Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 18 - Michael Palin/James Taylor - full transcript

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, IN THE

PAST FEW WEEKS, YOU MAY HAVE

BEEN READING AND HEARING REPORTS

THAT TALK ABOUT BAD TIMES AT

NBC.

THEY SAY THAT FRED SILVERMAN HAS
BEEN PRESIDENT FOR ONE YEAR.
INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS

BEEN PRESIDENT FOR ONE YEAR.
INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS
BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER,

INSTEAD OF GETTING THINGS
BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER,
HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE.

BETTER... MAKING THEM BETTER,
HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS

HE'S ACTUALLY MADE THEM WORSE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
PARTIALLY NOT TRUE.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS IS
PARTIALLY NOT TRUE.
NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN



PARTIALLY NOT TRUE.
NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN
PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS.

NOT ONE YEAR, I'VE ONLY BEEN
PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS.
AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11

PRESIDENT FOR 11 MONTHS.
AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11
SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T

AND WHEN I TOOK OVER NBC 11
SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T
PROMISE ANY MIRACLES.

SHORT MONTHS AGO, I DIDN'T
PROMISE ANY MIRACLES.
I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A

PROMISE ANY MIRACLES.
I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A
CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT

I KNEW THAT I WAS TAKING ON A
CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT
IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN.

CHALLENGE THAT WAS JUST ABOUT
IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN.
I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING

IMPOSSIBLE TO WIN.
I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TO WORK WITH.

I WAS GIVEN ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
TO WORK WITH.
I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I

TO WORK WITH.
I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I
CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE.

I INHERITED SHOWS THAT EVEN I
CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE.
I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD

CONSIDERED STUPID AND INANE.
I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD
A 'MORK & MINDY.'

I SAID TO MYSELF, "IF ONLY I HAD
A 'MORK & MINDY.'
IF ONLY I HAD A



A 'MORK & MINDY.'
IF ONLY I HAD A
'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'"

IF ONLY I HAD A
'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'"
BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK,

'NEW NEWLYWED GAME.'"
BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK,
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A

BUT WHEN I CAME TO THIS NETWORK,
I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A
"HELLO, LARRY."

I DIDN'T EVEN HAVE A
"HELLO, LARRY."
BUT NOW I DO.

"HELLO, LARRY."
BUT NOW I DO.
AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH?

BUT NOW I DO.
AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH?
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?

AND HOW ABOUT GARY COLEMAN, HUH?
WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN?

WHERE DID HE COME FROM?
WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN?
IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO.

WHOSE IDEA WAS GARY COLEMAN?
IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO.
AND WAS IT WHO TALKED

IT WAS MINE. THAT'S WHO.
AND WAS IT WHO TALKED
JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING?

AND WAS IT WHO TALKED
JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING?
IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.

JOHNNY CARSON OUT OF QUITTING?
IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.
AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED

IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.
AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED
TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING?

AND WHO WAS IT WHO TALKED
TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING?
IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.

TOM SNYDER OUT OF QUITTING?
IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.
WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY

IT WAS ME. THAT'S WHO.
WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY
DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION

WHY DOESN'T ANYBODY... WHY
DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION
ANY OF MY SUCCESSES?

DOESN'T THE PRESS EVER MENTION
ANY OF MY SUCCESSES?
WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M

ANY OF MY SUCCESSES?
WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M
DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE

WHY DON'T THEY MENTION THAT I'M
DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE
FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS

DEVELOPING A NEW LINEUP IN THE
FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS
LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE?

FALL WITH EXCITING PERFORMERS
LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE?
YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP

LIKE BOB HOPE AND ROBERT BLAKE?
YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP
REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF

YOU KNOW, THEY ONLY KEEP
REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF
SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET,"

REPEATING THAT JOKE THAT IF
SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET,"
THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT.

SOMEONE BROUGHT ME "HAMLET,"
THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT.
I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT.

THAT I'D PUT A DOG IN IT.
I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT.
I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT,

I WOULDN'T PUT A DOG IN IT.
I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT,
THOUGH.

I MIGHT PUT GARY COLEMAN IN IT,
THOUGH.
HE'S BRILLIANT.

THOUGH.
HE'S BRILLIANT.
HE CAN DO ANYTHING.

HE'S BRILLIANT.
HE CAN DO ANYTHING.
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG

HE CAN DO ANYTHING.
I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG
MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND

I'VE GOTTEN TO KNOW THIS YOUNG
MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND
I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING

MAN OVER THE PAST 11 MONTHS, AND
I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING
A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO

I HAVE FOUND THAT BESIDES LIKING
A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO
SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN

A LOT OF THE SAME FOODS, WE ALSO
SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN
PROGRAMMING.

SHARE A SIMILAR TASTE IN
PROGRAMMING.
IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE

PROGRAMMING.
IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE
SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING.

IN FACT, WE ARE OF EXACTLY THE
SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING.
I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE

SAME MIND IN ALMOST EVERYTHING.
I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE
LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT

I ONLY WISH I WOULD HAVE
LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT
"SUPERTRAIN."

LISTENED TO HIM ABOUT
"SUPERTRAIN."
UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND

"SUPERTRAIN."
UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND
HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE

UNLIKE A LOT OF PEOPLE AROUND
HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE
HIS OPINION.

HERE, HE'S NOT AFRAID TO VOICE
HIS OPINION.
HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID

HIS OPINION.
HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID
TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I

HE'S A PERSON WHO'S NOT AFRAID
TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I
DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW?

TO SAY, "I LIKE IT," OR, "I
DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW?
HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME

DON'T LIKE IT," YOU KNOW?
HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME
TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN

HIS DECISIVENESS HAS INSPIRED ME
TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN
PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS.

TO HAVE MORE FAITH IN MY OWN
PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS.
AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING

PERSONAL TASTES AND OPINIONS.
AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING
GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF

AND SO TODAY I AM NAMING
GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF
ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF

GARY COLEMAN AS MY NEW CHIEF
ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC.

ASSISTANT WITH THE TITLE OF
EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC.
GARY COLEMAN.

EXECUTIVE VICE PRESIDENT OF NBC.
GARY COLEMAN.
[APPLAUSE]

GARY COLEMAN.
[APPLAUSE]
SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY

[APPLAUSE]
SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY
IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK

SOME SAY... SOME SAY THAT GARY
IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK
EXECUTIVE.

IS TOO YOUNG TO BE A NETWORK
EXECUTIVE.
BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD

EXECUTIVE.
BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD
ENOUGH."

BUT SOME SAY, "NO, 11 IS OLD
ENOUGH."
PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS

ENOUGH."
PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS
UNIMPORTANT.

PERSONALLY, I THINK AGE IS
UNIMPORTANT.
IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND

UNIMPORTANT.
IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND
GUTS.

IT'S WISDOM THAT COUNTS AND
GUTS.
THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE

GUTS.
THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE
DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD

THAT'S WHY GARY AND I HAVE
DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD
PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST

DECIDED TO TAKE A BOLD
PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST
OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS

PROGRAMMING GAMBLE AND MOVE MOST
OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS
TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL.

OF OUR SATURDAY-MORNING PROGRAMS
TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL.
BUT NOW...

TO PRIME TIME IN THE FALL.
BUT NOW...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

BUT NOW...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH MICHAEL PALIN.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST
JAMES TAYLOR...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

JAMES TAYLOR...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL PALIN!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL PALIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[MUSIC STOPS]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WONDERFUL.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WONDERFUL.
IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE

WONDERFUL.
IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE
BACK.

IT'S... THANK YOU... GREAT TO BE
BACK.
IT REALLY IS.

BACK.
IT REALLY IS.
WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS

IT REALLY IS.
WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS
MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT

WELL, TOMORROW, AS YOU KNOW, IS
MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT
WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY

MOTHER'S DAY, AND I KNOW IT
WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY
HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION

WOULD MAKE MY OWN MOTHER VERY
HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION
HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING

HAPPY IF I COULD JUST MENTION
HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING
MONOLOGUE.

HER A LITTLE IN THE OPENING
MONOLOGUE.
I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A

MONOLOGUE.
I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A
LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY

I HOPE YOU WON'T MIND JUST A
LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY
MOTHER.

LITTLE DISSERTATION ABOUT MY
MOTHER.
SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943

MOTHER.
SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO ME IN MAY 1943
RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SECOND WORLD WAR.

RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SECOND WORLD WAR.
TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW?

SECOND WORLD WAR.
TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW?
NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW

TIMES WERE HARD THEN, YOU KNOW?
NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW
WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE

NO ONE IN ENGLAND REALLY KNEW
WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE
TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE

WHICH WAY IT WAS GONNA GO AT THE
TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE
CHRISTENED ME

TIME, WHICH IS WHY SHE
CHRISTENED ME
MICHAEL GUNTER PALIN.

I DON'T USE THE "MICHAEL."
WELL, LIKE ALL ENGLISH CHILDREN,
I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES

WELL, LIKE ALL ENGLISH CHILDREN,
I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES
AT THE AGE OF 3.

I WAS SENT DOWN THE COAL MINES
AT THE AGE OF 3.
YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK

AT THE AGE OF 3.
YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK
ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT

YEAH, MY MOM WOULD COME AND PICK
ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT
5:00.

ME UP FROM THE MINE SHAFT AT
5:00.
SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,

5:00.
SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,
BLESS HER.

SHE'D ALWAYS SAY THE SAME THING,
BLESS HER.
[High-pitched voice] LOOK AT

BLESS HER.
[High-pitched voice] LOOK AT
YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY!

[High-pitched voice] LOOK AT
YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY!
[Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE

YOU... YOU'RE FILTHY!
[Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE
BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION

[Normal voice] SMACK ME ON THE
BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION
BOOK.

BACK OF THE HEAD WITH A RATION
BOOK.
THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND

BOOK.
THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND
DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S

THEN SHE'D CHANGE MY DIAPER AND
DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S
LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY...

DISCONNECT THE LITTLE MINER'S
LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY...
[High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH

LAMP I HAD ON THE END AND SAY...
[High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH
COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN,

[High-pitched voice] "HOW MUCH
COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN,
DARLING?"

COAL DID YOU GET UP TODAY, THEN,
DARLING?"
[Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW,

DARLING?"
[Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T

[Normal voice] WELL, YOU KNOW,
WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T
GET MUCH COAL UP.

WHEN YOU'RE 3, YOU REALLY CAN'T
GET MUCH COAL UP.
YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE

GET MUCH COAL UP.
YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE
WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND

YOU KNOW, THEY SEND YOU IN THERE
WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND
A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING

WITH A LITTLE PLASTIC SPOON AND
A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING
AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE

A PUSHER, AND YOU'RE DIGGING
AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE
PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE

AWAY, AND THEN THE LITTLE
PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE
MIDDLE.

PLASTIC PUSHER SNAPS IN THE
MIDDLE.
REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS

MIDDLE.
REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS
ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A

REALLY, THE BEST YOU CAN DO IS
ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A
DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5.

ABOUT A HALF A HUNDREDWEIGHT A
DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5.
WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET

DAY UNTIL YOU'RE 5.
WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET
SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS

WELL, I WAS LUCKY BECAUSE I MET
SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS
REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.

SOMEONE DOWN THE MINES WHO WAS
REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.
HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME...

REALLY TO CHANGE MY WHOLE LIFE.
HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME...
YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG.

HE WAS A BIGGER BABY THEN ME...
YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG.
HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE

YOU KNOW, REALLY BIG.
HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE
DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER.

HE HAD ALL HIS TEETH, AND HE
DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER.
HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM.

DIDN'T WET HIS DIAPER.
HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM.
ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE

HE HAD SOMEONE TO DO IT FOR HIM.
ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE
WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS

ONE DAY WHEN HE AND I WERE
WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS
BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS

WORKING ON THE NIGHT SHIFT, THIS
BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS
NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE

BIG BABY... VINCE WAS HIS
NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE
SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED.

NAME... HE CAME UP TO ME, AND HE
SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED.
WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED

SAID, "WE HAVE TO GET ORGANIZED.
WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED
FOR TOO LONG.

WE BABIES HAVE BEEN EXPLOITED
FOR TOO LONG.
DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING

FOR TOO LONG.
DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING
SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR

DID YOU NOTICE THEY WERE USING
SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR
TUNNEL SUPPORTS?"

SOME OF THE TALLER BABIES FOR
TUNNEL SUPPORTS?"
SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE

TUNNEL SUPPORTS?"
SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE
BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF

SO, WE FOUNDED B.A.M.B.I... THE
BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF
MINE-WORKING BABIES.

BRITISH ASSOCIATION OF
MINE-WORKING BABIES.
AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS

MINE-WORKING BABIES.
AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS
AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS...

AND WE FOUGHT FOR STEEL PUSHERS
AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS...
THAT SORT OF THING.

AND BLAST-PROOF PACIFIERS...
THAT SORT OF THING.
STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.

THAT SORT OF THING.
STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.
THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE

STILL, THOSE WERE THE GOOD DAYS.
THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE
STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT

THEN MY MOTHER WAS... SHE
STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT
DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT

STARTED WORK ON A BOOK ABOUT
DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT
AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE

DEPRIVED CHILDREN, SO I WAS SENT
AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE
TIME TO WRITE.

AWAY FROM HOME TO GIVE HER MORE
TIME TO WRITE.
I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES

TIME TO WRITE.
I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES
AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE

I WAS SENT TO A SCHOOL MILES
AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE
PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS

AWAY FROM ANYWHERE CALLED THE
PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS
OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL.

PURGATORY ACADEMY FOR THE SONS
OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL.
THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU

OF THE ABOMINABLY CRUEL.
THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU
KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.

THE IDEA, OF COURSE, WAS TO, YOU
KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.
I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.

KNOW, MAKE A MAN OUT OF YOU.
I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND

I WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY ONES.
IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND
MARGARET.

IT JUST ABOUT KILLED SHARON AND
MARGARET.
WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY

MARGARET.
WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY
MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY.

WELL, I STUDIED HARD, AND MY
MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY.
IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE

MAIN SUBJECT WAS CARPENTRY.
IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE
ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY

IN FACT, THAT WAS ONE OF THE
ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY
TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY.

ONLY THREE SUBJECTS THAT THEY
TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY.
THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING

TAUGHT AT PURGATORY ACADEMY.
THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING
AND PLUMBING.

THE OTHER TWO WERE BRICKLAYING
AND PLUMBING.
THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT

AND PLUMBING.
THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT
WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE

THE HEADMASTER PROMISED THAT
WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE
SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING

WHEN WE FINISHED BUILDING THE
SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING
AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER

SCHOOL, HE'D TEACH US GARDENING
AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER
THINGS.

AND MAINTENANCE AND A FEW OTHER
THINGS.
BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS

THINGS.
BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS
STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY

BUT MY MOTHER STILL... SHE WAS
STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY
DAY.

STILL USED TO WRITING ME EVERY
DAY.
SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS,

DAY.
SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS,
SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS.

SOMETIMES SHE WANTED 5 POUNDS,
SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS.
EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY

SOMETIMES 15 POUNDS.
EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY
EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS...

EVENTUALLY IT BECAME REALLY
EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS...
2,000, 3,000 POUNDS.

EMBARRASSING... HUGE AMOUNTS...
2,000, 3,000 POUNDS.
BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO.

2,000, 3,000 POUNDS.
BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO.
[High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR

BLACKMAIL NOTES, TOO.
[High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR
MOTHER!

[High-pitched voice] I'M YOUR
MOTHER!
DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO

MOTHER!
DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO
YOU?!

DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO
YOU?!
[Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S

YOU?!
[Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S
WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS

[Normal voice] ANYWAY, THAT'S
WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS
SORT OF JOB.

WHY I HAVE TO KEEP DOING THIS
SORT OF JOB.
SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE.

SORT OF JOB.
SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE.
BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE

SHE COSTS ME A FORTUNE.
BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE
SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY

BUT DON'T WORRY... I HAVE
SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY
MOTHER BEFORE.

SOMEONE HERE WHO'S NEVER MET MY
MOTHER BEFORE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND

MOTHER BEFORE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND
TO JAMES TAYLOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, A BIG HAND
TO JAMES TAYLOR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO JAMES TAYLOR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "JOHNNIE COMES BACK"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "JOHNNIE COMES BACK"
PLAYS]

♪ ALL LAST WEEK AND HALF OF
TODAY ♪
♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE

TODAY ♪
♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE
GIRL ♪

♪ JOHNNIE HAS BEEN A GOOD LITTLE
GIRL ♪
♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT

GIRL ♪
♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT
BAY ♪

♪ TRYING TO KEEP HER DEVILS AT
BAY ♪
♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪

BAY ♪
♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪
♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR

♪ WATCHING HER HEALTH RETURN ♪
♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR
MORE ♪

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK FOR
MORE ♪
♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING

MORE ♪
♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING
MY DOOR ♪

♪ HANGING HER HEAD AND BANGING
MY DOOR ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MY DOOR ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR

♪ OH, JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR
MEDICINE MAN ♪

♪ TAKE CARE OF YOUR
MEDICINE MAN ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MEDICINE MAN ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN
HER EYE? ♪

♪ WHERE DID SHE GET THAT TEAR IN
HER EYE? ♪
♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE

HER EYE? ♪
♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE
ME? ♪

♪ WHOEVER SAID SHE COULD LEAVE
ME? ♪
♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY

ME? ♪
♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY
GOODBYE? ♪

♪ WHERE DID SHE LEARN TO SAY
GOODBYE? ♪
♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH

GOODBYE? ♪
♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH
TV ♪

♪ SHE'S BEEN WATCHING TOO MUCH
TV ♪
♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS,

TV ♪
♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS,
MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY

♪ SHE ONLY SHOWS UP FOR MEALS,
MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY
AUTOMOBILES ♪

MY MEDICINE CHEST, AND MY
AUTOMOBILES ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

AUTOMOBILES ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE,

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE,
REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪

♪ AND I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE,
REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

REMEMBER, REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪
♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪
♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE
MAN, NOW ♪

♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE
MAN, NOW ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

MAN, NOW ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪
♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪

♪ ME, I'M JUST AN EVIL DEMON ♪
♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪
♪ COUNTING ON HER SICKNESS ♪

♪ I'M PLAYING ON HER WEAKNESS ♪
♪ COUNTING ON HER SICKNESS ♪
♪ TO BRING HER HOME AGAIN ♪

♪ TO USE ME UP AND TO ROB ME
BLIND ♪
♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE

BLIND ♪
♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE
ME ♪

♪ I GUESS IT SHOULDN'T SURPRISE
ME ♪
♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A

ME ♪
♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A
FISH ON A LINE ♪

♪ FIGHTING AND FLASHING LIKE A
FISH ON A LINE ♪
♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪

FISH ON A LINE ♪
♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪
♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK

♪ MY GOD, SHE MUST DESPISE ME ♪
♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK
AGAIN ♪

♪ BUT SHE ALWAYS COMES BACK
AGAIN ♪
♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S

AGAIN ♪
♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S
GONE AGAIN ♪

♪ IT WON'T BE LONG TILL SHE'S
GONE AGAIN ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪

GONE AGAIN ♪
♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER,

♪ JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER,
REMEMBER ♪

♪ I'LL SAY, JOHNNIE, REMEMBER,
REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

REMEMBER ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪
♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD, BE GOOD ♪
♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE
MAN ♪

♪ PLEASE GIVE ME MY MEDICINE
MAN ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN

MAN ♪
♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪

♪ OH, JOHNNIE COMES BACK AGAIN
AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪
♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN ♪
♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ OH, NOW, NOW ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ WHOO ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ WHOO ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ WHOO ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪

♪ COME ON, NOW ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

♪ JOHNNIE, REMEMBER ♪
♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ GOOD OLD JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪
♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪

♪ COME ON BACK AND ABUSE ME ♪
♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪
♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER

♪ DRINK MY HEART AND USE ME ♪
♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER
LOSE ME ♪

♪ REMEMBER, BABY, DON'T EVER
LOSE ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE

LOSE ME ♪
♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE
STREETS ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU'RE OUT IN THE
STREETS ♪
♪ OH ♪

STREETS ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ OH, NOW, NOW, NOW ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ OH, NOW, NOW, NOW ♪
♪ JOHNNIE, BE GOOD ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: TONIGHT
"FAMILY CLASSICS" CONTINUES ITS
SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF

"FAMILY CLASSICS" CONTINUES ITS
SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF
THE NEW DICKENS NOVEL,

SECOND SEASON WITH PART TWO OF
THE NEW DICKENS NOVEL,
"MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

"MILES COWPERTHWAITE" BY
CHARLES DICKENS, AS TOLD TO
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND

CHARLES DICKENS, AS TOLD TO
ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND
RAFAEL SABATINI.

ROBERT LOUIS STEVENSON AND
RAFAEL SABATINI.
"THE WRETCHED BIRTH,

RAFAEL SABATINI.
"THE WRETCHED BIRTH,
MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY

"THE WRETCHED BIRTH,
MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY
PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND

MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY
PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND
APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING

PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND
APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING
DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING
DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE."
CHAPTER TWO...

DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE."
CHAPTER TWO...
"I AM NAILED TO THE HULL."

CHAPTER TWO...
"I AM NAILED TO THE HULL."
"IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY

"I AM NAILED TO THE HULL."
"IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY
BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF

"IT HAVING BEEN DETERMINED BY MY
BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF
SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN

BENEFACTOR THAT A TERM OF
SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN
OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT

SERVICE AT SEA WOULD MAKE A MAN
OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT
PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF

OF ME, I ACCORDINGLY LEFT
PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF
CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM

PINKNEY HALL IN THE COMPANY OF
CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM
BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP,

CAPTAIN NED AND PUT OUT FROM
BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP,
THE RAGING QUEEN.

BRISTOL ABOARD HIS SHIP,
THE RAGING QUEEN.
CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY

THE RAGING QUEEN.
CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY
SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY,

CAPTAIN NED, I LEARNED FROM MY
SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY,
VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM

SHIPMATES, WAS A VERY MANLY,
VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM
BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE,

VIRILE, MANFUL PERSON AND A FIRM
BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE,
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE

BELIEVER IN STRICT DISCIPLINE,
CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE
APARTMENT WRESTLING.

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT, AND NUDE
APARTMENT WRESTLING.
HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I

APARTMENT WRESTLING.
HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I
LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF

HOW TRULY STRICT HE WAS I
LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF
PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED

LEARNED ON OUR FIRST DAY OUT OF
PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED
ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN

PORT WHEN THE FIRST MATE CALLED
ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT."

ALL HANDS ON DECK FOR AN
IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT."
[BELL RINGS]

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT."
[BELL RINGS]
ALL RIGHT, PLEASE.

[BELL RINGS]
ALL RIGHT, PLEASE.
EVERYBODY, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, PLEASE.
EVERYBODY, PLEASE.
WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN.

EVERYBODY, PLEASE.
WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY

WELCOME ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY
INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE

NOW, OF COURSE, I CAN'T POSSIBLY
INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE
JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR

INTRODUCE EVERYBODY, SO YOU'RE
JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR
LITTLE NAME TAGS.

JUST GOING TO HAVE TO WEAR YOUR
LITTLE NAME TAGS.
AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING

LITTLE NAME TAGS.
AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING
YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE

AND IF THAT'S THE WORST THING
YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE
LUCKY.

YOU WEAR ON THIS VOYAGE, YOU'RE
LUCKY.
NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE

LUCKY.
NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE
CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE

NOW, BEFORE WE INTRODUCE
CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE
OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND

CAPTAIN NED, THERE'S SOME QUICHE
OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND
SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD,

OVER HERE AND SOME SALAD AND
SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD,
AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF

SOME BANANA BREAD IN THE HOLD,
AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF
BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T

AND THERE SHOULD BE A WHEEL OF
BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T
EATEN IT.

BRIE AROUND IF SOMEONE HASN'T
EATEN IT.
BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN

EATEN IT.
BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN
CAPTAIN NED!

BUT NOW HERE IS OUR OWN
CAPTAIN NED!
[CHEERING]

CAPTAIN NED!
[CHEERING]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERING]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A

THANK YOU, MR. SPUNK.
GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A
YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS

GENTLEMEN, WE HAVE ON BOARD A
YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS
MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE

YOUNG MAN WHOSE NAME IS
MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE
PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH

MILES COWPERTHWAITE, AND I HAVE
PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH
HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA.

PROMISED HIS GUARDIAN TO TEACH
HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA.
TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS

HIM THE MAN'S LIFE OF THE SEA.
TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS
MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND

TO SHOW HIM MAN'S PORTS SUCH AS
MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND
SAN FRANCISCO.

MYKONOS, KEY WEST, AND
SAN FRANCISCO.
I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED

SAN FRANCISCO.
I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED
MANFULLY.

I EXPECT HIM TO BE TREATED
MANFULLY.
WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE

MANFULLY.
WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?

WELL, MILES, DO YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO SAY?
WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR

ANYTHING TO SAY?
WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR
THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED.

WELL, I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR
THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED.
UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN

THIS OPPORTUNITY, CAPTAIN NED.
UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN
THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC,

UP TILL NOW, MY LIFE HAVE BEEN
THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC,
SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING,

THE MOST DEGRADING, PATHETIC,
SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING,
AWFUL GROVEL.

SOUL-DESTROYING, HUMILIATING,
AWFUL GROVEL.
THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES...

AWFUL GROVEL.
THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES...
ENOUGH.

THAT'S ENOUGH, MILES...
ENOUGH.
NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP!

ENOUGH.
NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP!
I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND

NOW, MEN, I RUN A MEN'S SHIP!
I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND
MASCULINE WAY.

I WILL RUN IT IN A MANFUL AND
MASCULINE WAY.
I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY

MASCULINE WAY.
I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY
COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS

I WILL TOLERATE NO MEN UNDER MY
COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS
TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND

COMMAND WHO ACT IN SUCH A WAY AS
TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND
MANLINESS!

TO DISCREDIT THEIR MANHOOD AND
MANLINESS!
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!

MANLINESS!
DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!
THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED!

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?!
THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED!
All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

THREE CHEERS FOR CAPTAIN NED!
All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

All: HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!

HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
"IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS

HIP, HIP, HOORAY!
"IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS
TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY

"IF THERE WERE ANY DOUBTS AS
TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY
WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY

TO CAPTAIN NED'S SEVERITY, THEY
WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY
AFTERNOON WHEN A SCUFFLE BROKE

WERE QUICKLY DISPELLED THAT VERY
AFTERNOON WHEN A SCUFFLE BROKE
OUT ON DECK."

THAT'S MY SPAWNING!
YOU'RE IN MY SUNNING SPOT.
THAT'S MY SPOT.

YOU'RE IN MY SUNNING SPOT.
THAT'S MY SPOT.
WHERE'S MY TOWEL?

THAT'S MY SPOT.
WHERE'S MY TOWEL?
YOU'RE DAFT, MATE!

WHERE'S MY TOWEL?
YOU'RE DAFT, MATE!
DON'T YOU...

YOU'RE DAFT, MATE!
DON'T YOU...
I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING.

DON'T YOU...
I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING.
NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING

I'VE BEEN HERE ALL MORNING.
NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING
MY SUN.

NOW RUN ALONG... YOU'RE BLOCKING
MY SUN.
DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY

MY SUN.
DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY
BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE.

DON'T YOU GIVE ME ANY
BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE.
THIS IS MY SPOT!

BACK-SASS, YOU TAN TEASE.
THIS IS MY SPOT!
NO, IT IS NOT!

THIS IS MY SPOT!
NO, IT IS NOT!
IT IS MINE!

NO, IT IS NOT!
IT IS MINE!
YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR!

IT IS MINE!
YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR!
FIGHT!

YOU VICIOUS BLACKAMOOR!
FIGHT!
FIGHT!

FIGHT!
FIGHT!
STOP THIS NOW!

FIGHT!
STOP THIS NOW!
MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW

STOP THIS NOW!
MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW
MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP?

MR. HODO, MR. SPUNK, IS THIS HOW
MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP?
WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS?

MEN ACT ON A MAN'S SHIP?
WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS?
FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS

WHERE IS YOUR MANLINESS?
FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS
BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT

FIGHTING ON DECK IS A SERIOUS
BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT
DISCIPLINE.

BREACH OF MY ARTICLES OF STRICT
DISCIPLINE.
I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS

DISCIPLINE.
I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS
IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT.

I'M AFRAID THE GUILTY PARTY IS
IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT.
WELL, MR. HODO?

IN FOR A VERY SEVERE PUNISHMENT.
WELL, MR. HODO?
CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID

WELL, MR. HODO?
CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID
INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT.

CAPTAIN NED, SIR, I DID
INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT.
I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY

INDEED TAKE MR. SPUNK'S SPOT.
I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY
PUNISHMENT.

I AM READY TO ACCEPT MY
PUNISHMENT.
CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST

PUNISHMENT.
CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST
BLOW.

CAPTAIN, I THREW THE FIRST
BLOW.
IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET

BLOW.
IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET
IT BE ME.

IF ANYONE IS TO BE PUNISHED, LET
IT BE ME.
I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO,

IT BE ME.
I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO,
PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A

I ASK ONLY THAT WHATEVER YOU DO,
PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A
TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND

PLEASE DON'T PUT ME IN A
TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND
MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED

TIGHT-FITTING LASSIE COSTUME AND
MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED
DOG DISH.

MAKE ME EAT FROM A MONOGRAMMED
DOG DISH.
CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS

DOG DISH.
CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS
FIGHT.

CAPTAIN, I ENCOURAGED THIS
FIGHT.
PUNISH ME.

FIGHT.
PUNISH ME.
MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING

PUNISH ME.
MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING
CLOTHESPINS, SIR.

MAKE ME WEAR NIPPLE-PINCHING
CLOTHESPINS, SIR.
ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME.

CLOTHESPINS, SIR.
ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME.
STOP!

ME, CAPTAIN... PUNISH ME.
STOP!
STOP THIS.

STOP!
STOP THIS.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.

STOP THIS.
I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH.
YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS
MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A

YOUR MANLY ADMISSION OF GUILT IS
MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A
CREW OF MEN.

MOST MANFUL AND WELL BEFITS A
CREW OF MEN.
HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS

CREW OF MEN.
HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS
I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL

HOWEVER, AS YOUR CAPTAIN, IT IS
I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL
MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY.

I WHO MUST BEAR THE FULL
MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY.
AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER

MASCULINE RESPONSIBILITY.
AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER
PUNISHMENT.

AND THEREFORE, I WILL SUFFER
PUNISHMENT.
MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW.

PUNISHMENT.
MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW.
HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB?

MR. SPUNK, TAKE ME BELOW.
HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB?
"HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING

HOW ABOUT A BOILING OIL RUB?
"HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING
EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT

"HAVING HAD NO SEAFARING
EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT
HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A

EXPERIENCE, I WAS SURPRISED AT
HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A
SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD

HOW DIFFERENT THE LIFE OF A
SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD
IMAGINED.

SAILOR WAS FROM WHAT I HAD
IMAGINED.
OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN,

IMAGINED.
OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN,
AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD

OUR DAY BEGAN AT DAWN WHEN,
AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD
PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME.

AFTER A HARDY BREAKFAST, WE HAD
PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME.
AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE

PUNISHMENT TILL LUNCHTIME.
AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE
PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER.

AFTER LUNCH, THERE WAS MORE
PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER.
AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP

PUNISHMENT TILL DINNER.
AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP
ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR,

AFTER DINNER, WE WOULD PULL UP
ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR,
THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME

ANCHOR AND SAIL FOR AN HOUR,
THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME
VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY

THEN DROP ANCHOR AGAIN FOR SOME
VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY
EVENING PUNISHMENT.

VERBAL HUMILIATION, FOLLOWED BY
EVENING PUNISHMENT.
I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS

EVENING PUNISHMENT.
I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS
QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY

I IMAGINE THAT THE CREW WAS
QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY
ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON,

QUITE USED TO IT, FOR IN ALL MY
ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON,
DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A

ROUNDS WITH THE SHIP'S SURGEON,
DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A
MAN COMPLAIN."

DR. PIERCE, I NEVER ONCE HEARD A
MAN COMPLAIN."
DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS

MAN COMPLAIN."
DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS
THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE

DR. PIERCE, SIR, I WAS
THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE
BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER

THINKING... WOULDN'T WE MAKE
BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER
SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD

BETTER PROGRESS IF WE WAS UNDER
SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD
PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY,

SAIL 14 HOURS A DAY AND HAD
PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY,
INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND?

PUNISHMENT ONLY TWO HOURS A DAY,
INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND?
MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH

INSTEAD OF THE OTHER WAY 'ROUND?
MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH
TO LEARN.

MILES, MY BOY, YOU HAVE MUCH
TO LEARN.
WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D

TO LEARN.
WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D
HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP.

WITHOUT STRICT DISCIPLINE, WE'D
HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP.
OH.

HAVE A MUTINY ON THIS SHIP.
OH.
THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE.

OH.
THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE.
LET'S SEE.

THERE'S ONE MORE DOWN HERE.
LET'S SEE.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF

LET'S SEE.
OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF
THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX.

OOH, I DON'T LIKE THE LOOKS OF
THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX.
I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT

THAT LEG, MR. TARVOX.
I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT
OFF.

I'M AFRAID WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE IT
OFF.
REALLY?

OFF.
REALLY?
YES.

REALLY?
YES.
I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE

YES.
I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE
ARM, AS WELL.

I'M AFRAID SO, AND PROBABLY THE
ARM, AS WELL.
BUT THE ARM?

ARM, AS WELL.
BUT THE ARM?
WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR?

BUT THE ARM?
WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR?
WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG.

WHY THE ARM, DOCTOR?
WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG.
LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY,

WELL, TO GET TO THE LEG.
LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY,
SEE?

LOOK... IT'S RATHER IN THE WAY,
SEE?
BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM

SEE?
BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM
OUT OF THE WAY?

BUT WHY CAN'T HE HOLD THE ARM
OUT OF THE WAY?
WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D

OUT OF THE WAY?
WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D
RATHER DO THAT.

WELL, THAT'S FINE IF YOU'D
RATHER DO THAT.
OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE.

RATHER DO THAT.
OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE.
OKAY.

OH, YES, SIR. PLEASE.
OKAY.
NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX.

OKAY.
NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX.
YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.

NOW, DON'T WORRY, MR. TARVOX.
YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.
YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE

YOU WON'T FEEL A THING.
YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE
GONE.

YOU'LL WAKE UP, AND THEY'LL BE
GONE.
THEY?

GONE.
THEY?
IT... IT'LL BE GONE.

THEY?
IT... IT'LL BE GONE.
I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH

IT... IT'LL BE GONE.
I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH
ONE IS MISSING.

I GUARANTEE YOU WON'T KNOW WHICH
ONE IS MISSING.
OH.

ONE IS MISSING.
OH.
ANY PREFERENCES?

OH.
ANY PREFERENCES?
GOOD. OKAY.

ANY PREFERENCES?
GOOD. OKAY.
WE'LL TAKE THE...

GOOD. OKAY.
WE'LL TAKE THE...
LEG.

WE'LL TAKE THE...
LEG.
LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY?

LEG.
LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY?
FIRST THING.

LEG OFF ON THURSDAY, OKAY?
FIRST THING.
YOU'LL BE FINE.

FIRST THING.
YOU'LL BE FINE.
"I SOON SETTLED INTO THE

YOU'LL BE FINE.
"I SOON SETTLED INTO THE
ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR...

"I SOON SETTLED INTO THE
ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR...
FLOGGING, DOCKINGS,

ROUTINE OF AN ORDINARY SAILOR...
FLOGGING, DOCKINGS,
KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR

FLOGGING, DOCKINGS,
KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR
KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED

KEELHAULINGS, KNEELING ON OUR
KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED
ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN

KNUCKLES, HAVING THINGS DROPPED
ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN
STAIRS, AND SO ON.

ON HEADS, BEING PUSHED DOWN
STAIRS, AND SO ON.
OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME

STAIRS, AND SO ON.
OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME
FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING

OCCASIONALLY, IT WOULD BE TIME
FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING
THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE

FOR ACTIVITIES SUCH AS STEERING
THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE
SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND.

THE SHIP AND TRYING TO MAKE THE
SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND.
CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL

SAILS FILL UP WITH WIND.
CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL
INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A

CAPTAIN NED TOOK A WARM PERSONAL
INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A
NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY

INTEREST IN MY WELFARE, AND IF A
NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY
CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY

NIGHT WAS STORMY OR EVEN MILDLY
CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY
CABIN TO COMFORT ME."

CHOPPY, HE WOULD COME TO MY
CABIN TO COMFORT ME."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

CABIN TO COMFORT ME."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, CAPTAIN NED.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, CAPTAIN NED.
HELLO, MILES.

OH, CAPTAIN NED.
HELLO, MILES.
I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE

HELLO, MILES.
I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE
FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER.

I WAS WORRIED THAT YOU MIGHT BE
FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER.
BUT...

FRIGHTENED BY THE NASTY WEATHER.
BUT...
BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S...

BUT...
BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S...
IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT.

BUT CAPTAIN NED, SIR, IT'S...
IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT.
JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY

IT'S PERFECTLY CALM TONIGHT.
JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY
WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS

JUST, UH, WITH THE STORMY
WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS
AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM

WEATHER WE'VE HAD LATELY, I WAS
AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM
MIGHT ALARM YOU.

AFRAID THAT THE SUDDEN CALM
MIGHT ALARM YOU.
SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN...

MIGHT ALARM YOU.
SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN...
MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE

SEE, I'VE SEEN GROWN MEN...
MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE
OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH

MANLY MEN... IN THE FULL PRIDE
OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH
TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL

OF THEIR MANHOOD GROW WHITE WITH
TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL
NIGHTS AS THIS.

TERROR ON SERENE, TRANQUIL
NIGHTS AS THIS.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

NIGHTS AS THIS.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
SIR.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
SIR.
"SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT

SIR.
"SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT
NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED

"SO DANGEROUSLY PLACID DID THAT
NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED
REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE

NIGHT BECOME THAT CAPTAIN NED
REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE
ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE

REMAINED IN MY CABIN TO REASSURE
ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE
ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM

ME UNTIL DAWN, WHEN WE WERE
ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM
MR. SPUNK."

ROUSED BY A SHOUT FROM
MR. SPUNK."
LAND AHOY!

MR. SPUNK."
LAND AHOY!
LAND AHOY!

LAND AHOY!
LAND AHOY!
OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW!

LAND AHOY!
OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW!
OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND.

OH, MY GOD... I DON'T KNOW!
OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND.
MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT.

OH, IT MIGHT BE LAND.
MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT.
OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD.

MAYBE IT'S ANOTHER BOAT.
OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD.
OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL.

OH, DEAR, IT MIGHT BE A CLOUD.
OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL.
THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS

OH, YES... NO, I CAN'T TELL.
THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS
EVERYTHING.

THIS DAMN THING DISTORTS
EVERYTHING.
MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD.

EVERYTHING.
MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD.
I'M NOT SURE.

MAYBE... MAYBE IT'S A CLOUD.
I'M NOT SURE.
OH, DEAR.

I'M NOT SURE.
OH, DEAR.
MR. SPUNK!

OH, DEAR.
MR. SPUNK!
HAVE YOU SPIED LAND?

MR. SPUNK!
HAVE YOU SPIED LAND?
I'M NOT SURE.

HAVE YOU SPIED LAND?
I'M NOT SURE.
SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND

I'M NOT SURE.
SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND
LOOK.

SOMEBODY ELSE GET UP HERE AND
LOOK.
IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE

LOOK.
IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE
FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET

IF I SAY IT'S LAND AND WE MAKE
FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET
YELLED AT.

FOR AND IT'S NOT, I'LL GET
YELLED AT.
ALL RIGHT!

YELLED AT.
ALL RIGHT!
"WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED

ALL RIGHT!
"WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED
WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL

"WHAT MR. SPUNK HAD SIGHTED
WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL
OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER

WAS NOT LAND AT ALL, BUT A SMALL
OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER
INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN

OPEN BOAT WHICH UPON CLOSER
INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN
TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS."

INSPECTION WAS FOUND TO CONTAIN
TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS."
OH, DEAR.

TWO REMARKABLE PASSENGERS."
OH, DEAR.
I AM CAPTAIN NED OF

OH, DEAR.
I AM CAPTAIN NED OF
THE RAGING QUEEN.

I AM CAPTAIN NED OF
THE RAGING QUEEN.
TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES

THE RAGING QUEEN.
TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES
WITH YOU?

TELL ME, ARE THERE ANY MALES
WITH YOU?
NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I.

WITH YOU?
NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I.
YES.

NO, JUST MY SISTER AND I.
YES.
MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND

YES.
MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND
THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE.

MY NAME IS RUTH WALLINGTON, AND
THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE.
WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES

THIS IS MY SISTER MADELINE.
WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES
WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP.

WE WERE CROSSING THE WEST INDIES
WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP.
THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW

WHEN PIRATES SEIZED OUR SHIP.
THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW
PRISONERS.

THEY TOOK OUR ENTIRE CREW
PRISONERS.
HMM.

PRISONERS.
HMM.
UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE

HMM.
UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE
THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE?

UH, CAN YOU TELL ME... WERE
THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE?
THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE

THESE PIRATES MANLY AND VIRILE?
THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE
ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S

THEY WERE CONTEMPTIBLE
ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S
CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE

ANIMALS WHO SUBJECTED OUR SHIP'S
CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE
TORTURES.

CREW TO THE MOST UNSPEAKABLE
TORTURES.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES

TORTURES.
DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES
MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE

DO YOU SUPPOSE THESE PIRATES
MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE
AREA?

MIGHT STILL BE ANYWHERE IN THE
AREA?
YES.

AREA?
YES.
I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY

YES.
I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY
CLOSE.

I'M AFRAID THEY MAY YET BE VERY
CLOSE.
I SEE.

CLOSE.
I SEE.
[BELL RINGS]

I SEE.
[BELL RINGS]
MEN!

[BELL RINGS]
MEN!
THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE

MEN!
THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE
WATERS!

THERE ARE PIRATES IN THESE
WATERS!
PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS

WATERS!
PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS
PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL

PIRATES WHO INFLICT HIDEOUS
PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL
INTO THEIR HANDS.

PUNISHMENTS ON THOSE WHO FALL
INTO THEIR HANDS.
NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR

INTO THEIR HANDS.
NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR
WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE,

NOW WE CAN TURN TAIL AND RUN, OR
WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE,
THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS!

WE CAN TAKE THE MANLY COURSE,
THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS!
FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF

THAT WHICH OUR MANHOOD DEMANDS!
FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF
DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM!

FIND THESE TURNED DESPOTS OF
DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM!
WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?

DISCIPLINE AND COMFORT THEM!
WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?
All: FIND THE PIRATES?

WHAT IS YOUR ANSWER?
All: FIND THE PIRATES?
SO IT WILL BE DONE!

All: FIND THE PIRATES?
SO IT WILL BE DONE!
STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS!

SO IT WILL BE DONE!
STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS!
"DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN

STAND BY TO ENCOURAGE BOARDERS!
"DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN
THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE

"DESPITE SIX MONTHS SPENT IN
THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE
PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.

THE ENDEAVOR, OUR SEARCH FOR THE
PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.
AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO

PIRATES PROVED UNSUCCESSFUL.
AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO
PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK

AND SO, AT LENGTH, WE PUT INTO
PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK
ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND

PORT AT KEY WEST, WHERE WE TOOK
ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND
DID THE COSTUMES FOR A

ON A SUPPLY OF OMELET PANS AND
DID THE COSTUMES FOR A
PRODUCTION OF

DID THE COSTUMES FOR A
PRODUCTION OF
'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.'

PRODUCTION OF
'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.'
THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES.

'TAKE HER, SHE'S MINE.'
THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES.
WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING

THESE WERE PLEASANT TIMES.
WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING
MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS

WITH CAPTAIN NED ASHORE BUYING
MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS
SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN

MELONS, DISCIPLINE WAS LESS
SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN
TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT.

SEVERE AND HIS TRIPS TO MY CABIN
TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT.
ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN

TO COMFORT ME LESS FREQUENT.
ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN
BED WRITING A LETTER TO

ONE NIGHT, HOWEVER, AS I LAY IN
BED WRITING A LETTER TO
LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN

BED WRITING A LETTER TO
LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN
UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR."

LORD PINKNEY, I HEARD AN
UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

UNFAMILIAR KNOCK AT MY DOOR."
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
HELLO, MILES.

COME IN.
HELLO, MILES.
WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL

HELLO, MILES.
WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL
RIGHT.

WE CAME TO SEE IF YOU WERE ALL
RIGHT.
OH.

RIGHT.
OH.
YES.

OH.
YES.
WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL

YES.
WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL
SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE

WE WERE WORRIED THAT THE COOL
SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE
SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE

SEA AIR COMBINED WITH THE
SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE
CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR

SALTINESS OF THE SPRAY AND THE
CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR
MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.

CLOSENESS OF SHIPS IN THE HARBOR
MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

BUT I'M NOT FRIGHTENED.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS
AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN

WELL, THESE PAST SIX MONTHS
AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN
HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING.

AT SEA ABOARD THE RAGING QUEEN
HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM,

HAVE BEEN SOMEWHAT FRIGHTENING.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM,
BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, MA'AM,
BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON
BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE

BUT HAVE ANY OF THE MEN ON
BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE
LIBERTIES WITH YOU?

BOARD, WELL, TRIED TO TAKE
LIBERTIES WITH YOU?
NO. NO, NOT REALLY.

LIBERTIES WITH YOU?
NO. NO, NOT REALLY.
NO.

NO. NO, NOT REALLY.
NO.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL.

NO.
WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL.
OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT

WE HAVEN'T BEEN HARMED AT ALL.
OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT
THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE

OH, WELL, MA'AM, I EXPECT
THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE
WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE

THAT'S DUE TO THE DISCIPLINE
WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE
SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN

WHICH CAPTAIN NED EMPLOYS ON THE
SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN
UNSAVORY LOT.

SHIP, FOR THIS CREW IS AN
UNSAVORY LOT.
YES, I EXPECT SO.

UNSAVORY LOT.
YES, I EXPECT SO.
FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT

YES, I EXPECT SO.
FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT
IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE?

FAITH, MILES, IT IS TERRIBLY HOT
IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE?
YES.

IN HERE, ISN'T IT, MADELINE?
YES.
YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T

YES.
YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT.

YES, HONESTLY, MILES, I DON'T
KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.

KNOW HOW YOU STAND IT.
OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.
PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL.

OH, IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR ME.
PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL.
PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU

PERHAPS I'M NOT WELL.
PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU
THEN, MILES.

PERHAPS WE COULD COMFORT YOU
THEN, MILES.
OH. HELLO, MILES.

THEN, MILES.
OH. HELLO, MILES.
OH, CAPTAIN NED.

OH. HELLO, MILES.
OH, CAPTAIN NED.
HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON,

OH, CAPTAIN NED.
HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON,
MISS WALLINGTON.

HELLO, MISS WALLINGTON,
MISS WALLINGTON.
MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS

MISS WALLINGTON.
MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS
AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF

MILES, I HURRIED BACK AS I WAS
AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF
THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA

AFRAID THAT THE EXCITEMENT OF
THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA
COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF

THE LAST SEVERAL MONTHS AT SEA
COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF
SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.

COMBINED WITH THE CHANGE OF
SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,

SEASONS MIGHT HAVE ALARMED YOU.
OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
CAPTAIN.

OH, THAT'S VERY KIND OF YOU,
CAPTAIN.
EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE

CAPTAIN.
EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE
WERE COMFORTING MILES.

EXCUSE ME, CAPTAIN, BUT WE
WERE COMFORTING MILES.
WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL

WERE COMFORTING MILES.
WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL
COMFORT MILES.

WAIT... PERHAPS WE COULD ALL
COMFORT MILES.
VERY WELL.

COMFORT MILES.
VERY WELL.
I SEE NOTHING UNMANLY IN THAT.

"OF ALL THAT I HAVE SUFFERED
SINCE GOING TO SEA, NOTHING
COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT

SINCE GOING TO SEA, NOTHING
COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT
COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED

COULD COMPARE TO THE CONSTANT
COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED
AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND

COMFORTING OF BOTH CAPTAIN NED
AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND
I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM

AND THE WALLINGTON SISTERS, AND
I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM
THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST

I RESOLVED TO ESCAPE FROM
THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST
OPPORTUNITY.

THE RAGING QUEEN AT THE FIRST
OPPORTUNITY.
ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW

OPPORTUNITY.
ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW
WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO

ONE EVENING WHILE THE CREW
WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO
FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE

WAS BELOW DOING EXERCISES TO
FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE
THE SECOND MATE'S COAT,

FLATTEN THEIR STOMACHS, I STOLE
THE SECOND MATE'S COAT,
COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS,

THE SECOND MATE'S COAT,
COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS,
AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE

COLLECTED MY FEW BELONGINGS,
AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE
SIDE.

AND LOWERED MYSELF OVER THE
SIDE.
OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT

SIDE.
OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT
THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE

OF WHAT TOOK PLACE AFTER I HIT
THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE
RECOLLECTION.

THE WATER, I HAVE VERY LITTLE
RECOLLECTION.
I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A

RECOLLECTION.
I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A
VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT

I WAS EVIDENTLY QUITE ILL FOR A
VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT
THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE

VERY LONG TIME, AND THE NEXT
THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE
FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE.

THING I REMEMBER SEEING WAS THE
FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE.
HE'S COMING AROUND.

FRIENDLY FACE OF DR. PIERCE.
HE'S COMING AROUND.
OH, THANK GOD.

HE'S COMING AROUND.
OH, THANK GOD.
WHERE AM I?

OH, THANK GOD.
WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD

WHERE AM I?
YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD
THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES.

YOU'RE BACK ON BOARD
THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES.
YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY.

THE RAGING QUEEN, MILES.
YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY.
ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL

YES, YOU WERE VERY LUCKY.
ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL
OVERBOARD.

ONE OF THE CREW SAW YOU FALL
OVERBOARD.
CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO

OVERBOARD.
CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO
RELIEVED.

CAPTAIN NED WILL BE SO
RELIEVED.
HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT,

RELIEVED.
HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT,
MILES, COMFORTING YOU.

HE'S BEEN WITH YOU EVERY MOMENT,
MILES, COMFORTING YOU.
WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL

MILES, COMFORTING YOU.
WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE

WELL, MILES, I EXPECT YOU'LL
BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE
KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH?

BE STRONG ENOUGH TO GO UNDER THE
KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH?
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,

KNIFE IN A FEW DAYS, HUH?
WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DR. PIERCE?

WH-WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
DR. PIERCE?
YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M

DR. PIERCE?
YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M
AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF.

YOUR LEGS, MILES... I'M
AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF.
NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG

AFRAID THEY'LL HAVE TO COME OFF.
NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG
ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A

NOW, I'VE ONLY GOT ONE PEG LEG
ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A
NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS

ON BOARD, BUT I CAN GET YOU A
NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS
LEFT KNEE.

NICE HOOK FOR THE BOTTOM OF THIS
LEFT KNEE.
AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT,

LEFT KNEE.
AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT,
WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER

AND AS SOON AS WE REACH PORT,
WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER
WOODEN ONE.

WE'LL GO SHOPPING FOR A PROPER
WOODEN ONE.
BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY

WOODEN ONE.
BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY
LEGS?

BUT, SIR, MUST I LOSE MY
LEGS?
I'M AFRAID SO, MILES.

LEGS?
I'M AFRAID SO, MILES.
WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE

I'M AFRAID SO, MILES.
WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE
WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING

WHEN WE PULLED YOU OUT OF THE
WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING
WET.

WATER, YOUR LEGS WERE SOAKING
WET.
NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO

WET.
NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO
DO.

NOW HERE'S WHAT I'M GOING TO
DO.
"FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED

DO.
"FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED
THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON

"FROM THE MOMENT I LEARNED
THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON
MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY

THAT DR. PIERCE HAD DESIGNS ON
MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY
ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE

MY LEG, I RESOLVED TO REPEAT MY
ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE
RISK INVOLVED.

ATTEMPTED ESCAPE WHATEVER THE
RISK INVOLVED.
THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE

RISK INVOLVED.
THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE
FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM

THE VERY NEXT MORNING, AFTER ONE
FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM
CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE

FINAL NIGHT OF COMFORTING FROM
CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE
OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED

CAPTAIN NED, I ONCE MORE STOLE
OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED
MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME,

OUT OF MY CABIN AND LOWERED
MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME,
COMPLETELY UNDETECTED.

MYSELF OVER THE SIDE, THIS TIME,
COMPLETELY UNDETECTED.
AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA

COMPLETELY UNDETECTED.
AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA
HAD COME TO AN END.

AND SO MY TERM OF SERVICE AT SEA
HAD COME TO AN END.
ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE

HAD COME TO AN END.
ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE
ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE

ONCE AGAIN, I FOUND MYSELF QUITE
ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE
CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS.

ALONE IN THE WORLD WITH LITTLE
CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS.
OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM

CAPITAL AND FEW PROSPECTS.
OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM
THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY

OF THE DETAILS OF MY ESCAPE FROM
THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY
ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO,

THE RAGING QUEEN, AS WELL AS MY
ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO,
THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY

ADVENTURES SUBSEQUENT THERETO,
THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY
NEXT CHAPTER...

THE READER SHALL LEARN IN MY
NEXT CHAPTER...
'I AM EATEN BY SHARKS.'"

WELL, I GUESS THE BULBS JUST
DIDN'T TAKE THIS YEAR.
YEAH.

DIDN'T TAKE THIS YEAR.
YEAH.
WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH?

YEAH.
WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH?
IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW

WHAT A SAD CROP OF TULIPS, HUH?
IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW
FLOWERS IN THE CITY.

IT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO GROW
FLOWERS IN THE CITY.
WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A

FLOWERS IN THE CITY.
WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A
TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST

WELL, IT'S SPRING AGAIN... A
TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST
PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED

TIME TO ENJOY THE YEAR'S MOST
PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED
BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL,

PRECIOUS AND SHORT-LIVED
BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL,
FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE

BLOOMS... THOSE COLORFUL,
FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE
SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE

FRAGILE HARBINGERS OF THE
SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE
DAFFODIL, THE TULIP.

SEASON... THE CROCUS, THE
DAFFODIL, THE TULIP.
BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX

DAFFODIL, THE TULIP.
BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX
EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR

BUT A WINDOW OR BALCONY BOX
EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR
POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS

EXPOSED TO BIG-CITY AIR
POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS
IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR

POLLUTION AND HARSH URBAN ACIDS
IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR
RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS.

IS A HOSTILE ENVIRONMENT FOR
RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS.
NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE

RAISING THESE SENSITIVE ANNUALS.
NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE
REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH

NOW ROVCO INTRODUCES THE
REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH
FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC

REVOLUTIONARY BULB-GROWTH
FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC
STEROIDS FOR PLANTS.

FORMULA MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC
STEROIDS FOR PLANTS.
MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER

STEROIDS FOR PLANTS.
MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER
PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT.

MAGNA-GRO IS UNLIKE ANY OTHER
PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT.
IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER,

PLANT-GROWTH PRODUCT.
IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER,
PEAT, OR STICK.

IT IS NOT A LIQUID, POWDER,
PEAT, OR STICK.
IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A

PEAT, OR STICK.
IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A
CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT

IT IS A TUB CONTAINING A
CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT
PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC

CHEMICAL BOND BETWEEN PLANT
PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC
EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX.

PHYTOSTEROLS AND THE ANDROGENIC
EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX.
JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT

EXTRACT FROM A MATURE, LIVE OX.
JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT
IS TO USE.

JUST LOOK HOW FAST AND EASY IT
IS TO USE.
"MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE

IS TO USE.
"MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE
TULIP."

"MAGNA-GRO TYPE 200... MUSCLE
TULIP."
SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT

TULIP."
SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT
TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID

SIMPLY APPLY THE DIFFERENT
TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID
OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS.

TYPES OF MAGNA-GRO STEROID
OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS.
THEN PLANT AND WATER.

OINTMENT TO SEEDS OR BULBS.
THEN PLANT AND WATER.
WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF

THEN PLANT AND WATER.
WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF
STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES

WITHIN SECONDS, THE POWER OF
STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES
WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY,

STEROL AND HORMONE ADDITIVES
WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY,
ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH

WILL PROMOTE HEALTHY,
ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH
IN YOUR GARDEN PATCH OR WINDOW

ACCELERATIVE, AND MASSIVE GROWTH
IN YOUR GARDEN PATCH OR WINDOW
BOX.

WOW, IT REALLY WORKS WITH A
BEAUTIFUL BLOOM.
YEAH.

BEAUTIFUL BLOOM.
YEAH.
AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS

YEAH.
AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS
NECK.

AND LOOK AT THE SIZE OF ITS
NECK.
ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE

NECK.
ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE
DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT

ROVCO GUARANTEES YOU'LL BE
DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT
HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT

DELIGHTED WITH THE INSTANT
HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT
FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK.

HYPER-DEVELOPMENT OF YOUR PLANT
FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK.
LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH.

FIBERS, OR YOUR MONEY BACK.
LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

LOOK AT THAT STRENGTH.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC
STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES

ROVCO'S MAGNA-GRO ANABOLIC
STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES
INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY

STEROIDS... OVER 400 TYPES
INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY
CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON.

INCLUDING MUSCLE TULIP, MIGHTY
CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON.
ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY

CROCUS, AND MEAT MELON.
ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY
FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP

ORDER NOW AND RECEIVE ABSOLUTELY
FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP
CLIPPER.

FREE THIS TEMPERED STEEL TULIP
CLIPPER.
MAGNA-GRO TURNS SEEDS INTO

CLIPPER.
MAGNA-GRO TURNS SEEDS INTO
SURVIVORS.

Announcer: SEND $19.95 TO

MAGNA-GRO, BOX 90 PIER 26,

NEW YORK, NEW YORK.

NOT FOR USE ON VINES.

VEGETABLES DEVELOPED BY

MAGNA-GRO ARE NON-EDIBLE.

ERNEST BORGNINE AND
ETHEL MERMAN REMARRY.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON

ETHEL MERMAN REMARRY.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP

THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW

NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

BILL MURRAY AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER
AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF

PRESIDENT CARTER EXPRESSED ANGER
AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS

AND SHOCK AFTER THE HOUSE OF
REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS
STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN

REPRESENTATIVES REJECTED HIS
STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN
AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME

STANDBY GASOLINE RATIONING PLAN
AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME
UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN.

AND CHALLENGED THE HOUSE TO COME
UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN.
WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY

UP WITH ITS OWN PLAN.
WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY
JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS

WELL, REPUBLICAN MINORITY
JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS
DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY

JOHN RHODES REPORTEDLY HAS
DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY
ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS.

DEVELOPED A NEW PLAN WHEREBY
ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS.
MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE

ONLY WHITE PEOPLE CAN GET GAS.
MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE
ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS

MULATTOS AND ORIENTALS WOULD BE
ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS
HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR.

ALLOWED TO FILL THEIR TANKS
HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR.
NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS

HALFWAY, BUT ONLY WITH REGULAR.
NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS
AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT

NASA, THE NATIONAL AERONAUTICS
AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT
SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE

AND SPACE AGENCY, SAYS THAT
SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE
LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT

SKYLAB, IT'S 77-TON SPACE
LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT
AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH

LABORATORY, IS LOSING ITS ORBIT
AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH
BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER.

AND WILL HURTLE TOWARD THE EARTH
BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER.
500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL

BETWEEN NOW AND SEPTEMBER.
500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL
SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST

500 PIECES OF THE VESSEL WILL
SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST
WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE

SURVIVE REENTRY... THE LARGEST
WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE
OVER 1,000 POUNDS.

WEIGHING 5,000 WITH MANY MORE
OVER 1,000 POUNDS.
NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF

OVER 1,000 POUNDS.
NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF
THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL

NASA DOESN'T KNOW WHERE ANY OF
THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL
CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED

THESE LETHAL FIREBALLS WILL
CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED
THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON

CRASH TO EARTH, BUT IT IS HOPED
THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON
NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON.

THAT MOST OF THEM WILL LAND ON
NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON.
BILL.

NASA HEADQUARTERS IN HOUSTON.
BILL.
HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE

BILL.
HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE
CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE

HOSTILE LABORATORY MICE
CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE
KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA,"

CHANTING, "HARE KRISHNA, HARE
KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA,"
BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT

KRISHNA, HARE RAMA, HARE RAMA,"
BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT
DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY,

BROKE OUT OF THEIR CAGES AT
DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY,
COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A

DUKE UNIVERSITY YESTERDAY,
COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A
NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A

COMMANDEERED GOLF CARTS FROM A
NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A
48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN

NEARBY COURSE, AND WENT FOR A
48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN
DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA,

48-HOUR SPREE THROUGH DOWNTOWN
DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA,
SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS

DURHAM, NORTH CAROLINA,
SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS
SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND

SHATTERING STORE WINDOWS
SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND
SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A

SCREAMING MOUSE INSULTS AND
SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A
COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND

SHIMMYING UNASHAMEDLY TO A
COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND
PUNK ROCK.

COMBINATION OF DISCO MUSIC AND
PUNK ROCK.
THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE.

PUNK ROCK.
THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS

THERE WERE NO ARRESTS MADE.
WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS
FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE AGE HAS
FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH
CHICO ESCUELA.

FINALLY CAUGHT UP WITH
CHICO ESCUELA.
THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE

CHICO ESCUELA.
THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE
THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT

THE 42-YEAR-OLD FORMER MET MADE
THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT
ONCE THE SEASON BEGAN, IT WAS A

THE METS SPRING TRAINING, BUT
ONCE THE SEASON BEGAN, IT WAS A
DIFFERENT STORY.

AS IF HIS ENTIRE BODY BETRAYED

HIM, CHICO LOOKED SPASTIC AND

BEWILDERED BOTH AT BAT AND IN

THE FIELD.

GROUND BALLS THAT CHICO WOULD

HAVE EASILY GOTTEN IN HIS PRIME

ELUDED HIM AND CONTRIBUTED TO

THE METS' SLOW START THIS

SEASON.

ALTHOUGH THE CROWDS WERE ALWAYS

BEHIND THEIR FORMER HERO, HE

NEVER CEASED TO DISAPPOINT THEM.

AS THE SPIRIT WAS WILLING,

CHICO'S ARMS, LEGS, EYES, AND

REFLEXES WERE SHOT TO HELL, AND

THEN THIS.

TO ADD INSULT TO INJURY, A

CRUSHING BLOW OFF THE BAT OF

DODGER STEVE GARVEY.

AFTER BEING REVIVED, A NOW

STERILE CHICO ESCUELA INFORMED

THE METS THAT HE WAS QUITTING

BASEBALL.

THUS ENDS THE INSPIRING SAGA OF
CHICO ESCUELA.
CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE

CHICO ESCUELA.
CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS

CHICO WILL REJOIN US HERE AT THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS
HE CATCHES HIS BREATH.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" DESK AS SOON AS
HE CATCHES HIS BREATH.
JANE.

HE CATCHES HIS BREATH.
JANE.
THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH

JANE.
THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A

THE NEW YORK STATE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A
DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS

DEPARTMENT SAID THAT D.E.S., A
DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS
TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES

DRUG TAKEN BY PREGNANT MOTHERS
TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES
CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN.

TO PREVENT MISCARRIAGES, CAUSES
CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN.
AS A PUBLIC SERVICE,

CANCER IN THEIR CHILDREN.
AS A PUBLIC SERVICE,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT

AS A PUBLIC SERVICE,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT
ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PROCLAIMS THAT
ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN
D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A

ANY CHILD WHOSE MOM HAS TAKEN
D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A
MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW.

D.E.S. DOESN'T HAVE TO BUY HER A
MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW.
LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT TOMORROW.
LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED
MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE

LAST WEEK, BRITAIN ELECTED
MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE
FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN

MARGARET THATCHER TO BE THE
FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN
EUROPEAN HISTORY.

FIRST WOMAN PRIME MINISTER IN
EUROPEAN HISTORY.
RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"

EUROPEAN HISTORY.
RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"
SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE

RIGHT NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE'S"
SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE
SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND

SATELLITE IS BOUNCING A LIVE
SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND
NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET,

SIGNAL BETWEEN OUR STUDIOS AND
NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET,
LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER

NUMBER 10 DOWNING STREET,
LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER
THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO

LONDON, WHERE PRIME MINISTER
THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO
US.

THATCHER IS WAITING TO TALK TO
US.
MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU

US.
MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU
HEAR ME?

MRS. PRIME MINISTER, CAN YOU
HEAR ME?
YES, YES, I CAN, JANE.

HEAR ME?
YES, YES, I CAN, JANE.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR

YES, YES, I CAN, JANE.
WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR
CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING

WELL, FIRST OF ALL, OUR
CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING
GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN

CONGRATULATIONS ON BECOMING
GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN
PRIME MINISTER.

GREAT BRITAIN'S FIRST WOMAN
PRIME MINISTER.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.

PRIME MINISTER.
WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY,

WELL, THANK YOU, JANE.
BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY,
GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED

BUT THROUGHOUT OUR HISTORY,
GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED
BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN

GREAT BRITAIN HAS BEEN BLESSED
BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN
LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH,

BY SEVERAL GREAT WOMEN
LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH,
QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE.

LEADERS... QUEEN ELIZABETH,
QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE.
MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE

QUEEN VICTORIA, JEREMY THORPE.
MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE
CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING

MRS. THATCHER, DURING THE
CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING
THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE

CAMPAIGN, YOU STOPPED WEARING
THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE
KNOWN FOR.

THOSE OUTLANDISH HATS YOU WERE
KNOWN FOR.
NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO

KNOWN FOR.
NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO
YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS

NOW THAT YOU'VE BEEN ELECTED, DO
YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS
AGAIN?

YOU PLAN TO START WEARING HATS
AGAIN?
[Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU

AGAIN?
[Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, JANE?

[Laughing] WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING ABOUT, JANE?
THIS IS A HAT.

TALKING ABOUT, JANE?
THIS IS A HAT.
YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT.

THIS IS A HAT.
YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT.
I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE

YES, IT'S MY LUCKY HAT.
I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE
CAMPAIGN.

I WORE IT ALL THROUGHOUT THE
CAMPAIGN.
I SEE.

CAMPAIGN.
I SEE.
WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS

I SEE.
WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS
MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER,

WELL, TO TURN TO MORE SERIOUS
MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER,
ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE

MATTERS, MRS. PRIME MINISTER,
ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE
ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND

ARE YOU GOING TO REVERSE
ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND
LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW

ENGLAND'S RHODESIA POLICY AND
LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW
GOVERNMENT?

LIFT SANCTION AGAINST THE NEW
GOVERNMENT?
YES.

GOVERNMENT?
YES.
YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY,

YES.
YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY,
JANE.

YES, I AM LEANING THAT WAY,
JANE.
AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN

JANE.
AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN
ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE

AFTER ALL, THERE WAS AN
ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE
VOTE.

ELECTION... ONE PERSON, ONE
VOTE.
NOW I ASK YOU...

VOTE.
NOW I ASK YOU...
EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY

NOW I ASK YOU...
EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY
ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE.

EXCUSE ME, IT WASN'T EXACTLY
ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE.
THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY...

ONE PERSON, ONE VOTE.
THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY...
YES, CAN I JUST FINISH?

THE WHITES WERE OBVIOUSLY...
YES, CAN I JUST FINISH?
THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT.

YES, CAN I JUST FINISH?
THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT.
THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER

THERE IS AN INTERNAL SETTLEMENT.
THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER
ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC

THERE IS A BLACK PRIME MINISTER
ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC
ELECTION.

ELECTED IN A DEMOCRATIC
ELECTION.
NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC.

ELECTION.
NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC.
THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS...

NOT... NOT REALLY DEMOCRATIC.
THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS...
MAY I FINISH?

THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT WAS...
MAY I FINISH?
THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT

MAY I FINISH?
THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT
GUARANTEED THE WHITES A

THE INTERNAL SETTLEMENT
GUARANTEED THE WHITES A
DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS

GUARANTEED THE WHITES A
DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS
IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO

DISPROPORTIONATE NUMBER OF SEATS
IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO
ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE

IN PARLIAMENT... ENOUGH TO VETO
ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE
NEXT 10 YEARS.

ANY MEANINGFUL CHANGE FOR THE
NEXT 10 YEARS.
WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL

NEXT 10 YEARS.
WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL
THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL

WHITES WILL CONTINUE TO CONTROL
THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL
SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING

THE POLICE, THE ARMY, THE CIVIL
SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING
THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT

SERVICE, HOUSING, PERPETUATING
THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT
FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND

THE SYSTEM OF OPPRESSION THAT
FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND
CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR

FUELS THE FIRE OF REVOLUTION AND
CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR
SOVIET EXPANSIONISM.

CREATES A BREEDING GROUND FOR
SOVIET EXPANSIONISM.
JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT

SOVIET EXPANSIONISM.
JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT
SLUT.

JANE, YOU'RE AN IGNORANT
SLUT.
THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER

SLUT.
THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER
THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, PRIME MINISTER
THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.
AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES,

THATCHER FOR JOINING US TONIGHT.
AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES,
RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER

AS S.A.L.T. II APPROACHES,
RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER
BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE

RUMORS ABOUT SOVIET PREMIER
BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE
INCREASED.

BREZHNEV'S HEALTH HAVE
INCREASED.
IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT

INCREASED.
IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT
VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS

IT WAS REVEALED YESTERDAY THAT
VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS
BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER

VIENNA WAS CHOSEN FOR THE TALKS
BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER
WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY

BECAUSE THE AILING SOVIET LEADER
WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY
TRAIN RIDE.

WOULD ONLY HAVE TO TAKE AN EASY
TRAIN RIDE.
HERE AT A PARTY MEETING,

TRAIN RIDE.
HERE AT A PARTY MEETING,
BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER

HERE AT A PARTY MEETING,
BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER
FOR SUPPORT.

BREZHNEV GRABS A FELLOW MEMBER
FOR SUPPORT.
THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT,

FOR SUPPORT.
THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT,
MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE

THIS WEEK, MAY 10 TO BE EXACT,
MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE
OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE.

MARKED THE 80th BIRTHDAY OF ONE
OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE.
HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS

OF OUR IDOLS, FRED ASTAIRE.
HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS
HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE

HE WAS BORN IN 1899, WHICH MEANS
HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE
20th CENTURY.

HE'S ACTUALLY OLDER THAN THE
20th CENTURY.
AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED,

20th CENTURY.
AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED,
FROM ALL OF US.

AND THIS ONE IS FOR YOU, FRED,
FROM ALL OF US.
Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪

FROM ALL OF US.
Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

Both: ♪ BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪
♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE
SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪

♪ THOUGH YOUR DANCING SHOES ARE
SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪
♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0,

SHOWING WEAR AND TEAR ♪
♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0,
AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪

♪ YOU HAVE REACHED THE BIG 8-0,
AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪
♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

AND YOU'RE STILL THERE ♪
♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
FRED ASTAIRE ♪

♪ SO I WISH HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
FRED ASTAIRE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ASTRONOMERS ARE BAFFLED OVER
A NEW PECULIAR STAR THAT HAS
BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY.

A NEW PECULIAR STAR THAT HAS
BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY.
AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR

BEEN SPOTTED IN THE SKY.
AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR
FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND HERE WITH A REPORT IS OUR
FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER.

FRIEND FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER.
THANK YOU.

FATHER.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I
NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR

UH, EXCUSE ME, FATHER, I-I
NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR
RED STRIPES.

NOTICE YOU'RE NOT WEARING YOUR
RED STRIPES.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU

RED STRIPES.
DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU
WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR?

DID SOMETHING HAPPEN, YOU
WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR?
WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST

WEREN'T PROMOTED TO MONSIGNOR?
WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST
POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE.

WELL, IT WAS... IT WAS JUST
POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE.
THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM

POSTPONED A LITTLE BIT, JANE.
THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM
WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE

THEY SAID IT WAS SOME PROBLEM
WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE
TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP.

WITH THE PAPERWORK, AND I'D HAVE
TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING

TO WAIT FOR THE NEXT GROUP.
I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING
ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR

I DON'T KNOW IF THEY'RE GIVING
ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR
WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE

ME A RING AROUND THE BUSH OR
WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE
TRUTH.

WHAT'S GOING ON, TELL YOU THE
TRUTH.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.

TRUTH.
I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON,

I THINK IT'S GONNA BE OKAY.
I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON,
BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I

I'M-A GONNA BE PROMOTED SOON,
BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I
CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I

BECAUSE JUST THE OTHER DAY I
CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I
THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE

CAME UP WITH A GREAT IDEA, AND I
THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE
IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY.

THINK THEY'RE REALLY GONNA LIKE
IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT WAS THE IDEA?

IT AND PROMOTE ME RIGHT AWAY.
WHAT WAS THE IDEA?
IT'S A-CALLED THE

WHAT WAS THE IDEA?
IT'S A-CALLED THE
SHRINE-MOBILE.

IT'S A-CALLED THE
SHRINE-MOBILE.
SHRINE-MOBILE.

SHRINE-MOBILE.
SHRINE-MOBILE.
I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU

SHRINE-MOBILE.
I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU
KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE

I WAS IN-A THIS-A MEETING, YOU
KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE
CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY

KNOW, AND THERE WAS ALL THESE
CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY
WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW,

CARDINALS AND BISHOPS, AND THEY
WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW,
AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST

WAS ALL-A REALLY DOWN, YOU KNOW,
AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST
GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT

AND DEPRESSED 'CAUSE THEY JUST
GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT
SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE

GOT THIS REPORT BACK, AND IT
SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE
SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%.

SAYS THAT THE TAKE AT THE
SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%.
AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE

SHRINES IN ITALY IS OFF 55%.
AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE
PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO

AND-A THE REASON IS BECAUSE THE
PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO
EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON,

PRICE OF GASOLINE IS SO
EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON,
PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO

EXPENSIVE, AT $2.50 A GALLON,
PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO
DRIVE TO THE SHRINES.

PEOPLE JUST-A CAN'T AFFORD TO
DRIVE TO THE SHRINES.
SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW,

DRIVE TO THE SHRINES.
SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW,
"WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER

SO I SAYS TO THEM, YOU KNOW,
"WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER
SPIRIT?"

"WHERE'S THAT OLD WALK-ON-WATER
SPIRIT?"
YOU KNOW?

SPIRIT?"
YOU KNOW?
PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE

YOU KNOW?
PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE
IT SITTING DOWN.

PROCTER & GAMBLE WOULDN'T TAKE
IT SITTING DOWN.
YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T

IT SITTING DOWN.
YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T
DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU

YOU KNOW, IF THE PEOPLE CAN'T
DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU
DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE.

DRIVE TO THE SHRINES, YOU
DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET

DRIVE THE SHRINES TO THE PEOPLE.
YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET
THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED YOU GET
THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE
STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME

THESE OLD TRUCKS, PUT THE
STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME
ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT

STATUES ON THE BACK, PUT-A SOME
ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT
SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD,

ROCKS AROUND THE STATUES, PUT
SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD,
YOU KNOW?

SOME, LIKE, CANDLES ON THE HOOD,
YOU KNOW?
YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE

YOU KNOW?
YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE
IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS.

YOU GET THE SEMINARIANS TO DRIVE
IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS.
I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE,

IT... YOU PAY 'EM PEANUTS.
I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE,
$100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET

I FIGURE IF WE COULD MAKE, LIKE,
$100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET
100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO

$100 A TRUCK A MONTH... YOU GET
100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO
SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW?

100 TRUCKS... IT'S NOTHING TO
SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW?
SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME.

SNEEZE-A YOUR NOSE AT, YOU KNOW?
SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME.
WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT

SO IT'S GONNA BE GOOD FOR ME.
WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT
THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY

WELL, THIS-A NEW PLANET THAT
THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY
SOMETHING.

THEY SPOTTED, IT'S REALLY
SOMETHING.
IT'S GOT A-THESE ASTRONOMERS

SOMETHING.
IT'S GOT A-THESE ASTRONOMERS
BAFFLED, AND HOW.

THIS IS IT RIGHT-A HERE, AND I

HOPE YOU CAN SEE IT.

THEY CALL IT SS 433.

AND-A THEY FOUND OUT THAT IT'S
COMING TOWARDS EARTH 30,000
MILES A SECOND.

COMING TOWARDS EARTH 30,000
MILES A SECOND.
BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM

MILES A SECOND.
BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM
EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND.

BUT IT'S ALSO GOING AWAY FROM
EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND.
IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING

EARTH 30,000 MILES A SECOND.
IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING
AT THE SAME TIME.

IT SEEMS TO BE COMING AND GOING
AT THE SAME TIME.
IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS

AT THE SAME TIME.
IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS
OF PHYSICS.

IT JUST BREAKS ALL OF THE LAWS
OF PHYSICS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF

OF PHYSICS.
THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF
IT.

THEY DON'T KNOW WHAT TO MAKE OF
IT.
SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN

IT.
SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN
LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD

SO I WENT TO THE VATICAN
LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD
ARCHIVES.

LIBRARY, LOOKED UP THESE OLD
ARCHIVES.
YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED

ARCHIVES.
YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED
WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR

YOU KNOW WE'VE BEEN INVOLVED
WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR
YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF

WITH ASTRONOMY, ASTROLOGY FOR
YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF
YEARS.

YEARS AND YEARS... HUNDREDS OF
YEARS.
AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS

YEARS.
AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS
OLD BOOK.

AND I DID FIND IT, IN-A THIS
OLD BOOK.
IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS

OLD BOOK.
IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS
CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET.

IT WAS CALLED... THE PLANET WAS
CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET.
IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING

CALLED VIENE ET VIENUM PLANET.
IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING
PLANET.

IT MEANS COMING-AND-A-GOING
PLANET.
AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT

PLANET.
AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT
THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A

AND IN THE BOOK IT SAYS THAT
THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A
VERY INTERESTING.

THERE IS LIFE THERE, AND IT'S-A
VERY INTERESTING.
EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES

VERY INTERESTING.
EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES
TO BE 200 YEARS OLD.

EVERYBODY ON THAT PLANET LIVES
TO BE 200 YEARS OLD.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO

TO BE 200 YEARS OLD.
BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO
BE REAL OLD.

BUT IT'S NOT LIKE THEY GET TO
BE REAL OLD.
WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE

BE REAL OLD.
WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE
100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK

WHAT HAPPENS IS, THEY GET TO BE
100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK
AGAIN.

100, THEN THEY START GOING BACK
AGAIN.
IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80,

AGAIN.
IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80,
90, 100.

IT'S-A LIKE, YOU KNOW, 70, 80,
90, 100.
THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70,

90, 100.
THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70,
60.

THEN 90, 70... YOU KNOW, 80, 70,
60.
THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER

60.
THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER
AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID

THEN YOU'RE LIKE A TEENAGER
AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID
AGAIN.

AGAIN, THEN, YOU KNOW, A KID
AGAIN.
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.

AGAIN.
AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO BACK.
[LAUGHTER]
IT'S...

[LAUGHTER]
IT'S...
[APPLAUSE]

IT'S...
[APPLAUSE]
YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW.

[APPLAUSE]
YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW.
I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE

YOU HAVE TO GO BACK, YOU KNOW.
I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE
ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE

I UNDERSTAND FROM THIS LITTLE
ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE
TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN.

ARTICLE, IT SAYS IT'S EVEN MORE
TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN.
AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE

TRAUMATIC THAN BEING BORN.
AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE
ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM

AND WHAT'S INTERESTING... PEOPLE
ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM
LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY

ON THIS PLANET, JUST FROM
LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY
CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND

LOOKING AT ONE ANOTHER, THEY
CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND
WHO'S-A GOING.

CAN'T TELL WHO'S-A COMING AND
WHO'S-A GOING.
YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO

WHO'S-A GOING.
YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO
PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20

YOU KNOW, SO, LIKE, MAYBE TWO
PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20
YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A

PEOPLE MEET AND THEY'RE BOTH 20
YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A
GIRL.

YEARS OLD... A FELLOW AND A
GIRL.
THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU

GIRL.
THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU
KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18.

THEY'RE 20, AND FIRST THING, YOU
KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18.
THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND

KNOW, HE'S LIKE 22 AND SHE'S 18.
THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND
SHE'S 15.

THEN, YOU KNOW, HE'S-A 25 AND
SHE'S 15.
AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY

SHE'S 15.
AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY
SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A

AND, YOU KNOW, PRETTY... PRETTY
SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A
LOT OF TROUBLE.

SOON, YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A
LOT OF TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]

LOT OF TROUBLE.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST

[LAUGHTER]
AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST
THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON

AND THEN... AND THEN, THE FIRST
THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON
YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW?

THING, YOU GOT A LITTLE BABY ON
YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW?
I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER

YOUR HANDS, YOU KNOW?
I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER
PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK.

I READ ABOUT-A THIS OTHER
PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK.
IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE,

PLANET, TOO, IN THE SAME BOOK.
IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE,
AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE.

IT'S-A, LIKE, THE SUN IS-A HERE,
AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE.
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE

AND THE EARTH IS-A HERE.
AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET.

AND ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE
SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET.
WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU

SUN, THERE'S THIS OTHER PLANET.
WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU
KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A

WE CAN'T SEE IT BECAUSE, YOU
KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A
FROM US.

KNOW, THE SUN'S BLOCKING IT-A
FROM US.
BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN

FROM US.
BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN
EVERY SINGLE WAY.

BUT IT'S JUST LIKE EARTH IN
EVERY SINGLE WAY.
IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF

EVERY SINGLE WAY.
IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF
EARTH.

IT'S LIKE A MIRROR PLANET OF
EARTH.
THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND

EARTH.
THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND
THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON

THERE'S ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE, AND
THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON
THE COB LIKE THIS.

THAT IS THAT THEY EAT CORN ON
THE COB LIKE THIS.
[LAUGHTER]

THE COB LIKE THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S IT!

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE.

THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S IT.

THAT'S THE ONLY DIFFERENCE.
THAT'S IT.
I'M NOT GOING THERE.

THAT'S IT.
I'M NOT GOING THERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU

I'M NOT GOING THERE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU KNOW, IT'S TOO MESSY, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A
THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I'M USED TO EATING IT LIKE-A
THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.

THIS, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE,

I JUST DON'T WANT TO CHANGE.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE,
YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A HABIT, LIKE,
YOU KNOW.
WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN

YOU KNOW.
WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN
WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF

WELL, IT WAS-A MORE THAN
WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF
MOMENTS WITH YOU.

WONDERFUL SPENDING A COUPLE OF
MOMENTS WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!

MOMENTS WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
MOTHER'S DAY.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
MOTHER'S DAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MOTHER'S DAY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF"
PLAYS]

[INTRO TO "UP ON THE ROOF"
PLAYS]
♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS

[PLAYS]
♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS
GETTING ME DOWN ♪

♪ WHEN THIS OLD WORLD STARTS
GETTING ME DOWN ♪
♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH

GETTING ME DOWN ♪
♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH
FOR ME TO FACE ♪

♪ AND PEOPLE ARE JUST TOO MUCH
FOR ME TO FACE ♪
♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP

FOR ME TO FACE ♪
♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP
OF THE STAIRS ♪

♪ I'LL CLIMB WAY UP TO THE TOP
OF THE STAIRS ♪
♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT

OF THE STAIRS ♪
♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT
RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪

♪ AND ALL MY CARES JUST DRIFT
RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪
♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS

RIGHT INTO SPACE ♪
♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS
CAN BE ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, IT'S PEACEFUL AS
CAN BE ♪
♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW

CAN BE ♪
♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW
WON'T BOTHER ME ♪

♪ AND THERE THE WORLD BELOW
WON'T BOTHER ME ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪

WON'T BOTHER ME ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪

♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING

♪ NO, NO ♪
♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING
TIRED AND BEAT ♪

♪ SO, WHEN I COME HOME FEELING
TIRED AND BEAT ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE

TIRED AND BEAT ♪
♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE
AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪

♪ I'D LIKE TO GO UP WHERE THE
AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪
♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE

AIR IS FRESH AND SWEET ♪
♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE
HUSTLING CROWD ♪

♪ I'LL GET FAR AWAY FROM THE
HUSTLING CROWD ♪
♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE

HUSTLING CROWD ♪
♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE
DOWN IN THE STREET ♪

♪ AND ALL THAT RAT-RACE NOISE
DOWN IN THE STREET ♪
♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY

DOWN IN THE STREET ♪
♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY
PLACE I KNOW ♪

♪ ON THE ROOF, THAT'S THE ONLY
PLACE I KNOW ♪
♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪

PLACE I KNOW ♪
♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪
♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO

♪ LOOK AT THE CITY, BABY ♪
♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO
MAKE IT ♪

♪ WHERE YOU JUST HAVE TO WISH TO
MAKE IT ♪
♪ SO, LETS GO UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ YES, AND AT NIGHT THE STARS,
THEY PUT ON A SHOW FOR FREE ♪
♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT

THEY PUT ON A SHOW FOR FREE ♪
♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT
ALL WITH ME ♪

♪ AND, DARLING, YOU CAN SHARE IT
ALL WITH ME ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON

ALL WITH ME ♪
♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON
TELLING YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S RIGHT, I KEEP ON
TELLING YOU ♪
♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE

TELLING YOU ♪
♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE
MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪

♪ THAT RIGHT SMACK-DAB IN THE
MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪
♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S

MIDDLE OF TOWN ♪
♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S
TROUBLEPROOF ♪

♪ I FOUND A PARADISE THAT'S
TROUBLEPROOF ♪
♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS

TROUBLEPROOF ♪
♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS
TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪

♪ AND IF THIS OLD WORLD STARTS
TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪
♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO

TO GETTING YOU DOWN ♪
♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO
UP ON THE ROOF ♪

♪ THERE'S ROOM ENOUGH FOR TWO
UP ON THE ROOF ♪
♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪

UP ON THE ROOF ♪
♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪
♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪

♪ UP ON THE ROOF ♪
♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪

♪ UP ON THE RO-O-O-O-OF ♪
♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪

♪ OH, OH ♪
♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪
♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME

♪ LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING, BABY ♪
♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME
AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪

♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME
AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪
♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE

AND SEE A STARRY NIGHT ♪
♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE
CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪

♪ WE GOT THE STARS ABOVE AND THE
CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪
♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪

CITY LIGHTS BELOW ♪
♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪
♪ WHOA, BABY ♪

♪ U-U-U-U-P ON THE ROOF, NOW ♪
♪ WHOA, BABY ♪
♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME

♪ WHOA, BABY ♪
♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME
TONIGHT ♪

♪ CLIMB UP THE STAIRS WITH ME
TONIGHT ♪
♪ WHOO ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MAY 1979.
LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT

LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT
ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN

THE AMERICAN CITY MOST DEPENDENT
ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN
OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS

ON THE AUTOMOBILE AND FOREIGN
OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS
GAS SHORTAGE.

OIL IS DEVASTATED BY THE SERIOUS
GAS SHORTAGE.
NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE

GAS SHORTAGE.
NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE
EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE

NOWHERE IS THIS CRISIS MORE
EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE
RESTLESS YOUTHS CRUISE DOWN

EVIDENT THAN IN EAST L.A., WHERE
RESTLESS YOUTHS CRUISE DOWN
THE...

[Spanish accent] HEY,
PABLO!
[Spanish accent] HEY,

PABLO!
[Spanish accent] HEY,
DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY?

[Spanish accent] HEY,
DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY?
WHERE'S YOUR CAR?

DONNA, WHY YOU WALKING, HOMEBOY?
WHERE'S YOUR CAR?
OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO.

WHERE'S YOUR CAR?
OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO.
YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING

OH, IT'S OUT OF GAS, PABLO.
YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING
CRAZY.

YEAH, PEOPLE ARE GETTING
CRAZY.
iQUé DE MADRE!

CRAZY.
iQUé DE MADRE!
ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS.

IQUé DE MADRE!
ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?

ESE, WE ARE BROTHERS.
WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
UH...

WHERE DID YOU GET THAT?
UH...
KNOCK ON THAT DOOR.

UH...
KNOCK ON THAT DOOR.
TELL 'EM I SENT YOU.

KNOCK ON THAT DOOR.
TELL 'EM I SENT YOU.
MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE

TELL 'EM I SENT YOU.
MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE
BIT, OKAY?

MAYBE HE'LL SELL YOU A LITTLE
BIT, OKAY?
I SEE.

BIT, OKAY?
I SEE.
RIGHT OVER THERE.

I SEE.
RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP.

RIGHT OVER THERE.
OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP.
WELL, WELL.

OH, HERE COMES THAT NOSY COP.
WELL, WELL.
PABLO AND DONNA.

WELL, WELL.
PABLO AND DONNA.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH?

PABLO AND DONNA.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH?
WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO?

WHAT'S HAPPENING, AMIGOS? HUH?
WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO?
UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER

WHAT'S IN THE CAN, PABLO?
UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER
FROM EASTER.

UH, IT'S JELLY BEANS LEFTOVER
FROM EASTER.
LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK.

FROM EASTER.
LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK.
I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE,

LISTEN, LISTEN, PUNK.
I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU HEAR?

I WANT YOU TO GET OUT OF HERE,
YOU HEAR?
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING

YOU HEAR?
I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING
AROUND.

I DON'T WANT TO SEE YOU HANGING
AROUND.
NOW, GET MOVING.

AROUND.
NOW, GET MOVING.
NOT YOU, DONNA.

NOW, GET MOVING.
NOT YOU, DONNA.
I WANT A WORD WITH YOU.

NOT YOU, DONNA.
I WANT A WORD WITH YOU.
ME?

I WANT A WORD WITH YOU.
ME?
YEAH, CARLOS.

ME?
YEAH, CARLOS.
YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY.

YEAH, CARLOS.
YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY.
THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE

YOU WEREN'T IN SCHOOL TODAY.
THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
NO GAS.

THAT'S BECAUSE I DIDN'T HAVE
NO GAS.
WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME?

NO GAS.
WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF

WHY YOU ALWAYS HASSLING ME?
BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF
THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS

BECAUSE YOU'RE A MEMBER OF
THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS
IS A GANG.

THE CARDOBAS, AND THE CARDOBAS
IS A GANG.
WE ARE NOT A GANG.

IS A GANG.
WE ARE NOT A GANG.
WE ARE A CLUB.

WE ARE NOT A GANG.
WE ARE A CLUB.
OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT

WE ARE A CLUB.
OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT
CLUBS.

OH, DON'T TELL ME ABOUT
CLUBS.
CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A

CLUBS.
CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A
GANG.

CLUB'S A GANG... I WAS IN A
GANG.
SO DON'T TELL ME.

GANG.
SO DON'T TELL ME.
AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR

SO DON'T TELL ME.
AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR
GANG, MAN?

AH, WHATEVER HAPPENED TO YOUR
GANG, MAN?
HA HA HA.

GANG, MAN?
HA HA HA.
THEY KICKED ME OUT.

HA HA HA.
THEY KICKED ME OUT.
SO I BECAME A COP.

THEY KICKED ME OUT.
SO I BECAME A COP.
WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU,

SO I BECAME A COP.
WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU,
ESE.

WELL, WE ARE NOT LIKE YOU,
ESE.
WE ARE CHICANOS.

ESE.
WE ARE CHICANOS.
AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE

WE ARE CHICANOS.
AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE
PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN

AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE
PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN
THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL

PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN
THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL
NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE

THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL
NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE
GROUND.

NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE
GROUND.
SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A

GROUND.
SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A
GOOD HEAD.

SAY, SAY, DONNA, YOU GOT A
GOOD HEAD.
WISE UP.

GOOD HEAD.
WISE UP.
TALK TO ME.

WISE UP.
TALK TO ME.
I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.

TALK TO ME.
I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.
WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING

I GOT NOTHING TO SAY TO YOU.
WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING
AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG.

WELL, REMEMBER, I'M KEEPING
AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG.
IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A

AN EYE ON YOU AND YOUR GANG.
IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A
CLUB!

IT'S NOT A GANG... IT'S A
CLUB!
AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A

CLUB!
AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A
HEADACHE.

AH, YOU'RE GIVING ME A
HEADACHE.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT A HOLE

HEADACHE.
THAT'S BECAUSE YOU GOT A HOLE
IN YOUR HEAD, MAN.

SORRY. WE'RE CLOSED.
EH, PABLO SENT ME.
COME ON, MAN.

EH, PABLO SENT ME.
COME ON, MAN.
HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF

COME ON, MAN.
HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF
HERE.

HE SAID I COULD GET SOME STUFF
HERE.
WHAT STUFF?

HERE.
WHAT STUFF?
YOU KNOW, STUFF.

WHAT STUFF?
YOU KNOW, STUFF.
STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS.

YOU KNOW, STUFF.
STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS.
OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG

STUFF, YOU KNOW, LIKE GAS.
OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG
GUY.

OH, NO, YOU GOT THE WRONG
GUY.
I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC.

GUY.
I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC.
THIS IS A GARAGE.

I'M A JAGUAR MECHANIC.
THIS IS A GARAGE.
I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN

THIS IS A GARAGE.
I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN
CARS.

I WORK ON EXPENSIVE EUROPEAN
CARS.
I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER.

CARS.
I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER.
HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY.

I'M NOT SOME KIND OF GAS DEALER.
HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY.
I REALLY NEED THE STUFF.

HEY, MAN, I GOT MONEY.
I REALLY NEED THE STUFF.
PLEASE.

I REALLY NEED THE STUFF.
PLEASE.
YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH?

PLEASE.
YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH?
YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS.

YOU SAY YOU KNOW PABLO, EH?
YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.

YEAH, WE ARE BROTHERS.
ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE DEAL.
LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS.
HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE

LIKE I SAID, I DON'T SELL GAS.
HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE
A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT

HOWEVER, SOMETIMES I DO PROVIDE
A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT
CUSTOMERS.

A SERVICE FOR A FEW SELECT
CUSTOMERS.
HOW MUCH?

CUSTOMERS.
HOW MUCH?
FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET.

HOW MUCH?
FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET.
FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET?

FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET.
FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET?
IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO.

FIVE BUCKS A BUCKET?
IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO.
WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO,

IT'S FOUR IN THE BARRIO.
WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO,
ZORRO.

WELL, THIS ISN'T THE BARRIO,
ZORRO.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST

ZORRO.
IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST
FORGET IT.

IF YOU DON'T LIKE IT, JUST
FORGET IT.
GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL

FORGET IT.
GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL
YOU SOME BLUBBER.

GO AND FIND AN ESKIMO TO SELL
YOU SOME BLUBBER.
NO, WAIT, WAIT.

YOU SOME BLUBBER.
NO, WAIT, WAIT.
UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A

NO, WAIT, WAIT.
UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A
TASTE?

UH, CAN I SEE IT, MAYBE GET A
TASTE?
SORRY, NO TASTES.

TASTE?
SORRY, NO TASTES.
BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT.

SORRY, NO TASTES.
BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT.
HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD?

BUT YOU CAN LOOK AT IT.
HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD?
GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

HEY, IS THIS STUFF GOOD?
GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL

GOOD? GOOD? WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL
DUTCH?

HAVE YOU EVER HEARD OF ROYAL
DUTCH?
REALLY GOOD, HUH.

DUTCH?
REALLY GOOD, HUH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

REALLY GOOD, HUH.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S FIVE BUCKS.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S FIVE BUCKS.
FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND

HERE'S FIVE BUCKS.
FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND
FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT.

FINE. NOW GET OUT OF HERE AND
FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.

FORGET WHERE YOU GOT IT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD?

WAIT A MINUTE.
COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD?
ARE YOU KIDDING?

COULD YOU WIPE MY WINDSHIELD?
ARE YOU KIDDING?
COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE

ARE YOU KIDDING?
COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE
PRESSURE?

COULD YOU CHECK MY TIRE
PRESSURE?
GET LOST.

PRESSURE?
GET LOST.
CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE

GET LOST.
CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE
WASHROOM?

CAN I HAVE THE KEY TO THE
WASHROOM?
DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE,

WASHROOM?
DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE,
DROP DEAD.

DROP DEAD, GET OUT OF HERE,
DROP DEAD.
YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT.

DROP DEAD.
YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT.
GO ON, DROP DEAD, GO ON.

YOU'LL BE WANTING A MAP NEXT.
GO ON, DROP DEAD, GO ON.
HEY!

DADDY, DID THE... DID THE
DOORBELL JUST RING?
NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX.

DOORBELL JUST RING?
NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE

NO, PUMPKIN, RELAX.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE
ARRIVES.

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN YOUR DATE
ARRIVES.
WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY?

ARRIVES.
WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY?
OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET

WHO IS THIS BOY, ANYWAY?
OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET
AT SCHOOL.

OH, HE'S JUST SOME BOY I MET
AT SCHOOL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

AT SCHOOL.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
IS HE A NICE BOY?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
IS HE A NICE BOY?
DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE

IS HE A NICE BOY?
DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE
BOY.

DADDY, OF COURSE HE'S A NICE
BOY.
I'LL GET IT.

BOY.
I'LL GET IT.
HI, CARLOS.

I'LL GET IT.
HI, CARLOS.
HI, SUSIE.

HI, CARLOS.
HI, SUSIE.
I'M SORRY I LATE.

HI, SUSIE.
I'M SORRY I LATE.
I RAN OUT OF GAS.

I'M SORRY I LATE.
I RAN OUT OF GAS.
I KNOW.

I RAN OUT OF GAS.
I KNOW.
CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER.

I KNOW.
CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER.
DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS.

CARLOS, THIS IS MY FATHER.
DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY

DADDY, THIS IS CARLOS.
WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY
CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU?

WELL, YOU'RE NOT VERY
CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU?
NO, NOT TOO MUCH.

CAUCASIAN, ARE YOU?
NO, NOT TOO MUCH.
YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG,

NO, NOT TOO MUCH.
YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG,
DO YOU?

YOU DON'T BELONG TO A GANG,
DO YOU?
NO, DADDY.

DO YOU?
NO, DADDY.
CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB.

NO, DADDY.
CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB.
MM-HMM.

CARLOS BELONGS TO A CLUB.
MM-HMM.
WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M

MM-HMM.
WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,

WELL, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I'M
GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,
WORK ON MY BOAT.

GONNA GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT,
WORK ON MY BOAT.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

WORK ON MY BOAT.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
MM-HMM.

NICE TO MEET YOU.
MM-HMM.
YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO

MM-HMM.
YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO
STEAL HIS HUBCAPS.

YOUR FATHER THINKS I'M GOING TO
STEAL HIS HUBCAPS.
OH, HE'S OKAY.

STEAL HIS HUBCAPS.
OH, HE'S OKAY.
CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A

OH, HE'S OKAY.
CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A
GANG, DO YOU?

CARLOS, YOU DON'T BELONG TO A
GANG, DO YOU?
IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB.

GANG, DO YOU?
IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB.
LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO.

IT'S NOT A GANG. IT'S A CLUB.
LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO.
AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE

LISTEN, SUSIE, I'M A CHICANO.
AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE
PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN

AND TO BE A CHICANO MEANS TO BE
PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN
THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL

PROUD AND TO DRIVE UP AND DOWN
THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL
NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE

THE BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL
NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE
GROUND.

NIGHT IN BIG CARS LOW TO THE
GROUND.
NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU,

GROUND.
NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU,
AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT,

NOW, THAT'S THE WAY I TOLD YOU,
AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT,
THAT'S THE END OF IT.

AND IF YOU DON'T ACCEPT IT,
THAT'S THE END OF IT.
OH, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S THE END OF IT.
OH, NO, NO, NO.
I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY

OH, NO, NO, NO.
I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY
MUCH.

I... CARLOS, I CARE FOR YOU VERY
MUCH.
WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND

MUCH.
WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND
DOWN ON CARES.

WELL, I CAN'T DRIVE UP AND
DOWN ON CARES.
I NEED GAS!

DOWN ON CARES.
I NEED GAS!
IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP

I NEED GAS!
IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP
ME.

IF YOU CARED FOR ME, YOU'D HELP
ME.
WHAT CAN I DO?

ME.
WHAT CAN I DO?
YOU SEE THIS HOSE?

WHAT CAN I DO?
YOU SEE THIS HOSE?
YEAH.

YOU SEE THIS HOSE?
YEAH.
WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR

YEAH.
WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR
FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END

WELL, THIS END GOES IN YOUR
FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END
GOES IN YOUR MOUTH.

FATHER'S GAS TANK, AND THIS END
GOES IN YOUR MOUTH.
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.

GOES IN YOUR MOUTH.
I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
I-I DON'T KNOW.

I'VE NEVER DONE THAT.
I-I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S EASY.

I-I DON'T KNOW.
IT'S EASY.
IT'S EASY.

IT'S EASY.
IT'S EASY.
YOU JUST SUCK ON IT.

IT'S EASY.
YOU JUST SUCK ON IT.
WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK?

YOU JUST SUCK ON IT.
WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK?
STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO

WON'T IT MAKE ME SICK?
STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SWALLOW IT.

STUPID, YOU DON'T HAVE TO
SWALLOW IT.
I DON'T KNOW.

SWALLOW IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE

I DON'T KNOW.
YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE
IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN

YOU JUST SPIT IT OUT ONCE
IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN
MY GAS TANK.

IT'S FLOWING AND PUT THIS END IN
MY GAS TANK.
OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS.

MY GAS TANK.
OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS.
IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO?

OH, I DON'T THINK SO, CARLOS.
IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO?
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

IS IT BECAUSE I'M A CHICANO?
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
WELL?

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
WELL?
ALL RIGHT.

WELL?
ALL RIGHT.
OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE

ALL RIGHT.
OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE
ALL RIGHT.

OH, SUSIE, I KNEW YOU WERE
ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.

ALL RIGHT.
LET'S GO.
YOU SIPHON, I'LL STEAL THE

LET'S GO.
YOU SIPHON, I'LL STEAL THE
HUBCAPS.

[DOOR CLOSES]
EXCUSE ME, KIDS.
I FORGOT MY PIPE.

EXCUSE ME, KIDS.
I FORGOT MY PIPE.
WHERE DID THEY GO?

I FORGOT MY PIPE.
WHERE DID THEY GO?
SUSIE!

WHERE DID THEY GO?
SUSIE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

SUSIE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR
MOUTH!

GET THAT THING OUT OF YOUR
MOUTH!
EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN!

MOUTH!
EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN!
[Spanish accept] I WAS SO

EDITH, I'M GETTING MY GUN!
[Spanish accept] I WAS SO
SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU

[Spanish accept] I WAS SO
SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU
CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO

SURPRISED AND EXCITED THAT YOU
CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO
FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A

CHOSE US AS THE TYPICAL CHICANO
FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A
NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES.

FAMILY THAT YOU WOULD SPEND A
NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES.
I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN

NIGHT WITH HERE IN LOS ANGELES.
I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN
DINNER WAS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU.

I HOPE THE TYPICAL MEXICAN
DINNER WAS ALL RIGHT FOR YOU.
[TOILET FLUSHES]

IT WAS FINE, JUST FINE.
UM, BY THE WAY, WHICH IS
CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR

UM, BY THE WAY, WHICH IS
CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR
MOCTEZUMA?

CORRECT... IS IT MONTEZUMA OR
MOCTEZUMA?
OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA.

MOCTEZUMA?
OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA.
REVENGE OR VENGEANCE?

OH, IT'S MONTEZUMA.
REVENGE OR VENGEANCE?
OH, IT'S REVENGE.

REVENGE OR VENGEANCE?
OH, IT'S REVENGE.
HEY.

OH, IT'S REVENGE.
HEY.
OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS,

HEY.
OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS,
AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO.

OH, THIS IS MY SON, CARLOS,
AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO.
CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?!

AND HIS FRIEND, PABLO.
CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?!
HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ.

CARLOS, WHAT'S THE MATTER?!
HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ.
HE'S HURT BAD!

HE'S HURT, MRS. ALVAREZ.
HE'S HURT BAD!
SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH.

HE'S HURT BAD!
SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.

SET HIM HERE ON THE COUCH.
LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK.
THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT.
AY, MI CHICOLITO!

THIS BOY'S BEEN SHOT.
AY, MI CHICOLITO!
[PANTING]

AY, MI CHICOLITO!
[PANTING]
CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA.

[PANTING]
CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA.
BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET

CALM YOURSELF, SEÑORA.
BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET
INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS.

BOIL SOME WATER AND TEAR A SHEET
INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS.
NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO

INTO SOME CLEAN STRIPS.
NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO
TELL ME THE TRUTH.

NOW, YOUNG MAN, I WANT YOU TO
TELL ME THE TRUTH.
ARE YOU IN A GANG?

TELL ME THE TRUTH.
ARE YOU IN A GANG?
Both: IT'S NOT A GANG!

ARE YOU IN A GANG?
Both: IT'S NOT A GANG!
IT'S A CLUB!

Both: IT'S NOT A GANG!
IT'S A CLUB!
AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF

IT'S A CLUB!
AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF
SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF?

AND IS THIS THE RESULT OF
SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF?
NO, MAN.

SOME DISPUTE OVER TURF?
NO, MAN.
YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN.

NO, MAN.
YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS

YOU GOT IT ALL WRONG, MAN.
IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS
SHORTAGE.

IT'S BECAUSE OF THE GAS
SHORTAGE.
HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.

SHORTAGE.
HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS?

HEY, YOU'RE THE PRESIDENT.
HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS?
WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS.

HOW COME WE GOT NO GAS?
WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS.
THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL

WELL, PABLO, IT'S LIKE THIS.
THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL
COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING

THERE'S A GANG CALLED THE OIL
COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING
THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE

COMPANIES, WHO ARE CHALLENGING
THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE
ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT

THE AUTHORITY OF MY GANG, THE
ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT
OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS.

ADMINISTRATION OF THE GOVERNMENT
OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS.
AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,

OF THE ESTADOS UNIDOS.
AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,
WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE

AND HERE IN SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA,
WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE
MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE

WHERE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE
MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE
HAS TO USE A CAR.

MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM, EVERYONE
HAS TO USE A CAR.
YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE

HAS TO USE A CAR.
YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE
CRUNCH.

YOU'RE THE FIRST TO FEEL THE
CRUNCH.
THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE

CRUNCH.
THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE
CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL

THAT'S WHY I'VE COME HERE ON THE
CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL
MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR

CINCO DE MAYO, THE TRADITIONAL
MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR
ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY

MEXICAN HOLIDAY FOR
ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY
CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO

ANGLO POLITICIANS, TO ASK ALL MY
CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO
SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN

CHICANO BROTHERS AND SISTERS TO
SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN
1980.

SUPPORT ME AND VOTE FOR ME IN
1980.
I DON'T KNOW.

1980.
I DON'T KNOW.
WILL HE BE ALL RIGHT?

WILL HE BE ALL RIGHT?
[GROANS]

[GROANS]
[BULLET CLINKS]

[BULLET CLINKS]
HE'LL BE FINE, MA'AM.
WOW.

HE'LL BE FINE, MA'AM.
WOW.
NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER

WOW.
NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER
TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING

NOW, CARLOS, YOUR MOTHER
TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING
SCHOOL ANYMORE.

TELLS ME YOU'RE NOT ATTENDING
SCHOOL ANYMORE.
SCHOOL!

SCHOOL ANYMORE.
SCHOOL!
WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?!

SCHOOL!
WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?!
ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT...

WHO NEEDS IT, MAN?!
ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT...
AND CHAT.

ALL THEY TEACH YOU IS CHIT...
AND CHAT.
YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT?

AND CHAT.
YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT?
I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD.

YOU SEE, MR. PRESIDENT?
I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD.
IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT.

I'LL GO WARM UP SOME MORE FOOD.
IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT.
I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY

IT'S TRUE, MR. PRESIDENT.
I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY
SO I CAN BUY GAS.

I NEED TO GET OUT AND MAKE MONEY
SO I CAN BUY GAS.
I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A

SO I CAN BUY GAS.
I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A
CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND

I'M A CHICANO, AND TO BE A
CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND
DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD

CHICANO MEANS TO BE PROUD AND
DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG

DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE BOULEVARD
ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG
CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.

ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT IN BIG
CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.
HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO

CARS LOW TO THE GROUND.
HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO
GAS?

HOW CAN I RIDE PROUD WITH NO
GAS?
IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE

GAS?
IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE
TANK OF MY RIVIERA!

IT TAKES 80 GALLONS TO FILL THE
TANK OF MY RIVIERA!
YEAH!

TANK OF MY RIVIERA!
YEAH!
AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN.

YEAH!
AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN.
WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY

AND THAT'S ANOTHER THING, MAN.
WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY
DETROIT, MAN.

WE'VE BEEN RIPPED OFF BY
DETROIT, MAN.
IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS

DETROIT, MAN.
IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS
COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT

IF WE KNEW THIS GAS CRUNCH WAS
COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT
INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD

COMING, WE WOULD HAVE GOT
INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD
OF BIG CARS.

INTO... INTO MOTORCYCLES INSTEAD
OF BIG CARS.
YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A

OF BIG CARS.
YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A
MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB.

YOU KNOW, WE WOULD HAVE HAD A
MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB.
UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A

MOTORCYCLE GANG... I MEAN CLUB.
UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A
GALLON.

UH, YOU KNOW, GOT 30 MILES A
GALLON.
HMM.

GALLON.
HMM.
I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.

HMM.
I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.
SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE

I THINK I GOT AN IDEA.
SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE
MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE

SINCE THERE'S NO ADEQUATE
MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE
YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE

MASS-TRANSIT SYSTEM AND SINCE
YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE
BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT

YOU DRIVE UP AND DOWN THE
BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A

BOULEVARD ALL DAY AND ALL NIGHT
ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A
KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND

ANYWAY, WHY DON'T YOU START A
KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND
OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE?

KIND OF A LIVERY SERVICE, KIND
OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE?
HEY, YEAH.

OF A BOULEVARD BUS SERVICE?
HEY, YEAH.
WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE

HEY, YEAH.
WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE
COMMUNITY, AS WELL.

WE COULD MAKE MONEY AND HELP THE
COMMUNITY, AS WELL.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.

COMMUNITY, AS WELL.
THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME

THAT'S THE SPIRIT.
AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME
S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP,

AND THERE MIGHT EVEN BE SOME
S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP,
CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES.

S.B.A. MONEY AVAILABLE TO CHOP,
CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN!

CHANNEL, AND LOWER BUSES.
HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN!
HEY, WE COULD DO THAT.

HEY, THAT'S GREAT, MAN!
HEY, WE COULD DO THAT.
ESE!

HEY, WE COULD DO THAT.
ESE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS,

ESE!
ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS,
YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.

ALL RIGHT, YOU LOUSY PUNKS,
YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER?

YOU'RE GOING DOWNTOWN.
WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER?
WHA...

WHAT'S THE TROUBLE, OFFICER?
WHA...
JIMMY CARTER?

WHA...
JIMMY CARTER?
THAT'S RIGHT.

JIMMY CARTER?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS.

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS.
WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT,

AND THESE ARE MY BROTHERS.
WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT,
THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG.

WELL, UH, MR. PRESIDENT,
THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG.
Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG!

THESE, UH, BOYS ARE IN A GANG.
Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG!
IT'S A BUS COMPANY!

Both: HEY, IT'S NOT A GANG!
IT'S A BUS COMPANY!
ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT

IT'S A BUS COMPANY!
ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT
WHILE STEALING GAS.

ANYWAY, THIS ONE WAS SHOT
WHILE STEALING GAS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM

WHILE STEALING GAS.
YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM
TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU?

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO LET THEM
TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU?
I'M SORRY, SEÑORA.

TAKE CARLOS, ARE YOU?
I'M SORRY, SEÑORA.
NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW.

I'M SORRY, SEÑORA.
NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW.
IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING

NO ONE IS ABOVE THE LAW.
IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING
MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO

IF MY OWN SON WAS SMOKING
MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO
JAIL, TOO.

MARIJUANA, HE'D HAVE TO GO TO
JAIL, TOO.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY

JAIL, TOO.
I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY
BROTHER.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY
BROTHER.
I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER

BROTHER.
I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER
AWAY FOR A WHILE.

I HAD TO SEND MY OWN BROTHER
AWAY FOR A WHILE.
DON'T WORRY.

AWAY FOR A WHILE.
DON'T WORRY.
I WOULDN'T WORRY.

DON'T WORRY.
I WOULDN'T WORRY.
L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS

I WOULDN'T WORRY.
L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS
TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT.

L.A. IS STILL GONNA NEED MASS
TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT.
WELL...

TRANSIT WHEN YOU GET OUT.
WELL...
HASTA LUEGO.

WELL...
HASTA LUEGO.
CARLOS!

HASTA LUEGO.
CARLOS!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.

CARLOS!
IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE

IT'S ALL RIGHT, MA'AM.
I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE
BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE.

I'LL SEE IT PERSONALLY THAT THE
BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE.
NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF

BOY GETS A FAIR SHAKE.
NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF
THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS?

NOW, HOW ABOUT SOME MORE OF
THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS?
DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME?

THOSE DELICIOUS TAQUITOS?
DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT.

DID YOU REALLY WANT SOME?
I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT.
BUT FIRST I GOT TO GO TO THE

I THOUGHT THEY WERE GREAT.
BUT FIRST I GOT TO GO TO THE
LITTLE MUCHACHOS' ROOM AGAIN.

Psst, HEY, KIDS.
IT'S ME, MR. BILL.
YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME

IT'S ME, MR. BILL.
YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME
'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO

YOU MAY NOT RECOGNIZE ME
'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO
SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US.

'CAUSE I'M TRAVELING INCOGNITO
SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US.
YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT

SO MR. HANDS CAN'T FIND US.
YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT
AREN'T TOO SAFE AROUND HIM

YOU KNOW, I FIGURED ME AND SPOT
AREN'T TOO SAFE AROUND HIM
ANYMORE.

SO, KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

HAVE FUN TODAY, 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL

GONNA RUN AWAY FROM HOME!

YAY!

OH, BOY, AND HERE COMES A CAR!
MAYBE WE CAN HITCH A RIDE!
YAY! YAY!

MAYBE WE CAN HITCH A RIDE!
YAY! YAY!
OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING!

YAY! YAY!
OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING!
YAY!

OH, BOY! THANKS FOR STOPPING!
YAY!
[COUGHS]

YAY!
[COUGHS]
STOP.

[COUGHS]
STOP.
SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU?

STOP.
SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU?
NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME.

SAY, MR. BILL, IS THAT YOU?
NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME.
OH, IT IS YOU!

NO, UH, NO, IT'S NOT ME.
OH, IT IS YOU!
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING

OH, IT IS YOU!
I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING
FOR YOU, MR. BILL.

I'VE BEEN WORRIED SICK LOOKING
FOR YOU, MR. BILL.
I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO

FOR YOU, MR. BILL.
I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO
MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US.

I HOPE THERE'S BEEN NO
MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US

MISUNDERSTANDING BETWEEN US.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US
ANYMORE.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU LIKED US
ANYMORE.
OH, COME ON.

ANYMORE.
OH, COME ON.
LET'S SHAKE HANDS.

OH, COME ON.
LET'S SHAKE HANDS.
OH, NO!

LET'S SHAKE HANDS.
OH, NO!
AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES

OH, NO!
AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES
AGAIN.

AND IT'LL BE LIKE OLD TIMES
AGAIN.
OH, WHY? WHY?

AGAIN.
OH, WHY? WHY?
NOW, COME ON.

OH, WHY? WHY?
NOW, COME ON.
LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND

NOW, COME ON.
LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND
I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.

LET'S HOP UP IN THE CAR, AND
I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.
OH, OKAY.

I'LL GIVE YOU A RIDE HOME.
OH, OKAY.
BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY.

OH, OKAY.
BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY.
SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE

BUT PLEASE DRIVE CAREFULLY.
SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE
UP FOR SAFETY.

SURE, BUT FIRST, LET'S BUCKLE
UP FOR SAFETY.
OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT.

UP FOR SAFETY.
OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT.
NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT!

OKAY, BUT NOT TOO TIGHT.
NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT!
OH!

NO, THAT'S TOO TIGHT!
OH!
OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH?

OH!
OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH?
NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER.

OH, LET ME TAKE A CAB HOME, HUH?
NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER.
UH, NO, WAIT.

NO. I'M A GOOD DRIVER.
UH, NO, WAIT.
BUT WE FORGOT SPOT.

UH, NO, WAIT.
BUT WE FORGOT SPOT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT WE FORGOT SPOT.
OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GO PICK HIM UP.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT.
LET'S GO PICK HIM UP.
OH!

LET'S GO PICK HIM UP.
OH!
MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL.

OH!
MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL.
OH, POOR SPOT!

MAKE SURE HE SITS STILL.
OH, POOR SPOT!
NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D

OH, POOR SPOT!
NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D
BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T

NEVER MIND 'CAUSE WE'D
BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T
GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.

BETTER STEP ON IT SO WE DON'T
GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.
ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE

GET CAUGHT IN RUSH-HOUR TRAFFIC.
ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE
TOO FAST, MR. HANDS.

ALL RIGHT, BUT DON'T DRIVE
TOO FAST, MR. HANDS.
OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER!

TOO FAST, MR. HANDS.
OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER!
LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE.

OH, LOOK. A HITCHHIKER!
LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE.
IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN

LET'S GIVE HIM A RIDE.
IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN
NEED.

IT'S GOOD TO HELP OUT PEOPLE IN
NEED.
OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN

NEED.
OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!

OH, BUT HE'S GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!
DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL.

TO ME!
DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL.
WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE

DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL.
WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE
BACKSEAT.

WE'LL MAKE SLUGGO SIT IN THE
BACKSEAT.
NO, WAIT. NO.

BACKSEAT.
NO, WAIT. NO.
[GROANS]

NO, WAIT. NO.
[GROANS]
UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS,

[GROANS]
UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS,
THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY

UH, UH, UH, SAY, MR. HANDS,
THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY
HOME.

THIS DOESN'T LOOK LIKE THE WAY
HOME.
OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A

HOME.
OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A
SHORTCUT.

OH, I DECIDED TO TAKE A
SHORTCUT.
YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME.

SHORTCUT.
YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME.
OH, NO, WAIT.

YOU'LL BE HOME IN NO TIME.
OH, NO, WAIT.
THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO

OH, NO, WAIT.
THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO
DANGEROUS!

THESE MOUNTAIN ROADS ARE TOO
DANGEROUS!
SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL.

DANGEROUS!
SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL.
MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES.

SAY, THAT'S RIGHT, MR. BILL.
MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES.
HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE

MAYBE I BETTER CHECK THE TIRES.
HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE
WHEEL FOR A SECOND?

HERE, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE THE
WHEEL FOR A SECOND?
NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T

WHEEL FOR A SECOND?
NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
DRIVE!

NO, NO, BUT YOU KNOW I CAN'T
DRIVE!
I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE!

DRIVE!
I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE!
NO!

I DON'T EVEN HAVE MY LICENSE!
NO!
MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE

NO!
MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL!

MAKE SURE YOU KEEP YOUR EYE
ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL!
NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!

ON THE ROAD, MR. BILL!
NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!
OH, NO!

NO! NO, DON'T LEAVE ME!
OH, NO!
OH!

OH, NO!
OH!
OH!

OH!
OH!
SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN

OH!
SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN
MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.

SEE YOU NEXT TIME WHEN
MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
BYE-BYE!

MR. BILL GOES TO THE HOSPITAL.
BYE-BYE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE

BYE-BYE!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE
AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE
AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AGAIN, JAMES TAYLOR.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "MILLWORKER" PLAYS]

♪ NOW, MY GRANDFATHER WAS A
SAILOR ♪
♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪

SAILOR ♪
♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪
♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪

♪ HE BLEW IN OFF THE WATER ♪
♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪
♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪

♪ MY FATHER WAS A FARMER ♪
♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪
♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD

♪ AND I, HIS ONLY DAUGHTER ♪
♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD
MILLWORKING MAN FROM

♪ TOOK UP WITH A NO-GOOD
MILLWORKING MAN FROM
MASSACHUSETTS ♪

MILLWORKING MAN FROM
MASSACHUSETTS ♪
♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY

MASSACHUSETTS ♪
♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY
AND LEAVES ME THESE THREE FACES

♪ WHO DIES FROM TOO MUCH WHISKEY
AND LEAVES ME THESE THREE FACES
TO FEED ♪

♪ MILLWORK AIN'T EASY ♪
♪ MILLWORK AIN'T HARD ♪
♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT

♪ MILLWORK AIN'T HARD ♪
♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT
AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪

♪ MILLWORK, IT AIN'T NOTHING BUT
AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪
♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE

AN AWFUL BORING JOB ♪
♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE
ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪

♪ LOOKING FOR A DAYDREAM TO TAKE
ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪
♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK

ME THROUGH THE MORNING ♪
♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK
WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪

♪ AND PUT ME IN MY COFFEE BREAK
WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪
♪ AND REMEMBER ♪

WHERE I CAN HAVE A SANDWICH ♪
♪ AND REMEMBER ♪
♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE

♪ AND REMEMBER ♪
♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE
FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪

♪ THEN IT'S ME AND MY MACHINE
FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪
♪ REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ♪

FOR THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪
♪ REST OF THE AFTERNOON GONE ♪
♪ AND THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ MY MIND BEGINS TO WANDER TO
THE DAYS BACK ON THE FARM ♪
♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT

THE DAYS BACK ON THE FARM ♪
♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT
ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪

♪ I CAN SEE MY FATHER SMILING AT
ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪
♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S

ME SWINGING ON HIS ARM ♪
♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S
STORIES ♪

♪ I CAN HEAR MY GRANDDAD'S
STORIES ♪
♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON

STORIES ♪
♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON
LAKE ERIE ♪

♪ OF THE STORMS OUT ON
LAKE ERIE ♪
♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND

LAKE ERIE ♪
♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND
FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES

♪ WHERE VESSELS AND CARGOS AND
FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES
WERE LOST ♪

FORTUNES AND SAILORS' LIVES
WERE LOST ♪
♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS

WERE LOST ♪
♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS
BEEN WASTED ♪

♪ YEAH, BUT IT'S MY LIFE HAS
BEEN WASTED ♪
♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪

BEEN WASTED ♪
♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪
♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE

♪ AND I HAVE BEEN THE FOOL ♪
♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE
MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪

♪ TO LET THIS MANUFACTURER USE
MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪
♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING

MY BODY FOR A TOOL ♪
♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING
STARING AT MY HANDS ♪

♪ I CAN RIDE HOME IN THE EVENING
STARING AT MY HANDS ♪
♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A

STARING AT MY HANDS ♪
♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A
YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A

♪ SWEARING TO MY SORROW THAT A
YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A
BETTER CHANCE ♪

YOUNG GIRL OUGHT TO STAND A
BETTER CHANCE ♪
♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST

BETTER CHANCE ♪
♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST
AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪

♪ SO, MAY I WORK THE MILLS JUST
AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪
♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE

AS LONG AS I AM ABLE ♪
♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE
NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪

♪ AND NEVER MEET THE MAN WHOSE
NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪
♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR

NAME IS ON THE LABEL ♪
♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR
THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪

♪ IT IS ME AND MY MACHINE FOR
THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪
♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON

THE REST OF THE MORNING ♪
♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON
GONE ON ♪

♪ AND THE REST OF THE AFTERNOON
GONE ON ♪
♪ TO AND THE REST OF MY LIFE ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SO, MOM, I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY
THAT THIS IS SORT OF A DOUBLE
OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M

THAT THIS IS SORT OF A DOUBLE
OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M
TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY

OCCASION TONIGHT, 'CAUSE I'M
TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY
AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE

TAKING YOU OUT FOR MOTHER'S DAY
AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE
RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO

AND WE'RE ALSO CELEBRATING THE
RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO
GOTHAM.

RETURN OF "THE TOMORROW SHOW" TO
GOTHAM.
WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO

GOTHAM.
WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO
BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY.

WELL, BY GOLLY, I'M HAPPY TO
BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY.
WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU,

BE HERE, TOO, TOMMY.
WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU,
BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER

WELL, LET ME SAY THIS TO YOU,
BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER
IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S

BEARING IN MIND THAT A MOTHER
IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S
BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST

IS, AS WELL AS BEING HER SON'S
BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST
CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.

BIGGEST FAN ALSO HIS HARSHEST
CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.
WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN,

CRITIC, YOU LOOK LIKE HELL.
WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN,
MOM.

WELL, DON'T BRING ME DOWN,
MOM.
I BROUGHT YOU UP.

MOM.
I BROUGHT YOU UP.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN?

I BROUGHT YOU UP.
WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN?
[LAUGHS DEEPLY]

WHY SHOULDN'T I BRING YOU DOWN?
[LAUGHS DEEPLY]
IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON,

[LAUGHS DEEPLY]
IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON,
YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO

IF YOU'LL JUST HEAR ME OUT, SON,
YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO
ILLUSTRATE A POINT.

YOU'LL FIND I'M USING HUMOR TO
ILLUSTRATE A POINT.
THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING

ILLUSTRATE A POINT.
THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING
"THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST

THE FACT IS, TOM, YOU'RE DOING
"THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST
TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED

"THE TOMORROW SHOW," YOU'VE JUST
TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED
"PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK

TAKEN ON A NEW SHOW CALLED
"PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK
ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS.

"PRIMETIME," AND THERE'S TALK
ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS.
SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU,

ABOUT YOU ANCHORING THE NEWS.
SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU,
SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU

SO, MY QUESTION, THEN, TO YOU,
SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU
SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN

SON, IS, WHY THE HECK DON'T YOU
SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN
YOURSELF UP?

SLOW DOWN BEFORE YOU BURN
YOURSELF UP?
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.

YOURSELF UP?
ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU'RE MY MOTHER.

ALL RIGHT, FAIR ENOUGH.
YOU'RE MY MOTHER.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES

YOU'RE MY MOTHER.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES
TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT MAKES
TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV
IS MY HOME.

TOMMY RUN... WORK IS MY LIFE, TV
IS MY HOME.
I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS,

IS MY HOME.
I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS,
ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND

I ENJOY TALKING TO STRANGERS,
ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND
RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT

ASKING INANE QUESTIONS, AND
RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT
OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00

RAMBLING INCOHERENTLY IN FRONT
OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00
IN THE MORNING.

OF MILLIONS OF VIEWERS AT 1:00
IN THE MORNING.
ALL RIGHT, TOM.

IN THE MORNING.
ALL RIGHT, TOM.
FAIR ENOUGH.

ALL RIGHT, TOM.
FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE

FAIR ENOUGH.
BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE
TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON.

BUT IT'S A MOTHER'S PREROGATIVE
TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON.
MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY

TO BE CONCERNED FOR HER SON.
MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY
BEST GAL.

MOM, YOU'VE ALWAYS BEEN MY
BEST GAL.
IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE

BEST GAL.
IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE
PROBLEM WITH.

IT WAS DAD I ALWAYS HAD THE
PROBLEM WITH.
I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT

PROBLEM WITH.
I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT
ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US.

I WAS AFRAID HE KNEW HOW I FELT
ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US.
BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A

ABOUT YOU AND WAS JEALOUS OF US.
BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A
NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID

BY GOD, I'D LIKE TO HAVE A
NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID
AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D

NICKEL FOR EVERY NIGHT I LAID
AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D
COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING

AWAKE IN MY BED FOR FEAR HE'D
COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING
OFF.

COME IN AND SNIP THE DARN THING
OFF.
[LAUGHS]

OFF.
[LAUGHS]
AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR

[LAUGHS]
AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR
EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM.

AND I WISH I HAD A NICKEL FOR
EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM.
WELL, THANK YOU, MOM.

EVERY TIME I STOPPED HIM.
WELL, THANK YOU, MOM.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.

WELL, THANK YOU, MOM.
I'M GLAD YOU DID.
AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR

I'M GLAD YOU DID.
AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR
BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU

AND TO SHOW MY APPRECIATION FOR
BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU
ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS

BEING THE WONDERFUL MOM THAT YOU
ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS
MOTHER'S DAY GIFT.

ARE, I'D LIKE TO GIVE YOU THIS
MOTHER'S DAY GIFT.
WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY.

MOTHER'S DAY GIFT.
WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY.
WHAT IS IT?

WELL, THANK YOU, TOMMY.
WHAT IS IT?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.

WHAT IS IT?
I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW.

I'LL GIVE YOU A HINT.
IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW.
CHARLIE?

IT'S KIND OF FREE, KIND OF WOW.
CHARLIE?
CHARLIE. HA.

CHARLIE?
CHARLIE. HA.
OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T

CHARLIE. HA.
OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE.

OH, OH, TOMMY, YOU SHOULDN'T
HAVE.
WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE

HAVE.
WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE
I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU,

WELL, MOM, I DID IT BECAUSE
I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU,
I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I...

I'M FOND OF YOU, I RESPECT YOU,
I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I...
WELL...

I ADMIRE YOU, AND I-I...
WELL...
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

WELL...
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE
YOU, MOM.

WHAT THE HECK, MOM... I LOVE
YOU, MOM.
THERE, I SAID IT.

YOU, MOM.
THERE, I SAID IT.
I MEANT IT.

THERE, I SAID IT.
I MEANT IT.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.

I MEANT IT.
HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY.
THANKS, TOMMY.

[BAND PLAYS]

THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT.

THANK YOU.

GOOD NIGHT! GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, ALL!

THANKS!

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

MAUREEN STAPLETON WITH MUSICAL

GUEST LINDA RONSTADT AND

PHOEBE SNOW.

FOR MOTHER'S DAY, THIS IS

DON PARDO SAYING, "GOOD NIGHT,

MOM."