Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 2 - Madeline Kahn/Taj Mahal - full transcript

Announcer: HOWEVER, SOME OF
THE NAMES AND EVENTS HAVE BEEN

THE NAMES AND EVENTS HAVE BEEN
CHANGED TO MAKE THE PROGRAM MORE

CHANGED TO MAKE THE PROGRAM MORE
ENTERTAINING.

IN A MOMENT...

IN A MOMENT, LEE HARRY OSWALD,

THE MAN HOUSTON POLICE SAY SHOT

PRESIDENT JOHN F. KURRY, WILL BE

BROUGHT DOWN THIS CORRIDOR TO AN

AWAITING CAR AND THEN

TRANSPORTED TO HOUSTON COUNTY

JAIL, WHERE HE WILL PROBABLY



REMAIN UNTIL HIS TRIAL.

THERE... THERE SEEMS TO BE SOME
ACTIVITY NOW.
YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW.

ACTIVITY NOW.
YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW.
POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN

YES, THERE'S OSWALD NOW.
POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN
AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM.

POLICE CLAIM THAT THEY HAVE AN
AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM.
OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE

AIRTIGHT CASE AGAINST HIM.
OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE
BEEN JEALOUSY.

OSWALD'S MOTIVE APPEARS TO HAVE
BEEN JEALOUSY.
EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG

BEEN JEALOUSY.
EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG
PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN

EVIDENTLY THE HANDSOME, YOUNG
PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE

PRESIDENT HAD BEEN HAVING AN
AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE
BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA...

AFFAIR WITH OSWALD'S WIFE, THE
BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA...
MARINA HARRY OSWALD.

BEAUTIFUL BOLSHOI BALLERINA...
MARINA HARRY OSWALD.
OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE

MARINA HARRY OSWALD.
OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE
GUN.

OF COURSE, THE POLICE HAVE THE
GUN.
OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF



GUN.
OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF
THIS.

OSWALD DENIES ANY KNOWLEDGE OF
THIS.
AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY

THIS.
AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY
FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT.

AND HE WILL BE UNDER HEAVY
FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT.
A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE

FEDERAL AND STATE... WAIT.
A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE
CROWD.

A MAN HAS JUST JUMPED OUT OF THE
CROWD.
AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS...

CROWD.
AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

AN OVERWEIGHT MAN HAS...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUESTS...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MADELINE KAHN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU. CALM DOWN.
OKAY.
AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS

OKAY.
AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS
STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE

AS YOU KNOW, THE SHOW HAS
STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE
TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN

STARTED A LITTLE BIT LATE
TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN
POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE

TONIGHT BECAUSE IT HAS BEEN
POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE
POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN

POURING IN PHILADELPHIA, AND THE
POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN
THE RAIN.

POOR FELLAS HAD TO PLAY BALL IN
THE RAIN.
BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I

THE RAIN.
BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS

BUT THEY DID IT ANYWAY, AND I
JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS
RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW.

JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT IT IS
RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW.
IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT

RAINING IN NEW YORK RIGHT NOW.
IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT
HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE

IN FACT, IT IS RAINING RIGHT
HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE
GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY!

HERE IN THE STUDIO, BUT WE ARE
GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY!
OKAY.

GOING TO DO THE SHOW ANYWAY!
OKAY.
YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN.

OKAY.
YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN.
I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE

YOU CANNOT SEE THE RAIN.
I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE
RAIN.

I KNOW THAT YOU CANNOT SEE THE
RAIN.
IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT

RAIN.
IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT
IT IS HERE.

IT'S JUST A SLIGHT DRIZZLE, BUT
IT IS HERE.
OKAY.

IT IS HERE.
OKAY.
WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW?

OKAY.
WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW?
THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH

WHY DO WE LIKE THIS SHOW?
THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH
EXCITEMENT.

THE ATMOSPHERE IS CHARGED WITH
EXCITEMENT.
WHY DO WE LIKE THAT?

EXCITEMENT.
WHY DO WE LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE

WHY DO WE LIKE THAT?
BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE
UNKNOWN.

BECAUSE WE ARE DEALING WITH THE
UNKNOWN.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT.

UNKNOWN.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO

I CAN TELL YOU THAT FOR A FACT.
I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN TONIGHT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT'S GOING TO
HAPPEN TONIGHT.
I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU

HAPPEN TONIGHT.
I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU
QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE

I CERTAINLY CANNOT PROMISE YOU
QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE
DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN.

QUALITY OF ANY KIND, BUT WE ARE
DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN.
YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND

DEALING WITH THE UNKNOWN.
YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND
JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN,

YOU CAN SORT OF SIT BACK AND
JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN,
BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE

JUST REVEL IN THE UNKNOWN,
BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE
DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE,

BECAUSE IT IS SOMETHING THAT WE
DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE,
ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT

DON'T LIKE TO DO IN LIFE,
ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT
IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN.

ALTHOUGH IN LIFE EVERY MOMENT
IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW.

IS, IN FACT, UNKNOWN.
THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW.
WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW.

THERE IS NOTHING THAT WE KNOW.
WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW.
WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE

WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE KNOW.
WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE
PLANS.

WE LIKE TO THINK THAT WE HAVE
PLANS.
WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS,

PLANS.
WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS,
AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS,

WE HAVE OUR LITTLE DATEBOOKS,
AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS,
AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS.

AND WE HAVE OUR APPOINTMENTS,
AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS.
WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR

AND WE HAVE OUR GOALS.
WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR
AGES, AND SO ON.

WE HAVE OUR GOALS IN LIFE, OUR
AGES, AND SO ON.
WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT.

AGES, AND SO ON.
WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT.
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS.

WE DON'T KNOW ANY OF IT.
I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS.
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR

I HATE TO TELL YOU THIS.
I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR
IT.

I KNOW YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR
IT.
IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING

IT.
IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND

IN FACT, THERE'S ONLY ONE THING
THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND
THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO

THAT WE CAN KNOW FOR SURE, AND
THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO
DIE.

THAT IS THAT WE ARE ALL GOING TO
DIE.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON

DIE.
BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON
THAT.

BUT WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON
THAT.
WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT

THAT.
WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT
BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN

WE'RE NOT GONNA DWELL ON THAT
BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN
IT... NO POINT AT ALL.

BECAUSE THERE'S NO POINT IN
IT... NO POINT AT ALL.
SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND

IT... NO POINT AT ALL.
SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND
LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING

SO JOIN ME... WON'T YOU? AND
LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING
GOOD TIME...

LET'S ALL HAVE A RIPSNORTING
GOOD TIME...
ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

GOOD TIME...
ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ON "SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AS A SALESMAN, I DO A LOT OF
TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO
LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,

TRAVELING, SO WHEN IT COMES TO
LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,
USUALLY ON THE RUN.

LUNCH, I GRAB WHAT I CAN,
USUALLY ON THE RUN.
AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I

USUALLY ON THE RUN.
AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I
KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT

AND WHEN I WANT MINERAL WATER, I
KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT
DOMESTIC.

KEEP IT SIMPLE AND I KEEP IT
DOMESTIC.
I DRINK SWILL...

DOMESTIC.
I DRINK SWILL...
THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM

I DRINK SWILL...
THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM
LAKE ERIE.

THE WATER THAT'S DREDGED FROM
LAKE ERIE.
NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.

LAKE ERIE.
NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.
IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE

NOTHING'S ADDED TO SWILL.
IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE
TO YOU.

IT COMES STRAIGHT FROM THE LAKE
TO YOU.
MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN

TO YOU.
MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN
COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT

MAYBE YOU THOUGHT ONLY EUROPEAN
COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT
LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE

COUNTRIES HAD MINERAL WATER, BUT
LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE
SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT

LET ME TELL YOU... WE BOTTLE
SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT
HERE IN AMERICA.

SOME PRETTY SPECIAL WATER RIGHT
HERE IN AMERICA.
YEAH. AMERICA.

HERE IN AMERICA.
YEAH. AMERICA.
WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS

YEAH. AMERICA.
WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS
OWN.

WATER WITH A CHARACTER ALL ITS
OWN.
SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW

OWN.
SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW
IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS

SWILL'S REFRESHING, SWILL'S LOW
IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS
WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE

IN CALORIES, AND SWILL HELPS
WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE
THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN

WASH DOWN A HEARTY MEAL LIKE
THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN
YOUR STOMACH.

THIS, WHICH TENDS TO JUST LAY IN
YOUR STOMACH.
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

YOUR STOMACH.
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪

♪ ANTICIPATION ♪
♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪
♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪

♪ IS MAKING ME WAIT ♪
♪ KEEPING ME WAITING ♪
I LIKE MINE WITH A TWIST.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME
FOR "BAD OPERA," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.

FOR "BAD OPERA," WITH YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.

LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND

GOOD EVENING.
I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD

I'M LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, AND
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
OPERA."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO "BAD
OPERA."
TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY

OPERA."
TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY
FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE

TONIGHT WE FEATURE A WORK BY
FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE
GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN

FRIEDRICH KNABEL ENTITLED "THE
GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN
NOTE."

GOLDEN KLANG," OR "THE GOLDEN
NOTE."
WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH

NOTE."
WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH
IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE

WRITTEN UNDER DURESS IN MUNICH
IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE
WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME.

IN 1847, IT WAS HERALDED AS THE
WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME.
THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN

WORST GERMAN OPERA OF ITS TIME.
THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN
KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN

THE LIBRETTO OF "THE GOLDEN
KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN
WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN

KLANG" CONCERNS MAZDA, A MAIDEN
WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN
MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT

WANDERING IN THE BAVARIAN
MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT
MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE

MOUNTAINS WITH HER LOVELY TROUT
MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE
GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE

MAIDENS, WHO IS CHOSEN BY THE
GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE
GOLDEN NOTE.

GODS TO RECEIVE AND SING THE
GOLDEN NOTE.
THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A

GOLDEN NOTE.
THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A
FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES

THUNDER STURUM, HER SUITOR, IS A
FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES
TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE

FIERY TEUTONIC WARRIOR WHO TRIES
TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE
MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM

TO PREVENT SCHWARTZ STURUM, THE
MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM
BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE,

MESSENGER OF THE GODS, FROM
BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE,
KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE

BRINGING MAZDA THE GOLDEN NOTE,
KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE
RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE.

KNOWING FULL WELL THAT WHEN SHE
RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE.
A DOUBLE IRONY HERE.

RECEIVES IT, SHE WILL DIE.
A DOUBLE IRONY HERE.
KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC

A DOUBLE IRONY HERE.
KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC
NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS

KNABEL HAS TRULY FOUND A TRAGIC
NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS
ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH

NOTE, FOR WHEN THE NOTE IS
ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH
PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND

ACTUALLY SUNG, IT IS OF SUCH
PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND
IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG

PITCH, TONE, AND CHARACTER, AND
IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG
THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK.

IT MUST BE SUSTAINED FOR SO LONG
THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK.
THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS

THAT IT CAUSES LARYNX LOCK.
THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS
ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER.

THE SINGER'S LARYNX SIMPLY LOCKS
ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER.
THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO

ONTO THE NOTE FOREVER.
THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO
INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT

THAT'S WHY THIS OPERA IS SO
INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT
TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO.

INCREDIBLY BAD AND AS DIFFICULT
TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO.
WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA

TO SING AS IT IS TO LISTEN TO.
WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA
SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS

WE INVARIABLY LOSE GREAT OPERA
SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS
PERFORMED.

SINGERS EVERY TIME IT IS
PERFORMED.
IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS

PERFORMED.
IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS
THE OPERA BEGINS.

IT IS DUSK IN THE RHINELAND AS
THE OPERA BEGINS.
[MUSIC PLAYS]

THE OPERA BEGINS.
[MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ PLEASE ♪

[MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ PLEASE ♪
♪ PLEASE ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪
♪ PLEASE ♪
♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪

♪ PLEASE ♪
♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪
♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪

♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪
♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ THY GOLDEN KLANG ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ IT'S HERE ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪

♪ IT'S HERE ♪
♪ IT'S HERE ♪
[VOCALIZING]

♪ IT'S HERE ♪
[VOCALIZING]
♪ IT COMES ♪

[VOCALIZING]
♪ IT COMES ♪
♪ IT COMES ♪

♪ IT COMES ♪
♪ IT COMES ♪
♪ IT COMES ♪

♪ IT COMES ♪
♪ IT COMES ♪
[THUNDER CRASHING]

♪ IT COMES ♪
[THUNDER CRASHING]
[VOCALIZING]

[THUNDER CRASHING]
[VOCALIZING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]

[VOCALIZING]
[ELECTRICITY CRACKLING]
[HOLDING NOTE]

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

FOREVER.
VERY BAD, WASN'T IT?
DELIGHTFULLY BAD.

VERY BAD, WASN'T IT?
DELIGHTFULLY BAD.
NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL.

DELIGHTFULLY BAD.
NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL.
NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE

NOT VERY GOOD AT ALL.
NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE
MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY.

NOW I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE THE
MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY.
SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS.

MEMBERS OF OUR COMPANY.
SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS.
THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE

SCHWARTZ STURUM WAS HERR EVANS.
THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE
AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON.

THE TROUT MAIDENS WERE DEBBIE
AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON.
THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY

AND TERRI SCHLIMPTON.
THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY
STEVEN MASHAKIS.

THUNDER STURUM WAS PORTRAYED BY
STEVEN MASHAKIS.
FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER

STEVEN MASHAKIS.
FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER
WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN

FOSPHOS THE LIGHTNING BRINGER
WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN
RONNY BAKEMAN.

WAS, OF COURSE, OUR OWN
RONNY BAKEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNY.

RONNY BAKEMAN.
THANK YOU, RONNY.
AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE

THANK YOU, RONNY.
AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE
LOVELY TINA PIVNIK.

AND MAZDA WAS PLAYED BY THE
LOVELY TINA PIVNIK.
SO SORRY, TINA.

LOVELY TINA PIVNIK.
SO SORRY, TINA.
[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]

SO SORRY, TINA.
[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]
THANK YOU.

[CONTINUES HOLDING NOTE]
THANK YOU.
JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE

THANK YOU.
JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE
FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA...

JOIN US NEXT TIME WHEN WE
FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA...
KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER."

FEATURE AN EVEN WORSE OPERA...
KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,

KNUTE WADER'S "THE RAT TENDER."
UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING

UNTIL THEN, THIS IS YOUR HOST,
LEONARD PINTH-GARNELL, BIDDING
YOU GOOD NIGHT.

HOW MANY OF YOU OUT THERE

WATCHING THIS SHOW RIGHT NOW ARE

SAYING TO YOURSELVES, "YOU KNOW,

MADELINE KAHN IS PRETTY GOOD,

BUT I THINK I COULD DO A BETTER

JOB THAN THAT"?

WELL, HERE'S YOUR CHANCE,
BECAUSE NOW ANYONE CAN HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

BECAUSE NOW ANYONE CAN HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A
POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS

ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS WRITE A
POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS
OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST

POSTCARD AND STATE IN 25 WORDS
OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."

OR LESS WHY YOU WANT TO HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE."
AND MAIL YOUR POSTCARD TO...

YOUR ENTRIES MUST BE IN BY
MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st.
YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL

MIDNIGHT, NOVEMBER 1st.
YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL
EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A

YOU NEED NO THEATRICAL
EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A
STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF.

EXPERIENCE... JUST TALENT AND A
STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF.
IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN

STRONG BELIEF IN YOURSELF.
IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN
THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU

IF YOUR POSTCARD IS FUNNY, IN
THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU
MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE

THE OPINION OF OUR STAFF, YOU
MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE
FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO

MIGHT BE ONE OF THE FIVE
FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO
NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ

FINALISTS WHO WILL BE FLOWN TO
NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ
YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW.

NEW YORK IN NOVEMBER TO READ
YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW.
THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT

YOUR POSTCARD LIVE ON THE SHOW.
THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT
HOME TO DECIDE.

THEN IT'S UP TO YOU PEOPLE AT
HOME TO DECIDE.
THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN

HOME TO DECIDE.
THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN
TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK

THE LUCKY WINNER WILL BE FLOWN
TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK
E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX

TO NEW YORK, PUT UP AT THE SWANK
E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX
HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND

E... THE SWANK ESSEX H... ESSEX
HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND
WORK WITH THE

HOUSE HOTEL AND GET TO MEET AND
WORK WITH THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

WORK WITH THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS.

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS.
AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME

PLAYERS.
AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME
$3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR

AND YOU'LL BE PAID THE SAME
$3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR
EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY

$3,000 WE PAY ANY OTHER HOST OR
EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY
SHOW UP.

EVEN THE BEATLES IF THEY'D ONLY
SHOW UP.
BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST

SHOW UP.
BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS

BEST OF ALL, YOU WILL HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS
SHOW ON DECEMBER 17.

"SATURDAY NIGHT'S" CHRISTMAS
SHOW ON DECEMBER 17.
SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD.

SHOW ON DECEMBER 17.
SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD.
HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY

SO JUST DROP US A POSTCARD.
HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY
OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

HOWEVER, IF YOU SHOULD SEE ANY
OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY

OF THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY
NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT,

PLAYERS OR ANYONE FROM "SATURDAY
NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT,
SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU

NIGHT," INCLUDING MYSELF, AT,
SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU
SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL

SAY, A FANCY RESTAURANT, AND YOU
SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL
A POSTCARD?

SAY TO YOURSELF, "HEY, WHY MAIL
A POSTCARD?
I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT

A POSTCARD?
I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT
THEIR TABLE."

I'LL JUST DROP IT OFF NOW AT
THEIR TABLE."
YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY

THEIR TABLE."
YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY
DISQUALIFIED.

YOU'LL BE IMMEDIATELY
DISQUALIFIED.
OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR

DISQUALIFIED.
OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR
WHAT YOU ARE.

OTHERWISE, WE DON'T CARE WHO OR
WHAT YOU ARE.
IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE

WHAT YOU ARE.
IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE
ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM.

IF YOU CAN LICK A STAMP, YOU'RE
ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM.
SO THERE IT IS.

ON YOUR WAY TO STARDOM.
SO THERE IT IS.
ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU

SO THERE IT IS.
ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU
THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST

ANYONE CAN HOST, AND WE GIVE YOU
THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE.

THAT CHANCE BECAUSE IT'S JUST
THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE.
Announcer: SEND YOUR

THE KIND OF PEOPLE WE ARE.
Announcer: SEND YOUR
POSTCARDS TO...

EMPLOYEES AND FAMILIES OF
EMPLOYEES OF RCA, NBC, OR ANY OF
THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT

EMPLOYEES OF RCA, NBC, OR ANY OF
THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT
ELIGIBLE.

THEIR RELATED COMPANIES ARE NOT
ELIGIBLE.
THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE

ELIGIBLE.
THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE
PROHIBITED BY LAW.

THIS CONTEST IS VOID WHERE
PROHIBITED BY LAW.
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN

PROHIBITED BY LAW.
MAYBE I'LL SEE YOU IN
DECEMBER.

BIANCA JAGGER HAS JUST

FINISHED EATING DINNER IN THIS

TELEVISION STUDIO WITH THREE OR

FOUR OF HER CLOSE PERSONAL

FRIENDS.

AT THE TABLE TONIGHT...

TRUMAN CAPOTE...

PRINCESS GRACE...

MARGARET TRUDEAU...

AND OUR HOSTESS, BIANCA JAGGER.

WON'T YOU JOIN BIANCA FOR WINE,
CHEESE, AND GRAPES?
[CHUCKLING]

CHEESE, AND GRAPES?
[CHUCKLING]
YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS

[CHUCKLING]
YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS
HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT

YOU KNOW, BIANCA, EVERYONE KNOWS
HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT
YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN.

HOW MUCH YOU'VE CHANGED NOW THAT
YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN.
I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME

YOU'RE A WORKING WOMAN.
I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME
BIANCA.

I MEAN, YOU'RE JUST NOT THE SAME
BIANCA.
OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME.

BIANCA.
OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME.
HOW COULD I BE THE SAME?

OF COURSE I'M NOT THE SAME.
HOW COULD I BE THE SAME?
I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED.

HOW COULD I BE THE SAME?
I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED.
WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT

I'VE COMPLETELY CHANGED.
WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT
YOU'VE CHANGED?

WELL, HOW DO YOU FEEL THAT
YOU'VE CHANGED?
HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE

YOU'VE CHANGED?
HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE
CHANGED?

HOW DO I FEEL THAT I'VE
CHANGED?
YOU'RE SO SILLY.

CHANGED?
YOU'RE SO SILLY.
YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE

YOU'RE SO SILLY.
YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE
PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING.

YOU KNOW THAT I WAS LEADING THE
PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING.
YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.

PARTY LIFE BEFORE I WAS WORKING.
YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I

YOU KNOW THAT FOR A FACT.
IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I
TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE

IF I'M INVITED TO A PARTY, I
TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE
PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I

TAKE THE PLANE, I GET ON THE
PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I
LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE

PLANE, I GO TO THE COUNTRY, I
LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE
PARTY.

LEARN THE LANGUAGE, I GO TO THE
PARTY.
I AM THE PARTY.

PARTY.
I AM THE PARTY.
BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS.

I AM THE PARTY.
BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS.
GOD, IT'S TRUE.

BUT THAT IS WHAT IT IS.
GOD, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S REALLY TRUE.

GOD, IT'S TRUE.
IT'S REALLY TRUE.
YOU ARE THE PARTY.

IT'S REALLY TRUE.
YOU ARE THE PARTY.
THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM

YOU ARE THE PARTY.
THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM
WORKING NOW.

THAT IS TRUE, BUT I AM
WORKING NOW.
THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE.

WORKING NOW.
THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE.
I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE

THAT IS THE PATTERN OF MY LIFE.
I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE
LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY,

I AM WORKING NOW, AND I HAVE
LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY,
VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT

LEARNED SOMETHING WHICH IS VERY,
VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT
IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME.

VERY IMPORTANT IN LIFE, AND THAT
IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME.
IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO

IS THAT YOU MUST BE ON TIME.
IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO
BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT

IF YOU ARE CALLED TO A PLACE TO
BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT
ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE

BE THERE AT 1:00, IF YOU DO NOT
ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE
KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR...

ARRIVE UNTIL 5:00, YOU WILL HAVE
KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR...
FOUR HOURS.

KEPT EVERYONE WAITING FOR...
FOUR HOURS.
THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I

FOUR HOURS.
THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I
WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE

THIS IS WHAT I USED TO DO IF I
WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE
WHAT IS TIME?

WOULD ARRIVE AT A PLACE, BECAUSE
WHAT IS TIME?
TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME?

WHAT IS TIME?
TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME?
TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS

TIME IS NOTHING. WHAT IS TIME?
TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS
TIME?

TIME NEVER MEANT... WHAT IS
TIME?
TIME WAS NOTHING.

TIME?
TIME WAS NOTHING.
BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED

TIME WAS NOTHING.
BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED
NOW.

BUT THIS HAS COMPLETELY CHANGED
NOW.
HOW'S MICK?

NOW.
HOW'S MICK?
YES, HOW IS MICK?

HOW'S MICK?
YES, HOW IS MICK?
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE

YES, HOW IS MICK?
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE
HERE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE
HERE.
"HOW IS MICK?"

HERE.
"HOW IS MICK?"
I COME FROM NICARAGUA.

"HOW IS MICK?"
I COME FROM NICARAGUA.
THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE

I COME FROM NICARAGUA.
THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE
VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH

THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE
VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH
SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR

VERY WEALTHY WOMEN THERE, WHICH
SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR
LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE

SAYS THAT YOU CANNOT SHAVE YOUR
LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE
ON.

LEGS AFTER YOUR PANTY HOSE ARE
ON.
AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE.

ON.
AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE.
GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE.

AND I BELIEVE THAT THIS IS TRUE.
GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE.
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.

GOD, YES, THAT IS TRUE.
OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT,

OF COURSE IT'S TRUE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE RIGHT,
BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU
CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON

BECAUSE IF YOU NICK YOURSELF YOU
CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON
UNDERNEATH THEM.

CAN'T GET A BAND-AID ON
UNDERNEATH THEM.
WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY

UNDERNEATH THEM.
WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY
MISUNDERSTOOD.

WELL, YOU'VE COMPLETELY
MISUNDERSTOOD.
BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.

MISUNDERSTOOD.
BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE.

BIANCA, YOU'RE SO BEAUTIFUL.
YOU ARE.
YOU ARE.

YOU ARE.
YOU ARE.
OH, THANK YOU.

YOU ARE.
OH, THANK YOU.
DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS

OH, THANK YOU.
DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS
IMPORTANT?

DO YOU THINK THAT MAKEUP IS
IMPORTANT?
DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS

IMPORTANT?
DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS
IMPORTANT?

DO I THINK THAT MAKEUP IS
IMPORTANT?
I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN.

IMPORTANT?
I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN.
YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE

I DO NOT USE MAKEUP, TRUMAN.
YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE
MAKEUP.

YOU KNOW THAT I DO NOT USE
MAKEUP.
WHAT IS MAKEUP?

MAKEUP.
WHAT IS MAKEUP?
MAKEUP USES ME.

WHAT IS MAKEUP?
MAKEUP USES ME.
I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD.

MAKEUP USES ME.
I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD.
YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.

I MAKE THE MAKEUP LOOK GOOD.
YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.
WHERE IS MICK?

YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.
WHERE IS MICK?
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE

WHERE IS MICK?
I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE
HERE FOR DINNER.

I THOUGHT HE WAS GOING TO BE
HERE FOR DINNER.
YES, WHERE IS MICK?

HERE FOR DINNER.
YES, WHERE IS MICK?
THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE

YES, WHERE IS MICK?
THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE
POOR WOMEN OF MONACO.

THERE IS A SAYING AMONGST THE
POOR WOMEN OF MONACO.
"IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR

POOR WOMEN OF MONACO.
"IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR
DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN

"IF YOUR HUSBAND IS LATE FOR
DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN
SOMEWHERE ELSE."

DINNER, MAYBE HE HAS EATEN
SOMEWHERE ELSE."
YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.

SOMEWHERE ELSE."
YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S

YOU COMPLETELY MISUNDERSTAND.
YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S
SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW?

YOU KNOW, THAT MICK... HE'S
SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW?
WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO

SUCH A RAW TALENT, YOU KNOW?
WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO
A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER?

WHAT IS IT LIKE BEING MARRIED TO
A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER?
"WHAT IS IT LIKE?"

A MAN LIKE MICK JAGGER?
"WHAT IS IT LIKE?"
I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN

"WHAT IS IT LIKE?"
I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN
LIFE.

I HAVE LEARNED MANY THINGS IN
LIFE.
I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I

LIFE.
I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I
AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM.

I HAVE LEARNED THAT A WOMAN... I
AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM.
WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR

AM WOMAN... WOMAN, I AM.
WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR
INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF

WHEN A WOMAN IS MARRIED TO, FOR
INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF
HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE,

INSTANCE, A MICK JAGGER, AND IF
HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE,
BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN...

HER FIRST NAME IS, FOR INSTANCE,
BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN...
GETS TO CALL HERSELF

BIANCA, THEN SHE... THE WOMAN...
GETS TO CALL HERSELF
BIANCA JAGGER.

GETS TO CALL HERSELF
BIANCA JAGGER.
IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME.

BIANCA JAGGER.
IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME.
I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE.

IT'S SUCH A MARVELOUS NAME.
I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE.
HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP.

I WISH MICK WOULD GET HERE.
HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP.
GOD, THAT'S TRUE.

HE HAS SUCH A SENSUAL LOWER LIP.
GOD, THAT'S TRUE.
HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO.

GOD, THAT'S TRUE.
HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO.
I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR

HE'S VERY POPULAR IN MONACO.
I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR
STAMP.

I WANTED TO ASK HIM TO BE ON OUR
STAMP.
OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL.

STAMP.
OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A

OH, HE'D BE BEAUTIFUL.
YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A
QUESTION OF ATTITUDE.

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING'S A
QUESTION OF ATTITUDE.
YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW

QUESTION OF ATTITUDE.
YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW
YOU ARE.

YOU KNOW, HOW YOU FEEL IS HOW
YOU ARE.
I USED TO FEEL SHORT.

YOU ARE.
I USED TO FEEL SHORT.
I LOOKED SHORT.

I USED TO FEEL SHORT.
I LOOKED SHORT.
NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL,

I LOOKED SHORT.
NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL,
UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR

NOW I FEEL TALL, AND I AM TALL,
UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR
SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF.

UNLESS I HAVE TO REACH FOR
SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF.
I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST...

SOMETHING HIGH ON A SHELF.
I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST...
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES.

I-I CANNOT... I-I-I JUST...
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT SHELVES.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT REACHING.
WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.
I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME,

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT NOTHING.
I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME,
I'M SORRY.

I MEAN, YOU MUST UNDERSTAND ME,
I'M SORRY.
I MUST BE HONEST.

I'M SORRY.
I MUST BE HONEST.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS,

I MUST BE HONEST.
THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS,
OKAY?

THESE PEOPLE ARE NOT MY FRIENDS,
OKAY?
THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM.

OKAY?
THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM.
I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT

THIS IS NOT MY DINING ROOM.
I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT
IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS.

I WOULD NOT HAVE MY FRIENDS SIT
IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS.
THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW.

IN A DINING ROOM LIKE THIS.
THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.

THIS IS A TELEVISION SHOW.
I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR
THESE PEOPLE.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR
THESE PEOPLE.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR

THESE PEOPLE.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR
TELEVISION.

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR
TELEVISION.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR...

TELEVISION.
I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR...
WHAT IS CARE?

I DON'T PARTICULARLY CARE FOR...
WHAT IS CARE?
WHAT IS THINK?

WHAT IS CARE?
WHAT IS THINK?
WHAT IS I?

WHAT IS THINK?
WHAT IS I?
WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT?

WHAT IS I?
WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT?
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?

WHAT IS WHAT? WHAT IS WHAT?
YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
YES.

YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
YES.
I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT.

YES.
I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT.
I CANNOT BEAR IT.

I MEAN, I CANNOT BEAR IT.
I CANNOT BEAR IT.
I REALLY CANNOT.

I CANNOT BEAR IT.
I REALLY CANNOT.
IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE

I REALLY CANNOT.
IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE
HONEST...

IF ONE CANNOT SIT AND BE
HONEST...
YOU HAVE JUST HAD WINE,

HONEST...
YOU HAVE JUST HAD WINE,
CHEESE, AND GRAPES WITH...

OH, I LOVE THIS PART, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT

AND GENTLEMEN.
I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT
TO YOU TAJ MAHAL.

I AM COMPLETELY PROUD TO PRESENT
TO YOU TAJ MAHAL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TO YOU TAJ MAHAL.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "QUEEN BEE" PLAYS]

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪
♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪

♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪
♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ QUEEN BEE ♪

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ QUEEN BEE ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ QUEEN BEE ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OOH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OOH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OOH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ BABY, HOW YOUR ASS SO FINE ♪
♪ OOH, YOU WIGGLE YOUR SWEET
BACKSIDE ♪

♪ OOH, YOU WIGGLE YOUR SWEET
BACKSIDE ♪
♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪

BACKSIDE ♪
♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪
♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD

♪ BABY, WHEN YOU FELT SO FINE ♪
♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD
BEHIND ♪

♪ FRIENDS AND A DAMN GOOD
BEHIND ♪
♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

BEHIND ♪
♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, YOU ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ GIRL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ GIRL ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ GIRL ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]
♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]
♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪
♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪

♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪
♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪
♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪

♪ MAN, YOUR POT ♪
♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪
♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪

♪ YOUR POT IS HOT ♪
♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪
♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪

♪ HONEY IN THE HONEY POT ♪
♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ AND THE POT IS ALL I'VE GOT ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪
♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪

♪ BABY BEEN SWEET ON ME ♪
♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ QUEEN BEE ♪

♪ SWEETER THAN A HONEY BEE ♪
♪ QUEEN BEE ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ QUEEN BEE ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
[VOCALIZING]

♪ OH, SHE ROCK ME TO MY SOUL ♪
[VOCALIZING]
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE '60s... A TIME
OF CHANGE, LOVE-INS, AND HEAD
TRIPS.

OF CHANGE, LOVE-INS, AND HEAD
TRIPS.
THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES,

TRIPS.
THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES,
LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE

THE '60s MEANT PEACE MARCHES,
LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE
HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND

LSD, DYLAN, AND WOODSTOCK, THE
HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND
DROPPED OUT.

HIPPIES WHO DROPPED ACID AND
DROPPED OUT.
BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOW... THE

DROPPED OUT.
BUT WHERE ARE THEY NOW... THE
SURVIVORS OF THE '60s?

WHERE ARE THEIR HEADS AT, AND

JUST HOW MUCH DO THEY REMEMBER

TODAY?

[Foreign accent] THE '60s

WERE BEAUTIFUL.

I TRIPPED EVERY DAY.

I WAS HIGH FOR ABOUT THREE

YEARS.

I COULDN'T GET MY HEAD

TOGETHER, SO I DROPPED OUT.

YES, I WAS A LOVE CHILD IN

THE '60s, AND IT WAS A

BEAUTIFUL, FAR-OUT TRIP.

I REMEMBER HENDRIX AT

MONTEREY AS IF IT WAS YESTERDAY.

YOU JUST CAN'T GET GOOD ACID

THESE DAYS.

I GUESS THEY CALL ME "FREE"

BECAUSE I'M SO LIBERATED.

Announcer: SO THERE IT IS...

SOME OF THE ACID GENERATION

TODAY.

A LITTLE OLDER, MELLOWER, AND
PERHAPS A BIT NOSTALGIC.
YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST

PERHAPS A BIT NOSTALGIC.
YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST
OF THEM STILL HAVE THEIR HEADS

YES, THEY'VE CHANGED, BUT MOST
OF THEM STILL HAVE THEIR HEADS
IN A BEAUTIFUL, BEAUTIFUL PLACE.

Announcer: AND NOW "WEEKEND
UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

UPDATE" WITH THE "WEEKEND
UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS

UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

HERE ARE CO-ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN, UH, AYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI
DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... ISRAELI
DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE

DEFENSE MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE
PALESTINE LIBERATION

FINALLY AGREED TO MEET WITH THE
PALESTINE LIBERATION
ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL

PALESTINE LIBERATION
ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL
WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL

ORGANIZATION BUT SAYS HE STILL
WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL
UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM.

WANTS IT KNOWN THAT HE IS STILL
UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM.
BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO

UNABLE TO RECOGNIZE THEM.
BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO
DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE,

BUT THERE IS ONE PERSON WHO
DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE,
BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF

DOES RECOGNIZE HIM, JANE,
BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF
INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND

BECAUSE IN A STUNNING DISPLAY OF
INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND
UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE

INCISIVE, PERCEPTIVE, AND
UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN

UNYIELDING INVESTIGATIVE
REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN
BARBARA WALTERS GOT

REPORTING, ABC ANCHORWOMAN
BARBARA WALTERS GOT
YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND

BARBARA WALTERS GOT
YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND
REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE

YASSER ARAFAT TO BREAK DOWN AND
REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE
RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON.

REVEAL THAT HE AND FORMER BEATLE
RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON.
THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE

RINGO STARR ARE THE SAME PERSON.
THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE
TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED

THIS, HE SAID, EXPLAINS WHY THE
TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED
TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD"

TWO OF THEM ARE NOT PHOTOGRAPHED
TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD"
ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T

TOGETHER ON THE "ABBEY ROAD"
ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T
APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE

ALBUM AND WHY ARAFAT DIDN'T
APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE
ED SULLIVAN SHOW."

APPEAR WITH THE BEATLES ON "THE
ED SULLIVAN SHOW."
I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR

ED SULLIVAN SHOW."
I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR
BARBARA.

I'D SAY THAT WAS GOOD WORK FOR
BARBARA.
ME TOO, DAN.

BARBARA.
ME TOO, DAN.
[CLEARS THROAT]

ME TOO, DAN.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]

[CLEARS THROAT]
[SIGHS]
I'M GOING HOME.

[SIGHS]
I'M GOING HOME.
OH.

I'M GOING HOME.
OH.
NO.

OH.
NO.
DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY

NO.
DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY
IS YOURS.

DAN, I THINK THE NEXT STORY
IS YOURS.
WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS

IS YOURS.
WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS
BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT

WELL, A CHICAGO MAN HAS
BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT
AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH

BROUGHT A $10 MILLION LAWSUIT
AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH
SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS

AGAINST THE JACK LaLANNE HEALTH
SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS
NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING

SPAS FOR WHAT HE CALLS GROSS
NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING
COURSE.

NEGLIGENCE IN A BODYBUILDING
COURSE.
HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR

COURSE.
HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR
HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM

HE CLAIMS THAT HIS INSTRUCTOR
HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM
AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED

HELPED HIM DEVELOP HIS RIGHT ARM
AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED
THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME

AND LEFT LEG AND THEN ABANDONED
THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME
EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN

THE EXERCISES, 'CAUSING EXTREME
EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN
ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE.

EMBARRASSMENT AND REQUIRING AN
ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE

ENTIRE NEW WARDROBE.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE
DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS HE
DEVELOPS.
"DAN."

DEVELOPS.
"DAN."
IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE

"DAN."
IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE
UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK,

IN HIS ADDRESS TO THE
UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK,
PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE

UNITED NATIONS THIS WEEK,
PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE
UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE

PRESIDENT CARTER STATED THAT THE
UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN

UNITED STATES WOULD NEVER USE
NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN
SELF-DEFENSE.

NUCLEAR WEAPONS EXCEPT IN
SELF-DEFENSE.
AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING,

SELF-DEFENSE.
AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING,
A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO

AS HE WAS LEAVING THE BUILDING,
A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO
AT THE PRESIDENT.

A BYSTANDER THREW A RIPE TOMATO
AT THE PRESIDENT.
CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD,

AT THE PRESIDENT.
CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD,
RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL

CARTER, TRUE TO HIS WORD,
RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL
NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER,

RETALIATED BY THROWING A SMALL
NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER,
KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT,

NEUTRON BOMB AT THE BYSTANDER,
KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT,
FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE

KILLING HIM INSTANTLY, BUT,
FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE
UNITED NATIONS BUILDING.

FORTUNATELY, SPARING THE
UNITED NATIONS BUILDING.
AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER

UNITED NATIONS BUILDING.
AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER
PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE

AFTERWARDS, PRESIDENT CARTER
PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE
HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT

PAID A VISIT TO THE BRONX, WHERE
HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT
NEIGHBORHOOD.

HE GOT A FEEL OF THAT
NEIGHBORHOOD.
TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS

NEIGHBORHOOD.
TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS
WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.

TELEVISION WAS ON TRIAL THIS
WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.
15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S

WEEK IN MIAMI, FLORIDA.
15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S
DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT

15-YEAR-OLD RODNEY ZAMORA'S
DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT
WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH

DEFENSE LAWYER HAD CLAIMED THAT
WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH
AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED

WATCHING TELEVISION SHOWS SUCH
AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED
ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY

AS "KOJAK" HAD BRAINWASHED
ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY
KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN.

ZAMORA INTO INVOLUNTARILY
KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN.
THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT

KILLING AN ELDERLY MIAMI WOMAN.
THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT
REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY

THE JURY CONVICTED ZAMORA BUT
REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY
TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN

REVERSED THEIR DECISION QUICKLY
TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN
THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN

TO JUSTIFIABLE HOMICIDE WHEN
THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN
WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER

THEY LEARNED THAT HE HAD BEEN
WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER
THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!"

WATCHING NOT "KOJAK," BUT RATHER
THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!"
AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT

THE DAYTIME TALK SHOW "DINAH!"
AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT
WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN

AND IN A RELATED STORY, NEXT
WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.

WEEK, REAL LIFE GOES ON TRIAL IN
WASHINGTON, D.C.
THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON

WASHINGTON, D.C.
THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON
BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION

THE SENATE COMMITTEE ON
BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION
REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT

BROADCASTING AND COMMUNICATION
REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT
VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES

REGULATIONS HAS FOUND THAT
VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES
VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.

VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE CAUSES
VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.
SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS

VIOLENCE ON TELEVISION.
SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS
VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS

SENATORS WANT TO HAVE LESS
VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS
SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY

VIOLENCE IN REAL LIFE THIS
SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY
TOWARDS MORE SEX.

SEASON, BUT THEY SEE A TENDENCY
TOWARDS MORE SEX.
MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE.

TOWARDS MORE SEX.
MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE.
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA

MORE SEX IN REAL LIFE.
I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA
WANTS.

I GUESS THAT'S WHAT AMERICA
WANTS.
JANE?

WANTS.
JANE?
AND SO DO I, DAN.

JANE?
AND SO DO I, DAN.
A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM

AND SO DO I, DAN.
A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM
LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN

A LAKER SKYTRAIN FLIGHT FROM
LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN
HIJACKED.

LONDON TO NEW YORK HAS BEEN
HIJACKED.
AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST

HIJACKED.
AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST
GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE

AN ECONOMY-MINDED TERRORIST
GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE
BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN

GROUP WHO CALL THEMSELVES THE
BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN
UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET

BUDGETEERS ARE DEMANDING $100 IN
UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET
AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY

UNMARKED NICKELS, BLANKET
AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY
FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO

AMNESTY FOR THOSE WITH LIBRARY
FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO
SCRANTON.

FINES, AND FREE BUS PASSAGE TO
SCRANTON.
THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN

SCRANTON.
THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN
NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON

THE SKYJACKERS ARE NOW IN
NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON
POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON

NEGOTIATION WITH PINKERTON
POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON
THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.

POLICE, AND WE'LL HAVE MORE ON
THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.
[TAPPING]

THIS STORY AS IT DEVELOPS.
[TAPPING]
UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC

[TAPPING]
UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC
DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING

UH, WE HAVE THE, UH, NBC
DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING
IN NOW.

DANCING "N," OF COURSE, COMING
IN NOW.
I GUESS THIS MUST BE AN URGENT

IN NOW.
I GUESS THIS MUST BE AN URGENT
BULLETIN.

THAT WAS THE NBC DANCING "N," OF
COURSE.
WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE

COURSE.
WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE
IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED

WE HAVE AN URGENT BULLETIN HERE
IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED
AWAY.

IF I CAN JUST GET STRAIGHTENED
AWAY.
A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT

AWAY.
A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT
MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO

A MEDICAL RESEARCH TEAM AT
MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO
REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A

MOUNT SINAI HOSPITAL HAS PUT TO
REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A
COLD, STARVE A FEVER."

REST THAT OLD ADAGE "FEED A
COLD, STARVE A FEVER."
THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU

COLD, STARVE A FEVER."
THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU
SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER,

THAT'S THE VERY LEAST YOU
SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER,
EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE

SHOULD DO TO THE FEVER,
EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE
HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A

EXPLAINED A SPOKESMAN FOR THE
HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A
SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE

HOSPITAL, SUGGESTING THAT A
SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE
MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND

SOUNDER, MORE USEFUL ADVICE
MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND
STRANGLE A FEVER."

MIGHT BE, "FEED A COLD, RAPE AND
STRANGLE A FEVER."
YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO

STRANGLE A FEVER."
YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO
SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A

YOU KNOW, MY GRANDMOTHER USED TO
SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A
CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER."

SAY, "SWALLOW A COLD AND TAKE A
CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER."
SO DID MINE.

CHAIN SAW TO A FEVER."
SO DID MINE.
WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE

SO DID MINE.
WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE

WELL, IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE
THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE
THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT

THAT IT'S BEEN TWO DECADES SINCE
THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT
IT'S TRUE.

THE ADVENT OF THE SPACE AGE, BUT
IT'S TRUE.
THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th

IT'S TRUE.
THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th
ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH

THIS TUESDAY MARKED THE 20th
ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH
OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND

ANNIVERSARY OF RUSSIA'S LAUNCH
OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A

OF ITS SPUTNIK SATELLITE, AND
"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A
FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" HAS OBTAINED A
FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH.
CAN WE ROLL THAT TAPE, PLEASE?

FILM OF THAT HISTORIC LAUNCH.
CAN WE ROLL THAT TAPE, PLEASE?
[PATRIOTIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

OH, BOY. OH, BOY.
[SPEAKING RUSSIAN]

THANKS.
THANKS A LOT.
IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S

THANKS A LOT.
IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S
BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN

IN COMMEMORATION OF GALILEO'S
BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN
COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED

BIRTHDAY, A GROUP OF ITALIAN
COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED
ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE

COLLEGE STUDENTS DEMONSTRATED
ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE
POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A

ONE OF THE ASTRONOMER'S MORE
POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A
TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL

POPULAR THEORIES BY DROPPING A
TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL
WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE

TRUCK AND A MAN OF UNEQUAL
WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE
TOP OF A BUILDING.

WEIGHT SIMULTANEOUSLY FROM THE
TOP OF A BUILDING.
AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY

TOP OF A BUILDING.
AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY
LANDED AT THE SAME TIME.

AND TO NO ONE'S SURPRISE, THEY
LANDED AT THE SAME TIME.
SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO.

LANDED AT THE SAME TIME.
SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO.
JOAN.

SMART MAN... THAT GALILEO.
JOAN.
INDEED HE WAS, DAN.

JOAN.
INDEED HE WAS, DAN.
AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED

INDEED HE WAS, DAN.
AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED
STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS

AND IN ANOTHER SCIENCE-RELATED
STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS
THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB

STORY, A SPIDER MADE THE NEWS
THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB
THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE

THIS WEEK WHEN HE SPUN A WEB
THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE
JOHN DENVER'S SON.

THAT LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE
JOHN DENVER'S SON.
AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS

JOHN DENVER'S SON.
AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS
WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW.

AND NOW BILL MURRAY WITH THIS
WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW.
BILL?

WEEK'S "WEEKEND UPDATE" REVIEW.
BILL?
THANKS, JANE.

BILL?
THANKS, JANE.
HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.

THANKS, JANE.
HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.
GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT.

HELLO, ALL YOU KNUCKLEHEADS.
GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT.
TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING

GET OUT OF HERE. I MEAN IT.
TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING
THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW,

TONIGHT I'M GONNA BE REVIEWING
THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW,
SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE.

THE NEW "DONNY & MARIE" SHOW,
SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN

SPECIFICALLY THE NEW MARIE.
UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE

UNFORTUNATELY, I HAVEN'T SEEN
THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE
PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF

THE SHOW YET, SO I ASKED THE
PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF
THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL,

PRODUCERS TO SEND ME A TAPE OF
THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL,
WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR

THE SHOW, AND THEY SAID, "WELL,
WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR
REVIEW'S GONNA BE."

WE HAVE TO KNOW WHAT YOUR
REVIEW'S GONNA BE."
WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T

REVIEW'S GONNA BE."
WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T
OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS.

WELL, BILL MURRAY DOESN'T
OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS.
I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR

OPERATE THAT WAY, FELLAS.
I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR
A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE.

I WILL NOT COMPROMISE MYSELF FOR
A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE.
DO YOU GET ME?

A PIECE OF VIDEOTAPE.
DO YOU GET ME?
SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT.

DO YOU GET ME?
SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT.
GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY.

SORRY. IT'S THE WAY I'M BUILT.
GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY.
LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV

GET OUT OF HERE. I'M SORRY.
LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV
INDUSTRY.

LOOK, FELLAS, WE'RE THE TV
INDUSTRY.
WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE

INDUSTRY.
WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE
DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL.

WE MAKE IT AS A GROUP, OR WE
DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL.
AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP

DON'T MAKE IT AT ALL.
AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP
THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN

AND IF YOU THINK YOU CAN KEEP
THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE... UNH-UNH.

THE TRUTH FROM THE AMERICAN
PEOPLE... UNH-UNH.
THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT.

PEOPLE... UNH-UNH.
THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT.
THE APPLAUSE LIGHT.

THEY'RE TOO BRIGHT FOR THAT.
THE APPLAUSE LIGHT.
COULD YOU HIT IT?

THE APPLAUSE LIGHT.
COULD YOU HIT IT?
HIT THE LIGHT.

COULD YOU HIT IT?
HIT THE LIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

HIT THE LIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.

THANK YOU.
YOU'RE TOO KIND.
I MEAN IT.

YOU'RE TOO KIND.
I MEAN IT.
THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE

I MEAN IT.
THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE
HEART.

THIS IS ME TALKING NOW, FROM THE
HEART.
COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV.

HEART.
COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV.
IT'S GREAT. OKAY.

COME ON. LET'S HEAR IT FOR TV.
IT'S GREAT. OKAY.
HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU?

IT'S GREAT. OKAY.
HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU?
YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE,

HEY, LITTLE GIRL, WHO ARE YOU?
YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.

YOU'RE TOO CUTE TO BE TRUE,
THAT'S FOR SURE.
REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE

THAT'S FOR SURE.
REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE
OUR HEARTS?

REMEMBER WHEN SHE FIRST BROKE
OUR HEARTS?
A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER

OUR HEARTS?
A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER
BROTHERS.

A LITTLE PROTECTED BY HER OLDER
BROTHERS.
SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T

BROTHERS.
SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T
IT?

SEEMS LIKE YESTERDAY, DOESN'T
IT?
WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS.

IT?
WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS.
I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF

WHAT VITALITY, WHAT FRESHNESS.
I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF
THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS

I'VE BEEN A ONE-MAN FAN CLUB OF
THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS
I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR

THAT LITTLE THING FOR AS LONG AS
I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR
SOMETHING'S HAPPENED.

I CAN REMEMBER, BUT THIS YEAR
SOMETHING'S HAPPENED.
IT STARTED IN THE TRADE

SOMETHING'S HAPPENED.
IT STARTED IN THE TRADE
PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS

IT STARTED IN THE TRADE
PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS
GONNA BE A NEW MARIE.

PAPERS... RUMORS THAT THERE WAS
GONNA BE A NEW MARIE.
WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT

GONNA BE A NEW MARIE.
WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT
FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE

WE WERE ALL A LITTLE BIT
FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE
TRAGIC TRUTH.

FRIGHTENED, AND THEN WE SAW THE
TRAGIC TRUTH.
YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL?

TRAGIC TRUTH.
YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT

YES. WHO IS THIS GIRL?
IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT
COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT

IS SHE STILL A LITTLE BIT
COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT
ROCK 'N' ROLL.

COUNTRY TO DONNY'S A LITTLE BIT
ROCK 'N' ROLL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL

ROCK 'N' ROLL.
WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL
MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT

WELL, YOU KNOW, I TRIED TO CALL
MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT
THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER.

MARIE TO TALK WITH HER ABOUT
THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER.
SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN

THIS BUT COULDN'T GET HER.
SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN
THE PHONE BOOK.

SUPPOSEDLY SHE'S "NOT LISTED" IN
THE PHONE BOOK.
OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME.

THE PHONE BOOK.
OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME.
BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING

OKAY, MARIE. DON'T TALK TO ME.
BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING
BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY

BUT I'VE GOT TO SAY SOMETHING
BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY
HEART THE SIZE OF

BEFORE I DIE WITH A ROCK IN MY
HEART THE SIZE OF
MOUNT RUSHMORE.

HEART THE SIZE OF
MOUNT RUSHMORE.
I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT

MOUNT RUSHMORE.
I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT
CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU

I READ IN TV GUIDE THAT YOU GOT
CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU
NOW.

CHER'S DESIGNER DRESSING YOU
NOW.
HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL.

NOW.
HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING

HONEY, LISTEN TO BILL.
HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING
ABOUT.

HE KNOWS WHAT HE'S TALKING
ABOUT.
CHER BONO IS A STAR.

ABOUT.
CHER BONO IS A STAR.
SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT

CHER BONO IS A STAR.
SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT
SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT.

SHE KNOWS THAT, AND I KNOW THAT
SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT.
BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR,

SHE KNOWS I KNOW THAT.
BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR,
WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS

BUT MARIE OSMOND IS A SUPERSTAR,
WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS
CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU.

WHATEVER THAT IS, AND CHER IS
CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU.
NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER,

CHER, AND YOU ARE YOU.
NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER,
HUH?

NOW, DO YOU WANT TO BE CHER,
HUH?
YOU WANT TO WORK WITH

HUH?
YOU WANT TO WORK WITH
SONNY BONO?

YOU WANT TO WORK WITH
SONNY BONO?
THINK ABOUT IT.

SONNY BONO?
THINK ABOUT IT.
SONNY AND MARIE?

THINK ABOUT IT.
SONNY AND MARIE?
SONNY AND MARIE?

SONNY AND MARIE?
SONNY AND MARIE?
IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.

SONNY AND MARIE?
IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.
NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE.

IT'S A HORRIFYING THOUGHT.
NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE.
JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL

NO! NO! PLEASE, NO, MARIE.
JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL
HANG OUT.

JUST BE MARIE AND LET IT ALL
HANG OUT.
THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M

HANG OUT.
THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M
WEARING TONIGHT.

THIS IS NOT A CHER BUTTON I'M
WEARING TONIGHT.
IT'S A MARIE BUTTON.

WEARING TONIGHT.
IT'S A MARIE BUTTON.
FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS

IT'S A MARIE BUTTON.
FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS
YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF

FINALLY, WITH ALL THOSE BROTHERS
YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF
PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT

YOU'VE GOT, YOU'VE GOT A LOT OF
PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT
THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN

PEOPLE GIVING YOU ADVICE, BUT
THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN
LISTEN TO... DONNY.

THERE'S ONLY ONE PERSON YOU CAN
LISTEN TO... DONNY.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN

LISTEN TO... DONNY.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN
THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO'S BEEN
THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
THROUGH, HONEY.

THROUGH WHAT YOU'VE BEEN
THROUGH, HONEY.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.

THROUGH, HONEY.
HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.
LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO

HE'S THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS.
LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO
HIM.

LOVE HIM, TRUST HIM, LISTEN TO
HIM.
YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S

HIM.
YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S
DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES

YEARS FROM NOW WHEN CHER'S
DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES
OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND

DESIGNER IS DOING ROAD COMPANIES
OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND
WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE...

OF "HELLO, DOLLY," DONNY OSMOND
WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE...
AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN

WILL STILL BE AT YOUR SIDE...
AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN
IT.

AND SO WILL I, MARIE, AND I MEAN
IT.
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE

IT.
GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE
KNUCKLEHEAD.

GET OUT OF HERE, YOU CUTE LITTLE
KNUCKLEHEAD.
GO HAVE SOME FUN.

KNUCKLEHEAD.
GO HAVE SOME FUN.
BILL MURRAY.

GO HAVE SOME FUN.
BILL MURRAY.
OVER TO YOU, DAN.

BILL MURRAY.
OVER TO YOU, DAN.
GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

EVANGELIST BILLY GRAHAM THIS
WEEK PREDICTED HE WILL DIE
WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN,

WEEK PREDICTED HE WILL DIE
WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN,
AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY.

WITHIN 10 YEARS, GO TO HEAVEN,
AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY.
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE

AND MEET ELVIS PRESLEY.
ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE
NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR

ALMOST IMMEDIATELY, THE THREE
NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR
TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT.

NETWORKS BEGAN BIDDING FOR
TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT.
THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP

TELEVISION RIGHTS TO THE EVENT.
THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP
BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING

THE DEAL WAS FINALLY LOCKED UP
BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING
COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS

BY THE AMERICAN BROADCASTING
COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS
PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE

COMPANY, WHICH SAID IT WAS
PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE
MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO

PREPARED TO KILL AN ENTIRE
MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO
HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC

MOBILE-UNIT CREW AND SEND IT TO
HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC
MEETING.

HEAVEN TO COVER THIS HISTORIC
MEETING.
BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY

MEETING.
BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY
IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON

BUDDY CARTER WAS PROPERLY
IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON
BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON

IDENTIFIED AS BILLY CARTER'S SON
BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON
"TO TELL THE TRUTH."

BY ALL FOUR PANELISTS ON
"TO TELL THE TRUTH."
AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS

"TO TELL THE TRUTH."
AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS
WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW,

AFTERWARDS, THE IMPOSTERS, AS
WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW,
ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS

WELL AS THE STAFF OF THE SHOW,
ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS
WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME

ALL AGREED THAT THE PANELISTS
WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME
IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER

WOULD HAVE HAD A HARDER TIME
IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER
NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE

IDENTIFYING BUDDY HAD HIS FATHER
NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE
ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM.

NOT STOOD BEHIND DURING THE
ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM.
HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN

ENTIRE COURSE OF THE PROGRAM.
HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN
THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN

HERE'S THE LATEST DEVELOPMENT IN
THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN
FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA.

THAT CONTINUING STORY WE'VE BEEN
FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA.
COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE

FOLLOWING OUT OF BURMA.
COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE
THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE

COMING BACK TO MANDALAY, WHERE
THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE
DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT

THE FLYING FISHES PLAY AND THE
DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT
OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY.

DAWN COMES UP LIKE THUNDER OUT
OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

OF CHINA ACROSS THE BAY.
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.
THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT?

DEVELOPS.
THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT?
OH.

THAT'S ROD McKUEN, ISN'T IT?
OH.
I DON'T KNOW.

OH.
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A

I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A
GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER

WELL, TODAY IS THE BIRTHDAY OF A
GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER
OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO

GOOD FRIEND OF OURS, AS A MATTER
OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO
OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND

OF FACT... A GUY WHO USED TO
OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE."

OCCUPY THIS CHAIR ON "WEEKEND
UPDATE."
THAT'S RIGHT.

UPDATE."
THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY.

THAT'S RIGHT.
IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY.
[APPLAUSE]

IT'S CHEVY CHASE'S BIRTHDAY.
[APPLAUSE]
AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU

[APPLAUSE]
AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU
KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY.

AND, UH, WE JUST WANT TO, YOU
KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY.
WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY.

KNOW, SAY WE MISS YOU, CHEVY.
WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY.
WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM

WE LOVE YOU, CHEVY.
WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM
ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th.

WE'D JUST LIKE TO SAY FROM
ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th.
THAT'S THE NEWS.

ALL OF US, HAVE A HAPPY 37th.
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT.

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT.
HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
I'M DAN AYKROYD.

HAVE A PLEASANT TOMORROW.
I'M DAN AYKROYD.
I'M JANE CURTIN.

I'M DAN AYKROYD.
I'M JANE CURTIN.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

I'M JANE CURTIN.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA

WAS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER A FIFTIETH OF

NIGHT NEWS, KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER A FIFTIETH OF
A CENTURY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS IN THE
ARMY, THERE WAS A GUY IN OUR
OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY

ARMY, THERE WAS A GUY IN OUR
OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY
WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR

OUTFIT... A QUIET, LITTLE GUY
WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR
EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER

WHO ALWAYS HAD A KIND WORD FOR
EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER
WENT TO CHURCH.

EVERYBODY, AND THIS GUY NEVER
WENT TO CHURCH.
INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY

WENT TO CHURCH.
INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY
SUNDAY MORNING.

INSTEAD, HE'D GO BOWLING EVERY
SUNDAY MORNING.
SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW

SUNDAY MORNING.
SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW
HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED,

SO, ONE DAY THE CHAPLAIN SAW
HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED,
"SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON

HIM, AND HE WENT OVER AND ASKED,
"SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON
THE LORD'S DAY?"

"SOLDIER, WHY ARE YOU BOWLING ON
THE LORD'S DAY?"
THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED,

THE LORD'S DAY?"
THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED,
AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.

THE LITTLE GUY SORT OF SMILED,
AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.
♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING

AND THIS IS WHAT HE SAID.
♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING
ALLEY ♪

♪ LIFE IS LIKE A BOWLING
ALLEY ♪
♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A

ALLEY ♪
♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A
SLOW ♪

♪ THERE'S A FAST LANE AND A
SLOW ♪
♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN

SLOW ♪
♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN
WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪

♪ AND A SCORESHEET UP IN HEAVEN
WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪
AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A

WHICH RECORDS THE DEEDS BELOW ♪
AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A
THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST

AH, DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT A
THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST
BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY?

THRILL IT WAS WHEN THAT FIRST
BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY?
AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING

BALL CREPT DOWN THE ALLEY?
AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING
MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL

AND BY SOME WONDROUS AND AMAZING
MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL
THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE

MIRACLE, YOU KNOCKED OVER ALL
THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE
MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE

THE PINS AND YOU FELT JUST LIKE
MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE
YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE

MR. DICK WEBER HIMSELF, BECAUSE
YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE
YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE

YOU JUST TOOK 'EM OUT, BECAUSE
YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE
YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST

YOU JUST CUT 'EM DOWN, BECAUSE
YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST
STRIKE.

YOU JUST THREW YOUR VERY FIRST
STRIKE.
♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY

STRIKE.
♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY
WEEKEND ♪

♪ 'CAUSE YOU PRACTICE EVERY
WEEKEND ♪
♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪

WEEKEND ♪
♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪
♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG

♪ YOU ARE STARTING TO IMPROVE ♪
♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG
BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE

♪ NOW YOU LEARN TO THROW THE BIG
BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE
GROOVE ♪

BALL, AND YOUR HOOK IS IN THE
GROOVE ♪
♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH

GROOVE ♪
♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH
ALONE KNOWS ♪

♪ AND WITH A GRACE THAT YOUTH
ALONE KNOWS ♪
♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪

ALONE KNOWS ♪
♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪
♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM

♪ FORTUNE SMILES ON EVERY TRY ♪
♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM
AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING

♪ SOON YOU'RE BOWLING FOR A TEAM
AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING
HIGH ♪

AND GETTING WOOD AND SCORING
HIGH ♪
YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY,

HIGH ♪
YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY,
AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK

YES, BUT THE YEARS ROLL BY,
AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK
AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T

AND SOME DAYS THE LANES ARE DARK
AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T
HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS

AND DREARY, AND YOU JUST CAN'T
HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS
KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART

HIT THE POCKET, AND THE PINS
KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART
OF THE BUILDING.

KEEP STANDING LIKE THEY'RE PART
OF THE BUILDING.
WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY

OF THE BUILDING.
WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY
YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM

WHY, IT SEEMS LIKE ONLY
YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM
HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR

YESTERDAY YOU WERE SHOWING THEM
HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR
POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A

HOW IT'S DONE, AND NOW YOUR
POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A
POWDER PUFF.

POWERHOUSE HAS TURNED INTO A
POWDER PUFF.
BUT YOU DON'T QUIT.

POWDER PUFF.
BUT YOU DON'T QUIT.
YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND

BUT YOU DON'T QUIT.
YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND
YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND

YOU PICK UP THE OLD APPLE, AND
YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND
WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING

YOU GIVE IT ALL YOU'VE GOT, AND
WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING
AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF

WHEN THE MAPLE STOPS SPINNING
AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF
LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT

AROUND, YOU FIND YOURSELF
LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT
BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS,

LOOKING DOWN THE ALLEY AT
BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS,
TELEPHONE POLES.

BEDPOSTS, SNAKE EYES, MULE EARS,
TELEPHONE POLES.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE

TELEPHONE POLES.
IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE
7-10 SPLIT.

IN OTHER WORDS, THE IMPOSSIBLE
7-10 SPLIT.
AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR

7-10 SPLIT.
AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR
BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND

AND SO YOU ASK HIM TO GUIDE YOUR
BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND
YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN

BALL, BUT YOU MISS, ANYWAY, AND
YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN
BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING

YOU START TO LOSE YOUR FAITH IN
BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING
SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF.

BOWLING AND BEGIN THINKING
SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF.
♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE

SERIOUSLY ABOUT TAKING UP GOLF.
♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE
GUTTER ♪

♪ IF YOU END UP IN THE
GUTTER ♪
♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T

GUTTER ♪
♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T
FEEL SORROW ♪

♪ DON'T FEEL SHAME AND DON'T
FEEL SORROW ♪
♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR

FEEL SORROW ♪
♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR
AVERAGE ♪

♪ YOU CAN ALWAYS UP YOUR
AVERAGE ♪
♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪

AVERAGE ♪
♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL

♪ YOU CAN BOWL AGAIN TOMORROW ♪
♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL
GROWS HEAVY ♪

♪ 'CAUSE ALL TOO SOON THE BALL
GROWS HEAVY ♪
♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING

GROWS HEAVY ♪
♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING
GRAY ♪

♪ AND YOUR HAIR IS GETTING
GRAY ♪
♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT

GRAY ♪
♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT
FALTER ♪

♪ AND TO TREMBLE FEET THAT
FALTER ♪
♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪

FALTER ♪
♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪
♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE

♪ AND IT DOESN'T HELP TO PRAY ♪
♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE
HEADPIN ♪

♪ YOU CAN BARELY SEE THE
HEADPIN ♪
♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT

HEADPIN ♪
♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT
GAMES ♪

♪ GONE ARE HOPES OF PERFECT
GAMES ♪
♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR

GAMES ♪
♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR
SCORECARD ♪

♪ AS YOU LOOK BACK ON YOUR
SCORECARD ♪
♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪

SCORECARD ♪
♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪
AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP

♪ EMPTY DREAMS AND OPEN FRAMES ♪
AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP
IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER

AND THEN ONE DAY YOU WAKE UP
IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER
YOU EVER SAW.

IN THE BIGGEST BOWLING CENTER
YOU EVER SAW.
THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE

YOU EVER SAW.
THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE
MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN

THE BALLS ARE SILVER LIKE THE
MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN
LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL

MOON, AND THE PINS ARE GOLDEN
LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL
LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS

LIKE THE SUN, AND THE FOUL
LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS
THE MILKY WAY.

LINE... WELL, THE FOUL LINE IS
THE MILKY WAY.
YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM

THE MILKY WAY.
YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM
ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD,

YES, YOU RENT YOUR SHOES FROM
ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD,
TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD

ANGELS, AND THEY FIT REAL GOOD,
TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD
OF ADVICE.

TOO, BUT, FRIEND, JUST ONE WORD
OF ADVICE.
THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN

OF ADVICE.
THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN
HEAVEN.

THERE AIN'T NO BEER FRAME IN
HEAVEN.
♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS

HEAVEN.
♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS
BEHIND YOU ♪

♪ LEAVE ALL DOUBTS AND FEARS
BEHIND YOU ♪
♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪

BEHIND YOU ♪
♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪
♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU

♪ SAY GOODBYE TO EARTHLY WOES ♪
♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪

♪ AS THE VEIL IS LIFTED AND YOU
LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES

LEARN THE SECRETS OF THE PROS ♪
♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES
LIKE THUNDER ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL BE THROWING STRIKES
LIKE THUNDER ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE

LIKE THUNDER ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE
RAIN ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE SPLASHING PINS LIKE
RAIN ♪
♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A

RAIN ♪
♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A
RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪

♪ WINNING TROPHIES MAKE A
RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪
♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪

RAINBOW ON AN EVERLASTING LANE ♪
♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪
♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪

♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪
♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE

♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE
MASTER ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE
MASTER ♪
♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪

MASTER ♪
♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪
♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪

♪ BUT THE MASTER ALWAYS WINS ♪
♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪
♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪

♪ IN AN ALABASTER ALLEY ♪
♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE

♪ SILVER BALLS AND GOLDEN PINS ♪
♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE
MASTER ♪

♪ YOU'LL BE BOWLING WITH THE
MASTER ♪
♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪

MASTER ♪
♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪
♪ ALWAYS ♪

♪ BUT THE MASTER ♪
♪ ALWAYS ♪
♪ WINS ♪

♪ ALWAYS ♪
♪ WINS ♪
♪ HE ALWAYS WINS ♪

NOW, UH, WE WANT YOU BOTH TO
UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A VERY
UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED

UNDERSTAND THAT THIS IS A VERY
UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED
TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH

UNUSUAL THING, BUT WE'VE DECIDED
TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH
OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST

TO HEAR YOU BOTH TO DECIDE WHICH
OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST
REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF

OF YOU WILL GET THE LAST
REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF
'81.

REMAINING PLACE IN THE CLASS OF
'81.
MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD

'81.
MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD
ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE

MR. JAMAL, I THINK I SHOULD
ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE
ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR

ALREADY TELL YOU THAT WE HAVE
ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR
SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT

ALREADY ACCEPTED YOU UNDER OUR
SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT
MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT

SPECIAL-ADMISSIONS PROGRAM, BUT
MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT
ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE

MR. CRAIG BAKER, WHO IS NOT
ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE
THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF

ACCEPTED, IS THREATENING TO SUE
THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF
REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.

THE UNIVERSITY ON GROUNDS OF
REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.
MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

REVERSE DISCRIMINATION.
MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE

MR. BAKER, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE
COMMITTEE?

EXPLAIN YOUR POSITION TO THE
COMMITTEE?
WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER.

COMMITTEE?
WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER.
AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL

WITH PLEASURE, DEAN ARCHER.
AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL
ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE

AS YOU KNOW, LAW SCHOOL
ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE
GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE

ADMISSIONS ARE BASED ON THE
GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE
LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC

GRADE-POINT AVERAGES AND THE
LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC
APTITUDE TEST.

LSAT... THE LAW SCHOLASTIC
APTITUDE TEST.
NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A.

APTITUDE TEST.
NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A.
IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE

NOW, I MAINTAIN A 3.1 A.G.P.A.
IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE
HAD A 2.95.

IN COLLEGE, WHILE MR. JAMAL HERE
HAD A 2.95.
I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND

HAD A 2.95.
I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND
MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492,

I SCORED A 153 ON THE LSATs, AND
MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492,
DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING

MR. JAMAL HAD AN INFERIOR 492,
DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING
THE TEST READ TO HIM.

DESPITE THE ADVANTAGE OF HAVING
THE TEST READ TO HIM.
SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT

THE TEST READ TO HIM.
SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT
WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE

SO IF YOU ACCEPT MR. JAMAL, IT
WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE
DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE.

WILL SIMPLY BE A CASE OF REVERSE
DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE.
MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL

DISCRIMINATION, AND I WILL SUE.
MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL
QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION

MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL
QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION
PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED

QUALIFIED FOR THE ADMISSION
PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED
BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR

PROGRAM FOR THE DISADVANTAGED
BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR
MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED.

BECAUSE HE IS BOTH A POOR
MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED.
YEAH. RIGHT.

MINORITY AND HANDICAPPED.
YEAH. RIGHT.
BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW.

YEAH. RIGHT.
BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW.
MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE

BUT I MAJORED IN PRELAW.
MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE
DISCRIMINATION.

MY SENIOR PAPER WAS ON REVERSE
DISCRIMINATION.
I KNOW MY SUBJECT.

DISCRIMINATION.
I KNOW MY SUBJECT.
I'M A DEBATER.

I KNOW MY SUBJECT.
I'M A DEBATER.
LOOK AT THIS BOX.

I'M A DEBATER.
LOOK AT THIS BOX.
MR. JAMAL?

LOOK AT THIS BOX.
MR. JAMAL?
HUH?

MR. JAMAL?
HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?

HUH?
WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?
WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER.
YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE

WELL, I AGREE WITH MR. BAKER.
YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE
MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT

YOU KNOW, I UNDERSTAND WHAT HE
MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT
GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY

MEANS, BUT I DON'T THINK THAT
GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY
CRITERIA.

GRADES SHOULD BE THE ONLY
CRITERIA.
YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT

CRITERIA.
YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT
DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART

YOU KNOW, MY GRADES WERE BROUGHT
DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART
APPRECIATION.

DOWN BY THE "D" I MADE IN ART
APPRECIATION.
YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE

APPRECIATION.
YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE
DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES

YOU SEE, I CAN TELL THE
DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES
BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE

DIFFERENCE IN THE BRUSHSTROKES
BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE
IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED

BETWEEN THE FLEMISH AND THE
IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED
SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW?

IMPRESSIONISTS, BUT THEY USED
SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW?
AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON

SLIDES ON THE TEST, YOU KNOW?
AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON
SCULPTURE, THOUGH.

AND, UH, I DID PRETTY GOOD ON
SCULPTURE, THOUGH.
I DID.

SCULPTURE, THOUGH.
I DID.
MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT

I DID.
MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED

MR. JAMAL, IT SAYS HERE THAT
YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED
14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS

YOU ARE AN ORPHAN AND SUPPORTED
14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS
WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH

14 YOUNGER BROTHERS AND SISTERS
WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH
COLLEGE.

WHILE WORKING YOUR WAY THROUGH
COLLEGE.
WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE?

COLLEGE.
WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE?
I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A

WHAT TYPE OF A JOB DID YOU HAVE?
I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A
BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER.

I WAS A PROOFREADER FOR A
BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER.
WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH

BRAILLE BOOK PUBLISHER.
WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH
TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D

WELL, IF YOU SPENT SO MUCH
TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D
HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs.

TIME READING, YOU'D THINK YOU'D
HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs.
WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH

HAVE DONE BETTER ON THE LSATs.
WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH
DECISION.

WELL, THIS IS REALLY A TOUGH
DECISION.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A

DECISION.
WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A
MINUTE, GENTLEMEN?

WOULD YOU EXCUSE US FOR A
MINUTE, GENTLEMEN?
I DON'T KNOW, FRANK.

MINUTE, GENTLEMEN?
I DON'T KNOW, FRANK.
I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE

I DON'T KNOW, FRANK.
I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE
THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF

I CERTAINLY DON'T WANT TO SEE
THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF
THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE.

THE LAW SCHOOL GO TO COURT IF
THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE.
IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND

THIS BOY WANTS TO SUE.
IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND
TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE

IT COULD COST A LOT OF MONEY AND
TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE
INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT

TIME, AND I DON'T THINK THE
INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT
THROUGH IT.

INSTITUTION SHOULD BE PUT
THROUGH IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT.

THROUGH IT.
YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT.
WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE.

YOU'RE RIGHT, EMMETT.
WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE.
OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL.

WE REALLY HAVE NO CHOICE HERE.
OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL.
THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.

OKAY, MR. BAKER, MR. JAMAL.
THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.
WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO

THIS IS VERY DIFFICULT.
WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO
STUDENTS.

WE HAVE TO CHOOSE BETWEEN TWO
STUDENTS.
ONE HAS BETTER GRADES.

STUDENTS.
ONE HAS BETTER GRADES.
THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE

ONE HAS BETTER GRADES.
THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE
DISADVANTAGES.

THE OTHER HAS OVERCOME SEVERE
DISADVANTAGES.
AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK.

DISADVANTAGES.
AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK.
HUH?

AND, OF COURSE, BOTH ARE BLACK.
HUH?
BOTH BLACK?

HUH?
BOTH BLACK?
YES.

BOTH BLACK?
YES.
A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED.

YES.
A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED.
ARE YOU A BROTHER?

A VERY TOUGH CHOICE, INDEED.
ARE YOU A BROTHER?
ARE YOU A BROTHER?

ARE YOU A BROTHER?
ARE YOU A BROTHER?
UH, YEAH. YEAH.

ARE YOU A BROTHER?
UH, YEAH. YEAH.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

UH, YEAH. YEAH.
OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.

OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YEAH.

I DIDN'T KNOW THAT.
YEAH.
OH.

YEAH.
OH.
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE

OH.
WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE
IT TO CHANCE, I THINK.

WE MIGHT AS WELL JUST LEAVE
IT TO CHANCE, I THINK.
MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR

IT TO CHANCE, I THINK.
MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR
TWO FINGERS.

MR. JAMAL, I'M HOLDING UP ONE OR
TWO FINGERS.
WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN?

TWO FINGERS.
WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN?
UH.

WHICH IS IT, ODD OR EVEN?
UH.
EVEN.

UH.
EVEN.
SORRY, IT'S ODD.

EVEN.
SORRY, IT'S ODD.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER.

SORRY, IT'S ODD.
CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER.
THANKS.

CONGRATULATIONS, MR. BAKER.
THANKS.
AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD.

THANKS.
AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD.
YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.

AND I WAS GONNA SAY ODD.
YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN,

YOU PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN,
FOR YOUR TIME.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN,
FOR YOUR TIME.
WE APPRECIATE IT.

FOR YOUR TIME.
WE APPRECIATE IT.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER

WE APPRECIATE IT.
GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER
WHAT YOU DO.

GOOD LUCK TO YOU BOTH, NO MATTER
WHAT YOU DO.
WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING.

WHAT YOU DO.
WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING.
WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T

WE'VE GOT ANOTHER MEETING.
WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T
GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE

WELL, SORRY WE BOTH COULDN'T
GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE
BREAKS.

GET IN, BUT THOSE ARE THE
BREAKS.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE

BREAKS.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE
YOU'RE A BROTHER.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, SINCE
YOU'RE A BROTHER.
YEAH. RIGHT ON.

YOU'RE A BROTHER.
YEAH. RIGHT ON.
WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A

YEAH. RIGHT ON.
WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A
RIDE TO THE BUS STOP?

WELL, UH, CAN I TAKE YOU FOR A
RIDE TO THE BUS STOP?
OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

RIDE TO THE BUS STOP?
OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM

OH, NO. THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM
OAKLAND.

MY BROTHERS BROUGHT ME IN FROM
OAKLAND.
THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE

OAKLAND.
THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE
CAR.

THEY'RE WAITING OUTSIDE IN THE
CAR.
AHMED, MALCOLM!

CAR.
AHMED, MALCOLM!
HOW'D IT GO, MAN?

AHMED, MALCOLM!
HOW'D IT GO, MAN?
OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT

HOW'D IT GO, MAN?
OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT
MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT

OH, NOT TOO GOOD, MAN, BUT
MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT
INTO LAW SCHOOL.

MEET THE BROTHER WHO MADE IT
INTO LAW SCHOOL.
BROTHER? HIM?

INTO LAW SCHOOL.
BROTHER? HIM?
YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER.

BROTHER? HIM?
YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER.
YEAH, SURE.

YEAH, HEY, I'M A BROTHER.
YEAH, SURE.
RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS.

YEAH, SURE.
RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS.
I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT.

RIGHT ON, TEMPTATIONS.
I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT.
I'M AN OCTOROON.

I'M AN OCTOROON. THAT'S IT.
I'M AN OCTOROON.
REALLY.

I'M AN OCTOROON.
REALLY.
I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW

REALLY.
I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

I STAY OUT OF THE SUN, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
OH, REALLY.

WHAT I MEAN?
OH, REALLY.
I STUDY ALL THE TIME.

OH, REALLY.
I STUDY ALL THE TIME.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GOT

I STUDY ALL THE TIME.
IT LOOKS LIKE YOU JUST GOT
RIPPED OFF BY WHITEY AGAIN.

I'M FEELING GOOD.
FEELING VERY GOOD. YEAH.
SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT.

FEELING VERY GOOD. YEAH.
SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT.
A LITTLE BORING.

SUMMER WAS... SUMMER WAS HOT.
A LITTLE BORING.
WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A

A LITTLE BORING.
WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A
LITTLE CONFUSING.

WINTER... A LITTLE COLD, A
LITTLE CONFUSING.
SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT.

LITTLE CONFUSING.
SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT.
BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT...

SPRING... SPRING WAS ALL RIGHT.
BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT...
[HARMONICA BLOWING]

BUT, BOY, SOMETHING ABOUT...
[HARMONICA BLOWING]
[VOCALIZING]

OH.
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO
INVITING? ♪

♪ WHY DOES IT SEEMS SO
INVITING? ♪
[HARMONICA BLOWS]

INVITING? ♪
[HARMONICA BLOWS]
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

[HARMONICA BLOWS]
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF
FIRST-NIGHTING ♪

♪ IT SPELLS THE THRILL OF
FIRST-NIGHTING ♪
♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND

FIRST-NIGHTING ♪
♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND
SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF

♪ GLITTERING CROWDS AND
SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF
STEEL ♪

SHIMMERING CLOUDS IN CANYONS OF
STEEL ♪
♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪

STEEL ♪
♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪
♪ I'M HOME ♪

♪ THEY'RE MAKING ME FEEL ♪
♪ I'M HOME ♪
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

♪ I'M HOME ♪
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF
NEW LOVE ♪

♪ IT BRINGS THE PROMISE OF
NEW LOVE ♪
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪

NEW LOVE ♪
♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪
HEY.

♪ IS OFTEN MINGLED WITH PAIN ♪
HEY.
♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪

HEY.
♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪
♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪

♪ DREAMERS WITH EMPTY HANDS ♪
♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪
[HARMONICA BLOWING]

♪ MAY SIGH FOR EXOTIC LANDS ♪
[HARMONICA BLOWING]
[VOCALIZING]

♪ AUTUMN IN NEW YORK ♪
♪ IT'S GOOD TO LIVE IT ♪
♪ AGAIN ♪

THE BEST I'VE EVER SEEN YOU
PLAY, SALLY.
YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND

PLAY, SALLY.
YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND
SELF-ASSURED TODAY.

YOU SEEMED SO POISED AND
SELF-ASSURED TODAY.
THANKS, VICKIE.

SELF-ASSURED TODAY.
THANKS, VICKIE.
I AM.

THANKS, VICKIE.
I AM.
I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS

I AM.
I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS
POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF

I NEVER EVEN KNEW IT WAS
POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF
MYSELF AS A WOMAN.

POSSIBLE TO BE THIS SURE OF
MYSELF AS A WOMAN.
WHAT'S THAT?

MYSELF AS A WOMAN.
WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW

WHAT'S THAT?
OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW
WOMEN'S PRODUCT.

OH, IT'S THIS WONDERFUL, NEW
WOMEN'S PRODUCT.
I DON'T KNOW.

WOMEN'S PRODUCT.
I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND

I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND
SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT.

I'VE JUST BEEN SO CONFIDENT AND
SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT.
WHAT'S IT FOR?

SECURE SINCE I'VE HAD IT.
WHAT'S IT FOR?
CONFIDENCE.

WHAT'S IT FOR?
CONFIDENCE.
DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN

CONFIDENCE.
DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN
YOU?

DO YOU PUT IT ON YOU OR IN
YOU?
I GUESS SO.

YOU?
I GUESS SO.
IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION

I GUESS SO.
IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION
AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND?

IS IT WELCOME PROTECTION
AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND?
POSSIBLY.

AGAINST ODOR ALL YEAR 'ROUND?
POSSIBLY.
DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS?

POSSIBLY.
DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS?
MAYBE.

DOES IT COME IN FLAVORS?
MAYBE.
WHAT'S TWO AND TWO?

MAYBE.
WHAT'S TWO AND TWO?
FOUR.

WHAT'S TWO AND TWO?
FOUR.
JUST CHECKING.

FOUR.
JUST CHECKING.
WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?

JUST CHECKING.
WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?
I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, DOES IT HAVE A NAME?
I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT?

I DON'T KNOW.
WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT?
I DON'T KNOW.

WELL, HOW DO YOU OPEN IT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.
I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO

I HONESTLY DON'T KNOW.
I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO
FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY

I JUST KNOW I'VE NEVER FELT SO
FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY
WHOLE LIFE.

FEMININE OR SO PROTECTED IN MY
WHOLE LIFE.
SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND

WHOLE LIFE.
SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND
CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK

SO IF YOU WANT TO FEEL FRESH AND
CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK
FOR THE PINK BOX, WHEREVER IT

CONFIDENT ALL YEAR 'ROUND, LOOK
FOR THE PINK BOX, WHEREVER IT
MIGHT BE SOLD.

HAVING IT SOLVES THE PROBLEM OF
BEING WITHOUT IT.

WAS THE FIRST TO ADMIT IT.
HELLO, ROSS.
HOW YOU DOING?

HELLO, ROSS.
HOW YOU DOING?
I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN

HOW YOU DOING?
I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN
STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED.

I SAW YOU IN "RICHARD III" IN
STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED.
YOU REALLY STUNNED ME.

STRATFORD, AND YOU KILLED.
YOU REALLY STUNNED ME.
I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE,

YOU REALLY STUNNED ME.
I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE,
TOO.

I SAW YOU IN SOMETHING ELSE,
TOO.
WHAT WAS IT?

TOO.
WHAT WAS IT?
"MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND

WHAT WAS IT?
"MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND
THE REALM DINNER THEATER.

"MACBETH," THE MILL RACE AND
THE REALM DINNER THEATER.
NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN.

THE REALM DINNER THEATER.
NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN.
BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL.

NO, I THINK IT WAS BUFFERIN.
BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE

BUFFERIN COMMERCIAL.
YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE
YOU HAD A HEADACHE.

YOU KNOW, YOU REALLY LOOKED LIKE
YOU HAD A HEADACHE.
I REALLY BELIEVED IT.

YOU HAD A HEADACHE.
I REALLY BELIEVED IT.
IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME.

I REALLY BELIEVED IT.
IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME.
I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT

IT COMES NATURALLY TO ME.
I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT
SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN

I NEED YOU TO DUB A SHORT
SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN
FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE.

SCENE FROM A BIG EUROPEAN
FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE.
A EUROPEAN FEATURE?

FEATURE THAT'S COMING OVER HERE.
A EUROPEAN FEATURE?
OH, GOOD.

A EUROPEAN FEATURE?
OH, GOOD.
I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS

OH, GOOD.
I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS
SIMPLY DEAD.

I THINK THE AMERICA CINEMA IS
SIMPLY DEAD.
ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE

SIMPLY DEAD.
ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE
HAPPENING IN EUROPE.

ALL THE VIBRANT FILMS ARE
HAPPENING IN EUROPE.
WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN

HAPPENING IN EUROPE.
WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN
FILM.

WELL, THIS IS AN ITALIAN
FILM.
"HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS."

FILM.
"HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS."
I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE

"HERCULES MEETS ROMPULUS."
I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE
ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET

I'LL ROLL THE CLIP ONCE IN THE
ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET
A FEEL OF THE ACTION.

ORIGINAL ITALIAN SO YOU CAN GET
A FEEL OF THE ACTION.
AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK.

A FEEL OF THE ACTION.
AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK.
TRY ONE.

AND LET'S TAKE IT BACK.
TRY ONE.
OKAY, BOBBY.

TRY ONE.
OKAY, BOBBY.
[CHEERS]

OKAY, BOBBY.
[CHEERS]
[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

[SPEAKING ITALIAN]

OKAY, THANK YOU, BOBBY.
ROSS, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?

ROSS, HOW DO YOU FEEL?
YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?
WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES'

YOU WANT TO TRY ONE?
WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES'
VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE

WELL, I THINK THAT HERCULES'
VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE
CHARGED WITH A KIND OF

VOICE IN THIS SCENE SHOULD BE
CHARGED WITH A KIND OF
AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT?

CHARGED WITH A KIND OF
AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, FINE.

AGGRESSIVE DESPAIR, ALL RIGHT?
OKAY, FINE.
HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL.

OKAY, FINE.
HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL.
HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM.

HE'S SUCH A PROFESSIONAL.
HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM.
OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK.

HE'S PERFECTO. I LOVE HIM.
OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK.
REWIND IT AND REQUEUE, OKAY?

OKAY, BOBBY, LET'S ROLL IT BACK.
REWIND IT AND REQUEUE, OKAY?
[TAPE REWINDING]

OKAY, BOBBY.
LET'S PUT HER DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY?

LET'S PUT HER DOWN.
ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY?
SURE, I'LL TRY ONE.

ALL RIGHT, DO YOU SEEM READY?
SURE, I'LL TRY ONE.
OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS

SURE, I'LL TRY ONE.
OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS
ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP

OKAY, SLATE "HERCULES MEETS
ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP
16 TAKE 1.

ROMPULUS" SCENE 241 SOUND LOOP
16 TAKE 1.
[CHEERS]

16 TAKE 1.
[CHEERS]
[As Hercules] HAH!

[CHEERS]
[As Hercules] HAH!
IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN

[As Hercules] HAH!
IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN
CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES?

IS THERE NO ONE IN ROME WHO CAN
CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES?
[As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S

CHALLENGE THE GREAT HERCULES?
[As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S
ME, ROMPULUS.

[As Rompulus] HERCULES, IT'S
ME, ROMPULUS.
THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO

ME, ROMPULUS.
THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO
FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT

THE EMPEROR HAS CHOSEN ME TO
FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT
WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS.

FIGHT YOU BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT
WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS.
[As Hercules] ROMPULUS.

WE ARE GOOD FRIENDS.
[As Hercules] ROMPULUS.
ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU.

[As Hercules] ROMPULUS.
ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU.
[Female voice] STOP. STOP.

ROMPULUS, IT'S... IT'S YOU.
[Female voice] STOP. STOP.
STOP, YOU FOOLS.

[Female voice] STOP. STOP.
STOP, YOU FOOLS.
ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS?

STOP, YOU FOOLS.
ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS?
YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE

ARE YOU BOTH FOOLS?
YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE
THE WICKED EMPEROR.

YOU MUSTN'T FIGHT JUST TO PLEASE
THE WICKED EMPEROR.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS

THE WICKED EMPEROR.
HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS
YOUR GOOD FRIEND?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN THAT HE IS
YOUR GOOD FRIEND?
[As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT.

YOUR GOOD FRIEND?
[As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT.
BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST

[As Hercules] OF COURSE NOT.
BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST
FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE

BUT HERCULES AND ROMPULUS MUST
FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE
HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH!

FIGHT, OR THE EMPEROR WILL HAVE
HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH!
I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW

HIS ARCHERS KILL US BOTH!
I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW
IN MY BACK.

I'M NOT GONNA DIE WITH AN ARROW
IN MY BACK.
NO! NO! NO!

IN MY BACK.
NO! NO! NO!
[Female voice] IDIOTS!

NO! NO! NO!
[Female voice] IDIOTS!
LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER!

[Female voice] IDIOTS!
LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER!
WHAT DO I CARE?

LET THEM FIGHT EACH OTHER!
WHAT DO I CARE?
I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS.

WHAT DO I CARE?
I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS.
YES! YES, THAT'S IT!

I'LL FEED MYSELF TO THE LIONS.
YES! YES, THAT'S IT!
THE LIONS!

YES! YES, THAT'S IT!
THE LIONS!
ROSS...

THE LIONS!
ROSS...
OKAY, ROSS.

ROSS...
OKAY, ROSS.
BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT.

OKAY, ROSS.
BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT.
ALL RIGHT.

BOBBY TELLS ME THAT'S PERFECT.
ALL RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE.

ALL RIGHT.
ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE.
I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE

ABSOLUTELY PERFECT TAKE.
I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE
PREMIERE.

I'M GONNA SEE YOU AT THE
PREMIERE.
I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU.

PREMIERE.
I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU.
WONDERFUL.

I GOT TWO TICKETS FOR YOU.
WONDERFUL.
ARE YOU BRUNCHING?

WONDERFUL.
ARE YOU BRUNCHING?
SURE. WHY NOT?

ARE YOU BRUNCHING?
SURE. WHY NOT?
LET'S GO.

SURE. WHY NOT?
LET'S GO.
TIME TO EAT... A LITTLE WHITE

LET'S GO.
TIME TO EAT... A LITTLE WHITE
WINE...

HELLO.
WHEN I WAS IN LONDON LAST YEAR,
WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS

WHEN I WAS IN LONDON LAST YEAR,
WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS
PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE

WORKING ON A FILM, I WAS
PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE
GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE

PRIVILEGED TO MEET ONE OF THE
GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE
ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER.

GREAT ACTRESSES OF THE
ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER.
SHE IS HERE TONIGHT.

ENGLISH-SPEAKING THEATER.
SHE IS HERE TONIGHT.
SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT

SHE IS HERE TONIGHT.
SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I

SHE IS ONE OF THE WORLD'S GREAT
WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I
KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER.

WITTY CONVERSATIONALISTS, AND I
KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER.
PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME

KNOW YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY HER.
PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME
TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE.

PLEASE, LET'S GIVE A BIG WELCOME
TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE.
[APPLAUSE]

TO DAME EDNA EVERAGE.
[APPLAUSE]
[CHEERS]

HELLO, MADELINE KAHN.
HELLO, LISTENERS.
HELLO.

HELLO, LISTENERS.
HELLO.
I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE.

HELLO.
I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE.
TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST

I'M SO PLEASED THAT YOU'RE HERE.
TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST
WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO

TELL EVERYONE, DAME EDNA, JUST
WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO
NEW YORK.

WHAT IT IS THAT BRINGS YOU TO
NEW YORK.
WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK,

NEW YORK.
WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK,
DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS'

WELL, I'M REALLY IN NEW YORK,
DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS'
WEDDING.

DARLING, FOR JACQUELINE ONASSIS'
WEDDING.
REALLY?

WEDDING.
REALLY?
I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE

REALLY?
I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE
INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST

I HAVEN'T RECEIVED THE
INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT,

INVITATION YET, BUT THAT'S JUST
A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT,
SWEETHEART?

A LITTLE FORMALITY, ISN'T IT,
SWEETHEART?
OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON

SWEETHEART?
OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON
THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT

OH, IT'S LOVELY TO HAVE YOU ON
THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT
REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH

THIS SHOW, MADELINE KAHN, IT
REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH
A LOT IN COMMON.

REALLY IS BECAUSE WE'VE GOT SUCH
A LOT IN COMMON.
YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR,

A LOT IN COMMON.
YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR,
AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR.

YOU'RE AN AMERICAN SUPERSTAR,
AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR.
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

AND I'M A WORLD SUPERSTAR.
AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS

AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS
THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE

THERE ARE OTHER LITTLE THINGS
THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE
I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I

THAT WE SHARE, I THINK, BECAUSE
I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I
SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE.

I'M A VERY PRIVATE PERSON, AND I
SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE.
AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE

SUSPECT YOU ARE, TOO, MADELINE.
AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE
PERSON.

AND I'M A VERY VULNERABLE
PERSON.
YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT

PERSON.
YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT
ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE

YOU KNOW, LISTENERS, YOU LOOK AT
ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE
MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING

ME AND YOU LOOK AT LITTLE
MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING
SOPHISTICATES.

MADELINE, AND YOU SEE GLITTERING
SOPHISTICATES.
BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP

SOPHISTICATES.
BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP
DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE

BUT, YOU KNOW, UNDERNEATH, DEEP
DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE
WOMAN.

DOWN, I'M SUCH A VULNERABLE
WOMAN.
I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE.

WOMAN.
I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE.
YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER

I'M SUCH A SHY WOMAN, MADELINE.
YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER
SEEN ME NAKED.

YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND HAS NEVER
SEEN ME NAKED.
NO.

SEEN ME NAKED.
NO.
NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE

NO.
NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE
LEAST DESIRE TO.

NOR HAS HE EXPRESSED THE
LEAST DESIRE TO.
I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS

LEAST DESIRE TO.
I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE

I THINK THAT'S ONE OF THE THINGS
THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE
TOGETHER.

THAT CEMENTED OUR MARRIAGE
TOGETHER.
I'M SO SORRY.

TOGETHER.
I'M SO SORRY.
I HAD NO IDEA.

I'M SO SORRY.
I HAD NO IDEA.
IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG

I HAD NO IDEA.
IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?

IN FACT, I DIDN'T... HOW LONG
HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR

HAVE YOU BEEN MARRIED?
OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR
SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR,

OH, WELL, IT'S, UH, OUR
SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.

SILVER, I DO BELIEVE, THIS YEAR,
AS A MATTER OF FACT.
25 YEARS.

AS A MATTER OF FACT.
25 YEARS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR

25 YEARS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY

BUT, YOU KNOW, I DON'T DATE OUR
WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY
THAT WE WERE MARRIED.

WEDDING ANNIVERSARY FROM THE DAY
THAT WE WERE MARRIED.
I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR

THAT WE WERE MARRIED.
I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR
MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED.

I DATE IT FROM THE DAY THAT OUR
MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE

MARRIAGE FIRST CLICKED.
AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE
CLICK.

AND, YOU KNOW, IT WAS AN AUDIBLE
CLICK.
OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE

CLICK.
OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER

OUR MARRIAGE WENT "CLICK" IN THE
MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER
OF FACT.

MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT, AS A MATTER
OF FACT.
MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO

OF FACT.
MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO
HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL

MY HUSBAND WAS WHISKED OFF TO
HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL
POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM.

HOSPITAL IN A HORIZONTAL
POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM.
I HAD NO CHOICE.

POSITION, AND I WENT WITH HIM.
I HAD NO CHOICE.
WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING.

I HAD NO CHOICE.
WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING.
[SIGHS]

WE WERE INSEPARABLE, DARLING.
[SIGHS]
HOSPITAL?

[SIGHS]
HOSPITAL?
THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE.

HOSPITAL?
THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE...

THAT'S... THAT'S TERRIBLE.
IN OTHER WORDS, HE...
HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T,

IN OTHER WORDS, HE...
HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T,
DARLING.

HE'S WITH US, AND HE ISN'T,
DARLING.
HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE

DARLING.
HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE
I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF

HE'S WAY BACK IN AUSTRALIA WHERE
I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.

I COME FROM, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU.

FACT.
THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU.
HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE

THEN HE CANNOT BE WITH YOU.
HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE
PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF

HE IS HOOKED UP TO A MIRACLE
PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.

PROSTATE MACHINE, AS A MATTER OF
FACT.
MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A

FACT.
MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A
PROBLEM PROSTRATE.

MY HUSBAND SUFFERS FROM A
PROBLEM PROSTRATE.
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA

PROBLEM PROSTRATE.
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA
LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT AUSTRALIA
LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE
RESEARCH, LISTENERS?

LEADS THE WORLD IN PROSTATE
RESEARCH, LISTENERS?
WE DO.

RESEARCH, LISTENERS?
WE DO.
I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A

WE DO.
I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A
BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL

I JUST HOPE THERE'S NOT A
BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL
HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD.

BLACKOUT BECAUSE MY HUSBAND WILL
HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD.
OH!

HAVE TO PEDAL TWICE AS HARD.
OH!
RIGHT.

OH!
RIGHT.
WELL, UH...

RIGHT.
WELL, UH...
THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND

WELL, UH...
THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND
THE SHEETS.

THEN GUESTS WILL HAVE TO MEND
THE SHEETS.
OH, SHEETS.

THE SHEETS.
OH, SHEETS.
I'M SORRY.

OH, SHEETS.
I'M SORRY.
I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE

I'M SORRY.
I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE
SUBJECT.

I DON'T MEAN TO CHANGE THE
SUBJECT.
I JUST...

SUBJECT.
I JUST...
YOU'RE EXQUISITE.

I JUST...
YOU'RE EXQUISITE.
[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE EXQUISITE.
[LAUGHS]
I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE

[LAUGHS]
I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE
PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW

I JUST WANT YOU TO TELL THE
PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW
THAT YOU WILL BE DOING.

PEOPLE ABOUT THE ONE-WOMAN SHOW
THAT YOU WILL BE DOING.
OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN

THAT YOU WILL BE DOING.
OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN
SHOW.

OH, MY WONDERFUL ONE-WOMAN
SHOW.
WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO

SHOW.
WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO
DESCRIBE.

WELL, IT'S REALLY HARD TO
DESCRIBE.
IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF

DESCRIBE.
IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE

IT'S A MIXTURE BETWEEN ONE OF
FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE
CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW."

FRANKLIN D. ROOSEVELT'S FIRESIDE
CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW."
DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN

CHATS AND "THE LUCY SHOW."
DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN
TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE,

DO YOU GET THAT AUSTRALIAN
TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE,
DARLING?

TELEVISION SHOW OVER HERE,
DARLING?
I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE

DARLING?
I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE
HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO.

I SUPPOSE IF YOUR AERIALS ARE
HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE

HIGH ENOUGH YOU DO.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE
CREATURE.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE AN EXQUISITE
CREATURE.
DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS

CREATURE.
DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS
YOURSELF, MADELINE?

DID YOU MAKE THAT DRESS
YOURSELF, MADELINE?
IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH.

YOURSELF, MADELINE?
IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH.
IT REALLY IS.

IT'S LOVELY, THOUGH.
IT REALLY IS.
IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU.

IT REALLY IS.
IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU.
DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU?

IT DOES SOMETHING FOR YOU.
DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU?
BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN

DO YOU MIND ME TOUCHING YOU?
BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN
SEX.

BECAUSE I'M VERY DRAWN TO MY OWN
SEX.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,

SEX.
THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,
IS THERE, DARLING?

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THAT,
IS THERE, DARLING?
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY

IS THERE, DARLING?
I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY
DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.

I MEAN, I DON'T WANT TO PLAY
DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
OH! HA HA.

DOCTOR OR NOTHING LIKE THAT.
OH! HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.

OH! HA HA.
HA HA HA HA.
THE SHOW ISN'T AS

HA HA HA HA.
THE SHOW ISN'T AS
PROMISCUOUS AS THAT.

THE SHOW ISN'T AS
PROMISCUOUS AS THAT.
OH.

PROMISCUOUS AS THAT.
OH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM.

OH.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM.
AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL.

BUT, YOU KNOW, I AM.
AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL.
MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION...

AND I THINK IT'S NORMAL.
MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION...
I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS

MY LITTLE TRAVELING COMPANION...
I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS
EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE.

I'M ALWAYS TRAVELING WITH THIS
EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE.
AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE,

EXQUISITE LITTLE WOMAN... MADGE.
AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE,
SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE

AND DO YOU KNOW, LITTLE MADGE,
SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE
SECRETARY.

SHE'S ALMOST MY PRIVATE
SECRETARY.
QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED

SECRETARY.
QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED
TOGETHER.

QUITE OFTEN, WE SHARE A BED
TOGETHER.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S

TOGETHER.
A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S
UNHEALTHY.

A LOT OF PEOPLE THINK THAT'S
UNHEALTHY.
AND IT IS UNHEALTHY.

UNHEALTHY.
AND IT IS UNHEALTHY.
THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE.

AND IT IS UNHEALTHY.
THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT.

THAT WOMAN'S FEET ARE LIKE ICE.
I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL,

I CAN TELL YOU THAT.
WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL,
THAT'S FINE.

WELL, NOW THEN, UH, WELL,
THAT'S FINE.
I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD

THAT'S FINE.
I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD
BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT

I JUST DIDN'T REALIZE WE WOULD
BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT
WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER

BE... IN ANY CASE, UM, WHAT
WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER
THIS.

WE'LL DO IS BE BACK RIGHT AFTER
THIS.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE...

THIS.
I'VE GOT A LITTLE...
MESSAGE!

I'VE GOT A LITTLE...
MESSAGE!
I'M SORRY.

MESSAGE!
I'M SORRY.
YOU FRIGHTENED ME.

I'M SORRY.
YOU FRIGHTENED ME.
JUST A MOMENT.

YOU FRIGHTENED ME.
JUST A MOMENT.
WHAT?

JUST A MOMENT.
WHAT?
I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR

WHAT?
I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR
YOU, DARLING.

I GOT A LITTLE PRESENT FOR
YOU, DARLING.
I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS

YOU, DARLING.
I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS
AUSTRALIAN MEAL.

I'VE COOKED YOU A DELICIOUS
AUSTRALIAN MEAL.
OH, HA HA.

AUSTRALIAN MEAL.
OH, HA HA.
I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD...

OH, HA HA.
I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD...
IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH,

I DON'T BELIEVE I COULD...
IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH,
DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A

IT'S OUR NATIONAL DISH,
DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A
GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING

DARLING, AND YOU LOOK LIKE A
GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING
HOT INSIDE YOU.

GIRL WHO COULD DO WITH SOMETHING
HOT INSIDE YOU.
OH, HO HO.

HOT INSIDE YOU.
OH, HO HO.
IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE

OH, HO HO.
IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE
SURPRISE.

IT'S PINEAPPLE AND SAUSAGE
SURPRISE.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?

SURPRISE.
ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

ISN'T IT BEAUTIFUL?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.
GO AHEAD.

THIS MESSAGE.
GO AHEAD.
NO.

GO AHEAD.
NO.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

WE'LL GET BACK TO YOU,
THOUGH, AS SOON AS WE'RE CLEAR
FOR FINAL.

THOUGH, AS SOON AS WE'RE CLEAR
FOR FINAL.
WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU

FOR FINAL.
WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU
CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR

WHEN YOU FLY, ARE YOU
CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR
TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY

CONCERNED BY THE VOLUME OF AIR
TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY
AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE

TRAFFIC, POSSIBLE OVERSIGHTS BY
AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE
NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED

AIR-TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS, THE
NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED
BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL

NUMBER OF HUMAN ERRORS COMMITTED
BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL
LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS?

BY PILOTS, AND THE OCCASIONAL
LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS?
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE

LIKELIHOOD OF MIDAIR COLLISIONS?
WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR

WELL, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR
COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL,

CAUGHT OFF-GUARD BY MIDAIR
COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL,
ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE

COLLISIONS THANKS TO POCKET PAL,
ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE
EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH

ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW AIRBORNE
EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH
ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR

EARLY-WARNING SYSTEM, WHICH
ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR
COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS

ACTUALLY PREDICTS MIDAIR
COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS
BEFORE IMPACT.

COLLISIONS AS MUCH AS 10 SECONDS
BEFORE IMPACT.
INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE

BEFORE IMPACT.
INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE
THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS

INSIDE THE POCKET PAL, THERE ARE
THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS
WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE

THOUSANDS OF MICROPROCESSORS
WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE
THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE

WHICH ELECTRONICALLY DUPLICATE
THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE
SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE

THE SENSING MECHANISMS OF THE
SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE
NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR

SILVER-HAIRED BAT, A CREATURE
NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR
COLLISIONS.

NEVER CAUGHT UNAWARE BY MIDAIR
COLLISIONS.
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE

COLLISIONS.
SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE
A POCKET PAL WITH YOU.

SO, THE NEXT TIME YOU FLY, TAKE
A POCKET PAL WITH YOU.
YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT.

A POCKET PAL WITH YOU.
YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE

YOU MIGHT NOT NEED IT.
BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE
FIRST TO KNOW.

BUT IF YOU DO, YOU'LL BE THE
FIRST TO KNOW.
[BEEPING]

FIRST TO KNOW.
[BEEPING]
747.

[BEEPING]
747.
WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747!

747.
WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747!
[SCREAMS]

WE'RE GONNA COLLIDE WITH A 747!
[SCREAMS]
YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO

[SCREAMS]
YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO
KNOW.

YOU MAY AS WELL BE THE FIRST TO
KNOW.
AAAAAH!

[CRASH]
THE LAST WORD IN PERSONAL
ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS.

THE LAST WORD IN PERSONAL
ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS.
[Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER

ELECTRONIC SYSTEMS.
[Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER
VODKA AND TAB?

[Slurring] YOU WANT ANOTHER
VODKA AND TAB?
[Slurring] I DON'T...

VODKA AND TAB?
[Slurring] I DON'T...
I DON'T THINK SO.

[Slurring] I DON'T...
I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT.

I DON'T THINK SO.
I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY

I THINK THAT 12 IS MY LIMIT.
YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY
LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000.

YEAH, WELL, I THINK MY
LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000.
NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU

LIMIT'S ABOUT 1,000.
NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ANYMORE.

NOW, LOOK, I DON'T WANT YOU
TO WORRY ANYMORE.
I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING.

TO WORRY ANYMORE.
I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING.
HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU.

I WANT YOU TO STOP WORRYING.
HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU.
YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK

HE'S GOING TO CALL YOU.
YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK
YOUR NUMBER.

YOU MET HIM AT THE PARTY, TOOK
YOUR NUMBER.
YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME

YOUR NUMBER.
YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME
SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM

YOU HAD THIS WONDERFUL TIME
SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM
"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW."

SINGING THE THEME SONG FROM
"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW."
YEAH.

"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW."
YEAH.
HE EVEN KNEW...

YEAH.
HE EVEN KNEW...
♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪

HE EVEN KNEW...
♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪
♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪

♪ WE LAUGH ALIKE ♪
♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪
♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪

♪ WE TALK ALIKE ♪
♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪
HE KNEW THIS?

♪ SOMETIMES WE EVEN WALK ALIKE ♪
HE KNEW THIS?
YEAH.

HE KNEW THIS?
YEAH.
AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY

YEAH.
AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY
GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH

AND THEN WE GOT INTO THIS REALLY
GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH
YOU'D RATHER BE ON

GREAT CONVERSATION ABOUT WHICH
YOU'D RATHER BE ON
"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY

YOU'D RATHER BE ON
"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY
OR CATHY.

"THE PATTY DUKE SHOW"... PATTY
OR CATHY.
REALLY?

OR CATHY.
REALLY?
RIGHT.

REALLY?
RIGHT.
AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE

RIGHT.
AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE
PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP

AND HE SAID THAT HE'D RATHER BE
PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP
IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS

PATTY BECAUSE OF HER GROWING UP
IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS
AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING.

IN AMERICA IN BROOKLYN HEIGHTS
AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING.
AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER

AND BEING NORMAL AND EVERYTHING.
AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER
BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE

AND I SAID THAT I WOULD RATHER
BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE
CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE.

BE CATHY BECAUSE OF GETTING THE
CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE.
AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,

CHANCE TO GROW UP IN EUROPE.
AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,
BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE

AND HE SAID THAT HE UNDERSTOOD,
BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE
PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS,

BUT HE WOULD STILL RATHER BE
PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS,
WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO

PATTY BECAUSE SHE COULD ALWAYS,
WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO
EUROPE.

WHEN SHE GREW UP, MOVE TO
EUROPE.
BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF

EUROPE.
BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF
SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D

BUT CATHY COULDN'T BECAUSE IF
SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D
ALREADY BE GROWN UP.

SHE GREW UP IN AMERICA, SHE'D
ALREADY BE GROWN UP.
HE SAID THIS?

ALREADY BE GROWN UP.
HE SAID THIS?
GAIL...

HE SAID THIS?
GAIL...
A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO

GAIL...
A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO
SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE

A PERSON WITH THE CAPACITY TO
SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE
ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS

SAY SOMETHING THAT SENSITIVE
ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS
NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU.

ABOUT "THE PATTY DUKE SHOW" IS
NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU.
JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

NOT GOING TO NOT CALL YOU.
JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
RIGHT.

JUDITH, YOU'RE RIGHT.
RIGHT.
BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY

RIGHT.
BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY
TO HAVE MET THIS GUY.

BUT, LISTEN, YOU'RE VERY LUCKY
TO HAVE MET THIS GUY.
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET?

TO HAVE MET THIS GUY.
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET?
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY I MET?
YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO
TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY

YOU KNOW THE KIND OF GUY WHO
TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY
STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY

TELLS YOU EXTREMELY FUNNY
STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY
MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL?

STORIES ABOUT THE MISTAKES THEY
MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL?
WA, WA, WA, WA, WA.

MADE ON HIS MASTER CHARGE BILL?
WA, WA, WA, WA, WA.
[LAUGHING]

WA, WA, WA, WA, WA.
[LAUGHING]
OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED!

[LAUGHING]
OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED!
I AM SO DRUNK!

OH, MAN, I'M SO BORED!
I AM SO DRUNK!
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.

I AM SO DRUNK!
I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.
LET'S DO SOMETHING!

I WANT TO DO SOMETHING.
LET'S DO SOMETHING!
WHAT?

LET'S DO SOMETHING!
WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT?
I DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW.

I DON'T KNOW.
I KNOW.
LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING

I KNOW.
LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING
THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN

LET'S TELL EACH OTHER NAUSEATING
THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN
PRIVATE.

THINGS ABOUT THINGS WE DO IN
PRIVATE.
NO.

PRIVATE.
NO.
OH.

NO.
OH.
I KNOW.

OH.
I KNOW.
LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING

I KNOW.
LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING
THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE

LET'S TELL EACH OTHER SOMETHING
THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE
BEFORE.

THAT WE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY ELSE
BEFORE.
OKAY.

BEFORE.
OKAY.
READY?

OKAY.
READY?
YEAH.

READY?
YEAH.
OKAY. OKAY.

YEAH.
OKAY. OKAY.
JUDITH...

OKAY. OKAY.
JUDITH...
I HATE MY BREASTS.

JUDITH...
I HATE MY BREASTS.
WHAT?

I HATE MY BREASTS.
WHAT?
I HATE THEM!

WHAT?
I HATE THEM!
I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM.

I HATE THEM!
I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM.
I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER.

I HATE THE SHAPE OF THEM.
I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER.
AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER

I HATE ONE MORE THAN THE OTHER.
AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER
SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE.

AND I JUST... I JUST HAVE NEVER
SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE.
WELL.

SEEN THEM IN A MAGAZINE.
WELL.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.

WELL.
WELL, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR

WELL, ALL RIGHT.
WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR
FRANKNESS.

WELL, I APPRECIATE YOUR
FRANKNESS.
I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT

FRANKNESS.
I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT
DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING

I THINK THAT IT TAKES A GREAT
DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING
LIKE THAT.

DEAL OF COURAGE TO SAY A THING
LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU.

LIKE THAT.
THANK YOU.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.

THANK YOU.
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN.
YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER
TOLD ANYONE ELSE.

YOU TELL ME SOMETHING YOU NEVER
TOLD ANYONE ELSE.
OKAY. OKAY.

TOLD ANYONE ELSE.
OKAY. OKAY.
SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY

OKAY. OKAY.
SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY
SEXY.

SOMETIMES I THINK I AM EXTREMELY
SEXY.
REALLY?

SEXY.
REALLY?
YES.

REALLY?
YES.
MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M

YES.
MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M
ALONE.

MOSTLY IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M
ALONE.
SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M

ALONE.
SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M
WALKING THROUGH A STORE.

SOMETIMES IT HAPPENS WHEN I'M
WALKING THROUGH A STORE.
WHY THEN?

WALKING THROUGH A STORE.
WHY THEN?
I DON'T KNOW.

WHY THEN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE

I DON'T KNOW.
I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE
PATTERN.

I'M JUST TELLING YOU THE
PATTERN.
OH.

PATTERN.
OH.
WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER.

OH.
WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER.
IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I

WELL, I'M HAVING ANOTHER.
IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I
MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL,

IF HE DOESN'T CALL YOU... I
MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL,
YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH

MEAN, IF HE DOES NOT CALL,
YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY

YOU'LL NOT HAVE TO GO THROUGH
THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY
SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND

THAT AWFUL THING WHEN A GUY
SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND
LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP.

SLEEPS OVER YOUR HOUSE AND
LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP.
YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM.

LEAVES THE TOILET SEAT UP.
YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM.
YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE

YOU GO INTO THE BATHROOM.
YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE
FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN.

YOU SINK DOWN TWO FEET INTO THE
FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

FREEZING-COLD PORCELAIN.
YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE

YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE

PLUS... PLUS YOU DO NOT HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE
ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR

TO WORRY ABOUT WHAT ANGLE TO LIE
ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR
THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO

ON THE BED SO THE FAT ON YOUR
THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO
MUCH.

THIGHS ISN'T SPREAD OUT TOO
MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

MUCH.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
[BOTH LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?
[BOTH LAUGHING]
YEAH.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
YEAH.
OH. OW.

YEAH.
OH. OW.
OH, LISTEN.

OH. OW.
OH, LISTEN.
YEAH.

OH, LISTEN.
YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.

YEAH.
LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I HAVE A STORY HERE.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING.
I HAVE A STORY HERE.
I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU

I HAVE A STORY HERE.
I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU
FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY?

I KNOW THIS IS GONNA MAKE YOU
FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY?
NOW, LOOK HERE.

FEEL A LOT BETTER, OKAY?
NOW, LOOK HERE.
ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS

NOW, LOOK HERE.
ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS
GUY THIS ONE TIME.

ALL RIGHT, I WENT OUT WITH THIS
GUY THIS ONE TIME.
AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY

GUY THIS ONE TIME.
AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY
OPEN WITH THIS GUY.

AND, LIKE, I WAS GONNA BE REALLY
OPEN WITH THIS GUY.
AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY

OPEN WITH THIS GUY.
AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY
HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT?

AND I WAS REALLY SHOW THIS GUY
HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT?
HE WAS A DOCTOR.

HOW I FELT ABOUT HIM, RIGHT?
HE WAS A DOCTOR.
SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD

HE WAS A DOCTOR.
SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD
STORE.

SO... SO, I WENT INTO THIS CARD
STORE.
AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY

STORE.
AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY
LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT

AND, UH, I FOUND THIS TINY
LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT
HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS

LITTLE DOCTOR KIT, RIGHT, THAT
HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS
AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY

HAD THESE TEENY LITTLE BAND-AIDS
AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY
STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL

AND IT HAD THIS LITTLE TINY
STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL
OF GAUZE IN IT.

STETHOSCOPE AND THIS TINY ROLL
OF GAUZE IN IT.
AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE

OF GAUZE IN IT.
AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE
THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS

AND IT HAD THIS TEENSY LITTLE
THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS
TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE.

THERMOMETER, AND IT HAD THIS
TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE.
AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW?

TEENY, TINY, LITTLE CASE.
AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW?
HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN.

AND I SENT IT TO HIM, YOU KNOW?
HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN.
I DON'T FEEL BETTER.

HE NEVER CALLED ME AGAIN.
I DON'T FEEL BETTER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T FEEL BETTER.
OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL?

OH, ALL RIGHT.
SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL?
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY.

SO WHAT IF HE DOESN'T CALL?
THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY.
I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY,

THIS IS JUST ANOTHER GUY.
I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY,
BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT

I KNOW IT'S JUST ANOTHER GUY,
BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT
IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?!

BUT WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY LIKE IT
IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?!
I KNOW IT.

IS IN MOVIES AND BOOKS?!
I KNOW IT.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.

I KNOW IT.
I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE

I KNOW. I KNOW. I KNOW.
THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE
BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH

THE COUPLE THAT'S LYING ON THE
BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH
BARBECUE, RIGHT?

BEACH, SOME IMPROMPTU BEACH
BARBECUE, RIGHT?
AND THEY GET INTO THIS

BARBECUE, RIGHT?
AND THEY GET INTO THIS
CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE,

AND THEY GET INTO THIS
CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE,
NORMAN MAILER.

CONVERSATION ABOUT, LIKE,
NORMAN MAILER.
AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL

NORMAN MAILER.
AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL
OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE.

AND, AT FIRST, THEY'RE ON REAL
OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE.
I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I

OPPOSITE SIDES OF THE ISSUE.
I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I
MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE

I MEAN, THESE PEOPLE ARE... I
MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE
EACH OTHER.

MEAN, THESE PEOPLE REALLY HATE
EACH OTHER.
YEAH.

EACH OTHER.
YEAH.
AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER

YEAH.
AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER
WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND

AND THEN HE COMES OVER TO HER
WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND
ALL THAT STUFF.

WHILE THE EMBERS ARE DYING AND
ALL THAT STUFF.
AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH

ALL THAT STUFF.
AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH
REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER

AND THEY BOTH FIND OUT THEY BOTH
REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER
SONGS.

REALLY LOVE OLD COLE PORTER
SONGS.
AND THEY START SINGING THEM

SONGS.
AND THEY START SINGING THEM
TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY.

AND THEY START SINGING THEM
TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY.
AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER.

TOGETHER REAL QUIETLY.
AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER.
SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG,

AND THE BEACH IS GETTING COLDER.
SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG,
BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS,

SHE PUTS ON ONE OF THESE BIG,
BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS,
RIGHT?

BULKY FISHERMAN-KNIT SWEATERS,
RIGHT?
AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS

RIGHT?
AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS
PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS

AND THEN, HEY, THEY HAVE THIS
PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS
TO THIS ONE SONG.

PRETEND FIGHT ABOUT THE LYRICS
TO THIS ONE SONG.
AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW

TO THIS ONE SONG.
AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW
ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS

AND THEN BEFORE YOU EVEN KNOW
ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS
FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH,

ABOUT IT, EVEN THOUGH IT IS
FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH,
THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON

FREEZING COLD ON THE BEACH,
THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON
THE BEACH.

THESE PEOPLE ARE MAKING LOVE ON
THE BEACH.
AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER

THE BEACH.
AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER
AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE

AND THEN, LIKE, HE COMES OVER
AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE
WAVES.

AND SAYS SOMETHING ABOUT THE
WAVES.
AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER

WAVES.
AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER
DEAD FATHER.

AND SHE ENDS UP CRYING ABOUT HER
DEAD FATHER.
AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE

DEAD FATHER.
AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE
ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST

AND HE ENDS UP KISSING HER FACE
ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST
MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.

ALL OVER, EVEN THOUGH HE JUST
MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM

MET HER ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM
WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE.

AND THEN SHE LOOKS UP AT HIM
WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY

WITH THIS TEAR-STAINED FACE.
AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY
TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN

AND HE DOESN'T EVEN HAVE TO SAY
TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN
THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE

TO HER "YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL, EVEN
THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE
CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,

THOUGH YOU'RE CRYING" BECAUSE WE
CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING.

CAN ALL SEE SHE'S BEAUTIFUL,
EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING.
AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE!

EVEN THOUGH SHE'S CRYING.
AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE!
BUT MY QUESTION IS...

AND THEN THEY FALL IN LOVE!
BUT MY QUESTION IS...
WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T

BUT MY QUESTION IS...
WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T
HER NOSE EVER RUN?

WHEN SHE'S CRYING, WHY DOESN'T
HER NOSE EVER RUN?
I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS...

HER NOSE EVER RUN?
I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS...
WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER

I MEAN, WHY DO THOSE GIRLS...
WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER
RUNS?!

WHY IS IT THEIR NOSE NEVER
RUNS?!
THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS

RUNS?!
THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS
THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING,

THEY COULD BE CRYING AND KISS
THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING,
BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND

THE GUY WHILE THEY'RE CRYING,
BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND
BLOW THEIR NOSE!

BUT THEY NEVER HAVE TO STOP AND
BLOW THEIR NOSE!
WHY?!

BLOW THEIR NOSE!
WHY?!
IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT

WHY?!
IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT
HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU...

IT'S THE SAME REASON THAT
HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU...
WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S NOT GOING TO CALL YOU...
WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW.
WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER

WHICH IS I DON'T KNOW.
WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER
HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE?

WHY IS IT THOSE GIRLS NEVER
HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

HAVE TO BLOW THEIR NOSE?
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
JEFF?

HELLO?
JEFF?
YEAH, I'M UP.

JEFF?
YEAH, I'M UP.
OH, NOTHING.

YEAH, I'M UP.
OH, NOTHING.
OH, YEAH, SURE.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

GOOD NIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR WATCHING.

THANK YOU, BARRY HUMPHRIES.

THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

HUGH HEFNER, WITH MUSICAL GUEST

LIBBY TITUS AND ANDY KAUFMAN.

UNTIL THEN, REMEMBER COLUMBUS

DAY IS COMING UP.

SO, WHY DON'T YOU TRY TO

DISCOVER SOMETHING?

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING

GOOD NIGHT.