Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 15 - Margot Kidder/The Chieftains - full transcript

The host for the episode is Margot Kidder, and the musical guest is The Chieftans. The skits for this episode are as follows: DJ Dick Lankey broadcasts from Doyle's Tavern for St. Patrick's Day, where Mayor Daley's ghost is supposed to reappear. Margot Kidder's opening monologue is interrupted by technical difficulties when the entire camera crew gets completely drunk. An ad for the navy shows sailors scrubbing floors, working in the mess hall and sitting around watching TV. A female bank executive on a business trip finds that her company has arranged for a male prostitute to spend the night with her. During the Weekend Update, Jane Curtain reports on Richard Nixon's grandson and a monkey shortage in medical research, Bill Murray wishes a happy hundredth birthday to Albert Einstein, Father Guido Sarducci vents about favoritism regarding American and Irish saints, and Jane and Dan debate Lee Marvin's palimony case. Superman and Lois Lane, now married, are having a party, but when Superman changes into Clark Kent, Lois confesses to him that she's been unfaithful. Al Franken complains that his face and name are being used to sell FrankenBerry cereal, and then tries to drum up sympathy for a sick homeless man. A group of women discuss the problems with men. Mr. Bill tries to hide when Mr. Hands comes to take him bowling, but he ends up getting crushed under a bowling ball. The Chieftans perform "If I Had Maggie in the Woods" and "Morning Dew".

Announcer: "LITTLE WOMEN AND
BIG BASKETBALL PLAYERS" WILL NOT
BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY

BIG BASKETBALL PLAYERS" WILL NOT
BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
PROGRAM.

PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
PROGRAM.
♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE NO

PROGRAM.
♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE NO
UNICORN ♪

♪ YOU'RE NEVER GONNA SEE NO
UNICORN ♪
WE'RE BACK.

UNICORN ♪
WE'RE BACK.
THAT WAS THE "UNICORN" SONG BY

WE'RE BACK.
THAT WAS THE "UNICORN" SONG BY
THE IRISH ROVERS, AND THIS IS

THAT WAS THE "UNICORN" SONG BY
THE IRISH ROVERS, AND THIS IS
DICK LANKY, WGN RADIO, WHERE

THE IRISH ROVERS, AND THIS IS
DICK LANKY, WGN RADIO, WHERE
WE'RE A CLEAR CHANNEL STATION.

DICK LANKY, WGN RADIO, WHERE
WE'RE A CLEAR CHANNEL STATION.
AND WE'RE REMOTE FROM



WE'RE A CLEAR CHANNEL STATION.
AND WE'RE REMOTE FROM
DOYLE'S TAVERN ON THE CORNER OF

AND WE'RE REMOTE FROM
DOYLE'S TAVERN ON THE CORNER OF
NORTH AVENUE AND HALSTEAD, WHERE

DOYLE'S TAVERN ON THE CORNER OF
NORTH AVENUE AND HALSTEAD, WHERE
THE LATE MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY

NORTH AVENUE AND HALSTEAD, WHERE
THE LATE MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY
IS EXPECTED TO REAPPEAR, JUST

THE LATE MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY
IS EXPECTED TO REAPPEAR, JUST
LIKE HE DID LAST ST. PATRICK'S

IS EXPECTED TO REAPPEAR, JUST
LIKE HE DID LAST ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.

LIKE HE DID LAST ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.
UH, CONGRATULATIONS HAS GOT TO

DAY.
UH, CONGRATULATIONS HAS GOT TO
GO OUT TO THOSE DePAUL BLUE

UH, CONGRATULATIONS HAS GOT TO
GO OUT TO THOSE DePAUL BLUE
DEMONS AND COACH RAY MEYER.

GO OUT TO THOSE DePAUL BLUE
DEMONS AND COACH RAY MEYER.
GOD BLESS YOU.

DEMONS AND COACH RAY MEYER.
GOD BLESS YOU.
YOU KNOW, ST. PATRICK WAS

GOD BLESS YOU.
YOU KNOW, ST. PATRICK WAS
LOOKING DOWN ON YOU, RAY MEYER.

YOU KNOW, ST. PATRICK WAS
LOOKING DOWN ON YOU, RAY MEYER.
WE GOT SOMEBODY ON THE LINE

LOOKING DOWN ON YOU, RAY MEYER.
WE GOT SOMEBODY ON THE LINE
RIGHT NOW.



WE GOT SOMEBODY ON THE LINE
RIGHT NOW.
WHO AM I SPEAKING TO, PLEASE?

RIGHT NOW.
WHO AM I SPEAKING TO, PLEASE?
UH, PAM KARINSKI FROM

WHO AM I SPEAKING TO, PLEASE?
UH, PAM KARINSKI FROM
ELMHURST.

UH, PAM KARINSKI FROM
ELMHURST.
DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR

ELMHURST.
DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY, PAM?

DO YOU HAVE A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY, PAM?
UH, YES.

MAYOR RICHARD J. DALEY, PAM?
UH, YES.
I'D LIKE TO ASK MAYOR DALEY HOW

UH, YES.
I'D LIKE TO ASK MAYOR DALEY HOW
HE WOULD HAVE HANDLED OUR HEAVY

I'D LIKE TO ASK MAYOR DALEY HOW
HE WOULD HAVE HANDLED OUR HEAVY
SNOWFALL PROBLEM.

HE WOULD HAVE HANDLED OUR HEAVY
SNOWFALL PROBLEM.
NOW, WE HAVE HAD THAT

SNOWFALL PROBLEM.
NOW, WE HAVE HAD THAT
QUESTION.

NOW, WE HAVE HAD THAT
QUESTION.
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T HEAR THAT.

QUESTION.
YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
SOMEBODY MENTIONED IT BEFORE.

YOU PROBABLY DIDN'T HEAR THAT.
SOMEBODY MENTIONED IT BEFORE.
WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE ASKING

SOMEBODY MENTIONED IT BEFORE.
WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE ASKING
ABOUT THE SNOW PROBLEM FOR SURE.

WE'RE DEFINITELY GONNA BE ASKING
ABOUT THE SNOW PROBLEM FOR SURE.
THANKS FOR CALLING.

ABOUT THE SNOW PROBLEM FOR SURE.
THANKS FOR CALLING.
YOU GOT A QUESTION YOU'D LIKE TO

THANKS FOR CALLING.
YOU GOT A QUESTION YOU'D LIKE TO
ASK MAYOR DALEY, HERE ARE SOME

YOU GOT A QUESTION YOU'D LIKE TO
ASK MAYOR DALEY, HERE ARE SOME
OF THE QUESTIONS WE'VE GOTTEN

ASK MAYOR DALEY, HERE ARE SOME
OF THE QUESTIONS WE'VE GOTTEN
ALREADY THAT PEOPLE WANT TO

OF THE QUESTIONS WE'VE GOTTEN
ALREADY THAT PEOPLE WANT TO
KNOW... "WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE

ALREADY THAT PEOPLE WANT TO
KNOW... "WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE
DEAD?"

KNOW... "WHAT IS IT LIKE TO BE
DEAD?"
GOOD QUESTION.

DEAD?"
GOOD QUESTION.
"WHEN IS THE WAR IN IRELAND

GOOD QUESTION.
"WHEN IS THE WAR IN IRELAND
GONNA BE SETTLED?

"WHEN IS THE WAR IN IRELAND
GONNA BE SETTLED?
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET PEACE OVER

GONNA BE SETTLED?
WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET PEACE OVER
THERE?"

WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET PEACE OVER
THERE?"
"ARE THERE SUNSETS IN HEAVEN?"

THERE?"
"ARE THERE SUNSETS IN HEAVEN?"
INTERESTING.

"ARE THERE SUNSETS IN HEAVEN?"
INTERESTING.
CALL IN YOUR QUESTION.

INTERESTING.
CALL IN YOUR QUESTION.
555-1010.

CALL IN YOUR QUESTION.
555-1010.
THAT'S OUR NUMBER.

555-1010.
THAT'S OUR NUMBER.
WITH ME IS BOB GALLAGHER, WHO

THAT'S OUR NUMBER.
WITH ME IS BOB GALLAGHER, WHO
WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY PEOPLE WHO

WITH ME IS BOB GALLAGHER, WHO
WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY PEOPLE WHO
WAS HERE WHEN THE MAYOR APPEARED

WAS ONE OF THE LUCKY PEOPLE WHO
WAS HERE WHEN THE MAYOR APPEARED
LAST YEAR.

WAS HERE WHEN THE MAYOR APPEARED
LAST YEAR.
BOB, DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE BACK?

LAST YEAR.
BOB, DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE BACK?
WELL, I'M, UH, PRETTY SURE HE

BOB, DO YOU THINK HE'LL BE BACK?
WELL, I'M, UH, PRETTY SURE HE
WILL BE.

WELL, I'M, UH, PRETTY SURE HE
WILL BE.
I'VE HEARD REPORTS.

WILL BE.
I'VE HEARD REPORTS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE CLAIM THEY SAW

I'VE HEARD REPORTS.
A LOT OF PEOPLE CLAIM THEY SAW
HIM, PLAIN AS DAY, WALKING DOWN

A LOT OF PEOPLE CLAIM THEY SAW
HIM, PLAIN AS DAY, WALKING DOWN
STATE STREET AFTER THE PARADE.

HIM, PLAIN AS DAY, WALKING DOWN
STATE STREET AFTER THE PARADE.
I'LL BET HE'LL PROBABLY BE

STATE STREET AFTER THE PARADE.
I'LL BET HE'LL PROBABLY BE
DROPPING BY HERE SOON.

I'LL BET HE'LL PROBABLY BE
DROPPING BY HERE SOON.
WE GOT ALL HIS FAVORITE TUNES

DROPPING BY HERE SOON.
WE GOT ALL HIS FAVORITE TUNES
ON THE JUKEBOX.

WE GOT ALL HIS FAVORITE TUNES
ON THE JUKEBOX.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE

ON THE JUKEBOX.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE
QUESTIONS WE'VE GOT FOR HIM?

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THE
QUESTIONS WE'VE GOT FOR HIM?
DO YOU THINK HE'LL MIND

QUESTIONS WE'VE GOT FOR HIM?
DO YOU THINK HE'LL MIND
ANSWERING A FEW QUESTIONS?

DO YOU THINK HE'LL MIND
ANSWERING A FEW QUESTIONS?
I DON'T THINK SO.

ANSWERING A FEW QUESTIONS?
I DON'T THINK SO.
HE WAS REAL FRIENDLY LAST YEAR.

I DON'T THINK SO.
HE WAS REAL FRIENDLY LAST YEAR.
WELL, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING

HE WAS REAL FRIENDLY LAST YEAR.
WELL, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING
EVERYBODY AT HOME JUST EXACTLY

WELL, WOULD YOU MIND TELLING
EVERYBODY AT HOME JUST EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR?

EVERYBODY AT HOME JUST EXACTLY
WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR?
OKAY, UH, MY FRIEND AND ME

WHAT HAPPENED LAST YEAR?
OKAY, UH, MY FRIEND AND ME
WERE STANDING RIGHT OVER NEAR

OKAY, UH, MY FRIEND AND ME
WERE STANDING RIGHT OVER NEAR
THE BAR, TALKING ABOUT THE

WERE STANDING RIGHT OVER NEAR
THE BAR, TALKING ABOUT THE
MAYOR.

THE BAR, TALKING ABOUT THE
MAYOR.
AND, ALL OF A SUDDEN,

MAYOR.
AND, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS THIS PUFF OF GREEN

AND, ALL OF A SUDDEN,
THERE WAS THIS PUFF OF GREEN
SMOKE, AND THERE HE WAS.

THERE WAS THIS PUFF OF GREEN
SMOKE, AND THERE HE WAS.
HE STOOD RIGHT OVER THERE NEXT

SMOKE, AND THERE HE WAS.
HE STOOD RIGHT OVER THERE NEXT
TO THE JUKEBOX, AND HE WAS

HE STOOD RIGHT OVER THERE NEXT
TO THE JUKEBOX, AND HE WAS
HOLDING A TURKEY UNDER HIS ARM.

TO THE JUKEBOX, AND HE WAS
HOLDING A TURKEY UNDER HIS ARM.
AND HE LEFT...

HOLDING A TURKEY UNDER HIS ARM.
AND HE LEFT...
HE LEFT IT RIGHT HERE.

AND HE LEFT...
HE LEFT IT RIGHT HERE.
IT WAS A 10-POUND BUTTERBALL.

HE LEFT IT RIGHT HERE.
IT WAS A 10-POUND BUTTERBALL.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.

IT WAS A 10-POUND BUTTERBALL.
IT WAS DELICIOUS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST

IT WAS DELICIOUS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST
QUESTION WE'VE GOT FOR HIM SO

WHAT DO YOU THINK IS THE BEST
QUESTION WE'VE GOT FOR HIM SO
FAR?

QUESTION WE'VE GOT FOR HIM SO
FAR?
WELL, PERSONALLY, I LIKE THE

FAR?
WELL, PERSONALLY, I LIKE THE
ONE THAT WANTS TO KNOW IF HE

WELL, PERSONALLY, I LIKE THE
ONE THAT WANTS TO KNOW IF HE
EVER MET ABRAHAM LINCOLN UP IN

ONE THAT WANTS TO KNOW IF HE
EVER MET ABRAHAM LINCOLN UP IN
HEAVEN.

EVER MET ABRAHAM LINCOLN UP IN
HEAVEN.
I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM THAT MYSELF.

HEAVEN.
I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM THAT MYSELF.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A

I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM THAT MYSELF.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A
QUESTION FOR MAYOR DALEY?

OKAY, ALL RIGHT, YOU GOT A
QUESTION FOR MAYOR DALEY?
555-1010.

QUESTION FOR MAYOR DALEY?
555-1010.
THAT'S THE NUMBER.

555-1010.
THAT'S THE NUMBER.
WE'RE WAITING FOR YOUR CALLS

THAT'S THE NUMBER.
WE'RE WAITING FOR YOUR CALLS
HERE.

WE'RE WAITING FOR YOUR CALLS
HERE.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR FROM YOU.

HERE.
COME ON, LET'S HEAR FROM YOU.
SIR MONTI ROCK III IS 42 TODAY.

COME ON, LET'S HEAR FROM YOU.
SIR MONTI ROCK III IS 42 TODAY.
AND ON THIS DAY IN 1910, THE

SIR MONTI ROCK III IS 42 TODAY.
AND ON THIS DAY IN 1910, THE
CAMP FIRE GIRLS OF AMERICA WAS

AND ON THIS DAY IN 1910, THE
CAMP FIRE GIRLS OF AMERICA WAS
FOUNDED IN LAKE SEBAGO, MAINE.

CAMP FIRE GIRLS OF AMERICA WAS
FOUNDED IN LAKE SEBAGO, MAINE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

FOUNDED IN LAKE SEBAGO, MAINE.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
HERE'S A CALL.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
HERE'S A CALL.
HELLO. DICK LANKY.

HERE'S A CALL.
HELLO. DICK LANKY.
DICK?

HELLO. DICK LANKY.
DICK?
THAT'S RIGHT.

DICK?
THAT'S RIGHT.
DICK LANKY, WGN.

THAT'S RIGHT.
DICK LANKY, WGN.
WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?

DICK LANKY, WGN.
WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?
DICK, THIS IS JANE BYRNE.

WHO AM I SPEAKING WITH?
DICK, THIS IS JANE BYRNE.
NOT MAYOR-ELECT-ALMOST

DICK, THIS IS JANE BYRNE.
NOT MAYOR-ELECT-ALMOST
JANE BYRNE, IS THAT WHO?

NOT MAYOR-ELECT-ALMOST
JANE BYRNE, IS THAT WHO?
IT'S ME, DICK!

JANE BYRNE, IS THAT WHO?
IT'S ME, DICK!
I WAS HOPING I COULD BE THERE TO

IT'S ME, DICK!
I WAS HOPING I COULD BE THERE TO
GREET THE MAYOR PERSONALLY, BUT

I WAS HOPING I COULD BE THERE TO
GREET THE MAYOR PERSONALLY, BUT
I'M BUSY CELEBRATING MY SECOND

GREET THE MAYOR PERSONALLY, BUT
I'M BUSY CELEBRATING MY SECOND
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.

I'M BUSY CELEBRATING MY SECOND
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
[Chuckling] WELL,

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY.
[Chuckling] WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.

[Chuckling] WELL,
CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.
HAVE YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR

CONGRATULATIONS, JANE.
HAVE YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR DALEY?

HAVE YOU GOT A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR DALEY?
YEAH.

MAYOR DALEY?
YEAH.
I-I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM, IF I

YEAH.
I-I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM, IF I
COULD GET THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

I-I'D LIKE TO ASK HIM, IF I
COULD GET THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
TO HAVE THE 1980 CONVENTION

COULD GET THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY
TO HAVE THE 1980 CONVENTION
HERE, WOULD HE PROMISE NOT TO

TO HAVE THE 1980 CONVENTION
HERE, WOULD HE PROMISE NOT TO
SHOW UP?

HERE, WOULD HE PROMISE NOT TO
SHOW UP?
AH!

SHOW UP?
AH!
ANOTHER CRANK CALL.

AH!
ANOTHER CRANK CALL.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

ANOTHER CRANK CALL.
I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
EXPECT THOSE.

I GUESS WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
EXPECT THOSE.
IT'S REALLY TOO BAD IT HAS TO

EXPECT THOSE.
IT'S REALLY TOO BAD IT HAS TO
HAPPEN ON A ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

IT'S REALLY TOO BAD IT HAS TO
HAPPEN ON A ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR

HAPPEN ON A ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR DALEY?

WHO'S GOT A QUESTION FOR
MAYOR DALEY?
555-1010.

MAYOR DALEY?
555-1010.
BOB, YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR

555-1010.
BOB, YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR
WATCH.

BOB, YOU'RE LOOKING AT YOUR
WATCH.
WHAT TIME HAVE WE GOT?

WATCH.
WHAT TIME HAVE WE GOT?
IT'S ALMOST 10:30.

WHAT TIME HAVE WE GOT?
IT'S ALMOST 10:30.
10:30.

IT'S ALMOST 10:30.
10:30.
THAT'S ABOUT THE TIME HE CAME

10:30.
THAT'S ABOUT THE TIME HE CAME
HERE LAST YEAR.

THAT'S ABOUT THE TIME HE CAME
HERE LAST YEAR.
OOH, BROTHER.

HERE LAST YEAR.
OOH, BROTHER.
HE WALKED IN RIGHT THROUGH

OOH, BROTHER.
HE WALKED IN RIGHT THROUGH
THAT DOOR.

HE WALKED IN RIGHT THROUGH
THAT DOOR.
[CONGREGATIONAL SINGING]

THAT DOOR.
[CONGREGATIONAL SINGING]
IT'S HIM.

[CONGREGATIONAL SINGING]
IT'S HIM.
THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!

IT'S HIM.
THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!
IT'S THE MAYOR!

THIS IS IT! THIS IS IT!
IT'S THE MAYOR!
[SINGING INTENSIFIES]

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I-IT'S NOT THE MAYOR,
IT'S... IT'S JIMMY HOFFA.
I'M SORRY THAT MAYOR DALEY

IT'S... IT'S JIMMY HOFFA.
I'M SORRY THAT MAYOR DALEY
COULD NOT BE HERE.

I'M SORRY THAT MAYOR DALEY
COULD NOT BE HERE.
HE'S STILL IN PURGATORY.

COULD NOT BE HERE.
HE'S STILL IN PURGATORY.
HE SENDS HIS BEST.

HE'S STILL IN PURGATORY.
HE SENDS HIS BEST.
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I WOULD

HE SENDS HIS BEST.
BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I WOULD
LIKE TO SAY.

BUT THERE IS SOMETHING I WOULD
LIKE TO SAY.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

LIKE TO SAY.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
WITH MARGOT KIDDER.

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH GUESTS THE CHIEFTAINS...
THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN
AND DAVIS...

THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN
AND DAVIS...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

AND DAVIS...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARGOT KIDDER!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARGOT KIDDER!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
INTENSIFY]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
INTENSIFY]
THANK YOU!

[INTENSIFY]
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
WOW!

THANK YOU!
WOW!
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!

WOW!
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BOY, THANKS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
BOY, THANKS!
IT'S, UH... IT'S REALLY A DOUBLE

BOY, THANKS!
IT'S, UH... IT'S REALLY A DOUBLE
TREAT FOR ME TO BE HERE TONIGHT,

IT'S, UH... IT'S REALLY A DOUBLE
TREAT FOR ME TO BE HERE TONIGHT,
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"

TREAT FOR ME TO BE HERE TONIGHT,
HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"
BECAUSE IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

HOSTING "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE,"
BECAUSE IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
AND, UH, YOU NEW YORKERS ARE

BECAUSE IT'S ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
AND, UH, YOU NEW YORKERS ARE
RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MINDS, I GOT

AND, UH, YOU NEW YORKERS ARE
RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MINDS, I GOT
TO TELL YOU.

RIGHT OUT OF YOUR MINDS, I GOT
TO TELL YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO TELL YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, THIS CITY WAS ONE BIG

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I MEAN, THIS CITY WAS ONE BIG
PARTY TODAY.

I MEAN, THIS CITY WAS ONE BIG
PARTY TODAY.
YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE MARDI GRAS

PARTY TODAY.
YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE MARDI GRAS
LOOK LIKE A WAKE.

YOU ACTUALLY MADE THE MARDI GRAS
LOOK LIKE A WAKE.
I MEAN, THE PARADE WAS TERRIFIC.

LOOK LIKE A WAKE.
I MEAN, THE PARADE WAS TERRIFIC.
EVERYBODY'S DRUNK IN ALL THE

I MEAN, THE PARADE WAS TERRIFIC.
EVERYBODY'S DRUNK IN ALL THE
BARS.

EVERYBODY'S DRUNK IN ALL THE
BARS.
BUT I-I SORT OF... I GUESS IT'S

BARS.
BUT I-I SORT OF... I GUESS IT'S
THE LUCK OF THE IRISH.

BUT I-I SORT OF... I GUESS IT'S
THE LUCK OF THE IRISH.
UH, I FEEL PROUD TO BE IRISH.

THE LUCK OF THE IRISH.
UH, I FEEL PROUD TO BE IRISH.
MARGOT. MARGOT.

UH, I FEEL PROUD TO BE IRISH.
MARGOT. MARGOT.
GILDA, HI.

MARGOT. MARGOT.
GILDA, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

GILDA, HI.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AREN'T WE ON THE AIR?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
AREN'T WE ON THE AIR?
UH, YEAH.

AREN'T WE ON THE AIR?
UH, YEAH.
WELL, WE'RE SORT OF HALF ON THE

UH, YEAH.
WELL, WE'RE SORT OF HALF ON THE
AIR.

WELL, WE'RE SORT OF HALF ON THE
AIR.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HALF ON?

AIR.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN HALF ON?
WAIT, JUST COME DOWN HERE AND

WHAT DO YOU MEAN HALF ON?
WAIT, JUST COME DOWN HERE AND
LOOK FOR A SECOND.

WAIT, JUST COME DOWN HERE AND
LOOK FOR A SECOND.
BUT...

LOOK FOR A SECOND.
BUT...
HI.

BUT...
HI.
OH.

HI.
OH.
OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

OH.
OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
YEAH.

OH, I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.
YEAH.
UH, GILDA, WHAT'S GOING ON?

YEAH.
UH, GILDA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, NOTHING!

UH, GILDA, WHAT'S GOING ON?
OH, NOTHING!
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.

OH, NOTHING!
NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
IT'S JUST TIME OF YEAR...

NO PROBLEM AT ALL.
IT'S JUST TIME OF YEAR...
YOU KNOW, IT'S ST. PATRICK'S

IT'S JUST TIME OF YEAR...
YOU KNOW, IT'S ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S ST. PATRICK'S
DAY.
MOST OF THE... MOST OF THE

DAY.
MOST OF THE... MOST OF THE
CREW'S IRISH, AND, UH...

MOST OF THE... MOST OF THE
CREW'S IRISH, AND, UH...
OH.

CREW'S IRISH, AND, UH...
OH.
LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING TO

OH.
LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.

LOOK, THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.
WE CAN... JUST FOLLOW ME, OKAY?

WORRY ABOUT.
WE CAN... JUST FOLLOW ME, OKAY?
WE'LL GO INTO THE CONTROL BOOTH

WE CAN... JUST FOLLOW ME, OKAY?
WE'LL GO INTO THE CONTROL BOOTH
AND SEE.

WE'LL GO INTO THE CONTROL BOOTH
AND SEE.
OKAY, OKAY.

AND SEE.
OKAY, OKAY.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT

OKAY, OKAY.
IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
AT ALL.

IT'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT
AT ALL.
TECHNICAL... IT'S LIVE TV.

AT ALL.
TECHNICAL... IT'S LIVE TV.
IT'S SPONTANEOUS.

TECHNICAL... IT'S LIVE TV.
IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.

IT'S SPONTANEOUS.
THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
IT ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY

THINGS HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
IT ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT.

IT ISN'T ANYTHING TO WORRY
ABOUT.
EXCUSE ME, MS. KIDDER?

ABOUT.
EXCUSE ME, MS. KIDDER?
WAIT, YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER

EXCUSE ME, MS. KIDDER?
WAIT, YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER
HER.

WAIT, YOU SHOULDN'T BOTHER
HER.
NO, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

HER.
NO, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
I SAW YOU IN "SUPERMAN," AND

NO, IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.
I SAW YOU IN "SUPERMAN," AND
I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GREAT.

I SAW YOU IN "SUPERMAN," AND
I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GREAT.
OH, THANK YOU.

I THOUGHT YOU WERE JUST GREAT.
OH, THANK YOU.
BUT I HAVE THIS BET WITH A

OH, THANK YOU.
BUT I HAVE THIS BET WITH A
FRIEND.

BUT I HAVE THIS BET WITH A
FRIEND.
IS IT TRUE YOU ONLY USE 10% OF

FRIEND.
IS IT TRUE YOU ONLY USE 10% OF
YOUR BRAIN?

IS IT TRUE YOU ONLY USE 10% OF
YOUR BRAIN?
UH, YEAH, I GUESS... I GUESS

YOUR BRAIN?
UH, YEAH, I GUESS... I GUESS
THAT'S TRUE.

UH, YEAH, I GUESS... I GUESS
THAT'S TRUE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?

THAT'S TRUE.
WOULD YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?
THE AUDIENCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO

WOULD YOU PLEASE SIT DOWN?
THE AUDIENCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO
ASK QUESTIONS OF THE HOST.

THE AUDIENCE IS NOT SUPPOSED TO
ASK QUESTIONS OF THE HOST.
JUST COME ON.

ASK QUESTIONS OF THE HOST.
JUST COME ON.
YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK, WE HAD A

JUST COME ON.
YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK, WE HAD A
HORSE, AND IT KEPT WALKING

YOU KNOW, LAST WEEK, WE HAD A
HORSE, AND IT KEPT WALKING
AROUND.

HORSE, AND IT KEPT WALKING
AROUND.
BUT WE HAVE THE BEST DIRECTOR...

AROUND.
BUT WE HAVE THE BEST DIRECTOR...
DAVE WILSON... AND HE CAN HANDLE

BUT WE HAVE THE BEST DIRECTOR...
DAVE WILSON... AND HE CAN HANDLE
ANYTHING.

DAVE WILSON... AND HE CAN HANDLE
ANYTHING.
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

ANYTHING.
THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
DO THESE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS

THERE'S NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.
DO THESE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS
HAPPEN ALL THE TIME?

DO THESE TECHNICAL PROBLEMS
HAPPEN ALL THE TIME?
OH, SURE, ALL THE TIME.

HAPPEN ALL THE TIME?
OH, SURE, ALL THE TIME.
DIDN'T YOU SEE "HELLO, LARRY" ON

OH, SURE, ALL THE TIME.
DIDN'T YOU SEE "HELLO, LARRY" ON
NBC?

DIDN'T YOU SEE "HELLO, LARRY" ON
NBC?
THEY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.

NBC?
THEY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
[ALL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

THEY HAPPEN ALL THE TIME.
[ALL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
OH, NO. OH, NO.

[ALL SINGING INDISTINCTLY]
OH, NO. OH, NO.
EXCUSE ME!

OH, NO. OH, NO.
EXCUSE ME!
OH, NO!

EXCUSE ME!
OH, NO!
HEY, GILDA...

OH, NO!
HEY, GILDA...
JUST WAIT.

HEY, GILDA...
JUST WAIT.
OH, NO!

JUST WAIT.
OH, NO!
PETE! PETE! PETE!

OH, NO!
PETE! PETE! PETE!
GILDA...

PETE! PETE! PETE!
GILDA...
WHEN DID... WHEN DID...

GILDA...
WHEN DID... WHEN DID...
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WHEN DID... WHEN DID...
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DID DAVE...

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
WHEN DID DAVE...
LAST WEEK, ABOUT HALFWAY

WHEN DID DAVE...
LAST WEEK, ABOUT HALFWAY
THROUGH THE GARY BUSEY SHOW!

LAST WEEK, ABOUT HALFWAY
THROUGH THE GARY BUSEY SHOW!
OH, NO.

THROUGH THE GARY BUSEY SHOW!
OH, NO.
DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY!

OH, NO.
DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY!
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY! DON'T WORRY!
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
MARGOT, THIS IS DAVE WILSON.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
MARGOT, THIS IS DAVE WILSON.
RIGHT HERE. HELLO.

MARGOT, THIS IS DAVE WILSON.
RIGHT HERE. HELLO.
WHERE'S LORNE?

RIGHT HERE. HELLO.
WHERE'S LORNE?
LORNE?

WHERE'S LORNE?
LORNE?
LORNE TOLD ME IF I HAD A

LORNE?
LORNE TOLD ME IF I HAD A
PROBLEM, I COULD GO RIGHT TO

LORNE TOLD ME IF I HAD A
PROBLEM, I COULD GO RIGHT TO
HIM.

PROBLEM, I COULD GO RIGHT TO
HIM.
WELL, HE'S DOING AN INTERVIEW

HIM.
WELL, HE'S DOING AN INTERVIEW
NOW.

WELL, HE'S DOING AN INTERVIEW
NOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF WE...

NOW.
I DON'T KNOW IF WE...
WAIT. BACK THERE.

I DON'T KNOW IF WE...
WAIT. BACK THERE.
HE WON'T CARE.

WAIT. BACK THERE.
HE WON'T CARE.
COME HERE, COME HERE.

HE WON'T CARE.
COME HERE, COME HERE.
COME ON.

COME HERE, COME HERE.
COME ON.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
POLITICS IS ALWAYS A

IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.
POLITICS IS ALWAYS A
POSSIBILITY.

POLITICS IS ALWAYS A
POSSIBILITY.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.

POSSIBILITY.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.
BEING A PRODUCER IS VERY MUCH

I MEAN, LET'S FACE IT.
BEING A PRODUCER IS VERY MUCH
LIKE BEING A SENATOR.

BEING A PRODUCER IS VERY MUCH
LIKE BEING A SENATOR.
HEY, LORNE? UM...

LIKE BEING A SENATOR.
HEY, LORNE? UM...
YEAH? UH, SORRY.

HEY, LORNE? UM...
YEAH? UH, SORRY.
UM, LORNE, DID YOU SEE DAVEY?

YEAH? UH, SORRY.
UM, LORNE, DID YOU SEE DAVEY?
YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

UM, LORNE, DID YOU SEE DAVEY?
YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE MEDICAL SQUAD IS ON ITS WAY

YEAH, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
THE MEDICAL SQUAD IS ON ITS WAY
DOWN.

THE MEDICAL SQUAD IS ON ITS WAY
DOWN.
OH, SEE, THERE'S NOTHING TO

DOWN.
OH, SEE, THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT!

OH, SEE, THERE'S NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT!
IT'S MY SHOW, LORNE.

WORRY ABOUT!
IT'S MY SHOW, LORNE.
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO

IT'S MY SHOW, LORNE.
THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.

THERE'S REALLY NOTHING TO
WORRY ABOUT.
THEY'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE OR

WORRY ABOUT.
THEY'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE OR
TWO.

THEY'LL BE HERE IN A MINUTE OR
TWO.
IT'S OKAY, MARGOT.

TWO.
IT'S OKAY, MARGOT.
COME ON, WE'LL GO BACK.

IT'S OKAY, MARGOT.
COME ON, WE'LL GO BACK.
OKAY.

COME ON, WE'LL GO BACK.
OKAY.
SEE, A PRODUCER...

OKAY.
SEE, A PRODUCER...
OH, LOOK.

SEE, A PRODUCER...
OH, LOOK.
IS HE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?

OH, LOOK.
IS HE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

IS HE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERY YEAR IT'S LIKE THIS.

HE'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
EVERY YEAR IT'S LIKE THIS.
OKAY. DAVEY.

EVERY YEAR IT'S LIKE THIS.
OKAY. DAVEY.
DAVID BRINKLEY PASSED OUT ON

OKAY. DAVEY.
DAVID BRINKLEY PASSED OUT ON
SEGMENT THREE.

DAVID BRINKLEY PASSED OUT ON
SEGMENT THREE.
YEAH, OKAY.

SEGMENT THREE.
YEAH, OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,

YEAH, OKAY.
EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,
MARGOT.

EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT,
MARGOT.
HE LOOKS REAL EFFICIENT.

MARGOT.
HE LOOKS REAL EFFICIENT.
OH, HE'S THE BEST DIRECTOR IN

HE LOOKS REAL EFFICIENT.
OH, HE'S THE BEST DIRECTOR IN
THE WORLD.

OH, HE'S THE BEST DIRECTOR IN
THE WORLD.
POUR SOME WATER ON HIM.

THE WORLD.
POUR SOME WATER ON HIM.
GOOD.

POUR SOME WATER ON HIM.
GOOD.
OH, RIGHT THERE.

GOOD.
OH, RIGHT THERE.
BRING THE WHOLE THING.

OH, RIGHT THERE.
BRING THE WHOLE THING.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

BRING THE WHOLE THING.
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
NO, DAVE!

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
NO, DAVE!
NO!

NO, DAVE!
NO!
DAVE!

NO!
DAVE!
DAVE, THIS IS...

DAVE!
DAVE, THIS IS...
SIT HIM UP! SIT HIM UP!

DAVE, THIS IS...
SIT HIM UP! SIT HIM UP!
COME ON! COME ON!

SIT HIM UP! SIT HIM UP!
COME ON! COME ON!
GET GARY BUSEY UP...

COME ON! COME ON!
GET GARY BUSEY UP...
NO, NO!

GET GARY BUSEY UP...
NO, NO!
DAVEY! DAVEY, LISTEN TO ME!

NO, NO!
DAVEY! DAVEY, LISTEN TO ME!
THIS IS MARGOT KIDDER.

DAVEY! DAVEY, LISTEN TO ME!
THIS IS MARGOT KIDDER.
SHE'S HOSTING THIS WEEK'S SHOW.

THIS IS MARGOT KIDDER.
SHE'S HOSTING THIS WEEK'S SHOW.
HELLO, DAVID.

SHE'S HOSTING THIS WEEK'S SHOW.
HELLO, DAVID.
IT'S DAVE WILSON, OUR

HELLO, DAVID.
IT'S DAVE WILSON, OUR
DIRECTOR.

IT'S DAVE WILSON, OUR
DIRECTOR.
JEAN, HOW ARE YOU?

DIRECTOR.
JEAN, HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO MEET YOU.

JEAN, HOW ARE YOU?
GOOD TO MEET YOU.
MARGOT. MARGOT.

GOOD TO MEET YOU.
MARGOT. MARGOT.
MARGOT.

MARGOT. MARGOT.
MARGOT.
YEAH, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.

MARGOT.
YEAH, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

YEAH, IT'LL BE ALL RIGHT.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
WHAT?

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
WHAT?
TAKE HER OUT THERE.

WHAT?
TAKE HER OUT THERE.
WE'LL START AGAIN FROM THE TOP.

TAKE HER OUT THERE.
WE'LL START AGAIN FROM THE TOP.
ALL RIGHT.

WE'LL START AGAIN FROM THE TOP.
ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, MARGOT. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, MARGOT. COME ON.
YEAH, WE'RE GOING.

COME ON, MARGOT. COME ON.
YEAH, WE'RE GOING.
STAND BY!

YEAH, WE'RE GOING.
STAND BY!
WE GOT TO GO.

STAND BY!
WE GOT TO GO.
SHOULD WE ROLL THE TAPE, DAVE?

WE GOT TO GO.
SHOULD WE ROLL THE TAPE, DAVE?
ROLL THE TAPE.

SHOULD WE ROLL THE TAPE, DAVE?
ROLL THE TAPE.
YEAH, ROLL THE TAPE!

ROLL THE TAPE.
YEAH, ROLL THE TAPE!
SIT DOWN!

YEAH, ROLL THE TAPE!
SIT DOWN!
THREE, TWO, ONE, AND...

Announcer: THE NAVY.
SEE YOUR LOCAL RECRUITER OR CALL
TOLL FREE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
I'M COMING. I'M COMING.

HELLO?
MRS. POTTER?
YES, THAT'S ME.

MRS. POTTER?
YES, THAT'S ME.
THE SAME MRS. POTTER WHO'S

YES, THAT'S ME.
THE SAME MRS. POTTER WHO'S
VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF

THE SAME MRS. POTTER WHO'S
VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF
LOANS FOR THE FRANKLIN NATIONAL

VICE PRESIDENT IN CHARGE OF
LOANS FOR THE FRANKLIN NATIONAL
BANK IN CHICAGO?

LOANS FOR THE FRANKLIN NATIONAL
BANK IN CHICAGO?
YEAH, THAT'S ME.

BANK IN CHICAGO?
YEAH, THAT'S ME.
HERE, THIS IS FOR YOU.

YEAH, THAT'S ME.
HERE, THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.

HERE, THIS IS FOR YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
UH, MAY I COME IN?

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
UH, MAY I COME IN?
WHAT FOR?

UH, MAY I COME IN?
WHAT FOR?
UH, WELL, YOU SEE, MA'AM,

WHAT FOR?
UH, WELL, YOU SEE, MA'AM,
WHEN A V.I.P. LIKE YOURSELF

UH, WELL, YOU SEE, MA'AM,
WHEN A V.I.P. LIKE YOURSELF
COMES TO MOLINE TO DO BUSINESS,

WHEN A V.I.P. LIKE YOURSELF
COMES TO MOLINE TO DO BUSINESS,
IT'S CUSTOMARY FOR THE COMPANY

COMES TO MOLINE TO DO BUSINESS,
IT'S CUSTOMARY FOR THE COMPANY
TO SEND A GAL UP TO THE ROOM,

IT'S CUSTOMARY FOR THE COMPANY
TO SEND A GAL UP TO THE ROOM,
COMPLIMENTS OF GREAT LAKES

TO SEND A GAL UP TO THE ROOM,
COMPLIMENTS OF GREAT LAKES
FEED AND GRAIN.

COMPLIMENTS OF GREAT LAKES
FEED AND GRAIN.
AND, WELL, SINCE YOU'RE A GAL,

FEED AND GRAIN.
AND, WELL, SINCE YOU'RE A GAL,
THE COMPANY SENT ME...

AND, WELL, SINCE YOU'RE A GAL,
THE COMPANY SENT ME...
FRED GARVIN: MALE PROSTITUTE.

UH, I DON'T... I DON'T THINK
YOU UNDERSTAND, FRED.
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.

YOU UNDERSTAND, FRED.
I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.
OH, LET ME REASSURE YOU,

I'M NOT THAT KIND OF GIRL.
OH, LET ME REASSURE YOU,
MA'AM.

OH, LET ME REASSURE YOU,
MA'AM.
I CAN ASSURE YOU PROFESSIONAL

MA'AM.
I CAN ASSURE YOU PROFESSIONAL
HYGIENE, DISCRETION, AND ANIMAL

I CAN ASSURE YOU PROFESSIONAL
HYGIENE, DISCRETION, AND ANIMAL
GRATIFICATION.

HYGIENE, DISCRETION, AND ANIMAL
GRATIFICATION.
I HAVE NEVER HAD TO PAY FOR

GRATIFICATION.
I HAVE NEVER HAD TO PAY FOR
THAT IN MY WHOLE LIFE.

I HAVE NEVER HAD TO PAY FOR
THAT IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

THAT IN MY WHOLE LIFE.
WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
GREAT LAKES FEED AND GRAIN IS

WELL, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.
GREAT LAKES FEED AND GRAIN IS
PICKING UP THE TAB.

GREAT LAKES FEED AND GRAIN IS
PICKING UP THE TAB.
YOU'VE GOT ME FOR THE WHOLE

PICKING UP THE TAB.
YOU'VE GOT ME FOR THE WHOLE
NIGHT!

YOU'VE GOT ME FOR THE WHOLE
NIGHT!
HEY, UH...

NIGHT!
HEY, UH...
"HAY" IS FOR HORSES, YOUNG

HEY, UH...
"HAY" IS FOR HORSES, YOUNG
LADY.

"HAY" IS FOR HORSES, YOUNG
LADY.
NO IFs, ANDs, AND BUTs ABOUT IT.

LADY.
NO IFs, ANDs, AND BUTs ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH

NO IFs, ANDs, AND BUTs ABOUT IT.
YOU'RE SPENDING THE NIGHT WITH
FRED GARVIN: MALE PROSTITUTE.

WELL, NOW, I HAVE A WORK ORDER
HERE WHICH SPECIFIES THAT I AM
TO "ROGER YOU ROUNDLY" TILL 6:15

HERE WHICH SPECIFIES THAT I AM
TO "ROGER YOU ROUNDLY" TILL 6:15
TOMORROW MORNING.

TO "ROGER YOU ROUNDLY" TILL 6:15
TOMORROW MORNING.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

TOMORROW MORNING.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, DON'T I GET A SAY IN THIS?

WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW, DON'T I GET A SAY IN THIS?
I MEAN, MAYBE I WANT SOME SLEEP.

NOW, DON'T I GET A SAY IN THIS?
I MEAN, MAYBE I WANT SOME SLEEP.
MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE

I MEAN, MAYBE I WANT SOME SLEEP.
MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE
"ROGERED ROUNDLY."

MAYBE I DON'T WANT TO BE
"ROGERED ROUNDLY."
[Laughing] MA'AM, YOU'RE

"ROGERED ROUNDLY."
[Laughing] MA'AM, YOU'RE
DEALING HERE WITH A FULLY

[Laughing] MA'AM, YOU'RE
DEALING HERE WITH A FULLY
QUALIFIED MALE STRUMPET.

DEALING HERE WITH A FULLY
QUALIFIED MALE STRUMPET.
I SERVICE THE ENTIRE QUAD CITIES

QUALIFIED MALE STRUMPET.
I SERVICE THE ENTIRE QUAD CITIES
AREA... MOLINE, ROCK ISLAND,

I SERVICE THE ENTIRE QUAD CITIES
AREA... MOLINE, ROCK ISLAND,
DAVENPORT, AND BETTENDORF.

AREA... MOLINE, ROCK ISLAND,
DAVENPORT, AND BETTENDORF.
WHY NOT GIVE ME A WHIRL?

DAVENPORT, AND BETTENDORF.
WHY NOT GIVE ME A WHIRL?
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

[Thinking] WHAT DO I HAVE
TO LOSE?
NO ONE'S EVER GONNA KNOW, AND

TO LOSE?
NO ONE'S EVER GONNA KNOW, AND
I'M NOT GONNA SEE PAUL FOR

NO ONE'S EVER GONNA KNOW, AND
I'M NOT GONNA SEE PAUL FOR
ANOTHER COUPLE OF WEEKS.

I'M NOT GONNA SEE PAUL FOR
ANOTHER COUPLE OF WEEKS.
SURE, HE'S NOT THE MOST

ANOTHER COUPLE OF WEEKS.
SURE, HE'S NOT THE MOST
ATTRACTIVE GUY IN THE WORLD, BUT

SURE, HE'S NOT THE MOST
ATTRACTIVE GUY IN THE WORLD, BUT
IF CAN HE MAKE A LIVING AT THIS,

ATTRACTIVE GUY IN THE WORLD, BUT
IF CAN HE MAKE A LIVING AT THIS,
HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING

IF CAN HE MAKE A LIVING AT THIS,
HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING
RIGHT.

HE MUST BE DOING SOMETHING
RIGHT.
OKAY, MR. GARVIN.

RIGHT.
OKAY, MR. GARVIN.
I'LL TRY IT.

OKAY, MR. GARVIN.
I'LL TRY IT.
CONGRATULATIONS, MRS. POTTER.

I'LL TRY IT.
CONGRATULATIONS, MRS. POTTER.
I KNEW YOU'D COME TO YOUR

CONGRATULATIONS, MRS. POTTER.
I KNEW YOU'D COME TO YOUR
SENSES.

I KNEW YOU'D COME TO YOUR
SENSES.
NOW, MA'AM, IF YOU'RE AMENABLE,

SENSES.
NOW, MA'AM, IF YOU'RE AMENABLE,
I'D LIKE TO BEGIN THE SESSION BY

NOW, MA'AM, IF YOU'RE AMENABLE,
I'D LIKE TO BEGIN THE SESSION BY
STRIKING A FEW SEDUCTIVE POSES.

THAT'S NICE.

I CALL THIS ONE "THE SNAKE."
UH...
FINE, THEN.

UH...
FINE, THEN.
IF EVERYTHING'S GOING OKAY, YOU

FINE, THEN.
IF EVERYTHING'S GOING OKAY, YOU
SHOULD BE HOTTER THAN

IF EVERYTHING'S GOING OKAY, YOU
SHOULD BE HOTTER THAN
BILLY-BY-DEE-BY-DAMN BY NOW.

SHOULD BE HOTTER THAN
BILLY-BY-DEE-BY-DAMN BY NOW.
WELL, I'M, UH...

BILLY-BY-DEE-BY-DAMN BY NOW.
WELL, I'M, UH...
MRS. POTTER, PLEASE

WELL, I'M, UH...
MRS. POTTER, PLEASE
COOPERATE.

MRS. POTTER, PLEASE
COOPERATE.
COME ON, NOW, COME ON.

COOPERATE.
COME ON, NOW, COME ON.
YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF LATER.

COME ON, NOW, COME ON.
YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF LATER.
NOW COME ON.

YOU'LL THANK YOURSELF LATER.
NOW COME ON.
SKEDADDLE INTO THIS BED HERE,

NOW COME ON.
SKEDADDLE INTO THIS BED HERE,
YOUNG LADY.

SKEDADDLE INTO THIS BED HERE,
YOUNG LADY.
COME ON, COME ON.

YOUNG LADY.
COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, JUST JUMP RIGHT IN THERE.

COME ON, COME ON.
HEY, JUST JUMP RIGHT IN THERE.
OKAY.

HEY, JUST JUMP RIGHT IN THERE.
OKAY.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I DO

OKAY.
NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I DO
WORK WITH THE GLASSES AND

NOW, IF YOU DON'T MIND, I DO
WORK WITH THE GLASSES AND
JACKET.

WORK WITH THE GLASSES AND
JACKET.
[CHUCKLES]

JACKET.
[CHUCKLES]
FEELING ANYTHING YET?

[CHUCKLES]
FEELING ANYTHING YET?
ANY SYMPTOMS OF AROUSAL?

FEELING ANYTHING YET?
ANY SYMPTOMS OF AROUSAL?
I DON'T THINK SO.

ANY SYMPTOMS OF AROUSAL?
I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, THESE THINGS TAKE TIME.

I DON'T THINK SO.
WELL, THESE THINGS TAKE TIME.
PERHAPS A BIT OF HUMOR WILL

WELL, THESE THINGS TAKE TIME.
PERHAPS A BIT OF HUMOR WILL
BREAK THE ICE.

PERHAPS A BIT OF HUMOR WILL
BREAK THE ICE.
WHAT'S RED AND GREEN AND GOES

BREAK THE ICE.
WHAT'S RED AND GREEN AND GOES
LIKE THIS?

WHAT'S RED AND GREEN AND GOES
LIKE THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.

LIKE THIS?
I DON'T KNOW.
A FROG IN A BLENDER.

I DON'T KNOW.
A FROG IN A BLENDER.
[BOTH LAUGH]

A FROG IN A BLENDER.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THERE YOU GO.

[BOTH LAUGH]
THERE YOU GO.
AND, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.

THERE YOU GO.
AND, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT'S THAT?

AND, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.
WHAT'S THAT?
MY BACKSEAT DRIVER'S LICENSE.

WHAT'S THAT?
MY BACKSEAT DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[LAUGHS]

MY BACKSEAT DRIVER'S LICENSE.
[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH FOREPLAY.

[LAUGHS]
ENOUGH FOREPLAY.
LET'S GET CRACKING.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT?
WHAT IS ALL THAT STUFF YOU

WHAT?
WHAT IS ALL THAT STUFF YOU
GOT DOWN THERE?

WHAT IS ALL THAT STUFF YOU
GOT DOWN THERE?
OH, UH, THAT'S... THAT'S MY

GOT DOWN THERE?
OH, UH, THAT'S... THAT'S MY
RATHER ELABORATE NETWORK OF

OH, UH, THAT'S... THAT'S MY
RATHER ELABORATE NETWORK OF
TRUSSES.

RATHER ELABORATE NETWORK OF
TRUSSES.
I WILL NEED YOUR HELP WITH A

TRUSSES.
I WILL NEED YOUR HELP WITH A
COUPLE OF THESE.

I WILL NEED YOUR HELP WITH A
COUPLE OF THESE.
I GOT THE OLD HERNIA TRUSS HERE.

COUPLE OF THESE.
I GOT THE OLD HERNIA TRUSS HERE.
I GOT A SPLEEN TRUSS.

I GOT THE OLD HERNIA TRUSS HERE.
I GOT A SPLEEN TRUSS.
IT UNDOES WITH A COUPLE OF SNAPS

I GOT A SPLEEN TRUSS.
IT UNDOES WITH A COUPLE OF SNAPS
AT THE BACK HERE.

IT UNDOES WITH A COUPLE OF SNAPS
AT THE BACK HERE.
GO AHEAD.

AT THE BACK HERE.
GO AHEAD.
NO, I DON'T THINK I... YOU

GO AHEAD.
NO, I DON'T THINK I... YOU
KNOW, I THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH

NO, I DON'T THINK I... YOU
KNOW, I THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH
FOR ME.

KNOW, I THINK THIS IS TOO MUCH
FOR ME.
OH, NO, IT'S JUST A COUPLE

FOR ME.
OH, NO, IT'S JUST A COUPLE
OF SNAPS AT THE BACK.

OH, NO, IT'S JUST A COUPLE
OF SNAPS AT THE BACK.
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST GOT TO MAKE

OF SNAPS AT THE BACK.
YOU KNOW, YOU JUST GOT TO MAKE
SURE YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T

YOU KNOW, YOU JUST GOT TO MAKE
SURE YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T
TOUCH THE RUPTURE, THAT'S ALL.

SURE YOU DON'T... YOU DON'T
TOUCH THE RUPTURE, THAT'S ALL.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

TOUCH THE RUPTURE, THAT'S ALL.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YEAH, AT THE BACK.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
YEAH, AT THE BACK.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEAH, AT THE BACK.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO'S THAT? WHO'S THAT?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO'S THAT? WHO'S THAT?
IT'S SLICK!

WHO'S THAT? WHO'S THAT?
IT'S SLICK!
WHO'S SLICK?

IT'S SLICK!
WHO'S SLICK?
UH, SLICK.

WHO'S SLICK?
UH, SLICK.
YOUR FRIEND?

UH, SLICK.
YOUR FRIEND?
UH, THIS TAKES A LITTLE

YOUR FRIEND?
UH, THIS TAKES A LITTLE
EXPLANATION.

UH, THIS TAKES A LITTLE
EXPLANATION.
YOU SEE, SLICK IS A GENTLEMAN OF

EXPLANATION.
YOU SEE, SLICK IS A GENTLEMAN OF
LEISURE.

YOU SEE, SLICK IS A GENTLEMAN OF
LEISURE.
HE LOOKS OUT FOR ME AND THE

LEISURE.
HE LOOKS OUT FOR ME AND THE
GIRLS.

HE LOOKS OUT FOR ME AND THE
GIRLS.
UH, BE THERE IN A JIFFY, SLICK!

GIRLS.
UH, BE THERE IN A JIFFY, SLICK!
BY THE WAY, ONE GOOD WORD FROM

UH, BE THERE IN A JIFFY, SLICK!
BY THE WAY, ONE GOOD WORD FROM
YOU WOULD REALLY PUT ME IN GOOD

BY THE WAY, ONE GOOD WORD FROM
YOU WOULD REALLY PUT ME IN GOOD
WITH THE BOSS.

YOU WOULD REALLY PUT ME IN GOOD
WITH THE BOSS.
OKAY, FRED. OKAY.

WITH THE BOSS.
OKAY, FRED. OKAY.
HEY, SLICK.

THERE'S MY MAIN MAN.
I WAS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOME

I WAS DOWN THE HALLWAY.
I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOME
HELP WITH YOUR TRUSSES, BABY.

I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT NEED SOME
HELP WITH YOUR TRUSSES, BABY.
OH, NO, WE DON'T NEED ANY

HELP WITH YOUR TRUSSES, BABY.
OH, NO, WE DON'T NEED ANY
HELP WITH HIS TRUSSES.

OH, NO, WE DON'T NEED ANY
HELP WITH HIS TRUSSES.
IN FACT, I THINK MAYBE YOU'D

HELP WITH HIS TRUSSES.
IN FACT, I THINK MAYBE YOU'D
BOTH BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

IN FACT, I THINK MAYBE YOU'D
BOTH BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, LADY?

BOTH BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER, LADY?
HASN'T FRED ATTENDED TO YOUR

WHAT'S THE MATTER, LADY?
HASN'T FRED ATTENDED TO YOUR
NEEDS?

HASN'T FRED ATTENDED TO YOUR
NEEDS?
OH, NO, HE'S REALLY ATTENDED

NEEDS?
OH, NO, HE'S REALLY ATTENDED
TO MY NEEDS.

OH, NO, HE'S REALLY ATTENDED
TO MY NEEDS.
HE... HE WAS WONDERFUL!

TO MY NEEDS.
HE... HE WAS WONDERFUL!
THE EARTH MOVED!

HE... HE WAS WONDERFUL!
THE EARTH MOVED!
[LAUGHS]

THE EARTH MOVED!
[LAUGHS]
IN FACT, IT MOVED SO MUCH, I

[LAUGHS]
IN FACT, IT MOVED SO MUCH, I
DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ANY

IN FACT, IT MOVED SO MUCH, I
DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ANY
MORE.

DON'T THINK I COULD TAKE ANY
MORE.
[LAUGHS]

MORE.
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S MY FRED!

[LAUGHS]
THAT'S MY FRED!
YEAH.

THAT'S MY FRED!
YEAH.
HE'S MY BREAD-AND-BUTTER MAN.

YEAH.
HE'S MY BREAD-AND-BUTTER MAN.
YOU SEE, IN MY STABLE, I GOT

HE'S MY BREAD-AND-BUTTER MAN.
YOU SEE, IN MY STABLE, I GOT
EIGHT GIRLS AND FRED.

YOU SEE, IN MY STABLE, I GOT
EIGHT GIRLS AND FRED.
COME ON, FRED. LET'S GO, MAN.

EIGHT GIRLS AND FRED.
COME ON, FRED. LET'S GO, MAN.
THEY GOT SOME HUNGRY WOMEN DOWN

COME ON, FRED. LET'S GO, MAN.
THEY GOT SOME HUNGRY WOMEN DOWN
IN BETTENDORF WAITING FOR THE

THEY GOT SOME HUNGRY WOMEN DOWN
IN BETTENDORF WAITING FOR THE
GARVIN LIZARD.

IN BETTENDORF WAITING FOR THE
GARVIN LIZARD.
FRED. FRED.

GARVIN LIZARD.
FRED. FRED.
FRED, I-I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU

FRED. FRED.
FRED, I-I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR TONIGHT.

FRED, I-I JUST WANT TO THANK YOU
FOR TONIGHT.
I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET IT.

FOR TONIGHT.
I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET IT.
WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.

I'M NEVER GONNA FORGET IT.
WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
I DO WHAT I CAN...

WELL, THANK YOU, MA'AM.
I DO WHAT I CAN...
BECAUSE I'M FRED GARVIN:

I DO WHAT I CAN...
BECAUSE I'M FRED GARVIN:
MALE PROSTITUTE.

AND NOW, FROM IRELAND, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU PLEASE
WELCOME THE CHIEFTAINS?

AND GENTLEMEN, WOULD YOU PLEASE
WELCOME THE CHIEFTAINS?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WELCOME THE CHIEFTAINS?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BODHRáN AND BONES PLAY]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BODHRáN AND BONES PLAY]
WHOO!

[BODHRáN AND BONES PLAY]
WHOO!
[FIDDLE PLAYS]

[FLUTE AND TIN WHISTLE PLAY]

[UILLEANN PIPES PLAY]
YAHOO!

YAHOO!
[HAMMER DULCIMER PLAYS]

♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE
WOOD, I'D DO HER ALL THE GOOD I
COULD ♪

WOOD, I'D DO HER ALL THE GOOD I
COULD ♪
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,

COULD ♪
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,
I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL

♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,
I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL
MORNING ♪

I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL
MORNING ♪
HEY!

MORNING ♪
HEY!
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE

HEY!
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE
WOOD, I'D DO HER ALL THE GOOD I

♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE
WOOD, I'D DO HER ALL THE GOOD I
COULD ♪

WOOD, I'D DO HER ALL THE GOOD I
COULD ♪
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,

COULD ♪
♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,
I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL

♪ IF I HAD MAGGIE IN THE WOOD,
I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL
MORNING ♪

I'D KEEP HER THERE TILL
MORNING ♪
WHOO!

YEAH!

[SINGING INDISTINCTLY]

WHOO!
WHOO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WHOO!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN I
GET YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, CAN I
GET YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
GO AHEAD AND FINISH YOUR COFFEE.

GET YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE?
GO AHEAD AND FINISH YOUR COFFEE.
THERE'S ALL THE GREEN BEER YOU

GO AHEAD AND FINISH YOUR COFFEE.
THERE'S ALL THE GREEN BEER YOU
WANT LATER ON.

THERE'S ALL THE GREEN BEER YOU
WANT LATER ON.
ALL RIGHT.

WANT LATER ON.
ALL RIGHT.
I WANT TO... THIS TIME, I'D LIKE

ALL RIGHT.
I WANT TO... THIS TIME, I'D LIKE
TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE

I WANT TO... THIS TIME, I'D LIKE
TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS

TO CALL THIS MEETING OF THE
ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
AND COUNCIL AND ST. PATRICK'S

ST. MICKEY'S KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS
AND COUNCIL AND ST. PATRICK'S
DAY SPORTS BANQUET AND DINNER

AND COUNCIL AND ST. PATRICK'S
DAY SPORTS BANQUET AND DINNER
DANCE TO ORDER!

DAY SPORTS BANQUET AND DINNER
DANCE TO ORDER!
AND I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR

DANCE TO ORDER!
AND I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR
BOXING COACH, SISTER SERENA, TO

AND I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR
BOXING COACH, SISTER SERENA, TO
GIVE THE INVOCATION.

BOXING COACH, SISTER SERENA, TO
GIVE THE INVOCATION.
SISTER.

GIVE THE INVOCATION.
SISTER.
EVERYBODY CAN STAY SEATED.

SISTER.
EVERYBODY CAN STAY SEATED.
UM, DEAR GOD, PLEASE BLESS THIS

EVERYBODY CAN STAY SEATED.
UM, DEAR GOD, PLEASE BLESS THIS
MEETING OF THE ST. MICKEY'S

UM, DEAR GOD, PLEASE BLESS THIS
MEETING OF THE ST. MICKEY'S
KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS COUNCIL AND

MEETING OF THE ST. MICKEY'S
KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS COUNCIL AND
ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPORTS BANQUET

KNIGHTS OF COLUMBUS COUNCIL AND
ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPORTS BANQUET
AND DINNER DANCE.

ST. PATRICK'S DAY SPORTS BANQUET
AND DINNER DANCE.
AMEN.

AND DINNER DANCE.
AMEN.
AMEN TO THAT. AMEN TO THAT.

AMEN.
AMEN TO THAT. AMEN TO THAT.
AMEN. ALL RIGHT.

AMEN TO THAT. AMEN TO THAT.
AMEN. ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, SISTER.

AMEN. ALL RIGHT.
THANKS, SISTER.
FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO

THANKS, SISTER.
FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO
WELCOME ALL THE LOVELY LADIES,

FIRST OF ALL, I'D LIKE TO
WELCOME ALL THE LOVELY LADIES,
AND, ALSO, I'D LIKE TO COMMEND

WELCOME ALL THE LOVELY LADIES,
AND, ALSO, I'D LIKE TO COMMEND
EVERYONE FOR THE, UH, FINE

AND, ALSO, I'D LIKE TO COMMEND
EVERYONE FOR THE, UH, FINE
TURNOUT AND PERFORMANCE IN THE

EVERYONE FOR THE, UH, FINE
TURNOUT AND PERFORMANCE IN THE
PARADE TODAY, IN SPITE OF THE

TURNOUT AND PERFORMANCE IN THE
PARADE TODAY, IN SPITE OF THE
TERRIBLE RAIN WE HAD, ESPECIALLY

PARADE TODAY, IN SPITE OF THE
TERRIBLE RAIN WE HAD, ESPECIALLY
WHEN IT TURNED INTO SLEET.

TERRIBLE RAIN WE HAD, ESPECIALLY
WHEN IT TURNED INTO SLEET.
NOW, I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR

WHEN IT TURNED INTO SLEET.
NOW, I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT AND SCRIBE,

NOW, I'D LIKE TO CALL ON OUR
DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT AND SCRIBE,
JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A REPORT.

DEPUTY GRAND KNIGHT AND SCRIBE,
JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A REPORT.
JACK.

JACK NEEHAUSER, FOR A REPORT.
JACK.
OH, EXCUSE ME.

JACK.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
THAT'S JACK "O'NEEHAUSER."

OH, EXCUSE ME.
THAT'S JACK "O'NEEHAUSER."
[LAUGHS]

THAT'S JACK "O'NEEHAUSER."
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU, FRANK.

[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU, FRANK.
YOU KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY AM THE

THANK YOU, FRANK.
YOU KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY AM THE
1/4 IRISH.

YOU KNOW THAT I ACTUALLY AM THE
1/4 IRISH.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT

1/4 IRISH.
YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
GRAND KNIGHT FRANK LEARY LIKES

YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T SAY THAT
GRAND KNIGHT FRANK LEARY LIKES
TO WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHING ON

GRAND KNIGHT FRANK LEARY LIKES
TO WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHING ON
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, BUT HIS

TO WEAR WOMEN'S CLOTHING ON
ST. PATRICK'S DAY, BUT HIS
LOVELY WIFE, IRENE, TOLD ME THAT

ST. PATRICK'S DAY, BUT HIS
LOVELY WIFE, IRENE, TOLD ME THAT
FRANK SAID HE DREAMED HE DANCED

LOVELY WIFE, IRENE, TOLD ME THAT
FRANK SAID HE DREAMED HE DANCED
ALL NIGHT IN HER ERIN GO "BRA."

FRANK SAID HE DREAMED HE DANCED
ALL NIGHT IN HER ERIN GO "BRA."
[LAUGHTER]

ALL NIGHT IN HER ERIN GO "BRA."
[LAUGHTER]
JUST... JUST KIDDING, FRANK.

[LAUGHTER]
JUST... JUST KIDDING, FRANK.
UH, I MOVE WE DISPENSE WITH THE

JUST... JUST KIDDING, FRANK.
UH, I MOVE WE DISPENSE WITH THE
READING OF THE MINUTES OF THE

UH, I MOVE WE DISPENSE WITH THE
READING OF THE MINUTES OF THE
LAST MEETING AND GET ON TO THE

READING OF THE MINUTES OF THE
LAST MEETING AND GET ON TO THE
BUSINESS OF THE RAFFLE DRAWING

LAST MEETING AND GET ON TO THE
BUSINESS OF THE RAFFLE DRAWING
FOR THE BUICK REGAL.

BUSINESS OF THE RAFFLE DRAWING
FOR THE BUICK REGAL.
I SECOND. MOTION PASSED.

FOR THE BUICK REGAL.
I SECOND. MOTION PASSED.
AS YOU KNOW, WE HADN'T SOLD

I SECOND. MOTION PASSED.
AS YOU KNOW, WE HADN'T SOLD
ENOUGH... WE HADN'T SOLD ENOUGH

AS YOU KNOW, WE HADN'T SOLD
ENOUGH... WE HADN'T SOLD ENOUGH
TICKETS TO HOLD A RAFFLE AT OUR

ENOUGH... WE HADN'T SOLD ENOUGH
TICKETS TO HOLD A RAFFLE AT OUR
NEW YEAR'S PARTY, SO WE

TICKETS TO HOLD A RAFFLE AT OUR
NEW YEAR'S PARTY, SO WE
POSTPONED IT UNTIL TONIGHT.

NEW YEAR'S PARTY, SO WE
POSTPONED IT UNTIL TONIGHT.
THE CAR WAS DONATED BY

POSTPONED IT UNTIL TONIGHT.
THE CAR WAS DONATED BY
TOMMY O'BOYLE OVER AT

THE CAR WAS DONATED BY
TOMMY O'BOYLE OVER AT
TOMMY O'BOYLE BUICK.

TOMMY O'BOYLE OVER AT
TOMMY O'BOYLE BUICK.
STAND UP THERE, TOMMY.

TOMMY O'BOYLE BUICK.
STAND UP THERE, TOMMY.
[CHEERS]

STAND UP THERE, TOMMY.
[CHEERS]
TOMMY! TOMMY!

[CHEERS]
TOMMY! TOMMY!
AND, UH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL

TOMMY! TOMMY!
AND, UH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
CAR.

AND, UH, IT'S A BEAUTIFUL
CAR.
AND WE DID PRETTY WELL ON THE

CAR.
AND WE DID PRETTY WELL ON THE
RAFFLE SALES.

AND WE DID PRETTY WELL ON THE
RAFFLE SALES.
AND THE MONEY WE MADE WILL GO TO

RAFFLE SALES.
AND THE MONEY WE MADE WILL GO TO
THE PURCHASE OF A NEW

AND THE MONEY WE MADE WILL GO TO
THE PURCHASE OF A NEW
FOUR-WHEEL-DRIVE JEEP WITH A

THE PURCHASE OF A NEW
FOUR-WHEEL-DRIVE JEEP WITH A
SNOWPLOW FOR THE NUNS SO THAT

FOUR-WHEEL-DRIVE JEEP WITH A
SNOWPLOW FOR THE NUNS SO THAT
THEY CAN KEEP THE PLAYGROUND

SNOWPLOW FOR THE NUNS SO THAT
THEY CAN KEEP THE PLAYGROUND
CLEAR.

THEY CAN KEEP THE PLAYGROUND
CLEAR.
AND, UH, NOW, SISTER SERENA, I'D

CLEAR.
AND, UH, NOW, SISTER SERENA, I'D
LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE

AND, UH, NOW, SISTER SERENA, I'D
LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE
KEYS TO YOUR NEW JEEP.

LIKE TO PRESENT YOU WITH THE
KEYS TO YOUR NEW JEEP.
[APPLAUSE]

KEYS TO YOUR NEW JEEP.
[APPLAUSE]
AND, OF COURSE, THE REMAINDER OF

[APPLAUSE]
AND, OF COURSE, THE REMAINDER OF
THE PROCEEDS WILL GO TO OUR

AND, OF COURSE, THE REMAINDER OF
THE PROCEEDS WILL GO TO OUR
ANNUAL CONTRIBUTION TO THE

THE PROCEEDS WILL GO TO OUR
ANNUAL CONTRIBUTION TO THE
I.R.A. TO SEE... WELL, TO DO

ANNUAL CONTRIBUTION TO THE
I.R.A. TO SEE... WELL, TO DO
WITH WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.

I.R.A. TO SEE... WELL, TO DO
WITH WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.
KICK THE DAMNED ENGLISH OUT OF

WITH WHATEVER THEY WANT WITH IT.
KICK THE DAMNED ENGLISH OUT OF
IRELAND.

KICK THE DAMNED ENGLISH OUT OF
IRELAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IRELAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, THANKS, JACK.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT, THANKS, JACK.
SISTER SERENA, I'D LIKE TO...

ALL RIGHT, THANKS, JACK.
SISTER SERENA, I'D LIKE TO...
WOULD YOU STEP DOWN HERE?

SISTER SERENA, I'D LIKE TO...
WOULD YOU STEP DOWN HERE?
JACK, COME ON OVER HERE.

WOULD YOU STEP DOWN HERE?
JACK, COME ON OVER HERE.
IT'S THE BIG MOMENT WE'VE BEEN

JACK, COME ON OVER HERE.
IT'S THE BIG MOMENT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR... FOR THAT BUICK.

IT'S THE BIG MOMENT WE'VE BEEN
WAITING FOR... FOR THAT BUICK.
ALL RIGHT.

WAITING FOR... FOR THAT BUICK.
ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE BIG DRUM HERE NOW.

ALL RIGHT.
IT'S THE BIG DRUM HERE NOW.
SOMEBODY WILL BE DRIVING HOME IN

IT'S THE BIG DRUM HERE NOW.
SOMEBODY WILL BE DRIVING HOME IN
A BRAND-NEW BUICK.

SOMEBODY WILL BE DRIVING HOME IN
A BRAND-NEW BUICK.
HOW ABOUT A DRUMROLL, JACK?

A BRAND-NEW BUICK.
HOW ABOUT A DRUMROLL, JACK?
OOH, ALL RIGHT.

HOW ABOUT A DRUMROLL, JACK?
OOH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T LOOK, NOW,

OOH, ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, DON'T LOOK, NOW,
SISTER, DON'T LOOK!

ALL RIGHT, DON'T LOOK, NOW,
SISTER, DON'T LOOK!
[LAUGHS]

SISTER, DON'T LOOK!
[LAUGHS]
THE WINNER IS...

[LAUGHS]
THE WINNER IS...
JOHN C. TATE OF CASPER, WYOMING.

THE WINNER IS...
JOHN C. TATE OF CASPER, WYOMING.
UH, DOES ANYBODY KNOW MR. TATE?

JOHN C. TATE OF CASPER, WYOMING.
UH, DOES ANYBODY KNOW MR. TATE?
WELL, THE WINNER DOESN'T NEED TO

UH, DOES ANYBODY KNOW MR. TATE?
WELL, THE WINNER DOESN'T NEED TO
BE PRESENT.

WELL, THE WINNER DOESN'T NEED TO
BE PRESENT.
I GUESS HE BOUGHT A TICKET FROM

BE PRESENT.
I GUESS HE BOUGHT A TICKET FROM
SOMEONE ELSE.

I GUESS HE BOUGHT A TICKET FROM
SOMEONE ELSE.
SO, I GUESS HE'S OUR WINNER.

SOMEONE ELSE.
SO, I GUESS HE'S OUR WINNER.
HE WILL BE NOTIFIED.

SO, I GUESS HE'S OUR WINNER.
HE WILL BE NOTIFIED.
THERE'S NO PHONE NUMBER.

HE WILL BE NOTIFIED.
THERE'S NO PHONE NUMBER.
SO, UH, JACK, COULD YOU GET A

THERE'S NO PHONE NUMBER.
SO, UH, JACK, COULD YOU GET A
LETTER OFF TO HIM?

SO, UH, JACK, COULD YOU GET A
LETTER OFF TO HIM?
YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.

LETTER OFF TO HIM?
YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.
OKAY.

YEAH, I'LL GET RIGHT ON IT.
OKAY.
WELL, THAT'S THE RAFFLE.

OKAY.
WELL, THAT'S THE RAFFLE.
THANK YOU.

WELL, THAT'S THE RAFFLE.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LET'S MOVE ON AHEAD TO

ALL RIGHT.
NOW, LET'S MOVE ON AHEAD TO
AWARDING THE TROPHIES FOR THE

NOW, LET'S MOVE ON AHEAD TO
AWARDING THE TROPHIES FOR THE
ST. MICKEY'S MARDI GRAS BOXING

AWARDING THE TROPHIES FOR THE
ST. MICKEY'S MARDI GRAS BOXING
NIGHT.

ST. MICKEY'S MARDI GRAS BOXING
NIGHT.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE IRISH ARE

NIGHT.
AND, YOU KNOW, THE IRISH ARE
KNOWN TO BE GREAT FIGHTERS, SO

AND, YOU KNOW, THE IRISH ARE
KNOWN TO BE GREAT FIGHTERS, SO
IT STANDS TO REASON THAT

KNOWN TO BE GREAT FIGHTERS, SO
IT STANDS TO REASON THAT
ST. MICKEY'S SHOULD HAVE A FINE

IT STANDS TO REASON THAT
ST. MICKEY'S SHOULD HAVE A FINE
BOXING TEAM.

ST. MICKEY'S SHOULD HAVE A FINE
BOXING TEAM.
MAYBE OUR BOXING COACH,

BOXING TEAM.
MAYBE OUR BOXING COACH,
SISTER SERENA, CAN TELL US WHY

MAYBE OUR BOXING COACH,
SISTER SERENA, CAN TELL US WHY
THIS ISN'T SO.

SISTER SERENA, CAN TELL US WHY
THIS ISN'T SO.
SISTER.

THIS ISN'T SO.
SISTER.
UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT

SISTER.
UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.

UH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE STRESSED

HAPPENED.
MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE STRESSED
FUNDAMENTALS MORE.

MAYBE I SHOULD HAVE STRESSED
FUNDAMENTALS MORE.
BUT WE HAVE SOME BIG BOYS COMING

FUNDAMENTALS MORE.
BUT WE HAVE SOME BIG BOYS COMING
UP, AND WE HOPE TO DO BETTER

BUT WE HAVE SOME BIG BOYS COMING
UP, AND WE HOPE TO DO BETTER
NEXT YEAR.

UP, AND WE HOPE TO DO BETTER
NEXT YEAR.
ALSO, I THINK THE REFEREES COULD

NEXT YEAR.
ALSO, I THINK THE REFEREES COULD
HAVE BEEN BETTER.

ALSO, I THINK THE REFEREES COULD
HAVE BEEN BETTER.
NOW, THE OVERALL POINT WINNER OF

HAVE BEEN BETTER.
NOW, THE OVERALL POINT WINNER OF
THE MARDI GRAS BOXING NIGHT IS

NOW, THE OVERALL POINT WINNER OF
THE MARDI GRAS BOXING NIGHT IS
FROM BETHANY BAPTIST CHURCH,

THE MARDI GRAS BOXING NIGHT IS
FROM BETHANY BAPTIST CHURCH,
LEE LESLIE DAVIS.

FROM BETHANY BAPTIST CHURCH,
LEE LESLIE DAVIS.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

LEE LESLIE DAVIS.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
I AM COOL.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
I AM COOL.
NOBODY'S FOOL.

I AM COOL.
NOBODY'S FOOL.
I MAKE THE RULES AROUND MY

NOBODY'S FOOL.
I MAKE THE RULES AROUND MY
SCHOOL.

I MAKE THE RULES AROUND MY
SCHOOL.
AND 'CAUSE ALL THE LOVELIES LOVE

SCHOOL.
AND 'CAUSE ALL THE LOVELIES LOVE
ME, NO DUMB SUCKER'S GONNA LAY A

AND 'CAUSE ALL THE LOVELIES LOVE
ME, NO DUMB SUCKER'S GONNA LAY A
GLOVE ON ME.

ME, NO DUMB SUCKER'S GONNA LAY A
GLOVE ON ME.
UH, WHY DO YOU THINK ALI'S IN

GLOVE ON ME.
UH, WHY DO YOU THINK ALI'S IN
ALASKA?

UH, WHY DO YOU THINK ALI'S IN
ALASKA?
IF ALL Y'ALL TRIED TO WHIP ME

ALASKA?
IF ALL Y'ALL TRIED TO WHIP ME
TOGETHER, YOU POTATO HOODS WOULD

IF ALL Y'ALL TRIED TO WHIP ME
TOGETHER, YOU POTATO HOODS WOULD
SEE THE FOREVER.

TOGETHER, YOU POTATO HOODS WOULD
SEE THE FOREVER.
[LAUGHS]

SEE THE FOREVER.
[LAUGHS]
GOODBYE, YOU LOVE ME, AND IT

[LAUGHS]
GOODBYE, YOU LOVE ME, AND IT
MAKES ME SO GLAD.

GOODBYE, YOU LOVE ME, AND IT
MAKES ME SO GLAD.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

MAKES ME SO GLAD.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, THEY

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, THEY
SAY THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW, THEY
SAY THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF
PEOPLE ON ST. PADDY'S DAY... THE

SAY THERE ARE ONLY TWO KINDS OF
PEOPLE ON ST. PADDY'S DAY... THE
IRISH AND THE ONES THAT WISH

PEOPLE ON ST. PADDY'S DAY... THE
IRISH AND THE ONES THAT WISH
THEY WERE IRISH.

IRISH AND THE ONES THAT WISH
THEY WERE IRISH.
[LAUGHS]

THEY WERE IRISH.
[LAUGHS]
BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE

[LAUGHS]
BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE
TROPHY FOR THE MOST

BUT NOW I'D LIKE TO PRESENT THE
TROPHY FOR THE MOST
SPORTSMANLIKE FIGHTER IN THE

TROPHY FOR THE MOST
SPORTSMANLIKE FIGHTER IN THE
BOXING NIGHT.

SPORTSMANLIKE FIGHTER IN THE
BOXING NIGHT.
A PROUD SON OF IRELAND

BOXING NIGHT.
A PROUD SON OF IRELAND
AND A SON OF MY OWN,

A PROUD SON OF IRELAND
AND A SON OF MY OWN,
FRANCIS "JACKO" LEARY JR.

AND A SON OF MY OWN,
FRANCIS "JACKO" LEARY JR.
JACKO!

FRANCIS "JACKO" LEARY JR.
JACKO!
COME ON, JACKO!

JACKO!
COME ON, JACKO!
UH, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, WHY

COME ON, JACKO!
UH, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, WHY
DO YOU THINK YOU WON THE

UH, I WANT YOU TO TELL ME, WHY
DO YOU THINK YOU WON THE
SPORTSMANLIKE TROPHY TODAY?

DO YOU THINK YOU WON THE
SPORTSMANLIKE TROPHY TODAY?
YOU THINK IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR

SPORTSMANLIKE TROPHY TODAY?
YOU THINK IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR
PARENTS RAISED YOU TO BE A

YOU THINK IT'S 'CAUSE YOUR
PARENTS RAISED YOU TO BE A
GENTLEMAN WITH A SENSE OF

PARENTS RAISED YOU TO BE A
GENTLEMAN WITH A SENSE OF
HUMILITY, HUH?

GENTLEMAN WITH A SENSE OF
HUMILITY, HUH?
NO, IT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE I

HUMILITY, HUH?
NO, IT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE I
DIDN'T HIT ANYBODY.

NO, IT'S PROBABLY 'CAUSE I
DIDN'T HIT ANYBODY.
SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!

DIDN'T HIT ANYBODY.
SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!
[LAUGHS]

SIT DOWN! SIT DOWN!
[LAUGHS]
I'M A GOOD SPORT!

[LAUGHS]
I'M A GOOD SPORT!
SIT DOWN, JACKO.

I'M A GOOD SPORT!
SIT DOWN, JACKO.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

SIT DOWN, JACKO.
OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.
NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
GUEST OF HONOR.

NOW, I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE OUR
GUEST OF HONOR.
SHE COMES TO US FROM BELFAST,

GUEST OF HONOR.
SHE COMES TO US FROM BELFAST,
IRELAND.

SHE COMES TO US FROM BELFAST,
IRELAND.
SHE'S HERE AT ST. MICKEY'S FOR

IRELAND.
SHE'S HERE AT ST. MICKEY'S FOR
ONE YEAR AS AN ADVISING TEACHER.

SHE'S HERE AT ST. MICKEY'S FOR
ONE YEAR AS AN ADVISING TEACHER.
SHE'S A LOVELY LASS, YOU KNOW, A

ONE YEAR AS AN ADVISING TEACHER.
SHE'S A LOVELY LASS, YOU KNOW, A
CUTE LITTLE COLLEEN.

SHE'S A LOVELY LASS, YOU KNOW, A
CUTE LITTLE COLLEEN.
SHE'S GONNA GIVE US A FEW WORDS.

CUTE LITTLE COLLEEN.
SHE'S GONNA GIVE US A FEW WORDS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

SHE'S GONNA GIVE US A FEW WORDS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARY MARGARET MUGGY.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MARY MARGARET MUGGY.
ALL RIGHT!

MARY MARGARET MUGGY.
ALL RIGHT!
MARY MARGARET!

ALL RIGHT!
MARY MARGARET!
PLEASE!

MARY MARGARET!
PLEASE!
MARY MARGARET MUGGY!

PLEASE!
MARY MARGARET MUGGY!
MARY!

MARY MARGARET MUGGY!
MARY!
[Irish accent] NOW, YOU

MARY!
[Irish accent] NOW, YOU
KNOW, WHEN I LOOK AT YOUNG JACKO

[Irish accent] NOW, YOU
KNOW, WHEN I LOOK AT YOUNG JACKO
HERE, I'M REMINDED OF ANOTHER

KNOW, WHEN I LOOK AT YOUNG JACKO
HERE, I'M REMINDED OF ANOTHER
YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD BE JACKO'S

HERE, I'M REMINDED OF ANOTHER
YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD BE JACKO'S
AGE IF HE HADN'T BEEN BLOWN UP

YOUNG MAN WHO WOULD BE JACKO'S
AGE IF HE HADN'T BEEN BLOWN UP
IN A PUB BY A BOMB, A BOMB THAT

AGE IF HE HADN'T BEEN BLOWN UP
IN A PUB BY A BOMB, A BOMB THAT
WAS PAID FOR BY A DENTIST IN

IN A PUB BY A BOMB, A BOMB THAT
WAS PAID FOR BY A DENTIST IN
BOSTON.

WAS PAID FOR BY A DENTIST IN
BOSTON.
NOW, YOU SAY THE IRISH ARE KNOWN

BOSTON.
NOW, YOU SAY THE IRISH ARE KNOWN
FOR BEING FIGHTERS, AND IT'S

NOW, YOU SAY THE IRISH ARE KNOWN
FOR BEING FIGHTERS, AND IT'S
TRUE.

FOR BEING FIGHTERS, AND IT'S
TRUE.
BUT WE'RE MORE PROUD OF OUR

TRUE.
BUT WE'RE MORE PROUD OF OUR
LITERATURE, OUR POETRY, OUR

BUT WE'RE MORE PROUD OF OUR
LITERATURE, OUR POETRY, OUR
MUSIC, OUR CRAFTS, OUR SENSE OF

LITERATURE, OUR POETRY, OUR
MUSIC, OUR CRAFTS, OUR SENSE OF
HUMOR, OUR LOVE OF CONVERSATION,

MUSIC, OUR CRAFTS, OUR SENSE OF
HUMOR, OUR LOVE OF CONVERSATION,
OUR HOSPITALITY BECAUSE WHAT

HUMOR, OUR LOVE OF CONVERSATION,
OUR HOSPITALITY BECAUSE WHAT
HAVE WE GOT TO SHOW FOR ALL THE

OUR HOSPITALITY BECAUSE WHAT
HAVE WE GOT TO SHOW FOR ALL THE
FIGHTING?

HAVE WE GOT TO SHOW FOR ALL THE
FIGHTING?
OUR LOVED ONES, OUR YOUNG BOYS

FIGHTING?
OUR LOVED ONES, OUR YOUNG BOYS
DEAD BEFORE THEIR TIME.

OUR LOVED ONES, OUR YOUNG BOYS
DEAD BEFORE THEIR TIME.
NOW, SOON, IRELAND IS GOING TO

DEAD BEFORE THEIR TIME.
NOW, SOON, IRELAND IS GOING TO
BE PLAYGROUND FOR THE EUROPEAN

NOW, SOON, IRELAND IS GOING TO
BE PLAYGROUND FOR THE EUROPEAN
AND THE AMERICAN RICH, BUT,

BE PLAYGROUND FOR THE EUROPEAN
AND THE AMERICAN RICH, BUT,
MEANWHILE, MOST IRISH HAVE TO GO

AND THE AMERICAN RICH, BUT,
MEANWHILE, MOST IRISH HAVE TO GO
SOMEWHERE ELSE TO MAKE A LIVING.

MEANWHILE, MOST IRISH HAVE TO GO
SOMEWHERE ELSE TO MAKE A LIVING.
AND IF YOU MUST TAKE A SIDE IN

SOMEWHERE ELSE TO MAKE A LIVING.
AND IF YOU MUST TAKE A SIDE IN
THE IRISH CONFLICT, WHY NOT JOIN

AND IF YOU MUST TAKE A SIDE IN
THE IRISH CONFLICT, WHY NOT JOIN
THE CATHOLICS AND THE

THE IRISH CONFLICT, WHY NOT JOIN
THE CATHOLICS AND THE
PROTESTANTS AGAINST THEIR COMMON

THE CATHOLICS AND THE
PROTESTANTS AGAINST THEIR COMMON
ENEMY... POVERTY?

PROTESTANTS AGAINST THEIR COMMON
ENEMY... POVERTY?
THE TROUBLE IS NOT NATIONAL.

ENEMY... POVERTY?
THE TROUBLE IS NOT NATIONAL.
IT'S NOT RELIGIOUS.

THE TROUBLE IS NOT NATIONAL.
IT'S NOT RELIGIOUS.
IT'S ECONOMIC.

IT'S NOT RELIGIOUS.
IT'S ECONOMIC.
NOW, YOUR MONEY COULD GO TO

IT'S ECONOMIC.
NOW, YOUR MONEY COULD GO TO
BETTER USE THAN BLOWING UP A

NOW, YOUR MONEY COULD GO TO
BETTER USE THAN BLOWING UP A
BAKERY OR A PUB.

BETTER USE THAN BLOWING UP A
BAKERY OR A PUB.
BUT DON'T ABANDON YOUR IRISH

BAKERY OR A PUB.
BUT DON'T ABANDON YOUR IRISH
BROTHERS AND SISTERS, BUT DON'T

BUT DON'T ABANDON YOUR IRISH
BROTHERS AND SISTERS, BUT DON'T
HELP TO KILL THEM.

BROTHERS AND SISTERS, BUT DON'T
HELP TO KILL THEM.
FOR LIFE INCREASED... "WE

HELP TO KILL THEM.
FOR LIFE INCREASED... "WE
INCREASE THE SEA WITH OUR TEARS

FOR LIFE INCREASED... "WE
INCREASE THE SEA WITH OUR TEARS
AND THE WANDERING WIND WITH OUR

INCREASE THE SEA WITH OUR TEARS
AND THE WANDERING WIND WITH OUR
SIGHS."

AND THE WANDERING WIND WITH OUR
SIGHS."
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.

SIGHS."
THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
[COUGHS]

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
[COUGHS]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

[COUGHS]
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
AH, THANK YOU.

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
AH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MARY MARGARET.

AH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MARY MARGARET.
SO, UH, HMM...

THANK YOU, MARY MARGARET.
SO, UH, HMM...
AND NOW, UH, TO, AH...

SO, UH, HMM...
AND NOW, UH, TO, AH...
CONTINUE WITH THE FESTIVITIES.

AND NOW, UH, TO, AH...
CONTINUE WITH THE FESTIVITIES.
THE PARTY.

CONTINUE WITH THE FESTIVITIES.
THE PARTY.
YEAH.

THE PARTY.
YEAH.
OH, BEFORE WE FORGET!

YEAH.
OH, BEFORE WE FORGET!
HEY, LET'S THANK THE GIRLS IN

OH, BEFORE WE FORGET!
HEY, LET'S THANK THE GIRLS IN
THE KITCHEN FOR THE FINE

HEY, LET'S THANK THE GIRLS IN
THE KITCHEN FOR THE FINE
SPAGHETTI DINNER THEY COOKED FOR

THE KITCHEN FOR THE FINE
SPAGHETTI DINNER THEY COOKED FOR
US TONIGHT.

SPAGHETTI DINNER THEY COOKED FOR
US TONIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?

US TONIGHT.
HOW ABOUT THAT?
COME ON, GIRLS.

HOW ABOUT THAT?
COME ON, GIRLS.
AREN'T THEY WONDERFUL?

COME ON, GIRLS.
AREN'T THEY WONDERFUL?
AREN'T THEY FANTASTIC, HUH?

AREN'T THEY WONDERFUL?
AREN'T THEY FANTASTIC, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.

AREN'T THEY FANTASTIC, HUH?
ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.

ALL RIGHT, GIRLS.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
[LAUGHS]

NOW GET OUT OF HERE.
[LAUGHS]
NOW, BEFORE WE GET TO THE

[LAUGHS]
NOW, BEFORE WE GET TO THE
DANCING, LET'S CLOSE THIS

NOW, BEFORE WE GET TO THE
DANCING, LET'S CLOSE THIS
MEETING WITH A NICE, LITTLE

DANCING, LET'S CLOSE THIS
MEETING WITH A NICE, LITTLE
IRISH SONG.

MEETING WITH A NICE, LITTLE
IRISH SONG.
NOW, DO WE ALL KNOW "A LITTLE

IRISH SONG.
NOW, DO WE ALL KNOW "A LITTLE
BIT OF HEAVEN"?

NOW, DO WE ALL KNOW "A LITTLE
BIT OF HEAVEN"?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT.

BIT OF HEAVEN"?
ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT.
[HUMMING]

ALL RIGHT. LET'S TRY IT.
[HUMMING]
♪ SURE, A LITTLE BIT OF

[HUMMING]
♪ SURE, A LITTLE BIT OF
HEAVEN FELL FROM OUT THE SKY ONE

♪ SURE, A LITTLE BIT OF
HEAVEN FELL FROM OUT THE SKY ONE
DAY ♪

HEAVEN FELL FROM OUT THE SKY ONE
DAY ♪
♪ AND LANDED ON THE OCEAN IN A

DAY ♪
♪ AND LANDED ON THE OCEAN IN A
SPOT SO FAR AWAY ♪

♪ AND LANDED ON THE OCEAN IN A
SPOT SO FAR AWAY ♪
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪

SPOT SO FAR AWAY ♪
♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
♪ WITH STARDUST JUST TO MAKE THE

♪ DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA DA ♪
♪ WITH STARDUST JUST TO MAKE THE
STARS GROW ♪

♪ WITH STARDUST JUST TO MAKE THE
STARS GROW ♪
♪ THAT'S HOW DA DA DA DA... ♪

STARS GROW ♪
♪ THAT'S HOW DA DA DA DA... ♪
[Operatically] ♪ NO MATTER

♪ THAT'S HOW DA DA DA DA... ♪
[Operatically] ♪ NO MATTER
WHERE YOU GO ♪

[Operatically] ♪ NO MATTER
WHERE YOU GO ♪
♪ THEN THEY DOTTED IT WITH

WHERE YOU GO ♪
♪ THEN THEY DOTTED IT WITH
SILVER TO MAKE HER LAKES SO

♪ THEN THEY DOTTED IT WITH
SILVER TO MAKE HER LAKES SO
GRAND ♪

SILVER TO MAKE HER LAKES SO
GRAND ♪
♪ AND ♪

GRAND ♪
♪ AND ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]

♪ AND ♪
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ WHEN THEY HAD IT FINISHED,

[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ WHEN THEY HAD IT FINISHED,
SURE, THEY CALLED IT

♪ WHEN THEY HAD IT FINISHED,
SURE, THEY CALLED IT
IRELAND ♪

SURE, THEY CALLED IT
IRELAND ♪
THE BAR'S OPEN!

GENERAL MOTORS INTRODUCES THE
NEW RASTAFARIAN SEDAN.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP

NEW RASTAFARIAN SEDAN.
THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP
ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS STORY AND MORE COMING UP
ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW

ON "WEEKEND UPDATE."
Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN AND BILL MURRAY.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PROUD

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PROUD
AND EXCITED AFTER SUCCESSFULLY

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... PROUD
AND EXCITED AFTER SUCCESSFULLY
PUTTING EGYPT AND ISRAEL BACK

AND EXCITED AFTER SUCCESSFULLY
PUTTING EGYPT AND ISRAEL BACK
TOGETHER, JIMMY CARTER SAID

PUTTING EGYPT AND ISRAEL BACK
TOGETHER, JIMMY CARTER SAID
TODAY, "IT WAS ONLY THE

TOGETHER, JIMMY CARTER SAID
TODAY, "IT WAS ONLY THE
BEGINNING," AND FLEW OFF TO

TODAY, "IT WAS ONLY THE
BEGINNING," AND FLEW OFF TO
NEW YORK TO TRY TO PUT NBC's

BEGINNING," AND FLEW OFF TO
NEW YORK TO TRY TO PUT NBC's
PROGRAM SCHEDULE BACK TOGETHER.

NEW YORK TO TRY TO PUT NBC's
PROGRAM SCHEDULE BACK TOGETHER.
FORMER PRESIDENT AND

PROGRAM SCHEDULE BACK TOGETHER.
FORMER PRESIDENT AND
MRS. RICHARD NIXON CAME TO

FORMER PRESIDENT AND
MRS. RICHARD NIXON CAME TO
NEW YORK THIS WEEK TO VISIT

MRS. RICHARD NIXON CAME TO
NEW YORK THIS WEEK TO VISIT
DAUGHTER TRICIA, WHO HAD JUST

NEW YORK THIS WEEK TO VISIT
DAUGHTER TRICIA, WHO HAD JUST
GIVEN BIRTH TO NIXON'S FIRST

DAUGHTER TRICIA, WHO HAD JUST
GIVEN BIRTH TO NIXON'S FIRST
GRANDSON, CHRISTOPHER NIXON COX.

GIVEN BIRTH TO NIXON'S FIRST
GRANDSON, CHRISTOPHER NIXON COX.
NIXON HAD SOME DOUBTS ABOUT THE

GRANDSON, CHRISTOPHER NIXON COX.
NIXON HAD SOME DOUBTS ABOUT THE
CHILD'S FUTURE, HAVING HEARD

NIXON HAD SOME DOUBTS ABOUT THE
CHILD'S FUTURE, HAVING HEARD
THAT BEING A NATIONAL DISGRACE

CHILD'S FUTURE, HAVING HEARD
THAT BEING A NATIONAL DISGRACE
CAN OFTEN SKIP A GENERATION.

YOU LEFT THIS AT MY PLACE.
THE CHIEFTAINS FOUND IT.
[CHUCKLES]

THE CHIEFTAINS FOUND IT.
[CHUCKLES]
TRAGEDY IN THE WORLD OF HORSE

[CHUCKLES]
TRAGEDY IN THE WORLD OF HORSE
RACING THIS WEEK, WHEN A

TRAGEDY IN THE WORLD OF HORSE
RACING THIS WEEK, WHEN A
3-YEAR-OLD FILLY NAMED

RACING THIS WEEK, WHEN A
3-YEAR-OLD FILLY NAMED
SMALL CYST, RUNNING ON A SLOPPY

3-YEAR-OLD FILLY NAMED
SMALL CYST, RUNNING ON A SLOPPY
TRACK AT AQUEDUCT, STUMBLED ON A

SMALL CYST, RUNNING ON A SLOPPY
TRACK AT AQUEDUCT, STUMBLED ON A
TURN, HIT THE INSIDE RAIL, AND

TRACK AT AQUEDUCT, STUMBLED ON A
TURN, HIT THE INSIDE RAIL, AND
BURST INTO FLAMES.

TURN, HIT THE INSIDE RAIL, AND
BURST INTO FLAMES.
THE HORSE RAGED OUT OF CONTROL

BURST INTO FLAMES.
THE HORSE RAGED OUT OF CONTROL
FOR 40 MINUTES, BUT,

THE HORSE RAGED OUT OF CONTROL
FOR 40 MINUTES, BUT,
FORTUNATELY, NO OTHER HORSES

FOR 40 MINUTES, BUT,
FORTUNATELY, NO OTHER HORSES
WERE INVOLVED.

FORTUNATELY, NO OTHER HORSES
WERE INVOLVED.
THE PRIMATE STEERING COMMITTEE

WERE INVOLVED.
THE PRIMATE STEERING COMMITTEE
OF THE COMBINED NATIONAL

THE PRIMATE STEERING COMMITTEE
OF THE COMBINED NATIONAL
INSTITUTES OF HEALTH REPORTS

OF THE COMBINED NATIONAL
INSTITUTES OF HEALTH REPORTS
THAT THERE IS A SEVERE SHORTAGE

INSTITUTES OF HEALTH REPORTS
THAT THERE IS A SEVERE SHORTAGE
OR RHESUS MONKEYS FOR SCIENTIFIC

THAT THERE IS A SEVERE SHORTAGE
OR RHESUS MONKEYS FOR SCIENTIFIC
RESEARCH DUE TO A CONTRACT

OR RHESUS MONKEYS FOR SCIENTIFIC
RESEARCH DUE TO A CONTRACT
DISPUTE BETWEEN BANGLADESH AND

RESEARCH DUE TO A CONTRACT
DISPUTE BETWEEN BANGLADESH AND
ITS U.S. MARKETER.

DISPUTE BETWEEN BANGLADESH AND
ITS U.S. MARKETER.
THE MONKEYS ARE SORELY NEEDED TO

ITS U.S. MARKETER.
THE MONKEYS ARE SORELY NEEDED TO
TEST POLIO VACCINES AND

THE MONKEYS ARE SORELY NEEDED TO
TEST POLIO VACCINES AND
CONTRACEPTIVES AND OTHER

TEST POLIO VACCINES AND
CONTRACEPTIVES AND OTHER
PROJECTS VITAL TO US ALL.

CONTRACEPTIVES AND OTHER
PROJECTS VITAL TO US ALL.
SO, IF YOU ARE A RHESUS MONKEY

PROJECTS VITAL TO US ALL.
SO, IF YOU ARE A RHESUS MONKEY
WATCHING ME NOW AND YOU WOULD

SO, IF YOU ARE A RHESUS MONKEY
WATCHING ME NOW AND YOU WOULD
LIKE TO DONATE YOUR BODY TO

WATCHING ME NOW AND YOU WOULD
LIKE TO DONATE YOUR BODY TO
SCIENCE, PLEASE HOP IN A BOX AND

LIKE TO DONATE YOUR BODY TO
SCIENCE, PLEASE HOP IN A BOX AND
HAVE YOURSELF MAILED TO

SCIENCE, PLEASE HOP IN A BOX AND
HAVE YOURSELF MAILED TO
RHESUS ROUNDUP, SAN SIMIAN,

HAVE YOURSELF MAILED TO
RHESUS ROUNDUP, SAN SIMIAN,
CALIFORNIA.

RHESUS ROUNDUP, SAN SIMIAN,
CALIFORNIA.
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO BE

CALIFORNIA.
IT'S A GREAT WAY TO BE
REMEMBERED, AND, OF COURSE,

IT'S A GREAT WAY TO BE
REMEMBERED, AND, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.

REMEMBERED, AND, OF COURSE,
YOU'RE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE

YOU'RE TAX DEDUCTIBLE.
MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK'S DAY

MILLIONS OF AMERICANS ARE
CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK'S DAY
TODAY, AND HERE WITH A COMMENT

CELEBRATING ST. PATRICK'S DAY
TODAY, AND HERE WITH A COMMENT
IS OUR GOOD FRIEND

TODAY, AND HERE WITH A COMMENT
IS OUR GOOD FRIEND
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

IS OUR GOOD FRIEND
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER SARDUCCI?

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
FATHER SARDUCCI?
THANK YOU.

FATHER SARDUCCI?
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
MOST PEOPLE ARE VERY AWARE THAT

THANK YOU.
MOST PEOPLE ARE VERY AWARE THAT
SAINT PATRICK IS THE PATRON

MOST PEOPLE ARE VERY AWARE THAT
SAINT PATRICK IS THE PATRON
SAINT OF IRELAND.

SAINT PATRICK IS THE PATRON
SAINT OF IRELAND.
HE LIVED AROUND THE YEAR 400,

SAINT OF IRELAND.
HE LIVED AROUND THE YEAR 400,
500, RIGHT IN THERE.

HE LIVED AROUND THE YEAR 400,
500, RIGHT IN THERE.
MOST PEOPLE KNOW HIM BECAUSE

500, RIGHT IN THERE.
MOST PEOPLE KNOW HIM BECAUSE
THEY THINK THAT HE CHASED THE

MOST PEOPLE KNOW HIM BECAUSE
THEY THINK THAT HE CHASED THE
SNAKES FROM IRELAND.

THEY THINK THAT HE CHASED THE
SNAKES FROM IRELAND.
BUT, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT THE

SNAKES FROM IRELAND.
BUT, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT THE
TRUTH.

BUT, ACTUALLY, THAT'S NOT THE
TRUTH.
REALLY, HE DIDN'T CHASE THEM.

TRUTH.
REALLY, HE DIDN'T CHASE THEM.
HE KIND OF LED THEM.

REALLY, HE DIDN'T CHASE THEM.
HE KIND OF LED THEM.
HE WAS KIND LIKE A PIED PIPER

HE KIND OF LED THEM.
HE WAS KIND LIKE A PIED PIPER
FOR SNAKES.

HE WAS KIND LIKE A PIED PIPER
FOR SNAKES.
I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST

FOR SNAKES.
I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT SNAKES

I DON'T KNOW, IT WAS JUST
SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT SNAKES
LIKED TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND, YOU

SOMETHING ABOUT HIM THAT SNAKES
LIKED TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND, YOU
KNOW.

LIKED TO FOLLOW HIM AROUND, YOU
KNOW.
AND YOU MAY THINK THAT SNAKES GO

KNOW.
AND YOU MAY THINK THAT SNAKES GO
VERY FAST, AND THEY DO IF

AND YOU MAY THINK THAT SNAKES GO
VERY FAST, AND THEY DO IF
THEY'RE JUST GOING SHORT

VERY FAST, AND THEY DO IF
THEY'RE JUST GOING SHORT
DISTANCES.

THEY'RE JUST GOING SHORT
DISTANCES.
BUT, LIKE, WHEN THEY'RE ON A

DISTANCES.
BUT, LIKE, WHEN THEY'RE ON A
LONG JOURNEY, THEY GO VERY, VERY

BUT, LIKE, WHEN THEY'RE ON A
LONG JOURNEY, THEY GO VERY, VERY
SLOWLY.

LONG JOURNEY, THEY GO VERY, VERY
SLOWLY.
AND SAINT PATRICK, HE HAD TO

SLOWLY.
AND SAINT PATRICK, HE HAD TO
WALK VERY, VERY SLOW, AND ALL OF

AND SAINT PATRICK, HE HAD TO
WALK VERY, VERY SLOW, AND ALL OF
THE SNAKES FOLLOWED HIM.

WALK VERY, VERY SLOW, AND ALL OF
THE SNAKES FOLLOWED HIM.
AND THEN HE TRICKED THEM.

THE SNAKES FOLLOWED HIM.
AND THEN HE TRICKED THEM.
HE WENT INTO THE OCEAN, AND THEY

AND THEN HE TRICKED THEM.
HE WENT INTO THE OCEAN, AND THEY
ALL FOLLOWED HIM.

HE WENT INTO THE OCEAN, AND THEY
ALL FOLLOWED HIM.
AND HE WENT WAY, WAY OUT, AND HE

ALL FOLLOWED HIM.
AND HE WENT WAY, WAY OUT, AND HE
WAITED TILL THEY ALL DROWNED,

AND HE WENT WAY, WAY OUT, AND HE
WAITED TILL THEY ALL DROWNED,
AND THEN HE SWAM BACK IN.

WAITED TILL THEY ALL DROWNED,
AND THEN HE SWAM BACK IN.
THAT'S WHAT HE DID.

AND THEN HE SWAM BACK IN.
THAT'S WHAT HE DID.
YOU SEE, SAINT PATRICK, HE WAS A

THAT'S WHAT HE DID.
YOU SEE, SAINT PATRICK, HE WAS A
GOOD SAINT, BUT HE WASN'T A

YOU SEE, SAINT PATRICK, HE WAS A
GOOD SAINT, BUT HE WASN'T A
GREAT SAINT, LIKE SAINT JOSEPH,

GOOD SAINT, BUT HE WASN'T A
GREAT SAINT, LIKE SAINT JOSEPH,
THE PATRON SAINT OF ITALY.

GREAT SAINT, LIKE SAINT JOSEPH,
THE PATRON SAINT OF ITALY.
HE'S A GREAT SAINT, NOT JUST

THE PATRON SAINT OF ITALY.
HE'S A GREAT SAINT, NOT JUST
A GOOD SAINT.

HE'S A GREAT SAINT, NOT JUST
A GOOD SAINT.
YOU KNOW, SAINT JOSEPH'S NAME

A GOOD SAINT.
YOU KNOW, SAINT JOSEPH'S NAME
DAY IS COMING UP... MARCH 19th,

YOU KNOW, SAINT JOSEPH'S NAME
DAY IS COMING UP... MARCH 19th,
ONLY TWO DAYS AWAY.

DAY IS COMING UP... MARCH 19th,
ONLY TWO DAYS AWAY.
BUT THERE WON'T BE NO PARADES,

ONLY TWO DAYS AWAY.
BUT THERE WON'T BE NO PARADES,
NO PARTIES, NOT EVEN A SONG FOR

BUT THERE WON'T BE NO PARADES,
NO PARTIES, NOT EVEN A SONG FOR
SAINT JOSEPH.

NO PARTIES, NOT EVEN A SONG FOR
SAINT JOSEPH.
AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE OF

SAINT JOSEPH.
AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE OF
SAINT PATRICK.

AND THE REASON IS BECAUSE OF
SAINT PATRICK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING

SAINT PATRICK.
YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING
A BIRTHDAY TWO DAYS AFTER

YOU KNOW, IT'S JUST LIKE HAVING
A BIRTHDAY TWO DAYS AFTER
CHRISTMAS.

A BIRTHDAY TWO DAYS AFTER
CHRISTMAS.
YOU JUST DON'T GET THE SAME

CHRISTMAS.
YOU JUST DON'T GET THE SAME
ATTENTION, YOU KNOW.

YOU JUST DON'T GET THE SAME
ATTENTION, YOU KNOW.
AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT

ATTENTION, YOU KNOW.
AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT
HE WAS A GREAT SAINT, AND THIS

AND IT JUST BREAKS MY HEART THAT
HE WAS A GREAT SAINT, AND THIS
GOOD, MEDIOCRE SAINT GETS ALL

HE WAS A GREAT SAINT, AND THIS
GOOD, MEDIOCRE SAINT GETS ALL
THE GLORY.

GOOD, MEDIOCRE SAINT GETS ALL
THE GLORY.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE A

THE GLORY.
YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE A
PATRON SAINT FOR THE

YOU KNOW, YOU DON'T HAVE A
PATRON SAINT FOR THE
UNITED STATES, BUT THERE ARE

PATRON SAINT FOR THE
UNITED STATES, BUT THERE ARE
SOME AMERICAN SAINTS.

UNITED STATES, BUT THERE ARE
SOME AMERICAN SAINTS.
JUST THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS

SOME AMERICAN SAINTS.
JUST THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS
THEY MADE SOME.

JUST THE LAST COUPLE OF YEARS
THEY MADE SOME.
THE FIRST WAS ABOUT TWO YEARS

THEY MADE SOME.
THE FIRST WAS ABOUT TWO YEARS
AGO.

THE FIRST WAS ABOUT TWO YEARS
AGO.
HER NAME WAS

AGO.
HER NAME WAS
SAINT ELIZABETH ANN SETON.

HER NAME WAS
SAINT ELIZABETH ANN SETON.
MOTHER SETON IS WHAT THEY CALL

SAINT ELIZABETH ANN SETON.
MOTHER SETON IS WHAT THEY CALL
HER.

MOTHER SETON IS WHAT THEY CALL
HER.
AND SHE'S GOT THESE NUNS IN HER

HER.
AND SHE'S GOT THESE NUNS IN HER
OWN ORDER WHO LOBBIED REAL

AND SHE'S GOT THESE NUNS IN HER
OWN ORDER WHO LOBBIED REAL
HEAVY.

OWN ORDER WHO LOBBIED REAL
HEAVY.
THEY CAME TO ROME AND

HEAVY.
THEY CAME TO ROME AND
EVERYTHING.

THEY CAME TO ROME AND
EVERYTHING.
AND IT'S AMAZING.

EVERYTHING.
AND IT'S AMAZING.
YOU SEE, TO BE MADE A SAINT IN

AND IT'S AMAZING.
YOU SEE, TO BE MADE A SAINT IN
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, YOU HAVE TO

YOU SEE, TO BE MADE A SAINT IN
THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, YOU HAVE TO
HAVE FOUR MIRACLES.

THE CATHOLIC CHURCH, YOU HAVE TO
HAVE FOUR MIRACLES.
THAT'S THE RULES, YOU KNOW.

HAVE FOUR MIRACLES.
THAT'S THE RULES, YOU KNOW.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.

THAT'S THE RULES, YOU KNOW.
IT'S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.
FOUR MIRACLES, AND TO PROVE IT.

IT'S ALWAYS BEEN LIKE THAT.
FOUR MIRACLES, AND TO PROVE IT.
WELL, THIS MOTHER SETON, THEY

FOUR MIRACLES, AND TO PROVE IT.
WELL, THIS MOTHER SETON, THEY
COULD ONLY PROVE THREE MIRACLES.

WELL, THIS MOTHER SETON, THEY
COULD ONLY PROVE THREE MIRACLES.
BUT THE POPE, HE JUST WAIVED THE

COULD ONLY PROVE THREE MIRACLES.
BUT THE POPE, HE JUST WAIVED THE
FOURTH ONE.

BUT THE POPE, HE JUST WAIVED THE
FOURTH ONE.
HE JUST WAIVED IT.

FOURTH ONE.
HE JUST WAIVED IT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?

HE JUST WAIVED IT.
AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS AMERICAN.

AND DO YOU KNOW WHY?
IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS AMERICAN.
IT'S ALL POLITICS.

IT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS AMERICAN.
IT'S ALL POLITICS.
WE GOT SOME ITALIAN PEOPLE.

IT'S ALL POLITICS.
WE GOT SOME ITALIAN PEOPLE.
THEY GOT 40, 50, 60 MIRACLES TO

WE GOT SOME ITALIAN PEOPLE.
THEY GOT 40, 50, 60 MIRACLES TO
THEIR NAME.

THEY GOT 40, 50, 60 MIRACLES TO
THEIR NAME.
THEY CAN'T GET IN JUST 'CAUSE

THEIR NAME.
THEY CAN'T GET IN JUST 'CAUSE
THEY SAY THERE'S ALREADY TOO

THEY CAN'T GET IN JUST 'CAUSE
THEY SAY THERE'S ALREADY TOO
MANY ITALIAN SAINTS.

THEY SAY THERE'S ALREADY TOO
MANY ITALIAN SAINTS.
AND THIS WOMAN COMES ALONG WITH

MANY ITALIAN SAINTS.
AND THIS WOMAN COMES ALONG WITH
THREE LOUSY MIRACLES.

AND THIS WOMAN COMES ALONG WITH
THREE LOUSY MIRACLES.
I UNDERSTAND THAT TWO OF THEM

THREE LOUSY MIRACLES.
I UNDERSTAND THAT TWO OF THEM
WAS CARD TRICKS.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, THEY'RE
GONNA BE MAKING KRESKIN A SAINT.
SAINT KRESKIN THEY'LL PROBABLY

GONNA BE MAKING KRESKIN A SAINT.
SAINT KRESKIN THEY'LL PROBABLY
CALL HIM.

SAINT KRESKIN THEY'LL PROBABLY
CALL HIM.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

CALL HIM.
THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY TO

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.
WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE

WELL, I'M VERY HAPPY TO
ANNOUNCE THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE
ME, I'M GONNA BE MONSIGNOR.

ANNOUNCE THAT NEXT TIME YOU SEE
ME, I'M GONNA BE MONSIGNOR.
THAT'S RIGHT.

ME, I'M GONNA BE MONSIGNOR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WAS PROMOTED.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I WAS PROMOTED.
THANK YOU.

I WAS PROMOTED.
THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, THANK YOU.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT UNTIL NEXT

YEAH, THANK YOU.
ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT UNTIL NEXT
WEEK THAT THEY SIGN THE PAPERS,

ACTUALLY, IT'S NOT UNTIL NEXT
WEEK THAT THEY SIGN THE PAPERS,
BUT NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW,

WEEK THAT THEY SIGN THE PAPERS,
BUT NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW,
AND I'M REAL EXCITED GETTING THE

BUT NOTHING CAN STOP ME NOW,
AND I'M REAL EXCITED GETTING THE
NEW COSTUME, EVERYTHING, YOU

AND I'M REAL EXCITED GETTING THE
NEW COSTUME, EVERYTHING, YOU
KNOW.

NEW COSTUME, EVERYTHING, YOU
KNOW.
WHEN YOU'RE MONSIGNOR, YOU GET

KNOW.
WHEN YOU'RE MONSIGNOR, YOU GET
TO HAVE A NICE RED STRIPE, AND

WHEN YOU'RE MONSIGNOR, YOU GET
TO HAVE A NICE RED STRIPE, AND
THEY SAY THAT NOTHING BRINGS

TO HAVE A NICE RED STRIPE, AND
THEY SAY THAT NOTHING BRINGS
OUT THE GOOD VEAL IN ITALIAN

THEY SAY THAT NOTHING BRINGS
OUT THE GOOD VEAL IN ITALIAN
RESTAURANTS THAN THAT RED

OUT THE GOOD VEAL IN ITALIAN
RESTAURANTS THAN THAT RED
STRIPE, YOU KNOW.

RESTAURANTS THAN THAT RED
STRIPE, YOU KNOW.
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO

STRIPE, YOU KNOW.
I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
IT.

I'M REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO
IT.
I JUST WISH I WAS FEELING

IT.
I JUST WISH I WAS FEELING
BETTER, YOU KNOW?

I JUST WISH I WAS FEELING
BETTER, YOU KNOW?
LAST NIGHT, I GOT THIS TATTOO,

BETTER, YOU KNOW?
LAST NIGHT, I GOT THIS TATTOO,
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN ITCHING ME.

LAST NIGHT, I GOT THIS TATTOO,
AND IT'S REALLY BEEN ITCHING ME.
AND I HAVE A LITTLE FEVER, AND I

AND IT'S REALLY BEEN ITCHING ME.
AND I HAVE A LITTLE FEVER, AND I
HOPE I FEEL BETTER BY THE

AND I HAVE A LITTLE FEVER, AND I
HOPE I FEEL BETTER BY THE
CEREMONIES.

HOPE I FEEL BETTER BY THE
CEREMONIES.
WELL, IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL

CEREMONIES.
WELL, IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
SPENDING A COUPLE OF MOMENTS

WELL, IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
SPENDING A COUPLE OF MOMENTS
WITH YOU.

SPENDING A COUPLE OF MOMENTS
WITH YOU.
BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK,

WITH YOU.
BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK,
PLEASE.

BILL, YOU CAN TAKE IT BACK,
PLEASE.
THANK YOU, FATHER SARDUCCI.

PLEASE.
THANK YOU, FATHER SARDUCCI.
THANK YOU!

THANK YOU, FATHER SARDUCCI.
THANK YOU!
THIS PAST WEDNESDAY,

THANK YOU!
THIS PAST WEDNESDAY,
MARCH 14th, MARKED THE 100th

THIS PAST WEDNESDAY,
MARCH 14th, MARKED THE 100th
BIRTHDAY OF MY MAIN GENIUS MAN,

MARCH 14th, MARKED THE 100th
BIRTHDAY OF MY MAIN GENIUS MAN,
DR. ALBERT EINSTEIN.

BIRTHDAY OF MY MAIN GENIUS MAN,
DR. ALBERT EINSTEIN.
AND I'D LIKE TO HONOR HIM IN MY

DR. ALBERT EINSTEIN.
AND I'D LIKE TO HONOR HIM IN MY
OWN WAY.

AND I'D LIKE TO HONOR HIM IN MY
OWN WAY.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

OWN WAY.
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR. RELATIVITY ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
MR. RELATIVITY ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪

MR. RELATIVITY ♪
♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
GET OUT OF HERE, ALBIE!

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU ♪
GET OUT OF HERE, ALBIE!
JANE?

GET OUT OF HERE, ALBIE!
JANE?
SERVING TIME IN SAN FRANCISCO

JANE?
SERVING TIME IN SAN FRANCISCO
FOR HER ATTEMPT ON THE LIFE OF

SERVING TIME IN SAN FRANCISCO
FOR HER ATTEMPT ON THE LIFE OF
GERALD FORD,

FOR HER ATTEMPT ON THE LIFE OF
GERALD FORD,
LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS

GERALD FORD,
LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS
CHARGED THIS WEEK FOR ATTACKING

LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS
CHARGED THIS WEEK FOR ATTACKING
A FELLOW PRISONER WITH A HAMMER.

CHARGED THIS WEEK FOR ATTACKING
A FELLOW PRISONER WITH A HAMMER.
ASKED WHY SHE POSSESSED SUCH A

A FELLOW PRISONER WITH A HAMMER.
ASKED WHY SHE POSSESSED SUCH A
WEAPON, AUTHORITIES SAID THAT

ASKED WHY SHE POSSESSED SUCH A
WEAPON, AUTHORITIES SAID THAT
SQUEAKY WORKS IN THE PRISON

WEAPON, AUTHORITIES SAID THAT
SQUEAKY WORKS IN THE PRISON
GARDEN WHERE HER JOB IS TO

SQUEAKY WORKS IN THE PRISON
GARDEN WHERE HER JOB IS TO
ASSASSINATE WEEDS.

GARDEN WHERE HER JOB IS TO
ASSASSINATE WEEDS.
INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI,

ASSASSINATE WEEDS.
INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI,
HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS HELD A MOCK

INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI,
HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS HELD A MOCK
TRIAL THIS WEEK AND FOUND

HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS HELD A MOCK
TRIAL THIS WEEK AND FOUND
LATE PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN NOT

TRIAL THIS WEEK AND FOUND
LATE PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN NOT
GUILTY OF WAR CRIMES AND

LATE PRESIDENT HARRY TRUMAN NOT
GUILTY OF WAR CRIMES AND
DROPPING THE ATOMIC BOMB ON

GUILTY OF WAR CRIMES AND
DROPPING THE ATOMIC BOMB ON
JAPAN.

DROPPING THE ATOMIC BOMB ON
JAPAN.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM JAPAN,

JAPAN.
IN A RELATED STORY FROM JAPAN,
HIROSHIMA HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS

IN A RELATED STORY FROM JAPAN,
HIROSHIMA HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS
ALSO HELD A TRIAL, ALSO FOUND

HIROSHIMA HIGH-SCHOOL STUDENTS
ALSO HELD A TRIAL, ALSO FOUND
MR. TRUMAN NOT GUILTY, AND, JUST

ALSO HELD A TRIAL, ALSO FOUND
MR. TRUMAN NOT GUILTY, AND, JUST
FOR FUN, FIRED OFF A NUCLEAR

MR. TRUMAN NOT GUILTY, AND, JUST
FOR FUN, FIRED OFF A NUCLEAR
MISSILE THAT COMPLETELY WIPED

FOR FUN, FIRED OFF A NUCLEAR
MISSILE THAT COMPLETELY WIPED
OUT INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI.

MISSILE THAT COMPLETELY WIPED
OUT INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI.
I'M STATION MANAGER

OUT INDEPENDENCE, MISSOURI.
I'M STATION MANAGER
DAN AYKROYD.

I'M STATION MANAGER
DAN AYKROYD.
DURING THE PAST FEW

DAN AYKROYD.
DURING THE PAST FEW
WEEKS IN LOS ANGELES, ACTOR

DURING THE PAST FEW
WEEKS IN LOS ANGELES, ACTOR
LEE MARVIN AND HIS FORMER

WEEKS IN LOS ANGELES, ACTOR
LEE MARVIN AND HIS FORMER
LIVE-IN COMPANION,

LEE MARVIN AND HIS FORMER
LIVE-IN COMPANION,
MICHELLE TRIOLA MARVIN, HAVE

LIVE-IN COMPANION,
MICHELLE TRIOLA MARVIN, HAVE
BEEN IN COURT TO SETTLE HER

MICHELLE TRIOLA MARVIN, HAVE
BEEN IN COURT TO SETTLE HER
CLAIM THAT HE OWES HER HALF HIS

BEEN IN COURT TO SETTLE HER
CLAIM THAT HE OWES HER HALF HIS
INCOME FROM THE SIX YEARS THEY

CLAIM THAT HE OWES HER HALF HIS
INCOME FROM THE SIX YEARS THEY
LIVED TOGETHER.

INCOME FROM THE SIX YEARS THEY
LIVED TOGETHER.
THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S

LIVED TOGETHER.
THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S
"POINT/COUNTERPOINT."

THAT IS THE SUBJECT OF TONIGHT'S
"POINT/COUNTERPOINT."
JANE WILL TAKE THE

"POINT/COUNTERPOINT."
JANE WILL TAKE THE
PRO-MICHELLE MARVIN POINT, WHILE

JANE WILL TAKE THE
PRO-MICHELLE MARVIN POINT, WHILE
I TAKE THE ANTI-MICHELLE TRIOLA

PRO-MICHELLE MARVIN POINT, WHILE
I TAKE THE ANTI-MICHELLE TRIOLA
COUNTERPOINT.

I TAKE THE ANTI-MICHELLE TRIOLA
COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?

COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?
DAN, TIMES CHANGE, AND SO

JANE?
DAN, TIMES CHANGE, AND SO
DOES THE NATURE OF

DAN, TIMES CHANGE, AND SO
DOES THE NATURE OF
RELATIONSHIPS.

DOES THE NATURE OF
RELATIONSHIPS.
PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET

RELATIONSHIPS.
PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET
MARRIED THESE DAYS, AND LOOKING

PEOPLE ARE RELUCTANT TO GET
MARRIED THESE DAYS, AND LOOKING
AT DIVORCE STATISTICS, WHO CAN

MARRIED THESE DAYS, AND LOOKING
AT DIVORCE STATISTICS, WHO CAN
BLAME THEM?

AT DIVORCE STATISTICS, WHO CAN
BLAME THEM?
BUT THE LACK OF A PIECE OF PAPER

BLAME THEM?
BUT THE LACK OF A PIECE OF PAPER
DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THE

BUT THE LACK OF A PIECE OF PAPER
DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THE
LACK OF A TOTAL COMMITMENT.

DOES NOT NECESSARILY MEAN THE
LACK OF A TOTAL COMMITMENT.
A WOMAN IS THIS MODERN-DAY

LACK OF A TOTAL COMMITMENT.
A WOMAN IS THIS MODERN-DAY
RELATIONSHIP MAY WELL GIVE UP

A WOMAN IS THIS MODERN-DAY
RELATIONSHIP MAY WELL GIVE UP
ALL HER OWN PERSONAL PURSUITS,

RELATIONSHIP MAY WELL GIVE UP
ALL HER OWN PERSONAL PURSUITS,
AS MICHELLE MARVIN CLAIMS SHE

ALL HER OWN PERSONAL PURSUITS,
AS MICHELLE MARVIN CLAIMS SHE
DID, TO GIVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO

AS MICHELLE MARVIN CLAIMS SHE
DID, TO GIVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO
HER MAN'S CAREER.

DID, TO GIVE HER FULL SUPPORT TO
HER MAN'S CAREER.
AND MICHELLE MARVIN IS JUST

HER MAN'S CAREER.
AND MICHELLE MARVIN IS JUST
ASKING THAT THE COURTS RECOGNIZE

AND MICHELLE MARVIN IS JUST
ASKING THAT THE COURTS RECOGNIZE
THAT REALITY.

ASKING THAT THE COURTS RECOGNIZE
THAT REALITY.
DAN, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING...

THAT REALITY.
DAN, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING...
"BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN

DAN, THERE'S AN OLD SAYING...
"BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN
THERE'S A WOMAN," A LOVING,

"BEHIND EVERY SUCCESSFUL MAN
THERE'S A WOMAN," A LOVING,
GIVING, CARING WOMAN.

THERE'S A WOMAN," A LOVING,
GIVING, CARING WOMAN.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT

GIVING, CARING WOMAN.
BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT, DAN, BECAUSE THERE'S NO

BUT YOU WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT
THAT, DAN, BECAUSE THERE'S NO
OLD SAYING ABOUT WHAT'S BEHIND A

THAT, DAN, BECAUSE THERE'S NO
OLD SAYING ABOUT WHAT'S BEHIND A
MISERABLE FAILURE.

OLD SAYING ABOUT WHAT'S BEHIND A
MISERABLE FAILURE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

MISERABLE FAILURE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
[LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
[LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BAGGED-OUT, DRIED-UP SLUNK MEAT

[LOUD LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
BAGGED-OUT, DRIED-UP SLUNK MEAT
LIKE YOU AND MICHELLE TRIOLA

BAGGED-OUT, DRIED-UP SLUNK MEAT
LIKE YOU AND MICHELLE TRIOLA
KNOW THE RULES.

LIKE YOU AND MICHELLE TRIOLA
KNOW THE RULES.
IF YOU WANT A CONTRACT, SIGN ON

KNOW THE RULES.
IF YOU WANT A CONTRACT, SIGN ON
THE DOTTED LINE.

IF YOU WANT A CONTRACT, SIGN ON
THE DOTTED LINE.
OH, BUT LET'S ALL SHED A TEAR

THE DOTTED LINE.
OH, BUT LET'S ALL SHED A TEAR
FOR POOR MICHELLE TRIOLA.

OH, BUT LET'S ALL SHED A TEAR
FOR POOR MICHELLE TRIOLA.
THERE WAS ONLY TESTIMONY THAT

FOR POOR MICHELLE TRIOLA.
THERE WAS ONLY TESTIMONY THAT
SHE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE OVER

THERE WAS ONLY TESTIMONY THAT
SHE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE OVER
40 TIMES WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE

SHE HAD SEXUAL INTERCOURSE OVER
40 TIMES WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE
LIVING WITH ACTOR LEE MARVIN,

40 TIMES WITH ANOTHER MAN WHILE
LIVING WITH ACTOR LEE MARVIN,
BUT I SUPPOSE THAT SORT OF

LIVING WITH ACTOR LEE MARVIN,
BUT I SUPPOSE THAT SORT OF
FASHIONABLE PROMISCUITY MEANS

BUT I SUPPOSE THAT SORT OF
FASHIONABLE PROMISCUITY MEANS
NOTHING TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU,

FASHIONABLE PROMISCUITY MEANS
NOTHING TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
JANE, WHO HOPS FROM BED TO BED

NOTHING TO SOMEONE LIKE YOU,
JANE, WHO HOPS FROM BED TO BED
WITH THE FREQUENCY OF A CHEAP

JANE, WHO HOPS FROM BED TO BED
WITH THE FREQUENCY OF A CHEAP
HAM RADIO.

WITH THE FREQUENCY OF A CHEAP
HAM RADIO.
BUT HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A

HAM RADIO.
BUT HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A
WOMAN SCORNED, AND

BUT HELL HATH NO FURY LIKE A
WOMAN SCORNED, AND
MICHELLE TRIOLA, LIKE A

WOMAN SCORNED, AND
MICHELLE TRIOLA, LIKE A
SCREECHING, SQUEALING RAPACIOUS

MICHELLE TRIOLA, LIKE A
SCREECHING, SQUEALING RAPACIOUS
SWAMP SOW, IS AFTER ACTOR

SCREECHING, SQUEALING RAPACIOUS
SWAMP SOW, IS AFTER ACTOR
LEE MARVIN'S LAST $3 MILLION.

SWAMP SOW, IS AFTER ACTOR
LEE MARVIN'S LAST $3 MILLION.
I GUESS WHAT YOU AND MICHELLE

LEE MARVIN'S LAST $3 MILLION.
I GUESS WHAT YOU AND MICHELLE
ARE SAYING IS THAT WHEN YOU'RE

I GUESS WHAT YOU AND MICHELLE
ARE SAYING IS THAT WHEN YOU'RE
ON YOUR BACKS, THE METER IS

ARE SAYING IS THAT WHEN YOU'RE
ON YOUR BACKS, THE METER IS
RUNNING.

ON YOUR BACKS, THE METER IS
RUNNING.
WELL, PLEASE SPARE US, GALS, AND

RUNNING.
WELL, PLEASE SPARE US, GALS, AND
TELL US THE RATES AT THE TOP.

WELL, PLEASE SPARE US, GALS, AND
TELL US THE RATES AT THE TOP.
THEN WE CAN CHOOSE WHICH TWO-BIT

TELL US THE RATES AT THE TOP.
THEN WE CAN CHOOSE WHICH TWO-BIT
TARTS AND BARGAIN-BASEMENT SLUTS

THEN WE CAN CHOOSE WHICH TWO-BIT
TARTS AND BARGAIN-BASEMENT SLUTS
TO SHACK UP WITH.

TARTS AND BARGAIN-BASEMENT SLUTS
TO SHACK UP WITH.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

TO SHACK UP WITH.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

HONEY?
HONEY, DO YOU WANT TO MIX THE
PUNCH?

HONEY, DO YOU WANT TO MIX THE
PUNCH?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

PUNCH?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
FOUR PARTS VODKA TO ONE MIX,

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.
FOUR PARTS VODKA TO ONE MIX,
OR...

FOUR PARTS VODKA TO ONE MIX,
OR...
EH.

OR...
EH.
IT'S FOUR PARTS TO ONE.

EH.
IT'S FOUR PARTS TO ONE.
CAN YOU DO IT, SWEETHEART?

IT'S FOUR PARTS TO ONE.
CAN YOU DO IT, SWEETHEART?
I'M PUTTING THE NACHOS IN THE

CAN YOU DO IT, SWEETHEART?
I'M PUTTING THE NACHOS IN THE
OVEN.

I'M PUTTING THE NACHOS IN THE
OVEN.
OKAY.

OVEN.
OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I SURE HOPE THE PEOPLE

OKAY.
YOU KNOW, I SURE HOPE THE PEOPLE
MIX BETTER THAN THEY DID AT MY

YOU KNOW, I SURE HOPE THE PEOPLE
MIX BETTER THAN THEY DID AT MY
BIRTHDAY PARTY.

MIX BETTER THAN THEY DID AT MY
BIRTHDAY PARTY.
I MEAN, YOUR FRIENDS CLUMPED ON

BIRTHDAY PARTY.
I MEAN, YOUR FRIENDS CLUMPED ON
ONE SIDE, AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS

I MEAN, YOUR FRIENDS CLUMPED ON
ONE SIDE, AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS
WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE.

ONE SIDE, AND ALL OF MY FRIENDS
WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

WERE ON THE OTHER SIDE.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO CAN THAT BE?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO CAN THAT BE?
THEY'RE 10 MINUTES EARLY.

WHO CAN THAT BE?
THEY'RE 10 MINUTES EARLY.
I'LL GET IT.

THEY'RE 10 MINUTES EARLY.
I'LL GET IT.
HEY, IF IT ISN'T THE FASTEST

I'LL GET IT.
HEY, IF IT ISN'T THE FASTEST
MAN ALIVE!

HEY, IF IT ISN'T THE FASTEST
MAN ALIVE!
FLASH, HOW YOU DOING?

MAN ALIVE!
FLASH, HOW YOU DOING?
HOW ARE YOU?

FLASH, HOW YOU DOING?
HOW ARE YOU?
HI, BEVERLY.

HOW ARE YOU?
HI, BEVERLY.
UH, SUPERMAN, LOIS, MY FRIEND

HI, BEVERLY.
UH, SUPERMAN, LOIS, MY FRIEND
BEVERLY.

UH, SUPERMAN, LOIS, MY FRIEND
BEVERLY.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?

BEVERLY.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
OH, LOOK AT YOUR RING!

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
OH, LOOK AT YOUR RING!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND!

OH, LOOK AT YOUR RING!
WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND!
OH, THANKS.

WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DIAMOND!
OH, THANKS.
HUBBY HERE MADE IT OUT OF A BAG

OH, THANKS.
HUBBY HERE MADE IT OUT OF A BAG
OF EASY-LIGHT CHARCOAL

HUBBY HERE MADE IT OUT OF A BAG
OF EASY-LIGHT CHARCOAL
BRIQUETTES FOR ME.

OF EASY-LIGHT CHARCOAL
BRIQUETTES FOR ME.
HE'S A REAL HANDYMAN AROUND

BRIQUETTES FOR ME.
HE'S A REAL HANDYMAN AROUND
THE HOUSE, HUH?

HE'S A REAL HANDYMAN AROUND
THE HOUSE, HUH?
YOU PROBABLY WON'T NEED ONE OF

THE HOUSE, HUH?
YOU PROBABLY WON'T NEED ONE OF
THESE.

YOU PROBABLY WON'T NEED ONE OF
THESE.
OH, A CORKSCREW.

THESE.
OH, A CORKSCREW.
THANK YOU.

OH, A CORKSCREW.
THANK YOU.
UH, WOULD YOU LET ME OPEN IT

THANK YOU.
UH, WOULD YOU LET ME OPEN IT
FIRST?

UH, WOULD YOU LET ME OPEN IT
FIRST?
I MEAN, THERE ARE SOME OF US WHO

FIRST?
I MEAN, THERE ARE SOME OF US WHO
DON'T HAVE X-RAY VISION AND

I MEAN, THERE ARE SOME OF US WHO
DON'T HAVE X-RAY VISION AND
WOULD LIKE TO BE SURPRISED.

DON'T HAVE X-RAY VISION AND
WOULD LIKE TO BE SURPRISED.
I'M SORRY.

WOULD LIKE TO BE SURPRISED.
I'M SORRY.
OH, A CORKSCREW!

I'M SORRY.
OH, A CORKSCREW!
A CORKSCREW!

OH, A CORKSCREW!
A CORKSCREW!
OH, THANK YOU.

A CORKSCREW!
OH, THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.
OH, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE ONE THING

OH, THANK YOU.
YOU KNOW, IT'S THE ONE THING
I COULD REALLY USE AROUND THE

YOU KNOW, IT'S THE ONE THING
I COULD REALLY USE AROUND THE
HOUSE.

I COULD REALLY USE AROUND THE
HOUSE.
LATELY, I'VE BEEN SUCKING THE

HOUSE.
LATELY, I'VE BEEN SUCKING THE
CORK OUT, AND I END UP DRINKING

LATELY, I'VE BEEN SUCKING THE
CORK OUT, AND I END UP DRINKING
THE WHOLE BOTTLE.

CORK OUT, AND I END UP DRINKING
THE WHOLE BOTTLE.
THANK YOU.

THE WHOLE BOTTLE.
THANK YOU.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.

THANK YOU.
YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.
IT'S OKAY.

YOU REALLY SHOULDN'T HAVE.
IT'S OKAY.
FLASH, BEVERLY?

IT'S OKAY.
FLASH, BEVERLY?
WANT SOME PUNCH?

FLASH, BEVERLY?
WANT SOME PUNCH?
OH, GREAT.

WANT SOME PUNCH?
OH, GREAT.
WELL, THANKS, I JUST HAD SOME

OH, GREAT.
WELL, THANKS, I JUST HAD SOME
THERE WHILE YOU ASKED ME, WHEN

WELL, THANKS, I JUST HAD SOME
THERE WHILE YOU ASKED ME, WHEN
YOU BLINKED YOUR EYE.

THERE WHILE YOU ASKED ME, WHEN
YOU BLINKED YOUR EYE.
YOU WANT SOME MORE?

YOU BLINKED YOUR EYE.
YOU WANT SOME MORE?
I JUST HAD SOME THERE WHEN

YOU WANT SOME MORE?
I JUST HAD SOME THERE WHEN
YOU JUST ASKED ME THE SECOND

I JUST HAD SOME THERE WHEN
YOU JUST ASKED ME THE SECOND
TIME.

YOU JUST ASKED ME THE SECOND
TIME.
HONEY, YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN.

TIME.
HONEY, YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN.
OH, YOU KNOW ME.

HONEY, YOU BETTER SLOW DOWN.
OH, YOU KNOW ME.
[CHUCKLES]

OH, YOU KNOW ME.
[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.
THANKS A LOT.

THANK YOU.
THANKS A LOT.
OH, GREAT.

THANKS A LOT.
OH, GREAT.
IT LOOKS GREAT.

OH, GREAT.
IT LOOKS GREAT.
BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT.

IT LOOKS GREAT.
BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT.
LANA LANG IS HERE, LOIS.

BEAUTIFUL APARTMENT.
LANA LANG IS HERE, LOIS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

LANA LANG IS HERE, LOIS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
YOU AND THAT CRAZY X-RAY

I'LL GET IT, HONEY.
YOU AND THAT CRAZY X-RAY
VISION.

YOU AND THAT CRAZY X-RAY
VISION.
[LAUGHS]

VISION.
[LAUGHS]
HI, LANA.

[LAUGHS]
HI, LANA.
HI, LOIS.

HI, LANA.
HI, LOIS.
HOW'S THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE

HI, LOIS.
HOW'S THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE
WORLD?

HOW'S THE LUCKIEST GIRL IN THE
WORLD?
OH, JUST FINE.

WORLD?
OH, JUST FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THE PARTY

OH, JUST FINE.
WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THE PARTY
AND TRY AND HAVE SOME FUN?

WHY DON'T YOU JOIN THE PARTY
AND TRY AND HAVE SOME FUN?
HI, LANA.

AND TRY AND HAVE SOME FUN?
HI, LANA.
HAVE YOU MET MY FRIENDS, THE

HI, LANA.
HAVE YOU MET MY FRIENDS, THE
FLASH AND BEVERLY?

HAVE YOU MET MY FRIENDS, THE
FLASH AND BEVERLY?
[CHUCKLES]

FLASH AND BEVERLY?
[CHUCKLES]
NICE TO MEET YOU, NICE TO MEET

[CHUCKLES]
NICE TO MEET YOU, NICE TO MEET
YOU.

NICE TO MEET YOU, NICE TO MEET
YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, SUPERMAN, I

YOU.
OH, BY THE WAY, SUPERMAN, I
JUST READ THAT PROFILE OF YOU BY

OH, BY THE WAY, SUPERMAN, I
JUST READ THAT PROFILE OF YOU BY
CLARK KENT FOR THE DAILY PLANET.

JUST READ THAT PROFILE OF YOU BY
CLARK KENT FOR THE DAILY PLANET.
BOY, DOES CLARK KENT LOVE YOU.

CLARK KENT FOR THE DAILY PLANET.
BOY, DOES CLARK KENT LOVE YOU.
[CHUCKLES]

BOY, DOES CLARK KENT LOVE YOU.
[CHUCKLES]
SAY, FLASH, I GOT A NEW

[CHUCKLES]
SAY, FLASH, I GOT A NEW
PING-PONG TABLE IN THE REC ROOM.

SAY, FLASH, I GOT A NEW
PING-PONG TABLE IN THE REC ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE YOU ON?

PING-PONG TABLE IN THE REC ROOM.
WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE YOU ON?
OKAY, BUT NO BETTING.

WHAT DO YOU SAY I TAKE YOU ON?
OKAY, BUT NO BETTING.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE

OKAY, BUT NO BETTING.
YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE
BET.

YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS WHEN WE
BET.
[LAUGHS]

BET.
[LAUGHS]
LET'S DO IT.

[LAUGHS]
LET'S DO IT.
SEE YOU LATER, BEV.

LET'S DO IT.
SEE YOU LATER, BEV.
BYE.

SEE YOU LATER, BEV.
BYE.
WELL, LOIS, MARRIED LIFE

BYE.
WELL, LOIS, MARRIED LIFE
SEEMS TO BE AGREEING WITH YOU.

WELL, LOIS, MARRIED LIFE
SEEMS TO BE AGREEING WITH YOU.
WELL, YES, BUT, YOU KNOW,

SEEMS TO BE AGREEING WITH YOU.
WELL, YES, BUT, YOU KNOW,
LIVING WITH A SUPERHERO DOES

WELL, YES, BUT, YOU KNOW,
LIVING WITH A SUPERHERO DOES
HAVE ITS PROBLEMS.

LIVING WITH A SUPERHERO DOES
HAVE ITS PROBLEMS.
I'LL SAY.

HAVE ITS PROBLEMS.
I'LL SAY.
MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THE

I'LL SAY.
MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THE
FLASH IS THAT I JUST CANNOT GET

MY BIGGEST PROBLEM WITH THE
FLASH IS THAT I JUST CANNOT GET
HIM TO RELAX, AND HE HAS TROUBLE

FLASH IS THAT I JUST CANNOT GET
HIM TO RELAX, AND HE HAS TROUBLE
SLEEPING.

HIM TO RELAX, AND HE HAS TROUBLE
SLEEPING.
WELL, THERE'S STILL A LOT I

SLEEPING.
WELL, THERE'S STILL A LOT I
DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUPERMAN.

WELL, THERE'S STILL A LOT I
DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUPERMAN.
I MEAN, HE STILL WON'T TELL ME

DON'T KNOW ABOUT SUPERMAN.
I MEAN, HE STILL WON'T TELL ME
HIS SECRET IDENTITY.

I MEAN, HE STILL WON'T TELL ME
HIS SECRET IDENTITY.
WELL, IF HE WON'T TELL YOU

HIS SECRET IDENTITY.
WELL, IF HE WON'T TELL YOU
HIS SECRET IDENTITY, MAYBE

WELL, IF HE WON'T TELL YOU
HIS SECRET IDENTITY, MAYBE
THERE ARE SOME OTHER THINGS THAT

HIS SECRET IDENTITY, MAYBE
THERE ARE SOME OTHER THINGS THAT
HE'S NOT TELLING YOU.

THERE ARE SOME OTHER THINGS THAT
HE'S NOT TELLING YOU.
HA, HA, HA.

HE'S NOT TELLING YOU.
HA, HA, HA.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HA, HA, HA.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WAIT, I'LL GET IT.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, WAIT, I'LL GET IT.
HANG ON, GIRLS. BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, WAIT, I'LL GET IT.
HANG ON, GIRLS. BE RIGHT BACK.
HULK!

HANG ON, GIRLS. BE RIGHT BACK.
HULK!
COME ON IN!

HULK!
COME ON IN!
YOU CRAZY NUT!

COME ON IN!
YOU CRAZY NUT!
HOW ARE YOU?

YOU CRAZY NUT!
HOW ARE YOU?
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY.

HOW ARE YOU?
HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
HOW WAS THE PARADE?

HAPPY ST. PATRICK'S DAY.
HOW WAS THE PARADE?
WERE YOU THE GRAND MARSHAL

HOW WAS THE PARADE?
WERE YOU THE GRAND MARSHAL
AGAIN?

WERE YOU THE GRAND MARSHAL
AGAIN?
NO, IT WAS THE

AGAIN?
NO, IT WAS THE
GREEN LANTERN'S TURN THIS YEAR.

NO, IT WAS THE
GREEN LANTERN'S TURN THIS YEAR.
WE ROTATE.

GREEN LANTERN'S TURN THIS YEAR.
WE ROTATE.
OH, YEAH.

WE ROTATE.
OH, YEAH.
COOKIE!

OH, YEAH.
COOKIE!
COOKIE HULK, WHAT HAPPENED TO

COOKIE!
COOKIE HULK, WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOU?

COOKIE HULK, WHAT HAPPENED TO
YOU?
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?

YOU?
WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
I SWEAR, FIRST THING MONDAY

WHAT DO YOU THINK HAPPENED?
I SWEAR, FIRST THING MONDAY
MORNING... TWIN BEDS.

I SWEAR, FIRST THING MONDAY
MORNING... TWIN BEDS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.

MORNING... TWIN BEDS.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
OH, WE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.

OH, ALL RIGHT.
OH, WE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.
WHAT?

OH, WE GOT A PRESENT FOR YOU.
WHAT?
KRYPTONITE!

WHAT?
KRYPTONITE!
[LAUGHS]

KRYPTONITE!
[LAUGHS]
JUST KIDDING.

[LAUGHS]
JUST KIDDING.
IT'S ALMOND BAR.

JUST KIDDING.
IT'S ALMOND BAR.
IT'S ALMOND BARK?

IT'S ALMOND BAR.
IT'S ALMOND BARK?
YEAH, ALMOND BARK.

IT'S ALMOND BARK?
YEAH, ALMOND BARK.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YEAH, ALMOND BARK.
OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, WHERE'S THAT INVINCIBLE

OH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, WHERE'S THAT INVINCIBLE
HUSBAND OF YOURS, ANYWAY?

HEY, WHERE'S THAT INVINCIBLE
HUSBAND OF YOURS, ANYWAY?
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY!

HUSBAND OF YOURS, ANYWAY?
OH, HEY, HEY, HEY!
SUPERMAN, HOW'S IT GOING?

OH, HEY, HEY, HEY!
SUPERMAN, HOW'S IT GOING?
OOH, OOH, OOH!

SUPERMAN, HOW'S IT GOING?
OOH, OOH, OOH!
LET GO, LET GO, LET GO!

OOH, OOH, OOH!
LET GO, LET GO, LET GO!
[LAUGHS]

LET GO, LET GO, LET GO!
[LAUGHS]
HEY, FLASH!

[LAUGHS]
HEY, FLASH!
HOW YOU DOING?

HEY, FLASH!
HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU TWO JOKERS DOING

HOW YOU DOING?
WHAT ARE YOU TWO JOKERS DOING
AROUND HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU TWO JOKERS DOING
AROUND HERE?
[LAUGHTER]

AROUND HERE?
[LAUGHTER]
HOW ARE THE COOKIES?

[LAUGHTER]
HOW ARE THE COOKIES?
EATING THEM ALL UP YET?

HOW ARE THE COOKIES?
EATING THEM ALL UP YET?
YOU KNOW, I'M SURPRISED

EATING THEM ALL UP YET?
YOU KNOW, I'M SURPRISED
CLARK KENT ISN'T HERE.

YOU KNOW, I'M SURPRISED
CLARK KENT ISN'T HERE.
I HOPE HE COMES.

CLARK KENT ISN'T HERE.
I HOPE HE COMES.
I INVITED HIM.

I HOPE HE COMES.
I INVITED HIM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

I INVITED HIM.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHAT?

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHAT?
ABOUT CLARK.

WHAT?
ABOUT CLARK.
WHAT?

ABOUT CLARK.
WHAT?
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW YOU

WHAT?
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW YOU
NEVER SEE CLARK AND THE FLASH

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW YOU
NEVER SEE CLARK AND THE FLASH
TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME?

NEVER SEE CLARK AND THE FLASH
TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME?
HMM.

TOGETHER AT THE SAME TIME?
HMM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HMM.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT, LOIS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
I'LL GET IT, LOIS.
OH, SUE STORM, THE INVISIBLE

I'LL GET IT, LOIS.
OH, SUE STORM, THE INVISIBLE
GIRL!

OH, SUE STORM, THE INVISIBLE
GIRL!
[Laughing] COME ON RIGHT IN!

GIRL!
[Laughing] COME ON RIGHT IN!
HEY, SPIDER-MAN!

[Laughing] COME ON RIGHT IN!
HEY, SPIDER-MAN!
ALL RIGHT!

HEY, SPIDER-MAN!
ALL RIGHT!
SPIDER-WOMAN!

ALL RIGHT!
SPIDER-WOMAN!
HOW ARE YOU?

SPIDER-WOMAN!
HOW ARE YOU?
AAH, THE THING!

HOW ARE YOU?
AAH, THE THING!
[LAUGHS]

AAH, THE THING!
[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT, COME ON IN, JOIN THE

[LAUGHS]
ALL RIGHT, COME ON IN, JOIN THE
PARTY.

ALL RIGHT, COME ON IN, JOIN THE
PARTY.
UH... EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT SURE IF

PARTY.
UH... EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT SURE IF
I REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

UH... EXCUSE ME, I'M NOT SURE IF
I REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
I'M REALLY BAD WITH NAMES, YOU

I REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
I'M REALLY BAD WITH NAMES, YOU
KNOW?

I'M REALLY BAD WITH NAMES, YOU
KNOW?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?

KNOW?
YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?
WE MET SEVERAL TIMES.

YOU DON'T REMEMBER ME?
WE MET SEVERAL TIMES.
IT'S ANT-MAN.

WE MET SEVERAL TIMES.
IT'S ANT-MAN.
A-N-T M-A-N.

IT'S ANT-MAN.
A-N-T M-A-N.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.

A-N-T M-A-N.
OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
ANT-MAN?

OH, RIGHT, RIGHT.
ANT-MAN?
WHAT ARE YOUR SUPERPOWERS AGAIN?

ANT-MAN?
WHAT ARE YOUR SUPERPOWERS AGAIN?
YOU TALK TO THE ANTS, IS THAT

WHAT ARE YOUR SUPERPOWERS AGAIN?
YOU TALK TO THE ANTS, IS THAT
IT?

YOU TALK TO THE ANTS, IS THAT
IT?
WELL, PARTLY, BUT MAINLY I

IT?
WELL, PARTLY, BUT MAINLY I
SHRINK MYSELF DOWN TO THE SIZE

WELL, PARTLY, BUT MAINLY I
SHRINK MYSELF DOWN TO THE SIZE
OF AN ANT WHILE RETAINING MY

SHRINK MYSELF DOWN TO THE SIZE
OF AN ANT WHILE RETAINING MY
FULL HUMAN STRENGTH.

OF AN ANT WHILE RETAINING MY
FULL HUMAN STRENGTH.
[Sarcastically] REALLY?

FULL HUMAN STRENGTH.
[Sarcastically] REALLY?
OH, THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.

[Sarcastically] REALLY?
OH, THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
SIZE OF AN ANT WITH HUMAN

OH, THAT'S REALLY IMPRESSIVE.
SIZE OF AN ANT WITH HUMAN
STRENGTH.

SIZE OF AN ANT WITH HUMAN
STRENGTH.
MUST BE ABLE TO CLEAN HOUSE ON

STRENGTH.
MUST BE ABLE TO CLEAN HOUSE ON
THOSE OTHER ANTS.

MUST BE ABLE TO CLEAN HOUSE ON
THOSE OTHER ANTS.
HEY, HEY, HULK?

THOSE OTHER ANTS.
HEY, HEY, HULK?
CHECK THIS GUY OUT.

HEY, HEY, HULK?
CHECK THIS GUY OUT.
OOH!

CHECK THIS GUY OUT.
OOH!
GOT THE STRENGTH OF A HUMAN!

OOH!
GOT THE STRENGTH OF A HUMAN!
[LAUGHS]

GOT THE STRENGTH OF A HUMAN!
[LAUGHS]
ANT-MAN, HUH?

[LAUGHS]
ANT-MAN, HUH?
WHERE ARE YOUR ANTS?

ANT-MAN, HUH?
WHERE ARE YOUR ANTS?
[LAUGHS]

WHERE ARE YOUR ANTS?
[LAUGHS]
THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE ANT

[LAUGHS]
THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE ANT
FARM.

THEY'RE AT HOME IN THE ANT
FARM.
[LAUGHS]

FARM.
[LAUGHS]
OH, BETTER STAY OUT OF THIS

[LAUGHS]
OH, BETTER STAY OUT OF THIS
GUY'S WAY.

OH, BETTER STAY OUT OF THIS
GUY'S WAY.
OH, EVERY MOLECULE'S

GUY'S WAY.
OH, EVERY MOLECULE'S
QUIVERING NOW, OH!

OH, EVERY MOLECULE'S
QUIVERING NOW, OH!
I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO FUNNY.

QUIVERING NOW, OH!
I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO FUNNY.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH

I DON'T SEE WHAT'S SO FUNNY.
IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
BEING ANT-MAN?

IS THERE SOMETHING WRONG WITH
BEING ANT-MAN?
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE JOKE?

BEING ANT-MAN?
I MEAN, WHAT'S THE JOKE?
OH, GREAT.

I MEAN, WHAT'S THE JOKE?
OH, GREAT.
GREAT, ANT-MAN.

OH, GREAT.
GREAT, ANT-MAN.
OH, EXCUSE ME.

GREAT, ANT-MAN.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
UGH.

OH, EXCUSE ME.
UGH.
HEY, LOIS, WHERE'S THE CAN?

UGH.
HEY, LOIS, WHERE'S THE CAN?
IS IT AROUND HERE?

HEY, LOIS, WHERE'S THE CAN?
IS IT AROUND HERE?
RIGHT OVER THERE.

IS IT AROUND HERE?
RIGHT OVER THERE.
OVER THERE, HUH?

RIGHT OVER THERE.
OVER THERE, HUH?
[WHISTLING]

OVER THERE, HUH?
[WHISTLING]
BOY, UM...

[WHISTLING]
BOY, UM...
[WOMAN SCREAMS]

BOY, UM...
[WOMAN SCREAMS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GEEZ!

[WOMAN SCREAMS]
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GEEZ!
SORRY!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GEEZ!
SORRY!
I'M SORRY!

SORRY!
I'M SORRY!
SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING

I'M SORRY!
SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING
THERE ON THE POT THERE.

SORRY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU SITTING
THERE ON THE POT THERE.
GEE!

THERE ON THE POT THERE.
GEE!
IF THE INVISIBLE GIRL IS GONNA

GEE!
IF THE INVISIBLE GIRL IS GONNA
GO TO THE BATHROOM, SHE SHOULD

IF THE INVISIBLE GIRL IS GONNA
GO TO THE BATHROOM, SHE SHOULD
LOCK THE DOOR!

GO TO THE BATHROOM, SHE SHOULD
LOCK THE DOOR!
I WONDER WHERE CLARK KENT IS.

LOCK THE DOOR!
I WONDER WHERE CLARK KENT IS.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT CLARK.

I WONDER WHERE CLARK KENT IS.
OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT CLARK.
I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL SHOW UP

OH, DON'T WORRY ABOUT CLARK.
I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL SHOW UP
SOMETIME TONIGHT.

I HAVE A FEELING HE'LL SHOW UP
SOMETIME TONIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE I COULD CALL HIM

SOMETIME TONIGHT.
WELL, MAYBE I COULD CALL HIM
AND ASK HIM TO BRING SOME ICE.

WELL, MAYBE I COULD CALL HIM
AND ASK HIM TO BRING SOME ICE.
WE'RE SORT OF RUNNING LOW ON

AND ASK HIM TO BRING SOME ICE.
WE'RE SORT OF RUNNING LOW ON
ICE.

WE'RE SORT OF RUNNING LOW ON
ICE.
MORE ICE?

ICE.
MORE ICE?
YEAH.

MORE ICE?
YEAH.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE, MY

YEAH.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE, MY
LOVE.

EXCUSE ME FOR A MINUTE, MY
LOVE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[WIND GUSTS]
SAY, COOKIE.
THE HULK LOOKS LIKE HE LOST SOME

SAY, COOKIE.
THE HULK LOOKS LIKE HE LOST SOME
WEIGHT.

THE HULK LOOKS LIKE HE LOST SOME
WEIGHT.
YEAH, BUT HE'S STILL WAY OUT

WEIGHT.
YEAH, BUT HE'S STILL WAY OUT
OF SHAPE.

YEAH, BUT HE'S STILL WAY OUT
OF SHAPE.
I'VE GOT TO GET HIM TO GO ON A

OF SHAPE.
I'VE GOT TO GET HIM TO GO ON A
DIET THIS SUMMER.

I'VE GOT TO GET HIM TO GO ON A
DIET THIS SUMMER.
BOY, DID YOU SEE THE LOVE

DIET THIS SUMMER.
BOY, DID YOU SEE THE LOVE
HANDLES ON THE FLASH?

BOY, DID YOU SEE THE LOVE
HANDLES ON THE FLASH?
HE STOPPED SMOKING AGAIN, AND

HANDLES ON THE FLASH?
HE STOPPED SMOKING AGAIN, AND
THEN HE STARTED SMOKING AGAIN,

HE STOPPED SMOKING AGAIN, AND
THEN HE STARTED SMOKING AGAIN,
AND NOW HE SMOKES SIX PACKS A

THEN HE STARTED SMOKING AGAIN,
AND NOW HE SMOKES SIX PACKS A
DAY.

AND NOW HE SMOKES SIX PACKS A
DAY.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL LETTING

DAY.
WELL, THEY'RE ALL LETTING
THEMSELVES GO, AND, I MEAN, YOU

WELL, THEY'RE ALL LETTING
THEMSELVES GO, AND, I MEAN, YOU
KNOW, WHO CAN BLAME THEM?

THEMSELVES GO, AND, I MEAN, YOU
KNOW, WHO CAN BLAME THEM?
I MEAN, SINCE THE JUSTICE LEAGUE

KNOW, WHO CAN BLAME THEM?
I MEAN, SINCE THE JUSTICE LEAGUE
OF AMERICA WIPED OUT ALL THE

I MEAN, SINCE THE JUSTICE LEAGUE
OF AMERICA WIPED OUT ALL THE
SUPERVILLAINS, THESE GUYS HAVE

OF AMERICA WIPED OUT ALL THE
SUPERVILLAINS, THESE GUYS HAVE
NOTHING TO DO.

SUPERVILLAINS, THESE GUYS HAVE
NOTHING TO DO.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.

NOTHING TO DO.
TELL ME ABOUT IT.
HAVE YOU SEE THE GREEN LANTERN?

TELL ME ABOUT IT.
HAVE YOU SEE THE GREEN LANTERN?
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

HAVE YOU SEE THE GREEN LANTERN?
IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
HE LOOKS LIKE ORSON WELLES.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.
HE LOOKS LIKE ORSON WELLES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

HE LOOKS LIKE ORSON WELLES.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
HI, LOIS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
HI, LOIS.
OH, HI, CLARK.

HI, LOIS.
OH, HI, CLARK.
GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE

OH, HI, CLARK.
GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE
GONNA MAKE IT.

GOD, I DIDN'T KNOW IF YOU WERE
GONNA MAKE IT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.

GONNA MAKE IT.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T STAY TOO

I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
I'M AFRAID I CAN'T STAY TOO
LONG, LOIS.

I'M AFRAID I CAN'T STAY TOO
LONG, LOIS.
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.

LONG, LOIS.
I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.
BY THE WAY, IS SUPERMAN HERE?

I GOT TO GET BACK TO THE OFFICE.
BY THE WAY, IS SUPERMAN HERE?
NO, HE FLEW OUT FOR SOME ICE.

BY THE WAY, IS SUPERMAN HERE?
NO, HE FLEW OUT FOR SOME ICE.
OH.

NO, HE FLEW OUT FOR SOME ICE.
OH.
SO, LOIS, I DON'T GET TO SEE YOU

OH.
SO, LOIS, I DON'T GET TO SEE YOU
TOO MUCH MORE NOW THAT YOU'RE

SO, LOIS, I DON'T GET TO SEE YOU
TOO MUCH MORE NOW THAT YOU'RE
MARRIED.

TOO MUCH MORE NOW THAT YOU'RE
MARRIED.
HEY, MUST BE GREAT BEING MARRIED

MARRIED.
HEY, MUST BE GREAT BEING MARRIED
TO THE MAN OF STEEL, HUH?

HEY, MUST BE GREAT BEING MARRIED
TO THE MAN OF STEEL, HUH?
[LAUGHS]

TO THE MAN OF STEEL, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
I GUESS HE MUST BE A TERRIFIC

[LAUGHS]
I GUESS HE MUST BE A TERRIFIC
HUSBAND, HUH?

I GUESS HE MUST BE A TERRIFIC
HUSBAND, HUH?
CLARK, CAN I CONFIDE IN YOU?

HUSBAND, HUH?
CLARK, CAN I CONFIDE IN YOU?
OF COURSE YOU CAN, LOIS.

CLARK, CAN I CONFIDE IN YOU?
OF COURSE YOU CAN, LOIS.
WELL, I FEEL I CAN TALK TO

OF COURSE YOU CAN, LOIS.
WELL, I FEEL I CAN TALK TO
YOU, CLARK, BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN

WELL, I FEEL I CAN TALK TO
YOU, CLARK, BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN
YOU FOR A LONG TIME, AND FROM

YOU, CLARK, BECAUSE I'VE KNOWN
YOU FOR A LONG TIME, AND FROM
YOUR ARTICLE, YOU SEEM TO HAVE

YOU FOR A LONG TIME, AND FROM
YOUR ARTICLE, YOU SEEM TO HAVE
SUCH A HIGH OPINION OF SUPERMAN,

YOUR ARTICLE, YOU SEEM TO HAVE
SUCH A HIGH OPINION OF SUPERMAN,
BUT...

SUCH A HIGH OPINION OF SUPERMAN,
BUT...
UH-HUH.

BUT...
UH-HUH.
CLARK, IT'S ABOUT SUPERMAN.

UH-HUH.
CLARK, IT'S ABOUT SUPERMAN.
I MEAN, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW

CLARK, IT'S ABOUT SUPERMAN.
I MEAN, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
INCREDIBLY DULL HE IS.

I MEAN, I CAN'T TELL YOU HOW
INCREDIBLY DULL HE IS.
I MEAN, HE'S SO KIND-HEARTED AND

INCREDIBLY DULL HE IS.
I MEAN, HE'S SO KIND-HEARTED AND
ALL THAT, BUT HE'S SO BORING,

I MEAN, HE'S SO KIND-HEARTED AND
ALL THAT, BUT HE'S SO BORING,
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M GONNA LOSE

ALL THAT, BUT HE'S SO BORING,
SOMETIMES I THINK I'M GONNA LOSE
MY MIND.

SOMETIMES I THINK I'M GONNA LOSE
MY MIND.
WOW.

MY MIND.
WOW.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT,

WOW.
I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT,
LOIS.

I'M SURPRISED TO HEAR THAT,
LOIS.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.

LOIS.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
HE'S FROM KRYPTON.

IT'S NOT HIS FAULT.
HE'S FROM KRYPTON.
I MEAN, HE'S JUST SO STRAIGHT,

HE'S FROM KRYPTON.
I MEAN, HE'S JUST SO STRAIGHT,
THOUGH.

I MEAN, HE'S JUST SO STRAIGHT,
THOUGH.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GOT MARRIED,

THOUGH.
YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GOT MARRIED,
HE WAS A VIRGIN.

YOU KNOW, WHEN WE GOT MARRIED,
HE WAS A VIRGIN.
SO WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT,

HE WAS A VIRGIN.
SO WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT,
BOTH OF YOU BEING VIRGINS?

SO WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT,
BOTH OF YOU BEING VIRGINS?
OH, COME ON, CLARK.

BOTH OF YOU BEING VIRGINS?
OH, COME ON, CLARK.
I WENT OUT WITH THE HULK FOR SIX

OH, COME ON, CLARK.
I WENT OUT WITH THE HULK FOR SIX
MONTHS.

I WENT OUT WITH THE HULK FOR SIX
MONTHS.
YOU... YOU AND THE HULK, HUH?

MONTHS.
YOU... YOU AND THE HULK, HUH?
[FORCED LAUGH]

YOU... YOU AND THE HULK, HUH?
[FORCED LAUGH]
THAT'S FUNNY.

[FORCED LAUGH]
THAT'S FUNNY.
DOES SUPERMAN KNOW THIS?

THAT'S FUNNY.
DOES SUPERMAN KNOW THIS?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

DOES SUPERMAN KNOW THIS?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT NEVER REALLY CAME UP.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
IT NEVER REALLY CAME UP.
I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BOTHER

IT NEVER REALLY CAME UP.
I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BOTHER
HIM.

I DON'T THINK IT WOULD BOTHER
HIM.
YEAH, I'M SURE IT WOULDN'T

HIM.
YEAH, I'M SURE IT WOULDN'T
MATTER TO A GUY LIKE SUPERMAN.

YEAH, I'M SURE IT WOULDN'T
MATTER TO A GUY LIKE SUPERMAN.
SO DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT

MATTER TO A GUY LIKE SUPERMAN.
SO DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT
YOU AND THE HULK?

SO DOES ANYONE ELSE KNOW ABOUT
YOU AND THE HULK?
WELL, SURE... THE FLASH AND

YOU AND THE HULK?
WELL, SURE... THE FLASH AND
SPIDER-MAN AND THE THING.

WELL, SURE... THE FLASH AND
SPIDER-MAN AND THE THING.
THE THING?

SPIDER-MAN AND THE THING.
THE THING?
I TOLD PERRY WHITE, YEAH.

THE THING?
I TOLD PERRY WHITE, YEAH.
AND CLARK, AND I TOLD...

I TOLD PERRY WHITE, YEAH.
AND CLARK, AND I TOLD...
CLARK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

AND CLARK, AND I TOLD...
CLARK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
JIMMY OLSEN, I TOLD, TOO.

CLARK, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
JIMMY OLSEN, I TOLD, TOO.
UH, YEAH.

JIMMY OLSEN, I TOLD, TOO.
UH, YEAH.
I GOT A CAB WAITING OUTSIDE.

UH, YEAH.
I GOT A CAB WAITING OUTSIDE.
I GOT TO GO.

I GOT A CAB WAITING OUTSIDE.
I GOT TO GO.
OH, I'M SORRY I LAID THIS ON

I GOT TO GO.
OH, I'M SORRY I LAID THIS ON
YOU.

OH, I'M SORRY I LAID THIS ON
YOU.
I JUST HAD TO GET IT OFF MY

YOU.
I JUST HAD TO GET IT OFF MY
CHEST.

I JUST HAD TO GET IT OFF MY
CHEST.
OH, NO, I LOVE TO LISTEN.

CHEST.
OH, NO, I LOVE TO LISTEN.
THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.

OH, NO, I LOVE TO LISTEN.
THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.
TELL SUPERMAN I STOPPED BY.

THANK YOU. APPRECIATE IT.
TELL SUPERMAN I STOPPED BY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM.

TELL SUPERMAN I STOPPED BY.
YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM.
GOOD NIGHT.

YEAH, I'LL TELL HIM.
GOOD NIGHT.
YOU CAN'T GET ART LIKE THAT.

GOOD NIGHT.
YOU CAN'T GET ART LIKE THAT.
YOU HAVE TO EITHER RENT IT OR

YOU CAN'T GET ART LIKE THAT.
YOU HAVE TO EITHER RENT IT OR
BUY IT OUTRIGHT.

YOU HAVE TO EITHER RENT IT OR
BUY IT OUTRIGHT.
HEY, HULK?

BUY IT OUTRIGHT.
HEY, HULK?
HULK, COME ON.

HEY, HULK?
HULK, COME ON.
YOU GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE STANDING

HULK, COME ON.
YOU GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE STANDING
OUT HERE IN LINE.

YOU GOT A LOT OF PEOPLE STANDING
OUT HERE IN LINE.
COME ON.

OUT HERE IN LINE.
COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TAKE IT EASY.
WHOA! WHOA!

TAKE IT EASY.
WHOA! WHOA!
[GASPING]

WHOA! WHOA!
[GASPING]
COME ON!

[GASPING]
COME ON!
DID SOMETHING DIE IN THERE?!

COME ON!
DID SOMETHING DIE IN THERE?!
TAKE IT EASY.

DID SOMETHING DIE IN THERE?!
TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE

TAKE IT EASY.
IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE
ROSES.

IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO SMELL LIKE
ROSES.
COME ON.

ROSES.
COME ON.
LOOK, UP IN THE SKY!

COME ON.
LOOK, UP IN THE SKY!
IT'S A BIRD!

LOOK, UP IN THE SKY!
IT'S A BIRD!
IT'S A PLANE!

IT'S A BIRD!
IT'S A PLANE!
IT'S... IT'S CLARK KENT!

IT'S A PLANE!
IT'S... IT'S CLARK KENT!
CLARK?

IT'S... IT'S CLARK KENT!
CLARK?
CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN!

CLARK?
CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN!
[GROANS]

CLARK KENT IS SUPERMAN!
[GROANS]
OKAY, OUT! GET OUT!

[GROANS]
OKAY, OUT! GET OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT! ALL RIGHT.

OKAY, OUT! GET OUT!
EVERYBODY OUT! ALL RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT GRUMBLING]

EVERYBODY OUT! ALL RIGHT.
[INDISTINCT GRUMBLING]
ALL RIGHT! HEY, HEY, HEY!

[INDISTINCT GRUMBLING]
ALL RIGHT! HEY, HEY, HEY!
YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, DIDN'T

ALL RIGHT! HEY, HEY, HEY!
YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, DIDN'T
YOU, FLASH?!

YOU KNEW ALL ALONG, DIDN'T
YOU, FLASH?!
I'M YOUR BUDDY, PAL!

YOU, FLASH?!
I'M YOUR BUDDY, PAL!
EVERYBODY OUT OF HERE!

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
TOM IS BACKSTAGE GETTING

GENTLEMEN.
TOM IS BACKSTAGE GETTING
DRESSED, AND BEFORE WE START THE

TOM IS BACKSTAGE GETTING
DRESSED, AND BEFORE WE START THE
SHOW TONIGHT, THERE'S SOMETHING

DRESSED, AND BEFORE WE START THE
SHOW TONIGHT, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I'D LIKE TO GET OFF MY

SHOW TONIGHT, THERE'S SOMETHING
THAT I'D LIKE TO GET OFF MY
CHEST.

THAT I'D LIKE TO GET OFF MY
CHEST.
IT'S BEEN REALLY BUGGING ME.

CHEST.
IT'S BEEN REALLY BUGGING ME.
AS YOU KNOW,

IT'S BEEN REALLY BUGGING ME.
AS YOU KNOW,
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" HAS

AS YOU KNOW,
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" HAS
ROCKETED ME TO STARDOM, AND, OF

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" HAS
ROCKETED ME TO STARDOM, AND, OF
COURSE, I'M THRILLED ABOUT IT.

ROCKETED ME TO STARDOM, AND, OF
COURSE, I'M THRILLED ABOUT IT.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW

COURSE, I'M THRILLED ABOUT IT.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW
UNSCRUPULOUS PEOPLE HAVE TRIED

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, A FEW
UNSCRUPULOUS PEOPLE HAVE TRIED
TO CAPITALIZE ON THE SUCCESS OF

UNSCRUPULOUS PEOPLE HAVE TRIED
TO CAPITALIZE ON THE SUCCESS OF
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"

TO CAPITALIZE ON THE SUCCESS OF
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
AND, WELL, SOMETHING UGLY HAS

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
AND, WELL, SOMETHING UGLY HAS
HAPPENED.

AND, WELL, SOMETHING UGLY HAS
HAPPENED.
A FEW DAYS AGO, I WAS IN THE

HAPPENED.
A FEW DAYS AGO, I WAS IN THE
SUPERMARKET IN THE DRY-CEREAL

A FEW DAYS AGO, I WAS IN THE
SUPERMARKET IN THE DRY-CEREAL
SECTION, AND I SAW THIS...

SUPERMARKET IN THE DRY-CEREAL
SECTION, AND I SAW THIS...
FRANKEN BERRY, OKAY?

SECTION, AND I SAW THIS...
FRANKEN BERRY, OKAY?
FRANKEN BERRY CEREAL.

FRANKEN BERRY, OKAY?
FRANKEN BERRY CEREAL.
THIS IS MY NAME.

FRANKEN BERRY CEREAL.
THIS IS MY NAME.
THEY'RE USING MY NAME...

THIS IS MY NAME.
THEY'RE USING MY NAME...
FRANKEN... AND THIS IS MY FACE.

THEY'RE USING MY NAME...
FRANKEN... AND THIS IS MY FACE.
OKAY, LOOK AT THIS.

FRANKEN... AND THIS IS MY FACE.
OKAY, LOOK AT THIS.
HUH?

OKAY, LOOK AT THIS.
HUH?
SEE?

HUH?
SEE?
THIS IS MY MOUTH.

SEE?
THIS IS MY MOUTH.
IT'S MY NOSE.

THIS IS MY MOUTH.
IT'S MY NOSE.
YOU SEE THAT?

IT'S MY NOSE.
YOU SEE THAT?
THEY GOT MY GLASSES, AND THIS IS

YOU SEE THAT?
THEY GOT MY GLASSES, AND THIS IS
THE WORST PART HERE.

THEY GOT MY GLASSES, AND THIS IS
THE WORST PART HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.

THE WORST PART HERE.
LOOK AT THIS.
CAN YOU SEE THAT?

LOOK AT THIS.
CAN YOU SEE THAT?
THEY'RE USING MY REAR END.

CAN YOU SEE THAT?
THEY'RE USING MY REAR END.
COULD YOU SEE THAT?

THEY'RE USING MY REAR END.
COULD YOU SEE THAT?
THEY'RE USING MY CHARISMA TO

COULD YOU SEE THAT?
THEY'RE USING MY CHARISMA TO
PUSH A BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND I

THEY'RE USING MY CHARISMA TO
PUSH A BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND I
JUST... I JUST HAD TO GET THAT

PUSH A BREAKFAST CEREAL, AND I
JUST... I JUST HAD TO GET THAT
OFF MY CHEST, AND WE'RE SUING

JUST... I JUST HAD TO GET THAT
OFF MY CHEST, AND WE'RE SUING
THE BIG "G."

OFF MY CHEST, AND WE'RE SUING
THE BIG "G."
LET ME JUST SAY THAT.

THE BIG "G."
LET ME JUST SAY THAT.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT.

LET ME JUST SAY THAT.
WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO TONIGHT'S

WELL, ENOUGH OF THAT.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO TONIGHT'S
SHOW.

WELCOME TO FRANKEN AND DAVIS'
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR," THE PROGRAM
THAT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY

"PITY THY NEIGHBOR," THE PROGRAM
THAT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GIVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED

THAT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY
TO GIVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED
TO SOMEONE WHO WILL TAKE IT.

TO GIVE SOMETHING YOU DON'T NEED
TO SOMEONE WHO WILL TAKE IT.
NOW, DAN AYKROYD,

TO SOMEONE WHO WILL TAKE IT.
NOW, DAN AYKROYD,
TELL US WHO OUR FIRST PITIFUL

NOW, DAN AYKROYD,
TELL US WHO OUR FIRST PITIFUL
NEIGHBOR IS, DAN.

TELL US WHO OUR FIRST PITIFUL
NEIGHBOR IS, DAN.
WELL, AL, LET US WELCOME

NEIGHBOR IS, DAN.
WELL, AL, LET US WELCOME
MR. AUGIE HARTWELL, A YOUNG MAN

WELL, AL, LET US WELCOME
MR. AUGIE HARTWELL, A YOUNG MAN
WHOM WE ARE TOLD IS DOWN ON HIS

MR. AUGIE HARTWELL, A YOUNG MAN
WHOM WE ARE TOLD IS DOWN ON HIS
LUCK.

WHOM WE ARE TOLD IS DOWN ON HIS
LUCK.
[APPLAUSE]

LUCK.
[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME, AUGIE.

[APPLAUSE]
WELCOME, AUGIE.
UH, HOW ARE YOU?

WELCOME, AUGIE.
UH, HOW ARE YOU?
I'VE BEEN SICK.

UH, HOW ARE YOU?
I'VE BEEN SICK.
YOU'VE BEEN SICK?

I'VE BEEN SICK.
YOU'VE BEEN SICK?
YES.

YOU'VE BEEN SICK?
YES.
WELL, AUGIE, HOW SICK ARE

YES.
WELL, AUGIE, HOW SICK ARE
YOU?

WELL, AUGIE, HOW SICK ARE
YOU?
WELL, MY URINE IS BRIGHT

YOU?
WELL, MY URINE IS BRIGHT
ORANGE, AND I'VE HAD A HEADACHE

WELL, MY URINE IS BRIGHT
ORANGE, AND I'VE HAD A HEADACHE
FOR A YEAR.

ORANGE, AND I'VE HAD A HEADACHE
FOR A YEAR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS

FOR A YEAR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS
POOR MAN HAS BEEN SICK FOR A

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THIS
POOR MAN HAS BEEN SICK FOR A
YEAR.

POOR MAN HAS BEEN SICK FOR A
YEAR.
HIS URINE IS BRIGHT ORANGE.

YEAR.
HIS URINE IS BRIGHT ORANGE.
I'M GONNA OPEN THE LINES.

LET'S FLASH THOSE NUMBERS.

LET'S PUT THOSE NUMBERS ON THE

SCREEN NOW.

IF YOU HAVE ANYTHING THAT YOU'D

LIKE TO GIVE THIS POOR, WRETCHED

CREATURE, PHONE IN TO THAT

NUMBER RIGHT THERE, AND I'M SURE

HE'LL TAKE IT.

NOW, UH, TELL US, AUGIE, WHERE

DO YOU LIVE?

I LIVE IN, UH, GRAMERCY PARK.
WELL, THAT'S A, UH,
FASHIONABLE AREA.

WELL, THAT'S A, UH,
FASHIONABLE AREA.
NO, IN THE PARK!

FASHIONABLE AREA.
NO, IN THE PARK!
IN THE BUSHES!

NO, IN THE PARK!
IN THE BUSHES!
OH, IN THE ACTUAL PARK.

IN THE BUSHES!
OH, IN THE ACTUAL PARK.
OH, THAT... THAT... THAT IS...

OH, IN THE ACTUAL PARK.
OH, THAT... THAT... THAT IS...
THAT IS TERRIBLY PATHETIC.

OH, THAT... THAT... THAT IS...
THAT IS TERRIBLY PATHETIC.
UH, DAN AYKROYD?

THAT IS TERRIBLY PATHETIC.
UH, DAN AYKROYD?
HOW MANY PHONE-IN PLEDGES DO WE

UH, DAN AYKROYD?
HOW MANY PHONE-IN PLEDGES DO WE
HAVE FOR AUGIE?

HOW MANY PHONE-IN PLEDGES DO WE
HAVE FOR AUGIE?
UH, WELL, WE HAVEN'T HAD A

HAVE FOR AUGIE?
UH, WELL, WE HAVEN'T HAD A
RING YET, AL.

UH, WELL, WE HAVEN'T HAD A
RING YET, AL.
NONE?

RING YET, AL.
NONE?
NO.

NONE?
NO.
NONE.

NO.
NONE.
UM, AUGIE, UH, WHY DON'T YOU

NONE.
UM, AUGIE, UH, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL US, WHAT DO YOU EAT?

UM, AUGIE, UH, WHY DON'T YOU
TELL US, WHAT DO YOU EAT?
POPCORN AND PIGEONS.

TELL US, WHAT DO YOU EAT?
POPCORN AND PIGEONS.
OH.

POPCORN AND PIGEONS.
OH.
OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE

OH.
OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE
IS A MAN WITH NO HOME, NO

OH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE
IS A MAN WITH NO HOME, NO
POSSESSIONS, AN OBVIOUSLY SCANTY

IS A MAN WITH NO HOME, NO
POSSESSIONS, AN OBVIOUSLY SCANTY
DIET.

POSSESSIONS, AN OBVIOUSLY SCANTY
DIET.
CERTAINLY THERE MUST BE

DIET.
CERTAINLY THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T NEED...

CERTAINLY THERE MUST BE
SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T NEED...
A DENTED SOUP CAN, AN OLD,

SOMETHING THAT YOU DON'T NEED...
A DENTED SOUP CAN, AN OLD,
STAINED MATTRESS... SOMETHING

A DENTED SOUP CAN, AN OLD,
STAINED MATTRESS... SOMETHING
THAT YOU CAN SEND THIS PATHETIC

STAINED MATTRESS... SOMETHING
THAT YOU CAN SEND THIS PATHETIC
CREATURE.

THAT YOU CAN SEND THIS PATHETIC
CREATURE.
WELL, CERTAINLY WE HAVE SOME

CREATURE.
WELL, CERTAINLY WE HAVE SOME
CALLS BY NOW, DAN.

WELL, CERTAINLY WE HAVE SOME
CALLS BY NOW, DAN.
[SIGHS]

CALLS BY NOW, DAN.
[SIGHS]
NOTHING.

[SIGHS]
NOTHING.
NADA, AL.

NOTHING.
NADA, AL.
OH.

NADA, AL.
OH.
WELL, UM, TELL ME, AUGIE, HOW

OH.
WELL, UM, TELL ME, AUGIE, HOW
DID YOU GET DOWN TO OUR SHOW

WELL, UM, TELL ME, AUGIE, HOW
DID YOU GET DOWN TO OUR SHOW
TODAY?

DID YOU GET DOWN TO OUR SHOW
TODAY?
HOW DO YOU GET AROUND TOWN?

TODAY?
HOW DO YOU GET AROUND TOWN?
I GRAB ON THE BACK OF A BUS.

HOW DO YOU GET AROUND TOWN?
I GRAB ON THE BACK OF A BUS.
YOU GRAB ON...

I GRAB ON THE BACK OF A BUS.
YOU GRAB ON...
YEAH, AND... OH!

YOU GRAB ON...
YEAH, AND... OH!
AUGIE, WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?

YEAH, AND... OH!
AUGIE, WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?
I BIT MY TONGUE AGAIN!

AUGIE, WHAT... WHAT HAPPENED?
I BIT MY TONGUE AGAIN!
OH.

I BIT MY TONGUE AGAIN!
OH.
OH, YOU ARE A MESS.

OH.
OH, YOU ARE A MESS.
OH.

OH, YOU ARE A MESS.
OH.
WELL, DAN?

OH.
WELL, DAN?
DID WE GET ANY... ANY CALLS?

WELL, DAN?
DID WE GET ANY... ANY CALLS?
WELL, GEE, I'M... I'M SORRY,

DID WE GET ANY... ANY CALLS?
WELL, GEE, I'M... I'M SORRY,
AUGIE.

WELL, GEE, I'M... I'M SORRY,
AUGIE.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED ON

AUGIE.
THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED ON
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" BEFORE.

THIS HAS NEVER HAPPENED ON
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" BEFORE.
SORRY WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.

"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" BEFORE.
SORRY WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
THERE'S OTHER PITIFUL NEIGHBORS

SORRY WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF TIME.
THERE'S OTHER PITIFUL NEIGHBORS
WAITING OUT IN THE WINGS.

THERE'S OTHER PITIFUL NEIGHBORS
WAITING OUT IN THE WINGS.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

WAITING OUT IN THE WINGS.
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEAVE.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
LEAVE.
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO

LEAVE.
WELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO
CARES ABOUT ME.

WELL, YOU'RE THE ONLY ONE WHO
CARES ABOUT ME.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING

CARES ABOUT ME.
WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING
NOW?

WHY DON'T YOU GIVE ME SOMETHING
NOW?
OH, NO, I'M SORRY, AUGIE.

NOW?
OH, NO, I'M SORRY, AUGIE.
I CAN'T.

OH, NO, I'M SORRY, AUGIE.
I CAN'T.
NO.

I CAN'T.
NO.
I SEE HUNDREDS OF PITIFUL

NO.
I SEE HUNDREDS OF PITIFUL
NEIGHBORS EVERY WEEK.

I SEE HUNDREDS OF PITIFUL
NEIGHBORS EVERY WEEK.
IF I... IF I GAVE TO YOU, I'D

NEIGHBORS EVERY WEEK.
IF I... IF I GAVE TO YOU, I'D
HAVE TO GIVE TO THEM ALL.

IF I... IF I GAVE TO YOU, I'D
HAVE TO GIVE TO THEM ALL.
THEN I'D BE A PITIFUL NEIGHBOR

HAVE TO GIVE TO THEM ALL.
THEN I'D BE A PITIFUL NEIGHBOR
MYSELF.

THEN I'D BE A PITIFUL NEIGHBOR
MYSELF.
DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T GET

MYSELF.
DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T GET
ANYTHING?

DOES THAT MEAN I DON'T GET
ANYTHING?
UH, NO, WE WOULDN'T LET YOU

ANYTHING?
UH, NO, WE WOULDN'T LET YOU
GO WITHOUT ANYTHING.

UH, NO, WE WOULDN'T LET YOU
GO WITHOUT ANYTHING.
WE WOULDN'T LET YOU GO

GO WITHOUT ANYTHING.
WE WOULDN'T LET YOU GO
EMPTY-HANDED.

WE WOULDN'T LET YOU GO
EMPTY-HANDED.
DAN, WHY DON'T YOU TELL AUGIE

EMPTY-HANDED.
DAN, WHY DON'T YOU TELL AUGIE
WHAT HE'S WON?

DAN, WHY DON'T YOU TELL AUGIE
WHAT HE'S WON?
WELL, AL, AUGIE HAS WON THE

WHAT HE'S WON?
WELL, AL, AUGIE HAS WON THE
HOME VERSION OF THE

WELL, AL, AUGIE HAS WON THE
HOME VERSION OF THE
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" GAME, WHICH

HOME VERSION OF THE
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" GAME, WHICH
YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS

"PITY THY NEIGHBOR" GAME, WHICH
YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS
OR FAMILY.

YOU CAN PLAY WITH YOUR FRIENDS
OR FAMILY.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY

OR FAMILY.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY
FRIENDS.
WELL, THAT'S...

FRIENDS.
WELL, THAT'S...
OR FAMILY.

WELL, THAT'S...
OR FAMILY.
THAT'S TOO BAD.

OR FAMILY.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
NOW, REMEMBER, AUGIE, YOU CAN

THAT'S TOO BAD.
NOW, REMEMBER, AUGIE, YOU CAN
ONLY APPEAR ONCE ON

NOW, REMEMBER, AUGIE, YOU CAN
ONLY APPEAR ONCE ON
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR," SO

ONLY APPEAR ONCE ON
"PITY THY NEIGHBOR," SO
GOODBYE, AND DON'T COME BACK.

"PITY THY NEIGHBOR," SO
GOODBYE, AND DON'T COME BACK.
THANK YOU.

GOODBYE, AND DON'T COME BACK.
THANK YOU.
BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK,

THANK YOU.
BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK,
WHEN OUR NEXT PITIFUL NEIGHBOR

BE SURE TO TUNE IN NEXT WEEK,
WHEN OUR NEXT PITIFUL NEIGHBOR
SAYS HIS NAME IS STEVEN WEED.

WHEN OUR NEXT PITIFUL NEIGHBOR
SAYS HIS NAME IS STEVEN WEED.
Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE

SAYS HIS NAME IS STEVEN WEED.
Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE
RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW" IS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST PARTY...

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM!

GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
THANKS FOR WATCHING!
THANKS!

THANKS FOR WATCHING!
THANKS!
GOOD NIGHT!

♪ STAND BY YOUR MAN ♪
♪ AND SHOW THE WORLD
YOU LOVE HIM ♪

♪ AND SHOW THE WORLD
YOU LOVE HIM ♪
OH, I KNOW!

YOU LOVE HIM ♪
OH, I KNOW!
AND IT'S JUST THAT THEY, YOU

OH, I KNOW!
AND IT'S JUST THAT THEY, YOU
KNOW, THEY COME OUT OF THERE,

AND IT'S JUST THAT THEY, YOU
KNOW, THEY COME OUT OF THERE,
AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO GO BACK

KNOW, THEY COME OUT OF THERE,
AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO GO BACK
IN, YOU KNOW?

AND THEY KEEP TRYING TO GO BACK
IN, YOU KNOW?
IT'S TERRIBLE.

IN, YOU KNOW?
IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, HI!

IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, HI!
I'M EVE BEVERAGE, AND WELCOME TO

OH, HI!
I'M EVE BEVERAGE, AND WELCOME TO
"MEN'S PROBLEMS," THE SHOW THAT

I'M EVE BEVERAGE, AND WELCOME TO
"MEN'S PROBLEMS," THE SHOW THAT
TRIES TO HELP MEN.

"MEN'S PROBLEMS," THE SHOW THAT
TRIES TO HELP MEN.
AND NOW LET'S MEET THE GIRLS...

TRIES TO HELP MEN.
AND NOW LET'S MEET THE GIRLS...
EDNA WOOLMAN...

AND NOW LET'S MEET THE GIRLS...
EDNA WOOLMAN...
HIYA.

EDNA WOOLMAN...
HIYA.
BETSY SANDLER...

HIYA.
BETSY SANDLER...
PATSY CARLSON.

BETSY SANDLER...
PATSY CARLSON.
MARSHA DIETER COULDN'T BE HERE

PATSY CARLSON.
MARSHA DIETER COULDN'T BE HERE
'CAUSE HER HUSBAND HADN'T EATEN

MARSHA DIETER COULDN'T BE HERE
'CAUSE HER HUSBAND HADN'T EATEN
DINNER YET.

'CAUSE HER HUSBAND HADN'T EATEN
DINNER YET.
WELL, LAST WEEK, WE WERE TALKING

DINNER YET.
WELL, LAST WEEK, WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT HOW ALL MEN ARE IN LOVE

WELL, LAST WEEK, WE WERE TALKING
ABOUT HOW ALL MEN ARE IN LOVE
WITH THEIR MOTHERS AND HATE THEM

ABOUT HOW ALL MEN ARE IN LOVE
WITH THEIR MOTHERS AND HATE THEM
AT THE SAME TIME.

WITH THEIR MOTHERS AND HATE THEM
AT THE SAME TIME.
I THINK MEN ARE... ARE ALL

AT THE SAME TIME.
I THINK MEN ARE... ARE ALL
SPOILED BABIES 'CAUSE THEIR

I THINK MEN ARE... ARE ALL
SPOILED BABIES 'CAUSE THEIR
MOTHERS GAVE 'EM EVERYTHING THEY

SPOILED BABIES 'CAUSE THEIR
MOTHERS GAVE 'EM EVERYTHING THEY
WANTED... EXCEPT SEX.

MOTHERS GAVE 'EM EVERYTHING THEY
WANTED... EXCEPT SEX.
OH, EXACTLY.

WANTED... EXCEPT SEX.
OH, EXACTLY.
THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN.

OH, EXACTLY.
THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN.
OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT!

THEY'RE LIKE CHILDREN.
OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT!
I GOT THREE KIDS... TWO ARE MY

OH, TELL ME ABOUT IT!
I GOT THREE KIDS... TWO ARE MY
REAL KIDS AND ONE IS MY HUSBAND,

I GOT THREE KIDS... TWO ARE MY
REAL KIDS AND ONE IS MY HUSBAND,
PETER.

REAL KIDS AND ONE IS MY HUSBAND,
PETER.
HI, KIDS!

PETER.
HI, KIDS!
HI, PETER!

HI, KIDS!
HI, PETER!
WELL, MAYBE THEY BEHAVE LIKE

HI, PETER!
WELL, MAYBE THEY BEHAVE LIKE
CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY CAN NEVER

WELL, MAYBE THEY BEHAVE LIKE
CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY CAN NEVER
ACTUALLY HAVE CHILDREN

CHILDREN BECAUSE THEY CAN NEVER
ACTUALLY HAVE CHILDREN
THEMSELVES.

ACTUALLY HAVE CHILDREN
THEMSELVES.
YEAH.

THEMSELVES.
YEAH.
AND EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE KIDS,

YEAH.
AND EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE KIDS,
THEY CAN NEVER ACTUALLY BE SURE

AND EVEN IF THEY DO HAVE KIDS,
THEY CAN NEVER ACTUALLY BE SURE
WHO THE FATHER REALLY IS.

THEY CAN NEVER ACTUALLY BE SURE
WHO THE FATHER REALLY IS.
THAT'S A PROBLEM.

WHO THE FATHER REALLY IS.
THAT'S A PROBLEM.
VERY GOOD POINT.

THAT'S A PROBLEM.
VERY GOOD POINT.
THAT'S A REALLY BIG MEN'S

VERY GOOD POINT.
THAT'S A REALLY BIG MEN'S
PROBLEM.

THAT'S A REALLY BIG MEN'S
PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT ELSE, DO YOU

PROBLEM.
WELL, WHAT ELSE, DO YOU
THINK?

WELL, WHAT ELSE, DO YOU
THINK?
SIZE.

THINK?
SIZE.
SIZE IS A BIG PROBLEM.

SIZE.
SIZE IS A BIG PROBLEM.
YEAH.

SIZE IS A BIG PROBLEM.
YEAH.
WELL, UH, SIZE CAN EITHER BE A

YEAH.
WELL, UH, SIZE CAN EITHER BE A
BIG PROBLEM OR A LITTLE PROBLEM.

WELL, UH, SIZE CAN EITHER BE A
BIG PROBLEM OR A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THAT'S TRUE.

BIG PROBLEM OR A LITTLE PROBLEM.
THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.

THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S VERY TRUE.
YEAH.

THAT'S VERY TRUE.
YEAH.
OH, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T MEAN

YEAH.
OH, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT YOU,

OH, I DIDN'T... I DIDN'T MEAN
ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT YOU,
PETER.

ANYTHING SPECIFIC ABOUT YOU,
PETER.
WELL, ONE HUGE MEN'S PROBLEM

PETER.
WELL, ONE HUGE MEN'S PROBLEM
IS THAT THEY CAN'T MAKE US

WELL, ONE HUGE MEN'S PROBLEM
IS THAT THEY CAN'T MAKE US
CLIMAX.

IS THAT THEY CAN'T MAKE US
CLIMAX.
OH, YOU GOT TO SHOW HIM,

CLIMAX.
OH, YOU GOT TO SHOW HIM,
HONEY.

OH, YOU GOT TO SHOW HIM,
HONEY.
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME

HONEY.
WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME
WITH DICK.

WELL, IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME
WITH DICK.
FIRST, HE SAYS, "MAMA BEAR, COME

WITH DICK.
FIRST, HE SAYS, "MAMA BEAR, COME
TO PAPA BEAR," THEN HE GOES

FIRST, HE SAYS, "MAMA BEAR, COME
TO PAPA BEAR," THEN HE GOES
"HONK, HONK, HONK," AND THEN

TO PAPA BEAR," THEN HE GOES
"HONK, HONK, HONK," AND THEN
FALLS ASLEEP LIKE A BEACHED

"HONK, HONK, HONK," AND THEN
FALLS ASLEEP LIKE A BEACHED
WHALE!

FALLS ASLEEP LIKE A BEACHED
WHALE!
[IMITATES SNORING]

WHALE!
[IMITATES SNORING]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

[IMITATES SNORING]
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S TERRIBLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, GOD, IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE

IT'S TERRIBLE.
OH, GOD, IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE
PETER!

OH, GOD, IT SOUNDS JUST LIKE
PETER!
OH, NO!

PETER!
OH, NO!
UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?

OH, NO!
UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
CAN I?

UH, CAN I SAY SOMETHING?
CAN I?
I THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE MEN'S

CAN I?
I THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE MEN'S
PROBLEM WHEN A GUY FALLS IN LOVE

I THINK IT'S A TERRIBLE MEN'S
PROBLEM WHEN A GUY FALLS IN LOVE
WITH YOU AND YOU THINK HE'S A

PROBLEM WHEN A GUY FALLS IN LOVE
WITH YOU AND YOU THINK HE'S A
CREEP.

WITH YOU AND YOU THINK HE'S A
CREEP.
AND HE WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN

CREEP.
AND HE WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN
ANSWER.

AND HE WON'T TAKE NO FOR AN
ANSWER.
MY GOD, IF I COULD HAVE A DIME

ANSWER.
MY GOD, IF I COULD HAVE A DIME
FOR EVERY CHARITY CASE I'VE

MY GOD, IF I COULD HAVE A DIME
FOR EVERY CHARITY CASE I'VE
SLEPT WITH.

FOR EVERY CHARITY CASE I'VE
SLEPT WITH.
WELL, THERE WEREN'T THAT MANY.

SLEPT WITH.
WELL, THERE WEREN'T THAT MANY.
MAKING US INTO MASOCHISTS IS

WELL, THERE WEREN'T THAT MANY.
MAKING US INTO MASOCHISTS IS
A TERRIBLE MEN'S PROBLEM.

MAKING US INTO MASOCHISTS IS
A TERRIBLE MEN'S PROBLEM.
MM.

A TERRIBLE MEN'S PROBLEM.
MM.
OH, YOU WANT TO HEAR A REALLY

MM.
OH, YOU WANT TO HEAR A REALLY
BAD MEN'S PROBLEM?

OH, YOU WANT TO HEAR A REALLY
BAD MEN'S PROBLEM?
THAT THEY CAN'T FAKE IT.

BAD MEN'S PROBLEM?
THAT THEY CAN'T FAKE IT.
UH, NO, NO.

THAT THEY CAN'T FAKE IT.
UH, NO, NO.
I... I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,

UH, NO, NO.
I... I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW WHEN... HOW MEN WORRY

I... I WAS THINKING, YOU KNOW,
YOU KNOW WHEN... HOW MEN WORRY
ABOUT THEIR HAIR AND WHEN

YOU KNOW WHEN... HOW MEN WORRY
ABOUT THEIR HAIR AND WHEN
THEY'RE GOING BALD, YOU KNOW?

ABOUT THEIR HAIR AND WHEN
THEY'RE GOING BALD, YOU KNOW?
AND SOMETIMES, THERE'S JUST HAIR

THEY'RE GOING BALD, YOU KNOW?
AND SOMETIMES, THERE'S JUST HAIR
IN THE BACK AND THEY TAKE AND

AND SOMETIMES, THERE'S JUST HAIR
IN THE BACK AND THEY TAKE AND
THEY COMB IT FORWARD?

IN THE BACK AND THEY TAKE AND
THEY COMB IT FORWARD?
AND ONE... ONE STRAND COMES OVER

THEY COMB IT FORWARD?
AND ONE... ONE STRAND COMES OVER
THE TOP LIKE A STRIPE?

AND ONE... ONE STRAND COMES OVER
THE TOP LIKE A STRIPE?
IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIPE!

THE TOP LIKE A STRIPE?
IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIPE!
YES! YES!

IT LOOKS LIKE A STRIPE!
YES! YES!
WELL, YOU KNOW YOU DO IT,

YES! YES!
WELL, YOU KNOW YOU DO IT,
HONEY!

WELL, YOU KNOW YOU DO IT,
HONEY!
YOU KNOW YOU DO.

HONEY!
YOU KNOW YOU DO.
I... I THINK THAT BIGGEST

YOU KNOW YOU DO.
I... I THINK THAT BIGGEST
MEN'S PROBLEM IS THAT WE CAN

I... I THINK THAT BIGGEST
MEN'S PROBLEM IS THAT WE CAN
ALWAYS DO IT, AND THEY CAN'T.

MEN'S PROBLEM IS THAT WE CAN
ALWAYS DO IT, AND THEY CAN'T.
I MEAN, WE CAN EVEN DO IT WHEN

ALWAYS DO IT, AND THEY CAN'T.
I MEAN, WE CAN EVEN DO IT WHEN
WE'RE DEAD.

I MEAN, WE CAN EVEN DO IT WHEN
WE'RE DEAD.
MAYBE, MAYBE.

WE'RE DEAD.
MAYBE, MAYBE.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE BEEF

MAYBE, MAYBE.
NOW, WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE BEEF
BOX FOR SOME QUESTIONS?

NOW, WHY DON'T WE GO TO THE BEEF
BOX FOR SOME QUESTIONS?
YOU!

BOX FOR SOME QUESTIONS?
YOU!
WHAT ABOUT LESBIANISM?

YOU!
WHAT ABOUT LESBIANISM?
WHAT ABOUT IT?

WHAT ABOUT LESBIANISM?
WHAT ABOUT IT?
NEXT QUESTION.

WHAT ABOUT IT?
NEXT QUESTION.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!

NEXT QUESTION.
KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
DO ANY OF YOU FOOL AROUND?

KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK!
DO ANY OF YOU FOOL AROUND?
OH, UH, ME!

DO ANY OF YOU FOOL AROUND?
OH, UH, ME!
UM, I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH

OH, UH, ME!
UM, I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH
THIS REALLY GREAT GUY WHO I MET

UM, I'M HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH
THIS REALLY GREAT GUY WHO I MET
TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT.

THIS REALLY GREAT GUY WHO I MET
TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY, PETER.

TOTALLY BY ACCIDENT.
I'M SORRY, PETER.
AT LEAST SHE HEARD IT FROM

I'M SORRY, PETER.
AT LEAST SHE HEARD IT FROM
YOU, PETER!

AT LEAST SHE HEARD IT FROM
YOU, PETER!
WELL, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF

YOU, PETER!
WELL, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF
TIME BUT, CLEARLY, NOT OUT OF

WELL, WE'RE RUNNING OUT OF
TIME BUT, CLEARLY, NOT OUT OF
MEN'S PROBLEMS.

TIME BUT, CLEARLY, NOT OUT OF
MEN'S PROBLEMS.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, AND I

MEN'S PROBLEMS.
THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, AND I
HOPE WE'VE HELPED SOME OF YOU

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING, AND I
HOPE WE'VE HELPED SOME OF YOU
MEN OUT THERE.

HOPE WE'VE HELPED SOME OF YOU
MEN OUT THERE.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.

MEN OUT THERE.
SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
NO!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK.
NO!
I DIDN'T GET TO MY LIST...

NO!
I DIDN'T GET TO MY LIST...
THERE'S WAR, RAPE, BAD AIM,

I DIDN'T GET TO MY LIST...
THERE'S WAR, RAPE, BAD AIM,
DINGLEBERRIES, DIRTY MOVIES...

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, THE
CHIEFTAINS.
[BODHRáNS PLAY]

CHIEFTAINS.
[BODHRáNS PLAY]
[TIN WHISTLE PLAYS]

[FLUTE PLAYS]
[FIDDLE PLAYS]

[UILLEANN PIPES PLAYS]

[HARP PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, KIDS!
IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW"!

IT'S TIME FOR
"THE MR. BILL SHOW"!
MR. BILL?

"THE MR. BILL SHOW"!
MR. BILL?
SAY, MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?

MR. BILL?
SAY, MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO BOWLING

SAY, MR. BILL, WHERE ARE YOU?
WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO BOWLING
TODAY, REMEMBER?

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GO BOWLING
TODAY, REMEMBER?
OH, A NOTE.

OH, WELL.
MAYBE I'LL STOP BY LATER.
PSST, PSST!

MAYBE I'LL STOP BY LATER.
PSST, PSST!
HEY, KIDS!

PSST, PSST!
HEY, KIDS!
IT'S ME... MR. BILL!

HEY, KIDS!
IT'S ME... MR. BILL!
NO, OVER HERE.

IT'S ME... MR. BILL!
NO, OVER HERE.
YEAH!

NO, OVER HERE.
YEAH!
I'M HIDING IN THE CLOSET.

YEAH!
I'M HIDING IN THE CLOSET.
OHH, I'M SORRY I HAD TO TELL

I'M HIDING IN THE CLOSET.
OHH, I'M SORRY I HAD TO TELL
A FIB, BUT I DIDN'T WANT

OHH, I'M SORRY I HAD TO TELL
A FIB, BUT I DIDN'T WANT
MR. HANDS TO KNOW WHERE ME AND

A FIB, BUT I DIDN'T WANT
MR. HANDS TO KNOW WHERE ME AND
SPOT ARE.

MR. HANDS TO KNOW WHERE ME AND
SPOT ARE.
YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO

SPOT ARE.
YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO
WONDER IF WE'RE VERY SAFE AROUND

YOU KNOW, I'M BEGINNING TO
WONDER IF WE'RE VERY SAFE AROUND
HIM ANYMORE.

WONDER IF WE'RE VERY SAFE AROUND
HIM ANYMORE.
I-I'M EVEN BEGINNING TO THINK

HIM ANYMORE.
I-I'M EVEN BEGINNING TO THINK
THAT HE LIKES MR. SLUGGO BETTER

I-I'M EVEN BEGINNING TO THINK
THAT HE LIKES MR. SLUGGO BETTER
THAN HE LIKES ME 'CAUSE HE

THAT HE LIKES MR. SLUGGO BETTER
THAN HE LIKES ME 'CAUSE HE
ALWAYS LET'S HIM PICK ON ME!

THAN HE LIKES ME 'CAUSE HE
ALWAYS LET'S HIM PICK ON ME!
AND THE MEAN THINGS HE DOES TO

ALWAYS LET'S HIM PICK ON ME!
AND THE MEAN THINGS HE DOES TO
POOR LITTLE SPOT.

AND THE MEAN THINGS HE DOES TO
POOR LITTLE SPOT.
YOU KNOW, IT GETS ME MAD

POOR LITTLE SPOT.
YOU KNOW, IT GETS ME MAD
SOMETIMES!

YOU KNOW, IT GETS ME MAD
SOMETIMES!
AND THEN TODAY, MR. HANDS SAYS

SOMETIMES!
AND THEN TODAY, MR. HANDS SAYS
HE WANTED US TO GO BOWLING WITH

AND THEN TODAY, MR. HANDS SAYS
HE WANTED US TO GO BOWLING WITH
HIM?

HE WANTED US TO GO BOWLING WITH
HIM?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED WE'D

HIM?
WELL, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED WE'D
BE A LOT SAFER HIDING IN HERE.

WELL, YOU KNOW, I FIGURED WE'D
BE A LOT SAFER HIDING IN HERE.
SO, KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO

BE A LOT SAFER HIDING IN HERE.
SO, KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL

SO, KIDS, I HOPE YOU'RE READY TO
HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL
GONNA PLAY IN THE CLOSET!

HAVE FUN TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE ALL
GONNA PLAY IN THE CLOSET!
YAY!

GONNA PLAY IN THE CLOSET!
YAY!
NOW...

YAY!
NOW...
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]

NOW...
[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
UH-OH!

[DOOR OPENS, CLOSES]
UH-OH!
OH, MR. HANDS IS HOME.

UH-OH!
OH, MR. HANDS IS HOME.
EVERYONE, QUIET.

OH, MR. HANDS IS HOME.
EVERYONE, QUIET.
WE'LL BE SAFE HERE.

EVERYONE, QUIET.
WE'LL BE SAFE HERE.
[SPOT BARKS]

WE'LL BE SAFE HERE.
[SPOT BARKS]
SAY, MR. BILL, I'M BACK.

[SPOT BARKS]
SAY, MR. BILL, I'M BACK.
WHERE ARE YA?

SAY, MR. BILL, I'M BACK.
WHERE ARE YA?
Shh!

WHERE ARE YA?
Shh!
GEE, I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE

Shh!
GEE, I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
WHERE HE COULD BE.

GEE, I JUST CAN'T IMAGINE
WHERE HE COULD BE.
THIS JUST ISN'T LIKE MR. BILL.

WHERE HE COULD BE.
THIS JUST ISN'T LIKE MR. BILL.
OH, WELL.

THIS JUST ISN'T LIKE MR. BILL.
OH, WELL.
SINCE I'M HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL

OH, WELL.
SINCE I'M HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL
RETURN HIS BOWLING BALL.

SINCE I'M HERE, I MIGHT AS WELL
RETURN HIS BOWLING BALL.
I'LL PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.

RETURN HIS BOWLING BALL.
I'LL PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.
IT'S GOOD TO RETURN BORROWED

I'LL PUT IT IN THE CLOSET.
IT'S GOOD TO RETURN BORROWED
THINGS PROMPTLY.

IT'S GOOD TO RETURN BORROWED
THINGS PROMPTLY.
OH!

THINGS PROMPTLY.
OH!
BYE-BYE!

HEY, YOU GUYS, I, HAD A...
I HAD A GREAT TIME, AND I HOPE
ALL OF YOU DID, TOO!

I HAD A GREAT TIME, AND I HOPE
ALL OF YOU DID, TOO!
AND, UH...

ALL OF YOU DID, TOO!
AND, UH...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND, UH...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS TO EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANKS TO EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.

THANKS TO EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT!

THANK YOU.
GOOD NIGHT!
I LOVE YOU, DADDY!

GOOD NIGHT!
I LOVE YOU, DADDY!
I LOVE YOU, DAD!

I HOPE YOU'RE WATCHING!

[BAND PLAYS]