Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 3, Episode 15 - Christopher Lee/Meat Loaf - full transcript

Announcer: WILL NOT BE
SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL

SEEN TONIGHT SO THAT NBC MAY
PRESENT THE FOLLOWING SPECIAL
PROGRAM.

FINE HAIR... THERE'S NO
POINT.
IT'S VERY FINE.

POINT.
IT'S VERY FINE.
YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT.

IT'S VERY FINE.
YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT.
OH, BILLY.

YOU CAN'T BE THAT ROUGH WITH IT.
OH, BILLY.
IT'S VERY FINE HAIR.

OH, BILLY.
IT'S VERY FINE HAIR.
BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING

IT'S VERY FINE HAIR.
BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO JOHN.

BILLY, GUESS WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO JOHN.
BELUSHI? WHAT?

TO JOHN.
BELUSHI? WHAT?
HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.

BELUSHI? WHAT?
HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.
WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD?



HE'S GOING TO HOLLYWOOD.
WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD?
WELL, IT'S THIS THING.

WHY'S HE GOING TO HOLLYWOOD?
WELL, IT'S THIS THING.
LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS

WELL, IT'S THIS THING.
LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS
LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS,"

LIKE, UM, JOHN CHANCELLOR IS
LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS,"
YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT

LEAVING THE "NBC NIGHTLY NEWS,"
YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT
EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE.

YOU KNOW, AND THAT MEANS THAT
EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE.
LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER

EVERYBODY AT NBC MOVES UP ONE.
LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER
YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING...

LIKE, TOM BROKOUR... OR HOWEVER
YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING...
BROKAW, YEAH.

YOU PRONOUNCE IT OR ANYTHING...
BROKAW, YEAH.
BROKAW.

BROKAW, YEAH.
BROKAW.
HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA

BROKAW.
HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA
TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND

HE'S GOING TO, UM... HE'S GONNA
TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND
LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW.

TAKE OVER THE "NIGHTLY NEWS" AND
LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW.
AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING

LEAVE THE "TODAY" SHOW.
AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING
"THE TOMORROW SHOW."



AND TOM SNYDER'S LEAVING
"THE TOMORROW SHOW."
AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE

"THE TOMORROW SHOW."
AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE
"TODAY" SHOW.

AND HE'S GONNA TAKE OVER THE
"TODAY" SHOW.
AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING

"TODAY" SHOW.
AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING
"GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA

AND DAN HAGGERTY IS LEAVING
"GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA
TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON

"GRIZZLY ADAMS," AND HE'S GONNA
TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON
"TOMORROW."

TAKE OVER SNYDER'S PART ON
"TOMORROW."
AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE

"TOMORROW."
AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE
OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"?

AND THEY WANT JOHN TO TAKE
OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

OVER FOR "GRIZZLY ADAMS"?
YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT LUCKY STIFF.

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT LUCKY STIFF.
WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU

THAT LUCKY STIFF.
WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU
KNOW.

WELL, IT'S NOT DEFINITE, YOU
KNOW.
EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL

KNOW.
EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL
APPROVAL.

EVIDENTLY, THE BEAR HAS FINAL
APPROVAL.
BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING,

APPROVAL.
BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING,
THOUGH.

BOY, THAT WOULD BE SOMETHING,
THOUGH.
JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS

THOUGH.
JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS
GRIZZLY ADAMS.

JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS
GRIZZLY ADAMS.
OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE

GRIZZLY ADAMS.
OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE
"JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS

OH, IT'S NOT GONNA BE
"JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS
GRIZZLY ADAMS."

"JOHN BELUSHI STARRING AS
GRIZZLY ADAMS."
THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE

GRIZZLY ADAMS."
THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE
HIS NAME.

THE NETWORK WANTS HIM TO CHANGE
HIS NAME.
WHY CHANGE HIS NAME?

HIS NAME.
WHY CHANGE HIS NAME?
WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY

WHY CHANGE HIS NAME?
WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY
FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES

WELL, YOU SEE, I GUESS THEY
FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES
THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH

FIGURE THAT EVERYBODY ASSOCIATES
THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH
COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW?

THE NAME "JOHN BELUSHI" WITH
COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW?
AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF

COMEDY AND SATIRE, YOU KNOW?
AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF
HUMOR.

AND THIS BEAR HAS NO SENSE OF
HUMOR.
SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM

HUMOR.
SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM
CHANGE HIS NAME.

SO THE NETWORK'S MAKING HIM
CHANGE HIS NAME.
WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME?

CHANGE HIS NAME.
WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME?
KEVIN SCOTT.

WHAT'S HIS NEW NAME?
KEVIN SCOTT.
"KEVIN SCOTT"?

KEVIN SCOTT.
"KEVIN SCOTT"?
YEAH, KEV...

"KEVIN SCOTT"?
YEAH, KEV...
UH-OH, THERE HE COMES.

YEAH, KEV...
UH-OH, THERE HE COMES.
Shh, shh.

UH-OH, THERE HE COMES.
Shh, shh.
WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS

Shh, shh.
WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS
ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN.

WELL, I GUESS CONGRATULATIONS
ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN.
DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY?

ARE IN ORDER, KEVIN.
DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY?
I DON'T LIKE IT.

DON'T CALL ME KEVIN, OKAY?
I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S FORCED ON ME.

I DON'T LIKE IT.
IT'S FORCED ON ME.
BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE

IT'S FORCED ON ME.
BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE
YET.

BESIDES, THE DEAL'S NOT DEFINITE
YET.
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART

YET.
YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART
YET.

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T GOT THE PART
YET.
THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL.

YET.
THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL.
WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY,

THE BEAR'S GOT FINAL APPROVAL.
WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY,
MAN.

WELL, IT'S A BIG OPPORTUNITY,
MAN.
YEAH.

MAN.
YEAH.
YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS.

YEAH.
YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS.
YEAH, I'M KIND OF.

YEAH, YOU MUST BE NERVOUS.
YEAH, I'M KIND OF.
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A

YEAH, I'M KIND OF.
IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A
LIFETIME, YOU KNOW?

IT'S AN OPPORTUNITY OF A
LIFETIME, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.

LIFETIME, YOU KNOW?
YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN,

YEAH.
WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN,
YOU COULD BE LIVING IN

WELL, YOU KNOW SOMETHING, JOHN,
YOU COULD BE LIVING IN
HOLLYWOOD.

YOU COULD BE LIVING IN
HOLLYWOOD.
I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD,

HOLLYWOOD.
I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD,
GILDA.

I DON'T LIKE HOLLYWOOD,
GILDA.
YOU KNOW THAT.

GILDA.
YOU KNOW THAT.
A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW THAT.
A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT

A BUNCH OF PHONIES OUT THERE.
YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT
ME.

YOU KNOW, BUT DON'T WORRY ABOUT
ME.
I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE.

ME.
I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE.
I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE

I'M NOT GONNA CHANGE.
I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE
JOHN, WHEREVER I GO.

I'LL JUST BE... I'LL JUST BE
JOHN, WHEREVER I GO.
OR KEV.

JOHN, WHEREVER I GO.
OR KEV.
[CHUCKLES]

OR KEV.
[CHUCKLES]
IT ALL DEPENDS.

[CHUCKLES]
IT ALL DEPENDS.
JOHN.

IT ALL DEPENDS.
JOHN.
YEAH?

JOHN.
YEAH?
THIS IS SCARY.

YEAH?
THIS IS SCARY.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.

THIS IS SCARY.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO,

I'M GONNA MISS YOU.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO,
GILDA.

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO,
GILDA.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL.

GILDA.
I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, TOO, BILL.
YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A
LONG WAY.

YOU KNOW, YOU'VE BOTH COME A
LONG WAY.
YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST

LONG WAY.
YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST
STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW.

YOU WERE LIKE ME WHEN I FIRST
STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW.
KIND OF GREEN.

STARTED OUT, YOU KNOW.
KIND OF GREEN.
WHO KNOWS?

KIND OF GREEN.
WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT

WHO KNOWS?
MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT
TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS.

MAYBE THEY'LL BE FLYING YOU OUT
TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS.
WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN

TO THE COAST IN A COUPLE YEARS.
WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN
HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I

WHEN THEY NEED YOU OUT IN
HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I
GUESS.

HOLLYWOOD, THEY NEED YOU, I
GUESS.
THANKS, JOHN.

GUESS.
THANKS, JOHN.
COMING FROM THE NEXT

THANKS, JOHN.
COMING FROM THE NEXT
GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE

COMING FROM THE NEXT
GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE
A LOT.

GRIZZLY ADAMS, THAT MEANS QUITE
A LOT.
THANK YOU.

A LOT.
THANK YOU.
YEAH.

THANK YOU.
YEAH.
SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T

YEAH.
SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T
GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO

SAY, YOU KNOW, HEY, IF I DON'T
GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO
DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND,

GET A CHANCE TO SAY GOODBYE TO
DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND,
UH...

DANNY, GARRETT, LARAINE, AND,
UH...
JANE.

UH...
JANE.
JANE, YEAH, YEAH.

JANE.
JANE, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM

JANE, YEAH, YEAH.
YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM
FOR ME.

YOU KNOW, SAY GOODBYE TO THEM
FOR ME.
I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL.

FOR ME.
I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL.
BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS

I'M GONNA MISS 'EM ALL.
BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS
SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK,

BUT MOST OF ALL, I'M GONNA MISS
SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"

SAYING, "LIVE FROM NEW YORK,
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"
LIVE.

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!"
LIVE.
[BAND PLAYS]

LIVE.
[BAND PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IT'S

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE"...

STARRING CHRISTOPHER LEE...

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUESTS...

MEAT LOAF...

RICHARD BELZER...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS...

DAN AYKROYD...
JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...

JANE CURTIN...
GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...

GARRETT MORRIS...
BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...

BILL MURRAY...
LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...

LARAINE NEWMAN...
GILDA RADNER...
AND KEVIN SCOTT!

GILDA RADNER...
AND KEVIN SCOTT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

AND KEVIN SCOTT!
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
CHRISTOPHER LEE!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
CHRISTOPHER LEE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF
YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE

I'M QUITE SURE THAT WHEN SOME OF
YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE
WAS GOING TO HOST

YOU HEARD THAT CHRISTOPHER LEE
WAS GOING TO HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE

WAS GOING TO HOST
"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE
SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE," YOU WERE
SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A
LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE.

SOMEWHAT SURPRISED AND NOT A
LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE.
WELL, SO WAS I.

LITTLE... APPREHENSIVE.
WELL, SO WAS I.
IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE

WELL, SO WAS I.
IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE
THING WITH CONSIDERABLE

IN FACT, I APPROACHED THIS WHOLE
THING WITH CONSIDERABLE
TREPIDATION AND DREAD.

THING WITH CONSIDERABLE
TREPIDATION AND DREAD.
YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND

TREPIDATION AND DREAD.
YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND
I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY.

YOU SEE, I'VE SEEN THE SHOW, AND
I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY.
AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM...

I ADMIRE IT ENORMOUSLY.
AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM...
QUITE HUMOROUS.

AT TIMES, I EVEN FIND IT, UM...
QUITE HUMOROUS.
[LAUGHTER]

QUITE HUMOROUS.
[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER

[LAUGHTER]
YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER
130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL

YOU KNOW, I'VE APPEARED IN OVER
130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL
OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON

130 MOTION PICTURES AND NOT ALL
OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON
CHANNEL 9.

OF THEM BEGIN AT 3:00 A.M. ON
CHANNEL 9.
[LAUGHTER]

CHANNEL 9.
[LAUGHTER]
I WAS

[LAUGHTER]
I WAS
"THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"...

I WAS
"THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"...
THE JAMES BOND FILM.

"THE MAN WITH THE GOLDEN GUN"...
THE JAMES BOND FILM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE JAMES BOND FILM.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN
"THE THREE" AND

I PLAYED WITH RAQUEL WELCH IN
"THE THREE" AND
"FOUR MUSKETEERS."

"THE THREE" AND
"FOUR MUSKETEERS."
I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77."

"FOUR MUSKETEERS."
I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77."
AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL

I DROWNED IN "AIRPORT 77."
AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL
REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN

AND I AM SURE THAT YOU WILL
REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN
"THE HONEYMOONERS."

REMEMBER ME VIVIDLY AS TRIXIE IN
"THE HONEYMOONERS."
[LAUGHTER]

"THE HONEYMOONERS."
[LAUGHTER]
AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO

[LAUGHTER]
AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO
PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY

AS YOU MAY KNOW, I FIRST CAME TO
PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY
APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER...

PUBLIC ATTENTION THROUGH MY
APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER...
EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS.

APPEARANCES IN CERTAIN RATHER...
EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS.
BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO

EERIE AND MACABRE FILMS.
BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO
LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN

BUT YOU MAY BE SURPRISED TO
LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN
SEVERAL YEARS.

LEARN THAT I HAVEN'T MADE ONE IN
SEVERAL YEARS.
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT

SEVERAL YEARS.
THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT
DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF

THIS IS BECAUSE I HAVE A GREAT
DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF
FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT

DEAL OF RESPECT FOR THIS KIND OF
FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT
VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING

FILM, AND I DON'T THINK THAT
VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING
PRODUCED ANYMORE.

VERY GOOD ONES ARE BEING
PRODUCED ANYMORE.
WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF

PRODUCED ANYMORE.
WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF
RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE

WEEK AFTER WEEK, I FIND MYSELF
RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE
"THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK

RECEIVING SCRIPTS LIKE
"THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK
STUDIES PROGRAM."

"THE CREATURE FROM THE BLACK
STUDIES PROGRAM."
[LAUGHTER]

STUDIES PROGRAM."
[LAUGHTER]
AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE

[LAUGHTER]
AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE
WOLFMAN."

AND "FRANKENSTEIN SNUBS THE
WOLFMAN."
AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S

WOLFMAN."
AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S
HOUSE OF PANCAKES."

AND, OF COURSE, "DR. TERROR'S
HOUSE OF PANCAKES."
BUT...

HOUSE OF PANCAKES."
BUT...
[LAUGHTER]

BUT...
[LAUGHTER]
TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE

[LAUGHTER]
TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE
DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF

TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA OF THE
DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF
PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I

DEPTHS TO WHICH THIS SORT OF
PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I
CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU

PICTURE HAS SUNK NOWADAYS, I
CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU
SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS.

CAN'T DO BETTER THAN TO SHOW YOU
SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS.
HERE, THEN, ARE THE TRAILERS FOR

SOME COMING ATTRACTIONS.
HERE, THEN, ARE THE TRAILERS FOR
THREE CURRENT FILMS.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
[Transylvanian accent] AH,
COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE?

[Transylvanian accent] AH,
COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO

COULD YOU DESCRIBE THE SUITCASE?
CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO
CONDITION?

CAN'T YOU SEE I'M IN NO
CONDITION?
WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG?

CONDITION?
WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG?
A VALISE?

WELL, IS IT AN OVERNIGHT BAG?
A VALISE?
A GARMENT BAG?

A VALISE?
A GARMENT BAG?
HUH?

A GARMENT BAG?
HUH?
PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF

HUH?
PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF
SOME HELP.

PERHAPS MY ASSISTANT CAN BE OF
SOME HELP.
COME, ASSISTANT.

SOME HELP.
COME, ASSISTANT.
[SCREAMS]

COME, ASSISTANT.
[SCREAMS]
Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT

[SCREAMS]
Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT
THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU

Announcer: WHEN YOU VISIT
THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU
LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS

THE ISLAND OF DR. MOBIUS, YOU
LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS
BEHIND!

LEAVE YOUR SOUL AND YOUR BAGS
BEHIND!
FOR THIS IS...

BEHIND!
FOR THIS IS...
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

FOR THIS IS...
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS,

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS,
ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS

BASED ON A STORY BY H.G. WELLS,
ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS
REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON,

ALTHOUGH THE LUGGAGE PART WAS
REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON,
WHO'S IN CHARGE OF

REALLY THE IDEA OF FRANK BORMON,
WHO'S IN CHARGE OF
EASTERN AIRLINES.

WHO'S IN CHARGE OF
EASTERN AIRLINES.
"THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS

EASTERN AIRLINES.
"THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS
ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING

"THE ISLAND OF LOST LUGGAGE" IS
ONE OF THE MOST TERRIFYING
MOTION PICTURES EVER MADE.

MOBIUS, YOU MONSTER!
GIVE ME MY LUGGAGE!
CERTAINLY.

GIVE ME MY LUGGAGE!
CERTAINLY.
BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND

CERTAINLY.
BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND
VISIT MY LABORATORY.

BUT FIRST, YOU MUST REST AND
VISIT MY LABORATORY.
[CHUCKLES]

VISIT MY LABORATORY.
[CHUCKLES]
AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT

[CHUCKLES]
AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT
YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK.

AND BY THE WAY, I'M SURE THAT
YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK.
[LAUGHS EVILLY]

YOU HAVE YOUR CLAIM CHECK.
[LAUGHS EVILLY]
[SCREAMS]

[LAUGHS EVILLY]
[SCREAMS]
Announcer: AN EXPERIENCE

[SCREAMS]
Announcer: AN EXPERIENCE
IN TERROR AND INCONVENIENCE!

IN TERROR AND INCONVENIENCE!
NOW AT NEIGHBORHOOD THEATERS.

NOW AT NEIGHBORHOOD THEATERS.
SPECIAL 3-D GLASSES AVAILABLE IN

SPECIAL 3-D GLASSES AVAILABLE IN
LOBBY.

WELL, UH, WE'RE GLAD YOU
COULD [YAWNS] STOP BY, BUT
[YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY

COULD [YAWNS] STOP BY, BUT
[YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY
LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET

[YAWNS] IT'S GETTING PRETTY
LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET
TO BED NOW.

LATE, AND, UH, WE'D BETTER GET
TO BED NOW.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER

TO BED NOW.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
RECORDS BESIDES THESE?

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY OTHER
RECORDS BESIDES THESE?
I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS

RECORDS BESIDES THESE?
I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS
ONE.

I THINK I'M GONNA TO BORROW THIS
ONE.
[SCREAMS]

ONE.
[SCREAMS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[SCREAMS]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT
WARNING!

Announcer: IT CAME WITHOUT
WARNING!
THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE!

WARNING!
THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE!
THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEY'D

THEY WERE JUST BEING POLITE!
THEY DIDN'T REALIZE THAT THEY'D
BE STUCK WITH...

YOU SEE, WE BOTH HAVE TO BE
AT WORK REAL EARLY TOMORROW
MORNING, SEE?

AT WORK REAL EARLY TOMORROW
MORNING, SEE?
GOD, I'M THIRSTY.

MORNING, SEE?
GOD, I'M THIRSTY.
IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE?

GOD, I'M THIRSTY.
IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE?
[SCREAMS]

IS ANYTHING IN THE FRIDGE?
[SCREAMS]
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE

[SCREAMS]
LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE
RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED.

LOOK, I DON'T WANT TO BE
RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

RUDE, BUT MY WIFE IS VERY TIRED.
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
YEAH.

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
YEAH.
HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON

YEAH.
HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON
TONIGHT!

HEY, THERE'S A GOOD MOVIE ON
TONIGHT!
I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME

TONIGHT!
I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME
FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE.

I THINK I'LL CALL UP SOME
FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE.
[SCREAMS]

FRIENDS AND WATCH IT OVER HERE.
[SCREAMS]
Announcer: IT CAME FROM

[SCREAMS]
Announcer: IT CAME FROM
BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE

Announcer: IT CAME FROM
BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE
SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY

BEYOND THE GRAVE... A CREATURE
SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY
THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE!

SO RUDE, SO INCONSIDERATE, THEY
THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE!
I'M GONNA MAKE A

THOUGHT IT WOULD NEVER LEAVE!
I'M GONNA MAKE A
LONG-DISTANCE CALL, OKAY?

I'M GONNA MAKE A
LONG-DISTANCE CALL, OKAY?
[SCREAMS]

[SCREAMS]
Announcer: "THE THING THAT

Announcer: "THE THING THAT
WOULDN'T LEAVE"... YOU MAY NEVER

WOULDN'T LEAVE"... YOU MAY NEVER
HAVE GUESTS AGAIN!

IT MAY NEVER LEAVE.

[EERIE MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: VINCENT PRICE IS
DR. JEKYLL.

Announcer: VINCENT PRICE IS
DR. JEKYLL.
VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN

DR. JEKYLL.
VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN
MORE TERRIFYING.

VINCENT PRICE HAS NEVER BEEN
MORE TERRIFYING.
HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME

MORE TERRIFYING.
HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME
SLEEP.

HENRY, YOU MUST GET SOME
SLEEP.
DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO.

SLEEP.
DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO.
I CAN'T STOP NOW.

DON'T DRIVE YOURSELF SO.
I CAN'T STOP NOW.
NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE.

I CAN'T STOP NOW.
NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE.
HENRY, COME BACK TO THE

NOT WHEN I'M SO CLOSE.
HENRY, COME BACK TO THE
UNIVERSITY.

HENRY, COME BACK TO THE
UNIVERSITY.
THE UNIVERSITY?

UNIVERSITY.
THE UNIVERSITY?
WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY

THE UNIVERSITY?
WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY
EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A

WHERE THEY LAUGHED AT MY
EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A
MADMAN.

EXPERIMENTS AND CALLED ME A
MADMAN.
WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW!

MADMAN.
WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW!
HENRY, DON'T!

WE'LL SEE WHO'S MAD NOW!
HENRY, DON'T!
[SCREAMS]

HENRY, DON'T!
[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]

[SCREAMS]
[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL.

[LAUGHS MANIACALLY]
Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL.
A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST.

Announcer: DR. HENRY JEKYLL.
A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST.
BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS

A BRILLIANT SCIENTIST.
BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS
NEVER MEANT TO OPEN.

BUT THERE ARE SOME DOORS MAN WAS
NEVER MEANT TO OPEN.
VINCENT PRICE IS

NEVER MEANT TO OPEN.
VINCENT PRICE IS
DR. HENRY JEKYLL IN...

[INTRO TO "WON'T YOU BE MY
NEIGHBOR?" PLAYS]
♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN

[NEIGHBOR?" PLAYS]
♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A BEAUTIFUL DAY IN
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A

THIS NEIGHBORHOOD ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A
NEIGHBOR ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL DAY FOR A
NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS

♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS
BEAUTY WOOD ♪

♪ IT'S A NEIGHBORLY DAY IN THIS
BEAUTY WOOD ♪
♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪

BEAUTY WOOD ♪
♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ A NEIGHBORLY DAY FOR BEAUTY ♪
♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
HI, NEIGHBOR.

♪ COULD YOU BE MINE? ♪
HI, NEIGHBOR.
I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY.

HI, NEIGHBOR.
I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?

I'M GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER TODAY.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
THIS IS GUEST DAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS?
THIS IS GUEST DAY.
THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY.

THIS IS GUEST DAY.
THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY.
CAN YOU SAY THAT?

THAT'S RIGHT... GUEST DAY.
CAN YOU SAY THAT?
MM-HMM.

CAN YOU SAY THAT?
MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT YOU COULD.

MM-HMM.
I THOUGHT YOU COULD.
OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE

I THOUGHT YOU COULD.
OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE
GUEST... A BEAKER.

OVER HERE, WE'VE GOT OUR LITTLE
GUEST... A BEAKER.
[SCREAMS]

GUEST... A BEAKER.
[SCREAMS]
CAN YOU SAY THAT?

[SCREAMS]
CAN YOU SAY THAT?
Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND

CAN YOU SAY THAT?
Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND
MISTER ROGERS"!

Announcer: "DR. JEKYLL AND
MISTER ROGERS"!
JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF,

MISTER ROGERS"!
JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF,
"IT'S EDUCATIONAL!

JUST KEEP SAYING TO YOURSELF,
"IT'S EDUCATIONAL!
IT'S EDUCATIONAL!

"IT'S EDUCATIONAL!
IT'S EDUCATIONAL!
IT'S EDUCATIONAL!"

YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

MORE PORT, PICKERING?
[British accent] OH, DON'T
MIND IF I DO.

[British accent] OH, DON'T
MIND IF I DO.
HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS?

MIND IF I DO.
HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS?
DON'T EVER MENTION THAT

HIGGINS, HOW'S ELIZA THESE DAYS?
DON'T EVER MENTION THAT
UNGRATEFUL WRETCH

DON'T EVER MENTION THAT
UNGRATEFUL WRETCH
ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN.

UNGRATEFUL WRETCH
ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN.
AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW

ELIZA DOOLITTLE TO ME AGAIN.
AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW
DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?!

AFTER ALL I DID FOR HER, HOW
DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?!
PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE

DARE SHE GO AND MARRY FREDDY?!
PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE
MORE LIKE A MAN?

PICKERING, WHY CAN'T A WOMAN BE
MORE LIKE A MAN?
["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?"

MORE LIKE A MAN?
["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?"
PLAYS]

["WHY CAN'T THE ENGLISH?"
PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
I DON'T KNOW.

[MUSIC STOPS]
I DON'T KNOW.
ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER.

I DON'T KNOW.
ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER.
[Cockney accent] PROFESSOR

ME NEITHER, ME NEITHER.
[Cockney accent] PROFESSOR
HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO

[Cockney accent] PROFESSOR
HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO
SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND

HIGGINS, THERE'S A WOMAN HERE TO
SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD SHE'S SAYING.

SEE YOU, AND I CAN'T UNDERSTAND
A WORD SHE'S SAYING.
SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN.

A WORD SHE'S SAYING.
SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN.
SEND HER IN.

SHE'S PROBABLY AN AMERICAN.
SEND HER IN.
HEWWO.

SEND HER IN.
HEWWO.
I'M BABA WAWA FROM

HEWWO.
I'M BABA WAWA FROM
"BABA WAWA AT LARGE."

I'M BABA WAWA FROM
"BABA WAWA AT LARGE."
AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS,

"BABA WAWA AT LARGE."
AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS,
WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST.

AND YOU MUST HENWY HIGGINS,
WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST.
HOW DO YOU DO?

WORLD-WENOWNED WINGUIST.
HOW DO YOU DO?
COLONEL PICKERING.

HOW DO YOU DO?
COLONEL PICKERING.
HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO?

COLONEL PICKERING.
HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO?
OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH.

HOW DO... HOW DO YOU DO?
OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH.
WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY.

OH, PWEASED TO MEET YOU BOTH.
WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF

WHAT A WOVELY WIBRARY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF
WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON.

YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING OF
WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON.
NOTHING EWABORATE.

WENTING A FLAT MYSELF IN WONDON.
NOTHING EWABORATE.
ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE.

NOTHING EWABORATE.
ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE.
["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"

ALL I WANT IS A WOOM SOMEWHERE.
["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"
PLAYS]

["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"
PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE

[MUSIC STOPS]
LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE
THESE DAYS.

LODGINGS ARE VERY SCARCE
THESE DAYS.
WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH

THESE DAYS.
WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH
IMPEDIMENT.

WHAT AN EXTRAORDINARY SPEECH
IMPEDIMENT.
YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS.

IMPEDIMENT.
YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS.
COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE

YES, IT'S ATROCIOUS.
COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE
ENGLISH TONGUE.

COLD-BLOODED MURDER OF THE
ENGLISH TONGUE.
WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY

ENGLISH TONGUE.
WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY
PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD.

WOOK, I'M WELL AWARE THAT MY
PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD.
I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT

PWONUNCIATION IS A WITTLE WEIRD.
I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT
IT, WEALLY.

I TAKE A WOT OF WIBBING ABOUT
IT, WEALLY.
OUI, OUI.

IT, WEALLY.
OUI, OUI.
OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT.

OUI, OUI.
OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT.
NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY

OH, NO, THANKS, I JUST WENT.
NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY
I'M HERE.

NOW, WET ME EXPWAIN TO YOU WHY
I'M HERE.
UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES

I'M HERE.
UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES
SPEECH.

UNCANNY HOW SHE MANGLES
SPEECH.
SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH

SPEECH.
SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH
EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS.

SHE CONDEMNS HERSELF WITH
EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS.
UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT

EVERY SYLLABLE SHE UTTERS.
UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT
THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING

UH, YOU SEE, MY SUPEWIOR AT
THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING
COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL,

THE AMERICAN BWOADCASTING
COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL,
HE'S GETTING RID OF MY

COMPANY, WOON AWLEDGE... WELL,
HE'S GETTING RID OF MY
CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER,

HE'S GETTING RID OF MY
CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER,
WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD

CO-ANCHORPERSON, HAWWY WEASONER,
WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD
BECOME AS BIG AS

WHICH MEANS I, BABA WAWA, COULD
BECOME AS BIG AS
WALTER CWONKITE.

BECOME AS BIG AS
WALTER CWONKITE.
IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK

WALTER CWONKITE.
IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK
COWWECTLY!

IF I COULD ONLY WEARN TO TALK
COWWECTLY!
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

COWWECTLY!
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
[COUGHS]

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE.
[COUGHS]
I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON.

[COUGHS]
I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON.
DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN

I-I-I-I BEG YOUR PARDON.
DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN
AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU

DID YOU MEAN TO IMPLY THAT, IN
AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU
TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK?

AMERICA, THEY ACTUALLY ALLOW YOU
TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK?
ABSOWUTELY.

TO GO ON TELEVISION AND SPEAK?
ABSOWUTELY.
WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME.

ABSOWUTELY.
WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME.
THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS.

WHY, THEY ENCOUWAGE ME.
THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS.
OH.

THEY PAY ME A MILLION DOLLARS.
OH.
UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING,

OH.
UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING,
SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M

UM, YOU KNOW, PICKERING,
SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M
BEGINNING TO LIKE.

SOMETHING ABOUT HER I'M
BEGINNING TO LIKE.
WELL, IT WOULD BE A

BEGINNING TO LIKE.
WELL, IT WOULD BE A
CHALLENGE, OLD BOY.

WELL, IT WOULD BE A
CHALLENGE, OLD BOY.
OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE,

CHALLENGE, OLD BOY.
OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE,
PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK

OH, PWEASE, PWEASE, PWEASE,
PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK
PWOPEWLY?

PWEASE, CAN YOU TEACH ME TO TALK
PWOPEWLY?
I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF

PWOPEWLY?
I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF
HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE

I KNOW I CAN, WITH A LOT OF
HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE
CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF

HARD WORK AND SEVERAL LARGE
CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF
COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK.

CHECKS MADE OUT TO ME AND, OF
COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK.
[CHUCKLES]

COURSE, A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK.
[CHUCKLES]
["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK"

[CHUCKLES]
["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK"
PLAYS, STOPS]

["WITH A LITTLE BIT OF LUCK"
PLAYS, STOPS]
YOU CAN?!

[PLAYS, STOPS]
YOU CAN?!
OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY!

YOU CAN?!
OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY!
["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"

OH, WOULDN'T IT BE WOVERLY!
["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"
PLAYS]

["WOULDN'T IT BE LOVERLY"
PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[PLAYS]
[MUSIC STOPS]
YES, IT WOULD.

[MUSIC STOPS]
YES, IT WOULD.
NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN.

YES, IT WOULD.
NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN.
NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME.

NOW, LET'S... LET'S BEGIN.
NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME.
THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY

NOW, REPEAT AFTER ME.
THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY
IN THE PLAIN.

THE RAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINLY
IN THE PLAIN.
[CHUCKLES]

IN THE PLAIN.
[CHUCKLES]
THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY

[CHUCKLES]
THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY
IN THE PWAIN.

THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS MAINWY
IN THE PWAIN.
THIS COULD TAKE MONTHS.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, LET'S TRY IT
ONE MORE TIME.
[CLEARS THROAT]

ONE MORE TIME.
[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, ONCE AGAIN...

[CLEARS THROAT]
NOW, ONCE AGAIN...
WHERE DOES IT RAIN?

NOW, ONCE AGAIN...
WHERE DOES IT RAIN?
IN SPAIN.

WHERE DOES IT RAIN?
IN SPAIN.
IN SPAIN.

IN SPAIN.
IN SPAIN.
I THINK SHE'S GOT IT!

IN SPAIN.
I THINK SHE'S GOT IT!
AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN?

I THINK SHE'S GOT IT!
AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN?
♪ IN SPAIN! ♪

AND WHERE'S THE SOGGY PLAIN?
♪ IN SPAIN! ♪
♪ IN SPAIN! ♪

♪ IN SPAIN! ♪
♪ IN SPAIN! ♪
BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!

♪ IN SPAIN! ♪
BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!
♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS

BY GEORGE, SHE'S GOT IT!
♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS
MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪

♪ THE WAIN IN SPAIN STAYS
MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪
BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN

MAINWY IN THE PWAIN! ♪
BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN
CLOSE.

BY GEORGE, SHE'S NOT EVEN
CLOSE.
THIS... THIS COULD TAKE

CLOSE.
THIS... THIS COULD TAKE
YEARS.

[BREATHING HEAVILY]
WISTEN.
WISTEN, WISTEN.

WISTEN.
WISTEN, WISTEN.
I CAN SAY THIS.

WISTEN, WISTEN.
I CAN SAY THIS.
THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN

I CAN SAY THIS.
THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN
SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON

THE INSPAIN... THE INSANE IN
SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON
NOVACAIN.

SPAIN STAY MOST OF THE TIME ON
NOVACAIN.
Both: OH, SHUT UP!

NOVACAIN.
Both: OH, SHUT UP!
[SOBBING]

Both: OH, SHUT UP!
[SOBBING]
I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S

[SOBBING]
I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S
HOPEWESS.

I'M SOWWY, HENWY, BUT IT'S
HOPEWESS.
I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN

HOPEWESS.
I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN
TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO

I GUESS I WEALLY OUGHT TO WETURN
TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO
AMERICA.

TO BWOADCASTING, GO BACK TO
AMERICA.
NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND

AMERICA.
NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND
I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND.

NO, I'LL QUIT BWOADCASTING AND
I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND.
WHY, I COULD MAWWY

I'LL WOOK FOR A WICH HUSBAND.
WHY, I COULD MAWWY
FWEDDIE SILVERMAN.

WHY, I COULD MAWWY
FWEDDIE SILVERMAN.
MAWWY FWEDDIE?

FWEDDIE SILVERMAN.
MAWWY FWEDDIE?
WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA!

MAWWY FWEDDIE?
WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA!
OH, NO!

WHAT A WIDICULOUS IDEA!
OH, NO!
WISTEN TO YOU!

OH, NO!
WISTEN TO YOU!
WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT!

WISTEN TO YOU!
WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT!
I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER!

WHAT A WEVOLTING DEVEWOPMENT!
I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER!
I MIGHT AS WELL GO.

I'VE WUINED YOUR CAWEER!
I MIGHT AS WELL GO.
BABA!

I MIGHT AS WELL GO.
BABA!
DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS!

BABA!
DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS!
CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU?

DON'T WEAVE HENWY LIKE THIS!
CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU?
YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT.

CAN'T YOU SEE HE WOVES YOU?
YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT.
AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE

YES, PICKEWING'S WIGHT.
AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE
GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP.

AS STWANGE AS IT SOUNDS, I'VE
GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP.
[GASPS]

GROWN ACCUSTOMED TO YOUR WISP.
[GASPS]
BABA.

[GASPS]
BABA.
WHAT?

BABA.
WHAT?
FETCH ME MY SWIPPERS.

AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO
MEET...

GENTLEMEN, I WOULD LIKE YOU TO
MEET...
LOAF.

MEET...
LOAF.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

LOAF.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I BEG YOUR PARDON.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
I BEG YOUR PARDON.
WHAT?

I BEG YOUR PARDON.
WHAT?
OH.

WHAT?
OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.

OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
YES, OF COURSE.

OH, I'M SORRY.
YES, OF COURSE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF!

YES, OF COURSE.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, MEAT LOAF!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO" PLAYS]

["ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO" PLAYS]
♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY

[TO GO" PLAYS]
♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY
BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪

♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY
BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A

BOY LOOKING FOR SOMETHING NEW ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A
LONELY GIRL ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A
LONELY GIRL ♪
♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪

LONELY GIRL ♪
♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME

♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING ♪
♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME
TRUE ♪

♪ SOMETHING LIKE A DREAM COME
TRUE ♪
♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A

TRUE ♪
♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A
HELL OF A BLOCK ♪

♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A
HELL OF A BLOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I

HELL OF A BLOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I
MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I
MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪
♪ BUT ♪

MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪
♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

GO ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪

GO ♪
♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH ♪
♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A
STEAMING NIGHT ♪

♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A
STEAMING NIGHT ♪
♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪

STEAMING NIGHT ♪
♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪
♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A

♪ I'M TOSSING IN MY SLEEP ♪
♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A
RED-EYED DREAM ♪

♪ AND IN THE MIDDLE OF A
RED-EYED DREAM ♪
♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪

RED-EYED DREAM ♪
♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪
♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪

♪ I SEE YOU COMIN' ♪
♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL

♪ COMIN' ON TO GIVE IT TO ME ♪
♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL
DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪

♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL
DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪
♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A

DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪
♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A
LEADER OF THE PACK ♪

♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A
LEADER OF THE PACK ♪
♪ BUT ♪

LEADER OF THE PACK ♪
♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE

GO ♪
♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE
DARK OF THE FOREST ♪

♪ OH, BABY, I'M A HUNTER IN THE
DARK OF THE FOREST ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND

DARK OF THE FOREST ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND
TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN STALKING YOU AND
TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪
♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN

TRACKING YOU DOWN ♪
♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN
DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪

♪ CRUISING UP AND DOWN THE MAIN
DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪
♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE

DRAG ALL NIGHT LONG ♪
♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE
TOP OF THE WORLD ♪

♪ WE COULD BE STANDING AT THE
TOP OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER

TOP OF THE WORLD ♪
♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER
DOWN IN THE MUD ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF SINKING FURTHER
DOWN IN THE MUD ♪
♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT

DOWN IN THE MUD ♪
♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT
MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT
MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT

MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT
MIDNIGHT ♪

♪ YOU AND ME 'ROUND ABOUT
MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪

MIDNIGHT ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪
♪ DRAW FIRST ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST ♪
♪ DRAW FIRST ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST

♪ DRAW FIRST ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪
♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪

♪ SOMEONE'S GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪
♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪
♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪

♪ OOH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST

BLOOD ♪
♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪

♪ YEAH, I GOT TO DRAW FIRST
BLOOD ♪
[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ WELL, I WAS OUT ON THE PROWL
DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪
♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A

DOWN BY THE EDGE OF THE TRACK ♪
♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A
LEADER OF THE PACK ♪

♪ LIKE A SON OF A JACKAL, I'M A
LEADER OF THE PACK ♪
♪ BUT ♪

LEADER OF THE PACK ♪
♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

♪ BUT ♪
♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪

GO ♪
♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ DO YOU KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE? ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY

GO ♪
♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY
ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪

♪ I WAS NOTHING BUT A LONELY
ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪
♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO

ALL-AMERICAN BOY ♪
♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO
DO ♪

♪ LOOKING OUT FOR SOMETHING TO
DO ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A

DO ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A
LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE NOTHING BUT A
LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A

LONELY ALL-AMERICAN GIRL ♪
♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A
DREAM COME TRUE ♪

♪ BUT YOU WERE SOMETHING LIKE A
DREAM COME TRUE ♪
♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A

DREAM COME TRUE ♪
♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A
HELL OF A BLOCK ♪

♪ I WAS A VARSITY TACKLE AND A
HELL OF A BLOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I

HELL OF A BLOCK ♪
♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I
MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN I PLAYED MY GUITAR, I
MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪
♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪

MADE THE CANYON ROCK ♪
♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪

♪ BUT EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT ♪
♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

♪ I FELT THE FEVER GROW ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

TO GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO

GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE TO
GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE

GO ♪
♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO! ♪

♪ ALL REVVED UP WITH NO PLACE
TO GO! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAVID BRENNER LOOKS BACK.
THIS STORY AND MORE ON
"WEEKEND UPDATE"... COMING UP.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH THE
"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA,

"WEEKEND UPDATE" NEWS TEAM.
BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA,
THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION.

BROUGHT TO YOU BY AQUA VELVEETA,
THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION.
AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS

THE MAN'S AFTER-CHEESE LOTION.
AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.

AND NOW HERE ARE ANCHORPERSONS
DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.

DAN AYKROYD AND JANE CURTIN.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M DA NAYKROYD.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M DA NAYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M

I'M DA NAYKROYD.
AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M
WEARING A NEW SUIT.

AND I'M JANE CURTIN, AND I'M
WEARING A NEW SUIT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

WEARING A NEW SUIT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE
NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE

HAMILTON JORDAN WAS BACK IN THE
NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE
TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON

NEWS AGAIN THIS WEEK WHEN HE
TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON
RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS

TRIED TO LEAVE A WASHINGTON
RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS
CHECK.

RESTAURANT WITHOUT PAYING HIS
CHECK.
THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE

CHECK.
THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE
EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS

THE FUN-LOVING WHITE HOUSE AIDE
EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS
WALLET.

EXPLAINED HE HAD FORGOTTEN HIS
WALLET.
IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS

WALLET.
IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS
BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT

IN THE MIDDLE EAST, ISRAEL HAS
BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT
SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN

BEEN UNDER CRITICISM FOR WHAT
SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN
EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN

SOME PEOPLE CONSIDER AN
EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN
LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST

EXCESSIVE SHOW OF FORCE IN
LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST
WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK.

LEBANON IN RESPONSE TO LAST
WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK.
FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN

WEEK'S P.L.O. TERRORIST ATTACK.
FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING

FOREIGN MINISTER MOSHE DAYAN
DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING
THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN

DEFENDED THE INVASION, CITING
THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN
EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A

THAT THE BIBLICAL SHIBBOLETH "AN
EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A
TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S

EYE FOR AN EYE, A TOOTH FOR A
TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S
POLICY.

TOOTH" HAS ALWAYS BEEN ISRAEL'S
POLICY.
WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O.

POLICY.
WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O.
TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD

WELL, LAST NIGHT, A P.L.O.
TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD
AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM

TERRORIST TOOK HIM AT HIS WORD
AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM
AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN

AND SNUCK INTO DAYAN'S BEDROOM
AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN
MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS.

AND PULLED ONE OF THE FOREIGN
MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS.
STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF

MINISTER'S BICUSPIDS.
STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF
COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS

STATE SENATOR LORI WILSON OF
COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS
INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY

COCOA BEACH, FLORIDA, HAS
INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY
TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES.

INTRODUCED A BILL OUTLAWING PAY
TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES.
MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST

TOILETS IN PUBLIC PLACES.
MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST
BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC

MS. WILSON CALLED THEM THE MOST
BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC
DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS

BASIC FORM OF ECONOMIC
DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS
HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN.

DISCRIMINATION, WHICH HITS
HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN.
AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER

HARDEST AT WOMEN AND CHILDREN.
AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER
HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS

AS SHE PUTS IT, "I HAVE NEVER
HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS
OR ANY OTHER STATE."

HEARD OF A PAY URINAL IN THIS
OR ANY OTHER STATE."
OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US

OR ANY OTHER STATE."
OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US
THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF

OUR "UPDATE" SOURCES TELL US
THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF
PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR

THAT, WHILE THE INSTALLATION OF
PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR
PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL

PAY URINALS DOESN'T APPEAR
PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL
SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING

PLAUSIBLE, MS. WILSON WILL
SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING
FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH

SETTLE FOR A COMPROMISE, CALLING
FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH
PAY ZIPPERS.

FOR TROUSERS TO BE EQUIPPED WITH
PAY ZIPPERS.
COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR

PAY ZIPPERS.
COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR
BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER

COMEDIAN BILL COSBY, OPERA STAR
BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER
JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A.

BEVERLY SILLS, COUNTRY SINGER
JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A.
ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT

JOHNNY CASH, AND L.A.
ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT
TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A

ANCHORPERSON CONNIE CHUNG GOT
TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A
NEW SINGING GROUP.

TOGETHER THIS WEEK AND FORMED A
NEW SINGING GROUP.
HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A

NEW SINGING GROUP.
HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A
NAME FOR THE ACT.

HOWEVER, THEY CAN'T THINK OF A
NAME FOR THE ACT.
IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND

NAME FOR THE ACT.
IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND
IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND

IF YOU HAVE A SUGGESTION, SEND
IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND
CHUNG, IN CARE OF

IT TO "COSBY, SILLS, CASH, AND
CHUNG, IN CARE OF
'WEEKEND UPDATE.'"

CHUNG, IN CARE OF
'WEEKEND UPDATE.'"
WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS

'WEEKEND UPDATE.'"
WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS
TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER

WELL, NOSTALGIA STILL APPEARS
TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER
THIS SEASON.

TO BE DOMINATING THE THEATER
THIS SEASON.
THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON

THIS SEASON.
THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON
BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED

THE MOST POPULAR NEW SHOW ON
BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED
"BEATLEMANIA MANIA"...

BROADWAY IS A PRODUCTION CALLED
"BEATLEMANIA MANIA"...
A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL

"BEATLEMANIA MANIA"...
A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL
RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES

A RECREATION OF THE ORIGINAL
RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES
EXPERIENCE.

RIP OFF OF THE BEATLES
EXPERIENCE.
SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT

EXPERIENCE.
SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT
BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE

SAY ITS PRODUCERS, "IT'S NOT
BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE
SIMULATION."

BEATLEMANIA, BUT AN INCREDIBLE
SIMULATION."
THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE

SIMULATION."
THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE
UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST

THIS WEEK, A SUPERTANKER BROKE
UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST
IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL

UP OFF FRANCE'S BRITTANY COAST
IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL
SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE

IN WHAT IS NOW THE WORST OIL
SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE
COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE

SPILL IN HISTORY, POLLUTING THE
COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE
LIFE.

COASTLINE AND KILLING MARINE
LIFE.
OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR

LIFE.
OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR
PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO

OIL SPILLS ARE AN ALMOST REGULAR
PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO
HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS

PHENOMENON ON THIS PLANET, SO
HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS
OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN

HERE WITH AN IN-DEPTH ANALYSIS
OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN
KEVIN SCOTT.

OF THE PROBLEM IS "UPDATE'S" OWN
KEVIN SCOTT.
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

KEVIN SCOTT.
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
KEVIN SCOTT.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
KEVIN SCOTT.
KEVIN?

KEVIN SCOTT.
KEVIN?
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

KEVIN?
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
KEVIN.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
KEVIN.
JOHN!

KEVIN.
JOHN!
YEAH, YEAH.

JOHN!
YEAH, YEAH.
DO YOUR THING.

YEAH, YEAH.
DO YOUR THING.
OH, RIGHT, YEAH.

DO YOUR THING.
OH, RIGHT, YEAH.
THANKS, DAN.

OH, RIGHT, YEAH.
THANKS, DAN.
YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK

THANKS, DAN.
YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK
ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE

YOU KNOW, THIS WEEK'S WRECK
ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE
NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS.

ILLUSTRATES PROBLEMS WITH THE
NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY

NEW GENERATION OF GIANT TANKERS.
FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY
MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY

FIRST OF ALL, THEY'RE NOT EASILY
MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY
DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF

MANEUVERABLE, MAKING IT VERY
DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF
THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING

DIFFICULT TO STEER, AND A LOT OF
THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING
BACK AND F...

THEM HAVE PROBLEMS WITH SWAYING
BACK AND F...
I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY.

BACK AND F...
I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY.
WHOOPS, SORRY.

I'M SORRY, DAN. I'M SORRY.
WHOOPS, SORRY.
SWAYING BACK AND FORTH.

WHOOPS, SORRY.
SWAYING BACK AND FORTH.
AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE

SWAYING BACK AND FORTH.
AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE
STEERING OF THESE.

AND THEY HAVE PROBLEMS IN THE
STEERING OF THESE.
NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE

STEERING OF THESE.
NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE
TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE...

NOW, IF YOU LOOK AT THESE
TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE...
OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY.

TANKERS, YOU'LL SEE...
OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY.
DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, GEEZ, I'M SORRY.
DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
GOOD MAN.

DAN, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
GOOD MAN.
COME ON, COME HERE.

GOOD MAN.
COME ON, COME HERE.
UH...

COME ON, COME HERE.
UH...
[LAUGHS]

UH...
[LAUGHS]
HEY, OKAY, DAN.

[LAUGHS]
HEY, OKAY, DAN.
THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF

HEY, OKAY, DAN.
THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF
THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU

THE SITUATION IS AGGRAVATED IF
THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU
UNDERSTAND?

THE SHIP HAS LOST POWER, YOU
UNDERSTAND?
OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS

UNDERSTAND?
OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS
LENGTH.

OKAY, FURTHER... ENORMOUS
LENGTH.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.

LENGTH.
TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I

TAKE A LOOK AT THIS.
ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?

ENORMOUS LENGTH, YOU KNOW WHAT I
MEAN?
IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE

MEAN?
IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE
HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE

IT'S THE METAL PLATES AT THE
HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE
PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON

HULL, YOU KNOW, UNDER GREAT MORE
PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON
THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND

PRESSURE IF THE SHIP FLEXES ON
THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND
FORTH.

THE POUNDING SEAS, BACK AND
FORTH.
YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND

FORTH.
YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND
ONE OF THESE, DAN...

YOU KNOW, SO IF YOU'RE AROUND
ONE OF THESE, DAN...
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]

ONE OF THESE, DAN...
[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF.

[IMITATING EXPLOSIONS]
THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF.
YOU NEVER KNOW.

THEY MIGHT BREAK IN HALF.
YOU NEVER KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN

YOU NEVER KNOW.
YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN
OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET...

YOU KNOW, IT'S GOOD TO WEAR AN
OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET...
IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH,

OLD SUIT 'CAUSE YOU COULD GET...
IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH,
DANNY?

IT COULD GET PRETTY MESSY, HUH,
DANNY?
HEY, PAL.

DANNY?
HEY, PAL.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

HEY, PAL.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION

BACK TO YOU, JANE.
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMPION
LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS
ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG

LEON SPINKS THIS WEEK WAS
ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG
WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR

ARRESTED FOR DRIVING THE WRONG
WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR
DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED

WAY ON A ONE-WAY STREET AND FOR
DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED
FOR BACK RENT BY HIS

DRIVING WITHOUT A LICENSE, SUED
FOR BACK RENT BY HIS
PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND

FOR BACK RENT BY HIS
PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND
STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE

PHILADELPHIA LANDLORD AND
STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE
WORLD BOXING COUNCIL.

STRIPPED OF HIS TITLE BY THE
WORLD BOXING COUNCIL.
REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS

WORLD BOXING COUNCIL.
REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS
SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY

REACHED FOR COMMENT, SPINKS
SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY
GOOD LOOKS."

SAID, "AT LEAST I STILL HAVE MY
GOOD LOOKS."
IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID

GOOD LOOKS."
IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID
HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME

IN A RELATED STORY, SPINKS SAID
HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME
THIS SUMMER.

HE WOULD FIGHT NORTON SOMETIME
THIS SUMMER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THIS SUMMER.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA
EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST

THE WRITERS GUILD OF AMERICA
EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST
THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S

EAST HAS CALLED A STRIKE AGAINST
THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S
EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM

THE POPULAR CHILDREN'S
EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM
"SESAME STREET."

EDUCATIONAL PROGRAM
"SESAME STREET."
NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN

"SESAME STREET."
NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN
AND I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT

NOW, FOR OUR YOUNG VIEWERS, DAN
AND I WOULD LIKE TO EXPLAIN WHAT
IS MEANT BY A STRIKE.

FIRST, THE COMPLAINT IS

CALLED "UN..."

"FAIR."

Both: "UNFAIR."

AND THE DEMONSTRATION

FOLLOWING THE COMPLAINT IS

CALLED "PIC..."

"KET."

Both: "PICKET."

AND A PERSON WHO CROSSES A

PICKET LINE IS CALLED A "SC..."

"AB."

Both: "SCAB."

NOW, LET'S REVIEW WHAT WE

JUST LEARNED.

PICKET.
SCAB.
DON'T.

SCAB.
DON'T.
IT MIGHT GET INFECTED.

DON'T.
IT MIGHT GET INFECTED.
[LAUGHTER]

IT MIGHT GET INFECTED.
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT,

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT,
CHILDREN.

THAT'S THE LESSON FOR TONIGHT,
CHILDREN.
NOW GO TO BED.

CHILDREN.
NOW GO TO BED.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE

NOW GO TO BED.
AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE
NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL

AND NOW, WITH THIS WEEK'S MOVIE
NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL
HIMSELF, BILL MURRAY.

NEWS, HERE IS THE PARTY ANIMAL
HIMSELF, BILL MURRAY.
THANK YOU, JANE.

WELL, THE OSCARS ARE COMING UP

APRIL 3rd, AND HERE ARE MY

PREDICTIONS, EVERYBODY.

FOR BEST ACTRESS,

SHIRLEY MacLAINE AND

ANNE BANCROFT WERE BOTH

NOMINATED FOR

"THE TURNING POINT," AND GIVEN

THE BLOC VOTING THAT GOES ON AT

THE HOLLYWOOD STUDIOS, THEIR

VOTES ARE PROBABLY GONNA BE

SPLIT, AND THESE TWO STARS WILL

HAVE TO GO HOME CRUSHED AND

DEFEATED.

OUCH, HUH?

JANE FONDA?

WELL, JANE IS GONNA WIN NEXT

YEAR, I THINK, FOR

"COMING HOME," SO CHIN UP,

LITTLE GIRL.

SAVE YOU MONEY FOR NEXT YEAR'S

DRESS, HUH?

BUT NO BITTERNESS, JANIE,

PLEASE.

THANK YOU.

MARSHA MASON... MARSHA IS

NEIL SIMON'S WIFE, AND NEIL

WROTE "GOODBYE GIRL" JUST TO GET

HER OUT OF THE HOUSE, I THINK,

AND I DON'T THINK THAT THE

ACADEMY WILL BOTHER TO HONOR THE

SIMONS SO LONG AS THEIR MARRIAGE

IS WORKING.

LET'S FACE IT, IT'S ONE OF THE

MOST SUCCESSFUL MARRIAGES IN

HOLLYWOOD.

HEY, HERE'S TO YOU TWO.

I MEAN IT.

DIANE KEATON?

WELL, EVERYBODY'S BEEN IN LOVE

WITH YOU SINCE "GODFATHER II,"

HONEY, AND NOW WE'VE GOT A

CHANCE TO SHOW YOU HOW WE FEEL.

I THINK YOU'VE GOT IT IN THE

BAG, SO JUST REMEMBER... BE

YOURSELF AND DON'T LET THAT

PRETTY LITTLE HEAD SWELL, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.

BEST ACTOR... JOHN TRAVOLTA.

TV ACTOR?

UNH-UNH, NO WAY, NO WAY.

IF HE THINK HE'S GONNA HOLD THAT

PRECIOUS PIECE OF GOLD OVER HIS

HEAD AND WAVE TO ALL THE PEOPLE

WHO HELPED... AND THERE WERE SO

MANY PEOPLE... HE'S CRAZY.

IT'LL BE OVER THE DEAD, STIFF,

AND LIFELESS BODIES OF THE

MEMBERS OF THE ACADEMY.

BESIDES, JOHN WAS SCHEDULED TO

DO OUR SHOW AND BACKED OUT,

CANCELED AT THE LAST MINUTE, SO

THIS LITTLE WEASEL CAN GO TO

BRAZIL AND MAKE MOVIES FOR ALL I

CARE.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

WOODY ALLEN?

THE WOOD MAN, SO MUCH MORE THAN

AN ACTOR IT'S NOT EVEN FUNNY.

THAT'S WHY I DON'T THINK HE'S

GONNA GET THIS ONE.

BUT THE ACADEMY MUST HONOR HIM

IN SOME WAY.

AND I THINK IT'S GONNA BE THE

IRVING THALBERG AWARD FOR

MERITORIOUS SERVICE TO THE

INDUSTRY.

AND HE DESERVES IT, TOO.

RICHARD DREYFUSS?

HE'S TOO YOUNG.

THAT'S ALL.

I HEAR HE'S ALSO CARELESS WITH

HIS OWN PERSONAL APPEARANCE, AND

THE ACADEMY DOESN'T LIKE THAT,

EITHER.

NOT THIS YEAR, RICK.

SORRY.

NICE WORK IN "CLOSE," THOUGH.

MASTROIANNI?

HE'S FOREIGN.

PEOPLE DON'T LIKE FOREIGNERS.

CHEVALIER NEVER WON AN OSCAR, AM

I RIGHT?

OKAY.

RICHARD BURTON.

I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING...

FOREIGNER.

BUT UNH-UNH.

FICKLE ACADEMY THIS YEAR.

I THINK THEY'LL GIVE IT TO DICK

TO MAKE UP FOR LOSING

LIZ TAYLOR.

WHEN HE LOST LIZ, HE LOST

EVERYTHING.

BEST SUPPORTING ACTRESS AND

ACTORS...

WHO CARES, REALLY, HUH?

[LAUGHTER]

BEST FILM?

WELL, "JULIA"?

DIDN'T SEE IT, SORRY.

"TURNING POINT"?

I DIDN'T SEE IT.

"STAR WARS"?

I SAW IT ON A SMALL SCREEN IN

CANADA, SO I REALLY DON'T KNOW

WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

"ANNIE HALL"... I DID NOT SEE

IT.

"GOODBYE GIRL"... SAW IT.

SO, ON THE BASIS OF WHAT I WOULD

HAVE SEEN, I WOULD SAY THAT

"GOODBYE GIRL" IS GOING TO BE

THIS YEAR'S WINNER.

TELL IDA I'M SORRY.
THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.

THAT'S THE WAY I FEEL.
I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE
OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT

LET ME THROW IT BACK TO A FUTURE
OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT
LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL

OSCAR WINNER AND A GIRL WHO'S AT
LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL
HERSELF... JANE CURTIN.

LEAST HALF A PARTY ANIMAL
HERSELF... JANE CURTIN.
GET OUT OF HERE, JANE.

HERSELF... JANE CURTIN.
GET OUT OF HERE, JANE.
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.

GET OUT OF HERE, JANE.
YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
THANK YOU, BILL.

YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
THANK YOU, BILL.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW

THANK YOU, BILL.
AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE.

AND NOW IT'S TIME FOR A NEW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE.
DAN?

"WEEKEND UPDATE" FEATURE.
DAN?
YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE

DAN?
YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE
TOPIC OF WHETHER A

YES, TONIGHT, WE'LL TREAT THE
TOPIC OF WHETHER A
POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS

TOPIC OF WHETHER A
POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS
ANY POINT.

POINT-COUNTERPOINT SEGMENT HAS
ANY POINT.
HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT

ANY POINT.
HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT
COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE

HERE'S JANE WITH THE ANTI-POINT
COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE
TAKING THE PRO POINT

COUNTERPOINT POINT, AND I'LL BE
TAKING THE PRO POINT
COUNTERPOINT.

TAKING THE PRO POINT
COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?

COUNTERPOINT.
JANE?
DAN, THESE

JANE?
DAN, THESE
POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING

DAN, THESE
POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING
A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL

POINT-COUNTERPOINTS ARE GETTING
A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL
YOUR FAULT.

A LITTLE ABSURD, AND IT'S ALL
YOUR FAULT.
IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I

YOUR FAULT.
IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I
SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME.

IT SEEMS THAT NO MATTER WHAT I
SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME.
IF I CAME OUT FOR THE

SAY, YOU'LL DISAGREE WITH ME.
IF I CAME OUT FOR THE
IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D

IF I CAME OUT FOR THE
IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D
SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO."

IMPRISONMENT FOR MURDERS, YOU'D
SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO."
YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN...

SAY, "NO, LET 'EM GO."
YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN...
OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY.

YOU'RE A POMPOUS ASS, DAN...
OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY.
I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER

OBNOXIOUS, ARROGANT, AND SNOTTY.
I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER
WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN.

I DON'T LIKE YOU, AND I NEVER
WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN.
I HOPE I MADE MY POINT.

WILL, SO SIT ON THIS, DAN.
I HOPE I MADE MY POINT.
JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.

I HOPE I MADE MY POINT.
JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE

JANE, YOU IGNORANT SLUT.
I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE
WITH YOU.

I DON'T AUTOMATICALLY DISAGREE
WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS

WITH YOU.
IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS
TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY

IT'S JUST THAT YOU ALWAYS
TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY
ISSUE.

TAKE THE ASININE SIDE OF ANY
ISSUE.
AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY

ISSUE.
AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY
SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP.

AS FOR MURDERERS, JANE, THEY
SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP.
THEY SHOULD BE KILLED.

SHOULDN'T BE LOCKED UP.
THEY SHOULD BE KILLED.
ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY

THEY SHOULD BE KILLED.
ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY
HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM.

ANYONE WHO SAYS OTHERWISE SIMPLY
HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM.
AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME,

HAS A GERANIUM IN THE CRANIUM.
AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME,
JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED.

AS FOR YOUR ASSESSMENT OF ME,
JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED.
POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED

JANE, FRANKLY, I'M SURPRISED.
POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE

POINT-COUNTERPOINT IS SUPPOSED
TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE
OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN

TO BE A FORUM FOR THE EXCHANGE
OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN
CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.

OF IDEAS, NOT AN EXERCISE IN
CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.
WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET

CHARACTER ASSASSINATION.
WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET
THIS JOB, ANYWAY?

WHO DID YOU SLEEP WITH TO GET
THIS JOB, ANYWAY?
[LAUGHTER]

THIS JOB, ANYWAY?
[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE NEWS.

[LAUGHTER]
THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"

TOMORROW.
Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY

Announcer: "WEEKEND UPDATE"
IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA

IS A PRESENTATION OF SATURDAY
NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A

NIGHT NEWS... KEEPING AMERICA
INFORMED FOR OVER 1/50 OF A
CENTURY.

YOUR FATHER AND I WILL GET
YOU ANOTHER DOG RIGHT AWAY,
HONEY.

YOU ANOTHER DOG RIGHT AWAY,
HONEY.
WE PROMISE.

HONEY.
WE PROMISE.
[High-pitched voice] I

WE PROMISE.
[High-pitched voice] I
DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG.

[High-pitched voice] I
DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG.
I WANT TIPPY.

DON'T WANT ANOTHER DOG.
I WANT TIPPY.
WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE?

I WANT TIPPY.
WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE?
HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE

WHY DID TIPPY HAVE TO DIE?
HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE
PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN

HONEY, DOGS DIE JUST LIKE
PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN
GRANDPA DIED.

PEOPLE DO, JUST LIKE WHEN
GRANDPA DIED.
YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO

GRANDPA DIED.
YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO
SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB?

YOU MEAN GRANDPA ALSO
SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB?
WELL, NO, NOT...

SWALLOWED A DOORKNOB?
WELL, NO, NOT...
NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY.

WELL, NO, NOT...
NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW

NO, BUT DON'T WORRY, HONEY.
TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW
DOG.

TOMORROW WE'LL PICK OUT A NEW
DOG.
CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"?

DOG.
CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"?
OF COURSE YOU CAN.

CAN I NAME HIM "TIPPY"?
OF COURSE YOU CAN.
WELL...

OF COURSE YOU CAN.
WELL...
GOOD.

WELL...
GOOD.
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A

GOOD.
NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A
GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE

NOW CLOSE YOUR EYES AND GET A
GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE
YOU TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT'S SLEEP, AND I'LL SEE
YOU TOMORROW.
GOOD NIGHT, MOM.

NOW I LAY ME DOWN TO SLEEP.
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,

I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO KEEP.
IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.

IF I SHOULD DIE BEFORE I WAKE,
I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.
GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY

I PRAY THE LORD MY SOUL TO TAKE.
GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY
BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD

GOD BLESS MOMMY AND DADDY AND MY
BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD
DOG TIPPY.

BEST FRIEND KAREN AND MY DEAD
DOG TIPPY.
AMEN.

DOG TIPPY.
AMEN.
THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY.

AMEN.
THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY.
[Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE

THAT'S VERY NICE, PENNY.
[Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE
YOU?

[Chuckling] HEY, WHO ARE
YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?

YOU?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM?
I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I
CAME TO APOLOGIZE.

I'M SORRY ABOUT TIPPY, AND I
CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY

CAME TO APOLOGIZE.
ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY
DIE?

ARE THE MAN WHO MADE TIPPY
DIE?
WELL, SORT OF.

DIE?
WELL, SORT OF.
TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST.

WELL, SORT OF.
TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST.
WHAT LIST?

TIPPY WAS ON MY LIST.
WHAT LIST?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

WHAT LIST?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO
ANGRY AT ME.

OH, PLEASE, DON'T GET TOO
ANGRY AT ME.
EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF

ANGRY AT ME.
EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF
LIVES THAT HAVE TO END.

EVERY DAY I'M GIVEN THE LIST OF
LIVES THAT HAVE TO END.
IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE

LIVES THAT HAVE TO END.
IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE
WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING.

IT'S NOT THE GREATEST JOB IN THE
WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING.
BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY!

WORLD, BUT IT'S A LIVING.
BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY!
AND THAT'S BAD!

BUT YOU KILLED TIPPY!
AND THAT'S BAD!
'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE

AND THAT'S BAD!
'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE
LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...

'CAUSE IN SUNDAY SCHOOL, WE
LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...
THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT

LEARNED THE 10 COMMANDMENTS...
THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT
NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER

THOU SHALT NOT KILL, THOU SHALT
NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER
UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU

NOT STEAL, THOU SHALT NOT COVER
UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU
SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS,

UP THY NEIGHBOR'S WIFE, THOU
SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS,
THOU SHALT NOT...

SHALT NOT WITNESS FALSE BEARS,
THOU SHALT NOT...
YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY

THOU SHALT NOT...
YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, PENNY.

YES, YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY
RIGHT, PENNY.
YOU ARE RIGHT.

RIGHT, PENNY.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND,

YOU ARE RIGHT.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND,
WELL, I-I DON'T KILL.

YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO KILL, AND,
WELL, I-I DON'T KILL.
WHAT DO YOU DO?

WELL, I-I DON'T KILL.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN,

WHAT DO YOU DO?
WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN,
MR. LIFE IS THERE.

WELL, WHEN YOU ARE BORN,
MR. LIFE IS THERE.
AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH

MR. LIFE IS THERE.
AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH
TAKES OVER.

AND WHEN YOU DIE, MR. DEATH
TAKES OVER.
YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH.

TAKES OVER.
YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH.
YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY.

YOU'RE MEAN, MR. DEATH.
YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY.
WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT,

YOU MAKE PEOPLE CRY.
WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT,
PENNY.

WELL, I CAN'T HELP THAT,
PENNY.
I'M... INEVITABLE.

PENNY.
I'M... INEVITABLE.
EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE.

I'M... INEVITABLE.
EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE.
PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS.

EVERYTHING HAS TO DIE.
PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS.
WHAT ABOUT ROCKS?

PEOPLE... ANIMALS... FLOWERS.
WHAT ABOUT ROCKS?
ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO

WHAT ABOUT ROCKS?
ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO
THEY CAN'T DIE.

ROCKS WERE NEVER ALIVE, SO
THEY CAN'T DIE.
WHAT ABOUT DOLLS?

THEY CAN'T DIE.
WHAT ABOUT DOLLS?
SAME THING.

WHAT ABOUT DOLLS?
SAME THING.
ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY

SAME THING.
ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY
DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT

ONCE, TIPPY ATE OFF ONE OF MY
DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT
HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE

DOLL'S HEADS, AND I YELLED AT
HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE
NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE

HIM, AND I HIT HIM WITH THE
NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE
COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I

NEWSPAPER, AND HE HID UNDER THE
COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I
CAN'T TELL HIM.

COUCH, AND NOW I'M SORRY, AND I
CAN'T TELL HIM.
'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.

CAN'T TELL HIM.
'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.
AND I HATE YOU!

'CAUSE HE'S NOT HERE ANYMORE.
AND I HATE YOU!
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE

AND I HATE YOU!
WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
KENNY TUCKMAN?

WHY DON'T YOU TAKE
KENNY TUCKMAN?
HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND

KENNY TUCKMAN?
HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND
POKES ME.

HE SITS BEHIND ME IN SCHOOL AND
POKES ME.
TUCKMAN?

POKES ME.
TUCKMAN?
TUCKMAN.

TUCKMAN?
TUCKMAN.
NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST

TUCKMAN.
NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST
FOR QUITE A WHILE.

NO, I DON'T SEE HIM ON MY LIST
FOR QUITE A WHILE.
I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND

FOR QUITE A WHILE.
I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND
NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT.

I WISH THAT RICHARD HARRIS AND
NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT.
CAN I SEE THAT?

NICK NOLTE WERE ON IT.
CAN I SEE THAT?
OH, NO, NO, NO.

CAN I SEE THAT?
OH, NO, NO, NO.
NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE.

OH, NO, NO, NO.
NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE.
I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION

NO, PENNY, THAT'S VERY PRIVATE.
I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION
THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION

I'LL BET YOU KILLED A MILLION
THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION
PEOPLE.

THOUSAND SKILLION TRILLION
PEOPLE.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF

PEOPLE.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF
"KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW IF
"KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD.
BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST.

"KILLED" IS THE RIGHT WORD.
BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST.
MY GRANDPA?

BUT I HAVE GOT A BIG LIST.
MY GRANDPA?
YES.

MY GRANDPA?
YES.
SENATOR HUMPHREY?

YES.
SENATOR HUMPHREY?
YES.

SENATOR HUMPHREY?
YES.
JESUS?

YES.
JESUS?
NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT.

JESUS?
NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT.
DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME?

NO, THE ROMANS DID THAT.
DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME?
NO.

DID YOU COME HERE TO GET ME?
NO.
ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK...

NO.
ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK...
DIED.

ONCE, I HAD A BABY CHICK...
DIED.
LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG...

DIED.
LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG...
DIED.

LAST SUMMER, I CAUGHT A FROG...
DIED.
THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED.

DIED.
THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED.
GOLDFISH... DIED.

THEN I HAD A HAMSTER... DIED.
GOLDFISH... DIED.
TURTLE... DIED.

GOLDFISH... DIED.
TURTLE... DIED.
SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS!

TURTLE... DIED.
SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS!
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT.

SO I HATE SMALL ANIMALS!
YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT.
THAT'S TERRIBLE!

YOU CAN'T BLAME ME FOR THAT.
THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE

THAT'S TERRIBLE!
I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE
TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY.

I TOLD YOU, I JUST CAME HERE
TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER

TO APOLOGIZE ABOUT TIPPY.
IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER
APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE.

IT'S THE FIRST TIME I'VE EVER
APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE.
I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS.

APOLOGIZED TO ANYONE.
I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS.
DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME,

I'M... I'M NOT USED TO THIS.
DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME,
PLEASE.

DON'T MAKE IT ANY HARDER FOR ME,
PLEASE.
DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK?

PLEASE.
DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK?
YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY!

DO YOU MIND IF I HAVE A DRINK?
YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY!
AREN'T YOU?

YOU'RE DRINKING WHISKEY!
AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT,

AREN'T YOU?
YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT,
SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY DAD DOES THAT,
SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE
MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO

SOMETIMES HE FEELS SO BAD IN THE
MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO
WORK.

MORNING HE CAN'T EVEN GO TO
WORK.
WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO

WORK.
WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO
GO TO WORK.

WELL, I WISH I DIDN'T HAVE TO
GO TO WORK.
YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE

GO TO WORK.
YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE
GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY?

YOU THINK I LIKE MAKING LITTLE
GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY?
OH, MR. DEATH...

GIRLS LIKE YOU CRY?
OH, MR. DEATH...
I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE.

OH, MR. DEATH...
I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE.
DIDN'T WORK OUT.

I WANTED TO BE MOTHER NATURE.
DIDN'T WORK OUT.
I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM

DIDN'T WORK OUT.
I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM
MARGARINE.

I COULDN'T TELL BUTTER FROM
MARGARINE.
SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND

MARGARINE.
SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND
I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.

SO I WENT INTO THIS FIELD, AND
I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.
BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T

I'M QUITE SUCCESSFUL AT IT.
BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T
HELP AT ALL.

BUT ALL THE RECOGNITION DOESN'T
HELP AT ALL.
POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS,

HELP AT ALL.
POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS,
PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL

POETS, NOVELISTS, PLAYWRIGHTS,
PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL
WRITTEN ABOUT ME.

PHILOSOPHERS... THEY'VE ALL
WRITTEN ABOUT ME.
INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL

WRITTEN ABOUT ME.
INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL
NEVER UNDERSTAND.

INGMAR BERGMAN MAKES MOVIES I'LL
NEVER UNDERSTAND.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME

NEVER UNDERSTAND.
WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME
FOR WHAT I AM.

WHY DON'T THEY JUST ACCEPT ME
FOR WHAT I AM.
I'M JUST A MAN...

FOR WHAT I AM.
I'M JUST A MAN...
WITH A JOB TO DO.

I'M JUST A MAN...
WITH A JOB TO DO.
SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.

WITH A JOB TO DO.
SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.
WELL, I'M OFF.

SOMEONE HAS TO DO IT.
WELL, I'M OFF.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW,

WELL, I'M OFF.
WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW,
MR. DEATH?

WHERE ARE YOU GOING NOW,
MR. DEATH?
I'M GOING TO LEBANON.

MR. DEATH?
I'M GOING TO LEBANON.
I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO

I'M GOING TO LEBANON.
I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO
THERE.

I HAVE SOME MOPPING UP TO DO
THERE.
WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY

THERE.
WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY
ABOUT TIPPY?

WELL, ARE YOU REALLY SORRY
ABOUT TIPPY?
YES, I AM.

ABOUT TIPPY?
YES, I AM.
WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU.

YES, I AM.
WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU.
THANK YOU, PENNY.

WELL, I GUESS I FORGIVE YOU.
THANK YOU, PENNY.
MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE

THANK YOU, PENNY.
MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE
TIPPY AGAIN?

MR. DEATH, WILL I EVER SEE
TIPPY AGAIN?
SOMEDAY.

TIPPY AGAIN?
SOMEDAY.
SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM,

SOMEDAY.
SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM,
BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG

SOMEDAY I'LL TAKE YOU TO HIM,
BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG
TIME.

BUT THAT WON'T BE FOR A LONG
TIME.
WHEN?

TIME.
WHEN?
I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON

WHEN?
I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON
YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY!

I'LL COME AND VISIT YOU ON
YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY!
WHAT?

YOUR 15th BIRTHDAY!
WHAT?
OH, JUST KIDDING.

WHAT?
OH, JUST KIDDING.
PENNY, YOU...

OH, JUST KIDDING.
PENNY, YOU...
YOU BETTER GET TO BED.

PENNY, YOU...
YOU BETTER GET TO BED.
OKAY.

YOU BETTER GET TO BED.
OKAY.
MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD

OKAY.
MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD
AT YOU.

MR. DEATH, I'M SORRY I GOT MAD
AT YOU.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB.

AT YOU.
I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB.
IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW,

I KNOW YOU HAVE A HARD JOB.
IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW,
YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG

IT'S NOT EASY, BUT RIGHT NOW,
YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG
LADY.

YOU HAVE A JOB TO DO, YOUNG
LADY.
AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP.

LADY.
AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP.
OKAY.

AND THAT'S TO GO TO SLEEP.
OKAY.
MR. DEATH?

OKAY.
MR. DEATH?
CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT?

MR. DEATH?
CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT?
PENNY.

CAN YOU KISS ME GOOD NIGHT?
PENNY.
YEAH?

PENNY.
YEAH?
DON'T PRESS YOUR LUCK.

WELL, NOW WHAT?

REALLY.

WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?

I HAVE GONE MORE THAN HALFWAY.

JUST FOUR MONTHS AGO, I
UNDERTOOK MY PEACE INITIATIVE.
I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT

UNDERTOOK MY PEACE INITIATIVE.
I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT
HAPPENED?

I WENT TO ISRAEL, AND WHAT
HAPPENED?
THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON.

HAPPENED?
THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON.
REALLY.

THE ISRAELIS WENT TO LEBANON.
REALLY.
I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE

REALLY.
I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE
PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O.

I MADE DEMANDS FOR THE
PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O.
WANTS TO KILL ME.

PALESTINIANS, AND NOW THE P.L.O.
WANTS TO KILL ME.
REALLY.

WANTS TO KILL ME.
REALLY.
I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE

REALLY.
I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE
COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE

I TRIED TO PULL A NICE LITTLE
COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE
THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND

COMMANDO RAID AT NICOSIA, LIKE
THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND
THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED

THE ISRAELIS AT ENTEBBE, AND
THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED
IT UP.

THOSE CYPRIOT DWARVES BOTCHED
IT UP.
AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR

IT UP.
AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR
CALLING THEM DWARVES.

AND THEN I GET IN TROUBLE FOR
CALLING THEM DWARVES.
BUT THEY ARE.

CALLING THEM DWARVES.
BUT THEY ARE.
LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S

BUT THEY ARE.
LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S
MAN OF THE YEAR.

LAST YEAR, I WAS TIME MAGAZINE'S
MAN OF THE YEAR.
THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE

MAN OF THE YEAR.
THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE
IT THROUGH THE YEAR.

THIS YEAR, I'LL BE LUCKY TO MAKE
IT THROUGH THE YEAR.
REALLY.

IT THROUGH THE YEAR.
REALLY.
I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT

REALLY.
I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT
WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS,

I REALLY WANTED A PEACE THAT
WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS,
YOU KNOW?

WOULD EMBRACE ALL ARAB NATIONS,
YOU KNOW?
AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE

YOU KNOW?
AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE
MIDDLE.

AND NOW I AM ALONE IN THE
MIDDLE.
AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING

MIDDLE.
AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING
GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT

AND JUST WHEN I WAS BEGINNING
GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT
LOSE HIS JOB.

GETTING TO KNOW BEGGAN, HE MIGHT
LOSE HIS JOB.
SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?

LOSE HIS JOB.
SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?
DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND

SO NOW WHAT DO I DO?
DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND
ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS...

DO I PURSUE A SEPARATE PEACE AND
ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS...
AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL?

ALIENATE MY ARAB NEIGHBORS...
AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL?
OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN

AND MAYBE MY SAUDI BANKROLL?
OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN
A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED

OR DO I JOIN THE ARAB STATES IN
A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED
TO FIGHT?

A WAR THAT EGYPT IS NOT PREPARED
TO FIGHT?
OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN?

TO FIGHT?
OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN?
I DON'T KNOW.

OR SHOULD I JUST RESIGN?
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW, REALLY.

BUT IF YOU DO, PLEASE SEND

SUGGESTIONS TO...

IF YOU'VE GOT ANY IDEA AT ALL,

ANYTHING, SEND IT.

AND HURRY, PLEASE!

IF YOU GET AN IDEA, ANYTHING,

PLEASE!

AND NOW THIS WEEK'S FILM BY
GARY WIES.
BEWARE... IT'S NOT FOR THE

GARY WIES.
BEWARE... IT'S NOT FOR THE
SQUEAMISH.

[INTRO TO FOREIGNER'S
"COLD AS ICE" PLAYS]

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE
OUR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU NEVER TAKE ADVICE ♪
♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE,
I KNOW ♪

♪ SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE PRICE,
I KNOW ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪

I KNOW ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪
♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪
♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪
♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪

♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪
♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪
♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪

♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪
♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪
♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪
♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪
♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪

♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪
♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪
♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE
OUR LOVE ♪

♪ YOU'RE WILLING TO SACRIFICE
OUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪

OUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪
♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE

♪ YOU WANT PARADISE ♪
♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE
PRICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY THE
PRICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪

PRICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪
♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪

♪ I'VE SEEN IT BEFORE ♪
♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪

♪ IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME ♪
♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪
♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪

♪ YOU'RE CLOSING THE DOOR ♪
♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪
♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪

♪ YOU LEAVE THE WORLD BEHIND ♪
♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪
♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪

♪ YOU'RE DIGGING FOR GOLD ♪
♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪
♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪

♪ YET THROWING AWAY ♪
♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪
♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪

♪ A FORTUNE IN FEELINGS ♪
♪ BUT SOMEDAY YOU'LL PAY! ♪
[GUITAR SOLO]

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE! ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ AS COLD AS ICE TO ME! ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ AS COLD AS ICE TO ME! ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ OOH ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪

♪ OOH ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS I-I-I-CE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YES, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪

♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE! ♪
♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪

♪ COLD AS ICE, I KNOW! ♪
♪ YOU'RE AS COLD AS ICE ♪
♪ OH, YES, I KNOW ♪

HI, FOLKS, I'M DEL STATOR.
YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE
TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH

YOU KNOW, EVERYBODY KNOWS WHERE
TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH
DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE

TO GO FOR BEEF, CHICKEN, OR FISH
DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE
YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY

DINNERS, BUT WHERE DO YOU TAKE
YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY
PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT?

YOUR FAMILY FOR A REASONABLY
PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT?
WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE

PRICED MEAL OF HOT RABBIT?
WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE
PLACE IN AMERICA...

WELL, FOLKS, THERE'S ONLY ONE
PLACE IN AMERICA...
DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS.

PLACE IN AMERICA...
DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS.
WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO

DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUTS.
WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO
A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE

WHEN YOU AND YOUR FAMILY COME TO
A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE
FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR

A DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT, THE
FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR
MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF

FIRST THING YOU DO IS PICK YOUR
MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF
U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED

MEAL FROM THOUSANDS OF
U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED
GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY

U.S.-GOVERNMENT-INSPECTED
GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY
RIGHT ON THE PREMISES.

GRADE- "A" RABBITS BRED HOURLY
RIGHT ON THE PREMISES.
HI, THERE, FOLKS.

RIGHT ON THE PREMISES.
HI, THERE, FOLKS.
WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT?

HI, THERE, FOLKS.
WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT?
WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD.

WHICH ONES DO YOU WANT TO EAT?
WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD.
I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE

WELL, I'M A HUNGRY DAD.
I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE
WITH THE WHITE FEET.

I'LL HAVE THAT BIG BROWN ONE
WITH THE WHITE FEET.
I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT

WITH THE WHITE FEET.
I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT
WHITE ONE!

I THINK I'LL GO FOR THAT
WHITE ONE!
I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE.

WHITE ONE!
I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE.
[Laughing] ALL RIGHT,

I'LL TAKE THAT LITTLE ONE.
[Laughing] ALL RIGHT,
FOLKS.

[Laughing] ALL RIGHT,
FOLKS.
JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A

FOLKS.
JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A
COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE

JUST HELP YOURSELF TO A
COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE
DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD

COMPLIMENTARY SALAD FROM THE
DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD
BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS

DEL STATOR'S CABBAGE PATCH SALAD
BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS
SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT

BAR, WHILE YOUR RABBIT IS
SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT
THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S

SKINNED, GUTTED, THEN SENT
THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S
PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER.

THROUGH THE DEL STATOR'S
PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER.
EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY

PATENTED RABBIT ROTO-BROILER.
EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY
BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY

EVERY RABBIT COMES OUT CRISPY
BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY
DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST

BROWN ON THE OUTSIDE AND JUICY
DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST
THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM.

DELICIOUS ON THE INSIDE... JUST
THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM.
HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS?

THE WAY YOU LIKE 'EM.
HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS?
MMM, DELICIOUS.

HOW'S THAT RABBIT, FOLKS?
MMM, DELICIOUS.
[CHUCKLES]

MMM, DELICIOUS.
[CHUCKLES]
GREAT RABBIT.

[CHUCKLES]
GREAT RABBIT.
AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR.

GREAT RABBIT.
AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR.
TAKE A BITE.

AH, COME ON, THERE, JUNIOR.
TAKE A BITE.
MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN

TAKE A BITE.
MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN
CHICKEN!

MMM, THIS IS BETTER THAN
CHICKEN!
[LAUGHS]

CHICKEN!
[LAUGHS]
YEAH, YOU BET IT IS.

[LAUGHS]
YEAH, YOU BET IT IS.
AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER

YEAH, YOU BET IT IS.
AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER
THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF

AND FOR EVERY YOUNGSTER UNDER
THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF
LUCKY RABBITS' FEET.

THE AGE OF 13, THERE'S A PAIR OF
LUCKY RABBITS' FEET.
HERE YOU GO, SON.

LUCKY RABBITS' FEET.
HERE YOU GO, SON.
WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM.

HERE YOU GO, SON.
WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR

WE GOT PLENTY OF THEM.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR
GIRLS.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET THE STATOR
GIRLS.
COME ON IN, GIRLS.

GIRLS.
COME ON IN, GIRLS.
Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE

COME ON IN, GIRLS.
Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE
RABBIT HUT ♪

Both: ♪ HOP ON DOWN TO THE
RABBIT HUT ♪
♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT

RABBIT HUT ♪
♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT
NUT ♪

♪ WE'LL TURN YOU INTO A RABBIT
NUT ♪
♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪

NUT ♪
♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪

♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪

♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪
HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S

♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HUT ♪
HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S
RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU.

HOP ON DOWN TO A DEL STATOR'S
RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU.
WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.

RABBIT HUT NEAR YOU.
WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.
Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪

WE'D LIKE TO SEE YOU.
Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪

Both: ♪ AT DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S ♪
♪ DEL STATOR'S RABBIT HU-U-U-T ♪

Announcer: TAKE ADVANTAGE OF

DEL STATOR'S EASTER SPECIAL...

GET A GIANT BUNNY BUCKET,

COLESLAW, AND GRECIAN BREAD

THIS WEEK FOR ONLY $4.99.

[THUNDER CRASHES]

[German accent] IF SHE'S
NOT HERE SOON, I'M AFRAID IT
WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL.

NOT HERE SOON, I'M AFRAID IT
WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL.
THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW

WILL BE TOO LATE, CARL.
THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW
HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED

THE SUN WILL BE UP IN A FEW
HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED
OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO

HOURS, AND WE WILL HAVE MISSED
OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO
IT.

OUR LAST CHANCE TO PUT AN END TO
IT.
I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE

IT.
I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE
APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT

I THINK I HEAR SOMEONE
APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT
MISTAKEN.

APPROACHING NOW, IF I'M NOT
MISTAKEN.
[GASPS]

MISTAKEN.
[GASPS]
THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE.

[GASPS]
THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE.
I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD

THANK GOD YOU ARE HERE.
I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD
HAPPENED TO YOU.

I WAS AFRAID SOMETHING HAD
HAPPENED TO YOU.
WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL

HAPPENED TO YOU.
WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL
DAYBREAK.

WE HAVE ONLY A FEW HOURS UNTIL
DAYBREAK.
ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE

DAYBREAK.
ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE
RIGHT THING, DOCTOR?

ARE YOU SURE WE'RE DOING THE
RIGHT THING, DOCTOR?
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.

RIGHT THING, DOCTOR?
I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN.

I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO IT.
YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN.
YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.

YOU MUST DO IT, MAUREEN.
YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU.

YOU ARE OUR ONLY HOPE.
HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW HE WILL.

HE'LL OPEN THE GATES FOR YOU.
YOU KNOW HE WILL.
ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION,

YOU KNOW HE WILL.
ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION,
CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF

ONCE WE ARE IN THE MANSION,
CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF
EVERYTHING.

CARL AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF
EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE

EVERYTHING.
ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE
THAT?

ARE YOU GOING TO HAVE TO USE
THAT?
IT'S THE ONLY WAY!

THAT?
IT'S THE ONLY WAY!
A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY

IT'S THE ONLY WAY!
A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY
TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US

A WOODEN STAKE IS THE ONLY WAY
TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US
FOREVER.

TO KEEP HIM FROM HAUNTING US
FOREVER.
IT MUST BE DONE.

FOREVER.
IT MUST BE DONE.
I'M SCARED!

IT MUST BE DONE.
I'M SCARED!
NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE

I'M SCARED!
NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE

NOW, REMEMBER... YOU HAVE
NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE
DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE

NOTHING TO FEAR AS LONG AS HE
DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE
CAREFUL.

DOESN'T TOUCH YOU, BUT BE
CAREFUL.
REMEMBER... HE IS TRICKY.

CAREFUL.
REMEMBER... HE IS TRICKY.
[THUNDER CRASHES]

[MUMBLES]

I THINK I'LL READ IT OVER ONE
MORE TIME.
IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS

MORE TIME.
IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS
TOMORROW MORNING.

IT'S GOING OFF TO THE PUBLISHERS
TOMORROW MORNING.
THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE.

TOMORROW MORNING.
THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE.
"'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON.

THIS'LL BE MY LAST CHANCE.
"'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON.
$19.95"

"'MEMOIRS' BY RICHARD NIXON.
$19.95"
"CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN

$19.95"
"CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN
THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT..."

"CHAPTER ONE... I WAS BORN IN
THE HOUSE MY FATHER BUILT..."
[INTERCOM BUZZES]

YES?
Mr. President?
I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE.

Mr. President?
I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE.
Mr. President, it's

I-I DON'T RECALL THE VOICE.
Mr. President, it's
Maureen Dean.

Mr. President, it's
Maureen Dean.
I was wondering if I could talk

Maureen Dean.
I was wondering if I could talk
to you.

I was wondering if I could talk
to you.
UH, MAUREEN.

To you.
UH, MAUREEN.
WHAT A SURPRISE.

UH, MAUREEN.
WHAT A SURPRISE.
ARE YOU ALONE?

WHAT A SURPRISE.
ARE YOU ALONE?
Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President.

ARE YOU ALONE?
Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President.
UH, WELL, COME ON IN.

Uh, yes, I am, Mr. President.
UH, WELL, COME ON IN.
I'LL PUT ON SOME JAVA.

♪ LOOK AT ME ♪
♪ I'M AS HELPLESS AS THE KITTEN
UP A TREE ♪

♪ I'M AS HELPLESS AS THE KITTEN
UP A TREE ♪
♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪

UP A TREE ♪
♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪
♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪

♪ AND I FEEL LIKE... ♪
♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪
♪ I... ♪

♪ AS A KITTEN UP A TREE ♪
♪ I... ♪
NO, NO!

♪ I... ♪
NO, NO!
NO, NO MORE!

NO, NO!
NO, NO MORE!
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]

NO, NO MORE!
[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
PAT, HELP!

[SHOUTS INDISTINCTLY]
PAT, HELP!
HELP!

PAT, HELP!
HELP!
I HATE THAT SONG.

HELP!
I HATE THAT SONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE

I HATE THAT SONG.
YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE
FOR?

YOU KNOW WHAT WE ARE HERE
FOR?
WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF

FOR?
WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF
WATERGATE TO REST.

WE HAVE COME TO PUT THE SOUL OF
WATERGATE TO REST.
IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH.

WATERGATE TO REST.
IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH.
IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND

IT HAS HAUNTED US LONG ENOUGH.
IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND
FOR ALL.

IT MUST BE DONE WITH, ONCE AND
FOR ALL.
I'VE GOT IT!

FOR ALL.
I'VE GOT IT!
THIS IS IT!

I'VE GOT IT!
THIS IS IT!
GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN.

THIS IS IT!
GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN.
IT'S MINE.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MAUREEN.
IT'S MINE.
DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN.

IT'S MINE.
DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN.
THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT

DON'T WORRY, MAUREEN.
THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT
BAY.

THIS MIRROR WILL KEEP HIM AT
BAY.
HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN

BAY.
HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN
REFLECTION.

HE HATES TO SEE HIS OWN
REFLECTION.
HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA

REFLECTION.
HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA
ENOUGH?

HAVEN'T YOU POLLUTED AMERICA
ENOUGH?
HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM

ENOUGH?
HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM
YOUR MISTAKES?

HAVEN'T YOU PROFITED ENOUGH FROM
YOUR MISTAKES?
GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE.

YOUR MISTAKES?
GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.

GIVE IT BACK TO ME, MOLE.
I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.

I'LL MAKE IT UP TO YOU.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.
QUICK, CARL!

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.
QUICK, CARL!
CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE!

QUICK, CARL!
CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE!
UNWRAP IT!

CARL, UNWRAP THE PICTURE!
UNWRAP IT!
OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE.

UNWRAP IT!
OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

OH, I FORGOT IT OUTSIDE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT
A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE

DON'T... DON'T YOU REMEMBER WHAT
A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE
DINNER FOR THE SHAH?

A SWELL TIME WE HAD AT THE STATE
DINNER FOR THE SHAH?
DON'T LOOK AT HIM.

DINNER FOR THE SHAH?
DON'T LOOK AT HIM.
MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION

DON'T LOOK AT HIM.
MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION
FOR MY COMEBACK.

MY MEMOIRS ARE THE FOUNDATION
FOR MY COMEBACK.
THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN

FOR MY COMEBACK.
THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN
MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN.

THERE'LL BE A PLACE FOR YOU IN
MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN.
DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE

MY ADMINISTRATION, MAUREEN.
DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE
EYES.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM IN THE
EYES.
THEY'RE SHIFTY.

EYES.
THEY'RE SHIFTY.
MY NEW ADMINISTRATION...

THEY'RE SHIFTY.
MY NEW ADMINISTRATION...
THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR

MY NEW ADMINISTRATION...
THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR
YOU ON THE TICKET.

THERE MAY EVEN BE A PLACE FOR
YOU ON THE TICKET.
NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT.

YOU ON THE TICKET.
NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.

NIXON AND DEAN... I LIKE THAT.
DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.
REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW.

DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, MAUREEN.
REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW.
YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT

REMEMBER WHAT HE DID TO AGNEW.
YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT
GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW.

YOU KNOW, THE VICE PRESIDENT
GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW.
YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY

GETS HIS OWN MANSION NOW.
YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY
YOU WANTED.

YOU COULD DECORATE IT ANY WAY
YOU WANTED.
DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN!

YOU WANTED.
DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN!
TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.

DON'T LOOK AT HIM, MAUREEN!
TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.
THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES,

TRY TO THINK OF SOMETHING ELSE.
THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES,
ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW

THINK OF ALL THOSE PARTIES,
ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW
PRETTY YOU LOOK.

ALL THOSE PEOPLE TELLING YOU HOW
PRETTY YOU LOOK.
[SCREAMS]

PRETTY YOU LOOK.
[SCREAMS]
[SNARLING]

[SCREAMS]
[SNARLING]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO

[SNARLING]
ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO
THROUGH WITH IT?

ARE YOU SURE YOU'VE GOT TO GO
THROUGH WITH IT?
MAYBE HE'S CHANGED!

THROUGH WITH IT?
MAYBE HE'S CHANGED!
IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT

MAYBE HE'S CHANGED!
IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT
NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF

IF WE DON'T PUT AN END TO IT
NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF
WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO

NOW, IT WILL ONLY BE A MATTER OF
WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO
LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN

WEEKS BEFORE IT SPREADS TO
LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN
EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN

LIBRARIES AND BOOKSTORES IN
EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN
AMERICA.

EVERY CITY, TOWN, AND MALL IN
AMERICA.
THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL

AMERICA.
THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL
SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS

THE STENCH OF SAN CLEMENTE WILL
SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS
STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES.

SEEP INTO COMMUTER TRAINS, BUS
STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES.
THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER

STATIONS, AND BOOKMOBILES.
THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER
BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR

THE COUNTRY WILL REEK AS NEVER
BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR
THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT

BEFORE OVER THIS FOUL AFFAIR
THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT
REFUSES TO DIE!

THAT CONTINUES TO DECOMPOSE BUT
REFUSES TO DIE!
WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO

REFUSES TO DIE!
WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO
ON HAUNTING US.

WE CAN'T PERMIT THE UNDEAD TO GO
ON HAUNTING US.
WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF

ON HAUNTING US.
WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF
WATERGATE TO REST... NOW!

WE MUST PUT THE SOUL OF
WATERGATE TO REST... NOW!
[HISSING]

WATERGATE TO REST... NOW!
[HISSING]
LOOK.

[HISSING]
LOOK.
SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE

LOOK.
SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE
LOOKS.

SEE HOW... HOW PEACEFUL HE
LOOKS.
HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT

LOOKS.
HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT
PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON.

HE HASN'T LOOKED THAT
PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON.
WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW.

PEACEFUL SINCE THE PARDON.
WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW.
OUR WORK IS NEARLY OVER.

WELL, WE MUST BURN IT NOW.
OUR WORK IS NEARLY OVER.
COME.

"'MEMOIRS'..."
[KEYS CLACKING]
"BY RICHARD NIXON."

[KEYS CLACKING]
"BY RICHARD NIXON."
[KEYS CLACKING]

"BY RICHARD NIXON."
[KEYS CLACKING]
[BELL DINGS]

[KEYS CLACKING]
[BELL DINGS]
"$19.95.

[BELL DINGS]
"$19.95.
CHAPTER ONE..."

"$19.95.
CHAPTER ONE..."
[KEYS CLACKING]

CHAPTER ONE..."
[KEYS CLACKING]
"I WAS BORN...

[KEYS CLACKING]
"I WAS BORN...
IN THE HOUSE..."

"I WAS BORN...
IN THE HOUSE..."
[THUNDER CRASHES]

IN THE HOUSE..."
[THUNDER CRASHES]
"MY FATHER BUILT..."

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RICHARD BELZER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD BELZER.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.

THANK YOU.
YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WAY TOO KIND.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH
MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE

I WAS JUST BACKSTAGE WITH
MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE
HAMBURGER HELPERS.

MEAT LOAF'S ROAD PEOPLE, THE
HAMBURGER HELPERS.
[LAUGHTER]

HAMBURGER HELPERS.
[LAUGHTER]
AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE,

[LAUGHTER]
AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE,
AND...

AND THEY'RE VERY NICE PEOPLE,
AND...
[LAUGHS]

AND...
[LAUGHS]
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE.

[LAUGHS]
WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE.
I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK

WE HAD A LOT OF FUN BACKSTAGE.
I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK
IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY,

I'D LIKE TO DO SOME QUICK
IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.

IMPRESSIONS FOR YOU, IF I MAY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY
IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO.

I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU MY
IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO.
MICHELANGELO.

IMPRESSION OF MICHELANGELO.
MICHELANGELO.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

MICHELANGELO.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ CEILINGS ♪

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ CEILINGS ♪
♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪

♪ CEILINGS ♪
♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪
GET IT?

♪ NOTHING MORE THAN CEILINGS ♪
GET IT?
GOOD, OKAY.

GET IT?
GOOD, OKAY.
SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS

GOOD, OKAY.
SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS
THAT SING LIKE THAT.

SO, ANYWAY, I LIKE THOSE GUYS
THAT SING LIKE THAT.
YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY

THAT SING LIKE THAT.
YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY
WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND

YOU EVER NOTICE THAT EVERY
WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND
OF VOICE?

WEDDING SINGER HAS THE SAME KIND
OF VOICE?
SING...

OF VOICE?
SING...
[Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER,

SING...
[Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER,
WIDER THAN A MILE ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ MOON RIVER,
WIDER THAN A MILE ♪
HEY!

WIDER THAN A MILE ♪
HEY!
I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW...

HEY!
I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW...
♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE

I'M KIND OF LIKE, YOU KNOW...
♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE
SOMEDAY ♪

♪ CROSSING YOU IN STYLE
SOMEDAY ♪
[Normal voice] I WAS AT A

SOMEDAY ♪
[Normal voice] I WAS AT A
WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,

[Normal voice] I WAS AT A
WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,
AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM

WEDDING ABOUT THREE WEEKS AGO,
AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM
DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE

AND I WAS A LITTLE DRUNK FROM
DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE
BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER.

DRINKING CHAMPAGNE... THE
BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER.
ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE

BUBBLES MAKE IT WORK FASTER.
ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE
GUYS THERE.

ANYWAY, THERE WAS ONE OF THESE
GUYS THERE.
THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS

GUYS THERE.
THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS
ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND

THEY ALL HAD GLEN PLAID TUXEDOS
ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND
ON.

ON, AND THEY WERE SINGING ON AND
ON.
I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER.

ON.
I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER.
I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE

I WENT UP TO THE BANDLEADER.
I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE
REQUESTS?"

I SAID, "YOU GUYS TAKE
REQUESTS?"
HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO."

REQUESTS?"
HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO."
I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING

HE SAID, "OF COURSE WE DO."
I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING
BY THE ROLLING STONES?"

I SAID, "COULD YOU DO SOMETHING
BY THE ROLLING STONES?"
HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG

BY THE ROLLING STONES?"
HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG
MAN.

HE SAID, "YES, WE CAN, YOUNG
MAN.
JUST HAVE A SEAT."

MAN.
JUST HAVE A SEAT."
I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE

JUST HAVE A SEAT."
I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE
WAS SERIOUS.

I WAS GOOFING ON THE GUY, BUT HE
WAS SERIOUS.
SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M

WAS SERIOUS.
SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M
SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE

SO, LIKE, 10 MINUTES LATER, I'M
SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE
DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN

SITTING DOWN, A LITTLE BIT MORE
DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN
THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE

DRUNK, AND THE BANDLEADER IN
THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE
ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY

THIS WEDDING TURNS TO THE
ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY
REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES

ORCHESTRA AND SAYS, "BOYS, BY
REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES
MEDLEY, PLEASE."

REQUEST, THE ROLLING STONES
MEDLEY, PLEASE."
[LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS

MEDLEY, PLEASE."
[LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS
ROLLING STONES'

[LOUNGE-STYLE PIANO PLAYS
ROLLING STONES'
"SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"]

[ROLLING STONES'
"SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"]
[Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW

["SYMPATHY FOR THE DEVIL"]
[Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW
ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ PLEASE ALLOW
ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪
♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND

ME TO INTRODUCE MYSELF ♪
♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND
TASTE ♪

♪ I'M A MAN OF WEALTH AND
TASTE ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A

TASTE ♪
♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A
YEAR ♪

♪ I'VE BEEN AROUND FOR MANY A
YEAR ♪
HEY, LAID MANY...

YEAR ♪
HEY, LAID MANY...
♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪

HEY, LAID MANY...
♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪
♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪

♪ A SOUL TO WASTE ♪
♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪
HEY!

♪ PLEASED TO MEET YOU ♪
HEY!
♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU

HEY!
♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU
KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪

♪ HOPE YOU KIND OF LIKE, YOU
KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪
♪ BECAUSE ♪♪

KNOW, GUESSED MY NAME ♪
♪ BECAUSE ♪♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪

♪ BECAUSE ♪♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
GOSH!

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
GOSH!
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

GOSH!
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
GEE!

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
GEE!
♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪

GEE!
♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪♪
♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪
♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪

♪ 'CAUSE I'M DRIVING IN MY CAR ♪
♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪
HEY!

♪ AND A MAN COMES ON THE RADIO ♪
HEY!
♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE

HEY!
♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE
DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪

♪ HE CAN'T BE A MAN 'CAUSE HE
DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪

DOESN'T SMOKE ♪♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ANY ♪
♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪

♪ SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪
[PIANO SOLOS, STOPS]

♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪
[PIANO SOLOS, STOPS]
[CHUCKLES]

[PIANO SOLOS, STOPS]
[CHUCKLES]
[Normal voice] THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
[Normal voice] THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Normal voice] THANK YOU.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE

THANK YOU.
SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE
IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL

SEE, THAT'S FUNNY TO ME BECAUSE
IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL
THING.

IT'S THE ANTITHESIS OF THE REAL
THING.
THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER.

THING.
THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER

THE REAL THING IS MICK JAGGER.
HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER
WORK?

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN MICK JAGGER
WORK?
MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON

WORK?
MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON
ACID.

MICK JAGGER IS LIKE A ROOSTER ON
ACID.
[BAND PLAYS ROLLING STONES'

ACID.
[BAND PLAYS ROLLING STONES'
"(I CAN'T GET NO) SATISFACTION"]

♪ DOIN' THIS, AND I'M DOIN'
THAT ♪
♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME

THAT ♪
♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME
GIRL ♪

♪ AND I'M TRYIN' TO MAKE SOME
GIRL ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

GIRL ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪

♪ I CAN'T GET ME NO ♪
♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
[Nasal voice] ♪ NO

♪ I CAN'T GET NO ♪
[Nasal voice] ♪ NO
SATISFACTION ♪

[Nasal voice] ♪ NO
SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪

SATISFACTION ♪
♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ NO SATISFACTION ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Normal voice] OKAY.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Normal voice] OKAY.
OH, WAIT.

[Normal voice] OKAY.
OH, WAIT.
MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR!

OH, WAIT.
MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR!
[LAUGHTER]

MY HAND'S CAUGHT IN MY HAIR!
[LAUGHTER]
WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU

[LAUGHTER]
WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

WE FALL DOWN, AND WE GET UP, YOU
KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OKAY, AND NOW...

KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?
OKAY, AND NOW...
[CHUCKLES]

OKAY, AND NOW...
[CHUCKLES]
OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE

[CHUCKLES]
OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE
BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE

OF COURSE, YOU ALL KNOW THAT THE
BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE
NOW AVAILABLE.

BOB DYLAN BAR MITZVAH TAPES ARE
NOW AVAILABLE.
I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN

NOW AVAILABLE.
I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN
THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.

I HAVE A FANTASY ABOUT DYLAN
THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.
SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW

THAT I'D LIKE TO SHARE WITH YOU.
SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW
OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL

SEE, I FEEL THAT, NO MATTER HOW
OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL
CONTINUE TO PERFORM.

OLD BOB DYLAN GETS, HE'LL
CONTINUE TO PERFORM.
THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY

CONTINUE TO PERFORM.
THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY
OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN

THIS IS MY IMAGE AND MY FANTASY
OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN
CONCERT.

OF THE 86-YEAR-OLD BOB DYLAN IN
CONCERT.
[PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S

CONCERT.
[PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S
"LIKE A ROLLING STONE"]

[PIANO PLAYS BOB DYLAN'S
"LIKE A ROLLING STONE"]
[COUGHS]

["LIKE A ROLLING STONE"]
[COUGHS]
[Yiddish accent] OY.

[COUGHS]
[Yiddish accent] OY.
♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪

[Yiddish accent] OY.
♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪
♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED

♪ OY, OY, OY, OY ♪
♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED
SO FINE ♪

♪ ONCE UPON A TIME YOU DRESSED
SO FINE ♪
♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN

SO FINE ♪
♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN
YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪

♪ YOU THREW THE BUMS A DIME IN
YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪
♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE,

YOUR PRIME, DIDN'T YOU? ♪
♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE,
DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪

♪ PEOPLE CALL, SAY, "BEWARE,
DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪
♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL

DOLL... YOU'RE BOUND TO FALL" ♪
♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL
KIDDING YOU ♪

♪ YOU THOUGHT THEY WAS ALL
KIDDING YOU ♪
[COUGHS]

KIDDING YOU ♪
[COUGHS]
♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT

[COUGHS]
♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT
EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪

♪ YOU USED TO LAUGH ABOUT
EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪
AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD,

EVERYBODY THAT WAS HANGING OUT ♪
AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD,
MR. BIG SHOT, HUH?

AND NOW YOU DON'T LAUGH SO LOUD,
MR. BIG SHOT, HUH?
♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO

MR. BIG SHOT, HUH?
♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO
PROUD ♪

♪ AND NOW YOU DON'T FEEL SO
PROUD ♪
[Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT

PROUD ♪
[Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT
HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR

[Imitating Bob Dylan] ♪ ABOUT
HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR
NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪

HAVING TO BE SCROUNGING YOUR
NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]

NEXT ME-E-E-E-E-E-AL ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
[Yiddish accent] OY.

[MUSIC STOPS]
[Yiddish accent] OY.
♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪

[Yiddish accent] OY.
♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪
♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪

♪ HOW DOES IT FEEL? ♪
♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ LIKE A ROLLING GALLSTONE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.

[Normal voice] THANK YOU VERY
MUCH.
THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT.

MUCH.
THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND THANK YOU.

THANK YOU, SATURDAY NIGHT.
AND THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, AMERICA.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
MEAT LOAF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

MEAT LOAF.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "TWO OUT OF THREE

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "TWO OUT OF THREE
AIN'T BAD" PLAYS]

♪ BABY, WE CAN TALK ALL
NIGHT ♪
♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US

NIGHT ♪
♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US
NOWHERE ♪

♪ BUT THAT AIN'T GETTING US
NOWHERE ♪
♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I

NOWHERE ♪
♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I
POSSIBLY CAN ♪

♪ I TOLD YOU EVERYTHING I
POSSIBLY CAN ♪
♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF

POSSIBLY CAN ♪
♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF
HERE ♪

♪ THERE'S NOTHING LEFT INSIDE OF
HERE ♪
♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL

HERE ♪
♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL
NIGHT ♪

♪ AND MAYBE YOU CAN CRY ALL
NIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

NIGHT ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE
THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪

♪ BUT THAT'LL NEVER CHANGE
THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪
♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP

THE WAY THAT I FEEL ♪
♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP
OUTSIDE ♪

♪ THE SNOW IS REALLY PILING UP
OUTSIDE ♪
♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME

OUTSIDE ♪
♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME
LEAVE YOU ♪

♪ I WISH YOU WOULDN'T MAKE ME
LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED

LEAVE YOU ♪
♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED
IT OUT ♪

♪ I POURED IT ON, AND I POURED
IT OUT ♪
♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW

IT OUT ♪
♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW
MUCH I CARE ♪

♪ I TRIED TO SHOW YOU JUST HOW
MUCH I CARE ♪
♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M

MUCH I CARE ♪
♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M
TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪

♪ I'M TIRED OF WORDS, AND I'M
TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO

TOO HOARSE TO SHOUT ♪
♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO
LONG ♪

♪ BUT YOU'VE BEEN COLD TO ME SO
LONG ♪
♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF

LONG ♪
♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF
TEARS ♪

♪ I'M CRYING ICICLES INSTEAD OF
TEARS ♪
♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON

TEARS ♪
♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON
TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪

♪ AND ALL I CAN DO IS KEEP ON
TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪

TELLING YOU I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M

♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M
EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪

♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M
EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪

EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE

♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE
AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE
AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪

♪ TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪
♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪

♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪
♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪
♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M

♪ I CAN'T LIE ♪
♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M
SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪

♪ I CAN'T TELL YOU THAT I'M
SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪
♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪

SOMETHING I'M NOT ♪
♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU

♪ NO MATTER HOW I TRY ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO GIVE YOU
SOMETHING ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T

SOMETHING ♪
♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T
GOT ♪

♪ SOMETHING THAT I JUST HAVEN'T
GOT ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL

GOT ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL
THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪

♪ WELL, THERE'S ONLY ONE GIRL
THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪
♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS

THAT I WILL EVER LOVE ♪
♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS
AGO ♪

♪ AND THAT WAS SO MANY YEARS
AGO ♪
♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I

AGO ♪
♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I
BEGGED HER ♪

♪ AND THOUGH I PLEADED AND I
BEGGED HER ♪
♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪

BEGGED HER ♪
♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪
♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED

♪ NOT TO WALK OUT THAT DOOR ♪
♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED
RIGHT AWAY ♪

♪ SHE PACKED HER BAGS AND TURNED
RIGHT AWAY ♪
♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

RIGHT AWAY ♪
♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

♪ AND SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪

♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪

♪ SHE KEPT ON TELLING ME ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I WANT YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪

♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M

♪ I NEED YOU ♪
♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M
EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪

♪ BUT THERE AIN'T NO WAY I'M
EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪

EVER GONNA LOVE YOU ♪
♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪

♪ NOW DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE

♪ DON'T BE SAD 'CAUSE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE
AIN'T BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE
AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪

AIN'T BAD ♪
♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T

♪ OH, NOW, DON'T BE SAD ♪
♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T
BAD ♪

♪ 'CAUSE TWO OUT OF THREE AIN'T
BAD ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: HEY, KIDS!
IT'S TIME FOR THE MR. BILL SHOW!
HO HO, KIDDIES!

IT'S TIME FOR THE MR. BILL SHOW!
HO HO, KIDDIES!
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF

HO HO, KIDDIES!
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF
YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL OF
YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF
THE TV SET!

YOU BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF
THE TV SET!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT

THE TV SET!
OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING

OH, WE'RE GOING TO HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING
OUR OWN CIRCUS!

TIME TODAY 'CAUSE WE'RE HAVING
OUR OWN CIRCUS!
BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE

OUR OWN CIRCUS!
BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY FRIEND.

BUT FIRST I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE
YOU TO MY FRIEND.
HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME.

YOU TO MY FRIEND.
HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME.
MR. HANDS!

HE HELPS ME ALL THE TIME.
MR. HANDS!
HEY, MR. BILL!

MR. HANDS!
HEY, MR. BILL!
SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING

HEY, MR. BILL!
SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING
TO SEE YOU!

SAY, A FRIEND OF YOURS IS COMING
TO SEE YOU!
OH, REALLY?

TO SEE YOU!
OH, REALLY?
WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS?

OH, REALLY?
WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS?
HUH?

WHAT COULD THAT BE, MR. HANDS?
HUH?
HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG!

HUH?
HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG!
OH, SPOT!

HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG!
OH, SPOT!
HEY, SPOT!

OH, SPOT!
HEY, SPOT!
OH, IT'S MY DOG!

HEY, SPOT!
OH, IT'S MY DOG!
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH?

OH, IT'S MY DOG!
HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH?
SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME

HEY, HOW'S IT GOING, HUH?
SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME
PET HIM, HUH?

SAY, MR. HANDS, CAN YOU HELP ME
PET HIM, HUH?
SURE, MR. BILL.

PET HIM, HUH?
SURE, MR. BILL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY

SURE, MR. BILL.
BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY
HUNGRY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, HE LOOKS MIGHTY
HUNGRY.
I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM

HUNGRY.
I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM
RIGHT AWAY.

I THINK WE'D BETTER FEED HIM
RIGHT AWAY.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG

RIGHT AWAY.
BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG
FOOD!

BUT I DON'T HAVE ANY DOG
FOOD!
WELL, DON'T WORRY.

FOOD!
WELL, DON'T WORRY.
ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS

WELL, DON'T WORRY.
ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS
DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA

ONE OF YOUR BEST FRIENDS IS
DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA
BRING SOME DOG FOOD.

DROPPING IN, AND HE'S GONNA
BRING SOME DOG FOOD.
WHO'S THAT, HUH?

BRING SOME DOG FOOD.
WHO'S THAT, HUH?
HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST

WHO'S THAT, HUH?
HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST
FRIENDS.

HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST
FRIENDS.
OH, RIGHT.

FRIENDS.
OH, RIGHT.
HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!

OH, RIGHT.
HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!
NOT AT ALL!

HE'S NOT MY FRIEND!
NOT AT ALL!
HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME!

NOT AT ALL!
HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME!
NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO

HE'S ALWAYS MEAN TO ME!
NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO
AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD.

NO, IT'S FRIENDLY MR. SLUGGO
AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD.
THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD!

AND HIS SPECIAL DOG FOOD.
THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD!
SURE IT IS.

THAT'S NOT DOG FOOD!
SURE IT IS.
AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF

SURE IT IS.
AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF
CEREAL!

AND HE SAYS, NOT A SPECK OF
CEREAL!
NO, WAIT!

CEREAL!
NO, WAIT!
IT'S POISON!

NO, WAIT!
IT'S POISON!
DON'T EAT IT, SPOT!

IT'S POISON!
DON'T EAT IT, SPOT!
AAH!

DON'T EAT IT, SPOT!
AAH!
SEE YOU LATER, SPOT.

AAH!
SEE YOU LATER, SPOT.
NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE

SEE YOU LATER, SPOT.
NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE
WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS.

NEVER MIND, MR. BILL, BECAUSE
WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS.
OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS!

WE'RE GONNA HAVE OUR CIRCUS.
OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS!
I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT,

OH, I LOVE THE CIRCUS!
I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT,
MR. BILL.

I BOUGHT YOU THIS PRESENT,
MR. BILL.
NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT.

MR. BILL.
NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT.
TOO TIGHT, OH!

NO, WAIT, THAT'S TOO TIGHT.
TOO TIGHT, OH!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE

TOO TIGHT, OH!
I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE
YOUR BALLOONS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO LOOSE
YOUR BALLOONS.
NO, WAIT, NO, NO!

YOUR BALLOONS.
NO, WAIT, NO, NO!
WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT!

NO, WAIT, NO, NO!
WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT!
I CAN'T, OH!

WAIT, I CAN'T HOLD IT!
I CAN'T, OH!
AAH!

I CAN'T, OH!
AAH!
OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST

AAH!
OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST
YOUR BALLOONS.

OH, MR. BILL, YOU'VE LOST
YOUR BALLOONS.
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED

YOUR BALLOONS.
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED
SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO

YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, WE NEED
SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO
WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A

SOMEBODY TO RUN OUR CIRCUS, SO
WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A
CIRCUS?

WHO'S ALWAYS IN CHARGE OF A
CIRCUS?
I DON'T KNOW.

CIRCUS?
I DON'T KNOW.
WHO?

I DON'T KNOW.
WHO?
THE RINGMASTER.

WHO?
THE RINGMASTER.
OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER!

THE RINGMASTER.
OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER!
SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO,

OH, HE'S NO RINGMASTER!
SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO,
AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT

SURE, HE'S RINGMASTER SLUGGO,
AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT
TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE

AND HE SAYS, FOR OUR FIRST ACT
TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE
A JUGGLING TEAM.

TONIGHT, YOU AND I ARE GONNA BE
A JUGGLING TEAM.
NO!

A JUGGLING TEAM.
NO!
CATCH THE BOWLING PIN!

NO!
CATCH THE BOWLING PIN!
OH, N-O-O-O-O!

CATCH THE BOWLING PIN!
OH, N-O-O-O-O!
FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER

OH, N-O-O-O-O!
FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER
SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A

FOR THE NEXT ACT, RINGMASTER
SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A
DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT.

SLUGGO SAYS YOU'RE GONNA DO A
DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT.
NO, I'LL FALL!

DARING HIGH-WIRE ACT.
NO, I'LL FALL!
DON'T WORRY.

NO, I'LL FALL!
DON'T WORRY.
I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN

DON'T WORRY.
I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN
CASE YOU SLIP.

I MADE YOU A SPECIAL NET, IN
CASE YOU SLIP.
NO, I CAN'T, NO!

CASE YOU SLIP.
NO, I CAN'T, NO!
NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE,

NO, I CAN'T, NO!
NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE,
MR. BILL.

NOW WALK THE TIGHTROPE,
MR. BILL.
OHH!

MR. BILL.
OHH!
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS

OHH!
YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS
WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE

YOU KNOW, MR. BILL, NO CIRCUS
WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE
TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT

WOULD BE COMPLETE WITHOUT THE
TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT
OF THE CANNON" STUNT.

TRADITIONAL "SHOOT THE MAN OUT
OF THE CANNON" STUNT.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]

OF THE CANNON" STUNT.
[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED.

[MUFFLED SCREAMS]
NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED.
NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL.

NOW, LET ME GET YOU LOADED.
NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL.
NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE.

NICE AND SNUG, MR. BILL.
NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS.

NOW I'M GONNA LIGHT THE FUSE.
SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS.
MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM

SO, UNTIL NEXT WEEK, KIDS.
MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM
MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND

MR. BILL SAYS "SO LONG" FROM
MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND
EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP.

MR. SLUGGO, MR. SPOT, AND
EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP.
WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU NEXT WEEK

EVERYBODY IN THE BIG TOP.
WE'RE GONNA SEE YOU NEXT WEEK
WHEN MR. BILL GETS A GIRLFRIEND.

WHEN MR. BILL GETS A GIRLFRIEND.
SO LONG!

SO LONG!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, ALL OF YOU, FOR
COMING THIS EVENING.
I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE

COMING THIS EVENING.
I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE
LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG

I'VE NEVER HAD AN EXPERIENCE
LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG
TIME.

LIKE THIS IN... A LONG, LONG
TIME.
[LAUGHTER]

TIME.
[LAUGHTER]
I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.

[LAUGHTER]
I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS,

I'VE HAD A WONDERFUL TIME.
AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS,
JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU.

AND, AGAIN, ALL I CAN SAY IS,
JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

JUST QUITE SIMPLY, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY,

WATCH NBC's "WEEKEND" WITH

LLOYD DOBYNS.

WE'LL BE BACK IN TWO WEEKS ON

APRIL 8th, WHEN

"SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE'S" HOST

WILL BE MICHAEL PALIN FROM

"MONTY PYTHON'S FLYING CIRCUS."

AND IF THE EASTER BUNNY'S

LISTENING, I'D LIKE MY EGGS

POACHED, PLEASE.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

GOODBYE.