Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 9 - Steve Martin/Randy Newman/Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - full transcript

The host for the episode is Steve Martin (his fourth appearance), and the musical guests are Randy Newman (his second appearance) and the Dirt Band. The skits for this episode are as follows: President Carter gives his State of th...

Announcer: WILL NOT BE
SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
PROGRAM.

THIS IS WASHINGTON

CORRESPONDENT BARRY POTTER HERE

AT THE CAPITAL.

THE HOUSE DOORKEEPER IS ABOUT TO

ANNOUNCE THE PRESIDENT, AS WE GO

TO THE FLOOR.

MR. SPEAKER, THE PRESIDENT OF

THE UNITED STATES!

THE PRESIDENT IS ENTERING THE
CHAMBER.
HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY



CHAMBER.
HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY
HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.

HE'S SMILING, OBVIOUSLY VERY
HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.
THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES

HAPPY HE'S STILL PRESIDENT.
THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES
OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND

THE CONGRESSMEN FROM BOTH SIDES
OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND
APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL

OF THE AISLE ARE STANDING AND
APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL
FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED

APPLAUDING, AS IS TRADITIONAL
FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED
AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS.

FOR EVEN THE MOST DISRESPECTED
AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS.
MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE

AND INCOMPETENT OF PRESIDENTS.
MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE
PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE

MR. CARTER NOW HAS REACHED THE
PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM.

PODIUM, AND THE SPEAKER OF THE
HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM.
HERE HE IS, LADIES AND

HOUSE SHOULD ANNOUNCE HIM.
HERE HE IS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF

HERE HE IS, LADIES AND
GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES!

GENTLEMAN... THE PRESIDENT OF
THE UNITED STATES!
[APPLAUSE]

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THANK YOU,
MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. SPEAKER,
MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS,

MR. VICE PRESIDENT, MR. SPEAKER,
MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

MEMBERS OF THE 95th CONGRESS,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE
FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE

TWO YEARS AGO TODAY, WE HELD THE
FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE
YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK

FIRST CAUCUS IN IOWA, AND ONE
YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK
FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO

YEAR AGO TOMORROW, I'LL WALK
FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO
TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT

FROM HERE TO THE WHITE HOUSE TO
TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

TAKE UP DUTIES OF THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN

OF THE UNITED STATES.
SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN
1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M

SINCE I HOPE TO DO THE SAME IN
1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M
GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND

1981, YOU CAN BE SURE THAT I'M
GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND
TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION

GONNA STAND BEFORE YOU TODAY AND
TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION
IS SOUND.

TELL YOU THE STATE OF THE UNION
IS SOUND.
[APPLAUSE]

THIS YEAR, OUR COUNTRY WILL HAVE

THE FIRST $2-TRILLION ECONOMY IN

THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD.

WHAT DO I MEAN BY THAT?
I MEAN 1,000 MILLION IS A
BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A

I MEAN 1,000 MILLION IS A
BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A
TRILLION.

BILLION, AND 1,000 BILLION IS A
TRILLION.
$2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION,

TRILLION.
$2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION,
AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF

$2 TRILLION IS $2,000-BILLION,
AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF
MONEY.

AND I BELIEVE THAT'S A LOT OF
MONEY.
THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A

MONEY.
THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A
TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN,

THIS RESOURCE WILL PROVIDE A
TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN,
BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES

TRADE BALANCE AND, IN TURN,
BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES
OF AN EVER-BALANCING

BALANCE IT AGAINST THE PRESSURES
OF AN EVER-BALANCING
DOMESTIC-ECONOMY BALANCE.

WE HOPE TO CREATE GROWTH

INCENTIVES FOR LIGHT INDUSTRY

IN JOB-CREATING AREAS, LIKE THE

MANUFACTURE OF DISPOSABLE

CIGARETTE LIGHTERS, DISPOSABLE

RAZORS, AND CHEAP PAPERBACK

ROMANCES.

WE'RE A GREAT COUNTRY, A STRONG

COUNTRY, A VITAL AND DYNAMIC

COUNTRY, AND SO WE WILL REMAIN.

WE'RE A CONFIDENT PEOPLE, A

HARD-WORKING PEOPLE, A DECENT

AND COMPASSIONATE PEOPLE, AND SO

WE WILL REMAIN.

WE'RE A COLD, HUNGRY, AND

UNEMPLOYED PEOPLE, AND SO WE

WILL REMAIN.

THOSE OF YOU WHO ARE UNEMPLOYED

MUST HAVE JOBS.

JOBS ARE A BASIC HUMAN NEED.

THEREFORE, YOU NEED JOBS.

IT IS THE ATTENTION OF THIS

ADMINISTRATION TO INITIATE

DYNAMIC PROGRAMS OF THE YOUNG,

PROGRAMS FOR THE YOUNG AND

DISADVANTAGED, SPECIFICALLY A

PROGRAM OF T-SHIRT DISTRIBUTION

FOR THE YOUNG AND DISADVANTAGED.

THEY'RE SIGNED BY MY SON CHIP.

THESE WILL HELP THEM HELP

THEMSELVES BECOME MORE VISIBLE.

WE COME TOGETHER TONIGHT.
WE MOURN THE LOSS OF A GREAT
MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY,

WE MOURN THE LOSS OF A GREAT
MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY,
WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A

MAN, SENATOR HUBERT HUMPHREY,
WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A
COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE

WHO TAUGHT US THAT WE'RE A
COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE
LINKED.

COMMUNITY AND ALL OUR FATES ARE
LINKED.
YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR

LINKED.
YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR
PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES

YOU, THE PEOPLE, AND I, YOUR
PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES
INTERTWINED.

PRESIDENT, HAVE OUR FUTURES
INTERTWINED.
I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT

INTERTWINED.
I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT
IS FOR AWHILE.

I'M SORRY, BUT THAT'S THE WAY IT
IS FOR AWHILE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN

IS FOR AWHILE.
WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN
THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT

WE HAVE NO CHOICE BUT TO ACT IN
THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT
TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE

THAT KNOWLEDGE AND SPIRIT
TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE
SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.

TOGETHER, AND, AS THE BIBLE
SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

SAYS, WE CAN MOVE MOUNTAINS.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

I HAVE NOTHING ELSE TO SAY BUT
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S "SATURDAY
NIGHT LIVE"...
STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
STEVE MARTIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
FOR ME?
OH, NO, NO!

FOR ME?
OH, NO, NO!
HEY!

OH, NO, NO!
HEY!
♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪

HEY!
♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪
♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪

♪ I'VE GOT MUSIC ♪
♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪
[LAUGHTER]

♪ I GOT RHY-HY-THM! ♪
[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY

[LAUGHTER]
OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY
NIGHT," WITH THE

OKAY, WELCOME TO "SATURDAY
NIGHT," WITH THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

NIGHT," WITH THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND.
THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN

PLAYERS AND THE DIRT BAND.
THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN
NEW YORK YESTERDAY.

THERE WAS A BIG SNOWSTORM IN
NEW YORK YESTERDAY.
WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT

NEW YORK YESTERDAY.
WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT
ALL.

WE DID NOT GET TO REHEARSE AT
ALL.
THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE,

ALL.
THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE,
HUH?

THAT'S NEVER STOPPED US BEFORE,
HUH?
[LAUGHTER]

HUH?
[LAUGHTER]
AND I'M EXCITED.

[LAUGHTER]
AND I'M EXCITED.
WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE

AND I'M EXCITED.
WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE
SHOW, AND I...

WE HAVE RANDY NEWMAN ON THE
SHOW, AND I...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SHOW, AND I...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I MET...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I MET...
I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU

I MET...
I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU
KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG?

I MET RANDY NEWMAN, AND YOU
KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG?
ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C...

KNOW HE'S ONLY ABOUT THIS BIG?
ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

ANYWAY, IT'S GREAT TO C...
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAD $50 IN HERE!

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAD $50 IN HERE!
AND IT'S GONE!

I HAD $50 IN HERE!
AND IT'S GONE!
WAIT A MINUTE!

AND IT'S GONE!
WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS

WAIT A MINUTE!
I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS
WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND

I HAD... I HAD THE $50... THIS
WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND
IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE

WAS MY NEW YORK MONEY, AND
IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE
DRESSING ROOM.

IT'S... I HAD IT BACK IN THE
DRESSING ROOM.
JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE.

DRESSING ROOM.
JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE.
I WENT BACK TO THE M...

JOHN BELUSHI WAS BACK THERE.
I WENT BACK TO THE M...
JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50!

I WENT BACK TO THE M...
JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50!
I HAD IT RIGHT HERE!

JOHN BELUSHI STOLE MY $50!
I HAD IT RIGHT HERE!
THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I

I HAD IT RIGHT HERE!
THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I
CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE

THIS WAS MY MONEY FOR THE... I
CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE
WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50!

CAN'T BELIEVE THIS, THAT HE
WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50!
WHERE IS HE?

WOULD ACTUALLY STEAL $50!
WHERE IS HE?
WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME!

WHERE IS HE?
WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME!
I'M SORRY.

WHERE... THIS BOTHERS ME!
I'M SORRY.
JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A...

I'M SORRY.
JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A...
THERE! YOU! YOU!

JUST HOLD IT JUST FOR A...
THERE! YOU! YOU!
YOU STOLE MY $50!

THERE! YOU! YOU!
YOU STOLE MY $50!
I'M SURE!

YOU STOLE MY $50!
I'M SURE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SURE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NO, HOLD IT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
NO, HOLD IT!
STOP!

NO, HOLD IT!
STOP!
I GOT TO GET READY FOR

STOP!
I GOT TO GET READY FOR
ANOTHER SCENE.

I GOT TO GET READY FOR
ANOTHER SCENE.
NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME!

ANOTHER SCENE.
NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME!
YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.

NO, THIS KIND OF BUGS ME!
YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
I WENT TO MAKEUP.

YOU WERE IN MY DRESSING ROOM.
I WENT TO MAKEUP.
THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND

I WENT TO MAKEUP.
THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND
THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS.

THESE PANTS WERE IN HERE, AND
THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS.
SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY!

THIS WAS WHERE THE $50 WAS.
SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY!
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON!

SO, YOU STOLE IT! I'M SORRY!
NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON!
NO, I'M SORRY!

NOW, GET OUT OF HERE! GO ON!
NO, I'M SORRY!
THAT JUST BOTHERS ME!

NO, I'M SORRY!
THAT JUST BOTHERS ME!
NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME!

THAT JUST BOTHERS ME!
NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME!
I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE

NO, I MEAN, THAT BOTHERS ME!
I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE
BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN

I KNOW I HAD THE $50 IN HERE
BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN
THIS POCK...

BECAUSE I NEVER PUT MY MONEY IN
THIS POCK...
OKAY.

THIS POCK...
OKAY.
[APPLAUSE]

OKAY.
[APPLAUSE]
SORRY.

[APPLAUSE]
SORRY.
I'M SORRY.

SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD

I'M SORRY.
I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD
TONIGHT, JUST...

I'M JUST IN A... I'M IN BAD MOOD
TONIGHT, JUST...
THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING.

TONIGHT, JUST...
THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING.
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO

THIS WHOLE PUBLICITY THING.
MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO
FAST WITH THIS.

MY LIFE HAS CHANGED SO MUCH SO
FAST WITH THIS.
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE

FAST WITH THIS.
I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE
LIVES?

I MEAN, WHAT HAPPENED TO PRIVATE
LIVES?
DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE

LIVES?
DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE
LIFE ANYMORE?

DON'T I GET TO HAVE A PRIVATE
LIFE ANYMORE?
I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE

LIFE ANYMORE?
I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE
WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I

I MEAN, THE THINGS THEY'RE
WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I
JUST... I READ A THING IN

WRITING ABOUT ME NOW... I
JUST... I READ A THING IN
NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING

JUST... I READ A THING IN
NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING
THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE.

NATIONAL ENQUIRER THIS MORNING
THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE.
I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS

THAT I COULD NOT BELIEVE.
I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS
THING ON MY WIENIE?

I MEAN, SO WHAT IF I HAVE THIS
THING ON MY WIENIE?
[LAUGHTER]

THING ON MY WIENIE?
[LAUGHTER]
[SCOFFS]

[LAUGHTER]
[SCOFFS]
OH!

[SCOFFS]
OH!
[Czech accent] OH, NO!

OH!
[Czech accent] OH, NO!
I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY!

[Czech accent] OH, NO!
I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY!
[Normal voice] OKAY, YOU

I'VE SPILLED WATER! OH, BOY!
[Normal voice] OKAY, YOU
KNOW...

[Normal voice] OKAY, YOU
KNOW...
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

KNOW...
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]

[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]
[BREATHING HEAVILY]
[ELECTRICITY ZAPPING]

YOU... CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE...
AND NEVER PAY TAXES!
YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND

AND NEVER PAY TAXES!
YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND
NEVER PAY TAXES!

YOU CAN BE A MILLIONAIRE AND
NEVER PAY TAXES!
YOU SAY, "STEVE...

NEVER PAY TAXES!
YOU SAY, "STEVE...
HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND

YOU SAY, "STEVE...
HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND
NEVER PAY TAXES?"

HOW CAN I BE A MILLIONAIRE AND
NEVER PAY TAXES?"
FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS.

NEVER PAY TAXES?"
FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS.
NOW...

FIRST, GET A MILLION DOLLARS.
NOW...
YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY

NOW...
YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY
TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO

YOU SAY, "STEVE, WHAT DO I SAY
TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO
MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE

TO THE TAX MAN WHEN HE COMES TO
MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE
NEVER PAID TAXES'?"

MY DOOR AND SAYS, 'YOU HAVE
NEVER PAID TAXES'?"
TWO SIMPLE WORDS.

NEVER PAID TAXES'?"
TWO SIMPLE WORDS.
TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH

TWO SIMPLE WORDS.
TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE...

TWO SIMPLE WORDS IN THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE...
"I FORGOT!"

LANGUAGE...
"I FORGOT!"
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET

"I FORGOT!"
HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET
OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE LET
OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE
SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY,

OURSELVES GET INTO TERRIBLE
SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY,
"I FORGOT"?

SITUATIONS BECAUSE WE DON'T SAY,
"I FORGOT"?
LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR

"I FORGOT"?
LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR
ARMED ROBBERY.

LET'S SAY YOU'RE ON TRIAL FOR
ARMED ROBBERY.
YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT

ARMED ROBBERY.
YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT
ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL."

YOU SAY TO THE JUDGE, "I FORGOT
ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL."
LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO

ARMED ROBBERY WAS ILLEGAL."
LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO
YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL

LET'S SUPPOSE HE SAYS BACK TO
YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL
CRIME.

YOU, "YOU HAVE COMMITTED A FOUL
CRIME.
YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND

CRIME.
YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE

YOU HAVE STOLEN HUNDREDS AND
THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE
AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I

THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS FROM PEOPLE
AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I
FORGOT'?"

AT RANDOM, AND YOU SAY, 'I
FORGOT'?"
TWO SIMPLE WORDS...

FORGOT'?"
TWO SIMPLE WORDS...
"EXCU-U-U-SE ME!"

TWO SIMPLE WORDS...
"EXCU-U-U-SE ME!"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"EXCU-U-U-SE ME!"
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE
WORDS!

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THESE
WORDS!
GOODBYE!

WORDS!
GOODBYE!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

AS A SALESMAN, I DO A LOT OF
TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO
LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,

TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO
LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,
USUALLY ON THE RUN.

LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,
USUALLY ON THE RUN.
AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I

USUALLY ON THE RUN.
AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I
KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT

AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I
KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT
DOMESTIC.

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT
DOMESTIC.
I DRINK SWILL...

DOMESTIC.
I DRINK SWILL...
THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM

I DRINK SWILL...
THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM
LAKE ERIE.

THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM
LAKE ERIE.
NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.

LAKE ERIE.
NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.
IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE

NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.
IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE
TO YOU.

IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE
TO YOU.
MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN

TO YOU.
MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN
COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT

MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN
COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT
LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE

COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT
LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE
SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT

LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE
SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT
HERE IN AMERICA.

SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT
HERE IN AMERICA.
YEAH. AMERICA.

HERE IN AMERICA.
YEAH. AMERICA.
WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS

YEAH. AMERICA.
WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS
OWN.

WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS
OWN.
SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW

OWN.
SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW
IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS

SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW
IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS
WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE

IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS
WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE
THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN

WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE
THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN
YOUR STOMACH.

THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN
YOUR STOMACH.
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

YOUR STOMACH.
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪
♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪

♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪
♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪
I LIKE MINE WITH A TWIST.

BOY, HONEY, ALL THIS FUSS
AROUND THESE PARTS ABOUT BIGFOOT
SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,

AROUND THESE PARTS ABOUT BIGFOOT
SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,
ISN'T IT?

SURE IS GETTING OUT OF HAND,
ISN'T IT?
SURE IS!

ISN'T IT?
SURE IS!
GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE

SURE IS!
GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE
ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW.

GETTIN' SO'S PEOPLE AROUND HERE
ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW.
YEAH.

ARE SCARED OF THEIR OWN SHADOW.
YEAH.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

YEAH.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
COME ON IN!

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
COME ON IN!
DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN!

COME ON IN!
DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN!
COME ON IN!

DOOR'S ALWAYS OPEN!
COME ON IN!
[WIND HOWLING]

COME ON IN!
[WIND HOWLING]
OHH!

[WIND HOWLING]
OHH!
OHH!

OHH!
OHH!
OHH!

OHH!
OHH!
[COUGHS]

OHH!
[COUGHS]
BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT

[COUGHS]
BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT
THERE!

BOY, THAT'S SOME BLIZZARD OUT
THERE!
MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A

THERE!
MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A
MILE BACK.

MY SNOWMOBILE BROKE DOWN ABOUT A
MILE BACK.
WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER

MILE BACK.
WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER
McCONNELL.

WHY, LOOK, IT'S PARK RANGER
McCONNELL.
WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL,

McCONNELL.
WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL,
WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH

WELL, PARK RANGER McCONNELL,
WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH
OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME

WHAT MADE YOU LEAVE THE WARMTH
OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME
OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?

OF YOUR RANGER STATION TO COME
OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?
WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM

OUT ON A NIGHT LIKE THIS?
WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM
PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE

WELL, WE JUST GOT WORD FROM
PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE
THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY

PARK WARDEN MITCHELL TO EVACUATE
THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY
FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO

THIS WHOLE AREA, ALL THE WAY
FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO
OTTER VALLEY.

FROM MOOSE CREEK OVER TO
OTTER VALLEY.
YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN,

OTTER VALLEY.
YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN,
AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS

YOU KNOW, BIGFOOT'S LOOSE AGAIN,
AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS
MYSTERY.

AND WE'VE GOT TO SOLVE THIS
MYSTERY.
THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME

MYSTERY.
THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME
COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT

THE RED CROSS HAS SET UP SOME
COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT
BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE

COTS DOWN AT THE GYMNASIUM AT
BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE
INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER

BUNYAN HIGH SCHOOL, AND THEY'VE
INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER
RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF

INSTRUCTED ME AND ALL THE OTHER
RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF
HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR

RANGERS TO GET EVERYBODY OUT OF
HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR
DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY.

HERE FROM, OH, MOOSE CREEK CLEAR
DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY.
YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS

DOWN TO OTTER VALLEY.
YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS
IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE

YOU KNOW, EACH ONE OF THESE GUNS
IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE
TRANQUILIZER DARTS.

IS LOADED WITH ONE OF THESE
TRANQUILIZER DARTS.
IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN

TRANQUILIZER DARTS.
IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN
STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE

IN CASE WE SEE BIGFOOT, WE CAN
STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE
SOMEONE GETS HURT.

STUN HIM AND CAPTURE HIM BEFORE
SOMEONE GETS HURT.
WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S

SOMEONE GETS HURT.
WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S
REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE

WELL, DO YOU THINK THERE'S
REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE
STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT,

REALLY ANY TRUTH TO THESE
STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT,
RANGER McCONNELL?

STORIES ABOUT BIGFOOT,
RANGER McCONNELL?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING

RANGER McCONNELL?
WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING
THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S

WELL, FOR ONE THING, DURING
THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S
BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT

THE LAST SIX MONTHS, THERE'S
BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT
TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM

BEEN SIGHTINGS OF GIANT BIGFOOT
TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM
MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO

TRACKS, WHY, ALL THE WAY FROM
MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO
OTTER VALLEY.

MOOSE CREEK, OH, CLEAR OUT TO
OTTER VALLEY.
WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT

OTTER VALLEY.
WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT
TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN.

WHY, THERE'S HUNDREDS OF BIGFOOT
TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN.
PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE

TRACKS ALL AROUND THIS CABIN.
PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE
BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE

PERHAPS YOU'VE HAD SOME CLOSE
BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE
CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A

BRUSHES WITH THIS ELUSIVE
CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A
STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT

CREATURE THAT MIGHT PUT ME A
STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT
TO CAPTIVITY.

STEP CLOSER TO BRINGING BIGFOOT
TO CAPTIVITY.
AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER

TO CAPTIVITY.
AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER
McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING

AS YOU KNOW, NOW, PARK RANGER
McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING
HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE

McCONNELL, WE'VE BEEN LIVING
HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE
BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM

HERE SIX MONTHS NOW, AND WE'VE
BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM
MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND

BEEN ALL OVER THESE PARTS, FROM
MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND
WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT.

MOOSE CREEK TO OTTER VALLEY, AND
WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT.
RANGER...

WE AIN'T NEVER SEEN NO BIGFOOT.
RANGER...
SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE

RANGER...
SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE
CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU

SORRY, RANGER McCONNELL, WE
CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU
KNOW SOMETHING?

CAN'T BE OF MORE HELP, BUT YOU
KNOW SOMETHING?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND

KNOW SOMETHING?
WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND
I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF

WHY DON'T YOU JUST SIT DOWN, AND
I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF
COFFEE?

I'LL MAKE YOU A NICE CUP OF
COFFEE?
WELL...

COFFEE?
WELL...
HAVE A SEAT.

WELL...
HAVE A SEAT.
ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A

HAVE A SEAT.
ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A
MINUTE.

ALL RIGHT, BUT JUST FOR A
MINUTE.
THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE

MINUTE.
THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE
YOU GOT THERE.

THAT'S A NICE WOOD-BURNING STOVE
YOU GOT THERE.
OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME!

YOU GOT THERE.
OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME!
I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND

OH, SANTA BROUGHT IT TO ME!
I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND
FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING.

I WOKE UP CHRISTMAS MORNING AND
FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING.
BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY

FOUND IT IN MY STOCKING.
BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY
A MYSTERY.

BOY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS REALLY
A MYSTERY.
YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A

A MYSTERY.
YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A
CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD

YOU SURE YOU'VE NEVER SEEN A
CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD
LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH,

CREATURE AROUND HERE THAT WOULD
LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH,
THIS BIG?

LEAVE A FOOTPRINT ABOUT, OH,
THIS BIG?
NO, NO, NO.

THIS BIG?
NO, NO, NO.
NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND

NO, NO, NO.
NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND
HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER,

NO, MOST CREATURES AROUND
HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER,
WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE

HERE... YOU KNOW, LIKE OTTER,
WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE
PRETTY SMALL FEET.

WOLF, DEER, FOX... THEY ALL HAVE
PRETTY SMALL FEET.
WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT

PRETTY SMALL FEET.
WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT
DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING

WELL, RANGER McCONNELL, WHAT
DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING
LOOK LIKE?

DOES THIS HERE BIGFOOT THING
LOOK LIKE?
WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF

LOOK LIKE?
WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF
BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE

WELL, THE ONLY SIGHTINGS OF
BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE
FROM LONG DISTANCES IN

BIGFOOT HIMSELF HAVE BEEN MADE
FROM LONG DISTANCES IN
BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE

FROM LONG DISTANCES IN
BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE
THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS

BLIZZARDS, BUT THEY ALL AGREE
THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS
UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK

THAT THE CREATURE ALWAYS WALKS
UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK
FUR COVERING HIS BODY.

UPRIGHT LIKE A MAN, WITH A THICK
FUR COVERING HIS BODY.
NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE

FUR COVERING HIS BODY.
NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE
THAT.

NO, NEVER SEEN NOTHING LIKE
THAT.
WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE

THAT.
WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE
WOOD.

WELL, I GOT TO GO CUT SOME MORE
WOOD.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE

WOOD.
ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE
CAREFUL NOW.

ALL RIGHT, HONEY, YOU BE
CAREFUL NOW.
OKAY.

CAREFUL NOW.
OKAY.
WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD.

OKAY.
WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD.
WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?

WATCH OUT FOR THAT BLIZZARD.
WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?
AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR

WELL, CAN YOU GET THE DOOR?
AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR
HERE.

AS SOON AS I GET THIS DOOR
HERE.
GET THAT DOOR.

HERE.
GET THAT DOOR.
WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT!

GET THAT DOOR.
WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT!
WHOA!

WHOA! WATCH OUT FOR THAT!
WHOA!
RANGER McCONNELL.

WHOA!
RANGER McCONNELL.
RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR

RANGER McCONNELL.
RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR
SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU

RANGER McCONNELL, SINCE YOUR
SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU
STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US?

SNOWMOBILE BROKE, WHY DON'T YOU
STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US?
WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND

STAY THE NIGHT HERE WITH US?
WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND
YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A

WE GOT AN EXTRA MATTRESS, AND
YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A
SLEEPING BAG.

YOU CAN USE ONE OF MY SOCKS AS A
SLEEPING BAG.
NO, I'M SORRY.

SLEEPING BAG.
NO, I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED

NO, I'M SORRY.
I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED
THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.

I CAN'T REST UNTIL I'VE SOLVED
THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.

THE MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.
WELL, GOOD LUCK.
WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY

WELL, GOOD LUCK.
WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY
GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME.

WELL, THANK YOU, AND SAY
GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME.
I WILL.

GOODBYE TO YOUR HUSBAND FOR ME.
I WILL.
WAIT!

I WILL.
WAIT!
THERE HE IS!

WAIT!
THERE HE IS!
IT'S BIGFOOT!

THERE HE IS!
IT'S BIGFOOT!
HE'S AROUND THE WOODPILE!

GO! GET HIM!
[GUNSHOT]
WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS

[GUNSHOT]
WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS
YOUR HUSBAND.

WAIT A MINUTE... THAT WAS
YOUR HUSBAND.
OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE

YOUR HUSBAND.
OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE
LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD.

OH, NO, IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE
LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD.
YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO

LONG DISTANCE AND THE BLIZZARD.
YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO
PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN.

YES, THE WILDERNESS LIKES TO
PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN.
YOU KNOW...

PLAY FUNNY TRICKS ON A MAN.
YOU KNOW...
[WIND HOWLING]

YOU KNOW...
[WIND HOWLING]
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I

[WIND HOWLING]
NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I
DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG

NOW THAT YOU MENTION IT, I
DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG
FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE

DID NOTICE A LOT OF BIG
FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE
WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW?

FOOTPRINTS GOING TO AND FROM THE
WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW?
BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED.

WOOD PILE, YOU KNOW?
BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED.
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE

BOY, I'M REALLY TIRED.
I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE
NAP.

I THINK I'M GONNA TAKE A LITTLE
NAP.
YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO,

NAP.
YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO,
I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU

YOU KNOW, JUST A MINUTE AGO,
I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU
WERE BIGFOOT.

I LOOKED OUT, AND I THOUGHT YOU
WERE BIGFOOT.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY

WERE BIGFOOT.
YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY
THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN FOOLED BY
THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE
BLIZZARD.

THE LONG DISTANCE AND THE
BLIZZARD.
[CHUCKLES]

BLIZZARD.
[CHUCKLES]
YEAH, I GUESS I WAS.

[CHUCKLES]
YEAH, I GUESS I WAS.
YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS

YEAH, I GUESS I WAS.
YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS
TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT

YOU KNOW, IT GIVES ME THE CREEPS
TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT
CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.

TO THINK THAT THAT BIGFOOT
CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE.

CREATURE IS OUT THERE SOMEWHERE.
WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE.
HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN

WHY, HE COULD BE ANYWHERE.
HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN
RIGHT NOW.

HE COULD BE AROUND THIS CABIN
RIGHT NOW.
YEAH. HE COULD BE.

RIGHT NOW.
YEAH. HE COULD BE.
HE COULD BE THERE.

YEAH. HE COULD BE.
HE COULD BE THERE.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.

HE COULD BE THERE.
I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER SOLVE THIS

I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I GUESS WE'LL NEVER SOLVE THIS
MYSTERY OF BIGFOOT.

[Czech accent] OH! HEY!
HERE IS SOMETHING!
[CHUCKLES]

HERE IS SOMETHING!
[CHUCKLES]
I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S

[CHUCKLES]
I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S
HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS

I BET YOU CANNOT GUESS WHO'S
HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS
HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES!

HERE NOW BEHIND YOU WITH HIS
HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES!
[Czech accent] I CANNOT

HANDS COVERING YOUR EYES!
[Czech accent] I CANNOT
AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT

[Czech accent] I CANNOT
AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT
MUST BE MY SWINGING BROTHER,

AGREE WITH YOU THERE, FOR IT
MUST BE MY SWINGING BROTHER,
GEORG!

SEE?
NEXT TIME, DON'T ASK ME AGAIN!
IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME

NEXT TIME, DON'T ASK ME AGAIN!
IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME
TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE

IT WAS NO DIFFICULTY FOR ME
TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE
TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR

TO GUESS, FOR WE ARE HERE
TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR
APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE

TOGETHER, ALL ALONE IN OUR
APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE
HAVE ONE KEY ONLY!

APARTMENT IN AMERICA, AND WE
HAVE ONE KEY ONLY!
WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY

HAVE ONE KEY ONLY!
WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY
GUYS!

WE ARE TWO WILD AND CRAZY
GUYS!
HOLD IT.

GUYS!
HOLD IT.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

HOLD IT.
WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU AND WHAT ARMY?

WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?
YOU AND WHAT ARMY?
HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK?

YOU AND WHAT ARMY?
HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK?
NO WAY!

HOW ABOUT A SWINGING DRINK?
NO WAY!
YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS

NO WAY!
YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS
NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN

YOU KNOW, SUCH A THING WAS
NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN
CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP

NOT POSSIBLE BACK IN
CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP
THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM.

CZECHOSLOVAKIA BEFORE WE BLEW UP
THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM.
ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD

THE TANKS AND RAN FROM THEM.
ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD
BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE.

ALL THE PORTABLE BACHELOR-PAD
BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE.
SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY

BARS WERE OWNED BY THE STATE.
SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY
TIGHT...

SAY, YOUR SLACKS ARE REALLY
TIGHT...
JUST LIKE MINE!

TIGHT...
JUST LIKE MINE!
BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO

JUST LIKE MINE!
BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO
DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO

BOY, IT IS CERTAINLY NO
DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO
SEE OUR BULGES.

DIFFICULTY NOW FOR ANY WOMEN TO
SEE OUR BULGES.
THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!

SEE OUR BULGES.
THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!
SO BRING ON THE FOXES!

THAT'S FOR YOU TO FIND OUT!
SO BRING ON THE FOXES!
WAIT.

SO BRING ON THE FOXES!
WAIT.
HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL

WAIT.
HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL
YOU.

HERE IS SOMETHING I CAN TELL
YOU.
TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO

YOU.
TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO
OUR PAD TONIGHT.

TWO SWINGING FOXES ARE COMING TO
OUR PAD TONIGHT.
FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT?

OUR PAD TONIGHT.
FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT?
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?

FOXES COMING HERE TONIGHT?
WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
FORGET ABOUT IT.

WHO TOLD YOU THAT?
FORGET ABOUT IT.
TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST

FORGET ABOUT IT.
TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST
SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO

TODAY IN AMERICA, ALL THE MOST
SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO
FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX

SWINGING PEOPLE USE COMPUTERS TO
FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX
WITH THEM!

FIND OTHERS WHO WILL HAVE SEX
WITH THEM!
I HAVE DONE THIS NOW.

WITH THEM!
I HAVE DONE THIS NOW.
COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES?

I HAVE DONE THIS NOW.
COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES?
LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT.

COMPUTERS TO FIND FOXES?
LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT.
STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU!

LET ME KNOW ABOUT IT.
STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU!
I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND

STAY HERE, AND I'LL TELL YOU!
I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND
GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR

I PUT OUR NAMES... YORTUK AND
GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR
THE COMPUTER.

GEORG FESTRUNK... ON CARDS FOR
THE COMPUTER.
I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY

THE COMPUTER.
I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY
SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY

I TOLD THEM THAT WE HAVE MANY
SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY
A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS,

SWINGING HOBBIES, AND WE ENJOY
A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS,
LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING

A GREAT DEAL MANY INTERESTS,
LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING
NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN

LIKE MEETING GIRLS AND BEING
NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN
BREASTS!

NEXT TO THEIR BIG AMERICAN
BREASTS!
HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW?

BREASTS!
HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW?
OUT TO LUNCH!

HEY, WHO'S TO KNOW?
OUT TO LUNCH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]

OUT TO LUNCH!
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
FOXES!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
FOXES!
LET'S NOT WAIT, FOR WE ARE

FOXES!
LET'S NOT WAIT, FOR WE ARE
TWO WILD AND CRAZY GUYS!

NOT FOXES.
IT'S CLIFF, OUR SWINGING
AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN

IT'S CLIFF, OUR SWINGING
AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN
THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US.

AMERICAN BUDDY WHO LIVES ALSO IN
THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US.
HI!

THIS APARTMENT BUILDING WITH US.
HI!
WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN?

HI!
WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN?
HI, GEORG, YORTUK.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, SOUL MAN?
HI, GEORG, YORTUK.
LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY

HI, GEORG, YORTUK.
LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY
HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT

LOOK, I'M HAVING A PARTY AT MY
HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT
YOU GUYS TO COME.

HOUSE TOMORROW NIGHT, AND I WANT
YOU GUYS TO COME.
HEY, GET OFF MY BACK.

YOU GUYS TO COME.
HEY, GET OFF MY BACK.
WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE

HEY, GET OFF MY BACK.
WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE
BACHELOR-PAD BAR, WHERE WE'RE

WALK OVER WITH US NOW TO THE
BACHELOR-PAD BAR, WHERE WE'RE
SPENDING A GREAT DEAL OF TIME.

[GROANS]
CLIFF, I AM TELLING YOU
SOMETHING NOW.

CLIFF, I AM TELLING YOU
SOMETHING NOW.
YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF

SOMETHING NOW.
YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF
THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING

YOU ARE VERY SIMILAR TO ALL OF
THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING
STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE

THE ETHIOPIAN ENGINEERING
STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE
POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN

STUDENTS THAT WE KNEW AT THE
POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN
BRATISLAVA.

POLYTECHNIC INSTITUTE BACK IN
BRATISLAVA.
YEAH, YEAH, I CAN DIG IT.

BRATISLAVA.
YEAH, YEAH, I CAN DIG IT.
SLAP MY HAND, BLACK SOUL MAN!

UH-OH, CLIFF, GET OUT OF HERE
NOW!
SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM

NOW!
SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM
COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND

SOME DATES ARE COMING OVER FROM
COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND
YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL

COMPUTER DATING TO MEET US, AND
YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL
WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON.

YOU CANNOT BE HERE, FOR WE WILL
WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON.
YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION

WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH THEM SOON.
YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION
GOING?

YOU GUYS GOT SOME ACTION
GOING?
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN.

GOING?
YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN.
FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT,

YOU DIDN'T TELL ME THAT, MAN.
FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT,
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT.

FIX ME A DRINK, I'LL FINISH IT,
AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, I'LL SPLIT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES!

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES!
CLIFF, DON'T WAIT HERE RIGHT

OH! NOW ARE THE FOXES!
CLIFF, DON'T WAIT HERE RIGHT
AWAY!

LOOK WHO IT IS... TWO SWINGING
CHICKS!
TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN

CHICKS!
TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN
SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS.

TAKE OFF YOUR COATS SO WE CAN
SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT

SEE YOUR BIG AMERICAN BREASTS.
DON'T WORRY ABOUT
BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX.
WE HAVE MANY.

BIRTH-CONTROL DEVICES FOR SEX.
WE HAVE MANY.
[Croatian accent] HELLO.

WE HAVE MANY.
[Croatian accent] HELLO.
WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW.

[Croatian accent] HELLO.
WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW.
I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE

WE ARE KNOWING SOMETHING NOW.
I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE
GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK.

I AM TELLING YOU THAT YOU ARE
GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK.
WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER

GEORG AND YORTUK FESTRUNK.
WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER
CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING

WE HAVE SELECTED YOUR COMPUTER
CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING
YOU.

CARDS, AND TONIGHT WE ARE DATING
YOU.
[Croatian accent] THAT'S

YOU.
[Croatian accent] THAT'S
RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A

[Croatian accent] THAT'S
RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A
BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE

RIGHT, AND SORRY TO BE PLACING A
BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE
HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING

BUM TRIP ON MY MIND, BUT BEFORE
HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING
US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY

HAVING SEX, YOU WILL BE BUYING
US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY
PEPSIS!

US AN EXPENSIVE MEAL AND MANY
PEPSIS!
YOU'LL BE PARDONING ME FOR A

PEPSIS!
YOU'LL BE PARDONING ME FOR A
MOMENT.

THESE... THERE ARE NOT AMERICAN
FOXES.
I BLAME MYSELF.

FOXES.
I BLAME MYSELF.
WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS...

I BLAME MYSELF.
WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS...
BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO

WE ARE CROATIAN SISTERS...
BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO
ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF

BODKA AND VOBSINA CHERBU, WHO
ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF
SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE

ARE JUMPING TWO YEARS AGO OFF
SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE
COAST OF MAINE.

SOVIET FISHING TROLLER OFF THE
COAST OF MAINE.
WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH

COAST OF MAINE.
WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH
OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH

WE ARE SWIMMING TWO WEEKS WITH
OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH
US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL.

OUR UNCLE KRABOSH, WHO IS WITH
US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL.
THAT'S RIGHT.

US NOW, ALSO, AS WELL.
THAT'S RIGHT.
UNCLE KRABOSH!

THAT'S RIGHT.
UNCLE KRABOSH!
COME IN AND DATE WITH US.

[Croatian accent] NOT TO
WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING.

WORRY TOO MUCH FOR ME.
I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING.
UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS

I CAN WATCH WHILE OTHERS SWING.
UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS
ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO

UM, WELL, I SEE THAT YOU GUYS
ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO
PARTY.

ARE, YOU KNOW, GETTING READY TO
PARTY.
SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF

PARTY.
SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF
TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN.

SO, I'M GOING TO JUST GET MYSELF
TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN.
HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET

TOGETHER AND SPLIT, MAN.
HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET
ABOUT THEM NOW.

HEY, VOBSINA, LET'S FORGET
ABOUT THEM NOW.
THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING

ABOUT THEM NOW.
THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING
CORRECTLY.

THESE TWO NOT KNOW HOW TO SWING
CORRECTLY.
I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK

CORRECTLY.
I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK
PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER

I HAVE JUST SEEN THIS BLACK
PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER
TO SWING US IN AMERICA.

PERSON WHO WOULD BE MUCH BETTER
TO SWING US IN AMERICA.
HEY!

TO SWING US IN AMERICA.
HEY!
SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF

HEY!
SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF
HIS PANTS.

SO, NOW WE WILL BE TAKING OFF
HIS PANTS.
HA!

HIS PANTS.
HA!
NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

HA!
NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

NO, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK, I'M SPLITTING.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
LOOK, I'M SPLITTING.
I GOT NIGHT CLASS.

LOOK, I'M SPLITTING.
I GOT NIGHT CLASS.
HA! DON'T TELL US!

I GOT NIGHT CLASS.
HA! DON'T TELL US!
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!

HA! DON'T TELL US!
THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!
WHAT A HASSLE!

THAT'S YOUR PROBLEM!
WHAT A HASSLE!
SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU

WHAT A HASSLE!
SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU
WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER!

SOON WE WILL BE SEEING YOU
WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER!
[CHUCKLES]

WITH NO PANTS ON WHATSOEVER!
[CHUCKLES]
I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT

[CHUCKLES]
I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT
EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO

I AM OLD, TIRED A BIT, BUT
EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO
GOOD.

EVEN SO, MY HEALTH IS NOT SO
GOOD.
SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING.

GOOD.
SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING.
THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL

SO YOU MUST HELP ME TO SWING.
THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL
OF US!

THIS GUY IS TOO MUCH FOR ALL
OF US!
CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH

OF US!
CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH
BODKA AND VOBSINA!

CLIFF IS NOW SWINGING WITH
BODKA AND VOBSINA!
GOODBYE, CLIFF!

BODKA AND VOBSINA!
GOODBYE, CLIFF!
ENJOY YOUR SEX!

GOODBYE, CLIFF!
ENJOY YOUR SEX!
YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL

ENJOY YOUR SEX!
YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL
DEVICES, GEORG?

YOU ARE BRINGING BIRTH-CONTROL
DEVICES, GEORG?
WHO'S TO KNOW?

DEVICES, GEORG?
WHO'S TO KNOW?
OUT TO LUNCH!

WHO'S TO KNOW?
OUT TO LUNCH!
NOW WE ARE...

OUT TO LUNCH!
NOW WE ARE...
WE ARE THREE WILD AND CRAZY

NOW WE ARE...
WE ARE THREE WILD AND CRAZY
GUYS!

I'VE KNOWN THIS NEXT GROUP
SINCE WE WERE... SMALL.
[CHUCKLES]

SINCE WE WERE... SMALL.
[CHUCKLES]
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,

[CHUCKLES]
WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,
AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,
AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST
MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND.

AND THESE ARE SOME OF THE BEST
MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

MUSICIANS YOU CAN FIND.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
DIRT BAND!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
DIRT BAND!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DIRT BAND!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[THE DIRT BAND'S "ON THE LOOSE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[THE DIRT BAND'S "ON THE LOOSE
WITH THE BLUES" PLAYS]

♪ BABY'S JUST LOOKING SO
BAD ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO

BAD ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO
FEELING GLAD ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T TALK HER INTO
FEELING GLAD ♪
♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN

FEELING GLAD ♪
♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN
ON HER LUCK ♪

♪ WELL, I GUESS SHE'S BEEN DOWN
ON HER LUCK ♪
♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP

ON HER LUCK ♪
♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP
TRUCK ♪

♪ LIVING OUT OF SOME OLD PICKUP
TRUCK ♪
♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE

TRUCK ♪
♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE
CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪

♪ SHE'S BEEN RUNNING SINCE SHE
CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪
♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE

CAN'T SAY WHEN ♪
♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE
AGE OF 10 ♪

♪ THINK SHE STARTED 'BOUT THE
AGE OF 10 ♪
♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER

AGE OF 10 ♪
♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER
HIGHWAY SHOES ♪

♪ WELL, SHE'S WORN OUT HER
HIGHWAY SHOES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

HIGHWAY SHOES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪
♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO

♪ SHE'S NEVER EVEN SEEN HER PA ♪
♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO
DODGE THE LAW ♪

♪ THINK HE'S OUT THERE TRYING TO
DODGE THE LAW ♪
♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY

DODGE THE LAW ♪
♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY
SHE'S GOT ♪

♪ AND THE ONLY FAMILY
SHE'S GOT ♪
♪ IS HER MOTHER,

SHE'S GOT ♪
♪ IS HER MOTHER,
AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪

♪ IS HER MOTHER,
AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪
♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO

AND SHE'S GONE A LOT ♪
♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO
PAIN ♪

♪ BUT SHE'D NEVER LET YOU SEE NO
PAIN ♪
♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE

PAIN ♪
♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE
WITH THE RAIN ♪

♪ SAYS SHE'LL TAKE THE SUNSHINE
WITH THE RAIN ♪
♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT

WITH THE RAIN ♪
♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT
SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪

♪ LONELY EYES THAT SHOW WHAT
SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

SHE'S BEEN THROUGH ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY

♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY
DAYS ♪

♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY
DAYS ♪
♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN

DAYS ♪
♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN
LAST ♪

♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN
LAST ♪
♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE

LAST ♪
♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE
FAST ♪

♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE
FAST ♪
♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO

FAST ♪
♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO
MANY DUES ♪

♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO
MANY DUES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

MANY DUES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
[HARMONICA SOLO]

♪ SHOULDN'T BE THIS WAY ♪
♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY
DAYS ♪

♪ SHE'S HAD FAR TOO MANY CLOUDY
DAYS ♪
♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN

DAYS ♪
♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN
LAST ♪

♪ AND I REALLY HOPE THAT SHE CAN
LAST ♪
♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE

LAST ♪
♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE
FAST ♪

♪ BEEN HITTING LIFE A LITTLE
FAST ♪
♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO

FAST ♪
♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO
MANY DUES ♪

♪ WELL, THE LADY'S PAYING TOO
MANY DUES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

MANY DUES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE
HIGHWAY SHOES ♪

♪ SHE'S JUST WORN OUT THOSE
HIGHWAY SHOES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

HIGHWAY SHOES ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪

♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪

♪ BABY'S REALLY FEELING USED ♪
♪ ON THE LOOSE WITH THE BLUES ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FIRST THERE WAS SOAP.
THEN THERE WAS THE WASHCLOTH.
AND NOW...

THEN THERE WAS THE WASHCLOTH.
AND NOW...
THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE

AND NOW...
THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE
REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE

THERE'S BODY FLOSS, THE
REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE
INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD

REVOLUTIONARY NEW HYGIENE
INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD
"CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING.

INVENTION THAT GIVES THE WORD
"CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE

"CLEAN" A WHOLE NEW MEANING.
IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE
YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY

IT'S LIKE EXERCISING WHILE
YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY
BETTER!

YOU'RE GETTING CLEAN, ONLY
BETTER!
IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE

BETTER!
IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE
THEY CAN BECOME DIRT!

IT UNLODGES PARTICLES BEFORE
THEY CAN BECOME DIRT!
YEAH!

THEY CAN BECOME DIRT!
YEAH!
THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT

YEAH!
THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT
FOR YEARS!

THE SWEDES HAVE BEEN DOING IT
FOR YEARS!
YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR

FOR YEARS!
YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR
SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER...

YOU SEE, THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR
SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER...
TRAPS DIRT.

SKIN... THE EPITHELIAL LAYER...
TRAPS DIRT.
ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE

TRAPS DIRT.
ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE
THE EPITHELIA.

ONLY BODY FLOSS CAN GENTLY FREE
THE EPITHELIA.
THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES

THE EPITHELIA.
THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES
AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST

THE BODY FLOSS REACHES SPACES
AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST
CAN'T GO!

AND PLACES YOUR WASHCLOTH JUST
CAN'T GO!
YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE

CAN'T GO!
YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE
OR AT A FLOSS PARTY!

YOU CAN USE BODY FLOSS ALONE
OR AT A FLOSS PARTY!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

OR AT A FLOSS PARTY!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE
FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD!

IT'S THE CLEANEST WAY TO HAVE
FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

FUN IN THE WHOLE WORLD!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW
MINT FLAVOR!

YEAH, AND I LIKE THAT NEW
MINT FLAVOR!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!

MINT FLAVOR!
THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES

THAT'S WHAT I LIKE ABOUT IT!
THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES
YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU

THE BODY FLOSS... IT MAKES
YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU
WERE CLEAN.

YOU CLEAN AFTER YOU THOUGHT YOU
WERE CLEAN.
NO BODY CAN REALLY BE CLEAN

WERE CLEAN.
NO BODY CAN REALLY BE CLEAN
WITHOUT IT.

COMING UP NEXT, FREDDIE LAKER
ANNOUNCES ECONOMY BUS SERVICE TO
MIAMI.

ANNOUNCES ECONOMY BUS SERVICE TO
MIAMI.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND

MIAMI.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE" AT 12:00.

Announcer: AND NOW, "WEEKEND
UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE," WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BEFORE WE START THE NEWS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BEFORE WE START THE NEWS
TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"

BEFORE WE START THE NEWS
TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"
WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS

TONIGHT, WE AT "WEEKEND UPDATE"
WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME

WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME
MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW

OPPORTUNITY TO WELCOME
MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW
PRESIDENT OF NBC.

MR. FRED SILVERMAN, THE NEW
PRESIDENT OF NBC.
AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS

PRESIDENT OF NBC.
AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS
THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND

AS YOU KNOW, MR. SILVERMAN WAS
THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND
HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE

THE PROGRAMMING WHIZ AT ABC, AND
HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE
NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER

HE HAS VOWED TO TRY TO ELEVATE
NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER
THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB.

NBC's RATING IN THE SAME MANNER
THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB.
WE WISH HIM LUCK.

THAT HE DID IN HIS PREVIOUS JOB.
WE WISH HIM LUCK.
NOW FOR THE NEWS.

WE WISH HIM LUCK.
NOW FOR THE NEWS.
I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN.

NOW FOR THE NEWS.
I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN.
I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD.

I'M LAVERNE CURTAIN.
I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD.
AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,

I'M SHIRLEY AYKROYD.
AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,
OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE

AND NOW, OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT,
OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE
BIG SNOW.

OF COURSE, HAS TO BE ABOUT THE
BIG SNOW.
JANE?

BIG SNOW.
JANE?
WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE

JANE?
WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE
FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED

WILLIAM H. WEBSTER, THE
FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED
THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT

FEDERAL JUDGE WHO WAS NOMINATED
THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT
DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU

THURSDAY TO BECOME THE NEXT
DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU
OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT

DIRECTOR OF THE FEDERAL BUREAU
OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT
ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL

OF INVESTIGATION, HAS NOT
ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL
GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE

ANNOUNCED WHETHER OR NOT HE WILL
GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE
ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS

GIVE UP HIS MEMBERSHIP IN THE
ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS
ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS.

ALL-MALE, ALL-WHITE, MYSTERIOUS
ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS.
HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO

ORDER OF THE VEILED PROPHETS.
HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO
"MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND

HOWEVER, HE DID PROMISE TO
"MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND
TRADITIONS OF THE FBI."

"MAINTAIN THE HIGH STANDARDS AND
TRADITIONS OF THE FBI."
AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL

TRADITIONS OF THE FBI."
AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL
AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME

AND REPORTEDLY, 20 SPECIAL
AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME
THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW,

AGENTS WERE ASSIGNED TO HIS HOME
THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW,
CLEAN OUT HIS GARAGE, AND TO

THIS MORNING TO SHOVEL SNOW,
CLEAN OUT HIS GARAGE, AND TO
UNPLUG A STUBBORN KITCHEN DRAIN.

AS PART OF HIS RECENT RELIGIOUS
CONVERSION, PUBLISHER
LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED

CONVERSION, PUBLISHER
LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED
EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN

LARRY FLYNT HAS INVITED
EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN
THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE.

EVANGELIST ORAL ROBERTS TO JOIN
THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE.
TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER

THE STAFF OF HUSTLER MAGAZINE.
TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER
AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE,

TODAY ROBERTS ACCEPTED THE OFFER
AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE,
HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO

AND, IN A SPIRIT OF COMPROMISE,
HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO
"ORAL SEX."

HAS AGREED TO CHANGE HIS NAME TO
"ORAL SEX."
WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN

"ORAL SEX."
WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN
PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE?

WHAT DO MILITARY MEN DO WHEN
PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE?
WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF

PEACE TALKS ARE AT A STALEMATE?
WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF
MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI

WELL, DURING THE SUSPENSION OF
MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI
FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

MIDDLE EAST TALKS, ISRAELI
FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED

FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED
YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT

PLANS TO STAND IN FOR A TIRED
YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT
REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I."

YUL BRYNNER IN BROADWAY'S HIT
REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I."
YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE,

REVIVAL OF "THE KING AND I."
YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE,
SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN.

YOU SEE THAT THEY LOOK ALIKE,
SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN.
MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE

SOMEWHAT, THE TWO MEN.
MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE
MIDDLE EAST.

MORE DEVELOPMENTS FROM THE
MIDDLE EAST.
THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE

MIDDLE EAST.
THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE
EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD

THE KIND OF SAUDI ARABIA AND THE
EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD
THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN

EMIR OF KUWAIT LAST WEEK HAD
THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN
A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY

THEIR BEARDS EPOXIED TOGETHER IN
A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY
AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES.

A DEMONSTRATION OF SOLIDARITY
AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES.
THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY

AGAINST EGYPT'S PEACE MOVES.
THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY
WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE

THE TWO ARAB LEADERS SAY THEY
WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE
CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL

WILL REMAIN THIS WAY UNTIL THE
CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL
THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH,

CONTROVERSY IS SETTLED OR UNTIL
THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH,
WHICHEVER IS SOONER.

THEY RUN OUT OF MOUTHWASH,
WHICHEVER IS SOONER.
MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO

WHICHEVER IS SOONER.
MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO
WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION,

MAKING SHOW-BUSINESS NEWS ALSO
WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION,
WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES

WAS LEO, THE BELOVED MGM LION,
WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES
THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND

WHO WAS PICKED UP IN LOS ANGELES
THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND
DISORDERLY" CHARGE.

THIS WEEK ON A "DRUNK AND
DISORDERLY" CHARGE.
THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS

DISORDERLY" CHARGE.
THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS
REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER

THE FELINE EXECUTIVE WAS
REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER
THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10

REPORTEDLY STILL DEPRESSED OVER
THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10
YEARS AGO.

THE DEATH OF BERT LAHR SOME 10
YEARS AGO.
WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN

YEARS AGO.
WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN
PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY.

WELL, JIMMY CARTER HAS BEEN
PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY.
LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL

PRESIDENT FOR A YEAR AND A DAY.
LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL
WE?

LET'S LOOK AT THE RECORD, SHALL
WE?
HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD

WE?
HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD
BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE

HIS BEST FRIEND, BERT LANCE, HAD
BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE
BANKING PRACTICES.

BEEN ACCUSED OF QUESTIONABLE
BANKING PRACTICES.
HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL

BANKING PRACTICES.
HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL
PROBLEMS.

HIS SON CHIP IS HAVING MARITAL
PROBLEMS.
HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A

PROBLEMS.
HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A
BEER-DRINKING CLOWN.

HIS BROTHER, BILLY, IS A
BEER-DRINKING CLOWN.
HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A

BEER-DRINKING CLOWN.
HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A
WRESTLING GROUPIE.

HIS MOTHER, LILLIAN, IS A
WRESTLING GROUPIE.
HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF,

WRESTLING GROUPIE.
HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF,
HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A

HIS WHITE HOUSE STAFF CHIEF,
HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A
DIVORCE.

HAMILTON JORDAN, IS GETTING A
DIVORCE.
HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON

DIVORCE.
HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON
IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT,

HIS SISTER RUTH CARTER STAPLETON
IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT,
A PORNOGRAPHER.

IS ASSOCIATING WITH LARRY FLYNT,
A PORNOGRAPHER.
BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT

A PORNOGRAPHER.
BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT
THE BRIGHTER SIDE.

BUT TO BE FAIR, LET'S LOOK AT
THE BRIGHTER SIDE.
HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A

THE BRIGHTER SIDE.
HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A
CONVICTED MURDERER.

HIS DAUGHTER AMY'S NURSE IS A
CONVICTED MURDERER.
IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T

CONVICTED MURDERER.
IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T
IT?

IT RESTORES ONE'S FAITH, DOESN'T
IT?
[CLEARS THROAT]

IT?
[CLEARS THROAT]
AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE

[CLEARS THROAT]
AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE
BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE

AND IN LOUISIANA, FRANIA TYE LEE
BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE
HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE

BEGAN HER TRIAL, IN WHICH SHE
HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE
PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE

HOPES TO BE DECLARED THE
PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE
H.L. HUNT.

PUTATIVE WIFE OF THE LATE
H.L. HUNT.
PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS

H.L. HUNT.
PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS
RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE

PICTURED HERE, MRS. LEE IS
RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE
HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED

RECOVERING FROM AN ACCIDENT SHE
HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED
ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY

HAD IN POLAND, WHERE HER SEVERED
ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY
IN EMERGENCY SURGERY.

ARM WAS SEWED BACK ONTO HER BODY
IN EMERGENCY SURGERY.
AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK,

IN EMERGENCY SURGERY.
AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK,
THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL

AND FROM DETROIT... THIS WEEK,
THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL
MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT

THE BUICK DIVISION OF GENERAL
MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT
WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH

MOTORS RECALLED 12,000 CARS THAT
WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH
BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG

WERE MISTAKENLY EQUIPPED WITH
BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG
FOR THE ENGINE.

BEDSPREADS WHICH WERE TOO LONG
FOR THE ENGINE.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S

FOR THE ENGINE.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S
CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S
CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

CONSUMER REPORT IS CORRESPONDENT
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
WELCOME, ROSEANNE.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
WELCOME, ROSEANNE.
THANK YOU, JANE.

WELCOME, ROSEANNE.
THANK YOU, JANE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT

THANK YOU, JANE.
WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT
ON TONIGHT?

WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO REPORT
ON TONIGHT?
WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER

ON TONIGHT?
WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER
OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND

WELL, JANE, MR. RICHARD FEDER
OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND
SAYS, "DEAR

OF NEW YORK CITY WRITES IN AND
SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO

SAYS, "DEAR
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO
HEAT.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, I GOT NO
HEAT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"

HEAT.
WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP

WHAT SHOULD I DO?"
WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP
YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.

WELL, MR. FEDER, I WANT TO HELP
YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND

YOU BECAUSE I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL.
ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND
I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME

ONCE I DIDN'T HAVE NO HEAT, AND
I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME
DOWN WITH THE FLU.

I WAS AFRAID I WAS GONNA COME
DOWN WITH THE FLU.
I HAD A TEMPERATURE.

DOWN WITH THE FLU.
I HAD A TEMPERATURE.
I HAD THE CHILLS.

I HAD A TEMPERATURE.
I HAD THE CHILLS.
I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS

I HAD THE CHILLS.
I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS
IN MY APARTMENT.

I DIDN'T HAVE TOO MANY BLANKETS
IN MY APARTMENT.
SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME

IN MY APARTMENT.
SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME
SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE

SO, I WENT OUTSIDE TO GET SOME
SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED

SOUP, 'CAUSE IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE
GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED
UP.

GOOD FOR YOU IF YOU'RE CLOGGED
UP.
I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I

UP.
I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I
ORDERED SOUP.

I GO TO THE RESTAURANT, AND I
ORDERED SOUP.
WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU

ORDERED SOUP.
WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT?

WELL, I GOT IT, AND WOULDN'T YOU
KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT?
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?

KNOW THERE WAS A HAIR IN IT?
CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG.

CAN YOU IMAGINE THAT?
IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.

IT WAS ABOUT THIS LONG.
I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID

I THOUGHT I WAS GONNA DIE.
NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID
YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND

NOW, LET ME ASK YOU THIS... DID
YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND
THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT?

YOU EVER EAT A HAMBURGER, AND
THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT?
YOU KNOW?

THERE'S A HARD THING IN IT?
YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL.

YOU KNOW?
IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL.
AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF

IT'S LIKE A TOENAIL.
AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF
THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE

AND YOU KNOW IT'S NOT PART OF
THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE
THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE

THE HAMBURGER, BUT YOU SEPARATE
THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE
LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON

THE MEAT AND THE PICKLE AND THE
LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON
ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN

LETTUCE AND THE TOMATOES ALL ON
ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN
FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR

ONE SIDE OF YOUR MOUTH, AND THEN
FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR
TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND

FINALLY YOU GET IT ON YOUR
TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND
IT'S LIKE A BONE.

TONGUE, THAT LITTLE THING, AND
IT'S LIKE A BONE.
BUT IT'S NOT A BONE.

IT'S LIKE A BONE.
BUT IT'S NOT A BONE.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,

BUT IT'S NOT A BONE.
I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY

I KEEP ASKING MYSELF,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY
CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA, IF THEY
CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE
WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY

CAN MAKE A COFFEE YOU LIKE
WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY
MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH

WITHOUT CAFFEINE, WHY CAN'T THEY
MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH
NO TOENAILS?

MAKE A HAMBURGER YOU LIKE WITH
NO TOENAILS?
AND WAIT A MINUTE.

NO TOENAILS?
AND WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME

AND WAIT A MINUTE.
WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME
FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A

WHAT ABOUT WHEN YOU GET SOME
FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A
THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT

FRIED CHICKEN, AND YOU GOT A
THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT
A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN

THIGH, YOU GOT A BREAST, YOU GOT
A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN
YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S

A LEG, YOU GOT A WING, AND THEN
YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S
GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING

YOU GOT THIS OTHER PART THAT'S
GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING
ON IT, YOU KNOW?

GOT ABOUT TWO INCHES OF BREADING
ON IT, YOU KNOW?
AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE

ON IT, YOU KNOW?
AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE
BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T

AND AFTER YOU EAT ALL THE
BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE.

BREADING OFF OF IT, YOU DON'T
KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE.
AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF

KNOW WHAT YOU GOT THERE.
AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF
THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT?

AND DID YOU EVER EAT ROAST BEEF
THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S

THAT HAD A RAINBOW ON IT?
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S
BLUE?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN... IT'S
BLUE?
HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR?

BLUE?
HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR?
DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT

HOW DO THEY GET THAT COLOR?
DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT
IN THE RAIN?

DID SOMEONE LEAVE THE BEEF OUT
IN THE RAIN?
[LAUGHS]

IN THE RAIN?
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?

[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?
SOFT-BOILED EGGS.

YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE I HATE?
SOFT-BOILED EGGS.
THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT

SOFT-BOILED EGGS.
THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT
GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND

THERE'S THAT GUCKY PART THAT
GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND
DOWN.

GOES UP AND DOWN AND UP AND
DOWN.
YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON.

DOWN.
YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON.
IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON.

YOU CAN'T KEEP IT ON THE SPOON.
IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON.
IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE.

IT FALLS OFF YOUR SPOON.
IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE.
THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON.

IT GOES DOWN TO THE PLATE.
THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON.
THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE

THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON.
THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE
AGAIN.

THEN IT'S BACK ON THE PLATE
AGAIN.
THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON

AGAIN.
THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON
AGAIN.

THEN IT GOES ON YOUR SPOON
AGAIN.
THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR.

AGAIN.
THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR.
SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND

THEN IT GOES ONTO THE FLOOR.
SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND
EAT IT OFF A TOWEL!

SO, YOU GOT TO WIPE IT UP AND
EAT IT OFF A TOWEL!
AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS...

EAT IT OFF A TOWEL!
AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS...
ROSEANNE.

AND LET ME ASK YOU THIS...
ROSEANNE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

ROSEANNE.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.

WHAT DO YOU WANT?
YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

YOU'RE MAKING ME SICK.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS
WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD

YOU'RE MAKING ME NAUSEOUS
WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD
AND HAIR.

WITH ALL THIS TALK ABOUT FOOD
AND HAIR.
WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A

AND HAIR.
WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A
GUY WITH NO HEAT?

WHAT HAS THIS GOT TO DO ABOUT A
GUY WITH NO HEAT?
WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO

GUY WITH NO HEAT?
WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO
SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS

WELL, JANE, IT ALL GOES TO
SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.

SHOW YOU THAT IT'S ALWAYS
SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY

SOMETHING.
IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY
TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY

IT'S LIKE MY FATHER USED TO SAY
TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY
GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.

TO ME WHEN I WAS A LITTLE, TINY
GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY,

GIRL BEFORE I WENT TO SLEEP.
HE'D SAY,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,

HE'D SAY,
"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.

"ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA,
IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.

IT'S A JUNGLE OUT THERE.
EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.
YOU MADE YOUR BED.

EVERY DOG HAS ITS DAY.
YOU MADE YOUR BED.
SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT.

YOU MADE YOUR BED.
SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT.
DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS

SO, NOW YOU GOT TO SLEEP IN IT.
DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS
YOU.

DON'T BITE THE HAND THAT FEEDS
YOU.
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE

YOU.
WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE
TOUGH GET GOING.

WHEN THE GOING GETS TOUGH, THE
TOUGH GET GOING.
DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK.

TOUGH GET GOING.
DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK.
AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A

DON'T CRY OVER SPILT MILK.
AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A
DOZEN OF THE OTHER.

AND IT'S SIX OF ONE, HALF A
DOZEN OF THE OTHER.
TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.

DOZEN OF THE OTHER.
TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.
GOOD NIGHT,

TOMORROW'S ANOTHER DAY.
GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
ROSEANNE...

I THINK THAT, UH... I THINK THAT
YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT WHEN HE
SAID, "GOOD NIGHT,

YOUR FATHER WAS RIGHT WHEN HE
SAID, "GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."

SAID, "GOOD NIGHT,
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA."
WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME

WELL, LOOK, JANE, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME
TONIGHT?

YOU LIKE TO HAVE DINNER WITH ME
TONIGHT?
I WOULD...

TONIGHT?
I WOULD...
[LAUGHS]

I WOULD...
[LAUGHS]
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.

[LAUGHS]
ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
ALL RIGHT.

ROSEANNE ROSANNADANNA.
ALL RIGHT.
[CHUCKLES]

ALL RIGHT.
[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[CHUCKLES]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF "SATURDAY
NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT" NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY.

INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY.
HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE

CENTURY.
HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE
NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE

HERE'S THE MAN WITH THE
NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE
COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN.

NUMBER-ONE RECORD IN THE
COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN.
[RANDY NEWMAN'S "SHORT PEOPLE"

COUNTRY... RANDY NEWMAN.
[RANDY NEWMAN'S "SHORT PEOPLE"
PLAYS]

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT
NO REASON ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪

NO REASON ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON
TO LIVE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NO REASON
TO LIVE ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪

TO LIVE ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪
♪ LITTLE EYES ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE HANDS ♪
♪ LITTLE EYES ♪
♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT

♪ LITTLE EYES ♪
♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT
BIG LIES ♪

♪ THEY WALK AROUND TELLIN' GREAT
BIG LIES ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪

BIG LIES ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪
♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE NOSES ♪
♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪
♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪

♪ AND TINY LITTLE TEETH ♪
♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪
♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪

♪ THEY WEAR PLATFORM SHOES ♪
♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪
♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT

♪ ON THEIR NASTY LITTLE FEET ♪
♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT
PEOPLE ♪

♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT
PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE

♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE
'ROUND HERE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE ARE JUST THE
SAME AS YOU AND I ♪
♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪

SAME AS YOU AND I ♪
♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪
♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL

♪ A FOOL SUCH AS I ♪
♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL
THE DAY THEY DIE ♪

♪ ALL MEN ARE BROTHERS UNTIL
THE DAY THEY DIE ♪
♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪

THE DAY THEY DIE ♪
♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪

♪ IT'S A WONDERFUL WORLD ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY ♪
♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO
LOVE ♪

♪ SHORT PEOPLE GOT NOBODY TO
LOVE ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪
♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE BABY LEGS ♪
♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪

♪ AND THEY STAND SO LOW ♪
♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪
♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪

♪ YOU GOT TO PICK 'EM UP ♪
♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO

♪ JUST TO SAY HELLO ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE CARS THAT GO
BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN'

BEEP, BEEP, BEEP ♪
♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN'
PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪

♪ THEY GOT LITTLE VOICES GOIN'
PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪
♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS

PEEP, PEEP, PEEP ♪
♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS
AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪

♪ THEY GOT GRUBBY LITTLE FINGERS
AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪
♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY

AND DIRTY LITTLE MINDS ♪
♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY
TIME ♪

♪ THEY'RE GONNA GET YOU EVERY
TIME ♪
♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT

TIME ♪
♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT
PEOPLE ♪

♪ WELL, I DON'T WANT NO SHORT
PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪

PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE

♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE ♪
♪ DON'T WANT NO SHORT PEOPLE
'ROUND HERE ♪

[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT.
[COUGHS]

ALL RIGHT.
[COUGHS]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[COUGHS]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU.
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR

THANK YOU.
I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR
THAT SONG, YOU KNOW?

I'VE TAKEN A LOT OF ABUSE FOR
THAT SONG, YOU KNOW?
I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE

THAT SONG, YOU KNOW?
I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE
WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS

I'VE BEEN ON THE NEWS, AND THERE
WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS
AT ME.

WERE LITTLE PEOPLE THROWING EGGS
AT ME.
AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY

AT ME.
AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY
DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T

AND I DON'T THINK I REALLY
DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T
COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I

DESERVED IT, AND I HAVEN'T
COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I
WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY.

COMMENTED ON IT TILL NOW, BUT I
WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY.
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE

WANTED TO RESPOND IN SOME WAY.
AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED

AND I JUST WANTED TO SAY TO THE
PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED
BY IT... PBHT!

PEOPLE THAT ARE REALLY OFFENDED
BY IT... PBHT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SENSITIVE, TOO, YOU KNOW?
THIS IS A SONG THAT WILL ONLY
OFFEND REAL COWBOYS.

THIS IS A SONG THAT WILL ONLY
OFFEND REAL COWBOYS.
[RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE

OFFEND REAL COWBOYS.
[RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE
RAIN" PLAYS]

[RANDY NEWMAN'S "RIDER IN THE
RAIN" PLAYS]
♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪

[RAIN" PLAYS]
♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪
♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪

♪ GOT A GUN IN MY HOLSTER ♪
♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ GOT A HORSE BETWEEN MY KNEES ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU
PLEASE ♪

♪ PARDON ME, BOYS, IF YOU
PLEASE ♪
♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪

PLEASE ♪
♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪
♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE

♪ I HAVE BEEN A DESPERADO ♪
♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE
PLAINS ♪

♪ RAPED AND PILLAGED ACROSS THE
PLAINS ♪
♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

PLAINS ♪
♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪
♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪

♪ OH, MY MOTHER'S IN ST. LOUIS ♪
♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪
♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ MY BRIDE'S IN TENNESSEE ♪
♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪

♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ WITH A BANJO ON MY KNEE ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ USED TO WORK

♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ USED TO WORK
IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪

♪ USED TO WORK
IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪
♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE

IN UNCLE'S FEED STORE ♪
♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE
WAR ♪

♪ WHILE HE WAS FIGHTIN' IN THE
WAR ♪
♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

WAR ♪
♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO

♪ NOW I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO
MORE ♪

♪ AIN'T GONNA WORK FOR HIM NO
MORE ♪
♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪

MORE ♪
♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪
♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE

♪ I'M THE SON OF THE PRAIRIE ♪
♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE
PLAIN ♪

♪ AND THE WIND THAT SWEEPS THE
PLAIN ♪
♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

PLAIN ♪
♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ SO, I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ BE A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

♪ I'M A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪

♪ HE'S A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I'M A RIDER ♪
♪ AND I'M GOIN' TO ARIZONA ♪
♪ JUST A RIDER IN THE RAIN ♪

TAKE IT BOYS.
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ MMM ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ MMM ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR FAMILY
GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"!

AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR FAMILY
GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"!
AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,

GAME SHOW... "FAMILY FEUD"!
AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,
FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR,

AND NOW HERE'S YOUR HOST,
FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR,
RICHARD DAWSON!

FORMER "HOGAN'S HEROES" REGULAR,
RICHARD DAWSON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD DAWSON!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HELLO, EVERYBODY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M

HELLO, EVERYBODY.
I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M
PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE

I HOPE YOU'RE AS EXCITED AS I'M
PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE
READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD."

PRETENDING TO BE BECAUSE WE'RE
READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD."
OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY?

READY TO PLAY "FAMILY FEUD."
OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY?
LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE

OKAY, IS EVERYONE READY?
LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE
JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY

LET'S MEET OUR FIRST FAMILY, THE
JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY
MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE

JOE MELS, FROM EL CAMINO DEL REY
MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE
THEY ARE!

MAR VISTA, CALIFORNIA, AND HERE
THEY ARE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THEY ARE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[LAUGHS]
SETTLE DOWN, KIDS.

[LAUGHS]
SETTLE DOWN, KIDS.
HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL

SETTLE DOWN, KIDS.
HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

HELLO, JOE, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
HELLO, RICHARD.

US WHAT YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
HELLO, RICHARD.
I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE

HELLO, RICHARD.
I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE
ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS

I'M THE SPOKESMAN FOR THE
ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS
ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA.

ROMAINE LETTUCE GROWERS
ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA.
YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE

ASSOCIATION OF CALIFORNIA.
YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE
ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS,

YOU KNOW, TOO MANY PEOPLE USE
ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS,
AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW

ICEBERG LETTUCE IN THEIR SALADS,
AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW
EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A

AND YOU'D BE SURPRISED JUST HOW
EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A
LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE!

EXCITING A SALAD CAN BE WITH A
LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE!
WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE

LITTLE ROMAINE LETTUCE!
WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE
ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR

WELL, SO FAR, JOE, YOU'RE
ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR
SALADS.

ABOUT AS EXCITING AS ONE OF YOUR
SALADS.
SO LET US MOVE ON.

SALADS.
SO LET US MOVE ON.
[LAUGHTER]

SO LET US MOVE ON.
[LAUGHTER]
GIVE US A KISS. COME ON.

[LAUGHTER]
GIVE US A KISS. COME ON.
MWAH!

GIVE US A KISS. COME ON.
MWAH!
TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY?

MWAH!
TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY?
WELL, I TEACH AN

TELL US, WHAT DO YOU DO, HONEY?
WELL, I TEACH AN
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR

WELL, I TEACH AN
ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR
WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR

ASSERTIVENESS TRAINING CLASS FOR
WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR
VISTA.

WOMEN IN EL CAMINO DEL RAY MAR
VISTA.
AND I COOK.

VISTA.
AND I COOK.
AND WHAT DO YOU COOK?

AND I COOK.
AND WHAT DO YOU COOK?
OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A

AND WHAT DO YOU COOK?
OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A
LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs!

OH, WELL, I COOK SALADS AND A
LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs!
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR

LOT OF ROMAINE BLTs!
WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR
DINNER!

WE'D LOVE TO HAVE YOU COME FOR
DINNER!
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T

DINNER!
ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T
MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, IF I CAN'T
MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT.
[LAUGHTER]

MAKE IT, I'LL SEND MY RABBIT.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT.

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT.
WE DO!

YOU KNOW, WE HAVE A RABBIT.
WE DO!
ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE

WE DO!
ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE
MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON.

ALL RIGHT, AND NOW HERE'S THE
MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON.
THIS IS JOE MEL JR.

MELS' CUTE LITTLE SON.
THIS IS JOE MEL JR.
HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND

THIS IS JOE MEL JR.
HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND
WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU

HE'S A SHARP LITTLE GUY, AND
WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU
TODAY, LITTLE FELLA!

WE'RE EXPECTING A LOT FROM YOU
TODAY, LITTLE FELLA!
UH, CAN WE CUT THE

TODAY, LITTLE FELLA!
UH, CAN WE CUT THE
CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE

UH, CAN WE CUT THE
CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE
GAME?

CONDESCENDING CRAP AND PLAY THE
GAME?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE.

GAME?
WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE.
OKAY, LET'S MEET THE

WELL, WHATEVER YOU SAY, JOE.
OKAY, LET'S MEET THE
CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD

OKAY, LET'S MEET THE
CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD
FAMILY!

CHALLENGERS, THE BELDAR CONEHEAD
FAMILY!
COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS!

FAMILY!
COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COME ON OUT HERE, CONEHEADS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HELLO, BELDAR.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
HELLO, BELDAR.
GREETINGS.

HELLO, BELDAR.
GREETINGS.
HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA.

GREETINGS.
HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

HEY, YOU'RE A BIG FELLA.
WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?
I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.
MM-HMM.

I AM A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR.
MM-HMM.
AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME

MM-HMM.
AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME
FROM?

AND WHERE DO YOU FOLKS COME
FROM?
FRANCE.

FROM?
FRANCE.
WE COME FROM FRANCE.

FRANCE.
WE COME FROM FRANCE.
OKAY, AND HELLO THERE,

WE COME FROM FRANCE.
OKAY, AND HELLO THERE,
MRS. CONEHEAD.

OKAY, AND HELLO THERE,
MRS. CONEHEAD.
MWAH!

MRS. CONEHEAD.
MWAH!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO

MWAH!
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO
YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, AND WHAT DO
YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR
HAPPY?

YOU DO BESIDES KEEPING BELDAR
HAPPY?
I AM PRYMAAT.

HAPPY?
I AM PRYMAAT.
I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND

I AM PRYMAAT.
I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND
ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES

I MAINTAIN OUR HOME BASE AND
ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES
OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY

ENJOY PREPARING MASS QUANTITIES
OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY
UNIT.

OF CONSUMABLES FOR MY FAMILY
UNIT.
MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO

UNIT.
MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO
YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR

MM-HMM, WELL, GOOD LUCK TO
YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR
LOVELY DAUGHTER.

YOU, PRYMAAT, AND THIS IS YOUR
LOVELY DAUGHTER.
I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD

LOVELY DAUGHTER.
I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD
LOOKS.

I SEE WHERE YOU GET HER GOOD
LOOKS.
YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE

LOOKS.
YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE
YOU A FRENCH KISS.

YOU'RE FRENCH, SO I'M GONNA GIVE
YOU A FRENCH KISS.
HOW'S THAT?

YOU A FRENCH KISS.
HOW'S THAT?
MMM!

HOW'S THAT?
MMM!
OH, BABY! OH, BABY!

MMM!
OH, BABY! OH, BABY!
MMM.

OH, BABY! OH, BABY!
MMM.
WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN

MMM.
WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN
FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK?

WELL, UH, THEY START EARLY IN
FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR?

FRANCE, WHAT THE HECK?
WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR?
WHAT DO YOU DO?

WHAT'S YOUR NAME, DEAR?
WHAT DO YOU DO?
MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM

WHAT DO YOU DO?
MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM
16 EARTH YEARS OLD.

MY NAME IS CONNIE, AND I AM
16 EARTH YEARS OLD.
ALL RIGHT.

16 EARTH YEARS OLD.
ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S OUR FAMILIES.

ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S OUR FAMILIES.
NOW LET'S START THE FEUD.

THERE'S OUR FAMILIES.
NOW LET'S START THE FEUD.
COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR.

NOW LET'S START THE FEUD.
COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR.
LET'S GO.

COME ON, JOE AND BELDAR.
LET'S GO.
[APPLAUSE]

LET'S GO.
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A

[APPLAUSE]
OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A
LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA.

OKAY, DOCTOR, WE'RE GONNA NEED A
LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA.
THERE YOU GO.

LITTLE MORE ROOM, BIG FELLA.
THERE YOU GO.
STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL

THERE YOU GO.
STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL
GET HIT.

STAND BEHIND THIS LINE OR YOU'LL
GET HIT.
ALL RIGHT.

GET HIT.
ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION,

ALL RIGHT.
HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION,
WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN

HERE'S THE TOSS-UP QUESTION,
WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN
OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.

WHICH WE ASKED OF 100 PEOPLE IN
OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.
TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY

OUR STUDIO AUDIENCE.
TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY
GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT?

TRY TO GIVE THE ANSWER THAT THEY
GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT?
NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO

GAVE THE MOST, ALL RIGHT?
NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE.

NAME SOMETHING PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE.
[RINGING]

BITE.
[RINGING]
PROTOID CAPSULES.

[RINGING]
PROTOID CAPSULES.
PROTOID CAPSULES?

PROTOID CAPSULES.
PROTOID CAPSULES?
THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER.

PROTOID CAPSULES?
THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT,

THAT'S AN INTERESTING ANSWER.
I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT,
BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY.

I NEVER WOULD HAVE SAID THAT,
BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY.
SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"!

BUT YOU SAID THAT, BIG GUY.
SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]

SO, SHOW ME "PROTOID CAPSULES"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR.

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR.
THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD

TOUGH LUCK THERE, BELDAR.
THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD
YOU HAVE THERE.

THAT'S A VERY INTERESTING HEAD
YOU HAVE THERE.
WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND

YOU HAVE THERE.
WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND
LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT?

WHAT DO I DO, BREAK IT OPEN AND
LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT?
[CHUCKLES]

LET ALL THE PRESENTS FALL OUT?
[CHUCKLES]
ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT

[CHUCKLES]
ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT
BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU

ALL RIGHT, MEL FAMILY, YOU MIGHT
BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU
CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE

BE ABLE TO STEAL THIS ONE IF YOU
CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE
AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO

CAN TELL ME SOMETHING THAT THE
AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE.

AUDIENCE SAYS PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE.
UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE.

BITE.
UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE.
OKAY.

UH... ROMAINE LETTUCE.
OKAY.
SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"!

OKAY.
SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"!
[DING!]

SHOW ME "ROMAINE LETTUCE"!
[DING!]
ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID

[DING!]
ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID
"ROMAINE LETTUCE".

ALL RIGHT, ONE PERSON SAID
"ROMAINE LETTUCE".
YOU'RE ON THE BOARD.

"ROMAINE LETTUCE".
YOU'RE ON THE BOARD.
NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA

YOU'RE ON THE BOARD.
NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA
PASS OR PLAY?

NOW, MEL FAMILY, ARE YOU GONNA
PASS OR PLAY?
PASS! PASS! PASS!

PASS OR PLAY?
PASS! PASS! PASS!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!

PASS! PASS! PASS!
PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!
THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION.

PLAY! PLAY! PLAY!
THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION.
I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE

THAT'S A TOUGH QUESTION.
I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE
LETTUCE.

I CAN ONLY THINK OF ROMAINE
LETTUCE.
WE'RE GONNA PASS.

LETTUCE.
WE'RE GONNA PASS.
ALL RIGHT.

WE'RE GONNA PASS.
ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO

ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO
YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED

ALL RIGHT, PRYMAAT, WHAT ELSE DO
YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED
PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE?

YOU THINK OUR SURVEY SHOWED
PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE?
ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR

PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE?
ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR
VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO

ORGANICALLY INACTIVE MEAT OR
VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO
STARCHED PLAINS.

VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN TWO
STARCHED PLAINS.
IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO

STARCHED PLAINS.
IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO
FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE

IT'S A LONG WALK BACK TO
FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE
RIGHT, PRYMAAT.

FRANCE IF YOU DON'T GET THIS ONE
RIGHT, PRYMAAT.
ALL RIGHT.

RIGHT, PRYMAAT.
ALL RIGHT.
SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE

ALL RIGHT.
SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE
MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN

SHOW ME "ORGANICALLY INACTIVE
MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN
TWO STARCHED PLAINS!"

MEAT OR VEGETABLE MATTER BETWEEN
TWO STARCHED PLAINS!"
[DING!]

TWO STARCHED PLAINS!"
[DING!]
SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT!

[DING!]
SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT!
THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY.

SANDWICH! ALL RIGHT!
THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY.
12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH.

THAT'S ACCEPTABLE. OKAY.
12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH.
ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING

12 PEOPLE SAID SANDWICH.
ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING
THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.

ALL RIGHT, CONNIE, SOMETHING
THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.
HMM. THE BIG ONE!

THAT PEOPLE LIKE TO BITE.
HMM. THE BIG ONE!
BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT.

HMM. THE BIG ONE!
BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT.
DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG

BITE THE BIG ONE, ALL RIGHT.
DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG
ONE?

DOES OUR AUDIENCE BITE THE BIG
ONE?
WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT

ONE?
WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT
ONE.

WELL, WE ALL WANT TO KNOW THAT
ONE.
WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW.

ONE.
WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW.
SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!"

WE'RE GONNA FIND OUT RIGHT NOW.
SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!"
[DING!]

SHOW ME "THE BIG ONE!"
[DING!]
ALL RIGHT!

[DING!]
ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT!
ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW,

ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW,
CONEHEADS.

YOU'RE REALLY ROLLING NOW,
CONEHEADS.
NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR.

CONEHEADS.
NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR.
WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO

NOW, IT'S UP TO YOU, BELDAR.
WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE?

WHAT ELSE DO PEOPLE LIKE TO
BITE?
A TRAPEZE!

BITE?
A TRAPEZE!
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,

A TRAPEZE!
JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS?

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY,
BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

BELDAR, ARE YOU CIRCUS FOLKS?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[LAUGHTER]

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I HAD TO ASK.

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, I HAD TO ASK.
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"!

WELL, I HAD TO ASK.
ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]

ALL RIGHT, SHOW ME "TRAPEZE"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
ALL RIGHT.

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
ALL RIGHT.
MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A

ALL RIGHT.
MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A
CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS

MEL FAMILY, NOW YOU'VE GOT A
CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS
AND WIN THE GAME.

CHANCE TO STEAL ALL THE POINTS
AND WIN THE GAME.
OKAY, CHICKEN NECK!

AND WIN THE GAME.
OKAY, CHICKEN NECK!
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?

OKAY, CHICKEN NECK!
WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG!

WHAT'S IT GONNA BE?
THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG!
DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME

THE LIP SKIN OF A DOG!
DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?

DAD, WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME
FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?
I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN

FOR ONCE IN YOUR LIFE?
I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN
NECK.

I'M TELLING YOU IT'S CHICKEN
NECK.
WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME

NECK.
WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME
DECIDE?!

WOULD YOU SHUT UP AND LET ME
DECIDE?!
WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON

DECIDE?!
WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON
THIS.

WE'LL GO WITH CHICKEN NECK ON
THIS.
OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE

THIS.
OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE

OKAY, JOE, YOU'RE GONNA TAKE
JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE
WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN.

JOE JR.'s ADVICE, AND IF YOU'RE
WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN.
CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK!

WRONG, THE CONEHEADS WILL WIN.
CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK!
ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK.

CHICKEN NECK! CHICKEN NECK!
ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK.
SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"!

ALL RIGHT. GOOD LUCK.
SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]

SHOW ME "CHICKEN NECK"!
[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

[BUZZER SOUNDS]
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
YOU STUPID MORON!

[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]
YOU STUPID MORON!
WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY

YOU STUPID MORON!
WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY
SCHOOL!

WE'RE SENDING YOU TO MILITARY
SCHOOL!
I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO!

SCHOOL!
I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO!
OH, SHUT UP.

I WANT TO GO! I WANT TO GO!
OH, SHUT UP.
YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME!

OH, SHUT UP.
YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME!
I DON'T WANT IT!

YOU DON'T DESERVE MY NAME!
I DON'T WANT IT!
I DON'T WANT IT!

I DON'T WANT IT!
I DON'T WANT IT!
WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY

I DON'T WANT IT!
WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY
BUNCH OF CONEHEADS!

WELL, WHAT A HAPPY, HAPPY
BUNCH OF CONEHEADS!
HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS?

BUNCH OF CONEHEADS!
HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS?
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]

HOW ABOUT IT, CONEHEADS?
[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]
WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL

[HIGH-PITCHED SQUEALING]
WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL
FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT.

WELL, WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY, MEL
FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT.
WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN

FAMILY, BUT I GUESS YOU'RE OUT.
WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN
WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS.

WELL, WE KNEW THEY'D WIN WHEN
WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS.
WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID

WE SAW THE SIZE OF THEIR HEADS.
WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID
IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME,

WELL, I'M SURE THAT WAS SAID
IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME,
HUH?

IN THE BEST SPIRIT OF THE GAME,
HUH?
NO, IT WASN'T.

HUH?
NO, IT WASN'T.
[CHUCKLES]

NO, IT WASN'T.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE
YOU'RE LOSERS.

WELL, NOBODY CARES BECAUSE
YOU'RE LOSERS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

YOU'RE LOSERS.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD
FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR CONEHEAD
FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A
CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY.

FAMILY, YOUR FAMILY'S GOT A
CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY.
WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU?

CHANCE TO PLAY FAST MONEY.
WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU?
I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO

WHO'S GONNA PLAY FOR IT FOR YOU?
I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO
OBTAIN FAST MONEY.

I, BELDAR, WILL ATTEMPT TO
OBTAIN FAST MONEY.
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON!

OBTAIN FAST MONEY.
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON!
LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY!

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, COME ON!
LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY!
COME ON DOWN HERE!

LET'S MAKE SOME FAST MONEY!
COME ON DOWN HERE!
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK

COME ON DOWN HERE!
ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK
YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM

ALL RIGHT, BELDAR, I'M GONNA ASK
YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM
$100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM

YOU FIVE QUESTIONS APIECE, FROM
$100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM
ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY?

$100 APIECE, AND YOU ANSWER THEM
ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY?
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST

ALL IN 15 SECONDS, OKAY?
I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST
THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR

I WANT YOU TO TELL ME THE FIRST
THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR
HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A

THING THAT COMES INTO YOUR
HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A
LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE

HEAD, WHICH WILL PROBABLY BE A
LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE
HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE

LOW-FLYING PLANE, AND WE'LL SEE
HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE
SURVEY, OKAY?

HOW IT JIVES WITH OUR AUDIENCE
SURVEY, OKAY?
PROCEED, HUMAN, PROCEED!

SURVEY, OKAY?
PROCEED, HUMAN, PROCEED!
IS THAT LIKE "GO, MAN, GO"?

ALL RIGHT, NAME A FAMOUS

EXPLORER.

ZYTHRON THE INSISTENT.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

THE BIGGEST HOLIDAY OF THE

YEAR.

THE MOONS OF MYPZOR.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

A PLACE YOU KEEP YOUR

VALUABLES.

IN A MOLDROTH ION FIELD.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

A MODE OF TRANSPORTATION.

THE FOAM SHOE.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]

SOMETHING YOU EAT WITH EGGS.

FIBERGLASS.

OKAY, BELDAR, VERY
INTERESTING.
YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE,

INTERESTING.
YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE,
FELLA.

YOU WERE ON QUITE A ROLL THERE,
FELLA.
NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T

FELLA.
NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T
FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

NO POINTS, NO MONEY... DON'T
FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH.
WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND

FEEL BAD ABOUT IT, THOUGH.
WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND
YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT

WE'LL BE BACK TOMORROW, AND
YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT
THE FAST MONEY.

YOU'LL HAVE ANOTHER CHANCE AT
THE FAST MONEY.
UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY,

THE FAST MONEY.
UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY,
REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR

UNTIL THEN, EVERYBODY,
REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR
GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE.

REMEMBER... OLD PEOPLE ARE OUR
GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE.
[IMITATING BUZZER]

GREATEST NATIONAL RESOURCE.
[IMITATING BUZZER]
SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH

[IMITATING BUZZER]
SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH
THEM AROUND THE BLOCK.

SO, CHECK IN ONE TODAY AND PUSH
THEM AROUND THE BLOCK.
SO LONG, EVERYBODY!

THEM AROUND THE BLOCK.
SO LONG, EVERYBODY!
[CONEHEADS IMITATING BUZZER]

GOOD EVENING. I'M JOAN CAGE.
WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES

WELCOME AGAIN TO "WHAT IF?"
THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES
FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE

THIS WEEK'S "WHAT IF?" COMES
FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE
9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON,

FROM A MR. KEVIN O'DONNELL, AGE
9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON,
ILLINOIS.

9, A PAPERBOY FROM ALTON,
ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON

ILLINOIS.
KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON
HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF

KEVIN ASKS, "WHAT IF NAPOLEON
HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF
WATERLOO?"

WITH US TO HELP ANSWER THIS

QUESTION IS TONIGHT'S "WHAT IF?"

PANEL OF EXPERTS,

MR. JULIUS CARRUTHERS, A

CUM LAUDE GRADUATE OF

HOWARD UNIVERSITY IN MODERN

EUROPEAN HISTORY AND FRENCH,

AND COLONEL RAY EGGHARDT OF THE

LONG ISLAND POST OF THE

INTERNATIONAL GUARD RESERVE,

RETIRED.

MR. CARRUTHERS, WHAT IF NAPOLEON
HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF
WATERLOO?

HAD A B-52 AT THE BATTLE OF
WATERLOO?
WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME

WATERLOO?
WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME
POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE

WELL, AT THE OFFSET, LET ME
POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE
YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK

POINT OUT TO KEVIN THAT IN THE
YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK
FINALLY RAN OUT.

YEAR 1815, NAPOLEON'S LUCK
FINALLY RAN OUT.
VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED

FINALLY RAN OUT.
VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED
AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA,

VIRTUALLY ALL EUROPE WAS ALLIED
AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA,
PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD

AGAINST HIM... AUSTRIA, RUSSIA,
PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD
UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE

PRUSSIA, AND GREAT BRITAIN HAD
UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE
PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS

UNITED AT WATERLOO FOR ONE
PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS
EMPIRE.

PURPOSE... THE DOWNFALL OF HIS
EMPIRE.
I HAVE TO AGREE WITH

EMPIRE.
I HAVE TO AGREE WITH
MR. CARRUTHERS.

I HAVE TO AGREE WITH
MR. CARRUTHERS.
NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT

MR. CARRUTHERS.
NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT
WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN

NAPOLEON'S SITUATION AT
WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN
WORSE.

WATERLOO COULD HARDLY HAVE BEEN
WORSE.
HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE

WORSE.
HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE
CHANCE TO USE A B-52.

HE WOULD HAVE JUMPED AT THE
CHANCE TO USE A B-52.
MM-HMM.

CHANCE TO USE A B-52.
MM-HMM.
SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE

MM-HMM.
SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE
MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE.

SO, YOU THINK IT WOULD HAVE
MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE.
WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY

MADE A DIFFERENCE IN THE BATTLE.
WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY
AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815

WELL, JOAN, THE USE OF ANY
AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815
WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE,

AIR SUPPORT IN THE YEAR 1815
WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE,
PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH

WOULD HAVE BEEN EFFECTIVE,
PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH
THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF

PARTICULARLY AN AIRCRAFT WITH
THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF
THE B-52.

THE STRATEGIC CAPABILITIES OF
THE B-52.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR

THE B-52.
WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR
DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S

WHICH BRINGS US TO OUR
DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S
HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT

DRAMATIZATION OF TONIGHT'S
HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT
IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE

HISTORICAL HYPOTHESIS... "WHAT
IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE
BATTLE OF WATERLOO?"

IF NAPOLEON HAD A B-52 AT THE
BATTLE OF WATERLOO?"
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[French accent] IT'S

HOPELESS.

VIRTUALLY ALL IS LOST.

EUROPE HAS ALLIED AGAINST ME...

AUSTRIA, RUSSIA, PRUSSIA, AND

ENGLAND.

I MIGHT AS WELL GIVE UP!
[French accent] OH, NAPPY,
DON'T DESPAIR.

[French accent] OH, NAPPY,
DON'T DESPAIR.
I KNOW YOU.

DON'T DESPAIR.
I KNOW YOU.
YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN

I KNOW YOU.
YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN
AUSTERLITZ.

YOU WERE LIKE THIS IN
AUSTERLITZ.
SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO

AUSTERLITZ.
SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO
HAPPEN!

SOMETHING GOOD IS BOUND TO
HAPPEN!
NOT THIS TIME.

HAPPEN!
NOT THIS TIME.
I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT.

NOT THIS TIME.
I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT.
[French accent] YOUR

I'M AFRAID MY LUCK HAS RUN OUT.
[French accent] YOUR
EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE

[French accent] YOUR
EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND!

EXCELLENCY, YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND!
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR

WHAT WE'VE JUST FOUND!
I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT IT.

I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR
ABOUT IT.
BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A

ABOUT IT.
BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A
FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52

BUT YOUR EXCELLENCY, IT'S A
FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52
STRATOFORTRESS WITH A

FUELED, FULLY ARMED BOEING B-52
STRATOFORTRESS WITH A
FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX!

STRATOFORTRESS WITH A
FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX!
YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE

FULL-COMPLEMENT CREW OF SIX!
YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE
A LOOK!

YOU MUST AT LEAST COME AND HAVE
A LOOK!
WHY BOTHER?

A LOOK!
WHY BOTHER?
OH, MON DIEU!

WHY BOTHER?
OH, MON DIEU!
STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY.

OH, MON DIEU!
STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?

STOP WITH THIS SELF-PITY.
WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY

WHAT HAVE YOU GOT TO LOSE?
PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY
DEAR.

PERHAPS YOU ARE RIGHT, MY
DEAR.
IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE.

DEAR.
IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE.
IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN.

IF WE FAIL, WE LOSE.
IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN.
LET'S BOLT.

IF WE SUCCEED, WE WIN.
LET'S BOLT.
["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS]

YES, THIS IS REALLY QUITE
INCREDIBLE.
AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE?

INCREDIBLE.
AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE?
[Southern accent] UH,

AH, ISN'T IT HARD TO BELIEVE?
[Southern accent] UH,
EMPEROR?

[Southern accent] UH,
EMPEROR?
I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU

EMPEROR?
I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU
"EMPEROR."

I GUESS I'LL JUST CALL YOU
"EMPEROR."
WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET

"EMPEROR."
WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET
AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR.

WE'RE JUST ABOUT OVER THE TARGET
AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR.
TARGET AREA.

AREA RIGHT NOW, SIR.
TARGET AREA.
WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM!

TARGET AREA.
WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM!
I WAS NOT INFORMED!

WHERE? I DO NOT SEE THEM!
I WAS NOT INFORMED!
NO, NO.

I WAS NOT INFORMED!
NO, NO.
WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR

NO, NO.
WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR
RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE

WELL, THE ENEMY'S GONNA APPEAR
RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE
AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE.

RIGHT HERE ON THIS SCREEN HERE
AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE.
AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW

AS THIS BLIP RIGHT HERE.
AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW
FROM UP HERE.

AND THAT'S ALL YOU GOT TO KNOW
FROM UP HERE.
WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES

FROM UP HERE.
WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES
THIS.

WAIT UNTIL WELLINGTON SEES
THIS.
I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT

THIS.
I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT
POSSIBLE!

I'LL BET HE NEVER DREAMED IT
POSSIBLE!
OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED.

POSSIBLE!
OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED.
WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE.

OUR MAIN PROCEDURE INITIATED.
WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE.
YEAH.

WE HAVE GREEN SEQUENCE.
YEAH.
OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY

YEAH.
OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY
PRETTY.

OH, THE LIGHTS ARE VERY
PRETTY.
MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE

PRETTY.
MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME OVER HERE?

MR. BONAPARTE, WOULD YOU LIKE
TO COME OVER HERE?
I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE

TO COME OVER HERE?
I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE
EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING

I'LL SHOW YOU SOME OF THE
EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING
AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY.

EQUIPMENT THAT WE'LL BE USING
AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY.
JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR

AGAINST THE BRITISH TODAY.
JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR
CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE

JUST TO FAMILIARIZE YOU WITH OUR
CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE
WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY

CONSOLE HERE, THIS SWITCH HERE
WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY
ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED

WILL ACTIVATE EIGHT EXTERNALLY
ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED
S.R.A.M. MISSILES.

ANCHORED, ROTARY-DISPENSED
S.R.A.M. MISSILES.
WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY

S.R.A.M. MISSILES.
WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY
CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS

WE LIKE TO CALL THEM "DAISY
CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS
SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER

CUTTERS," AND RIGHT HERE, THIS
SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER
A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES.

SWITCH WILL ACTIVATE TWO SMALLER
A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES.
AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL,

A.G.M. "HOUND DOG" MISSILES.
AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL,
THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES.

AND RIGHT OVER HERE IS... WELL,
THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES.
THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF

THIS DROPS ALL THE MARBLES.
THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF
100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR

THAT'S 30,000 K.G.s OF
100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR
EXPLOSIVES...

100-MEGATON CHARGED NUCLEAR
EXPLOSIVES...
WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE

EXPLOSIVES...
WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE
TARGET COORDINATES.

WE ARE NOW DIRECTLY OVER THE
TARGET COORDINATES.
WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE.

TARGET COORDINATES.
WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE.
SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT

WE HAVE A GREEN SEQUENCE.
SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT
OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW.

SO, UH, WELL, WE'RE RIGHT
OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW.
EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO

OVER THE TARGET RIGHT NOW.
EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO
DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND,

EMPEROR, IF YOU'D JUST LIKE TO
DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND,
MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE

DROP OUR PRINCIPLE PAYLOAD, AND,
MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE
OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES...

MA'AM, IF YOU'D LIKE TO RELEASE
OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES...
SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY,

OUR AIR-TO-SURFACE MISSILES...
SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY,
MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO

SO LONG AS YOU'RE ABOARD TODAY,
MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO
THAT?

MA'AM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST DO
THAT?
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK

THAT?
I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK
ON WELLINGTON'S FACE.

I WOULD LOVE TO SEE THE LOOK
ON WELLINGTON'S FACE.
[LOUD EXPLOSION]

["LA MARSEILLAISE" PLAYS]

ANY FINAL WORDS, GENTLEMEN?
I HAVEN'T PREPARED ANY.
WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD

I HAVEN'T PREPARED ANY.
WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD
THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52

WELL, JOAN, I WOULD JUST ADD
THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52
AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL

THAT IF NAPOLEON HAD USED A B-52
AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL
BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY.

AT WATERLOO, WE'D PROBABLY ALL
BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY.
[LAUGHTER]

BE PARLEZ-VOUSING FRENCH TODAY.
[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN,

[LAUGHTER]
WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN,
FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF

WELL, THANK YOU, GENTLEMEN,
FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF
COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR

FOR BEING WITH US, AND, OF
COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR
YOUR QUESTION.

COURSE, THANK YOU, KEVIN, FOR
YOUR QUESTION.
NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S

YOUR QUESTION.
NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S
SHOW.

NOW FOR THE MAIL ON LAST WEEK'S
SHOW.
WE GOT THIS FROM A

SHOW.
WE GOT THIS FROM A
MR. R.J. DROWDEN IN WISCONSIN.

NEVERTHELESS, MR. DROWDEN, WE AT

"WHAT IF?" STAND BY OUR STORY.

WELL, THAT'S ABOUT IT FOR

TONIGHT.

JOIN US NEXT WEEK WHEN WE POSE

THE QUESTION, "WHAT IF GOD AND

SUPERMAN GOT IN A FIGHT?"

GOOD NIGHT.

I WAS IN CALIFORNIA LAST WEEK
WITH GARY WEIS, THE FAMOUS
FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG

WITH GARY WEIS, THE FAMOUS
FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG
FILMS AS, UM...

FILMMAKER WHO'S MADE SUCH BIG
FILMS AS, UM...
[CLEARS THROAT]

FILMS AS, UM...
[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR

[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

WELL, HE DID A LOT OF THINGS FOR
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND

"SATURDAY NIGHT."
WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND
WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM

WE WERE TOGETHER FOR AWHILE, AND
WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM
TOGETHER.

WE PUT THIS LITTLE FILM
TOGETHER.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.

TOGETHER.
HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY

HOPE YOU ENJOY IT.
HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY
GARY WEIS.

HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY
GARY WEIS.
[APPLAUSE]

GARY WEIS.
[APPLAUSE]
I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS.

[APPLAUSE]
I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS.
I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT.

I LOVE SHOW BUSINESS.
I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT.
THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT

I LOVE THE PEOPLE IN IT.
THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS

THAT'S WHY I THOUGHT WE MIGHT
DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS
TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE

DRIVE AROUND BEVERLY HILLS
TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE
YOU BY SOME OF THESE

TODAY, BEL AIR, AND I'LL TAKE
YOU BY SOME OF THESE
CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO

YOU BY SOME OF THESE
CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO
TO THEM.

CELEBRITIES' HOMES AND SAY HELLO
TO THEM.
THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE.

TO THEM.
THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE.
HELLO?

THEY'RE GOOD FRIENDS OF MINE.
HELLO?
HELLO.

HELLO?
HELLO.
HI.

HELLO.
HI.
CAN I HELP YOU?

HI.
CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...

CAN I HELP YOU?
YEAH...
HI, HI, HI.

YEAH...
HI, HI, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HI, HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE

HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE
I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.

FINE, AND I'M EMBARRASSED 'CAUSE
I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.

I CAN'T REMEMBER YOUR NAME.
THAT'S TERRIBLE.
UH, GEORGE CARLIN.

THAT'S TERRIBLE.
UH, GEORGE CARLIN.
YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES?

UH, GEORGE CARLIN.
YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES?
YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?

YOU HAVE MAPS TO STARS' HOMES?
YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?
YES.

YES. DID YOU WANT TO SEE ONE?
YES.
SURE!

YES.
SURE!
YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG

SURE!
YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG
PEOPLE ON HERE?

YOU GOT MOST OF THE BIG
PEOPLE ON HERE?
UH-HUH, YEAH.

PEOPLE ON HERE?
UH-HUH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE

UH-HUH, YEAH.
YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE
YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT

YOU WANT ME TO SHOW YOU WHERE
YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT
AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW

YOU'RE AT AND HOW TO FOLLOW IT
AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW
STARS?

AND TELL YOU ABOUT OUR NEW
STARS?
OKAY. NEW STARS?

STARS?
OKAY. NEW STARS?
UH-HUH.

OKAY. NEW STARS?
UH-HUH.
FOR AN EXAMPLE...

UH-HUH.
FOR AN EXAMPLE...
IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE?

FOR AN EXAMPLE...
IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE?
NO.

IS JOHN BELUSHI ON HERE?
NO.
WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN

NO.
WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN
FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A

WE'RE RIGHT HERE, RIGHT IN
FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A
CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.

FRONT OF JERRY LEWIS' HOUSE... A
CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF

CLOSE, PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF
COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY

JERRY IS THE CLOWN PRINCE OF
COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY
HELLO TO HIM.

COMEDY, AND I'D LOVE TO SAY
HELLO TO HIM.
JERRY!

HELLO TO HIM.
JERRY!
HEY!

JERRY!
HEY!
HEY, JERRY!

HEY!
HEY, JERRY!
HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY, JERRY!
HOW'S IT GOING?
HE'S A GOOD GUY.

HOW'S IT GOING?
HE'S A GOOD GUY.
THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S

HE'S A GOOD GUY.
THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S
HOUSE.

THAT'S RIGHT... DEBBY BOONE'S
HOUSE.
SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS.

HOUSE.
SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS.
BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE,

SHE JUST RECENTLY BOUGHT THIS.
BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE,
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D

BELIEVE ME, SHE'S A GOOD, CLOSE,
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D
LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER.

PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE, AND I'D
LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER.
DEBBIE!

LIKE TO SAY HELLO TO HER.
DEBBIE!
HEY, DEBBIE!

DEBBIE!
HEY, DEBBIE!
WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF

HEY, DEBBIE!
WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF
SONNY BONO'S HOUSE.

WE'RE RIGHT HERE IN FRONT OF
SONNY BONO'S HOUSE.
SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT

SONNY BONO'S HOUSE.
SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT
OFF-CAMERA.

SONNY, YOU REALLY LOOK DIFFERENT
OFF-CAMERA.
IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE?

OFF-CAMERA.
IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE?
YES.

IS THIS SONNY'S HOUSE?
YES.
IS HE HOME?

YES.
IS HE HOME?
NO.

IS HE HOME?
NO.
OH, HE'S NOT HOME?

NO.
OH, HE'S NOT HOME?
'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL

OH, HE'S NOT HOME?
'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL
FRIEND OF HIS.

'CAUSE I'M A CLOSE, PERSONAL
FRIEND OF HIS.
I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF

FRIEND OF HIS.
I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF
MR. KROC'S HOUSE.

I'M STANDING IN FRONT OF
MR. KROC'S HOUSE.
HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF

MR. KROC'S HOUSE.
HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF
MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO

HE'S A WONDERFUL MAN, OWNER OF
MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO
PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY

MCDONALD'S AND THE SAN DIEGO
PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY
WELL.

PADRES, AND I KNOW HIM PRETTY
WELL.
HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN.

WELL.
HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN.
HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED.

HE'S A VERY, VERY DAPPER MAN.
HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED.
HE COLLECTS ART.

HE'S VERY DIGNIFIED.
HE COLLECTS ART.
HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A

HE COLLECTS ART.
HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.

HE'S A REAL CONNOISSEUR AND A
GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
HEY, KROC!

GOOD FRIEND OF MINE.
HEY, KROC!
HEY, KROC!

HEY, KROC!
HEY, KROC!
HEY!

HEY, KROC!
HEY!
COME ON OUT!

HEY!
COME ON OUT!
THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S

COME ON OUT!
THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S
HOUSE.

THIS IS MY FRIEND CARL REINER'S
HOUSE.
HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN

HOUSE.
HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN
SHOW BUSINESS.

HE AND I GO BACK A LONG WAY IN
SHOW BUSINESS.
CARL!

SHOW BUSINESS.
CARL!
HEY, CARL!

CARL!
HEY, CARL!
CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE!

HEY, CARL!
CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE!
COME ON! HEY!

CARL, IT'S ME, STEVE!
COME ON! HEY!
I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS.

COME ON! HEY!
I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS.
CARL!

I'M GETTING SICK OF THIS.
CARL!
COME ON! IT'S STEVE!

CARL!
COME ON! IT'S STEVE!
COME ON! HEY!

COME ON! IT'S STEVE!
COME ON! HEY!
[RAPPING ON DOOR]

COME ON! HEY!
[RAPPING ON DOOR]
CARL!

[RAPPING ON DOOR]
CARL!
[DOG BARKS]

CARL!
[DOG BARKS]
THAT'S RIGHT.

[DOG BARKS]
THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT

THAT'S RIGHT.
I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT
OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE.

I'M STANDING RIGHT HERE IN FRONT
OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE.
RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG.

OF RIN TIN TIN'S HOUSE.
RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG.
HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT

RIN TIN TIN IS A GREAT DOG.
HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT
CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY

HE'S ONE OF THE FEW STARS THAT
CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY
HELLO TO ME.

CAME OUT HERE TO ACTUALLY SAY
HELLO TO ME.
HI, RIN.

HELLO TO ME.
HI, RIN.
[DOG BARKS]

HI, RIN.
[DOG BARKS]
GOOD TALKING WITH YOU.

[DOG BARKS]
GOOD TALKING WITH YOU.
HOW'S IT GOING?

GOOD TALKING WITH YOU.
HOW'S IT GOING?
[DOG BARKS]

HOW'S IT GOING?
[DOG BARKS]
UH-HUH.

[DOG BARKS]
UH-HUH.
HOW'S THE FAMILY?

UH-HUH.
HOW'S THE FAMILY?
TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY.

HOW'S THE FAMILY?
TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY.
HE LOVES IT.

TALK TO HIM ABOUT HIS FAMILY.
HE LOVES IT.
SEE YOU LATER.

HE LOVES IT.
SEE YOU LATER.
THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO.

SEE YOU LATER.
THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO.
[DOG BARKS]

THANKS FOR SAYING HELLO.
[DOG BARKS]
OKAY. BYE.

HERE'S A SONG WRITTEN BY THE
DIRT BAND WHEN THEY WERE IN
RUSSIA.

DIRT BAND WHEN THEY WERE IN
RUSSIA.
IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA."

RUSSIA.
IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA."
[BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO

IT'S CALLED "WHITE RUSSIA."
[BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO
"WHITE RUSSIA"]

[BANJO PLAYS INTRO TO
"WHITE RUSSIA"]
[BAND JOINS]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[SAXOPHONE SOLO]

[HARMONICA SOLO]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

[CLARINET SOLO]

[BANJO SOLO]
[RECORDER SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S OUR COMEDY GAGS!

GOOD NIGHT!

RANDY NEWMAN, THE DIRT BAND, THE

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT "SATURDAY

NIGHT," OUR HOST WILL BE

ROBERT KLEIN, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

BONNIE RAITT.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING, "IF

IT'S SNOWING WHERE YOU ARE,

BUTTON UP YOUR OVERCOAT, 'CAUSE

YOU BELONG TO ME."

GOODBYE.