Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 4, Episode 10 - Michael Palin/The Doobie Brothers - full transcript

The host for the episode is Michael Palin (his second appearance), and the musical guest is The Doobie Brothers. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Carter delivers his State of the Union address despite his painful hemorrhoids, but the speech is peppered with references to the affliction. Lisa Loopner has another piano lesson with her lecherous teacher, Mr. Brighton. A discussion panel looks at the topic of what would have happened if Superman had landed in Nazi Germany instead of the United States. During the Weekend Update, Chico Escuela gives the sports news, while Father Guido Sarducci gives the latest report on events in the Catholic Church. Mr. Bill gets called in to court, where he is pounded with a gavel, sees his mother and dog torn apart, and ends up strapped to the electric chair. The Doobie Brothers perform "What a Fool Believes" and "Taking It to the Streets".

Announcer: FROM

WASHINGTON, D.C., NBC PRESENTS

PRESIDENT CARTER'S STATE OF THE

UNION ADDRESS.

NOW FROM INSIDE THE CAPITOL IS

NBC's RAY McDOUGAL.

IN JUST A MOMENT, THE HOUSE
DOORKEEPER WILL ANNOUNCE THE
PRESIDENT.

DOORKEEPER WILL ANNOUNCE THE
PRESIDENT.
RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT

PRESIDENT.
RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT
THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN

RUMOR HAD IT EARLIER TODAY THAT
THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE

THE PRESIDENT MAY NOT HAVE BEEN
ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE
OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM,



ABLE TO GIVE THE ADDRESS BECAUSE
OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM,
BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE

OF A PAINFUL MEDICAL PROBLEM,
BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE
DEFINITELY IS HERE.

BUT WE'VE HEARD THAT HE
DEFINITELY IS HERE.
AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER.

DEFINITELY IS HERE.
AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER.
THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER.

AND, UH, HERE'S THE SPEAKER.
THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER.
MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF

THIS ROOM WILL BE IN ORDER.
MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.

MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES.
THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING

THE UNITED STATES.
THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING
INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW.

THE PRESIDENT IS WADDLING
INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW.
THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF

INTO THE HOUSE CHAMBER NOW.
THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF
COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S

THE ENTIRE CONGRESS IS, OF
COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S
CONDITION, AND THEY ARE

COURSE, AWARE OF THE PRESIDENT'S
CONDITION, AND THEY ARE
OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS

CONDITION, AND THEY ARE
OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS
COURAGE.

OBVIOUSLY APPLAUDING HIS
COURAGE.
HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY



COURAGE.
HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY
THE OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT CAUSED BY

HIS STOIC FACE REFUSES TO BETRAY
THE OBVIOUS DISCOMFORT CAUSED BY
HIS AFFLICTION.

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MY FELLOW AMERICANS, AS I
START MY THIRD YEAR AS
PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE

START MY THIRD YEAR AS
PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS

PRESIDENT, I'M HAPPY TO ANNOUNCE
THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS
THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN.

THAT THE STATE OF THE UNION IS
THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN.
WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE.

THE BEST IT'S EVER BEEN.
WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE.
WE'RE AT PEACE.

WE ARE IN GREAT SHAPE.
WE'RE AT PEACE.
MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING.

WE'RE AT PEACE.
MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING.
AND WE HAD THE BEST SUPER BOWL

MORE PEOPLE ARE JOGGING.
AND WE HAD THE BEST SUPER BOWL
EVER.

BUT WE DO HAVE PROBLEMS, THE
MOST IRRITATING OF WHICH IS THE
CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION.

MOST IRRITATING OF WHICH IS THE
CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION.
THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE

CONSTANT SWELLING OF INFLATION.
THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE
DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW

THE VESSELS OF OUR ECONOMY ARE
DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW
THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE

DANGLING IN SUSPENSE TO SEE HOW
THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE
RECTIFIED.

THIS NAGGING PROBLEM WILL BE
RECTIFIED.
INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY.

RECTIFIED.
INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY.
BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I

INFLATION IS NOT PRETTY.
BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I
BELIEVE I'VE PUT MY FINGER ON

BUT AFTER A LONG, HARD LOOK, I
BELIEVE I'VE PUT MY FINGER ON
THE PROBLEM.

WE HAVE OVEREXTENDED OURSELVES,

PUT TOO MUCH STRAIN ON OUR

ECONOMY FROM OUR DEPENDENCE ON

THE FLOW OF FOREIGN OIL.

THEREFORE, TO DRIVE THE PILES
FOR A NEW FOUNDATION TO DEAL
WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT

FOR A NEW FOUNDATION TO DEAL
WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT
TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE

WITH INFLATION, I WILL PRESENT
TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE
LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL

TO CONGRESS A COMPREHENSIVE
LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL
"PREPARATION I."

LEGISLATIVE PACKAGE THAT I CALL
"PREPARATION I."
WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS

"PREPARATION I."
WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS
PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK

WITH DILIGENT APPLICATION, THIS
PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK
INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS

PROGRAM WILL HOPEFULLY SHRINK
INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS
BURDEN WHICH ITCHES AWAY AT THE

INFLATION AND RELIEVE THIS
BURDEN WHICH ITCHES AWAY AT THE
BASE OF OUR ECONOMY.

I COULD GO ON AND DESCRIBE IN
THE MOST VAGUE GENERALITIES OUR
INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS

THE MOST VAGUE GENERALITIES OUR
INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS
REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT

INADEQUATE EFFORTS IN ARMS
REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT
I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE

REDUCTION AND HUMAN RIGHTS, BUT
I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE
ANY LONGER.

I JUST CAN'T TAKE STANDING HERE
ANY LONGER.
SO LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

ANY LONGER.
SO LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

WITH MICHAEL PALIN...

STARRING DAN AYKROYD...
JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...

JOHN BELUSHI...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
AND GILDA RADNER.

WITH MUSICAL GUEST
THE DOOBIE BROTHERS...
SPECIAL GUEST

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS...
SPECIAL GUEST
FRANKEN AND DAVIS...

SPECIAL GUEST
FRANKEN AND DAVIS...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM

FRANKEN AND DAVIS...
AND A SPECIAL REPORT FROM
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL PALIN.

HELLO. HI.
GREAT, GREAT.
WOW.

GREAT, GREAT.
WOW.
I'M OVERCOME.

WOW.
I'M OVERCOME.
[LAUGHS]

I'M OVERCOME.
[LAUGHS]
THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU

[LAUGHS]
THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU
KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO

THIS IS JUST WONDERFUL, YOU
KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO
THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE.

KNOW, TO COME 3,000 MILES TO
THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE.
AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO

THIS... 4,000 BY CONCORDE.
AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO
BE HERE.

AH, IT'S... IT'S JUST GREAT TO
BE HERE.
ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO

BE HERE.
ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO
BE BACK ON

ALL I CAN SAY IS IT'S GREAT TO
BE BACK ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

BE BACK ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
[APPLAUSE]
OH, PLEASE.

[APPLAUSE]
OH, PLEASE.
[LAUGHS]

OH, PLEASE.
[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME

[LAUGHS]
YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME
FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE

YOU'RE JUST TRYING TO MAKE ME
FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE
THAT.

FEEL BETTER, AND I APPRECIATE
THAT.
UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO

THAT.
UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO
BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN.

UM... NO, IT'S JUST WONDERFUL TO
BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN.
I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T

BE HERE WITH THE GUYS AGAIN.
I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T
HE GREAT?

I MEAN, DANNY UP THERE... ISN'T
HE GREAT?
AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST,

HE GREAT?
AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST,
UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN...

AND ALL THE OTHERS ARE JUST,
UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN...
WHOO!

UM, YOU KNOW, THE... UM, JOHN...
WHOO!
LIDA... GILDA...

WHOO!
LIDA... GILDA...
WHOO!

LIDA... GILDA...
WHOO!
LARAINE...

WHOO!
LARAINE...
WHOO!

LARAINE...
WHOO!
JANE...

WHOO!
JANE...
WHOO!

JANE...
WHOO!
[LAUGHTER]

WHOO!
[LAUGHTER]
GARRETT, OF COURSE...

[LAUGHTER]
GARRETT, OF COURSE...
AND BILL...

GARRETT, OF COURSE...
AND BILL...
AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES.

AND BILL...
AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL.

AND A COUPLE POUNDS OF POTATOES.
ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL.
ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN,

ALL RIGHT, WELL, THAT'S ALL.
ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN,
IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK

ANYWAY, IT'S JUST... I MEAN,
IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK
HERE AGAIN.

IT'S A GREAT THRILL TO BE BACK
HERE AGAIN.
EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I

HERE AGAIN.
EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I
THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW

EVERYTHING'S WORKING WELL, AND I
THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW
BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A...

THINK... I MAY SAY THIS NOW
BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A...
DARE I SAY IT?

BECAUSE I THINK WE HAVE A...
DARE I SAY IT?
YEAH, I DARE.

DARE I SAY IT?
YEAH, I DARE.
A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU

YEAH, I DARE.
A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.

A NEAR-PERFECT SHOW FOR YOU
TONIGHT.
I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE

TONIGHT.
I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE
REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE

I MEAN, JUST THROUGH THE
REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE
COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL.

REHEARSALS, THE WRITERS HAVE
COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL.
THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR

COME UP WITH SUPERB MATERIAL.
THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR
MUSICAL GUESTS.

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS ARE OUR
MUSICAL GUESTS.
GREAT.

MUSICAL GUESTS.
GREAT.
THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO

GREAT.
THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO
GOOD.

THEY ARE... THEY'RE JUST SO
GOOD.
FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE.

GOOD.
FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE.
I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,

FRANKEN AND DAVIS, WE HAVE.
I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM

I MEAN, AS FAR AS I'M CONCERNED,
EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM
THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG

EVERYTHING'S GREAT APART FROM
THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG
SOCKS.

THE FACT THAT I HAVE THE WRONG
SOCKS.
STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM.

SOCKS.
STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM.
THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS

STILL, THIS IS NOT A PROBLEM.
THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS
JUST BETWEEN ME AND...

THIS IS JUST... NO, NO, THIS IS
JUST BETWEEN ME AND...
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]

JUST BETWEEN ME AND...
[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]
IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE?

[HIGH-PITCHED LAUGHTER]
IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE?
THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC.

IS THAT MY MOTHER UP THERE?
THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC.
IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE

THIS IS JUST BETWEEN ME AND NBC.
IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE
LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT

IT'S A LITTLE PROBLEM, A LITTLE
LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT
YOU AT ALL.

LOCAL PROBLEM NEED NOT AFFECT
YOU AT ALL.
NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY

YOU AT ALL.
NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY
CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET

NO, I JUST... I MEAN, I REALLY
CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET
ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I

CAN'T WAIT BECAUSE I WANT TO GET
ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I
SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN

ON WITH THE SHOW BECAUSE, AS I
SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN
REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING

SAID, THE STUFF I'VE SEEN
REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING
ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS

REALLY... I MEAN, THE ONLY THING
ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS
ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL

ABOUT THE SOCKS THAT REALLY GETS
ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL
YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I

ME IS... NO, NO, I'LL JUST TELL
YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I
HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT

YOU... YOU KNOW, IS THAT I
HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT
AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN

HAVE... I HAVE A PROBLEM IN THAT
AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN
ALLERGY.

AREA, WHICH IS THAT I HAVE AN
ALLERGY.
I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL.

ALLERGY.
I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL.
NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN

I HAVE AN ALLERGY TO WOOL.
NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN
SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN

NOW, OKAY, YOU KNOW, CERTAIN
SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN
I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE

SOCKS ARE MADE OF WOOL, SO WHEN
I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE
CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER

I, YOU KNOW, NEGOTIATED FOR THE
CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER
HERE.

CONTRACT, THEY SAID, "COME OVER
HERE.
WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW."

HERE.
WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW."
I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY,

WE WANT YOU TO DO THE SHOW."
I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY,
I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF

I SAID, "FINE, BUT, OBVIOUSLY,
I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF
IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO

I'D LIKE TO, IF POSSIBLE, IF
IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO
HAVE WOOL SOCKS."

IT'S AT ALL POSSIBLE, NOT TO
HAVE WOOL SOCKS."
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY,

HAVE WOOL SOCKS."
YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY,
"MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO

YOU KNOW, I DON'T LIKE TO SAY,
"MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO
THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T

"MICHAEL PALIN SAYS HE WILL DO
THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T
HAVE WOOL SOCKS."

THE SHOW PROVIDED HE DOESN'T
HAVE WOOL SOCKS."
I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT.

HAVE WOOL SOCKS."
I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT.
BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND

I DIDN'T WANT TO SAY THAT.
BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND
I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.

BUT I WROTE A LITTLE LETTER, AND
I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.
THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE

I SPOKE TO SOMEONE ON THE PHONE.
THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE
ANY WOOL SOCKS.

THEY SAID, "FINE, YOU WON'T HAVE
ANY WOOL SOCKS.
WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE,

ANY WOOL SOCKS.
WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE,
ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT."

WE'LL GET RAYON, TERYLENE,
ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH,

ORLON, SOMETHING LIKE THAT."
JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH,
BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT

JUST SO THAT... NOTHING MUCH,
BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT
DURING THE SHOW.

BUT IT JUST HELPS MY COMFORT
DURING THE SHOW.
AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS,

DURING THE SHOW.
AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS,
THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF

AND IF I DO WEAR WOOL SOCKS,
THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF
UNCOMFORTABLE.

THEN THINGS GET A LITTLE SORT OF
UNCOMFORTABLE.
ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT

UNCOMFORTABLE.
ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT
AT THAT."

ANYWAY, SO I THOUGHT, "LEAVE IT
AT THAT."
FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT.

AT THAT."
FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT.
I COME IN TODAY.

FINE, YOU KNOW, IT'S GREAT.
I COME IN TODAY.
I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN

I COME IN TODAY.
I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN
SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON

I PASS A STORE ON THE WAY IN
SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON
SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE.

SELLING RAYON, TERYLENE, ORLON
SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE.
I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A

SOCKS, ALL ON A SALE.
I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A
SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH

I COME IN TODAY, THERE'S NOT A
SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH
DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON

SOCK IN THE BUILDING WHICH
DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON
IT.

DOESN'T HAVE PURE LAMB'S WOOL ON
IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY

IT.
YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY
THING, ANYWAY.

YOU KNOW, IT'S... IT'S A SILLY
THING, ANYWAY.
ANYWAY...

THING, ANYWAY.
ANYWAY...
NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW

ANYWAY...
NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW
TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE,

NO, I TELL YOU, THE SHOW
TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE,
REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE.

TONIGHT... JUST A FORETASTE,
REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE.
THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS

REALLY, WAS DANNY'S BIT THERE.
THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS
TO COME.

THERE ARE SOME TREMENDOUS THINGS
TO COME.
AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO

TO COME.
AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO
CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY

AND I, YOU KNOW, I DON'T WANT TO
CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY
THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS

CARRY ON, BUT JUST LET ME SAY
THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS
THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY

THIS... WITH A SHOW AS GOOD AS
THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY
COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO

THIS, IT'S JUST A PITY THAT THEY
COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO
SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA.

COULDN'T HAVE RUN POSSIBLY TO
SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE

SOMETHING IN THE HOSIERY AREA.
THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
BETTER, YOU KNOW.

THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN A LITTLE
BETTER, YOU KNOW.
NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF

BETTER, YOU KNOW.
NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF
AMERICA.

NBC, RCA... THEY OWN MOST OF
AMERICA.
YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY

AMERICA.
YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY
CONCORDE.

YOU KNOW, THEY SEND ME BY
CONCORDE.
THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW,

CONCORDE.
THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW,
A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO,

THEY SEND A LIMOUSINE, YOU KNOW,
A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO,
GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK.

A LIMOUSINE WITH A STEREO,
GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK.
THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL.

GIN AND TONICS IN THE BACK.
THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL.
THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE.

THEY TAKE ME TO THE HOTEL.
THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE.
THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING

THEY DRIVE ME AROUND HERE.
THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING
ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING

THEY GIVE ME A LOVELY DRESSING
ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL

ROOM WITH DRINKS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL
THAT.

LIKE THAT AND CHEESE AND ALL
THAT.
BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE

THAT.
BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE
SOCKS.

BUT, YEAH, I DON'T GET THE
SOCKS.
STILL...

SOCKS.
STILL...
YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY

STILL...
YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY
'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD.

YOU KNOW, I... IT'S JUST A PITY
'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD.
I WON'T SAY ANYMORE.

'CAUSE IT'S ALL SO GOOD.
I WON'T SAY ANYMORE.
JUST, UM, ENJOY THE SHOW, AND

I WON'T SAY ANYMORE.
JUST, UM, ENJOY THE SHOW, AND
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[GROANING]
BOY, YOUR MOM SURE HAS A WAY
WITH BEANS AND FRANKS.

BOY, YOUR MOM SURE HAS A WAY
WITH BEANS AND FRANKS.
[GROANS]

WITH BEANS AND FRANKS.
[GROANS]
STUFFED.

[GROANS]
STUFFED.
ME, TOO.

STUFFED.
ME, TOO.
SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING

ME, TOO.
SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING
SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY

SOMETIMES I FEEL GUILTY HAVING
SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY
LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE,

SO MUCH WHEN THERE'S SO MANY
LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE,
STARVING.

LITTLE CHILDREN OVER IN EUROPE,
STARVING.
WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU

STARVING.
WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU
COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE

WELL, YOU KNOW, LISA, YOU
COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE
PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR

COULD USE A COUPLE OF CARE
PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR
DEPRESSED AREAS.

PACKAGES YOURSELF FOR YOUR
DEPRESSED AREAS.
SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST

DEPRESSED AREAS.
SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST
LOOKING AT THEM.

SERIOUSLY, I GET DEPRESSED JUST
LOOKING AT THEM.
YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I

LOOKING AT THEM.
YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I
FORGOT TO LAUGH.

YEAH, THAT'S SO FUNNY, I
FORGOT TO LAUGH.
UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT.

FORGOT TO LAUGH.
UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT.
OH, STOP IT, TODD.

UH-OH, NOOGIE AIRLIFT.
OH, STOP IT, TODD.
THERE'S SOME OF THOSE

OH, STOP IT, TODD.
THERE'S SOME OF THOSE
DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES

THERE'S SOME OF THOSE
DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES
DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF

DESPERATELY NEEDED NOOGIES
DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF
AMERICA RIGHT HERE.

DONATED BY THE SCHOOLCHILDREN OF
AMERICA RIGHT HERE.
[SNORTS]

AMERICA RIGHT HERE.
[SNORTS]
STOP.

[SNORTS]
STOP.
CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA

STOP.
CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA
FACE.

CUT IT... CUT IT OUT, PIZZA
FACE.
I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT.

FACE.
I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT.
MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR

I WANT TO LOOK ALL RIGHT.
MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR
MY PIANO LESSON.

MR. BRIGHTON'S COMING OVER FOR
MY PIANO LESSON.
MR. BRIGHTON.

MY PIANO LESSON.
MR. BRIGHTON.
[GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT.

MR. BRIGHTON.
[GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT.
HE'S NOT A PERVERT.

[GAGS] WHAT A PERVERT.
HE'S NOT A PERVERT.
HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S

HE'S NOT A PERVERT.
HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S
ENGLISH.

HE'S AN ARTIST, AND HE'S
ENGLISH.
YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE

ENGLISH.
YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE
ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS

YEAH, WELL, HE MAY BE
ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS
RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND

ENGLISH, BUT HE HAS
RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND
ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY

RUSSIAN [rushin'] HANDS AND
ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY
DEAR.

ROMAN [roamin'] FINGERS, MY
DEAR.
OH, STOP IT, TODD.

DEAR.
OH, STOP IT, TODD.
YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE

OH, STOP IT, TODD.
YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE
TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME

YOU'RE JUST THINKING ABOUT THE
TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME
AND EVERYTHING.

TIME WHEN HE TRIED TO KISS ME
AND EVERYTHING.
BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS

AND EVERYTHING.
BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS
SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY

BUT THAT WAS ONLY 'CAUSE HE WAS
SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY
PLAYING.

SWEPT AWAY BY THE PASSION OF MY
PLAYING.
[SNIFFLES]

PLAYING.
[SNIFFLES]
P.U.!

[SNIFFLES]
P.U.!
SOMEBODY CUT THE CHEESE.

STOP IT, TODD.
HE... HE, WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT.
YEAH.

HE... HE, WHO SMELT IT DEALT IT.
YEAH.
♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS,

YEAH.
♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS,
THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪

♪ AH, BEANS, BEANS,
THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪
♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE

THE MUSICAL FRUIT ♪
♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE
YOU PBHT! ♪

♪ THE MORE YOU EAT, THE MORE
YOU PBHT! ♪
SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP.

YOU PBHT! ♪
SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR

SHUT UP, TODD, SHUT UP.
WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR
SOMETHING?

WHY DON'T YOU LIGHT A MATCH OR
SOMETHING?
ALL RIGHT.

SOMETHING?
ALL RIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

ALL RIGHT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, THERE HE IS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH, THERE HE IS.
NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL

OH, THERE HE IS.
NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL
MURDERLIZE YOU.

NOW, IF YOU EMBARRASS ME, I'LL
MURDERLIZE YOU.
THE FOOT.

MURDERLIZE YOU.
THE FOOT.
HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON.

THE FOOT.
HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON.
HELLO, LISA.

HELLO, MR. BRIGHTON.
HELLO, LISA.
HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL?

HELLO, LISA.
HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL?
[LAUGHS]

HOW'S MY FAVORITE PUPIL?
[LAUGHS]
FINE, MR. BRIGHTON.

[LAUGHS]
FINE, MR. BRIGHTON.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR

FINE, MR. BRIGHTON.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR
MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE WASTING YOUR
MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA.
HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY

MONEY ON PIANO LESSONS, LISA.
HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY
BY EAR.

HERE, I'LL TEACH YOU HOW TO PLAY
BY EAR.
LOOK AT THIS.

BY EAR.
LOOK AT THIS.
[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]

LOOK AT THIS.
[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]
MOM! MOM!

[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]
MOM! MOM!
[OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES]

MOM! MOM!
[OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES]
TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN.

[OFF-KEY PLAYING CONTINUES]
TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN.
OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU

TODD'S DOING IT AGAIN.
OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU
COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM

OH, TODD, DEAR, COULD YOU
COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM
AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR

COME DOWN TO THE LAUNDRY ROOM
AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR
SHEETS?

AND HELP ME FOLD THE CONTOUR
SHEETS?
COMING, MRS. LOOPNER.

HERE, LISA, I BROUGHT THE
SHEET MUSIC YOU ASKED FOR.
OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY

SHEET MUSIC YOU ASKED FOR.
OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY
MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH.

OH, OH, "THE WAY WE WERE" BY
MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH.
[GASPS]

MY IDOL, MARVIN HAMLISCH.
[GASPS]
OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU

[GASPS]
OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU
THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT

OH, DO YOU THINK... OH, DO YOU
THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT
BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL?

THINK I COULD LEARN TO PLAY IT
BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL?
WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY

BY MY NEXT-WEEK RECITAL?
WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY
CLOSELY.

WELL, WE'D HAVE TO WORK VERY
CLOSELY.
UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT

CLOSELY.
UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT
NOW.

UH, LET ME JUST TRY IT RIGHT
NOW.
I'LL START WORKING ON IT.

NOW.
I'LL START WORKING ON IT.
[PIANO PLAYING OFF-KEY]

IS THAT GOOD, MR. BRIGHTON?
YES, LISA.
LISA...

YES, LISA.
LISA...
YOU STIR MY MANHOOD.

LISA...
YOU STIR MY MANHOOD.
WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON?

YOU STIR MY MANHOOD.
WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON?
[HACKING]

WHAT, MR. BRIGHTON?
[HACKING]
AH.

[HACKING]
AH.
[CLEARS THROAT]

AH.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,

[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,
BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE

I'M SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOU,
BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE
A MAGNET.

BUT THE MUSIC DREW ME LIKE
A MAGNET.
AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID,

A MAGNET.
AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID,
IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA,

AND I HAD TO ASK MYSELF, "ENID,
IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA,
PLAYING OR IS THAT THE

IS THAT YOUR DAUGHTER, LISA,
PLAYING OR IS THAT THE
PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?"

PLAYING OR IS THAT THE
PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?"
[LAUGHTER]

PIED PIPER OF HAMLISCH?"
[LAUGHTER]
IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE

[LAUGHTER]
IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE
BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC,

IF THERE'S ONE THING I LIKE
BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC,
MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT

BETTER THAN FINE MUSIC,
MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT
WIT.

MRS. LOOPNER, IT'S BRILLIANT
WIT.
[LAUGHS]

WIT.
[LAUGHS]
OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU

[LAUGHS]
OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU
EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON.

OH, FLATTERY WILL GET YOU
EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON.
HELP, I CAN'T SEE.

EVERYWHERE, MR. BRIGHTON.
HELP, I CAN'T SEE.
THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE

HELP, I CAN'T SEE.
THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE
SOMEHOW.

THESE GOGGLES ARE DEFECTIVE
SOMEHOW.
I CAN'T SEE A THING.

SOMEHOW.
I CAN'T SEE A THING.
OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS

I CAN'T SEE A THING.
OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS
DEFECTIVE.

OH, TODD, YOUR BRAIN IS
DEFECTIVE.
AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S

DEFECTIVE.
AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S
BRA.

AND BESIDES, THAT'S MY MOM'S
BRA.
OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE

BRA.
OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE
MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND

OH, OOPS, IT APPEARS I'VE
MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND
JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER.

MADE A GRAVE ERROR IN TASTE AND
JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER.
40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE,

JUDGMENT, MRS. LOOPNER.
40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE,
YOUNG MAN.

40 LASHES WITH A WET NOODLE,
YOUNG MAN.
DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE

YOUNG MAN.
DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE
SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE

DON'T WORRY, MOM, I'LL MAKE
SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE
FOUND IT.

SURE HE PUTS IT BACK WHERE HE
FOUND IT.
COME ON, TODD.

FOUND IT.
COME ON, TODD.
GET OUT OF HERE.

COME ON, TODD.
GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR

GET OUT OF HERE.
OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR
HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED.

OH, THOSE KIDS AND THEIR
HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED.
PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE,

HORMONES... THEY RUN ME RAGGED.
PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE,
ENID.

PUBERTY ONLY KNOCKS ONCE,
ENID.
AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL

ENID.
AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL
INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP

AND IF YOU'RE SMART, YOU'LL
INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP
OF COFFEE.

INVITE IT IN AND GIVE IT A CUP
OF COFFEE.
OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT

OF COFFEE.
OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT
WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY.

OH, I GUESS I WAS OUT
WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY.
[BOTH LAUGH]

WHEN PUBERTY DROPPED BY.
[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS

[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS
PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND,

OH, DID I EVER SHOW YOU THIS
PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND,
MARSHALL?

PICTURE OF MY LATE HUSBAND,
MARSHALL?
[LAUGHS]

MARSHALL?
[LAUGHS]
GOD REST HIS SOUL.

[LAUGHS]
GOD REST HIS SOUL.
HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD

GOD REST HIS SOUL.
HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD
ANNIVERSARY.

HERE WE ARE ON OUR THIRD
ANNIVERSARY.
W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE

ANNIVERSARY.
W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE
DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT?

W-WHY IS HE CURLED UP IN THE
DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT?
OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS

DOGGIE BASKET LIKE THAT?
OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS
BORN WITHOUT A SPINE.

OH, THE LATE MR. LOOPNER WAS
BORN WITHOUT A SPINE.
OH.

BORN WITHOUT A SPINE.
OH.
NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF

OH.
NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF
A BOILED SHRIMP.

NO WONDER HE HAS THE POSTURE OF
A BOILED SHRIMP.
[CHUCKLES]

A BOILED SHRIMP.
[CHUCKLES]
I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I

[CHUCKLES]
I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I
SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH

I-I MEAN, I SUPPOSE HE... I
SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH
EXERCISE.

SUPPOSE HE DIDN'T GET MUCH
EXERCISE.
OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA.

EXERCISE.
OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA.
ENID.

OH, JUST A LITTLE YOGA.
ENID.
ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.

ENID.
ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.
[LAUGHING] OH, WELL...

ENID, STOP LIVING IN THE PAST.
[LAUGHING] OH, WELL...
YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG.

[LAUGHING] OH, WELL...
YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG.
YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING,

YOU'VE BEEN ALONE TOO LONG.
YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING,
SENSUAL ANIMAL.

YOU'RE A WOMAN, ENID, A FEELING,
SENSUAL ANIMAL.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS?

SENSUAL ANIMAL.
WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS?
OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON.

WHAT ABOUT YOUR NEEDS?
OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON.
OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR

OH, I GET PLENTY OF IRON.
OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR
SHELL.

OH, ENID, COME OUT OF YOUR
SHELL.
LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.

SHELL.
LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.
[Laughing] OH, NO.

LET YOUR HAIR DOWN.
[Laughing] OH, NO.
TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES.

[Laughing] OH, NO.
TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES.
ENID.

TAKE OFF THOSE GLASSES.
ENID.
ENID, YOU'RE...

ENID.
ENID, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE... SQUINTING.

ENID, YOU'RE...
YOU'RE... SQUINTING.
WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN

YOU'RE... SQUINTING.
WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN
THING.

WELL, I CAN'T SEE A DARN
THING.
OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY

THING.
OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY
MANHOOD.

OH, ENID, YOU STIR MY
MANHOOD.
[LAUGHING]

MANHOOD.
[LAUGHING]
NO, STOP!

[LAUGHING]
NO, STOP!
IS HE MOLESTING YOU,

NO, STOP!
IS HE MOLESTING YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER?

IS HE MOLESTING YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER?
MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?

MRS. LOOPNER?
MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, OH, RELAX, KID.

MOM, ARE YOU OKAY?
OH, OH, RELAX, KID.
IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST

OH, OH, RELAX, KID.
IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST
TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES

IT'S JUST MR. BRIGHTON JUST
TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES
LOOSE.

TRYING TO SHAKE MY HORMONES
LOOSE.
BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL

LOOSE.
BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL
STUCK.

BUT DON'T WORRY... THEY'RE STILL
STUCK.
HOW'D YOU DO?

STUCK.
HOW'D YOU DO?
DID YOU GET ANYTHING?

HOW'D YOU DO?
DID YOU GET ANYTHING?
I-I'M SORRY.

DID YOU GET ANYTHING?
I-I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.

I-I'M SORRY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT CAME OVER ME.
I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING

I-I GOT CARRIED AWAY.
I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT, MAN.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE TALKING
ABOUT, MAN.
THESE LOOPNERS ARE

ABOUT, MAN.
THESE LOOPNERS ARE
DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL

THESE LOOPNERS ARE
DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL
LOOKERS.

DYNAMITE-LOOKING DAMES, REAL
LOOKERS.
IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF

LOOKERS.
IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
THEM.

IT'S HARD TO KEEP YOUR HANDS OFF
THEM.
NO, IT'S NOT THEM.

THEM.
NO, IT'S NOT THEM.
THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT

NO, IT'S NOT THEM.
THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT
ATTRACTIVE.

THEY'RE NOT EVEN THAT
ATTRACTIVE.
IT'S ME.

ATTRACTIVE.
IT'S ME.
I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU

IT'S ME.
I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU
THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE

I'VE... I'VE NEVER TOLD YOU
THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE
THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA.

THIS, BUT YOU'RE THE ONLY PEOPLE
THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA.
LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL.

THAT I KNOW IN AMERICA.
LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS,

LISA IS MY ONLY PUPIL.
COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS,
MR. BRIGHTON.

COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS,
MR. BRIGHTON.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE.

MR. BRIGHTON.
AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE.
MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A

AT LEAST YOU HAVE A SPINE.
MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A
MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU.

MR. BRIGHTON, I HAVE A
MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]

MUSICAL MESSAGE FOR YOU.
[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

[CLEARS THROAT]
♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER
THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪

♪ ONE IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER
THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪
♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪

THAT YOU'LL EVER DO ♪
♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪
♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER

♪ TWO CAN BE AS BAD AS ONE ♪
♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER
SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪

♪ IT'S THE LONELIEST NUMBER
SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪
♪ AH ♪

SINCE THE NUMBER ONE ♪
♪ AH ♪
YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A

♪ AH ♪
YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A
MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING.

YOU KNOW, TODD, YOU HAVE A
MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING.
IN FACT...

MUSICAL GIFT THAT'S VERY MOVING.
IN FACT...
YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD.

IN FACT...
YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PIANO

YOU STIR MY MANHOOD, TODD.
HAVE YOU EVER CONSIDERED PIANO
LESSONS?

GOOD EVENING, I'M JOAN FACE.
WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A

WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A
HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A

EACH WEEK ON THE SHOW, WE ASK A
HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A
SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT.

HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION ABOUT A
SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT.
TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR

SPECIFIC HISTORICAL EVENT.
TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR
QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A

TONIGHT'S QUESTION, LIKE ALL OUR
QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A
MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A

QUESTIONS, COMES FROM A
MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A
PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.

MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE 10, A
PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN

PAPERBOY FROM ALTON, ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN
GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF

KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF SUPERMAN
GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF
AMERICA?"

GREW UP IN GERMANY INSTEAD OF
AMERICA?"
WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS

AMERICA?"
WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS
QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS
QUESTION IS OUR PANEL OF
EXPERTS.

TONIGHT, BRIGADIER GENERAL

KEVIN TEMPLE FROM

EDWARDS AIR FORCE BASE AND

EILEEN HOUTON, PROFESSOR OF

MODERN HISTORY AT

WELLESLEY COLLEGE AND

OWNER OF ONE OF THE LARGEST

COMIC-BOOK COLLECTIONS IN THE

UNITED STATES.

PROFESSOR HOUTON, WHAT IF
SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY
INSTEAD OF AMERICA?

SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY
INSTEAD OF AMERICA?
WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW,

INSTEAD OF AMERICA?
WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW,
SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT

WELL, JOAN, AS YOU KNOW,
SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT
THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE

SUPERMAN'S FATHER, JOR-EL, SENT
THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE
PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH,

THE INFANT SUPERMAN FROM THE
PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH,
WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS

PLANET KRYPTON TOWARD EARTH,
WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS
SOMETIME AROUND 1930.

WHERE HE LANDED IN KANSAS
SOMETIME AROUND 1930.
SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD

SOMETIME AROUND 1930.
SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD
BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS...

SUPERMAN ADOPTED THE VALUES HELD
BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS...
TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN

BY HIS NEW PARENTS, THE KENTS...
TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN
WAY.

TRUTH, JUSTICE, AND THE AMERICAN
WAY.
NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY,

WAY.
NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY,
PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED

NOW, HAD HE LANDED IN, SAY,
PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES.

PRUSSIA, HE WOULD HAVE ADOPTED
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT

ENTIRELY DIFFERENT VALUES.
SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT
THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE

SO WHAT YOU'RE SAYING IS THAT
THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE
BECOME A NAZI.

THE YOUNG SUPERMAN MAY WELL HAVE
BECOME A NAZI.
EXACTLY.

BECOME A NAZI.
EXACTLY.
OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER

EXACTLY.
OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER
THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS

OF COURSE, WE SHOULD REMEMBER
THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS
REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT

THAT AT THE TIME SUPERMAN WAS
REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT
WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES.

REACHING MANHOOD, GERMANY WAS AT
WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES.
GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE

WAR WITH THE UNITED STATES.
GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD

GENERAL, WHAT WOULD HAVE
HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD
FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH?

HAPPENED IF THE MAN OF STEEL HAD
FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH?
SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.

FOUGHT FOR THE THIRD REICH?
SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR
US?

WHY DIDN'T SUPERMAN FIGHT FOR
US?
[LAUGHS]

US?
[LAUGHS]
NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL

[LAUGHS]
NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL
QUESTION, GENERAL.

NO, THIS IS A HYPOTHETICAL
QUESTION, GENERAL.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY,

QUESTION, GENERAL.
OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY,
I'M SORRY.

OH, YEAH, YEAH, I'M SORRY,
I'M SORRY.
UM...

I'M SORRY.
UM...
WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S

UM...
WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S
DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF

WELL, HERE'S TONIGHT'S
DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF
SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY

DRAMATIZATION OF "WHAT IF
SUPERMAN GREW UP IN GERMANY
INSTEAD OF AMERICA?"

NEIN, GERMAN SOLDIERS WILL

NEVER RETREAT FROM STALINGRAD.

THE RUSSIANS ARE SWINE... JUST

ONE STEP ABOVE THE POLES, TWO

STEPS ABOVE THE GYPSIES, FOUR

STEPS ABOVE THE HOMOSEXUALS,

FIVE AND A HALF STEPS ABOVE THE

NEGROES, NINE STEPS ABOVE THE

DWARVES, 15 STEPS ABOVE THE

GYPSY HOMOSEXUALS, 27 STEPS

ABOVE NEGRO-GYPSY-HOMOSEXUAL

POLES, AND 43 STEPS ABOVE THE

JEWS.

DID I MENTION THE HOMOSEXUAL
JEWS?
RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER.

JEWS?
RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER.
All: HEIL, HITLER.

RIGHT, THE MEETING IS OVER.
All: HEIL, HITLER.
WE MEET NEXT WEEK.

All: HEIL, HITLER.
WE MEET NEXT WEEK.
AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD

WE MEET NEXT WEEK.
AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD
NEWS.

AND I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY BAD
NEWS.
JA, JA.

NEWS.
JA, JA.
OH, JA.

JA, JA.
OH, JA.
GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER.

OH, JA.
GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER.
GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY.

GOOD DAY, MEIN FUHRER.
GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY.
ALL RIGHT.

GOOD DAY, GOOD DAY.
ALL RIGHT.
FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO

ALL RIGHT.
FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO
SEE ME?

FRAU GUSTON, WHO IS WAITING TO
SEE ME?
A WERNHER VON BRAUN,

SEE ME?
A WERNHER VON BRAUN,
COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE

A WERNHER VON BRAUN,
COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE
REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET.

COLONEL KLINK, AND THOSE THREE
REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET.
JAWOHL, SEND IN THE

REPORTERS FROM THE DAILY PLANET.
JAWOHL, SEND IN THE
REPORTERS.

JAWOHL, SEND IN THE
REPORTERS.
All: HEIL, HITLER.

REPORTERS.
All: HEIL, HITLER.
HEIL, HITLER.

All: HEIL, HITLER.
HEIL, HITLER.
WELL...

HEIL, HITLER.
WELL...
I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR

WELL...
I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR
PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE

I WISH TO PERSONALLY PRAISE YOUR
PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE
NEWSPAPER.

PROPAGANDA WORK IN THE
NEWSPAPER.
YOU MUST BE, UH...

NEWSPAPER.
YOU MUST BE, UH...
LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER.

YOU MUST BE, UH...
LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER.
MMM.

LOIS LANE-OFF, MEIN FUHRER.
MMM.
UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN.

MMM.
UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN.
OLSTEIN?

UND THIS IS JIMMY OLSTEYN.
OLSTEIN?
E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER.

OLSTEIN?
E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER.
DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S

E-Y-N, MEIN FUHRER.
DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S
SIDE.

DUTCH ANCESTORS ON THE FATHER'S
SIDE.
AH.

SIDE.
AH.
UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT.

AH.
UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT.
KLAUS KENT?

UND THIS IS KLAUS KENT.
KLAUS KENT?
ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT

KLAUS KENT?
ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT
JESSE OWENS IN '36?

ARE YOU THE MAN WHO BEAT
JESSE OWENS IN '36?
JA.

JESSE OWENS IN '36?
JA.
OH...

JA.
OH...
YOU, KLAUS?

OH...
YOU, KLAUS?
YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER.

YOU, KLAUS?
YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER.
WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER

YOU'RE SUCH A CLUMSY BUMBLER.
WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER
THEN.

WELL, LOIS, I WAS YOUNGER
THEN.
NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED

THEN.
NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED
CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF

NOW I'M JUST A MILD-MANNERED
CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF
PROPAGANDA.

CLERK FOR THE MINISTRY OF
PROPAGANDA.
[TICKING]

EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER, IS THAT
A JANITOR'S CLOSET?
JA.

A JANITOR'S CLOSET?
JA.
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT.

[WHIRRING]
MY SON.
MY SON.

MY SON.
MY SON.
I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL.

MY SON.
I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL.
YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO

I AM YOUR FATHER, JOR-EL.
YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO
EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF

YOUR MOTHER AND I SENT YOU TO
EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF
OUR PLANET, KRYPTON.

EARTH AS THE ONLY SURVIVOR OF
OUR PLANET, KRYPTON.
AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE

OUR PLANET, KRYPTON.
AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE
BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES.

AS YOU HEAR THIS, I WILL HAVE
BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES.
BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS

BEEN DEAD MANY CENTURIES.
BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS
CHARLIE RICH.

BUT I WILL BE REBORN AS
CHARLIE RICH.
ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL

CHARLIE RICH.
ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL
HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND

ON THE PLANET EARTH, YOU WILL
HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND
KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE

HAVE SPECIAL POWERS AND
KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE
YOU FROM MANKIND.

KNOWLEDGE WHICH WILL SEPARATE
YOU FROM MANKIND.
USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD.

YOU FROM MANKIND.
USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD.
AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER

USE THESE POWERS ONLY FOR GOOD.
AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER
TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN.

AND ABOVE ALL, YOU MUST NEVER
TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN.
AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD.

TAMPER WITH THE DESTINY OF MAN.
AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD.
[WHIRRING]

AND DON'T EAT JUNK FOOD.
[WHIRRING]
MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE

[WHIRRING]
MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE
MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE

MY SON, WHEN YOUR SURROGATE
MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE
BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS

MOTHER AND I FOUND YOU IN THE
BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS
OUR OWN.

BLACK FOREST, WE RAISED YOU AS
OUR OWN.
WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND

OUR OWN.
WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND
WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT

WE TAUGHT YOU HOW THE FATHERLAND
WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT
VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE

WAS STABBED IN THE BACK AT
VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE
PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL

VERSAILLES, HOW JEWS ARE
PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL
ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE

PARASITES, AND HOW GERMANY WILL
ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE
WORLD.

ONE DAY BRING ORDER TO THE
WORLD.
AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE

WORLD.
AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE
VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER...

AND DON'T, SON, EVER LIFT THOSE
VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER...
COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS.

VOLKSWAGENS BY THE BUMPER...
COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS.
JA, HE'S RIGHT.

COME RIGHT OFF IN YOUR HANDS.
JA, HE'S RIGHT.
I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE

JA, HE'S RIGHT.
I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE
FATHERLAND.

I WILL USE MY POWERS FOR THE
FATHERLAND.
FOR I AM...

FATHERLAND.
FOR I AM...
UBERMAN.

FOR I AM...
UBERMAN.
["THEME FROM SUPERMAN" PLAYS]

UBERMAN.
EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER.
STAND BACK.

EXCUSE ME, MEIN FUHRER.
STAND BACK.
THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS

STAND BACK.
THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS
BRIEFCASE.

THERE'S A BOMB IN THIS
BRIEFCASE.
OH, NOT AGAIN.

BRIEFCASE.
OH, NOT AGAIN.
[BOOM!]

MY GOD.
[LAUGHTER]
AH!

[LAUGHTER]
AH!
ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN!

AH!
ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN!
YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR

ALL OF YOU IS UBERMAN!
YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR
BODY.

YOU SMOTHERED THE BOMB WITH YOUR
BODY.
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING.

BODY.
AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING.
WHO ARE YOU?

AND YOU'RE NOT EVEN BLEEDING.
WHO ARE YOU?
I AM UBERMAN.

WHO ARE YOU?
I AM UBERMAN.
I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I

I AM UBERMAN.
I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I
FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE,

I HAVE SUPERHUMAN POWERS, AND I
FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE,
AND THE NAZI WAY.

FIGHT FOR UNTRUTH, INJUSTICE,
AND THE NAZI WAY.
AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION.

AND THE NAZI WAY.
AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION.
X-RAY VISION?

AND I HAVE X-RAY VISION.
X-RAY VISION?
CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES?

X-RAY VISION?
CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES?
JA.

CAN YOU SEE THROUGH MY CLOTHES?
JA.
AND THROUGH HIS, TOO.

JA.
AND THROUGH HIS, TOO.
HE'S A JEW.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT TRUE.
MY PARENTS JUST WERE VERY
ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL.

MY PARENTS JUST WERE VERY
ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL.
SILENCE!

ADVANCED IN HYGIENE, THAT'S ALL.
SILENCE!
GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY.

SILENCE!
GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY.
NO NEED.

GUARDS, TAKE THIS JEW AWAY.
NO NEED.
I'LL DROP HIM OFF AT THE CAMP ON

NO NEED.
I'LL DROP HIM OFF AT THE CAMP ON
MY WAY TO THE EASTERN FRONT.

[WHOOSH!]
WHAT AN AMAZING STROKE OF
LUCK.

WHAT AN AMAZING STROKE OF
LUCK.
WE MIGHT WIN THIS WAR AFTER ALL.

WELL, THAT LOOKED PRETTY
GRIM.
I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE

GRIM.
I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE
WAR.

I GUESS WE WOULD HAVE LOST THE
WAR.
NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN.

WAR.
NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN.
AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR

NOT NECESSARILY, JOAN.
AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR
UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE

AS YOU KNOW, SUPERMAN, OR
UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE
THING... KRYPTONITE.

UBERMAN, IS VULNERABLE TO ONE
THING... KRYPTONITE.
THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS

THING... KRYPTONITE.
THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS
ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON

THE U.S. WOULD HAVE PUT ALL ITS
ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON
BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN.

ENERGY INTO DEVELOPING A KRYPTON
BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN.
AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE

BOMB IN TIME TO STOP UBERMAN.
AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE
BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED

AND AFTER THE WAR, WITH THE
BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED
OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE

BRITISH ISLES ENTIRELY WIPED
OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE
JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL

OUT, IT MAY WELL HAVE BECOME THE
JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL
WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY.

JEWISH HOMELAND, AND ISRAEL
WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY.
AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY

WOULD BE IN ENGLAND TODAY.
AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE,

AH, WELL, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE,
PROFESSOR HOUTON.

MUCH, GENERAL TEMPLE,
PROFESSOR HOUTON.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE

PROFESSOR HOUTON.
JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE
THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE
THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN
HAD SCHNAUZER FACES?"

THE QUESTION "WHAT IF ALL WOMEN
HAD SCHNAUZER FACES?"
GOOD NIGHT.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
DOOBIE BROTHERS!
1.2.1, 2...

DOOBIE BROTHERS!
1.2.1, 2...
["WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES" PLAYS]

♪ SHE CAME FROM SOMEWHERE
BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪
♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪

BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪
♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪
♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪

♪ SENTIMENTAL FOOL DON'T SEE ♪
♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪
♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED

♪ TRYIN' HARD TO RE-CREATE ♪
♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED
ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪

♪ WHAT HAD YET TO BE CREATED
ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪
♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS

ONCE IN HER LIFE ♪
♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS
NOSTALGIC TALE ♪

♪ SHE MUSTERS A SMILE FOR HIS
NOSTALGIC TALE ♪
♪ NEVER COMING NEAR

NOSTALGIC TALE ♪
♪ NEVER COMING NEAR
WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪

♪ NEVER COMING NEAR
WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪
♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER

WHAT THEY WANTED TO SAY ♪
♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER
REALLY WAS ♪

♪ ONLY TO REALIZE IT NEVER
REALLY WAS ♪
♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪

REALLY WAS ♪
♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪
♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK

♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪
♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK
TWICE ♪

♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK
TWICE ♪
♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪

TWICE ♪
♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪
♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY

♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪
♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY
KNOW ♪

♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY
KNOW ♪
♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪

KNOW ♪
♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪
♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN

♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪
♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN
NOTHING ♪

♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN
NOTHING ♪
♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪

NOTHING ♪
♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE

♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE
BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪

♪ KEEPS SENDING HIM SOMEWHERE
BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪
♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE

BACK IN HER LONG AGO ♪
♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE
THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪

♪ WHERE HE CAN STILL BELIEVE
THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪
♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL

THERE'S A PLACE IN HER LIFE ♪
♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL
RETURN ♪

♪ SOMEDAY, SOMEWHERE SHE WILL
RETURN ♪
[ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

♪ SHE HAD A PLACE IN HIS LIFE ♪
♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK
TWICE ♪

♪ HE NEVER MADE HER THINK
TWICE ♪
♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪

TWICE ♪
♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪
♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY

♪ AS HE RISES TO HER APOLOGY ♪
♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY
KNOW ♪

♪ ANYBODY ELSE WOULD SURELY
KNOW ♪
♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪

KNOW ♪
♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ HE'S WATCHING HER GO ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪
♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN

♪ WHAT SEEMS TO BE ♪
♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN
NOTHING ♪

♪ IS ALWAYS BETTER THAN
NOTHING ♪
♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪

NOTHING ♪
♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪

♪ AND NOTHING AT ALL ♪
♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪

♪ WHAT A FOOL BELIEVES ♪
♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪

♪ HE SEES ♪
♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪

♪ NO WISE MAN HAS THE POWER ♪
♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE

♪ TO REASON AWAY ♪
♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE
AWAY ♪

♪ I BELIEVE SHE'S NEVER GONE
AWAY ♪
[ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE BILL MURRAY AND
JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK

I'M JANE CURTIN.
OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK
IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT

OUR TOP STORY... TRAGEDY STRUCK
IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT
WHEN NBC PRESIDENT

IN ROCKEFELLER CENTER LAST NIGHT
WHEN NBC PRESIDENT
FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER

WHEN NBC PRESIDENT
FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER
WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF

FRED SILVERMAN COLLAPSED AFTER
WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF
"HELLO, LARRY."

WATCHING THE PREMIERE EPISODE OF
"HELLO, LARRY."
WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY.

"HELLO, LARRY."
WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY.
BILL.

WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY.
BILL.
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE

BILL.
THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE
REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS

THE ATTORNEY GENERAL'S OFFICE
REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS
ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH.

REMINDS US THAT JANUARY IS
ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH.
IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING

ALIEN-REGISTRATION MONTH.
IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING
ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU

IF THERE ARE ANY ALIENS WATCHING
ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU
SOME TROUBLE.

ME RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA SAVE YOU
SOME TROUBLE.
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND

SOME TROUBLE.
RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND
REPEAT AFTER ME.

RAISE YOUR RIGHT HANDS AND
REPEAT AFTER ME.
I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT

REPEAT AFTER ME.
I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT
I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL

I HEREBY DECLARE, ON OATH, THAT
I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL
ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE,

I ABSOLUTELY RENOUNCE ALL
ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE,
THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND

ALLEGIANCE TO ANY FOREIGN STATE,
THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE

THAT I WILL SUPPORT AND DEFEND
THE CONSTITUTION OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST

THE CONSTITUTION OF THE
UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST
ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE

UNITED STATES OF AMERICA AGAINST
ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE
THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP

ALL ENEMIES, AND THAT I TAKE
THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP
ME, GOD.

THIS OBLIGATION FREELY, SO HELP
ME, GOD.
THERE.

ME, GOD.
THERE.
CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS,

THERE.
CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS,
AND WELCOME.

CONGRATULATIONS, NEW CITIZENS,
AND WELCOME.
JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH?

AND WELCOME.
JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH?
DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH

JUST ONE THING, THOUGH, HUH?
DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH
THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO

DON'T EVER LET THE FLAG TOUCH
THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO
STRAIGHT TO HELL.

THE GROUND, OR YOU'LL GO
STRAIGHT TO HELL.
[LAUGHTER]

STRAIGHT TO HELL.
[LAUGHTER]
ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES

[LAUGHTER]
ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES
WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S

ON DECEMBER 29th, WOODY HAYES
WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S
HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING

WAS DISMISSED AS OHIO STATE'S
HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING
AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE

HEAD FOOTBALL COACH FOR STRIKING
AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE
FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL.

AN OPPOSING BALL PLAYER IN THE
FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL.
SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN

FINAL MOMENTS OF THE GATOR BOWL.
SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN
SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT

SINCE THEN, WOODY HAS BEEN
SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT
HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN,

SPENDING MOST OF HIS TIME AT
HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN,
AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS

HOME WITH HIS WIFE, CHARLEEN,
AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS
ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON

AND BOTH OF THEM WERE GRACIOUS
ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."

ENOUGH TO VISIT ME TONIGHT ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
HEY, YOU MANIACS.

"CELEBRITY CORNER."
HEY, YOU MANIACS.
WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE

HEY, YOU MANIACS.
WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE
BUCKEYE STATE.

WELCOME TO ALL OF YOU IN THE
BUCKEYE STATE.
THANKS FOR COMING ON

BUCKEYE STATE.
THANKS FOR COMING ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."

THANKS FOR COMING ON
"CELEBRITY CORNER."
IT'S A PLEASURE.

"CELEBRITY CORNER."
IT'S A PLEASURE.
HI, BILL.

IT'S A PLEASURE.
HI, BILL.
HI, CHARLEEN.

HI, BILL.
HI, CHARLEEN.
FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU

HI, CHARLEEN.
FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU
DO IT?

FIRST OF ALL, WOODY, WHY DID YOU
DO IT?
WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL?

DO IT?
WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL?
IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY

WHAT CAN I SAY, BILL?
IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY
PART.

IT WAS AN IMPULSIVE ACT ON MY
PART.
I MADE A MISTAKE.

PART.
I MADE A MISTAKE.
[LAUGHS]

I MADE A MISTAKE.
[LAUGHS]
NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF

[LAUGHS]
NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF
COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT

NOW, WOODY, AFTER 28 YEARS OF
COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT
YOUR DISMISSAL?

COACHING, ARE YOU BITTER ABOUT
YOUR DISMISSAL?
NO, BILL, I'M NOT.

YOUR DISMISSAL?
NO, BILL, I'M NOT.
THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS

NO, BILL, I'M NOT.
THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS
HURT OHIO STATE.

THE LAST THING I'D WANT TO DO IS
HURT OHIO STATE.
THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.

HURT OHIO STATE.
THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.
I GOT WHAT I DESERVED.

THEY MADE THE RIGHT DECISION.
I GOT WHAT I DESERVED.
[LAUGHS]

I GOT WHAT I DESERVED.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY

[LAUGHS]
WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY
HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT

WELL, THAT'S VERY, VERY
HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT
NEXT?

HUMBLE OF YOU, WOODY, BUT WHAT
NEXT?
YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD.

NEXT?
YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND

YOU'RE 65 YEARS OLD.
DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND
ANOTHER COACHING JOB?

DO YOU THINK THAT YOU COULD LAND
ANOTHER COACHING JOB?
I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL.

ANOTHER COACHING JOB?
I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL.
NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.

I DON'T EVEN WANT IT, BILL.
NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT

NOW, DON'T GET ME WRONG.
COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT
I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH

COACHING'S BEEN GOOD TO ME, BUT
I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH
MY FAMILY.

I'M GLAD THAT I CAN BE HERE WITH
MY FAMILY.
THAT'S NICE.

MY FAMILY.
THAT'S NICE.
[LAUGHS]

THAT'S NICE.
[LAUGHS]
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,

[LAUGHS]
HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,
CHARLEEN HAYES?

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT,
CHARLEEN HAYES?
OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.

CHARLEEN HAYES?
OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS,

OH, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER.
FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS,
WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME

FOR THE FIRST TIME IN 28 YEARS,
WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME
WITH EACH OTHER.

WOODY AND I ARE SPENDING TIME
WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S WONDERFUL.

WITH EACH OTHER.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN,

IT'S WONDERFUL.
WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN,
YOU KNOW?

WE FEEL LIKE NEWLYWEDS AGAIN,
YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHS]

YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHS]
RIGHT, OH!

[LAUGHS]
RIGHT, OH!
[LAUGHS]

RIGHT, OH!
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU.
NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!

WELL, THANK YOU.
NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!
WOODY!

NO, WOODY! WOODY! WOODY!
WOODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND

WOODY!
THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND
THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES.

THANK YOU SO MUCH, WOODY, AND
THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES.
I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE

THANK YOU, CHARLEEN HAYES.
I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE
ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR

I WANT YOU TWO MANIACS TO HAVE
ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR
REMAINING YEARS.

ALL THE FUN YOU CAN IN YOUR
REMAINING YEARS.
THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER

REMAINING YEARS.
THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER
COACH OF THE BUCKEYES.

THAT'S WOODY HAYES, THE FORMER
COACH OF THE BUCKEYES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COACH OF THE BUCKEYES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A
RAW DEAL.

I PERSONALLY FEEL THE MAN GOT A
RAW DEAL.
JANE.

RAW DEAL.
JANE.
FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER

JANE.
FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER
POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH

FIRST LADY ROSALYNN CARTER
POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH
ACCUSED MASS MURDERER

POSED IN CHICAGO LAST YEAR WITH
ACCUSED MASS MURDERER
JOHN WAYNE GACY JR.

ACCUSED MASS MURDERER
JOHN WAYNE GACY JR.
NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO

JOHN WAYNE GACY JR.
NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO
WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S

NATURALLY, MRS. CARTER HAD NO
WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S
DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW

WAY OF KNOWING ABOUT MR. GACY'S
DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE

DESTINY, NOR DID SHE KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE
OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER

ANYTHING ABOUT THE EVENTUAL FATE
OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER
JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH

OF PEOPLE'S TEMPLE LEADER
JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH
HIM FOR THIS PICTURE.

JIM JONES WHEN SHE POSED WITH
HIM FOR THIS PICTURE.
OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST

HIM FOR THIS PICTURE.
OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST
COINCIDENCES, BUT

OF COURSE, THESE ARE JUST
COINCIDENCES, BUT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED

COINCIDENCES, BUT
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED
STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS UNCOVERED
STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF
MRS. CARTER.

STILL MORE PHOTOGRAPHS OF
MRS. CARTER.
HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER

MRS. CARTER.
HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER
CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER

HERE SHE IS WITH MASS MURDERER
CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER
SNIPER.

CHARLES WHITMAN, THE TEXAS TOWER
SNIPER.
THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A

SNIPER.
THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A
GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE

THE PICTURE WAS TAKEN DURING A
GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE
UNIVERSITY CAMPUS.

GUN-CONTROL RALLY ON THE
UNIVERSITY CAMPUS.
AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH

UNIVERSITY CAMPUS.
AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH
CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER

AND HERE'S ROSALYNN WITH
CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER
CHARLES MANSON.

CALIFORNIA'S MASS MURDERER
CHARLES MANSON.
THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A

CHARLES MANSON.
THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A
SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING

THE TWO DINED TOGETHER AT A
SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING
DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s.

SAVE-THE-WHALES FUND-RAISING
DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s.
AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT

DINNER IN THE EARLY '60s.
AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT
ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS

AND IT WAS ON A SKI WEEKEND THAT
ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS
MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND

ROSALYNN MET AND POSED WITH MASS
MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND
ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE

MURDERERS RICHARD SPECK AND
ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE
INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER.

ALBERT DeSALVO, WHOM SHE
INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER.
AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE

INTRODUCED TO EACH OTHER.
AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE
OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER

AND, FINALLY, THIS RARE PICTURE
OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER
CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN

OF ROSALYNN WITH MASS MURDERER
CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN
CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS

CHARLIE STARKWEATHER, AND THEN
CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING

CONGRESSMAN ED KOCH, WHO SWEARS
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING
A PICTURE TAKEN WITH

HE DOESN'T REMEMBER EVER HAVING
A PICTURE TAKEN WITH
MRS. CARTER.

A PICTURE TAKEN WITH
MRS. CARTER.
[LAUGHTER]

MRS. CARTER.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S

[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS

AND NOW HERE TO TELL US WHAT'S
HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS
IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE

HAPPENING IN THE WORLD OF SPORTS
IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE
NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE"

IS THE FORMER ALL-STAR FOR THE
NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE"
SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA.

NEW YORK METS, "UPDATE"
SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA.
CHICO.

SPORTSCASTER CHICO ESCUELA.
CHICO.
[APPLAUSE]

CHICO.
[APPLAUSE]
[Spanish accent] THANK YOU,

[APPLAUSE]
[Spanish accent] THANK YOU,
"HANE."

[Spanish accent] THANK YOU,
"HANE."
[LAUGHTER]

"HANE."
[LAUGHTER]
BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO

[LAUGHTER]
BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.

BASEBALL BEEN VERY, VERY GOOD TO
ME.
THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY,

ME.
THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY,
VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS.

THIS WEEK, BASEBALL BEEN VERY,
VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS.
SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE

VERY GOOD TO WILLIE MAYS.
SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE
ON THE BALL.

SAY, WILLIE ALWAYS KEEP HIS EYE
ON THE BALL.
IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE...

ON THE BALL.
IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE...
HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS.

IN THE SUPER BOWL, WE HAVE...
HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS.
ROLL, PLEASE.

HOW DO YOU SAY? HIGHLIGHTS.
ROLL, PLEASE.
JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS

ROLL, PLEASE.
JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS
EYE ON THE BALL, BUT

JACKIE SMITH DID NOT KEEP HIS
EYE ON THE BALL, BUT
LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON

EYE ON THE BALL, BUT
LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON
THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY

LYNN SWANN... HE KEEP HIS EYE ON
THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY
HAPPY.

THE BALL, AND HE VERY, VERY
HAPPY.
[LAUGHTER]

HAPPY.
[LAUGHTER]
SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE

[LAUGHTER]
SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE
BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY.

SO, ALWAYS KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE
BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY.
THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,

BALL, AND YOU'LL BE HAPPY.
THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,
"HANE."

THANK YOU VERY, VERY MUCH,
"HANE."
GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO.

"HANE."
GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO.
GREAT.

GREAT DELIVERY, CHICO.
GREAT.
NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE.

GREAT.
NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE.
NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.

NO. NO. NO COMPRENDE.
NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.
OH. HASTA LUEGO.

NEVER MIND. NEVER MIND.
OH. HASTA LUEGO.
DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN

OH. HASTA LUEGO.
DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN
JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK

DEMOCRAT-TURNED-REPUBLICAN
JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK
ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE

JOHN CONNOLLY THIS WEEK
ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE
1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL

ANNOUNCED HIS CANDIDACY FOR THE
1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
NOMINATION.

1980 REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL
NOMINATION.
SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS

NOMINATION.
SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS
TO SAY.

SENATOR GEORGE McGOVERN HAD THIS
TO SAY.
"I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY

TO SAY.
"I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY
WITHIN A MILE OF THE

"I WOULDN'T TRUST JOHN CONNOLLY
WITHIN A MILE OF THE
WHITE HOUSE.

WITHIN A MILE OF THE
WHITE HOUSE.
HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS

WHITE HOUSE.
HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS
OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM.

HE COMBINES THE WORST ELEMENTS
OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM.
HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING,

OF WATERGATE AND VIETNAM.
HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING,
DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN.

HE'S A TYPICAL DOUBLE-TALKING,
DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN.
THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO

DOUBLE-CROSSING POLITICIAN.
THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO
JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST

THE ONLY REASON HE NEVER WENT TO
JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST
CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY."

JAIL IS BECAUSE HE HAD THE BEST
CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY."
CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I

CRIMINAL LAWYER IN THE COUNTRY."
CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I
CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S

CONNOLLY REPLIED, "I GUESS I
CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S
SUPPORT."

CAN'T COUNT ON GEORGE'S
SUPPORT."
BILL.

SUPPORT."
BILL.
THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO

BILL.
THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO
MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE

THE POPE HAS NOW MOVED ON TO
MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE
LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S

MEXICO CITY TO OPEN THE
LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S
CONFERENCE.

LATIN-AMERICAN BISHOP'S
CONFERENCE.
AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE

CONFERENCE.
AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE
HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL

AND JUST BACK FROM MEXICO, WHERE
HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL
ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP

HE HAD ACCOMPANIED THE PAPAL
ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP
COLUMNIST FOR THE

ENTOURAGE, IS THE GOSSIP
COLUMNIST FOR THE
L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE

COLUMNIST FOR THE
L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,

L'OSSERVATORE ROMANO, THE
VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.

VATICAN NEWSPAPER,
FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER.

FATHER GUIDO SARDUCCI.
NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER.
THANK YOU.

NICE TO HAVE YOU HERE, FATHER.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU

THANK YOU.
THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU
HAVE THERE.

THAT'S A BEAUTIFUL HAT YOU
HAVE THERE.
THANK YOU.

HAVE THERE.
THANK YOU.
I GOT IT IN MEXICO.

THANK YOU.
I GOT IT IN MEXICO.
WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST

I GOT IT IN MEXICO.
WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST
STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE

WELL, I THINK THAT THE BIGGEST
STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE
IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS

STORY OF THE BISHOP CONFERENCE
IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS
OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS

IN MEXICO CITY IS THAT THOUSANDS
OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS
HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO

OF PICKPOCKETS AND SWINDLERS
HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO
STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME

HAVE DESCENDED ON THAT CITY TO
STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME
TO WATCH THE POPE.

STEAL FROM THE PEOPLE WHO CAME
TO WATCH THE POPE.
ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN

TO WATCH THE POPE.
ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN
HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE.

ALREADY, MEXICO CITY POLICEMEN
HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE.
I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN

HAVE ARRESTED 2,000 PEOPLE.
I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN
THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED

I'M NOT SAYING ALL PEOPLE DOWN
THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED
'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL

THERE ARE LIKE THESE CROOKED
'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL
PEOPLE.

'CAUSE I DID MEET SOME WONDERFUL
PEOPLE.
MET THIS ONE GIRL.

PEOPLE.
MET THIS ONE GIRL.
LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS

MET THIS ONE GIRL.
LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS
REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND

LUPE IS HER NAME, AND SHE WAS
REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND
SHOWED ME THE CITY.

REALLY NICE, DROVE ME AROUND AND
SHOWED ME THE CITY.
AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW.

SHOWED ME THE CITY.
AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW.
HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO,

AND I ALSO MET THIS ONE FELLOW.
HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO,
AND HE WAS NICE.

HE WAS FROM GUADALAJARA, MEXICO,
AND HE WAS NICE.
HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE

AND HE WAS NICE.
HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE
CHURCH.

HE WAS REALLY INTERESTED IN THE
CHURCH.
HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF.

CHURCH.
HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF.
AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS

HE KNEW A LOT OF STUFF.
AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS
FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS,

AND HE TOLD ME HE HAD THIS
FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS,
AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE

FRIEND WHO HAD A LOT OF RELICS,
AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE
INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO

AND HE THOUGHT MAYBE I WOULD BE
INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO
PURCHASING SOME.

INTERESTED IN MAYBE LOOKING INTO
PURCHASING SOME.
AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME

PURCHASING SOME.
AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME
'CAUSE IT WAS HARD.

AND GOOD THING HE WAS WITH ME
'CAUSE IT WAS HARD.
I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT.

'CAUSE IT WAS HARD.
I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT.
YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE

I NEVER WOULD'VE FOUND IT.
YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE
STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND

YOU KNOW, WE WAS DRIVING LITTLE
STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND
THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME

STREETS AND LITTLE ALLEYWAYS AND
THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME
OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD,

THAT, BUT IT WAS FANTASTIC, SOME
OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD,
I'M TELLING YOU.

OF THE STUFF THIS GUY HAD,
I'M TELLING YOU.
ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE

I'M TELLING YOU.
ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE
CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE

ONE THING HE HAD... OR WHAT HE
CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE
HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE

CLAIMED, ANYWAY... WAS THE
HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE
OF JESUS.

HIGH-SCHOOL-GRADUATION PICTURE
OF JESUS.
[LAUGHTER]

OF JESUS.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S RIGHT.

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT

THAT'S RIGHT.
BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU

BUT I KIND OF SHIED AWAY FROM IT
BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU
TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT?

BECAUSE, YOU KNOW, HOW CAN YOU
TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT?
'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,

TELL IT'S HIM, RIGHT?
'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD

'CAUSE IT WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL,
YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD
THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND

YOU KNOW, IT WAS BEFORE HE HAD
THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND
THAT.

THE BEARD AND THE LONG HAIR AND
THAT.
HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING

THAT.
HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING
THEN, YOU KNOW?

HE WAS REAL STRAIGHT-LOOKING
THEN, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]

THEN, YOU KNOW?
[LAUGHTER]
ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING.

[LAUGHTER]
ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING.
IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A

ALSO, HE HAD SOMETHING.
IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A
BIG FEMUR BONE... OF

IT WAS A BONE, A FEMUR BONE... A
BIG FEMUR BONE... OF
SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T

BIG FEMUR BONE... OF
SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T
GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED.

SAINT AUGUSTINE, BUT I DIDN'T
GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED.
AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE

GET IT 'CAUSE IT WAS CHIPPED.
AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE
LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST

AND SOMETHING THAT I WOULD'VE
LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL

LOVED TO HAVE BOUGHT, BUT I JUST
COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL
FOR THE LAST SUPPER.

COULDN'T AFFORD IT, WAS THE BILL
FOR THE LAST SUPPER.
[LAUGHTER]

FOR THE LAST SUPPER.
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE

[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE
LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED

IT WAS THE ACTUAL CHECK FROM THE
LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED
$50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY

LAST SUPPER, BUT HE WANTED
$50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY
OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID

$50,000 FOR IT... IT WAS WAY
OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID
HAVE SOMETHING.

OUT OF MY BALLGAME... BUT HE DID
HAVE SOMETHING.
HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER.

HAVE SOMETHING.
HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER.
HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR

HE BROUGHT IT OUT LATER.
HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR
CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE."

HE SAID, "THIS IS MORE IN YOUR
CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE."
AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR

CATEGORY, I THINK, MONEYWISE."
AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR
THE LAST BRUNCH.

AND WHAT IT WAS, WAS A BILL FOR
THE LAST BRUNCH.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A

THE LAST BRUNCH.
I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A
LAST BRUNCH.

I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW THERE WAS A
LAST BRUNCH.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME.

LAST BRUNCH.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME.
I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND

YOU KNOW, THAT'S NEWS TO ME.
I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND
EVERYTHING.

I WENT TO THE SEMINARY AND
EVERYTHING.
BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S

EVERYTHING.
BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S
REALLY SOMETHING.

BUT I DID GET IT, AND IT'S
REALLY SOMETHING.
AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN

REALLY SOMETHING.
AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN
'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE.

AND I KNOW I DIDN'T GET TAKEN
'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE.
IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33.

'CAUSE RIGHT HERE IS THE DATE.
IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33.
THAT'S OLD.

IT SAYS 4 APRIL, YEAR 33.
THAT'S OLD.
[LAUGHTER]

THAT'S OLD.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT?

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I

YOU KNOW WHAT?
HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I
PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200.

HE WANTED $500 FOR THIS, BUT I
PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200.
[LAUGHTER]

PRESBYTERIANED HIM DOWN TO $200.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE
THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR

WELL, IT SAYS HERE ALL OF THE
THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR
THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S

THINGS THAT THEY HAD THERE FOR
THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S
SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE

THAT BRUNCH, AND IT'S
SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE
JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX

SOMETHING... 12 LARGE ORANGE
JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX
AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES,

JUICE, 12 EGGS BENEDICT, 12 LOX
AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES,
ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE

AND CREAM CHEESE, 12 HOME FRIES,
ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE
MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND

ONE SOFT-BOILED EGG, THREE
MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND
ONE TEA.

MINUTES, AND THEN 12 COFFEE, AND
ONE TEA.
WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME

ONE TEA.
WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME
GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED

WELL, IT WAS PROBABLY THE SAME
GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED
EGG.

GUY THAT HAD THE SOFT-BOILED
EGG.
ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155

EGG.
ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155
SHEKELS.

ALL TOGETHER COMES HERE TO 155
SHEKELS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL

SHEKELS.
THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL
THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS.

THAT'S WHAT THEY USED TO CALL
THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS.
AND THIS IS SOMETHING.

THEIR MONEY THEN... SHEKELS.
AND THIS IS SOMETHING.
DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY

AND THIS IS SOMETHING.
DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY
FIGURED IT OUT.

DOWN HERE, YOU CAN SEE, SOMEBODY
FIGURED IT OUT.
THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO

FIGURED IT OUT.
THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO
155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE,

THEY HAVE, LIKE, 13 DIVIDED INTO
155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE,
11.92 SHEKELS EACH.

155, AND THEN IT COMES TO, LIKE,
11.92 SHEKELS EACH.
WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID

11.92 SHEKELS EACH.
WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID
HERE?

WELL, DO YOU SEE WHAT THEY DID
HERE?
THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD

HERE?
THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD
THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH

THEY MADE THE GUY THAT JUST HAD
THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH
AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF

THE EGG AND THE TEA PAY AS MUCH
AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF
THOSE THINGS.

AS ALL THOSE THAT ATE ALL OF
THOSE THINGS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THOSE THINGS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS
BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD,

AND, YOU SEE, EVEN THOUGH THIS
BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD,
THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE

BILL IS ALMOST 2,000 YEARS OLD,
THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE
LEARNED HERE.

THERE STILL IS A LESSON TO BE
LEARNED HERE.
IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A

LEARNED HERE.
IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A
RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP...

IF YOU EVER GO OUT TO EAT IN A
RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP...
YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER,

RESTAURANT WITH A BIG GROUP...
YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER,
WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE

YOU KNOW, BRUNCH, DINNER,
WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE
MOST EXPENSIVE THING.

WHATEVER... ALWAYS ORDER THE
MOST EXPENSIVE THING.
THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE

MOST EXPENSIVE THING.
THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE
BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU

THIS WAY, IF THEY DIVIDE UP THE
BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU
KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN

BILL LIKE THEY DID HERE, YOU
KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN
ADVANTAGE OF.

KNOW, YOU WON'T GET TAKEN
ADVANTAGE OF.
THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I

ADVANTAGE OF.
THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I
GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU

THAT'S A LITTLE FREE TIP THAT I
GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU
KNOW, FREE.

GIVE YOU FOR NOTHING... YOU
KNOW, FREE.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL

KNOW, FREE.
IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
TALKING WITH YOU.

IT WAS MORE THAN WONDERFUL
TALKING WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.

TALKING WITH YOU.
ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.
GRAZIE.

ARRIVEDERCI, AMERICA.
GRAZIE.
LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK

GRAZIE.
LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK
FATHER.

LET ME JUST TAKE THE CHECK
FATHER.
TAKE A LOOK AT.

FATHER.
TAKE A LOOK AT.
YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.

TAKE A LOOK AT.
YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.
THIS IS ON ME.

YOU'RE A MAN OF THE CLOTH.
THIS IS ON ME.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

THIS IS ON ME.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: TONIGHT,
"FAMILY CLASSICS" BEGINS ITS
SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A

"FAMILY CLASSICS" BEGINS ITS
SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A
NEW DICKENS NOVEL,

SECOND SEASON WITH PART ONE OF A
NEW DICKENS NOVEL,
"MILES COWPERTHWAITE."

"THE WRETCHED BIRTH,
MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY
PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND

MISERABLE CHILDHOOD, AGONIZINGLY
PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND
APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING

PAINFUL ADOLESCENCE, AND
APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING
DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE.

APPALLINGLY VILE AND DEGRADING
DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE.
CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN.

DEATH OF MILES COWPERTHWAITE.
CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN.
MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE,

CHAPTER ONE... I AM BORN.
MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE,
AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN.

MY NAME IS MILES COWPERTHWAITE,
AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN.
MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE

AND I AM, OF COURSE, AN ORPHAN.
MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE
I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A

MY FATHER DIED TWO YEARS BEFORE
I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A
YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR

I WAS BORN, AND MY MOTHER, A
YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR
AFTER THAT.

YEAR LATER, AND, AGAIN, A YEAR
AFTER THAT.
I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD,

AFTER THAT.
I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD,
STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED

I WAS FOUND, SO I'M TOLD,
STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED
TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR

STUFFED IN A BOTTLE AND STRAPPED
TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR
STOKE-ON-TRENT.

TO THE HULL OF A CESS BARGE NEAR
STOKE-ON-TRENT.
EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I

STOKE-ON-TRENT.
EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I
WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL

EACH DAY, MY LITTLE MATES AND I
WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL
SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA,

WENT DOWN TO MEET THE HOSPITAL
SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA,
WHERE WE WERE ALLOWED TO EAT ALL

SHIPS RETURNING FROM THE CRIMEA,
WHERE WE WERE ALLOWED TO EAT ALL
THE SOILED LINEN ON BOARD.

BUT DESPITE THE REGULAR MEALS, I

FELT AN INEXPLICABLE LONGING FOR

CHANGE, AND AT THE AGE OF 2, I

RAN AWAY TO CORNWALL, WHERE I

FOUND EMPLOYMENT PICKING THE

NOSES OF CORNISH FISHERMEN FOR A

FEW MUSSELS A WEEK.

IN THE HARD WINTER OF 1842, I

EARNED A FEW EXTRA PENNIES

FEEDING PARTS OF MY BODY TO

STARVING DOGS.

THEN, AT THE AGE OF 10, MY LIFE
TOOK AN ABRUPT TURN FOR THE
BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE

TOOK AN ABRUPT TURN FOR THE
BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE
INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A

BETTER WHEN I RECEIVED A NOTE
INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A
MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE

INVITING ME TO THE HOME OF A
MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE
NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE."

MYSTERIOUS BENEFACTOR IN THE
NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE."
WELL, WELL, WELL.

NORTHAMPTONSHIRE COUNTRYSIDE."
WELL, WELL, WELL.
GOD BLESS US ALL.

WELL, WELL, WELL.
GOD BLESS US ALL.
SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO

GOD BLESS US ALL.
SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO
HELP LORD PINKNEY.

SO, YOU'RE THE NEW BOY COME TO
HELP LORD PINKNEY.
IS THAT IT?

HELP LORD PINKNEY.
IS THAT IT?
WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS.

IS THAT IT?
WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS.
MY, MY.

WELL, LOTS OF MERCY, I GUESS.
MY, MY.
WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER,

MY, MY.
WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER,
AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE,

WELL, I'M PEG THE HOUSEKEEPER,
AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE,
JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR

AND IF YOU WANT TO GET ON HERE,
JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR
MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR

JUST SEE THAT YOU MIND YOUR
MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR
DUTIES.

MANNERS AND ATTEND TO YOUR
DUTIES.
BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM,

DUTIES.
BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM,
WHAT ARE MY DUTIES?

BEGGING YOU PARDON, MA'AM,
WHAT ARE MY DUTIES?
I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A

WHAT ARE MY DUTIES?
I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A
NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN.

I CAN COOK AND SING AND PICK A
NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN.
OH, WELL, I NEVER.

NOSE AS WELL AS ANY MAN.
OH, WELL, I NEVER.
WELL, JUST LISTEN.

OH, WELL, I NEVER.
WELL, JUST LISTEN.
YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY,

WELL, JUST LISTEN.
YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY,
IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST,

YOUR NEW MASTER, LORD PINKNEY,
IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST,
KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW

IS THE DEAREST, SWEETEST,
KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW
BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS

KINDEST MAN WHO EVER DREW
BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS
AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR

BREATH, BUT FOR ALL HIS KINDNESS
AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR
SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO

AND NOBILITY OF NATURE, THE POOR
SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO
SORRY AFFLICTIONS.

SOUL HAS BEEN VISITED WITH TWO
SORRY AFFLICTIONS.
ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY,

SORRY AFFLICTIONS.
ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY,
SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS

ONE, HE SALIVATES EXCESSIVELY,
SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS
WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET

SO MUCH SO THAT HE MUST ALWAYS
WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET
STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH

WEAR A SILVER DROOL BUCKET
STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH
THE FLOW.

STRAPPED TO HIS CHIN TO CATCH
THE FLOW.
TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC

THE FLOW.
TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC
NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES

TWO, HE SUFFERS FROM A RHYTHMIC
NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES
HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE

NERVOUS CONDITION WHICH CAUSES
HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE
THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER

HIM TO FALL INTO FITS WHERE HE
THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER
INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY

THRUSTS HIMSELF AGAINST OTHER
INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY
AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR

INDIVIDUALS, DRAPING HIS BODY
AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR
PERSONAL SPACES.

AROUND THEIRS AND INVADING THEIR
PERSONAL SPACES.
WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

PERSONAL SPACES.
WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW.

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW.
WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?

AH, THERE'S THE MASTER NOW.
WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME

WHERE ARE THE CHILDREN?
WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME
A FRESH DROOL BUCKET?

WILL SOMEONE PLEASE FETCH ME
A FRESH DROOL BUCKET?
AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE

A FRESH DROOL BUCKET?
AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE
YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR.

AH, LORD PINKNEY, HERE'S THE
YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR.
OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT?

YOUNG BOY, MILES, YOU SENT FOR.
OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT?
WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE.

OH, YOUNG MILES, IS IT?
WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE.
SIT DOWN, BOY.

WHAT A FINE LAD YOU ARE.
SIT DOWN, BOY.
SIT DOWN.

SIT DOWN, BOY.
SIT DOWN.
OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY,

SIT DOWN.
OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY,
YOU AND I.

OH, WE SHALL GET ON HANDSOMELY,
YOU AND I.
YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED

YOU AND I.
YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED
AND...

YOU SHALL BE CLOTHED AND FED
AND...
OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING.

AND...
OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING.
I HAVE THIS...

OH, DEAR, IT'S HAPPENING.
I HAVE THIS...
OH!

I HAVE THIS...
OH!
OH, DEAR!

OH!
OH, DEAR!
I'M SO SORRY.

OH, DEAR!
I'M SO SORRY.
OH, THANK YOU.

I'M SO SORRY.
OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

OH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY

THANK YOU.
THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY
HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR

THAT WAS A BLOW THAT COULD ONLY
HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR
MISS PEG.

HAVE BEEN DELIVERED BY MY DEAR
MISS PEG.
OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE

MISS PEG.
OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE
SPOT.

OH, DEAR PEG, YOU KNOW JUST THE
SPOT.
FETCH AFTER FRESH DROOL BUCKET.

OH, THANK YOU, MISS PEG.
"AS THE DAYS PASSED, I
QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE

"AS THE DAYS PASSED, I
QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE
ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL.

QUICKLY BECAME ACCUSTOMED TO THE
ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL.
EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL

ROUTINE OF LIFE AT PINKNEY HALL.
EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL
BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES,

EMPTYING THE MASTER'S DROOL
BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES,
WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL

BUCKETS INTO THE DROOL SLUICES,
WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL
RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY

WHICH FED INTO THE DROOL
RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY
TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET

RESERVOIRS, TOOK UP MUCH OF MY
TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET
TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY

TIME, BUT, SADLY, I WAS NOT YET
TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT

TRUSTED WITH THE RESPONSIBILITY
OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT
THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND

OF HELPING MISS PEG TO WRING OUT
THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND
HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS

THE NAPKINS, PILLOWS, AND
HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS
STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS

HASSOCKS THAT WERE ALWAYS
STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS
LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS.

STAINED AND SOAKED WITH HIS
LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS.
THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE

LORDSHIP'S DRIBBLINGS.
THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE
INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE

THEN, ONE DAY, WHILE
INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE
LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED

INVESTIGATING A PROBLEM WITH THE
LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED
THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM

LOCKED GATES WHICH CONTROLLED
THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM
THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE

THE DROOL IRRIGATION SYSTEM
THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE
GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF

THAT WATERED THE VEGETABLE
GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF
THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I

GARDEN, I ENTERED THE COTTAGE OF
THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I
MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY.

THE GROUNDSKEEPER, TOM, WHERE I
MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY.
IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST

MADE A MOST UNUSUAL DISCOVERY.
IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN.

IT WAS A LITTLE GIRL... THE MOST
BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN.
I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS

BEAUTIFUL GIRL I'D EVER SEEN.
I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS
LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE

I LEARNED THAT HER NAME WAS
LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE
OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT

LITTLE KATE, THE DAUGHTER OF ONE
OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT
SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD

OF THE GROUNDSKEEPERS, AND THAT
SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD
BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE

SHE WAS DYING... INDEED, HAD
BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE
COULD REMEMBER.

BEEN DYING FOR AS LONG AS ANYONE
COULD REMEMBER.
I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME

COULD REMEMBER.
I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME
CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT

I ASKED IF THERE WEREN'T SOME
CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT
MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT

CHANCE SHE MIGHT RECOVER, BUT
MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT
WAS USELESS.

MISS PEG EXPLAINED TO ME THAT IT
WAS USELESS.
ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME

WAS USELESS.
ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME
WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN

ALL THE GROUNDSKEEPERS AND GAME
WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN
CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS

WARDENS IN ENGLAND HAD BEEN
CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS
UNANIMOUS.

CONSULTED, AND THE VERDICT WAS
UNANIMOUS.
ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER.

UNANIMOUS.
ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER.
BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS

ONLY A DOCTOR COULD SAVE HER.
BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS
KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN."

BUT LORD PINKNEY, IN HIS
KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN."
OH, LITTLE KATE.

KINDNESS, VISITED HER OFTEN."
OH, LITTLE KATE.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR

OH, LITTLE KATE.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR
LORDSHIP.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, YOUR
LORDSHIP.
DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE

LORDSHIP.
DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE
WILL LIVE?

DO YOU THINK THAT LITTLE KATE
WILL LIVE?
OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH

WILL LIVE?
OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH
YOU.

OH, TOM, I MUST BE FRANK WITH
YOU.
LITTLE KATE IS DYING.

YOU.
LITTLE KATE IS DYING.
WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS

LITTLE KATE IS DYING.
WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS
COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN.

WE MUST ALL TRY TO MAKE HER AS
COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN.
WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE

COMFORTABLE AS WE CAN.
WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE
DEAD ALREADY.

WHY, FOR ALL WE KNOW, SHE MAY BE
DEAD ALREADY.
NO, YOUR LORDSHIP.

DEAD ALREADY.
NO, YOUR LORDSHIP.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL

NO, YOUR LORDSHIP.
BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL
CLINGING TO LIFE.

BEGGING YOUR PARDON, I'M STILL
CLINGING TO LIFE.
YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE

CLINGING TO LIFE.
YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE
SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND

YOUR LORDSHIP, I HAVE MADE
SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND
THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS

SOME INQUIRIES, AND I HAVE FOUND
THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS
IN THE TOWN.

THAT THERE ARE SEVERAL DOCTORS
IN THE TOWN.
PERHAPS...

IN THE TOWN.
PERHAPS...
OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS

PERHAPS...
OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS
DYING.

OH, TOM, LITTLE KATE IS
DYING.
SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND

DYING.
SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND
SO MUST WE.

SHE HAS ACCEPTED THAT FACT, AND
SO MUST WE.
BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A

SO MUST WE.
BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A
MILE FROM HERE.

BUT THE VILLAGE IS ONLY A
MILE FROM HERE.
I COULD WALK THERE.

MILE FROM HERE.
I COULD WALK THERE.
HE'S RIGHT, FATHER.

I COULD WALK THERE.
HE'S RIGHT, FATHER.
DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY

HE'S RIGHT, FATHER.
DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY
ACCOUNT.

DON'T TROUBLE YOURSELF ON MY
ACCOUNT.
ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON

ACCOUNT.
ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON
I'LL BE WITH MOTHER.

ALL I WANT IS TO REST, AND SOON
I'LL BE WITH MOTHER.
GOD BLESS US.

I'LL BE WITH MOTHER.
GOD BLESS US.
OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS

GOD BLESS US.
OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS
LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO

OH, WHEN I SEE THE WAY THIS
LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO
THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW

LITTLE LAMB RESIGNS HERSELF TO
THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW
VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN

THE DIVINE WILL, I THINK OF HOW
VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN
AFFLICTIONS.

VILE I AM TO COMPLAIN OF MY OWN
AFFLICTIONS.
THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT...

AFFLICTIONS.
THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT...
OH, NO.

THIS FRAIL LITTLE SPIRIT...
OH, NO.
OH. OH!

OH, NO.
OH. OH!
I'M SO SORRY, KATE.

OH. OH!
I'M SO SORRY, KATE.
OH. OH.

I'M SO SORRY, KATE.
OH. OH.
MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR

OH. OH.
MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR
LORDSHIP'S PARDON.

MY LORDSHIP, BEGGING YOUR
LORDSHIP'S PARDON.
LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND

LORDSHIP'S PARDON.
LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND
YOU'RE INVADING IT.

LITTLE KATE NEEDS HER SPACE, AND
YOU'RE INVADING IT.
I CAN'T HELP IT.

YOU'RE INVADING IT.
I CAN'T HELP IT.
OH. OH. OH.

I CAN'T HELP IT.
OH. OH. OH.
OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU.

OH. OH. OH.
OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU.
KATE.

OH, THANK... THANK... THANK YOU.
KATE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT

KATE.
I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT
IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME

I'M SORRY, YOUR LORDSHIP, BUT
IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO BREATHE.

IT WAS GETTING DIFFICULT FOR ME
TO BREATHE.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR,

TO BREATHE.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
DEAR LITTLE KATE.

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT, DEAR,
DEAR LITTLE KATE.
"THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S

DEAR LITTLE KATE.
"THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S
FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE

"THE GOODNESS IN KATE'S
FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE
THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER

FRAIL, LITTLE BEING SHONE
THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER
AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER

THROUGH THE VEIL OF HER
AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER
FROM THE FIRST.

AFFLICTION AND MADE ME LOVE HER
FROM THE FIRST.
I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY

FROM THE FIRST.
I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY
SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN

I WAS NOW HAPPIER IN MY
SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN
AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT

SITUATION THAN I HAD EVER BEEN
AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT
IN MY DUTIES.

AND GROWING EVER MORE PROFICIENT
IN MY DUTIES.
THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE

IN MY DUTIES.
THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE
NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED

THE COLONEL'S DROOL BUCKETS WERE
NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED
TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A

NEVER CLEANER, AND I HAD LEARNED
TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A
SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I

TO CONTROL HIS SPASMS WITH A
SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I
ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT

SINGLE BLOW FROM A MALLET I
ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT
SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER

ALWAYS CARRIED AT MY SIDE, BUT
SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER
LAST."

SUCH HAPPINESS COULD NEVER
LAST."
THANK YOU.

LAST."
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY.
DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE,

THANK YOU, MILES, MY BOY.
DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE,
YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD

DISAGREEABLE AS YOUR JOB MAY BE,
YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD
HEART.

YOU PERFORM IT WITH A GOOD
HEART.
OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO

HEART.
OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO
LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING

OH, BUT, SIR, I'VE GROWN TO
LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING
PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS,

LOVE HANDLING HUGE, SLOSHING
PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS,
EVIL-SMELLING DROOL.

PAILS OF YOUR VISCOUS,
EVIL-SMELLING DROOL.
GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT,

EVIL-SMELLING DROOL.
GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT,
NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE.

GOD BLESS YOU, MY BOY, BUT,
NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE.
THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR

NO, YOU MUST LEARN A REAL TRADE.
THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR
YOU TO LEAVE US, AND,

THE TIME HAS COME, MILES, FOR
YOU TO LEAVE US, AND,
ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR

YOU TO LEAVE US, AND,
ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR
YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER.

ACCORDINGLY, I HAVE ARRANGED FOR
YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER.
CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP

YOU TO MEET YOUR NEW MASTER.
CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP
INSIDE, PLEASE?

CAPTAIN NED, WOULD YOU STEP
INSIDE, PLEASE?
CAPTAIN NED.

INSIDE, PLEASE?
CAPTAIN NED.
MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW

CAPTAIN NED.
MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW
MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS

MILES, YOU MAY MEET YOUR NEW
MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS
MATE, HODO.

MASTER, CAPTAIN NED, AND HIS
MATE, HODO.
AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN

MATE, HODO.
AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN
BOY.

AYE, HE'LL MAKE A FIND CABIN
BOY.
OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM

BOY.
OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM
WITH US.

OH, PLEASE, LET'S TAKE HIM
WITH US.
OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH

WITH US.
OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH
US.

OF COURSE WE'LL TAKE HIM WITH
US.
WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A

US.
WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A
MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL

WE'LL MAKE A MAN OUT OF HIM... A
MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL
GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE

MAN AMONG MEN, A MAN WHO WILL
GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE
COMPANY OF OTHER MEN.

GROW AND UNDERSTAND AND NEED THE
COMPANY OF OTHER MEN.
HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY

COMPANY OF OTHER MEN.
HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY
MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A

HE'LL SEE A MAN'S WORLD THE WAY
MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A
MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER

MEN SEE IT, WITH THE EYES OF A
MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER
MEN.

MAN AND A MAN'S SHIP WITH OTHER
MEN.
MYKONOS, KEY WEST,

MEN.
MYKONOS, KEY WEST,
SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT

MYKONOS, KEY WEST,
SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT
ALL.

SAN FRANCISCO... HE'LL SEE IT
ALL.
MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE!

ALL.
MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE!
[LAUGHS]

MAN'S PORTS... EVERY ONE!
[LAUGHS]
CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL

[LAUGHS]
CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL
FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A

CAPTAIN NED, I AM SURE YOU'LL
FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A
HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED

FIND YOUNG MILES TO BE A
HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED
COMPANION.

HARDWORKING AND DEDICATED
COMPANION.
YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO

COMPANION.
YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO
GOOD-LOOKING.

YOU KNOW, HE'S ALMOST TOO
GOOD-LOOKING.
YES, HE IS.

GOOD-LOOKING.
YES, HE IS.
OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL

YES, HE IS.
OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL
MISS YOU.

OH, WELL, MILES, WE SHALL ALL
MISS YOU.
WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU.

MISS YOU.
WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU.
YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND

WE SHALL ALL MISS YOU.
YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND
TO ME AND LITTLE KATE.

YES, MILES, YOU'VE BEEN SO KIND
TO ME AND LITTLE KATE.
WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.

TO ME AND LITTLE KATE.
WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND,

WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU.
I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND,
LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK

I'LL MISS ALL OF YOU, AND,
LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK
FOR YOU.

LITTLE MISS KATE, I'LL COME BACK
FOR YOU.
YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT,

FOR YOU.
YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT,
LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD

YEAH, IT'S A FINE THOUGHT,
LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD
BY THEN.

LAD, BUT I'M SURE SHE'LL BE DEAD
BY THEN.
OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD.

BY THEN.
OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD.
GOD BLESS US.

OH, MY, YES, STONE DEAD.
GOD BLESS US.
OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL,

GOD BLESS US.
OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL,
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.

OH, YES, DEAD AS A DOORNAIL,
BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME.

BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME.
OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME.
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!

OH, DEAR, I'M SO OVERCOME.
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.

OH! OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, ONE AND ALL.
THANK YOU.
"AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF

THANK YOU.
"AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF
PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD,

"AND SO, AFTER YEARS OF
PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD,
I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME,

PAINFUL EXPERIENCE OF THE WORLD,
I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME,
ONLY TO LOSE IT.

I FOUND HAPPINESS FOR A TIME,
ONLY TO LOSE IT.
OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED

ONLY TO LOSE IT.
OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED
AND HODO ABOARD

OF MY TRAVELS WITH CAPTAIN NED
AND HODO ABOARD
THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER

AND HODO ABOARD
THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER
SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER,

THE RAGING QUEEN, THE READER
SHALL LEARN IN MY NEXT CHAPTER,
'I AM NAILED TO THE HULL.'"

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
THE DOOBIE BROTHERS.
[APPLAUSE]

THE DOOBIE BROTHERS.
[APPLAUSE]
["TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS"

[APPLAUSE]
["TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS"
PLAYS]

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW ME,
BUT I'M YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS

BUT I'M YOUR BROTHER ♪
♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS
LIVING HELL ♪

♪ I WAS RAISED HERE IN THIS
LIVING HELL ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN

LIVING HELL ♪
♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN
YOUR WORLD ♪

♪ YOU DON'T KNOW MY KIND IN
YOUR WORLD ♪
♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪

YOUR WORLD ♪
♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪
♪ YOU ♪

♪ FAIRLY SOON TIME WILL TELL ♪
♪ YOU ♪
♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS

♪ YOU ♪
♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS
YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪

♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS
YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪
♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪

YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪
♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK

♪ NO, I AIN'T BLIND ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK
I SEE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK
I SEE ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

I SEE ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO
MY BROTHER ♪

♪ TAKE THIS MESSAGE TO
MY BROTHER ♪
♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪

MY BROTHER ♪
♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE

♪ YOU WILL FIND HIM EVERYWHERE ♪
♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE
TOGETHER ♪

♪ WHEREVER PEOPLE LIVE
TOGETHER ♪
♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪

TOGETHER ♪
♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪
♪ OH, YOU ♪

♪ TIED IN POVERTY'S DESPAIR ♪
♪ OH, YOU ♪
♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS

♪ OH, YOU ♪
♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS
YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪

♪ TELLING ME THE THINGS
YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪
♪ NO, NOW ♪

YOU'RE GONNA DO FOR ME ♪
♪ NO, NOW ♪
♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪

♪ NO, NOW ♪
♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK

♪ I AIN'T BLIND ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK
I SEE ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE WHAT I THINK
I SEE ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

I SEE ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO, NOW ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO, NOW ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ NO, NOW ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE... ♪
[ELECTRIC-GUITAR SOLO]

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪

♪ WE'RE TAKIN' IT TO
THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪

THE STREETS ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR RUNNING ♪
♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO MORE NEED FOR HIDING ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT, TAKIN' IT ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪

♪ TAKIN' MY BROTHER ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE STREETS ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE...

♪ YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE...
WHOO ♪

♪ TAKIN' IT TO THE...
WHOO ♪
♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪

WHOO ♪
♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪
YEAH!

♪ WHOO OOH-OOH-OOH-HOO ♪
YEAH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.

HELLO, AND WELCOME TO
"NAME THE BATS," WHERE
EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME

"NAME THE BATS," WHERE
EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME
BASIS... NO LAST NAMES.

EVERYBODY'S ON A FIRST-NAME
BASIS... NO LAST NAMES.
AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS.

BASIS... NO LAST NAMES.
AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS.
H-HELLO.

AND HELLO TO OUR CONTESTANTS.
H-HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?

H-HELLO.
HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?

HOW ARE YOU?
WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE.

WHAT ARE YOUR NAMES?
NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE.
MY NAME IS JOAN.

NO LAST NAMES, PLEASE.
MY NAME IS JOAN.
I'M STEVE.

MY NAME IS JOAN.
I'M STEVE.
GREAT.

I'M STEVE.
GREAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?

GREAT.
DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
YOU'RE THE HOST.

DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?
YOU'RE THE HOST.
CLOSE ENOUGH.

YOU'RE THE HOST.
CLOSE ENOUGH.
IT'S JERRY.

CLOSE ENOUGH.
IT'S JERRY.
THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE

IT'S JERRY.
THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE
SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES

THIS IS "NAME THE BATS," THE
SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES
THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER

SHOW WHERE EVERYBODY LEAVES
THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER
PANTS.

THEIR LAST NAMES IN THEIR OTHER
PANTS.
NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY

PANTS.
NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY
TO PLAY?

NOW... HA HA HA... ARE YOU READY
TO PLAY?
ARE WE?

TO PLAY?
ARE WE?
OKAY.

ARE WE?
OKAY.
YES. WE ARE.

OKAY.
YES. WE ARE.
WE SURE ARE.

YES. WE ARE.
WE SURE ARE.
NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN

WE SURE ARE.
NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN
HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE

NOW YOU BOTH GO INTO THE BARN
HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE
BATS THAT ARE IN THERE.

HERE AND START NAMING ALL THE
BATS THAT ARE IN THERE.
YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU

BATS THAT ARE IN THERE.
YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU
CAN NAME.

YOU GET $180 FOR EVERY BAT YOU
CAN NAME.
ALL RIGHT.

CAN NAME.
ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU READY?

ALL RIGHT.
ARE YOU READY?
YES. WE ARE.

ARE YOU READY?
YES. WE ARE.
WE CERTAINLY ARE.

YES. WE ARE.
WE CERTAINLY ARE.
OKAY.

WE CERTAINLY ARE.
OKAY.
IN YOU GO.

OKAY.
IN YOU GO.
AND START NAMING THE BATS!

IN YOU GO.
AND START NAMING THE BATS!
THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE.

AND START NAMING THE BATS!
THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE.
I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS.

THERE ARE NO BATS IN HERE.
I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS.
AAAAAH!

I CAN'T SEE ANY BATS.
AAAAAH!
[BATS SCREECHING]

AAAAAH!
[BATS SCREECHING]
CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?!

[BATS SCREECHING]
CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?!
YEAH, YEAH!

CAN YOU SEE THEM NOW?!
YEAH, YEAH!
WE CAN SEE THEM!

YEAH, YEAH!
WE CAN SEE THEM!
GOOD GOD!

WE CAN SEE THEM!
GOOD GOD!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!

GOOD GOD!
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!
AAAAH!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY!
AAAAH!
THE TIME IS RUNNING!

AAAAH!
THE TIME IS RUNNING!
START NAMING THE BATS!

THE TIME IS RUNNING!
START NAMING THE BATS!
OH, NO!

START NAMING THE BATS!
OH, NO!
HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!

OH, NO!
HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!
IT'S IN MY HAIR!

HOLD STILL! HOLD STILL!
IT'S IN MY HAIR!
GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!

IT'S IN MY HAIR!
GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!
JUST HOLD STILL!

GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!
JUST HOLD STILL!
I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT

JUST HOLD STILL!
I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT
IS!

I GOT TO SEE WHAT KIND OF BAT IT
IS!
COME ON, YOU TWO!

IS!
COME ON, YOU TWO!
COME ON!

COME ON, YOU TWO!
COME ON!
START NAMING THE BATS!

COME ON!
START NAMING THE BATS!
GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!

START NAMING THE BATS!
GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!
IT'S A FRUIT BAT!

GET IT OUT OF MY HAIR!
IT'S A FRUIT BAT!
PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT!

IT'S A FRUIT BAT!
PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT!
OH, MY GOD!

PUT US DOWN FOR A FRUIT BAT!
OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT!

OH, MY GOD!
THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT!
NO, THERE YOU GO!

THERE'S A VAMPIRE BAT!
NO, THERE YOU GO!
NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME

NO, THERE YOU GO!
NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME
WRONG!

NO, YOU'RE PLAYING THE GAME
WRONG!
WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?!

WRONG!
WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING

WHERE THE HELL DID IT GO?!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING
IT WRONG?!

WHAT DO YOU MEAN WE'RE PLAYING
IT WRONG?!
WATCH OUT!

IT WRONG?!
WATCH OUT!
OW!

WATCH OUT!
OW!
AAAAAAH!

OW!
AAAAAAH!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE

AAAAAAH!
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE
BATS!

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO NAME THE
BATS!
DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS

BATS!
DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS
THEY ARE!

DON'T TELL US WHAT KIND OF BATS
THEY ARE!
WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY

THEY ARE!
WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY
ARE!

WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF BATS THEY
ARE!
WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN

ARE!
WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN
THERE?!

WHO DO YOU THINK PUT THEM IN
THERE?!
COME ON!

THERE?!
COME ON!
JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES!

COME ON!
JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES!
LET US OUT OF HERE!

JUST START GIVING THEM NAMES!
LET US OUT OF HERE!
YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE

LET US OUT OF HERE!
YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE
THESE BATS NAMES?!

YOU MEAN WE HAVE TO GIVE
THESE BATS NAMES?!
WATCH OUT!

THESE BATS NAMES?!
WATCH OUT!
COME ON, COME ON!

WATCH OUT!
COME ON, COME ON!
REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO

COME ON, COME ON!
REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO
FANCY!

REGULAR NAMES... NOTHING TOO
FANCY!
NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!

FANCY!
NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!
WE WON'T DO IT!

NAMES THAT PEOPLE KNOW!
WE WON'T DO IT!
OPEN THE DOOR!

WE WON'T DO IT!
OPEN THE DOOR!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,

OPEN THE DOOR!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
OKAY.
[PANTING]

WELL, YOU SURE MADE A MESS OF
OUR CUBICLE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

OUR CUBICLE.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T
WIN THE BIG MONEY.

TOO BAD, TOO BAD... YOU DIDN'T
WIN THE BIG MONEY.
YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE

WIN THE BIG MONEY.
YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE
RULES.

YOU HAD SOME TROUBLE WITH THE
RULES.
IT'S A SHAME.

RULES.
IT'S A SHAME.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S

IT'S A SHAME.
IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S
PLAYED WELL.

IT'S A BEAUTIFUL GAME WHEN IT'S
PLAYED WELL.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO

PLAYED WELL.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO
HOME EMPTY-HANDED.

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA LET YOU GO
HOME EMPTY-HANDED.
NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE

HOME EMPTY-HANDED.
NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE
A HOME VERSION OF

NATURALLY ENOUGH, WE DON'T HAVE
A HOME VERSION OF
"NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE

A HOME VERSION OF
"NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE
YOU...

"NAME THE BATS," BUT WE CAN GIVE
YOU...
TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!

YOU...
TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!
GET IN THERE!

TWO MORE MINUTES WITH THE BATS!
GET IN THERE!
IN YOU GO!

GET IN THERE!
IN YOU GO!
COME ON!

IN YOU GO!
COME ON!
GO!

COME ON!
GO!
COME ON, NAME THEM!

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE
SHOW.

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME TO THE
SHOW.
NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE

SHOW.
NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
FAMILIAR WITH

NOW, THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE
FAMILIAR WITH
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW"

FAMILIAR WITH
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW"
KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW"
KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE
INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST

KNOW THAT BOTH AL AND I ARE
INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
REVOLUTIONARIES.

INTERNATIONAL COMMUNIST
REVOLUTIONARIES.
THANK YOU.

REVOLUTIONARIES.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS
TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A

AND OUR SPECIAL GUEST STARS
TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A
THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT

TONIGHT... AND THIS IS QUITE A
THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT
SUPERSTARS.

THRILL... ARE TWO GIANT
SUPERSTARS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE

SUPERSTARS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, PLEASE
WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND
GILDA RADNER.

WELCOME LARAINE NEWMAN AND
GILDA RADNER.
YEAH!

GILDA RADNER.
YEAH!
YEAH!

YEAH!
YEAH!
COME ON! YEAH!

YEAH!
COME ON! YEAH!
COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS.

COME ON! YEAH!
COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS.
HI.

COME ON OUT HERE, GIRLS.
HI.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.

HI.
WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANKS, TOM.

WELCOME TO THE SHOW.
THANKS, TOM.
THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS.

THANKS, TOM.
THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS.
THANK YOU, GUYS.

THANKS FOR COMING ON, GIRLS.
THANK YOU, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU, GUYS.
YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO

YOU KNOW, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO
DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE

WHEN LARAINE AND I WERE ASKED TO
DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE
CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL,

DO THE SHOW, WE JUMPED AT THE
CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL,
LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD

CHANCE BECAUSE, LIKE TOM AND AL,
LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD
THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD

LARAINE AND I ARE WORKING TOWARD
THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD
WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST

THE DAY WHEN THE ENTIRE WORLD
WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST
GOVERNMENT.

WILL BE RULED BY ONE MARXIST
GOVERNMENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOVERNMENT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN
ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT

AND I THINK WE ALL AGREE THAT IN
ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT
REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL

ORDER FOR THE PROLETARIAT
REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL
HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE

REVOLUTION TO SUCCEED, WE'LL
HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE
THINGS WORSE.

HAVE TO ALL PITCH IN TO MAKE
THINGS WORSE.
YEAH.

THINGS WORSE.
YEAH.
WELL SAID.

YEAH.
WELL SAID.
ALL RIGHT.

WELL SAID.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE.

THANK YOU.
THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE.
NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S

THAT'S WONDERFUL, LARAINE.
NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S
SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE

NOW, THAT'S WHY ON TONIGHT'S
SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE
FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY

SHOW, WE'RE GOING TO PRESENT THE
FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY
FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT

FIRST PORNOGRAPHY MADE EXPRESSLY
FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT
THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR

FOR TELEVISION TO HELP CORRUPT
THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR
IMPERIALIST CULTURE.

THE MORAL FIBER OF OUR
IMPERIALIST CULTURE.
PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY,

IMPERIALIST CULTURE.
PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY,
WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF

PERHAPS IN OUR OWN SMALL WAY,
WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF
OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR

WE CAN HASTEN THE COLLAPSE OF
OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR
THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION.

OUR CULTURE AND HELP TO CLEAR
THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION.
SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY

THE WAY FOR THE REVOLUTION.
SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY
IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE

SO, IF YOU HAVE ANY
IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE
ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE,

IMPRESSIONABLE CHILDREN WHO ARE
ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE,
AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO

ASLEEP, WAKE THEM UP, PLEASE,
AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO
DALLAS STADIUM.

AND JOIN US NOW AS WE GO TO
DALLAS STADIUM.
COME ON.

[BUZZER]
YEAH.
Coach Laundry, there are two

YEAH.
Coach Laundry, there are two
sisters here who'd like to talk

Coach Laundry, there are two
sisters here who'd like to talk
to you about being cheerleaders.

Sisters here who'd like to talk
to you about being cheerleaders.
OKAY.

To you about being cheerleaders.
OKAY.
SEND THEM IN.

OKAY.
SEND THEM IN.
NO INTERRUPTIONS.

SEND THEM IN.
NO INTERRUPTIONS.
[Southern accent] HI.

NO INTERRUPTIONS.
[Southern accent] HI.
YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY.

[Southern accent] HI.
YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY.
YEAH.

YOU MUST BE COACH LAUNDRY.
YEAH.
SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME

YEAH.
SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME
"DIRTY LAUNDRY."

SOMETIMES THEY CALL ME
"DIRTY LAUNDRY."
[GIGGLES]

"DIRTY LAUNDRY."
[GIGGLES]
WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME

[GIGGLES]
WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME
DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND

WE'D DO ANYTHING TO BECOME
DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND
I MEAN ANYTHING.

DALLAS COWBOY CHEERLEADERS, AND
I MEAN ANYTHING.
ANYTHING?

I MEAN ANYTHING.
ANYTHING?
THAT'S RIGHT.

ANYTHING?
THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY

THAT'S RIGHT.
HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY
BACK?

HOW ABOUT EVEN RUBBING MY
BACK?
OH, SURE.

BACK?
OH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS

OH, SURE.
YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS
IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH

YOU KNOW, OUR FANTASY AS SISTERS
IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH
AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME

IS TO RUB THE BACKS OF A COACH
AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME
TIME.

AND FOOTBALL PLAYER AT THE SAME
TIME.
HMM.

TIME.
HMM.
MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL

HMM.
MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL
THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE?

MISS WELCH, IS JACKIE WADD STILL
THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE?
Why, yes.

THERE IN THE OUTER OFFICE?
Why, yes.
SEND HIM IN.

Why, yes.
SEND HIM IN.
JACKIE WADD... HE'S ONE OF

SEND HIM IN.
JACKIE WADD... HE'S ONE OF
THE BIGGEST BACKS IN FOOTBALL.

SORRY I DROPPED THAT PASS IN
THE END ZONE, COACH.
OH, FORGET ABOUT THE

THE END ZONE, COACH.
OH, FORGET ABOUT THE
SUPER BOWL, JACKIE.

OH, FORGET ABOUT THE
SUPER BOWL, JACKIE.
WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE

SUPER BOWL, JACKIE.
WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE
THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED

WE'RE GONNA RUB YOUR BACKS LIKE
THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED
BEFORE.

THEY'VE NEVER BEEN RUBBED
BEFORE.
OH, GOD!

BEFORE.
OH, GOD!
OH, GREAT.

OH, GOD!
OH, GREAT.
JUST GET ON THAT COACH,

OH, GREAT.
JUST GET ON THAT COACH,
HONEY.

JUST GET ON THAT COACH,
HONEY.
GREAT.

HONEY.
GREAT.
OH, COME ON.

GREAT.
OH, COME ON.
OH.

OH, COME ON.
OH.
HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK?

OH.
HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK?
OKAY.

HOW ABOUT ON THE DESK?
OKAY.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

OKAY.
[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]
[GROANING]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]
[GROANING]
THAT FEELS GOOD.

[GROANING]
THAT FEELS GOOD.
OH, A LITTLE SLOWER.

THAT FEELS GOOD.
OH, A LITTLE SLOWER.
THAT'S IT.

OH, A LITTLE SLOWER.
THAT'S IT.
OH, YEAH!

THAT'S IT.
OH, YEAH!
OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT!

OH, YEAH!
OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT!
OH, YEAH!

OH, YOUR BACK IS HOT!
OH, YEAH!
OH, WATCH THE NAILS.

OH, YEAH!
OH, WATCH THE NAILS.
OH!

OH, WATCH THE NAILS.
OH!
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD!

OH!
OH, THAT FEELS GOOD!
I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING

OH, THAT FEELS GOOD!
I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING
REALLY UNUSUAL.

I'M GOING TO TRY SOMETHING
REALLY UNUSUAL.
I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS.

REALLY UNUSUAL.
I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS.
OKAY, BABY.

I WANT TO HOLD YOUR WINGS.
OKAY, BABY.
WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH!

OKAY, BABY.
WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH!
OH!

WHATEVER YOU... OH, YEAH!
OH!
OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

OH!
OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OOH! CRACK ME.

OH, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.
OOH! CRACK ME.
CRACK ME. OH!

OOH! CRACK ME.
CRACK ME. OH!
[BONES CRACKING]

CRACK ME. OH!
[BONES CRACKING]
OH, YEAH.

[BONES CRACKING]
OH, YEAH.
HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.

OH, YEAH.
HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER

HEY, I'VE GOT AN IDEA.
WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER
RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND

WHY DON'T YOU AND YOUR SISTER
RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND
WE'LL WATCH?

RUB EACH OTHERS' BACKS, AND
WE'LL WATCH?
Both: OKAY.

WE'LL WATCH?
Both: OKAY.
OH!

Both: OKAY.
OH!
OH!

OH!
OH!
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE

OH!
HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE
OF THESE?

HEY, YOU KNOW HOW TO USE ONE
OF THESE?
I DON'T KNOW.

OF THESE?
I DON'T KNOW.
GIVE IT A TRY.

I DON'T KNOW.
GIVE IT A TRY.
OH!

GIVE IT A TRY.
OH!
OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER.

OH!
OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER.
OH!

OH, SCRATCH ME ALL OVER.
OH!
HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN

OH!
HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN
THERE.

HEY, LET... LET ME GET IN
THERE.
OH!

THERE.
OH!
OH, YEAH!

OH!
OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH!
OH, YEAH!
All: [GROANING]

OH, YEAH!
All: [GROANING]
OH, BABY!

Announcer: AL AND TOM WILL BE
RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS MESSAGE
FROM THE COMMUNIST PARTY.

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
[APPLAUSE]
Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

[APPLAUSE]
Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.

Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.
GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.

GOOD NIGHT.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.

THANKS FOR WATCHING.
THANKS FOR WATCHING.
GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY.

AND NOW FOR SOMETHING WE
DON'T HAVE IN ENGLAND,
"THE MR. BILL SHOW."

Announcer: SAY, KIDS, IT'S
TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HOO-HOO!

TIME FOR "THE MR. BILL SHOW."
HOO-HOO!
KIDDIES!

HOO-HOO!
KIDDIES!
HEY, HEY!

KIDDIES!
HEY, HEY!
OH, BOY.

HEY, HEY!
OH, BOY.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL

OH, BOY.
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL
AGAIN.

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU ALL
AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

AGAIN.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE

[DOORBELL RINGS]
SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE
WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH?

SAY, MR. HANDS, COULD YOU SEE
WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH?
SURE.

WHO'S AT THE DOOR, HUH?
SURE.
SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS

SURE.
SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS
SUMMONS.

SAY, A MESSENGER BROUGHT THIS
SUMMONS.
WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH?

SUMMONS.
WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH?
IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE

WELL, WHAT DOES IT SAY, HUH?
IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE
BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE

IT SAYS HERE THAT YOU'RE
BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE
YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE

BEING SUED BY MR. SLUGGO BECAUSE
YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE
LEG AND HAS RABIES.

YOUR DOG, SPOT, BIT HIM ON THE
LEG AND HAS RABIES.
OH, NO.

LEG AND HAS RABIES.
OH, NO.
BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY.

OH, NO.
BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW THAT.

BUT SPOT WOULDN'T BITE ANYBODY.
YOU KNOW THAT.
SORRY, MR. BILL.

YOU KNOW THAT.
SORRY, MR. BILL.
BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT.

SORRY, MR. BILL.
BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT.
OHH!

BUT WE HAVE TO GO TO COURT.
OHH!
BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE

OHH!
BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE
YOUR ATTORNEY.

BUT DON'T WORRY... I'LL BE
YOUR ATTORNEY.
OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE

YOUR ATTORNEY.
OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE
TO GO TO COURT TODAY.

OKAY, KIDS, I GUESS WE HAVE
TO GO TO COURT TODAY.
OH, NO!

TO GO TO COURT TODAY.
OH, NO!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.

OH, NO!
HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS

HEAR YE, HEAR YE.
THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS
HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO

THE HONORABLE JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS
HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO
APPROACH THE BENCH.

HE WANTS THE DEFENDANT TO
APPROACH THE BENCH.
OH, NO.

APPROACH THE BENCH.
OH, NO.
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME,

OH, NO.
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME,
MR. HANDS.

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO ME,
MR. HANDS.
NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST

MR. HANDS.
NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST
COME TO A...

NOW HE SAYS THE COURT MUST
COME TO A...
OH!

COME TO A...
OH!
NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD

OH!
NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD
LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS

NOW, FIRST, THE DEFENSE WOULD
LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS
STAND MR. SPOT.

LIKE TO CALL TO THE WITNESS
STAND MR. SPOT.
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

STAND MR. SPOT.
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
HEY, SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
HEY, SPOT!
HEY, HEY!

HEY, SPOT!
HEY, HEY!
HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT?

HEY, HEY!
HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT?
NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST

HOW YOU DOING, HUH, SPOT?
NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST
LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT

NOW, THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST
LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT
HAVE RABIES.

LIKE TO PROVE THAT SPOT DOES NOT
HAVE RABIES.
YEAH.

HAVE RABIES.
YEAH.
I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST.

YEAH.
I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST.
OH, NO!

I'LL TAKE A BLOOD TEST.
OH, NO!
DON'T DO THAT TO HIM!

OH, NO!
DON'T DO THAT TO HIM!
DON'T... DON'T!

DON'T DO THAT TO HIM!
DON'T... DON'T!
OH!

DON'T... DON'T!
OH!
UH-OH.

OH!
UH-OH.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE

UH-OH.
IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE
DOES HAVE RABIES.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE JURY THINKS HE
DOES HAVE RABIES.
OH, NO.

DOES HAVE RABIES.
OH, NO.
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW

OH, NO.
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW
IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE

THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW
IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE
STAND.

IS CALL YOUR MOTHER TO THE
STAND.
YAY!

STAND.
YAY!
♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S

YAY!
♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S
MOM ♪

♪ HERES COMES MR. BILL'S
MOM ♪
YAY!

MOM ♪
YAY!
MOM, HEY!

YAY!
MOM, HEY!
HOW YOU DOING, MOM?

MOM, HEY!
HOW YOU DOING, MOM?
YAY!

HOW YOU DOING, MOM?
YAY!
OKAY.

YAY!
OKAY.
THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO

OKAY.
THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO
ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS

THE DEFENSE WOULD FIRST LIKE TO
ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS
EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY.

ASK YOUR MOTHER IF MR. BILL HAS
EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY.
MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A

EVER BEEN A NAUGHTY BOY.
MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A
MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE.

MR. BILL IS THE NICEST SON A
MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE.
YAY!

MOTHER COULD EVER HAVE.
YAY!
THANKS, MOM.

YAY!
THANKS, MOM.
YAY!

THANKS, MOM.
YAY!
NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO

YAY!
NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO
WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR

NOW DISTRICT ATTORNEY SLUGGO
WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR
MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM.

WOULD LIKE TO CROSS-EXAMINE YOUR
MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM.
NO, WAIT.

MOTHER ALONE IN THE BACK ROOM.
NO, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER?

NO, WAIT.
WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER?
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER.

WHERE ARE YOU TAKING HER?
HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER.
NO, WAIT!

HE'S GONNA BE MEAN TO HER.
NO, WAIT!
NO, NO, NO!

NO, WAIT!
NO, NO, NO!
[THUMPING]

NO, NO, NO!
[THUMPING]
OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!

[THUMPING]
OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
OHHH!

OW OW OW OW OW OW OW!
OHHH!
OH, MOM!

OHHH!
OH, MOM!
HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A

OH, MOM!
HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A
SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY.

HEY, WAIT... THERE'S BEEN A
SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY.
MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT

SUDDEN CHANGE IN TESTIMONY.
MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT
AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES

MR. BILL IS A SPOILED BRAT
AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES
RECENTLY.

AND HAS COMMITTED MANY FELONIES
RECENTLY.
THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER

RECENTLY.
THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER
QUESTIONS."

THE D.A. SAYS, "NO FURTHER
QUESTIONS."
OHH!

QUESTIONS."
OHH!
OH, NO, MR. BILL.

OHH!
OH, NO, MR. BILL.
THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW

OH, NO, MR. BILL.
THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW
THE BOOKS AT YOU.

THE JURY HAS DECIDED TO THROW
THE BOOKS AT YOU.
OH, NO, NO!

THE BOOKS AT YOU.
OH, NO, NO!
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW

OH, NO, NO!
THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW
IS PLEAD INSANITY.

THE ONLY THING WE CAN DO NOW
IS PLEAD INSANITY.
WHAT ABOUT...

IS PLEAD INSANITY.
WHAT ABOUT...
AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU

WHAT ABOUT...
AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU
ARE INSANE...

AH, JUDGE SLUGGO SAYS YOU
ARE INSANE...
YAY!

ARE INSANE...
YAY!
AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK

YAY!
AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK
TREATMENT.

AND THAT YOU NEED SHOCK
TREATMENT.
OH, NO!

TREATMENT.
OH, NO!
BUT I'M INNOCENT.

OH, NO!
BUT I'M INNOCENT.
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,

BUT I'M INNOCENT.
YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
MR. HANDS.

YOU KNOW I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING,
MR. HANDS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

MR. HANDS.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
NO, W-WAIT.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
NO, W-WAIT.
WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE

NO, W-WAIT.
WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE
GOVERNOR CALLING.

WAIT... MAYBE THAT'S THE
GOVERNOR CALLING.
NAH, I DOUBT IT.

GOVERNOR CALLING.
NAH, I DOUBT IT.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL

NAH, I DOUBT IT.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL
SAYS...

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, MR. BILL
SAYS...
OHHHH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I JUST
WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO
DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW

WANT TO THANK ALL OF YOU WHO
DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW
HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR

DURING THE COURSE OF THE SHOW
HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR
APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH

HAVE SENT IN FROM PLACES AS FAR
APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH
SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED

APART AS DECATUR AND PITTSBURGH
SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED
EARLIER ON.

SOCKS... JUST LIKE I NEEDED
EARLIER ON.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

EARLIER ON.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[BAND PLAYS]

THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[BAND PLAYS]
THANK YOU.

Announcer: TWO WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" HOST

WILL BE CICELY TYSON WITH

MUSICAL GUEST TALKING HEADS.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

GOOD NIGHT.