Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 17 - Ron Nessen/Patti Smith Group - full transcript

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN, THE DEAD
STRING QUARTET.

[CREAKING]

[NOTE PLAYS]

[CREAKING]
[SQUEAKS]

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
STARRING...

"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
STARRING...
WITH...

COMEDIAN...
AND...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
PRESS SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.

PRESS SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES.
Announcer: LADIES AND

OF THE UNITED STATES.
Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, RON NESSEN.



Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, RON NESSEN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I GUESS A LOT OF YOU ARE
WONDERING WHY THE PRESS

I GUESS A LOT OF YOU ARE
WONDERING WHY THE PRESS
SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENT IS

WONDERING WHY THE PRESS
SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENT IS
ACTING AS THE HOST ON A LIVE

SECRETARY TO THE PRESIDENT IS
ACTING AS THE HOST ON A LIVE
LATE-NIGHT COMEDY SHOW.

ACTING AS THE HOST ON A LIVE
LATE-NIGHT COMEDY SHOW.
WELL, ACTUALLY, THIS IS NOT VERY

LATE-NIGHT COMEDY SHOW.
WELL, ACTUALLY, THIS IS NOT VERY
DIFFERENT FROM MY DAILY PRESS

WELL, ACTUALLY, THIS IS NOT VERY
DIFFERENT FROM MY DAILY PRESS
BRIEFING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.

DIFFERENT FROM MY DAILY PRESS
BRIEFING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T

BRIEFING AT THE WHITE HOUSE.
A LOT OF PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT IS

A LOT OF PEOPLE PROBABLY DON'T
UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
THAT A PRESS SECRETARY DOES.

UNDERSTAND EXACTLY WHAT IT IS
THAT A PRESS SECRETARY DOES.
IT'S MY JOB TO TAKE COMPLICATED,

THAT A PRESS SECRETARY DOES.
IT'S MY JOB TO TAKE COMPLICATED,
HIGH-LEVEL EVENTS AND TAKE THE

IT'S MY JOB TO TAKE COMPLICATED,
HIGH-LEVEL EVENTS AND TAKE THE
JARGON OF POLITICS AND SIMPLIFY



HIGH-LEVEL EVENTS AND TAKE THE
JARGON OF POLITICS AND SIMPLIFY
IT AND TELL IT TO THE PRESS, WHO

JARGON OF POLITICS AND SIMPLIFY
IT AND TELL IT TO THE PRESS, WHO
THEN PASS IT ON TO THE PUBLIC.

IT AND TELL IT TO THE PRESS, WHO
THEN PASS IT ON TO THE PUBLIC.
AND TO DO MY JOB EFFECTIVELY,

THEN PASS IT ON TO THE PUBLIC.
AND TO DO MY JOB EFFECTIVELY,
I'VE LEARNED A FEW PHRASES THAT

AND TO DO MY JOB EFFECTIVELY,
I'VE LEARNED A FEW PHRASES THAT
MAKE THIS JOB EASIER... PHRASES

I'VE LEARNED A FEW PHRASES THAT
MAKE THIS JOB EASIER... PHRASES
LIKE "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY

MAKE THIS JOB EASIER... PHRASES
LIKE "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY
SAID WAS..." OR "WHAT THE

LIKE "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY
SAID WAS..." OR "WHAT THE
PRESIDENT REALLY MEANT WAS..."

SAID WAS..." OR "WHAT THE
PRESIDENT REALLY MEANT WAS..."
OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY

PRESIDENT REALLY MEANT WAS..."
OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY
BUMPED INTO WAS..."

OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT REALLY
BUMPED INTO WAS..."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]

BUMPED INTO WAS..."
[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT

[LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE]
OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT
MISPRONOUNCED WAS..."

OR "WHAT THE PRESIDENT
MISPRONOUNCED WAS..."
THESE ARE SOME PHRASES THAT I'VE

MISPRONOUNCED WAS..."
THESE ARE SOME PHRASES THAT I'VE
USED QUITE A LOT ON THIS JOB.

THESE ARE SOME PHRASES THAT I'VE
USED QUITE A LOT ON THIS JOB.
I DO HAVE, I THINK, A GOOD

USED QUITE A LOT ON THIS JOB.
I DO HAVE, I THINK, A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT,

I DO HAVE, I THINK, A GOOD
RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT,
AND I USUALLY KNOW WHAT HE MEANS

RELATIONSHIP WITH THE PRESIDENT,
AND I USUALLY KNOW WHAT HE MEANS
EVEN BEFORE HE SAYS IT.

AND I USUALLY KNOW WHAT HE MEANS
EVEN BEFORE HE SAYS IT.
IT'S AFTER HE SAYS IT THAT I GET

EVEN BEFORE HE SAYS IT.
IT'S AFTER HE SAYS IT THAT I GET
IN TROUBLE.

IT'S AFTER HE SAYS IT THAT I GET
IN TROUBLE.
IT IS A REWARDING JOB BECAUSE

IN TROUBLE.
IT IS A REWARDING JOB BECAUSE
I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT ASPECTS

IT IS A REWARDING JOB BECAUSE
I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT ASPECTS
OF THE GOVERNMENT THAT I HAD

I'VE LEARNED A LOT ABOUT ASPECTS
OF THE GOVERNMENT THAT I HAD
NEVER CONSIDERED BEFORE, LIKE

OF THE GOVERNMENT THAT I HAD
NEVER CONSIDERED BEFORE, LIKE
HOW TO REMOVE A NECKTIE FROM A

NEVER CONSIDERED BEFORE, LIKE
HOW TO REMOVE A NECKTIE FROM A
HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADE WHILE

HOW TO REMOVE A NECKTIE FROM A
HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADE WHILE
HE'S STILL WEARING IT AND HOW TO

HELICOPTER ROTOR BLADE WHILE
HE'S STILL WEARING IT AND HOW TO
TAKE STAIRS A FLIGHT AT A

HE'S STILL WEARING IT AND HOW TO
TAKE STAIRS A FLIGHT AT A
TIME... THINGS LIKE THAT.

TAKE STAIRS A FLIGHT AT A
TIME... THINGS LIKE THAT.
UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. ZIEGLER.

TIME... THINGS LIKE THAT.
UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. ZIEGLER.
NO, NO, I'M NESSEN.

UH, EXCUSE ME, MR. ZIEGLER.
NO, NO, I'M NESSEN.
OH, I'M SORRY.

NO, NO, I'M NESSEN.
OH, I'M SORRY.
TELEPHONE FOR YOU, SIR.

OH, I'M SORRY.
TELEPHONE FOR YOU, SIR.
IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE.

TELEPHONE FOR YOU, SIR.
IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE.
OH. I THINK HE'S WATCHING.

IT'S THE WHITE HOUSE.
OH. I THINK HE'S WATCHING.
HELLO?

OH. I THINK HE'S WATCHING.
HELLO?
YES, OPERATOR, I'LL ACCEPT THE

HELLO?
YES, OPERATOR, I'LL ACCEPT THE
CHARGES.

YES, OPERATOR, I'LL ACCEPT THE
CHARGES.
YES, MR. PRESIDENT.

CHARGES.
YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW.

YES, MR. PRESIDENT.
YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW.
AND YOU HEARD THE MONOLOGUE.

YOU'RE WATCHING THE SHOW.
AND YOU HEARD THE MONOLOGUE.
AND YOU HAD IT EXPLAINED TO YOU.

AND YOU HEARD THE MONOLOGUE.
AND YOU HAD IT EXPLAINED TO YOU.
BETTY THINKS IT'S FUNNY. GOOD.

AND YOU HAD IT EXPLAINED TO YOU.
BETTY THINKS IT'S FUNNY. GOOD.
I'M FIRED.

BETTY THINKS IT'S FUNNY. GOOD.
I'M FIRED.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I'M FIRED.

I'M FIRED.
I THOUGHT YOU SAID I'M FIRED.
YOU SAID I'M FIRED.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID I'M FIRED.
YOU SAID I'M FIRED.
OKAY, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU SAID I'M FIRED.
OKAY, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
WELL, YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENT

OKAY, THANK YOU, MR. PRESIDENT.
WELL, YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED."

WELL, YOU SEE, THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED."
WELL, I THINK I KNOW HOW HIS

SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED."
WELL, I THINK I KNOW HOW HIS
MIND WORKS, AND I THINK I

WELL, I THINK I KNOW HOW HIS
MIND WORKS, AND I THINK I
UNDERSTAND WHAT HE REALLY THINKS

MIND WORKS, AND I THINK I
UNDERSTAND WHAT HE REALLY THINKS
OF THIS SHOW AND THE THINGS THEY

UNDERSTAND WHAT HE REALLY THINKS
OF THIS SHOW AND THE THINGS THEY
DO AND THE FUN THEY MAKE OF HIM

OF THIS SHOW AND THE THINGS THEY
DO AND THE FUN THEY MAKE OF HIM
AND CHEVY CHASE AND THE OTHER

DO AND THE FUN THEY MAKE OF HIM
AND CHEVY CHASE AND THE OTHER
PEOPLE WHO APPEAR ON IT.

AND CHEVY CHASE AND THE OTHER
PEOPLE WHO APPEAR ON IT.
SO, I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT

PEOPLE WHO APPEAR ON IT.
SO, I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED," WHAT

SO, I THINK WHEN THE PRESIDENT
SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED," WHAT
HE REALLY MEANT WAS, "RON,

SAID, "RON, YOU'RE FIRED," WHAT
HE REALLY MEANT WAS, "RON,
YOU'RE FIRED."

HE REALLY MEANT WAS, "RON,
YOU'RE FIRED."
GOOD NIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.

YOU'RE FIRED."
GOOD NIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS

GOOD NIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

HOW MANY TIMES HAS THIS
HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU HAVE A BASS.

HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU HAVE A BASS.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND AN

YOU HAVE A BASS.
YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND AN
EXCITING, NEW WAY TO PREPARE IT

YOU'RE TRYING TO FIND AN
EXCITING, NEW WAY TO PREPARE IT
FOR DINNER.

EXCITING, NEW WAY TO PREPARE IT
FOR DINNER.
YOU COULD SCALE THE BASS, REMOVE

FOR DINNER.
YOU COULD SCALE THE BASS, REMOVE
THE BASS'S TAIL, HEAD, AND

YOU COULD SCALE THE BASS, REMOVE
THE BASS'S TAIL, HEAD, AND
BONES, AND SERVE THE FISH AS YOU

THE BASS'S TAIL, HEAD, AND
BONES, AND SERVE THE FISH AS YOU
WOULD ANY OTHER FISH DINNER.

BONES, AND SERVE THE FISH AS YOU
WOULD ANY OTHER FISH DINNER.
BUT WHY BOTHER NOW THAT YOU CAN

WOULD ANY OTHER FISH DINNER.
BUT WHY BOTHER NOW THAT YOU CAN
USE ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW KITCHEN

BUT WHY BOTHER NOW THAT YOU CAN
USE ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW KITCHEN
TOOL, THE SUPER BASS-O-MATIC

USE ROVCO'S AMAZING NEW KITCHEN
TOOL, THE SUPER BASS-O-MATIC
'76?

TOOL, THE SUPER BASS-O-MATIC
'76?
YES, FISH EATERS, THE DAYS OF

'76?
YES, FISH EATERS, THE DAYS OF
TROUBLESOME SCALING, CUTTING,

YES, FISH EATERS, THE DAYS OF
TROUBLESOME SCALING, CUTTING,
AND GUTTING ARE OVER BECAUSE

TROUBLESOME SCALING, CUTTING,
AND GUTTING ARE OVER BECAUSE
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 IS THE

AND GUTTING ARE OVER BECAUSE
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 IS THE
TOOL THAT LETS YOU USE THE WHOLE

SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 IS THE
TOOL THAT LETS YOU USE THE WHOLE
BASS WITH NO FISH WASTE, WITHOUT

TOOL THAT LETS YOU USE THE WHOLE
BASS WITH NO FISH WASTE, WITHOUT
SCALING, CUTTING, OR GUTTING.

BASS WITH NO FISH WASTE, WITHOUT
SCALING, CUTTING, OR GUTTING.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... CATCH A

SCALING, CUTTING, OR GUTTING.
HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... CATCH A
BASS, REMOVE THE HOOK, AND DROP

HERE'S HOW IT WORKS... CATCH A
BASS, REMOVE THE HOOK, AND DROP
THE BASS... THAT'S THE WHOLE

BASS, REMOVE THE HOOK, AND DROP
THE BASS... THAT'S THE WHOLE
BASS... INTO THE SUPER

THE BASS... THAT'S THE WHOLE
BASS... INTO THE SUPER
BASS-O-MATIC '76.

BASS... INTO THE SUPER
BASS-O-MATIC '76.
NOW ADJUST THE CONTROL DIAL SO

BASS-O-MATIC '76.
NOW ADJUST THE CONTROL DIAL SO
THAT THAT BASS IS BLENDED JUST

NOW ADJUST THE CONTROL DIAL SO
THAT THAT BASS IS BLENDED JUST
THE WAY YOU LIKE IT.

YES, IT'S JUST THAT SIMPLE.
WOW, THAT'S TERRIFIC BASS!
WE'VE GOT FISH HERE, FAST AND

WOW, THAT'S TERRIFIC BASS!
WE'VE GOT FISH HERE, FAST AND
EASY AND READY TO POUR.

WE'VE GOT FISH HERE, FAST AND
EASY AND READY TO POUR.
BASS-O-MATIC '76 COMES WITH 10

EASY AND READY TO POUR.
BASS-O-MATIC '76 COMES WITH 10
INTERCHANGEABLE ROTORS, A

BASS-O-MATIC '76 COMES WITH 10
INTERCHANGEABLE ROTORS, A
9-MONTH GUARANTEE, AND A

INTERCHANGEABLE ROTORS, A
9-MONTH GUARANTEE, AND A
BOOKLET, "1,001 WAYS TO HARNESS

9-MONTH GUARANTEE, AND A
BOOKLET, "1,001 WAYS TO HARNESS
BASS."

BOOKLET, "1,001 WAYS TO HARNESS
BASS."
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 WORKS

BASS."
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 WORKS
GREAT ON SUNFISH, PERCH, SOLE,

SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76 WORKS
GREAT ON SUNFISH, PERCH, SOLE,
AND OTHER SMALL AQUATIC

GREAT ON SUNFISH, PERCH, SOLE,
AND OTHER SMALL AQUATIC
CREATURES.

AND OTHER SMALL AQUATIC
CREATURES.
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... IT'S

CREATURES.
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... IT'S
CLEAN, SIMPLE, AND AFTER 5 OR 10

SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... IT'S
CLEAN, SIMPLE, AND AFTER 5 OR 10
FISH, IT GETS TO BE QUITE A

CLEAN, SIMPLE, AND AFTER 5 OR 10
FISH, IT GETS TO BE QUITE A
RUSH!

FISH, IT GETS TO BE QUITE A
RUSH!
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... YOU'LL

RUSH!
SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... YOU'LL
NEVER HAVE TO SCALE, CUT, OR GUT

SUPER BASS-O-MATIC '76... YOU'LL
NEVER HAVE TO SCALE, CUT, OR GUT
AGAIN.

NEVER HAVE TO SCALE, CUT, OR GUT
AGAIN.
ORDER AGAIN.

THAT'S PIER 25, NEW YORK,

NEW YORK.

COME ON, BASS-O-MATIC. COME ON.

RON?
I'M RIGHT HERE, SIR.

WHAT CAN I DO FOR YOU, RON?
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I'VE
BEEN ASKED TO BE THE HOST ON

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, I'VE
BEEN ASKED TO BE THE HOST ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

BEEN ASKED TO BE THE HOST ON
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
HOST OF WHAT, RON?

"SATURDAY NIGHT."
HOST OF WHAT, RON?
NO, SIR, THIS IS NBC's

HOST OF WHAT, RON?
NO, SIR, THIS IS NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT."

NO, SIR, THIS IS NBC's
"SATURDAY NIGHT."
IT'S A NEW TELEVISION SHOW.

"SATURDAY NIGHT."
IT'S A NEW TELEVISION SHOW.
AHH.

IT'S A NEW TELEVISION SHOW.
AHH.
DID YOU SIGN A CONTRACT, RON?

AHH.
DID YOU SIGN A CONTRACT, RON?
IF YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT, THEY

DID YOU SIGN A CONTRACT, RON?
IF YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT, THEY
HAVE TO PAY YOU.

IF YOU SIGNED A CONTRACT, THEY
HAVE TO PAY YOU.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, BEFORE I

HAVE TO PAY YOU.
WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, BEFORE I
SIGN A CONTRACT, I NEED YOUR

WELL, MR. PRESIDENT, BEFORE I
SIGN A CONTRACT, I NEED YOUR
APPROVAL BECAUSE, YOU SEE,

SIGN A CONTRACT, I NEED YOUR
APPROVAL BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
SOMETIMES THEY POKE A LITTLE FUN

APPROVAL BECAUSE, YOU SEE,
SOMETIMES THEY POKE A LITTLE FUN
AT YOU ON THE SHOW.

SOMETIMES THEY POKE A LITTLE FUN
AT YOU ON THE SHOW.
IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, AND I

AT YOU ON THE SHOW.
IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, AND I
THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO

IT'S ALL IN GOOD FUN, AND I
THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO
SHOW THAT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE.

THINK IT WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA TO
SHOW THAT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE.
[LAUGHS]

SHOW THAT YOU CAN TAKE A JOKE.
[LAUGHS]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RON.

[LAUGHS]
THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RON.
AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HOST

THAT'S VERY FUNNY, RON.
AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HOST
THIS SHOW... TO DEMONSTRATE THAT

AND THAT'S WHY I WANT TO HOST
THIS SHOW... TO DEMONSTRATE THAT
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS A SENSE

THIS SHOW... TO DEMONSTRATE THAT
THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS A SENSE
OF HUMOR.

THIS ADMINISTRATION HAS A SENSE
OF HUMOR.
YOU MAY REMEMBER IN 1968, NIXON

OF HUMOR.
YOU MAY REMEMBER IN 1968, NIXON
SAID, "SOCK IT TO ME" ON

YOU MAY REMEMBER IN 1968, NIXON
SAID, "SOCK IT TO ME" ON
"LAUGH-IN," AND THAT MAY HAVE

SAID, "SOCK IT TO ME" ON
"LAUGH-IN," AND THAT MAY HAVE
MADE THE DIFFERENCE IN THE

"LAUGH-IN," AND THAT MAY HAVE
MADE THE DIFFERENCE IN THE
ELECTION.

MADE THE DIFFERENCE IN THE
ELECTION.
WELL, HE WON, DIDN'T HE, RON?

ELECTION.
WELL, HE WON, DIDN'T HE, RON?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR, HE DID.

WELL, HE WON, DIDN'T HE, RON?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR, HE DID.
BY GOLLY, HE WAS FUNNY THEN,

YES, SIR. YES, SIR, HE DID.
BY GOLLY, HE WAS FUNNY THEN,
AND HE'S FUNNY NOW.

BY GOLLY, HE WAS FUNNY THEN,
AND HE'S FUNNY NOW.
HE'S A FUNNY MAN, RON.

AND HE'S FUNNY NOW.
HE'S A FUNNY MAN, RON.
YES, SIR.

HE'S A FUNNY MAN, RON.
YES, SIR.
FUNNY MAN.

YES, SIR.
FUNNY MAN.
YES, SIR.

FUNNY MAN.
YES, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I GAVE HIM A

YES, SIR.
THAT'S WHY I GAVE HIM A
BREAK, RON.

THAT'S WHY I GAVE HIM A
BREAK, RON.
STOP THAT INFERNAL NOISE,

BREAK, RON.
STOP THAT INFERNAL NOISE,
LIBERTY.

STOP THAT INFERNAL NOISE,
LIBERTY.
WELL, BY ALL MEANS, DO THE SHOW.

LIBERTY.
WELL, BY ALL MEANS, DO THE SHOW.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,

WELL, BY ALL MEANS, DO THE SHOW.
WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
MR. PRESIDENT.
NOW, THE PRODUCER SUGGESTED THAT

MR. PRESIDENT.
NOW, THE PRODUCER SUGGESTED THAT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO SOMETHING

NOW, THE PRODUCER SUGGESTED THAT
YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO SOMETHING
ON THE SHOW YOURSELF.

YOU MIGHT LIKE TO DO SOMETHING
ON THE SHOW YOURSELF.
WELL, NOW, RON, I CAN TAKE A

ON THE SHOW YOURSELF.
WELL, NOW, RON, I CAN TAKE A
JOKE JUST SO FAR, BUT I WON'T

WELL, NOW, RON, I CAN TAKE A
JOKE JUST SO FAR, BUT I WON'T
HAVE THIS HIGH OFFICE RIDICULED.

JOKE JUST SO FAR, BUT I WON'T
HAVE THIS HIGH OFFICE RIDICULED.
I WON'T BE STUMBLING AROUND,

HAVE THIS HIGH OFFICE RIDICULED.
I WON'T BE STUMBLING AROUND,
FOOLING AROUND, MAKING A FOOL OF

I WON'T BE STUMBLING AROUND,
FOOLING AROUND, MAKING A FOOL OF
MYSELF FOR SOME LATE-NIGHT

FOOLING AROUND, MAKING A FOOL OF
MYSELF FOR SOME LATE-NIGHT
COMEDY SHOW.

MYSELF FOR SOME LATE-NIGHT
COMEDY SHOW.
I DON'T NEED TO PROVE THAT I CAN

COMEDY SHOW.
I DON'T NEED TO PROVE THAT I CAN
FALL DOWN LIKE CHEVY CHASE OR BE

I DON'T NEED TO PROVE THAT I CAN
FALL DOWN LIKE CHEVY CHASE OR BE
AN ATHLETE.

FALL DOWN LIKE CHEVY CHASE OR BE
AN ATHLETE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M AN ATHLETE,

AN ATHLETE.
EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M AN ATHLETE,
RON.

EVERYBODY KNOWS I'M AN ATHLETE,
RON.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THOSE

RON.
I'LL NEVER FORGET THOSE
WONDERFUL DAYS.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THOSE
WONDERFUL DAYS.
BOY, THOSE WERE GOOD ONES.

WONDERFUL DAYS.
BOY, THOSE WERE GOOD ONES.
GIVE ME THE BALL, LIBERTY.

RON?
I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, SIR.
WHY DON'T YOU BRIEF ME ON MY

I'M RIGHT OVER HERE, SIR.
WHY DON'T YOU BRIEF ME ON MY
SCHEDULE TOMORROW?

WHY DON'T YOU BRIEF ME ON MY
SCHEDULE TOMORROW?
ALL RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT,

SCHEDULE TOMORROW?
ALL RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT,
YOU'LL BE AWAKENED AT 5:30 A.M.

ALL RIGHT, MR. PRESIDENT,
YOU'LL BE AWAKENED AT 5:30 A.M.
IN THE USUAL MANNER.

YOU'LL BE AWAKENED AT 5:30 A.M.
IN THE USUAL MANNER.
THE USUAL MANNER.

IN THE USUAL MANNER.
THE USUAL MANNER.
RON, INSTEAD OF SOME SECRET

THE USUAL MANNER.
RON, INSTEAD OF SOME SECRET
SERVICE MAN YELLING IN MY EAR,

RON, INSTEAD OF SOME SECRET
SERVICE MAN YELLING IN MY EAR,
CAN'T SOMEONE JUST SET THE ALARM

SERVICE MAN YELLING IN MY EAR,
CAN'T SOMEONE JUST SET THE ALARM
CLOCK FOR ME?

CAN'T SOMEONE JUST SET THE ALARM
CLOCK FOR ME?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE TRIED THE

CLOCK FOR ME?
WELL, YOU KNOW, WE TRIED THE
ALARM AT THE BEGINNING, SIR, IF

WELL, YOU KNOW, WE TRIED THE
ALARM AT THE BEGINNING, SIR, IF
YOU REMEMBER.

ALARM AT THE BEGINNING, SIR, IF
YOU REMEMBER.
YES.

YOU REMEMBER.
YES.
AND WHEN IT WENT OFF, YOU

YES.
AND WHEN IT WENT OFF, YOU
ANSWERED THE TELEPHONE AND YOU

AND WHEN IT WENT OFF, YOU
ANSWERED THE TELEPHONE AND YOU
BROKE YOUR ANKLE.

ANSWERED THE TELEPHONE AND YOU
BROKE YOUR ANKLE.
I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE BRIEFED

BROKE YOUR ANKLE.
I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE BRIEFED
YOU ON THAT.

I GUESS WE SHOULD HAVE BRIEFED
YOU ON THAT.
YOU SEE, THE TELEPHONE IS THE

YOU ON THAT.
YOU SEE, THE TELEPHONE IS THE
ONE THAT HAS THE SERIES OF

YOU SEE, THE TELEPHONE IS THE
ONE THAT HAS THE SERIES OF
SHORT, STACCATO RINGS, AND THE

ONE THAT HAS THE SERIES OF
SHORT, STACCATO RINGS, AND THE
ALARM CLOCK IS THE LONG,

SHORT, STACCATO RINGS, AND THE
ALARM CLOCK IS THE LONG,
CONTINUOUS RING.

ALARM CLOCK IS THE LONG,
CONTINUOUS RING.
RON?

CONTINUOUS RING.
RON?
I'M RIGHT HERE.

RON?
I'M RIGHT HERE.
HERE I AM, SIR.

I'M RIGHT HERE.
HERE I AM, SIR.
YOU'RE LATE AGAIN.

HERE I AM, SIR.
YOU'RE LATE AGAIN.
I'M SORRY, SIR.

YOU'RE LATE AGAIN.
I'M SORRY, SIR.
SHALL I GO ON NOW WITH YOUR

I'M SORRY, SIR.
SHALL I GO ON NOW WITH YOUR
BRIEFING?

SHALL I GO ON NOW WITH YOUR
BRIEFING?
YES, PLEASE GO ON.

BRIEFING?
YES, PLEASE GO ON.
ALL RIGHT.

YES, PLEASE GO ON.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, RON.

ALL RIGHT.
I'M SORRY, RON.
ALL RIGHT.

I'M SORRY, RON.
ALL RIGHT.
AT 6:17, YOU SHAVE AND BRUSH

ALL RIGHT.
AT 6:17, YOU SHAVE AND BRUSH
YOUR TEETH.

AT 6:17, YOU SHAVE AND BRUSH
YOUR TEETH.
YES.

YOUR TEETH.
YES.
AND AT 6:28, YAWN AND

YES.
AND AT 6:28, YAWN AND
STRETCH.

AND AT 6:28, YAWN AND
STRETCH.
6:30, YOU GET OUT OF BED.

STRETCH.
6:30, YOU GET OUT OF BED.
MM-HMM.

6:30, YOU GET OUT OF BED.
MM-HMM.
7:05, YOU BREAK THE WATER

MM-HMM.
7:05, YOU BREAK THE WATER
GLASS BESIDE THE SINK AND

7:05, YOU BREAK THE WATER
GLASS BESIDE THE SINK AND
MRS. FORD'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE BY

GLASS BESIDE THE SINK AND
MRS. FORD'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE BY
MISTAKE.

MRS. FORD'S SHAMPOO BOTTLE BY
MISTAKE.
THEN AT 7:12, YOU TUMBLE DOWN

MISTAKE.
THEN AT 7:12, YOU TUMBLE DOWN
THE STAIRS.

THEN AT 7:12, YOU TUMBLE DOWN
THE STAIRS.
AT 9:00... WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER

THE STAIRS.
AT 9:00... WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT INCIDENT WITH THE COW IN

AT 9:00... WELL, DO YOU REMEMBER
THAT INCIDENT WITH THE COW IN
WISCONSIN, MR. PRESIDENT?

THAT INCIDENT WITH THE COW IN
WISCONSIN, MR. PRESIDENT?
OH, THE ONE THAT MADE THE

WISCONSIN, MR. PRESIDENT?
OH, THE ONE THAT MADE THE
DOODY ON MY SUIT, RON?

OH, THE ONE THAT MADE THE
DOODY ON MY SUIT, RON?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR.

DOODY ON MY SUIT, RON?
YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
THAT'S THE ONE.

YES, SIR. YES, SIR.
THAT'S THE ONE.
WELL, AT 9:00, YOU'RE GOING TO

THAT'S THE ONE.
WELL, AT 9:00, YOU'RE GOING TO
GIVE A MEDAL TO THE SECRET

WELL, AT 9:00, YOU'RE GOING TO
GIVE A MEDAL TO THE SECRET
SERVICE AGENT WHO WRESTLED THE

GIVE A MEDAL TO THE SECRET
SERVICE AGENT WHO WRESTLED THE
COW TO THE GROUND.

SERVICE AGENT WHO WRESTLED THE
COW TO THE GROUND.
RON, LET'S GET TO THE POINT

COW TO THE GROUND.
RON, LET'S GET TO THE POINT
HERE.

RON, LET'S GET TO THE POINT
HERE.
WHEN IS THE EASTER EGG HUNT?

HERE.
WHEN IS THE EASTER EGG HUNT?
THAT'S AT 9:30, SIR.

WHEN IS THE EASTER EGG HUNT?
THAT'S AT 9:30, SIR.
WELL, I BETTER HANG THE KIDS'

THAT'S AT 9:30, SIR.
WELL, I BETTER HANG THE KIDS'
STOCKINGS, THEN, AND GET READY.

WELL, I BETTER HANG THE KIDS'
STOCKINGS, THEN, AND GET READY.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M SORRY, BUT

STOCKINGS, THEN, AND GET READY.
MR. PRESIDENT, I'M SORRY, BUT
THAT'S THE WRONG HOLIDAY.

MR. PRESIDENT, I'M SORRY, BUT
THAT'S THE WRONG HOLIDAY.
I THINK WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE

THAT'S THE WRONG HOLIDAY.
I THINK WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
BRIEFED YOU ON THIS BEFORE.

I THINK WE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE
BRIEFED YOU ON THIS BEFORE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, RON.

BRIEFED YOU ON THIS BEFORE.
OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, RON.
YOU'RE PARDONED.

OH, THAT'S ALL RIGHT, RON.
YOU'RE PARDONED.
[LAUGHS]

YOU'RE PARDONED.
[LAUGHS]
UH-OH. WHOOP.

[LAUGHS]
UH-OH. WHOOP.
NO, NO, IT'S NO PROBLEM.

UH-OH. WHOOP.
NO, NO, IT'S NO PROBLEM.
ONE OTHER THING, RON.

NO, NO, IT'S NO PROBLEM.
ONE OTHER THING, RON.
YES?

ONE OTHER THING, RON.
YES?
AS YOU KNOW, LIBERTY IS

YES?
AS YOU KNOW, LIBERTY IS
EXPECTING PUPPIES.

AS YOU KNOW, LIBERTY IS
EXPECTING PUPPIES.
NOW, I'VE LAUNCHED A FULL-SCALE

EXPECTING PUPPIES.
NOW, I'VE LAUNCHED A FULL-SCALE
INVESTIGATION INTO THIS THING.

NOW, I'VE LAUNCHED A FULL-SCALE
INVESTIGATION INTO THIS THING.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH

INVESTIGATION INTO THIS THING.
YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
THIS, DO YOU, RON?

YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH
THIS, DO YOU, RON?
NO, SIR.

THIS, DO YOU, RON?
NO, SIR.
SHE'S NOT MY TYPE AT ALL.

NO, SIR.
SHE'S NOT MY TYPE AT ALL.
THAT'S GOOD.

SHE'S NOT MY TYPE AT ALL.
THAT'S GOOD.
I KNOW IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP,

THAT'S GOOD.
I KNOW IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP,
RON, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE THIS TYPE

I KNOW IT'S LONELY AT THE TOP,
RON, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE THIS TYPE
OF SHENANIGANS GOING ON AT THE

RON, BUT WE CAN'T HAVE THIS TYPE
OF SHENANIGANS GOING ON AT THE
WHITE HOUSE.

OF SHENANIGANS GOING ON AT THE
WHITE HOUSE.
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL

WHITE HOUSE.
MAYBE I SHOULD CALL
DANIEL SCHORR TO SEE WHAT HE

MAYBE I SHOULD CALL
DANIEL SCHORR TO SEE WHAT HE
KNOWS.

DANIEL SCHORR TO SEE WHAT HE
KNOWS.
UH-OH.

KNOWS.
UH-OH.
YOU STAPLED YOUR EAR.

UH-OH.
YOU STAPLED YOUR EAR.
LET ME GET IT OFF.

YOU STAPLED YOUR EAR.
LET ME GET IT OFF.
THERE YOU ARE.

LET ME GET IT OFF.
THERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU, RON.

THERE YOU ARE.
THANK YOU, RON.
THERE WE ARE.

THANK YOU, RON.
THERE WE ARE.
THEY OUGHT TO PUT A TELEPHONE

THERE WE ARE.
THEY OUGHT TO PUT A TELEPHONE
IN HERE.

THEY OUGHT TO PUT A TELEPHONE
IN HERE.
RON...

IN HERE.
RON...
WHAT CAN WE TELL THE PRESS ABOUT

RON...
WHAT CAN WE TELL THE PRESS ABOUT
THIS MESS THAT LIBERTY HAS

WHAT CAN WE TELL THE PRESS ABOUT
THIS MESS THAT LIBERTY HAS
GOTTEN US INTO?

THIS MESS THAT LIBERTY HAS
GOTTEN US INTO?
WELL, ONE THING I WAS

GOTTEN US INTO?
WELL, ONE THING I WAS
THINKING OF IS THAT WE COULD

WELL, ONE THING I WAS
THINKING OF IS THAT WE COULD
CALL THE PUPPIES OUR ETHNIC

THINKING OF IS THAT WE COULD
CALL THE PUPPIES OUR ETHNIC
TREASURES.

CALL THE PUPPIES OUR ETHNIC
TREASURES.
WHY, THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA,

TREASURES.
WHY, THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA,
RON.

WHY, THAT'S A VERY GOOD IDEA,
RON.
I THINK I'LL WRITE THAT DOWN.

RON.
I THINK I'LL WRITE THAT DOWN.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE SIGNING

I THINK I'LL WRITE THAT DOWN.
MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE SIGNING
YOUR HAND AGAIN.

MR. PRESIDENT, YOU'RE SIGNING
YOUR HAND AGAIN.
WELL, I CAN ALWAYS VETO IT

YOUR HAND AGAIN.
WELL, I CAN ALWAYS VETO IT
LATER, RON.

WELL, I CAN ALWAYS VETO IT
LATER, RON.
WELL, NOW, WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF

LATER, RON.
WELL, NOW, WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF
THESE THINGS FOR ME?

WELL, NOW, WILL YOU TAKE CARE OF
THESE THINGS FOR ME?
YES, SIR.

THESE THINGS FOR ME?
YES, SIR.
I'LL GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY.

YES, SIR.
I'LL GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY.
GOOD, RON. THANK YOU.

I'LL GET ON THAT RIGHT AWAY.
GOOD, RON. THANK YOU.
OH, THERE WAS JUST ONE OTHER

GOOD, RON. THANK YOU.
OH, THERE WAS JUST ONE OTHER
THING NOW.

OH, THERE WAS JUST ONE OTHER
THING NOW.
REMEMBER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS?

THING NOW.
REMEMBER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS?
NO CHEWING GUM.

REMEMBER THE DOCTOR'S ORDERS?
NO CHEWING GUM.
RON, I...

NO CHEWING GUM.
RON, I...
ROLL OVER, LIBERTY.

AND SO WITH A NAME LIKE
FLUCKER'S, IT'S GOT TO BE GOOD.
HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND.

FLUCKER'S, IT'S GOT TO BE GOOD.
HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND.
I HAVE A JAM HERE CALLED NOSE

HEY, HOLD ON A SECOND.
I HAVE A JAM HERE CALLED NOSE
HAIR.

I HAVE A JAM HERE CALLED NOSE
HAIR.
NOW, WITH A NAME LIKE NOSE HAIR,

HAIR.
NOW, WITH A NAME LIKE NOSE HAIR,
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW GOOD IT MUST

NOW, WITH A NAME LIKE NOSE HAIR,
YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW GOOD IT MUST
BE.

YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW GOOD IT MUST
BE.
MM-MMM!

BE.
MM-MMM!
HOLD IT A MINUTE, FOLKS, BUT

MM-MMM!
HOLD IT A MINUTE, FOLKS, BUT
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH A JAM

HOLD IT A MINUTE, FOLKS, BUT
ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH A JAM
CALLED DEATH CAMP?

ARE YOU FAMILIAR WITH A JAM
CALLED DEATH CAMP?
THAT'S DEATH CAMP.

CALLED DEATH CAMP?
THAT'S DEATH CAMP.
JUST LOOK FOR THE BARBED WIRE ON

THAT'S DEATH CAMP.
JUST LOOK FOR THE BARBED WIRE ON
THE LABEL.

JUST LOOK FOR THE BARBED WIRE ON
THE LABEL.
WITH A NAME LIKE DEATH CAMP, IT

THE LABEL.
WITH A NAME LIKE DEATH CAMP, IT
MUST BE SO GOOD, IT'S

WITH A NAME LIKE DEATH CAMP, IT
MUST BE SO GOOD, IT'S
INCREDIBLE... JUST AMAZINGLY

MUST BE SO GOOD, IT'S
INCREDIBLE... JUST AMAZINGLY
GOOD JAM.

INCREDIBLE... JUST AMAZINGLY
GOOD JAM.
WAIT A MINUTE.

GOOD JAM.
WAIT A MINUTE.
DOG VOMIT, MONKEY PUS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
DOG VOMIT, MONKEY PUS.
WE OFFER YOU A CHOICE OF TWO OF

DOG VOMIT, MONKEY PUS.
WE OFFER YOU A CHOICE OF TWO OF
THE MOST REPULSIVE BRAND NAMES

WE OFFER YOU A CHOICE OF TWO OF
THE MOST REPULSIVE BRAND NAMES
OF JAMS YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF.

THE MOST REPULSIVE BRAND NAMES
OF JAMS YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF.
WITH NAMES LIKE THESE, THIS

OF JAMS YOU'VE EVER HEARD OF.
WITH NAMES LIKE THESE, THIS
STUFF HAS GOT TO BE TERRIFIC.

WITH NAMES LIKE THESE, THIS
STUFF HAS GOT TO BE TERRIFIC.
WE'RE TALKING FABULOUS JAM HERE.

STUFF HAS GOT TO BE TERRIFIC.
WE'RE TALKING FABULOUS JAM HERE.
SAVE YOUR BREATH, FELLA.

WE'RE TALKING FABULOUS JAM HERE.
SAVE YOUR BREATH, FELLA.
HERE'S A NEW JAM WE'VE JUST PUT

SAVE YOUR BREATH, FELLA.
HERE'S A NEW JAM WE'VE JUST PUT
OUT.

HERE'S A NEW JAM WE'VE JUST PUT
OUT.
IT'S CALLED PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH.

OUT.
IT'S CALLED PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH.
YOU'D HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY TO

IT'S CALLED PAINFUL RECTAL ITCH.
YOU'D HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY TO
FIND A WORSE NAME FOR A JAM.

YOU'D HAVE TO GO A LONG WAY TO
FIND A WORSE NAME FOR A JAM.
AND GOOD? M-M-M-MWAH!

FIND A WORSE NAME FOR A JAM.
AND GOOD? M-M-M-MWAH!
WITH A NAME LIKE PAINFUL RECTAL

AND GOOD? M-M-M-MWAH!
WITH A NAME LIKE PAINFUL RECTAL
ITCH, YOU GOT TO BET THAT IT'S

WITH A NAME LIKE PAINFUL RECTAL
ITCH, YOU GOT TO BET THAT IT'S
GREAT.

ITCH, YOU GOT TO BET THAT IT'S
GREAT.
MANGLED BABY DUCKS.

GREAT.
MANGLED BABY DUCKS.
THAT'S RIGHT, MANGLED BABY

MANGLED BABY DUCKS.
THAT'S RIGHT, MANGLED BABY
DUCKS.

THAT'S RIGHT, MANGLED BABY
DUCKS.
PICTURE A JAM SO GOOD THAT YOU'D

DUCKS.
PICTURE A JAM SO GOOD THAT YOU'D
DARE TO CALL IT MANGLED BABY

PICTURE A JAM SO GOOD THAT YOU'D
DARE TO CALL IT MANGLED BABY
DUCKS.

DARE TO CALL IT MANGLED BABY
DUCKS.
GREAT JAM! IT'S BEAUTIFUL JAM!

DUCKS.
GREAT JAM! IT'S BEAUTIFUL JAM!
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

GREAT JAM! IT'S BEAUTIFUL JAM!
WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS IT. I'VE GOT IT.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.
THIS IS IT. I'VE GOT IT.
I'VE GOT IT. THIS IT IS.

THIS IS IT. I'VE GOT IT.
I'VE GOT IT. THIS IT IS.
HERE IT IS.

I'VE GOT IT. THIS IT IS.
HERE IT IS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS.

HERE IT IS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS?

10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS?
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?

10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS?
WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?
THEY WERE ALL EATEN BY RATS.

WHAT'S SO BAD ABOUT THAT?
THEY WERE ALL EATEN BY RATS.
DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.

THEY WERE ALL EATEN BY RATS.
DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS ALL

DELICIOUS. DELICIOUS.
10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS ALL
EATEN BY RATS JAM.

10,000 NUNS AND ORPHANS ALL
EATEN BY RATS JAM.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD.

EATEN BY RATS JAM.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.

OH, IT'S SO GOOD.
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
EVERYONE, YOUR ATTENTION,

HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
EVERYONE, YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE.

EVERYONE, YOUR ATTENTION,
PLEASE.
I HAVE HERE A JAM CALLED...

PLEASE.
I HAVE HERE A JAM CALLED...
OH, GOD.

I HAVE HERE A JAM CALLED...
OH, GOD.
IT'S SO GOOD, IT'S

OH, GOD.
IT'S SO GOOD, IT'S
SICK-MAKING!

IT'S SO GOOD, IT'S
SICK-MAKING!
OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE GREAT

SICK-MAKING!
OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE GREAT
JAM.

OH, THAT'S GOT TO BE GREAT
JAM.
SO, IF IT'S GREAT JAM YOU'RE

JAM.
SO, IF IT'S GREAT JAM YOU'RE
AFTER, TRY THIS ONE, THE BRAND

SO, IF IT'S GREAT JAM YOU'RE
AFTER, TRY THIS ONE, THE BRAND
SO DISGUSTING YOU CAN'T SAY IT

AFTER, TRY THIS ONE, THE BRAND
SO DISGUSTING YOU CAN'T SAY IT
ON TELEVISION.

SO DISGUSTING YOU CAN'T SAY IT
ON TELEVISION.
ASK FOR IT BY NAME.

A SPECIAL TREAT FOR ME
TONIGHT, AND I THINK FOR YOU,
TOO, IS THE PATTI SMITH GROUP.

TONIGHT, AND I THINK FOR YOU,
TOO, IS THE PATTI SMITH GROUP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

TOO, IS THE PATTI SMITH GROUP.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "GLORIA" PLAYS]

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "GLORIA" PLAYS]
♪ JESUS DIED FOR SOMEBODY'S

[INTRO TO "GLORIA" PLAYS]
♪ JESUS DIED FOR SOMEBODY'S
SINS, BUT NOT MINE ♪

♪ JESUS DIED FOR SOMEBODY'S
SINS, BUT NOT MINE ♪
♪ MELTIN' IN A POT OF THIEVES ♪

SINS, BUT NOT MINE ♪
♪ MELTIN' IN A POT OF THIEVES ♪
♪ WILD CARD UP MY SLEEVE ♪

♪ MELTIN' IN A POT OF THIEVES ♪
♪ WILD CARD UP MY SLEEVE ♪
♪ THICK HEART OF STONE ♪

♪ WILD CARD UP MY SLEEVE ♪
♪ THICK HEART OF STONE ♪
♪ MY SINS MY OWN ♪

♪ THICK HEART OF STONE ♪
♪ MY SINS MY OWN ♪
♪ THEY BELONG TO ME ♪

♪ MY SINS MY OWN ♪
♪ THEY BELONG TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪

♪ THEY BELONG TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪
♪ PEOPLE SAY, "BEWARE!" ♪

♪ ME ♪
♪ PEOPLE SAY, "BEWARE!" ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T CARE ♪

♪ PEOPLE SAY, "BEWARE!" ♪
♪ BUT I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ THE WORDS ARE JUST RULES AND

♪ BUT I DON'T CARE ♪
♪ THE WORDS ARE JUST RULES AND
REGULATIONS TO ME ♪

♪ THE WORDS ARE JUST RULES AND
REGULATIONS TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪

REGULATIONS TO ME ♪
♪ ME ♪
♪ I-I WALK IN A ROOM ♪

♪ ME ♪
♪ I-I WALK IN A ROOM ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I LOOK SO PROUD ♪

♪ I-I WALK IN A ROOM ♪
♪ YOU KNOW I LOOK SO PROUD ♪
♪ I'M MOVIN' IN THIS HERE

♪ YOU KNOW I LOOK SO PROUD ♪
♪ I'M MOVIN' IN THIS HERE
ATMOSPHERE ♪

♪ I'M MOVIN' IN THIS HERE
ATMOSPHERE ♪
♪ WELL, ANYTHING'S ALLOWED ♪

ATMOSPHERE ♪
♪ WELL, ANYTHING'S ALLOWED ♪
♪ AND I GO TO THIS HERE PARTY ♪

♪ WELL, ANYTHING'S ALLOWED ♪
♪ AND I GO TO THIS HERE PARTY ♪
♪ BUT I JUST GET BORED ♪

♪ AND I GO TO THIS HERE PARTY ♪
♪ BUT I JUST GET BORED ♪
♪ TILL I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,

♪ BUT I JUST GET BORED ♪
♪ TILL I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,
SEE A SWEET YOUNG THING ♪

♪ TILL I LOOK OUT THE WINDOW,
SEE A SWEET YOUNG THING ♪
♪ HUMPIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪

SEE A SWEET YOUNG THING ♪
♪ HUMPIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪
♪ LEANIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪

♪ HUMPIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪
♪ LEANIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪

♪ LEANIN' ON THE PARKING METER ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪

♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING

♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER

♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER
MINE ♪

THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER
MINE ♪
♪ OH, I'LL PUT MY SPELL ON HER ♪

MINE ♪
♪ OH, I'LL PUT MY SPELL ON HER ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪

♪ OH, I'LL PUT MY SPELL ON HER ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET ♪

♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪

♪ WALKIN' DOWN THE STREET ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR ♪

♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪

♪ COMIN' THROUGH THE DOOR ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ CRAWLIN' UP THE STAIR ♪

♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ CRAWLIN' UP THE STAIR ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪

♪ CRAWLIN' UP THE STAIR ♪
♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ WALTZIN' THROUGH THE HALL ♪

♪ HERE SHE COMES ♪
♪ WALTZIN' THROUGH THE HALL ♪
♪ IN A PRETTY RED DRESS ♪

♪ WALTZIN' THROUGH THE HALL ♪
♪ IN A PRETTY RED DRESS ♪
♪ AND, OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪

♪ IN A PRETTY RED DRESS ♪
♪ AND, OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪

♪ AND, OH, SHE LOOKS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING

♪ OH, SHE LOOKS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER

♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER
MINE ♪

THAT I'M GONNA, UH-UH, MAKE HER
MINE ♪
♪ OH, I HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY

MINE ♪
♪ OH, I HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY
DOOR ♪

♪ OH, I HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY
DOOR ♪
♪ HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY

DOOR ♪
♪ HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY
DOOR ♪

♪ HEAR THIS KNOCKIN' ON MY
DOOR ♪
♪ AND I LOOK UP INTO THE BIG

DOOR ♪
♪ AND I LOOK UP INTO THE BIG
TOWER CLOCK AND SAY, "OH, MY

♪ AND I LOOK UP INTO THE BIG
TOWER CLOCK AND SAY, "OH, MY
GOD, IT'S MIDNIGHT!" ♪

TOWER CLOCK AND SAY, "OH, MY
GOD, IT'S MIDNIGHT!" ♪
♪ AND MY BABY IS WALKIN' THROUGH

GOD, IT'S MIDNIGHT!" ♪
♪ AND MY BABY IS WALKIN' THROUGH
THE DOOR ♪

♪ AND MY BABY IS WALKIN' THROUGH
THE DOOR ♪
♪ LEANIN' ON MY COUCH,

THE DOOR ♪
♪ LEANIN' ON MY COUCH,
SHE WHISPERS TO ME ♪

♪ LEANIN' ON MY COUCH,
SHE WHISPERS TO ME ♪
♪ AND I TAKE THE BIG PLUNGE ♪

SHE WHISPERS TO ME ♪
♪ AND I TAKE THE BIG PLUNGE ♪
♪ AND, OH, SHE IS SO GOOD ♪

♪ AND I TAKE THE BIG PLUNGE ♪
♪ AND, OH, SHE IS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE IS SO FINE ♪

♪ AND, OH, SHE IS SO GOOD ♪
♪ OH, SHE IS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING

♪ OH, SHE IS SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I JUST, UH-UH, MADE HER

♪ AND I GOT THIS CRAZY FEELING
THAT I JUST, UH-UH, MADE HER
MINE ♪

THAT I JUST, UH-UH, MADE HER
MINE ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "DARLING, TELL ME

MINE ♪
♪ AND I SAID, "DARLING, TELL ME
YOUR NAME" ♪

♪ AND I SAID, "DARLING, TELL ME
YOUR NAME" ♪
♪ "TELL ME YOUR NAME" ♪

YOUR NAME" ♪
♪ "TELL ME YOUR NAME" ♪
♪ SHE WHISPERED TO ME ♪

♪ "TELL ME YOUR NAME" ♪
♪ SHE WHISPERED TO ME ♪
♪ SHE TOLD ME HER NAME ♪

♪ SHE WHISPERED TO ME ♪
♪ SHE TOLD ME HER NAME ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪

♪ SHE TOLD ME HER NAME ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪

♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪

♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪

♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ "G" ♪

♪ AND HER NAME IS ♪
♪ "G" ♪
♪ "L" ♪

♪ "G" ♪
♪ "L" ♪
♪ "O" ♪

♪ "L" ♪
♪ "O" ♪
♪ "R" ♪

♪ "O" ♪
♪ "R" ♪
♪ I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I ♪

♪ "R" ♪
♪ I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ I WAS AT THE STADIUM ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ I WAS AT THE STADIUM ♪
♪ OOH, 20,000 GIRLS CALLED THEIR

♪ I WAS AT THE STADIUM ♪
♪ OOH, 20,000 GIRLS CALLED THEIR
NAME OUT TO ME ♪

♪ OOH, 20,000 GIRLS CALLED THEIR
NAME OUT TO ME ♪
♪ MARIE AND RUTH, BUT TO TELL

NAME OUT TO ME ♪
♪ MARIE AND RUTH, BUT TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH ♪

♪ MARIE AND RUTH, BUT TO TELL
YOU THE TRUTH ♪
♪ I DIDN'T HEAR THEM ♪

YOU THE TRUTH ♪
♪ I DIDN'T HEAR THEM ♪
♪ I DIDN'T SEE ♪

♪ I DIDN'T HEAR THEM ♪
♪ I DIDN'T SEE ♪
♪ I LET MY EYES RISE TO THE BIG

♪ I DIDN'T SEE ♪
♪ I LET MY EYES RISE TO THE BIG
TOWER CLOCK ♪

♪ I LET MY EYES RISE TO THE BIG
TOWER CLOCK ♪
♪ AND I HEARD THOSE BELLS

TOWER CLOCK ♪
♪ AND I HEARD THOSE BELLS
CHIMIN' IN MY HEART ♪

♪ AND I HEARD THOSE BELLS
CHIMIN' IN MY HEART ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪

CHIMIN' IN MY HEART ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪

♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪

♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪

♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ COUNTING THE TIME ♪

♪ DING-DONG, DING-DONG ♪
♪ COUNTING THE TIME ♪
♪ WHEN YOU CAME TO MY ROOM ♪

♪ COUNTING THE TIME ♪
♪ WHEN YOU CAME TO MY ROOM ♪
♪ AND YOU WHISPERED TO ME ♪

♪ WHEN YOU CAME TO MY ROOM ♪
♪ AND YOU WHISPERED TO ME ♪
♪ AND I TOOK THE BIG PLUNGE ♪

♪ AND YOU WHISPERED TO ME ♪
♪ AND I TOOK THE BIG PLUNGE ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE SO GOOD ♪

♪ AND I TOOK THE BIG PLUNGE ♪
♪ AND YOU WERE SO GOOD ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, YOU WERE SO FINE ♪

♪ AND YOU WERE SO GOOD ♪
♪ OOH, OOH, YOU WERE SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT TO TELL THE WORLD

♪ OOH, OOH, YOU WERE SO FINE ♪
♪ AND I GOT TO TELL THE WORLD
THAT I MAKE HER MINE ♪

♪ AND I GOT TO TELL THE WORLD
THAT I MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪

THAT I MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪

♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE ♪

♪ MAKE HER MINE, MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ MAKE HER MINE ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ AND THE TOWER BELLS CHIME ♪

♪ GLORIA ♪
♪ AND THE TOWER BELLS CHIME ♪
♪ "DING-DONG," THEY CHIME ♪

♪ AND THE TOWER BELLS CHIME ♪
♪ "DING-DONG," THEY CHIME ♪
♪ I SAY THAT JESUS DIED FOR

♪ "DING-DONG," THEY CHIME ♪
♪ I SAY THAT JESUS DIED FOR
SOMEBODY'S SINS ♪

♪ I SAY THAT JESUS DIED FOR
SOMEBODY'S SINS ♪
♪ BUT NOT MINE ♪

SOMEBODY'S SINS ♪
♪ BUT NOT MINE ♪
HAPPY EASTER, CBGBs.

♪ BUT NOT MINE ♪
HAPPY EASTER, CBGBs.
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪

HAPPY EASTER, CBGBs.
♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪

♪ G-L-O-R-I-A ♪
♪ GLORIA ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW
LEONID PUSHNEV, PRESS SECRETARY
FOR CZARINA CATHERINE THE GREAT.

LEONID PUSHNEV, PRESS SECRETARY
FOR CZARINA CATHERINE THE GREAT.
COMRADES OF THE PRESS, I HAVE

FOR CZARINA CATHERINE THE GREAT.
COMRADES OF THE PRESS, I HAVE
A TRAGIC ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

COMRADES OF THE PRESS, I HAVE
A TRAGIC ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
CATHERINE THE GREAT, HER

A TRAGIC ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.
CATHERINE THE GREAT, HER
IMPERIAL HIGHNESS, QUEEN OF ALL

CATHERINE THE GREAT, HER
IMPERIAL HIGHNESS, QUEEN OF ALL
RUSSIA... CATHERINE THE GREAT

IMPERIAL HIGHNESS, QUEEN OF ALL
RUSSIA... CATHERINE THE GREAT
HAS BEEN KILLED IN A RIDING

RUSSIA... CATHERINE THE GREAT
HAS BEEN KILLED IN A RIDING
ACCIDENT.

HAS BEEN KILLED IN A RIDING
ACCIDENT.
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER

ACCIDENT.
WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER
DETAILS EXCEPT THAT SHE DIED IN

WE REALLY DON'T HAVE ANY OTHER
DETAILS EXCEPT THAT SHE DIED IN
THE SADDLE AND FROM NOW ON WILL

DETAILS EXCEPT THAT SHE DIED IN
THE SADDLE AND FROM NOW ON WILL
BE REFERRED TO AS CATHERINE THE

THE SADDLE AND FROM NOW ON WILL
BE REFERRED TO AS CATHERINE THE
MASHED.

BE REFERRED TO AS CATHERINE THE
MASHED.
THANK YOU.

ALL RIGHT, DAVID, ARE YOU
READY TO GET STARTED?
YES, I'M READY TO GET

READY TO GET STARTED?
YES, I'M READY TO GET
STARTED.

YES, I'M READY TO GET
STARTED.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, IS IT TRUE

STARTED.
ALL RIGHT, NOW, IS IT TRUE
THAT YOUR NAME IS

ALL RIGHT, NOW, IS IT TRUE
THAT YOUR NAME IS
DAVID EISENHOWER?

THAT YOUR NAME IS
DAVID EISENHOWER?
JULIE, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST

DAVID EISENHOWER?
JULIE, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
TRUST ME?

JULIE, WHY CAN'T YOU JUST
TRUST ME?
WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE A

TRUST ME?
WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE A
LIE-DETECTOR TEST?

WHY DO I HAVE TO TAKE A
LIE-DETECTOR TEST?
WHY COULDN'T I JUST...

LIE-DETECTOR TEST?
WHY COULDN'T I JUST...
DAVID, JUST ANSWER "YES" OR

WHY COULDN'T I JUST...
DAVID, JUST ANSWER "YES" OR
"NO."

DAVID, JUST ANSWER "YES" OR
"NO."
YES, MY NAME IS

"NO."
YES, MY NAME IS
DAVID EISENHOWER.

YES, MY NAME IS
DAVID EISENHOWER.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE 29

DAVID EISENHOWER.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE 29
YEARS OLD?

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE 29
YEARS OLD?
YES.

YEARS OLD?
YES.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE THE

YES.
IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE THE
SON-IN-LAW OF RICHARD NIXON?

IS IT TRUE THAT YOU'RE THE
SON-IN-LAW OF RICHARD NIXON?
YES.

SON-IN-LAW OF RICHARD NIXON?
YES.
AND IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WERE

YES.
AND IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WERE
PRIVY TO A LOT OF FAMILY SECRETS

AND IS IT TRUE THAT YOU WERE
PRIVY TO A LOT OF FAMILY SECRETS
DURING MY FATHER'S TERM IN

PRIVY TO A LOT OF FAMILY SECRETS
DURING MY FATHER'S TERM IN
OFFICE?

DURING MY FATHER'S TERM IN
OFFICE?
WELL, SURE, BUT I...

OFFICE?
WELL, SURE, BUT I...
DO YOU KNOW BOB WOODWARD AND

WELL, SURE, BUT I...
DO YOU KNOW BOB WOODWARD AND
CARL BERNSTEIN OF THE

DO YOU KNOW BOB WOODWARD AND
CARL BERNSTEIN OF THE
WASHINGTON POST?

CARL BERNSTEIN OF THE
WASHINGTON POST?
YEAH, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF

WASHINGTON POST?
YEAH, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF
REPORTERS.

YEAH, BUT I KNOW A LOT OF
REPORTERS.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT

REPORTERS.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DADDY WAS GOING BANANAS?

DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DADDY WAS GOING BANANAS?
NO.

DADDY WAS GOING BANANAS?
NO.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT

NO.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DAD USED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO

DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DAD USED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO
THE PORTRAITS HANGING IN THE

DAD USED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT TO
THE PORTRAITS HANGING IN THE
WHITE HOUSE?

THE PORTRAITS HANGING IN THE
WHITE HOUSE?
DID HE DO THAT?

WHITE HOUSE?
DID HE DO THAT?
"YES" OR "NO," DAVID.

DID HE DO THAT?
"YES" OR "NO," DAVID.
NO, NEVER.

"YES" OR "NO," DAVID.
NO, NEVER.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT

NO, NEVER.
DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DADDY AND MOMMY DIDN'T, UM,

DID YOU EVER TELL THEM THAT
DADDY AND MOMMY DIDN'T, UM,
WELL, YOU KNOW FOR 14 YEARS?

DADDY AND MOMMY DIDN'T, UM,
WELL, YOU KNOW FOR 14 YEARS?
DIDN'T WHAT FOR 14 YEARS?

WELL, YOU KNOW FOR 14 YEARS?
DIDN'T WHAT FOR 14 YEARS?
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU AND I DID

DIDN'T WHAT FOR 14 YEARS?
YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU AND I DID
ON OUR HONEYMOON.

YOU KNOW, WHAT YOU AND I DID
ON OUR HONEYMOON.
WATCHED "ADAM-12"?

ON OUR HONEYMOON.
WATCHED "ADAM-12"?
NO, AFTER THAT, AT NIGHT.

WATCHED "ADAM-12"?
NO, AFTER THAT, AT NIGHT.
YOU REMEMBER.

NO, AFTER THAT, AT NIGHT.
YOU REMEMBER.
GOSH, NO, I WOULDN'T TELL

YOU REMEMBER.
GOSH, NO, I WOULDN'T TELL
ANYBODY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

GOSH, NO, I WOULDN'T TELL
ANYBODY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
HOW AM I DOING?

ANYBODY ANYTHING LIKE THAT.
HOW AM I DOING?
FINE.

HOW AM I DOING?
FINE.
GOOD.

FINE.
GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE QUESTION.

GOOD.
ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE QUESTION.
ONLY ONE MORE?

ALL RIGHT, ONE MORE QUESTION.
ONLY ONE MORE?
THAT'S TOO BAD. THIS IS FUN.

ONLY ONE MORE?
THAT'S TOO BAD. THIS IS FUN.
DAVID, DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?

THAT'S TOO BAD. THIS IS FUN.
DAVID, DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
NO.

DAVID, DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?
NO.
YOU LITTLE TWERP.

NO.
YOU LITTLE TWERP.
WE COULD NEVER GET DIVORCED

YOU LITTLE TWERP.
WE COULD NEVER GET DIVORCED
ANYWAY.

WE COULD NEVER GET DIVORCED
ANYWAY.
WHY NOT?

ANYWAY.
WHY NOT?
IT'D BE TERRIBLE FOR DADDY'S

WHY NOT?
IT'D BE TERRIBLE FOR DADDY'S
IMAGE.

♪ DOON RAO DA DOON DOON ♪
♪ DO DO DAO ♪
HI, I'M

♪ DO DO DAO ♪
HI, I'M
LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN!

HI, I'M
LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN!
HI!

LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN!
HI!
OH.

HI!
OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.

OH.
OH, I'M SORRY.
HI, I'M

OH, I'M SORRY.
HI, I'M
LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN

HI, I'M
LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN
WITH A WORD ABOUT TODAY'S NEW

LIEUTENANT COLONEL SCOTT SHUMAN
WITH A WORD ABOUT TODAY'S NEW
ARMY.

WITH A WORD ABOUT TODAY'S NEW
ARMY.
YOU KNOW, TODAY'S ARMY SURE HAS

ARMY.
YOU KNOW, TODAY'S ARMY SURE HAS
GONE THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES

YOU KNOW, TODAY'S ARMY SURE HAS
GONE THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES
FROM WHEN YOUR OLD MAN WAS INTO

GONE THROUGH A LOT OF CHANGES
FROM WHEN YOUR OLD MAN WAS INTO
IT.

FROM WHEN YOUR OLD MAN WAS INTO
IT.
OH, I'M SORRY.

IT.
OH, I'M SORRY.
[High voice] 'CAUSE NOW...

OH, I'M SORRY.
[High voice] 'CAUSE NOW...
[Normal voice] 'CAUSE NOW IT'S

[High voice] 'CAUSE NOW...
[Normal voice] 'CAUSE NOW IT'S
AN ALL-VOLUNTEER ARMY.

[Normal voice] 'CAUSE NOW IT'S
AN ALL-VOLUNTEER ARMY.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE

AN ALL-VOLUNTEER ARMY.
I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.

I MEAN, YOU DON'T HAVE TO BE
THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,

THERE IF YOU DON'T WANT TO.
I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,
THAT'S COOL.

I MEAN, IF YOU DON'T WANT TO,
THAT'S COOL.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIVES TO LEAD.

THAT'S COOL.
YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIVES TO LEAD.
YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO.

YOU HAVE YOUR OWN LIVES TO LEAD.
YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO.
BUT SO DO WE... THE BEST STUFF

YOU HAVE STUFF TO DO.
BUT SO DO WE... THE BEST STUFF
AN ARMY HELICOPTER CAN CARRY IN

BUT SO DO WE... THE BEST STUFF
AN ARMY HELICOPTER CAN CARRY IN
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.

AN ARMY HELICOPTER CAN CARRY IN
FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AND YOU KN...

FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD.
AND YOU KN...
UH, YOU KNOW, THE NEW ARMY IS

AND YOU KN...
UH, YOU KNOW, THE NEW ARMY IS
THE ARMED FORCES' REAL HIGH.

UH, YOU KNOW, THE NEW ARMY IS
THE ARMED FORCES' REAL HIGH.
IF YOU GET INTO THINGS LIKE

THE ARMED FORCES' REAL HIGH.
IF YOU GET INTO THINGS LIKE
AIR-DEFENSE ARTILLERY, YOU GET A

IF YOU GET INTO THINGS LIKE
AIR-DEFENSE ARTILLERY, YOU GET A
PERSONAL SET OF HEAT-SEEKING

AIR-DEFENSE ARTILLERY, YOU GET A
PERSONAL SET OF HEAT-SEEKING
LASER WEAPONS, PLUS, LIKE, A

PERSONAL SET OF HEAT-SEEKING
LASER WEAPONS, PLUS, LIKE, A
WHOLE BUNCH OF MISSILES, RADAR

LASER WEAPONS, PLUS, LIKE, A
WHOLE BUNCH OF MISSILES, RADAR
ATTRACTORS, ANTIAIRCRAFT

WHOLE BUNCH OF MISSILES, RADAR
ATTRACTORS, ANTIAIRCRAFT
SYSTEMS, ALL ON WHEELS, MAN.

ATTRACTORS, ANTIAIRCRAFT
SYSTEMS, ALL ON WHEELS, MAN.
YOU COULD EVEN BE A PARATROOPER.

SYSTEMS, ALL ON WHEELS, MAN.
YOU COULD EVEN BE A PARATROOPER.
AND THAT'S THE MOST FUN YOU CAN

YOU COULD EVEN BE A PARATROOPER.
AND THAT'S THE MOST FUN YOU CAN
HAVE WITH YOUR PANTS ON.

AND THAT'S THE MOST FUN YOU CAN
HAVE WITH YOUR PANTS ON.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW, MAN.

HAVE WITH YOUR PANTS ON.
BELIEVE ME, I KNOW, MAN.
SO, JOIN TODAY'S ARMY BECAUSE

BELIEVE ME, I KNOW, MAN.
SO, JOIN TODAY'S ARMY BECAUSE
EVERY BURST OF GUNFIRE HAS ALL

SO, JOIN TODAY'S ARMY BECAUSE
EVERY BURST OF GUNFIRE HAS ALL
THE COLORS IN THE RAINBOW.

Announcer: AND NOW
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
DON'T BE SILLY.

CHEVY CHASE.
DON'T BE SILLY.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO OUT WITH

DON'T BE SILLY.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO OUT WITH
HIM.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU GO OUT WITH
HIM.
JUST DON'T TOUCH HIM THERE.

HIM.
JUST DON'T TOUCH HIM THERE.
GOT TO GO.

JUST DON'T TOUCH HIM THERE.
GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.

GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
GOOD EVENING.

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU'RE NOT.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M GERALD FORD, AND YOU'RE NOT.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M GERALD FORD, AND YOU'RE NOT.
THAT LATE-BREAKING STORY JUST

I'M GERALD FORD, AND YOU'RE NOT.
THAT LATE-BREAKING STORY JUST
OUT OF WASHINGTON.

THAT LATE-BREAKING STORY JUST
OUT OF WASHINGTON.
DOCTORS SAY THE PRESIDENT IS

OUT OF WASHINGTON.
DOCTORS SAY THE PRESIDENT IS
ALMOST COMPLETELY OVER HIS

DOCTORS SAY THE PRESIDENT IS
ALMOST COMPLETELY OVER HIS
IDENTITY CRISIS BUT SHOULD

ALMOST COMPLETELY OVER HIS
IDENTITY CRISIS BUT SHOULD
CONTINUE THE THERAPY DAILY.

IDENTITY CRISIS BUT SHOULD
CONTINUE THE THERAPY DAILY.
IN A RELATED STORY, A REPORTER

CONTINUE THE THERAPY DAILY.
IN A RELATED STORY, A REPORTER
FROM UNDERACHIEVERS WEEKLY

IN A RELATED STORY, A REPORTER
FROM UNDERACHIEVERS WEEKLY
INTERVIEWED GERALD R. FORD THE

FROM UNDERACHIEVERS WEEKLY
INTERVIEWED GERALD R. FORD THE
OTHER DAY AND ASKED HIM WHAT THE

INTERVIEWED GERALD R. FORD THE
OTHER DAY AND ASKED HIM WHAT THE
"R" STOOD FOR.

OTHER DAY AND ASKED HIM WHAT THE
"R" STOOD FOR.
THE PRESIDENT REPLIED QUICKLY,

"R" STOOD FOR.
THE PRESIDENT REPLIED QUICKLY,
"THAT'S SIMPLE.

THE PRESIDENT REPLIED QUICKLY,
"THAT'S SIMPLE.
THE 'R' IS THERE TO SEPARATE MY

"THAT'S SIMPLE.
THE 'R' IS THERE TO SEPARATE MY
FIRST NAME FROM MY LAST NAME."

THE 'R' IS THERE TO SEPARATE MY
FIRST NAME FROM MY LAST NAME."
FUNERAL SERVICES FOR BILLIONAIRE

FIRST NAME FROM MY LAST NAME."
FUNERAL SERVICES FOR BILLIONAIRE
RECLUSE HOWARD HUGHES HAVE TAKEN

FUNERAL SERVICES FOR BILLIONAIRE
RECLUSE HOWARD HUGHES HAVE TAKEN
PLACE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS.

RECLUSE HOWARD HUGHES HAVE TAKEN
PLACE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS.
DUE TO HIS COMPLICATED TAX

PLACE IN HOUSTON, TEXAS.
DUE TO HIS COMPLICATED TAX
STRUCTURE, HUGHES WAS BURIED

DUE TO HIS COMPLICATED TAX
STRUCTURE, HUGHES WAS BURIED
ALONG WITH THREE INTERNAL

STRUCTURE, HUGHES WAS BURIED
ALONG WITH THREE INTERNAL
REVENUE AGENTS ASSIGNED TO

ALONG WITH THREE INTERNAL
REVENUE AGENTS ASSIGNED TO
CONTINUE THE I.R.S.

REVENUE AGENTS ASSIGNED TO
CONTINUE THE I.R.S.
INVESTIGATION.

CONTINUE THE I.R.S.
INVESTIGATION.
RUMORS HAVE BEEN DENIED AT THE

INVESTIGATION.
RUMORS HAVE BEEN DENIED AT THE
HIGHEST LEVEL THAT THE

RUMORS HAVE BEEN DENIED AT THE
HIGHEST LEVEL THAT THE
BILLIONAIRE HAS LEFT A WAKE-UP

HIGHEST LEVEL THAT THE
BILLIONAIRE HAS LEFT A WAKE-UP
CALL FOR EARLY JULY.

BILLIONAIRE HAS LEFT A WAKE-UP
CALL FOR EARLY JULY.
AND IT WAS DISCLOSED LATE TODAY

CALL FOR EARLY JULY.
AND IT WAS DISCLOSED LATE TODAY
THAT HUGHES'S WILL HAS BEEN

AND IT WAS DISCLOSED LATE TODAY
THAT HUGHES'S WILL HAS BEEN
DISCOVERED AND THAT,

THAT HUGHES'S WILL HAS BEEN
DISCOVERED AND THAT,
INEXPLICABLY, HE LEFT HIS ENTIRE

DISCOVERED AND THAT,
INEXPLICABLY, HE LEFT HIS ENTIRE
ESTATE TO MOVIE ACTOR

INEXPLICABLY, HE LEFT HIS ENTIRE
ESTATE TO MOVIE ACTOR
WARREN BEATTY.

ESTATE TO MOVIE ACTOR
WARREN BEATTY.
STILL BATTLING OVER THE

WARREN BEATTY.
STILL BATTLING OVER THE
CONNOTATIONS DERIVED BY THE

STILL BATTLING OVER THE
CONNOTATIONS DERIVED BY THE
PRESS OVER HIS USE OF THE TERM

CONNOTATIONS DERIVED BY THE
PRESS OVER HIS USE OF THE TERM
"ETHNIC PURITY," JIMMY CARTER

PRESS OVER HIS USE OF THE TERM
"ETHNIC PURITY," JIMMY CARTER
TODAY DENIED THAT HE WAS ONLY

"ETHNIC PURITY," JIMMY CARTER
TODAY DENIED THAT HE WAS ONLY
REFERRING TO ARYAN AND NORDIC

TODAY DENIED THAT HE WAS ONLY
REFERRING TO ARYAN AND NORDIC
NEIGHBORHOODS.

REFERRING TO ARYAN AND NORDIC
NEIGHBORHOODS.
HE SAYS HE IS FIRING HIS

NEIGHBORHOODS.
HE SAYS HE IS FIRING HIS
SPEECHWRITER BERNIE GOEBBELS.

HE SAYS HE IS FIRING HIS
SPEECHWRITER BERNIE GOEBBELS.
AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY IN POLAND,

SPEECHWRITER BERNIE GOEBBELS.
AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY IN POLAND,
PENNSYLVANIA, THE FORMER

AT A CAMPAIGN RALLY IN POLAND,
PENNSYLVANIA, THE FORMER
GOVERNOR APPEARED OPTIMISTIC

PENNSYLVANIA, THE FORMER
GOVERNOR APPEARED OPTIMISTIC
ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THE NEXT

GOVERNOR APPEARED OPTIMISTIC
ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THE NEXT
PRIMARY, SAYING, "TODAY POLAND,

ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THE NEXT
PRIMARY, SAYING, "TODAY POLAND,
TOMORROW THE WORLD."

PRIMARY, SAYING, "TODAY POLAND,
TOMORROW THE WORLD."
MEANWHILE, THE CANDIDATE'S

TOMORROW THE WORLD."
MEANWHILE, THE CANDIDATE'S
BROTHER,

MEANWHILE, THE CANDIDATE'S
BROTHER,
RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER, SAID

BROTHER,
RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER, SAID
HE IS READY TO ENDORSE HIS

RUBIN "HURRICANE" CARTER, SAID
HE IS READY TO ENDORSE HIS
FRATERNAL TWIN AND, AS A SHOW OF

HE IS READY TO ENDORSE HIS
FRATERNAL TWIN AND, AS A SHOW OF
GOOD FAITH, WILL DYE HIS HEAD

FRATERNAL TWIN AND, AS A SHOW OF
GOOD FAITH, WILL DYE HIS HEAD
FOR EASTER.

GOOD FAITH, WILL DYE HIS HEAD
FOR EASTER.
DOING HIS BIT TO AID THE

FOR EASTER.
DOING HIS BIT TO AID THE
NATION'S FUEL SHORTAGE,

DOING HIS BIT TO AID THE
NATION'S FUEL SHORTAGE,
PRESIDENT FORD THIS MORNING LEFT

NATION'S FUEL SHORTAGE,
PRESIDENT FORD THIS MORNING LEFT
THE ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE ON

PRESIDENT FORD THIS MORNING LEFT
THE ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE ON
FOOT.

THE ANDREWS AIR FORCE BASE ON
FOOT.
SENATOR FRED HARRIS OF OKLAHOMA

FOOT.
SENATOR FRED HARRIS OF OKLAHOMA
ANNOUNCED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE

SENATOR FRED HARRIS OF OKLAHOMA
ANNOUNCED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE
LAST THURSDAY THAT HE IS ENDING

ANNOUNCED AT A PRESS CONFERENCE
LAST THURSDAY THAT HE IS ENDING
HIS ACTIVE CAMPAIGN FOR THE

LAST THURSDAY THAT HE IS ENDING
HIS ACTIVE CAMPAIGN FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.

HIS ACTIVE CAMPAIGN FOR THE
DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.
AIDES COMPLAINED THAT HARRIS HAD

DEMOCRATIC NOMINATION.
AIDES COMPLAINED THAT HARRIS HAD
NOT RECEIVED THE SAME AMOUNT OF

AIDES COMPLAINED THAT HARRIS HAD
NOT RECEIVED THE SAME AMOUNT OF
NEWS COVERAGE AS OTHER

NOT RECEIVED THE SAME AMOUNT OF
NEWS COVERAGE AS OTHER
CANDIDATES.

NEWS COVERAGE AS OTHER
CANDIDATES.
LATER HE WAS ASKED BY THE PRESS

CANDIDATES.
LATER HE WAS ASKED BY THE PRESS
WHO HE WAS AND WHAT HE WANTED

LATER HE WAS ASKED BY THE PRESS
WHO HE WAS AND WHAT HE WANTED
THERE.

WHO HE WAS AND WHAT HE WANTED
THERE.
HENRY JACKSON TODAY INSISTED

THERE.
HENRY JACKSON TODAY INSISTED
THAT HE IS NOT BORING AND WILL

HENRY JACKSON TODAY INSISTED
THAT HE IS NOT BORING AND WILL
CONTINUE TO NOT BE BORING IN THE

THAT HE IS NOT BORING AND WILL
CONTINUE TO NOT BE BORING IN THE
FUTURE.

CONTINUE TO NOT BE BORING IN THE
FUTURE.
HE IS SEEN HERE DEMONSTRATING

FUTURE.
HE IS SEEN HERE DEMONSTRATING
HIS CHARISMA BY HOLDING A

HE IS SEEN HERE DEMONSTRATING
HIS CHARISMA BY HOLDING A
CABBAGE.

HIS CHARISMA BY HOLDING A
CABBAGE.
WELL, IN SAN CLEMENTE, FORMER

CABBAGE.
WELL, IN SAN CLEMENTE, FORMER
PRESIDENT NIXON IS HARD AT WORK

WELL, IN SAN CLEMENTE, FORMER
PRESIDENT NIXON IS HARD AT WORK
WRITING HIS MEMOIRS TO BE

PRESIDENT NIXON IS HARD AT WORK
WRITING HIS MEMOIRS TO BE
PUBLISHED IN 1977 IN A 2-VOLUME

WRITING HIS MEMOIRS TO BE
PUBLISHED IN 1977 IN A 2-VOLUME
SET.

PUBLISHED IN 1977 IN A 2-VOLUME
SET.
IN THE FIRST VOLUME, HE WILL

SET.
IN THE FIRST VOLUME, HE WILL
TELL THE WHOLE STORY, AND IN THE

IN THE FIRST VOLUME, HE WILL
TELL THE WHOLE STORY, AND IN THE
SECOND VOLUME, HE WILL DENY IT.

TELL THE WHOLE STORY, AND IN THE
SECOND VOLUME, HE WILL DENY IT.
HERE IS A JUST-RELEASED

SECOND VOLUME, HE WILL DENY IT.
HERE IS A JUST-RELEASED
PHOTOGRAPH, TAKEN THE NIGHT

HERE IS A JUST-RELEASED
PHOTOGRAPH, TAKEN THE NIGHT
BEFORE HE RESIGNED, OF FORMER

PHOTOGRAPH, TAKEN THE NIGHT
BEFORE HE RESIGNED, OF FORMER
PRESIDENT NIXON AND HIS FORMER

BEFORE HE RESIGNED, OF FORMER
PRESIDENT NIXON AND HIS FORMER
DOG TRICKY.

PRESIDENT NIXON AND HIS FORMER
DOG TRICKY.
AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR 18

DOG TRICKY.
AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR 18
MONTHS, PRESIDENT FORD HAS

AFTER THINKING ABOUT IT FOR 18
MONTHS, PRESIDENT FORD HAS
ISSUED A FULL PARDON FOR THE

MONTHS, PRESIDENT FORD HAS
ISSUED A FULL PARDON FOR THE
DOG.

ISSUED A FULL PARDON FOR THE
DOG.
WELL, THE POLITICAL SHAKEUP IN

DOG.
WELL, THE POLITICAL SHAKEUP IN
SPAIN CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE

WELL, THE POLITICAL SHAKEUP IN
SPAIN CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE
DEATH EARLIER THIS YEAR OF

SPAIN CONTINUES FOLLOWING THE
DEATH EARLIER THIS YEAR OF
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.

DEATH EARLIER THIS YEAR OF
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO.
FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW
TO MADRID AND CORRESPONDENT

FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW
TO MADRID AND CORRESPONDENT
LARAINE NEWMAN.

TO MADRID AND CORRESPONDENT
LARAINE NEWMAN.
CHEVY, I'M STANDING WITH THE

LARAINE NEWMAN.
CHEVY, I'M STANDING WITH THE
PRESS SECRETARY TO THE LATE

CHEVY, I'M STANDING WITH THE
PRESS SECRETARY TO THE LATE
GENERALISSIMO, WHO HAS JUST HAD

PRESS SECRETARY TO THE LATE
GENERALISSIMO, WHO HAS JUST HAD
A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE

GENERALISSIMO, WHO HAS JUST HAD
A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE
MADE WHAT HE CONSIDERS TO BE AN

A PRESS CONFERENCE IN WHICH HE
MADE WHAT HE CONSIDERS TO BE AN
IMPORTANT STATEMENT.

MR. BOYARDEE?

WELL, I HAVE SIMPLY STATED TO

THE PRESS, AS I HAVE IN THE

PAST, THAT THE GENERALISSIMO'S

CONDITION IS STILL VERY GRAVE.

BUT... AND I WOULD LIKE TO

EMPHASIZE THIS... IT IS STABLE

AT THIS TIME.

MR. BOYARDEE, FRANCO IS DEAD,
IS HE NOT?
YES, HE IS.

IS HE NOT?
YES, HE IS.
BUT I DIDN'T SAY THAT HE WASN'T

YES, HE IS.
BUT I DIDN'T SAY THAT HE WASN'T
DEAD.

BUT I DIDN'T SAY THAT HE WASN'T
DEAD.
I JUST SAID HE WAS STABLE.

DEAD.
I JUST SAID HE WAS STABLE.
WELL, DO YOU FORESEE ANY

I JUST SAID HE WAS STABLE.
WELL, DO YOU FORESEE ANY
MODIFICATION IN HIS ATTITUDES?

WELL, DO YOU FORESEE ANY
MODIFICATION IN HIS ATTITUDES?
NO, I DON'T THINK THERE'S

MODIFICATION IN HIS ATTITUDES?
NO, I DON'T THINK THERE'S
GOING TO BE ANY CHANGE IN HIS

NO, I DON'T THINK THERE'S
GOING TO BE ANY CHANGE IN HIS
POSITION.

GOING TO BE ANY CHANGE IN HIS
POSITION.
MR. PRESS SECRETARY, I'VE

POSITION.
MR. PRESS SECRETARY, I'VE
NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE NO

MR. PRESS SECRETARY, I'VE
NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE NO
DETECTABLE ACCENT.

NOTICED THAT YOU HAVE NO
DETECTABLE ACCENT.
YES, THAT IS CORRECT, AND

DETECTABLE ACCENT.
YES, THAT IS CORRECT, AND
NEITHER DOES THE GENERALISSIMO.

YES, THAT IS CORRECT, AND
NEITHER DOES THE GENERALISSIMO.
I SEE.

NEITHER DOES THE GENERALISSIMO.
I SEE.
BACK TO YOU, CHEVY.

I SEE.
BACK TO YOU, CHEVY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.

BACK TO YOU, CHEVY.
LARAINE NEWMAN.
S.L.A. MEMBER EMILY HARRIS IS

LARAINE NEWMAN.
S.L.A. MEMBER EMILY HARRIS IS
REPORTED TO BE IN SATISFACTORY

S.L.A. MEMBER EMILY HARRIS IS
REPORTED TO BE IN SATISFACTORY
CONDITION IN A CALIFORNIA

REPORTED TO BE IN SATISFACTORY
CONDITION IN A CALIFORNIA
HOSPITAL AFTER SUFFERING WHAT

CONDITION IN A CALIFORNIA
HOSPITAL AFTER SUFFERING WHAT
DOCTORS CALL A SPONTANEOUS

HOSPITAL AFTER SUFFERING WHAT
DOCTORS CALL A SPONTANEOUS
PNEUMOCEREBROSIS, OR A COLLAPSED

DOCTORS CALL A SPONTANEOUS
PNEUMOCEREBROSIS, OR A COLLAPSED
BRAIN.

PNEUMOCEREBROSIS, OR A COLLAPSED
BRAIN.
RONALD REAGAN SAID TODAY THAT

BRAIN.
RONALD REAGAN SAID TODAY THAT
SINCE RED DYE NUMBER TWO IS

RONALD REAGAN SAID TODAY THAT
SINCE RED DYE NUMBER TWO IS
CONSIDERED SUSPICIOUS BY THE

SINCE RED DYE NUMBER TWO IS
CONSIDERED SUSPICIOUS BY THE
FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, HE

CONSIDERED SUSPICIOUS BY THE
FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, HE
IS WILLING TO TRY REGULAR COFFEE

FOOD AND DRUG ADMINISTRATION, HE
IS WILLING TO TRY REGULAR COFFEE
ON HIS HAIR INSTEAD.

IS WILLING TO TRY REGULAR COFFEE
ON HIS HAIR INSTEAD.
AND IN SPORTS, HONEST PLEASURE

ON HIS HAIR INSTEAD.
AND IN SPORTS, HONEST PLEASURE
SAID THURSDAY THAT HE FEELS

AND IN SPORTS, HONEST PLEASURE
SAID THURSDAY THAT HE FEELS
STRONGLY HE IS AN EASY WINNER IN

SAID THURSDAY THAT HE FEELS
STRONGLY HE IS AN EASY WINNER IN
THE KENTUCKY DERBY THIS YEAR.

STRONGLY HE IS AN EASY WINNER IN
THE KENTUCKY DERBY THIS YEAR.
STILL TO COME, BOY DYNAMITE'S

THE KENTUCKY DERBY THIS YEAR.
STILL TO COME, BOY DYNAMITE'S
EASTER BUNNY AFTER THIS FILMED

STILL TO COME, BOY DYNAMITE'S
EASTER BUNNY AFTER THIS FILMED
MESSAGE.

THE 1960s... A TIME OF
CHANGE, A TIME OF SHARING, A
TIME OF GROWTH.

HI, I'M FORMER YIPPIE LEADER

JERRY RUBIN, AND I LIVED THOSE

YEARS WITH YOU... BURNING DRAFT

CARDS, LIBERATING THE

ADMINISTRATION BUILDING, AND, OF

COURSE, SCRAWLING REVOLUTIONARY

SLOGANS ON THE WALLS IN SPRAY

PAINT.

NOW THE BERKELEY COLLECTION HAS
CAPTURED THOSE COLORFUL YEARS
AND THE GRAFFITI THAT TELLS IT

CAPTURED THOSE COLORFUL YEARS
AND THE GRAFFITI THAT TELLS IT
LIKE IT WAS ON THESE

AND THE GRAFFITI THAT TELLS IT
LIKE IT WAS ON THESE
PRE-TRIMMED, PRE-PASTED ROLLS OF

LIKE IT WAS ON THESE
PRE-TRIMMED, PRE-PASTED ROLLS OF
DURABLE DECORATOR-APPROVED

PRE-TRIMMED, PRE-PASTED ROLLS OF
DURABLE DECORATOR-APPROVED
WALLPAPER, PERFECT FOR YOUR DEN

DURABLE DECORATOR-APPROVED
WALLPAPER, PERFECT FOR YOUR DEN
OR RECREATION AREA.

WALLPAPER, PERFECT FOR YOUR DEN
OR RECREATION AREA.
JOIN ME IN A PROTEST MARCH DOWN

OR RECREATION AREA.
JOIN ME IN A PROTEST MARCH DOWN
MEMORY LANE WITH A PATTERN WE

JOIN ME IN A PROTEST MARCH DOWN
MEMORY LANE WITH A PATTERN WE
CALL "THE DISSIDENT."

MEMORY LANE WITH A PATTERN WE
CALL "THE DISSIDENT."
TO THE PEOPLE!

CALL "THE DISSIDENT."
TO THE PEOPLE!
THE STREETS BELONG TO THE

TO THE PEOPLE!
THE STREETS BELONG TO THE
PEOPLE!

THE STREETS BELONG TO THE
PEOPLE!
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!

PEOPLE!
TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!
[INDISTINCT CHANTING]

TWO, FOUR, SIX, EIGHT!
[INDISTINCT CHANTING]
TOO HEAVY FOR YOU?

[INDISTINCT CHANTING]
TOO HEAVY FOR YOU?
I UNDERSTAND.

TOO HEAVY FOR YOU?
I UNDERSTAND.
PERHAPS "THE PEACEMAKER" IS MORE

I UNDERSTAND.
PERHAPS "THE PEACEMAKER" IS MORE
YOUR BAG.

PERHAPS "THE PEACEMAKER" IS MORE
YOUR BAG.
♪ GIVE PEACE A CHANCE ♪

YOUR BAG.
♪ GIVE PEACE A CHANCE ♪
♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING... ♪

♪ GIVE PEACE A CHANCE ♪
♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING... ♪
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!

♪ ALL WE ARE SAYING... ♪
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
SOCK IT TO ME!

POWER TO THE PEOPLE!
SOCK IT TO ME!
BUT NO MATTER WHERE YOUR HEAD

SOCK IT TO ME!
BUT NO MATTER WHERE YOUR HEAD
IS AT, BEING FREE TURNS EVERYONE

BUT NO MATTER WHERE YOUR HEAD
IS AT, BEING FREE TURNS EVERYONE
ON, RIGHT?

IS AT, BEING FREE TURNS EVERYONE
ON, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY WE CHOSE THIS

ON, RIGHT?
THAT'S WHY WE CHOSE THIS
FIT-ANY-MOOD FREEDOM MOTIF FOR

THAT'S WHY WE CHOSE THIS
FIT-ANY-MOOD FREEDOM MOTIF FOR
OUR BORDERS AND TRIM.

FIT-ANY-MOOD FREEDOM MOTIF FOR
OUR BORDERS AND TRIM.
WE CALL IT "THE DIGGER."

OUR BORDERS AND TRIM.
WE CALL IT "THE DIGGER."
["BORN FREE" PLAYS]

OOPS, NO HASSLE.
THIS WALLPAPER IS
VINYL-ACRYLIC-COATED TO MAKE IT

THIS WALLPAPER IS
VINYL-ACRYLIC-COATED TO MAKE IT
SCUFF- AND STAIN-RESISTANT.

VINYL-ACRYLIC-COATED TO MAKE IT
SCUFF- AND STAIN-RESISTANT.
WIPES CLEAN WITH A DAMP CLOTH.

SCUFF- AND STAIN-RESISTANT.
WIPES CLEAN WITH A DAMP CLOTH.
ISN'T THIS OUT OF SIGHT?

WIPES CLEAN WITH A DAMP CLOTH.
ISN'T THIS OUT OF SIGHT?
SO TAKE IT FROM ME, JERRY RUBIN,

ISN'T THIS OUT OF SIGHT?
SO TAKE IT FROM ME, JERRY RUBIN,
WHEN I SAY, "UP AGAINST THE

SO TAKE IT FROM ME, JERRY RUBIN,
WHEN I SAY, "UP AGAINST THE
WALLPAPER [BLEEP]"

WHEN I SAY, "UP AGAINST THE
WALLPAPER [BLEEP]"
THE BERKELEY COLLECTION, BY

WALLPAPER [BLEEP]"
THE BERKELEY COLLECTION, BY
CHEMSTRO.

CALIFORNIA PENAL AUTHORITIES
HAVE ANNOUNCED THE RELEASE FROM
PRISON OF CHARLES MANSON, SAYING

HAVE ANNOUNCED THE RELEASE FROM
PRISON OF CHARLES MANSON, SAYING
THAT MANSON IS NOW COMPLETELY

PRISON OF CHARLES MANSON, SAYING
THAT MANSON IS NOW COMPLETELY
REHABILITATED AND IS NO THREAT

THAT MANSON IS NOW COMPLETELY
REHABILITATED AND IS NO THREAT
TO SOCIETY UNLESS SOCIETY

REHABILITATED AND IS NO THREAT
TO SOCIETY UNLESS SOCIETY
CROSSES HIS PATH.

TO SOCIETY UNLESS SOCIETY
CROSSES HIS PATH.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS

CROSSES HIS PATH.
"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS
OBLIGATION TO PRESENT

"WEEKEND UPDATE" RECOGNIZES ITS
OBLIGATION TO PRESENT
RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS

OBLIGATION TO PRESENT
RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS
TO OUR EDITORIALS.

RESPONSIBLE OPPOSING VIEWPOINTS
TO OUR EDITORIALS.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS

TO OUR EDITORIALS.
HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.

HERE WITH AN EDITORIAL REPLY IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.
WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP

MISS EMILY LITELLA.
WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP
HEARING ABOUT THE 1976

WHAT'S ALL THIS FUSS I KEEP
HEARING ABOUT THE 1976
PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION?

NOW, I KNOW THEY ERECTED A

MONUMENT FOR MR. LINCOLN AND

PRESIDENT WASHINGTON, BUT THAT'S

BECAUSE THEY'RE DEAD.

HOPEFULLY THE 1976 PRESIDENT

WON'T BE DEAD, SO HE WON'T NEED

AN ERECTION.

IF AMERICANS ARE GOING TO SPEND

MONEY TO ERECT ANYTHING, WHY

DON'T WE TEAR DOWN THOSE NASTY

SLUMS AND ERECT LUXURY

HIGH-RISES FOR POOR PEOPLE AND

SENIOR CITIZENS, NOT FOR

PRESIDENTS WHO CAN AFFORD TO PAY

FOR THEIR OWN ERECTIONS?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THE WAY THINGS
ARE TURNING OUT...
MISS LITELLA?

ARE TURNING OUT...
MISS LITELLA?
WHAT?

MISS LITELLA?
WHAT?
I'M SORRY. THAT'S "ELECTION."

WHAT?
I'M SORRY. THAT'S "ELECTION."
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT THE

I'M SORRY. THAT'S "ELECTION."
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, NOT THE

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT THE
PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, NOT THE
PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION...

PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION, NOT THE
PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION...
ELECTION.

PRESIDENTIAL ERECTION...
ELECTION.
OH, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.

ELECTION.
OH, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
YES.

OH, THAT'S VERY DIFFERENT.
YES.
NEVER MIND.

YES.
NEVER MIND.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.

NEVER MIND.
AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.
HERE'S SOMETHING I THINK

TOMORROW.
HERE'S SOMETHING I THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY VERY MUCH.

HERE'S SOMETHING I THINK
YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY VERY MUCH.
IT'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY

YOU'RE GOING TO ENJOY VERY MUCH.
IT'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY
GARY WEIS.

IT'S THIS WEEK'S FILM BY
GARY WEIS.
WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD

GARY WEIS.
WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD
BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT

WELL, I FEEL THE MEN SHOULD
BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT
"GARBAGEMEN."

BE CALLED "SANITATION MEN," NOT
"GARBAGEMEN."
"SANITATION ENGINEER" IS A

"GARBAGEMEN."
"SANITATION ENGINEER" IS A
LITTLE TOO HIGH.

"SANITATION ENGINEER" IS A
LITTLE TOO HIGH.
BUT "GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S

LITTLE TOO HIGH.
BUT "GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S
DESCRIBING THE PERSON.

BUT "GARBAGEMAN"... I-I-IT'S
DESCRIBING THE PERSON.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.

DESCRIBING THE PERSON.
I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS

I DON'T THINK THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS
LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK.

YOU CAN CALL ME ANYTHING AS
LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK.
DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE

LONG AS I GET PAID EVERY WEEK.
DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE
WAY OR ANOTHER.

DOESN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE ONE
WAY OR ANOTHER.
DOESN'T MATTER.

WAY OR ANOTHER.
DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.

DOESN'T MATTER.
YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.
[PETE SEEGER'S "GARBAGE"

YOU ARE WHAT YOU ARE.
[PETE SEEGER'S "GARBAGE"
PLAYING]

♪ MR. THOMPSON CALLS THE
WAITER ♪
♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED

WAITER ♪
♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED
POTATER ♪

♪ ORDERS STEAK AND BAKED
POTATER ♪
♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE AND

POTATER ♪
♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE AND
GRISTLE ♪

♪ THEN HE LEAVES THE BONE AND
GRISTLE ♪
♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪

GRISTLE ♪
♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪
♪ THE BUSBOY COMES AND TAKES

♪ AND HE NEVER EATS THE SKIN ♪
♪ THE BUSBOY COMES AND TAKES
IT ♪

♪ THE BUSBOY COMES AND TAKES
IT ♪
♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES

IT ♪
♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES
IT ♪

♪ WITH A COUGH, CONTAMINATES
IT ♪
♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH

IT ♪
♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH
COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE

♪ HE THROWS IT IN A CAN WITH
COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE
TINS ♪

COFFEE GROUNDS AND SARDINE
TINS ♪
♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON

TINS ♪
♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON
FRIDAY ♪

♪ THEN A TRUCK COMES BY ON
FRIDAY ♪
♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪

FRIDAY ♪
♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪
♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST

♪ CARTS IT ALL AWAY ♪
♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST
LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE

♪ AND A THOUSAND TRUCKS JUST
LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE
BAY ♪

LIKE IT ARE CONVERGING ON THE
BAY ♪
♪ GARBAGE ♪

BAY ♪
♪ GARBAGE ♪
♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪

♪ GARBAGE ♪
♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪
♪ GARBAGE ♪

♪ GARBAGE, GARBAGE, GARBAGE ♪
♪ GARBAGE ♪
AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES

♪ GARBAGE ♪
AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES
START POPPIN' UP.

AROUND SPRINGTIME, BODIES
START POPPIN' UP.
USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL

START POPPIN' UP.
USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL
OR WINTERTIME.

USUALLY THEY FALL IN AROUND FALL
OR WINTERTIME.
WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I

OR WINTERTIME.
WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I
DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP

WHATEVER THE REASON IS... I
DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP
TILL SPRING.

DON'T KNOW... THEY DON'T COME UP
TILL SPRING.
WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING

TILL SPRING.
WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING
UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE

WHETHER IT'S THE WATER HEATING
UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE
BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP

UP AND THE CHEMICALS IN THE
BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP
UP AROUND SPRING.

BODY, I DON'T KNOW, BUT THEY POP
UP AROUND SPRING.
WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM

UP AROUND SPRING.
WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM
AROUND HERE.

WE GOT FOUR OR FIVE OF 'EM
AROUND HERE.
FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE

AROUND HERE.
FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE
FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED

FACT IS, BETWEEN US AND THE
FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED
SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG.

FIREBOAT ONE DAY, I SPOTTED
SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG.
AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR

SOMETHING I THOUGHT WAS A LEG.
AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR
BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN

AFTER I GOT THE POLICE HARBOR
BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN
ARM.

BOAT ON, IT TURNED OUT TO BE AN
ARM.
THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE

ARM.
THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE
REST OF IT WAS THERE.

THE HAND WAS MISSING, BUT THE
REST OF IT WAS THERE.
SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE

REST OF IT WAS THERE.
SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE
HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS.

SOMETIMES WE FIND GUNS IN THE
HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS.
FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE.

HOPPER WHEN WE DUMP THE CANS.
FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE.
THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S

FOUND A DIAMOND RING ONCE.
THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S
VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW?

THAT DEPENDS ON WHAT'S
VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW?
I READ A LOT.

VALUABLE TO YOU, YOU KNOW?
I READ A LOT.
I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS.

I READ A LOT.
I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS.
THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY

I FIND A LOT OF BOOKS.
THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY
DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER

THEN WE FOUND A [COUGHS] GUY
DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER
PIER.

DEAD OVER HERE ON THE OTHER
PIER.
TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND

PIER.
TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND
HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS

TURNED OUT TO BE A REPORTER, AND
HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS
OWN HEAD OFF.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO HAVE BLOWN HIS
OWN HEAD OFF.
WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU

OWN HEAD OFF.
WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU
SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF

WELL, THAT DARK LAND THAT YOU
SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF
THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S

SEE GOING ACROSS THE WHOLE OF
THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S
STATEN ISLAND.

THE RIVER DOWN THERE... THAT'S
STATEN ISLAND.
ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE,

STATEN ISLAND.
ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE,
THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO.

ON THE FAR SIDE FROM HERE,
THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO.
♪ WELL, I TRIED IN

THAT'S WHERE THE SCOWS GO.
♪ WELL, I TRIED IN
NEW YORK CITY ♪

♪ WELL, I TRIED IN
NEW YORK CITY ♪
♪ OH, HO ♪

NEW YORK CITY ♪
♪ OH, HO ♪
♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪

♪ OH, HO ♪
♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪

♪ NO, GONNA TRY IT ON YOU ♪
♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ WORK MY ROOSTER ♪

♪ OH, YEAH ♪
♪ WORK MY ROOSTER ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

WE HAVE A CONTRACT WITH THE
CITY OF NEW YORK.
WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL

CITY OF NEW YORK.
WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL
RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF

WE HAVE MEN PICKING MATERIAL
RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF
THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS

RIGHT OFF THE DUMP, RIGHT OUT OF
THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS
METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU

THE DUMP... GLASS, FERROUS
METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU
KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL,

METALS, NONFERROUS METALS, YOU
KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL,
IRON.

KNOW, BRASS, COPPER, STEEL,
IRON.
THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP

IRON.
THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP
THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP.

THIS IS A PART OF THE SCRAP
THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP.
EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD

THAT WE GET DOWN AT THE DUMP.
EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD
FOR SCRAP.

EVENTUALLY IT'LL BE CUT UP, SOLD
FOR SCRAP.
WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE

FOR SCRAP.
WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE
DUMP.

WE FOUND HIM OUT HERE ON THE
DUMP.
SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF.

DUMP.
SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF.
HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW.

SOMEBODY DROPPED HIM OFF.
HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW.
HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM

HE'S ONLY 5 MONTHS OLD NOW.
HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM
FROM OUT HERE.

HE WAS A PUP WHEN WE RAISED HIM
FROM OUT HERE.
WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP.

FROM OUT HERE.
WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP.
THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO

WE GOT HIM OUT OF THE DUMP.
THE FIRST THING THAT CAME TO
US... WE CALLED HIM "DUMPY."

WHAT DO THEY CALL THIS UP
HERE, JOHN?
THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND

HERE, JOHN?
THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND
DUMP.

THIS IS THE BROOKFIELD LAND
DUMP.
DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS?

DUMP.
DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS?
IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND.

DO YOU KNOW HOW WIDE IT IS?
IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND.
THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST

IT'S ABOUT 6 MILES AROUND.
THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST
LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD.

THEY SAY IT'S THE LARGEST
LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD.
IT IS, IT IS.

LANDFILL DUMP IN THE WORLD.
IT IS, IT IS.
THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD.

IT IS, IT IS.
THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD.
YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT

THE LARGEST IN THE WORLD.
YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT
20 YEARS NOW.

YOU'VE BEEN IN BUSINESS ABOUT
20 YEARS NOW.
ABOUT 20 YEARS.

20 YEARS NOW.
ABOUT 20 YEARS.
TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU

ABOUT 20 YEARS.
TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU
STAND THE SMELL HERE?

TELL ME, JOHN, HOW DO YOU
STAND THE SMELL HERE?
SMELLS GOOD TODAY.

STAND THE SMELL HERE?
SMELLS GOOD TODAY.
WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT

SMELLS GOOD TODAY.
WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT
GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS

WAIT TILL THE SUMMER, WHEN IT
GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS
COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT.

GETS REAL HOT AND STUFF STARTS
COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT.
THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT.

COOKING UP A LITTLE BIT.
THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT.
NOW IT'S NICE.

THAT'S WHEN YOU CAN'T STAND IT.
NOW IT'S NICE.
THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD

NOW IT'S NICE.
THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD
RIGHT NOW?

THIS DOESN'T SMELL SO BAD
RIGHT NOW?
NAH. AIN'T THAT BAD.

I LOVE BEING A WOMAN.
FEELING FRESH, SOFT, AND
FRAGRANT MAKES ME GLAD I'M

FEELING FRESH, SOFT, AND
FRAGRANT MAKES ME GLAD I'M
MYSELF.

FRAGRANT MAKES ME GLAD I'M
MYSELF.
I LOVE TO BE PAMPERED IN SILK

MYSELF.
I LOVE TO BE PAMPERED IN SILK
AND FLOWING CHIFFONS... THE

I LOVE TO BE PAMPERED IN SILK
AND FLOWING CHIFFONS... THE
FINER THINGS IN LIFE.

AND FLOWING CHIFFONS... THE
FINER THINGS IN LIFE.
AND BEING FEMININE MEANS BEING

FINER THINGS IN LIFE.
AND BEING FEMININE MEANS BEING
FRESH AND CLEAN.

AND BEING FEMININE MEANS BEING
FRESH AND CLEAN.
WHEN I THINK OF THE FINEST IN

FRESH AND CLEAN.
WHEN I THINK OF THE FINEST IN
JEWELRY, I THINK OF TIFFANY AND

WHEN I THINK OF THE FINEST IN
JEWELRY, I THINK OF TIFFANY AND
CARTIER.

JEWELRY, I THINK OF TIFFANY AND
CARTIER.
AND WHEN I THINK OF FEMININE

CARTIER.
AND WHEN I THINK OF FEMININE
HYGIENE, I THINK OF

AND WHEN I THINK OF FEMININE
HYGIENE, I THINK OF
AUTUMN FIZZ...

HYGIENE, I THINK OF
AUTUMN FIZZ...
THE CARBONATED DOUCHE.

AUTUMN FIZZ GIVES ME THE
CONFIDENCE A WOMAN NEEDS IN
TODAY'S HECTIC WORLD.

CONFIDENCE A WOMAN NEEDS IN
TODAY'S HECTIC WORLD.
IT BRINGS OUT THE NATURAL

TODAY'S HECTIC WORLD.
IT BRINGS OUT THE NATURAL
FRAGRANCE OF FEMININITY WITH THE

IT BRINGS OUT THE NATURAL
FRAGRANCE OF FEMININITY WITH THE
EFFERVESCENCE OF UNCOLA.

AUTUMN FIZZ.
[BURPS]
THE CARBONATED DOUCHE.

[BURPS]
THE CARBONATED DOUCHE.
DON'T LEAVE HIM HOLDING THE BAG.

THANK YOU.
NOW IN STRAWBERRY...
LEMON...

NOW IN STRAWBERRY...
LEMON...
AND EGG CREAM.

GOOD EVENING, LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE TOMORROW SHOW."

GENTLEMEN.
WELCOME TO "THE TOMORROW SHOW."
OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS

WELCOME TO "THE TOMORROW SHOW."
OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS
MR. RON NESSEN.

OUR GUEST TONIGHT IS
MR. RON NESSEN.
HE'S THE PRESS SECRETARY TO THE

MR. RON NESSEN.
HE'S THE PRESS SECRETARY TO THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.

HE'S THE PRESS SECRETARY TO THE
PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT

PRESIDENT OF THE UNITED STATES.
NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I'M

NOW, FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO MIGHT
KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I'M
JUST GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT THIS

KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON HERE, I'M
JUST GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT THIS
THING IS ALL ABOUT, GIVE YOU

JUST GONNA EXPLAIN WHAT THIS
THING IS ALL ABOUT, GIVE YOU
SOME BACKGROUND INFORMATION.

THING IS ALL ABOUT, GIVE YOU
SOME BACKGROUND INFORMATION.
MR. NESSEN IS THE PRESS

SOME BACKGROUND INFORMATION.
MR. NESSEN IS THE PRESS
SECRETARY TO PRESIDENT FORD.

MR. NESSEN IS THE PRESS
SECRETARY TO PRESIDENT FORD.
NOW, THE OTHER FELLA WAS THE GUY

SECRETARY TO PRESIDENT FORD.
NOW, THE OTHER FELLA WAS THE GUY
WHO GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE

NOW, THE OTHER FELLA WAS THE GUY
WHO GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE
WATERGATE THING, AND THAT WHOLE

WHO GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE
WATERGATE THING, AND THAT WHOLE
THING BLEW UP, AND, WELL, WE

WATERGATE THING, AND THAT WHOLE
THING BLEW UP, AND, WELL, WE
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.

THING BLEW UP, AND, WELL, WE
KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
BUT PRESIDENT FORD IS A GUY WHO

KNOW WHAT HAPPENED THERE.
BUT PRESIDENT FORD IS A GUY WHO
STANDS A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF

BUT PRESIDENT FORD IS A GUY WHO
STANDS A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF
BEING ELECTED BY DUE ELECTORAL

STANDS A VERY GOOD CHANCE OF
BEING ELECTED BY DUE ELECTORAL
PROCESS THIS COMING YEAR, AND

BEING ELECTED BY DUE ELECTORAL
PROCESS THIS COMING YEAR, AND
RON IS, OF COURSE, THE SECOND

PROCESS THIS COMING YEAR, AND
RON IS, OF COURSE, THE SECOND
RON IN A ROW TO HOLD THAT OFFICE

RON IS, OF COURSE, THE SECOND
RON IN A ROW TO HOLD THAT OFFICE
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.

RON IN A ROW TO HOLD THAT OFFICE
IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
RON NUMBER 2, BUT, IN FACT,

IN THE WHITE HOUSE.
RON NUMBER 2, BUT, IN FACT,
NUMBER 1 NOW, HOW THE HECK ARE

RON NUMBER 2, BUT, IN FACT,
NUMBER 1 NOW, HOW THE HECK ARE
YOU, SIR?

NUMBER 1 NOW, HOW THE HECK ARE
YOU, SIR?
FINE.

YOU, SIR?
FINE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TOM.

FINE.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TOM.
NOW, RON, YOU AND I KNOW THAT

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, TOM.
NOW, RON, YOU AND I KNOW THAT
THE WHITE HOUSE IS IN

NOW, RON, YOU AND I KNOW THAT
THE WHITE HOUSE IS IN
WASHINGTON, AND, OF COURSE, YOU

THE WHITE HOUSE IS IN
WASHINGTON, AND, OF COURSE, YOU
WORK THERE, SO YOU LIVE THERE, I

WASHINGTON, AND, OF COURSE, YOU
WORK THERE, SO YOU LIVE THERE, I
GUESS.

WORK THERE, SO YOU LIVE THERE, I
GUESS.
MAYBE YOU CAN THROW SOME LIGHT

GUESS.
MAYBE YOU CAN THROW SOME LIGHT
ON A SUBJECT THAT'S BEEN, WELL,

MAYBE YOU CAN THROW SOME LIGHT
ON A SUBJECT THAT'S BEEN, WELL,
BUGGING ME FOR SOME TIME NOW.

ON A SUBJECT THAT'S BEEN, WELL,
BUGGING ME FOR SOME TIME NOW.
WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAZY BUSINESS

BUGGING ME FOR SOME TIME NOW.
WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAZY BUSINESS
IN WASHINGTON ABOUT TAXIS HAVING

WHAT'S ALL THIS CRAZY BUSINESS
IN WASHINGTON ABOUT TAXIS HAVING
NO METERS AND CUSTOMERS HAVING

IN WASHINGTON ABOUT TAXIS HAVING
NO METERS AND CUSTOMERS HAVING
TO PAY ACCORDING TO DISTRICTS

NO METERS AND CUSTOMERS HAVING
TO PAY ACCORDING TO DISTRICTS
INSTEAD OF REGULAR METERED FARE?

TO PAY ACCORDING TO DISTRICTS
INSTEAD OF REGULAR METERED FARE?
WELL, TOM, I UNDERSTAND THAT

INSTEAD OF REGULAR METERED FARE?
WELL, TOM, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THERE WERE METERS IN MOST OF THE

WELL, TOM, I UNDERSTAND THAT
THERE WERE METERS IN MOST OF THE
TAXIS UP UNTIL THE LAST DAYS OF

THERE WERE METERS IN MOST OF THE
TAXIS UP UNTIL THE LAST DAYS OF
THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION.

TAXIS UP UNTIL THE LAST DAYS OF
THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION.
PRESIDENT NIXON HAD THEM ALL

THE NIXON ADMINISTRATION.
PRESIDENT NIXON HAD THEM ALL
REMOVED BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH HE

PRESIDENT NIXON HAD THEM ALL
REMOVED BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH HE
NEVER TOOK TAXIS HIMSELF, STILL

REMOVED BECAUSE, ALTHOUGH HE
NEVER TOOK TAXIS HIMSELF, STILL
HE FELT THEY WERE OVERCHARGING

NEVER TOOK TAXIS HIMSELF, STILL
HE FELT THEY WERE OVERCHARGING
HIM.

HE FELT THEY WERE OVERCHARGING
HIM.
MM-HMM. I SEE, SIR.

HIM.
MM-HMM. I SEE, SIR.
AS WELL AS WORKING HERE ON THIS

MM-HMM. I SEE, SIR.
AS WELL AS WORKING HERE ON THIS
POPULAR LATE-NIGHT PROGRAM, I

AS WELL AS WORKING HERE ON THIS
POPULAR LATE-NIGHT PROGRAM, I
ALSO DO A MINUTE OF PRIME-TIME

POPULAR LATE-NIGHT PROGRAM, I
ALSO DO A MINUTE OF PRIME-TIME
NEWS EVERY NIGHT ON THE NETWORK.

ALSO DO A MINUTE OF PRIME-TIME
NEWS EVERY NIGHT ON THE NETWORK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS, OF COURSE.

NEWS EVERY NIGHT ON THE NETWORK.
EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS, OF COURSE.
THEY WORK ME HARD HERE.

EVERYBODY KNOWS THIS, OF COURSE.
THEY WORK ME HARD HERE.
I SOMETIMES DO LOCAL NEWS.

THEY WORK ME HARD HERE.
I SOMETIMES DO LOCAL NEWS.
I'M A WORKHORSE HERE.

I SOMETIMES DO LOCAL NEWS.
I'M A WORKHORSE HERE.
I PERFORM A LOT OF FUNCTIONS,

I'M A WORKHORSE HERE.
I PERFORM A LOT OF FUNCTIONS,
AND I'M IN THE NEWS.

I PERFORM A LOT OF FUNCTIONS,
AND I'M IN THE NEWS.
BUT EVEN WITH THAT 1-MINUTE

AND I'M IN THE NEWS.
BUT EVEN WITH THAT 1-MINUTE
EXPOSURE EVERY NIGHT [PUFFS]

BUT EVEN WITH THAT 1-MINUTE
EXPOSURE EVERY NIGHT [PUFFS]
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE

EXPOSURE EVERY NIGHT [PUFFS]
SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
HECK'S GOING ON, YOU KNOW?

SOMETIMES I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE
HECK'S GOING ON, YOU KNOW?
HOW IS A GUY LIKE YOU, WHO HAS

HECK'S GOING ON, YOU KNOW?
HOW IS A GUY LIKE YOU, WHO HAS
TO BRIEF THE PRESS CORPS... HOW

HOW IS A GUY LIKE YOU, WHO HAS
TO BRIEF THE PRESS CORPS... HOW
DOES A GUY LIKE YOU KEEP UP WITH

TO BRIEF THE PRESS CORPS... HOW
DOES A GUY LIKE YOU KEEP UP WITH
IT?

DOES A GUY LIKE YOU KEEP UP WITH
IT?
WELL, I READ THE VILLAGE

IT?
WELL, I READ THE VILLAGE
VOICE EVERY WEEK, AND I ALSO

WELL, I READ THE VILLAGE
VOICE EVERY WEEK, AND I ALSO
KNOW DAN SCHORR PERSONALLY.

VOICE EVERY WEEK, AND I ALSO
KNOW DAN SCHORR PERSONALLY.
I SEE. OKAY.

KNOW DAN SCHORR PERSONALLY.
I SEE. OKAY.
I'LL BUY THAT, I'LL BUY THAT.

I SEE. OKAY.
I'LL BUY THAT, I'LL BUY THAT.
NOW, WE HEAR A LOT OF STORIES IN

I'LL BUY THAT, I'LL BUY THAT.
NOW, WE HEAR A LOT OF STORIES IN
THE PRESS ABOUT THESE WILD

NOW, WE HEAR A LOT OF STORIES IN
THE PRESS ABOUT THESE WILD
PARTIES IN WASHINGTON AND THE

THE PRESS ABOUT THESE WILD
PARTIES IN WASHINGTON AND THE
STORIES, RUMORS, WHAT HAVE YOU,

PARTIES IN WASHINGTON AND THE
STORIES, RUMORS, WHAT HAVE YOU,
ABOUT SEX LIVES OF PRESIDENTS

STORIES, RUMORS, WHAT HAVE YOU,
ABOUT SEX LIVES OF PRESIDENTS
AND ALL THAT STUFF.

ABOUT SEX LIVES OF PRESIDENTS
AND ALL THAT STUFF.
IS THERE ANY TRUTH?

AND ALL THAT STUFF.
IS THERE ANY TRUTH?
THE TIDAL BASIN BOMBSHELL...

IS THERE ANY TRUTH?
THE TIDAL BASIN BOMBSHELL...
THAT WAS SUCH A BIG DARN THING.

THE TIDAL BASIN BOMBSHELL...
THAT WAS SUCH A BIG DARN THING.
IS THERE ANY TRUTH ABOUT THESE

THAT WAS SUCH A BIG DARN THING.
IS THERE ANY TRUTH ABOUT THESE
WILD PARTIES AND CALL GIRLS IN

IS THERE ANY TRUTH ABOUT THESE
WILD PARTIES AND CALL GIRLS IN
OUR NATION'S CAPITAL?

WILD PARTIES AND CALL GIRLS IN
OUR NATION'S CAPITAL?
WELL, NO, NO.

OUR NATION'S CAPITAL?
WELL, NO, NO.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, DEFINITELY

WELL, NO, NO.
AS FAR AS I KNOW, DEFINITELY
NOT.

AS FAR AS I KNOW, DEFINITELY
NOT.
NOW, OF COURSE, I SPEAK MAINLY

NOT.
NOW, OF COURSE, I SPEAK MAINLY
FOR MYSELF.

NOW, OF COURSE, I SPEAK MAINLY
FOR MYSELF.
YES, SIR.

FOR MYSELF.
YES, SIR.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS EVERYBODY

YES, SIR.
YOU KNOW, I GUESS EVERYBODY
IN WASHINGTON KNOWS

YOU KNOW, I GUESS EVERYBODY
IN WASHINGTON KNOWS
PRESIDENT FORD AND THE PEOPLE AT

IN WASHINGTON KNOWS
PRESIDENT FORD AND THE PEOPLE AT
THIS WHITE HOUSE NORMALLY GO TO

PRESIDENT FORD AND THE PEOPLE AT
THIS WHITE HOUSE NORMALLY GO TO
SLEEP ABOUT 9:00 EVERY NIGHT.

THIS WHITE HOUSE NORMALLY GO TO
SLEEP ABOUT 9:00 EVERY NIGHT.
WE USUALLY HAVE OUR MILK AND

SLEEP ABOUT 9:00 EVERY NIGHT.
WE USUALLY HAVE OUR MILK AND
COOKIES IN THE OVAL OFFICE.

WE USUALLY HAVE OUR MILK AND
COOKIES IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
AND THEN IF WE'VE BEEN GOOD, THE

COOKIES IN THE OVAL OFFICE.
AND THEN IF WE'VE BEEN GOOD, THE
PRESIDENT WILL READ US TWO OR

AND THEN IF WE'VE BEEN GOOD, THE
PRESIDENT WILL READ US TWO OR
THREE OF HIS FAVORITE GHOST

PRESIDENT WILL READ US TWO OR
THREE OF HIS FAVORITE GHOST
STORIES FROM "GRAND RAPIDS'S

THREE OF HIS FAVORITE GHOST
STORIES FROM "GRAND RAPIDS'S
GREATEST GHOSTS."

STORIES FROM "GRAND RAPIDS'S
GREATEST GHOSTS."
THEN WE GO UP TO THE WHITE HOUSE

GREATEST GHOSTS."
THEN WE GO UP TO THE WHITE HOUSE
DORM, AND THE PRESIDENT COMES

THEN WE GO UP TO THE WHITE HOUSE
DORM, AND THE PRESIDENT COMES
AND TUCKS US ALL IN.

DORM, AND THE PRESIDENT COMES
AND TUCKS US ALL IN.
NOW, IF WE'VE BEEN EXTRA GOOD,

AND TUCKS US ALL IN.
NOW, IF WE'VE BEEN EXTRA GOOD,
HE'LL LET US CAMP OUT IN THE

NOW, IF WE'VE BEEN EXTRA GOOD,
HE'LL LET US CAMP OUT IN THE
ROSE GARDEN WITH THE TENTS AND

HE'LL LET US CAMP OUT IN THE
ROSE GARDEN WITH THE TENTS AND
THE SLEEPING BAGS AND EVERYTHING

ROSE GARDEN WITH THE TENTS AND
THE SLEEPING BAGS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT.

THE SLEEPING BAGS AND EVERYTHING
LIKE THAT.
MM-HMM.

LIKE THAT.
MM-HMM.
SO, THERE IT IS, EVERYBODY.

MM-HMM.
SO, THERE IT IS, EVERYBODY.
YOU HEARD IT, EVERYBODY.

SO, THERE IT IS, EVERYBODY.
YOU HEARD IT, EVERYBODY.
THERE IT IS.

YOU HEARD IT, EVERYBODY.
THERE IT IS.
ALL THE TALES AND RUMORS ABOUT

THERE IT IS.
ALL THE TALES AND RUMORS ABOUT
ALL THAT WILD STUFF IN

ALL THE TALES AND RUMORS ABOUT
ALL THAT WILD STUFF IN
WASHINGTON IS JUST A LOAD OF

ALL THAT WILD STUFF IN
WASHINGTON IS JUST A LOAD OF
BULL.

WASHINGTON IS JUST A LOAD OF
BULL.
I SAID IT.

BULL.
I SAID IT.
I DON'T CARE.

I SAID IT.
I DON'T CARE.
I SAID IT... BULL.

I DON'T CARE.
I SAID IT... BULL.
I SAID IT.

I SAID IT... BULL.
I SAID IT.
[LAUGHING HEARTILY]

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION
NOW, SIR... MR. NESSEN... RON.

I'M GONNA ASK YOU A QUESTION
NOW, SIR... MR. NESSEN... RON.
YOU'RE OUT THERE EVERY DAY,

NOW, SIR... MR. NESSEN... RON.
YOU'RE OUT THERE EVERY DAY,
FIELDING QUESTIONS, AND I MIGHT

YOU'RE OUT THERE EVERY DAY,
FIELDING QUESTIONS, AND I MIGHT
SAY, SIR, THAT YOU DO A VERY

FIELDING QUESTIONS, AND I MIGHT
SAY, SIR, THAT YOU DO A VERY
GOOD JOB OF IT.

SAY, SIR, THAT YOU DO A VERY
GOOD JOB OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU DO, RON, WHEN

GOOD JOB OF IT.
WHAT DO YOU DO, RON, WHEN
SOMEBODY HANDS YOU A REALLY DUMB

WHAT DO YOU DO, RON, WHEN
SOMEBODY HANDS YOU A REALLY DUMB
QUESTION?

SOMEBODY HANDS YOU A REALLY DUMB
QUESTION?
WELL, USUALLY WHAT I DO IS I

QUESTION?
WELL, USUALLY WHAT I DO IS I
JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.

WELL, USUALLY WHAT I DO IS I
JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.
JUST IGNORE THEM?

JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.
JUST IGNORE THEM?
YEAH.

JUST IGNORE THEM?
YEAH.
JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.

YEAH.
JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.
JUST KIND OF MAKE THEM LOOK KIND

JUST COMPLETELY IGNORE THEM.
JUST KIND OF MAKE THEM LOOK KIND
OF...

JUST KIND OF MAKE THEM LOOK KIND
OF...
[LAUGHING]

OF...
[LAUGHING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. NESSEN,

[LAUGHING]
THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. NESSEN,
FOR BEING WITH US.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH, MR. NESSEN,
FOR BEING WITH US.
OUR NEXT GUEST... OF COURSE,

FOR BEING WITH US.
OUR NEXT GUEST... OF COURSE,
TOMORROW, THE WHOLE SHOW, WE'RE

OUR NEXT GUEST... OF COURSE,
TOMORROW, THE WHOLE SHOW, WE'RE
GONNA DEAL WITH THAT

TOMORROW, THE WHOLE SHOW, WE'RE
GONNA DEAL WITH THAT
CONTROVERSIAL HOMOSEXUAL BREEDER

GONNA DEAL WITH THAT
CONTROVERSIAL HOMOSEXUAL BREEDER
OF REPTILES, AND ALSO HE'S A

CONTROVERSIAL HOMOSEXUAL BREEDER
OF REPTILES, AND ALSO HE'S A
FAST-FOOD-CHAIN OWNER.

OF REPTILES, AND ALSO HE'S A
FAST-FOOD-CHAIN OWNER.
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BRING

FAST-FOOD-CHAIN OWNER.
BUT RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BRING
OUT A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO

BUT RIGHT NOW I'M GONNA BRING
OUT A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO
WE'VE GOT HERE WITH US TONIGHT.

OUT A VERY SPECIAL GUEST WHO
WE'VE GOT HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
THIS IS JIMMY CARTER'S CAMPAIGN

WE'VE GOT HERE WITH US TONIGHT.
THIS IS JIMMY CARTER'S CAMPAIGN
MANAGER.

THIS IS JIMMY CARTER'S CAMPAIGN
MANAGER.
HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

MANAGER.
HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
WE'RE VERY, VERY PLEASED TO HAVE

HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?
WE'RE VERY, VERY PLEASED TO HAVE
YOU WITH US, SIR, AND WE'RE

WE'RE VERY, VERY PLEASED TO HAVE
YOU WITH US, SIR, AND WE'RE
GONNA BE TALKING WITH HIM.

YOU WITH US, SIR, AND WE'RE
GONNA BE TALKING WITH HIM.
BUT RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR

GONNA BE TALKING WITH HIM.
BUT RIGHT NOW LET'S GO TO OUR
HOME MOVIE.

[MINSTREL MUSIC PLAYING]

♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT

♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪

♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN

SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN
OUR LIVES ♪

[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN
OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪

OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT

♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪

♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ HEAVEN TAKE

SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ HEAVEN TAKE
THE BEST ♪

[Harmonizing] ♪ HEAVEN TAKE
THE BEST ♪
♪ AND THE DEVIL TAKE THE REST ♪

THE BEST ♪
♪ AND THE DEVIL TAKE THE REST ♪
♪ AND SO WE SHALL GET RID OF

♪ AND THE DEVIL TAKE THE REST ♪
♪ AND SO WE SHALL GET RID OF
THEM ALL ♪

♪ AND SO WE SHALL GET RID OF
THEM ALL ♪
♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪

THEM ALL ♪
♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪
♪ LET EVERY MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪

♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪
♪ LET EVERY MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪
♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE

♪ LET EVERY MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪
♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE
FALL ♪

♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE
FALL ♪
♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪

FALL ♪
♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪

♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT

♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪

♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN

SMALL ♪
[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN
OUR LIVES ♪

[Harmonizing] ♪ ONCE IN
OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪

OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT

♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪

♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪
♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪

SMALL ♪
♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪
♪ LET EACH MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪

♪ TO THIS HEARTY WISH ♪
♪ LET EACH MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪
♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE

♪ LET EACH MAN TAKE HIS DISH ♪
♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE
FALL ♪

♪ AND DRINK, DRINK, TILL HE
FALL ♪
♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪

FALL ♪
♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪

♪ ONCE IN OUR LIVES ♪
♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT

♪ LET US DRINK TO OUR WIVES ♪
♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪

♪ THOUGH THEIR NUMBER BE BUT
SMALL ♪
[URINALS FLUSH IN UNISON]

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A

SUPER 8 OR 16-MILLIMETER HOME

MOVIE, SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND

CURRENT ADDRESS.

THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

COMPENSATION AT ALL.

AND NOW JULIUS MARCELLUS, THE
PRESS SECRETARY FOR
OEDIPUS THE KING.

PRESS SECRETARY FOR
OEDIPUS THE KING.
GENTLEMEN, I HAVE AN

OEDIPUS THE KING.
GENTLEMEN, I HAVE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE REGARDING

GENTLEMEN, I HAVE AN
ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE REGARDING
THE DOMESTIC SITUATION OF

ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE REGARDING
THE DOMESTIC SITUATION OF
OEDIPUS, OUR KING.

THE DOMESTIC SITUATION OF
OEDIPUS, OUR KING.
FROM NOW ON, THE QUEEN MOTHER

OEDIPUS, OUR KING.
FROM NOW ON, THE QUEEN MOTHER
WILL BE REFERRED TO AS THE QUEEN

FROM NOW ON, THE QUEEN MOTHER
WILL BE REFERRED TO AS THE QUEEN
WIFE.

WILL BE REFERRED TO AS THE QUEEN
WIFE.
REVOLUTIONARIES WHO WRITE ON

WIFE.
REVOLUTIONARIES WHO WRITE ON
WALLS ARE ASKED TO TAKE NOTE OF

REVOLUTIONARIES WHO WRITE ON
WALLS ARE ASKED TO TAKE NOTE OF
THIS AND MAKE THE APPROPRIATE

WALLS ARE ASKED TO TAKE NOTE OF
THIS AND MAKE THE APPROPRIATE
CHANGES TO THE SLOGAN, "UP

THIS AND MAKE THE APPROPRIATE
CHANGES TO THE SLOGAN, "UP
AGAINST THE WALL, MOTHER LOVER."

CHANGES TO THE SLOGAN, "UP
AGAINST THE WALL, MOTHER LOVER."
THANK YOU.

YOU DRIVE ME CRAZY WHEN YOU
DO THAT.
THAT'S WHY I DO IT.

DO THAT.
THAT'S WHY I DO IT.
[LAUGHS PLAYFULLY]

THAT'S WHY I DO IT.
[LAUGHS PLAYFULLY]
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

[LAUGHS PLAYFULLY]
OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
I TOLD YOU LAST TIME.

OH, NO, YOU DON'T.
I TOLD YOU LAST TIME.
COME ON.

I TOLD YOU LAST TIME.
COME ON.
DON'T GO PURITAN ON ME.

COME ON.
DON'T GO PURITAN ON ME.
YOU LOVE IT.

DON'T GO PURITAN ON ME.
YOU LOVE IT.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I LOVE.

YOU LOVE IT.
DON'T TELL ME WHAT I LOVE.
GO TELL IT TO THE SUPREME

DON'T TELL ME WHAT I LOVE.
GO TELL IT TO THE SUPREME
COURT.

GO TELL IT TO THE SUPREME
COURT.
[DOOR OPENS]

COURT.
[DOOR OPENS]
OH, MY GOD!

[DOOR OPENS]
OH, MY GOD!
WHO ARE YOU?

OH, MY GOD!
WHO ARE YOU?
All: WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.

WHO ARE YOU?
All: WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.
ON BEHALF OF THE HIGHEST

All: WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.
ON BEHALF OF THE HIGHEST
COURT IN THE LAND, I FEEL IT'S

ON BEHALF OF THE HIGHEST
COURT IN THE LAND, I FEEL IT'S
ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT YOU

COURT IN THE LAND, I FEEL IT'S
ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT YOU
CAN GET 5 TO 10 YEARS FOR WHERE

ONLY FAIR TO WARN YOU THAT YOU
CAN GET 5 TO 10 YEARS FOR WHERE
YOUR HAND IS RIGHT NOW!

CAN GET 5 TO 10 YEARS FOR WHERE
YOUR HAND IS RIGHT NOW!
NO PROBLEM.

YOUR HAND IS RIGHT NOW!
NO PROBLEM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

NO PROBLEM.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ACCORDING TO THE RECENT

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ACCORDING TO THE RECENT
SUPREME COURT RULING, THE

ACCORDING TO THE RECENT
SUPREME COURT RULING, THE
GOVERNMENT PROCLAIMED CERTAIN

SUPREME COURT RULING, THE
GOVERNMENT PROCLAIMED CERTAIN
UNORTHODOX SEXUAL ACTS AS CRIMES

GOVERNMENT PROCLAIMED CERTAIN
UNORTHODOX SEXUAL ACTS AS CRIMES
AGAINST NATURE AND THE STATE.

UNORTHODOX SEXUAL ACTS AS CRIMES
AGAINST NATURE AND THE STATE.
WAIT A MINUTE.

AGAINST NATURE AND THE STATE.
WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE CONSENTING ADULTS.

WAIT A MINUTE.
WE'RE CONSENTING ADULTS.
EVEN WHEN BOTH ADULTS ARE

WE'RE CONSENTING ADULTS.
EVEN WHEN BOTH ADULTS ARE
CONSENTING AND THE ACT OCCURS IN

EVEN WHEN BOTH ADULTS ARE
CONSENTING AND THE ACT OCCURS IN
PRIVATE.

CONSENTING AND THE ACT OCCURS IN
PRIVATE.
LEGALLY, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO

PRIVATE.
LEGALLY, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO
HEAR YOUR RIGHTS.

LEGALLY, YOU'RE ENTITLED TO
HEAR YOUR RIGHTS.
THEY MUST BE...

[LAUGHS]
THEY MUST BE JOKING.
YOU'RE JOKING.

THEY MUST BE JOKING.
YOU'RE JOKING.
LOOK, WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY

YOU'RE JOKING.
LOOK, WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY
LAWS.

LOOK, WE DON'T WANT TO BREAK ANY
LAWS.
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF NORMAL

LAWS.
WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF NORMAL
HETEROSEXUALS.

WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF NORMAL
HETEROSEXUALS.
I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING KINKY

HETEROSEXUALS.
I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING KINKY
HERE.

I MEAN, THERE'S NOTHING KINKY
HERE.
[BOTH LAUGHING]

HERE.
[BOTH LAUGHING]
WE'RE ENGAGED.

[BOTH LAUGHING]
WE'RE ENGAGED.
YEAH. A DIAMOND.

WE'RE ENGAGED.
YEAH. A DIAMOND.
DIAMOND.

YEAH. A DIAMOND.
DIAMOND.
[MUTTERING DISAPPROVINGLY]

DIAMOND.
[MUTTERING DISAPPROVINGLY]
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO OUR

[MUTTERING DISAPPROVINGLY]
WHAT BRINGS YOU TO OUR
BEDROOM?

WHAT BRINGS YOU TO OUR
BEDROOM?
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.

BEDROOM?
DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
JUST LOOK UPON IT AS A RANDOM

DON'T TAKE IT PERSONALLY.
JUST LOOK UPON IT AS A RANDOM
SPOT CHECK.

JUST LOOK UPON IT AS A RANDOM
SPOT CHECK.
GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING

SPOT CHECK.
GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING
AUDITED, HONEY.

GUESS IT'S KIND OF LIKE BEING
AUDITED, HONEY.
WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'M

AUDITED, HONEY.
WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'M
RHONDA GWEN PHILLIPS, AND I'D

WELL, IN THAT CASE, I'M
RHONDA GWEN PHILLIPS, AND I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FIANCé,

RHONDA GWEN PHILLIPS, AND I'D
LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FIANCé,
DUANE GRETZEN.

LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FIANCé,
DUANE GRETZEN.
HOW DO YOU?

DUANE GRETZEN.
HOW DO YOU?
[ALL TALKING]

HOW DO YOU?
[ALL TALKING]
OKAY! ALL RIGHT!

[ALL TALKING]
OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
ORDER. ORDER.

OKAY! ALL RIGHT!
ORDER. ORDER.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.

ORDER. ORDER.
ALL RIGHT, THEN.
OKAY, THEN.

ALL RIGHT, THEN.
OKAY, THEN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND

OKAY, THEN.
WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND
PROCEED WITH WHATEVER YOU WERE

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GO AHEAD AND
PROCEED WITH WHATEVER YOU WERE
DOING, AND WE'LL JUST PROCEED

PROCEED WITH WHATEVER YOU WERE
DOING, AND WE'LL JUST PROCEED
WITH WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO, ALL

DOING, AND WE'LL JUST PROCEED
WITH WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO, ALL
RIGHT?

WITH WHAT WE'RE HERE TO DO, ALL
RIGHT?
SO, WHY DON'T WE JUST SPREAD

RIGHT?
SO, WHY DON'T WE JUST SPREAD
OUT, AND WE'LL WATCH, OKAY?

SO, WHY DON'T WE JUST SPREAD
OUT, AND WE'LL WATCH, OKAY?
JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD.

OUT, AND WE'LL WATCH, OKAY?
JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD.
JUST GO AHEAD.

JUST GO RIGHT AHEAD.
JUST GO AHEAD.
HOW WILL WE KNOW IF WE'RE

JUST GO AHEAD.
HOW WILL WE KNOW IF WE'RE
DOING ANYTHING UNNATURAL?

HOW WILL WE KNOW IF WE'RE
DOING ANYTHING UNNATURAL?
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.

DOING ANYTHING UNNATURAL?
WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
OKAY. COME ON.

WE'LL LET YOU KNOW.
OKAY. COME ON.
JUST PRETEND WE'RE NOT HERE.

OKAY. COME ON.
JUST PRETEND WE'RE NOT HERE.
RELAX.

JUST PRETEND WE'RE NOT HERE.
RELAX.
HAVE FUN WITH IT.

I NEED ANOTHER OPINION HERE.
IS THAT LEGAL OR WHAT?
CONCURRENCE?

IS THAT LEGAL OR WHAT?
CONCURRENCE?
CONCURRENCE.

CONCURRENCE?
CONCURRENCE.
GENTLEMEN, GENTLEMEN.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
COME BACK.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

COME BACK.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
WE'VE REACHED A DECISION.

ALL RIGHT. OKAY.
WE'VE REACHED A DECISION.
WE HAVE REACHED A DECISION.

WE'VE REACHED A DECISION.
WE HAVE REACHED A DECISION.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOSE THE

WE HAVE REACHED A DECISION.
YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO LOSE THE
HIGH HEELS.

FINE.
FINE.
SO FAR THAT'S FINE.

FINE.
SO FAR THAT'S FINE.
NO, NO, NO... UNLAWFUL FONDLING.

SO FAR THAT'S FINE.
NO, NO, NO... UNLAWFUL FONDLING.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

NO, NO, NO... UNLAWFUL FONDLING.
WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
THAT'S A NO-NO!

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO!
THAT'S A NO-NO!
HEY, HEY, HEY.

THAT'S A NO-NO!
HEY, HEY, HEY.
IF THAT ELBOW WAS ANY LOWER,

HEY, HEY, HEY.
IF THAT ELBOW WAS ANY LOWER,
YOU'D BE PRESSING LICENSE PLATES

IF THAT ELBOW WAS ANY LOWER,
YOU'D BE PRESSING LICENSE PLATES
IN LEAVENWORTH, OKAY?

YOU'D BE PRESSING LICENSE PLATES
IN LEAVENWORTH, OKAY?
I DON'T LIKE THOSE BREATHING

IN LEAVENWORTH, OKAY?
I DON'T LIKE THOSE BREATHING
PATTERNS ONE BIT.

I DON'T LIKE THOSE BREATHING
PATTERNS ONE BIT.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT

PATTERNS ONE BIT.
I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT
WHERE THAT MOUTH IS HEADING.

I'M A LITTLE NERVOUS ABOUT
WHERE THAT MOUTH IS HEADING.
WOULD YOUR HONORS CONVENE

WHERE THAT MOUTH IS HEADING.
WOULD YOUR HONORS CONVENE
WITH ME TO DELIBERATE HOW LOW

WOULD YOUR HONORS CONVENE
WITH ME TO DELIBERATE HOW LOW
RHONDA'S TEETH MAY GO ON DUANE'S

WITH ME TO DELIBERATE HOW LOW
RHONDA'S TEETH MAY GO ON DUANE'S
TRUNK?

RHONDA'S TEETH MAY GO ON DUANE'S
TRUNK?
CONCUR!

TRUNK?
CONCUR!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!

CONCUR!
ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
OKAY.

ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT!
OKAY.
RHONDA, DUANE, THE HIGH COURT IS

OKAY.
RHONDA, DUANE, THE HIGH COURT IS
GONNA HAND DOWN A RULING.

RHONDA, DUANE, THE HIGH COURT IS
GONNA HAND DOWN A RULING.
RHONDA, HONEY, PLACE A

GONNA HAND DOWN A RULING.
RHONDA, HONEY, PLACE A
MORATORIUM ON THE BUTTERFLY

RHONDA, HONEY, PLACE A
MORATORIUM ON THE BUTTERFLY
FLICK AND STAY OUT OF THE

MORATORIUM ON THE BUTTERFLY
FLICK AND STAY OUT OF THE
SLAMMER, OKAY?

FLICK AND STAY OUT OF THE
SLAMMER, OKAY?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SLAMMER, OKAY?
WHAT DO YOU SAY?
BELIEVE ME.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?
BELIEVE ME.
IT WASN'T UNANIMOUS.

BELIEVE ME.
IT WASN'T UNANIMOUS.
IT WAS THE NIXON APPOINTEES.

IT WASN'T UNANIMOUS.
IT WAS THE NIXON APPOINTEES.
I THINK YOU'RE BOTH BEAUTIFUL.

IT WAS THE NIXON APPOINTEES.
I THINK YOU'RE BOTH BEAUTIFUL.
OH, THANK YOU.

I THINK YOU'RE BOTH BEAUTIFUL.
OH, THANK YOU.
BUT CAN I ASK A QUESTION ABOUT

OH, THANK YOU.
BUT CAN I ASK A QUESTION ABOUT
THE SUPREME COURT?

BUT CAN I ASK A QUESTION ABOUT
THE SUPREME COURT?
WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?

THE SUPREME COURT?
WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?
YEAH.

WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?
YEAH.
[SCATTERED COUGHING]

YEAH.
[SCATTERED COUGHING]
WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?

[SCATTERED COUGHING]
WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?
HUH. WOMEN, HUH?

WHY AREN'T THERE ANY WOMEN?
HUH. WOMEN, HUH?
WELL, THAT'S NOT STRICTLY TRUE.

HUH. WOMEN, HUH?
WELL, THAT'S NOT STRICTLY TRUE.
UH... THERE ARE WOMEN, OF COURSE.

WELL, THAT'S NOT STRICTLY TRUE.
UH... THERE ARE WOMEN, OF COURSE.
THERE JUST AREN'T ANY IN THE

UH... THERE ARE WOMEN, OF COURSE.
THERE JUST AREN'T ANY IN THE
SUPREME COURT.

THERE JUST AREN'T ANY IN THE
SUPREME COURT.
PRECISELY.

SUPREME COURT.
PRECISELY.
EXACTLY.

PRECISELY.
EXACTLY.
WELL, WE MUST DO THIS MORE

EXACTLY.
WELL, WE MUST DO THIS MORE
OFTEN.

WELL, WE MUST DO THIS MORE
OFTEN.
THANKS FOR COMING BY.

OFTEN.
THANKS FOR COMING BY.
[LAUGHS] THANKS.

THANKS FOR COMING BY.
[LAUGHS] THANKS.
IF YOU EVER NEED US AGAIN,

[LAUGHS] THANKS.
IF YOU EVER NEED US AGAIN,
JUST GIVE US A CALL, OKAY?

IF YOU EVER NEED US AGAIN,
JUST GIVE US A CALL, OKAY?
'CAUSE WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.

JUST GIVE US A CALL, OKAY?
'CAUSE WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.
All: ♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME

'CAUSE WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT.
All: ♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME
COURT ♪

All: ♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME
COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪
♪ WE'RE THE SUPREME COURT ♪

Announcer: AND NOW
JOHN QUINCY ROSS, PRESS
SECRETARY FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON.

JOHN QUINCY ROSS, PRESS
SECRETARY FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON.
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS,

SECRETARY FOR THOMAS JEFFERSON.
GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS,
PRESIDENT JEFFERSON HAS ASKED ME

GENTLEMEN OF THE PRESS,
PRESIDENT JEFFERSON HAS ASKED ME
TO CLARIFY HIS POSITION ON TWO

PRESIDENT JEFFERSON HAS ASKED ME
TO CLARIFY HIS POSITION ON TWO
KEY ISSUES FOR WHICH HE'S BEEN

TO CLARIFY HIS POSITION ON TWO
KEY ISSUES FOR WHICH HE'S BEEN
CRITICIZED.

KEY ISSUES FOR WHICH HE'S BEEN
CRITICIZED.
FIRST OF ALL, THE AUTHOR OF THE

CRITICIZED.
FIRST OF ALL, THE AUTHOR OF THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE DOES

FIRST OF ALL, THE AUTHOR OF THE
DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE DOES
NOT HAVE SLAVES ON HIS VIRGINIA

DECLARATION OF INDEPENDENCE DOES
NOT HAVE SLAVES ON HIS VIRGINIA
PLANTATION.

NOT HAVE SLAVES ON HIS VIRGINIA
PLANTATION.
THOSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY

PLANTATION.
THOSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY
6,000 CLOSE RELATIVES WHO HAPPEN

THOSE BLACK PEOPLE ARE SIMPLY
6,000 CLOSE RELATIVES WHO HAPPEN
TO ENJOY PICKING COTTON 20 HOURS

6,000 CLOSE RELATIVES WHO HAPPEN
TO ENJOY PICKING COTTON 20 HOURS
A DAY UNDER A BLAZING SUN.

TO ENJOY PICKING COTTON 20 HOURS
A DAY UNDER A BLAZING SUN.
IT'S SORT OF A FAMILY RITUAL.

A DAY UNDER A BLAZING SUN.
IT'S SORT OF A FAMILY RITUAL.
SECONDLY, MR. JEFFERSON ASKED ME

IT'S SORT OF A FAMILY RITUAL.
SECONDLY, MR. JEFFERSON ASKED ME
IF I'D TELL THE REPORTERS THAT

SECONDLY, MR. JEFFERSON ASKED ME
IF I'D TELL THE REPORTERS THAT
THE $15 MILLION HE SPENT ON THE

IF I'D TELL THE REPORTERS THAT
THE $15 MILLION HE SPENT ON THE
LOUISIANA PURCHASE WAS A WISE

THE $15 MILLION HE SPENT ON THE
LOUISIANA PURCHASE WAS A WISE
MOVE.

LOUISIANA PURCHASE WAS A WISE
MOVE.
NOT ONLY WILL IT PROVIDE US WITH

MOVE.
NOT ONLY WILL IT PROVIDE US WITH
A FRONTIER THAT WILL MORE THAN

NOT ONLY WILL IT PROVIDE US WITH
A FRONTIER THAT WILL MORE THAN
DOUBLE OUR NATION'S SIZE, BUT IT

A FRONTIER THAT WILL MORE THAN
DOUBLE OUR NATION'S SIZE, BUT IT
WILL ALSO INCLUDE AN AREA WHICH

DOUBLE OUR NATION'S SIZE, BUT IT
WILL ALSO INCLUDE AN AREA WHICH
WILL BE CALLED LATER SOUTHERN

WILL ALSO INCLUDE AN AREA WHICH
WILL BE CALLED LATER SOUTHERN
ARIZONA, AND THAT WILL BECOME

WILL BE CALLED LATER SOUTHERN
ARIZONA, AND THAT WILL BECOME
THE AREA OF THE DINAH SHORE

ARIZONA, AND THAT WILL BECOME
THE AREA OF THE DINAH SHORE
WOMEN'S GOLF CLASSIC.

THE AREA OF THE DINAH SHORE
WOMEN'S GOLF CLASSIC.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, HERE IS
BILL CRYSTAL.
[APPLAUSE]

BILL CRYSTAL.
[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THAT WARM WELCOME.

THANK YOU.
THANK YOU FOR THAT WARM WELCOME.
VERY OFTEN NEW COMEDIANS LIKE

THANK YOU FOR THAT WARM WELCOME.
VERY OFTEN NEW COMEDIANS LIKE
ME... WE HAVE A ROUGH TIME,

VERY OFTEN NEW COMEDIANS LIKE
ME... WE HAVE A ROUGH TIME,
ESPECIALLY IN A BIG CONCERT.

ME... WE HAVE A ROUGH TIME,
ESPECIALLY IN A BIG CONCERT.
OFTEN WE'LL GET NO BILLING.

ESPECIALLY IN A BIG CONCERT.
OFTEN WE'LL GET NO BILLING.
THE AUDIENCE WILL HAVE NO IDEA

OFTEN WE'LL GET NO BILLING.
THE AUDIENCE WILL HAVE NO IDEA
THERE'S AN OPENING ACT, AND IT'S

THE AUDIENCE WILL HAVE NO IDEA
THERE'S AN OPENING ACT, AND IT'S
NOT FAIR.

THERE'S AN OPENING ACT, AND IT'S
NOT FAIR.
I COME OUT.

NOT FAIR.
I COME OUT.
3,000 PEOPLE HAVE TIMED THEIR

I COME OUT.
3,000 PEOPLE HAVE TIMED THEIR
DRUGS FOR THE HEADLINER.

3,000 PEOPLE HAVE TIMED THEIR
DRUGS FOR THE HEADLINER.
WHOA!

DRUGS FOR THE HEADLINER.
WHOA!
IT CAN BE DIFFICULT.

WHOA!
IT CAN BE DIFFICULT.
BUT I STARTED PERFORMING WHEN I

IT CAN BE DIFFICULT.
BUT I STARTED PERFORMING WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE BOY.

BUT I STARTED PERFORMING WHEN I
WAS A LITTLE BOY.
MY FAMILY WAS IN THE JAZZ

WAS A LITTLE BOY.
MY FAMILY WAS IN THE JAZZ
RECORDING BUSINESS.

MY FAMILY WAS IN THE JAZZ
RECORDING BUSINESS.
WE OWNED A LABEL CALLED THE

RECORDING BUSINESS.
WE OWNED A LABEL CALLED THE
COMMODORE JAZZ LABEL.

WE OWNED A LABEL CALLED THE
COMMODORE JAZZ LABEL.
WE RECORDED ALL THE GREAT PEOPLE

COMMODORE JAZZ LABEL.
WE RECORDED ALL THE GREAT PEOPLE
LIKE BILLIE HOLIDAY,

WE RECORDED ALL THE GREAT PEOPLE
LIKE BILLIE HOLIDAY,
EDDIE CONDON, ALL THE GREAT OLD

LIKE BILLIE HOLIDAY,
EDDIE CONDON, ALL THE GREAT OLD
PLAYERS.

EDDIE CONDON, ALL THE GREAT OLD
PLAYERS.
MY DAD USED TO PRODUCE THEM IN

PLAYERS.
MY DAD USED TO PRODUCE THEM IN
CONCERT, AND THAT'S WHERE I WAS

MY DAD USED TO PRODUCE THEM IN
CONCERT, AND THAT'S WHERE I WAS
BROUGHT UP, BACKSTAGE, AND THESE

CONCERT, AND THAT'S WHERE I WAS
BROUGHT UP, BACKSTAGE, AND THESE
OLD PLAYERS WERE MY FRIENDS.

BROUGHT UP, BACKSTAGE, AND THESE
OLD PLAYERS WERE MY FRIENDS.
IT WAS A GREAT PERIOD IN MY

OLD PLAYERS WERE MY FRIENDS.
IT WAS A GREAT PERIOD IN MY
LIFE.

IT WAS A GREAT PERIOD IN MY
LIFE.
THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME "FACE."

LIFE.
THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME "FACE."
"FACE" IS A HIP JAZZ TERM FOR A

THEY ALWAYS CALLED ME "FACE."
"FACE" IS A HIP JAZZ TERM FOR A
CUTE KID OR REALLY PRETTY LADY.

"FACE" IS A HIP JAZZ TERM FOR A
CUTE KID OR REALLY PRETTY LADY.
THEY ALWAYS CALLED THEM "FACE."

CUTE KID OR REALLY PRETTY LADY.
THEY ALWAYS CALLED THEM "FACE."
I HADN'T SEEN ANY OF THEM IN

THEY ALWAYS CALLED THEM "FACE."
I HADN'T SEEN ANY OF THEM IN
ABOUT 15 YEARS TILL, ABOUT 2

I HADN'T SEEN ANY OF THEM IN
ABOUT 15 YEARS TILL, ABOUT 2
MONTHS AGO, I WAS PASSING A

ABOUT 15 YEARS TILL, ABOUT 2
MONTHS AGO, I WAS PASSING A
LITTLE CLUB IN THE VILLAGE,

MONTHS AGO, I WAS PASSING A
LITTLE CLUB IN THE VILLAGE,
RECOGNIZED THE NAME OF A REAL

LITTLE CLUB IN THE VILLAGE,
RECOGNIZED THE NAME OF A REAL
OLD GREAT FRIEND OF MINE.

RECOGNIZED THE NAME OF A REAL
OLD GREAT FRIEND OF MINE.
I WENT TO SEE HIM, SENT HIM A

OLD GREAT FRIEND OF MINE.
I WENT TO SEE HIM, SENT HIM A
NOTE, AND WE HAD A REAL SWEET

I WENT TO SEE HIM, SENT HIM A
NOTE, AND WE HAD A REAL SWEET
REUNION BACKSTAGE.

NOTE, AND WE HAD A REAL SWEET
REUNION BACKSTAGE.
[SAXOPHONE PLAYING JAZZ MUSIC]

[Raspy voice] YES, YES,
YES, YES, YES.
DA FACE!

YES, YES, YES.
DA FACE!
YES, YES, YES, YES.

DA FACE!
YES, YES, YES, YES.
THIS IS HEAVY.

YES, YES, YES, YES.
THIS IS HEAVY.
THIS IS HEAVY.

THIS IS HEAVY.
THIS IS HEAVY.
YES, YES.

THIS IS HEAVY.
YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' SO NICE, FACE.

YES, YES, YES.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' SO NICE, FACE.
JUST SO NICE TO SEE YA.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' SO NICE, FACE.
JUST SO NICE TO SEE YA.
I'M OKAY.

JUST SO NICE TO SEE YA.
I'M OKAY.
I'M FEELIN' COPACETIC.

I'M OKAY.
I'M FEELIN' COPACETIC.
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

I'M FEELIN' COPACETIC.
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
YEAH.

YES, YES, YES, YES.
YEAH.
YOU BEEN DOIN' SO MANY THINGS.

YEAH.
YOU BEEN DOIN' SO MANY THINGS.
I BEEN SEEIN' YA POPPIN' UP ON

YOU BEEN DOIN' SO MANY THINGS.
I BEEN SEEIN' YA POPPIN' UP ON
THE TUBE.

I BEEN SEEIN' YA POPPIN' UP ON
THE TUBE.
IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YA.

THE TUBE.
IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YA.
ABSOLUTELY CHARMING.

IT'S LOVELY TO SEE YA.
ABSOLUTELY CHARMING.
HEY, FACE, DO YOU REMEMBER THE

ABSOLUTELY CHARMING.
HEY, FACE, DO YOU REMEMBER THE
FIRST JOKE I EVER DID TELL YOU?

HEY, FACE, DO YOU REMEMBER THE
FIRST JOKE I EVER DID TELL YOU?
YOU DO?

FIRST JOKE I EVER DID TELL YOU?
YOU DO?
DO IT WITH ME.

YOU DO?
DO IT WITH ME.
IT'S ABOUT OLD ZOOTY.

DO IT WITH ME.
IT'S ABOUT OLD ZOOTY.
YES. DO IT.

IT'S ABOUT OLD ZOOTY.
YES. DO IT.
ZOOTY GOES INTO THE BARBERSHOP,

YES. DO IT.
ZOOTY GOES INTO THE BARBERSHOP,
AND HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH

ZOOTY GOES INTO THE BARBERSHOP,
AND HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH
IS A HAIRCUT?"

AND HE SAYS, "HEY, MAN, HOW MUCH
IS A HAIRCUT?"
AND THE HAIRCUT MAN... HE SAYS,

IS A HAIRCUT?"
AND THE HAIRCUT MAN... HE SAYS,
"HAIRCUT'S $2."

AND THE HAIRCUT MAN... HE SAYS,
"HAIRCUT'S $2."
ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW.

"HAIRCUT'S $2."
ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW.
HOW MUCH IS A SHAVE?"

ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW.
HOW MUCH IS A SHAVE?"
HE SAYS, "SHAVE'S A DOLLAR."

HOW MUCH IS A SHAVE?"
HE SAYS, "SHAVE'S A DOLLAR."
ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW, BABY.

HE SAYS, "SHAVE'S A DOLLAR."
ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW, BABY.
SHAVE IT."

ZOOTY SAYS, "WOW, BABY.
SHAVE IT."
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.

SHAVE IT."
YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
THAT'S LOVELY.

YES, YES, YES, YES, YES.
THAT'S LOVELY.
YES, YES.

THAT'S LOVELY.
YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES.
I'M OKAY.

YES, YES.
I'M OKAY.
I'M GIGGIN'.

I'M OKAY.
I'M GIGGIN'.
I'M GIGGIN' ALL THE TIME.

I'M GIGGIN'.
I'M GIGGIN' ALL THE TIME.
ALL THE TIME.

I'M GIGGIN' ALL THE TIME.
ALL THE TIME.
I HAD SOME PROBLEM WITH MY TEETH

ALL THE TIME.
I HAD SOME PROBLEM WITH MY TEETH
A WHILE BACK.

I HAD SOME PROBLEM WITH MY TEETH
A WHILE BACK.
YES, YES.

A WHILE BACK.
YES, YES.
DIDN'T HAVE NONE.

YES, YES.
DIDN'T HAVE NONE.
YES, YES, YES, YES.

DIDN'T HAVE NONE.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
IT WAS LOW.

YES, YES, YES, YES.
IT WAS LOW.
I HAD TO GET SOME NEW DENTAL

IT WAS LOW.
I HAD TO GET SOME NEW DENTAL
WORK DONE ON MY CHOPS, YES.

I HAD TO GET SOME NEW DENTAL
WORK DONE ON MY CHOPS, YES.
I HAD NO BREAD, YOU KNOW, SO I

WORK DONE ON MY CHOPS, YES.
I HAD NO BREAD, YOU KNOW, SO I
HAD TO HOCK MY HORN, YOU KNOW,

I HAD NO BREAD, YOU KNOW, SO I
HAD TO HOCK MY HORN, YOU KNOW,
TO GET MY TEETH FIXED.

HAD TO HOCK MY HORN, YOU KNOW,
TO GET MY TEETH FIXED.
YEAH, BUT THEN I WAS LOOKIN'

TO GET MY TEETH FIXED.
YEAH, BUT THEN I WAS LOOKIN'
GOOD.

YEAH, BUT THEN I WAS LOOKIN'
GOOD.
I WAS LOOKIN' SASSY.

GOOD.
I WAS LOOKIN' SASSY.
LIKE JAWS-AWS-AWS-AWS-AWS.

I WAS LOOKIN' SASSY.
LIKE JAWS-AWS-AWS-AWS-AWS.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

LIKE JAWS-AWS-AWS-AWS-AWS.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.
WHAT? HUH? NO.

YES, YES, YES.
WHAT? HUH? NO.
THAT'S COOL.

WHAT? HUH? NO.
THAT'S COOL.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA SAY

THAT'S COOL.
I THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA SAY
SOMETHING.

I THOUGHT YOU WAS GONNA SAY
SOMETHING.
I WAS IN ITALY.

SOMETHING.
I WAS IN ITALY.
YEAH, I WAS THERE WITH OLD POPS

I WAS IN ITALY.
YEAH, I WAS THERE WITH OLD POPS
BEN WEBSTER.

YEAH, I WAS THERE WITH OLD POPS
BEN WEBSTER.
WE HAD A LOVELY TIME.

BEN WEBSTER.
WE HAD A LOVELY TIME.
LOVE THE ITALIAN FOLKS.

WE HAD A LOVELY TIME.
LOVE THE ITALIAN FOLKS.
THEY'S CHARMING.

LOVE THE ITALIAN FOLKS.
THEY'S CHARMING.
ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.

THEY'S CHARMING.
ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.
WE WENT TO A CONCERT THAT WAS

ABSOLUTELY LOVELY.
WE WENT TO A CONCERT THAT WAS
GIVEN BY ROMANO MUSSOLINI.

WE WENT TO A CONCERT THAT WAS
GIVEN BY ROMANO MUSSOLINI.
YES, YES, YES, YES.

GIVEN BY ROMANO MUSSOLINI.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
HE'S THE SON OF IL DUCE.

YES, YES, YES, YES.
HE'S THE SON OF IL DUCE.
YES, YES, YES, YES.

HE'S THE SON OF IL DUCE.
YES, YES, YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES, YES, YES, YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES.
ROMANO... HE DON'T PLAY TOO

YES, YES.
ROMANO... HE DON'T PLAY TOO
GOOD.

ROMANO... HE DON'T PLAY TOO
GOOD.
HE STUNK UP THE JOINT.

GOOD.
HE STUNK UP THE JOINT.
AND WE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE WE

HE STUNK UP THE JOINT.
AND WE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE WE
KNOW WE'S GONNA GO BACKSTAGE,

AND WE WAS NERVOUS 'CAUSE WE
KNOW WE'S GONNA GO BACKSTAGE,
AND HE'S GONNA SAY, "HEY, POPS,

KNOW WE'S GONNA GO BACKSTAGE,
AND HE'S GONNA SAY, "HEY, POPS,
WHAT'D YOU THINK ABOUT THE SET?"

AND HE'S GONNA SAY, "HEY, POPS,
WHAT'D YOU THINK ABOUT THE SET?"
AND WEBSTER... HE'S TOO KIND TO

WHAT'D YOU THINK ABOUT THE SET?"
AND WEBSTER... HE'S TOO KIND TO
TELL HIM THAT HE STUNK UP THE

AND WEBSTER... HE'S TOO KIND TO
TELL HIM THAT HE STUNK UP THE
JOINT.

TELL HIM THAT HE STUNK UP THE
JOINT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

JOINT.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?
YES, YES, YES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?
YES, YES, YES.
SURE ENOUGH, WE WATCH HIM.

YES, YES, YES.
SURE ENOUGH, WE WATCH HIM.
HE LOUSY.

SURE ENOUGH, WE WATCH HIM.
HE LOUSY.
WE GO BACKSTAGE, AND HE SAYS,

HE LOUSY.
WE GO BACKSTAGE, AND HE SAYS,
"HEY, POPS, WHAT'D YOU THINK

WE GO BACKSTAGE, AND HE SAYS,
"HEY, POPS, WHAT'D YOU THINK
ABOUT THE SET?"

"HEY, POPS, WHAT'D YOU THINK
ABOUT THE SET?"
AND WEBSTER... HE DON'T KNOW

ABOUT THE SET?"
AND WEBSTER... HE DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, AND HE GOES, UH,

AND WEBSTER... HE DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY, AND HE GOES, UH,
"HEY, MAN, IT WAS A DRAG WHAT

WHAT TO SAY, AND HE GOES, UH,
"HEY, MAN, IT WAS A DRAG WHAT
THEY DID TO YOUR FATHER."

"HEY, MAN, IT WAS A DRAG WHAT
THEY DID TO YOUR FATHER."
WE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED,

THEY DID TO YOUR FATHER."
WE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED,
YES.

WE JUST LAUGHED AND LAUGHED,
YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YES, YES, YES.
WHAT? I'M COMIN'.

YES, YES, YES.
WHAT? I'M COMIN'.
I GOT TO GO DO THE SECOND SET.

WHAT? I'M COMIN'.
I GOT TO GO DO THE SECOND SET.
YES.

I GOT TO GO DO THE SECOND SET.
YES.
AIN'T NOBODY THERE, BUT WE GONNA

YES.
AIN'T NOBODY THERE, BUT WE GONNA
DO IT ANYHOW.

AIN'T NOBODY THERE, BUT WE GONNA
DO IT ANYHOW.
HEY, FACE, IT WAS SO LOVELY TO

DO IT ANYHOW.
HEY, FACE, IT WAS SO LOVELY TO
SEE YA.

HEY, FACE, IT WAS SO LOVELY TO
SEE YA.
ABSOLUTELY CHARMING TO SEE YA.

SEE YA.
ABSOLUTELY CHARMING TO SEE YA.
KEEP IT TOGETHER.

ABSOLUTELY CHARMING TO SEE YA.
KEEP IT TOGETHER.
YEAH, DON'T EVER STOP.

KEEP IT TOGETHER.
YEAH, DON'T EVER STOP.
IT'S HAPPENIN' NOW, AND IT'S SO

YEAH, DON'T EVER STOP.
IT'S HAPPENIN' NOW, AND IT'S SO
LOVELY TO SEE.

IT'S HAPPENIN' NOW, AND IT'S SO
LOVELY TO SEE.
YEAH.

LOVELY TO SEE.
YEAH.
NEVER QUIT.

YEAH.
NEVER QUIT.
MAYBE GET A TEACHING GIG TO FALL

NEVER QUIT.
MAYBE GET A TEACHING GIG TO FALL
BACK ON, YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE

MAYBE GET A TEACHING GIG TO FALL
BACK ON, YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE
THE GIG DON'T HAPPEN.

BACK ON, YOU KNOW, JUST IN CASE
THE GIG DON'T HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?

THE GIG DON'T HAPPEN.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?
YES.

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M TALKIN' ABOUT?
YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?

YES.
CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.

CAN YOU DIG IT?
I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YEAH.

I KNEW THAT YOU COULD.
YEAH.
IT CAN BE A SWEET LIFE, FACE.

YEAH.
IT CAN BE A SWEET LIFE, FACE.
I GOT ALL THAT I NEED.

IT CAN BE A SWEET LIFE, FACE.
I GOT ALL THAT I NEED.
GOD BLESS US.

I GOT ALL THAT I NEED.
GOD BLESS US.
STILL GOT MY OLD LADY AND MY

GOD BLESS US.
STILL GOT MY OLD LADY AND MY
HORN.

STILL GOT MY OLD LADY AND MY
HORN.
AND YOU KNOW I GOT THE MUSIC.

HORN.
AND YOU KNOW I GOT THE MUSIC.
HEY, FACE, WHEREVER YOU GO, JUST

AND YOU KNOW I GOT THE MUSIC.
HEY, FACE, WHEREVER YOU GO, JUST
REMEMBER THAT, WELL...

HEY, FACE, WHEREVER YOU GO, JUST
REMEMBER THAT, WELL...
LOVE YOU MADLY.

REMEMBER THAT, WELL...
LOVE YOU MADLY.
[FINALE PLAYS]

LOVE YOU MADLY.
[FINALE PLAYS]
[APPLAUSE]

GOOD EVENING, AND WELCOME TO
ANOTHER EPISODE OF
"MISCONCEPTION," THE SHOW THAT

ANOTHER EPISODE OF
"MISCONCEPTION," THE SHOW THAT
ATTEMPTS TO DISPROVE UNFOUNDED

"MISCONCEPTION," THE SHOW THAT
ATTEMPTS TO DISPROVE UNFOUNDED
CLICHéS THAT HAVE INEXPLICABLY

ATTEMPTS TO DISPROVE UNFOUNDED
CLICHéS THAT HAVE INEXPLICABLY
BEEN PART OF OUR LANGUAGE FOR

CLICHéS THAT HAVE INEXPLICABLY
BEEN PART OF OUR LANGUAGE FOR
MANY YEARS.

BEEN PART OF OUR LANGUAGE FOR
MANY YEARS.
TONIGHT IT'S OUR PURPOSE TO

MANY YEARS.
TONIGHT IT'S OUR PURPOSE TO
REFUTE THE WIDELY BELIEVED

TONIGHT IT'S OUR PURPOSE TO
REFUTE THE WIDELY BELIEVED
MISCONCEPTION THAT TOO MANY

REFUTE THE WIDELY BELIEVED
MISCONCEPTION THAT TOO MANY
COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH.

MISCONCEPTION THAT TOO MANY
COOKS SPOIL THE BROTH.
[ALL TALKING]

BONJOUR, BONJOUR.

[French accent] THIS IS THE
BEST BROTH I HAVE EVER TASTED!
All: AHH!

BEST BROTH I HAVE EVER TASTED!
All: AHH!
BOURGEOIS!

All: AHH!
BOURGEOIS!
BOURGEOIS.

BOURGEOIS!
BOURGEOIS.
BOURGEOIS.

BOURGEOIS.
BOURGEOIS.
TUNE IN AGAIN NEXT WEEK, WHEN

BOURGEOIS.
TUNE IN AGAIN NEXT WEEK, WHEN
"MISCONCEPTION" ATTEMPTS TO

TUNE IN AGAIN NEXT WEEK, WHEN
"MISCONCEPTION" ATTEMPTS TO
SHOW THAT A CAT DOES NOT HAVE

"MISCONCEPTION" ATTEMPTS TO
SHOW THAT A CAT DOES NOT HAVE
MORE THAN ONE LIFE.

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN,
PATTI SMITH GROUP.

GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN,
PATTI SMITH GROUP.
WE, THE PEOPLE OF THE

PATTI SMITH GROUP.
WE, THE PEOPLE OF THE
UNITED STATES, IN ORDER TO FORM

WE, THE PEOPLE OF THE
UNITED STATES, IN ORDER TO FORM
A MORE PERFECT UNION...

UNITED STATES, IN ORDER TO FORM
A MORE PERFECT UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT

A MORE PERFECT UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT
UNION...

IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT
UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT

UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT
UNION...

IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT
UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT!

UNION...
IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT!
[INTRODUCTION TO

IN ORDER TO FORM A MORE PERFECT!
[INTRODUCTION TO
"MY GENERATION" PLAYS]

[INTRODUCTION TO
"MY GENERATION" PLAYS]
♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT US DOWN ♪

["MY GENERATION" PLAYS]
♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT US DOWN ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT US DOWN ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE WE G-G-GET

GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE WE G-G-GET
AROUND ♪

♪ JUST BECAUSE WE G-G-GET
AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ I DON'T DIG THE

GENERATION ♪
♪ I DON'T DIG THE
CENSORSHIP ♪

♪ I DON'T DIG THE
CENSORSHIP ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

CENSORSHIP ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET

GENERATION ♪
♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET
OLD ♪

♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET
OLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

OLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ WHY DON'T YOU ALL F-FADE

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ WHY DON'T YOU ALL F-FADE
AWAY? ♪

♪ WHY DON'T YOU ALL F-FADE
AWAY? ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

AWAY? ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ DON'T TRY TO DIG WHAT WE

GENERATION ♪
♪ DON'T TRY TO DIG WHAT WE
ALL S-S-SAY ♪

♪ DON'T TRY TO DIG WHAT WE
ALL S-S-SAY ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

ALL S-S-SAY ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO CAUSE A

GENERATION ♪
♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO CAUSE A
BIG SENSATION ♪

♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO CAUSE A
BIG SENSATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

BIG SENSATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL SOLO]

♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT US DOWN ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE WE GET

GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE WE GET
AROUND ♪

♪ JUST BECAUSE WE GET
AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ THINGS THEY DO LOOK AWFUL

GENERATION ♪
♪ THINGS THEY DO LOOK AWFUL
C-COLD ♪

♪ THINGS THEY DO LOOK AWFUL
C-COLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

C-COLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET

GENERATION ♪
♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET
OLD ♪

♪ HOPE I DIE BEFORE I GET
OLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

OLD ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ YEAH ♪
♪ M-M-M-MY GENERATION ♪

♪ YEAH ♪
♪ M-M-M-MY GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION ♪

♪ M-M-M-MY GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION ♪
♪ OH! ♪

♪ MY GENERATION ♪
♪ OH! ♪
♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT ME DOWN ♪

♪ OH! ♪
♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT ME DOWN ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

♪ PEOPLE TRY TO PUT ME DOWN ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE I G-G-GET

GENERATION ♪
♪ JUST BECAUSE I G-G-GET
AROUND ♪

♪ JUST BECAUSE I G-G-GET
AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

AROUND ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO START A

GENERATION ♪
♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO START A
NEW SENSATION ♪

♪ I'M NOT TRYING TO START A
NEW SENSATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

NEW SENSATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
G-G-GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
G-G-GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY

G-G-GENERATION ♪
♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪

♪ TALKIN' 'BOUT MY
GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

GENERATION ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ OH, YEAH! ♪

♪ MY GENERATION, BABY ♪
♪ OH, YEAH! ♪
♪ OH! ♪

KILL IT!
FOREIGN!
DOMESTIC!

FOREIGN!
DOMESTIC!
SING WITH ME!

DOMESTIC!
SING WITH ME!
KILL IT!

SING WITH ME!
KILL IT!
KILL IT!

♪ I'M SO GOD... ♪
♪ I'M SO GODDAMN YOUNG! ♪
♪ I'M SO... ♪

♪ I'M SO GODDAMN YOUNG! ♪
♪ I'M SO... ♪
♪ I'M SO GODDAMN YOUNG! ♪

♪ I'M SO... ♪
♪ I'M SO GODDAMN YOUNG! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ I'M SO GODDAMN YOUNG! ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
KILL CENSORSHIP!

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
KILL CENSORSHIP!
ROCK 'N' ROLL!

[BAND PLAYS SOFTLY]
BEFORE I SAY GOOD NIGHT, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT TONI BASIL

BEFORE I SAY GOOD NIGHT, I
WANT TO TELL YOU THAT TONI BASIL
AND THE MUPPETS COULD NOT BE

WANT TO TELL YOU THAT TONI BASIL
AND THE MUPPETS COULD NOT BE
HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE OF

AND THE MUPPETS COULD NOT BE
HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE OF
TECHNICAL COMPLICATIONS, BUT

HERE TONIGHT BECAUSE OF
TECHNICAL COMPLICATIONS, BUT
THEY WILL BE BACK SOON.

TECHNICAL COMPLICATIONS, BUT
THEY WILL BE BACK SOON.
NEXT WEEK, THE HOST ON THE SHOW

THEY WILL BE BACK SOON.
NEXT WEEK, THE HOST ON THE SHOW
IS GOING TO BE RAQUEL WELCH.

NEXT WEEK, THE HOST ON THE SHOW
IS GOING TO BE RAQUEL WELCH.
NOW THEY TELL ME.

IS GOING TO BE RAQUEL WELCH.
NOW THEY TELL ME.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME OVER

NOW THEY TELL ME.
YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME OVER
THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS WHEN I

YOU KNOW, THERE WAS A TIME OVER
THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS WHEN I
WASN'T REALLY SURE I WAS GONNA

THE PAST COUPLE OF DAYS WHEN I
WASN'T REALLY SURE I WAS GONNA
GET THROUGH THIS SHOW, AND NOW

WASN'T REALLY SURE I WAS GONNA
GET THROUGH THIS SHOW, AND NOW
IT'S OVER, AND I'M SORRY IT'S

GET THROUGH THIS SHOW, AND NOW
IT'S OVER, AND I'M SORRY IT'S
OVER 'CAUSE I HAD A LOT OF FUN

IT'S OVER, AND I'M SORRY IT'S
OVER 'CAUSE I HAD A LOT OF FUN
DOING THIS, WHICH IS SOMETHING

OVER 'CAUSE I HAD A LOT OF FUN
DOING THIS, WHICH IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.

DOING THIS, WHICH IS SOMETHING
I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE REALLY

I'VE NEVER DONE BEFORE.
AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE REALLY
NIFTY WHO PUT THIS SHOW ON.

AND IT'S BECAUSE OF THE REALLY
NIFTY WHO PUT THIS SHOW ON.
HERE THEY ARE.

NIFTY WHO PUT THIS SHOW ON.
HERE THEY ARE.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN DOING IT.

HERE THEY ARE.
I'VE HAD A LOT OF FUN DOING IT.
[APPLAUSE]

WE HAVE, UH...
WE HAVE ONE MINUTE TO KILL HERE
INADVERTENTLY.

WE HAVE ONE MINUTE TO KILL HERE
INADVERTENTLY.
YOU CAN DO IT, CHEVY.

INADVERTENTLY.
YOU CAN DO IT, CHEVY.
I'M GONNA KILL ABOUT 30

YOU CAN DO IT, CHEVY.
I'M GONNA KILL ABOUT 30
SECONDS NOW BY SAYING, RON,

I'M GONNA KILL ABOUT 30
SECONDS NOW BY SAYING, RON,
RON ZEIGLER... NO.

SECONDS NOW BY SAYING, RON,
RON ZEIGLER... NO.
RON, IT WAS NICE HAVING YOU

RON ZEIGLER... NO.
RON, IT WAS NICE HAVING YOU
HERE.

RON, IT WAS NICE HAVING YOU
HERE.
THANKS FOR COMING.

HERE.
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.

THANKS FOR COMING.
THANK YOU.
I HAD FUN DOING IT.

THANK YOU.
I HAD FUN DOING IT.
HOW MANY NOW?

I HAD FUN DOING IT.
HOW MANY NOW?
10 SECONDS?

HOW MANY NOW?
10 SECONDS?
9, 8, 8, 7, 6...

10 SECONDS?
9, 8, 8, 7, 6...
NICE SHIRT!

9, 8, 8, 7, 6...
NICE SHIRT!
BEAUTIFUL SHIRT!

NICE SHIRT!
BEAUTIFUL SHIRT!
[APPLAUSE, BAND PLAYING]

Announcer: THE MUPPETS ARE

PLAYED BY JERRY NELSON,

FRANK OZ, RICHARD HUNT, AND

JIM HENSON.

THIS IS DON PARDO.

LOOK FOR ME IN THE EASTER

PARADE.

I'LL HAVE AN EGG ON MY FACE, AS

USUAL.