Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 6 - Carrie Fisher/The Blues Brothers - full transcript

The host for the episode is Carrie Fisher, and the musical guest is The Blues Brothers (their third appearance). The skits for this episode are as follows: During her opening monologue, Carrie Fisher is instructed by Obi-Wan to tell a joke about aliens that completely bombs. Princess Leia arrives on Earth and joins a beach party with Frankie and Annette. Two boys show up for their dates with the Loud family sisters, only to be taken aback at how loud everyone speaks. Two orderlies take it upon themselves to release a dying patient from her misery, but get the wrong bed by mistake. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtin reports on an archaeological find in Egypt, McDonald's hamburgers and Sambo's restaurants, Bill Murray reports on Neil Armstrong, Vietnamese refugees, and the death of Jimmy Hoffa. Father Guido Sarducci answers allegations that the Vatican Bank is becoming a tax haven, and Roseanne Roseannadanna rants about smoking and naked people in health clubs. Mr. Bill goes fishing with Mr. Hands but ends up getting speared with hooks and eaten by a dolphin. At a waterfront dive in Marseilles, while the other bar girls try to get the sailors to buy expensive drinks, one gets them to sign up for insurance policies. The Blues Brothers perform "Soul Man", "Got Everything I Need, Almost", and "B Movie Boxcar Blues."

[UPBEAT BLUES MUSIC PLAYS]

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
IT IS SHOWTIME HERE AT THE

GENTLEMEN.
IT IS SHOWTIME HERE AT THE
FABULOUS BLACK RHINO CLUB, HOME

IT IS SHOWTIME HERE AT THE
FABULOUS BLACK RHINO CLUB, HOME
OF QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT,

FABULOUS BLACK RHINO CLUB, HOME
OF QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT,
HOME OF THE RHYTHM AND BLUES

OF QUALITY ENTERTAINMENT,
HOME OF THE RHYTHM AND BLUES
TALENT OF THE DAY!

HOME OF THE RHYTHM AND BLUES
TALENT OF THE DAY!
YES, I AM YOUR MONTY, YOUR

TALENT OF THE DAY!
YES, I AM YOUR MONTY, YOUR
EMCEE, AND WE HOPE THAT YOU HAVE

YES, I AM YOUR MONTY, YOUR
EMCEE, AND WE HOPE THAT YOU HAVE
ENJOYED, OR WILL ENJOY, THE FINE

EMCEE, AND WE HOPE THAT YOU HAVE
ENJOYED, OR WILL ENJOY, THE FINE
PEOPLE WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOUR

ENJOYED, OR WILL ENJOY, THE FINE
PEOPLE WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOUR
LISTENING AND DANCING PLEASURE.



PEOPLE WE HAVE ARRANGED FOR YOUR
LISTENING AND DANCING PLEASURE.
NOW, THE CLUB, BLACK RHINO, IS

LISTENING AND DANCING PLEASURE.
NOW, THE CLUB, BLACK RHINO, IS
PROUD TO PRESENT, DIRECT FROM

NOW, THE CLUB, BLACK RHINO, IS
PROUD TO PRESENT, DIRECT FROM
THE STATEWIDE AUTOMOBILE TOUR

PROUD TO PRESENT, DIRECT FROM
THE STATEWIDE AUTOMOBILE TOUR
OF ILLINOIS AND INDIANA,

THE STATEWIDE AUTOMOBILE TOUR
OF ILLINOIS AND INDIANA,
ORIGINALLY FROM CALUMET CITY,

OF ILLINOIS AND INDIANA,
ORIGINALLY FROM CALUMET CITY,
ILLINOIS.

ORIGINALLY FROM CALUMET CITY,
ILLINOIS.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...

ILLINOIS.
PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...
I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER

PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER...
I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR THE BLUES BAND OF

I SAID PUT YOUR HANDS TOGETHER
FOR THE BLUES BAND OF
"JOLIET" JAKE AND ELWOOD BLUES.

FOR THE BLUES BAND OF
"JOLIET" JAKE AND ELWOOD BLUES.
PUT THEM TOGETHER, YEAH!

"JOLIET" JAKE AND ELWOOD BLUES.
PUT THEM TOGETHER, YEAH!
THE BLUES BROTHERS! YEAH!

PUT THEM TOGETHER, YEAH!
THE BLUES BROTHERS! YEAH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC STOPS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["SOUL MAN" PLAYS]



♪ COMIN' TO YA ♪
♪ ON A DUSTY ROAD ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ ON A DUSTY ROAD ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ I GOT A TRUCKLOAD ♪

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ I GOT A TRUCKLOAD ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT ♪

♪ I GOT A TRUCKLOAD ♪
♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT ♪
♪ YOU GOT SOMETHING ♪

♪ AND WHEN YOU GET IT ♪
♪ YOU GOT SOMETHING ♪
♪ SO DON'T WORRY ♪

♪ YOU GOT SOMETHING ♪
♪ SO DON'T WORRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪

♪ SO DON'T WORRY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M COMING ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ GOT WHAT I GOT ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ GOT WHAT I GOT ♪
♪ THE HARD WAY ♪

♪ GOT WHAT I GOT ♪
♪ THE HARD WAY ♪
♪ AND I'LL MAKE IT BETTER ♪

♪ THE HARD WAY ♪
♪ AND I'LL MAKE IT BETTER ♪
♪ EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪

♪ AND I'LL MAKE IT BETTER ♪
♪ EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪
♪ SO, HONEY ♪

♪ EACH AND EVERY DAY ♪
♪ SO, HONEY ♪
♪ DON'T YOU FRET ♪

♪ SO, HONEY ♪
♪ DON'T YOU FRET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN ♪

♪ DON'T YOU FRET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN ♪
♪ NOTHING YET ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T SEEN ♪
♪ NOTHING YET ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ NOTHING YET ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
PLAY IT, STEVE!

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
PLAY IT, STEVE!
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

PLAY IT, STEVE!
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
LISTEN.

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
LISTEN.
♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP ♪

LISTEN.
♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP ♪
♪ ON A SIDE STREET ♪

♪ I WAS BROUGHT UP ♪
♪ ON A SIDE STREET ♪
♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE ♪

♪ ON A SIDE STREET ♪
♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪

♪ I LEARNED HOW TO LOVE ♪
♪ BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪
♪ I WAS EDUCATED ♪

♪ BEFORE I COULD EAT ♪
♪ I WAS EDUCATED ♪
♪ FROM GOOD STOCK ♪

♪ I WAS EDUCATED ♪
♪ FROM GOOD STOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I START LOVIN' ♪

♪ FROM GOOD STOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I START LOVIN' ♪
♪ I JUST CAN'T STOP ♪

♪ WHEN I START LOVIN' ♪
♪ I JUST CAN'T STOP ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I JUST CAN'T STOP ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ WELL, GRAB THE ROPE ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ WELL, GRAB THE ROPE ♪
♪ AND I'LL PULL YOU IN ♪

♪ WELL, GRAB THE ROPE ♪
♪ AND I'LL PULL YOU IN ♪
♪ GIVE YOU HOPE ♪

♪ AND I'LL PULL YOU IN ♪
♪ GIVE YOU HOPE ♪
♪ AND BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪

♪ GIVE YOU HOPE ♪
♪ AND BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ AND BE YOUR ONLY BOYFRIEND ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

[HARMONICA SOLO]

♪ SOUL MAN ♪
♪ YOU'RE A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ YOU'RE A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I'M A SOUL MAN ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"!
WITH CARRIE FISHER.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST
THE BLUES BROTHERS.
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

THE BLUES BROTHERS.
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CARRIE FISHER!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CARRIE FISHER!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YOU KNOW, I... I FELT A
LITTLE AWKWARD COMING OUT IN MY
PRINCESS LEIA COSTUME, 'CAUSE IT

LITTLE AWKWARD COMING OUT IN MY
PRINCESS LEIA COSTUME, 'CAUSE IT
MIGHT SEEM LIKE I'M EXPLOITING

PRINCESS LEIA COSTUME, 'CAUSE IT
MIGHT SEEM LIKE I'M EXPLOITING
"STAR WARS."

MIGHT SEEM LIKE I'M EXPLOITING
"STAR WARS."
BUT, YOU KNOW, I WENT ALONG WITH

"STAR WARS."
BUT, YOU KNOW, I WENT ALONG WITH
IT BECAUSE IF I CAME OUT AS

BUT, YOU KNOW, I WENT ALONG WITH
IT BECAUSE IF I CAME OUT AS
MYSELF, WHO WOULD RECOGNIZE ME?

IT BECAUSE IF I CAME OUT AS
MYSELF, WHO WOULD RECOGNIZE ME?
SO, UH, YEAH, I REALLY DIDN'T

MYSELF, WHO WOULD RECOGNIZE ME?
SO, UH, YEAH, I REALLY DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO.

SO, UH, YEAH, I REALLY DIDN'T
KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I FELT REAL WEIRD.

KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I FELT REAL WEIRD.
SO, WELL, I WENT TO THE ONE

I FELT REAL WEIRD.
SO, WELL, I WENT TO THE ONE
PERSON WHO I KNOW I CAN TRUST,

SO, WELL, I WENT TO THE ONE
PERSON WHO I KNOW I CAN TRUST,
SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE

PERSON WHO I KNOW I CAN TRUST,
SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE
FOR ME IN THE PAST.

SOMEONE WHO'S ALWAYS BEEN THERE
FOR ME IN THE PAST.
WELL, YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO HE

FOR ME IN THE PAST.
WELL, YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO HE
IS, HEARD OF HIM.

WELL, YOU PROBABLY KNOW WHO HE
IS, HEARD OF HIM.
IT'S MY GOOD FRIEND

IS, HEARD OF HIM.
IT'S MY GOOD FRIEND
OBI-WAN KENOBI.

IT'S MY GOOD FRIEND
OBI-WAN KENOBI.
AND OBI-WAN SAID, "LOOK, THE

OBI-WAN KENOBI.
AND OBI-WAN SAID, "LOOK, THE
COSTUME IS FINE.

AND OBI-WAN SAID, "LOOK, THE
COSTUME IS FINE.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO 'SATURDAY

COSTUME IS FINE.
BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO 'SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE, ' YOU WANT TO OPEN

BUT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO 'SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE, ' YOU WANT TO OPEN
WITH A REALLY GREAT JOKE."

NIGHT LIVE, ' YOU WANT TO OPEN
WITH A REALLY GREAT JOKE."
SO HE GAVE ME ONE THAT'S

WITH A REALLY GREAT JOKE."
SO HE GAVE ME ONE THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE SUREFIRE, AND,

SO HE GAVE ME ONE THAT'S
SUPPOSED TO BE SUREFIRE, AND,
WELL, I DON'T USUALLY DO JOKES,

SUPPOSED TO BE SUREFIRE, AND,
WELL, I DON'T USUALLY DO JOKES,
BUT HERE GOES.

WELL, I DON'T USUALLY DO JOKES,
BUT HERE GOES.
UH...

BUT HERE GOES.
UH...
THERE'S THIS BANTHA WHO'S PLACED

UH...
THERE'S THIS BANTHA WHO'S PLACED
INFORMATION VITAL TO THE

THERE'S THIS BANTHA WHO'S PLACED
INFORMATION VITAL TO THE
SURVIVAL OF THE REBELLION IN THE

INFORMATION VITAL TO THE
SURVIVAL OF THE REBELLION IN THE
MEMORY SYSTEMS OF THIS R2 UNIT.

SURVIVAL OF THE REBELLION IN THE
MEMORY SYSTEMS OF THIS R2 UNIT.
WELL, THE BANTHA KNOWS IT'LL

MEMORY SYSTEMS OF THIS R2 UNIT.
WELL, THE BANTHA KNOWS IT'LL
TAKE A LITTLE WHILE FOR THE

WELL, THE BANTHA KNOWS IT'LL
TAKE A LITTLE WHILE FOR THE
NAVICOMPUTER TO CALCULATE THE

TAKE A LITTLE WHILE FOR THE
NAVICOMPUTER TO CALCULATE THE
COORDINATES, SO THEN THE BANTHA

NAVICOMPUTER TO CALCULATE THE
COORDINATES, SO THEN THE BANTHA
GOES OVER TO JABBA THE HUTT'S

COORDINATES, SO THEN THE BANTHA
GOES OVER TO JABBA THE HUTT'S
BAR, AND HE GETS AN IDEA.

GOES OVER TO JABBA THE HUTT'S
BAR, AND HE GETS AN IDEA.
HE SAYS TO JABBA, "MY DEFLECTOR

BAR, AND HE GETS AN IDEA.
HE SAYS TO JABBA, "MY DEFLECTOR
SHIELDS ARE MALFUNCTIONING.

HE SAYS TO JABBA, "MY DEFLECTOR
SHIELDS ARE MALFUNCTIONING.
CAN YOU PUT ME UP FOR THE

SHIELDS ARE MALFUNCTIONING.
CAN YOU PUT ME UP FOR THE
NIGHT?"

CAN YOU PUT ME UP FOR THE
NIGHT?"
THEN JABBA SAYS, "WELL, THERE'S

NIGHT?"
THEN JABBA SAYS, "WELL, THERE'S
A JEDI KNIGHT CONVENTION IN

THEN JABBA SAYS, "WELL, THERE'S
A JEDI KNIGHT CONVENTION IN
TOWN, BUT I GUESS YOU COULD STAY

A JEDI KNIGHT CONVENTION IN
TOWN, BUT I GUESS YOU COULD STAY
IN MY NEBULON STABILIZER WITH MY

TOWN, BUT I GUESS YOU COULD STAY
IN MY NEBULON STABILIZER WITH MY
DAUGHTER."

IN MY NEBULON STABILIZER WITH MY
DAUGHTER."
[LAUGHTER]

DAUGHTER."
[LAUGHTER]
I-I DON'T KNOW.

[LAUGHTER]
I-I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE

I-I DON'T KNOW.
YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE
A LITTLE TOO INSIDE, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, I THINK THIS MIGHT BE
A LITTLE TOO INSIDE, YOU KNOW?
[Distant voice] NO, CARRIE.

A LITTLE TOO INSIDE, YOU KNOW?
[Distant voice] NO, CARRIE.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.

[Distant voice] NO, CARRIE.
TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, OBI, I DON'T

TRUST YOUR INSTINCTS.
WELL, YOU KNOW, OBI, I DON'T
KNOW.

WELL, YOU KNOW, OBI, I DON'T
KNOW.
WE LIKE THE JOKE, BUT SOME OF

KNOW.
WE LIKE THE JOKE, BUT SOME OF
THE REFERENCES ARE A LITTLE

WE LIKE THE JOKE, BUT SOME OF
THE REFERENCES ARE A LITTLE
OBSCURE FOR THIS GALAXY.

THE REFERENCES ARE A LITTLE
OBSCURE FOR THIS GALAXY.
I MEAN, THIS IS A NEW YORK

OBSCURE FOR THIS GALAXY.
I MEAN, THIS IS A NEW YORK
AUDIENCE.

I MEAN, THIS IS A NEW YORK
AUDIENCE.
THEY'RE REALLY SOPHISTICATED AND

AUDIENCE.
THEY'RE REALLY SOPHISTICATED AND
EVERYTHING BUT...

THEY'RE REALLY SOPHISTICATED AND
EVERYTHING BUT...
TRUST YOUR FEELINGS, CARRIE.

EVERYTHING BUT...
TRUST YOUR FEELINGS, CARRIE.
LET YOURSELF GO.

TRUST YOUR FEELINGS, CARRIE.
LET YOURSELF GO.
IT'S A FUNNY JOKE.

LET YOURSELF GO.
IT'S A FUNNY JOKE.
OKAY.

IT'S A FUNNY JOKE.
OKAY.
YOU'RE THE FORCE.

OKAY.
YOU'RE THE FORCE.
SO, UH...

YOU'RE THE FORCE.
SO, UH...
SO, THE BANTHA AGREES, BUT JABBA

SO, UH...
SO, THE BANTHA AGREES, BUT JABBA
SAYS, "I'VE GOT TO MEET WITH

SO, THE BANTHA AGREES, BUT JABBA
SAYS, "I'VE GOT TO MEET WITH
SOME SAND PEOPLE LATER.

SAYS, "I'VE GOT TO MEET WITH
SOME SAND PEOPLE LATER.
CAN I TRUST YOU WITH MY DAUGHTER

SOME SAND PEOPLE LATER.
CAN I TRUST YOU WITH MY DAUGHTER
ALONE?"

CAN I TRUST YOU WITH MY DAUGHTER
ALONE?"
[SNICKERS]

ALONE?"
[SNICKERS]
[LAUGHTER]

[SNICKERS]
[LAUGHTER]
OH, LOOK.

[LAUGHTER]
OH, LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW.

OH, LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS IS THE

I DON'T KNOW.
IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS IS THE
KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU WOULD

IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS IS THE
KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU WOULD
PROBABLY HAVE TO HAVE DONE A LOT

KIND OF JOKE THAT YOU WOULD
PROBABLY HAVE TO HAVE DONE A LOT
OF SPACE TRAVEL TO...

PROBABLY HAVE TO HAVE DONE A LOT
OF SPACE TRAVEL TO...
JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT

OF SPACE TRAVEL TO...
JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT
THOSE...

JUST GET TO THE PART ABOUT
THOSE...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

THOSE...
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
[SIGHS]

OKAY.
[SIGHS]
OKAY, SO THE BANTHA SAYS, "SURE,

[SIGHS]
OKAY, SO THE BANTHA SAYS, "SURE,
YOU CAN TRUST ME."

OKAY, SO THE BANTHA SAYS, "SURE,
YOU CAN TRUST ME."
AND JABBA LEAVES.

YOU CAN TRUST ME."
AND JABBA LEAVES.
OF COURSE, RIGHT AWAY, THE

AND JABBA LEAVES.
OF COURSE, RIGHT AWAY, THE
DAUGHTER INVITES HIM INTO A

OF COURSE, RIGHT AWAY, THE
DAUGHTER INVITES HIM INTO A
MILLENNIUM FALCON FOR SOME

DAUGHTER INVITES HIM INTO A
MILLENNIUM FALCON FOR SOME
GWARNGE COLA AND SOME WOOKIEES.

MILLENNIUM FALCON FOR SOME
GWARNGE COLA AND SOME WOOKIEES.
[LAUGHS]

GWARNGE COLA AND SOME WOOKIEES.
[LAUGHS]
GWARNGE COLA AND WOOKIEES.

[LAUGHS]
GWARNGE COLA AND WOOKIEES.
I LOVE THIS PART.

GWARNGE COLA AND WOOKIEES.
I LOVE THIS PART.
YEAH.

I LOVE THIS PART.
YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]

YEAH.
[LAUGHTER]
UH, HE GOES ALONG WITH IT.

[LAUGHTER]
UH, HE GOES ALONG WITH IT.
BUT JUST THEN, JABBA COMES BACK,

UH, HE GOES ALONG WITH IT.
BUT JUST THEN, JABBA COMES BACK,
HE SEES THE MESS AND SAYS, "YOU

BUT JUST THEN, JABBA COMES BACK,
HE SEES THE MESS AND SAYS, "YOU
CALL THIS A HOLOGRAM?"

HE SEES THE MESS AND SAYS, "YOU
CALL THIS A HOLOGRAM?"
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]

CALL THIS A HOLOGRAM?"
[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
I'VE HEARD THAT JOKE A THOUSAND

[LAUGHS HYSTERICALLY]
I'VE HEARD THAT JOKE A THOUSAND
TIMES.

I'VE HEARD THAT JOKE A THOUSAND
TIMES.
IT'S STILL THE BEST ONE IN THE

TIMES.
IT'S STILL THE BEST ONE IN THE
UNIVERSE.

IT'S STILL THE BEST ONE IN THE
UNIVERSE.
[LAUGHING]

UNIVERSE.
[LAUGHING]
GREAT, OBI.

[LAUGHING]
GREAT, OBI.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU NEVER GET TIRED

GREAT, OBI.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU NEVER GET TIRED
OF IT, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE A

LOOK, I KNOW YOU NEVER GET TIRED
OF IT, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE A
LITTLE FED UP WITH "STAR WARS."

OF IT, BUT SOME PEOPLE ARE A
LITTLE FED UP WITH "STAR WARS."
OF COURSE, I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

LITTLE FED UP WITH "STAR WARS."
OF COURSE, I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
I'M NOT COMPLAINING.

OF COURSE, I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
I'M GLAD I MADE A SPACE MOVIE

I'M NOT COMPLAINING.
I'M GLAD I MADE A SPACE MOVIE
TWO YEARS AGO...

I'M GLAD I MADE A SPACE MOVIE
TWO YEARS AGO...
'CAUSE IF I'D DONE ONE IN THE

TWO YEARS AGO...
'CAUSE IF I'D DONE ONE IN THE
'50s, IT MIGHT NOT HAVE TURNED

'CAUSE IF I'D DONE ONE IN THE
'50s, IT MIGHT NOT HAVE TURNED
OUT SO WELL, YOU KNOW?

[SURF MUSIC PLAYS]

SURF'S UP!
YAY!
GEE, THE BEACH IS FUN THIS

YAY!
GEE, THE BEACH IS FUN THIS
YEAR!

GEE, THE BEACH IS FUN THIS
YEAR!
REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD

YEAR!
REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD
LAST YEAR?

REMEMBER HOW MUCH FUN WE HAD
LAST YEAR?
BUT THIS YEAR IS THE MOST

LAST YEAR?
BUT THIS YEAR IS THE MOST
FUN.

BUT THIS YEAR IS THE MOST
FUN.
OH, GEE, I LOVE BEING TANNED

FUN.
OH, GEE, I LOVE BEING TANNED
AND POPULAR.

OH, GEE, I LOVE BEING TANNED
AND POPULAR.
BOY, WE REALLY HAVE A LOT OF

AND POPULAR.
BOY, WE REALLY HAVE A LOT OF
FUN, CONSIDERING IT'S THE '50s

BOY, WE REALLY HAVE A LOT OF
FUN, CONSIDERING IT'S THE '50s
AND WE'VE PASSED PUBERTY AND WE

FUN, CONSIDERING IT'S THE '50s
AND WE'VE PASSED PUBERTY AND WE
DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX YET!

AND WE'VE PASSED PUBERTY AND WE
DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX YET!
AND WE DON'T DRINK, WE DON'T

DON'T EVEN HAVE SEX YET!
AND WE DON'T DRINK, WE DON'T
SMOKE DOPE, AND IT WILL BE SEVEN

AND WE DON'T DRINK, WE DON'T
SMOKE DOPE, AND IT WILL BE SEVEN
YEARS BEFORE WE HEAR ABOUT ACID.

SMOKE DOPE, AND IT WILL BE SEVEN
YEARS BEFORE WE HEAR ABOUT ACID.
I JUST WISH WE WEREN'T

YEARS BEFORE WE HEAR ABOUT ACID.
I JUST WISH WE WEREN'T
SENDING SO MANY CIVILIAN

I JUST WISH WE WEREN'T
SENDING SO MANY CIVILIAN
ADVISORS INTO VIETNAM, BUT...

SENDING SO MANY CIVILIAN
ADVISORS INTO VIETNAM, BUT...
STOP THINKING, MOONDOGGIE.

ADVISORS INTO VIETNAM, BUT...
STOP THINKING, MOONDOGGIE.
WE'RE JUST HERE TO HAVE MINDLESS

STOP THINKING, MOONDOGGIE.
WE'RE JUST HERE TO HAVE MINDLESS
FUN.

WE'RE JUST HERE TO HAVE MINDLESS
FUN.
HI, ANNETTE. HI, FRANKIE.

FUN.
HI, ANNETTE. HI, FRANKIE.
HI.

HI, ANNETTE. HI, FRANKIE.
HI.
ANNETTE, DO YOU LOVE ME?

HI.
ANNETTE, DO YOU LOVE ME?
YOU KNOW I DO, FRANKIE.

ANNETTE, DO YOU LOVE ME?
YOU KNOW I DO, FRANKIE.
WELL, PROVE IT, AND LET ME GO

YOU KNOW I DO, FRANKIE.
WELL, PROVE IT, AND LET ME GO
ALL THE WAY TONIGHT, HUH?

WELL, PROVE IT, AND LET ME GO
ALL THE WAY TONIGHT, HUH?
NO.

ALL THE WAY TONIGHT, HUH?
NO.
WELL, COME ON.

NO.
WELL, COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THIRD BASE?

WELL, COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THIRD BASE?
NO.

HOW ABOUT THIRD BASE?
NO.
OH, COME ON.

NO.
OH, COME ON.
SECOND BASE.

OH, COME ON.
SECOND BASE.
NO.

SECOND BASE.
NO.
WELL, LET ME...

NO.
WELL, LET ME...
LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SIDES.

WELL, LET ME...
LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SIDES.
NO, FRANKIE!

LET ME JUST TOUCH THE SIDES.
NO, FRANKIE!
YOU KNOW IF I LET YOU, YOU WON'T

NO, FRANKIE!
YOU KNOW IF I LET YOU, YOU WON'T
RESPECT ME.

YOU KNOW IF I LET YOU, YOU WON'T
RESPECT ME.
ANNETTE, PLEASE!

RESPECT ME.
ANNETTE, PLEASE!
OH, DON'T HANDLE THE

ANNETTE, PLEASE!
OH, DON'T HANDLE THE
MERCHANDISE!

OH, DON'T HANDLE THE
MERCHANDISE!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

MERCHANDISE!
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
WOW!

[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
WOW!
WHAT'S THAT?

WOW!
WHAT'S THAT?
IS THAT A FLYING SAUCER?

WHAT'S THAT?
IS THAT A FLYING SAUCER?
I DON'T KNOW.

IS THAT A FLYING SAUCER?
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I... I SURE HOPE SHE STAYS

I DON'T KNOW.
BUT I... I SURE HOPE SHE STAYS
ALL SUMMER.

BUT I... I SURE HOPE SHE STAYS
ALL SUMMER.
UH-OH. COMPETITION!

ALL SUMMER.
UH-OH. COMPETITION!
HI, EVERYBODY.

UH-OH. COMPETITION!
HI, EVERYBODY.
I'M FROM ANOTHER GALAXY IN

HI, EVERYBODY.
I'M FROM ANOTHER GALAXY IN
ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER MOVIE!

I'M FROM ANOTHER GALAXY IN
ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER MOVIE!
[WOLF-WHISTLES]

ANOTHER TIME IN ANOTHER MOVIE!
[WOLF-WHISTLES]
I'M AN EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM

[WOLF-WHISTLES]
I'M AN EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM
OUTER SPACE, AND I JUST DROPPED

I'M AN EXCHANGE STUDENT FROM
OUTER SPACE, AND I JUST DROPPED
ONTO THIS SWELL BEACH.

OUTER SPACE, AND I JUST DROPPED
ONTO THIS SWELL BEACH.
GEE, I... I SURE HOPE YOU GUYS

ONTO THIS SWELL BEACH.
GEE, I... I SURE HOPE YOU GUYS
SPEAK ENGLISH.

GEE, I... I SURE HOPE YOU GUYS
SPEAK ENGLISH.
WELL, WE DO.

SPEAK ENGLISH.
WELL, WE DO.
I'M SANDY, AND THIS IS BUZZ AND

WELL, WE DO.
I'M SANDY, AND THIS IS BUZZ AND
SKEETER AND MOONDOGGIE.

I'M SANDY, AND THIS IS BUZZ AND
SKEETER AND MOONDOGGIE.
WE'RE THE POPULAR CROWD.

SKEETER AND MOONDOGGIE.
WE'RE THE POPULAR CROWD.
A CLIQUE OF MIDDLE-CLASS

WE'RE THE POPULAR CROWD.
A CLIQUE OF MIDDLE-CLASS
WASPS AND ITALIAN TEENAGERS

A CLIQUE OF MIDDLE-CLASS
WASPS AND ITALIAN TEENAGERS
LIVING OFF OUR PARENTS UNTIL

WASPS AND ITALIAN TEENAGERS
LIVING OFF OUR PARENTS UNTIL
IT'S HIP TO REJECT THEM.

LIVING OFF OUR PARENTS UNTIL
IT'S HIP TO REJECT THEM.
HI!

IT'S HIP TO REJECT THEM.
HI!
HI.

HI!
HI.
I'M ANNETTE, AND THIS IS MY

HI.
I'M ANNETTE, AND THIS IS MY
BOYFRIEND, FRANKIE, AND THESE

I'M ANNETTE, AND THIS IS MY
BOYFRIEND, FRANKIE, AND THESE
ARE MY BREASTS.

BOYFRIEND, FRANKIE, AND THESE
ARE MY BREASTS.
HI!

ARE MY BREASTS.
HI!
HI!

HI!
HI!
HI.

HI!
HI.
WELCOME TO PARTY BEACH.

HI.
WELCOME TO PARTY BEACH.
SAY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

WELCOME TO PARTY BEACH.
SAY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I'M PRINCESS LEIA.

SAY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?
I'M PRINCESS LEIA.
WOW.

I'M PRINCESS LEIA.
WOW.
A REAL PRINCESS FROM OUTER

WOW.
A REAL PRINCESS FROM OUTER
SPACE.

A REAL PRINCESS FROM OUTER
SPACE.
PRINCESS LAY-A!

SPACE.
PRINCESS LAY-A!
[LAUGHTER]

PRINCESS LAY-A!
[LAUGHTER]
YOU SEE, THIS IS THE '50s,

[LAUGHTER]
YOU SEE, THIS IS THE '50s,
AND NICE GIRLS DON'T GO ALL THE

YOU SEE, THIS IS THE '50s,
AND NICE GIRLS DON'T GO ALL THE
WAY.

AND NICE GIRLS DON'T GO ALL THE
WAY.
SO WE'RE SO HORNY, WE'LL

WAY.
SO WE'RE SO HORNY, WE'LL
LAUGH AT ANYTHING THAT EVEN

SO WE'RE SO HORNY, WE'LL
LAUGH AT ANYTHING THAT EVEN
SOUNDS DIRTY.

LAUGH AT ANYTHING THAT EVEN
SOUNDS DIRTY.
NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT IS.

SOUNDS DIRTY.
NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT IS.
SURF'S UP.

NO MATTER HOW STUPID IT IS.
SURF'S UP.
YAY!

SURF'S UP.
YAY!
SAY, PRINCESS LEIA, DID YOU

YAY!
SAY, PRINCESS LEIA, DID YOU
BRING A BATHING SUIT?

SAY, PRINCESS LEIA, DID YOU
BRING A BATHING SUIT?
SURE.

BRING A BATHING SUIT?
SURE.
WILL THIS DO?

SURE.
WILL THIS DO?
WOW!

WILL THIS DO?
WOW!
TALK ABOUT HEAVENLY BODIES.

WOW!
TALK ABOUT HEAVENLY BODIES.
WOW!

TALK ABOUT HEAVENLY BODIES.
WOW!
SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT.

WOW!
SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT.
YOU TWO CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT

SHE'S OUT OF SIGHT.
YOU TWO CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT
IN COMMON.

YOU TWO CERTAINLY HAVE A LOT
IN COMMON.
SPACE... SHE COMES FROM IT, AND

IN COMMON.
SPACE... SHE COMES FROM IT, AND
YOU'VE GOT A LOT BETWEEN YOUR

SPACE... SHE COMES FROM IT, AND
YOU'VE GOT A LOT BETWEEN YOUR
EARS.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT BETWEEN YOUR
EARS.
COME ON, GIRLS!

EARS.
COME ON, GIRLS!
YOU KNOW, ANNETTE'S RIGHT.

COME ON, GIRLS!
YOU KNOW, ANNETTE'S RIGHT.
I AM INTERESTED IN OUTER-SPACE

YOU KNOW, ANNETTE'S RIGHT.
I AM INTERESTED IN OUTER-SPACE
TRAVEL.

I AM INTERESTED IN OUTER-SPACE
TRAVEL.
SAY, TELL ME, PRINCESS, SAY ON

TRAVEL.
SAY, TELL ME, PRINCESS, SAY ON
YOUR PLANET, A GUY'S GONE OUT

SAY, TELL ME, PRINCESS, SAY ON
YOUR PLANET, A GUY'S GONE OUT
WITH A GIRL SINCE THE BEGINNING

YOUR PLANET, A GUY'S GONE OUT
WITH A GIRL SINCE THE BEGINNING
OF HIGH SCHOOL.

WITH A GIRL SINCE THE BEGINNING
OF HIGH SCHOOL.
HOW LONG SHOULD HE HAVE TO WAIT

OF HIGH SCHOOL.
HOW LONG SHOULD HE HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL HE GETS UNDER HER BRA?

HOW LONG SHOULD HE HAVE TO WAIT
UNTIL HE GETS UNDER HER BRA?
AH, USUALLY UNTIL HE CAN GET

UNTIL HE GETS UNDER HER BRA?
AH, USUALLY UNTIL HE CAN GET
HER ALONE IN HIS CAR.

AH, USUALLY UNTIL HE CAN GET
HER ALONE IN HIS CAR.
WELL, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE

HER ALONE IN HIS CAR.
WELL, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE
A CAR?

WELL, WHAT IF HE DOESN'T HAVE
A CAR?
THEN HE SHOULD BORROW HIS

A CAR?
THEN HE SHOULD BORROW HIS
DAD'S.

THEN HE SHOULD BORROW HIS
DAD'S.
WELL, HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO

DAD'S.
WELL, HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO
BE ON YOUR PLANET TO GET A

WELL, HOW OLD DO YOU HAVE TO
BE ON YOUR PLANET TO GET A
DRIVER'S LICENSE?

BE ON YOUR PLANET TO GET A
DRIVER'S LICENSE?
16.

DRIVER'S LICENSE?
16.
AW, NUTS.

16.
AW, NUTS.
THEN I'D HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER

AW, NUTS.
THEN I'D HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER
THREE MONTHS.

THEN I'D HAVE TO WAIT ANOTHER
THREE MONTHS.
HAVING FUN, KIDS?

THREE MONTHS.
HAVING FUN, KIDS?
SAY, AREN'T YOU

HAVING FUN, KIDS?
SAY, AREN'T YOU
VINCENT PRICE?

SAY, AREN'T YOU
VINCENT PRICE?
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, SON?

VINCENT PRICE?
WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, SON?
THIS IS PRINCESS LEIA.

WHO'S YOUR FRIEND, SON?
THIS IS PRINCESS LEIA.
HELLO, YOUR HIGHNESS.

THIS IS PRINCESS LEIA.
HELLO, YOUR HIGHNESS.
MR. PRICE, WHERE ARE YOU

HELLO, YOUR HIGHNESS.
MR. PRICE, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH ALL THOSE LITTLE

MR. PRICE, WHERE ARE YOU
GOING WITH ALL THOSE LITTLE
CUBES OF RAW MEAT?

GOING WITH ALL THOSE LITTLE
CUBES OF RAW MEAT?
THIS IS MARINATED LAMB, AND

CUBES OF RAW MEAT?
THIS IS MARINATED LAMB, AND
I'M TAKING IT UP THE BEACH FOR A

THIS IS MARINATED LAMB, AND
I'M TAKING IT UP THE BEACH FOR A
BARBECUE AT THE HOME OF A CLOSE

I'M TAKING IT UP THE BEACH FOR A
BARBECUE AT THE HOME OF A CLOSE
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS A

BARBECUE AT THE HOME OF A CLOSE
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS A
RECORDING ARTIST.

PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE WHO IS A
RECORDING ARTIST.
I BET YOU'RE MAKING

RECORDING ARTIST.
I BET YOU'RE MAKING
SHISH KEBAB!

I BET YOU'RE MAKING
SHISH KEBAB!
YES.

SHISH KEBAB!
YES.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE

YES.
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE
GARLIC.

I HOPE YOU DIDN'T FORGET THE
GARLIC.
LEAVE THE GARLIC OUT OF

GARLIC.
LEAVE THE GARLIC OUT OF
SHISH KEBAB?

LEAVE THE GARLIC OUT OF
SHISH KEBAB?
HONEY, I'D SOONER SLASH MY

SHISH KEBAB?
HONEY, I'D SOONER SLASH MY
WRISTS.

HONEY, I'D SOONER SLASH MY
WRISTS.
SOMEDAY, I'D REALLY LIKE TO

WRISTS.
SOMEDAY, I'D REALLY LIKE TO
TEACH YOU HOW TO COOK.

SOMEDAY, I'D REALLY LIKE TO
TEACH YOU HOW TO COOK.
GEE, THANKS, MR. PRICE.

TEACH YOU HOW TO COOK.
GEE, THANKS, MR. PRICE.
HAVE FUN, KIDS.

GEE, THANKS, MR. PRICE.
HAVE FUN, KIDS.
HE SURE IS FRIENDLY FOR AN

HAVE FUN, KIDS.
HE SURE IS FRIENDLY FOR AN
OLDER GUY, YOU KNOW?

HE SURE IS FRIENDLY FOR AN
OLDER GUY, YOU KNOW?
[SIGHS]

OLDER GUY, YOU KNOW?
[SIGHS]
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE FRIENDLY

[SIGHS]
EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE FRIENDLY
HERE.

EVERYBODY SEEMS TO BE FRIENDLY
HERE.
WELL, YOU FIT IN RIGHT HERE

HERE.
WELL, YOU FIT IN RIGHT HERE
ON EARTH.

WELL, YOU FIT IN RIGHT HERE
ON EARTH.
SAY, I BET YOU KNOW HOW TO

ON EARTH.
SAY, I BET YOU KNOW HOW TO
KISS GREAT.

SAY, I BET YOU KNOW HOW TO
KISS GREAT.
KISS?

KISS GREAT.
KISS?
WHAT'S KISS?

KISS?
WHAT'S KISS?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT "KISS"

WHAT'S KISS?
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT "KISS"
MEANS?

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT "KISS"
MEANS?
NO.

MEANS?
NO.
WELL, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES

NO.
WELL, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

WELL, JUST CLOSE YOUR EYES
AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,

AND OPEN YOUR MOUTH.
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
GIVE HER ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION?

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO,
GIVE HER ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION?
[CLEARS THROAT]

GIVE HER ARTIFICIAL RESPIRATION?
[CLEARS THROAT]
UM, UM...

[CLEARS THROAT]
UM, UM...
SHE HAD SOME SPINACH CAUGHT IN

UM, UM...
SHE HAD SOME SPINACH CAUGHT IN
HER TEETH, AND I WAS JUST TRYING

SHE HAD SOME SPINACH CAUGHT IN
HER TEETH, AND I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP HER CLEAN IT OUT.

HER TEETH, AND I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP HER CLEAN IT OUT.
[GROANS]

TO HELP HER CLEAN IT OUT.
[GROANS]
GET YOUR MEAT HOOKS OFF OF HIM,

[GROANS]
GET YOUR MEAT HOOKS OFF OF HIM,
YOUR HIGHNESS.

GET YOUR MEAT HOOKS OFF OF HIM,
YOUR HIGHNESS.
HE'S MY GUY!

YOUR HIGHNESS.
HE'S MY GUY!
WAIT, ANNETTE!

HE'S MY GUY!
WAIT, ANNETTE!
YOU'VE GOT ME ALL WRONG.

WAIT, ANNETTE!
YOU'VE GOT ME ALL WRONG.
I'M NO CHEAP TRAMP FROM

YOU'VE GOT ME ALL WRONG.
I'M NO CHEAP TRAMP FROM
TOMORROW.

I'M NO CHEAP TRAMP FROM
TOMORROW.
I'M NO SPACE SLUT!

TOMORROW.
I'M NO SPACE SLUT!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

I'M NO SPACE SLUT!
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ I'M A TEENAGER FROM OUTER

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ I'M A TEENAGER FROM OUTER
SPACE ♪

♪ I'M A TEENAGER FROM OUTER
SPACE ♪
♪ TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE HUMAN

SPACE ♪
♪ TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE HUMAN
RACE ♪

♪ TRYING TO MAKE IT IN THE HUMAN
RACE ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I COME FROM ANOTHER

RACE ♪
♪ ALTHOUGH I COME FROM ANOTHER
WORLD ♪

♪ ALTHOUGH I COME FROM ANOTHER
WORLD ♪
♪ I'M REALLY A VERY NICE GIRL ♪

WORLD ♪
♪ I'M REALLY A VERY NICE GIRL ♪
♪ AND EVEN THOUGH I DROPPED FROM

♪ I'M REALLY A VERY NICE GIRL ♪
♪ AND EVEN THOUGH I DROPPED FROM
THE SKY ♪

♪ AND EVEN THOUGH I DROPPED FROM
THE SKY ♪
♪ I WOULD NEVER STEAL ANOTHER

THE SKY ♪
♪ I WOULD NEVER STEAL ANOTHER
GIRL'S GUY ♪

♪ I WOULD NEVER STEAL ANOTHER
GIRL'S GUY ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT ALL THE GIRLS TO

GIRL'S GUY ♪
♪ I DON'T WANT ALL THE GIRLS TO
HATE ME ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT ALL THE GIRLS TO
HATE ME ♪
♪ I JUST WANT THE GUYS TO DATE

HATE ME ♪
♪ I JUST WANT THE GUYS TO DATE
ME ♪

♪ I JUST WANT THE GUYS TO DATE
ME ♪
♪ I WANT TO WEAR A TWO-PIECE

ME ♪
♪ I WANT TO WEAR A TWO-PIECE
BATHING SUIT ♪

♪ I WANT TO WEAR A TWO-PIECE
BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S

BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S
REALLY CUTE ♪

♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S
REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE

REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE
SAND AND SURF ♪

♪ TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE
SAND AND SURF ♪
♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN

SAND AND SURF ♪
♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN
YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪

♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN
YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪
All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪
All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
GEE, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
GEE, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE
ROUGH ON YOU.

GEE, MAYBE I WAS A LITTLE
ROUGH ON YOU.
COULDN'T WE BE FRIENDS NOW?

ROUGH ON YOU.
COULDN'T WE BE FRIENDS NOW?
SURE.

COULDN'T WE BE FRIENDS NOW?
SURE.
AW.

SURE.
AW.
♪ THERE WILL COME A DAY, AND I

AW.
♪ THERE WILL COME A DAY, AND I
HOPE IT'S SOON ♪

♪ THERE WILL COME A DAY, AND I
HOPE IT'S SOON ♪
♪ WHEN WHETHER YOU COME FROM

HOPE IT'S SOON ♪
♪ WHEN WHETHER YOU COME FROM
THE STARS OR MOON ♪

♪ WHEN WHETHER YOU COME FROM
THE STARS OR MOON ♪
♪ IT WON'T MATTER IF YOU'RE

THE STARS OR MOON ♪
♪ IT WON'T MATTER IF YOU'RE
GREEN OR BLUE ♪

♪ IT WON'T MATTER IF YOU'RE
GREEN OR BLUE ♪
♪ YOU WILL FIND THE BOY

GREEN OR BLUE ♪
♪ YOU WILL FIND THE BOY
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU ♪

♪ YOU WILL FIND THE BOY
THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU ♪
All: ♪ I WANT TO WEAR A

THAT'S RIGHT FOR YOU ♪
All: ♪ I WANT TO WEAR A
TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪

All: ♪ I WANT TO WEAR A
TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S

TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S
REALLY CUTE ♪

♪ I WANT TO FIND A BOY THAT'S
REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ I WANT TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS

REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ I WANT TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
IN THE SAND AND SURF ♪

♪ I WANT TO WRITE LOVE LETTERS
IN THE SAND AND SURF ♪
♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN

IN THE SAND AND SURF ♪
♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN
YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪

♪ BUT IT'S HARD WHEN
YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH ♪

YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH ♪
All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON

♪ OH OH ♪
All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON
EARTH ♪

All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON
EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH OH ♪

EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH OH ♪
All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON

♪ OH OH OH ♪
All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON
EARTH ♪

All: ♪ YOU'RE THE NEW KID ON
EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH ♪

EARTH ♪
♪ OH OH ♪
♪ OH OH OH OH OH ♪

♪ OH OH ♪
♪ OH OH OH OH OH ♪
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER]

♪ OH OH OH OH OH ♪
[CHEERING, LAUGHTER]
HEY!

[CHEERING, LAUGHTER]
HEY!
ERIC VON ZIPPER!

HEY!
ERIC VON ZIPPER!
HEY!

ERIC VON ZIPPER!
HEY!
I HEARD THERE WAS A NEW BROAD ON

HEY!
I HEARD THERE WAS A NEW BROAD ON
THE BEACH.

I HEARD THERE WAS A NEW BROAD ON
THE BEACH.
I THINK THAT CRAZY CHICK, SHE'S

THE BEACH.
I THINK THAT CRAZY CHICK, SHE'S
GOT MORE CURVES THAN THE VENTURA

I THINK THAT CRAZY CHICK, SHE'S
GOT MORE CURVES THAN THE VENTURA
FREEWAY.

GOT MORE CURVES THAN THE VENTURA
FREEWAY.
[LAUGHS]

FREEWAY.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
HI, KIDS.

[LAUGHTER]
HI, KIDS.
REMEMBER THAT RECORDING-ARTIST

HI, KIDS.
REMEMBER THAT RECORDING-ARTIST
FRIEND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT?

REMEMBER THAT RECORDING-ARTIST
FRIEND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT?
WELL, HERE HE IS.

FRIEND I WAS TELLING YOU ABOUT?
WELL, HERE HE IS.
HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY, IT'S

WELL, HERE HE IS.
HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY, IT'S
CHUBBY CHECKER!

HEY, LOOK, EVERYBODY, IT'S
CHUBBY CHECKER!
All: CHUBBY CHECKER?!

CHUBBY CHECKER!
All: CHUBBY CHECKER?!
WOW!

All: CHUBBY CHECKER?!
WOW!
HI, GANG.

WOW!
HI, GANG.
DO YOU KIDS LIKE TO HAVE FUN?

HI, GANG.
DO YOU KIDS LIKE TO HAVE FUN?
All: YEAH!

DO YOU KIDS LIKE TO HAVE FUN?
All: YEAH!
GREAT, 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING

All: YEAH!
GREAT, 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING
I LIKE BETTER THAN ENTERTAINING

GREAT, 'CAUSE THERE'S NOTHING
I LIKE BETTER THAN ENTERTAINING
WHITE, MIDDLE-CLASS KIDS ON THE

I LIKE BETTER THAN ENTERTAINING
WHITE, MIDDLE-CLASS KIDS ON THE
BEACH.

WHITE, MIDDLE-CLASS KIDS ON THE
BEACH.
SO COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S

BEACH.
SO COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S
TWIST!

SO COME ON, EVERYBODY, LET'S
TWIST!
YAY!

TWIST!
YAY!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]

YAY!
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
CAN I HAVE THIS TWIST, YOUR

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
CAN I HAVE THIS TWIST, YOUR
HIGHNESS?

CAN I HAVE THIS TWIST, YOUR
HIGHNESS?
♪ COME ON AND TWIST IN A

HIGHNESS?
♪ COME ON AND TWIST IN A
TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪

♪ COME ON AND TWIST IN A
TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ WITH A TWISTING GIRL WHO'S

TWO-PIECE BATHING SUIT ♪
♪ WITH A TWISTING GIRL WHO'S
REALLY CUTE ♪

♪ WITH A TWISTING GIRL WHO'S
REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND

REALLY CUTE ♪
♪ WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND
AND SURF ♪

♪ WRITE LOVE LETTERS IN THE SAND
AND SURF ♪
♪ THANK YOU, CHUBBY, FOR THE

AND SURF ♪
♪ THANK YOU, CHUBBY, FOR THE
NEW TWIST ON EARTH ♪

♪ THANK YOU, CHUBBY, FOR THE
NEW TWIST ON EARTH ♪
SURF'S UP.

NEW TWIST ON EARTH ♪
SURF'S UP.
All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

SURF'S UP.
All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

All: ♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪
♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

♪ OBI-WAN KENOBI ♪

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYING]
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[Shouting] HELLO?!

[MUSIC STOPS]
[Shouting] HELLO?!
LOUD RESIDENCE!

[Shouting] HELLO?!
LOUD RESIDENCE!
OH, HI, KEVIN!

LOUD RESIDENCE!
OH, HI, KEVIN!
NO. JOAN AND JEAN WENT TO THEIR

OH, HI, KEVIN!
NO. JOAN AND JEAN WENT TO THEIR
FIGURE-SKATING CLASS!

NO. JOAN AND JEAN WENT TO THEIR
FIGURE-SKATING CLASS!
[Shouting] WHO IS IT,

FIGURE-SKATING CLASS!
[Shouting] WHO IS IT,
HONEY?!

[Shouting] WHO IS IT,
HONEY?!
IT'S KEVIN!

HONEY?!
IT'S KEVIN!
[LOUD LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]

IT'S KEVIN!
[LOUD LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]
OH, HERE THEY COME NOW,

[LOUD LAUGHTER IN DISTANCE]
OH, HERE THEY COME NOW,
KEVIN!

OH, HERE THEY COME NOW,
KEVIN!
HOLD ON!

KEVIN!
HOLD ON!
Both: [Shouting] HI, MOM!

HOLD ON!
Both: [Shouting] HI, MOM!
HI, DAD!

Both: [Shouting] HI, MOM!
HI, DAD!
JOAN, IT'S KEVIN!

HI, DAD!
JOAN, IT'S KEVIN!
HE'S ON THE PHONE!

JOAN, IT'S KEVIN!
HE'S ON THE PHONE!
I THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU!

HE'S ON THE PHONE!
I THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU!
OH, MOM!

I THINK HE'S GOT A CRUSH ON YOU!
OH, MOM!
HI. KEVIN?!

OH, MOM!
HI. KEVIN?!
YEAH!

HI. KEVIN?!
YEAH!
WELL, JEAN'S DATE WILL BE OVER

YEAH!
WELL, JEAN'S DATE WILL BE OVER
ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DON'T WE MEET

WELL, JEAN'S DATE WILL BE OVER
ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DON'T WE MEET
HERE?!

ANY MINUTE, SO WHY DON'T WE MEET
HERE?!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW!

HERE?!
WELL, I DON'T KNOW!
WE'LL SEE!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW!
WE'LL SEE!
GOODBYE!

WE'LL SEE!
GOODBYE!
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE

GOODBYE!
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE
FINALLY GETTING DATES!

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU GIRLS ARE
FINALLY GETTING DATES!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BOTH

FINALLY GETTING DATES!
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BOTH
GOOD-LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS!

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE BOTH
GOOD-LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS

GOOD-LOOKING, INTELLIGENT GIRLS!
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS
HAVEN'T BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY GUYS
HAVEN'T BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE
DOOR!

HAVEN'T BEEN FLOCKING AROUND THE
DOOR!
WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM

DOOR!
WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM
SCARED THEM AWAY!

WELL, MAYBE YOU AND MOM
SCARED THEM AWAY!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!

SCARED THEM AWAY!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!
WELL, YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?!
WELL, YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY
TIME TO OURSELVES!

WELL, YOU NEVER GIVE US ANY
TIME TO OURSELVES!
WELL, IF I GET TO KNOW THE

TIME TO OURSELVES!
WELL, IF I GET TO KNOW THE
BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO

WELL, IF I GET TO KNOW THE
BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO
REASON WHY WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO

BOYS IN QUESTION, I SEE NO
REASON WHY WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO
BE ALONE!

REASON WHY WE CAN'T TRUST YOU TO
BE ALONE!
JEAN, WHO'S THE YOUNG MAN YOU'RE

BE ALONE!
JEAN, WHO'S THE YOUNG MAN YOU'RE
SEEING TONIGHT?!

JEAN, WHO'S THE YOUNG MAN YOU'RE
SEEING TONIGHT?!
HIS NAME'S RICK!

SEEING TONIGHT?!
HIS NAME'S RICK!
HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH!

HIS NAME'S RICK!
HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH!
HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH!

HE WORKS AT THE CAR WASH!
HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HE GOES TO JEFFERSON HIGH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
COMING!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
COMING!
HI. I'M RICK PHILLIPS.

COMING!
HI. I'M RICK PHILLIPS.
YOU MUST BE MR. AND MRS. LOUD.

HI. I'M RICK PHILLIPS.
YOU MUST BE MR. AND MRS. LOUD.
Both: THAT'S RIGHT!

YOU MUST BE MR. AND MRS. LOUD.
Both: THAT'S RIGHT!
HI, RICK!

Both: THAT'S RIGHT!
HI, RICK!
HI, JEAN.

HI, RICK!
HI, JEAN.
HI.

HI, JEAN.
HI.
COME HERE!

HI.
COME HERE!
SIT DOWN!

COME HERE!
SIT DOWN!
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SISTER,

SIT DOWN!
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SISTER,
JOAN!

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY SISTER,
JOAN!
HI!

JOAN!
HI!
IT'S EASY TO TELL YOU'RE

HI!
IT'S EASY TO TELL YOU'RE
SISTERS.

IT'S EASY TO TELL YOU'RE
SISTERS.
Both: YOU THINK SO?!

SISTERS.
Both: YOU THINK SO?!
WE DON'T REALLY LOOK THAT

Both: YOU THINK SO?!
WE DON'T REALLY LOOK THAT
MUCH ALIKE OR ANYTHING!

WE DON'T REALLY LOOK THAT
MUCH ALIKE OR ANYTHING!
I DON'T KNOW.

MUCH ALIKE OR ANYTHING!
I DON'T KNOW.
MR. LOUD, YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE

I DON'T KNOW.
MR. LOUD, YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE
TWO LOVELY DAUGHTERS THERE.

MR. LOUD, YOU CERTAINLY DO HAVE
TWO LOVELY DAUGHTERS THERE.
WELL, IT'S A SAD STORY!

TWO LOVELY DAUGHTERS THERE.
WELL, IT'S A SAD STORY!
WE USED TO HAVE THREE!

WELL, IT'S A SAD STORY!
WE USED TO HAVE THREE!
OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER GOT IN A SKI

WE USED TO HAVE THREE!
OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER GOT IN A SKI
ACCIDENT!

OUR ELDEST DAUGHTER GOT IN A SKI
ACCIDENT!
OH. I'M SORRY.

ACCIDENT!
OH. I'M SORRY.
WHAT HAPPENED?

OH. I'M SORRY.
WHAT HAPPENED?
AVALANCHE!

WHAT HAPPENED?
AVALANCHE!
BAD LUCK, I GUESS!

AVALANCHE!
BAD LUCK, I GUESS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

BAD LUCK, I GUESS!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, I'LL GET IT!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, I'LL GET IT!
THAT MUST BE KEVIN!

OH, I'LL GET IT!
THAT MUST BE KEVIN!
HI, KEV!

THAT MUST BE KEVIN!
HI, KEV!
HI, KEVIN!

HI, KEV!
HI, KEVIN!
KEVIN, THIS IS MY FRIEND

HI, KEVIN!
KEVIN, THIS IS MY FRIEND
RICK!

KEVIN, THIS IS MY FRIEND
RICK!
RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND

RICK!
RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND
KEVIN!

RICK, THIS IS MY FRIEND
KEVIN!
SORRY.

KEVIN!
SORRY.
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.

SORRY.
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.
SOME OF THE PLANES WERE DELAYED,

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO CHANGE.
SOME OF THE PLANES WERE DELAYED,
AND THE GROUND CREW HAD TO WORK

SOME OF THE PLANES WERE DELAYED,
AND THE GROUND CREW HAD TO WORK
OVERTIME.

AND THE GROUND CREW HAD TO WORK
OVERTIME.
EH.

OVERTIME.
EH.
WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE

EH.
WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE
YOURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!

WELL, YOU KIDS BEHAVE
YOURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!
MR. LOUD AND I WILL JUST GO

YOURSELVES AND HAVE A GOOD TIME!
MR. LOUD AND I WILL JUST GO
UPSTAIRS AND, UH, READ!

MR. LOUD AND I WILL JUST GO
UPSTAIRS AND, UH, READ!
GOOD NIGHT, KIDS!

UPSTAIRS AND, UH, READ!
GOOD NIGHT, KIDS!
Both: GOOD NIGHT!

GOOD NIGHT, KIDS!
Both: GOOD NIGHT!
AND IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY

Both: GOOD NIGHT!
AND IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY
2:00 AND LOCK THE BACK DOOR!

AND IF YOU GO OUT, BE BACK BY
2:00 AND LOCK THE BACK DOOR!
OKAY!

2:00 AND LOCK THE BACK DOOR!
OKAY!
GOOD NIGHT, MOM!

OKAY!
GOOD NIGHT, MOM!
GOOD NIGHT, DAD!

GOOD NIGHT, MOM!
GOOD NIGHT, DAD!
GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!

GOOD NIGHT, DAD!
GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN!

GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!

GOOD NIGHT, JOAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN!

GOOD NIGHT, JEAN!
GOOD NIGHT, JOAN!
GOOD NIGHT, MOM AND DAD!

OH, BOY, BEVERLY!
I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS
ALL DAY!

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT THIS
ALL DAY!
OH, DAVE! I LOVE YOU!

ALL DAY!
OH, DAVE! I LOVE YOU!
[LOUD MOANING]

OH, DAVE! I LOVE YOU!
[LOUD MOANING]
FASTER, HONEY!

[LOUD MOANING]
FASTER, HONEY!
COME ON!

FASTER, HONEY!
COME ON!
A LITTLE BIT FASTER, HONEY!

COME ON!
A LITTLE BIT FASTER, HONEY!
OH, FASTER!

A LITTLE BIT FASTER, HONEY!
OH, FASTER!
COME ON, BABY!

OH, FASTER!
COME ON, BABY!
FASTER STILL!

COME ON, BABY!
FASTER STILL!
I'M TRYING, DAVE!

FASTER STILL!
I'M TRYING, DAVE!
WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO

I'M TRYING, DAVE!
WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO
TONIGHT?!

WHAT DO YOU GUYS WANT TO DO
TONIGHT?!
HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?

TONIGHT?!
HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?
OKAY, BUT BEFORE WE GO...

HOW ABOUT A MOVIE?
OKAY, BUT BEFORE WE GO...
[INHALES DEEPLY]

HEY! THIS IS GREAT POT!
YEAH! ONE PUFF AND I'M REALLY
STONED!

YEAH! ONE PUFF AND I'M REALLY
STONED!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]

STONED!
[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
QUICK! HIDE THAT GRASS!

[FOOTSTEPS APPROACHING]
QUICK! HIDE THAT GRASS!
HIDE IT! HIDE IT!

QUICK! HIDE THAT GRASS!
HIDE IT! HIDE IT!
I DON'T WANT OUR PARENTS TO

HIDE IT! HIDE IT!
I DON'T WANT OUR PARENTS TO
KNOW WE'RE SMOKING DOPE!

I DON'T WANT OUR PARENTS TO
KNOW WE'RE SMOKING DOPE!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!

KNOW WE'RE SMOKING DOPE!
WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
JEAN! JOAN!

WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?!
JEAN! JOAN!
I'M ASHAMED!

JEAN! JOAN!
I'M ASHAMED!
Both: UH-OH!

I'M ASHAMED!
Both: UH-OH!
EXCUSE ME, BOYS, BUT

Both: UH-OH!
EXCUSE ME, BOYS, BUT
MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO

EXCUSE ME, BOYS, BUT
MRS. LOUD AND I WOULD LIKE TO
HAVE A WORD WITH OUR DAUGHTERS!

UM...
YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THIS WITH THIS
FAMILY?

YOU KNOW, WHAT IS THIS WITH THIS
FAMILY?
THEY SEEM TO TALK, YOU KNOW,

FAMILY?
THEY SEEM TO TALK, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, EXTRA LOUD, LIKE REALLY,

THEY SEEM TO TALK, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, EXTRA LOUD, LIKE REALLY,
REALLY LOUD.

LIKE, EXTRA LOUD, LIKE REALLY,
REALLY LOUD.
WHAT?

REALLY LOUD.
WHAT?
FORGET IT.

WHAT?
FORGET IT.
I BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE

FORGET IT.
I BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN

I BROUGHT YOU IN HERE BECAUSE
I DIDN'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN
FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!

I DIDN'T WANT TO YELL AT YOU IN
FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!
THOSE BOYS ARE OBVIOUSLY

FRONT OF YOUR FRIENDS!
THOSE BOYS ARE OBVIOUSLY
TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I DON'T

THOSE BOYS ARE OBVIOUSLY
TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I DON'T
APPROVE!

TROUBLEMAKERS, AND I DON'T
APPROVE!
MOM, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE

APPROVE!
MOM, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE
I'M A CHILD!

MOM, DON'T YELL AT ME LIKE
I'M A CHILD!
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE

I'M A CHILD!
WELL, YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE
CHILDREN!

WELL, YOU'RE BOTH ACTING LIKE
CHILDREN!
Both: WE ARE NOT!

CHILDREN!
Both: WE ARE NOT!
Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!

Both: WE ARE NOT!
Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
Girls: WE ARE NOT!

Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
Girls: WE ARE NOT!
Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!

Girls: WE ARE NOT!
Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

Parents: YOU ARE, TOO!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS

[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS
HOUR OF THE NIGHT?!

WHO COULD THAT BE AT THIS
HOUR OF THE NIGHT?!
UM...

HOUR OF THE NIGHT?!
UM...
EXCUSE ME, BUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA

UM...
EXCUSE ME, BUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA
HAVE TO QUIET DOWN IN HERE.

EXCUSE ME, BUT Y'ALL ARE GONNA
HAVE TO QUIET DOWN IN HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY!

HAVE TO QUIET DOWN IN HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY!
WHO COMPLAINED?!

OH, I'M SORRY!
WHO COMPLAINED?!
NOBODY.

WHO COMPLAINED?!
NOBODY.
I WAS DRIVING BY.

NOBODY.
I WAS DRIVING BY.
WELL, I'M SORRY!

I WAS DRIVING BY.
WELL, I'M SORRY!
WE WERE FIGHTING!

WELL, I'M SORRY!
WE WERE FIGHTING!
WE'LL STOP!

WE WERE FIGHTING!
WE'LL STOP!
I, UH... HOPE YOU GOT THE

WE'LL STOP!
I, UH... HOPE YOU GOT THE
MESSAGE.

I, UH... HOPE YOU GOT THE
MESSAGE.
All: GOOD NIGHT, OFFICER!

DOCTOR, W-WHAT DO YOU MEAN
SHE COULD LIVE FOR ANOTHER YEAR
IN ALL THIS PAIN?

SHE COULD LIVE FOR ANOTHER YEAR
IN ALL THIS PAIN?
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT SHE

IN ALL THIS PAIN?
ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT SHE
HAS TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE

ALL I'M SAYING IS THAT SHE
HAS TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE
LIVER AND VERTEBRA AND WILL

HAS TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE
LIVER AND VERTEBRA AND WILL
NEVER BE CAPABLE OF WALKING,

LIVER AND VERTEBRA AND WILL
NEVER BE CAPABLE OF WALKING,
MOVING, OR COMMUNICATING.

NEVER BE CAPABLE OF WALKING,
MOVING, OR COMMUNICATING.
AND BECAUSE OF A TOTAL

MOVING, OR COMMUNICATING.
AND BECAUSE OF A TOTAL
DETERIORATION OF THE

AND BECAUSE OF A TOTAL
DETERIORATION OF THE
VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE, SHE IS,

DETERIORATION OF THE
VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE, SHE IS,
HOWEVER, CAPABLE OF SENSING

VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE, SHE IS,
HOWEVER, CAPABLE OF SENSING
EXCRUCIATING PAIN.

HOWEVER, CAPABLE OF SENSING
EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
OH!

EXCRUCIATING PAIN.
OH!
I DON'T WANT TO SOUND COLD

OH!
I DON'T WANT TO SOUND COLD
ABOUT IT, BUT $2,000 A DAY TO

I DON'T WANT TO SOUND COLD
ABOUT IT, BUT $2,000 A DAY TO
KEEP AN OLD WOMAN WHO'S HAD A

ABOUT IT, BUT $2,000 A DAY TO
KEEP AN OLD WOMAN WHO'S HAD A
FULL, HAPPY LIFE IN EXCRUCIATING

KEEP AN OLD WOMAN WHO'S HAD A
FULL, HAPPY LIFE IN EXCRUCIATING
PAIN DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH OF

FULL, HAPPY LIFE IN EXCRUCIATING
PAIN DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH OF
A BARGAIN TO ME.

PAIN DOESN'T SOUND LIKE MUCH OF
A BARGAIN TO ME.
SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT

A BARGAIN TO ME.
SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT
OFF ALL THOSE MACHINES?

SO, UH, WHY DON'T YOU JUST SHUT
OFF ALL THOSE MACHINES?
WELL, WE CAN'T DO THAT.

OFF ALL THOSE MACHINES?
WELL, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
NOT WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF

WELL, WE CAN'T DO THAT.
NOT WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF
THE CLOSEST OF KIN, AND THAT

NOT WITHOUT THE PERMISSION OF
THE CLOSEST OF KIN, AND THAT
WOULD BE YOU, MRS. GILBERT.

THE CLOSEST OF KIN, AND THAT
WOULD BE YOU, MRS. GILBERT.
OH, I JUST DON'T...

WOULD BE YOU, MRS. GILBERT.
OH, I JUST DON'T...
I JUST DON'T KNOW.

OH, I JUST DON'T...
I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD MOTHER WANT?

I JUST DON'T KNOW.
I MEAN, WHAT WOULD MOTHER WANT?
I WISH SHE COULD GIVE US A

I MEAN, WHAT WOULD MOTHER WANT?
I WISH SHE COULD GIVE US A
SIGNAL OR SOMETHING.

I WISH SHE COULD GIVE US A
SIGNAL OR SOMETHING.
OH, HONEY, LET'S FACE IT...

SIGNAL OR SOMETHING.
OH, HONEY, LET'S FACE IT...
SHE'S A VEG.

OH, HONEY, LET'S FACE IT...
SHE'S A VEG.
I-I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T BE

SHE'S A VEG.
I-I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T BE
THE ONE TO GIVE MY PERMISSION TO

I-I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T BE
THE ONE TO GIVE MY PERMISSION TO
LET HER DIE.

THE ONE TO GIVE MY PERMISSION TO
LET HER DIE.
WELL, THEN, OUR HANDS ARE

LET HER DIE.
WELL, THEN, OUR HANDS ARE
TIED.

WELL, THEN, OUR HANDS ARE
TIED.
I'M SORRY.

TIED.
I'M SORRY.
YEAH.

I'M SORRY.
YEAH.
HERE'S ONE IN 1217.

YEAH.
HERE'S ONE IN 1217.
TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE LIVER

HERE'S ONE IN 1217.
TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE LIVER
AND VERTEBRA, DETERIORATION OF

TERMINAL METASTASIS OF THE LIVER
AND VERTEBRA, DETERIORATION OF
THE VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE

AND VERTEBRA, DETERIORATION OF
THE VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE
BUNDLE.

THE VESTIBULOCOCHLEAR NERVE
BUNDLE.
SHE MUST BE IN A LOT OF PAIN.

BUNDLE.
SHE MUST BE IN A LOT OF PAIN.
ARE THEY GONNA LET HER DIE

SHE MUST BE IN A LOT OF PAIN.
ARE THEY GONNA LET HER DIE
WITH DIGNITY?

ARE THEY GONNA LET HER DIE
WITH DIGNITY?
LET'S SEE.

WITH DIGNITY?
LET'S SEE.
NO.

LET'S SEE.
NO.
THEY'RE KEEPING HER ON THE

NO.
THEY'RE KEEPING HER ON THE
MACHINES.

THEY'RE KEEPING HER ON THE
MACHINES.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR US,

MACHINES.
IT SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR US,
ALL RIGHT.

IT SOUNDS LIKE A JOB FOR US,
ALL RIGHT.
Announcer: NOW IT'S TIME FOR

ALL RIGHT.
Announcer: NOW IT'S TIME FOR
"MERCY KILLERS," THE UNSUNG

Announcer: NOW IT'S TIME FOR
"MERCY KILLERS," THE UNSUNG
HEROES OF THE TERMINALLY ILL.

WHAT ARE YOU TWO DOING IN MY
OFFICE?
WE... WE PASSED BY YOUR

OFFICE?
WE... WE PASSED BY YOUR
OFFICE, WE HEARD SOME NOISE.

WE... WE PASSED BY YOUR
OFFICE, WE HEARD SOME NOISE.
WE CAME IN AND SURPRISED SOME

OFFICE, WE HEARD SOME NOISE.
WE CAME IN AND SURPRISED SOME
CREEP IN A LEATHER JACKET.

WE CAME IN AND SURPRISED SOME
CREEP IN A LEATHER JACKET.
WE TRIED TO GRAB HIM, BUT HE RAN

CREEP IN A LEATHER JACKET.
WE TRIED TO GRAB HIM, BUT HE RAN
OUT.

WE TRIED TO GRAB HIM, BUT HE RAN
OUT.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.

OUT.
YEAH, THAT'S IT.
I DON'T THINK HE TOOK ANYTHING.

YEAH, THAT'S IT.
I DON'T THINK HE TOOK ANYTHING.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE HAVE

I DON'T THINK HE TOOK ANYTHING.
OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE HAVE
BEEN SOME STRANGE THINGS GOING

OH, GOOD, 'CAUSE THERE HAVE
BEEN SOME STRANGE THINGS GOING
ON IN THIS HOSPITAL.

BEEN SOME STRANGE THINGS GOING
ON IN THIS HOSPITAL.
YOU TWO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING

ON IN THIS HOSPITAL.
YOU TWO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT MYSTERIOUS DEATH IN

YOU TWO DON'T KNOW ANYTHING
ABOUT THAT MYSTERIOUS DEATH IN
POST-OP, DO YOU?

ABOUT THAT MYSTERIOUS DEATH IN
POST-OP, DO YOU?
NO.

POST-OP, DO YOU?
NO.
WE'RE ORDERLIES.

NO.
WE'RE ORDERLIES.
WE JUST CLEAN BEDPANS.

WE'RE ORDERLIES.
WE JUST CLEAN BEDPANS.
COME ON.

WE JUST CLEAN BEDPANS.
COME ON.
LET'S GO CLEAN BEDPANS.

COME ON.
LET'S GO CLEAN BEDPANS.
YEAH.

LET'S GO CLEAN BEDPANS.
YEAH.
HEY, WAIT UP.

YEAH.
HEY, WAIT UP.
ALL RIGHT, NOT TOO FAST.

HEY, WAIT UP.
ALL RIGHT, NOT TOO FAST.
TAKE IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT, NOT TOO FAST.
TAKE IT EASY.
[GROANS]

TAKE IT EASY.
[GROANS]
THAT'S IT.

[GROANS]
THAT'S IT.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LADIES,

THAT'S IT.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LADIES,
I FEEL FINE.

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, LADIES,
I FEEL FINE.
[GRUNTS]

I FEEL FINE.
[GRUNTS]
WHY DON'T BOTH OF YOU HOP INTO

[GRUNTS]
WHY DON'T BOTH OF YOU HOP INTO
BED WITH ME AND LET ME TRY OUT

WHY DON'T BOTH OF YOU HOP INTO
BED WITH ME AND LET ME TRY OUT
MY NEW VASECTOMY?

BED WITH ME AND LET ME TRY OUT
MY NEW VASECTOMY?
NOW, NOW, MR. WILKIE, YOU'LL

MY NEW VASECTOMY?
NOW, NOW, MR. WILKIE, YOU'LL
BE OUT OF HERE TOMORROW, AND YOU

NOW, NOW, MR. WILKIE, YOU'LL
BE OUT OF HERE TOMORROW, AND YOU
CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

BE OUT OF HERE TOMORROW, AND YOU
CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
BUT UNTIL THEN, WE'LL FOLLOW

CAN DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
BUT UNTIL THEN, WE'LL FOLLOW
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS.

BUT UNTIL THEN, WE'LL FOLLOW
HOSPITAL REGULATIONS.
HEY, WHO'S IN THAT BED OVER

HOSPITAL REGULATIONS.
HEY, WHO'S IN THAT BED OVER
THERE?

HEY, WHO'S IN THAT BED OVER
THERE?
NEVER YOU MIND... IT'S JUST

THERE?
NEVER YOU MIND... IT'S JUST
SOMEONE FAST ASLEEP, WHICH IS

NEVER YOU MIND... IT'S JUST
SOMEONE FAST ASLEEP, WHICH IS
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE IN A SECOND

SOMEONE FAST ASLEEP, WHICH IS
WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE IN A SECOND
ONCE THESE SEDATIVES KICK IN.

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE IN A SECOND
ONCE THESE SEDATIVES KICK IN.
AFTER THAT, ALL YOU'LL WANT TO

ONCE THESE SEDATIVES KICK IN.
AFTER THAT, ALL YOU'LL WANT TO
DO IS GO TO SLEEP.

AFTER THAT, ALL YOU'LL WANT TO
DO IS GO TO SLEEP.
OKAY.

DO IS GO TO SLEEP.
OKAY.
I AM PRETTY SLEEPY ALREADY.

OKAY.
I AM PRETTY SLEEPY ALREADY.
GOOD NIGHT.

I AM PRETTY SLEEPY ALREADY.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
NIGHT.
[YAWNS]

NIGHT.
[YAWNS]
THIS IS IT.

[YAWNS]
THIS IS IT.
1217.

THIS IS IT.
1217.
HERE'S THE BED.

1217.
HERE'S THE BED.
HERE'S THE PATIENT.

HERE'S THE BED.
HERE'S THE PATIENT.
UM, HEY, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?

HERE'S THE PATIENT.
UM, HEY, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
IT'S OKAY.

UM, HEY, WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?
IT'S OKAY.
WE'RE JUST ORDERLIES.

IT'S OKAY.
WE'RE JUST ORDERLIES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE JUST ORDERLIES.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HEY...

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
HEY...
DIDN'T THE FILE SAY 78-YEAR-OLD

HEY...
DIDN'T THE FILE SAY 78-YEAR-OLD
FEMALE CAUCASIAN?

DIDN'T THE FILE SAY 78-YEAR-OLD
FEMALE CAUCASIAN?
YEAH, IT DID.

FEMALE CAUCASIAN?
YEAH, IT DID.
ANOTHER MISTAKE IN THE FILE

YEAH, IT DID.
ANOTHER MISTAKE IN THE FILE
SYSTEM.

ANOTHER MISTAKE IN THE FILE
SYSTEM.
THIS HOSPITAL'S REALLY GOING

SYSTEM.
THIS HOSPITAL'S REALLY GOING
DOWNHILL.

THIS HOSPITAL'S REALLY GOING
DOWNHILL.
LET'S DO IT.

DOWNHILL.
LET'S DO IT.
W-W-WHAT'S GOING ON, FELLAS?

LET'S DO IT.
W-W-WHAT'S GOING ON, FELLAS?
HEY!

W-W-WHAT'S GOING ON, FELLAS?
HEY!
STOP.

HEY!
STOP.
WAIT A MINUTE.

STOP.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?

WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE TAKING

WHAT?
MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE TAKING
THIS RESPONSIBILITY.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T BE TAKING
THIS RESPONSIBILITY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THIS RESPONSIBILITY.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PULL THIS ON

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PULL THIS ON
ME AT THE LAST MINUTE?

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PULL THIS ON
ME AT THE LAST MINUTE?
I'M GONNA TELL YOU A LITTLE

ME AT THE LAST MINUTE?
I'M GONNA TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO DREAMED OF

I'M GONNA TELL YOU A LITTLE
STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO DREAMED OF
GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL TO BE A

STORY ABOUT A GUY WHO DREAMED OF
GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL TO BE A
SURGEON BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE

GOING TO MEDICAL SCHOOL TO BE A
SURGEON BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE
HIS FATHER WAS LYING IN SILENT

SURGEON BUT HE COULDN'T BECAUSE
HIS FATHER WAS LYING IN SILENT
AGONY FOR YEARS WHILE THE FAMILY

HIS FATHER WAS LYING IN SILENT
AGONY FOR YEARS WHILE THE FAMILY
WAS SPIRITUALLY AND FINANCIALLY

AGONY FOR YEARS WHILE THE FAMILY
WAS SPIRITUALLY AND FINANCIALLY
DRAINED.

WAS SPIRITUALLY AND FINANCIALLY
DRAINED.
AND THAT GUY, HE COULDN'T GO TO

DRAINED.
AND THAT GUY, HE COULDN'T GO TO
MEDICAL SCHOOL, SO HE HAD TO

AND THAT GUY, HE COULDN'T GO TO
MEDICAL SCHOOL, SO HE HAD TO
BECOME AN ORDERLY, CLEAN

MEDICAL SCHOOL, SO HE HAD TO
BECOME AN ORDERLY, CLEAN
BEDPANS, AND THE ONLY WAY HE

BECOME AN ORDERLY, CLEAN
BEDPANS, AND THE ONLY WAY HE
COULD HELP PEOPLE WAS BY LETTING

BEDPANS, AND THE ONLY WAY HE
COULD HELP PEOPLE WAS BY LETTING
THEM DIE IN DIGNITY LIKE THIS.

COULD HELP PEOPLE WAS BY LETTING
THEM DIE IN DIGNITY LIKE THIS.
GEE.

THEM DIE IN DIGNITY LIKE THIS.
GEE.
DID THAT STORY HAPPEN TO YOU?

GEE.
DID THAT STORY HAPPEN TO YOU?
NO.

DID THAT STORY HAPPEN TO YOU?
NO.
GIVE ME A HAND WITH THIS GUY.

ANOTHER MERCIFUL DEATH.

WELL, AT LEAST WE WON'T HAVE
TO CLEAN UP AFTER THIS ONE
ANYMORE.

TO CLEAN UP AFTER THIS ONE
ANYMORE.
THE PEOPLE WE HELP CAN NEVER

ANYMORE.
THE PEOPLE WE HELP CAN NEVER
THANK US.

THE PEOPLE WE HELP CAN NEVER
THANK US.
ALL WE CAN EXPECT IS THAT MAYBE

THANK US.
ALL WE CAN EXPECT IS THAT MAYBE
SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL WRITE A

ALL WE CAN EXPECT IS THAT MAYBE
SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL WRITE A
SONG ABOUT US.

SOMEDAY SOMEONE WILL WRITE A
SONG ABOUT US.
COME ON.

SONG ABOUT US.
COME ON.
LET'S GO GET SOME COFFEE AND A

COME ON.
LET'S GO GET SOME COFFEE AND A
SWEET ROLL.

♪ THEY KILL NOT BECAUSE THEY

WANT TO ♪

♪ BECAUSE THEY THINK IT'S RIGHT

TO IN SOME CASES ♪

♪ HAVE MERCY ON THEM ♪

♪ AND SOMEDAY, THEY MAY HAVE

MERCY ON YOU ♪

♪ THE MERCY KILLERS ♪

♪ HAVE MERCY ON YOU ♪

♪ THE MERCY KILLERS ♪

BETTY FORD'S FACE-LIFT
BACKFIRES.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON

BACKFIRES.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ANCIENT BONES FOUND NORTH OF

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ANCIENT BONES FOUND NORTH OF
CAIRO THIS WEEK WERE BELIEVED TO

ANCIENT BONES FOUND NORTH OF
CAIRO THIS WEEK WERE BELIEVED TO
BE THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF

CAIRO THIS WEEK WERE BELIEVED TO
BE THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF
ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST.

BE THE SKELETAL REMAINS OF
ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST.
WELL, EXCITED SCIENTISTS

ST. JOHN THE BAPTIST.
WELL, EXCITED SCIENTISTS
RECONSTRUCTED THE SKELETON AND

WELL, EXCITED SCIENTISTS
RECONSTRUCTED THE SKELETON AND
DETERMINED THAT ST. JOHN WAS A

RECONSTRUCTED THE SKELETON AND
DETERMINED THAT ST. JOHN WAS A
SWAMP-DWELLING HERBIVORE WHO

DETERMINED THAT ST. JOHN WAS A
SWAMP-DWELLING HERBIVORE WHO
WEIGHED NEARLY 6 TONS AND STOOD

SWAMP-DWELLING HERBIVORE WHO
WEIGHED NEARLY 6 TONS AND STOOD
70 FEET FROM THE TIP OF HIS

WEIGHED NEARLY 6 TONS AND STOOD
70 FEET FROM THE TIP OF HIS
SNOUT TO THE SPIKED TAIL.

70 FEET FROM THE TIP OF HIS
SNOUT TO THE SPIKED TAIL.
THE BIGGEST SURPRISE... HIS

SNOUT TO THE SPIKED TAIL.
THE BIGGEST SURPRISE... HIS
BRAIN WAS NO LARGER THAN A

THE BIGGEST SURPRISE... HIS
BRAIN WAS NO LARGER THAN A
WALNUT.

BRAIN WAS NO LARGER THAN A
WALNUT.
RUMORS HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING FOR

WALNUT.
RUMORS HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING FOR
MONTHS THAT McDONALD'S HAS BEEN

RUMORS HAVE BEEN CIRCULATING FOR
MONTHS THAT McDONALD'S HAS BEEN
ADDING GROUND WORMS TO THEIR

MONTHS THAT McDONALD'S HAS BEEN
ADDING GROUND WORMS TO THEIR
HAMBURGER MEAT IN ORDER TO

ADDING GROUND WORMS TO THEIR
HAMBURGER MEAT IN ORDER TO
INCREASE THE PROTEIN CONTENT.

HAMBURGER MEAT IN ORDER TO
INCREASE THE PROTEIN CONTENT.
ALTHOUGH McDONALD'S OFFICIALLY

INCREASE THE PROTEIN CONTENT.
ALTHOUGH McDONALD'S OFFICIALLY
DENIED THE CHARGE, THEY STILL

ALTHOUGH McDONALD'S OFFICIALLY
DENIED THE CHARGE, THEY STILL
HAVE TROUBLE EXPLAINING WHY,

DENIED THE CHARGE, THEY STILL
HAVE TROUBLE EXPLAINING WHY,
WHEN YOU CUT A BIG MAC IN HALF,

HAVE TROUBLE EXPLAINING WHY,
WHEN YOU CUT A BIG MAC IN HALF,
IT CRAWLS IN TWO DIFFERENT

WHEN YOU CUT A BIG MAC IN HALF,
IT CRAWLS IN TWO DIFFERENT
DIRECTIONS.

IT CRAWLS IN TWO DIFFERENT
DIRECTIONS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY,

DIRECTIONS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY,
OPERATING MORE THAN 1,000

AND IN A RELATED STORY,
OPERATING MORE THAN 1,000
RESTAURANTS IN 47 STATES,

OPERATING MORE THAN 1,000
RESTAURANTS IN 47 STATES,
SAMBO'S RESTAURANTS INCORPORATED

RESTAURANTS IN 47 STATES,
SAMBO'S RESTAURANTS INCORPORATED
IS DEFENDING ITS NAME IN COURT.

SAMBO'S RESTAURANTS INCORPORATED
IS DEFENDING ITS NAME IN COURT.
AN EAST PROVIDENCE,

IS DEFENDING ITS NAME IN COURT.
AN EAST PROVIDENCE,
RHODE ISLAND, CITY COUNCIL SAYS

AN EAST PROVIDENCE,
RHODE ISLAND, CITY COUNCIL SAYS
THE NAME SAMBO IS A STEREOTYPE

RHODE ISLAND, CITY COUNCIL SAYS
THE NAME SAMBO IS A STEREOTYPE
AND A RACIAL SLUR AGAINST BLACK

THE NAME SAMBO IS A STEREOTYPE
AND A RACIAL SLUR AGAINST BLACK
PEOPLE.

AND A RACIAL SLUR AGAINST BLACK
PEOPLE.
REPORTEDLY, SAMBO'S MAY SWITCH

PEOPLE.
REPORTEDLY, SAMBO'S MAY SWITCH
TO A KOSHER MENU AND CHANGE ITS

REPORTEDLY, SAMBO'S MAY SWITCH
TO A KOSHER MENU AND CHANGE ITS
NAME TO BOB'S JEW BOY.

TO A KOSHER MENU AND CHANGE ITS
NAME TO BOB'S JEW BOY.
BILL?

NAME TO BOB'S JEW BOY.
BILL?
THE FIRST MAN TO WALK ON THE

BILL?
THE FIRST MAN TO WALK ON THE
MOON, NEIL ARMSTRONG, LOST A

THE FIRST MAN TO WALK ON THE
MOON, NEIL ARMSTRONG, LOST A
FINGER WHEN HE JUMPED FROM A

MOON, NEIL ARMSTRONG, LOST A
FINGER WHEN HE JUMPED FROM A
TRUCK AND CAUGHT HIS WEDDING

FINGER WHEN HE JUMPED FROM A
TRUCK AND CAUGHT HIS WEDDING
RING ON A BARN DOOR AT HIS

TRUCK AND CAUGHT HIS WEDDING
RING ON A BARN DOOR AT HIS
SUBURBAN CINCINNATI HOME.

RING ON A BARN DOOR AT HIS
SUBURBAN CINCINNATI HOME.
WHILE JUMPING OFF THE TRUCK, THE

SUBURBAN CINCINNATI HOME.
WHILE JUMPING OFF THE TRUCK, THE
FORMER ASTRONAUT WAS QUOTED AS

WHILE JUMPING OFF THE TRUCK, THE
FORMER ASTRONAUT WAS QUOTED AS
SAYING, "ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,

FORMER ASTRONAUT WAS QUOTED AS
SAYING, "ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
A GIANT AAAAAAAAAAAAH!

SAYING, "ONE SMALL STEP FOR MAN,
A GIANT AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"

A GIANT AAAAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
JANE?

AAAAAAAAAAAAH!"
JANE?
WAIT.

JANE?
WAIT.
A FREIGHTER FILLED WITH 2,500

WAIT.
A FREIGHTER FILLED WITH 2,500
VIETNAMESE REFUGEES CAPTURED

A FREIGHTER FILLED WITH 2,500
VIETNAMESE REFUGEES CAPTURED
WORLD ATTENTION THIS WEEK WHEN

VIETNAMESE REFUGEES CAPTURED
WORLD ATTENTION THIS WEEK WHEN
THE MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT REFUSED

WORLD ATTENTION THIS WEEK WHEN
THE MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT REFUSED
TO ALLOW THEM TO LAND.

THE MALAYSIAN GOVERNMENT REFUSED
TO ALLOW THEM TO LAND.
WITH DISEASE RAMPANT AND POOR

TO ALLOW THEM TO LAND.
WITH DISEASE RAMPANT AND POOR
SANITARY CONDITIONS AND FOOD

WITH DISEASE RAMPANT AND POOR
SANITARY CONDITIONS AND FOOD
SUPPLIES EXHAUSTED, THE SHIP OF

SANITARY CONDITIONS AND FOOD
SUPPLIES EXHAUSTED, THE SHIP OF
SUFFERING VIETNAMESE HAD NOTHING

SUPPLIES EXHAUSTED, THE SHIP OF
SUFFERING VIETNAMESE HAD NOTHING
TO EAT EXCEPT A SMALL AMOUNT OF

SUFFERING VIETNAMESE HAD NOTHING
TO EAT EXCEPT A SMALL AMOUNT OF
FRIED LICE.

TO EAT EXCEPT A SMALL AMOUNT OF
FRIED LICE.
WELL, THIS JUST IN...

FRIED LICE.
WELL, THIS JUST IN...
THE F...

WELL, THIS JUST IN...
THE F...
THE FBI HAS A NEW THEORY ON THE

THE F...
THE FBI HAS A NEW THEORY ON THE
JIMMY HOFFA CASE.

THE FBI HAS A NEW THEORY ON THE
JIMMY HOFFA CASE.
THANK YOU.

JIMMY HOFFA CASE.
THANK YOU.
IT'S COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE

THANK YOU.
IT'S COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE
DRAWING ROOM WITH THE

IT'S COLONEL MUSTARD IN THE
DRAWING ROOM WITH THE
CANDLESTICK.

DRAWING ROOM WITH THE
CANDLESTICK.
JANE?

CANDLESTICK.
JANE?
WELL, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.

JANE?
WELL, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
JACK KREVELLO OF BOSTON,

WELL, BETTER LATE THAN NEVER.
JACK KREVELLO OF BOSTON,
MASSACHUSETTS, HOLDS A CHAIN

JACK KREVELLO OF BOSTON,
MASSACHUSETTS, HOLDS A CHAIN
LETTER THAT WAS MAILED TO HIM 22

MASSACHUSETTS, HOLDS A CHAIN
LETTER THAT WAS MAILED TO HIM 22
YEARS AGO THAT HE RECEIVED

LETTER THAT WAS MAILED TO HIM 22
YEARS AGO THAT HE RECEIVED
YESTERDAY BECAUSE IT HAD GOTTEN

YEARS AGO THAT HE RECEIVED
YESTERDAY BECAUSE IT HAD GOTTEN
LOST BEHIND SOME POST-OFFICE

YESTERDAY BECAUSE IT HAD GOTTEN
LOST BEHIND SOME POST-OFFICE
EQUIPMENT.

LOST BEHIND SOME POST-OFFICE
EQUIPMENT.
ACCORDING TO THE SUPERSTITIOUS

EQUIPMENT.
ACCORDING TO THE SUPERSTITIOUS
JACK, THE LETTER SAID, "PLEASE

ACCORDING TO THE SUPERSTITIOUS
JACK, THE LETTER SAID, "PLEASE
DON'T BREAK THIS CHAIN OR ELSE

JACK, THE LETTER SAID, "PLEASE
DON'T BREAK THIS CHAIN OR ELSE
YOU'LL END UP WITH GLASSES AND A

DON'T BREAK THIS CHAIN OR ELSE
YOU'LL END UP WITH GLASSES AND A
REAL FAT CHIN."

YOU'LL END UP WITH GLASSES AND A
REAL FAT CHIN."
BILL?

REAL FAT CHIN."
BILL?
IN ITALY, THE ITALIAN PRESS

BILL?
IN ITALY, THE ITALIAN PRESS
IS CHARGING THAT THE OFFICIAL

IN ITALY, THE ITALIAN PRESS
IS CHARGING THAT THE OFFICIAL
BANK OF THE VATICAN, THE

IS CHARGING THAT THE OFFICIAL
BANK OF THE VATICAN, THE
ISTITUTO PER LE OPERE DI

BANK OF THE VATICAN, THE
ISTITUTO PER LE OPERE DI
RELIGIONE, IS HELPING WEALTHY

ISTITUTO PER LE OPERE DI
RELIGIONE, IS HELPING WEALTHY
ITALIANS EVADE TAX AND CURRENCY

RELIGIONE, IS HELPING WEALTHY
ITALIANS EVADE TAX AND CURRENCY
LAWS AND IS ENGAGING IN

ITALIANS EVADE TAX AND CURRENCY
LAWS AND IS ENGAGING IN
LARGE-SCALE SPECULATION IN

LAWS AND IS ENGAGING IN
LARGE-SCALE SPECULATION IN
FOREIGN CURRENCY.

LARGE-SCALE SPECULATION IN
FOREIGN CURRENCY.
HERE WITH A COMMENT ON THAT IS

FOREIGN CURRENCY.
HERE WITH A COMMENT ON THAT IS
THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR THE

HERE WITH A COMMENT ON THAT IS
THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,

THE GOSSIP COLUMNIST FOR THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

IT'S SOUR GRAPES.
THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
JUST SOUR GRAPES FROM THE

THAT'S WHAT IT IS.
JUST SOUR GRAPES FROM THE
GOVERNMENT, FROM THE PRESS.

JUST SOUR GRAPES FROM THE
GOVERNMENT, FROM THE PRESS.
IS JUST... JUST BECAUSE CURRENCY

GOVERNMENT, FROM THE PRESS.
IS JUST... JUST BECAUSE CURRENCY
IS GOING OVER THE BORDERS AND

IS JUST... JUST BECAUSE CURRENCY
IS GOING OVER THE BORDERS AND
IT'S NOT COMING BACK.

IS GOING OVER THE BORDERS AND
IT'S NOT COMING BACK.
THAT'S THE BIG DEAL.

IT'S NOT COMING BACK.
THAT'S THE BIG DEAL.
AND I THINK THAT IF THE VATICAN

THAT'S THE BIG DEAL.
AND I THINK THAT IF THE VATICAN
BANK COULD GET SOME OF DEPOSITS,

AND I THINK THAT IF THE VATICAN
BANK COULD GET SOME OF DEPOSITS,
HAVE SOME MONEY COMING IN, THEY

BANK COULD GET SOME OF DEPOSITS,
HAVE SOME MONEY COMING IN, THEY
WOULD LAY OFF US, YOU KNOW,

HAVE SOME MONEY COMING IN, THEY
WOULD LAY OFF US, YOU KNOW,
AND GET OFF OUR BACK FOR A

WOULD LAY OFF US, YOU KNOW,
AND GET OFF OUR BACK FOR A
LITTLE WHILE.

AND GET OFF OUR BACK FOR A
LITTLE WHILE.
AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN

LITTLE WHILE.
AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN
KEEPING UP WITH RECENT ECONOMIC

AND, YOU KNOW, IF YOU HAVE BEEN
KEEPING UP WITH RECENT ECONOMIC
CONDITIONS IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE

KEEPING UP WITH RECENT ECONOMIC
CONDITIONS IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE
PROBABLY MORE THAN AWARE OF THE

CONDITIONS IN THE WORLD, YOU'RE
PROBABLY MORE THAN AWARE OF THE
DWINDLING VALUE OF THE AMERICAN

PROBABLY MORE THAN AWARE OF THE
DWINDLING VALUE OF THE AMERICAN
DOLLAR.

DWINDLING VALUE OF THE AMERICAN
DOLLAR.
NOW THE VATICAN BANK IS OFFERING

DOLLAR.
NOW THE VATICAN BANK IS OFFERING
AMERICAN PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY

NOW THE VATICAN BANK IS OFFERING
AMERICAN PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO PUT YOUR MONEY IN OUR BANK

AMERICAN PEOPLE THE OPPORTUNITY
TO PUT YOUR MONEY IN OUR BANK
AND TRANSFER IT TO THE EUROPEAN

TO PUT YOUR MONEY IN OUR BANK
AND TRANSFER IT TO THE EUROPEAN
CURRENCY OF YOUR CHOICE.

AND TRANSFER IT TO THE EUROPEAN
CURRENCY OF YOUR CHOICE.
IN FACT, IF YOU DEPOSIT $1,000

CURRENCY OF YOUR CHOICE.
IN FACT, IF YOU DEPOSIT $1,000
OR MORE BEFORE THE FIRST OF ANY

IN FACT, IF YOU DEPOSIT $1,000
OR MORE BEFORE THE FIRST OF ANY
QUARTER, WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU,

OR MORE BEFORE THE FIRST OF ANY
QUARTER, WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU,
ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE, THESE

QUARTER, WE'RE GONNA SEND YOU,
ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE, THESE
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN KID

ABSOLUTELY FREE OF CHARGE, THESE
BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN KID
GLOVES.

BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL ITALIAN KID
GLOVES.
THEY COME IN BLACK, BEIGE,

GLOVES.
THEY COME IN BLACK, BEIGE,
BROWN, OR, MY FAVORITE, PEARL

THEY COME IN BLACK, BEIGE,
BROWN, OR, MY FAVORITE, PEARL
WHITE.

BROWN, OR, MY FAVORITE, PEARL
WHITE.
AND IF YOU HAVE $2,000 OR MORE,

WHITE.
AND IF YOU HAVE $2,000 OR MORE,
WELL, YOU'RE REALLY ON LUCKY

AND IF YOU HAVE $2,000 OR MORE,
WELL, YOU'RE REALLY ON LUCKY
STREET.

WELL, YOU'RE REALLY ON LUCKY
STREET.
YOU GET TO HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL

STREET.
YOU GET TO HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL
WALL CLOCK.

YOU GET TO HAVE THIS BEAUTIFUL
WALL CLOCK.
IT'S SOLID AS CAN BE, AND IT'S

WALL CLOCK.
IT'S SOLID AS CAN BE, AND IT'S
GOT ALL OF THE SIGNS OF THE

IT'S SOLID AS CAN BE, AND IT'S
GOT ALL OF THE SIGNS OF THE
ZODIAC FROM CAPRICORN ALL THE

GOT ALL OF THE SIGNS OF THE
ZODIAC FROM CAPRICORN ALL THE
WAY TO SAGITARIUM.

ZODIAC FROM CAPRICORN ALL THE
WAY TO SAGITARIUM.
THEY'RE ALL THERE.

WAY TO SAGITARIUM.
THEY'RE ALL THERE.
AND, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE WOULD

THEY'RE ALL THERE.
AND, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE WOULD
LIKE SOME MONEY PRETTY SOON, IF

AND, YOU KNOW, SINCE WE WOULD
LIKE SOME MONEY PRETTY SOON, IF
PEOPLE SEND IT BEFORE THE FIRST

LIKE SOME MONEY PRETTY SOON, IF
PEOPLE SEND IT BEFORE THE FIRST
OF THE YEAR, FOR JUST $2.50, YOU

PEOPLE SEND IT BEFORE THE FIRST
OF THE YEAR, FOR JUST $2.50, YOU
GET THIS BOOK, A REGULAR $22

OF THE YEAR, FOR JUST $2.50, YOU
GET THIS BOOK, A REGULAR $22
VALUE... I WROTE IT MYSELF.

GET THIS BOOK, A REGULAR $22
VALUE... I WROTE IT MYSELF.
IT'S CALLED THE "GUIDE TO THE

VALUE... I WROTE IT MYSELF.
IT'S CALLED THE "GUIDE TO THE
CONFESSIONAL."

IT'S CALLED THE "GUIDE TO THE
CONFESSIONAL."
YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERY APRIL, YOU

CONFESSIONAL."
YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERY APRIL, YOU
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU

YOU KNOW, IT'S EVERY APRIL, YOU
PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU
HAVE TO PAY YOUR INCOME TAX.

PEOPLE IN THE UNITED STATES, YOU
HAVE TO PAY YOUR INCOME TAX.
AND, YOU KNOW, PAYING YOUR

HAVE TO PAY YOUR INCOME TAX.
AND, YOU KNOW, PAYING YOUR
INCOME TAX IN THIS COUNTRY, IT'S

AND, YOU KNOW, PAYING YOUR
INCOME TAX IN THIS COUNTRY, IT'S
KIND OF LIKE GOING TO CONFESSION

INCOME TAX IN THIS COUNTRY, IT'S
KIND OF LIKE GOING TO CONFESSION
TO THE GOVERNMENT.

KIND OF LIKE GOING TO CONFESSION
TO THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU GOT TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH

TO THE GOVERNMENT.
YOU GOT TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH
MONEY YOU MADE, WHERE YOU MADE

YOU GOT TO TELL THEM HOW MUCH
MONEY YOU MADE, WHERE YOU MADE
IT, WHERE YOU SPENT IT, ALL THAT

MONEY YOU MADE, WHERE YOU MADE
IT, WHERE YOU SPENT IT, ALL THAT
STUFF.

IT, WHERE YOU SPENT IT, ALL THAT
STUFF.
AND, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WITH A LOT

STUFF.
AND, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WITH A LOT
OF MONEY, THEY GET LAWYERS, THEY

AND, YOU KNOW, PEOPLE WITH A LOT
OF MONEY, THEY GET LAWYERS, THEY
GET ACCOUNTANTS, AND THOSE

OF MONEY, THEY GET LAWYERS, THEY
GET ACCOUNTANTS, AND THOSE
PEOPLE WEASEL AND MANEUVER THEIR

GET ACCOUNTANTS, AND THOSE
PEOPLE WEASEL AND MANEUVER THEIR
WAY AROUND THE LAWS AND THEY

PEOPLE WEASEL AND MANEUVER THEIR
WAY AROUND THE LAWS AND THEY
GET THEIR CLIENTS OFF PRETTY

WAY AROUND THE LAWS AND THEY
GET THEIR CLIENTS OFF PRETTY
EASY.

GET THEIR CLIENTS OFF PRETTY
EASY.
WELL, IT'S THE SAME IN THE

EASY.
WELL, IT'S THE SAME IN THE
CHURCH.

WELL, IT'S THE SAME IN THE
CHURCH.
AND WITH THIS BOOK, YOU'RE GONNA

CHURCH.
AND WITH THIS BOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ABLE TO WEASEL AND MANEUVER

AND WITH THIS BOOK, YOU'RE GONNA
BE ABLE TO WEASEL AND MANEUVER
YOUR WAY AROUND THE

BE ABLE TO WEASEL AND MANEUVER
YOUR WAY AROUND THE
CONFESSIONAL.

YOUR WAY AROUND THE
CONFESSIONAL.
YOU CAN SCREW AROUND YOUR WHOLE

CONFESSIONAL.
YOU CAN SCREW AROUND YOUR WHOLE
LIFE AND STILL GET TO HEAVEN.

YOU CAN SCREW AROUND YOUR WHOLE
LIFE AND STILL GET TO HEAVEN.
THAT'S RIGHT.

LIFE AND STILL GET TO HEAVEN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL HERE.

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S ALL HERE.
ETERNAL HAPPINESS... $2.95.

IT'S ALL HERE.
ETERNAL HAPPINESS... $2.95.
WHO CAN BEAT THAT?

ETERNAL HAPPINESS... $2.95.
WHO CAN BEAT THAT?
FOREVER. FOREVER, YOU KNOW?

WHO CAN BEAT THAT?
FOREVER. FOREVER, YOU KNOW?
AND I TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU JUST

FOREVER. FOREVER, YOU KNOW?
AND I TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU JUST
DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO THE

AND I TELL YOU WHAT, IF YOU JUST
DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO THE
POOL, YOU KNOW, SEND THE CASH IN

DON'T WANT TO JUMP INTO THE
POOL, YOU KNOW, SEND THE CASH IN
THE MAIL, JUST SEND A LETTER,

POOL, YOU KNOW, SEND THE CASH IN
THE MAIL, JUST SEND A LETTER,
SAY YOU WANT INFORMATION, AND

THE MAIL, JUST SEND A LETTER,
SAY YOU WANT INFORMATION, AND
SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND

SAY YOU WANT INFORMATION, AND
SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND
WE'LL SEND YOU, ABSOLUTELY FREE,

SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND
WE'LL SEND YOU, ABSOLUTELY FREE,
THIS LITTLE KEYCHAIN.

WE'LL SEND YOU, ABSOLUTELY FREE,
THIS LITTLE KEYCHAIN.
IT'S A LITTLE SHRIMP, YOU KNOW?

THIS LITTLE KEYCHAIN.
IT'S A LITTLE SHRIMP, YOU KNOW?
IT KIND OF REPRESENTS, LIKE, A

IT'S A LITTLE SHRIMP, YOU KNOW?
IT KIND OF REPRESENTS, LIKE, A
NOSTALGIA FOR THE OLD DAYS, YOU

IT KIND OF REPRESENTS, LIKE, A
NOSTALGIA FOR THE OLD DAYS, YOU
KNOW?

NOSTALGIA FOR THE OLD DAYS, YOU
KNOW?
TGIF.

KNOW?
TGIF.
ANYWAY, THIS IS THE FREE.

TGIF.
ANYWAY, THIS IS THE FREE.
FREE OF CHARGE, ABSOLUTELY.

ANYWAY, THIS IS THE FREE.
FREE OF CHARGE, ABSOLUTELY.
JUST SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU."

FREE OF CHARGE, ABSOLUTELY.
JUST SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU."
REMEMBER, MY FRIENDS, GET THAT

JUST SAY, "SARDUCCI SENT YOU."
REMEMBER, MY FRIENDS, GET THAT
GREAT $25 BILLION FEELING.

REMEMBER, MY FRIENDS, GET THAT
GREAT $25 BILLION FEELING.
THE VATICAN BANK.

GREAT $25 BILLION FEELING.
THE VATICAN BANK.
JUST WRITE "VATICAN, VATICAN

THE VATICAN BANK.
JUST WRITE "VATICAN, VATICAN
CITY, SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND

JUST WRITE "VATICAN, VATICAN
CITY, SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND
YOU GET THE SHRIMP.

CITY, SARDUCCI SENT YOU," AND
YOU GET THE SHRIMP.
THANK YOU.

YOU GET THE SHRIMP.
THANK YOU.
THIS PAST THURSDAY WAS THE

THANK YOU.
THIS PAST THURSDAY WAS THE
GREAT AMERICAN SMOKEOUT... A DAY

THIS PAST THURSDAY WAS THE
GREAT AMERICAN SMOKEOUT... A DAY
THAT EVERYONE IN AMERICA WAS

GREAT AMERICAN SMOKEOUT... A DAY
THAT EVERYONE IN AMERICA WAS
ENCOURAGED TO STOP SMOKING

THAT EVERYONE IN AMERICA WAS
ENCOURAGED TO STOP SMOKING
CIGARETTES FOR A 24-HOUR PERIOD.

ENCOURAGED TO STOP SMOKING
CIGARETTES FOR A 24-HOUR PERIOD.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER IS

CIGARETTES FOR A 24-HOUR PERIOD.
HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER IS
"UPDATE" HEALTH CORRESPONDENT

HERE TO COMMENT FURTHER IS
"UPDATE" HEALTH CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

"UPDATE" HEALTH CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS A LOT, JANE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM

THANKS A LOT.
A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN

A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN
AND SAYS, "DEAR

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES IN
AND SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

AND SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
LAST THURSDAY, I QUIT SMOKING.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
LAST THURSDAY, I QUIT SMOKING.
NOW I'M DEPRESSED, I GAINED

LAST THURSDAY, I QUIT SMOKING.
NOW I'M DEPRESSED, I GAINED
WEIGHT, MY FACE BROKE OUT, I'M

NOW I'M DEPRESSED, I GAINED
WEIGHT, MY FACE BROKE OUT, I'M
NAUSEOUS, I'M CONSTIPATED, MY

WEIGHT, MY FACE BROKE OUT, I'M
NAUSEOUS, I'M CONSTIPATED, MY
FEET SWELLED, MY GUMS ARE

NAUSEOUS, I'M CONSTIPATED, MY
FEET SWELLED, MY GUMS ARE
BLEEDING, MY SINUSES ARE

FEET SWELLED, MY GUMS ARE
BLEEDING, MY SINUSES ARE
CLOGGED, I GOT HEARTBURN, I'M

BLEEDING, MY SINUSES ARE
CLOGGED, I GOT HEARTBURN, I'M
CRANKY, AND I HAVE GAS.

CLOGGED, I GOT HEARTBURN, I'M
CRANKY, AND I HAVE GAS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

CRANKY, AND I HAVE GAS.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
MR. FADER, YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL

WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
MR. FADER, YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL
ATTRACTIVE GUY.

MR. FADER, YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL
ATTRACTIVE GUY.
YOU BELONG IN NEW JERSEY!

ATTRACTIVE GUY.
YOU BELONG IN NEW JERSEY!
BUT...

YOU BELONG IN NEW JERSEY!
BUT...
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE

BUT...
BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE ONCE I,

BUT I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOU'RE
GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE ONCE I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, QUIT

GOING THROUGH 'CAUSE ONCE I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, QUIT
SMOKING.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, QUIT
SMOKING.
AND TO GET BACK IN SHAPE, I HAD

SMOKING.
AND TO GET BACK IN SHAPE, I HAD
TO JOIN ONE OF THOSE

AND TO GET BACK IN SHAPE, I HAD
TO JOIN ONE OF THOSE
FANCY-SCHMANCY HEALTH CLUBS...

TO JOIN ONE OF THOSE
FANCY-SCHMANCY HEALTH CLUBS...
YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE IT'S

FANCY-SCHMANCY HEALTH CLUBS...
YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE IT'S
REAL EXPENSIVE TO JOIN BUT IT'S

YOU KNOW, THE ONES WHERE IT'S
REAL EXPENSIVE TO JOIN BUT IT'S
WORTH IT 'CAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A

REAL EXPENSIVE TO JOIN BUT IT'S
WORTH IT 'CAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A
LOT OF PEOPLE THAT YOU DON'T

WORTH IT 'CAUSE YOU GET TO SEE A
LOT OF PEOPLE THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW NAKED.

LOT OF PEOPLE THAT YOU DON'T
KNOW NAKED.
LIKE SOME PEOPLE GOT THOSE

KNOW NAKED.
LIKE SOME PEOPLE GOT THOSE
BULGY, BULGY THIGHS,

LIKE SOME PEOPLE GOT THOSE
BULGY, BULGY THIGHS,
THE ONES THAT GET CHAFFED JUST

BULGY, BULGY THIGHS,
THE ONES THAT GET CHAFFED JUST
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SCRAPING

THE ONES THAT GET CHAFFED JUST
'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SCRAPING
AGAINST EACH OTHER.

'CAUSE THEY'RE ALWAYS SCRAPING
AGAINST EACH OTHER.
AND THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE THERE

AGAINST EACH OTHER.
AND THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE THERE
THAT GOT THESE FUNNY BELLY

AND THERE'S OTHER PEOPLE THERE
THAT GOT THESE FUNNY BELLY
BUTTONS, LIKE, SOME GO IN AND

THAT GOT THESE FUNNY BELLY
BUTTONS, LIKE, SOME GO IN AND
SOME GO OUT OR IT'S LIKE A HOLE

BUTTONS, LIKE, SOME GO IN AND
SOME GO OUT OR IT'S LIKE A HOLE
OR IT CURLS AROUND OR IT'S LIKE

SOME GO OUT OR IT'S LIKE A HOLE
OR IT CURLS AROUND OR IT'S LIKE
A LITTLE KNOB ON IT LIKE A DOOR.

OR IT CURLS AROUND OR IT'S LIKE
A LITTLE KNOB ON IT LIKE A DOOR.
SOME OF THEM GOT A LITTLE PIECE

A LITTLE KNOB ON IT LIKE A DOOR.
SOME OF THEM GOT A LITTLE PIECE
OF THEIR SWEATER STILL IN IT.

SOME OF THEM GOT A LITTLE PIECE
OF THEIR SWEATER STILL IN IT.
SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE A LITTLE

OF THEIR SWEATER STILL IN IT.
SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE A LITTLE
STAR OR A SHELL OR A CLAM.

SOME OF THEM LOOK LIKE A LITTLE
STAR OR A SHELL OR A CLAM.
OR SOME, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT

STAR OR A SHELL OR A CLAM.
OR SOME, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY ARE.

OR SOME, YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
THEY ARE.
BUT PERSONALLY, I,

THEY ARE.
BUT PERSONALLY, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DON'T

BUT PERSONALLY, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DON'T
LIKE TO WALK AROUND WITH NO

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DON'T
LIKE TO WALK AROUND WITH NO
CLOTHES IN FRONT OF OTHER

LIKE TO WALK AROUND WITH NO
CLOTHES IN FRONT OF OTHER
PEOPLE.

CLOTHES IN FRONT OF OTHER
PEOPLE.
NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE A GREAT

PEOPLE.
NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE A GREAT
BODY, BUT WHY SHOULD I WASTE IT

NOT THAT I DON'T HAVE A GREAT
BODY, BUT WHY SHOULD I WASTE IT
ON A BUNCH OF FAT LADIES IN A

BODY, BUT WHY SHOULD I WASTE IT
ON A BUNCH OF FAT LADIES IN A
HEALTH CLUB?

ON A BUNCH OF FAT LADIES IN A
HEALTH CLUB?
ANYWAY, THEY GOT THIS SAUNA

HEALTH CLUB?
ANYWAY, THEY GOT THIS SAUNA
THERE, WHICH IS A LITTLE HOT

ANYWAY, THEY GOT THIS SAUNA
THERE, WHICH IS A LITTLE HOT
ROOM WHERE YOU GO TO SWEAT LIKE

THERE, WHICH IS A LITTLE HOT
ROOM WHERE YOU GO TO SWEAT LIKE
A PIG.

ROOM WHERE YOU GO TO SWEAT LIKE
A PIG.
SO, I GO IN THERE, BUT BEFORE I

A PIG.
SO, I GO IN THERE, BUT BEFORE I
SIT DOWN, I PUT THIS CLEAN TOWEL

SO, I GO IN THERE, BUT BEFORE I
SIT DOWN, I PUT THIS CLEAN TOWEL
ON THE BENCH, 'CAUSE THERE'S A

SIT DOWN, I PUT THIS CLEAN TOWEL
ON THE BENCH, 'CAUSE THERE'S A
LOT OF PEOPLE IN THERE, AND YOU

ON THE BENCH, 'CAUSE THERE'S A
LOT OF PEOPLE IN THERE, AND YOU
DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.

LOT OF PEOPLE IN THERE, AND YOU
DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.
SO, LISTEN TO THIS.

DON'T KNOW WHERE THEY'VE BEEN.
SO, LISTEN TO THIS.
WHO DO YOU THINK IS SITTING NEXT

SO, LISTEN TO THIS.
WHO DO YOU THINK IS SITTING NEXT
TO ME BUT DR. JOYCE BROTHERS?

WHO DO YOU THINK IS SITTING NEXT
TO ME BUT DR. JOYCE BROTHERS?
THAT VERY SMART PIXIE LADY WHO

TO ME BUT DR. JOYCE BROTHERS?
THAT VERY SMART PIXIE LADY WHO
THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.

THAT VERY SMART PIXIE LADY WHO
THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
BUT WHAT THIS NUDE PSYCHOLOGIST

THINKS SHE KNOWS EVERYTHING.
BUT WHAT THIS NUDE PSYCHOLOGIST
DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT SHE HAD

BUT WHAT THIS NUDE PSYCHOLOGIST
DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT SHE HAD
THIS LITTLE, TEENY, TINY BALL OF

DOESN'T KNOW IS THAT SHE HAD
THIS LITTLE, TEENY, TINY BALL OF
SWEAT RIGHT HERE HANGING OFF THE

THIS LITTLE, TEENY, TINY BALL OF
SWEAT RIGHT HERE HANGING OFF THE
TIP OF HER NOSE.

SWEAT RIGHT HERE HANGING OFF THE
TIP OF HER NOSE.
IT WAS JUST HANGING THERE!

TIP OF HER NOSE.
IT WAS JUST HANGING THERE!
IT WOULDN'T FALL OFF!

IT WAS JUST HANGING THERE!
IT WOULDN'T FALL OFF!
LIKE, IF SHE TURNED HER HEAD, IT

IT WOULDN'T FALL OFF!
LIKE, IF SHE TURNED HER HEAD, IT
DIDN'T FALL OFF.

LIKE, IF SHE TURNED HER HEAD, IT
DIDN'T FALL OFF.
IF SHE STOOD UP, IT DIDN'T FALL

DIDN'T FALL OFF.
IF SHE STOOD UP, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.

IF SHE STOOD UP, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.
IF SHE STRETCHED, IT DIDN'T FALL

OFF.
IF SHE STRETCHED, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.

IF SHE STRETCHED, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.
AND WHEN SHE PICKED THE LITTLE

OFF.
AND WHEN SHE PICKED THE LITTLE
PIECE OF SWEATER OUT OF HER

AND WHEN SHE PICKED THE LITTLE
PIECE OF SWEATER OUT OF HER
BELLY BUTTON, IT DIDN'T FALL

PIECE OF SWEATER OUT OF HER
BELLY BUTTON, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.

BELLY BUTTON, IT DIDN'T FALL
OFF.
THAT LITTLE SWEAT BALL JUST

OFF.
THAT LITTLE SWEAT BALL JUST
WOULDN'T FALL OFF!

THAT LITTLE SWEAT BALL JUST
WOULDN'T FALL OFF!
SO I YELLED AT HER.

WOULDN'T FALL OFF!
SO I YELLED AT HER.
I SAID, "HEY, DOCTOR!

SO I YELLED AT HER.
I SAID, "HEY, DOCTOR!
FLICK THAT SWEAT BALL OFF YOUR

I SAID, "HEY, DOCTOR!
FLICK THAT SWEAT BALL OFF YOUR
NOSE!

FLICK THAT SWEAT BALL OFF YOUR
NOSE!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE

NOSE!
WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE
ME SICK?"

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO DO, MAKE
ME SICK?"
AND SHE... WHAT?

ME SICK?"
AND SHE... WHAT?
WHAT?

AND SHE... WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT DO HEALTH CLUBS, SWEAT,

WHAT?
WHAT DO HEALTH CLUBS, SWEAT,
AND SAUNAS HAVE TO DO WITH

WHAT DO HEALTH CLUBS, SWEAT,
AND SAUNAS HAVE TO DO WITH
CIGARETTES?

AND SAUNAS HAVE TO DO WITH
CIGARETTES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO

CIGARETTES?
WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.

WELL, JANE, IT JUST GOES TO
SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S

SHOW YOU, IT'S ALWAYS SOMETHING.
IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S
ANOTHER.

IF IT'S NOT ONE THING, IT'S
ANOTHER.
EITHER YOU SMOKE OR YOU HAVE A

ANOTHER.
EITHER YOU SMOKE OR YOU HAVE A
SWEAT BALL HANGING OFF YOUR

EITHER YOU SMOKE OR YOU HAVE A
SWEAT BALL HANGING OFF YOUR
NOSE.

SWEAT BALL HANGING OFF YOUR
NOSE.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG WE USED

NOSE.
IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG WE USED
TO SING ON THANKSGIVING WHEN I

IT'S JUST LIKE THE SONG WE USED
TO SING ON THANKSGIVING WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE GIRL.

TO SING ON THANKSGIVING WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE GIRL.
EVERYBODY WOULD COME OVER TO MY

WAS A LITTLE GIRL.
EVERYBODY WOULD COME OVER TO MY
HOUSE LOOKING ALL PRETTY AND

EVERYBODY WOULD COME OVER TO MY
HOUSE LOOKING ALL PRETTY AND
CUTE AND EVERYTHING, AND MY

HOUSE LOOKING ALL PRETTY AND
CUTE AND EVERYTHING, AND MY
MOTHER WOULD MAKE A TURKEY WITH

CUTE AND EVERYTHING, AND MY
MOTHER WOULD MAKE A TURKEY WITH
STUFFING.

MOTHER WOULD MAKE A TURKEY WITH
STUFFING.
AND FOR DESSERT, WE'D HAVE THE

STUFFING.
AND FOR DESSERT, WE'D HAVE THE
TRADITIONAL BANANA ROSANNADANNA

AND FOR DESSERT, WE'D HAVE THE
TRADITIONAL BANANA ROSANNADANNA
CAKE.

TRADITIONAL BANANA ROSANNADANNA
CAKE.
BUT BEFORE WE ATE, WE'D BOW OUR

CAKE.
BUT BEFORE WE ATE, WE'D BOW OUR
HEADS.

BUT BEFORE WE ATE, WE'D BOW OUR
HEADS.
BOW YOUR HEAD, JANE.

HEADS.
BOW YOUR HEAD, JANE.
COME ON, BOW YOUR LITTLE HEAD.

BOW YOUR HEAD, JANE.
COME ON, BOW YOUR LITTLE HEAD.
COME ON.

COME ON, BOW YOUR LITTLE HEAD.
COME ON.
JANE, BOW YOUR HEAD.

COME ON.
JANE, BOW YOUR HEAD.
BOW YOUR HEAD DOWN.

JANE, BOW YOUR HEAD.
BOW YOUR HEAD DOWN.
WE'D BOW OUR HEADS AND WE'D ALL

BOW YOUR HEAD DOWN.
WE'D BOW OUR HEADS AND WE'D ALL
SING.

WE'D BOW OUR HEADS AND WE'D ALL
SING.
♪ WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE

SING.
♪ WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE
LORD'S BLESSING ♪

♪ WE GATHER TOGETHER TO ASK THE
LORD'S BLESSING ♪
♪ PLEASE LOOK DOWN UPON THE

LORD'S BLESSING ♪
♪ PLEASE LOOK DOWN UPON THE
ROSANNADANNA HOUSEHOLD ♪

♪ PLEASE LOOK DOWN UPON THE
ROSANNADANNA HOUSEHOLD ♪
♪ BRING PEACE TO OUR FATHERS,

ROSANNADANNA HOUSEHOLD ♪
♪ BRING PEACE TO OUR FATHERS,
GOOD HEALTH TO OUR MOTHERS ♪

♪ BRING PEACE TO OUR FATHERS,
GOOD HEALTH TO OUR MOTHERS ♪
♪ AND PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SWEAT

GOOD HEALTH TO OUR MOTHERS ♪
♪ AND PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SWEAT
LIKE DR. JOYCE BROTHERS ♪

♪ AND PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME SWEAT
LIKE DR. JOYCE BROTHERS ♪
AMEN!

LIKE DR. JOYCE BROTHERS ♪
AMEN!
THAT'S THE NEWS.

AMEN!
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

ONCE AGAIN,
THE BLUES BROTHERS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE BLUES BROTHERS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪

ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED

♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪
♪ I GOT A CAR THAT I BOUGHT

THE MOST ♪
♪ I GOT A CAR THAT I BOUGHT
WON'T GET ME FAR ♪

♪ I GOT A CAR THAT I BOUGHT
WON'T GET ME FAR ♪
♪ I GOT A WISH ON A STAR ♪

WON'T GET ME FAR ♪
♪ I GOT A WISH ON A STAR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW ME, MAMA ♪

♪ I GOT A WISH ON A STAR ♪
♪ YOU KNOW ME, MAMA ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

♪ YOU KNOW ME, MAMA ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪

ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED

♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪
♪ I GOT FRIENDS WHO LIKE ME

THE MOST ♪
♪ I GOT FRIENDS WHO LIKE ME
'CAUSE I GOT LOTS OF DOUGH ♪

♪ I GOT FRIENDS WHO LIKE ME
'CAUSE I GOT LOTS OF DOUGH ♪
♪ THE PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME

'CAUSE I GOT LOTS OF DOUGH ♪
♪ THE PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME
WHEREVER I GO ♪

♪ THE PEOPLE RECOGNIZE ME
WHEREVER I GO ♪
♪ I DON'T GOT TROUBLE

WHEREVER I GO ♪
♪ I DON'T GOT TROUBLE
GETTIN' HIGH ♪

♪ I DON'T GOT TROUBLE
GETTIN' HIGH ♪
♪ BUT IF I DON'T GET YOU,

GETTIN' HIGH ♪
♪ BUT IF I DON'T GET YOU,
I BELIEVE I WILL DIE ♪

♪ BUT IF I DON'T GET YOU,
I BELIEVE I WILL DIE ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

I BELIEVE I WILL DIE ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪

ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED

♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪
TOM SCOTT!

THE MOST ♪
TOM SCOTT!
[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

[PIANO SOLO]

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,

ALMOST ♪
♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪

♪ I GOT EVERYTHING I NEED,
ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪

ALMOST ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED

♪ BUT I DON'T GOT YOU ♪
♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE THE THING I NEED
THE MOST ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

["B MOVIE BOXCAR BLUES" PLAYS]

♪ I CAUGHT A RIDE INTO
SOUTH DAKOTA ♪
♪ WITH TWO GIRLS IN A LIGHT BLUE

SOUTH DAKOTA ♪
♪ WITH TWO GIRLS IN A LIGHT BLUE
DeSOTO ♪

♪ WITH TWO GIRLS IN A LIGHT BLUE
DeSOTO ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, ONE'S NAME WAS JANE,

DeSOTO ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, ONE'S NAME WAS JANE,
THE OTHER WAS PLAIN ♪

♪ YOU KNOW, ONE'S NAME WAS JANE,
THE OTHER WAS PLAIN ♪
♪ BUT THEY BOTH HAD RACING

THE OTHER WAS PLAIN ♪
♪ BUT THEY BOTH HAD RACING
MOTORS ♪

♪ BUT THEY BOTH HAD RACING
MOTORS ♪
♪ NEXT, I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH

MOTORS ♪
♪ NEXT, I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH
A GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪

♪ NEXT, I CAUGHT A RIDE WITH
A GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪
♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAY-DOWN

A GAMBLER'S WIFE ♪
♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAY-DOWN
RAMBLER ♪

♪ SHE HAD A BRAND-NEW LAY-DOWN
RAMBLER ♪
♪ SHE PARKED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,

RAMBLER ♪
♪ SHE PARKED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,
LAID THE RAMBLER DOWN ♪

♪ SHE PARKED OUTSIDE OF TOWN,
LAID THE RAMBLER DOWN ♪
♪ SHE SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT

LAID THE RAMBLER DOWN ♪
♪ SHE SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT
IF I RODE HER ♪

♪ SHE SAID SHE SURE COULD DIG IT
IF I RODE HER ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK

IF I RODE HER ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,

♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,
GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪

♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,
GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST

GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪

♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪
♪ JUST, JUST FOR YOU ♪

FOR YOU ♪
♪ JUST, JUST FOR YOU ♪
HA!

♪ JUST, JUST FOR YOU ♪
HA!
[HARMONICA SOLO]

♪ I MADE A TRUCK STOP FOR
TOOTHPICK AND WATER ♪
♪ I GOT A RIDE FROM A FRUIT

TOOTHPICK AND WATER ♪
♪ I GOT A RIDE FROM A FRUIT
PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪

♪ I GOT A RIDE FROM A FRUIT
PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ I RODE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,

PICKER'S DAUGHTER ♪
♪ I RODE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,
LET THE FRUIT JUST ROT ♪

♪ I RODE HER THROUGH THE NIGHT,
LET THE FRUIT JUST ROT ♪
♪ SHE SAID ALL I COULD EAT FOR A

LET THE FRUIT JUST ROT ♪
♪ SHE SAID ALL I COULD EAT FOR A
QUARTER ♪

♪ SHE SAID ALL I COULD EAT FOR A
QUARTER ♪
♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A

QUARTER ♪
♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A
HOBO WOMAN ♪

♪ NEXT I HOPPED A TRAIN WITH A
HOBO WOMAN ♪
♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪

HOBO WOMAN ♪
♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪
♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID

♪ SAID SHE WAS FROM TEXAS, TOO ♪
♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID
WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO ME

♪ THE WAY SHE DID WHAT SHE DID
WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO ME
MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪

WHEN SHE DID WHAT SHE DID TO ME
MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF

MADE ME THINK OF YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF
YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, HONEY, MADE ME THINK OF
YOU ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK

YOU ♪
♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪

♪ I'M DOING MY BEST TO GET BACK
TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,

♪ AIN'T NOTHING I'D RATHER DO ♪
♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,
GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪

♪ LOOK FOR ME SUNDAY,
GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST

GONNA BE THERE, HONEY ♪
♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪

♪ WITH SOMETHING SPECIAL JUST
FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, OW, OW, FOR YOU ♪

FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, OW, OW, FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, SOMETHING

♪ YEAH, OW, OW, FOR YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, HONEY, SOMETHING
SPECIAL JUST FOR YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, HONEY, SOMETHING
SPECIAL JUST FOR YOU ♪
[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]

SPECIAL JUST FOR YOU ♪
[RHYTHMIC CLAPPING]
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: HEY, KIDS, IT'S
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE

"THE MR. BILL SHOW."
OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE I'M TAKING OFF

OH, BOY, ARE WE GONNA HAVE
FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE I'M TAKING OFF
FROM WORK TO GO FISHING.

FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE I'M TAKING OFF
FROM WORK TO GO FISHING.
YAY!

FROM WORK TO GO FISHING.
YAY!
DO YOU HEAR THAT,

YAY!
DO YOU HEAR THAT,
SKIPPER MR. HANDS?

DO YOU HEAR THAT,
SKIPPER MR. HANDS?
HEY, MR. BILL.

SKIPPER MR. HANDS?
HEY, MR. BILL.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE START

HEY, MR. BILL.
YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE START
FISHING, WE OUGHT TO PUT OUR

YOU KNOW, BEFORE WE START
FISHING, WE OUGHT TO PUT OUR
FISHERMAN'S HAT ON TO PROTECT US

FISHING, WE OUGHT TO PUT OUR
FISHERMAN'S HAT ON TO PROTECT US
FROM THE SUN.

FISHERMAN'S HAT ON TO PROTECT US
FROM THE SUN.
GEE, THANKS.

FROM THE SUN.
GEE, THANKS.
OH, NO, THE HOOKS!

GEE, THANKS.
OH, NO, THE HOOKS!
NO!

OH, NO, THE HOOKS!
NO!
WHY? WHY? OH!

NO!
WHY? WHY? OH!
AND, SAY, BEFORE WE START

WHY? WHY? OH!
AND, SAY, BEFORE WE START
REELING THEM IN, HOW ABOUT A

AND, SAY, BEFORE WE START
REELING THEM IN, HOW ABOUT A
NICE, COLD BEER?

REELING THEM IN, HOW ABOUT A
NICE, COLD BEER?
BUT YOU KNOW I'M TOO YOUNG TO

NICE, COLD BEER?
BUT YOU KNOW I'M TOO YOUNG TO
DRINK.

BUT YOU KNOW I'M TOO YOUNG TO
DRINK.
NOW WE NEED SOME BAIT.

DRINK.
NOW WE NEED SOME BAIT.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WORMS.

NOW WE NEED SOME BAIT.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WORMS.
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WORMS.
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
YAY!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
YAY!
SPOT, HOW ARE YOU DOING, HUH?

YAY!
SPOT, HOW ARE YOU DOING, HUH?
WAIT. OH, NO. DON'T DO THAT.

SPOT, HOW ARE YOU DOING, HUH?
WAIT. OH, NO. DON'T DO THAT.
NO, WAIT! OHH!

WAIT. OH, NO. DON'T DO THAT.
NO, WAIT! OHH!
NOW LET'S CAST OFF.

NO, WAIT! OHH!
NOW LET'S CAST OFF.
OH, NO, MY HAT!

NOW LET'S CAST OFF.
OH, NO, MY HAT!
NO! MY HAIR! OHHHH!

OH, NO, MY HAT!
NO! MY HAIR! OHHHH!
OH, SAY, WHAT A CATCH.

NO! MY HAIR! OHHHH!
OH, SAY, WHAT A CATCH.
IT'S DEEP-SEA DIVER

OH, SAY, WHAT A CATCH.
IT'S DEEP-SEA DIVER
JACQUES SLUGGO.

IT'S DEEP-SEA DIVER
JACQUES SLUGGO.
OH, NO.

JACQUES SLUGGO.
OH, NO.
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME.

OH, NO.
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME.
NO.

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME.
NO.
HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW YOU HIS

NO.
HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW YOU HIS
NEW HARPOON.

HE JUST WANTS TO SHOW YOU HIS
NEW HARPOON.
NO, WAIT! OHH!

NEW HARPOON.
NO, WAIT! OHH!
I'LL TRY MY LUCK, AND MAYBE

NO, WAIT! OHH!
I'LL TRY MY LUCK, AND MAYBE
I'LL CATCH A WHALE.

I'LL TRY MY LUCK, AND MAYBE
I'LL CATCH A WHALE.
NO, I DON'T LIKE FISHING.

I'LL CATCH A WHALE.
NO, I DON'T LIKE FISHING.
SAY, I THINK I'VE GOT A

NO, I DON'T LIKE FISHING.
SAY, I THINK I'VE GOT A
NIBBLE.

SAY, I THINK I'VE GOT A
NIBBLE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU REEL HER IN FOR

NIBBLE.
SO WHY DON'T YOU REEL HER IN FOR
ME WHILE I TELL THE KIDS...

SO WHY DON'T YOU REEL HER IN FOR
ME WHILE I TELL THE KIDS...
SO LONG!

ME WHILE I TELL THE KIDS...
SO LONG!
SEE YOU NEXT TIME, WHEN MR. BILL

SO LONG!
SEE YOU NEXT TIME, WHEN MR. BILL
GOES TO COURT.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME, WHEN MR. BILL
GOES TO COURT.
BYE-BYE.

[MID-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

HELLO, EVERYBODY.
WELCOME TO THE "TOMORROW" SHOW.

YOU KNOW, I'D LIKE TO SHARE A
BIT OF INFORMATION WITH
EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO WILL BE

BIT OF INFORMATION WITH
EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO WILL BE
CELEBRATING THE THANKSGIVING

EVERYBODY OUT THERE WHO WILL BE
CELEBRATING THE THANKSGIVING
HOLIDAY IN A TRADITIONAL MANNER

CELEBRATING THE THANKSGIVING
HOLIDAY IN A TRADITIONAL MANNER
WITH TURKEY AND ALL THE

HOLIDAY IN A TRADITIONAL MANNER
WITH TURKEY AND ALL THE
TRIMMINGS.

WITH TURKEY AND ALL THE
TRIMMINGS.
HECK, YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A

TRIMMINGS.
HECK, YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A
WHOLE SET OF FORKS AND KNIVES,

HECK, YOU KNOW, I USED TO HAVE A
WHOLE SET OF FORKS AND KNIVES,
YOU KNOW?

WHOLE SET OF FORKS AND KNIVES,
YOU KNOW?
I HAD A FORK WITH A DOUBLE

YOU KNOW?
I HAD A FORK WITH A DOUBLE
SAFETY HANDLE ON IT AND

I HAD A FORK WITH A DOUBLE
SAFETY HANDLE ON IT AND
SHARPENER... THE WHOLE KIT AND

SAFETY HANDLE ON IT AND
SHARPENER... THE WHOLE KIT AND
CABOODLE FOR CARVING UP TURKEY

SHARPENER... THE WHOLE KIT AND
CABOODLE FOR CARVING UP TURKEY
OR STEAK OR WHAT HAVE YOU.

CABOODLE FOR CARVING UP TURKEY
OR STEAK OR WHAT HAVE YOU.
WELL, THE OTHER DAY I WAS

OR STEAK OR WHAT HAVE YOU.
WELL, THE OTHER DAY I WAS
SHARPENING ONE OF THESE KNIVES,

WELL, THE OTHER DAY I WAS
SHARPENING ONE OF THESE KNIVES,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I

SHARPENING ONE OF THESE KNIVES,
AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I
STARTED DOING THE 'TOMORROW'

AND I THOUGHT TO MYSELF, "I
STARTED DOING THE 'TOMORROW'
SHOW IN JANUARY 1974.

STARTED DOING THE 'TOMORROW'
SHOW IN JANUARY 1974.
BY GOSH, WE'VE DONE OVER 500 OF

SHOW IN JANUARY 1974.
BY GOSH, WE'VE DONE OVER 500 OF
THE DAMN THINGS.

BY GOSH, WE'VE DONE OVER 500 OF
THE DAMN THINGS.
WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR.

THE DAMN THINGS.
WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR.
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND

WE'RE STILL ON THE AIR.
I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND
SHARPEN THESE KNIVES."

I DON'T HAVE TO SIT HERE AND
SHARPEN THESE KNIVES."
SO I JUMPED IN THE CAR, WENT

SHARPEN THESE KNIVES."
SO I JUMPED IN THE CAR, WENT
OVER TO SEARS, PLUNKED DOWN

SO I JUMPED IN THE CAR, WENT
OVER TO SEARS, PLUNKED DOWN
$19.95, AND I GOT MYSELF AN

OVER TO SEARS, PLUNKED DOWN
$19.95, AND I GOT MYSELF AN
ELECTRIC STEAK KNIFE.

$19.95, AND I GOT MYSELF AN
ELECTRIC STEAK KNIFE.
AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TIP...

ELECTRIC STEAK KNIFE.
AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TIP...
IT IS GREAT.

AND I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A TIP...
IT IS GREAT.
AND, BY GOLLY, I'M GONNA USE

IT IS GREAT.
AND, BY GOLLY, I'M GONNA USE
MINE THIS THANKSGIVING.

AND, BY GOLLY, I'M GONNA USE
MINE THIS THANKSGIVING.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A YOUNG LADY

MINE THIS THANKSGIVING.
MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A YOUNG LADY
WHO WILL BE FAMILIAR TO ANYBODY

MY GUEST TONIGHT IS A YOUNG LADY
WHO WILL BE FAMILIAR TO ANYBODY
WHO'S SEEN THE MOTION PICTURE

WHO WILL BE FAMILIAR TO ANYBODY
WHO'S SEEN THE MOTION PICTURE
"AIRPORT 1977,"

WHO'S SEEN THE MOTION PICTURE
"AIRPORT 1977,"
MISS LINDA BLAIR.

"AIRPORT 1977,"
MISS LINDA BLAIR.
[GIGGLES] HI, TOM.

MISS LINDA BLAIR.
[GIGGLES] HI, TOM.
LINDA, YOU COULD SAY YOU'RE A

[GIGGLES] HI, TOM.
LINDA, YOU COULD SAY YOU'RE A
GAL WHO'S BEEN THROUGH THE MILL

LINDA, YOU COULD SAY YOU'RE A
GAL WHO'S BEEN THROUGH THE MILL
AT THE AGE OF 19.

GAL WHO'S BEEN THROUGH THE MILL
AT THE AGE OF 19.
YOU'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A

AT THE AGE OF 19.
YOU'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A
FEW TIMES.

YOU'VE BEEN AROUND THE BLOCK A
FEW TIMES.
[GIGGLES]

FEW TIMES.
[GIGGLES]
YOU DID A PICTURE CALLED

[GIGGLES]
YOU DID A PICTURE CALLED
"THE EXORCIST."

YOU DID A PICTURE CALLED
"THE EXORCIST."
NOW, THERE YOU ARE, A GAL OF 13.

"THE EXORCIST."
NOW, THERE YOU ARE, A GAL OF 13.
YOU'RE STRAPPED TO A BED.

NOW, THERE YOU ARE, A GAL OF 13.
YOU'RE STRAPPED TO A BED.
YOU'RE USING LANGUAGE THAT'S, TO

YOU'RE STRAPPED TO A BED.
YOU'RE USING LANGUAGE THAT'S, TO
SAY THE LEAST, A BIT RAW.

YOU'RE USING LANGUAGE THAT'S, TO
SAY THE LEAST, A BIT RAW.
YOU SPEND A YEAR OF YOUR LIFE

SAY THE LEAST, A BIT RAW.
YOU SPEND A YEAR OF YOUR LIFE
PORTRAYING THE VERY EMBODIMENT

YOU SPEND A YEAR OF YOUR LIFE
PORTRAYING THE VERY EMBODIMENT
OF EVIL, SATAN INCARNATE,

PORTRAYING THE VERY EMBODIMENT
OF EVIL, SATAN INCARNATE,
THE ANTICHRIST.

OF EVIL, SATAN INCARNATE,
THE ANTICHRIST.
HOW THE HECK DID YOU KEEP UP

THE ANTICHRIST.
HOW THE HECK DID YOU KEEP UP
WITH YOUR SCHOOLWORK?

HOW THE HECK DID YOU KEEP UP
WITH YOUR SCHOOLWORK?
WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I

WITH YOUR SCHOOLWORK?
WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I
DIDN'T.

WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I
DIDN'T.
AND I'M SUFFERING FOR IT NOW,

DIDN'T.
AND I'M SUFFERING FOR IT NOW,
YOU KNOW?

AND I'M SUFFERING FOR IT NOW,
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF I

YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF I
DON'T KNOW.

I MEAN, THERE'S A LOT OF STUFF I
DON'T KNOW.
I CAN BARELY READ ENGLISH.

DON'T KNOW.
I CAN BARELY READ ENGLISH.
[GIGGLES]

I CAN BARELY READ ENGLISH.
[GIGGLES]
AND I CAN NAME, LIKE, ONLY THREE

[GIGGLES]
AND I CAN NAME, LIKE, ONLY THREE
STATES.

AND I CAN NAME, LIKE, ONLY THREE
STATES.
AND, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, WHEN

STATES.
AND, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, WHEN
I'M IN AN AIRPORT OR SOMETHING

AND, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES, WHEN
I'M IN AN AIRPORT OR SOMETHING
AND I PICK UP A MAGAZINE AND I

I'M IN AN AIRPORT OR SOMETHING
AND I PICK UP A MAGAZINE AND I
SEE MY PICTURE IN IT, I REALLY

AND I PICK UP A MAGAZINE AND I
SEE MY PICTURE IN IT, I REALLY
MISS BEING ABLE TO READ WHAT

SEE MY PICTURE IN IT, I REALLY
MISS BEING ABLE TO READ WHAT
THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT ME.

MISS BEING ABLE TO READ WHAT
THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT ME.
YOU SAY YOU CAN'T READ?

THEY'RE SAYING ABOUT ME.
YOU SAY YOU CAN'T READ?
WELL, BY GOLLY, THAT IS

YOU SAY YOU CAN'T READ?
WELL, BY GOLLY, THAT IS
INTERESTING.

WELL, BY GOLLY, THAT IS
INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN

INTERESTING.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN
BROADCASTING FOR YEARS, AND I

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN IN
BROADCASTING FOR YEARS, AND I
STILL CAN'T LAUGH WITHOUT

BROADCASTING FOR YEARS, AND I
STILL CAN'T LAUGH WITHOUT
FRIGHTENING CHILDREN.

STILL CAN'T LAUGH WITHOUT
FRIGHTENING CHILDREN.
[BOTH LAUGH]

FRIGHTENING CHILDREN.
[BOTH LAUGH]
I SEE BOBBY BROWN, MY STAGE

[BOTH LAUGH]
I SEE BOBBY BROWN, MY STAGE
MANAGER, KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING

I SEE BOBBY BROWN, MY STAGE
MANAGER, KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT BECAUSE HE'S GOT A KID

MANAGER, KNOWS WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT BECAUSE HE'S GOT A KID
ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD, AND HE

ABOUT BECAUSE HE'S GOT A KID
ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD, AND HE
BROUGHT HIM TO THE STUDIO ONE

ABOUT 2 YEARS OLD, AND HE
BROUGHT HIM TO THE STUDIO ONE
DAY.

BROUGHT HIM TO THE STUDIO ONE
DAY.
BOBBY GOT ME LAUGHING ABOUT

DAY.
BOBBY GOT ME LAUGHING ABOUT
SOMETHING.

BOBBY GOT ME LAUGHING ABOUT
SOMETHING.
I LAUGHED, AND I SCARED THE

SOMETHING.
I LAUGHED, AND I SCARED THE
LIVING BEGEEZ OUT OF THE

I LAUGHED, AND I SCARED THE
LIVING BEGEEZ OUT OF THE
LITTLE GUY.

LIVING BEGEEZ OUT OF THE
LITTLE GUY.
HE CARRIED ON SO MUCH, CRYING

LITTLE GUY.
HE CARRIED ON SO MUCH, CRYING
AND SO FORTH, THEY FINALLY HAD

HE CARRIED ON SO MUCH, CRYING
AND SO FORTH, THEY FINALLY HAD
TO SEDATE HIM.

AND SO FORTH, THEY FINALLY HAD
TO SEDATE HIM.
[BOTH LAUGH]

TO SEDATE HIM.
[BOTH LAUGH]
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ONLY

[BOTH LAUGH]
WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ONLY
KIDS, TOM.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT ONLY
KIDS, TOM.
THERE ARE A LOT OF ADULTS, TOO.

KIDS, TOM.
THERE ARE A LOT OF ADULTS, TOO.
[GIGGLES]

THERE ARE A LOT OF ADULTS, TOO.
[GIGGLES]
REALLY?

[GIGGLES]
REALLY?
I FRIGHTEN SOME ADULTS.

REALLY?
I FRIGHTEN SOME ADULTS.
WELL, BY GOLLY, I DIDN'T KNOW

I FRIGHTEN SOME ADULTS.
WELL, BY GOLLY, I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT.

WELL, BY GOLLY, I DIDN'T KNOW
THAT.
NOSE CANDY, BLOW,

THAT.
NOSE CANDY, BLOW,
DEVIL'S DANDRUFF, SNOW, SCAG,

NOSE CANDY, BLOW,
DEVIL'S DANDRUFF, SNOW, SCAG,
FLAKE, BOO, DUST, HORSE, SMACK,

DEVIL'S DANDRUFF, SNOW, SCAG,
FLAKE, BOO, DUST, HORSE, SMACK,
HOOCH, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT,

FLAKE, BOO, DUST, HORSE, SMACK,
HOOCH, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT,
COCAINE IS A CONTROLLED

HOOCH, OR WHATEVER YOU CALL IT,
COCAINE IS A CONTROLLED
SUBSTANCE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND,

COCAINE IS A CONTROLLED
SUBSTANCE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND,
YOUNG LADY, YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH

SUBSTANCE IN THIS COUNTRY, AND,
YOUNG LADY, YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH
SOME.

YOUNG LADY, YOU WERE CAUGHT WITH
SOME.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

SOME.
WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, TOM, I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?
OH, TOM, I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE
THIS CHANCE TO BRING THIS WHOLE

OH, TOM, I'M SO GLAD TO HAVE
THIS CHANCE TO BRING THIS WHOLE
THING IN THE OPEN, YOU KNOW?

THIS CHANCE TO BRING THIS WHOLE
THING IN THE OPEN, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, TOM, THE STUFF IN THAT

THING IN THE OPEN, YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, TOM, THE STUFF IN THAT
BAR WAS THE WORST EXCUSE FOR

I MEAN, TOM, THE STUFF IN THAT
BAR WAS THE WORST EXCUSE FOR
COCAINE I'VE EVER SEEN.

BAR WAS THE WORST EXCUSE FOR
COCAINE I'VE EVER SEEN.
I MEAN, SOMEBODY MUST'VE STEPPED

COCAINE I'VE EVER SEEN.
I MEAN, SOMEBODY MUST'VE STEPPED
ALL OVER IT, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, SOMEBODY MUST'VE STEPPED
ALL OVER IT, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS CUT LIKE 20 TIMES WITH

ALL OVER IT, YOU KNOW?
IT WAS CUT LIKE 20 TIMES WITH
LOW-GRADE MILK SUGAR.

IT WAS CUT LIKE 20 TIMES WITH
LOW-GRADE MILK SUGAR.
WELL, DAMN IT.

LOW-GRADE MILK SUGAR.
WELL, DAMN IT.
IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES, I'D

WELL, DAMN IT.
IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES, I'D
HAVE GONE BACK TO THE DEALER OR

IF I WERE IN YOUR SHOES, I'D
HAVE GONE BACK TO THE DEALER OR
THE PUSHER OR THE FENCE...

HAVE GONE BACK TO THE DEALER OR
THE PUSHER OR THE FENCE...
WHOEVER SOLD IT TO YOU...

THE PUSHER OR THE FENCE...
WHOEVER SOLD IT TO YOU...
AND I'D HAVE SAID, "NOW, DAMN

WHOEVER SOLD IT TO YOU...
AND I'D HAVE SAID, "NOW, DAMN
IT, I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS

AND I'D HAVE SAID, "NOW, DAMN
IT, I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS
COCAINE.

IT, I PAID GOOD MONEY FOR THIS
COCAINE.
HERE I GET IT HOME AND FIND IT'S

COCAINE.
HERE I GET IT HOME AND FIND IT'S
OF INFERIOR QUALITY.

HERE I GET IT HOME AND FIND IT'S
OF INFERIOR QUALITY.
AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."

OF INFERIOR QUALITY.
AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
AND IF THE GUY REFUSED ME A

AND I WANT MY MONEY BACK."
AND IF THE GUY REFUSED ME A
REFUND, I WOULD'VE SAID, "FINE,

AND IF THE GUY REFUSED ME A
REFUND, I WOULD'VE SAID, "FINE,
SIR.

REFUND, I WOULD'VE SAID, "FINE,
SIR.
I'LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS

SIR.
I'LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS
ELSEWHERE."

I'LL JUST TAKE MY BUSINESS
ELSEWHERE."
[GIGGLES]

ELSEWHERE."
[GIGGLES]
WELL, YOU SEE, IN THIS CASE, I

[GIGGLES]
WELL, YOU SEE, IN THIS CASE, I
REALLY COULDN'T DO THAT, YOU

WELL, YOU SEE, IN THIS CASE, I
REALLY COULDN'T DO THAT, YOU
SEE?

REALLY COULDN'T DO THAT, YOU
SEE?
IT WAS A GIFT, YOU KNOW?

SEE?
IT WAS A GIFT, YOU KNOW?
FAIR ENOUGH.

IT WAS A GIFT, YOU KNOW?
FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL BUY THAT.

FAIR ENOUGH.
I'LL BUY THAT.
NOW, LINDA, YOU'RE A GAL WHO

I'LL BUY THAT.
NOW, LINDA, YOU'RE A GAL WHO
HASN'T EXACTLY HAD TYPICAL

NOW, LINDA, YOU'RE A GAL WHO
HASN'T EXACTLY HAD TYPICAL
ADOLESCENCE.

HASN'T EXACTLY HAD TYPICAL
ADOLESCENCE.
AT 13 YOU PLAYED THE DEVIL,

ADOLESCENCE.
AT 13 YOU PLAYED THE DEVIL,
WHERE YOU SPEWED GREEN VOMIT,

AT 13 YOU PLAYED THE DEVIL,
WHERE YOU SPEWED GREEN VOMIT,
WET ON THE RUG.

WHERE YOU SPEWED GREEN VOMIT,
WET ON THE RUG.
[GIGGLES]

WET ON THE RUG.
[GIGGLES]
YOU PLAYED A TEENAGE

[GIGGLES]
YOU PLAYED A TEENAGE
ALCOHOLIC.

YOU PLAYED A TEENAGE
ALCOHOLIC.
AND IN THE TV MOVIE

ALCOHOLIC.
AND IN THE TV MOVIE
"BORN INNOCENT," YOU WERE AN

AND IN THE TV MOVIE
"BORN INNOCENT," YOU WERE AN
INMATE IN A WOMEN'S REFORM

"BORN INNOCENT," YOU WERE AN
INMATE IN A WOMEN'S REFORM
SCHOOL, WHERE YOU GOT POKED WITH

INMATE IN A WOMEN'S REFORM
SCHOOL, WHERE YOU GOT POKED WITH
A BROOM HANDLE.

SCHOOL, WHERE YOU GOT POKED WITH
A BROOM HANDLE.
YOU'VE HAD A SPOTTY EDUCATION AT

A BROOM HANDLE.
YOU'VE HAD A SPOTTY EDUCATION AT
BEST.

YOU'VE HAD A SPOTTY EDUCATION AT
BEST.
YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED FOR COKE ALL

BEST.
YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED FOR COKE ALL
BEFORE AGE 20.

YOU'VE BEEN BUSTED FOR COKE ALL
BEFORE AGE 20.
MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, WHAT NEXT

BEFORE AGE 20.
MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, WHAT NEXT
FOR LINDA BLAIR?

MY QUESTION TO YOU IS, WHAT NEXT
FOR LINDA BLAIR?
OH, WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I'M

FOR LINDA BLAIR?
OH, WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I'M
STILL REAL YOUNG, AND, WELL,

OH, WELL, TOM, YOU KNOW, I'M
STILL REAL YOUNG, AND, WELL,
I'VE GOT LOTS TO LOOK FORWARD

STILL REAL YOUNG, AND, WELL,
I'VE GOT LOTS TO LOOK FORWARD
TO, YOU KNOW?

I'VE GOT LOTS TO LOOK FORWARD
TO, YOU KNOW?
UNHAPPY MARRIAGES, HOUSEHOLD

TO, YOU KNOW?
UNHAPPY MARRIAGES, HOUSEHOLD
ACCIDENTS, AND MAYBE EVEN A

UNHAPPY MARRIAGES, HOUSEHOLD
ACCIDENTS, AND MAYBE EVEN A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.

ACCIDENTS, AND MAYBE EVEN A
NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY ENTITLED TO

NERVOUS BREAKDOWN.
YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY ENTITLED TO
ONE.

YOU KNOW, I'M REALLY ENTITLED TO
ONE.
WELL, THANK YOU, LINDA.

ONE.
WELL, THANK YOU, LINDA.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING WITH ACTRESS

WELL, THANK YOU, LINDA.
WE'VE BEEN TALKING WITH ACTRESS
LINDA BLAIR.

WE'VE BEEN TALKING WITH ACTRESS
LINDA BLAIR.
I WANT YOU TO JOIN US NEXT TIME

LINDA BLAIR.
I WANT YOU TO JOIN US NEXT TIME
ON "TOMORROW" WHEN WE'LL BE

I WANT YOU TO JOIN US NEXT TIME
ON "TOMORROW" WHEN WE'LL BE
SPEAKING WITH A GROUP OF

ON "TOMORROW" WHEN WE'LL BE
SPEAKING WITH A GROUP OF
WITCHES FROM STEEL TOWN.

SPEAKING WITH A GROUP OF
WITCHES FROM STEEL TOWN.
THAT'S RIGHT.

WITCHES FROM STEEL TOWN.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WHITE WITCHES FROM PITTSBURGH,

THAT'S RIGHT.
WHITE WITCHES FROM PITTSBURGH,
PENNSYLVANIA.

WHITE WITCHES FROM PITTSBURGH,
PENNSYLVANIA.
THEY'RE STEELERS FANS,

PENNSYLVANIA.
THEY'RE STEELERS FANS,
MEMBERS OF THE MOLDERS AND IRON

THEY'RE STEELERS FANS,
MEMBERS OF THE MOLDERS AND IRON
WORKERS UNION, AND WHITE

MEMBERS OF THE MOLDERS AND IRON
WORKERS UNION, AND WHITE
WITCHES.

WORKERS UNION, AND WHITE
WITCHES.
[Deep voice] HEY, TOM, YOU

WITCHES.
[Deep voice] HEY, TOM, YOU
WANT SOME BLOW?

[Deep voice] HEY, TOM, YOU
WANT SOME BLOW?
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

WANT SOME BLOW?
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
[MID-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

♪ DO, DO, DO ♪

♪ THERE'S A PORT ON A

WESTERN BAY ♪

♪ AND IT SERVES A HUNDRED SHIPS

A DAY ♪

♪ LONELY SAILORS PASS THE TIME

AWAY ♪

♪ AND TALK ABOUT THEIR HOMES ♪

SO... SO...
SO I'M WALKING DOWN THE DECK.
I-I'M JUST WAKING UP.

SO I'M WALKING DOWN THE DECK.
I-I'M JUST WAKING UP.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

I-I'M JUST WAKING UP.
IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
I GO... I GOT A CUP OF COFFEE IN

IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.
I GO... I GOT A CUP OF COFFEE IN
ONE HAND.

I GO... I GOT A CUP OF COFFEE IN
ONE HAND.
I LOOK UP.

ONE HAND.
I LOOK UP.
AND WHAT DO I SEE?

I LOOK UP.
AND WHAT DO I SEE?
AN ICEBERG!

AND WHAT DO I SEE?
AN ICEBERG!
SO I DROPS THE COFFEE.

AN ICEBERG!
SO I DROPS THE COFFEE.
HEY, EDDIE?

SO I DROPS THE COFFEE.
HEY, EDDIE?
HMM?

HEY, EDDIE?
HMM?
UH, YOU SURE DRINK FAST, DON'T

HMM?
UH, YOU SURE DRINK FAST, DON'T
YOU?

UH, YOU SURE DRINK FAST, DON'T
YOU?
YOU BUY ME ANOTHER DRINK,

YOU?
YOU BUY ME ANOTHER DRINK,
EDDIE?

YOU BUY ME ANOTHER DRINK,
EDDIE?
SURE, SURE, SURE.

EDDIE?
SURE, SURE, SURE.
LOUIS.

SURE, SURE, SURE.
LOUIS.
UH, YOU BUY ONE FOR ME, TOO,

LOUIS.
UH, YOU BUY ONE FOR ME, TOO,
EDDIE?

UH, YOU BUY ONE FOR ME, TOO,
EDDIE?
YEAH, YEAH. SURE, SURE.

EDDIE?
YEAH, YEAH. SURE, SURE.
SO... SO I DROPPED THE COFFEE,

YEAH, YEAH. SURE, SURE.
SO... SO I DROPPED THE COFFEE,
AND I LEAPED FOR THE RAIL.

SO... SO I DROPPED THE COFFEE,
AND I LEAPED FOR THE RAIL.
AND, UH... AND THEN I LOOK OUT.

AND I LEAPED FOR THE RAIL.
AND, UH... AND THEN I LOOK OUT.
THAT WILL BE 100 FRANCS OR

AND, UH... AND THEN I LOOK OUT.
THAT WILL BE 100 FRANCS OR
$35 AMERICAN DOLLARS.

THAT WILL BE 100 FRANCS OR
$35 AMERICAN DOLLARS.
HERE. HELP YOURSELF.

$35 AMERICAN DOLLARS.
HERE. HELP YOURSELF.
MERCI.

HERE. HELP YOURSELF.
MERCI.
I'M HOLDING ONTO THE RAIL

MERCI.
I'M HOLDING ONTO THE RAIL
JUST WAITING FOR US TO HIT.

I'M HOLDING ONTO THE RAIL
JUST WAITING FOR US TO HIT.
EDDIE, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY

JUST WAITING FOR US TO HIT.
EDDIE, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY
FOR THE JUKEBOX?

EDDIE, CAN I HAVE SOME MONEY
FOR THE JUKEBOX?
UH, YEAH, SURE. HERE.

FOR THE JUKEBOX?
UH, YEAH, SURE. HERE.
I'LL TAKE THIS.

UH, YEAH, SURE. HERE.
I'LL TAKE THIS.
YEAH. TAKE IT.

I'LL TAKE THIS.
YEAH. TAKE IT.
SO I'M WAITING.

YEAH. TAKE IT.
SO I'M WAITING.
AND I'M WAITING.

SO I'M WAITING.
AND I'M WAITING.
AND FINALLY, I OPEN MY EYES AND

AND I'M WAITING.
AND FINALLY, I OPEN MY EYES AND
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SEE? HUH?

AND FINALLY, I OPEN MY EYES AND
WHAT DO YOU THINK I SEE? HUH?
THE PIER!

WHAT DO YOU THINK I SEE? HUH?
THE PIER!
[LAUGHS]

THE PIER!
[LAUGHS]
I FORGOT.

[LAUGHS]
I FORGOT.
WE WERE STILL IN PORT.

I FORGOT.
WE WERE STILL IN PORT.
I WAS THINKING WE WERE AT SEA.

WE WERE STILL IN PORT.
I WAS THINKING WE WERE AT SEA.
HEY.

HELLO.
MY NAME IS CANDY.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?

MY NAME IS CANDY.
WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
JIM.

WHAT IS YOUR NAME?
JIM.
OH, JIM.

JIM.
OH, JIM.
DO YOU WANT TO BUY ME A DRINK?

OH, JIM.
DO YOU WANT TO BUY ME A DRINK?
WHY?

DO YOU WANT TO BUY ME A DRINK?
WHY?
BECAUSE I LIKE YOU AND

WHY?
BECAUSE I LIKE YOU AND
BECAUSE I'M SO THIRSTY.

BECAUSE I LIKE YOU AND
BECAUSE I'M SO THIRSTY.
GIVE ME A BEER, AND GIVE THIS

BECAUSE I'M SO THIRSTY.
GIVE ME A BEER, AND GIVE THIS
THIRSTY PERSON A GLASS OF WATER.

GIVE ME A BEER, AND GIVE THIS
THIRSTY PERSON A GLASS OF WATER.
CANDY ONLY DRINKS CHAMPAGNE.

THIRSTY PERSON A GLASS OF WATER.
CANDY ONLY DRINKS CHAMPAGNE.
THAT'S TRUE, JIM.

CANDY ONLY DRINKS CHAMPAGNE.
THAT'S TRUE, JIM.
I ONLY DRINK CHAMPAGNE.

THAT'S TRUE, JIM.
I ONLY DRINK CHAMPAGNE.
I LOVE CHAMPAGNE.

I ONLY DRINK CHAMPAGNE.
I LOVE CHAMPAGNE.
WELL, FORGET IT.

I LOVE CHAMPAGNE.
WELL, FORGET IT.
I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY, HONEY.

WELL, FORGET IT.
I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY, HONEY.
JUST GIVE ME A BEER.

I WASN'T BORN YESTERDAY, HONEY.
JUST GIVE ME A BEER.
UGH!

DO YOU MIND IF I SIT DOWN?
SIT DOWN IF YOU WANT, BUT I
WON'T BE BUYING YOU ANY

SIT DOWN IF YOU WANT, BUT I
WON'T BE BUYING YOU ANY
CHAMPAGNE.

WON'T BE BUYING YOU ANY
CHAMPAGNE.
NO CHAMPAGNE.

CHAMPAGNE.
NO CHAMPAGNE.
I... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO

NO CHAMPAGNE.
I... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO
SIT BY YOU.

I... I JUST WANT TO BE ABLE TO
SIT BY YOU.
WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH NICE

SIT BY YOU.
WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH NICE
POSTURE?

WHERE DID YOU GET SUCH NICE
POSTURE?
AND THOSE EYES?

POSTURE?
AND THOSE EYES?
[CHUCKLES]

AND THOSE EYES?
[CHUCKLES]
COME ON.

[CHUCKLES]
COME ON.
DON'T PULL THAT ON ME.

COME ON.
DON'T PULL THAT ON ME.
YOU JUST WANT ME TO BUY YOU

DON'T PULL THAT ON ME.
YOU JUST WANT ME TO BUY YOU
CHAMPAGNE.

YOU JUST WANT ME TO BUY YOU
CHAMPAGNE.
AND WHEN MY MONEY'S GONE, YOU

CHAMPAGNE.
AND WHEN MY MONEY'S GONE, YOU
WILL BE, TOO.

AND WHEN MY MONEY'S GONE, YOU
WILL BE, TOO.
I'VE BEEN IN THESE KIND OF

WILL BE, TOO.
I'VE BEEN IN THESE KIND OF
PLACES BEFORE.

I'VE BEEN IN THESE KIND OF
PLACES BEFORE.
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

PLACES BEFORE.
OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
ARE YOU BUYING BRANDY A DRINK OR

OKAY, WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?
ARE YOU BUYING BRANDY A DRINK OR
NOT?

ARE YOU BUYING BRANDY A DRINK OR
NOT?
NO.

NOT?
NO.
THE ANSWER IS NO.

NO.
THE ANSWER IS NO.
WELL, THEN SHE CAN'T STAY

THE ANSWER IS NO.
WELL, THEN SHE CAN'T STAY
WITH YOU.

WELL, THEN SHE CAN'T STAY
WITH YOU.
COME ON.

WITH YOU.
COME ON.
YES, I CAN.

COME ON.
YES, I CAN.
I CAN BUY MY OWN DRINK.

YES, I CAN.
I CAN BUY MY OWN DRINK.
[SCOFFS]

I CAN BUY MY OWN DRINK.
[SCOFFS]
I LIKE HIM.

[SCOFFS]
I LIKE HIM.
SOUNDS STUPID, BUT I HOPE

I LIKE HIM.
SOUNDS STUPID, BUT I HOPE
I DIDN'T GET YOU IN TROUBLE.

SOUNDS STUPID, BUT I HOPE
I DIDN'T GET YOU IN TROUBLE.
I DON'T CARE.

I DIDN'T GET YOU IN TROUBLE.
I DON'T CARE.
I LIKE YOU.

I DON'T CARE.
I LIKE YOU.
[CHUCKLES]

I LIKE YOU.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I'M SORRY IF I WAS RUDE,

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I'M SORRY IF I WAS RUDE,
BUT THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A

WELL, I'M SORRY IF I WAS RUDE,
BUT THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A
PLACE LIKE THIS, I SPENT $80.

BUT THE LAST TIME I WAS IN A
PLACE LIKE THIS, I SPENT $80.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET DRUNK.

PLACE LIKE THIS, I SPENT $80.
AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET DRUNK.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD SAVE

AND I DIDN'T EVEN GET DRUNK.
OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD SAVE
YOUR MONEY.

OH, WELL, YOU SHOULD SAVE
YOUR MONEY.
WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I

YOUR MONEY.
WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
DO.

WELL, THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I
DO.
I BUY SAVINGS BONDS THROUGH THE

DO.
I BUY SAVINGS BONDS THROUGH THE
PAYROLL SAVINGS PLAN.

I BUY SAVINGS BONDS THROUGH THE
PAYROLL SAVINGS PLAN.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED

PAYROLL SAVINGS PLAN.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
MUTUAL FUNDS?

HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED
MUTUAL FUNDS?
HMM?

MUTUAL FUNDS?
HMM?
NO.

HMM?
NO.
[CHUCKLES]

NO.
[CHUCKLES]
STOP IT.

[CHUCKLES]
STOP IT.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT

STOP IT.
I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
STUFF LIKE THAT.

I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT
STUFF LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IS, WHEN

STUFF LIKE THAT.
WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IS, WHEN
YOU INVEST IN A MUTUAL FUND,

WELL, WHAT HAPPENS IS, WHEN
YOU INVEST IN A MUTUAL FUND,
THEY TAKE YOUR MONEY AND SPREAD

YOU INVEST IN A MUTUAL FUND,
THEY TAKE YOUR MONEY AND SPREAD
IT ALL AROUND SO THAT YOU OWN

THEY TAKE YOUR MONEY AND SPREAD
IT ALL AROUND SO THAT YOU OWN
PIECES OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF

IT ALL AROUND SO THAT YOU OWN
PIECES OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF
COMPANIES.

PIECES OF ALL DIFFERENT KINDS OF
COMPANIES.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO SIMPLE.

COMPANIES.
YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO SIMPLE.
BUT IT IS SIMPLE.

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS SIGN HERE,
AND WE'LL SEND A COPY TO YOUR
COMMANDING OFFICER SO THAT PART

AND WE'LL SEND A COPY TO YOUR
COMMANDING OFFICER SO THAT PART
OF YOUR PAY WILL GO DIRECTLY TO

COMMANDING OFFICER SO THAT PART
OF YOUR PAY WILL GO DIRECTLY TO
OUR OFFICES IN SWITZERLAND.

OF YOUR PAY WILL GO DIRECTLY TO
OUR OFFICES IN SWITZERLAND.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK

OUR OFFICES IN SWITZERLAND.
YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK
OR ANYTHING.

YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BANK
OR ANYTHING.
YOU MEAN IT'S DONE, LIKE, BY

OR ANYTHING.
YOU MEAN IT'S DONE, LIKE, BY
COMPUTERS?

YOU MEAN IT'S DONE, LIKE, BY
COMPUTERS?
AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW

COMPUTERS?
AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT BUSINESS.

AND YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT BUSINESS.
[LAUGHS]

ANYTHING ABOUT BUSINESS.
[LAUGHS]
OHH.

[LAUGHS]
OHH.
DO YOU THINK YOU'D WANT TO

OHH.
DO YOU THINK YOU'D WANT TO
PLAN TO INVEST $100 A MONTH, OR

DO YOU THINK YOU'D WANT TO
PLAN TO INVEST $100 A MONTH, OR
DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO

PLAN TO INVEST $100 A MONTH, OR
DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO
AFFORD $150?

DO YOU THINK YOU'D BE ABLE TO
AFFORD $150?
$100.

AFFORD $150?
$100.
[Chuckling] $150.

$100.
[Chuckling] $150.
WELL, JUST SIGN THERE, AND

[Chuckling] $150.
WELL, JUST SIGN THERE, AND
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.

WELL, JUST SIGN THERE, AND
WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
AND JUST SIGN THERE, TOO.

WE'RE IN BUSINESS.
AND JUST SIGN THERE, TOO.
YOU SEE, IT'S A COMBINATION

AND JUST SIGN THERE, TOO.
YOU SEE, IT'S A COMBINATION
INSURANCE PLAN THAT COSTS YOU

YOU SEE, IT'S A COMBINATION
INSURANCE PLAN THAT COSTS YOU
ONLY A COUPLE DOLLARS A MONTH

INSURANCE PLAN THAT COSTS YOU
ONLY A COUPLE DOLLARS A MONTH
MORE.

ONLY A COUPLE DOLLARS A MONTH
MORE.
SO IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO

MORE.
SO IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO
YOU, KNOCK ON WOOD, YOUR MUTUAL

SO IF SOMETHING SHOULD HAPPEN TO
YOU, KNOCK ON WOOD, YOUR MUTUAL
FUND PLAN AUTOMATICALLY PAYS UP.

YOU, KNOCK ON WOOD, YOUR MUTUAL
FUND PLAN AUTOMATICALLY PAYS UP.
AND THEN I'LL SPLIT THE MONEY

FUND PLAN AUTOMATICALLY PAYS UP.
AND THEN I'LL SPLIT THE MONEY
WITH WHOMEVER YOU NAME AS

AND THEN I'LL SPLIT THE MONEY
WITH WHOMEVER YOU NAME AS
BENEFICIARY.

WITH WHOMEVER YOU NAME AS
BENEFICIARY.
CAN I PUT MY MOTHER AS THE

BENEFICIARY.
CAN I PUT MY MOTHER AS THE
BENEFICIARY?

CAN I PUT MY MOTHER AS THE
BENEFICIARY?
SURE.

BENEFICIARY?
SURE.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

SURE.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
UH, WHAT DOES IT MEAN HERE IN

THANK YOU.
UH, WHAT DOES IT MEAN HERE IN
THE SMALL PRINT?

UH, WHAT DOES IT MEAN HERE IN
THE SMALL PRINT?
"THE SALESMAN COMMISSION ON THIS

THE SMALL PRINT?
"THE SALESMAN COMMISSION ON THIS
20-YEAR PLAN WILL BE PAID OFF IN

"THE SALESMAN COMMISSION ON THIS
20-YEAR PLAN WILL BE PAID OFF IN
THE FIRST YEAR'S DEPOSIT MADE

20-YEAR PLAN WILL BE PAID OFF IN
THE FIRST YEAR'S DEPOSIT MADE
DURING THE FIRST YEAR"?

THE FIRST YEAR'S DEPOSIT MADE
DURING THE FIRST YEAR"?
NOW, DOES THAT MEAN THAT ALL THE

DURING THE FIRST YEAR"?
NOW, DOES THAT MEAN THAT ALL THE
MONEY I PUT IN DURING THE FIRST

NOW, DOES THAT MEAN THAT ALL THE
MONEY I PUT IN DURING THE FIRST
YEAR GOES TO YOU AND I DON'T

MONEY I PUT IN DURING THE FIRST
YEAR GOES TO YOU AND I DON'T
GET ANYTHING INVESTED?

YEAR GOES TO YOU AND I DON'T
GET ANYTHING INVESTED?
WELL, JUST A FEW MORE

GET ANYTHING INVESTED?
WELL, JUST A FEW MORE
SECONDS.

WELL, JUST A FEW MORE
SECONDS.
I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THIS SALE,

SECONDS.
I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THIS SALE,
HUH?

I'M ALMOST DONE WITH THIS SALE,
HUH?
AH, THANK YOU.

HUH?
AH, THANK YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW.

AH, THANK YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW.
I PROMISED HIM THAT IF HE BOUGHT

BUT I HAVE TO GO NOW.
I PROMISED HIM THAT IF HE BOUGHT
A FUND FOR ME, I'D TAKE HIM TO

I PROMISED HIM THAT IF HE BOUGHT
A FUND FOR ME, I'D TAKE HIM TO
MY OFFICE AND SHOW HIM MY

A FUND FOR ME, I'D TAKE HIM TO
MY OFFICE AND SHOW HIM MY
CERTIFICATE.

MY OFFICE AND SHOW HIM MY
CERTIFICATE.
IN SWITZERLAND?

CERTIFICATE.
IN SWITZERLAND?
NO, NO, NO. UPSTAIRS.

IN SWITZERLAND?
NO, NO, NO. UPSTAIRS.
IT'S KIND OF A BRANCH OFFICE.

NO, NO, NO. UPSTAIRS.
IT'S KIND OF A BRANCH OFFICE.
HMM?

IT'S KIND OF A BRANCH OFFICE.
HMM?
WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT,

HMM?
WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT,
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SPENDING

WELL, I KIND OF THOUGHT,
WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SPENDING
$150 A MONTH, I JUST... I JUST

WELL, YOU KNOW, I'M SPENDING
$150 A MONTH, I JUST... I JUST
THOUGHT...

$150 A MONTH, I JUST... I JUST
THOUGHT...
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT

THOUGHT...
I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.

I KNOW WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT
DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
IT'S AN EXCELLENT PLAN.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ANYTHING.
IT'S AN EXCELLENT PLAN.
IT'S AN EXCELLENT FUND.

IT'S AN EXCELLENT PLAN.
IT'S AN EXCELLENT FUND.
HEY, EVERYBODY!

IT'S AN EXCELLENT FUND.
HEY, EVERYBODY!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR BRANDY.

HEY, EVERYBODY!
LET'S HEAR IT FOR BRANDY.
SHE BROKE A RECORD HERE TONIGHT.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR BRANDY.
SHE BROKE A RECORD HERE TONIGHT.
SHE SOLD 18 GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE

SHE BROKE A RECORD HERE TONIGHT.
SHE SOLD 18 GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE
AND 2 MUTUAL FUNDS.

SHE SOLD 18 GLASSES OF CHAMPAGNE
AND 2 MUTUAL FUNDS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND 2 MUTUAL FUNDS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BRAVO!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BRAVO!
FANTASTIQUE!

BRAVO!
FANTASTIQUE!
MAGNIFIQUE!

FANTASTIQUE!
MAGNIFIQUE!
♪ YOU'RE A FINE GIRL ♪

MAGNIFIQUE!
♪ YOU'RE A FINE GIRL ♪
♪ WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD

♪ YOU'RE A FINE GIRL ♪
♪ WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD
BE ♪

♪ WHAT A GOOD WIFE YOU WOULD
BE ♪
♪ SUCH A FINE GIRL ♪

BE ♪
♪ SUCH A FINE GIRL ♪
♪ YOUR EYES COULD STEAL A

♪ SUCH A FINE GIRL ♪
♪ YOUR EYES COULD STEAL A
SAILOR FROM THE SEA ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO-DO, DO ♪

♪ DO, DO, DO, DO-DO, DO ♪

[UP-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "BAD RED CHINESE BALLET"

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "BAD RED CHINESE BALLET"
WITH YOUR HOST,

FOR "BAD RED CHINESE BALLET"
WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
WELCOME, ONCE AGAIN, TO

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
WELCOME, ONCE AGAIN, TO
"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET."

WELCOME, ONCE AGAIN, TO
"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET."
I THINK I CAN SAY WITH SOME

"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET."
I THINK I CAN SAY WITH SOME
DEGREE OF ASSURANCE THAT

I THINK I CAN SAY WITH SOME
DEGREE OF ASSURANCE THAT
TONIGHT'S

DEGREE OF ASSURANCE THAT
TONIGHT'S
"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET" IS

TONIGHT'S
"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET" IS
REALLY, REALLY BAD.

"BAD RED CHINESE BALLET" IS
REALLY, REALLY BAD.
THE PRODUCTION WAS FIRST

REALLY, REALLY BAD.
THE PRODUCTION WAS FIRST
PERFORMED, BADLY, AT THE

THE PRODUCTION WAS FIRST
PERFORMED, BADLY, AT THE
LADY BIRD JOHNSON CLINIC

PERFORMED, BADLY, AT THE
LADY BIRD JOHNSON CLINIC
MEMORIAL FUND LIBRARY THEATER IN

LADY BIRD JOHNSON CLINIC
MEMORIAL FUND LIBRARY THEATER IN
AUSTIN, TEXAS, AND WAS FINANCED

MEMORIAL FUND LIBRARY THEATER IN
AUSTIN, TEXAS, AND WAS FINANCED
BY SWANK TEXAS MILLIONAIRESS

AUSTIN, TEXAS, AND WAS FINANCED
BY SWANK TEXAS MILLIONAIRESS
KITTY LOADSTONE, WHO LATER

BY SWANK TEXAS MILLIONAIRESS
KITTY LOADSTONE, WHO LATER
MARRIED THE BALLET'S AUTHOR,

KITTY LOADSTONE, WHO LATER
MARRIED THE BALLET'S AUTHOR,
QUA SUAI QUA, A NOVELTY

MARRIED THE BALLET'S AUTHOR,
QUA SUAI QUA, A NOVELTY
KEY-CHAIN MANUFACTURER

QUA SUAI QUA, A NOVELTY
KEY-CHAIN MANUFACTURER
FROM HONG KONG.

KEY-CHAIN MANUFACTURER
FROM HONG KONG.
THE RESULT OF THEIR ARTISTIC

FROM HONG KONG.
THE RESULT OF THEIR ARTISTIC
COLLABORATION IS DELICIOUSLY

THE RESULT OF THEIR ARTISTIC
COLLABORATION IS DELICIOUSLY
NAUSEANT.

COLLABORATION IS DELICIOUSLY
NAUSEANT.
THE BALLET IS SET ON A

NAUSEANT.
THE BALLET IS SET ON A
COLLECTIVE FARM IN THE

THE BALLET IS SET ON A
COLLECTIVE FARM IN THE
TSING HIGH LAKE DISTRICT OF

COLLECTIVE FARM IN THE
TSING HIGH LAKE DISTRICT OF
RED CHINA.

TSING HIGH LAKE DISTRICT OF
RED CHINA.
THE YEAR IS 1950.

RED CHINA.
THE YEAR IS 1950.
IN THE STORY, WE SEE COMMANDER

THE YEAR IS 1950.
IN THE STORY, WE SEE COMMANDER
HO PANG, THE BRAZEN FEMALE

IN THE STORY, WE SEE COMMANDER
HO PANG, THE BRAZEN FEMALE
LEADER OF THE YOUTH BORDER

HO PANG, THE BRAZEN FEMALE
LEADER OF THE YOUTH BORDER
WATCH, ENTER AND URGE THE WOMEN

LEADER OF THE YOUTH BORDER
WATCH, ENTER AND URGE THE WOMEN
OF THE RED ARMY TO BE IN

WATCH, ENTER AND URGE THE WOMEN
OF THE RED ARMY TO BE IN
ETERNAL READINESS FOR THE

OF THE RED ARMY TO BE IN
ETERNAL READINESS FOR THE
IMPENDING WESTERN IMPERIALIST

ETERNAL READINESS FOR THE
IMPENDING WESTERN IMPERIALIST
ONSLAUGHT.

IMPENDING WESTERN IMPERIALIST
ONSLAUGHT.
BE SURE TO WATCH CLOSELY FOR AN

ONSLAUGHT.
BE SURE TO WATCH CLOSELY FOR AN
EXQUISITE FLAW IN THE

BE SURE TO WATCH CLOSELY FOR AN
EXQUISITE FLAW IN THE
PRODUCTION.

EXQUISITE FLAW IN THE
PRODUCTION.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE AUTHOR'S

PRODUCTION.
SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE AUTHOR'S
SYMBOL OF "YANKEE IMPERIALISM."

SEE IF YOU CAN SPOT THE AUTHOR'S
SYMBOL OF "YANKEE IMPERIALISM."
IT IS DAWN BY THE LAKE.

SYMBOL OF "YANKEE IMPERIALISM."
IT IS DAWN BY THE LAKE.
THE ARMY'S RED DETACHMENT OF

IT IS DAWN BY THE LAKE.
THE ARMY'S RED DETACHMENT OF
WOMEN CELEBRATES THEIR

THE ARMY'S RED DETACHMENT OF
WOMEN CELEBRATES THEIR
SUCCESSFUL DELIVERY OF TRACTORS

WOMEN CELEBRATES THEIR
SUCCESSFUL DELIVERY OF TRACTORS
TO THE COLLECTIVE WITH HOPEFUL

SUCCESSFUL DELIVERY OF TRACTORS
TO THE COLLECTIVE WITH HOPEFUL
AND EXPECTANT HEARTS AS OUR

TO THE COLLECTIVE WITH HOPEFUL
AND EXPECTANT HEARTS AS OUR
BALLET BEGINS.

AND EXPECTANT HEARTS AS OUR
BALLET BEGINS.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

[ALL SHOUTING]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
IRREDEEMABLY BAD.
CHAIRMAN MAO SAY, "REALLY BITES

IRREDEEMABLY BAD.
CHAIRMAN MAO SAY, "REALLY BITES
BIG ONE."

CHAIRMAN MAO SAY, "REALLY BITES
BIG ONE."
THE RED DETACHMENT OF WOMEN WAS

BIG ONE."
THE RED DETACHMENT OF WOMEN WAS
PLAYED BY THE AUSTIN CHAMBER OF

THE RED DETACHMENT OF WOMEN WAS
PLAYED BY THE AUSTIN CHAMBER OF
COMMERCE RANGERETTES, FEATURING

PLAYED BY THE AUSTIN CHAMBER OF
COMMERCE RANGERETTES, FEATURING
TRISHA DARNELL AS HO PANG.

COMMERCE RANGERETTES, FEATURING
TRISHA DARNELL AS HO PANG.
THE YANKEE IMPERIALISM WAS

TRISHA DARNELL AS HO PANG.
THE YANKEE IMPERIALISM WAS
NEW YORK'S OWN MICKEY RIVERS.

THE YANKEE IMPERIALISM WAS
NEW YORK'S OWN MICKEY RIVERS.
AND COMMANDER CHOI, THE

NEW YORK'S OWN MICKEY RIVERS.
AND COMMANDER CHOI, THE
FLAG BEARER, WAS OUR OWN

AND COMMANDER CHOI, THE
FLAG BEARER, WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.

FLAG BEARER, WAS OUR OWN
RONNIE BATEMAN.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR

RONNIE BATEMAN.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR
"BAD RED CHINESE FIRE DRILL."

JOIN US NEXT WEEK FOR
"BAD RED CHINESE FIRE DRILL."
UNTIL THEN, I'M

"BAD RED CHINESE FIRE DRILL."
UNTIL THEN, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

UNTIL THEN, I'M
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD NIGHT.

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD NIGHT.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

TONY, CAN YOU FIND THAT
CARMEN CAVALLARO ALBUM NEAR THE
SOFA IN THE DINETTE?

CARMEN CAVALLARO ALBUM NEAR THE
SOFA IN THE DINETTE?
PUT IT ON.

SOFA IN THE DINETTE?
PUT IT ON.
I WANT TO RUN IT WITH THE ROME

PUT IT ON.
I WANT TO RUN IT WITH THE ROME
MOVIE.

I WANT TO RUN IT WITH THE ROME
MOVIE.
OKAY, ROLL IT.

MOVIE.
OKAY, ROLL IT.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]

OKAY, ROLL IT.
[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
HERE WE ARE ON OUR FIRST DAY IN

[SOFT MUSIC PLAYS]
HERE WE ARE ON OUR FIRST DAY IN
ROME.

HERE WE ARE ON OUR FIRST DAY IN
ROME.
IT WAS GORGEOUS!

ROME.
IT WAS GORGEOUS!
WE CAME 'CAUSE ROMAN HAD A

IT WAS GORGEOUS!
WE CAME 'CAUSE ROMAN HAD A
CORONARY BYPASS DOWN IN HOUSTON

WE CAME 'CAUSE ROMAN HAD A
CORONARY BYPASS DOWN IN HOUSTON
LAST SPRING, AND THE DOCTOR SAID

CORONARY BYPASS DOWN IN HOUSTON
LAST SPRING, AND THE DOCTOR SAID
THIS TRIP WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.

LAST SPRING, AND THE DOCTOR SAID
THIS TRIP WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.
WELL, WE POPPED ON A PLANE AND

THIS TRIP WOULD BE GOOD FOR HIM.
WELL, WE POPPED ON A PLANE AND
JUST FOUND OURSELVES IN ROME,

WELL, WE POPPED ON A PLANE AND
JUST FOUND OURSELVES IN ROME,
AND IT WAS STILL ETERNAL AFTER

JUST FOUND OURSELVES IN ROME,
AND IT WAS STILL ETERNAL AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS.

AND IT WAS STILL ETERNAL AFTER
ALL THESE YEARS.
HERE'S THE COLOSSEUM.

ALL THESE YEARS.
HERE'S THE COLOSSEUM.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THEY HAD

HERE'S THE COLOSSEUM.
YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THEY HAD
BULLFIGHTS THERE UNTIL SOMEONE

YOU KNOW, I THOUGHT THEY HAD
BULLFIGHTS THERE UNTIL SOMEONE
TOLD ME ABOUT THE GLADIATORIAL

BULLFIGHTS THERE UNTIL SOMEONE
TOLD ME ABOUT THE GLADIATORIAL
COMBAT.

TOLD ME ABOUT THE GLADIATORIAL
COMBAT.
[LAUGHS]

COMBAT.
[LAUGHS]
OH, HERE'S ROMAN TRYING TO TAKE

[LAUGHS]
OH, HERE'S ROMAN TRYING TO TAKE
MY PICTURE.

OH, HERE'S ROMAN TRYING TO TAKE
MY PICTURE.
THE CAMERA BROKE.

MY PICTURE.
THE CAMERA BROKE.
ROMAN WASN'T VERY MECHANICAL.

THE CAMERA BROKE.
ROMAN WASN'T VERY MECHANICAL.
NO.

ROMAN WASN'T VERY MECHANICAL.
NO.
IT WAS HOT AS THE DICKENS.

NO.
IT WAS HOT AS THE DICKENS.
THANK GOD WE HAD AN

IT WAS HOT AS THE DICKENS.
THANK GOD WE HAD AN
AIR-CONDITIONED BUS.

THANK GOD WE HAD AN
AIR-CONDITIONED BUS.
HERE WE ARE AT THE VATICAN, WHEN

AIR-CONDITIONED BUS.
HERE WE ARE AT THE VATICAN, WHEN
WE STILL HAD THE ORIGINAL

HERE WE ARE AT THE VATICAN, WHEN
WE STILL HAD THE ORIGINAL
POPE JOHN PAUL, GOD BLESS HIM.

WE STILL HAD THE ORIGINAL
POPE JOHN PAUL, GOD BLESS HIM.
IT'S A DARN SHAME.

POPE JOHN PAUL, GOD BLESS HIM.
IT'S A DARN SHAME.
WE WERE COMPLETELY POOPED AFTER

IT'S A DARN SHAME.
WE WERE COMPLETELY POOPED AFTER
RUNNING ALL OVER.

WE WERE COMPLETELY POOPED AFTER
RUNNING ALL OVER.
WE WENT TO 34 FOUNTAINS, 16

RUNNING ALL OVER.
WE WENT TO 34 FOUNTAINS, 16
CHURCHES, AND 5 CATACOMBS.

WE WENT TO 34 FOUNTAINS, 16
CHURCHES, AND 5 CATACOMBS.
OH, I LOVE THOSE FOUNTAINS.

CHURCHES, AND 5 CATACOMBS.
OH, I LOVE THOSE FOUNTAINS.
IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE

OH, I LOVE THOSE FOUNTAINS.
IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE
GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA.

IT MADE ME FEEL LIKE
GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA.
[LAUGHS]

GINA LOLLOBRIGIDA.
[LAUGHS]
THERE'S THE CUTEST PAPARAZZI IN

[LAUGHS]
THERE'S THE CUTEST PAPARAZZI IN
ROME... TONY.

THERE'S THE CUTEST PAPARAZZI IN
ROME... TONY.
[LAUGHS]

ROME... TONY.
[LAUGHS]
CLICKETY, CLICKETY, CLICKETY.

[LAUGHS]
CLICKETY, CLICKETY, CLICKETY.
OH!

CLICKETY, CLICKETY, CLICKETY.
OH!
IT ONLY COST 5,000 LIRA.

OH!
IT ONLY COST 5,000 LIRA.
HERE ARE THE SPANISH STEPS.

IT ONLY COST 5,000 LIRA.
HERE ARE THE SPANISH STEPS.
I GUESS THEY SENT THEM OVER FROM

HERE ARE THE SPANISH STEPS.
I GUESS THEY SENT THEM OVER FROM
SPAIN.

I GUESS THEY SENT THEM OVER FROM
SPAIN.
WE GOT SOME BEAUTIFUL LEATHERS

SPAIN.
WE GOT SOME BEAUTIFUL LEATHERS
FROM GUCCI.

WE GOT SOME BEAUTIFUL LEATHERS
FROM GUCCI.
ROMAN WAS A DOLL TO CARRY THEM

FROM GUCCI.
ROMAN WAS A DOLL TO CARRY THEM
FOR ME.

ROMAN WAS A DOLL TO CARRY THEM
FOR ME.
THERE'S THE CUTEST DANCER IN

FOR ME.
THERE'S THE CUTEST DANCER IN
ROME!

THERE'S THE CUTEST DANCER IN
ROME!
THERE'S OUR BUS AGAIN.

ROME!
THERE'S OUR BUS AGAIN.
WE WENT TO THIS GREAT LITTLE

THERE'S OUR BUS AGAIN.
WE WENT TO THIS GREAT LITTLE
ITALIAN RESTAURANT.

WE WENT TO THIS GREAT LITTLE
ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
WE HAD THE SPAGHETTI AND SHRIMP

ITALIAN RESTAURANT.
WE HAD THE SPAGHETTI AND SHRIMP
SCAMPI AND WILD CHIANTI.

WE HAD THE SPAGHETTI AND SHRIMP
SCAMPI AND WILD CHIANTI.
[LAUGHS]

SCAMPI AND WILD CHIANTI.
[LAUGHS]
DID I MENTION THE BREADSTICKS?

[LAUGHS]
DID I MENTION THE BREADSTICKS?
[LAUGHS]

DID I MENTION THE BREADSTICKS?
[LAUGHS]
OH, DON'T LET ME LOOK.

[LAUGHS]
OH, DON'T LET ME LOOK.
THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENED.

OH, DON'T LET ME LOOK.
THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENED.
[CRIES]

THIS IS WHERE IT HAPPENED.
[CRIES]
POOR ROMAN PASSED AWAY AT 5:45

[CRIES]
POOR ROMAN PASSED AWAY AT 5:45
ROMAN TIME.

POOR ROMAN PASSED AWAY AT 5:45
ROMAN TIME.
HERE AT THE ITALIAN FIRST AID,

ROMAN TIME.
HERE AT THE ITALIAN FIRST AID,
TONY WAS THE CUTEST COMFORTER IN

HERE AT THE ITALIAN FIRST AID,
TONY WAS THE CUTEST COMFORTER IN
MY HOUR OF NEED IN ROME.

TONY WAS THE CUTEST COMFORTER IN
MY HOUR OF NEED IN ROME.
ROMAN DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE FINAL

MY HOUR OF NEED IN ROME.
ROMAN DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE FINAL
PAYMENT ON HIS PACEMAKER.

ROMAN DIDN'T EVEN MAKE THE FINAL
PAYMENT ON HIS PACEMAKER.
QUICK, TONY.

PAYMENT ON HIS PACEMAKER.
QUICK, TONY.
PUT ON THAT OTHER RECORD.

QUICK, TONY.
PUT ON THAT OTHER RECORD.
[RECORD CHANGES]

PUT ON THAT OTHER RECORD.
[RECORD CHANGES]
WELL, I'LL BET YOU KNOW WHAT

[RECORD CHANGES]
WELL, I'LL BET YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.

WELL, I'LL BET YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.
TONY AND I WERE MARRIED IN A

HAPPENED.
TONY AND I WERE MARRIED IN A
SIMPLE CIVIL CEREMONY.

TONY AND I WERE MARRIED IN A
SIMPLE CIVIL CEREMONY.
ROMAN'S INSURANCE COVERED THE

SIMPLE CIVIL CEREMONY.
ROMAN'S INSURANCE COVERED THE
HONEYMOON.

ROMAN'S INSURANCE COVERED THE
HONEYMOON.
I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE

HONEYMOON.
I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE
UNDERSTOOD.

I'M SURE HE WOULD HAVE
UNDERSTOOD.
ARRIVEDERCI, ROMAN,

UNDERSTOOD.
ARRIVEDERCI, ROMAN,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.

ARRIVEDERCI, ROMAN,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.
AND THANKS.

GOOD NIGHT!

GOODBYE!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, JOIN US

FOR AN ENCORE PRESENTATION OF

THE "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" SHOW,

HOSTED BY PAUL SIMON WITH THE

SPECIAL GUEST GEORGE HARRISON.

TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT, WE'LL BE

BACK LIVE ON THE AIR WITH HOST

WALTER MATTHAU.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

GOOD NIGHT.