Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 2, Episode 10 - Candice Bergen/Frank Zappa - full transcript

The host for the episode is Candice Bergen (her third appearance), and the musical guest is Frank Zappa. The skits for this episode are as follows: For the opening, Patty Hearst enjoys a Christmas back with her family. Instead of ...

OH, PATTY, I'M SO HAPPY YOU
DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND THE
HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON.

DIDN'T HAVE TO SPEND THE
HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON.
ME TOO, SIS.

HOLIDAYS IN THAT AWFUL PRISON.
ME TOO, SIS.
WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL.

ME TOO, SIS.
WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL.
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE

WELL, I'M VERY THANKFUL.
WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE
THANKFUL FOR.

WE HAVE SO MUCH TO BE
THANKFUL FOR.
THE WORST IS OVER.

THANKFUL FOR.
THE WORST IS OVER.
YOU'RE HOME.

THE WORST IS OVER.
YOU'RE HOME.
AND WE'RE STILL RICH.

YOU'RE HOME.
AND WE'RE STILL RICH.
OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.

AND WE'RE STILL RICH.
OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.
WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE

OKAY, NOW, LOOK AT THIS.
WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE
BOARD HERE.



WE'VE GOT "SHELTER" ON THE
BOARD HERE.
SO, THAT'S "T"...

BOARD HERE.
SO, THAT'S "T"...
"A"...

SO, THAT'S "T"...
"A"...
"X."

"A"...
"X."
"TAX SHELTER."

"X."
"TAX SHELTER."
A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X."

"TAX SHELTER."
A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X."
THAT'S 44 POINTS.

A TRIPLE-WORD SCORE ON THE "X."
THAT'S 44 POINTS.
[CHUCKLES]

THAT'S 44 POINTS.
[CHUCKLES]
VERY GOOD, RANDY.

[CHUCKLES]
VERY GOOD, RANDY.
NOW, LET'S SEE.

VERY GOOD, RANDY.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
THAT'S FATHER... 391.

NOW, LET'S SEE.
THAT'S FATHER... 391.
MOTHER, 304.

THAT'S FATHER... 391.
MOTHER, 304.
ANNE... YOU HAVE 217.

MOTHER, 304.
ANNE... YOU HAVE 217.
AND PATTY, 37.

ANNE... YOU HAVE 217.
AND PATTY, 37.
WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT



AND PATTY, 37.
WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
SCRABBLE.

WELL, I'M NOT VERY GOOD AT
SCRABBLE.
YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER

SCRABBLE.
YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER
WORDS, PATTY.

YOU SHOULD TRY FOR LONGER
WORDS, PATTY.
I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T

WORDS, PATTY.
I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T
GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS.

I MEAN, "PIG" AND "GUN" AREN'T
GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.

GONNA GET YOU MANY POINTS.
GO AHEAD, HONEY.
IT'S YOUR TURN.

GO AHEAD, HONEY.
IT'S YOUR TURN.
[SIGHS] OKAY.

IT'S YOUR TURN.
[SIGHS] OKAY.
THERE.

[SIGHS] OKAY.
THERE.
WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO

THERE.
WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO
BE?

WHAT'S THAT WORD SUPPOSED TO
BE?
"SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW."

BE?
"SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW."
YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A.

"SLAW," LIKE IN "COLESLAW."
YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A.
CHEATER!

YOU DON'T SPELL "SLAW" S-L-A.
CHEATER!
OH, YOU STOP IT!

CHEATER!
OH, YOU STOP IT!
OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS.

OH, YOU STOP IT!
OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS.
THERE, THERE, REALLY.

OH, NOW, COME ON, GIRLS.
THERE, THERE, REALLY.
NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING.

THERE, THERE, REALLY.
NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING.
SHE'S JUST CONFUSED.

NOW, ANNE, PATTY'S NOT CHEATING.
SHE'S JUST CONFUSED.
OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED.

SHE'S JUST CONFUSED.
OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED.
IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND

OH, PATTY'S CONFUSED.
IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND
"PATTY" THAT.

IT'S ALWAYS "PATTY" THIS AND
"PATTY" THAT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL

"PATTY" THAT.
YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL
VICTIM IS?

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHO THE REAL
VICTIM IS?
ME! ME! ME!

VICTIM IS?
ME! ME! ME!
COME ON, GIRLS.

ME! ME! ME!
COME ON, GIRLS.
HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S

COME ON, GIRLS.
HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S
FAVORITE.

HERE COMES MISS PATTY'S
FAVORITE.
EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN.

FAVORITE.
EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN.
THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.

EGGNOG ALA FRANKLIN.
THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST.

THANK YOU, FRANKLIN.
YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST.
MMM. IT'S GOOD.

YOU'RE WELCOME, MISS HEARST.
MMM. IT'S GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

MMM. IT'S GOOD.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
FRANKLIN.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
FRANKLIN.
FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL

FRANKLIN.
FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL
EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY?

FRANKLIN, DO YOU FEEL
EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY?
UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST.

EXPLOITED BY MY FAMILY?
UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST.
I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED.

UH... WHY, NO, MISS HEARST.
I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED.
FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF.

I DON'T FEEL EXPLOITED.
FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF.
YOU DESERVE IT.

FRANKLIN, TAKE NEXT WEEK OFF.
YOU DESERVE IT.
THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU DESERVE IT.
THANK YOU, SIR.
WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE

THANK YOU, SIR.
WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE
SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX

WHY DON'T WE PUT AWAY THE
SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX
WITH SOME TV?

SCRABBLE GAME AND JUST RELAX
WITH SOME TV?
GOOD IDEA.

WITH SOME TV?
GOOD IDEA.
LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV.

GOOD IDEA.
LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]

LET'S ESCAPE INTO THE TV.
[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A

[UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYING]
TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A
WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS

TONIGHT ON "S.W.A.T.," A
WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS
KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST

WEALTHY NEWSPAPER HEIRESS IS
KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST
GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D...

KIDNAPPED BY A RADICAL TERRORIST
GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D...
A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE

GROUP, RANSOM FOR A CHINA D...
A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE
UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK

A KIDNAP VICTIM BECOMES THE
UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK
ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..."

UNWILLING ACCOMPLICE IN A BANK
ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..."
TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS,"

ROBBERY ON "HAWAII..."
TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS,"
ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN

TONIGHT ON "CINEMA CLASSICS,"
ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN
KANE."

ORSON WELLES' IMMORTAL "CITIZEN
KANE."
WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY

KANE."
WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY
HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA.

WE AT KNOO FEEL THAT PATTY
HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA.
WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD

HAS BEEN EXPLOITED BY THE MEDIA.
WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD
BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO

WHERE IS THE DECENCY THAT SHOULD
BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO
HAS UNDERGONE S...

BE AFFORDED THIS YOUNG GIRL WHO
HAS UNDERGONE S...
WHAT SHOW IS THIS?

HAS UNDERGONE S...
WHAT SHOW IS THIS?
OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY

WHAT SHOW IS THIS?
OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY
NIGHT."

OH, IT'S NBC's "SATURDAY
NIGHT."
IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.

NIGHT."
IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME

IT'S MY FAVORITE SHOW.
I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME
IN PRISON.

I USED TO WATCH IT ALL THE TIME
IN PRISON.
I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT

IN PRISON.
I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT
BEING TASTEFUL.

I COULD ALWAYS DEPEND ON IT
BEING TASTEFUL.
OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART,

BEING TASTEFUL.
OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART,
WHERE THEY SAY...

OH, HERE'S MY FAVORITE PART,
WHERE THEY SAY...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

WHERE THEY SAY...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

Advertise your product or brand here
contact www.OpenSubtitles.org today

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY
NIGHT"...
STARRING CANDICE BERGEN...

WITH HER SPECIAL GUEST,
FRANK ZAPPA...

AND THE
NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME
PLAYERS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CANDICE BERGEN!

CANDY?
THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT.

THEY'RE WAITING FOR YOU.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT.
THE SHOW'S STARTED.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME OUT.
THE SHOW'S STARTED.
UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT,

THE SHOW'S STARTED.
UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT,
JANE.

UM... I-I REALLY CAN'T DO IT,
JANE.
I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED.

JANE.
I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED.
CANDY, THAT'S SILLY!

I'M JUST TOO FRIGHTENED.
CANDY, THAT'S SILLY!
YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND

CANDY, THAT'S SILLY!
YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND
IT WAS GREAT.

YOU'VE DONE THE SHOW BEFORE, AND
IT WAS GREAT.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY

IT WAS GREAT.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY
DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE.

WELL, IT'S JUST THAT I ONLY
DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE.
DON'T YOU SEE?

DID IT TO BE CLOSE TO HIM, JANE.
DON'T YOU SEE?
WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T

DON'T YOU SEE?
WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T
AFRAID OF ANYTHING!

WHEN I WAS WITH HIM, I WASN'T
AFRAID OF ANYTHING!
CANDY, FORGET HIM,

AFRAID OF ANYTHING!
CANDY, FORGET HIM,
HE'S NOT WORTH IT.

CANDY, FORGET HIM,
HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY

HE'S NOT WORTH IT.
NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY
JOHN BELUSHI.

NO MAN IS, ESPECIALLY
JOHN BELUSHI.
I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE.

JOHN BELUSHI.
I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE.
WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER.

I CAN'T FORGET HIM, JANE.
WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER.
WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE

WE SHARED SO MUCH TOGETHER.
WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE
HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.

WHEN HE HELD ME IN HIS ARMS, WE
HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.
CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU

HAD SOMETHING SPECIAL.
CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU
FELT.

CANDY, THAT WAS CELLULITE YOU
FELT.
IT'S NOT CELLULITE.

FELT.
IT'S NOT CELLULITE.
JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE

IT'S NOT CELLULITE.
JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE
ON TELEVISION.

JOHN JUST GIVES THAT APPEARANCE
ON TELEVISION.
HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME.

ON TELEVISION.
HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50

HE EXPLAINED IT TO ME.
THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50
POUNDS HEAVIER.

THE CAMERA MAKES HIM LOOK 50
POUNDS HEAVIER.
JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

POUNDS HEAVIER.
JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S JOHN AGAIN.

JANE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?
IT'S JOHN AGAIN.
[SIGHS]

IT'S JOHN AGAIN.
[SIGHS]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.

[SIGHS]
I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI

I DON'T UNDERSTAND IT.
WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI
HAS OVER WOMEN?

WHAT IS THIS POWER THAT BELUSHI
HAS OVER WOMEN?
THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND

HAS OVER WOMEN?
THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND
ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER

THEY GO BONKERS OVER HIM, AND
ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER
THEM.

ALL HE DOES IS WALK ALL OVER
THEM.
SHE WON'T COME OUT?

THEM.
SHE WON'T COME OUT?
NO.

SHE WON'T COME OUT?
NO.
I'LL FIND JOHN.

NO.
I'LL FIND JOHN.
OKAY.

I'LL FIND JOHN.
OKAY.
STAY WITH CANDY.

OKAY.
STAY WITH CANDY.
OKAY.

STAY WITH CANDY.
OKAY.
CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO

OKAY.
CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO
YOURSELF.

CANDY, LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO
YOURSELF.
I DON'T CARE, JANE.

YOURSELF.
I DON'T CARE, JANE.
WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO

I DON'T CARE, JANE.
WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO
ME?

WHY WON'T JOHN AT LEAST TALK TO
ME?
BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL.

ME?
BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL.
I KNOW.

BECAUSE HE'S AN ANIMAL.
I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.

I KNOW.
THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.
CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD.

THAT'S WHY I LOVE HIM.
CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD.
HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY

CANDY, HE'S NO GOOD.
HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY
SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK.

HE'S HAD HIS WAY WITH EVERY
SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK.
WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS

SINGLE WOMAN ON THIS NETWORK.
WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS
LEFT?

WHY DO YOU THINK BARBARA WALTERS
LEFT?
IT WASN'T MONEY.

LEFT?
IT WASN'T MONEY.
IT WAS BELUSHI.

IT WASN'T MONEY.
IT WAS BELUSHI.
CANDY, COME ON.

IT WAS BELUSHI.
CANDY, COME ON.
PLEASE?

CANDY, COME ON.
PLEASE?
I'M SORRY, JANE.

PLEASE?
I'M SORRY, JANE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR

I'M SORRY, JANE.
I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR
YOU, ALL RIGHT?

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS FOR
YOU, ALL RIGHT?
GO AWAY!

YOU, ALL RIGHT?
GO AWAY!
CANDY?

GO AWAY!
CANDY?
GET OUT HERE.

CANDY?
GET OUT HERE.
JOHN?

GET OUT HERE.
JOHN?
OH, JOHN.

JOHN?
OH, JOHN.
CANDY.

OH, JOHN.
CANDY.
LISTEN, CANDY, BABY.

CANDY.
LISTEN, CANDY, BABY.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT

LISTEN, CANDY, BABY.
I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT
IT'S OVER.

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL, BUT... BUT
IT'S OVER.
IT CAN'T BE.

IT'S OVER.
IT CAN'T BE.
YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL.

IT CAN'T BE.
YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL.
LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING.

YOU'RE JUST ANGRY, THAT'S ALL.
LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING.
I DON'T CARE!

LISTEN, JOHN, I'LL DO ANYTHING.
I DON'T CARE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T CARE!
WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY.

WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?
IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY.
IT'S ME.

IT'S NOT YOU, CANDY.
IT'S ME.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL

IT'S ME.
HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL
YOU?

HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL
YOU?
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.

YOU?
IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?

IT'S FOR YOUR OWN GOOD.
DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'LL ONLY HURT YOU!

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?
I'LL ONLY HURT YOU!
I KNOW, I KNOW!

I'LL ONLY HURT YOU!
I KNOW, I KNOW!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN!

I KNOW, I KNOW!
THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN!
JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A

THAT'S WHAT I WANT, JOHN!
JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A
DOZEN.

JOHN, NICE GUYS ARE A DIME A
DOZEN.
I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL!

DOZEN.
I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL!
AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE

I'M ATTRACTED TO... SWILL!
AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW.

AH, I WOULDN'T BELIEVE
ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW.
YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT

ANYTHING YOU TOLD ME RIGHT NOW.
YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT
YOU WANT.

YOU'D SAY ANYTHING TO GET WHAT
YOU WANT.
JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK

YOU WANT.
JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK
ABOUT US?

JOHN, CAN'T YOU JUST THINK
ABOUT US?
THERE IS NO US, CANDY.

ABOUT US?
THERE IS NO US, CANDY.
ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS

THERE IS NO US, CANDY.
ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS
YOURSELF!

ALL YOU CAN THINK ABOUT IS
YOURSELF!
ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU

YOURSELF!
ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU
JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF

ONE WOMAN HURTS YOU, AND YOU
JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF
THE WORLD!

JUST TAKE IT OUT ON THE REST OF
THE WORLD!
YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING!

THE WORLD!
YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING!
I'M SORRY, JOHN.

YOU'RE A COWARD AND A WEAKLING!
I'M SORRY, JOHN.
I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M SORRY, JOHN.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.

I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY.
DID I HURT YOU?

I'M REALLY SORRY.
DID I HURT YOU?
YES, VERY MUCH.

DID I HURT YOU?
YES, VERY MUCH.
I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY.

YES, VERY MUCH.
I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY.
YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING

I REALLY... I'M SO SORRY.
YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO HURT YOU.

YOU KNOW I'D NEVER DO ANYTHING
TO HURT YOU.
YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER

TO HURT YOU.
YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER
LOVED.

YOU'RE THE FIRST MAN I'VE EVER
LOVED.
YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO.

LOVED.
YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO.
THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT

YES, AND I LOVE YOU, TOO.
THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT
THERE ON THAT STAGE.

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO GET YOU OUT
THERE ON THAT STAGE.
ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT

THERE ON THAT STAGE.
ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME GO?

ARE YOU NOT JUST SAYING THAT
TO MAKE ME GO?
I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S

TO MAKE ME GO?
I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S
THE TRUTH, SANDY!

I'M SAYING THAT BECAUSE IT'S
THE TRUTH, SANDY!
CANDY.

THE TRUTH, SANDY!
CANDY.
CANDY.

CANDY.
CANDY.
IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT.

CANDY.
IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT.
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE.

IT'S THE TRUTH, AND YOU KNOW IT.
YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE.
["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS]

YOU HAVE TO GET OUT THERE.
["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS]
NOW, LISTEN.

["AS TIME GOES BY" PLAYS]
NOW, LISTEN.
LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING

NOW, LISTEN.
LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING
NOBLE.

LOOK, I'M NO GOOD AT BEING
NOBLE.
BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE

NOBLE.
BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE
THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE

BUT IT DOESN'T TAKE MUCH TO SEE
THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE
PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF

THAT THE PROBLEMS OF TWO LITTLE
PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF
BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.

PEOPLE DON'T AMOUNT TO A HILL OF
BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH

BEANS IN THIS CRAZY WORLD.
YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH
KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT

YOU SEE, INSIDE OF US, WE BOTH
KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT
STAGE.

KNOW THAT YOU BELONG UP ON THAT
STAGE.
YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE

STAGE.
YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE
THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING.

YOU'RE PART OF THE SHOW, THE
THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING.
AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND

THING THAT KEEPS IT GOING.
AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND
YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET

AND IF THAT SHOW STARTS AND
YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET
IT.

YOU'RE NOT ON IT, YOU'LL REGRET
IT.
I WON'T.

IT.
I WON'T.
NO, I...

I WON'T.
NO, I...
MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT

NO, I...
MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT
TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE

MAYBE NOT NOW, MAYBE NOT
TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE.

TOMORROW, BUT SOON AND FOR THE
REST OF YOUR LIFE.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER]

REST OF YOUR LIFE.
[AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER]
THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW

[AIRPLANE ENGINE TURNS OVER]
THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW
DEPARTING.

THE LAST PLANE FOR LISBON NOW
DEPARTING.
UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN?

DEPARTING.
UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN?
WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS...

UM... WHAT ABOUT US, JOHN?
WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS...
AND THE MUPPETS.

WELL, WE STILL HAVE PARIS...
AND THE MUPPETS.
WELL...

AND THE MUPPETS.
WELL...
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.

WELL...
HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
YOU BETTER GO.

HERE'S LOOKING AT YOU, KID.
YOU BETTER GO.
HI, LOUIE.

YOU BETTER GO.
HI, LOUIE.
["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES]

HI, LOUIE.
["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES]
GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK,

["AS TIME GOES BY" CONTINUES]
GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK,
MISS ILSA.

GOOD MORNING, MR. RICK,
MISS ILSA.
HELLO, SAM.

MISS ILSA.
HELLO, SAM.
BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER.

HELLO, SAM.
BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER.
LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE

BOY, YOU SOUND AS GOOD AS EVER.
LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE
UP FOR THE NIGHT.

LISTEN UP, SAM, YOU CAN CLOSE
UP FOR THE NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK.

UP FOR THE NIGHT.
ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK.
LISTEN, UH... CANDY.

ALL RIGHT, MR. RICK.
LISTEN, UH... CANDY.
YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE...

LISTEN, UH... CANDY.
YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE...
JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN

YOU DO A GOOD SHOW, AND MAYBE...
JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN
HAVE A DRINK LATER.

JUST MAYBE... AFTERWARDS, WE CAN
HAVE A DRINK LATER.
MY PLACE?

HAVE A DRINK LATER.
MY PLACE?
THAT'S FINE.

MY PLACE?
THAT'S FINE.
THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN

THAT'S FINE.
THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP.

THE THING IS, I DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP.
YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR.

KNOW IF YOU'RE GONNA SHOW UP.
YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR.
YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH.

YOU'RE SUCH A FILTHY LIAR.
YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU,

YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ME THE TRUTH.
I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU,
JOHN.

I GUESS THAT'S WHY I NEED YOU,
JOHN.
I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START

JOHN.
I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START
OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.

I THINK THIS COULD BE THE START
OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

OF... OF A BEAUTIFUL FRIENDSHIP.
AND WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.

GOOD EVENING, MY FELLOW
AMERICANS.
IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR

AMERICANS.
IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR
PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP

IF YOU REMEMBER MY CAMPAIGN FOR
PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP
EVERY PROMISE I MADE.

PRESIDENT, I PROMISED TO KEEP
EVERY PROMISE I MADE.
TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU

EVERY PROMISE I MADE.
TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT

TONIGHT, I'M HERE TO TELL YOU
THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT
WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.

THAT, WELL, UNFORTUNATELY, THAT
WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO

WILL BE IMPOSSIBLE.
YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO
INFORMATION THAT ONLY A

YOU SEE, I'M NOW PRIVY TO
INFORMATION THAT ONLY A
PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M

INFORMATION THAT ONLY A
PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M
BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW

PRESIDENT IS PRIVY TO, AND I'M
BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW
GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS

BEGINNING TO APPRECIATE JUST HOW
GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS
BEEN.

GOOD A PRESIDENT GERALD FORD HAS
BEEN.
CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH

BEEN.
CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH
ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR

CONSIDERING TODAY'S HARSH
ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR
EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD

ECONOMIC REALITIES... FOR
EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD
BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND

EXAMPLE, I PROMISED THAT I WOULD
BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND
REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT.

BOTH BALANCE THE BUDGET AND
REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT.
WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE.

REDUCE UNEMPLOYMENT.
WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE.
NO WAY.

WELL, IT SIMPLY CAN'T BE DONE.
NO WAY.
IT JUST LOOKS BAD.

NO WAY.
IT JUST LOOKS BAD.
IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS

IT JUST LOOKS BAD.
IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS
AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION

IF YOU COULD SEE ALL THE PAPERS
AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION
THAT I READ... WELL, AS

AND THE BRIEFS AND INFORMATION
THAT I READ... WELL, AS
BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY

THAT I READ... WELL, AS
BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY
MIND."

BOB DYLAN SAID, "IT BLOWS MY
MIND."
NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE

MIND."
NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE
ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN.

NOW, LOOK... THE ECONOMY OF THE
ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN.
NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE

ENTIRE WORLD IS IN A TAILSPIN.
NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE
ANSWERS.

NOW, I DON'T HAVE ALL THE
ANSWERS.
I NEVER DID.

ANSWERS.
I NEVER DID.
BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO

I NEVER DID.
BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO
SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY.

BUT I HAVE DEVELOPED A PLAN TO
SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY.
BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT

SAVE THE WORLD ECONOMY.
BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT
LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED,

BUT THAT'S GONNA TAKE ME AT
LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED,
BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE

LEAST FOUR YEARS TO GET STARTED,
BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE
PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.

BECAUSE, AFTER ALL, I'M NOT THE
PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.
SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START

PRESIDENT OF THE WORLD.
SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START
IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF

SO, DON'T EXPECT THINGS TO START
IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF
MY SECOND TERM.

IMPROVING UNTIL THE BEGINNING OF
MY SECOND TERM.
BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984,

MY SECOND TERM.
BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984,
WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED

BUT I DO PROMISE THAT, BY 1984,
WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED
BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT.

WELL, WE'LL HAVE A BALANCED
BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT.
AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT!

BUDGET AND FULL EMPLOYMENT.
AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT!
I LOVE YOU ALL.

AND YOU CAN DEPEND ON IT!
I LOVE YOU ALL.
GOD BLESS.

I LOVE YOU ALL.
GOD BLESS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND THANK YOU

GOD BLESS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, AND THANK YOU
FOR MAKING ME YOUR PRESIDENT!

I'M NEXT!
ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO
THIS?

ARE YOU SURE YOU WANT TO DO
THIS?
SURE! YOU KNOW.

THIS?
SURE! YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY.

SURE! YOU KNOW.
I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY.
THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING

I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY.
THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING
TO ME.

THIS TIME OF YEAR DOES SOMETHING
TO ME.
I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.

TO ME.
I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.
MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH.

I FEEL LIKE A LITTLE KID.
MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH.
WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.

MAKE IT QUICK, THOUGH.
WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.
OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE.

WE GOT A LOT OF SHOPPING TO DO.
OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE.
WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT?

OH, DON'T BE SUCH A SCROOGE.
WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT?
AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS!

WHERE'S YOUR SPIRIT?
AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY!

AHH, MERRY CHRISTMAS!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY!
I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, LITTLE BOBBY!
I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.
OHH.

I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.
OHH.
HERE YOU GO.

OHH.
HERE YOU GO.
HO HO HO.

HERE YOU GO.
HO HO HO.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!

HO HO HO.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RELAX!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
RELAX!
I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.

RELAX!
I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS?

I SAID I'LL ONLY BE A MINUTE.
WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S FOR PROTECTION.

WHAT IS THIS?
IT'S FOR PROTECTION.
TOILET TISSUE?

IT'S FOR PROTECTION.
TOILET TISSUE?
YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF

TOILET TISSUE?
YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF
SANTI-WRAP?

YOU MEAN, YOU HAVEN'T HEARD OF
SANTI-WRAP?
SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP,

SANTI-WRAP?
SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP,
THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND

SURE, IT'S SANTI-WRAP,
THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND
HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF

THE COLORFUL, DECORATIVE, AND
HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF
FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES

HYGIENIC WAY TO PROTECT YOURSELF
FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES
OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS.

FROM GERMS CARRIED BY THE LIKES
OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS.
HO HO HO.

OF A PART-TIME SANTA CLAUS.
HO HO HO.
LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY.

HO HO HO.
LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY.
HE'S SMART.

LOOK, HE'S SO JOLLY.
HE'S SMART.
HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN

HE'S SMART.
HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN
SLEEPING.

HE KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN
SLEEPING.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN

SLEEPING.
BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN
SLEEPING?

BUT DO YOU KNOW WHERE HE'S BEEN
SLEEPING?
THAT'S JUST IT.

SLEEPING?
THAT'S JUST IT.
LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST

THAT'S JUST IT.
LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST
AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT

LOOK, LARAINE, I LOVE SANTA JUST
AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT
DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE

AS MUCH AS ANYBODY ELSE, BUT
DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE
GOES BACK TO THE "Y."

DECEMBER 26th, NOEL OVER HERE
GOES BACK TO THE "Y."
HO HO HO!

GOES BACK TO THE "Y."
HO HO HO!
BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER

HO HO HO!
BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER
PROTECT ME?

BUT WON'T TOILET PAPER
PROTECT ME?
TWO-PLY? NEVER.

PROTECT ME?
TWO-PLY? NEVER.
NOT THESE GERMS.

TWO-PLY? NEVER.
NOT THESE GERMS.
LET ME SHOW YOU.

NOT THESE GERMS.
LET ME SHOW YOU.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S

LET ME SHOW YOU.
THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S
LEG.

THIS IS A PICTURE OF SANTA'S
LEG.
SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE

LEG.
SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE
SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A

SEEMS NORMAL, BUT LOOK AT THE
SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A
MICROSCOPE.

SAME PICTURE MAGNIFIED UNDER A
MICROSCOPE.
ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS?

MICROSCOPE.
ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS?
YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S

ARE THOSE SANTA'S HELPERS?
YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S
HELPERS, AND THEY'RE

YES, THOSE ARE SANTA'S
HELPERS, AND THEY'RE
COMMUNICABLE.

HELPERS, AND THEY'RE
COMMUNICABLE.
NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE

COMMUNICABLE.
NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE
TWO-PLY?

NOW, WILL YOU STOP USING THE
TWO-PLY?
WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN!

TWO-PLY?
WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN!
OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A

WHAT A FOOL I'VE BEEN!
OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A
REFRIGERATOR, AND...

OKAY, I WANT A CAR AND A
REFRIGERATOR, AND...
USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I

REFRIGERATOR, AND...
USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I
PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK

USE SANTI-WRAPS, AND I
PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK
FROM JOLLY ST. NICK.

PROMISE YOU WON'T GET ONE TICK
FROM JOLLY ST. NICK.
HO HO HO.

FROM JOLLY ST. NICK.
HO HO HO.
HO HO.

AND NOW, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS
TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF

GENTLEMEN, A SPECIAL CHRISTMAS
TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF
FRANK ZAPPA.

TREAT... THE MELLOW SOUNDS OF
FRANK ZAPPA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRANK ZAPPA.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "I'M THE SLIME"

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "I'M THE SLIME"
PLAYS]

♪ I AM GROSS AND PERVERTED ♪
♪ I'M OBSESSED AND DERANGED ♪
♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪

♪ I'M OBSESSED AND DERANGED ♪
♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪
♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪

♪ I HAVE EXISTED FOR YEARS ♪
♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪
♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE

♪ BUT VERY LITTLE HAD CHANGED ♪
♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE
GOVERNMENT ♪

♪ I'M THE TOOL OF THE
GOVERNMENT ♪
♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪

GOVERNMENT ♪
♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪
♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪

♪ AND INDUSTRY, TOO ♪
♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪
♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪

♪ FOR I AM DESTINED TO RULE ♪
♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪
♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND

♪ AND REGULATE YOU ♪
♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND
PERNICIOUS ♪

♪ I MIGHT BE VILE AND
PERNICIOUS ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪

PERNICIOUS ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M

♪ BUT YOU CAN'T LOOK AWAY ♪
♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M
DELICIOUS ♪

♪ I MAKE YOU THINK I'M
DELICIOUS ♪
♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪

DELICIOUS ♪
♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪
♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪

♪ WITH THE STUFF THAT I SAY ♪
♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪
♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪

♪ I'M THE BEST YOU CAN GET ♪
♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪
♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪

♪ HAVE YOU GUESSED ME YET? ♪
♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪
♪ FROM YOUR... ♪

♪ I'M THE SLIME OOZIN' OUT ♪
♪ FROM YOUR... ♪
TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO!

♪ FROM YOUR... ♪
TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO!
Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME

TAKE IT AWAY, DON PARDO!
Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME
WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE

Announcer: YOU WILL OBEY ME
WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE
GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL

WHILE I LEAD YOU, AND EAT THE
GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL
THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU.

GARBAGE THAT I FEED YOU UNTIL
THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU.
DON'T GO FOR HELP.

THE DAY THAT WE DON'T NEED YOU.
DON'T GO FOR HELP.
NO ONE WILL HEED YOU.

DON'T GO FOR HELP.
NO ONE WILL HEED YOU.
YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED.

NO ONE WILL HEED YOU.
YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED.
IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY

YOUR MIND IS TOTALLY CONTROLLED.
IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY
MOLD.

IT HAS BEEN STUFFED INTO MY
MOLD.
AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD

MOLD.
AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE

AND YOU WILL DO AS YOU ARE TOLD
UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE
SOLD.

UNTIL THE RIGHTS TO YOU ARE
SOLD.
TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK!

SOLD.
TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK!
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T

TAKE IT AWAY, FRANK!
THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T
TOUCH THAT DIAL.

THAT'S RIGHT, FOLKS, DON'T
TOUCH THAT DIAL.
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

TOUCH THAT DIAL.
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪
♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR

VIDEO ♪
♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR
LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪

♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR
LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪
Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK.

VIDEO ♪
Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK.
I AM SLIME.

Announcer: IT'S ME, FRANK.
I AM SLIME.
I AM SLIME!

I AM SLIME.
I AM SLIME!
THAT'S RIGHT, DON!

I AM SLIME!
THAT'S RIGHT, DON!
♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR

THAT'S RIGHT, DON!
♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR
LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪

♪ OOZIN' ALONG ON YOUR
LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR

LIVING-ROOM FLOOR ♪
♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪

♪ I AM THE SLIME FROM YOUR
VIDEO ♪
♪ CAN'T STOP THE SLIME ♪

VIDEO ♪
♪ CAN'T STOP THE SLIME ♪
♪ PEOPLE, LOOK AT ME GO ♪

[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
THE HOLIDAY EDITION OF "CONSUMER
PROBE."

THE HOLIDAY EDITION OF "CONSUMER
PROBE."
OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE

PROBE."
OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE
TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR

OUR SUBJECT TONIGHT IS UNSAFE
TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR
INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE

TOYS FOR CHILDREN... FOR
INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE
BOW-AND-ARROW SET.

INSTANCE, THIS LITTLE
BOW-AND-ARROW SET.
PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS

BOW-AND-ARROW SET.
PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS
OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME

PULL THE RUBBER SUCTION CUPS
OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME
DANGEROUS MISSILES.

OFF, AND THE ARROWS BECOME
DANGEROUS MISSILES.
WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT

DANGEROUS MISSILES.
WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT
MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF

WE HAVE WITH US TONIGHT
MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF
MAINWAY TOYS.

MR. IRWIN MAINWAY, PRESIDENT OF
MAINWAY TOYS.
UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY

MAINWAY TOYS.
UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY
MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING

UH, MR. MAINWAY, YOUR COMPANY
MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING
SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS...

MANUFACTURES THE FOLLOWING
SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS...
PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET,

SO-CALLED HARMLESS PLAYTHINGS...
PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET,
MR. SKIN-GRAFTER,

PRETTY PEGGY EAR-PIERCING SET,
MR. SKIN-GRAFTER,
GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE

MR. SKIN-GRAFTER,
GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE
CONFESSION KIT, AND

GENERAL TRON'S SECRET POLICE
CONFESSION KIT, AND
DOGGY DENTIST.

CONFESSION KIT, AND
DOGGY DENTIST.
AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT

DOGGY DENTIST.
AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT
RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET

AND WHAT ABOUT THIS INNOCENT
RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET
UNDER THE NAME

RUBBER DOLL, WHICH YOU MARKET
UNDER THE NAME
JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE?

UNDER THE NAME
JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE?
PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP

JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE?
PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP
KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS.

PRESS HIS HEAD, AND TWO SHARP
KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS.
MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS

KNIVES SPRING FROM HIS ARMS.
MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS
BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY.

MR. MAINWAY, I'M AFRAID THIS IS
BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY.
OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT

BY NO MEANS A SAFE TOY.
OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT
ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY?

OKAY, MISS, I WANT TO CORRECT
ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY?
THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT,

ON ONE THING HERE, OKAY?
THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT,
AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER

THE FULL NAME OF THIS PRODUCT,
AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER
THE COUNTRY, IS

AS IT APPEARS IN STORES ALL OVER
THE COUNTRY, IS
"JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE

THE COUNTRY, IS
"JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE
PUNK."

"JOHNNY SWITCHBLADE: ADVENTURE
PUNK."
I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG..

PUNK."
I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG..
THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM.

I MEAN, NOTHING GOES WRONG..
THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM.
YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES.

THESE LITTLE GIRLS BUY THEM.
YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES.
THEY MAKE UP STORIES.

YOU KNOW, THEY PLAY GAMES.
THEY MAKE UP STORIES.
NOBODY GETS HURT.

THEY MAKE UP STORIES.
NOBODY GETS HURT.
SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN

NOBODY GETS HURT.
SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN
A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT.

SO BARBIE TAKES A KNIFE ONCE IN
A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT.
THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN,

A WHILE, OR KEN GETS CUT.
THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN,
AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW?

THERE'S NO HARM IN THAT, I MEAN,
AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW?
I SEE. FINE, FINE.

AS FAR AS I CAN SEE, YOU KNOW?
I SEE. FINE, FINE.
WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU

I SEE. FINE, FINE.
WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU
ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S

WELL, WE'D LIKE TO SHOW YOU
ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S
PRODUCTS.

ANOTHER ONE OF MR. MAINWAY'S
PRODUCTS.
IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S

PRODUCTS.
IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S
CALLED "BAG O' GLASS."

IT RETAILS FOR $1.98, AND IT'S
CALLED "BAG O' GLASS."
MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A

CALLED "BAG O' GLASS."
MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A
BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS

MR. MAINWAY, THIS IS SIMPLY A
BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS
BITS.

BAG OF JAGGED, DANGEROUS GLASS
BITS.
YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU

BITS.
YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU
KNOW... IT'S GLASS.

YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S, YOU
KNOW... IT'S GLASS.
IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?

KNOW... IT'S GLASS.
IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?
IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER

IT'S BROKEN GLASS, YOU KNOW?
IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, YOU KNOW?

IT SELLS VERY WELL, AS A MATTER
OF FACT, YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU

OF FACT, YOU KNOW?
IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU
KNOW?

IT'S JUST BROKEN GLASS, YOU
KNOW?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

KNOW?
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY

I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY
CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF

I MEAN, CHILDREN COULD SERIOUSLY
CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF
THESE PIECES.

CUT THEMSELVES ON ANY ONE OF
THESE PIECES.
YEAH, WELL, LOOK.

THESE PIECES.
YEAH, WELL, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE

YEAH, WELL, LOOK.
YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE
PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS

YOU KNOW, THE AVERAGE KID... HE
PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS
ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE

PICKS UP, YOU KNOW, BROKEN GLASS
ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE
STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING

ANYWHERE... THE BEACH, THE
STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING
LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY

STREET, GARBAGE CANS, PARKING
LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY
BIG CITY.

LOTS, ALL OVER THE PLACE IN ANY
BIG CITY.
WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE

BIG CITY.
WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE
KIDS WANT.

WE'RE JUST PACKAGING WHAT THE
KIDS WANT.
I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU

KIDS WANT.
I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU
KNOW?

I MEAN, IT'S A CREATIVE TOY, YOU
KNOW?
IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE

KNOW?
IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE
COLORS.

IF YOU HOLD THIS UP, YOU SEE
COLORS.
YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE

COLORS.
YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE
RAINBOW.

YOU SEE ALL THE COLORS OF THE
RAINBOW.
I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT

RAINBOW.
I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT
LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND

I MEAN, IT TEACHES HIM ABOUT
LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND
THAT STUFF!

LIGHT REFRACTION, PRISMS, AND
THAT STUFF!
PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THAT STUFF!
PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I SEE.

PRISMS... YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
I SEE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

I SEE.
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS
PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS?

SO, YOU DON'T FEEL THAT THIS
PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS?
NO! LOOK.

PRODUCT IS DANGEROUS?
NO! LOOK.
WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG,

NO! LOOK.
WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG,
SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN

WE PUT A LABEL ON EVERY BAG,
SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN
GLASS!"

SAYS, "KID, BE CAREFUL... BROKEN
GLASS!"
I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF

GLASS!"
I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF
PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE,

I MEAN, WE SELL A LOT OF
PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE,
LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS,

PRODUCTS IN THE "BAG O'" LINE,
LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS,
BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS,

LIKE BAG O' GLASS, BAG O' NAILS,
BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS,
BAG O' SULFURIC ACID.

BAG O' BUGS, BAG O' VIPERS,
BAG O' SULFURIC ACID.
THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW

BAG O' SULFURIC ACID.
THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

THEY'RE DECENT TOYS, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT

WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT
ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY

WELL, I GUESS WE CAN SEE THAT
ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY
UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE

ALL OF YOUR TOYS ARE REALLY
UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE
BANNED FROM THE MARKET.

UNSAFE AND SHOULD RIGHTFULLY BE
BANNED FROM THE MARKET.
I DON'T KNOW.

BANNED FROM THE MARKET.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW

I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD

I JUST WOULD HAVE LIKED TO KNOW
WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD
TEDDY BEAR.

WHAT HAPPENED TO THE GOOD OLD
TEDDY BEAR.
HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER.

TEDDY BEAR.
HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER.
WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR.

HOLD ON A MINUTE, SISTER.
WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR.
I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.

WE MAKE A TEDDY BEAR.
I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.

I GOT ONE RIGHT HERE.
IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE

IT'S RIGHT HERE.
IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE
HERE, YOU SEE?

IT'S GOT A NICE LITTLE FEATURE
HERE, YOU SEE?
TAKE A SHOT OF THAT.

HERE, YOU SEE?
TAKE A SHOT OF THAT.
I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE.

TAKE A SHOT OF THAT.
I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE.
WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.

I'LL HOLD IT UP HERE.
WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.
THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW

WE CALL IT TEDDY CHAIN SAW BEAR.
THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW
BEAR.

THERE IT IS... TEDDY CHAIN SAW
BEAR.
[CHAIN SAW REVS]

BEAR.
[CHAIN SAW REVS]
A KID PLAYS WITH IT.

[CHAIN SAW REVS]
A KID PLAYS WITH IT.
YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU

A KID PLAYS WITH IT.
YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YOU CAN CUT LOGS WITH IT, YOU
KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A

KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A
VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE

WELL, THIS IS CERTAINLY A
VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE
PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS

VERY SAD SITUATION... ONE OF THE
PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS
WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER

PRECIOUS JOYS OF CHRISTMAS
WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER
LIKE YOURSELF.

WARPED BY A RUTHLESS PROFITEER
LIKE YOURSELF.
THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW

LIKE YOURSELF.
THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?

THAT'S YOUR OPINION, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND

WHAT I MEAN?
WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS

WELL, I JUST DON'T UNDERSTAND
WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS
LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS.

WHY YOU CAN'T MAKE HARMLESS TOYS
LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS.
COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS?

LIKE THESE ALPHABET BLOCKS.
COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS?
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS

COME ON, THIS IS HARMLESS?
ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS
HARMLESS?

ALL RIGHT, OKAY, YOU CALL THIS
HARMLESS?
AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE!

HARMLESS?
AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE!
THIS IS WOOD.

AAH! I GOT A SPLINTER IN HERE!
THIS IS WOOD.
THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD.

THIS IS WOOD.
THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD.
IT'S ROUGH.

THIS IS UNSANDED WOOD.
IT'S ROUGH.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF

IT'S ROUGH.
ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF
THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY.

ALL RIGHT, I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF
THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY.
HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY,

THIS RIDICULOUS DISPLAY.
HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY,
SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY.

HERE IS ANOTHER CREATIVE TOY,
SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY.
YOU SAY IT'S SAFE.

SAFE ENOUGH FOR A BABY.
YOU SAY IT'S SAFE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD.

YOU SAY IT'S SAFE.
I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD.
THE KID IS ON THE PHONE...

I MEAN, LOOK AT THIS CORD.
THE KID IS ON THE PHONE...
"HELLO? HELLO?"

THE KID IS ON THE PHONE...
"HELLO? HELLO?"
THEN... "AGH!"

"HELLO? HELLO?"
THEN... "AGH!"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

THEN... "AGH!"
YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S AN EXAMPLE.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
IT'S AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.

IT'S AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW.

IT'S JUST AN EXAMPLE.
IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW.
YOU SEE MY POINT,

IT'S AN EXAMPLE, YOU KNOW.
YOU SEE MY POINT,
I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT.

YOU SEE MY POINT,
I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT.
YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW?

I DEMONSTRATE LIKE THAT.
YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW?
UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS

YOU SEE MY POINT, YOU KNOW?
UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS
ONE.

UM... WELL, LET'S TRY THIS
ONE.
WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY

ONE.
WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY
BALL?

WHAT ABOUT THIS LITTLE FOAM PLAY
BALL?
I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY,

BALL?
I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY,
CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS

I MEAN, EVEN YOU, MR. MAINWAY,
CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS
ABOUT THIS

CAN'T FIND ANYTHING DANGEROUS
ABOUT THIS
HUH?

ABOUT THIS
HUH?
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON

HUH?
THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON
"CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK.

THAT'S ALL THE TIME WE HAVE ON
"CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK.
BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE.

"CONSUMER PROBE" THIS WEEK.
BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE.
AGH!

BOUNCE IT ON THE TABLE.
AGH!
[GRUNTING]

AGH!
[GRUNTING]
YOU CAN'T BREATHE!

[GRUNTING]
YOU CAN'T BREATHE!
AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED

YOU CAN'T BREATHE!
AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED
MESSAGE.

AND NOW FOR THIS FILMED
MESSAGE.
THANK YOU.

Announcer: INFLATIONARY
PRICES GETTING YOU DOWN?
THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY

PRICES GETTING YOU DOWN?
THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY
PRICES WITH THE NEW

THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY
PRICES WITH THE NEW
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM

PRICES WITH THE NEW
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM
K-PUT.

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM
K-PUT.
SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG

K-PUT.
SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG
ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP

SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE-TAG
ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP
CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR

ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP
CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE

CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE
REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE
REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE
TRIGGER, AND PRESTO.

REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE
TRIGGER, AND PRESTO.
LOOK AT THIS.

TRIGGER, AND PRESTO.
LOOK AT THIS.
A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY

LOOK AT THIS.
A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY
3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR

A WHOLE WATERMELON FOR ONLY
3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR
JUST 4 CENTS.

3 CENTS, A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR
JUST 4 CENTS.
SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

JUST 4 CENTS.
SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR

SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR
PENNIES A DAY.

FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR
PENNIES A DAY.
SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

PENNIES A DAY.
SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.
IT'S FUN AND EASY.

SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.
IT'S FUN AND EASY.
ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR

IT'S FUN AND EASY.
ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR
K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR

ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR
K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR
ITSELF.

K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR
ITSELF.
BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

ITSELF.
BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.
THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH

BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.
THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH
YOUR SHOPPING DOLLARS.

K-PUT'S PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN.

A STEAL AT ONLY $49.95 WHILE

THEY LAST.

THAT'S $49.95 TO K-PUT

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN,

DEPARTMENT 8, SHOPPING MALL,

NEW JERSEY.

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[MUMBLING]
HI, FERN, I'M HOME.

[MUMBLING]
HI, FERN, I'M HOME.
OH, HI!

HI, FERN, I'M HOME.
OH, HI!
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.

OH, HI!
YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S

YOU'RE JUST IN TIME.
I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S
SOME MILK.

I MADE SOME COOKIES, AND HERE'S
SOME MILK.
OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I

SOME MILK.
OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I
COULD DRINK A HORSE.

OH, GREAT, I'M SO THIRSTY, I
COULD DRINK A HORSE.
BOY, ARE YOU STUPID.

COULD DRINK A HORSE.
BOY, ARE YOU STUPID.
IT'S "EAT A HORSE."

BOY, ARE YOU STUPID.
IT'S "EAT A HORSE."
"I COULD EAT A HORSE."

IT'S "EAT A HORSE."
"I COULD EAT A HORSE."
WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU

"I COULD EAT A HORSE."
WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT, FERN.

WELL, YOU DO WHATEVER YOU
WANT, FERN.
I'M STILL THIRSTY.

WANT, FERN.
I'M STILL THIRSTY.
WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK.

I'M STILL THIRSTY.
WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK.
OH, THANKS.

WELL, HERE, HAVE SOME MILK.
OH, THANKS.
[LAUGHTER]

OH, THANKS.
[LAUGHTER]
GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO

[LAUGHTER]
GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO
GOOD.

GEE, THIS MILK ISN'T TOO
GOOD.
I'M STILL THIRSTY.

GOOD.
I'M STILL THIRSTY.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU

I'M STILL THIRSTY.
WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU

WELL, THAT'S BECAUSE YOU
POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU
SEE.

POURED IT IN YOUR PURSE, YOU
SEE.
OH.

SEE.
OH.
YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE

OH.
YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE
YOU, FERN?

YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE
YOU, FERN?
I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.

YOU, FERN?
I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.
LISA.

I MEAN... WHATEVER YOUR NAME WAS.
LISA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE

LISA.
AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE
EXTREMELY STUPID.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, YOU'RE
EXTREMELY STUPID.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU

EXTREMELY STUPID.
WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU
KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.

WELL, YOU'RE RIGHT, FERN, YOU
KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE

KNOW, AND I'M PROUD OF IT.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE
BRAINY LIKE FERN HERE.

YOU KNOW, WE ALL CAN'T BE
BRAINY LIKE FERN HERE.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

THAT'S WHY I WANT TO TALK TO YOU
TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A GOD-GIVEN
AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO

TONIGHT ON BEHALF OF A GOD-GIVEN
AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO
EXTREME STUPIDITY.

AMERICAN RIGHT... THE RIGHT TO
EXTREME STUPIDITY.
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE

EXTREME STUPIDITY.
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE
DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE ARE
DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE
TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO

DISCRIMINATED AGAINST ALL THE
TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO
SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE

TIME, AND I SHOULD KNOW, AND SO
SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.

SHOULD FERN, BECAUSE WE ARE
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.
FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.
FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI
IS A FISH.

FOR INSTANCE, I THINK THAT BAMBI
IS A FISH.
[LAUGHS]

IS A FISH.
[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A

[LAUGHS]
YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A
LITTLE JOKE.

YOU KNOW, THAT REMINDS ME OF A
LITTLE JOKE.
[LAUGHING]

LITTLE JOKE.
[LAUGHING]
[LAUGHTER]

BUT, SERIOUSLY...
THE VERY ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF
IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST

THE VERY ENGLISH LANGUAGE ITSELF
IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.

IS DISCRIMINATORY AGAINST
EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.
FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES

EXTREMELY STUPID PEOPLE.
FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES
LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND

FOR INSTANCE, INSULTING PHRASES
LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND
"BOY, ARE YOU DUMB."

LIKE, "BOY, ARE YOU DUMB" AND
"BOY, ARE YOU DUMB."
THANK YOU.

"BOY, ARE YOU DUMB."
THANK YOU.
AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE

THANK YOU.
AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE
YOU?"

AND "YOU'RE NOT TOO BRIGHT, ARE
YOU?"
[LAUGHS]

YOU?"
[LAUGHS]
"WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?"

[LAUGHS]
"WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?"
[LAUGHS]

"WHAT ARE YOU, STUPID?"
[LAUGHS]
"BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY

[LAUGHS]
"BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY
STUPID."

"BOY, ARE YOU EVER EXTREMELY
STUPID."
"I COULD DRINK A HORSE."

STUPID."
"I COULD DRINK A HORSE."
[LAUGHS]

"I COULD DRINK A HORSE."
[LAUGHS]
"GOSH, AM I THIRSTY."

[LAUGHS]
"GOSH, AM I THIRSTY."
THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE

"GOSH, AM I THIRSTY."
THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE
FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME

THIS HAS BEEN A PAID MESSAGE
FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME
STUPIDITY LEAGUE.

FROM THE RIGHT TO EXTREME
STUPIDITY LEAGUE.
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
JANE CURTIN.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
JANE CURTIN.
LONELY, LONELY THING.

JANE CURTIN.
LONELY, LONELY THING.
DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING

LONELY, LONELY THING.
DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING
HERE?

DO YOU THINK I LIKE BEING
HERE?
DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?

HERE?
DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?
YOU'RE CRAZY.

DO YOU THINK I ENJOY THIS?
YOU'RE CRAZY.
OH, COME ON.

YOU'RE CRAZY.
OH, COME ON.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME

OH, COME ON.
YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME
SOMETIME.

YOU'VE GOT TO COME HOME
SOMETIME.
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE

SOMETIME.
SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE
MONEY.

SOMEBODY HAS GOT TO MAKE THE
MONEY.
OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT.

MONEY.
OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT.
I'M WRITING A BOOK.

OTHERWISE, WE CAN'T EAT.
I'M WRITING A BOOK.
IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE.

I'M WRITING A BOOK.
IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE.
THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL.

IT'S GONNA MAKE A FORTUNE.
THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL

THE BOOK, THE BOOK. BIG DEAL.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL
TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... STILL
TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN
DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER

TRYING TO MAKE UP HIS CAMPAIGN
DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER
HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB

DEFICIT, PRESIDENT-ELECT CARTER
HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB
DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE

HAS TAKEN A PART-TIME JOB
DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE
WASHINGTON AREA.

DELIVERING DRY CLEANING IN THE
WASHINGTON AREA.
AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID

WASHINGTON AREA.
AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID
ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE

AS A SECURITY MEASURE, TO AVOID
ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE
INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE

ANY LEAKING OF WHITE HOUSE
INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE
HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES

INFORMATION, THE SECRET SERVICE
HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES
SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER

HAS STAPLED AMY CARTER'S EYES
SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER
MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF

SHUT AND EPOXIED HER HAND TO HER
MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF
JIMMY CARTER'S TERM.

MOUTH FOR THE DURATION OF
JIMMY CARTER'S TERM.
A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH

JIMMY CARTER'S TERM.
A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH
AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY.

A DECISION ON WHAT TO DO WITH
AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY.
PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED

AMY'S EARS WILL BE MADE SHORTLY.
PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED
THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS

PRESIDENT FORD FINALLY REVEALED
THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS
POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO

THE SUBSTANCE OF HIS
POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO
RICHARD NIXON.

POST-ELECTION TELEPHONE CALL TO
RICHARD NIXON.
FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT

RICHARD NIXON.
FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT
JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE

FORD ASKED NIXON IF HE THOUGHT
JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE
PRESIDENCY.

JIMMY CARTER WOULD ABUSE THE
PRESIDENCY.
NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T

PRESIDENCY.
NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T
HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."

NIXON SAID, "NAH, HE DOESN'T
HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

HAVE THE EXPERIENCE."
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHTER]
DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS

[LAUGHTER]
DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS
AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE

DESPITE THE FACT THAT HIS DAYS
AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE
NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED

AS SECRETARY OF STATE ARE
NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED
HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.

NUMBERED, HENRY KISSINGER SHOWED
HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN

HE STILL HAS A SENSE OF HUMOR.
THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN
HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING

THE ETERNAL DIPLOMAT IS SHOWN
HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING
HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER

HERE AT A WASHINGTON PARTY DOING
HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER
HUA KUO-FENG.

HIS IMPRESSION OF CHINESE LEADER
HUA KUO-FENG.
[LAUGHTER]

HUA KUO-FENG.
[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHTER]
[LAUGHS]
THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS

[LAUGHS]
THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS

THE FIRST ANNUAL BARBARA WALTERS
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS
WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE

LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST WAS HELD THIS
WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE
FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY

WEEK IN WASHINGTON, AND THE
FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY
BETTY FORD.

FIRST RUNNER-UP WAS FIRST LADY
BETTY FORD.
THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS,

BETTY FORD.
THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS,
WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T

THE WINNER WAS BARBARA WALTERS,
WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T
FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE

WHO REMARKED THAT SHE DOESN'T
FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE
HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE

FEEL SHE REALLY LOOKS LIKE
HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE
MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY

HERSELF BUT WILL USE THE PRIZE
MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY
OF THE LETTER "R."

MONEY TO BUY A LIFETIME SUPPLY
OF THE LETTER "R."
[LAUGHTER]

OF THE LETTER "R."
[LAUGHTER]
AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK,

[LAUGHTER]
AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK,
UNDERWATER EXPLORER

AND, IN SPORTS THIS WEEK,
UNDERWATER EXPLORER
JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED

UNDERWATER EXPLORER
JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED
A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL

JACQUES COUSTEAU HAS DISCOVERED
A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL
PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA.

A TRIBE OF 11-INCH-TALL
PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA.
NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO

PRIZEFIGHTERS IN THE AEGEAN SEA.
NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO
MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST

NEGOTIATIONS ARE UNDER WAY TO
MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST
MAYOR BEAME AT

MATCH ONE OF THEM AGAINST
MAYOR BEAME AT
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT

MAYOR BEAME AT
MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT
SPRING.

MADISON SQUARE GARDEN NEXT
SPRING.
[LAUGHTER]

SPRING.
[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A

[LAUGHTER]
AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A
SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT,

AND NOW "UPDATE" PRESENTS A
SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT,
COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES

SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SEGMENT,
COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES
GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY

COURTESY OF THE UNITED STATES
GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY
BUREAU.

GOVERNMENT'S PUBLIC SAFETY
BUREAU.
HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT

BUREAU.
HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT
WITH THE DECEMBER

HERE IS CORRESPONDENT RAY BASALT
WITH THE DECEMBER
RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT.

WITH THE DECEMBER
RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT.
THANK YOU, JANE.

RADIOACTIVE-FALLOUT REPORT.
THANK YOU, JANE.
HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO

THANK YOU, JANE.
HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO
THE FALLOUT REPORT.

HI, EVERYBODY, AND WELCOME TO
THE FALLOUT REPORT.
WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH

THE FALLOUT REPORT.
WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH
INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE

WE, UH, HOPE TO GIVE YOU AS MUCH
INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE
DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR

INFORMATION AS WE CAN ON THE
DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR
THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

DOMESTIC FALLOUT SITUATION FOR
THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW

THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW
IT LOOKS:

I'M RAY BASALT, AND HERE'S HOW
IT LOOKS:
OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS

IT LOOKS:
OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS
IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED

OKAY, PREVAILING NORTHERLY WINDS
IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED
A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES

IN THE MID-ATLANTIC HAVE CARRIED
A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES
INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS

A CLOUD OF RADIOACTIVE PARTICLES
INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS
ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE.

INTO A FEW POPULATION CENTERS
ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE.
NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT

ALONG THE EASTERN SEABOARD HERE.
NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT
OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED

NOW, THIS DEBRIS IS THE RESULT
OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED
OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE

OF A BLAST THAT WAS DETONATED
OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE
INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE

OVER 4,000 MILES AWAY BY THE
INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE
GOBI DESERT.

INDIAN GOVERNMENT IN THE
GOBI DESERT.
AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE

GOBI DESERT.
AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE
AREA.

AND IT'S AFFECTING THE TRI-STATE
AREA.
THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO

AREA.
THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO
START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO

THESE PARTICLES ARE EXPECTED TO
START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO
NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND

START SPRINKLING DOWN INTO
NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND
PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY

NEW JERSEY, PENNSYLVANIA, AND
PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY
NEXT WEEK.

PARTS OF NEW YORK STATE EARLY
NEXT WEEK.
NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT,

NEXT WEEK.
NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT,
HOWEVER.

NOT MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT,
HOWEVER.
THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG

HOWEVER.
THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG
TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS.

THESE PARTICLES ARE FAR TOO BIG
TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS.
HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN

TO INHALE INTO THE LUNGS.
HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN
TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER,

HOWEVER, THEY DO CONTAIN
TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER,
MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS

TELLURIUM GAMMA RAYS, SO WATER,
MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS
WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT

MILK, AND ALL DAIRY PRODUCTS
WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT
THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST

WILL BE CONTAMINATED THROUGHOUT
THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST
TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON FOR AT LEAST
TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY.
WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK

TWO MONTHS, ANYWAY.
WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK
SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO

WELL, IT IS THE SOFT-DRINK
SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO
MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.

SEASON, SO WE DON'T HAVE TOO
MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.
OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE

MUCH TO WORRY ABOUT.
OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE
WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE

OKAY, LET'S TURN TO THE
WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE
FIND HERE.

WEST COAST NOW AND SEE WHAT WE
FIND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU

FIND HERE.
ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU
KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF

ALL RIGHT, LAST SUMMER, AS YOU
KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF
THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE

KNOW, WAS A HEAVY TIME OF
THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE
PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

THERMONUCLEAR TESTING BY THE
PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.
IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A

PEOPLE'S REPUBLIC OF CHINA.
IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A
50-MEGATON

IN JULY, THEY DETONATED A
50-MEGATON
FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE

50-MEGATON
FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE
ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN.

FISSION-FUSION-FISSION DEVICE
ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE

ABOVE THE PACIFIC OCEAN.
THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE
AIRBURST.

THIS RESULTED IN A HIGH-ALTITUDE
AIRBURST.
NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM

AIRBURST.
NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM
THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER

NOW, THE FISSION PRODUCTS FROM
THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER
JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S

THIS DETONATION, WHICH LINGER
JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S
TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO

JUST BELOW THE EARTH'S
TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO
DROP.

TROPOSPHERE, HAVE STARTED TO
DROP.
THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE

DROP.
THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE
PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH

THEY'RE BEING MOVED ACROSS THE
PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH
WINDS UP THERE IN THE

PACIFIC WATER BODY BY THE HIGH
WINDS UP THERE IN THE
TROPOSPHERE.

WINDS UP THERE IN THE
TROPOSPHERE.
THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS

TROPOSPHERE.
THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS
WHICH MOVE UP INTO

THIS, COUPLED WITH COLD FRONTS
WHICH MOVE UP INTO
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS,

WHICH MOVE UP INTO
SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS,
ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY

SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA FROM TEXAS,
ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY
THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A

ALL IN ALL, WELL, WE SHOULD SAY
THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A
FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS

THAT, WELL, IT SHOULD BRING A
FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS
BETA PARTICLES INTO THE

FAIRLY HEAVY SHOWER OF DANGEROUS
BETA PARTICLES INTO THE
SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE

BETA PARTICLES INTO THE
SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE
END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY

SAN DIEGO AREA SOMETIME NEAR THE
END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY
BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY.

END OF THE MONTH AND PROBABLY
BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY.
NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY

BEFORE CHRISTMAS ANYWAY.
NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY
HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA

NOW, THAT BLAST WAS A PRETTY
HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA
PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE.

HEAVY ONE, SO THE YIELD OF BETA
PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE.
BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS

PARTICLES WILL BE SIZABLE.
BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS
YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS

BETA PARTICLES, OF COURSE, AS
YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS
RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO

YOU KNOW, CAUSE SERIOUS
RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO
RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP

RADIATION BURNS, SO, SAN DIEGO
RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP
PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT

RESIDENTS, STAY INSIDE, KEEP
PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT
ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A

PETS INSIDE, DON'T DRINK OR EAT
ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A
LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT.

ANYTHING, AND, IF YOU HAVE A
LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT.
ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN

LEAD SUIT, WEAR IT.
ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN
FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A

ELSEWHERE ACROSS THE COUNTRY, IN
FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A
RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE

FLORIDA, SOME PARTICLES AS A
RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE
ANTARCTIC.

RESULT OF FRENCH TESTING IN THE
ANTARCTIC.
ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE

ANTARCTIC.
ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE
ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM

ALL ACROSS THE MIDWEST, THERE
ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM
DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF

ARE PARTICLES THERE FROM
DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF
COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME

DOMESTIC TESTING IN NEVADA, OF
COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME
IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR

COURSE, AND, UH, THERE WAS SOME
IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR
CORPUS CHRISTI.

IN TEXAS DOWN HERE NEAR
CORPUS CHRISTI.
NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.

CORPUS CHRISTI.
NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.
WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE

NOTHING TOO SERIOUS.
WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE
BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL

WE SHOULD MENTION, HOWEVER, THE
BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL
BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE

BETA CLOUD OVER SAN DIEGO WILL
BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE
LOS ANGELES AREA.

BE MOVING ON UP INTO THE
LOS ANGELES AREA.
AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE

LOS ANGELES AREA.
AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE
DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE

AND, ALTHOUGH IT WON'T BE
DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE
STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING

DANGEROUS FROM A RADIOACTIVE
STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING
FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH

STANDPOINT, THE REMAINING
FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH
HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE

FALLOUT, WHEN COMBINED WITH
HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE
LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE

HYDROCARBON EMISSIONS IN THE
LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE
FOR QUITE A BREW.

LOS ANGELES BASIN, SHOULD MAKE
FOR QUITE A BREW.
AND A READING OF ONE, TWO,

FOR QUITE A BREW.
AND A READING OF ONE, TWO,
THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY

AND A READING OF ONE, TWO,
THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY
TABLE.

THREE, FOUR ON OUR AIR-QUALITY
TABLE.
AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR

TABLE.
AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR
HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN

AND, REMEMBER, THE MLRD FOR
HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN
LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450

HUMAN BEINGS... THAT'S MEDIAN
LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450
REMS.

LETHAL RADIATION DOSE... IS 450
REMS.
ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST

REMS.
ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST
YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME

ANYTHING UNDER THAT AND THE MOST
YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME
ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF

YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH IS SOME
ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF
HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING

ODD INTERNAL BLEEDING, LOSS OF
HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING
NAUSEA.

HAIR, SKIN SORES, AND UNCEASING
NAUSEA.
OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT

NAUSEA.
OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT
REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.

OKAY, AND THAT'S THE FALLOUT
REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.

REPORT FOR THE HOLIDAY SEASON.
BACK TO YOU, JANE.
[APPLAUSE]

BACK TO YOU, JANE.
[APPLAUSE]
OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL

[APPLAUSE]
OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL
RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72

OLGA KORBUT, THE SENSATIONAL
RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72
OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK

RUSSIAN GYMNAST OF THE '72
OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT

OLYMPICS, ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK
THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT
MONTH IN MOSCOW.

THAT SHE WILL BE MARRIED NEXT
MONTH IN MOSCOW.
THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN

MONTH IN MOSCOW.
THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN
HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER

THE AGILE 21-YEAR-OLD IS SHOWN
HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER
WEDDING NIGHT.

HERE GETTING IN SHAPE FOR HER
WEDDING NIGHT.
THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS

WEDDING NIGHT.
THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS
REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN

THE PROSPECTIVE BRIDEGROOM IS
REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN
HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL

REPORTED TO BE IN A RUSSIAN
HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL
SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES

HOSPITAL UNDERGOING SPECIAL
SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES
REMOVED.

SURGERY TO HAVE ALL OF HIS BONES
REMOVED.
STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS

REMOVED.
STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS
CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME... COCAINE DEALERS
CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

CONVENE IN BUFFALO, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.
[APPLAUSE]

MESSAGE.
[APPLAUSE]
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]

[APPLAUSE]
[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]
OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU

[WESTERN MUSIC PLAYS]
OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU
SAY?

OKAY, JOHNNY, WHAT DO YOU
SAY?
CHEE-EE-SE!

SAY?
CHEE-EE-SE!
GOT IT.

CHEE-EE-SE!
GOT IT.
ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF

GOT IT.
ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF
PROCESSED CHEESE.

ANOTHER PERFECT SLICE OF
PROCESSED CHEESE.
AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR.

PROCESSED CHEESE.
AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR.
IT TURNS FROM MILD TO SHARP IN

AND LOOK AT THAT COLOR.
IT TURNS FROM MILD TO SHARP IN
60 SECONDS.

THE NEW FX-70 CHEESE SLICER AND

PROCESSED CHEESE CARTRIDGES.

[CAMERA WHIRRING]

ONLY $69.95 FOR ALL YOUR CHEESE

NEEDS.

HEY, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
CHEE-EE-SE!
[APPLAUSE]

TRAGEDY AT THE NORTH POLE
THIS WEEK WHEN RUDOLPH THE
RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG

THIS WEEK WHEN RUDOLPH THE
RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG
AND HAD TO BE SHOT.

RED-NOSED REINDEER BROKE A LEG
AND HAD TO BE SHOT.
WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS

AND HAD TO BE SHOT.
WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS
SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN

WHEN ASKED WHO WILL GUIDE HIS
SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN
SANTA CLAUS REPLIED,

SLEIGH, A GRIEF-STRICKEN
SANTA CLAUS REPLIED,
"JIM NABORS."

SANTA CLAUS REPLIED,
"JIM NABORS."
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT

"JIM NABORS."
MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.

MORE ON THIS STORY AS IT
DEVELOPS.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]

DEVELOPS.
[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES,

[LIGHT LAUGHTER]
WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES,
DOESN'T IT?

WELL, TIME CERTAINLY FLIES,
DOESN'T IT?
HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A

DOESN'T IT?
HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A
CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR

HAVING TROUBLE SELECTING A
CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR
STALLION?

CHRISTMAS GIFT FOR YOUR
STALLION?
WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.

STALLION?
WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.
IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL

WELL, MAYBE THIS WILL HELP.
IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL
FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES.

IT'S THE LATEST STYLE IN ANIMAL
FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES.
MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE

FOOTWEAR... EARTH HORSESHOES.
MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE
LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE

MANUFACTURERS SAY THAT THEY ARE
LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE
HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES.

LIKE ORDINARY SHOES EXCEPT THE
HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES.
HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE,

HEELS ARE LOWER THAN THE TOES.
HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE,
SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT,

HONEST PLEASURE, PICTURED HERE,
SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT,
QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW.

SAYS HE WEARS THEM AND THAT,
QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW.
IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A

QUOTE, "IT'S REAL MELLOW.
IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A
LOTUS POSITION."

IT'S LIKE I'M STANDING IN A
LOTUS POSITION."
[SNORTS]

LOTUS POSITION."
[SNORTS]
END QUOTE.

[SNORTS]
END QUOTE.
[APPLAUSE]

END QUOTE.
[APPLAUSE]
FROM TIME TO TIME,

[APPLAUSE]
FROM TIME TO TIME,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS

FROM TIME TO TIME,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS
OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" PRESENTS
OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT
ISSUES.

OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS TO IMPORTANT
ISSUES.
NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL

ISSUES.
NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL
REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA.

NOW, HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL
REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA.
UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I

REPLY IS MISS EMILY LITELLA.
UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I
KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS

UM, WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I
KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS
CHRISTMAS, THE UNITED NATIONS IS

KEEP HEARING ABOUT, THIS
CHRISTMAS, THE UNITED NATIONS IS
COLLECTING MONEY FOR UNISEX?

NOW, DON'T THOSE KIND OF PEOPLE

HAVE ENOUGH BEAUTY PARLORS AND

CLOTHING STORES AS IT IS?

I MEAN, DO THEY NEED MORE?

WHY, THEY'RE ALL OVER THE PLACE,

THESE UNISEX PLACES.

THE UNITED NATIONS SHOULD BE

GIVING MONEY TO LITTLE CHILDREN

OVERSEAS... CHILDREN WHO CAN USE

IT... NOT TO THESE WEIRDOS!

WHY, IT'S OUTRAGEOUS!
MISS LITELLA?
WHAT? WHAT?

MISS LITELLA?
WHAT? WHAT?
UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT

WHAT? WHAT?
UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT
UNISEX.

UH, THAT'S UNICEF, NOT
UNISEX.
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF,

UNISEX.
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF,
THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT UNICEF,
THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL
CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT

THE UNITED NATIONS INTERNATIONAL
CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT
UNISEX.

CHILDREN'S EMERGENCY FUND, NOT
UNISEX.
UNICEF.

UNISEX.
UNICEF.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY

UNICEF.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.
NEVER MIND.

DIFFERENT.
NEVER MIND.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

UH, JUST, UM, ONE MORE THING,
MISS CLAYTON.
UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER

MISS CLAYTON.
UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING

UM, I WAS WONDERING WHY, EVER
SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING
"UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE

SINCE YOU'VE BEEN DOING
"UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE
SHOW TOO MUCH.

"UPDATE," I HAVEN'T BEEN ON THE
SHOW TOO MUCH.
I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE

SHOW TOO MUCH.
I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE
OFTEN.

I MEAN, I USED TO BE ON QUITE
OFTEN.
YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU

OFTEN.
YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU
CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE,

YES, WELL, MISS LITELLA, YOU
CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE,
AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH

CAN BE ON AS OFTEN AS YOU LIKE,
AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH
SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX.

AS LONG AS YOU COME UP WITH
SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX.
WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST...

SOMETHING FUNNIER THAN UNISEX.
WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST...
GOOD.

WELL, I'LL DO MY BEST...
GOOD.
BITCH.

GOOD.
BITCH.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BITCH.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR
TONIGHT.

THAT'S ALL THE NEWS FOR
TONIGHT.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY

TONIGHT.
THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY
PLEASANT HOLIDAY.

THANK YOU AND HAVE A VERY
PLEASANT HOLIDAY.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]

PLEASANT HOLIDAY.
[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,

[APPLAUSE CONTINUES]
Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
FRANK ZAPPA!

Announcer: ONCE AGAIN,
FRANK ZAPPA!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

FRANK ZAPPA!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON"]

["PURPLE LAGOON" CONTINUES]

[LAUGHTER]
[SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOO LAU ♪
♪ DOO LAU ♪
[SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOO LAU ♪
[SINGING SCAT]
♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪

[SINGING SCAT]
♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪
♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪

♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪
♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪
[SINGING SCAT]

♪ DIDDY LA BAW ♪
[SINGING SCAT]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

[SINGING SCAT]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
♪ DOODLE LA ♪

[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]
♪ DOODLE LA ♪
♪ DOODLE LA ♪

♪ DOODLE LA ♪
♪ DOODLE LA ♪
[SINGING SCAT]

♪ DOODLE LA ♪
[SINGING SCAT]
[KAZOO PLAYS]

[SINGING SCAT]
[KAZOO PLAYS]
[KAZOOS PLAY]

[KAZOO PLAYS]
[KAZOOS PLAY]
[KAZOO PLAYS]

[KAZOOS PLAY]
[KAZOO PLAYS]
♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

[KAZOO PLAYS]
♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
[SINGING SCAT]

♪ LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA LA-LA ♪
[SINGING SCAT]
♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪

[SINGING SCAT]
♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪
♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪

♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪
♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪
♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪

♪ AH-AH AH-AH AH-AH AH ♪
♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪
♪ OH, AH ♪

♪ OH, AH, OH, AH ♪
♪ OH, AH ♪
♪ OH, AH ♪

♪ OH, AH ♪
♪ OH, AH ♪
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]

♪ OH, AH ♪
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
[SAXOPHONES PLAY]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
[SAXOPHONES PLAY]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]

[SAXOPHONES PLAY]
[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
[BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON "]

[SAXOPHONE PLAYS]
[BAND PLAYS "PURPLE LAGOON "]
[SPEAKING NATIVE LANGUAGE]

["PURPLE LAGOON" CONTINUES]
[MUSIC STOPS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ O TANNENBAUM,
O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪

O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪

♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪
♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR

♪ WIE TREU SIND DEINE BLAETTER ♪
♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR
ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪

♪ DU GRUENST NICHT NUR
ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪
♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER

ZUR SOMMERZEIT ♪
♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER
WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪

♪ NEIN AUCH IM WINTER
WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪

WENN ES SCHNEIT ♪
♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪
AAH!

♪ O TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBA... ♪
AAH!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: "THE KILLER

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
Announcer: "THE KILLER
TREES."

Announcer: "THE KILLER
TREES."
YEAH.

TREES."
YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.

YEAH.
YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOU HEARD ME!

YEAH, THAT'S WHAT I SAID.
YOU HEARD ME!
THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES!

YOU HEARD ME!
THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES!
THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF.

THEY'RE KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES!
THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF.
THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR

THEY'RE DESPERATE TREES, CHIEF.
THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR
TINSEL AND CANDY CANES.

THEY WON'T JUST SETTLE FOR
TINSEL AND CANDY CANES.
THEY WANT BLOOD.

TINSEL AND CANDY CANES.
THEY WANT BLOOD.
I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF.

THEY WANT BLOOD.
I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF.
THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT!

I DON'T KNOW, CHIEF.
THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT!
WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL

THEY'RE SOME KIND OF MUTANT!
WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM,"

WELL, THEY HEAR THE TRADITIONAL
CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM,"
AND THEN THEY KILL.

CHRISTMAS HYMN "O TANNENBAUM,"
AND THEN THEY KILL.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A

AND THEN THEY KILL.
LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A
FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER

LOOKS LIKE WE'VE GOT A
FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER
ON OUR HANDS.

FULL-SCALE ECOLOGICAL DISASTER
ON OUR HANDS.
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS

ON OUR HANDS.
I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS
I CAN.

I'LL GET BACK TO YOU AS SOON AS
I CAN.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.

I CAN.
YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.?

YEAH. ALL RIGHT.
THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.?
WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES

THESE TREES GOT AN M.O.?
WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES
ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE

WELL, THEY FORCE THEMSELVES
ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE
THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS...

ONTO CHRISTMAS-TREE LOTS WHERE
THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS...
UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE

THEY LURE THEIR VICTIMS...
UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE
BUYERS.

UNSUSPECTING CHRISTMAS-TREE
BUYERS.
HOW DO THEY DO IT?

BUYERS.
HOW DO THEY DO IT?
WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND

HOW DO THEY DO IT?
WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND
BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO

WELL, BY LOOKING FULL AND
BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO
WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED.

BUSHY AND STANDING CLOSE TO
WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED.
AND THEY'RE VERY SMART.

WHERE THEIR CARS ARE PARKED.
AND THEY'RE VERY SMART.
THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY

AND THEY'RE VERY SMART.
THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY
CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES

THEY KEEP THEIR PRICES LOW BY
CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES
DOWN.

CONSTANTLY MARKING THEMSELVES
DOWN.
SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO

DOWN.
SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO
CRACK.

SOUNDS LIKE A TOUGH CASE TO
CRACK.
WE GOT TO CRACK IT...

CRACK.
WE GOT TO CRACK IT...
OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO

WE GOT TO CRACK IT...
OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO
THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A

OR A LOT OF LITTLE KIDS WHO
THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A
BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A

THOUGHT THEY WERE GONNA GET A
BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A
PIERCED THORAX.

BICYCLE WILL END UP WITH A
PIERCED THORAX.
OKAY. LET'S ROLL.

PIERCED THORAX.
OKAY. LET'S ROLL.
YEAH.

OKAY. LET'S ROLL.
YEAH.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF

YEAH.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT,

["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]
WELL, GOOD NIGHT,
MRS. RODRIGUEZ.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT,
MRS. RODRIGUEZ.
UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD.

MRS. RODRIGUEZ.
UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD.
GOOD NIGHT!

UM, Y FELIZ NAVIDAD.
GOOD NIGHT!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,

GOOD NIGHT!
MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
MISS VAVESEUR!

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
MISS VAVESEUR!
♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪

MISS VAVESEUR!
♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA CUCARACHA ♪
♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
HELLO? HELLO, MAMA?

♪ LA LA LA LA LA LA ♪
HELLO? HELLO, MAMA?
MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO

HELLO? HELLO, MAMA?
MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO
TELL YOU.

MAMA, YEAH, I JUST CALLED TO
TELL YOU.
RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE

TELL YOU.
RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE
LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR

RIGHT, I DECIDED WHAT TO GIVE
LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR
HIM TO PLAY WITH.

LITTLE JOSé FOR CHRISTMAS FOR
HIM TO PLAY WITH.
YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX.

HIM TO PLAY WITH.
YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX.
YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE

YEAH, A BOX OF KLEENEX.
YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE
AND STUFF.

YEAH, HE CAN PUT IT IN HIS NOSE
AND STUFF.
RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S

AND STUFF.
RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S
FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF

RIGHT, OKAY, OKAY, I'LL SAY IT'S
FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF
US.

FROM YOU, TOO... FROM BOTH OF
US.
OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY

US.
OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY
CARCASS.

OKAY, MAMA, ENJOY THE TURKEY
CARCASS.
GOODBYE!

CARCASS.
GOODBYE!
[High-pitched] ♪ O

GOODBYE!
[High-pitched] ♪ O
TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

[High-pitched] ♪ O
TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ LA LA LA, OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ LA CUCARACHA, LA LA LA LA ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA DA DA ♪

♪ OH, I'M SO POOR ♪
♪ LA DA DA ♪
♪ DA DA ♪

♪ LA DA DA ♪
♪ DA DA ♪
AAH!

♪ DA DA ♪
AAH!
[SCREAMING]

AAH!
[SCREAMING]
SANTA CLAUS!

[SCREAMING]
SANTA CLAUS!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SANTA CLAUS!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD!

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
[Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD!
OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A

[Sobbing] OH! OH, GOD!
OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A
MINUTE.

OKAY, JUST CALM DOWN FOR A
MINUTE.
WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING

MINUTE.
WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING
TOGETHER NOW.

WE JUST HAVE TO PIECE THIS THING
TOGETHER NOW.
YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM.

TOGETHER NOW.
YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM.
WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU

YOU SAY YOU HEARD THE SCREAM.
WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU
RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE

WHEN YOU HEARD THE SCREAM, YOU
RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE
KILLER.

RAN BACK IN, AND YOU SAW THE
KILLER.
THAT'S ALL WE WANT.

KILLER.
THAT'S ALL WE WANT.
WHAT DID YOU SEE?

THAT'S ALL WE WANT.
WHAT DID YOU SEE?
JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION.

WHAT DID YOU SEE?
JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION.
NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL

JUST A ROUGH DESCRIPTION.
NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL
RIGHT?

NOW, JUST CALM DOWN HERE, ALL
RIGHT?
CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE

RIGHT?
CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE
KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST

CALM DOWN AND DESCRIBE THE
KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST
HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY.

KILLER TO OUR POLICE ARTIST
HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY.
TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW.

HERE, SERGEANT NAGEY.
TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW.
WAS HE TALL? SHORT?

TRY TO DESCRIBE IT, NOW.
WAS HE TALL? SHORT?
HE WAS VERY TALL.

WAS HE TALL? SHORT?
HE WAS VERY TALL.
HE WAS SO TALL.

HE WAS VERY TALL.
HE WAS SO TALL.
AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY...

HE WAS SO TALL.
AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY...
WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT

AND REALLY BUSHY, VERY BUSHY...
WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT
ORNAMENTS.

WITH A LOT OF REALLY NEAT
ORNAMENTS.
OH, GOD!

ORNAMENTS.
OH, GOD!
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?

OH, GOD!
SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
OH, NO!

SOMETHING LIKE THIS?
OH, NO!
THAT'S IT!

OH, NO!
THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE KILLER!

THAT'S IT!
THAT'S THE KILLER!
SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE

THAT'S THE KILLER!
SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE
SERVICES.

SEND IT OUT OVER THE WIRE
SERVICES.
HURRY UP, COME ON.

SERVICES.
HURRY UP, COME ON.
OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE

HURRY UP, COME ON.
OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE
THING.

OKAY, NOW, UH, WE NEED ONE MORE
THING.
WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME

THING.
WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME
SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT?

WE NEED YOU TO IDENTIFY SOME
SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW

SUSPECTS, ALL RIGHT?
ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW
YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT?

ALL RIGHT, WE'RE GONNA SHOW
YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT?
YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?

YOU A LINE-UP, ALL RIGHT?
YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU THINK YOU CAN HANDLE IT?
COME ON, LET'S GO.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF

COME ON, LET'S GO.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]
OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE

["O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]
OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE
LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS.

OKAY, MISS VAVESEUR, NOW, YOU'RE
LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS.
NOBODY CAN SEE YOU.

LOOKING THROUGH ONE-WAY GLASS.
NOBODY CAN SEE YOU.
LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND

NOBODY CAN SEE YOU.
LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND
TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS

LOOK AT THESE THREE SUSPECTS AND
TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS
THE KILLER.

TELL US WHICH ONE YOU THINK IS
THE KILLER.
UH, I DON'T KNOW.

THE KILLER.
UH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.

UH, I DON'T KNOW.
THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.
UH-HUH.

THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME TO ME.
UH-HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE!

UH-HUH.
WAIT A MINUTE!
I GOT A HUNCH.

WAIT A MINUTE!
I GOT A HUNCH.
IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT

I GOT A HUNCH.
IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT
WORK.

IT'S CRAZY, BUT IT JUST MIGHT
WORK.
SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR

WORK.
SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR
BRANCHES!"

SIMON SAYS, "SHAKE YOUR
BRANCHES!"
SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR

BRANCHES!"
SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR
ORNAMENTS!"

SIMON SAYS, "JIGGLE YOUR
ORNAMENTS!"
KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!

ORNAMENTS!"
KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!
OKAY.

KILL THE PERSON NEXT TO YOU!
OKAY.
SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON

OKAY.
SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON
NEXT TO YOU."

SIMON SAYS, "KILL THE PERSON
NEXT TO YOU."
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

NEXT TO YOU."
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR
TREE.

WELL, I THINK WE'VE GOT OUR
TREE.
THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT

TREE.
THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT
THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART.

THESE TREES ARE SMART, BUT
THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART.
OKAY, ONE MORE THING,

THEY'RE NOT THAT SMART.
OKAY, ONE MORE THING,
MISS VAVESEUR.

OKAY, ONE MORE THING,
MISS VAVESEUR.
WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE?

MISS VAVESEUR.
WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE?
THE TREE.

WHERE DID YOU BUY THAT TREE?
THE TREE.
I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE

THE TREE.
I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE
STREET.

I BOUGHT IT AT A LOT DOWN THE
STREET.
IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I

STREET.
IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I
BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY

IT'S THE SAME PLACE WHERE I
BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY
APARTMENT.

BOUGHT THE TREE FOR MY
APARTMENT.
THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR

APARTMENT.
THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR
APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER,

THAT MEANS THAT ONE IN YOUR
APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER,
TOO.

APARTMENT MIGHT BE A KILLER,
TOO.
YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST

TOO.
YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST
HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT.

YEAH, BUT WE CAN ONLY ARREST
HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE

HIM IF WE CATCH HIM THE ACT.
I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING.

I'M AFRAID WE'RE GONNA HAVE
TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO

TO ASK FOR ONE MORE THING.
WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY?

WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO ASK YOU TO
ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY?
NOW, UH, DON'T...

ACT AS A DECOY, OKAY?
NOW, UH, DON'T...
IF YOU JUST START SINGING

NOW, UH, DON'T...
IF YOU JUST START SINGING
"O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE

IF YOU JUST START SINGING
"O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE
APARTMENT WITH THE TREE.

"O TANNENBAUM," OKAY, IN THE
APARTMENT WITH THE TREE.
YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY.

APARTMENT WITH THE TREE.
YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY.
IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT

YOU'LL ACT AS A DECOY.
IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT
OUTSIDE.

IF YOU NEED US, WE'LL BE RIGHT
OUTSIDE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.

OUTSIDE.
WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
JUST YELL. OKAY?

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE.
JUST YELL. OKAY?
OKAY? YOU WITH US?

JUST YELL. OKAY?
OKAY? YOU WITH US?
OKAY, LET'S GO.

OKAY? YOU WITH US?
OKAY, LET'S GO.
GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE

OKAY, LET'S GO.
GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE
RIGHT AWAY.

GET A TASK FORCE OVER THERE
RIGHT AWAY.
I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO

RIGHT AWAY.
I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO
SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT

I'LL DO WHATEVER I CAN TO
SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT
GENTILES.

SPARE THE LIVES OF INNOCENT
GENTILES.
OKAY.

GENTILES.
OKAY.
I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE.

OKAY.
I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE.
I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.

I'LL CALL THE TASK FORCE.
I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.
YES, THIS IS

I'LL MEET YOU OVER THERE.
YES, THIS IS
LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS.

YES, THIS IS
LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS.
I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4

LIEUTENANT BUSHAKIS.
I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4
PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST

I WANT 10 SQUAD CARS AND 4
PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST
STREET.

PATROL CARS OUTSIDE 29 WEST
STREET.
AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN

STREET.
AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN
AMBULANCE...

AND, JUST IN CASE, SEND AN
AMBULANCE...
WITH A TREE SURGEON.

AMBULANCE...
WITH A TREE SURGEON.
THAT'S RIGHT.

WITH A TREE SURGEON.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.

THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.
DO IT FAST, PAL.

YOU HEARD ME RIGHT.
DO IT FAST, PAL.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF

DO IT FAST, PAL.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL...
WELL...

WELL...
WELL...
BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET

WELL...
BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET
PIERCED IN THE THORAX!

BOY, DO I EVER WANT TO GET
PIERCED IN THE THORAX!
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]

PIERCED IN THE THORAX!
[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[High-pitched] ♪ O

[CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY]
[High-pitched] ♪ O
TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪

[High-pitched] ♪ O
TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ O KILLER TREES,

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪
♪ O KILLER TREES,
O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪

♪ O KILLER TREES,
O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪
♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES

O KILLER CHRISTMAS TREES ♪
♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES
IN ME ♪

♪ I WANT TO FEEL YOUR BRANCHES
IN ME ♪
AAH! AAH!

IN ME ♪
AAH! AAH!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

AAH! AAH!
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE
OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D

WELL, WE SAID WE'D BE
OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D
DO ANYTHING.

OUTSIDE, BUT WE DIDN'T SAY WE'D
DO ANYTHING.
YEAH.

DO ANYTHING.
YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE

YEAH.
WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE
THIS TREE DOWNTOWN.

WELL, I GUESS WE BETTER TAKE
THIS TREE DOWNTOWN.
OKAY.

THIS TREE DOWNTOWN.
OKAY.
OKAY, TREE!

OKAY.
OKAY, TREE!
YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON.

OKAY, TREE!
YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE

YOU'RE COMIN' WITH US. COME ON.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE
CALL.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO ONE PHONE
CALL.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN

CALL.
YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN
SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE

SILENT.
ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE
USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE
USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF
LAW.

USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF
LAW.
HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE

LAW.
HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE
GUY BEHIND IT?

HEY, WHAT DO WE DO ABOUT THE
GUY BEHIND IT?
WHAT? THIS GUY?

GUY BEHIND IT?
WHAT? THIS GUY?
HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND.

WHAT? THIS GUY?
HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND.
HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO

HE'S JUST AN INNOCENT STAGEHAND.
HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH IT.

HE DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO DO
WITH IT.
WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN

WITH IT.
WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN
AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE.

WELL, WE'LL TAKE HIM DOWNTOWN
AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE.
IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW,

AND BOOK HIM AS AN ACCOMPLICE.
IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN

IT'S SO SAD, YOU KNOW,
BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN
ANGEL.

BECAUSE... SHE LOOKED LIKE AN
ANGEL.
AND NOW... SHE IS ONE.

ANGEL.
AND NOW... SHE IS ONE.
I GUESS...

AND NOW... SHE IS ONE.
I GUESS...
THIS CASE... IS CLOSED.

I GUESS...
THIS CASE... IS CLOSED.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF

THIS CASE... IS CLOSED.
[UPBEAT VERSION OF
"O TANNENBAUM" PLAYS]

AND NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S
FILM BY GARY WEIS.
IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE

FILM BY GARY WEIS.
IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE
MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND

IT'S ABOUT DIANA NYAD, THE
MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND
MANHATTAN ISLAND.

MARATHON SWIMMER WHO SWAM AROUND
MANHATTAN ISLAND.
[APPLAUSE]

MANHATTAN ISLAND.
[APPLAUSE]
DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE

[APPLAUSE]
DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE
ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS

DIANA'S BEEN A BIG INFLUENCE
ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS
OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND

ON ME AS FAR AS MY DEFINITIONS
OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND
WHAT A WOMAN IS.

OF WHAT A WOMAN CAN BE AND
WHAT A WOMAN IS.
SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET

WHAT A WOMAN IS.
SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET
IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND

SHE'S THE FIRST WOMAN I'VE MET
IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND
SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND

IN MY LIFE THAT SAT DOWN AND
SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND
I'M GONNA GET IT.

SAID, "THIS IS WHAT I WANT, AND
I'M GONNA GET IT.
AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL

I'M GONNA GET IT.
AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL
WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD

AND IT DOESN'T MATTER AT ALL
WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD
THINKS."

WHAT ANYBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD
THINKS."
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

I HAVE BEEN SWIMMING NOW FOR
OVER 15 YEARS, OVER 4 HOURS A
DAY, SOMETIMES 5, SOMETIMES 6.

THE AVERAGE HEARTBEAT IS 72 TO
75 BEATS A MINUTE.
THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS

75 BEATS A MINUTE.
THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS
FROM 60 TO 70.

THE AVERAGE TRAINED ATHLETE IS
FROM 60 TO 70.
MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE

FROM 60 TO 70.
MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE
MORNING AT REST.

MY HEARTBEAT IS 45 IN THE
MORNING AT REST.
UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN

MORNING AT REST.
UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN
I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE

UM, I CAN GET IT UP TO 180 WHEN
I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE
POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS

I'M WORKING VERY HARD, BUT THE
POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS
THAT IT COMES BACK DOWN VERY

POINT ABOUT BEING IN SHAPE IS
THAT IT COMES BACK DOWN VERY
QUICKLY.

I, UM, HOLD THE WORLD RECORD FOR
SWIMMING FROM CAPRI TO NAPLES IN
ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON

SWIMMING FROM CAPRI TO NAPLES IN
ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON
TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO,

ITALY, AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON
TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO,
WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES.

TO HAVE CROSSED LAKE ONTARIO,
WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES.
I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING

WHICH TOOK 18 HOURS, 20 MINUTES.
I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING
AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND IN A

I HOLD THE RECORD FOR SWIMMING
AROUND MANHATTAN ISLAND IN A
LITTLE UNDER 8 HOURS.

WHEN I'M SWIMMING DURING THE
TOUGHEST SEASONS OF THE YEAR, I
EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A

TOUGHEST SEASONS OF THE YEAR, I
EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A
DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES

EAT 12,000 TO 12,500 CALORIES A
DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES
WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS.

DAY, WHICH IS AT LEAST 10 TIMES
WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS.
DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON

WHAT THE AVERAGE PERSON EATS.
DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON
THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM.

DIANA NYAD IS OUR COACH ON
THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM.
SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN

THE BARNARD COLLEGE SWIM TEAM.
SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN
INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US.

SHE REALLY HAS BEEN AN
INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US.
KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE

INSPIRATION FOR ALL OF US.
KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE
THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I

KNOWING DIANA HAS MADE ME SEE
THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I
WANT TO DO.

THAT I CAN DO ANYTHING THAT I
WANT TO DO.
SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU

WANT TO DO.
SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU
IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T

SHE DEMANDS PERFECTION FROM YOU
IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T
MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE

IN EVERYTHING, BUT YOU DON'T
MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE
YOU KNOW THAT SHE DEMANDS IT

MIND GIVING IT TO HER BECAUSE
YOU KNOW THAT SHE DEMANDS IT
FROM HERSELF.

FROM A MILE OUT, I CAN HEAR
THE CLAPPING AND THE SCREAMING.
PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A

THE CLAPPING AND THE SCREAMING.
PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A
PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN

PEOPLE REALIZE I SWAM FROM A
PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN
SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY.

PLACE THAT THEY COULDN'T EVEN
SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY.
THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I

SEE ON THE CLEAREST DAY.
THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I
ARRIVE.

THEY KNOW I MAY FAINT WHEN I
ARRIVE.
THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST

ARRIVE.
THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST
EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR,

THEY SHARE WITH ME THE MOST
EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR,
AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE

EXTREME MOMENT OF ALL, FOR,
AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE
HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE

AFTER THE PAIN, THE COLD, THE
HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE
FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS...

HOURS, THE DISTANCE, AFTER THE
FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS...
AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY

FATIGUE AND THE LONELINESS...
AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY
EMERGENCE.

AFTER ALL THIS COMES MY
EMERGENCE.
AND MY EMERGENCE IS WHAT IT'S

EMERGENCE.
AND MY EMERGENCE IS WHAT IT'S
ALL ABOUT.

[APPLAUSE]

WELL, IT'S THE LAST SHOW
BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND AFTER IT'S
OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT

BEFORE CHRISTMAS, AND AFTER IT'S
OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT
AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR

OVER, WE'LL PROBABLY ALL GO OUT
AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR
SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS.

AND CELEBRATE BEFORE HEADING OUR
SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT,

SEPARATE WAYS FOR THE HOLIDAYS.
GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT,
DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO

GILDA'S GOING HOME TO DETROIT,
DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO
LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE

DANNY UP TO CANADA, LARAINE TO
LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE
WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS,

LOS ANGELES, JANE WILL STAY HERE
WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS,
GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO

WITH PATRICK, AND, I GUESS,
GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO
AFRICA.

GARRETT WILL BE GOING BACK TO
AFRICA.
YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME...

AFRICA.
YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME...
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI.

YES, EVERYBODY'S GOING HOME...
EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI.
NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN,

EVERYBODY EXCEPT FOR BELUSHI.
NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN,
BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM

NOW, WE ALL WANT TO HELP JOHN,
BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM
SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM

BUT, THEN, WE'VE ALL HELPED HIM
SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM
UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS

SO MUCH ALREADY... PUTTING HIM
UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS
WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY.

UP, TALKING OVER HIS PROBLEMS
WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY.
SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP.

WITH HIM, LENDING HIM MONEY.
SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP.
AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE

SO NOW IT'S YOUR TURN TO HELP.
AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE
GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN

AND, BELIEVE ME, IF YOU LIKE
GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN
GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN

GOOD ACTING AND YOU JUST PLAIN
GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN
HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T

GET OFF ON GOOD VIBES, THEN
HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T
REFUSE.

HERE'S AN OFFER YOU JUST CAN'T
REFUSE.
"SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY

REFUSE.
"SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY
ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR

"SATURDAY NIGHT" PROUDLY
ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR
CHRISTMAS" CONTEST.

ANNOUNCES THE "ADOPT BELUSHI FOR
CHRISTMAS" CONTEST.
WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE

CHRISTMAS" CONTEST.
WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE
YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS

WRITE IN IMMEDIATELY AND STATE
YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS
WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO

YOUR CASE IN 20 WORDS OR LESS
WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO
ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS.

WHY YOU ARE THE IDEAL FAMILY TO
ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS.
WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS,

ADOPT BELUSHI FOR CHRISTMAS.
WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS,
JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME

WITH HIS SWARTHY GOOD LOOKS,
JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME
IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED

JOHN WILL APPEAR RIGHT AT HOME
IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED
EUROPEAN BACKGROUND.

IN ANY FAMILY WITH A DEPRESSED
EUROPEAN BACKGROUND.
JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS.

EUROPEAN BACKGROUND.
JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS.
HE'S AN EAGER EATER.

JOHN'S HAD ALL OF HIS SHOTS.
HE'S AN EAGER EATER.
PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN

HE'S AN EAGER EATER.
PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN
ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH

PLUS, HE COMES WITH HIS OWN
ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH
INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT.

ATTRACTIVE WARDROBE WHICH
INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT.
LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY

INCLUDES A KOHOUTEK T-SHIRT.
LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY
STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE

LET BELUSHI SHARE HIS MANY
STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE
KIDDIES.

STORIES AND SONGS WITH THE
KIDDIES.
♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING

KIDDIES.
♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING
ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪

♪ CHESTNUTS ROASTING
ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪
♪ JACK FROST NIPPING

ON AN OPEN FIRE ♪
♪ JACK FROST NIPPING
AT YOUR NOSE ♪

♪ JACK FROST NIPPING
AT YOUR NOSE ♪
HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI.

AT YOUR NOSE ♪
HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI.
AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME

HI, I'M JOHN BELUSHI.
AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE,

AH, BUT YOU CAN CALL ME
BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE,
PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE

BELUSH, JUST LIKE MY CLOSE,
PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE
DOES.

PERSONAL FRIEND CHEVY CHASE
DOES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE

DOES.
YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE
CHRISTMAS.

YOU KNOW, IT'S CORNY, BUT I LOVE
CHRISTMAS.
HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE

CHRISTMAS.
HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE
YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR

HEY, I'D LOVE TO SIT AROUND THE
YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR
DAUGHTER.

YULE LOG AND PLAY WITH YOUR
DAUGHTER.
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH

DAUGHTER.
ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH
THIS CHRISTMAS.

ACTUALLY, I'M NOT DOING MUCH
THIS CHRISTMAS.
UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER?

THIS CHRISTMAS.
UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER?
I'M NOT FUSSY.

UH, ANYWAY, HOW ABOUT DINNER?
I'M NOT FUSSY.
I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME

I'M NOT FUSSY.
I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME
PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE

I'D LIKE SOME CANDIED YAMS, SOME
PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE
STUFFED WITH DRUGS.

PLUM PUDDING, A ROAST GOOSE
STUFFED WITH DRUGS.
QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD

STUFFED WITH DRUGS.
QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD
BE REAL NICE.

QUADRAPHONIC SOUND SYSTEM WOULD
BE REAL NICE.
AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF

BE REAL NICE.
AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF
YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE

AND MAYBE I COULD USE A CAR IF
YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE
BRAND-NEW CAR.

YOU'VE GOT ONE... A NICE
BRAND-NEW CAR.
IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD

BRAND-NEW CAR.
IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD
GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE

IF YOU'VE GOT A 15-YEAR OLD
GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE
NICE.

GIRL, OF COURSE, THAT WOULD BE
NICE.
14, I DON'T CARE. 16.

NICE.
14, I DON'T CARE. 16.
NICE GIRL.

SO, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE THAT

SPECIAL AMERICAN FAMILY, WHY NOT

WRITE TO...

RUNNERS-UP WILL RECEIVE A

PERSONAL PHONE CALL FROM

DON PARDO.

COME ON, WHAT DO YOU SAY?

HI, MOM AND DAD!

[APPLAUSE]

ONE NIGHT THIS JULY,
GARY GILMORE KILLED A UTAH
SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND

GARY GILMORE KILLED A UTAH
SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND
THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A

SERVICE-STATION ATTENDANT, AND
THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A
25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN

THE NEXT NIGHT HE SHOT A
25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN
THE HEAD.

25-YEAR-OLD STUDENT TWICE IN
THE HEAD.
HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND

THE HEAD.
HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND
MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH.

HE WAS CONVICTED OF THE SECOND
MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH.
GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE

MURDER AND SENTENCED TO DEATH.
GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE
SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY

GILMORE REQUESTED THAT THE
SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY
FIRING SQUAD.

SENTENCE BE CARRIED OUT BY
FIRING SQUAD.
PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED

FIRING SQUAD.
PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED
WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE

PRISON OFFICIALS WERE FLOODED
WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE
VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A

WITH CALLS FROM PEOPLE
VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A
JOB WHICH PAYS $125.

VOLUNTEERING TO SHOOT GILMORE, A
JOB WHICH PAYS $125.
GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING

JOB WHICH PAYS $125.
GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING
WITH PUBLISHERS AND

GILMORE'S LAWYER IS NEGOTIATING
WITH PUBLISHERS AND
MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK

WITH PUBLISHERS AND
MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK
AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS

MOTION-PICTURE STUDIOS FOR BOOK
AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS
BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION.

AND MOVIE RIGHTS, AND THERE HAS
BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION.
ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED

BEEN A CRY FOR PUBLIC EXECUTION.
ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED
PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT,

ALL THREE NETWORKS HAVE ASKED
PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT,
AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT

PERMISSION TO FILM THE EVENT,
AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT
GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF

AND, IF PERMISSION IS NOT
GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF
FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A

GRANTED, THEN THERE'S TALK OF
FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A
DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG

FILMING THE EXECUTION FROM A
DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG
GLIDER.

DIRIGIBLE, HELICOPTER, OR HANG
GLIDER.
AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT

GLIDER.
AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT
"SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A

AND SO IT'S IN THIS SPIRIT THAT
"SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A
VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" HAS PREPARED A
VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG.
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]

VERY SPECIAL CHRISTMAS SONG.
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY

[MID-TEMPO MUSIC PLAYS]
♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY
IN UTAH ♪

♪ THERE'S A LITTLE GUY
IN UTAH ♪
♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪

IN UTAH ♪
♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪
♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING

♪ WITH A SINGLE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪
♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING
THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪

♪ FOR ONE SPECIAL THING
THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪
♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET

THAT CAN'T BE SUBSTITUTED ♪
♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET
ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS,

♪ DOESN'T WANT TO GET
ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS,
OR GET PET FISH ♪

ELECTRIC TRAINS, GET TOYS,
OR GET PET FISH ♪
♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET

OR GET PET FISH ♪
♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET
IS EXECUTED ♪

♪ ALL HE REALLY WANTS TO GET
IS EXECUTED ♪
♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE

IS EXECUTED ♪
♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE
FOR CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ SO LET'S KILL GARY GILMORE
FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP

FOR CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP
THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪

♪ LET'S HANG HIM FROM ATOP
THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪
♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY

THE CHRISTMAS TREE ♪
♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY
GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪

♪ LET'S GIVE TO HIM THE ONLY
GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪
♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET

GIFT THAT MONEY CAN'T BUY ♪
♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET
HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪

♪ PUT POISON IN HIS EGGNOG, LET
HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪
LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG

HIM DRINK IT, WATCH HIM DIE ♪
LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG
ON THE FIRE...

LET'S THROW ANOTHER YULE LOG
ON THE FIRE...
AND THEN LET'S THROW

ON THE FIRE...
AND THEN LET'S THROW
GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO...

AND THEN LET'S THROW
GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO...
WITH A RIBBON SO GAY

GARY GILMORE ON THERE, TOO...
WITH A RIBBON SO GAY
AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY...

WITH A RIBBON SO GAY
AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY...
"DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO

AND A CARD THAT WILL SAY...
"DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO
YOU."

"DEAR GARY, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO
YOU."
♪ IN THE MEADOW,

YOU."
♪ IN THE MEADOW,
WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW,
WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE

WE CAN BUILD A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE
PACKED INSIDE ♪

♪ ONE WITH GARY GILMORE
PACKED INSIDE ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD

PACKED INSIDE ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD
YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪

♪ WE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU DEAD
YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪
♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE

YET?" HE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN" ♪
♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE
FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪

♪ BUT WE'LL WAIT OUT THE
FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪
♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪

FROSTBITE TILL HE DIES ♪
♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪
♪ JUST ASK IT ♪

♪ I'VE ONE CHRISTMAS WISH ♪
♪ JUST ASK IT ♪
♪ PLEASE PUT GARY

♪ JUST ASK IT ♪
♪ PLEASE PUT GARY
IN A CASKET ♪

♪ PLEASE PUT GARY
IN A CASKET ♪
♪ SO LET'S TOLL

IN A CASKET ♪
♪ SO LET'S TOLL
THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪

♪ SO LET'S TOLL
THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪
♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR

THE SILVER BELLS FOR HIM ♪
♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR
WHAT THEY SAY ♪

♪ WHILE HE CAN STILL HEAR
WHAT THEY SAY ♪
♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪

WHAT THEY SAY ♪
♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪
♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪

♪ DING-DONG DING-DONG ♪
♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪
♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪

♪ YOU'RE DEAD, SO LONG ♪
♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪
♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪

♪ WE CAN THRILL GARY GILMORE ♪
♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪
♪ ON THIS CHRISTMAS DAY ♪

♪ IF WE KILL GARY GILMORE ♪
♪ ON THIS CHRISTMAS DAY ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW HERE'S
FRANK ZAPPA WITH "PEACHES EN
REGALIA."

FRANK ZAPPA WITH "PEACHES EN
REGALIA."
["PEACHES EN REGALIA" PLAYS]

[SONG ENDS]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS]

WE'RE ON?
OH, WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF

OH, WELL, ON BEHALF OF THE
"SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF
AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE,

"SATURDAY NIGHT" CREW AND MYSELF
AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

AND ALL GOOD PEOPLE EVERYWHERE,
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE.
AND, UM...

AND WE'RE ALL SKATING HERE.
AND, UM...
WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE.

AND, UM...
WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE.
AND... AND KEEP TALKING.

WELL, BE NICE TO EVERYONE.
AND... AND KEEP TALKING.
[LAUGHS]

AND... AND KEEP TALKING.
[LAUGHS]
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND

[LAUGHS]
MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND
DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND

MERRY CHRISTMAS FROM GILDA AND
DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND
JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND

DANNY AND JOHN AND LARAINE AND
JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND
DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR

JANE AND LORNE AND GARRETT AND
DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR
THING TO DO TO ME.

DAVEY... THIS IS SUCH AN UNFAIR
THING TO DO TO ME.
CAN I SKATE NOW?

THING TO DO TO ME.
CAN I SKATE NOW?
OH, THE TREE HERE...

CAN I SKATE NOW?
OH, THE TREE HERE...
THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER

OH, THE TREE HERE...
THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER
CENTER TREE.

THE TREE HERE IS THE ROCKEFELLER
CENTER TREE.
WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT.

CENTER TREE.
WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT.
HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE

WE ALL SAW IT BEING LIT.
HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE
AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE

HEY, YOU GUYS COULD COME HERE
AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE
CLOSING OF THE SHOW.

AND HELP ME FILL SPACE ON THE
CLOSING OF THE SHOW.
COME HERE, JOHN.

CLOSING OF THE SHOW.
COME HERE, JOHN.
COME HERE AND TALK.

COME HERE, JOHN.
COME HERE AND TALK.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR

COME HERE AND TALK.
NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR
YOU, AND HERE WE ARE.

NOW WE'RE GOING TO SKATE FOR
YOU, AND HERE WE ARE.
OH, BOY.

YOU, AND HERE WE ARE.
OH, BOY.
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: NBC's "SATURDAY

NIGHT" WILL RETURN LIVE JANUARY

15, 1977.

BUT NEVER FEAR... WE'LL BE WITH

YOU AS WE REPEAT SHOWS WITH

MADELINE KAHN ON DECEMBER 18th,

ELLIOTT GOULD ON DECEMBER 25th,

AND RICHARD PRYOR ON JANUARY

8th.

IN THE MEANTIME, THIS IS THE

GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PAST,

DON PARDO, WISHING YOU HAPPY

HOLIDAYS AND SAYING GOOD NIGHT.

♪ JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS! ♪

♪ JINGLE ALL THE WAY! ♪

♪ OH, WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE ♪

♪ IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH! ♪

OH, I'M THE SLIME!

I WAS THE SLIME!

JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS, AND

HAPPY HOLIDAYS, EVERYBODY!

[High-pitched] ♪ O

TANNENBAUM, O TANNENBAUM ♪