Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 22 - Elliott Gould/Leon Redbone, Harlan Collins & Joyce Everson - full transcript

The host for the episode is Elliott Gould (his second appearance), and the musical guests are Leon Redbone (his second appearance), Harlan Collins and Joyce Everson. The skits for this episode include scenes inside a wax museum an...

[WHISTLE BLOWS]

[BLOWS NOSE]

[LAUGHING]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

WITH HIS GUESTS...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ELLIOTT GOULD.

TIMES HAVE CHANGED.
[PIANO PLAYS]
♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR

[PIANO PLAYS]
♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR
CLOCK ♪

♪ AND WE'VE ALWAYS REWOUND OUR
CLOCK ♪
♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A

CLOCK ♪
♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A
SHOCK ♪



♪ SINCE THE PURITANS GOT A
SHOCK ♪
♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON

SHOCK ♪
♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON
PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪

♪ WHEN THEY LANDED ON
PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪
♪ IF TODAY ♪

PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪
♪ IF TODAY ♪
♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO

♪ IF TODAY ♪
♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO
STEM ♪

♪ ANY SHOCK THEY WOULD TRY TO
STEM ♪
♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON

STEM ♪
♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON
PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪

♪ 'STEAD OF LANDING ON
PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪
♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON

PLYMOUTH ROCK ♪
♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON
THEM ♪

♪ PLYMOUTH ROCK WOULD LAND ON
THEM ♪
♪ IN OLDEN DAYS,

THEM ♪
♪ IN OLDEN DAYS,
A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪

♪ IN OLDEN DAYS,
A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪
♪ WAS LOOKED ON

A GLIMPSE OF STOCKING ♪
♪ WAS LOOKED ON
AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪

♪ WAS LOOKED ON
AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪
♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS,



AS SOMETHING SHOCKING ♪
♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS,
ANYTHING GOES ♪

♪ NOW, HEAVEN KNOWS,
ANYTHING GOES ♪
♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO,

ANYTHING GOES ♪
♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO,
WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪

♪ GOOD AUTHORS, TOO,
WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪
♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS

WHO ONCE KNEW BETTER WORDS ♪
♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS
WRITING PROSE ♪

♪ NOW ONLY USE FOUR-LETTER WORDS
WRITING PROSE ♪
♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪

WRITING PROSE ♪
♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪
♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,

♪ ANYTHING GOES ♪
♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,
AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,
AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪
♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪

AND GOOD'S BAD TODAY ♪
♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪
♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪

♪ AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪
♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY

♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY
THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪

♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY
THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪
♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪

THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪
♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪
♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T

♪ ARE JUST SILLY GIGOLOS ♪
♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T
NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪

♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T
NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO

NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO
ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT YOU'RE BOUND TO
ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪
♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪

ANSWER WHEN I PROPOSE ♪
♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪
♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,

♪ "ANYTHING GOES" ♪
♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,
AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪

♪ THE WORLD HAS GONE MAD TODAY,
AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪
♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪

AND BLACK'S WHITE TODAY ♪
♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪
♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪

♪ AND DAY'S NIGHT TODAY ♪
♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY

♪ AND WHAT'S RIGHT TODAY? ♪
♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY
THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪

♪ AND ALL THE GUYS TODAY
THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪
♪ ARE JUST ♪

THAT WOMEN PRIZE TODAY ♪
♪ ARE JUST ♪
♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T

♪ ARE JUST ♪
♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T
NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪

♪ SO THOUGH I AIN'T
NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO

NO GREAT ROMANCER ♪
♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO
ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪

♪ I KNOW THAT I'M BOUND TO
ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪
AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES.

ANSWER WHEN YOU PROPOSE ♪
AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES.
RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM

AND TONIGHT, EVERYTHING GOES.
RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM
THE MESSAGE GIVER, WHO'S GONNA

RIGHT AFTER THIS MESSAGE FROM
THE MESSAGE GIVER, WHO'S GONNA
DELIVER A MESSAGE IN A MINUTE.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
HELLO.

HELLO?
HELLO.
BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE

HELLO.
BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE
CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A

BY JUST ANSWERING THIS PHONE
CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A
CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT

CALL, YOU HAVE QUALIFIED FOR A
CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT
COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY.

CHALLENGING NEW CAREER THAT
COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY.
TELL ME MORE.

COULD EARN YOU UP TO $80 A DAY.
TELL ME MORE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT

TELL ME MORE.
DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT
GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR

DID YOU KNOW THAT THE RECENT
GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR
SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS

GLUT OF LATE-NIGHT-TV ADS FOR
SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS
CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED

SO-CALLED TRAINING SCHOOLS HAS
CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED
PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS

CREATED A DEMAND FOR SKILLED
PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS
AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?

PHONE ANSWERERS TO TAKE CALLS
AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?
IT'S TRUE.

AND WRITE DOWN MESSAGES?
IT'S TRUE.
THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND

IT'S TRUE.
THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND
INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU

THE COUNTLESS SCHOOLS AND
INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU
COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL

INSTITUTIONS THAT TEACH YOU
COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL
MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT

COMPUTER PROGRAMMING, MOTEL
MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT
SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL

MANAGEMENT, AIRPORT
SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL
MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,

SURVEILLANCE, AND DIESEL
MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,
DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO

MECHANICS, TO NAME BUT A FEW,
DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO
STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV

DESPERATELY NEED OPERATORS TO
STAND BY AT THE END OF THEIR TV
ADS.

NOW ABC, THE ACADEMY OF BETTER

CAREERS, OFFERS YOU THE CHANCE

TO BECOME ONE OF THESE

SOUGHT-AFTER, HIGH-PAID STANDBY

OPERATORS.

YOU'LL LEARN THE LATEST
UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING
TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF

UP-TO-THE-MINUTE PHONE-ANSWERING
TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF
EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.

TECHNIQUES FROM OUR STAFF OF
EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.
YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE...

EXPERIENCED INSTRUCTORS.
YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE...
ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN

YOU'LL EXPLORE THE TELEPHONE...
ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN
THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF

ITS PAST, ITS PRESENT, AND EVEN
THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF
THE FUTURE.

THE AMAZING PICTURE PHONES OF
THE FUTURE.
IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS

THE FUTURE.
IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS
WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU

IN ONLY SIX WEEKS, OUR EXPERTS
WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU
NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES

WILL SHOW YOU EVERYTHING YOU
NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES
PROFESSIONALLY.

NEED TO KNOW TO ANSWER PHONES
PROFESSIONALLY.
9-4.

PROFESSIONALLY.
9-4.
CHAD...

ABC IS VETERAN APPROVED BY

THE FEDERAL BOARD OF PUBLIC

INSTRUCTION, AND IS ELIGIBLE...

EXCUSE ME, MISTER.

I HAVE TO GET OFF.

BUT WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO CALL ABC AND START MY NEW

CAREER AS A SOUGHT-AFTER,

HIGH-PAID STANDBY OPERATOR.

HEY, DON'T LET LIFE PUT YOU

ON HOLD.

BECOME A STANDBY OPERATOR.

CALL NOW FOR FREE BOOKLET.

OPERATORS ARE STANDING BY TO

TAKE YOUR CALL.

WELL, I'M READY TO PLAY SOME
POKER, JOHNNY.
HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN

POKER, JOHNNY.
HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN
HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE?

HOW SOON IS THIS EUROPEAN
HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE?
WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW,

HOTSHOT GONNA ARRIVE?
WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW,
MR. RUSSO.

WELL, ANY MINUTE NOW,
MR. RUSSO.
HIS REPLY SAID 9:30.

MR. RUSSO.
HIS REPLY SAID 9:30.
WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO

HIS REPLY SAID 9:30.
WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO
GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF

WELL, IT'S NICE OF HIM TO
GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF
NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?

GRACE OUR HUMBLE CITY OF
NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF

NAWLINS, THOUGH, ISN'T IT?
THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF
HONOR, YOU KNOW?

THEY SAY HE'S A GENTLEMAN OF
HONOR, YOU KNOW?
AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE

HONOR, YOU KNOW?
AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE
AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN

AND, JOHNNY, THERE... THERE
AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN
LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY.

AREN'T MANY HONORABLE GENTLEMEN
LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY.
WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE

LEFT IN THE WORLD TODAY.
WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE
BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE,

WELL, UH, THEY SAY HE'S THE
BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE,
SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES

BEST CARD PLAYER IN ALL EUROPE,
SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES
TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO.

SO YOU'D BETTER BE ON YOUR TOES
TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO.
DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF,

TONIGHT, MR. RUSSO.
DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF,
JOHNNY.

DON'T YOU WORRY YOURSELF,
JOHNNY.
YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN

JOHNNY.
YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN
I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND

YOU JUST HAND ME MY STAKES WHEN
I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND
WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A

I WANT 'EM AND SIT BACK AND
WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A
LESSON.

WATCH SOMEBODY GET TAUGHT A
LESSON.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

LESSON.
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW.
WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY.

OH, THAT MUST BE THEM NOW.
WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY.
BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN.

WELL, SHOW 'EM IN, JOHNNY.
BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN.
YES, INDEED.

BY ALL MEANS, SHOW 'EM IN.
YES, INDEED.
GOOD EVENING.

YES, INDEED.
GOOD EVENING.
EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE.

GOOD EVENING.
EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE.
MAY I INTRODUCE

EXCUSE US FOR BEING LATE.
MAY I INTRODUCE
MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF?

MAY I INTRODUCE
MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF?
VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET

MR. RAMONE DIARGA HIMSELF?
VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET
YOU.

VERY, VERY PLEASED TO MEET
YOU.
I'M MOE GREENSTEIN,

YOU.
I'M MOE GREENSTEIN,
MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL

I'M MOE GREENSTEIN,
MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL
INTERPRETER AND BACKER.

MR. DIARGA'S PERSONAL
INTERPRETER AND BACKER.
AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE

INTERPRETER AND BACKER.
AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE
MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME.

AND YOU, SIR... YOU MUST BE
MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME.
MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE

MR. RUSSO, I PRESUME.
MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE
PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU,

MY SOUTHERN HOSPITABLE
PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU,
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY

PLEASURE AND HONOR TO MEET YOU,
GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY
HOME.

GENTLEMEN, AND WELCOME YOU TO MY
HOME.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST

HOME.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST
TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY MOST
TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND
CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS.

TRUSTED MANSERVANT, FRIEND, AND
CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS.
BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS.

CONSULTANT, JOHNNY SAGPANTS.
BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS.
JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE.

BEEN WITH ME FOR 30 YEARS.
JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE.
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED.

JOHNNY, WHISKEY, PLEASE.
GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED.
PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE.

GENTLEMEN, PLEASE BE SEATED.
PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE.
HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME

PLEASE SIT DOWN HERE.
HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME
5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT,

HOW 'BOUT WE START WITH SOME
5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT,
3 RAISES?

5-CARD DRAW... $1,000 LIMIT,
3 RAISES?
WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND

3 RAISES?
WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND
PRETTY STEEP, SIR.

WELL, THOSE STAKES SOUND
PRETTY STEEP, SIR.
MM-HMM.

PRETTY STEEP, SIR.
MM-HMM.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MM-HMM.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE
FINE WITH HIM.

MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT IT'LL BE
FINE WITH HIM.
GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL.

FINE WITH HIM.
GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL.
WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE

GOOD, GOOD, WONDERFUL.
WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE
HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO

WELL, PERMIT ME TO HAVE THE
HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO
OUR FAIR CITY HERE.

HONOR OF TOASTING YOUR VISIT TO
OUR FAIR CITY HERE.
THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL,

OUR FAIR CITY HERE.
THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL,
SIR, WILL GO TO YOU.

THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL,
SIR, WILL GO TO YOU.
AHH!

SIR, WILL GO TO YOU.
AHH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AHH!
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA,
EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS

YOU KNOW, MR. DIARGA,
EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS
GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR.

EVERYTHING IN THIS SOUTH OF THIS
GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR.
AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO

GREAT NATION IS INDEED AN HONOR.
AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO
EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO

AND IT IS INDEED AND HONOR TO
EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO
HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED

EXTEND THE COURTESY TO TWO
HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED
GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE

HONORABLE AND DISTINGUISHED
GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE
NATION OF EUROPE.

GENTLEMEN FROM THE FINE, FINE
NATION OF EUROPE.
YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A

NATION OF EUROPE.
YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A
GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME.

YES, SIRREE, 5-CARD DRAW... A
GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME.
AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES

GENTLEMAN'S POKER GAME.
AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES
WITH YOU, SIR.

AND I KNOW MR. DIARGA AGREES
WITH YOU, SIR.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

WITH YOU, SIR.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR
TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR

HE SAYS THAT IT IS HIS HONOR
TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR
HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR

TO BE SO HONORED BY YOUR
HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR
HONOR.

HOSPITABLE GENEROSITY, YOUR
HONOR.
WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED.

HONOR.
WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED.
YEP.

WELL, I AM INDEED HONORED.
YEP.
UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

YEP.
UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY.

UH, EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY.
I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY

DON'T BOTHER ME, JOHNNY.
I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY
HERE.

I GOT SOMETHING COMING MY WAY
HERE.
UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN

HERE.
UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN
YOUR HAND.

UH, YOU'VE GOT ALL THE CARDS IN
YOUR HAND.
I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S

YOUR HAND.
I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
NOT CORRECT, SIR.

I BELIEVE THAT'S, UH... THAT'S
NOT CORRECT, SIR.
I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE...

NOT CORRECT, SIR.
I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I MEAN, UH, YOU HAVE ALL THE...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES,
SIR.

OH, MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES,
SIR.
HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM

SIR.
HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM
ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL

HE'S USED TO THE EUROPEAN CUSTOM
ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL
THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING.

ON THE FIRST HAND TO HOLD ALL
THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING.
OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A

THE CARDS IF YOU'RE DEALING.
OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A
MISDEAL.

OH, WELL, WE'LL CALL IT A
MISDEAL.
I UNDERSTAND.

MISDEAL.
I UNDERSTAND.
YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M

I UNDERSTAND.
YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M
A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS

YOU ARE GENTLEMEN OF HONOR, I'M
A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS
WAS DONE WITH HONOR.

A GENTLEMAN OF HONOR, AND THIS
WAS DONE WITH HONOR.
YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR.

WAS DONE WITH HONOR.
YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW.

YOU'RE A SCHOLAR OF HONOR.
NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW.
ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR.

NOW, WAIT JUST A MINUTE NOW.
ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR.
AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM.

ANOTHER CUSTOM, SIR.
AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

AHH, ANOTHER CUSTOM.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR.
YES, INDEED.

WELL, I ACCEPT IT WITH HONOR.
YES, INDEED.
YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER

YES, INDEED.
YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN

YOU KNOW, MY GREAT-GRANDFATHER
DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN
AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER

DAVID BENOIT WAS INVOLVED IN
AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER
ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER

AFFAIRS IN FRANCE, BUT HE NEVER
ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER
THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT...

ACTUALLY, UM, TOOK ME OVER
THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT...
EXCUSE ME.

THERE, BUT I DO, UH, ACCEPT...
EXCUSE ME.
YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY

EXCUSE ME.
YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY
CARDS, MR. DIARGA.

YOU... YOU JUST LOOKED AT MY
CARDS, MR. DIARGA.
NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU

CARDS, MR. DIARGA.
NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU
CAN'T DO THAT.

NOW, PLEASE, I'M AFRAID YOU
CAN'T DO THAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

CAN'T DO THAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK
IN THIS COUNTRY?

YOU DON'T PLAY DEALER'S LOOK
IN THIS COUNTRY?
DEALER'S LOOK?

IN THIS COUNTRY?
DEALER'S LOOK?
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD

DEALER'S LOOK?
I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD
OF THAT.

I DON'T BELIEVE I'VE EVER HEARD
OF THAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

OF THAT.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA
APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH

ONCE AGAIN, SIR, MR. DIARGA
APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH
THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A

APOLOGIZES AND HONORS YOU WITH
THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A
SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR.

THE TAKING OF YOUR STAKES IN A
SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR.
THE TAKING OF MY STAKES?

SHOW OF GOOD FAITH AND HONOR.
THE TAKING OF MY STAKES?
AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE

THE TAKING OF MY STAKES?
AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE
STAKES.

AHH, YES, THE TAKING OF THE
STAKES.
IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED,

STAKES.
IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED,
EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF

IT'S AN HONOR SELDOM BESTOWED,
EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF
YOUR NATION.

EVEN IN THE EUROPEAN CAPITALS OF
YOUR NATION.
WHERE?

YOUR NATION.
WHERE?
ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE...

WHERE?
ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE...
YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA

ONCE AT BUCKINGHAM PALACE...
YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA
GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU,

YOU KNOW, SIR, MR. DIARGA
GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU,
MR. RUSSO.

GENUINELY RESPECTS YOU,
MR. RUSSO.
HMM.

MR. RUSSO.
HMM.
YES, INDEED.

HMM.
YES, INDEED.
YES, INDEED.

YES, INDEED.
YES, INDEED.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

YES, INDEED.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS
NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH

MR. DIARGA SAYS THAT HE HAS
NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH
GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS

NEVER ENCOURAGED SUCH
GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS
NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT

GRACIOUSNESS AND HOSPITALITY AS
NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT
YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED

NEW ORLEANS HOSPITALITY AND THAT
YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED
GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE

YOU, SIR, ARE A TRUE-BLOODED
GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE
SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE

GENTLEMAN OF GREAT HONOR, AND HE
SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE
STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR.

SAYS THAT HE WILL TAKE MORE
STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR.
MR. RUSSO, THIS IS

STAKES IN YOUR HONOR, SIR.
MR. RUSSO, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS.

MR. RUSSO, THIS IS
RIDICULOUS.
NEVER MIND, JOHNNY.

RIDICULOUS.
NEVER MIND, JOHNNY.
JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES.

NEVER MIND, JOHNNY.
JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES.
MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN'

JUST GET ME SOME MORE STAKES.
MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN'
YOUR CHOPS.

MR. RUSSO, MAN, HE IS BUSTIN'
YOUR CHOPS.
UH, HOLD IT, HERE.

YOUR CHOPS.
UH, HOLD IT, HERE.
LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL

UH, HOLD IT, HERE.
LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL
RIGHT?

LET'S PLAY A DIFFERENT GAME, ALL
RIGHT?
JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S

RIGHT?
JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S
SAKE, OKAY?

JUST FOR A LITTLE VARIETY'S
SAKE, OKAY?
WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL,

SAKE, OKAY?
WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL,
SHALL WE?

WE'LL JUST CALL THIS A MISDEAL,
SHALL WE?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

SHALL WE?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF
YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM

MR. DIARGA WANTS TO KNOW IF
YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM
THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL.

YOU WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE HIM
THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL.
WHY, CERTAINLY.

THE HONOR OF THE FIRST DEAL.
WHY, CERTAINLY.
CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED

WHY, CERTAINLY.
CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED
TO, QUITE PLEASED TO.

CERTAINLY, I'D BE QUITE PLEASED
TO, QUITE PLEASED TO.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

TO, QUITE PLEASED TO.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN,

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN,
SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE

HE THANKS YOU ONCE AGAIN,
SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE
GIVING OF THE STAKES.

SIR, AND HE HONORS YOU WITH THE
GIVING OF THE STAKES.
THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR

GIVING OF THE STAKES.
THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR
STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME,

THIS IS WHERE HE TAKES YOUR
STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME,
FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED,

STAKES AND HE GIVES THEM TO ME,
FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED,
SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN

FOR WHICH I AM DEEPLY HONORED,
SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN
HOSPITALITY.

SIR, FOR YOUR KIND SOUTHERN
HOSPITALITY.
AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF,

HOSPITALITY.
AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF,
MR. RUSSO.

AND I WISH TO THANK YOU MYSELF,
MR. RUSSO.
WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME.

MR. RUSSO.
WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK?

WHY, YOU'RE MOST WELCOME.
HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK?
MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY

HOW ABOUT A LITTLE BLACKJACK?
MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY
LOSSES HERE.

MAYBE I CAN RECOUP A BIT OF MY
LOSSES HERE.
21, 21.

LOSSES HERE.
21, 21.
AHA.

21, 21.
AHA.
UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT

AHA.
UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT
I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO

UH, BEGGING YOUR PARDON, BUT
I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP.

I BELIEVE YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP.
IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT

DEAL ONE DOWN AND ONE UP.
IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT
PROCEDURE?

IS THIS NOT THE CORRECT
PROCEDURE?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

PROCEDURE?
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE
AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND

MR. DIARGA APOLOGIZES ONCE
AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND
HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS

AGAIN, SIR, FOR THE MISTAKE, AND
HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS
OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK.

HE DRINKS TO YOU WITH BOTH HIS
OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK.
UH...

OWN AND WITH YOUR DRINK.
UH...
WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR.

UH...
WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR.
NATURALLY, I'M HONORED.

WHY, I'M NATURALLY HONORED, SIR.
NATURALLY, I'M HONORED.
UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE.

NATURALLY, I'M HONORED.
UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE.
BUT, UH, I THINK, UH...

UH, EXCUSE ME, THERE.
BUT, UH, I THINK, UH...
THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE

BUT, UH, I THINK, UH...
THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE
YOU GOT, ISN'T IT?

THAT'S MR. RUSSO'S POT THERE
YOU GOT, ISN'T IT?
YES, YEAH.

YOU GOT, ISN'T IT?
YES, YEAH.
THE BLACKJACK.

YES, YEAH.
THE BLACKJACK.
ANTE IT UP HERE.

THE BLACKJACK.
ANTE IT UP HERE.
BLACKJACK.

ANTE IT UP HERE.
BLACKJACK.
BLACKJACK.

BLACKJACK.
BLACKJACK.
WAIT A MINUTE.

BLACKJACK.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE.
SIR.

I HAVE A BLACKJACK THERE.
SIR.
WAIT A MINUTE.

SIR.
WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S

WAIT A MINUTE.
NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S
POT.

NOW YOU'RE GETTING MR. RUSSO'S
POT.
SIR, EXCUSE ME.

POT.
SIR, EXCUSE ME.
IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION

SIR, EXCUSE ME.
IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION
"BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME,"

IN EUROPE, THE EXPRESSION
"BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME,"
"GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD."

"BLACKJACK" MEANS "HIT ME,"
"GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD."
BLACKJACK.

"GIVE ME ANOTHER CARD."
BLACKJACK.
ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS

BLACKJACK.
ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS
DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY

ONCE AGAIN, MR. DIARGA IS
DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY
MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS

DEEPLY ASHAMED AND HUMBLED BY
MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS
BLACKJACK RULES.

MISUNDERSTANDING THE NEW ORLEANS
BLACKJACK RULES.
WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A

BLACKJACK RULES.
WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A
MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR.

WELL, I'M SURE IT WAS A
MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR.
WITH HONOR.

MISUNDERSTANDING WITH HONOR.
WITH HONOR.
CALL IT AN HONOR.

WITH HONOR.
CALL IT AN HONOR.
WITH HONOR, SIR.

CALL IT AN HONOR.
WITH HONOR, SIR.
WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND,

WITH HONOR, SIR.
WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND,
UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY

WE'LL CALL IT A MISDEAL AND,
UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY
STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD,

UH, YOU CAN JUST GIVE ME BACK MY
STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD,
PLEASE.

STAKE THERE IF YOU WOULD,
PLEASE.
PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE.

PLEASE.
PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE.
SIR, MR. RUSSO...

PLEASE, PARDON ME, PLEASE.
SIR, MR. RUSSO...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

SIR, MR. RUSSO...
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
PLEASE.

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
PLEASE.
THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT

PLEASE.
THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT
YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING

THE COUNT DIARGA SAYS THAT
YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING
AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE

YOU ARE THE MOST ACCOMMODATING
AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE
WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND

AND HOSPITABLE GENTLEMAN THE
WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND
THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST

WORLD HAS EVER KNOWN, SIR, AND
THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST
INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY

THAT IT WOULD BE THE GRAVEST
INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY
BACK FROM HIM.

INSULT FOR YOU TO TAKE ANY MONEY
BACK FROM HIM.
UH, WELL, FINE.

BACK FROM HIM.
UH, WELL, FINE.
THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE

UH, WELL, FINE.
THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE
WITH HONOR.

THAT'S DONE WITH HONOR... DONE
WITH HONOR.
HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK,

WITH HONOR.
HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK,
AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY

HE WOULD LIKE ANOTHER DRINK,
AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY
HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE

AND HE SAYS THAT YOU'RE A VERY
HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE
TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY.

HANDSOME FELLOW AND HE'D LIKE
TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE.

TO MEET YOUR WIFE IMMEDIATELY.
WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE.
MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD.

WELL, I DON'T HAVE A WIFE.
MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

MY WIFE IS LONG SINCE DEAD.
[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]
IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER
WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE

IN THAT CASE, HE NO LONGER
WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE
PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A

WISHES TO MEET YOUR WIFE, AND HE
PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A
GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE.

PUBLICLY MOURNS HER, WHICH IS A
GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE.
AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE

GREAT CUSTOM IN EUROPE.
AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE
SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND

AND PRIVATELY, WE FEEL THAT WE
SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND
MOURN PRIVATELY, YES.

SHOULD RETURN TO THE HOTEL AND
MOURN PRIVATELY, YES.
I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR

MOURN PRIVATELY, YES.
I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR
GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY

I AM INDEED IMPRESSED BY YOUR
GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY
WIFE.

GALLANTRY AND HONOR, MOURNING MY
WIFE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT

WIFE.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT
SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY EXCEPT
SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE
DOOR, PLEASE.

SHOW THESE GENTLEMEN TO THE
DOOR, PLEASE.
I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF

DOOR, PLEASE.
I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF
AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT

I'M TOUCHED BY THIS SHOW OF
AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT
KNOW.

AFFECTION TO SOMEONE YOU DID NOT
KNOW.
I-I'M VERY PLEASED.

KNOW.
I-I'M VERY PLEASED.
SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE,

I-I'M VERY PLEASED.
SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE,
AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO

SIR, YOU ARE MOST HONORABLE,
AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO
PLAY WITH YOU, SIR.

AND IT HAS BEEN MY PLEASURE TO
PLAY WITH YOU, SIR.
I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST

PLAY WITH YOU, SIR.
I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST
GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A

I TAKE THIS AS THE GREATEST
GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A
GESTURE OF HONOR.

GESTURE OF HONOR... INDEED, A
GESTURE OF HONOR.
SO LONG.

GESTURE OF HONOR.
SO LONG.
THANKS A LOT.

SO LONG.
THANKS A LOT.
MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT?

THANKS A LOT.
MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
HE SPOKE ENGLISH.

MR. RUSSO, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
HE SPOKE ENGLISH.
YES, I KNOW.

HE SPOKE ENGLISH.
YES, I KNOW.
HE EVEN TOOK THE COURTESY TO

YES, I KNOW.
HE EVEN TOOK THE COURTESY TO
LEARN THE LANGUAGE.

GEE, BABS, YOU LOOK LIKE
SOMETHING THE CAT JUST DRAGGED
IN.

SOMETHING THE CAT JUST DRAGGED
IN.
I KNOW.

IN.
I KNOW.
I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T

I KNOW.
I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S

I FEEL CRUMMY, BUT I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S
WRONG.

SEEM TO PUT MY FINGER ON WHAT'S
WRONG.
THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS.

WRONG.
THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS.
HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT

THAT'S TOO BAD, BABS.
HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT
IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA?

HAS IT EVER DAWNED ON YOU THAT
IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA?
GEE, NO, SIS.

IT MAY BE YOUR UVULA?
GEE, NO, SIS.
I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED

GEE, NO, SIS.
I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED
RIGHT OVER MY UVULA.

I MUST HAVE STUPIDLY GLOSSED
RIGHT OVER MY UVULA.
I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE.

RIGHT OVER MY UVULA.
I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE.
THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT

I HAD A HUNCH YOU MIGHT HAVE.
THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT
FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA

THAT'S WHY I MADE AN APPOINTMENT
FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA
SPECIALIST...

FOR YOU WITH A TOP UVULA
SPECIALIST...
[DOORBELL RINGS]

SPECIALIST...
[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS.
RIGHT NOW!

WHO MAKES HOUSE CALLS.
RIGHT NOW!
HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR.

RIGHT NOW!
HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR.
HI.

HELLO. I'M THE DOCTOR.
HI.
THAT MUST BE HIM.

HI.
THAT MUST BE HIM.
[COUGHS]

THAT MUST BE HIM.
[COUGHS]
I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,

[COUGHS]
I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,
BABS.

I WON'T BEAT AROUND THE BUSH,
BABS.
IS IT BAD?

BABS.
IS IT BAD?
IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS

IS IT BAD?
IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS
ON THE FRITZ...

IN A NUTSHELL, YOUR UVULA IS
ON THE FRITZ...
WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE

ON THE FRITZ...
WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE
JOKE.

WHICH REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE
JOKE.
KNOCK, KNOCK.

JOKE.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?

KNOCK, KNOCK.
WHO'S THERE?
BABS'S UVULA.

WHO'S THERE?
BABS'S UVULA.
BABS'S UVULA WHO?

BABS'S UVULA.
BABS'S UVULA WHO?
I DON'T KNOW, BABS.

BABS'S UVULA WHO?
I DON'T KNOW, BABS.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS.

I DON'T KNOW, BABS.
BUT I DO KNOW THIS.
YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO

BUT I DO KNOW THIS.
YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO
TO THE DOGS.

YOU'VE REALLY LET YOUR UVULA GO
TO THE DOGS.
YES, I HAVE.

TO THE DOGS.
YES, I HAVE.
I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH

YES, I HAVE.
I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH
YOU, SIS.

I'D LIKE TO SHARE THIS WITH
YOU, SIS.
"TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO

YOU, SIS.
"TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO
CARE FOR YOUR UVULA!

"TO BABS... IT'LL BEHOOVE YA TO
CARE FOR YOUR UVULA!
LOVE, SIS."

CARE FOR YOUR UVULA!
LOVE, SIS."
BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS.

LOVE, SIS."
BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS.
FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD,

BOY, DO I HEAR YA, SIS.
FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD,
CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA!

FROM NOW ON, IT'S STRICTLY GOOD,
CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA!
THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE

CLEAN FUN FOR ME AND MY UVULA!
THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE
JOKE.

THAT REMINDS ME OF A LITTLE
JOKE.
KNOCK, KNOCK.

JOKE.
KNOCK, KNOCK.
Announcer: WHO'S THERE?

THE PRECEDING DRAMATIZATION WAS

BROUGHT TO YOU BY YOUR NATIONAL

UVULA ASSOCIATION.

AND NOW IT IS MY HONOR... AN
HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE... TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST

HONOR AND A PRIVILEGE... TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST
LIKE LEON REDBONE.

INTRODUCE TO YOU ALL AN ARTIST
LIKE LEON REDBONE.
LEON REDBONE.

LIKE LEON REDBONE.
LEON REDBONE.
[APPLAUSE]

LEON REDBONE.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "SHINE ON,

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON" PLAYS]

♪ THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY DARK,
SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO

SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO
SHINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO
SHINE ♪
♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING

SHINE ♪
♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING
'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪

♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING
'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪
♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪

'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪
♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪
♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID

♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪
♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID
OF DARKNESS ♪

♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID
OF DARKNESS ♪
♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK

OF DARKNESS ♪
♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK
I'LL GO" ♪

♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK
I'LL GO" ♪
♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪

I'LL GO" ♪
♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪
♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪
♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪
♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE

♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪
♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE
TALE OF WOE ♪

♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE
TALE OF WOE ♪
♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪

TALE OF WOE ♪
♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON

♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON
UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON
UP IN THE SKY ♪
♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE

UP IN THE SKY ♪
♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE
JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR

♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE
JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR
JULY ♪

JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR
JULY ♪
♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME

JULY ♪
♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME
TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪

♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME
TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,

TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON ♪
♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪

HARVEST MOON ♪
♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪
[HUMMING]

♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪
[HUMMING]
♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪

[HUMMING]
♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪
♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

♪ DO-DO DO DO ♪
♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪
[HUMMING]

♪ DO DO BA-DO-DO DO-DO ♪
[HUMMING]
♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪

[HUMMING]
♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ BA-DA-DO ♪

♪ OO-DO-DO DO-DO ♪
♪ BA-DA-DO ♪
[HUMMING]

♪ BA-DA-DO ♪
[HUMMING]
♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY

[HUMMING]
♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY
DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪

♪ I SAID THE NIGHT WAS MIGHTY
DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO

DARK, SO YOU COULD HARDLY SEE ♪
♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO
SHINE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THE MOON REFUSED TO
SHINE ♪
♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING

SHINE ♪
♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING
'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪

♪ THERE'S A COUPLE SITTING
'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪
♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪

'NEATH THE WILLOW TREE ♪
♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪
♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID

♪ FOR LOVE THEY PINED ♪
♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID
OF DARKNESS ♪

♪ LITTLE MAID WAS KINDA 'FRAID
OF DARKNESS ♪
♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK

OF DARKNESS ♪
♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK
I'LL GO" ♪

♪ SO SHE SAID, "I THINK
I'LL GO" ♪
♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪

I'LL GO" ♪
♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪
♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪

♪ THE BOY BEGAN TO SIGH ♪
♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪
♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE

♪ LOOKED UP AT THE SKY ♪
♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE
TALE OF WOE ♪

♪ AND TOLD THE MOON HIS LITTLE
TALE OF WOE ♪
♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪

TALE OF WOE ♪
♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON

♪ OH, SHINE ON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON
UP IN THE SKY ♪

♪ SHINE ON, HARVEST MOON
UP IN THE SKY ♪
♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE

UP IN THE SKY ♪
♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE
JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR

♪ I AIN'T HAD NO LOVIN' SINCE
JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR
JULY ♪

JANUARY, FEBRUARY, JUNE, OR
JULY ♪
♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME

JULY ♪
♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME
TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪

♪ SNOW TIME AIN'T NO TIME
TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,

TO STAY OUTDOORS AND SPOON ♪
♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON ♪

♪ SHINE ON, SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON ♪
♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪

HARVEST MOON ♪
♪ FOR ME AND MY GAL ♪
[HUMMING]

Announcer: THE FOLLOWING
PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN
LIVING COLOR ON NBC.

PROGRAM IS BROUGHT TO YOU IN
LIVING COLOR ON NBC.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]

LIVING COLOR ON NBC.
[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

[ELECTRONIC BEEPING]
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
YES, MR. SPOCK?

CAPTAIN KIRK TO THE BRIDGE.
YES, MR. SPOCK?
CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING

YES, MR. SPOCK?
CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING
UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED

CAPTAIN, SENSORS ARE PICKING
UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED
STRAIGHT TOWARD US.

UP AN UNIDENTIFIED VESSEL HEADED
STRAIGHT TOWARD US.
RANGE, MR. SULU?

STRAIGHT TOWARD US.
RANGE, MR. SULU?
.04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND

RANGE, MR. SULU?
.04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND
CLOSING FAST.

.04 LIGHT-YEARS, SIR, AND
CLOSING FAST.
LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A

CLOSING FAST.
LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A
HAILING FREQUENCY.

LIEUTENANT UHURA, OPEN A
HAILING FREQUENCY.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE

HAILING FREQUENCY.
I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE
THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE,

I'VE BEEN TRYING TO RAISE
THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE,
SIR.

THEM, BUT THERE'S NO RESPONSE,
SIR.
THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

SIR.
THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.

THIS IS CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.
IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

OF THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE.
IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN,

IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN,
FULL MAGNIFICATION.

PUT THEM ON THE VIEW SCREEN,
FULL MAGNIFICATION.
AYE, AYE, SIR.

FULL MAGNIFICATION.
AYE, AYE, SIR.
I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF.

AYE, AYE, SIR.
I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT,

I REPEAT, IDENTIFY YOURSELF.
WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT,
SPOCK?

WHAT KIND OF SHIP IS THAT,
SPOCK?
FASCINATING, CAPTAIN.

SPOCK?
FASCINATING, CAPTAIN.
IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY

FASCINATING, CAPTAIN.
IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY
GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST

IT WOULD APPEAR TO BE AN EARLY
GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST
200 OR 300 YEARS OLD.

GAS-COMBUSTION VEHICLE, AT LEAST
200 OR 300 YEARS OLD.
RUN IT THROUGH THE

200 OR 300 YEARS OLD.
RUN IT THROUGH THE
COMPUTER.

RUN IT THROUGH THE
COMPUTER.
FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE

COMPUTER.
FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE
NUMBERS MEAN.

FIND OUT WHAT THOSE LITTLE
NUMBERS MEAN.
I WANT ANSWERS.

NUMBERS MEAN.
I WANT ANSWERS.
PROCESS VISUAL FEED.

I WANT ANSWERS.
PROCESS VISUAL FEED.
ANALYZE AND REPLY.

PROCESS VISUAL FEED.
ANALYZE AND REPLY.
I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK,

ANALYZE AND REPLY.
I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK,
THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A

I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK,
THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A
MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE

THAT WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE A
MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE
FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B,

MENACE MORE TERRIFYING THAN THE
FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B,
MORE INSIDIOUS...

FLYING PARASITES OF INGRAHAM B,
MORE INSIDIOUS...
MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE

MORE INSIDIOUS...
MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE
SAND BATS OF MANARK 4...

MORE INSIDIOUS THAN THE
SAND BATS OF MANARK 4...
MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE

SAND BATS OF MANARK 4...
MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE
VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10.

MORE BLOODTHIRSTY THAN THE
VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10.
I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT

VAMPIRE CLOUDS OF ARGUS 10.
I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT
WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING

I HAVE A HUNCH, MR. SPOCK, THAT
WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING
DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE

WE ARE ABOUT TO FACE SOMETHING
DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE
KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL

DEADLIER THAN THE ROMULANS, THE
KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL
ROLLED INTO ONE.

KLINGONS, AND THE GORNS ALL
ROLLED INTO ONE.
HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN.

ROLLED INTO ONE.
HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN.
THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE

HERE IS THE READOUT, CAPTAIN.
THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE
ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER

THE COMPUTER HAS IDENTIFIED THE
ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER
IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED

ALIEN VESSEL AS A 1968 CHRYSLER
IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED
WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE

IMPERIAL WITH A TINTED
WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE
HEADLIGHTS.

WINDSHIELD AND RETRACTABLE
HEADLIGHTS.
AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND

HEADLIGHTS.
AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND
ORANGE NUMBERS?

AND THE LITTLE BLUE AND
ORANGE NUMBERS?
THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA

ORANGE NUMBERS?
THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA
LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S

THAT'S CALLED A "CALIFORNIA
LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S
REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968,

LICENSE PLATE", AND IT'S
REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968,
TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC."

REGISTERED, OR WAS IN 1968,
TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC."
WAIT A MINUTE.

TO A CORPORATION KNOWN AS "NBC."
WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S SOMETHING MORE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
THERE'S SOMETHING MORE.
THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT

THERE'S SOMETHING MORE.
THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT
THINKS THIS NBC USED TO

THE COMPUTER ISN'T SURE, BUT IT
THINKS THIS NBC USED TO
MANUFACTURE COOKIES.

THINKS THIS NBC USED TO
MANUFACTURE COOKIES.
COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE

MANUFACTURE COOKIES.
COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE
SOME SORT OF ILLUSION,

COULD THAT... COULD THAT BE
SOME SORT OF ILLUSION,
MR. SPOCK?

SOME SORT OF ILLUSION,
MR. SPOCK?
IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN.

MR. SPOCK?
IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN.
SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO

IT'S NO ILLUSION, CAPTAIN.
SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO
LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT.

SCANNER READINGS INDICATE TWO
LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT.
MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO

LIFE FORMS INSIDE THIS CRAFT.
MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO
WARP FACTOR EIGHT.

MR. SULU, INCREASE SPEED TO
WARP FACTOR EIGHT.
BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE

WARP FACTOR EIGHT.
BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE
MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES.

BUT, SIR, THAT'S ONLY FOR THE
MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES.
THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT.

MOST EXTREME EMERGENCIES.
THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT.
YOU HEARD MY ORDER, MR. SULU.

THE SHIP CAN'T TAKE IT.
YOU HEARD MY ORDER, MR. SULU.
AYE, AYE, SIR.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, STARDATE
3615.6... ON A ROUTINE DELIVERY
OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH

3615.6... ON A ROUTINE DELIVERY
OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH
COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED

OF MEDICAL SUPPLIES TO EARTH
COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED
THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE

COLONY 9, WE ARE BEING CHASED
THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE
THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A

THROUGH SPACE BY AN AUTOMOBILE
THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A
COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED

THREE CENTURIES OLD, OWNED BY A
COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED
COOKIES.

COMPANY THAT MANUFACTURED
COOKIES.
IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY

COOKIES.
IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING

IT WOULD ALL SEEM SILLY
IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING
OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS

IF IT WEREN'T FOR THIS FEELING
OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS
SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM.

OF DREAD THAT HAUNTS ME, THIS
SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM.
THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US,

SENSE OF IMPENDING DOOM.
THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US,
CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE RIGHT BEHIND US,
CAPTAIN.
LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU.

CAPTAIN.
LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU.
PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION.

LET'S LOSE THEM, MR. SULU.
PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION.
HELM HARD TO PORT!

PREPARE FOR EVASIVE ACTION.
HELM HARD TO PORT!
HARD TO STARBOARD!

HELM HARD TO PORT!
HARD TO STARBOARD!
HARD TO PORT!

HARD TO STARBOARD!
HARD TO PORT!
FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M

HARD TO PORT!
FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M
EXHAUSTED.

FRANKLY, CAPTAIN, I'M
EXHAUSTED.
ME TOO.

EXHAUSTED.
ME TOO.
STABILIZE, MR. SULU.

ME TOO.
STABILIZE, MR. SULU.
LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE.

STABILIZE, MR. SULU.
LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE.
WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM.

LOOK, CAPTAIN, IT'S NO USE.
WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM.
THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT

WE CAN'T SHAKE THEM.
THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT
THEY WON'T FORGET.

THEN WE'LL GIVE THEM A FIGHT
THEY WON'T FORGET.
ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE

THEY WON'T FORGET.
ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE
STATIONS.

ALL HANDS, MAN YOUR BATTLE
STATIONS.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

STATIONS.
THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
RED ALERT!

THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
RED ALERT!
MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!

RED ALERT!
MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!
RED ALERT!

MAN YOUR BATTLE STATIONS!
RED ALERT!
[BUZZER RINGS]

RED ALERT!
[BUZZER RINGS]
PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET,

[BUZZER RINGS]
PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET,
SIR.

PHASERS LOCKED ON TARGET,
SIR.
CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T.

SIR.
CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T.
STAND BY TO FIRE.

CAPTAIN, YOU CAN'T.
STAND BY TO FIRE.
PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR.

STAND BY TO FIRE.
PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS

PHASERS STANDING BY, SIR.
WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS
ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT.

WE DON'T KNOW WHO THE ALIENS
ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT.
TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING

ARE OR WHAT THEY WANT.
TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING
WOULD BE ILLOGICAL.

TO KILL THEM WITHOUT ANYTHING
WOULD BE ILLOGICAL.
FACT, MR. SPOCK.

WOULD BE ILLOGICAL.
FACT, MR. SPOCK.
WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS.

FACT, MR. SPOCK.
WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS.
FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

WE DO NOT KNOW THEIR INTENTIONS.
FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN.

FACT... I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN.
AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY

LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN.
AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY
CHANCES.

AND FACT... I CAN'T TAKE ANY
CHANCES.
FIRE MAIN PHASERS!

CHANCES.
FIRE MAIN PHASERS!
I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!"

FIRE MAIN PHASERS!
I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!"
I'M TRYING, SIR.

I SAID, "FIRE MAIN PHASERS!"
I'M TRYING, SIR.
NOTHING IS HAPPENING.

I'M TRYING, SIR.
NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
LOCK AND ARM PHOTON

NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
LOCK AND ARM PHOTON
TORPEDOES, MR. SULU.

LOCK AND ARM PHOTON
TORPEDOES, MR. SULU.
THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER,

TORPEDOES, MR. SULU.
THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER,
CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE NOT WORKING EITHER,
CAPTAIN.
DEFLECTORS UP.

CAPTAIN.
DEFLECTORS UP.
CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT

DEFLECTORS UP.
CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT
RESPOND.

CAPTAIN, THE HELM DOES NOT
RESPOND.
THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD.

RESPOND.
THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD.
WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN.

THE CONTROLS ARE DEAD.
WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE STOPPING.

WE'RE SLOWING DOWN, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE STOPPING.
[ELECTRONIC BEEP]

WE'RE STOPPING.
[ELECTRONIC BEEP]
BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM.

[ELECTRONIC BEEP]
BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM.
ACKNOWLEDGE.

BRIDGE TO ENGINE ROOM.
ACKNOWLEDGE.
[Scottish accent] SCOTTY

ACKNOWLEDGE.
[Scottish accent] SCOTTY
HERE, CAPTAIN.

[Scottish accent] SCOTTY
HERE, CAPTAIN.
WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON,

HERE, CAPTAIN.
WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON,
SCOTTY?

WHAT IN BLAZES IS GOING ON,
SCOTTY?
I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN.

SCOTTY?
I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T

I DON'T KNOW, CAPTAIN.
WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T
KNOW WHY.

WE'RE LOSING POWER, AND I DON'T
KNOW WHY.
WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN!

KNOW WHY.
WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN!
GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE.

WELL, DO SOMETHING, MAN!
GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE.
CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS.

GO TO MANUAL OVERDRIVE.
CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS.
SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN,

CUT TO AUXILIARY SYSTEMS.
SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN,
BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS

SAINTS PRESERVE US, CAPTAIN,
BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS
ARE OUT.

BUT EVEN THE EMERGENCY SYSTEMS
ARE OUT.
WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY.

ARE OUT.
WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY.
I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT!

WELL, FIX IT, SCOTTY.
I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT!
THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN

I DON'T CARE HOW, BUT FIX IT!
THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN
STAND IN THE BALANCE.

THE LIVES OF 430 CREWMEN
STAND IN THE BALANCE.
KIRK OUT.

STAND IN THE BALANCE.
KIRK OUT.
LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE

KIRK OUT.
LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE
STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN.

LIFE-SUPPORT SYSTEMS ARE
STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN.
BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK?

STILL OPERATIVE, CAPTAIN.
BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK?
FOR HOW LONG?

BUT FOR HOW LONG, MR. SPOCK?
FOR HOW LONG?
LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM

FOR HOW LONG?
LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM
STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION.

LIEUTENANT UHURA, INFORM
STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION.
ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD,

STARFLEET OF OUR SITUATION.
ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD,
CAPTAIN.

ALL COMMUNICATIONS ARE DEAD,
CAPTAIN.
WELL, KEEP TRYING.

CAPTAIN.
WELL, KEEP TRYING.
JIM, I-I...

WELL, KEEP TRYING.
JIM, I-I...
JIM, I...

JIM, I-I...
JIM, I...
SPIT IT OUT, MAN.

JIM, I...
SPIT IT OUT, MAN.
JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM.

SPIT IT OUT, MAN.
JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM.
THEY BOARDED THE SHIP.

JIM... THE ALIENS, JIM.
THEY BOARDED THE SHIP.
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.

THEY BOARDED THE SHIP.
THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
BUT... BUT HOW? HOW?

THEY'RE COMING THIS WAY.
BUT... BUT HOW? HOW?
DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD?

BUT... BUT HOW? HOW?
DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD?
DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE?

DID THEY BEAM ON BOARD?
DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE?
HOW DID THEY GET HERE?

DID THEY SUDDENLY MATERIALIZE?
HOW DID THEY GET HERE?
THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM

HOW DID THEY GET HERE?
THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM
BEHIND THE CURTAINS.

THEY JUST OF STEPPED OUT FROM
BEHIND THE CURTAINS.
DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR.

BEHIND THE CURTAINS.
DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR.
WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM,

DESCRIBE THEM, DOCTOR.
WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM,
HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE.

WELL, THERE ARE TWO OF THEM,
HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE.
THEY'RE BIPEDS.

HUMANOID IN APPEARANCE.
THEY'RE BIPEDS.
THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING,

THEY'RE BIPEDS.
THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING,
EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF

THEY HAVE SORT OF DRAB CLOTHING,
EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF
THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED

EXCEPT THAT AROUND THE NECK OF
THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED
PIECE OF CLOTH.

THE LEADER IS A BRIGHTLY COLORED
PIECE OF CLOTH.
WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD

PIECE OF CLOTH.
WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD
ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING?

WAS THERE ANYTHING ELSE ODD
ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING?
I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR,

ABOUT THEIR CLOTHING?
I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR,
DAMN IT.

I'M A DOCTOR, NOT A TAILOR,
DAMN IT.
I DON'T KNOW.

DAMN IT.
I DON'T KNOW.
BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING

I DON'T KNOW.
BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING
STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE

BUT, YES, THERE WAS SOMETHING
STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE
ENGLISH.

STRANGE, LIKE THEY SPOKE
ENGLISH.
THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM.

ENGLISH.
THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM.
THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS!

THEY SPOKE ENGLISH, JIM.
THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS!
I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE

THEY'LL BE HERE IN SECONDS!
I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE
TURBOLIFT.

I CAN HEAR THEM COMING UP THE
TURBOLIFT.
WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.

TURBOLIFT.
WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM.

WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING.
WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM.
I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK

WE'LL BE READY FOR THEM.
I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE,

I'M CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK
WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE,
REPRESENTING THE UNITED

WITH THE STARSHIP ENTERPRISE,
REPRESENTING THE UNITED
FEDERATION OF PLANETS.

REPRESENTING THE UNITED
FEDERATION OF PLANETS.
HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF

FEDERATION OF PLANETS.
HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF
PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK.

HI, I'M HERB GOODMAN, HEAD OF
PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK.
STAND BACK.

PROGRAMMING FOR THE NETWORK.
STAND BACK.
I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT.

STAND BACK.
I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,

I WILL NOT HESITATE TO SHOOT.
CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?

CAN I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE?
PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION.

PLEASE?
PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION.
CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND

PLEASE, I NEED SOME ATTENTION.
CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND
EFFECTS DOWN?

CURTIS, WILL YOU TURN THE SOUND
EFFECTS DOWN?
I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION,

EFFECTS DOWN?
I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION,
PLEASE.

I'D LIKE EVERYBODY'S ATTENTION,
PLEASE.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

PLEASE.
I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
[SOUND EFFECTS FADE]

I HAVE AN ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
[SOUND EFFECTS FADE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

[SOUND EFFECTS FADE]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS,

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS,
WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO,

DUE TO THE LOW NIELSEN RATINGS,
WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO,
UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL

WE AT NBC HAVE DECIDED TO,
UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL
"STAR TREK."

UNFORTUNATELY, CANCEL
"STAR TREK."
FIRE AT MY COMMAND!

"STAR TREK."
FIRE AT MY COMMAND!
ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS

FIRE AT MY COMMAND!
ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS
THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP

ON YOUR WAY OUT, YOU CAN PASS
THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP
YOUR CHECKS.

THE CASHIER'S DESK AND PICK UP
YOUR CHECKS.
SET PHASERS TO "STUN."

YOUR CHECKS.
SET PHASERS TO "STUN."
FIRE!

SET PHASERS TO "STUN."
FIRE!
NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM.

FIRE!
NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

NOTHING'S HAPPENING, JIM.
I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN

I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.
DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN
THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY

DO ME A FAVOR AND RETURN
THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY
DEPARTMENT, OKAY?

THESE THINGS TO THE PROPERTY
DEPARTMENT, OKAY?
TRY "KILL."

DEPARTMENT, OKAY?
TRY "KILL."
THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING,

TRY "KILL."
THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING,
JIM.

THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING,
JIM.
THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING.

JIM.
THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING.
MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN.

THEY'RE STILL NOT WORKING.
MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN.
I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY

MOST PECULIAR, CAPTAIN.
I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY
POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS

I CAN ONLY ASSUME THAT THEY
POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS
DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I

POSSESS SOME SORT OF WEAPONS
DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I
SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM

DEACTIVATOR, IN WHICH CASE I
SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM
UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS

SHALL MERELY RENDER HIM
UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS
VULCAN NERVE PINCH.

UNCONSCIOUS WITH MY FAMOUS
VULCAN NERVE PINCH.
OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO

VULCAN NERVE PINCH.
OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO
ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE

OF COURSE, IF IT WAS UP TO
ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE
THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE

ME, YOU COULD KEEP THEM, GIVE
THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE
KIDS, WHATEVER.

THEM AWAY AS SOUVENIRS TO THE
KIDS, WHATEVER.
BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A

KIDS, WHATEVER.
BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A
COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING,

BUT WE'RE PLANNING TO MARKET A
COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING,
AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED

COMPLETE LINE FOR MERCHANDISING,
AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED
TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE

AND... OH, THAT'S, UH... WE NEED
TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE
COPIED.

TO SEND THEM TO TAIWAN TO BE
COPIED.
IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT?

COPIED.
IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT?
YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY.

IT'S NICE MATERIAL, ISN'T IT?
YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY.
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS

YES, NIMOY, I'M SORRY.
WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS
BACK, TOO.

WE'LL HAVE TO TAKE YOUR EARS
BACK, TOO.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.

BACK, TOO.
FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.
WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO

FOR GOD'S SAKE, MAN.
WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO
EXPLORE SPACE.

WE'RE ON A FIVE-YEAR MISSION TO
EXPLORE SPACE.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR

EXPLORE SPACE.
WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR
THREE YEARS!

WE'VE ONLY BEEN OUT HERE FOR
THREE YEARS!
I'M SORRY.

THREE YEARS!
I'M SORRY.
IT'S THE NIELSENS.

I'M SORRY.
IT'S THE NIELSENS.
IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS

IT'S THE NIELSENS.
IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS
LIKE IT.

IF IT WAS UP TO ME... MY KIDS
LIKE IT.
WAIT.

LIKE IT.
WAIT.
WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS

WAIT.
WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS
THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT,

WHAT... WHAT ARE THOSE NIELSENS
THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT,
MR. SPOCK?

THE ALIEN KEEPS TALKING ABOUT,
MR. SPOCK?
IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY

MR. SPOCK?
IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY
CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS

IF I REMEMBER MY HISTORY
CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS
WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF

CORRECTLY, CAPTAIN, NIELSENS
WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF
ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS

WERE A PRIMITIVE SYSTEM OF
ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS
ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th

ESTIMATING TELEVISION VIEWERS
ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th
CENTURY.

ONCE USED IN THE MID-20th
CENTURY.
IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY,

CENTURY.
IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY,
HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS.

IF MAN WERE MEANT TO FLY,
HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,

HE'D HAVE BETTER RATINGS.
IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
MR. GOODBODY?

IS THAT WHAT YOU'RE SAYING,
MR. GOODBODY?
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.

MR. GOODBODY?
I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO.

I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF THIS.
GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO.
I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON.

GEORGE, NICHELLE, LET'S GO.
I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON.
I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY.

I'M GONNA TIE ONE ON.
I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY.
I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME.

I'M WITH YOU, KELLEY.
I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME.
BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK,

I THINK I'LL JUST GO HOME.
BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK,
DR. McCOY.

BELAY THAT KIND OF TALK,
DR. McCOY.
BILL, FORGET IT.

DR. McCOY.
BILL, FORGET IT.
IT'S LOST.

BILL, FORGET IT.
IT'S LOST.
IT'S ALL OVER.

IT'S LOST.
IT'S ALL OVER.
LEONARD, YOU COMING?

IT'S ALL OVER.
LEONARD, YOU COMING?
LAY OFF, JOKER.

LEONARD, YOU COMING?
LAY OFF, JOKER.
WAIT A MINUTE.

LAY OFF, JOKER.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY

WAIT A MINUTE.
MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY
THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU

MR. SPOCK, WE HAVE YET TO TRY
THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU
ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S

THE VULCAN MIND MELD, WHERE YOU
ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S
MIND, MELD WITH HIS

ACTUALLY ENTER THE ALIEN'S
MIND, MELD WITH HIS
INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS

MIND, MELD WITH HIS
INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS
THOUGHTS.

INTELLIGENCE, AND READ HIS
THOUGHTS.
I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND

THOUGHTS.
I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND
WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO

I ENTERED MR. GOODMAN'S MIND
WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO
DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS

WHILE YOU WERE TALKING TO
DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS
ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN

DR. McCOY, CAPTAIN, AND IT WAS
ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN
THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE

ALL... ALL DARK AND EMPTY IN
THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE
MICE IN THE CORNERS.

THERE, AND THERE WERE LITTLE
MICE IN THE CORNERS.
SPOCK!

MICE IN THE CORNERS.
SPOCK!
I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE

SPOCK!
I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE
CEILING.

I KEPT BUMPING MY HEAD ON THE
CEILING.
SPOCK!

CEILING.
SPOCK!
I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.

SPOCK!
I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.
ALL RIGHT.

I'M ALL RIGHT, CAPTAIN.
ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS?

ALL RIGHT.
WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS?
YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF

WHAT DO YOU THINK, CURTIS?
YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF
THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"?

YOU THINK WE CAN SELL ANY OF
THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"?
WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES

THIS JUNK TO "LOST IN SPACE"?
WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES
APART.

WELL, MAN, IT ALL COMES
APART.
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE.

APART.
HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE.
RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS.

HEY, GET AWAY FROM THERE.
RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS.
IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY?

RIGHT ON, BUCK ROGERS.
IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY?
NO.

IS THAT AN ORDER, BABY?
NO.
OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND

NO.
OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND
BREAK IT ON UP.

OKAY, BOYS, LET'S GO AND
BREAK IT ON UP.
NO.

BREAK IT ON UP.
NO.
IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS!

NO.
IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS!
NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS

IT CAN'T LET IT END LIKE THIS!
NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS
SHIP.

NO, I'M THE COMMANDER OF THIS
SHIP.
I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE.

SHIP.
I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE.
IT IS MY SHIP.

I GIVE THE ORDERS AROUND HERE.
IT IS MY SHIP.
I GIVE THE COMMANDS.

IT IS MY SHIP.
I GIVE THE COMMANDS.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES

I GIVE THE COMMANDS.
I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES
OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT

I AM RESPONSIBLE FOR THE LIVES
OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT
LET THEM DOWN.

OF 430 CREWMEN, AND I WILL NOT
LET THEM DOWN.
THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT.

LET THEM DOWN.
THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT.
YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE

THERE MUST BE SOME WAY OUT.
YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE
EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN.

YOU'RE BECOMING QUITE
EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED

EMOTIONAL, CAPTAIN.
NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED
VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN

NEEDLESS TO SAY, MY TRAINED
VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN
DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL.

VULCAN MIND FINDS SUCH OPEN
DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL.
EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES

DISPLAYS OF EMOTION DISTASTEFUL.
EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES
WITH LOGIC.

EMOTION, YOU SEE, INTERFERES
WITH LOGIC.
IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH

WITH LOGIC.
IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH
PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL,

IT IS ONLY BY DEALING WITH
PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL,
SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN

PROBLEMS IN A LOGICAL,
SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN
ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS.

SCIENTIFIC FASHION THAT WE CAN
ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS.
NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN

ARRIVE AT VALID SOLUTIONS.
NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN
TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I

NOW, WITH REGARD TO THE ALIEN
TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I
WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME

TAKEOVER OF THE ENTERPRISE, I
WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME
NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME

WOULD SUGGEST THAT WE SEEK SOME
NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME
EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF

NEW ALTERNATIVE, BASED ON SOME
EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF
COURSE, AND TAKING INTO

EXACT COMPUTER ANALYSIS, OF
COURSE, AND TAKING INTO
CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF...

COURSE, AND TAKING INTO
CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF...
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!

CONSIDERATION ELEMENTS OF...
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
GOD!

I DON'T BELIEVE THIS!
GOD!
EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW!

GOD!
EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW!
I-I HAVE A CONTRACT!

EVERYBODY I KNOW LOVES THE SHOW!
I-I HAVE A CONTRACT!
I HAVE A CONTRACT.

I-I HAVE A CONTRACT!
I HAVE A CONTRACT.
I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS?

I HAVE A CONTRACT.
I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS?
I WANT MY EARS.

I WANT MY... WHERE'S MY EARS?
I WANT MY EARS.
LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE.

I WANT MY EARS.
LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE.
LEAVE IT ALONE!

LEAVE THAT STUFF ALONE.
LEAVE IT ALONE!
LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS.

LEAVE IT ALONE!
LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS.
SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH?

LEAVE IT WHERE IT IS.
SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH?
SPOCK?!

SO THAT'S WHAT IT IS, HUH?
SPOCK?!
YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER?

SPOCK?!
YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER?
SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH?

YOU'RE HALF HUMAN, REMEMBER?
SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH?
JUST ME, HUH?

SO THAT'S HOW IT IS, HUH?
JUST ME, HUH?
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS

JUST ME, HUH?
WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS
BEFORE.

WELL, I'VE BEEN IN TOUGHER SPOTS
BEFORE.
NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE

BEFORE.
NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE
UP.

NO WAY... NO WAY AM I GONNA GIVE
UP.
I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE

UP.
I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE
SHIP.

I'D RATHER GO DOWN WITH THE
SHIP.
OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL

SHIP.
OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL
FROM A MARGARINE COMPANY.

OH, SHATNER, YOU HAD A CALL
FROM A MARGARINE COMPANY.
THEY SAID THEY'D CALL YOU BACK.

CAPTAIN'S LOG, FINAL ENTRY.
WE HAVE TRIED TO EXPLORE STRANGE
NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW

WE HAVE TRIED TO EXPLORE STRANGE
NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW
CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO

NEW WORLDS, TO SEEK OUT NEW
CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO
WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.

CIVILIZATIONS, TO BOLDLY GO
WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION

WHERE NO MAN HAS GONE BEFORE.
AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION
NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND

AND EXCEPT FOR ONE TELEVISION
NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND
INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE

NETWORK, WE HAVE FOUND
INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE
GALAXY.

INTELLIGENCE EVERYWHERE IN THE
GALAXY.
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.

GALAXY.
LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.
PROMISE.

LIVE LONG AND PROSPER.
PROMISE.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK,

PROMISE.
CAPTAIN JAMES T. KIRK,
SC 937-0176 CEC.

THE MUPPETS ARE VACATIONING
IN ENGLAND FOR A WHILE, AND THEY
SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M

IN ENGLAND FOR A WHILE, AND THEY
SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M
GONNA READ IT TO YOU.

SENT US THIS POSTCARD, AND I'M
GONNA READ IT TO YOU.
"DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A

GONNA READ IT TO YOU.
"DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A
WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND.

"DEAR GANG, WE'RE HAVING A
WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND.
WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A

WONDERFUL TIME HERE IN ENGLAND.
WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A
FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE.

WE TRACED OUR ANCESTRY BACK TO A
FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE.
NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO

FELT FACTORY IN YORKSHIRE.
NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO
SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF

NEXT WEEK, WE'RE GOING TO
SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF
OURS, THE LOCH NESS MUPPET.

SCOTLAND TO VISIT A COUSIN OF
OURS, THE LOCH NESS MUPPET.
LOVE TO ALL, THE MUPPETS."

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
THAT'S SILLY.

CHEVY CHASE.
THAT'S SILLY.
EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE.

THAT'S SILLY.
EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE.
EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY.

EVERYBODY MAKES NOISE.
EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY.
SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH?

EVERYBODY REACTS DIFFERENTLY.
SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH?
THAT'S NOT A...

SO WHAT IF YOU HAPPEN TO LAUGH?
THAT'S NOT A...
I GOT TO GO.

THAT'S NOT A...
I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.

I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND SO ARE YOU.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN
PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT... CUBAN
PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF

PREMIER FIDEL CASTRO ANNOUNCED
THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF
ANGOLA.

THAT HE IS PULLING OUT OF
ANGOLA.
A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE

ANGOLA.
A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE
REACHED FOR COMMENT.

A FRUSTRATED ANGOLA COULD NOT BE
REACHED FOR COMMENT.
JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE,

REACHED FOR COMMENT.
JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE,
ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO

JIMMY CARTER AND HIS WIFE,
ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO
DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF

ROSALYNN, IN AN EFFORT TO
DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF
THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD

DRAMATIZE THE SOLIDARITY OF
THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD
THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT

THEIR MARRIAGE, HAVE HAD
THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT
THE CHEEK.

THEMSELVES EPOXIED TOGETHER AT
THE CHEEK.
ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,

THE CHEEK.
ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,
TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES,

ALSO ON THE CAMPAIGN TRAIL,
TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES,
MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH

TRAILING IN THE PRIMARIES,
MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH
EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY

MORRIS UDALL MADE A LAST-DITCH
EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY
SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT

EFFORT AT VOTE-GETTING BY
SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT
A CHAIR.

SHOWING A CROWD THAT HE CAN LIFT
A CHAIR.
WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE

A CHAIR.
WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE
WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING

WELL, OHIO REPRESENTATIVE
WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING
UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS

WAYNE HAYS, SHOWN HERE HOLDING
UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH A

UP NOTHING, HAS ADMITTED HIS
RELATIONSHIP WITH A
$14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY.

RELATIONSHIP WITH A
$14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY.
SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER

$14,000-A-YEAR SECRETARY.
SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER
DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC,

SOURCES REPORT THAT HAYS, AFTER
DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC,
COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR?

DOING SOME QUICK ARITHMETIC,
COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR?
I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT."

COMMENTED, "$14,000 A YEAR?
I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT."
SORRY ABOUT THAT.

I THOUGHT IT WAS $38 A NIGHT."
SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HERE.

SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HERE.
THE WOMAN IN QUESTION,

HERE.
THE WOMAN IN QUESTION,
ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A

THE WOMAN IN QUESTION,
ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A
"GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN

ELIZABETH RAY, POSING HERE FOR A
"GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER,

"GIRLS OF WASHINGTON" LAYOUT IN
PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER,
REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I

PLAYBOY MAGAZINE IN SEPTEMBER,
REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I
CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T

REPORTEDLY TOLD THE PRESS, "I
CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T
KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND

CAN'T USE A TYPEWRITER, I DON'T
KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND
AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION

KNOW AN 'L' FROM AN 'R, ' AND
AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION
YEAR."

AFTER ALL, THIS IS AN ELECTION
YEAR."
WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES

YEAR."
WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES
ANYMORE.

WELL, NOBODY REALLY CARES
ANYMORE.
THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL

ANYMORE.
THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL
HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE

THE WEST POINT CHEATING SCANDAL
HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE
PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS

HAS REACHED SUCH LARGE
PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS
CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR

PROPORTIONS THAT THE ACADEMY IS
CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR
CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING

CONSIDERING CHANGING ITS HONOR
CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING
HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS.

CODE RATHER THAN EXPELLING
HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS.
THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A

HUNDREDS OF WEST POINT CADETS.
THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A
CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR

THE HONOR CODE NOW STATES THAT A
CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR
CHEAT.

CADET WILL NOT LIE, STEAL, OR
CHEAT.
THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED

CHEAT.
THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED
STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE

THE NEW CODE BEING PROPOSED
STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE
OR STEAL.

STATES THAT A CADET WILL NOT LIE
OR STEAL.
WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY

OR STEAL.
WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY
UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC

WELL, AIR BULGARIA TODAY PROUDLY
UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC
TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO

UNVEILED ITS NEW SUPERSONIC
TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO
COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW

TRANSPORT PLANE, DESIGNED TO
COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW
IN SERVICE.

COMPETE WITH THE CONCORDE NOW
IN SERVICE.
THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE

IN SERVICE.
THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE
SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET

THE CRAFT WILL FLY AT TWICE THE
SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET
IT INSIDE A CONCORDE.

SPEED OF SOUND IF THEY CAN GET
IT INSIDE A CONCORDE.
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA,

IT INSIDE A CONCORDE.
AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA,
FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE

AT THE UNIVERSITY OF NEVADA,
FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE
HONOR THIS WEEK.

FRANK SINATRA RECEIVED A DOUBLE
HONOR THIS WEEK.
HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE

HONOR THIS WEEK.
HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE
LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF

HE WAS NAMED DOCTOR OF HUMANE
LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF
THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY

LETTERS AND ALSO THE WINNER OF
THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.

THIS YEAR'S MICKEY ROONEY
LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE

LOOK-ALIKE CONTEST.
BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE
SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED

BOSTON BRUIN BOBBY ORR, THE
SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED
THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO

SUPERSTAR DEFENSEMAN, ANNOUNCED
THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO
ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT

THAT HE WILL GIVE UP HOCKEY TO
ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT
IN THE '76 OLYMPICS.

ENTER THE FREESTYLE-DIVING EVENT
IN THE '76 OLYMPICS.
HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A

IN THE '76 OLYMPICS.
HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A
PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID

HE IS SHOWN HERE EXECUTING A
PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID
ICE.

PERFECT SWAN DIVE INTO SOLID
ICE.
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT

ICE.
FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM

FORMER VICE PRESIDENT
SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM
HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS

SPIRO AGNEW TOOK TIME OFF FROM
HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS
WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE

HIS BOOK-PROMOTION TOUR THIS
WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE
PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR.

WEEK TO ATTEND A MASQUERADE
PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR.
AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE

PARTY GIVEN IN HIS HONOR.
AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE
DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME.

AGNEW IS SHOWN HERE BEFORE HE
DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME.
THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER

DECIDED ON HIS COSTUME.
THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER
PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED

THIS JUST IN... PETER PIPER
PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED
PEPPERS.

PICKED A PECK OF PICKLED
PEPPERS.
MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.

PEPPERS.
MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.
STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS

MORE ON THAT STORY LATER.
STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS
AN ALARM CLOCK, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD BUYS
AN ALARM CLOCK, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG
WITH ME.
I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP.

WITH ME.
I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP.
I DON'T KNOW.

I CAN'T GET ANY SLEEP.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX.

I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX.
WHAT?

I JUST CAN'T SEEM TO RELAX.
WHAT?
SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING.

WHAT?
SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING.
I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD.

SAY, HONEY, I'M STARVING.
I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD.
MAKE IT YOURSELF.

I SURE COULD USE A NICE SALAD.
MAKE IT YOURSELF.
AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT...

MAKE IT YOURSELF.
AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT...
ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING.

AW, I DON'T FEEL LIKE IT...
ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING.
IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A

ALL THAT CHOPPING AND CUTTING.
IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A
SALAD.

IT'S TOO MUCH BOTHER TO MAKE A
SALAD.
I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD

SALAD.
I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD
ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS

I GUESS YOU TWO HAVEN'T HEARD
ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO

ABOUT VIBRAMATIC, THAT FABULOUS
HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO
THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP

HOUSEHOLD APPLIANCE FROM ROVCO
THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP
YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN

THAT'LL FIX YOU A SALAD AND HELP
YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN
SAY, "VIBRAMATIC."

YOU RELAX AS FAST AS YOU CAN
SAY, "VIBRAMATIC."
IT'S A KITCHEN AID.

SAY, "VIBRAMATIC."
IT'S A KITCHEN AID.
I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A

IT'S A KITCHEN AID.
I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A
BEAUTY FRIEND.

I'S A PERSONAL MASSAGER AND A
BEAUTY FRIEND.
IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT

BEAUTY FRIEND.
IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT
SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES,

IT CHOPS, IT STIMULATES, IT
SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES,
AND MASSAGES.

SLICES, IT DICES, IT TINGLES,
AND MASSAGES.
IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH

AND MASSAGES.
IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH
AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE

IT MASSAGES THOSE HARD-TO-REACH
AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE
NOSE...

AREAS LIKE THE BRIDGE OF THE
NOSE...
THE BACK OF THE NECK...

WHOA!

AND IT CAN BE YOURS FOR THE

UNBELIEVABLY LOW PRICE OF

$39.95.

THAT'S RIGHT, JUST $39.95.

THE EXCITING VIBRAMATIC...

RECOMMENDED BY ATHLETES...

PENETRATES TO BRING DEEP-DOWN

RELIEF TO TENDER MUSCLE ZONES.

RELAXING, REFRESHING, MAKES YOU
FEEL GOOD ALL OVER.
OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT

FEEL GOOD ALL OVER.
OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC.

OOH, I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC.
I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE

I'D DO WITHOUT MY VIBRAMATIC.
I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE
HOUSE.

I USE IT IN EVERY ROOM IN THE
HOUSE.
VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN

HOUSE.
VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN
SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN

VIBRAMATIC CUTS EVERYTHING IN
SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN
SLICES ONIONS.

SIGHT... LETTUCE, CABBAGES, EVEN
SLICES ONIONS.
WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS

SLICES ONIONS.
WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS
YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.

WITH VIBRAMATIC, THE ONLY TEARS
YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.
PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY

YOU'LL CRY WILL BE TEARS OF JOY.
PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY
TIME.

PERFECT, EVEN STROKES EVERY
TIME.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?

TIME.
ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS.

ISN'T THAT AMAZING?
MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS.
A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER

MAKES SALADS IN SECONDS.
A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER
WANT TO BE WITHOUT.

A HOUSEHOLD TOOL YOU'LL NEVER
WANT TO BE WITHOUT.
GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE

WANT TO BE WITHOUT.
GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE
VIBRAMATIC.

GET YOURS NOW... THE INCREDIBLE
VIBRAMATIC.
FOR WOMEN...

VIBRAMATIC.
FOR WOMEN...
AND VEGETABLES.

FOR WOMEN...
AND VEGETABLES.
COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR

AND VEGETABLES.
COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR
YOUR MONEY BACK.

COMPLETE SATISFACTION OR
YOUR MONEY BACK.
Announcer: VIBRAMATIC... AT

YOUR MONEY BACK.
Announcer: VIBRAMATIC... AT
WOOLIES.

UNITED NATIONS SECRETARY
GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM SAID TODAY
THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE,

GENERAL KURT WALDHEIM SAID TODAY
THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE,
INDIA, AND LITHUANIA.

THAT SYRIA, LEBANON, GREECE,
INDIA, AND LITHUANIA.
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI

INDIA, AND LITHUANIA.
HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI
KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD,

HEAVYWEIGHT CHAMP MUHAMMAD ALI
KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD,
1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY.

KNOCKED OUT A 6-YEAR-OLD,
1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY.
IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB.

1st-GRADE GIRL IN OHIO TODAY.
IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB.
THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS

IT ONLY TOOK HIM ONE LEFT JAB.
THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS
CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL.

THE GIRL IS REPORTED IN SERIOUS
CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL.
WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL,

CONDITION AT A NEARBY HOSPITAL.
WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL,
CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE

WHILE THE CITY OF MONTREAL,
CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE
UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS

CANADA, READIES ITSELF FOR THE
UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS
FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE

UPCOMING SUMMER OLYMPICS, TEAMS
FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE
PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE

FROM OVER MUCH OF THE WORLD ARE
PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE
GAMES.

PRACTICING DAY AND NIGHT FOR THE
GAMES.
REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS

GAMES.
REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS
CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN

REPORTING ON ONE SUCH TEAM IS
CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN
IN LATVIA.

CORRESPONDENT JACQUELINE CARLIN
IN LATVIA.
[High-pitched voice] THE

IN LATVIA.
[High-pitched voice] THE
LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD

[High-pitched voice] THE
LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD
MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION.

LATVIANS HAVE YET TO WIN A GOLD
MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION.
CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT

MEDAL IN OLYMPIC COMPETITION.
CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT
OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF

CRITICS SAY THIS MAY BE A RESULT
OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF
EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE

OF SHODDY TRAINING, LACK OF
EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM

EQUIPMENT, AND LITTLE KNOWLEDGE
OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM
AT THE GAMES.

OF WHAT MAY BE REQUIRED OF THEM
AT THE GAMES.
HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE

AT THE GAMES.
HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE
SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR

HERE THE COED TEAMMATES ARE
SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR
HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH

SHOWN PASSING BALLS OVER THEIR
HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH
BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.

HEADS TO EACH OTHER AND HALABAH
BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.
PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING

BETWEEN THEIR LEGS.
PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING
CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM

PERHAPS THE MOST INTERESTING
CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM
IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS

CONTEST FOR THIS SPIRITED TEAM
IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS
RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF

IS THE DANCE-AROUND-THE-DUCKPINS
RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF
THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE

RITUAL, DURING WHICH MEMBERS OF
THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE
AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE

THE SAME GROUP ACTUALLY DANCE
AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE
THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO

AROUND DUCKPINS, TRYING TO FORCE
THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO
KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER.

THE TEAMMATES CLOSEST TO THEM TO
KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER.
THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN...

KICK THE DUCKPINS OVER.
THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN...
[Normal voice] REPORTING.

THIS IS JACQUELINE CARLIN...
[Normal voice] REPORTING.
LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE"

[Normal voice] REPORTING.
LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE"
PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY

LAST WEEK "WEEKEND UPDATE"
PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY
GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE

PRESENTED AN EDITORIAL BY
GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE
OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S

GORDON FLOWERS OBJECTING TO THE
OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S
BICENTENNIAL.

OVERCOMMERCIALISM OF AMERICA'S
BICENTENNIAL.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS

BICENTENNIAL.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE

HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE
BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS

JUNIOR CHAIRPERSON OF THE
BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS
COMMITTEE,

BICENTENNIAL BUSINESS-AFFAIRS
COMMITTEE,
MISS AUDREY PEART DICKMAN.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH BEING

PATRIOTIC?

IN THIS, OUR BICENTENNIAL YEAR,

TOO MANY SO-CALLED CONCERNED

CITIZENS HAVE BEEN CRITICIZING

THE USE OF THE GOOD OLD RED,

WHITE, AND BLUE AND OTHER

AMERICAN SYMBOLS, IN CONNECTION

WITH COMMERCIAL PRODUCTS,

ADVERTISING, MERCHANDISING, AND

GENERAL ACTIVITIES SURROUNDING

THE CELEBRATION OF THE BIRTH OF

THIS GREAT COUNTRY.

I SAY WHAT'S WRONG WITH
EXPRESSING OUR PATRIOTISM?
I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH

EXPRESSING OUR PATRIOTISM?
I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH
THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO

I'M PROUD TO DIAPER MY BABY WITH
THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO
STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING

THE STARS AND STRIPES OR TO
STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING
AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT.

STROLL ON THE BOARDWALK WEARING
AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT.
CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND

AN OLD GLORY LEISURE SUIT.
CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A

CALL ME SENTIMENTAL AND
OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A
THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR

OLD-FASHIONED, BUT IT'S A
THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR
HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN

THRILLING REMINDER OF OUR
HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN
EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET

HERITAGE TO HAVE THE AMERICAN
EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET
TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED

EAGLE STAMPED ON MY TOILET
TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW

TISSUE SO I CAN BE REMINDED
AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW
OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT

AGAIN AND AGAIN AND AGAIN HOW
OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT
GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE,

OUR ANCESTORS FOUGHT THAT
GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE,
CLEANSING THE NATION OF

GALLANT BATTLE FOR INDEPENDENCE,
CLEANSING THE NATION OF
OPPRESSIVE FORCES.

CLEANSING THE NATION OF
OPPRESSIVE FORCES.
LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT

OPPRESSIVE FORCES.
LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT
OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN

LIFE, LIBERTY, AND THE PURSUIT
OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN
MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR

OF HAPPINESS BECOME MORE THAN
MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR
EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO

MERE WORDS WHEN THEY APPEAR
EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO
13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE

EMBOSSED ON A PIZZA SLICED INTO
13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE
VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO

13 SECTIONS AS A REMINDER OF THE
VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO
STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST

VALIANT ORIGINAL COLONIES WHO
STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST
OPPRESSION.

STOOD TOGETHER AGAINST
OPPRESSION.
YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH

OPPRESSION.
YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH
BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND

YES, I'LL BRUSH MY TEETH WITH
BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND
GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR

BICENTENNIAL TOOTHPASTE AND
GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR
GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH.

GARGLE WITH "GIVE ME LIBERTY OR
GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH.
AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT,

GIVE ME DEATH" MOUTHWASH.
AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT,
BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE

AND I'LL FEEL BETTER FOR IT,
BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE
AN AMERICAN.

BECAUSE I KNOW I'LL TASTE LIKE
AN AMERICAN.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES

AN AMERICAN.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES
ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES
ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT
OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER

ITS RESPONSIBILITY TO PRESENT
OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER
WE'RE IN THE MOOD.

OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS WHENEVER
WE'RE IN THE MOOD.
AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR

WE'RE IN THE MOOD.
AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR
VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA

AND NOW, FOR THOSE OF OUR
VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA
FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP

VIEWERS WHO MAY BE EMILY LITELLA
FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP
STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY...

FANS, I WILL REPEAT THE TOP
STORY OF THE DAY, AIDED BY...
WHO ELSE? MISS EMILY LITELLA.

[CLEARS THROAT]

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

OUR FLOP STORY TONIGHT...

NO, EMILY, I SAID, "OUR TOP

STORY."

WHAT, CHEDDAR?

OUR TOP STORY.

NOT OUR FLOP STORY.

OUR FLOP STORY WOULD BE OUR

WORST STORY.

OUR TOP STORY WOULD BE OUR BEST

STORY.

OH.

NEVER MIND.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A
PLEASANT TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A
PLEASANT TOMORROW.
GOOD MORNING, AND HOW ARE YOU

PLEASANT TOMORROW.
GOOD MORNING, AND HOW ARE YOU
TODAY?

THE TROOPS ARE IN POSITION,
SIR.
THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL

SIR.
THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL
BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN...

THE BOMBS AT THE CAPITOL
BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN...
FIVE MINUTES.

BUILDING ARE SET TO GO OFF IN...
FIVE MINUTES.
SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY

FIVE MINUTES.
SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY
BECOME A REALITY.

SO, THE WAR HAS FINALLY
BECOME A REALITY.
I HATE WAR.

BECOME A REALITY.
I HATE WAR.
I HATE IT.

I HATE WAR.
I HATE IT.
I KNOW, SIR.

I HATE IT.
I KNOW, SIR.
IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD

I KNOW, SIR.
IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD
JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL.

IF ONLY THE PRESIDENT COULD
JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL.
BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR

JUST SIGN THE APARTHEID BILL.
BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR
THAT NOW, SIR.

BUT IT'S A LITTLE LATE FOR
THAT NOW, SIR.
I KNOW. I KNOW.

THAT NOW, SIR.
I KNOW. I KNOW.
GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY

I KNOW. I KNOW.
GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY
CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS

GHANA WILL SOON BE TORN APART BY
CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS
NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME,

CIVIL VIOLENCE, AND THERE IS
NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME,
NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE

NOTHING ANYONE CAN DO... NOT ME,
NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE
UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK.

NOT YOU, NOT EVEN THE
UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK.
THAT'S TRUE, SIR.

UNITED STATES AMBASSADOR BLACK.
THAT'S TRUE, SIR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

THAT'S TRUE, SIR.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED
AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED.

WHEN SHE WAS APPOINTED
AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED.
BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS

AMBASSADOR TO GHANA, I LAUGHED.
BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS
DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER

BUT IT SEEMS SHE DOES POSSESS
DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER
DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER

DIPLOMATIC METHODS AT HER
DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER
AMBASSADOR POSSESSES.

DISPOSAL THAT NO OTHER
AMBASSADOR POSSESSES.
SHE DOES, SIR?

AMBASSADOR POSSESSES.
SHE DOES, SIR?
YES.

SHE DOES, SIR?
YES.
BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK

YES.
BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK
DID NOT COME THROUGH.

BUT THIS TIME, AMBASSADOR BLACK
DID NOT COME THROUGH.
BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND

DID NOT COME THROUGH.
BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND
IF SHE FAILED, WELL...

BUT I'M SURE SHE TRIED IT, AND
IF SHE FAILED, WELL...
BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M

IF SHE FAILED, WELL...
BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M
SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY

BUT, PRESIDENT HINCH, I'M
SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY
SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND

SURE I DROPPED MY DOLLY
SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND
YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND

SOMEWHERE VERY NEAR HERE, AND
YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND
HER.

YOU PROMISED TO HELP ME FIND
HER.
MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED

HER.
MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED
FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR

MY DEAR, WE'VE ALREADY WALKED
FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR
TO ATTEND.

FOR 10 MILES, AND I HAVE A WAR
TO ATTEND.
IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED

TO ATTEND.
IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED
CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME

IF YOU WEREN'T SO DAD-BLASTED
CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME
OUT HERE...

CONNIVING, I'D NEVER HAVE COME
OUT HERE...
MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A

OUT HERE...
MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A
COINCIDENCE.

MR. MOBUTU, WHAT A
COINCIDENCE.
MOBUTU.

COINCIDENCE.
MOBUTU.
HINCH.

MOBUTU.
HINCH.
MOBUTU.

HINCH.
MOBUTU.
OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD

MOBUTU.
OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD
YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS,

OH, MR. THALMUS, WHY, COULD
YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS,
PLEASE?

YOU FIND MY DOLLY, MR. THALMUS,
PLEASE?
I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE

PLEASE?
I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE
YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH.

I OUGHT TO KILL YOU WHILE
YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH.
MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY

YOU'RE AT ARM'S LENGTH.
MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY
NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH.

MR. MOBUTU, THAT ISN'T A VERY
NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH.
HE'S MY FRIEND.

NICE THING TO SAY TO MR. HINCH.
HE'S MY FRIEND.
HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO.

HE'S MY FRIEND.
HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO.
I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU.

HE'S MY FRIEND, TOO.
I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU.
THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY

I WOULDN'T ADVISE IT, MOBUTU.
THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY
MEN.

THE JUNGLE'S CRAWLING WITH MY
MEN.
ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN

MEN.
ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN
HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF

ONE SHOT, AND THEY'LL RUSH DOWN
HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF
OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR.

HERE AND CLOSE YOUR BASE OF
OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR.
OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS

OPERATIONS AND YOUR WAR, SIR.
OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS
JUST ICKY.

OH, YOU KNOW, I THINK WAR IS
JUST ICKY.
IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO

JUST ICKY.
IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO
WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP.

IT MAKES PEOPLE ACT LIKE I DO
WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP.
NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR.

WHEN I HAVEN'T HAD MY NAP.
NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR.
WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE

NOBODY LIKES WARS, MY DEAR.
WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE
HAVE THEM?

WELL, THEN, WHY DO PEOPLE
HAVE THEM?
WELL...

HAVE THEM?
WELL...
WELL...

WELL...
WELL...
WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD

WELL...
WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD
ANSWERS.

WELL, THOSE WEREN'T VERY GOOD
ANSWERS.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL,

ANSWERS.
YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL,
I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN

YOU KNOW, IF THIS WERE SCHOOL,
I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN
EVER-SO-BAD MARK.

I'D HAVE TO GIVE YOU BOTH AN
EVER-SO-BAD MARK.
VERY WELL, MY DEAR.

EVER-SO-BAD MARK.
VERY WELL, MY DEAR.
HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE

VERY WELL, MY DEAR.
HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE
CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES.

HERE'S YOUR ANSWER... BECAUSE
CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR.

CERTAIN PEOPLE FORCE THE ISSUES.
THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR.
AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE

THAT'S WHY THERE'S WAR.
AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE
AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES.

AND BECAUSE OTHER PEOPLE ARE
AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES.
THAT'S WHY.

AFRAID TO MAKE CHANGES.
THAT'S WHY.
NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO

THAT'S WHY.
NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO
ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH

NOW, LISTEN TO YOU TWO
ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH
OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS

ARGUING AND YELLING AT EACH
OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS
DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT.

OTHER JUST LIKE MY TEDDY BEARS
DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL

DO WHEN I'M ASLEEP AT NIGHT.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL
EACH OF THEM?

AND YOU KNOW WHAT I ALWAYS TELL
EACH OF THEM?
♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS

EACH OF THEM?
♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS
LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪

♪ DON'T BE AN OLD GRUMP WHO SITS
LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪
♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪

LIKE A BUMP ON A LOG ♪
♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪
♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A

♪ GET OFF OF YOUR RUMP ♪
♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A
FROG ♪

♪ JUST TAKE A BIG JUMP LIKE A
FROG ♪
♪ AND SIMPLY ♪

FROG ♪
♪ AND SIMPLY ♪
♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ AND SIMPLY ♪
♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST

♪ SAY, "HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST
GRIN ♪

♪ GIVE HIM THE FRIENDLIEST
GRIN ♪
♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪

GRIN ♪
♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪
♪ AND IN PLACE OF

♪ EXTEND YOUR HAND ♪
♪ AND IN PLACE OF
GETTING MADDER ♪

♪ AND IN PLACE OF
GETTING MADDER ♪
♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪

GETTING MADDER ♪
♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪
♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪

♪ YOU'LL JUST FEEL GLADDER ♪
♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND

♪ OH, WHY, NEIGHBOR ♪
♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND
FIGHT? ♪

♪ SHOULD YOU GET OUT THERE AND
FIGHT? ♪
♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR

FIGHT? ♪
♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR
ISN'T RIGHT ♪

♪ WHEN YOU KNOW WAR
ISN'T RIGHT ♪
♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY

ISN'T RIGHT ♪
♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY
TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪

♪ IT'S OH SO DREARY
TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪
♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF

TO LIVE IN FEAR-Y ♪
♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
UNCLE SAM ♪

♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
UNCLE SAM ♪
♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF

UNCLE SAM ♪
♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF
EVERY JAM ♪

♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF
EVERY JAM ♪
♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,

EVERY JAM ♪
♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,
"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,
"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A

"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A
SWELL GUY ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY HE'S SUCH A
SWELL GUY ♪
♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S

SWELL GUY ♪
♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S
REALLY TRUE ♪

♪ BECAUSE HE KNOWS THAT IT'S
REALLY TRUE ♪
♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN

REALLY TRUE ♪
♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN
THAN HATIN' ♪

♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN
THAN HATIN' ♪
♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪

THAN HATIN' ♪
♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A.

♪ SO HE GETS OUT THERE TO TRY ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A.
"H-I" ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL U.S.A.
"H-I" ♪
COME ON.

"H-I" ♪
COME ON.
YOU SING IT THIS TIME.

COME ON.
YOU SING IT THIS TIME.
IT'S REALLY FUN.

YOU SING IT THIS TIME.
IT'S REALLY FUN.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

IT'S REALLY FUN.
I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING.

I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.
I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING.
♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SING.
♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
UNCLE SAM ♪

♪ REMEMBER THE WORDS OF
UNCLE SAM ♪
♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF

UNCLE SAM ♪
♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF
EVERY JAM ♪

♪ THAT ALWAYS GET HIM OUT OF
EVERY JAM ♪
♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,

EVERY JAM ♪
♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,
"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪

♪ HE SIMPLY SAYS,
"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
HI.

"HI, NEIGHBOR" ♪
HI.
♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST

HI.
♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST
GRIN ♪

♪ GIVES HIM THE FRIENDLIEST
GRIN ♪
♪ AND IF THE SKIN

GRIN ♪
♪ AND IF THE SKIN
THAT HE'S IN ♪

♪ AND IF THE SKIN
THAT HE'S IN ♪
♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪

THAT HE'S IN ♪
♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪
Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY

♪ IS NOT THE SAME AS HIS ♪
Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY
CARES? ♪

Both: ♪ WELL, WHO REALLY
CARES? ♪
♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪

CARES? ♪
♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪
♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪

♪ WHEN GUNS ARE LOADED ♪
♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪
♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪

♪ GRENADES EXPLODING ♪
♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪
♪ OH, POO! ♪

♪ AND BOMBS IMPLODING ♪
♪ OH, POO! ♪
All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S

♪ OH, POO! ♪
All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S
SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪

All: ♪ 'CAUSE AMMUNITION'S
SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪

SHIM-SHAM-UNITITION ♪
♪ IT'S TRUE ♪
THE BOMB.

♪ IT'S TRUE ♪
THE BOMB.
HOW CAN I STOP IT?

THE BOMB.
HOW CAN I STOP IT?
MORSE CODE.

HOW CAN I STOP IT?
MORSE CODE.
USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO.

MORSE CODE.
USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO.
THE MORSE CODE THINGY.

USE YOUR RADIO, MAN, YOUR RADIO.
THE MORSE CODE THINGY.
WHAT?

THE MORSE CODE THINGY.
WHAT?
IT'S BROKEN.

WHAT?
IT'S BROKEN.
OH, NO.

IT'S BROKEN.
OH, NO.
WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO?

OH, NO.
WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO?
DOES THE RADIO WORK?

WHAT ABOUT THE RADIO?
DOES THE RADIO WORK?
YES.

DOES THE RADIO WORK?
YES.
OH, WELL, THEN, I KNOW HOW TO

YES.
OH, WELL, THEN, I KNOW HOW TO
GET THE MESSAGE THROUGH.

All: ♪ NEGOTIATIN'S MORE FUN
THAN HATIN' ♪
♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE

THAN HATIN' ♪
♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE
AND TRY ♪

♪ SO WE'LL GET OUT THERE
AND TRY ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

AND TRY ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. "H-I" ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. "H-I" ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

U.S.A. "H-I" ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL

U.S.A. ♪
♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. ♪

♪ AND THAT'S WHY I SPELL
U.S.A. ♪
All: ♪ "H-I" ♪

U.S.A. ♪
All: ♪ "H-I" ♪
THAT'S VERY GOOD.

GOOD WORK.
SAY, WHAT WAS THAT SILLY WAR
ABOUT ANYWAY?

SAY, WHAT WAS THAT SILLY WAR
ABOUT ANYWAY?
I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,

ABOUT ANYWAY?
I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,
MOBUTU.

I DON'T SEEM TO REMEMBER,
MOBUTU.
AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T

MOBUTU.
AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T
FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR

AMBASSADOR BLACK, I COULDN'T
FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR
THAT TREE.

FIND YOUR DOLLY ANYWHERE NEAR
THAT TREE.
OH, WELL.

THAT TREE.
OH, WELL.
I JUST THINK...

OH, WELL.
I JUST THINK...
OH, MY GOODNESS.

I JUST THINK...
OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT A SILLY I AM.

OH, MY GOODNESS.
WHAT A SILLY I AM.
SHE WAS HERE ALL THE TIME.

LAST WEEK I TOOK GARY WEIS
BACK TO UNCLE CHARLIE LOWE'S
SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE

BACK TO UNCLE CHARLIE LOWE'S
SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE
TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME

SCHOOL, WHERE UNCLE CHARLIE
TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME
DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW

TEACHES LITTLE KIDS LIKE ME
DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW
TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK

DICTION AND PERSONALITY AND HOW
TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK
TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS

TO TAP AND HOW TO GET ON NETWORK
TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS
WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.

TELEVISION, SO HERE'S THIS
WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.
SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,

WEEK'S FILM BY GARY WEIS.
SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,
I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS

SHE SAID, "YOU KNOW, CHARLIE,
I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS
DICTION.

I'D LIKE YOU TO FIX UP HIS
DICTION.
HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS

DICTION.
HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS
MOUTH."

HE TALKS WITH MARBLES IN HIS
MOUTH."
SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING."

MOUTH."
SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING."
"OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER

SO I SAID, "HE'LL SING."
"OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER
SING AND DANCE."

"OH," SHE SAID, "HE'LL NEVER
SING AND DANCE."
AND YOU BECAME A WONDER.

SING AND DANCE."
AND YOU BECAME A WONDER.
TOE, HOP, SMILE.

AND YOU BECAME A WONDER.
TOE, HOP, SMILE.
THAT'S IT.

TOE, HOP, SMILE.
THAT'S IT.
STAMP, HOP.

THAT'S IT.
STAMP, HOP.
THAT'S IT.

STAMP, HOP.
THAT'S IT.
GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE.

THAT'S IT.
GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE.
HOP, STAMP.

GOT TO STAY IN THE LINE.
HOP, STAMP.
GREAT.

HOP, STAMP.
GREAT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

GREAT.
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S FINE.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S FINE.
♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM

THAT'S FINE.
♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM
DA-DUM ♪

♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM DA-DUM
DA-DUM ♪
♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪

DA-DUM ♪
♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪
♪ THE MORNING ♪

♪ DA-DEEDLE DA-DEEDLE DA-DUM ♪
♪ THE MORNING ♪
♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR

♪ THE MORNING ♪
♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪

♪ WOULD YOU LIKE TO HEAR
AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪
Both: SURE.

AL JOLSON SING A SONG OR TWO? ♪
Both: SURE.
♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪

Both: SURE.
♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I

♪ LET'S GO BACK TO 1922 ♪
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I
THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO SEE... I
THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT,
YEAH?

THINK THAT'S ENOUGH OF THAT,
YEAH?
♪ MAMMY ♪

YEAH?
♪ MAMMY ♪
♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪

♪ MAMMY ♪
♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪
♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪

♪ THE SUN SHINES EAST ♪
♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪
♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES

♪ THE SUN SHINES WEST ♪
♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES
BEST ♪

♪ I KNOW WHERE THE SUN SHINES
BEST ♪
♪ MAMMY ♪

BEST ♪
♪ MAMMY ♪
GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE...

♪ MAMMY ♪
GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE...
♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪

GIVE IT, NOW, LIKE...
♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪
OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON.

♪ MY LITTLE MAMMY ♪
OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON.
NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR.

OKAY, ENOUGH OF JOLSON.
NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR.
WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR?

NOW LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO CANTOR.
WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR?
ALL RIGHT.

WILL YOU TAKE CANTOR?
ALL RIGHT.
♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I

ALL RIGHT.
♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I
KNOW SUZIE ♪

♪ IF YOU KNEW SUZIE LIKE I
KNOW SUZIE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪

KNOW SUZIE ♪
♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪
♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS

♪ OH, OH, OH, WHAT A GAL ♪
♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS
FAIR LASSIE ♪

♪ THERE'S NONE SO CLASSY AS THIS
FAIR LASSIE ♪
♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES,

FAIR LASSIE ♪
♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES,
WHAT A CHASSIS ♪

♪ OH, OH, HOLY MOSES,
WHAT A CHASSIS ♪
♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE

WHAT A CHASSIS ♪
♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE
CUTE AS A PUP ♪

♪ I HAD A MOUSTACHE
CUTE AS A PUP ♪
OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR.

CUTE AS A PUP ♪
OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR.
CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE?

OKAY, NEVER MIND FOR CANTOR.
CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE?
GO.

CAN YOU DO MIRANDA, PLEASE?
GO.
♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU

GO.
♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU
VERY MUCH ♪

♪ I-I-I-I LIKE YOU
VERY MUCH ♪
♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪

VERY MUCH ♪
♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪
♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT,

♪ I-I-I-I THINK YOU'RE GRAND ♪
♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT,
WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪

♪ WHY, WHY, WHY, WHY IS IT,
WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪
OKAY.

WHEN I FEEL YOUR TOUCH ♪
OKAY.
SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS.

OKAY.
SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS.
YOU WERE GREAT STARS.

SEE, THESE ARE OLD-TIMERS.
YOU WERE GREAT STARS.
♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER

YOU WERE GREAT STARS.
♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪

♪ WILL YOU TAKE THE FINGER
OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪
GOOD.

OUT OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪
GOOD.
♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪

GOOD.
♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪
♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET,

♪ YOU KNOW, YOU'RE OVER 2 ♪
♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET,
YOU SEE ♪

♪ A CANDY KISS IS SWEET,
YOU SEE ♪
♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS

YOU SEE ♪
♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS
FROM ME ♪

♪ BUT WAIT TILL YOU GET A KISS
FROM ME ♪
♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT

FROM ME ♪
♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪

♪ WILL YOU TAKE YOUR FINGER OUT
OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪
♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU,

OF YOUR MOUTH? ♪
♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU,
YOU MEANIE ♪

♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU,
YOU MEANIE ♪
♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪

YOU MEANIE ♪
♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪
THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE.

♪ I WANT A KISS FROM YOU, SEE ♪
THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE.
NOW GO BACK IN LINE.

THAT WAS VERY, VERY CUTE.
NOW GO BACK IN LINE.
THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS

NOW GO BACK IN LINE.
THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS
NOTE TO YOU.

THE MADEMOISELLE SENDS THIS
NOTE TO YOU.
THANK YOU, CUTIE.

NOTE TO YOU.
THANK YOU, CUTIE.
WHO ARE YOU?

THANK YOU, CUTIE.
WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE.

WHO ARE YOU?
I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE.
BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO

I'M THE FRENCHY MAID, MARIE.
BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO
ME.

BELIEVE ME, YOU LOOK GOOD TO
ME.
UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO

ME.
UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO
THAT, PLEASE.

UNH-UNH, MONSIEUR, DON'T DO
THAT, PLEASE.
AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE.

THAT, PLEASE.
AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE.
DON'T DO THAT.

AW, JUST ONE LITTLE SQUEEZE.
DON'T DO THAT.
WHY?

DON'T DO THAT.
WHY?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.

WHY?
ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT.
KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID
IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO.

KIDS, YOU SEE, THAT'S WHAT I DID
IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO.
Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE

IN SHOW BUSINESS 60 YEARS AGO.
Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE
FOLLIES ♪

Both: ♪ AND NOW SHE'S IN THE
FOLLIES ♪
♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪

FOLLIES ♪
♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪
♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪

♪ A CHORUS GIRL, OF COURSE ♪
♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪
♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE

♪ SHE DANCES LIKE A PONY ♪
♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE
A HORSE ♪

♪ BUT SHE EATS JUST LIKE
A HORSE ♪
YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?

A HORSE ♪
YOU REMEMBER THAT, HUH?
OH, CHARLIE, MY DICTION.

Announcer: AND NOW, THE BEES
PRESENT...
WITH STARS...

SO, ED CAME HOME DRUNK THE
OTHER NIGHT, ALICE, AND HE
STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS

OTHER NIGHT, ALICE, AND HE
STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS
OLD GIRLFRIENDS.

STARTED TELLING ME ABOUT ALL HIS
OLD GIRLFRIENDS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST

OLD GIRLFRIENDS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST
LOVER WAS A FLY?

DO YOU KNOW THAT ED'S FIRST
LOVER WAS A FLY?
GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED

LOVER WAS A FLY?
GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED
WITH A FLY.

GEE, TRIXIE, I CAN'T SEE ED
WITH A FLY.
THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND

WITH A FLY.
THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND
CLOSED.

THEY'RE USUALLY SO COLD AND
CLOSED.
WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN.

CLOSED.
WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN.
DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH?

WELL, ED'S FLY WAS OPEN.
DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH?
I DON'T KNOW.

DID THE TEA HELP YOUR STOMACH?
I DON'T KNOW.
I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS.

I DON'T KNOW.
I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN

I STILL FEEL SO NAUSEOUS.
I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN
FOR A WHILE.

I THINK I'M GONNA GO LIE DOWN
FOR A WHILE.
WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL.

FOR A WHILE.
WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH

WELL, THAT'S JUST AS WELL.
I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH
MAKING ED'S DINNER.

I HAVE TO GO UPSTAIRS AND FINISH
MAKING ED'S DINNER.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR

MAKING ED'S DINNER.
OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR
DINNER?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU MAKING FOR
DINNER?
ROSE HIPS.

DINNER?
ROSE HIPS.
OH.

ROSE HIPS.
OH.
OKAY, TRIXIE.

OH.
OKAY, TRIXIE.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

OKAY, TRIXIE.
I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
TAKE CARE, HONEY.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.
TAKE CARE, HONEY.
OKAY.

ALICE!
ALICE, I'M HOME.
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH.

ALICE, I'M HOME.
I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH.
OW!

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT, RALPH.
OW!
OW!

OW!
OW!
WHOA!

OW!
WHOA!
AAGH!

WHOA!
AAGH!
WHOA!

AAGH!
WHOA!
AAGH!

WHOA!
AAGH!
WHOA! AGH!

AAGH!
WHOA! AGH!
ALICE!

WHOA! AGH!
ALICE!
ALICE!

ALICE!
ALICE!
NNGH!

ALICE!
NNGH!
AAAGH!

NNGH!
AAAGH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH?

AAAGH!
WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH?
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?

WHAT'S THE MATTER, RALPH?
WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?
YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO YOU?
YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.

YOUR KNITTIN' NEEDLES.
THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.
LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA?

THAT'S WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO ME.
LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA?
WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS

LOOK, GET 'EM OUT, WILL YA?
WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS
DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE?

WHAT AM I GONNA SAY TO THE GUYS
DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE?
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK?

DOWN AT THE RACCOON LODGE?
WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA THINK?
WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU
SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE?

WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM YOU
SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE?
HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR.

SWALLOWED A PORCUPINE?
HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR.
HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE.

HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR.
HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE.
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE.

HAR-DEE-HAR HAR HAR, ALICE.
YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE.
YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE.

YOU'RE REALLY FUNNY, ALICE.
YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE.
YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE.

YOU'RE REALLY A RIOT, ALICE.
YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE.
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO,

YOU'RE GONNA GO PLACES, ALICE.
YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO,
ALICE?

YOU KNOW WHERE YOU'RE GONNA GO,
ALICE?
TO THE MOON, ALICE!

ALICE?
TO THE MOON, ALICE!
NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO

TO THE MOON, ALICE!
NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO
THE BEDROOM.

NO, RALPH, I'M GONNA GO INTO
THE BEDROOM.
I FEEL NAUSEOUS.

THE BEDROOM.
I FEEL NAUSEOUS.
OH.

I FEEL NAUSEOUS.
OH.
BANG! ZOOM!

OH.
BANG! ZOOM!
OH, AGGH!

BANG! ZOOM!
OH, AGGH!
HEY, NORTON.

OH, AGGH!
HEY, NORTON.
HEY, RALPHIE BEE.

HEY, NORTON.
HEY, RALPHIE BEE.
NORTON...

HEY, RALPHIE BEE.
NORTON...
NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT

NORTON...
NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT
OF ME.

NORTON, GET THESE THINGS OUT
OF ME.
RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN'

OF ME.
RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN'
NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU

RALPH, WITH THOSE KNITTIN'
NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU
LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL

NEEDLES STICKIN' OUT OF YOU, YOU
LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL
BUS.

LOOK A BIT LIKE A GEISHA SCHOOL
BUS.
COME ON!

BUS.
COME ON!
GET 'EM OUT OF ME.

COME ON!
GET 'EM OUT OF ME.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.

GET 'EM OUT OF ME.
OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.
I'M JUST HERE TO HELP.

WILL YOU COME ON?!
GET 'EM OUT OF ME.
OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.

GET 'EM OUT OF ME.
OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.
TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.

OKAY, OKAY, RALPHIE.
TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.
AAAAGH!

TAKE IT EASY. TAKE IT EASY.
AAAAGH!
OH!

AAAAGH!
OH!
HERE THEY ARE, RALPH.

OH!
HERE THEY ARE, RALPH.
GIVE ME THOSE.

HERE THEY ARE, RALPH.
GIVE ME THOSE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

GIVE ME THOSE.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN'

YOU KNOW, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN'
ON AROUND HERE.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHAT'S GOIN'
ON AROUND HERE.
I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES

ON AROUND HERE.
I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES
AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS

I FIND THESE KNITTIN' NEEDLES
AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS
SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE

AROUND HERE, AND ALICE SAYS
SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE
TIME.

SHE'S ALWAYS NAUSEOUS ALL THE
TIME.
KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S

TIME.
KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S
NAUSEOUS?

KNITTIN' NEEDLES AND SHE'S
NAUSEOUS?
YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS.

NAUSEOUS?
YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,

YEAH, SHE'S NAUSEOUS.
YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
RALPHIE BOY?

YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS,
RALPHIE BOY?
A LITTLE DRONE.

RALPHIE BOY?
A LITTLE DRONE.
A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A

A LITTLE DRONE.
A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A
QUEEN.

A WORKER, RALPHIE, MAYBE EVEN A
QUEEN.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY,

QUEEN.
HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY,
CONGRATULATIONS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY, RALPHIE BOY,
CONGRATULATIONS.
MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A

CONGRATULATIONS.
MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A
WORKER.

MY RALPHIE'S GONNA HAVE A
WORKER.
NORTON.

WORKER.
NORTON.
NORTON.

NORTON.
NORTON.
OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF

NORTON.
OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF
MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS

OLD PAL OF MINE, OLD BUDDY OF
MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS
PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH.

MINE, NORTON, MY ALICE IS
PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN

PREGNANT WITH A LITTLE RALPH.
I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN
YOU, RALPH.

I DIDN'T THINK YOU HAD IT IN
YOU, RALPH.
GET OUT OF HERE!

YOU, RALPH.
GET OUT OF HERE!
I'M LEAVIN'.

GET OUT OF HERE!
I'M LEAVIN'.
[MUTTERING]

I'M LEAVIN'.
[MUTTERING]
ALICE?

[MUTTERING]
ALICE?
UH, ALICE, SWEETIE?

ALICE?
UH, ALICE, SWEETIE?
ALICE...

UH, ALICE, SWEETIE?
ALICE...
ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE

ALICE...
ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE
WAS HAVIN' A BABY?

ALICE, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME WE
WAS HAVIN' A BABY?
BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT

WAS HAVIN' A BABY?
BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT
YOURS.

BECAUSE, RALPH, IT'S NOT
YOURS.
IT'S ED NORTON'S.

YOURS.
IT'S ED NORTON'S.
BABY, YOU'RE THE GREATEST.

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, LEON REDBONE WITH
JONATHAN DORN.

GENTLEMEN, LEON REDBONE WITH
JONATHAN DORN.
[APPLAUSE]

JONATHAN DORN.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "MY WALKING

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRODUCTION TO "MY WALKING
STICK" PLAYS]

♪ WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK,
I'D GO INSANE ♪
♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪

I'D GO INSANE ♪
♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪
♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED

♪ I CAN'T LOOK MY BEST ♪
♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED
WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ I FEEL UNDRESSED
WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK

WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK
'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪

♪ MUST HAVE MY WALKING STICK
'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪
♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪

'CAUSE IT MAY RAIN ♪
♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪
♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS

♪ WHEN IT POURS ♪
♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS
WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ CAN'T BE OUTDOORS
WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE

WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE
WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪

♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE
WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪
♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING

WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪
♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING
I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪

♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING
I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪
♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME

I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪
♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME
CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪

♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME
CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪
♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE

CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪
♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE
CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE
CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪

CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪
♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪

♪ DROP-DE-DOP-DOP-A-DUM ♪
♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪
♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪

♪ DROP-BE-BOP-A-BUM ♪
♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪
♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DE-DE-DE-DO ♪
♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪

♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪
♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪

♪ DOOT-DE-DO-DO ♪
♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪

♪ RA-DA-DA-DA ♪
♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪
♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪

♪ RUMP-DE-DOP-DUM-BA-DUM ♪
♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DROP-DE-BA-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪

♪ DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪

♪ DUM-DE-DE-DUM ♪
♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪
♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪

♪ ROOT-DE-DE-DA ♪
♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪
♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE

♪ DO-DO-DA-DO ♪
♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE
WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪

♪ IF I EVER LEFT MY HOUSE
WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪
♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING

WITHOUT MY WALKING STICK ♪
♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING
I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪

♪ WELL, IT WOULD BE SOMETHING
I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪
♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME

I COULD NEVER EXPLAIN ♪
♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME
CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪

♪ OH, THE THING THAT MAKES ME
CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪
♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE

CLICK ON LOVERS LANE ♪
♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE
CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪

♪ WOULD GO FOR NAUGHT IF I WERE
CAUGHT WITHOUT MY CANE ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

[FINALE PLAYS]

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Announcer: YOU'RE MOVING...
SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS...

Announcer: YOU'RE MOVING...
SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS...
LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW

SAYING GOODBYE TO OLD FRIENDS...
LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW
ONES.

LOOKING FORWARD TO MAKING NEW
ONES.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A

ONES.
IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A
PLACE YOU LOVE.

IT'S NOT ALWAYS EASY TO LEAVE A
PLACE YOU LOVE.
WE UNDERSTAND.

PLACE YOU LOVE.
WE UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF

WE UNDERSTAND.
THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF
THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST.

THAT'S WHY WE TAKE GOOD CARE OF
THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST.
AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE

THE THINGS YOU CARE FOR MOST.
AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE
BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE
BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT.
WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS

BELIEVE IN DOING THINGS RIGHT.
WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS
TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT

WE TREAT EVERYTHING THAT BELONGS
TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT
BELONGED TO US.

TO YOU JUST AS THOUGH IT
BELONGED TO US.
WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED

BELONGED TO US.
WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED
POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY

WE GIVE YOUR MOST PRIZED
POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY
DESERVE.

POSSESSIONS THE ATTENTION THEY
DESERVE.
AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE

DESERVE.
AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE
HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS

AND WE MAKE SURE YOUR ENTIRE
HOUSEHOLD REACHES ITS
DESTINATION IN ONE PIECE.

AT MIDDLE AMERICAN VAN LINES, WE

DON'T MOVE FURNITURE, WE MOVE

PEOPLE.

AND NOW IT IS MY PLEASURE TO
INTRODUCE TO YOU
MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND

INTRODUCE TO YOU
MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND
MISS JOYCE EVERSON.

MR. HARLAN COLLINS AND
MISS JOYCE EVERSON.
♪ WHEN YOU TURNED

MISS JOYCE EVERSON.
♪ WHEN YOU TURNED
AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪

♪ WHEN YOU TURNED
AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪
♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD,

AND YOU WALKED AWAY ♪
♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD,
BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪

♪ I KNEW YOU WERE GONE FOR GOOD,
BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪
♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE,

BUT IT WAS HARD TO SWALLOW ♪
♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE,
I UNDERSTAND ♪

♪ NOW, MUCH TOO LATE,
I UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN

I UNDERSTAND ♪
♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN
AND FOLLOW ♪

♪ I MISSED MY CHANCE TO BE A MAN
AND FOLLOW ♪
Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

AND FOLLOW ♪
Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

Both: ♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ MONEY DOWN

♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ MONEY DOWN
AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪

♪ MONEY DOWN
AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪
♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER

AND I TOOK MY CHANCE ♪
♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER
OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪

♪ TO STAND IN THE CORNER
OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪
♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪

OR JOIN IN THE DANCE ♪
♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪
♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED

♪ WITH YOU, BABY ♪
♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED
'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪

♪ BUT I SIDESTEPPED
'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪
♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS

'CROSS THE FLOOR ♪
♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS
AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪

♪ I WAS HEADED DOWN THE STEPS
AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

AND OUT THE DOOR AGAIN ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN'

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN'
EVERY NIGHT ♪

♪ AND NOW I'M SITTIN'
EVERY NIGHT ♪
♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT

EVERY NIGHT ♪
♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT
WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪

♪ I WONDER WHERE YOU WENT
WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪
♪ I NEVER REALLY

WITH ALL OF MY LIFE ♪
♪ I NEVER REALLY
MEANT TO FIGHT ♪

♪ I NEVER REALLY
MEANT TO FIGHT ♪
♪ BUT YOU HELD ME

MEANT TO FIGHT ♪
♪ BUT YOU HELD ME
MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪

♪ BUT YOU HELD ME
MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪
♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S

MUCH TOO TIGHT ♪
♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF YOUR PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ WHEN I SPEAK,

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ WHEN I SPEAK,
AN ECHO CALLS ♪

♪ WHEN I SPEAK,
AN ECHO CALLS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE

AN ECHO CALLS ♪
♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE
AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪

♪ IT'S JUST MY LONELY VOICE
AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪
♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪

AGAINST THE FOUR WALLS ♪
♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪
♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪

♪ HE WHO HESITATES STALLS ♪
♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

♪ IT'S HE WHO FAILS AND FALLS ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ NOW, MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪
♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND ♪
♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

♪ THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S

Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪

♪ I SAID THAT MAYBE THAT'S
THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,

THE WAY IT GOES ♪
♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪

♪ IT'S A LONELY HAND,
THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL

THE CARDS THAT I CHOSE ♪
♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪

♪ I WONDER IF THE PAIN STILL
SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪

SHOWS ♪
Both: ♪ HEAVEN ONLY KNOWS ♪
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, FOLKS, THAT'S ALL FOR
TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME

TONIGHT.
WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME
VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY.

WE'RE GOIN' AWAY FOR SOME
VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY.
THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR

VACATION TIME, BUT DON'T WORRY.
THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR
OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE

THEY'RE GONNA RERUN SOME OF OUR
OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE
SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK

OLD SHOWS LATER ON IN THE
SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK
ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER.

SEASON, AND WE'RE GONNA BE BACK
ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER.
UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO

ON JULY 24th WITH LOUISE LASSER.
UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO
SAY...

UNTIL THEN, WE JUST WANT TO
SAY...
All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

SAY...
All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪
COME ON.

♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪
COME ON.
All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

COME ON.
All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪

All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪
♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪
♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪
♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪
EVERYBODY.

♪ TILL WE MEET AGAIN ♪
EVERYBODY.
All: ♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN ♪

♪ HAPPY TRAILS TO YOU ♪

♪ KEEP SMILIN' UNTIL THEN ♪

Announcer: OTHERS IN

TONIGHT'S CAST WERE

CARRIE BARNES, DORIS PAUL,

RONALD RAFORT, AND

AKIRA YOSHIMURA.

THE RACK OF CLOTHING WAS FROM

PLYMOUTH SHOPS.

NEXT SATURDAY, WATCH NBC'S

"WEEKEND" WITH LLOYD DOBYNS.

TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT,

ROBERT KLEIN HOSTS

"SATURDAY NIGHT."

THIS IS DON PARDO, AND I WOULD

RATHER BE AN ANNOUNCER THAN

ANYTHING ELSE IN THE WHOLE WIDE

WORLD, EXCEPT MAYBE A FARMER OR

A COWBOY, AN INDIAN, AN

ASTRONAUT, OR A FOREST RANGER, A

REINDEER, A DRIVING INSTRUCTOR,

OR A HORSEY OR LION TAMER... OR A

TUNA-FISH SANDWICH.

EH, I'LL THINK OF SOMETHING.