Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 8 - Miskel Spillman/Elvis Costello - full transcript

Announcer: "HOW THE GRINCH

RAPED AND STRANGLED CHRISTMAS"

WILL NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT

NBC MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING

SPECIAL PROGRAM.

WELL, I THINK IT'S PRETTY
EXCITING HAVING AN 80-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER HOST THE SHOW.

EXCITING HAVING AN 80-YEAR-OLD
GRANDMOTHER HOST THE SHOW.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SHE FORGETS

GRANDMOTHER HOST THE SHOW.
YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SHE FORGETS
HER LINES?

YEAH, BUT WHAT IF SHE FORGETS
HER LINES?
OH, DON'T WORRY. SHE WON'T.

HER LINES?
OH, DON'T WORRY. SHE WON'T.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

OH, DON'T WORRY. SHE WON'T.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU SHOULD BE AS TOGETHER WHEN



LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
YOU SHOULD BE AS TOGETHER WHEN
YOU'RE 80 AS MRS. SPILLMAN IS.

YOU SHOULD BE AS TOGETHER WHEN
YOU'RE 80 AS MRS. SPILLMAN IS.
DON'T WORRY.

YOU'RE 80 AS MRS. SPILLMAN IS.
DON'T WORRY.
I PLAN TO BE BE DEAD BY 30.

DON'T WORRY.
I PLAN TO BE BE DEAD BY 30.
HI, BUCK.

I PLAN TO BE BE DEAD BY 30.
HI, BUCK.
HEY, BUCKAROO!

HI, BUCK.
HEY, BUCKAROO!
HOW'S IT GOING?

HEY, BUCKAROO!
HOW'S IT GOING?
OKAY, LISTEN.

HOW'S IT GOING?
OKAY, LISTEN.
HAVE EITHER OF YOU SEEN

OKAY, LISTEN.
HAVE EITHER OF YOU SEEN
MRS. SPILLMAN RECENTLY?

HAVE EITHER OF YOU SEEN
MRS. SPILLMAN RECENTLY?
YEAH, I LEFT HER DRESSING

MRS. SPILLMAN RECENTLY?
YEAH, I LEFT HER DRESSING
ROOM ABOUT 20 MINUTES AGO.

YEAH, I LEFT HER DRESSING
ROOM ABOUT 20 MINUTES AGO.
WELL, I CHECKED IN ON HER,

ROOM ABOUT 20 MINUTES AGO.
WELL, I CHECKED IN ON HER,
AND SHE'S LYING ON HER BACK,

WELL, I CHECKED IN ON HER,
AND SHE'S LYING ON HER BACK,
LOOKING AT A BOWL OF FRUIT WITH



AND SHE'S LYING ON HER BACK,
LOOKING AT A BOWL OF FRUIT WITH
HER RADIO TURNED ON FULL-BLAST.

LOOKING AT A BOWL OF FRUIT WITH
HER RADIO TURNED ON FULL-BLAST.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S

HER RADIO TURNED ON FULL-BLAST.
WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S
80 YEARS OLD.

WELL, YOU KNOW, SHE'S
80 YEARS OLD.
MAYBE SHE'S HARD OF HEARING.

80 YEARS OLD.
MAYBE SHE'S HARD OF HEARING.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.

MAYBE SHE'S HARD OF HEARING.
NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
SHE'S ACTING VERY STRANGE.

NO, NO, THAT'S NOT IT.
SHE'S ACTING VERY STRANGE.
WELL, SHE WAS A LITTLE

SHE'S ACTING VERY STRANGE.
WELL, SHE WAS A LITTLE
NERVOUS WHEN I SAW HER, SO I

WELL, SHE WAS A LITTLE
NERVOUS WHEN I SAW HER, SO I
JUST TOLD HER A FEW THINGS TO

NERVOUS WHEN I SAW HER, SO I
JUST TOLD HER A FEW THINGS TO
LOOSEN HER UP.

JUST TOLD HER A FEW THINGS TO
LOOSEN HER UP.
YOU KNOW, THAT BEING NERVOUS IS

LOOSEN HER UP.
YOU KNOW, THAT BEING NERVOUS IS
NATURAL AND HOW WE'RE ALL A

YOU KNOW, THAT BEING NERVOUS IS
NATURAL AND HOW WE'RE ALL A
LITTLE NERVOUS, TOO.

NATURAL AND HOW WE'RE ALL A
LITTLE NERVOUS, TOO.
I FOUND OUT SHE KNOWS SOME

LITTLE NERVOUS, TOO.
I FOUND OUT SHE KNOWS SOME
PEOPLE I MET IN NEW ORLEANS

I FOUND OUT SHE KNOWS SOME
PEOPLE I MET IN NEW ORLEANS
DURING MARDI GRAS.

PEOPLE I MET IN NEW ORLEANS
DURING MARDI GRAS.
THEN WE SMOKED A JOINT, AND

DURING MARDI GRAS.
THEN WE SMOKED A JOINT, AND
SHE CALMED DOWN.

THEN WE SMOKED A JOINT, AND
SHE CALMED DOWN.
YOU SMOKED A JOINT WITH

SHE CALMED DOWN.
YOU SMOKED A JOINT WITH
MRS. SPILLMAN?!

YOU SMOKED A JOINT WITH
MRS. SPILLMAN?!
ONE OF YOUR JOINTS?!

MRS. SPILLMAN?!
ONE OF YOUR JOINTS?!
ARE YOU KIDDING?!

ONE OF YOUR JOINTS?!
ARE YOU KIDDING?!
YEAH, HEY, IT WORKS FOR ME.

ARE YOU KIDDING?!
YEAH, HEY, IT WORKS FOR ME.
I FIGURED SHE NEEDED IT.

YEAH, HEY, IT WORKS FOR ME.
I FIGURED SHE NEEDED IT.
COME ON.

I FIGURED SHE NEEDED IT.
COME ON.
DOES SHE KNOW WHAT IT IS?

COME ON.
DOES SHE KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I TOLD HER IT WAS A FRENCH

DOES SHE KNOW WHAT IT IS?
I TOLD HER IT WAS A FRENCH
CIGARETTE.

I TOLD HER IT WAS A FRENCH
CIGARETTE.
JOHN!

CIGARETTE.
JOHN!
HOW COULD YOU?!

JOHN!
HOW COULD YOU?!
JOHN, YOUR JOINTS OVERWHELM

HOW COULD YOU?!
JOHN, YOUR JOINTS OVERWHELM
EVEN AN EXPERIENCED DRUG USER

JOHN, YOUR JOINTS OVERWHELM
EVEN AN EXPERIENCED DRUG USER
LIKE MYSELF.

EVEN AN EXPERIENCED DRUG USER
LIKE MYSELF.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER, THE

LIKE MYSELF.
WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER, THE
ONES WITH THE RHINO

WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER, THE
ONES WITH THE RHINO
TRANQUILIZER?

ONES WITH THE RHINO
TRANQUILIZER?
NO!

TRANQUILIZER?
NO!
ARE YOU KIDDING?

NO!
ARE YOU KIDDING?
TO AN 80-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
TO AN 80-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER?
WE SMOKED A JOINT OF OAXACAN

TO AN 80-YEAR-OLD GRANDMOTHER?
WE SMOKED A JOINT OF OAXACAN
AND MAUI WOWIE, A LITTLE HASH

WE SMOKED A JOINT OF OAXACAN
AND MAUI WOWIE, A LITTLE HASH
OIL.

AND MAUI WOWIE, A LITTLE HASH
OIL.
IT CALMED HER RIGHT DOWN.

OIL.
IT CALMED HER RIGHT DOWN.
WELL, SHE'S IN HAWAII RIGHT

IT CALMED HER RIGHT DOWN.
WELL, SHE'S IN HAWAII RIGHT
NOW WITH HER OLD FRIEND

WELL, SHE'S IN HAWAII RIGHT
NOW WITH HER OLD FRIEND
MR. FRUIT BOWL.

NOW WITH HER OLD FRIEND
MR. FRUIT BOWL.
AND I'VE GOT TO GO OUT THERE IN

MR. FRUIT BOWL.
AND I'VE GOT TO GO OUT THERE IN
A MINUTE AND INTRODUCE THE

AND I'VE GOT TO GO OUT THERE IN
A MINUTE AND INTRODUCE THE
WINNER TO THE "ANYONE CAN HOST"

A MINUTE AND INTRODUCE THE
WINNER TO THE "ANYONE CAN HOST"
CONTEST, AMERICA'S OLDEST

WINNER TO THE "ANYONE CAN HOST"
CONTEST, AMERICA'S OLDEST
LIVING DOPER.

CONTEST, AMERICA'S OLDEST
LIVING DOPER.
LESS THAN A MINUTE, BUCK.

LIVING DOPER.
LESS THAN A MINUTE, BUCK.
'CAUSE WE'RE... LIVE, FROM

LESS THAN A MINUTE, BUCK.
'CAUSE WE'RE... LIVE, FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!

'CAUSE WE'RE... LIVE, FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST...

THE COMEDY TEAM OF...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MISKEL SPILLMAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT FROM
YOU?

DO YOU WANT ME TO TAKE THAT FROM
YOU?
NO. OF COURSE NOT.

YOU?
NO. OF COURSE NOT.
A FEW WEEKS AGO, IF YOU'LL

NO. OF COURSE NOT.
A FEW WEEKS AGO, IF YOU'LL
REMEMBER, THERE WAS A CONTEST

A FEW WEEKS AGO, IF YOU'LL
REMEMBER, THERE WAS A CONTEST
RUNNING CALLED THE "ANYONE CAN

REMEMBER, THERE WAS A CONTEST
RUNNING CALLED THE "ANYONE CAN
HOST THE 'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW"

RUNNING CALLED THE "ANYONE CAN
HOST THE 'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW"
CONTEST.

HOST THE 'SATURDAY NIGHT' SHOW"
CONTEST.
THERE WERE MANY THOUSANDS OF

CONTEST.
THERE WERE MANY THOUSANDS OF
ENTRIES... 150,000, ROUGHLY...

THERE WERE MANY THOUSANDS OF
ENTRIES... 150,000, ROUGHLY...
AND THERE WERE FIVE FINALISTS

ENTRIES... 150,000, ROUGHLY...
AND THERE WERE FIVE FINALISTS
PRESENTED THAT I HAD THE

AND THERE WERE FIVE FINALISTS
PRESENTED THAT I HAD THE
PRIVILEGE OF PRESENTING A FEW

PRESENTED THAT I HAD THE
PRIVILEGE OF PRESENTING A FEW
WEEKS AGO.

PRIVILEGE OF PRESENTING A FEW
WEEKS AGO.
AND THE FINAL VOTES WERE

WEEKS AGO.
AND THE FINAL VOTES WERE
TABULATED BY... SERVICES

AND THE FINAL VOTES WERE
TABULATED BY... SERVICES
PROVIDED BY VENTURA ASSOCIATES.

TABULATED BY... SERVICES
PROVIDED BY VENTURA ASSOCIATES.
AND TONIGHT, BY APPROXIMATELY A

PROVIDED BY VENTURA ASSOCIATES.
AND TONIGHT, BY APPROXIMATELY A
MARGIN OF 15,000 VOTES, I AM

AND TONIGHT, BY APPROXIMATELY A
MARGIN OF 15,000 VOTES, I AM
HONORED AND PLEASED TO PRESENT

MARGIN OF 15,000 VOTES, I AM
HONORED AND PLEASED TO PRESENT
THE WINNER OF THE "ANYONE

HONORED AND PLEASED TO PRESENT
THE WINNER OF THE "ANYONE
CAN HOST" CONTEST, YOUR HOSTESS

THE WINNER OF THE "ANYONE
CAN HOST" CONTEST, YOUR HOSTESS
FOR TONIGHT,

CAN HOST" CONTEST, YOUR HOSTESS
FOR TONIGHT,
MRS. MISKEL SPILLMAN!

FOR TONIGHT,
MRS. MISKEL SPILLMAN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOW!
MRS. SPILLMAN, I KNOW THAT
THERE ARE PROBABLY A NUMBER

MRS. SPILLMAN, I KNOW THAT
THERE ARE PROBABLY A NUMBER
OF THINGS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY

THERE ARE PROBABLY A NUMBER
OF THINGS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY
TO THE GREAT AMERICAN AUDIENCE.

OF THINGS THAT YOU WANT TO SAY
TO THE GREAT AMERICAN AUDIENCE.
WOW!

TO THE GREAT AMERICAN AUDIENCE.
WOW!
THIS IS REALLY WEIRD!

WOW!
THIS IS REALLY WEIRD!
THERE'S SO MUCH HAPPENING.

THIS IS REALLY WEIRD!
THERE'S SO MUCH HAPPENING.
BUT IT ALMOST SEEMS LIKE

THERE'S SO MUCH HAPPENING.
BUT IT ALMOST SEEMS LIKE
EVERYTHING'S IN SLOW MOTION.

BUT IT ALMOST SEEMS LIKE
EVERYTHING'S IN SLOW MOTION.
I MEAN, AM I MAKING SENSE?

EVERYTHING'S IN SLOW MOTION.
I MEAN, AM I MAKING SENSE?
OR AM I BLOWING IT?

I MEAN, AM I MAKING SENSE?
OR AM I BLOWING IT?
I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T TELL.

OR AM I BLOWING IT?
I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T TELL.
THE PRODUCER, A NICE YOUNG MAN,

I DON'T KNOW. I CAN'T TELL.
THE PRODUCER, A NICE YOUNG MAN,
TOLD ME TO JUST FLOW WITH IT AND

THE PRODUCER, A NICE YOUNG MAN,
TOLD ME TO JUST FLOW WITH IT AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME.

TOLD ME TO JUST FLOW WITH IT AND
HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HE

HAVE A GOOD TIME.
BUT I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HE
MEANT.

BUT I DIDN'T REALLY KNOW WHAT HE
MEANT.
UNTIL BELUSHI VISITED ME IN MY

MEANT.
UNTIL BELUSHI VISITED ME IN MY
DRESSING ROOM.

UNTIL BELUSHI VISITED ME IN MY
DRESSING ROOM.
AND THE COLORS!

DRESSING ROOM.
AND THE COLORS!
WOW!

AND THE COLORS!
WOW!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

Announcer: [Echoing]

THRILLS, ACTION, SPEED,

ADVENTURE.

MEAT WAGON ACTION TRACK SET.

IT'S THE MOST EXCITING ROAD-RACE
GAME EVER.
YOU GET A FAST STRAIGHTAWAY

GAME EVER.
YOU GET A FAST STRAIGHTAWAY
TRACK AND LOTS OF DANGEROUS

YOU GET A FAST STRAIGHTAWAY
TRACK AND LOTS OF DANGEROUS
CURVES FOR REAL DRIVING ACTION.

TRACK AND LOTS OF DANGEROUS
CURVES FOR REAL DRIVING ACTION.
OH, HE CAN'T MAKE THAT CURVE!

CURVES FOR REAL DRIVING ACTION.
OH, HE CAN'T MAKE THAT CURVE!
IT'S A WRECK!

OH, HE CAN'T MAKE THAT CURVE!
IT'S A WRECK!
PRESS THE FRICTION FLAME CONTROL

IT'S A WRECK!
PRESS THE FRICTION FLAME CONTROL
AND WATCH IT BURN.

PRESS THE FRICTION FLAME CONTROL
AND WATCH IT BURN.
THAT'S WHEN YOU BRING IN THE

AND WATCH IT BURN.
THAT'S WHEN YOU BRING IN THE
MEAT WAGON.

THAT'S WHEN YOU BRING IN THE
MEAT WAGON.
MEAT WAGON'S POWER BOOSTER GIVES

MEAT WAGON.
MEAT WAGON'S POWER BOOSTER GIVES
YOU WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THERE

MEAT WAGON'S POWER BOOSTER GIVES
YOU WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THERE
FIRST.

YOU WHAT IT TAKES TO GET THERE
FIRST.
PUT THE MEAT WAGON'S ACTUAL

FIRST.
PUT THE MEAT WAGON'S ACTUAL
SCALE RESCUE TEAM AND EQUIPMENT

PUT THE MEAT WAGON'S ACTUAL
SCALE RESCUE TEAM AND EQUIPMENT
TO WORK.

SCALE RESCUE TEAM AND EQUIPMENT
TO WORK.
WILL THE DRIVER MAKE IT?

TO WORK.
WILL THE DRIVER MAKE IT?
GET OUT YOUR BODY BAGS, ACCIDENT

WILL THE DRIVER MAKE IT?
GET OUT YOUR BODY BAGS, ACCIDENT
PRY BAR, AND OXYGEN DISPENSER.

GET OUT YOUR BODY BAGS, ACCIDENT
PRY BAR, AND OXYGEN DISPENSER.
USE THE PRY BAR TO PULL THE

PRY BAR, AND OXYGEN DISPENSER.
USE THE PRY BAR TO PULL THE
VICTIM OUT.

USE THE PRY BAR TO PULL THE
VICTIM OUT.
GET HIM ONTO THE STRETCHER, IF

VICTIM OUT.
GET HIM ONTO THE STRETCHER, IF
HE'S STILL IN ONE PIECE.

GET HIM ONTO THE STRETCHER, IF
HE'S STILL IN ONE PIECE.
YOU'VE CLEANED UP THE SCENE, AND

HE'S STILL IN ONE PIECE.
YOU'VE CLEANED UP THE SCENE, AND
YOU'RE READY TO MOVE OUT.

YOU'VE CLEANED UP THE SCENE, AND
YOU'RE READY TO MOVE OUT.
YOUR MEAT WAGON'S READY FOR THE

YOU'RE READY TO MOVE OUT.
YOUR MEAT WAGON'S READY FOR THE
NEXT WRECK.

MEAT WAGON ACTION TRACK SET.

FIGURES, ACCESSORIES, BATTERIES,

POWER BOOSTER, FRICTION FLAME

CONTROL, FIRE EXTINGUISHER,

CARS, AND TRACK NOT INCLUDED.

ALL ITEMS SOLD SEPARATELY.

FROM MAINWAY.

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING IS A
DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT BY THE
AMERICAN DATE THE SELF-CONSCIOUS

DRAMATIC RE-ENACTMENT BY THE
AMERICAN DATE THE SELF-CONSCIOUS
ASSOCIATION.

DID YOU... DID YOU SAY
SOMETHING?
I-I'M SORRY. WHAT?

SOMETHING?
I-I'M SORRY. WHAT?
NO, NO.

I-I'M SORRY. WHAT?
NO, NO.
ACUTE SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS CAN

NO, NO.
ACUTE SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS CAN
BE TRAGIC.

ACUTE SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS CAN
BE TRAGIC.
OF COURSE, EVERYBODY IS

BE TRAGIC.
OF COURSE, EVERYBODY IS
SELF-CONSCIOUS, BUT NOT

OF COURSE, EVERYBODY IS
SELF-CONSCIOUS, BUT NOT
EVERYBODY IS AWARE OF IT.

SELF-CONSCIOUS, BUT NOT
EVERYBODY IS AWARE OF IT.
THESE PEOPLE ARE... PAINFULLY

EVERYBODY IS AWARE OF IT.
THESE PEOPLE ARE... PAINFULLY
SO.

THESE PEOPLE ARE... PAINFULLY
SO.
SO LET'S WATCH MORE CLOSELY AS

SO.
SO LET'S WATCH MORE CLOSELY AS
THEY ATTEMPT TO MAKE A DATE FOR

SO LET'S WATCH MORE CLOSELY AS
THEY ATTEMPT TO MAKE A DATE FOR
NEW YEAR'S EVE.

THEY ATTEMPT TO MAKE A DATE FOR
NEW YEAR'S EVE.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?

NEW YEAR'S EVE.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, HOW ARE YOU?

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, HOW ARE YOU?
FINE. HOW ARE YOU?

FINE, HOW ARE YOU?
FINE. HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, HOW ARE YOU?

FINE. HOW ARE YOU?
FINE, HOW ARE YOU?
Both: NICE DAY...

FINE, HOW ARE YOU?
Both: NICE DAY...
[CHUCKLES] NO, NO, GO

Both: NICE DAY...
[CHUCKLES] NO, NO, GO
AHEAD!

[CHUCKLES] NO, NO, GO
AHEAD!
NO, NO, NO...

AHEAD!
NO, NO, NO...
I WAS GONNA SAY, "GO AHEAD!"

NO, NO, NO...
I WAS GONNA SAY, "GO AHEAD!"
NO, YOU GO AHEAD.

I WAS GONNA SAY, "GO AHEAD!"
NO, YOU GO AHEAD.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

NO, YOU GO AHEAD.
NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I CAN WAIT.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I CAN WAIT.
UM...

I CAN WAIT.
UM...
LOOK, UH, UH, JUST IGNORE ME.

UM...
LOOK, UH, UH, JUST IGNORE ME.
UH, IT'S JUST THAT, A-A-AS I

LOOK, UH, UH, JUST IGNORE ME.
UH, IT'S JUST THAT, A-A-AS I
LISTEN TO MYSELF, I JUST HEAR

UH, IT'S JUST THAT, A-A-AS I
LISTEN TO MYSELF, I JUST HEAR
MYSELF SAYING, AS I LISTEN TO

LISTEN TO MYSELF, I JUST HEAR
MYSELF SAYING, AS I LISTEN TO
MYSELF, AND I'M THINKING TO

MYSELF SAYING, AS I LISTEN TO
MYSELF, AND I'M THINKING TO
MYSELF AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF...

MYSELF, AND I'M THINKING TO
MYSELF AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF...
OH!

MYSELF AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF...
OH!
WELL, THAT'S THE THIRD TIME I'VE

OH!
WELL, THAT'S THE THIRD TIME I'VE
SAID, "AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF."

WELL, THAT'S THE THIRD TIME I'VE
SAID, "AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF."
THAT'S FOUR!

SAID, "AS I LISTEN TO MYSELF."
THAT'S FOUR!
I SAID IT FOUR TIMES!

THAT'S FOUR!
I SAID IT FOUR TIMES!
[CHUCKLES] UH, T-THAT'S

I SAID IT FOUR TIMES!
[CHUCKLES] UH, T-THAT'S
OKAY.

[CHUCKLES] UH, T-THAT'S
OKAY.
I WASN'T LISTENING.

OKAY.
I WASN'T LISTENING.
NO, NO, I MEAN I WASN'T

I WASN'T LISTENING.
NO, NO, I MEAN I WASN'T
LISTENING TO THE PART YOU DIDN'T

NO, NO, I MEAN I WASN'T
LISTENING TO THE PART YOU DIDN'T
WANT ME TO HEAR!

LISTENING TO THE PART YOU DIDN'T
WANT ME TO HEAR!
[LAUGHS]

WANT ME TO HEAR!
[LAUGHS]
UH, YOU, UH...

[LAUGHS]
UH, YOU, UH...
YOU WOULDN'T W-WANT TO GO OUT

UH, YOU, UH...
YOU WOULDN'T W-WANT TO GO OUT
WITH ME ON NEW YEAR'S, WOULD

YOU WOULDN'T W-WANT TO GO OUT
WITH ME ON NEW YEAR'S, WOULD
YOU?

WITH ME ON NEW YEAR'S, WOULD
YOU?
NO! OF COURSE NOT!

YOU?
NO! OF COURSE NOT!
NO, I REALLY WOULDN'T BE

NO! OF COURSE NOT!
NO, I REALLY WOULDN'T BE
ANY... ANY FUN.

NO, I REALLY WOULDN'T BE
ANY... ANY FUN.
YOU'D HATE IT!

ANY... ANY FUN.
YOU'D HATE IT!
YES, PROBABLY.

YOU'D HATE IT!
YES, PROBABLY.
PRETTY PATHETIC.

YES, PROBABLY.
PRETTY PATHETIC.
THESE PEOPLE ARE MUCH TOO

PRETTY PATHETIC.
THESE PEOPLE ARE MUCH TOO
SELF-CONSCIOUS EVER TO GET

THESE PEOPLE ARE MUCH TOO
SELF-CONSCIOUS EVER TO GET
TOGETHER, WHICH IS A PITY,

SELF-CONSCIOUS EVER TO GET
TOGETHER, WHICH IS A PITY,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN

TOGETHER, WHICH IS A PITY,
BECAUSE THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN
COMMON... THEY'RE BOTH TWITCHING

BECAUSE THEY HAVE SO MUCH IN
COMMON... THEY'RE BOTH TWITCHING
WRECKS.

COMMON... THEY'RE BOTH TWITCHING
WRECKS.
I UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN BECAUSE

WRECKS.
I UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN BECAUSE
I, TOO, USED TO BE

I UNDERSTAND THEIR PAIN BECAUSE
I, TOO, USED TO BE
SELF-CONSCIOUS.

I, TOO, USED TO BE
SELF-CONSCIOUS.
I'VE JUST ABOUT LICKED IT,

SELF-CONSCIOUS.
I'VE JUST ABOUT LICKED IT,
EXCEPT FOR OCCASIONALLY WHEN

I'VE JUST ABOUT LICKED IT,
EXCEPT FOR OCCASIONALLY WHEN
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE, UH,

EXCEPT FOR OCCASIONALLY WHEN
THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE, UH,
WATCHING ME.

THERE ARE A LOT OF PEOPLE, UH,
WATCHING ME.
A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING

WATCHING ME.
A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING
ME.

A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE WATCHING
ME.
THEY'RE WATCHING ME NOW, AREN'T

ME.
THEY'RE WATCHING ME NOW, AREN'T
THEY?

THEY'RE WATCHING ME NOW, AREN'T
THEY?
IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING OUT

THEY?
IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING OUT
OF MY NOSE?

IS THERE SOMETHING HANGING OUT
OF MY NOSE?
IT'S OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT.

OF MY NOSE?
IT'S OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO HOPE FOR A HAPPY

IT'S OKAY. I'M ALL RIGHT.
THERE'S NO HOPE FOR A HAPPY
NEW YEAR'S FOR THE ACUTELY

THERE'S NO HOPE FOR A HAPPY
NEW YEAR'S FOR THE ACUTELY
SELF-CONSCIOUS.

NEW YEAR'S FOR THE ACUTELY
SELF-CONSCIOUS.
NOT UNLESS THEY'RE FORTUNATE

SELF-CONSCIOUS.
NOT UNLESS THEY'RE FORTUNATE
ENOUGH TO MEET SOMEONE SO

NOT UNLESS THEY'RE FORTUNATE
ENOUGH TO MEET SOMEONE SO
EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS THAT HE OR

ENOUGH TO MEET SOMEONE SO
EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS THAT HE OR
SHE DOESN'T NOTICE THEIR ACUTE

EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS THAT HE OR
SHE DOESN'T NOTICE THEIR ACUTE
SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.

SHE DOESN'T NOTICE THEIR ACUTE
SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.
ON MY LEFT HERE IS

SELF-CONSCIOUSNESS.
ON MY LEFT HERE IS
CHARLIE GLATT,

ON MY LEFT HERE IS
CHARLIE GLATT,
SECRETARY/TREASURER OF THE

CHARLIE GLATT,
SECRETARY/TREASURER OF THE
SOCIETY FOR THE EXTREMELY

SECRETARY/TREASURER OF THE
SOCIETY FOR THE EXTREMELY
OBNOXIOUS.

SOCIETY FOR THE EXTREMELY
OBNOXIOUS.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?

OBNOXIOUS.
HI, HOW ARE YOU?
[BUZZER]

HI, HOW ARE YOU?
[BUZZER]
[LAUGHS]

[BUZZER]
[LAUGHS]
HIYA, HIYA, HIYA!

[LAUGHS]
HIYA, HIYA, HIYA!
GLAD TO BE HERE!

HIYA, HIYA, HIYA!
GLAD TO BE HERE!
GLAD TO BE ANYWHERE!

GLAD TO BE HERE!
GLAD TO BE ANYWHERE!
CHARLIE'S THE NAME, CHARM'S THE

GLAD TO BE ANYWHERE!
CHARLIE'S THE NAME, CHARM'S THE
GAME!

CHARLIE'S THE NAME, CHARM'S THE
GAME!
[LAUGHS]

GAME!
[LAUGHS]
AS AN EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS

[LAUGHS]
AS AN EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS
PERSON, I USED TO STRIKE OUT

AS AN EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS
PERSON, I USED TO STRIKE OUT
WITH CLASSY BROADS NEW YEAR'S

PERSON, I USED TO STRIKE OUT
WITH CLASSY BROADS NEW YEAR'S
AFTER NEW YEAR'S UNTIL ONE LUCKY

WITH CLASSY BROADS NEW YEAR'S
AFTER NEW YEAR'S UNTIL ONE LUCKY
DAY, I MET THIS PATHETIC LAME-O

AFTER NEW YEAR'S UNTIL ONE LUCKY
DAY, I MET THIS PATHETIC LAME-O
WHO WAS SO ACUTELY

DAY, I MET THIS PATHETIC LAME-O
WHO WAS SO ACUTELY
SELF-CONSCIOUS, SHE DIDN'T EVEN

WHO WAS SO ACUTELY
SELF-CONSCIOUS, SHE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE HOW EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS I

SELF-CONSCIOUS, SHE DIDN'T EVEN
NOTICE HOW EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS I
WAS!

NOTICE HOW EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS I
WAS!
[LAUGHS]

WAS!
[LAUGHS]
BLAH!

[LAUGHS]
BLAH!
THE SELF-CONSCIOUS KNOW WHO

BLAH!
THE SELF-CONSCIOUS KNOW WHO
THEY ARE.

THE SELF-CONSCIOUS KNOW WHO
THEY ARE.
BUT EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE

THEY ARE.
BUT EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE
DON'T.

BUT EXTREMELY OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE
DON'T.
AHHH!

DON'T.
AHHH!
OR ELSE THEY'D BE

AHHH!
OR ELSE THEY'D BE
SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.

OR ELSE THEY'D BE
SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.
MAYBE YOU'RE UNSURE WHETHER

SELF-CONSCIOUS ABOUT IT.
MAYBE YOU'RE UNSURE WHETHER
YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS ENOUGH TO DATE

MAYBE YOU'RE UNSURE WHETHER
YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS ENOUGH TO DATE
THE SELF-CONSCIOUS.

YOU'RE OBNOXIOUS ENOUGH TO DATE
THE SELF-CONSCIOUS.
IF SO, WHY NOT DROP BY THE

THE SELF-CONSCIOUS.
IF SO, WHY NOT DROP BY THE
LEAGUE FOR THE BRUTALLY

IF SO, WHY NOT DROP BY THE
LEAGUE FOR THE BRUTALLY
TACTLESS AND FIND OUT FOR

LEAGUE FOR THE BRUTALLY
TACTLESS AND FIND OUT FOR
YOURSELF?

TACTLESS AND FIND OUT FOR
YOURSELF?
THEY'LL TELL YOU!

YOURSELF?
THEY'LL TELL YOU!
AAH!

THEY'LL TELL YOU!
AAH!
WE'RE SORRY WE DON'T HAVE

AAH!
WE'RE SORRY WE DON'T HAVE
ANYBODY FROM THE BRUTALLY

WE'RE SORRY WE DON'T HAVE
ANYBODY FROM THE BRUTALLY
TACTLESS LEAGUE HERE TO SPEAK

ANYBODY FROM THE BRUTALLY
TACTLESS LEAGUE HERE TO SPEAK
FOR THEMSELVES, BUT THEY REFUSED

TACTLESS LEAGUE HERE TO SPEAK
FOR THEMSELVES, BUT THEY REFUSED
TO BE IN THIS PUBLIC SERVICE

FOR THEMSELVES, BUT THEY REFUSED
TO BE IN THIS PUBLIC SERVICE
MESSAGE BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WAS

TO BE IN THIS PUBLIC SERVICE
MESSAGE BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WAS
REALLY STUPID.

MESSAGE BECAUSE THEY SAID IT WAS
REALLY STUPID.
BUT WE ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO

REALLY STUPID.
BUT WE ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO
HAVE WITH US A MEMBER OF THE

BUT WE ARE FORTUNATE ENOUGH TO
HAVE WITH US A MEMBER OF THE
REALLY STUPID PEOPLE'S

HAVE WITH US A MEMBER OF THE
REALLY STUPID PEOPLE'S
AMALGAMATION...

REALLY STUPID PEOPLE'S
AMALGAMATION...
STEVE LARNE.

AMALGAMATION...
STEVE LARNE.
[Loudly] WE DON'T HAVE

STEVE LARNE.
[Loudly] WE DON'T HAVE
MONEY FOR OUR OWN TV AD!

[Loudly] WE DON'T HAVE
MONEY FOR OUR OWN TV AD!
SO GIVE US MONEY AND BE NICE TO

MONEY FOR OUR OWN TV AD!
SO GIVE US MONEY AND BE NICE TO
US AND TAKE US OUT FOR

SO GIVE US MONEY AND BE NICE TO
US AND TAKE US OUT FOR
NEW YEAR'S TODAY!

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN A

MESSAGE FROM...

EVERY HOLIDAY SEASON, IT'S
ALWAYS COMFORTING TO READ
CLASSIC CHRISTMAS STORIES THAT

ALWAYS COMFORTING TO READ
CLASSIC CHRISTMAS STORIES THAT
ARE LOVED THE WORLD OVER,

CLASSIC CHRISTMAS STORIES THAT
ARE LOVED THE WORLD OVER,
STORIES WHERE PEOPLE GIVE OF

ARE LOVED THE WORLD OVER,
STORIES WHERE PEOPLE GIVE OF
THEMSELVES TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE.

STORIES WHERE PEOPLE GIVE OF
THEMSELVES TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE.
ONE OF OUR FAVORITES HERE AT

THEMSELVES TO SOMEONE THEY LOVE.
ONE OF OUR FAVORITES HERE AT
"SATURDAY NIGHT"... AND WE'RE

ONE OF OUR FAVORITES HERE AT
"SATURDAY NIGHT"... AND WE'RE
SURE IT'S ONE OF YOURS... IS

"SATURDAY NIGHT"... AND WE'RE
SURE IT'S ONE OF YOURS... IS
"THE GIFT OF THE MAGI," AND WE'D

SURE IT'S ONE OF YOURS... IS
"THE GIFT OF THE MAGI," AND WE'D
LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU AGAIN.

"THE GIFT OF THE MAGI," AND WE'D
LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU AGAIN.
OH, "THE GIFT OF THE MAGI" IS

LIKE TO SHARE IT WITH YOU AGAIN.
OH, "THE GIFT OF THE MAGI" IS
ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

OH, "THE GIFT OF THE MAGI" IS
ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.

ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
OH, GOOD, GOOD.
ONCE UPON A TIME, NOT SO LONG

OH, GOOD, GOOD.
ONCE UPON A TIME, NOT SO LONG
AGO, THERE WAS A MAN AND A WOMAN

ONCE UPON A TIME, NOT SO LONG
AGO, THERE WAS A MAN AND A WOMAN
WHO LOVED EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.

AGO, THERE WAS A MAN AND A WOMAN
WHO LOVED EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.
HIS NAME WAS ROBERT AND HER NAME

WHO LOVED EACH OTHER VERY MUCH.
HIS NAME WAS ROBERT AND HER NAME
WAS HELEN, AND THIS WAS THEIR

HIS NAME WAS ROBERT AND HER NAME
WAS HELEN, AND THIS WAS THEIR
FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AS MAN

WAS HELEN, AND THIS WAS THEIR
FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AS MAN
AND WIFE.

FIRST CHRISTMAS TOGETHER AS MAN
AND WIFE.
THE YOUNG COUPLE HAD LITTLE

AND WIFE.
THE YOUNG COUPLE HAD LITTLE
MONEY BUT WERE VERY RICH IN

THE YOUNG COUPLE HAD LITTLE
MONEY BUT WERE VERY RICH IN
SPIRIT BECAUSE THEY HAD EACH

MONEY BUT WERE VERY RICH IN
SPIRIT BECAUSE THEY HAD EACH
OTHER.

SPIRIT BECAUSE THEY HAD EACH
OTHER.
AND THOUGH YOUNG HELEN WAS IN

OTHER.
AND THOUGH YOUNG HELEN WAS IN
THE HOSPITAL WITH A FAILING

AND THOUGH YOUNG HELEN WAS IN
THE HOSPITAL WITH A FAILING
KIDNEY, IT STILL DIDN'T DAMPEN

THE HOSPITAL WITH A FAILING
KIDNEY, IT STILL DIDN'T DAMPEN
THE COUPLE'S CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.

KIDNEY, IT STILL DIDN'T DAMPEN
THE COUPLE'S CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
OH, ROBERT!

THE COUPLE'S CHRISTMAS SPIRIT.
OH, ROBERT!
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A DONOR NOW.

OH, ROBERT!
THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A DONOR NOW.
HELEN WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL

THEY'RE LOOKING FOR A DONOR NOW.
HELEN WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
WHOSE LONG, RAVEN HAIR WAS THE

HELEN WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL
WHOSE LONG, RAVEN HAIR WAS THE
ENVY OF ALL WHO KNEW HER AND A

WHOSE LONG, RAVEN HAIR WAS THE
ENVY OF ALL WHO KNEW HER AND A
SOURCE OF PRIDE TO ROBERT.

OH, IT'S TIME TO BRUSH YOUR
HAIR.
AND ROBERT'S MOST PRIZED

HAIR.
AND ROBERT'S MOST PRIZED
POSSESSION WAS AN ANTIQUE GOLD

AND ROBERT'S MOST PRIZED
POSSESSION WAS AN ANTIQUE GOLD
WATCH, A PRICELESS HEIRLOOM

POSSESSION WAS AN ANTIQUE GOLD
WATCH, A PRICELESS HEIRLOOM
WHICH HAD BEEN IN HIS FAMILY FOR

WATCH, A PRICELESS HEIRLOOM
WHICH HAD BEEN IN HIS FAMILY FOR
GENERATIONS.

WHICH HAD BEEN IN HIS FAMILY FOR
GENERATIONS.
OH, I ALWAYS THINK OF THIS

GENERATIONS.
OH, I ALWAYS THINK OF THIS
WATCH AS PART OF YOU, ROBERT...

OH, I ALWAYS THINK OF THIS
WATCH AS PART OF YOU, ROBERT...
SO STEADY AND RELIABLE.

WATCH AS PART OF YOU, ROBERT...
SO STEADY AND RELIABLE.
YES, BUT THE WATCH IS

SO STEADY AND RELIABLE.
YES, BUT THE WATCH IS
WORKING, AND I HAVEN'T GOT A

YES, BUT THE WATCH IS
WORKING, AND I HAVEN'T GOT A
JOB.

WORKING, AND I HAVEN'T GOT A
JOB.
OH, ROBERT. DON'T WORRY.

JOB.
OH, ROBERT. DON'T WORRY.
IT'S CHRISTMASTIME.

OH, ROBERT. DON'T WORRY.
IT'S CHRISTMASTIME.
IT'S A SEASON OF HOPE.

IT'S CHRISTMASTIME.
IT'S A SEASON OF HOPE.
THINGS WILL GET BETTER.

IT'S A SEASON OF HOPE.
THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
AND IT WAS HOPE THAT THEY

THINGS WILL GET BETTER.
AND IT WAS HOPE THAT THEY
LIVED ON, AS THIS CHRISTMAS THEY

AND IT WAS HOPE THAT THEY
LIVED ON, AS THIS CHRISTMAS THEY
WERE TOO POOR TO EXCHANGE GIFTS.

LIVED ON, AS THIS CHRISTMAS THEY
WERE TOO POOR TO EXCHANGE GIFTS.
AND EVEN IF THEY COULD, HELEN'S

WERE TOO POOR TO EXCHANGE GIFTS.
AND EVEN IF THEY COULD, HELEN'S
SICKNESS HUNG OVER THEM LIKE A

AND EVEN IF THEY COULD, HELEN'S
SICKNESS HUNG OVER THEM LIKE A
DARK CLOUD.

SICKNESS HUNG OVER THEM LIKE A
DARK CLOUD.
WHAT A SHAME.

DARK CLOUD.
WHAT A SHAME.
I KNOW.

WHAT A SHAME.
I KNOW.
THE TEST CAME BACK.

I KNOW.
THE TEST CAME BACK.
YOU'RE A PERFECT DONOR.

THE TEST CAME BACK.
YOU'RE A PERFECT DONOR.
WE CAN PERFORM THE TRANSPLANT

YOU'RE A PERFECT DONOR.
WE CAN PERFORM THE TRANSPLANT
IMMEDIATELY.

WE CAN PERFORM THE TRANSPLANT
IMMEDIATELY.
YOUR WIFE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.

IMMEDIATELY.
YOUR WIFE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I'M THE

YOUR WIFE WILL BE VERY HAPPY.
PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I'M THE
DONOR, DOCTOR.

PLEASE DON'T TELL HER I'M THE
DONOR, DOCTOR.
I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.

DONOR, DOCTOR.
I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.
OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU

I WANT IT TO BE A SURPRISE.
OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU
WANT IT.

OKAY, IF THAT'S THE WAY YOU
WANT IT.
UH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HATE TO

WANT IT.
UH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HATE TO
BRING THIS UP NOW, BUT, UH, THIS

UH, BY THE WAY, I REALLY HATE TO
BRING THIS UP NOW, BUT, UH, THIS
IS A VERY EXPENSIVE OPERATION.

BRING THIS UP NOW, BUT, UH, THIS
IS A VERY EXPENSIVE OPERATION.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.

IS A VERY EXPENSIVE OPERATION.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.
I KNOW WHERE I CAN GET MY HANDS

THAT'S ALL RIGHT, DOCTOR.
I KNOW WHERE I CAN GET MY HANDS
ON SOME MONEY.

I KNOW WHERE I CAN GET MY HANDS
ON SOME MONEY.
AND WHILE ROBERT WAS SOLVING

ON SOME MONEY.
AND WHILE ROBERT WAS SOLVING
ONE PROBLEM, HELEN WAS DEALING

AND WHILE ROBERT WAS SOLVING
ONE PROBLEM, HELEN WAS DEALING
WITH A SIMILAR ONE.

ONE PROBLEM, HELEN WAS DEALING
WITH A SIMILAR ONE.
OH, NURSE!

WITH A SIMILAR ONE.
OH, NURSE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

OH, NURSE!
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
FOR ROBERT AND ME, THIS MAY BE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
FOR ROBERT AND ME, THIS MAY BE
OUR FIRST AND OUR LAST CHRISTMAS

FOR ROBERT AND ME, THIS MAY BE
OUR FIRST AND OUR LAST CHRISTMAS
TOGETHER.

OUR FIRST AND OUR LAST CHRISTMAS
TOGETHER.
I JUST KNEW WHERE I COULD GET

TOGETHER.
I JUST KNEW WHERE I COULD GET
THE MONEY TO BUY ROBERT A GIFT.

I JUST KNEW WHERE I COULD GET
THE MONEY TO BUY ROBERT A GIFT.
WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING

THE MONEY TO BUY ROBERT A GIFT.
WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
THAT YOU CAN SELL?

WELL, DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING
THAT YOU CAN SELL?
NO.

THAT YOU CAN SELL?
NO.
OH!

NO.
OH!
WAIT!

OH!
WAIT!
NO, I... MAYBE...

WAIT!
NO, I... MAYBE...
YES! I-I'LL DO IT!

NO, I... MAYBE...
YES! I-I'LL DO IT!
SO HELEN AND ROBERT, BECAUSE

YES! I-I'LL DO IT!
SO HELEN AND ROBERT, BECAUSE
OF THEIR BOUNDLESS LOVE FOR EACH

SO HELEN AND ROBERT, BECAUSE
OF THEIR BOUNDLESS LOVE FOR EACH
OTHER, GAVE OF THEMSELVES AND

OF THEIR BOUNDLESS LOVE FOR EACH
OTHER, GAVE OF THEMSELVES AND
WERE ABLE TO EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS

OTHER, GAVE OF THEMSELVES AND
WERE ABLE TO EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS
GIFTS THAT MORNING.

WERE ABLE TO EXCHANGE CHRISTMAS
GIFTS THAT MORNING.
I FEEL LIKE CRYING.

GIFTS THAT MORNING.
I FEEL LIKE CRYING.
SO DO I.

I FEEL LIKE CRYING.
SO DO I.
YOUR WIFE SHOULD BE AWAKENING

SO DO I.
YOUR WIFE SHOULD BE AWAKENING
ANY TIME NOW.

YOUR WIFE SHOULD BE AWAKENING
ANY TIME NOW.
[GASPS]

ANY TIME NOW.
[GASPS]
THERE.

[GASPS]
THERE.
I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.

THERE.
I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

I'LL LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HELEN.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, HELEN.
IT'S ALL OVER, HONEY.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, HELEN.
IT'S ALL OVER, HONEY.
YOU GOT YOUR NEW KIDNEY.

IT'S ALL OVER, HONEY.
YOU GOT YOUR NEW KIDNEY.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL!

YOU GOT YOUR NEW KIDNEY.
OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
OH, I JUST WISH I KNEW WHO

OH, HOW WONDERFUL!
OH, I JUST WISH I KNEW WHO
THE DONOR WAS SO I COULD THANK

OH, I JUST WISH I KNEW WHO
THE DONOR WAS SO I COULD THANK
HIM.

THE DONOR WAS SO I COULD THANK
HIM.
ROBERT, WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR

HIM.
ROBERT, WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR
ROBE?

ROBERT, WHY ARE YOU WEARING YOUR
ROBE?
DON'T WORRY, BABY.

ROBE?
DON'T WORRY, BABY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY, BABY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL BOTH BE FINE.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
WE'LL BOTH BE FINE.
OH, NO! OH, YOU MEAN...

WE'LL BOTH BE FINE.
OH, NO! OH, YOU MEAN...
OH, NO!

OH, NO! OH, YOU MEAN...
OH, NO!
OH, ROBERT, YOU WERE THE DONOR!

OH, NO!
OH, ROBERT, YOU WERE THE DONOR!
OH, ROBERT!

OH, ROBERT, YOU WERE THE DONOR!
OH, ROBERT!
WELL, I FIGURED I HAD TWO, SO

OH, ROBERT!
WELL, I FIGURED I HAD TWO, SO
WHY NOT?

WELL, I FIGURED I HAD TWO, SO
WHY NOT?
WHAT... WHAT DID YOU GET ME?

MERRY CHRISTMAS, ROBERT.
I LOVE YOU.
[GASPS]

I LOVE YOU.
[GASPS]
OH!

[GASPS]
OH!
IT'S A CHAIN FOR YOUR WATCH!

OH!
IT'S A CHAIN FOR YOUR WATCH!
OH, QUICK!

IT'S A CHAIN FOR YOUR WATCH!
OH, QUICK!
GET OUT YOUR WATCH, DARLING, AND

OH, QUICK!
GET OUT YOUR WATCH, DARLING, AND
LET ME SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON

GET OUT YOUR WATCH, DARLING, AND
LET ME SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON
IT.

LET ME SEE WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE ON
IT.
I CAN'T, SWEETIE.

IT.
I CAN'T, SWEETIE.
I-I SOLD THE WATCH TO PAY FOR

I CAN'T, SWEETIE.
I-I SOLD THE WATCH TO PAY FOR
THE SURGERY.

I-I SOLD THE WATCH TO PAY FOR
THE SURGERY.
BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

THE SURGERY.
BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY TO BUY

BUT THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY TO BUY
THIS CHAIN?

HOW DID YOU GET THE MONEY TO BUY
THIS CHAIN?
WELL, I-I SOLD MY...

THIS CHAIN?
WELL, I-I SOLD MY...
NO, YOU DIDN'T! YOU...

WELL, I-I SOLD MY...
NO, YOU DIDN'T! YOU...
YES, I-I SOLD MY HAIRBRUSH.

NO, YOU DIDN'T! YOU...
YES, I-I SOLD MY HAIRBRUSH.
YES.

YES, I-I SOLD MY HAIRBRUSH.
YES.
THE BOUNCE IS GONE, BUT IT WAS

YES.
THE BOUNCE IS GONE, BUT IT WAS
WORTH IT.

THE BOUNCE IS GONE, BUT IT WAS
WORTH IT.
YOU WHAT?

WORTH IT.
YOU WHAT?
IS THAT ALL YOU THINK I'M WORTH,

YOU WHAT?
IS THAT ALL YOU THINK I'M WORTH,
YOU CHEAP SLUT?!

IS THAT ALL YOU THINK I'M WORTH,
YOU CHEAP SLUT?!
BOY, WAS I MISTAKEN ABOUT YOU!

YOU CHEAP SLUT?!
BOY, WAS I MISTAKEN ABOUT YOU!
I SELL MY WATCH THAT'S BEEN IN

BOY, WAS I MISTAKEN ABOUT YOU!
I SELL MY WATCH THAT'S BEEN IN
MY FAMILY FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.

I SELL MY WATCH THAT'S BEEN IN
MY FAMILY FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.
I GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY, AND YOU

MY FAMILY FOR A HUNDRED YEARS.
I GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY, AND YOU
SELL A STUPID HAIRBRUSH TO BUY

I GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY, AND YOU
SELL A STUPID HAIRBRUSH TO BUY
ME SOME JUNK JEWELRY, HUH?!

SELL A STUPID HAIRBRUSH TO BUY
ME SOME JUNK JEWELRY, HUH?!
YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE!

ME SOME JUNK JEWELRY, HUH?!
YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE!
T-THE BRUSH MEANT A LOT TO ME!

YEAH, BUT WAIT A MINUTE!
T-THE BRUSH MEANT A LOT TO ME!
IT HAD NYLON BRISTLES!

T-THE BRUSH MEANT A LOT TO ME!
IT HAD NYLON BRISTLES!
NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH,

IT HAD NYLON BRISTLES!
NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH,
NYEAH, NYEAH!

NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH, NYEAH,
NYEAH, NYEAH!
NYLON BRISTLES, YOUR FACE,

NYEAH, NYEAH!
NYLON BRISTLES, YOUR FACE,
YOU SELFISH PIG!

NYLON BRISTLES, YOUR FACE,
YOU SELFISH PIG!
I COULD'VE BEEN WATCHING THE

YOU SELFISH PIG!
I COULD'VE BEEN WATCHING THE
BALL GAME OR READING AT HOME!

I COULD'VE BEEN WATCHING THE
BALL GAME OR READING AT HOME!
BUT, NOOOO!

BALL GAME OR READING AT HOME!
BUT, NOOOO!
I HAD TO GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY AND

BUT, NOOOO!
I HAD TO GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY AND
MY WATCH!

I HAD TO GIVE YOU MY KIDNEY AND
MY WATCH!
YEAH, BUT, ROBERT, I'VE BEEN

MY WATCH!
YEAH, BUT, ROBERT, I'VE BEEN
SICK!

YEAH, BUT, ROBERT, I'VE BEEN
SICK!
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHOP!

SICK!
I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHOP!
OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO

I DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO SHOP!
OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO
SHOP!

OH, YOU DIDN'T HAVE TIME TO
SHOP!
I HAD THE TIME, HUH?

SHOP!
I HAD THE TIME, HUH?
THEY'RE YANKIN' MY KIDNEY OUT OF

I HAD THE TIME, HUH?
THEY'RE YANKIN' MY KIDNEY OUT OF
ME!

THEY'RE YANKIN' MY KIDNEY OUT OF
ME!
I GOT A SCAR AS BIG AS EUROPE!

ME!
I GOT A SCAR AS BIG AS EUROPE!
WELL, IT'S THE LAST TIME IT'S

I GOT A SCAR AS BIG AS EUROPE!
WELL, IT'S THE LAST TIME IT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN, HELEN!

WELL, IT'S THE LAST TIME IT'S
GOING TO HAPPEN, HELEN!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

ROBERT...
ROBERT WAS RIGHT.
HE WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID, "IT'S

ROBERT WAS RIGHT.
HE WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID, "IT'S
THE GIFT, NOT THE THOUGHT THAT

HE WAS RIGHT WHEN HE SAID, "IT'S
THE GIFT, NOT THE THOUGHT THAT
COUNTS."

THE GIFT, NOT THE THOUGHT THAT
COUNTS."
THEY DON'T CALL IT "THE THOUGHT

COUNTS."
THEY DON'T CALL IT "THE THOUGHT
OF THE MAGI."

THEY DON'T CALL IT "THE THOUGHT
OF THE MAGI."
IT'S "THE GIFT."

OF THE MAGI."
IT'S "THE GIFT."
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.

IT'S "THE GIFT."
YOU'RE DAMN RIGHT.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ELVIS COSTELLO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ELVIS COSTELLO.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "WATCHING THE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES" PLAYS]

♪ NICE GIRLS, NOT ONE WITH A
DEFECT ♪
♪ CELLOPHANE SHRINK-WRAPPED, SO

DEFECT ♪
♪ CELLOPHANE SHRINK-WRAPPED, SO
CORRECT ♪

♪ CELLOPHANE SHRINK-WRAPPED, SO
CORRECT ♪
♪ RED DOGS UNDER ILLEGAL LEGS ♪

CORRECT ♪
♪ RED DOGS UNDER ILLEGAL LEGS ♪
♪ SHE LOOKS SO GOOD THAT HE GETS

♪ RED DOGS UNDER ILLEGAL LEGS ♪
♪ SHE LOOKS SO GOOD THAT HE GETS
DOWN AND BEGS ♪

♪ SHE LOOKS SO GOOD THAT HE GETS
DOWN AND BEGS ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE

DOWN AND BEGS ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪

♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪

DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE

♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪

♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪

DETECTIVES ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪
♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪

♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪
♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪
♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE

♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪
♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE
TEARDROPS START ♪

♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE
TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE WOUNDED 'CAUSE

TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE WOUNDED 'CAUSE
HE'S GOT NO HEART ♪

♪ LONG SHOT OF THAT JUMPING
SIGN ♪
♪ VISIBLE SHIVERS RUNNING DOWN

SIGN ♪
♪ VISIBLE SHIVERS RUNNING DOWN
MY SPINE ♪

♪ VISIBLE SHIVERS RUNNING DOWN
MY SPINE ♪
♪ CUT THE BABY TAKING OFF HER

MY SPINE ♪
♪ CUT THE BABY TAKING OFF HER
CLOTHES ♪

♪ CUT THE BABY TAKING OFF HER
CLOTHES ♪
♪ CLOSE-UP OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS

CLOTHES ♪
♪ CLOSE-UP OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS
"WE NEVER CLOSE" ♪

♪ CLOSE-UP OF THE SIGN THAT SAYS
"WE NEVER CLOSE" ♪
♪ YOU SNATCH A TUNE, YOU MATCH

"WE NEVER CLOSE" ♪
♪ YOU SNATCH A TUNE, YOU MATCH
A CIGARETTE ♪

♪ YOU SNATCH A TUNE, YOU MATCH
A CIGARETTE ♪
♪ SHE PULLS THE EYES OUT WITH

A CIGARETTE ♪
♪ SHE PULLS THE EYES OUT WITH
A FACE LIKE A MAGNET ♪

♪ SHE PULLS THE EYES OUT WITH
A FACE LIKE A MAGNET ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF

A FACE LIKE A MAGNET ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF
THIS I CAN TAKE ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW MUCH MORE OF
THIS I CAN TAKE ♪
♪ SHE'S FILING HER NAILS WHILE

THIS I CAN TAKE ♪
♪ SHE'S FILING HER NAILS WHILE
THEY'RE DRAGGING THE LAKE ♪

♪ SHE'S FILING HER NAILS WHILE
THEY'RE DRAGGING THE LAKE ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE

THEY'RE DRAGGING THE LAKE ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪

♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪

DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE

♪ "OOH, HE'S SO CUTE" ♪
♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪

♪ SHE IS WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪

DETECTIVES ♪
♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪
♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪

♪ OH, WHEN THEY SHOOT ♪
♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪
♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE

♪ SHOOT, SHOOT, SHOOT ♪
♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE
TEARDROPS START ♪

♪ THEY BEAT HIM UP UNTIL THE
TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE WOUNDED 'CAUSE

TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT HE CAN'T BE WOUNDED 'CAUSE
HE'S GOT NO HEART ♪

♪ YOU THINK YOU'RE ALONE UNTIL
YOU REALIZE YOU'RE IN IT ♪
♪ NOW FEAR IS HERE TO STAY, LOVE

YOU REALIZE YOU'RE IN IT ♪
♪ NOW FEAR IS HERE TO STAY, LOVE
IS HERE FOR A VISIT ♪

♪ NOW FEAR IS HERE TO STAY, LOVE
IS HERE FOR A VISIT ♪
♪ THEY CALL IT INSTANT JUSTICE

IS HERE FOR A VISIT ♪
♪ THEY CALL IT INSTANT JUSTICE
WHEN IT'S PAST THE LEGAL LIMIT ♪

♪ THEY CALL IT INSTANT JUSTICE
WHEN IT'S PAST THE LEGAL LIMIT ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S SCRATCHING AT THE

WHEN IT'S PAST THE LEGAL LIMIT ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S SCRATCHING AT THE
WINDOW, I WONDER, WHO IS IT? ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S SCRATCHING AT THE
WINDOW, I WONDER, WHO IS IT? ♪
♪ THE DETECTIVES COME TO CHECK

WINDOW, I WONDER, WHO IS IT? ♪
♪ THE DETECTIVES COME TO CHECK
IF YOU BELONG TO THE PARENTS ♪

♪ THE DETECTIVES COME TO CHECK
IF YOU BELONG TO THE PARENTS ♪
♪ WHO ARE READY TO HEAR THE

IF YOU BELONG TO THE PARENTS ♪
♪ WHO ARE READY TO HEAR THE
WORST ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTER'S

♪ WHO ARE READY TO HEAR THE
WORST ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTER'S
DISAPPEARANCE ♪

WORST ABOUT THEIR DAUGHTER'S
DISAPPEARANCE ♪
♪ THOUGH IT NEARLY TOOK A

DISAPPEARANCE ♪
♪ THOUGH IT NEARLY TOOK A
MIRACLE TO GET YOU TO STAY ♪

♪ THOUGH IT NEARLY TOOK A
MIRACLE TO GET YOU TO STAY ♪
♪ IT ONLY TOOK MY LITTLE FINGERS

MIRACLE TO GET YOU TO STAY ♪
♪ IT ONLY TOOK MY LITTLE FINGERS
TO BLOW YOU AWAY ♪

♪ IT ONLY TOOK MY LITTLE FINGERS
TO BLOW YOU AWAY ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪

TO BLOW YOU AWAY ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "DON'T GET CUTE" ♪

♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪
♪ "DON'T GET CUTE" ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪

♪ "DON'T GET CUTE" ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪
♪ I GET SO ANGRY WHEN THE

♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪
♪ I GET SO ANGRY WHEN THE
TEARDROPS START ♪

♪ I GET SO ANGRY WHEN THE
TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN'T BE WOUNDED

TEARDROPS START ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN'T BE WOUNDED
'CAUSE YOU GOT NO HEART ♪

♪ JUST LIKE WATCHING THE
DETECTIVES ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DEFECTIVES ♪

DETECTIVES ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DEFECTIVES ♪
♪ WATCHING THE DETECTIVES ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," FORMER
PRESIDENT AND MRS. GERALD FORD

"WEEKEND UPDATE," FORMER
PRESIDENT AND MRS. GERALD FORD
ENJOY BEING PRIVATE CITIZENS.

PRESIDENT AND MRS. GERALD FORD
ENJOY BEING PRIVATE CITIZENS.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON

ENJOY BEING PRIVATE CITIZENS.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP

THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.

"WEEKEND UPDATE," COMING UP
NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW

NEXT.
Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND I EAT,

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND I EAT,
SLEEP, AND SNORT NEWS, IF YOU

I'M DAN AYKROYD, AND I EAT,
SLEEP, AND SNORT NEWS, IF YOU
CATCH MY DRIFT.

SLEEP, AND SNORT NEWS, IF YOU
CATCH MY DRIFT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I

CATCH MY DRIFT.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I
CATCH YOUR DRIFT, DAN.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I
CATCH YOUR DRIFT, DAN.
OUR TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT, THE

CATCH YOUR DRIFT, DAN.
OUR TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT, THE
COVER OF THE UPCOMING JANUARY

OUR TOP STORY FOR TONIGHT, THE
COVER OF THE UPCOMING JANUARY
ISSUE OF Ms. MAGAZINE FEATURES A

COVER OF THE UPCOMING JANUARY
ISSUE OF Ms. MAGAZINE FEATURES A
VERY PREGNANT JIMMY CARTER.

ISSUE OF Ms. MAGAZINE FEATURES A
VERY PREGNANT JIMMY CARTER.
THE PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY

VERY PREGNANT JIMMY CARTER.
THE PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY
COMMENTED THAT THE PICTURE WAS

THE PRESIDENT REPORTEDLY
COMMENTED THAT THE PICTURE WAS
OBVIOUSLY A HOAX, AND HE HASN'T

COMMENTED THAT THE PICTURE WAS
OBVIOUSLY A HOAX, AND HE HASN'T
BEEN PREGNANT SINCE HE HAD AMY

OBVIOUSLY A HOAX, AND HE HASN'T
BEEN PREGNANT SINCE HE HAD AMY
10 YEARS AGO.

BEEN PREGNANT SINCE HE HAD AMY
10 YEARS AGO.
ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER

10 YEARS AGO.
ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER
MENACHEM BEGIN IS IN WASHINGTON

ISRAELI PRIME MINISTER
MENACHEM BEGIN IS IN WASHINGTON
WITH PRESIDENT CARTER DISCUSSING

MENACHEM BEGIN IS IN WASHINGTON
WITH PRESIDENT CARTER DISCUSSING
U.S. REACTION TO BEGIN'S MOST

WITH PRESIDENT CARTER DISCUSSING
U.S. REACTION TO BEGIN'S MOST
RECENT PEACE PROPOSAL.

U.S. REACTION TO BEGIN'S MOST
RECENT PEACE PROPOSAL.
SINCE THE JEWISH SABBATH ENDED

RECENT PEACE PROPOSAL.
SINCE THE JEWISH SABBATH ENDED
AT 7:00 P.M. TONIGHT, THEIR

SINCE THE JEWISH SABBATH ENDED
AT 7:00 P.M. TONIGHT, THEIR
MEETING JUST STARTED A COUPLE OF

AT 7:00 P.M. TONIGHT, THEIR
MEETING JUST STARTED A COUPLE OF
HOURS AGO, AND OUR OPERATOR HAS

MEETING JUST STARTED A COUPLE OF
HOURS AGO, AND OUR OPERATOR HAS
PUT IN A CALL SO THAT I MAY

HOURS AGO, AND OUR OPERATOR HAS
PUT IN A CALL SO THAT I MAY
SPEAK WITH THE WHITE HOUSE.

PUT IN A CALL SO THAT I MAY
SPEAK WITH THE WHITE HOUSE.
[Ringing]

SPEAK WITH THE WHITE HOUSE.
[Ringing]
White House.

[Ringing]
White House.
YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK

White House.
YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK
WITH THE PRESIDENT.

YES, I WOULD LIKE TO SPEAK
WITH THE PRESIDENT.
I'm sorry.

WITH THE PRESIDENT.
I'm sorry.
He's meeting with the

I'm sorry.
He's meeting with the
Prime Minister Begin now.

He's meeting with the
Prime Minister Begin now.
You see, the Jewish Sabbath

Prime Minister Begin now.
You see, the Jewish Sabbath
ended at 7:00 p.m., and...

You see, the Jewish Sabbath
ended at 7:00 p.m., and...
THIS IS JANE CURTIN FROM

ended at 7:00 p.m., and...
THIS IS JANE CURTIN FROM
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS IS JANE CURTIN FROM
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Curtin.

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Curtin.
I'll put you right through.

Oh, I'm sorry, Miss Curtin.
I'll put you right through.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D KNOW MY

I'll put you right through.
YOU'D THINK THEY'D KNOW MY
VOICE BY NOW.

YOU'D THINK THEY'D KNOW MY
VOICE BY NOW.
Hello?

VOICE BY NOW.
Hello?
HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.

Hello?
HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.
Hi, Jane. How are you?

HELLO, MR. PRESIDENT.
Hi, Jane. How are you?
JUST FINE, MR. PRESIDENT.

Hi, Jane. How are you?
JUST FINE, MR. PRESIDENT.
That's wonderful news, Jane.

JUST FINE, MR. PRESIDENT.
That's wonderful news, Jane.
How's your distinguished

That's wonderful news, Jane.
How's your distinguished
colleague, Dan Aykroyd?

How's your distinguished
colleague, Dan Aykroyd?
OH, HE'S JUST FINE.

Colleague, Dan Aykroyd?
OH, HE'S JUST FINE.
Well, Jane, will you tell him

OH, HE'S JUST FINE.
Well, Jane, will you tell him
I think he's just great?

Well, Jane, will you tell him
I think he's just great?
OKAY, I WILL.

I think he's just great?
OKAY, I WILL.
Jane, would it be possible

OKAY, I WILL.
Jane, would it be possible
for me to get tickets to the

Jane, would it be possible
for me to get tickets to the
show?

For me to get tickets to the
show?
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL

show?
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL
LOOK INTO IT.

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I'LL
LOOK INTO IT.
Thanks a lot, Jane.

LOOK INTO IT.
Thanks a lot, Jane.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR

Thanks a lot, Jane.
BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR
MEETING WITH THE PRIME MINISTER

BY THE WAY, HOW'S YOUR
MEETING WITH THE PRIME MINISTER
GOING?

MEETING WITH THE PRIME MINISTER
GOING?
Just fine.

GOING?
Just fine.
We're covering a lot of ground

Just fine.
We're covering a lot of ground
and having a good time.

We're covering a lot of ground
and having a good time.
WONDERFUL!

And having a good time.
WONDERFUL!
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO

WONDERFUL!
WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO
SPEAK WITH MR. BEGIN?

WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO
SPEAK WITH MR. BEGIN?
Well, he's indisposed at the

SPEAK WITH MR. BEGIN?
Well, he's indisposed at the
moment.

Well, he's indisposed at the
moment.
WELL, WILL HE BE LONG?

Moment.
WELL, WILL HE BE LONG?
He might be.

WELL, WILL HE BE LONG?
He might be.
He took a magazine with him.

He might be.
He took a magazine with him.
I SEE.

He took a magazine with him.
I SEE.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT,

I SEE.
WELL, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT,
FOR TAKING TIME TO TALK WITH US.

WELL, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT,
FOR TAKING TIME TO TALK WITH US.
Don't be silly, Jane.

FOR TAKING TIME TO TALK WITH US.
Don't be silly, Jane.
Call anytime.

Don't be silly, Jane.
Call anytime.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

Call anytime.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD BYE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
GOOD BYE.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.

GOOD BYE.
OKAY, BYE-BYE.
AN ASTRONOMER FROM ENGLAND'S

OKAY, BYE-BYE.
AN ASTRONOMER FROM ENGLAND'S
ROYAL GREENWICH OBSERVATORY SAID

AN ASTRONOMER FROM ENGLAND'S
ROYAL GREENWICH OBSERVATORY SAID
THIS WEEK THAT THE STAR OF

ROYAL GREENWICH OBSERVATORY SAID
THIS WEEK THAT THE STAR OF
BETHLEHEM WAS ACTUALLY A NOVA,

THIS WEEK THAT THE STAR OF
BETHLEHEM WAS ACTUALLY A NOVA,
OR GASEOUS NUCLEAR EXPLOSION IN

BETHLEHEM WAS ACTUALLY A NOVA,
OR GASEOUS NUCLEAR EXPLOSION IN
SPACE.

OR GASEOUS NUCLEAR EXPLOSION IN
SPACE.
WORLD LEADERS INTERPRETED THIS

SPACE.
WORLD LEADERS INTERPRETED THIS
AS MEANING THAT GOD HAS THE BOMB

WORLD LEADERS INTERPRETED THIS
AS MEANING THAT GOD HAS THE BOMB
AND IMMEDIATELY INVITED HIM TO

AS MEANING THAT GOD HAS THE BOMB
AND IMMEDIATELY INVITED HIM TO
THE NEXT SALT TALKS IN GENEVA.

AND IMMEDIATELY INVITED HIM TO
THE NEXT SALT TALKS IN GENEVA.
AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON

THE NEXT SALT TALKS IN GENEVA.
AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

AND NOW A NEW FEATURE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
HERE'S CORRESPONDENT

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
HERE'S CORRESPONDENT
GARRETT MORRIS WITH THIS WEEK'S

HERE'S CORRESPONDENT
GARRETT MORRIS WITH THIS WEEK'S
POINT OF VIEW.

GARRETT MORRIS WITH THIS WEEK'S
POINT OF VIEW.
GARRETT?

POINT OF VIEW.
GARRETT?
AFTER 400 YEARS OF OPPRESSION

GARRETT?
AFTER 400 YEARS OF OPPRESSION
FROM THE WHITE AMERICAN PUBLIC,

AFTER 400 YEARS OF OPPRESSION
FROM THE WHITE AMERICAN PUBLIC,
I THOUGHT AND ACTUALLY STARTED

FROM THE WHITE AMERICAN PUBLIC,
I THOUGHT AND ACTUALLY STARTED
TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE STRIDES

I THOUGHT AND ACTUALLY STARTED
TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE STRIDES
THAT THE BLACK MAN WAS MAKING IN

TO FEEL GOOD ABOUT THE STRIDES
THAT THE BLACK MAN WAS MAKING IN
TERMS OF AMERICAN JUSTICE AND

THAT THE BLACK MAN WAS MAKING IN
TERMS OF AMERICAN JUSTICE AND
THAT THE DECISION OF BROWN vs.

TERMS OF AMERICAN JUSTICE AND
THAT THE DECISION OF BROWN vs.
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION AND

THAT THE DECISION OF BROWN vs.
THE BOARD OF EDUCATION AND
MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MARCH ON

THE BOARD OF EDUCATION AND
MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MARCH ON
SELMA WERE NOT IN VAIN.

MARTIN LUTHER KING'S MARCH ON
SELMA WERE NOT IN VAIN.
BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.

SELMA WERE NOT IN VAIN.
BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
PAINFULLY WRONG...

BUT I GUESS I WAS WRONG.
PAINFULLY WRONG...
FOR LAST WEEK, ANOTHER INCIDENT

PAINFULLY WRONG...
FOR LAST WEEK, ANOTHER INCIDENT
OF INJUSTICE OCCURRED.

FOR LAST WEEK, ANOTHER INCIDENT
OF INJUSTICE OCCURRED.
THIS TIME IT WAS NOT ON THE

OF INJUSTICE OCCURRED.
THIS TIME IT WAS NOT ON THE
STREETS.

THIS TIME IT WAS NOT ON THE
STREETS.
IT WAS NOT IN THE STORES.

STREETS.
IT WAS NOT IN THE STORES.
IT WAS NOT IN THE CHURCHES.

IT WAS NOT IN THE STORES.
IT WAS NOT IN THE CHURCHES.
IT WAS NOT IN THE RESTAURANTS.

IT WAS NOT IN THE CHURCHES.
IT WAS NOT IN THE RESTAURANTS.
IT WAS NOT IN THE TOILETS!

IT WAS NOT IN THE RESTAURANTS.
IT WAS NOT IN THE TOILETS!
IT WAS IN THE SPORTS ARENA.

IT WAS NOT IN THE TOILETS!
IT WAS IN THE SPORTS ARENA.
THE BLACK MAN WAS A SCAPEGOAT

IT WAS IN THE SPORTS ARENA.
THE BLACK MAN WAS A SCAPEGOAT
AGAIN.

THE BLACK MAN WAS A SCAPEGOAT
AGAIN.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT

AGAIN.
I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
THE ALLEGED FIGHT BETWEEN TWO

I'M TALKING, OF COURSE, ABOUT
THE ALLEGED FIGHT BETWEEN TWO
NBA BASKETBALL PLAYERS DURING A

THE ALLEGED FIGHT BETWEEN TWO
NBA BASKETBALL PLAYERS DURING A
GAME WHEN A BLACK PLAYER, FOR NO

NBA BASKETBALL PLAYERS DURING A
GAME WHEN A BLACK PLAYER, FOR NO
REASON OTHER THAN HIS COLOR, WAS

GAME WHEN A BLACK PLAYER, FOR NO
REASON OTHER THAN HIS COLOR, WAS
ACCUSED OF STRIKING A WHITE

REASON OTHER THAN HIS COLOR, WAS
ACCUSED OF STRIKING A WHITE
PLAYER.

ACCUSED OF STRIKING A WHITE
PLAYER.
IT'S THE SAME OLD STORY... A

PLAYER.
IT'S THE SAME OLD STORY... A
WHITE MAN FALLS, AND A BLACK MAN

IT'S THE SAME OLD STORY... A
WHITE MAN FALLS, AND A BLACK MAN
IS ACCUSED OF MAKING HIM FALL.

WHITE MAN FALLS, AND A BLACK MAN
IS ACCUSED OF MAKING HIM FALL.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A TAPE

IS ACCUSED OF MAKING HIM FALL.
WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A TAPE
OF THIS ALLEGED FIGHT.

WE'RE GOING TO SHOW YOU A TAPE
OF THIS ALLEGED FIGHT.
NOW, YOU BE THE JUDGE.

UH, THIS VERSION...
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS VERSION COULD BE DECEIVING.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS VERSION COULD BE DECEIVING.
I SEE WHERE IT COULD GIVE THE

THIS VERSION COULD BE DECEIVING.
I SEE WHERE IT COULD GIVE THE
ILLUSION THAT WHITEY WAS HIT.

I SEE WHERE IT COULD GIVE THE
ILLUSION THAT WHITEY WAS HIT.
BUT LET'S LOOK CLOSER.

ILLUSION THAT WHITEY WAS HIT.
BUT LET'S LOOK CLOSER.
IN SLOW MOTION.

UH...
OKAY, OKAY, SO, MAYBE I'M WRONG.
MAYBE HE DID HIT HIM.

OKAY, OKAY, SO, MAYBE I'M WRONG.
MAYBE HE DID HIT HIM.
ALL RIGHT.

MAYBE HE DID HIT HIM.
ALL RIGHT.
W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT

ALL RIGHT.
W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT
IT, HUH?

W-WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO ABOUT
IT, HUH?
OPPRESS ME FOR ANOTHER 400

IT, HUH?
OPPRESS ME FOR ANOTHER 400
YEARS FOR AN HONEST MISTAKE,

OPPRESS ME FOR ANOTHER 400
YEARS FOR AN HONEST MISTAKE,
HUH?

YEARS FOR AN HONEST MISTAKE,
HUH?
JIVE CRACKERS!

HUH?
JIVE CRACKERS!
BACK TO YOU, DAN.

THANK YOU, GARRETT.
THIS WEEK, THE NEW JERSEY
SUPREME COURT OVERTURNED A

THIS WEEK, THE NEW JERSEY
SUPREME COURT OVERTURNED A
200-YEAR-OLD LAW BARRING SEX

SUPREME COURT OVERTURNED A
200-YEAR-OLD LAW BARRING SEX
BETWEEN UNMARRIED ADULTS, RULING

200-YEAR-OLD LAW BARRING SEX
BETWEEN UNMARRIED ADULTS, RULING
THAT A FREE SOCIETY DEMANDS THE

BETWEEN UNMARRIED ADULTS, RULING
THAT A FREE SOCIETY DEMANDS THE
RIGHT TO PERSONAL AUTONOMY.

THAT A FREE SOCIETY DEMANDS THE
RIGHT TO PERSONAL AUTONOMY.
TONIGHT, THE NEW JERSEY

RIGHT TO PERSONAL AUTONOMY.
TONIGHT, THE NEW JERSEY
COALITION OF UNMARRIED ADULTS

TONIGHT, THE NEW JERSEY
COALITION OF UNMARRIED ADULTS
COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR

COALITION OF UNMARRIED ADULTS
COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR
COMMENT.

COULD NOT BE REACHED FOR
COMMENT.
THEY WERE ALL AT HOME HAVING

COMMENT.
THEY WERE ALL AT HOME HAVING
PERSONAL AUTONOMY.

THEY WERE ALL AT HOME HAVING
PERSONAL AUTONOMY.
IN CONGRESS THIS WEEK, THE

PERSONAL AUTONOMY.
IN CONGRESS THIS WEEK, THE
SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE ON FOREIGN

IN CONGRESS THIS WEEK, THE
SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE ON FOREIGN
RELATIONS, POWER SUBSIDIES,

SENATE SUBCOMMITTEE ON FOREIGN
RELATIONS, POWER SUBSIDIES,
FEDERAL BANKING, AND FARM

RELATIONS, POWER SUBSIDIES,
FEDERAL BANKING, AND FARM
SURPLUSES.

FEDERAL BANKING, AND FARM
SURPLUSES.
AND NOW THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW

SURPLUSES.
AND NOW THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW
BY BILL MURRAY.

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S MOVIE REVIEW
BY BILL MURRAY.
BILL?

BY BILL MURRAY.
BILL?
THANK YOU, JANE.

BILL?
THANK YOU, JANE.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE,

THANK YOU, JANE.
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE,
ALL MY MAIN MEN AND WOMEN?

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING OUT THERE,
ALL MY MAIN MEN AND WOMEN?
HEY.

ALL MY MAIN MEN AND WOMEN?
HEY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HEY.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK TONIGHT A REVIEW IS IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I THINK TONIGHT A REVIEW IS IN
ORDER FOR A FILM YOU'LL PROBABLY

I THINK TONIGHT A REVIEW IS IN
ORDER FOR A FILM YOU'LL PROBABLY
SEE FIVE OR SIX TIMES DURING THE

ORDER FOR A FILM YOU'LL PROBABLY
SEE FIVE OR SIX TIMES DURING THE
HOLIDAYS...

SEE FIVE OR SIX TIMES DURING THE
HOLIDAYS...
"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET."

HOLIDAYS...
"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET."
WHAT A SUPREME DISAPPOINTMENT.

"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET."
WHAT A SUPREME DISAPPOINTMENT.
GEORGE SEATON, YOU'RE A GREAT

WHAT A SUPREME DISAPPOINTMENT.
GEORGE SEATON, YOU'RE A GREAT
DIRECTOR AND OLD PAL, BUT I'M

GEORGE SEATON, YOU'RE A GREAT
DIRECTOR AND OLD PAL, BUT I'M
SORRY.

DIRECTOR AND OLD PAL, BUT I'M
SORRY.
YOU COPPED OUT.

SORRY.
YOU COPPED OUT.
NOW, THIS FILM TRADES ON THE

YOU COPPED OUT.
NOW, THIS FILM TRADES ON THE
QUESTION OF THE EXISTENCE OF

NOW, THIS FILM TRADES ON THE
QUESTION OF THE EXISTENCE OF
SANTA CLAUS, YET IT FAILS TO

QUESTION OF THE EXISTENCE OF
SANTA CLAUS, YET IT FAILS TO
TAKE A FIRM STAND AS TO WHETHER

SANTA CLAUS, YET IT FAILS TO
TAKE A FIRM STAND AS TO WHETHER
THERE IS OR IS NOT A SANTA.

TAKE A FIRM STAND AS TO WHETHER
THERE IS OR IS NOT A SANTA.
SURE, WE SEE THE POST OFFICE

THERE IS OR IS NOT A SANTA.
SURE, WE SEE THE POST OFFICE
DELIVERING ALL THE KIDS' LETTERS

SURE, WE SEE THE POST OFFICE
DELIVERING ALL THE KIDS' LETTERS
TO MR. KRINGLE, BUT IT'S JUST A

DELIVERING ALL THE KIDS' LETTERS
TO MR. KRINGLE, BUT IT'S JUST A
LEGAL TRICK.

TO MR. KRINGLE, BUT IT'S JUST A
LEGAL TRICK.
WE SEE HIS CANE LEFT BEHIND IN

LEGAL TRICK.
WE SEE HIS CANE LEFT BEHIND IN
THE NEW HOUSE, BUT ARE WE SURE

WE SEE HIS CANE LEFT BEHIND IN
THE NEW HOUSE, BUT ARE WE SURE
IT'S HIS?

THE NEW HOUSE, BUT ARE WE SURE
IT'S HIS?
AND DID HE REALLY GIVE THEM THE

IT'S HIS?
AND DID HE REALLY GIVE THEM THE
HOUSE?

AND DID HE REALLY GIVE THEM THE
HOUSE?
OR ARE THE PARENTS GONNA HAVE TO

HOUSE?
OR ARE THE PARENTS GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE ALL THE PAYMENTS?

OR ARE THE PARENTS GONNA HAVE TO
MAKE ALL THE PAYMENTS?
GIVE ME A BREAK-SKI, PLEASE-SKI!

MAKE ALL THE PAYMENTS?
GIVE ME A BREAK-SKI, PLEASE-SKI!
IT'S LEFT AMBIGUOUS, AND

GIVE ME A BREAK-SKI, PLEASE-SKI!
IT'S LEFT AMBIGUOUS, AND
THEREFORE, INSTEAD OF BEING THE

IT'S LEFT AMBIGUOUS, AND
THEREFORE, INSTEAD OF BEING THE
DEFINITIVE, POSITIVE SANTA

THEREFORE, INSTEAD OF BEING THE
DEFINITIVE, POSITIVE SANTA
STATEMENT IT PRETENDS TO BE,

DEFINITIVE, POSITIVE SANTA
STATEMENT IT PRETENDS TO BE,
"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET" IS JUST

STATEMENT IT PRETENDS TO BE,
"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET" IS JUST
ANOTHER COMMERCIAL EXPLOITATION

"MIRACLE ON 34th STREET" IS JUST
ANOTHER COMMERCIAL EXPLOITATION
OF CHRISTMAS AND THAT WONDERFUL

ANOTHER COMMERCIAL EXPLOITATION
OF CHRISTMAS AND THAT WONDERFUL
YET FRAGILE BELIEF IN

OF CHRISTMAS AND THAT WONDERFUL
YET FRAGILE BELIEF IN
SANTA CLAUS.

YET FRAGILE BELIEF IN
SANTA CLAUS.
YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY,

SANTA CLAUS.
YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY,
"YES, THERE IS A SANTA."

YOU HAD AN OPPORTUNITY TO SAY,
"YES, THERE IS A SANTA."
BUT YOU COPPED OUT,

"YES, THERE IS A SANTA."
BUT YOU COPPED OUT,
20th CENTURY FOX.

BUT YOU COPPED OUT,
20th CENTURY FOX.
YEAH, YOU COPPED OUT.

20th CENTURY FOX.
YEAH, YOU COPPED OUT.
NOW, JUST WAIT A SECOND.

YEAH, YOU COPPED OUT.
NOW, JUST WAIT A SECOND.
DID FOX MAKE THAT?

NOW, JUST WAIT A SECOND.
DID FOX MAKE THAT?
LET ME CHECK.

DID FOX MAKE THAT?
LET ME CHECK.
I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.

LET ME CHECK.
I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
I GOT IT MARKED.

I GOT IT RIGHT HERE.
I GOT IT MARKED.
YES, THEY DID.

I GOT IT MARKED.
YES, THEY DID.
20th CENTURY FOX.

YES, THEY DID.
20th CENTURY FOX.
THIS IS A BOOK THAT TELLS YOU

20th CENTURY FOX.
THIS IS A BOOK THAT TELLS YOU
ALL ABOUT MOVIES AND WHAT'S ON

THIS IS A BOOK THAT TELLS YOU
ALL ABOUT MOVIES AND WHAT'S ON
TV.

ALL ABOUT MOVIES AND WHAT'S ON
TV.
UH, SANTA BROUGHT THIS TO ME

TV.
UH, SANTA BROUGHT THIS TO ME
LAST YEAR.

UH, SANTA BROUGHT THIS TO ME
LAST YEAR.
AND I WANT TO... SINCE I HAVE

LAST YEAR.
AND I WANT TO... SINCE I HAVE
THE OPPORTUNITY, I WANTED TO

AND I WANT TO... SINCE I HAVE
THE OPPORTUNITY, I WANTED TO
THANK SANTA FOR BRINGING ME

THE OPPORTUNITY, I WANTED TO
THANK SANTA FOR BRINGING ME
THIS, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO

THANK SANTA FOR BRINGING ME
THIS, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO
BRING US ANYTHING BECAUSE WE'RE

THIS, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T HAVE TO
BRING US ANYTHING BECAUSE WE'RE
GOOD.

BRING US ANYTHING BECAUSE WE'RE
GOOD.
THAT'S IT'S OWN REWARD.

GOOD.
THAT'S IT'S OWN REWARD.
BUT HE COMES ANYWAY.

THAT'S IT'S OWN REWARD.
BUT HE COMES ANYWAY.
IT'S A BONUS, YOU KNOW.

BUT HE COMES ANYWAY.
IT'S A BONUS, YOU KNOW.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN.

IT'S A BONUS, YOU KNOW.
BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN.
ONE YEAR, I WAS STAYING UP

BUT YOU NEVER KNOW WHEN.
ONE YEAR, I WAS STAYING UP
WAITING FOR HIM, AND I FELL

ONE YEAR, I WAS STAYING UP
WAITING FOR HIM, AND I FELL
ASLEEP FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES AT

WAITING FOR HIM, AND I FELL
ASLEEP FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES AT
12:30, AND THAT'S WHEN HE CAME.

ASLEEP FOR ABOUT TWO MINUTES AT
12:30, AND THAT'S WHEN HE CAME.
AND TWO YEARS AGO, I STAYED UP

12:30, AND THAT'S WHEN HE CAME.
AND TWO YEARS AGO, I STAYED UP
UNTIL 5:30.

AND TWO YEARS AGO, I STAYED UP
UNTIL 5:30.
I FELL ASLEEP, AND I GUESS HE

UNTIL 5:30.
I FELL ASLEEP, AND I GUESS HE
MUST HAVE COME AROUND 6:00.

I FELL ASLEEP, AND I GUESS HE
MUST HAVE COME AROUND 6:00.
BUT MY SISTER SAW HIM.

MUST HAVE COME AROUND 6:00.
BUT MY SISTER SAW HIM.
SO... SO, I WANT TO BLESS MY

BUT MY SISTER SAW HIM.
SO... SO, I WANT TO BLESS MY
SISTER AND BLESS MY MOM AND ALL

SO... SO, I WANT TO BLESS MY
SISTER AND BLESS MY MOM AND ALL
MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS...

SISTER AND BLESS MY MOM AND ALL
MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS...
ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, ANDY,

MY BROTHERS AND SISTERS...
ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, ANDY,
LAURA, JOHN, AND JOEL.

ED, BRIAN, NANCY, PEGGY, ANDY,
LAURA, JOHN, AND JOEL.
AND BLESS THE REINDEER SO THAT

LAURA, JOHN, AND JOEL.
AND BLESS THE REINDEER SO THAT
THEY DON'T CATCH A COLD FLYING

AND BLESS THE REINDEER SO THAT
THEY DON'T CATCH A COLD FLYING
AT NIGHT FROM THE NORTH POLE

THEY DON'T CATCH A COLD FLYING
AT NIGHT FROM THE NORTH POLE
DOWN TO NEW YORK AND THEN OVER

AT NIGHT FROM THE NORTH POLE
DOWN TO NEW YORK AND THEN OVER
TO EUROPE.

DOWN TO NEW YORK AND THEN OVER
TO EUROPE.
AND MAY...

TO EUROPE.
AND MAY...
MAY EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE

AND MAY...
MAY EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE
WORLD...

MAY EVERYBODY IN THE WHOLE
WORLD...
H-HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A

WORLD...
H-HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY NEW YEAR.

H-HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE, AND I MEAN

HAPPY NEW YEAR.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE, AND I MEAN
IT.

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS]
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A
LATE-BREAKING STORY FROM THE NBC

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A
LATE-BREAKING STORY FROM THE NBC
DANCING "N."

LATE-BREAKING STORY FROM THE NBC
DANCING "N."
"IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE

DANCING "N."
"IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE
LATE-BREAKING STORY, LET ME OUT

"IF YOU WANT TO HEAR THE
LATE-BREAKING STORY, LET ME OUT
OF HERE, AND I'LL TELL IT TO YOU

LATE-BREAKING STORY, LET ME OUT
OF HERE, AND I'LL TELL IT TO YOU
IN PERSON."

OF HERE, AND I'LL TELL IT TO YOU
IN PERSON."
HEY, WHY NOT PULL THAT THING

IN PERSON."
HEY, WHY NOT PULL THAT THING
OFF?

HEY, WHY NOT PULL THAT THING
OFF?
I'M CURIOUS WHO'S UNDER IT.

OFF?
I'M CURIOUS WHO'S UNDER IT.
OKAY.

I'M CURIOUS WHO'S UNDER IT.
OKAY.
HELLO, EVERYBODY!

OKAY.
HELLO, EVERYBODY!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

HELLO!
HELLO, MR. ADENOID!
I THINK YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL

HELLO, MR. ADENOID!
I THINK YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL
JOB WITH THE NEWS!

I THINK YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL
JOB WITH THE NEWS!
THANKS A LOT.

JOB WITH THE NEWS!
THANKS A LOT.
UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK

THANKS A LOT.
UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK
THE NEWS IS WONDERFUL, EXCEPT

UH, YOU KNOW, I JUST THINK
THE NEWS IS WONDERFUL, EXCEPT
IT'S MISSING ONE THING!

THE NEWS IS WONDERFUL, EXCEPT
IT'S MISSING ONE THING!
WHAT WOULD THAT BE, EMILY?

IT'S MISSING ONE THING!
WHAT WOULD THAT BE, EMILY?
ME!

WHAT WOULD THAT BE, EMILY?
ME!
I MEAN, WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP

ME!
I MEAN, WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP
DANCING AROUND IN THAT OLD BOX?!

I MEAN, WHY DO I HAVE TO KEEP
DANCING AROUND IN THAT OLD BOX?!
I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO BE OUT HERE,

DANCING AROUND IN THAT OLD BOX?!
I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO BE OUT HERE,
TALKING ABOUT THE ISSUES.

I MEAN, I'D LIKE TO BE OUT HERE,
TALKING ABOUT THE ISSUES.
COULDN'T I HAVE A CHANCE, JANE?

TALKING ABOUT THE ISSUES.
COULDN'T I HAVE A CHANCE, JANE?
WELL, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

COULDN'T I HAVE A CHANCE, JANE?
WELL, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
EMILY, YOU DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB.

WELL, TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,
EMILY, YOU DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB.
YOUR HEARING PROBLEM SCREWED UP

EMILY, YOU DIDN'T DO A GOOD JOB.
YOUR HEARING PROBLEM SCREWED UP
EVERYTHING, AND YOU REPORTED ON

YOUR HEARING PROBLEM SCREWED UP
EVERYTHING, AND YOU REPORTED ON
ALL THE WRONG ISSUES.

EVERYTHING, AND YOU REPORTED ON
ALL THE WRONG ISSUES.
WELL, DIDN'T YOU EVER MAKE A

ALL THE WRONG ISSUES.
WELL, DIDN'T YOU EVER MAKE A
MISTAKE, JEN?

WELL, DIDN'T YOU EVER MAKE A
MISTAKE, JEN?
WHY NOT GIVE HER ONE MORE

MISTAKE, JEN?
WHY NOT GIVE HER ONE MORE
CHANCE THERE, JUNE?

WHY NOT GIVE HER ONE MORE
CHANCE THERE, JUNE?
IT BEING CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.

CHANCE THERE, JUNE?
IT BEING CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.
ALL RIGHT?

IT BEING CHRISTMAS, YOU KNOW.
ALL RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ALL RIGHT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CLEARS THROAT]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE HEADLINES

[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE HEADLINES
I KEEP SEEING ABOUT THE "SST"

NOW, WHAT'S ALL THESE HEADLINES
I KEEP SEEING ABOUT THE "SST"
LANDING IN NEW YORK?!

I KEEP SEEING ABOUT THE "SST"
LANDING IN NEW YORK?!
IF IT'S SO DAMN IMPORTANT, WHY

LANDING IN NEW YORK?!
IF IT'S SO DAMN IMPORTANT, WHY
DON'T THEY COME RIGHT OUT AND

IF IT'S SO DAMN IMPORTANT, WHY
DON'T THEY COME RIGHT OUT AND
TELL US WHAT IT IS INSTEAD OF

DON'T THEY COME RIGHT OUT AND
TELL US WHAT IT IS INSTEAD OF
WHISPERING "SST" ABOUT IT?

TELL US WHAT IT IS INSTEAD OF
WHISPERING "SST" ABOUT IT?
I HATE SECRETS!

WHISPERING "SST" ABOUT IT?
I HATE SECRETS!
THEY KEEP SAYING SST MAKES A

I HATE SECRETS!
THEY KEEP SAYING SST MAKES A
LOT OF NOISE!

THEY KEEP SAYING SST MAKES A
LOT OF NOISE!
EMILY...

LOT OF NOISE!
EMILY...
NO MATTER HOW LOUD YOU SAY

EMILY...
NO MATTER HOW LOUD YOU SAY
"SST," IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE

NO MATTER HOW LOUD YOU SAY
"SST," IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE
"SST" WHICH IS VERY SOFT,

"SST," IT STILL SOUNDS LIKE
"SST" WHICH IS VERY SOFT,
INDEED!

"SST" WHICH IS VERY SOFT,
INDEED!
EMILY!

INDEED!
EMILY!
WHAT?! WHAT?!

EMILY!
WHAT?! WHAT?!
THAT'S "S.S.T."

WHAT?! WHAT?!
THAT'S "S.S.T."
NOT "SST."

THAT'S "S.S.T."
NOT "SST."
S.S.T... SUPERSONIC TRANSPORT.

NOT "SST."
S.S.T... SUPERSONIC TRANSPORT.
IT'S A PLANE THAT TRAVELS FASTER

S.S.T... SUPERSONIC TRANSPORT.
IT'S A PLANE THAT TRAVELS FASTER
THAN THE SPEED OF SOUND AND

IT'S A PLANE THAT TRAVELS FASTER
THAN THE SPEED OF SOUND AND
CROSSES THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IN

THAN THE SPEED OF SOUND AND
CROSSES THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IN
TWO AND A HALF HOURS.

CROSSES THE ATLANTIC OCEAN IN
TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
S.S.T., NOT SST.

TWO AND A HALF HOURS.
S.S.T., NOT SST.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY

S.S.T., NOT SST.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.
NEVER MIND.

EMILY...
IT'S NO WONDER WE'VE KEPT YOU
OFF "UPDATE" THIS YEAR.

IT'S NO WONDER WE'VE KEPT YOU
OFF "UPDATE" THIS YEAR.
NOT ONLY CAN'T YOU HEAR...

OFF "UPDATE" THIS YEAR.
NOT ONLY CAN'T YOU HEAR...
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.

NOT ONLY CAN'T YOU HEAR...
THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL

THAT'S UNDERSTANDABLE.
OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL
IMPAIRMENT.

OBVIOUSLY YOU HAVE A PHYSICAL
IMPAIRMENT.
WHAT?

IMPAIRMENT.
WHAT?
[Yelling] I SAID IT'S

WHAT?
[Yelling] I SAID IT'S
EXCUSABLE THAT YOU CANNOT HEAR,

[Yelling] I SAID IT'S
EXCUSABLE THAT YOU CANNOT HEAR,
BUT THIS S.S.T. THING IS

EXCUSABLE THAT YOU CANNOT HEAR,
BUT THIS S.S.T. THING IS
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!

BUT THIS S.S.T. THING IS
ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!
YOU OBVIOUSLY WERE PHYSICALLY

ENTIRELY DIFFERENT!
YOU OBVIOUSLY WERE PHYSICALLY
ABLE TO READ THE LETTERS, BUT

YOU OBVIOUSLY WERE PHYSICALLY
ABLE TO READ THE LETTERS, BUT
YOUR MIND WAS TOO FEEBLE TO

ABLE TO READ THE LETTERS, BUT
YOUR MIND WAS TOO FEEBLE TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYONE ELSE

YOUR MIND WAS TOO FEEBLE TO
UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYONE ELSE
HAS NO PROBLEM UNDERSTANDING!

UNDERSTAND WHAT EVERYONE ELSE
HAS NO PROBLEM UNDERSTANDING!
[Normal voice] YOU HAVE NO

HAS NO PROBLEM UNDERSTANDING!
[Normal voice] YOU HAVE NO
BUSINESS BEING ON A NEWS SHOW,

[Normal voice] YOU HAVE NO
BUSINESS BEING ON A NEWS SHOW,
EMILY, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE

BUSINESS BEING ON A NEWS SHOW,
EMILY, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE
INVITED BACK.

EMILY, AND YOU WILL NEVER BE
INVITED BACK.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD

INVITED BACK.
WELL, I UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD
YOU'RE SAYING, MISS CLAYTON.

WELL, I UNDERSTAND EVERY WORD
YOU'RE SAYING, MISS CLAYTON.
AND I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU

YOU'RE SAYING, MISS CLAYTON.
AND I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU
AGAIN.

AND I WILL NEVER BOTHER YOU
AGAIN.
SEE THAT YOU DON'T.

AGAIN.
SEE THAT YOU DON'T.
BITCH.

UGANDAN LEADER IDI AMIN
QUIETLY SLIPPED INTO NEW YORK
THIS WEEK AND VISITED ALLEGED

QUIETLY SLIPPED INTO NEW YORK
THIS WEEK AND VISITED ALLEGED
SON OF SAM KILLER

THIS WEEK AND VISITED ALLEGED
SON OF SAM KILLER
DAVID BERKOWITZ.

SON OF SAM KILLER
DAVID BERKOWITZ.
THE TWO MEN DISCUSSED MUTUAL

DAVID BERKOWITZ.
THE TWO MEN DISCUSSED MUTUAL
INTERESTS.

THE TWO MEN DISCUSSED MUTUAL
INTERESTS.
AND ON DEPARTING, AMIN REMARKED,

INTERESTS.
AND ON DEPARTING, AMIN REMARKED,
"HE'S MY KIND OF GUY."

AND ON DEPARTING, AMIN REMARKED,
"HE'S MY KIND OF GUY."
WELL, 1977 WAS A WONDERFUL

"HE'S MY KIND OF GUY."
WELL, 1977 WAS A WONDERFUL
YEAR.

WELL, 1977 WAS A WONDERFUL
YEAR.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT WAS

YEAR.
BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT WAS
INEVITABLE THAT WE HAD TO SAY

BUT UNFORTUNATELY IT WAS
INEVITABLE THAT WE HAD TO SAY
GOODBYE TO PEOPLE WHO WERE NEAR

INEVITABLE THAT WE HAD TO SAY
GOODBYE TO PEOPLE WHO WERE NEAR
AND DEAR TO ALL OF US.

GOODBYE TO PEOPLE WHO WERE NEAR
AND DEAR TO ALL OF US.
EVERYONE FROM GROUCHO TO ELVIS

AND DEAR TO ALL OF US.
EVERYONE FROM GROUCHO TO ELVIS
TO BING TO

EVERYONE FROM GROUCHO TO ELVIS
TO BING TO
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,

TO BING TO
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO'S STILL DEAD AFTER THREE

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO,
WHO'S STILL DEAD AFTER THREE
YEARS.

WHO'S STILL DEAD AFTER THREE
YEARS.
BUT THIS HOLIDAY SEASON IS A BIT

YEARS.
BUT THIS HOLIDAY SEASON IS A BIT
SADDER FOR US WITH THE LOSS OF

BUT THIS HOLIDAY SEASON IS A BIT
SADDER FOR US WITH THE LOSS OF
GUY LOMBARDO, WHO PASSED AWAY

SADDER FOR US WITH THE LOSS OF
GUY LOMBARDO, WHO PASSED AWAY
LAST MONTH.

GUY LOMBARDO, WHO PASSED AWAY
LAST MONTH.
TO TOO MANY, GUY LOMBARDO WAS

LAST MONTH.
TO TOO MANY, GUY LOMBARDO WAS
NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND HE WILL BE

TO TOO MANY, GUY LOMBARDO WAS
NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND HE WILL BE
SORELY MISSED.

NEW YEAR'S EVE, AND HE WILL BE
SORELY MISSED.
YES, THE MAN WHO ONCE BOASTED

SORELY MISSED.
YES, THE MAN WHO ONCE BOASTED
THAT, WHEN HE DIED, WAS GOING TO

YES, THE MAN WHO ONCE BOASTED
THAT, WHEN HE DIED, WAS GOING TO
TAKE NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH HIM,

THAT, WHEN HE DIED, WAS GOING TO
TAKE NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH HIM,
AND INDEED HE DID.

TAKE NEW YEAR'S EVE WITH HIM,
AND INDEED HE DID.
AS WE RING OUT THE OLD AND RING

AND INDEED HE DID.
AS WE RING OUT THE OLD AND RING
IN THE NEW BAND LEADER FOR THIS

AS WE RING OUT THE OLD AND RING
IN THE NEW BAND LEADER FOR THIS
NEW YEAR'S, GONE BUT NOT

IN THE NEW BAND LEADER FOR THIS
NEW YEAR'S, GONE BUT NOT
FORGOTTEN, BAND LEADER

NEW YEAR'S, GONE BUT NOT
FORGOTTEN, BAND LEADER
GUY LOMBARDO.

FORGOTTEN, BAND LEADER
GUY LOMBARDO.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

GUY LOMBARDO.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

THAT'S THE NEWS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
HAPPY NEW YEAR.
["AULD LANG SYNE" PLAYS]

YEAH, AND THAT'S HEMLOCK'S,
OKAY?
YOU CALLED FOR US, CAPTAIN?

OKAY?
YOU CALLED FOR US, CAPTAIN?
YOU KNOW IT'S OUR DAY OFF.

YOU CALLED FOR US, CAPTAIN?
YOU KNOW IT'S OUR DAY OFF.
I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO HAVE TO

YOU KNOW IT'S OUR DAY OFF.
I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO HAVE TO
DO THIS TO YOU, BOYS, BUT

I'M SORRY TO HAVE TO HAVE TO
DO THIS TO YOU, BOYS, BUT
SOMETHING CAME UP THAT ONLY YOU

DO THIS TO YOU, BOYS, BUT
SOMETHING CAME UP THAT ONLY YOU
CAN HANDLE.

SOMETHING CAME UP THAT ONLY YOU
CAN HANDLE.
ANOTHER PIMP PUSHING JUNK TO

CAN HANDLE.
ANOTHER PIMP PUSHING JUNK TO
LITTLE CHILDREN AND RUNAWAYS,

ANOTHER PIMP PUSHING JUNK TO
LITTLE CHILDREN AND RUNAWAYS,
HUH?

LITTLE CHILDREN AND RUNAWAYS,
HUH?
NO, IT'S ANOTHER FREAKED-OUT

HUH?
NO, IT'S ANOTHER FREAKED-OUT
VIETNAM VET WHO'S MADE HIMSELF

NO, IT'S ANOTHER FREAKED-OUT
VIETNAM VET WHO'S MADE HIMSELF
INTO A HUMAN BOMB AND IS

VIETNAM VET WHO'S MADE HIMSELF
INTO A HUMAN BOMB AND IS
THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE

INTO A HUMAN BOMB AND IS
THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE
PACIFIC SUNSHINE NATIONAL BANK.

THREATENING TO BLOW UP THE
PACIFIC SUNSHINE NATIONAL BANK.
[French accent] HE IS

PACIFIC SUNSHINE NATIONAL BANK.
[French accent] HE IS
THREATENING TO DESTROY THE BANK.

[French accent] HE IS
THREATENING TO DESTROY THE BANK.
DESTRUCTION IS THEN TO BE GIVEN

THREATENING TO DESTROY THE BANK.
DESTRUCTION IS THEN TO BE GIVEN
A PLACE AMONG THIS MAN'S

DESTRUCTION IS THEN TO BE GIVEN
A PLACE AMONG THIS MAN'S
APPROPRIATE MODE OF BEHAVIOR.

A PLACE AMONG THIS MAN'S
APPROPRIATE MODE OF BEHAVIOR.
HMM.

APPROPRIATE MODE OF BEHAVIOR.
HMM.
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU,

HMM.
I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU,
JEAN-PAUL.

I KNEW I COULD COUNT ON YOU,
JEAN-PAUL.
YOU'RE THE BEST EXISTENTIAL

JEAN-PAUL.
YOU'RE THE BEST EXISTENTIAL
PHILOSOPHER WE HAVE IN THE

YOU'RE THE BEST EXISTENTIAL
PHILOSOPHER WE HAVE IN THE
DEPARTMENT.

PHILOSOPHER WE HAVE IN THE
DEPARTMENT.
LET'S BREAK BREAD.

DEPARTMENT.
LET'S BREAK BREAD.
ALL RIGHT.

LET'S BREAK BREAD.
ALL RIGHT.
Announcer: TWO COPS WORKING

ALL RIGHT.
Announcer: TWO COPS WORKING
TOGETHER AS A TEAM.

Announcer: TWO COPS WORKING
TOGETHER AS A TEAM.
THE STREET IS THEIR OFFICE.

TOGETHER AS A TEAM.
THE STREET IS THEIR OFFICE.
THEIR BEAT IS THEIR HOME.

ONE'S TOUGH.

THE OTHER'S EXISTENTIAL.

DAN AYKROYD IS JEAN-PAUL.

JOHN BELUSHI IS HUTCH.

TOGETHER, THEY'RE

"SARTRESKY & HUTCH."

TONIGHT'S EPISODE... "NO EXIT."

RECORDS SENT UP WHAT THEY
HAVE ON THIS CHARACTER.
HE'S KNOWN FOR HIS EXPERTISE IN

HAVE ON THIS CHARACTER.
HE'S KNOWN FOR HIS EXPERTISE IN
EXPLOSIVES.

HE'S KNOWN FOR HIS EXPERTISE IN
EXPLOSIVES.
HIS NAME IS RUSTY KRAMER.

EXPLOSIVES.
HIS NAME IS RUSTY KRAMER.
HERE'S HIS MUGS.

HIS NAME IS RUSTY KRAMER.
HERE'S HIS MUGS.
UH, RING A BELL?

HERE'S HIS MUGS.
UH, RING A BELL?
EVEN WHEN A MAN IS WEARING

UH, RING A BELL?
EVEN WHEN A MAN IS WEARING
10 POUNDS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES, A

EVEN WHEN A MAN IS WEARING
10 POUNDS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES, A
MAN IS STILL A MAN.

10 POUNDS OF HIGH EXPLOSIVES, A
MAN IS STILL A MAN.
C'EST L'ABSURDE!

MAN IS STILL A MAN.
C'EST L'ABSURDE!
CAPTAIN, I KNOW THIS MAN!

C'EST L'ABSURDE!
CAPTAIN, I KNOW THIS MAN!
WE GREW UP TOGETHER.

CAPTAIN, I KNOW THIS MAN!
WE GREW UP TOGETHER.
WE WERE CHILDHOOD PALS.

WE GREW UP TOGETHER.
WE WERE CHILDHOOD PALS.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMMA,

WE WERE CHILDHOOD PALS.
I UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMMA,
HUTCH, BUT HE'S A CRIMINAL.

I UNDERSTAND YOUR DILEMMA,
HUTCH, BUT HE'S A CRIMINAL.
HE'S HOLDING INNOCENT PEOPLE

HUTCH, BUT HE'S A CRIMINAL.
HE'S HOLDING INNOCENT PEOPLE
HOSTAGE.

HE'S HOLDING INNOCENT PEOPLE
HOSTAGE.
OH, RUSTY, RUSTY, RUSTY!

HOSTAGE.
OH, RUSTY, RUSTY, RUSTY!
WHY DID YOU DO IT?!

OH, RUSTY, RUSTY, RUSTY!
WHY DID YOU DO IT?!
WHY DOES ANY MAN DO WHAT HE

WHY DID YOU DO IT?!
WHY DOES ANY MAN DO WHAT HE
DOES?

WHY DOES ANY MAN DO WHAT HE
DOES?
ALL OF US ARE SHARING IN THE

DOES?
ALL OF US ARE SHARING IN THE
SAME HUMAN REALITY.

ALL OF US ARE SHARING IN THE
SAME HUMAN REALITY.
AND IF HUMAN REALITY IS ACTION,

SAME HUMAN REALITY.
AND IF HUMAN REALITY IS ACTION,
THAT MEANS THAT DETERMINATION IS

AND IF HUMAN REALITY IS ACTION,
THAT MEANS THAT DETERMINATION IS
IN ITSELF AN ACTION, WHICH

THAT MEANS THAT DETERMINATION IS
IN ITSELF AN ACTION, WHICH
REDUCES THE ACTION TO A STATE OF

IN ITSELF AN ACTION, WHICH
REDUCES THE ACTION TO A STATE OF
DOING.

REDUCES THE ACTION TO A STATE OF
DOING.
LOOK, HUTCH, IF YOU'D LIKE ME

DOING.
LOOK, HUTCH, IF YOU'D LIKE ME
TO ASSIGN SOMEONE ELSE TO THE

LOOK, HUTCH, IF YOU'D LIKE ME
TO ASSIGN SOMEONE ELSE TO THE
CASE...

TO ASSIGN SOMEONE ELSE TO THE
CASE...
NO, CAPTAIN.

CASE...
NO, CAPTAIN.
I'M A COP.

NO, CAPTAIN.
I'M A COP.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE, PARTNER.

I'M A COP.
AND A DAMN GOOD ONE, PARTNER.
I DON'T THINK IT'LL BE EASY.

AND A DAMN GOOD ONE, PARTNER.
I DON'T THINK IT'LL BE EASY.
BUT I THINK WE CAN SAVE RUSTY

I DON'T THINK IT'LL BE EASY.
BUT I THINK WE CAN SAVE RUSTY
AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE.

BUT I THINK WE CAN SAVE RUSTY
AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
WE NEED MORE INFORMATION.

AND ALL THOSE PEOPLE.
WE NEED MORE INFORMATION.
WE'VE GOT TO SPEAK TO TANYA.

WE NEED MORE INFORMATION.
WE'VE GOT TO SPEAK TO TANYA.
I WANT TO TAKE RUSTY ALIVE.

WE'VE GOT TO SPEAK TO TANYA.
I WANT TO TAKE RUSTY ALIVE.
ALIVE OR DEAD, CAN

I WANT TO TAKE RUSTY ALIVE.
ALIVE OR DEAD, CAN
CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST WITHOUT

ALIVE OR DEAD, CAN
CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST WITHOUT
BEING?

CONSCIOUSNESS EXIST WITHOUT
BEING?
I DON'T KNOW.

BEING?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET'S ROLL, HUTCH.

SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO
DO?
WELL, UH...

DO?
WELL, UH...
[CLEARS THROAT]

WELL, UH...
[CLEARS THROAT]
HOW MUCH IS IT?

[CLEARS THROAT]
HOW MUCH IS IT?
WELL, IT'S $20 FOR ME AND $10

HOW MUCH IS IT?
WELL, IT'S $20 FOR ME AND $10
FOR THE ROOM.

WELL, IT'S $20 FOR ME AND $10
FOR THE ROOM.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE THE ROOM.

FOR THE ROOM.
OKAY, I'LL TAKE THE ROOM.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

OKAY, I'LL TAKE THE ROOM.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HI, TANYA.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
HI, TANYA.
HI, HUTCH. HI, J.P.

HI, TANYA.
HI, HUTCH. HI, J.P.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?

HI, HUTCH. HI, J.P.
WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
TANYA, CAN YOU TELL US HOW TO

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU?
TANYA, CAN YOU TELL US HOW TO
GET TO THE PACIFIC SUNSHINE

TANYA, CAN YOU TELL US HOW TO
GET TO THE PACIFIC SUNSHINE
NATIONAL BANK?

GET TO THE PACIFIC SUNSHINE
NATIONAL BANK?
WE'RE IN A HURRY.

NATIONAL BANK?
WE'RE IN A HURRY.
WELL, YEAH.

WE'RE IN A HURRY.
WELL, YEAH.
IT'S ON THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND

WELL, YEAH.
IT'S ON THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND
LA BREA, RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET

IT'S ON THE CORNER OF SUNSET AND
LA BREA, RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET
FROM YOUR OFFICE.

LA BREA, RIGHT ACROSS THE STREET
FROM YOUR OFFICE.
OUR OFFICE?

FROM YOUR OFFICE.
OUR OFFICE?
C'EST L'ABSURDE!

OUR OFFICE?
C'EST L'ABSURDE!
WE MUST RETRACE OUR STEPS,

C'EST L'ABSURDE!
WE MUST RETRACE OUR STEPS,
HUTCH!

WE MUST RETRACE OUR STEPS,
HUTCH!
MIGHT AS WELL.

HUTCH!
MIGHT AS WELL.
BUT ONE QUESTION, JEAN-PAUL.

MIGHT AS WELL.
BUT ONE QUESTION, JEAN-PAUL.
YES, HUTCH?

BUT ONE QUESTION, JEAN-PAUL.
YES, HUTCH?
HOW ARE WE GONNA SAVE ALL

YES, HUTCH?
HOW ARE WE GONNA SAVE ALL
THOSE PEOPLE AND GET RUSTY OUT

HOW ARE WE GONNA SAVE ALL
THOSE PEOPLE AND GET RUSTY OUT
OF THERE ALIVE?

THOSE PEOPLE AND GET RUSTY OUT
OF THERE ALIVE?
WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.

OF THERE ALIVE?
WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
RUSTY IS DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S

WE HAVE TO BE CAREFUL.
RUSTY IS DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S
IN A STATE OF NEED, YOU SEE.

RUSTY IS DESPERATE BECAUSE HE'S
IN A STATE OF NEED, YOU SEE.
AND SCARCITY OR NEED ARE HUMAN

IN A STATE OF NEED, YOU SEE.
AND SCARCITY OR NEED ARE HUMAN
CONDITIONS THAT OFTEN RESULT IN

AND SCARCITY OR NEED ARE HUMAN
CONDITIONS THAT OFTEN RESULT IN
VIOLENCE.

CONDITIONS THAT OFTEN RESULT IN
VIOLENCE.
VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN MEDIATIONS

VIOLENCE.
VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN MEDIATIONS
AND CONCILIATIONS ARE EXHAUSTED.

VIOLENCE OCCURS WHEN MEDIATIONS
AND CONCILIATIONS ARE EXHAUSTED.
RUSTY IS A BOYHOOD FRIEND OF

AND CONCILIATIONS ARE EXHAUSTED.
RUSTY IS A BOYHOOD FRIEND OF
HUTCH.

RUSTY IS A BOYHOOD FRIEND OF
HUTCH.
HUTCH THEREFORE CAN COMMAND

HUTCH.
HUTCH THEREFORE CAN COMMAND
RUSTY'S TRUST WHILE I,

HUTCH THEREFORE CAN COMMAND
RUSTY'S TRUST WHILE I,
JEAN-PAUL, SNEAK AROUND THE BACK

RUSTY'S TRUST WHILE I,
JEAN-PAUL, SNEAK AROUND THE BACK
AND BLOW HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF.

JEAN-PAUL, SNEAK AROUND THE BACK
AND BLOW HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF.
NO CAN DO, J.P.

AND BLOW HIS FREAKING HEAD OFF.
NO CAN DO, J.P.
HE'S AN OLD BUDDY.

NO CAN DO, J.P.
HE'S AN OLD BUDDY.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TALK HIM OUT

HE'S AN OLD BUDDY.
I'M GONNA HAVE TO TALK HIM OUT
OF THERE.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO TALK HIM OUT
OF THERE.
IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION,

OF THERE.
IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION,
HUTCH.

IT'S JUST A SUGGESTION,
HUTCH.
LET'S GO.

HUTCH.
LET'S GO.
LET'S GO!

OKAY.
NOW, DON'T ANYONE GET CUTE.
I GOT ENOUGH FIREPOWER HERE TO

NOW, DON'T ANYONE GET CUTE.
I GOT ENOUGH FIREPOWER HERE TO
PUT THIS BANK IN ANOTHER CITY.

I GOT ENOUGH FIREPOWER HERE TO
PUT THIS BANK IN ANOTHER CITY.
HI, RUSTY.

PUT THIS BANK IN ANOTHER CITY.
HI, RUSTY.
HUTCH.

HI, RUSTY.
HUTCH.
HEY, RUSTY, LET'S TALK SENSE

HUTCH.
HEY, RUSTY, LET'S TALK SENSE
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.

HEY, RUSTY, LET'S TALK SENSE
FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.
SORRY, BUT YOU'RE A COP NOW.

FOR OLD TIME'S SAKE.
SORRY, BUT YOU'RE A COP NOW.
AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR

SORRY, BUT YOU'RE A COP NOW.
AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
SENTIMENT, OLD BUDDY.

AND THERE'S NO ROOM FOR
SENTIMENT, OLD BUDDY.
WHO'S HE?

SENTIMENT, OLD BUDDY.
WHO'S HE?
HE'S MY PARTNER, JEAN-PAUL.

WHO'S HE?
HE'S MY PARTNER, JEAN-PAUL.
HELLO, RUSTY.

HE'S MY PARTNER, JEAN-PAUL.
HELLO, RUSTY.
RUSTY, WHY?!

HELLO, RUSTY.
RUSTY, WHY?!
WHY?

RUSTY, WHY?!
WHY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY, HUTCH.

WHY?
I'LL TELL YOU WHY, HUTCH.
WHEN YOU WERE IN THE POLICE

I'LL TELL YOU WHY, HUTCH.
WHEN YOU WERE IN THE POLICE
ACADEMY, I WAS IN NAM, FIGHTING

WHEN YOU WERE IN THE POLICE
ACADEMY, I WAS IN NAM, FIGHTING
FOR WHAT I TH... FOR WHAT THEY

ACADEMY, I WAS IN NAM, FIGHTING
FOR WHAT I TH... FOR WHAT THEY
TOLD ME WAS RIGHT.

FOR WHAT I TH... FOR WHAT THEY
TOLD ME WAS RIGHT.
I GAVE THEM FIVE YEARS.

TOLD ME WAS RIGHT.
I GAVE THEM FIVE YEARS.
AND I GOT BACK HERE, WOUNDED,

I GAVE THEM FIVE YEARS.
AND I GOT BACK HERE, WOUNDED,
SHELL-SHOCKED, AND DEFEATED.

AND I GOT BACK HERE, WOUNDED,
SHELL-SHOCKED, AND DEFEATED.
THEN I MET THIS GIRL.

SHELL-SHOCKED, AND DEFEATED.
THEN I MET THIS GIRL.
GWEN, THIS IS HUTCH.

THEN I MET THIS GIRL.
GWEN, THIS IS HUTCH.
THIS IS MY WIFE AND HOSTAGE,

GWEN, THIS IS HUTCH.
THIS IS MY WIFE AND HOSTAGE,
GWEN KRAMER.

THIS IS MY WIFE AND HOSTAGE,
GWEN KRAMER.
HI, HOW ARE YOU, MA'AM?

GWEN KRAMER.
HI, HOW ARE YOU, MA'AM?
AND MY MOTHER AND HOSTAGE,

HI, HOW ARE YOU, MA'AM?
AND MY MOTHER AND HOSTAGE,
MISKEL KRAMER.

AND MY MOTHER AND HOSTAGE,
MISKEL KRAMER.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, J.P.?

MISKEL KRAMER.
WHAT'S HAPPENING, J.P.?
NOT TOO MUCH.

WHAT'S HAPPENING, J.P.?
NOT TOO MUCH.
I WANTED TO START OVER.

NOT TOO MUCH.
I WANTED TO START OVER.
SO I CAME INTO THIS BANK AS A

I WANTED TO START OVER.
SO I CAME INTO THIS BANK AS A
G.I. WHO'D SERVED HIS COUNTRY.

SO I CAME INTO THIS BANK AS A
G.I. WHO'D SERVED HIS COUNTRY.
ALL I WANTED WAS A LOAN.

G.I. WHO'D SERVED HIS COUNTRY.
ALL I WANTED WAS A LOAN.
BUT THOSE FOOLS SAID I WAS OUT

ALL I WANTED WAS A LOAN.
BUT THOSE FOOLS SAID I WAS OUT
OF MY MIND AND THAT THEY

BUT THOSE FOOLS SAID I WAS OUT
OF MY MIND AND THAT THEY
WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.

OF MY MIND AND THAT THEY
WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY!

WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME.
THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY!
WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO

THEY SAID I WAS CRAZY!
WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO
BUY?

WELL, WHAT DID YOU WANT TO
BUY?
VERMONT!

BUY?
VERMONT!
IT'S SO NICE UP THERE, YOU KNOW.

VERMONT!
IT'S SO NICE UP THERE, YOU KNOW.
RUSTY, I'M YOUR FRIEND.

IT'S SO NICE UP THERE, YOU KNOW.
RUSTY, I'M YOUR FRIEND.
WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME HELP

RUSTY, I'M YOUR FRIEND.
WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME HELP
YOU?!

WOULD YOU PLEASE LET ME HELP
YOU?!
PLEASE, HUTCH, HUTCH, HUTCH!

YOU?!
PLEASE, HUTCH, HUTCH, HUTCH!
LET ME TAKE OVER.

PLEASE, HUTCH, HUTCH, HUTCH!
LET ME TAKE OVER.
RUSTY, ARE YOU AWARE THAT DEATH

LET ME TAKE OVER.
RUSTY, ARE YOU AWARE THAT DEATH
IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMAN

RUSTY, ARE YOU AWARE THAT DEATH
IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMAN
SELF-NEGATION?

IS THE HIGHEST FORM OF HUMAN
SELF-NEGATION?
IN DEATH, THERE IS NO BEING

SELF-NEGATION?
IN DEATH, THERE IS NO BEING
AND NO CONSCIOUSNESS.

IN DEATH, THERE IS NO BEING
AND NO CONSCIOUSNESS.
IN DEATH, THERE IS LIFE'S MOST

AND NO CONSCIOUSNESS.
IN DEATH, THERE IS LIFE'S MOST
BEAUTIFUL ELEMENT.

IN DEATH, THERE IS LIFE'S MOST
BEAUTIFUL ELEMENT.
THERE IS NOTHINGNESS.

BEAUTIFUL ELEMENT.
THERE IS NOTHINGNESS.
C'EST L'ABSURDE!

THERE IS NOTHINGNESS.
C'EST L'ABSURDE!
[LAUGHS]

C'EST L'ABSURDE!
[LAUGHS]
YOU THINK HE'S BLUFFING,

[LAUGHS]
YOU THINK HE'S BLUFFING,
DEAR?

YOU THINK HE'S BLUFFING,
DEAR?
OH, NO.

DEAR?
OH, NO.
I THINK IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.

OH, NO.
I THINK IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE?

I THINK IT SOUNDS WONDERFUL.
CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE?
OF COURSE, RUSTY.

CAN WE HAVE A MOMENT ALONE?
OF COURSE, RUSTY.
JEAN-PAUL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

OF COURSE, RUSTY.
JEAN-PAUL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK. THEREFORE, I AM.

JEAN-PAUL, WHAT DO YOU THINK?
I THINK. THEREFORE, I AM.
HUTCH...

I THINK. THEREFORE, I AM.
HUTCH...
YEAH?

HUTCH...
YEAH?
JEAN-PAUL...

YEAH?
JEAN-PAUL...
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A NEW

JEAN-PAUL...
WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A NEW
START, AND DEATH SOUNDS LIKE THE

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR A NEW
START, AND DEATH SOUNDS LIKE THE
LIFE FOR US.

START, AND DEATH SOUNDS LIKE THE
LIFE FOR US.
THANKS, GUYS.

LIFE FOR US.
THANKS, GUYS.
WHAT?

THANKS, GUYS.
WHAT?
NO!

WHAT?
NO!
RUSTY, NO!

NO!
RUSTY, NO!
NO!

RUSTY, NO!
NO!
[SOBS]

NO!
[SOBS]
OH, NO!

[SOBS]
OH, NO!
IT'S ALL MY FAULT!

OH, NO!
IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
NO, IT WAS NOBODY'S FAULT!

IT'S ALL MY FAULT!
NO, IT WAS NOBODY'S FAULT!
RUSTY HAD A FREE WILL LIKE ANY

NO, IT WAS NOBODY'S FAULT!
RUSTY HAD A FREE WILL LIKE ANY
MAN.

RUSTY HAD A FREE WILL LIKE ANY
MAN.
HE JUST TURNED OUT TO BE A

MAN.
HE JUST TURNED OUT TO BE A
DETERMINIST.

HE JUST TURNED OUT TO BE A
DETERMINIST.
WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?

DETERMINIST.
WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?

WHAT'S IT ALL MEAN?
WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
IT MEANS WE CAN HAVE THE REST

WHAT DOES IT ALL MEAN?
IT MEANS WE CAN HAVE THE REST
OF THE DAY OFF!

IT MEANS WE CAN HAVE THE REST
OF THE DAY OFF!
[CHUCKLES]

OF THE DAY OFF!
[CHUCKLES]
Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK

[CHUCKLES]
Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
FOR ANOTHER ADVENTURE OF

Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
FOR ANOTHER ADVENTURE OF
"SARTRESKY & HUTCH."

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR
"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND

"THE FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.

STARRING AL FRANKEN AND
TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.

TOM DAVIS.
AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND NOW HERE'S AL AND TOM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.

THANK YOU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
INSTEAD OF THE NORMAL

GENTLEMEN.
INSTEAD OF THE NORMAL
"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"

INSTEAD OF THE NORMAL
"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
TONIGHT WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY

"FRANKEN AND DAVIS SHOW,"
TONIGHT WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY
SPECIAL LINED UP.

TONIGHT WE HAVE SOMETHING VERY
SPECIAL LINED UP.
YOU SEE, AL'S REAL PARENTS, JOE

SPECIAL LINED UP.
YOU SEE, AL'S REAL PARENTS, JOE
AND PHOEBE FRANKEN, FLEW ALL THE

YOU SEE, AL'S REAL PARENTS, JOE
AND PHOEBE FRANKEN, FLEW ALL THE
WAY HERE FROM MINNEAPOLIS,

AND PHOEBE FRANKEN, FLEW ALL THE
WAY HERE FROM MINNEAPOLIS,
MINNESOTA, TO BE HERE FOR THE

WAY HERE FROM MINNEAPOLIS,
MINNESOTA, TO BE HERE FOR THE
SHOW BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND

MINNESOTA, TO BE HERE FOR THE
SHOW BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND
BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME LEAN

SHOW BECAUSE IT'S CHRISTMAS, AND
BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME LEAN
YEARS FOR FRANKEN AND DAVIS, AND

BECAUSE THERE WERE SOME LEAN
YEARS FOR FRANKEN AND DAVIS, AND
JOE AND PHOEBE WERE ALWAYS

YEARS FOR FRANKEN AND DAVIS, AND
JOE AND PHOEBE WERE ALWAYS
THERE.

JOE AND PHOEBE WERE ALWAYS
THERE.
TONIGHT, AL WANTS TO PAY A

THERE.
TONIGHT, AL WANTS TO PAY A
SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HIS PARENTS

TONIGHT, AL WANTS TO PAY A
SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HIS PARENTS
BY SINGING TO THEM AN ORIGINAL

SPECIAL TRIBUTE TO HIS PARENTS
BY SINGING TO THEM AN ORIGINAL
SONG THAT HE WROTE IN THEIR

BY SINGING TO THEM AN ORIGINAL
SONG THAT HE WROTE IN THEIR
HONOR FOR THIS VERY OCCASION.

SONG THAT HE WROTE IN THEIR
HONOR FOR THIS VERY OCCASION.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE AND

HONOR FOR THIS VERY OCCASION.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE AND
PHOEBE FRANKEN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, JOE AND
PHOEBE FRANKEN...
AND THEIR SON AL.

PHOEBE FRANKEN...
AND THEIR SON AL.
JOE AND PHOEBE, THIS IS FOR YOU.

AND THEIR SON AL.
JOE AND PHOEBE, THIS IS FOR YOU.
♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪

JOE AND PHOEBE, THIS IS FOR YOU.
♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪
♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪

♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪
♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪
♪ IT WAS YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY

♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪
♪ IT WAS YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY
THAT SAW ME THROUGH ♪

♪ IT WAS YOUR HARD-EARNED MONEY
THAT SAW ME THROUGH ♪
♪ AND NO MATTER HOW FAR I GO ♪

THAT SAW ME THROUGH ♪
♪ AND NO MATTER HOW FAR I GO ♪
♪ I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU ♪

♪ AND NO MATTER HOW FAR I GO ♪
♪ I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS IS YOUR

♪ I COULD NEVER FORGET YOU ♪
♪ I HOPE THAT THIS IS YOUR
FONDEST DREAM ♪

♪ I HOPE THAT THIS IS YOUR
FONDEST DREAM ♪
♪ COME TRUE ♪

FONDEST DREAM ♪
♪ COME TRUE ♪
♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪

♪ COME TRUE ♪
♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪
♪ I LOVE... ♪

♪ HEY, MOM AND DAD ♪
♪ I LOVE... ♪
♪ You ♪

♪ I LOVE... ♪
♪ You ♪
Hey, thanks.

♪ You ♪
Hey, thanks.
THANKS, MOM AND DAD.

Hey, thanks.
THANKS, MOM AND DAD.
YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT PARENTS.

THANKS, MOM AND DAD.
YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT PARENTS.
THANK YOU.

YOU HAVE BEEN GREAT PARENTS.
THANK YOU.
MOM AND DAD, I'VE BROUGHT EACH

THANK YOU.
MOM AND DAD, I'VE BROUGHT EACH
OF YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT... AN

MOM AND DAD, I'VE BROUGHT EACH
OF YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT... AN
AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF MYSELF.

OF YOU A CHRISTMAS PRESENT... AN
AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF MYSELF.
OH.

AUTOGRAPHED PICTURE OF MYSELF.
OH.
AND YOU'LL SEE LATER THAT THE

OH.
AND YOU'LL SEE LATER THAT THE
INSCRIPTION IS "TO MY BIGGEST

AND YOU'LL SEE LATER THAT THE
INSCRIPTION IS "TO MY BIGGEST
FANS, LOVE AL."

INSCRIPTION IS "TO MY BIGGEST
FANS, LOVE AL."
OH, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU,

FANS, LOVE AL."
OH, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU,
ALAN.

OH, THAT'S SO NICE OF YOU,
ALAN.
THANKS, MOM.

ALAN.
THANKS, MOM.
WELL, GEE, MOM, DAD, HOW DO YOU

THANKS, MOM.
WELL, GEE, MOM, DAD, HOW DO YOU
FEEL?

WELL, GEE, MOM, DAD, HOW DO YOU
FEEL?
DAD?

FEEL?
DAD?
WELL, SON, I'M VERY EXCITED

DAD?
WELL, SON, I'M VERY EXCITED
FOR YOU.

WELL, SON, I'M VERY EXCITED
FOR YOU.
THANK YOU, DAD.

FOR YOU.
THANK YOU, DAD.
MOM, ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?

THANK YOU, DAD.
MOM, ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?
OH, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO NERVOUS

MOM, ARE YOU A LITTLE NERVOUS?
OH, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO NERVOUS
SINCE THE TIME YOU WERE 12 YEARS

OH, I HAVEN'T BEEN SO NERVOUS
SINCE THE TIME YOU WERE 12 YEARS
OLD AND THEY CALLED ME UP FROM

SINCE THE TIME YOU WERE 12 YEARS
OLD AND THEY CALLED ME UP FROM
SCHOOL TO SAY THAT YOU'D WET

OLD AND THEY CALLED ME UP FROM
SCHOOL TO SAY THAT YOU'D WET
YOUR PANTS.

SCHOOL TO SAY THAT YOU'D WET
YOUR PANTS.
DAMN IT, MOM!

YOUR PANTS.
DAMN IT, MOM!
I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TELL THAT

DAMN IT, MOM!
I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TELL THAT
STORY!

I TOLD YOU NEVER TO TELL THAT
STORY!
ALAN, DON'T YELL AT YOUR

STORY!
ALAN, DON'T YELL AT YOUR
MOTHER.

ALAN, DON'T YELL AT YOUR
MOTHER.
OH, SHUT UP!

MOTHER.
OH, SHUT UP!
ALAN, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO

OH, SHUT UP!
ALAN, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO
YOU?

ALAN, WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO
YOU?
LISTEN, WHEN WILL YOU TWO

YOU?
LISTEN, WHEN WILL YOU TWO
LEARN THAT I'VE GROWN UP, OKAY?

LISTEN, WHEN WILL YOU TWO
LEARN THAT I'VE GROWN UP, OKAY?
J-JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL

LEARN THAT I'VE GROWN UP, OKAY?
J-JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL
RIGHT?!

J-JUST LEAVE ME ALONE, ALL
RIGHT?!
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?

RIGHT?!
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING OF?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
TOM, STAY OUT OF THIS!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?
TOM, STAY OUT OF THIS!
YOU'RE MY BUSINESS PARTNER.

TOM, STAY OUT OF THIS!
YOU'RE MY BUSINESS PARTNER.
STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE,

YOU'RE MY BUSINESS PARTNER.
STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE,
OKAY?

STAY OUT OF MY PERSONAL LIFE,
OKAY?
[CRIES]

OKAY?
[CRIES]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M

[CRIES]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
VERY SORRY THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'M
VERY SORRY THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM!

VERY SORRY THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM!
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM, OKAY?!

DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM!
DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM, OKAY?!
AH, NUTS!

DON'T APOLOGIZE TO THEM, OKAY?!
AH, NUTS!
THROW AWAY YOUR CAREER ON

AH, NUTS!
THROW AWAY YOUR CAREER ON
NATIONAL TV!

THROW AWAY YOUR CAREER ON
NATIONAL TV!
I'LL GO BACKSTAGE!

NATIONAL TV!
I'LL GO BACKSTAGE!
WHERE DID I GO WRONG, JOE?!

I'LL GO BACKSTAGE!
WHERE DID I GO WRONG, JOE?!
OH, HE'S JUST GOT A SWELLED

WHERE DID I GO WRONG, JOE?!
OH, HE'S JUST GOT A SWELLED
HEAD SINCE HE CAME TO NEW YORK.

OH, HE'S JUST GOT A SWELLED
HEAD SINCE HE CAME TO NEW YORK.
THAT'S ALL.

HEAD SINCE HE CAME TO NEW YORK.
THAT'S ALL.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WAS A BIG

THAT'S ALL.
YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WAS A BIG
MISTAKE TO BRING YOU TWO OUT

YOU KNOW, I KNEW IT WAS A BIG
MISTAKE TO BRING YOU TWO OUT
HERE.

MISTAKE TO BRING YOU TWO OUT
HERE.
COME ON, GET OFF!

HERE.
COME ON, GET OFF!
GET OUT! GET OFF THE STAGE!

COME ON, GET OFF!
GET OUT! GET OFF THE STAGE!
COME ON, MOM!

GET OUT! GET OFF THE STAGE!
COME ON, MOM!
COME ON! YOU, TOO, DAD!

COME ON, MOM!
COME ON! YOU, TOO, DAD!
COME ON!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I, UH...
I REALIZE THIS MAKES ME LOOK
BAD.

I REALIZE THIS MAKES ME LOOK
BAD.
BUT I GUESS THAT'S SHOW

BAD.
BUT I GUESS THAT'S SHOW
BUSINESS.

BUT I GUESS THAT'S SHOW
BUSINESS.
I DON'T KNOW.

BUSINESS.
I DON'T KNOW.
SORRY.

I DON'T KNOW.
SORRY.
Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!

SORRY.
Both: GOOD NIGHT, EVERYBODY!
GOOD NIGHT!

Announcer: AND NOW

PUBLIC-ACCESS CABLE-TELEVISION

CHANNEL "D" PRESENTS...

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO
PUBLIC-ACCESS CABLE CHANNEL "D."
THIS IS "ART CLASSICS."

PUBLIC-ACCESS CABLE CHANNEL "D."
THIS IS "ART CLASSICS."
I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER,

THIS IS "ART CLASSICS."
I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER,
AND OUR LOVELY GUEST TO MY LEFT

I'M YOUR HOST, E. BUZZ MILLER,
AND OUR LOVELY GUEST TO MY LEFT
HERE IS MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA,

AND OUR LOVELY GUEST TO MY LEFT
HERE IS MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA,
AND SHE'S OPENING AT THE

HERE IS MISS CHRISTY CHRISTINA,
AND SHE'S OPENING AT THE
COACH & PULL BAR TOMORROW NIGHT.

AND SHE'S OPENING AT THE
COACH & PULL BAR TOMORROW NIGHT.
BUT ENOUGH TALK.

COACH & PULL BAR TOMORROW NIGHT.
BUT ENOUGH TALK.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO TONIGHT'S ART

BUT ENOUGH TALK.
LET'S GET RIGHT TO TONIGHT'S ART
CLASSICS.

NOW, THE FIRST ONE HERE IS

CALLED THE "VENUS OF URBIZO."

OR I'M SORRY. THAT'S "URBINO."

AND IT WAS PAINTED IN 1538 BY A

GUY IN VENICE.

AND THIS IS FOR REAL, HIS NAME

IS SPELLED T-I-T-I-A-N.

TIT-I-AN! HONEST TO GOD!

[GIGGLING]

[LAUGHS]

HE'S A VERY FAMOUS, RESPECTED

ARTIST, AND THIS IS A BONA FIDE

ART TREASURE.

AND I DON'T THINK ANYBODY COULD

DISAGREE THAT THIS IS A REALLY

NICE PAINTING OF A BROAD ON A

COUCH.

HOW ABOUT YOU, CHRISTY?

YOU'RE AN ARTIST.

WELL, I'M AN ARTIST AND AN

ENTERTAINER.

YEAH, RIGHT.

[GIGGLES]

BUT I THINK SHE'S VERY HEAVY.

WELL, OF COURSE, BACK THEN,

THAT'S THE WAY THEY LIKED THEM,

YOU KNOW.

OH.

OKAY, HERE'S ANOTHER ONE,

PAINTED BY THE SAME GUY...

TIT-I-AN.

HE PAINTED THESE BROADS IN 1555,

SO IT'S A CLASSIC.

AS YOU CAN SEE, HE WAS A MASTER

OF LIGHT, COLOR, AND SHAPES.

AND, UH, WE BLEW UP THIS PICTURE

HERE FOR A LITTLE MORE DETAIL.

WHAT DO I SEE THERE, CHRISTY?

I SEE SOMETHING THERE.

DO YOU SEE SOMETHING THERE?

YES, I DO!

RIGHT THERE! YOU SEE?

[GIGGLES]

HE DIDN'T LEAVE A THING OUT,

DID HE!

NO!

[GIGGLES]

OKAY, MOVING ON TO THE 17th,

18th CENTURY... I'M NOT SURE.

UH, THIS IS BY A FRENCH GUY

CALLED WATTEAU.

IT'S CALLED "LOVE DISARMED."

IT WAS PAINTED IN THE 17th OR

18th CENTURY.

WHO CARES?!

IT'S A TIMELESS ART CLASSIC!

YOU KNOW, LEGITIMATE ART

SCHOLAR!

YOU PAY A FORTUNE FOR IT IN A

MUSEUM, YOU KNOW?

NOW, THESE FRENCH, THEY STARTED

EARLY.

JUST LOOK AT THAT LITTLE GUY

THERE.

[GIGGLES]

HE LOOKS LIKE QUITE AN

OPERATOR!

LOOKS LIKE HE... LOOKS LIKE HE

KNOWS WHAT HE'S DOING!

WHAT DO YOU THINK HE'S DOING

THERE, CHRISTY?

I DON'T KNOW.

[GIGGLES]

I'LL BET YOU DON'T.

[LAUGHS]

OKAY, A COUPLE OF QUICKIES.

THIS ONE HERE IS AN

IMPRESSIONISTIC PIECE.

THIS IS BY "MANETTE" OR MANET,

AN IMPRESSIONIST, A FRENCH GUY.

AND THIS IS A VERY FAMOUS

PAINTING... ART CLASSIC...

CALLED "LE DéJEUNER SUR

L'HERBE."

WHICH MEANS "PICNIC IN THE

WOODS."

NOW, IF YOU LOOK CLOSE, THESE

TWO GUYS HERE ARE HAVING LUNCH.

AND THIS BROAD HASN'T GOT A

STITCH ON!

BON APPéTIT, BOYS!

OKAY.

NOW, THIS... THIS IS KIND OF

CRAZY.

THIS IS A FUTURIST SURREALIST

PAINTING BY ANOTHER FRENCH GUY,

MAGRITTE.

HE DID THIS IN 1947, AND I-I

DON'T KNOW WHY I LIKE THIS ONE

SO MUCH.

IT'S KIND OF CRAZY.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CHRISTY?

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE SOMETHING

YOU'D BUY IN A NOVELTY STORE.

WHERE THE HECK DID YOU GET

THAT?

OH, YEAH, LIKE ONE OF THEM

PLASTIC THINGS HANGING UP ON...

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, I SEE THAT! YEAH!

WELL, WE'VE JUST ABOUT RUN OUT
OF TIME.
COMING UP NEXT ON PUBLIC-ACCESS

OF TIME.
COMING UP NEXT ON PUBLIC-ACCESS
CHANNEL "D"...

COMING UP NEXT ON PUBLIC-ACCESS
CHANNEL "D"...
"FATHER TIM McCARTHY'S PAUSE FOR

CHANNEL "D"...
"FATHER TIM McCARTHY'S PAUSE FOR
THOUGHT."

"FATHER TIM McCARTHY'S PAUSE FOR
THOUGHT."
SO, YOU'LL WANT TO WATCH THAT,

THOUGHT."
SO, YOU'LL WANT TO WATCH THAT,
OKAY?

SO, YOU'LL WANT TO WATCH THAT,
OKAY?
AND, UH, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT NOW

OKAY?
AND, UH, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT NOW
WITH MY PERSONAL LITTLE STATUE

AND, UH, WE'RE GONNA GO OUT NOW
WITH MY PERSONAL LITTLE STATUE
HERE... "THE VENUS DE MILO"...

WITH MY PERSONAL LITTLE STATUE
HERE... "THE VENUS DE MILO"...
A VERY FAMOUS SCULPTURE THAT'S

HERE... "THE VENUS DE MILO"...
A VERY FAMOUS SCULPTURE THAT'S
HAD ITS ARMS MISSING FOR

A VERY FAMOUS SCULPTURE THAT'S
HAD ITS ARMS MISSING FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BUT NOBODY

HAD ITS ARMS MISSING FOR
THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BUT NOBODY
SEEMS TO MIND.

THOUSANDS OF YEARS, BUT NOBODY
SEEMS TO MIND.
I KNOW I DON'T.

SEEMS TO MIND.
I KNOW I DON'T.
[LAUGHS]

I KNOW I DON'T.
[LAUGHS]
THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER AND

[LAUGHS]
THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER AND
CHRISTY SAYING GOOD NIGHT!

THIS IS E. BUZZ MILLER AND
CHRISTY SAYING GOOD NIGHT!
GOODBYE!

CHRISTY SAYING GOOD NIGHT!
GOODBYE!
[GIGGLES]

GOODBYE!
[GIGGLES]
SHE'S A SWEETHEART.

OH, THANKS, HONEY.
IT'S GOING TO BE SO NICE
HAVING JEFFY HOME FROM COLLEGE.

IT'S GOING TO BE SO NICE
HAVING JEFFY HOME FROM COLLEGE.
OH, AND I'M DYING TO MEET HIS

HAVING JEFFY HOME FROM COLLEGE.
OH, AND I'M DYING TO MEET HIS
GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?

OH, AND I'M DYING TO MEET HIS
GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?
I KNOW.

GIRLFRIEND, AREN'T YOU?
I KNOW.
HE'S NEVER REALLY BEEN SERIOUS

I KNOW.
HE'S NEVER REALLY BEEN SERIOUS
ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE.

HE'S NEVER REALLY BEEN SERIOUS
ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE.
IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW, I NEVER

ABOUT A GIRL BEFORE.
IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW, I NEVER
REALLY DISCUSSED THE SUBJECT OF

IT'S FUNNY, YOU KNOW, I NEVER
REALLY DISCUSSED THE SUBJECT OF
SEX WITH HIM EVER.

REALLY DISCUSSED THE SUBJECT OF
SEX WITH HIM EVER.
AND NOW HE'S LIKE A MARRIED MAN.

SEX WITH HIM EVER.
AND NOW HE'S LIKE A MARRIED MAN.
WELL, YOUR SON GOES TO

AND NOW HE'S LIKE A MARRIED MAN.
WELL, YOUR SON GOES TO
COLLEGE, LEAVES HOME, HE'S BOUND

WELL, YOUR SON GOES TO
COLLEGE, LEAVES HOME, HE'S BOUND
TO GROW UP.

COLLEGE, LEAVES HOME, HE'S BOUND
TO GROW UP.
THINGS SURE HAVE CHANGED

TO GROW UP.
THINGS SURE HAVE CHANGED
SINCE I WAS A KID!

THINGS SURE HAVE CHANGED
SINCE I WAS A KID!
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]

SINCE I WAS A KID!
[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
THAT'S JEFF'S VOLKSWAGEN VAN!

[VEHICLE APPROACHES]
THAT'S JEFF'S VOLKSWAGEN VAN!
I KNOW IT!

THAT'S JEFF'S VOLKSWAGEN VAN!
I KNOW IT!
[CHUCKLES]

I KNOW IT!
[CHUCKLES]
I HOPE HE'S STILL DOING HIS OWN

[CHUCKLES]
I HOPE HE'S STILL DOING HIS OWN
TUNE-UPS.

I HOPE HE'S STILL DOING HIS OWN
TUNE-UPS.
HI, DAD!

TUNE-UPS.
HI, DAD!
WELCOME HOME!

HI, DAD!
WELCOME HOME!
HI, MOM!

WELCOME HOME!
HI, MOM!
I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY STUFF

HI, MOM!
I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY STUFF
HERE.

I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY STUFF
HERE.
I GOT TO GO HELP SHARON WITH THE

HERE.
I GOT TO GO HELP SHARON WITH THE
REST OF MY STUFF!

I GOT TO GO HELP SHARON WITH THE
REST OF MY STUFF!
I'M DYING FOR YOU TO MEET HER!

REST OF MY STUFF!
I'M DYING FOR YOU TO MEET HER!
COME ON IN, IT'S COLD OUT

I'M DYING FOR YOU TO MEET HER!
COME ON IN, IT'S COLD OUT
THERE!

COME ON IN, IT'S COLD OUT
THERE!
COME ON IN, SHARON.

SHARON, UH, THIS IS MY MOM AND
DAD.
WELL, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH

DAD.
WELL, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU.

WELL, I'VE HEARD SO MUCH
ABOUT YOU.
WELL, WE'VE BEEN DYING TO

ABOUT YOU.
WELL, WE'VE BEEN DYING TO
MEET YOU, SHARON.

WELL, WE'VE BEEN DYING TO
MEET YOU, SHARON.
LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.

MEET YOU, SHARON.
LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

LET ME TAKE YOUR COAT.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
I HOPE JEFF HASN'T MADE HIS

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
I HOPE JEFF HASN'T MADE HIS
OLD MAN SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH OF

I HOPE JEFF HASN'T MADE HIS
OLD MAN SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH OF
AN OGRE.

OLD MAN SOUND LIKE TOO MUCH OF
AN OGRE.
OH, HE REALLY LOOKS UP TO

AN OGRE.
OH, HE REALLY LOOKS UP TO
YOU.

OH, HE REALLY LOOKS UP TO
YOU.
YEAH.

YOU.
YEAH.
LOOK, I THOUGHT I'D TAKE OUR

YEAH.
LOOK, I THOUGHT I'D TAKE OUR
STUFF UP TO MY ROOM.

LOOK, I THOUGHT I'D TAKE OUR
STUFF UP TO MY ROOM.
WELL, I THOUGHT SHARON COULD

STUFF UP TO MY ROOM.
WELL, I THOUGHT SHARON COULD
STAY IN YOUR ROOM, AND YOU COULD

WELL, I THOUGHT SHARON COULD
STAY IN YOUR ROOM, AND YOU COULD
SLEEP ON THE FOLD-OUT COUCH.

STAY IN YOUR ROOM, AND YOU COULD
SLEEP ON THE FOLD-OUT COUCH.
AH, COME ON, MOM.

SLEEP ON THE FOLD-OUT COUCH.
AH, COME ON, MOM.
WE'LL SLEEP TOGETHER IN MY OLD

AH, COME ON, MOM.
WE'LL SLEEP TOGETHER IN MY OLD
ROOM.

WE'LL SLEEP TOGETHER IN MY OLD
ROOM.
I MEAN, WE LIVE TOGETHER.

ROOM.
I MEAN, WE LIVE TOGETHER.
WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ANY

I MEAN, WE LIVE TOGETHER.
WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE HERE AT HOME?

WHY SHOULD IT MAKE ANY
DIFFERENCE HERE AT HOME?
JEFF, YOU'RE IN OUR HOUSE

DIFFERENCE HERE AT HOME?
JEFF, YOU'RE IN OUR HOUSE
NOW, AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE UNDER

JEFF, YOU'RE IN OUR HOUSE
NOW, AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE UNDER
OUR ROOF, YOU'LL ABIDE BY OUR

NOW, AND AS LONG AS YOU'RE UNDER
OUR ROOF, YOU'LL ABIDE BY OUR
RULES.

OUR ROOF, YOU'LL ABIDE BY OUR
RULES.
IF YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER

RULES.
IF YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER
AND LIVE TOGETHER, WHY DON'T YOU

IF YOU TWO LOVE EACH OTHER
AND LIVE TOGETHER, WHY DON'T YOU
GET MARRIED?

AND LIVE TOGETHER, WHY DON'T YOU
GET MARRIED?
WELL, I WANTED TO, BUT SHARON

GET MARRIED?
WELL, I WANTED TO, BUT SHARON
THOUGHT IT WOULD PUT TOO MUCH

WELL, I WANTED TO, BUT SHARON
THOUGHT IT WOULD PUT TOO MUCH
PRESSURE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.

THOUGHT IT WOULD PUT TOO MUCH
PRESSURE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.
IT'S NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION,

PRESSURE ON OUR RELATIONSHIP.
IT'S NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION,
BUT NOT JUST YET.

IT'S NOT OUT OF THE QUESTION,
BUT NOT JUST YET.
YEAH.

BUT NOT JUST YET.
YEAH.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU AND JEFF

YEAH.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU AND JEFF
GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE A LITTLE

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU AND JEFF
GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE A LITTLE
TALK?

GO UPSTAIRS AND HAVE A LITTLE
TALK?
AND THAT'LL GIVE ME AND SHARON A

TALK?
AND THAT'LL GIVE ME AND SHARON A
CHANCE TO GET ACQUAINTED.

AND THAT'LL GIVE ME AND SHARON A
CHANCE TO GET ACQUAINTED.
OKAY.

CHANCE TO GET ACQUAINTED.
OKAY.
I'M SORRY MY PARENTS ARE LIKE

OKAY.
I'M SORRY MY PARENTS ARE LIKE
THIS, SHARON.

I'M SORRY MY PARENTS ARE LIKE
THIS, SHARON.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.

THIS, SHARON.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
MY PARENTS ARE LIKE THAT, TOO.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
MY PARENTS ARE LIKE THAT, TOO.
YEAH.

MY PARENTS ARE LIKE THAT, TOO.
YEAH.
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.

YEAH.
LET'S GO UPSTAIRS.
COME ON, SHARON.

NOW, I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE AN
UPPERCLASSMAN AT THE UNIVERSITY?
THAT'S RIGHT.

UPPERCLASSMAN AT THE UNIVERSITY?
THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE MAJORING IN

THAT'S RIGHT.
AND YOU'RE MAJORING IN
THEATER?

AND YOU'RE MAJORING IN
THEATER?
YES, BUT I'M ALSO GOING TO

THEATER?
YES, BUT I'M ALSO GOING TO
TEACH.

YES, BUT I'M ALSO GOING TO
TEACH.
OH, SO YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING

TEACH.
OH, SO YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING
TO...

OH, SO YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING
TO...
SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON!

TO...
SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON!
EXACTLY. EXACTLY.

SOMETHING TO FALL BACK ON!
EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
NOW, I SUPPOSE THAT YOU THINK

EXACTLY. EXACTLY.
NOW, I SUPPOSE THAT YOU THINK
THAT JEFF'S FATHER AND I ARE A

NOW, I SUPPOSE THAT YOU THINK
THAT JEFF'S FATHER AND I ARE A
LITTLE BIT OLD-FASHIONED.

THAT JEFF'S FATHER AND I ARE A
LITTLE BIT OLD-FASHIONED.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.

LITTLE BIT OLD-FASHIONED.
OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I'M A BIT OLD-FASHIONED MYSELF.

OH, THAT'S OKAY.
I'M A BIT OLD-FASHIONED MYSELF.
OH, SHARON, HAVE YOU EVER

I'M A BIT OLD-FASHIONED MYSELF.
OH, SHARON, HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE?

OH, SHARON, HAVE YOU EVER
BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE?
YES. TWICE.

BEEN IN LOVE BEFORE?
YES. TWICE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, AS A MOTHER

YES. TWICE.
WELL, YOU KNOW, AS A MOTHER
SPEAKING, I'M ONLY LOOKING OUT

WELL, YOU KNOW, AS A MOTHER
SPEAKING, I'M ONLY LOOKING OUT
FOR JEFF.

SPEAKING, I'M ONLY LOOKING OUT
FOR JEFF.
HE'S A VERY SENSITIVE BOY, AND I

FOR JEFF.
HE'S A VERY SENSITIVE BOY, AND I
JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO GET HURT.

HE'S A VERY SENSITIVE BOY, AND I
JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO GET HURT.
I UNDERSTAND.

JUST DON'T WANT HIM TO GET HURT.
I UNDERSTAND.
OH, SHARON, I THINK YOU AND I

I UNDERSTAND.
OH, SHARON, I THINK YOU AND I
ARE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST

OH, SHARON, I THINK YOU AND I
ARE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST
FINE.

ARE GOING TO GET ALONG JUST
FINE.
[CHUCKLES]

FINE.
[CHUCKLES]
WELL, JEFFY AND I CAME TO A

[CHUCKLES]
WELL, JEFFY AND I CAME TO A
DECISION.

WELL, JEFFY AND I CAME TO A
DECISION.
[CLEARS THROAT]

DECISION.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I GAVE IN.

[CLEARS THROAT]
I GAVE IN.
YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS CAN STAY

I GAVE IN.
YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS CAN STAY
UPSTAIRS.

YOU TWO LOVEBIRDS CAN STAY
UPSTAIRS.
I'M JUST GLAD MY OWN MOTHER

UPSTAIRS.
I'M JUST GLAD MY OWN MOTHER
ISN'T ALIVE TO SEE IT.

I'M JUST GLAD MY OWN MOTHER
ISN'T ALIVE TO SEE IT.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER WILL

ISN'T ALIVE TO SEE IT.
OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER WILL
BE READY IN ABOUT, UH, HALF AN

OKAY, EVERYBODY, DINNER WILL
BE READY IN ABOUT, UH, HALF AN
HOUR.

BE READY IN ABOUT, UH, HALF AN
HOUR.
OH.

HOUR.
OH.
OKAY, JEFF, LET'S GO

OH.
OKAY, JEFF, LET'S GO
UPSTAIRS.

OKAY, JEFF, LET'S GO
UPSTAIRS.
30 MINUTES?

UPSTAIRS.
30 MINUTES?
UH, MOM, DAD, THAT'S OKAY?

30 MINUTES?
UH, MOM, DAD, THAT'S OKAY?
SURE.

UH, MOM, DAD, THAT'S OKAY?
SURE.
OKAY, LET'S BOLT!

[CHUCKLES]
MR. SANTA?
YES, MY DEAR?

MR. SANTA?
YES, MY DEAR?
FOR CHRISTMAS, COULD I HAVE A

YES, MY DEAR?
FOR CHRISTMAS, COULD I HAVE A
BUSY BRENDA MYSTERY ACTION

FOR CHRISTMAS, COULD I HAVE A
BUSY BRENDA MYSTERY ACTION
VACUUM-CLEANER DOLL?

BUSY BRENDA MYSTERY ACTION
VACUUM-CLEANER DOLL?
NOPE. SORRY.

VACUUM-CLEANER DOLL?
NOPE. SORRY.
WELL, MR. SANTA, COULD I

NOPE. SORRY.
WELL, MR. SANTA, COULD I
PLEASE HAVE THE BATTERY-OPERATED

WELL, MR. SANTA, COULD I
PLEASE HAVE THE BATTERY-OPERATED
DOG FAMILY?

PLEASE HAVE THE BATTERY-OPERATED
DOG FAMILY?
NO.

DOG FAMILY?
NO.
WELL, COULD I PLEASE HAVE A

NO.
WELL, COULD I PLEASE HAVE A
FLEXY, THE POCKET MONKEY?

WELL, COULD I PLEASE HAVE A
FLEXY, THE POCKET MONKEY?
NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE A FLEXY,

FLEXY, THE POCKET MONKEY?
NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE A FLEXY,
THE POCKET MONKEY!

NO, YOU MAY NOT HAVE A FLEXY,
THE POCKET MONKEY!
MR. SANTA, COULD I HAVE A

THE POCKET MONKEY!
MR. SANTA, COULD I HAVE A
READY RANGER FIELD SET?

MR. SANTA, COULD I HAVE A
READY RANGER FIELD SET?
NOPE, NO FIELD SET.

READY RANGER FIELD SET?
NOPE, NO FIELD SET.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU,

NOPE, NO FIELD SET.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WILL GIVE

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'LL TELL YOU,
THERE'S SOMETHING I WILL GIVE
YOU.

THERE'S SOMETHING I WILL GIVE
YOU.
SANTA'S TRAPDOOR!

YOU.
SANTA'S TRAPDOOR!
HA!

SANTA'S TRAPDOOR!
HA!
WHOA!

HA!
WHOA!
ONE OF SANTA'S OLDEST BITS!

WHOA!
ONE OF SANTA'S OLDEST BITS!
AND HE LOVES IT!

ONE OF SANTA'S OLDEST BITS!
AND HE LOVES IT!
MISTER...

AND HE LOVES IT!
MISTER...
YOU FELL FOR IT, STUPID!

MISTER...
YOU FELL FOR IT, STUPID!
WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU WANT?

YOU FELL FOR IT, STUPID!
WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU WANT?
WELL...

WHAT ELSE DON'T YOU WANT?
WELL...
OR WANT... WANT AND JUST

WELL...
OR WANT... WANT AND JUST
CAN'T HAVE!

OR WANT... WANT AND JUST
CAN'T HAVE!
MR. SANTA, COULD I PLEASE

CAN'T HAVE!
MR. SANTA, COULD I PLEASE
HAVE SOME CLAY-DOH?

MR. SANTA, COULD I PLEASE
HAVE SOME CLAY-DOH?
OH-HO, YOU WANT CLAY-DOH.

HAVE SOME CLAY-DOH?
OH-HO, YOU WANT CLAY-DOH.
YEAH.

OH-HO, YOU WANT CLAY-DOH.
YEAH.
ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?

YEAH.
ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?
YES!

ISN'T THAT ADORABLE?
YES!
I JUST WANT, UH, SOME CLAY-DOH

YES!
I JUST WANT, UH, SOME CLAY-DOH
SO I CAN TAKE IT AND BUILD MY

I JUST WANT, UH, SOME CLAY-DOH
SO I CAN TAKE IT AND BUILD MY
PARENTS A SUMMER HOUSE.

SO I CAN TAKE IT AND BUILD MY
PARENTS A SUMMER HOUSE.
ENOUGH CLAY-DOH TO BUILD A

PARENTS A SUMMER HOUSE.
ENOUGH CLAY-DOH TO BUILD A
SUMMER HOUSE FOR YOU PARENTS?

ENOUGH CLAY-DOH TO BUILD A
SUMMER HOUSE FOR YOU PARENTS?
YEAH.

SUMMER HOUSE FOR YOU PARENTS?
YEAH.
WELL, SINCE THAT IS AN AWFUL

YEAH.
WELL, SINCE THAT IS AN AWFUL
LOT OF CLAY-DOH AND BECAUSE YOU

WELL, SINCE THAT IS AN AWFUL
LOT OF CLAY-DOH AND BECAUSE YOU
WANT IT SO MUCH, I'LL JUST HAVE

LOT OF CLAY-DOH AND BECAUSE YOU
WANT IT SO MUCH, I'LL JUST HAVE
TO SAY...

WANT IT SO MUCH, I'LL JUST HAVE
TO SAY...
NO!

TO SAY...
NO!
HA!

NO!
HA!
I LOVE IT!

HA!
I LOVE IT!
MR. SANTA, THEN, COULD I

I LOVE IT!
MR. SANTA, THEN, COULD I
PLEASE HAVE A SET OF PEZ?

MR. SANTA, THEN, COULD I
PLEASE HAVE A SET OF PEZ?
THEY DON'T COST VERY MUCH, AND

PLEASE HAVE A SET OF PEZ?
THEY DON'T COST VERY MUCH, AND
THEY'RE VERY, VERY TINY, AND

THEY DON'T COST VERY MUCH, AND
THEY'RE VERY, VERY TINY, AND
SOMETIMES THEY'RE EVEN FREE.

THEY'RE VERY, VERY TINY, AND
SOMETIMES THEY'RE EVEN FREE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT A VERY BIG

SOMETIMES THEY'RE EVEN FREE.
WELL, THAT'S NOT A VERY BIG
REQUEST FOR CHRISTMAS, AND SINCE

WELL, THAT'S NOT A VERY BIG
REQUEST FOR CHRISTMAS, AND SINCE
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT...

REQUEST FOR CHRISTMAS, AND SINCE
THAT'S ALL YOU WANT...
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!

THAT'S ALL YOU WANT...
YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
OHHH!

YOU CAN'T HAVE IT!
OHHH!
SANTA'S REALLY GETTING OFF ON

OHHH!
SANTA'S REALLY GETTING OFF ON
THIS!

SANTA'S REALLY GETTING OFF ON
THIS!
HA!

THIS!
HA!
WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING...

HA!
WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING...
WHY NOT?

WELL, THERE IS SOMETHING...
WHY NOT?
NO, HONEY, THERE IS SOMETHING

WHY NOT?
NO, HONEY, THERE IS SOMETHING
I DO WANT TO GIVE YOU.

NO, HONEY, THERE IS SOMETHING
I DO WANT TO GIVE YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?

I DO WANT TO GIVE YOU.
WHAT'S THAT?
SANTA'S TRAPDOOR AGAIN!

WHAT'S THAT?
SANTA'S TRAPDOOR AGAIN!
I LOVE IT!

SANTA'S TRAPDOOR AGAIN!
I LOVE IT!
OH!

I LOVE IT!
OH!
SANTA'S REALLY GETTING IT OFF!

OH!
SANTA'S REALLY GETTING IT OFF!
MR. SANTA!

SANTA'S REALLY GETTING IT OFF!
MR. SANTA!
OH!

MR. SANTA!
OH!
WHAT'S THIS, MR. SANTA?

OH!
WHAT'S THIS, MR. SANTA?
THIS IS FOR THE BROTHERS THAT

WHAT'S THIS, MR. SANTA?
THIS IS FOR THE BROTHERS THAT
AREN'T HERE.

THIS IS FOR THE BROTHERS THAT
AREN'T HERE.
IS THAT FOR WHEN YOU'RE

AREN'T HERE.
IS THAT FOR WHEN YOU'RE
THIRSTY?

IS THAT FOR WHEN YOU'RE
THIRSTY?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LITTLE

THIRSTY?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LITTLE
BRAT.

YES, THAT'S RIGHT, YOU LITTLE
BRAT.
SANTA HAS TO STAY WARM BECAUSE

BRAT.
SANTA HAS TO STAY WARM BECAUSE
HE HAS TO FLY BACK TO THE

SANTA HAS TO STAY WARM BECAUSE
HE HAS TO FLY BACK TO THE
NORTH POLE EVERY SINGLE DAY.

HE HAS TO FLY BACK TO THE
NORTH POLE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
NOW, IF YOU BE A GOOD GIRL, KEEP

NORTH POLE EVERY SINGLE DAY.
NOW, IF YOU BE A GOOD GIRL, KEEP
YOUR TRAP SHUT, AND DON'T TELL

NOW, IF YOU BE A GOOD GIRL, KEEP
YOUR TRAP SHUT, AND DON'T TELL
MOMMY ABOUT SANTA'S LITTLE

YOUR TRAP SHUT, AND DON'T TELL
MOMMY ABOUT SANTA'S LITTLE
BOTTLE, I'LL BRING YOU

MOMMY ABOUT SANTA'S LITTLE
BOTTLE, I'LL BRING YOU
EVERYTHING YOU WANT.

BOTTLE, I'LL BRING YOU
EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
NOW, HERE'S... HERE'S A CANDY

EVERYTHING YOU WANT.
NOW, HERE'S... HERE'S A CANDY
CANE FOR YOU, MY DEAR.

NOW, HERE'S... HERE'S A CANDY
CANE FOR YOU, MY DEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, MR. SANTA!

CANE FOR YOU, MY DEAR.
OH, THANK YOU, MR. SANTA!
YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, THANK YOU, MR. SANTA!
YOU'RE WELCOME.
THIS IS THE NICEST TALK WE

YOU'RE WELCOME.
THIS IS THE NICEST TALK WE
EVER HAD.

THIS IS THE NICEST TALK WE
EVER HAD.
HA HA! IS IT?

EVER HAD.
HA HA! IS IT?
MR. SANTA, LOOK!

HA HA! IS IT?
MR. SANTA, LOOK!
THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR BEARD

MR. SANTA, LOOK!
THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR BEARD
RIGHT HERE!

THERE'S SOMETHING ON YOUR BEARD
RIGHT HERE!
WHERE?

RIGHT HERE!
WHERE?
THERE!

WHERE?
THERE!
AAH!

[THUNDER RUMBLING]

[PIANO PLAYING]

[Slurring] M-MR. MIKE, I-I
NEED A LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE.
I NEED ONE REAL BAD.

NEED A LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE.
I NEED ONE REAL BAD.
SURE THING, LARAINE, BUT

I NEED ONE REAL BAD.
SURE THING, LARAINE, BUT
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO

SURE THING, LARAINE, BUT
I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SING FOR IT.

I'M AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO
SING FOR IT.
OH, MR. MIKE, YOU KNOW I

SING FOR IT.
OH, MR. MIKE, YOU KNOW I
CAN'T SING ANYMORE...

OH, MR. MIKE, YOU KNOW I
CAN'T SING ANYMORE...
NOT SINCE I STARTED HITTING THE

CAN'T SING ANYMORE...
NOT SINCE I STARTED HITTING THE
SAUCE.

NOT SINCE I STARTED HITTING THE
SAUCE.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR A

SAUCE.
WELL, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE, I'M

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO HEAR A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE, I'M
AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SING

LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE, I'M
AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SING
THE ARIA FROM

AFRAID YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SING
THE ARIA FROM
"MADAME BUTTERFLY."

THE ARIA FROM
"MADAME BUTTERFLY."
SING THE ARIA FROM

"MADAME BUTTERFLY."
SING THE ARIA FROM
"MADAME BUTTERFLY"?

SING THE ARIA FROM
"MADAME BUTTERFLY"?
I CAN'T SING THAT.

"MADAME BUTTERFLY"?
I CAN'T SING THAT.
I-I-I COULD SING "THESE BOOTS

I CAN'T SING THAT.
I-I-I COULD SING "THESE BOOTS
ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'"...

I-I-I COULD SING "THESE BOOTS
ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'"...
OR ANY OLD NANCY SINATRA SONG.

ARE MADE FOR WALKIN'"...
OR ANY OLD NANCY SINATRA SONG.
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME SING THE

OR ANY OLD NANCY SINATRA SONG.
PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME SING THE
ARIA FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY."

PLEASE, DON'T MAKE ME SING THE
ARIA FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY."
PLEASE.

ARIA FROM "MADAME BUTTERFLY."
PLEASE.
SORRY, CUPCAKE, BUT NO ARIA,

PLEASE.
SORRY, CUPCAKE, BUT NO ARIA,
NO BEDTIME TALE.

SORRY, CUPCAKE, BUT NO ARIA,
NO BEDTIME TALE.
THAT'S HOW IT IS.

NO BEDTIME TALE.
THAT'S HOW IT IS.
WELL, IN THAT CASE, I...

THAT'S HOW IT IS.
WELL, IN THAT CASE, I...
SAY, FINGERS, WHY DON'T YOU

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I...
SAY, FINGERS, WHY DON'T YOU
ACCOMPANY THE LITTLE LADY ON THE

SAY, FINGERS, WHY DON'T YOU
ACCOMPANY THE LITTLE LADY ON THE
PIANO WHILE I MIX HER UP ONE OF

ACCOMPANY THE LITTLE LADY ON THE
PIANO WHILE I MIX HER UP ONE OF
MY SPECIAL DRINKS, THE... THE

PIANO WHILE I MIX HER UP ONE OF
MY SPECIAL DRINKS, THE... THE
ONE I CALL THE SOILED KIMONO.

♪ ONE FINE DAY, WE'LL NOTICE

A TINY SMOKE CLOUD NEARING ON

THE SEA, IN THE FAR HORIZON ♪

♪ AND THEN, HIS SHIP APPEARING ♪

♪ NOW THE MIGHTY WARSHIP SLOWLY

COMES TO HARBOR ♪

♪ CANNONS ROAR A WELCOME ♪

♪ SEE, THERE, HOW I KNOW IT ♪

♪ I'M DYING OF REJOICING ♪

♪ AND THEN, IN AGITATION, HE

WILL CALL ♪

♪ HE WILL CALL, "MY PRECIOUS

LITTLE DARLING, MY LOVELY SILVER

GODDESS!" ♪

♪ THOSE LOVING NAMES I WILL

ALWAYS REMEMBER ♪

♪ ALL I SAY WILL COME TRUE, YOU

MUST BELIEVE ME ♪

♪ LOVE CANNOT BE MISTAKEN ♪

♪ BUT IT CAN BE SHAKEN ♪

♪ FOR-E-E-E-VER ♪

HERE, DRINK THIS, KID.
I-I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.
OKAY.

I-I THINK YOU'RE GONNA NEED IT.
OKAY.
NOW WILL YOU TELL ME A

OKAY.
NOW WILL YOU TELL ME A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE,

NOW WILL YOU TELL ME A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE,
PLEASE?

LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE,
PLEASE?
Y-YOU PROMISED.

PLEASE?
Y-YOU PROMISED.
WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT,

Y-YOU PROMISED.
WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT,
DOLLFACE.

WELL, I'M AFRAID NOT,
DOLLFACE.
BUT WHY?

DOLLFACE.
BUT WHY?
BECAUSE YOU SANG LOUSY,

BUT WHY?
BECAUSE YOU SANG LOUSY,
THAT'S WHY.

BECAUSE YOU SANG LOUSY,
THAT'S WHY.
'CAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE A

THAT'S WHY.
'CAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE.

'CAUSE YOU DON'T DESERVE A
LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE.
[Voice breaking] OH,

LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME TALE.
[Voice breaking] OH,
MR. MIKE, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!

[Voice breaking] OH,
MR. MIKE, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!
WELL, SOMETIMES YOU... YOU

MR. MIKE, YOU'RE SO CRUEL!
WELL, SOMETIMES YOU... YOU
HAVE TO BE CRUEL, LARAINE.

WELL, SOMETIMES YOU... YOU
HAVE TO BE CRUEL, LARAINE.
IN ORDER TO BE KIND,

HAVE TO BE CRUEL, LARAINE.
IN ORDER TO BE KIND,
MR. MIKE?

IN ORDER TO BE KIND,
MR. MIKE?
NO, IN... IN ORDER TO BE EVEN

MR. MIKE?
NO, IN... IN ORDER TO BE EVEN
CRUELER.

NO, IN... IN ORDER TO BE EVEN
CRUELER.
NOW SCRAM.

CRUELER.
NOW SCRAM.
PUT AN EGG IN YOUR SHOE AND BEAT

NOW SCRAM.
PUT AN EGG IN YOUR SHOE AND BEAT
IT.

PUT AN EGG IN YOUR SHOE AND BEAT
IT.
IT'S CLOSING TIME.

IT.
IT'S CLOSING TIME.
D-DO YOU EAT THE BUTTERFLY?

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
HERE'S ELVIS COSTELLO.
[INTRODUCTION TO

HERE'S ELVIS COSTELLO.
[INTRODUCTION TO
"LESS THAN ZERO" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO
"LESS THAN ZERO" PLAYS]
♪ CALLING MISTER OSWALD WITH

["LESS THAN ZERO" PLAYS]
♪ CALLING MISTER OSWALD WITH
THE SWASTIKA TATTOO ♪

♪ CALLING MISTER OSWALD WITH
THE SWASTIKA TATTOO ♪
♪ THERE IS A VACANCY WAITING IN

THE SWASTIKA TATTOO ♪
♪ THERE IS A VACANCY WAITING IN
THE... ♪

♪ THERE IS A VACANCY WAITING IN
THE... ♪
STOP!

THE... ♪
STOP!
[MUSIC STOPS]

STOP!
[MUSIC STOPS]
I'M SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

[MUSIC STOPS]
I'M SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THERE'S NO REASON TO DO THIS

I'M SORRY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
THERE'S NO REASON TO DO THIS
SONG HERE.

THERE'S NO REASON TO DO THIS
SONG HERE.
"RADIO, RADIO."

SONG HERE.
"RADIO, RADIO."
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.

"RADIO, RADIO."
ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
[INTRODUCTION TO "RADIO, RADIO"

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR.
[INTRODUCTION TO "RADIO, RADIO"
PLAYS]

♪ I WAS TUNING IN THE SHINE ON
THE LIGHT NIGHT DIAL ♪
♪ DOING ANYTHING MY RADIO

THE LIGHT NIGHT DIAL ♪
♪ DOING ANYTHING MY RADIO
ADVISED ♪

♪ DOING ANYTHING MY RADIO
ADVISED ♪
♪ WITH EVERY ONE OF THOSE

ADVISED ♪
♪ WITH EVERY ONE OF THOSE
LATE-NIGHT STATIONS ♪

♪ WITH EVERY ONE OF THOSE
LATE-NIGHT STATIONS ♪
♪ PLAYING SONGS, BRINGING TEARS

LATE-NIGHT STATIONS ♪
♪ PLAYING SONGS, BRINGING TEARS
TO MY EYES ♪

♪ PLAYING SONGS, BRINGING TEARS
TO MY EYES ♪
♪ I WAS SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT

TO MY EYES ♪
♪ I WAS SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT
HIDING THE RECEIVER ♪

♪ I WAS SERIOUSLY THINKING ABOUT
HIDING THE RECEIVER ♪
♪ WHEN THE SWITCH BROKE 'CAUSE

HIDING THE RECEIVER ♪
♪ WHEN THE SWITCH BROKE 'CAUSE
IT'S OLD ♪

♪ WHEN THE SWITCH BROKE 'CAUSE
IT'S OLD ♪
♪ THEY'RE SAYING THINGS THAT I

IT'S OLD ♪
♪ THEY'RE SAYING THINGS THAT I
CAN HARDLY BELIEVE ♪

♪ THEY'RE SAYING THINGS THAT I
CAN HARDLY BELIEVE ♪
♪ THEY REALLY THINK WE'RE

CAN HARDLY BELIEVE ♪
♪ THEY REALLY THINK WE'RE
GETTING OUT OF CONTROL ♪

♪ THEY REALLY THINK WE'RE
GETTING OUT OF CONTROL ♪
♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪

GETTING OUT OF CONTROL ♪
♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪
♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE

♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪
♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE
NATION ♪

♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE
NATION ♪
♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO

NATION ♪
♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO
THE VOICE OF REASON ♪

♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO
THE VOICE OF REASON ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY

THE VOICE OF REASON ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY
CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT

♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY
CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT
IT'S TREASON ♪

CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT
IT'S TREASON ♪
♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU

IT'S TREASON ♪
♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU
ARE TOLD ♪

♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU
ARE TOLD ♪
♪ YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THE

ARE TOLD ♪
♪ YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THE
RADIO ♪

♪ I WANT TO BITE THE HAND THAT
FEEDS ME ♪
♪ I WANT TO BITE THAT HAND SO

FEEDS ME ♪
♪ I WANT TO BITE THAT HAND SO
BADLY ♪

♪ I WANT TO BITE THAT HAND SO
BADLY ♪
♪ I WANT TO MAKE THEM WISH

BADLY ♪
♪ I WANT TO MAKE THEM WISH
THEY'D NEVER SEEN ME ♪

♪ I WANT TO MAKE THEM WISH
THEY'D NEVER SEEN ME ♪
♪ SOME OF MY FRIENDS SIT AROUND

THEY'D NEVER SEEN ME ♪
♪ SOME OF MY FRIENDS SIT AROUND
EVERY EVENING ♪

♪ SOME OF MY FRIENDS SIT AROUND
EVERY EVENING ♪
♪ AND THEY WORRY ABOUT THE TIMES

EVERY EVENING ♪
♪ AND THEY WORRY ABOUT THE TIMES
AHEAD ♪

♪ AND THEY WORRY ABOUT THE TIMES
AHEAD ♪
♪ BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS

AHEAD ♪
♪ BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS
OVERWHELMED BY INDIFFERENCE ♪

♪ BUT EVERYBODY ELSE IS
OVERWHELMED BY INDIFFERENCE ♪
♪ AND THE PROMISE OF AN EARLY

OVERWHELMED BY INDIFFERENCE ♪
♪ AND THE PROMISE OF AN EARLY
BED ♪

♪ AND THE PROMISE OF AN EARLY
BED ♪
♪ YOU EITHER SHUT UP OR GET CUT

BED ♪
♪ YOU EITHER SHUT UP OR GET CUT
UP ♪

♪ YOU EITHER SHUT UP OR GET CUT
UP ♪
♪ THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT

UP ♪
♪ THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
IT ♪

♪ THEY DON'T WANT TO HEAR ABOUT
IT ♪
♪ IT'S ONLY INCHES ON THE

IT ♪
♪ IT'S ONLY INCHES ON THE
REEL-TO-REEL ♪

♪ IT'S ONLY INCHES ON THE
REEL-TO-REEL ♪
♪ AND THE RADIO IS IN THE HANDS

REEL-TO-REEL ♪
♪ AND THE RADIO IS IN THE HANDS
OF SUCH A LOT OF FOOLS ♪

♪ AND THE RADIO IS IN THE HANDS
OF SUCH A LOT OF FOOLS ♪
♪ TRYIN' TO ANAESTHETIZE THE WAY

OF SUCH A LOT OF FOOLS ♪
♪ TRYIN' TO ANAESTHETIZE THE WAY
THAT YOU FEEL ♪

♪ TRYIN' TO ANAESTHETIZE THE WAY
THAT YOU FEEL ♪
♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪

THAT YOU FEEL ♪
♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪
♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE

♪ RADIO IS A SOUND SALVATION ♪
♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE
NATION ♪

♪ RADIO IS CLEANING UP THE
NATION ♪
♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO

NATION ♪
♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO
THE VOICE OF REASON ♪

♪ THEY SAY YOU BETTER LISTEN TO
THE VOICE OF REASON ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY

THE VOICE OF REASON ♪
♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY
CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT

♪ BUT THEY DON'T GIVE YOU ANY
CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT
IT'S TREASON ♪

CHOICE 'CAUSE THEY THINK THAT
IT'S TREASON ♪
♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU

IT'S TREASON ♪
♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU
ARE TOLD ♪

♪ SO YOU HAD BETTER DO AS YOU
ARE TOLD ♪
♪ YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THE

ARE TOLD ♪
♪ YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THE
RADIO ♪

♪ YOU BETTER LISTEN TO THE
RADIO ♪
♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪

RADIO ♪
♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪
♪ MARVELOUS RADIO ♪

♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪
♪ MARVELOUS RADIO ♪
♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪

♪ MARVELOUS RADIO ♪
♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪
♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪

♪ WONDERFUL RADIO ♪
♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪
♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪

♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪
♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪
♪ RADIO, RADIO ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE IN
THE WORLD FOR VOTING FOR ME.
I'VE HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME

THE WORLD FOR VOTING FOR ME.
I'VE HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME
I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.

I'VE HAD THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME
I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
EVERYONE'S SO WONDERFUL.

I HAVE EVER HAD IN MY LIFE.
EVERYONE'S SO WONDERFUL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERYONE'S SO WONDERFUL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WANT TO INVITE MY...

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I WANT TO INVITE MY...
I WANT TO THANK MY

I WANT TO INVITE MY...
I WANT TO THANK MY
GRANDDAUGHTER, ESPECIALLY,

I WANT TO THANK MY
GRANDDAUGHTER, ESPECIALLY,
JANINE BAKER.

GRANDDAUGHTER, ESPECIALLY,
JANINE BAKER.
[APPLAUSE]

JANINE BAKER.
[APPLAUSE]
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

[APPLAUSE]
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

Announcer: ON NEW YEAR'S EVE,

WATCH A REPEAT SHOWING OF

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE" IN

NEW ORLEANS.

WE'LL BE BACK LIVE ON

JANUARY 21st, WHEN OUR HOST WILL

BE STEVE MARTIN WITH MUSICAL

GUEST THE NITTY GRITTY DIRT

BAND.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING HAPPY

HOLIDAYS!