Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 2, Episode 7 - Dick Cavett/Ry Cooder - full transcript

The host for the episode is Dick Cavett (his second appearance), and the musical guest is Ry Cooder. The skits for this episode are as follows: The Chroma-Trak girl gets her colors mixed up during broadcast. Dick Cavett fields que...

Announcer: AND NOW,

GILDA RADNER SPEAKS OUT FOR

CHROMA-TRAK.

MY HAIR IS RED.

MY EYES ARE BLUE.
MY SCARF IS YELLOW.
THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID

MY SCARF IS YELLOW.
THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID
ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU

THE PEOPLE AT CHROMA-TRAK PAID
ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU
THAT MY TOP IS GREEN.

ME A LOT OF MONEY TO TELL YOU
THAT MY TOP IS GREEN.
GREEN?

THAT MY TOP IS GREEN.
GREEN?
MY BELT IS BLACK.

GREEN?
MY BELT IS BLACK.
I'LL BE DOGGONE.

MY BELT IS BLACK.
I'LL BE DOGGONE.
MY GLOVES ARE BROWN.



I'LL BE DOGGONE.
MY GLOVES ARE BROWN.
I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS.

MY GLOVES ARE BROWN.
I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]

I JUST PAID $600 FOR THIS.
[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
$600!

[SHOUTING INDISTINCTLY]
$600!
$600!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY
NIGHT."
STARRING...

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

WITH SPECIAL GUEST...

AND THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DICK CAVETT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU, THANK YOU, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN.
SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE

AND GENTLEMEN.
SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE
HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE

SAY, IT'S NICE OF YOU TO BE
HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE
HERE.



HERE, AND IT'S NICE OF ME TO BE
HERE.
YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY

HERE.
YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY
THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE

YOU MAY WONDER WHAT I MEAN BY
THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE
PRODUCER CALLED ME,

THAT, BUT THE FACT IS THE
PRODUCER CALLED ME,
MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED.

PRODUCER CALLED ME,
MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED.
IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T

MR. MICHAELS, QUITE AGITATED.
IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T
COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS

IF YOU READ TV GUIDE, DON'T
COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS
THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING

COMPLAIN TO THEM BECAUSE IT SAYS
THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING
TONIGHT.

THAT ELLIOTT GOULD IS HOSTING
TONIGHT.
ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST

TONIGHT.
ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST
TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND

ELLIOTT WAS GOING TO HOST
TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND
SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?"

TONIGHT, BUT THEY CALLED ME AND
SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?"
THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK,

SAID, "CAN YOU COME IN?"
THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK,
BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY...

THIS WAS NOT TO BE MY WEEK,
BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY...
EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND

BECAUSE ELLIOTT ACTUALLY...
EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND
HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE

EVERYTHING WAS READY TO GO, AND
HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE
COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE

HIS DOCTOR ADVISED HIM THAT HE
COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE
MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN

COULD MAKE A GREAT DEAL MORE
MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
SPECIAL."

MONEY ON THE "OLIVIA NEWTON-JOHN
SPECIAL."
SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY

SPECIAL."
SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY
DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND

SO HE ISN'T HERE, BUT I REALLY
DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND
THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT

DID LEAP INTO THE BREACH, AND
THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT
FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN.

THANK YOU FOR... AND TO ELLIOTT
FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN.
WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT

FANS, I'LL DO THE BEST I CAN.
WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO

WE HAD THESE CARDS HANDED OUT
BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN

BECAUSE I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN
THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW.

KNOW WHAT THE AUDIENCE THINKS IN
THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW.
AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A

THIS... COMES TO THIS SHOW.
AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A
CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO

AND ALSO, I THOUGHT HAVING A
CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO
ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING

CARD THAT SAY "I WOULD LIKE TO
ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE

ASK DICK CAVETT THE FOLLOWING
QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE
CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT.

QUESTION" WOULD MAKE IT QUITE
CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT.
SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE.

CLEAR WHO THE HOST IS TONIGHT.
SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE.
"HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED

SO, I'LL JUST RUN THROUGH THESE.
"HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED
TO BARBRA STREISAND?"

"HOW DID IT FEEL BEING MARRIED
TO BARBRA STREISAND?"
"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY?

TO BARBRA STREISAND?"
"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY?
WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR

"HAVE YOU EVER BEEN IN THERAPY?
WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR
CONSULTATION.

WE'RE AVAILABLE FOR
CONSULTATION.
MARTY STEINBERG AND

CONSULTATION.
MARTY STEINBERG AND
DEBBIE LAMBERTI..."

MARTY STEINBERG AND
DEBBIE LAMBERTI..."
ARE YOU HERE?

DEBBIE LAMBERTI..."
ARE YOU HERE?
OH, YEAH?

ARE YOU HERE?
OH, YEAH?
LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH,

OH, YEAH?
LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH,
WOULD YOU?

LEAVE A PICTURE OF YOUR COUCH,
WOULD YOU?
"DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?"

WOULD YOU?
"DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?"
YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF

"DO YOU ENJOY LIVE AUDIENCES?"
YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF
BRINGING ONE IN HERE.

YES, IN FACT, WE'RE THINKING OF
BRINGING ONE IN HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE

BRINGING ONE IN HERE.
OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA BE OKAY.

OH, I'M SORRY, I THINK YOU'RE
GONNA BE OKAY.
"WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY

GONNA BE OKAY.
"WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY
ACTRESS.

"WE KNOW YOUR WIFE IS A BROADWAY
ACTRESS.
YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV."

ACTRESS.
YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV."
I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD.

YOU NEVER TALK ABOUT HER ON TV."
I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD.
SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER

I DON'T SEE WHY I SHOULD.
SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER
PLAYS.

SHE NEVER MENTIONS ME IN HER
PLAYS.
OH, THERE'S MORE.

PLAYS.
OH, THERE'S MORE.
"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED

OH, THERE'S MORE.
"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED
TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?"

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE MARRIED
TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?"
YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER.

TO A BEAUTIFUL BLONDE DISH?"
YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]

YOU'D HAVE TO ASK HER.
[AUDIENCE GROANS]
"FIRST YOU APPEAR ON

[AUDIENCE GROANS]
"FIRST YOU APPEAR ON
'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS.

"FIRST YOU APPEAR ON
'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?"

'THE BIG EVENT' AND NOW THIS.
DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?"
[LAUGHTER]

DON'T YOU HAVE ANY TASTE?"
[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S

[LAUGHTER]
LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S
BETTER TO BE ON THEM.

LISTEN, A LOT OF SHOWS, IT'S
BETTER TO BE ON THEM.
THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND

BETTER TO BE ON THEM.
THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND
IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE.

THEY HAVE TO WATCH THEM, AND
IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE.
THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A

IT'S A BIG ADVANTAGE.
THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A
LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO

THIS SHOW'S FUN 'CAUSE YOU GET A
LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO
REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO

LOT OF EXERCISE, YOU GET NO
REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO
SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET

REHEARSAL, YOU RUN FROM SET TO
SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET
EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW

SET, AND THE NEXT DAY YOU GET
EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW
THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET.

EXERCISE 'CAUSE PEOPLE THROW
THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET.
THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO.

THINGS AT YOU ON THE STREET.
THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO.
"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO

THIS IS A FUN SHOW TO DO.
"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO
SHORT...

"HOW DOES IT FEEL TO BE SO
SHORT...
IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..."

SHORT...
IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..."
YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS,"

IN A WORLD OF MENTAL G-A-I..."
YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS,"
DID YOU?

YOU PROBABLY MEANT "GIANTS,"
DID YOU?
"I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR

DID YOU?
"I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR
TOWN ANYMORE.

"I DON'T LIKE TO COME TO YOUR
TOWN ANYMORE.
WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY

TOWN ANYMORE.
WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY
THESE DAYS?"

WHAT MAKES NEW YORK SO CRUMMY
THESE DAYS?"
UH, TOURISTS.

THESE DAYS?"
UH, TOURISTS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH, TOURISTS.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT.

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE

THANK YOU, I MUST REMEMBER THAT.
THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE
A STREETWALKER?"

THIS SAYS, "WOULD YOU PATRONIZE
A STREETWALKER?"
NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN

A STREETWALKER?"
NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN
EQUAL.

NO, I WOULD TREAT HER AS AN
EQUAL.
I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME

EQUAL.
I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME
RUNNING THROUGH THESE.

I DON'T KNOW... THERE'S A THEME
RUNNING THROUGH THESE.
"HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED

RUNNING THROUGH THESE.
"HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED
ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?"

"HAVE YOU EVER COMMITTED
ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?"
UM, NOT IN MY MIND.

ADULTERY IN YOUR MIND?"
UM, NOT IN MY MIND.
IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE.

UM, NOT IN MY MIND.
IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE.
"WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST

IT'S FAR TOO CROWDED THERE.
"WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST
CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND

"WHO DO YOU THINK HAS THE MOST
CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND
CARTER?"

CHARISMA BETWEEN FORD AND
CARTER?"
ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD

CARTER?"
ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD
AND CARTER...

ACTUALLY, ANYBODY BETWEEN FORD
AND CARTER...
WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA.

AND CARTER...
WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA.
[APPLAUSE]

WOULD APPEAR TO HAVE CHARISMA.
[APPLAUSE]
"I HEAR YOU WERE IN A

[APPLAUSE]
"I HEAR YOU WERE IN A
COMMERCIAL... WHICH?"

"I HEAR YOU WERE IN A
COMMERCIAL... WHICH?"
I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS.

COMMERCIAL... WHICH?"
I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS.
I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.

I ASSUMED EVERYBODY KNEW THIS.
I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.
"IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU

I'M THE PILLSBURY DOUGHBOY.
"IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU
WOULDN'T DO?"

"IS THERE ANY COMMERCIAL YOU
WOULDN'T DO?"
I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE

WOULDN'T DO?"
I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE
TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT.

I WOULD NOT BE THAT GUY IN THE
TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT.
HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN

TOILET IN THE LITTLE BOAT.
HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN
TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE

HE'S NOT THE ONLY PERSON IN
TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE
TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON

TELEVISION WHOSE CAREER'S IN THE
TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON
IT.

TOILET, BUT HE'S MAKING MONEY ON
IT.
"WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU

IT.
"WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU
AFFILIATED AT YALE?"

"WITH WHAT FRATERNITY WERE YOU
AFFILIATED AT YALE?"
I WASN'T IN ONE.

AFFILIATED AT YALE?"
I WASN'T IN ONE.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF...

I WASN'T IN ONE.
I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF...
I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT

I JUST DON'T LIKE THE IDEA OF...
I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT
WAS.

I COULDN'T AFFORD IT, IS WHAT IT
WAS.
BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE

WAS.
BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE
SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE.

BUT MY ROOMMATES AND I HAD THE
SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE.
WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND

SAME FUN AS IF WE WERE IN ONE.
WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND
DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH

WE, YOU KNOW, WOULD GET NUDE AND
DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH
OTHER.

DRINK BEER AND THROW UP ON EACH
OTHER.
[APPLAUSE]

OTHER.
[APPLAUSE]
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR

[APPLAUSE]
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR
VU?

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR
VU?
IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING

VU?
IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST

IF YOU DO, WAS THERE ANYTHING
THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST
THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?"

THAT'S HAPPENED IN YOUR PAST
THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?"
NO, I WISH THERE WERE.

THAT'S RECURRED RECENTLY?"
NO, I WISH THERE WERE.
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR

NO, I WISH THERE WERE.
"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR
VU..."

"DO YOU BELIEVE IN DéJà VE OR
VU..."
[LAUGHTER]

VU..."
[LAUGHTER]
LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR

[LAUGHTER]
LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR
SHIRT OFF. CATHY."

LADY SAYS, "PLEASE TAKE YOUR
SHIRT OFF. CATHY."
I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU,

SHIRT OFF. CATHY."
I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU,
CATHY.

I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU,
CATHY.
"YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS.

CATHY.
"YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS.
IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?"

"YOU'VE HAD BARBARA WALTERS.
IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?"
[LAUGHTER]

IS SHE WORTH $5 MILLION?"
[LAUGHTER]
SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE?

[LAUGHTER]
SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE?
OKAY.

SHALL I SKIP ON DOWN HERE?
OKAY.
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.

OKAY.
I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.
IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED

I DO NOT BELIEVE THIS.
IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED
QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN

IN ALL THE TIME I'VE BEEN ASKED
QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN
PROPORTION TO YOUR HEIGHT?"

QUESTIONS... "ARE YOU HUNG IN
PROPORTION TO YOUR HEIGHT?"
[LAUGHTER]

YOU WANT TO SEE IF IT'S ON
THERE?
THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT

THERE?
THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT
SAYING WHICH WAY.

THE RATIO IS 5 TO 1, BUT I'M NOT
SAYING WHICH WAY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.

SAYING WHICH WAY.
IT'S RIDICULOUS.
"HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH

IT'S RIDICULOUS.
"HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH
ROBERT REDFORD?"

"HOW DO YOU GET A DATE WITH
ROBERT REDFORD?"
I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A

ROBERT REDFORD?"
I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A
LOT.

I USUALLY DRESS SEXY AND HINT A
LOT.
SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.

LOT.
SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL

SAY, YOU'RE WONDERFUL.
LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL
WE?

LET'S DO THIS ALL AGAIN, SHALL
WE?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

WE?
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.

MESSAGE.
STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
[APPLAUSE]

"CANINE."
DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS.
GOOD.

DOUBLE-WORD SCORE, 21 POINTS.
GOOD.
CANINE.

GOOD.
CANINE.
GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND

CANINE.
GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND
LISTLESS LATELY.

GEE, SPARKY SEEMS SO DULL AND
LISTLESS LATELY.
I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG

LISTLESS LATELY.
I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG
WITH HIM.

I WONDER IF ANYTHING'S WRONG
WITH HIM.
MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE

WITH HIM.
MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE
LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT

MY DOG, SKIPPY, USED TO BE
LIKE THAT UNTIL I FOUND OUT
ABOUT PUPPY UPPERS.

PUPPY UPPERS PEP UP YOUR POOCH.

PLUS, THEY HELP CONTROL HIS

WEIGHT.

PUPPY UPPERS.

MIND IF I TRY ONE?

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

MMM.
SPARKY.
[BARKS]

SPARKY.
[BARKS]
"BONE."

[BARKS]
"BONE."
TRIPLE-WORD SCORE.

"BONE."
TRIPLE-WORD SCORE.
THAT'S 25 POINTS.

TRIPLE-WORD SCORE.
THAT'S 25 POINTS.
VERY GOOD.

THAT'S 25 POINTS.
VERY GOOD.
[BARKING]

VERY GOOD.
[BARKING]
OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY!

[BARKING]
OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY!
HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER.

OKAY. OKAY, SPARKY!
HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER.
[WHIMPERING]

HERE'S YOUR PUPPY UPPER.
[WHIMPERING]
MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I

[WHIMPERING]
MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I
THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A

MAYBE IT'S ME, JILL, BUT I
THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A
LITTLE TOO MUCH.

THINK SPARKY'S PERKED UP A
LITTLE TOO MUCH.
NO ARGUMENT THERE, JOY.

YOU KNOW, WHEN MY SKIPPY GETS

A LITTLE TOO FRISKY, I GIVE HIM

THESE... DOGGIE DOWNERS.

"DOGGIE DOWNERS.

MELLOWS OUT YOUR MUTT."

MIND IF I TRY ONE?

GO RIGHT AHEAD.

HMM.

[WHIMPERS]

[THUD]

THAT'S PUPPY UPPERS FOR WHEN

YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

AND DOGGIE DOWNERS FOR WHEN

YOUR DOG IS LIKE THIS.

FROM HOUND-DOZE.

[APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]
ORDER.
[GAVEL BANGS]

ORDER.
[GAVEL BANGS]
ORDER.

[GAVEL BANGS]
ORDER.
SO, UH, MR. DEAN.

ORDER.
SO, UH, MR. DEAN.
WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON

SO, UH, MR. DEAN.
WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON
A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE?

WOULD YOU STAND ON A... SWEAR ON
A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE?
ON THE BIBLE?

A BI... UM, UM, A BI... A BIBLE?
ON THE BIBLE?
A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT

ON THE BIBLE?
A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT
AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION

A BIBLE, THAT THE PRESIDENT
AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION
IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH...

AUTHORIZED THE USE OF $1 MILLION
IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH...
HUSH MONEY?

IN A HUSH, UM, UM, HUSH...
HUSH MONEY?
UM, MONEY?

HUSH MONEY?
UM, MONEY?
HUSH MONEY.

UM, MONEY?
HUSH MONEY.
THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES.

HUSH MONEY.
THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE

THAT IS CORRECT, SENATOR, YES.
ARE YOU AWARE OF THE
IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM,

ARE YOU AWARE OF THE
IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM,
UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM...

IMPLICATIONS OF WHAT YOU, UM,
UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM...
TESTIFIED, DIVULGED,

UM, OF WHAT YOU, UM...
TESTIFIED, DIVULGED,
ASSERTED, IMPLIED...

TESTIFIED, DIVULGED,
ASSERTED, IMPLIED...
UM...

ASSERTED, IMPLIED...
UM...
SOUNDS LIKE...

UM...
SOUNDS LIKE...
OF WHAT, UM...

SOUNDS LIKE...
OF WHAT, UM...
YOU JUST SAID!

OF WHAT, UM...
YOU JUST SAID!
YES, I AM.

YOU JUST SAID!
YES, I AM.
YES, I AM, SIR.

YES, I AM.
YES, I AM, SIR.
IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS

YES, I AM, SIR.
IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS
GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE

IT MEANS THAT THE PRESIDENT IS
GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT

GUILTY OF AN IMPEACHABLE
OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT
I CAN MAKE A BUNDLE BY WRITING A

OFFENSE, AND IT ALSO MEANS THAT
I CAN MAKE A BUNDLE BY WRITING A
BOOK ABOUT IT.

MY DECISION TO TESTIFY BEFORE
THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE WAS
MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL

THE SENATE SELECT COMMITTEE WAS
MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL
OF 1973.

MADE ON A FATEFUL DAY IN APRIL
OF 1973.
I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE

OF 1973.
I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE
WAITING TO TALK WITH THE

I WAS OUTSIDE THE OVAL OFFICE
WAITING TO TALK WITH THE
COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER

WAITING TO TALK WITH THE
COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER
OF THE FREE WORLD,

COMMANDER IN CHIEF, THE LEADER
OF THE FREE WORLD,
RICHARD M. NIXON.

OF THE FREE WORLD,
RICHARD M. NIXON.
SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS

RICHARD M. NIXON.
SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS
SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID,

SO, ROSEMARY, AS SOON AS
SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID,
"ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX,

SAMMY LEFT THE ROOM, I SAID,
"ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX,
COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM

"ALL HE WANTS IS GOOD SEX,
COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM
PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."

COMFORTABLE SHOES, AND A WARM
PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."
[BOTH LAUGH]

PLACE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM."
[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU

[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU
CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A

OH, MR. PRESIDENT, YOU
CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A
JOKE.

CERTAINLY KNOW HOW TO TELL A
JOKE.
YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT

JOKE.
YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT
ONE TO BUTZ.

YEAH, REMIND ME TO TELL THAT
ONE TO BUTZ.
HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND

ONE TO BUTZ.
HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND
AGAIN.

HE LOVES A GOOD JOKE NOW AND
AGAIN.
OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING,

AGAIN.
OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING,
SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO

OH, NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING,
SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO
THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT?

SO, WE'RE READY IF HE SINGS TO
THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT?
UH, YES.

THAT WOP SIRICA, RIGHT?
UH, YES.
[German accent]

UH, YES.
[German accent]
MR. PRESIDENT.

[German accent]
MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT.

MR. PRESIDENT.
MR. PRESIDENT.
HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN

MR. PRESIDENT.
HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN
HERE LIKE THIS!

HENRY, YOU CAN'T BARGE IN
HERE LIKE THIS!
BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS

HERE LIKE THIS!
BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY.

BUT, MR. PRESIDENT, THIS IS
AN EMERGENCY.
BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND

AN EMERGENCY.
BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND
TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST.

BREZHNEV IS THREATENING TO SEND
TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.

TROOPS INTO THE MIDDLE EAST.
WELL, I DON'T CARE.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.

WELL, I DON'T CARE.
DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY

DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY
MIND.

I'VE GOT A MILLION THINGS ON MY
MIND.
OH-HO.

MIND.
OH-HO.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T

OH-HO.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T
SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE.

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU SHOULDN'T
SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE.
HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY,

SPEND SO MUCH TIME ON WATERGATE.
HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY,
PLEASE!

HENRY, NOT NOW, I'M BUSY,
PLEASE!
OH, YOU'RE BUSY?

PLEASE!
OH, YOU'RE BUSY?
WELL, I QUIT.

OH, YOU'RE BUSY?
WELL, I QUIT.
SEE YOU LATER, PAL.

WELL, I QUIT.
SEE YOU LATER, PAL.
NO! DON'T QUIT!

SEE YOU LATER, PAL.
NO! DON'T QUIT!
I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND.

NO! DON'T QUIT!
I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

I'M BLOWING THIS POP STAND.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
PLEASE, DON'T QUIT.

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
PLEASE, DON'T QUIT.
I NEED YOU, HENRY.

PLEASE, DON'T QUIT.
I NEED YOU, HENRY.
I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.

I NEED YOU, HENRY.
I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.
ANYTHING I WANT?

I'LL GIVE YOU ANYTHING YOU WANT.
ANYTHING I WANT?
YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT.

ANYTHING I WANT?
YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT.
ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY.

YEAH, WHATEVER YOU WANT.
ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY.
PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME

ANYTHING YOU WANT, HENRY.
PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME
NOW.

PLEASE, JUST DON'T QUIT ON ME
NOW.
HOW 'BOUT A RAISE?

NOW.
HOW 'BOUT A RAISE?
OKAY, YOU GOT IT.

HOW 'BOUT A RAISE?
OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
I GOT A RAISE?

OKAY, YOU GOT IT.
I GOT A RAISE?
UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY.

I GOT A RAISE?
UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY.
NO PROBLEM.

UH, I WANT A SILVER STINGRAY.
NO PROBLEM.
I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE

NO PROBLEM.
I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE
BLUE ROOM.

I WANT TO TAKE GIRLS INTO THE
BLUE ROOM.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.

BLUE ROOM.
GO RIGHT AHEAD.
AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A

GO RIGHT AHEAD.
AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A
COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T

AND I WANT TO PLAY GOLF IN A
COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T
ALLOW JEWS.

COUNTRY CLUB WHERE THEY DON'T
ALLOW JEWS.
GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE

ALLOW JEWS.
GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE
TOUGH.

GEE, HENRY, THAT MIGHT BE
TOUGH.
I-I DON'T KNOW.

TOUGH.
I-I DON'T KNOW.
SORRY, PAL.

I-I DON'T KNOW.
SORRY, PAL.
NICE WORKING WITH YOU.

SORRY, PAL.
NICE WORKING WITH YOU.
SEE YOU LATER.

NICE WORKING WITH YOU.
SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!

SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT!
I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH
BILLY GRAHAM AND

I'LL PUT YOU IN A FOURSOME WITH
BILLY GRAHAM AND
FRANK FITZSIMMONS.

BILLY GRAHAM AND
FRANK FITZSIMMONS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE

FRANK FITZSIMMONS.
ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING.

ALL RIGHT, NOW YOU'RE
TALKING.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH...

TALKING.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH...
HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TALK TO, UH...
HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS?
CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT?

HOW 'BOUT THE WIRETAPS?
CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT?
ANYBODY YOU WANT.

CAN I WIRETAP ANYBODY I WANT?
ANYBODY YOU WANT.
OH, GOOD.

ANYBODY YOU WANT.
OH, GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE

OH, GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE
BREZHNEV THING.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE
BREZHNEV THING.
I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM

BREZHNEV THING.
I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM
OFF.

I'LL TALK TO HIM, I'LL COOL HIM
OFF.
GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.

OFF.
GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
ROSEMARY.

GOOD. GOOD. GOOD.
ROSEMARY.
ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO

ROSEMARY.
ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
TELL YOU THIS.

ROSEMARY, I'VE ALWAYS WANTED TO
TELL YOU THIS.
BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU

TELL YOU THIS.
BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU
ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE.

BUT FOR A WOMAN YOUR AGE, YOU
ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE.
WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC

ARE EXTREMELY UNATTRACTIVE.
WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC
OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER.

WELL, THAT'S VERY DIPLOMATIC
OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER.
NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE,

OF YOU, MR. KISSINGER.
NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE,
HENRY, PLEASE.

NOW, JUST GET OUT OF HERE,
HENRY, PLEASE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HENRY, PLEASE.
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT!

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
ALL RIGHT!
NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING.

ALL RIGHT!
NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING.
UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

NOW, ABOUT THIS DEAN THING.
UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE.

UM, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE.
NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER

HE'S WAITING OUTSIDE.
NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER
OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED

NOW, I'VE TYPED UP THIS LETTER
OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED
BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN

OF RESIGNATION THAT WAS DRAFTED
BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN
TO SIGN.

BY MR. EHRLICHMAN FOR MR. DEAN
TO SIGN.
MMM, GOOD. GOOD.

TO SIGN.
MMM, GOOD. GOOD.
IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE.

MMM, GOOD. GOOD.
IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE.
OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU

IF HE SIGNS THIS, I'M HOME FREE.
OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU
TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE,

OH, AND, ROSEMARY, WOULD YOU
TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE,
PLEASE?

TURN ON THE TAPE MACHINE,
PLEASE?
OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

PLEASE?
OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
MM-HMM.

OH, YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
MM-HMM.
[CHUCKLES]

MM-HMM.
[CHUCKLES]
I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO

[CHUCKLES]
I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO
INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME

I'M GONNA TRY TO GET DEAN TO
INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME
LOOK INNOCENT.

INCRIMINATE HIMSELF AND MAKE ME
LOOK INNOCENT.
A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS

LOOK INNOCENT.
A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS
EVIDENCE.

A TAPE COULD COME IN HANDY AS
EVIDENCE.
YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

EVIDENCE.
YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS

YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS
TAPING SYSTEM IS.

BOY, WHAT A GREAT IDEA THIS
TAPING SYSTEM IS.
HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN

TAPING SYSTEM IS.
HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN
LOOK STUPID!

HO, BOY, AM I GONNA MAKE DEAN
LOOK STUPID!
OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN

LOOK STUPID!
OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN
IDIOT!

OH, IS HE GONNA LOOK LIKE AN
IDIOT!
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS,

IDIOT!
OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS,
MR. PRESIDENT.

OH, YOU'RE A GENIUS,
MR. PRESIDENT.
YES, I AM.

MR. PRESIDENT.
YES, I AM.
NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE,

YES, I AM.
NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE,
THERE'S NO WAY I COULD

NOW, ONCE I GET DEAN ON TAPE,
THERE'S NO WAY I COULD
ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE?

THERE'S NO WAY I COULD
ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE?
OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY

ACCIDENTALLY ERASE IT, IS THERE?
OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY
AND RECORD.

OH, NO, ALL IT CAN DO IS PLAY
AND RECORD.
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE

AND RECORD.
I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE
IT ACCIDENTALLY.

I'M THE ONLY ONE WHO COULD ERASE
IT ACCIDENTALLY.
OH, GOOD.

IT ACCIDENTALLY.
OH, GOOD.
THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE

OH, GOOD.
THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE
LOYAL.

THANKS, ROSEMARY, YOU SURE ARE
LOYAL.
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

LOYAL.
THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU,

THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU,
PLEASE?

NOW SEND DEAN IN, WILL YOU,
PLEASE?
OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE

PLEASE?
OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE
THING.

OH, MR. PRESIDENT, ONE MORE
THING.
BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK

THING.
BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK
INTO THE LAMP.

BE SURE TO HAVE MR. DEAN TALK
INTO THE LAMP.
OKAY. UH-HUH.

INTO THE LAMP.
OKAY. UH-HUH.
TESTING.

OKAY. UH-HUH.
TESTING.
TESTING, ONE, TWO.

TESTING.
TESTING, ONE, TWO.
TESTING, ONE, TWO.

TESTING, ONE, TWO.
TESTING, ONE, TWO.
♪ ONCE THERE WAS

TESTING, ONE, TWO.
♪ ONCE THERE WAS
A SILLY OLD RAM ♪

♪ ONCE THERE WAS
A SILLY OLD RAM ♪
♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN

A SILLY OLD RAM ♪
♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN
THAT DAM ♪

♪ THOUGHT HE'D KNOCK A HOLE IN
THAT DAM ♪
♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM

THAT DAM ♪
♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM
SCRAM ♪

♪ NO ONE COULD MAKE THAT RAM
SCRAM ♪
♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪

SCRAM ♪
♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪

♪ HE KEPT HITTING THAT DAM ♪
♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪
♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪

♪ 'CAUSE HE HAD HIGH HOPES ♪
♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪
JOHN!

♪ HE HAD HIGH... ♪
JOHN!
WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING

JOHN!
WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING
HERE, SINGING TO RELAX.

WELL, JOHN, I-I WAS JUST SITTING
HERE, SINGING TO RELAX.
I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE

HERE, SINGING TO RELAX.
I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE
BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY

I'VE BEEN WORKING SO HARD ON THE
BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY
AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS

BUSINESS OF RUNNING THE COUNTRY
AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS
AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T

AND NATIONAL SECURITY MATTERS
AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T
HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT

AND SUCH THAT I REALLY HAVEN'T
HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT
WATERGATE.

HAD TIME TO THINK ABOUT
WATERGATE.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY

WATERGATE.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY
CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I ONLY
CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO
SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO

CAME TO SAY THAT I WANT TO
SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND,

SAY... WELL, I DON'T KNOW HOW TO
PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND,
DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL?

PUT THIS, BUT YOU DO UNDERSTAND,
DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL?
JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH

DON'T YOU, THAT I'M LOYAL?
JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH
WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME

JOHN, YOU REMEMBER IN MARCH
WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME
THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING

WHEN YOU CAME IN AND TOLD ME
THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING
IN THE PRESIDENCY?

THAT THERE WAS A CANCER GROWING
IN THE PRESIDENCY?
I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES.

IN THE PRESIDENCY?
I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES.
YES, I DO.

I CERTAINLY DO, SIR, YES.
YES, I DO.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I

YES, I DO.
THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I
HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT?

THAT WAS THE FIRST TIME I
HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD

HEARD ABOUT IT, RIGHT?
WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD
BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE

WELL, YES, THAT... THAT WOULD
BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE
THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR.

BE TRUE IF YOU DO CHOOSE TO TAKE
THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST

THAT LINE OF DEFENSE, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST
CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY

THAT'S WHY I BELIEVE YOU MUST
CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY
FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT

CLEAR THE AIR BECAUSE IT'S MY
FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT
STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY.

FEELING THAT SIRICA WILL NOT
STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY.
JOHN, I KNOW THAT

STOP AT HUNT AND LIDDY.
JOHN, I KNOW THAT
JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND

JOHN, I KNOW THAT
JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND
FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF

JUDGE JOHN SIRICA IS A FINE AND
FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF
THE ITALIAN PEOPLE.

FAIR JURIST IN THE TRADITION OF
THE ITALIAN PEOPLE.
SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT

THE ITALIAN PEOPLE.
SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT
I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE

SIR, I JUST HOPE NOTHING THAT
I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE
PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL

I WOULD EVER SAY COULD LEAD THE
PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL
FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT.

PROSECUTORS TO, WELL, TO CALL
FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT.
JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST

FOR YOUR IMPEACHMENT.
JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST
TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY

JOHN, YOU KNOW, THE FIRST
TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY
OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE

TIME I UNDERSTOOD THE SANCTITY
OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE
HAD HIS HEART ATTACK.

OF THE PRESIDENCY WAS AFTER IKE
HAD HIS HEART ATTACK.
I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK

HAD HIS HEART ATTACK.
I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK
HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,

I SAT BEHIND THIS VERY DESK
HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,
"SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY

HERE, AND I SAID TO MYSELF,
"SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY
OWN PRESIDENCY.

"SOMEDAY I'M GOING TO HAVE MY
OWN PRESIDENCY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES

OWN PRESIDENCY.
THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES
MADE.

THERE'S GOING TO BE SOME CHANGES
MADE.
I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

MADE.
I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
OH, NOTHING.

I'M... "WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?
OH, NOTHING.
I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING

OH, NOTHING.
I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING
THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES

I JUST COULDN'T HELP NOTICING
THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES
ARE TITLED "MACBETH,"

THAT YOUR SHAKESPEARE VOLUMES
ARE TITLED "MACBETH,"
"ROMEO AND JULIET,"

ARE TITLED "MACBETH,"
"ROMEO AND JULIET,"
"RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD,

"ROMEO AND JULIET,"
"RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD,
REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT

"RECORD, STOP, FAST-FORWARD,
REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT
OF VENICE," SIR.

REWIND," AND "THE MERCHANT
OF VENICE," SIR.
YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE

OF VENICE," SIR.
YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE
AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?

YEAH, WELL, JOHN, COME HERE
AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE.

AND SIT DOWN, WILL YOU, PLEASE?
JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE.
SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE.

JUST SIT IN MY CHAIR HERE.
SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE.
JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU

SEE HOW IT FEELS, AS IT WERE.
JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU
KNOW?

JUST RELAX FOR A MOMENT, YOU
KNOW?
YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN

KNOW?
YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN
MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A

YOU KNOW, MY AUNT WHO LIVES IN
MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A
HANDWRITING ANALYST.

MODESTO, CALIFORNIA, SHE'S A
HANDWRITING ANALYST.
SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF,

HANDWRITING ANALYST.
SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF,
AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF

SHE DOES IT AS A HOBBY, SORT OF,
AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF
SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG

AND, WELL, SHE'D BE THRILLED IF
SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG
HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU

SHE HAD YOUR SIGNATURE AMONG
HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER

HER COLLECTION, SO WHY DON'T YOU
JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER
AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE?

JUST SIGN THIS PIECE OF PAPER
AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE?
SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT.

AND I'LL SEND IT UP THERE?
SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT.
JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT...

SHE'D GET A BIG KICK OUT OF IT.
JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT...
JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D

JUST PUT MY NAME RIGHT...
JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D
GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP.

JUST PUT YOUR NAME... SHE'D
GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP.
WAIT A MINUTE.

GET A BIG... SHE FRAMES THEM UP.
WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS A LETTER.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS A LETTER.
"DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE

THIS IS A LETTER.
"DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE
ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION

"DEAR MR. PRESIDENT, PLEASE
ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION
BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR

ACCEPT MY IMMEDIATE RESIGNATION
BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THE WATERGATE COVER-UP.

BECAUSE OF MY RESPONSIBILITY FOR
THE WATERGATE COVER-UP.
ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN

THE WATERGATE COVER-UP.
ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN
CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T.

ALSO FOR THE SECRET WAR IN
CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T.
INCIDENT.

CAMBODIA AND THE I.T.T.
INCIDENT.
EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW

INCIDENT.
EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW
NOTHING.

EHRLICHMAN AND HALDEMAN KNEW
NOTHING.
I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR

NOTHING.
I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR
HEART TO FORGIVE ME.

I JUST HOPE YOU FIND IT IN YOUR
HEART TO FORGIVE ME.
I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG.

HEART TO FORGIVE ME.
I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG.
YOU ARE NOT A CROOK.

I AM NOT A BOTTOM-DWELLING SLUG.
YOU ARE NOT A CROOK.
SIGNED JOHN DEAN."

YOU ARE NOT A CROOK.
SIGNED JOHN DEAN."
BUT...

SIGNED JOHN DEAN."
BUT...
WHAT?!

BUT...
WHAT?!
WHAT?!

WHAT?!
WHAT?!
LET ME SEE THAT!

WHAT?!
LET ME SEE THAT!
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?!

LET ME SEE THAT!
ISN'T THAT WEIRD?!
WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?

ISN'T THAT WEIRD?!
WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN.

WELL, ISN'T THAT SOMETHING?
THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN.
THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW

THAT REALLY IS A MYSTERY, JOHN.
THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW
ONE, JOHN.

THAT'S A STUMPER IF EVER I SAW
ONE, JOHN.
WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE!

ONE, JOHN.
WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE!
WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING...

WHY, ISN'T THAT STRANGE!
WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING...
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I

WHY, I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYTHING...
THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I
SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON.

THAT WAS THE LAST TIME I
SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON.
A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A

SPOKE WITH RICHARD NIXON.
A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A
NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE

A YEAR AND A HALF LATER FOUND A
NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE
AND ME AT HOLABIRD

NEW PRESIDENT IN THE WHITE HOUSE
AND ME AT HOLABIRD
MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.

AND ME AT HOLABIRD
MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.
IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY

MINIMUM-SECURITY PRISON.
IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY
WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME.

IT WAS VISITING DAY, AND MY
WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]

WIFE, MO, HAD COME TO SEE ME.
[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?

[TYPEWRITER CLACKING]
HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?
OH, HELLO, MO.

HOW'S THE BOOK COMING?
OH, HELLO, MO.
JUST GREAT.

OH, HELLO, MO.
JUST GREAT.
IT'S DOING NICELY.

JUST GREAT.
IT'S DOING NICELY.
HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER?

IT'S DOING NICELY.
HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER?
NO, WHY?

HAVE YOU SEEN TODAY'S PAPER?
NO, WHY?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NO, WHY?
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
ON THE FRONT?

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
ON THE FRONT?
"FORD PARDONS NIXON"?!

ON THE FRONT?
"FORD PARDONS NIXON"?!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.

"FORD PARDONS NIXON"?!
I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL

I DON'T BELIEVE IT.
THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL
NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING.

THEN, ONLY NIXON... WELL, HE'LL
NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD

NEVER HAVE TO ADMIT ANYTHING.
DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD
IN YOUR BOOK?

DO YOU HAVE ANYTHING ON FORD
IN YOUR BOOK?
YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF

IN YOUR BOOK?
YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF
THINGS.

YES, I DO... A COUPLE OF
THINGS.
FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN

THINGS.
FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN
'76.

FORD WILL PROBABLY RUN IN
'76.
YEAH?

'76.
YEAH?
WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR

YEAH?
WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR
BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION?

WHY DON'T YOU RELEASE YOUR
BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

BOOK RIGHT BEFORE THE ELECTION?
THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG

THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.
THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG
SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE

THAT'LL ENSURE TWO THINGS... BIG
SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE
PRESIDENCY FOR HUBERT HUMPHREY.

SALES FOR MY BOOK AND THE
PRESIDENCY FOR HUBERT HUMPHREY.
[APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLES]
MADAM AND MONSIEUR, RY COODER,
RIGHT HERE.

MADAM AND MONSIEUR, RY COODER,
RIGHT HERE.
[INTRO TO "TATTLER" PLAYS]

♪ WHENEVER YOU FIND A MAN
THAT LOVES EVERY WOMAN HE SEES ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND

THAT LOVES EVERY WOMAN HE SEES ♪
♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND
OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP

♪ WELL, THERE'S ALWAYS SOME KIND
OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP
A TREE ♪

OF WOMAN THAT'S A-PUTTIN' HIM UP
A TREE ♪
♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN,

A TREE ♪
♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN,
HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE

♪ NOW, THAT KIND OF MAN,
HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE
AS A MULE ♪

HE AIN'T GOT AS MUCH SENSE
AS A MULE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN

AS A MULE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN
DON'T LOVE YOU ♪

♪ WELL, YOU KNOW EVERY WOMAN
DON'T LOVE YOU ♪
♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU

DON'T LOVE YOU ♪
♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU
FOR A FOOL ♪

♪ THEY'RE JUST A-PLAYIN' YOU
FOR A FOOL ♪
♪ MMM ♪

FOR A FOOL ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST
THAT YOU CAN ♪

♪ IF YOU MARRY THE WRONG KIND OF
WOMAN AND YOU GET WHERE YOU
CAN'T AGREE ♪

WOMAN AND YOU GET WHERE YOU
CAN'T AGREE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET

CAN'T AGREE ♪
♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET
YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪

♪ WELL, YOU JUST AS WELL TO GET
YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪
♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD

YOUR HAT AND LET THAT WOMAN BE ♪
♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD
HUSBANDS ♪

♪ BUT MEN OUGHT TO MAKE GOOD
HUSBANDS ♪
♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST

HUSBANDS ♪
♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST
LIFE ♪

♪ QUIT TRYIN' TO LEAD A FAST
LIFE ♪
♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER

LIFE ♪
♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER
WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES

♪ GOIN' ABOUT DRESSIN' UP OTHER
WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES
ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪

WOMEN WON'T PUT CLOTHES
ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪
♪ MMM ♪

ON HIS OWN WIFE ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD

♪ MMM ♪
♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ OH, NO, IT'S NOT HARD
FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

FOR YOU TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST
THAT YOU CAN ♪

♪ NOW, THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD
WOMEN WHO WANTS TO MARRY ♪
♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL

WOMEN WHO WANTS TO MARRY ♪
♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL
AT HOME ♪

♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL
AT HOME ♪
♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL

AT HOME ♪
♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL
MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪

♪ BUT THEY'RE 'FRAID THEY'LL
MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪
♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪

MIGHT GET HOLD OF A ROWDY MAN ♪
♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪
♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN

♪ CAN'T LET OTHER WOMEN ALONE ♪
♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN
NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪

♪ AND THERE'S LOTS OF GOOD MEN
NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪
♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL

NOW WANTS TO MARRY ♪
♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL
AT HOME ♪

♪ AND THEY WANTS TO LIVE WELL
AT HOME ♪
♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR

AT HOME ♪
♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR
BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE

♪ BUT EVERY TIME THEY TURN THEIR
BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE
ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪

BACK, THERE'S A MAN THERE
ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪
♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪

ASKIN', "DARLIN', IS HE GONE?" ♪
♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪
♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪
♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST
THAT YOU CAN ♪

HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST
THAT YOU CAN ♪
♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪

THAT YOU CAN ♪
♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪
♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU

♪ MMM, OH, NO ♪
♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ IT'S NOT HARD FOR YOU
TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET

TO UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST

♪ TRUE LOVE CAN BE SUCH A SWEET
HARMONY IF YOU DO THE BEST
THAT YOU CAN ♪

[APPLAUSE]

NEXT WEEK, PAUL SIMON RETURNS
TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT."
HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE

TO HOST "SATURDAY NIGHT."
HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE
GEORGE HARRISON.

HIS SPECIAL GUEST WILL BE
GEORGE HARRISON.
IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC.

GEORGE HARRISON.
IT'S GONNA BE TERRIFIC.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
JANE CURTIN.

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... THE
POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT
IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT

POST OFFICE ANNOUNCED TODAY THAT
IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT
IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP

IN HONOR OF THE BICENTENNIAL, IT
IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP
COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN

IS GOING TO REISSUE A STAMP
COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN
THE UNITED STATES.

COMMEMORATING PROSTITUTION IN
THE UNITED STATES.
IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU

THE UNITED STATES.
IT'S A 10-CENT STAMP, BUT IF YOU
WANT TO LICK IT, IT'S A QUARTER.

FOLLOWING THE FINAL ELECTION
RETURNS LAST WEEK, GERALD FORD
MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO

RETURNS LAST WEEK, GERALD FORD
MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO
RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE.

MADE A PRIVATE TELEPHONE CALL TO
RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE.
OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX-

RICHARD NIXON AT SAN CLEMENTE.
OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX-
AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT

OUR SOURCES REPORT THAT THE EX-
AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT
DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING

AND SOON-TO-BE EX-PRESIDENT
DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING
TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T

DISCUSSED PLANS FOR RUNNING
TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T
DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN.

TOGETHER IN 1980 BUT COULDN'T
DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN.
NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER,

DECIDE WHAT COUNTRY TO DO IT IN.
NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER,
PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED

NOW THAT THE ELECTIONS ARE OVER,
PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED
ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN

PEOPLE ARE OBVIOUSLY EXCITED
ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN
ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT

ABOUT THE IMPENDING CHANGE IN
ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT
CAUTION, HOWEVER.

ADMINISTRATIONS, BUT NOT WITHOUT
CAUTION, HOWEVER.
STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING

CAUTION, HOWEVER.
STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING
THROUGH THE STREETS OF

STUDENTS ARE SHOWN HERE PARADING
THROUGH THE STREETS OF
WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF

THROUGH THE STREETS OF
WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF
JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED

WASHINGTON WITH THE HEAD OF
JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED
AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER

JERRY FORD, WHO THEY DECAPITATED
AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER
THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF.

AS A WARNING TO JIMMY CARTER
THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF.
MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING

THAT HE'D BETTER WATCH HIMSELF.
MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING
SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS

MANY REPUBLICANS ARE BLAMING
SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS
OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.

SENATOR ROBERT DOLE FOR THE LOSS
OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS

OF THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION.
DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS
RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS

DOLE DENIES THAT HE WAS A MINUS
RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS
YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF

RATHER THAN A PLUS ON THIS
YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF
IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE

YEAR'S TICKET BY SAYING THAT IF
IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE
AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS

IT HAD BEEN CARTER/MONDALE
AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS
WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE

AGAINST JUST FORD, MANY VOTERS
WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE
PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A

WOULD HAVE CRITICIZED THE
PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A
RUNNING MATE.

PRESIDENT FOR NOT HAVING A
RUNNING MATE.
WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE

RUNNING MATE.
WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE
WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS

WELL, THE LARGEST PRIEST IN THE
WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS
WEEK.

WORLD TURNED VENTRILOQUIST THIS
WEEK.
A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL

WEEK.
A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL
BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND

A HIGHLIGHT OF HIS NEW ACT WILL
BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND
SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE

BE DRINKING A GLASS OF WINE AND
SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE
SAME TIME.

SINGING "I GOTTA BE ME" AT THE
SAME TIME.
ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A

SAME TIME.
ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A
COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA,

ACTRESS SALLY FIELD IS MAKING A
COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA,
"SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC.

COMEBACK IN A 4-HOUR DRAMA,
"SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC.
ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL"

"SYBIL," TO BE TELEVISED ON NBC.
ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL"
IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK

ADAPTED FROM THE BOOK, "SYBIL"
IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK
REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT

IS THE STORY OF A WOMAN WHO TOOK
REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES.

REFUGE IN 16 DIFFERENT
PERSONALITIES.
SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF

PERSONALITIES.
SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF
THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS

SALLY WELCOMES THE CHALLENGE OF
THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS
COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE

THIS ROLE AND FEELS SHE IS
COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE
RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER...

COMPETENT TO PULL IT OFF, AS SHE
RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER...
"THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE

RECENTLY TOLD THIS REPORTER...
"THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE
HERE.

"THANK YOU, IT'S NICE TO BE
HERE.
SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM?

HERE.
SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM?
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE

SHOULD I CHECK YOUR OIL, MA'AM?
AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE
JEOPARDY.

AND NOW IT'S TIME TO PLAY DOUBLE
JEOPARDY.
WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.'

JEOPARDY.
WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.'
[SPEAKING FRENCH]

WE'LL CALL THE BABY 'JESUS.'
[SPEAKING FRENCH]
FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE

[SPEAKING FRENCH]
FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE
AND COME TO BED!

FRANKLIN, STOP PLAYING WITH FIRE
AND COME TO BED!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AND COME TO BED!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I DO.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
I DO.
WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?

I DO.
WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

WHO WAS THAT MASKED MAN?
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND
DADDY WARBUCKS!

COME ON, SANDY, WE GOTTA FIND
DADDY WARBUCKS!
$20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL.

DADDY WARBUCKS!
$20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL.
EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY.

$20 FOR ME, $10 FOR THE HOTEL.
EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY.
HEY, ABBOTT!

EVERY BOY WANTS A HASBRO TOY.
HEY, ABBOTT!
I AM NOT A CROOK.

HEY, ABBOTT!
I AM NOT A CROOK.
LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY!

I AM NOT A CROOK.
LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY!
AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL

LASSIE, IT'S ME, TIMMY!
AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL
NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN."

AND AS GOD AS MY WITNESS, I'LL
NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN."
[APPLAUSE]

NEVER BE HUNGRY AGAIN."
[APPLAUSE]
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST

[APPLAUSE]
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST
CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO.

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST
CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO.
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST...

CHURCH, WHICH... HELLO.
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST...
HELLO.

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST...
HELLO.
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST

HELLO.
MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST
CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS

MEMBERS OF THE PLAINS BAPTIST
CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS
ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET

CHURCH, WHICH JIMMY CARTER HAS
ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET
TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON

ATTENDED ALL HIS LIFE, WILL MEET
TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON
WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS

TOMORROW MORNING TO DECIDE ON
WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS
TO THE CONGREGATION.

WHETHER OR NOT TO ADMIT BLACKS
TO THE CONGREGATION.
VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC

TO THE CONGREGATION.
VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC
ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE

VILLAGE RESIDENTS ARE OPTIMISTIC
ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE
CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING

ABOUT THE DECISION, AS THE
CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING
STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH

CHURCH BAPTISMAL BASIN IS BEING
STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH
ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE

STOCKED THIS WEEK WITH
ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE
FLORIDA EVERGLADES.

ALLIGATORS SHIPPED IN FROM THE
FLORIDA EVERGLADES.
WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT

FLORIDA EVERGLADES.
WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT
CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO.

WE COULD TRY THAT AGAIN ON THAT
CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO.
IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT

CAMERA AND SEE IF... OH, HELLO.
IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT
WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH

IN A TRAGIC NOTE THIS WEEK, IT
WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH
OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY

WAS DISCOVERED THAT THE DEATH
OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY
A SUICIDE.

OF SMOKEY THE BEAR WAS ACTUALLY
A SUICIDE.
THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS

A SUICIDE.
THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS
DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING

THE VETERAN FIREFIGHTER WAS
DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING
HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS

DESPONDENT OVER HIS FAILING
HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS
DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA.

HEALTH, A CONDITION DOCTORS
DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA.
SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST

DESCRIBED AS CHRONIC INSOMNIA.
SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST
THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM

SMOKEY HADN'T SLEPT FOR THE PAST
THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM
RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE

THREE WINTERS, LEAVING HIM
RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE
INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS

RESTLESS, CONFUSED, AND QUITE
INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS
SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ,

INCOHERENT, AS INDICATED IN HIS
SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ,
"REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT

SUICIDE NOTE WHICH READ,
"REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT
FORREST TUCKER."

"REMEMBER, ONLY YOU CAN PREVENT
FORREST TUCKER."
FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE

FORREST TUCKER."
FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE
YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL

FOR MORE ON THIS STORY, WE TAKE
YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL
FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH

YOU NOW TO LINCOLN NATIONAL
FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH
CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

FOREST IN NEW MEXICO, WITH
CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.
[CRICKETS CHIRPING]

JANE, I'M STANDING HERE IN

NEW MEXICO AT THE SITE OF THE

FUNERAL FOR SMOKEY THE BEAR.

IT WAS A TOUCHING SERVICE
ATTENDED BY CLOSE FRIENDS AS
WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING

ATTENDED BY CLOSE FRIENDS AS
WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING
BAMBI, THUMPER,

WELL AS CELEBRITIES INCLUDING
BAMBI, THUMPER,
PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX,

BAMBI, THUMPER,
PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX,
MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER.

PETER COTTONTAIL, REDD FOXX,
MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER.
YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE,

MAX BAER, AND BEAVER CLEAVER.
YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE,
SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE

YOU KNOW, ODDLY ENOUGH, JANE,
SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE
CREMATED.

SMOKEY'S LAST REQUEST WAS TO BE
CREMATED.
HE WANTED IT THAT WAY.

CREMATED.
HE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED

HE WANTED IT THAT WAY.
SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED
ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT

SMOKEY WAS ALWAYS CONCERNED
ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT
HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP

ABOUT ECOLOGY AND FIGURED THAT
HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP
PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A

HIS REMAINS SHOULD NOT TAKE UP
PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A
BURIAL.

PRECIOUS LAND SPACE WITH A
BURIAL.
SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS,

BURIAL.
SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS,
JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL

SO A SIMPLE CREMATION IT IS,
JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL
SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT

JANE, AS THIS BELOVED CIVIL
SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT
DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN.

SERVANT IS NOW GONE BUT
DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN.
AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO

DEFINITELY NOT FORGOTTEN.
AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO
SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND

AND SO, SMOKEY THE BEAR, WHO
SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND
A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE

SPENT HIS LIFE PROWLIN' AND
A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE
AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE

A-GROWLIN' AND A-SNIFFIN' THE
AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE
BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME,

AIR, HE COULD SMELL A FIRE
BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME,
THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM,

BEFORE IT STARTS TO FLAME,
THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM,
SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS

THAT'S THE WAY THEY CALL HIM,
SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS
NAME.

SMOKEY, THAT'S HOW HE GOT HIS
NAME.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.

NAME.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.
[APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, JANE.
[APPLAUSE]
AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO

[APPLAUSE]
AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO
ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON

AND WITH SMOKEY'S DEATH, SO
ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON
FOREST FIRES.

ENDS THE 26-YEAR MORATORIUM ON
FOREST FIRES.
A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY...

FOREST FIRES.
A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY...
WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED

A POSTSCRIPT TO THIS STORY...
WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED
THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS

WEEKEND UPDATE HAS JUST LEARNED
THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS
FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE

THAT SMOKEY'S JOB AS
FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE
TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN

FIRE-PREVENTION SYMBOL WILL BE
TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN
GENE SHALIT.

TAKEN OVER BY NBC's OWN
GENE SHALIT.
[APPLAUSE]

GENE SHALIT.
[APPLAUSE]
STILL TO COME... GENERAL

[APPLAUSE]
STILL TO COME... GENERAL
WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY

STILL TO COME... GENERAL
WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY
TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER

WILLIAM WESTMORELAND ON HIS WAY
TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.

TO A UTAH FIRING SQUAD AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.
["THE MARINES' HYMN" PLAYING]

[MUSIC CONTINUES]

Announcer: THE MARINES...

[APPLAUSE]

OUR FINAL STORY IS THE KIND
OF STORY WE LIKE TO SEE IN THIS
AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT

OF STORY WE LIKE TO SEE IN THIS
AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT
NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST

AGE WHEN ALL YOU HEAR ABOUT
NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST
DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.

NEW YORKERS IS THAT THEY JUST
DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.
WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ

DON'T WANT TO GET INVOLVED.
WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ
WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH

WELL, VIETNAM VET TONY HERNANDEZ
WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH
BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN

WAS WALKING HOME TO HIS SOUTH
BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN
HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF

BRONX APARTMENT LAST NIGHT WHEN
HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF
23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS

HE HEARD THE SCREAMS OF
23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS
BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A

23-YEAR-OLD VICKY HAMEL, WHO WAS
BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A
300-POUND ASSAILANT.

BEING RAPED AT KNIFEPOINT BY A
300-POUND ASSAILANT.
WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE

300-POUND ASSAILANT.
WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE
ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH,

WELL, HERNANDEZ INTERCEDED, THE
ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH,
AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL.

ASSAILANT KNIFED HIM TO DEATH,
AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL.
YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE

AND CONTINUED WITH MISS HAMEL.
YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE
THAT ANYMORE.

YOU JUST DON'T HEAR STORIES LIKE
THAT ANYMORE.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT ANYMORE.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
[APPLAUSE]

[CHURCH ORGAN PLAYING]
[Irish accent] ALL OF US AT
ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A

[Irish accent] ALL OF US AT
ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A
CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE

ONE TIME OR ANOTHER REACH A
CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE
WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING

CROSSROAD, A TIME TO DECIDE
WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING
ONE'S LIFETIME.

WHICH PATH ONE WILL TAKE DURING
ONE'S LIFETIME.
BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US

ONE'S LIFETIME.
BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US
WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE

BUT WHILE THE LORD GUIDES US
WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE
FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR

WITH HIS SPIRIT, WE ALSO HAVE
FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR
FATE.

FREE WILL TO HELP DETERMINE OUR
FATE.
THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT

FATE.
THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT
A CROSSROAD.

THIS FAMILY IS ABOUT TO CONFRONT
A CROSSROAD.
LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY

A CROSSROAD.
LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY
HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS.

LET US WATCH AND SEE HOW THEY
HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS.
DAD?

HANDLE THEIR PERSONAL CRISIS.
DAD?
DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A

DAD?
DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A
MINUTE?

DAD, CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A
MINUTE?
YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS

MINUTE?
YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS
QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I

YOU KNOW, THIS MIGHT COME AS
QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I
THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL.

QUITE A SHOCK TO YOU, BUT I
THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL.
I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT,

THINK I'D LIKE TO QUIT SCHOOL.
I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT,
DAD.

I'M JUST NOT CUT OUT FOR IT,
DAD.
YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW

DAD.
YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW
I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW

YOU KNOW HOW HARD I TRIED, HOW
I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW
HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY.

I'VE STUDIED, BUT NO MATTER HOW
HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY.
LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND

HARD I WORK, I STILL DO POORLY.
LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND
FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE,

LOOK, EVEN IF I STICK IT OUT AND
FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE,
WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO?

FINISH THE TERM AND GRADUATE,
WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO?
I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL,

WHAT GOOD WILL IT DO?
I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL,
DAD.

I'M JUST NOT COLLEGE MATERIAL,
DAD.
I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE

DAD.
I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE
UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE

I'M AT THE AGE WHERE I CAN MAKE
UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE
DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY.

UP MY OWN MIND AND MAKE THE
DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY.
I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY,

DECISIONS THAT'LL MAKE ME HAPPY.
I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY,
AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A

I SPOKE TO MR. HENDERSON TODAY,
AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A
COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE

AND HE SAID HE COULD USE A
COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE
CONSTRUCTION SITE.

COUPLE OF NEW GUYS DOWN AT THE
CONSTRUCTION SITE.
HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND

CONSTRUCTION SITE.
HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND
MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE

HE COULD PULL A FEW STRINGS, AND
MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE
UNION.

MAYBE LATER I COULD GET INTO THE
UNION.
THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL

UNION.
THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL
MONEY, DAD.

THEN I'D BE MAKING SOME REAL
MONEY, DAD.
IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO.

MONEY, DAD.
IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO.
I COULD START PULLING MY OWN

IT WOULD HELP YOU, TOO.
I COULD START PULLING MY OWN
WEIGHT AROUND HERE.

I COULD START PULLING MY OWN
WEIGHT AROUND HERE.
YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND

WEIGHT AROUND HERE.
YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND
ALL.

YOU KNOW, PAY SOME BILLS AND
ALL.
IT'D BE GREAT, DAD.

ALL.
IT'D BE GREAT, DAD.
I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A

IT'D BE GREAT, DAD.
I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A
FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL,

I'D FEEL LIKE A MAN INSTEAD OF A
FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL,
DAD.

FAILURE, WHICH I AM AT SCHOOL,
DAD.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE

DAD.
LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED.

LOOK, I KNOW YOU'RE
DISAPPOINTED.
DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT

DISAPPOINTED.
DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT
EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO

DAD, YOU'VE TRIED TO MAKE IT
EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO
HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES,

EASIER FOR ME, EASIER FOR ME TO
HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES,
THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD.

HELP ME HAVE MORE OPPORTUNITIES,
THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD.
AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.

THE OPPORTUNITIES YOU NEVER HAD.
AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO,

AND I LOVE YOU FOR IT.
BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO,
DAD.

BUT THIS IS WHAT I HAVE TO DO,
DAD.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND.

DAD.
PLEASE UNDERSTAND.
DAD!

PLEASE UNDERSTAND.
DAD!
BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.

DAD!
BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.
JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO

BREAKDOWN IN COMMUNICATION.
JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO
TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS

JAMIE WANTS TO YIELD TO
TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS
FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT

TEMPTATION AND SACRIFICE HIS
FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT
UNUSUAL.

FUTURE FOR IMMEDIATE REWARD, NOT
UNUSUAL.
AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP.

UNUSUAL.
AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP.
AAH!

AN ADOLESCENT CRY FOR HELP.
AAH!
BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO

AAH!
BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO
REACHED A CROSSROAD.

BUT JAMIE'S FATHER HAS ALSO
REACHED A CROSSROAD.
SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS

REACHED A CROSSROAD.
SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS
SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE

SHOULD HE GRANT APPROVAL TO HIS
SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE
ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S

SON'S DESIRE, OR SHOULD HE BE
ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S
BEST FOR HIS SON?

ADAMANT BECAUSE HE KNOWS WHAT'S
BEST FOR HIS SON?
WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS

BEST FOR HIS SON?
WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS
OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S

WELL, JAMIE NOW APPROACHES HIS
OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S
LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL

OTHER PARENT, HOPING A MOTHER'S
LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL
EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM.

LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING WILL
EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM.
[GROANING]

EMBRACE HIM AND SUPPORT HIM.
[GROANING]
JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP

[GROANING]
JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP
BEFORE IT GETS COLD.

JAMIE, DEAR, EAT YOUR SOUP
BEFORE IT GETS COLD.
MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME?

BEFORE IT GETS COLD.
MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME?
OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY

MOM? DO YOU LOVE ME?
OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY
QUESTION.

OH, JAMIE, WHAT A SILLY
QUESTION.
YOU KNOW I DO.

QUESTION.
YOU KNOW I DO.
EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE.

YOU KNOW I DO.
EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE.
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.

EAT IT, IT'S VEGETABLE.
IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.
MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.

IT'S YOUR FAVORITE.
MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?

MOM, THIS IS IMPORTANT TO ME.
YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?
I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT

YOU UNDERSTAND, DON'T YOU?
I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT
WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T

I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU WANT
WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T
YOU SEE?

WHAT'S BEST FOR ME, BUT DON'T
YOU SEE?
RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT

YOU SEE?
RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT
HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.

RIGHT NOW, WORKING DOWN AT
HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.
PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW...

HENDERSON IS WHAT'S BEST FOR ME.
PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW...
I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D

PLEASE, MOM, I KNOW...
I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D
NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME,

I KNOW I'M YOUR SON AND YOU'D
NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME,
AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO

NEVER DO ANYTHING TO HURT ME,
AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO
ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.

AND I'D NEVER WANT TO DO
ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA...

ANYTHING TO HURT YOU.
BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA...
AAH!

BUT I HAVE TO HAVE MY OWN WA...
AAH!
OHH!

AAH!
OHH!
A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS.

OHH!
A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS.
JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON

A FAMILY AT THE CROSSROADS.
JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON
LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS

JAMIE APPEARS INTENT UPON
LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS
ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING

LEAVING SCHOOL, AND HIS PARENTS
ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING
SUCH A DECISION.

ARE VEHEMENT ABOUT NOT APPROVING
SUCH A DECISION.
NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS

SUCH A DECISION.
NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS
BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION

NOW, WHEN SUCH A STALEMATE HAS
BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION
HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES

BEEN REACHED, WHEN NO SOLUTION
HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES
INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN,

HAS BEEN FOUND BY THE LOVED ONES
INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN,
THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE

INVOLVED, IT IS NATURAL, THEN,
THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE
AND HELP.

THAT THEY SEEK OUTSIDE GUIDANCE
AND HELP.
[GROANING]

AND HELP.
[GROANING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]

[GROANING]
[DOORBELL RINGS]
THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.
AAH!

THERE'S SOMEBODY AT THE DOOR.
AAH!
WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY!

AAH!
WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY!
WHAT A SURPRISE.

WHY, REVEREND DANTLEY!
WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS

WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS
HOUR?

WHAT BRINGS YOU HERE AT THIS
HOUR?
I WAS JUST IN THE

HOUR?
I WAS JUST IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.

I WAS JUST IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD.
I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE

NEIGHBORHOOD.
I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE
ARE FARING.

I THOUGHT I'D SEE HOW YOU PEOPLE
ARE FARING.
YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE.

ARE FARING.
YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE.
OH, WE'RE JUST FINE.

YOU'RE SUCH GOOD PEOPLE.
OH, WE'RE JUST FINE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME

OH, WE'RE JUST FINE.
WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME
DINNER?

WON'T YOU SIT DOWN AND HAVE SOME
DINNER?
WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT

DINNER?
WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT
I SUPPOSE...

WELL, I REALLY SHOULDN'T, BUT
I SUPPOSE...
PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST

I SUPPOSE...
PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST
BEEF COMING.

PLEASE, WE HAVE SOME ROAST
BEEF COMING.
WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE.

BEEF COMING.
WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE.
SIT DOWN AND JOIN US.

WE HAVE SOME GOOD SOUP HERE.
SIT DOWN AND JOIN US.
I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO

SIT DOWN AND JOIN US.
I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO
IT.

I THINK YOU TALKED ME INTO
IT.
HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE?

IT.
HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE?
WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN

HOW ARE YOU, JAMIE?
WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN
IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T...

WELL, I'M HAVING KIND OF AN
IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T...
AYE-YO!

IDENTITY CRISIS, BUT I DON'T...
AYE-YO!
HONOR THY FATHER AND THY

AYE-YO!
HONOR THY FATHER AND THY
MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT.

HONOR THY FATHER AND THY
MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT.
MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP.

MOTHER, THE FOURTH COMMANDMENT.
MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP.
AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY

MAYBE NOW JAMIE WILL SHUT UP.
AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY
TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT

AFTER ALL, A PARENT CAN ONLY
TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT
CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP

TAKE SO MUCH OF THAT ADOLESCENT
CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP
LIKE HIM.

CRAP FROM AN OVERWEIGHT WIMP
LIKE HIM.
PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY

LIKE HIM.
PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY
DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO.

PERSONALLY, I'M SURPRISED THEY
DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO.
WHAT A BORE.

DIDN'T BELT THAT KID YEARS AGO.
WHAT A BORE.
NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP.

WHAT A BORE.
NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP.
HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH,

NOW, I'M READY FOR THAT SOUP.
HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH,
REVEREND?

HOW ARE THINGS AT THE CHURCH,
REVEREND?
LOVELY.

REVEREND?
LOVELY.
MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY.

LOVELY.
MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY.
IS THAT RIGHT?

MRS. CARSON HAD HER BABY.
IS THAT RIGHT?
[APPLAUSE]

♪ THIS FALL ♪
♪ NBC SENDS YOU ALL THE BEST ♪
HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL

♪ NBC SENDS YOU ALL THE BEST ♪
HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL
YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO

HE SAID, "IF I DON'T CALL
YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO
YOU?" AND I SAID, "WELL, LISTEN,

YOU, HOW AM I GONNA SPEAK TO
YOU? "AND I SAID," WELL, LISTEN,
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY

YOU?" AND I SAID, "WELL, LISTEN,
I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY
YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME."

I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY IDEA WHY
YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME."
Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC

YOU WANT TO SPEAK TO ME."
Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC
PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL

Announcer: THIS FALL, NBC
PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL
DRAMA.

PRESENTS AN EXCITING NEW MEDICAL
DRAMA.
DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED

DRAMA.
DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED
OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS

DR. ROBERT LIEBMAN, A NEW BREED
OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS
PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO

OF ANALYST, GIVES UP HIS
PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO
FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND

PROFITABLE OFFICE PRACTICE TO
FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND
FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER

FIGHT DEPRESSION, NEUROSIS, AND
FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER
WHERE OR WHEN THEY STRIKE.

FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY NO MATTER
WHERE OR WHEN THEY STRIKE.
[TIRES SCREECH]

HELLO, AL.
SORRY I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE THIS
AFTERNOON.

SORRY I'M A LITTLE BIT LATE THIS
AFTERNOON.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?

AFTERNOON.
HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
FINE.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
FINE.
THAT'S GOOD.

FINE.
THAT'S GOOD.
Announcer: WITH A BEEMER,

THAT'S GOOD.
Announcer: WITH A BEEMER,
COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE

Announcer: WITH A BEEMER,
COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE
GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO

COMPASSION, AND A NOTEPAD, HE
GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO
THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE

GOES OUT INTO THE STREETS TO
THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE
OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO

THOSE WHO NEED HELP MOST, THE
OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO
DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL

OVER 5.3 MILLION AMERICANS WHO
DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL
HEALTHCARE.

DON'T SEEK PROPER MENTAL
HEALTHCARE.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN

HEALTHCARE.
THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN
HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE

THE WHOLE PROBLEM YOU'VE BEEN
HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE
WIFE AND CHILDREN...

HAVING WITH YOUR FAMILY, THE
WIFE AND CHILDREN...
SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU

WIFE AND CHILDREN...
SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU
TODAY.

SOMETHING HAS BEEN BOTHERING YOU
TODAY.
YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME

TODAY.
YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME
NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE

YEAH, WELL, I HAD THE SAME
NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE
ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE.

NIGHTMARE, YOU KNOW, THE ONE
ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE.
59 CENTS.

ABOUT THAT SQUISHY SNAKE.
59 CENTS.
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

59 CENTS.
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
BOLDLY EXPLORING THE

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
BOLDLY EXPLORING THE
SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN

BOLDLY EXPLORING THE
SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN
DEFENSE MECHANISMS,

SUBCONSCIOUS, BREAKING DOWN
DEFENSE MECHANISMS,
RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND

DEFENSE MECHANISMS,
RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND
REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL

RESTRUCTURING ANXIETIES, AND
REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE

REINTEGRATING THE BEHAVIORAL
CHARACTERISTICS OF THE
INDIVIDUAL.

CHARACTERISTICS OF THE
INDIVIDUAL.
HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS?

INDIVIDUAL.
HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS?
IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST.

HOW MUCH IS THE AVOCADOS?
IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE

IT'S A SIMPLE RORSCHACH TEST.
JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE
CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR

JUST TELL ME WHAT YOU SEE ON THE
CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR
MIND.

CARD, WHATEVER COMES TO YOUR
MIND.
I SEE A RAT.

MIND.
I SEE A RAT.
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

I SEE A RAT.
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD,

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD,
THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE

COMBINING THE WISDOM OF FREUD,
THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE
HUMAN INSIGHT OF

THE CLARITY OF JUNG, AND THE
HUMAN INSIGHT OF
DR. JOYCE BROTHERS.

HUMAN INSIGHT OF
DR. JOYCE BROTHERS.
THIS ONE?

DR. JOYCE BROTHERS.
THIS ONE?
UH, I SEE A BAT.

THIS ONE?
UH, I SEE A BAT.
LOOK AT THE LAST ONE HERE.

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
HE WENT OUTSIDE TO HELP PEOPLE
GO INSIDE.

HE WENT OUTSIDE TO HELP PEOPLE
GO INSIDE.
INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN

GO INSIDE.
INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN
THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.

INSIDE THEMSELVES, DEEPER THAN
THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.
DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE

THEY'VE EVER BEEN BEFORE.
DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE
PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC

DOWN INTO THE DEPTHS OF THE
PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC
FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR

PSYCHE, UPROOTING THE BASIC
FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR
HAPPINESS.

FEARS THAT BLOCK THEIR
HAPPINESS.
LET'S GET BACK TO THE

HAPPINESS.
LET'S GET BACK TO THE
SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR

LET'S GET BACK TO THE
SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR
PARENTS!

SEPARATION OF YOU AND YOUR
PARENTS!
HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME?

PARENTS!
HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME?
I'M 47!

HOW OLD WERE YOU AT THE TIME?
I'M 47!
WHAT?

I'M 47!
WHAT?
47!

WHAT?
47!
HOW OLD WERE YOU?!

47!
HOW OLD WERE YOU?!
WHEN?!

HOW OLD WERE YOU?!
WHEN?!
WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED,

WHEN?!
WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED,
HOW OLD WERE YOU?

WHEN YOUR PARENTS SEPARATED,
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I WAS 4!

HOW OLD WERE YOU?
I WAS 4!
OKAY!

I WAS 4!
OKAY!
HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY,

OKAY!
HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY,
ANY...

HOW DID YOU FEEL... ANY ANXIETY,
ANY...
ANXIOUS.

ANY...
ANXIOUS.
ANGER?

ANXIOUS.
ANGER?
ANXIOUS!

ANGER?
ANXIOUS!
LET IT OUT!

ANXIOUS!
LET IT OUT!
ANXIOUS!

LET IT OUT!
ANXIOUS!
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."

ANXIOUS!
Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
COMING TO NBC THIS FALL.

Announcer: "MOBILE SHRINK."
COMING TO NBC THIS FALL.
♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪

COMING TO NBC THIS FALL.
♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪
[APPLAUSE]

♪ ALL THE BEST ON NBC ♪
[APPLAUSE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE]
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO
"HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME TO
"HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW
DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE

"HOW THINGS WORK," THE SHOW
DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY

DESIGNED TO HELP PEOPLE
UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY
FUNCTIONS.

UNDERSTAND JUST HOW OUR SOCIETY
FUNCTIONS.
OUR GUEST TODAY IS

FUNCTIONS.
OUR GUEST TODAY IS
MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT

OUR GUEST TODAY IS
MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT
COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP

MR. MERLE TADBURNEY, INDEPENDENT
COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP
ACTIVITY.

COORDINATOR OF PRESSURE GROUP
ACTIVITY.
MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN

ACTIVITY.
MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN
HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK?

MR. TADBURNEY, COULD YOU EXPLAIN
HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR

HOW PRESSURE GROUPS WORK?
WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR
AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU TELL YOUR
AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON
YOUR SHOW TONIGHT?

AUDIENCE EXACTLY HOW I GOT ON
YOUR SHOW TONIGHT?
WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED

YOUR SHOW TONIGHT?
WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED
THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL

WELL, UH, WE RECEIVED
THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT

THOUSANDS OF LETTERS FROM ALL
OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT
WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK

OVER THE COUNTRY REQUESTING THAT
WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK
AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF

WE DO A SHOW ON HOW THINGS WORK
AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF
THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS

AND PRESSURE GROUPS, AND MOST OF
THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS
THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE

THE LETTERS SINGLED YOU OUT AS
THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE
SUBJECT.

THE FOREMOST AUTHORITY ON THE
SUBJECT.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE

SUBJECT.
THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE
ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY

THAT'S RIGHT, AND THEY WERE
ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY
ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON

ALL BOGUS LETTERS SENT OUT BY MY
ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON
YOUR SHOW TONIGHT.

ORGANIZATION, JUST TO GET ME ON
YOUR SHOW TONIGHT.
DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO

YOUR SHOW TONIGHT.
DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO
ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY

DO YOU MEAN THAT THERE'S NO
ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY
INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS?

ONE OUT THERE WHO IS REALLY
INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS?
WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF

INTERESTED IN PRESSURE GROUPS?
WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF
THAT.

WELL, I COULDN'T BE SURE OF
THAT.
I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE

THAT.
I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE
WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE

I PERSONALLY NEVER MET ANYONE
WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE
GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK.

WHO WAS INTERESTED IN PRESSURE
GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK.
WELL, I CERTAINLY AM

GROUPS OR HOW THEY WORK.
WELL, I CERTAINLY AM
IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL

WELL, I CERTAINLY AM
IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL
FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.

IMPRESSED, AND OUR PRODUCER FELL
FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.
WELL, THANK YOU.

FOR IT HOOK, LINE, AND SINKER.
WELL, THANK YOU.
WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO

WELL, THANK YOU.
WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO
DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE

WE'VE WORKED LONG AND HARD TO
DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE
PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS

DEVELOP AN EFFECTIVE
PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS
EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF

PHONY-LETTER CAMPAIGN THAT WORKS
EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF
IT.

EVERY TIME, AND WE'RE PROUD OF
IT.
WELL, SWELL.

IT.
WELL, SWELL.
WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU

WELL, SWELL.
WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU
REPRESENT?

WHAT ORGANIZATIONS DO YOU
REPRESENT?
WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF

REPRESENT?
WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF
ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE...

WELL, I WORK FOR A LOT OF
ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE...
WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE

ETHNIC GROUPS SUCH AS THE...
WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE
ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.

WELL, THERE'S ONE CALLED THE
ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.
THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE

ITALIANS FOR AFFIRMATIVE ACTION.
THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE
STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A

THEY'RE UPSET EVERY TIME THE
STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A
MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN

STEREOTYPE OF AN ITALIAN AS A
MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN
THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE

MEMBER OF THE MAFIA IS USED IN
THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE
PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL

THE MEDIA, AND SO WE EDUCATE
PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL
SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO

PEOPLE BY POINTING OUT SEVERAL
SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO
HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE

SUCCESSFUL ITALIAN-AMERICANS WHO
HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE
MAFIA AT ALL.

HAVE NO CONNECTION WITH THE
MAFIA AT ALL.
LIKE FRANK SINATRA.

MAFIA AT ALL.
LIKE FRANK SINATRA.
OH, I SEE.

LIKE FRANK SINATRA.
OH, I SEE.
ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT

OH, I SEE.
ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT
DEMEANING JOKES?

ARE THEY ALSO CONCERNED ABOUT
DEMEANING JOKES?
NO.

DEMEANING JOKES?
NO.
THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF

NO.
THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF
HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP

THEY HAVE QUITE A GOOD SENSE OF
HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP
THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT

HUMOR, BUT THERE IS ONE GROUP
THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT
THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE

THAT IS RATHER SENSITIVE ABOUT
THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE
BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT

THAT SORT OF THING, BEING THE
BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT
SAY.

BRUNT OF ETHNIC JOKES, YOU MIGHT
SAY.
ARE YOU REFERRING TO A

SAY.
ARE YOU REFERRING TO A
CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP?

ARE YOU REFERRING TO A
CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.

CERTAIN EASTERN-EUROPEAN GROUP?
YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M

YES, THAT'S RIGHT.
I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M
REFERRING TO THE

I THINK EVERYONE KNOWS THAT I'M
REFERRING TO THE
SERBO-CROATIANS.

REFERRING TO THE
SERBO-CROATIANS.
AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE

SERBO-CROATIANS.
AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE
APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE

AND IF A SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE
APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE
SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT

APPEARS ON TELEVISION, WE MAKE
SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT
MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE

SURE THE NETWORKS KNOW THAT
MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE
OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM

MILLIONS OF VIEWERS ARE
OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM
SERBO-CROATS.

OUTRAGED, MOST OF THEM
SERBO-CROATS.
WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO

SERBO-CROATS.
WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO
MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A

WELL, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO
MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A
SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE

MAY NOT KNOW WHAT A
SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE
YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN.

SERBO-CROATIAN JOKE IS, MAYBE
YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF

YOU COULD POSSIBLY EXPLAIN.
WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF
ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES,

WELL, THAT WOULD BE SORT OF
ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES,
WOULDN'T IT?

ACTING AT CROSS PURPOSES,
WOULDN'T IT?
BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING

WOULDN'T IT?
BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING
AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY

BECAUSE THEN I WOULD BE ACTING
AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY
CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE

AGAINST THE BEHALF OF ONE OF MY
CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE
LITTLE JOKE.

CLIENTS, BUT I CAN TELL YOU ONE
LITTLE JOKE.
WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE

LITTLE JOKE.
WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE
MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS?

WHY DO A CERTAIN TYPE OF PEOPLE
MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?

MAKE BAD DRUGGISTS?
I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT

I DON'T KNOW. WHY?
BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT
THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP

BECAUSE WHEN THEY MAKE OUT
THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP
BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN

THE PRESCRIPTIONS, THEY KEEP
BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN
THE TYPEWRITER.

BREAKING THE LITTLE BOTTLES IN
THE TYPEWRITER.
[LAUGHS]

THE TYPEWRITER.
[LAUGHS]
WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT

[LAUGHS]
WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT
RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO

WELL, I THINK WE'VE JUST ABOUT
RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO
THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON

RUN OUT OF TIME, AND I WANT TO
THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON
"HOW THINGS WORK."

THANK YOU, MERLE, FOR BEING ON
"HOW THINGS WORK."
WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE,

"HOW THINGS WORK."
WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE,
AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR

WELL, IT'S NICE BEING HERE,
AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR
RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A

AND WHEN YOU LOOK AT YOUR
RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A
LITTLE SURPRISE.

RATINGS, I THINK YOU'LL GET A
LITTLE SURPRISE.
[LAUGHS]

LITTLE SURPRISE.
[LAUGHS]
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR

[LAUGHS]
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR
BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV

TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN SENATOR
BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV
DEBATING WORKS.

BOB DOLE EXPLAINS HOW TV
DEBATING WORKS.
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM

DEBATING WORKS.
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM
BY GARY WEIS.

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S FILM
BY GARY WEIS.
[APPLAUSE]

BY GARY WEIS.
[APPLAUSE]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]

[APPLAUSE]
[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND

[WOMAN SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY]
AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND
JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND

AND WE FIND THAT TRICKS AND
JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND
LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED.

JOKES HAVE BECOME LARGER AND
LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED.
AND, OF COURSE...

LARGER SINCE WE HAVE STARTED.
AND, OF COURSE...
[PBHT!]

AND, OF COURSE...
[PBHT!]
OH, MY GOODNESS.

[PBHT!]
OH, MY GOODNESS.
THIS IS FUNNY.

OH, MY GOODNESS.
THIS IS FUNNY.
THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION.

THIS IS FUNNY.
THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION.
AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY

THIS IS A POO-POO CUSHION.
AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY
LARGE NUMBERS...

AND IT'S ONE OF OUR VERY, VERY
LARGE NUMBERS...
AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES...

LARGE NUMBERS...
AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES...
AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME.

AND LOTS OF FUN AT PARTIES...
AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME.
THESE ARE INSECTS.

AND PRACTICAL JOKES AT HOME.
THESE ARE INSECTS.
THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU

THESE ARE INSECTS.
THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU
COULD ON A TABLE.

THIS IS USED IN SALADS, OR YOU
COULD ON A TABLE.
AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT

COULD ON A TABLE.
AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT
YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN.

AND NATURALLY, PEOPLE THINK THAT
YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN.
HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM,

YOU'RE NOT SO CLEAN.
HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM,
WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS

HERE WE HAVE THE BLOODY WORM,
WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS
OR ON THE TABLE.

WHICH IS ALSO USED IN SALADS
OR ON THE TABLE.
AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE

OR ON THE TABLE.
AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE
SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET

AND NATURALLY WHEN THE PEOPLE
SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET
SCARED.

SEE THAT, THEY SHUDDER AND GET
SCARED.
HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC

SCARED.
HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC
NUMBERS.

HERE IS ONE OF OUR TERRIFIC
NUMBERS.
THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT.

NUMBERS.
THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT.
THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN.

THE JUMBO RAT, WE CALL IT.
THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN.
THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME

THIS IS A PEANUT BRITTLE CAN.
THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME
OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH.

THIS I PERSONALLY PLAYED ON SOME
OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH.
WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I

OF MY FRIENDS AT THE BEACH.
WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I
PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS,

WE WERE HAVING A PARTY, AND I
PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS,
AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP...

PRESENTED THIS TO THE HOSTESS,
AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP...
THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT.

AND WHEN SHE OPENED IT UP...
THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT.
AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE

THREE BIG SNAKES CAME OUT.
AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE
PARTY.

AND IT WAS THE LAUGH OF THE
PARTY.
THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER.

PARTY.
THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER.
THE BLACK SOAP.

THIS IS A TERRIFIC NUMBER.
THE BLACK SOAP.
IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE

THE BLACK SOAP.
IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE
OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH

IT LOOKS LIKE AN ORDINARY CAKE
OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH
THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN

OF SOAP, AND WHEN THEY WASH
THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN
BLACK.

THEIR HANDS, YOUR HANDS TURN
BLACK.
AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY

BLACK.
AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY
FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT.

AND OF COURSE THEY GET VERY
FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT.
THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS

FRIGHTENED AND EXCITED OVER IT.
THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS
THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE

THIS LOOKS EXACTLY THE SAME AS
THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE
BLOODY SOAP.

THE BLACK SOAP, BUT THIS IS THE
BLOODY SOAP.
WE ALSO HAVE A HAND.

BLOODY SOAP.
WE ALSO HAVE A HAND.
I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND.

WE ALSO HAVE A HAND.
I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND.
YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A

I'D LOVE TO SHOW YOU THE HAND.
YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A
BLANKET JUST SO.

YOU CAN PLACE THIS UNDER A
BLANKET JUST SO.
BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED.

BLANKET JUST SO.
BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED.
YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR.

BUT NOBODY BEING IN THE BED.
YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR.
THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR

YOU COULD PUT IT IN A DOOR.
THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR
NUMBERS NOW.

THIS IS ONE OF OUR VERY POPULAR
NUMBERS NOW.
SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO

NUMBERS NOW.
SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO
VERY POPULAR.

SINCE THE POLISH JOKES ARE SO
VERY POPULAR.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST

VERY POPULAR.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST
RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH

AS A MATTER OF FACT, I JUST
RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH
DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE

RECEIVED AN ORDER FOR A POLISH
DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE
IT.

DICTIONARY, BUT WE DON'T HAVE
IT.
I WILL TRY AND GET IT.

IT.
I WILL TRY AND GET IT.
AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE

I WILL TRY AND GET IT.
AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE
OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER.

AND OF COURSE THIS IS ONE OF THE
OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER.
WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I

OLD STANDBYS... THE JOY BUZZER.
WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I
CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET

WE HAVE SO MANY ITEMS THAT I
CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET
A LAUGH.

CAN'T SEE WHERE YOU COULDN'T GET
A LAUGH.
AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS

A LAUGH.
AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS
THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE

AND IF, IN ANY EVENT, IT FAILS
THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE
LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL

THAT WAY, WHY, THEN, WE HAVE THE
LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL
MAKE YOU LAUGH.

LAUGH BAG, AND TRULY THIS WILL
MAKE YOU LAUGH.
[ LAUGHING]

MAKE YOU LAUGH.
[ LAUGHING]
[APPLAUSE]

[CHUCKLING]
[Foreign accent] AND HE SAYS,
"YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES?

[Foreign accent] AND HE SAYS,
"YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES?
DO IT!" [LAUGHS]

"YOU WANT TO BUY THE SHOES?
DO IT!" [LAUGHS]
OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S

DO IT!" [LAUGHS]
OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S
TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL?

OH, BUT, NEIL, NEIL, NEIL, WHO'S
TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL?
NEIL.

TALKING, ME OR YOU, NEIL?
NEIL.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT

NEIL.
YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT
MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW PROUD IT
MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN
ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL!

MAKES US THAT YOU'VE BEEN
ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL!
THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER.

ACCEPTED INTO LAW SCHOOL!
THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER.
TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE

THANK YOU, GRANDFATHER.
TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE
THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN

TO THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE
THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN
ITS DOORS TO BEES.

THE DAY THAT HARVARD WOULD OPEN
ITS DOORS TO BEES.
AH.

ITS DOORS TO BEES.
AH.
WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?

AH.
WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?
"WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?"

WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?
"WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?"
BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG

"WHY SHOULDN'T THEY?"
BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG
AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD

BECAUSE, NEIL, IT WASN'T LONG
AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD
NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A

AGO THAT A BEE IN AMERICA COULD
NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A
LAWYER.

NOT HAVE DREAMED OF BECOMING A
LAWYER.
BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY

LAWYER.
BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY
IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS.

BEES WERE JUST ANOTHER MINORITY
IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS.
THAT'S RIGHT.

IN A COUNTRY RUN BY WASPS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING!

THAT'S RIGHT.
THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING!
AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE.

THE WASPS RAN EVERYTHING!
AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE.
AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US

AND THEY TREATED BEES TERRIBLE.
AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.

AND THE THINGS THEY CALLED US
YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
FLOWER SUCKERS.

YOU WOULDN'T BELIEVE.
FLOWER SUCKERS.
ANTENNA HEADS.

FLOWER SUCKERS.
ANTENNA HEADS.
YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US

ANTENNA HEADS.
YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US
EVERYTHING.

YOU KNOW, THEY CALL US
EVERYTHING.
OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE

EVERYTHING.
OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE
CHILD.

OH, NOT IN FRONT OF THE
CHILD.
HE SHOULD KNOW.

CHILD.
HE SHOULD KNOW.
HE SHOULD KNOW.

HE SHOULD KNOW.
HE SHOULD KNOW.
THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER

HE SHOULD KNOW.
THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER
POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN

THEY CALLED US FLYING BARBER
POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN
STUFFERS, YOU KNOW.

POLES, BEE STUFFERS, QUEEN
STUFFERS, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.

STUFFERS, YOU KNOW.
IT WAS TERRIBLE.
I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST

IT WAS TERRIBLE.
I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST
WASP I EVER MET.

I CAN STILL REMEMBER THE FIRST
WASP I EVER MET.
IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION

WASP I EVER MET.
IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION
OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND.

IT WAS, UH, IMMIGRATION
OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND.
AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER

OFFICIAL, ELLIS ISLAND.
AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER
AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD

AND THERE WERE YOUR GRANDMOTHER
AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD
COUNTRY, GETTING OUR FIRST TASTE

AND I, FRESH FROM THE OLD
COUNTRY, GETTING OUR FIRST TASTE
OF PREJUDICE.

OKAY, THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

THANK YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
VERIFY THIS.

ALL RIGHT.
VERIFY THIS.
INCLUDE THIS HERE.

VERIFY THIS.
INCLUDE THIS HERE.
HO HO HO, UH-OH.

INCLUDE THIS HERE.
HO HO HO, UH-OH.
WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED

HO HO HO, UH-OH.
WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED
ALL OVER?

WHAT'S BLACK AND YELLOW AND RED
ALL OVER?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

ALL OVER?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A
NEWSPAPER.

A DEAD BEE COVERED WITH A
NEWSPAPER.
[BOTH LAUGH]

NEWSPAPER.
[BOTH LAUGH]
WATCH THIS.

[BOTH LAUGH]
WATCH THIS.
EVER HAD HIVES?

WATCH THIS.
EVER HAD HIVES?
NO.

EVER HAD HIVES?
NO.
COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR

NO.
COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR
PAPERS.

COME ON, LET'S SEE YOUR
PAPERS.
COME ON, COME ON.

PAPERS.
COME ON, COME ON.
YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE.

COME ON, COME ON.
YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR

YES, SIR, RIGHT HERE.
ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR
NAMES?

ALL RIGHT, WHAT ARE YOUR
NAMES?
MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL

NAMES?
MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL
BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS?

MR. AND MRS. HERSCHELL
BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS?
BLOUSHRASINSKY.

BLOUSHVASINS... WHAT IS THIS?
BLOUSHRASINSKY.
TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE.

BLOUSHRASINSKY.
TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE.
FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE

TOO HARD TO PRONOUNCE.
FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE
MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE.

FROM NOW ON YOU'LL BE
MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE.
BEE?

MR. AND MRS. HENRY BEE.
BEE?
GET MOVING.

BEE?
GET MOVING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.

GET MOVING.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
WE GO THIS WAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, SIR.
WE GO THIS WAY.
[CHUCKLING]

WE GO THIS WAY.
[CHUCKLING]
BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN

[CHUCKLING]
BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN
HER HONEY.

BOY, I'D LOVE TO DIP MY SPOON IN
HER HONEY.
YES?

HER HONEY.
YES?
SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED

YES?
SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED
THE WASPS.

SO, FROM THE FIRST, WE HATED
THE WASPS.
THEY CALLED US INSECTS.

THE WASPS.
THEY CALLED US INSECTS.
THEY CALLED US PESTS.

THEY CALLED US INSECTS.
THEY CALLED US PESTS.
THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS

THEY CALLED US PESTS.
THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS
TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS.

THEY SENT US TO SPECIAL SCHOOLS
TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS.
BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK.

TO LEARN HOW TO TALK LIKE THIS.
BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK.
THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE.

BUT WE DID LOVE NEW YORK.
THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE.
IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE

THE HUSTLE, THE BUSTLE.
IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE
WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT.

IT WAS EXCITING FOR A YOUNG BEE
WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT.
YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD

WHO HAD JUST FLOWN OFF THE BOAT.
YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD
SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE.

YES, THIS WAS AMERICA THAT HELD
SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE.
FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND

SO MUCH PROMISE FOR THE BEE.
FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND
HONEY.

FOR IT WAS THE LAND OF MILK AND
HONEY.
BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18

HONEY.
BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18
HOURS A DAY!

BUT, SIR, I ALREADY WORK 18
HOURS A DAY!
NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS

HOURS A DAY!
NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS
OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26

NOW, IF YOU ADD 8 MORE HOURS
OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26
HOURS A DAY.

OVERTIME, I'LL BE WORKING 26
HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!

HOURS A DAY.
THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES

THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!
IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES
LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU

IF I MAY SO, IT'S ATTITUDES
LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU
PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER.

LIKE THAT THAT HAVE KEPT YOU
PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER.
LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU

PEOPLE WHERE YOU ARE, ROCHESTER.
LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU
PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY

LOOK, WITH THE WAGES YOU
PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY
FAMILY!

PAYING ME, I CAN'T SUPPORT MY
FAMILY!
SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT

FAMILY!
SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS?

SURE, THE WAGES ARE LOW, BUT
WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS?
FRINGE BENEFITS?

WHAT ABOUT THE FRINGE BENEFITS?
FRINGE BENEFITS?
YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN

FRINGE BENEFITS?
YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN
BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY

YES, ALL THE AIR YOU CAN
BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY
OF FRESH WORK.

BREATHE, FREE WALLS, AND PLENTY
OF FRESH WORK.
HEY, THAT'S IT!

OF FRESH WORK.
HEY, THAT'S IT!
I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP!

HEY, THAT'S IT!
I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP!
DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT?

I QUIT THIS LOUSY SWEATSHOP!
DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT?
HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY

DID YOU ALL HEAR THAT?
HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY
SWEATSHOP.

HE CALLED THIS A LOUSY
SWEATSHOP.
WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY,

SWEATSHOP.
WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY,
BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP.

WELL, HE HAS A POINT, REALLY,
BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP.
WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT

BECAUSE IT IS A LOUSY SWEATSHOP.
WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT
IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A

WE HAVEN'T PRODUCED ENOUGH SWEAT
IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A
BIRD ALIVE.

IN THE LAST FEW WEEKS TO KEEP A
BIRD ALIVE.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A

BIRD ALIVE.
EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A
SUGGESTION?

EXCUSE ME, SIR, MAY I MAKE A
SUGGESTION?
PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN

SUGGESTION?
PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN
BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED

PERHAPS SWEAT PRODUCTION IS DOWN
BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED
INEFFICIENTLY.

BECAUSE YOUR SPACE IS BEING USED
INEFFICIENTLY.
YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE

INEFFICIENTLY.
YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE
SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA,

YOU COULD ADD QUITE A FEW MORE
SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA,
FOR EXAMPLE.

SEWING MACHINES IN THIS AREA,
FOR EXAMPLE.
SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING.

FOR EXAMPLE.
SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING.
WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY

SAY, THAT'S INTERESTING.
WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY
OFFICE?

WHY DON'T YOU STEP INTO MY
OFFICE?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT.

OFFICE?
WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT.
OH, YES, SIR.

WE'LL TALK ABOUT THAT.
OH, YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.

OH, YES, SIR.
YES, SIR.
AND SO I GOT MY FIRST

YES, SIR.
AND SO I GOT MY FIRST
PROMOTION.

AND SO I GOT MY FIRST
PROMOTION.
SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL.

PROMOTION.
SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL.
BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS

SOON I WAS DOING VERY WELL.
BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS
MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER

BUT WHILE I WAS AS SUCCESSFUL AS
MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER
REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM.

MANY OTHER WASPS, I WAS NEVER
REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM.
I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO

REALLY ACCEPTED BY THEM.
I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO
THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS.

I COULD NOT GAIN ADMITTANCE TO
THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS.
SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE

THEIR SWANK CLUBS AND HOTELS.
SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE
"B" TEAM.

SOCIALLY, I WAS STILL ON THE
"B" TEAM.
BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG

"B" TEAM.
BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG
HERE.

BUT, HENRY, WE DON'T BELONG
HERE.
DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE

HERE.
DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE
DESK?

DID YOU SEE THE SIGN AT THE
DESK?
IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT

DESK?
IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT
CARDS OR BEES."

IT SAID, "WE DON'T ACCEPT CREDIT
CARDS OR BEES."
DON'T BE SILLY.

CARDS OR BEES."
DON'T BE SILLY.
MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL.

DON'T BE SILLY.
MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL.
SO WILL WE.

MY OLD BOSS STAYS THIS HOTEL.
SO WILL WE.
I FEEL VERY UN...

SO WILL WE.
I FEEL VERY UN...
WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND

I FEEL VERY UN...
WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US.

WE'RE GONNA STAY HERE, AND
THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US.
BUT THEY STARE AT US.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE US.
BUT THEY STARE AT US.
IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT?

BUT THEY STARE AT US.
IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT?
I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE

IT'S SWANK, AIN'T IT?
I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE
THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM.

I SAID TO HODGKINS, "TAKE
THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM.
HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE."

THIS RASCAL OUT AND THRASH HIM.
HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE."
[LAUGHTER]

HE SPLASHED MUD ON THE LaSALLE."
[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY.

[LAUGHTER]
IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY.
HELLO!

IT WAS QUITE SHOCKING, REALLY.
HELLO!
GUESS WHO'S HERE.

HELLO!
GUESS WHO'S HERE.
HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM

GUESS WHO'S HERE.
HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM
NEW JERSEY.

HEY, WE JUST FLEW IN FROM
NEW JERSEY.
BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED.

NEW JERSEY.
BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED.
[LAUGHS]

BOY, ARE OUR ARMS TIRED.
[LAUGHS]
REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D

[LAUGHS]
REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I

REGGIE AND CHRISTINA, I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I
DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME.

LIKE YOU TO MEET HENRY AND... I
DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME.
BEE.

DO FORGET YOUR LAST NAME.
BEE.
YES, THEY'RE SORT OF...

BEE.
YES, THEY'RE SORT OF...
HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS

YES, THEY'RE SORT OF...
HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS
TOMORROW?

HEY, HOW 'BOUT TENNIS
TOMORROW?
WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS?

TOMORROW?
WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS?
OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT

WHAT DO YOU SAY? TENNIS?
OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT
THE COURTS ARE BROKEN.

OH, WE'RE TERRIBLY SORRY BUT
THE COURTS ARE BROKEN.
WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM?

THE COURTS ARE BROKEN.
WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM?
WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN.

WELL, HOW 'BOUT A SWIM?
WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN.
HORSEBACK RIDING.

WELL, THE POOL BURNED DOWN.
HORSEBACK RIDING.
THE HORSES ARE BROKEN.

HORSEBACK RIDING.
THE HORSES ARE BROKEN.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]

THE HORSES ARE BROKEN.
[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
WELL, BIRD WATCHING.

[LAUGHS NERVOUSLY]
WELL, BIRD WATCHING.
WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS.

WELL, BIRD WATCHING.
WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS.
THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN.

WE CAN WATCH THE BIRDS.
THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN.
BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH?

THE BIRDS BURNED DOWN.
BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH?
WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE?

BIRDS BURNED DOWN, HUH?
WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE?
WONDERFUL IDEA.

WELL, HOW 'BOUT SOME SOLITAIRE?
WONDERFUL IDEA.
CARDS.

WONDERFUL IDEA.
CARDS.
YOU KEEP IN TOUCH.

CARDS.
YOU KEEP IN TOUCH.
HOW 'BOUT SOME HOPSCOTCH?

YOU KEEP IN TOUCH.
HOW 'BOUT SOME HOPSCOTCH?
MAYBE WE COULD PLAY SOME?

WELL, I TRIED TO FIT IN, BUT
THE WASPS DIDN'T WELCOME ME.
NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY

THE WASPS DIDN'T WELCOME ME.
NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY
ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD.

NO MATTER HOW I ADJUSTED MY
ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD.
FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE

ANTENNA, THE RECEPTION WAS BAD.
FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE
WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED

FINALLY I REALIZED, THESE PEOPLE
WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED
TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A

WEREN'T FOR ME, SO I STOPPED
TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A
SUCCESS ON MY OWN.

TRYING TO FIT IN AND BECAME A
SUCCESS ON MY OWN.
AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME.

SUCCESS ON MY OWN.
AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME.
THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN

AND OTHER BEES DID THE SAME.
THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN
MANY AREAS.

THEY DISTINGUISHED THEMSELVES IN
MANY AREAS.
SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING

MANY AREAS.
SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING
AMERICANS WERE BEES.

SOME OF OUR MOST OUTSTANDING
AMERICANS WERE BEES.
FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT

AMERICANS WERE BEES.
FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT
FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE.

FEW PEOPLE KNOW THIS, NEIL, BUT
FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE.
YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE.

FRANKLIN ROOSEVELT WAS A BEE.
YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE.
BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE.

YUL BRYNNER WAS A BEE.
BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE.
NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE.

BISHOP SHEEN WAS A BEE.
NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE.
EVA GABOR WAS A BEE.

NEIL ARMSTRONG... HE WAS A BEE.
EVA GABOR WAS A BEE.
AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY

EVA GABOR WAS A BEE.
AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY
PACKERS WERE BEES!

AND THE 1965-'67 GREEN BAY
PACKERS WERE BEES!
AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE

PACKERS WERE BEES!
AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE
BEE, NEIL.

AMERICA HAS BEEN KIND TO THE
BEE, NEIL.
VERY KIND.

BEE, NEIL.
VERY KIND.
SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU

VERY KIND.
SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU
COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE.

SO ALWAYS REMEMBER, NEIL, YOU
COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE.
SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO

COME FROM A PROUD HERITAGE.
SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO
REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT

SO DON'T LET ANYONE FOR NO
REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT
ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST

REASON WHAT ALL, NO MATTER WHAT
ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST
ANOTHER LOUSY SON OF A BEE.

ANYBODY SAYS, YOU'RE NOT JUST
ANOTHER LOUSY SON OF A BEE.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW ONCE
AGAIN, HERE'S RY COODER.
[INTRO TO "HE'LL HAVE TO GO"

AGAIN, HERE'S RY COODER.
[INTRO TO "HE'LL HAVE TO GO"
PLAYS]

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...
HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

♪ WHISPER TO ME ♪
♪ TELL ME DO YOU LOVE ME TOO? ♪
♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU

♪ TELL ME DO YOU LOVE ME TOO? ♪
♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU
THE WAY I DO? ♪

♪ OR IS HE HOLDING YOU
THE WAY I DO? ♪
♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪

THE WAY I DO? ♪
♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪
♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪

♪ THOUGH LOVE IS BLIND ♪
♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪

♪ MAKE UP YOUR MIND ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪
♪ SHOULD I HANG UP

♪ I'VE GOT TO KNOW ♪
♪ SHOULD I HANG UP
OR WILL YOU TELL HIM...

♪ SHOULD I HANG UP
OR WILL YOU TELL HIM...
HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪

OR WILL YOU TELL HIM...
HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT

HE'LL HAVE TO GO? ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT
TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH

♪ YOU CAN'T SAY THE WORDS I WANT
TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH
SOME OTHER MAN ♪

TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH
SOME OTHER MAN ♪
♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR

SOME OTHER MAN ♪
♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR
NO? ♪

♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES OR
NO? ♪
♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪

NO? ♪
♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS

♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...
HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

♪ YOU CAN SAY THE WORDS I WANT
TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH
SOME OTHER MAN ♪

TO HEAR WHEN YOU'RE WITH
SOME OTHER MAN ♪
♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES

SOME OTHER MAN ♪
♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES
OR NO? ♪

♪ DO YOU WANT TO ANSWER YES
OR NO? ♪
♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪

OR NO? ♪
♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS

♪ DARLING, I WILL UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪

♪ PUT YOUR SWEET LIPS
A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE

A LITTLE CLOSER TO THE PHONE ♪
♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪

♪ LET'S PRETEND THAT WE'RE
TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN

TOGETHER AND ALL ALONE ♪
♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪

♪ I'LL TELL THE MAN TO TURN
THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND

THE JUKEBOX WAY DOWN LOW ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...

♪ AND YOU CAN TELL YOUR FRIEND
THERE WITH YOU...
HE'LL HAVE TO GO ♪

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING.
I'M MIKE O'DONOGHUE, OR MR. MIKE
AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME.

I'M MIKE O'DONOGHUE, OR MR. MIKE
AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME.
AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED

AS MY FRIENDS LIKE TO CALL ME.
AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED
BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED

AND TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED
BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED
"THE BLIND CHICKEN."

BEDTIME TALE IS ENTITLED
"THE BLIND CHICKEN."
THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF

"THE BLIND CHICKEN."
THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF
AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A

THERE ONCE LIVED ON THE EDGE OF
AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A
BLIND CHICKEN.

AN ALLIGATOR-INFESTED LAGOON A
BLIND CHICKEN.
HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS

BLIND CHICKEN.
HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS
HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A

HE WAS VERY HAPPY, OR ABOUT AS
HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A
BLIND CHICKEN.

HAPPY AS YOU CAN BE IF YOU'RE A
BLIND CHICKEN.
ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE

BLIND CHICKEN.
ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE
DOOR OF HIS COOP.

ONE DAY THERE WAS A KNOCK ON THE
DOOR OF HIS COOP.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.

DOOR OF HIS COOP.
KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
"WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN.

KNOCK, KNOCK, KNOCK.
"WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN.
"I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU

"WHO IS IT?" ASKED THE CHICKEN.
"I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU
CALL THOSE THINGS?

"I'M A... A... OH, WHAT DO YOU
CALL THOSE THINGS?
THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE

CALL THOSE THINGS?
THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE
WEBBED FEET.

THEY'RE YELLOW AND THEY HAVE THE
WEBBED FEET.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

WEBBED FEET.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.
THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND
IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK

THEY'RE ALWAYS SPLASHING AROUND
IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK
OR SOMETHING."

IN THE WATER, AND THEY GO QUACK
OR SOMETHING."
"A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN.

OR SOMETHING."
"A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN.
"UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE

"A DUCK?" SUGGESTED THE CHICKEN.
"UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE
ANSWERED.

"UH, YEAH, THAT'S IT," THE VOICE
ANSWERED.
"I'M A DUCK."

ANSWERED.
"I'M A DUCK."
"OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK,"

"I'M A DUCK."
"OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK,"
SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE

"OH, COME RIGHT IN, MR. DUCK,"
SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE
DOOR.

SAID THE CHICKEN, UNLOCKING THE
DOOR.
"YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE,

DOOR.
"YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE,
I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF

"YOU KNOW, FOR A SECOND THERE,
I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF
THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST

I WAS AFRAID YOU MIGHT BE ONE OF
THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST
THE... AAH!

THOSE ALLIGATORS THAT INFEST
THE... AAH!
OHH! OHH!"

THE... AAH!
OHH! OHH!"
AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE

OHH! OHH!"
AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE
CHICKEN.

AND THE ALLIGATOR ATE THE
CHICKEN.
UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT

CHICKEN.
UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT
THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE

UH, THAT'S ABOUT IT EXCEPT
THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE
ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON

THREE, FOUR MONTHS LATER, THE
ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON
THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER

ALLIGATOR WAS SUNNING HIMSELF ON
THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER
BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND

THE HIGHWAY, AND HE WAS RUN OVER
BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND
SCENE-A-CRUISER.

BY A BUS, A BIG GREYHOUND
SCENE-A-CRUISER.
NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST

SCENE-A-CRUISER.
NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST
KIDDING.

NO, WAIT, I'M SORRY, I WAS JUST
KIDDING.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE

KIDDING.
WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE
ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST

WHAT ACTUALLY HAPPENED WAS THE
ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST
SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE

ALLIGATOR WAS IN THE FOREST
SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE
WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT.

SUNNING HIMSELF ON A LOG WHEN HE
WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT.
IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED.

WAS RUN OVER BY A HOVERCRAFT.
IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED.
THE END.

IN ANY CASE, HE WAS JUST MASHED.
THE END.
IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO

THE END.
IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO
LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT

IN CLOSING, I WOULD LIKE TO
LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
ABOUT LOVE.

LEAVE YOU WITH THIS THOUGHT
ABOUT LOVE.
LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A

ABOUT LOVE.
LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A
COSTUME.

LOVE IS A DEATH CAMP IN A
COSTUME.
GOOD NIGHT.

COSTUME.
GOOD NIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

NBC HAS ASKED THAT WE TAKE
PART IN A SURVEY, AND THERE ARE
TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR

PART IN A SURVEY, AND THERE ARE
TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR
THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME

TWO RESEARCH SCIENTISTS HERE FOR
THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME
DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS

THAT, SO WILL YOU PLEASE WELCOME
DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS
IT?

DOCTORS FRANKEN AND DAVIS, IS
IT?
YES, THANK YOU.

IT?
YES, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

YES, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND

THANK YOU.
GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS.

GENTLEMEN.
I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS.
THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY

I'M DR. THOMAS JAMES DAVIS.
THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY
ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN.

THIS IS MY... THIS IS MY
ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN.
WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS

ASSOCIATE, DR. ALAN S. FRANKEN.
WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS
DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC

WE'RE FROM JOHNS HOPKINS
DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC
PSYCHOLOGY.

DEPARTMENT OF SEMANTIC
PSYCHOLOGY.
NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED

PSYCHOLOGY.
NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED
WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH

NOT, OF COURSE, TO BE CONFUSED
WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH
IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER.

WITH SEMITIC PSYCHOLOGY, WHICH
IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER.
[LAUGHS]

IS A DIFFERENT STORY ALTOGETHER.
[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.

[LAUGHS]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR

THANK YOU.
WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR
NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC

WE ARE CONDUCTING A SURVEY FOR
NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC
RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR.

NBC STUDYING THE PSYCHODYNAMIC
RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR.
WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD

RELATIONSHIP OF WORDS AND HUMOR.
WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD
"POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A

WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, DOES THE WORD
"POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A
LAUGH?

"POTATO" NEVER FAIL TO GET A
LAUGH?
[CHUCKLES]

LAUGH?
[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.
SO... THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
SO... THANK YOU.
SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE

SO... THANK YOU.
SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE
GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE,

SO, WE HAVE CHOSEN... WE ARE
GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE,
THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE

GOING TO USE THIS TECHNIQUE,
THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE
LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE

THEN, TO MEASURE YOUR AUDIENCE
LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE
WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM

LAUGH RESPONSE TONIGHT TO FIVE
WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM
THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM.

WORDS WHICH WE'VE SELECTED FROM
THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM.
NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE

THE DICTIONARY AT RANDOM.
NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE
LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN

NOW, TO DO THIS, WE HAVE THE
LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN
THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND

LATEST IN EQUIPMENT DEVELOPED IN
THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND
MYSELF.

THIS FIELD BY MY ASSOCIATE AND
MYSELF.
WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE

MYSELF.
WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE
LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE

WE WILL BE WORKING WITH THE
LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE
TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE

LAUGH-O-GRAPH AND THE
TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE
SYNTHESIZED.

TEE-HEE-OMETER, WHICH WE HAVE
SYNTHESIZED.
SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST

SYNTHESIZED.
SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST
JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL

SOMETIMES WHEN WE'RE JUST
JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL
IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH.

JOKING AROUND THE LAB, WE CALL
IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH.
TRUE STORY!

IT THE HARDY-HAR-DIOGRAPH.
TRUE STORY!
TRUE STORY!

TRUE STORY!
TRUE STORY!
GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN

TRUE STORY!
GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN
THE LAB.

GETS A LITTLE ZANY SOMETIMES IN
THE LAB.
AT ANY RATE, USING THIS

THE LAB.
AT ANY RATE, USING THIS
EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO

AT ANY RATE, USING THIS
EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO
IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR

EQUIPMENT, WE'LL BE ABLE TO
IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR
AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE.

IMMEDIATELY COMPUTE YOUR
AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE.
SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I

AUDIENCE LAUGH RESPONSE.
SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I
KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE

SO IF YOU'RE ALL READY NOW, AS I
KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE
OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO

KNOW I AM, I'LL HAND THE
OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO
MY ASSOCIATE.

OFFICIAL SURVEY INSTRUCTIONS TO
MY ASSOCIATE.
HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ

MY ASSOCIATE.
HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ
THE INSTRUCTIONS.

HE'LL BREAK THE SEAL AND READ
THE INSTRUCTIONS.
WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S

THE INSTRUCTIONS.
WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S
SURVEY.

WE'LL BE ABLE TO BEGIN TONIGHT'S
SURVEY.
SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO

SURVEY.
SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO
MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN.

SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR OVER TO
MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS.

MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN.

THANK YOU, DR. DAVIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JUST START.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
JUST START.
JUST START.

JUST START.
JUST START.
JUST START.

JUST START.
JUST START.
THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE

JUST START.
THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE
INSTRUCTIONS.

THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE
INSTRUCTIONS.
TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY

INSTRUCTIONS.
TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY
ASSOCIATIONS WITH SEXUALITY,

TRY TO AVOID UNNECESSARY
ASSOCIATIONS WITH SEXUALITY,
BESTIALITY, ANALITY, THE...

F-FEMALE MAMMARY GLANDS.
OR THE...
FALLOPIAN TUBES.

OR THE...
FALLOPIAN TUBES.
TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK

FALLOPIAN TUBES.
TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK
AS POSSIBLE.

TRY TO KEEP YOUR MINDS AS BLANK
AS POSSIBLE.
IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT

AS POSSIBLE.
IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT
TV BOWLING.

IT MAY BE HELPFUL TO THINK ABOUT
TV BOWLING.
READY?

TV BOWLING.
READY?
WORD NUMBER ONE.

READY?
WORD NUMBER ONE.
WAZOO.

WORD NUMBER ONE.
WAZOO.
[LIGHT CHUCKLING]

WORD NUMBER TWO.
VASELINE.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

VASELINE.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WORD NUMBER THREE.

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WORD NUMBER THREE.
SAND.

WORD NUMBER FOUR.

F-FINGER.
[LAUGHTER]

FINALLY, WORD NUMBER FIVE.
PUBIC.
[LAUGHTER]

PUBIC.
[LAUGHTER]
PUBLIC.

[LAUGHTER]
PUBLIC.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

PUBLIC.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR

ALL RIGHT, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR
YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION.

MUCH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, FOR
YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION.
NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN

YOUR VERY KIND COOPERATION.
NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN
OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD

NOW IF THE EQUIPMENT HAS BEEN
OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD
HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S

OPERATING PROPERLY, WE SHOULD
HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S
SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR

HAVE THE RESULTS TO TONIGHT'S
SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR
TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN,

SURVEY, SO I'LL HAND THE FLOOR
TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN,
FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S

TO MY ASSOCIATE, DR. FRANKEN,
FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S
SURVEY.

FOR THE RESULTS OF TONIGHT'S
SURVEY.
DR. FRANKEN.

SURVEY.
DR. FRANKEN.
THERE WE GO.

DR. FRANKEN.
THERE WE GO.
[CLEARS THROAT]

THERE WE GO.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY

[CLEARS THROAT]
THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY
THE WAY, DR. DAVIS.

THE OFFICIAL... THANK YOU, BY
THE WAY, DR. DAVIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN!

THE WAY, DR. DAVIS.
YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU'RE WELCOME, DR. FRANKEN!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, OKAY.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OKAY, OKAY.
THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS.

OKAY, OKAY.
THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS.
THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE

THE OFFICIAL AUDIENCE RESULTS.
THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE
LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION

THIS AUDIENCE RANKS IN THE
LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION
IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL

LOWEST PERCENTILE IN THE NATION
IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
STABILITY...

IN TERMS OF MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL
STABILITY...
BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE

STABILITY...
BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE
IN NEW YORK.

BUT IN THE UPPER PERCENTILE HERE
IN NEW YORK.
[LAUGHTER]

IN NEW YORK.
[LAUGHTER]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...

[LAUGHTER]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH
SCIENTISTS.

WE ARE NOT ACTUALLY RESEARCH
SCIENTISTS.
ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR

SCIENTISTS.
ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR
DISGUISES.

ALLOW US TO REMOVE OUR
DISGUISES.
WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN

DISGUISES.
WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN
AND DAVIS.

WE'RE THE COMEDY TEAM OF FRANKEN
AND DAVIS.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.

AND DAVIS.
THANK YOU AND GOOD NIGHT.
[APPLAUSE]

SAY, THIS IS ONE OF THOSE
MOMENTS THAT YOU DREAM ABOUT OR
HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE

MOMENTS THAT YOU DREAM ABOUT OR
HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER,

HAVE NIGHTMARES ABOUT, BECAUSE
WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER,
BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A

WE WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WAY OVER,
BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A
HALF TO KILL HERE.

BUT WE HAVE ABOUT A MINUTE AND A
HALF TO KILL HERE.
THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF

HALF TO KILL HERE.
THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF
THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS

THIS IS A TRADITIONAL PART OF
THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS
WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD.

THE SHOW WHERE THE HOST SAYS
WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD.
SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY,

WHAT A WONDERFUL TIME HE'S HAD.
SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY,
WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I

SO I'D SAY THAT VERY SLOWLY,
WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I
COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL

WHICH WOULD KILL THE TIME, OR I
COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL
YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD

COULD TELL THE TRUTH AND TELL
YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD
PLAYING THE PART OF

YOU WHAT A ROTTEN TIME I'VE HAD
PLAYING THE PART OF
ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT.

PLAYING THE PART OF
ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT.
BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER.

ELLIOTT GOULD HERE TONIGHT.
BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER.
THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE

BUT THAT ISN'T TRUE EITHER.
THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE
WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE

THE FACT IS, THIS IS ONE OF THE
WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE
EVER WORKED WITH.

WITTIEST GROUPS OF PEOPLE I'VE
EVER WORKED WITH.
WATCH THEM SAY...

EVER WORKED WITH.
WATCH THEM SAY...
[APPLAUSE]

WATCH THEM SAY...
[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S, UH...

[APPLAUSE]
THAT'S, UH...
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S, UH...
NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE
STILL HAVE SOME TIME.

THAT ISN'T HELPING BECAUSE WE
STILL HAVE SOME TIME.
I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER

STILL HAVE SOME TIME.
I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER
FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T

I'VE GOT SOME STUFF LEFT OVER
FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T
GET ON WITH.

FROM "THE BIG EVENT," I DIDN'T
GET ON WITH.
"THE CHICKEN."

GET ON WITH.
"THE CHICKEN."
AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS.

"THE CHICKEN."
AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS.
LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.

AND I DO SOME MORE HAND SHADOWS.
LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.
SAY SOMETHING.

LET'S SEE WHAT ELSE.
SAY SOMETHING.
SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF

SAY SOMETHING.
SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF
TIME.

SO I GUESS WE'RE ABOUT OUT OF
TIME.
THANK YOU. BLESS YOU.

TIME.
THANK YOU. BLESS YOU.
AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE

THANK YOU. BLESS YOU.
AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE
HELL ARE YOU WATCHING

AND IF YOU'RE DRIVING, WHY THE
HELL ARE YOU WATCHING
TELEVISION?

HELL ARE YOU WATCHING
TELEVISION?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING

TELEVISION?
I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M TALKING
ABOUT.
ARE WE OUT YET?

ABOUT.
ARE WE OUT YET?
IS IT OVER?

ARE WE OUT YET?
IS IT OVER?
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, OUR HOST WILL BE

PAUL SIMON WITH A SPECIAL

RECORDED APPEARANCE BY

GEORGE HARRISON.

WASN'T HE ONE OF THE BEATLES OR

SOMETHING?

I DON'T KNOW, THEY WERE LONG

BEFORE MY TIME.

I ONLY GO BACK TO THE

MODERNAIRES.

♪ I'LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN ♪

♪ TILL I SMILE AT YOU ♪

THIS IS SMILIN' DON PARDO SAYING

GOOD NIGHT!

♪ I'LL NEVER LAUGH AGAIN ♪

♪ WHAT WOULD WE DO? ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER SMILE AGAIN ♪

[HUMMING]