Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 16 - Richard Benjamin/Rickie Lee Jones - full transcript

PLACES, PLEASE.
30 SECONDS.
PLACES, PLEASE.

30 SECONDS.
PLACES, PLEASE.
[SIGHS]

PLACES, PLEASE.
[SIGHS]
HI, GARRETT. HI, LARAINE.

HI, JANE. HOW ARE YOU?
HI, DAN. FINE.
HOW'S PATRICK?

HI, DAN. FINE.
HOW'S PATRICK?
HE'S GOOD.

HOW'S PATRICK?
HE'S GOOD.
I HEAR JOHN'S STILL OUT IN

HE'S GOOD.
I HEAR JOHN'S STILL OUT IN
CALIFORNIA.

I HEAR JOHN'S STILL OUT IN
CALIFORNIA.
WHAT'S HE DOING... 8 TO 10 FOR

CALIFORNIA.
WHAT'S HE DOING... 8 TO 10 FOR
POSSESSION?

WHAT'S HE DOING... 8 TO 10 FOR
POSSESSION?
NO, NO.

POSSESSION?
NO, NO.
HE'S REALLY QUITE SICK.



NO, NO.
HE'S REALLY QUITE SICK.
HE HAS A BAD EAR INFECTION.

HE'S REALLY QUITE SICK.
HE HAS A BAD EAR INFECTION.
HE CAN'T GO UP IN AN AIRPLANE.

HE HAS A BAD EAR INFECTION.
HE CAN'T GO UP IN AN AIRPLANE.
LIKE, HE CAN'T LAND, OR HIS

HE CAN'T GO UP IN AN AIRPLANE.
LIKE, HE CAN'T LAND, OR HIS
EARDRUM WILL BURST.

LIKE, HE CAN'T LAND, OR HIS
EARDRUM WILL BURST.
OH, I SURE HOPE HE DIDN'T

EARDRUM WILL BURST.
OH, I SURE HOPE HE DIDN'T
CATCH IT LISTENING TO HIMSELF

OH, I SURE HOPE HE DIDN'T
CATCH IT LISTENING TO HIMSELF
SING.

CATCH IT LISTENING TO HIMSELF
SING.
I'LL SEE YOU, DAN.

SING.
I'LL SEE YOU, DAN.
SURE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. HEY, HEY.
YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
THAT'S JOHN BELUSHI'S LOCKER,

YOU CAN'T GO IN THERE.
THAT'S JOHN BELUSHI'S LOCKER,
PAL.

THAT'S JOHN BELUSHI'S LOCKER,
PAL.
GOOD.

PAL.
GOOD.
HEY, YOU IN CHARGE HERE?

GOOD.
HEY, YOU IN CHARGE HERE?
YOU GOT TO INITIAL THIS FOR ME.



HEY, YOU IN CHARGE HERE?
YOU GOT TO INITIAL THIS FOR ME.
WHAT IS THIS?

YOU GOT TO INITIAL THIS FOR ME.
WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S AN NBC PERSONNEL

WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S AN NBC PERSONNEL
SUBSTITUTION FORM 1266...

IT'S AN NBC PERSONNEL
SUBSTITUTION FORM 1266...
SPECIAL COMEDY JOB ORDER NUMBER.

SUBSTITUTION FORM 1266...
SPECIAL COMEDY JOB ORDER NUMBER.
WELL, WHAT DOES THAT...

SPECIAL COMEDY JOB ORDER NUMBER.
WELL, WHAT DOES THAT...
W-WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT...
W-WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
WELL, LOOK, THIS SHOW'S

W-WHAT DOES ALL THAT MEAN?
WELL, LOOK, THIS SHOW'S
ALLOCATED SEVEN PEOPLE, RIGHT?

WELL, LOOK, THIS SHOW'S
ALLOCATED SEVEN PEOPLE, RIGHT?
YOU'RE ONE SHORT, YOU GET ONE

ALLOCATED SEVEN PEOPLE, RIGHT?
YOU'RE ONE SHORT, YOU GET ONE
FROM THE POOL.

YOU'RE ONE SHORT, YOU GET ONE
FROM THE POOL.
WHAT POOL?

FROM THE POOL.
WHAT POOL?
WELL, THE NBC UTILITY POOL,

WHAT POOL?
WELL, THE NBC UTILITY POOL,
YOU SEE.

WELL, THE NBC UTILITY POOL,
YOU SEE.
WE'RE SUBS.

YOU SEE.
WE'RE SUBS.
WE FILL IN WHERE WE'RE NEEDED.

WE'RE SUBS.
WE FILL IN WHERE WE'RE NEEDED.
OH, COME ON.

WE FILL IN WHERE WE'RE NEEDED.
OH, COME ON.
THIS IS JOHN BELUSHI.

OH, COME ON.
THIS IS JOHN BELUSHI.
HE'S AN ACTOR.

THIS IS JOHN BELUSHI.
HE'S AN ACTOR.
HE'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS

HE'S AN ACTOR.
HE'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS
SHOW.

HE'S AN INTEGRAL PART OF THIS
SHOW.
I MEAN, WHAT QUALIFIES YOU?

SHOW.
I MEAN, WHAT QUALIFIES YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR EXPERIENCE?

I MEAN, WHAT QUALIFIES YOU?
WHAT'S YOUR EXPERIENCE?
WELL, YOU SEE, IN THE PAST

WHAT'S YOUR EXPERIENCE?
WELL, YOU SEE, IN THE PAST
MONTH, I WAS AN EMBOLISM ON

WELL, YOU SEE, IN THE PAST
MONTH, I WAS AN EMBOLISM ON
"THE DOCTORS," I PLAYED AN

MONTH, I WAS AN EMBOLISM ON
"THE DOCTORS," I PLAYED AN
OUTRAGED CONSUMER ON THE

"THE DOCTORS," I PLAYED AN
OUTRAGED CONSUMER ON THE
"NIGHTLY NEWS," AND I HOLD UP

OUTRAGED CONSUMER ON THE
"NIGHTLY NEWS," AND I HOLD UP
NBC BANNERS AT ALL THE SPORTING

"NIGHTLY NEWS," AND I HOLD UP
NBC BANNERS AT ALL THE SPORTING
EVENTS.

NBC BANNERS AT ALL THE SPORTING
EVENTS.
WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A

EVENTS.
WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A
LITTLE DIFFERENT, MY FRIEND.

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW, THIS IS A
LITTLE DIFFERENT, MY FRIEND.
SURE, SURE.

LITTLE DIFFERENT, MY FRIEND.
SURE, SURE.
[CHUCKLES]

SURE, SURE.
[CHUCKLES]
THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT.

[CHUCKLES]
THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT.
AH, YOU'RE STILL DOING BEES, EH?

THEY'RE ALL DIFFERENT.
AH, YOU'RE STILL DOING BEES, EH?
GOOD.

AH, YOU'RE STILL DOING BEES, EH?
GOOD.
WHAT'S NEXT?

GOOD.
WHAT'S NEXT?
WELL, I MEAN... THERE'S THE

WHAT'S NEXT?
WELL, I MEAN... THERE'S THE
SAMURAI.

WELL, I MEAN... THERE'S THE
SAMURAI.
YOU HAVE TO LOOK GOOD IN THIS

SAMURAI.
YOU HAVE TO LOOK GOOD IN THIS
OUTFIT, AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW

YOU HAVE TO LOOK GOOD IN THIS
OUTFIT, AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW
TO IMITATE JAPANESE.

OUTFIT, AND YOU HAVE TO KNOW HOW
TO IMITATE JAPANESE.
SAMURAI?

TO IMITATE JAPANESE.
SAMURAI?
[IMITATING JAPANESE]

SAMURAI?
[IMITATING JAPANESE]
I MEAN...

[IMITATING JAPANESE]
I MEAN...
AH...

I MEAN...
AH...
[IMITATING JAPANESE]

AH...
[IMITATING JAPANESE]
OKAY?

[IMITATING JAPANESE]
OKAY?
WHAT ELSE?

OKAY?
WHAT ELSE?
I GUESS SO.

WHAT ELSE?
I GUESS SO.
WELL, GEE, HE DOES THIS THING

I GUESS SO.
WELL, GEE, HE DOES THIS THING
WITH HIS EYEBROW WHERE HE RAISES

WELL, GEE, HE DOES THIS THING
WITH HIS EYEBROW WHERE HE RAISES
ONE EYEBROW.

WITH HIS EYEBROW WHERE HE RAISES
ONE EYEBROW.
I CAN'T QUITE DO IT, BUT IT'S

ONE EYEBROW.
I CAN'T QUITE DO IT, BUT IT'S
LIKE...

I CAN'T QUITE DO IT, BUT IT'S
LIKE...
"BUT N-O-O-O-O!"

LIKE...
"BUT N-O-O-O-O!"
YOU KNOW.

"BUT N-O-O-O-O!"
YOU KNOW.
"BUT NO."

YOU KNOW.
"BUT NO."
OH, NO, NO.

"BUT NO."
OH, NO, NO.
HE'S GOT A CERTAIN ENERGY, A

OH, NO, NO.
HE'S GOT A CERTAIN ENERGY, A
FLAIR.

HE'S GOT A CERTAIN ENERGY, A
FLAIR.
IT'S LIKE, "BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"

FLAIR.
IT'S LIKE, "BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"
"BUT NO-OH-OH-HO-HO!"

IT'S LIKE, "BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"
"BUT NO-OH-OH-HO-HO!"
NO, NO, NO.

"BUT NO-OH-OH-HO-HO!"
NO, NO, NO.
"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"

NO, NO, NO.
"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"
"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!"

"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O!"
"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!"
HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.

"BUT N-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!"
HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

HEY, THAT'S PRETTY GOOD.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
ANYTHING ELSE?

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
ANYTHING ELSE?
UH...

ANYTHING ELSE?
UH...
I GUESS THAT ABOUT COVERS IT,

UH...
I GUESS THAT ABOUT COVERS IT,
REALLY.

I GUESS THAT ABOUT COVERS IT,
REALLY.
GEE, I JUST HOPE I CAN

REALLY.
GEE, I JUST HOPE I CAN
REMEMBER ALL THAT.

GEE, I JUST HOPE I CAN
REMEMBER ALL THAT.
YEAH, I DO, TOO.

REMEMBER ALL THAT.
YEAH, I DO, TOO.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A NICE

YEAH, I DO, TOO.
YOU KNOW, IT'S A NICE
DRESSING ROOM YOU GOT HERE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S A NICE
DRESSING ROOM YOU GOT HERE.
I'M DEAD ON MY FEET.

DRESSING ROOM YOU GOT HERE.
I'M DEAD ON MY FEET.
YOU GOT A COUCH?

I'M DEAD ON MY FEET.
YOU GOT A COUCH?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DEAD ON

YOU GOT A COUCH?
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DEAD ON
YOUR FEET, TOO.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE DEAD ON
YOUR FEET, TOO.
NO, I'M NOT.

YOUR FEET, TOO.
NO, I'M NOT.
I'M LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

NO, I'M NOT.
I'M LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

I'M LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH RICHARD BENJAMIN.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI... ABSENT...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI... ABSENT...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST
RICKIE LEE JONES.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RICHARD BENJAMIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
ALL RIGHT!
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT!
OKAY.
WHOO!

OKAY.
WHOO!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!

WHOO!
THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WOW!

THANK YOU! THANK YOU!
WOW!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]

WOW!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
I, UH...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE CONTINUE]
I, UH...
I'VE BEEN AWAY FROM HERE... I'VE

I, UH...
I'VE BEEN AWAY FROM HERE... I'VE
BEEN AWAY FROM HERE TOO LONG.

I'VE BEEN AWAY FROM HERE... I'VE
BEEN AWAY FROM HERE TOO LONG.
LISTEN, I REALLY FEEL GREAT.

BEEN AWAY FROM HERE TOO LONG.
LISTEN, I REALLY FEEL GREAT.
THANK YOU.

LISTEN, I REALLY FEEL GREAT.
THANK YOU.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GREAT.

THANK YOU.
THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GREAT.
I FEEL SO GREAT BEING HERE.

THAT MAKES ME FEEL SO GREAT.
I FEEL SO GREAT BEING HERE.
AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I FEEL SO GREAT BEING HERE.
AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
BEFORE I LEFT L.A., YOU KNOW, I

AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
BEFORE I LEFT L.A., YOU KNOW, I
STARTED TO FEEL A LITTLE...

BEFORE I LEFT L.A., YOU KNOW, I
STARTED TO FEEL A LITTLE...
WELL, I WAS GONNA BE LONELY, YOU

STARTED TO FEEL A LITTLE...
WELL, I WAS GONNA BE LONELY, YOU
KNOW?

WELL, I WAS GONNA BE LONELY, YOU
KNOW?
MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS, AND

KNOW?
MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS, AND
MYSELF USUALLY TRAVEL TOGETHER,

MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS, AND
MYSELF USUALLY TRAVEL TOGETHER,
AND SHE COULDN'T MAKE THE TRIP.

MYSELF USUALLY TRAVEL TOGETHER,
AND SHE COULDN'T MAKE THE TRIP.
AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, I'LL GO TO

AND SHE COULDN'T MAKE THE TRIP.
AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, I'LL GO TO
THAT HOTEL ROOM BY MYSELF.

AND I THOUGHT, "WELL, I'LL GO TO
THAT HOTEL ROOM BY MYSELF.
I'LL DO THE SHOW, AND WE'LL

THAT HOTEL ROOM BY MYSELF.
I'LL DO THE SHOW, AND WE'LL
REHEARSE AND EVERYTHING.

I'LL DO THE SHOW, AND WE'LL
REHEARSE AND EVERYTHING.
BUT IT'S GONNA BE SORT OF DOWN

REHEARSE AND EVERYTHING.
BUT IT'S GONNA BE SORT OF DOWN
AND LONELY FOR ME."

BUT IT'S GONNA BE SORT OF DOWN
AND LONELY FOR ME."
BUT FORGET IT.

AND LONELY FOR ME."
BUT FORGET IT.
FORGET IT!

BUT FORGET IT.
FORGET IT!
I AM HAVING THE BEST TIME I HAVE

FORGET IT!
I AM HAVING THE BEST TIME I HAVE
EVER HAD... ANYWHERE!

I AM HAVING THE BEST TIME I HAVE
EVER HAD... ANYWHERE!
ANYWHERE!

EVER HAD... ANYWHERE!
ANYWHERE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ANYWHERE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET ME TELL YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LET ME TELL YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU.

LET ME TELL YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.

LET ME TELL YOU.
LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE NIGHT AFTER REHEARSAL, YOU

LET ME TELL YOU WHAT HAPPENED.
ONE NIGHT AFTER REHEARSAL, YOU
KNOW, THIS WHOLE GANG, A WHOLE

ONE NIGHT AFTER REHEARSAL, YOU
KNOW, THIS WHOLE GANG, A WHOLE
BUNCH OF US GOT INTO A

KNOW, THIS WHOLE GANG, A WHOLE
BUNCH OF US GOT INTO A
LIMOUSINE... IT'S A LIMOUSINE A

BUNCH OF US GOT INTO A
LIMOUSINE... IT'S A LIMOUSINE A
BLOCK LONG.

LIMOUSINE... IT'S A LIMOUSINE A
BLOCK LONG.
WE PILED INTO IT, WE WENT DOWN

BLOCK LONG.
WE PILED INTO IT, WE WENT DOWN
TO CHINATOWN, WE HAD SOME

WE PILED INTO IT, WE WENT DOWN
TO CHINATOWN, WE HAD SOME
CHINESE FOOD... TERRIFIC CHINESE

TO CHINATOWN, WE HAD SOME
CHINESE FOOD... TERRIFIC CHINESE
FOOD.

CHINESE FOOD... TERRIFIC CHINESE
FOOD.
THEN A BUNCH OF US...

FOOD.
THEN A BUNCH OF US...
OH, LISTEN, WE WENT OVER TO

THEN A BUNCH OF US...
OH, LISTEN, WE WENT OVER TO
LITTLE ITALY, HAD SOME

OH, LISTEN, WE WENT OVER TO
LITTLE ITALY, HAD SOME
CANNELLONIS, YOU KNOW.

LITTLE ITALY, HAD SOME
CANNELLONIS, YOU KNOW.
OH, FATTENING, BUT WHO CARES,

CANNELLONIS, YOU KNOW.
OH, FATTENING, BUT WHO CARES,
RIGHT?

OH, FATTENING, BUT WHO CARES,
RIGHT?
I MEAN, WE'RE HERE IN NEW YORK.

RIGHT?
I MEAN, WE'RE HERE IN NEW YORK.
AND THEN... THEN...

I MEAN, WE'RE HERE IN NEW YORK.
AND THEN... THEN...
LISTEN.

AND THEN... THEN...
LISTEN.
WE HAD OUR PORTRAITS DONE BY AN

LISTEN.
WE HAD OUR PORTRAITS DONE BY AN
ARTIST RIGHT THERE IN THE

WE HAD OUR PORTRAITS DONE BY AN
ARTIST RIGHT THERE IN THE
STREET.

ARTIST RIGHT THERE IN THE
STREET.
I MEAN, THERE'S THIS GUY IN THE

STREET.
I MEAN, THERE'S THIS GUY IN THE
STREET DOING OUR PORTRAITS

I MEAN, THERE'S THIS GUY IN THE
STREET DOING OUR PORTRAITS
JUST... JUST THE TWO OF US.

STREET DOING OUR PORTRAITS
JUST... JUST THE TWO OF US.
I MEAN, I HAVE MY PORTRAIT AND

JUST... JUST THE TWO OF US.
I MEAN, I HAVE MY PORTRAIT AND
SHE HAS HERS.

I MEAN, I HAVE MY PORTRAIT AND
SHE HAS HERS.
AND THEN... I NEVER GO DANCING.

SHE HAS HERS.
AND THEN... I NEVER GO DANCING.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER, EVER, EVER GO

AND THEN... I NEVER GO DANCING.
YOU KNOW, I NEVER, EVER, EVER GO
DANCING.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER, EVER, EVER GO
DANCING.
I DON'T GO TO DISCOS OR ANYTHING

DANCING.
I DON'T GO TO DISCOS OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT.

I DON'T GO TO DISCOS OR ANYTHING
LIKE THAT.
SHE TOOK ME TO STUDIO 54.

LIKE THAT.
SHE TOOK ME TO STUDIO 54.
I DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY.

SHE TOOK ME TO STUDIO 54.
I DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY.
I HAD THIS INCREDIBLE,

I DANCED THE NIGHT AWAY.
I HAD THIS INCREDIBLE,
INCREDIBLE TIME.

I HAD THIS INCREDIBLE,
INCREDIBLE TIME.
AND THEN WE WATCHED THE SUN COME

INCREDIBLE TIME.
AND THEN WE WATCHED THE SUN COME
UP, AND THEN...

AND THEN WE WATCHED THE SUN COME
UP, AND THEN...
OH! OH, YEAH.

UP, AND THEN...
OH! OH, YEAH.
LISTEN TO THIS.

OH! OH, YEAH.
LISTEN TO THIS.
[LAUGHTER]

LISTEN TO THIS.
[LAUGHTER]
WE WENT...

[LAUGHTER]
WE WENT...
[LAUGHS]

WE WENT...
[LAUGHS]
WE WENT TO HER PLACE AND WE HAD

[LAUGHS]
WE WENT TO HER PLACE AND WE HAD
A COUPLE OF DRINKS, AND...

WE WENT TO HER PLACE AND WE HAD
A COUPLE OF DRINKS, AND...
I SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS THERE.

A COUPLE OF DRINKS, AND...
I SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS THERE.
[LAUGHTER]

I SPENT THE NEXT TWO DAYS THERE.
[LAUGHTER]
I AM INVOLVED WITH THE MOST

[LAUGHTER]
I AM INVOLVED WITH THE MOST
WONDERFUL GIRL IN THE GREATEST

I AM INVOLVED WITH THE MOST
WONDERFUL GIRL IN THE GREATEST
TOWN IN THE WORLD.

WONDERFUL GIRL IN THE GREATEST
TOWN IN THE WORLD.
I AM ALIVE!

TOWN IN THE WORLD.
I AM ALIVE!
I MEAN, THIS LADY MAKES ME FEEL

I AM ALIVE!
I MEAN, THIS LADY MAKES ME FEEL
ALIVE.

I MEAN, THIS LADY MAKES ME FEEL
ALIVE.
IN ALL OF MY 17 YEARS OF

ALIVE.
IN ALL OF MY 17 YEARS OF
MARRIAGE, I HAVE NEVER, EVER

IN ALL OF MY 17 YEARS OF
MARRIAGE, I HAVE NEVER, EVER
FELT THIS ALIVE!

MARRIAGE, I HAVE NEVER, EVER
FELT THIS ALIVE!
NOW...

FELT THIS ALIVE!
NOW...
[CLEARS THROAT]

NOW...
[CLEARS THROAT]
PAULA, HONEY...

[CLEARS THROAT]
PAULA, HONEY...
[LAUGHTER]

PAULA, HONEY...
[LAUGHTER]
MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS.

[LAUGHTER]
MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS.
[APPLAUSE]

MY WIFE, PAULA PRENTISS.
[APPLAUSE]
SHE...

[APPLAUSE]
SHE...
I KNOW. I KNOW.

SHE...
I KNOW. I KNOW.
SHE'S A GREAT ACTRESS.

I KNOW. I KNOW.
SHE'S A GREAT ACTRESS.
SHE'S A TERRIFIC LADY.

SHE'S A GREAT ACTRESS.
SHE'S A TERRIFIC LADY.
BUT, PAULA, I KNOW YOU AND MY

SHE'S A TERRIFIC LADY.
BUT, PAULA, I KNOW YOU AND MY
NEW GIRL... MY NEW LADY... ARE

BUT, PAULA, I KNOW YOU AND MY
NEW GIRL... MY NEW LADY... ARE
GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS.

NEW GIRL... MY NEW LADY... ARE
GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER]

GONNA BE GREAT FRIENDS.
[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT JUST RIGHT

[LAUGHTER]
MAYBE... MAYBE NOT JUST RIGHT
NOW.

MAYBE... MAYBE NOT JUST RIGHT
NOW.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.

NOW.
I UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT IN A FEW YEARS, WHEN THE

I UNDERSTAND THAT.
BUT IN A FEW YEARS, WHEN THE
HURT'S GONE, YOU'D LOVE HER,

BUT IN A FEW YEARS, WHEN THE
HURT'S GONE, YOU'D LOVE HER,
BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.

HURT'S GONE, YOU'D LOVE HER,
BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.
LISTEN, I CAN'T STAND THIS

BECAUSE SHE'S JUST LIKE YOU.
LISTEN, I CAN'T STAND THIS
ANYMORE.

LISTEN, I CAN'T STAND THIS
ANYMORE.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY GIRL!

ANYMORE.
I WANT YOU TO MEET MY GIRL!
I WANT YOU TO SEE HER!

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY GIRL!
I WANT YOU TO SEE HER!
PAULA, I WANT YOU TO SEE HER.

I WANT YOU TO SEE HER!
PAULA, I WANT YOU TO SEE HER.
GILDA, HONEY, COME ON UP HERE,

PAULA, I WANT YOU TO SEE HER.
GILDA, HONEY, COME ON UP HERE,
SWEETHEART!

GILDA, HONEY, COME ON UP HERE,
SWEETHEART!
COME HERE, BABY!

SWEETHEART!
COME HERE, BABY!
COME ON, HONEY!

COME HERE, BABY!
COME ON, HONEY!
GIVE ME A BIG KISS!

COME ON, HONEY!
GIVE ME A BIG KISS!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

GIVE ME A BIG KISS!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
PUT ME DOWN!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
PUT ME DOWN!
OH, DON'T YOU LOOK SO SWEET!

PUT ME DOWN!
OH, DON'T YOU LOOK SO SWEET!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL...

OH, DON'T YOU LOOK SO SWEET!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL...
HONEY, I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL...
HONEY, I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO
TO EVERYONE.

HONEY, I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO
TO EVERYONE.
I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO TO

TO EVERYONE.
I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO TO
PAULA.

I WANT YOU TO SAY HELLO TO
PAULA.
DON'T BE SHY.

PAULA.
DON'T BE SHY.
H-HELLO, PAULA.

DON'T BE SHY.
H-HELLO, PAULA.
THAT'S MY GIRL.

H-HELLO, PAULA.
THAT'S MY GIRL.
MY LITTLE DARLING GONNA HAVE A

THAT'S MY GIRL.
MY LITTLE DARLING GONNA HAVE A
GOOD SHOW TONIGHT?

MY LITTLE DARLING GONNA HAVE A
GOOD SHOW TONIGHT?
HOW COULD YOU COME OUT HERE

GOOD SHOW TONIGHT?
HOW COULD YOU COME OUT HERE
IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE AND

HOW COULD YOU COME OUT HERE
IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE AND
START TALKING ABOUT ME TO YOUR

IN FRONT OF ALL THESE PEOPLE AND
START TALKING ABOUT ME TO YOUR
WIFE?

START TALKING ABOUT ME TO YOUR
WIFE?
ISN'T SHE GREAT?

WIFE?
ISN'T SHE GREAT?
YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL!

ISN'T SHE GREAT?
YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL!
YOU JERK!

YOU'RE SO WONDERFUL!
YOU JERK!
WELL...

YOU JERK!
WELL...
AH, SHE'S SO EXCITED.

WELL...
AH, SHE'S SO EXCITED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

AH, SHE'S SO EXCITED.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE LONGEST I EVER HAD TO

WAIT WAS ABOUT TWO HOURS...

TWO, THREE HOURS.

I WANT TO GIVE UP THE GAME.

YOU NEVER GET A COURT.

YOU KNOW, YOU GOT TO BE A MEMBER

SOMEPLACE.

WELL, IT'S THE ONLY PLACE YOU
CAN PLAY AROUND HERE.
OKAY, WHO'S GOT THE TURKEY

CAN PLAY AROUND HERE.
OKAY, WHO'S GOT THE TURKEY
CLUB?

OKAY, WHO'S GOT THE TURKEY
CLUB?
THAT'S ME.

CLUB?
THAT'S ME.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ME.
ALL RIGHT.
GET ANY MAYONNAISE?

ALL RIGHT.
GET ANY MAYONNAISE?
YEAH, SOMEWHERE HERE.

GET ANY MAYONNAISE?
YEAH, SOMEWHERE HERE.
WHO'S GOT A VANILLA SHAKE?

YEAH, SOMEWHERE HERE.
WHO'S GOT A VANILLA SHAKE?
THAT'S ME.

WHO'S GOT A VANILLA SHAKE?
THAT'S ME.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S ME.
ALL RIGHT.
WHO ELSE HAD A COKE BESIDES ME?

ALL RIGHT.
WHO ELSE HAD A COKE BESIDES ME?
I HAD A COKE.

WHO ELSE HAD A COKE BESIDES ME?
I HAD A COKE.
OH, GEE.

I HAD A COKE.
OH, GEE.
WHAT THE...

OH, GEE.
WHAT THE...
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

WHAT THE...
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
[ALARM BUZZING]

WHAT'S GOING ON THERE?
[ALARM BUZZING]
WHAT'S GOING ON?

[ALARM BUZZING]
WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY, MATT, THE WATER LEVEL'S

WHAT'S GOING ON?
HEY, MATT, THE WATER LEVEL'S
DROPPING FAST IN THE CORE.

HEY, MATT, THE WATER LEVEL'S
DROPPING FAST IN THE CORE.
ALL RIGHT, SHOOT.

DROPPING FAST IN THE CORE.
ALL RIGHT, SHOOT.
THE PRESSURE'S RISING IN

ALL RIGHT, SHOOT.
THE PRESSURE'S RISING IN
THE COOLANT TANK.

THE PRESSURE'S RISING IN
THE COOLANT TANK.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME A NAPKIN.

THE COOLANT TANK.
ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME A NAPKIN.
KLEENEX.

ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME A NAPKIN.
KLEENEX.
DON'T YOU GOT A NAPKIN

KLEENEX.
DON'T YOU GOT A NAPKIN
SOMEWHERE?

DON'T YOU GOT A NAPKIN
SOMEWHERE?
AND TURN DOWN THAT ALARM.

SOMEWHERE?
AND TURN DOWN THAT ALARM.
IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.

AND TURN DOWN THAT ALARM.
IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
COME ON.

IT'S DRIVING ME NUTS.
COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THE, UH, WAX PAPER?

COME ON.
HOW ABOUT THE, UH, WAX PAPER?
[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]

HOW ABOUT THE, UH, WAX PAPER?
[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]
THERE'S BEEN AN EXPLOSION IN

[EXPLOSION IN DISTANCE]
THERE'S BEEN AN EXPLOSION IN
THE MAIN HOUSING.

THERE'S BEEN AN EXPLOSION IN
THE MAIN HOUSING.
WE GOT TO RELEASE THE NUMBER

THE MAIN HOUSING.
WE GOT TO RELEASE THE NUMBER
3, OR THAT PUMP'S GONNA BLOW.

WE GOT TO RELEASE THE NUMBER
3, OR THAT PUMP'S GONNA BLOW.
IF THE PUMP BLOWS, THAT COULD

3, OR THAT PUMP'S GONNA BLOW.
IF THE PUMP BLOWS, THAT COULD
MEAN A MELTDOWN.

IF THE PUMP BLOWS, THAT COULD
MEAN A MELTDOWN.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?

MEAN A MELTDOWN.
WHAT IS HAPPENING?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S

WHAT IS HAPPENING?
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S
HAPPENING... THE PEPSI SYNDROME.

PEPSI SYNDROME?
I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE KNOW

I'VE NEVER HEARD OF IT.
ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT THE PEPSI SYNDROME MEANS.

ONLY A HANDFUL OF PEOPLE KNOW
WHAT THE PEPSI SYNDROME MEANS.
MAYBE SOON EVERYONE WILL KNOW

WHAT THE PEPSI SYNDROME MEANS.
MAYBE SOON EVERYONE WILL KNOW
IT.

MAYBE SOON EVERYONE WILL KNOW
IT.
BUT WHAT IS IT?

IT.
BUT WHAT IS IT?
WELL, THE PEPSI SYNDROME.

BUT WHAT IS IT?
WELL, THE PEPSI SYNDROME.
IF SOMEONE SPILLS A PEPSI ON THE

WELL, THE PEPSI SYNDROME.
IF SOMEONE SPILLS A PEPSI ON THE
CONTROL PANEL OF A NUCLEAR-POWER

IF SOMEONE SPILLS A PEPSI ON THE
CONTROL PANEL OF A NUCLEAR-POWER
REACTOR, THE PANEL CAN

CONTROL PANEL OF A NUCLEAR-POWER
REACTOR, THE PANEL CAN
SHORT-CIRCUIT, AND THE WHOLE

REACTOR, THE PANEL CAN
SHORT-CIRCUIT, AND THE WHOLE
CORE MAY MELT DOWN.

SHORT-CIRCUIT, AND THE WHOLE
CORE MAY MELT DOWN.
BUT YOU SPILLED A COKE.

CORE MAY MELT DOWN.
BUT YOU SPILLED A COKE.
DOESN'T MATTER.

BUT YOU SPILLED A COKE.
DOESN'T MATTER.
ANY COLA DOES IT.

DOESN'T MATTER.
ANY COLA DOES IT.
ANY COLA?

ANY COLA DOES IT.
ANY COLA?
WHAT ABOUT R.C. COLA?

ANY COLA?
WHAT ABOUT R.C. COLA?
YEAH, R.C. DOES IT.

WHAT ABOUT R.C. COLA?
YEAH, R.C. DOES IT.
CANADA DRY COLA?

YEAH, R.C. DOES IT.
CANADA DRY COLA?
SURE.

CANADA DRY COLA?
SURE.
WHAT ABOUT 7UP?

SURE.
WHAT ABOUT 7UP?
[STEADY BUZZING]

WHAT ABOUT 7UP?
[STEADY BUZZING]
HARMLESS. IT'S AN UN-COLA.

[STEADY BUZZING]
HARMLESS. IT'S AN UN-COLA.
[GROANS]

HARMLESS. IT'S AN UN-COLA.
[GROANS]
WOW!

[GROANS]
WOW!
I COULD HAVE HAD A V8!

HELLO, HELLO.

I'M ROSS DENTON, HEAD

OF PUBLIC RELATIONS

FOR THE TWO MILE

NUCLEAR FACILITY.

FIRST, I'D LIKE TO WELCOME ALL
MEMBERS OF THE PRESS TO
TWO MILE ISLAND.

MEMBERS OF THE PRESS TO
TWO MILE ISLAND.
HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY HERE

TWO MILE ISLAND.
HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY HERE
AND THAT YOU'LL COME BACK AGAIN

HOPE YOU ENJOY YOUR STAY HERE
AND THAT YOU'LL COME BACK AGAIN
REAL SOON.

AND THAT YOU'LL COME BACK AGAIN
REAL SOON.
NOW, THERE WILL BE BOXED LUNCHES

REAL SOON.
NOW, THERE WILL BE BOXED LUNCHES
NEAR COOLING TOWER NUMBER ONE

NOW, THERE WILL BE BOXED LUNCHES
NEAR COOLING TOWER NUMBER ONE
AFTER THE BRIEFING.

NEAR COOLING TOWER NUMBER ONE
AFTER THE BRIEFING.
AND LATER, THE BUSES WILL TAKE

AFTER THE BRIEFING.
AND LATER, THE BUSES WILL TAKE
YOU BACK TO THE MOTEL FOR A

AND LATER, THE BUSES WILL TAKE
YOU BACK TO THE MOTEL FOR A
SPECIAL SCREENING OF THE

YOU BACK TO THE MOTEL FOR A
SPECIAL SCREENING OF THE
JANE FONDA FILM "BARBARELLA."

SPECIAL SCREENING OF THE
JANE FONDA FILM "BARBARELLA."
WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT HERE

JANE FONDA FILM "BARBARELLA."
WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT HERE
AT THE PLANT?

WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT HERE
AT THE PLANT?
THE WHAT?

AT THE PLANT?
THE WHAT?
OH, YES... THE ACCIDENT.

THE WHAT?
OH, YES... THE ACCIDENT.
UH, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE

OH, YES... THE ACCIDENT.
UH, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE
TECHNICAL BACKGROUND HERE.

UH, LET ME GIVE YOU A LITTLE
TECHNICAL BACKGROUND HERE.
THIS IS A NUCLEAR REACTOR.

TECHNICAL BACKGROUND HERE.
THIS IS A NUCLEAR REACTOR.
NOW, THE NUCLEAR FUEL HERE IS

THIS IS A NUCLEAR REACTOR.
NOW, THE NUCLEAR FUEL HERE IS
USED TO GENERATE ENERGY HERE,

NOW, THE NUCLEAR FUEL HERE IS
USED TO GENERATE ENERGY HERE,
WHICH IS SENT TO YOUR HOMES TO

USED TO GENERATE ENERGY HERE,
WHICH IS SENT TO YOUR HOMES TO
MAKE TOAST.

WHICH IS SENT TO YOUR HOMES TO
MAKE TOAST.
WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT?

MAKE TOAST.
WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT?
I WAS GETTING TO THAT.

WHAT ABOUT THE ACCIDENT?
I WAS GETTING TO THAT.
SOMETIME YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, WE

I WAS GETTING TO THAT.
SOMETIME YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, WE
EXPERIENCED WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL

SOMETIME YESTERDAY AFTERNOON, WE
EXPERIENCED WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL
A SURPRISE.

EXPERIENCED WHAT WE LIKE TO CALL
A SURPRISE.
AND, WELL, WE HAD TO RELEASE

A SURPRISE.
AND, WELL, WE HAD TO RELEASE
SOME RADIOACTIVE STEAM.

AND, WELL, WE HAD TO RELEASE
SOME RADIOACTIVE STEAM.
WELL, HOW MUCH RADIATION ARE

SOME RADIOACTIVE STEAM.
WELL, HOW MUCH RADIATION ARE
WE BEING EXPOSED TO RIGHT NOW?

WELL, HOW MUCH RADIATION ARE
WE BEING EXPOSED TO RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I'M SURE ALL OF US HERE

WE BEING EXPOSED TO RIGHT NOW?
WELL, I'M SURE ALL OF US HERE
HAVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR AND HAD

WELL, I'M SURE ALL OF US HERE
HAVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR AND HAD
OUR CHEST X-RAYED, HAVEN'T WE?

HAVE BEEN TO THE DOCTOR AND HAD
OUR CHEST X-RAYED, HAVEN'T WE?
WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, ONLY

OUR CHEST X-RAYED, HAVEN'T WE?
WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, ONLY
IT'S AS IF THE DOCTOR HAD TO

WELL, IT'S JUST LIKE THAT, ONLY
IT'S AS IF THE DOCTOR HAD TO
GIVE YOU THE CHEST X-RAY OVER

IT'S AS IF THE DOCTOR HAD TO
GIVE YOU THE CHEST X-RAY OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.

GIVE YOU THE CHEST X-RAY OVER
AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
OR IT'S LIKE FALLING ASLEEP

AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN.
OR IT'S LIKE FALLING ASLEEP
UNDER A SUNLAMP FOR A WEEK OR

OR IT'S LIKE FALLING ASLEEP
UNDER A SUNLAMP FOR A WEEK OR
TWO.

UNDER A SUNLAMP FOR A WEEK OR
TWO.
OR IT'S LIKE DRYING YOUR HAIR IN

TWO.
OR IT'S LIKE DRYING YOUR HAIR IN
A MICROWAVE OVEN.

OR IT'S LIKE DRYING YOUR HAIR IN
A MICROWAVE OVEN.
AND TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA HOW

A MICROWAVE OVEN.
AND TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA HOW
LITTLE DANGER THERE ACT...

AND TO GIVE YOU SOME IDEA HOW
LITTLE DANGER THERE ACT...
WAIT A MINUTE.

LITTLE DANGER THERE ACT...
WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW LITTLE DANGER THERE

WAIT A MINUTE.
HOW LITTLE DANGER THERE
ACTUALLY IS, PRESIDENT CARTER

HOW LITTLE DANGER THERE
ACTUALLY IS, PRESIDENT CARTER
WILL BE HERE TOMORROW.

ACTUALLY IS, PRESIDENT CARTER
WILL BE HERE TOMORROW.
NOW, GENTLEMEN, I 'M SORRY.

WILL BE HERE TOMORROW.
NOW, GENTLEMEN, I 'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.

NOW, GENTLEMEN, I 'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
YES, I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY.
YES, I'M SORRY.
I HAVE TO CUT THIS PRESS

YES, I'M SORRY.
I HAVE TO CUT THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE SHORT.

I HAVE TO CUT THIS PRESS
CONFERENCE SHORT.
BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO HAND THE

CONFERENCE SHORT.
BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO HAND THE
STAGE OVER TO THE

BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO HAND THE
STAGE OVER TO THE
TWO MILE PLAYERS.

STAGE OVER TO THE
TWO MILE PLAYERS.
THEY'RE A PRO-NUCLEAR MIME

TWO MILE PLAYERS.
THEY'RE A PRO-NUCLEAR MIME
TROUPE, AND THEY'RE GONNA

THEY'RE A PRO-NUCLEAR MIME
TROUPE, AND THEY'RE GONNA
PERFORM A LITTLE SKIT FOR YOU,

TROUPE, AND THEY'RE GONNA
PERFORM A LITTLE SKIT FOR YOU,
KIDS!

PERFORM A LITTLE SKIT FOR YOU,
KIDS!
I'M ENERGY!

KIDS!
I'M ENERGY!
EVERYBODY WANTS ME!

I'M ENERGY!
EVERYBODY WANTS ME!
I'M A SHORTSIGHTED CONSUMER.

EVERYBODY WANTS ME!
I'M A SHORTSIGHTED CONSUMER.
I'M AGAINST NUCLEAR ENERGY.

I'M A SHORTSIGHTED CONSUMER.
I'M AGAINST NUCLEAR ENERGY.
BUT I STILL WANT MY STEREO...

I'M AGAINST NUCLEAR ENERGY.
BUT I STILL WANT MY STEREO...
AND MY ELECTRIC GUITAR.

BUT I STILL WANT MY STEREO...
AND MY ELECTRIC GUITAR.
QUESTION.

AND MY ELECTRIC GUITAR.
QUESTION.
I THOUGHT MIMES WEREN'T SUPPOSED

QUESTION.
I THOUGHT MIMES WEREN'T SUPPOSED
TO TALK.

I THOUGHT MIMES WEREN'T SUPPOSED
TO TALK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

TO TALK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I TOLD YOU.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED

I TOLD YOU.
I TOLD YOU WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED
TO TALK.

I TOLD YOU WE WEREN'T SUPPOSED
TO TALK.
NO. MIMES CAN TALK.

[ALARM BUZZING]

WILL YOU TURN THAT THING

DOWN?!

I CAN'T EAT!

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
RIGHT, RIGHT.
HEY, YOU GUYS, GET THAT STUFF

RIGHT, RIGHT.
HEY, YOU GUYS, GET THAT STUFF
AWAY.

HEY, YOU GUYS, GET THAT STUFF
AWAY.
THE PRESIDENT'S COMING.

AWAY.
THE PRESIDENT'S COMING.
QUICK... HIDE THE V8.

THIS IS THE, UH, MAIN CONTROL
ROOM, MR. PRESIDENT.
WELL, OF COURSE, I'M FAMILIAR

ROOM, MR. PRESIDENT.
WELL, OF COURSE, I'M FAMILIAR
WITH NUCLEAR FACILITIES.

WELL, OF COURSE, I'M FAMILIAR
WITH NUCLEAR FACILITIES.
YOU KNOW, I'M A NUCLEAR

WITH NUCLEAR FACILITIES.
YOU KNOW, I'M A NUCLEAR
ENGINEER.

YOU KNOW, I'M A NUCLEAR
ENGINEER.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.

ENGINEER.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.

AND A DAMN GOOD ONE.
THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
NOW, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.

THANK YOU, SWEETHEART.
NOW, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS

NOW, TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS
MATT CRANDALL.

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS
MATT CRANDALL.
HE WAS CHIEF ENGINEER WHEN THE

MATT CRANDALL.
HE WAS CHIEF ENGINEER WHEN THE
SURPRISE OCCURRED.

HE WAS CHIEF ENGINEER WHEN THE
SURPRISE OCCURRED.
OKAY, MATT.

SURPRISE OCCURRED.
OKAY, MATT.
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.

OKAY, MATT.
GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
WELL, THE WATER LEVEL BEGAN

GIVE IT TO ME STRAIGHT.
WELL, THE WATER LEVEL BEGAN
DROPPING IN THE CORE, AND

WELL, THE WATER LEVEL BEGAN
DROPPING IN THE CORE, AND
PRESSURE NEARED CRITICAL IN

DROPPING IN THE CORE, AND
PRESSURE NEARED CRITICAL IN
COOLANT PUMP NUMBER 2, AND A

PRESSURE NEARED CRITICAL IN
COOLANT PUMP NUMBER 2, AND A
NEGATIVE FUNCTION IN THE CONTROL

COOLANT PUMP NUMBER 2, AND A
NEGATIVE FUNCTION IN THE CONTROL
PANEL PREVENTED US FROM

NEGATIVE FUNCTION IN THE CONTROL
PANEL PREVENTED US FROM
PREVENTING THE MINOR EXPLOSION

PANEL PREVENTED US FROM
PREVENTING THE MINOR EXPLOSION
WHICH OCCURRED IN THE MAIN

PREVENTING THE MINOR EXPLOSION
WHICH OCCURRED IN THE MAIN
HOUSING.

WHICH OCCURRED IN THE MAIN
HOUSING.
HMM.

HOUSING.
HMM.
SOUNDS TO ME A LOT LIKE A PEPSI

HMM.
SOUNDS TO ME A LOT LIKE A PEPSI
SYNDROME.

SOUNDS TO ME A LOT LIKE A PEPSI
SYNDROME.
WERE THERE ANY SOFT DRINKS IN

SYNDROME.
WERE THERE ANY SOFT DRINKS IN
THE CONTROL ROOM?

WERE THERE ANY SOFT DRINKS IN
THE CONTROL ROOM?
OKAY, YOU GOT ME.

THE CONTROL ROOM?
OKAY, YOU GOT ME.
YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR ME,

OKAY, YOU GOT ME.
YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR ME,
MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.

YOU'RE TOO SMART FOR ME,
MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.
I SPILLED A LARGE COKE TO GO

MR. PRESIDENT, SIR.
I SPILLED A LARGE COKE TO GO
ON THE CONTROL PANEL.

I SPILLED A LARGE COKE TO GO
ON THE CONTROL PANEL.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT,

ON THE CONTROL PANEL.
WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT,
MR. PRESIDENT... HUMAN ERROR.

WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT,
MR. PRESIDENT... HUMAN ERROR.
NO OFFENSE, MATT.

MR. PRESIDENT... HUMAN ERROR.
NO OFFENSE, MATT.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT,

NO OFFENSE, MATT.
WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT,
JIMMY.

WELL, I GUESS THAT'S IT,
JIMMY.
YOU FIGURED IT OUT.

JIMMY.
YOU FIGURED IT OUT.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,

YOU FIGURED IT OUT.
NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,
PLEASE.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE,
PLEASE.
JUST A COUPLE MORE MINUTES,

PLEASE.
JUST A COUPLE MORE MINUTES,
SWEETHEART.

JUST A COUPLE MORE MINUTES,
SWEETHEART.
I DON'T GET TO DO THIS EVERY

SWEETHEART.
I DON'T GET TO DO THIS EVERY
DAY.

I DON'T GET TO DO THIS EVERY
DAY.
MATT, RIGHT NOW, WHAT IS THE

DAY.
MATT, RIGHT NOW, WHAT IS THE
LEVEL OF RADIATION INSIDE THE

MATT, RIGHT NOW, WHAT IS THE
LEVEL OF RADIATION INSIDE THE
CONTAINMENT VESSEL?

LEVEL OF RADIATION INSIDE THE
CONTAINMENT VESSEL?
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, WE DON'T

CONTAINMENT VESSEL?
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, WE DON'T
KNOW.

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, WE DON'T
KNOW.
THE LARGE COKE KNOCKED OUT ALL

KNOW.
THE LARGE COKE KNOCKED OUT ALL
OUR MONITORING SYSTEMS, AND NO

THE LARGE COKE KNOCKED OUT ALL
OUR MONITORING SYSTEMS, AND NO
ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO GO INSIDE TO

OUR MONITORING SYSTEMS, AND NO
ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO GO INSIDE TO
THE ROOM.

ONE'S BEEN ABLE TO GO INSIDE TO
THE ROOM.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO GO IN AND

THE ROOM.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO GO IN AND
CHECK IT OUT.

WELL, I'D LIKE TO GO IN AND
CHECK IT OUT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE CORE OF A

CHECK IT OUT.
I'VE NEVER SEEN THE CORE OF A
WATER-COOLED REACTOR.

I'VE NEVER SEEN THE CORE OF A
WATER-COOLED REACTOR.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT MAY BE

WATER-COOLED REACTOR.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT MAY BE
DANGEROUS IN THERE.

UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT MAY BE
DANGEROUS IN THERE.
OH, LOOK, JIMMY, WHY DON'T WE

DANGEROUS IN THERE.
OH, LOOK, JIMMY, WHY DON'T WE
JUST GO VISIT THE HERSHEY

OH, LOOK, JIMMY, WHY DON'T WE
JUST GO VISIT THE HERSHEY
FACTORY?

JUST GO VISIT THE HERSHEY
FACTORY?
PLEASE.

FACTORY?
PLEASE.
I THINK I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE

PLEASE.
I THINK I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
MYSELF AROUND A NUCLEAR

I THINK I KNOW HOW TO HANDLE
MYSELF AROUND A NUCLEAR
FACILITY.

MYSELF AROUND A NUCLEAR
FACILITY.
BESIDES, I'M PROTECTED.

FACILITY.
BESIDES, I'M PROTECTED.
I GOT MY LITTLE YELLOW BOOTS ON.

BESIDES, I'M PROTECTED.
I GOT MY LITTLE YELLOW BOOTS ON.
I WANT TO GO IN AND TAKE A PEEK.

I GOT MY LITTLE YELLOW BOOTS ON.
I WANT TO GO IN AND TAKE A PEEK.
ALL RIGHT, MATT, DO YOU THINK

I WANT TO GO IN AND TAKE A PEEK.
ALL RIGHT, MATT, DO YOU THINK
IT'S REALLY SAFE IN THERE?

ALL RIGHT, MATT, DO YOU THINK
IT'S REALLY SAFE IN THERE?
YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG GUY.

IT'S REALLY SAFE IN THERE?
YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG GUY.
I-I DON'T KNOW.

YOU'RE ASKING THE WRONG GUY.
I-I DON'T KNOW.
DON'T WORRY.

I-I DON'T KNOW.
DON'T WORRY.
I WON'T BE LONG.

DON'T WORRY.
I WON'T BE LONG.
OH!

I WON'T BE LONG.
OH!
B-BE CAREFUL, JIMMY.

OH!
B-BE CAREFUL, JIMMY.
[MACHINERY HUMMING]

B-BE CAREFUL, JIMMY.
[MACHINERY HUMMING]
YOU, UH... YOU'VE GOT QUITE A

[MACHINERY HUMMING]
YOU, UH... YOU'VE GOT QUITE A
HUSBAND THERE, MRS. CARTER.

YOU, UH... YOU'VE GOT QUITE A
HUSBAND THERE, MRS. CARTER.
YES, I KNOW.

HUSBAND THERE, MRS. CARTER.
YES, I KNOW.
YOU SURE DO, MA'AM.

YES, I KNOW.
YOU SURE DO, MA'AM.
YOU KNOW, MRS. CARTER, YOU

YOU SURE DO, MA'AM.
YOU KNOW, MRS. CARTER, YOU
SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT AMY.

YOU KNOW, MRS. CARTER, YOU
SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT AMY.
I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE HAD A

SHOULD HAVE BROUGHT AMY.
I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE HAD A
BALL.

I THINK SHE WOULD HAVE HAD A
BALL.
WELL, JIMMY WANTED TO BRING

BALL.
WELL, JIMMY WANTED TO BRING
HER, BUT THEN I THOUGHT, "WELL,

WELL, JIMMY WANTED TO BRING
HER, BUT THEN I THOUGHT, "WELL,
SHE'S GOT SCHOOL."

HER, BUT THEN I THOUGHT, "WELL,
SHE'S GOT SCHOOL."
AND, BESIDES, WHAT IF ONE DAY

SHE'S GOT SCHOOL."
AND, BESIDES, WHAT IF ONE DAY
AMY WANTS TO HAVE CHILDREN?

AND, BESIDES, WHAT IF ONE DAY
AMY WANTS TO HAVE CHILDREN?
MRS. CARTER, WELL, MAYBE YOU

AMY WANTS TO HAVE CHILDREN?
MRS. CARTER, WELL, MAYBE YOU
CAN JUST BRING AMY HOME A

MRS. CARTER, WELL, MAYBE YOU
CAN JUST BRING AMY HOME A
TWO MILE ISLAND T-SHIRT.

CAN JUST BRING AMY HOME A
TWO MILE ISLAND T-SHIRT.
THAT'S VERY NICE.

TWO MILE ISLAND T-SHIRT.
THAT'S VERY NICE.
[KNOCKING]

THAT'S VERY NICE.
[KNOCKING]
DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?

[KNOCKING]
DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
OH, MY GOD.

DO YOU HEAR SOMETHING?
OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE PRESIDENT.

OH, MY GOD.
IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
IT IS THE PRESIDENT.

IT'S THE PRESIDENT.
IT IS THE PRESIDENT.
[MACHINERY HUMMING]

IT IS THE PRESIDENT.
[MACHINERY HUMMING]
M-MR. PRESIDENT.

[MACHINERY HUMMING]
M-MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE GLOWING.

M-MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE GLOWING.
JIMMY!

YOU'RE GLOWING.
JIMMY!
DON'T TOUCH ME.

JIMMY!
DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M A NUCLEAR ENGINEER, AND I'M

DON'T TOUCH ME.
I'M A NUCLEAR ENGINEER, AND I'M
PRETTY WORRIED RIGHT NOW.

I'M A NUCLEAR ENGINEER, AND I'M
PRETTY WORRIED RIGHT NOW.
YOU'VE GOT 6 INCHES OF

PRETTY WORRIED RIGHT NOW.
YOU'VE GOT 6 INCHES OF
RADIOACTIVE WATER IN THAT ROOM.

YOU'VE GOT 6 INCHES OF
RADIOACTIVE WATER IN THAT ROOM.
YOU BETTER DRAIN THAT.

RADIOACTIVE WATER IN THAT ROOM.
YOU BETTER DRAIN THAT.
OKAY, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT

YOU BETTER DRAIN THAT.
OKAY, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT
R-RIGHT AWAY.

OKAY, WE'LL TAKE CARE OF THAT
R-RIGHT AWAY.
MR. PRESIDENT, WHY DON'T YOU

R-RIGHT AWAY.
MR. PRESIDENT, WHY DON'T YOU
COME... COME WITH ME.

MR. PRESIDENT, WHY DON'T YOU
COME... COME WITH ME.
YEAH.

COME... COME WITH ME.
YEAH.
I-I FEEL A LITTLE FUNNY.

YEAH.
I-I FEEL A LITTLE FUNNY.
DON'T WORRY.

I-I FEEL A LITTLE FUNNY.
DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL BE... YOU'LL BE FINE,

DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL BE... YOU'LL BE FINE,
MR. CARTER.

YOU'LL BE... YOU'LL BE FINE,
MR. CARTER.
JUST STAY INSIDE AND CLOSE THE

MR. CARTER.
JUST STAY INSIDE AND CLOSE THE
WINDOW.

JUST STAY INSIDE AND CLOSE THE
WINDOW.
COVER YOURSELF WITH SOME HOT

WINDOW.
COVER YOURSELF WITH SOME HOT
BLANKETS, YOU KNOW, AND DRINK A

COVER YOURSELF WITH SOME HOT
BLANKETS, YOU KNOW, AND DRINK A
BEER OR SOMETHING.

BLANKETS, YOU KNOW, AND DRINK A
BEER OR SOMETHING.
I CALLED MAINTENANCE.

BEER OR SOMETHING.
I CALLED MAINTENANCE.
OKAY, YOU CALL THE GATE.

I CALLED MAINTENANCE.
OKAY, YOU CALL THE GATE.
TELL THEM THE PRESIDENT'S COMING

OKAY, YOU CALL THE GATE.
TELL THEM THE PRESIDENT'S COMING
UP.

HE'S COMING. TELL THEM THAT.
UH, YOU ASKED FOR ME,
MR. CRANDALL?

UH, YOU ASKED FOR ME,
MR. CRANDALL?
I JUST FINISHED WITH YOUR

MR. CRANDALL?
I JUST FINISHED WITH YOUR
OFFICE.

I JUST FINISHED WITH YOUR
OFFICE.
OH, YEAH, VIOLET, UH...

OFFICE.
OH, YEAH, VIOLET, UH...
THERE'S SOME WATER ON THE FLOOR

OH, YEAH, VIOLET, UH...
THERE'S SOME WATER ON THE FLOOR
IN THERE.

THERE'S SOME WATER ON THE FLOOR
IN THERE.
WOULD YOU CLEAN IT UP, PLEASE?

IN THERE.
WOULD YOU CLEAN IT UP, PLEASE?
OKAY, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN

WOULD YOU CLEAN IT UP, PLEASE?
OKAY, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN
THERE BEFORE.

OKAY, BUT I'VE NEVER BEEN IN
THERE BEFORE.
I KNOW.

THERE BEFORE.
I KNOW.
WE USUALLY DON'T, BUT IT'S A

I KNOW.
WE USUALLY DON'T, BUT IT'S A
MESS.

WE USUALLY DON'T, BUT IT'S A
MESS.
BUT DON'T BOTHER WAXING, OKAY?

MESS.
BUT DON'T BOTHER WAXING, OKAY?
OKAY.

BUT DON'T BOTHER WAXING, OKAY?
OKAY.
GO RIGHT AHEAD IN THERE.

[MACHINERY HUMMING]

WHERE IS JIMMY?

I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE HIM.

MRS. CARTER, THE PRESIDENT IS

RECEIVING SPECIAL TREATMENT

RIGHT NOW.

WHAT KIND OF SPECIAL
TREATMENT?
WHY CAN'T I SEE HIM?

TREATMENT?
WHY CAN'T I SEE HIM?
MRS. CARTER, THIS IS

WHY CAN'T I SEE HIM?
MRS. CARTER, THIS IS
DR. EDNA CASEY.

MRS. CARTER, THIS IS
DR. EDNA CASEY.
PERHAPS SHE CAN EXPLAIN BETTER

DR. EDNA CASEY.
PERHAPS SHE CAN EXPLAIN BETTER
THAN I WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE

PERHAPS SHE CAN EXPLAIN BETTER
THAN I WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE
PRESIDENT.

THAN I WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE
PRESIDENT.
MRS. CARTER, YOUR HUSBAND WAS

PRESIDENT.
MRS. CARTER, YOUR HUSBAND WAS
EXPOSED TO MASSIVE DOSES OF

MRS. CARTER, YOUR HUSBAND WAS
EXPOSED TO MASSIVE DOSES OF
RADIATION.

EXPOSED TO MASSIVE DOSES OF
RADIATION.
NOW, THIS HAS AFFECTED THE

RADIATION.
NOW, THIS HAS AFFECTED THE
ENTIRE CELL STRUCTURE OF HIS

NOW, THIS HAS AFFECTED THE
ENTIRE CELL STRUCTURE OF HIS
BODY AND GREATLY ACCELERATED THE

ENTIRE CELL STRUCTURE OF HIS
BODY AND GREATLY ACCELERATED THE
GROWTH PROCESS.

BODY AND GREATLY ACCELERATED THE
GROWTH PROCESS.
WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

GROWTH PROCESS.
WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS, MRS. CARTER, YOUR

WELL, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
IT MEANS, MRS. CARTER, YOUR
HUSBAND, PRESIDENT CARTER, HAS

IT MEANS, MRS. CARTER, YOUR
HUSBAND, PRESIDENT CARTER, HAS
BECOME...

HUSBAND, PRESIDENT CARTER, HAS
BECOME...
THE AMAZING COLOSSAL PRESIDENT.

BECOME...
THE AMAZING COLOSSAL PRESIDENT.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

WELL, HOW BIG IS HE?
WELL, MRS. CARTER, IT'S
DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND JUST HOW

WELL, MRS. CARTER, IT'S
DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND JUST HOW
BIG HE IS, BUT TO GIVE YOU SOME

DIFFICULT TO COMPREHEND JUST HOW
BIG HE IS, BUT TO GIVE YOU SOME
IDEA, WE'VE ASKED COMEDIAN

BIG HE IS, BUT TO GIVE YOU SOME
IDEA, WE'VE ASKED COMEDIAN
RODNEY DANGERFIELD TO COME ALONG

IDEA, WE'VE ASKED COMEDIAN
RODNEY DANGERFIELD TO COME ALONG
TODAY TO HELP EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD TO COME ALONG
TODAY TO HELP EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
RODNEY?

TODAY TO HELP EXPLAIN IT TO YOU.
RODNEY?
HOW DO YOU DO? HOW ARE YOU?

GOOD TO SEE YOU, RODNEY.
RODNEY, CAN YOU TELL US...
PLEASE TELL US, HOW BIG IS THE

RODNEY, CAN YOU TELL US...
PLEASE TELL US, HOW BIG IS THE
PRESIDENT?

PLEASE TELL US, HOW BIG IS THE
PRESIDENT?
OH, HE'S A BIG GUY.

PRESIDENT?
OH, HE'S A BIG GUY.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

OH, HE'S A BIG GUY.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
HE'S A BIG GUY. WHOA.

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
HE'S A BIG GUY. WHOA.
I TELL YOU, HE'S SO BIG, I SAW

HE'S A BIG GUY. WHOA.
I TELL YOU, HE'S SO BIG, I SAW
HIM SITTING ON THE

I TELL YOU, HE'S SO BIG, I SAW
HIM SITTING ON THE
GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE

HIM SITTING ON THE
GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE
DANGLING HIS FEET IN THE WATER.

GEORGE WASHINGTON BRIDGE
DANGLING HIS FEET IN THE WATER.
OH, MY GOD! JIMMY!

DANGLING HIS FEET IN THE WATER.
OH, MY GOD! JIMMY!
WHOA, HE'S BIG.

OH, MY GOD! JIMMY!
WHOA, HE'S BIG.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.

WHOA, HE'S BIG.
I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
WELL, TWO GIRLS MAKING LOVE TO

I'LL TELL YOU THAT.
WELL, TWO GIRLS MAKING LOVE TO
HIM AT THE SAME TIME WOULD NEVER

WELL, TWO GIRLS MAKING LOVE TO
HIM AT THE SAME TIME WOULD NEVER
MEET EACH OTHER.

HIM AT THE SAME TIME WOULD NEVER
MEET EACH OTHER.
OH, NO! OH, JIMMY!

MEET EACH OTHER.
OH, NO! OH, JIMMY!
I DON'T WANT TO UPSET YOU,

OH, NO! OH, JIMMY!
I DON'T WANT TO UPSET YOU,
LADY.

I DON'T WANT TO UPSET YOU,
LADY.
HE'S BIG. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

LADY.
HE'S BIG. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HE COULD HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE

HE'S BIG. KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
HE COULD HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE
LINCOLN TUNNEL.

HE COULD HAVE AN AFFAIR WITH THE
LINCOLN TUNNEL.
NO! OH, NO!

LINCOLN TUNNEL.
NO! OH, NO!
WHOO! HE'S BIG.

NO! OH, NO!
WHOO! HE'S BIG.
HE'S A BIG GUY.

WHOO! HE'S BIG.
HE'S A BIG GUY.
RODNEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HE'S A BIG GUY.
RODNEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU CAN GO.

RODNEY, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
YOU CAN GO.
IT'S MY PLEASURE.

YOU CAN GO.
IT'S MY PLEASURE.
HE'S BIG WAY UP THERE, LADY.

IT'S MY PLEASURE.
HE'S BIG WAY UP THERE, LADY.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

RODNEY DANGERFIELD.
MRS. CARTER...
MRS. CARTER, UH...

MRS. CARTER...
MRS. CARTER, UH...
PERHAPS THIS CHART CAN GIVE YOU

MRS. CARTER, UH...
PERHAPS THIS CHART CAN GIVE YOU
A MORE PRECISE MEASUREMENT OF

PERHAPS THIS CHART CAN GIVE YOU
A MORE PRECISE MEASUREMENT OF
HIS SIZE.

A MORE PRECISE MEASUREMENT OF
HIS SIZE.
NOW, THE FIGURE ON THE LEFT

HIS SIZE.
NOW, THE FIGURE ON THE LEFT
REPRESENTS VICE PRESIDENT

NOW, THE FIGURE ON THE LEFT
REPRESENTS VICE PRESIDENT
MONDALE.

REPRESENTS VICE PRESIDENT
MONDALE.
THIS IS TIP O'NEILL, SPEAKER OF

MONDALE.
THIS IS TIP O'NEILL, SPEAKER OF
THE HOUSE, DEMOCRAT,

THIS IS TIP O'NEILL, SPEAKER OF
THE HOUSE, DEMOCRAT,
MASSACHUSETTS.

THE HOUSE, DEMOCRAT,
MASSACHUSETTS.
THIS IS AN INDIAN ELEPHANT.

MASSACHUSETTS.
THIS IS AN INDIAN ELEPHANT.
THIS IS A BRONTOSAURUS.

THIS IS AN INDIAN ELEPHANT.
THIS IS A BRONTOSAURUS.
AND THIS, I'M AFRAID...

THIS IS A BRONTOSAURUS.
AND THIS, I'M AFRAID...
IS PRESIDENT CARTER.

AND THIS, I'M AFRAID...
IS PRESIDENT CARTER.
OHH!

IS PRESIDENT CARTER.
OHH!
HEWWO!

OHH!
HEWWO!
THIS IS BABA WAWA SPEAKING TO

HEWWO!
THIS IS BABA WAWA SPEAKING TO
YOU WIVE FWOM THE TWO MILE

THIS IS BABA WAWA SPEAKING TO
YOU WIVE FWOM THE TWO MILE
ISLAND...

YOU WIVE FWOM THE TWO MILE
ISLAND...
I'M SPEAKING TO YOU WIVE FWOM

ISLAND...
I'M SPEAKING TO YOU WIVE FWOM
THE TWO MILE ISLAND

I'M SPEAKING TO YOU WIVE FWOM
THE TWO MILE ISLAND
NUCLEAR-WEACTOR SITE, WHERE

THE TWO MILE ISLAND
NUCLEAR-WEACTOR SITE, WHERE
WUMORS ARE WUNNING WAMPANT THAT

NUCLEAR-WEACTOR SITE, WHERE
WUMORS ARE WUNNING WAMPANT THAT
THE PWESIDENT HAS BEEN EXPOSED

WUMORS ARE WUNNING WAMPANT THAT
THE PWESIDENT HAS BEEN EXPOSED
TO WETHAL WEVELS OF WADIATION.

THE PWESIDENT HAS BEEN EXPOSED
TO WETHAL WEVELS OF WADIATION.
AND HE HAS GROWN TO INCWEDIBLY

TO WETHAL WEVELS OF WADIATION.
AND HE HAS GROWN TO INCWEDIBLY
WIDICULOUS PWOPORTIONS.

AND HE HAS GROWN TO INCWEDIBLY
WIDICULOUS PWOPORTIONS.
HE'S WEALLY, WEALLY WARGE.

WIDICULOUS PWOPORTIONS.
HE'S WEALLY, WEALLY WARGE.
PWESENTLY, WOSS DENTON,

HE'S WEALLY, WEALLY WARGE.
PWESENTLY, WOSS DENTON,
SPOKESPERSON FOR THE UTILITY

PWESENTLY, WOSS DENTON,
SPOKESPERSON FOR THE UTILITY
COMPANY WHICH WUNS THE NUCLEAR

SPOKESPERSON FOR THE UTILITY
COMPANY WHICH WUNS THE NUCLEAR
WEACTOR, WILL ENTER THIS WOOM TO

COMPANY WHICH WUNS THE NUCLEAR
WEACTOR, WILL ENTER THIS WOOM TO
WESPOND TO THE PWESS.

WEACTOR, WILL ENTER THIS WOOM TO
WESPOND TO THE PWESS.
WATER TONIGHT, AT 10:30, 9:30

WESPOND TO THE PWESS.
WATER TONIGHT, AT 10:30, 9:30
CENTRAL, ABC WILL PWESENT A

WATER TONIGHT, AT 10:30, 9:30
CENTRAL, ABC WILL PWESENT A
SPECIAL HALF-HOUR WEPORT...

CENTRAL, ABC WILL PWESENT A
SPECIAL HALF-HOUR WEPORT...
"HOW BIG IS THE PWESIDENT?"

SPECIAL HALF-HOUR WEPORT...
"HOW BIG IS THE PWESIDENT?"
HOSTED BY FWANK WEYNOLDS AND

"HOW BIG IS THE PWESIDENT?"
HOSTED BY FWANK WEYNOLDS AND
WODNEY DANGERFIELD.

HOSTED BY FWANK WEYNOLDS AND
WODNEY DANGERFIELD.
I SEE WOSS DENTON IS

WODNEY DANGERFIELD.
I SEE WOSS DENTON IS
APPWOACHING THE PODIUM AND SEEMS

I SEE WOSS DENTON IS
APPWOACHING THE PODIUM AND SEEMS
WEADY TO SPEAK.

APPWOACHING THE PODIUM AND SEEMS
WEADY TO SPEAK.
WET'S WISTEN IN.

WEADY TO SPEAK.
WET'S WISTEN IN.
GOOD AFTERNOON.

WET'S WISTEN IN.
GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND

GOOD AFTERNOON.
GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.

GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.
FIRST, AS TO THE PRESIDENT'S

GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS.
FIRST, AS TO THE PRESIDENT'S
CONDITION, LET ME SAY THAT THE

FIRST, AS TO THE PRESIDENT'S
CONDITION, LET ME SAY THAT THE
PRESIDENT IS FEELING CERTAINLY

CONDITION, LET ME SAY THAT THE
PRESIDENT IS FEELING CERTAINLY
STRONGER THAN HE'S EVER FELT,

PRESIDENT IS FEELING CERTAINLY
STRONGER THAN HE'S EVER FELT,
AND HE WOULD LIKE TO BE WITH US

STRONGER THAN HE'S EVER FELT,
AND HE WOULD LIKE TO BE WITH US
RIGHT HERE IN THIS ROOM...

AND HE WOULD LIKE TO BE WITH US
RIGHT HERE IN THIS ROOM...
IF HE COULD.

RIGHT HERE IN THIS ROOM...
IF HE COULD.
I THINK NOW I'LL JUST OPEN THE

IF HE COULD.
I THINK NOW I'LL JUST OPEN THE
FLOOR TO QUESTIONS.

I THINK NOW I'LL JUST OPEN THE
FLOOR TO QUESTIONS.
YES.

FLOOR TO QUESTIONS.
YES.
IS IT TRUE THAT THE PRESIDENT

YES.
IS IT TRUE THAT THE PRESIDENT
IS 100 FEET TALL?

IS IT TRUE THAT THE PRESIDENT
IS 100 FEET TALL?
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!

IS 100 FEET TALL?
NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
IS THE PRESIDENT 90 FEET

NO! ABSOLUTELY NOT!
IS THE PRESIDENT 90 FEET
TALL?

IS THE PRESIDENT 90 FEET
TALL?
NO COMMENT.

TALL?
NO COMMENT.
MR. DENTON?

NO COMMENT.
MR. DENTON?
YES?

MR. DENTON?
YES?
WHILE THE CONSTITUTION DOES

YES?
WHILE THE CONSTITUTION DOES
NOT SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDE GIANTS

WHILE THE CONSTITUTION DOES
NOT SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDE GIANTS
AND BEHEMOTHS FROM THE

NOT SPECIFICALLY EXCLUDE GIANTS
AND BEHEMOTHS FROM THE
PRESIDENCY, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT

AND BEHEMOTHS FROM THE
PRESIDENCY, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT
MR. CARTER'S ENORMOUS SIZE

PRESIDENCY, IS IT NOT TRUE THAT
MR. CARTER'S ENORMOUS SIZE
REALLY VIOLATES THE SPIRIT OF...

MR. CARTER'S ENORMOUS SIZE
REALLY VIOLATES THE SPIRIT OF...
LOOK! THERE HE IS!

REALLY VIOLATES THE SPIRIT OF...
LOOK! THERE HE IS!
IT'S THE PRESIDENT!

LOOK! THERE HE IS!
IT'S THE PRESIDENT!
MR. PRESIDENT!

MR. PRESIDENT. PLEASE.
[Echoing] GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYBODY.

[Echoing] GOOD AFTERNOON,
EVERYBODY.
I'M AFRAID THAT SINCE THE ARMY

EVERYBODY.
I'M AFRAID THAT SINCE THE ARMY
CORPS OF ENGINEERS HAS NOT YET

I'M AFRAID THAT SINCE THE ARMY
CORPS OF ENGINEERS HAS NOT YET
FIT ME WITH A GIANT LOINCLOTH,

CORPS OF ENGINEERS HAS NOT YET
FIT ME WITH A GIANT LOINCLOTH,
I'LL HAVE TO ADDRESS YOU THROUGH

FIT ME WITH A GIANT LOINCLOTH,
I'LL HAVE TO ADDRESS YOU THROUGH
THIS WINDOW.

I'LL HAVE TO ADDRESS YOU THROUGH
THIS WINDOW.
FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT THIS

THIS WINDOW.
FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT THIS
EXPERIENCE DOES NOT CHANGE MY

FIRST, LET ME SAY THAT THIS
EXPERIENCE DOES NOT CHANGE MY
COMMITMENT TO NUCLEAR POWER.

EXPERIENCE DOES NOT CHANGE MY
COMMITMENT TO NUCLEAR POWER.
NOR DO I BELIEVE THAT MY

COMMITMENT TO NUCLEAR POWER.
NOR DO I BELIEVE THAT MY
ENORMOUS SIZE WILL IN ANY WAY

NOR DO I BELIEVE THAT MY
ENORMOUS SIZE WILL IN ANY WAY
LIMIT MY ABILITY TO PERFORM THE

ENORMOUS SIZE WILL IN ANY WAY
LIMIT MY ABILITY TO PERFORM THE
DUTIES OF MY OFFICE.

LIMIT MY ABILITY TO PERFORM THE
DUTIES OF MY OFFICE.
HOWEVER, THIS WILL MEAN SOME

DUTIES OF MY OFFICE.
HOWEVER, THIS WILL MEAN SOME
CHANGES IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.

HOWEVER, THIS WILL MEAN SOME
CHANGES IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.
ROSALYNN...

CHANGES IN MY PERSONAL LIFE.
ROSALYNN...
I HATE TO SPRING THIS ON YOU

ROSALYNN...
I HATE TO SPRING THIS ON YOU
THIS WAY, BUT I'D LIKE TO

I HATE TO SPRING THIS ON YOU
THIS WAY, BUT I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU ALL TO MY FUTURE

THIS WAY, BUT I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU ALL TO MY FUTURE
WIFE AND THE NEXT FIRST LADY.

INTRODUCE YOU ALL TO MY FUTURE
WIFE AND THE NEXT FIRST LADY.
SHE WAS A WIDOW AND, UNTIL

WIFE AND THE NEXT FIRST LADY.
SHE WAS A WIDOW AND, UNTIL
RECENTLY, A MAINTENANCE WORKER

SHE WAS A WIDOW AND, UNTIL
RECENTLY, A MAINTENANCE WORKER
HERE AT TWO MILE ISLAND.

RECENTLY, A MAINTENANCE WORKER
HERE AT TWO MILE ISLAND.
MS. VIOLET CRAWFORD.

HI, EVERYBODY.
AS FIRST LADY, I'D LIKE TO SAY I
HAVE NOTHING AGAINST NUCLEAR

AS FIRST LADY, I'D LIKE TO SAY I
HAVE NOTHING AGAINST NUCLEAR
POWER, HONEY.

HAVE NOTHING AGAINST NUCLEAR
POWER, HONEY.
IT'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER

POWER, HONEY.
IT'S THE BEST THING THAT EVER
HAPPENED TO ME.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

["SHAVE AND A HAIRCUT" KNOCK ON
DOOR]
HELLO, BRO. HOW'S IT GOING?

[DOOR]
HELLO, BRO. HOW'S IT GOING?
HE-E-E-E-E-Y!

HELLO, BRO. HOW'S IT GOING?
HE-E-E-E-E-Y!
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

HE-E-E-E-E-Y!
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
HEY! HOW'S MY BABY BROTHER?

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
HEY! HOW'S MY BABY BROTHER?
CASSIUS CLAY! WATCH OUT!

HEY! HOW'S MY BABY BROTHER?
CASSIUS CLAY! WATCH OUT!
WHERE IS IT?

CASSIUS CLAY! WATCH OUT!
WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?

WHERE IS IT?
WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
HERE IT IS... FULL CAN OF

WHERE IS IT? WHERE IS IT?
HERE IT IS... FULL CAN OF
BILLY BEER.

HERE IT IS... FULL CAN OF
BILLY BEER.
HEY!

BILLY BEER.
HEY!
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

HEY!
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
THE ONLY BEER COLLECTION IN THE

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
THE ONLY BEER COLLECTION IN THE
WHOLE WORLD WHERE THE BEER'S

THE ONLY BEER COLLECTION IN THE
WHOLE WORLD WHERE THE BEER'S
STILL IN IT.

WHOLE WORLD WHERE THE BEER'S
STILL IN IT.
THE ONLY BEER-CAN COLLECTION.

STILL IN IT.
THE ONLY BEER-CAN COLLECTION.
[LAUGHS]

THE ONLY BEER-CAN COLLECTION.
[LAUGHS]
HEY, IT GOES RIGHT HERE.

[LAUGHS]
HEY, IT GOES RIGHT HERE.
IT GOES RIGHT HERE BETWEEN THE

HEY, IT GOES RIGHT HERE.
IT GOES RIGHT HERE BETWEEN THE
BALLANTINE AND THE BUD.

IT GOES RIGHT HERE BETWEEN THE
BALLANTINE AND THE BUD.
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!

BALLANTINE AND THE BUD.
WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
HEY, THANKS.

WHOO! WHOO! WHOO!
HEY, THANKS.
THANKS, PIZZA FACE!

HEY, THANKS.
THANKS, PIZZA FACE!
DON'T MENTION IT, TURTLE...

THANKS, PIZZA FACE!
DON'T MENTION IT, TURTLE...
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?

DON'T MENTION IT, TURTLE...
WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OH, HEY!

WHAT HAPPENED HERE?
OH, HEY!
[LAUGHS]

OH, HEY!
[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE... YOU MAY...

[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE... YOU MAY...
HEY, HEY. WHOO-WHOO-WHOO.

YOU'RE... YOU MAY...
HEY, HEY. WHOO-WHOO-WHOO.
YOU MAY THINK THAT, BUT IT'S

HEY, HEY. WHOO-WHOO-WHOO.
YOU MAY THINK THAT, BUT IT'S
SNOT.

YOU MAY THINK THAT, BUT IT'S
SNOT.
OOH.

SNOT.
OOH.
OH, GOSH.

OOH.
OH, GOSH.
GREAT ONE.

OH, GOSH.
GREAT ONE.
LISA SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.

GREAT ONE.
LISA SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.
WHAT TIME IS IT?

LISA SHOULD BE HERE ANY SECOND.
WHAT TIME IS IT?
TWO FRECKLES PAST A HAIR.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
TWO FRECKLES PAST A HAIR.
[LAUGHS]

TWO FRECKLES PAST A HAIR.
[LAUGHS]
COME ON, COME ON.

[LAUGHS]
COME ON, COME ON.
I GOT TO KNOW A LOT OF STUFF

COME ON, COME ON.
I GOT TO KNOW A LOT OF STUFF
BEFORE SHE GETS HERE.

I GOT TO KNOW A LOT OF STUFF
BEFORE SHE GETS HERE.
HOW DO YOU DIM THE LIGHTS?

BEFORE SHE GETS HERE.
HOW DO YOU DIM THE LIGHTS?
HEY.

HOW DO YOU DIM THE LIGHTS?
HEY.
IS THE MATEUS CHILLED?

HEY.
IS THE MATEUS CHILLED?
IS THE CHUCK MANGIONE ALBUM

IS THE MATEUS CHILLED?
IS THE CHUCK MANGIONE ALBUM
HERE?

IS THE CHUCK MANGIONE ALBUM
HERE?
AND, UH, HOW DO YOU UNFOLD THE

HERE?
AND, UH, HOW DO YOU UNFOLD THE
BED?

AND, UH, HOW DO YOU UNFOLD THE
BED?
OKAY, OKAY.

BED?
OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GONNA DO

OKAY, OKAY.
WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GONNA DO
HERE IN THE APARTMENT, HUH?

WHAT EXACTLY ARE YOU GONNA DO
HERE IN THE APARTMENT, HUH?
THREE GUESSES, AND THE FIRST

HERE IN THE APARTMENT, HUH?
THREE GUESSES, AND THE FIRST
TWO DON'T COUNT.

THREE GUESSES, AND THE FIRST
TWO DON'T COUNT.
WHOO! WHOO!

TWO DON'T COUNT.
WHOO! WHOO!
HEY, HEY.

WHOO! WHOO!
HEY, HEY.
BECAUSE I PREFER YOU DIDN'T USE

HEY, HEY.
BECAUSE I PREFER YOU DIDN'T USE
THE STEREO.

BECAUSE I PREFER YOU DIDN'T USE
THE STEREO.
HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE STEREO.

THE STEREO.
HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE STEREO.
BUT IF YOU MUST... IF YOU MUST,

HEY, DON'T TOUCH THE STEREO.
BUT IF YOU MUST... IF YOU MUST,
USE THE STATIC-FREE CLOTH, OKAY?

BUT IF YOU MUST... IF YOU MUST,
USE THE STATIC-FREE CLOTH, OKAY?
I HATE YOU TOUCHING MY THINGS.

USE THE STATIC-FREE CLOTH, OKAY?
I HATE YOU TOUCHING MY THINGS.
I HATE IT.

I HATE YOU TOUCHING MY THINGS.
I HATE IT.
OH, COME ON. I'LL DO IT.

I HATE IT.
OH, COME ON. I'LL DO IT.
A DEAL'S A DEAL.

OH, COME ON. I'LL DO IT.
A DEAL'S A DEAL.
I GOT YOU THE BEER.

A DEAL'S A DEAL.
I GOT YOU THE BEER.
WHERE'S YOUR BRUT?

I GOT YOU THE BEER.
WHERE'S YOUR BRUT?
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THE BRUT?

WHERE'S YOUR BRUT?
ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THE BRUT?
OH, COME ON.

ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THE BRUT?
OH, COME ON.
SHE'LL GO NUTS IF SHE SMELLS

OH, COME ON.
SHE'LL GO NUTS IF SHE SMELLS
IT.

SHE'LL GO NUTS IF SHE SMELLS
IT.
YEAH.

IT.
YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PROTECTION?

YEAH.
DO YOU HAVE ANY PROTECTION?
WELL, IF SHE GETS TOO OUT OF

DO YOU HAVE ANY PROTECTION?
WELL, IF SHE GETS TOO OUT OF
CONTROL, I CAN CALL THE DOORMAN.

WELL, IF SHE GETS TOO OUT OF
CONTROL, I CAN CALL THE DOORMAN.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR

CONTROL, I CAN CALL THE DOORMAN.
ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR
THIS?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY FOR
THIS?
BECAUSE IF MY DIVORCE HAS TAUGHT

THIS?
BECAUSE IF MY DIVORCE HAS TAUGHT
ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT THERE'S

BECAUSE IF MY DIVORCE HAS TAUGHT
ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT THERE'S
MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN JUST

ME ANYTHING, IT'S THAT THERE'S
MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN JUST
ANIMAL NEED.

MORE TO A RELATIONSHIP THAN JUST
ANIMAL NEED.
WITH ARLENE, IT WAS ONE THING

ANIMAL NEED.
WITH ARLENE, IT WAS ONE THING
ONLY... PURE SEX.

WITH ARLENE, IT WAS ONE THING
ONLY... PURE SEX.
WHERE IS ARLENE, ANYWAY?

ONLY... PURE SEX.
WHERE IS ARLENE, ANYWAY?
YOU GOT HER PHONE NUMBER WITH

WHERE IS ARLENE, ANYWAY?
YOU GOT HER PHONE NUMBER WITH
YOU?

YOU GOT HER PHONE NUMBER WITH
YOU?
I'LL IGNORE THAT.

YOU?
I'LL IGNORE THAT.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

I'LL IGNORE THAT.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
HEY, HEY.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
HEY, HEY.
I'LL GET THAT.

HEY, HEY.
I'LL GET THAT.
OKAY.

HELLO, LISA.
ENTREZ.
HELLO, TODD.

MILT.
YEAH?
YOU REMEMBER LISA LOOPNER,

YEAH?
YOU REMEMBER LISA LOOPNER,
DON'T YOU?

YOU REMEMBER LISA LOOPNER,
DON'T YOU?
OH, I KNOW MILT.

DON'T YOU?
OH, I KNOW MILT.
HELLO, MILT.

OH, I KNOW MILT.
HELLO, MILT.
HELLO, LISA.

HELLO, MILT.
HELLO, LISA.
W-W-WELCOME TO MY PAD.

HELLO, LISA.
W-W-WELCOME TO MY PAD.
HAVE A SEAT.

W-W-WELCOME TO MY PAD.
HAVE A SEAT.
THANKS, MILT.

HAVE A SEAT.
THANKS, MILT.
IS THAT THE SAME COLD YOU HAD

THANKS, MILT.
IS THAT THE SAME COLD YOU HAD
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?

IS THAT THE SAME COLD YOU HAD
THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
OR IS IT A DIFFERENT ONE?

THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU?
OR IS IT A DIFFERENT ONE?
NO, IT'S MY ALLERGIES!

OR IS IT A DIFFERENT ONE?
NO, IT'S MY ALLERGIES!
IT'S SPRING, SO THEY'RE

NO, IT'S MY ALLERGIES!
IT'S SPRING, SO THEY'RE
ESPECIALLY WORSE.

IT'S SPRING, SO THEY'RE
ESPECIALLY WORSE.
OH.

ESPECIALLY WORSE.
OH.
[GROANS]

OH.
[GROANS]
AAH!

[GROANS]
AAH!
AAAAAAAAAAH!

AAH!
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAH!

AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAH!

AAAAAAAAAAH!
AAH!
PUT IT IN HERE!

AAH!
PUT IT IN HERE!
PUT IT IN THIS ZIPLOCK BAG!

PUT IT IN HERE!
PUT IT IN THIS ZIPLOCK BAG!
COME ON, PUT IT IN HERE.

PUT IT IN THIS ZIPLOCK BAG!
COME ON, PUT IT IN HERE.
LITTERBUGS ARE MY PET PEEVE.

COME ON, PUT IT IN HERE.
LITTERBUGS ARE MY PET PEEVE.
OH, WELL, MY PET PEEVE IS

LITTERBUGS ARE MY PET PEEVE.
OH, WELL, MY PET PEEVE IS
PEOPLE WITH PET PEEVES!

OH, WELL, MY PET PEEVE IS
PEOPLE WITH PET PEEVES!
OH, YEAH?

PEOPLE WITH PET PEEVES!
OH, YEAH?
OH, YEAH?

OH, YEAH?
OH, YEAH?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A BRAIN.

OH, YEAH?
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A BRAIN.
HOW ABOUT THIS FACT...

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE A BRAIN.
HOW ABOUT THIS FACT...
GEORGE WASHINGTON HAD WOODEN

HOW ABOUT THIS FACT...
GEORGE WASHINGTON HAD WOODEN
TEETH.

GEORGE WASHINGTON HAD WOODEN
TEETH.
HOW DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

TEETH.
HOW DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
DID YOU KNOW THAT?

HOW DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!

DID YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
FACT... THERE IS NO WHITE

KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
FACT... THERE IS NO WHITE
MEAT ON A GOOSE.

FACT... THERE IS NO WHITE
MEAT ON A GOOSE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT?

MEAT ON A GOOSE.
DO YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!

DO YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
FACT... IF A FROG'S MOUTH IS

KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
FACT... IF A FROG'S MOUTH IS
OPEN TOO LONG, IT WILL

FACT... IF A FROG'S MOUTH IS
OPEN TOO LONG, IT WILL
SUFFOCATE.

OPEN TOO LONG, IT WILL
SUFFOCATE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?

SUFFOCATE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!

DID YOU KNOW THAT?
KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
YEAH.

KNEW IT! KNEW IT!
YEAH.
MILT...

YEAH.
MILT...
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE AN

MILT...
WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE AN
AMOEBA AND SPLIT.

WHY DON'T YOU MAKE LIKE AN
AMOEBA AND SPLIT.
OKAY, OKAY. HEY.

AMOEBA AND SPLIT.
OKAY, OKAY. HEY.
BYE, MILT.

OKAY, OKAY. HEY.
BYE, MILT.
BYE.

BYE, MILT.
BYE.
BYE, PIZZA FACE.

BYE.
BYE, PIZZA FACE.
HEY, DON'T DO ANYTHING I

BYE, PIZZA FACE.
HEY, DON'T DO ANYTHING I
WOULDN'T DO, AND IF YOU DO, NAME

HEY, DON'T DO ANYTHING I
WOULDN'T DO, AND IF YOU DO, NAME
IT AFTER ME!

WOULDN'T DO, AND IF YOU DO, NAME
IT AFTER ME!
ARR! ARR! ARR!

IT AFTER ME!
ARR! ARR! ARR!
GREAT ONE, MILT.

ARR! ARR! ARR!
GREAT ONE, MILT.
WATCH THE NOOGIES!

GREAT ONE, MILT.
WATCH THE NOOGIES!
OH, NOOGIES!

WATCH THE NOOGIES!
OH, NOOGIES!
ALL RIGHT.

[CLICK]
[CHUCK MANGIONE MUSIC PLAYS]

OKAY, TODD, WHAT WAS SO
IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAD TO TALK
TO ME ABOUT?

IMPORTANT THAT YOU HAD TO TALK
TO ME ABOUT?
FIRST, LET ME TOAST YOUR

TO ME ABOUT?
FIRST, LET ME TOAST YOUR
PULCHRITUDE.

FIRST, LET ME TOAST YOUR
PULCHRITUDE.
MY WHAT?

PULCHRITUDE.
MY WHAT?
HERE, JUST DRINK THIS, OKAY?

MY WHAT?
HERE, JUST DRINK THIS, OKAY?
SKOL.

HERE, JUST DRINK THIS, OKAY?
SKOL.
AH, IT TASTES GOOD.

SKOL.
AH, IT TASTES GOOD.
WHAT IS IT?

AH, IT TASTES GOOD.
WHAT IS IT?
MATEUS... SPARKLING ROSé.

WHAT IS IT?
MATEUS... SPARKLING ROSé.
I THINK YOU'LL AGREE IT'S AN

MATEUS... SPARKLING ROSé.
I THINK YOU'LL AGREE IT'S AN
AMUSING LITTLE WINE, MY PETIT

I THINK YOU'LL AGREE IT'S AN
AMUSING LITTLE WINE, MY PETIT
CHOU-CHOU.

AMUSING LITTLE WINE, MY PETIT
CHOU-CHOU.
TODD!

CHOU-CHOU.
TODD!
ARE YOU OKAY?

TODD!
ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M NOT SICK, BUT I AM HOT...

ARE YOU OKAY?
I'M NOT SICK, BUT I AM HOT...
FOR YOU.

I'M NOT SICK, BUT I AM HOT...
FOR YOU.
TODD!

FOR YOU.
TODD!
DON'T... DON'T SIT SO CLOSE TO

TODD!
DON'T... DON'T SIT SO CLOSE TO
ME!

DON'T... DON'T SIT SO CLOSE TO
ME!
[SNORTS]

ME!
[SNORTS]
WHAT IS THAT [SNIFFS]

[SNORTS]
WHAT IS THAT [SNIFFS]
BEWITCHING SCENT YOU'RE WEARING?

WHAT IS THAT [SNIFFS]
BEWITCHING SCENT YOU'RE WEARING?
VICKS VapoRUB.

IT'S MENTHOLATED.
EVEN I CAN SMELL IT.
IT'S HAUNTING.

EVEN I CAN SMELL IT.
IT'S HAUNTING.
I'LL NEVER FORGET IT.

TODD, WHY ARE YOU STARING AT
ME?
DRINK UP, BABY.

ME?
DRINK UP, BABY.
HERE WE ARE.

DRINK UP, BABY.
HERE WE ARE.
LISA, I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK

HERE WE ARE.
LISA, I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I MAY BE IN

LISA, I'M NOT SURE, BUT I THINK
IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I MAY BE IN
LOVE WITH YOU.

IT'S POSSIBLE THAT I MAY BE IN
LOVE WITH YOU.
COME ON, TO...

LOVE WITH YOU.
COME ON, TO...
OKAY, ALL OF IT, NOW.

AND, UH, TO FIND OUT IF I'M
DEFINITELY RIGHT, I'M GONNA NEED
YOUR FULL COOPERATION.

[GURGLES]

[LAUGHING, SNORTING]

TODD!
BUT, TODD!
TODD, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A

BUT, TODD!
TODD, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A
SHADOW OVER OUR LOVE.

TODD, DON'T YOU KNOW THERE'S A
SHADOW OVER OUR LOVE.
IT'S MY CAREER.

SHADOW OVER OUR LOVE.
IT'S MY CAREER.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU TILL I FINISH

IT'S MY CAREER.
I CAN'T MARRY YOU TILL I FINISH
COLLEGE AND BECOME AN

I CAN'T MARRY YOU TILL I FINISH
COLLEGE AND BECOME AN
ESTABLISHED CONCERT PIANIST AND

COLLEGE AND BECOME AN
ESTABLISHED CONCERT PIANIST AND
THE FIRST FEMALE OPEN-HEART

ESTABLISHED CONCERT PIANIST AND
THE FIRST FEMALE OPEN-HEART
SURGEON.

THE FIRST FEMALE OPEN-HEART
SURGEON.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

SURGEON.
I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
I'LL WAIT FOR THESE, TOO.

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.
I'LL WAIT FOR THESE, TOO.
LISA, I'LL WAIT FOR THE THREE OF

I'LL WAIT FOR THESE, TOO.
LISA, I'LL WAIT FOR THE THREE OF
YOU.

LISA, I'LL WAIT FOR THE THREE OF
YOU.
BUT IN ORDER TO TIDE ME OVER

YOU.
BUT IN ORDER TO TIDE ME OVER
WHILE I'M WAITING, PERHAPS A

BUT IN ORDER TO TIDE ME OVER
WHILE I'M WAITING, PERHAPS A
SAMPLE OF WHAT I'M WAITING FOR.

WHILE I'M WAITING, PERHAPS A
SAMPLE OF WHAT I'M WAITING FOR.
CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE.

SAMPLE OF WHAT I'M WAITING FOR.
CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE.
[SNORTS]

CUT IT OUT, PIZZA FACE.
[SNORTS]
LISA...

[SNORTS]
LISA...
MAKE ME HAPPY.

LISA...
MAKE ME HAPPY.
I CAN SEE YOUR NOSE HAIR.

MAKE ME HAPPY.
I CAN SEE YOUR NOSE HAIR.
NO! STOP!

I CAN SEE YOUR NOSE HAIR.
NO! STOP!
STOP! THAT TICKLES!

NO! STOP!
STOP! THAT TICKLES!
CUT IT OUT!

STOP! THAT TICKLES!
CUT IT OUT!
STOP IT!

CUT IT OUT!
STOP IT!
OW!

STOP IT!
OW!
DON'T BE A TEASE, LISA.

OW!
DON'T BE A TEASE, LISA.
YOU KNOW, IT CAN BE VERY PAINFUL

DON'T BE A TEASE, LISA.
YOU KNOW, IT CAN BE VERY PAINFUL
FOR A MAN.

YOU KNOW, IT CAN BE VERY PAINFUL
FOR A MAN.
YOU KNOW, FROM UP CLOSE, YOUR

FOR A MAN.
YOU KNOW, FROM UP CLOSE, YOUR
SKIN ISN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT.

YOU KNOW, FROM UP CLOSE, YOUR
SKIN ISN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT.
THANK YOU, DARLING.

SKIN ISN'T AS BAD AS I THOUGHT.
THANK YOU, DARLING.
♪ MONA LISA ♪

THANK YOU, DARLING.
♪ MONA LISA ♪
♪ LISA LOOPNER ♪

♪ MONA LISA ♪
♪ LISA LOOPNER ♪
♪ DiLaMUCA ♪

♪ LISA LOOPNER ♪
♪ DiLaMUCA ♪
♪ MONA LISA ♪

♪ DiLaMUCA ♪
♪ MONA LISA ♪
♪ JE T'AIME ♪

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
[GRUNTS]
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

MOM!
UM, YOU'RE EARLY!
WELL, MY PARENTS WITHOUT

UM, YOU'RE EARLY!
WELL, MY PARENTS WITHOUT
PARTNERS MEETING WAS CANCELED.

WELL, MY PARENTS WITHOUT
PARTNERS MEETING WAS CANCELED.
YAY!

PARTNERS MEETING WAS CANCELED.
YAY!
TODD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!

YAY!
TODD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
OH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.

TODD! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
OH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.
UH, I-I DROPPED MY SLIDE RULE

OH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.
UH, I-I DROPPED MY SLIDE RULE
DOWN HERE IN THE CASTRO

UH, I-I DROPPED MY SLIDE RULE
DOWN HERE IN THE CASTRO
CONVERTIBLE, AND I WAS

DOWN HERE IN THE CASTRO
CONVERTIBLE, AND I WAS
LOOKING... TRYING TO GET IT.

CONVERTIBLE, AND I WAS
LOOKING... TRYING TO GET IT.
I SMELL SOMETHING FISHY IN

LOOKING... TRYING TO GET IT.
I SMELL SOMETHING FISHY IN
THE STATE OF DENMARK.

I SMELL SOMETHING FISHY IN
THE STATE OF DENMARK.
I REALIZE I FORGOT TO SHOW

THE STATE OF DENMARK.
I REALIZE I FORGOT TO SHOW
YOU HOW TO USE THE... BED.

I REALIZE I FORGOT TO SHOW
YOU HOW TO USE THE... BED.
OH!

YOU HOW TO USE THE... BED.
OH!
UH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.

OH!
UH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.
HELLO, MILTON.

UH, HELLO, MS. LOOPNER.
HELLO, MILTON.
I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME MONKEY

HELLO, MILTON.
I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME MONKEY
BUSINESS GOING ON IN YOUR

I THINK THERE'S BEEN SOME MONKEY
BUSINESS GOING ON IN YOUR
APARTMENT.

BUSINESS GOING ON IN YOUR
APARTMENT.
GEE, THAT'S AN ATTRACTIVE

APARTMENT.
GEE, THAT'S AN ATTRACTIVE
COAT YOU'VE GOT THERE,

GEE, THAT'S AN ATTRACTIVE
COAT YOU'VE GOT THERE,
MS. LOOPNER.

COAT YOU'VE GOT THERE,
MS. LOOPNER.
IS MY LITTLE GIRL INTACT?

MS. LOOPNER.
IS MY LITTLE GIRL INTACT?
OH, MOM, I'M NOT SPOILED.

IS MY LITTLE GIRL INTACT?
OH, MOM, I'M NOT SPOILED.
I'M JUST MORE RELAXED.

OH, MOM, I'M NOT SPOILED.
I'M JUST MORE RELAXED.
[SNORTS]

I'M JUST MORE RELAXED.
[SNORTS]
YOU KNOW, KIDS, A YOUNG

[SNORTS]
YOU KNOW, KIDS, A YOUNG
WOMAN'S VIRGINITY IS A LOT LIKE

YOU KNOW, KIDS, A YOUNG
WOMAN'S VIRGINITY IS A LOT LIKE
A HARD-BOILED EGG... IT'S SAFE

WOMAN'S VIRGINITY IS A LOT LIKE
A HARD-BOILED EGG... IT'S SAFE
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT COLD, IN

A HARD-BOILED EGG... IT'S SAFE
AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT COLD, IN
THE NORGE, IN ITS SHELL.

AS LONG AS YOU KEEP IT COLD, IN
THE NORGE, IN ITS SHELL.
THE SECOND IT CRACKS OPEN AND

THE NORGE, IN ITS SHELL.
THE SECOND IT CRACKS OPEN AND
THE MAYONNAISE GETS IN, IT COULD

THE SECOND IT CRACKS OPEN AND
THE MAYONNAISE GETS IN, IT COULD
GO ROTTEN, ESPECIALLY AT ROOM

THE MAYONNAISE GETS IN, IT COULD
GO ROTTEN, ESPECIALLY AT ROOM
TEMPERATURE.

GO ROTTEN, ESPECIALLY AT ROOM
TEMPERATURE.
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SAY

TEMPERATURE.
WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SAY
"HOLD THE MAYO"?

WHY DO YOU THINK THEY SAY
"HOLD THE MAYO"?
[LAUGHS]

"HOLD THE MAYO"?
[LAUGHS]
LET ME REASSURE YOU,

[LAUGHS]
LET ME REASSURE YOU,
MS. LOOPNER, IT NEVER EVEN GOT

LET ME REASSURE YOU,
MS. LOOPNER, IT NEVER EVEN GOT
CLOSE TO THE MAYONNAISE STAGE.

MS. LOOPNER, IT NEVER EVEN GOT
CLOSE TO THE MAYONNAISE STAGE.
I KNOW YOU'RE SORRY, TODD.

CLOSE TO THE MAYONNAISE STAGE.
I KNOW YOU'RE SORRY, TODD.
YOU CAN'T HELP BEING A SCORPIO

I KNOW YOU'RE SORRY, TODD.
YOU CAN'T HELP BEING A SCORPIO
WITH HORMONES RISING.

YOU CAN'T HELP BEING A SCORPIO
WITH HORMONES RISING.
YEAH.

WITH HORMONES RISING.
YEAH.
NOW, WHO'S FOR SOME

YEAH.
NOW, WHO'S FOR SOME
ARTHUR TREACHER'S FISH & CHIPS?

NOW, WHO'S FOR SOME
ARTHUR TREACHER'S FISH & CHIPS?
All: OH, ME!

ARTHUR TREACHER'S FISH & CHIPS?
All: OH, ME!
MY TREAT, KIDS! MY TREAT!

All: OH, ME!
MY TREAT, KIDS! MY TREAT!
All: THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER!

MY TREAT, KIDS! MY TREAT!
All: THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER!
FACT... DID YOU KNOW THAT THE

All: THANK YOU, MRS. LOOPNER!
FACT... DID YOU KNOW THAT THE
PEANUT IS NEITHER A PEA NOR A

FACT... DID YOU KNOW THAT THE
PEANUT IS NEITHER A PEA NOR A
NUT?

PEANUT IS NEITHER A PEA NOR A
NUT?
IT'S A BEAN. DID YOU KNOW THAT?

NUT?
IT'S A BEAN. DID YOU KNOW THAT?
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN WASHINGTON YESTERDAY, THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN WASHINGTON YESTERDAY, THE
NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION

IN WASHINGTON YESTERDAY, THE
NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION
SAID THAT THE VIOLATIONS ON

NUCLEAR REGULATORY COMMISSION
SAID THAT THE VIOLATIONS ON
THREE MILE ISLAND COULD COST THE

SAID THAT THE VIOLATIONS ON
THREE MILE ISLAND COULD COST THE
METROPOLITAN EDISON COMPANY ITS

THREE MILE ISLAND COULD COST THE
METROPOLITAN EDISON COMPANY ITS
LICENSE TO OPERATE ANY ATOMIC

METROPOLITAN EDISON COMPANY ITS
LICENSE TO OPERATE ANY ATOMIC
FACILITY.

LICENSE TO OPERATE ANY ATOMIC
FACILITY.
"THE UTILITY WILL FIGHT ANY SUCH

FACILITY.
"THE UTILITY WILL FIGHT ANY SUCH
ACTION BY THE NRC," WAS THE

"THE UTILITY WILL FIGHT ANY SUCH
ACTION BY THE NRC," WAS THE
REPLY GIVEN IN MIDDLETOWN BY A

ACTION BY THE NRC," WAS THE
REPLY GIVEN IN MIDDLETOWN BY A
COMPANY SPOKESMUTANT.

REPLY GIVEN IN MIDDLETOWN BY A
COMPANY SPOKESMUTANT.
HE ADDED THAT IT COULD ALWAYS GO

COMPANY SPOKESMUTANT.
HE ADDED THAT IT COULD ALWAYS GO
INTO BUSINESS SELLING COWS AS

HE ADDED THAT IT COULD ALWAYS GO
INTO BUSINESS SELLING COWS AS
READING LAMPS.

INTO BUSINESS SELLING COWS AS
READING LAMPS.
MEANWHILE, THE PROBLEM INSIDE

READING LAMPS.
MEANWHILE, THE PROBLEM INSIDE
THE REACTOR REMAINS UNRESOLVED.

MEANWHILE, THE PROBLEM INSIDE
THE REACTOR REMAINS UNRESOLVED.
WHILE THE HYDROGEN BUBBLE

THE REACTOR REMAINS UNRESOLVED.
WHILE THE HYDROGEN BUBBLE
CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE URANIUM

WHILE THE HYDROGEN BUBBLE
CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE URANIUM
RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE CORE IS

CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE URANIUM
RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE CORE IS
STILL HOT, AND RADIATION IS

RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE CORE IS
STILL HOT, AND RADIATION IS
STILL LEAKING.

STILL HOT, AND RADIATION IS
STILL LEAKING.
METROPOLITAN EDISON ANNOUNCED IT

STILL LEAKING.
METROPOLITAN EDISON ANNOUNCED IT
WANTS THE NAMES OF ANYONE

METROPOLITAN EDISON ANNOUNCED IT
WANTS THE NAMES OF ANYONE
EXPOSED TO THE LEAKAGE SO IT CAN

WANTS THE NAMES OF ANYONE
EXPOSED TO THE LEAKAGE SO IT CAN
BILL THEM FOR THE RADIATION

EXPOSED TO THE LEAKAGE SO IT CAN
BILL THEM FOR THE RADIATION
TREATMENTS.

BILL THEM FOR THE RADIATION
TREATMENTS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE

TREATMENTS.
AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE
CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY

AND IN A RELATED STORY, THE
CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY
COMMISSION HAS TOLD A SENATE

CONSUMER PRODUCT SAFETY
COMMISSION HAS TOLD A SENATE
SUBCOMMITTEE THAT SOME PORTABLE

COMMISSION HAS TOLD A SENATE
SUBCOMMITTEE THAT SOME PORTABLE
HAIR-DRYERS POSE A RISK OF

SUBCOMMITTEE THAT SOME PORTABLE
HAIR-DRYERS POSE A RISK OF
CANCER-CAUSING POLLUTION.

HAIR-DRYERS POSE A RISK OF
CANCER-CAUSING POLLUTION.
AS YOU CAN SEE, AS THE HYDROGEN

CANCER-CAUSING POLLUTION.
AS YOU CAN SEE, AS THE HYDROGEN
BUBBLE CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE

AS YOU CAN SEE, AS THE HYDROGEN
BUBBLE CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE
URANIUM RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE

BUBBLE CONTINUES TO SHRINK, THE
URANIUM RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE
CORE IS STILL HOT, AND RADIATION

URANIUM RODS REMAIN DAMAGED, THE
CORE IS STILL HOT, AND RADIATION
IS STILL LEAKING.

CORE IS STILL HOT, AND RADIATION
IS STILL LEAKING.
BILL?

IS STILL LEAKING.
BILL?
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE WORLD,

BILL?
MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE WORLD,
THE SOVIET UNION, FEARING THE

MEANWHILE, ACROSS THE WORLD,
THE SOVIET UNION, FEARING THE
SPREAD OF WESTERN RADIOACTIVITY,

THE SOVIET UNION, FEARING THE
SPREAD OF WESTERN RADIOACTIVITY,
HAS TORN DOWN THE IRON CURTAIN

SPREAD OF WESTERN RADIOACTIVITY,
HAS TORN DOWN THE IRON CURTAIN
AND REPLACED IT WITH A LEAD ONE.

HAS TORN DOWN THE IRON CURTAIN
AND REPLACED IT WITH A LEAD ONE.
TONIGHT, "WEEKEND UPDATE"

AND REPLACED IT WITH A LEAD ONE.
TONIGHT, "WEEKEND UPDATE"
PRESENTS THE FIRST OF A

TONIGHT, "WEEKEND UPDATE"
PRESENTS THE FIRST OF A
THREE-PART SERIES ON THE

PRESENTS THE FIRST OF A
THREE-PART SERIES ON THE
BASEBALL COMEBACK THAT HAS

THREE-PART SERIES ON THE
BASEBALL COMEBACK THAT HAS
GAINED NATIONAL INTEREST.

BASEBALL COMEBACK THAT HAS
GAINED NATIONAL INTEREST.
THE STORY WAS FILED BY A

GAINED NATIONAL INTEREST.
THE STORY WAS FILED BY A
FAVORITE REPORTER OF MINE.

THE STORY WAS FILED BY A
FAVORITE REPORTER OF MINE.
LET'S GO NOW TO THE FILM

FAVORITE REPORTER OF MINE.
LET'S GO NOW TO THE FILM
HIGHLIGHTS.

LET'S GO NOW TO THE FILM
HIGHLIGHTS.
NEW YORK METS, 1973

HIGHLIGHTS.
NEW YORK METS, 1973
NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS.

NEW YORK METS, 1973
NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS.
HUGGINS-STENGEL FIELD,

NATIONAL LEAGUE CHAMPIONS.
HUGGINS-STENGEL FIELD,
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA.

HUGGINS-STENGEL FIELD,
ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA.
THE LOCKER ROOM OF THE NEW YORK

ST. PETERSBURG, FLORIDA.
THE LOCKER ROOM OF THE NEW YORK
METS.

THE LOCKER ROOM OF THE NEW YORK
METS.
IT'S EMPTY NOW, BUT THERE'S A

METS.
IT'S EMPTY NOW, BUT THERE'S A
STORY HERE... A STORY THAT'S AS

IT'S EMPTY NOW, BUT THERE'S A
STORY HERE... A STORY THAT'S AS
BIG AS SPRING ITSELF.

STORY HERE... A STORY THAT'S AS
BIG AS SPRING ITSELF.
CHICO ESCUELA, NUMBER 5.

BIG AS SPRING ITSELF.
CHICO ESCUELA, NUMBER 5.
CINCO.

CHICO ESCUELA, NUMBER 5.
CINCO.
FOR NINE YEARS, AN ALL-STAR

CINCO.
FOR NINE YEARS, AN ALL-STAR
SECOND BASEMAN WITH THE METS,

FOR NINE YEARS, AN ALL-STAR
SECOND BASEMAN WITH THE METS,
AND NOW ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT OF

SECOND BASEMAN WITH THE METS,
AND NOW ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT OF
HIS LIFE TO MAKE A COMEBACK AT

AND NOW ENGAGED IN THE FIGHT OF
HIS LIFE TO MAKE A COMEBACK AT
THE AGE OF 41.

HIS LIFE TO MAKE A COMEBACK AT
THE AGE OF 41.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO COME BACK?

THE AGE OF 41.
WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO COME BACK?
WHY HAVE YOU DONE IT?

WHY ARE YOU TRYING TO COME BACK?
WHY HAVE YOU DONE IT?
[Hispanic accent] BASEBALL

WHY HAVE YOU DONE IT?
[Hispanic accent] BASEBALL
BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.

[Hispanic accent] BASEBALL
BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.
CHICO TRY ONE MORE...

BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO ME.
CHICO TRY ONE MORE...
AGAIN.

CHICO TRY ONE MORE...
AGAIN.
CHIC, YOU GAVE UP A

AGAIN.
CHIC, YOU GAVE UP A
$50,000-A-YEAR JOB ON THE

CHIC, YOU GAVE UP A
$50,000-A-YEAR JOB ON THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" SPORTS DESK.

$50,000-A-YEAR JOB ON THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" SPORTS DESK.
YOU CASHED IN YOUR

"WEEKEND UPDATE" SPORTS DESK.
YOU CASHED IN YOUR
LIFE-INSURANCE POLICIES, AND

YOU CASHED IN YOUR
LIFE-INSURANCE POLICIES, AND
YOU'VE LIQUIDATED YOUR

LIFE-INSURANCE POLICIES, AND
YOU'VE LIQUIDATED YOUR
CHILDREN'S TRUST FUNDS TO

YOU'VE LIQUIDATED YOUR
CHILDREN'S TRUST FUNDS TO
FINANCE THIS...

CHILDREN'S TRUST FUNDS TO
FINANCE THIS...
BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO

FINANCE THIS...
BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.

BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.
WIFE BEEN VE-E-E-RY, VERY GOOD

ME.
WIFE BEEN VE-E-E-RY, VERY GOOD
TO ME.

YOU'VE GOT A LOT AT STAKE
HERE.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?

HERE.
DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?
IF CHICO WORK HARD, VERY,

DO YOU THINK YOU CAN MAKE IT?
IF CHICO WORK HARD, VERY,
VERY HARD, CHICO MAKE TEAM.

IF CHICO WORK HARD, VERY,
VERY HARD, CHICO MAKE TEAM.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO

VERY HARD, CHICO MAKE TEAM.
WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO
WORK FOR.

WELL, THERE'S SOMETHING TO
WORK FOR.
GOOD LUCK, FELLA.

WORK FOR.
GOOD LUCK, FELLA.
MOST METS HAD BEST WISHES

GOOD LUCK, FELLA.
MOST METS HAD BEST WISHES
FOR THE DIMINUTIVE

MOST METS HAD BEST WISHES
FOR THE DIMINUTIVE
DOMINICAN REPUBLICAN.

FOR THE DIMINUTIVE
DOMINICAN REPUBLICAN.
OTHERS WERE STILL MIFFED ABOUT

DOMINICAN REPUBLICAN.
OTHERS WERE STILL MIFFED ABOUT
THE BOOK CHICO WROTE AFTER HE

OTHERS WERE STILL MIFFED ABOUT
THE BOOK CHICO WROTE AFTER HE
RETIRED IN 1973... A DETAILED

THE BOOK CHICO WROTE AFTER HE
RETIRED IN 1973... A DETAILED
ACCOUNT THAT MADE PUBLIC THE

RETIRED IN 1973... A DETAILED
ACCOUNT THAT MADE PUBLIC THE
MOST INTIMATE ASPECTS OF THE

ACCOUNT THAT MADE PUBLIC THE
MOST INTIMATE ASPECTS OF THE
PLAYERS' PERSONAL LIVES AND

MOST INTIMATE ASPECTS OF THE
PLAYERS' PERSONAL LIVES AND
EXPOSED THE SEAMY UNDERBELLY OF

PLAYERS' PERSONAL LIVES AND
EXPOSED THE SEAMY UNDERBELLY OF
MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL.

JUST HOW MIFFED?

NELLY BRILES.

I CAN'T FORGIVE HIM FOR THAT.

STEVE HENDERSON.

AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

CHICO CAN JUST PACK HIS BAGS

NOW.

UNDER THE HOT FLORIDA SUN,
THE BOYS OF SUMMER STARTED
SPRING TRAINING SHOULDER TO

THE BOYS OF SUMMER STARTED
SPRING TRAINING SHOULDER TO
SHOULDER WITH THE SCRAPPY,

SPRING TRAINING SHOULDER TO
SHOULDER WITH THE SCRAPPY,
GRINNING LATINO.

SHOULDER WITH THE SCRAPPY,
GRINNING LATINO.
CHICO ESCUELA HAD TWO OBSTACLES

GRINNING LATINO.
CHICO ESCUELA HAD TWO OBSTACLES
TO CLEAR... FIRST, TO WRING OUT

CHICO ESCUELA HAD TWO OBSTACLES
TO CLEAR... FIRST, TO WRING OUT
WHATEVER BASEBALL WAS LEFT IN

TO CLEAR... FIRST, TO WRING OUT
WHATEVER BASEBALL WAS LEFT IN
THAT 41-YEAR-OLD BODY...

WHATEVER BASEBALL WAS LEFT IN
THAT 41-YEAR-OLD BODY...
AND SECOND, TO WIN BACK THE

THAT 41-YEAR-OLD BODY...
AND SECOND, TO WIN BACK THE
AFFECTION OF HIS FORMER

AND SECOND, TO WIN BACK THE
AFFECTION OF HIS FORMER
TEAMMATES WHOM HE STABBED IN THE

AFFECTION OF HIS FORMER
TEAMMATES WHOM HE STABBED IN THE
BACK BY SELLING OUT TO A SLEAZY

TEAMMATES WHOM HE STABBED IN THE
BACK BY SELLING OUT TO A SLEAZY
PUBLISHING HOUSE FOR A FAST

BACK BY SELLING OUT TO A SLEAZY
PUBLISHING HOUSE FOR A FAST
BUCK.

PUBLISHING HOUSE FOR A FAST
BUCK.
SPRING TRAINING IS A TIME WHEN

BUCK.
SPRING TRAINING IS A TIME WHEN
EVERY TEAM IS A PENNANT WINNER,

SPRING TRAINING IS A TIME WHEN
EVERY TEAM IS A PENNANT WINNER,
EVERY BATTER'S A 300 HITTER...

EVERY TEAM IS A PENNANT WINNER,
EVERY BATTER'S A 300 HITTER...
A TIME OF HOPE IN LOOKING

EVERY BATTER'S A 300 HITTER...
A TIME OF HOPE IN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THE LONG SEASON

A TIME OF HOPE IN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THE LONG SEASON
AHEAD.

FORWARD TO THE LONG SEASON
AHEAD.
BUT HERE IN ST. PETERSBURG, A

AHEAD.
BUT HERE IN ST. PETERSBURG, A
GROUP OF MEN WHO SEEM BETRAYED,

BUT HERE IN ST. PETERSBURG, A
GROUP OF MEN WHO SEEM BETRAYED,
EXPRESSIONS THAT THIS REPORTER

GROUP OF MEN WHO SEEM BETRAYED,
EXPRESSIONS THAT THIS REPORTER
INTERPRETED AS SAYING, "ET TU,

EXPRESSIONS THAT THIS REPORTER
INTERPRETED AS SAYING, "ET TU,
CHICE?"

INTERPRETED AS SAYING, "ET TU,
CHICE?"
LATIN FOR "YOU TOO, CHICO?"

ED. ED KRANEPOOL.

YOU DIDN'T SEEM VERY EXCITED TO

SEE CHICO ESCUELA.

WHAT GIVES?

WELL, YOU KNOW, CHICO WAS A

PRETTY GOOD PLAYER FOR US IN '69

AND '73, BUT THAT BOOK HE WROTE,

A COUPLE OF US GOT HURT PRETTY

BADLY BY IT.

HE SHOULDN'T HAVE WROTE IT.

THE BOOK IN QUESTION...
"BAD STUFF 'BOUT THE METS"...
CHICO ESCUELA.

"BAD STUFF 'BOUT THE METS"...
CHICO ESCUELA.
IN IT, CHICO HAS SOME

CHICO ESCUELA.
IN IT, CHICO HAS SOME
INTERESTING COMMENTS ABOUT HIS

IN IT, CHICO HAS SOME
INTERESTING COMMENTS ABOUT HIS
FORMER TEAMMATES.

INTERESTING COMMENTS ABOUT HIS
FORMER TEAMMATES.
"TOM SEAVER... ALWAYS TAKE UP

FORMER TEAMMATES.
"TOM SEAVER... ALWAYS TAKE UP
TWO PARKING PLACES."

"TOM SEAVER... ALWAYS TAKE UP
TWO PARKING PLACES."
THAT'S A LIE.

TWO PARKING PLACES."
THAT'S A LIE.
"YOGI BERRA... VERY, VERY BAD

THAT'S A LIE.
"YOGI BERRA... VERY, VERY BAD
CARDPLAYER."

"YOGI BERRA... VERY, VERY BAD
CARDPLAYER."
HE'S NOT THAT BAD.

CARDPLAYER."
HE'S NOT THAT BAD.
"ED KRANEPOOL... BORROW

HE'S NOT THAT BAD.
"ED KRANEPOOL... BORROW
CHICO'S SOAP AND NEVER GIVE IT

"ED KRANEPOOL... BORROW
CHICO'S SOAP AND NEVER GIVE IT
BACK."

CHICO'S SOAP AND NEVER GIVE IT
BACK."
THAT'S A DIRTY LIE.

BACK."
THAT'S A DIRTY LIE.
ROUGH STUFF.

THAT'S A DIRTY LIE.
ROUGH STUFF.
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER, IF

ROUGH STUFF.
YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER, IF
CHICO DOES MAKE THE TEAM,

YOU CAN'T HELP BUT WONDER, IF
CHICO DOES MAKE THE TEAM,
WHETHER HIS OLD TEAMMATES CAN

CHICO DOES MAKE THE TEAM,
WHETHER HIS OLD TEAMMATES CAN
FORGET THE HURT AND GET ON WITH

WHETHER HIS OLD TEAMMATES CAN
FORGET THE HURT AND GET ON WITH
THE BUSINESS OF WINNING THE

FORGET THE HURT AND GET ON WITH
THE BUSINESS OF WINNING THE
NATIONAL LEAGUE EASTERN

THE BUSINESS OF WINNING THE
NATIONAL LEAGUE EASTERN
DIVISION.

NATIONAL LEAGUE EASTERN
DIVISION.
THANKS, BILL. GOOD JOB.

DIVISION.
THANKS, BILL. GOOD JOB.
NEXT WEEK...

THANKS, BILL. GOOD JOB.
NEXT WEEK...
NEXT WEEK, WE WILL BRING YOU

NEXT WEEK...
NEXT WEEK, WE WILL BRING YOU
PART TWO OF THE COMEBACK ATTEMPT

NEXT WEEK, WE WILL BRING YOU
PART TWO OF THE COMEBACK ATTEMPT
OF THAT SOCIAL LEPER

PART TWO OF THE COMEBACK ATTEMPT
OF THAT SOCIAL LEPER
CHICO ESCUELA.

OF THAT SOCIAL LEPER
CHICO ESCUELA.
OH, AND, BY THE WAY, JANE, IS

CHICO ESCUELA.
OH, AND, BY THE WAY, JANE, IS
THIS YOURS?

OH, AND, BY THE WAY, JANE, IS
THIS YOURS?
YES, IT IS.

THIS YOURS?
YES, IT IS.
YOU LEFT THAT IN CHICO'S

YES, IT IS.
YOU LEFT THAT IN CHICO'S
APARTMENT.

YOU LEFT THAT IN CHICO'S
APARTMENT.
HE ASKED ME TO RETURN IT TO YOU.

APARTMENT.
HE ASKED ME TO RETURN IT TO YOU.
THANK YOU.

PRESUMABLY, IN REACTION TO
LAST WEEK'S EGYPT/ISRAEL PEACE
TREATY, ANTI-ISRAEL VANDALS

LAST WEEK'S EGYPT/ISRAEL PEACE
TREATY, ANTI-ISRAEL VANDALS
OVERTURNED HUNDREDS OF

TREATY, ANTI-ISRAEL VANDALS
OVERTURNED HUNDREDS OF
TOMBSTONES IN JEWISH

OVERTURNED HUNDREDS OF
TOMBSTONES IN JEWISH
CEMETERIES IN NEW YORK.

TOMBSTONES IN JEWISH
CEMETERIES IN NEW YORK.
AND, PREDICTABLY, IN A

CEMETERIES IN NEW YORK.
AND, PREDICTABLY, IN A
RETALIATORY MEASURE, VANDALS

AND, PREDICTABLY, IN A
RETALIATORY MEASURE, VANDALS
FROM ISRAEL WENT TO CAIRO, WHERE

RETALIATORY MEASURE, VANDALS
FROM ISRAEL WENT TO CAIRO, WHERE
THEY OVERTURNED EGYPTIAN

FROM ISRAEL WENT TO CAIRO, WHERE
THEY OVERTURNED EGYPTIAN
TOMBSTONES.

THEY OVERTURNED EGYPTIAN
TOMBSTONES.
SPEAKING BEFORE NEWLY RECRUITED

TOMBSTONES.
SPEAKING BEFORE NEWLY RECRUITED
GUERILLA TRAINEES, YASSER ARAFAT

SPEAKING BEFORE NEWLY RECRUITED
GUERILLA TRAINEES, YASSER ARAFAT
VOWED THIS WEEK TO CHOP OFF THE

GUERILLA TRAINEES, YASSER ARAFAT
VOWED THIS WEEK TO CHOP OFF THE
HANDS OF CARTER, BEGIN, AND

VOWED THIS WEEK TO CHOP OFF THE
HANDS OF CARTER, BEGIN, AND
SADAT FOR SIGNING THE

HANDS OF CARTER, BEGIN, AND
SADAT FOR SIGNING THE
EGYPTIAN/ISRAELI PEACE TREATY.

SADAT FOR SIGNING THE
EGYPTIAN/ISRAELI PEACE TREATY.
TODAY, THE THREE LEADERS GOT

EGYPTIAN/ISRAELI PEACE TREATY.
TODAY, THE THREE LEADERS GOT
TOGETHER AND POSED FOR THIS

TODAY, THE THREE LEADERS GOT
TOGETHER AND POSED FOR THIS
PICTURE JUST TO TEASE HIM A

TOGETHER AND POSED FOR THIS
PICTURE JUST TO TEASE HIM A
LITTLE.

PICTURE JUST TO TEASE HIM A
LITTLE.
BILL?

LITTLE.
BILL?
NICE TO KNOW OUR LEADERS HAVE

BILL?
NICE TO KNOW OUR LEADERS HAVE
A SENSE OF HUMOR.

NICE TO KNOW OUR LEADERS HAVE
A SENSE OF HUMOR.
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN

A SENSE OF HUMOR.
CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN
AND SINGER LINDA RONSTADT FLEW

CALIFORNIA GOVERNOR JERRY BROWN
AND SINGER LINDA RONSTADT FLEW
OFF TO AFRICA YESTERDAY,

AND SINGER LINDA RONSTADT FLEW
OFF TO AFRICA YESTERDAY,
TRAVELING OPENLY AS A COUPLE.

OFF TO AFRICA YESTERDAY,
TRAVELING OPENLY AS A COUPLE.
ASKED IF HE THOUGHT SUCH CONDUCT

TRAVELING OPENLY AS A COUPLE.
ASKED IF HE THOUGHT SUCH CONDUCT
COULD AFFECT THE 1980

ASKED IF HE THOUGHT SUCH CONDUCT
COULD AFFECT THE 1980
NOMINATIONS, BROWN SAID, "NO.

COULD AFFECT THE 1980
NOMINATIONS, BROWN SAID, "NO.
THE GRAMMY AWARDS PEOPLE DON'T

NOMINATIONS, BROWN SAID, "NO.
THE GRAMMY AWARDS PEOPLE DON'T
CARE WHO SHE TRAVELS WITH."

THE GRAMMY AWARDS PEOPLE DON'T
CARE WHO SHE TRAVELS WITH."
MEANWHILE, WORD FROM LIBERIA,

CARE WHO SHE TRAVELS WITH."
MEANWHILE, WORD FROM LIBERIA,
WHERE THE COUPLE LANDED, IS THAT

MEANWHILE, WORD FROM LIBERIA,
WHERE THE COUPLE LANDED, IS THAT
BROWN MAY BE MIXING HIS BUSINESS

WHERE THE COUPLE LANDED, IS THAT
BROWN MAY BE MIXING HIS BUSINESS
WITH POLITICS AND PLEASURE.

BROWN MAY BE MIXING HIS BUSINESS
WITH POLITICS AND PLEASURE.
MEETING HIM AT THE MONROVIA

WITH POLITICS AND PLEASURE.
MEETING HIM AT THE MONROVIA
AIRPORT FOR WHAT SEEMED TO BE

MEETING HIM AT THE MONROVIA
AIRPORT FOR WHAT SEEMED TO BE
SOME KIND OF TOP-SECRET

AIRPORT FOR WHAT SEEMED TO BE
SOME KIND OF TOP-SECRET
GET-TOGETHER WERE OTHER

SOME KIND OF TOP-SECRET
GET-TOGETHER WERE OTHER
DEMOCRATIC GOVERNORS, INCLUDING

GET-TOGETHER WERE OTHER
DEMOCRATIC GOVERNORS, INCLUDING
NEW YORK GOVERNOR HUGH CAREY,

DEMOCRATIC GOVERNORS, INCLUDING
NEW YORK GOVERNOR HUGH CAREY,
WHO WAS ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER

NEW YORK GOVERNOR HUGH CAREY,
WHO WAS ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER
DEBBY BOONE, FLORIDA

WHO WAS ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER
DEBBY BOONE, FLORIDA
EX-GOVERNOR REUBIN ASKEW

DEBBY BOONE, FLORIDA
EX-GOVERNOR REUBIN ASKEW
ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER

EX-GOVERNOR REUBIN ASKEW
ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER
TANYA TUCKER, AND THE BIGGEST

ACCOMPANIED BY SINGER
TANYA TUCKER, AND THE BIGGEST
SURPRISE OF ALL, CONNECTICUT

TANYA TUCKER, AND THE BIGGEST
SURPRISE OF ALL, CONNECTICUT
GOVERNOR ELLA GRASSO, WHO WAS

SURPRISE OF ALL, CONNECTICUT
GOVERNOR ELLA GRASSO, WHO WAS
ACCOMPANIED BY THE MYSTERIOUSLY

GOVERNOR ELLA GRASSO, WHO WAS
ACCOMPANIED BY THE MYSTERIOUSLY
MISSING JOHN BELUSHI.

ACCOMPANIED BY THE MYSTERIOUSLY
MISSING JOHN BELUSHI.
GOVERNOR GRASSO CLAIMS THAT

MISSING JOHN BELUSHI.
GOVERNOR GRASSO CLAIMS THAT
THERE IS NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR

GOVERNOR GRASSO CLAIMS THAT
THERE IS NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR
THAT SHE AND BELUSHI PLAN TO TIE

THERE IS NO TRUTH TO THE RUMOR
THAT SHE AND BELUSHI PLAN TO TIE
THE KNOT AT THE FOOT OF MAJESTIC

THAT SHE AND BELUSHI PLAN TO TIE
THE KNOT AT THE FOOT OF MAJESTIC
MOUNT KILIMANJARO IN TANZANIA.

THE KNOT AT THE FOOT OF MAJESTIC
MOUNT KILIMANJARO IN TANZANIA.
WELL, IT'S OSCARS TIME.

MOUNT KILIMANJARO IN TANZANIA.
WELL, IT'S OSCARS TIME.
THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING...

WELL, IT'S OSCARS TIME.
THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING...
TIME FOR THE "CELEBRITY CORNER"

THAT CAN MEAN ONLY ONE THING...
TIME FOR THE "CELEBRITY CORNER"
OSCARS PREDICTIONS.

TIME FOR THE "CELEBRITY CORNER"
OSCARS PREDICTIONS.
HERE, OF COURSE, ARE THE

OSCARS PREDICTIONS.
HERE, OF COURSE, ARE THE
NOMINEES.

HERE, OF COURSE, ARE THE
NOMINEES.
LET'S GO THROUGH THEM ONE BY

NOMINEES.
LET'S GO THROUGH THEM ONE BY
ONE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU MY

LET'S GO THROUGH THEM ONE BY
ONE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU MY
CAPSULE GUESSES AS TO WHAT'S

ONE, AND I'LL GIVE YOU MY
CAPSULE GUESSES AS TO WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN.

CAPSULE GUESSES AS TO WHAT'S
GONNA HAPPEN.
FOR BEST ACTOR, IN THE

GONNA HAPPEN.
FOR BEST ACTOR, IN THE
BEST ACTOR CATEGORY,

FOR BEST ACTOR, IN THE
BEST ACTOR CATEGORY,
WARREN BEATTY IS NOMINATED.

BEST ACTOR CATEGORY,
WARREN BEATTY IS NOMINATED.
COME ON. WARREN BEATTY?

WARREN BEATTY IS NOMINATED.
COME ON. WARREN BEATTY?
ROBERT DE NIRO.

COME ON. WARREN BEATTY?
ROBERT DE NIRO.
WELL, ROBERT IS PLAYING ANOTHER

ROBERT DE NIRO.
WELL, ROBERT IS PLAYING ANOTHER
CRAZED VIETNAM VET, AND,

WELL, ROBERT IS PLAYING ANOTHER
CRAZED VIETNAM VET, AND,
FRANKLY, I THINK THE ACADEMY IS

CRAZED VIETNAM VET, AND,
FRANKLY, I THINK THE ACADEMY IS
TIRED OF THAT, REALLY.

FRANKLY, I THINK THE ACADEMY IS
TIRED OF THAT, REALLY.
I THINK HE NEEDS SOME DIFFERENT

TIRED OF THAT, REALLY.
I THINK HE NEEDS SOME DIFFERENT
WORK, SOME BETTER WORK.

I THINK HE NEEDS SOME DIFFERENT
WORK, SOME BETTER WORK.
I MEAN, I HAVE VIETNAM

WORK, SOME BETTER WORK.
I MEAN, I HAVE VIETNAM
NIGHTMARES, AND I DIDN'T EVEN

I MEAN, I HAVE VIETNAM
NIGHTMARES, AND I DIDN'T EVEN
GO.

NIGHTMARES, AND I DIDN'T EVEN
GO.
LAURENCE OLIVIER IS NOMINATED,

GO.
LAURENCE OLIVIER IS NOMINATED,
BUT HE WILL RECEIVE A SPECIAL

LAURENCE OLIVIER IS NOMINATED,
BUT HE WILL RECEIVE A SPECIAL
OSCAR EARLIER IN THE EVENING FOR

BUT HE WILL RECEIVE A SPECIAL
OSCAR EARLIER IN THE EVENING FOR
BEING A GREAT ACTOR AND CATCHING

OSCAR EARLIER IN THE EVENING FOR
BEING A GREAT ACTOR AND CATCHING
A DEBILITATING DISEASE, SO HE

BEING A GREAT ACTOR AND CATCHING
A DEBILITATING DISEASE, SO HE
WILL NOT WIN THE OSCAR.

A DEBILITATING DISEASE, SO HE
WILL NOT WIN THE OSCAR.
GARY BUSEY HAS DONE OUR SHOW,

WILL NOT WIN THE OSCAR.
GARY BUSEY HAS DONE OUR SHOW,
AND I FEEL IT WOULD BE WRONG FOR

GARY BUSEY HAS DONE OUR SHOW,
AND I FEEL IT WOULD BE WRONG FOR
ME TO MAKE ANY KIND OF GUESS

AND I FEEL IT WOULD BE WRONG FOR
ME TO MAKE ANY KIND OF GUESS
ABOUT SOMEONE I'VE WORKED WITH.

ME TO MAKE ANY KIND OF GUESS
ABOUT SOMEONE I'VE WORKED WITH.
WHICH LEAVES US WITH JON VOIGHT.

ABOUT SOMEONE I'VE WORKED WITH.
WHICH LEAVES US WITH JON VOIGHT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...

WHICH LEAVES US WITH JON VOIGHT.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...
"BILL, VIETNAM PART."

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SAYING...
"BILL, VIETNAM PART."
UNH-UNH.

"BILL, VIETNAM PART."
UNH-UNH.
FICKLE ACADEMY.

UNH-UNH.
FICKLE ACADEMY.
CAN'T EVER COUNT ON IT.

FICKLE ACADEMY.
CAN'T EVER COUNT ON IT.
LET'S GO TO THE BEST ACTRESS

CAN'T EVER COUNT ON IT.
LET'S GO TO THE BEST ACTRESS
CATEGORY.

LET'S GO TO THE BEST ACTRESS
CATEGORY.
INGRID BERGMAN IS NOMINATED.

CATEGORY.
INGRID BERGMAN IS NOMINATED.
I LOVED HER IN "GOING MY WAY."

INGRID BERGMAN IS NOMINATED.
I LOVED HER IN "GOING MY WAY."
BUT SHE'S A FOREIGNER, AND WE

I LOVED HER IN "GOING MY WAY."
BUT SHE'S A FOREIGNER, AND WE
DON'T LIKE THEM.

BUT SHE'S A FOREIGNER, AND WE
DON'T LIKE THEM.
JILL CLAYBURGH, PROBABLY ONE OF

DON'T LIKE THEM.
JILL CLAYBURGH, PROBABLY ONE OF
THE FINEST ACTRESSES IN AMERICA

JILL CLAYBURGH, PROBABLY ONE OF
THE FINEST ACTRESSES IN AMERICA
TODAY, HAS DONE THIS SHOW.

THE FINEST ACTRESSES IN AMERICA
TODAY, HAS DONE THIS SHOW.
ONCE AGAIN, ANOTHER

TODAY, HAS DONE THIS SHOW.
ONCE AGAIN, ANOTHER
DISQUALIFICATION.

ONCE AGAIN, ANOTHER
DISQUALIFICATION.
I'M SORRY, JILL.

DISQUALIFICATION.
I'M SORRY, JILL.
LOVE THE GALLIANO ADS.

I'M SORRY, JILL.
LOVE THE GALLIANO ADS.
ELLEN BURSTYN I STILL CONFUSE

LOVE THE GALLIANO ADS.
ELLEN BURSTYN I STILL CONFUSE
WITH THE OTHER ACTRESS WHO WON

ELLEN BURSTYN I STILL CONFUSE
WITH THE OTHER ACTRESS WHO WON
FOR "CUCKOO'S NEST," AND I

WITH THE OTHER ACTRESS WHO WON
FOR "CUCKOO'S NEST," AND I
FORGET HER NAME.

FOR "CUCKOO'S NEST," AND I
FORGET HER NAME.
YEAH, LOUISE FLETCHER.

FORGET HER NAME.
YEAH, LOUISE FLETCHER.
DON'T YOU MIX THEM UP?

YEAH, LOUISE FLETCHER.
DON'T YOU MIX THEM UP?
I THINK THE ACADEMY WILL, TOO.

DON'T YOU MIX THEM UP?
I THINK THE ACADEMY WILL, TOO.
SHE WON'T WIN.

I THINK THE ACADEMY WILL, TOO.
SHE WON'T WIN.
GERALDINE PAGE... I DON'T HAVE A

SHE WON'T WIN.
GERALDINE PAGE... I DON'T HAVE A
JOKE FOR AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.

GERALDINE PAGE... I DON'T HAVE A
JOKE FOR AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
WHICH LEAVES US WITH JANE FONDA,

JOKE FOR AND I DON'T KNOW ABOUT.
WHICH LEAVES US WITH JANE FONDA,
WHO I THINK WILL WIN THE OSCAR.

WHICH LEAVES US WITH JANE FONDA,
WHO I THINK WILL WIN THE OSCAR.
JANE, IF YOU DO WIN, EASY ON THE

WHO I THINK WILL WIN THE OSCAR.
JANE, IF YOU DO WIN, EASY ON THE
SPEECHES, OKAY?

JANE, IF YOU DO WIN, EASY ON THE
SPEECHES, OKAY?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AND

SPEECHES, OKAY?
BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AND
ACTRESS.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTOR AND
ACTRESS.
WHO CARES, OKAY?

WHICH BRINGS US TO THE
BEST PICTURE.
I DID NOT SEE "THE DEER HUNTER."

BEST PICTURE.
I DID NOT SEE "THE DEER HUNTER."
I HAVEN'T SEEN

I DID NOT SEE "THE DEER HUNTER."
I HAVEN'T SEEN
"HEAVEN CAN WAIT," BUCK HENRY'S

I HAVEN'T SEEN
"HEAVEN CAN WAIT," BUCK HENRY'S
MOVIE.

"HEAVEN CAN WAIT," BUCK HENRY'S
MOVIE.
BUCK, YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME.

MOVIE.
BUCK, YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME.
SORRY.

BUCK, YOU'RE GONNA KILL ME.
SORRY.
I AM DYING TO SEE

SORRY.
I AM DYING TO SEE
"MIDNIGHT EXPRESS."

I AM DYING TO SEE
"MIDNIGHT EXPRESS."
WHICH LEAVES US WITH

"MIDNIGHT EXPRESS."
WHICH LEAVES US WITH
"UNMARRIED WOMAN" AND

WHICH LEAVES US WITH
"UNMARRIED WOMAN" AND
"COMING HOME."

"UNMARRIED WOMAN" AND
"COMING HOME."
HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE

"COMING HOME."
HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE
"UNMARRIED WOMAN"?

HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE
"UNMARRIED WOMAN"?
CAN WE HEAR FROM YOU?

"UNMARRIED WOMAN"?
CAN WE HEAR FROM YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CAN WE HEAR FROM YOU?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE
"COMING HOME"?

HOW MANY OF YOU LIKE
"COMING HOME"?
LET ME HEAR FROM YOU FOLKS.

"COMING HOME"?
LET ME HEAR FROM YOU FOLKS.
[LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LET ME HEAR FROM YOU FOLKS.
[LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK THAT "COMING HOME" WILL

[LOUDER CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK THAT "COMING HOME" WILL
WIN THE OSCAR THIS YEAR.

I THINK THAT "COMING HOME" WILL
WIN THE OSCAR THIS YEAR.
THOSE ARE MY PREDICTIONS.

WIN THE OSCAR THIS YEAR.
THOSE ARE MY PREDICTIONS.
LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT.

THOSE ARE MY PREDICTIONS.
LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT.
JANE?

LET'S SEE IF I'M RIGHT.
JANE?
DURING THE FIRST THREE MONTHS

JANE?
DURING THE FIRST THREE MONTHS
OF 1979, BEEF PRICES HAVE RISEN

DURING THE FIRST THREE MONTHS
OF 1979, BEEF PRICES HAVE RISEN
17% AND 42% SINCE JANUARY 1978.

OF 1979, BEEF PRICES HAVE RISEN
17% AND 42% SINCE JANUARY 1978.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS

17% AND 42% SINCE JANUARY 1978.
HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS
"UPDATE" REPORTER

HERE TO COMMENT ON THIS IS
"UPDATE" REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

"UPDATE" REPORTER
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS A LOT, JANE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.

THANKS A LOT, JANE.
THANKS A LOT.
ALL RIGHT.

THANKS A LOT.
ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN.

ALL RIGHT.
LISTEN.
A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM

LISTEN.
A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES

A MR. RICHARD FADER FROM
FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES
IN AND SAYS, "DEAR

FORT LEE, NEW JERSEY, WRITES
IN AND SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, THE

IN AND SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC SHOULD ALERT

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, THE
AMERICAN PUBLIC SHOULD ALERT
THEMSELVES TO NOT ONLY THE

AMERICAN PUBLIC SHOULD ALERT
THEMSELVES TO NOT ONLY THE
RISING COST OF MEAT BUT ITS

THEMSELVES TO NOT ONLY THE
RISING COST OF MEAT BUT ITS
INHERENT DANGERS AS A DIETARY

RISING COST OF MEAT BUT ITS
INHERENT DANGERS AS A DIETARY
UNIT.

INHERENT DANGERS AS A DIETARY
UNIT.
RED MEAT IS NOT ONLY HIGHER IN

UNIT.
RED MEAT IS NOT ONLY HIGHER IN
CALORIC VALUE BUT MORE DIFFICULT

RED MEAT IS NOT ONLY HIGHER IN
CALORIC VALUE BUT MORE DIFFICULT
TO DIGEST AND A LONG-TERM

CALORIC VALUE BUT MORE DIFFICULT
TO DIGEST AND A LONG-TERM
DETERRENT TO HUMAN HEALTH AND

TO DIGEST AND A LONG-TERM
DETERRENT TO HUMAN HEALTH AND
WELL-BEING.

DETERRENT TO HUMAN HEALTH AND
WELL-BEING.
IT WOULD BE WISER FOR THE

WELL-BEING.
IT WOULD BE WISER FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PHASE OUT THE

IT WOULD BE WISER FOR THE
AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PHASE OUT THE
CONSUMPTION OF MEAT AS A DIETARY

AMERICAN PEOPLE TO PHASE OUT THE
CONSUMPTION OF MEAT AS A DIETARY
FORM OF SUSTENANCE AND, IN ITS

CONSUMPTION OF MEAT AS A DIETARY
FORM OF SUSTENANCE AND, IN ITS
STEAD, REPLACE IT WITH PROTEIN

FORM OF SUSTENANCE AND, IN ITS
STEAD, REPLACE IT WITH PROTEIN
EQUIVALENTS."

STEAD, REPLACE IT WITH PROTEIN
EQUIVALENTS."
WOW!

EQUIVALENTS."
WOW!
PROFESSOR FADER!

WOW!
PROFESSOR FADER!
DID SOMEONE BUY YOU A

PROFESSOR FADER!
DID SOMEONE BUY YOU A
DICTIONARY?

DID SOMEONE BUY YOU A
DICTIONARY?
YOU GOT A GREAT VOCABULARY FOR

DICTIONARY?
YOU GOT A GREAT VOCABULARY FOR
SOMEBODY FROM NEW JERSEY.

YOU GOT A GREAT VOCABULARY FOR
SOMEBODY FROM NEW JERSEY.
BUT, ANYWAYS, I KNOW EXACTLY

SOMEBODY FROM NEW JERSEY.
BUT, ANYWAYS, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,

BUT, ANYWAYS, I KNOW EXACTLY
WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
'CAUSE, ONCE, I,

WHAT YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT,
'CAUSE, ONCE, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DECIDED

'CAUSE, ONCE, I,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DECIDED
TO STOP EATING RED MEAT AND JUST

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, DECIDED
TO STOP EATING RED MEAT AND JUST
EAT A LOT OF FISH.

TO STOP EATING RED MEAT AND JUST
EAT A LOT OF FISH.
NO MORE PLACES THAT I LOVED TO

EAT A LOT OF FISH.
NO MORE PLACES THAT I LOVED TO
EAT, GOING THERE, LIKE

NO MORE PLACES THAT I LOVED TO
EAT, GOING THERE, LIKE
BEEFSTEAK CHARLIE'S AND THE

EAT, GOING THERE, LIKE
BEEFSTEAK CHARLIE'S AND THE
STEAK N' BREW AND THE

BEEFSTEAK CHARLIE'S AND THE
STEAK N' BREW AND THE
BUN 'N BURGER AND THE

STEAK N' BREW AND THE
BUN 'N BURGER AND THE
BURGER N' BREW AND THE

BUN 'N BURGER AND THE
BURGER N' BREW AND THE
BEEF 'N BUN AND THE

BURGER N' BREW AND THE
BEEF 'N BUN AND THE
BREW N' BURGER AND THE

BEEF 'N BUN AND THE
BREW N' BURGER AND THE
BEEF 'N BREWER, THE BUN N' BUN

BREW N' BURGER AND THE
BEEF 'N BREWER, THE BUN N' BUN
OR THE BUN 'N BURGER.

BEEF 'N BREWER, THE BUN N' BUN
OR THE BUN 'N BURGER.
I JUST ATE FISH.

OR THE BUN 'N BURGER.
I JUST ATE FISH.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!

I JUST ATE FISH.
AND I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I ATE SO MUCH FISH THAT I WAS

AND I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE!
I ATE SO MUCH FISH THAT I WAS
GOING AROUND LIKE THIS.

I MEAN, I STARTED TO LOOK LIKE A
FISH.
AND I HATE FISH.

FISH.
AND I HATE FISH.
THEY LOOK UGLY, THEY'RE

AND I HATE FISH.
THEY LOOK UGLY, THEY'RE
SQUIGGLY.

THEY LOOK UGLY, THEY'RE
SQUIGGLY.
AND SOMETIMES THEY COOK A FISH

SQUIGGLY.
AND SOMETIMES THEY COOK A FISH
WITH ITS EYEBALL LOOKING RIGHT

AND SOMETIMES THEY COOK A FISH
WITH ITS EYEBALL LOOKING RIGHT
AT YOU.

WITH ITS EYEBALL LOOKING RIGHT
AT YOU.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT

AT YOU.
AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT
FISH HAS BEEN.

AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE THAT
FISH HAS BEEN.
SURE, IT COMES FROM THE SEA, BUT

FISH HAS BEEN.
SURE, IT COMES FROM THE SEA, BUT
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THAT?

SURE, IT COMES FROM THE SEA, BUT
WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THAT?
IT SWIMS AROUND AND PLAYS WITH

WHAT'S SO GREAT ABOUT THAT?
IT SWIMS AROUND AND PLAYS WITH
OTHER FISH AND SWIMS SOME MORE.

IT SWIMS AROUND AND PLAYS WITH
OTHER FISH AND SWIMS SOME MORE.
EATS, SLEEPS, GOES TO THE

OTHER FISH AND SWIMS SOME MORE.
EATS, SLEEPS, GOES TO THE
BATHROOM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!

EATS, SLEEPS, GOES TO THE
BATHROOM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!
THOSE FISHES ARE PLAYING AROUND

BATHROOM ALL IN THE SAME PLACE!
THOSE FISHES ARE PLAYING AROUND
IN THEIR OWN TOILET!

THOSE FISHES ARE PLAYING AROUND
IN THEIR OWN TOILET!
JACQUES COUSTEAU IS FILMING

IN THEIR OWN TOILET!
JACQUES COUSTEAU IS FILMING
STUFF IN A FISH'S TOILET!

JACQUES COUSTEAU IS FILMING
STUFF IN A FISH'S TOILET!
YUCK!

STUFF IN A FISH'S TOILET!
YUCK!
AND ANOTHER THING... PEOPLE ARE

YUCK!
AND ANOTHER THING... PEOPLE ARE
ALWAYS TRYING TO DISGUISE FISH,

AND ANOTHER THING... PEOPLE ARE
ALWAYS TRYING TO DISGUISE FISH,
LIKE IN THOSE FANCY-SCHMANCY

ALWAYS TRYING TO DISGUISE FISH,
LIKE IN THOSE FANCY-SCHMANCY
JAPANESE RESTAURANTS.

LIKE IN THOSE FANCY-SCHMANCY
JAPANESE RESTAURANTS.
THEY TRY TO TRICK YOU INTO

JAPANESE RESTAURANTS.
THEY TRY TO TRICK YOU INTO
EATING RAW FISH THAT TASTES LIKE

THEY TRY TO TRICK YOU INTO
EATING RAW FISH THAT TASTES LIKE
TENNIS SHOES.

EATING RAW FISH THAT TASTES LIKE
TENNIS SHOES.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?

TENNIS SHOES.
YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?
THEY CUT IT UP AND THEY PUT IT

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY DO?
THEY CUT IT UP AND THEY PUT IT
ON A LITTLE BOARD AND THEY PUT

THEY CUT IT UP AND THEY PUT IT
ON A LITTLE BOARD AND THEY PUT
IT ON RICE AND THEY CUT OUT

ON A LITTLE BOARD AND THEY PUT
IT ON RICE AND THEY CUT OUT
CONSTRUCTION PAPER AND MAKE A

IT ON RICE AND THEY CUT OUT
CONSTRUCTION PAPER AND MAKE A
TREE OR SOME FLOWERS OR AN

CONSTRUCTION PAPER AND MAKE A
TREE OR SOME FLOWERS OR AN
UMBRELLA AND THEY DECORATE IT

TREE OR SOME FLOWERS OR AN
UMBRELLA AND THEY DECORATE IT
AND THEY DOLL IT UP AND

UMBRELLA AND THEY DECORATE IT
AND THEY DOLL IT UP AND
EVERYTHING... MAKE IT REAL ZIPPY

AND THEY DOLL IT UP AND
EVERYTHING... MAKE IT REAL ZIPPY
AND CUTE.

EVERYTHING... MAKE IT REAL ZIPPY
AND CUTE.
BUT IT'S STILL FISH, AND IT

AND CUTE.
BUT IT'S STILL FISH, AND IT
MAKES ME SICK.

BUT IT'S STILL FISH, AND IT
MAKES ME SICK.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHICH PARTICULAR

MAKES ME SICK.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHICH PARTICULAR
FISH MAKES ME THE MOST SICK?

AND DO YOU KNOW WHICH PARTICULAR
FISH MAKES ME THE MOST SICK?
AN OYSTER.

FISH MAKES ME THE MOST SICK?
AN OYSTER.
IT'S LIKE A WET GLOP THAT'S ALL

AN OYSTER.
IT'S LIKE A WET GLOP THAT'S ALL
SLIMY, AND YOU GOT TO SWALLOW IT

IT'S LIKE A WET GLOP THAT'S ALL
SLIMY, AND YOU GOT TO SWALLOW IT
REAL FAST, OR IT FEELS LIKE

SLIMY, AND YOU GOT TO SWALLOW IT
REAL FAST, OR IT FEELS LIKE
YOU'RE TRYING TO CHEW A PHLEGM

REAL FAST, OR IT FEELS LIKE
YOU'RE TRYING TO CHEW A PHLEGM
BALL OR SOMETHING.

YOU'RE TRYING TO CHEW A PHLEGM
BALL OR SOMETHING.
ROSEANNE, YOU'RE MAKING ME

BALL OR SOMETHING.
ROSEANNE, YOU'RE MAKING ME
SICK!

ROSEANNE, YOU'RE MAKING ME
SICK!
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT FISH.

SICK!
SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT FISH.
WELL, THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM,

SOME PEOPLE LIKE TO EAT FISH.
WELL, THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM,
JANE.

WELL, THAT'S THEIR PROBLEM,
JANE.
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE POEM, A

JANE.
IT'S LIKE A LITTLE POEM, A
CLASSIC WRITTEN BY MY

IT'S LIKE A LITTLE POEM, A
CLASSIC WRITTEN BY MY
GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSANNADANNA.

CLASSIC WRITTEN BY MY
GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSANNADANNA.
IT WENT LIKE THIS...

GRANDMOTHER, NANA ROSANNADANNA.
IT WENT LIKE THIS...
"LISTEN, ROSEANNE, AND YOU SHALL

IT WENT LIKE THIS...
"LISTEN, ROSEANNE, AND YOU SHALL
HEAR A LITTLE POEM, MY

"LISTEN, ROSEANNE, AND YOU SHALL
HEAR A LITTLE POEM, MY
GRANDCHILD, DEAR.

HEAR A LITTLE POEM, MY
GRANDCHILD, DEAR.
I HOPE THIS DON'T SCARE YOU, SO

GRANDCHILD, DEAR.
I HOPE THIS DON'T SCARE YOU, SO
PLEASE DON'T CRY.

I HOPE THIS DON'T SCARE YOU, SO
PLEASE DON'T CRY.
BUT ALL FOOD YOU EAT WILL MAKE

PLEASE DON'T CRY.
BUT ALL FOOD YOU EAT WILL MAKE
YOU DIE.

BUT ALL FOOD YOU EAT WILL MAKE
YOU DIE.
IF THE MEAT IS RED, IT'LL MAKE

YOU DIE.
IF THE MEAT IS RED, IT'LL MAKE
YOU FAT, IT'S BAD FOR YOUR

IF THE MEAT IS RED, IT'LL MAKE
YOU FAT, IT'S BAD FOR YOUR
HEART, AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT.

YOU FAT, IT'S BAD FOR YOUR
HEART, AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
IF THE MEAT IS WHITE, YOUR VEINS

HEART, AND YOU DON'T WANT THAT.
IF THE MEAT IS WHITE, YOUR VEINS
WILL THICKEN, CONSIDERING THE

IF THE MEAT IS WHITE, YOUR VEINS
WILL THICKEN, CONSIDERING THE
CHEMICALS THEY INJECT IN A

WILL THICKEN, CONSIDERING THE
CHEMICALS THEY INJECT IN A
CHICKEN.

CHEMICALS THEY INJECT IN A
CHICKEN.
HOT DOGS, BOLOGNA, SALAMI...

CHICKEN.
HOT DOGS, BOLOGNA, SALAMI...
FORGET THEM.

HOT DOGS, BOLOGNA, SALAMI...
FORGET THEM.
NO ONE ALIVE KNOWS WHAT'S IN

FORGET THEM.
NO ONE ALIVE KNOWS WHAT'S IN
THEM.

NO ONE ALIVE KNOWS WHAT'S IN
THEM.
SINCE THERE'S NUCLEAR WASTE, I

THEM.
SINCE THERE'S NUCLEAR WASTE, I
GUESS YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL

SINCE THERE'S NUCLEAR WASTE, I
GUESS YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL
YOU DON'T DRINK THE WATER.

GUESS YOU OUGHT TO BE CAREFUL
YOU DON'T DRINK THE WATER.
THEN I SAID, 'DON'T MAKE A FUSS.

YOU DON'T DRINK THE WATER.
THEN I SAID, 'DON'T MAKE A FUSS.
IF FOOD DON'T KILL ME, I'LL GET

THEN I SAID, 'DON'T MAKE A FUSS.
IF FOOD DON'T KILL ME, I'LL GET
HIT BY A BUS.'

IF FOOD DON'T KILL ME, I'LL GET
HIT BY A BUS.'
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE... FROM ALL

HIT BY A BUS.'
WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE... FROM ALL
THINGS OR ONE THING.

WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE... FROM ALL
THINGS OR ONE THING.
LIKE MY DADDY USED TO SAY, 'IT'S

THINGS OR ONE THING.
LIKE MY DADDY USED TO SAY, 'IT'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING.'

LIKE MY DADDY USED TO SAY, 'IT'S
ALWAYS SOMETHING.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE

ALWAYS SOMETHING.'
GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

GOOD NIGHT, MY LITTLE
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
THAT'S THE NEWS.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RICKIE LEE JONES.
[APPLAUSE]

RICKIE LEE JONES.
[APPLAUSE]
["CHUCK E's IN LOVE" PLAYS]

♪ HOW COME HE DON'T COME AND
P.I.P. WITH ME DOWN AT THE METER
NO MORE? ♪

P.I.P. WITH ME DOWN AT THE METER
NO MORE? ♪
♪ HOW COME HE TURN OFF

NO MORE? ♪
♪ HOW COME HE TURN OFF
THE TV? ♪

♪ HOW COME HE TURN OFF
THE TV? ♪
♪ OH ♪

THE TV? ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ AND HANG THAT SIGN

♪ OH ♪
♪ AND HANG THAT SIGN
ON THE DOOR? ♪

♪ AND HANG THAT SIGN
ON THE DOOR? ♪
♪ WELL, WE CALL AND WE CALL ♪

ON THE DOOR? ♪
♪ WELL, WE CALL AND WE CALL ♪
♪ "HOW COME?" WE SAY ♪

♪ WELL, WE CALL AND WE CALL ♪
♪ "HOW COME?" WE SAY ♪
♪ OH, WHAT COULD MAKE A BOY

♪ "HOW COME?" WE SAY ♪
♪ OH, WHAT COULD MAKE A BOY
BEHAVE THIS WAY? ♪

♪ OH, WHAT COULD MAKE A BOY
BEHAVE THIS WAY? ♪
♪ Y-Y-YEAH ♪

BEHAVE THIS WAY? ♪
♪ Y-Y-YEAH ♪
♪ WELL ♪

♪ Y-Y-YEAH ♪
♪ WELL ♪
♪ HE LEARN ALL OF THE LINES,

♪ WELL ♪
♪ HE LEARN ALL OF THE LINES,
NOW, AND EVERY TIME HE DON'T

♪ HE LEARN ALL OF THE LINES,
NOW, AND EVERY TIME HE DON'T
S-S-STUTTER WHEN HE TALKS ♪

NOW, AND EVERY TIME HE DON'T
S-S-STUTTER WHEN HE TALKS ♪
♪ AND IT'S TRUE AND IT'S TRUE ♪

S-S-STUTTER WHEN HE TALKS ♪
♪ AND IT'S TRUE AND IT'S TRUE ♪
♪ HE SURE HAS ACQUIRED THIS

♪ AND IT'S TRUE AND IT'S TRUE ♪
♪ HE SURE HAS ACQUIRED THIS
KINDA COOL AND INSPIRED SORT OF

♪ HE SURE HAS ACQUIRED THIS
KINDA COOL AND INSPIRED SORT OF
JAZZ WHEN HE WALK ♪

KINDA COOL AND INSPIRED SORT OF
JAZZ WHEN HE WALK ♪
♪ WHERE'S HIS JACKET AND HIS OLD

JAZZ WHEN HE WALK ♪
♪ WHERE'S HIS JACKET AND HIS OLD
BLUE JEANS? ♪

♪ WHERE'S HIS JACKET AND HIS OLD
BLUE JEANS? ♪
♪ IF THIS AIN'T FUNNY, IT IS

BLUE JEANS? ♪
♪ IF THIS AIN'T FUNNY, IT IS
SOME KINDA CLEAN ♪

♪ IF THIS AIN'T FUNNY, IT IS
SOME KINDA CLEAN ♪
♪ I THINK THAT CHUCK E's IN

SOME KINDA CLEAN ♪
♪ I THINK THAT CHUCK E's IN
LOVE ♪

♪ I THINK THAT CHUCK E's IN
LOVE ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪

♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ OHH, MY, MY, MY ♪

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ OHH, MY, MY, MY ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪

♪ OHH, MY, MY, MY ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME ♪

♪ BUT I DON'T BELIEVE WHAT
YOU'RE SAYING TO ME ♪
♪ THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO

YOU'RE SAYING TO ME ♪
♪ THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO
SEE ♪

♪ THIS IS SOMETHING I'VE GOT TO
SEE ♪
♪ IS HE HERE? ♪

SEE ♪
♪ IS HE HERE? ♪
♪ I LOOK IN THE POOL HALL ♪

♪ IS HE HERE? ♪
♪ I LOOK IN THE POOL HALL ♪
♪ I SAY, "IS HE HERE?" ♪

♪ I LOOK IN THE POOL HALL ♪
♪ I SAY, "IS HE HERE?" ♪
♪ I LOOKED OVER IN COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ I SAY, "IS HE HERE?" ♪
♪ I LOOKED OVER IN COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ WELL, IS HE HERE? ♪

♪ I LOOKED OVER IN COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ WELL, IS HE HERE? ♪
♪ THEY SAY, "NO, HE WON'T COME

♪ WELL, IS HE HERE? ♪
♪ THEY SAY, "NO, HE WON'T COME
HERE NO MORE" ♪

♪ THEY SAY, "NO, HE WON'T COME
HERE NO MORE" ♪
♪ AH, TWO ♪

HERE NO MORE" ♪
♪ AH, TWO ♪
♪ WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ♪

♪ AH, TWO ♪
♪ WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ♪
♪ I SAW HIM, I DID ♪

♪ WELL, I'LL TELL YOU WHAT ♪
♪ I SAW HIM, I DID ♪
♪ HE WAS SITTIN' BEHIND US DOWN

♪ I SAW HIM, I DID ♪
♪ HE WAS SITTIN' BEHIND US DOWN
AT THE PANTAGES ♪

♪ HE WAS SITTIN' BEHIND US DOWN
AT THE PANTAGES ♪
♪ AND WHATEVER IS ♪

AT THE PANTAGES ♪
♪ AND WHATEVER IS ♪
♪ THAT HE'S GOT UP HIS, UH,

♪ AND WHATEVER IS ♪
♪ THAT HE'S GOT UP HIS, UH,
SLEEVE ♪

♪ THAT HE'S GOT UP HIS, UH,
SLEEVE ♪
♪ WELL, I HOPE IT ISN'T

SLEEVE ♪
♪ WELL, I HOPE IT ISN'T
CONTAGIOUS ♪

♪ WELL, I HOPE IT ISN'T
CONTAGIOUS ♪
♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪

CONTAGIOUS ♪
♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪
♪ IS THAT HER THERE? ♪

♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪
♪ IS THAT HER THERE? ♪
♪ OH, CHRIST, I THINK HE'S EVEN

♪ IS THAT HER THERE? ♪
♪ OH, CHRIST, I THINK HE'S EVEN
COMBED HIS HAIR ♪

♪ OH, CHRIST, I THINK HE'S EVEN
COMBED HIS HAIR ♪
♪ AND IS THAT HER? ♪

COMBED HIS HAIR ♪
♪ AND IS THAT HER? ♪
♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪

♪ AND IS THAT HER? ♪
♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪
♪ OH, HE'S NEVER GONNA BE SAME ♪

♪ WHAT'S HER NAME? ♪
♪ OH, HE'S NEVER GONNA BE SAME ♪
♪ THAT'S NOT HER, AND I KNOW

♪ OH, HE'S NEVER GONNA BE SAME ♪
♪ THAT'S NOT HER, AND I KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG ♪

♪ THAT'S NOT HER, AND I KNOW
WHAT'S WRONG ♪
♪ 'CAUSE CHUCK E's IN LOVE WITH

WHAT'S WRONG ♪
♪ 'CAUSE CHUCK E's IN LOVE WITH
THE LITTLE GIRL SINGING THIS

♪ 'CAUSE CHUCK E's IN LOVE WITH
THE LITTLE GIRL SINGING THIS
SONG ♪

THE LITTLE GIRL SINGING THIS
SONG ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW CHUCK E's IN

SONG ♪
♪ DON'T YOU KNOW CHUCK E's IN
LOVE ♪

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW CHUCK E's IN
LOVE ♪
♪ OHH, MAN ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ OHH, MAN ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪

♪ OHH, MAN ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪

♪ LOVE, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ YEAH, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE ♪
♪ YEAH, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN ♪

♪ YEAH, LOVE, LOVE, LOVE ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE, LOVE ♪

♪ CHUCK E's IN ♪
♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE, LOVE ♪
CHUCK E-E-E-E-E-E IN

♪ CHUCK E's IN LOVE, LOVE ♪
CHUCK E-E-E-E-E-E IN
LO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-VE ♪

CHUCK E-E-E-E-E-E IN
LO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-VE ♪
♪ WITH ME ♪

LO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-VE ♪
♪ WITH ME ♪
♪ OHH ♪

♪ WITH ME ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ ALL RIGHT ♪
[SCATTING]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT, JOEL.
I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.
I GOT TO GO.

I'LL TALK TO YOU TOMORROW.
I GOT TO GO.
ALL RIGHT. TAKE...

I GOT TO GO.
ALL RIGHT. TAKE...
HI.

ALL RIGHT. TAKE...
HI.
I'M NEIL WASSERHEIM.

HI.
I'M NEIL WASSERHEIM.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT

I'M NEIL WASSERHEIM.
I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT
THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE BIGGEST

I SUPPOSE YOU'RE WONDERING WHAT
THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE BIGGEST
TELEVISION NETWORKS IN THE WORLD

THE HEAD OF ONE OF THE BIGGEST
TELEVISION NETWORKS IN THE WORLD
IS DOING SITTING TALKING TO YOU

TELEVISION NETWORKS IN THE WORLD
IS DOING SITTING TALKING TO YOU
IN HIS YARD CLOTHES.

IS DOING SITTING TALKING TO YOU
IN HIS YARD CLOTHES.
WELL, IT'S BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A

IN HIS YARD CLOTHES.
WELL, IT'S BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A
NEW ATTITUDE... A NEW ATTITUDE.

WELL, IT'S BECAUSE WE'VE GOT A
NEW ATTITUDE... A NEW ATTITUDE.
AND IT'S ALL REFLECTED IN OUR

NEW ATTITUDE... A NEW ATTITUDE.
AND IT'S ALL REFLECTED IN OUR
SHINY NEW SEASON.

AND IT'S ALL REFLECTED IN OUR
SHINY NEW SEASON.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN... THAT'S

SHINY NEW SEASON.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN... THAT'S
OUR SLOGAN.

WE'RE GONNA HAVE FUN... THAT'S
OUR SLOGAN.
"WE'RE MORE FUN THAN THEY ARE."

OUR SLOGAN.
"WE'RE MORE FUN THAN THEY ARE."
AND WE'RE GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU

"WE'RE MORE FUN THAN THEY ARE."
AND WE'RE GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU
THIS YEAR WITH THE KIND OF

AND WE'RE GONNA SHOW IT TO YOU
THIS YEAR WITH THE KIND OF
PROGRAMMING WE'RE COMING UP

THIS YEAR WITH THE KIND OF
PROGRAMMING WE'RE COMING UP
WITH.

PROGRAMMING WE'RE COMING UP
WITH.
OUR SEASON OPENS WITH

WITH.
OUR SEASON OPENS WITH
"DISCO PARTY '79."

OUR SEASON OPENS WITH
"DISCO PARTY '79."
♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪

"DISCO PARTY '79."
♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MAN ♪

♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪
♪ MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO

♪ MACHO MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO
MAN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO
MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO,

MAN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO,
MACHO MAN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO,
MACHO MAN ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

MACHO MAN ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO ♪
♪ OWWW ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A MACHO ♪
♪ OWWW ♪
AND HOW ABOUT OUR

♪ OWWW ♪
AND HOW ABOUT OUR
SHINY NEW SPORTS SEASON?

AND HOW ABOUT OUR
SHINY NEW SPORTS SEASON?
HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?

SHINY NEW SPORTS SEASON?
HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
CATFISH HUNTER, REGGIE, AND

HOW 'BOUT THOSE YANKEES?
CATFISH HUNTER, REGGIE, AND
BUCKY WEAVER.

CATFISH HUNTER, REGGIE, AND
BUCKY WEAVER.
THE CHRIS EVERT/JIMMY CONNORS

BUCKY WEAVER.
THE CHRIS EVERT/JIMMY CONNORS
TENNIS MATCH... THE BATTLE OF

THE CHRIS EVERT/JIMMY CONNORS
TENNIS MATCH... THE BATTLE OF
THE SEXES.

TENNIS MATCH... THE BATTLE OF
THE SEXES.
THE EX-LOVERS FIGHT IT OUT

THE SEXES.
THE EX-LOVERS FIGHT IT OUT
CENTER COURT.

THE EX-LOVERS FIGHT IT OUT
CENTER COURT.
SHOULD BE GOOD.

CENTER COURT.
SHOULD BE GOOD.
BUT I THINK WHAT REALLY SHOWS

SHOULD BE GOOD.
BUT I THINK WHAT REALLY SHOWS
THAT WE'RE REALLY A LOT OF FUN

BUT I THINK WHAT REALLY SHOWS
THAT WE'RE REALLY A LOT OF FUN
ARE THE OLD MOVIES THAT WE'RE

THAT WE'RE REALLY A LOT OF FUN
ARE THE OLD MOVIES THAT WE'RE
BRINGING BACK... CLASSIC MOVIES.

ARE THE OLD MOVIES THAT WE'RE
BRINGING BACK... CLASSIC MOVIES.
WHO CAN FORGET MARLON BRANDO IN

BRINGING BACK... CLASSIC MOVIES.
WHO CAN FORGET MARLON BRANDO IN
"THE GODFATHER"?

WHO CAN FORGET MARLON BRANDO IN
"THE GODFATHER"?
NOBODY.

"THE GODFATHER"?
NOBODY.
["THE GODFATHER" THEME PLAYS]

"LAWRENCE OF ARABIA."
WHO DOESN'T LIKE TO RUN AROUND
IN THE SAND?

WHO DOESN'T LIKE TO RUN AROUND
IN THE SAND?
["LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" THEME

IN THE SAND?
["LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" THEME
PLAYS]

["LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" THEME
PLAYS]
HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT, HOT.

[THUNDER CRASHES]
"FRANKENSTEIN"...
THE NAME ALONE TERRIFIES.

"FRANKENSTEIN"...
THE NAME ALONE TERRIFIES.
[WOLF HOWLS]

THE NAME ALONE TERRIFIES.
[WOLF HOWLS]
[THUNDER CRASHES]

[WOLF HOWLS]
[THUNDER CRASHES]
NOW, WHERE DID I PUT THAT

[THUNDER CRASHES]
NOW, WHERE DID I PUT THAT
SCALPEL?

NOW, WHERE DID I PUT THAT
SCALPEL?
SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE, I'M SURE.

SCALPEL?
SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE, I'M SURE.
"DELIVERANCE"...

SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE, I'M SURE.
"DELIVERANCE"...
THE BATTLE AGAINST NATURE.

"DELIVERANCE"...
THE BATTLE AGAINST NATURE.
["DUELING BANJOS" PLAYS]

WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN THAN
"DRACULA"?
THE SCARIEST TRANSYLVANIAN

"DRACULA"?
THE SCARIEST TRANSYLVANIAN
BLOODSUCKER THAT EVER LIVED

THE SCARIEST TRANSYLVANIAN
BLOODSUCKER THAT EVER LIVED
FOREVER.

BLOODSUCKER THAT EVER LIVED
FOREVER.
[LAUGHS EVILLY]

WONDER WOMAN IS A NUT.
SHE'S A FUN PERSON.
I'VE PARTIED WITH HER.

SHE'S A FUN PERSON.
I'VE PARTIED WITH HER.
AND ALTHOUGH THERE'S AN ELEMENT

I'VE PARTIED WITH HER.
AND ALTHOUGH THERE'S AN ELEMENT
OF SENSUALITY, SHE'S STILL

AND ALTHOUGH THERE'S AN ELEMENT
OF SENSUALITY, SHE'S STILL
FUN.

OF SENSUALITY, SHE'S STILL
FUN.
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T

FUN.
I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T
CRY AT CHRISTMASTIME.

I DON'T KNOW ANYBODY WHO DOESN'T
CRY AT CHRISTMASTIME.
AND, AS OFTEN AS NOT, THEY'RE

CRY AT CHRISTMASTIME.
AND, AS OFTEN AS NOT, THEY'RE
TEARS OF JOY.

AND, AS OFTEN AS NOT, THEY'RE
TEARS OF JOY.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING

TEARS OF JOY.
AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING
FOR... TEARS OF JOY.

AND THAT'S WHAT WE'RE LOOKING
FOR... TEARS OF JOY.
"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS"...

FOR... TEARS OF JOY.
"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS"...
A SAD STORY ABOUT A G.I. WHO

"I'LL BE HOME FOR CHRISTMAS"...
A SAD STORY ABOUT A G.I. WHO
COMES HOME AND THEN HAS FUN... A

A SAD STORY ABOUT A G.I. WHO
COMES HOME AND THEN HAS FUN... A
LOT OF FUN.

COMES HOME AND THEN HAS FUN... A
LOT OF FUN.
♪ I'LL BE HOME

LOT OF FUN.
♪ I'LL BE HOME
FOR CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ I'LL BE HOME
FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
ROMANCE, FUN.

FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
ROMANCE, FUN.
WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN THAN A

ROMANCE, FUN.
WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN THAN A
G.I. ON LEAVE WITH HIS

WHAT COULD BE MORE FUN THAN A
G.I. ON LEAVE WITH HIS
GIRLFRIEND?

G.I. ON LEAVE WITH HIS
GIRLFRIEND?
AND OUR FUN IS GONNA BE

GIRLFRIEND?
AND OUR FUN IS GONNA BE
REFLECTED IN A NEW SITUATION

AND OUR FUN IS GONNA BE
REFLECTED IN A NEW SITUATION
COMEDY WE'VE GOT CALLED

REFLECTED IN A NEW SITUATION
COMEDY WE'VE GOT CALLED
"THE PIZZA BOYS."

COMEDY WE'VE GOT CALLED
"THE PIZZA BOYS."
AND THESE GUYS ARE A COUPLE OF

"THE PIZZA BOYS."
AND THESE GUYS ARE A COUPLE OF
NUTS WHO THINK THAT THE KEY TO

AND THESE GUYS ARE A COUPLE OF
NUTS WHO THINK THAT THE KEY TO
LIFE IS IN A GOOD PIZZA.

NUTS WHO THINK THAT THE KEY TO
LIFE IS IN A GOOD PIZZA.
GUIDO.

LIFE IS IN A GOOD PIZZA.
GUIDO.
WHO'S ORDERED THIS-A PIZZA,

GUIDO.
WHO'S ORDERED THIS-A PIZZA,
GUIDO?

WHO'S ORDERED THIS-A PIZZA,
GUIDO?
I DON'T KNOW.

GUIDO?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S-A ORDERED MY PIZZA?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHO'S-A ORDERED MY PIZZA?
ONE'S GOT AN ANCHOVY, THE OTHER

WHO'S-A ORDERED MY PIZZA?
ONE'S GOT AN ANCHOVY, THE OTHER
GOT-A SICILIAN.

ONE'S GOT AN ANCHOVY, THE OTHER
GOT-A SICILIAN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW-A

GOT-A SICILIAN.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW-A
WHOSE THIS-A PIZZA?

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW-A
WHOSE THIS-A PIZZA?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GETTING MAD

WHOSE THIS-A PIZZA?
SO WHAT ARE YOU GETTING MAD
AT ME FOR?

SO WHAT ARE YOU GETTING MAD
AT ME FOR?
I DON'T KNOW WHOSE-A PIZZA IT

AT ME FOR?
I DON'T KNOW WHOSE-A PIZZA IT
IS.

I DON'T KNOW WHOSE-A PIZZA IT
IS.
NOW WE GOT-A TWO PIZZAS, AND

IS.
NOW WE GOT-A TWO PIZZAS, AND
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY BELONG-A

NOW WE GOT-A TWO PIZZAS, AND
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY BELONG-A
TO.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THEY BELONG-A
TO.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

TO.
THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU

THAT'S WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU
TODAY.

THAT'S WHAT I'M SAYING TO YOU
TODAY.
LET'S HAVE FUN, AND IF WE DON'T,

TODAY.
LET'S HAVE FUN, AND IF WE DON'T,
WE TRIED, DIDN'T WE?

♪ HEY, HEY ♪

♪ HEY, HEY, HEY ♪

♪ MACHO, MACHO MAN ♪

♪ MACHO MAN ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO BE A

MACHO MAN ♪

OHH.
OHH, YOU'RE AMAZING!
A SCOTTISH RESTAURANT!

OHH, YOU'RE AMAZING!
A SCOTTISH RESTAURANT!
WELL, HEY, YOU KNOW, WE

A SCOTTISH RESTAURANT!
WELL, HEY, YOU KNOW, WE
ALWAYS EAT CHINESE, MEXICAN,

WELL, HEY, YOU KNOW, WE
ALWAYS EAT CHINESE, MEXICAN,
ITALIAN.

ALWAYS EAT CHINESE, MEXICAN,
ITALIAN.
WE NEVER EAT SCOTTISH.

ITALIAN.
WE NEVER EAT SCOTTISH.
WELL, I'M GAME.

WE NEVER EAT SCOTTISH.
WELL, I'M GAME.
YEAH.

WELL, I'M GAME.
YEAH.
IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?

YEAH.
IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?
OH, YEAH.

IT'S NICE, ISN'T IT?
OH, YEAH.
[Scottish accent] WELCOME

OH, YEAH.
[Scottish accent] WELCOME
TO VIVA DE SCOTLAND.

[Scottish accent] WELCOME
TO VIVA DE SCOTLAND.
YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?

TO VIVA DE SCOTLAND.
YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?
UH, NO.

YOU HAVE A RESERVATION?
UH, NO.
DO WE NEED ONE?

UH, NO.
DO WE NEED ONE?
[SIGHS]

DO WE NEED ONE?
[SIGHS]
YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE.

[SIGHS]
YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE.
THE PLACE LOOKS EMPTY.

YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE.
THE PLACE LOOKS EMPTY.
YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE

THE PLACE LOOKS EMPTY.
YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE
WITHOUT A RESERVATION, LADDIE.

YOU CANNOT HAVE A TABLE
WITHOUT A RESERVATION, LADDIE.
WELL, CAN WE MAKE A

WITHOUT A RESERVATION, LADDIE.
WELL, CAN WE MAKE A
RESERVATION?

WELL, CAN WE MAKE A
RESERVATION?
ALL RIGHT.

RESERVATION?
ALL RIGHT.
THAT'LL BE $3.50.

ALL RIGHT.
THAT'LL BE $3.50.
$3.50 FOR RESERVATIONS?

THAT'LL BE $3.50.
$3.50 FOR RESERVATIONS?
AYE.

$3.50 FOR RESERVATIONS?
AYE.
FOR TWO? LET'S SEE, NOW.

AYE.
FOR TWO? LET'S SEE, NOW.
WHAT TIME CAN WE BE EXPECTING

FOR TWO? LET'S SEE, NOW.
WHAT TIME CAN WE BE EXPECTING
YOU?

WHAT TIME CAN WE BE EXPECTING
YOU?
RIGHT NOW.

YOU?
RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT NOW.
ALL RIGHT.
$4.50.

ALL RIGHT.
$4.50.
OKAY, THEN.

$4.50.
OKAY, THEN.
HOW'S THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE?

OKAY, THEN.
HOW'S THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE?
FINE.

HOW'S THIS TABLE RIGHT HERE?
FINE.
THAT'S JUST FINE.

FINE.
THAT'S JUST FINE.
THANK YOU.

OH, UM...
D-DO YOU HAVE A REAL TABLECLOTH?
I'M WEARING IT.

D-DO YOU HAVE A REAL TABLECLOTH?
I'M WEARING IT.
YOU WANT IT ON YOUR TABLE, IT'LL

I'M WEARING IT.
YOU WANT IT ON YOUR TABLE, IT'LL
COST YOU.

YOU WANT IT ON YOUR TABLE, IT'LL
COST YOU.
OH, NO. FORGET IT.

COST YOU.
OH, NO. FORGET IT.
HERE'S SOME WATER FOR YOUR

OH, NO. FORGET IT.
HERE'S SOME WATER FOR YOUR
MEAL.

HERE'S SOME WATER FOR YOUR
MEAL.
NOW, BE CAREFUL WITH THESE CUPS.

MEAL.
NOW, BE CAREFUL WITH THESE CUPS.
A CUSTOMER CRUMPLED ONE THE

NOW, BE CAREFUL WITH THESE CUPS.
A CUSTOMER CRUMPLED ONE THE
OTHER DAY ON ME.

A CUSTOMER CRUMPLED ONE THE
OTHER DAY ON ME.
I COULD'VE KILLED HIM!

OTHER DAY ON ME.
I COULD'VE KILLED HIM!
ALL RIGHT.

I COULD'VE KILLED HIM!
ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY TO ORDER?

ALL RIGHT.
YOU READY TO ORDER?
WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT A MENU?

YOU READY TO ORDER?
WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT A MENU?
WELL, I NEVER BELIEVED IN

WELL, UH, HOW ABOUT A MENU?
WELL, I NEVER BELIEVED IN
MENUS.

WELL, I NEVER BELIEVED IN
MENUS.
BLOODY WASTE OF MONEY.

MENUS.
BLOODY WASTE OF MONEY.
WE'VE GOT A BLACKBOARD.

BLOODY WASTE OF MONEY.
WE'VE GOT A BLACKBOARD.
OH, I CAN'T SEE IT.

WE'VE GOT A BLACKBOARD.
OH, I CAN'T SEE IT.
WELL, I'LL READ IT TO YOU FOR

OH, I CAN'T SEE IT.
WELL, I'LL READ IT TO YOU FOR
50 CENTS.

WELL, I'LL READ IT TO YOU FOR
50 CENTS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

50 CENTS.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL RUN IT ON THE TAB.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
I'LL RUN IT ON THE TAB.
OKAY, FINE.

I'LL RUN IT ON THE TAB.
OKAY, FINE.
[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY, FINE.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THERE'S OATCAKES, BLOOD SAUSAGE,

[CLEARS THROAT]
THERE'S OATCAKES, BLOOD SAUSAGE,
BLOOD PUDDING, BLOOD éCLAIRS...

THERE'S OATCAKES, BLOOD SAUSAGE,
BLOOD PUDDING, BLOOD éCLAIRS...
OH!

BLOOD PUDDING, BLOOD éCLAIRS...
OH!
IT'S REALLY A DESSERT.

OH!
IT'S REALLY A DESSERT.
IF YOU GOT A SWEET TOOTH,

IT'S REALLY A DESSERT.
IF YOU GOT A SWEET TOOTH,
THEY'RE GREAT.

IF YOU GOT A SWEET TOOTH,
THEY'RE GREAT.
AND, AS AN ENTRéE, WE GOT

THEY'RE GREAT.
AND, AS AN ENTRéE, WE GOT
HAGGIS.

AND, AS AN ENTRéE, WE GOT
HAGGIS.
OH, HAGGIS.

HAGGIS.
OH, HAGGIS.
NOW, I'VE HEARD OF THAT.

OH, HAGGIS.
NOW, I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
WHAT'S HAGGIS?

NOW, I'VE HEARD OF THAT.
WHAT'S HAGGIS?
WELL, HAGGIS, IT'S A PUDDING

WHAT'S HAGGIS?
WELL, HAGGIS, IT'S A PUDDING
MADE OF THE HEART, LIVER, AND

WELL, HAGGIS, IT'S A PUDDING
MADE OF THE HEART, LIVER, AND
LUNGS OF A SHEEP, MINCED WITH

MADE OF THE HEART, LIVER, AND
LUNGS OF A SHEEP, MINCED WITH
SUET, ONIONS, OATMEAL, AND

LUNGS OF A SHEEP, MINCED WITH
SUET, ONIONS, OATMEAL, AND
SEASONINGS BOILED IN THE STOMACH

SUET, ONIONS, OATMEAL, AND
SEASONINGS BOILED IN THE STOMACH
OF THE ANIMAL.

SEASONINGS BOILED IN THE STOMACH
OF THE ANIMAL.
AY!

OF THE ANIMAL.
AY!
SO THAT'LL BE TWO HAGGISES,

AY!
SO THAT'LL BE TWO HAGGISES,
THEN?

SO THAT'LL BE TWO HAGGISES,
THEN?
UH, NO, NO.

THEN?
UH, NO, NO.
I THINK WE'LL PASS ON THE

UH, NO, NO.
I THINK WE'LL PASS ON THE
HAGGISES.

I THINK WE'LL PASS ON THE
HAGGISES.
HOW ABOUT... DO YOU HAVE

HAGGISES.
HOW ABOUT... DO YOU HAVE
SALAD?

HOW ABOUT... DO YOU HAVE
SALAD?
AYE.

SALAD?
AYE.
WE HAVE A SCOTTISH SALAD.

AYE.
WE HAVE A SCOTTISH SALAD.
WHAT'S IN IT?

WE HAVE A SCOTTISH SALAD.
WHAT'S IN IT?
WELL, IT'S A CHEF'S SALAD

WHAT'S IN IT?
WELL, IT'S A CHEF'S SALAD
THAT'S GOT THORNS, BRIARS,

WELL, IT'S A CHEF'S SALAD
THAT'S GOT THORNS, BRIARS,
BURRS, STINGING NETTLES,

THAT'S GOT THORNS, BRIARS,
BURRS, STINGING NETTLES,
RAGWEED, SERVED ON A BED OF

BURRS, STINGING NETTLES,
RAGWEED, SERVED ON A BED OF
THISTLES WITH A BITTER RADISH

RAGWEED, SERVED ON A BED OF
THISTLES WITH A BITTER RADISH
DRESSING.

THISTLES WITH A BITTER RADISH
DRESSING.
AND NORMALLY IT HAS CACTUS IN

DRESSING.
AND NORMALLY IT HAS CACTUS IN
IT, BUT I THINK WE'RE OUT.

AND NORMALLY IT HAS CACTUS IN
IT, BUT I THINK WE'RE OUT.
ANGUS!

IT, BUT I THINK WE'RE OUT.
ANGUS!
WE HAVE ANY CACTUS?

ANGUS!
WE HAVE ANY CACTUS?
[Scottish accent] THEY'RE

WE HAVE ANY CACTUS?
[Scottish accent] THEY'RE
OUT OF SEASON.

[Scottish accent] THEY'RE
OUT OF SEASON.
AYE.

OUT OF SEASON.
AYE.
THERE YOU GO. NO CACTUS.

AYE.
THERE YOU GO. NO CACTUS.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO,

THERE YOU GO. NO CACTUS.
BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO,
SEEING AS THERE'S NO CACTUS...

BUT I'LL TELL YOU WHAT I'LL DO,
SEEING AS THERE'S NO CACTUS...
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA HELPING

SEEING AS THERE'S NO CACTUS...
I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA HELPING
OF THISTLES.

I'LL GIVE YOU AN EXTRA HELPING
OF THISTLES.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?

OF THISTLES.
UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.
I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE THE

I'M NOT REALLY THAT HUNGRY.
I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE THE
OATCAKES.

I THINK I'LL JUST HAVE THE
OATCAKES.
YEAH, ME TOO.

OATCAKES.
YEAH, ME TOO.
FINE. A GOOD CHOICE.

YEAH, ME TOO.
FINE. A GOOD CHOICE.
YOU KNOW, THEY COME WITH A SIDE

FINE. A GOOD CHOICE.
YOU KNOW, THEY COME WITH A SIDE
ORDER OF THISTLES.

YOU KNOW, THEY COME WITH A SIDE
ORDER OF THISTLES.
LOOK, COULD YOU JUST LEAVE

ORDER OF THISTLES.
LOOK, COULD YOU JUST LEAVE
THE THISTLES OUT?

LOOK, COULD YOU JUST LEAVE
THE THISTLES OUT?
WELL, I COULD, BUT THAT WOULD

THE THISTLES OUT?
WELL, I COULD, BUT THAT WOULD
BE A SUBSTITUTION, AND I'D HAVE

WELL, I COULD, BUT THAT WOULD
BE A SUBSTITUTION, AND I'D HAVE
TO CHARGE YOU.

BE A SUBSTITUTION, AND I'D HAVE
TO CHARGE YOU.
UH, FINE. THAT'S FINE.

TO CHARGE YOU.
UH, FINE. THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT.

UH, FINE. THAT'S FINE.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE
PREFER THE CUSTOMERS TO PAY IN

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, WE
PREFER THE CUSTOMERS TO PAY IN
ADVANCE.

PREFER THE CUSTOMERS TO PAY IN
ADVANCE.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR DRIVER'S

ADVANCE.
IF YOU LEAVE YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE WITH ME, HOWEVER, I

IF YOU LEAVE YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE WITH ME, HOWEVER, I
THINK WE CAN ARRANGE TO HAVE YOU

LICENSE WITH ME, HOWEVER, I
THINK WE CAN ARRANGE TO HAVE YOU
PAY AT THE END OF THE MEAL.

THINK WE CAN ARRANGE TO HAVE YOU
PAY AT THE END OF THE MEAL.
MY DRIVER'S LICENSE?

PAY AT THE END OF THE MEAL.
MY DRIVER'S LICENSE?
AYE. SECURITY.

MY DRIVER'S LICENSE?
AYE. SECURITY.
UH-HUH.

AYE. SECURITY.
UH-HUH.
WELL, DON'T LOSE IT, NOW.

UH-HUH.
WELL, DON'T LOSE IT, NOW.
I WON'T. DON'T WORRY.

WELL, DON'T LOSE IT, NOW.
I WON'T. DON'T WORRY.
HERE'S YOUR CLAIM CHECK.

I WON'T. DON'T WORRY.
HERE'S YOUR CLAIM CHECK.
OH, THANK YOU.

HERE'S YOUR CLAIM CHECK.
OH, THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW, ONCE I SIT DOWN

OH, THANK YOU.
WELL, YOU KNOW, ONCE I SIT DOWN
IN A PLACE, IN A RESTAURANT, I

WELL, YOU KNOW, ONCE I SIT DOWN
IN A PLACE, IN A RESTAURANT, I
JUST NEVER GET UP AND WALK OUT.

IN A PLACE, IN A RESTAURANT, I
JUST NEVER GET UP AND WALK OUT.
I'M TOO SHY. THAT'S ALL.

JUST NEVER GET UP AND WALK OUT.
I'M TOO SHY. THAT'S ALL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE HERE.

I'M TOO SHY. THAT'S ALL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE HERE.
WE MIGHT AS WELL STICK IT OUT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE'RE HERE.
WE MIGHT AS WELL STICK IT OUT.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.

WE MIGHT AS WELL STICK IT OUT.
RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
IS THERE A JACKIE STEWART HERE?

HELLO?
IS THERE A JACKIE STEWART HERE?
MR. JACKIE STEWART?

IS THERE A JACKIE STEWART HERE?
MR. JACKIE STEWART?
I DON'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE. NO.

MR. JACKIE STEWART?
I DON'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE. NO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT WAS A

I DON'T BELIEVE HE'S HERE. NO.
YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT WAS A
MISTAKE COMING HERE.

YOU KNOW, MAYBE IT WAS A
MISTAKE COMING HERE.
I MEAN, AT LEAST WE CAN SAY WE

MISTAKE COMING HERE.
I MEAN, AT LEAST WE CAN SAY WE
ATE SCOTTISH.

I MEAN, AT LEAST WE CAN SAY WE
ATE SCOTTISH.
HERE YOU GO.

ATE SCOTTISH.
HERE YOU GO.
SOME FINE OATCAKES.

HERE YOU GO.
SOME FINE OATCAKES.
AND HERE IS HEATHER.

SOME FINE OATCAKES.
AND HERE IS HEATHER.
SHE WILL BE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT

AND HERE IS HEATHER.
SHE WILL BE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
FOR THE EVENING.

SHE WILL BE YOUR ENTERTAINMENT
FOR THE EVENING.
[CLEARS THROAT]

FOR THE EVENING.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[Scottish accent] A POEM BY

[CLEARS THROAT]
[Scottish accent] A POEM BY
RABBIE BURNS.

[Scottish accent] A POEM BY
RABBIE BURNS.
"OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED, RED

RABBIE BURNS.
"OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED, RED
ROSE THAT'S NEWLY SPRUNG IN

"OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A RED, RED
ROSE THAT'S NEWLY SPRUNG IN
JUNE.

ROSE THAT'S NEWLY SPRUNG IN
JUNE.
OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A MELODY

JUNE.
OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A MELODY
THAT'S SWEETLY PLAYED IN TUNE."

OH, MY LOVE IS LIKE A MELODY
THAT'S SWEETLY PLAYED IN TUNE."
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE.

THAT'S SWEETLY PLAYED IN TUNE."
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE.
THAT'LL BE $2.75.

OH, THAT'S VERY NICE.
THAT'LL BE $2.75.
I-I-I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.

THAT'LL BE $2.75.
I-I-I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
[CHUCKLES]

I-I-I DON'T HAVE ANY CHANGE.
[CHUCKLES]
NO CHANGE? REALLY?

[CHUCKLES]
NO CHANGE? REALLY?
NO.

NO CHANGE? REALLY?
NO.
WELL, PERHAPS I COULD MAIL

NO.
WELL, PERHAPS I COULD MAIL
YOU THE CHANGE.

WELL, PERHAPS I COULD MAIL
YOU THE CHANGE.
KEEP IT.

YOU THE CHANGE.
KEEP IT.
WE COULD RUN UP A REAL TAB IN

KEEP IT.
WE COULD RUN UP A REAL TAB IN
A PLACE LIKE THIS, HONEY.

WE COULD RUN UP A REAL TAB IN
A PLACE LIKE THIS, HONEY.
DARLING, I DON'T CARE.

A PLACE LIKE THIS, HONEY.
DARLING, I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE.

DARLING, I DON'T CARE.
I DON'T CARE.
YOU AREN'T MAD AT ME FOR

I DON'T CARE.
YOU AREN'T MAD AT ME FOR
BRINGING YOU HERE, ARE YOU?

YOU AREN'T MAD AT ME FOR
BRINGING YOU HERE, ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T...

BRINGING YOU HERE, ARE YOU?
YOU KNOW, I DON'T...
HMM?

YOU KNOW, I DON'T...
HMM?
LOOK, HONEY, I HAVE A GOOD

HMM?
LOOK, HONEY, I HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH YOU WHEREVER WE ARE.

LOOK, HONEY, I HAVE A GOOD
TIME WITH YOU WHEREVER WE ARE.
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

TIME WITH YOU WHEREVER WE ARE.
OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,

OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,
BUT...

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SAY THIS,
BUT...
[BAGPIPES PLAY]

CHECK!
WHERE'S THE CHECK?!
I WANT THE CHECK!

WHERE'S THE CHECK?!
I WANT THE CHECK!
CHECK, PLEASE!

I WANT THE CHECK!
CHECK, PLEASE!
HERE. STOP THEM.

CHECK, PLEASE!
HERE. STOP THEM.
JUST STOP THEM.

HERE. STOP THEM.
JUST STOP THEM.
THERE YOU GO.

JUST STOP THEM.
THERE YOU GO.
CHECK.

THERE YOU GO.
CHECK.
STOP! STOP! OFF!

CHECK.
STOP! STOP! OFF!
[MUSIC STOPS]

STOP! STOP! OFF!
[MUSIC STOPS]
I PAID HIM. STOP.

[MUSIC STOPS]
I PAID HIM. STOP.
ALL RIGHT. THE CHECK.

I PAID HIM. STOP.
ALL RIGHT. THE CHECK.
THAT'LL BE $62.74.

ALL RIGHT. THE CHECK.
THAT'LL BE $62.74.
PLUS 75 CENTS FOR THE CHECK

THAT'LL BE $62.74.
PLUS 75 CENTS FOR THE CHECK
ITSELF.

PLUS 75 CENTS FOR THE CHECK
ITSELF.
BRINGS IT TO A TOTAL OF $63.49.

ITSELF.
BRINGS IT TO A TOTAL OF $63.49.
$63.49 FOR WHAT?!

BRINGS IT TO A TOTAL OF $63.49.
$63.49 FOR WHAT?!
OH, COME ON.

$63.49 FOR WHAT?!
OH, COME ON.
FORGET IT, HONEY.

OH, COME ON.
FORGET IT, HONEY.
DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS?

FORGET IT, HONEY.
DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS?
NO.

DO YOU TAKE CREDIT CARDS?
NO.
NO CREDIT CARDS, NO MONEY

NO.
NO CREDIT CARDS, NO MONEY
ORDERS, NO CHECKS.

NO CREDIT CARDS, NO MONEY
ORDERS, NO CHECKS.
ONLY CASH.

ORDERS, NO CHECKS.
ONLY CASH.
I HAVE A WEE FAVOR TO ASK

ONLY CASH.
I HAVE A WEE FAVOR TO ASK
YOU... WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME

I HAVE A WEE FAVOR TO ASK
YOU... WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME
THE CASH?

YOU... WOULD YOU MIND GIVING ME
THE CASH?
I'LL PAY FOR IT WITH MY CREDIT

THE CASH?
I'LL PAY FOR IT WITH MY CREDIT
CARD, AND THEN I CAN WRITE THE

I'LL PAY FOR IT WITH MY CREDIT
CARD, AND THEN I CAN WRITE THE
DINNER OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE

CARD, AND THEN I CAN WRITE THE
DINNER OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE
ON MY INCOME TAX.

DINNER OFF AS A BUSINESS EXPENSE
ON MY INCOME TAX.
THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!

ON MY INCOME TAX.
THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!
COME ON.

THAT'S IT! THAT'S IT!
COME ON.
YOU PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGEOUS.

COME ON.
YOU PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGEOUS.
WE'RE LEAVING, AND WE'RE NOT

YOU PEOPLE ARE OUTRAGEOUS.
WE'RE LEAVING, AND WE'RE NOT
GONNA PAY ANYTHING ANYWAY.

WE'RE LEAVING, AND WE'RE NOT
GONNA PAY ANYTHING ANYWAY.
I'VE GOT YOUR DRIVER'S

GONNA PAY ANYTHING ANYWAY.
I'VE GOT YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE HERE.

I'VE GOT YOUR DRIVER'S
LICENSE HERE.
WELL, GIVE ME BACK MY

LICENSE HERE.
WELL, GIVE ME BACK MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WELL, GIVE ME BACK MY
DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[BAGPIPES PLAY]

DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[BAGPIPES PLAY]
HERE. HERE'S MONEY.

Announcer: JOHN BELUSHI IS ON

HIS WAY TO A GOLD MEDAL IN THE

DECATHLON.

THEY'RE SETTING THE BAR AT

7 FEET.

HERE'S HIS APPROACH.

[CROWD CHEERING]
AND HE GOT IT!
BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD.

AND HE GOT IT!
BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD.
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S

BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD.
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD.

NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD.
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.

RECORD.
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.

HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE.
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.

THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!

HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!
[CROWD CHEERS]

HE'S GOT IT!
[CROWD CHEERS]
A SPECTACULAR TIME.

[CROWD CHEERS]
A SPECTACULAR TIME.
A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.

A SPECTACULAR TIME.
A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.

A NEW WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!

UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!
[CROWD CHEERING]

WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!
[CROWD CHEERING]
I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES

[CROWD CHEERING]
I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES
TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I

I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES
TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I
DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...

TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I
DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.

DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.
THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT

LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.
THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT
THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING

THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT
THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING
IN THE MORNING.

THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING
IN THE MORNING.
THAT'S WHY LITTLE CHOCOLATE

IN THE MORNING.
THAT'S WHY LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DONUTS HAVE BEEN ON MY TRAINING

THAT'S WHY LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DONUTS HAVE BEEN ON MY TRAINING
TABLE SINCE I WAS A KID.

DONUTS HAVE BEEN ON MY TRAINING
TABLE SINCE I WAS A KID.
[CROWD CHEERING]

TABLE SINCE I WAS A KID.
[CROWD CHEERING]
Announcer: LITTLE CHOCOLATE

[CROWD CHEERING]
Announcer: LITTLE CHOCOLATE
DONUTS.

"THE DONUTS OF CHAMPIONS."

ONCE AGAIN, HERE IS
RICKIE LEE JONES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICKIE LEE JONES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["COOLSVILLE" PLAYS]

♪ I AND BRAGGAR
AND JUNIOR LEE ♪
♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY WE ALWAYS

AND JUNIOR LEE ♪
♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY WE ALWAYS
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ♪

♪ WELL, THAT'S THE WAY WE ALWAYS
THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ♪
♪ IN THE WIND-STREWN LEAVES OF

THOUGHT IT WOULD BE ♪
♪ IN THE WIND-STREWN LEAVES OF
SEPTEMBER ♪

♪ IN THE WIND-STREWN LEAVES OF
SEPTEMBER ♪
♪ HOW WE MET, DECKED OUT LIKE

SEPTEMBER ♪
♪ HOW WE MET, DECKED OUT LIKE
ACES, WE'D BEAT ANYBODY'S BET ♪

♪ HOW WE MET, DECKED OUT LIKE
ACES, WE'D BEAT ANYBODY'S BET ♪
♪ 'CAUSE WE WAS COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE WAS COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ YE-E-E-E-E-AH ♪

♪ WELL, YOU STICK IT HERE ♪
♪ YOU STICK IT OVER THERE ♪
♪ BUT IT NEVER FITS ♪

♪ YOU STICK IT OVER THERE ♪
♪ BUT IT NEVER FITS ♪
♪ AND NOW THE HUNGRY NIGHT WANTS

♪ BUT IT NEVER FITS ♪
♪ AND NOW THE HUNGRY NIGHT WANTS
IT MORE AND MORE, AND YOU CHIP

♪ AND NOW THE HUNGRY NIGHT WANTS
IT MORE AND MORE, AND YOU CHIP
IN YOUR LITTLE KISS ♪

IT MORE AND MORE, AND YOU CHIP
IN YOUR LITTLE KISS ♪
♪ WELL, I JUMPED ALL HIS JOKERS,

IN YOUR LITTLE KISS ♪
♪ WELL, I JUMPED ALL HIS JOKERS,
BUT HE TRUMPED ALL MY TRICKS ♪

♪ WELL, I JUMPED ALL HIS JOKERS,
BUT HE TRUMPED ALL MY TRICKS ♪
♪ BUT I, I, I SWEAR TO GOD,

BUT HE TRUMPED ALL MY TRICKS ♪
♪ BUT I, I, I SWEAR TO GOD,
I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS SMART

♪ BUT I, I, I SWEAR TO GOD,
I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS SMART
ENOUGH TO STICK IT INTO

I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS SMART
ENOUGH TO STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE, RIGHT ♪

ENOUGH TO STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE, RIGHT ♪
♪ HEY, STICK IT INTO

COOLSVILLE, RIGHT ♪
♪ HEY, STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ HEY, STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪

COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ OOH, OOH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO STICK IT INTO

♪ OOH, OOH ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO STICK IT INTO
COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ BABE ♪

♪ SO NOW IT'S J AND B AND ME,
AND THAT SOUNDS CLOSE,
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ♪

AND THAT SOUNDS CLOSE,
BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ♪
♪ WELL, THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE

BUT IT'S NOT THE SAME ♪
♪ WELL, THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE
HOT CITY DON'T HURT THAT MUCH

♪ WELL, THAT'S OKAY, 'CAUSE
HOT CITY DON'T HURT THAT MUCH
WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS THE SAME ♪

HOT CITY DON'T HURT THAT MUCH
WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS THE SAME ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME ♪

WHEN EVERYTHING FEELS THE SAME ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME ♪
♪ THE REAL THING GONE ♪

♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME ♪
♪ THE REAL THING GONE ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME, AND

♪ THE REAL THING GONE ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME, AND
THE REAL THING GONE ♪

♪ WELL, THE REAL THING COME, AND
THE REAL THING GONE ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING IS BACK

THE REAL THING GONE ♪
♪ WELL, THE REAL THING IS BACK
IN TOWN ♪

♪ WELL, THE REAL THING IS BACK
IN TOWN ♪
♪ ASK ME, IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE

IN TOWN ♪
♪ ASK ME, IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE
WAY TO COOLSVILLE ♪

♪ ASK ME, IF YOU WANNA KNOW THE
WAY TO COOLSVILLE ♪
[CHUCKLES]

WAY TO COOLSVILLE ♪
[CHUCKLES]
♪ [Deep voice] WELL, I HEAR

[CHUCKLES]
♪ [Deep voice] WELL, I HEAR
YOU WANNA GO BACK TO

♪ [Deep voice] WELL, I HEAR
YOU WANNA GO BACK TO
COOLSVILLE ♪

YOU WANNA GO BACK TO
COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ [Normal voice] WELL, THEN,

COOLSVILLE ♪
♪ [Normal voice] WELL, THEN,
COME ON ♪

♪ [Normal voice] WELL, THEN,
COME ON ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE YOU BACK

COME ON ♪
♪ I'LL TAKE YOU BACK
TO COOLSVILLE ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]

WE HAVE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT IN
A MINUTE.
I WANT TO SAY THAT I HAD THE

A MINUTE.
I WANT TO SAY THAT I HAD THE
BEST TIME I'VE EVER HAD ANYWHERE

I WANT TO SAY THAT I HAD THE
BEST TIME I'VE EVER HAD ANYWHERE
FOR TRUE.

BEST TIME I'VE EVER HAD ANYWHERE
FOR TRUE.
LIVE IS REALLY LIVE.

FOR TRUE.
LIVE IS REALLY LIVE.
LET ME TELL YOU.

LIVE IS REALLY LIVE.
LET ME TELL YOU.
THANK YOU.

LET ME TELL YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY
NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE
MILTON BERLE, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE
MILTON BERLE, WITH MUSICAL GUEST
ORNETTE COLEMAN.

MILTON BERLE, WITH MUSICAL GUEST
ORNETTE COLEMAN.
ALSO IN TONIGHT'S CAST...

ORNETTE COLEMAN.
ALSO IN TONIGHT'S CAST...
MARVIN GOLDHAR.

ALSO IN TONIGHT'S CAST...
MARVIN GOLDHAR.
THIS IS DON PARDO.

MARVIN GOLDHAR.
THIS IS DON PARDO.
GOOD NIGHT.