Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - Candice Bergen/Martha Reeves/The Stylistics - full transcript

[PIANO INTRODUCTION PLAYS]
♪ PIN YOUR CHRISTMAS BONNET ♪
♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪

♪ PIN YOUR CHRISTMAS BONNET ♪
♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪
♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪

♪ AND ALL THE TRIMS UPON IT ♪
♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪
HERE IS YOUR COGNAC,

♪ LA LA, LA LA, LA LA ♪
HERE IS YOUR COGNAC,
MR. PRESIDENT.

HERE IS YOUR COGNAC,
MR. PRESIDENT.
FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A

MR. PRESIDENT.
FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A
LONG TIME NOW.

FRED, YOU'VE BEEN WITH ME A
LONG TIME NOW.
I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE

LONG TIME NOW.
I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE
YOU HAVE TO CALL ME

I DON'T THINK ON CHRISTMAS EVE
YOU HAVE TO CALL ME
MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE.

YOU HAVE TO CALL ME
MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS

MR. PRESIDENT ANYMORE.
UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS
FRANK.



UH, MR. PRESIDENT, MY NAME IS
FRANK.
FRANK?

FRANK.
FRANK?
UH-HUH.

FRANK?
UH-HUH.
WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?

UH-HUH.
WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?
WELL, HOW ABOUT

WHAT SHOULD I CALL YOU?
WELL, HOW ABOUT
DR. PRESIDENT?

WELL, HOW ABOUT
DR. PRESIDENT?
OKAY.

DR. PRESIDENT?
OKAY.
DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY

OKAY.
DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY
SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE

DR. PRESIDENT, THE FIRST LADY
SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE
CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT

SAYS THAT YOU SHOULD TURN UP THE
CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT
EVERYONE CAN HEAR.

CHRISTMAS CAROLS SO THAT
EVERYONE CAN HEAR.
NO PROBLEM THERE.

EVERYONE CAN HEAR.
NO PROBLEM THERE.
[VOLUME DECREASES]

NO PROBLEM THERE.
[VOLUME DECREASES]
WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN

[VOLUME DECREASES]
WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN
AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE,



WOULD YOU ASK BETTY TO COME IN
AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE,
PLEASE?

AND HELP ME TRIM THE TREE,
PLEASE?
UH, YES, SIR.

PLEASE?
UH, YES, SIR.
THANK YOU.

[WHISTLES SOFTLY]
UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE

UH, MR. PRESIDENT, IT'S TIME
FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE
FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION.

FOR YOUR CHRISTMAS EVE
FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION.
OH, YES.

FIRESIDE CHAT WITH THE NATION.
OH, YES.
ALL RIGHT. FINE.

OH, YES.
ALL RIGHT. FINE.
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT. FINE.
THANK YOU.
10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT.

THANK YOU.
10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT.
OH.

10 SECONDS, MR. PRESIDENT.
OH.
5... 4...

OH.
5... 4...
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY

5... 4...
MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY
CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND

MY FELLOW AMERICANS, MERRY
CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND
GOOD EVENING.

CHRISTMAS TO ALL OF YOU, AND
GOOD EVENING.
Announcer: LADIES AND

GOOD EVENING.
Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.

GENTLEMEN, THE PRESIDENT OF THE
UNITED STATES.
JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS

UNITED STATES.
JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS
EVE.

JOIN ME FOR THIS CHRISTMAS
EVE.
PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE

EVE.
PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE
FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME

PERHAPS SIT WITH ME BY THE
FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME
TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND

FIRESIDE AND SPEND THIS TIME
TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND
SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE

TOGETHER AS I PUT UP JACK AND
SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE
FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE

SUSAN'S STOCKINGS AND PUT THE
FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE
WHITE HOUSE TREE.

FINAL ORNAMENT UP ON THE
WHITE HOUSE TREE.
THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A

WHITE HOUSE TREE.
THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A
WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS FOR THE

THIS WILL, INDEED, BE A
WONDERFUL CHRISTMAS FOR THE
ENTIRE NATION, I HOPE.

PEACE AND GOODWILL...
TOWARD ALL MEN.
JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS

TOWARD ALL MEN.
JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS
TREE ORNAMENT ON THE TREE.

JUST PUT THE FINAL CHRISTMAS
TREE ORNAMENT ON THE TREE.
NO PROBLEM.

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

WITH MUSICAL GUEST...

GRAY PANTHER...

THE NOT-READY-FOR-PRIME-TIME

PLAYERS...

AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
CANDICE BERGEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE
TONIGHT.

I DON'T HAVE A SNAPPY MONOLOGUE
TONIGHT.
I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE

TONIGHT.
I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE
BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS

I DON'T HAVE ANY SASSY REPARTEE
BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS
SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO

BECAUSE, IN FACT, DOING THIS
SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO
MYSELF.

SHOW IS MY CHRISTMAS PRESENT TO
MYSELF.
I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT

MYSELF.
I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT
WAS ONE OF THE NICEST

I HOSTED IT LAST MONTH, AND IT
WAS ONE OF THE NICEST
EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY

WAS ONE OF THE NICEST
EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY
LIFE.

EXPERIENCES I'VE EVER HAD IN MY
LIFE.
SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR

LIFE.
SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR
PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR

SO I WOULD LIKE TO THANK OUR
PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR
GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL

PRODUCER, LORNE MICHAELS, FOR
GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL
CHRISTMAS...

GIVING ME SUCH A SWELL
CHRISTMAS...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

AND FOR CREATING A SHOW THAT
IS SO SPECIAL, WITH SUCH SPECIAL
PEOPLE.

IS SO SPECIAL, WITH SUCH SPECIAL
PEOPLE.
AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE,

PEOPLE.
AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE,
I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO

AND SPEAKING OF SPECIAL PEOPLE,
I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO
START THE SHOW THAN WITH

I CAN'T THINK OF A BETTER WAY TO
START THE SHOW THAN WITH
MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION

START THE SHOW THAN WITH
MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION
HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF

MARTHA REEVES, NOT TO MENTION
HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF
ANGELS.

HOWARD SHORE AND HIS BAND OF
ANGELS.
[APPLAUSE]

ANGELS.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO
"HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO
"HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS]
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

["HIGHER AND HIGHER" PLAYS]
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪
♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪

♪ LIFTED ME HIGHER ♪
♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪
♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪

♪ THAN I'VE EVER ♪
♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪
♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪

♪ BEEN LIFTED BEFORE ♪
♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪
♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪

♪ SO, KEEP IT UP ♪
♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪

♪ QUENCH MY DESIRE ♪
♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪
♪ FOREVERMORE ♪

♪ AND I'LL BE AT YOUR SIDE ♪
♪ FOREVERMORE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ FOREVERMORE ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪
♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST

♪ NOW, ONCE I WAS DOWNHEARTED ♪
♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST
FRIEND ♪

♪ DISAPPOINTMENT WAS MY CLOSEST
FRIEND ♪
♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪

FRIEND ♪
♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪
♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪

♪ THEN YOU CAME ♪
♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪
♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER

♪ AND IT SOON DEPARTED ♪
♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER
SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪

♪ NOW YOU KNOW IT'S NEVER
SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪
♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪

SHOWING ITS FACE AGAIN ♪
♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ FROM THE PITS OF DESIRE ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ FROM THE PITS OF DESIRE ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ I'M SO GLAD ♪
♪ I FINALLY FOUND YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION

♪ I FINALLY FOUND YOU ♪
♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION
MAN ♪

♪ IT'S THAT ONE-IN-A-MILLION
MAN ♪
♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS

MAN ♪
♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS
AROUND YOU ♪

♪ AND NOW WITH MY LOVING ARMS
AROUND YOU ♪
♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪

AROUND YOU ♪
♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪
♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪

♪ I CAN STAND UP ♪
♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪
♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ TO FACE THE WORLD AGAIN ♪
♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ IT'S BECAUSE YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOU KNOW, YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪
♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪

ME ♪
♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON ♪
♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪

♪ KEEPS ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪

♪ LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪

♪ HIGHER AND HIGHER ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING

♪ YOUR LOVE ♪
♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪

♪ YOUR LOVE KEEPS LIFTING
ME ♪
♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪

ME ♪
♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪

♪ LET IT KEEP LIFTING ME ♪
♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪

♪ KEEP ON LIFTING ME ♪
♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪

♪ HIGHER ♪
♪ TAKES ME HIGHER ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI, I'M MEL FOR MEL'S CHAR
PALACE, WHERE YOU FIND YOUR OWN
COW!

PALACE, WHERE YOU FIND YOUR OWN
COW!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!

COW!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER
200 HEAD!

YOU SELECT YOUR COW FROM OVER
200 HEAD!
YOU STUN IT!

200 HEAD!
YOU STUN IT!
YOU CUT IT!

YOU STUN IT!
YOU CUT IT!
YOU CHARBROIL IT!

YOU CUT IT!
YOU CHARBROIL IT!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!

YOU CHARBROIL IT!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
WE GIVE YOU THE SAW!

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
WE GIVE YOU THE SAW!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS,

WE GIVE YOU THE SAW!
YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS,
BLADES, AND ROASTS!

YOU CUT YOUR OWN SIRLOINS, TIPS,
BLADES, AND ROASTS!
YOU FIND IT!

BLADES, AND ROASTS!
YOU FIND IT!
YOU STUN IT!

YOU FIND IT!
YOU STUN IT!
YOU CUT IT!

YOU STUN IT!
YOU CUT IT!
AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT

YOU CUT IT!
AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT
IT!

AS BIG AND AS THICK AS YOU WANT
IT!
ONLY AT MEL'S CHAR PALACE!

IT!
ONLY AT MEL'S CHAR PALACE!
OUR SAWS ARE LIGHT!

HERE'S MRS. MEL!

SHOW 'EM HOW TO WORK THE SAW!

[CHAIN SAW BUZZES]

YEAH, SHE DOES IT!

YOU CAN, TOO, AT MEL'S CHAR

PALACE... ROUTE 17, PARAMUS!

[Southern accent] WHERE IS
BILLY?
IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL

BILLY?
IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL
TOMORROW.

IT'S 10:30, AND HE'S GOT SCHOOL
TOMORROW.
[Southern accent] OH,

TOMORROW.
[Southern accent] OH,
THAT'S OKAY.

[Southern accent] OH,
THAT'S OKAY.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT

THAT'S OKAY.
HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT
NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY

HE TOLD ME HE WAS HELPING THAT
NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY
SALES.

NICE MR. ELI OUT WITH THE CANDY
SALES.
HE'LL BE HOME.

SALES.
HE'LL BE HOME.
YEAH, AND YOUNG

HE'LL BE HOME.
YEAH, AND YOUNG
CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING

YEAH, AND YOUNG
CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING
FOR THREE WEEKS.

CLYDE MARYVILLE HAS BEEN MISSING
FOR THREE WEEKS.
I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME.

FOR THREE WEEKS.
I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]

I WANT BILLY HOME ON TIME.
[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO, JESPERSONS.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO, JESPERSONS.
WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING.

HELLO, JESPERSONS.
WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING.
[Southern accent] DAD?

WILLIAM SR. SPEAKING.
[Southern accent] DAD?
BILLY?

[Southern accent] DAD?
BILLY?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?

BILLY?
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?
UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT, SON?
UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE
STATION, DAD.

UH, I'M DOWN AT THE POLICE
STATION, DAD.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]

STATION, DAD.
[EXHALES SHARPLY]
WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU.

[EXHALES SHARPLY]
WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU.
COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO

WELL, SON, I KNOW YOU.
COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO
SERIOUS.

COULDN'T BE ANYTHING TOO
SERIOUS.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF

SERIOUS.
YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF
THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR

YOU'D BE SURPRISED AT SOME OF
THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR
AGE.

THE THINGS I DID WHEN I WAS YOUR
AGE.
WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW,

AGE.
WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW,
BILLY?

WHAT ARE YOU ACCUSED OF, NOW,
BILLY?
MURDER.

BILLY?
MURDER.
IS THAT BILLY?

MURDER.
IS THAT BILLY?
IS HE ALL RIGHT?

IS THAT BILLY?
IS HE ALL RIGHT?
BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE

IS HE ALL RIGHT?
BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE
NOW, MOTHER.

BILLY'S IN A LITTLE TROUBLE
NOW, MOTHER.
NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA

NOW, MOTHER.
NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.

NOW, BILLY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA
BE ALL RIGHT.
YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP

BE ALL RIGHT.
YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP
YOU OUT.

YOUR MOTHER AND I ARE GONNA HELP
YOU OUT.
WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE.

YOU OUT.
WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE.
WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY

WE'LL GET A LAWYER DOWN THERE.
WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY
TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR

WE'LL SPEND ANY AMOUNT OF MONEY
TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR
INNOCENCE, BILLY.

TO GET A LAWYER TO PROVE YOUR
INNOCENCE, BILLY.
WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD.

INNOCENCE, BILLY.
WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD.
WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE

WELL, I'M GUILTY, DAD.
WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE
YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO

WELL, UH, YOUR MOM AND I LOVE
YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO
ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU.

YOU VERY MUCH, SON, AND WE'LL DO
ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU.
AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU

ANYTHING WE CAN TO HELP YOU.
AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU
DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD

AND I'M SURE THAT WHATEVER YOU
DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD
REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,

DID THERE, YOU DID FOR A GOOD
REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
BILLY.

REASON, AND YOU'RE A GOOD BOY,
BILLY.
NO, I'M NOT.

BILLY.
NO, I'M NOT.
SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS.

NO, I'M NOT.
SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS.
UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH.

SEE, I HELPED TO KILL 26 BOYS.
UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH.
WELL, I PICKED UP THESE

UH, 26 BOYS? UH-HUH.
WELL, I PICKED UP THESE
HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM

WELL, I PICKED UP THESE
HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM
OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S.

HITCHHIKERS AND BROUGHT THEM
OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S.
AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE,

OVER TO PARTIES AT MR. ELI'S.
AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE,
AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT

AND, WELL, THEY'D SNIFF GLUE,
AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT
PLYWOOD...

AND WE HAD THIS MAKESHIFT
PLYWOOD...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

PLYWOOD...
WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
HOLD ON, NOW.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
HOLD ON, NOW.
NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING

HOLD ON, NOW.
NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING
OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER

NOW, DON'T YOU BLURT ANYTHING
OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER
DOWN THERE.

OUT THERE UNTIL I GET A LAWYER
DOWN THERE.
IS HE HURT?

DOWN THERE.
IS HE HURT?
PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE.

IS HE HURT?
PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE.
YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT.

PLEASE, MAMA, PLEASE.
YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT.
HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE

YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT.
HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE
NOW.

HE'S IN A LITTLE BIT OF TROUBLE
NOW.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF.

NOW.
I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF.
NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME

I'LL TELL YOU WHEN I GET OFF.
NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME
DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE

NOW, BILLY, WE'RE GONNA COME
DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE
LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND

DOWN THERE WITH A LAWYER, AND WE
LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND
YOU JUST BE BRAVE.

LOVE YOU, WE BELIEVE IN YOU, AND
YOU JUST BE BRAVE.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT,

YOU JUST BE BRAVE.
KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT,
SON?

KEEP YOUR CHIN UP, ALL RIGHT,
SON?
OKAY, DAD.

SON?
OKAY, DAD.
OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON.

OKAY, DAD.
OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON.
BYE.

OKAY. BYE-BYE, NOW, SON.
BYE.
IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT?

BYE.
IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT?
NO, IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, MAMA.

IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, IS IT?
NO, IT ISN'T MARIJUANA, MAMA.
OH, THANK THE LORD!

DO YOU HAVE A FUNNY HOME
MOVIE THAT YOU THINK AMERICA
WOULD ENJOY?

MOVIE THAT YOU THINK AMERICA
WOULD ENJOY?
IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE,

WOULD ENJOY?
IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE,
IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER

IF YOU DO, OR WANT TO MAKE ONE,
IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER
THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's

IN SUPER 8 OR 16mm, NO LONGER
THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE

THAN TWO MINUTES, NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE
IT, SO SEND IT TO US.

"SATURDAY NIGHT" WANTS TO SEE
IT, SO SEND IT TO US.
WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE.

IT, SO SEND IT TO US.
WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR

WE'LL TELL YOU HOW IN A MINUTE.
NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR
SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES?

NOW, WHAT DO YOU GET FOR
SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES?
WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY

SENDING US YOUR HOME MOVIES?
WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY
GET, DON PARDO?

WOULD YOU TELL THEM WHAT THEY
GET, DON PARDO?
Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET

GET, DON PARDO?
Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.

Announcer: CANDICE, THEY GET
ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL

ABSOLUTELY NOTHING.
AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL
NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF

AND IN ADDITION, THE FILM WILL
NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF
COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A

NOT BE RETURNED, UNLESS, OF
COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A
SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE.

COURSE, THEY SEND ALONG A
SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE.
UH-HUH.

SELF-ADDRESSED STAMPED ENVELOPE.
UH-HUH.
TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES,

UH-HUH.
TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES,
DON PARDO.

TELL THEM ABOUT GUARANTEES,
DON PARDO.
Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE

DON PARDO.
Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE
SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO

Announcer: CANDICE, PEOPLE
SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO
GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY

SENDING IN HOME MOVIES HAVE NO
GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY
OF THE FILM.

GUARANTEES THAT NBC WILL USE ANY
OF THE FILM.
AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL

OF THE FILM.
AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL
THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE,

AH, WELL, IF IT IS USED, TELL
THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE,
DON PARDO.

THEM WHAT RIGHTS THEY HAVE,
DON PARDO.
Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE

DON PARDO.
Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE
NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER.

Announcer: CANDICE, THEY HAVE
NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER.
BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED

NO RIGHTS WHATSOEVER.
BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED
RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL

BUT NBC WILL HAVE UNLIMITED
RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL
MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY

RIGHTS TO USE THE FILM IN ALL
MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY
AND PROMOTION.

MEDIA AND IN RELATED PUBLICITY
AND PROMOTION.
ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER?

AND PROMOTION.
ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER?
SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES

ISN'T THIS A WONDERFUL OFFER?
SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.

SEND IN YOUR HOME-MOVIE COMEDIES
AS FAST AS YOU CAN.
TELL THEM WHERE, DON PARDO.

Announcer: SEND YOUR HOME

MOVIES, UP TO TWO MINUTES,

SUPER 8 OR 16mm, TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND
CURRENT ADDRESS.
THANK YOU.

CURRENT ADDRESS.
THANK YOU.
AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME

THANK YOU.
AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME
TELEVISION SHOW.

AND NOW BACK TO OUR HOME
TELEVISION SHOW.
CANDY?

TELEVISION SHOW.
CANDY?
YES, CHEVY?

CANDY?
YES, CHEVY?
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR

YES, CHEVY?
PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR
HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO

PERHAPS WE OUGHT TO SHOW OUR
HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO
AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY

HOME AUDIENCE AND STUDIO
AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY
"HOME MOVIE."

AUDIENCE JUST WHAT WE MEAN BY
"HOME MOVIE."
OKAY.

"HOME MOVIE."
OKAY.
WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY?

OKAY.
WOULD YOU STEP THIS WAY?
NO, JUST KIDDING.

WE HAPPEN TO HAVE MADE A

2-MINUTE FILM OURSELVES, AND,

UH...

[BELLS CHIMING]

WE THOUGHT WE MIGHT SHOW IT TO

YOU NOW.

IT'S THE BEE CAPADES, OF

COURSE, ON THE ROCKEFELLER

SKATING RINK.

DAVE, DO YOU WANT TO ROLL IT?

THERE YOU ARE.
OH, THAT'S ME.
YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES

OH, THAT'S ME.
YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES
FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS

YEAH, AND THERE ARE THE BEES
FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS
TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE

FORMING A TRADITIONAL CHRISTMAS
TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE
MIDDLE.

TREE WITH YOU SKATING IN THE
MIDDLE.
OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE

MIDDLE.
OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE
ON ALL OF THESE.

OF COURSE, WE HAD A HIGH ANGLE
ON ALL OF THESE.
THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE.

ON ALL OF THESE.
THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE.
THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A

THERE'S YOU AGAIN, CANDICE.
THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A
FORMATION HERE.

THE BEES ARE GOING INTO A
FORMATION HERE.
WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE.

FORMATION HERE.
WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE.
I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A

WE LOST OUR PICTURE ABOVE.
I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A
FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY

I BELIEVE THEY WERE DOING A
FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY
SAUCE HERE.

FORMATION DESCRIBING CRANBERRY
SAUCE HERE.
THAT'S ME.

SAUCE HERE.
THAT'S ME.
MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME.
MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU.
AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS

MM-HMM. THERE'S YOU.
AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS
NATIVITY TABLEAU.

AND HERE COMES THE FAMOUS
NATIVITY TABLEAU.
WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE

NATIVITY TABLEAU.
WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE
FROM ABOVE.

WE HAD SUCH A BEAUTIFUL ANGLE
FROM ABOVE.
THERE'S YOU AGAIN.

FROM ABOVE.
THERE'S YOU AGAIN.
THAT'S ME, YES.

THERE'S YOU AGAIN.
THAT'S ME, YES.
LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW

THAT'S ME, YES.
LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW
MOTION.

LET'S LOOK AT THAT IN SLOW
MOTION.
THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE

MOTION.
THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE
BEES.

THE NATIVITY TABLEAU BY THE
BEES.
AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP

BEES.
AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP
THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET

AND WE LOST THE PICTURE UP
THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET
AN IDEA OF IT HERE.

THERE, BUT YOU CAN SORT OF GET
AN IDEA OF IT HERE.
THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY.

AN IDEA OF IT HERE.
THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY.
THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS.

THEY MOVE VERY GRACEFULLY.
THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS.
AND THERE'S YOU.

THE PRECISION OF ARMY ANTS.
AND THERE'S YOU.
YES, THAT'S ME THERE.

AND THERE'S YOU.
YES, THAT'S ME THERE.
UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL.

YES, THAT'S ME THERE.
UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL.
HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH

UNDAUNTINGLY BEAUTIFUL.
HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH
FORMATION.

HERE COMES THEIR FOURTH
FORMATION.
NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT

FORMATION.
NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT
FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER.

NONE OF US COULD FIGURE THIS OUT
FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER.
THAT'S ME THERE.

FROM THE ICE, IF YOU REMEMBER.
THAT'S ME THERE.
THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME THERE.
THERE'S YOU.
HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US

THERE'S YOU.
HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US
COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY

HOWEVER, FROM ABOVE, NONE OF US
COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY
WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR

COULD FIGURE THIS OUT, SO THEY
WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR
FOURTH FORMATION.

WENT IMMEDIATELY INTO THEIR
FOURTH FORMATION.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.

FOURTH FORMATION.
AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THAT'S ME.

AND THERE YOU HAVE IT.
THAT'S ME.
THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME.
THERE'S YOU.
AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY

THERE'S YOU.
AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY
WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL

AND I BELIEVE NOW THAT WHAT THEY
WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL
SOMETHING OUT.

WERE TRYING TO DO WAS SPELL
SOMETHING OUT.
I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR

SOMETHING OUT.
I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR
"ADESTE FIDELIS."

I THINK IT WAS "MISTLETOE" OR
"ADESTE FIDELIS."
BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE

"ADESTE FIDELIS."
BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE
EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR

BUT THEY WENT BACK INTO THE
EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR
SOME STRANGE REASON.

EXACT SAME FORMATION HERE FOR
SOME STRANGE REASON.
THAT'S ME AGAIN.

SOME STRANGE REASON.
THAT'S ME AGAIN.
THERE'S YOU.

THAT'S ME AGAIN.
THERE'S YOU.
NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I

THERE'S YOU.
NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I
REMEMBER, HERE.

NOW, WE GOT OUR PICTURE BACK, I
REMEMBER, HERE.
THERE'S ME.

REMEMBER, HERE.
THERE'S ME.
AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE

THERE'S ME.
AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE
BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR

AND FROM THE HIGH ANGLE, THE
BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR
TRAINER, LEON.

BEES DID A TRIBUTE TO THEIR
TRAINER, LEON.
[APPLAUSE]

THAT'S PRETTY MUCH IT.
ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL AND
CHRISTMASY?

ISN'T THAT BEAUTIFUL AND
CHRISTMASY?
IT'S GORGEOUS.

CHRISTMASY?
IT'S GORGEOUS.
JUST TWO MINUTES.

Announcer: THIS CHRISTMAS,
SELECT YOUR GIFTS WISELY FROM
THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT

SELECT YOUR GIFTS WISELY FROM
THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT
CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME

THE DON PARDO DIGITAL GIFT
CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME
DIGITAL ASHTRAY.

CATALOGUE, LIKE THIS HANDSOME
DIGITAL ASHTRAY.
HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS

DIGITAL ASHTRAY.
HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS
AND TELLS TIME.

HOLDS UP TO 12 OUNCES OF BUTTS
AND TELLS TIME.
ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS.

AND TELLS TIME.
ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS.
AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND

ONLY $8.99 AT ALL OUTLETS.
AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND
REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM

AND NOW HERE'S SANTA AND
REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM
POLAROID.

REINDEER WITH A WORD FROM
POLAROID.
HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY.

POLAROID.
HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY.
YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST

HI, I'M THE EASTER BUNNY.
YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST
AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D

YOU KNOW, WITH GRADUATION JUST
AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D
LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE

AROUND THE CORNER, I BET YOU'D
LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE
SX-70 LAND CAMERA.

LIKE TO GET THIS POLAROID DELUXE
SX-70 LAND CAMERA.
CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE

SX-70 LAND CAMERA.
CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE
HELPER HERE.

CANDICE, SANTA NEEDS A LITTLE
HELPER HERE.
NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD

HELPER HERE.
NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD
OF DONDER AND BLITZEN.

NOTICE WHO HE CALLS INSTEAD
OF DONDER AND BLITZEN.
BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT

OF DONDER AND BLITZEN.
BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT
GET-WELL CARD.

BOY, YOU'D MAKE A GREAT
GET-WELL CARD.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN

GET-WELL CARD.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN
CLOSER THAN THAT.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN COME IN
CLOSER THAN THAT.
YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A

CLOSER THAN THAT.
YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A
FOOT.

YOU CAN COME IN AS CLOSE AS A
FOOT.
OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE

FOOT.
OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE
YOU.

OH, I DIDN'T WANT TO SCARE
YOU.
SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF

YOU.
SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF
RABBITS.

SOME PEOPLE ARE AFRAID OF
RABBITS.
LET'S SEE.

RABBITS.
LET'S SEE.
NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME

LET'S SEE.
NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME
THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS,

NOW, YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME
THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS,
SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE

THROUGH THE PICTURE-TAKING LENS,
SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE
PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET.

SO THE PICTURE YOU SEE IS THE
PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET.
WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT

PICTURE THAT YOU'LL GET.
WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT
IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY.

WELL, I SEE YOUR NOSE, BUT
IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY.
WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE

IT'S A LITTLE FUZZY.
WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE
LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS.

WELL, THEN YOU TURN THE
LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS.
OH, UP HERE.

LITTLE WHEEL TO FOCUS.
OH, UP HERE.
YEAH. OKAY.

OH, UP HERE.
YEAH. OKAY.
NOW IT'S SHARP.

YEAH. OKAY.
NOW IT'S SHARP.
OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED

NOW IT'S SHARP.
OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED
ELECTRIC BUTTON.

OKAY, NOW PRESS THE RED
ELECTRIC BUTTON.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]

ELECTRIC BUTTON.
[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT
FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE

WELL, IT DOESN'T COME OUT AT
FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE
TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE

FIRST, BUT, AS YOU CAN SEE, WE
TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE
THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES

TOOK SOME PICTURES JUST BEFORE
THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES
CAME UP IN MINUTES.

THE SHOW, AND THESE PICTURES
CAME UP IN MINUTES.
JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.

CAME UP IN MINUTES.
JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN.

JUST LOOK AT THOSE COLORS.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, JOHN.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM.

MERRY CHRISTMAS, CANDICE.
MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS

MERRY CHRISTMAS, TINY TIM.
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS
US ALL, ONE AND ALL.

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND GOD BLESS
US ALL, ONE AND ALL.
AND EVERYONE.

US ALL, ONE AND ALL.
AND EVERYONE.
AND YOU, TOO.

[INTRODUCTION TO "YOU MAKE ME
FEEL BRAND NEW" PLAYING]

♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ I'LL NEVER FIND THE WORDS ♪
♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER FIND THE WORDS ♪
♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪
♪ MY LOVE ♪

♪ TO TELL YOU HOW I FEEL ♪
♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ MERE WORDS ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ MERE WORDS ♪
♪ COULD NOT ♪

♪ MERE WORDS ♪
♪ COULD NOT ♪
♪ EXPLAIN ♪

♪ COULD NOT ♪
♪ EXPLAIN ♪
♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪

♪ EXPLAIN ♪
♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪
♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR

♪ PRECIOUS LOVE ♪
♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR
HANDS ♪

♪ YOU HELD MY LIFE WITHIN YOUR
HANDS ♪
♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪

HANDS ♪
♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪
♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪

♪ CREATED EVERYTHING I AM ♪
♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪
♪ ONLY YOU ♪

♪ TAUGHT ME HOW TO LIVE AGAIN ♪
♪ ONLY YOU ♪
♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪

♪ ONLY YOU ♪
♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪
♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK

♪ CAME WHEN I NEEDED A FRIEND ♪
♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK
AND THIN ♪

♪ BELIEVED IN ME THROUGH THICK
AND THIN ♪
♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪

AND THIN ♪
♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪
♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND

♪ THIS SONG IS FOR YOU ♪
♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND
LOVE ♪

♪ FILLED WITH GRATITUDE AND
LOVE ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ I SING THIS SONG 'CAUSE YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ I SING THIS SONG 'CAUSE YOU ♪
♪ MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ MY LOVE ♪
♪ WHENEVER I WAS INSECURE ♪
♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME

♪ WHENEVER I WAS INSECURE ♪
♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME
SURE ♪

♪ YOU BUILT ME UP AND MADE ME
SURE ♪
♪ YOU GAVE ♪

SURE ♪
♪ YOU GAVE ♪
♪ MY PRIDE ♪

♪ YOU GAVE ♪
♪ MY PRIDE ♪
♪ BACK TO ME ♪

♪ MY PRIDE ♪
♪ BACK TO ME ♪
♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪

♪ BACK TO ME ♪
♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪
♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A

♪ PRECIOUS FRIEND ♪
♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A
FRIEND ♪

♪ WITH YOU, I'LL ALWAYS HAVE A
FRIEND ♪
♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN

FRIEND ♪
♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN
DEPEND ♪

♪ YOU'RE SOMEONE WHO I CAN
DEPEND ♪
♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES

DEPEND ♪
♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES
BENDS ♪

♪ TO WALK A PATH THAT SOMETIMES
BENDS ♪
♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪

BENDS ♪
♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪

♪ WITHOUT YOU ♪
♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪
♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF

♪ LIFE HAS NO MEANING OR RHYME ♪
♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF
TIME ♪

♪ LIKE NOTES TO A SONG OUT OF
TIME ♪
♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING

TIME ♪
♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING
FAITH IN ME? ♪

♪ HOW CAN I REPAY YOU FOR HAVING
FAITH IN ME? ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪

FAITH IN ME? ♪
♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ GOD BLESS YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪

♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪

♪ FOR GOD BLESSED ME WITH YOU ♪
♪ YOU MAKE ME FEEL BRAND NEW ♪
[APPLAUSE]

INFLATIONARY PRICES GETTING
YOU DOWN?
THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY

YOU DOWN?
THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY
PRICES WITH THE NEW

THEN GET DOWN ON INFLATIONARY
PRICES WITH THE NEW
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM

PRICES WITH THE NEW
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM
K-PUT.

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN FROM
K-PUT.
SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG

K-PUT.
SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG
ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP

SIMPLY SNAP IN A K-PUT PRICE TAG
ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP
CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR

ROLL, ADJUST THE FINGERTIP
CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE

CONTROL PRICE DIAL, AIM YOUR
PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE
REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE

PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN OVER THE
REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE
TRIGGER, AND PRESTO!

REGULAR MARKING, PULL THE
TRIGGER, AND PRESTO!
LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE

TRIGGER, AND PRESTO!
LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE
WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS.

LOOK AT THIS... A WHOLE
WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS.
A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST

WATERMELON FOR ONLY 3 CENTS.
A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST
4 CENTS.

A 12-POUND TURKEY FOR JUST
4 CENTS.
SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.

4 CENTS.
SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR

SAVE THOUSANDS OF DOLLARS.
FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR
PENNIES A DAY.

FEED YOUR ENTIRE FAMILY FOR
PENNIES A DAY.
SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.

PENNIES A DAY.
SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.
IT'S FUN AND EASY.

SHOP FOR YOUR FRIENDS.
IT'S FUN AND EASY.
ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR

IT'S FUN AND EASY.
ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR
K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR

ONE TRIP TO THE STORE, AND YOUR
K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR
ITSELF.

K-PUT STAMP GUN WILL PAY FOR
ITSELF.
BUY EVERYTHING YOU EVER WANTED.

THERE'S NO BETTER WAY TO STRETCH

YOUR SHOPPING DOLLARS.

K-PUT'S PRICE-IS-RITE STAMP GUN,

A STEAL AT ONLY $49.95 WHILE

THEY LAST.

THAT'S $49.95 TO...

VOID WHERE PROHIBITED BY LAW.

♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪
♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪
♪ OH ♪

♪ WHO WOULDN'T KNOW? ♪
♪ OH ♪
TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH.

♪ OH ♪
TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH.
TO THE TOP OF THE WALL.

TO THE TOP OF THE PORCH.
TO THE TOP OF THE WALL.
NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY,

TO THE TOP OF THE WALL.
NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY,
DANCE AWAY ALL!

NOW DANCE AWAY, DANCE AWAY,
DANCE AWAY ALL!
HEE HEE!

DANCE AWAY ALL!
HEE HEE!
♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪

HEE HEE!
♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪
♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪

♪ UP ON THE HOUSETOP ♪
♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ CLICK, CLICK, CLICK ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS!

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

MERRY CHRISTMAS!
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪
SIS?

♪ WHO WOULDN'T... ♪
SIS?
OH, MY GOD.

SIS?
OH, MY GOD.
DON'T LOOK, SIS.

OH, MY GOD.
DON'T LOOK, SIS.
BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF

DON'T LOOK, SIS.
BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF
YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK.

BE A LOT LESS PAINFUL FOR YOU IF
YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK.
MY OWN BROTHER.

YOU JUST, UH, TRY NOT TO LOOK.
MY OWN BROTHER.
I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF

MY OWN BROTHER.
I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF
ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER?

I MIGHT HAVE EXPECTED THIS OF
ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER?
IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG,

ANYONE, BUT MY OWN BROTHER?
IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG,
LINDA.

IT'S BEEN MY SECRET SO LONG,
LINDA.
I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU

LINDA.
I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU
FOUND OUT.

I GUESS I'M ALMOST GLAD YOU
FOUND OUT.
IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL

FOUND OUT.
IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL
THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO

IT'S LIKE SOME RELIEF AFTER ALL
THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO
FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT

THESE YEARS FOR SOMEBODY TO
FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT
I'M... I'M A...

FINALLY REALIZE AND KNOW THAT
I'M... I'M A...
LATENT ELF?!

I'M... I'M A...
LATENT ELF?!
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO

LATENT ELF?!
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO
SAY?!

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE TRYING TO
SAY?!
YES, I'M AN ELF!

SAY?!
YES, I'M AN ELF!
I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!

YES, I'M AN ELF!
I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!
NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT

I'M AN ELF, AND I'M PROUD OF IT!
NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT
I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s

NOW MAYBE YOU'LL UNDERSTAND WHAT
I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s
OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED.

I WAS DOING WITH ALL THOSE 8x10s
OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED.
HOW DID IT START, TEDDY?

OF SANTA'S HELPERS OVER MY BED.
HOW DID IT START, TEDDY?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?

HOW DID IT START, TEDDY?
HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED

HOW DID IT HAPPEN?
YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO

YOU WERE ALWAYS A RED-BLOODED
AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO
FOOTBALL PRACTICE!

AMERICAN BOY GOING OFF TO
FOOTBALL PRACTICE!
ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO

FOOTBALL PRACTICE!
ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO
FOOTBALL PRACTICE!

ONLY I WOULDN'T GO OFF TO
FOOTBALL PRACTICE!
I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE

FOOTBALL PRACTICE!
I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE
AND MAKE MERRY.

I'D GO OFF TO SOME LEAFY GLADE
AND MAKE MERRY.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.

AND MAKE MERRY.
I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT.
ALL RIGHT.
SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT

ALL RIGHT.
SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT
MARRIED.

SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEVER GOT
MARRIED.
OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN

MARRIED.
OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN
MARRIED.

OH, I COULD HAVE GOTTEN
MARRIED.
LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD

MARRIED.
LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD
PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE

LOTS OF US GET MARRIED, LEAD
PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE
CHILDREN.

PERFECTLY NORMAL LIVES, HAVE
CHILDREN.
WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE

CHILDREN.
WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE
MORE DISCREET?

WOULD YOU MIND BEING A LITTLE
MORE DISCREET?
I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS.

MORE DISCREET?
I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS.
YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING,

I CAN SEE YOUR BELLS.
YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING,
DON'T YOU?

YOU THINK I'M DISGUSTING,
DON'T YOU?
NO, NOT DISGUSTING.

DON'T YOU?
NO, NOT DISGUSTING.
JUST SORT OF...

NO, NOT DISGUSTING.
JUST SORT OF...
IMPISH AND SPRY.

JUST SORT OF...
IMPISH AND SPRY.
SPRY?

IMPISH AND SPRY.
SPRY?
SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN

SPRY?
SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN
DICTIONARIES.

SEEN THAT WORD SO MANY TIMES IN
DICTIONARIES.
I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS.

DICTIONARIES.
I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS.
I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD

I'VE HEARD IT OVER THE YEARS.
I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD
APPLY TO ME.

I SOMEHOW NEVER DREAMED IT WOULD
APPLY TO ME.
I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY.

APPLY TO ME.
I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY.
I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER,

I NEVER DID, EITHER, TEDDY.
I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER,
BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE

I MEAN, WE GREW UP TOGETHER,
BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE
SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW

BOTH OF US, REFERRING TO THE
SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW
THIS!

SEVEN DWARFS AS "THEY," AND NOW
THIS!
YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY,

THIS!
YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY,
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS

YOU KNOW, I GUESS, IN A WAY,
I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS
EARLIER.

I'M SURPRISED YOU DIDN'T GUESS
EARLIER.
MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE

EARLIER.
MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE
SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE

MANY'S THE TIME I COULD HAVE
SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE
TWINKLE IN MY EYE.

SWORN YOU MIGHT HAVE CAUGHT THE
TWINKLE IN MY EYE.
WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF

TWINKLE IN MY EYE.
WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF
PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR

WELL, EVEN IF I DID, LOTS OF
PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR
EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T

PEOPLE HAVE TWINKLES IN THEIR
EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T
KNOW.

EYE... DICK CAVETT, I DON'T
KNOW.
YOU DON'T MEAN...

KNOW.
YOU DON'T MEAN...
[SCOFFS]

YOU DON'T MEAN...
[SCOFFS]
MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE.

[SCOFFS]
MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE

MOST TALK-SHOW HOSTS ARE.
YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE
THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL PROBABLY HANDLE
THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU
REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS

THIS A LOT BETTER ONCE YOU
REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS
PERFECTLY NORMAL.

REALIZE THAT FROLICKING IS
PERFECTLY NORMAL.
SURE.

PERFECTLY NORMAL.
SURE.
I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE.

SURE.
I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE.
I LIKE TO PRANCE.

I MEAN, YOU LIKE TO DANCE.
I LIKE TO PRANCE.
I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT.

I LIKE TO PRANCE.
I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT.
I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY

I LIKE TO LOSE MY HAT.
I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY
HEAD.

I LIKE TO PUT IT BACK ON MY
HEAD.
DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT

HEAD.
DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT
THAN YOU?

DOES THAT MAKE ME ANY DIFFERENT
THAN YOU?
I SUPPOSE NOT.

THAN YOU?
I SUPPOSE NOT.
THERE YOU ARE.

I SUPPOSE NOT.
THERE YOU ARE.
YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE

THERE YOU ARE.
YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE
SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE

YOU THINK OF THE ELVES AND THE
SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE
STORY.

SHOEMAKER AS SOME KIND OF A CUTE
STORY.
I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN

STORY.
I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN
FOR LIFE.

I THINK OF IT AS A GRAND DESIGN
FOR LIFE.
SO?

FOR LIFE.
SO?
SO WHAT?

SO?
SO WHAT?
I'M SORRY, TEDDY.

SO WHAT?
I'M SORRY, TEDDY.
IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO

I'M SORRY, TEDDY.
IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO
GET USED TO IT.

IT'S JUST TAKING ME A WHILE TO
GET USED TO IT.
THAT'S ALL.

GET USED TO IT.
THAT'S ALL.
BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT.

THAT'S ALL.
BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT.
AW, SIS.

BUT I'LL LEARN TO ACCEPT IT.
AW, SIS.
TEDDY.

AW, SIS.
TEDDY.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

TEDDY.
YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

YOU'RE THE GREATEST.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD!
I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR

OH, MY GOD, IT'S MOM AND DAD!
I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR
THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND

I TOLD THEM TO MEET ME HERE FOR
THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND
NOW...

THE CLUB CHRISTMAS PARTY AND
NOW...
HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE

NOW...
HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE
IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT.

HEY, IF THEY HAVE TO HANDLE
IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT.
BOY, I HOPE SO.

IT, THEY'LL HANDLE IT.
BOY, I HOPE SO.
MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME

BOY, I HOPE SO.
MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME
IN, I THINK THERE'S ONE THING

MOM, DAD, UH, BEFORE YOU COME
IN, I THINK THERE'S ONE THING
YOU SHOULD KNOW.

SO, YOU'RE ONE OF THEM.
MOM, LISTEN...
IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA.

MOM, LISTEN...
IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA.
YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR

IT'S ALL RIGHT, LINDA.
YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR
YEARS.

YOUR FATHER HAS BEEN ONE FOR
YEARS.
DAD?!

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE LEARNED
TO LIVE WITH.
ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES

TO LIVE WITH.
ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES
AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED,

ALL THOSE LONELY CHRISTMAS EVES
AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED,
WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS

AFTER YOU KIDS WENT TO BED,
WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS
TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS

WONDERING WHOSE TREE HE WAS
TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS
STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO.

TRIMMING, WHOSE STOCKING HE WAS
STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO.
COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D

STICKING A LUMP OF COAL INTO.
COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D
BETTER TALK.

COME ON, MOM, I THINK WE'D
BETTER TALK.
[DOOR CLOSES]

BETTER TALK.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]

[DOOR CLOSES]
[SIGHS]
SON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

[SIGHS]
SON, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.
DAD, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

♪ UP ON THE ROOFTOP ♪
♪ QUICK, QUICK, QUICK! ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪

♪ QUICK, QUICK, QUICK! ♪
♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪

♪ DOWN THROUGH THE CHIMNEY ♪
♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

♪ WITH GOOD SAINT NICK ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪

♪ HO, HO, HO ♪
♪ WHO WOULDN'T GO? ♪
♪ HO, HO, HO ♪

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
I WASN'T THAT MAD.

CHEVY CHASE.
I WASN'T THAT MAD.
TEETH ALWAYS HURT.

I WASN'T THAT MAD.
TEETH ALWAYS HURT.
I TOLD YOU THAT.

TEETH ALWAYS HURT.
I TOLD YOU THAT.
G...

I TOLD YOU THAT.
G...
GOOD EVENING.

G...
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A
HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A
HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT
HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH

HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT
HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH
FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY.

HUBERT HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH
FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY.
HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION

FORD AND REAGAN IN POPULARITY.
HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION
WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW,

HARRIS SAID THAT IF THE ELECTION
WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW,
HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE

WERE TO BE HELD TOMORROW,
HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE
PRESIDENT.

HUBERT HUMPHREY WOULD BE THE
PRESIDENT.
HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED

PRESIDENT.
HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED
FOR COMMENT TODAY.

HUMPHREY COULD NOT BE REACHED
FOR COMMENT TODAY.
HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY,

FOR COMMENT TODAY.
HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY,
TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN.

HE'S RUNNING AROUND THE COUNTRY,
TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN.
YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY

TRYING TO GET THE POLLS OPEN.
YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY
HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH

YESTERDAY A DELIGHTED HUMPHREY
HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH
HE STRUCK SIX CLASSIC POSES FOR

HELD A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH
HE STRUCK SIX CLASSIC POSES FOR
PHOTOGRAPHERS.

THIS BULLETIN JUST IN.
FROM MADRID, SPAIN, COMES THE
WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO

FROM MADRID, SPAIN, COMES THE
WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO
FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD.

WORD THAT GENERALISSIMO
FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD.
DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS

FRANCISCO FRANCO IS STILL DEAD.
DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS
UNCHANGED.

DOCTORS SAY HIS CONDITION IS
UNCHANGED.
WELL, THE TRIAL OF

UNCHANGED.
WELL, THE TRIAL OF
SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED.

WELL, THE TRIAL OF
SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED.
HERE, REPORTING FROM THE

SQUEAKY FROMME HAS ENDED.
HERE, REPORTING FROM THE
COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO,

HERE, REPORTING FROM THE
COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO,
CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT

COURTROOM IN SACRAMENTO,
CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT
DAVID HAYWARD.

CALIFORNIA, IS CORRESPONDENT
DAVID HAYWARD.
LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS

DAVID HAYWARD.
LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS
SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER

LYNETTE "SQUEAKY" FROMME WAS
SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER
ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S

SENTENCED TO LIFE TODAY FOR HER
ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S
LIFE.

ATTEMPT ON PRESIDENT FORD'S
LIFE.
U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE

LIFE.
U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE
MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS

U.S. DISTRICT COURT JUDGE
MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS
CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE

MacBRIDE, SAYING HE WAS
CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE
MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE,

CONVINCED MS. FROMME WOULD HAVE
MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE,
DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND

MURDERED FORD IF SHE COULD HAVE,
DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND
REHABILITATION.

DECLARED THAT SHE WAS BEYOND
REHABILITATION.
MS. FROMME LET OUT A

REHABILITATION.
MS. FROMME LET OUT A
BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER

MS. FROMME LET OUT A
BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER
SENTENCING.

BLOODCURDLING SCREAM AFTER
SENTENCING.
"YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE

SENTENCING.
"YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE
JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR

"YOU FOOL," SHE SHOUTED AT THE
JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR
LIFE!"

JUDGE, "I TRIED TO SAVE YOUR
LIFE!"
THE SENTENCE CAME IN.

LIFE!"
THE SENTENCE CAME IN.
FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH

THE SENTENCE CAME IN.
FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH
AN APPLE.

FROMME HIT THE PROSECUTOR WITH
AN APPLE.
THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS

AN APPLE.
THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS
FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM

THOUSANDS WATCHED ON TV AS
FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM
THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS.

FROMME WAS CARRIED BODILY FROM
THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS.
AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY

THE COURTROOM BY U.S. MARSHALS.
AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY
LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND

AN OVERWORKED AND EXHAUSTED JURY
LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND
CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY

LEFT THE COURTROOM SATISFIED AND
CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY
HOTEL.

CELEBRATED LATER IN A NEARBY
HOTEL.
THIS IS DAVID HAYWARD FOR

HOTEL.
THIS IS DAVID HAYWARD FOR
"WEEKEND UPDATE," REPORTING.

THE MATTEL TOY COMPANY HAS
INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL JUST IN
TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.

INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL JUST IN
TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.
IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER.

TIME FOR CHRISTMAS.
IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER.
TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE

IT'S CALLED GROWING UP SKIPPER.
TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE
GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND

TWIST THE DOLL'S ARM, AND SHE
GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND
DEVELOPS A BUST.

GROWS AN INCH TALLER AND
DEVELOPS A BUST.
FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE

DEVELOPS A BUST.
FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE
GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND,

FUTURE MARKETING PLANS INCLUDE
GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND,
GROWN-UP CINDY.

GROWING UP SKIPPER'S FRIEND,
GROWN-UP CINDY.
TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS,

GROWN-UP CINDY.
TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS,
"WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S

TWIST HER ARM, AND SHE SAYS,
"WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND,

"WHATEVER YOU LIKE, DEAR," "IT'S
RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND,
"NOT TONIGHT.

RIGHT WHERE YOU LEFT IT," AND,
"NOT TONIGHT.
I HAVE A HEADACHE."

"NOT TONIGHT.
I HAVE A HEADACHE."
FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY

I HAVE A HEADACHE."
FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY
THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY

FROM NEW ORLEANS COMES A STORY
THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY
JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH

THAT FORMER DISTRICT ATTORNEY
JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH
WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN

JIM GARRISON HAS COME UP WITH
WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN
REPORT THEORY.

WHAT HE CALLS THE SECOND WARREN
REPORT THEORY.
GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE

REPORT THEORY.
GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE
WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN

GARRISON MAINTAINS THAT THERE
WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN
COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE

WERE ACTUALLY TWO WARREN
COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE
REPORT, INDICATING AN

COMMISSIONS INVOLVED IN THE
REPORT, INDICATING AN
INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY.

REPORT, INDICATING AN
INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY.
AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA,

INVESTIGATIVE CONSPIRACY.
AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA,
THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT

AND FROM BATON ROUGE, LOUISIANA,
THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT
ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE

THE BATON ROUGE DISTRICT
ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE
ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING

ATTORNEY MAINTAINS THAT THERE
ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING
IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY.

ARE TWO JIM GARRISONS, CALLING
IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY.
MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES

IT THE SECOND GARRISON THEORY.
MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES
LATER.

MORE ON THESE FOUR STORIES
LATER.
A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE"

LATER.
A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE"
PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE

A CORRECTION IN A STORY "UPDATE"
PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE
REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE

PRESENTED LAST WEEK, IN WHICH WE
REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE
SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I

REPORTED THAT GEORGE WALLACE
SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I
DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR

SAID IN A RECENT SPEECH, "I
DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR
OF HIS SKIN.

DON'T JUDGE A MAN BY THE COLOR
OF HIS SKIN.
I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW

OF HIS SKIN.
I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW
WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK

I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING TO HOW
WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK
WHEN HE SMILES."

WELL YOU CAN SEE HIM IN THE DARK
WHEN HE SMILES."
APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT

WHEN HE SMILES."
APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT
SAY THAT.

APPARENTLY MR. WALLACE DID NOT
SAY THAT.
HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING

SAY THAT.
HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING
TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE."

HE SAID, "I JUDGE HIM ACCORDING
TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE."
RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE

TO HOW WELL HE CAST FAST-DANCE."
RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE
REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND

RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR LIVE
REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND
LARAINE NEWMAN.

REMOTE IN TIMES SQUARE AND
LARAINE NEWMAN.
LARAINE?

LARAINE NEWMAN.
LARAINE?
CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN

LARAINE?
CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN
BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE

CHEVY, I'M STANDING IN
BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE
IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS

BELOW-FREEZING TEMPERATURES HERE
IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS
UNCANNILY QUIET.

IN TIMES SQUARE, WHERE IT IS
UNCANNILY QUIET.
OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION,

UNCANNILY QUIET.
OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION,
THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED

OF COURSE, AS IS THE TRADITION,
THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED
CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN

THE GIANT BALL ATOP THE ALLIED
CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN
ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING

CHEMICAL BUILDING SHOULD BEGIN
ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING
OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW.

ITS SLOW DESCENT SOON TO RING
OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW.
AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE

OUT THE OLD, BRING IN THE NEW.
AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE
INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE.

AGAIN, INEXPLICABLY, RELATIVE
INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE.
CHEVY?

INACTIVITY HERE IN TIMES SQUARE.
CHEVY?
WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW

CHEVY?
WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW
THERE, LARAINE?

WHAT TIME DO YOU HAVE NOW
THERE, LARAINE?
I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10

THERE, LARAINE?
I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10
MINUTES PAST 12:00.

I HAVE APPROXIMATELY 10
MINUTES PAST 12:00.
WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL

MINUTES PAST 12:00.
WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL
NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT,

WELL, NOW, WOULDN'T THE BALL
NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT,
LARAINE?

NORMALLY DROP AROUND MIDNIGHT,
LARAINE?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

LARAINE?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
CHEVY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
CHEVY.
THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED

CHEVY.
THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED
OCCURRENCE IN THE...

THIS IS AN UNPRECEDENTED
OCCURRENCE IN THE...
AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE

OCCURRENCE IN THE...
AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE
TODAY?

AND, LARAINE, WHAT'S THE DATE
TODAY?
DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE?

TODAY?
DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE?
CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th.

DO YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE THE DATE?
CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th.
LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE

CHEVY, IT'S DECEMBER 20th.
LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE
NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st?

LARAINE, ISN'T NEW YEAR'S EVE
NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,

NORMALLY ON DECEMBER 31st?
YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
CHEVY.

YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT,
CHEVY.
THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD

CHEVY.
THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD
PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T

THEN I GUESS THAT WOULD
PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T
IT?

PRETTY MUCH EXPLAIN IT, WOULDN'T
IT?
YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY.

IT?
YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY.
BACK TO YOU.

YES, I GUESS IT WOULD, CHEVY.
BACK TO YOU.
CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.

BACK TO YOU.
CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.
CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF

CORRESPONDENT LARAINE NEWMAN.
CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF
ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME

CHER BONO, ESTRANGED WIFE OF
ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME
WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE

ROCK STAR GREGG ALLMAN, ONETIME
WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE
MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY

WIFE OF SONNY BONO, AND ONCE
MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY
PARTNER, THOUGH STILL

MORE HIS TELEVISION COMEDY
PARTNER, THOUGH STILL
MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS

PARTNER, THOUGH STILL
MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS
PREGNANT.

MRS. ALLMAN OFFICIALLY, IS
PREGNANT.
CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM

PREGNANT.
CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM
HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED

CHER ALREADY HAS A DAUGHTER FROM
HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED
CHASTITY.

HER FIRST MARRIAGE NAMED
CHASTITY.
AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER

CHASTITY.
AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER
SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY.

AND HER INTENDED NAME FOR HER
SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY.
MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST.

SECOND CHILD... PUBLICITY.
MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST.
THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT

MASS SUICIDE IN THE SOUTHWEST.
THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT
OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE

THOUSANDS ARE DEAD, AND IT'S NOT
OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE
CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER

OVER YET IN WHAT AUTHORITIES ARE
CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER
MASSACRE.

CALLING THE TEXAS CHAIN LETTER
MASSACRE.
DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A

MASSACRE.
DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A
LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR

DISCOVERED WITH THE VICTIMS, A
LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR
OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF

LETTER THAT READS, "DEAR
OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF
THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND

OCCUPANT, SEND EIGHT COPIES OF
THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND
THEN KILL YOURSELF.

THIS LETTER TO YOUR FRIENDS AND
THEN KILL YOURSELF.
PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN."

THEN KILL YOURSELF.
PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN."
LISTED AMONG THE DEAD...

PLEASE DON'T BREAK THE CHAIN."
LISTED AMONG THE DEAD...
GENERAL WALSH OF THE

LISTED AMONG THE DEAD...
GENERAL WALSH OF THE
PHILIPPINES.

GENERAL WALSH OF THE
PHILIPPINES.
WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN

PHILIPPINES.
WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN
ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE

WELL, THE FIGHTING CONTINUES IN
ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE
FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION

ANGOLA AS THE MAJOR POWERS VIE
FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION
IN AND AROUND THAT NATION.

FOR STRATEGIC TACTICAL POSITION
IN AND AROUND THAT NATION.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH

IN AND AROUND THAT NATION.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH
ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA

"WEEKEND UPDATE" IS READY WITH
ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA
SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH

ANOTHER LIVE REPORT VIA
SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH
CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE

SATELLITE TRANSMISSION WITH
CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE
OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE

CORRESPONDENT MALCOLM McCUNE
OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE
NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN

OVER A DIRECT TELEPHONE LINE
NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN
LUANDA, ANGOLA.

NEWSROOM FEED FROM WAR-TORN
LUANDA, ANGOLA.
HELLO?

LUANDA, ANGOLA.
HELLO?
HELLO?

HELLO?
HELLO?
HELLO? ANGOLA?

HELLO?
HELLO? ANGOLA?
VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU.

HELLO? ANGOLA?
VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU.
ANGELO?

VERY HARD TO HEAR YOU.
ANGELO?
NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A

ANGELO?
NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A
DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM

NO, WE'RE SUPPOSED TO HAVE A
DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM
ANGOLA.

DIRECT AUDIO AND VIDEO FEED FROM
ANGOLA.
WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.

ANGOLA.
WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER.

WELL, I'M SORRY TO BOTHER YOU.
IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER.
MM-HMM. BYE.

IT MUST BE THE WRONG NUMBER.
MM-HMM. BYE.
WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO

MM-HMM. BYE.
WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO
PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET

WELL, WE HAD A LITTLE AUDIO
PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET
MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.

PROBLEM THERE, AND WE'LL GET
MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.
CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE

MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.
CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE
ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE

CONFUSION CONTINUES OVER THE
ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE
WORLD.

ANGOLAN SITUATION THROUGHOUT THE
WORLD.
THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS

WORLD.
THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS
SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I

THE JAPANESE PRIME MINISTER IS
SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I
ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A

SAID TO HAVE COMMENTED, "I
ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A
SWEATER."

ALWAYS THOUGHT ANGOLA WAS A
SWEATER."
OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S

SWEATER."
OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S
WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT

OPPOSING PRESIDENT FORD'S
WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT
OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED

WISHES, THE SENATE VOTED TO CUT
OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED
TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA,

OFF AID TO THE FACTIONS OPPOSED
TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA,
MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE

TO THE LIBERATION OF ANGOLA,
MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE
U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR

MAINTAINING THAT IT HAS COST THE
U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR
AND THAT THE SITUATION IS

U.S. OVER $32 MILLION THIS YEAR
AND THAT THE SITUATION IS
POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM.

AND THAT THE SITUATION IS
POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM.
FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY

POTENTIALLY ANOTHER VIETNAM.
FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY
SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH

FORD REPORTEDLY REACTED BY
SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH
ANOTHER VIETNAM?

SAYING, "WHAT'S WRONG WITH
ANOTHER VIETNAM?
WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE

ANOTHER VIETNAM?
WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE
GET IT RIGHT."

WE SHOULD KEEP DOING IT UNTIL WE
GET IT RIGHT."
WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS

GET IT RIGHT."
WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS
WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th

WELL, THE YEAR IS ALMOST ON ITS
WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th
ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES

WAY OUT AS 1976 AND THE 200th
ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES
OUR WAY.

ANNIVERSARY OF OUR NATION COMES
OUR WAY.
LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT

OUR WAY.
LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT
1975, SHALL WE?

LET'S TAKE A BRIEF LOOK BACK AT
1975, SHALL WE?
COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S

1975, SHALL WE?
COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S
MOTORCADE ROUTE THROUGH DENVER

COMING UP NEXT, PRESIDENT FORD'S
MOTORCADE ROUTE THROUGH DENVER
AFTER THIS MESSAGE.

Announcer: AND NOW HER SERENE

HIGHNESS, PRINCESS GRACE OF

MONACO, FOR NEW TARN-OFF.

HI, I'M PRINCESS GRACE FOR

TARN-OFF, ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW

TARNISH REMOVER.

THIS REVOLUTIONARY PRODUCT

CLEANS FAST AND EFFECTIVELY, AND

IT'S SAFE FOR EVERYTHING, EVEN

TARNISHED DIAMONDS.

WITH ONLY ONE DUNK...

NEW TARN-OFF EATS UP TARNISH,
LEAVES YOUR CROWN SPARKLING.
GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED

LEAVES YOUR CROWN SPARKLING.
GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED
JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING.

GETS DEEP DOWN BETWEEN ENCRUSTED
JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

JEWELS WITHOUT RUBBING.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER
BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM

AND TARN-OFF CLEANS A SCEPTER
BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM
EAT CAKE."

BEFORE YOU CAN SAY, "LET THEM
EAT CAKE."
TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY

EAT CAKE."
TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY
HEIRLOOMS.

TARN-OFF IS IDEAL FOR FAMILY
HEIRLOOMS.
REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS

HEIRLOOMS.
REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS
FROM OTHER CENTURIES.

REMOVES GRIT, GRIME, AND GERMS
FROM OTHER CENTURIES.
Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY!

FROM OTHER CENTURIES.
Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY!
TRY IT.

Both: OH, LOOK HOW SHINY!
TRY IT.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS.

TRY IT.
TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL

TELL YOUR FRIENDS.
TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL
HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND

TARN-OFF IS USED IN VICE REGAL
HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND
ASIA MINOR.

HOMES ALL OVER EUROPE AND
ASIA MINOR.
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND

ASIA MINOR.
AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND
YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY

AND IF YOU ORDER NOW, I'LL SEND
YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY
MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES.

YOU THIS BOOKLET OF SPICY
MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES.
I DON'T RUB.

MEDITERRANEAN RECIPES.
I DON'T RUB.
I DON'T SCRUB.

I DON'T RUB.
I DON'T SCRUB.
I DON'T EVEN WIPE WITH ROVCO'S

I DON'T SCRUB.
I DON'T EVEN WIPE WITH ROVCO'S
NEW TARN-OFF.

RECOGNIZING OUR OBLIGATION TO
PRESENT RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING
VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS,

PRESENT RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING
VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES

VIEWPOINTS TO OUR OPINIONS,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES
EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN

"WEEKEND UPDATE" INVITES
EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN
EDITORIAL.

EMILY LITELLA TO REPLY TO AN
EDITORIAL.
WHAT IS ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT

EDITORIAL.
WHAT IS ALL THIS I HEAR ABOUT
FIRING THE HANDICAPPED?

IT'S A DIRTY, FILTHY IDEA...

FIRING THE HANDICAPPED,

ESPECIALLY AT CHRISTMASTIME,

WHEN THERE'S SO MUCH MORE

OPPORTUNITY FOR THE HANDICAPPED

TO FIND EMPLOYMENT, LIKE LICKING

STAMPS AND ENVELOPES AND PUTTING

THE OUTFITS ON BARBIE DOLLS AND

PUTTING IN THE LITTLE RECORDED

MESSAGES IN CHATTY CATHYS AND

POSING FOR CHRISTMAS SEAL PHOTOS

AND PLAYING SANTA CLAUS, SITTING

DOWN IN LARGE DEPARTMENT STORES.

THE HOLIDAY SEASON IS THE TIME

WHEN THE HANDICAPPED NEED MONEY

TO BUY CHRISTMAS DINNER FOR

THEIR FAMILIES.

WHY, THEY'LL HAVE TO BUY CHEAP,
UNPLUCKED, FROZEN TURKEYS, AND
THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING

UNPLUCKED, FROZEN TURKEYS, AND
THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING
TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT.

THEY'LL HURT THEMSELVES TRYING
TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT.
AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS

TO PULL THE FEATHERS OUT.
AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS
OFF.

AND THEY'LL FREEZE THEIR LAPS
OFF.
WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO

OFF.
WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO
EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF

WHY, THEY'LL END UP HAVING TO
EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF
CHRISTMAS TOAST?

EAT TOAST, AND WHOEVER HEARD OF
CHRISTMAS TOAST?
MISS LITELLA?

CHRISTMAS TOAST?
MISS LITELLA?
MISS LITELLA?

MISS LITELLA?
MISS LITELLA?
IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT

MISS LITELLA?
IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT
"FIRE"... "HIRE" THE

IT'S "HIRE" THE HANDICAPPED, NOT
"FIRE"... "HIRE" THE
HANDICAPPED.

"FIRE"... "HIRE" THE
HANDICAPPED.
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING

HANDICAPPED.
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING
THE HANDICAPPED.

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT HIRING
THE HANDICAPPED.
OH.

THE HANDICAPPED.
OH.
WELL, THAT'S LOVELY.

OH.
WELL, THAT'S LOVELY.
NEVER MIND.

WELL, THAT'S LOVELY.
NEVER MIND.
AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE

NEVER MIND.
AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE
TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE

AND NOW, AS A PUBLIC SERVICE
TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE
DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I

TO THOSE OF OUR VIEWERS WHO HAVE
DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I
WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE

DIFFICULTY WITH THEIR HEARING, I
WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE
DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF

WILL REPEAT THE TOP STORY OF THE
DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF
THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD

DAY, AIDED BY THE HEADMASTER OF
THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD
OF HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS.

THE NEW YORK SCHOOL FOR THE HARD
OF HEARING, MR. GARRETT MORRIS.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... A

HARRIS POLL HAS REVEALED THAT

HUMPHREY IS AHEAD OF BOTH FORD

AND REAGAN.

GOOD NIGHT AND...

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A

PLEASANT TOMORROW!

[WASHING MACHINES WHIRRING]

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
TOMMY, DID YOU SEE THAT?
TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?

TOMMY, DID YOU SEE THAT?
TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
[THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD"

TOMMY, CAN YOU HEAR ME?
[THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD"
PLAYING]

[THE WHO'S "PINBALL WIZARD"
PLAYING]
TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME?

[PLAYING]
TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME?
HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE

TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE ME?
HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE
MOVING DOT?

HEY, TOMMY, CAN YOU SEE THE
MOVING DOT?
YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL

MOVING DOT?
YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL
WIZARD, BUT YOUR PONG SURE

YOU KNOW, YOU MAY BE A PINBALL
WIZARD, BUT YOUR PONG SURE
STINKS.

♪ GOOD KING PLOOBIS ONCE
LOOKED OUT ♪
♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪

LOOKED OUT ♪
♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪
AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY

♪ AND ALL HE SAW WAS... PEUTA ♪
AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY
BEFORE ME, OR IS IT

AH, IS THAT A MIRAGE OF BEAUTY
BEFORE ME, OR IS IT
SOPHIA LOREN?

BEFORE ME, OR IS IT
SOPHIA LOREN?
NO, IT'S PEUTA.

SOPHIA LOREN?
NO, IT'S PEUTA.
OH, THANK YOU, DARLING.

NO, IT'S PEUTA.
OH, THANK YOU, DARLING.
BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL?

OH, THANK YOU, DARLING.
BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL?
HMM.

BUT ISN'T EVERYTHING BEAUTIFUL?
HMM.
OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE

HMM.
OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE
WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE!

OH, THIS PARTY WILL BE
WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE!
WELL, IT SHOULD BE.

WRITTEN UP IN PEOPLE MAGAZINE!
WELL, IT SHOULD BE.
WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW.

WELL, IT SHOULD BE.
WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW.
YES, THAT'S TRUE.

WE INVITED THE WHOLE SHOW.
YES, THAT'S TRUE.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH

YES, THAT'S TRUE.
DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH
FOOD?

DO YOU THINK WE'LL HAVE ENOUGH
FOOD?
WELL, LET'S SEE.

FOOD?
WELL, LET'S SEE.
HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF

WELL, LET'S SEE.
HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF
ME.

HI, OH, SURE, THERE'S LOTS OF
ME.
I'M FOOD!

ME.
I'M FOOD!
EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME.

I'M FOOD!
EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME.
I LOVE IT!

EAT ME, TASTE ME, BITE ME.
I LOVE IT!
WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS

I LOVE IT!
WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS
BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I

WELL, SINCE THE DINNER HAS
BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I
MIGHT AS WELL.

BEEN UNFORTUITOUSLY DELAYED, I
MIGHT AS WELL.
GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME!

MIGHT AS WELL.
GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME!
I AM WHAT YOU EAT!

GOOD, EAT ME, EAT ME!
I AM WHAT YOU EAT!
JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN

I AM WHAT YOU EAT!
JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN
HERE.

JUICY BACK HERE, SPICY DOWN
HERE.
I AM A BANQUET.

HERE.
I AM A BANQUET.
DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS!

I AM A BANQUET.
DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS!
YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY.

DELICIOUS, DELICIOUS!
YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY.
IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF

YES, I HOPE THE GUESTS HURRY.
IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF
BUSINESS.

IF I'M NOT FRESH, I'M OUT OF
BUSINESS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

BUSINESS.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
[GROWLS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]
[GROWLS]
HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE

[GROWLS]
HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE
FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING.

HMM, I DO BELIEVE I HEAR THE
FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING.
OH!

FIRST GUESTS ARRIVING.
OH!
AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T

OH!
AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE

AND WHOEVER IT IS, I CAN'T
WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE
MISTLETOE.

WAIT TO GET 'EM UNDER THE
MISTLETOE.
OH! UGH.

MISTLETOE.
OH! UGH.
EVENING, SCRED.

OH! UGH.
EVENING, SCRED.
UH, YEAH.

EVENING, SCRED.
UH, YEAH.
NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS.

UH, YEAH.
NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS.
YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL

NICE TO SEE YOU, PLOOBIS.
YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL
TONIGHT.

YES, YOU'RE LOOKING WONDERFUL
TONIGHT.
AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE.

TONIGHT.
AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT

AND I'M UNDER THE MISTLETOE.
UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT
WONDERFUL, SCRED.

UH, YOU'RE NOT LOOKING THAT
WONDERFUL, SCRED.
TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS

WONDERFUL, SCRED.
TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS
EVERYBODY TONIGHT?

TELL ME, SCRED, WHERE IS
EVERYBODY TONIGHT?
OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE

EVERYBODY TONIGHT?
OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE
BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY!

OH, THEY'RE ALL OVER AT THE
BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY!
THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY?

BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY!
THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY?
THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH?

THE BEES' CHRISTMAS PARTY?
THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH?
YEAH.

THEY'RE HAVING A BIG BEE BASH?
YEAH.
OH.

YEAH.
OH.
I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE

OH.
I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE
US.

I WONDER WHY THEY DIDN'T INVITE
US.
WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT.

US.
WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT.
YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD

WELL, THAT MIGHT BE MY FAULT.
YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD
ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU

YOU SEE, LAST WEEK I OVERHEARD
ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU
LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR

ONE OF THE BEES COMMENT THAT YOU
LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR
GREEN WASHCLOTHS.

LOOK LIKE A FACTORY OUTLET FOR
GREEN WASHCLOTHS.
THE NERVE!

GREEN WASHCLOTHS.
THE NERVE!
YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,

THE NERVE!
YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!"

YEAH, SO I TOLD HIM, I SAID,
"AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!"
HEH HEH HEH.

"AHH! YOU EAT YOUR YOUNG!"
HEH HEH HEH.
YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE,

HEH HEH HEH.
YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE,
SCRED.

YOU GOT A NIMBLE TONGUE,
SCRED.
YEAH.

SCRED.
YEAH.
BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D

YEAH.
BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D
RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO

BUT THEN HE SAID, "WELL, I'D
RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO
YOUR PARTY!"

RATHER SHAVE MY LEGS THAN GO TO
YOUR PARTY!"
SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE

YOUR PARTY!"
SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE
UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN

SO I GUESS THAT'S WHEN HE MADE
UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN
PARTY.

UP HIS MIND TO HAVE HIS OWN
PARTY.
WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS

PARTY.
WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS
MUCH FUN AS OURS.

WELL, IT WON'T BE NEARLY AS
MUCH FUN AS OURS.
YEAH.

MUCH FUN AS OURS.
YEAH.
IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS

YEAH.
IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS
OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY.

IT'LL SURE TEACH HIM TO MIND HIS
OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

OWN BEESWAX, ANYWAY.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH! WHO'S THIS?

[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH! WHO'S THIS?
GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT?

OH! WHO'S THIS?
GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT?
HELLO, HELLO.

GOOD PARTY, WASN'T IT?
HELLO, HELLO.
THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED

HELLO, HELLO.
THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED
AT THE BEES'.

THE FUNNIEST THING JUST HAPPENED
AT THE BEES'.
SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT

AT THE BEES'.
SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT
OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY

SOMEBODY STARTED PLAYING "FLIGHT
OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY
ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE

OF THE BUMBLEBEE," AND THEN THEY
ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE
ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR

ALL STARTED FLYING AROUND THE
ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR
HEADS!

ROOM WITH LAMPSHADES ON THEIR
HEADS!
[BOTH LAUGH]

HEADS!
[BOTH LAUGH]
WASN'T THAT A RIOT?

[BOTH LAUGH]
WASN'T THAT A RIOT?
IT WAS TOO MUCH.

WASN'T THAT A RIOT?
IT WAS TOO MUCH.
HMM.

IT WAS TOO MUCH.
HMM.
WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS

HMM.
WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS
THE PITS.

WELL, THIS PARTY CERTAINLY IS
THE PITS.
HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'.

THE PITS.
HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'.
YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT

HEY, LET'S GO BACK TO THE BEES'.
YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT
TO SHOW "THE STING."

YEAH, ANYWAY, THEY'RE ABOUT
TO SHOW "THE STING."
RIGHT.

TO SHOW "THE STING."
RIGHT.
CATCH YA LATER.

RIGHT.
CATCH YA LATER.
COME ON, HONEY!

CATCH YA LATER.
COME ON, HONEY!
BYE.

COME ON, HONEY!
BYE.
YEAH.

BYE.
YEAH.
WELL.

YEAH.
WELL.
WELL...

WELL.
WELL...
I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY

WELL...
I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY
I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I

I JUST REMEMBERED A GREAT PARTY
I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I
GO STAG.

I COULD PROBABLY GET INTO IF I
GO STAG.
BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN

GO STAG.
BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN
"THE STING."

BESIDES, I'VE NEVER SEEN
"THE STING."
HAVE FUN.

"THE STING."
HAVE FUN.
WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE

HAVE FUN.
WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

WELL, SCRED, IT LOOKS LIKE
IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS.

IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.
WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS.
HI, EVERYBODY!

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS, BOSS.
HI, EVERYBODY!
OH, CANDY!

HI, EVERYBODY!
OH, CANDY!
AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY?

OH, CANDY!
AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY?
OH, NOT AT ALL.

AM I TOO LATE FOR THE PARTY?
OH, NOT AT ALL.
WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE

OH, NOT AT ALL.
WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE
FUN'S JUST BEGUN.

WHY, SINCE YOU GOT HERE, THE
FUN'S JUST BEGUN.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?

FUN'S JUST BEGUN.
WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH...

WHERE IS EVERYBODY?
OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH...
YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE

OH, WELL, UH, THEY, UH...
YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE
SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS.

YEAH, WELL, THEY'RE
SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS.
OH, AT THE BEES'.

SOCIALIZING WITH INSECTS.
OH, AT THE BEES'.
I WAS JUST THERE.

OH, AT THE BEES'.
I WAS JUST THERE.
IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY.

I WAS JUST THERE.
IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY.
HMM.

IT'S A TERRIFIC PARTY.
HMM.
GREAT.

HMM.
GREAT.
LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS

GREAT.
LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS
WONDERFUL.

LISTEN, I THINK THIS IS
WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE

WONDERFUL.
I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE
PARTIES... OF THREE.

I MEAN, I LOVE INTIMATE
PARTIES... OF THREE.
[SIGHS]

PARTIES... OF THREE.
[SIGHS]
COME ON, YOU GUYS.

[SIGHS]
COME ON, YOU GUYS.
♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE

COME ON, YOU GUYS.
♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE
CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ HAVE YOURSELVES A MERRY LITTLE
CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪

CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪
♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES

♪ LET YOUR HEART BE LIGHT ♪
♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES
WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪

♪ NEXT YEAR ALL YOUR TROUBLES
WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪
♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE

WILL BE OUT OF SIGHT ♪
♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE
CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ HAVE YOURSELF A MERRY LITTLE
CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪

CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪
♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE

♪ IF THE FATES ALLOW ♪
♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE
HIGHEST BOUGH ♪

♪ HANG A SHINING STAR UPON THE
HIGHEST BOUGH ♪
♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪

HIGHEST BOUGH ♪
♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪
♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ AND HAVE YOURSELF ♪
♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ NOW ♪

♪ A MERRY LITTLE CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ NOW ♪
OH, CANDY, UM, UH...

♪ NOW ♪
OH, CANDY, UM, UH...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?

OH, CANDY, UM, UH...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
WHY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING LATER?
WHY?
LET'S DITCH THAT GUY AND GO

WHY?
LET'S DITCH THAT GUY AND GO
TO THE BEES' PARTY.

MOMS, DADS, KIDS, AUNTS,
UNCLES, YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW!

UNCLES, YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS!
YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW!
YOU STUN IT!

YOU FIND YOUR OWN COW!
YOU STUN IT!
YOU DRAG IT!

YOU STUN IT!
YOU DRAG IT!
YOU CUT IT!

YOU DRAG IT!
YOU CUT IT!
MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT!

YOU CUT IT!
MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT!
THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL!

MEL'S SAWS ARE LIGHT!
THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL!
SHE DOES IT!

THIS LITTLE LADY IS MRS. MEL!
SHE DOES IT!
[CHAIN SAW BUZZES]

YOU CUT YOUR OWN STEAKS, ROASTS,

AND RUMPS ANY WAY YOU WANT 'EM

'CAUSE YOU DO THE CUTTING!

YOU CUT!

YOU BROIL!

MEL'S CHAR PALACE... ROUTE 15,

PARAMUS!

[INTRODUCTION TO
"WINTER WONDERLAND" PLAYS]
♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪

["WINTER WONDERLAND" PLAYS]
♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪
♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪

♪ SLEIGH BELLS RING ♪
♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪
♪ IN THE LANE ♪

♪ ARE YOU LISTENIN'? ♪
♪ IN THE LANE ♪
♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪

♪ IN THE LANE ♪
♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪

♪ SNOW IS GLISTENIN' ♪
♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪
♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪

♪ A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT ♪
♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ WE'RE HAPPY TONIGHT ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪

WONDERLAND ♪
♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪
♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪

♪ GONE AWAY IS THE BLUEBIRD ♪
♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪
♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪

♪ HERE TO STAY IS A NEW BIRD ♪
♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪
♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪

♪ HE SINGS A LOVE SONG ♪
♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ AS WE GO ALONG ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD

WONDERLAND ♪
♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD
A SNOWMAN ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD
A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS

A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS
PARSON BROWN ♪

♪ AND PRETEND THAT HE IS
PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU

PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU
MARRIED?" ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU
MARRIED?" ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪

MARRIED?" ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN

♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN
YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪

♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN
YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪
♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪

YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪
♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪
♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪

♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪
♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪
♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪

♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪
♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪
♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪

♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪
♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ IN THE MEADOW WE CAN BUILD
A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS

A SNOWMAN ♪
♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS
PARSON BROWN ♪

♪ THEN PRETEND THAT HE IS
PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU

PARSON BROWN ♪
♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU
MARRIED?" ♪

♪ HE'LL SAY, "ARE YOU
MARRIED?" ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪

MARRIED?" ♪
♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN

♪ WE'LL SAY, "NO, MAN ♪
♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN
YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪

♪ BUT YOU CAN DO THE JOB WHEN
YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪
♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪

YOU'RE IN TOWN" ♪
♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪
♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪

♪ LATER ON, WE'LL CONSPIRE ♪
♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪
♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪

♪ AS WE DREAM BY THE FIRE ♪
♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪
♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪

♪ TO FACE UNAFRAID ♪
♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

♪ THE PLANS THAT WE'VE MADE ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

WONDERLAND ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER

WONDERLAND ♪
♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪

♪ WALKING IN A WINTER
WONDERLAND ♪
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]

WONDERLAND ♪
[MUSIC CONCLUDES]
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: ONLY THE DON PARDO
DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE OFFERS
DIGITAL MOOD RINGS.

DIGITAL GIFT CATALOGUE OFFERS
DIGITAL MOOD RINGS.
CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU

DIGITAL MOOD RINGS.
CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU
TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE

CLEAR, BRIGHT READOUT TELLS YOU
TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE
IN.

TIME, DATE, AND WHAT MOOD YOU'RE
IN.
$59.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.

MIKE MENDOZA, CRIME

PHOTOGRAPHER, CHALLENGES YOU TO

SOLVE ANOTHER ACTUAL CASE

HISTORY FROM THE FILES OF THE

MEXICO CITY POLICE ON TONIGHT'S

EPISODE OF...

[CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
GOOD. GOT IT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT

GOOD. GOT IT.
SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT
PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY

SEE YOU TOMORROW ON THE FRONT
PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY
GLOBE-DISPATCH.

PAGE OF THE MEXICO CITY
GLOBE-DISPATCH.
HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.

GLOBE-DISPATCH.
HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO ARE YOU?

HEY. WAIT A MINUTE.
WHO ARE YOU?
WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"?

WHO ARE YOU?
WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"?
I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND

WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE CLAM"?
I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND
HERE, MIKE.

I'LL ASK THE QUESTIONS AROUND
HERE, MIKE.
WHO ARE YOU?

HERE, MIKE.
WHO ARE YOU?
WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S

WHO ARE YOU?
WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S
CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY.

WINONA FOXFIRE, THE VICTIM'S
CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY.
DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE

CONFIDENTIAL SECRETARY.
DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE
CLAM"?

DO YOU WANT TO PLAY "TRAP THE
CLAM"?
NO.

CLAM"?
NO.
WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES

NO.
WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES
AGO?

WHERE WERE YOU FIVE MINUTES
AGO?
ATTENDING A LECTURE ON

AGO?
ATTENDING A LECTURE ON
CHLORINE.

ATTENDING A LECTURE ON
CHLORINE.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?

CHLORINE.
WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
SHELL PINK.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
SHELL PINK.
WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE

SHELL PINK.
WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE
COLOR?

WHAT'S YOUR SECOND FAVORITE
COLOR?
ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE.

COLOR?
ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE.
WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE?

ROBIN'S-EGG BLUE.
WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE?
I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO

WHAT'S YOUR PET PEEVE?
I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO
DOESN'T HAVE A SCAR.

I CAN'T STAND A MAN WHO
DOESN'T HAVE A SCAR.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

SAY, LISTEN, I GOT A SCAR
RIGHT HERE WHERE I FELL OFF A
SCOOTER.

RIGHT HERE WHERE I FELL OFF A
SCOOTER.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR

SCOOTER.
YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR
HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COMB YOUR
HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST.
HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS,

HAIR WITH BUTTERED TOAST.
HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS,
BABY?

HEY, YOU WANT TO SEE SCARS,
BABY?
I GOT SCARS...

BABY?
I GOT SCARS...
EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO.

I GOT SCARS...
EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO.
MINX.

EAT MY HAIRNET, JOCKO.
MINX.
VIXEN.

MINX.
VIXEN.
A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES.

VIXEN.
A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES.
YEAH.

A BIT SLICK FOR MY TASTES.
YEAH.
HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT

YEAH.
HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY GETS ME HOT?

HEY, FELLAS, YOU KNOW WHAT
REALLY GETS ME HOT?
GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES.

REALLY GETS ME HOT?
GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT

GUYS WHO CAN'T SOLVE CRIMES.
THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES

THERE'S SOMETHING ABOUT
BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES
THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR.

BUMBLING, DIM-WITTED DETECTIVES
THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR.
WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK

THAT REALLY GUNS MY MOTOR.
WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK
SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR?

WELL, LOPEZ, WHO DO YOU THINK
SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR?
BEATS ME.

SNUFFED THE PROFESSOR?
BEATS ME.
I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA.

BEATS ME.
I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA.
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?

I HAVEN'T THE VAGUEST IDEA.
WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?
YOU GOT ME, PAL.

WHAT ABOUT YOURSELF?
YOU GOT ME, PAL.
I DON'T KNOW.

YOU GOT ME, PAL.
I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO

I DON'T KNOW.
MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO
AUDIENCE KNOWS.

MAYBE OUR VIEWING AND STUDIO
AUDIENCE KNOWS.
I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20

AUDIENCE KNOWS.
I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20
SECONDS TO COME UP WITH THE

I'M GOING TO GIVE THEM JUST 20
SECONDS TO COME UP WITH THE
RIGHT ANSWER, STARTING NOW.

[BUZZER SOUNDS]
TIME'S UP.
DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL

TIME'S UP.
DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS?

DON PARDO, WHY DON'T YOU TELL
THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS?
Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA.

THE FOLKS WHO THE MURDERER IS?
Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'M STUMPED.

Announcer: I HAVE NO IDEA.
I'M STUMPED.
ME, TOO.

I'M STUMPED.
ME, TOO.
I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED.

ME, TOO.
I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED.
TOTALLY NONPLUSSED.

I'M COMPLETELY BAFFLED.
TOTALLY NONPLUSSED.
Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR,

TOTALLY NONPLUSSED.
Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR,
HOWEVER.

Announcer: I DO HAVE A SCAR,
HOWEVER.
COME ON.

HOWEVER.
COME ON.
LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP.

COME ON.
LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP.
YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY

LET'S GET OUT OF THIS DUMP.
YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY
"STUFF THE BUNNY."

YOU CAN TEACH ME HOW TO PLAY
"STUFF THE BUNNY."
IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM."

"STUFF THE BUNNY."
IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM."
LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM

IT'S "TRAP THE CLAM."
LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM
ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP

LISTEN, WE CAN PLAY 'EM
ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP
THE CLAM."

ALL... "STUFF THE BUNNY," "TRAP
THE CLAM."
"SWALLOW THE SWAN."

THE CLAM."
"SWALLOW THE SWAN."
SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN."

"SWALLOW THE SWAN."
SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN."
I DON'T THINK I KNOW "SWALLOW

SURE! "SWALLOW THE SWAN."
I DON'T THINK I KNOW "SWALLOW
THE SWAN."

Announcer: NEXT WEEK, SEE

MIKE TACKLE THE MYSTERY OF THE

ONE-ARMED JAPANESE AQUA MAID

ON...

THIS HANDSOME 3-PIECE SUIT WITH
DIGITAL VEST IS AVAILABLE ONLY
THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT

DIGITAL VEST IS AVAILABLE ONLY
THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT
CATALOGUE.

THROUGH DON PARDO'S DIGITAL GIFT
CATALOGUE.
$129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.

CATALOGUE.
$129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.
[INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS"

$129.95 AT ALL OUTLETS.
[INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS"
PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO "SILVER BELLS"
PLAYS]
♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL

[PLAYS]
♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL
EMOTIONAL ♪

♪ CHRISTMAS MAKES YOU FEEL
EMOTIONAL ♪
♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES

EMOTIONAL ♪
♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES
OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪

♪ IT MAY BRING PARTIES
OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY

OR THOUGHTS DEVOTIONAL ♪
♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY
BE ♪

♪ WHATEVER HAPPENS OR WHAT MAY
BE ♪
♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME

BE ♪
♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME
MEANS TO ME ♪

♪ HERE IS WHAT CHRISTMASTIME
MEANS TO ME ♪
♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪

MEANS TO ME ♪
♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪
♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪

♪ CITY SIDEWALKS ♪
♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪
♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪

♪ BUSY SIDEWALKS ♪
♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪
♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING

♪ DRESSED IN HOLIDAY STYLE ♪
♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING
OF CHRISTMAS ♪

♪ IN THE AIR THERE'S A FEELING
OF CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪

OF CHRISTMAS ♪
♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪
♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪

♪ CHILDREN LAUGHING ♪
♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪
♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪

♪ PEOPLE PASSING ♪
♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪
♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER

♪ MEETING SMILE AFTER SMILE ♪
♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER
YOU HEAR ♪

♪ AND ON EVERY STREET CORNER
YOU HEAR ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

YOU HEAR ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE
CITY ♪

♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE
CITY ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪

CITY ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪
♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS,

DAY ♪
♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS,
EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪

♪ STRINGS OF STREETLIGHTS,
EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪
♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪

EVEN STOPLIGHTS ♪
♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪
♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH

♪ BLINK A BRIGHT RED AND GREEN ♪
♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH
ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪

♪ AS THE SHOPPERS RUSH HOME WITH
ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪
♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪

ALL THEIR TREASURES ♪
♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪
♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪

♪ HEAR THE SNOW CRUNCH ♪
♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪
♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪

♪ SEE THE KIDS BUNCH ♪
♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪
♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE

♪ THIS IS SANTA'S BIG SCENE ♪
♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE
YOU HEAR ♪

♪ AND ABOVE ALL THIS BUSTLE
YOU HEAR ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪

YOU HEAR ♪
♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ BEAUTIFUL SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE

♪ SILVER BELLS ♪
♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE
CITY ♪

♪ IT'S CHRISTMASTIME IN THE
CITY ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪

CITY ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ RING-A-LING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

♪ HEAR THEM RING ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS

DAY ♪
♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪

♪ SOON IT WILL BE CHRISTMAS
DAY ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

SINCE CHRISTMAS IS A
TRADITIONAL TIME FOR OVEREATING,
WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE

TRADITIONAL TIME FOR OVEREATING,
WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE
GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW

WE HAVE NONE OTHER THAN THE
GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW
NOT TO DO IT.

GREAT GILDA HERE TO TELL YOU HOW
NOT TO DO IT.
LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY

NOT TO DO IT.
LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY
COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR

LAST CHRISTMAS, I WENT TO MY
COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR
DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD.

COUSIN LENORE'S HOUSE FOR
DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD.
I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO

DINNER, AND I WAS REAL GOOD.
I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO
DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES

I JUST HAD A SALAD WITH NO
DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES
OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND

DRESSING, AND I HAD THREE PIECES
OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING...

OF THE WHITE MEAT OF TURKEY, AND
I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING...
EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE

I DIDN'T HAVE ANY STUFFING...
EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE
THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND

EXCEPT FOR THIS LITTLE PIECE
THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND
IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

THAT GOT STUCK ON THE MEAT, AND
IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM,

IT WASN'T MY FAULT.
AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM,
BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED

AND THEN I HAD ONE CANDIED YAM,
BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED
PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A

BUT I SCRAPED ALL THE CANDIED
PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A
GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT.

PART OFF, AND I DIPPED IT IN A
GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT.
AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS

GLASS OF WATER BEFORE I ATE IT.
AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS
BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND

AND ON THE TABLE, THERE WAS THIS
BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND
THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I

BOWL OF MIXED NUTS, THE KIND
THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I
HAD ONE PECAN.

THAT YOU CRACK YOURSELF, SO I
HAD ONE PECAN.
BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE

HAD ONE PECAN.
BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE
TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE

BUT BY ACCIDENT, MY TONGUE
TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE
NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL

TOUCHED THE PART THAT WASN'T THE
NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL
DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN

NUT PART, AND MY MOUTH GOT REAL
DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN
WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE.

DRY, AND I HAD TO WASH IT DOWN
WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE.
AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP

WITH SOME PUMPKIN PIE.
AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP
OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS

AND THEN I HAD JUST A BLACK CUP
OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS
IN IT.

OF COFFEE WITH TWO SWEET'N LOWS
IN IT.
AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD

IN IT.
AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I

AND THEN ON MY WAY HOME, I HAD
TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I
STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM

TO GO TO THE BATHROOM, SO I
STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM
THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE

STOPPED OFF AT THIS LADIES' ROOM
THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE
ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON.

THAT JUST HAPPENED TO BE
ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON.
I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A

ATTACHED TO A HOWARD JOHNSON.
I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A
FISHWICH.

I WENT IN, AND I ORDERED A
FISHWICH.
BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I

FISHWICH.
BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I
PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE

BUT I TOOK OFF THE ROLL, AND I
PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE
FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH.

PICKED ALL THE BREADING OFF THE
FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH.
AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND

FISH, AND I JUST ATE THE FISH.
AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND
THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME

AND THEN I ATE THE BREADING, AND
THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME
SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I

THEN I PICKED ALL THE SESAME
SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I
ATE THE ROLL.

SEEDS OFF THE ROLL, AND THEN I
ATE THE ROLL.
AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T

ATE THE ROLL.
AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T
SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS

AND WHEN I GOT HOME, I COULDN'T
SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS
OF WARM MILK.

SLEEP, SO I MADE MYSELF A GLASS
OF WARM MILK.
BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I

OF WARM MILK.
BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I
POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT.

BUT I WAS STILL HUNGRY, SO I
POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT.
UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO

POURED SOME CEREAL IN IT.
UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO
GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW

UM, GILDA, I THINK WE HAVE TO
GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW
NOW.

GET ON WITH THE REST OF THE SHOW
NOW.
[CLEARS THROAT]

NOW.
[CLEARS THROAT]
I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK,

[CLEARS THROAT]
I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK,
ACTUALLY.

I WAS MAKING MYSELF SICK,
ACTUALLY.
OKAY.

Announcer: AND NOW IT'S TIME

FOR...

GOOD EVENING, KITCHEN LOVERS.
YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS IS ONLY FIVE
DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, CHRISTMAS IS ONLY FIVE
DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT.
MMM, CHRISTMAS.

DAYS AWAY FROM TONIGHT.
MMM, CHRISTMAS.
WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY.

MMM, CHRISTMAS.
WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY.
ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE.

WHAT A DELICIOUS HOLIDAY.
ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE.
AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE

ROAST GOOSE, CHESTNUT PUREE.
AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE
COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY

AND WHAT CHRISTMAS WOULD BE
COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY
YULE POEGENS?

COMPLETE WITHOUT YUMMY
YULE POEGENS?
OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING

YULE POEGENS?
OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING
COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY

OH, BOY, THAT'S A TANTALIZING
COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY
OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING

COOKIE WHICH INSPIRES THE MEMORY
OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING
FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF.

OF EFFERNUS AND THE LIP-SMACKING
FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF.
NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS

FLAVOR OF AUFLOUFF.
NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS
YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE

NOW, THE FIRST THING YOU DO IS
YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE
SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP

YOU TAKE YOUR BUTTERED COOKIE
SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP
LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH

SHEET, ON WHICH YOU DOLLOP
LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH
IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC

LITTLE PLOOMPS OF BATTER, WHICH
IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC
CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST.

IS, OF COURSE, FRITZIE'S BASIC
CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST.
OH, BOY, I TELL YOU.

CREAMY-COOKIE CATALYST.
OH, BOY, I TELL YOU.
FLUFFY EGGS...

OH, BOY, I TELL YOU.
FLUFFY EGGS...
FORTIFIED FLOUR...

FLUFFY EGGS...
FORTIFIED FLOUR...
AND PURE SUGAR.

FORTIFIED FLOUR...
AND PURE SUGAR.
DELICIOUS.

AND PURE SUGAR.
DELICIOUS.
I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE

DELICIOUS.
I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE
IS TO YULE YUMMIES.

I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL THERE
IS TO YULE YUMMIES.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!

IS TO YULE YUMMIES.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!
THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!
THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR
MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS.

THEN YOU'VE GOT TO ADD YOUR
MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS.
OH, YUMMY, YUMMY.

MOIST, CHEWY RAISINS.
OH, YUMMY, YUMMY.
BOY, OH, BOY.

OH, YUMMY, YUMMY.
BOY, OH, BOY.
AND YOUR PECANS.

BOY, OH, BOY.
AND YOUR PECANS.
I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET

AND YOUR PECANS.
I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET
THOSE, EITHER.

I TELL YOU, YOU CAN'T FORGET
THOSE, EITHER.
MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN.

THOSE, EITHER.
MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN.
NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL

MMM! I'M IN PECAN HEAVEN.
NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE.

NOW I BET YOU THINK THAT'S ALL
THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!

THERE IS TO YOUR COOKIE.
WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!
YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE

WELL, YOU'RE WRONG!
YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE
MARSHMALLOWS.

YOU CAN'T FORGET YOUR MINIATURE
MARSHMALLOWS.
AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES.

MARSHMALLOWS.
AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES.
I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES.

AND I DON'T MEAN THE BIG ONES.
I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES.
MMM!

I MEAN THE PRECIOUS LITTLE ONES.
MMM!
AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE

MMM!
AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE
CHIPS.

AND, OF COURSE, YOUR CHOCOLATE
CHIPS.
SCRUMPTIOUS!

CHIPS.
SCRUMPTIOUS!
NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE

SCRUMPTIOUS!
NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE
OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.

NOW, WHEN YOUR COOKIE ENTERS THE
OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.
AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED...

OVEN, IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.
AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED...
IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.

AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED...
IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.
I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT

IT SHOULD LOOK LIKE THIS.
I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT
THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL

I TELL YOU, IT'S THE PERFECT
THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL
OF ROAST GOOSE.

THING TO FOLLOW A DELICIOUS MEAL
OF ROAST GOOSE.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.

OF ROAST GOOSE.
HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND REMEMBER... SNIP, SNAP,

HAVE A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
AND REMEMBER... SNIP, SNAP,
SNORUM, HEY COCKALORUM.

YOU FIND! YOU STUN!
YOU CUT! YOU BROIL!
STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS

YOU CUT! YOU BROIL!
STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS
WANTED THEM!

STEAKS THE WAY YOU'VE ALWAYS
WANTED THEM!
CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND

WANTED THEM!
CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND
SIZE!

CUSTOM-CUT TO YOUR TASTE AND
SIZE!
WE MAKE IT EASY.

SIZE!
WE MAKE IT EASY.
YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND

WE MAKE IT EASY.
YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND
SAW!

YOU GET PROD, APRON, BOARD, AND
SAW!
YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT!

SAW!
YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT!
NO MISTAKES!

YOU FIND! YOU STUN! YOU CUT!
NO MISTAKES!
YOU DO THE CUTTING!

NO MISTAKES!
YOU DO THE CUTTING!
NO EXCESS FAT!

YOU DO THE CUTTING!
NO EXCESS FAT!
THE MOST SATISFYING CHARBROILERS

NO EXCESS FAT!
THE MOST SATISFYING CHARBROILERS
YOU'VE EVER EATEN!

YOU CUT!

YOU BROIL!

MEL'S CHAR PALACE... ROUTE 17

AND 15, PARAMUS.

[CHAIN SAW BUZZING]

WE USUALLY THINK OF CHRISTMAS
IN TERMS OF CHILDREN, BUT
THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE

IN TERMS OF CHILDREN, BUT
THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE
OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR

THERE'S A GROUP OF HUMANS AT THE
OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR
OLD PEOPLE.

OTHER END OF LIFE, WHICH IS OUR
OLD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING

OLD PEOPLE.
THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING
MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D

THEY'RE THE FASTEST-GROWING
MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY

MINORITY IN OUR COUNTRY, AND I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY
SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE

LIKE YOU TO MEET SOMEONE VERY
SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE
CARE OF THEM.

SPECIAL WHO'S NOW TRYING TO TAKE
CARE OF THEM.
SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF

CARE OF THEM.
SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF
OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY

SHE'S RESPONSIBLE FOR A GROUP OF
OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY
PANTHERS.

OLD PEOPLE CALLED THE GRAY
PANTHERS.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET

PANTHERS.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MS. MAGGIE KUHN.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
MS. MAGGIE KUHN.
[APPLAUSE]

NOW, MAGGIE, IF YOU COULD GIVE
US ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, WHAT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE?

US ANYTHING FOR CHRISTMAS, WHAT
WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

WOULD YOU CHOOSE?
I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE,

I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE,
MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD

HERE... YOUNG PEOPLE,
MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD
PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW

MIDDLE-AGED PEOPLE, OLD
PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW
ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD.

PEOPLE... A WHOLLY NEW VIEW
ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD.
OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND

ABOUT AGE, GETTING OLD.
OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND
SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM

OUR SOCIETY STEREOTYPES AND
SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM
BABYHOOD.

SEGREGATES US BY AGE FROM
BABYHOOD.
LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD.

BABYHOOD.
LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD.
WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES

LOTS OF US FEAR GETTING OLD.
WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES
AND GRAY HAIR.

WE'RE TERRIFIED ABOUT WRINKLES
AND GRAY HAIR.
I AM.

AND GRAY HAIR.
I AM.
DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T

I AM.
DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T
BE.

DON'T BE, CANDY, REALLY DON'T
BE.
NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID.

BE.
NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID.
I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

NOBODY HERE SHOULD BE AFRAID.
I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW,

I WOULD LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW,
AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE

WHO HAS COPPED OUT, YOU KNOW,
AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE
YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN

AND GIVEN UP... AND THERE ARE
YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN
UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY

YOUNG PEOPLE WHO HAVE GIVEN
UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF

UP... I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERYBODY
A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF
COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED,

A BIG SHOT IN THE ARM OF
COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED,
TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS

COURAGE AND GUTS TO BE INVOLVED,
TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS
SICK, OLD WORLD OF OURS.

TO GET TO WORK TO HEAL THIS
SICK, OLD WORLD OF OURS.
[APPLAUSE]

CANDY, I'D LIKE TO GIVE EVERY
OLD, LONELY PERSON A NEW YOUNG
FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS.

OLD, LONELY PERSON A NEW YOUNG
FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE...

FRIEND FOR CHRISTMAS.
WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE...
SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I

WELL, I'D LIKE TO GIVE...
SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I
WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND

SPEAKING AS A YOUNG PERSON... I
WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND
FOR CHRISTMAS.

WOULD LIKE TO HAVE AN OLD FRIEND
FOR CHRISTMAS.
PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE

FOR CHRISTMAS.
PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE
FRIENDS.

PERHAPS YOU AND I COULD BE
FRIENDS.
[APPLAUSE]

OUR BODIES SOMETIMES SLOW
DOWN.
MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS.

DOWN.
MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS.
BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT

MINE'S CRIPPLED WITH ARTHRITIS.
BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT
KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR

BUT THERE'S NO EXCUSE FOR NOT
KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR
SPIRITS ALIVE.

KEEPING OUR MINDS AND OUR
SPIRITS ALIVE.
WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND

SPIRITS ALIVE.
WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND
DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL

WE'VE GOT TO KEEP ON GROWING AND
DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL
RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN.

DEVELOPING AND LEARNING UNTIL
RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN.
REALLY.

RIGOR MORTIS SETS IN.
REALLY.
AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU

REALLY.
AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU
THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.

AND I'D LIKE TO JUST GIVE YOU
THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.
THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.

THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.
THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.
OFF YOUR ASSES.

THE GRAY PANTHER SIGN-OFF.
OFF YOUR ASSES.
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

OUR IDOL.
CHRISTMAS TRADITIONALLY, REALLY,
MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF

CHRISTMAS TRADITIONALLY, REALLY,
MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF
US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU

MEANS HOME, I THINK, FOR ALL OF
US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU
NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF

US, AND WE HAVE A FILM FOR YOU
NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF
THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE

NOW BY "SATURDAY NIGHT'S" STAFF
THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE
ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN

THAT IN TWO MINUTES SAYS MORE
ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN
MOST.

ABOUT HOME AND HUMANITY THAN
MOST.
HERE WE ARE.

MOST.
HERE WE ARE.
[INTRODUCTION TO

HERE WE ARE.
[INTRODUCTION TO
SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S

[INTRODUCTION TO
SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S
"HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS]

[SIMON & GARFUNKEL'S
"HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS]
♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY

["HOMEWARD BOUND" PLAYS]
♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY
STATION ♪

♪ I'M SITTING IN THE RAILWAY
STATION ♪
♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY

STATION ♪
♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY
DESTINATION ♪

♪ GOT A TICKET FOR MY
DESTINATION ♪
♪ MMM ♪

DESTINATION ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT

♪ MMM ♪
♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT
STANDS ♪

♪ ON A TOUR OF ONE-NIGHT
STANDS ♪
♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN

STANDS ♪
♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN
HAND ♪

♪ MY SUITCASE AND GUITAR IN
HAND ♪
♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY

HAND ♪
♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY
PLANNED ♪

♪ AND EVERY STOP IS NEATLY
PLANNED ♪
♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪

PLANNED ♪
♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ FOR A POET AND ONE-MAN BAND ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS
STREAM OF CIGARETTES

♪ EVERY DAY'S AN ENDLESS
STREAM OF CIGARETTES
AND MAGAZINES ♪

STREAM OF CIGARETTES
AND MAGAZINES ♪
♪ MMM ♪

AND MAGAZINES ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS

♪ MMM ♪
♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS
THE SAME TO ME ♪

♪ AND EACH TOWN LOOKS
THE SAME TO ME ♪
♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪

THE SAME TO ME ♪
♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪
♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I

♪ THE MOVIES AND THE FACTORIES ♪
♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I
SEE ♪

♪ AND EVERY STRANGER'S FACE I
SEE ♪
♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪

SEE ♪
♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ REMINDS ME THAT I LONG TO BE ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS
AGAIN ♪

♪ TONIGHT I'LL SING MY SONGS
AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND

AGAIN ♪
♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND
PRETEND ♪

♪ I'LL PLAY THE GAME AND
PRETEND ♪
♪ MMM ♪

PRETEND ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK

♪ MMM ♪
♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK
TO ME ♪

♪ BUT ALL MY WORDS COME BACK
TO ME ♪
♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪

TO ME ♪
♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪
♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪

♪ IN SHADES OF MEDIOCRITY ♪
♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪
♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪

♪ LIKE EMPTINESS IN HARMONY ♪
♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I NEED SOMEONE TO COMFORT ME ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪

♪ I WISH I WAS ♪
♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ HOMEWARD BOUND ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY THOUGHT'S ESCAPING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪

♪ WHERE MY MUSIC'S PLAYING ♪
♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING

♪ HOME ♪
♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

♪ WHERE MY LOVE LIES WAITING
SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪

SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS.

♪ SILENTLY FOR ME ♪
MERRY CHRISTMAS.
[APPLAUSE]

[BAND PLAYS SOFTLY]
[FEMALE SINGERS VOCALIZING]

MERRY CHRISTMAS, EVERYBODY.
MERRY CHRISTMAS!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

FRANK OZ, JERRY NELSON,

ALICE DINNEAN, FRAN BRILL,

RICHARD HUNT, AND JIM HENSON.

THIS IS DON PARDO SAYING...

HO, HO, HO!

HERE'S ME PERFORMING...

UPSIDE DOWN.