Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 2, Episode 6 - Buck Henry/The Band - full transcript

The host for the episode is Buck Henry (his third appearance), and the musical guest is The Band. The skits for this episode are as follows: The land shark makes its return, pretending to be a late trick-or-treater. In his opening...

[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO IS IT?
UH, TRICK OR TREAT?

WHO IS IT?
UH, TRICK OR TREAT?
["THEME FROM 'JAWS'" PLAYS]

UH, TRICK OR TREAT?
["THEME FROM 'JAWS'" PLAYS]
LOOK, IT'S 2:00 IN THE

["THEME FROM 'JAWS'" PLAYS]
LOOK, IT'S 2:00 IN THE
MORNING.

LOOK, IT'S 2:00 IN THE
MORNING.
HALLOWEEN'S OVER.

MORNING.
HALLOWEEN'S OVER.
NOW, SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN BED BY

HALLOWEEN'S OVER.
NOW, SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN BED BY
NOW?

NOW, SHOULDN'T YOU BE IN BED BY
NOW?
MRS. BA... BAR...

NOW?
MRS. BA... BAR...
MRS. BAR... BAY... BARSON?

MRS. BA... BAR...
MRS. BAR... BAY... BARSON?
BARGUM... BARSON?

MRS. BAR... BAY... BARSON?
BARGUM... BARSON?
THERE IS NO



BARGUM... BARSON?
THERE IS NO
MRS. BARGENBARSON HERE.

THERE IS NO
MRS. BARGENBARSON HERE.
CANDYGRAM.

MRS. BARGENBARSON HERE.
CANDYGRAM.
LOOK, I'M ALL OUT OF CANDY.

CANDYGRAM.
LOOK, I'M ALL OUT OF CANDY.
I GAVE IT ALL AWAY.

LOOK, I'M ALL OUT OF CANDY.
I GAVE IT ALL AWAY.
NOW GO HOME.

I GAVE IT ALL AWAY.
NOW GO HOME.
UNI-UNICEF, MA'AM.

NOW GO HOME.
UNI-UNICEF, MA'AM.
UNICEF?

UNI-UNICEF, MA'AM.
UNICEF?
UNICEF.

UNICEF?
UNICEF.
THAT'S DIFFERENT.

[SCREAMS]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT"...
STARRING...

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

WITH HIS SPECIAL GUEST...



AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
BUCK HENRY!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU ALL VERY MUCH.
I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IT'S NICE
TO BE WITH THIS INCREDIBLE CREW

I'D LIKE TO SAY THAT IT'S NICE
TO BE WITH THIS INCREDIBLE CREW
OF ACTORS AND PERFORMERS.

TO BE WITH THIS INCREDIBLE CREW
OF ACTORS AND PERFORMERS.
YOU KNOW, YOU READ A LOT OF

OF ACTORS AND PERFORMERS.
YOU KNOW, YOU READ A LOT OF
STUFF ABOUT THE

YOU KNOW, YOU READ A LOT OF
STUFF ABOUT THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS

STUFF ABOUT THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS
IN THE NEWSPAPERS, AND WHAT

NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME PLAYERS
IN THE NEWSPAPERS, AND WHAT
YOU'VE READ IS JUNK.

IN THE NEWSPAPERS, AND WHAT
YOU'VE READ IS JUNK.
NONE OF IT IS TRUE.

YOU'VE READ IS JUNK.
NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
THEY'RE AVERAGE, TERRIFIC,

NONE OF IT IS TRUE.
THEY'RE AVERAGE, TERRIFIC,
TALENTED KIDS.

THEY'RE AVERAGE, TERRIFIC,
TALENTED KIDS.
TAKE JANE CURTIN FOR INSTANCE...

TALENTED KIDS.
TAKE JANE CURTIN FOR INSTANCE...
THAT COOL, INTERESTING-LOOKING

TAKE JANE CURTIN FOR INSTANCE...
THAT COOL, INTERESTING-LOOKING
BEAUTY.

THAT COOL, INTERESTING-LOOKING
BEAUTY.
SHE'S GOT A PERFECTLY NORMAL

BEAUTY.
SHE'S GOT A PERFECTLY NORMAL
LIFE.

SHE'S GOT A PERFECTLY NORMAL
LIFE.
SHE LIVES WITH HER HUSBAND, AND

LIFE.
SHE LIVES WITH HER HUSBAND, AND
THEY DO WHAT EVERY COUPLE DOES,

SHE LIVES WITH HER HUSBAND, AND
THEY DO WHAT EVERY COUPLE DOES,
AND EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN

THEY DO WHAT EVERY COUPLE DOES,
AND EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN
IT'S SHOWTIME, ALL THOSE BRUISES

AND EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT, WHEN
IT'S SHOWTIME, ALL THOSE BRUISES
HAVE DISAPPEARED.

IT'S SHOWTIME, ALL THOSE BRUISES
HAVE DISAPPEARED.
THERE ISN'T A SCAR.

HAVE DISAPPEARED.
THERE ISN'T A SCAR.
THERE ISN'T A WELT.

THERE ISN'T A SCAR.
THERE ISN'T A WELT.
THERE ISN'T A MARK... NOTHING.

THERE ISN'T A WELT.
THERE ISN'T A MARK... NOTHING.
BELUSHI... A GREAT CHARACTER

THERE ISN'T A MARK... NOTHING.
BELUSHI... A GREAT CHARACTER
ACTOR.

BELUSHI... A GREAT CHARACTER
ACTOR.
YOU'VE SEEN HIM PLAY PART AFTER

ACTOR.
YOU'VE SEEN HIM PLAY PART AFTER
PART, AND HE'S REALLY

YOU'VE SEEN HIM PLAY PART AFTER
PART, AND HE'S REALLY
SENSATIONAL.

PART, AND HE'S REALLY
SENSATIONAL.
THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL HOW

SENSATIONAL.
THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL HOW
HEAVILY IN DEBT TO THE MAFIA HE

THERE IS NO WAY TO TELL HOW
HEAVILY IN DEBT TO THE MAFIA HE
IS.

HEAVILY IN DEBT TO THE MAFIA HE
IS.
I MEAN, THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO

IS.
I MEAN, THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH HIS TALENT.

I MEAN, THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO
WITH HIS TALENT.
LARAINE... SHE'S 23 YEARS OLD,

WITH HIS TALENT.
LARAINE... SHE'S 23 YEARS OLD,
AND THAT'S A TALENTED KID.

LARAINE... SHE'S 23 YEARS OLD,
AND THAT'S A TALENTED KID.
WHERE DOES SHE GET IT?

AND THAT'S A TALENTED KID.
WHERE DOES SHE GET IT?
THEY SAY THAT COMEDY OFTEN COMES

WHERE DOES SHE GET IT?
THEY SAY THAT COMEDY OFTEN COMES
FROM PAIN, AND SURE, PROBABLY A

THEY SAY THAT COMEDY OFTEN COMES
FROM PAIN, AND SURE, PROBABLY A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HURT HER.

FROM PAIN, AND SURE, PROBABLY A
LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HURT HER.
A LOT OF MEN HAVE HURT HER.

LOT OF PEOPLE HAVE HURT HER.
A LOT OF MEN HAVE HURT HER.
HUNDREDS OF MEN HAVE HURT HER,

A LOT OF MEN HAVE HURT HER.
HUNDREDS OF MEN HAVE HURT HER,
LET ME BE HONEST WITH YOU.

HUNDREDS OF MEN HAVE HURT HER,
LET ME BE HONEST WITH YOU.
HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS, BUT

LET ME BE HONEST WITH YOU.
HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS, BUT
THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH

HUNDREDS, MAYBE THOUSANDS, BUT
THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH
WHAT SHE GIVES US OUT HERE EVERY

THAT'S GOT NOTHING TO DO WITH
WHAT SHE GIVES US OUT HERE EVERY
SATURDAY, AND DANNY AYKROYD?

WHAT SHE GIVES US OUT HERE EVERY
SATURDAY, AND DANNY AYKROYD?
YOU THINK HE'S WEIRD?

SATURDAY, AND DANNY AYKROYD?
YOU THINK HE'S WEIRD?
'CAUSE HE SLEEPS WITH A BICYCLE

YOU THINK HE'S WEIRD?
'CAUSE HE SLEEPS WITH A BICYCLE
CHAIN IN HIS MOUTH?

'CAUSE HE SLEEPS WITH A BICYCLE
CHAIN IN HIS MOUTH?
THAT'S NOT WEIRD.

CHAIN IN HIS MOUTH?
THAT'S NOT WEIRD.
HE HAS LOVE.

THAT'S NOT WEIRD.
HE HAS LOVE.
HE'S FILLED WITH LOVE.

HE HAS LOVE.
HE'S FILLED WITH LOVE.
NOT PEOPLE.

HE'S FILLED WITH LOVE.
NOT PEOPLE.
ANIMALS, MOSTLY.

NOT PEOPLE.
ANIMALS, MOSTLY.
THERE'S A GOAT IN HIS DRESSING

ANIMALS, MOSTLY.
THERE'S A GOAT IN HIS DRESSING
ROOM.

THERE'S A GOAT IN HIS DRESSING
ROOM.
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU

ROOM.
HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THAT.

HE DIDN'T WANT ME TO TELL YOU
ABOUT THAT.
LISTEN, LET'S TALK ABOUT GILDA

ABOUT THAT.
LISTEN, LET'S TALK ABOUT GILDA
FOR A MOMENT.

LISTEN, LET'S TALK ABOUT GILDA
FOR A MOMENT.
SHE IS, PERHAPS, THE SWEETEST

FOR A MOMENT.
SHE IS, PERHAPS, THE SWEETEST
MEMBER OF THE GROUP.

SHE IS, PERHAPS, THE SWEETEST
MEMBER OF THE GROUP.
SHE'S GOT THE BIGGEST HEART.

MEMBER OF THE GROUP.
SHE'S GOT THE BIGGEST HEART.
SHE'S VERY CLOSE TO HER FAMILY,

SHE'S GOT THE BIGGEST HEART.
SHE'S VERY CLOSE TO HER FAMILY,
VERY CLOSE TO HER BROTHER.

SHE'S VERY CLOSE TO HER FAMILY,
VERY CLOSE TO HER BROTHER.
SHE LIVES WITH HER BROTHER.

VERY CLOSE TO HER BROTHER.
SHE LIVES WITH HER BROTHER.
SHE'S EXTREMELY CLOSE TO HER

SHE LIVES WITH HER BROTHER.
SHE'S EXTREMELY CLOSE TO HER
BROTHER.

SHE'S EXTREMELY CLOSE TO HER
BROTHER.
HER DOCTOR IS... WORRIED.

BROTHER.
HER DOCTOR IS... WORRIED.
NOT ALARMED... HE JUST THINKS A

HER DOCTOR IS... WORRIED.
NOT ALARMED... HE JUST THINKS A
CHILD AT THIS TIME WOULD BE

NOT ALARMED... HE JUST THINKS A
CHILD AT THIS TIME WOULD BE
UNWISE, BUT THESE THINGS DON'T

CHILD AT THIS TIME WOULD BE
UNWISE, BUT THESE THINGS DON'T
MATTER.

UNWISE, BUT THESE THINGS DON'T
MATTER.
LET'S TAKE GARRETT MORRIS.

MATTER.
LET'S TAKE GARRETT MORRIS.
TALK ABOUT TALENT!

LET'S TAKE GARRETT MORRIS.
TALK ABOUT TALENT!
HE CAN ACT.

TALK ABOUT TALENT!
HE CAN ACT.
HE CAN SING.

HE CAN ACT.
HE CAN SING.
HE CAN DANCE.

HE CAN SING.
HE CAN DANCE.
I'VE SEEN HIS WRITING.

HE CAN DANCE.
I'VE SEEN HIS WRITING.
IT'S SENSATIONAL.

I'VE SEEN HIS WRITING.
IT'S SENSATIONAL.
HE'S GOT ANOTHER TALENT YOU

IT'S SENSATIONAL.
HE'S GOT ANOTHER TALENT YOU
PROBABLY DON'T...

HE'S GOT ANOTHER TALENT YOU
PROBABLY DON'T...
HE'D BE EMBARRASSED IF I, UH,

PROBABLY DON'T...
HE'D BE EMBARRASSED IF I, UH,
TOLD YOU.

HE'D BE EMBARRASSED IF I, UH,
TOLD YOU.
OH, WELL.

TOLD YOU.
OH, WELL.
CANNIBALISM.

OH, WELL.
CANNIBALISM.
I MEAN, UH... I'M SORRY.

CANNIBALISM.
I MEAN, UH... I'M SORRY.
DID I SAY "CANNIBALISM"?

I MEAN, UH... I'M SORRY.
DID I SAY "CANNIBALISM"?
I MEANT SKIING.

DID I SAY "CANNIBALISM"?
I MEANT SKIING.
I MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING OF

I MEANT SKIING.
I MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING OF
THE ALPS AND THE ANDES AND

I MUST HAVE BEEN THINKING OF
THE ALPS AND THE ANDES AND
THAT PLANE... WELL, WHAT DOES IT

THE ALPS AND THE ANDES AND
THAT PLANE... WELL, WHAT DOES IT
MATTER?

THAT PLANE... WELL, WHAT DOES IT
MATTER?
HE SKIS, AND HE'S A WONDERFUL

MATTER?
HE SKIS, AND HE'S A WONDERFUL
COOK, AND HE GOES UP TO THAT

HE SKIS, AND HE'S A WONDERFUL
COOK, AND HE GOES UP TO THAT
LODGE IN THE ANDES, AND HE

COOK, AND HE GOES UP TO THAT
LODGE IN THE ANDES, AND HE
COOKS, AND, UH...

LODGE IN THE ANDES, AND HE
COOKS, AND, UH...
LEG OF WHITE MAN, STUFF LIKE

COOKS, AND, UH...
LEG OF WHITE MAN, STUFF LIKE
THAT.

LEG OF WHITE MAN, STUFF LIKE
THAT.
HE'S AN INCREDIBLE GUY.

THAT.
HE'S AN INCREDIBLE GUY.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT CHEVY.

HE'S AN INCREDIBLE GUY.
NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT CHEVY.
IT'S HIS LAST SHOW, AND YOU

NOW LET'S TALK ABOUT CHEVY.
IT'S HIS LAST SHOW, AND YOU
PROBABLY THINK FROM READING IN

IT'S HIS LAST SHOW, AND YOU
PROBABLY THINK FROM READING IN
THE PAPERS THAT HE'S GOING TO

PROBABLY THINK FROM READING IN
THE PAPERS THAT HE'S GOING TO
HOLLYWOOD AND HE'S GOING TO

THE PAPERS THAT HE'S GOING TO
HOLLYWOOD AND HE'S GOING TO
FAME, FORTUNE, AND ALL THAT

HOLLYWOOD AND HE'S GOING TO
FAME, FORTUNE, AND ALL THAT
GARBAGE.

FAME, FORTUNE, AND ALL THAT
GARBAGE.
HE IS NOT INTERESTED.

GARBAGE.
HE IS NOT INTERESTED.
HE DOESN'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT HIS

HE IS NOT INTERESTED.
HE DOESN'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT HIS
CAREER.

HE DOESN'T GIVE A HOOT ABOUT HIS
CAREER.
HE IS LEAVING THIS SHOW MONDAY

CAREER.
HE IS LEAVING THIS SHOW MONDAY
SIMPLY TO BE WITH LLOYD.

HE IS LEAVING THIS SHOW MONDAY
SIMPLY TO BE WITH LLOYD.
THEY'RE OPENING A DRESS SHOP

SIMPLY TO BE WITH LLOYD.
THEY'RE OPENING A DRESS SHOP
TOGETHER, AND WITH WHAT LLOYD

THEY'RE OPENING A DRESS SHOP
TOGETHER, AND WITH WHAT LLOYD
KNOWS ABOUT BUSINESS AND

TOGETHER, AND WITH WHAT LLOYD
KNOWS ABOUT BUSINESS AND
CHEVY'S INTEREST IN AND

KNOWS ABOUT BUSINESS AND
CHEVY'S INTEREST IN AND
KNOWLEDGE ABOUT WOMEN'S CLOTHES,

CHEVY'S INTEREST IN AND
KNOWLEDGE ABOUT WOMEN'S CLOTHES,
WE KNOW IT'S GONNA BE

KNOWLEDGE ABOUT WOMEN'S CLOTHES,
WE KNOW IT'S GONNA BE
SUCCESSFUL, AND WE WISH HIM THE

WE KNOW IT'S GONNA BE
SUCCESSFUL, AND WE WISH HIM THE
VERY BEST, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT

SUCCESSFUL, AND WE WISH HIM THE
VERY BEST, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.

VERY BEST, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT
BACK.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW ANOTHER
EPISODE OF...

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
[PHONE BUZZES]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[PHONE BUZZES]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Mr. Dantley's here to see

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
Mr. Dantley's here to see
you.

Mr. Dantley's here to see
you.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

you.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
MR. MIKARAKI?

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
MR. MIKARAKI?
HUH?

MR. MIKARAKI?
HUH?
MIKARAKI... MR. MIKARAKI?

HUH?
MIKARAKI... MR. MIKARAKI?
LISTEN, I, UH... I'M GONNA GET

MIKARAKI... MR. MIKARAKI?
LISTEN, I, UH... I'M GONNA GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.

LISTEN, I, UH... I'M GONNA GET
RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I AM VERY, VERY UNHAPPY.

RIGHT TO THE POINT.
I AM VERY, VERY UNHAPPY.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

I AM VERY, VERY UNHAPPY.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
NO, THANKS, I'M TRYING TO

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
NO, THANKS, I'M TRYING TO
STOP SMOKING.

NO, THANKS, I'M TRYING TO
STOP SMOKING.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

STOP SMOKING.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
NOW... NOW, LISTEN TO ME.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
NOW... NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
THE MARGIN CALL THIS MORNING ON

NOW... NOW, LISTEN TO ME.
THE MARGIN CALL THIS MORNING ON
MY STOCKS WAS HIGHER THAN EVER.

THE MARGIN CALL THIS MORNING ON
MY STOCKS WAS HIGHER THAN EVER.
I'M STARTING TO PANIC.

MY STOCKS WAS HIGHER THAN EVER.
I'M STARTING TO PANIC.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT ONE YEAR AGO

I'M STARTING TO PANIC.
DO YOU REALIZE THAT ONE YEAR AGO
I WAS ON TOP OF THE WORLD?

DO YOU REALIZE THAT ONE YEAR AGO
I WAS ON TOP OF THE WORLD?
I WAS SUPPORTING MY WIFE AND MY

I WAS ON TOP OF THE WORLD?
I WAS SUPPORTING MY WIFE AND MY
THREE CHILDREN.

I WAS SUPPORTING MY WIFE AND MY
THREE CHILDREN.
I ALSO HAD THAT APARTMENT IN

THREE CHILDREN.
I ALSO HAD THAT APARTMENT IN
TOWN WITH A LITTLE FRIEND OF

I ALSO HAD THAT APARTMENT IN
TOWN WITH A LITTLE FRIEND OF
MINE.

TOWN WITH A LITTLE FRIEND OF
MINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... YEAH.

MINE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I... YEAH.
BUT TODAY, IT'S A DIFFERENT

YOU KNOW WHAT I... YEAH.
BUT TODAY, IT'S A DIFFERENT
STORY ALTOGETHER.

BUT TODAY, IT'S A DIFFERENT
STORY ALTOGETHER.
I BELIEVED IN YOU.

STORY ALTOGETHER.
I BELIEVED IN YOU.
I TOOK ALL MY SHARES OF IBM,

I BELIEVED IN YOU.
I TOOK ALL MY SHARES OF IBM,
AT&T, AND GENERAL MOTORS, I SOLD

I TOOK ALL MY SHARES OF IBM,
AT&T, AND GENERAL MOTORS, I SOLD
THEM EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD ME TO,

AT&T, AND GENERAL MOTORS, I SOLD
THEM EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD ME TO,
AND I INVESTED THEM IN THAT

THEM EXACTLY AS YOU TOLD ME TO,
AND I INVESTED THEM IN THAT
CHAIN OF GAY SUSHI BARS.

AND I INVESTED THEM IN THAT
CHAIN OF GAY SUSHI BARS.
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.

CHAIN OF GAY SUSHI BARS.
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
IT AMOUNTED TO NOTHING.

BUT IT DIDN'T WORK.
IT AMOUNTED TO NOTHING.
THE STOCK'S GONE DOWN 11 POINTS.

IT AMOUNTED TO NOTHING.
THE STOCK'S GONE DOWN 11 POINTS.
LOOK AT IT.

THE STOCK'S GONE DOWN 11 POINTS.
LOOK AT IT.
YOU SAID THAT THIS STOCK WOULD

LOOK AT IT.
YOU SAID THAT THIS STOCK WOULD
SPLIT, 3 FOR 1.

YOU SAID THAT THIS STOCK WOULD
SPLIT, 3 FOR 1.
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE

SPLIT, 3 FOR 1.
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE]
WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S...

[LANGUAGE]
WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S...
THAT'S A LITTLE BIT BETTER, BUT

WELL, I SUPPOSE THAT'S...
THAT'S A LITTLE BIT BETTER, BUT
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I'M

THAT'S A LITTLE BIT BETTER, BUT
THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.

THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE THIRD

TALKING ABOUT.
ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE THIRD
QUARTER NET OF KENTUCKY MINES

ALL I KNOW IS THAT THE THIRD
QUARTER NET OF KENTUCKY MINES
WAS UP 6.2%.

QUARTER NET OF KENTUCKY MINES
WAS UP 6.2%.
LOOK AT THIS GRAPH.

WAS UP 6.2%.
LOOK AT THIS GRAPH.
LOOK, IT WENT RIGHT UP HERE, AND

LOOK AT THIS GRAPH.
LOOK, IT WENT RIGHT UP HERE, AND
WHAT HAPPENED?

LOOK, IT WENT RIGHT UP HERE, AND
WHAT HAPPENED?
SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER...

WHAT HAPPENED?
SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER...
INTO THE WELL-KNOWN TOILET!

SEPTEMBER, OCTOBER, NOVEMBER...
INTO THE WELL-KNOWN TOILET!
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN, BUT...
BUT I NEED SECURITY!
THAT'S THE POINT.

BUT I NEED SECURITY!
THAT'S THE POINT.
LOOK, CONSIDERING MY ASSETS,

THAT'S THE POINT.
LOOK, CONSIDERING MY ASSETS,
WHATEVER THEY MAY BE AT THIS

LOOK, CONSIDERING MY ASSETS,
WHATEVER THEY MAY BE AT THIS
POINT, WOULD YOU THINK...

WHATEVER THEY MAY BE AT THIS
POINT, WOULD YOU THINK...
WOULD YOU THINK THAT

POINT, WOULD YOU THINK...
WOULD YOU THINK THAT
FOLDGER MUTUAL WOULD BE A GOOD

WOULD YOU THINK THAT
FOLDGER MUTUAL WOULD BE A GOOD
INVESTMENT?

FOLDGER MUTUAL WOULD BE A GOOD
INVESTMENT?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

INVESTMENT?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
WHAT?

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU FIGURE IT OUT FOR

WHAT?
WHY DON'T YOU FIGURE IT OUT FOR
ME ON THE MACHINE?

WHY DON'T YOU FIGURE IT OUT FOR
ME ON THE MACHINE?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

ME ON THE MACHINE?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
OKAY, NOW, CONSOLIDATED SALES

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
OKAY, NOW, CONSOLIDATED SALES
AND REVENUES ROSE 16% TO

OKAY, NOW, CONSOLIDATED SALES
AND REVENUES ROSE 16% TO
2.307 BILLION.

AND REVENUES ROSE 16% TO
2.307 BILLION.
THAT'S THE NET INCOME.

2.307 BILLION.
THAT'S THE NET INCOME.
AT $454 MILLION, THERE WAS A

THAT'S THE NET INCOME.
AT $454 MILLION, THERE WAS A
GAIN OF 91% FROM LAST YEAR.

AT $454 MILLION, THERE WAS A
GAIN OF 91% FROM LAST YEAR.
91%.

GAIN OF 91% FROM LAST YEAR.
91%.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

91%.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
91%!

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
91%!
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE

91%!
[SHOUTING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE]

[SHOUTING IN NATIVE
LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT, MY QUESTION IS

[LANGUAGE]
ALL RIGHT, MY QUESTION IS
CONSIDERING THE EXCHANGE ON MY

ALL RIGHT, MY QUESTION IS
CONSIDERING THE EXCHANGE ON MY
STOCKS AND OPTIONS AT $3.95 A

CONSIDERING THE EXCHANGE ON MY
STOCKS AND OPTIONS AT $3.95 A
SHARE, HOW MANY SHARES CAN I NOW

STOCKS AND OPTIONS AT $3.95 A
SHARE, HOW MANY SHARES CAN I NOW
AFFORD TO BUY?

SHARE, HOW MANY SHARES CAN I NOW
AFFORD TO BUY?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

FOUR?
FOUR?!
I'M WIPED OUT!

FOUR?!
I'M WIPED OUT!
I'M BANKRUPT!

I'M WIPED OUT!
I'M BANKRUPT!
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?

I'M BANKRUPT!
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
BECAUSE OF YOUR ADVICE.

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TELLING ME?
BECAUSE OF YOUR ADVICE.
BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO

BECAUSE OF YOUR ADVICE.
BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO
DO, I AM TOTALLY BANKRUPT.

BECAUSE OF WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO
DO, I AM TOTALLY BANKRUPT.
IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

DO, I AM TOTALLY BANKRUPT.
IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
I'M SHOCKED.

IT IS ALL YOUR FAULT.
I'M SHOCKED.
I EXPECTED GOOD ADVICE FROM YOU.

I'M SHOCKED.
I EXPECTED GOOD ADVICE FROM YOU.
AND WHAT DO I GET?

I EXPECTED GOOD ADVICE FROM YOU.
AND WHAT DO I GET?
MY OWN BROKER... HE TOLD ME THE

AND WHAT DO I GET?
MY OWN BROKER... HE TOLD ME THE
WORST THINGS TO DO, AND I PAY

MY OWN BROKER... HE TOLD ME THE
WORST THINGS TO DO, AND I PAY
ATTENTION TO HIM, AND I...

WORST THINGS TO DO, AND I PAY
ATTENTION TO HIM, AND I...
[GRUNTS]

ATTENTION TO HIM, AND I...
[GRUNTS]
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.

[GRUNTS]
WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
IT'S NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.

WAIT A SECOND, WAIT A SECOND.
IT'S NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.
I TAKE IT BACK.

IT'S NOT ENTIRELY YOUR FAULT.
I TAKE IT BACK.
I'M SORRY.

I TAKE IT BACK.
I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

I'M SORRY.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I KNOW, BUT YOU CAN PLUG IT

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I KNOW, BUT YOU CAN PLUG IT
UP.

I KNOW, BUT YOU CAN PLUG IT
UP.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL

UP.
I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL
WITH MY INVESTMENTS MYSELF.

I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE CAREFUL
WITH MY INVESTMENTS MYSELF.
I KNOW THAT.

WITH MY INVESTMENTS MYSELF.
I KNOW THAT.
I SHOULD HAVE HAD A SAVINGS

I KNOW THAT.
I SHOULD HAVE HAD A SAVINGS
ACCOUNT.

I SHOULD HAVE HAD A SAVINGS
ACCOUNT.
I'M IN DEBT UP TO HERE.

ACCOUNT.
I'M IN DEBT UP TO HERE.
I OWE EVERYONE MONEY.

I'M IN DEBT UP TO HERE.
I OWE EVERYONE MONEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.

I OWE EVERYONE MONEY.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I KNOW THAT THE STRESS YOU GO

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I KNOW THAT THE STRESS YOU GO
THROUGH WITH WALL STREET IS A

I KNOW THAT THE STRESS YOU GO
THROUGH WITH WALL STREET IS A
BIG AGGRAVATION.

THROUGH WITH WALL STREET IS A
BIG AGGRAVATION.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

BIG AGGRAVATION.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
AN ULCER?

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
AN ULCER?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

AN ULCER?
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
OH, WELL.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
OH, WELL.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

OH, WELL.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I KNOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
I KNOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING... IF THIS OFFICE HAD

I KNOW, BUT I'LL TELL YOU
SOMETHING... IF THIS OFFICE HAD
A WINDOW, I'D JUMP OUT OF IT.

SOMETHING... IF THIS OFFICE HAD
A WINDOW, I'D JUMP OUT OF IT.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

A WINDOW, I'D JUMP OUT OF IT.
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
YEAH.

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
YEAH.
OH, YEAH.

YEAH.
OH, YEAH.
[SCREAMING]

Announcer: TUNE IN NEXT WEEK
FOR ANOTHER EPISODE OF...

GOOD EVENING.
I'M BARBARA WAWA, AND WELCOME TO
"NOT FOR FIRST WADIES ONWY."

I'M BARBARA WAWA, AND WELCOME TO
"NOT FOR FIRST WADIES ONWY."
YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T

"NOT FOR FIRST WADIES ONWY."
YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T
WEALIZE THAT WHEN THEY EWECT A

YOU KNOW, MANY PEOPLE DON'T
WEALIZE THAT WHEN THEY EWECT A
PWESIDENT, THEY EWECT A FIRST

WEALIZE THAT WHEN THEY EWECT A
PWESIDENT, THEY EWECT A FIRST
WADY, TOO.

PWESIDENT, THEY EWECT A FIRST
WADY, TOO.
SO TONIGHT, SO I WANT TO

WADY, TOO.
SO TONIGHT, SO I WANT TO
ACQUAINT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE

SO TONIGHT, SO I WANT TO
ACQUAINT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
WITH THE CANDIDATES FOR THAT

ACQUAINT THE AMERICAN PEOPLE
WITH THE CANDIDATES FOR THAT
POSITION.

WITH THE CANDIDATES FOR THAT
POSITION.
MRS. BETTY FORD AND

POSITION.
MRS. BETTY FORD AND
MRS. WOSALYNN CARTER.

MRS. BETTY FORD AND
MRS. WOSALYNN CARTER.
HELLO, WADIES.

MRS. WOSALYNN CARTER.
HELLO, WADIES.
HOW DO YOU DO?

HELLO, WADIES.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HELLO, BARBARA.

HOW DO YOU DO?
HELLO, BARBARA.
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS

HELLO, BARBARA.
NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS
IN AN EXTWEMELY UNPWESSURED

NOW, WE'RE GOING TO DO THIS
IN AN EXTWEMELY UNPWESSURED
MANNER.

IN AN EXTWEMELY UNPWESSURED
MANNER.
THIS WILL BE A FWEE-FORM FOWUM,

MANNER.
THIS WILL BE A FWEE-FORM FOWUM,
FWANK AND FWENDLY, WHERE WE

THIS WILL BE A FWEE-FORM FOWUM,
FWANK AND FWENDLY, WHERE WE
WEALLY WELATE.

FWANK AND FWENDLY, WHERE WE
WEALLY WELATE.
ALL WIGHT.

WEALLY WELATE.
ALL WIGHT.
THE FIRST THING I'D LIKE TO

ALL WIGHT.
THE FIRST THING I'D LIKE TO
KNOW, MRS. FORD... WHAT HAS MADE

THE FIRST THING I'D LIKE TO
KNOW, MRS. FORD... WHAT HAS MADE
YOU A GWEAT FIRST WADY?

KNOW, MRS. FORD... WHAT HAS MADE
YOU A GWEAT FIRST WADY?
WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE

YOU A GWEAT FIRST WADY?
WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
I'M THE KIND OF PERSON THAT YOU

WELL, I THINK IT'S BECAUSE
I'M THE KIND OF PERSON THAT YOU
CAN'T PICTURE GOING TO THE

I'M THE KIND OF PERSON THAT YOU
CAN'T PICTURE GOING TO THE
BATHROOM.

CAN'T PICTURE GOING TO THE
BATHROOM.
WELL, THAT'S CERTAINWY TWUE.

BATHROOM.
WELL, THAT'S CERTAINWY TWUE.
YES, BUT AREN'T THERE MORE

WELL, THAT'S CERTAINWY TWUE.
YES, BUT AREN'T THERE MORE
IMPORTANT TWAITS REQUIRED?

YES, BUT AREN'T THERE MORE
IMPORTANT TWAITS REQUIRED?
WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULDN'T THE

IMPORTANT TWAITS REQUIRED?
WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULDN'T THE
FIRST WADY HAVE A SPECIAL

WHY, FOR EXAMPLE, SHOULDN'T THE
FIRST WADY HAVE A SPECIAL
CWOSENESS WITH HER HUSBAND?

FIRST WADY HAVE A SPECIAL
CWOSENESS WITH HER HUSBAND?
LET ME ASK YOU A VERY FWANK

CWOSENESS WITH HER HUSBAND?
LET ME ASK YOU A VERY FWANK
QUESTION... THE KIND I'M SO

LET ME ASK YOU A VERY FWANK
QUESTION... THE KIND I'M SO
FAMOUS FOR.

QUESTION... THE KIND I'M SO
FAMOUS FOR.
DO EITHER OF YOU TWO WADIES

FAMOUS FOR.
DO EITHER OF YOU TWO WADIES
STILL EVER SWEEP WITH YOUR

DO EITHER OF YOU TWO WADIES
STILL EVER SWEEP WITH YOUR
HUSBANDS?

STILL EVER SWEEP WITH YOUR
HUSBANDS?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESS

HUSBANDS?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESS
HAS QUOTED ME AS SAYING, "I

WELL, AS YOU KNOW, THE PRESS
HAS QUOTED ME AS SAYING, "I
SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND WHENEVER I

HAS QUOTED ME AS SAYING, "I
SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND WHENEVER I
CAN," AND IT'S TRUE.

SLEEP WITH MY HUSBAND WHENEVER I
CAN," AND IT'S TRUE.
I MEAN, WHEN I'M NOT OUT

CAN," AND IT'S TRUE.
I MEAN, WHEN I'M NOT OUT
CAMPAIGNING OR ATTENDING AFFAIRS

I MEAN, WHEN I'M NOT OUT
CAMPAIGNING OR ATTENDING AFFAIRS
OF STATE, I'M SLEEPING WITH MY

CAMPAIGNING OR ATTENDING AFFAIRS
OF STATE, I'M SLEEPING WITH MY
HUSBAND.

OF STATE, I'M SLEEPING WITH MY
HUSBAND.
BEFORE LUNCH, AFTER DINNER, IN

HUSBAND.
BEFORE LUNCH, AFTER DINNER, IN
ELEVATORS, BEHIND BIG STATUES,

BEFORE LUNCH, AFTER DINNER, IN
ELEVATORS, BEHIND BIG STATUES,
I'M SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND

ELEVATORS, BEHIND BIG STATUES,
I'M SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND
WHENEVER I CAN.

I'M SLEEPING WITH MY HUSBAND
WHENEVER I CAN.
AND WHENEVER I CAN'T, I STAY

WHENEVER I CAN.
AND WHENEVER I CAN'T, I STAY
AWAKE WITH MY HUSBAND AND DO YOU

AND WHENEVER I CAN'T, I STAY
AWAKE WITH MY HUSBAND AND DO YOU
KNOW WHAT.

AWAKE WITH MY HUSBAND AND DO YOU
KNOW WHAT.
UH, AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,

KNOW WHAT.
UH, AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MRS. CARTER?

UH, AND WHAT ABOUT YOU,
MRS. CARTER?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND

MRS. CARTER?
WELL, AS YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND
AND I LUST AFTER EACH OTHER IN

WELL, AS YOU KNOW, MY HUSBAND
AND I LUST AFTER EACH OTHER IN
OUR MINDS.

AND I LUST AFTER EACH OTHER IN
OUR MINDS.
AND WHEN THE MOOD IS RIGHT, WE

OUR MINDS.
AND WHEN THE MOOD IS RIGHT, WE
DO IT EXACTLY AT THE SAME TIME.

AND WHEN THE MOOD IS RIGHT, WE
DO IT EXACTLY AT THE SAME TIME.
YES, BUT I STILL DON'T SEE

DO IT EXACTLY AT THE SAME TIME.
YES, BUT I STILL DON'T SEE
HOW YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR

YES, BUT I STILL DON'T SEE
HOW YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR
HUSBANDS.

HOW YOU'RE SUPPORTIVE OF YOUR
HUSBANDS.
MRS. FORD?

HUSBANDS.
MRS. FORD?
WELL, I GIVE THOSE STUNNINGLY

MRS. FORD?
WELL, I GIVE THOSE STUNNINGLY
FRANK AND CANDID INTERVIEWS TO

WELL, I GIVE THOSE STUNNINGLY
FRANK AND CANDID INTERVIEWS TO
THE PRESS, WHICH MAKE ME APPEAR

FRANK AND CANDID INTERVIEWS TO
THE PRESS, WHICH MAKE ME APPEAR
INTELLIGENT AND AWARE AND HELP

THE PRESS, WHICH MAKE ME APPEAR
INTELLIGENT AND AWARE AND HELP
DISGUISE THE FACT THAT MY

INTELLIGENT AND AWARE AND HELP
DISGUISE THE FACT THAT MY
HUSBAND IS A DIM BULB.

DISGUISE THE FACT THAT MY
HUSBAND IS A DIM BULB.
UH, MRS CARTER?

HUSBAND IS A DIM BULB.
UH, MRS CARTER?
WELL, MY ONLY RESPONSE TO

UH, MRS CARTER?
WELL, MY ONLY RESPONSE TO
THAT IS THAT HE WON THE

WELL, MY ONLY RESPONSE TO
THAT IS THAT HE WON THE
PRIMARIES, HE GOT THE

THAT IS THAT HE WON THE
PRIMARIES, HE GOT THE
NOMINATION, HE RAN A TERRIFIC

PRIMARIES, HE GOT THE
NOMINATION, HE RAN A TERRIFIC
CAMPAIGN, AND I HELPED.

NOMINATION, HE RAN A TERRIFIC
CAMPAIGN, AND I HELPED.
ALL RIGHT, WADIES, LET'S GET

CAMPAIGN, AND I HELPED.
ALL RIGHT, WADIES, LET'S GET
SEWIOUS.

ALL RIGHT, WADIES, LET'S GET
SEWIOUS.
NEITHER OF YOU TWULY QUALIFIES

SEWIOUS.
NEITHER OF YOU TWULY QUALIFIES
TO BE FIRST WADY.

NEITHER OF YOU TWULY QUALIFIES
TO BE FIRST WADY.
I MEAN, YOU AREN'T ARTICUWATE.

TO BE FIRST WADY.
I MEAN, YOU AREN'T ARTICUWATE.
YOU AREN'T INFORMED.

I MEAN, YOU AREN'T ARTICUWATE.
YOU AREN'T INFORMED.
YOU AREN'T GWAMOROUS.

YOU AREN'T INFORMED.
YOU AREN'T GWAMOROUS.
YOU AREN'T ME.

YOU AREN'T GWAMOROUS.
YOU AREN'T ME.
I MEAN, WEALLY, WHO DOES DESERVE

YOU AREN'T ME.
I MEAN, WEALLY, WHO DOES DESERVE
TO BE FIRST WADY?

I MEAN, WEALLY, WHO DOES DESERVE
TO BE FIRST WADY?
ME... BARBARA WAWA.

TO BE FIRST WADY?
ME... BARBARA WAWA.
FIRST WADY OF TEWEVISION.

ME... BARBARA WAWA.
FIRST WADY OF TEWEVISION.
DON'T YOU AGWEE?

FIRST WADY OF TEWEVISION.
DON'T YOU AGWEE?
HAVE YOU GOT ANY PET NAMES

DON'T YOU AGWEE?
HAVE YOU GOT ANY PET NAMES
FOR YOUR HUSBAND?

HAVE YOU GOT ANY PET NAMES
FOR YOUR HUSBAND?
OH, WELL, JIMMY... WHEN HE

FOR YOUR HUSBAND?
OH, WELL, JIMMY... WHEN HE
DRESSES UP LIKE

OH, WELL, JIMMY... WHEN HE
DRESSES UP LIKE
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT... THEN I CALL

DRESSES UP LIKE
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT... THEN I CALL
HIM "ELLE" OR "ELEANOR" OR

ELEANOR ROOSEVELT... THEN I CALL
HIM "ELLE" OR "ELEANOR" OR
"MRS. ROOSEVELT."

HIM "ELLE" OR "ELEANOR" OR
"MRS. ROOSEVELT."
WHAT DO YOU CALL JERRY?

"MRS. ROOSEVELT."
WHAT DO YOU CALL JERRY?
WELL, OF COURSE, THERE'S

WHAT DO YOU CALL JERRY?
WELL, OF COURSE, THERE'S
DIM BULB.

WELL, OF COURSE, THERE'S
DIM BULB.
MR. DIM BULB.

DIM BULB.
MR. DIM BULB.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.

MR. DIM BULB.
WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
OF COURSE, I HAVE A TERWIFFIC

WAIT A MINUTE, WAIT A MINUTE.
OF COURSE, I HAVE A TERWIFFIC
PERSONALITY.

OF COURSE, I HAVE A TERWIFFIC
PERSONALITY.
I'M NOT TOO WIPPLE.

PERSONALITY.
I'M NOT TOO WIPPLE.
I WOVE BWASS, THOUGH.

I'M NOT TOO WIPPLE.
I WOVE BWASS, THOUGH.
I CAN SAY "HARRY WEESNER."

I WOVE BWASS, THOUGH.
I CAN SAY "HARRY WEESNER."
HARRY WEESNER?

I CAN SAY "HARRY WEESNER."
HARRY WEESNER?
HARRY WEE...

HARRY WEESNER?
HARRY WEE...
[LAUGHS]

HARRY WEE...
[LAUGHS]
AND THAT CHICKEN HEAD!

[LAUGHS]
AND THAT CHICKEN HEAD!
I WOULD WIKE TO BE FIRST.

AND THAT CHICKEN HEAD!
I WOULD WIKE TO BE FIRST.
PWETTY PWEASE?

I WOULD WIKE TO BE FIRST.
PWETTY PWEASE?
COULD I BE FIRST WADY?

COULD I BE FIRST WADY?
PWEASE.

PWEASE.
I WOULD WEALLY LIKE TO BE.

I WOULD WEALLY LIKE TO BE.
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN
BARBARA WAWA WITH...

HELLO.
I'M GARRETT MORRIS.
I'M A BLACK PERSON.

I'M GARRETT MORRIS.
I'M A BLACK PERSON.
RECENTLY, I BECAME INTERESTED IN

I'M A BLACK PERSON.
RECENTLY, I BECAME INTERESTED IN
MY BACKGROUND.

RECENTLY, I BECAME INTERESTED IN
MY BACKGROUND.
WHO AM I?

MY BACKGROUND.
WHO AM I?
WHERE DID I COME FROM?

WHO AM I?
WHERE DID I COME FROM?
THREE YEARS LOOKING THROUGH

WHERE DID I COME FROM?
THREE YEARS LOOKING THROUGH
DOCUMENTS, MEMORABILIA, AS WELL

THREE YEARS LOOKING THROUGH
DOCUMENTS, MEMORABILIA, AS WELL
AS WORLDWIDE TRAVEL, TRYING TO

DOCUMENTS, MEMORABILIA, AS WELL
AS WORLDWIDE TRAVEL, TRYING TO
FIND OUT MY ROOTS, BUT I FOUND

AS WORLDWIDE TRAVEL, TRYING TO
FIND OUT MY ROOTS, BUT I FOUND
OUT THAT THE MORRISES ARE TRULY

FIND OUT MY ROOTS, BUT I FOUND
OUT THAT THE MORRISES ARE TRULY
AN AMERICAN FAMILY.

OUT THAT THE MORRISES ARE TRULY
AN AMERICAN FAMILY.
IT ALL STARTED EARLY IN THE

AN AMERICAN FAMILY.
IT ALL STARTED EARLY IN THE
SPRING OF 1760 IN THE VILLAGE OF

IT ALL STARTED EARLY IN THE
SPRING OF 1760 IN THE VILLAGE OF
JAFAR, FOUR DAYS UPRIVER FROM

SPRING OF 1760 IN THE VILLAGE OF
JAFAR, FOUR DAYS UPRIVER FROM
THE COAST OF GAMBIA,

JAFAR, FOUR DAYS UPRIVER FROM
THE COAST OF GAMBIA,
WEST AFRICA.

AN ILLEGITIMATE CHILD WAS BORN

TO KINWAY AND BOTO.

NOW, IT WAS A BEAUTIFUL GIRL,

AND THEY CALLED HER REBA.

NOW, THOUGH KINWAY AND BOTO

REMAINED TO FACE THE WILES OF

AFRICA, THEY LONGED FOR A BETTER

WORLD FOR REBA, AND IT WAS HERE

THAT THE MORRISES BECAME PART OF

AMERICAN HERITAGE WHEN REBA CAME

TO AMERICA AND WAS EVENTUALLY

GANG-RAPED BY ALL THE SIGNERS OF

THE DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE.

NOW, SOON, REBA WAS WITH CHILD,

BUT WHOSE?

SHE GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY BOY,

AND BECAUSE NO ONE KNEW WHO THE

FATHER WAS, NO LAST NAME WAS

GIVEN, AND THEN, THE CHILD WAS

CALLED TED.

TED GREW UP BITTER, KNOWING WHAT

THE FOUNDING FATHERS DID TO HIS

MOTHER, AND TO AVENGE THIS DEED,

TED, AT THE AGE OF 7, HAD AN

AFFAIR WITH THE WIVES OF

ALEXANDER HAMILTON, GENERAL

GEORGE DUNCAN, ETHAN ALLEN, AND

GOVERNOR ROBERT VALENTINE.

OF COURSE, TED WAS HANGED, BUT

NOT BEFORE THESE FAMOUS WOMEN

BORE HIS CHILDREN...

WILLIAM HAMILTON, WALTER DUNCAN,

MARJORIE DUNCAN, LEWIS ALLEN,

AND, OF COURSE,

FRANKLIN VALENTINE.

NOW, THIS WAS 1860, ABOUT THE

TIME OF THE CIVIL WAR, WHEN,

ORDINARILY, BLACK PEOPLE WERE

ENSLAVED.

HOWEVER, BY THIS TIME, THE

MORRIS FAMILY WAS NOT DARK

ENOUGH TO BE SLAVES AND GOT AWAY

WITH JUST PAYING JUST A SMALL

FINE.

NOW, THESE ILLUSTRIOUS CHILDREN

MARRIED, WITH MARJORIE DUNCAN

TAKING CONFEDERATE GENERAL

GEORGE LITTLE AS HER HUSBAND.

TO ALL OF THEM CAME CHILDREN...

WALTER HAMILTON, ISAIAH DUNCAN,

ROBERT LITTLE, DANIEL ALLEN,

PATRICIA ALLEN,

ELIZABETH VALENTINE, AND, OF

COURSE, LLOYD VALENTINE.

UNTIL NOW, MY FAMILY HAD JUST

BEEN INVOLVED WITH POLITICS AND

THE MILITARY, BUT WE ROSE TO THE

OCCASION DURING THE INDUSTRIAL

REVOLUTION AS ISAIAH BECAME A

MANUFACTURER, AND WE ENTERED THE

ARTS WHEN ELIZABETH VALENTINE

MARRIED THE SCULPTOR

JOE DAVIDSON, AND THE

INTERNATIONAL SCENE WAS

PATRICIA ALLEN MARRYING FOREIGN

AMBASSADOR DAVID WINTERS.

AT THIS POINT, THE MORRIS FAMILY

BECAME PROMINENT AT THE TURN OF

THE CENTURY AS DAVID AND

PATRICIA HAD A SON NAMED

ARCHIBALD WINTERS.

AND THE DAVIDSONS, ASIDE FROM

HAVING A SON MICHAEL AND TWO

DAUGHTERS, ONE WHO MARRIED THE

THEN-CONGRESSMAN

ADLAI STEVENSON AND ANOTHER WHO

MARRIED BRIGADIER GENERAL

DANIEL LYNN, THESE OTHER

CHILDREN, IN ADDITION TO THE

MARRIAGE OF HAMILTON'S DAUGHTER

JODIE TO MARSHALL PLAN AUTHOR

GENERAL GEORGE C. MARSHALL, WAS

ACTUALLY THE BEGINNING OF A

FAMILY SHOW-BUSINESS TRADITION

WHEN THE MARSHALLS HAD A SON

NAMED PETER, WHO, WITH

PAUL LYNDE, KAREN VALENTINE,

SANDY DUNCAN, JOHN DAVIDSON,

JONATHAN WINTERS,

McLEAN STEVENSON, RICH LITTLE,

GEORGE HAMILTON, AND MARTY ALLEN

FORM "THE HOLLYWOOD SQUARES!"

AND ME, GARRETT MORRIS... I'M

THE SECRET SQUARE.

THANK YOU FOR GIVING ME THIS

OPPORTUNITY.

GOOD NIGHT!

Announcer: AND NOW THE

LEAGUE OF WOMEN VOTERS TOGETHER

WITH THE THREE TELEVISION

NETWORKS PRESENTS DEBATE '76.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M YOUR MODERATOR AT THIS, THE
THIRD AND LAST TELEVISED DEBATE

I'M YOUR MODERATOR AT THIS, THE
THIRD AND LAST TELEVISED DEBATE
BETWEEN THE TWO FINALISTS FOR

THIRD AND LAST TELEVISED DEBATE
BETWEEN THE TWO FINALISTS FOR
THE PRESIDENCY OF THE

BETWEEN THE TWO FINALISTS FOR
THE PRESIDENCY OF THE
UNITED STATES... THE DEMOCRATIC

THE PRESIDENCY OF THE
UNITED STATES... THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE, GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER,

UNITED STATES... THE DEMOCRATIC
NOMINEE, GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER,
AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE,

NOMINEE, GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER,
AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE,
GERALD FORD.

AND THE REPUBLICAN NOMINEE,
GERALD FORD.
ON OUR PANEL THIS EVENING WILL

GERALD FORD.
ON OUR PANEL THIS EVENING WILL
BE ANTHONY LEWIS OF THE

ON OUR PANEL THIS EVENING WILL
BE ANTHONY LEWIS OF THE
NEW YORK TIMES,

BE ANTHONY LEWIS OF THE
NEW YORK TIMES,
ELIZABETH CUMMINGS OF

NEW YORK TIMES,
ELIZABETH CUMMINGS OF
WOMEN'S WEAR DAILY, AND

ELIZABETH CUMMINGS OF
WOMEN'S WEAR DAILY, AND
ROGER SMITH, THE HUSBAND OF

WOMEN'S WEAR DAILY, AND
ROGER SMITH, THE HUSBAND OF
ANN-MARGRET.

ROGER SMITH, THE HUSBAND OF
ANN-MARGRET.
AS YOU KNOW, THE FIRST DEBATE

ANN-MARGRET.
AS YOU KNOW, THE FIRST DEBATE
EARLIER THIS YEAR COVERED

AS YOU KNOW, THE FIRST DEBATE
EARLIER THIS YEAR COVERED
DOMESTIC ISSUES, AND THE SECOND

EARLIER THIS YEAR COVERED
DOMESTIC ISSUES, AND THE SECOND
CONFRONTATION CONCERNED THE

DOMESTIC ISSUES, AND THE SECOND
CONFRONTATION CONCERNED THE
CANDIDATES VIEWS ON OUR FOREIGN

CONFRONTATION CONCERNED THE
CANDIDATES VIEWS ON OUR FOREIGN
POLICIES.

CANDIDATES VIEWS ON OUR FOREIGN
POLICIES.
THIS THIRD AND LAST OF THE

POLICIES.
THIS THIRD AND LAST OF THE
MEETINGS WILL COVER THE

THIS THIRD AND LAST OF THE
MEETINGS WILL COVER THE
INDIVIDUAL CANDIDATES' BEAUTY,

MEETINGS WILL COVER THE
INDIVIDUAL CANDIDATES' BEAUTY,
TALENTS, AND POISE.

INDIVIDUAL CANDIDATES' BEAUTY,
TALENTS, AND POISE.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LADIES

TALENTS, AND POISE.
SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, THE SWIMSUIT

SO WITHOUT FURTHER ADO, LADIES
AND GENTLEMEN, THE SWIMSUIT
COMPETITION.

AND GENTLEMEN, THE SWIMSUIT
COMPETITION.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]

COMPETITION.
[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
YES, INDEED.

[PIANO MUSIC PLAYS]
YES, INDEED.
ISN'T HE LOVELY?

YES, INDEED.
ISN'T HE LOVELY?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

ISN'T HE LOVELY?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. GEORGIA COMES TO US FROM THE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. GEORGIA COMES TO US FROM THE
TOWN OF PLAINS.

MR. GEORGIA COMES TO US FROM THE
TOWN OF PLAINS.
HE IS 5'10" IN HEIGHT, 160

TOWN OF PLAINS.
HE IS 5'10" IN HEIGHT, 160
POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS ARE

HE IS 5'10" IN HEIGHT, 160
POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS ARE
A VERY PLEASING 41-36-46.

POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS ARE
A VERY PLEASING 41-36-46.
HE ENJOYS CATCHING FISH,

A VERY PLEASING 41-36-46.
HE ENJOYS CATCHING FISH,
CLEANING AND SCALING FISH, AND

HE ENJOYS CATCHING FISH,
CLEANING AND SCALING FISH, AND
SECRETLY LUSTING AFTER FISH.

CLEANING AND SCALING FISH, AND
SECRETLY LUSTING AFTER FISH.
AND NOW... THANK YOU,

SECRETLY LUSTING AFTER FISH.
AND NOW... THANK YOU,
MR. GEORGIA.

AND NOW... THANK YOU,
MR. GEORGIA.
AND NOW MR. UNITED STATES.

MR. GEORGIA.
AND NOW MR. UNITED STATES.
THE VERY CHARMING

AND NOW MR. UNITED STATES.
THE VERY CHARMING
MR. UNITED STATES COMES TO US

THE VERY CHARMING
MR. UNITED STATES COMES TO US
FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.

MR. UNITED STATES COMES TO US
FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.
HE IS USUALLY 6'1" TALL, WEIGHS

FROM WASHINGTON, D.C.
HE IS USUALLY 6'1" TALL, WEIGHS
175 POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS

HE IS USUALLY 6'1" TALL, WEIGHS
175 POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS
ARE AN EYE-CATCHING 42-33-38.

175 POUNDS, AND HIS MEASUREMENTS
ARE AN EYE-CATCHING 42-33-38.
HE ENJOYS SWIMMING, FOOTBALL,

ARE AN EYE-CATCHING 42-33-38.
HE ENJOYS SWIMMING, FOOTBALL,
AND, INEXPLICABLY, SENDING MEN

HE ENJOYS SWIMMING, FOOTBALL,
AND, INEXPLICABLY, SENDING MEN
INTO CAMBODIA.

AND, INEXPLICABLY, SENDING MEN
INTO CAMBODIA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN.

INTO CAMBODIA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, WE COME TO THAT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, GENTLEMEN.
NOW, OF COURSE, WE COME TO THAT
PART OF THE COMPETITION IN WHICH

NOW, OF COURSE, WE COME TO THAT
PART OF THE COMPETITION IN WHICH
EACH OF THE CANDIDATES

PART OF THE COMPETITION IN WHICH
EACH OF THE CANDIDATES
DEMONSTRATES HIS OR HER

EACH OF THE CANDIDATES
DEMONSTRATES HIS OR HER
ABILITIES IN AREAS OTHER THAN

DEMONSTRATES HIS OR HER
ABILITIES IN AREAS OTHER THAN
DOMESTIC OR FOREIGN-POLICY

ABILITIES IN AREAS OTHER THAN
DOMESTIC OR FOREIGN-POLICY
DECISIONS.

DOMESTIC OR FOREIGN-POLICY
DECISIONS.
THIS IS THE ALL-IMPORTANT TALENT

DECISIONS.
THIS IS THE ALL-IMPORTANT TALENT
SEGMENT.

THIS IS THE ALL-IMPORTANT TALENT
SEGMENT.
AS DECIDED BY A FLIP OF A COIN

SEGMENT.
AS DECIDED BY A FLIP OF A COIN
EARLIER IN PHILADELPHIA, THE

AS DECIDED BY A FLIP OF A COIN
EARLIER IN PHILADELPHIA, THE
FIRST PERFORMER WILL BE

EARLIER IN PHILADELPHIA, THE
FIRST PERFORMER WILL BE
MR. GEORGIA.

FIRST PERFORMER WILL BE
MR. GEORGIA.
UH, THANK YOU.

MR. GEORGIA.
UH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

UH, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MR. MODERATOR, AS YOU KNOW, I

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
MR. MODERATOR, AS YOU KNOW, I
HAVE MANY OTHER INTERESTS OTHER

MR. MODERATOR, AS YOU KNOW, I
HAVE MANY OTHER INTERESTS OTHER
THAN POLITICS.

HAVE MANY OTHER INTERESTS OTHER
THAN POLITICS.
I'M A FARMER, AND I ACTIVELY

THAN POLITICS.
I'M A FARMER, AND I ACTIVELY
PARTICIPATED IN THE

I'M A FARMER, AND I ACTIVELY
PARTICIPATED IN THE
UNITED STATES NAVY NUCLEAR

PARTICIPATED IN THE
UNITED STATES NAVY NUCLEAR
SUBMARINE PROGRAM WHEN I WAS IN

UNITED STATES NAVY NUCLEAR
SUBMARINE PROGRAM WHEN I WAS IN
THE NAVY.

SUBMARINE PROGRAM WHEN I WAS IN
THE NAVY.
AND I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF

THE NAVY.
AND I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF
INTEREST IN THE SCIENCE FIELD,

AND I HAVE A GREAT DEAL OF
INTEREST IN THE SCIENCE FIELD,
PARTICULARLY DENTISTRY BECAUSE I

INTEREST IN THE SCIENCE FIELD,
PARTICULARLY DENTISTRY BECAUSE I
HAVE SUCH A NICE SET OF TEETH.

PARTICULARLY DENTISTRY BECAUSE I
HAVE SUCH A NICE SET OF TEETH.
YOU KNOW, FOR MY TALENT TONIGHT,

HAVE SUCH A NICE SET OF TEETH.
YOU KNOW, FOR MY TALENT TONIGHT,
I'D LIKE TO PERFORM A LITTLE

YOU KNOW, FOR MY TALENT TONIGHT,
I'D LIKE TO PERFORM A LITTLE
DENTAL WORK ON A SECRET SERVICE

I'D LIKE TO PERFORM A LITTLE
DENTAL WORK ON A SECRET SERVICE
AGENT.

DENTAL WORK ON A SECRET SERVICE
AGENT.
GO RIGHT TO IT, MR. GEORGIA.

AGENT.
GO RIGHT TO IT, MR. GEORGIA.
AND TONIGHT, ASSISTING ME, I

GO RIGHT TO IT, MR. GEORGIA.
AND TONIGHT, ASSISTING ME, I
HAVE MR. JOE MORGAN, ONE OF OUR

AND TONIGHT, ASSISTING ME, I
HAVE MR. JOE MORGAN, ONE OF OUR
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, AND HE'S

HAVE MR. JOE MORGAN, ONE OF OUR
SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, AND HE'S
FROM MOBILE, ALABAMA.

SECRET SERVICE AGENTS, AND HE'S
FROM MOBILE, ALABAMA.
JOE, WANT TO OPEN WIDE?

FROM MOBILE, ALABAMA.
JOE, WANT TO OPEN WIDE?
OKAY.

JOE, WANT TO OPEN WIDE?
OKAY.
[SCREAMS]

OKAY.
[SCREAMS]
NOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO

[SCREAMS]
NOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CLEAN THAT OUT AND PLUG IT UP

NOW, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO
CLEAN THAT OUT AND PLUG IT UP
AFTER THE DEBATE.

CLEAN THAT OUT AND PLUG IT UP
AFTER THE DEBATE.
UM, THE PATIENT HAS A MISSING

AFTER THE DEBATE.
UM, THE PATIENT HAS A MISSING
FILLING AND AN IMPACTED WISDOM

UM, THE PATIENT HAS A MISSING
FILLING AND AN IMPACTED WISDOM
TOOTH WITH A POSSIBLE ABSCESS.

FILLING AND AN IMPACTED WISDOM
TOOTH WITH A POSSIBLE ABSCESS.
THANK YOU.

TOOTH WITH A POSSIBLE ABSCESS.
THANK YOU.
AND THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.

THANK YOU.
AND THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.
THAT WAS VERY, VERY LOVELY.

AND THANK YOU, GOVERNOR.
THAT WAS VERY, VERY LOVELY.
AND THAT'S CERTAINLY A HANDSOME

THAT WAS VERY, VERY LOVELY.
AND THAT'S CERTAINLY A HANDSOME
DATE YOU'VE GOT THERE.

AND THAT'S CERTAINLY A HANDSOME
DATE YOU'VE GOT THERE.
AND NOW, OF COURSE,

DATE YOU'VE GOT THERE.
AND NOW, OF COURSE,
MR. GEORGIA'S OPPONENT,

AND NOW, OF COURSE,
MR. GEORGIA'S OPPONENT,
MR. UNITED STATES.

MR. GEORGIA'S OPPONENT,
MR. UNITED STATES.
YOUR TALENT, PLEASE.

MR. UNITED STATES.
YOUR TALENT, PLEASE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BA...

YOUR TALENT, PLEASE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BA...
BARNS.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. BA...
BARNS.
AS YOU MAY WELL KNOW, I HAVE

BARNS.
AS YOU MAY WELL KNOW, I HAVE
BELIEVED AND DO BELIEVE THIS

AS YOU MAY WELL KNOW, I HAVE
BELIEVED AND DO BELIEVE THIS
TIME THAT THE LEADER OF THE FREE

BELIEVED AND DO BELIEVE THIS
TIME THAT THE LEADER OF THE FREE
WORLD SHOULD BE COMMUNICATIVE

TIME THAT THE LEADER OF THE FREE
WORLD SHOULD BE COMMUNICATIVE
AND SHOULD BE, IN SOME WAYS, AN

WORLD SHOULD BE COMMUNICATIVE
AND SHOULD BE, IN SOME WAYS, AN
ADVISOR TO HIS FAMILY AS IT

AND SHOULD BE, IN SOME WAYS, AN
ADVISOR TO HIS FAMILY AS IT
WERE.

ADVISOR TO HIS FAMILY AS IT
WERE.
AND IN THIS CASE, I WOULD... AS

WERE.
AND IN THIS CASE, I WOULD... AS
MY TALENT... LIKE TO TEACH THE

AND IN THIS CASE, I WOULD... AS
MY TALENT... LIKE TO TEACH THE
PEOPLE OF MY NATION, OR THE

MY TALENT... LIKE TO TEACH THE
PEOPLE OF MY NATION, OR THE
PEOPLE, HOW TO VOTE THIS

PEOPLE OF MY NATION, OR THE
PEOPLE, HOW TO VOTE THIS
TUESDAY.

PEOPLE, HOW TO VOTE THIS
TUESDAY.
THIS WILL BE MY TALENT.

TUESDAY.
THIS WILL BE MY TALENT.
ALL RIGHT, SIR, GO RIGHT

THIS WILL BE MY TALENT.
ALL RIGHT, SIR, GO RIGHT
AHEAD.

ALL RIGHT, SIR, GO RIGHT
AHEAD.
MR. UNITED STATES, TEACHING THE

AHEAD.
MR. UNITED STATES, TEACHING THE
PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES HOW

MR. UNITED STATES, TEACHING THE
PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES HOW
TO VOTE.

PEOPLE OF THE UNITED STATES HOW
TO VOTE.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, THE

TO VOTE.
THIS IS, OF COURSE, THE
VOTING BOOTH.

THIS IS, OF COURSE, THE
VOTING BOOTH.
WE...

VOTING BOOTH.
WE...
SIMPLY...

WE...
SIMPLY...
CLOSE THIS.

SIMPLY...
CLOSE THIS.
THERE'S NO PAPER IN HERE.

CLOSE THIS.
THERE'S NO PAPER IN HERE.
NO, SIR.

THERE'S NO PAPER IN HERE.
NO, SIR.
MR. UNITED STATES, IT'S A VOTING

NO, SIR.
MR. UNITED STATES, IT'S A VOTING
BOOTH.

MR. UNITED STATES, IT'S A VOTING
BOOTH.
AH.

BOOTH.
AH.
I'M SORRY.

AH.
I'M SORRY.
I CAN SEE THE CHOICES HERE, AND

I'M SORRY.
I CAN SEE THE CHOICES HERE, AND
SIMPLY...

I CAN SEE THE CHOICES HERE, AND
SIMPLY...
A LEVER WHICH ONE PULLS TO MAKE

SIMPLY...
A LEVER WHICH ONE PULLS TO MAKE
AND CAST ONE'S VOTE.

A LEVER WHICH ONE PULLS TO MAKE
AND CAST ONE'S VOTE.
VERY, VERY LOVELY.

AND CAST ONE'S VOTE.
VERY, VERY LOVELY.
ISN'T HE CHARMING?

VERY, VERY LOVELY.
ISN'T HE CHARMING?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

ISN'T HE CHARMING?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT.
A FINE SENSE OF RHYTHM YOU'VE

MR. PRESIDENT.
A FINE SENSE OF RHYTHM YOU'VE
GOT THERE.

A FINE SENSE OF RHYTHM YOU'VE
GOT THERE.
NEXT, OF COURSE, COMES THE FINAL

GOT THERE.
NEXT, OF COURSE, COMES THE FINAL
AND MOST IMPORTANT PART IN THE

NEXT, OF COURSE, COMES THE FINAL
AND MOST IMPORTANT PART IN THE
1976 COMPETITION.

AND MOST IMPORTANT PART IN THE
1976 COMPETITION.
EACH OF OUR FINALISTS FROM

1976 COMPETITION.
EACH OF OUR FINALISTS FROM
GEORGIA RIGHT DOWN TO THE

EACH OF OUR FINALISTS FROM
GEORGIA RIGHT DOWN TO THE
UNITED STATES MUST ANSWER A

GEORGIA RIGHT DOWN TO THE
UNITED STATES MUST ANSWER A
SIMPLE QUESTION SELECTED BY OUR

UNITED STATES MUST ANSWER A
SIMPLE QUESTION SELECTED BY OUR
PANELISTS AND SEALED IN THESE

SIMPLE QUESTION SELECTED BY OUR
PANELISTS AND SEALED IN THESE
ENVELOPES, BUT FIRST, STAY WITH

PANELISTS AND SEALED IN THESE
ENVELOPES, BUT FIRST, STAY WITH
US, 'CAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

ENVELOPES, BUT FIRST, STAY WITH
US, 'CAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WE'RE BACK.

US, 'CAUSE WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
WE'RE BACK.
I HAVE THE QUESTIONS HERE, IF

WE'RE BACK.
I HAVE THE QUESTIONS HERE, IF
YOU GENTLEMEN WILL FOLLOW ME

I HAVE THE QUESTIONS HERE, IF
YOU GENTLEMEN WILL FOLLOW ME
DOWN.

YOU GENTLEMEN WILL FOLLOW ME
DOWN.
HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, MR. GEORGIA.

DOWN.
HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, MR. GEORGIA.
IF YOU WILL OPEN THE ENVELOPE

HERE'S ONE FOR YOU, MR. GEORGIA.
IF YOU WILL OPEN THE ENVELOPE
AND HAND ME THE QUESTION, I WILL

IF YOU WILL OPEN THE ENVELOPE
AND HAND ME THE QUESTION, I WILL
READ IT AND YOU WILL ANSWER IT.

AND HAND ME THE QUESTION, I WILL
READ IT AND YOU WILL ANSWER IT.
NOW, MR. GEORGIA, WHAT WILL YOU

READ IT AND YOU WILL ANSWER IT.
NOW, MR. GEORGIA, WHAT WILL YOU
DO IF YOU WIN THE COMPETITION

NOW, MR. GEORGIA, WHAT WILL YOU
DO IF YOU WIN THE COMPETITION
AND BECOME PERHAPS THE MOST

DO IF YOU WIN THE COMPETITION
AND BECOME PERHAPS THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD?

AND BECOME PERHAPS THE MOST
POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD?
[SIGHS]

POWERFUL MAN IN THE WORLD?
[SIGHS]
GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

[SIGHS]
GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
GOLLY, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.

GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
GOLLY, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
IT'LL BE SUCH A SHOCK, AND IF I

GOLLY, I REALLY DON'T KNOW.
IT'LL BE SUCH A SHOCK, AND IF I
ACTUALLY WON, I GUESS I'D

IT'LL BE SUCH A SHOCK, AND IF I
ACTUALLY WON, I GUESS I'D
JUST... WELL, THE WHITE HOUSE

ACTUALLY WON, I GUESS I'D
JUST... WELL, THE WHITE HOUSE
AND ALL THAT.

JUST... WELL, THE WHITE HOUSE
AND ALL THAT.
I SUPPOSE I'D JUST GO ACROSS

AND ALL THAT.
I SUPPOSE I'D JUST GO ACROSS
THIS GREAT NATION AND TALK TO A

I SUPPOSE I'D JUST GO ACROSS
THIS GREAT NATION AND TALK TO A
LOT OF PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET TO

THIS GREAT NATION AND TALK TO A
LOT OF PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET TO
KNOW THEM AS BEST I CAN.

LOT OF PEOPLE AND TRY TO GET TO
KNOW THEM AS BEST I CAN.
I GET A CONVERTIBLE, DON'T I?

KNOW THEM AS BEST I CAN.
I GET A CONVERTIBLE, DON'T I?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I GET A CONVERTIBLE, DON'T I?
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, MR. GEORGIA.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
THANK YOU, MR. GEORGIA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU, MR. GEORGIA.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ISN'T HE LOVELY, LADIES AND

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
ISN'T HE LOVELY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN?

ISN'T HE LOVELY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN?
AND WHAT A CHARMING ANSWER.

GENTLEMEN?
AND WHAT A CHARMING ANSWER.
AND NOW, MR. UNITED STATES, YOUR

AND WHAT A CHARMING ANSWER.
AND NOW, MR. UNITED STATES, YOUR
ENVELOPE AND YOUR QUESTION.

AND NOW, MR. UNITED STATES, YOUR
ENVELOPE AND YOUR QUESTION.
WOULD YOU OPEN IT PLEASE?

VERY GOOD, SIR.
I'LL JUST READ THE QUESTION.
I'M SORRY.

I'LL JUST READ THE QUESTION.
I'M SORRY.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY.
THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
I CUT MYSELF SHAVING HERE

THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
I CUT MYSELF SHAVING HERE
THIS EVENING, TOO.

I CUT MYSELF SHAVING HERE
THIS EVENING, TOO.
AH.

AH.
ALL RIGHT, SIR.

ALL RIGHT, SIR.
HERE IS YOUR QUESTION.

HERE IS YOUR QUESTION.
YOU'RE AT A STATE DINNER IN

YOU'RE AT A STATE DINNER IN
MOSCOW, SITTING AT THE DAIS WITH

MOSCOW, SITTING AT THE DAIS WITH
CHAIRMAN BREZHNEV,

CHAIRMAN BREZHNEV,
MRS. BREZHNEV, AND

MRS. BREZHNEV, AND
MR. KISSINGER.

MR. KISSINGER.
INADVERTENTLY, YOUR TIE LANDS IN

INADVERTENTLY, YOUR TIE LANDS IN
MR. BREZHNEV'S SOUP.

MR. BREZHNEV'S SOUP.
REALIZING THE FAUX PAS, YOU

REALIZING THE FAUX PAS, YOU
EXCUSE YOURSELF, REACHING WITH

EXCUSE YOURSELF, REACHING WITH
YOUR RIGHT HAND TO REMOVE YOUR

YOUR RIGHT HAND TO REMOVE YOUR
TIE FROM HIS SOUP.

TIE FROM HIS SOUP.
YOUR ELBOW HITS MRS. BREZHNEV IN

YOUR ELBOW HITS MRS. BREZHNEV IN
THE RIGHT EYE, CAUSING HER TO

THE RIGHT EYE, CAUSING HER TO
FALL OVER BACKWARDS BEHIND THE

FALL OVER BACKWARDS BEHIND THE
DAIS, IN PAIN.

DAIS, IN PAIN.
YOU RISE, SEVERELY SCRATCHING

YOU RISE, SEVERELY SCRATCHING
SECRETARY OF STATE KISSINGER ON

SECRETARY OF STATE KISSINGER ON
THE TEMPLE WITH YOUR SALAD FORK.

THE TEMPLE WITH YOUR SALAD FORK.
IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONSOLE THE

IN AN ATTEMPT TO CONSOLE THE
CHAIRMAN'S WIFE, YOU

CHAIRMAN'S WIFE, YOU
ACCIDENTALLY PIERCE HER THORAX

ACCIDENTALLY PIERCE HER THORAX
WITH THE HEEL OF YOUR LEFT SHOE.

WITH THE HEEL OF YOUR LEFT SHOE.
MR. KISSINGER RISES AND

MR. KISSINGER RISES AND
APOLOGIZES PUBLICLY TO THE

APOLOGIZES PUBLICLY TO THE
BREZHNEVS WHILE HOLDING A NAPKIN

BREZHNEVS WHILE HOLDING A NAPKIN
TO HIS BLEEDING LEFT TEMPLE,

TO HIS BLEEDING LEFT TEMPLE,
VERY MUCH LIKE MY OWN, AS YOU

VERY MUCH LIKE MY OWN, AS YOU
TRIP OVER THE FACE OF

TRIP OVER THE FACE OF
MRS. BREZHNEV AND FALL THROUGH

MRS. BREZHNEV AND FALL THROUGH
THE TABLES, LANDING WITH YOUR

THE TABLES, LANDING WITH YOUR
RIGHT KNEE IN COSTIGAN'S MOUTH.

RIGHT KNEE IN COSTIGAN'S MOUTH.
HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS

HOW WOULD YOU HANDLE THIS
DELICATE SOCIAL SITUATION?
THE PUERTO RICANS ARE AN

DELICATE SOCIAL SITUATION?
THE PUERTO RICANS ARE AN
INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS

THE PUERTO RICANS ARE AN
INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK FOR

INDEPENDENT AND AUTONOMOUS
PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK FOR
ONE MOMENT THAT THEY CONSIDER

PEOPLE, AND I DON'T THINK FOR
ONE MOMENT THAT THEY CONSIDER
THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE

ONE MOMENT THAT THEY CONSIDER
THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE
SOVIET UNION.

THEMSELVES DOMINATED BY THE
SOVIET UNION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

SOVIET UNION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT, AND THANK YOU

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT, AND THANK YOU
EVERYBODY AT HOME.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE

TODAY.

JOIN US FOR THE RESULTS NEXT

TUESDAY.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAPPY VOTING.

Announcer: AND NOW
WEEKEND UPDATE WITH CHEVY CHASE.
WELL, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.

WEEKEND UPDATE WITH CHEVY CHASE.
WELL, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
THERE'S NO PROOF.

WELL, THAT IS RIDICULOUS.
THERE'S NO PROOF.
YOU CAN SMOKE AS MUCH OF IT AS

THERE'S NO PROOF.
YOU CAN SMOKE AS MUCH OF IT AS
YOU WANT.

YOU CAN SMOKE AS MUCH OF IT AS
YOU WANT.
IT DOES NOT AFFECT YOUR MOTOR

YOU WANT.
IT DOES NOT AFFECT YOUR MOTOR
SKILLS, ALL RIGHT?

IT DOES NOT AFFECT YOUR MOTOR
SKILLS, ALL RIGHT?
EMOTIONALLY, MAYBE, OKAY?

SKILLS, ALL RIGHT?
EMOTIONALLY, MAYBE, OKAY?
I'VE GOT TO GO.

EMOTIONALLY, MAYBE, OKAY?
I'VE GOT TO GO.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

GOOD EVENING, I'M CHEVY CHASE,
AND YOU'RE ROD McKUEN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

AND YOU'RE ROD McKUEN.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
BUCK HENRY CUTS HIMSELF IN THE

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
BUCK HENRY CUTS HIMSELF IN THE
FOREHEAD IN A SKETCH ON THE

BUCK HENRY CUTS HIMSELF IN THE
FOREHEAD IN A SKETCH ON THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW...

FOREHEAD IN A SKETCH ON THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW...
AS A FAR-GONE AND DOWNED AND

"SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW...
AS A FAR-GONE AND DOWNED AND
DRUGGED-OUT JOHN BELUSHI HITS

AS A FAR-GONE AND DOWNED AND
DRUGGED-OUT JOHN BELUSHI HITS
HIM WITH A SWORD.

DRUGGED-OUT JOHN BELUSHI HITS
HIM WITH A SWORD.
WELL, THE FIRST ELECTION RETURNS

HIM WITH A SWORD.
WELL, THE FIRST ELECTION RETURNS
ARE IN.

WELL, THE FIRST ELECTION RETURNS
ARE IN.
GERALD FORD, ZERO.

ARE IN.
GERALD FORD, ZERO.
JIMMY CARTER, ZERO.

GERALD FORD, ZERO.
JIMMY CARTER, ZERO.
MORE ON THESE FIGURES AS THEY

JIMMY CARTER, ZERO.
MORE ON THESE FIGURES AS THEY
COME IN.

MORE ON THESE FIGURES AS THEY
COME IN.
JOHN D. EHRLICHMAN, ONE OF THE

COME IN.
JOHN D. EHRLICHMAN, ONE OF THE
NIXON ADMINISTRATION'S MOST

JOHN D. EHRLICHMAN, ONE OF THE
NIXON ADMINISTRATION'S MOST
POWERFUL ADVISORS, HAS

NIXON ADMINISTRATION'S MOST
POWERFUL ADVISORS, HAS
VOLUNTARILY ENTERED A FEDERAL

POWERFUL ADVISORS, HAS
VOLUNTARILY ENTERED A FEDERAL
PRISON CAMP TO SERVE SENTENCES

VOLUNTARILY ENTERED A FEDERAL
PRISON CAMP TO SERVE SENTENCES
FOR HIS WATERGATE CRIMES.

PRISON CAMP TO SERVE SENTENCES
FOR HIS WATERGATE CRIMES.
LAST-MINUTE ADVICE FROM HIS

FOR HIS WATERGATE CRIMES.
LAST-MINUTE ADVICE FROM HIS
LAWYERS WERE THAT HE KEEP QUIET

LAST-MINUTE ADVICE FROM HIS
LAWYERS WERE THAT HE KEEP QUIET
ABOUT HIS PENDING APPEAL AND

LAWYERS WERE THAT HE KEEP QUIET
ABOUT HIS PENDING APPEAL AND
THAT HE AVOID FRATERNIZING WITH

ABOUT HIS PENDING APPEAL AND
THAT HE AVOID FRATERNIZING WITH
THE INMATES... OR BENDING OVER

THAT HE AVOID FRATERNIZING WITH
THE INMATES... OR BENDING OVER
FOR THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER.

THE INMATES... OR BENDING OVER
FOR THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER.
CAMPAIGNING ON HER OWN IN

FOR THE SOAP IN THE SHOWER.
CAMPAIGNING ON HER OWN IN
MICHIGAN THIS WEEK, BETTY FORD

CAMPAIGNING ON HER OWN IN
MICHIGAN THIS WEEK, BETTY FORD
WON FIRST PLACE IN A LOCAL

MICHIGAN THIS WEEK, BETTY FORD
WON FIRST PLACE IN A LOCAL
DOG-SMELLING CONTEST.

WON FIRST PLACE IN A LOCAL
DOG-SMELLING CONTEST.
THE FIRST LADY REVEALED THAT SHE

DOG-SMELLING CONTEST.
THE FIRST LADY REVEALED THAT SHE
HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE IN THE

THE FIRST LADY REVEALED THAT SHE
HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE IN THE
WHITE HOUSE WITH FORD'S GOLDEN

HAD PLENTY OF EXPERIENCE IN THE
WHITE HOUSE WITH FORD'S GOLDEN
RETRIEVER, LIBERTY.

WHITE HOUSE WITH FORD'S GOLDEN
RETRIEVER, LIBERTY.
IN AN EFFORT TO ENCOURAGE

RETRIEVER, LIBERTY.
IN AN EFFORT TO ENCOURAGE
AMERICANS TO GET THEIR SWINE FLU

IN AN EFFORT TO ENCOURAGE
AMERICANS TO GET THEIR SWINE FLU
INOCULATIONS, PRESIDENT FORD

AMERICANS TO GET THEIR SWINE FLU
INOCULATIONS, PRESIDENT FORD
WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY THIS WEEK

INOCULATIONS, PRESIDENT FORD
WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY THIS WEEK
WHERE HE SWALLOWED A HYPODERMIC

WENT TO ATLANTIC CITY THIS WEEK
WHERE HE SWALLOWED A HYPODERMIC
SYRINGE AND PERSONALLY

WHERE HE SWALLOWED A HYPODERMIC
SYRINGE AND PERSONALLY
VACCINATED MISS AMERICA IN THE

SYRINGE AND PERSONALLY
VACCINATED MISS AMERICA IN THE
FACE.

VACCINATED MISS AMERICA IN THE
FACE.
MORE NEWS.

FACE.
MORE NEWS.
REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL

MORE NEWS.
REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE ROBERT DOLE...

REPUBLICAN VICE PRESIDENTIAL
CANDIDATE ROBERT DOLE...
PRONOUNCED "DOLE"... RECENTLY

CANDIDATE ROBERT DOLE...
PRONOUNCED "DOLE"... RECENTLY
LAID BLAME FOR WORLD WAR II ON A

PRONOUNCED "DOLE"... RECENTLY
LAID BLAME FOR WORLD WAR II ON A
DEMOCRATIC ADMINISTRATION.

LAID BLAME FOR WORLD WAR II ON A
DEMOCRATIC ADMINISTRATION.
TODAY, HE WENT ONE STEP FURTHER.

DEMOCRATIC ADMINISTRATION.
TODAY, HE WENT ONE STEP FURTHER.
ADDRESSING A GROUP OF

TODAY, HE WENT ONE STEP FURTHER.
ADDRESSING A GROUP OF
JAPANESE-AMERICANS, DOLE CALLED

ADDRESSING A GROUP OF
JAPANESE-AMERICANS, DOLE CALLED
IT... CALLED WORLD WAR II,

JAPANESE-AMERICANS, DOLE CALLED
IT... CALLED WORLD WAR II,
QUOTE, "A SLUR ON THE GOOD NAME

IT... CALLED WORLD WAR II,
QUOTE, "A SLUR ON THE GOOD NAME
OF JAPAN," AND PROMISED, IF

QUOTE, "A SLUR ON THE GOOD NAME
OF JAPAN," AND PROMISED, IF
ELECTED, TO CHANGE THE NAME OF

OF JAPAN," AND PROMISED, IF
ELECTED, TO CHANGE THE NAME OF
PEARL HARBOR TO SOMETHING LESS

ELECTED, TO CHANGE THE NAME OF
PEARL HARBOR TO SOMETHING LESS
OFFENSIVE TO THE JAPANESE

PEARL HARBOR TO SOMETHING LESS
OFFENSIVE TO THE JAPANESE
COMMUNITY... FOR EXAMPLE,

OFFENSIVE TO THE JAPANESE
COMMUNITY... FOR EXAMPLE,
"SURPRISE CITY."

COMMUNITY... FOR EXAMPLE,
"SURPRISE CITY."
SERIOUS NOTE...

"SURPRISE CITY."
SERIOUS NOTE...
MICHAEL GOLDBAUM, A MEDIA EXPERT

SERIOUS NOTE...
MICHAEL GOLDBAUM, A MEDIA EXPERT
WHO HAS BEEN PRODUCING

MICHAEL GOLDBAUM, A MEDIA EXPERT
WHO HAS BEEN PRODUCING
PRESIDENT FORD'S TELEVISION

WHO HAS BEEN PRODUCING
PRESIDENT FORD'S TELEVISION
COMMERCIALS, WAS FIRED YESTERDAY

PRESIDENT FORD'S TELEVISION
COMMERCIALS, WAS FIRED YESTERDAY
WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE

COMMERCIALS, WAS FIRED YESTERDAY
WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE
ALSO PRODUCES HARD-CORE

WHEN IT WAS DISCOVERED THAT HE
ALSO PRODUCES HARD-CORE
PORNOGRAPHY FILMS.

ALSO PRODUCES HARD-CORE
PORNOGRAPHY FILMS.
THE FORD PEOPLE CAUGHT ON WHEN

PORNOGRAPHY FILMS.
THE FORD PEOPLE CAUGHT ON WHEN
A RECENT CAMPAIGN AD WITH THE

THE FORD PEOPLE CAUGHT ON WHEN
A RECENT CAMPAIGN AD WITH THE
ANNOUNCEMENT, "THERE'S A CHANGE

A RECENT CAMPAIGN AD WITH THE
ANNOUNCEMENT, "THERE'S A CHANGE
COMING OVER THIS LAND," SHOWED

ANNOUNCEMENT, "THERE'S A CHANGE
COMING OVER THIS LAND," SHOWED
SUSAN FORD WEARING SPIKED HEELS,

COMING OVER THIS LAND," SHOWED
SUSAN FORD WEARING SPIKED HEELS,
MANACLES, AND A BICENTENNIAL DOG

SUSAN FORD WEARING SPIKED HEELS,
MANACLES, AND A BICENTENNIAL DOG
COLLAR WHILE A MASKED NAZI

MANACLES, AND A BICENTENNIAL DOG
COLLAR WHILE A MASKED NAZI
TATTOOED "VOTE FOR MY DAD" ALL

COLLAR WHILE A MASKED NAZI
TATTOOED "VOTE FOR MY DAD" ALL
OVER HER BODY.

TATTOOED "VOTE FOR MY DAD" ALL
OVER HER BODY.
IN A RELATED STORY, AS THE

OVER HER BODY.
IN A RELATED STORY, AS THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN

IN A RELATED STORY, AS THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN
WINDS TOWARD ITS END, BOTH

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION CAMPAIGN
WINDS TOWARD ITS END, BOTH
CANDIDATES HAVE DECIDED, IN A

WINDS TOWARD ITS END, BOTH
CANDIDATES HAVE DECIDED, IN A
LAST-MINUTE DISPLAY OF GOOD

CANDIDATES HAVE DECIDED, IN A
LAST-MINUTE DISPLAY OF GOOD
FAITH, NOT TO RELEASE ESPECIALLY

LAST-MINUTE DISPLAY OF GOOD
FAITH, NOT TO RELEASE ESPECIALLY
HARD-HITTING TELEVISION

FAITH, NOT TO RELEASE ESPECIALLY
HARD-HITTING TELEVISION
COMMERCIALS.

HARD-HITTING TELEVISION
COMMERCIALS.
HOWEVER, WEEKEND UPDATE WAS ABLE

COMMERCIALS.
HOWEVER, WEEKEND UPDATE WAS ABLE
TO OBTAIN TWO OF THEM.

HOWEVER, WEEKEND UPDATE WAS ABLE
TO OBTAIN TWO OF THEM.
HERE IS THE FIRST SUCH

TO OBTAIN TWO OF THEM.
HERE IS THE FIRST SUCH
COMMERCIAL.

HERE IS THE FIRST SUCH
COMMERCIAL.
I THINK THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA

COMMERCIAL.
I THINK THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA
NEED A NEW KIND OF PRESIDENT...

I THINK THE PEOPLE OF AMERICA
NEED A NEW KIND OF PRESIDENT...
A PRESIDENT WHO FEELS YOUR PAIN

NEED A NEW KIND OF PRESIDENT...
A PRESIDENT WHO FEELS YOUR PAIN
AND SHARES YOUR DREAMS, WHO

A PRESIDENT WHO FEELS YOUR PAIN
AND SHARES YOUR DREAMS, WHO
LUSTS YOUR LUSTS.

AND SHARES YOUR DREAMS, WHO
LUSTS YOUR LUSTS.
NOW, I TRY NOT TO COMMIT A

LUSTS YOUR LUSTS.
NOW, I TRY NOT TO COMMIT A
DELIBERATE SIN.

NOW, I TRY NOT TO COMMIT A
DELIBERATE SIN.
I RECOGNIZE THAT I'M GONNA DO IT

DELIBERATE SIN.
I RECOGNIZE THAT I'M GONNA DO IT
ANYHOW BECAUSE I'M HUMAN AND I'M

I RECOGNIZE THAT I'M GONNA DO IT
ANYHOW BECAUSE I'M HUMAN AND I'M
TEMPTED.

ANYHOW BECAUSE I'M HUMAN AND I'M
TEMPTED.
AND CHRIST SET SOME ALMOST

TEMPTED.
AND CHRIST SET SOME ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS FOR US.

AND CHRIST SET SOME ALMOST
IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS FOR US.
CHRIST SAYS, "I TELL YOU THAT

IMPOSSIBLE STANDARDS FOR US.
CHRIST SAYS, "I TELL YOU THAT
ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT A WOMAN WITH

CHRIST SAYS, "I TELL YOU THAT
ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT A WOMAN WITH
LUST HAS, IN HIS HEART, ALREADY

ANYONE WHO LOOKS AT A WOMAN WITH
LUST HAS, IN HIS HEART, ALREADY
COMMITTED ADULTERY."

LUST HAS, IN HIS HEART, ALREADY
COMMITTED ADULTERY."
NOW, I'VE LOOKED ON A LOT OF

COMMITTED ADULTERY."
NOW, I'VE LOOKED ON A LOT OF
WOMEN WITH LUST.

NOW, I'VE LOOKED ON A LOT OF
WOMEN WITH LUST.
I'VE COMMITTED ADULTERY IN MY

WOMEN WITH LUST.
I'VE COMMITTED ADULTERY IN MY
HEART MANY TIMES.

I'VE COMMITTED ADULTERY IN MY
HEART MANY TIMES.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT GOD

HEART MANY TIMES.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT GOD
RECOGNIZES I WILL DO, AND I HAVE

THIS IS SOMETHING THAT GOD
RECOGNIZES I WILL DO, AND I HAVE
DONE IT.

RECOGNIZES I WILL DO, AND I HAVE
DONE IT.
AND GOD FORGIVES ME FOR IT.

DONE IT.
AND GOD FORGIVES ME FOR IT.
AND I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME.

AND GOD FORGIVES ME FOR IT.
AND I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME.
AND I HOPE ROSALYNN WILL.

AND I HOPE YOU FORGIVE ME.
AND I HOPE ROSALYNN WILL.
THANK YOU.

THAT WAS THE GERALD FORD
COMMERCIAL.
AND NOW HERE IS THE

COMMERCIAL.
AND NOW HERE IS THE
JIMMY CARTER COMMERCIAL COMING

AND NOW HERE IS THE
JIMMY CARTER COMMERCIAL COMING
RIGHT UP NOW ON YOUR SCREEN.

JIMMY CARTER COMMERCIAL COMING
RIGHT UP NOW ON YOUR SCREEN.
AS WE ARE A NATION UNDER GOD,

RIGHT UP NOW ON YOUR SCREEN.
AS WE ARE A NATION UNDER GOD,
SO I AM SWORN TO UPHOLD OUR LAWS

AS WE ARE A NATION UNDER GOD,
SO I AM SWORN TO UPHOLD OUR LAWS
WITH THE HELP OF GOD.

SO I AM SWORN TO UPHOLD OUR LAWS
WITH THE HELP OF GOD.
AND I HAVE SOUGHT SUCH GUIDANCE

WITH THE HELP OF GOD.
AND I HAVE SOUGHT SUCH GUIDANCE
AND SEARCHED MY OWN CONSCIENCE

AND I HAVE SOUGHT SUCH GUIDANCE
AND SEARCHED MY OWN CONSCIENCE
WITH SPECIAL DILIGENCE TO

AND SEARCHED MY OWN CONSCIENCE
WITH SPECIAL DILIGENCE TO
DETERMINE THE RIGHT THING FOR ME

WITH SPECIAL DILIGENCE TO
DETERMINE THE RIGHT THING FOR ME
TO DO WITH RESPECT TO MY

DETERMINE THE RIGHT THING FOR ME
TO DO WITH RESPECT TO MY
PREDECESSOR IN THIS PLACE,

TO DO WITH RESPECT TO MY
PREDECESSOR IN THIS PLACE,
RICHARD NIXON, AND HIS LOYAL

PREDECESSOR IN THIS PLACE,
RICHARD NIXON, AND HIS LOYAL
WIFE AND FAMILY.

RICHARD NIXON, AND HIS LOYAL
WIFE AND FAMILY.
I DEEPLY BELIEVE IN EQUAL

WIFE AND FAMILY.
I DEEPLY BELIEVE IN EQUAL
JUSTICE FOR ALL AMERICANS.

I DEEPLY BELIEVE IN EQUAL
JUSTICE FOR ALL AMERICANS.
NOW, THEREFORE, I,

JUSTICE FOR ALL AMERICANS.
NOW, THEREFORE, I,
GERALD R. FORD, PRESIDENT OF THE

NOW, THEREFORE, I,
GERALD R. FORD, PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, PURSUANT TO THE

GERALD R. FORD, PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES, PURSUANT TO THE
PARDON POWER CONFERRED UPON ME

UNITED STATES, PURSUANT TO THE
PARDON POWER CONFERRED UPON ME
BY ARTICLE 2, SECTION 2, OF THE

PARDON POWER CONFERRED UPON ME
BY ARTICLE 2, SECTION 2, OF THE
CONSTITUTION, HAVE GRANTED AND

BY ARTICLE 2, SECTION 2, OF THE
CONSTITUTION, HAVE GRANTED AND
BY THESE PRESENTS DO GRANT A

CONSTITUTION, HAVE GRANTED AND
BY THESE PRESENTS DO GRANT A
FULL, FREE, AND ABSOLUTE PARDON

BY THESE PRESENTS DO GRANT A
FULL, FREE, AND ABSOLUTE PARDON
UNTO RICHARD NIXON FOR ALL

FULL, FREE, AND ABSOLUTE PARDON
UNTO RICHARD NIXON FOR ALL
OFFENSES AGAINST THE

UNTO RICHARD NIXON FOR ALL
OFFENSES AGAINST THE
UNITED STATES WHICH HE,

OFFENSES AGAINST THE
UNITED STATES WHICH HE,
RICHARD NIXON, HAS COMMITTED OR

UNITED STATES WHICH HE,
RICHARD NIXON, HAS COMMITTED OR
MAY HAVE COMMITTED OR TAKEN PART

RICHARD NIXON, HAS COMMITTED OR
MAY HAVE COMMITTED OR TAKEN PART
IN DURING THE PERIOD FROM

MAY HAVE COMMITTED OR TAKEN PART
IN DURING THE PERIOD FROM
JULY 20, 1969 THROUGH AUGUST 9,

IN DURING THE PERIOD FROM
JULY 20, 1969 THROUGH AUGUST 9,
1974.

FOUR MORE YEARS.

STILL TO COME, THE
PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE MAKES A
PIT STOP, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

PRESIDENTIAL MOTORCADE MAKES A
PIT STOP, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
WITCHES, WARLOCKS, CONJURERS,

PIT STOP, AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
WITCHES, WARLOCKS, CONJURERS,
SORCERERS, BLACK MAGICIANS,

WITCHES, WARLOCKS, CONJURERS,
SORCERERS, BLACK MAGICIANS,
WHITE MAGICIANS, ARE YOU HAVING

SORCERERS, BLACK MAGICIANS,
WHITE MAGICIANS, ARE YOU HAVING
TROUBLE MIXING YOUR POTIONS IN

WHITE MAGICIANS, ARE YOU HAVING
TROUBLE MIXING YOUR POTIONS IN
TIME FOR THE WINTER SOLSTICE?

TROUBLE MIXING YOUR POTIONS IN
TIME FOR THE WINTER SOLSTICE?
IS YOUR SORCERY GETTING HUNG UP

TIME FOR THE WINTER SOLSTICE?
IS YOUR SORCERY GETTING HUNG UP
BECAUSE OF THE HOURS YOU SPEND

IS YOUR SORCERY GETTING HUNG UP
BECAUSE OF THE HOURS YOU SPEND
MIXING AND BLENDING YOUR

BECAUSE OF THE HOURS YOU SPEND
MIXING AND BLENDING YOUR
REMEDIES?

MIXING AND BLENDING YOUR
REMEDIES?
THEN YOU NEED ROVCO'S AMAZING

REMEDIES?
THEN YOU NEED ROVCO'S AMAZING
NEW WITCH'S AID, THE SUPER

THEN YOU NEED ROVCO'S AMAZING
NEW WITCH'S AID, THE SUPER
BAT-O-MATIC '77!

NEW WITCH'S AID, THE SUPER
BAT-O-MATIC '77!
YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE MORTAR,

BAT-O-MATIC '77!
YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE MORTAR,
PESTLE, OR CAULDRON AGAIN.

YOU NEVER HAVE TO USE MORTAR,
PESTLE, OR CAULDRON AGAIN.
SUPER-BAT-O-MATIC CUTS, CHOPS,

PESTLE, OR CAULDRON AGAIN.
SUPER-BAT-O-MATIC CUTS, CHOPS,
SLICES, DICES, MIXES, AND BLENDS

SUPER-BAT-O-MATIC CUTS, CHOPS,
SLICES, DICES, MIXES, AND BLENDS
HERBS, PLANTS, TWIGS, SPRIGS,

SLICES, DICES, MIXES, AND BLENDS
HERBS, PLANTS, TWIGS, SPRIGS,
LEAVES, BRANCHES, CLAWS, TEETH,

HERBS, PLANTS, TWIGS, SPRIGS,
LEAVES, BRANCHES, CLAWS, TEETH,
EYES, EARS, SKIN, HAIR, BLOOD,

LEAVES, BRANCHES, CLAWS, TEETH,
EYES, EARS, SKIN, HAIR, BLOOD,
FLIES, INSECTS, LIMBS, AND

EYES, EARS, SKIN, HAIR, BLOOD,
FLIES, INSECTS, LIMBS, AND
ORGANS OF ALL KINDS, TOADS,

FLIES, INSECTS, LIMBS, AND
ORGANS OF ALL KINDS, TOADS,
LIZARDS, NEWTS, MICE, RATS, AND

ORGANS OF ALL KINDS, TOADS,
LIZARDS, NEWTS, MICE, RATS, AND
BATS FASTER THAN YOU CAN KNIFE A

LIZARDS, NEWTS, MICE, RATS, AND
BATS FASTER THAN YOU CAN KNIFE A
GOAT.

BATS FASTER THAN YOU CAN KNIFE A
GOAT.
TAKE THIS 11th-CENTURY REMEDY

GOAT.
TAKE THIS 11th-CENTURY REMEDY
FROM THE KEY OF ALCAZAR...

TAKE THIS 11th-CENTURY REMEDY
FROM THE KEY OF ALCAZAR...
POTION TO WIN LOVE AND SHRINK

FROM THE KEY OF ALCAZAR...
POTION TO WIN LOVE AND SHRINK
HIVES.

POTION TO WIN LOVE AND SHRINK
HIVES.
FEATHER OF A YOUNG HAWK, BELLY

HIVES.
FEATHER OF A YOUNG HAWK, BELLY
OF A FLY, BLOOD, BILE OF AN OX,

FEATHER OF A YOUNG HAWK, BELLY
OF A FLY, BLOOD, BILE OF AN OX,
A LIZARD'S LUNG, SAY "SARAX,

OF A FLY, BLOOD, BILE OF AN OX,
A LIZARD'S LUNG, SAY "SARAX,
SARAX," AND YOUR WILL IS DONE.

A LIZARD'S LUNG, SAY "SARAX,
SARAX," AND YOUR WILL IS DONE.
SEVEN THREADS... A HANGMAN'S

SARAX," AND YOUR WILL IS DONE.
SEVEN THREADS... A HANGMAN'S
GARMENT... BASIL, WOLFSBANE, AND

SEVEN THREADS... A HANGMAN'S
GARMENT... BASIL, WOLFSBANE, AND
A SHOOT OF WINTERMINT.

GARMENT... BASIL, WOLFSBANE, AND
A SHOOT OF WINTERMINT.
TO THIS, ADD THE EYE OF A RAT

A SHOOT OF WINTERMINT.
TO THIS, ADD THE EYE OF A RAT
AND MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE WHOLE

TO THIS, ADD THE EYE OF A RAT
AND MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE WHOLE
BAT.

AND MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE WHOLE
BAT.
YES, MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE

BAT.
YES, MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE
WHOLE BAT.

YES, MIX IN THE BODY OF ONE
WHOLE BAT.
REMEMBER WHAT A CHORE THAT USED

WHOLE BAT.
REMEMBER WHAT A CHORE THAT USED
TO BE?

REMEMBER WHAT A CHORE THAT USED
TO BE?
NOW IT'S FAST, AND IT'S EASY

TO BE?
NOW IT'S FAST, AND IT'S EASY
WITH ROVCO'S BAT-O-MATIC!

NOW IT'S FAST, AND IT'S EASY
WITH ROVCO'S BAT-O-MATIC!
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS.

[CHANTING]

WOW, THAT'S GREAT BAT!
AND A GREAT POTION, TOO.
I'M IN LOVE, AND MY HIVES ARE

AND A GREAT POTION, TOO.
I'M IN LOVE, AND MY HIVES ARE
CURED!

I'M IN LOVE, AND MY HIVES ARE
CURED!
WITH BAT-O-MATIC, YOU CAN

CURED!
WITH BAT-O-MATIC, YOU CAN
PREPARE AS MANY BAT-BASED

WITH BAT-O-MATIC, YOU CAN
PREPARE AS MANY BAT-BASED
POTIONS AS YOU LIKE WITHOUT

PREPARE AS MANY BAT-BASED
POTIONS AS YOU LIKE WITHOUT
POUNDING, GRINDING, OR MIXING BY

POTIONS AS YOU LIKE WITHOUT
POUNDING, GRINDING, OR MIXING BY
HAND.

POUNDING, GRINDING, OR MIXING BY
HAND.
THROW AWAY THAT MORTAR, PESTLE,

HAND.
THROW AWAY THAT MORTAR, PESTLE,
AND CAULDRON!

THROW AWAY THAT MORTAR, PESTLE,
AND CAULDRON!
GET THE SUPER BAT-O-MATIC '77!

AND CAULDRON!
GET THE SUPER BAT-O-MATIC '77!
IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC!

GET THE SUPER BAT-O-MATIC '77!
IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC!
Announcer: BAT-O-MATIC... AT

IT WORKS LIKE MAGIC!
Announcer: BAT-O-MATIC... AT
ALCHEMISTS EVERYWHERE!

THIS ITEM JUST IN.
♪ ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH ♪
♪ ZIP-A-DEE-AY ♪

♪ ZIP-A-DEE-DOO-DAH ♪
♪ ZIP-A-DEE-AY ♪
♪ MY... ♪

♪ ZIP-A-DEE-AY ♪
♪ MY... ♪
I'M SORRY.

♪ MY... ♪
I'M SORRY.
AND NOW HERE IS CORRESPONDENT

I'M SORRY.
AND NOW HERE IS CORRESPONDENT
JANE CURTIN WITH

AND NOW HERE IS CORRESPONDENT
JANE CURTIN WITH
"PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."

JANE CURTIN WITH
"PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."
THANK YOU, CHEVY.

"PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."
THANK YOU, CHEVY.
IN "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS" TONIGHT,

THANK YOU, CHEVY.
IN "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS" TONIGHT,
ACTOR SAMMY DAVIS JR. HAD A

IN "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS" TONIGHT,
ACTOR SAMMY DAVIS JR. HAD A
CLOSE CALL WITH DEATH WHEN HIS

ACTOR SAMMY DAVIS JR. HAD A
CLOSE CALL WITH DEATH WHEN HIS
TURQUOISE NECKLACE ACCIDENTALLY

CLOSE CALL WITH DEATH WHEN HIS
TURQUOISE NECKLACE ACCIDENTALLY
BECAME TANGLED WITH HIS WRIST

TURQUOISE NECKLACE ACCIDENTALLY
BECAME TANGLED WITH HIS WRIST
AND ANKLE BRACELETS DURING A

BECAME TANGLED WITH HIS WRIST
AND ANKLE BRACELETS DURING A
FAKE-LAUGHTER REHEARSAL LAST

AND ANKLE BRACELETS DURING A
FAKE-LAUGHTER REHEARSAL LAST
NIGHT IN LAS VEGAS.

FAKE-LAUGHTER REHEARSAL LAST
NIGHT IN LAS VEGAS.
WARREN BEATTY HAS SIGNED TO DO A

NIGHT IN LAS VEGAS.
WARREN BEATTY HAS SIGNED TO DO A
SEQUEL TO "SHAMPOO."

WARREN BEATTY HAS SIGNED TO DO A
SEQUEL TO "SHAMPOO."
THE ORIGINAL TITLE WAS TO BE

SEQUEL TO "SHAMPOO."
THE ORIGINAL TITLE WAS TO BE
"BLOW DRY" BUT HAS BEEN

THE ORIGINAL TITLE WAS TO BE
"BLOW DRY" BUT HAS BEEN
TENTATIVELY CHANGED TO

"BLOW DRY" BUT HAS BEEN
TENTATIVELY CHANGED TO
"OLDER AND SOFTER."

TENTATIVELY CHANGED TO
"OLDER AND SOFTER."
BUT THE BIG NEWS IS, OF COURSE,

"OLDER AND SOFTER."
BUT THE BIG NEWS IS, OF COURSE,
THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAR

BUT THE BIG NEWS IS, OF COURSE,
THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAR
CHEVY CHASE IS LEAVING THE

THAT "SATURDAY NIGHT" STAR
CHEVY CHASE IS LEAVING THE
TASTELESS LATE-NIGHT SHOW TO

CHEVY CHASE IS LEAVING THE
TASTELESS LATE-NIGHT SHOW TO
REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON ON

TASTELESS LATE-NIGHT SHOW TO
REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON ON
"THE TONIGHT SHOW" IN HOLLYWOOD.

REPLACE JOHNNY CARSON ON
"THE TONIGHT SHOW" IN HOLLYWOOD.
CARSON, STEPPING DOWN AFTER

"THE TONIGHT SHOW" IN HOLLYWOOD.
CARSON, STEPPING DOWN AFTER
ALMOST 15 YEARS, SAYS HE JUST

CARSON, STEPPING DOWN AFTER
ALMOST 15 YEARS, SAYS HE JUST
WANTS TO RELAX NOW, DO A LITTLE

ALMOST 15 YEARS, SAYS HE JUST
WANTS TO RELAX NOW, DO A LITTLE
TRAVELING AND DRINKING, AND READ

WANTS TO RELAX NOW, DO A LITTLE
TRAVELING AND DRINKING, AND READ
MONTY HALL'S BOOK AGAIN.

TRAVELING AND DRINKING, AND READ
MONTY HALL'S BOOK AGAIN.
CHASE SAYS HE'S LOOKING FORWARD

MONTY HALL'S BOOK AGAIN.
CHASE SAYS HE'S LOOKING FORWARD
TO INTERVIEWING SELF-INDULGENT

CHASE SAYS HE'S LOOKING FORWARD
TO INTERVIEWING SELF-INDULGENT
LAS VEGAS PERFORMERS AND

TO INTERVIEWING SELF-INDULGENT
LAS VEGAS PERFORMERS AND
MEANINGLESS PERSONALITIES EVERY

LAS VEGAS PERFORMERS AND
MEANINGLESS PERSONALITIES EVERY
SINGLE DAY FOR THE NEXT 10

MEANINGLESS PERSONALITIES EVERY
SINGLE DAY FOR THE NEXT 10
YEARS.

SINGLE DAY FOR THE NEXT 10
YEARS.
HE CONSIDERS IT A CHALLENGE AND

YEARS.
HE CONSIDERS IT A CHALLENGE AND
AN IMPORTANT STEP IN THE

HE CONSIDERS IT A CHALLENGE AND
AN IMPORTANT STEP IN THE
COMMUNICATIONS FIELD.

AN IMPORTANT STEP IN THE
COMMUNICATIONS FIELD.
AND THAT'S "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."

COMMUNICATIONS FIELD.
AND THAT'S "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."
THANK YOU, JANE.

AND THAT'S "PEOPLE IN THE NEWS."
THANK YOU, JANE.
WELL, THIS WEEK, THE TV NETWORKS

THANK YOU, JANE.
WELL, THIS WEEK, THE TV NETWORKS
ANNOUNCED THAT

WELL, THIS WEEK, THE TV NETWORKS
ANNOUNCED THAT
"THE BILL COSBY SHOW,"

ANNOUNCED THAT
"THE BILL COSBY SHOW,"
"BALL FOUR," "SPENCER'S PILOTS,"

"THE BILL COSBY SHOW,"
"BALL FOUR," "SPENCER'S PILOTS,"
"MR. T AND TINA," AND

"BALL FOUR," "SPENCER'S PILOTS,"
"MR. T AND TINA," AND
"GEMINI MAN"...

"MR. T AND TINA," AND
"GEMINI MAN"...
AND NOW, WEEKEND UPDATE'S GAME

"GEMINI MAN"...
AND NOW, WEEKEND UPDATE'S GAME
OF THE WEEK.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HELLO?

HELLO?
HELLO?
WHO?

HELLO?
WHO?
OH, YES, I'LL ACCEPT THE

WHO?
OH, YES, I'LL ACCEPT THE
CHARGES.

OH, YES, I'LL ACCEPT THE
CHARGES.
HI, FRANCISCO, HOW ARE YOU?

CHARGES.
HI, FRANCISCO, HOW ARE YOU?
HOW'S YOUR BACK?

HI, FRANCISCO, HOW ARE YOU?
HOW'S YOUR BACK?
GOOD.

HOW'S YOUR BACK?
GOOD.
NO, I'LL PROBABLY BE BACK AND

GOOD.
NO, I'LL PROBABLY BE BACK AND
FORTH.

NO, I'LL PROBABLY BE BACK AND
FORTH.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.

FORTH.
YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
WELL, YOU JUST, UH, PUT YOUR

YOU KNOW HOW IT IS.
WELL, YOU JUST, UH, PUT YOUR
LEGS UNDER A PILLOW.

WELL, YOU JUST, UH, PUT YOUR
LEGS UNDER A PILLOW.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.

LEGS UNDER A PILLOW.
YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.
UH-HUH.

YOU'LL FEEL MUCH BETTER.
UH-HUH.
WELL, IT'S GOOD TALKING TO YOU,

UH-HUH.
WELL, IT'S GOOD TALKING TO YOU,
YES.

WELL, IT'S GOOD TALKING TO YOU,
YES.
SHALL WE SEND YOU AN ABSENTEE

YES.
SHALL WE SEND YOU AN ABSENTEE
BALLOT?

SHALL WE SEND YOU AN ABSENTEE
BALLOT?
OKAY, SO LONG NOW.

BALLOT?
OKAY, SO LONG NOW.
WELL, THE ELECTION IS ALL BUT

OKAY, SO LONG NOW.
WELL, THE ELECTION IS ALL BUT
UPON US, AND IT'S AN IMPORTANT

WELL, THE ELECTION IS ALL BUT
UPON US, AND IT'S AN IMPORTANT
ELECTION.

IN THE PAST WEEKEND...

OR IN THE PAST, WEEKEND UPDATE

HAS MAINTAINED A PROFESSIONAL

OBJECTIVITY ABOUT MAJOR EVENTS

OF THE WORLD, NEVER TAKING

SIDES, ALWAYS ENDEAVORING TO

PRESENT ALL PERSPECTIVES ON ALL

THE ISSUES REGARDLESS OF

PERSONAL FEELINGS.

FOR THIS REASON, IN KEEPING WITH

OUR POLICY OF FAIRNESS, WE WILL

NOT ENDORSE EITHER OF THE

CANDIDATES FOR THE PRESIDENCY.

AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.

THANK YOU FOR JOINING US.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

BREAKFAST.

MY SPECIAL GUESTS THIS
EVENING HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD AS
A TOURING BAND FOR OVER 16

EVENING HAVE BEEN ON THE ROAD AS
A TOURING BAND FOR OVER 16
YEARS.

A TOURING BAND FOR OVER 16
YEARS.
THIS THANKSGIVING, THEY WILL BE

YEARS.
THIS THANKSGIVING, THEY WILL BE
DOING THEIR LAST LIVE

THIS THANKSGIVING, THEY WILL BE
DOING THEIR LAST LIVE
PERFORMANCE, AND WE ARE VERY

DOING THEIR LAST LIVE
PERFORMANCE, AND WE ARE VERY
HONORED TO HAVE THEM HERE

PERFORMANCE, AND WE ARE VERY
HONORED TO HAVE THEM HERE
TONIGHT.

HONORED TO HAVE THEM HERE
TONIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BAND.

TONIGHT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE BAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "LIFE IS A CARNIVAL"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "LIFE IS A CARNIVAL"
PLAYS]

♪ YOU CAN WALK ON THE WATER ♪
♪ DROWN IN THE SAND ♪
♪ YOU CAN FLY OFF A MOUNTAINTOP

♪ DROWN IN THE SAND ♪
♪ YOU CAN FLY OFF A MOUNTAINTOP
IF ANYBODY CAN ♪

♪ YOU CAN FLY OFF A MOUNTAINTOP
IF ANYBODY CAN ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪

IF ANYBODY CAN ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪

♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ IT'S A RESTLESS AGE ♪

♪ RUN AWAY ♪
♪ IT'S A RESTLESS AGE ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪

♪ IT'S A RESTLESS AGE ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪

♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪

♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪

♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ YOU CAN TURN THE PAGE ♪

♪ LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ YOU CAN TURN THE PAGE ♪
♪ HEY, BUDDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO

♪ YOU CAN TURN THE PAGE ♪
♪ HEY, BUDDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BUY A WATCH REAL CHEAP ♪

♪ HEY, BUDDY, WOULD YOU LIKE TO
BUY A WATCH REAL CHEAP ♪
♪ HERE ON THE STREET? ♪

BUY A WATCH REAL CHEAP ♪
♪ HERE ON THE STREET? ♪
♪ I GOT SIX ON EACH ARM ♪

♪ HERE ON THE STREET? ♪
♪ I GOT SIX ON EACH ARM ♪
♪ AND TWO MORE AROUND MY FEET ♪

♪ I GOT SIX ON EACH ARM ♪
♪ AND TWO MORE AROUND MY FEET ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪

♪ AND TWO MORE AROUND MY FEET ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ BELIEVE IT OR NOT ♪

♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ BELIEVE IT OR NOT ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪

♪ BELIEVE IT OR NOT ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ TWO BITS A SHOT ♪

♪ SAW A MAN WITH A JINX ♪
♪ IN THE THIRD DEGREE ♪
♪ TRYING TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE ♪

♪ IN THE THIRD DEGREE ♪
♪ TRYING TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE ♪
♪ PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE ♪

♪ TRYING TO DEAL WITH PEOPLE ♪
♪ PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪

♪ PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN'T SEE ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪

♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪

♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪

♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ THIS HOUSE OF MIRRORS ♪

♪ TAKE AWAY ♪
♪ THIS HOUSE OF MIRRORS ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪

♪ THIS HOUSE OF MIRRORS ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪

♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪

♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪

♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ ALL THE SOUVENIRS ♪

♪ GIVE AWAY ♪
♪ ALL THE SOUVENIRS ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT ♪

♪ ALL THE SOUVENIRS ♪
♪ WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT ♪
♪ READY TO FLOAT OFF THE EDGE OF

♪ WE'RE ALL IN THE SAME BOAT ♪
♪ READY TO FLOAT OFF THE EDGE OF
THE WORLD ♪

♪ READY TO FLOAT OFF THE EDGE OF
THE WORLD ♪
♪ A FLAT OLD WORLD ♪

THE WORLD ♪
♪ A FLAT OLD WORLD ♪
♪ THE STREET IS A SIDESHOW FROM

♪ A FLAT OLD WORLD ♪
♪ THE STREET IS A SIDESHOW FROM
THE PEDDLER TO THE CORNER GIRL ♪

♪ THE STREET IS A SIDESHOW FROM
THE PEDDLER TO THE CORNER GIRL ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪

THE PEDDLER TO THE CORNER GIRL ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ IT'S IN THE BOOK ♪

♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ IT'S IN THE BOOK ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪

♪ IT'S IN THE BOOK ♪
♪ LIFE IS A CARNIVAL ♪
♪ TAKE ANOTHER LOOK ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INTRO TO "THE NIGHT THEY DROVE
OLD DIXIE DOWN" PLAYS]
♪ VIRGIL CAINE IS THE NAME, AND

[OLD DIXIE DOWN" PLAYS]
♪ VIRGIL CAINE IS THE NAME, AND
I SERVED ON THE DANVILLE TRAIN ♪

♪ VIRGIL CAINE IS THE NAME, AND
I SERVED ON THE DANVILLE TRAIN ♪
♪ TILL STONEWALL'S CAVALRY CAME

I SERVED ON THE DANVILLE TRAIN ♪
♪ TILL STONEWALL'S CAVALRY CAME
AND THEY TORE UP THE TRACKS

♪ TILL STONEWALL'S CAVALRY CAME
AND THEY TORE UP THE TRACKS
AGAIN ♪

AND THEY TORE UP THE TRACKS
AGAIN ♪
♪ IN THE WINTER OF '65, WE WERE

AGAIN ♪
♪ IN THE WINTER OF '65, WE WERE
HUNGRY ♪

♪ IN THE WINTER OF '65, WE WERE
HUNGRY ♪
♪ JUST BARELY ALIVE ♪

HUNGRY ♪
♪ JUST BARELY ALIVE ♪
♪ BY MAY 10th, RICHMOND FELL ♪

♪ JUST BARELY ALIVE ♪
♪ BY MAY 10th, RICHMOND FELL ♪
♪ IT'S A TIME I REMEMBER, OH, SO

♪ BY MAY 10th, RICHMOND FELL ♪
♪ IT'S A TIME I REMEMBER, OH, SO
WELL ♪

♪ IT'S A TIME I REMEMBER, OH, SO
WELL ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

WELL ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪

♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪

♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,

SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪

♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪
♪ NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA ♪

NA, NA ♪
♪ NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA ♪
♪ BACK WITH MY WIFE IN

♪ NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA ♪
♪ BACK WITH MY WIFE IN
TENNESSEE ♪

♪ BACK WITH MY WIFE IN
TENNESSEE ♪
♪ WHEN ONE DAY SHE CALLED TO

TENNESSEE ♪
♪ WHEN ONE DAY SHE CALLED TO
ME ♪

♪ WHEN ONE DAY SHE CALLED TO
ME ♪
♪ SAID, "VIRGIL, QUICK, COME AND

ME ♪
♪ SAID, "VIRGIL, QUICK, COME AND
SEE ♪

♪ SAID, "VIRGIL, QUICK, COME AND
SEE ♪
♪ THERE GOES ROBERT E. LEE" ♪

SEE ♪
♪ THERE GOES ROBERT E. LEE" ♪
♪ NOW I DON'T MIND CHOPPING

♪ THERE GOES ROBERT E. LEE" ♪
♪ NOW I DON'T MIND CHOPPING
WOOD ♪

♪ NOW I DON'T MIND CHOPPING
WOOD ♪
♪ AND I DON'T CARE IF THE

WOOD ♪
♪ AND I DON'T CARE IF THE
MONEY'S NO GOOD ♪

♪ AND I DON'T CARE IF THE
MONEY'S NO GOOD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE WHAT YOU NEED, AND

MONEY'S NO GOOD ♪
♪ YOU TAKE WHAT YOU NEED, AND
YOU LEAVE THE REST ♪

♪ YOU TAKE WHAT YOU NEED, AND
YOU LEAVE THE REST ♪
♪ BUT THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE

YOU LEAVE THE REST ♪
♪ BUT THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE
TAKEN THE VERY BEST ♪

♪ BUT THEY SHOULD NEVER HAVE
TAKEN THE VERY BEST ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

TAKEN THE VERY BEST ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪

♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪

♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,

SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪

♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪
♪ NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA ♪

♪ AND LIKE MY FATHER BEFORE ME ♪
♪ I WILL WORK THE LAND ♪
♪ AND LIKE MY BROTHER ABOVE ME ♪

♪ I WILL WORK THE LAND ♪
♪ AND LIKE MY BROTHER ABOVE ME ♪
♪ WHO TOOK A REBEL STAND ♪

♪ AND LIKE MY BROTHER ABOVE ME ♪
♪ WHO TOOK A REBEL STAND ♪
♪ HE WAS JUST 18, PROUD AND

♪ WHO TOOK A REBEL STAND ♪
♪ HE WAS JUST 18, PROUD AND
BRAVE ♪

♪ HE WAS JUST 18, PROUD AND
BRAVE ♪
♪ BUT A YANKEE A-LAID HIM IN HIS

BRAVE ♪
♪ BUT A YANKEE A-LAID HIM IN HIS
GRAVE ♪

♪ BUT A YANKEE A-LAID HIM IN HIS
GRAVE ♪
♪ AND I SWEAR BY THE MUD BELOW

GRAVE ♪
♪ AND I SWEAR BY THE MUD BELOW
MY FEET ♪

♪ AND I SWEAR BY THE MUD BELOW
MY FEET ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T RAISE A CAINE BACK

MY FEET ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T RAISE A CAINE BACK
UP WHEN HE'S IN DEFEAT ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T RAISE A CAINE BACK
UP WHEN HE'S IN DEFEAT ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

UP WHEN HE'S IN DEFEAT ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪

♪ WHEN ALL THE BELLS WERE
RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE

RINGING ♪
♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪

♪ THE NIGHT THEY DROVE OLD DIXIE
DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE

DOWN ♪
♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪

♪ AND ALL THE PEOPLE WERE
SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,

SINGING ♪
♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪

♪ THEY WENT, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA,
NA, NA ♪
♪ NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA, NA ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INTRO TO "STAGE FRIGHT"
PLAYS]

♪ NOW DEEP IN THE HEART OF A
LONELY KID ♪
♪ WHO SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR WHAT

LONELY KID ♪
♪ WHO SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR WHAT
HE DID ♪

♪ WHO SUFFERED SO MUCH FOR WHAT
HE DID ♪
♪ THEY GAVE THIS POOR BOY HIS

HE DID ♪
♪ THEY GAVE THIS POOR BOY HIS
FORTUNE AND FAME ♪

♪ THEY GAVE THIS POOR BOY HIS
FORTUNE AND FAME ♪
♪ SINCE THAT DAY, HE AIN'T BEEN

FORTUNE AND FAME ♪
♪ SINCE THAT DAY, HE AIN'T BEEN
THE SAME ♪

♪ SINCE THAT DAY, HE AIN'T BEEN
THE SAME ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE

THE SAME ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪

♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE

FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪

♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE

IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪

♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GETS TO THE END ♪

SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GETS TO THE END ♪
♪ HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER

♪ BUT WHEN WE GETS TO THE END ♪
♪ HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪

♪ HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT FIREWATER RIGHT ON

AGAIN ♪
♪ I'VE GOT FIREWATER RIGHT ON
MY BREATH ♪

♪ I'VE GOT FIREWATER RIGHT ON
MY BREATH ♪
♪ AND THE DOCTOR WARNED ME I

MY BREATH ♪
♪ AND THE DOCTOR WARNED ME I
MIGHT CATCH A DEATH ♪

♪ AND THE DOCTOR WARNED ME I
MIGHT CATCH A DEATH ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YOU CAN MAKE IT IN

MIGHT CATCH A DEATH ♪
♪ HE SAID, "YOU CAN MAKE IT IN
YOUR DISGUISE ♪

♪ HE SAID, "YOU CAN MAKE IT IN
YOUR DISGUISE ♪
♪ JUST NEVER SHOW THE FEAR

YOUR DISGUISE ♪
♪ JUST NEVER SHOW THE FEAR
THAT'S IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ JUST NEVER SHOW THE FEAR
THAT'S IN YOUR EYES ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE

THAT'S IN YOUR EYES ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪

♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE

FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪

♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE

IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪

♪ HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,

SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,
WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER

♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,
WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪

WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW IF HE SAYS THAT HE'S

AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW IF HE SAYS THAT HE'S
AFRAID ♪

♪ NOW IF HE SAYS THAT HE'S
AFRAID ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TAKE HIM AT HIS

AFRAID ♪
♪ WON'T YOU TAKE HIM AT HIS
WORD? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU TAKE HIM AT HIS
WORD? ♪
♪ AND FOR THE PRICE THAT THE

WORD? ♪
♪ AND FOR THE PRICE THAT THE
POOR BOY HAS PAID ♪

♪ AND FOR THE PRICE THAT THE
POOR BOY HAS PAID ♪
♪ HE GETS TO SING JUST LIKE A

POOR BOY HAS PAID ♪
♪ HE GETS TO SING JUST LIKE A
BIRD ♪

♪ HE GETS TO SING JUST LIKE A
BIRD ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

♪ WHEN MY BROW IS SWEATING AND
MY MOUTH GETS DRY ♪
♪ FANCY PEOPLE GO DRIFTING BY ♪

MY MOUTH GETS DRY ♪
♪ FANCY PEOPLE GO DRIFTING BY ♪
♪ WELL, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH IS

♪ FANCY PEOPLE GO DRIFTING BY ♪
♪ WELL, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH IS
RIGHT AT HAND ♪

♪ WELL, THE MOMENT OF TRUTH IS
RIGHT AT HAND ♪
♪ JUST ONE MORE NIGHTMARE YOU

RIGHT AT HAND ♪
♪ JUST ONE MORE NIGHTMARE YOU
COULD STAND ♪

♪ JUST ONE MORE NIGHTMARE YOU
COULD STAND ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE

COULD STAND ♪
♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪

♪ SEE THE MAN WITH THE STAGE
FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE

FRIGHT ♪
♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪

♪ JUST STANDING UP THERE TO GIVE
IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ AND HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE

IT ALL HIS MIGHT ♪
♪ AND HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪

♪ AND HE GOT CAUGHT IN THE
SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,

SPOTLIGHT ♪
♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,
WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER

♪ BUT WHEN WE GET TO THE END,
WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪

WELL, HE WANTS TO START ALL OVER
AGAIN ♪
♪ JUST START ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DAMIAN IS SUCH A STRANGE
LITTLE BOY.
EVEN HIS NAME IS STRANGE...

LITTLE BOY.
EVEN HIS NAME IS STRANGE...
DAMIAN.

EVEN HIS NAME IS STRANGE...
DAMIAN.
WHY DID YOU NAME HIM THAT?

DAMIAN.
WHY DID YOU NAME HIM THAT?
I DIDN'T NAME HIM THAT.

WHY DID YOU NAME HIM THAT?
I DIDN'T NAME HIM THAT.
I THOUGHT YOU NAMED HIM THAT.

I DIDN'T NAME HIM THAT.
I THOUGHT YOU NAMED HIM THAT.
NO, I DIDN'T.

I THOUGHT YOU NAMED HIM THAT.
NO, I DIDN'T.
HOW STRANGE.

NO, I DIDN'T.
HOW STRANGE.
YES.

HOW STRANGE.
YES.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW HE HAS

YES.
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW HE HAS
THIS STRANGE, ALMOST DIABOLICAL

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED HOW HE HAS
THIS STRANGE, ALMOST DIABOLICAL
POWER OVER NANNY?

THIS STRANGE, ALMOST DIABOLICAL
POWER OVER NANNY?
YES.

POWER OVER NANNY?
YES.
IS SHE AFRAID OF HIM, OR HAS SHE

YES.
IS SHE AFRAID OF HIM, OR HAS SHE
ALWAYS SLEPT IN A BIBLE?

IS SHE AFRAID OF HIM, OR HAS SHE
ALWAYS SLEPT IN A BIBLE?
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS NANNY?

ALWAYS SLEPT IN A BIBLE?
BY THE WAY, WHERE IS NANNY?
[CLATTERING]

BY THE WAY, WHERE IS NANNY?
[CLATTERING]
I DON'T KNOW.

[CLATTERING]
I DON'T KNOW.
SHE MUST BE UPSTAIRS SOMEWHERE.

I DON'T KNOW.
SHE MUST BE UPSTAIRS SOMEWHERE.
AH!

SHE MUST BE UPSTAIRS SOMEWHERE.
AH!
THERE'S NANNY NOW!

AH!
THERE'S NANNY NOW!
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO

THERE'S NANNY NOW!
WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO
GET A NEW NANNY.

WELL, I SUPPOSE WE'LL HAVE TO
GET A NEW NANNY.
I HATE IT WHEN NANNY HANGS

GET A NEW NANNY.
I HATE IT WHEN NANNY HANGS
HERSELF.

I HATE IT WHEN NANNY HANGS
HERSELF.
BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

HERSELF.
BUT THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
YOU'RE AN AMBASSADOR.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
HELLO, I'M THE NEW NANNY...
MRS. BAYLOCK.

HELLO, I'M THE NEW NANNY...
MRS. BAYLOCK.
STAY, STUFFY.

MRS. BAYLOCK.
STAY, STUFFY.
PERHAPS I COULD GET ACQUAINTED

STAY, STUFFY.
PERHAPS I COULD GET ACQUAINTED
WITH DAMIAN IN MY OWN WAY.

PERHAPS I COULD GET ACQUAINTED
WITH DAMIAN IN MY OWN WAY.
SWELL!

WITH DAMIAN IN MY OWN WAY.
SWELL!
YES.

SWELL!
YES.
COME HERE, DAMIAN.

YES.
COME HERE, DAMIAN.
COME HERE, DARLING.

COME HERE, DAMIAN.
COME HERE, DARLING.
HAVE A LIVER SNAP!

COME HERE, DARLING.
HAVE A LIVER SNAP!
AH, I LIKE THE NEW NANNY.

HAVE A LIVER SNAP!
AH, I LIKE THE NEW NANNY.
ME, TOO.

AH, I LIKE THE NEW NANNY.
ME, TOO.
AMBASSADOR THORN!

ME, TOO.
AMBASSADOR THORN!
I'M FATHER GORGENHAVEN!

AMBASSADOR THORN!
I'M FATHER GORGENHAVEN!
I MUST TALK TO YOU!

I'M FATHER GORGENHAVEN!
I MUST TALK TO YOU!
FIRST, I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN.

I MUST TALK TO YOU!
FIRST, I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT ON MY

FIRST, I'D LIKE TO EXPLAIN.
IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT ON MY
WAY OVER HERE TO WARN YOU, I WAS

IT'S HARD TO BELIEVE, BUT ON MY
WAY OVER HERE TO WARN YOU, I WAS
IMPALED ON THIS STANDING LAMP.

WAY OVER HERE TO WARN YOU, I WAS
IMPALED ON THIS STANDING LAMP.
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?

IMPALED ON THIS STANDING LAMP.
CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
NO, BUT I COULD USE SOME

CAN I GET YOU A DRINK?
NO, BUT I COULD USE SOME
MURINE.

NO, BUT I COULD USE SOME
MURINE.
RIGHT AWAY, FATHER.

MURINE.
RIGHT AWAY, FATHER.
FIND OUT WHERE HE GOT THAT

RIGHT AWAY, FATHER.
FIND OUT WHERE HE GOT THAT
TERRIFIC LAMP.

FIND OUT WHERE HE GOT THAT
TERRIFIC LAMP.
I SHALL.

TERRIFIC LAMP.
I SHALL.
AMBASSADOR THORN, YOUR WIFE

I SHALL.
AMBASSADOR THORN, YOUR WIFE
IS NOT YOUR SON'S MOTHER.

AMBASSADOR THORN, YOUR WIFE
IS NOT YOUR SON'S MOTHER.
I WITNESSED THE BIRTH.

IS NOT YOUR SON'S MOTHER.
I WITNESSED THE BIRTH.
I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYE.

I WITNESSED THE BIRTH.
I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

I SAW IT WITH MY OWN EYE.
WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING THAT DAMIAN ISN'T

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I'M SAYING THAT DAMIAN ISN'T
YOUR REAL SON.

I'M SAYING THAT DAMIAN ISN'T
YOUR REAL SON.
I SAW HIS MOTHER.

YOUR REAL SON.
I SAW HIS MOTHER.
SHE WAS A D...

I SAW HIS MOTHER.
SHE WAS A D...
FATHER?

SHE WAS A D...
FATHER?
FATHER?!

FATHER?
FATHER?!
HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME

FATHER?!
HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME
SOMETHING.

HE WAS TRYING TO TELL ME
SOMETHING.
DAMIAN'S REAL MOTHER WAS A D...

SOMETHING.
DAMIAN'S REAL MOTHER WAS A D...
A DOCKWORKER.

DAMIAN'S REAL MOTHER WAS A D...
A DOCKWORKER.
NO, A DOORMAN!

A DOCKWORKER.
NO, A DOORMAN!
UH... A DREADFUL PERSON.

NO, A DOORMAN!
UH... A DREADFUL PERSON.
UH, DILDO SHARPENER.

UH... A DREADFUL PERSON.
UH, DILDO SHARPENER.
NO, A DART... DRAMA...

UH, DILDO SHARPENER.
NO, A DART... DRAMA...
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.

NO, A DART... DRAMA...
WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
WAIT!

WE'LL NEVER KNOW.
WAIT!
I'M NOT DEAD YET!

WAIT!
I'M NOT DEAD YET!
LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.

I'M NOT DEAD YET!
LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.
DAMIAN HAD A DOG FOR A MO...

LET ME PUT IT ANOTHER WAY.
DAMIAN HAD A DOG FOR A MO...
"A DOG FOR A MO... "?

DAMIAN HAD A DOG FOR A MO...
"A DOG FOR A MO... "?
A DOG FOR A MILKMAID?

"A DOG FOR A MO... "?
A DOG FOR A MILKMAID?
A MOTH TRAINER?

A DOG FOR A MILKMAID?
A MOTH TRAINER?
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?

A MOTH TRAINER?
A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?
WAIT A MINUTE, DAMIAN HAD A DOG

A MARRIAGE COUNSELOR?
WAIT A MINUTE, DAMIAN HAD A DOG
FOR A DART SHARPENER?

WAIT A MINUTE, DAMIAN HAD A DOG
FOR A DART SHARPENER?
DON'T DIE ON ME NOW, FATHER.

FOR A DART SHARPENER?
DON'T DIE ON ME NOW, FATHER.
I MUST KNOW... WHERE IS DAMIAN'S

DON'T DIE ON ME NOW, FATHER.
I MUST KNOW... WHERE IS DAMIAN'S
REAL MOTHER?

I MUST KNOW... WHERE IS DAMIAN'S
REAL MOTHER?
IN THE CEMETERY OF

REAL MOTHER?
IN THE CEMETERY OF
SANTA DIANGELO!

IN THE CEMETERY OF
SANTA DIANGELO!
AH.

SANTA DIANGELO!
AH.
HERE'S YOUR MURINE, FATHER.

AH.
HERE'S YOUR MURINE, FATHER.
OH, THANKS A LOT.

HERE'S YOUR MURINE, FATHER.
OH, THANKS A LOT.
NOW, LISTEN, HONEY...

OH, THANKS A LOT.
NOW, LISTEN, HONEY...
GORGENHAVEN AND I ARE GOING ON A

NOW, LISTEN, HONEY...
GORGENHAVEN AND I ARE GOING ON A
LITTLE TRIP TO THE OCULUS TO GET

GORGENHAVEN AND I ARE GOING ON A
LITTLE TRIP TO THE OCULUS TO GET
HIM A MONOCLE.

LITTLE TRIP TO THE OCULUS TO GET
HIM A MONOCLE.
YOU STAY HERE WITH DEAD NANNY,

HIM A MONOCLE.
YOU STAY HERE WITH DEAD NANNY,
LIVE NANNY, STUFFY THE DEVIL

YOU STAY HERE WITH DEAD NANNY,
LIVE NANNY, STUFFY THE DEVIL
DOG, BIG SATAN BABY, OR WHATEVER

LIVE NANNY, STUFFY THE DEVIL
DOG, BIG SATAN BABY, OR WHATEVER
HIS NAME IS.

DOG, BIG SATAN BABY, OR WHATEVER
HIS NAME IS.
YOU'LL BE SAFE WITH THEM.

HIS NAME IS.
YOU'LL BE SAFE WITH THEM.
OH, THAT WILL BE FUN.

YOU'LL BE SAFE WITH THEM.
OH, THAT WILL BE FUN.
COME ON, FATHER.

OH, THAT WILL BE FUN.
COME ON, FATHER.
AYE, WE MUST HURRY.

LET'S SEE NOW, THERE'S
FLICKA...
HMM.

FLICKA...
HMM.
MR. ED...

HMM.
MR. ED...
BLACK BEAUTY...

MR. ED...
BLACK BEAUTY...
RUFFIAN...

BLACK BEAUTY...
RUFFIAN...
WHAT IS THIS?

RUFFIAN...
WHAT IS THIS?
THESE SEEM TO BE LATE HORSES.

WHAT IS THIS?
THESE SEEM TO BE LATE HORSES.
KEEP LOOKING.

THESE SEEM TO BE LATE HORSES.
KEEP LOOKING.
AH, OLD YELLER...

KEEP LOOKING.
AH, OLD YELLER...
CHECKERS...

AH, OLD YELLER...
CHECKERS...
AND DAMIAN'S MOTHER!

CHECKERS...
AND DAMIAN'S MOTHER!
MY GOD!

AND DAMIAN'S MOTHER!
MY GOD!
WHY IN HELL DO YOU SUPPOSE

MY GOD!
WHY IN HELL DO YOU SUPPOSE
THEY WOULD BURY HER IN A PET

WHY IN HELL DO YOU SUPPOSE
THEY WOULD BURY HER IN A PET
CEMETERY?

THEY WOULD BURY HER IN A PET
CEMETERY?
OH.

CEMETERY?
OH.
OH, MY GOD.

OH.
OH, MY GOD.
MY DEAR, DEAD DARLING, DAMP,

OH, MY GOD.
MY DEAR, DEAD DARLING, DAMP,
DROWNED WIFE!

MY DEAR, DEAD DARLING, DAMP,
DROWNED WIFE!
BAD DOG, BAD DOG!

DROWNED WIFE!
BAD DOG, BAD DOG!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!

BAD DOG, BAD DOG!
WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
AH, AMBASSADOR THORN.

WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?!
AH, AMBASSADOR THORN.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME IN

AH, AMBASSADOR THORN.
YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME IN
THE CAR ALONE.

YOU SHOULDN'T HAVE LEFT ME IN
THE CAR ALONE.
IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET

THE CAR ALONE.
IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET
OUT.

IT TOOK ME 20 MINUTES TO GET
OUT.
LISTEN, ONE OF OUR NANNIES

OUT.
LISTEN, ONE OF OUR NANNIES
HAS BEEN HUNG.

LISTEN, ONE OF OUR NANNIES
HAS BEEN HUNG.
MY WIFE HAS DROWNED.

HAS BEEN HUNG.
MY WIFE HAS DROWNED.
MY SON'S REAL MOTHER IS BURIED

MY WIFE HAS DROWNED.
MY SON'S REAL MOTHER IS BURIED
IN A PET CEMETERY.

MY SON'S REAL MOTHER IS BURIED
IN A PET CEMETERY.
SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WRONG.

IN A PET CEMETERY.
SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WRONG.
IT IS THE WORK OF SATAN.

SOMETHING SEEMS TO BE WRONG.
IT IS THE WORK OF SATAN.
HE IS AMONG US.

IT IS THE WORK OF SATAN.
HE IS AMONG US.
HE...

HE IS AMONG US.
HE...
[GROANS]

HE...
[GROANS]
FATHER?

[GROANS]
FATHER?
THANK GOD FOR THE BANDAGE.

FATHER?
THANK GOD FOR THE BANDAGE.
AMBASSADOR THORN?

THANK GOD FOR THE BANDAGE.
AMBASSADOR THORN?
YES?

AMBASSADOR THORN?
YES?
I HAVE SOME PICTURES.

YES?
I HAVE SOME PICTURES.
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN

I HAVE SOME PICTURES.
I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
PICTURES NOW.

I'M NOT INTERESTED IN
PICTURES NOW.
PICTURES OF YOUR WIFE.

PICTURES NOW.
PICTURES OF YOUR WIFE.
I'M NOT INTERESTED.

PICTURES OF YOUR WIFE.
I'M NOT INTERESTED.
AND YOUR DOG.

I'M NOT INTERESTED.
AND YOUR DOG.
I'M INTERESTED.

AND YOUR DOG.
I'M INTERESTED.
GOOD.

I'M INTERESTED.
GOOD.
IT'S A BIT DARK IN HERE.

GOOD.
IT'S A BIT DARK IN HERE.
LET'S TURN ON THE PRIEST.

IT'S A BIT DARK IN HERE.
LET'S TURN ON THE PRIEST.
ALL RIGHT.

LET'S TURN ON THE PRIEST.
ALL RIGHT.
LOOK AT THIS.

ALL RIGHT.
LOOK AT THIS.
YES?

LOOK AT THIS.
YES?
THE SAME THING IN EACH SHOT.

YES?
THE SAME THING IN EACH SHOT.
LOOK ABOVE THE NANNY'S HEAD.

THE SAME THING IN EACH SHOT.
LOOK ABOVE THE NANNY'S HEAD.
THREE 6's.

LOOK ABOVE THE NANNY'S HEAD.
THREE 6's.
THE NUMBERS 666.

THREE 6's.
THE NUMBERS 666.
AGAIN, ABOVE THE PRIEST'S

THE NUMBERS 666.
AGAIN, ABOVE THE PRIEST'S
HEAD... THE NUMBERS 666.

AGAIN, ABOVE THE PRIEST'S
HEAD... THE NUMBERS 666.
AH.

HEAD... THE NUMBERS 666.
AH.
AND AGAIN HERE... THE SAME

AH.
AND AGAIN HERE... THE SAME
MARK... 666.

AND AGAIN HERE... THE SAME
MARK... 666.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.

MARK... 666.
THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE

THIS IS INCREDIBLE.
WHERE DID YOU GET THESE
PICTURES?

WHERE DID YOU GET THESE
PICTURES?
I GOT THEM AT 666

PICTURES?
I GOT THEM AT 666
KNIGHTSBRIDGE, RIGHT NEAR THE

I GOT THEM AT 666
KNIGHTSBRIDGE, RIGHT NEAR THE
LONDON HILL.

KNIGHTSBRIDGE, RIGHT NEAR THE
LONDON HILL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE

LONDON HILL.
DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE
PICTURES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY MORE
PICTURES?
HERE'S THE FUNNIEST THING.

PICTURES?
HERE'S THE FUNNIEST THING.
AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY, I MADE AN

HERE'S THE FUNNIEST THING.
AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY, I MADE AN
ASS OF MYSELF.

AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY, I MADE AN
ASS OF MYSELF.
[LAUGHS]

ASS OF MYSELF.
[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]
[LAUGHS]
AND HERE'S ONE AT MY WEDDING.

[LAUGHS]
AND HERE'S ONE AT MY WEDDING.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

AND HERE'S ONE AT MY WEDDING.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.
[LAUGHS]

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.
[LAUGHS]
AND THERE'S SOME MORE IN THE

[LAUGHS]
AND THERE'S SOME MORE IN THE
CAR.

AND THERE'S SOME MORE IN THE
CAR.
I COULD GET THEM.

CAR.
I COULD GET THEM.
WHY DON'T YOU?

I COULD GET THEM.
WHY DON'T YOU?
YOU FOOL!

WHY DON'T YOU?
YOU FOOL!
IT'S THOSE EARLIER PICTURES!

YOU FOOL!
IT'S THOSE EARLIER PICTURES!
YES?

IT'S THOSE EARLIER PICTURES!
YES?
THE ONES WITH THE 666!

YES?
THE ONES WITH THE 666!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

THE ONES WITH THE 666!
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S THE SIGN OF THE

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
IT'S THE SIGN OF THE
ANTICHRIST!

IT'S THE SIGN OF THE
ANTICHRIST!
666... THE DEVIL'S AREA CODE!

ANTICHRIST!
666... THE DEVIL'S AREA CODE!
SEARCH FOR IT ON THE SKIN OF

666... THE DEVIL'S AREA CODE!
SEARCH FOR IT ON THE SKIN OF
THE EVIL ONE!

SEARCH FOR IT ON THE SKIN OF
THE EVIL ONE!
WELL, WHAT EVIL ONE?

THE EVIL ONE!
WELL, WHAT EVIL ONE?
DAMIAN... HIS FATHER WAS

WELL, WHAT EVIL ONE?
DAMIAN... HIS FATHER WAS
SATAN.

DAMIAN... HIS FATHER WAS
SATAN.
HIS MOTHER WAS SPOT, OR WHATEVER

SATAN.
HIS MOTHER WAS SPOT, OR WHATEVER
HER NAME WAS.

HIS MOTHER WAS SPOT, OR WHATEVER
HER NAME WAS.
WAIT.

HER NAME WAS.
WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT.
WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF I FIND

WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF I FIND
THREE 6's ON THE SKIN OF THAT

YOU'RE TELLING ME THAT IF I FIND
THREE 6's ON THE SKIN OF THAT
BOY, THAT WILL PROVE HE IS THE

THREE 6's ON THE SKIN OF THAT
BOY, THAT WILL PROVE HE IS THE
SON OF SATAN HIMSELF?

BOY, THAT WILL PROVE HE IS THE
SON OF SATAN HIMSELF?
YES.

SON OF SATAN HIMSELF?
YES.
THEN WHAT DO I DO?

YES.
THEN WHAT DO I DO?
THEN, IT IS A FIGHT TO THE

THEN WHAT DO I DO?
THEN, IT IS A FIGHT TO THE
DEATH BETWEEN YOU AND THE PRINCE

THEN, IT IS A FIGHT TO THE
DEATH BETWEEN YOU AND THE PRINCE
OF DARKNESS, AND REMEMBER, HE'S

DEATH BETWEEN YOU AND THE PRINCE
OF DARKNESS, AND REMEMBER, HE'S
ALL-POWERFUL AND CAN SUMMON UP

OF DARKNESS, AND REMEMBER, HE'S
ALL-POWERFUL AND CAN SUMMON UP
ALL EVIL FORCES OF THE WORLD

ALL-POWERFUL AND CAN SUMMON UP
ALL EVIL FORCES OF THE WORLD
AGAINST YOU.

ALL EVIL FORCES OF THE WORLD
AGAINST YOU.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO DESTROY THE

AGAINST YOU.
HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO DESTROY THE
WORLD AND YOU.

HE'LL DO ANYTHING TO DESTROY THE
WORLD AND YOU.
WHAT WEAPONS WILL I HAVE AT

WORLD AND YOU.
WHAT WEAPONS WILL I HAVE AT
MY DISPOSAL?

WHAT WEAPONS WILL I HAVE AT
MY DISPOSAL?
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET A

MY DISPOSAL?
YOU'LL HAVE TO GET A
SPECIALLY BLESSED KNIFE FROM A

YOU'LL HAVE TO GET A
SPECIALLY BLESSED KNIFE FROM A
SPECIALLY BLESSED GUY I KNOW.

SPECIALLY BLESSED KNIFE FROM A
SPECIALLY BLESSED GUY I KNOW.
SEIZE THE FIEND AND DRAG HIM

SPECIALLY BLESSED GUY I KNOW.
SEIZE THE FIEND AND DRAG HIM
OFF TO THE ALTER OF THE CHURCH

SEIZE THE FIEND AND DRAG HIM
OFF TO THE ALTER OF THE CHURCH
OF YOUR CHOICE.

OFF TO THE ALTER OF THE CHURCH
OF YOUR CHOICE.
YES?

OF YOUR CHOICE.
YES?
PLUNGE THE KNIFE INTO HIS

YES?
PLUNGE THE KNIFE INTO HIS
BLACK HEART.

PLUNGE THE KNIFE INTO HIS
BLACK HEART.
YES?

BLACK HEART.
YES?
SEVER HIS LIMBS.

YES?
SEVER HIS LIMBS.
YES?

SEVER HIS LIMBS.
YES?
PLUCK FOR HIS KIDNEYS AND

YES?
PLUCK FOR HIS KIDNEYS AND
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKETS... MORE

PLUCK FOR HIS KIDNEYS AND
PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKETS... MORE
ON THAT LATER... AND SET HIS

PUT THEM IN YOUR POCKETS... MORE
ON THAT LATER... AND SET HIS
HAIR ON FIRE.

ON THAT LATER... AND SET HIS
HAIR ON FIRE.
FATHER, IT'S REVOLTING, BUT I

HAIR ON FIRE.
FATHER, IT'S REVOLTING, BUT I
THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT MUST BE

FATHER, IT'S REVOLTING, BUT I
THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT MUST BE
DONE.

THINK I UNDERSTAND WHAT MUST BE
DONE.
AYE.

DONE.
AYE.
AMBASSADOR THORN, I WARN

AYE.
AMBASSADOR THORN, I WARN
YOU!

AMBASSADOR THORN, I WARN
YOU!
I'M HERE TO PROTECT THE CHILD,

YOU!
I'M HERE TO PROTECT THE CHILD,
AND I'LL STOP AT NOTHING!

I'M HERE TO PROTECT THE CHILD,
AND I'LL STOP AT NOTHING!
JUST A SECOND.

AND I'LL STOP AT NOTHING!
JUST A SECOND.
WE MUST FIND OUT.

JUST A SECOND.
WE MUST FIND OUT.
HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE MUST FIND OUT.
HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THREE 9's.

HEY, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
IT'S JUST THREE 9's.
AH, GOOD BOY, DAMIAN.

IT'S JUST THREE 9's.
AH, GOOD BOY, DAMIAN.
GIVE HIM A LIVER SNAP, NURSIE.

AH, GOOD BOY, DAMIAN.
GIVE HIM A LIVER SNAP, NURSIE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

GIVE HIM A LIVER SNAP, NURSIE.
THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, FATHER GORGENHAVEN.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT.
COME ON, FATHER GORGENHAVEN.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE ALL-NIGHT

COME ON, FATHER GORGENHAVEN.
LET'S GO DOWN TO THE ALL-NIGHT
DRUGSTORE AND GET THAT EYE

LET'S GO DOWN TO THE ALL-NIGHT
DRUGSTORE AND GET THAT EYE
SOME OINTMENT.

DRUGSTORE AND GET THAT EYE
SOME OINTMENT.
WHAT ABOUT MY LAMP?

HOWARD SHORE, OUR BAND
LEADER, WROTE A SPECIAL SONG FOR
THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH HE

LEADER, WROTE A SPECIAL SONG FOR
THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH HE
SINGS.

THIS WEEK'S SHOW, WHICH HE
SINGS.
IT'S COMBINED WITH A SPECIAL

SINGS.
IT'S COMBINED WITH A SPECIAL
FILM BY GARY WEIS, AND I'M IN

IT'S COMBINED WITH A SPECIAL
FILM BY GARY WEIS, AND I'M IN
THERE SOME PLACE, TOO.

FILM BY GARY WEIS, AND I'M IN
THERE SOME PLACE, TOO.
HERE'S GARY WEIS' FILM.

♪ PUT ON THE FULL MOON
RISING ♪
♪ PUT ON THE DARKEST NIGHT ♪

RISING ♪
♪ PUT ON THE DARKEST NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT CAME SO

♪ PUT ON THE DARKEST NIGHT ♪
♪ YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT CAME SO
QUICKLY ♪

♪ YOU CAN'T BELIEVE IT CAME SO
QUICKLY ♪
♪ OH, BUT, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN

QUICKLY ♪
♪ OH, BUT, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN
TONIGHT ♪

♪ YOU SURE LOOK FINE IN YOUR
COSTUME ♪
♪ I'D SAY YOU'VE DONE YOURSELF

COSTUME ♪
♪ I'D SAY YOU'VE DONE YOURSELF
UP RIGHT ♪

♪ I'D SAY YOU'VE DONE YOURSELF
UP RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO

UP RIGHT ♪
♪ YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LOOK TOO PRETTY ♪

♪ YOU KNOW YOU DON'T HAVE TO
LOOK TOO PRETTY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN

LOOK TOO PRETTY ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN
TONIGHT ♪

♪ AND IN THE EVENING, WHEN THE
SUN GOES DOWN ♪
♪ OH, WE'RE GONNA DRESS UP AND

SUN GOES DOWN ♪
♪ OH, WE'RE GONNA DRESS UP AND
GET OURSELVES DOWNTOWN ♪

♪ OH, WE'RE GONNA DRESS UP AND
GET OURSELVES DOWNTOWN ♪
♪ AND THEN THAT NIGHT, WHEN THAT

GET OURSELVES DOWNTOWN ♪
♪ AND THEN THAT NIGHT, WHEN THAT
CLOCK STRIKES 12:00 ♪

♪ AND THEN THAT NIGHT, WHEN THAT
CLOCK STRIKES 12:00 ♪
♪ WE'RE GONNA GET BACK HOME IN

CLOCK STRIKES 12:00 ♪
♪ WE'RE GONNA GET BACK HOME IN
TIME TO ACT OURSELVES ♪

♪ WE'RE GONNA GET BACK HOME IN
TIME TO ACT OURSELVES ♪
♪ I'LL PUT ON MY RED BANDANA ♪

TIME TO ACT OURSELVES ♪
♪ I'LL PUT ON MY RED BANDANA ♪
♪ MAKE SURE YOU TURN OUT ALL THE

♪ I'LL PUT ON MY RED BANDANA ♪
♪ MAKE SURE YOU TURN OUT ALL THE
LIGHTS ♪

♪ MAKE SURE YOU TURN OUT ALL THE
LIGHTS ♪
♪ WE HAVEN'T GOT NO TIME FOR

LIGHTS ♪
♪ WE HAVEN'T GOT NO TIME FOR
TV ♪

♪ WE HAVEN'T GOT NO TIME FOR
TV ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, IT'S

TV ♪
♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, IT'S
HALLOWEEN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE, BABY, IT'S
HALLOWEEN ♪
♪ OH, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN ♪

HALLOWEEN ♪
♪ OH, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN ♪
♪ OH, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN

♪ OH, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN ♪
♪ OH, BABY, IT'S HALLOWEEN
TONIGHT ♪

PROVING WHAT YOU SEE IS NOT
NECESSARILY WHAT YOU GET.
HIS NAME WAS EHRICH WEISS, BUT

NECESSARILY WHAT YOU GET.
HIS NAME WAS EHRICH WEISS, BUT
MILLIONS KNEW HIM AS THE GREAT

HIS NAME WAS EHRICH WEISS, BUT
MILLIONS KNEW HIM AS THE GREAT
HOUDINI.

MILLIONS KNEW HIM AS THE GREAT
HOUDINI.
IT WAS EXACTLY 50 YEARS AGO

HOUDINI.
IT WAS EXACTLY 50 YEARS AGO
TONIGHT THAT THE GREAT HOUDINI

IT WAS EXACTLY 50 YEARS AGO
TONIGHT THAT THE GREAT HOUDINI
DIED AFTER A FATAL BLOW TO HIS

TONIGHT THAT THE GREAT HOUDINI
DIED AFTER A FATAL BLOW TO HIS
STOMACH BY AN ART STUDENT AT

DIED AFTER A FATAL BLOW TO HIS
STOMACH BY AN ART STUDENT AT
McGILL UNIVERSITY.

STOMACH BY AN ART STUDENT AT
McGILL UNIVERSITY.
NOW, HOUDINI WROTE THAT IF IT

McGILL UNIVERSITY.
NOW, HOUDINI WROTE THAT IF IT
WERE AT ALL POSSIBLE TO RETURN

NOW, HOUDINI WROTE THAT IF IT
WERE AT ALL POSSIBLE TO RETURN
FROM THE DEAD, HE WOULD DO SO

WERE AT ALL POSSIBLE TO RETURN
FROM THE DEAD, HE WOULD DO SO
EXACTLY 50 YEARS FROM HIS DEATH,

FROM THE DEAD, HE WOULD DO SO
EXACTLY 50 YEARS FROM HIS DEATH,
AND TONIGHT IS THAT NIGHT.

WE NOW SWITCH YOU, LIVE, TO OUR

MOBILE CAMERA UNIT AT

MACHPELAH CEMETERY IN BROOKLYN

WHERE GARRETT MORRIS IS STANDING

AT THE GRAVE SITE OF THE FAMOUS

MAGICIAN HIMSELF.

COME IN, GARRETT.

GARRETT, HAS ANYTHING HAPPENED?

UH, BUCK?

UH, ABOUT FIVE MINUTES AGO, MAN,

A VERY STRANGE-LOOKING DUDE CAME

RIGHT HERE BY THE GRAVE SITE,

MAN.

UH, HE HAD A VERY HEAVY SPANISH
ACCENT AND... AND... AND HE WORE
A UNIFORM, AND HE SAID HIS NAME

ACCENT AND... AND... AND HE WORE
A UNIFORM, AND HE SAID HIS NAME
WAS FRANK... FRAN...

A UNIFORM, AND HE SAID HIS NAME
WAS FRANK... FRAN...
SAN FRANCISCO... GENERALISSIMO.

WAS FRANK... FRAN...
SAN FRANCISCO... GENERALISSIMO.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.

SAN FRANCISCO... GENERALISSIMO.
I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.
HE WAS NOT HOUDINI.

I DON'T REMEMBER WHAT IT WAS.
HE WAS NOT HOUDINI.
THAT IS FOR SURE.

HE WAS NOT HOUDINI.
THAT IS FOR SURE.
ALL RIGHT, GARRETT.

THAT IS FOR SURE.
ALL RIGHT, GARRETT.
UH, BACK TO YOU, BUCK.

ALL RIGHT, GARRETT.
UH, BACK TO YOU, BUCK.
OKAY, IF ANYTHING FURTHER

UH, BACK TO YOU, BUCK.
OKAY, IF ANYTHING FURTHER
SHOULD HAPPEN, WE WILL BE RIGHT

OKAY, IF ANYTHING FURTHER
SHOULD HAPPEN, WE WILL BE RIGHT
BACK TO YOU.

SHOULD HAPPEN, WE WILL BE RIGHT
BACK TO YOU.
OKAY. YEAH.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, AND
TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME

I'M MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE, AND
TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME
TALE IS ENTITLED

TONIGHT'S LEAST-LOVED BEDTIME
TALE IS ENTITLED
"THE ENCHANTED THERMOS," AND IT

TALE IS ENTITLED
"THE ENCHANTED THERMOS," AND IT
TAKES PLACE IN THE FROZEN NORTH.

"THE ENCHANTED THERMOS," AND IT
TAKES PLACE IN THE FROZEN NORTH.
PICTURE THIS... AN ESKIMO...

TAKES PLACE IN THE FROZEN NORTH.
PICTURE THIS... AN ESKIMO...
IN FACT... IN FACT, THE LITTLEST

PICTURE THIS... AN ESKIMO...
IN FACT... IN FACT, THE LITTLEST
ESKIMO.

IN FACT... IN FACT, THE LITTLEST
ESKIMO.
HOW'S THAT, HUH?

ESKIMO.
HOW'S THAT, HUH?
THE LITTLEST ESKIMO IS LOST IN

HOW'S THAT, HUH?
THE LITTLEST ESKIMO IS LOST IN
THE TRACKLESS WASTE... COLD,

THE LITTLEST ESKIMO IS LOST IN
THE TRACKLESS WASTE... COLD,
TIRED, HALF-DEAD FROM HUNGER.

THE TRACKLESS WASTE... COLD,
TIRED, HALF-DEAD FROM HUNGER.
THEN, IN THE DISTANCE, HE SPOTS

TIRED, HALF-DEAD FROM HUNGER.
THEN, IN THE DISTANCE, HE SPOTS
A BRIGHTLY COLORED THERMOS

THEN, IN THE DISTANCE, HE SPOTS
A BRIGHTLY COLORED THERMOS
BURIED IN A SNOWDRIFT.

A BRIGHTLY COLORED THERMOS
BURIED IN A SNOWDRIFT.
HE RACES TOWARD IT, HIS TINY

BURIED IN A SNOWDRIFT.
HE RACES TOWARD IT, HIS TINY
HEART POUNDING WITH EXCITEMENT.

HE RACES TOWARD IT, HIS TINY
HEART POUNDING WITH EXCITEMENT.
OBVIOUSLY, SINCE HE IS THE

HEART POUNDING WITH EXCITEMENT.
OBVIOUSLY, SINCE HE IS THE
LITTLEST ESKIMO, HE'D HAVE A

OBVIOUSLY, SINCE HE IS THE
LITTLEST ESKIMO, HE'D HAVE A
TINY HEART, PERHAPS EVEN THE

LITTLEST ESKIMO, HE'D HAVE A
TINY HEART, PERHAPS EVEN THE
TINIEST.

TINY HEART, PERHAPS EVEN THE
TINIEST.
PICKING UP THE THERMOS, HE

TINIEST.
PICKING UP THE THERMOS, HE
UNSCREWS THE RED PLASTIC TOP

PICKING UP THE THERMOS, HE
UNSCREWS THE RED PLASTIC TOP
THAT ALSO SERVES AS A CUP, PULLS

UNSCREWS THE RED PLASTIC TOP
THAT ALSO SERVES AS A CUP, PULLS
THE RUBBER STOPPER, AND...

THAT ALSO SERVES AS A CUP, PULLS
THE RUBBER STOPPER, AND...
KAZAM... OUT POPS A GENIE IN A

THE RUBBER STOPPER, AND...
KAZAM... OUT POPS A GENIE IN A
PARKA WHO SAYS, "I CAN GIVE YOU

KAZAM... OUT POPS A GENIE IN A
PARKA WHO SAYS, "I CAN GIVE YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT AS LONG AS

PARKA WHO SAYS, "I CAN GIVE YOU
ANYTHING YOU WANT AS LONG AS
IT'S MADE OUT OF SNOW."

ANYTHING YOU WANT AS LONG AS
IT'S MADE OUT OF SNOW."
"I'M SO HUNGRY," SAID THE

IT'S MADE OUT OF SNOW."
"I'M SO HUNGRY," SAID THE
ESKIMO.

"I'M SO HUNGRY," SAID THE
ESKIMO.
"COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME

ESKIMO.
"COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME
DINNER?"

"COULD YOU PLEASE MAKE ME
DINNER?"
"SURE THING," REPLIED THE GENIE,

DINNER?"
"SURE THING," REPLIED THE GENIE,
AND WITHIN SECONDS, HE HAD

"SURE THING," REPLIED THE GENIE,
AND WITHIN SECONDS, HE HAD
PREPARED A DELICIOUS DINNER OF

AND WITHIN SECONDS, HE HAD
PREPARED A DELICIOUS DINNER OF
SNOW CUTLETS STUFFED WITH SNOW,

PREPARED A DELICIOUS DINNER OF
SNOW CUTLETS STUFFED WITH SNOW,
SNOW CASSEROLE, SNOW PATTIES,

SNOW CUTLETS STUFFED WITH SNOW,
SNOW CASSEROLE, SNOW PATTIES,
SNOW SALAD, A SIDE OF SNOW, SNOW

SNOW CASSEROLE, SNOW PATTIES,
SNOW SALAD, A SIDE OF SNOW, SNOW
PUDDING, AND A GENEROUS GLASS OF

SNOW SALAD, A SIDE OF SNOW, SNOW
PUDDING, AND A GENEROUS GLASS OF
SLUSH.

PUDDING, AND A GENEROUS GLASS OF
SLUSH.
"OH, BOY," EXCLAIMED THE

SLUSH.
"OH, BOY," EXCLAIMED THE
LITTLEST ESKIMO, TOOK A FEW

"OH, BOY," EXCLAIMED THE
LITTLEST ESKIMO, TOOK A FEW
BITES AND FELL INTO A COMA.

LITTLEST ESKIMO, TOOK A FEW
BITES AND FELL INTO A COMA.
ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, HE WAS

BITES AND FELL INTO A COMA.
ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, HE WAS
DEAD.

ABOUT 10 MINUTES LATER, HE WAS
DEAD.
THE GENIE WENT THROUGH HIS

DEAD.
THE GENIE WENT THROUGH HIS
POCKETS AND THEN CRAWLED BACK

THE GENIE WENT THROUGH HIS
POCKETS AND THEN CRAWLED BACK
INSIDE THE THERMOS TO GET WARM.

POCKETS AND THEN CRAWLED BACK
INSIDE THE THERMOS TO GET WARM.
THE END.

INSIDE THE THERMOS TO GET WARM.
THE END.
I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH

THE END.
I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH
THIS THOUGHT.

I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE YOU WITH
THIS THOUGHT.
AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, THE

THIS THOUGHT.
AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, THE
FINGERNAILS DO CONTINUE TO GROW

AS YOU PROBABLY KNOW, THE
FINGERNAILS DO CONTINUE TO GROW
AFTER DEATH, SO IN A SENSE...

FINGERNAILS DO CONTINUE TO GROW
AFTER DEATH, SO IN A SENSE...
IN A VERY REAL SENSE... WE ALL

AFTER DEATH, SO IN A SENSE...
IN A VERY REAL SENSE... WE ALL
TURN INTO CHINESE MANDARINS

IN A VERY REAL SENSE... WE ALL
TURN INTO CHINESE MANDARINS
BEYOND THE GRAVE.

TURN INTO CHINESE MANDARINS
BEYOND THE GRAVE.
GOOD NIGHT.

WE'RE NOW GOING TO TAKE YOU
BACK TO GARRETT MORRIS, WHO IS
STILL AT THE HOUDINI GRAVE SITE.

BACK TO GARRETT MORRIS, WHO IS
STILL AT THE HOUDINI GRAVE SITE.
GARRETT, WILL YOU COME IN

STILL AT THE HOUDINI GRAVE SITE.
GARRETT, WILL YOU COME IN
PLEASE?

GARRETT, WILL YOU COME IN
PLEASE?
COME IN, GARRETT.

PLEASE?
COME IN, GARRETT.
WHAT'S HAPPENING?

AH.

GARRETT, WHAT'S HAPPENED?

AH.

HAS SOMETHING HAPPENED?

[MUMBLING]

CAN YOU SAY ANYTHING IN

ENGLISH?

[MUMBLING]
APPARENTLY, WE'RE HAVING SOME
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.

APPARENTLY, WE'RE HAVING SOME
TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
GARRETT, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES.
GARRETT, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
UM...

GARRETT, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
UM...
ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'LL HAVE

UM...
ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'LL HAVE
TO RETURN TO HOUDINI'S GRAVE A

ALL RIGHT, I THINK WE'LL HAVE
TO RETURN TO HOUDINI'S GRAVE A
LITTLE LATER.

TO RETURN TO HOUDINI'S GRAVE A
LITTLE LATER.
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,

LITTLE LATER.
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
THE BAND.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
THE BAND.
[INTRO TO "GEORGIA ON MY MIND"

THE BAND.
[INTRO TO "GEORGIA ON MY MIND"
PLAYS]

♪ GEORGIA ♪
♪ GEORGIA ♪
♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪

♪ GEORGIA ♪
♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪
♪ THERE'S THAT OLD SWEET SONG ♪

♪ THE WHOLE DAY THROUGH ♪
♪ THERE'S THAT OLD SWEET SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY

♪ THERE'S THAT OLD SWEET SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY
MIND ♪

♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY
MIND ♪
♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪

MIND ♪
♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪

♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ THE SONG OF YOU ♪

♪ OH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ THE SONG OF YOU ♪
♪ COMES AS SWEET AND CLEAR ♪

♪ THE SONG OF YOU ♪
♪ COMES AS SWEET AND CLEAR ♪
♪ JUST LIKE MOONLIGHT THROUGH

♪ COMES AS SWEET AND CLEAR ♪
♪ JUST LIKE MOONLIGHT THROUGH
THE PINES ♪

♪ JUST LIKE MOONLIGHT THROUGH
THE PINES ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪

THE PINES ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ OTHER ARMS REACH OUT FOR ME ♪

♪ OOH, OOH, OOH ♪
♪ OTHER ARMS REACH OUT FOR ME ♪
♪ OTHER EYES, THEY SMILE

♪ OTHER ARMS REACH OUT FOR ME ♪
♪ OTHER EYES, THEY SMILE
TENDERLY ♪

♪ OTHER EYES, THEY SMILE
TENDERLY ♪
♪ STILL IN PEACEFUL DREAMS I

TENDERLY ♪
♪ STILL IN PEACEFUL DREAMS I
SEE ♪

♪ STILL IN PEACEFUL DREAMS I
SEE ♪
♪ THAT THE ROAD ♪

SEE ♪
♪ THAT THE ROAD ♪
♪ THE ROAD LEADS BACK TO YOU ♪

♪ THAT THE ROAD ♪
♪ THE ROAD LEADS BACK TO YOU ♪
♪ OH, HEY, GEORGIA ♪

♪ THE ROAD LEADS BACK TO YOU ♪
♪ OH, HEY, GEORGIA ♪
♪ OOH, GEORGIA ♪

♪ OH, HEY, GEORGIA ♪
♪ OOH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ NO PEACE, NO PEACE I FIND ♪

♪ OOH, GEORGIA ♪
♪ NO PEACE, NO PEACE I FIND ♪
♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET

♪ NO PEACE, NO PEACE I FIND ♪
♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET
SONG ♪

♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET
SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY

SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY
MIND ♪

♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY
MIND ♪
♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET

MIND ♪
♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET
SONG ♪

♪ THERE'S STILL THIS OLD SWEET
SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA ♪

SONG ♪
♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA ♪
♪ ON MY MIND ♪

♪ THAT KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA ♪
♪ ON MY MIND ♪
♪ KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY

♪ ON MY MIND ♪
♪ KEEPS YOU, GEORGIA, ON MY
MIND ♪

THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.
THANK YOU, BAND.
THANK YOU, FOLKS.

THANK YOU, BAND.
THANK YOU, FOLKS.
AND, UH, THANK YOU, GARRETT,

THANK YOU, FOLKS.
AND, UH, THANK YOU, GARRETT,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.

Announcer: NEXT SATURDAY

NIGHT, WATCH NBC's "WEEKEND"

WITH LLOYD DOBBINS.

WE'LL BE BACK WITH A BRAND-NEW

SHOW ON NOVEMBER 13th, TWO WEEKS

FROM TONIGHT.

THIS IS DON PARDO, REMINDING YOU

TO GET OUT AND VOTE AND ALSO TO

SET YOUR CLOCK BACK TONIGHT ONE

HOUR.

AFTER ALL, YOU CAN'T SET

TELEVISION BACK 90 MINUTES.

GOOD NIGHT.