Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 16 - Michael Palin/Eugene Record - full transcript

The host for the episode is Michael Palin, and the musical guest is Eugene Record. The skits for this episode are as follows: For his opening monologue, Michael Palin comes out as a manager trying to stall for time while the real Michael is getting ready, and proceeds to put on a song and dance that has him stuffing cats down his pants. John Belushi pitches Little Chocolate Donuts. H&L Brock demonstrate just how far they'll go to save money on taxes. Lisa Loopner chases Todd out of the room so she can take her piano lesson in peace, but her teacher then attempts to kiss her. Mr Bill tries to pay his taxes, but ends up getting mangled and beaten again. Eugene Record performs "Have You Seen Her?" and "Trying to Get to You".

Announcer: "GRANDMA WALTON
TRIES TO TIE HER SHOELACE" WILL
NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC

TRIES TO TIE HER SHOELACE" WILL
NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC
MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING

NOT BE SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC
MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING
SPECIAL PROGRAM.

MAY PRESENT THE FOLLOWING
SPECIAL PROGRAM.
[PAPER RUSTLING]

SPECIAL PROGRAM.
[PAPER RUSTLING]
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS

[PAPER RUSTLING]
THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS
SO HARD TO OPEN.

THEY ALWAYS MAKE THESE THINGS
SO HARD TO OPEN.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]

SO HARD TO OPEN.
[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
AND THE WINNER IS...

[BOTH CHUCKLE NERVOUSLY]
AND THE WINNER IS...
VANESSA REDGRAVE FOR "JULIA."

AND THE WINNER IS...
VANESSA REDGRAVE FOR "JULIA."
[MUSIC PLAYS]

VANESSA REDGRAVE FOR "JULIA."
[MUSIC PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

OH, MY, I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.
I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE AND

I DON'T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN.
THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE AND
THINGS TO CONDEMN.

THERE ARE SO MANY PEOPLE AND
THINGS TO CONDEMN.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE THE ZIONIST

THINGS TO CONDEMN.
OF COURSE, THERE ARE THE ZIONIST
HOODLUMS, THE BRITISH

OF COURSE, THERE ARE THE ZIONIST
HOODLUMS, THE BRITISH
IMPERIALIST HOODLUMS IN

HOODLUMS, THE BRITISH
IMPERIALIST HOODLUMS IN
NORTHERN IRELAND, THE WHITE

IMPERIALIST HOODLUMS IN
NORTHERN IRELAND, THE WHITE
RACIST HOODLUMS IN SOUTH AFRICA.

NORTHERN IRELAND, THE WHITE
RACIST HOODLUMS IN SOUTH AFRICA.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOODLUMS THAT

RACIST HOODLUMS IN SOUTH AFRICA.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOODLUMS THAT
IF I TRIED TO CONDEMN THEM ALL,

THERE ARE SO MANY HOODLUMS THAT
IF I TRIED TO CONDEMN THEM ALL,
I'M AFRAID I'D LEAVE SOMEONE OUT

IF I TRIED TO CONDEMN THEM ALL,
I'M AFRAID I'D LEAVE SOMEONE OUT
AND FEEL TERRIBLE TOMORROW.

I'M AFRAID I'D LEAVE SOMEONE OUT
AND FEEL TERRIBLE TOMORROW.
SO FOR ALL THE HOODLUMS OUT

AND FEEL TERRIBLE TOMORROW.
SO FOR ALL THE HOODLUMS OUT
THERE THAT I'D LIKE TO CONDEMN,

SO FOR ALL THE HOODLUMS OUT
THERE THAT I'D LIKE TO CONDEMN,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.

THERE THAT I'D LIKE TO CONDEMN,
YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I DESPISE

YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE.
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I DESPISE
YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND

I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY I DESPISE
YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND
FOR.

YOU AND EVERYTHING YOU STAND
FOR.
BUT THERE IS SOMEONE I BROUGHT

FOR.
BUT THERE IS SOMEONE I BROUGHT
WITH ME TONIGHT WHO DESERVES TO

BUT THERE IS SOMEONE I BROUGHT
WITH ME TONIGHT WHO DESERVES TO
SHARE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPOUT

WITH ME TONIGHT WHO DESERVES TO
SHARE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPOUT
HIS OWN POLITICAL VIEWS.

SHARE THIS OPPORTUNITY TO SPOUT
HIS OWN POLITICAL VIEWS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HIS OWN POLITICAL VIEWS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YASSER ARAFAT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YASSER ARAFAT!
[OVERTURE FROM

YASSER ARAFAT!
[OVERTURE FROM
"LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" PLAYS]

[OVERTURE FROM
"LAWRENCE OF ARABIA" PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE]

WHOO! WHOO!
WHEW!
THANK YOU.

WHEW!
THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T EXPECT VANESSA TO WIN,

THANK YOU.
I DIDN'T EXPECT VANESSA TO WIN,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING

I DIDN'T EXPECT VANESSA TO WIN,
SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
PREPARED.

SO I DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING
PREPARED.
WHOO!

PREPARED.
WHOO!
UH... GUERILLA WARFARE, AS

WHOO!
UH... GUERILLA WARFARE, AS
EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN A GUERILLA

UH... GUERILLA WARFARE, AS
EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN A GUERILLA
KNOWS, REQUIRES DEDICATION AND A

EVERYONE WHO HAS BEEN A GUERILLA
KNOWS, REQUIRES DEDICATION AND A
LOT OF HARD WORK WHICH GOES

KNOWS, REQUIRES DEDICATION AND A
LOT OF HARD WORK WHICH GOES
UNAPPRECIATED, SO I'D LIKE TO

LOT OF HARD WORK WHICH GOES
UNAPPRECIATED, SO I'D LIKE TO
THANK THE GUERILLAS IN SOUTHERN

UNAPPRECIATED, SO I'D LIKE TO
THANK THE GUERILLAS IN SOUTHERN
LEBANON.

THANK THE GUERILLAS IN SOUTHERN
LEBANON.
THIS IS FOR YOU, GUYS.

LEBANON.
THIS IS FOR YOU, GUYS.
[APPLAUSE]

THIS IS FOR YOU, GUYS.
[APPLAUSE]
YES.

[APPLAUSE]
YES.
AND THE MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE

YES.
AND THE MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE
WHO WORK ENDLESS HOURS WITH ME

AND THE MANY WONDERFUL PEOPLE
WHO WORK ENDLESS HOURS WITH ME
IN BEIRUT.

WHO WORK ENDLESS HOURS WITH ME
IN BEIRUT.
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN]

IN BEIRUT.
[IMITATES MACHINE GUN]
I REALIZE WE'RE RUNNING OVER,

[IMITATES MACHINE GUN]
I REALIZE WE'RE RUNNING OVER,
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS

I REALIZE WE'RE RUNNING OVER,
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
MOMENT TO INTRODUCE A FELLOW

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
MOMENT TO INTRODUCE A FELLOW
THAT I HAVE HAD MANY DIFFERENCES

MOMENT TO INTRODUCE A FELLOW
THAT I HAVE HAD MANY DIFFERENCES
IN THE PAST, BUT HE'S A GREAT

THAT I HAVE HAD MANY DIFFERENCES
IN THE PAST, BUT HE'S A GREAT
ARAB IN HIS OWN RIGHT...

IN THE PAST, BUT HE'S A GREAT
ARAB IN HIS OWN RIGHT...
ANWAR SADAT.

ARAB IN HIS OWN RIGHT...
ANWAR SADAT.
ANNIE!

ANWAR SADAT.
ANNIE!
["EXODUS" THEME PLAYS]

ANNIE!
["EXODUS" THEME PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

["EXODUS" THEME PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[APPLAUSE]
WHOO!

[APPLAUSE]
WHOO!
THANK YOU.

WHOO!
THANK YOU.
REALLY, REALLY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
REALLY, REALLY, THANK YOU.
USUALLY, I WINCE AT MIXING SHOW

REALLY, REALLY, THANK YOU.
USUALLY, I WINCE AT MIXING SHOW
BUSINESS WITH POLITICS.

USUALLY, I WINCE AT MIXING SHOW
BUSINESS WITH POLITICS.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS

BUSINESS WITH POLITICS.
BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO CONDEMN THE

BUT I WOULD LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO CONDEMN THE
CYPRIOT DWARFS.

OPPORTUNITY TO CONDEMN THE
CYPRIOT DWARFS.
YES, REALLY.

CYPRIOT DWARFS.
YES, REALLY.
AND I WANT TO BRING UP A MAN WHO

YES, REALLY.
AND I WANT TO BRING UP A MAN WHO
HAS HELPED ME, ESPECIALLY THIS

AND I WANT TO BRING UP A MAN WHO
HAS HELPED ME, ESPECIALLY THIS
YEAR, YOUR PRESIDENT AND MINE,

HAS HELPED ME, ESPECIALLY THIS
YEAR, YOUR PRESIDENT AND MINE,
JIMMY CARTER!

YEAR, YOUR PRESIDENT AND MINE,
JIMMY CARTER!
["DIXIE" PLAYS]

JIMMY CARTER!
["DIXIE" PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, ANWAR.
THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY
ABOUT AN INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED

THERE'S SOMETHING I WANT TO SAY
ABOUT AN INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED
EARLIER TONIGHT WHEN A GENTLEMAN

ABOUT AN INCIDENT THAT OCCURRED
EARLIER TONIGHT WHEN A GENTLEMAN
WHO RECEIVED THE OSCAR FOR

EARLIER TONIGHT WHEN A GENTLEMAN
WHO RECEIVED THE OSCAR FOR
SPECIAL EFFECTS THANKED HIS

WHO RECEIVED THE OSCAR FOR
SPECIAL EFFECTS THANKED HIS
PRODUCER AND DIRECTOR.

SPECIAL EFFECTS THANKED HIS
PRODUCER AND DIRECTOR.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE

PRODUCER AND DIRECTOR.
I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE
USING THE OSCARS AS A PLATFORM

I'M SICK AND TIRED OF PEOPLE
USING THE OSCARS AS A PLATFORM
TO RECOGNIZE OUTSTANDING

USING THE OSCARS AS A PLATFORM
TO RECOGNIZE OUTSTANDING
ACHIEVEMENT IN THE

TO RECOGNIZE OUTSTANDING
ACHIEVEMENT IN THE
MOTION-PICTURE ARTS.

ACHIEVEMENT IN THE
MOTION-PICTURE ARTS.
THANK YOU.

MOTION-PICTURE ARTS.
THANK YOU.
AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S

THANK YOU.
AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO SAY,

AND, OF COURSE, THERE'S
SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO SAY,
OR I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE

SOMETHING ELSE I HAVE TO SAY,
OR I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE
WITH MYSELF TOMORROW MORNING,

OR I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIVE
WITH MYSELF TOMORROW MORNING,
AND THAT IS... LIVE FROM

WITH MYSELF TOMORROW MORNING,
AND THAT IS... LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT."

AND THAT IS... LIVE FROM
NEW YORK, IT'S "SATURDAY NIGHT."
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S...

STARRING...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...

JOHN BELUSHI...

JANE CURTIN...

GARRETT MORRIS...

BILL MURRAY...

LARAINE NEWMAN...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MICHAEL PALIN!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UH, THANK YOU.
QUIET DOWN, PLEASE.
UH... EVENING.

QUIET DOWN, PLEASE.
UH... EVENING.
I JUST CAME TO SAY THAT

UH... EVENING.
I JUST CAME TO SAY THAT
MR. PALIN WILL BE OUT IN A

I JUST CAME TO SAY THAT
MR. PALIN WILL BE OUT IN A
MINUTE.

MR. PALIN WILL BE OUT IN A
MINUTE.
[LAUGHTER]

MINUTE.
[LAUGHTER]
SORRY ABOUT THIS.

[LAUGHTER]
SORRY ABOUT THIS.
HE'S ON HIS WAY.

SORRY ABOUT THIS.
HE'S ON HIS WAY.
HE'S JUST HAVING A FEW

HE'S ON HIS WAY.
HE'S JUST HAVING A FEW
LAST-MINUTE COSTUME PROBLEMS.

HE'S JUST HAVING A FEW
LAST-MINUTE COSTUME PROBLEMS.
UH, HE HAS TO WEAR A, UH...

LAST-MINUTE COSTUME PROBLEMS.
UH, HE HAS TO WEAR A, UH...
BUT HE'S A NICE BOY, NICE BOY.

UH, HE HAS TO WEAR A, UH...
BUT HE'S A NICE BOY, NICE BOY.
ANYWAY, UH, HE'LL BE OUT SOON.

BUT HE'S A NICE BOY, NICE BOY.
ANYWAY, UH, HE'LL BE OUT SOON.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

ANYWAY, UH, HE'LL BE OUT SOON.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
NICE STUDIO.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
NICE STUDIO.
UH, MY NAME'S, UH, SID, BY THE

NICE STUDIO.
UH, MY NAME'S, UH, SID, BY THE
WAY... SID BIGGS... SID WITH AN

UH, MY NAME'S, UH, SID, BY THE
WAY... SID BIGGS... SID WITH AN
"I."

WAY... SID BIGGS... SID WITH AN
"I."
I'M MICHAEL'S MANAGER.

"I."
I'M MICHAEL'S MANAGER.
I LOOK AFTER THE BOY, YOU KNOW.

I'M MICHAEL'S MANAGER.
I LOOK AFTER THE BOY, YOU KNOW.
[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]

I LOOK AFTER THE BOY, YOU KNOW.
[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT I'D JUST COME

[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
ANYWAY, I THOUGHT I'D JUST COME
OUT AND, UH, KEEP YOU QUIET FOR

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT I'D JUST COME
OUT AND, UH, KEEP YOU QUIET FOR
A BIT, YOU KNOW?

OUT AND, UH, KEEP YOU QUIET FOR
A BIT, YOU KNOW?
[SNIFFS]

A BIT, YOU KNOW?
[SNIFFS]
I'VE TOLD HIM IT'S A LIVE SHOW,

[SNIFFS]
I'VE TOLD HIM IT'S A LIVE SHOW,
YOU KNOW, AND ALL THAT.

I'VE TOLD HIM IT'S A LIVE SHOW,
YOU KNOW, AND ALL THAT.
HE WILL BE OUT.

YOU KNOW, AND ALL THAT.
HE WILL BE OUT.
I'M NOT HAVING ANY ARTIST OF

HE WILL BE OUT.
I'M NOT HAVING ANY ARTIST OF
MINE APPEARING ON NATIONALLY

I'M NOT HAVING ANY ARTIST OF
MINE APPEARING ON NATIONALLY
NETWORK TELEVISION IN THE U.S.A.

MINE APPEARING ON NATIONALLY
NETWORK TELEVISION IN THE U.S.A.
FOR THE FIRST TIME WITHOUT

NETWORK TELEVISION IN THE U.S.A.
FOR THE FIRST TIME WITHOUT
LOOKING ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

FOR THE FIRST TIME WITHOUT
LOOKING ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]

LOOKING ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.
[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
[COUGHS]

[SNIFFS, CLEARS THROAT]
[COUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]

[COUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
UH, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW

[LAUGHTER]
UH, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW
TONIGHT?

UH, HOW LONG IS THE SHOW
TONIGHT?
WHAT, 90 MINUTES?

TONIGHT?
WHAT, 90 MINUTES?
YEAH, WELL, HE SHOULD BE OUT BY

WHAT, 90 MINUTES?
YEAH, WELL, HE SHOULD BE OUT BY
THEN.

BIT OF A BLOW, THIS.
[CHUCKLES]
NOW, HE'S A... HE'S A NICE BOY,

[CHUCKLES]
NOW, HE'S A... HE'S A NICE BOY,
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW... NOT THE

NOW, HE'S A... HE'S A NICE BOY,
MICHAEL, YOU KNOW... NOT THE
LEAST BIT SARDONIC.

MICHAEL, YOU KNOW... NOT THE
LEAST BIT SARDONIC.
KIND TO ANIMALS.

LEAST BIT SARDONIC.
KIND TO ANIMALS.
WELL, NOT ALL ANIMALS, YOU KNOW.

KIND TO ANIMALS.
WELL, NOT ALL ANIMALS, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IF A CRAZED WOLVERINE

WELL, NOT ALL ANIMALS, YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IF A CRAZED WOLVERINE
WERE TO LEAP AT HIS THROAT AND

I MEAN, IF A CRAZED WOLVERINE
WERE TO LEAP AT HIS THROAT AND
START NIBBLING AT HIS JUGULAR,

WERE TO LEAP AT HIS THROAT AND
START NIBBLING AT HIS JUGULAR,
HE WOULDN'T BE KIND TO THAT.

START NIBBLING AT HIS JUGULAR,
HE WOULDN'T BE KIND TO THAT.
I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T PAT IT ON

HE WOULDN'T BE KIND TO THAT.
I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T PAT IT ON
THE HEAD AND SAY, "HELLO, LITTLE

I MEAN, HE WOULDN'T PAT IT ON
THE HEAD AND SAY, "HELLO, LITTLE
WOLVERINE.

THE HEAD AND SAY, "HELLO, LITTLE
WOLVERINE.
WHO'S A NICE LITTLE WOLVERINE,

WOLVERINE.
WHO'S A NICE LITTLE WOLVERINE,
EH?" AND START GIVING IT MILK,

WHO'S A NICE LITTLE WOLVERINE,
EH?" AND START GIVING IT MILK,
YOU KNOW, BUT HE'S, ON THE

EH?" AND START GIVING IT MILK,
YOU KNOW, BUT HE'S, ON THE
WHOLE, KIND.

YOU KNOW, BUT HE'S, ON THE
WHOLE, KIND.
BUT HE'S AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW,

WHOLE, KIND.
BUT HE'S AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW,
AND, AS SUCH, GIVEN TO MOODS.

BUT HE'S AN ARTIST, YOU KNOW,
AND, AS SUCH, GIVEN TO MOODS.
MIND YOU, MICHAEL IS NOT MY ONLY

AND, AS SUCH, GIVEN TO MOODS.
MIND YOU, MICHAEL IS NOT MY ONLY
CLIENT.

MIND YOU, MICHAEL IS NOT MY ONLY
CLIENT.
HE'S ONLY ONE OF MANY ACTS ON

CLIENT.
HE'S ONLY ONE OF MANY ACTS ON
THE SID BIGGS LIST!

HE'S ONLY ONE OF MANY ACTS ON
THE SID BIGGS LIST!
I HAVE AVAILABLE A MAN WHO

THE SID BIGGS LIST!
I HAVE AVAILABLE A MAN WHO
SWALLOWS LIVE MACAWS...

I HAVE AVAILABLE A MAN WHO
SWALLOWS LIVE MACAWS...
VIC ROBERTS.

SWALLOWS LIVE MACAWS...
VIC ROBERTS.
WONDERFUL ACT.

VIC ROBERTS.
WONDERFUL ACT.
DISGUSTING TO WATCH.

WONDERFUL ACT.
DISGUSTING TO WATCH.
[LAUGHTER]

DISGUSTING TO WATCH.
[LAUGHTER]
I'VE GOT A GREAT, NEW ACT...

[LAUGHTER]
I'VE GOT A GREAT, NEW ACT...
PRINCESS MARGARET.

I'VE GOT A GREAT, NEW ACT...
PRINCESS MARGARET.
THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME.

PRINCESS MARGARET.
THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME.
HIS REAL NAME IS SUGGS...

THAT'S NOT HIS REAL NAME.
HIS REAL NAME IS SUGGS...
ERNEST SUGGS.

HIS REAL NAME IS SUGGS...
ERNEST SUGGS.
HE, UH, HE EATS SOIL.

ERNEST SUGGS.
HE, UH, HE EATS SOIL.
[LAUGHTER]

HE, UH, HE EATS SOIL.
[LAUGHTER]
BEAUTIFUL ACT.

[LAUGHTER]
BEAUTIFUL ACT.
TROUBLE IS, HE WON'T TRAVEL.

BEAUTIFUL ACT.
TROUBLE IS, HE WON'T TRAVEL.
HATES... HATES PLANES.

TROUBLE IS, HE WON'T TRAVEL.
HATES... HATES PLANES.
HAS TO GO EVERYWHERE BY

HATES... HATES PLANES.
HAS TO GO EVERYWHERE BY
HORSEBACK.

HAS TO GO EVERYWHERE BY
HORSEBACK.
ANYWAY, I MEAN, MICHAEL, YOU

HORSEBACK.
ANYWAY, I MEAN, MICHAEL, YOU
KNOW, AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM...

ANYWAY, I MEAN, MICHAEL, YOU
KNOW, AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM...
AND I STOOD BY HIM THROUGH ALL

KNOW, AS MUCH AS I LOVE HIM...
AND I STOOD BY HIM THROUGH ALL
THE DIFFICULT YEARS OF DENTAL

AND I STOOD BY HIM THROUGH ALL
THE DIFFICULT YEARS OF DENTAL
SURGERY... MICHAEL IS OF A NEW

THE DIFFICULT YEARS OF DENTAL
SURGERY... MICHAEL IS OF A NEW
SCHOOL OF ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW.

SURGERY... MICHAEL IS OF A NEW
SCHOOL OF ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW.
HE'S HAD IT TOO EASY.

SCHOOL OF ENTERTAINER, YOU KNOW.
HE'S HAD IT TOO EASY.
I MEAN, IN MY DAY, WE ALL HAD AN

HE'S HAD IT TOO EASY.
I MEAN, IN MY DAY, WE ALL HAD AN
ACT, YOU KNOW.

I MEAN, IN MY DAY, WE ALL HAD AN
ACT, YOU KNOW.
THAT WAS THE WAR, OF COURSE, BUT

ACT, YOU KNOW.
THAT WAS THE WAR, OF COURSE, BUT
WE ALL HAD AN ACT.

THAT WAS THE WAR, OF COURSE, BUT
WE ALL HAD AN ACT.
CHURCHILL HAD HIS ACT.

WE ALL HAD AN ACT.
CHURCHILL HAD HIS ACT.
ANTHONY EDEN HAD HIS ACT.

CHURCHILL HAD HIS ACT.
ANTHONY EDEN HAD HIS ACT.
THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING

ANTHONY EDEN HAD HIS ACT.
THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING
HAPPENING WE COULD DO WHEN THE

THERE WAS ALWAYS SOMETHING
HAPPENING WE COULD DO WHEN THE
BOMBS WERE DROPPING.

HAPPENING WE COULD DO WHEN THE
BOMBS WERE DROPPING.
PEOPLE... IT WAS A LOVELY

BOMBS WERE DROPPING.
PEOPLE... IT WAS A LOVELY
ATMOSPHERE... PEOPLE WOULD GO

PEOPLE... IT WAS A LOVELY
ATMOSPHERE... PEOPLE WOULD GO
DOWN IN THE UNDERGROUND STATIONS

ATMOSPHERE... PEOPLE WOULD GO
DOWN IN THE UNDERGROUND STATIONS
AND DO THEIR ACT.

DOWN IN THE UNDERGROUND STATIONS
AND DO THEIR ACT.
THAT'S HOW JANET BALLSWORTH MET

AND DO THEIR ACT.
THAT'S HOW JANET BALLSWORTH MET
PEPE.

THAT'S HOW JANET BALLSWORTH MET
PEPE.
THE REST IS HISTORY.

PEPE.
THE REST IS HISTORY.
THAT'S HOW I WORKED OUT MY ACT,

THE REST IS HISTORY.
THAT'S HOW I WORKED OUT MY ACT,
WHICH I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF

THAT'S HOW I WORKED OUT MY ACT,
WHICH I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF
SHOWING TO HIS MAJESTY

WHICH I HAD THE GREAT HONOR OF
SHOWING TO HIS MAJESTY
KING GEORGE VI IN 1943.

SHOWING TO HIS MAJESTY
KING GEORGE VI IN 1943.
[SNIFFS]

KING GEORGE VI IN 1943.
[SNIFFS]
DO YOU, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

[SNIFFS]
DO YOU, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE THE ACT?

DO YOU, UH, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
SEE THE ACT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SEE THE ACT?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MIGHT AS WELL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
MIGHT AS WELL.
HEY, BOYS, DO YOU KNOW

MIGHT AS WELL.
HEY, BOYS, DO YOU KNOW
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"?

HEY, BOYS, DO YOU KNOW
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"?
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER." GREAT!

"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"?
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER." GREAT!
RIGHT, ALL I NEED NOW IS A PLATE

"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER." GREAT!
RIGHT, ALL I NEED NOW IS A PLATE
OF, UH, SEAFOOD SALAD.

RIGHT, ALL I NEED NOW IS A PLATE
OF, UH, SEAFOOD SALAD.
DO WE HAVE ANY SEAFOOD SALAD?

OF, UH, SEAFOOD SALAD.
DO WE HAVE ANY SEAFOOD SALAD?
WE HAVE SOME DOWN HERE, SIR.

DO WE HAVE ANY SEAFOOD SALAD?
WE HAVE SOME DOWN HERE, SIR.
RIGHT, COULD YOU PASS IT

WE HAVE SOME DOWN HERE, SIR.
RIGHT, COULD YOU PASS IT
THROUGH, PLEASE?

RIGHT, COULD YOU PASS IT
THROUGH, PLEASE?
LOVELY, YES.

THROUGH, PLEASE?
LOVELY, YES.
GIVE HIM A HAND.

LOVELY, YES.
GIVE HIM A HAND.
YES, YOU'LL GET IT BACK AT THE

GIVE HIM A HAND.
YES, YOU'LL GET IT BACK AT THE
END OF THE SHOW.

YES, YOU'LL GET IT BACK AT THE
END OF THE SHOW.
[APPLAUSE]

END OF THE SHOW.
[APPLAUSE]
RIGHT, AND A COUPLE OF HOUSEHOLD

[APPLAUSE]
RIGHT, AND A COUPLE OF HOUSEHOLD
CATS... TWO DOMESTIC CATS.

RIGHT, AND A COUPLE OF HOUSEHOLD
CATS... TWO DOMESTIC CATS.
DO WE HAVE ANY DOMESTIC CATS?

CATS... TWO DOMESTIC CATS.
DO WE HAVE ANY DOMESTIC CATS?
[CAT MEOWS]

DO WE HAVE ANY DOMESTIC CATS?
[CAT MEOWS]
NO, NO. TWO. TWO IS ALL WE NEED.

[CAT MEOWS]
NO, NO. TWO. TWO IS ALL WE NEED.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

NO, NO. TWO. TWO IS ALL WE NEED.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, JUST THE FIRST TWO THAT

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
YEAH, JUST THE FIRST TWO THAT
COME TO HAND.

YEAH, JUST THE FIRST TWO THAT
COME TO HAND.
JUST BRING THEM DOWN HERE.

COME TO HAND.
JUST BRING THEM DOWN HERE.
NICE LITTLE SQUEAKERS.

JUST BRING THEM DOWN HERE.
NICE LITTLE SQUEAKERS.
BRING THEM DOWN. LOVELY.

NICE LITTLE SQUEAKERS.
BRING THEM DOWN. LOVELY.
COUPLE LITTLE ONES, VERY GOOD.

BRING THEM DOWN. LOVELY.
COUPLE LITTLE ONES, VERY GOOD.
NOW... I HAVEN'T DONE IT FOR A

COUPLE LITTLE ONES, VERY GOOD.
NOW... I HAVEN'T DONE IT FOR A
WHILE.

NOW... I HAVEN'T DONE IT FOR A
WHILE.
JUST HOPE I CAN REMEMBER IT.

WHILE.
JUST HOPE I CAN REMEMBER IT.
WELL, HERE GOES.

JUST HOPE I CAN REMEMBER IT.
WELL, HERE GOES.
A-ONE, A-TWO, A-ONE, TWO, THREE,

WELL, HERE GOES.
A-ONE, A-TWO, A-ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR!

A-ONE, A-TWO, A-ONE, TWO, THREE,
FOUR!
[BAND PLAYS

FOUR!
[BAND PLAYS
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"]

[BAND PLAYS
"WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"]
♪ THERE'LL BE... ♪

["WHITE CLIFFS OF DOVER"]
♪ THERE'LL BE... ♪
♪ THE WHITE... ♪

♪ THERE'LL BE... ♪
♪ THE WHITE... ♪
IN THERE.

♪ THE WHITE... ♪
IN THERE.
♪ DOVER ♪

IN THERE.
♪ DOVER ♪
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HERE WE GO.

[APPLAUSE]

[RHYTHMIC APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!

THANK YOU!
THANK YOU!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!

THANK YOU!
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

JOHN BELUSHI IS ON HIS WAY TO

A GOLD MEDAL IN THE DECATHLON.

THEY'RE SETTING THE BAR AT

7 FEET.

HERE'S HIS APPROACH.

[CROWD CHEERING]
AND HE GOT IT!
BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD!

AND HE GOT IT!
BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD!
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S

BELUSHI'S WON THE GOLD!
NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD!

NOW HE'S GOING FOR THE WORLD'S
RECORD!
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE!

RECORD!
HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE!
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.

HE'S MAKING HIS MOVE!
THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.

THEY'RE IN THE FINAL TURN.
HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!

HE'S KICKING IT IN.
HE'S GOT IT!
[CROWD CHEERING]

HE'S GOT IT!
[CROWD CHEERING]
A SPECTACULAR TIME... A NEW

[CROWD CHEERING]
A SPECTACULAR TIME... A NEW
WORLD'S RECORD.

A SPECTACULAR TIME... A NEW
WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.

WORLD'S RECORD.
UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!

UNBELIEVABLE.
WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!
I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES

WHAT A DAY FOR JOHN BELUSHI!
I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES
TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I

I LOGGED A LOT OF MILES
TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I
DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...

TRAINING FOR THAT DAY, AND I
DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.

DOWNED A LOT OF DONUTS...
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.
THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT

LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS.
THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT
THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING

THEY TASTE GOOD, AND THEY'VE GOT
THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING
IN THE MORNING.

THE SUGAR I NEED TO GET ME GOING
IN THE MORNING.
THAT'S WHY

IN THE MORNING.
THAT'S WHY
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS HAVE

THAT'S WHY
LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS HAVE
BEEN ON MY TRAINING TABLE SINCE

LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS HAVE
BEEN ON MY TRAINING TABLE SINCE
I WAS A KID.

BEEN ON MY TRAINING TABLE SINCE
I WAS A KID.
[LAUGHTER]

LITTLE CHOCOLATE DONUTS...

THE DONUTS OF CHAMPIONS.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, FATHER.
I'LL SAY THE "HAIL MARY," AND I
PROMISE I'LL NEVER DO THAT

I'LL SAY THE "HAIL MARY," AND I
PROMISE I'LL NEVER DO THAT
AGAIN.

PROMISE I'LL NEVER DO THAT
AGAIN.
[Irish accent] THAT'S ALL

AGAIN.
[Irish accent] THAT'S ALL
RIGHT, MY CHILD.

[Irish accent] THAT'S ALL
RIGHT, MY CHILD.
YOU'RE ABSOLVED.

RIGHT, MY CHILD.
YOU'RE ABSOLVED.
BUT IF YOU SHOULD SUCCUMB TO THE

YOU'RE ABSOLVED.
BUT IF YOU SHOULD SUCCUMB TO THE
TEMPTATION AGAIN, I SUGGEST YOU

BUT IF YOU SHOULD SUCCUMB TO THE
TEMPTATION AGAIN, I SUGGEST YOU
USE A SPRAY AFTERWARDS.

TEMPTATION AGAIN, I SUGGEST YOU
USE A SPRAY AFTERWARDS.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

USE A SPRAY AFTERWARDS.
I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
THANK YOU, FATHER.

I'LL REMEMBER THAT.
THANK YOU, FATHER.
RIGHTO.

THANK YOU, FATHER.
RIGHTO.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ARE YOU

RIGHTO.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ARE YOU
TERENCE O'NEILL?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, BUT ARE YOU
TERENCE O'NEILL?
YES, I AM.

TERENCE O'NEILL?
YES, I AM.
I'M EARL UNDERGAARD.

YES, I AM.
I'M EARL UNDERGAARD.
I'M A FIELD AGENT WITH THE

I'M EARL UNDERGAARD.
I'M A FIELD AGENT WITH THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.

I'M A FIELD AGENT WITH THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS THAT I'D

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS THAT I'D
LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR TAX

I HAVE A FEW QUESTIONS THAT I'D
LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR TAX
RETURN LAST YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.

LIKE TO ASK YOU ABOUT YOUR TAX
RETURN LAST YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.
UH, FATHER O'NEILL.

RETURN LAST YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.
UH, FATHER O'NEILL.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

UH, FATHER O'NEILL.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
CONGRATULATIONS.

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU CAN CLAIM THAT AS A

CONGRATULATIONS.
YOU CAN CLAIM THAT AS A
DEDUCTION NEXT YEAR.

YOU CAN CLAIM THAT AS A
DEDUCTION NEXT YEAR.
OKAY.

DEDUCTION NEXT YEAR.
OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

OKAY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M MORE INTERESTED IN THIS

[CLEARS THROAT]
I'M MORE INTERESTED IN THIS
YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.

I'M MORE INTERESTED IN THIS
YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.
THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR, YOU

YEAR, MR. O'NEILL.
THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR, YOU
UNDERSTAND, MR. UNDERGAARD.

THIS IS HIGHLY IRREGULAR, YOU
UNDERSTAND, MR. UNDERGAARD.
WELL, THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A

UNDERSTAND, MR. UNDERGAARD.
WELL, THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A
SECOND.

WELL, THIS WILL ONLY TAKE A
SECOND.
I GOT A JOB TO DO.

SECOND.
I GOT A JOB TO DO.
WE GOT TO CATCH THEM WHILE WE

I GOT A JOB TO DO.
WE GOT TO CATCH THEM WHILE WE
CAN, YOU KNOW?

WE GOT TO CATCH THEM WHILE WE
CAN, YOU KNOW?
OKAY, YOUR OCCUPATION, SIR, IS?

CAN, YOU KNOW?
OKAY, YOUR OCCUPATION, SIR, IS?
ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE OF A

OKAY, YOUR OCCUPATION, SIR, IS?
ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE OF A
CALLING, REALLY.

ACTUALLY, IT'S MORE OF A
CALLING, REALLY.
PRIEST. IS THAT RIGHT?

CALLING, REALLY.
PRIEST. IS THAT RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.

PRIEST. IS THAT RIGHT?
THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YEAH, YEAH.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN AT THIS

YEAH, YEAH.
HOW LONG YOU BEEN AT THIS
PRESENT OCCUPATION, SIR?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN AT THIS
PRESENT OCCUPATION, SIR?
22 YEARS.

PRESENT OCCUPATION, SIR?
22 YEARS.
22 YEARS, AND THEY COULDN'T

22 YEARS.
22 YEARS, AND THEY COULDN'T
FIND YOU A BIGGER OFFICE?

22 YEARS, AND THEY COULDN'T
FIND YOU A BIGGER OFFICE?
I KNOW HOW IT IS.

FIND YOU A BIGGER OFFICE?
I KNOW HOW IT IS.
OKAY, IT SAYS HERE YOU EARNED

I KNOW HOW IT IS.
OKAY, IT SAYS HERE YOU EARNED
$2,800 LAST YEAR.

OKAY, IT SAYS HERE YOU EARNED
$2,800 LAST YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.

$2,800 LAST YEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S THE STANDARD COMPENSATION

THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S THE STANDARD COMPENSATION
FOR A SERVANT OF THE LORD.

THAT'S THE STANDARD COMPENSATION
FOR A SERVANT OF THE LORD.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS, SIR.

FOR A SERVANT OF THE LORD.
LET ME ASK YOU THIS, SIR.
HOW CAN A GUY WHO MAKES $2,800 A

LET ME ASK YOU THIS, SIR.
HOW CAN A GUY WHO MAKES $2,800 A
YEAR AFFORD TO TAKE A TRIP TO

HOW CAN A GUY WHO MAKES $2,800 A
YEAR AFFORD TO TAKE A TRIP TO
ITALY?

YEAR AFFORD TO TAKE A TRIP TO
ITALY?
THE CHURCH PAID FOR PART OF

ITALY?
THE CHURCH PAID FOR PART OF
THE EXPENSES.

THE CHURCH PAID FOR PART OF
THE EXPENSES.
IT WAS A PILGRIMAGE TO ROME TO

THE EXPENSES.
IT WAS A PILGRIMAGE TO ROME TO
SEE HIS HOLINESS.

IT WAS A PILGRIMAGE TO ROME TO
SEE HIS HOLINESS.
WHOSE HOLINESS?

SEE HIS HOLINESS.
WHOSE HOLINESS?
HIS HOLINESS.

WHOSE HOLINESS?
HIS HOLINESS.
BUT NOT YOUR HOLINESS?

HIS HOLINESS.
BUT NOT YOUR HOLINESS?
NO, NO, HIS HOLINESS.

BUT NOT YOUR HOLINESS?
NO, NO, HIS HOLINESS.
WELL, I'M SORRY, MR. O'NEILL.

NO, NO, HIS HOLINESS.
WELL, I'M SORRY, MR. O'NEILL.
IF HE'S NOT YOUR HOLINESS,

WELL, I'M SORRY, MR. O'NEILL.
IF HE'S NOT YOUR HOLINESS,
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.

IF HE'S NOT YOUR HOLINESS,
YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.
THESE DEDUCTIONS ARE NOT

YOU'RE OUT OF LUCK.
THESE DEDUCTIONS ARE NOT
TRANSFERABLE.

THESE DEDUCTIONS ARE NOT
TRANSFERABLE.
YOU HAVE $175 HERE FOR FLORENCE.

TRANSFERABLE.
YOU HAVE $175 HERE FOR FLORENCE.
SOME GIRL YOU KNOW IN ITALY?

YOU HAVE $175 HERE FOR FLORENCE.
SOME GIRL YOU KNOW IN ITALY?
I WAS VISITING THE SHRINE.

SOME GIRL YOU KNOW IN ITALY?
I WAS VISITING THE SHRINE.
THAT'S WHAT A PILGRIMAGE IS ALL

I WAS VISITING THE SHRINE.
THAT'S WHAT A PILGRIMAGE IS ALL
ABOUT.

THAT'S WHAT A PILGRIMAGE IS ALL
ABOUT.
YOU HAVE ANY RECEIPTS FROM

ABOUT.
YOU HAVE ANY RECEIPTS FROM
THOSE SHRINES?

YOU HAVE ANY RECEIPTS FROM
THOSE SHRINES?
NO, SHRINES DO NOT GIVE

THOSE SHRINES?
NO, SHRINES DO NOT GIVE
RECEIPTS.

NO, SHRINES DO NOT GIVE
RECEIPTS.
THAT'S TOO BAD.

RECEIPTS.
THAT'S TOO BAD.
THE NAME OF THE GAME IS

THAT'S TOO BAD.
THE NAME OF THE GAME IS
DOCUMENTATION, MR. O'NEILL.

THE NAME OF THE GAME IS
DOCUMENTATION, MR. O'NEILL.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE

DOCUMENTATION, MR. O'NEILL.
YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE
IN THIS COUNTRY WHO MAKE

YOU KNOW, THERE ARE SOME PEOPLE
IN THIS COUNTRY WHO MAKE
$1 MILLION A YEAR, AND THEY

IN THIS COUNTRY WHO MAKE
$1 MILLION A YEAR, AND THEY
DON'T PAY A PENNY IN TAXES.

$1 MILLION A YEAR, AND THEY
DON'T PAY A PENNY IN TAXES.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?

DON'T PAY A PENNY IN TAXES.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
THEY KEEP THEIR RECEIPTS.

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY?
THEY KEEP THEIR RECEIPTS.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE

THEY KEEP THEIR RECEIPTS.
WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE
SOME BUSINESS HERE TO TEND TO.

WELL, EXCUSE ME, BUT I HAVE
SOME BUSINESS HERE TO TEND TO.
WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR

SOME BUSINESS HERE TO TEND TO.
WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR
HIS LUNCH, BE SURE TO GET A

WELL, IF YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR
HIS LUNCH, BE SURE TO GET A
RECEIPT.

HIS LUNCH, BE SURE TO GET A
RECEIPT.
[Voice breaking] FORGIVE

RECEIPT.
[Voice breaking] FORGIVE
ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.

[Voice breaking] FORGIVE
ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
[SNIFFLES]

ME, FATHER, FOR I HAVE SINNED.
[SNIFFLES]
THESE ARE MY SINS.

[SNIFFLES]
THESE ARE MY SINS.
IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS, FATHER,

THESE ARE MY SINS.
IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS, FATHER,
I HAVE MADE CLOSE TO

IN THE PAST FIVE YEARS, FATHER,
I HAVE MADE CLOSE TO
$30 MILLION, AND I AIN'T PAID

I HAVE MADE CLOSE TO
$30 MILLION, AND I AIN'T PAID
NOT ONE PENNY IN TAXES.

$30 MILLION, AND I AIN'T PAID
NOT ONE PENNY IN TAXES.
YOU MUST HAVE SAVED THE

NOT ONE PENNY IN TAXES.
YOU MUST HAVE SAVED THE
RECEIPTS.

YOU MUST HAVE SAVED THE
RECEIPTS.
NO. NO, FATHER.

RECEIPTS.
NO. NO, FATHER.
I FALSIFIED MY EXPENSE ACCOUNTS.

NO. NO, FATHER.
I FALSIFIED MY EXPENSE ACCOUNTS.
I FORGED CHECKS TO NONEXISTENT

I FALSIFIED MY EXPENSE ACCOUNTS.
I FORGED CHECKS TO NONEXISTENT
CHARITIES.

I FORGED CHECKS TO NONEXISTENT
CHARITIES.
I MADE FALSE CLAIMS FOR STOCK

CHARITIES.
I MADE FALSE CLAIMS FOR STOCK
LOSSES.

I MADE FALSE CLAIMS FOR STOCK
LOSSES.
MAN, EVERY ILLEGAL TAX SHELTER

LOSSES.
MAN, EVERY ILLEGAL TAX SHELTER
IN THE BOOK... YOU NAME IT, I

MAN, EVERY ILLEGAL TAX SHELTER
IN THE BOOK... YOU NAME IT, I
DID IT, FATHER.

IN THE BOOK... YOU NAME IT, I
DID IT, FATHER.
I DID IT. [SNIFFLES]

DID IT, FATHER.
I DID IT. [SNIFFLES]
BOY. OOH, THAT FEELS GOOD TO GET

I DID IT. [SNIFFLES]
BOY. OOH, THAT FEELS GOOD TO GET
IT OFF MY CHEST.

BOY. OOH, THAT FEELS GOOD TO GET
IT OFF MY CHEST.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TURN

IT OFF MY CHEST.
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TURN
YOURSELF IN TO THE PROPER

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TURN
YOURSELF IN TO THE PROPER
AUTHORITIES?

YOURSELF IN TO THE PROPER
AUTHORITIES?
I'M SURE THAT WOULD BE GREATER

AUTHORITIES?
I'M SURE THAT WOULD BE GREATER
RELIEF FOR YOU.

I'M SURE THAT WOULD BE GREATER
RELIEF FOR YOU.
YOU CRAZY, FATHER?!

RELIEF FOR YOU.
YOU CRAZY, FATHER?!
THEY'D LOCK ME UP QUICKER THAN

YOU CRAZY, FATHER?!
THEY'D LOCK ME UP QUICKER THAN
YOU COULD SAY, UH, "JOE LOUIS."

THEY'D LOCK ME UP QUICKER THAN
YOU COULD SAY, UH, "JOE LOUIS."
MAN, LOOK, THE ONLY REASON WHY I

YOU COULD SAY, UH, "JOE LOUIS."
MAN, LOOK, THE ONLY REASON WHY I
CAME HERE TO TELL YOU IS BECAUSE

MAN, LOOK, THE ONLY REASON WHY I
CAME HERE TO TELL YOU IS BECAUSE
I HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY, AND I

CAME HERE TO TELL YOU IS BECAUSE
I HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY, AND I
KNEW IT WOULDN'T GO ANY FURTHER.

I HAD TO TELL SOMEBODY, AND I
KNEW IT WOULDN'T GO ANY FURTHER.
[SNIFFLES] IT WON'T GO ANY

KNEW IT WOULDN'T GO ANY FURTHER.
[SNIFFLES] IT WON'T GO ANY
FURTHER, WILL IT, FATHER?

FATHER O'NEILL HAS A MORAL
DILEMMA.
AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH, DOES HE

DILEMMA.
AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH, DOES HE
PROTECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF

AS A MAN OF THE CLOTH, DOES HE
PROTECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF
THE CONFESSIONAL, OR, AS

PROTECT THE CONFIDENTIALITY OF
THE CONFESSIONAL, OR, AS
CONCERNED CITIZEN, DOES HE

THE CONFESSIONAL, OR, AS
CONCERNED CITIZEN, DOES HE
REPORT A CRIME THAT COSTS ALL OF

CONCERNED CITIZEN, DOES HE
REPORT A CRIME THAT COSTS ALL OF
US HONEST TAXPAYERS A LOT OF

REPORT A CRIME THAT COSTS ALL OF
US HONEST TAXPAYERS A LOT OF
MONEY?

US HONEST TAXPAYERS A LOT OF
MONEY?
[ORGAN PLAYS]

MONEY?
[ORGAN PLAYS]
WHO WOULD A PRIEST TURN TO TO

[ORGAN PLAYS]
WHO WOULD A PRIEST TURN TO TO
SOLVE THIS DILEMMA?

WHO WOULD A PRIEST TURN TO TO
SOLVE THIS DILEMMA?
WELL, THAT ANSWER IS OBVIOUS.

HELLO, I'M HENRY BROCK OF
H&L BROCK WITH STILL ANOTHER
REASON WHY YOU SHOULD COME TO

H&L BROCK WITH STILL ANOTHER
REASON WHY YOU SHOULD COME TO
US.

REASON NUMBER 12... WE SOLVE

MORAL DILEMMAS.

NO MATTER WHAT YOUR DILEMMA, IF

IT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH

TAXES, H&L BROCK'S TRAINED

PHILOSOPHERS AND CERTIFIED TAX

THEOLOGIANS WILL HELP YOU

WRESTLE WITH IT.

I MAY NOT BE THE LORD, BUT WHEN

IT COMES TO TAXES, I'M THE NEXT

BEST THING.

H&L BROCK... THE ORDAINED TAX

PEOPLE.

[APPLAUSE]

AH. HELLO.
AS AN ACTOR, ONE FINDS ONESELF
CONSTANTLY STRIVING OR SEEKING,

AS AN ACTOR, ONE FINDS ONESELF
CONSTANTLY STRIVING OR SEEKING,
IF YOU WILL, NEW OPPORTUNITIES

CONSTANTLY STRIVING OR SEEKING,
IF YOU WILL, NEW OPPORTUNITIES
TO EXTEND ONE'S DRAMATIC RANGE.

IF YOU WILL, NEW OPPORTUNITIES
TO EXTEND ONE'S DRAMATIC RANGE.
THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I HAVE CHOSEN

TO EXTEND ONE'S DRAMATIC RANGE.
THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I HAVE CHOSEN
TO CONFRONT MY GREATEST

THAT'S WHY TONIGHT I HAVE CHOSEN
TO CONFRONT MY GREATEST
CHALLENGE AS AN ARTIST... TO

TO CONFRONT MY GREATEST
CHALLENGE AS AN ARTIST... TO
PORTRAY THE POET TRIGORIN IN A

CHALLENGE AS AN ARTIST... TO
PORTRAY THE POET TRIGORIN IN A
SCENE FROM ANTON CHEKHOV'S

PORTRAY THE POET TRIGORIN IN A
SCENE FROM ANTON CHEKHOV'S
"THE SEAGULL."

SCENE FROM ANTON CHEKHOV'S
"THE SEAGULL."
WELL, I SHALL BE ENDEAVORING

"THE SEAGULL."
WELL, I SHALL BE ENDEAVORING
TONIGHT TO BRING SOMETHING NEW

WELL, I SHALL BE ENDEAVORING
TONIGHT TO BRING SOMETHING NEW
TO THE ROLE OF TRIGORIN.

TONIGHT TO BRING SOMETHING NEW
TO THE ROLE OF TRIGORIN.
I SHALL ATTEMPT IT WHILE

TO THE ROLE OF TRIGORIN.
I SHALL ATTEMPT IT WHILE
ESCAPING FROM A PADLOCKED

I SHALL ATTEMPT IT WHILE
ESCAPING FROM A PADLOCKED
STEEL-FRAME AIRTIGHT STEAMER

ESCAPING FROM A PADLOCKED
STEEL-FRAME AIRTIGHT STEAMER
TRUNK.

STEEL-FRAME AIRTIGHT STEAMER
TRUNK.
I WILL ALSO BE STRAITJACKETED,

TRUNK.
I WILL ALSO BE STRAITJACKETED,
MANACLED, GAGGED, AND BOUND IN A

I WILL ALSO BE STRAITJACKETED,
MANACLED, GAGGED, AND BOUND IN A
STURDY CANVAS BAG.

MANACLED, GAGGED, AND BOUND IN A
STURDY CANVAS BAG.
THE POET TRIGORIN IS A

STURDY CANVAS BAG.
THE POET TRIGORIN IS A
PARADOXICAL FIGURE... BOTH

THE POET TRIGORIN IS A
PARADOXICAL FIGURE... BOTH
SENSITIVE ARTIST AND UNFEELING

PARADOXICAL FIGURE... BOTH
SENSITIVE ARTIST AND UNFEELING
CAD.

SENSITIVE ARTIST AND UNFEELING
CAD.
IT IS HE WHO SEDUCES AND

CAD.
IT IS HE WHO SEDUCES AND
ABANDONS THE ACTRESS NINA, THUS

IT IS HE WHO SEDUCES AND
ABANDONS THE ACTRESS NINA, THUS
MOTIVATING THE SUICIDE OF HIS

ABANDONS THE ACTRESS NINA, THUS
MOTIVATING THE SUICIDE OF HIS
FRIEND TREPLEV.

MOTIVATING THE SUICIDE OF HIS
FRIEND TREPLEV.
OF COURSE, THE TRUNK ESCAPE HAS

FRIEND TREPLEV.
OF COURSE, THE TRUNK ESCAPE HAS
BEEN PERFORMED BEFORE... MOST

OF COURSE, THE TRUNK ESCAPE HAS
BEEN PERFORMED BEFORE... MOST
RECENTLY BY THE NORWEGIAN ACTOR

BEEN PERFORMED BEFORE... MOST
RECENTLY BY THE NORWEGIAN ACTOR
SOREN KNUDSEN IN A PRODUCTION OF

RECENTLY BY THE NORWEGIAN ACTOR
SOREN KNUDSEN IN A PRODUCTION OF
IBSEN'S "THE MASTER BUILDER."

SOREN KNUDSEN IN A PRODUCTION OF
IBSEN'S "THE MASTER BUILDER."
BUT I SHALL BE ATTEMPTING

IBSEN'S "THE MASTER BUILDER."
BUT I SHALL BE ATTEMPTING
TONIGHT TO BREAK HIS RECORD OF

BUT I SHALL BE ATTEMPTING
TONIGHT TO BREAK HIS RECORD OF
ONE MINUTE AND FIVE SECONDS.

TONIGHT TO BREAK HIS RECORD OF
ONE MINUTE AND FIVE SECONDS.
FURTHERMORE, I SHALL BE

ONE MINUTE AND FIVE SECONDS.
FURTHERMORE, I SHALL BE
ATTEMPTING TO COME IN ON THE

FURTHERMORE, I SHALL BE
ATTEMPTING TO COME IN ON THE
EXACT MOMENT OF MY CUE... "GOOD

ATTEMPTING TO COME IN ON THE
EXACT MOMENT OF MY CUE... "GOOD
MORNING, BORIS ALEKSEYEVICH."

EXACT MOMENT OF MY CUE... "GOOD
MORNING, BORIS ALEKSEYEVICH."
SO... OH... LET US JOIN ACT II

MORNING, BORIS ALEKSEYEVICH."
SO... OH... LET US JOIN ACT II
OF CHEKHOV'S "THE SEAGULL,"

SO... OH... LET US JOIN ACT II
OF CHEKHOV'S "THE SEAGULL,"
ALREADY IN PROGRESS.

[GIGGLES]
[CHUCKLES]
[MUMBLING]

BUT HERE THEY ARE, CRYING,
FISHING, PLAYING CARDS,
LAUGHING, AND LOSING THEIR

FISHING, PLAYING CARDS,
LAUGHING, AND LOSING THEIR
TEMPERS, JUST LIKE EVERYONE

LAUGHING, AND LOSING THEIR
TEMPERS, JUST LIKE EVERYONE
ELSE.

TEMPERS, JUST LIKE EVERYONE
ELSE.
[SIGHS]

ARE YOU ALONE HERE?
ALONE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I WAS SO LOW AS TO KILL THIS

ALONE? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?
I WAS SO LOW AS TO KILL THIS
SEAGULL TODAY.

I WAS SO LOW AS TO KILL THIS
SEAGULL TODAY.
I LAY IT AT YOUR FEET.

SEAGULL TODAY.
I LAY IT AT YOUR FEET.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I LAY IT AT YOUR FEET.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
SOON, IN THE SAME WAY, I

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?
SOON, IN THE SAME WAY, I
SHALL KILL MYSELF.

SOON, IN THE SAME WAY, I
SHALL KILL MYSELF.
I HARDLY KNOW YOU.

SHALL KILL MYSELF.
I HARDLY KNOW YOU.
YES. EVER SINCE I BEGAN TO

I HARDLY KNOW YOU.
YES. EVER SINCE I BEGAN TO
FEEL THAT, I NO LONGER KNOW YOU.

YES. EVER SINCE I BEGAN TO
FEEL THAT, I NO LONGER KNOW YOU.
YOU'VE CHANGED TOWARDS ME.

FEEL THAT, I NO LONGER KNOW YOU.
YOU'VE CHANGED TOWARDS ME.
YOUR EYES ARE COLD.

YOU'VE CHANGED TOWARDS ME.
YOUR EYES ARE COLD.
I'M IN YOUR WAY.

YOUR EYES ARE COLD.
I'M IN YOUR WAY.
YOU'VE BECOME SO IRRITABLE

I'M IN YOUR WAY.
YOU'VE BECOME SO IRRITABLE
LATELY, AND WHENEVER YOU SAY

YOU'VE BECOME SO IRRITABLE
LATELY, AND WHENEVER YOU SAY
ANYTHING, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

LATELY, AND WHENEVER YOU SAY
ANYTHING, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
YOU.

ANYTHING, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
YOU.
IT'S AS IF YOU WERE TALKING IN

YOU.
IT'S AS IF YOU WERE TALKING IN
SYMBOLS.

IT'S AS IF YOU WERE TALKING IN
SYMBOLS.
THIS SEAGULL, I SUPPOSE, IS

SYMBOLS.
THIS SEAGULL, I SUPPOSE, IS
ANOTHER SYMBOL, BUT... PUT IT

THIS SEAGULL, I SUPPOSE, IS
ANOTHER SYMBOL, BUT... PUT IT
THERE, YAKOV.

BUT, FORGIVE ME, I DON'T

UNDERSTAND YOU.

I AM TOO SIMPLE TO UNDERSTAND

YOU.

THIS BEGAN THE EVENING THAT

MY PLAY FAILED SO STUPIDLY.

WOMEN NEVER FORGIVE FAILURE.

I'VE BURNT IT ALL... EVERYTHING

TO THE LAST SCRAP.

IF YOU ONLY KNEW HOW UNHAPPY I

AM.

YOUR COLDNESS IS AWFUL.

IT'S UNBELIEVABLE.

IT'S AS IF I'VE WOKEN UP AND THE

LAKE HAD SUDDENLY DRIED OR

SUNKEN INTO THE EARTH.

YOU SAID JUST NOW THAT YOU ARE

TOO SIMPLE TO UNDERSTAND ME.

OH? WHAT IS THERE TO UNDERSTAND?

MY PLAY WAS NOT LIKED, YOU

DESPISE MY INSPIRATION, YOU

ALREADY CONSIDER ME MEDIOCRE AND

INSIGNIFICANT LIKE SO MANY

OTHERS.

HOW WELL I UNDERSTAND IT... HOW

WELL.

I FEEL AS IF I HAD A SPIKE IN MY

BRAIN, MAY IT BE DAMNED ALONG

WITH MY PRIDE, WHICH IS SUCKING

MY BLOOD... SUCKING IT LIKE A

VIPER.

HERE COMES THE REAL GENIUS,

WALKING LIKE HAMLET AND WITH A

BOOK.

"WORDS, WORDS, WORDS..."

THE SUN HAS HARDLY REACHED YOU,

BUT ALREADY YOU ARE SMILING.

YOUR GLANCE IS MELTING IN ITS

RAYS.

I WON'T STAND IN YOUR WAY.

[GRUNTING LOUDLY]

[BREATHING HEAVILY]

UGHHH! UGH!

GOOD MORNING,

BORIS ALEKSEYEVICH!

GOOD MORNING.

THINGS HAVE TAKEN AN UNEXPECTED

TURN.

WE ARE LEAVING FOR MOSCOW TODAY.

TIME! TIME, PLEASE! TIME!

[BELL DINGS]

THANK YOU!

COULD I HAVE A TIME ON THAT,

PLEASE?

ONE MINUTE, 28 SECONDS!

WHAT?! HEY, COME BACK!
ONE MINUTE WHAT?!
THAT WAS NEVER... OH, WE DID IT

ONE MINUTE WHAT?!
THAT WAS NEVER... OH, WE DID IT
1 MINUTE, 7 ON... OH, I DON'T

THAT WAS NEVER... OH, WE DID IT
1 MINUTE, 7 ON... OH, I DON'T
BELIEVE THAT!

1 MINUTE, 7 ON... OH, I DON'T
BELIEVE THAT!
THE CLOCK WAS RIGGED!

BELIEVE THAT!
THE CLOCK WAS RIGGED!
NO, NO, MICHAEL, I HAVE

THE CLOCK WAS RIGGED!
NO, NO, MICHAEL, I HAVE
ONE MINUTE, 28 SECONDS.

NO, NO, MICHAEL, I HAVE
ONE MINUTE, 28 SECONDS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

ONE MINUTE, 28 SECONDS.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YEAH, I DO, TOO, MIKE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
YEAH, I DO, TOO, MIKE.
THAT WAS... OKAY, OKAY.

YEAH, I DO, TOO, MIKE.
THAT WAS... OKAY, OKAY.
WELL, THAT WAS... NO, THAT WAS

THAT WAS... OKAY, OKAY.
WELL, THAT WAS... NO, THAT WAS
JUST A START, JUST A

WELL, THAT WAS... NO, THAT WAS
JUST A START, JUST A
RUN-THROUGH.

JUST A START, JUST A
RUN-THROUGH.
WE'LL DO IT PROBABLY NEXT TIME,

RUN-THROUGH.
WE'LL DO IT PROBABLY NEXT TIME,
ALL RIGHT?

WE'LL DO IT PROBABLY NEXT TIME,
ALL RIGHT?
MICHAEL, WE GOT TO MOVE ON.

ALL RIGHT?
MICHAEL, WE GOT TO MOVE ON.
COME ON.

MICHAEL, WE GOT TO MOVE ON.
COME ON.
OH, JUST ONE MORE!

COME ON.
OH, JUST ONE MORE!
NO.

OH, JUST ONE MORE!
NO.
ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S HOW YOU

NO.
ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S HOW YOU
FEEL.

ALL RIGHT, IF THAT'S HOW YOU
FEEL.
[Sarcastically] SUITS ME

FEEL.
[Sarcastically] SUITS ME
FINE... FINE!

[Sarcastically] SUITS ME
FINE... FINE!
I DON'T NEED THIS... YOUR

FINE... FINE!
I DON'T NEED THIS... YOUR
BROODY, PRETENTIOUS RUSSIAN

I DON'T NEED THIS... YOUR
BROODY, PRETENTIOUS RUSSIAN
DRAWING-ROOM DRAMAS, YOUR

BROODY, PRETENTIOUS RUSSIAN
DRAWING-ROOM DRAMAS, YOUR
ANTEDILUVIAN, HOLLOW, DESICCATED

DRAWING-ROOM DRAMAS, YOUR
ANTEDILUVIAN, HOLLOW, DESICCATED
CLASSICS!

ANTEDILUVIAN, HOLLOW, DESICCATED
CLASSICS!
I NEVER WANTED TO BE AN ACTOR

CLASSICS!
I NEVER WANTED TO BE AN ACTOR
ANYWAY.

I NEVER WANTED TO BE AN ACTOR
ANYWAY.
I WANTED TO BE...

ANYWAY.
I WANTED TO BE...
A CLAIMS ADJUSTER!

I WANTED TO BE...
A CLAIMS ADJUSTER!
THAT WAS THE LIFE... ADJUSTING

A CLAIMS ADJUSTER!
THAT WAS THE LIFE... ADJUSTING
PEOPLE'S CLAIMS, WORKING IN MY

THAT WAS THE LIFE... ADJUSTING
PEOPLE'S CLAIMS, WORKING IN MY
CUBBYHOLE IN THE INSURANCE

PEOPLE'S CLAIMS, WORKING IN MY
CUBBYHOLE IN THE INSURANCE
COMPANY, PORING OVER A FAT STACK

CUBBYHOLE IN THE INSURANCE
COMPANY, PORING OVER A FAT STACK
OF ACTUARIAL TABLES!

COMPANY, PORING OVER A FAT STACK
OF ACTUARIAL TABLES!
MICHAEL, MICHAEL!

OF ACTUARIAL TABLES!
MICHAEL, MICHAEL!
DRAWING UP VOUCHERS FOR WATER

MICHAEL, MICHAEL!
DRAWING UP VOUCHERS FOR WATER
DAMAGE TO PEOPLE'S BASEMENTS,

DRAWING UP VOUCHERS FOR WATER
DAMAGE TO PEOPLE'S BASEMENTS,
JOINING A CARPOOL WITH OTHER

DAMAGE TO PEOPLE'S BASEMENTS,
JOINING A CARPOOL WITH OTHER
CLAIMS ADJUSTERS AND TALKING

JOINING A CARPOOL WITH OTHER
CLAIMS ADJUSTERS AND TALKING
SHOP AS THEY GO TO WORK!

CLAIMS ADJUSTERS AND TALKING
SHOP AS THEY GO TO WORK!
PARTICIPATING IN A DIZZY ROUND

SHOP AS THEY GO TO WORK!
PARTICIPATING IN A DIZZY ROUND
OF CLAIMS-ADJUSTING ACTIVITIES!

PARTICIPATING IN A DIZZY ROUND
OF CLAIMS-ADJUSTING ACTIVITIES!
MICHAEL, SHUT UP.

OF CLAIMS-ADJUSTING ACTIVITIES!
MICHAEL, SHUT UP.
CONVENTIONS, LABOR DAY

MICHAEL, SHUT UP.
CONVENTIONS, LABOR DAY
PICNICS, SUBSCRIBING TO EXCITING

CONVENTIONS, LABOR DAY
PICNICS, SUBSCRIBING TO EXCITING
PUBLICATIONS LIKE

PICNICS, SUBSCRIBING TO EXCITING
PUBLICATIONS LIKE
NATIONAL CLAIMS ADJUSTER,

PUBLICATIONS LIKE
NATIONAL CLAIMS ADJUSTER,
INSURANCE WORLD,

NATIONAL CLAIMS ADJUSTER,
INSURANCE WORLD,
INSURANCE TRIWEEKLY,

INSURANCE WORLD,
INSURANCE TRIWEEKLY,
NUEVO INSURANCIA.

INSURANCE TRIWEEKLY,
NUEVO INSURANCIA.
♪ OH, I'M A CLAIMS ADJUSTER... ♪

NUEVO INSURANCIA.
♪ OH, I'M A CLAIMS ADJUSTER... ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

IN THE YEAR 1970, A GROUP
CALLED THE CHI-LITES RECORDED A
SONG WHICH BECAME AN INSTANT

CALLED THE CHI-LITES RECORDED A
SONG WHICH BECAME AN INSTANT
CLASSIC.

SONG WHICH BECAME AN INSTANT
CLASSIC.
THE MAN WHO WROTE THAT SONG...

CLASSIC.
THE MAN WHO WROTE THAT SONG...
AND THE FORMER LEADER OF THE

THE MAN WHO WROTE THAT SONG...
AND THE FORMER LEADER OF THE
CHI-LITES... IS HERE WITH US

AND THE FORMER LEADER OF THE
CHI-LITES... IS HERE WITH US
TONIGHT.

CHI-LITES... IS HERE WITH US
TONIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

TONIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EUGENE RECORD!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
EUGENE RECORD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EUGENE RECORD!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ AH AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ AH AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪
♪ OOH ♪

♪ AH AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ AH AH-AH-AH-AH AH ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH-OOH-OOH-OOH ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
ONE MONTH AGO TODAY...

♪ OOH OOH ♪
ONE MONTH AGO TODAY...
I WAS HAPPY AS A LARK...

ONE MONTH AGO TODAY...
I WAS HAPPY AS A LARK...
♪ OOH ♪

I WAS HAPPY AS A LARK...
♪ OOH ♪
BUT NOW I GO FOR WALKS...

♪ OOH ♪
BUT NOW I GO FOR WALKS...
TO THE MOVIES...

BUT NOW I GO FOR WALKS...
TO THE MOVIES...
MAYBE TO THE PARK.

TO THE MOVIES...
MAYBE TO THE PARK.
♪ AH AH ♪

MAYBE TO THE PARK.
♪ AH AH ♪
HAVE A SEAT ON THE SAME OLD

♪ AH AH ♪
HAVE A SEAT ON THE SAME OLD
BENCH...

HAVE A SEAT ON THE SAME OLD
BENCH...
TO WATCH THE CHILDREN PLAY.

BENCH...
TO WATCH THE CHILDREN PLAY.
♪ OOH ♪

TO WATCH THE CHILDREN PLAY.
♪ OOH ♪
YOU KNOW, TOMORROW'S THEIR

♪ OOH ♪
YOU KNOW, TOMORROW'S THEIR
FUTURE...

YOU KNOW, TOMORROW'S THEIR
FUTURE...
BUT FOR ME, IT'S JUST ANOTHER

FUTURE...
BUT FOR ME, IT'S JUST ANOTHER
DAY.

BUT FOR ME, IT'S JUST ANOTHER
DAY.
♪ AH AH ♪

DAY.
♪ AH AH ♪
THEY ALL GATHER 'ROUND ME,

♪ AH AH ♪
THEY ALL GATHER 'ROUND ME,
YEAH.

THEY ALL GATHER 'ROUND ME,
YEAH.
HAH.

YEAH.
HAH.
WELL, THEY SEEM TO KNOW MY NAME.

HAH.
WELL, THEY SEEM TO KNOW MY NAME.
♪ OOH ♪

WELL, THEY SEEM TO KNOW MY NAME.
♪ OOH ♪
WELL, WE LAUGH, TELL A FEW

♪ OOH ♪
WELL, WE LAUGH, TELL A FEW
JOKES...

WELL, WE LAUGH, TELL A FEW
JOKES...
BUT IT STILL DOESN'T EASE MY

JOKES...
BUT IT STILL DOESN'T EASE MY
PAIN.

BUT IT STILL DOESN'T EASE MY
PAIN.
♪ AH AH AH ♪

PAIN.
♪ AH AH AH ♪
WELL, I KNOW I CAN'T HIDE

♪ AH AH AH ♪
WELL, I KNOW I CAN'T HIDE
FROM A MEMORY...

WELL, I KNOW I CAN'T HIDE
FROM A MEMORY...
THOUGH DAY AFTER DAY, I TRY.

FROM A MEMORY...
THOUGH DAY AFTER DAY, I TRY.
♪ OOH ♪

THOUGH DAY AFTER DAY, I TRY.
♪ OOH ♪
I KEEP SAYIN' SHE'LL BE BACK,

♪ OOH ♪
I KEEP SAYIN' SHE'LL BE BACK,
BUT TODAY AGAIN I'VE LIED.

I KEEP SAYIN' SHE'LL BE BACK,
BUT TODAY AGAIN I'VE LIED.
♪ OH ♪

BUT TODAY AGAIN I'VE LIED.
♪ OH ♪
♪ I SEE HER FACE EVERYWHERE I

♪ OH ♪
♪ I SEE HER FACE EVERYWHERE I
GO ♪

♪ I SEE HER FACE EVERYWHERE I
GO ♪
♪ ON THE STREET AND EVEN AT THE

GO ♪
♪ ON THE STREET AND EVEN AT THE
PICTURE SHOW ♪

♪ ON THE STREET AND EVEN AT THE
PICTURE SHOW ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

PICTURE SHOW ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH, I HEAR HER VOICE AS THE

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH, I HEAR HER VOICE AS THE
COLD WINDS BLOW ♪

♪ OH, I HEAR HER VOICE AS THE
COLD WINDS BLOW ♪
♪ ON THE SWEET MUSIC ON MY

COLD WINDS BLOW ♪
♪ ON THE SWEET MUSIC ON MY
RADIO ♪

♪ ON THE SWEET MUSIC ON MY
RADIO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

RADIO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ WHY, OH, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ WHY, OH, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO
LEAVE AND GO AWAY? ♪

♪ WHY, OH, WHY DID SHE HAVE TO
LEAVE AND GO AWAY? ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

LEAVE AND GO AWAY? ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH OH-OH OH OH ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ OH OH-OH OH OH ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN USED TO HAVIN'

♪ OH OH-OH OH OH ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN USED TO HAVIN'
SOMEONE TO LEAN ON ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN USED TO HAVIN'
SOMEONE TO LEAN ON ♪
♪ AND I'M LOST ♪

SOMEONE TO LEAN ON ♪
♪ AND I'M LOST ♪
♪ BABY, I'M LOST ♪

♪ AND I'M LOST ♪
♪ BABY, I'M LOST ♪
♪ OH DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ BABY, I'M LOST ♪
♪ OH DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ OH DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH ♪
AS ANOTHER DAY COMES TO AN

♪ OH ♪
AS ANOTHER DAY COMES TO AN
END...

AS ANOTHER DAY COMES TO AN
END...
I'M LOOKIN' FOR A LETTER OR

END...
I'M LOOKIN' FOR A LETTER OR
SOMETHING.

I'M LOOKIN' FOR A LETTER OR
SOMETHING.
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

SOMETHING.
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
OR ANYTHING THAT SHE MIGHT

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
OR ANYTHING THAT SHE MIGHT
SEND.

OR ANYTHING THAT SHE MIGHT
SEND.
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN

SEND.
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪
WITH ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW...

HER? ♪
WITH ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW...
I'M STILL A LONELY MAN.

WITH ALL THE PEOPLE I KNOW...
I'M STILL A LONELY MAN.
♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪

I'M STILL A LONELY MAN.
♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY...

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY...
BUT I THOUGHT I HAD HER, YEAH,

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY...
BUT I THOUGHT I HAD HER, YEAH,
IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.

BUT I THOUGHT I HAD HER, YEAH,
IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN

IN THE PALM OF MY HAND.
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪
YES, I DID.

HER? ♪
YES, I DID.
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

YES, I DID.
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ DOO-DOO-DOO DOO DOO ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪

♪ TELL ME, HAVE YOU SEEN
HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH, OH, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OH, OH, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL
ME ♪

♪ OH, OH, TELL ME, TELL ME, TELL
ME ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

ME ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OHHHH ♪

♪ HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ OHHHH ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ OHHHH ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

SUSIE ChapStick GAINS 200
POUNDS.
THAT AND MORE COMING UP ON

POUNDS.
THAT AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THAT AND MORE COMING UP ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,

AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SIRHAN WRAP,

THE "WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM,
BROUGHT TO YOU BY SIRHAN WRAP,
THE FOIL THAT PROTECTS YOUR

BROUGHT TO YOU BY SIRHAN WRAP,
THE FOIL THAT PROTECTS YOUR
SANDWICHES FROM ARAB ASSASSINS.

THE FOIL THAT PROTECTS YOUR
SANDWICHES FROM ARAB ASSASSINS.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

SANDWICHES FROM ARAB ASSASSINS.
HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.

HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
GOOD EVENING, I'M

JANE CURTIN AND DAN AYKROYD.
GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'M IN LOVE

GOOD EVENING, I'M
DAN AYKROYD, AND I'M IN LOVE
WITH THESE PAPER CLIPS.

DAN AYKROYD, AND I'M IN LOVE
WITH THESE PAPER CLIPS.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.

WITH THESE PAPER CLIPS.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN.
HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

HERE NOW THE NEWS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN A STATEMENT RELEASED BY THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
IN A STATEMENT RELEASED BY THE
WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT CARTER

IN A STATEMENT RELEASED BY THE
WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT CARTER
HAS DECIDED TO DEFER PRODUCTION

WHITE HOUSE, PRESIDENT CARTER
HAS DECIDED TO DEFER PRODUCTION
OF THE CONTROVERSIAL NEUTRON

HAS DECIDED TO DEFER PRODUCTION
OF THE CONTROVERSIAL NEUTRON
BOMB, WHICH DESTROYS HUMAN AND

OF THE CONTROVERSIAL NEUTRON
BOMB, WHICH DESTROYS HUMAN AND
ANIMAL LIFE BUT LEAVES CITIES

BOMB, WHICH DESTROYS HUMAN AND
ANIMAL LIFE BUT LEAVES CITIES
INTACT.

ANIMAL LIFE BUT LEAVES CITIES
INTACT.
AS A COMPROMISE MEASURE, CARTER

INTACT.
AS A COMPROMISE MEASURE, CARTER
ORDERED THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT

AS A COMPROMISE MEASURE, CARTER
ORDERED THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
TO CONTINUE PRODUCTION OF AN

ORDERED THE DEFENSE DEPARTMENT
TO CONTINUE PRODUCTION OF AN
ALTERNATE WEAPON... THE FIG

TO CONTINUE PRODUCTION OF AN
ALTERNATE WEAPON... THE FIG
NEUTRON, WHICH ONLY DESTROYS

ALTERNATE WEAPON... THE FIG
NEUTRON, WHICH ONLY DESTROYS
FRUIT-FILLED COOKIES BUT DOES

NEUTRON, WHICH ONLY DESTROYS
FRUIT-FILLED COOKIES BUT DOES
NOT AFFECT BAD PUNS.

FRUIT-FILLED COOKIES BUT DOES
NOT AFFECT BAD PUNS.
AND IN ACT OF AMERICAN GOODWILL,

NOT AFFECT BAD PUNS.
AND IN ACT OF AMERICAN GOODWILL,
THE PRESIDENT SHOOK HANDS WITH

AND IN ACT OF AMERICAN GOODWILL,
THE PRESIDENT SHOOK HANDS WITH
A NIGERIAN AMPUTEE WHO CAME TO

THE PRESIDENT SHOOK HANDS WITH
A NIGERIAN AMPUTEE WHO CAME TO
HIS COUNTRY TO BE FITTED WITH

A NIGERIAN AMPUTEE WHO CAME TO
HIS COUNTRY TO BE FITTED WITH
NEW LEGS.

HIS COUNTRY TO BE FITTED WITH
NEW LEGS.
ASKED ABOUT THE UNUSUAL LENGTH

NEW LEGS.
ASKED ABOUT THE UNUSUAL LENGTH
AND STYLING, CARTER ADMITTED HE

ASKED ABOUT THE UNUSUAL LENGTH
AND STYLING, CARTER ADMITTED HE
SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIS BROTHER,

AND STYLING, CARTER ADMITTED HE
SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIS BROTHER,
BILLY, PERFORM THE OPERATION.

SHOULDN'T HAVE LET HIS BROTHER,
BILLY, PERFORM THE OPERATION.
ACTRESS VANESSA REDGRAVE WAS

BILLY, PERFORM THE OPERATION.
ACTRESS VANESSA REDGRAVE WAS
KIDNAPPED AND FORCIBLY BRONZED

ACTRESS VANESSA REDGRAVE WAS
KIDNAPPED AND FORCIBLY BRONZED
YESTERDAY BY A GANG OF ISRAELI

KIDNAPPED AND FORCIBLY BRONZED
YESTERDAY BY A GANG OF ISRAELI
METALWORKERS, A SPLINTER GROUP

YESTERDAY BY A GANG OF ISRAELI
METALWORKERS, A SPLINTER GROUP
OF THE JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE.

METALWORKERS, A SPLINTER GROUP
OF THE JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE.
MS. REDGRAVE'S GOLD-PLATED

OF THE JEWISH DEFENSE LEAGUE.
MS. REDGRAVE'S GOLD-PLATED
OSCAR WAS REPORTEDLY UNHARMED.

MS. REDGRAVE'S GOLD-PLATED
OSCAR WAS REPORTEDLY UNHARMED.
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD

OSCAR WAS REPORTEDLY UNHARMED.
FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS A CANDIDATE

FORMER PRESIDENT GERALD FORD
ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS A CANDIDATE
FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.

ANNOUNCED THAT HE IS A CANDIDATE
FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
FORD SAID HE REALIZES HE LOST IN

FOR PRESIDENT IN 1980.
FORD SAID HE REALIZES HE LOST IN
'76 AND WILL RUN A DIFFERENT

FORD SAID HE REALIZES HE LOST IN
'76 AND WILL RUN A DIFFERENT
KIND OF CAMPAIGN IN '80,

'76 AND WILL RUN A DIFFERENT
KIND OF CAMPAIGN IN '80,
SPENDING MUCH LESS TIME

KIND OF CAMPAIGN IN '80,
SPENDING MUCH LESS TIME
WANDERING AIMLESSLY IN THE

SPENDING MUCH LESS TIME
WANDERING AIMLESSLY IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.

WANDERING AIMLESSLY IN THE
WHITE HOUSE.
FORD SAID HE WOULD AGAIN ASK

WHITE HOUSE.
FORD SAID HE WOULD AGAIN ASK
ROBERT DOLE TO BE HIS RUNNING

FORD SAID HE WOULD AGAIN ASK
ROBERT DOLE TO BE HIS RUNNING
MATE, BECAUSE, "IF I DIDN'T,

ROBERT DOLE TO BE HIS RUNNING
MATE, BECAUSE, "IF I DIDN'T,
IT'D PROVE I MADE A MISTAKE LAST

MATE, BECAUSE, "IF I DIDN'T,
IT'D PROVE I MADE A MISTAKE LAST
TIME.

IT'D PROVE I MADE A MISTAKE LAST
TIME.
WHERE AM I?"

TIME.
WHERE AM I?"
IN FIGURES RELEASED LAST WEEK,

WHERE AM I?"
IN FIGURES RELEASED LAST WEEK,
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH,

IN FIGURES RELEASED LAST WEEK,
THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH,
EDUCATION, AND WELFARE SAYS THAT

THE DEPARTMENT OF HEALTH,
EDUCATION, AND WELFARE SAYS THAT
THE SUICIDE RATE IN NORTHERN

EDUCATION, AND WELFARE SAYS THAT
THE SUICIDE RATE IN NORTHERN
NEW ENGLAND IS ANYWHERE FROM 50%

THE SUICIDE RATE IN NORTHERN
NEW ENGLAND IS ANYWHERE FROM 50%
TO 75% HIGHER THAN THE REST OF

NEW ENGLAND IS ANYWHERE FROM 50%
TO 75% HIGHER THAN THE REST OF
THE NATION.

TO 75% HIGHER THAN THE REST OF
THE NATION.
SO, TO A GOOD NUMBER OF OUR

THE NATION.
SO, TO A GOOD NUMBER OF OUR
YANKEE VIEWERS UP THERE IN

SO, TO A GOOD NUMBER OF OUR
YANKEE VIEWERS UP THERE IN
MAINE, VERMONT, AND

YANKEE VIEWERS UP THERE IN
MAINE, VERMONT, AND
NEW HAMPSHIRE, BYE-BYE.

MAINE, VERMONT, AND
NEW HAMPSHIRE, BYE-BYE.
ACTOR JOHN WAYNE UNDERWENT

NEW HAMPSHIRE, BYE-BYE.
ACTOR JOHN WAYNE UNDERWENT
OPEN-HEART SURGERY THIS WEEK AT

ACTOR JOHN WAYNE UNDERWENT
OPEN-HEART SURGERY THIS WEEK AT
MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL HOSPITAL,

OPEN-HEART SURGERY THIS WEEK AT
MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL HOSPITAL,
WHERE A DEFECTIVE PART OF HIS

MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL HOSPITAL,
WHERE A DEFECTIVE PART OF HIS
HEART WAS REPLACED WITH THE

WHERE A DEFECTIVE PART OF HIS
HEART WAS REPLACED WITH THE
HEART VALVE FROM A PIG,

HEART WAS REPLACED WITH THE
HEART VALVE FROM A PIG,
DISPLAYED HERE BY CHIEF SURGEON

HEART VALVE FROM A PIG,
DISPLAYED HERE BY CHIEF SURGEON
MORTIMER BUCKLEY, WHO TERMED THE

DISPLAYED HERE BY CHIEF SURGEON
MORTIMER BUCKLEY, WHO TERMED THE
OPERATION A SUCCESS.

MORTIMER BUCKLEY, WHO TERMED THE
OPERATION A SUCCESS.
MEANWHILE, THE DONOR PIG WAS IN

OPERATION A SUCCESS.
MEANWHILE, THE DONOR PIG WAS IN
CRITICAL CONDITION AT

MEANWHILE, THE DONOR PIG WAS IN
CRITICAL CONDITION AT
MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL PIGPEN.

CRITICAL CONDITION AT
MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL PIGPEN.
MR. WAYNE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD THAT

MASSACHUSETTS GENERAL PIGPEN.
MR. WAYNE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD THAT
THE PIG IS A COMMUNIST.

MR. WAYNE HAS NOT BEEN TOLD THAT
THE PIG IS A COMMUNIST.
THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON,

THE PIG IS A COMMUNIST.
THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON,
TONGSUN PARK, THE SOUTH KOREAN

THIS WEEK IN WASHINGTON,
TONGSUN PARK, THE SOUTH KOREAN
INFLUENCE PEDDLER, TESTIFIED

TONGSUN PARK, THE SOUTH KOREAN
INFLUENCE PEDDLER, TESTIFIED
THAT HE ACTUALLY PAID OVER

INFLUENCE PEDDLER, TESTIFIED
THAT HE ACTUALLY PAID OVER
$800,000 IN BRIBES TO 30 CURRENT

THAT HE ACTUALLY PAID OVER
$800,000 IN BRIBES TO 30 CURRENT
AND FORMER CONGRESSMEN.

$800,000 IN BRIBES TO 30 CURRENT
AND FORMER CONGRESSMEN.
TONIGHT, MR. PARK HAS AGREED TO

AND FORMER CONGRESSMEN.
TONIGHT, MR. PARK HAS AGREED TO
COME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" AND

TONIGHT, MR. PARK HAS AGREED TO
COME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" AND
CLEAR UP SOME OF THE QUESTIONS

COME ON "WEEKEND UPDATE" AND
CLEAR UP SOME OF THE QUESTIONS
CONCERNING THESE PAYMENTS.

CLEAR UP SOME OF THE QUESTIONS
CONCERNING THESE PAYMENTS.
MR. PARK, UH, YOU'VE CLAIMED

CONCERNING THESE PAYMENTS.
MR. PARK, UH, YOU'VE CLAIMED
THAT YOUR PAYMENTS WERE NOT ON

MR. PARK, UH, YOU'VE CLAIMED
THAT YOUR PAYMENTS WERE NOT ON
BEHALF OF THE SOUTH KOREAN

THAT YOUR PAYMENTS WERE NOT ON
BEHALF OF THE SOUTH KOREAN
GOVERNMENT.

BEHALF OF THE SOUTH KOREAN
GOVERNMENT.
UH, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.

GOVERNMENT.
UH, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S RIGHT.

UH, YEAH, THAT'S TRUE.
THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, UH, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT

THAT'S RIGHT.
WELL, UH, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT
YOU WERE AN AGENT OF THE KOREAN

WELL, UH, ISN'T IT TRUE THAT
YOU WERE AN AGENT OF THE KOREAN
CIA?

YOU WERE AN AGENT OF THE KOREAN
CIA?
UH, YES, SURE, UH-HUH.

CIA?
UH, YES, SURE, UH-HUH.
UH, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT

UH, YES, SURE, UH-HUH.
UH, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE.

UH, WAIT, WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT
A MINUTE.
TONGSUN PARK TESTIFIED THAT HE

A MINUTE.
TONGSUN PARK TESTIFIED THAT HE
NEVER WORKED FOR THE KCIA.

TONGSUN PARK TESTIFIED THAT HE
NEVER WORKED FOR THE KCIA.
THAT'S RIGHT, I NEVER WORKED

NEVER WORKED FOR THE KCIA.
THAT'S RIGHT, I NEVER WORKED
FOR THE KCIA.

THAT'S RIGHT, I NEVER WORKED
FOR THE KCIA.
YOU'RE NOT TONGSUN PARK.

FOR THE KCIA.
YOU'RE NOT TONGSUN PARK.
SURE I AM.

YOU'RE NOT TONGSUN PARK.
SURE I AM.
I'M TONGSUN PARK.

SURE I AM.
I'M TONGSUN PARK.
OKAY, OKAY, IF YOU'RE

I'M TONGSUN PARK.
OKAY, OKAY, IF YOU'RE
TONGSUN PARK, HOW MUCH MONEY DID

OKAY, OKAY, IF YOU'RE
TONGSUN PARK, HOW MUCH MONEY DID
YOU TESTIFY THAT YOU GAVE TO

TONGSUN PARK, HOW MUCH MONEY DID
YOU TESTIFY THAT YOU GAVE TO
CONGRESSMAN OTTO PASSMAN?

YOU TESTIFY THAT YOU GAVE TO
CONGRESSMAN OTTO PASSMAN?
UM...$10,000?

CONGRESSMAN OTTO PASSMAN?
UM...$10,000?
UNH-UNH, $200,000.

UM...$10,000?
UNH-UNH, $200,000.
DANNY, THIS MAN IS NOT

UNH-UNH, $200,000.
DANNY, THIS MAN IS NOT
TONGSUN PARK.

DANNY, THIS MAN IS NOT
TONGSUN PARK.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

TONGSUN PARK.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HE MUST BE TONGSUN PARK.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
HE MUST BE TONGSUN PARK.
HE GAVE ME $5,000 TO APPEAR ON

HE MUST BE TONGSUN PARK.
HE GAVE ME $5,000 TO APPEAR ON
THE SHOW.

HE GAVE ME $5,000 TO APPEAR ON
THE SHOW.
OKAY, ARE YOU TONGSUN PARK?

THE SHOW.
OKAY, ARE YOU TONGSUN PARK?
NO, JANE, I'M LEE KIM.

OKAY, ARE YOU TONGSUN PARK?
NO, JANE, I'M LEE KIM.
MY FATHER'S A WEALTHY

NO, JANE, I'M LEE KIM.
MY FATHER'S A WEALTHY
SOUTH KOREAN INDUSTRIALIST, AND

MY FATHER'S A WEALTHY
SOUTH KOREAN INDUSTRIALIST, AND
I'D LIKE TO BECOME A

SOUTH KOREAN INDUSTRIALIST, AND
I'D LIKE TO BECOME A
PROFESSIONAL ACTOR, BUT I HAVE

I'D LIKE TO BECOME A
PROFESSIONAL ACTOR, BUT I HAVE
HAD DIFFICULTY BREAKING IN TO

PROFESSIONAL ACTOR, BUT I HAVE
HAD DIFFICULTY BREAKING IN TO
AMERICAN TV, EVEN THOUGH MY

HAD DIFFICULTY BREAKING IN TO
AMERICAN TV, EVEN THOUGH MY
CREDITS ARE VERY GOOD.

AMERICAN TV, EVEN THOUGH MY
CREDITS ARE VERY GOOD.
I PLAYED TEVYE IN

CREDITS ARE VERY GOOD.
I PLAYED TEVYE IN
"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF" AT THE

I PLAYED TEVYE IN
"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF" AT THE
PYONGYANG CIRCLE DINNER THEATER,

"FIDDLER ON THE ROOF" AT THE
PYONGYANG CIRCLE DINNER THEATER,
I WAS NATHAN DETROIT IN

PYONGYANG CIRCLE DINNER THEATER,
I WAS NATHAN DETROIT IN
"GUYS AND DOLLS" AT THE

I WAS NATHAN DETROIT IN
"GUYS AND DOLLS" AT THE
SEOUL MELODY TENT, AND I PLAYED

"GUYS AND DOLLS" AT THE
SEOUL MELODY TENT, AND I PLAYED
STANLEY KOWALSKI IN

SEOUL MELODY TENT, AND I PLAYED
STANLEY KOWALSKI IN
"A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE"...

STANLEY KOWALSKI IN
"A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE"...
MR. KIM, MR. KIM, MR. KIM!

"A STREETCAR NAMED DESIRE"...
MR. KIM, MR. KIM, MR. KIM!
MR. KIM, THAT'S ALL VERY WELL

MR. KIM, MR. KIM, MR. KIM!
MR. KIM, THAT'S ALL VERY WELL
AND GOOD, BUT THIS IS A NEWS

MR. KIM, THAT'S ALL VERY WELL
AND GOOD, BUT THIS IS A NEWS
SHOW, AND WE'VE ALREADY SPENT A

AND GOOD, BUT THIS IS A NEWS
SHOW, AND WE'VE ALREADY SPENT A
LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON IT AS IT

SHOW, AND WE'VE ALREADY SPENT A
LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON IT AS IT
IS.

LITTLE TOO MUCH TIME ON IT AS IT
IS.
UH, WELL, THANKS A LOT FOR

IS.
UH, WELL, THANKS A LOT FOR
COMING ON, MR. KIM, AND YOU'RE

UH, WELL, THANKS A LOT FOR
COMING ON, MR. KIM, AND YOU'RE
WELCOME BACK ANYTIME.

COMING ON, MR. KIM, AND YOU'RE
WELCOME BACK ANYTIME.
THANK YOU.

WELCOME BACK ANYTIME.
THANK YOU.
THANKS.

THANK YOU.
THANKS.
IN A DETROIT BANK THIS WEEK,

THANKS.
IN A DETROIT BANK THIS WEEK,
A GANG OF BANK ROBBERS WAS

IN A DETROIT BANK THIS WEEK,
A GANG OF BANK ROBBERS WAS
ATTACKED, DISARMED, AND BEHEADED

A GANG OF BANK ROBBERS WAS
ATTACKED, DISARMED, AND BEHEADED
BY AN OFF-DUTY POLICEMAN WHO

ATTACKED, DISARMED, AND BEHEADED
BY AN OFF-DUTY POLICEMAN WHO
HAPPENED TO BE MAKING A DEPOSIT.

BY AN OFF-DUTY POLICEMAN WHO
HAPPENED TO BE MAKING A DEPOSIT.
THE POLICEMAN, WHO PREFERRED TO

HAPPENED TO BE MAKING A DEPOSIT.
THE POLICEMAN, WHO PREFERRED TO
HIDE HIS IDENTITY, NOT ONLY

THE POLICEMAN, WHO PREFERRED TO
HIDE HIS IDENTITY, NOT ONLY
REFUSED A REWARD BUT OFFERED TO

HIDE HIS IDENTITY, NOT ONLY
REFUSED A REWARD BUT OFFERED TO
MOP UP THE BANK FREE OF CHARGE.

REFUSED A REWARD BUT OFFERED TO
MOP UP THE BANK FREE OF CHARGE.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

MOP UP THE BANK FREE OF CHARGE.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
HOW QUICKLY THEY TURN.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
HOW QUICKLY THEY TURN.
[LAUGHTER]

HOW QUICKLY THEY TURN.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW REPRESENTING THE

[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW REPRESENTING THE
EDITORIAL OPINION OF

AND NOW REPRESENTING THE
EDITORIAL OPINION OF
"WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE IS

EDITORIAL OPINION OF
"WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE IS
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI

"WEEKEND UPDATE," HERE IS
CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI
COMMENTING ON THE

CORRESPONDENT JOHN BELUSHI
COMMENTING ON THE
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL SITUATION.

COMMENTING ON THE
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL SITUATION.
JOHN?

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL SITUATION.
JOHN?
THANK YOU, JANE.

JOHN?
THANK YOU, JANE.
THANK YOU.

AS YOU KNOW, DUE TO CONTINUING

LOSS OF REVENUE, THE

ROCKEFELLERS ANNOUNCED THEIR

INTENTION OF TEARING DOWN

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL TO PUT UP

AN OFFICE BUILDING ON TOP OF

THIS PRIME PIECE OF REAL ESTATE.

NOW, I'M FROM CHICAGO, BUT THIS
REALLY UPSETS ME.
I MEAN, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE

REALLY UPSETS ME.
I MEAN, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE
FIRST TIME I WENT TO RADIO CITY.

I MEAN, I'LL NEVER FORGET THE
FIRST TIME I WENT TO RADIO CITY.
UH [CLEARS THROAT] I WENT TO

FIRST TIME I WENT TO RADIO CITY.
UH [CLEARS THROAT] I WENT TO
VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS.

UH [CLEARS THROAT] I WENT TO
VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS.
MY PARENTS TOOK ME TO

VISIT MY GRANDPARENTS.
MY PARENTS TOOK ME TO
RADIO CITY, AND I SAW

MY PARENTS TOOK ME TO
RADIO CITY, AND I SAW
"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES."

RADIO CITY, AND I SAW
"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES."
I HAD A GREAT TIME.

"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES."
I HAD A GREAT TIME.
I REMEMBER, THE USHERS EVEN

I HAD A GREAT TIME.
I REMEMBER, THE USHERS EVEN
LIFTED ME UP SO I COULD GET A

I REMEMBER, THE USHERS EVEN
LIFTED ME UP SO I COULD GET A
DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN.

LIFTED ME UP SO I COULD GET A
DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL ART

DRINK FROM THE FOUNTAIN.
THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL ART
DECO FOUNTAIN.

THERE WAS THIS BEAUTIFUL ART
DECO FOUNTAIN.
I MEAN, THE ENTIRE PLACE IS

DECO FOUNTAIN.
I MEAN, THE ENTIRE PLACE IS
GORGEOUS, AND THEY DON'T JUST

I MEAN, THE ENTIRE PLACE IS
GORGEOUS, AND THEY DON'T JUST
SHOW MOVIES THERE.

GORGEOUS, AND THEY DON'T JUST
SHOW MOVIES THERE.
THEY HAVE ALL SORTS OF LIVE

SHOW MOVIES THERE.
THEY HAVE ALL SORTS OF LIVE
SHOWS, ALL SORTS OF THINGS LIKE

THEY HAVE ALL SORTS OF LIVE
SHOWS, ALL SORTS OF THINGS LIKE
THE ROCKETTES.

SHOWS, ALL SORTS OF THINGS LIKE
THE ROCKETTES.
I MEAN, THE PLACE IS GREAT.

THE ROCKETTES.
I MEAN, THE PLACE IS GREAT.
IF THEY NEED MORE OFFICE SPACE,

I MEAN, THE PLACE IS GREAT.
IF THEY NEED MORE OFFICE SPACE,
WHY DON'T THEY TEAR DOWN

IF THEY NEED MORE OFFICE SPACE,
WHY DON'T THEY TEAR DOWN
ROSELAND OR CBGB's?

WHY DON'T THEY TEAR DOWN
ROSELAND OR CBGB's?
THEY'RE FIRETRAPS ANYWAY.

ROSELAND OR CBGB's?
THEY'RE FIRETRAPS ANYWAY.
WHAT ABOUT

THEY'RE FIRETRAPS ANYWAY.
WHAT ABOUT
SAINT PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL, HUH?

WHAT ABOUT
SAINT PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL, HUH?
IT'S ONLY 50 YARDS AWAY FROM

SAINT PATRICK'S CATHEDRAL, HUH?
IT'S ONLY 50 YARDS AWAY FROM
THERE, AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO

IT'S ONLY 50 YARDS AWAY FROM
THERE, AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO
PAY... THEY DON'T DO HALF THE

THERE, AND THEY DON'T HAVE TO
PAY... THEY DON'T DO HALF THE
BUSINESS RADIO CITY DOES.

PAY... THEY DON'T DO HALF THE
BUSINESS RADIO CITY DOES.
THEY DON'T PAY ANY LAND TAXES.

BUSINESS RADIO CITY DOES.
THEY DON'T PAY ANY LAND TAXES.
YOU WOULDN'T TEAR THAT DOWN.

THEY DON'T PAY ANY LAND TAXES.
YOU WOULDN'T TEAR THAT DOWN.
OF COURSE NOT.

YOU WOULDN'T TEAR THAT DOWN.
OF COURSE NOT.
SO WHY RADIO CITY?

OF COURSE NOT.
SO WHY RADIO CITY?
NOW, IN OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY

SO WHY RADIO CITY?
NOW, IN OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY
HAVE RESPECT FOR BEAUTIFUL

NOW, IN OTHER COUNTRIES, THEY
HAVE RESPECT FOR BEAUTIFUL
BUILDINGS... NOTRE DAME,

HAVE RESPECT FOR BEAUTIFUL
BUILDINGS... NOTRE DAME,
BIG BEN, DODGER STADIUM.

BUILDINGS... NOTRE DAME,
BIG BEN, DODGER STADIUM.
THE PYRAMIDS ARE STILL STANDING,

BIG BEN, DODGER STADIUM.
THE PYRAMIDS ARE STILL STANDING,
AND NO ONE COULD EVEN GET IN

THE PYRAMIDS ARE STILL STANDING,
AND NO ONE COULD EVEN GET IN
THERE FOR 200 YEARS.

AND NO ONE COULD EVEN GET IN
THERE FOR 200 YEARS.
IN GREECE, THEY GOT THE

THERE FOR 200 YEARS.
IN GREECE, THEY GOT THE
PARTHENON.

IN GREECE, THEY GOT THE
PARTHENON.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?

PARTHENON.
AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
I'VE BEEN THERE.

AND YOU WANT TO KNOW SOMETHING?
I'VE BEEN THERE.
THE PLACE IS HALF THE SIZE OF A

I'VE BEEN THERE.
THE PLACE IS HALF THE SIZE OF A
HOCKEY RINK, THERE'S NO ROOM, NO

THE PLACE IS HALF THE SIZE OF A
HOCKEY RINK, THERE'S NO ROOM, NO
SHOW, NO FOOD INSIDE, AND

HOCKEY RINK, THERE'S NO ROOM, NO
SHOW, NO FOOD INSIDE, AND
THEY'RE NOT TEARING THAT DOWN.

SHOW, NO FOOD INSIDE, AND
THEY'RE NOT TEARING THAT DOWN.
IT'S A GOOD THING ROCKEFELLER

THEY'RE NOT TEARING THAT DOWN.
IT'S A GOOD THING ROCKEFELLER
DOESN'T OWN THE PARTHENON, OR

IT'S A GOOD THING ROCKEFELLER
DOESN'T OWN THE PARTHENON, OR
HE'D TEAR THAT DOWN, TOO!

DOESN'T OWN THE PARTHENON, OR
HE'D TEAR THAT DOWN, TOO!
HE DOESN'T CARE!

HE'D TEAR THAT DOWN, TOO!
HE DOESN'T CARE!
OKAY, LET ME FINISH, WILL YA?

HE DOESN'T CARE!
OKAY, LET ME FINISH, WILL YA?
NOW, LOOK AT INDIA.

OKAY, LET ME FINISH, WILL YA?
NOW, LOOK AT INDIA.
NOW, THERE'S A PLACE THAT REALLY

NOW, LOOK AT INDIA.
NOW, THERE'S A PLACE THAT REALLY
COULD USE SOME MONEY FOR SOME

NOW, THERE'S A PLACE THAT REALLY
COULD USE SOME MONEY FOR SOME
OFFICE SPACE.

COULD USE SOME MONEY FOR SOME
OFFICE SPACE.
NOW, THEY GOT THE TAJ MAHAL.

OFFICE SPACE.
NOW, THEY GOT THE TAJ MAHAL.
NOW, THE PLACE IS 500 YEARS OLD

NOW, THEY GOT THE TAJ MAHAL.
NOW, THE PLACE IS 500 YEARS OLD
AND WAS BUILT BY SOME RAJA FOR

NOW, THE PLACE IS 500 YEARS OLD
AND WAS BUILT BY SOME RAJA FOR
HIS DEAD WIFE, AND THERE'S NOT

AND WAS BUILT BY SOME RAJA FOR
HIS DEAD WIFE, AND THERE'S NOT
ONE SINGLE DRINKING FOUNTAIN IN

HIS DEAD WIFE, AND THERE'S NOT
ONE SINGLE DRINKING FOUNTAIN IN
THAT WHOLE PLACE... NOT ONE!

ONE SINGLE DRINKING FOUNTAIN IN
THAT WHOLE PLACE... NOT ONE!
JOHN...

THAT WHOLE PLACE... NOT ONE!
JOHN...
DON'T TOUCH ME, CURTIN!

JOHN...
DON'T TOUCH ME, CURTIN!
NOW, IF THERE WAS...

DON'T TOUCH ME, CURTIN!
NOW, IF THERE WAS...
AND I'M... I'M TELLING YA, EVEN

NOW, IF THERE WAS...
AND I'M... I'M TELLING YA, EVEN
IF THERE WAS A DRINKING FOUNTAIN

AND I'M... I'M TELLING YA, EVEN
IF THERE WAS A DRINKING FOUNTAIN
IN THE TAJ MAHAL, THE USHER

IF THERE WAS A DRINKING FOUNTAIN
IN THE TAJ MAHAL, THE USHER
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIFT YOU UP

IN THE TAJ MAHAL, THE USHER
WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIFT YOU UP
BECAUSE HE'S TOO WEAK AND HE'S

WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO LIFT YOU UP
BECAUSE HE'S TOO WEAK AND HE'S
SKINNY.

BECAUSE HE'S TOO WEAK AND HE'S
SKINNY.
YOU KNOW WHY HE'S WEAK AND

SKINNY.
YOU KNOW WHY HE'S WEAK AND
SKINNY?

YOU KNOW WHY HE'S WEAK AND
SKINNY?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EAT MEAT

SKINNY?
BECAUSE THEY DON'T EAT MEAT
THERE!

BECAUSE THEY DON'T EAT MEAT
THERE!
THEY'D RATHER STARVE THAN KILL A

THERE!
THEY'D RATHER STARVE THAN KILL A
COW!

THEY'D RATHER STARVE THAN KILL A
COW!
BUT DOES ROCKEFELLER CARE ABOUT

COW!
BUT DOES ROCKEFELLER CARE ABOUT
THE TAJ MAHAL?!

BUT DOES ROCKEFELLER CARE ABOUT
THE TAJ MAHAL?!
DOES HE CARE ABOUT THE

THE TAJ MAHAL?!
DOES HE CARE ABOUT THE
PYRAMIDS?!

DOES HE CARE ABOUT THE
PYRAMIDS?!
YOU'RE GETTING OFF THE

PYRAMIDS?!
YOU'RE GETTING OFF THE
SUBJECT.

YOU'RE GETTING OFF THE
SUBJECT.
SHUT UP!

SUBJECT.
SHUT UP!
DOES HE CARE ABOUT CHINA... THE

SHUT UP!
DOES HE CARE ABOUT CHINA... THE
GREAT WALL OF CHINA?

DOES HE CARE ABOUT CHINA... THE
GREAT WALL OF CHINA?
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL?

GREAT WALL OF CHINA?
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL?
HE COULD SAVE

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL?
HE COULD SAVE
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!

HE COULD SAVE
RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!
BUT NO-O-O!

RADIO CITY MUSIC HALL!
BUT NO-O-O!
OHH!

BUT NO-O-O!
OHH!
NO-O!

OHH!
NO-O!
HE'D RATHER HAVE MORE OFFICE

NO-O!
HE'D RATHER HAVE MORE OFFICE
SPACE!

HE'D RATHER HAVE MORE OFFICE
SPACE!
HE'S PROBABLY NEVER SEEN THE

SPACE!
HE'S PROBABLY NEVER SEEN THE
ROCKETTES!

HE'S PROBABLY NEVER SEEN THE
ROCKETTES!
HE PROBABLY NEVER SAW

ROCKETTES!
HE PROBABLY NEVER SAW
"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES" OR DRANK

HE PROBABLY NEVER SAW
"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES" OR DRANK
OUT OF THAT FOUNTAIN!

"GRIMM'S FAIRY TALES" OR DRANK
OUT OF THAT FOUNTAIN!
HE'S NOT GONNA...

OUT OF THAT FOUNTAIN!
HE'S NOT GONNA...
JOHN, JOHN!

HE'S NOT GONNA...
JOHN, JOHN!
THAT'S THE NEWS.

JOHN, JOHN!
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"

IS A PRESENTATION OF
"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"
KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED

"SATURDAY NIGHT NEWS,"
KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED
FOR OVER A 50th OF A CENTURY.

KEEPING AMERICA INFORMED
FOR OVER A 50th OF A CENTURY.
[APPLAUSE]

THANKS FOR WALKING ME HOME,
TODD.
WELL, UH, IF I DIDN'T TAKE

TODD.
WELL, UH, IF I DIDN'T TAKE
YOU HOME, UH, ROBERT DeMINTZ

WELL, UH, IF I DIDN'T TAKE
YOU HOME, UH, ROBERT DeMINTZ
WOULD HAVE.

YOU HOME, UH, ROBERT DeMINTZ
WOULD HAVE.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

WOULD HAVE.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
HE'S SO STUPID, HE TAKES A RULER

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
HE'S SO STUPID, HE TAKES A RULER
TO BED WITH HIM TO SEE HOW LONG

HE'S SO STUPID, HE TAKES A RULER
TO BED WITH HIM TO SEE HOW LONG
HE'S BEEN ASLEEP.

TO BED WITH HIM TO SEE HOW LONG
HE'S BEEN ASLEEP.
OHHH!

HE'S BEEN ASLEEP.
OHHH!
THAT JOKE'S SO OLD, THE LAST

OHHH!
THAT JOKE'S SO OLD, THE LAST
TIME I HEARD IT, I FELL OFF MY

THAT JOKE'S SO OLD, THE LAST
TIME I HEARD IT, I FELL OFF MY
DINOSAUR!

TIME I HEARD IT, I FELL OFF MY
DINOSAUR!
WATCH THIS. AAH!

DINOSAUR!
WATCH THIS. AAH!
OH, STOP IT, TODD.

WATCH THIS. AAH!
OH, STOP IT, TODD.
[GIGGLING]

OH, STOP IT, TODD.
[GIGGLING]
HEY, KIDS. HEY, TODD.

[GIGGLING]
HEY, KIDS. HEY, TODD.
GOOD AFTERNOON, MRS. LOOPNER.

HEY, KIDS. HEY, TODD.
GOOD AFTERNOON, MRS. LOOPNER.
[CHUCKLES]

GOOD AFTERNOON, MRS. LOOPNER.
[CHUCKLES]
WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD FROM THE

[CHUCKLES]
WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD FROM THE
KITCHEN, MRS. LOOPNER?

WHAT SMELLS SO GOOD FROM THE
KITCHEN, MRS. LOOPNER?
OH, NOTHING SPECIAL, TODD,

KITCHEN, MRS. LOOPNER?
OH, NOTHING SPECIAL, TODD,
JUST POT ROAST, MASHED POTATOES,

OH, NOTHING SPECIAL, TODD,
JUST POT ROAST, MASHED POTATOES,
AND FRESH SPINACH.

JUST POT ROAST, MASHED POTATOES,
AND FRESH SPINACH.
OH, YOU ALWAYS SERVE A

AND FRESH SPINACH.
OH, YOU ALWAYS SERVE A
BALANCED MEAL, MRS. LOOPNER.

OH, YOU ALWAYS SERVE A
BALANCED MEAL, MRS. LOOPNER.
[CHUCKLES] MMM.

BALANCED MEAL, MRS. LOOPNER.
[CHUCKLES] MMM.
THANK YOU, TODD.

[CHUCKLES] MMM.
THANK YOU, TODD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOR

THANK YOU, TODD.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOR
DINNER?

WOULD YOU LIKE TO STAY FOR
DINNER?
NO, MOM, NO!

DINNER?
NO, MOM, NO!
I WOULD BE HONORED TO,

NO, MOM, NO!
I WOULD BE HONORED TO,
MRS. LOOPNER, BUT I BETTER CALL

I WOULD BE HONORED TO,
MRS. LOOPNER, BUT I BETTER CALL
MY MOTHER SO SHE DOESN'T WORRY

MRS. LOOPNER, BUT I BETTER CALL
MY MOTHER SO SHE DOESN'T WORRY
ABOUT ME.

MY MOTHER SO SHE DOESN'T WORRY
ABOUT ME.
OH, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL,

ABOUT ME.
OH, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL,
TODD.

OH, THAT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL,
TODD.
YOU CAN USE THE PHONE IN THE

TODD.
YOU CAN USE THE PHONE IN THE
KITCHEN.

YOU CAN USE THE PHONE IN THE
KITCHEN.
Both: THANK YOU,

KITCHEN.
Both: THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.

Both: THANK YOU,
MRS. LOOPNER.
MOM!

MRS. LOOPNER.
MOM!
WHY DID YOU ASK TODD TO STAY FOR

MOM!
WHY DID YOU ASK TODD TO STAY FOR
DINNER?

WHY DID YOU ASK TODD TO STAY FOR
DINNER?
YOU KNOW TODAY I'M HAVING MY

DINNER?
YOU KNOW TODAY I'M HAVING MY
PIANO LESSON WITH MR. BRIGHTON!

YOU KNOW TODAY I'M HAVING MY
PIANO LESSON WITH MR. BRIGHTON!
WELL, I'M SURE TODD CAN FIND

PIANO LESSON WITH MR. BRIGHTON!
WELL, I'M SURE TODD CAN FIND
SOMETHING TO KEEP HIMSELF

WELL, I'M SURE TODD CAN FIND
SOMETHING TO KEEP HIMSELF
OCCUPIED, DEAR.

SOMETHING TO KEEP HIMSELF
OCCUPIED, DEAR.
YEAH, BUT HE'LL EMBARRASS ME

OCCUPIED, DEAR.
YEAH, BUT HE'LL EMBARRASS ME
IN FRONT OF MR. BRIGHTON.

YEAH, BUT HE'LL EMBARRASS ME
IN FRONT OF MR. BRIGHTON.
TODD'S A BOY.

IN FRONT OF MR. BRIGHTON.
TODD'S A BOY.
MR. BRIGHTON IS A MAN.

TODD'S A BOY.
MR. BRIGHTON IS A MAN.
UH, I'M NOT A BOY, LISA.

MR. BRIGHTON IS A MAN.
UH, I'M NOT A BOY, LISA.
UM, IF MY SKIN CLEARED UP, I'D

UH, I'M NOT A BOY, LISA.
UM, IF MY SKIN CLEARED UP, I'D
BE SHAVING RIGHT NOW.

UM, IF MY SKIN CLEARED UP, I'D
BE SHAVING RIGHT NOW.
[SCOFFS]

BE SHAVING RIGHT NOW.
[SCOFFS]
WELL, WHEN YOUR SKIN CLEARS UP,

[SCOFFS]
WELL, WHEN YOUR SKIN CLEARS UP,
THEY'LL BE MAKING SNOWBALLS IN

WELL, WHEN YOUR SKIN CLEARS UP,
THEY'LL BE MAKING SNOWBALLS IN
HELL.

THEY'LL BE MAKING SNOWBALLS IN
HELL.
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG

HELL.
WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG
LADY!

WATCH YOUR LANGUAGE, YOUNG
LADY!
GOSH, IF I SAID

LADY!
GOSH, IF I SAID
H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS AT

GOSH, IF I SAID
H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS AT
HOME, MY MOTHER WOULD BEAT THE

H-E-DOUBLE-HOCKEY-STICKS AT
HOME, MY MOTHER WOULD BEAT THE
C-R-A-YOU-KNOW-WHAT OUT OF ME.

HOME, MY MOTHER WOULD BEAT THE
C-R-A-YOU-KNOW-WHAT OUT OF ME.
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, TODD.

C-R-A-YOU-KNOW-WHAT OUT OF ME.
OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, TODD.
I'LL SEE YOU KIDS LATER, OKAY?

OH, THAT'S VERY NICE, TODD.
I'LL SEE YOU KIDS LATER, OKAY?
OH, LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!

I'LL SEE YOU KIDS LATER, OKAY?
OH, LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!
LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!

OH, LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!
LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!
I DID NOT.

LISA GOT IN TROUBLE!
I DID NOT.
NOOGIE PATROL!!

I DID NOT.
NOOGIE PATROL!!
GAH GAH GAH!

NOOGIE PATROL!!
GAH GAH GAH!
TODD, QUIT IT!

GAH GAH GAH!
TODD, QUIT IT!
TODD, CUT IT OUT!

TODD, QUIT IT!
TODD, CUT IT OUT!
COME ON, LET'S PLAY OUR SONG.

TODD, CUT IT OUT!
COME ON, LET'S PLAY OUR SONG.
NO!

COME ON, LET'S PLAY OUR SONG.
NO!
WELL, OKAY, JUST ONCE.

NO!
WELL, OKAY, JUST ONCE.
COME ON.

WELL, OKAY, JUST ONCE.
COME ON.
[SIGHS] THE DUET.

COME ON.
[SIGHS] THE DUET.
["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]

[SIGHS] THE DUET.
["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]
YOU CAME IN TOO SOON!

["HEART AND SOUL" PLAYS]
YOU CAME IN TOO SOON!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

YOU CAME IN TOO SOON!
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK HERE, LOOK HERE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
LOOK HERE, LOOK HERE.
WHERE? THAT'S REAL NICE.

LOOK HERE, LOOK HERE.
WHERE? THAT'S REAL NICE.
I OWE YOU ONE.

WHERE? THAT'S REAL NICE.
I OWE YOU ONE.
OH, YOU CAME IN TOO SOON

I OWE YOU ONE.
OH, YOU CAME IN TOO SOON
AGAIN, TODD!

OH, YOU CAME IN TOO SOON
AGAIN, TODD!
OH, BIG DEAL.

AGAIN, TODD!
OH, BIG DEAL.
START AGAIN, THAT'S ALL.

OH, BIG DEAL.
START AGAIN, THAT'S ALL.
TODD, DO IT RIGHT.

START AGAIN, THAT'S ALL.
TODD, DO IT RIGHT.
AH, NICE ONE.

TODD, DO IT RIGHT.
AH, NICE ONE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]

AH, NICE ONE.
[DOORBELL RINGING]
MR. BRIGHTON SHOULD BE HERE.

[DOORBELL RINGING]
MR. BRIGHTON SHOULD BE HERE.
OH!

MR. BRIGHTON SHOULD BE HERE.
OH!
OH. MR. BRIGHTON.

OH!
OH. MR. BRIGHTON.
[NOTES PLAY]

OH. MR. BRIGHTON.
[NOTES PLAY]
HELLO. MY, YOU'RE LOOKING

[NOTES PLAY]
HELLO. MY, YOU'RE LOOKING
PRETTY TODAY, LISA.

HELLO. MY, YOU'RE LOOKING
PRETTY TODAY, LISA.
THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.

PRETTY TODAY, LISA.
THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.
PRETTY? YEAH, I THINK SHE

THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.
PRETTY? YEAH, I THINK SHE
LOOKS PRETTY... BAD!

PRETTY? YEAH, I THINK SHE
LOOKS PRETTY... BAD!
HA!

LOOKS PRETTY... BAD!
HA!
SHUT UP, PIZZA FACE!

HA!
SHUT UP, PIZZA FACE!
UH, WHO'S YOUR YOUNG

SHUT UP, PIZZA FACE!
UH, WHO'S YOUR YOUNG
BOYFRIEND, LISA?

UH, WHO'S YOUR YOUNG
BOYFRIEND, LISA?
OH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA,

BOYFRIEND, LISA?
OH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA,
BUT HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.

OH, THIS IS TODD LaBOUNTA,
BUT HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
HE'S A BOY, AND HE'S A FRIEND,

BUT HE'S NOT MY BOYFRIEND.
HE'S A BOY, AND HE'S A FRIEND,
BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MY

HE'S A BOY, AND HE'S A FRIEND,
BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MY
BOYFRIEND.

BUT HE'S CERTAINLY NOT MY
BOYFRIEND.
WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET

BOYFRIEND.
WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
YOU, TODD.

WELL, IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET
YOU, TODD.
DO YOU TAKE PIANO LESSONS?

YOU, TODD.
DO YOU TAKE PIANO LESSONS?
NO, I PLAY BY EAR.

DO YOU TAKE PIANO LESSONS?
NO, I PLAY BY EAR.
[PIANO PLAYS OFF-KEY]

NO, I PLAY BY EAR.
[PIANO PLAYS OFF-KEY]
OOH! PERFECT.

[PIANO PLAYS OFF-KEY]
OOH! PERFECT.
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT

OOH! PERFECT.
OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.

OH, THAT'S SO FUNNY I FORGOT
TO LAUGH.
[RETCHES]

TO LAUGH.
[RETCHES]
UH, TODD, DO YOU THINK

[RETCHES]
UH, TODD, DO YOU THINK
THERE'S SOMEPLACE YOU CAN GO SO

UH, TODD, DO YOU THINK
THERE'S SOMEPLACE YOU CAN GO SO
THAT LISA AND I WON'T BE

THERE'S SOMEPLACE YOU CAN GO SO
THAT LISA AND I WON'T BE
DISTURBED BY YOUR PRESENCE?

THAT LISA AND I WON'T BE
DISTURBED BY YOUR PRESENCE?
WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME-E-E!

DISTURBED BY YOUR PRESENCE?
WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME-E-E!
AAH!

WELL, EXCU-U-SE ME-E-E!
AAH!
[Mockingly] EXCUSE ME,

AAH!
[Mockingly] EXCUSE ME,
EXCUSE ME.

[Mockingly] EXCUSE ME,
EXCUSE ME.
I'LL JUST SIT RIGHT OVER

EXCUSE ME.
I'LL JUST SIT RIGHT OVER
HERE, AND YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP

I'LL JUST SIT RIGHT OVER
HERE, AND YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP
OUT OF ME.

HERE, AND YOU WON'T HEAR A PEEP
OUT OF ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?

OUT OF ME.
WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
PEEP.

WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT THAT?
PEEP.
OH, TODD.

PEEP.
OH, TODD.
YOUR FRIEND TODD IS A BIT OF

OH, TODD.
YOUR FRIEND TODD IS A BIT OF
A NERD, ISN'T HE?

YOUR FRIEND TODD IS A BIT OF
A NERD, ISN'T HE?
YES, HE IS.

A NERD, ISN'T HE?
YES, HE IS.
OH, WELL, LET'S DO THE SCALES

YES, HE IS.
OH, WELL, LET'S DO THE SCALES
WE PRACTICED YESTERDAY, LISA.

OH, WELL, LET'S DO THE SCALES
WE PRACTICED YESTERDAY, LISA.
ALL RIGHT.

WE PRACTICED YESTERDAY, LISA.
ALL RIGHT.
[SCALES PLAY]

ALL RIGHT.
[SCALES PLAY]
THAT'S VERY GOOD, LISA.

[SCALES PLAY]
THAT'S VERY GOOD, LISA.
THANK YOU.

THAT'S VERY GOOD, LISA.
THANK YOU.
[SCALES PLAY]

THANK YOU.
[SCALES PLAY]
[OFF-KEY NOTE PLAYS]

[SCALES PLAY]
[OFF-KEY NOTE PLAYS]
[IMITATING PIG]

[OFF-KEY NOTE PLAYS]
[IMITATING PIG]
OH, TODD, CUT IT OUT!

[IMITATING PIG]
OH, TODD, CUT IT OUT!
MOTHER!

OH, TODD, CUT IT OUT!
MOTHER!
[SIGHS]

MOTHER!
[SIGHS]
WHAT IS IT, LISA?

[SIGHS]
WHAT IS IT, LISA?
WELL, TODD IS BOTHERING US.

WHAT IS IT, LISA?
WELL, TODD IS BOTHERING US.
TODD, WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT

WELL, TODD IS BOTHERING US.
TODD, WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT
IN THE KITCHEN AND HELP ME SET

TODD, WHY DON'T YOU COME OUT
IN THE KITCHEN AND HELP ME SET
THE TABLE?

IN THE KITCHEN AND HELP ME SET
THE TABLE?
OKAY, MRS. LOOPNER.

OKAY, LET'S PLAY THE SCALES
NOW, SHALL WE, AGAIN, LISA?
OKEYDOKEY.

NOW, SHALL WE, AGAIN, LISA?
OKEYDOKEY.
[SCALES PLAY]

OKEYDOKEY.
[SCALES PLAY]
NOW, LISA, YOU SEE WHAT

[SCALES PLAY]
NOW, LISA, YOU SEE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING?

NOW, LISA, YOU SEE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING?
WHAT?

YOU'RE DOING?
WHAT?
YOU'RE LETTING YOUR HAND

WHAT?
YOU'RE LETTING YOUR HAND
DROP.

YOU'RE LETTING YOUR HAND
DROP.
HERE, LET ME JUST SHOW YOU HOW

DROP.
HERE, LET ME JUST SHOW YOU HOW
I MEAN.

HERE, LET ME JUST SHOW YOU HOW
I MEAN.
YOU HAVE LOVELY WRISTS, LISA.

I MEAN.
YOU HAVE LOVELY WRISTS, LISA.
THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.

YOU HAVE LOVELY WRISTS, LISA.
THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.
NOW, THEN, UH, BEND YOUR ARM

THANK YOU, MR. BRIGHTON.
NOW, THEN, UH, BEND YOUR ARM
LIKE THIS AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS

NOW, THEN, UH, BEND YOUR ARM
LIKE THIS AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS
SLIGHTLY ARCHED.

LIKE THIS AND KEEP YOUR FINGERS
SLIGHTLY ARCHED.
NOW, LISA, BREATHE DEEPLY.

SLIGHTLY ARCHED.
NOW, LISA, BREATHE DEEPLY.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]

NOW, LISA, BREATHE DEEPLY.
[BREATHING DEEPLY]
THAT'S IT.

[BREATHING DEEPLY]
THAT'S IT.
[BREATHING DEEPER]

THAT'S IT.
[BREATHING DEEPER]
LIKE THAT?

[BREATHING DEEPER]
LIKE THAT?
LOVELY, LISA.

LIKE THAT?
LOVELY, LISA.
FROM THE DIAPHRAGM, NOW, FROM

LOVELY, LISA.
FROM THE DIAPHRAGM, NOW, FROM
THE DIAPHRAGM.

FROM THE DIAPHRAGM, NOW, FROM
THE DIAPHRAGM.
M-MR. BRIGHTON, I'M STARTING

THE DIAPHRAGM.
M-MR. BRIGHTON, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL DIZZY.

M-MR. BRIGHTON, I'M STARTING
TO FEEL DIZZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING

TO FEEL DIZZY.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING
IS, LISA?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT FEELING
IS, LISA?
WHAT?

IS, LISA?
WHAT?
IT'S LOVE!

WHAT?
IT'S LOVE!
AAH! MR. BRIGHTON!

IT'S LOVE!
AAH! MR. BRIGHTON!
LISA, YOUR MOTHER SAYS WHEN

AAH! MR. BRIGHTON!
LISA, YOUR MOTHER SAYS WHEN
YOU'RE... SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!

LISA, YOUR MOTHER SAYS WHEN
YOU'RE... SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!
OH, NO... ANOTHER MAN.

YOU'RE... SAY, WHAT'S GOING ON?!
OH, NO... ANOTHER MAN.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.

OH, NO... ANOTHER MAN.
WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
I HAVE NO NEED TO GO ON LIVING.

WELL, I GUESS THIS IS IT.
I HAVE NO NEED TO GO ON LIVING.
I'LL JUST COMMIT NOOGIE SUICIDE!

I HAVE NO NEED TO GO ON LIVING.
I'LL JUST COMMIT NOOGIE SUICIDE!
AAH!

I'LL JUST COMMIT NOOGIE SUICIDE!
AAH!
OH! OH!

AAH!
OH! OH!
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT,

OH! OH!
THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT,
YOUNG MAN.

THERE'S NO NEED FOR THAT,
YOUNG MAN.
I-I SIMPLY GOT CARRIED AWAY.

YOUNG MAN.
I-I SIMPLY GOT CARRIED AWAY.
IT... IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE

I-I SIMPLY GOT CARRIED AWAY.
IT... IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE
MUSIC.

IT... IT MUST HAVE BEEN THE
MUSIC.
[SPITTING LOUDLY]

MUSIC.
[SPITTING LOUDLY]
OH, YOU'RE SO OBNOXIOUS,

[SPITTING LOUDLY]
OH, YOU'RE SO OBNOXIOUS,
MR. BRIGHTON!

OH, YOU'RE SO OBNOXIOUS,
MR. BRIGHTON!
YOU CALLED TODD A NERD, BUT

MR. BRIGHTON!
YOU CALLED TODD A NERD, BUT
YOU'RE A WORSE NERD!

YOU CALLED TODD A NERD, BUT
YOU'RE A WORSE NERD!
HE CALLED ME A NERD?

YOU'RE A WORSE NERD!
HE CALLED ME A NERD?
I'M NOT A NERD, MR. BRIGHTON.

HE CALLED ME A NERD?
I'M NOT A NERD, MR. BRIGHTON.
MR. BRIGHTON?

I'M NOT A NERD, MR. BRIGHTON.
MR. BRIGHTON?
YES?

MR. BRIGHTON?
YES?
DID YOU GET THE LETTER THAT I

YES?
DID YOU GET THE LETTER THAT I
SENT YOU?

DID YOU GET THE LETTER THAT I
SENT YOU?
NO.

SENT YOU?
NO.
BECAUSE I FORGOT TO STAMP IT!

NO.
BECAUSE I FORGOT TO STAMP IT!
OH!

BECAUSE I FORGOT TO STAMP IT!
OH!
STAMP IT!

OH!
STAMP IT!
OH, MR. BRIGHTON!

STAMP IT!
OH, MR. BRIGHTON!
YOUR FLY'S OPEN!

OH, MR. BRIGHTON!
YOUR FLY'S OPEN!
YES... I KNOW!

YOUR FLY'S OPEN!
YES... I KNOW!
TODD?

YES... I KNOW!
TODD?
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.

TODD?
THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.
DO YOU WANT TO PLAY OUR SONG

THANK YOU FOR HELPING ME.
DO YOU WANT TO PLAY OUR SONG
AGAIN?

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY OUR SONG
AGAIN?
SURE.

AGAIN?
SURE.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW

SURE.
YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, TODD?

YOU KNOW... YOU KNOW
SOMETHING, TODD?
HE TRIED TO KISS ME, BUT I

SOMETHING, TODD?
HE TRIED TO KISS ME, BUT I
WOULDN'T LET HIM.

HE TRIED TO KISS ME, BUT I
WOULDN'T LET HIM.
I KNOW, LISA.

WOULDN'T LET HIM.
I KNOW, LISA.
DID YOU EVER HAVE A LOLLIPOP

I KNOW, LISA.
DID YOU EVER HAVE A LOLLIPOP
KISS?

DID YOU EVER HAVE A LOLLIPOP
KISS?
NO. WHAT'S THAT?

KISS?
NO. WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND

NO. WHAT'S THAT?
WELL, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND
PUCKER UP.

WELL, CLOSE YOUR EYES AND
PUCKER UP.
SUCKER!

PUCKER UP.
SUCKER!
[LAUGHS]

SUCKER!
[LAUGHS]
OH, TODD!

[LAUGHS]
OH, TODD!
I LOVE IT!

OH, TODD!
I LOVE IT!
[APPLAUSE]

[WIND WHISTLING]

GOOD EVENING.
YOU KNOW, I THINK IT WAS
G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID...

YOU KNOW, I THINK IT WAS
G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID...
"THE FOLLIES OF MY YOUTH..."

G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID...
"THE FOLLIES OF MY YOUTH..."
"MEN'S YOUTH."

"THE FOLLIES OF MY YOUTH..."
"MEN'S YOUTH."
UH, "MEN'S YOUTH ARE IN

"MEN'S YOUTH."
UH, "MEN'S YOUTH ARE IN
GLORIOUS RETROSPECT..."

UH, "MEN'S YOUTH ARE IN
GLORIOUS RETROSPECT..."
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."

GLORIOUS RETROSPECT..."
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT...

"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT...
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."

AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT...
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
OUR STORY, IN RETROSPECT...

"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
OUR STORY, IN RETROSPECT...
NO, "ARE IN RETROSPECT

OUR STORY, IN RETROSPECT...
NO, "ARE IN RETROSPECT
GLORIOUS..."

NO, "ARE IN RETROSPECT
GLORIOUS..."
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."

GLORIOUS..."
"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
"COMPARED..."

"ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS."
"COMPARED..."
"COMPARED..."

"COMPARED..."
"COMPARED..."
BY EDDIE WARING.

"COMPARED..."
BY EDDIE WARING.
TELEVISION...

BY EDDIE WARING.
TELEVISION...
NO, "COMPARED TO."

TELEVISION...
NO, "COMPARED TO."
"COMPARED"?

NO, "COMPARED TO."
"COMPARED"?
"THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH

"COMPARED"?
"THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH
ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS,

"THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH
ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS,
COMPARED TO..."

ARE IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS,
COMPARED TO..."
"TO..."?

COMPARED TO..."
"TO..."?
"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES

"TO..."?
"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES
OF THEIR OLD AGE."

"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES
OF THEIR OLD AGE."
"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES

OF THEIR OLD AGE."
"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES
OF THEIR OLD AGE."

"COMPARED TO THE FOLLIES
OF THEIR OLD AGE."
[CLEARS THROAT]

OF THEIR OLD AGE."
[CLEARS THROAT]
OUR SHERRY TONIGHT...

[CLEARS THROAT]
OUR SHERRY TONIGHT...
NO, NO, "I THINK IT WAS

OUR SHERRY TONIGHT...
NO, NO, "I THINK IT WAS
G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID,

NO, NO, "I THINK IT WAS
G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID,
'THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH ARE

G.K. CHESTERTON WHO ONCE SAID,
'THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH ARE
IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS, COMPARED

'THE FOLLIES OF MEN'S YOUTH ARE
IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS, COMPARED
TO THE FOLLIES OF OUR OLD AGE.'

IN RETROSPECT GLORIOUS, COMPARED
TO THE FOLLIES OF OUR OLD AGE.'
AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT

TO THE FOLLIES OF OUR OLD AGE.'
AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT
CONCERNS A BOY CONFRONTED AT ONE

AND SO OUR STORY TONIGHT
CONCERNS A BOY CONFRONTED AT ONE
AND THE SAME TIME WITH THE

CONCERNS A BOY CONFRONTED AT ONE
AND THE SAME TIME WITH THE
FOLLIES OF YOUTH AND OLD AGE."

AND THE SAME TIME WITH THE
FOLLIES OF YOUTH AND OLD AGE."
THAT'S IT.

FOLLIES OF YOUTH AND OLD AGE."
THAT'S IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S IT.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IS THAT OKAY? IS THAT OKAY?

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
IS THAT OKAY? IS THAT OKAY?
IS THAT RIGHT?

[VIOLIN PLAYS SLOW MUSIC]

[MUSIC STOPS]

[MUSIC RESUMES]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
MR. HOLMES, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH

COME IN.
MR. HOLMES, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH
YOUR BREAKFAST OR LAST NIGHT'S

MR. HOLMES, YOU DIDN'T TOUCH
YOUR BREAKFAST OR LAST NIGHT'S
DINNER.

YOUR BREAKFAST OR LAST NIGHT'S
DINNER.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD EAT MORE

DINNER.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD EAT MORE
AND SLEEP MORE AND DO A LITTLE

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD EAT MORE
AND SLEEP MORE AND DO A LITTLE
LESS COCAINE.

AND SLEEP MORE AND DO A LITTLE
LESS COCAINE.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

LESS COCAINE.
I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
BESIDES, YOU HAVEN'T PAID YOUR

I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
BESIDES, YOU HAVEN'T PAID YOUR
RENT IN SIX MONTHS.

BESIDES, YOU HAVEN'T PAID YOUR
RENT IN SIX MONTHS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN,

RENT IN SIX MONTHS.
THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN,
MRS. HUDSON, BUT I'LL THANK YOU

THANK YOU FOR YOUR CONCERN,
MRS. HUDSON, BUT I'LL THANK YOU
MORE IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE.

MRS. HUDSON, BUT I'LL THANK YOU
MORE IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE.
VERY WELL, SIR.

MORE IF YOU LEAVE ME ALONE.
VERY WELL, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. HUDSON.

VERY WELL, SIR.
GOOD MORNING, MRS. HUDSON.
[CLEARS THROAT]

GOOD MORNING, MRS. HUDSON.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE,

[CLEARS THROAT]
THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE,
DR. WATSON.

THANK GOODNESS YOU'RE HERE,
DR. WATSON.
WAY TOO MUCH TOOTSKY, IF YOU

DR. WATSON.
WAY TOO MUCH TOOTSKY, IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.

WAY TOO MUCH TOOTSKY, IF YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
NO. NO, NOT AGAIN.

KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
NO. NO, NOT AGAIN.
POOR BLIGHTER.

NO. NO, NOT AGAIN.
POOR BLIGHTER.
MONKEY ON HIS BACK.

POOR BLIGHTER.
MONKEY ON HIS BACK.
I'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO.

MONKEY ON HIS BACK.
I'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
GOOD DAY, DR. WATSON.

I'LL HAVE TO SEE WHAT I CAN DO.
GOOD DAY, DR. WATSON.
[HUMMING]

GOOD DAY, DR. WATSON.
[HUMMING]
HELLO, HOLMES OLD BOY.

[HUMMING]
HELLO, HOLMES OLD BOY.
HOW THE DEVIL ARE YOU?

HELLO, HOLMES OLD BOY.
HOW THE DEVIL ARE YOU?
WHAT?

HOW THE DEVIL ARE YOU?
WHAT?
WHO?

WHAT?
WHO?
OH, ME, ME.

WHO?
OH, ME, ME.
UH, FINE, FINE, FINE.

OH, ME, ME.
UH, FINE, FINE, FINE.
I'VE BEEN CONCERNED THAT YOUR

UH, FINE, FINE, FINE.
I'VE BEEN CONCERNED THAT YOUR
MASSIVE CONSUMPTION OF COCAINE

I'VE BEEN CONCERNED THAT YOUR
MASSIVE CONSUMPTION OF COCAINE
MIGHT CLOUD YOUR INGENIOUS GIFT.

MASSIVE CONSUMPTION OF COCAINE
MIGHT CLOUD YOUR INGENIOUS GIFT.
WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO

MIGHT CLOUD YOUR INGENIOUS GIFT.
WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO
ACCUSE ME OF CONSUMING LARGE

WHATEVER POSSESSED YOU TO
ACCUSE ME OF CONSUMING LARGE
QUANTITIES OF THAT... PLEASANT

ACCUSE ME OF CONSUMING LARGE
QUANTITIES OF THAT... PLEASANT
NARCOTIC?

QUANTITIES OF THAT... PLEASANT
NARCOTIC?
WELL...

NARCOTIC?
WELL...
TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK, HOLMES,

WELL...
TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK, HOLMES,
LATELY YOU'VE BEEN COLD,

TO BE PERFECTLY FRANK, HOLMES,
LATELY YOU'VE BEEN COLD,
DISTANT, PARANOID... ALL THE

LATELY YOU'VE BEEN COLD,
DISTANT, PARANOID... ALL THE
SYMPTOMS OF COCAINE ADDICTION.

DISTANT, PARANOID... ALL THE
SYMPTOMS OF COCAINE ADDICTION.
PARANOID?

SYMPTOMS OF COCAINE ADDICTION.
PARANOID?
ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF PARANOIA?

PARANOID?
ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF PARANOIA?
JUST A MOMENT.

ARE YOU ACCUSING ME OF PARANOIA?
JUST A MOMENT.
YOU'RE NOT DR. WATSON AT ALL.

JUST A MOMENT.
YOU'RE NOT DR. WATSON AT ALL.
YOU'RE MY ARCHENEMY MORIARTY

YOU'RE NOT DR. WATSON AT ALL.
YOU'RE MY ARCHENEMY MORIARTY
WEARING A FOUL, CLEVER DISGUISE.

YOU'RE MY ARCHENEMY MORIARTY
WEARING A FOUL, CLEVER DISGUISE.
I'LL SOON HAVE THAT OFF.

WEARING A FOUL, CLEVER DISGUISE.
I'LL SOON HAVE THAT OFF.
OHHH!

I'LL SOON HAVE THAT OFF.
OHHH!
IT'S REALLY ME... DR. WATSON...

OHHH!
IT'S REALLY ME... DR. WATSON...
REALLY IT IS!

IT'S REALLY ME... DR. WATSON...
REALLY IT IS!
IT'S ME!

REALLY IT IS!
IT'S ME!
I'M SORRY. SORRY, OLD BOY.

IT'S ME!
I'M SORRY. SORRY, OLD BOY.
SORRY. JUST JOKING.

I'M SORRY. SORRY, OLD BOY.
SORRY. JUST JOKING.
PERHAPS A DEMONSTRATION OF MY

SORRY. JUST JOKING.
PERHAPS A DEMONSTRATION OF MY
DEDUCTIVE FACULTIES WILL

PERHAPS A DEMONSTRATION OF MY
DEDUCTIVE FACULTIES WILL
SUPPRESS YOUR ANXIETY.

DEDUCTIVE FACULTIES WILL
SUPPRESS YOUR ANXIETY.
STEP OVER TO THE WINDOW.

SUPPRESS YOUR ANXIETY.
STEP OVER TO THE WINDOW.
WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN MIND

STEP OVER TO THE WINDOW.
WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN MIND
NOW?

WHAT DOES HE HAVE IN MIND
NOW?
[CLEARS THROAT]

NOW?
[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, THEN, YOU SEE THAT MAN

[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, THEN, YOU SEE THAT MAN
WHO'S STANDING THERE ON THE EDGE

NOW, THEN, YOU SEE THAT MAN
WHO'S STANDING THERE ON THE EDGE
OF THE PARK?

WHO'S STANDING THERE ON THE EDGE
OF THE PARK?
BY THE SINGULAR COLOR OF HIS

OF THE PARK?
BY THE SINGULAR COLOR OF HIS
CLOTHING AND HIS ASHY-GRAY

BY THE SINGULAR COLOR OF HIS
CLOTHING AND HIS ASHY-GRAY
COMPLEXION, I WOULD IMAGINE THAT

CLOTHING AND HIS ASHY-GRAY
COMPLEXION, I WOULD IMAGINE THAT
HE WORKS IN A CEMENT FACTORY AND

COMPLEXION, I WOULD IMAGINE THAT
HE WORKS IN A CEMENT FACTORY AND
SUFFERS SEVERE PULMONARY

HE WORKS IN A CEMENT FACTORY AND
SUFFERS SEVERE PULMONARY
SCLEROSIS.

SUFFERS SEVERE PULMONARY
SCLEROSIS.
HOLMES, THAT'S A STATUE OF

SCLEROSIS.
HOLMES, THAT'S A STATUE OF
GEORGE I.

HOLMES, THAT'S A STATUE OF
GEORGE I.
IT'S BEEN THERE FOR HUNDREDS OF

GEORGE I.
IT'S BEEN THERE FOR HUNDREDS OF
YEARS.

IT'S BEEN THERE FOR HUNDREDS OF
YEARS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YEARS.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
UH, COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
UH, COME IN.
HELLO, MR. HOLMES, I HOPE I'M

UH, COME IN.
HELLO, MR. HOLMES, I HOPE I'M
NOT DISTURBING YOU, BUT IT'S A

HELLO, MR. HOLMES, I HOPE I'M
NOT DISTURBING YOU, BUT IT'S A
MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY.

NOT DISTURBING YOU, BUT IT'S A
MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY.
CERTAINLY,

MATTER OF GREAT URGENCY.
CERTAINLY,
INSPECTOR LESTRADE.

CERTAINLY,
INSPECTOR LESTRADE.
I'M AT YOUR SERVICE.

INSPECTOR LESTRADE.
I'M AT YOUR SERVICE.
HOLMES, THIS IS

I'M AT YOUR SERVICE.
HOLMES, THIS IS
MISS SARAH HAMMERCRACK.

HOLMES, THIS IS
MISS SARAH HAMMERCRACK.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. HOLMES?

MISS SARAH HAMMERCRACK.
HOW DO YOU DO, MR. HOLMES?
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.

HOW DO YOU DO, MR. HOLMES?
I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN,

I'VE HEARD SO MUCH ABOUT YOU.
PLEASE, SIT DOWN,
MISS HAMMERCRACK.

PLEASE, SIT DOWN,
MISS HAMMERCRACK.
THIS IS MY TRUSTED FRIEND

MISS HAMMERCRACK.
THIS IS MY TRUSTED FRIEND
DR. WATSON.

THIS IS MY TRUSTED FRIEND
DR. WATSON.
WHATEVER WE DISCUSS WILL BE HELD

DR. WATSON.
WHATEVER WE DISCUSS WILL BE HELD
IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.

WHATEVER WE DISCUSS WILL BE HELD
IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
I WOULDN'T HAVE COME EXCEPT

IN THE STRICTEST CONFIDENCE.
I WOULDN'T HAVE COME EXCEPT
AT THE INSPECTOR'S INSISTENCE.

I WOULDN'T HAVE COME EXCEPT
AT THE INSPECTOR'S INSISTENCE.
MM-HMM.

AT THE INSPECTOR'S INSISTENCE.
MM-HMM.
HE SAID THAT YOU ALONE MIGHT

MM-HMM.
HE SAID THAT YOU ALONE MIGHT
BE ABLE TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF

HE SAID THAT YOU ALONE MIGHT
BE ABLE TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF
MY MURDERED SISTER,

BE ABLE TO SOLVE THE MYSTERY OF
MY MURDERED SISTER,
MISS SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.

MY MURDERED SISTER,
MISS SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

MISS SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.
I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.
YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?

YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.
IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?
WATER, TEA, COCAINE?

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN GET YOU?
WATER, TEA, COCAINE?
NO, NOTHING, THANK YOU.

WATER, TEA, COCAINE?
NO, NOTHING, THANK YOU.
WELL, MISS HAMMERCRACK, WHY

NO, NOTHING, THANK YOU.
WELL, MISS HAMMERCRACK, WHY
DON'T YOU TELL MR. HOLMES

WELL, MISS HAMMERCRACK, WHY
DON'T YOU TELL MR. HOLMES
EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME AND LET

DON'T YOU TELL MR. HOLMES
EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME AND LET
HIM HAVE A GO AT IT?

EVERYTHING YOU TOLD ME AND LET
HIM HAVE A GO AT IT?
WELL, THE POLICE FOUND HER AT

HIM HAVE A GO AT IT?
WELL, THE POLICE FOUND HER AT
1:00 A.M. THIS MORNING, STABBED

WELL, THE POLICE FOUND HER AT
1:00 A.M. THIS MORNING, STABBED
AND STRANGLED, BEHIND THE

1:00 A.M. THIS MORNING, STABBED
AND STRANGLED, BEHIND THE
WHITE HORSE PUB AT THE DOCKS.

AND STRANGLED, BEHIND THE
WHITE HORSE PUB AT THE DOCKS.
YES, I KNOW THE PLACE

WHITE HORSE PUB AT THE DOCKS.
YES, I KNOW THE PLACE
INTIMATELY.

YES, I KNOW THE PLACE
INTIMATELY.
MANY OF MY UNDERWORLD CONTACTS

INTIMATELY.
MANY OF MY UNDERWORLD CONTACTS
FREQUENT THE PLACE.

MANY OF MY UNDERWORLD CONTACTS
FREQUENT THE PLACE.
PLEASE CONTINUE.

FREQUENT THE PLACE.
PLEASE CONTINUE.
THE LAST ANYONE SAW OF HER,

PLEASE CONTINUE.
THE LAST ANYONE SAW OF HER,
SHE WAS WALKING OUT OF THE PUB

THE LAST ANYONE SAW OF HER,
SHE WAS WALKING OUT OF THE PUB
WITH A TRIM-LOOKING MAN WEARING

SHE WAS WALKING OUT OF THE PUB
WITH A TRIM-LOOKING MAN WEARING
AN OVERCOAT.

WITH A TRIM-LOOKING MAN WEARING
AN OVERCOAT.
WAS YOUR SISTER IN THE HABIT

AN OVERCOAT.
WAS YOUR SISTER IN THE HABIT
OF MEETING MEN IN SUCH PLACES?

WAS YOUR SISTER IN THE HABIT
OF MEETING MEN IN SUCH PLACES?
NO! NEVER!

OF MEETING MEN IN SUCH PLACES?
NO! NEVER!
SHE SAW MEN INFREQUENTLY, AND

NO! NEVER!
SHE SAW MEN INFREQUENTLY, AND
WHEN SHE DID, THEY WERE ONLY OF

SHE SAW MEN INFREQUENTLY, AND
WHEN SHE DID, THEY WERE ONLY OF
THE HIGHEST UPBRINGING AND

WHEN SHE DID, THEY WERE ONLY OF
THE HIGHEST UPBRINGING AND
INTELLIGENCE.

THE HIGHEST UPBRINGING AND
INTELLIGENCE.
HMM. SO, THE MAN WAS

INTELLIGENCE.
HMM. SO, THE MAN WAS
INTELLIGENT, TALL, TRIM,

HMM. SO, THE MAN WAS
INTELLIGENT, TALL, TRIM,
OBVIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH THE

INTELLIGENT, TALL, TRIM,
OBVIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH THE
DISTRICT.

OBVIOUSLY FAMILIAR WITH THE
DISTRICT.
BUT WHAT SORT OF FIEND WOULD

DISTRICT.
BUT WHAT SORT OF FIEND WOULD
KILL SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK?

BUT WHAT SORT OF FIEND WOULD
KILL SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK?
HELLO?

KILL SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK?
HELLO?
WHAT'S THIS?

HELLO?
WHAT'S THIS?
A BLOODIED HANDKERCHIEF

WHAT'S THIS?
A BLOODIED HANDKERCHIEF
MONOGRAMMED "S.H."

A BLOODIED HANDKERCHIEF
MONOGRAMMED "S.H."
"S.H." FOR SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.

MONOGRAMMED "S.H."
"S.H." FOR SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.
WHAT'S THIS DOING IN MY FLAT?

"S.H." FOR SYLVIA HAMMERCRACK.
WHAT'S THIS DOING IN MY FLAT?
STRANGE.

WHAT'S THIS DOING IN MY FLAT?
STRANGE.
AND, HELLO, WHAT'S THIS?

STRANGE.
AND, HELLO, WHAT'S THIS?
I'VE GOT CLAY ON MY SLIPPER.

AND, HELLO, WHAT'S THIS?
I'VE GOT CLAY ON MY SLIPPER.
THAT'S JUST THE SORT THAT WOULD

I'VE GOT CLAY ON MY SLIPPER.
THAT'S JUST THE SORT THAT WOULD
BE FOUND DOWN BY THE WHARF.

THAT'S JUST THE SORT THAT WOULD
BE FOUND DOWN BY THE WHARF.
STRANGE.

BE FOUND DOWN BY THE WHARF.
STRANGE.
VERY STRANGE.

STRANGE.
VERY STRANGE.
I HAVE NO INKLING WHERE I WAS OR

VERY STRANGE.
I HAVE NO INKLING WHERE I WAS OR
WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.

I HAVE NO INKLING WHERE I WAS OR
WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.
THERE'S A POUND NOTE MISSING

WHAT I DID LAST NIGHT.
THERE'S A POUND NOTE MISSING
FROM MY WALLET!

THERE'S A POUND NOTE MISSING
FROM MY WALLET!
OH.

FROM MY WALLET!
OH.
OH, INSPECTOR, IT WAS MURDER.

OH.
OH, INSPECTOR, IT WAS MURDER.
PUT THE HANDCUFFS ON ME.

OH, INSPECTOR, IT WAS MURDER.
PUT THE HANDCUFFS ON ME.
I'M YOUR MURDERER.

PUT THE HANDCUFFS ON ME.
I'M YOUR MURDERER.
I'M SORRY, MISS HAMMERCRACK.

I'M YOUR MURDERER.
I'M SORRY, MISS HAMMERCRACK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, THEN.

I'M SORRY, MISS HAMMERCRACK.
ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, THEN.
WAIT A MINUTE, INSPECTOR,

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO, THEN.
WAIT A MINUTE, INSPECTOR,
HOLMES.

WAIT A MINUTE, INSPECTOR,
HOLMES.
I USED TO BE YOUR ROOMMATE.

HOLMES.
I USED TO BE YOUR ROOMMATE.
I KNOW THIS HANKIE.

I USED TO BE YOUR ROOMMATE.
I KNOW THIS HANKIE.
IT'S YOUR HANKIE.

I KNOW THIS HANKIE.
IT'S YOUR HANKIE.
HAS YOUR INITIALS ON IT... S.H.

IT'S YOUR HANKIE.
HAS YOUR INITIALS ON IT... S.H.
YES, AND THAT ONE-POUND

HAS YOUR INITIALS ON IT... S.H.
YES, AND THAT ONE-POUND
NOTE... WHY, IT'S ROLLED UP AND

YES, AND THAT ONE-POUND
NOTE... WHY, IT'S ROLLED UP AND
STICKING IN YOUR NOSE.

NOTE... WHY, IT'S ROLLED UP AND
STICKING IN YOUR NOSE.
OH, SO IT IS.

STICKING IN YOUR NOSE.
OH, SO IT IS.
OH, WHY DOES IT HAVE BLOOD ON

OH, SO IT IS.
OH, WHY DOES IT HAVE BLOOD ON
IT?

OH, WHY DOES IT HAVE BLOOD ON
IT?
WELL, UH, PERHAPS YOU HAD A

IT?
WELL, UH, PERHAPS YOU HAD A
NOSEBLEED, MR. HOLMES, AND YOU

WELL, UH, PERHAPS YOU HAD A
NOSEBLEED, MR. HOLMES, AND YOU
USED YOUR HANKIE.

NOSEBLEED, MR. HOLMES, AND YOU
USED YOUR HANKIE.
BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE

USED YOUR HANKIE.
BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE
CLAY ON MY SHOE?

BUT HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THE
CLAY ON MY SHOE?
OH, HOLMES, LOOK, YOUR

CLAY ON MY SHOE?
OH, HOLMES, LOOK, YOUR
RUBBER-TREE PLANT LOOKS LIKE

OH, HOLMES, LOOK, YOUR
RUBBER-TREE PLANT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S BEEN STEPPED ON, CRUSHED.

RUBBER-TREE PLANT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S BEEN STEPPED ON, CRUSHED.
YOU PROBABLY DID IT LAST NIGHT.

IT'S BEEN STEPPED ON, CRUSHED.
YOU PROBABLY DID IT LAST NIGHT.
PERHAPS THIS, PERHAPS THAT,

YOU PROBABLY DID IT LAST NIGHT.
PERHAPS THIS, PERHAPS THAT,
BUT WHERE WAS I LAST NIGHT,

PERHAPS THIS, PERHAPS THAT,
BUT WHERE WAS I LAST NIGHT,
WATSON?!

BUT WHERE WAS I LAST NIGHT,
WATSON?!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

WATSON?!
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
HERE'S YOUR LUNCH,

COME IN.
HERE'S YOUR LUNCH,
MR. HOLMES.

HERE'S YOUR LUNCH,
MR. HOLMES.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GET SOME

MR. HOLMES.
YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GET SOME
SLEEP.

YOU KNOW, YOU SHOULD GET SOME
SLEEP.
YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT.

SLEEP.
YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT.
AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS UP

YOU WERE UP ALL NIGHT.
AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS UP
ALL NIGHT?

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HE WAS UP
ALL NIGHT?
WHY, HE WAS KEEPING ME UP

ALL NIGHT?
WHY, HE WAS KEEPING ME UP
WITH HIS CONSTANT VIOLIN PLAYING

WHY, HE WAS KEEPING ME UP
WITH HIS CONSTANT VIOLIN PLAYING
AND TARGET PRACTICE.

WITH HIS CONSTANT VIOLIN PLAYING
AND TARGET PRACTICE.
HMM, THANK YOU, MRS. HUDSON.

AND TARGET PRACTICE.
HMM, THANK YOU, MRS. HUDSON.
THAT WILL BE ALL.

HMM, THANK YOU, MRS. HUDSON.
THAT WILL BE ALL.
WELL...

THAT WILL BE ALL.
WELL...
INSPECTOR LESTRADE?

WELL...
INSPECTOR LESTRADE?
YES, RIGHT HERE. WHAT IS IT?

INSPECTOR LESTRADE?
YES, RIGHT HERE. WHAT IS IT?
THE HAMMERCRACK CASE HAS BEEN

YES, RIGHT HERE. WHAT IS IT?
THE HAMMERCRACK CASE HAS BEEN
SOLVED BY THE MEN OF STATION 115

THE HAMMERCRACK CASE HAS BEEN
SOLVED BY THE MEN OF STATION 115
DOWN BY THE WHARF.

SOLVED BY THE MEN OF STATION 115
DOWN BY THE WHARF.
YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.

DOWN BY THE WHARF.
YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.
WELL, THANK YOU, CONSTABLE.

YOU CAN ALL GO HOME NOW.
WELL, THANK YOU, CONSTABLE.
COME ON, MISS HAMMERCRACK.

WELL, THANK YOU, CONSTABLE.
COME ON, MISS HAMMERCRACK.
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE

COME ON, MISS HAMMERCRACK.
I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE
STATION.

I'LL TAKE YOU DOWN TO THE
STATION.
WELL, THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.

STATION.
WELL, THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.
MR. HOLMES, I'M AWFULLY GLAD YOU

WELL, THANK YOU, INSPECTOR.
MR. HOLMES, I'M AWFULLY GLAD YOU
WEREN'T THE MURDERER.

MR. HOLMES, I'M AWFULLY GLAD YOU
WEREN'T THE MURDERER.
HMM.

WEREN'T THE MURDERER.
HMM.
SO LONG, DR. WATSON.

HMM.
SO LONG, DR. WATSON.
GOODBYE, INSPECTOR.

SO LONG, DR. WATSON.
GOODBYE, INSPECTOR.
[CLEARS THROAT]

GOODBYE, INSPECTOR.
[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, HOLMES...

[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL, HOLMES...
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR

WELL, HOLMES...
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR
YOURSELF?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY FOR
YOURSELF?
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,

YOURSELF?
EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,
WATSON.

EXCUSE ME FOR A MOMENT,
WATSON.
I THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN

WATSON.
I THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN
THAT MORE EASILY.

I THINK I'LL BE ABLE TO EXPLAIN
THAT MORE EASILY.
[CLEARS THROAT]

THAT MORE EASILY.
[CLEARS THROAT]
[PUFFING LOUDLY]

WELL?
WELL, WHAT?
[SIGHS]

WELL, WHAT?
[SIGHS]
[VIOLIN PLAYS UP-TEMPO MUSIC]

[SIGHS]
[VIOLIN PLAYS UP-TEMPO MUSIC]
[APPLAUSE]

ARE YOU READY YET?
I'M NOT GOING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT

I'M NOT GOING.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT
GOING?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE NOT
GOING?
I'M NOT GOING.

GOING?
I'M NOT GOING.
WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?

I'M NOT GOING.
WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING

WHY AREN'T YOU GOING?
BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO WEAR AND I DON'T LIKE ANYONE

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING
TO WEAR AND I DON'T LIKE ANYONE
WHO'S GONNA BE THERE AND I DON'T

TO WEAR AND I DON'T LIKE ANYONE
WHO'S GONNA BE THERE AND I DON'T
LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL BE

WHO'S GONNA BE THERE AND I DON'T
LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL BE
TALKING TO EVERYONE THERE BUT

LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU'LL BE
TALKING TO EVERYONE THERE BUT
ME.

TALKING TO EVERYONE THERE BUT
ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH WHAT

ME.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH WHAT
YOU'VE GOT ON?

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH WHAT
YOU'VE GOT ON?
IT LOOKS VERY NICE.

YOU'VE GOT ON?
IT LOOKS VERY NICE.
AND YOU LIKE SOME OF THE

IT LOOKS VERY NICE.
AND YOU LIKE SOME OF THE
PEOPLE... JACK, ELAINE.

AND YOU LIKE SOME OF THE
PEOPLE... JACK, ELAINE.
AND OF COURSE I'LL TALK TO YOU.

PEOPLE... JACK, ELAINE.
AND OF COURSE I'LL TALK TO YOU.
COME ON.

AND OF COURSE I'LL TALK TO YOU.
COME ON.
YOU WILL NOT.

COME ON.
YOU WILL NOT.
YOU PREFER TO JOKE WITH YOUR

YOU WILL NOT.
YOU PREFER TO JOKE WITH YOUR
FRIENDS AND DRINK AND SING AND

YOU PREFER TO JOKE WITH YOUR
FRIENDS AND DRINK AND SING AND
MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF

FRIENDS AND DRINK AND SING AND
MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF
RATHER THAN TALK TO ME AT A

MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOURSELF
RATHER THAN TALK TO ME AT A
PARTY.

RATHER THAN TALK TO ME AT A
PARTY.
I WOULD NOT.

PARTY.
I WOULD NOT.
I'D RATHER TALK TO YOU.

I WOULD NOT.
I'D RATHER TALK TO YOU.
THEN WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO TO

I'D RATHER TALK TO YOU.
THEN WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO TO
A PARTY TO TALK?

THEN WHY DO WE HAVE TO GO TO
A PARTY TO TALK?
WE CAN TALK HERE.

A PARTY TO TALK?
WE CAN TALK HERE.
WELL, WE DON'T GO TO A PARTY

WE CAN TALK HERE.
WELL, WE DON'T GO TO A PARTY
TO JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER.

WELL, WE DON'T GO TO A PARTY
TO JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER.
NO, YOU GO TO A PARTY TO TALK

TO JUST TALK TO EACH OTHER.
NO, YOU GO TO A PARTY TO TALK
TO OTHER PEOPLE AND DRINK AND

NO, YOU GO TO A PARTY TO TALK
TO OTHER PEOPLE AND DRINK AND
SING AND MAKE A FOOL OF

TO OTHER PEOPLE AND DRINK AND
SING AND MAKE A FOOL OF
YOURSELF.

SING AND MAKE A FOOL OF
YOURSELF.
WELL, THAT'S CALLED HAVING A

YOURSELF.
WELL, THAT'S CALLED HAVING A
GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW.

WELL, THAT'S CALLED HAVING A
GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO TO A PARTY TO HAVE "FUN,"

GOOD TIME, YOU KNOW.
YOU GO TO A PARTY TO HAVE "FUN,"
YOU KNOW.

YOU GO TO A PARTY TO HAVE "FUN,"
YOU KNOW.
SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST NO FUN

YOU KNOW.
SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST NO FUN
TALKING TO ME ANYMORE.

SO, I GUESS IT'S JUST NO FUN
TALKING TO ME ANYMORE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.

TALKING TO ME ANYMORE.
THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

THAT'S NOT WHAT I SAID.
WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUN?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?
DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUN?
NO, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.

DO YOU THINK THIS IS FUN?
NO, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
HOW COULD IT BE FUN?

NO, YOU'RE TALKING TO ME.
HOW COULD IT BE FUN?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK ALL

HOW COULD IT BE FUN?
ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK ALL
NIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK ALL
NIGHT.
WE'RE ALREADY LATE.

NIGHT.
WE'RE ALREADY LATE.
WE MAY AS WELL FORGET ABOUT ANY

WE'RE ALREADY LATE.
WE MAY AS WELL FORGET ABOUT ANY
PARTY.

WE MAY AS WELL FORGET ABOUT ANY
PARTY.
ISN'T THIS FUN? HA HA.

PARTY.
ISN'T THIS FUN? HA HA.
GO BY YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO

ISN'T THIS FUN? HA HA.
GO BY YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO
GO SO BAD.

GO BY YOURSELF IF YOU WANT TO
GO SO BAD.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.

GO SO BAD.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
I COULDN'T CARE LESS.

I DON'T WANT TO GO.
I COULDN'T CARE LESS.
YOU WERE THE PERSON WHO WANTED

I COULDN'T CARE LESS.
YOU WERE THE PERSON WHO WANTED
TO GO ORIGINALLY.

YOU WERE THE PERSON WHO WANTED
TO GO ORIGINALLY.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE

TO GO ORIGINALLY.
WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
DIFFERENT.

WELL, I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE
DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT THAN WHAT?

DIFFERENT.
DIFFERENT THAN WHAT?
WE'RE NOT EVEN THERE TO SEE WHAT

DIFFERENT THAN WHAT?
WE'RE NOT EVEN THERE TO SEE WHAT
IT IS, MUCH LESS WHAT IT'S

WE'RE NOT EVEN THERE TO SEE WHAT
IT IS, MUCH LESS WHAT IT'S
DIFFERENT THAN.

IT IS, MUCH LESS WHAT IT'S
DIFFERENT THAN.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT WILL

DIFFERENT THAN.
I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT WILL
BE.

I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT IT WILL
BE.
WE'LL GET THERE. WE'LL HARDLY

BE.
WE'LL GET THERE. WE'LL HARDLY
KNOW ANYBODY.

WE'LL GET THERE. WE'LL HARDLY
KNOW ANYBODY.
UH, THERE WILL ONLY BE CHIPS AND

KNOW ANYBODY.
UH, THERE WILL ONLY BE CHIPS AND
DIPS AND I'LL BE UNCOMFORTABLE

UH, THERE WILL ONLY BE CHIPS AND
DIPS AND I'LL BE UNCOMFORTABLE
AND I'LL HATE IT.

DIPS AND I'LL BE UNCOMFORTABLE
AND I'LL HATE IT.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU'LL HATE

AND I'LL HATE IT.
WELL, OF COURSE YOU'LL HATE
IT IF YOU GO EXPECTING TO HATE

WELL, OF COURSE YOU'LL HATE
IT IF YOU GO EXPECTING TO HATE
IT.

IT IF YOU GO EXPECTING TO HATE
IT.
WELL, THAT'S JUST WHAT I

IT.
WELL, THAT'S JUST WHAT I
EXPECT, SO I GUESS THERE'S NO

WELL, THAT'S JUST WHAT I
EXPECT, SO I GUESS THERE'S NO
POINT IN GOING.

EXPECT, SO I GUESS THERE'S NO
POINT IN GOING.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DECIDED

POINT IN GOING.
WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DECIDED
THIS TWO HOURS AGO?

WHY COULDN'T YOU HAVE DECIDED
THIS TWO HOURS AGO?
THAT WAS BEFORE I REMEMBERED

THIS TWO HOURS AGO?
THAT WAS BEFORE I REMEMBERED
THE LAST PARTY WE WENT TO.

THAT WAS BEFORE I REMEMBERED
THE LAST PARTY WE WENT TO.
WE HAD A GOOD TIME.

THE LAST PARTY WE WENT TO.
WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.

WE HAD A GOOD TIME.
YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
WELL, DOES IT BOTHER YOU TO

YOU HAD A GOOD TIME.
WELL, DOES IT BOTHER YOU TO
SEE ME HAVING A GOOD TIME?!

WELL, DOES IT BOTHER YOU TO
SEE ME HAVING A GOOD TIME?!
I DON'T MIND YOU HAVING A

SEE ME HAVING A GOOD TIME?!
I DON'T MIND YOU HAVING A
GOOD TIME.

I DON'T MIND YOU HAVING A
GOOD TIME.
I DON'T EVEN MIND YOU THROWING

GOOD TIME.
I DON'T EVEN MIND YOU THROWING
UP ON ME.

I DON'T EVEN MIND YOU THROWING
UP ON ME.
BUT I CAN'T STAND THE WAY YOU

UP ON ME.
BUT I CAN'T STAND THE WAY YOU
KEEP SHOUTING, "DISCO!" WHEN

BUT I CAN'T STAND THE WAY YOU
KEEP SHOUTING, "DISCO!" WHEN
YOU'RE LYING ON THE FACE IN THE

KEEP SHOUTING, "DISCO!" WHEN
YOU'RE LYING ON THE FACE IN THE
STREET!

YOU'RE LYING ON THE FACE IN THE
STREET!
I DID NOT.

STREET!
I DID NOT.
YOU DID, TOO.

I DID NOT.
YOU DID, TOO.
WELL, IF I DID, I WAS

YOU DID, TOO.
WELL, IF I DID, I WAS
KIDDING.

WELL, IF I DID, I WAS
KIDDING.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I'M

KIDDING.
YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I'M
KIDDING.

YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHEN I'M
KIDDING.
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN

KIDDING.
YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN
YOU'RE KIDDING.

YOU DON'T EVEN REMEMBER WHEN
YOU'RE KIDDING.
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU REMEMBER

YOU'RE KIDDING.
I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU REMEMBER
HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPENT TALKING

I DON'T SUPPOSE YOU REMEMBER
HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPENT TALKING
TO THAT "ACTOR."

HOW MUCH TIME YOU SPENT TALKING
TO THAT "ACTOR."
[SCOFFS]

TO THAT "ACTOR."
[SCOFFS]
HE DID ALL THE TALKING, AND,

[SCOFFS]
HE DID ALL THE TALKING, AND,
BELIEVE ME, IT WAS ALL ABOUT

HE DID ALL THE TALKING, AND,
BELIEVE ME, IT WAS ALL ABOUT
HIMSELF.

BELIEVE ME, IT WAS ALL ABOUT
HIMSELF.
LISTEN, LET'S FORGET ABOUT IT.

HIMSELF.
LISTEN, LET'S FORGET ABOUT IT.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.

LISTEN, LET'S FORGET ABOUT IT.
I DON'T WANT TO GO.
IF YOU WANT TO GO, GO, BUT I'M

I DON'T WANT TO GO.
IF YOU WANT TO GO, GO, BUT I'M
NOT GOING.

IF YOU WANT TO GO, GO, BUT I'M
NOT GOING.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING IF YOU'RE

NOT GOING.
WELL, I'M NOT GOING IF YOU'RE
NOT GOING.

WELL, I'M NOT GOING IF YOU'RE
NOT GOING.
I'M NOT GOING.

NOT GOING.
I'M NOT GOING.
WELL, THEN WE'RE NOT GOING.

I'M NOT GOING.
WELL, THEN WE'RE NOT GOING.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]

WELL, THEN WE'RE NOT GOING.
[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO!!

[TELEPHONE RINGING]
HELLO!!
HELLO, ELAINE.

HELLO!!
HELLO, ELAINE.
NO, WE HAVEN'T LEFT YET.

HELLO, ELAINE.
NO, WE HAVEN'T LEFT YET.
YES, WELL, YEAH.

NO, WE HAVEN'T LEFT YET.
YES, WELL, YEAH.
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.

YES, WELL, YEAH.
SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
ELAINE FOR YOU.

SHE'S RIGHT HERE.
ELAINE FOR YOU.
I'M NOT GOING.

ELAINE FOR YOU.
I'M NOT GOING.
WELL, TELL HER, NOT ME.

HI. [CHUCKLES]
YEAH, I CAN HEAR IT.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

YEAH, I CAN HEAR IT.
YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YES, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.

YEAH, IT SOUNDS LIKE FUN.
YES, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
SURE, WE CAN PICK UP SOME ICE ON

YES, WE WERE JUST LEAVING.
SURE, WE CAN PICK UP SOME ICE ON
THE WAY.

SURE, WE CAN PICK UP SOME ICE ON
THE WAY.
OKAY, WE'LL SEE YOU SOON.

LOOK, UM, COULD YOU GO PICK UP
SOME ICE?
I'LL BE READY WHEN YOU GET BACK.

SOME ICE?
I'LL BE READY WHEN YOU GET BACK.
YOU WANT ICE? WE'RE GOING?

I'LL BE READY WHEN YOU GET BACK.
YOU WANT ICE? WE'RE GOING?
OF COURSE.

YOU WANT ICE? WE'RE GOING?
OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, I'M... I'M GLAD WE HAD

OF COURSE.
YOU KNOW, I'M... I'M GLAD WE HAD
THIS TALK.

YOU KNOW, I'M... I'M GLAD WE HAD
THIS TALK.
NOW, HURRY UP.

THIS TALK.
NOW, HURRY UP.
YOU PARTY ANIMAL!

NOW, HURRY UP.
YOU PARTY ANIMAL!
LET'S DISCO! WHOO!

YOU PARTY ANIMAL!
LET'S DISCO! WHOO!
COME ON, BABY!

LET'S DISCO! WHOO!
COME ON, BABY!
WHOO!

COME ON, BABY!
WHOO!
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
EUGENE RECORD.
[APPLAUSE]

EUGENE RECORD.
[APPLAUSE]
["TRYING TO GET TO YOU" PLAYS]

♪ OH, THE SHAPE I'M IN ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE I LOST THE
RACE AGAIN? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE I LOST THE
RACE AGAIN? ♪
♪ BUT I'M COMIN' AGAIN, 'CAUSE I

RACE AGAIN? ♪
♪ BUT I'M COMIN' AGAIN, 'CAUSE I
JUST GOT TO GET IN ♪

♪ BUT I'M COMIN' AGAIN, 'CAUSE I
JUST GOT TO GET IN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO

JUST GOT TO GET IN ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO
YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO
YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪

YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ BUH-DUH BUH DUH ♪

♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ BUH-DUH BUH DUH ♪
♪ THE BRICK WALL YOU'RE IN ♪

♪ BUH-DUH BUH DUH ♪
♪ THE BRICK WALL YOU'RE IN ♪
♪ IS AS OBVIOUS AS THE COLOR OF

♪ THE BRICK WALL YOU'RE IN ♪
♪ IS AS OBVIOUS AS THE COLOR OF
YOUR HAIR ♪

♪ IS AS OBVIOUS AS THE COLOR OF
YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT I... I

YOUR HAIR ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT I... I
REALLY CARE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE THAT I... I
REALLY CARE? ♪
♪ OOH ♪

REALLY CARE? ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO

♪ OOH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO
YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M TRYIN' TO GET TO
YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪

YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ I TRIED LOVE LETTERS, BUT THEY

♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ I TRIED LOVE LETTERS, BUT THEY
ALL CAME BACK UNOPENED ♪

♪ I TRIED LOVE LETTERS, BUT THEY
ALL CAME BACK UNOPENED ♪
♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D READ

ALL CAME BACK UNOPENED ♪
♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D READ
THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪

♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D READ
THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪

THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ I TRIED TELEPHONIN' ♪

♪ SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ I TRIED TELEPHONIN' ♪
♪ EVERY TIME IT RANG, I WAS

♪ I TRIED TELEPHONIN' ♪
♪ EVERY TIME IT RANG, I WAS
HOPIN' ♪

♪ EVERY TIME IT RANG, I WAS
HOPIN' ♪
♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HEAR

HOPIN' ♪
♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HEAR
THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪

♪ GUESS YOU THOUGHT YOU'D HEAR
THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ OHH ♪

THE SAME OLD THING AGAIN ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ GIRL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ GIRL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE I LOST MY

♪ GIRL, YOU'RE NOT ALONE ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE I LOST MY
WAY BACK TO LOVE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BELIEVE I LOST MY
WAY BACK TO LOVE? ♪
♪ TO A LOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED ♪

WAY BACK TO LOVE? ♪
♪ TO A LOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED ♪
♪ OOH ♪

♪ TO A LOVE THAT NEVER EXISTED ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ GIRL, I SEE IT IN YOU ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ GIRL, I SEE IT IN YOU ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ GIRL, I SEE IT IN YOU ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ AND I KEEP TRYIN' TO GET

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ AND I KEEP TRYIN' TO GET
TO YOU ♪

♪ AND I KEEP TRYIN' TO GET
TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ OHH ♪

♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪
♪ AM I GETTIN' THROUGH NOW? ♪

♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪
♪ AM I GETTIN' THROUGH NOW? ♪
♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪

♪ AM I GETTIN' THROUGH NOW? ♪
♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪
♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪

♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪
♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪
♪ DON'T FIND WHAT LIFE DEMANDS ♪

♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪
♪ DON'T FIND WHAT LIFE DEMANDS ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ DON'T FIND WHAT LIFE DEMANDS ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ I'LL KEEP TRYING' TO GET

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ I'LL KEEP TRYING' TO GET
TO YOU ♪

♪ I'LL KEEP TRYING' TO GET
TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪

TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ OHH ♪

♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ OHH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪

♪ OHH ♪
♪ OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ MMM MMM ♪

♪ OH-OH-OH OH-OH-OH ♪
♪ MMM MMM ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ MMM MMM ♪
♪ OH ♪
♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪

♪ OH ♪
♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪
♪ TELL ME, AM I GETTIN'

♪ JUST A SMILE OR TWO ♪
♪ TELL ME, AM I GETTIN'
THROUGH? ♪

♪ TELL ME, AM I GETTIN'
THROUGH? ♪
♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪

THROUGH? ♪
♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪
♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪

♪ JUST A TOUCH OR TWO ♪
♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪
♪ DON'T FIGHT WHAT LIFE

♪ MY LOVE IS GETTIN' TO YOU ♪
♪ DON'T FIGHT WHAT LIFE
DEMANDS ♪

♪ DON'T FIGHT WHAT LIFE
DEMANDS ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

DEMANDS ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'LL KEEP TRYIN' TO

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'LL KEEP TRYIN' TO
GET TO YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'LL KEEP TRYIN' TO
GET TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪

GET TO YOU ♪
♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ BA BA-DA ♪

♪ TO YOU, TO YOU ♪
♪ BA BA-DA ♪
[APPLAUSE]

♪ BA BA-DA ♪
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

HEY, KIDS, IT'S TIME FOR

"THE MR. BILL SHOW."

[High-pitched voice] OOH,
KIDDIES!
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR

KIDDIES!
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR
BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR
BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF
THE TV SET!

BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF
THE TV SET!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT

THE TV SET!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY!

OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY!
BUT, FIRST, I'D LIKE TO

TIME TODAY!
BUT, FIRST, I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND... HE

BUT, FIRST, I'D LIKE TO
INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND... HE
HELPS ME ALL THE TIME...

INTRODUCE YOU TO MY FRIEND... HE
HELPS ME ALL THE TIME...
MR. HANDS.

HELPS ME ALL THE TIME...
MR. HANDS.
SAY, MR. BILL, ONE OF YOUR

MR. HANDS.
SAY, MR. BILL, ONE OF YOUR
BEST FRIENDS IS COMING OVER TO

SAY, MR. BILL, ONE OF YOUR
BEST FRIENDS IS COMING OVER TO
SEE YOU.

BEST FRIENDS IS COMING OVER TO
SEE YOU.
OH, REALLY? WHO'S THAT?

SEE YOU.
OH, REALLY? WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

OH, REALLY? WHO'S THAT?
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH, SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH, SPOT!
IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!

OH, SPOT!
IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!
HEY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME

IT'S MY DOG, SPOT!
HEY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME
TAKE HIM FOR A WALK, HUH?

HEY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME
TAKE HIM FOR A WALK, HUH?
WHY, SURE, I CAN, MR. BILL,

TAKE HIM FOR A WALK, HUH?
WHY, SURE, I CAN, MR. BILL,
BUT HE LOOKS MIGHTY DIRTY.

WHY, SURE, I CAN, MR. BILL,
BUT HE LOOKS MIGHTY DIRTY.
I THINK HE COULD REALLY USE A

BUT HE LOOKS MIGHTY DIRTY.
I THINK HE COULD REALLY USE A
BATH.

I THINK HE COULD REALLY USE A
BATH.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WATER.

BATH.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WATER.
DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL, I'VE

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY WATER.
DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL, I'VE
GOT SOME WARM WATER HERE TO MAKE

DON'T WORRY, MR. BILL, I'VE
GOT SOME WARM WATER HERE TO MAKE
SPOT FEEL FRESH AND CLEAN.

GOT SOME WARM WATER HERE TO MAKE
SPOT FEEL FRESH AND CLEAN.
THERE HE GOES!

SPOT FEEL FRESH AND CLEAN.
THERE HE GOES!
OH, NO!

THERE HE GOES!
OH, NO!
THERE, I BET SPOT FEELS MUCH

OH, NO!
THERE, I BET SPOT FEELS MUCH
BETTER.

THERE, I BET SPOT FEELS MUCH
BETTER.
NO!

BETTER.
NO!
NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, 'CAUSE

NO!
NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, 'CAUSE
YOU KNOW IT'S GETTING TO BE THAT

NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, 'CAUSE
YOU KNOW IT'S GETTING TO BE THAT
TIME OF YEAR AGAIN WHEN ALL GOOD

YOU KNOW IT'S GETTING TO BE THAT
TIME OF YEAR AGAIN WHEN ALL GOOD
AMERICANS HAVE TO PAY THEIR

TIME OF YEAR AGAIN WHEN ALL GOOD
AMERICANS HAVE TO PAY THEIR
TAXES.

AMERICANS HAVE TO PAY THEIR
TAXES.
AND SINCE YOU'VE MADE SO MUCH

TAXES.
AND SINCE YOU'VE MADE SO MUCH
MONEY THIS YEAR, I THINK YOU'LL

AND SINCE YOU'VE MADE SO MUCH
MONEY THIS YEAR, I THINK YOU'LL
NEED ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL.

MONEY THIS YEAR, I THINK YOU'LL
NEED ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL.
UH, WHO IS THAT, MR. HANDS,

NEED ADVICE FROM A PROFESSIONAL.
UH, WHO IS THAT, MR. HANDS,
HUH?

UH, WHO IS THAT, MR. HANDS,
HUH?
WHY IT'S H&R SLUGGO!

HUH?
WHY IT'S H&R SLUGGO!
H&R SLUGGO SAYS YOU OWE AN

WHY IT'S H&R SLUGGO!
H&R SLUGGO SAYS YOU OWE AN
ARM AND A LEG.

H&R SLUGGO SAYS YOU OWE AN
ARM AND A LEG.
OH, NO!

ARM AND A LEG.
OH, NO!
AND AN ARM.

OH, NO!
AND AN ARM.
AN ARM AND A LEG.

AND AN ARM.
AN ARM AND A LEG.
OHHH!

AN ARM AND A LEG.
OHHH!
[SQUEALING]

OHHH!
[SQUEALING]
AND FOR DOING YOUR CIVIC

[SQUEALING]
AND FOR DOING YOUR CIVIC
DUTY, MR. BILL, HERE'S YOUR

AND FOR DOING YOUR CIVIC
DUTY, MR. BILL, HERE'S YOUR
RECEIPT FROM UNCLE SAM.

DUTY, MR. BILL, HERE'S YOUR
RECEIPT FROM UNCLE SAM.
OHH! OH, MY GOD!

RECEIPT FROM UNCLE SAM.
OHH! OH, MY GOD!
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, A GIRL IS

OHH! OH, MY GOD!
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, A GIRL IS
COMING TO SEE YOU, BUT YOUR

YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, A GIRL IS
COMING TO SEE YOU, BUT YOUR
CLOTHES LOOK A LITTLE BIT

COMING TO SEE YOU, BUT YOUR
CLOTHES LOOK A LITTLE BIT
WRINKLED, SO MAYBE WE'D BETTER

CLOTHES LOOK A LITTLE BIT
WRINKLED, SO MAYBE WE'D BETTER
GIVE THEM A NICE PRESSING.

WRINKLED, SO MAYBE WE'D BETTER
GIVE THEM A NICE PRESSING.
OH, NOT AN IRON!

GIVE THEM A NICE PRESSING.
OH, NOT AN IRON!
[SCREAMING]

OH, NOT AN IRON!
[SCREAMING]
JUST IN TIME, MR. BILL,

[SCREAMING]
JUST IN TIME, MR. BILL,
'CAUSE HERE COMES YOUR

JUST IN TIME, MR. BILL,
'CAUSE HERE COMES YOUR
GIRLFRIEND, SLUGGO'S SISTER

'CAUSE HERE COMES YOUR
GIRLFRIEND, SLUGGO'S SISTER
MISS SLUGGO.

GIRLFRIEND, SLUGGO'S SISTER
MISS SLUGGO.
OH, NO, SHE'S GONNA BE MEAN

MISS SLUGGO.
OH, NO, SHE'S GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!

OH, NO, SHE'S GONNA BE MEAN
TO ME!
AND SINCE YOU LOOK LIKE

TO ME!
AND SINCE YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE IN LOVE, FATHER SLUGGO

AND SINCE YOU LOOK LIKE
YOU'RE IN LOVE, FATHER SLUGGO
NOW PRONOUNCES YOU MAN AND WIFE.

YOU'RE IN LOVE, FATHER SLUGGO
NOW PRONOUNCES YOU MAN AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE,

NOW PRONOUNCES YOU MAN AND WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE,
MR. BILL.

YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE,
MR. BILL.
OHH! OHH!

MR. BILL.
OHH! OHH!
WELL, NOW TIME TO LEAVE ON A

OHH! OHH!
WELL, NOW TIME TO LEAVE ON A
TRADITIONAL HONEYMOON TO

WELL, NOW TIME TO LEAVE ON A
TRADITIONAL HONEYMOON TO
NIAGARA FALLS.

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, THE

NEWLYWEDS SAY "SO LONG" TO

MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND

EVERYONE IN THE SHOW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS]

[SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYS]

HELLO, I'M DAVE MABLE.
WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO
"DANGER PROBE."

WELCOME ONCE AGAIN TO
"DANGER PROBE."
TONIGHT'S STORY IS FILE NUMBER

"DANGER PROBE."
TONIGHT'S STORY IS FILE NUMBER
288 FROM THE "DANGER PROBE"

TONIGHT'S STORY IS FILE NUMBER
288 FROM THE "DANGER PROBE"
FILES.

288 FROM THE "DANGER PROBE"
FILES.
THE EVENTS IN 288 OCCURRED

FILES.
THE EVENTS IN 288 OCCURRED
RECENTLY IN A ROADHOUSE BAR IN

THE EVENTS IN 288 OCCURRED
RECENTLY IN A ROADHOUSE BAR IN
THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE

RECENTLY IN A ROADHOUSE BAR IN
THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE
UNITED STATES.

THE DEEP SOUTH OF THE
UNITED STATES.
IT IS 2:00 ON A MUGGY,

UNITED STATES.
IT IS 2:00 ON A MUGGY,
SWELTERING JULY AFTERNOON.

IT IS 2:00 ON A MUGGY,
SWELTERING JULY AFTERNOON.
THE BARTENDER, ROD M., A BIGOTED

SWELTERING JULY AFTERNOON.
THE BARTENDER, ROD M., A BIGOTED
3-TIME-CONVICTED RAPIST, IS

THE BARTENDER, ROD M., A BIGOTED
3-TIME-CONVICTED RAPIST, IS
SERVING DRINKS TO MATT Q., A

3-TIME-CONVICTED RAPIST, IS
SERVING DRINKS TO MATT Q., A
BIGOTED HEAVY-EQUIPMENT OPERATOR

SERVING DRINKS TO MATT Q., A
BIGOTED HEAVY-EQUIPMENT OPERATOR
NOTED FOR HIS INDISCRIMINATE USE

BIGOTED HEAVY-EQUIPMENT OPERATOR
NOTED FOR HIS INDISCRIMINATE USE
OF MARTIAL ARTS.

NOTED FOR HIS INDISCRIMINATE USE
OF MARTIAL ARTS.
"DANGER PROBE" EXAMINES THE

OF MARTIAL ARTS.
"DANGER PROBE" EXAMINES THE
REACTION OF THESE TWO STRONG,

"DANGER PROBE" EXAMINES THE
REACTION OF THESE TWO STRONG,
VICIOUS MEN WHEN TWO STRANGERS

REACTION OF THESE TWO STRONG,
VICIOUS MEN WHEN TWO STRANGERS
ENTER THE BAR... IN THIS CASE,

VICIOUS MEN WHEN TWO STRANGERS
ENTER THE BAR... IN THIS CASE,
AN 18th-CENTURY BELGIAN FOP AND

ENTER THE BAR... IN THIS CASE,
AN 18th-CENTURY BELGIAN FOP AND
HIS SERVANT, A SPLENDIDLY

AN 18th-CENTURY BELGIAN FOP AND
HIS SERVANT, A SPLENDIDLY
HANDSOME SPANISH BLACKAMOOR.

HIS SERVANT, A SPLENDIDLY
HANDSOME SPANISH BLACKAMOOR.
THIS IS "DANGER PROBE."

HANDSOME SPANISH BLACKAMOOR.
THIS IS "DANGER PROBE."
[MID-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC

THIS IS "DANGER PROBE."
[MID-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYS]

[MID-TEMPO COUNTRY MUSIC
PLAYS]
[Slurring] OH, IT'S HOTTER

[PLAYS]
[Slurring] OH, IT'S HOTTER
THAN A SUMBITCH, EH?

[Slurring] OH, IT'S HOTTER
THAN A SUMBITCH, EH?
KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON

THAN A SUMBITCH, EH?
KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON
PROBATION, MATT?

KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON
PROBATION, MATT?
[CHUCKLES]

PROBATION, MATT?
[CHUCKLES]
SUMBITCH KLAN GRAND WIZARD

[CHUCKLES]
SUMBITCH KLAN GRAND WIZARD
PUT ME OUT OF PROBATION?

SUMBITCH KLAN GRAND WIZARD
PUT ME OUT OF PROBATION?
SUMBITCH'S KLAVERN?

PUT ME OUT OF PROBATION?
SUMBITCH'S KLAVERN?
HELL, I'LL JUST RAISE SOME HELL!

SUMBITCH'S KLAVERN?
HELL, I'LL JUST RAISE SOME HELL!
SUMBITCH KLAN.

HELL, I'LL JUST RAISE SOME HELL!
SUMBITCH KLAN.
YEE-HAW!

SUMBITCH KLAN.
YEE-HAW!
KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON

YEE-HAW!
KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON
PROBATION!

KLAN GONNA PUT YOU ON
PROBATION!
[LAUGHING]

PROBATION!
[LAUGHING]
DAMN.

[LAUGHING]
DAMN.
[CHUCKLES]

DAMN.
[CHUCKLES]
[Foreign accent] WILL YOU

[CHUCKLES]
[Foreign accent] WILL YOU
ACCEPT THESE GUILDERS AND FRANCS

[Foreign accent] WILL YOU
ACCEPT THESE GUILDERS AND FRANCS
FOR MY COMPANION AND I TO DRINK?

ACCEPT THESE GUILDERS AND FRANCS
FOR MY COMPANION AND I TO DRINK?
[Foreign accent] SHALL I

FOR MY COMPANION AND I TO DRINK?
[Foreign accent] SHALL I
DANCE FOR THEM?

[Foreign accent] SHALL I
DANCE FOR THEM?
I AM A VERY GOOD DANCER.

DANCE FOR THEM?
I AM A VERY GOOD DANCER.
SONNY BOY, WE DON'T ALLOW NO

I AM A VERY GOOD DANCER.
SONNY BOY, WE DON'T ALLOW NO
NIGRAS.

SONNY BOY, WE DON'T ALLOW NO
NIGRAS.
I'M FROM BRUGES.

NIGRAS.
I'M FROM BRUGES.
AFTER SUNSET, IT IS CUSTOMARY

I'M FROM BRUGES.
AFTER SUNSET, IT IS CUSTOMARY
FOR MEN TO KISS A DANCING

AFTER SUNSET, IT IS CUSTOMARY
FOR MEN TO KISS A DANCING
BLACKAMOOR BEFORE APPLYING

FOR MEN TO KISS A DANCING
BLACKAMOOR BEFORE APPLYING
DELICATE FACE POWDER.

BLACKAMOOR BEFORE APPLYING
DELICATE FACE POWDER.
I FREQUENTLY ROUGE MY LIPS TO

DELICATE FACE POWDER.
I FREQUENTLY ROUGE MY LIPS TO
KISS MEN.

I FREQUENTLY ROUGE MY LIPS TO
KISS MEN.
MMM, MMM, MMM.

KISS MEN.
MMM, MMM, MMM.
SUMBITCH.

MMM, MMM, MMM.
SUMBITCH.
UH, YOU GOT A LEAD PIPE BACK

SUMBITCH.
UH, YOU GOT A LEAD PIPE BACK
THERE?

UH, YOU GOT A LEAD PIPE BACK
THERE?
HEY, YOU AIN'T GONNA WASTE NO

THERE?
HEY, YOU AIN'T GONNA WASTE NO
TIME, ARE YOU, MATT?

HEY, YOU AIN'T GONNA WASTE NO
TIME, ARE YOU, MATT?
HERE YOU GO.

TIME, ARE YOU, MATT?
HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.

HERE YOU GO.
THANK YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA GIVE THEM BOTH A

THANK YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA GIVE THEM BOTH A
GOOD CRACK, AND WE GO

I'M JUST GONNA GIVE THEM BOTH A
GOOD CRACK, AND WE GO
BACK IN THE MARSH.

GOOD CRACK, AND WE GO
BACK IN THE MARSH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?

BACK IN THE MARSH.
WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
[LAUGHS]

WHAT DO YOU SAY, HUH?
[LAUGHS]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT!

[LAUGHS]
HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT!
OKAY, BOYS, COME ON DOWN!

HOLD IT RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT!
OKAY, BOYS, COME ON DOWN!
LET'S GO!

OKAY, BOYS, COME ON DOWN!
LET'S GO!
[MEN GRUNTING]

LET'S GO!
[MEN GRUNTING]
GET THEM BACK.

[MEN GRUNTING]
GET THEM BACK.
[GLASS RATTLING]

GET THEM BACK.
[GLASS RATTLING]
ARE YOU TWO ALL RIGHT?

[GLASS RATTLING]
ARE YOU TWO ALL RIGHT?
YES, YES.

ARE YOU TWO ALL RIGHT?
YES, YES.
OH, YES, THANK YOU.

YES, YES.
OH, YES, THANK YOU.
HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?

OH, YES, THANK YOU.
HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPAY ME.

HOW CAN WE EVER REPAY YOU?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPAY ME.
JUST SAY THAT YOU TASTED DANGER

YOU DON'T HAVE TO REPAY ME.
JUST SAY THAT YOU TASTED DANGER
ON DAVE MABLE'S "DANGER PROBE"!

ON DAVE MABLE'S "DANGER PROBE"!
[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]

[THEME MUSIC PLAYS]
ALL STORIES ON "DANGER PROBE"

ALL STORIES ON "DANGER PROBE"
ARE TRUE.

ARE TRUE.
SEND YOUR TRUE-LIFE EXPERIENCES

SEND YOUR TRUE-LIFE EXPERIENCES
TO DAVE MABLE'S "DANGER PROBE."

TO DAVE MABLE'S "DANGER PROBE."
THE PRODUCERS WILL PAY $50 FOR

THE PRODUCERS WILL PAY $50 FOR
ALL STORIES USED.

ALL STORIES USED.
[APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

THANK YOU, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A GREAT

GENTLEMEN.
THANK YOU FOR BEING A GREAT
AUDIENCE.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A GREAT
AUDIENCE.
I'D LIKE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.

AUDIENCE.
I'D LIKE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
WE HAVE HERE THE TWO CATS WHO

I'D LIKE TO SAY GOOD NIGHT.
WE HAVE HERE THE TWO CATS WHO
EARLIER MADE THEIR GREAT DEBUT.

WE HAVE HERE THE TWO CATS WHO
EARLIER MADE THEIR GREAT DEBUT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE FINE.

EARLIER MADE THEIR GREAT DEBUT.
AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'RE REALLY WELL.

AS YOU CAN SEE, THEY'RE FINE.
THEY'RE REALLY WELL.
HEAR IT FOR THE CATS?

THEY'RE REALLY WELL.
HEAR IT FOR THE CATS?
[APPLAUSE]

HEAR IT FOR THE CATS?
[APPLAUSE]
OKAY?

[APPLAUSE]
OKAY?
LOVELY.

OKAY?
LOVELY.
SEAFOOD SALAD, TOO.

LOVELY.
SEAFOOD SALAD, TOO.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE SEAFOOD

SEAFOOD SALAD, TOO.
LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE SEAFOOD
SALAD.

LET'S HEAR IT FOR THE SEAFOOD
SALAD.
[APPLAUSE]

SALAD.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, EVERYONE.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, EVERYONE.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

MICHAEL SARRAZIN WITH MUSICAL

GUEST KEITH JARRETT.

THIS IS DON PARDO, THE VOICE OF

A THOUSAND FACES.

GOOD NIGHT.