Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 5 - Buck Henry/The Grateful Dead - full transcript

THIS IS LARAINE NEWMAN HERE

AT HUNKLER HEADQUARTERS IN THE

SMALL BALLROOM OF THE RAMADA

INN, AND THE MOOD IS SOMBER.

HUNKLER, OF COURSE, IS THE
CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE WHO
GAINED NATIONAL ATTENTION BY

CONGRESSIONAL CANDIDATE WHO
GAINED NATIONAL ATTENTION BY
DIVORCING HIS WIFE OF 12 YEARS

GAINED NATIONAL ATTENTION BY
DIVORCING HIS WIFE OF 12 YEARS
TO MARRY A CAMPAIGN AIDE, ONLY

DIVORCING HIS WIFE OF 12 YEARS
TO MARRY A CAMPAIGN AIDE, ONLY
TO HAVE THE MARRIAGE ANNULLED

TO MARRY A CAMPAIGN AIDE, ONLY
TO HAVE THE MARRIAGE ANNULLED
WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE

TO HAVE THE MARRIAGE ANNULLED
WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE
GIRL WAS A MINOR.

WHEN IT WAS REVEALED THAT THE
GIRL WAS A MINOR.
EVIDENTLY, VOTERS DID NOT BUY



GIRL WAS A MINOR.
EVIDENTLY, VOTERS DID NOT BUY
HUNKLER'S EXPLANATION THAT IT

EVIDENTLY, VOTERS DID NOT BUY
HUNKLER'S EXPLANATION THAT IT
WAS "AN HONEST MISTAKE."

HUNKLER'S EXPLANATION THAT IT
WAS "AN HONEST MISTAKE."
BECAUSE IT APPEARS THAT HE HAS

WAS "AN HONEST MISTAKE."
BECAUSE IT APPEARS THAT HE HAS
LOST THE CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION

BECAUSE IT APPEARS THAT HE HAS
LOST THE CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION
BY A RECORD MARGIN, IN FACT, NOT

LOST THE CONGRESSIONAL ELECTION
BY A RECORD MARGIN, IN FACT, NOT
ONLY WILL HUNKLER'S OPPONENT BE

BY A RECORD MARGIN, IN FACT, NOT
ONLY WILL HUNKLER'S OPPONENT BE
THE FIRST REPUBLICAN IN MEMORY

ONLY WILL HUNKLER'S OPPONENT BE
THE FIRST REPUBLICAN IN MEMORY
TO WIN THIS TRADITIONALLY

THE FIRST REPUBLICAN IN MEMORY
TO WIN THIS TRADITIONALLY
DEMOCRATIC SEAT, BUT IT WILL BE

TO WIN THIS TRADITIONALLY
DEMOCRATIC SEAT, BUT IT WILL BE
THE FIRST TIME THE DEMOCRATS

DEMOCRATIC SEAT, BUT IT WILL BE
THE FIRST TIME THE DEMOCRATS
HAVE BEEN OUTPOLLED BY THE

THE FIRST TIME THE DEMOCRATS
HAVE BEEN OUTPOLLED BY THE
SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY.

HAVE BEEN OUTPOLLED BY THE
SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY.
HUNKLER TRAILED LAST EVENING, HE

SOCIALIST WORKERS PARTY.
HUNKLER TRAILED LAST EVENING, HE
TRAILED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT, HE



HUNKLER TRAILED LAST EVENING, HE
TRAILED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT, HE
CONTINUED TO TRAIL TODAY, AND

TRAILED THROUGHOUT THE NIGHT, HE
CONTINUED TO TRAIL TODAY, AND
FINALLY, THIS EVENING, WITH 99

CONTINUED TO TRAIL TODAY, AND
FINALLY, THIS EVENING, WITH 99
OF THE PRECINCTS IN, HUNKLER'S

FINALLY, THIS EVENING, WITH 99
OF THE PRECINCTS IN, HUNKLER'S
STAFF HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S

OF THE PRECINCTS IN, HUNKLER'S
STAFF HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S
READY TO CONCEDE.

STAFF HAS ANNOUNCED THAT HE'S
READY TO CONCEDE.
OH, HERE HE COMES NOW.

READY TO CONCEDE.
OH, HERE HE COMES NOW.
[APPLAUSE]

OH, HERE HE COMES NOW.
[APPLAUSE]
MY CAMP...

[APPLAUSE]
MY CAMP...
MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS INFORMED

MY CAMP...
MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS INFORMED
ME THAT EVEN IF I GOT EVERY

MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS INFORMED
ME THAT EVEN IF I GOT EVERY
SINGLE VOTE IN THE REMAINING

ME THAT EVEN IF I GOT EVERY
SINGLE VOTE IN THE REMAINING
PRECINCTS AND EVERY SINGLE

SINGLE VOTE IN THE REMAINING
PRECINCTS AND EVERY SINGLE
ABSENTEE BALLOT, IT IS

PRECINCTS AND EVERY SINGLE
ABSENTEE BALLOT, IT IS
MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME

ABSENTEE BALLOT, IT IS
MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME
TO WIN.

MATHEMATICALLY IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME
TO WIN.
NO!

TO WIN.
NO!
NO!

NO!
NO!
YEP. WE'VE LOST.

NO!
YEP. WE'VE LOST.
A FEW MOMENTS AGO, I SENT MY

YEP. WE'VE LOST.
A FEW MOMENTS AGO, I SENT MY
OPPONENT THIS TELEGRAM.

A FEW MOMENTS AGO, I SENT MY
OPPONENT THIS TELEGRAM.
NO!

OPPONENT THIS TELEGRAM.
NO!
"DEAR CONGRESSMAN-ELECT

NO!
"DEAR CONGRESSMAN-ELECT
TRIMBLE, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS

"DEAR CONGRESSMAN-ELECT
TRIMBLE, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS
INFORMED ME THAT EVEN IF I GET

TRIMBLE, MY CAMPAIGN MANAGER HAS
INFORMED ME THAT EVEN IF I GET
EVERY SINGLE REMAINING VOTE, IT

INFORMED ME THAT EVEN IF I GET
EVERY SINGLE REMAINING VOTE, IT
IS STILL MATHEMATICALLY

EVERY SINGLE REMAINING VOTE, IT
IS STILL MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO WIN.

IS STILL MATHEMATICALLY
IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO WIN.
SO HERE IS THE CONGRATULATORY

IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO WIN.
SO HERE IS THE CONGRATULATORY
TELEGRAM THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO

SO HERE IS THE CONGRATULATORY
TELEGRAM THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO
SEND.

TELEGRAM THAT I'M SUPPOSED TO
SEND.
SINCERELY, DENNIS V. HUNKLER."

SEND.
SINCERELY, DENNIS V. HUNKLER."
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]

SINCERELY, DENNIS V. HUNKLER."
[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
NOW, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE

[LIGHT APPLAUSE]
NOW, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE
PEOPLE WHO WORKED SO HARD.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO THANK ALL THOSE
PEOPLE WHO WORKED SO HARD.
YEAH! YEAH!

PEOPLE WHO WORKED SO HARD.
YEAH! YEAH!
MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, VICTORIA,

YEAH! YEAH!
MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, VICTORIA,
WHO HAS STOOD BY ME.

MY NEW GIRLFRIEND, VICTORIA,
WHO HAS STOOD BY ME.
SHE HAS STOOD BY ME IN THESE

WHO HAS STOOD BY ME.
SHE HAS STOOD BY ME IN THESE
PAST 10 DAYS SINCE THE

SHE HAS STOOD BY ME IN THESE
PAST 10 DAYS SINCE THE
ANNULMENT.

PAST 10 DAYS SINCE THE
ANNULMENT.
MY GOOD FRIEND BILL TEMPLE

ANNULMENT.
MY GOOD FRIEND BILL TEMPLE
HELPED ME GET OUT THE VOTE IN

MY GOOD FRIEND BILL TEMPLE
HELPED ME GET OUT THE VOTE IN
THE BLACK COMMUNITY.

HELPED ME GET OUT THE VOTE IN
THE BLACK COMMUNITY.
BILL WAS THE GUY WHO GOT

THE BLACK COMMUNITY.
BILL WAS THE GUY WHO GOT
CORETTA KING TO FLY HERE TO

BILL WAS THE GUY WHO GOT
CORETTA KING TO FLY HERE TO
ENDORSE ME.

CORETTA KING TO FLY HERE TO
ENDORSE ME.
AND, BILL, LET ME TAKE THIS

ENDORSE ME.
AND, BILL, LET ME TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY ONCE AGAIN TO

AND, BILL, LET ME TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY ONCE AGAIN TO
APOLOGIZE FOR PUNCHING MRS. KING

OPPORTUNITY ONCE AGAIN TO
APOLOGIZE FOR PUNCHING MRS. KING
IN THE STOMACH.

APOLOGIZE FOR PUNCHING MRS. KING
IN THE STOMACH.
ALL I CAN SAY IS I-I HAD HAD A

IN THE STOMACH.
ALL I CAN SAY IS I-I HAD HAD A
ROUGH DAY, I WAS CRANKY, AND I

ALL I CAN SAY IS I-I HAD HAD A
ROUGH DAY, I WAS CRANKY, AND I
JUST DID NOT RECOGNIZE HER.

ROUGH DAY, I WAS CRANKY, AND I
JUST DID NOT RECOGNIZE HER.
I'M SORRY.

JUST DID NOT RECOGNIZE HER.
I'M SORRY.
UH, BETTY CRANE, MY PRESS

I'M SORRY.
UH, BETTY CRANE, MY PRESS
SECRETARY.

UH, BETTY CRANE, MY PRESS
SECRETARY.
BETTY BORE THE BRUNT OF A LOT OF

SECRETARY.
BETTY BORE THE BRUNT OF A LOT OF
BAD CRITICISM I RECEIVED AFTER I

BETTY BORE THE BRUNT OF A LOT OF
BAD CRITICISM I RECEIVED AFTER I
ACCUSED MY OPPONENT OF BEING AN

BAD CRITICISM I RECEIVED AFTER I
ACCUSED MY OPPONENT OF BEING AN
ILLEGAL ALIEN.

ACCUSED MY OPPONENT OF BEING AN
ILLEGAL ALIEN.
ONCE AGAIN, I WAS UNDER A LOT OF

ILLEGAL ALIEN.
ONCE AGAIN, I WAS UNDER A LOT OF
PRESSURE.

ONCE AGAIN, I WAS UNDER A LOT OF
PRESSURE.
IT WAS A TELEVISED DEBATE.

PRESSURE.
IT WAS A TELEVISED DEBATE.
I JUST PANICKED, YOU KNOW?

IT WAS A TELEVISED DEBATE.
I JUST PANICKED, YOU KNOW?
I THOUGHT I COULD REALLY GET HIM

I JUST PANICKED, YOU KNOW?
I THOUGHT I COULD REALLY GET HIM
WITH THAT ONE, AND...

I THOUGHT I COULD REALLY GET HIM
WITH THAT ONE, AND...
THIS HAS NOT BEEN THE EASIEST

WITH THAT ONE, AND...
THIS HAS NOT BEEN THE EASIEST
CAMPAIGN.

THIS HAS NOT BEEN THE EASIEST
CAMPAIGN.
I HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKES.

CAMPAIGN.
I HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKES.
ANY TIME YOU RELY ON YOUR

I HAVE MADE SOME MISTAKES.
ANY TIME YOU RELY ON YOUR
INSTINCTS, YOU'RE BOUND TO MAKE

ANY TIME YOU RELY ON YOUR
INSTINCTS, YOU'RE BOUND TO MAKE
MISTAKES.

INSTINCTS, YOU'RE BOUND TO MAKE
MISTAKES.
PERHAPS "LET'S RAISE PROPERTY

MISTAKES.
PERHAPS "LET'S RAISE PROPERTY
TAXES SKY-HIGH" WAS NOT THE BEST

PERHAPS "LET'S RAISE PROPERTY
TAXES SKY-HIGH" WAS NOT THE BEST
THEME FOR A CAMPAIGN IN 1978.

TAXES SKY-HIGH" WAS NOT THE BEST
THEME FOR A CAMPAIGN IN 1978.
UH, YEAH, WE LOST SOME TIME

THEME FOR A CAMPAIGN IN 1978.
UH, YEAH, WE LOST SOME TIME
EARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN... FOUR

UH, YEAH, WE LOST SOME TIME
EARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN... FOUR
MONTHS TO BE EXACT, UH,

EARLY IN THE CAMPAIGN... FOUR
MONTHS TO BE EXACT, UH,
FULFILLING MY PLEDGE TO WALK THE

MONTHS TO BE EXACT, UH,
FULFILLING MY PLEDGE TO WALK THE
STATE.

FULFILLING MY PLEDGE TO WALK THE
STATE.
[APPLAUSE]

STATE.
[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T REGRET IT.

[APPLAUSE]
I DON'T REGRET IT.
I DON'T REGRET IT.

I DON'T REGRET IT.
I DON'T REGRET IT.
BUT PERHAPS HERE IN A STATE LIKE

I DON'T REGRET IT.
BUT PERHAPS HERE IN A STATE LIKE
MONTANA, I WOULD HAVE BEEN

BUT PERHAPS HERE IN A STATE LIKE
MONTANA, I WOULD HAVE BEEN
BETTER OFF DRIVING OR EVEN

MONTANA, I WOULD HAVE BEEN
BETTER OFF DRIVING OR EVEN
FLYING THE STATE.

BETTER OFF DRIVING OR EVEN
FLYING THE STATE.
BUT I LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES,

FLYING THE STATE.
BUT I LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES,
AND ONE THING I DO KNOW IS THAT

BUT I LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES,
AND ONE THING I DO KNOW IS THAT
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO YEARS.

AND ONE THING I DO KNOW IS THAT
I'LL BE BACK IN TWO YEARS.
AND NEXT TIME, WE'LL BE THE ONES

I'LL BE BACK IN TWO YEARS.
AND NEXT TIME, WE'LL BE THE ONES
WITH 86%, AND MR. TRIMBLE WILL

AND NEXT TIME, WE'LL BE THE ONES
WITH 86%, AND MR. TRIMBLE WILL
BE THE ONE WITH 6%!

WITH 86%, AND MR. TRIMBLE WILL
BE THE ONE WITH 6%!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BE THE ONE WITH 6%!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT... A

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT... A
CONCESSION SPEECH FROM

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT... A
CONCESSION SPEECH FROM
DENNIS V. HUNKLER.

CONCESSION SPEECH FROM
DENNIS V. HUNKLER.
PERHAPS A RAY OF HOPE FOR THE

DENNIS V. HUNKLER.
PERHAPS A RAY OF HOPE FOR THE
FUTURE.

PERHAPS A RAY OF HOPE FOR THE
FUTURE.
THIS HAS BEEN LARAINE NEWMAN.

FUTURE.
THIS HAS BEEN LARAINE NEWMAN.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

THIS HAS BEEN LARAINE NEWMAN.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT."
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY

NIGHT LIVE!"

WITH BUCK HENRY.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD.
JOHN BELUSHI.
JANE CURTIN.

JOHN BELUSHI.
JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.

JANE CURTIN.
GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.

GARRETT MORRIS.
BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.

BILL MURRAY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST
THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BUCK HENRY!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BUCK HENRY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, FOLKS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE BACK HERE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE BACK HERE.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK

IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE BACK HERE.
IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK
HOSTING FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THE

IT'S WONDERFUL TO BE BACK
HOSTING FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THE
SIXTH, SEVENTH, EIGHTH, NINTH...

HOSTING FOR, I DON'T KNOW, THE
SIXTH, SEVENTH, EIGHTH, NINTH...
WHATEVER TIME IT IS THAT I'M

SIXTH, SEVENTH, EIGHTH, NINTH...
WHATEVER TIME IT IS THAT I'M
DOING IT.

WHATEVER TIME IT IS THAT I'M
DOING IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DOING IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS. THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS. THANK YOU.
'CAUSE THESE ARE THE BEST PEOPLE

THANKS. THANK YOU.
'CAUSE THESE ARE THE BEST PEOPLE
TO WORK WITH IN THE WORLD.

'CAUSE THESE ARE THE BEST PEOPLE
TO WORK WITH IN THE WORLD.
AND I'M SAYING THAT NOT BECAUSE

TO WORK WITH IN THE WORLD.
AND I'M SAYING THAT NOT BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN HERE SO MANY TIMES,

AND I'M SAYING THAT NOT BECAUSE
I'VE BEEN HERE SO MANY TIMES,
BUT BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAR

I'VE BEEN HERE SO MANY TIMES,
BUT BECAUSE THEY ARE DEAR
FRIENDS OF MINE, ALL OF THEM.

AND THE FACT THAT THEY RECOGNIZE

THAT I'M SOMEONE WHO CAN COME

BACK TIME AND TIME AGAIN IN

ORDER TO ENTERTAIN YOU HAS

NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT FEELING

ON MY PART.

IT SIMPLY IS MY RECOGNITION, I

THINK, THAT PERHAPS I LEND A

COMEDIC SENSE TO THIS SHOW THAT

IS NOT EASILY GOTTEN AT.

I MEAN, YOU HAVE COMICS WHO COME

ON THE SHOW AND THEY TELL JOKES,

AND THEY'RE ABLE TO MAKE YOU

LAUGH.

AND YOU HAVE COMEDIANS... ACTORS

WHO DO COMEDY, OR COMEDY ACTORS

WHO PERFORM, PEOPLE WHO DO

THINGS THAT ARE IMMEDIATELY

RECOGNIZABLE AS MIRTH-PROVOKING,

AS LAUGH-GIVING.

MY TECHNIQUE IS SOMEWHAT

DIFFERENT.

I DON'T WANT TO LEAN ON THIS,

BUT I THINK THE POINT IS THAT I

THINK FUNNY.

I THINK FUNNY, AND I CAN, I

BELIVE, RECOGNIZE A HUMOROUS

SITUATION WHEN I SEE IT.

AND I THINK THAT'S MY VALUE TO

THE SHOW.

EVEN HERE NOW, JUST TALKING TO

YOU, OBVIOUSLY, I THINK IT'S

POSSIBLE FOR YOU TO SENSE THE

HUMOROUSNESS IN THE SITUATION OF

MY SIMPLY TELLING YOU ABOUT

COMEDY.

NOW, IT'S NOT THAT I PRESENT

MYSELF AS AN EXPERT ANY MORE

THAN ANY OF THE PEOPLE WHO CAN

DO THESE THINGS.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

THAT WHAT I DO IS UNIQUE ONLY IN

THAT IT IS ME DOING IT.

IT'S NOT JUST THAT ANYBODY CAN

STAND HERE AND DO IT.

THEY HAVE TO UNDERSTAND THAT

EACH WEEK, SOMEONE DIFFERENT

COMES OUT HERE AND PRESENTS TO

YOU A POINT OF VIEW, A PERSONA,

A MODE OF BEHAVIOR, IF YOU WILL.

I COULD ANALYZE IT AT SOME

LENGTH.

THERE ARE COMICS, AS I'VE SAID,

THERE ARE COMEDIANS.

["STAR WARS" THEME PLAYS]
THERE ARE COMEDIC FORMS OF
BEHAVIOR, AND, OF COURSE, THERE

THERE ARE COMEDIC FORMS OF
BEHAVIOR, AND, OF COURSE, THERE
IS A FOURTH KIND... THE CLOWN.

BEHAVIOR, AND, OF COURSE, THERE
IS A FOURTH KIND... THE CLOWN.
NOW, THE CLOWN WE CAN GO INTO

IS A FOURTH KIND... THE CLOWN.
NOW, THE CLOWN WE CAN GO INTO
LATER.

NOW, THE CLOWN WE CAN GO INTO
LATER.
THAT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COMIC

LATER.
THAT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COMIC
ASPECT.

THAT IS A WHOLE DIFFERENT COMIC
ASPECT.
THAT'S A KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES

ASPECT.
THAT'S A KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES
SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T FIT INTO

THAT'S A KIND OF PERSON WHO DOES
SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T FIT INTO
THE OTHER CATEGORIES.

SOMETHING THAT DOESN'T FIT INTO
THE OTHER CATEGORIES.
AND I THINK THE THING TO

THE OTHER CATEGORIES.
AND I THINK THE THING TO
UNDERSTAND IS THAT EACH OF THESE

AND I THINK THE THING TO
UNDERSTAND IS THAT EACH OF THESE
PEOPLE, IN THEIR OWN WAY, CAN

UNDERSTAND IS THAT EACH OF THESE
PEOPLE, IN THEIR OWN WAY, CAN
FIND A METHOD FOR YOU TO RESPOND

PEOPLE, IN THEIR OWN WAY, CAN
FIND A METHOD FOR YOU TO RESPOND
TO SOMETHING SPECIFIC, SOMETHING

FIND A METHOD FOR YOU TO RESPOND
TO SOMETHING SPECIFIC, SOMETHING
PARTICULAR THAT THEY DO, BUT

TO SOMETHING SPECIFIC, SOMETHING
PARTICULAR THAT THEY DO, BUT
SOMETHING YOU CAN RECOGNIZE AS

PARTICULAR THAT THEY DO, BUT
SOMETHING YOU CAN RECOGNIZE AS
PART OF... WHAT CAN I CALL

SOMETHING YOU CAN RECOGNIZE AS
PART OF... WHAT CAN I CALL
IT? THE HUMAN CONDITION.

SOMETHING THAT WILL KEEP YOU

INTERESTED, AS YOU'VE BEEN

INTERESTED THROUGH MY ENTIRE

SPEECH HERE TONIGHT.

AND IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE...

IT'S NOT JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE

WAITING FOR SOMETHING TO HAPPEN.

IT'S NOT BECAUSE I USE TRICKS.

I DON'T.

I'M SIMPLY APPEALING TO YOU AS

HUMAN BEINGS AND TALKING TO YOU

AS ONE PERSON TO ANOTHER SO THAT

YOU CAN UNDERSTAND... EXACTLY.

EXACTLY.

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING

ABOUT... THAT KIND OF RESPONSE.

AND I UNDERSTAND IT, AND I

APPRECIATE IT IN THE SAME WAY

THAT YOU UNDERSTAND AND

APPRECIATE WHAT I'M TRYING TO

SAY TO YOU, BECAUSE THERE IS NO

DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ENTERTAINMENT

AND EDUCATION AND INFORMATION.

THEY'RE ALL PART OF THE SAME

SUBJECT, PART OF THE SAME THING.

AND, WELL, I JUST DON'T KNOW

WHAT ELSE TO SAY ABOUT THIS

EXCEPT THAT YOU'VE BEEN VERY

PATIENT AND VERY WONDERFUL TO

LISTEN TO EVERYTHING I'VE HAD TO

SAY ON THIS SUBJECT.

I HOPE YOU'VE LEARNED AS MUCH AS

I'VE LEARNED FROM YOU.

AND IN THE FUTURE, WHEN WE'RE

ALL HERE TOGETHER AGAIN, I KNOW

WE'LL BE ABLE TO TALK MORE ABOUT

THIS AND BE ABLE TO DEAL WITH IT

ON EVEN DEEPER LEVELS.

YOU'RE A FINE, INTELLIGENT

GROUP.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

THANK YOU.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

HELLO.
I'M LANE BRETHER, AND I'D LIKE
TO SHARE WITH YOU THE MOST

I'M LANE BRETHER, AND I'D LIKE
TO SHARE WITH YOU THE MOST
EXCITING HOME-PROFIT ENTERPRISE

TO SHARE WITH YOU THE MOST
EXCITING HOME-PROFIT ENTERPRISE
OF THE CENTURY.

EXCITING HOME-PROFIT ENTERPRISE
OF THE CENTURY.
YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,

OF THE CENTURY.
YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
THE SECRETS OF PROFESSIONAL

YES, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER,
THE SECRETS OF PROFESSIONAL
CHINCHILLA BREEDERS ARE

THE SECRETS OF PROFESSIONAL
CHINCHILLA BREEDERS ARE
AVAILABLE TO YOU THROUGH THIS

CHINCHILLA BREEDERS ARE
AVAILABLE TO YOU THROUGH THIS
AMAZING INTRODUCTORY OFFER FROM

AVAILABLE TO YOU THROUGH THIS
AMAZING INTRODUCTORY OFFER FROM
ROVCO.

AMAZING INTRODUCTORY OFFER FROM
ROVCO.
THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HOME

ROVCO.
THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HOME
CHINCHILLA-BREEDING KIT.

THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HOME
CHINCHILLA-BREEDING KIT.
COME ON, NOW, FELLAS.

CHINCHILLA-BREEDING KIT.
COME ON, NOW, FELLAS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE THE LADIES

COME ON, NOW, FELLAS.
HOW MANY TIMES HAVE THE LADIES
IN YOUR LIFE ASKED YOU FOR A

HOW MANY TIMES HAVE THE LADIES
IN YOUR LIFE ASKED YOU FOR A
CHINCHILLA COAT?

IN YOUR LIFE ASKED YOU FOR A
CHINCHILLA COAT?
YOU'VE HAD TO REPLY, "HONEY, I

CHINCHILLA COAT?
YOU'VE HAD TO REPLY, "HONEY, I
CAN'T AFFORD IT."

YOU'VE HAD TO REPLY, "HONEY, I
CAN'T AFFORD IT."
WELL, NOW WITH ROVCO'S

CAN'T AFFORD IT."
WELL, NOW WITH ROVCO'S
CHINCH RANCH, YOU AND YOUR

WELL, NOW WITH ROVCO'S
CHINCH RANCH, YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY CAN RAISE AND BREED THIS

CHINCH RANCH, YOU AND YOUR
FAMILY CAN RAISE AND BREED THIS
RARE AND VALUABLE SOUTH AMERICAN

FAMILY CAN RAISE AND BREED THIS
RARE AND VALUABLE SOUTH AMERICAN
RODENT RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME.

RARE AND VALUABLE SOUTH AMERICAN
RODENT RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME.
THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HAS ALL

RODENT RIGHT IN YOUR OWN HOME.
THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HAS ALL
THE ELEMENTS OF A PROFESSIONAL

THE ROVCO CHINCH RANCH HAS ALL
THE ELEMENTS OF A PROFESSIONAL
CHINCHILLA FARM.

THIS COMPACT PROFIT-MAKING

PACKAGE INCLUDES TWO HEALTHY

FIVE-WEEK-OLD CHINCHILLAS... ONE

MALE AND ONE FEMALE.

YOU ALSO GET THIS ROOMY

PREFABRICATED CHINCHILLA

HIGH-RISE WHERE YOUR CHINCHES

WILL BREED AND MATURE IN LESS

THAN A YEAR INTO BEAUTIFUL AND

VALUABLE CREATURES.

AND, FRIENDS, YOU WILL BE FULLY

EQUIPPED WHEN THE TIME COMES

BECAUSE ROVCO'S CHINCH RANCH

FEATURES THE PATENTED

CHINCH-KING CHINCH HARVESTER...

A BRAND-NEW ADVANCEMENT IN

CHINCHILLA-HIDE EXTRUSION.

ARE YOU SAYING, "I COULD NEVER

PERSONALLY SKIN A CHINCHILLA"?

WELL, LET'S JUST LET A COUPLE OF
ROVCO CHINCH RANCHERS SHOW US
HOW FAST AND EASY IT REALLY IS.

ROVCO CHINCH RANCHERS SHOW US
HOW FAST AND EASY IT REALLY IS.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

HOW FAST AND EASY IT REALLY IS.
[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
WHEN YOU REMOVE YOUR MATURE

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
WHEN YOU REMOVE YOUR MATURE
CHINCHES FROM THEIR HIGH-RISE

WHEN YOU REMOVE YOUR MATURE
CHINCHES FROM THEIR HIGH-RISE
HOME...

CHINCHES FROM THEIR HIGH-RISE
HOME...
SIMPLY USE THE PATENTED

HOME...
SIMPLY USE THE PATENTED
CHINCH-KING CHINCHILLA HARVESTER

SIMPLY USE THE PATENTED
CHINCH-KING CHINCHILLA HARVESTER
TO EXTRUDE THE RODENT'S

CHINCH-KING CHINCHILLA HARVESTER
TO EXTRUDE THE RODENT'S
BEAUTIFUL PELTS.

[MACHINE WHIRS]
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
THAT'S HOW FAST AND EASY IT

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
THAT'S HOW FAST AND EASY IT
REALLY IS.

THAT'S HOW FAST AND EASY IT
REALLY IS.
THEN YOU AT HOME CAN USE YOUR

REALLY IS.
THEN YOU AT HOME CAN USE YOUR
SEWING MACHINE TO FASHION THE

THEN YOU AT HOME CAN USE YOUR
SEWING MACHINE TO FASHION THE
PELTS INTO THE RARE AND

SEWING MACHINE TO FASHION THE
PELTS INTO THE RARE AND
MAGNIFICENT GARMENT YOU'VE

PELTS INTO THE RARE AND
MAGNIFICENT GARMENT YOU'VE
ALWAYS DREAMED OF OWNING.

MAGNIFICENT GARMENT YOU'VE
ALWAYS DREAMED OF OWNING.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?

ALWAYS DREAMED OF OWNING.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
AND FOR THE LIMITED TIME OF THIS

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL?
AND FOR THE LIMITED TIME OF THIS
TV OFFER ONLY, WE'VE BEEN

AND FOR THE LIMITED TIME OF THIS
TV OFFER ONLY, WE'VE BEEN
ALLOWED TO REVEAL THIS

TV OFFER ONLY, WE'VE BEEN
ALLOWED TO REVEAL THIS
ADDITIONAL PROFESSIONAL SECRET.

ALLOWED TO REVEAL THIS
ADDITIONAL PROFESSIONAL SECRET.
CHINCHILLA MEAT IS

ADDITIONAL PROFESSIONAL SECRET.
CHINCHILLA MEAT IS
A.D.I.A.-APPROVED FOR HUMAN

CHINCHILLA MEAT IS
A.D.I.A.-APPROVED FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.

A.D.I.A.-APPROVED FOR HUMAN
CONSUMPTION.
WOW! THAT'S GREAT CHINCH!

CONSUMPTION.
WOW! THAT'S GREAT CHINCH!
MMM.

WOW! THAT'S GREAT CHINCH!
MMM.
THIS CHINCH TASTES LIKE CHICKEN!

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WITH ROVCO.

[APPLAUSE]

HELLO!
CAN ANYBODY HELP ME?
OHH.

CAN ANYBODY HELP ME?
OHH.
Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER

OHH.
Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...

Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...
[GONG BANGS]

EPISODE OF...
[GONG BANGS]
"SAMURAI OPTOMETRIST."

[GONG BANGS]
"SAMURAI OPTOMETRIST."
[APPLAUSE]

"SAMURAI OPTOMETRIST."
[APPLAUSE]
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[APPLAUSE]
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, FINE, THANKS.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, FINE, THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU?

OH, FINE, THANKS.
HOW ARE YOU?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

HOW ARE YOU?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LISTEN, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LISTEN, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE
OPEN.

LISTEN, THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE
OPEN.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST SUNDAY

OPEN.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST SUNDAY
TIMES THAT WE'VE HAD IN ABOUT

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE FIRST SUNDAY
TIMES THAT WE'VE HAD IN ABOUT
THREE MONTHS, AND I HAVE TO

TIMES THAT WE'VE HAD IN ABOUT
THREE MONTHS, AND I HAVE TO
BREAK MY READING GLASSES.

THREE MONTHS, AND I HAVE TO
BREAK MY READING GLASSES.
OHH.

BREAK MY READING GLASSES.
OHH.
LOOK. MANGLED.

OHH.
LOOK. MANGLED.
LOOK AT THIS PAPER.

LOOK. MANGLED.
LOOK AT THIS PAPER.
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO

LOOK AT THIS PAPER.
ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO
PRINT!

ALL THE NEWS THAT'S FIT TO
PRINT!
BY GOLLY, I'VE MISSED THE TIMES.

PRINT!
BY GOLLY, I'VE MISSED THE TIMES.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIX THOSE

BY GOLLY, I'VE MISSED THE TIMES.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIX THOSE
GLASSES SO I CAN READ IT?

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN FIX THOSE
GLASSES SO I CAN READ IT?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

GLASSES SO I CAN READ IT?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DON'T? WELL...

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DON'T? WELL...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YOU DON'T? WELL...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, WHAT ABOUT NEW ONES?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, WHAT ABOUT NEW ONES?
CAN I HAVE NEW ONES MADE UP?

WELL, WHAT ABOUT NEW ONES?
CAN I HAVE NEW ONES MADE UP?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CAN I HAVE NEW ONES MADE UP?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
COSTS THAT MUCH, HUH?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
COSTS THAT MUCH, HUH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

COSTS THAT MUCH, HUH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LISTEN, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
LISTEN, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT
COSTS.

LISTEN, I DON'T CARE WHAT IT
COSTS.
IF I CAN WALK OUT OF HERE WITH A

COSTS.
IF I CAN WALK OUT OF HERE WITH A
PAIR OF GLASSES SO I CAN READ MY

IF I CAN WALK OUT OF HERE WITH A
PAIR OF GLASSES SO I CAN READ MY
PAPER...

PAIR OF GLASSES SO I CAN READ MY
PAPER...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

PAPER...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OKAY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT.
HAI!

ALL RIGHT.
HAI!
[SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AHA! OKAY.
WELL, I'VE GOT THESE GLASSES,
BUT I NEED THE READING ONES.

WELL, I'VE GOT THESE GLASSES,
BUT I NEED THE READING ONES.
I'VE GOT ALL THESE GREAT

BUT I NEED THE READING ONES.
I'VE GOT ALL THESE GREAT
JOURNALISTS WAITING FOR ME TO

I'VE GOT ALL THESE GREAT
JOURNALISTS WAITING FOR ME TO
READ THEM.

JOURNALISTS WAITING FOR ME TO
READ THEM.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

READ THEM.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
THE EYE CHART?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
THE EYE CHART?
YEAH?

THE EYE CHART?
YEAH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YEAH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH. OKAY.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH. OKAY.
WHICH ONE?

OH. OKAY.
WHICH ONE?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHICH ONE?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
E, F, P, T, O, Z.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
E, F, P, T, O, Z.
OOH!

E, F, P, T, O, Z.
OOH!
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OOH!
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.
E, F, P, T, O, L.

OKAY.
E, F, P, T, O, L.
UH-OH.

E, F, P, T, O, L.
UH-OH.
OH-OH.

UH-OH.
OH-OH.
WHAT? NOT SO GOOD?

OH-OH.
WHAT? NOT SO GOOD?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WHAT? NOT SO GOOD?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
REALLY BAD?

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
REALLY BAD?
MNH-MNH.

REALLY BAD?
MNH-MNH.
WELL, HOW BAD IS MY EYESIGHT?

MNH-MNH.
WELL, HOW BAD IS MY EYESIGHT?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WELL, HOW BAD IS MY EYESIGHT?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

ALL RIGHT.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
CUT THE CLOWNING, OKAY?

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
CUT THE CLOWNING, OKAY?
'CAUSE I NEED GLASSES.

CUT THE CLOWNING, OKAY?
'CAUSE I NEED GLASSES.
IF I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED,

'CAUSE I NEED GLASSES.
IF I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED,
I'LL GO TO SEE A COMEDIAN, NOT

IF I WANT TO BE ENTERTAINED,
I'LL GO TO SEE A COMEDIAN, NOT
AN OPTICIAN.

I'LL GO TO SEE A COMEDIAN, NOT
AN OPTICIAN.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AN OPTICIAN.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I SAID I'LL GO TO SEE A

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I SAID I'LL GO TO SEE A
COMEDIAN, NOT AN OPTICIAN.

I SAID I'LL GO TO SEE A
COMEDIAN, NOT AN OPTICIAN.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

COMEDIAN, NOT AN OPTICIAN.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HEY! NO! WAIT A MINUTE!

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HEY! NO! WAIT A MINUTE!
I-I'M SORRY.

HEY! NO! WAIT A MINUTE!
I-I'M SORRY.
I MEANT AN OPTOMETRIST.

I-I'M SORRY.
I MEANT AN OPTOMETRIST.
WHOO.

I MEANT AN OPTOMETRIST.
WHOO.
SORRY.

WHOO.
SORRY.
WHOO.

SORRY.
WHOO.
WHOO-WHOO.

WHOO.
WHOO-WHOO.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW WHAT I

WHOO-WHOO.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW WHAT I
MISS MORE THAN ANYTHING ABOUT

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW WHAT I
MISS MORE THAN ANYTHING ABOUT
THE SUNDAY TIMES?

MISS MORE THAN ANYTHING ABOUT
THE SUNDAY TIMES?
IT'LL SEEM STRANGE TO YOU.

THE SUNDAY TIMES?
IT'LL SEEM STRANGE TO YOU.
IT'S THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

IT'LL SEEM STRANGE TO YOU.
IT'S THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

IT'S THE CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH, CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH, CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
I MEAN, EVERY SUNDAY, USUALLY,

YEAH, CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
I MEAN, EVERY SUNDAY, USUALLY,
MY WIFE AND I LIE IN BED ALL

I MEAN, EVERY SUNDAY, USUALLY,
MY WIFE AND I LIE IN BED ALL
SUNDAY AND WE JUST DO THE

MY WIFE AND I LIE IN BED ALL
SUNDAY AND WE JUST DO THE
CROSSWORD PUZZLE.

SUNDAY AND WE JUST DO THE
CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
IT'S SO MUCH FUN.

CROSSWORD PUZZLE.
IT'S SO MUCH FUN.
BUT NOW WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PAPER

IT'S SO MUCH FUN.
BUT NOW WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PAPER
IN THREE MONTHS.

BUT NOW WE HAVEN'T HAD THE PAPER
IN THREE MONTHS.
WE'VE JUST HAD TO LIE THERE IN

IN THREE MONTHS.
WE'VE JUST HAD TO LIE THERE IN
BED, UH...

WE'VE JUST HAD TO LIE THERE IN
BED, UH...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

BED, UH...
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AAH.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
AAH.
ALL RIGHT.

AAH.
ALL RIGHT.
THOSE ARE THE RIGHT LENSES, HUH?

ALL RIGHT.
THOSE ARE THE RIGHT LENSES, HUH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THOSE ARE THE RIGHT LENSES, HUH?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OKAY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OKAY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
RIGHT.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, ARE THEY... ARE

RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, ARE THEY... ARE
THEY SHATTERPROOF?

ALL RIGHT, NOW, ARE THEY... ARE
THEY SHATTERPROOF?
HUH?

THEY SHATTERPROOF?
HUH?
ARE THE LENSES SHATTERPROOF?

HUH?
ARE THE LENSES SHATTERPROOF?
♪ DUM ♪

ARE THE LENSES SHATTERPROOF?
♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪

♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪

♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪
♪ DUM ♪

Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪
♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪

♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪

♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪
♪ DUM ♪

Both: ♪ SHATTERED ♪
♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪

♪ DUM ♪
♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
HAI!

♪ SHA-DOOBIE-DOOBIE-DOO ♪
HAI!
OH.

HAI!
OH.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OH.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, YEAH, I SEE.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, YEAH, I SEE.
WELL, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

OH, YEAH, I SEE.
WELL, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
♪ DA-DA, LA-DA-DA, DA-DA ♪

WELL, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
♪ DA-DA, LA-DA-DA, DA-DA ♪
NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE FRAMES?

♪ DA-DA, LA-DA-DA, DA-DA ♪
NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE FRAMES?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

NOW, WHAT ABOUT THE FRAMES?
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH.
I NEED SOMETHING... SOME REAL

YEAH.
I NEED SOMETHING... SOME REAL
NICE FRAMES.

I NEED SOMETHING... SOME REAL
NICE FRAMES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

NICE FRAMES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH, THEY'RE NICE, BUT, UH,

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YEAH, THEY'RE NICE, BUT, UH,
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING IN

YEAH, THEY'RE NICE, BUT, UH,
I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING IN
KIND OF FANCY TORTOISESHELL.

I WAS THINKING OF SOMETHING IN
KIND OF FANCY TORTOISESHELL.
THAT'S WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE.

KIND OF FANCY TORTOISESHELL.
THAT'S WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

THAT'S WHAT I'D REALLY LIKE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
NO, NO, NO.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
NO, NO, NO.
I-I DIDN'T WANT A TORTOISE.

NO, NO, NO.
I-I DIDN'T WANT A TORTOISE.
I WANT TORTOISESHELL FRAMES.

I-I DIDN'T WANT A TORTOISE.
I WANT TORTOISESHELL FRAMES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I WANT TORTOISESHELL FRAMES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YES.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
EXACTLY.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
EXACTLY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

EXACTLY.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HAI!

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HAI!
[SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

HAI!
[SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SINGS IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
JUST INCREDIBLE.

THAT'S INCREDIBLE.
JUST INCREDIBLE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

JUST INCREDIBLE.
[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DO FABULOUS WORK!

[SPEAKS FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DO FABULOUS WORK!
NOW, IF... IF ONLY THESE WERE

YOU DO FABULOUS WORK!
NOW, IF... IF ONLY THESE WERE
BIFOCALS!

NOW, IF... IF ONLY THESE WERE
BIFOCALS!
AHH.

BIFOCALS!
AHH.
HYAH!

AHH.
HYAH!
[GONG BANGS]

HYAH!
[GONG BANGS]
Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

[GONG BANGS]
Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF

Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF
"SAMURAI OPTOMETRIST."

FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF
"SAMURAI OPTOMETRIST."
[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]

COME ON! COME ON! COME ON!
LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
YOU KNOW I HATE... I HATE

LET'S GO! LET'S GO!
YOU KNOW I HATE... I HATE
MISSING THE BEGINNING OF MOVIES.

YOU KNOW I HATE... I HATE
MISSING THE BEGINNING OF MOVIES.
YOU KNOW THAT.

MISSING THE BEGINNING OF MOVIES.
YOU KNOW THAT.
NOW, LET'S GO.

YOU KNOW THAT.
NOW, LET'S GO.
OKAY.

NOW, LET'S GO.
OKAY.
LET'S SEE "FOUL PLAY."

OKAY.
LET'S SEE "FOUL PLAY."
I'M REALLY DYING TO SEE THAT NEW

LET'S SEE "FOUL PLAY."
I'M REALLY DYING TO SEE THAT NEW
YOUNG COMEDIAN THAT FALLS DOWN.

I'M REALLY DYING TO SEE THAT NEW
YOUNG COMEDIAN THAT FALLS DOWN.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE.

YOUNG COMEDIAN THAT FALLS DOWN.
YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
WELL, I HOPE YOUR FRIEND ROY

YEAH, YEAH, SURE.
WELL, I HOPE YOUR FRIEND ROY
GETS HERE SOON, BECAUSE WE'RE

WELL, I HOPE YOUR FRIEND ROY
GETS HERE SOON, BECAUSE WE'RE
GONNA MISS THE BEGINNING.

GETS HERE SOON, BECAUSE WE'RE
GONNA MISS THE BEGINNING.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST

GONNA MISS THE BEGINNING.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST
ROY FOGUL?

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT AGAINST
ROY FOGUL?
I DON'T KNOW.

ROY FOGUL?
I DON'T KNOW.
ANY 5-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO...

I DON'T KNOW.
ANY 5-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO...
OR 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO, YOU

ANY 5-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO...
OR 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO, YOU
KNOW, HAS NOTHING TO DO BUT

OR 45-YEAR-OLD BACHELOR WHO, YOU
KNOW, HAS NOTHING TO DO BUT
BABYSIT... I JUST THINK IT'S

KNOW, HAS NOTHING TO DO BUT
BABYSIT... I JUST THINK IT'S
KIND OF WEIRD, THAT'S ALL.

BABYSIT... I JUST THINK IT'S
KIND OF WEIRD, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, ANYWAY, THE KIDS ADORE

KIND OF WEIRD, THAT'S ALL.
WELL, ANYWAY, THE KIDS ADORE
HIM.

WELL, ANYWAY, THE KIDS ADORE
HIM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HIM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
YEAH.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
YEAH.
HI, ROY. COME ON IN.

YEAH.
HI, ROY. COME ON IN.
HI, FOLKS!

HI, ROY. COME ON IN.
HI, FOLKS!
OH, YOU KNOW, ARTHUR AND I

HI, FOLKS!
OH, YOU KNOW, ARTHUR AND I
REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING

OH, YOU KNOW, ARTHUR AND I
REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING
OVER AT THE LAST MINUTE.

REALLY APPRECIATE YOU COMING
OVER AT THE LAST MINUTE.
OH, IT'S MY PLEASURE.

OVER AT THE LAST MINUTE.
OH, IT'S MY PLEASURE.
I LOVE BABYSITTING.

OH, IT'S MY PLEASURE.
I LOVE BABYSITTING.
THE KIDS ARE READY FOR BED,

I LOVE BABYSITTING.
THE KIDS ARE READY FOR BED,
BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULD STAY

THE KIDS ARE READY FOR BED,
BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULD STAY
UP ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES TO SAY

BUT I TOLD THEM THEY COULD STAY
UP ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES TO SAY
HELLO TO THEIR UNCLE ROY.

UP ANOTHER FIVE MINUTES TO SAY
HELLO TO THEIR UNCLE ROY.
AW, SWELL.

HELLO TO THEIR UNCLE ROY.
AW, SWELL.
KIDS, GUESS WHO'S HERE!

AW, SWELL.
KIDS, GUESS WHO'S HERE!
I'M GONNA GO WARM UP THE

KIDS, GUESS WHO'S HERE!
I'M GONNA GO WARM UP THE
WAGON.

I'M GONNA GO WARM UP THE
WAGON.
UNCLE ROY!

WAGON.
UNCLE ROY!
UNCLE ROY!

UNCLE ROY!
UNCLE ROY!
YAY!

UNCLE ROY!
YAY!
UNCLE ROY!

YAY!
UNCLE ROY!
TRACY, TERRI, FIVE MINUTES

UNCLE ROY!
TRACY, TERRI, FIVE MINUTES
AND THEN YOU GO TO BED!

TRACY, TERRI, FIVE MINUTES
AND THEN YOU GO TO BED!
DON'T BOTHER UNCLE ROY.

AND THEN YOU GO TO BED!
DON'T BOTHER UNCLE ROY.
GOODBYE, KIDS. GOODBYE.

DON'T BOTHER UNCLE ROY.
GOODBYE, KIDS. GOODBYE.
GOODBYE! HAVE A GOOD TIME!

GOODBYE, KIDS. GOODBYE.
GOODBYE! HAVE A GOOD TIME!
DON'T HURRY BACK!

GOODBYE! HAVE A GOOD TIME!
DON'T HURRY BACK!
WE'RE JUST FINE!

DON'T HURRY BACK!
WE'RE JUST FINE!
UNCLE ROY, WHAT DID YOU BRING

WE'RE JUST FINE!
UNCLE ROY, WHAT DID YOU BRING
US?

UNCLE ROY, WHAT DID YOU BRING
US?
AH!

US?
AH!
UNCLE ROY'S GOT A SURPRISE FOR

AH!
UNCLE ROY'S GOT A SURPRISE FOR
YOU.

UNCLE ROY'S GOT A SURPRISE FOR
YOU.
WHAT IS IT?! WE WANT TO KNOW!

YOU.
WHAT IS IT?! WE WANT TO KNOW!
YEAH!

WHAT IS IT?! WE WANT TO KNOW!
YEAH!
WELL, IT'S A BURIED TREASURE.

YEAH!
WELL, IT'S A BURIED TREASURE.
IS IT BURIED IN THE LAWN?!

WELL, IT'S A BURIED TREASURE.
IS IT BURIED IN THE LAWN?!
NO, IT'S BURIED ON UNCLE ROY.

IS IT BURIED IN THE LAWN?!
NO, IT'S BURIED ON UNCLE ROY.
WHERE IS IT?!

NO, IT'S BURIED ON UNCLE ROY.
WHERE IS IT?!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]

WHERE IS IT?!
[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
THAT'S IT, KIDS.

[INDISTINCT SHOUTING]
THAT'S IT, KIDS.
WORK THE PANTS. WORK THE PANTS.

THAT'S IT, KIDS.
WORK THE PANTS. WORK THE PANTS.
THAT'S IT.

WORK THE PANTS. WORK THE PANTS.
THAT'S IT.
YES! YOU'RE GETTING HOT!

THAT'S IT.
YES! YOU'RE GETTING HOT!
YOU'RE GETTING HOT!

YES! YOU'RE GETTING HOT!
YOU'RE GETTING HOT!
IT'S JUJUBES IN HIS FRONT

YOU'RE GETTING HOT!
IT'S JUJUBES IN HIS FRONT
POCKET!

IT'S JUJUBES IN HIS FRONT
POCKET!
OH, BOY! YAY! JUJUBES!

POCKET!
OH, BOY! YAY! JUJUBES!
OH! DO A MAGIC TRICK, UNCLE ROY.

OH, BOY! YAY! JUJUBES!
OH! DO A MAGIC TRICK, UNCLE ROY.
OH, A MAGIC TRICK.

OH! DO A MAGIC TRICK, UNCLE ROY.
OH, A MAGIC TRICK.
OKAY. LET'S SEE, NOW.

OH, A MAGIC TRICK.
OKAY. LET'S SEE, NOW.
HERE'S A NICKEL.

OKAY. LET'S SEE, NOW.
HERE'S A NICKEL.
AND HERE'S A DIME.

HERE'S A NICKEL.
AND HERE'S A DIME.
YEAH.

AND HERE'S A DIME.
YEAH.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE NICKEL

YEAH.
I'M GOING TO TAKE THE NICKEL
AND MAKE IT DISAPPEAR!

I'M GOING TO TAKE THE NICKEL
AND MAKE IT DISAPPEAR!
OH! YAY, UNCLE ROY!

AND MAKE IT DISAPPEAR!
OH! YAY, UNCLE ROY!
AND HERE'S THE DIME.

OH! YAY, UNCLE ROY!
AND HERE'S THE DIME.
AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT MAKE IT

AND HERE'S THE DIME.
AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT MAKE IT
DISAPPEAR!

AND I'M GOING TO TAKE IT MAKE IT
DISAPPEAR!
RUBBY-DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,

DISAPPEAR!
RUBBY-DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,
DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,

RUBBY-DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,
DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,
DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY...

DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY,
DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY...
HEY!

DUBBY, DUBBY, DUBBY...
HEY!
LISTEN!

HEY!
LISTEN!
I'M A MAGICIAN, TOO!

LISTEN!
I'M A MAGICIAN, TOO!
I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR!

I'M A MAGICIAN, TOO!
I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR!
OH!

I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR!
OH!
ISN'T THAT NICE!

OH!
ISN'T THAT NICE!
UNCLE ROY! LOOK AT ME!

ISN'T THAT NICE!
UNCLE ROY! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!

UNCLE ROY! LOOK AT ME!
LOOK AT ME!
I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR,

LOOK AT ME!
I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR,
TOO!

I CAN MAKE MY FACE DISAPPEAR,
TOO!
YOU HOLD THAT!

TOO!
YOU HOLD THAT!
OKAY!

YOU HOLD THAT!
OKAY!
THAT IS FANTASTIC!

OKAY!
THAT IS FANTASTIC!
THAT'S GOOD MAGIC!

THAT IS FANTASTIC!
THAT'S GOOD MAGIC!
THAT'S GOOD, GIRLS!

THAT'S GOOD MAGIC!
THAT'S GOOD, GIRLS!
YEAH!

THAT'S GOOD, GIRLS!
YEAH!
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

YEAH!
OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, YOUR... YOUR TRICK

OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.
YOU KNOW, YOUR... YOUR TRICK
REMINDS ME THAT IT'S... IT'S

YOU KNOW, YOUR... YOUR TRICK
REMINDS ME THAT IT'S... IT'S
WASHDAY TODAY!

REMINDS ME THAT IT'S... IT'S
WASHDAY TODAY!
WASHDAY.

WASHDAY TODAY!
WASHDAY.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GO ON

WASHDAY.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GO ON
UPSTAIRS AND BRING UNCLE ROY ALL

SO WHY DON'T YOU GIRLS GO ON
UPSTAIRS AND BRING UNCLE ROY ALL
YOUR DIRTY LITTLE THINGS?

UPSTAIRS AND BRING UNCLE ROY ALL
YOUR DIRTY LITTLE THINGS?
OKAY!

YOUR DIRTY LITTLE THINGS?
OKAY!
YAY! UNCLE ROY!

OKAY!
YAY! UNCLE ROY!
HERE THEY ARE, UNCLE ROY!

YAY! UNCLE ROY!
HERE THEY ARE, UNCLE ROY!
THAT'S IT!

HERE THEY ARE, UNCLE ROY!
THAT'S IT!
YES!

THAT'S IT!
YES!
LITTLER THINGS! DIRTIER THINGS!

YES!
LITTLER THINGS! DIRTIER THINGS!
THAT'S IT!

LITTLER THINGS! DIRTIER THINGS!
THAT'S IT!
OH, YES!

THAT'S IT!
OH, YES!
HERE, UNCLE ROY!

OH, YES!
HERE, UNCLE ROY!
OH! OH, THAT'S NICE.

HERE, UNCLE ROY!
OH! OH, THAT'S NICE.
THANK YOU. THAT'S SWELL.

OH! OH, THAT'S NICE.
THANK YOU. THAT'S SWELL.
NOW, COME ON.

THANK YOU. THAT'S SWELL.
NOW, COME ON.
WHY DON'T YOU... WHY DON'T YOU

NOW, COME ON.
WHY DON'T YOU... WHY DON'T YOU
POLISH THE BANISTER?

WHY DON'T YOU... WHY DON'T YOU
POLISH THE BANISTER?
COME ON NOW.

POLISH THE BANISTER?
COME ON NOW.
OKAY.

COME ON NOW.
OKAY.
YEAH!

OKAY.
YEAH!
THAT'S A GIRL!

YEAH!
THAT'S A GIRL!
UNCLE ROY!

THAT'S A GIRL!
UNCLE ROY!
HERE'S MY FRIEND KATRINKA!

UNCLE ROY!
HERE'S MY FRIEND KATRINKA!
HI, KATRINKA!

HERE'S MY FRIEND KATRINKA!
HI, KATRINKA!
SHE CAN SLIDE DOWN THE

HI, KATRINKA!
SHE CAN SLIDE DOWN THE
BANISTER, TOO.

SHE CAN SLIDE DOWN THE
BANISTER, TOO.
COME ON, KATRINKA!

BANISTER, TOO.
COME ON, KATRINKA!
COME ON, KATRINKA!

COME ON, KATRINKA!
COME ON, KATRINKA!
YAY!

COME ON, KATRINKA!
YAY!
Both: YAY!

YAY!
Both: YAY!
OH, THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC.

Both: YAY!
OH, THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC.
I FORGOT MY PURSE.

OH, THAT'S JUST FANTASTIC.
I FORGOT MY PURSE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?

I FORGOT MY PURSE.
CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[Laughing] I DON'T KNOW WHAT

CAN YOU BELIEVE IT?
[Laughing] I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D...

[Laughing] I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D...
OH, MOMMY!

I'D...
OH, MOMMY!
UNCLE ROY WAS JUST HELPING US DO

OH, MOMMY!
UNCLE ROY WAS JUST HELPING US DO
THE LAUNDRY!

UNCLE ROY WAS JUST HELPING US DO
THE LAUNDRY!
YEAH, RIGHT, AS A SURPRISE

THE LAUNDRY!
YEAH, RIGHT, AS A SURPRISE
FOR YOU, MOM!

YEAH, RIGHT, AS A SURPRISE
FOR YOU, MOM!
ROY, YOU'RE TOO GOOD.

FOR YOU, MOM!
ROY, YOU'RE TOO GOOD.
HONEST.

ROY, YOU'RE TOO GOOD.
HONEST.
[CHUCKLES]

HONEST.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP
OUT.

WELL, I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP
OUT.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO

OUT.
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
THAT.

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO DO
THAT.
GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE IN BED BY

THAT.
GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE IN BED BY
NOW!

GIRLS, YOU SHOULD BE IN BED BY
NOW!
WE KNOW.

NOW!
WE KNOW.
OKAY.

WE KNOW.
OKAY.
SILLY ME.

OKAY.
SILLY ME.
I'D FORGET MY HEAD IF IT WASN'T

SILLY ME.
I'D FORGET MY HEAD IF IT WASN'T
ATTACHED TO MY SHOULDERS.

I'D FORGET MY HEAD IF IT WASN'T
ATTACHED TO MY SHOULDERS.
OKAY.

ATTACHED TO MY SHOULDERS.
OKAY.
NOW, YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT

OKAY.
NOW, YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT
EVERYTHING THIS TIME?

NOW, YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT
EVERYTHING THIS TIME?
YOU'VE GOT YOUR GLOVES, YOUR

EVERYTHING THIS TIME?
YOU'VE GOT YOUR GLOVES, YOUR
GLASSES, YOUR KEYS... CERTS?

YOU'VE GOT YOUR GLOVES, YOUR
GLASSES, YOUR KEYS... CERTS?
YEAH, I THINK SO.

GLASSES, YOUR KEYS... CERTS?
YEAH, I THINK SO.
THANKS AGAIN, ROY.

YEAH, I THINK SO.
THANKS AGAIN, ROY.
SURE.

THANKS AGAIN, ROY.
SURE.
BYE-BYE.

SURE.
BYE-BYE.
TAKE YOUR TIME.

BYE-BYE.
TAKE YOUR TIME.
ENJOY YOURSELF.

TAKE YOUR TIME.
ENJOY YOURSELF.
BYE, MOM. WE'RE GOING TO BED.

ENJOY YOURSELF.
BYE, MOM. WE'RE GOING TO BED.
RIGHT. NOT.

BYE, MOM. WE'RE GOING TO BED.
RIGHT. NOT.
OKAY.

RIGHT. NOT.
OKAY.
GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS NOW.

OKAY.
GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS NOW.
WHAT TIME?

GUESS WHAT TIME IT IS NOW.
WHAT TIME?
OH!

WHAT TIME?
OH!
"UNDRESS DOLLY WITH THE VACUUM

OH!
"UNDRESS DOLLY WITH THE VACUUM
CLEANER" TIME?

"UNDRESS DOLLY WITH THE VACUUM
CLEANER" TIME?
OH, NO, NO.

CLEANER" TIME?
OH, NO, NO.
THAT WAS LAST WEEK.

OH, NO, NO.
THAT WAS LAST WEEK.
IT'S TIME TO PLAY HORSEY!

THAT WAS LAST WEEK.
IT'S TIME TO PLAY HORSEY!
Both: YAY!

IT'S TIME TO PLAY HORSEY!
Both: YAY!
DIBS!

Both: YAY!
DIBS!
I GOT DIBS ON MISTY!

DIBS!
I GOT DIBS ON MISTY!
SADDLE UP!

I GOT DIBS ON MISTY!
SADDLE UP!
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!

SADDLE UP!
THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
HERE, LET ME TIGHTEN THOSE

THAT'S THE SPIRIT!
HERE, LET ME TIGHTEN THOSE
STIRRUPS.

HERE, LET ME TIGHTEN THOSE
STIRRUPS.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU BE THE

STIRRUPS.
OH, WHY DON'T YOU BE THE
HORSEY, UNCLE ROY?

OH, WHY DON'T YOU BE THE
HORSEY, UNCLE ROY?
RIGHT.

HORSEY, UNCLE ROY?
RIGHT.
UNCLE ROY BE THE HORSEY?

RIGHT.
UNCLE ROY BE THE HORSEY?
POSSIBLY.

UNCLE ROY BE THE HORSEY?
POSSIBLY.
NO, NO.

POSSIBLY.
NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, UNCLE ROY'S PRETTY OLD

NO, NO.
YOU KNOW, UNCLE ROY'S PRETTY OLD
FOR THAT.

YOU KNOW, UNCLE ROY'S PRETTY OLD
FOR THAT.
HE'D RATHER JUST WATCH.

FOR THAT.
HE'D RATHER JUST WATCH.
[CHUCKLES]

HE'D RATHER JUST WATCH.
[CHUCKLES]
OKAY! THE RACE IS GONNA BEGIN!

[CHUCKLES]
OKAY! THE RACE IS GONNA BEGIN!
AND BANG! THEY'RE OFF!

OKAY! THE RACE IS GONNA BEGIN!
AND BANG! THEY'RE OFF!
[IMITATING HORSE-RACE

AND BANG! THEY'RE OFF!
[IMITATING HORSE-RACE
ANNOUNCER]

[IMITATING HORSE-RACE
ANNOUNCER]
OH, LOOKS LIKE MISTY'S MOVING

[ANNOUNCER]
OH, LOOKS LIKE MISTY'S MOVING
INTO AN EARLY LEAD.

OH, LOOKS LIKE MISTY'S MOVING
INTO AN EARLY LEAD.
BLACKY'S GAINING ON HIM.

INTO AN EARLY LEAD.
BLACKY'S GAINING ON HIM.
IT'S MISTY!

BLACKY'S GAINING ON HIM.
IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!

IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!

IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!

IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!

IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!

IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!

IT'S BLACKY!
IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!

IT'S MISTY!
IT'S BLACKY!
AND IT'S A PHOTO FINISH!

IT'S BLACKY!
AND IT'S A PHOTO FINISH!
YEAH?!

AND IT'S A PHOTO FINISH!
YEAH?!
YEAH?!

YEAH?!
YEAH?!
WHO WON?!

YEAH?!
WHO WON?!
UH... UH, IT'S A... IT'S A

WHO WON?!
UH... UH, IT'S A... IT'S A
TIE.

UH... UH, IT'S A... IT'S A
TIE.
Both: OH.

TIE.
Both: OH.
[GROWLS]

Both: OH.
[GROWLS]
Both: IT'S RUFFY!

[GROWLS]
Both: IT'S RUFFY!
[BARKING]

Both: IT'S RUFFY!
[BARKING]
RUFFY, FETCH!

[BARKING]
RUFFY, FETCH!
GO, RUFFY! GET THE SLIPPER!

RUFFY, FETCH!
GO, RUFFY! GET THE SLIPPER!
HERE, RUFFY!

GO, RUFFY! GET THE SLIPPER!
HERE, RUFFY!
RUFFY, SIT UP AND BEG!

HERE, RUFFY!
RUFFY, SIT UP AND BEG!
SIT UP AND BEG!

RUFFY, SIT UP AND BEG!
SIT UP AND BEG!
LIKE THAT, RUFFY!

SIT UP AND BEG!
LIKE THAT, RUFFY!
RUFFY, DON'T GO ON THE COUCH!

LIKE THAT, RUFFY!
RUFFY, DON'T GO ON THE COUCH!
YOU SHOULDN'T GO ON THE COUCH!

RUFFY, DON'T GO ON THE COUCH!
YOU SHOULDN'T GO ON THE COUCH!
OH, RUFFY!

YOU SHOULDN'T GO ON THE COUCH!
OH, RUFFY!
BAD DOG, RUFFY!

OH, RUFFY!
BAD DOG, RUFFY!
BAD DOG!

BAD DOG, RUFFY!
BAD DOG!
BAD, BAD, BAD DOG!

BAD DOG!
BAD, BAD, BAD DOG!
RUFFY HAS TO GO IN THE COAT

BAD, BAD, BAD DOG!
RUFFY HAS TO GO IN THE COAT
CLOSET!

RUFFY HAS TO GO IN THE COAT
CLOSET!
HE WAS SO BAD!

CLOSET!
HE WAS SO BAD!
BAD DOG!

HE WAS SO BAD!
BAD DOG!
HE HAS TO GO IN THE COAT

BAD DOG!
HE HAS TO GO IN THE COAT
CLOSET!

HE HAS TO GO IN THE COAT
CLOSET!
THERE YOU GO, RUFFY!

CLOSET!
THERE YOU GO, RUFFY!
GET IN THERE, RUFF!

THERE YOU GO, RUFFY!
GET IN THERE, RUFF!
[BOTH LAUGHING]

GET IN THERE, RUFF!
[BOTH LAUGHING]
TRACY, ARE YOU HAVING FUN?

[BOTH LAUGHING]
TRACY, ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
ARE YOU?

TRACY, ARE YOU HAVING FUN?
ARE YOU?
YEAH!

ARE YOU?
YEAH!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

YEAH!
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
RUFFY'S GOT TO ANSWER THE

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
RUFFY'S GOT TO ANSWER THE
PHONE!

RUFFY'S GOT TO ANSWER THE
PHONE!
[LAUGHS]

PHONE!
[LAUGHS]
HELLO.

[LAUGHS]
HELLO.
IT'S... OH, HELLO. YES, YES.

HELLO.
IT'S... OH, HELLO. YES, YES.
YEAH, NO, NO.

IT'S... OH, HELLO. YES, YES.
YEAH, NO, NO.
OH, THEY'RE SOUND ASLEEP.

YEAH, NO, NO.
OH, THEY'RE SOUND ASLEEP.
YOU'RE NOT GOING... YOU'RE

OH, THEY'RE SOUND ASLEEP.
YOU'RE NOT GOING... YOU'RE
COMING HOME?

YOU'RE NOT GOING... YOU'RE
COMING HOME?
JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE

COMING HOME?
JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE
FIRST FIVE MINUTES... I...

JUST BECAUSE YOU MISSED THE
FIRST FIVE MINUTES... I...
NO, NO, OF COURSE.

FIRST FIVE MINUTES... I...
NO, NO, OF COURSE.
COME ON... COME HOME!

NO, NO, OF COURSE.
COME ON... COME HOME!
AFTER ALL, IT'S YOUR HOUSE!

COME ON... COME HOME!
AFTER ALL, IT'S YOUR HOUSE!
THEY'RE YOUR KIDS.

AFTER ALL, IT'S YOUR HOUSE!
THEY'RE YOUR KIDS.
SEE YOU SOON!

THEY'RE YOUR KIDS.
SEE YOU SOON!
BYE!

SEE YOU SOON!
BYE!
COME ON, UNCLE ROY, LET'S

BYE!
COME ON, UNCLE ROY, LET'S
PLAY SOME MORE.

COME ON, UNCLE ROY, LET'S
PLAY SOME MORE.
YEAH.

PLAY SOME MORE.
YEAH.
UNCLE ROY.

YEAH.
UNCLE ROY.
YEAH?

UNCLE ROY.
YEAH?
HOW COME... HOW COME YOU

YEAH?
HOW COME... HOW COME YOU
NEVER GOT MARRIED AND HAD

HOW COME... HOW COME YOU
NEVER GOT MARRIED AND HAD
BABIES?

NEVER GOT MARRIED AND HAD
BABIES?
I DON'T KNOW, TRACY.

BABIES?
I DON'T KNOW, TRACY.
SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I THINK

I DON'T KNOW, TRACY.
SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I THINK
THE WOMAN I'M GOING TO MARRY

SOMETIMES... SOMETIMES I THINK
THE WOMAN I'M GOING TO MARRY
HASN'T BEEN BORN YET... OR MAYBE

THE WOMAN I'M GOING TO MARRY
HASN'T BEEN BORN YET... OR MAYBE
JUST IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.

HASN'T BEEN BORN YET... OR MAYBE
JUST IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.
ANYWAY, YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY ARE

JUST IN THE LAST FEW YEARS.
ANYWAY, YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY ARE
GOING TO BE HOME SOON, SO SCOOT

ANYWAY, YOUR MOMMY AND DADDY ARE
GOING TO BE HOME SOON, SO SCOOT
ALONG, THE TWO OF YOU!

GOING TO BE HOME SOON, SO SCOOT
ALONG, THE TWO OF YOU!
GET ON UP TO BED.

ALONG, THE TWO OF YOU!
GET ON UP TO BED.
I DON'T WANT TO.

GET ON UP TO BED.
I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M NOT SLEEPY.

I DON'T WANT TO.
I'M NOT SLEEPY.
NOW, DON'T WORRY.

I'M NOT SLEEPY.
NOW, DON'T WORRY.
UNCLE ROY WILL BE BACK NEXT

NOW, DON'T WORRY.
UNCLE ROY WILL BE BACK NEXT
WEEK, AND WE CAN ALL GIVE RUFFY

UNCLE ROY WILL BE BACK NEXT
WEEK, AND WE CAN ALL GIVE RUFFY
A NICE TICK BATH.

WEEK, AND WE CAN ALL GIVE RUFFY
A NICE TICK BATH.
OH, YEAH! OKAY!

A NICE TICK BATH.
OH, YEAH! OKAY!
GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE ROY!

OH, YEAH! OKAY!
GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE ROY!
RUN ALONG.

GOOD NIGHT, UNCLE ROY!
RUN ALONG.
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ANGELS.

RUN ALONG.
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ANGELS.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE ANGELS.
GOOD NIGHT.
SWEET DREAMS.

GOOD NIGHT.
SWEET DREAMS.
THANK YOU!

[APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["CASEY JONES" PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["CASEY JONES" PLAYS]
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪

["CASEY JONES" PLAYS]
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪

♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER

♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪

♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪

WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪

♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION

♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪
♪ THIS OLD ENGINE

JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪
♪ THIS OLD ENGINE
MAKES IT ON TIME ♪

♪ THIS OLD ENGINE
MAKES IT ON TIME ♪
♪ LEAVES CENTRAL STATION

MAKES IT ON TIME ♪
♪ LEAVES CENTRAL STATION
A QUARTER TO NINE ♪

♪ LEAVES CENTRAL STATION
A QUARTER TO NINE ♪
♪ HITS RIVER JUNCTION 17 TO ♪

A QUARTER TO NINE ♪
♪ HITS RIVER JUNCTION 17 TO ♪
♪ AT A QUARTER TO 10, YOU KNOW

♪ HITS RIVER JUNCTION 17 TO ♪
♪ AT A QUARTER TO 10, YOU KNOW
IT'S TRAVELIN' AGAIN ♪

♪ AT A QUARTER TO 10, YOU KNOW
IT'S TRAVELIN' AGAIN ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪

IT'S TRAVELIN' AGAIN ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪

♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER

♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪

♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪

WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪

♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION

♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪

JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ OH, LADY IN RED ♪

♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ OH, LADY IN RED ♪
♪ TAKE MY ADVICE ♪

♪ OH, LADY IN RED ♪
♪ TAKE MY ADVICE ♪
♪ YOU'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD ♪

♪ TAKE MY ADVICE ♪
♪ YOU'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD ♪
♪ SWITCHMAN'S SLEEPING ♪

♪ YOU'D BE BETTER OFF DEAD ♪
♪ SWITCHMAN'S SLEEPING ♪
♪ TRAIN 102 IS ON THE WRONG

♪ SWITCHMAN'S SLEEPING ♪
♪ TRAIN 102 IS ON THE WRONG
TRACK AND HEADED FOR YOU ♪

♪ TRAIN 102 IS ON THE WRONG
TRACK AND HEADED FOR YOU ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪

TRACK AND HEADED FOR YOU ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪

♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER

♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪

♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪

WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪

♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION

♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MIND ♪

♪ TROUBLE WITH YOU
IS THE TROUBLE WITH ME ♪
♪ GOT TWO GOOD EYES,

IS THE TROUBLE WITH ME ♪
♪ GOT TWO GOOD EYES,
BUT WE STILL DON'T SEE ♪

♪ GOT TWO GOOD EYES,
BUT WE STILL DON'T SEE ♪
♪ COME 'ROUND THE BEND ♪

BUT WE STILL DON'T SEE ♪
♪ COME 'ROUND THE BEND ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S THE END ♪

♪ COME 'ROUND THE BEND ♪
♪ YOU KNOW IT'S THE END ♪
♪ THE FIREMAN SCREAMS

♪ YOU KNOW IT'S THE END ♪
♪ THE FIREMAN SCREAMS
AND THE ENGINE JUST GLEAMS ♪

♪ THE FIREMAN SCREAMS
AND THE ENGINE JUST GLEAMS ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪

AND THE ENGINE JUST GLEAMS ♪
♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪

♪ DRIVING THAT TRAIN ♪
♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER

♪ HIGH ON COCAINE ♪
♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪

♪ CASEY JONES, YOU BETTER
WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪

WATCH YOUR SPEED ♪
♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪

♪ TROUBLE AHEAD ♪
♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION

♪ TROUBLE BEHIND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MI-I-I-ND ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY MI-I-I-ND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION

JUST CROSSED MY MI-I-I-ND ♪
♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY ♪

♪ AND YOU KNOW THAT NOTION
JUST CROSSED MY ♪
♪ MI-I-I-ND ♪

JUST CROSSED MY ♪
♪ MI-I-I-ND ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CHAFE BOY-R-DEE... THE RAVIOLI

BROUGHT TO YOU BY
CHAFE BOY-R-DEE... THE RAVIOLI
YOU SPRINKLE ON ITCHY ITALIANS.

CHAFE BOY-R-DEE... THE RAVIOLI
YOU SPRINKLE ON ITCHY ITALIANS.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

YOU SPRINKLE ON ITCHY ITALIANS.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
U.S. OFFICIALS FEAR THAT ISRAEL

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
U.S. OFFICIALS FEAR THAT ISRAEL
AND EGYPT WILL BREAK OFF THEIR

U.S. OFFICIALS FEAR THAT ISRAEL
AND EGYPT WILL BREAK OFF THEIR
TREATY NEGOTIATIONS, RUINING

AND EGYPT WILL BREAK OFF THEIR
TREATY NEGOTIATIONS, RUINING
PRESIDENT CARTER'S CAMP DAVID

TREATY NEGOTIATIONS, RUINING
PRESIDENT CARTER'S CAMP DAVID
PEACE INITIATIVE.

PRESIDENT CARTER'S CAMP DAVID
PEACE INITIATIVE.
NOBEL PRIZE OFFICIALS SAY THAT

PEACE INITIATIVE.
NOBEL PRIZE OFFICIALS SAY THAT
IF THE TALKS BREAK OFF,

NOBEL PRIZE OFFICIALS SAY THAT
IF THE TALKS BREAK OFF,
MENACHEM BEGIN AND ANWAR SADAT

IF THE TALKS BREAK OFF,
MENACHEM BEGIN AND ANWAR SADAT
WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP THEIR

MENACHEM BEGIN AND ANWAR SADAT
WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP THEIR
NOBEL PRIZES.

WILL HAVE TO GIVE UP THEIR
NOBEL PRIZES.
AND WHO WILL IT GO TO?

NOBEL PRIZES.
AND WHO WILL IT GO TO?
WE UNDERSTAND EITHER YANKEE

AND WHO WILL IT GO TO?
WE UNDERSTAND EITHER YANKEE
PITCHER RON GUIDRY OR BOSTON

WE UNDERSTAND EITHER YANKEE
PITCHER RON GUIDRY OR BOSTON
OUTFIELDER JIM RICE.

PITCHER RON GUIDRY OR BOSTON
OUTFIELDER JIM RICE.
IT SHOULD BE A CLOSE ONE.

OUTFIELDER JIM RICE.
IT SHOULD BE A CLOSE ONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT SHOULD BE A CLOSE ONE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ROCK SUPERSTAR ELTON JOHN WAS IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ROCK SUPERSTAR ELTON JOHN WAS IN
A LONDON HOSPITAL THIS WEEK

ROCK SUPERSTAR ELTON JOHN WAS IN
A LONDON HOSPITAL THIS WEEK
AFTER COLLAPSING AT HIS HOME.

A LONDON HOSPITAL THIS WEEK
AFTER COLLAPSING AT HIS HOME.
JOHN, AN ADMITTED BISEXUAL, HAD

AFTER COLLAPSING AT HIS HOME.
JOHN, AN ADMITTED BISEXUAL, HAD
BEEN COMPLAINING OF AN ACHING

JOHN, AN ADMITTED BISEXUAL, HAD
BEEN COMPLAINING OF AN ACHING
PROSTATE GLAND AND MENSTRUAL

BEEN COMPLAINING OF AN ACHING
PROSTATE GLAND AND MENSTRUAL
CRAMPS.

PROSTATE GLAND AND MENSTRUAL
CRAMPS.
[LAUGHTER]

CRAMPS.
[LAUGHTER]
THE UNITED STATES CENSUS BUREAU

[LAUGHTER]
THE UNITED STATES CENSUS BUREAU
ANNOUNCED THAT THE 1980 CENSUS

THE UNITED STATES CENSUS BUREAU
ANNOUNCED THAT THE 1980 CENSUS
IS UNDER WAY AND IT WILL COST

ANNOUNCED THAT THE 1980 CENSUS
IS UNDER WAY AND IT WILL COST
$1 BILLION TO GIVE US A

IS UNDER WAY AND IT WILL COST
$1 BILLION TO GIVE US A
NUMERICAL PROFILE OF OUR

$1 BILLION TO GIVE US A
NUMERICAL PROFILE OF OUR
POPULATION.

NUMERICAL PROFILE OF OUR
POPULATION.
CURRENTLY, AN AMERICAN IS BORN

POPULATION.
CURRENTLY, AN AMERICAN IS BORN
EVERY 10 SECONDS AND ONE DIES

CURRENTLY, AN AMERICAN IS BORN
EVERY 10 SECONDS AND ONE DIES
EVERY 16 SECONDS.

EVERY 10 SECONDS AND ONE DIES
EVERY 16 SECONDS.
SO DURING THE COURSE OF THIS

EVERY 16 SECONDS.
SO DURING THE COURSE OF THIS
NEWSCAST, WE WOULD LIKE TO

SO DURING THE COURSE OF THIS
NEWSCAST, WE WOULD LIKE TO
WELCOME 60 NEW VIEWERS, AND TO

NEWSCAST, WE WOULD LIKE TO
WELCOME 60 NEW VIEWERS, AND TO
THE 40 VIEWERS LEAVING US, THOSE

WELCOME 60 NEW VIEWERS, AND TO
THE 40 VIEWERS LEAVING US, THOSE
ARE THE BREAKS.

THE 40 VIEWERS LEAVING US, THOSE
ARE THE BREAKS.
BILL?

ARE THE BREAKS.
BILL?
WHEN CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA

BILL?
WHEN CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA
WAS CHOSEN POPE A FEW WEEKS AGO,

WHEN CARDINAL KAROL WOJTYLA
WAS CHOSEN POPE A FEW WEEKS AGO,
VATICAN INSIDERS IMMEDIATELY

WAS CHOSEN POPE A FEW WEEKS AGO,
VATICAN INSIDERS IMMEDIATELY
BEGAN SPECULATING WHO HE WOULD

VATICAN INSIDERS IMMEDIATELY
BEGAN SPECULATING WHO HE WOULD
NAME TO TAKE HIS PLACE IN

BEGAN SPECULATING WHO HE WOULD
NAME TO TAKE HIS PLACE IN
WARSAW.

NAME TO TAKE HIS PLACE IN
WARSAW.
TODAY POPE JOHN PAUL II STUNNED

WARSAW.
TODAY POPE JOHN PAUL II STUNNED
THE CATHOLIC WORLD WHEN HE NAMED

TODAY POPE JOHN PAUL II STUNNED
THE CATHOLIC WORLD WHEN HE NAMED
SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALí

THE CATHOLIC WORLD WHEN HE NAMED
SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALí
TO THE CONTROVERSIAL POST.

SURREALIST ARTIST SALVADOR DALí
TO THE CONTROVERSIAL POST.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN 150 YEARS

TO THE CONTROVERSIAL POST.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN 150 YEARS
THAT THE POSITION HAS BEEN HELD

IT'S THE FIRST TIME IN 150 YEARS
THAT THE POSITION HAS BEEN HELD
BY A PAINTER, AND THE FIRST TIME

THAT THE POSITION HAS BEEN HELD
BY A PAINTER, AND THE FIRST TIME
IN 400 YEARS BY A SURREALIST.

BY A PAINTER, AND THE FIRST TIME
IN 400 YEARS BY A SURREALIST.
THE SENATORIAL RACE IN VIRGINIA

IN 400 YEARS BY A SURREALIST.
THE SENATORIAL RACE IN VIRGINIA
WAS SO CLOSE THAT THEY'RE

THE SENATORIAL RACE IN VIRGINIA
WAS SO CLOSE THAT THEY'RE
RECOUNTING THE VOTES.

WAS SO CLOSE THAT THEY'RE
RECOUNTING THE VOTES.
SO FAR, THE WINNER IS REPUBLICAN

RECOUNTING THE VOTES.
SO FAR, THE WINNER IS REPUBLICAN
JOHN WARNER, WHO IS AHEAD BY A

SO FAR, THE WINNER IS REPUBLICAN
JOHN WARNER, WHO IS AHEAD BY A
VERY SLIGHT MARGIN.

JOHN WARNER, WHO IS AHEAD BY A
VERY SLIGHT MARGIN.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

VERY SLIGHT MARGIN.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, "BILL,

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.
YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, "BILL,
YOU MANIAC, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE

YOU'RE PROBABLY SAYING, "BILL,
YOU MANIAC, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE
TO DO WITH 'CELEBRITY CORNER'?

YOU MANIAC, WHAT DOES THIS HAVE
TO DO WITH 'CELEBRITY CORNER'?
AREN'T YOU GETTING OFF THE

TO DO WITH 'CELEBRITY CORNER'?
AREN'T YOU GETTING OFF THE
TRACK?"

AREN'T YOU GETTING OFF THE
TRACK?"
UNH-UNH.

TRACK?"
UNH-UNH.
BECAUSE THIS CHEAP POLITICIAN

UNH-UNH.
BECAUSE THIS CHEAP POLITICIAN
JOHN WARNER'S WIFE IS NONE OTHER

BECAUSE THIS CHEAP POLITICIAN
JOHN WARNER'S WIFE IS NONE OTHER
THAN PERHAPS THE GREATEST

JOHN WARNER'S WIFE IS NONE OTHER
THAN PERHAPS THE GREATEST
ACTRESS THAT'S EVER LIVED AND

THAN PERHAPS THE GREATEST
ACTRESS THAT'S EVER LIVED AND
WHOSE FACE HAS SET THE STANDARD

ACTRESS THAT'S EVER LIVED AND
WHOSE FACE HAS SET THE STANDARD
FOR SCREEN BEAUTY FOR SO MANY

WHOSE FACE HAS SET THE STANDARD
FOR SCREEN BEAUTY FOR SO MANY
YEARS.

FOR SCREEN BEAUTY FOR SO MANY
YEARS.
OF COURSE I'M TALKING ABOUT

YEARS.
OF COURSE I'M TALKING ABOUT
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.

OF COURSE I'M TALKING ABOUT
ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
LIZ, WELCOME TO

ELIZABETH TAYLOR.
LIZ, WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CORNER."

LIZ, WELCOME TO
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
[LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE]

"CELEBRITY CORNER."
[LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS, BILL.

[LAUGHER AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS, BILL.
IT'S SO NICE TO BE HERE.

THANKS, BILL.
IT'S SO NICE TO BE HERE.
LIZ, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE

IT'S SO NICE TO BE HERE.
LIZ, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE
MRS. ALMOST-TOO-SOON-TO-TELL

LIZ, HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE
MRS. ALMOST-TOO-SOON-TO-TELL
SENATOR-ELECT WARNER, ANYWAY?

MRS. ALMOST-TOO-SOON-TO-TELL
SENATOR-ELECT WARNER, ANYWAY?
IT'S VERY EXCITING, BILL, BUT

SENATOR-ELECT WARNER, ANYWAY?
IT'S VERY EXCITING, BILL, BUT
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BECOMING

IT'S VERY EXCITING, BILL, BUT
I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BECOMING
A WASHINGTON HOSTESS.

I'M LOOKING FORWARD TO BECOMING
A WASHINGTON HOSTESS.
LIZ, TELL ME THIS... WE HEARD

A WASHINGTON HOSTESS.
LIZ, TELL ME THIS... WE HEARD
THAT YOU PROMISED IF JOHN WON

LIZ, TELL ME THIS... WE HEARD
THAT YOU PROMISED IF JOHN WON
THE ELECTION THAT YOU WOULD GO

THAT YOU PROMISED IF JOHN WON
THE ELECTION THAT YOU WOULD GO
ON A DIET FROM YOUR PRESENT

THE ELECTION THAT YOU WOULD GO
ON A DIET FROM YOUR PRESENT
WEIGHT OF 167 POUNDS DOWN TO

ON A DIET FROM YOUR PRESENT
WEIGHT OF 167 POUNDS DOWN TO
YOUR "BUtterfield 8" WEIGHT OF

WEIGHT OF 167 POUNDS DOWN TO
YOUR "BUtterfield 8" WEIGHT OF
120.

YOUR "BUtterfield 8" WEIGHT OF
120.
IS THAT TRUE?

120.
IS THAT TRUE?
THAT'S RIGHT.

IS THAT TRUE?
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M GONNA START ON A STRICT

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M GONNA START ON A STRICT
DIET... NOTHING BUT CHICKEN.

I'M GONNA START ON A STRICT
DIET... NOTHING BUT CHICKEN.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, LIZ.

DIET... NOTHING BUT CHICKEN.
WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, LIZ.
BUT, TO ME, I DON'T CARE HOW

WELL, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, LIZ.
BUT, TO ME, I DON'T CARE HOW
MUCH YOU WEIGH, JUST SO YOUR

BUT, TO ME, I DON'T CARE HOW
MUCH YOU WEIGH, JUST SO YOUR
CHEEKS DON'T PUFF UP OVER THOSE

MUCH YOU WEIGH, JUST SO YOUR
CHEEKS DON'T PUFF UP OVER THOSE
BEAUTIFUL VIOLET EYES THAT I'VE

CHEEKS DON'T PUFF UP OVER THOSE
BEAUTIFUL VIOLET EYES THAT I'VE
BEEN IN LOVE WITH SINCE

BEAUTIFUL VIOLET EYES THAT I'VE
BEEN IN LOVE WITH SINCE
"NATIONAL VELVET."

BEEN IN LOVE WITH SINCE
"NATIONAL VELVET."
MM-HMM.

"NATIONAL VELVET."
MM-HMM.
[LAUGHTER]

MM-HMM.
[LAUGHTER]
[CHOKING]

[LAUGHTER]
[CHOKING]
THANK YOU.

[CHOKING]
THANK YOU.
[COUGHS]

THANK YOU.
[COUGHS]
THANK YOU, BILL. [COUGHS]

[COUGHS]
THANK YOU, BILL. [COUGHS]
THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO...

THANK YOU, BILL. [COUGHS]
THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO...
[COUGHS, GASPS]

THAT'S NICE OF YOU TO...
[COUGHS, GASPS]
SAY THAT.

[COUGHS, GASPS]
SAY THAT.
[COUGHING]

SAY THAT.
[COUGHING]
LIZ, WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?

[COUGHING]
LIZ, WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
NOW, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD TO

LIZ, WHAT ABOUT YOUR CAREER?
NOW, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD TO
SEEING YOU IN A MOVIE SOON?

NOW, CAN WE LOOK FORWARD TO
SEEING YOU IN A MOVIE SOON?
I MEAN, HOW ABOUT

SEEING YOU IN A MOVIE SOON?
I MEAN, HOW ABOUT
"CLEOPATRA II"?

I MEAN, HOW ABOUT
"CLEOPATRA II"?
IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH A NATURAL.

"CLEOPATRA II"?
IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH A NATURAL.
I MEAN, HOW WOULD JOHN FEEL

IT SEEMS LIKE SUCH A NATURAL.
I MEAN, HOW WOULD JOHN FEEL
ABOUT THAT?

I MEAN, HOW WOULD JOHN FEEL
ABOUT THAT?
I MEAN, WOULD THERE BE A CAREER

ABOUT THAT?
I MEAN, WOULD THERE BE A CAREER
CONFLICT NOW THAT YOU ARE ALSO

I MEAN, WOULD THERE BE A CAREER
CONFLICT NOW THAT YOU ARE ALSO
THE WIFE OF A UNITED STATES

CONFLICT NOW THAT YOU ARE ALSO
THE WIFE OF A UNITED STATES
SENATOR?

THE WIFE OF A UNITED STATES
SENATOR?
[GRUNTING]

SENATOR?
[GRUNTING]
[COUGHS, GAGS]

[GRUNTING]
[COUGHS, GAGS]
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, LIZ.

[COUGHS, GAGS]
WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, LIZ.
IT'S BEEN A REAL TREAT FOR ME TO

WELL, THANK YOU SO MUCH, LIZ.
IT'S BEEN A REAL TREAT FOR ME TO
HAVE YOU ON "CELEBRITY CORNER,"

IT'S BEEN A REAL TREAT FOR ME TO
HAVE YOU ON "CELEBRITY CORNER,"
AND I THINK ALL YOUR FANS IN THE

HAVE YOU ON "CELEBRITY CORNER,"
AND I THINK ALL YOUR FANS IN THE
WHOLE WORLD JOIN ME WHEN I SAY

AND I THINK ALL YOUR FANS IN THE
WHOLE WORLD JOIN ME WHEN I SAY
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT DIET.

WHOLE WORLD JOIN ME WHEN I SAY
GOOD LUCK WITH THAT DIET.
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT

GOOD LUCK WITH THAT DIET.
I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT
WEIGHT.

I KNOW YOU'RE GONNA LOSE THAT
WEIGHT.
SHE LOOKS GREAT, DOESN'T SHE?

WEIGHT.
SHE LOOKS GREAT, DOESN'T SHE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHE LOOKS GREAT, DOESN'T SHE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE LOOKS GREAT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
SHE LOOKS GREAT.
I JUST KNOW SHE'S GONNA BE A BIG

SHE LOOKS GREAT.
I JUST KNOW SHE'S GONNA BE A BIG
HIT ON CAPITOL HILL.

I JUST KNOW SHE'S GONNA BE A BIG
HIT ON CAPITOL HILL.
JANE?

HIT ON CAPITOL HILL.
JANE?
HUH?

JANE?
HUH?
YOU KNOW, A CLUE TO THE

HUH?
YOU KNOW, A CLUE TO THE
WHEREABOUTS OF JIMMY HOFFA WAS

YOU KNOW, A CLUE TO THE
WHEREABOUTS OF JIMMY HOFFA WAS
FINALLY DISCOVERED TODAY AND WAS

WHEREABOUTS OF JIMMY HOFFA WAS
FINALLY DISCOVERED TODAY AND WAS
DELIVERED TO THE

FINALLY DISCOVERED TODAY AND WAS
DELIVERED TO THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" OFFICE.

DELIVERED TO THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" OFFICE.
THE THUMB OF THE EX-TEAMSTER

"WEEKEND UPDATE" OFFICE.
THE THUMB OF THE EX-TEAMSTER
BOSS WAS DISCOVERED ON

THE THUMB OF THE EX-TEAMSTER
BOSS WAS DISCOVERED ON
INTERSTATE U.S. 80 BY A MAN WHO

BOSS WAS DISCOVERED ON
INTERSTATE U.S. 80 BY A MAN WHO
THOUGHT HE WAS PICKING UP AN

INTERSTATE U.S. 80 BY A MAN WHO
THOUGHT HE WAS PICKING UP AN
EXTREMELY SHORT HITCHHIKER.

THOUGHT HE WAS PICKING UP AN
EXTREMELY SHORT HITCHHIKER.
THE EX-TEAMSTER BOSS'S THUMB

EXTREMELY SHORT HITCHHIKER.
THE EX-TEAMSTER BOSS'S THUMB
WILL BE KEPT HERE AT

THE EX-TEAMSTER BOSS'S THUMB
WILL BE KEPT HERE AT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" UNDER HEAVY

WILL BE KEPT HERE AT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" UNDER HEAVY
GUARD UNTIL SERVICES NEXT WEEK.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" UNDER HEAVY
GUARD UNTIL SERVICES NEXT WEEK.
[LAUGHTER]

GUARD UNTIL SERVICES NEXT WEEK.
[LAUGHTER]
THE DAY AFTER THE REPUBLICANS

[LAUGHTER]
THE DAY AFTER THE REPUBLICANS
WON BOTH SENATE SEATS AND THE

THE DAY AFTER THE REPUBLICANS
WON BOTH SENATE SEATS AND THE
GOVERNORSHIP OF THE STATE OF

WON BOTH SENATE SEATS AND THE
GOVERNORSHIP OF THE STATE OF
MINNESOTA, THAT STATE RECORDED

GOVERNORSHIP OF THE STATE OF
MINNESOTA, THAT STATE RECORDED
ITS FIRST EARTHQUAKE IN 20,000

MINNESOTA, THAT STATE RECORDED
ITS FIRST EARTHQUAKE IN 20,000
YEARS.

ITS FIRST EARTHQUAKE IN 20,000
YEARS.
THE CENTER OF THE QUAKE WAS

YEARS.
THE CENTER OF THE QUAKE WAS
REPORTED TO BE AT THE GRAVE OF

THE CENTER OF THE QUAKE WAS
REPORTED TO BE AT THE GRAVE OF
HUBERT HUMPHREY, WHO

REPORTED TO BE AT THE GRAVE OF
HUBERT HUMPHREY, WHO
SEISMOLOGISTS SAY WAS SPINNING

HUBERT HUMPHREY, WHO
SEISMOLOGISTS SAY WAS SPINNING
AT THE RATE OF 7,000 REVOLUTIONS

SEISMOLOGISTS SAY WAS SPINNING
AT THE RATE OF 7,000 REVOLUTIONS
PER MINUTE.

AT THE RATE OF 7,000 REVOLUTIONS
PER MINUTE.
JANE?

PER MINUTE.
JANE?
TRAGEDY STRUCK THE WORLD OF

JANE?
TRAGEDY STRUCK THE WORLD OF
HORSE RACING THIS AFTERNOON WHEN

TRAGEDY STRUCK THE WORLD OF
HORSE RACING THIS AFTERNOON WHEN
SEATTLE SLEW WAS ACCIDENTALLY

HORSE RACING THIS AFTERNOON WHEN
SEATTLE SLEW WAS ACCIDENTALLY
IMPALED ON A HURDLE THAT HE

SEATTLE SLEW WAS ACCIDENTALLY
IMPALED ON A HURDLE THAT HE
FAILED TO CLEAR.

IMPALED ON A HURDLE THAT HE
FAILED TO CLEAR.
WHILE THE FORMER TRIPLE CROWN

FAILED TO CLEAR.
WHILE THE FORMER TRIPLE CROWN
WINNER LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'LL

WHILE THE FORMER TRIPLE CROWN
WINNER LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'LL
FULLY RECOVER, VETERINARIANS

WINNER LOOKS AS THOUGH HE'LL
FULLY RECOVER, VETERINARIANS
HAVE REDUCED HIS STUD FEES FROM

FULLY RECOVER, VETERINARIANS
HAVE REDUCED HIS STUD FEES FROM
$12 MILLION TO $14.95.

HAVE REDUCED HIS STUD FEES FROM
$12 MILLION TO $14.95.
[LAUGHTER]

$12 MILLION TO $14.95.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THE FORD FOUNDATION

[LAUGHTER]
AND THE FORD FOUNDATION
ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS AWARDED A

AND THE FORD FOUNDATION
ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS AWARDED A
$1.5 MILLION GRANT TO PERFECT A

ANNOUNCED THAT IT HAS AWARDED A
$1.5 MILLION GRANT TO PERFECT A
CONTRACEPTIVE THAT WOULD BE

$1.5 MILLION GRANT TO PERFECT A
CONTRACEPTIVE THAT WOULD BE
IMPLANTED IN A WOMAN'S HAND.

CONTRACEPTIVE THAT WOULD BE
IMPLANTED IN A WOMAN'S HAND.
ALTHOUGH YEARS AWAY FROM

IMPLANTED IN A WOMAN'S HAND.
ALTHOUGH YEARS AWAY FROM
PERFECTION, IT IS REPORTED TO BE

ALTHOUGH YEARS AWAY FROM
PERFECTION, IT IS REPORTED TO BE
TWICE AS EFFECTIVE AS THE

PERFECTION, IT IS REPORTED TO BE
TWICE AS EFFECTIVE AS THE
DIAPHRAGM.

TWICE AS EFFECTIVE AS THE
DIAPHRAGM.
A FORD SPOKESMAN SAID THAT

DIAPHRAGM.
A FORD SPOKESMAN SAID THAT
EVENTUALLY, THIS TECHNIQUE WILL

A FORD SPOKESMAN SAID THAT
EVENTUALLY, THIS TECHNIQUE WILL
SUPPORT THE OLD ADAGE THAT "ONE

EVENTUALLY, THIS TECHNIQUE WILL
SUPPORT THE OLD ADAGE THAT "ONE
IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE

SUPPORT THE OLD ADAGE THAT "ONE
IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE
BUSH."

IN THE HAND IS WORTH TWO IN THE
BUSH."
[LAUGHTER]

BUSH."
[LAUGHTER]
[COUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]
[COUGHS]
HELLO.

[COUGHS]
HELLO.
I'M "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" STATION

HELLO.
I'M "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" STATION
MANAGER, DAN AYKROYD.

I'M "WEEKEND UPDATE'S" STATION
MANAGER, DAN AYKROYD.
THIS WEEK, THE SHAH OF IRAN

MANAGER, DAN AYKROYD.
THIS WEEK, THE SHAH OF IRAN
DECLARED MARTIAL LAW IN AN

THIS WEEK, THE SHAH OF IRAN
DECLARED MARTIAL LAW IN AN
ATTEMPT TO PUT A STOP TO THE

DECLARED MARTIAL LAW IN AN
ATTEMPT TO PUT A STOP TO THE
VIOLENT RIOTING WHICH HAS

ATTEMPT TO PUT A STOP TO THE
VIOLENT RIOTING WHICH HAS
PARALYZED HIS COUNTRY.

VIOLENT RIOTING WHICH HAS
PARALYZED HIS COUNTRY.
THE SHAH IS THE SUBJECT OF

PARALYZED HIS COUNTRY.
THE SHAH IS THE SUBJECT OF
TONIGHT'S "POINT/COUNTERPOINT."

THE SHAH IS THE SUBJECT OF
TONIGHT'S "POINT/COUNTERPOINT."
JANE WILL TAKE THE ANTI-SHAH

TONIGHT'S "POINT/COUNTERPOINT."
JANE WILL TAKE THE ANTI-SHAH
POINT, AND I WILL TAKE THE

JANE WILL TAKE THE ANTI-SHAH
POINT, AND I WILL TAKE THE
PRO-SHAH COUNTERPOINT.

POINT, AND I WILL TAKE THE
PRO-SHAH COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?

PRO-SHAH COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?
DAN, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT

JANE?
DAN, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.

DAN, I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT
YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
"JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT, THE

YOU'RE GOING TO SAY.
"JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT, THE
SHAH IS A FRIEND.

"JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT, THE
SHAH IS A FRIEND.
HE SENT US OIL DURING THE '73

SHAH IS A FRIEND.
HE SENT US OIL DURING THE '73
EMBARGO.

HE SENT US OIL DURING THE '73
EMBARGO.
HE'S A BUFFER AGAINST

EMBARGO.
HE'S A BUFFER AGAINST
COMMUNISM."

HE'S A BUFFER AGAINST
COMMUNISM."
MAYBE SO, DAN, BUT WHAT HAPPENED

COMMUNISM."
MAYBE SO, DAN, BUT WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE HUMAN RIGHTS YOU SCREAM

MAYBE SO, DAN, BUT WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE HUMAN RIGHTS YOU SCREAM
ABOUT EVERY TIME A SHARANSKY

TO THE HUMAN RIGHTS YOU SCREAM
ABOUT EVERY TIME A SHARANSKY
GETS SENTENCED TO SOME SOVIET

ABOUT EVERY TIME A SHARANSKY
GETS SENTENCED TO SOME SOVIET
JAIL?

GETS SENTENCED TO SOME SOVIET
JAIL?
WHY IS IT WRONG TO TORTURE A

JAIL?
WHY IS IT WRONG TO TORTURE A
DISSIDENT IN A FREEZING SIBERIAN

WHY IS IT WRONG TO TORTURE A
DISSIDENT IN A FREEZING SIBERIAN
GULAG, BUT OKAY TO WIRE A

DISSIDENT IN A FREEZING SIBERIAN
GULAG, BUT OKAY TO WIRE A
LEFTIST STUDENT'S GENITALS IN A

GULAG, BUT OKAY TO WIRE A
LEFTIST STUDENT'S GENITALS IN A
BAKING TEHRAN DUNGEON?

LEFTIST STUDENT'S GENITALS IN A
BAKING TEHRAN DUNGEON?
I ONLY HOPE THAT SOMEDAY SOMEONE

BAKING TEHRAN DUNGEON?
I ONLY HOPE THAT SOMEDAY SOMEONE
WIRES YOUR GENITALS, DAN.

I ONLY HOPE THAT SOMEDAY SOMEONE
WIRES YOUR GENITALS, DAN.
THEN YOU'LL BE SINGING A

WIRES YOUR GENITALS, DAN.
THEN YOU'LL BE SINGING A
DIFFERENT TUNE.

THEN YOU'LL BE SINGING A
DIFFERENT TUNE.
[LAUGHTER]

DIFFERENT TUNE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
JANE, YOU POOR, MISGUIDED

[APPLAUSE]
JANE, YOU POOR, MISGUIDED
SCRAG, THE ISSUE HERE ISN'T

JANE, YOU POOR, MISGUIDED
SCRAG, THE ISSUE HERE ISN'T
GENITALS.

SCRAG, THE ISSUE HERE ISN'T
GENITALS.
THE ISSUE HERE IS REALPOLITIK.

GENITALS.
THE ISSUE HERE IS REALPOLITIK.
SURE, THE SHAH'S A JERK, BUT

THE ISSUE HERE IS REALPOLITIK.
SURE, THE SHAH'S A JERK, BUT
HE'S ALL WE'VE GOT.

SURE, THE SHAH'S A JERK, BUT
HE'S ALL WE'VE GOT.
JUST LOOK AT THE MAP... TO THE

HE'S ALL WE'VE GOT.
JUST LOOK AT THE MAP... TO THE
NORTH, THE SOVIET UNION, TO THE

JUST LOOK AT THE MAP... TO THE
NORTH, THE SOVIET UNION, TO THE
EAST AND WEST, AFGHANISTAN AND

NORTH, THE SOVIET UNION, TO THE
EAST AND WEST, AFGHANISTAN AND
IRAQ, BOTH LEFTIST, RADICAL

EAST AND WEST, AFGHANISTAN AND
IRAQ, BOTH LEFTIST, RADICAL
STATES, AND THE TO THE SOUTH,

IRAQ, BOTH LEFTIST, RADICAL
STATES, AND THE TO THE SOUTH,
THE PERSIAN GULF.

STATES, AND THE TO THE SOUTH,
THE PERSIAN GULF.
ANY IDIOT CAN SEE THAT IRAN

THE PERSIAN GULF.
ANY IDIOT CAN SEE THAT IRAN
WOULD BE A PRIZE STEPPING-STONE

ANY IDIOT CAN SEE THAT IRAN
WOULD BE A PRIZE STEPPING-STONE
IN AN EVENTUAL SOVIET TAKEOVER

WOULD BE A PRIZE STEPPING-STONE
IN AN EVENTUAL SOVIET TAKEOVER
OF THE WORLD.

IN AN EVENTUAL SOVIET TAKEOVER
OF THE WORLD.
AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, JANE,

OF THE WORLD.
AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, JANE,
THOSE COSSACKS WILL BE COMING

AND WHEN THAT HAPPENS, JANE,
THOSE COSSACKS WILL BE COMING
OVER HERE WITH THEIR

THOSE COSSACKS WILL BE COMING
OVER HERE WITH THEIR
BROOM HANDLES, AND WE'LL SEE HOW

OVER HERE WITH THEIR
BROOM HANDLES, AND WE'LL SEE HOW
YOU FEEL THEN.

BROOM HANDLES, AND WE'LL SEE HOW
YOU FEEL THEN.
OF COURSE, YOU'D PROBABLY LOVE

YOU FEEL THEN.
OF COURSE, YOU'D PROBABLY LOVE
IT, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

OF COURSE, YOU'D PROBABLY LOVE
IT, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IT, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

[British accent] GOOD

EVENING.

I'M JEAN MARSH.

LET ME WELCOME YOU TO

"GREAT PERFORMANCES."

TONIGHT WE CONTINUE OUR STORY OF
ONE OF THE MOST FASCINATING
FIGURES IN RUSSIAN HISTORY...

ONE OF THE MOST FASCINATING
FIGURES IN RUSSIAN HISTORY...
GRIGORY YEFIMOVICH RASPUTIN.

FIGURES IN RUSSIAN HISTORY...
GRIGORY YEFIMOVICH RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN... THE HALF-CRAZED

GRIGORY YEFIMOVICH RASPUTIN.
RASPUTIN... THE HALF-CRAZED
SIBERIAN MONK WHOSE MYSTICAL

RASPUTIN... THE HALF-CRAZED
SIBERIAN MONK WHOSE MYSTICAL
CONTROL OVER THE CZAR'S FAMILY

SIBERIAN MONK WHOSE MYSTICAL
CONTROL OVER THE CZAR'S FAMILY
MADE HIM THE MOST POWERFUL

CONTROL OVER THE CZAR'S FAMILY
MADE HIM THE MOST POWERFUL
RUSSIAN OF HIS TIME.

MADE HIM THE MOST POWERFUL
RUSSIAN OF HIS TIME.
IN CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FOUR OF

RUSSIAN OF HIS TIME.
IN CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FOUR OF
"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN," WE HAVE

IN CHAPTERS ONE THROUGH FOUR OF
"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN," WE HAVE
SEEN THE HATRED HIS POWER

"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN," WE HAVE
SEEN THE HATRED HIS POWER
AROUSED IN THE CONSERVATIVE

SEEN THE HATRED HIS POWER
AROUSED IN THE CONSERVATIVE
NOBILITY, HEADED BY

AROUSED IN THE CONSERVATIVE
NOBILITY, HEADED BY
PRINCE YUSUPOV AND HIS PATRIOTIC

NOBILITY, HEADED BY
PRINCE YUSUPOV AND HIS PATRIOTIC
CIRCLE.

PRINCE YUSUPOV AND HIS PATRIOTIC
CIRCLE.
DETERMINED AT LAST TO DESTROY

CIRCLE.
DETERMINED AT LAST TO DESTROY
RASPUTIN, THEY HAVE INVITED HIM

DETERMINED AT LAST TO DESTROY
RASPUTIN, THEY HAVE INVITED HIM
TO TEA AT YUSUPOV'S

RASPUTIN, THEY HAVE INVITED HIM
TO TEA AT YUSUPOV'S
ST. PETERSBURG APARTMENT AND

TO TEA AT YUSUPOV'S
ST. PETERSBURG APARTMENT AND
PLIED HIM WITH CYANIDE-SOAKED

ST. PETERSBURG APARTMENT AND
PLIED HIM WITH CYANIDE-SOAKED
CAKE AND WINE.

PLIED HIM WITH CYANIDE-SOAKED
CAKE AND WINE.
NOW WE PRESENT STEVEN BUSHAKIS

CAKE AND WINE.
NOW WE PRESENT STEVEN BUSHAKIS
AS THE MAD MONK IN CHAPTER FIVE

NOW WE PRESENT STEVEN BUSHAKIS
AS THE MAD MONK IN CHAPTER FIVE
OF "THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN."

AS THE MAD MONK IN CHAPTER FIVE
OF "THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN."
[CLOCK TICKING]

[LAUGHTER]

[HUMMING]
HERE, GRIGORY YEFIMOVICH.
HAVE SOME MORE WINE.

HERE, GRIGORY YEFIMOVICH.
HAVE SOME MORE WINE.
AND LOOK.

HAVE SOME MORE WINE.
AND LOOK.
HERE ARE SOME MORE TEA CAKES I

AND LOOK.
HERE ARE SOME MORE TEA CAKES I
PREPARED ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.

HERE ARE SOME MORE TEA CAKES I
PREPARED ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]

PREPARED ESPECIALLY FOR YOU.
[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU SURE THESE ARE THE

[LAUGHTER]
ARE YOU SURE THESE ARE THE
POISONED CAKES?

ARE YOU SURE THESE ARE THE
POISONED CAKES?
YES, THESE ARE THE ONES WE

POISONED CAKES?
YES, THESE ARE THE ONES WE
PREPARED.

YES, THESE ARE THE ONES WE
PREPARED.
I PUT ENOUGH CYANIDE IN THOSE

PREPARED.
I PUT ENOUGH CYANIDE IN THOSE
CAKES TO KILL A REGIMENT.

I PUT ENOUGH CYANIDE IN THOSE
CAKES TO KILL A REGIMENT.
LOOK.

CAKES TO KILL A REGIMENT.
LOOK.
HE'S EATEN THEM ALL.

LOOK.
HE'S EATEN THEM ALL.
[GRUNTS]

HE'S EATEN THEM ALL.
[GRUNTS]
VODKA?

[GRUNTS]
VODKA?
[MURMURS]

VODKA?
[MURMURS]
AH!

[MURMURS]
AH!
THESE CAKES... THEY'RE STALE.

AH!
THESE CAKES... THEY'RE STALE.
I MUST LEAVE NOW.

THESE CAKES... THEY'RE STALE.
I MUST LEAVE NOW.
THE CZARINA NEEDS ME.

I MUST LEAVE NOW.
THE CZARINA NEEDS ME.
[GRUNTING]

THE CZARINA NEEDS ME.
[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHTER]

[GRUNTING]
[LAUGHTER]
AT LAST, WE HAVE FREED RUSSIA

[LAUGHTER]
AT LAST, WE HAVE FREED RUSSIA
FROM THIS MISERABLE MONSTER!

AT LAST, WE HAVE FREED RUSSIA
FROM THIS MISERABLE MONSTER!
[LAUGHS]

FROM THIS MISERABLE MONSTER!
[LAUGHS]
YES.

[LAUGHS]
YES.
AAH!

YES.
AAH!
AAH! AAH!

AAH!
AAH! AAH!
[GROANING]

[LAUGHS]
AT LONG LAST, RUSSIA IS RID OF
THIS PERNICIOUS MADMAN!

AT LONG LAST, RUSSIA IS RID OF
THIS PERNICIOUS MADMAN!
AHA!

THIS PERNICIOUS MADMAN!
AHA!
LET US REJOICE!

AHA!
LET US REJOICE!
All: AAH!

LET US REJOICE!
All: AAH!
[GROANING]

All: AAH!
[GROANING]
QUICKLY!

[GROANING]
QUICKLY!
AAH!

IT SEEMS THAT NOW, FINALLY,
RUSSIA HAS BEEN CLEANSED OF THIS
HUMAN VIPER!

RUSSIA HAS BEEN CLEANSED OF THIS
HUMAN VIPER!
[ALL LAUGH]

HUMAN VIPER!
[ALL LAUGH]
[SCREAMING]

[GROANING]

QUICKLY... WE MUST DESTROY
THE VILE MONK'S CORPSE.
YES!

THE VILE MONK'S CORPSE.
YES!
YES.

YES!
YES.
IN THE BAG.

YES.
IN THE BAG.
GOOD.

IN THE BAG.
GOOD.
YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME

GOOD.
YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME
DYNAMITE.

YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE SOME
DYNAMITE.
YES.

DYNAMITE.
YES.
PLACE IT IN THAT CAVITY.

YES.
PLACE IT IN THAT CAVITY.
YES. HERE.

PLACE IT IN THAT CAVITY.
YES. HERE.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

YES. HERE.
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
WE ARE READY?

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
WE ARE READY?
YES.

WE ARE READY?
YES.
[LAUGHS]

YES.
[LAUGHS]
AT LAST.

[LAUGHS]
AT LAST.
AT LAST OUR LAND IS FREE OF THIS

AT LAST.
AT LAST OUR LAND IS FREE OF THIS
ODIOUS MANIPULATOR.

AT LAST OUR LAND IS FREE OF THIS
ODIOUS MANIPULATOR.
PERHAPS NOW RUSSIA CAN REGAIN

ODIOUS MANIPULATOR.
PERHAPS NOW RUSSIA CAN REGAIN
HER DIGNITY!

PERHAPS NOW RUSSIA CAN REGAIN
HER DIGNITY!
[LAUGHS]

HER DIGNITY!
[LAUGHS]
AAH!

[LAUGHS]
AAH!
AAH!

AAH!
AAH!
[GROANING]

AAH!
[GROANING]
QUICKLY!

[GROANING]
QUICKLY!
QUICK! FINISH HIM!

QUICKLY!
QUICK! FINISH HIM!
[GLASS BREAKS]

QUICK! FINISH HIM!
[GLASS BREAKS]
[LAUGHS]

[GLASS BREAKS]
[LAUGHS]
IS HE DEAD?

[LAUGHS]
IS HE DEAD?
IT'S SIX FLOORS TO THE STREET

IS HE DEAD?
IT'S SIX FLOORS TO THE STREET
BELOW!

IT'S SIX FLOORS TO THE STREET
BELOW!
CRUSHED!

BELOW!
CRUSHED!
CRUSHED LIKE AN INSECT.

CRUSHED!
CRUSHED LIKE AN INSECT.
INSECT!

CRUSHED LIKE AN INSECT.
INSECT!
NOW THERE CAN NO LONGER BE

INSECT!
NOW THERE CAN NO LONGER BE
ANY DOUBT THAT RUSSIA HAS BEEN

NOW THERE CAN NO LONGER BE
ANY DOUBT THAT RUSSIA HAS BEEN
PURGED OF THIS VILE, VILE OGRE.

ANY DOUBT THAT RUSSIA HAS BEEN
PURGED OF THIS VILE, VILE OGRE.
[LAUGHS]

PURGED OF THIS VILE, VILE OGRE.
[LAUGHS]
All: AAH!

[LAUGHS]
All: AAH!
THAT CONCLUDES PART FIVE OF

All: AAH!
THAT CONCLUDES PART FIVE OF
"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN."

THAT CONCLUDES PART FIVE OF
"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN."
PLEASE JOIN US ON OUR NEXT

"THE DEATH OF RASPUTIN."
PLEASE JOIN US ON OUR NEXT
"GREAT PERFORMANCE" FOR PART SIX

PLEASE JOIN US ON OUR NEXT
"GREAT PERFORMANCE" FOR PART SIX
IN THIS 10-PART SERIES.

"GREAT PERFORMANCE" FOR PART SIX
IN THIS 10-PART SERIES.
HERE IS A SCENE FROM THE NEXT

IN THIS 10-PART SERIES.
HERE IS A SCENE FROM THE NEXT
EPISODE.

HERE IS A SCENE FROM THE NEXT
EPISODE.
[LAUGHTER]

EPISODE.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?

[APPLAUSE]
JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

JOIN US, WON'T YOU?
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]
Announcer: "GREAT

[APPLAUSE]
Announcer: "GREAT
PERFORMANCES" IS BROUGHT TO YOU

Announcer: "GREAT
PERFORMANCES" IS BROUGHT TO YOU
IN PART BY A GRANT FROM THE

PERFORMANCES" IS BROUGHT TO YOU
IN PART BY A GRANT FROM THE
CHEMTREX CORPORATION.

IN PART BY A GRANT FROM THE
CHEMTREX CORPORATION.
WITHOUT CHEMICALS, NOTHING WOULD

CHEMTREX CORPORATION.
WITHOUT CHEMICALS, NOTHING WOULD
EXIST.

[MID-TEMPO PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE
DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN THROUGH THE
DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME ♪
♪ IT FELT GOOD TO GET OUT

DESERT ON A HORSE WITH NO NAME ♪
♪ IT FELT GOOD TO GET OUT
OF THE RAIN ♪

♪ IT FELT GOOD TO GET OUT
OF THE RAIN ♪
♪ IN THE DESERT,

OF THE RAIN ♪
♪ IN THE DESERT,
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME ♪

♪ IN THE DESERT,
YOU CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S AIN'T NO ONE

YOU CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S AIN'T NO ONE
FOR TO GIVE YOU NO PAIN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THERE'S AIN'T NO ONE
FOR TO GIVE YOU NO PAIN ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

FOR TO GIVE YOU NO PAIN ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA ♪

♪ LA, LA, LA ♪
♪ LA, LA ♪
THANK YOU.

♪ LA, LA ♪
THANK YOU.
HEY, FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST CAME

THANK YOU.
HEY, FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST CAME
IN, WELCOME TO NICK SANDS'

HEY, FOR THOSE OF YOU JUST CAME
IN, WELCOME TO NICK SANDS'
STRIP NORTH OASIS, LOCATED HERE

IN, WELCOME TO NICK SANDS'
STRIP NORTH OASIS, LOCATED HERE
ON NEVADA 287, WHICH FEEDS INTO

STRIP NORTH OASIS, LOCATED HERE
ON NEVADA 287, WHICH FEEDS INTO
15A, WHICH WINDS ON DOWN INTO

ON NEVADA 287, WHICH FEEDS INTO
15A, WHICH WINDS ON DOWN INTO
LAS VEGAS AND IS THEREFORE

15A, WHICH WINDS ON DOWN INTO
LAS VEGAS AND IS THEREFORE
TECHNICALLY THE STRIP, HENCE THE

LAS VEGAS AND IS THEREFORE
TECHNICALLY THE STRIP, HENCE THE
"STRIP NORTH."

TECHNICALLY THE STRIP, HENCE THE
"STRIP NORTH."
HEY, WE'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A

"STRIP NORTH."
HEY, WE'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A
COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND I SEE WE'VE

HEY, WE'VE ONLY BEEN HERE A
COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND I SEE WE'VE
ALREADY GOT SOME REGULARS HERE.

COUPLE OF WEEKS, AND I SEE WE'VE
ALREADY GOT SOME REGULARS HERE.
HEY, I KNOW I'VE SEEN YOU GUYS

ALREADY GOT SOME REGULARS HERE.
HEY, I KNOW I'VE SEEN YOU GUYS
BEFORE.

HEY, I KNOW I'VE SEEN YOU GUYS
BEFORE.
LET'S TRY TO MAKE IT A REGULAR

BEFORE.
LET'S TRY TO MAKE IT A REGULAR
THING, HUH?

LET'S TRY TO MAKE IT A REGULAR
THING, HUH?
HEY, PARTNER, WHAT'S YOUR

THING, HUH?
HEY, PARTNER, WHAT'S YOUR
HANDLE?

HEY, PARTNER, WHAT'S YOUR
HANDLE?
JOHN THOMPSON, WINNEMUCCA.

HANDLE?
JOHN THOMPSON, WINNEMUCCA.
AND WHO ARE YOU, FELLA?

JOHN THOMPSON, WINNEMUCCA.
AND WHO ARE YOU, FELLA?
CLIFF MORTON, BAKERSFIELD,

AND WHO ARE YOU, FELLA?
CLIFF MORTON, BAKERSFIELD,
CALIFORNIA.

CLIFF MORTON, BAKERSFIELD,
CALIFORNIA.
ALL RIGHT.

CALIFORNIA.
ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU GUYS BACK

ALL RIGHT.
WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU GUYS BACK
TO THE STRIP NORTH?

WELL, WHAT BRINGS YOU GUYS BACK
TO THE STRIP NORTH?
WELL, FIRST TIME WE CAME

TO THE STRIP NORTH?
WELL, FIRST TIME WE CAME
HERE, WE WERE THIRSTY, AND I HAD

WELL, FIRST TIME WE CAME
HERE, WE WERE THIRSTY, AND I HAD
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.

HERE, WE WERE THIRSTY, AND I HAD
TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
THIS TIME, WE HAD A FLAT TIRE

TO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
THIS TIME, WE HAD A FLAT TIRE
OUT FRONT.

THIS TIME, WE HAD A FLAT TIRE
OUT FRONT.
OH, GEE, THAT IS TOO BAD.

OUT FRONT.
OH, GEE, THAT IS TOO BAD.
HEY, LET'S PLAY OUR GAME WITH

OH, GEE, THAT IS TOO BAD.
HEY, LET'S PLAY OUR GAME WITH
THEM, PAUL.

HEY, LET'S PLAY OUR GAME WITH
THEM, PAUL.
[MID-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]

THEM, PAUL.
[MID-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]
A ROUND OF BEERS FOR YOU GUYS IF

[MID-TEMPO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]
A ROUND OF BEERS FOR YOU GUYS IF
YOU CAN GUESS THE NAME OF THIS

A ROUND OF BEERS FOR YOU GUYS IF
YOU CAN GUESS THE NAME OF THIS
SONG.

YOU CAN GUESS THE NAME OF THIS
SONG.
♪ WHO'S THE BLACK DICK WHO'S THE

SONG.
♪ WHO'S THE BLACK DICK WHO'S THE
SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS? ♪

♪ WHO'S THE BLACK DICK WHO'S THE
SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS? ♪
SHAFT.

SEX MACHINE TO ALL THE CHICKS? ♪
SHAFT.
♪ YOU SEE, THIS CAT SHAFT IS A

SHAFT.
♪ YOU SEE, THIS CAT SHAFT IS A
BAD MOTHER... ♪

♪ YOU SEE, THIS CAT SHAFT IS A
BAD MOTHER... ♪
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.

BAD MOTHER... ♪
SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
WELL, I'M TALKING ABOUT

SHUT YOUR MOUTH.
WELL, I'M TALKING ABOUT
SHAFT.

WELL, I'M TALKING ABOUT
SHAFT.
♪ HE'S A COMPLICATED MAN ♪

SHAFT.
♪ HE'S A COMPLICATED MAN ♪
♪ NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HIM

♪ HE'S A COMPLICATED MAN ♪
♪ NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HIM
BUT HIS OLD LADY ♪

♪ NOBODY UNDERSTANDS HIM
BUT HIS OLD LADY ♪
JOHN SHAFT.

BUT HIS OLD LADY ♪
JOHN SHAFT.
SAY, YOU THINK YOU GOT A CLUE?

JOHN SHAFT.
SAY, YOU THINK YOU GOT A CLUE?
"SHAFT."

SAY, YOU THINK YOU GOT A CLUE?
"SHAFT."
AH! YOU GOT IT.

"SHAFT."
AH! YOU GOT IT.
HEY, SHAFT, GET A ROUND OF BEERS

AH! YOU GOT IT.
HEY, SHAFT, GET A ROUND OF BEERS
FOR THIS TABLE OVER HERE.

HEY, SHAFT, GET A ROUND OF BEERS
FOR THIS TABLE OVER HERE.
WELL, I THINK IT WAS A LUCKY

FOR THIS TABLE OVER HERE.
WELL, I THINK IT WAS A LUCKY
GUESS, BUT I'LL DO IT IF YOU SAY

WELL, I THINK IT WAS A LUCKY
GUESS, BUT I'LL DO IT IF YOU SAY
SO, NICK.

GUESS, BUT I'LL DO IT IF YOU SAY
SO, NICK.
WELL, I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T

SO, NICK.
WELL, I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T
HAVE A BOARD MEETING ON IT,

WELL, I'M SORRY WE DIDN'T
HAVE A BOARD MEETING ON IT,
EARL.

HAVE A BOARD MEETING ON IT,
EARL.
EARL KING, OUR BARTENDER.

EARL.
EARL KING, OUR BARTENDER.
I KNOW YOU OWN 5% OF THE

EARL KING, OUR BARTENDER.
I KNOW YOU OWN 5% OF THE
STRIP NORTH, BUT I OWN 20%, SO

I KNOW YOU OWN 5% OF THE
STRIP NORTH, BUT I OWN 20%, SO
JUST DO IT, WILL YA?

STRIP NORTH, BUT I OWN 20%, SO
JUST DO IT, WILL YA?
WE HAVE FOUR OWNERS, AND WE ALL

JUST DO IT, WILL YA?
WE HAVE FOUR OWNERS, AND WE ALL
SHARE THE WORK, AND RIGHT NOW,

WE HAVE FOUR OWNERS, AND WE ALL
SHARE THE WORK, AND RIGHT NOW,
I'M DOING MY 20% FOR YOU PEOPLE.

SHARE THE WORK, AND RIGHT NOW,
I'M DOING MY 20% FOR YOU PEOPLE.
HERE YOU ARE... COUPLE OF

I'M DOING MY 20% FOR YOU PEOPLE.
HERE YOU ARE... COUPLE OF
BREWSKIES ON NICK SANDS.

HERE YOU ARE... COUPLE OF
BREWSKIES ON NICK SANDS.
HEY, WHO WROTE

BREWSKIES ON NICK SANDS.
HEY, WHO WROTE
"YOUR CHEATIN' HEART"?

HEY, WHO WROTE
"YOUR CHEATIN' HEART"?
HANK WILLIAMS.

"YOUR CHEATIN' HEART"?
HANK WILLIAMS.
AH, HERE'S A SLIM JIM FOR

HANK WILLIAMS.
AH, HERE'S A SLIM JIM FOR
YOU.

AH, HERE'S A SLIM JIM FOR
YOU.
[LAUGHS]

YOU.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?

[LAUGHS]
HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?
DO YOU WORK AROUND HERE?

HEY, WHAT DO YOU GUYS DO?
DO YOU WORK AROUND HERE?
IS THAT IT?

DO YOU WORK AROUND HERE?
IS THAT IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE GOT AN

IS THAT IT?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE GOT AN
AUTOCAR SEMI, YOU KNOW?

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE GOT AN
AUTOCAR SEMI, YOU KNOW?
AND WE'RE HAULING GYPSUM THREE

AUTOCAR SEMI, YOU KNOW?
AND WE'RE HAULING GYPSUM THREE
ROCK ABOUT 180 MILES FROM HERE.

AND WE'RE HAULING GYPSUM THREE
ROCK ABOUT 180 MILES FROM HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT BIG GRAY CLOUD YOU

ROCK ABOUT 180 MILES FROM HERE.
YOU KNOW THAT BIG GRAY CLOUD YOU
SEE AS YOU COME IN?

YOU KNOW THAT BIG GRAY CLOUD YOU
SEE AS YOU COME IN?
OH, SURE.

SEE AS YOU COME IN?
OH, SURE.
IT'S FROM THE GYPSUM MINES.

OH, SURE.
IT'S FROM THE GYPSUM MINES.
WELL, JOHN, CLIFF, THIS IS

IT'S FROM THE GYPSUM MINES.
WELL, JOHN, CLIFF, THIS IS
FOR YOU AND EVERYBODY IN THE

WELL, JOHN, CLIFF, THIS IS
FOR YOU AND EVERYBODY IN THE
INCREASINGLY IMPORTANT GYPSUM

FOR YOU AND EVERYBODY IN THE
INCREASINGLY IMPORTANT GYPSUM
INDUSTRY.

INCREASINGLY IMPORTANT GYPSUM
INDUSTRY.
♪ I'M WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪

INDUSTRY.
♪ I'M WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
♪ GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ I'M WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
♪ GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪

♪ GOING DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
WHOO!

♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
WHOO!
♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪

WHOO!
♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪

♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
♪ GOIN' DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪

♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
♪ GOIN' DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪

♪ GOIN' DOWN, DOWN, DOWN ♪
♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
WHOO!

♪ WORKIN' IN A GYPSUM MINE ♪
WHOO!
♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪

WHOO!
♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪
HEY, GYPSUM... DAMN VITAL

♪ GOT TO SLIP DOWN ♪
HEY, GYPSUM... DAMN VITAL
INDUSTRY IN THIS STATE OF

HEY, GYPSUM... DAMN VITAL
INDUSTRY IN THIS STATE OF
NEVADA.

INDUSTRY IN THIS STATE OF
NEVADA.
HEY, PAUL.

NEVADA.
HEY, PAUL.
HEY, 15%.

HEY, PAUL.
HEY, 15%.
[LAUGHS]

HEY, 15%.
[LAUGHS]
PAUL AND I WERE TALKING, AND,

[LAUGHS]
PAUL AND I WERE TALKING, AND,
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LACK OF

PAUL AND I WERE TALKING, AND,
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LACK OF
HUMIDITY OUT HERE THAT'S THE

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE LACK OF
HUMIDITY OUT HERE THAT'S THE
SAVING GRACE.

HUMIDITY OUT HERE THAT'S THE
SAVING GRACE.
I'M FROM ILLINOIS.

SAVING GRACE.
I'M FROM ILLINOIS.
BACK THERE, 95 DEGREES, I WILT.

I'M FROM ILLINOIS.
BACK THERE, 95 DEGREES, I WILT.
OUT HERE, 115 AND I'M FINE.

BACK THERE, 95 DEGREES, I WILT.
OUT HERE, 115 AND I'M FINE.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT GETS ABOVE 125,

OUT HERE, 115 AND I'M FINE.
BUT YOU KNOW, IT GETS ABOVE 125,
130, AND YOU CANNOT GET ME OUT

BUT YOU KNOW, IT GETS ABOVE 125,
130, AND YOU CANNOT GET ME OUT
OF THIS AIR-CONDITIONED CINDER

130, AND YOU CANNOT GET ME OUT
OF THIS AIR-CONDITIONED CINDER
BLOCK.

OF THIS AIR-CONDITIONED CINDER
BLOCK.
[LAUGHS]

BLOCK.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,

[LAUGHS]
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
GALS?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT,
GALS?
WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL TO THE

GALS?
WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL TO THE
STRIP NORTH?

WHAT BRINGS YOU ALL TO THE
STRIP NORTH?
[Southern accent] OUR

STRIP NORTH?
[Southern accent] OUR
HUSBANDS HAVE GONE HUNTIN', SO

[Southern accent] OUR
HUSBANDS HAVE GONE HUNTIN', SO
WE GIRLS HERE ARE HAVIN' A

HUSBANDS HAVE GONE HUNTIN', SO
WE GIRLS HERE ARE HAVIN' A
LITTLE WEEKEND OF OUR OWN.

WE GIRLS HERE ARE HAVIN' A
LITTLE WEEKEND OF OUR OWN.
YAHOO!

LITTLE WEEKEND OF OUR OWN.
YAHOO!
[Southern accent] WE'RE

YAHOO!
[Southern accent] WE'RE
JUST GETTIN' WARMED UP, GOLDEN

[Southern accent] WE'RE
JUST GETTIN' WARMED UP, GOLDEN
THROAT.

JUST GETTIN' WARMED UP, GOLDEN
THROAT.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THE

THROAT.
WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THE
MATERIAL.

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKE THE
MATERIAL.
WELL, WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?

MATERIAL.
WELL, WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?
HE WORKS FOR ME.

WELL, WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?
HE WORKS FOR ME.
I CALL HIM SECRETARIAT.

HE WORKS FOR ME.
I CALL HIM SECRETARIAT.
[LAUGHS]

I CALL HIM SECRETARIAT.
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S RIGHT, BUT TONIGHT

[LAUGHS]
THAT'S RIGHT, BUT TONIGHT
HE'S WORKIN' FOR BOTH OF US.

THAT'S RIGHT, BUT TONIGHT
HE'S WORKIN' FOR BOTH OF US.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, LITTLE

HE'S WORKIN' FOR BOTH OF US.
WELL, GOOD LUCK, LITTLE
FILLY.

WELL, GOOD LUCK, LITTLE
FILLY.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.

FILLY.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY MEAN

YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.
THEY LOOK LIKE THEY MEAN
BUSINESS.

THEY LOOK LIKE THEY MEAN
BUSINESS.
[LAUGHS]

BUSINESS.
[LAUGHS]
YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!

[LAUGHS]
YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!
WELL, HERE'S TO YOU...

YEE-HAW! YEE-HAW!
WELL, HERE'S TO YOU...
UH-OH.

WELL, HERE'S TO YOU...
UH-OH.
HERE IS ANOTHER S.N.O. CO-OWNER,

UH-OH.
HERE IS ANOTHER S.N.O. CO-OWNER,
JIMMY JOE... 10% REDS GUY.

HERE IS ANOTHER S.N.O. CO-OWNER,
JIMMY JOE... 10% REDS GUY.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.

JIMMY JOE... 10% REDS GUY.
HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.
J.J. 10, OF COURSE, IS A

HEY, LOOK AT THIS GUY.
J.J. 10, OF COURSE, IS A
FULL-BLOODED OJIBWA.

J.J. 10, OF COURSE, IS A
FULL-BLOODED OJIBWA.
AND THE INDIAN, IF NOTHING ELSE,

FULL-BLOODED OJIBWA.
AND THE INDIAN, IF NOTHING ELSE,
WAS A BUILDER, AND I LOVE THAT.

AND THE INDIAN, IF NOTHING ELSE,
WAS A BUILDER, AND I LOVE THAT.
I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THAT.

WAS A BUILDER, AND I LOVE THAT.
I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THAT.
HE BUILT THIS PLACE.

I HAVE ALWAYS LOVED THAT.
HE BUILT THIS PLACE.
HE PUT IN THE PLUMBING.

HE BUILT THIS PLACE.
HE PUT IN THE PLUMBING.
HE BUILT THE PARKING LOT.

HE PUT IN THE PLUMBING.
HE BUILT THE PARKING LOT.
HEY, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE,

HE BUILT THE PARKING LOT.
HEY, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE,
ANYWAY?

HEY, WHAT HAVE YOU GOT HERE,
ANYWAY?
[Native American accent]

ANYWAY?
[Native American accent]
NICK, THIS IS THE VICIOUS DESERT

[Native American accent]
NICK, THIS IS THE VICIOUS DESERT
SIDEWINDER, THE MOST DANGEROUS

NICK, THIS IS THE VICIOUS DESERT
SIDEWINDER, THE MOST DANGEROUS
SNAKE IN THE WHOLE STATE OF

SIDEWINDER, THE MOST DANGEROUS
SNAKE IN THE WHOLE STATE OF
NEVADA.

SNAKE IN THE WHOLE STATE OF
NEVADA.
YIKE. HOW DID YOU GET IT?

NEVADA.
YIKE. HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I BACKED OVER HIM WITH THE

YIKE. HOW DID YOU GET IT?
I BACKED OVER HIM WITH THE
PICKUP TRUCK.

I BACKED OVER HIM WITH THE
PICKUP TRUCK.
YOU CAN SEE HE WAS WINDING TO

PICKUP TRUCK.
YOU CAN SEE HE WAS WINDING TO
THE SIDE WHEN I DID IT.

YOU CAN SEE HE WAS WINDING TO
THE SIDE WHEN I DID IT.
YOU KNOW, AT NIGHT, THESE

THE SIDE WHEN I DID IT.
YOU KNOW, AT NIGHT, THESE
SNAKES, THEY LIKE TO CRAWL OUT

YOU KNOW, AT NIGHT, THESE
SNAKES, THEY LIKE TO CRAWL OUT
OF THE ASPHALT, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE

SNAKES, THEY LIKE TO CRAWL OUT
OF THE ASPHALT, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE
IT'S STILL WARM.

OF THE ASPHALT, YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE
IT'S STILL WARM.
THEN THEY RELAX ONE EYE, SO

IT'S STILL WARM.
THEN THEY RELAX ONE EYE, SO
WATCH IT THERE WHEN YOU GO OUT

THEN THEY RELAX ONE EYE, SO
WATCH IT THERE WHEN YOU GO OUT
IN THE PARKING LOT.

WATCH IT THERE WHEN YOU GO OUT
IN THE PARKING LOT.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.

IN THE PARKING LOT.
YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
I GOT TO GET MYSELF A DRINK.

YOU NEVER KNOW WHERE THEY ARE.
I GOT TO GET MYSELF A DRINK.
WELL, THANK YOU, JIMMY JOE.

I GOT TO GET MYSELF A DRINK.
WELL, THANK YOU, JIMMY JOE.
I THINK IT'S AN OLD INDIAN

WELL, THANK YOU, JIMMY JOE.
I THINK IT'S AN OLD INDIAN
TRICK.

I THINK IT'S AN OLD INDIAN
TRICK.
HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME FIREWATER

TRICK.
HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME FIREWATER
FOR MY ARCHITECT, PLEASE?

HEY, HOW ABOUT SOME FIREWATER
FOR MY ARCHITECT, PLEASE?
I'LL TELL YOU, OUT IN THE

FOR MY ARCHITECT, PLEASE?
I'LL TELL YOU, OUT IN THE
PARKING LOT, KICK SOME STONES

I'LL TELL YOU, OUT IN THE
PARKING LOT, KICK SOME STONES
UNDER YOUR CAR BEFORE YOU GET

PARKING LOT, KICK SOME STONES
UNDER YOUR CAR BEFORE YOU GET
THERE.

UNDER YOUR CAR BEFORE YOU GET
THERE.
THAT LETS THEM KNOW YOU'RE

THERE.
THAT LETS THEM KNOW YOU'RE
GETTING THERE.

THAT LETS THEM KNOW YOU'RE
GETTING THERE.
[BELL DINGS]

GETTING THERE.
[BELL DINGS]
UH-OH.

[BELL DINGS]
UH-OH.
THAT'S THE BAD-NEWS BELL HERE AT

UH-OH.
THAT'S THE BAD-NEWS BELL HERE AT
S.N.O.

THAT'S THE BAD-NEWS BELL HERE AT
S.N.O.
YEAH.

S.N.O.
YEAH.
SEE, WE HAVE A LIMITED LIQUOR

YEAH.
SEE, WE HAVE A LIMITED LIQUOR
LICENSE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE 200

SEE, WE HAVE A LIMITED LIQUOR
LICENSE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE 200
YARDS OUTSIDE OF THE ZONING

LICENSE HERE BECAUSE WE ARE 200
YARDS OUTSIDE OF THE ZONING
AREA WHICH WOULD'VE LET US STAY

YARDS OUTSIDE OF THE ZONING
AREA WHICH WOULD'VE LET US STAY
OPEN ALL NIGHT.

AREA WHICH WOULD'VE LET US STAY
OPEN ALL NIGHT.
SO WE GOT TO CLOSE AT 11:00 NOW,

OPEN ALL NIGHT.
SO WE GOT TO CLOSE AT 11:00 NOW,
BUT WE ARE WORKING ON OUR 2:00

SO WE GOT TO CLOSE AT 11:00 NOW,
BUT WE ARE WORKING ON OUR 2:00
PAPERS, AND THEN, HOPEFULLY, THE

BUT WE ARE WORKING ON OUR 2:00
PAPERS, AND THEN, HOPEFULLY, THE
24-HOUR LICENSE.

PAPERS, AND THEN, HOPEFULLY, THE
24-HOUR LICENSE.
BUT WE GOT TO THROW YOU OUT NOW

24-HOUR LICENSE.
BUT WE GOT TO THROW YOU OUT NOW
'CAUSE...

BUT WE GOT TO THROW YOU OUT NOW
'CAUSE...
♪ WHEN WE GET BEHIND

'CAUSE...
♪ WHEN WE GET BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ WHEN WE GET BEHIND
CLOSED DOORS ♪
COME ON, GIRLS, DRINK UP.

CLOSED DOORS ♪
COME ON, GIRLS, DRINK UP.
COME ON.

COME ON, GIRLS, DRINK UP.
COME ON.
TAKE THEM DOWN.

COME ON.
TAKE THEM DOWN.
♪ THAT'S WHEN I LET MY HAIR

TAKE THEM DOWN.
♪ THAT'S WHEN I LET MY HAIR
HANG LOW ♪

♪ THAT'S WHEN I LET MY HAIR
HANG LOW ♪
LET'S GO, PEOPLE!

HANG LOW ♪
LET'S GO, PEOPLE!
TIME TO FACE REALITY!

LET'S GO, PEOPLE!
TIME TO FACE REALITY!
LET'S GO!

TIME TO FACE REALITY!
LET'S GO!
♪ AND SHE MAKES ME GLAD

LET'S GO!
♪ AND SHE MAKES ME GLAD
THAT I'M A MAN ♪

♪ AND SHE MAKES ME GLAD
THAT I'M A MAN ♪
COME ON.

THAT I'M A MAN ♪
COME ON.
THEY'RE VERY TOUGH ON US.

COME ON.
THEY'RE VERY TOUGH ON US.
PLEASE MOVE IT ON.

THEY'RE VERY TOUGH ON US.
PLEASE MOVE IT ON.
♪ 'CAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT

PLEASE MOVE IT ON.
♪ 'CAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT
GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE NO ONE KNOWS WHAT
GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS ♪
♪ BEHIND CLOSED DO-O-O-ORS ♪

GOES ON BEHIND CLOSED DOORS ♪
♪ BEHIND CLOSED DO-O-O-ORS ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
"MORE FLU TO WORRY ABOUT."
I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE, AND

"MORE FLU TO WORRY ABOUT."
I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE, AND
TONIGHT'S GUEST,

I'M YOUR HOST, JOAN FACE, AND
TONIGHT'S GUEST,
DR. IKE BODANZA, IS WELL KNOWN

TONIGHT'S GUEST,
DR. IKE BODANZA, IS WELL KNOWN
FOR HIS WORK IN ISOLATING NEW

DR. IKE BODANZA, IS WELL KNOWN
FOR HIS WORK IN ISOLATING NEW
STRAINS OF FLU VIRUS.

FOR HIS WORK IN ISOLATING NEW
STRAINS OF FLU VIRUS.
DR. BODANZA, IT ALREADY SEEMS

STRAINS OF FLU VIRUS.
DR. BODANZA, IT ALREADY SEEMS
LIKE THERE'S BEEN ONE FLU SCARE

DR. BODANZA, IT ALREADY SEEMS
LIKE THERE'S BEEN ONE FLU SCARE
AFTER ANOTHER... ASIAN FLU,

LIKE THERE'S BEEN ONE FLU SCARE
AFTER ANOTHER... ASIAN FLU,
SWINE FLU, RUSSIAN FLU... AND

AFTER ANOTHER... ASIAN FLU,
SWINE FLU, RUSSIAN FLU... AND
NOW PATHOLOGISTS PREDICT THAT IN

SWINE FLU, RUSSIAN FLU... AND
NOW PATHOLOGISTS PREDICT THAT IN
THE '80s, ENTIRE POPULATIONS

NOW PATHOLOGISTS PREDICT THAT IN
THE '80s, ENTIRE POPULATIONS
WILL BE WIPED OUT BY MASSIVE FLU

THE '80s, ENTIRE POPULATIONS
WILL BE WIPED OUT BY MASSIVE FLU
EPIDEMICS, YOU KNOW... LIKE THE

WILL BE WIPED OUT BY MASSIVE FLU
EPIDEMICS, YOU KNOW... LIKE THE
BUBONIC PLAGUE IN THE

EPIDEMICS, YOU KNOW... LIKE THE
BUBONIC PLAGUE IN THE
MIDDLE AGES?

BUBONIC PLAGUE IN THE
MIDDLE AGES?
[Laughing] YES.

MIDDLE AGES?
[Laughing] YES.
THERE'S NO POINT IN SUGARCOATING

[Laughing] YES.
THERE'S NO POINT IN SUGARCOATING
THE TRUTH, MS. FACE.

THERE'S NO POINT IN SUGARCOATING
THE TRUTH, MS. FACE.
WHEN IT COMES TO FLU, THE '80s

THE TRUTH, MS. FACE.
WHEN IT COMES TO FLU, THE '80s
ARE GONNA BE PRETTY GRIM.

WHEN IT COMES TO FLU, THE '80s
ARE GONNA BE PRETTY GRIM.
WELL, DR. BODANZA, THE

ARE GONNA BE PRETTY GRIM.
WELL, DR. BODANZA, THE
VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW DON'T TUNE

WELL, DR. BODANZA, THE
VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW DON'T TUNE
TO LISTEN TO FAIRY TALES.

VIEWERS OF THIS SHOW DON'T TUNE
TO LISTEN TO FAIRY TALES.
BY AND LARGE, THEY'RE EITHER FLU

TO LISTEN TO FAIRY TALES.
BY AND LARGE, THEY'RE EITHER FLU
SPECIALISTS OR HYPOCHONDRIACS,

BY AND LARGE, THEY'RE EITHER FLU
SPECIALISTS OR HYPOCHONDRIACS,
AND THEY WANT TO HEAR THE WORST.

SPECIALISTS OR HYPOCHONDRIACS,
AND THEY WANT TO HEAR THE WORST.
GOOD, BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO JUST

AND THEY WANT TO HEAR THE WORST.
GOOD, BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO JUST
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MILD,

GOOD, BECAUSE PEOPLE WHO JUST
WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MILD,
GENTLE, NICE FLUS MAKE ME SICK.

WANT TO HEAR ABOUT THE MILD,
GENTLE, NICE FLUS MAKE ME SICK.
OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE MOST

GENTLE, NICE FLUS MAKE ME SICK.
OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE MOST
HORRIBLE OF THE NEW FALL FLUS?

OKAY, SO WHAT'S THE MOST
HORRIBLE OF THE NEW FALL FLUS?
ALL RIGHT.

HORRIBLE OF THE NEW FALL FLUS?
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I HATE TO SINGLE ONE OUT WHEN

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE.
I HATE TO SINGLE ONE OUT WHEN
THERE ARE SO MANY.

I HATE TO SINGLE ONE OUT WHEN
THERE ARE SO MANY.
THERE'S DANISH FLU, PAKISTANI

THERE ARE SO MANY.
THERE'S DANISH FLU, PAKISTANI
FLU, THE TOAD FLU.

THERE'S DANISH FLU, PAKISTANI
FLU, THE TOAD FLU.
TOAD FLU... NOW, ISN'T THAT

FLU, THE TOAD FLU.
TOAD FLU... NOW, ISN'T THAT
THE ONE WHERE INSTEAD OF

TOAD FLU... NOW, ISN'T THAT
THE ONE WHERE INSTEAD OF
VOMITING AND DIARRHEA,

THE ONE WHERE INSTEAD OF
VOMITING AND DIARRHEA,
EVERYTHING BACKS UP AND DOWN IN

VOMITING AND DIARRHEA,
EVERYTHING BACKS UP AND DOWN IN
YOUR BODY UNTIL YOU EXPLODE?

EVERYTHING BACKS UP AND DOWN IN
YOUR BODY UNTIL YOU EXPLODE?
EXACTLY.

YOUR BODY UNTIL YOU EXPLODE?
EXACTLY.
IT'S A GRISLY BUSINESS FOR THE

EXACTLY.
IT'S A GRISLY BUSINESS FOR THE
CLOSE RELATIVES, MS. FACE.

IT'S A GRISLY BUSINESS FOR THE
CLOSE RELATIVES, MS. FACE.
OH, YES, I KNOW.

CLOSE RELATIVES, MS. FACE.
OH, YES, I KNOW.
MY AUNT HAD IT.

OH, YES, I KNOW.
MY AUNT HAD IT.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.

MY AUNT HAD IT.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
WE HAD TO REPAPER THE ENTIRE

IT WAS TERRIBLE.
WE HAD TO REPAPER THE ENTIRE
HOUSE.

WE HAD TO REPAPER THE ENTIRE
HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]

HOUSE.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, NOW, I KNOW YOU WANT TO

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, NOW, I KNOW YOU WANT TO
ASK ME ABOUT THIS ONE.

WELL, NOW, I KNOW YOU WANT TO
ASK ME ABOUT THIS ONE.
IF IT'S ABOUT FLU, I DO.

ASK ME ABOUT THIS ONE.
IF IT'S ABOUT FLU, I DO.
THE MOST DISTURBING NEW

IF IT'S ABOUT FLU, I DO.
THE MOST DISTURBING NEW
MICROBE OF ALL... THE AUSTRALIAN

THE MOST DISTURBING NEW
MICROBE OF ALL... THE AUSTRALIAN
FLU.

MICROBE OF ALL... THE AUSTRALIAN
FLU.
THIS IS ONE STUNNINGLY OBNOXIOUS

FLU.
THIS IS ONE STUNNINGLY OBNOXIOUS
VIRUS.

THIS IS ONE STUNNINGLY OBNOXIOUS
VIRUS.
REALLY? GO ON.

VIRUS.
REALLY? GO ON.
WELL, FIRST OFF, THEY LOVE TO

REALLY? GO ON.
WELL, FIRST OFF, THEY LOVE TO
TRAVEL.

WELL, FIRST OFF, THEY LOVE TO
TRAVEL.
THIS VIRUS CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT

TRAVEL.
THIS VIRUS CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT
OF AUSTRALIA AND INTO YOUR BODY,

THIS VIRUS CAN'T WAIT TO GET OUT
OF AUSTRALIA AND INTO YOUR BODY,
AND WHO CAN BLAME THEM?

OF AUSTRALIA AND INTO YOUR BODY,
AND WHO CAN BLAME THEM?
WELL, HAS IT REACHED AMERICA

AND WHO CAN BLAME THEM?
WELL, HAS IT REACHED AMERICA
YET?

WELL, HAS IT REACHED AMERICA
YET?
MS. FACE, AT PRESENT, THERE

YET?
MS. FACE, AT PRESENT, THERE
ARE THREE CARRIERS OF AUSTRALIAN

MS. FACE, AT PRESENT, THERE
ARE THREE CARRIERS OF AUSTRALIAN
FLU LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES.

ARE THREE CARRIERS OF AUSTRALIAN
FLU LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES.
REALLY?

FLU LIVING IN THE UNITED STATES.
REALLY?
YOU KEEP TABS ON THEM?

REALLY?
YOU KEEP TABS ON THEM?
ABSOLUTELY.

YOU KEEP TABS ON THEM?
ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, WHO ARE THEY?

ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, WHO ARE THEY?
OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN,

WELL, WHO ARE THEY?
OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN,
HELEN REDDY, AND LANA CANTRELL.

OLIVIA NEWTON JOHN,
HELEN REDDY, AND LANA CANTRELL.
WELL, HOW DID YOU PIN IT DOWN

HELEN REDDY, AND LANA CANTRELL.
WELL, HOW DID YOU PIN IT DOWN
ON THEM?

WELL, HOW DID YOU PIN IT DOWN
ON THEM?
WE OBSERVED THE HIGHEST

ON THEM?
WE OBSERVED THE HIGHEST
INCIDENCE OF INFECTION OCCURRED

WE OBSERVED THE HIGHEST
INCIDENCE OF INFECTION OCCURRED
WHENEVER OLIVIA, HELEN, OR LANA

INCIDENCE OF INFECTION OCCURRED
WHENEVER OLIVIA, HELEN, OR LANA
DID A CLUB DATE.

WHENEVER OLIVIA, HELEN, OR LANA
DID A CLUB DATE.
WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS AND

DID A CLUB DATE.
WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS AND
MILLIONS OF CHILDREN GOING TO

WHAT ABOUT THE MILLIONS AND
MILLIONS OF CHILDREN GOING TO
SEE "GREASE" FIVE, SIX, SEVEN

MILLIONS OF CHILDREN GOING TO
SEE "GREASE" FIVE, SIX, SEVEN
TIMES?

SEE "GREASE" FIVE, SIX, SEVEN
TIMES?
NO, NO, NO.

TIMES?
NO, NO, NO.
IT'S ONLY SPREAD THROUGH

NO, NO, NO.
IT'S ONLY SPREAD THROUGH
PERSONAL APPEARANCES.

IT'S ONLY SPREAD THROUGH
PERSONAL APPEARANCES.
OH, THANK GOD.

PERSONAL APPEARANCES.
OH, THANK GOD.
WELL, WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF

OH, THANK GOD.
WELL, WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF
AUSTRALIAN FLU?

WELL, WHAT ARE THE SYMPTOMS OF
AUSTRALIAN FLU?
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL,

AUSTRALIAN FLU?
IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL,
MS. FACE, A TINY 747 JAM-PACKED

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL,
MS. FACE, A TINY 747 JAM-PACKED
WITH AUSTRALIA TOURIST VIRUSES

MS. FACE, A TINY 747 JAM-PACKED
WITH AUSTRALIA TOURIST VIRUSES
WHO HAVE NEVER LEFT HOME BEFORE

WITH AUSTRALIA TOURIST VIRUSES
WHO HAVE NEVER LEFT HOME BEFORE
LANDING IN YOUR RESPIRATORY

WHO HAVE NEVER LEFT HOME BEFORE
LANDING IN YOUR RESPIRATORY
SYSTEM, AND WHILE YOU'RE

LANDING IN YOUR RESPIRATORY
SYSTEM, AND WHILE YOU'RE
CONTEMPLATING THAT, THINK ABOUT

SYSTEM, AND WHILE YOU'RE
CONTEMPLATING THAT, THINK ABOUT
A CONTINENT WITH ONLY ONE

CONTEMPLATING THAT, THINK ABOUT
A CONTINENT WITH ONLY ONE
COUNTRY ON IT.

A CONTINENT WITH ONLY ONE
COUNTRY ON IT.
WHY?

COUNTRY ON IT.
WHY?
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH

WHY?
WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
ANYTHING?

WHAT DOES THAT HAVE TO DO WITH
ANYTHING?
I DON'T KNOW.

ANYTHING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS

I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS
STUPID.

I JUST ALWAYS THOUGHT IT WAS
STUPID.
ALL RIGHT.

STUPID.
ALL RIGHT.
BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN FLU.

ALL RIGHT.
BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN FLU.
HOW LONG DOES IT LAST?

BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN FLU.
HOW LONG DOES IT LAST?
Australia is just one... AH!

HOW LONG DOES IT LAST?
Australia is just one... AH!
WELL, IT'S A 21-DAY-EXCURSION

Australia is just one... AH!
WELL, IT'S A 21-DAY-EXCURSION
FLU.

WELL, IT'S A 21-DAY-EXCURSION
FLU.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.

FLU.
LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
TO THIS VIRUS, YOUR BODY IS A

LET ME PUT IT THIS WAY.
TO THIS VIRUS, YOUR BODY IS A
CLUB MED FOR MICROBES.

TO THIS VIRUS, YOUR BODY IS A
CLUB MED FOR MICROBES.
THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE

CLUB MED FOR MICROBES.
THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE
HUMAN HOST.

THEY HAVE NO RESPECT FOR THE
HUMAN HOST.
WELL, WHO IS THE IDEAL HOST?

HUMAN HOST.
WELL, WHO IS THE IDEAL HOST?
I'D STILL HAVE TO SAY

WELL, WHO IS THE IDEAL HOST?
I'D STILL HAVE TO SAY
JOHNNY CARSON.

I'D STILL HAVE TO SAY
JOHNNY CARSON.
[LAUGHS]

JOHNNY CARSON.
[LAUGHS]
OH, BUT BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN

[LAUGHS]
OH, BUT BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN
FLU.

OH, BUT BACK TO THE AUSTRALIAN
FLU.
I THINK YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND

FLU.
I THINK YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
ITS MENTALITY.

I THINK YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
ITS MENTALITY.
THESE MICROBES ARE ON VACATION.

ITS MENTALITY.
THESE MICROBES ARE ON VACATION.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.

THESE MICROBES ARE ON VACATION.
THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
THEY JUST WANT TO LIVE OUT THEIR

THEY DON'T CARE ABOUT YOU.
THEY JUST WANT TO LIVE OUT THEIR
FANTASIES, WHETHER IT'S CLIMBING

THEY JUST WANT TO LIVE OUT THEIR
FANTASIES, WHETHER IT'S CLIMBING
ON A WHITE CORPUSCLE AND SURFING

FANTASIES, WHETHER IT'S CLIMBING
ON A WHITE CORPUSCLE AND SURFING
THROUGH THE BLOODSTREAM OR JUST

ON A WHITE CORPUSCLE AND SURFING
THROUGH THE BLOODSTREAM OR JUST
LOUNGING IN THE ISLES OF

THROUGH THE BLOODSTREAM OR JUST
LOUNGING IN THE ISLES OF
LENGERHANS.

LOUNGING IN THE ISLES OF
LENGERHANS.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,

LENGERHANS.
WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,
AUSTRALIANS ARE GOOD TRAVELERS.

WELL, YOU HAVE TO ADMIT,
AUSTRALIANS ARE GOOD TRAVELERS.
AH, BUT THEY TRY TO DO TOO

AUSTRALIANS ARE GOOD TRAVELERS.
AH, BUT THEY TRY TO DO TOO
MUCH.

AH, BUT THEY TRY TO DO TOO
MUCH.
THEY WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING THE

MUCH.
THEY WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING THE
FIRST DAY.

THEY WANT TO SEE EVERYTHING THE
FIRST DAY.
I MEAN, THE SCHEDULE IS

FIRST DAY.
I MEAN, THE SCHEDULE IS
UNREALISTIC.

I MEAN, THE SCHEDULE IS
UNREALISTIC.
LISTEN TO THIS ITINERARY.

UNREALISTIC.
LISTEN TO THIS ITINERARY.
FOR EXAMPLE, 8:00 TO 9:00,

LISTEN TO THIS ITINERARY.
FOR EXAMPLE, 8:00 TO 9:00,
BREAKFAST IN THE BRAIN, 9:00 TO

FOR EXAMPLE, 8:00 TO 9:00,
BREAKFAST IN THE BRAIN, 9:00 TO
10:00, A HIKE IN THE THIGHS,

BREAKFAST IN THE BRAIN, 9:00 TO
10:00, A HIKE IN THE THIGHS,
10:00 TO 12:00, SHOPPING IN THE

10:00, A HIKE IN THE THIGHS,
10:00 TO 12:00, SHOPPING IN THE
KIDNEYS, AND NOON, LUNCH IN THE

10:00 TO 12:00, SHOPPING IN THE
KIDNEYS, AND NOON, LUNCH IN THE
SMALL INTESTINES, OR AS THEY

KIDNEYS, AND NOON, LUNCH IN THE
SMALL INTESTINES, OR AS THEY
LIKE TO CALL IT, UN PETIT CôLON.

SMALL INTESTINES, OR AS THEY
LIKE TO CALL IT, UN PETIT CôLON.
[LAUGHTER]

LIKE TO CALL IT, UN PETIT CôLON.
[LAUGHTER]
WHAT A PACE.

[LAUGHTER]
WHAT A PACE.
I COULDN'T DO IT.

WHAT A PACE.
I COULDN'T DO IT.
THAT'S JUST THE MORNING.

I COULDN'T DO IT.
THAT'S JUST THE MORNING.
IT NEVER LETS UP.

THAT'S JUST THE MORNING.
IT NEVER LETS UP.
HAPPY HOUR IN THE TONGUE, DISCO

IT NEVER LETS UP.
HAPPY HOUR IN THE TONGUE, DISCO
DANCING IN THE FEET.

HAPPY HOUR IN THE TONGUE, DISCO
DANCING IN THE FEET.
IF THERE'S TIME AND THEY STILL

DANCING IN THE FEET.
IF THERE'S TIME AND THEY STILL
HAVE THE ENERGY, THEY'LL TAKE IN

IF THERE'S TIME AND THEY STILL
HAVE THE ENERGY, THEY'LL TAKE IN
A TOENAIL.

HAVE THE ENERGY, THEY'LL TAKE IN
A TOENAIL.
IT'S CRAZY. IT'S CRAZY!

A TOENAIL.
IT'S CRAZY. IT'S CRAZY!
IT IS CRAZY.

IT'S CRAZY. IT'S CRAZY!
IT IS CRAZY.
I ADMIT IT. WAIT A MINUTE.

IT IS CRAZY.
I ADMIT IT. WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST REMEMBERED.

I ADMIT IT. WAIT A MINUTE.
I JUST REMEMBERED.
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO SAW

I JUST REMEMBERED.
I KNOW SOMEONE WHO SAW
LANA CANTRELL AT THE

I KNOW SOMEONE WHO SAW
LANA CANTRELL AT THE
RAINBOW GRILL.

LANA CANTRELL AT THE
RAINBOW GRILL.
DOES THAT MEAN THIS PERSON

RAINBOW GRILL.
DOES THAT MEAN THIS PERSON
CONTRACTED THE FLU?

DOES THAT MEAN THIS PERSON
CONTRACTED THE FLU?
ABSOLUTELY.

CONTRACTED THE FLU?
ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, WHAT CAN THEY DO?

ABSOLUTELY.
WELL, WHAT CAN THEY DO?
WHAT CAN THEY DO?

WELL, WHAT CAN THEY DO?
WHAT CAN THEY DO?
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.

WHAT CAN THEY DO?
MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.

MAKE THE BEST OF IT.
THAT'S WHAT I DO.
BECOME A TOURIST TRAP.

THAT'S WHAT I DO.
BECOME A TOURIST TRAP.
OVERCHARGE THE LITTLE SUCKERS.

BECOME A TOURIST TRAP.
OVERCHARGE THE LITTLE SUCKERS.
IF YOU MAKE IT TOO INVITING,

OVERCHARGE THE LITTLE SUCKERS.
IF YOU MAKE IT TOO INVITING,
THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE.

IF YOU MAKE IT TOO INVITING,
THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE.
GIVE THEM BAD ACCOMMODATIONS,

THEY'LL NEVER LEAVE.
GIVE THEM BAD ACCOMMODATIONS,
SLOW ROOM SERVICE.

GIVE THEM BAD ACCOMMODATIONS,
SLOW ROOM SERVICE.
THEY HATE SLOW ROOM SERVICE,

SLOW ROOM SERVICE.
THEY HATE SLOW ROOM SERVICE,
MS. FACE.

THEY HATE SLOW ROOM SERVICE,
MS. FACE.
WELL, WHO DOESN'T,

MS. FACE.
WELL, WHO DOESN'T,
DR. BODANZA?

WELL, WHO DOESN'T,
DR. BODANZA?
AND I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S ALL

DR. BODANZA?
AND I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S ALL
THE TIME WE HAVE ON

AND I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S ALL
THE TIME WE HAVE ON
"MORE FLU TO WORRY ABOUT."

THE TIME WE HAVE ON
"MORE FLU TO WORRY ABOUT."
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

"MORE FLU TO WORRY ABOUT."
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
GIVE THEM A HARD TIME.

THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
GIVE THEM A HARD TIME.
DON'T MAKE UP THEIR BED.

GIVE THEM A HARD TIME.
DON'T MAKE UP THEIR BED.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, THE
GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GRATEFUL DEAD.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["I NEED A MIRACLE" PLAYS]

♪ I NEED A WOMAN
'BOUT TWICE MY AGE ♪
♪ A LADY OF NOBILITY, GENTILITY,

'BOUT TWICE MY AGE ♪
♪ A LADY OF NOBILITY, GENTILITY,
AND RAGE ♪

♪ A LADY OF NOBILITY, GENTILITY,
AND RAGE ♪
♪ SPLENDOR IN THE DARK ♪

AND RAGE ♪
♪ SPLENDOR IN THE DARK ♪
♪ LIGHTNING ON THE DRAW ♪

♪ SPLENDOR IN THE DARK ♪
♪ LIGHTNING ON THE DRAW ♪
♪ WE'LL GO RIGHT THROUGH

♪ LIGHTNING ON THE DRAW ♪
♪ WE'LL GO RIGHT THROUGH
THE BOOK AND BREAK

♪ WE'LL GO RIGHT THROUGH
THE BOOK AND BREAK
EACH AND EVERY LAW ♪

THE BOOK AND BREAK
EACH AND EVERY LAW ♪
♪ I GOT A FEELING ♪

EACH AND EVERY LAW ♪
♪ I GOT A FEELING ♪
♪ A FEELING TODAY, YEAH ♪

♪ JUST ONE THING,
THEN I'LL BE OKAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A WOMAN
'BOUT TWICE MY HEIGHT ♪
♪ STATUESQUE, RAVEN-DRESSED,

'BOUT TWICE MY HEIGHT ♪
♪ STATUESQUE, RAVEN-DRESSED,
A GODDESS OF THE NIGHT ♪

♪ STATUESQUE, RAVEN-DRESSED,
A GODDESS OF THE NIGHT ♪
♪ SECRET INCANTATIONS,

A GODDESS OF THE NIGHT ♪
♪ SECRET INCANTATIONS,
CANDLE BURNING BLUE ♪

♪ SECRET INCANTATIONS,
CANDLE BURNING BLUE ♪
♪ WE'LL CONSULT THE SPIRITS ♪

CANDLE BURNING BLUE ♪
♪ WE'LL CONSULT THE SPIRITS ♪
♪ MAYBE THEY'LL KNOW

♪ WE'LL CONSULT THE SPIRITS ♪
♪ MAYBE THEY'LL KNOW
WHAT TO DO ♪

♪ MAYBE THEY'LL KNOW
WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ AND IT'S REAL ♪

WHAT TO DO ♪
♪ AND IT'S REAL ♪
♪ THIS FEELING TODAY, YEAH ♪

♪ JUST WON'T RUN AWAY,
WON'T GO AWAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A WOMAN
'BOUT TWICE MY WEIGHT ♪
♪ A TON OF FUN WHO PACKS A GUN

'BOUT TWICE MY WEIGHT ♪
♪ A TON OF FUN WHO PACKS A GUN
WITH ALL HER OTHER FREIGHT ♪

♪ A TON OF FUN WHO PACKS A GUN
WITH ALL HER OTHER FREIGHT ♪
♪ FIND HER IN A SIDESHOW,

WITH ALL HER OTHER FREIGHT ♪
♪ FIND HER IN A SIDESHOW,
LEAVE HER IN L.A. ♪

♪ FIND HER IN A SIDESHOW,
LEAVE HER IN L.A. ♪
♪ RIDE HER LIKE A SURFER

LEAVE HER IN L.A. ♪
♪ RIDE HER LIKE A SURFER
RUNNING ON A TIDAL WAVE ♪

♪ RIDE HER LIKE A SURFER
RUNNING ON A TIDAL WAVE ♪
♪ AND IT'S REAL ♪

RUNNING ON A TIDAL WAVE ♪
♪ AND IT'S REAL ♪
♪ NO, IT WON'T GO AWAY, NO ♪

♪ AND IT'S REAL ♪
♪ NO, IT WON'T GO AWAY, NO ♪
♪ JUST ONE THING

♪ NO, IT WON'T GO AWAY, NO ♪
♪ JUST ONE THING
THAT I GOT TO SAY ♪

♪ JUST ONE THING
THAT I GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪

THAT I GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪
♪ TAKES DYNAMITE TO GET ME UP ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪
♪ TAKES DYNAMITE TO GET ME UP ♪
♪ TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING

♪ TAKES DYNAMITE TO GET ME UP ♪
♪ TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING
IS JUST ENOUGH ♪

♪ TOO MUCH OF EVERYTHING
IS JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ JUST ONE THING

IS JUST ENOUGH ♪
♪ JUST ONE THING
I JUST GOT TO SAY ♪

♪ JUST ONE THING
I JUST GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪

I JUST GOT TO SAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ EVERY DAY ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ EVERY DAY ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ GOT TO BE THE ONLY WAY ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ GOT TO BE THE ONLY WAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪

♪ GOT TO BE THE ONLY WAY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, HEY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪
♪ OH, YEAH, HEY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ OH, YEAH, HEY ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ JUST WANT A MIRACLE ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ JUST WANT A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ JUST WANT A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF MIRACLE ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ SOME KIND OF MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE

♪ SOME KIND OF MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪

♪ I NEED A MIRACLE
EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I MUST HAVE A MIRACLE ♪

EVERY DAY ♪
♪ I MUST HAVE A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪

♪ I MUST HAVE A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪
♪ I NEED A MIRACLE ♪

["GOOD LOVIN'" PLAYS]

♪ WELL, I WAS FEELIN'
OH, SORT OF BAD, Y'ALL ♪
♪ ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR

OH, SORT OF BAD, Y'ALL ♪
♪ ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR
ABOUT WHAT I HAD, Y'ALL ♪

♪ ASKED MY FAMILY DOCTOR
ABOUT WHAT I HAD, Y'ALL ♪
♪ I SAID "NOW, DOC" ♪

ABOUT WHAT I HAD, Y'ALL ♪
♪ I SAID "NOW, DOC" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪

♪ I SAID "NOW, DOC" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "MISTER M.D." ♪

♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "MISTER M.D." ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪

♪ "MISTER M.D." ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "OH, CAN YOU TELL ME" ♪

♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "OH, CAN YOU TELL ME" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪

♪ "OH, CAN YOU TELL ME" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "WHAT'S AILIN' ME?" ♪

♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ "WHAT'S AILIN' ME?" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪

♪ "WHAT'S AILIN' ME?" ♪
♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

♪ DOCTOR ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH" ♪

♪ HE SAID, "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH" ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

YEAH, YEAH" ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪

YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪
♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪

♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪
♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪

♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE

♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ HEY, NOW,

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ HEY, NOW,
YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

♪ HEY, NOW,
YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,

YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME SOME LOVIN' ♪

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ SO COME ON, BABY ♪
♪ OH, SQUEEZE ME TIGHT ♪
♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ OH, SQUEEZE ME TIGHT ♪
♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WANT YOUR DADDY

♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ DON'T YOU WANT YOUR DADDY
TO BE ALL RIGHT? ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WANT YOUR DADDY
TO BE ALL RIGHT? ♪
♪ I SAID, NOW, BABY ♪

TO BE ALL RIGHT? ♪
♪ I SAID, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ BABY ♪

♪ I SAID, NOW, BABY ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ OH, IT'S FOR SURE ♪

♪ BABY ♪
♪ OH, IT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪

♪ OH, IT'S FOR SURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ I GOT THE FEVER ♪

♪ BABY ♪
♪ I GOT THE FEVER ♪
♪ BABY ♪

♪ I GOT THE FEVER ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE CURE ♪

♪ BABY ♪
♪ YOU GOT THE CURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪

♪ YOU GOT THE CURE ♪
♪ BABY ♪
♪ SHE SAID "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

♪ BABY ♪
♪ SHE SAID "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH" ♪

♪ SHE SAID "YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH" ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,

YEAH, YEAH" ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH,
YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪

YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪
♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪

♪ "ALL YOU NEED ♪
♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪

♪ ALL YOU REALLY NEED ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪
♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE

♪ GOOD LOVIN'" ♪
♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪

♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪

♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪
♪ JUST A LITTLE GOOD LOVIN' ♪

LOVIN' ♪
♪ JUST A LITTLE GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ NOW, BABY, GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ HEY, NOW,
YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

♪ HEY, NOW,
YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
GOOD LOVIN' ♪

YOU GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE

GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪

♪ EVERYBODY GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME
SOME LOVIN' ♪

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME, GIMME
SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ MM, GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ JUST A LITTLE LOVIN' GONNA
MAKE YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ JUST A LITTLE LOVIN' GONNA
MAKE YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ SAID ALL RIGHT ♪

MAKE YOU FEEL ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ SAID ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ SO COME ON AND HELP ME SAY ♪

♪ SAID ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ SO COME ON AND HELP ME SAY ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

♪ SO COME ON AND HELP ME SAY ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ SAID GIVE ME SOME LOVIN' ♪

♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ SAID GIVE ME SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

♪ SAID GIVE ME SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ SAID GIMME GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ SAID GIMME GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW, TURN IT ON ♪

♪ SAID GIMME GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW, TURN IT ON ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪

♪ COME ON, NOW, TURN IT ON ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE WEAK

♪ SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU MAY BE WEAK
OR YOU MAY BE BLIND ♪

♪ YOU MAY BE WEAK
OR YOU MAY BE BLIND ♪
♪ EVEN A BLIND MAN KNOWS

OR YOU MAY BE BLIND ♪
♪ EVEN A BLIND MAN KNOWS
WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING ♪

♪ EVEN A BLIND MAN KNOWS
WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW ♪

WHEN THE SUN IS SHINING ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GET IN ♪

♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GET IN ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GET RIGHT

♪ EVERYBODY GET IN ♪
♪ EVERYBODY GET RIGHT
AND SAY ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ EVERYBODY GET RIGHT
AND SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

AND SAY ALL RIGHT ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪

♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ YOU WON'T REGRET IT ♪

♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ YOU WON'T REGRET IT ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO GO

♪ YOU WON'T REGRET IT ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO GO
FOR THE GOOD AGAIN ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO GO
FOR THE GOOD AGAIN ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

FOR THE GOOD AGAIN ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ COME ON, TURN IT ON ♪

♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ COME ON, TURN IT ON ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪

♪ COME ON, TURN IT ON ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪

♪ GOT TO HAVE LOVIN' ♪
♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ SAY YEAH ♪

♪ TURN ON YOUR LIGHT ♪
♪ SAY YEAH ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ SAY YEAH ♪
♪ GOT TO HAVE GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME

♪ GOT TO HAVE GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME
SOME LOVIN' ♪

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME
SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪

♪ HEY, NOW, YOU GOT TO HAVE
LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,

♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪
♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME SOME LOVIN' ♪

♪ GIMME, GIMME, GIMME,
GIMME SOME LOVIN' ♪
♪ GOOD LOVIN' ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GRATEFUL DEAD!
GRATEFUL DEAD!

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
HELLO? THIS THING ON?

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
HELLO? THIS THING ON?
EVERYBODY HEAR IN THE BACK?!

HELLO? THIS THING ON?
EVERYBODY HEAR IN THE BACK?!
OKAY, CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION,

EVERYBODY HEAR IN THE BACK?!
OKAY, CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?

OKAY, CAN I GET YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?
I THINK WE'RE ALL THROUGH

PLEASE?
I THINK WE'RE ALL THROUGH
EATING, AND AS WE DO HAVE SOME

I THINK WE'RE ALL THROUGH
EATING, AND AS WE DO HAVE SOME
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF, I'D

EATING, AND AS WE DO HAVE SOME
BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF, I'D
LIKE TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE

BUSINESS TO TAKE CARE OF, I'D
LIKE TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS

LIKE TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
TO ORDER.

ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
TO ORDER.
ALL RIGHT.

TO ORDER.
ALL RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON

ALL RIGHT.
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON
FATHER FITZFAGEN TO DELIVER THE

I'D LIKE TO CALL ON
FATHER FITZFAGEN TO DELIVER THE
INVOCATION.

FATHER FITZFAGEN TO DELIVER THE
INVOCATION.
FATHER FITZ.

INVOCATION.
FATHER FITZ.
[Irish accent] DEAR GOD,

FATHER FITZ.
[Irish accent] DEAR GOD,
PLEASE BLESS THIS MEETING OF THE

[Irish accent] DEAR GOD,
PLEASE BLESS THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS

PLEASE BLESS THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
COUNCIL AND SPORTS BANQUET.

ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
COUNCIL AND SPORTS BANQUET.
AMEN.

COUNCIL AND SPORTS BANQUET.
AMEN.
All: AMEN.

AMEN.
All: AMEN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FATHER.

All: AMEN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FATHER.
TONIGHT SOME OF US ARE IN OUR

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, FATHER.
TONIGHT SOME OF US ARE IN OUR
UNIFORMS BECAUSE WE JUST HAD THE

TONIGHT SOME OF US ARE IN OUR
UNIFORMS BECAUSE WE JUST HAD THE
OFFICIAL INSTALLATION OF

UNIFORMS BECAUSE WE JUST HAD THE
OFFICIAL INSTALLATION OF
OFFICERS BEFORE THE BANQUET, AND

OFFICIAL INSTALLATION OF
OFFICERS BEFORE THE BANQUET, AND
I'M VERY HONORED TO BE THE NEW

OFFICERS BEFORE THE BANQUET, AND
I'M VERY HONORED TO BE THE NEW
GRAND KNIGHT OF THE COUNCIL.

I'M VERY HONORED TO BE THE NEW
GRAND KNIGHT OF THE COUNCIL.
All: LONG LIVE THE

GRAND KNIGHT OF THE COUNCIL.
All: LONG LIVE THE
GRAND KNIGHT!

All: LONG LIVE THE
GRAND KNIGHT!
THANK YOU.

GRAND KNIGHT!
THANK YOU.
AND LET ME SAY AGAIN WHAT A

THANK YOU.
AND LET ME SAY AGAIN WHAT A
SPLENDID JOB OUR PAST

AND LET ME SAY AGAIN WHAT A
SPLENDID JOB OUR PAST
GRAND KNIGHT, AL SABATINO, DID

SPLENDID JOB OUR PAST
GRAND KNIGHT, AL SABATINO, DID
FOR THE PAST 43 YEARS.

GRAND KNIGHT, AL SABATINO, DID
FOR THE PAST 43 YEARS.
AL SABATINO.

FOR THE PAST 43 YEARS.
AL SABATINO.
[APPLAUSE]

AL SABATINO.
[APPLAUSE]
ALSO, UH... ALSO, I'D LIKE TO

[APPLAUSE]
ALSO, UH... ALSO, I'D LIKE TO
WELCOME... SITTING NEXT TO

ALSO, UH... ALSO, I'D LIKE TO
WELCOME... SITTING NEXT TO
BROTHER AL IS MY SON,

WELCOME... SITTING NEXT TO
BROTHER AL IS MY SON,
FRANCIS LEARY JR., AND, OF

BROTHER AL IS MY SON,
FRANCIS LEARY JR., AND, OF
COURSE, OUR GUEST SPEAKER, THE

FRANCIS LEARY JR., AND, OF
COURSE, OUR GUEST SPEAKER, THE
IMMORTAL CHICO ESCUELA.

COURSE, OUR GUEST SPEAKER, THE
IMMORTAL CHICO ESCUELA.
[APPLAUSE]

IMMORTAL CHICO ESCUELA.
[APPLAUSE]
GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, CHICO.

[APPLAUSE]
GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, CHICO.
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR NEW

GOOD TO HAVE YOU WITH US, CHICO.
I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR NEW
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT RECORDER AND

I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR NEW
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT RECORDER AND
SCRIBE, JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A

DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT RECORDER AND
SCRIBE, JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A
REPORT.

SCRIBE, JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A
REPORT.
JACK.

REPORT.
JACK.
YEAH.

JACK.
YEAH.
THANK YOU, FRANK.

YEAH.
THANK YOU, FRANK.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT

THANK YOU, FRANK.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
OUR NEWLY ELECTED GRAND KNIGHT,

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
OUR NEWLY ELECTED GRAND KNIGHT,
BROTHER FRANK LEARY, HERE IS A

OUR NEWLY ELECTED GRAND KNIGHT,
BROTHER FRANK LEARY, HERE IS A
BAD BOWLER, BUT WEDNESDAY NIGHT,

BROTHER FRANK LEARY, HERE IS A
BAD BOWLER, BUT WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
TIM FAYE AND I WERE MATCHED

BAD BOWLER, BUT WEDNESDAY NIGHT,
TIM FAYE AND I WERE MATCHED
AGAINST FRANK AND

TIM FAYE AND I WERE MATCHED
AGAINST FRANK AND
FATHER FITZFAGEN, AND, WELL,

AGAINST FRANK AND
FATHER FITZFAGEN, AND, WELL,
FRANK WASN'T DOING TOO WELL.

FATHER FITZFAGEN, AND, WELL,
FRANK WASN'T DOING TOO WELL.
FATHER FITZFAGEN HAD THREE

FRANK WASN'T DOING TOO WELL.
FATHER FITZFAGEN HAD THREE
STRIKES IN A ROW, WHICH IS WHAT

FATHER FITZFAGEN HAD THREE
STRIKES IN A ROW, WHICH IS WHAT
WE CALL A TURKEY.

STRIKES IN A ROW, WHICH IS WHAT
WE CALL A TURKEY.
I SAID, "FATHER, YOU GOT A

WE CALL A TURKEY.
I SAID, "FATHER, YOU GOT A
TURKEY."

I SAID, "FATHER, YOU GOT A
TURKEY."
THE GOOD FATHER REPLIED, "YES, I

TURKEY."
THE GOOD FATHER REPLIED, "YES, I
KNOW, BUT FRANK WAS THE ONLY

THE GOOD FATHER REPLIED, "YES, I
KNOW, BUT FRANK WAS THE ONLY
PARTNER AVAILABLE."

KNOW, BUT FRANK WAS THE ONLY
PARTNER AVAILABLE."
[LAUGHTER]

PARTNER AVAILABLE."
[LAUGHTER]
JUST KIDDING, FRANK.

[LAUGHTER]
JUST KIDDING, FRANK.
JUST KIDDING.

JUST KIDDING, FRANK.
JUST KIDDING.
ON TO THE MINUTES OF THE

JUST KIDDING.
ON TO THE MINUTES OF THE
MEETING.

ON TO THE MINUTES OF THE
MEETING.
WE MET THREE WEEKS AGO.

MEETING.
WE MET THREE WEEKS AGO.
GRAND KNIGHT SABATINO WASN'T

WE MET THREE WEEKS AGO.
GRAND KNIGHT SABATINO WASN'T
ABLE TO MAKE IT AGAIN, SO DEPUTY

GRAND KNIGHT SABATINO WASN'T
ABLE TO MAKE IT AGAIN, SO DEPUTY
GRAND KNIGHT LEARY PRESIDED.

ABLE TO MAKE IT AGAIN, SO DEPUTY
GRAND KNIGHT LEARY PRESIDED.
THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS, SO

GRAND KNIGHT LEARY PRESIDED.
THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS, SO
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT LEARY

THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS, SO
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT LEARY
THEN...

DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT LEARY
THEN...
UH, EXCUSE ME, JACK.

THEN...
UH, EXCUSE ME, JACK.
I FORGOT.

UH, EXCUSE ME, JACK.
I FORGOT.
IS THERE ANY NEW BUSINESS

I FORGOT.
IS THERE ANY NEW BUSINESS
TONIGHT?

IS THERE ANY NEW BUSINESS
TONIGHT?
NO?

TONIGHT?
NO?
GO AHEAD, JACK. SORRY.

NO?
GO AHEAD, JACK. SORRY.
AS THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS

GO AHEAD, JACK. SORRY.
AS THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS
THEN, THE MEETING WAS ADJOURNED,

AS THERE WAS NO NEW BUSINESS
THEN, THE MEETING WAS ADJOURNED,
AND THE BAR WAS OPENED.

THEN, THE MEETING WAS ADJOURNED,
AND THE BAR WAS OPENED.
I MOVE THAT THE MINUTES BE

AND THE BAR WAS OPENED.
I MOVE THAT THE MINUTES BE
APPROVED AS READ.

I MOVE THAT THE MINUTES BE
APPROVED AS READ.
SECOND.

APPROVED AS READ.
SECOND.
APPROVED AS READ.

SECOND.
APPROVED AS READ.
OKAY, FINANCIAL REPORT... WE

APPROVED AS READ.
OKAY, FINANCIAL REPORT... WE
HAD A DEFICIT GOING INTO THIS

OKAY, FINANCIAL REPORT... WE
HAD A DEFICIT GOING INTO THIS
MEETING OF $126.12, AND WE'VE

HAD A DEFICIT GOING INTO THIS
MEETING OF $126.12, AND WE'VE
SINCE SENT A CHECK FOR $50 TO

MEETING OF $126.12, AND WE'VE
SINCE SENT A CHECK FOR $50 TO
THE FAMILY OF BROTHER JAY CRANE,

SINCE SENT A CHECK FOR $50 TO
THE FAMILY OF BROTHER JAY CRANE,
WHO PASSED AWAY IN HIS SLEEP,

THE FAMILY OF BROTHER JAY CRANE,
WHO PASSED AWAY IN HIS SLEEP,
AND I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GONNA

WHO PASSED AWAY IN HIS SLEEP,
AND I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GONNA
MISS HIM.

AND I'M SURE WE'RE ALL GONNA
MISS HIM.
TONIGHT'S BANQUET WILL PUT US IN

MISS HIM.
TONIGHT'S BANQUET WILL PUT US IN
THE HOLE TO THE TUNE OF $1,383,

TONIGHT'S BANQUET WILL PUT US IN
THE HOLE TO THE TUNE OF $1,383,
DUE MAINLY TO THE FEE OF OUR

THE HOLE TO THE TUNE OF $1,383,
DUE MAINLY TO THE FEE OF OUR
GUEST SPEAKER, WHICH IS $900.

DUE MAINLY TO THE FEE OF OUR
GUEST SPEAKER, WHICH IS $900.
THEREFORE, I MOVE THAT WE ALL

GUEST SPEAKER, WHICH IS $900.
THEREFORE, I MOVE THAT WE ALL
GET OUT AND SELL THOSE RAFFLE

THEREFORE, I MOVE THAT WE ALL
GET OUT AND SELL THOSE RAFFLE
TICKETS FOR THAT BUICK REGAL YOU

GET OUT AND SELL THOSE RAFFLE
TICKETS FOR THAT BUICK REGAL YOU
SAW IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH

TICKETS FOR THAT BUICK REGAL YOU
SAW IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH
SUNDAY MORNING.

SAW IN FRONT OF THE CHURCH
SUNDAY MORNING.
NOW, COME ON. THAT'S IT.

SUNDAY MORNING.
NOW, COME ON. THAT'S IT.
I SECOND THAT MOTION.

NOW, COME ON. THAT'S IT.
I SECOND THAT MOTION.
AND ALSO, GET YOUR RESERVATIONS

I SECOND THAT MOTION.
AND ALSO, GET YOUR RESERVATIONS
IN FOR THE CHRISTMAS DINNER

AND ALSO, GET YOUR RESERVATIONS
IN FOR THE CHRISTMAS DINNER
DANCE AT THE HOLY GHOST HALL

IN FOR THE CHRISTMAS DINNER
DANCE AT THE HOLY GHOST HALL
DECEMBER 19th.

DANCE AT THE HOLY GHOST HALL
DECEMBER 19th.
SEE RALPH MOODY, WHO'S DOING A

DECEMBER 19th.
SEE RALPH MOODY, WHO'S DOING A
FINE JOB OF CO-CHAIRING THAT

SEE RALPH MOODY, WHO'S DOING A
FINE JOB OF CO-CHAIRING THAT
EVENT.

FINE JOB OF CO-CHAIRING THAT
EVENT.
WAY TO GO, RALPH.

EVENT.
WAY TO GO, RALPH.
OH, BEFORE I FORGET, HOW

WAY TO GO, RALPH.
OH, BEFORE I FORGET, HOW
ABOUT A HAND FOR THOSE GIRLS IN

OH, BEFORE I FORGET, HOW
ABOUT A HAND FOR THOSE GIRLS IN
THE KITCHEN WHO PREPARED THIS

ABOUT A HAND FOR THOSE GIRLS IN
THE KITCHEN WHO PREPARED THIS
FINE SPAGHETTI DINNER?

THE KITCHEN WHO PREPARED THIS
FINE SPAGHETTI DINNER?
GIRLS, COME ON OUT HERE.

FINE SPAGHETTI DINNER?
GIRLS, COME ON OUT HERE.
HOW ABOUT IT?

GIRLS, COME ON OUT HERE.
HOW ABOUT IT?
THANK YOU, LADIES.

HOW ABOUT IT?
THANK YOU, LADIES.
THANK YOU FOR THE YUMMY GRUB.

THANK YOU, LADIES.
THANK YOU FOR THE YUMMY GRUB.
OKAY. FANTASTIC.

THANK YOU FOR THE YUMMY GRUB.
OKAY. FANTASTIC.
AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,

OKAY. FANTASTIC.
AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR

AND NOW, WITHOUT FURTHER ADO,
I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MUCH-AWAITED GUEST SPEAKER...

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
MUCH-AWAITED GUEST SPEAKER...
A FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR,

MUCH-AWAITED GUEST SPEAKER...
A FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR,
THE PEPPERY, HARD-HITTING SECOND

A FORMER MAJOR LEAGUE ALL-STAR,
THE PEPPERY, HARD-HITTING SECOND
BASEMAN AND SHORTSTOP FOR THE

THE PEPPERY, HARD-HITTING SECOND
BASEMAN AND SHORTSTOP FOR THE
CHICAGO CUBS FOR SO MANY YEARS.

BASEMAN AND SHORTSTOP FOR THE
CHICAGO CUBS FOR SO MANY YEARS.
HE WAS A GREAT ONE... FROM

CHICAGO CUBS FOR SO MANY YEARS.
HE WAS A GREAT ONE... FROM
SANTO DOMINGO, LITTLE NUMBER 14,

HE WAS A GREAT ONE... FROM
SANTO DOMINGO, LITTLE NUMBER 14,
CHICO ESCUELA!

SANTO DOMINGO, LITTLE NUMBER 14,
CHICO ESCUELA!
CHICO.

[CLEARS THROAT]
[Spanish accent] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

[Spanish accent] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO

VERY MUCH.
BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.

BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.
THANK YOU.

ME.
THANK YOU.
GOD BLESS YOU.

THANK YOU.
GOD BLESS YOU.
GRACIAS.

GOD BLESS YOU.
GRACIAS.
[LAUGHTER]

GRACIAS.
[LAUGHTER]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

IS THAT IT, CHICO?
OH! OH! OH!
NO. NO.

OH! OH! OH!
NO. NO.
KEEP YOU EYE... KEEP YOU EYE ON

NO. NO.
KEEP YOU EYE... KEEP YOU EYE ON
THE BALL.

THANK YOU, CHICO.
YOU'VE BEEN AN INSPIRATION TO
ALL OF US.

YOU'VE BEEN AN INSPIRATION TO
ALL OF US.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO AWARD THE

ALL OF US.
WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO AWARD THE
ST. MICKEY'S PLAYER OF THE YEAR

WELL, NOW IT'S TIME TO AWARD THE
ST. MICKEY'S PLAYER OF THE YEAR
TROPHY.

ST. MICKEY'S PLAYER OF THE YEAR
TROPHY.
THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER ON THAT

TROPHY.
THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER ON THAT
ST. MICKEY'S TEAM THAT BROUGHT

THE MOST VALUABLE PLAYER ON THAT
ST. MICKEY'S TEAM THAT BROUGHT
HONOR TO ST. MICKEY'S AND FOR

ST. MICKEY'S TEAM THAT BROUGHT
HONOR TO ST. MICKEY'S AND FOR
THE GREATER GLORY OF GOD

HONOR TO ST. MICKEY'S AND FOR
THE GREATER GLORY OF GOD
MURDERED ST. JOHN'S LUTHERAN IN

THE GREATER GLORY OF GOD
MURDERED ST. JOHN'S LUTHERAN IN
THE FINALS HAPPENS TO BE NONE

MURDERED ST. JOHN'S LUTHERAN IN
THE FINALS HAPPENS TO BE NONE
OTHER THAN MY OWN SON, OUR FIRST

THE FINALS HAPPENS TO BE NONE
OTHER THAN MY OWN SON, OUR FIRST
BASEMAN, FRANCIS JOCKO LEARY JR.

OTHER THAN MY OWN SON, OUR FIRST
BASEMAN, FRANCIS JOCKO LEARY JR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

BASEMAN, FRANCIS JOCKO LEARY JR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU ARE, SON.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THERE YOU ARE, SON.
WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE TIME,

THERE YOU ARE, SON.
WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE TIME,
FRANCIS, IF YOU'D LIKE TO SAY A

WE STILL HAVE A LITTLE TIME,
FRANCIS, IF YOU'D LIKE TO SAY A
FEW WORDS.

FRANCIS, IF YOU'D LIKE TO SAY A
FEW WORDS.
[Spanish accent] THANK YOU

FEW WORDS.
[Spanish accent] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.

[Spanish accent] THANK YOU
VERY MUCH.
GRACIAS.

VERY MUCH.
GRACIAS.
[LAUGHTER]

GRACIAS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT WHEN YOU

[LAUGHTER]
YOU'RE GONNA GET IT WHEN YOU
GET HOME.

YOU'RE GONNA GET IT WHEN YOU
GET HOME.
NOW I'D LIKE TO CALL ON

GET HOME.
NOW I'D LIKE TO CALL ON
FATHER FITZFAGEN FOR A CLOSING

NOW I'D LIKE TO CALL ON
FATHER FITZFAGEN FOR A CLOSING
THOUGHT.

FATHER FITZFAGEN FOR A CLOSING
THOUGHT.
FATHER FITZ.

THOUGHT.
FATHER FITZ.
I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT

FATHER FITZ.
I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT
I'LL BE GIVING A RETREAT FOR THE

I'D LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT
I'LL BE GIVING A RETREAT FOR THE
YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE PARISH NEXT

I'LL BE GIVING A RETREAT FOR THE
YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE PARISH NEXT
WEEKEND.

YOUNG PEOPLE IN THE PARISH NEXT
WEEKEND.
AND, YOU KNOW, SEEING YOUNG

WEEKEND.
AND, YOU KNOW, SEEING YOUNG
JOCKO HERE, I THINK OF HOW

AND, YOU KNOW, SEEING YOUNG
JOCKO HERE, I THINK OF HOW
DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A YOUNG

JOCKO HERE, I THINK OF HOW
DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A YOUNG
PERSON TODAY AND THE SPECIAL

DIFFICULT IT IS TO BE A YOUNG
PERSON TODAY AND THE SPECIAL
PROBLEMS YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE.

PERSON TODAY AND THE SPECIAL
PROBLEMS YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE.
IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING THAT

PROBLEMS YOUNG PEOPLE HAVE.
IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO

IT REMINDS ME OF SOMETHING THAT
HAPPENED A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO
WHEN I WAS AN ASSISTANT AT

HAPPENED A NUMBER OF YEARS AGO
WHEN I WAS AN ASSISTANT AT
MOTHER OF MERCY IN

WHEN I WAS AN ASSISTANT AT
MOTHER OF MERCY IN
CINCINNATI, OHIO.

MOTHER OF MERCY IN
CINCINNATI, OHIO.
LATE ONE NIGHT, I RECEIVED A

CINCINNATI, OHIO.
LATE ONE NIGHT, I RECEIVED A
CALL AT THE RECTORY.

LATE ONE NIGHT, I RECEIVED A
CALL AT THE RECTORY.
AND THE CALL CONCERNED A YOUNG

CALL AT THE RECTORY.
AND THE CALL CONCERNED A YOUNG
MAN OF ABOUT YOUR AGE, JOCKO,

AND THE CALL CONCERNED A YOUNG
MAN OF ABOUT YOUR AGE, JOCKO,
WHOSE NAME WAS... WELL, IT

MAN OF ABOUT YOUR AGE, JOCKO,
WHOSE NAME WAS... WELL, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.

WHOSE NAME WAS... WELL, IT
DOESN'T MATTER.
LET'S JUST CALL HIM JOHNNY.

DOESN'T MATTER.
LET'S JUST CALL HIM JOHNNY.
JOHNNY WAS A FINE ATHLETE, AN

LET'S JUST CALL HIM JOHNNY.
JOHNNY WAS A FINE ATHLETE, AN
EXCELLENT STUDENT, AND EVERYONE

JOHNNY WAS A FINE ATHLETE, AN
EXCELLENT STUDENT, AND EVERYONE
LIKED JOHNNY.

EXCELLENT STUDENT, AND EVERYONE
LIKED JOHNNY.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT JOHNNY HAD

LIKED JOHNNY.
YOU MIGHT SAY THAT JOHNNY HAD
THE WORLD BY THE TAIL.

YOU MIGHT SAY THAT JOHNNY HAD
THE WORLD BY THE TAIL.
WELL, THE CALL WAS ABOUT JOHNNY.

THE WORLD BY THE TAIL.
WELL, THE CALL WAS ABOUT JOHNNY.
IT SEEMED THAT THAT NIGHT WAS

WELL, THE CALL WAS ABOUT JOHNNY.
IT SEEMED THAT THAT NIGHT WAS
JOHNNY'S PROM NIGHT.

IT SEEMED THAT THAT NIGHT WAS
JOHNNY'S PROM NIGHT.
AND AFTER THE DANCE, JOHNNY AND

JOHNNY'S PROM NIGHT.
AND AFTER THE DANCE, JOHNNY AND
HIS DATE... A FINE GIRL.

AND AFTER THE DANCE, JOHNNY AND
HIS DATE... A FINE GIRL.
KATHY McNULTY... A FINE FAMILY,

HIS DATE... A FINE GIRL.
KATHY McNULTY... A FINE FAMILY,
THE McNULTYS.

KATHY McNULTY... A FINE FAMILY,
THE McNULTYS.
THEY'D GONE AND THEY'D PARKED ON

THE McNULTYS.
THEY'D GONE AND THEY'D PARKED ON
A LONELY COUNTRY ROAD.

THEY'D GONE AND THEY'D PARKED ON
A LONELY COUNTRY ROAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.

A LONELY COUNTRY ROAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
MAYBE IT WAS THE GIRL'S PERFUME,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS.
MAYBE IT WAS THE GIRL'S PERFUME,
THE LOW CUT OF HER GOWN... WHO

MAYBE IT WAS THE GIRL'S PERFUME,
THE LOW CUT OF HER GOWN... WHO
KNOWS?

THE LOW CUT OF HER GOWN... WHO
KNOWS?
BUT THEY PARKED.

KNOWS?
BUT THEY PARKED.
IT HAD BEEN SNOWING HEAVILY THAT

BUT THEY PARKED.
IT HAD BEEN SNOWING HEAVILY THAT
EVENING, AND UNBEKNOWNST TO

IT HAD BEEN SNOWING HEAVILY THAT
EVENING, AND UNBEKNOWNST TO
EITHER JOHNNY OR THE GIRL, THEY

EVENING, AND UNBEKNOWNST TO
EITHER JOHNNY OR THE GIRL, THEY
HAD BACKED RIGHT INTO A

EITHER JOHNNY OR THE GIRL, THEY
HAD BACKED RIGHT INTO A
SNOWDRIFT, AND THE SNOW HAD

HAD BACKED RIGHT INTO A
SNOWDRIFT, AND THE SNOW HAD
PACKED INTO THE EXHAUST PIPE.

SNOWDRIFT, AND THE SNOW HAD
PACKED INTO THE EXHAUST PIPE.
NOW, WHEN THE CAR BEGAN TO FILL

PACKED INTO THE EXHAUST PIPE.
NOW, WHEN THE CAR BEGAN TO FILL
WITH THE DEADLY CARBON MONOXIDE,

NOW, WHEN THE CAR BEGAN TO FILL
WITH THE DEADLY CARBON MONOXIDE,
THEY, IN THE MOMENT OF THEIR

WITH THE DEADLY CARBON MONOXIDE,
THEY, IN THE MOMENT OF THEIR
LUST, DID NOT EVEN NOTICE.

THEY, IN THE MOMENT OF THEIR
LUST, DID NOT EVEN NOTICE.
THAT'S WHERE I FOUND JOHNNY,

LUST, DID NOT EVEN NOTICE.
THAT'S WHERE I FOUND JOHNNY,
LOCKED IN AN ILLICIT EMBRACE,

THAT'S WHERE I FOUND JOHNNY,
LOCKED IN AN ILLICIT EMBRACE,
DEAD... DEAD IN HIS UNDERSHORTS.

LOCKED IN AN ILLICIT EMBRACE,
DEAD... DEAD IN HIS UNDERSHORTS.
WHO KNOWS IF HE HAD TIME TO MAKE

DEAD... DEAD IN HIS UNDERSHORTS.
WHO KNOWS IF HE HAD TIME TO MAKE
A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION?

WHO KNOWS IF HE HAD TIME TO MAKE
A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION?
WELL, I DOUBT IT.

A PERFECT ACT OF CONTRITION?
WELL, I DOUBT IT.
WELL, THANKS, FATHER.

WELL, I DOUBT IT.
WELL, THANKS, FATHER.
THE MEETING'S ADJOURNED!

WELL, THANKS, FATHER.
THE MEETING'S ADJOURNED!
THE BAR'S OPEN!

THE MEETING'S ADJOURNED!
THE BAR'S OPEN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANKS TO THE GRATEFUL DEAD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

SEE YOU ALL NEXT WEEK.

[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

CARRIE FISHER, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST THE BLUES BROTHERS.

THIS IS DON PARDO ANSWERING

THOUSANDS OF REQUESTS BY SAYING

"DENIED."

GRATEFUL DEAD!