Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 2, Episode 21 - Eric Idle/Neil Innes - full transcript

OKAY, YOU IRISH FILTH, TELL
ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
[Irish accent] YOU'LL GET

ME WHAT I WANT TO HEAR.
[Irish accent] YOU'LL GET
NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH

[Irish accent] YOU'LL GET
NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH
SWILL.

NOTHING FROM ME, YOU ENGLISH
SWILL.
BE REASONABLE, MATE.

SWILL.
BE REASONABLE, MATE.
JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE

BE REASONABLE, MATE.
JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE
QUESTIONS.

JUST ANSWER THOSE THREE
QUESTIONS.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE.

QUESTIONS.
I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG,

I'LL GIVE YOU A CIGARETTE.
I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG,
BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF

I'LL GIVE YOU SOME FOOD, A BIG,
BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF
LUCKY CHARMS.

BRIMMING BOWL FULL OF
LUCKY CHARMS.
WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?



LUCKY CHARMS.
WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME,

WOULDN'T THAT BE NICE?
YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME,
SLIMY LIME.

YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME,
SLIMY LIME.
THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU

SLIMY LIME.
THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU
UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM.

THAT'S "LIMEY SLIME," YOU
UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM.
VERY WELL.

UNEDUCATED HICK SCUM.
VERY WELL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT

VERY WELL.
I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.

I DIDN'T WANT TO DO THIS, BUT
YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL

YOU LEAVE ME NO CHOICE.
IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL
CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW

IN DIRECT VIOLATION OF ALL
CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW
GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES

CIVILIZED MORAL CODES, I AM NOW
GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES
TO YOUR POTATOES...

GOING TO ATTACH THESE ELECTRODES
TO YOUR POTATOES...
AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS

TO YOUR POTATOES...
AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS
FIELD GENERATOR.

AND THEN TURN THE CRANK ON THIS
FIELD GENERATOR.
NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER,



FIELD GENERATOR.
NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER,
START SINGING.

NOW, YOU IGNORANT BOG HOPPER,
START SINGING.
♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE

START SINGING.
♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE
SMILING ♪

♪ WHEN IRISH EYES ARE
SMILING ♪
♪ YOU'RE... ♪

SMILING ♪
♪ YOU'RE... ♪
♪ OHHHHHH ♪

♪ YOU'RE... ♪
♪ OHHHHHH ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪

♪ OHHHHHH ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪
♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU AND KEEP YOU ♪
♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪
I SEE THIS IS GETTING US

♪ MOTHER MACHREE ♪
I SEE THIS IS GETTING US
NOWHERE.

I SEE THIS IS GETTING US
NOWHERE.
YOU FORCE MY HAND.

NOWHERE.
YOU FORCE MY HAND.
UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO

YOU FORCE MY HAND.
UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO
THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA

UNLESS YOU TELL ME THE ANSWER TO
THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA
TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH

THESE THREE QUESTIONS, I'M GONNA
TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH
FRIES.

TURN YOUR POTATOES INTO FRENCH
FRIES.
YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS.

FRIES.
YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS.
10...

YOU'VE GOT 10 SECONDS.
10...
9...

10...
9...
8...

9...
8...
7...

8...
7...
6...

7...
6...
5...

6...
5...
4...

5...
4...
3...

4...
3...
2...

3...
2...
1.

2...
1.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

1.
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I'LL TELL YOU.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
I'LL TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT.

I'LL TELL YOU.
ALL RIGHT.
ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR

ALL RIGHT.
ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR
DIFFUSED?

ONE... IS THE BOMB LIVE OR
DIFFUSED?
TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED

DIFFUSED?
TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED
FROM?

TWO... WHAT CITY WAS IT MAILED
FROM?
AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO

FROM?
AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO
OFF?

AND THREE... WHEN WILL IT GO
OFF?
LIVE.

OFF?
LIVE.
FROM NEW YORK.

LIVE.
FROM NEW YORK.
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!

FROM NEW YORK.
IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[BAND PLAYS]

IT'S SATURDAY NIGHT!
[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: NBC's

[BAND PLAYS]
Announcer: NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT"...

Announcer: NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT"...
STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT"...
STARRING...
WITH SPECIAL GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN...
ERIC IDLE!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UH, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM
WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF

PLEASE GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM
WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF
ENGLAND.

WELCOME, PLEASE, TO THE QUEEN OF
ENGLAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

ENGLAND.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
["GOD SAVE THE QUEEN" PLAYING]

YOUR MAJESTY, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONCE IN A LIFETIME...
WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE

GENTLEMEN, ONCE IN A LIFETIME...
WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE
VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN

WELL, MAYBE TWICE, IF YOU'RE
VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN
A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE

VERY LUCKY... ONCE OR TWICE IN
A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE
TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE

A... WELL, EVEN POSSIBLY THREE
TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE
TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING.

TIMES IN A LIFETIME... BUT THREE
TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING.
YOU'D THINK, "WOW!

TIMES WOULD BE JUST SO AMAZING.
YOU'D THINK, "WOW!
THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!"

YOU'D THINK, "WOW!
THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!"
AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF

THREE TIMES IN A LIFETIME!"
AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF
THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER.

AND FOUR WOULD BE RIGHT OUT OF
THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER.
I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT

THE QUESTION... NEVER, NEVER.
I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT
OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY,

I MEAN, YOU COULDN'T RULE IT
OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY,
BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER

OUT, STATISTICALLY, OBVIOUSLY,
BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER
FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME,"

BUT YOU COULDN'T SAY, "NEVER
FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME,"
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY,

FOUR TIMES IN A LIFETIME,"
BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY,
STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A

BECAUSE OBVIOUSLY,
STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A
LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT

STATISTICALLY, FOUR TIMES IN A
LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT
POSSIBILITY.

LIFETIME IS A DISTINCT
POSSIBILITY.
BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR

POSSIBILITY.
BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR
FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN.

BUT ANYTHING ABOVE, SAY, FOUR OR
FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN.
20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO,

FIVE TIMES... START AGAIN.
20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO,
YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE

20 TIMES IN A LIFETIME OR SO,
YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE
FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN

YOU ARE PRESENT ENOUGH TO BE
FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN
SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO

FORTUNATE TO BE PRESENT IN
SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO
MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL

SOMETHING SO SPLENDID, SO
MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL
REALLY PROUD.

MAJESTIC, SO WORTHWHILE YOU FEEL
REALLY PROUD.
AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE

REALLY PROUD.
AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE
OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY

AND TONIGHT ISN'T ONE OF THOSE
OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY
THRILLED TO WELCOME TO

OCCASIONS, BUT WE ARE PRETTY
THRILLED TO WELCOME TO
"SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY,

THRILLED TO WELCOME TO
"SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY,
THE QUEEN.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" HER MAJESTY,
THE QUEEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE QUEEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL
QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME A REAL
QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH
THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE

QUEEN HAS BEEN ON THE SHOW, WITH
THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE
MUSICIANS.

THE EXCEPTION OF SOME OF THE
MUSICIANS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE

MUSICIANS.
YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE
ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE

YOU KNOW, THERE'S ONE THING WE
ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE
ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND

ENGLISH HAVE ALWAYS LOVED ABOVE
ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND
THAT IS YOUR MONEY.

ALL ABOUT YOU AMERICANS, AND
THAT IS YOUR MONEY.
WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY.

THAT IS YOUR MONEY.
WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

WE HAVE 1,000 YEARS HISTORY.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE
POETRY, THE TRADITIONS.

WE HAVE THE LITERATURE, THE
POETRY, THE TRADITIONS.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

POETRY, THE TRADITIONS.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE
PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE

WE HAVE THE BUILDINGS, THE
PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE
PALACES.

PAINTINGS, THE GARDENS, THE
PALACES.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.

PALACES.
YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE

YOU HAVE THE MONEY.
AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE
TONIGHT.

AND THAT'S WHY WE'RE HERE
TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO HOLD A TELETHON

TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOING TO HOLD A TELETHON
FOR ENGLAND.

IF YOU WISH TO PLEDGE MONEY FOR

ENGLAND, THAT ANCIENT CHARITY,

HERE IS THE NUMBER TO REACH...

555-1066.

INCIDENTALLY, THE ENGLISH
LANGUAGE WAS, IN FACT, INVENTED
IN ENGLAND.

LANGUAGE WAS, IN FACT, INVENTED
IN ENGLAND.
THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO

IN ENGLAND.
THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO
YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M

THESE VERY WORDS I'M SAYING TO
YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M
SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE

YOU NOW... "THESE VERY WORDS I'M
SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE
ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP

SAYING TO YOU NOW"... THESE ARE
ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP
IN ENGLAND FOR YOU.

ALL EXAMPLES OF WORDS WE MADE UP
IN ENGLAND FOR YOU.
OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE

IN ENGLAND FOR YOU.
OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE
MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD

OF COURSE, A LOT OF THEM WERE
MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD
NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD

MADE UP BY PEOPLE WHO ARE DEAD
NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD
WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING

NOW, BUT THEY'RE STILL GOOD
WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING
THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME

WORDS, AND YOU'VE BEEN USING
THEM FOR A VERY LONG TIME
WITHOUT PAYING ANY ROYALTIES.

SO WE NEED YOUR MONEY.

PLEASE CALL UP 555-1066.

ONE OR TWO APOLOGIES... THE

BEATLES COULDN'T BE HERE, BUT WE

DO HAVE ONE OF THE RUTLES.

AND CLIVE DAVIS HAS PLEDGED $20
IF WE MENTION HIS NAME.
THANK YOU, CLIVE.

IF WE MENTION HIS NAME.
THANK YOU, CLIVE.
WE'LL TAKE THAT.

THANK YOU, CLIVE.
WE'LL TAKE THAT.
COULD WE SEE THAT?

WE'LL TAKE THAT.
COULD WE SEE THAT?
THERE WE GO. RIGHT.

COULD WE SEE THAT?
THERE WE GO. RIGHT.
[FANFARE PLAYING]

THERE WE GO. RIGHT.
[FANFARE PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[FANFARE PLAYING]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF
MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL

WELL, THERE'S THE FIRST BIT OF
MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL
ROLLING.

MONEY THAT STARTS THE BALL
ROLLING.
WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL

ROLLING.
WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL
FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON.

WE SHALL HAVE SEVERAL
FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON.
AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A

FUND-RAISING EVENTS LATER ON.
AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A
SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE

AT ABOUT 11:50, THERE WILL BE A
SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE
WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO

SMELL-ALIKE COMPETITION, WHERE
WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO
SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER

WE SHALL INTRODUCE PEOPLE WHO
SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER
FAMOUS PEOPLE...

SMELL REMARKABLY LIKE OTHER
FAMOUS PEOPLE...
BARBRA STREISAND, JOHNNY CARSON,

FAMOUS PEOPLE...
BARBRA STREISAND, JOHNNY CARSON,
AND SO ON.

IF YOU FEEL THAT YOU OR YOUR

FRIENDS SMELL LIKE ANYONE

FAMOUS... SAY, TRUMAN CAPOTE OR

NELSON ROCKEFELLER... HERE'S THE

NUMBER TO RING INTO... 555-1066.

AND THROUGHOUT THE EVENING,

THERE IS A "KICK A CANADIAN"

COMPETITION, WHERE VOLUNTEERS

FROM CANADA, IN NATIONAL DRESS,

HAVE AGREED TO BE KICKED FOR

CHARITY.

AND I'M GOING TO ASK HER MAJESTY
RIGHT NOW IF SHE WILL FORMALLY
OPEN THIS EVENT.

RIGHT NOW IF SHE WILL FORMALLY
OPEN THIS EVENT.
COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN,

OPEN THIS EVENT.
COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN,
PLEASE?

COULD WE HAVE THE CANADIAN,
PLEASE?
THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN

PLEASE?
THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN
FROM TORONTO.

THIS IS CONSTABLE RONALD QUINN
FROM TORONTO.
YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU

FROM TORONTO.
YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU
INAUGURATE THIS EVENT, PLEASE?

YOUR MAJESTY, WOULD YOU
INAUGURATE THIS EVENT, PLEASE?
[GROANS]

MEMBERS OF THE AUDIENCE WHO
WISH TO KICK THE CANADIAN FOR
$1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME

WISH TO KICK THE CANADIAN FOR
$1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME
FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS.

$1, FALL IN AND PLEASE COME
FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS.
ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING

FORWARD DURING THE BREAKS.
ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING
IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK

ALSO, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING
IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

IN, AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

EVERY TIME YOU BUY POT FROM
MEXICO OR COLUMBIA, YOU'RE
PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK.

MEXICO OR COLUMBIA, YOU'RE
PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK.
WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS

PUTTING AN AMERICAN OUT OF WORK.
WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS
UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY

WE OF THE AMERICAN DOPE GROWERS
UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY
GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN

UNION SUPPORT OURSELVES BY
GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN
SOIL.

GROWING MARIJUANA IN AMERICAN
SOIL.
WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON

SOIL.
WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON
OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE

WE'VE HAD A PRETTY HARD TIME ON
OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE
CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY

OUR OWN, BUT WITH THE UNION, WE
CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY
OFF WELFARE.

CAN LIVE DECENT LIVES AND STAY
OFF WELFARE.
THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT

OFF WELFARE.
THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT
OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR.

THAT'S MY UNION, AND THAT'S WHAT
OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR.
♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪

OUR UNION LABEL STANDS FOR.
♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪
All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING

♪ SO LOOK FOR THE UNION LABEL ♪
All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING
THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪

All: ♪ WHEN YOU ARE BUYING
THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪
♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S

THAT JOINT, LID, OR POUND ♪
♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S
GROWING ♪

♪ REMEMBER SOMEWHERE OUR UNION'S
GROWING ♪
♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪

GROWING ♪
♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪
♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪

♪ DOPE TO BE SMOKING ♪
♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪

♪ AT THE BEST PRICE AROUND ♪
♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪
♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪

♪ YOU KNOW WE WORK HARD ♪
♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪
♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH

♪ BUT WHO'S COMPLAINING ♪
♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH
AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪

♪ WHEN WE AT A.D.G. STAY HIGH
AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪
♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION

AND EARN OUR WAY? ♪
♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION
LABEL ♪

♪ SO ALWAYS LOOK FOR THE UNION
LABEL ♪
♪ IT SAYS WE GIVE FOR THE U.S.

♪ IT SAYS WE GIVE FOR THE U.S.
OF "A" ♪

Announcer: THIS MESSAGE

BROUGHT TO YOU BY THE AMERICAN

DOPE GROWERS UNION.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

HELLO.
HELLO. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU,

HELLO. GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU,
SUPER.

THRICE WELCOME, THANK YOU,
SUPER.
BLESS YOU.

SUPER.
BLESS YOU.
WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT,

BLESS YOU.
WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT,
MARVELOUS, SPLENDID.

WONDERFUL, TERRIFIC, GREAT,
MARVELOUS, SPLENDID.
CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM.

MARVELOUS, SPLENDID.
CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

CALL AGAIN. MM-HMM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HAVE A NICE DAY.

YOU'RE WELCOME.
HAVE A NICE DAY.
THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND

HAVE A NICE DAY.
THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND
WELCOME.

THANK YOU, GOOD EVENING, AND
WELCOME.
TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST

WELCOME.
TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST
TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION

TONIGHT IS INDEED A MOST
TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION
FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION.

TREMENDOUS AND UNUSUAL OCCASION
FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION.
I'M BACK ON IT.

FOR AMERICAN TELEVISION.
I'M BACK ON IT.
AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST

I'M BACK ON IT.
AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST
WELCOME.

AND THAT IN ITSELF IS MOST
WELCOME.
HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU.

WELCOME.
HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU.
CALL AGAIN.

HELLO, GOOD EVENING, THANK YOU.
CALL AGAIN.
SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM.

CALL AGAIN.
SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.

SUPER TO SEE YOU, MM-HMM.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE...

YOU'RE WELCOME.
HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE...
TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER

HAVE A NICE DAY. GOOD EVE...
TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER
PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW

TONIGHT MY GUEST IS A FORMER
PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW
COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS

PRESIDENT OF YOUR COUNTRY, NOW
COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY

COMPLETELY PARDONED BY HIS
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY
CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT FOR ANY
CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED
WHILE IN OFFICE.

CRIMES HE MIGHT HAVE COMMITTED
WHILE IN OFFICE.
I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM

WHILE IN OFFICE.
I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM
TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY

I SHALL BE TALKING TO HIM
TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY
UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS

TONIGHT FOR 20 HOURS, COMPLETELY
UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS
WE'LL CUT OUT.

UNCENSORED, EXCEPT FOR THE BITS
WE'LL CUT OUT.
SUPER.

WE'LL CUT OUT.
SUPER.
SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH

SUPER.
SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH
TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT

SO LET'S GET RIGHT ON WITH
TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT
FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED

TONIGHT'S GUEST, A MAN WHO WENT
FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED
CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK

FROM A LITTLE DOG CALLED
CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK
CALLED PLUMBERS.

CHECKERS TO A LITTLE CHECK
CALLED PLUMBERS.
[LAUGHS] TERRIFIC.

CALLED PLUMBERS.
[LAUGHS] TERRIFIC.
WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER

[LAUGHS] TERRIFIC.
WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER
PRESIDENT MR.

WILL YOU WELCOME PLEASE FORMER
PRESIDENT MR.
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON?

PRESIDENT MR.
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[ORCHESTRAL MUSIC PLAYING]

SUPER. GOOD EVENING. SUPER.
MOST WELCOME. WONDERFUL.
GOOD EVENING, DAVID.

MOST WELCOME. WONDERFUL.
GOOD EVENING, DAVID.
SUPER.

GOOD EVENING, DAVID.
SUPER.
SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT,

SUPER.
SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT,
EX-PRESIDENT.

SO GLAD YOU COULD MAKE IT,
EX-PRESIDENT.
WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE

EX-PRESIDENT.
WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE
HERE, JOHNNY.

WELL, IT'S REALLY NICE TO BE
HERE, JOHNNY.
SUPER. TERRIFIC.

HERE, JOHNNY.
SUPER. TERRIFIC.
MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN

SUPER. TERRIFIC.
MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN
THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN

MAY I... MAY I PERHAPS BEGIN
THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN
YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU

THESE 20 HOURS OF TALKS BETWEEN
YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU
ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?

YOU AND ME FIRST BY ASKING YOU
ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY

ABOUT YOUR CHILDHOOD?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY
STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?

DO YOU HAVE ANY PARTICULARLY
STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?
WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE

STRONG CHILDHOOD MEMORIES?
WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE
SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT

WELL, OF COURSE, I DO HAVE
SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT
COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN.

SOME CHILDHOOD MEMORIES THAT
COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN.
I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR

COME BACK TO ME NOW AND AGAIN.
I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR
MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921.

I REMEMBERER ONE PARTICULAR
MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921.
I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE

MORNING IN APRIL OF 1921.
I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE
KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS

I REMEMBER COMING DOWN TO THE
KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS
PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE

KITCHEN, WHERE MY MOTHER WAS
PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE
CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D

PREPARING THE MEAL THAT WE
CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D
POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL.

CALLED BREAKFAST AND HOW SHE'D
POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL.
AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP

POUR DRY CEREAL INTO A BOWL.
AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP
OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES

AND THEN WE'D POUR MILK ON TOP
OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES
SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE

OF THE CEREAL, AND SOMETIMES
SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE
WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT.

SUGAR, DEPENDING UPON WHETHER WE
WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT.
AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE

WANTED IT SWEET OR NOT.
AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE
WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL

AND, UH, THEN WE'D STIR THE
WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL
WITH OUR SPOONS.

WHOLE THING AROUND IN THE BOWL
WITH OUR SPOONS.
SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING.

WITH OUR SPOONS.
SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND

SUPER. M-MOST INTERESTING.
LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND
QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE?

LET'S GET ON WITH THE SECOND
QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE?
I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY

QUESTION NOW, SHALL WE?
I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY
MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE

I CAN REMEMBER VERY CLEARLY
MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE
MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE.

MY FATHER COMING DOWN IN THE
MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE.
HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE.

MORNING, AND HE USED TO SHAVE.
HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE.
NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE

HE'D SHAVE HIS FACE.
NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE
BATHROOM.

NOW, HE WOULD SHAVE IN THE
BATHROOM.
THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE

BATHROOM.
THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE
BATHROOM, OF COURSE.

THIS WAS WHERE WE WENT TO THE
BATHROOM, OF COURSE.
AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD

BATHROOM, OF COURSE.
AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD
WATER IN THE SINK.

AND HE'D RUN HOT WATER AND COLD
WATER IN THE SINK.
NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER,

WATER IN THE SINK.
NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER,
AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL

NOW, HE'D SHAVE WITH HOT WATER,
AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL
BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS

AND YOU COULD ALWAYS TELL
BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS
ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET,

BECAUSE THERE WERE TWO SPIGOTS
ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET,
AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED

ON EITHER SIDE OF THE FAUCET,
AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED
IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME

AND THE RIGHT ONE... YOU TURNED
IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME
OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE

IT ON, AND COLD WATER WOULD COME
OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE
LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD

OUT, AND THEN YOU'D TURN THE
LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD
COME OUT.

LEFT ONE, AND HOT WATER WOULD
COME OUT.
AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING

COME OUT.
AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING
THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT

AND I CAN REMEMBER HIM ADJUSTING
THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT
WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE

THE LEFT ONE TO GET MORE HOT
WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE
TWO SPIGOTS TO...

WATER BECAUSE YOU COULD USE THE
TWO SPIGOTS TO...
SUPER.

TWO SPIGOTS TO...
SUPER.
CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND

SUPER.
CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND
QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR.

CAN I COME ON NOW TO A SECOND
QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR.
NIXON?

QUESTION, IF I MAY, PLEASE, MR.
NIXON?
NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD

NIXON?
NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD
RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO

NOW, THE THING WAS, YOU COULD
RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO
SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD

RUN YOUR HAND UNDER THE WATER TO
SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD
IT WAS.

SEE JUST EXACTLY HOW HOT OR COLD
IT WAS.
NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A

IT WAS.
NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A
LITTLE, ROUND...

NOW, I REMEMBER MY FATHER HAD A
LITTLE, ROUND...
WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT

LITTLE, ROUND...
WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT
IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME

WELL, WHILE THE EX-PRESIDENT
IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME
JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE

IS TALKING AND SO ON, LET ME
JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE
ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS,

JUST REMIND YOU THERE WILL BE
ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS,
WHICH WILL BE REALLY

ANOTHER 19 HOURS OF THESE TALKS,
WHICH WILL BE REALLY
FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER

WHICH WILL BE REALLY
FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT

FASCINATING, IN WHICH THE FORMER
PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT
GREAT LENGTH.

PRESIDENT WILL BE TALKING AT
GREAT LENGTH.
NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK,

GREAT LENGTH.
NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK,
HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG,

NOW, THIS WAS A SMALL DISK,
HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG,
AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE

HE USED TO CALL IT A DRAIN PLUG,
AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE
LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM

AND IT WOULD GO RIGHT IN THE
LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE SINK.

LITTLE HOLE THERE IN THE BOTTOM
OF THE SINK.
SUPER. YES.

OF THE SINK.
SUPER. YES.
NOW, ANOTHER THING I

SUPER. YES.
NOW, ANOTHER THING I
REMEMBER...

NOW, ANOTHER THING I
REMEMBER...
WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL

REMEMBER...
WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL
PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST

WELL, IT SEEMS THERE'S STILL
PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST
COMMERCIAL BREAK.

PLENTY OF TIME BEFORE THE FIRST
COMMERCIAL BREAK.
STOP THE TAPE.

COMMERCIAL BREAK.
STOP THE TAPE.
STOP THE TAPE.

STOP THE TAPE.
STOP THE TAPE.
OH, JULIE.

STOP THE TAPE.
OH, JULIE.
WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A

OH, JULIE.
WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A
BIG, WARM WELCOME...

WILL YOU WELCOME, PLEASE... A
BIG, WARM WELCOME...
JULIE NIXON.

BIG, WARM WELCOME...
JULIE NIXON.
SUPER TO SEE YOU.

JULIE NIXON.
SUPER TO SEE YOU.
COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE

SUPER TO SEE YOU.
COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE
TAPE?

COULD YOU PLEASE STOP THE
TAPE?
DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY.

TAPE?
DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY.
HELLO, PRINCESS.

DADDY'S COMING OFF BADLY.
HELLO, PRINCESS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.

HELLO, PRINCESS.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S MOST INTERESTING.

IT'S WONDERFUL.
IT'S MOST INTERESTING.
NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE.

IT'S MOST INTERESTING.
NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE.
WE HAVE A CONTRACT.

NO, JUST STOP THE TAPE.
WE HAVE A CONTRACT.
OKAY. FINE, FINE.

WE HAVE A CONTRACT.
OKAY. FINE, FINE.
YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE

OKAY. FINE, FINE.
YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE
TAPE.

YES, ALL RIGHT, WE'LL STOP THE
TAPE.
DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE,

TAPE.
DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE,
PLEASE?

DAVEY, WILL YOU STOP THE TAPE,
PLEASE?
YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES.

PLEASE?
YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES.
IS IT FOR SURE?

YES, THE TAPE'S STOPPED, YES.
IS IT FOR SURE?
RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS

IS IT FOR SURE?
RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS
PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR

RIGHT, AND YOU WON'T HAVE THIS
PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR
ANYTHING?

PART IN, WHERE I CAME IN OR
ANYTHING?
OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL

ANYTHING?
OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL
BE CUT OUT.

OH, NO PROBLEM, THIS WILL ALL
BE CUT OUT.
YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION

BE CUT OUT.
YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION
ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL

YOU HAVE MY WORD AS A TELEVISION
ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL
NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION

ENTERTAINER THAT THIS BIT WILL
NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION
SCREENS OF AMERICA.

NOT APPEAR ON THE TELEVISION
SCREENS OF AMERICA.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.

SCREENS OF AMERICA.
ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

ALL RIGHT. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU.
MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY.

CALL AGAIN. THANK YOU.
MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY.
OKAY. GO ON.

MM-HMM. HAVE A NICE DAY.
OKAY. GO ON.
OKAY, PRINCESS.

OKAY. GO ON.
OKAY, PRINCESS.
WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT,

OKAY, PRINCESS.
WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT,
WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND

WELL, FORMER PRESIDENT,
WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND
WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR

WHILST WE'VE CUT THE TAPE AND
WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR
RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST

WE'RE NOT ON TELEVISION OR
RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR

RECORDING OR ANYTHING... JUST
BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR
PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO

BETWEEN YOU AND ME, JUST FOR
PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO
TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER...

PERSONAL INTEREST, AS WE HAVE TO
TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER...
DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN

TALK FOR 20 HOURS TOGETHER...
DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN
FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE?

DID YOU, IN FACT... WERE YOU, IN
FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE?
WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY

FACT, BEHIND THE WATERGATE?
WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND

WELL, JOHNNY, TO BE PERFECTLY
HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND
I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE

HONEST AND FRANK WITH YOU... AND
I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE
MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND

I'M MOST GRATEFUL FOR THE
MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND
ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I

MONEY... JUST BETWEEN YOU AND
ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I
GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR

ME, MAN TO MAN, AS IT WERE, I
GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR
AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I

GUESS I CAN TELL YOU THAT AS FAR
AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I
WAS COMPLETELY...

AS THE WATERGATE IS CONCERNED, I
WAS COMPLETELY...
[LOUD BEEPING]

UH, HELLO.

UNFORTUNATELY, THERE SEEMS TO

HAVE BEEN SOME KIND OF

MYSTERIOUS INTERFERENCE WITH THE

TAPE THERE.

WE SEEM TO HAVE GOT AN 18-MINUTE

GAP.

[CHUCKLES] SUPER.

SO WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO RIGHT NOW

IS PUT ON AN EXCERPT FROM ONE OF

THE LATER SHOWS OF THE 20 HOURS

OF HISTORIC TALKS, AND THIS ONE

IS REALLY MOST EXCITING.

SO LET'S JUST PUT THAT ON FOR

YOU RIGHT AWAY.

[CHUCKLES] SUPER.

NOW, I CAN REMEMBER ONE
MORNING OF 1921, IN PARTICULAR,
BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK

MORNING OF 1921, IN PARTICULAR,
BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK
BREAKFAST.

BECAUSE MY MOTHER WOULD COOK
BREAKFAST.
NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF

BREAKFAST.
NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF
CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK,

NOW, THIS CONSISTED OF A BOWL OF
CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK,
DEPENDING ON WHETHER...

CEREAL AND SOME SUGAR AND MILK,
DEPENDING ON WHETHER...
WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN

DEPENDING ON WHETHER...
WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN
THE 18th HOUR OF THESE

WELL, YOU'RE JOINING US IN
THE 18th HOUR OF THESE
EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK

THE 18th HOUR OF THESE
EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK
TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF...

EXCITINGLY INTIMATE AND FRANK
TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF...
DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER

TALKS BETWEEN MYSELF...
DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON.

DAVID FROST... AND THE FORMER
RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON.
WHEN THE MEAL...

RICHARD MILHOUS NIXON.
WHEN THE MEAL...
SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF

WHEN THE MEAL...
SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF
BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL

SO FAR WE'VE COVERED MOST OF
BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL
BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF

BREAKFAST, APRIL 1921, AND WE'LL
BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF
MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT

BE HOPING TO COVER THE REST OF
MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT
FEW MINUTES.

MR. NIXON'S CAREER IN THE NEXT
FEW MINUTES.
BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS

FEW MINUTES.
BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS
GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US.

BUT BEFORE WE DO, PAT HERE HAS
GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US.
PAT?

GOT SOMETHING TO SHOW US.
PAT?
SUPPER INSTEAD OF

PAT?
SUPPER INSTEAD OF
DINNER...

SUPPER INSTEAD OF
DINNER...
PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE.

DINNER...
PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE.
STOP IT, BABY.

PAT, WAKE UP, PLEASE.
STOP IT, BABY.
NO, PAT, IT'S ME.

STOP IT, BABY.
NO, PAT, IT'S ME.
IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST

NO, PAT, IT'S ME.
IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST
FROM ENGLAND.

IT'S ME... DAVID, DAVID FROST
FROM ENGLAND.
OH, YES, DAVID.

FROM ENGLAND.
OH, YES, DAVID.
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING

OH, YES, DAVID.
WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I

WELL, I HAVE SOMETHING
INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I
THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO

INTERESTING TO SHOW YOU, WHICH I
THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO
SEE.

THINK YOUR VIEWERS WOULD LIKE TO
SEE.
SUPER. SUPER.

SEE.
SUPER. SUPER.
WHAT IS IT?

SUPER. SUPER.
WHAT IS IT?
WAS NOW ORANGES...

WHAT IS IT?
WAS NOW ORANGES...
CHECKERS.

WAS NOW ORANGES...
CHECKERS.
CHECKERS. SUPER.

CHECKERS.
CHECKERS. SUPER.
HOW WONDERFUL.

CHECKERS. SUPER.
HOW WONDERFUL.
YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON,

HOW WONDERFUL.
YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON,
RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED.

YES, WHEN HE PASSED ON,
RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED.
AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S

RICHARD HAD HIM STUFFED.
AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S
ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM...

AND WHEN RICHARD PASSES ON, HE'S
ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM...
STUFFED?

ASKED ME IF I WOULD HAVE HIM...
STUFFED?
NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS.

STUFFED?
NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS.
OH, SUPER, YES.

NO, BURIED NEXT TO CHECKERS.
OH, SUPER, YES.
THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS?

OH, SUPER, YES.
THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS?
OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG.

THIS IS ACTUALLY CHECKERS?
OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG.
A LITTLE DOG CALLED

OH, YES. HE'S A GOOD DOG.
A LITTLE DOG CALLED
CHECKERS.

A LITTLE DOG CALLED
CHECKERS.
NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED

CHECKERS.
NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED
FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER

NOW, THIS IS ALL WE RECEIVED
FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER
SPANIEL.

FROM TEXAS... A LITTLE COCKER
SPANIEL.
NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA...

SPANIEL.
NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA...
CALLED IT CHECKERS.

NOW, OUR YOUNG ONE... TRICIA...
CALLED IT CHECKERS.
THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE

CALLED IT CHECKERS.
THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE
SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY

THE $18,000... I DON'T THINK THE
SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY
THAT COMES TO HIM.

SENATOR SHOULD SPEND THE MONEY
THAT COMES TO HIM.
PERSONALLY...

THAT COMES TO HIM.
PERSONALLY...
MR. NIXON...

PERSONALLY...
MR. NIXON...
GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND

MR. NIXON...
GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND
PRAY, HENRY, PRAY!

GET DOWN ON YOUR KNEES AND
PRAY, HENRY, PRAY!
YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY.

PRAY, HENRY, PRAY!
YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY.
ME?

YOU LEAD THE PRAYER, HENRY.
ME?
AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T

ME?
AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T
WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK

AL... ALMIGHTY... LOOK, WHY DON'T
WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK
RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL

WE JUST HAVE A LITTLE BREAK
RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT THIS.

RIGHT HERE, RICHARD, AND WE'LL
TALK ABOUT THIS.
WE CAN EDIT THIS.

TALK ABOUT THIS.
WE CAN EDIT THIS.
DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT.

WE CAN EDIT THIS.
DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT.
I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN

DAVEY, THIS IS AN EDIT POINT.
I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN
WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE

I'LL JUST DO THE WIND-UP, THEN
WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE
CREDITS, ALL RIGHT?

WE CAN COME BACK WITH THE
CREDITS, ALL RIGHT?
WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER.

CREDITS, ALL RIGHT?
WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47

WE'LL EDIT THIS LATER.
YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47
OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW.

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING NUMBER 47
OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW.
WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH

OF THE FROST/NIXON INTERVIEW.
WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH
ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE

WE'LL BE BACK NEXT WEEK WITH
ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE
SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH

ANOTHER HOUR AND A HALF, WHEN WE
SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH
EVENTS AFTER LUNCH, APRIL 1921.

SHOULD BE HOPING TO DEAL WITH
EVENTS AFTER LUNCH, APRIL 1921.
UNTIL THEN, IT'S "BYE" FROM US.

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

THE HOPE OF OUR NATION...
OH, UH, WELL, WELCOME BACK TO
OUR TELETHON.

OH, UH, WELL, WELCOME BACK TO
OUR TELETHON.
LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT

OUR TELETHON.
LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT
AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE

LET'S GO AND HAVE A LOOK RIGHT
AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE
DOING.

AT THE BOARD, SEE HOW WE'RE
DOING.
STILL JUST THE $20.

DOING.
STILL JUST THE $20.
RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES

STILL JUST THE $20.
RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES
COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST

RIGHT, WELL, KEEP THOSE PLEDGES
COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST
YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH

COMING IN, PLEASE, AND WHILST
YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH
PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU.

YOU DO, HERE IS AN ENGLISH
PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU.
WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM

PERSON TO PLAY FOR YOU.
WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM
WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY

WILL YOU GIVE A VERY BIG, WARM
WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY
FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE?

WELCOME, PLEASE... ALL THE WAY
FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FROM ENGLAND... TO ALAN PRICE?
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE"
PLAYING]

[ALAN PRICE'S "POOR PEOPLE"
PLAYING]
♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR

[PLAYING]
♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR
PEOPLE ♪

♪ POOR PEOPLE ARE POOR
PEOPLE ♪
♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪

PEOPLE ♪
♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER

♪ AND THEY DON'T UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER
HE WANTS ♪

♪ A MAN'S GOT TO MAKE WHATEVER
HE WANTS ♪
♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN

HE WANTS ♪
♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN
HANDS ♪

♪ AND TAKE IT WITH HIS OWN
HANDS ♪
♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR

HANDS ♪
♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR
PEOPLE ♪

♪ POOR PEOPLE STAY POOR
PEOPLE ♪
♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪

PEOPLE ♪
♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪
♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN

♪ AND THEY NEVER GET TO SEE ♪
♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN
THE HUMAN RACE ♪

♪ THAT SOMEONE'S GOT TO WIN IN
THE HUMAN RACE ♪
♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS

THE HUMAN RACE ♪
♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS
TO BE ME ♪

♪ IF IT ISN'T YOU, THEN IT HAS
TO BE ME ♪
♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING

TO BE ME ♪
♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING
IT ♪

♪ SO SMILE WHILE YOU'RE MAKING
IT ♪
♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪

IT ♪
♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪

♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE TAKIN IT ♪
♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ EVEN THOUGH YOU'RE FAKIN IT ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪
♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪

♪ IT'S NO USE MUMBLING ♪
♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪
♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪

♪ IT'S NO USE GRUMBLING ♪
♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪
♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪

♪ LIFE JUST ISN'T FAIR ♪
♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪
♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪

♪ THERE'S NO EASY WAYS ♪
♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪
♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪

♪ THERE'S NO EASY DAYS ♪
♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪
♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR

♪ JUST GET OUT THERE AND DO IT ♪
♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR
SONG ♪

♪ AND SING AND THEY'LL SING YOUR
SONG ♪
♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING

SONG ♪
♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING
ON ♪

♪ LAUGH WHILE YOU'RE GETTING
ON ♪
♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING

ON ♪
♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING
ALONG ♪

♪ SMILE AND THEY'LL STRING
ALONG ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

ALONG ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ AND NOBODY'S GONNA KNOW ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪
♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪

♪ MMM MMM MM-MMM MM-MMM ♪
♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ HMM HMM HMM ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOT MANY PEOPLE REALIZE THAT
BODY LANGUAGE IS AS IMPORTANT TO
US AS SPEECH.

BODY LANGUAGE IS AS IMPORTANT TO
US AS SPEECH.
UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT

US AS SPEECH.
UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT
PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY

UNCONSCIOUSLY, WE READ WHAT
PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY
THEIR BODY LANGUAGE.

PEOPLE ARE REALLY SAYING BY
THEIR BODY LANGUAGE.
FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY

THEIR BODY LANGUAGE.
FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY
THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM

FOR EXAMPLE, LOOK AT THE WAY
THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM
UNHAPPY.

THIS MAN'S BODY SAYS, "I AM
UNHAPPY.
I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND

UNHAPPY.
I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND
LONELY."

I AM MISERABLE AND TENSE AND
LONELY."
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN

LONELY."
NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG.

NOW LET'S SEE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN
A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG.
THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS

A PRETTY GIRL COMES ALONG.
THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS
THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING

THE GIRL'S BODY LANGUAGE SAYS
THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING
THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING

THAT SHE'S NOT DOING ANYTHING
THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING
TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER

THAT EVENING APART FROM WATCHING
TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER
HAIR.

TELEVISION AND MAYBE WASHING HER
HAIR.
THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS

HAIR.
THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS
INTERESTED...

THE MAN FIRST SIGNALS THAT HE IS
INTERESTED...
AND THEN VERY INTERESTED.

INTERESTED...
AND THEN VERY INTERESTED.
THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO,

AND THEN VERY INTERESTED.
THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO,
IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL

THE WOMAN SIGNALS THAT SHE, TOO,
IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL
APPOINTMENT.

IS INTERESTED, BUT HAS A DENTAL
APPOINTMENT.
THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES

APPOINTMENT.
THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES
NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED.

THE MAN, HOWEVER, BECOMES
NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED.
AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS

NERVOUS AND EMBARRASSED.
AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS
REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE

AND, ALAS, THE FEMALE FEELS
REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE
AND UNHAPPY.

REJECTED AND GOES AWAY MISERABLE
AND UNHAPPY.
THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE

AND UNHAPPY.
THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE
BATHROOM.

THIS MAN WANTS TO VISIT THE
BATHROOM.
SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS.

BATHROOM.
SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS.
THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE

SEE HOW HIS BODY TELLS US THIS.
THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE
BETTER INSURED.

THIS MAN WISHES THAT HE WERE
BETTER INSURED.
SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR

BETTER INSURED.
SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR
A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO

SEE WHAT A SIMPLE PREY HE IS FOR
A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO
CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE.

A CLEVER INSURANCE SALESMAN WHO
CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE.
A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND

CAN READ BODY LANGUAGE.
A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND
THE DEAL IS DONE.

A QUICK PIECE OF BUSINESS, AND
THE DEAL IS DONE.
HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH

THE DEAL IS DONE.
HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH
COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND.

HE CAN NOW CROSS THE ROAD WITH
COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND.
[TIRES SCREECHING]

COMPLETE PEACE OF MIND.
[TIRES SCREECHING]
[THUD!]

[TIRES SCREECHING]
[THUD!]
THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER.

[THUD!]
THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER.
SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS

THIS MAN IS A FOREIGNER.
SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS
DIFFERENT.

SEE HOW HIS BODY LANGUAGE IS
DIFFERENT.
HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A

DIFFERENT.
HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A
RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY

HE IS ASKING THE WAY TO A
RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY
DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM...

RESTAURANT, BUT THE PASSERBY
DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM...
[GUNSHOT]

DOES NOT UNDERSTAND HIM...
[GUNSHOT]
AND SHOOTS HIM.

[GUNSHOT]
AND SHOOTS HIM.
HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON

AND SHOOTS HIM.
HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON
EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE.

HERE ARE SOME MORE COMMON
EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE.
"I AM DRUNK."

EXAMPLES OF BODY LANGUAGE.
"I AM DRUNK."
"I AM STONED."

"I AM DRUNK."
"I AM STONED."
"I AM A KLUTZ."

"I AM STONED."
"I AM A KLUTZ."
"I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE."

"I AM A KLUTZ."
"I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE."
"I AM AVAILABLE FOR

"I HAVE TERRIBLE ACNE."
"I AM AVAILABLE FOR
SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY

"I AM AVAILABLE FOR
SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY
AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE

SOPHISTICATED SEXUAL ACTIVITY
AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE
DETERMINED BY MUTUAL,

AT A REASONABLE RATE, TO BE
DETERMINED BY MUTUAL,
FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET

DETERMINED BY MUTUAL,
FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET
BARGAINING."

FREE-EXCHANGE, OPEN-MARKET
BARGAINING."
"I AM A LOONY."

BARGAINING."
"I AM A LOONY."
"I AM DEAD."

"I AM A LOONY."
"I AM DEAD."
BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE

"I AM DEAD."
BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE
COULD ALL READ IT, THE WORLD

BODY LANGUAGE... MAYBE IF WE
COULD ALL READ IT, THE WORLD
WOULD BE A BETTER PLACE.

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
JANE CURTIN.
BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS,

JANE CURTIN.
BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS,
I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE

BEFORE WE GET TO THE NEWS,
I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE
COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE

I'D LIKE TO MENTION THAT THE
COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE
AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE

COVETED PULITZER PRIZES WERE
AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE
PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST

AWARDED THIS WEEK, AND THE
PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST
JOURNALISM WAS WON BY...

PULITZER PRIZE IN BROADCAST
JOURNALISM WAS WON BY...
GUESS WHO... OUR OWN

JOURNALISM WAS WON BY...
GUESS WHO... OUR OWN
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

GUESS WHO... OUR OWN
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR

"WEEKEND UPDATE."
THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR
ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND

THE AWARD IS FOR SUPERIOR
ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND
ACCURACY IN REPORTING.

ACHIEVEMENT, RESPONSIBILITY, AND
ACCURACY IN REPORTING.
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR

ACCURACY IN REPORTING.
I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR
THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO

I'D LIKE TO THANK THE JUDGES FOR
THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO
LIVE UP TO IT.

THIS HONOR, AND WE'LL TRY TO
LIVE UP TO IT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.

LIVE UP TO IT.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

THANK YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND
COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN

ERIN FLEMING, MANAGER AND
COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN
GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF

COMPANION OF VETERAN COMEDIAN
GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF
HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A

GROUCHO MARX, WAS RELIEVED OF
HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A
CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A

HER DUTIES YESTERDAY BY A
CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A
COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH.

CALIFORNIA JUDGE, PENDING A
COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH.
MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO

COURT HEARING NEXT MONTH.
MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO
ELUDE REPORTERS AND

MISS FLEMING, IN AN EFFORT TO
ELUDE REPORTERS AND
PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A

ELUDE REPORTERS AND
PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A
DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING

PHOTOGRAPHERS, HAS ADOPTED A
DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING
HER PRIVACY.

DISGUISE IN HOPES OF MAINTAINING
HER PRIVACY.
SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION

HER PRIVACY.
SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION
TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO

SHE'S ALSO FILED AN APPLICATION
TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO
"FLEMMO."

TO LEGALLY CHANGE HER NAME TO
"FLEMMO."
AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN

"FLEMMO."
AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN
NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN

AT A FUND-RAISING DINNER IN
NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN
BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON

NEW YORK, FORMER CONGRESSWOMAN
BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON
WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A

BELA ABZUG THREW UP ON
WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A
PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED

WALTER CRONKITE'S FORK AS A
PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED
THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS

PROTEST AGAINST WHAT SHE LABELED
THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS
ESTABLISHMENT."

THE "MALE-DOMINATED TV NEWS
ESTABLISHMENT."
ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE

ESTABLISHMENT."
ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE
BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN

ALEX HALEY, AUTHOR OF THE
BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN
ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL

BEST-SELLING "ROOTS," HAS BEEN
ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL
FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER

ACCUSED OF PLAGIARIZING MATERIAL
FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER
AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S

FROM EXISTING WORKS BY TWO OTHER
AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S
"JUBILEE" AND

AUTHORS, MARGARET ALEXANDER'S
"JUBILEE" AND
HAROLD COURLANDER'S

"JUBILEE" AND
HAROLD COURLANDER'S
"THE AFRICAN."

HAROLD COURLANDER'S
"THE AFRICAN."
HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A

"THE AFRICAN."
HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A
COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF

HALEY CLAIMS IT'S JUST A
COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF
THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO

COINCIDENCE, AND, SHRUGGING OFF
THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO
FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL,

THE CHARGES, HE WENT BACK TO
FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL,
"MOBY DICK."

FINISHING HIS NEW NOVEL,
"MOBY DICK."
THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE

"MOBY DICK."
THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE
OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING

THAT GIANT ICEBERG WHICH BROKE
OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING
NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA.

OFF ANTARCTICA IS MOVING
NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA.
NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE,

NORTHWARD, TOWARD SOUTH AMERICA.
NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE,
CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE

NASA RELEASED THIS PICTURE,
CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE

CLAIMING IT WAS A SATELLITE
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE
ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT

PHOTOGRAPH OF THE 45-BY-25-MILE
ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT
IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF

ICEBERG, BUT OUR SOURCES REPORT
IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF
IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST.

IT IS ACTUALLY AN AERIAL SHOT OF
IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST.
MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT

IDI AMIN'S WASSERMAN TEST.
MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT
DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS CONDITION AS IT
DEVELOPS.
WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS

DEVELOPS.
WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS
FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE

WELL, A PHILADELPHIA MAN HAS
FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE
SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC

FILED A $2 MILLION MALPRACTICE
SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC
SURGEON.

SUIT AGAINST HIS PLASTIC
SURGEON.
THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS,

SURGEON.
THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS,
"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM

THE SURGEON, SHOWN HERE, SAYS,
"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM
LOOK NORMAL."

"I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE HIM
LOOK NORMAL."
AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL

LOOK NORMAL."
AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL
BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY.

AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S EDITORIAL
BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY.
THANK YOU, JANE.

BY CORRESPONDENT BILL MURRAY.
THANK YOU, JANE.
IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK,

THANK YOU, JANE.
IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK,
THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT

IN A LANDMARK RULING THIS WEEK,
THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT
DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF

THE UNITED STATES SUPREME COURT
DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF
SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR

DECLARED THAT THE SPANKING OF
SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR
OTHER SCHOOL OFFICIALS IS

SCHOOLCHILDREN BY TEACHERS OR
OTHER SCHOOL OFFICIALS IS
CONSTITUTIONAL.

THIS 5-4 ENDORSEMENT OF

CORPORAL PUNISHMENT SHOULD NOT

BE TAKEN LIGHTLY.

IMAGINE, IF YOU WILL, THAT YOU

ARE A FIFTH-GRADE TEACHER AND

YOUR CLASS IS LINED UP FOR A

FIRE DRILL, AND AN 11-YEAR-OLD

GIRL IN THE CLASS TALKS TO HER

NEIGHBOR... NO BIG CRIME.

CHILDREN ARE AT TIMES UNRULY,
BUT PERHAPS SHE SHOULD BE TAUGHT
A LESSON.

BUT PERHAPS SHE SHOULD BE TAUGHT
A LESSON.
OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER

A LESSON.
OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER
SCHOOL.

OKAY, HAVE HER STAY AFTER
SCHOOL.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE

SCHOOL.
YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE
HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES.

YOU WOULDN'T WANT TO HUMILIATE
HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES.
THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE,

HER IN FRONT OF HER CLASSMATES.
THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE,
SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND

THEN TAKE THE CHILD... SO PURE,
SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND
PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY,

SO FRAIL, SO UNSUSPECTING... AND
PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY,
EVER SO GENTLY.

PUT HER OVER YOUR KNEE GENTLY,
EVER SO GENTLY.
BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND

EVER SO GENTLY.
BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND
IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND

BUT FIRST YOUR MIND WANDERS, AND
IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND
BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD,

IMAGES OF SUNNY SUNDAYS AND
BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD,
WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS...

BREAKFAST WITH MOM AND DAD,
WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS...
LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE.

WALKS IN THE PARK WITH GRAMPS...
LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE.
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF

LOVE, SO MUCH LOVE.
THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF
YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU

THE KIDS AT SCHOOL MADE FUN OF
YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU
"SISSY."

YOU, AND THEY CALLED YOU
"SISSY."
AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN

"SISSY."
AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN
GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU

AND THE BOYS LAUGHED AT YOU IN
GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU
WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY

GYM CLASS, AND THEY SAID YOU
WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY
WERE.

WEREN'T AS MASCULINE AS THEY
WERE.
YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES.

WERE.
YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES.
AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE

YOU COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPES.
AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE
THE HARDEST.

AND THE SHOWERS, OF COURSE, WERE
THE HARDEST.
"BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU.

THE HARDEST.
"BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU.
BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS,

"BALD BILLY," THEY CALLED YOU.
BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS,
THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST,

BUT THE GIRLS... THE GIRLS,
THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST,
GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND

THEY LAUGHED THE HARDEST,
GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND
POINTING AT YOU.

GIGGLING BEHIND YOUR BACK AND
POINTING AT YOU.
"BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE

POINTING AT YOU.
"BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER?

"BILLY, BILLY, WHAT'S THE
MATTER?
THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL

MATTER?
THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL
WITH YOU!"

THE BOYS WON'T PLAY BASEBALL
WITH YOU!"
THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL

WITH YOU!"
THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL
THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT

THEN IN HIGH SCHOOL, YOU'D CALL
THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT
STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED

THEM, ASK THEM ON DATES, BUT
STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED
AND LAUGHED.

STILL THEY LAUGHED AND LAUGHED
AND LAUGHED.
AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON

AND LAUGHED.
AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON
SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING

AND YOU ENDED AT HOME ON
SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING
WRESTLING ON TV.

SATURDAY NIGHT, WATCHING
WRESTLING ON TV.
AND THEN GRAMPS DIED.

WRESTLING ON TV.
AND THEN GRAMPS DIED.
THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD

AND THEN GRAMPS DIED.
THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD
AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED

THEN MOM... WELL, SHE LEFT DAD
AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED
WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS

AND MARRIED A GUY WHO LAUGHED
WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS
OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED.

WHEN HE HEARD YOU WERE 23 YEARS
OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED.
AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH

OLD AND YOU'D NEVER BEEN KISSED.
AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH
THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED.

AND MOM, SHE LAUGHED, TOO, WITH
THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED.
AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN,

THIS WEIRD GUY SHE MARRIED.
AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN,
GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE

AND YOU SWORE YOU'D GET EVEN,
GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE
PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED.

GET EVEN WITH ALL OF THOSE
PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED.
AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.

PEOPLE THAT LAUGHED.
AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN

AND NOW'S YOUR CHANCE.
IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN
ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE

IT TAKES WHAT SEEMS LIKE AN
ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE
TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND

ETERNITY, BUT YOU TAKE THE
TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND
PULL UP HER DRESS.

TREMBLING GIRL ON YOUR KNEE AND
PULL UP HER DRESS.
YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW.

PULL UP HER DRESS.
YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW.
YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU

YES, YOU'RE ALMOST HOME NOW.
YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU
MUST CONTINUE.

YOUR HANDS ARE SHAKING, BUT YOU
MUST CONTINUE.
AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE

MUST CONTINUE.
AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE
PANTIES.

AND THEN THE PANTIES... OH, THE
PANTIES.
THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT

PANTIES.
THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT
PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM.

THEY'RE WHITE, AND THEY'VE GOT
PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM.
AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND

PINK OR LIGHT BLUE TRIM.
AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND
YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES.

AND YOU TOUCH THE PANTIES, AND
YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES.
AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS

YOU PULL DOWN THE PANTIES.
AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS
OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET

AND THERE ARE FIRM, WHITE MOUNDS
OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET
NIRVANA.

OF HEAVEN... SWEET, SWEET, SWEET
NIRVANA.
THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME.

NIRVANA.
THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME.
YEAH, THEY GIGGLED.

THE GIRLS MADE FUN OF ME.
YEAH, THEY GIGGLED.
THEY POINTED.

YEAH, THEY GIGGLED.
THEY POINTED.
THEY STOOD ME UP.

THEY POINTED.
THEY STOOD ME UP.
BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT.

THEY STOOD ME UP.
BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT.
AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS.

BUT NOW THEY'LL PAY FOR IT.
AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS.
YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND

AND YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS.
YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND
AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL,

YOU HIT THOSE MOUNDS AGAIN AND
AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL,
"YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE

AGAIN, AND YOU HIT THEM UNTIL,
"YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE
YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?"

"YOU BEG FOR MERCY!" AND, "ARE
YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?"
AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM.

YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?"
AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM.
GRAMPS? HUH?

AND YOU'LL SHOW THEM.
GRAMPS? HUH?
WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU!

GRAMPS? HUH?
WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU!
MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH?

WHY DID YOU DIE? I MISSED YOU!
MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH?
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?

MOM? WHY DID YOU REMARRY, HUH?
WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY

WHY DID YOU LEAVE ME?
WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE, HUH?

WHY CAN'T I BE LIKE EVERYBODY
ELSE, HUH?
I'LL SHOW YOU WHY!

ELSE, HUH?
I'LL SHOW YOU WHY!
ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?!

I'LL SHOW YOU WHY!
ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?!
NO!

ARE YOU GONNA DO IT AGAIN?!
NO!
THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR

NO!
THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE."

THIS IS BILL MURRAY FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE."
BACK TO YOU, JANE.

STILL TO COME, AN ALTERNATIVE
TO BREAST-FEEDING, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

TO BREAST-FEEDING, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.
[FANFARE PLAYING]

MESSAGE.
[FANFARE PLAYING]
Announcer: THIS IS THE

[FANFARE PLAYING]
Announcer: THIS IS THE
BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A

Announcer: THIS IS THE
BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A
COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR

BIGGEST PROP EVER MADE FOR A
COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR
IT.

COMMERCIAL, AND OXXON PAID FOR
IT.
THE RISING COST OF OIL

IT.
THE RISING COST OF OIL
ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON

THE RISING COST OF OIL
ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON
WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE.

ADVERTISING IS JUST ONE REASON
WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE.
THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A

WHY YOUR ENERGY COSTS MORE.
THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A
HELICOPTER.

THESE SHOTS ARE TAKEN FROM A
HELICOPTER.
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A

HELICOPTER.
YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A
HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO

YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH A
HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO
RENT?

HELICOPTER LIKE THIS COSTS TO
RENT?
AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT

RENT?
AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT
YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,

AND FOR EVERY FOOT OF FILM THAT
YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,
THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE.

YOU'RE WATCHING RIGHT NOW,
THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE.
THAT'S A LOT OF FILM...

THERE'S 100 FEET WE DIDN'T USE.
THAT'S A LOT OF FILM...
EXPENSIVE FILM.

THAT'S A LOT OF FILM...
EXPENSIVE FILM.
LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY

EXPENSIVE FILM.
LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY
EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE

LOOK AT THIS SET... VERY
EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE
ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN

EXPENSIVE... AND WE HAVE TO USE
ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN
ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE

ALL UNION ACTORS AND AN
ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE
THINGS.

ALL-UNION CREW TO SHOOT THESE
THINGS.
AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE

THINGS.
AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE
PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI,

AND WE'VE GOT TO FEED THESE
PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI,
BUT MEAT.

PEOPLE... NOT JUST SPAGHETTI,
BUT MEAT.
JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT.

BUT MEAT.
JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT.
AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE

JUST LOOK AT THIS GUY EAT.
AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE
GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS.

AND DON'T FORGET ABOUT ME, THE
GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS.
I GET PAID, TOO.

GUY WHO NARRATES THESE THINGS.
I GET PAID, TOO.
AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE,

I GET PAID, TOO.
AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE,
THE COST JUST BEGINS.

AND ONCE THE COMMERCIAL'S MADE,
THE COST JUST BEGINS.
WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000

THE COST JUST BEGINS.
WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000
A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE

WE'VE GOT TO PAY UP TO $100,000
A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE
THIS.

A MINUTE JUST SO YOU CAN SEE
THIS.
SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT

THIS.
SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT
OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND

SO NEXT TIME YOU COMPLAIN ABOUT
OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND
WATCH AN EXPENSIVE OIL

OIL PRICES, TURN ON YOUR TV AND
WATCH AN EXPENSIVE OIL
COMMERCIAL LIKE THIS ONE.

SOVIET COMMUNIST PARTY CHIEF
LEONID BREZHNEV SURPRISED THE
WORLD THIS WEEK.

LEONID BREZHNEV SURPRISED THE
WORLD THIS WEEK.
MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND,

WORLD THIS WEEK.
MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND,
MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED

MARY POPPINS' HUSBAND,
MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED
AS SHORTSTOP BY THE

MARTY POPPINS, HAS BEEN SIGNED
AS SHORTSTOP BY THE
MINNESOTA TWINS.

AS SHORTSTOP BY THE
MINNESOTA TWINS.
MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN

MINNESOTA TWINS.
MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN
THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO

MARTY IS SHOWN HERE LANDING IN
THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO
FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW

THE STADIUM JUST IN TIME TO
FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW
THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST.

FIELD THE GROUND BALL AND THROW
THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST.
A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000

THE RUNNER OUT AT FIRST.
A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000
SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO

A CAPACITY CROWD OF 55,000
SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO
CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE."

SALUTED HIM BY SINGING TWO
CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE."
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S

CHORUSES OF "CHIM CHIM CHER-EE."
AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S
EDITORIAL REPLY BY

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S
EDITORIAL REPLY BY
EMILY LITELLA.

EDITORIAL REPLY BY
EMILY LITELLA.
HI.

EMILY LITELLA.
HI.
THANK YOU.

HI.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, JANE.

TONIGHT'S COMMENTARY IS

CONCERNED WITH AIR SOLUTION.

NOW, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I HEAR

ABOUT AIR SOLUTION?

I DON'T... OH, GOD.
[LAUGHS]
I CAN'T...

[LAUGHS]
I CAN'T...
[LAUGHS]

I CAN'T...
[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

[LAUGHS]
WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
[LAUGHS]

WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
[LAUGHS]
THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER

[LAUGHS]
THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER
MADE.

THAT WAS THE WORST JOKE I EVER
MADE.
IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE!

MADE.
IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE!
I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.

IT WASN'T EVEN CLOSE!
I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M WELL AWARE OF THAT.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?
OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN.
I'M JUST NOT MYSELF.

OH, I'M SORRY, MISS CURTIN.
I'M JUST NOT MYSELF.
I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED.

I'M JUST NOT MYSELF.
I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED.
PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT?

I'M QUITE PREOCCUPIED.
PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT?
OH, MY MAN! MY MAN!

PREOCCUPIED WITH WHAT?
OH, MY MAN! MY MAN!
OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL

OH, MY MAN! MY MAN!
OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL
FLOWING!

OH! YOU KNOW, MY JUICES ARE ALL
FLOWING!
I'M ALL JUICED UP!

FLOWING!
I'M ALL JUICED UP!
WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?

I'M ALL JUICED UP!
WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?
TOM SNYDER!

WHO IS THIS GUY, ANYWAY?
TOM SNYDER!
TOM SNYDER?

TOM SNYDER!
TOM SNYDER?
YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE

TOM SNYDER?
YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE
WITH TOM SNYDER.

YOU, EMILY LITELLA, ARE IN LOVE
WITH TOM SNYDER.
WHAT A HUNK!

WITH TOM SNYDER.
WHAT A HUNK!
WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING,

WHAT A HUNK!
WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING,
BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM.

WELL, I GUESS HE'S APPEALING,
BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM.
BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO

BUT, UH, I'D NEVER TRUST HIM.
BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO
CALIFORNIA ANYWAY.

BESIDES, HE'S GOING TO
CALIFORNIA ANYWAY.
WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM

CALIFORNIA ANYWAY.
WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM
THAT WAY.

WELL, DON'T TALK ABOUT HIM
THAT WAY.
I LOVE HIM!

THAT WAY.
I LOVE HIM!
OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH

I LOVE HIM!
OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH
IT.

OH, COME ON, HE'S NOT WORTH
IT.
LOOK AT HIS HAIR!

IT.
LOOK AT HIS HAIR!
HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU.

LOOK AT HIS HAIR!
HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU.
I LOVE HIM!

HE'LL ONLY HURT YOU.
I LOVE HIM!
I LOVE HIM!

I LOVE HIM!
I LOVE HIM!
I LOVE HIM!

I LOVE HIM!
I LOVE HIM!
♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL

I LOVE HIM!
♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL
SWALLOW ♪

♪ AND WHERE HE GOES, I'LL
SWALLOW ♪
♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪

SWALLOW ♪
♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪
♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪

♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪
♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪
♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL SWALLOW ♪
♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ HE'LL ALWAYS BE MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪

♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪

♪ MY TRUE LOVE ♪
♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪
♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FROM NOW UNTIL FOREVER ♪
♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ FOREVER ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪

♪ FOREVER ♪
♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪
EMILY?

♪ I WILL SWALLOW HIM ♪
EMILY?
EMILY?

EMILY?
EMILY?
♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪

EMILY?
♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪
EMILY!

♪ THERE ISN'T... ♪
EMILY!
WHAT?

EMILY!
WHAT?
THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"...

WHAT?
THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"...
NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM."

THAT'S "I WILL FOLLOW HIM"...
NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM."
OH!

NOT "SWALLOW HIM," "FOLLOW HIM."
OH!
WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.

OH!
WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

WELL, THAT'S DIFFERENT.
THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER

THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER
MIND.

TOM, IF YOU'RE WATCHING... NEVER
MIND.
THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT.

MIND.
THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

THAT'S OUR NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

[BELL DINGING]
AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN

AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN
EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE

GENTLEMEN, WE COME TO THE MAIN
EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE
WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP

EVENT OF THE PROGRAM... THE
WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP
CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT,

WORLD HEAVY WIT CHAMPIONSHIP
CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT,
IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE

CONTEST, FEATURING, ON MY LEFT,
IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE
CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND,

IN THE BLUE CORNER, THE
CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND,
EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15

CHALLENGER FROM LONDON, ENGLAND,
EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15
SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR.

EUROPE... AT 140 POUNDS, 15
SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR.
RAY GRIMWADE!

SHILLINGS, AND 6 PENCE, MR.
RAY GRIMWADE!
[JEERS AND APPLAUSE]

RAY GRIMWADE!
[JEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED

[JEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED
CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA,

AND ON MY RIGHT, IN THE RED
CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA,
AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS

CORNER, AND FROM TAMPA, FLORIDA,
AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS
CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH

AT 180 POUNDS... WHICH IS
CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH
MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK

CURRENTLY $12 IN ENGLISH
MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK
BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE

MONEY... THE HOLDER OF A BLACK
BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE
UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF

BORSCHT BELT IN COMEDY, THE
UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF
THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION!

UNDISPUTED HEAVY WIT CHAMPION OF
THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THE WORLD, MOHAMMED STALLION!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S
MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE.

AND OUR REFEREE FOR TONIGHT'S
MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE.
WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME,

MATCH WILL BE REG McQUADE.
WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME,
EVERYBODY.

WELL, GOOD EVENING FROM ME,
EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO

EVERYBODY.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO
HAVE MET IN THE RING.

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THESE TWO
HAVE MET IN THE RING.
THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE

HAVE MET IN THE RING.
THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE
LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND

THEY MET ONCE BEFORE IN THE
LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND
ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S

LOBBY OF THE ALGONQUIN HOTEL AND
ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S
ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER

ONCE AT MY PLACE, BUT THAT'S
ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER
TONIGHT.

ANOTHER STORY AND DOESN'T MATTER
TONIGHT.
THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24

TONIGHT.
THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24
PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH

THE ENGLISHMAN HAS HAD 24
PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH
HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND

PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH
HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND
ONE RAN AWAY.

HE'S WON 20, HAD 3 DEFEATS, AND
ONE RAN AWAY.
THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28

ONE RAN AWAY.
THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28
PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH

THE CHAMP HAS HAD 28
PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH
HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY.

PROFESSIONAL CONTESTS, OF WHICH
HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY.
IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU

HE'S WON 26, 2 FATALLY.
IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU
REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE

IN HIS LAST OUTING, YOU
REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE
WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER

REMEMBER, HE WENT THE DISTANCE
WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER
DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT

WITH HENNY YOUNGMAN... A RATHER
DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT
WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER

DISAPPOINTING PERFORMANCE, BUT
WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER
TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S

WE HOPE HE'S GONNA DO BETTER
TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S
TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE

TONIGHT, AND YOU CAN SEE HE'S
TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE
ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO

TRYING TO PSYCH-OUT THE
ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO
DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE

ENGLISHMAN, WHO DOESN'T SEEM TOO
DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE
ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR,

DISTURBED BY IT, BUT THE
ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR,
AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT

ENGLISHMAN LIKES CUTTING HUMOR,
AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT
OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT.

AND WE MAY SEE JUST A LITTLE BIT
OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT.
I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.

OF BLOOD HERE TONIGHT.
I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
GOD, I HOPE SO.

I HOPE SO. I CERTAINLY HOPE SO.
GOD, I HOPE SO.
ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET.

GOD, I HOPE SO.
ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET.
[BELL DINGS]

ANYWAY, WE SEEM ALL SET.
[BELL DINGS]
HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

[BELL DINGS]
HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.
NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING.

HERE'S THE FUNNY THING.
NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING.
I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND

NOW, THIS IS THE FUNNY THING.
I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND
THERE'S THE FUNNY THING.

I WENT HOME THE OTHER DAY, AND
THERE'S THE FUNNY THING.
MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM

THERE'S THE FUNNY THING.
MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM
WITH A NAKED MAN.

MY WIFE WAS IN THE LIVING ROOM
WITH A NAKED MAN.
I'M A FAIR CHAP.

WITH A NAKED MAN.
I'M A FAIR CHAP.
I GAVE HER A CHANCE.

I'M A FAIR CHAP.
I GAVE HER A CHANCE.
I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN

I GAVE HER A CHANCE.
I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN
DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?"

I SAID, "WHAT'S THIS NAKED MAN
DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?"
SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING

DOING IN THE LIVING ROOM?"
SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING
TO USE THE TELEPHONE."

SHE SAID, "HE'S A NUDIST COMING
TO USE THE TELEPHONE."
OH!

TO USE THE TELEPHONE."
OH!
WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE

OH!
WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE
CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS

WHOA, A GOOD START BY THE
CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS
OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL

CHALLENGER, JUST FEELING OUT HIS
OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL
OPENING.

OPPONENT THERE WITH A MUSICAL
OPENING.
HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST

OPENING.
HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST
GORE VIDAL AT

HE USED IT BEFORE AGAINST
GORE VIDAL AT
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.

GORE VIDAL AT
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN.
IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S
CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER.

IT'S NOT A BUILDER, BUT IT'S
CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER.
I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A

CERTAINLY A RIB-TICKLER.
I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A
HINT OF A SMILE.

I THINK THE CHAMP FELT JUST A
HINT OF A SMILE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK

HINT OF A SMILE.
LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK
WITH.

LET'S SEE WHAT HE COMES BACK
WITH.
KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING

WITH.
KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING
TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY?

KIDS ARE REALLY SOMETHING
TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY?
I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO

TODAY, REALLY, AREN'T THEY?
I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO
KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING.

I'VE GOT A KID, DOESN'T WANT TO
KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING.
I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10

KNOW ABOUT ANYTHING.
I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10
APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S

I SAID TO HIM, "IF I HAD 10
APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE?"

APPLES AND GAVE YOU 6, WHAT'S
THE DIFFERENCE?"
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?

THE DIFFERENCE?"
YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?
NO. WHAT?

YOU KNOW WHAT HE SAID?
NO. WHAT?
"THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT

NO. WHAT?
"THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT
IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"

"THAT'S HOW I FEEL ABOUT
IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"
THANK YOU!

IT... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?"
THANK YOU!
WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP

THANK YOU!
WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP
IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE.

WHOA, AND I THINK THE CHAMP
IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE.
WHOA, HE GOT HIM.

IS GONNA KEEP HIM AT A DISTANCE.
WHOA, HE GOT HIM.
GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE

WHOA, HE GOT HIM.
GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE
COMING.

GRIMWADE DIDN'T SEE THAT ONE
COMING.
HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND

COMING.
HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND
THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM.

HE FELL RIGHT FOR THE LINE, AND
THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM.
LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS.

THAT CERTAINLY HAD TO HURT HIM.
LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS.
I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY.

LET'S SEE HOW HE REACTS.
I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY.
THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS

I WAS IN A PUB THE OTHER DAY.
THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS
ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE.

THIS CHAP COMES UP TO ME, HITS
ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE.
I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A

ME ON THE HEAD WITH A BOTTLE.
I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A
JOKE?"

I SAID, "WAS THAT SERIOUS OR A
JOKE?"
HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS."

JOKE?"
HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS."
I SAID, "THANK GOD.

HE SAID, "IT WAS SERIOUS."
I SAID, "THANK GOD.
I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT."

I SAID, "THANK GOD.
I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT."
OHH.

I CAN'T STAND JOKES LIKE THAT."
OHH.
I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT

OHH.
I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT
HIM AT ALL.

I DON'T THINK THAT ONE HURT
HIM AT ALL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,

HIM AT ALL.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
DANNY FONTANELLI?

WHAT DO YOU THINK,
DANNY FONTANELLI?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,

DANNY FONTANELLI?
WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BILLY LANOVA.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW,
BILLY LANOVA.
IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I

BILLY LANOVA.
IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I
DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM.

IT LOOKED PRETTY GOOD, BUT I
DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM.
AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT.

DON'T THINK IT TOUCHED HIM.
AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT.
HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD.

AND LOOK AT THE CHAMP TONIGHT.
HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD.

HE'S DROPPED HIS GUARD.
I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD.
NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS

I DON'T THINK THIS IS VERY GOOD.
NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS
NECESSARY.

NO, I DON'T THINK THIS IS
NECESSARY.
HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM,

NECESSARY.
HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM,
RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A

HE SHOULD TAKE THE WIT TO HIM,
RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A
LITTLE BIT.

RATHER THAN JUST MAKE HIM MISS A
LITTLE BIT.
YEAH.

LITTLE BIT.
YEAH.
RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE.

YEAH.
RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE.
THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY

RAY'S LOST HIS RHYTHM IN THERE.
THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY
OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM.

THIS IS WHERE THE CHAMP REALLY
OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING

OUGHT TO BE PUNISHING HIM.
YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING
WEIGHT.

YOU KNOW, MY WIFE'S GAINING
WEIGHT.
LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE

WEIGHT.
LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE
HER HER OWN ZIP CODE.

LAST WEEK THE POST OFFICE GAVE
HER HER OWN ZIP CODE.
THANK YOU.

HER HER OWN ZIP CODE.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, THANK YOU.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HEY, THANK YOU.
MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.

HEY, THANK YOU.
MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.
THANK YOU.

MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.
THANK YOU.
MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.

THANK YOU.
MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.
NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT

MY WIFE WEARS A COIL.
NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT
PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES

NOT ONLY DOES IT PREVENT
PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES
WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION

PREGNANCY, BUT IT ALSO DOES
WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION
RECEPTION.

WONDERS FOR MY TELEVISION
RECEPTION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!

RECEPTION.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
WOW!

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!
WOW!
WOW!

WOW!
WOW!
THAT ONE REALLY STUNG!

WOW!
THAT ONE REALLY STUNG!
YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A

THAT ONE REALLY STUNG!
YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A
DEVASTATING "MY WIFE"

YEAH, BILLY, THAT WAS A
DEVASTATING "MY WIFE"
COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND

DEVASTATING "MY WIFE"
COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND
DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK

COMBINATION, SUPERBLY TIMED AND
DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK
TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT.

DELIVERED, AND RAY DOES NOT LOOK
TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT.
NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T.

TOO HAPPY OUT THERE TONIGHT.
NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T.
HE'S REELING.

NO, HE'S SHOULDN'T.
HE'S REELING.
HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN

HE'S REELING.
HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN
CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM

HE GLANCES TOWARDS HIS OWN
CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM
NOW.

CORNER, BUT THEY CANNOT HELP HIM
NOW.
HE'S ON HIS OWN.

NOW.
HE'S ON HIS OWN.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO

HE'S ON HIS OWN.
MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO
NOSE.

MY MOTHER-IN-LAW'S GOT NO
NOSE.
YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL?

NOSE.
YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL?
NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN

YEAH? HOW'S SHE SMELL?
NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN
ACCORD.

NO, SHE WENT OF HER OWN
ACCORD.
OHH.

ACCORD.
OHH.
HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY...

OHH.
HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY...
A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG

HE RUINED THAT COMPLETELY...
A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG
COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH!

A WRONG SETUP, A WRONG
COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH!
THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON

COMBINATION, AND A WRONG PUNCH!
THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON
THAT BEAUTIFULLY.

THE CHAMP REALLY SOLD HIM ON
THAT BEAUTIFULLY.
HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN

THAT BEAUTIFULLY.
HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN
TROUBLE.

HE'S REELING, AND HE IS IN
TROUBLE.
I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE

TROUBLE.
I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE
COMPANY... REALLY.

I GOT A GREAT INSURANCE
COMPANY... REALLY.
THEY GOT THIS NEW

COMPANY... REALLY.
THEY GOT THIS NEW
HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE

THEY GOT THIS NEW
HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE
IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME

HEALTH-AND-ACCIDENT PLAN... LIKE
IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME
FIND IT.

IF I LOSE A LEG, THEY HELP ME
FIND IT.
THANK YOU! HEY!

FIND IT.
THANK YOU! HEY!
THAT HURT.

THANK YOU! HEY!
THAT HURT.
[BELL DINGS]

THAT HURT.
[BELL DINGS]
WHAT A BELTER!

[BELL DINGS]
WHAT A BELTER!
OH, BROTHER.

WHAT A BELTER!
OH, BROTHER.
THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT.

OH, BROTHER.
THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT.
OH, THERE'S THE BELL.

THAT REALLY HAD TO HURT.
OH, THERE'S THE BELL.
THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT

OH, THERE'S THE BELL.
THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT
LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS

THAT'S A BRIEF REST, BUT AT
LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS
QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL.

LEAST... I DON'T THINK RAY KNOWS
QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL.
WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY

QUITE WHERE HE IS, BILL.
WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY
FROM THAT LAST ONE,

WELL, HE'S DEFINITELY GROGGY
FROM THAT LAST ONE,
DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S

FROM THAT LAST ONE,
DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S
HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS

DANNY FONTANELLI, AND HE'S
HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS
CORNER.

HAVING TO BE HELPED BACK TO HIS
CORNER.
YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A

CORNER.
YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A
"MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE

YEAH, I HAVEN'T SEEN SUCH A
"MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE
1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK

"MY WIFE" COMBINATION SINCE
1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK
ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE.

1949, WHEN BENNETT CERF TOOK
ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE.
OR IN THE SECOND

ROCKY MARCIANO THE DISTANCE.
OR IN THE SECOND
RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF

OR IN THE SECOND
RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF
COURSE.

RICKLES/FRAZIER FIGHT, OF
COURSE.
ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI?

COURSE.
ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI?
WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND

ANY COMMENTS, DANNY FONTANELLI?
WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND
THERE, BILLY LANOVA.

WE SAW A SPECTACULAR ROUND
THERE, BILLY LANOVA.
THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS

THERE, BILLY LANOVA.
THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS
MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE

THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE IS
MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE
LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN

MISSING, AND I DON'T THINK HE
LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN
THAT FIRST ROUND.

LANDED A LINE ON THE CHAMP IN
THAT FIRST ROUND.
AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S

THAT FIRST ROUND.
AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S
SWALLOWING THAT STUFF.

AND IT LOOKS TO ME LIKE HE'S
SWALLOWING THAT STUFF.
AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC,

SWALLOWING THAT STUFF.
AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC,
ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY.

AND THAT IS PURE GIN AND TONIC,
ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY.
WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A

ENGLISH-STYLE, BILLY.
WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A
NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER.

WELL, I NOTICE HE'S GOT A
NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER.
YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND

NOSE SPECIALIST IN THE CORNER.
YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND
HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT

YOU NEED A GOOD NOSE MAN, AND
HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT
FUNNY NOSE.

HE'S WORKING ON THAT SUSPECT
FUNNY NOSE.
YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT

FUNNY NOSE.
YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT
SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED,

YEAH, AND AS FAR AS THAT
SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED,
IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A

SUSPECT FUNNY NOSE IS CONCERNED,
IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A
LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF

IT SEEMS LIKE... IT SEEMS A
LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF
THING.

LITTLE EARLY FOR THIS KIND OF
THING.
LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES

THING.
LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES
FOR THAT.

LET'S SEE IF THE CHAMP GOES
FOR THAT.
THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS

FOR THAT.
THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS
HEAD THIS EVENING.

THE CHAMP... HE'S USING HIS
HEAD THIS EVENING.
HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT

HEAD THIS EVENING.
HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT
TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF

HE IS DIRTY ON OCCASION, BUT
TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF
WELL.

TONIGHT HE'S CONTENDING HIMSELF
WELL.
[BELL DINGS]

WELL.
[BELL DINGS]
WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S

[BELL DINGS]
WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S
DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG.

WHOA, HE'S KNOWS WHAT HE'S
DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG.
WHOA!

DOING, AND THERE'S THE GONG.
WHOA!
A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE

WHOA!
A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE
SECOND ROUND!

A SENSATIONAL OPENING FOR THE
SECOND ROUND!
HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A

SECOND ROUND!
HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A
SURPRISE PIE!

HE REALLY CAUGHT HIM WITH A
SURPRISE PIE!
SPECTACULAR!

SURPRISE PIE!
SPECTACULAR!
THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S

SPECTACULAR!
THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S
MISSING IT.

THE ENGLISHMAN'S FAST, BUT HE'S
MISSING IT.
OHH! OHH!

MISSING IT.
OHH! OHH!
HE MISSED IT!

OHH! OHH!
HE MISSED IT!
HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN

HE MISSED IT!
HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN
THAT... OHH!

HE DIDN'T LAND A LINE ON HIM IN
THAT... OHH!
HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH

THAT... OHH!
HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH
THAT PIE!

HE'S MISSED COMPLETELY WITH
THAT PIE!
OHH!

THAT PIE!
OHH!
THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL

OHH!
THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL
RIGHT PIE!

THE CHAMP THROWING A BEAUTIFUL
RIGHT PIE!
WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM?

RIGHT PIE!
WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM?
WHOA!

WHERE DID THAT PIE COME FROM?
WHOA!
SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING!

WHOA!
SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING!
JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER

SPECTACULAR WHITEWASHING!
JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER
SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE

JUST THE FINEST PIE I'VE EVER
SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE
WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT.

SEEN THROWN, AND THEN THE
WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT.
[APPLAUSE]

WHITEWASH ON TOP OF IT.
[APPLAUSE]
WELL, THAT'S IT.

[APPLAUSE]
WELL, THAT'S IT.
I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT.

WELL, THAT'S IT.
I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT.
YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR

I THINK THAT'S JUST ABOUT IT.
YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR
THE COUNT.

YES, RAY GRIMWADE IS DOWN FOR
THE COUNT.
WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD

THE COUNT.
WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD
HEAVY WIT CONTEST.

WHAT AN AMAZING END TO THE WORLD
HEAVY WIT CONTEST.
THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE

HEAVY WIT CONTEST.
THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE
RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE.

THE WORLD HEAVY WIT TITLE
RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE.
WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN

RETAINED BY AMERICA HERE.
WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN
US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON

WE'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU TO JOIN
US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON
TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE

US NEXT WEEK WHEN KEN NORTON
TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE
STADIUM.

TAKES ON JAN MURRAY AT YANKEE
STADIUM.
TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM

STADIUM.
TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM
DANNY FONTANELLI...

TILL THEN, BYE-BYE FROM
DANNY FONTANELLI...
AND BILLY LANOVA.

Announcer: AND NOW, ON BEHALF
OF THE "SAVE GREAT BRITAIN"
TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO

OF THE "SAVE GREAT BRITAIN"
TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO
PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN

TELETHON, WE ARE PROUD TO
PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN
NEW YORK... NASTY.

PRESENT THE RUTLE WHO LIVES IN
NEW YORK... NASTY.
["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING]

NEW YORK... NASTY.
["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING]
♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN

["CHEESE AND ONIONS" PLAYING]
♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN
THE BACK OF MY MIND ♪

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT IN
THE BACK OF MY MIND ♪
♪ CHEESE AND ONIONS ♪

♪ I HAVE ALWAYS THOUGHT THAT

THE WORLD WAS UNKIND ♪

♪ CHEESE AND ONIONS ♪

♪ DO I HAVE TO SPELL IT OUT? ♪
♪ C-H-E-E-S-E ♪
♪ A-N-D ♪

♪ C-H-E-E-S-E ♪
♪ A-N-D ♪
♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪

♪ A-N-D ♪
♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪
♪ OH, NO ♪

♪ O-N-I-O-N-S ♪
♪ OH, NO ♪
♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪

♪ OH, NO ♪
♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪
♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪

♪ MAN OR MACHINE ♪
♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪
♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪

♪ KEEP YOURSELF CLEAN ♪
♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪
♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪

♪ OR BE A HAS-BEEN ♪
♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪
♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪

♪ LIKE A DINOSAUR ♪
♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪
♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ MAN OR DEVICE ♪
♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪
♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪

♪ BETTER THINK TWICE ♪
♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪
♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪

♪ YES, YOU BETTER THINK TWICE ♪
♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]

♪ AT LEAST ONCE MORE ♪
[FINALE PLAYS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TODAY ENGLAND'S
MOTION-PICTURE INDUSTRY HAS ALSO
FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY.

MOTION-PICTURE INDUSTRY HAS ALSO
FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY.
MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED

FALLEN VICTIM TO HER ECONOMY.
MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED
TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS

MAJOR STUDIOS HAVE BEEN FORCED
TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS
LAURENCE OLIVER AND

TO CLOSE DOWN, AND SIRS
LAURENCE OLIVER AND
RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING

LAURENCE OLIVER AND
RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING
SUMMER STOCK, AND

RALPH RICHARDSON ARE DOING
SUMMER STOCK, AND
MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A

SUMMER STOCK, AND
MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A
FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF

MICHAEL REDGRAVE IS MANAGING A
FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF
LIVERPOOL.

FISH-AND-CHIPS STAND OUTSIDE OF
LIVERPOOL.
BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME

LIVERPOOL.
BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME
PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED.

BUT DESPITE THIS CONDITION, SOME
PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED.
THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED

PICTURES ARE BEING PRODUCED.
THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED
"THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."

THE CURRENT HIT IS CALLED
"THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."
IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM

"THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."
IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM
WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE

IT'S A SPECTACULAR WAR FILM
WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE
ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR

WHICH ACCURATELY DEPICTS THE
ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR
AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL

ROYAL AIR FORCE'S FINEST HOUR
AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL
BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES,

AND EMPLOYS ALL THE TRADITIONAL
BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES,
DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY

BRITISH CINEMATIC TECHNIQUES,
DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY
$900.

DESPITE AN ANEMIC BUDGET OF ONLY
$900.
AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS

$900.
AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS
A PLEA FOR YOUR HELP, WE PRESENT

AS A GESTURE OF GOODWILL AND AS
A PLEA FOR YOUR HELP, WE PRESENT
"THE BATTLE OF BRITAIN."

[ROSS PARKER'S "WE'LL MEET

[AGAIN" PLAYING]

♪ DON'T KNOW WHEN ♪

♪ DON'T KNOW WHERE ♪

♪ BUT I KNOW WE'LL MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ SOME SUNNY DAY ♪

♪ KEEP SMILING THROUGH ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
[English accent] COUSIN

[MUSIC STOPS]
[English accent] COUSIN
CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO

[English accent] COUSIN
CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

CYNTHIA, WE'VE ALL BEEN SO
WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS

WORRIED ABOUT YOU.
YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS
FOR A MONTH.

YOU HAVEN'T BEEN OUT OF DOORS
FOR A MONTH.
[English accent] IT'S NOT

FOR A MONTH.
[English accent] IT'S NOT
KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT

[English accent] IT'S NOT
KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT
KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER

KNOWING, VIOLET, NOT
KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER
SEE HIM AGAIN.

KNOWING WHETHER OR NOT I'LL EVER
SEE HIM AGAIN.
THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO.

SEE HIM AGAIN.
THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO.
IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN

THAT'S WHAT PLAGUES ME SO.
IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN
CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL

IT IS A DREADFUL WAR, COUSIN
CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL
NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN.

CYNTHIA, BUT YOUR CONCERN WILL
NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN.
I KNOW, VIOLET.

NOT EXPEDITE RODNEY'S RETURN.
I KNOW, VIOLET.
OH! I ALMOST FORGOT.

I KNOW, VIOLET.
OH! I ALMOST FORGOT.
THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS

OH! I ALMOST FORGOT.
THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS
MORNING.

THIS LETTER ARRIVED FOR YOU THIS
MORNING.
OH!

[English accent] MY DEAREST
CYNTHIA, AS I WRITE TO YOU NOW
FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM

CYNTHIA, AS I WRITE TO YOU NOW
FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM
DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE,

FROM THE AIRFIELD AT BLENHEIM
DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE,
THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES,

DOWNS, I THINK NOT OF BATTLE,
THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES,
AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH

THE BATTLE FOR ENGLAND'S SKIES,
AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH
IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE

AS WELL AS FOR HER FUTURE, WHICH
IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE
FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST

IN A FEW SHORT HOURS I'LL BE
FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST
NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR

FIGHTING, BUT RATHER OF THE LAST
NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR
QUIET PARLOR AT YOUR HOME WHEN

NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR
QUIET PARLOR AT YOUR HOME WHEN
WE SAID GOODBYE.

GOODBYE, DARLING.

GOODBYE.

SO, SO, SO MANY THINGS HAVE

CHANGED SINCE THEN.

AS I WRITE, I CAN HEAR THE FIRST

WING OF OUR BRAVE FIGHTER GROUP

TAKE TO THE AIR IN THEIR HAWKER

HURRICANES.

AND SOON IT TOO WILL BE MY TURN
TO LEAVE THE READY ROOM AND TAKE
MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO

TO LEAVE THE READY ROOM AND TAKE
MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO
DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM

MY MACHINE UP INTO THE AIR TO
DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM
FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE

DEFEND OUR GREAT UNITED KINGDOM
FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE
LUFTWAFFE.

FROM THE BRUTAL ONSLAUGHT OF THE
LUFTWAFFE.
BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE,

LUFTWAFFE.
BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE,
CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL

BUT I WILL NOT BE ALONE,
CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL
BE FLYING BESIDE ME.

CYNTHIA, FOR BINKY AND TONY WILL
BE FLYING BESIDE ME.
YOU REMEMBER THEM.

BE FLYING BESIDE ME.
YOU REMEMBER THEM.
THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST

YOU REMEMBER THEM.
THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST
NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR

THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST
NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR
QUIET PARLOR WHEN WE SAID

NIGHT WE SPENT TOGETHER IN YOUR
QUIET PARLOR WHEN WE SAID
GOODBYE.

YOU KNOW BINKY AND TONY.

CYNTHIA.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: [English accent]

HELLO.

THAT'S IT, DARLING.
MY TIME HAS COME.
I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE

MY TIME HAS COME.
I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE
SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY

I CAN HEAR THE SOUND OF THE
SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY
ROOM.

SCRAMBLE ALARM IN THE READY
ROOM.
AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY

ROOM.
AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY
PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI

AND AS I PREPARE TO LAY DOWN MY
PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI
HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE

PEN, THE DRONE OF THE NAZI
HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE
SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM

HEINKEL BOMBER ECHOES OVER THE
SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM
DOWNS.

SOFT, GREEN MARSHES OF BLENHEIM
DOWNS.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]

DOWNS.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]
IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING.

[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]
IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING.
I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET

IT'S TIME NOW, DARLING.
I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET
NOW.

I'M ZIPPING UP MY FLIGHT JACKET
NOW.
[ZIPPER ZIPPING]

NOW.
[ZIPPER ZIPPING]
AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE

[ZIPPER ZIPPING]
AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE
FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS

AND AS I WALK OUT ONTO THE
FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS
CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND

FIELD, I CAN HEAR WINNY'S WORDS
CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND
IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION.

CRACKLING OVER THE WIRELESS, AND
IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION.
BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND

IT GIVES ME SUCH INSPIRATION.
BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND
ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000

BUT IF THE BRITISH EMPIRE AND
ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000
YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS

ITS COMMONWEALTH LASTS FOR 1,000
YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS
WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR."

YEARS, MEN WILL STILL SAY, "THIS
WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR."
AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND

WAS THEIR FINEST HOUR."
AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND
CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE.

AND THERE'S MY LOYAL GROUND
CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE.
YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND

CREW AROUND MY HAWKER HURRICANE.
YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND
CREW, DARLING.

YOU DO REMEMBER MY LOYAL GROUND
CREW, DARLING.
THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST

CREW, DARLING.
THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST
EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN

THEY, TOO, WERE THERE THAT LAST
EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN
YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT HOME WHEN

EVENING WE SPENT TOGETHER IN
YOUR QUIET PARLOR AT HOME WHEN
WE SAID GOODBYE.

CYNTHIA, DARLING, YOU KNOW

BINKY, TONY.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: HELLO.

AND, OF COURSE, MY GROUND

CREW... ROGER, LLOYD, HUGH, AND

WENDEL.

CYNTHIA.

Together: [English accent]

HELLO!

HELLO, LADS.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY

COUSIN VIOLET.

THIS IS ROGER, LLOYD, HUGH, AND

WENDEL.

HELLO, LADS.

Together: HELLO, VIOLET.

PLEASE REFRAIN FROM SPILLING

AIRCRAFT OIL ON THE RUGS.

Together: RIGHT-O!

YES.
AS I SIT IN THE COCKPIT OF MY
MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A

AS I SIT IN THE COCKPIT OF MY
MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A
MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU"

MACHINE, I FIND I STILL HAVE A
MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU"
BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE

MOMENT TO WRITE "I LOVE YOU"
BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE
BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT

BEFORE I FLY HEADLONG INTO THE
BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT
OF ENGLAND'S SKIES.

BLACK NIGHT TO SWEEP GERMANY OUT
OF ENGLAND'S SKIES.
DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I

OF ENGLAND'S SKIES.
DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I
RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER.

DARLING, PLEASE PRAY THAT I
RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]

RETURN TO FINISH THIS LETTER.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE HUMMING]
[RAPID GUNFIRE]

WELL, DARLING, GUESS WHAT.
I MADE IT.
THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP

I MADE IT.
THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP
DID A SMASHING JOB.

THE CHAPS IN OUR FIGHTER GROUP
DID A SMASHING JOB.
FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE

DID A SMASHING JOB.
FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE
LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING

FOR EVERY ONE OF US, 20 OF THE
LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING
OUT OF THE SKY.

LUFTWAFFE WOULD COME SCREAMING
OUT OF THE SKY.
YES, I PULLED THROUGH.

OUT OF THE SKY.
YES, I PULLED THROUGH.
I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND

YES, I PULLED THROUGH.
I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND
TONY.

I WAS LUCKY, UNLIKE BINKY AND
TONY.
I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY.

TONY.
I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY.
THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT

I REMEMBER BINKY AND TONY.
THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT
WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR,

THEY WERE THERE THAT LAST NIGHT
WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR,
THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.

WHEN WE WERE IN MY QUIET PARLOR,
THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.
THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING.

THE NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.
THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING.
THEY WERE.

THAT'S RIGHT, DARLING.
THEY WERE.
I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI

THEY WERE.
I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI
WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO

I TOOK QUITE A BIT OF NAZI
WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO
MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN

WING-CANNON FIRE MYSELF... SO
MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN
FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE

MUCH MACHINE-GUN BULLET THAT, IN
FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE
AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL

FACT, THE DOCTORS AT THE
AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL
HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME

AIRFIELD'S MAKESHIFT HOSPITAL
HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME
BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE.

HAVE HAD MORE OR LESS TO PUT ME
BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE.
YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE

BACK TOGETHER, AS IT WERE.
YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE
TIMES.

YES, DARLING, I GOT HIT FIVE
TIMES.
BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF

TIMES.
BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF
IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED

BUT WHAT ARE A FEW POUNDS OF
IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED
WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED

IRON PINS IN MY BODY COMPARED
WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED
GERMAN AIRCRAFT?

WITH THE TONS OF DESTROYED
GERMAN AIRCRAFT?
OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING

GERMAN AIRCRAFT?
OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING
TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW.

OLD HERMANN GOERING IS STARTING
TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW.
DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER

TO GET THE MESSAGE NOW.
DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER
HERMANN GOERING.

DARLING, YOU DO REMEMBER
HERMANN GOERING.
HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST

HERMANN GOERING.
HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST
NIGHT IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR, THE

HE, TOO, WAS WITH US THAT LAST
NIGHT IN YOUR QUIET PARLOR, THE
NIGHT WE SAID GOODBYE.

CYNTHIA, DARLING, YOU KNOW

BINKY, TONY.

HELLO, BINKY. HELLO, TONY.

Both: HELLO.

AND, OF COURSE, MY GROUND

CREW... ROGER, LLOYD, WENDEL,

AND HUGH, AND MR.

HERMANN GOERING.

PLEASED TO MEET YOU.
[German accent] FRAULEIN.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY

[German accent] FRAULEIN.
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY
COUSIN VIOLET.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU'VE MET MY
COUSIN VIOLET.
VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING.

COUSIN VIOLET.
VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING.
MR. GOERING... VIOLET.

VIOLET, THIS IS HERMANN GOERING.
MR. GOERING... VIOLET.
FRAULEIN.

MR. GOERING... VIOLET.
FRAULEIN.
HELLO.

FRAULEIN.
HELLO.
PLEASE REFRAIN FROM STEALING OUR

HELLO.
PLEASE REFRAIN FROM STEALING OUR
ART TREASURES.

YES.
IN SPITE OF MY INJURIES,
HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY

IN SPITE OF MY INJURIES,
HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY
SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS.

HOWEVER, I'VE BEEN ABLE TO FLY
SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS.
UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE,

SEVERAL VITAL ESCORT MISSIONS.
UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE,
I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT

UNFORTUNATELY, ON EVERY ONE,
I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT
UP.

I'VE MANAGED TO GET MYSELF SHOT
UP.
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS

UP.
I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS
HERE.

I FEEL SO SORRY FOR THE DOCTORS
HERE.
EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS

HERE.
EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS
AND LESS TO WORK WITH.

EACH TIME I LAND, THEY HAVE LESS
AND LESS TO WORK WITH.
THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A

AND LESS TO WORK WITH.
THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A
SPLENDID JOB.

THEY'RE ALL DOING SUCH A
SPLENDID JOB.
NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE

SPLENDID JOB.
NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE
14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE

NURSE SAYS I'LL BE OUT ON THE
14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE
TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR

14th OF THIS MONTH, AND I HOPE
TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR
BIRTHDAY.

TO BE THERE WITH YOU FOR YOUR
BIRTHDAY.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING.

BIRTHDAY.
I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING.
I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU

I'LL SEE YOU THEN, GOD WILLING.
I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU
CLOSE.

I LOVE YOU AND LONG TO HOLD YOU
CLOSE.
RODNEY.

CYNTHIA, DEAR, I HAVE A
SURPRISE FOR YOU.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

SURPRISE FOR YOU.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
RODNEY!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]
RODNEY!
RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED!

RODNEY!
RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED!
YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT!

RODNEY, I WAS SO WORRIED!
YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT!
AH, TWADDLE!

YOU SAID YOU'D BEEN HIT!
AH, TWADDLE!
NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T

AH, TWADDLE!
NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T
FIX, DARLING.

NOTHING THE DOCTORS COULDN'T
FIX, DARLING.
COME ON, RODNEY!

FIX, DARLING.
COME ON, RODNEY!
YOU CAN DO IT!

COME ON, RODNEY!
YOU CAN DO IT!
COME TO HERE.

YOU CAN DO IT!
COME TO HERE.
COME HERE, RODNEY!

COME TO HERE.
COME HERE, RODNEY!
COME HERE!

COME HERE, RODNEY!
COME HERE!
RODNEY!

COME HERE!
RODNEY!
OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO!

RODNEY!
OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO!
ARE WE ALONE, DARLING?

OH, DARLING, I'VE MISSED YOU SO!
ARE WE ALONE, DARLING?
WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE

ARE WE ALONE, DARLING?
WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE
TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP

WELL, ACTUALLY, DARLING, I'VE
TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP
TO PAY FOR THE RENT.

TAKEN IN SOME BOARDERS TO HELP
TO PAY FOR THE RENT.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW.

TO PAY FOR THE RENT.
YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW.
HELLO, LADS.

YOU REMEMBER YOUR GROUND CREW.
HELLO, LADS.
Together: HELLO, RODNEY!

HELLO, LADS.
Together: HELLO, RODNEY!
RIGHT!

Together: HELLO, RODNEY!
RIGHT!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYING]

HONESTLY, THE TELETHON'S
GOING REALLY WELL.
I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY,

GOING REALLY WELL.
I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY,
WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY

I MEAN, SO FAR, YOUR MAJESTY,
WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY
$21.

WE'VE RAISED A TOTAL OF NEARLY
$21.
YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY...

$21.
YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY...
OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING

YEAH, WE'LL BE ABLE TO PAY...
OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING
IN, PLEASE.

OH, DO KEEP THOSE PLEDGES COMING
IN, PLEASE.
THE PHONES ARE OPEN.

IN, PLEASE.
THE PHONES ARE OPEN.
JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE

THE PHONES ARE OPEN.
JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE
MONEY POURING IN.

JUST KEEP THEM POURING IN, THE
MONEY POURING IN.
AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO

MONEY POURING IN.
AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO
THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A

AND RIGHT NOW, WHILST YOU DO
THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A
FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES.

THAT, HERE FROM ENGLAND IS A
FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRIEND OF MINE, MR. NEIL INNES.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA"
PLAYING]

[NEIL INNES'S "SHANGRI-LA"
PLAYING]
♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪

[PLAYING]
♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪
♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS

♪ DID YOU EVER GET THE FEELING ♪
♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS
REVEALING ♪

♪ THAT THE TRUTH IS LESS
REVEALING ♪
♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪

REVEALING ♪
♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪
♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD

♪ THAN A DOWNRIGHT LIE? ♪
♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD
WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S

♪ AND DID YOU THINK YOUR HEAD
WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S
NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪

WAS HIP TO CERTAIN THINGS IT'S
NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

NOT EQUIPPED TO QUALIFY? ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH YOU
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET

♪ EVERYDAY'S A PERFECT DAY ♪
♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET
WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND YOU CAN GO YOUR OWN SWEET
WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

WAY IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ INVESTMENT WITH A GOOD RETURN
PROVIDES THE MEANS BY WHICH WE
EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪

PROVIDES THE MEANS BY WHICH WE
EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪
♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪

EARN OUR DAILY BREAD ♪
♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT

♪ INSISTING ON AN EQUAL CUT ♪
♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT
TO STAY AHEAD ♪

♪ SOME PEOPLE EVEN BUST A GUT
TO STAY AHEAD ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

TO STAY AHEAD ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND NO ONE HAS A LOT TO DO
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ IT'S A STRANGE WORLD WE
LIVE IN ♪
♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF

LIVE IN ♪
♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪

♪ AND SURELY WE'RE FORGIVEN IF
WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪
♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE

WE DON'T KNOW WHERE TO TURN ♪
♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE
BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪

♪ WITH PARADISE FOR HIRE ON THE
BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪
♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪

BACK STREETS OF DESIRE ♪
♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪

♪ WE ALL LIVE AND LEARN ♪
♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH

♪ ALL DAY LONG THE SKY IS BLUE ♪
♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH
YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYONE'S IN LOVE WITH
YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪

YOU IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH DEE DOO DAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN

♪ LAH-LAH-LAH, LAH-LAH ♪
♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN
SING ♪

♪ LOVERS DANCE AND CHILDREN
SING ♪
♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING

SING ♪
♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ AND EVERYBODY DOES THEIR THING
IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA

IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪
♪ SHANGRI-LA

IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪
♪ SHANGRI-LA
♪ OOH OOH ♪

♪ SHANGRI-LA
♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪

♪ OOH OOH ♪
♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪

♪ IN SHANGRI-LA ♪
♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE

♪ OOH OOH OOH ♪
♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪

♪ YOU CAN BE WHOEVER YOU ARE
IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

IN SHANGRI-LA-HA-HA-HA ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ WAH WAH WAH WAH WAH ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
[MUSIC STOPS]

[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[UP-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYING]

HAM SANDWICH BUCKET AND WATER
PLASTIC DUROLECTS, RUBBER
McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR.

PLASTIC DUROLECTS, RUBBER
McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR.
PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK

McFISHERIES UNDERWEAR.
PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK
CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN

PLUG RAPID EMULSIONS SEEK
CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN
KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY.

CUSTARD WITHOUT SUSTENANCE IN
KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY.
MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING

KIPLING DUFF GERIATRIC SCENERY.
MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING
DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE

MAXIMIZES PRESS INSULATING
DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE
CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY.

DEVILMENT GRUNTING SAPPHIRE
CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY.
BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY

CLUBS, INCIDENTALLY.
BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY
BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING

BUT TONIGHT SAM PAM BOMBAY
BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING
McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND

BERMUDA IN DIPHTHERIA RUSTING
McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND
FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY

McOUTLINE SPLENDOR, RABID AND
FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY
BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS

FUD-FUD-PHOOEY JOG STRABBEDLY
BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS
GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH

BIG BOWERLY OR RULE LINERS, MUSS
GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH
NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING

GREEN GAUGES MICTURATE, WITH
NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING
MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED.

NIPPLES AND TIPTOE RUSTING
MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.

MACHINERY RUSTICALLY INCLINED.
GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
HI.

GOOD EVENING AND WELCOME.
HI.
FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN

HI.
FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN
TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND?

FORESKIN VIEW MT. EVEREST TIN
TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND?
UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK.

TRAY LOBOTOMY IN ENGLAND?
UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK.
LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM

UM, SADDLEBACK, SADDLEBACK.
LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM
SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED

LUXURY BILLBOARD KETTLE BUM
SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED
BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE

SIFFERING SNUFF MASTICATED
BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE
ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID

BAHZIDE HANDSET LEMONADE
ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID
RUBBERIZED.

ENTERPRISINGLY APARTHEID
RUBBERIZED.
UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY

RUBBERIZED.
UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY
MUCKING SQUIRRELS.

UH, PLUM JOINT CURVACEOUSLY
MUCKING SQUIRRELS.
I SEE.

MUCKING SQUIRRELS.
I SEE.
RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING

I SEE.
RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING
HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM

RAPIDLY PIDDLE POP STRUMMING
HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM
DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS,

HANOVER PEACE PUDDING MOUSE DRUM
DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS,
PRESUMABLY.

DRINGLY CORRIDOR CABINETS,
PRESUMABLY.
SICK IN A CUP.

PRESUMABLY.
SICK IN A CUP.
DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND

SICK IN A CUP.
DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND
SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER

DOORJAMB WHISPER TAP SUNDERLAND
SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER
CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB

SHOWER CURTAIN ICE WALLPAPER
CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB
BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS...

CUPS GRANGINGLY RUBBER KING, RAB
BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS...
DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY.

BUTTOCK KISSING FEATHERS...
DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY.
DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED

DEFINITELY PHEASANTRY.
DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED
IN HER BOTTOM.

DAUGHTER SUCCESSFULLY DOUCHED
IN HER BOTTOM.
MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER?

IN HER BOTTOM.
MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER?
MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER.

MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER?
MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER.
SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY

MACHINE KISSED WITH BUTTER.
SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY
CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT

SO, NAIL ATTACKING BUTTERFLY
CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT
GALVANIZE SUGAR.

CLOUDS REPUTEDLY WITHOUT I MIGHT
GALVANIZE SUGAR.
ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH

GALVANIZE SUGAR.
ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH
FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY

ELBOW WRENCHINGLY HEARTFELT WITH
FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY
RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE

FOUR SLAIN PERSPICACIOUSLY
RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE
SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST

RATTLED MANDIBLES ON ASININE
SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST
THREE.

SHOESTRINGS DRAWN TWO, LOST
THREE.
BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE

THREE.
BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE
THEY'RE IN.

BUT A MACHISMO WHENEVER COBBLE
THEY'RE IN.
GOOD NIGHT.

THEY'RE IN.
GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT.
Announcer: TONIGHT HAM

GOOD NIGHT.
Announcer: TONIGHT HAM
WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN

Announcer: TONIGHT HAM
WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN
HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING

WRENCHING TONES ALAN McMULLEN
HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING
SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB.

HAVING SHARED GOOD HICCUPING
SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB.
PUPLEX GAVANITE HARVIUM BY REX

SNICKER NEATH THE THUMB.
PUPLEX GAVANITE HARVIUM BY REX
CRISPER.

[PLANE ENGINES HUMMING]

GOOD AFTERNOON, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME ABOARD
TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME ABOARD
TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET
SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO

TRANS EASTERN'S ROYAL LUAU JET
SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO
NEW YORK.

SERVICE FROM LOS ANGELES TO
NEW YORK.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS

NEW YORK.
I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR

I'D LIKE TO TAKE THIS
OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR
FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND

OPPORTUNITY TO THANK YOU ALL FOR
FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND
TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT.

FLYING TRANS EASTERN TODAY AND
TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT.
MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND

TO WISH YOU A PLEASANT FLIGHT.
MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND
I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN

MY NAME IS SHERRY NORWALK, AND
I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN
FIRST CLASS.

I'LL BE YOUR HOSTESS HERE IN
FIRST CLASS.
OUR CAPTAIN IS MR.

FIRST CLASS.
OUR CAPTAIN IS MR.
DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST

OUR CAPTAIN IS MR.
DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST
MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE.

DAVID HARBESON, AND OUR FIRST
MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE.
OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL

MATE IS PAUL McGUIRE.
OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL
BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND

OUR TWO FLIGHT ATTENDANTS WILL
BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND
PAM BOUCHER.

BE KAREN ASNOSKY AND
PAM BOUCHER.
WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE

PAM BOUCHER.
WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE
OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART...

WE'LL BE FLYING AT AN ALTITUDE
OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART...
DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO

OF 18,000 FOR THE FIRST PART...
DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO
WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING

DO YOU SUPPOSE WE COULD DO
WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING
TALK, PLEASE?

WITHOUT THE REST OF YOUR OPENING
TALK, PLEASE?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR.

TALK, PLEASE?
OH, CERTAINLY, SIR.
THANK YOU.

OH, CERTAINLY, SIR.
THANK YOU.
BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU

THANK YOU.
BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU
PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR

BUT WE MUST REQUEST THAT YOU
PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR
SEAT DURING TAKEOFF.

PUT YOUR HAND LUGGAGE UNDER YOUR
SEAT DURING TAKEOFF.
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I

SEAT DURING TAKEOFF.
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I
KEPT IT IN MY LAP?

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I
KEPT IT IN MY LAP?
OH, OF COURSE NOT.

KEPT IT IN MY LAP?
OH, OF COURSE NOT.
THANK YOU.

OH, OF COURSE NOT.
THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME.

THANK YOU.
EXCUSE ME.
I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR

EXCUSE ME.
I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR
GUN.

I COULDN'T HELP NOTICING YOUR
GUN.
OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38

GUN.
OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38
POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE

OH, YES, IT'S A COLT .38
POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE
TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD

POLICE SPECIAL WITH A 6-OUNCE
TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD
SLUGS.

TRIGGER PULL AND MERCURY-WAD
SLUGS.
REALLY?

SLUGS.
REALLY?
I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH &

REALLY?
I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH &
WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S...

I'VE GOT A .32-CALIBER SMITH &
WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S...
EXCUSE ME.

WESSON REVOLVER, AND IT'S...
EXCUSE ME.
MISS, OH, MISS?

EXCUSE ME.
MISS, OH, MISS?
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD

MISS, OH, MISS?
WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD
AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS

WOULD YOU MIND TERRIBLY IF I HAD
AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS
TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY?

AN EXTRA BAG OF MACADAMIA NUTS
TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY?
OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM.

TO TAKE MY NIECE IN GARDEN CITY?
OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM.
HERE YOU GO.

OH, CERTAINLY NOT, MA'AM.
HERE YOU GO.
AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF

HERE YOU GO.
AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF
HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF

AND HERE'S AN EXTRA SET OF
HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF
TRANS EASTERN.

HEADSETS, COMPLIMENTS OF
TRANS EASTERN.
UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS

TRANS EASTERN.
UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS
IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE

UH, MISS, EXCUSE ME, BUT IS
IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE
CAN?

IT OKAY IF I SMOKE A JOIN IN THE
CAN?
CERTAINLY.

CAN?
CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.

CERTAINLY.
THANK YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY

THANK YOU.
I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY
DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE,

I'M JUST GONNA LEAVE MY
DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE,
OKAY?

DOBERMAN HERE IN THE AISLE,
OKAY?
OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.

OKAY?
OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO.

OH, THAT'S QUITE ALL RIGHT.
I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO.
OKAY, BOY.

I DON'T SEE WHAT HARM IT'LL DO.
OKAY, BOY.
SIR, COULD I GET YOU A

OKAY, BOY.
SIR, COULD I GET YOU A
MAGAZINE?

SIR, COULD I GET YOU A
MAGAZINE?
WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND

MAGAZINE?
WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND
FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD.

WE HAVE U.S. NEWS WEEKLY AND
FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD.
IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?

FORBES AND BUSINESS WORLD.
IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?
YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR.

IS THAT ALL YOU HAVE?
YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR.
SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU

YES, I THINK THAT IS, SIR.
SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU
COULD FIND ME A COPY OF

SAY, DO YOU SUPPOSE THAT YOU
COULD FIND ME A COPY OF
HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS?

COULD FIND ME A COPY OF
HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS?
I'LL GO CHECK.

HUSTLERS OR PLAYERS?
I'LL GO CHECK.
THANK YOU.

I'LL GO CHECK.
THANK YOU.
OH, MISS?

THANK YOU.
OH, MISS?
WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU

OH, MISS?
WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU
THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO

WHEN THE MOVIE STARTS, DO YOU
THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO
KEEP IT IN FOCUS?

THINK IT WOULD BE POSSIBLE TO
KEEP IT IN FOCUS?
OH, NO PROBLEM.

KEEP IT IN FOCUS?
OH, NO PROBLEM.
I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS

OH, NO PROBLEM.
I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS
SOMETHING OTHER THAN

I'M PRETTY SURE IT WAS
SOMETHING OTHER THAN
"ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY

SOMETHING OTHER THAN
"ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY
AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK."

"ALEX AND THE GYPSY" OR "HARRY
AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK."
OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

AND WALTER GO TO NEW YORK."
OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
THANK YOU.

OH, NO TROUBLE AT ALL.
THANK YOU.
OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING...

THANK YOU.
OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING...
AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU

OH, OH, AND ONE MORE THING...
AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU
MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO

AS A SPECIAL FAVOR, WOULD YOU
MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO
POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN

MIND ASKING THE PILOT TO TO
POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE?

POINT OUT THE GRAND CANYON IN
THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE?
NOT AT ALL, MA'AM.

THE MIDDLE OF THE MOVIE?
NOT AT ALL, MA'AM.
HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR.

NOT AT ALL, MA'AM.
HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

HERE ARE YOUR MAGAZINES, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF
I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES

OH, UH, MISS, DO YOU MIND IF
I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES
THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK

I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE BESIDES
THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK
THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY

THAT PLASTIC SALISBURY STEAK
THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY
DOG?

THAT I WOULDN'T EVEN FEED MY
DOG?
OH, OF COURSE, SIR.

DOG?
OH, OF COURSE, SIR.
AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OH, OF COURSE, SIR.
AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HI, SHERRY.

AH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
HI, SHERRY.
HI.

HI, SHERRY.
HI.
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

HI.
OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JUST REMAIN CALM.

OKAY, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JUST REMAIN CALM.
I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU

JUST REMAIN CALM.
I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO.

I'M PREPARED TO TAKE YOU
WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO.
WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH

WHEREVER YOU WANT TO GO.
WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH
ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI.

WE HAVE ENOUGH FUEL TO REACH
ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI.
TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON

ALGIERS, BEIRUT, TRIPOLI.
TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON
SCHEDULE.

TAKE US TO NEW YORK ON
SCHEDULE.
[CHUCKLES]

SCHEDULE.
[CHUCKLES]
NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE.

[CHUCKLES]
NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.

NEW YORK ON SCHEDULE.
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.

I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT.
WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A

WE'VE NEVER DONE THAT BEFORE.
MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A
THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER

MY FLIGHT PLAN CALLED FOR A
THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER
KENNEDY.

THREE-HOUR STACK-UP OVER
KENNEDY.
WELL, JUST THIS ONCE,

KENNEDY.
WELL, JUST THIS ONCE,
COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON

WELL, JUST THIS ONCE,
COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON
TIME?

COULDN'T WE SIMPLY ARRIVE ON
TIME?
[Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO

TIME?
[Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO
THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I

[Laughing] WELL, I'LL RADIO
THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I
CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE

THE AIR CONTROLLER AND DO WHAT I
CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING.

CAN, BUT I CAN'T PROMISE
ANYTHING.
[CHUCKLES]

ANYTHING.
[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.

[CHUCKLES]
THANK YOU.
HI, SHERRY.

THANK YOU.
HI, SHERRY.
HI, CAPTAIN.

HI, SHERRY.
HI, CAPTAIN.
HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO

HI, CAPTAIN.
HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO
MAKE...

HERE'S A LITTLE PILLOW TO
MAKE...
SAY, AREN'T YOU THE

MAKE...
SAY, AREN'T YOU THE
STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE

SAY, AREN'T YOU THE
STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE
COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE?

STEWARDESS THAT DOES THE
COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE?
YES, THAT'S ME.

COMMERCIAL FOR THIS AIRLINE?
YES, THAT'S ME.
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.

YES, THAT'S ME.
OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

OH, GEE, I'D LOVE TO HEAR IT.
IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW?

IT'S ONE OF MY FAVORITES.
OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW?
I COULDN'T.

OH, RIGHT HERE, NOW?
I COULDN'T.
IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.

I COULDN'T.
IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.
OH, COME ON! PLEASE!

IT'S TOO EMBARRASSING.
OH, COME ON! PLEASE!
COME ON!

OH, COME ON! PLEASE!
COME ON!
COME ON!

COME ON!
COME ON!
I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT.

COME ON!
I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO NERVOUS.

I GUESS I COULD. ALL RIGHT.
I'M SO NERVOUS.
HI, I'M SHERRY.

I'M SO NERVOUS.
HI, I'M SHERRY.
STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU

HI, I'M SHERRY.
STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU
CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE.

STICK A GUN IN MY MOUTH, AND YOU
CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE.
AND AT TRANS EASTERN, WE GIVE

CAN FLY ME ANYWHERE.
AND AT TRANS EASTERN, WE GIVE
YOU YOUR OWN GUN.

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN, HERE'S
ALAN PRICE.
[ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE

ALAN PRICE.
[ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE
THESE" PLAYING]

[ALAN PRICE'S "IN TIMES LIKE
THESE" PLAYING]
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

[THESE" PLAYING]
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪

♪ NOW, ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪
♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪

♪ WAH WAH WAH ♪
♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪
♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪

♪ WHEN FOLKS NEXT DOOR ♪
♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪
♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪

♪ HELP YOU RAISE A SMILE ♪
♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪
♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪

♪ IT MAKES YOU FORGET ♪
♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪
♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE

♪ YOUR TROUBLES FOR AWHILE ♪
♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE
FOR ♪

♪ NOW, THAT'S WHAT FRIENDS ARE
FOR ♪
♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪

FOR ♪
♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪
♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪

♪ I TOLD YOU BEFORE ♪
♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪
♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T

♪ WAH WAH AND DOO WAH ♪
♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T
GO FAR ♪

♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T
GO FAR ♪
♪ GO FAR ♪

GO FAR ♪
♪ GO FAR ♪
♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF

♪ GO FAR ♪
♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF
JAM JARS ♪

♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF
JAM JARS ♪
♪ JAM JARS ♪

JAM JARS ♪
♪ JAM JARS ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE

♪ JAM JARS ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE
TABLE ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE
TABLE ♪
♪ TABLE ♪

TABLE ♪
♪ TABLE ♪
♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE

♪ TABLE ♪
♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE
ABLE ♪

♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE
ABLE ♪
♪ ABLE ♪

ABLE ♪
♪ ABLE ♪
♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪

♪ ABLE ♪
♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪
♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪

♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪
♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪

♪ THAT WE ARE ALL ALONE ♪
♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE

♪ IT'S JUST NOT TRUE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE
IT ♪

♪ 'CAUSE SOMEONE MUST HAVE DONE
IT ♪
♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪

IT ♪
♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪
♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪

♪ WITH SOMEBODY ELSE AROUND ♪
♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪
♪ DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? ♪

♪ YOU WOULDN'T BE HERE ♪
♪ DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR? ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BREAK]

♪ AND WHEN THE MONEY DOESN'T
GO FAR ♪
♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF

GO FAR ♪
♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF
JAM JARS ♪

♪ WE END UP DRINKING OUT OF
JAM JARS ♪
♪ JAM JARS ♪

JAM JARS ♪
♪ JAM JARS ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE

♪ JAM JARS ♪
♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE
TABLE ♪

♪ WHEN THERE'S MEAT ON THE
TABLE ♪
♪ TABLE ♪

TABLE ♪
♪ TABLE ♪
♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE

♪ TABLE ♪
♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE
ABLE ♪

♪ WE LIVE AS WELL AS WE ARE
ABLE ♪
♪ ABLE ♪

ABLE ♪
♪ ABLE ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ ABLE ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪

♪ IT'S GOOD TO HAVE A FRIEND ♪
♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪

♪ IN TIMES LIKE THESE ♪
♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ON WHOM YOU CAN DEPEND ON ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ OH, FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪

♪ FOR A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪
♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪

♪ ISN'T IT GRAND? ♪
♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ OH OH OH ♪

♪ WE ALL NEED A HELPING HAND ♪
♪ OH OH OH ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]

♪ OH OH OH ♪
[MUSIC STOPS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

YES, CLIVE. NO, CLIVE.
SORRY, CLI... WELL, WELCOME BACK
TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON,

SORRY, CLI... WELL, WELCOME BACK
TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON,
WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS

TO THE GREAT BRITAIN TELETHON,
WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS
IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED

WHERE I'M AFRAID THE LATEST NEWS
IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED
FOR HIS MONEY BACK.

IS THAT CLIVE DAVIS HAS ASKED
FOR HIS MONEY BACK.
SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE

FOR HIS MONEY BACK.
SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE
TOTAL.

SO LET'S HAVE A LOOK AT THE
TOTAL.
YES.

TOTAL.
YES.
WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK

YES.
WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK
OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR

WELL, WE HAVE GOT A WHOLE BANK
OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR
THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF

OF 20 TELEPHONES HERE OPEN FOR
THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF
DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO

THE LAST FINAL RUSH OF
DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO
YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW.

DONATIONS, IF YOU WILL RUSH TO
YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW.
SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH

YOUR PHONES RIGHT NOW.
SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH
YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S

SO WHILST YOU'RE RINGING IN WITH
YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S
BILL MURRAY.

YOUR LAST-MINUTE PLEDGES, HERE'S
BILL MURRAY.
BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR

BILL MURRAY.
BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR
US?

BILL, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO FOR
US?
TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND,

US?
TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND,
I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF

TO RAISE MONEY FOR ENGLAND,
I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF
GRAPE JUICE, ERIC.

I'M GONNA CHUG THIS BOTTLE OF
GRAPE JUICE, ERIC.
WONDERFUL.

GRAPE JUICE, ERIC.
WONDERFUL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL

WONDERFUL.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL
MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, BILL
MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE
ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART

MURRAY WILL NOW CHUG-A-LUG THE
ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART
BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE.

ENTIRE CONTENTS OF A QUART
BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE.
CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL,

BOTTLE OF GRAPE JUICE.
CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL,
PLEASE?

CAN I HAVE A DRUM ROLL,
PLEASE?
[DRUM ROLL]

PLEASE?
[DRUM ROLL]
I CAN'T FINISH IT.

[DRUM ROLL]
I CAN'T FINISH IT.
TERRIFIC.

I CAN'T FINISH IT.
TERRIFIC.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

[TELEPHONES RINGING]
[INDISTINCT SPEAKING]
WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN

[INDISTINCT SPEAKING]
WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN
AWAY, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY

WELL, WHILST YOU'VE BEEN
AWAY, THINGS HAVE CERTAINLY
PERKED UP A BIT HERE.

THE TOTAL NOW IS $35 MILLION,

PLUS JOHN BELUSHI'S VEST.

THIS IS, IN FACT, THANKS TO THE

LATE SALE.

EXXON STEPPED IN AND, IN FACT,

BOUGHT THE QUEEN.

WE HAVEN'T CLINCHED THE DEAL, SO
IF ANYBODY, ANY CORPORATIONS ARE
WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD

IF ANYBODY, ANY CORPORATIONS ARE
WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A

WATCHING IN... AT&T... WHO WOULD
LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A
LOT OF EXPERIENCE.

LIKE TO HAVE A QUEEN, SHE HAS A
LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK

LOT OF EXPERIENCE.
THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK
OVER MANY YEARS.

THE MONARCHY'S STRETCHED BACK
OVER MANY YEARS.
PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE

OVER MANY YEARS.
PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE
NUMBERS.

PLEASE RING IN, AND HERE ARE THE
NUMBERS.
CAN WE MAKE SOME

NUMBERS.
CAN WE MAKE SOME
LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS?

CAN WE MAKE SOME
LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS?
NOT ON THIS PHONE.

LONG-DISTANCE PHONE CALLS?
NOT ON THIS PHONE.
CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME.

NOT ON THIS PHONE.
CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME.
OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF

CALL ON YOUR OWN TIME.
OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF
YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS

OH, JUST A REMINDER TO ALL OF
YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS
BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00.

YOU... PLEASE PUT YOUR CLOCKS
BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00.
WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL

BACK THIS EVENING AT 2:00.
WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL
BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL

WE'LL BE LOSING AN... NO, WE'LL
BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL
BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS

BE GAINING... WE'LL BE... WE'LL
BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS
FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO.

BE... ALL RIGHT, PUT YOUR CLOCKS
FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO.
PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00...

FORWARD AT 2:00 TO 1:00... NO.
PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00...
IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD

PUT YOUR CLOCKS BACK TO 2:00...
IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD
TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF...

IF YOU PUT YOUR CLOCKS FORWARD
TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF...
ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS

TO 2:00, YOU LOSE... IF...
ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS
UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT

ANYWAY, JUST PUT YOUR CLOCKS
UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT
THEM.

UNDER YOUR BED AND FORGET ABOUT
THEM.
WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT?

THEM.
WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT?
WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR

WHY IS IT ALWAYS SATURDAY NIGHT?
WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR
ON SATURDAY NIGHT?

WHY DO THEY ALWAYS LOSE AN HOUR
ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY

ON SATURDAY NIGHT?
WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY
MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING

WHY CAN'T IT BE BLOODY MONDAY
MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING
ANYTHING?

MORNING, WHEN YOU'RE NOT DOING
ANYTHING?
WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00

ANYTHING?
WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00
YOU LOSE AN HOUR?

WHY CAN'T IT BE 10:00 AND 11:00
YOU LOSE AN HOUR?
NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT,

YOU LOSE AN HOUR?
NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT,
WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING

NO, IT HAS TO BE SATURDAY NIGHT,
WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING
SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW?

WHEN YOU MIGHT BE CHATTING
SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW?
YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL

SOMEBODY UP, YOU KNOW?
YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL
BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00.

YOU MIGHT BE DOING QUITE WELL
BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00.
SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS

BETWEEN 2:00 AND 3:00.
SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS
WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH,

SHE SAYS, "DARLING, THAT WAS
WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH,
YES."

WONDERFUL," AND YOU SAY, "OH,
YES."
SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?"

YES."
SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?"
AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE

SHE SAYS, "WHAT'S THE TIME?"
AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE
TIME?

AND YOU SAY, "BLIMEY, WHAT'S THE
TIME?
IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00."

TIME?
IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00."
SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST

IT'S 5 MINUTES PAST 3:00."
SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST
IT'S EVER BEEN FOR ME."

SHE SAYS, "OH, THAT'S THE BEST
IT'S EVER BEEN FOR ME."
YEAH? YEAH?

GOOD NIGHT.

OH, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: "SATURDAY NIGHT"

WILL RETURN THREE WEEKS FROM

TONIGHT, WHEN OUR HOST WILL BE

SHELLEY DUVALL, WITH MUSICAL

GUEST JOAN ARMATRADING.

REMEMBER... TONIGHT SET YOUR

CLOCK FORWARD ONE HOUR.

IF YOU HAVE NO CLOCK, JUST COUNT

SLOWLY TO 3,600 AND START YOUR

DAY FROM THERE.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING

GOODBYE.