Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 16 - Anthony Perkins/Betty Carter - full transcript

HI.
I'M CHEVY CHASE FROM THE, UH...
UH, "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW.

I'M CHEVY CHASE FROM THE, UH...
UH, "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW.
YOU KNOW, UH, WE GET A LOT OF

UH, "SATURDAY NIGHT" SHOW.
YOU KNOW, UH, WE GET A LOT OF
LETTERS.

YOU KNOW, UH, WE GET A LOT OF
LETTERS.
I'M KIND OF STEPPING OUT OF

LETTERS.
I'M KIND OF STEPPING OUT OF
CHARACTER HERE JUST TO TALK TO

I'M KIND OF STEPPING OUT OF
CHARACTER HERE JUST TO TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND.

CHARACTER HERE JUST TO TALK TO
YOU FOR A SECOND.
UM...

YOU FOR A SECOND.
UM...
MOST OF THEM ARE VERY FAVORABLE,

UM...
MOST OF THEM ARE VERY FAVORABLE,
UH, TOWARD THE SHOW, AND, UH,

MOST OF THEM ARE VERY FAVORABLE,
UH, TOWARD THE SHOW, AND, UH,
PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY WHAT WE'RE

UH, TOWARD THE SHOW, AND, UH,
PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY WHAT WE'RE
DOING, AND, UH... THE GREAT



PEOPLE SEEM TO ENJOY WHAT WE'RE
DOING, AND, UH... THE GREAT
MAJORITY OF THEM ARE... AND

DOING, AND, UH... THE GREAT
MAJORITY OF THEM ARE... AND
SOME OF THEM ARE NOT SO

MAJORITY OF THEM ARE... AND
SOME OF THEM ARE NOT SO
FAVORABLE.

SOME OF THEM ARE NOT SO
FAVORABLE.
BUT, UH, RECENTLY, WE'VE BEEN

FAVORABLE.
BUT, UH, RECENTLY, WE'VE BEEN
GETTING A BATCH OF LETTERS THAT

BUT, UH, RECENTLY, WE'VE BEEN
GETTING A BATCH OF LETTERS THAT
HAVE BEEN KIND OF COMPLAINING.

GETTING A BATCH OF LETTERS THAT
HAVE BEEN KIND OF COMPLAINING.
UH...

HAVE BEEN KIND OF COMPLAINING.
UH...
THEY COMPLAIN THAT BECAUSE

UH...
THEY COMPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
WE'RE A 90-MINUTE LIVE SHOW

THEY COMPLAIN THAT BECAUSE
WE'RE A 90-MINUTE LIVE SHOW
EVERY WEEK AND WE HAVE TO TURN

WE'RE A 90-MINUTE LIVE SHOW
EVERY WEEK AND WE HAVE TO TURN
OUT THE COMEDY AND FILL UP EVERY

EVERY WEEK AND WE HAVE TO TURN
OUT THE COMEDY AND FILL UP EVERY
WEEK THAT SOMETIMES WE JUST

OUT THE COMEDY AND FILL UP EVERY
WEEK THAT SOMETIMES WE JUST
GRATUITOUSLY FILL UP TIME, PAD

WEEK THAT SOMETIMES WE JUST
GRATUITOUSLY FILL UP TIME, PAD
THINGS, UH...



GRATUITOUSLY FILL UP TIME, PAD
THINGS, UH...
WING THINGS, THAT WE'RE NOT

THINGS, UH...
WING THINGS, THAT WE'RE NOT
TIGHT, AND...

WING THINGS, THAT WE'RE NOT
TIGHT, AND...
AND I, FRANKLY, I... I TAKE

TIGHT, AND...
AND I, FRANKLY, I... I TAKE
EXCEPTION TO THIS.

AND I, FRANKLY, I... I TAKE
EXCEPTION TO THIS.
I... I'M OFFENDED BY IT.

EXCEPTION TO THIS.
I... I'M OFFENDED BY IT.
THIS SHOW IS TIGHT.

I... I'M OFFENDED BY IT.
THIS SHOW IS TIGHT.
I MEAN, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.

THIS SHOW IS TIGHT.
I MEAN, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I'M SURE THAT THE WRITERS FEEL

I MEAN, I'M NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I'M SURE THAT THE WRITERS FEEL
THE WAY I DO.

I'M SURE THAT THE WRITERS FEEL
THE WAY I DO.
EVERY WORD IS IN ITS PLACE.

THE WAY I DO.
EVERY WORD IS IN ITS PLACE.
EVERY WORD IS... IS... IS...

EVERY WORD IS IN ITS PLACE.
EVERY WORD IS... IS... IS...
IS, UH...

EVERY WORD IS... IS... IS...
IS, UH...
WHAT IS IT? REHEARSED.

IS, UH...
WHAT IS IT? REHEARSED.
UH, THE IDEA THAT WE DRAW THINGS

WHAT IS IT? REHEARSED.
UH, THE IDEA THAT WE DRAW THINGS
OUT, THAT WE... MILK THINGS, THAT

UH, THE IDEA THAT WE DRAW THINGS
OUT, THAT WE... MILK THINGS, THAT
WE'RE TRYING TO FILL FOR TIME.

OUT, THAT WE... MILK THINGS, THAT
WE'RE TRYING TO FILL FOR TIME.
WE'RE NEVER GONNA DO THAT ON

WE'RE TRYING TO FILL FOR TIME.
WE'RE NEVER GONNA DO THAT ON
THIS SHOW.

WE'RE NEVER GONNA DO THAT ON
THIS SHOW.
AND, I MEAN, THE WRITERS... I

THIS SHOW.
AND, I MEAN, THE WRITERS... I
DON'T WANT TO MENTION THEM.

AND, I MEAN, THE WRITERS... I
DON'T WANT TO MENTION THEM.
WELL, ANNE BEATTS AND

DON'T WANT TO MENTION THEM.
WELL, ANNE BEATTS AND
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE AND

WELL, ANNE BEATTS AND
MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE AND
TOM SCHILLER AND MARILYN MILLER

MICHAEL O'DONOGHUE AND
TOM SCHILLER AND MARILYN MILLER
AND ALAN ZWEIBEL, FRANKEN

TOM SCHILLER AND MARILYN MILLER
AND ALAN ZWEIBEL, FRANKEN
AND DAVIS, HERB SARGENT,

AND ALAN ZWEIBEL, FRANKEN
AND DAVIS, HERB SARGENT,
ROSIE, MICHAELS.

AND DAVIS, HERB SARGENT,
ROSIE, MICHAELS.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, EVEN LORNE.

ROSIE, MICHAELS.
YOU KNOW, I MEAN, EVEN LORNE.
I MEAN, THE POINT IS, THIS...

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, EVEN LORNE.
I MEAN, THE POINT IS, THIS...
THIS KIND OF A THING OFFENDS US.

I MEAN, THE POINT IS, THIS...
THIS KIND OF A THING OFFENDS US.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE HOW

THIS KIND OF A THING OFFENDS US.
YOU DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE HOW
MUCH GOES INTO PUTTING A SHOW

YOU DON'T SEEM TO REALIZE HOW
MUCH GOES INTO PUTTING A SHOW
LIKE THIS DOWN.

MUCH GOES INTO PUTTING A SHOW
LIKE THIS DOWN.
AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE TIGHT,

LIKE THIS DOWN.
AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE TIGHT,
AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE

AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE TIGHT,
AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE
CONCISE.

AND ONE DOES HAVE TO BE
CONCISE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

CONCISE.
I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SO...

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
SO...
ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, YOU

SO...
ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, YOU
KNOW, UNLESS YOU'RE DOING IT

ALL I'M TRYING TO SAY IS, YOU
KNOW, UNLESS YOU'RE DOING IT
YOURSELF, WELL, IT'S UNNECESSARY

KNOW, UNLESS YOU'RE DOING IT
YOURSELF, WELL, IT'S UNNECESSARY
TO WRITE THAT KIND OF A LETTER.

YOURSELF, WELL, IT'S UNNECESSARY
TO WRITE THAT KIND OF A LETTER.
WE... YOU KNOW, I'M RESPONSIBLE

TO WRITE THAT KIND OF A LETTER.
WE... YOU KNOW, I'M RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS PARTICULAR PIECE.

WE... YOU KNOW, I'M RESPONSIBLE
FOR THIS PARTICULAR PIECE.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE, UH,

FOR THIS PARTICULAR PIECE.
YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE, UH,
UH...

YOU MAY HAVE NOTICED THE, UH,
UH...
NO, NO, I DON'T MEAN THIS, BUT

UH...
NO, NO, I DON'T MEAN THIS, BUT
FOR THE OPENINGS OF THE SHOW.

NO, NO, I DON'T MEAN THIS, BUT
FOR THE OPENINGS OF THE SHOW.
MY OPENINGS ARE COHESIVE.

FOR THE OPENINGS OF THE SHOW.
MY OPENINGS ARE COHESIVE.
THEY'RE BRIEF.

MY OPENINGS ARE COHESIVE.
THEY'RE BRIEF.
THEY'RE TO THE POINT.

THEY'RE BRIEF.
THEY'RE TO THE POINT.
IT'S ALWAYS TIGHT, AND, UH, WE

THEY'RE TO THE POINT.
IT'S ALWAYS TIGHT, AND, UH, WE
NEVER WING IT.

IT'S ALWAYS TIGHT, AND, UH, WE
NEVER WING IT.
THIS WOULD BE CHEAP.

NEVER WING IT.
THIS WOULD BE CHEAP.
IT WOULD BE CHEAP TO JUST

THIS WOULD BE CHEAP.
IT WOULD BE CHEAP TO JUST
SUDDENLY, UH, UH, UH, UH,

IT WOULD BE CHEAP TO JUST
SUDDENLY, UH, UH, UH, UH,
EXTEMPORANE-OUS-IZE.

SUDDENLY, UH, UH, UH, UH,
EXTEMPORANE-OUS-IZE.
SO, UH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY

EXTEMPORANE-OUS-IZE.
SO, UH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT, AND WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE

SO, UH, I JUST WANTED TO SAY
THAT, AND WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE
OPENING NOW.

THAT, AND WE'RE GONNA GET TO THE
OPENING NOW.
I'M GONNA TO DO THE FALL AND

OPENING NOW.
I'M GONNA TO DO THE FALL AND
ANNOUNCE THE SHOW, BUT...

I'M GONNA TO DO THE FALL AND
ANNOUNCE THE SHOW, BUT...
I JUST SORT OF WANTED TO GET

ANNOUNCE THE SHOW, BUT...
I JUST SORT OF WANTED TO GET
THAT OFF MY CHEST, AND I GUESS

I JUST SORT OF WANTED TO GET
THAT OFF MY CHEST, AND I GUESS
OFF EVERYBODY ELSE'S CHEST.

THAT OFF MY CHEST, AND I GUESS
OFF EVERYBODY ELSE'S CHEST.
SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO THE...

OFF EVERYBODY ELSE'S CHEST.
SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO THE...
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

SO, LET'S GET DOWN TO THE...
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.

I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO GO WITH A

I'LL TELL YOU THIS.
THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO GO WITH A
SHOW.

THERE ARE MANY WAYS TO GO WITH A
SHOW.
YOU CAN EITHER GO LOOSE OR YOU

SHOW.
YOU CAN EITHER GO LOOSE OR YOU
CAN GO TIGHT.

YOU CAN EITHER GO LOOSE OR YOU
CAN GO TIGHT.
THIS IS A LIVE SHOW.

CAN GO TIGHT.
THIS IS A LIVE SHOW.
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE TIMED

THIS IS A LIVE SHOW.
EVERYTHING HAS TO BE TIMED
PERFECTLY.

EVERYTHING HAS TO BE TIMED
PERFECTLY.
I'M SO UNNERVED BY THESE...

PERFECTLY.
I'M SO UNNERVED BY THESE...
LOOK AT THIS.

I'M SO UNNERVED BY THESE...
LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK, I REMEMBER A TIME.

LOOK AT THIS.
LOOK, I REMEMBER A TIME.
THIS WAS BACK A WAYS.

LOOK, I REMEMBER A TIME.
THIS WAS BACK A WAYS.
I WAS WRITING FOR A SHOW

THIS WAS BACK A WAYS.
I WAS WRITING FOR A SHOW
CALLED...

I WAS WRITING FOR A SHOW
CALLED...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CALLED...
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

Announcer: STARRING...

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANTHONY PERKINS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

WOW.
LISTEN.
BEING ON THIS SHOW IS A

LISTEN.
BEING ON THIS SHOW IS A
COMPLETELY UNIQUE EXPERIENCE FOR

BEING ON THIS SHOW IS A
COMPLETELY UNIQUE EXPERIENCE FOR
ME.

COMPLETELY UNIQUE EXPERIENCE FOR
ME.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF HOSTS ARE

ME.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF HOSTS ARE
OVERWHELMED BY THE FACT THAT

YOU KNOW, A LOT OF HOSTS ARE
OVERWHELMED BY THE FACT THAT
THIS SHOW IS LIVE.

OVERWHELMED BY THE FACT THAT
THIS SHOW IS LIVE.
THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME TOO MUCH.

THIS SHOW IS LIVE.
THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME TOO MUCH.
I'VE BEEN IN BROADWAY SHOWS AND

THAT DOESN'T BOTHER ME TOO MUCH.
I'VE BEEN IN BROADWAY SHOWS AND
DOING LIVE THEATER FOR YEARS, SO

I'VE BEEN IN BROADWAY SHOWS AND
DOING LIVE THEATER FOR YEARS, SO
I'M USED TO THAT PART OF IT.

DOING LIVE THEATER FOR YEARS, SO
I'M USED TO THAT PART OF IT.
BUT WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT,

I'M USED TO THAT PART OF IT.
BUT WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT,
THIS IS STRANGE FOR ME ON

BUT WHEN YOU GET DOWN TO IT,
THIS IS STRANGE FOR ME ON
ANOTHER LEVEL BECAUSE, THROUGH

THIS IS STRANGE FOR ME ON
ANOTHER LEVEL BECAUSE, THROUGH
THE YEARS, I'VE HAD THE LUXURY

ANOTHER LEVEL BECAUSE, THROUGH
THE YEARS, I'VE HAD THE LUXURY
OF HIDING BEHIND THE CHARACTERS

THE YEARS, I'VE HAD THE LUXURY
OF HIDING BEHIND THE CHARACTERS
I'VE PORTRAYED.

OF HIDING BEHIND THE CHARACTERS
I'VE PORTRAYED.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN

I'VE PORTRAYED.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN
IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AS

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE BEEN
IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AS
MYSELF... NOT AS A CHARACTER,

IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE AS
MYSELF... NOT AS A CHARACTER,
BUT AS ME, JUST PLAIN

MYSELF... NOT AS A CHARACTER,
BUT AS ME, JUST PLAIN
TONY PERKINS.

BUT AS ME, JUST PLAIN
TONY PERKINS.
IT'S SCARY.

TONY PERKINS.
IT'S SCARY.
YOU KNOW? IT IS.

IT'S SCARY.
YOU KNOW? IT IS.
IT'S VERY SCARY.

YOU KNOW? IT IS.
IT'S VERY SCARY.
THIS SHOW IS LIVE, BUT I LIKE

IT'S VERY SCARY.
THIS SHOW IS LIVE, BUT I LIKE
THAT PART.

THIS SHOW IS LIVE, BUT I LIKE
THAT PART.
IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY

THAT PART.
IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY
TO...

IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY
TO...
[FLY BUZZING]

TO...
[FLY BUZZING]
IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO

[FLY BUZZING]
IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO
SEE ME...

IT GIVES YOU THE OPPORTUNITY TO
SEE ME...
[BUZZING CONTINUES]

SEE ME...
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
AS I REALLY A...

[BUZZING CONTINUES]
AS I REALLY A...
PUBLIC IMAGES ARE STRANGE

AS I REALLY A...
PUBLIC IMAGES ARE STRANGE
THINGS.

PUBLIC IMAGES ARE STRANGE
THINGS.
[BUZZING CONTINUES]

THINGS.
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET

[BUZZING CONTINUES]
SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET
UNJUSTIFIABLY STEREOTYPED,

SOMETIMES PEOPLE GET
UNJUSTIFIABLY STEREOTYPED,
EITHER BECAUSE OF A ROLE THEY

UNJUSTIFIABLY STEREOTYPED,
EITHER BECAUSE OF A ROLE THEY
ONCE PLAYED, A PUBLICIZED

EITHER BECAUSE OF A ROLE THEY
ONCE PLAYED, A PUBLICIZED
ROMANCE, OR JUST A RUMOR.

ONCE PLAYED, A PUBLICIZED
ROMANCE, OR JUST A RUMOR.
BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A

ROMANCE, OR JUST A RUMOR.
BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A
PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME,

BUT THIS IS ACTUALLY A
PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME,
TO HAVE PEOPLE SEE ME...

PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERIENCE FOR ME,
TO HAVE PEOPLE SEE ME...
[SIGHS]

TO HAVE PEOPLE SEE ME...
[SIGHS]
TO ACCEPT ME, TO SEE ME AS I

[SIGHS]
TO ACCEPT ME, TO SEE ME AS I
REALLY AM.

TO ACCEPT ME, TO SEE ME AS I
REALLY AM.
[BUZZING CONTINUES]

REALLY AM.
[BUZZING CONTINUES]
[BUZZING STOPS]

[BUZZING CONTINUES]
[BUZZING STOPS]
[APPLAUSE]

[BUZZING STOPS]
[APPLAUSE]
AUDIENCES SOMETIMES LOSE SIGHT

[APPLAUSE]
AUDIENCES SOMETIMES LOSE SIGHT
OF THE FACT THAT ACTORS ARE JUST

AUDIENCES SOMETIMES LOSE SIGHT
OF THE FACT THAT ACTORS ARE JUST
PEOPLE, NO DIFFERENT.

OF THE FACT THAT ACTORS ARE JUST
PEOPLE, NO DIFFERENT.
WE GET HUNGRY.

PEOPLE, NO DIFFERENT.
WE GET HUNGRY.
WE HAVE NORMAL FEELINGS.

WE GET HUNGRY.
WE HAVE NORMAL FEELINGS.
LOOK... YESTERDAY, I CUT MYSELF.

WE HAVE NORMAL FEELINGS.
LOOK... YESTERDAY, I CUT MYSELF.
I SCRAPED MY HAND AGAINST A DOOR

LOOK... YESTERDAY, I CUT MYSELF.
I SCRAPED MY HAND AGAINST A DOOR
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

I SCRAPED MY HAND AGAINST A DOOR
OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE GET A LOT OF

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.
BUT, YOU KNOW, WE GET A LOT OF
PUBLICITY.

BUT, YOU KNOW, WE GET A LOT OF
PUBLICITY.
BUT WE'RE JUST LIKE NORMAL

PUBLICITY.
BUT WE'RE JUST LIKE NORMAL
PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO THANK

BUT WE'RE JUST LIKE NORMAL
PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO THANK
LORNE MICHAELS, THE PRODUCER,

PEOPLE, AND I WANT TO THANK
LORNE MICHAELS, THE PRODUCER,
FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO

LORNE MICHAELS, THE PRODUCER,
FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO
SHOW MYSELF, TO LET ME BE

FOR GIVING ME THE OPPORTUNITY TO
SHOW MYSELF, TO LET ME BE
MYSELF.

SHOW MYSELF, TO LET ME BE
MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REFRESHING.

MYSELF.
YOU KNOW, IT'S REFRESHING.
YOU KNOW, I FIND THAT IF I PEEL

YOU KNOW, IT'S REFRESHING.
YOU KNOW, I FIND THAT IF I PEEL
THIS BAND-AID OFF VERY SLOWLY, I

YOU KNOW, I FIND THAT IF I PEEL
THIS BAND-AID OFF VERY SLOWLY, I
CAN ACTUALLY FEEL EACH HAIR

THIS BAND-AID OFF VERY SLOWLY, I
CAN ACTUALLY FEEL EACH HAIR
COMING OUT.

CAN ACTUALLY FEEL EACH HAIR
COMING OUT.
IT'S WONDERFUL.

COMING OUT.
IT'S WONDERFUL.
LISTEN.

IT'S WONDERFUL.
LISTEN.
I'VE BEEN SAYING I'M GLAD THAT

LISTEN.
I'VE BEEN SAYING I'M GLAD THAT
YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE

I'VE BEEN SAYING I'M GLAD THAT
YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE
TONY PERKINS THE WAY HE REALLY

YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO SEE
TONY PERKINS THE WAY HE REALLY
IS... SHY, MAYBE A LITTLE

TONY PERKINS THE WAY HE REALLY
IS... SHY, MAYBE A LITTLE
BASHFUL, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE

IS... SHY, MAYBE A LITTLE
BASHFUL, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE
SUPERSTITIOUS.

BASHFUL, MAYBE EVEN A LITTLE
SUPERSTITIOUS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT WORRIED.

SUPERSTITIOUS.
BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT WORRIED.
I CARRY AROUND A LITTLE

BUT, YOU KNOW, I'M NOT WORRIED.
I CARRY AROUND A LITTLE
GOOD-LUCK CHARM WITH ME...

I CARRY AROUND A LITTLE
GOOD-LUCK CHARM WITH ME...
STUPID LITTLE THING.

GOOD-LUCK CHARM WITH ME...
STUPID LITTLE THING.
I'VE HAD IT FOR YEARS.

STUPID LITTLE THING.
I'VE HAD IT FOR YEARS.
IT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT I'VE HAD

I'VE HAD IT FOR YEARS.
IT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT I'VE HAD
IT WITH ME FOR ALL MY MOVIES,

IT MAKES NO SENSE, BUT I'VE HAD
IT WITH ME FOR ALL MY MOVIES,
ALL MY PLAYS.

IT WITH ME FOR ALL MY MOVIES,
ALL MY PLAYS.
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING,

ALL MY PLAYS.
WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING,
SOME LITTLE GOOD-LUCK TOKEN, YOU

WE ALL HAVE A LITTLE SOMETHING,
SOME LITTLE GOOD-LUCK TOKEN, YOU
KNOW?

SOME LITTLE GOOD-LUCK TOKEN, YOU
KNOW?
AND I FEEL CONFIDENT AS...

KNOW?
AND I FEEL CONFIDENT AS...
AS LONG AS I HAVE MY, UH...

AND I FEEL CONFIDENT AS...
AS LONG AS I HAVE MY, UH...
MY GOOD-LUCK PANTIES.

AS LONG AS I HAVE MY, UH...
MY GOOD-LUCK PANTIES.
NO, SERIOUSLY, HOLD IT.

MY GOOD-LUCK PANTIES.
NO, SERIOUSLY, HOLD IT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW

NO, SERIOUSLY, HOLD IT.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW
HOW THIS GOT STARTED, BUT I HAVE

YOU KNOW, I DON'T REALLY KNOW
HOW THIS GOT STARTED, BUT I HAVE
TO HAVE THESE PANTIES.

HOW THIS GOT STARTED, BUT I HAVE
TO HAVE THESE PANTIES.
OKAY.

TO HAVE THESE PANTIES.
OKAY.
WHO THE HELL STOLE MY GOOD-LUCK

OKAY.
WHO THE HELL STOLE MY GOOD-LUCK
PANTIES?

WHO THE HELL STOLE MY GOOD-LUCK
PANTIES?
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE

PANTIES?
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE
PANTIES.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE
PANTIES.
I MEAN, ALL KIDDING ASIDE.

PANTIES.
I MEAN, ALL KIDDING ASIDE.
JUST ONE SECOND.

I MEAN, ALL KIDDING ASIDE.
JUST ONE SECOND.
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE

JUST ONE SECOND.
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE
PANTIES.

I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT THE
PANTIES.
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT MY

PANTIES.
I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT MY
GOOD-LUCK PANTIES!

I CAN'T DO THIS SHOW WITHOUT MY
GOOD-LUCK PANTIES!
COME ON.

LISTEN.
PLEASE ENJOY THIS SHOW, ONCE
AGAIN, AND LET ME THANK YOU FOR

PLEASE ENJOY THIS SHOW, ONCE
AGAIN, AND LET ME THANK YOU FOR
LETTING ME BE MYSELF.

AGAIN, AND LET ME THANK YOU FOR
LETTING ME BE MYSELF.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

LETTING ME BE MYSELF.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[APPLAUSE]

[Imitating Gerald Ford]
WELL, I GUESS IF THEY'RE GONNA
LEGALIZE IT, MIGHT AS WELL LEARN

WELL, I GUESS IF THEY'RE GONNA
LEGALIZE IT, MIGHT AS WELL LEARN
HOW TO...

LEGALIZE IT, MIGHT AS WELL LEARN
HOW TO...
DO THIS, HERE.

SEE...

I DON'T KNOW.

GOD KNOWS, DOCTOR, I'VE BEEN
THROUGH EVERY KIND OF
PSYCHOTHERAPY THERE IS...

THROUGH EVERY KIND OF
PSYCHOTHERAPY THERE IS...
FREUDIAN, JUNGIAN, GESTALT,

PSYCHOTHERAPY THERE IS...
FREUDIAN, JUNGIAN, GESTALT,
PRIMAL.

FREUDIAN, JUNGIAN, GESTALT,
PRIMAL.
NONE OF THEM SEEM TO DO ANY

PRIMAL.
NONE OF THEM SEEM TO DO ANY
GOOD.

NONE OF THEM SEEM TO DO ANY
GOOD.
SO WHEN MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT

GOOD.
SO WHEN MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT
SHE HAD COME TO SEE YOU AND

SO WHEN MY FRIEND TOLD ME THAT
SHE HAD COME TO SEE YOU AND
NEVER FELT BETTER, I WAS

SHE HAD COME TO SEE YOU AND
NEVER FELT BETTER, I WAS
DESPERATE ENOUGH TO HOPE.

NEVER FELT BETTER, I WAS
DESPERATE ENOUGH TO HOPE.
MM-HMM.

DESPERATE ENOUGH TO HOPE.
MM-HMM.
I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL YOU

MM-HMM.
I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL YOU
ABOUT IT.

I MIGHT AS WELL JUST TELL YOU
ABOUT IT.
SURE.

ABOUT IT.
SURE.
DOCTOR, IT JUST SEEMS THAT

SURE.
DOCTOR, IT JUST SEEMS THAT
SOMETIMES I CAN BE WITH A GUY.

DOCTOR, IT JUST SEEMS THAT
SOMETIMES I CAN BE WITH A GUY.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS.

SOMETIMES I CAN BE WITH A GUY.
IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS.
IT COULD BE SOMEONE I REALLY

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO IT IS.
IT COULD BE SOMEONE I REALLY
LIKE.

IT COULD BE SOMEONE I REALLY
LIKE.
AND WE'LL GO BACK TO HIS

LIKE.
AND WE'LL GO BACK TO HIS
APARTMENT, AND I... I JUST CAN'T

AND WE'LL GO BACK TO HIS
APARTMENT, AND I... I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO GET TURNED ON.

APARTMENT, AND I... I JUST CAN'T
SEEM TO GET TURNED ON.
YOU KNOW?

SEEM TO GET TURNED ON.
YOU KNOW?
I DON'T THINK IT'S FEAR...

YOU KNOW?
I DON'T THINK IT'S FEAR...
♪ HELLO, DOLLY ♪

I DON'T THINK IT'S FEAR...
♪ HELLO, DOLLY ♪
I THINK IT'S BASICALLY...

♪ HELLO, DOLLY ♪
I THINK IT'S BASICALLY...
♪ WELL, HELLO, DOLLY ♪

I THINK IT'S BASICALLY...
♪ WELL, HELLO, DOLLY ♪
MY OWN INABILITY...

♪ WELL, HELLO, DOLLY ♪
MY OWN INABILITY...
♪ IT'S SO GREAT TO HAVE YOU

MY OWN INABILITY...
♪ IT'S SO GREAT TO HAVE YOU
BACK WHERE YOU ♪

♪ IT'S SO GREAT TO HAVE YOU
BACK WHERE YOU ♪
Both: ♪ BELONG ♪

BACK WHERE YOU ♪
Both: ♪ BELONG ♪
MYSELF.

Both: ♪ BELONG ♪
MYSELF.
I THINK THAT I...

MYSELF.
I THINK THAT I...
♪ YOU'RE LOOKIN' SWELL ♪

I THINK THAT I...
♪ YOU'RE LOOKIN' SWELL ♪
Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪

♪ YOU'RE LOOKIN' SWELL ♪
Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪
♪ I CAN TELL ♪

Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪
♪ I CAN TELL ♪
Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪

♪ I CAN TELL ♪
Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL GLOWING ♪

Both: ♪ DOLLY ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL GLOWING ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪

♪ YOU'RE STILL GLOWING ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪
Both: ♪ GROWING ♪

♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪
Both: ♪ GROWING ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪

Both: ♪ GROWING ♪
♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪
DEAL WITH.

♪ YOU'RE STILL ♪
DEAL WITH.
AFTER PUBERTY, I HAD A REALLY

DEAL WITH.
AFTER PUBERTY, I HAD A REALLY
HARD TIME.

AFTER PUBERTY, I HAD A REALLY
HARD TIME.
Both: ♪ THE ROOM SWAYING ♪

HARD TIME.
Both: ♪ THE ROOM SWAYING ♪
♪ AND THE BAND'S PLAYING ♪

Both: ♪ THE ROOM SWAYING ♪
♪ AND THE BAND'S PLAYING ♪
WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY

♪ AND THE BAND'S PLAYING ♪
WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY
BODY...

WHAT WAS HAPPENING IN MY
BODY...
Both: ♪ ONE OF OUR OLD

BODY...
Both: ♪ ONE OF OUR OLD
FAVORITE SONGS FROM WAY BACK

Both: ♪ ONE OF OUR OLD
FAVORITE SONGS FROM WAY BACK
WHEN ♪

FAVORITE SONGS FROM WAY BACK
WHEN ♪
♪ SO, JUST RELAX, FELLAS ♪

WHEN ♪
♪ SO, JUST RELAX, FELLAS ♪
♪ FORGET THE ENTRANCE TAX,

♪ SO, JUST RELAX, FELLAS ♪
♪ FORGET THE ENTRANCE TAX,
FELLAS ♪

♪ FORGET THE ENTRANCE TAX,
FELLAS ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪

FELLAS ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪

♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY

♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY ♪
♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY
AGAIN ♪

♪ DOLLY WILL NEVER GO AWAY
AGAIN ♪
DOCTOR, I REALLY CAN'T TELL

AGAIN ♪
DOCTOR, I REALLY CAN'T TELL
YOU...

DOCTOR, I REALLY CAN'T TELL
YOU...
NOT TOO QUICK.

YOU...
NOT TOO QUICK.
NEXT WEEK... "BRIGADOON."

BUT, PENNY, I MEAN, HE
DOESN'T LIKE MY COFFEE.
I MEAN, HE NEVER ASKS FOR A

DOESN'T LIKE MY COFFEE.
I MEAN, HE NEVER ASKS FOR A
SECOND CUP.

I MEAN, HE NEVER ASKS FOR A
SECOND CUP.
BUT ANYWAY, ALL THAT'S GONNA

SECOND CUP.
BUT ANYWAY, ALL THAT'S GONNA
CHANGE.

BUT ANYWAY, ALL THAT'S GONNA
CHANGE.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU?

CHANGE.
DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
WELL, I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THIS

DIDN'T I TELL YOU?
WELL, I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THIS
HIPPIE NEWSPAPER THAT JUDY

WELL, I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THIS
HIPPIE NEWSPAPER THAT JUDY
BRINGS HOME.

HIPPIE NEWSPAPER THAT JUDY
BRINGS HOME.
YEAH, WAIT.

BRINGS HOME.
YEAH, WAIT.
IT'S CALLED THE, UH,

YEAH, WAIT.
IT'S CALLED THE, UH,
VILLAGE VOICE.

IT'S CALLED THE, UH,
VILLAGE VOICE.
YEAH.

VILLAGE VOICE.
YEAH.
AND I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE,

YEAH.
AND I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE,
UH, CLASSIFIED-AD SECTION, AND I

AND I WAS LOOKING THROUGH THE,
UH, CLASSIFIED-AD SECTION, AND I
SAW THIS AD FOR A WOMAN WHO DOES

UH, CLASSIFIED-AD SECTION, AND I
SAW THIS AD FOR A WOMAN WHO DOES
ALL YOUR HOUSEWORK.

SAW THIS AD FOR A WOMAN WHO DOES
ALL YOUR HOUSEWORK.
[DOORBELL RINGS]

ALL YOUR HOUSEWORK.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
COME IN.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
COME IN.
YEAH, SO, UH, I CAN'T BELIEVE

COME IN.
YEAH, SO, UH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT.

YEAH, SO, UH, I CAN'T BELIEVE
IT.
I HIRED HER.

IT.
I HIRED HER.
I REALLY DID.

I HIRED HER.
I REALLY DID.
UH, COME IN.

I REALLY DID.
UH, COME IN.
THE DOOR'S OPEN.

UH, COME IN.
THE DOOR'S OPEN.
UH, PENNY, CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A

THE DOOR'S OPEN.
UH, PENNY, CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A
SECOND, OKAY?

UH, PENNY, CAN YOU HOLD ON FOR A
SECOND, OKAY?
MRS. ROSEN, YOU ANSWERED MY

SECOND, OKAY?
MRS. ROSEN, YOU ANSWERED MY
AD IN THE VOICE.

MRS. ROSEN, YOU ANSWERED MY
AD IN THE VOICE.
OH, UH, CALL ME SUE.

AD IN THE VOICE.
OH, UH, CALL ME SUE.
YOU MUST BE MRS. ZIMMERMAN.

OH, UH, CALL ME SUE.
YOU MUST BE MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE, SUE.

YOU MUST BE MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
I'M SORRY I'M LATE, SUE.
I MISSED MY BUS.

I'M SORRY I'M LATE, SUE.
I MISSED MY BUS.
WE CAN START RIGHT AWAY IF YOU

I MISSED MY BUS.
WE CAN START RIGHT AWAY IF YOU
LIKE.

WE CAN START RIGHT AWAY IF YOU
LIKE.
OH, WELL, UH, WHY DON'T YOU,

LIKE.
OH, WELL, UH, WHY DON'T YOU,
UM... WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT

OH, WELL, UH, WHY DON'T YOU,
UM... WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT
YOUR THINGS IN THE CLOSET OVER

UM... WHY DON'T YOU JUST PUT
YOUR THINGS IN THE CLOSET OVER
THERE?

YOUR THINGS IN THE CLOSET OVER
THERE?
YOU CAN CHANGE.

THERE?
YOU CAN CHANGE.
OKAY?

YOU CAN CHANGE.
OKAY?
PENNY, PENNY, LISTEN TO THIS.

OKAY?
PENNY, PENNY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"CLEANING FREAK."

PENNY, PENNY, LISTEN TO THIS.
"CLEANING FREAK."
REALLY.

"CLEANING FREAK."
REALLY.
"READY TO DO... GIVE YOU A

REALLY.
"READY TO DO... GIVE YOU A
LESSON IN HOUSEWORK THAT YOU'LL

"READY TO DO... GIVE YOU A
LESSON IN HOUSEWORK THAT YOU'LL
NEVER FORGET.

LESSON IN HOUSEWORK THAT YOU'LL
NEVER FORGET.
VERY STRICT ENGLISH DISCIPLINE."

NEVER FORGET.
VERY STRICT ENGLISH DISCIPLINE."
WELL, THE ENGLISH ARE SUPPOSED

VERY STRICT ENGLISH DISCIPLINE."
WELL, THE ENGLISH ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE VERY GOOD WORKERS.

WELL, THE ENGLISH ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE VERY GOOD WORKERS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE ON "MAUDE"?

TO BE VERY GOOD WORKERS.
YOU KNOW, LIKE ON "MAUDE"?
YEAH.

YOU KNOW, LIKE ON "MAUDE"?
YEAH.
LISTEN... "ALL FORMS OF S&M."

YEAH.
LISTEN... "ALL FORMS OF S&M."
WELL, SCRUBBING AND MOPPING, I

LISTEN... "ALL FORMS OF S&M."
WELL, SCRUBBING AND MOPPING, I
GUESS.

WELL, SCRUBBING AND MOPPING, I
GUESS.
YEAH, RIGHT.

GUESS.
YEAH, RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW.

YEAH, RIGHT.
WELL, YOU KNOW.
$10 AN HOUR.

WELL, YOU KNOW.
$10 AN HOUR.
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE, BUT

$10 AN HOUR.
YEAH, I KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE, BUT
IF SHE CAN MAKE ME INTO A GOOD

YEAH, I KNOW IT'S EXPENSIVE, BUT
IF SHE CAN MAKE ME INTO A GOOD
HOUSEWIFE, WHO CARES?

IF SHE CAN MAKE ME INTO A GOOD
HOUSEWIFE, WHO CARES?
RIGHT?

HOUSEWIFE, WHO CARES?
RIGHT?
OKAY, LOOK, I'LL TALK TO YOU

RIGHT?
OKAY, LOOK, I'LL TALK TO YOU
LATER, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, LOOK, I'LL TALK TO YOU
LATER, ALL RIGHT?
BYE-BYE, PEN.

LATER, ALL RIGHT?
BYE-BYE, PEN.
ALL RIGHT, UH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN.

BYE-BYE, PEN.
ALL RIGHT, UH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
LET'S GET...

ALL RIGHT, UH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN.
LET'S GET...
WORKING.

LET'S GET...
WORKING.
IT WAS IMPERTINENT OF YOU TO

WORKING.
IT WAS IMPERTINENT OF YOU TO
KEEP ME WAITING, SUE.

IT WAS IMPERTINENT OF YOU TO
KEEP ME WAITING, SUE.
UH, D-DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR THAT

KEEP ME WAITING, SUE.
UH, D-DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR THAT
OUTFIT TO WORK IN?

UH, D-DO YOU ALWAYS WEAR THAT
OUTFIT TO WORK IN?
YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY WHAT YOU

OUTFIT TO WORK IN?
YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY WHAT YOU
WANTED ME TO WEAR.

YOU DIDN'T SPECIFY WHAT YOU
WANTED ME TO WEAR.
IF MY OUTFIT BOTHERS YOU, I CAN

WANTED ME TO WEAR.
IF MY OUTFIT BOTHERS YOU, I CAN
ALWAYS TAKE IT OFF.

IF MY OUTFIT BOTHERS YOU, I CAN
ALWAYS TAKE IT OFF.
OH, UM, NO.

ALWAYS TAKE IT OFF.
OH, UM, NO.
NO, IT'S FINE.

OH, UM, NO.
NO, IT'S FINE.
UM, LOOK, UM, I WAS JUST

NO, IT'S FINE.
UM, LOOK, UM, I WAS JUST
WONDERING...

UM, LOOK, UM, I WAS JUST
WONDERING...
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

WONDERING...
IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
UM, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO

IT'S NOT IMPORTANT.
UM, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO
START?

UM, WHERE WOULD YOU LIKE TO
START?
WHY DON'T WE START WITH THE

START?
WHY DON'T WE START WITH THE
FLOOR?

WHY DON'T WE START WITH THE
FLOOR?
LOOK AT IT, SUE.

FLOOR?
LOOK AT IT, SUE.
LOOK AT IT!

LOOK AT IT, SUE.
LOOK AT IT!
WHAT DO YOU SEE?

LOOK AT IT!
WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WAX BUILDUP.

WHAT DO YOU SEE?
WAX BUILDUP.
YOU'RE NOT WAXING THE FLOOR.

WAX BUILDUP.
YOU'RE NOT WAXING THE FLOOR.
YOU'RE WAXING THE WAX!

YOU'RE NOT WAXING THE FLOOR.
YOU'RE WAXING THE WAX!
WELL, OH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY

YOU'RE WAXING THE WAX!
WELL, OH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT THAT

WELL, OH, YOU KNOW, I REALLY
SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT THAT
CHEAPER WAX.

SHOULDN'T HAVE BOUGHT THAT
CHEAPER WAX.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?

CHEAPER WAX.
WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMEONE TAKE AWAY YOUR CLOROX

WHAT'S THE MATTER?
SOMEONE TAKE AWAY YOUR CLOROX
FOR A MONTH?

SOMEONE TAKE AWAY YOUR CLOROX
FOR A MONTH?
WHOA!

FOR A MONTH?
WHOA!
[MUMBLING]

WHOA!
[MUMBLING]
RING AROUND THE COLLAR.

[MUMBLING]
RING AROUND THE COLLAR.
RING AROUND THE COLLAR.

RING AROUND THE COLLAR.
RING AROUND THE COLLAR.
MRS. ZIMMERMAN, I AM SO GLAD

RING AROUND THE COLLAR.
MRS. ZIMMERMAN, I AM SO GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.

MRS. ZIMMERMAN, I AM SO GLAD
YOU'RE HERE.
REALLY, I AM, BECAUSE I WANTED

YOU'RE HERE.
REALLY, I AM, BECAUSE I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY DISHES.

REALLY, I AM, BECAUSE I WANTED
TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY DISHES.
YOU SEE, THAT'S MY EVERYDAY

TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT MY DISHES.
YOU SEE, THAT'S MY EVERYDAY
CHINA, AND THIS IS MY GOOD

YOU SEE, THAT'S MY EVERYDAY
CHINA, AND THIS IS MY GOOD
CHINA.

CHINA, AND THIS IS MY GOOD
CHINA.
I DON'T KNOW.

CHINA.
I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T SEE MYSELF IN IT.

I DON'T KNOW.
I CAN'T SEE MYSELF IN IT.
YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR THIS.

I CAN'T SEE MYSELF IN IT.
YOU MUST BE PUNISHED FOR THIS.
I MUST?

OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN...
OH, SUE, YOUR BREATH!
WELL, I USE A MOUTHWASH.

OH, SUE, YOUR BREATH!
WELL, I USE A MOUTHWASH.
THAT'S WHY IT SMELLS

WELL, I USE A MOUTHWASH.
THAT'S WHY IT SMELLS
MEDICINY.

THAT'S WHY IT SMELLS
MEDICINY.
WHAT?

MEDICINY.
WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT?
WHAT?
WHAT?

WHAT?
WHAT?
LOOK AT YOUR PANTY HOSE.

WHAT?
LOOK AT YOUR PANTY HOSE.
THEY'RE ALL WRINKLY.

LOOK AT YOUR PANTY HOSE.
THEY'RE ALL WRINKLY.
JUST LIKE THE ELEPHANTS.

THEY'RE ALL WRINKLY.
JUST LIKE THE ELEPHANTS.
AAH!

JUST LIKE THE ELEPHANTS.
AAH!
OH.

AAH!
OH.
MRS. ZIMMERMAN, YOU'RE RIGHT.

OH.
MRS. ZIMMERMAN, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M A FAILURE AS A HOUSEWIFE.

MRS. ZIMMERMAN, YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M A FAILURE AS A HOUSEWIFE.
I MEAN, MY CHILDREN NEVER RUN IN

I'M A FAILURE AS A HOUSEWIFE.
I MEAN, MY CHILDREN NEVER RUN IN
FROM THE YARD YELLING, "MOMMY,

I MEAN, MY CHILDREN NEVER RUN IN
FROM THE YARD YELLING, "MOMMY,
IS IT SOUP YET?"

FROM THE YARD YELLING, "MOMMY,
IS IT SOUP YET?"
AND NOT ONCE HAS MY HUSBAND

IS IT SOUP YET?"
AND NOT ONCE HAS MY HUSBAND
TAKEN ME IN HIS ARMS AND SAID,

AND NOT ONCE HAS MY HUSBAND
TAKEN ME IN HIS ARMS AND SAID,
"MY WIFE... I THINK I'LL KEEP

TAKEN ME IN HIS ARMS AND SAID,
"MY WIFE... I THINK I'LL KEEP
HER."

"MY WIFE... I THINK I'LL KEEP
HER."
SCUM.

HER."
SCUM.
AAH!

SCUM.
AAH!
NO WONDER.

AAH!
NO WONDER.
YOUR FRENCH FRIES TASTE GREASY,

NO WONDER.
YOUR FRENCH FRIES TASTE GREASY,
YOUR FREEZER WRAP DOESN'T CLING,

YOUR FRENCH FRIES TASTE GREASY,
YOUR FREEZER WRAP DOESN'T CLING,
AND YOUR CAT FOOD DOESN'T

YOUR FREEZER WRAP DOESN'T CLING,
AND YOUR CAT FOOD DOESN'T
THUNK-A-THUNK.

AND YOUR CAT FOOD DOESN'T
THUNK-A-THUNK.
OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN, PLEASE.

THUNK-A-THUNK.
OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN, PLEASE.
PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO

OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN, PLEASE.
PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO
TEACH ME.

PLEASE, PLEASE, YOU'VE GOT TO
TEACH ME.
REALLY, JUST TEACH ME TO BE JUST

TEACH ME.
REALLY, JUST TEACH ME TO BE JUST
LIKE YOU, OH, PLEASE.

REALLY, JUST TEACH ME TO BE JUST
LIKE YOU, OH, PLEASE.
YOU MISERABLE INSECT.

LIKE YOU, OH, PLEASE.
YOU MISERABLE INSECT.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER

YOU MISERABLE INSECT.
DO YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER
POSSIBLY BE LIKE ME?

DO YOU THINK YOU COULD EVER
POSSIBLY BE LIKE ME?
IN 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I'VE

POSSIBLY BE LIKE ME?
IN 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I'VE
NEVER WRECKED THE RICE.

IN 22 YEARS OF MARRIAGE, I'VE
NEVER WRECKED THE RICE.
OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN!

NEVER WRECKED THE RICE.
OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN!
PLEASE, WHAT ABOUT MY WINDOWS?

OH, MRS. ZIMMERMAN!
PLEASE, WHAT ABOUT MY WINDOWS?
MRS. ROSEN, WHEN YOU CALLED

PLEASE, WHAT ABOUT MY WINDOWS?
MRS. ROSEN, WHEN YOU CALLED
ME ON THE TELEPHONE, YOU

MRS. ROSEN, WHEN YOU CALLED
ME ON THE TELEPHONE, YOU
EXPLAINED TO ME THAT YOU WOULD

ME ON THE TELEPHONE, YOU
EXPLAINED TO ME THAT YOU WOULD
PAY ME $10 AN HOUR PLUS CAR

EXPLAINED TO ME THAT YOU WOULD
PAY ME $10 AN HOUR PLUS CAR
FARE.

PAY ME $10 AN HOUR PLUS CAR
FARE.
I, IN TURN, WOULD DO A CERTAIN

FARE.
I, IN TURN, WOULD DO A CERTAIN
NUMBER OF THINGS FOR THAT

I, IN TURN, WOULD DO A CERTAIN
NUMBER OF THINGS FOR THAT
AMOUNT.

NUMBER OF THINGS FOR THAT
AMOUNT.
I FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE HELD UP MY

AMOUNT.
I FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE HELD UP MY
END OF THE BARGAIN.

I FEEL AS THOUGH I'VE HELD UP MY
END OF THE BARGAIN.
BUT I'M AFRAID I DRAW THE LINE

END OF THE BARGAIN.
BUT I'M AFRAID I DRAW THE LINE
SOMEWHERE.

BUT I'M AFRAID I DRAW THE LINE
SOMEWHERE.
I DON'T DO WINDOWS.

ARE YOU TIRED OF SLAVING AWAY
IN A DULL, DEAD-END JOB?
FED UP WITH MEAGER PAYCHECKS

IN A DULL, DEAD-END JOB?
FED UP WITH MEAGER PAYCHECKS
THAT NEVER STRETCH QUITE FAR

FED UP WITH MEAGER PAYCHECKS
THAT NEVER STRETCH QUITE FAR
ENOUGH?

THAT NEVER STRETCH QUITE FAR
ENOUGH?
SICKENED AND DISGUSTED BY

ENOUGH?
SICKENED AND DISGUSTED BY
MISSING OUT ON THE GOOD THINGS

SICKENED AND DISGUSTED BY
MISSING OUT ON THE GOOD THINGS
OF LIFE?

MISSING OUT ON THE GOOD THINGS
OF LIFE?
HI.

OF LIFE?
HI.
I'M NORMAN BATES FOR THE

HI.
I'M NORMAN BATES FOR THE
NORMAN BATES SCHOOL OF MOTEL

I'M NORMAN BATES FOR THE
NORMAN BATES SCHOOL OF MOTEL
MANAGEMENT, HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW

NORMAN BATES SCHOOL OF MOTEL
MANAGEMENT, HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW
YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN BOSS WHILE

MANAGEMENT, HERE TO EXPLAIN HOW
YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN BOSS WHILE
EARNING BIG MONEY IN THIS

YOU CAN BE YOUR OWN BOSS WHILE
EARNING BIG MONEY IN THIS
RAPIDLY EXPANDING FIELD.

EARNING BIG MONEY IN THIS
RAPIDLY EXPANDING FIELD.
BEST OF ALL, YOU LEARN AT HOME

RAPIDLY EXPANDING FIELD.
BEST OF ALL, YOU LEARN AT HOME
IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN

BEST OF ALL, YOU LEARN AT HOME
IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN
SHOWER.

IN THE PRIVACY OF YOUR OWN
SHOWER.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO RUN

SHOWER.
I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO RUN
ANYTHING FROM A TOURIST HOME TO

I'LL SHOW YOU HOW TO RUN
ANYTHING FROM A TOURIST HOME TO
A MODERN, MULTI-UNIT MOTOR INN.

ANYTHING FROM A TOURIST HOME TO
A MODERN, MULTI-UNIT MOTOR INN.
YOU'LL RECEIVE STEP-BY-STEP

A MODERN, MULTI-UNIT MOTOR INN.
YOU'LL RECEIVE STEP-BY-STEP
INSTRUCTIONS IN HOW TO MAKE

YOU'LL RECEIVE STEP-BY-STEP
INSTRUCTIONS IN HOW TO MAKE
RESERVATIONS AND HOW TO

INSTRUCTIONS IN HOW TO MAKE
RESERVATIONS AND HOW TO
DETERMINE ROOM RATES, HOW TO

RESERVATIONS AND HOW TO
DETERMINE ROOM RATES, HOW TO
CHANGE THE LINEN, AND EVEN

DETERMINE ROOM RATES, HOW TO
CHANGE THE LINEN, AND EVEN
LITTLE-KNOWN TRICKS OF THE

CHANGE THE LINEN, AND EVEN
LITTLE-KNOWN TRICKS OF THE
TRADE, SUCH AS HOW TO IMPROVE

LITTLE-KNOWN TRICKS OF THE
TRADE, SUCH AS HOW TO IMPROVE
CUSTOMER RELATIONS BY GIVING

TRADE, SUCH AS HOW TO IMPROVE
CUSTOMER RELATIONS BY GIVING
GUESTS A COMPLIMENTARY NEWSPAPER

CUSTOMER RELATIONS BY GIVING
GUESTS A COMPLIMENTARY NEWSPAPER
IN THE MORNING.

GUESTS A COMPLIMENTARY NEWSPAPER
IN THE MORNING.
YES, A DIPLOMA IN MOTEL

IN THE MORNING.
YES, A DIPLOMA IN MOTEL
MANAGEMENT CAN BE YOUR PASSPORT

YES, A DIPLOMA IN MOTEL
MANAGEMENT CAN BE YOUR PASSPORT
TO PROSPERITY, INDEPENDENCE, AND

MANAGEMENT CAN BE YOUR PASSPORT
TO PROSPERITY, INDEPENDENCE, AND
SECURITY.

TO PROSPERITY, INDEPENDENCE, AND
SECURITY.
BUT ARE YOU MOTEL MATERIAL?

SECURITY.
BUT ARE YOU MOTEL MATERIAL?
LET'S FIND OUT WITH A SIMPLE

BUT ARE YOU MOTEL MATERIAL?
LET'S FIND OUT WITH A SIMPLE
QUIZ.

LET'S FIND OUT WITH A SIMPLE
QUIZ.
QUESTION 1... A GUEST LOSES THE

QUIZ.
QUESTION 1... A GUEST LOSES THE
KEY TO HER ROOM.

WOULD YOU...

QUESTION 2... WHICH OF THE
FOLLOWING IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
IN RUNNING A SUCCESSFUL MOTEL?

QUESTION 3... HOW MANY...
[Imitating Norma Bates]
IMPORTANT PHONE CALL, NORMAN.

[Imitating Norma Bates]
IMPORTANT PHONE CALL, NORMAN.
[Normal voice]

IMPORTANT PHONE CALL, NORMAN.
[Normal voice]
WHAT, MOTHER?

[Normal voice]
WHAT, MOTHER?
IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.

WHAT, MOTHER?
IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO.

IMPORTANT PHONE CALL.
WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO.
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL,

WELL, I'VE GOT TO GO.
I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL,
JUST ONE OF DOZENS I GET EVERY

I HAVE AN IMPORTANT PHONE CALL,
JUST ONE OF DOZENS I GET EVERY
WEEK AS A FULLY QUALIFIED MOTEL

JUST ONE OF DOZENS I GET EVERY
WEEK AS A FULLY QUALIFIED MOTEL
MANAGER.

AND IF YOU'D LIKE TO BECOME ONE,

TOO, SIMPLY SEND YOUR NAME AND

ADDRESS TO...

THERE'S NO OBLIGATION

WHATSOEVER, AND... AND... AND NO

SALESMAN WILL CALL.

SO... SO... SO Y-Y-YOU DON'T
HAVE TO B-B-BOTHER TO LOCK YOUR
DOOR.

HAVE TO B-B-BOTHER TO LOCK YOUR
DOOR.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN... YOU CAN

DOOR.
YOU KNOW, YOU CAN... YOU CAN
JUST LEAVE OFF THE LATCH.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN... YOU CAN
JUST LEAVE OFF THE LATCH.
OR LOCK IT.

JUST LEAVE OFF THE LATCH.
OR LOCK IT.
THAT'S FINE.

OR LOCK IT.
THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOCK IT,

THAT'S FINE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOCK IT,
'CAUSE I HAVE THE KEYS.

I DON'T CARE IF YOU LOCK IT,
'CAUSE I HAVE THE KEYS.
I HAVE THE KEYS RIGHT HERE.

'CAUSE I HAVE THE KEYS.
I HAVE THE KEYS RIGHT HERE.
I HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 1 AND I

I HAVE THE KEYS RIGHT HERE.
I HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 1 AND I
HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 2 AND I

I HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 1 AND I
HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 2 AND I
HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 3.

HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 2 AND I
HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 3.
[BELL RINGS]

HAVE THE KEYS TO ROOM 3.
[BELL RINGS]
NORMAN?

[BELL RINGS]
NORMAN?
COMING, MOTHER.

FOR OUR NEXT NUMBER...
EXCUSE ME, WHAT'S YOUR FACE,
PERKINS, THERE.

EXCUSE ME, WHAT'S YOUR FACE,
PERKINS, THERE.
CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND,

PERKINS, THERE.
CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND,
HERE?

CAN WE TALK TO YOU FOR A SECOND,
HERE?
YEAH, BUT WHO ARE YOU GUYS,

HERE?
YEAH, BUT WHO ARE YOU GUYS,
AGAIN?

YEAH, BUT WHO ARE YOU GUYS,
AGAIN?
THE MUPPETS. THE MUPPETS.

AGAIN?
THE MUPPETS. THE MUPPETS.
TELL HIM, SCRED.

THE MUPPETS. THE MUPPETS.
TELL HIM, SCRED.
WE'VE BEEN GONE FOR A LITTLE

TELL HIM, SCRED.
WE'VE BEEN GONE FOR A LITTLE
WHILE.

WE'VE BEEN GONE FOR A LITTLE
WHILE.
WE WERE OVER IN ENGLAND, YOU

WHILE.
WE WERE OVER IN ENGLAND, YOU
KNOW, DOING A SHOW OVER THERE,

WE WERE OVER IN ENGLAND, YOU
KNOW, DOING A SHOW OVER THERE,
AND WE CAME BACK AND, UH, THEY

KNOW, DOING A SHOW OVER THERE,
AND WE CAME BACK AND, UH, THEY
DESTROYED OUR GORCH.

AND WE CAME BACK AND, UH, THEY
DESTROYED OUR GORCH.
WHAT'S YOUR GORCH?

DESTROYED OUR GORCH.
WHAT'S YOUR GORCH?
OUR GORCH... GORCH... OUR

WHAT'S YOUR GORCH?
OUR GORCH... GORCH... OUR
LAND.

OUR GORCH... GORCH... OUR
LAND.
IT'S OUR HOMELAND.

LAND.
IT'S OUR HOMELAND.
THAT'S OUR SCENERY.

IT'S OUR HOMELAND.
THAT'S OUR SCENERY.
THEY... THEY JUST BURNED IT TO

THAT'S OUR SCENERY.
THEY... THEY JUST BURNED IT TO
DEATH.

THEY... THEY JUST BURNED IT TO
DEATH.
OH, NO.

DEATH.
OH, NO.
YES, THEY DID.

OH, NO.
YES, THEY DID.
YEAH, AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE

YES, THEY DID.
YEAH, AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE
A DRESSING ROOM ANYMORE.

YEAH, AND WE DON'T EVEN HAVE
A DRESSING ROOM ANYMORE.
YEAH, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF

A DRESSING ROOM ANYMORE.
YEAH, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF
BEES OUT THERE PLAYING BOCCIE.

YEAH, THERE'S A WHOLE BUNCH OF
BEES OUT THERE PLAYING BOCCIE.
LISTEN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE

BEES OUT THERE PLAYING BOCCIE.
LISTEN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.

LISTEN, YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.
NOW, TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA

THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.
NOW, TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT THIS, HUH?

NOW, TELL ME, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA
DO ABOUT THIS, HUH?
I'M THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.

DO ABOUT THIS, HUH?
I'M THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.
I'M ONLY DOING THE SHOW THIS

I'M THE STAR OF THIS SHOW.
I'M ONLY DOING THE SHOW THIS
WEEK.

I'M ONLY DOING THE SHOW THIS
WEEK.
I'M NOT HERE EVERY WEEK.

WEEK.
I'M NOT HERE EVERY WEEK.
I'M NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO TALK

I'M NOT HERE EVERY WEEK.
I'M NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO TALK
TO ABOUT THIS THING.

I'M NOT THE RIGHT PERSON TO TALK
TO ABOUT THIS THING.
SEE, I TOLD YOU.

TO ABOUT THIS THING.
SEE, I TOLD YOU.
WELL, WHO SHOULD WE TALK TO,

SEE, I TOLD YOU.
WELL, WHO SHOULD WE TALK TO,
THEN?

WELL, WHO SHOULD WE TALK TO,
THEN?
WAIT A SECOND.

THEN?
WAIT A SECOND.
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE

WAIT A SECOND.
WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SHOW NOW.

WE'RE RIGHT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE
SHOW NOW.
THIS IS THE SHOW.

SHOW NOW.
THIS IS THE SHOW.
YOU SEE THOSE RED LIGHTS?

THIS IS THE SHOW.
YOU SEE THOSE RED LIGHTS?
THIS IS THE SHOW.

YOU SEE THOSE RED LIGHTS?
THIS IS THE SHOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS... WAIT A

THIS IS THE SHOW.
WHY DON'T YOU GUYS... WAIT A
SECOND... GO OUT INTO THE HALL

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS... WAIT A
SECOND... GO OUT INTO THE HALL
AND WAIT FOR ME AND I'LL TRY TO

SECOND... GO OUT INTO THE HALL
AND WAIT FOR ME AND I'LL TRY TO
FIX THIS UP FOR YOU AND I'LL

AND WAIT FOR ME AND I'LL TRY TO
FIX THIS UP FOR YOU AND I'LL
GET BACK TO YOU IN A MINUTE.

FIX THIS UP FOR YOU AND I'LL
GET BACK TO YOU IN A MINUTE.
NO, NO, NO.

GET BACK TO YOU IN A MINUTE.
NO, NO, NO.
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

NO, NO, NO.
SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE'RE BIG STARS.

SEE, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WE'RE BIG STARS.
I DO UNDERSTAND.

WE'RE BIG STARS.
I DO UNDERSTAND.
WE GET TO DO OUR THING.

I DO UNDERSTAND.
WE GET TO DO OUR THING.
YOU'RE GONNA INTRODUCE US.

WE GET TO DO OUR THING.
YOU'RE GONNA INTRODUCE US.
OH, YEAH, THEY WRITE LETTERS

YOU'RE GONNA INTRODUCE US.
OH, YEAH, THEY WRITE LETTERS
IN ABOUT US AND EVERYTHING.

OH, YEAH, THEY WRITE LETTERS
IN ABOUT US AND EVERYTHING.
LISTEN, WE GOT TO DO THE SHOW.

IN ABOUT US AND EVERYTHING.
LISTEN, WE GOT TO DO THE SHOW.
WHERE'S OUR SPOT?

LISTEN, WE GOT TO DO THE SHOW.
WHERE'S OUR SPOT?
LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND ABOUT

WHERE'S OUR SPOT?
LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND ABOUT
YOUR SPOT, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S

LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND ABOUT
YOUR SPOT, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
SHOW BUSINESS.

YOUR SPOT, BUT, YOU KNOW, THAT'S
SHOW BUSINESS.
THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO

SHOW BUSINESS.
THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO
EVERYBODY SOONER OR LATER.

THE SAME THING HAPPENS TO
EVERYBODY SOONER OR LATER.
LOOK AT ME.

EVERYBODY SOONER OR LATER.
LOOK AT ME.
I MEAN, FOUR WEEKS AGO, I WAS ON

LOOK AT ME.
I MEAN, FOUR WEEKS AGO, I WAS ON
BROADWAY IN "EQUUS."

I MEAN, FOUR WEEKS AGO, I WAS ON
BROADWAY IN "EQUUS."
NOW THEY'VE GOT ME SWALLOWING

BROADWAY IN "EQUUS."
NOW THEY'VE GOT ME SWALLOWING
FLIES ON LATE-NIGHT TV.

NOW THEY'VE GOT ME SWALLOWING
FLIES ON LATE-NIGHT TV.
HEY, LISTEN, WHERE'D YOU GET

FLIES ON LATE-NIGHT TV.
HEY, LISTEN, WHERE'D YOU GET
THOSE FLIES?

HEY, LISTEN, WHERE'D YOU GET
THOSE FLIES?
I'M HUNGRY MYSELF.

THOSE FLIES?
I'M HUNGRY MYSELF.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU COULD GET US

I'M HUNGRY MYSELF.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU COULD GET US
ON THE SHOW.

HEY, LISTEN, YOU COULD GET US
ON THE SHOW.
YEAH.

ON THE SHOW.
YEAH.
JUST TRY A LITTLE FRIENDLY

YEAH.
JUST TRY A LITTLE FRIENDLY
PERSUASION.

JUST TRY A LITTLE FRIENDLY
PERSUASION.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.

PERSUASION.
I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
GO OUT INTO THE HALL, TAKE A

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT.
GO OUT INTO THE HALL, TAKE A
RIGHT, AND YOU'LL FIND MY

GO OUT INTO THE HALL, TAKE A
RIGHT, AND YOU'LL FIND MY
DRESSING ROOM.

RIGHT, AND YOU'LL FIND MY
DRESSING ROOM.
IT'S GOT MY NAME ON THE DOOR.

DRESSING ROOM.
IT'S GOT MY NAME ON THE DOOR.
JUST WAIT THERE, RELAX A MINUTE,

IT'S GOT MY NAME ON THE DOOR.
JUST WAIT THERE, RELAX A MINUTE,
AND I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A LITTLE

JUST WAIT THERE, RELAX A MINUTE,
AND I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A LITTLE
WHILE.

AND I'LL BE WITH YOU IN A LITTLE
WHILE.
OKAY.

WHILE.
OKAY.
COME ON, SCRED.

OKAY.
COME ON, SCRED.
THANKS A LOT, MR. GHERKINS.

COME ON, SCRED.
THANKS A LOT, MR. GHERKINS.
THAT'S... THAT'S... THAT'S

THANKS A LOT, MR. GHERKINS.
THAT'S... THAT'S... THAT'S
PERKINS.

THAT'S... THAT'S... THAT'S
PERKINS.
[APPLAUSE]

PERKINS.
[APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

[APPLAUSE]
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MISS BETTY CARTER.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MISS BETTY CARTER.
[APPLAUSE]

MISS BETTY CARTER.
[APPLAUSE]
♪ TONIGHT ♪

[APPLAUSE]
♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪

♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪
♪ MUSIC, MAESTRO, PLEASE ♪

♪ I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪
♪ MUSIC, MAESTRO, PLEASE ♪
♪ TONIGHT ♪

♪ MUSIC, MAESTRO, PLEASE ♪
♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ TONIGHT, I MUST FORGET

♪ TONIGHT ♪
♪ TONIGHT, I MUST FORGET
THOSE HAPPY HOURS ♪

♪ TONIGHT, I MUST FORGET
THOSE HAPPY HOURS ♪
♪ NO HEARTS AND FLOWERS ♪

THOSE HAPPY HOURS ♪
♪ NO HEARTS AND FLOWERS ♪
♪ PLAY THAT LILTING MELODY ♪

♪ NO HEARTS AND FLOWERS ♪
♪ PLAY THAT LILTING MELODY ♪
♪ RAGTIME ♪

♪ PLAY THAT LILTING MELODY ♪
♪ RAGTIME ♪
♪ JAZZTIME ♪

♪ RAGTIME ♪
♪ JAZZTIME ♪
♪ SWING... ANY OLD THING ♪

♪ JAZZTIME ♪
♪ SWING... ANY OLD THING ♪
♪ TO HELP ME EASE THE PAIN

♪ SWING... ANY OLD THING ♪
♪ TO HELP ME EASE THE PAIN
THAT SOLITUDE CAN BRING ♪

♪ TO HELP ME EASE THE PAIN
THAT SOLITUDE CAN BRING ♪
♪ HE USED TO LIKE WALTZES ♪

THAT SOLITUDE CAN BRING ♪
♪ HE USED TO LIKE WALTZES ♪
♪ SO PLEASE DON'T PLAY A WALTZ ♪

♪ HE USED TO LIKE WALTZES ♪
♪ SO PLEASE DON'T PLAY A WALTZ ♪
♪ HE DANCED DIVINELY ♪

♪ SO PLEASE DON'T PLAY A WALTZ ♪
♪ HE DANCED DIVINELY ♪
♪ OH, I LOVE HIM SO ♪

♪ HE DANCED DIVINELY ♪
♪ OH, I LOVE HIM SO ♪
♪ AND IF I GO TONIGHT,

♪ OH, I LOVE HIM SO ♪
♪ AND IF I GO TONIGHT,
I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪

♪ AND IF I GO TONIGHT,
I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪
♪ NO MORE MEMORIES ♪

I MUSTN'T THINK OF HIM ♪
♪ NO MORE MEMORIES ♪
♪ SWING OUT ♪

♪ NO MORE MEMORIES ♪
♪ SWING OUT ♪
♪ SWING OUT ♪

♪ SWING OUT ♪
♪ SWING OUT ♪
♪ I MUST FORGET ♪

♪ SWING OUT ♪
♪ I MUST FORGET ♪
♪ MUSIC ♪

♪ I MUST FORGET ♪
♪ MUSIC ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]

♪ MUSIC ♪
[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ SWING ♪

[TEMPO INCREASES]
♪ SWING ♪
♪ MAESTRO ♪

♪ SWING ♪
♪ MAESTRO ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪

♪ MAESTRO ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING ♪

♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING ♪
♪ MAESTRO ♪

♪ SWING ♪
♪ MAESTRO ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪

♪ MAESTRO ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪

♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪
♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪

♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪
♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪

♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪
♪ RARIN' TO GO ♪

♪ SWING IT, BROTHER, SWING ♪
♪ RARIN' TO GO ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY

♪ RARIN' TO GO ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY
TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪

♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY
TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪
♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪

TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪
♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪
♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪

♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪
♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪
♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪

♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪
♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪

♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪
♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪

♪ DEEP RHYTHM CAPTIVATES ME ♪
♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ HOT RHYTHM STIMULATES ME ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP THAT DIDDLE DADDLE ♪
♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ AND THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ I'M RARIN' TO GO ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ I'M RARIN' TO GO ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY

♪ I'M RARIN' TO GO ♪
♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY
TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪

♪ AND THERE AIN'T NOBODY
TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪
♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪

TO HOLD ME DOWN ♪
♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪
♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪

♪ HEY, LISTEN, BOY ♪
♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪
♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪

♪ HURRY UP AND SEND ME ♪
♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪

♪ LET ME GO TO TOWN ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING ♪
♪ SW-I-I-I-I-I-ING ♪

♪ SWING ♪
♪ SW-I-I-I-I-I-ING ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE]

♪ SW-I-I-I-I-I-ING ♪
[INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE]
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪

[INSTRUMENTAL BRIDGE]
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪

♪ SWING, SWING ♪
♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪

♪ STOP DIDDLIN' ♪
♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪

♪ STOP THAT FOOLISH RATTLE ♪
♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪

♪ COME ON AND SWING ME GOOD ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪

♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING ♪

♪ SWING, SWING, SWING, SWING ♪
♪ SWING ♪
♪ SWING, BROTH-E-E-E-ER ♪

♪ SWING ♪
♪ SWING, BROTH-E-E-E-ER ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Imitating Gerald Ford]
THIS SHOULD DO IT.
THIS IS WHAT RON SAID.

THIS SHOULD DO IT.
THIS IS WHAT RON SAID.
RON KNOWS.

THIS IS WHAT RON SAID.
RON KNOWS.
IF HE SAID IT, GONNA GO WITH

RON KNOWS.
IF HE SAID IT, GONNA GO WITH
RON.

TAKE THE PAPER.

I DON'T KNOW, I...
I'LL VETO IT.
I DON'T CARE.

Announcer: AND NOW,
"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
I... I... NO, I WOULDN'T BE

CHEVY CHASE.
I... I... NO, I WOULDN'T BE
SO EMBARRASSED.

I... I... NO, I WOULDN'T BE
SO EMBARRASSED.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ANY

SO EMBARRASSED.
SOME PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ANY
NOISE, SOME PEOPLE DO.

SOME PEOPLE DON'T MAKE ANY
NOISE, SOME PEOPLE DO.
I... I'VE NEVER HEARD "HI-YO,

NOISE, SOME PEOPLE DO.
I... I'VE NEVER HEARD "HI-YO,
SILVER" BEFORE, BUT THAT'S...

I... I'VE NEVER HEARD "HI-YO,
SILVER" BEFORE, BUT THAT'S...
I GOT TO GO.

SILVER" BEFORE, BUT THAT'S...
I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.

I GOT TO GO.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M NOT.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M NOT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M NOT.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
RONALD REAGAN MADE A SLIP

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
RONALD REAGAN MADE A SLIP
WEDNESDAY NIGHT WHILE SPEAKING

RONALD REAGAN MADE A SLIP
WEDNESDAY NIGHT WHILE SPEAKING
IN ILLINOIS, SAYING THAT,

WEDNESDAY NIGHT WHILE SPEAKING
IN ILLINOIS, SAYING THAT,
"GERALD FORD WAS A COMMUNIST."

IN ILLINOIS, SAYING THAT,
"GERALD FORD WAS A COMMUNIST."
THE CROWD ROARED WITH LAUGHTER,

"GERALD FORD WAS A COMMUNIST."
THE CROWD ROARED WITH LAUGHTER,
AND REAGAN APOLOGIZED FOR HIS

THE CROWD ROARED WITH LAUGHTER,
AND REAGAN APOLOGIZED FOR HIS
OBVIOUS ERROR.

AND REAGAN APOLOGIZED FOR HIS
OBVIOUS ERROR.
"IT MUST BE A FREUDIAN SLIP,"

OBVIOUS ERROR.
"IT MUST BE A FREUDIAN SLIP,"
SAID REAGAN.

"IT MUST BE A FREUDIAN SLIP,"
SAID REAGAN.
"THERE ARE COMMUNISTS ON MY

SAID REAGAN.
"THERE ARE COMMUNISTS ON MY
MIND."

"THERE ARE COMMUNISTS ON MY
MIND."
ACCORDING TO A REAGAN AIDE,

MIND."
ACCORDING TO A REAGAN AIDE,
REAGAN MEANT TO SAY THAT

ACCORDING TO A REAGAN AIDE,
REAGAN MEANT TO SAY THAT
HENRY KISSINGER WAS A COMMUNIST.

REAGAN MEANT TO SAY THAT
HENRY KISSINGER WAS A COMMUNIST.
LATER, PRESIDENT FORD CALLED

HENRY KISSINGER WAS A COMMUNIST.
LATER, PRESIDENT FORD CALLED
REAGAN A FATUOUS ASS, BUT

LATER, PRESIDENT FORD CALLED
REAGAN A FATUOUS ASS, BUT
APOLOGIZED BY SAYING, "IT MUST

REAGAN A FATUOUS ASS, BUT
APOLOGIZED BY SAYING, "IT MUST
HAVE BEEN A FREUDIAN SLIP.

APOLOGIZED BY SAYING, "IT MUST
HAVE BEEN A FREUDIAN SLIP.
I MEANT TO CALL HIM A

HAVE BEEN A FREUDIAN SLIP.
I MEANT TO CALL HIM A
PRETENTIOUS GRADE-'B' ACTOR.

I MEANT TO CALL HIM A
PRETENTIOUS GRADE-'B' ACTOR.
I HAD FATUOUS ASSES ON MY MIND."

PRETENTIOUS GRADE-'B' ACTOR.
I HAD FATUOUS ASSES ON MY MIND."
PROVING ONCE AGAIN AND ONCE AND

I HAD FATUOUS ASSES ON MY MIND."
PROVING ONCE AGAIN AND ONCE AND
FOR ALL THAT HE DOES NOT COLOR

PROVING ONCE AGAIN AND ONCE AND
FOR ALL THAT HE DOES NOT COLOR
HIS HAIR, RONALD REAGAN CALLED A

FOR ALL THAT HE DOES NOT COLOR
HIS HAIR, RONALD REAGAN CALLED A
NEWS CONFERENCE AT A SACRAMENTO

HIS HAIR, RONALD REAGAN CALLED A
NEWS CONFERENCE AT A SACRAMENTO
CAR WASH AND SHAMPOOED FOR THE

NEWS CONFERENCE AT A SACRAMENTO
CAR WASH AND SHAMPOOED FOR THE
PRESS.

CAR WASH AND SHAMPOOED FOR THE
PRESS.
IT TOOK SEVERAL TRIPS THROUGH

PRESS.
IT TOOK SEVERAL TRIPS THROUGH
THE WASH TO WASH OUT THE

IT TOOK SEVERAL TRIPS THROUGH
THE WASH TO WASH OUT THE
TURTLE WAX BUILDUP FROM THE

THE WASH TO WASH OUT THE
TURTLE WAX BUILDUP FROM THE
PAST YEAR.

TURTLE WAX BUILDUP FROM THE
PAST YEAR.
AND FINALLY, AS HE HAS DONE

PAST YEAR.
AND FINALLY, AS HE HAS DONE
THROUGHOUT HIS CAMPAIGN, THIS

AND FINALLY, AS HE HAS DONE
THROUGHOUT HIS CAMPAIGN, THIS
WEEK, RONALD REAGAN ONCE AGAIN

THROUGHOUT HIS CAMPAIGN, THIS
WEEK, RONALD REAGAN ONCE AGAIN
SHOWED UP IN PUBLIC WEARING

WEEK, RONALD REAGAN ONCE AGAIN
SHOWED UP IN PUBLIC WEARING
MEN'S CLOTHING.

SHOWED UP IN PUBLIC WEARING
MEN'S CLOTHING.
MEDICAL RESEARCHERS AT THE

MEN'S CLOTHING.
MEDICAL RESEARCHERS AT THE
GAINESVILLE INSTITUTE OF

MEDICAL RESEARCHERS AT THE
GAINESVILLE INSTITUTE OF
TECHNOLOGY CLAIM THEY ARE CLOSE

GAINESVILLE INSTITUTE OF
TECHNOLOGY CLAIM THEY ARE CLOSE
TO FINDING A VACCINE FOR

TECHNOLOGY CLAIM THEY ARE CLOSE
TO FINDING A VACCINE FOR
SYPHILIS.

TO FINDING A VACCINE FOR
SYPHILIS.
DR. MILDRED GOODE, WHO'S

SYPHILIS.
DR. MILDRED GOODE, WHO'S
SPEARHEADING THE PROJECT,

DR. MILDRED GOODE, WHO'S
SPEARHEADING THE PROJECT,
SAYS...

SPEARHEADING THE PROJECT,
SAYS...
[LAUGHTER]

SAYS...
[LAUGHTER]
SAYS ENCOURAGING RESULTS HAVE

[LAUGHTER]
SAYS ENCOURAGING RESULTS HAVE
BEEN ACHIEVED BY INJECTING THE

SAYS ENCOURAGING RESULTS HAVE
BEEN ACHIEVED BY INJECTING THE
BLOOD OF A CHICKEN INTO RABBITS.

BEEN ACHIEVED BY INJECTING THE
BLOOD OF A CHICKEN INTO RABBITS.
SHE HERSELF HAS TRIED THE

BLOOD OF A CHICKEN INTO RABBITS.
SHE HERSELF HAS TRIED THE
VACCINE AND SAYS THAT IT'S

SHE HERSELF HAS TRIED THE
VACCINE AND SAYS THAT IT'S
GREATLY AFFECTED HER SOCIAL

VACCINE AND SAYS THAT IT'S
GREATLY AFFECTED HER SOCIAL
LIFE, STATING THAT SHE NOW

GREATLY AFFECTED HER SOCIAL
LIFE, STATING THAT SHE NOW
CLUCKS LIKE A BUNNY.

LIFE, STATING THAT SHE NOW
CLUCKS LIKE A BUNNY.
FORMER TEAMSTER BOSS

CLUCKS LIKE A BUNNY.
FORMER TEAMSTER BOSS
JIMMY HOFFA, MISSING SINCE LAST

FORMER TEAMSTER BOSS
JIMMY HOFFA, MISSING SINCE LAST
JULY, HAS SINCE BEEN BILLED FOR

JIMMY HOFFA, MISSING SINCE LAST
JULY, HAS SINCE BEEN BILLED FOR
ADDITIONAL INCOME TAXES BY THE

JULY, HAS SINCE BEEN BILLED FOR
ADDITIONAL INCOME TAXES BY THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.

ADDITIONAL INCOME TAXES BY THE
INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
THE BILL WAS SENT TO CHICAGO,

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE.
THE BILL WAS SENT TO CHICAGO,
MIAMI, DETROIT, AND PARTS OF THE

THE BILL WAS SENT TO CHICAGO,
MIAMI, DETROIT, AND PARTS OF THE
HUDSON RIVER.

MIAMI, DETROIT, AND PARTS OF THE
HUDSON RIVER.
WELL, COLLEGE CRAZES COME AND

HUDSON RIVER.
WELL, COLLEGE CRAZES COME AND
GO, DON'T THEY?

WELL, COLLEGE CRAZES COME AND
GO, DON'T THEY?
THE LATEST FAD AT UCLA IS

GO, DON'T THEY?
THE LATEST FAD AT UCLA IS
SEEING HOW MANY STUDENTS CAN LIE

THE LATEST FAD AT UCLA IS
SEEING HOW MANY STUDENTS CAN LIE
DOWN NEAR A PAIR OF BOOTS.

SEEING HOW MANY STUDENTS CAN LIE
DOWN NEAR A PAIR OF BOOTS.
PATTY HEARST DEFENSE COUNSEL

DOWN NEAR A PAIR OF BOOTS.
PATTY HEARST DEFENSE COUNSEL
F. LEE BAILEY TODAY DENIED

PATTY HEARST DEFENSE COUNSEL
F. LEE BAILEY TODAY DENIED
CHARGES THAT HE HAD COACHED

F. LEE BAILEY TODAY DENIED
CHARGES THAT HE HAD COACHED
PATTY TO CRY ON CUE WHENEVER THE

CHARGES THAT HE HAD COACHED
PATTY TO CRY ON CUE WHENEVER THE
WORD "CLOSET" WAS MENTIONED IN

PATTY TO CRY ON CUE WHENEVER THE
WORD "CLOSET" WAS MENTIONED IN
THE COURTROOM.

WORD "CLOSET" WAS MENTIONED IN
THE COURTROOM.
HE ADMITTED, HOWEVER, THAT HE

THE COURTROOM.
HE ADMITTED, HOWEVER, THAT HE
HAD TAUGHT HER TO SALIVATE WHEN

HE ADMITTED, HOWEVER, THAT HE
HAD TAUGHT HER TO SALIVATE WHEN
HE RANG A BELL AND LIFT A BAR

HAD TAUGHT HER TO SALIVATE WHEN
HE RANG A BELL AND LIFT A BAR
WITH HER NOSE WHEN SHE WANTED

HE RANG A BELL AND LIFT A BAR
WITH HER NOSE WHEN SHE WANTED
FOOD.

WITH HER NOSE WHEN SHE WANTED
FOOD.
AND NOW HERE WITH A LIVE REPORT

FOOD.
AND NOW HERE WITH A LIVE REPORT
FROM SAN FRANCISCO IS

AND NOW HERE WITH A LIVE REPORT
FROM SAN FRANCISCO IS
CORRESPONDENT DAVID FELSON.

[Muffled] IN THE SEVENTH WEEK

OF THEIR TRIAL FOR BANK ROBBERY,

THE ACHES AND FEARS OF A

HORRIBLE INFECTION KEPT

PATRICIA HEARST IN A PRISON BED

TODAY.

TESTIMONY HAS BEEN SUSPENDED

UNTIL MONDAY, WHEN IT'S HOPED

THE 22-YEAR-OLD PUBLISHING

HEIRESS WILL BE WELL ENOUGH TO

RETURN.

WHEN FEDERAL JUDGE

OLIVER J. CARTER TOLD THE JURORS

OF THE DELAY YESTERDAY, HE SAID

HE EXPECTED BY NEXT WEEKEND THEY

WOULD BE SITTING DOWN TO DECIDE

WHETHER SHE WAS A WILLING

PARTNER IN THE BANK HOLDUP

ENGINEERED BY HER TERRORIST

KIDNAPPERS.

MEANWHILE...
[SHATTERING, QUACKING]
BOTH SIDES WERE OFFERING THEIR

[SHATTERING, QUACKING]
BOTH SIDES WERE OFFERING THEIR
PROPOSALS TO CARTER TODAY.

BOTH SIDES WERE OFFERING THEIR
PROPOSALS TO CARTER TODAY.
PER THE INSTRUCTIONS, THEY'D

PROPOSALS TO CARTER TODAY.
PER THE INSTRUCTIONS, THEY'D
LIKE TO HEAR HIM GO TO THE JURY.

PER THE INSTRUCTIONS, THEY'D
LIKE TO HEAR HIM GO TO THE JURY.
THIS IS DAVID FELSON FROM

LIKE TO HEAR HIM GO TO THE JURY.
THIS IS DAVID FELSON FROM
SAN FRANCISCO REPORTING.

AND IN SCRANTON, PENNSYLVANIA, A
TRUCK DRIVER WAS FINED $45
YESTERDAY FOR PARKING ON A

TRUCK DRIVER WAS FINED $45
YESTERDAY FOR PARKING ON A
CHILD.

YESTERDAY FOR PARKING ON A
CHILD.
IN COURT, THE DRIVER EXPLAINED

CHILD.
IN COURT, THE DRIVER EXPLAINED
THAT HE WAS MAKING A DELIVERY

IN COURT, THE DRIVER EXPLAINED
THAT HE WAS MAKING A DELIVERY
AND CLAIMS THAT HE TOLD THE BOY

THAT HE WAS MAKING A DELIVERY
AND CLAIMS THAT HE TOLD THE BOY
HE'D ONLY BE A FEW MINUTES.

AND CLAIMS THAT HE TOLD THE BOY
HE'D ONLY BE A FEW MINUTES.
[CLEARS THROAT]

HE'D ONLY BE A FEW MINUTES.
[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL-PLACED STATE DEPARTMENT

[CLEARS THROAT]
WELL-PLACED STATE DEPARTMENT
SOURCES THIS WEEK NAMED

WELL-PLACED STATE DEPARTMENT
SOURCES THIS WEEK NAMED
HENRY KISSINGER AS BEING

SOURCES THIS WEEK NAMED
HENRY KISSINGER AS BEING
PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE

HENRY KISSINGER AS BEING
PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
LATEST LEAK OF SECRET

PERSONALLY RESPONSIBLE FOR THE
LATEST LEAK OF SECRET
INFORMATION ON MIDEAST

LATEST LEAK OF SECRET
INFORMATION ON MIDEAST
NEGOTIATIONS.

INFORMATION ON MIDEAST
NEGOTIATIONS.
DR. KISSINGER DENIED THE CHARGE,

NEGOTIATIONS.
DR. KISSINGER DENIED THE CHARGE,
REPORTEDLY SAYING, "I DON'T GIVE

DR. KISSINGER DENIED THE CHARGE,
REPORTEDLY SAYING, "I DON'T GIVE
LEAKS.

REPORTEDLY SAYING, "I DON'T GIVE
LEAKS.
I ONLY TAKE THEM."

LEAKS.
I ONLY TAKE THEM."
LATER, MR. KISSINGER WAS

I ONLY TAKE THEM."
LATER, MR. KISSINGER WAS
INEXPLICABLY PUBLICLY STRANGLED

LATER, MR. KISSINGER WAS
INEXPLICABLY PUBLICLY STRANGLED
TO DEATH BY HENRY CABOT LODGE.

INEXPLICABLY PUBLICLY STRANGLED
TO DEATH BY HENRY CABOT LODGE.
PRESIDENT FORD RECENTLY

TO DEATH BY HENRY CABOT LODGE.
PRESIDENT FORD RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED HIS DECISION TO

PRESIDENT FORD RECENTLY
ANNOUNCED HIS DECISION TO
ABANDON FURTHER OFFICIAL USE OF

ANNOUNCED HIS DECISION TO
ABANDON FURTHER OFFICIAL USE OF
THE WORD "DéTENTE" TO DESCRIBE

ABANDON FURTHER OFFICIAL USE OF
THE WORD "DéTENTE" TO DESCRIBE
SOVIET-U.S. RELATIONS.

THE WORD "DéTENTE" TO DESCRIBE
SOVIET-U.S. RELATIONS.
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT ADDED THAT

SOVIET-U.S. RELATIONS.
TODAY, THE PRESIDENT ADDED THAT
HE WOULD ALSO BAN THE USE OF THE

TODAY, THE PRESIDENT ADDED THAT
HE WOULD ALSO BAN THE USE OF THE
WORDS "DELUXE," "DEPRESSION,"

HE WOULD ALSO BAN THE USE OF THE
WORDS "DELUXE," "DEPRESSION,"
"DE SOTO," "THURSDAY," "REAGAN,"

WORDS "DELUXE," "DEPRESSION,"
"DE SOTO," "THURSDAY," "REAGAN,"
"TUNA," "TOOTHBRUSH,"

"DE SOTO," "THURSDAY," "REAGAN,"
"TUNA," "TOOTHBRUSH,"
"BLOWFISH," AND "TOY BOAT,"

"TUNA," "TOOTHBRUSH,"
"BLOWFISH," AND "TOY BOAT,"
BECAUSE HE SAYS HE FINDS THEM

"BLOWFISH," AND "TOY BOAT,"
BECAUSE HE SAYS HE FINDS THEM
TOO DIFFICULT TO PRONOUNCE.

BECAUSE HE SAYS HE FINDS THEM
TOO DIFFICULT TO PRONOUNCE.
THE BRITISH POUND HAS CONTINUED

TOO DIFFICULT TO PRONOUNCE.
THE BRITISH POUND HAS CONTINUED
TO SLIP AND IS CURRENTLY WORTH,

THE BRITISH POUND HAS CONTINUED
TO SLIP AND IS CURRENTLY WORTH,
IN AMERICAN MONEY, $1.95.

TO SLIP AND IS CURRENTLY WORTH,
IN AMERICAN MONEY, $1.95.
MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN DOLLAR

IN AMERICAN MONEY, $1.95.
MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
HAS CONTINUED TO RISE AND IS NOW

MEANWHILE, THE AMERICAN DOLLAR
HAS CONTINUED TO RISE AND IS NOW
WORTH 4 1/2 CENTS.

HAS CONTINUED TO RISE AND IS NOW
WORTH 4 1/2 CENTS.
STILL TO COME... FRANCO, DEAD...

WORTH 4 1/2 CENTS.
STILL TO COME... FRANCO, DEAD...
AFTER THIS FILM MESSAGE.

[COUGHING]
THIS IS YOUR COUGH CENTER.
AND THIS IS YOUR SINUS CENTER.

THIS IS YOUR COUGH CENTER.
AND THIS IS YOUR SINUS CENTER.
[SNIFFING]

AND THIS IS YOUR SINUS CENTER.
[SNIFFING]
THIS IS YOUR NASAL CENTER.

[SNIFFING]
THIS IS YOUR NASAL CENTER.
AND THIS...

THIS IS YOUR NASAL CENTER.
AND THIS...
IS YOUR SHOPPING CENTER.

AND THIS...
IS YOUR SHOPPING CENTER.
THIS IS WHERE YOU PARK YOUR CAR.

IS YOUR SHOPPING CENTER.
THIS IS WHERE YOU PARK YOUR CAR.
HERE'S THE MALL...

THIS IS WHERE YOU PARK YOUR CAR.
HERE'S THE MALL...
WOOLWORTHS.

HERE'S THE MALL...
WOOLWORTHS.
THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SOME

WOOLWORTHS.
THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SOME
KEYS MADE.

THIS IS WHERE YOU CAN HAVE SOME
KEYS MADE.
HERE'S SOME SHRUBBERY...

KEYS MADE.
HERE'S SOME SHRUBBERY...
RECORD WORLD.

HERE'S SOME SHRUBBERY...
RECORD WORLD.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]

RECORD WORLD.
[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
THIS IS YOUR LINCOLN CENTER.

[CLASSICAL MUSIC PLAYS]
THIS IS YOUR LINCOLN CENTER.
PHILHARMONIC.

THIS IS YOUR LINCOLN CENTER.
PHILHARMONIC.
YOU CAN SEE PLAYS, THE OPERA.

PHILHARMONIC.
YOU CAN SEE PLAYS, THE OPERA.
SCIENTISTS SAY THAT WE ONLY USE

YOU CAN SEE PLAYS, THE OPERA.
SCIENTISTS SAY THAT WE ONLY USE
1/16 OF OUR MIND'S POTENTIAL.

SCIENTISTS SAY THAT WE ONLY USE
1/16 OF OUR MIND'S POTENTIAL.
THINK ABOUT IT.

[CLEARS THROAT]
THE MEGO TOY COMPANY HAS COME
OUT WITH SONNY AND CHER DOLLS.

THE MEGO TOY COMPANY HAS COME
OUT WITH SONNY AND CHER DOLLS.
COMPLETE WITH WARDROBE AND

OUT WITH SONNY AND CHER DOLLS.
COMPLETE WITH WARDROBE AND
JEWELRY, THE DOLLS BEAR AN

COMPLETE WITH WARDROBE AND
JEWELRY, THE DOLLS BEAR AN
UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO THE

JEWELRY, THE DOLLS BEAR AN
UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO THE
POPULAR SINGING DUO.

UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE TO THE
POPULAR SINGING DUO.
THEY ARE SAID TO BE ANATOMICALLY

POPULAR SINGING DUO.
THEY ARE SAID TO BE ANATOMICALLY
CORRECT... CHER IS PREGNANT, AND

THEY ARE SAID TO BE ANATOMICALLY
CORRECT... CHER IS PREGNANT, AND
IN THE INTEREST OF REALISM,

CORRECT... CHER IS PREGNANT, AND
IN THE INTEREST OF REALISM,
SONNY'S PARTS ARE REMOVABLE.

AND NOW A "WEEKEND UPDATE"

COMMENTARY.

"IN KEEPING WITH OUR POLICY OF

FAIR AND OBJECTIVE NEWS

RAPPORTAGE, THE MANAGEMENT OF

'WEEKEND UPDATE' BELIEVES

STRONGLY IN THE PRINCIPLE THAT

WE SHOULD REMAIN IMPARTIAL TO

THE POSSIBLE CANDIDATES IN THIS

YEAR'S ELECTION.

FOR INSTANCE, IT WOULD BE

IRREGULAR AND IRRESPONSIBLE TO,

SAY, ENDORSE BROWN OR UDALL, OR

ANYBODY RUNNING, FOR THAT

MATTER.

AND 'WEEKEND UPDATE' PLEDGES TO

REMAIN AS CONSISTENT IN ITS

INTEGRITY IN THIS AREA AS IT

CAN.

THANK YOU."

THANK YOU.
UH, LAST WEEK, WE MADE THE
COMMENT THAT MARCH COMES IN LIKE

UH, LAST WEEK, WE MADE THE
COMMENT THAT MARCH COMES IN LIKE
A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE A LAMB.

COMMENT THAT MARCH COMES IN LIKE
A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE A LAMB.
NOW HERE TO REPLY IS OUR CHIEF

A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE A LAMB.
NOW HERE TO REPLY IS OUR CHIEF
METEOROLOGIST, JOHN BELUSHI,

NOW HERE TO REPLY IS OUR CHIEF
METEOROLOGIST, JOHN BELUSHI,
WITH A SEASONAL REPORT.

METEOROLOGIST, JOHN BELUSHI,
WITH A SEASONAL REPORT.
THANK YOU, CHEVY.

WITH A SEASONAL REPORT.
THANK YOU, CHEVY.
WELL, ANOTHER WINTER IS ALMOST

THANK YOU, CHEVY.
WELL, ANOTHER WINTER IS ALMOST
OVER, AND MARCH, TRUE TO FORM,

WELL, ANOTHER WINTER IS ALMOST
OVER, AND MARCH, TRUE TO FORM,
HAS COME IN LIKE A LION AND

OVER, AND MARCH, TRUE TO FORM,
HAS COME IN LIKE A LION AND
HOPEFULLY WILL GO OUT LIKE A

HAS COME IN LIKE A LION AND
HOPEFULLY WILL GO OUT LIKE A
LAMB.

HOPEFULLY WILL GO OUT LIKE A
LAMB.
AT LEAST, THAT'S HOW MARCH WORKS

LAMB.
AT LEAST, THAT'S HOW MARCH WORKS
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.

AT LEAST, THAT'S HOW MARCH WORKS
HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT MARCH

HERE IN THE UNITED STATES.
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT MARCH
BEHAVES DIFFERENTLY IN OTHER

BUT DID YOU KNOW THAT MARCH
BEHAVES DIFFERENTLY IN OTHER
COUNTRIES?

BEHAVES DIFFERENTLY IN OTHER
COUNTRIES?
NORWAY, FOR EXAMPLE... MARCH

COUNTRIES?
NORWAY, FOR EXAMPLE... MARCH
COMES IN LIKE A POLAR BEAR AND

NORWAY, FOR EXAMPLE... MARCH
COMES IN LIKE A POLAR BEAR AND
GOES OUT LIKE A WALRUS.

COMES IN LIKE A POLAR BEAR AND
GOES OUT LIKE A WALRUS.
OR TAKE THE CASE OF HONDURAS,

GOES OUT LIKE A WALRUS.
OR TAKE THE CASE OF HONDURAS,
WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A LAMB

OR TAKE THE CASE OF HONDURAS,
WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A LAMB
AND GOES OUT LIKE A SALT MARSH

WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A LAMB
AND GOES OUT LIKE A SALT MARSH
HARVEST MOUSE.

AND GOES OUT LIKE A SALT MARSH
HARVEST MOUSE.
LET US COMPARE THIS TO THE

HARVEST MOUSE.
LET US COMPARE THIS TO THE
MALDIVE ISLANDS, WHERE MARCH

LET US COMPARE THIS TO THE
MALDIVE ISLANDS, WHERE MARCH
COMES IN LIKE A WILDEBEEST AND

MALDIVE ISLANDS, WHERE MARCH
COMES IN LIKE A WILDEBEEST AND
GOES OUT LIKE AN ANT... A TINY,

COMES IN LIKE A WILDEBEEST AND
GOES OUT LIKE AN ANT... A TINY,
LITTLE ANT ABOUT THIS BIG.

GOES OUT LIKE AN ANT... A TINY,
LITTLE ANT ABOUT THIS BIG.
OH, UNLIKE THE MALAY PENINSULA,

LITTLE ANT ABOUT THIS BIG.
OH, UNLIKE THE MALAY PENINSULA,
WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A

OH, UNLIKE THE MALAY PENINSULA,
WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A
WORM-EATING FERNBIRD AND GOES

WHERE MARCH COMES IN LIKE A
WORM-EATING FERNBIRD AND GOES
OUT LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.

WORM-EATING FERNBIRD AND GOES
OUT LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.
IN FACT, THEIR WHOLE YEAR IS

OUT LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.
IN FACT, THEIR WHOLE YEAR IS
LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.

IN FACT, THEIR WHOLE YEAR IS
LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.
OR CONSIDER THE REPUBLIC OF

LIKE A WORM-EATING FERNBIRD.
OR CONSIDER THE REPUBLIC OF
SOUTH AFRICA, WHERE MARCH COMES

OR CONSIDER THE REPUBLIC OF
SOUTH AFRICA, WHERE MARCH COMES
IN LIKE A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE

SOUTH AFRICA, WHERE MARCH COMES
IN LIKE A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE
A DIFFERENT LION.

IN LIKE A LION AND GOES OUT LIKE
A DIFFERENT LION.
LIKE, ONE HAS A MANE, AND ONE

A DIFFERENT LION.
LIKE, ONE HAS A MANE, AND ONE
DOESN'T HAVE A MANE.

LIKE, ONE HAS A MANE, AND ONE
DOESN'T HAVE A MANE.
OR IN CERTAIN PARTS OF

DOESN'T HAVE A MANE.
OR IN CERTAIN PARTS OF
SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE MARCH SWIMS

OR IN CERTAIN PARTS OF
SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE MARCH SWIMS
IN LIKE A SEA OTTER, THEN IT

SOUTH AMERICA, WHERE MARCH SWIMS
IN LIKE A SEA OTTER, THEN IT
SLITHERS OUT LIKE A GIANT

IN LIKE A SEA OTTER, THEN IT
SLITHERS OUT LIKE A GIANT
ANACONDA.

SLITHERS OUT LIKE A GIANT
ANACONDA.
THERE YOU CAN BUY LAND REAL

ANACONDA.
THERE YOU CAN BUY LAND REAL
CHEAP, YOU KNOW?

THERE YOU CAN BUY LAND REAL
CHEAP, YOU KNOW?
AND THERE'S A COUNTRY WHERE

CHEAP, YOU KNOW?
AND THERE'S A COUNTRY WHERE
MARCH HOPS IN LIKE A KANGAROO

AND THERE'S A COUNTRY WHERE
MARCH HOPS IN LIKE A KANGAROO
AND STAYS A KANGAROO FOR A

MARCH HOPS IN LIKE A KANGAROO
AND STAYS A KANGAROO FOR A
WHILE, AND THEN IT BECOMES A

AND STAYS A KANGAROO FOR A
WHILE, AND THEN IT BECOMES A
SLIGHTLY SMALLER KANGAROO.

WHILE, AND THEN IT BECOMES A
SLIGHTLY SMALLER KANGAROO.
THEN... THEN... THEN FOR A

SLIGHTLY SMALLER KANGAROO.
THEN... THEN... THEN FOR A
COUPLE DAYS, IT'S SORT OF A

THEN... THEN... THEN FOR A
COUPLE DAYS, IT'S SORT OF A
CROSS BETWEEN A... A FRILLED

COUPLE DAYS, IT'S SORT OF A
CROSS BETWEEN A... A FRILLED
LIZARD AND A COMMON HOUSE CAT.

CROSS BETWEEN A... A FRILLED
LIZARD AND A COMMON HOUSE CAT.
WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

LIZARD AND A COMMON HOUSE CAT.
WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THEN IT CHANGES BACK INTO

WAIT. WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.
THEN IT CHANGES BACK INTO
A SMALLER KANGAROO, AND THEN IT

THEN IT CHANGES BACK INTO
A SMALLER KANGAROO, AND THEN IT
GOES OUT LIKE A... LIKE A WILD

A SMALLER KANGAROO, AND THEN IT
GOES OUT LIKE A... LIKE A WILD
DINGO.

GOES OUT LIKE A... LIKE A WILD
DINGO.
NOW... NOW... AND IT'S NOT

DINGO.
NOW... NOW... AND IT'S NOT
AUSTRALIA!

NOW... NOW... AND IT'S NOT
AUSTRALIA!
NOW... NOW, YOU'D THINK IT WOULD

AUSTRALIA!
NOW... NOW, YOU'D THINK IT WOULD
BE AUSTRALIA, BUT IT'S NOT!

NOW... NOW, YOU'D THINK IT WOULD
BE AUSTRALIA, BUT IT'S NOT!
LOOK, PAL!

BE AUSTRALIA, BUT IT'S NOT!
LOOK, PAL!
I KNOW A COUNTRY WHERE MARCH

LOOK, PAL!
I KNOW A COUNTRY WHERE MARCH
COMES IN LIKE AN EMU AND GOES

I KNOW A COUNTRY WHERE MARCH
COMES IN LIKE AN EMU AND GOES
OUT LIKE A TAPIR.

COMES IN LIKE AN EMU AND GOES
OUT LIKE A TAPIR.
AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT

OUT LIKE A TAPIR.
AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT
MEANS.

AND THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT IT
MEANS.
ALL RIGHT?

MEANS.
ALL RIGHT?
NOW, LISTEN.

ALL RIGHT?
NOW, LISTEN.
THERE ARE NINE DIFFERENT

NOW, LISTEN.
THERE ARE NINE DIFFERENT
COUNTRIES WHERE MARCH COMES IN

THERE ARE NINE DIFFERENT
COUNTRIES WHERE MARCH COMES IN
LIKE A FROG AND GOES OUT LIKE A

COUNTRIES WHERE MARCH COMES IN
LIKE A FROG AND GOES OUT LIKE A
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.

LIKE A FROG AND GOES OUT LIKE A
GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
BUT THAT... THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD

GOLDEN RETRIEVER.
BUT THAT... THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD
PART!

BUT THAT... THAT'S NOT THE WEIRD
PART!
NO, NO, THE WEIRD PART IS... IS

PART!
NO, NO, THE WEIRD PART IS... IS
THE FROG.

NO, NO, THE WEIRD PART IS... IS
THE FROG.
THE FROG PART IS...

THE FROG.
THE FROG PART IS...
THE WEIRD PART IS...

THE FROG PART IS...
THE WEIRD PART IS...
[CHOKING]

[TELEPHONE RINGS]
HELLO?
OH, UH, HELLO.

HELLO?
OH, UH, HELLO.
UH, I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T MAKE

OH, UH, HELLO.
UH, I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T MAKE
IT IN PERSON THIS WEEK, BUT YOU

UH, I'M SO SORRY I COULDN'T MAKE
IT IN PERSON THIS WEEK, BUT YOU
SEE, I THINK THAT...

IT IN PERSON THIS WEEK, BUT YOU
SEE, I THINK THAT...
HELLO?

SEE, I THINK THAT...
HELLO?
WHO IS THIS, PLEASE?

HELLO?
WHO IS THIS, PLEASE?
OH, WHY, THIS IS

WHO IS THIS, PLEASE?
OH, WHY, THIS IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.

OH, WHY, THIS IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.
OH, YES.

MISS EMILY LITELLA.
OH, YES.
WELL, I'M SORRY, MISS LITELLA,

OH, YES.
WELL, I'M SORRY, MISS LITELLA,
BUT WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEONE

WELL, I'M SORRY, MISS LITELLA,
BUT WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEONE
GIVE AN EDITORIAL REPLY.

BUT WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEONE
GIVE AN EDITORIAL REPLY.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I

GIVE AN EDITORIAL REPLY.
I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I
THINK THAT THE PEOPLE ARE

I JUST WANTED TO SAY THAT I
THINK THAT THE PEOPLE ARE
WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT

THINK THAT THE PEOPLE ARE
WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT
CONSERVING THIS COUNTRY'S

WORRYING TOO MUCH ABOUT
CONSERVING THIS COUNTRY'S
NATURAL RACEHORSES.

CONSERVING THIS COUNTRY'S
NATURAL RACEHORSES.
NOW, WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT

NATURAL RACEHORSES.
NOW, WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
RACEHORSES?

NOW, WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT ABOUT
RACEHORSES?
I THINK OTHER KINDS OF HORSES

RACEHORSES?
I THINK OTHER KINDS OF HORSES
ARE IMPORTANT.

I THINK OTHER KINDS OF HORSES
ARE IMPORTANT.
PONIES AND STALLIONS...

ARE IMPORTANT.
PONIES AND STALLIONS...
I'M SORRY, BUT AS I'VE SAID,

PONIES AND STALLIONS...
I'M SORRY, BUT AS I'VE SAID,
WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEBODY DO

I'M SORRY, BUT AS I'VE SAID,
WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEBODY DO
THIS WEEK'S REPLY.

WE'VE ALREADY HAD SOMEBODY DO
THIS WEEK'S REPLY.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING.

THIS WEEK'S REPLY.
I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
MAYBE NEXT WEEK YOU COULD COME

I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR CALLING.
MAYBE NEXT WEEK YOU COULD COME
ON.

MAYBE NEXT WEEK YOU COULD COME
ON.
WELL, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.

ON.
WELL, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
YES.

WELL, THIS IS AN OUTRAGE.
YES.
IS THIS CHEDDAR CHEESE?

YES.
IS THIS CHEDDAR CHEESE?
NO, THAT'S CHEVY...

IS THIS CHEDDAR CHEESE?
NO, THAT'S CHEVY...
CHEVY CHASE.

NO, THAT'S CHEVY...
CHEVY CHASE.
WHAT?

CHEVY CHASE.
WHAT?
CHEVY CHASE. CHEVY CHASE.

WHAT?
CHEVY CHASE. CHEVY CHASE.
OH.

CHEVY CHASE. CHEVY CHASE.
OH.
THEN I MUST HAVE THE WRONG

OH.
THEN I MUST HAVE THE WRONG
NUMBER.

THEN I MUST HAVE THE WRONG
NUMBER.
YES.

NUMBER.
YES.
NEVER MIND.

YES.
NEVER MIND.
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.

NEVER MIND.
WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT

WELL, THAT'S THE NEWS.
GOOD NIGHT AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

HI.
HI.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.

HI.
YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WE'VE WORKED IN THE SAME

YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY.
WE'VE WORKED IN THE SAME
BUILDING FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS,

WE'VE WORKED IN THE SAME
BUILDING FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS,
AND I FEEL LIKE I DON'T REALLY

BUILDING FOR A COUPLE OF YEARS,
AND I FEEL LIKE I DON'T REALLY
KNOW YOU.

AND I FEEL LIKE I DON'T REALLY
KNOW YOU.
WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S HARD

KNOW YOU.
WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S HARD
TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE JUST

WELL, IT'S, UH... IT'S HARD
TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE JUST
SAYING "HI" GETTING ON AND OFF

TO GET TO KNOW SOMEONE JUST
SAYING "HI" GETTING ON AND OFF
AN ELEVATOR.

SAYING "HI" GETTING ON AND OFF
AN ELEVATOR.
BUT IN A WAY, IF YOU EXCHANGE

AN ELEVATOR.
BUT IN A WAY, IF YOU EXCHANGE
"HI's" OVER A LONG PERIOD OF

BUT IN A WAY, IF YOU EXCHANGE
"HI's" OVER A LONG PERIOD OF
TIME, YOU DO LEARN A LOT ABOUT A

"HI's" OVER A LONG PERIOD OF
TIME, YOU DO LEARN A LOT ABOUT A
PERSON.

TIME, YOU DO LEARN A LOT ABOUT A
PERSON.
I MEAN, I'VE SAID "HI" TO YOU

PERSON.
I MEAN, I'VE SAID "HI" TO YOU
WHEN YOU'VE LOOKED SAD, AND I'VE

I MEAN, I'VE SAID "HI" TO YOU
WHEN YOU'VE LOOKED SAD, AND I'VE
SAID "HI" TO YOU WHEN YOU'D LOOK

WHEN YOU'VE LOOKED SAD, AND I'VE
SAID "HI" TO YOU WHEN YOU'D LOOK
HAPPY, AND SOMETIMES I'VE BEEN

SAID "HI" TO YOU WHEN YOU'D LOOK
HAPPY, AND SOMETIMES I'VE BEEN
DOWN, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE'VE BEEN

HAPPY, AND SOMETIMES I'VE BEEN
DOWN, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE'VE BEEN
SAYING "HI."

DOWN, YOU KNOW, WHEN WE'VE BEEN
SAYING "HI."
AND SOMETIMES I'LL BE ELATED AND

SAYING "HI."
AND SOMETIMES I'LL BE ELATED AND
SAY "HI."

AND SOMETIMES I'LL BE ELATED AND
SAY "HI."
MAYBE I'LL MAKE A LITTLE JOKE TO

SAY "HI."
MAYBE I'LL MAKE A LITTLE JOKE TO
YOU.

MAYBE I'LL MAKE A LITTLE JOKE TO
YOU.
ALL THESE THINGS, WELL, THEY ADD

YOU.
ALL THESE THINGS, WELL, THEY ADD
UP.

ALL THESE THINGS, WELL, THEY ADD
UP.
YOU KNOW?

UP.
YOU KNOW?
AND SOMETIMES I FEEL, UH...

YOU KNOW?
AND SOMETIMES I FEEL, UH...
VERY CLOSE TO YOU.

AND SOMETIMES I FEEL, UH...
VERY CLOSE TO YOU.
THAT'S NICE.

VERY CLOSE TO YOU.
THAT'S NICE.
HOW WOULD YOU, UM...

THAT'S NICE.
HOW WOULD YOU, UM...
FEEL ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ME?

HOW WOULD YOU, UM...
FEEL ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ME?
BUT, UM, YOU'RE MARRIED.

FEEL ABOUT SLEEPING WITH ME?
BUT, UM, YOU'RE MARRIED.
WELL, I KNOW.

BUT, UM, YOU'RE MARRIED.
WELL, I KNOW.
WELL, UH, DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR

WELL, I KNOW.
WELL, UH, DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR
WIFE?

WELL, UH, DON'T YOU LOVE YOUR
WIFE?
YES, BUT YOU SEE, I'VE

WIFE?
YES, BUT YOU SEE, I'VE
DECIDED THAT IN ORDER TO REALLY

YES, BUT YOU SEE, I'VE
DECIDED THAT IN ORDER TO REALLY
LOVE MY WIFE, I MUST LOVE

DECIDED THAT IN ORDER TO REALLY
LOVE MY WIFE, I MUST LOVE
ANOTHER WOMAN AS WELL.

LOVE MY WIFE, I MUST LOVE
ANOTHER WOMAN AS WELL.
OTHERWISE, LIFE BECOMES TOO

ANOTHER WOMAN AS WELL.
OTHERWISE, LIFE BECOMES TOO
ROUTINE AND MY WIFE SUFFERS

OTHERWISE, LIFE BECOMES TOO
ROUTINE AND MY WIFE SUFFERS
BECAUSE I RESENT HER FOR IT.

ROUTINE AND MY WIFE SUFFERS
BECAUSE I RESENT HER FOR IT.
I CRAVE EXCITEMENT, AND YOU, YOU

BECAUSE I RESENT HER FOR IT.
I CRAVE EXCITEMENT, AND YOU, YOU
EXCITE ME.

I CRAVE EXCITEMENT, AND YOU, YOU
EXCITE ME.
UH, DO YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE

EXCITE ME.
UH, DO YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE
SEX, OR ARE WE GONNA MAKE LOVE?

UH, DO YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE
SEX, OR ARE WE GONNA MAKE LOVE?
BOTH.

SEX, OR ARE WE GONNA MAKE LOVE?
BOTH.
I MEAN, I SEE THE DISTINCTION.

BOTH.
I MEAN, I SEE THE DISTINCTION.
ON THE ONE HAND, WHAT IS SEX

I MEAN, I SEE THE DISTINCTION.
ON THE ONE HAND, WHAT IS SEX
WITHOUT LOVE?

ON THE ONE HAND, WHAT IS SEX
WITHOUT LOVE?
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WHAT IS

WITHOUT LOVE?
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WHAT IS
LOVE WITHOUT SEX?

BUT ON THE OTHER HAND, WHAT IS
LOVE WITHOUT SEX?
[CHUCKLES]

LOVE WITHOUT SEX?
[CHUCKLES]
SO, UM, YOU SEE US HAVING A

[CHUCKLES]
SO, UM, YOU SEE US HAVING A
LOVE AFFAIR?

SO, UM, YOU SEE US HAVING A
LOVE AFFAIR?
YEAH, BUT NOBODY HAS TO KNOW

LOVE AFFAIR?
YEAH, BUT NOBODY HAS TO KNOW
ABOUT IT.

YEAH, BUT NOBODY HAS TO KNOW
ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, WE CAN STILL SAY "HI" TO

ABOUT IT.
I MEAN, WE CAN STILL SAY "HI" TO
EACH OTHER WHEN WE MEET IN THE

I MEAN, WE CAN STILL SAY "HI" TO
EACH OTHER WHEN WE MEET IN THE
ELEVATOR.

EACH OTHER WHEN WE MEET IN THE
ELEVATOR.
OH, WELL, WHERE DO YOU SEE US

ELEVATOR.
OH, WELL, WHERE DO YOU SEE US
MEETING?

OH, WELL, WHERE DO YOU SEE US
MEETING?
YOUR PLACE.

MEETING?
YOUR PLACE.
WELL, I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.

YOUR PLACE.
WELL, I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.
WELL, THE JANITOR ON MY FLOOR

WELL, I LIVE WITH MY PARENTS.
WELL, THE JANITOR ON MY FLOOR
GAVE ME A KEY TO HIS UTILITY

WELL, THE JANITOR ON MY FLOOR
GAVE ME A KEY TO HIS UTILITY
ROOM.

GAVE ME A KEY TO HIS UTILITY
ROOM.
HE HAS A LITTLE COT IN THERE.

ROOM.
HE HAS A LITTLE COT IN THERE.
I'VE GOT 45 MINUTES BEFORE I

HE HAS A LITTLE COT IN THERE.
I'VE GOT 45 MINUTES BEFORE I
HAVE TO CATCH MY TRAIN.

I'VE GOT 45 MINUTES BEFORE I
HAVE TO CATCH MY TRAIN.
DO YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A WHIRL?

HAVE TO CATCH MY TRAIN.
DO YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A WHIRL?
WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.

DO YOU WANT TO GIVE IT A WHIRL?
WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.

WELL, GEE, I DON'T KNOW.
I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
ME NEITHER.

I'VE NEVER DONE THIS BEFORE.
ME NEITHER.
WELL, UM, ALL RIGHT.

ME NEITHER.
WELL, UM, ALL RIGHT.
IMAGINE, UH...

WELL, UM, ALL RIGHT.
IMAGINE, UH...
WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT JUST

IMAGINE, UH...
WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT JUST
SAYING "HI" COULD LEAD TO A

WHO WOULD EVER THINK THAT JUST
SAYING "HI" COULD LEAD TO A
ROMANCE?

SAYING "HI" COULD LEAD TO A
ROMANCE?
YEAH, YEAH.

ROMANCE?
YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY.

YEAH, YEAH.
OKAY.
JUST PUT IT ON THE BILL.

OKAY.
JUST PUT IT ON THE BILL.
HI.

JUST PUT IT ON THE BILL.
HI.
HI.

HI.
HI.
HI.

HI.
HI.
HI.

HI.
HI.
HI.

HI.
HI.
HOW ARE YOU?

HI.
HOW ARE YOU?
HI.

HOW ARE YOU?
HI.
HI.

HI.
HI.
YOU GO ON UPSTAIRS.

HI.
YOU GO ON UPSTAIRS.
I'LL MEET YOU IN ABOUT A SECOND.

YOU GO ON UPSTAIRS.
I'LL MEET YOU IN ABOUT A SECOND.
OKAY?

I'LL MEET YOU IN ABOUT A SECOND.
OKAY?
SURE. BYE.

OKAY?
SURE. BYE.
BYE.

SURE. BYE.
BYE.
HEY, HEY, MR. MERKIN, COULD I

BYE.
HEY, HEY, MR. MERKIN, COULD I
TALK TO YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

HEY, HEY, MR. MERKIN, COULD I
TALK TO YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST

TALK TO YOU FOR A LITTLE WHILE?
LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
CALL ME TONY?

LISTEN, WHY DON'T YOU JUST
CALL ME TONY?
OH, YEAH, THANK YOU.

CALL ME TONY?
OH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
UH, YOU KNOW, CONFIDENTIALLY,

OH, YEAH, THANK YOU.
UH, YOU KNOW, CONFIDENTIALLY,
I'VE SERIOUSLY BEEN CONSIDERING

UH, YOU KNOW, CONFIDENTIALLY,
I'VE SERIOUSLY BEEN CONSIDERING
LEAVING THE MUPPETS AND, YOU

I'VE SERIOUSLY BEEN CONSIDERING
LEAVING THE MUPPETS AND, YOU
KNOW, GOING ON TO BIGGER AND

LEAVING THE MUPPETS AND, YOU
KNOW, GOING ON TO BIGGER AND
BETTER THINGS.

KNOW, GOING ON TO BIGGER AND
BETTER THINGS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST

BETTER THINGS.
DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST
INTERRUPTED A SKETCH I WAS RIGHT

DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU JUST
INTERRUPTED A SKETCH I WAS RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING?

INTERRUPTED A SKETCH I WAS RIGHT
IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I COULD DO,

IN THE MIDDLE OF DOING?
I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I COULD DO,
UH, "WEEKEND UPDATE."

I MEAN, YOU KNOW, I COULD DO,
UH, "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I COULD BE NEW TALENT SOME WEEK.

UH, "WEEKEND UPDATE."
I COULD BE NEW TALENT SOME WEEK.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO

I COULD BE NEW TALENT SOME WEEK.
YOU KNOW, I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO
BE A MUPPET, YOU KNOW.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T ALWAYS HAVE TO
BE A MUPPET, YOU KNOW.
MM-HMM.

BE A MUPPET, YOU KNOW.
MM-HMM.
LET'S SEE.

MM-HMM.
LET'S SEE.
I COULD PLAY EMILY LITELLA, TOO.

LET'S SEE.
I COULD PLAY EMILY LITELLA, TOO.
YEAH, I'M SURE YOU COULD.

I COULD PLAY EMILY LITELLA, TOO.
YEAH, I'M SURE YOU COULD.
LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.

YEAH, I'M SURE YOU COULD.
LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]

LISTEN, LISTEN, LISTEN.
[CLEARS THROAT]
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS SITTING AT

[CLEARS THROAT]
THE OTHER DAY, I WAS SITTING AT
A LUNCH COUNTER, AND A MAN CAME

THE OTHER DAY, I WAS SITTING AT
A LUNCH COUNTER, AND A MAN CAME
IN AND ORDERED A CUP OF COFFEE

A LUNCH COUNTER, AND A MAN CAME
IN AND ORDERED A CUP OF COFFEE
AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUPPET.

IN AND ORDERED A CUP OF COFFEE
AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUPPET.
I WAS OUTRAGED.

AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUPPET.
I WAS OUTRAGED.
BESIDES, THE BURNT FABRIC WOULD

I WAS OUTRAGED.
BESIDES, THE BURNT FABRIC WOULD
GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.

BESIDES, THE BURNT FABRIC WOULD
GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.
NO, NO.

GET STUCK IN YOUR TEETH.
NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO, NO.
NO, NO, NO, NO.
THE MAN OBVIOUSLY ORDERED A

NO, NO, NO, NO.
THE MAN OBVIOUSLY ORDERED A
MUFFIN, SCRED... A CUP OF COFFEE

THE MAN OBVIOUSLY ORDERED A
MUFFIN, SCRED... A CUP OF COFFEE
AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUFFIN.

MUFFIN, SCRED... A CUP OF COFFEE
AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUFFIN.
NEVER MIND.

AND A TOASTED ENGLISH MUFFIN.
NEVER MIND.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?

NEVER MIND.
SEE WHAT I MEAN?
AND I CAN SING, TOO.

SEE WHAT I MEAN?
AND I CAN SING, TOO.
WANT TO HEAR ME SING?

AND I CAN SING, TOO.
WANT TO HEAR ME SING?
[CLEARS THROAT]

WANT TO HEAR ME SING?
[CLEARS THROAT]
LISTEN TO THIS.

[CLEARS THROAT]
LISTEN TO THIS.
♪ I DON'T WANT TO SET

LISTEN TO THIS.
♪ I DON'T WANT TO SET
THE WORLD ON FIRE ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO SET
THE WORLD ON FIRE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT TO START

THE WORLD ON FIRE ♪
♪ I JUST WANT TO START
A FLAME IN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ I JUST WANT TO START
A FLAME IN YOUR HEART ♪
EXCUSE ME.

A FLAME IN YOUR HEART ♪
EXCUSE ME.
UH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, SCRED?

EXCUSE ME.
UH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, SCRED?
OH, UH, NOTHING.

UH, WHAT'S GOIN' ON HERE, SCRED?
OH, UH, NOTHING.
NOTHING.

OH, UH, NOTHING.
NOTHING.
I WAS JUST TELLING MR., UH, TONY

NOTHING.
I WAS JUST TELLING MR., UH, TONY
HERE HOW WELL YOU SANG.

I WAS JUST TELLING MR., UH, TONY
HERE HOW WELL YOU SANG.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.

HERE HOW WELL YOU SANG.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.
US MUPPETS GOT TO STICK

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY NICE.
US MUPPETS GOT TO STICK
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.

US MUPPETS GOT TO STICK
TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.
ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE,

TOGETHER, YOU KNOW.
ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE,
RIGHT, SCRED?

ONE FOR ALL AND ALL FOR ONE,
RIGHT, SCRED?
YEAH, RIGHT.

RIGHT, SCRED?
YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU.

YEAH, RIGHT.
HEY, LISTEN, YOU.
HAVE YOU TALKED TO SOMEBODY

HEY, LISTEN, YOU.
HAVE YOU TALKED TO SOMEBODY
ABOUT WHEN WE GET TO DO OUR

HAVE YOU TALKED TO SOMEBODY
ABOUT WHEN WE GET TO DO OUR
THING ON THE SHOW?

ABOUT WHEN WE GET TO DO OUR
THING ON THE SHOW?
HAVE YOU DONE THAT YET?

THING ON THE SHOW?
HAVE YOU DONE THAT YET?
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.

HAVE YOU DONE THAT YET?
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
HMM?

I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
HMM?
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.

HMM?
I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
OKAY.

I'M WORKIN' ON IT.
OKAY.
I'VE SPOKEN TO THE PRODUCER.

OKAY.
I'VE SPOKEN TO THE PRODUCER.
HE'S GONNA FIND SOMETHING FOR

I'VE SPOKEN TO THE PRODUCER.
HE'S GONNA FIND SOMETHING FOR
YOU.

HE'S GONNA FIND SOMETHING FOR
YOU.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO MY

YOU.
SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO MY
DRESSING ROOM AND SING?

SO WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO MY
DRESSING ROOM AND SING?
SING, YOU KNOW, KIND OF WARM UP

DRESSING ROOM AND SING?
SING, YOU KNOW, KIND OF WARM UP
YOUR VOICE A LITTLE BIT.

SING, YOU KNOW, KIND OF WARM UP
YOUR VOICE A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH, WE FOUGHT THIS SHOW TO

YOUR VOICE A LITTLE BIT.
YEAH, WE FOUGHT THIS SHOW TO
SEE YOUR DRESSING ROOM.

YEAH, WE FOUGHT THIS SHOW TO
SEE YOUR DRESSING ROOM.
IT'S REALLY NICE.

SEE YOUR DRESSING ROOM.
IT'S REALLY NICE.
IT'S GOT TILE ALL OVER THE WALL

IT'S REALLY NICE.
IT'S GOT TILE ALL OVER THE WALL
AND LOTS OF SINKS AND BOOTHS.

IT'S GOT TILE ALL OVER THE WALL
AND LOTS OF SINKS AND BOOTHS.
AND, UH, HEY, BUT WHAT... HOW

AND LOTS OF SINKS AND BOOTHS.
AND, UH, HEY, BUT WHAT... HOW
COME ALL THE SEATS HAVE HOLES IN

AND, UH, HEY, BUT WHAT... HOW
COME ALL THE SEATS HAVE HOLES IN
THEM?

COME ALL THE SEATS HAVE HOLES IN
THEM?
COME ON, SCRED.

THEM?
COME ON, SCRED.
WE'LL GO BACK THERE.

COME ON, SCRED.
WE'LL GO BACK THERE.
THERE'S A GOOD ECHO IN THERE,

WE'LL GO BACK THERE.
THERE'S A GOOD ECHO IN THERE,
AND WE CAN REHEARSE OUR SINGING.

THERE'S A GOOD ECHO IN THERE,
AND WE CAN REHEARSE OUR SINGING.
THANKS, TONY.

AND WE CAN REHEARSE OUR SINGING.
THANKS, TONY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER

THANKS, TONY.
WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK AFTER
THIS MESSAGE.

[Imitating Gerald Ford]
LOOKS LIKE IT.

ALMOST EVERY WEEK ON THIS
SHOW, THERE'S A SHORT FILM BY
GARY WEIS.

SHOW, THERE'S A SHORT FILM BY
GARY WEIS.
AND HE'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THIS

GARY WEIS.
AND HE'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THIS
WEEK'S FILM.

AND HE'LL TELL YOU ABOUT THIS
WEEK'S FILM.
THANK YOU.

WEEK'S FILM.
THANK YOU.
UH, IN THE LAST SHOW, MY FILM

THANK YOU.
UH, IN THE LAST SHOW, MY FILM
WAS ABOUT AN ARTIST,

UH, IN THE LAST SHOW, MY FILM
WAS ABOUT AN ARTIST,
BILL WEGMAN, AND HIS DOG,

WAS ABOUT AN ARTIST,
BILL WEGMAN, AND HIS DOG,
MAN RAY.

BILL WEGMAN, AND HIS DOG,
MAN RAY.
AND IN MY FILM THIS WEEK...

MAN RAY.
AND IN MY FILM THIS WEEK...
MY FILM THIS WEEK IS ABOUT FIVE

AND IN MY FILM THIS WEEK...
MY FILM THIS WEEK IS ABOUT FIVE
OTHER NEW YORKERS AND THE

MY FILM THIS WEEK IS ABOUT FIVE
OTHER NEW YORKERS AND THE
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEM AND

OTHER NEW YORKERS AND THE
RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THEM AND
THEIR PETS.

YOU KNOW, JOJO, I GUESS

THERE'S NO SENSE IN GOING TO

HOLLYWOOD WITHOUT YOU.

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T WRITE A DOG A

LETTER, CAN YOU?

I MEAN, YOU CAN'T GIVE A DOG A

PHONE CALL.

COURSE, IT WOULD BE VERY SIMPLE
IF WE FOUND A RICH LADY.
THEN WE COULD TAKE YOU RIGHT TO

IF WE FOUND A RICH LADY.
THEN WE COULD TAKE YOU RIGHT TO
BEVERLY HILLS, CHECK YOU IN TO A

THEN WE COULD TAKE YOU RIGHT TO
BEVERLY HILLS, CHECK YOU IN TO A
BEAUTY PARLOR, HAVE THEM

BEVERLY HILLS, CHECK YOU IN TO A
BEAUTY PARLOR, HAVE THEM
HIGHLIGHT YOUR HAIR.

BEAUTY PARLOR, HAVE THEM
HIGHLIGHT YOUR HAIR.
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BLUE-BLACK.

HIGHLIGHT YOUR HAIR.
YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BLUE-BLACK.
KEEP YOU OUT THERE.

YOU KNOW, A LITTLE BLUE-BLACK.
KEEP YOU OUT THERE.
PUT YOU ON TV, YOU KNOW?

KEEP YOU OUT THERE.
PUT YOU ON TV, YOU KNOW?
LET'S GO, JOJO.

PUT YOU ON TV, YOU KNOW?
LET'S GO, JOJO.
COME ON.

LET'S GO, JOJO.
COME ON.
LET'S GO. UP.

COME ON.
LET'S GO. UP.
COME ON. UP.

LET'S GO. UP.
COME ON. UP.
LOOK AT THAT, JOJO. LOOK.

COME ON. UP.
LOOK AT THAT, JOJO. LOOK.
LOOK AT THAT SKYLINE.

LOOK AT THAT, JOJO. LOOK.
LOOK AT THAT SKYLINE.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE

LOOK AT THAT SKYLINE.
YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE
THAT IN LOS ANGELES.

YOU'LL NEVER SEE ANYTHING LIKE
THAT IN LOS ANGELES.
OOH, JOJO.

THAT IN LOS ANGELES.
OOH, JOJO.
THIS DOG IS EATING A BISCUIT.

OOH, JOJO.
THIS DOG IS EATING A BISCUIT.
RACHEL SERAFINA, IS THAT A GOOD

THIS DOG IS EATING A BISCUIT.
RACHEL SERAFINA, IS THAT A GOOD
BISCUIT?

[MUNCHES]

I'VE TRIED TO MATE SYLVIA SINCE

SHE HAS HAD THESE, UH, THIS

PUPPY AND THE FOUR OTHERS THAT

SHE HAD IN THAT LITTER.

BUT SHE REJECTED CHAMPIONS.
WE WOULD SIT IN THEIR HOUSES FOR
10 DAYS WHILE SHE BIT AND BIT

WE WOULD SIT IN THEIR HOUSES FOR
10 DAYS WHILE SHE BIT AND BIT
AND BIT THESE BEAUTIFUL DOGS.

10 DAYS WHILE SHE BIT AND BIT
AND BIT THESE BEAUTIFUL DOGS.
AND THEN, ONE NIGHT ON THE

AND BIT THESE BEAUTIFUL DOGS.
AND THEN, ONE NIGHT ON THE
STREET, 1:00 IN THE MORNING, AT

AND THEN, ONE NIGHT ON THE
STREET, 1:00 IN THE MORNING, AT
THE END OF HER HEAT, AROUND THE

STREET, 1:00 IN THE MORNING, AT
THE END OF HER HEAT, AROUND THE
CORNER COMES A CHAMPION

THE END OF HER HEAT, AROUND THE
CORNER COMES A CHAMPION
LHASA APSO.

CORNER COMES A CHAMPION
LHASA APSO.
HE CIRCLES AROUND HER TWICE, AND

LHASA APSO.
HE CIRCLES AROUND HER TWICE, AND
CRACK!

HE CIRCLES AROUND HER TWICE, AND
CRACK!
THEY GOT STUCK FOR AN HOUR.

THEY'RE GONNA LOVE THIS.

HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

HERE, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY, KITTY,
KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
COME ON.

KITTY, KITTY, KITTY.
COME ON.
VERY GOOD.

COME ON.
VERY GOOD.
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU ATE

VERY GOOD.
IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU ATE
SOMETHING, TOO.

IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU ATE
SOMETHING, TOO.
COME ON.

SOMETHING, TOO.
COME ON.
EXCUSE ME.

COME ON.
EXCUSE ME.
MAURICE, LET EDDIE GET IN HERE.

EXCUSE ME.
MAURICE, LET EDDIE GET IN HERE.
HE HASN'T EATEN ANYTHING IN

MAURICE, LET EDDIE GET IN HERE.
HE HASN'T EATEN ANYTHING IN
THREE WEEKS.

HE HASN'T EATEN ANYTHING IN
THREE WEEKS.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.

THREE WEEKS.
IT'S ABOUT TIME.
GIVE HIM SOME.

IT'S ABOUT TIME.
GIVE HIM SOME.
MOVE OVER.

GIVE HIM SOME.
MOVE OVER.
JUST MOVE OVER ONE.

MOVE OVER.
JUST MOVE OVER ONE.
MOVE OVER, JUST LIKE IN THE

JUST MOVE OVER ONE.
MOVE OVER, JUST LIKE IN THE
COMMERCIALS.

MOVE OVER, JUST LIKE IN THE
COMMERCIALS.
THAT'S GOOD.

COMMERCIALS.
THAT'S GOOD.
HMM?

THAT'S GOOD.
HMM?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO IF YOU DON'T

HMM?
YOU DON'T HAVE TO IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO.
OH, MAURICE.

IN FACT, I... ON TELEVISION

CAT COMMERCIALS.

KIKI.

ON TELEVISION CAT COMMERCIALS,

HE, UH, HE DOESN'T RESPOND,

BECAUSE THE CATS ARE OBVIOUSLY

NOT REAL CATS... THE SOUND OF

THE CAT.

AND, UH...
THAT'S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE.
I KNOW.

THAT'S MAKING TOO MUCH NOISE.
I KNOW.
I KNOW FROM... I'M AN OLD PRO.

UH, BABY, I FOUND IN, UH...

A PET-SHOP WINDOW.

AND I WATCHED IT FOR A WEEK, AND

SHE'S MY FIRST EXPERIENCE WITH

AN ANIMAL.

AND I, UH, AS A MATTER OF FACT,
I WENT TO MY ANALYST, AND I
SAID, "IF I TAKE THAT CAT HOME,

I WENT TO MY ANALYST, AND I
SAID, "IF I TAKE THAT CAT HOME,
WILL I PREFER THE CAT TO

SAID, "IF I TAKE THAT CAT HOME,
WILL I PREFER THE CAT TO
PEOPLE?"

WILL I PREFER THE CAT TO
PEOPLE?"
AND HE SAID, "WELL, TAKE A

PEOPLE?"
AND HE SAID, "WELL, TAKE A
CHANCE."

AND HE SAID, "WELL, TAKE A
CHANCE."
THE DOG'S NAME IS DAMITA.

CHANCE."
THE DOG'S NAME IS DAMITA.
"DAMITA" MEANS "LITTLE LADY."

THE DOG'S NAME IS DAMITA.
"DAMITA" MEANS "LITTLE LADY."
AND SHE'S A LAPDOG, AND SHE'S

"DAMITA" MEANS "LITTLE LADY."
AND SHE'S A LAPDOG, AND SHE'S
NOT REQUIRED TO BE OR TO DO

AND SHE'S A LAPDOG, AND SHE'S
NOT REQUIRED TO BE OR TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SIT ON YOUR

NOT REQUIRED TO BE OR TO DO
ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SIT ON YOUR
LAP AND PASS WIND.

ANYTHING ELSE EXCEPT SIT ON YOUR
LAP AND PASS WIND.
SHE'S ABSOLUTELY FULL OF IT.

GOODBYE.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
COME IN.
PROFESSOR TRELLIS, CAN I

COME IN.
PROFESSOR TRELLIS, CAN I
SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

PROFESSOR TRELLIS, CAN I
SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SHERRY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?

SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?
SHERRY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
WELL, IT'S ABOUT MY TERM

SHERRY, WHAT IS IT ABOUT?
WELL, IT'S ABOUT MY TERM
PAPER.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT MY TERM
PAPER.
I WANTED TO DISCUSS MY GRADE.

PAPER.
I WANTED TO DISCUSS MY GRADE.
DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?

I WANTED TO DISCUSS MY GRADE.
DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
YES, I DO, AND I REALLY JUST

DO YOU HAVE IT WITH YOU?
YES, I DO, AND I REALLY JUST
DON'T THINK I DESERVE THIS BEE.

YES, I DO, AND I REALLY JUST
DON'T THINK I DESERVE THIS BEE.
I GAVE YOU THIS BEE, SHERRY,

DON'T THINK I DESERVE THIS BEE.
I GAVE YOU THIS BEE, SHERRY,
BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE APPROACH TO

I GAVE YOU THIS BEE, SHERRY,
BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE APPROACH TO
KIERKEGAARD'S PHILOSOPHY WAS

BECAUSE YOUR WHOLE APPROACH TO
KIERKEGAARD'S PHILOSOPHY WAS
HISTORICALLY INCORRECT.

KIERKEGAARD'S PHILOSOPHY WAS
HISTORICALLY INCORRECT.
OH.

HISTORICALLY INCORRECT.
OH.
YOU SAY THAT KIERKEGAARD'S

OH.
YOU SAY THAT KIERKEGAARD'S
PRECEPTS DERIVED FROM CERTAIN

YOU SAY THAT KIERKEGAARD'S
PRECEPTS DERIVED FROM CERTAIN
EXISTENTIAL TENETS.

PRECEPTS DERIVED FROM CERTAIN
EXISTENTIAL TENETS.
BUT THIS WAS ERRONEOUS IN LIGHT

EXISTENTIAL TENETS.
BUT THIS WAS ERRONEOUS IN LIGHT
OF THE FACT THAT KIERKEGAARD

BUT THIS WAS ERRONEOUS IN LIGHT
OF THE FACT THAT KIERKEGAARD
HIMSELF FRAMED THESE VERY

OF THE FACT THAT KIERKEGAARD
HIMSELF FRAMED THESE VERY
TENETS.

HIMSELF FRAMED THESE VERY
TENETS.
AM I RIGHT?

TENETS.
AM I RIGHT?
KIERKEGAARD'S ETHICS COULDN'T

AM I RIGHT?
KIERKEGAARD'S ETHICS COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN GROUNDED IN A

KIERKEGAARD'S ETHICS COULDN'T
POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN GROUNDED IN A
REACTION TO FEUDAL ENGLAND WHEN

POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN GROUNDED IN A
REACTION TO FEUDAL ENGLAND WHEN
THE MAN'S LIFE WAS SPENT

REACTION TO FEUDAL ENGLAND WHEN
THE MAN'S LIFE WAS SPENT
ENTIRELY IN DENMARK.

THE MAN'S LIFE WAS SPENT
ENTIRELY IN DENMARK.
AM I WRONG?

ENTIRELY IN DENMARK.
AM I WRONG?
OH, GOD.

AM I WRONG?
OH, GOD.
AND YOUR CLAIM THAT HIS

OH, GOD.
AND YOUR CLAIM THAT HIS
PHILOSOPHIC CONSTRUCT WAS

AND YOUR CLAIM THAT HIS
PHILOSOPHIC CONSTRUCT WAS
DERIVATIVE OF SARTRE WOULD HAVE

PHILOSOPHIC CONSTRUCT WAS
DERIVATIVE OF SARTRE WOULD HAVE
BEEN SUBSTANTIATED ONLY IF

DERIVATIVE OF SARTRE WOULD HAVE
BEEN SUBSTANTIATED ONLY IF
KIERKEGAARD HAD SUMMERED IN

BEEN SUBSTANTIATED ONLY IF
KIERKEGAARD HAD SUMMERED IN
FRANCE 50 YEARS AFTER HIS OWN

KIERKEGAARD HAD SUMMERED IN
FRANCE 50 YEARS AFTER HIS OWN
DEATH.

FRANCE 50 YEARS AFTER HIS OWN
DEATH.
AM I BORING YOU?

DEATH.
AM I BORING YOU?
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY

AM I BORING YOU?
OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY
EXPLANATION OF HIS ONTOLOGY IN

OKAY, BUT WHAT ABOUT MY
EXPLANATION OF HIS ONTOLOGY IN
LIGHT OF 19th-CENTURY

EXPLANATION OF HIS ONTOLOGY IN
LIGHT OF 19th-CENTURY
RATIONALISM?

LIGHT OF 19th-CENTURY
RATIONALISM?
I FOUND IT WEAK.

RATIONALISM?
I FOUND IT WEAK.
WELL, OKAY.

I FOUND IT WEAK.
WELL, OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT MY ANALYSIS OF HIS,

WELL, OKAY.
WHAT ABOUT MY ANALYSIS OF HIS,
UM, PHILOSOPHICAL GROWTH IN THE,

WHAT ABOUT MY ANALYSIS OF HIS,
UM, PHILOSOPHICAL GROWTH IN THE,
UH, CONTEXT OF RUDIMENTARY

UM, PHILOSOPHICAL GROWTH IN THE,
UH, CONTEXT OF RUDIMENTARY
CATHOLICISM?

UH, CONTEXT OF RUDIMENTARY
CATHOLICISM?
THE PAPER JUST WASN'T "A"

CATHOLICISM?
THE PAPER JUST WASN'T "A"
STANDARDS IN CONTENT OR FORM.

THE PAPER JUST WASN'T "A"
STANDARDS IN CONTENT OR FORM.
I REFER HERE SPECIFICALLY TO

STANDARDS IN CONTENT OR FORM.
I REFER HERE SPECIFICALLY TO
WHERE YOU SCRATCHED OUT THAT

I REFER HERE SPECIFICALLY TO
WHERE YOU SCRATCHED OUT THAT
WHOLE SENTENCE AND THEN WROTE,

WHERE YOU SCRATCHED OUT THAT
WHOLE SENTENCE AND THEN WROTE,
"PLEASE DON'T READ THIS," OVER

WHOLE SENTENCE AND THEN WROTE,
"PLEASE DON'T READ THIS," OVER
IT.

"PLEASE DON'T READ THIS," OVER
IT.
I KNOW.

IT.
I KNOW.
OKAY. OKAY.

I KNOW.
OKAY. OKAY.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?

OKAY. OKAY.
CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
COFFEE, POLLEN?

CAN I GET YOU SOMETHING?
COFFEE, POLLEN?
I'M COOL.

COFFEE, POLLEN?
I'M COOL.
OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE

I'M COOL.
OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THIS BEE

OKAY, I GUESS I'LL JUST HAVE
TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THIS BEE
AND TAKE THIS BEE HOME TO MY

TO LEARN TO LIVE WITH THIS BEE
AND TAKE THIS BEE HOME TO MY
PARENTS AND EVERYTHING AND SHOW

AND TAKE THIS BEE HOME TO MY
PARENTS AND EVERYTHING AND SHOW
THIS BEE TO GRAD SCHOOLS.

PARENTS AND EVERYTHING AND SHOW
THIS BEE TO GRAD SCHOOLS.
ALL RIGHT, SHERRY.

THIS BEE TO GRAD SCHOOLS.
ALL RIGHT, SHERRY.
ALL RIGHT.

ALL RIGHT, SHERRY.
ALL RIGHT.
WHILE I DON'T ORDINARILY LIKE TO

ALL RIGHT.
WHILE I DON'T ORDINARILY LIKE TO
CHANGE MARKS, IN YOUR CASE, I'M

WHILE I DON'T ORDINARILY LIKE TO
CHANGE MARKS, IN YOUR CASE, I'M
GONNA MAKE AN EXCEPTION.

CHANGE MARKS, IN YOUR CASE, I'M
GONNA MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
OH, GOD, PROFESSOR TRELLIS.

GONNA MAKE AN EXCEPTION.
OH, GOD, PROFESSOR TRELLIS.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BEE

OH, GOD, PROFESSOR TRELLIS.
I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BEE
PLUS.

I'M GONNA GIVE YOU A BEE
PLUS.
AND REMEMBER FOR THE FINALS,

PLUS.
AND REMEMBER FOR THE FINALS,
KIERKEGAARD WAS THE

AND REMEMBER FOR THE FINALS,
KIERKEGAARD WAS THE
PHILOSOPHICAL FORERUNNER OF

KIERKEGAARD WAS THE
PHILOSOPHICAL FORERUNNER OF
BUBER, DESCARTES, SARTRE, AND

PHILOSOPHICAL FORERUNNER OF
BUBER, DESCARTES, SARTRE, AND
CAMUS.

BUBER, DESCARTES, SARTRE, AND
CAMUS.
I'LL REMEMBER.

CAMUS.
I'LL REMEMBER.
CORRECT?

I'LL REMEMBER.
CORRECT?
YEAH.

CORRECT?
YEAH.
THANK YOU.

YEAH.
THANK YOU.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I

THANK YOU.
NOW GET OUT OF HERE BEFORE I
CHANGE MY MIND.

OF COURSE, MANY PEOPLE FIRST
GOT TO KNOW ME FROM "PSYCHO,"
THE CLASSIC HITCHCOCK THRILLER.

GOT TO KNOW ME FROM "PSYCHO,"
THE CLASSIC HITCHCOCK THRILLER.
BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS

THE CLASSIC HITCHCOCK THRILLER.
BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS
THAT, AFTER "PSYCHO," I MUST

BUT WHAT PEOPLE DON'T REALIZE IS
THAT, AFTER "PSYCHO," I MUST
HAVE MADE AT LEAST A DOZEN

THAT, AFTER "PSYCHO," I MUST
HAVE MADE AT LEAST A DOZEN
CHEAPO HORROR MOVIES, LIKE

HAVE MADE AT LEAST A DOZEN
CHEAPO HORROR MOVIES, LIKE
"THE BIG MIDGET"...

CHEAPO HORROR MOVIES, LIKE
"THE BIG MIDGET"...
"THIRST FOR SOLIDS"...

"THE BIG MIDGET"...
"THIRST FOR SOLIDS"...
"DIAL 'N' FOR NERDER"...

"THIRST FOR SOLIDS"...
"DIAL 'N' FOR NERDER"...
AND "A PINCH OF SNUFF."

"DIAL 'N' FOR NERDER"...
AND "A PINCH OF SNUFF."
NOW, THAT LAST PICTURE,

AND "A PINCH OF SNUFF."
NOW, THAT LAST PICTURE,
"A PINCH OF SNUFF," STARRED A

NOW, THAT LAST PICTURE,
"A PINCH OF SNUFF," STARRED A
VERY PROMISING YOUNG

"A PINCH OF SNUFF," STARRED A
VERY PROMISING YOUNG
SOUTH AMERICAN ACTRESS WHO I

VERY PROMISING YOUNG
SOUTH AMERICAN ACTRESS WHO I
THOUGHT HAD A VERY PROMISING

SOUTH AMERICAN ACTRESS WHO I
THOUGHT HAD A VERY PROMISING
CAREER.

THOUGHT HAD A VERY PROMISING
CAREER.
BUT IT DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WAY.

CAREER.
BUT IT DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WAY.
UH...

BUT IT DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT WAY.
UH...
IT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT

UH...
IT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT
WAY.

IT JUST DIDN'T TURN OUT THAT
WAY.
THE FOLLOWING ARE THE COMING

WAY.
THE FOLLOWING ARE THE COMING
ATTRACTIONS FOR THREE OF THE

THE FOLLOWING ARE THE COMING
ATTRACTIONS FOR THREE OF THE
BEST OF THESE CHEAPO HORROR

ATTRACTIONS FOR THREE OF THE
BEST OF THESE CHEAPO HORROR
FILMS.

BEST OF THESE CHEAPO HORROR
FILMS.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]

FILMS.
[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I'M THINKING OF HAVING MY

[DRAMATIC MUSIC PLAYS]
I'M THINKING OF HAVING MY
HAIR STREAKED, TIPPY.

I'M THINKING OF HAVING MY
HAIR STREAKED, TIPPY.
DO YOU THINK IT WILL SUIT ME?

HAIR STREAKED, TIPPY.
DO YOU THINK IT WILL SUIT ME?
OH, MARNY, WITH YOUR

DO YOU THINK IT WILL SUIT ME?
OH, MARNY, WITH YOUR
COMPLEXION, YOU COULD GET AWAY

OH, MARNY, WITH YOUR
COMPLEXION, YOU COULD GET AWAY
WITH PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.

COMPLEXION, YOU COULD GET AWAY
WITH PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY.

WITH PRACTICALLY ANYTHING.
OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
Announcer: IT STARTED AS AN

OH, THAT'S LOVELY.
Announcer: IT STARTED AS AN
INNOCENT LUNCH.

Announcer: IT STARTED AS AN
INNOCENT LUNCH.
IT ENDED IN TERROR AND TRAGEDY.

INNOCENT LUNCH.
IT ENDED IN TERROR AND TRAGEDY.
SO, YOU WERE THE ASPARAGUS?

IT ENDED IN TERROR AND TRAGEDY.
SO, YOU WERE THE ASPARAGUS?
WHY, I DIDN'T ORDER

SO, YOU WERE THE ASPARAGUS?
WHY, I DIDN'T ORDER
ASPARAGUS.

WHY, I DIDN'T ORDER
ASPARAGUS.
AAH!

ASPARAGUS.
AAH!
TIPPY, IT WAS ME.

AAH!
TIPPY, IT WAS ME.
I ORDERED THE ASPARAGUS.

TIPPY, IT WAS ME.
I ORDERED THE ASPARAGUS.
OH.

I ORDERED THE ASPARAGUS.
OH.
AAH!

OH.
AAH!
THEN IT WAS YOU THAT HAD THE

AAH!
THEN IT WAS YOU THAT HAD THE
HOLLANDAISE.

THEN IT WAS YOU THAT HAD THE
HOLLANDAISE.
OH, NO.

HOLLANDAISE.
OH, NO.
THE... THE BROCCOLI

OH, NO.
THE... THE BROCCOLI
HOLLANDAISE.

THE... THE BROCCOLI
HOLLANDAISE.
OH, NO, NOT... NOT THE

HOLLANDAISE.
OH, NO, NOT... NOT THE
HOLLANDAISE.

OH, NO, NOT... NOT THE
HOLLANDAISE.
AAH!

HOLLANDAISE.
AAH!
BUT, TIPPY, I THOUGHT... I

AAH!
BUT, TIPPY, I THOUGHT... I
THOUGHT YOU LIKED HOLLANDAISE.

BUT, TIPPY, I THOUGHT... I
THOUGHT YOU LIKED HOLLANDAISE.
AAH!

Announcer: "TERROR LUNCH"...
YOU MAY NEVER EAT OUT LUNCH
AGAIN.

YOU MAY NEVER EAT OUT LUNCH
AGAIN.
WARNING... NO ONE WILL BE

AGAIN.
WARNING... NO ONE WILL BE
SEATED DURING THE SHOCKING

WARNING... NO ONE WILL BE
SEATED DURING THE SHOCKING
CAESAR-SALAD SEQUENCE.

SEATED DURING THE SHOCKING
CAESAR-SALAD SEQUENCE.
"TERROR LUNCH"... SEE IT WITH

CAESAR-SALAD SEQUENCE.
"TERROR LUNCH"... SEE IT WITH
SOMEONE YOU HATE.

"TERROR LUNCH"... SEE IT WITH
SOMEONE YOU HATE.
SHE WAS THE INNOCENT DUPE OF A

SOMEONE YOU HATE.
SHE WAS THE INNOCENT DUPE OF A
PSYCHOPATHIC HEAD BUYER AT

SHE WAS THE INNOCENT DUPE OF A
PSYCHOPATHIC HEAD BUYER AT
BLOOMINGDALE'S.

PSYCHOPATHIC HEAD BUYER AT
BLOOMINGDALE'S.
HER ONLY CRIME WAS IN WANTING TO

BLOOMINGDALE'S.
HER ONLY CRIME WAS IN WANTING TO
LOOK GREAT.

HER ONLY CRIME WAS IN WANTING TO
LOOK GREAT.
OH, I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE

LOOK GREAT.
OH, I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE
DAY SHOPPING.

OH, I HAD THE MOST INCREDIBLE
DAY SHOPPING.
YEAH?

DAY SHOPPING.
YEAH?
THIS MAN PICKED OUT MY ENTIRE

YEAH?
THIS MAN PICKED OUT MY ENTIRE
OUTFIT FOR ME.

THIS MAN PICKED OUT MY ENTIRE
OUTFIT FOR ME.
WELL, DARLING, WHAT DO YOU

OUTFIT FOR ME.
WELL, DARLING, WHAT DO YOU
THINK?

WELL, DARLING, WHAT DO YOU
THINK?
ALISHA, YOU LOOK

THINK?
ALISHA, YOU LOOK
BREATHTAKING.

ALISHA, YOU LOOK
BREATHTAKING.
OH, JAMES.

BREATHTAKING.
OH, JAMES.
DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT?

OH, JAMES.
DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT?
IT'S EXQUISITE, DARLING.

DO YOU REALLY LIKE IT?
IT'S EXQUISITE, DARLING.
YOU'VE NEVER APPEARED TO BE SO

IT'S EXQUISITE, DARLING.
YOU'VE NEVER APPEARED TO BE SO
GLAMOROUS.

YOU'VE NEVER APPEARED TO BE SO
GLAMOROUS.
AAH!

Announcer: SHE LOOKED SO

GORGEOUS, YOU COULD DIE, AND

MANY DID.

DANGEROUS AS SHE IS DEVASTATING,

SHE IS GROOMED TO A FAULT.

AND THOUGH SHE NEVER SUSPECTS

IT, SHE IS DRESSED TO KILL.

HE'S NOT ACTING LIKE HE

LIKES IT.

OH, MOM, WHY CAN'T I WALK TO
SCHOOL LIKE THE REST OF THE
GUYS?

SCHOOL LIKE THE REST OF THE
GUYS?
Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS

GUYS?
Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS
THE BOY.

Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS
THE BOY.
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT OVER YOUR

THE BOY.
BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT OVER YOUR
COLD YET, THAT'S WHY.

BECAUSE YOU'RE NOT OVER YOUR
COLD YET, THAT'S WHY.
Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS

COLD YET, THAT'S WHY.
Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS
HIS MOTHER.

Announcer: TONY PERKINS IS
HIS MOTHER.
BUT I'M ALL BETTER, AND

HIS MOTHER.
BUT I'M ALL BETTER, AND
SCHOOL'S ONLY A BLOCK AND A HALF

BUT I'M ALL BETTER, AND
SCHOOL'S ONLY A BLOCK AND A HALF
AWAY.

SCHOOL'S ONLY A BLOCK AND A HALF
AWAY.
I SAID NO.

AWAY.
I SAID NO.
NO?

I SAID NO.
NO?
NO!

NO?
NO!
BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED

NO!
BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO LITTLE STEVIE BREWSTER.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED
TO LITTLE STEVIE BREWSTER.
THE DOCTORS SAY HE'LL NEVER HAVE

TO LITTLE STEVIE BREWSTER.
THE DOCTORS SAY HE'LL NEVER HAVE
A HAIRLINE AGAIN.

THE DOCTORS SAY HE'LL NEVER HAVE
A HAIRLINE AGAIN.
Announcer: THE MOTHER... SHE

A HAIRLINE AGAIN.
Announcer: THE MOTHER... SHE
HAD A LICENSE.

Announcer: THE MOTHER... SHE
HAD A LICENSE.
SHE HAD A LICENSE TO DRIVE, AND

HAD A LICENSE.
SHE HAD A LICENSE TO DRIVE, AND
SHE DROVE HIM... TO SCHOOL.

SHE HAD A LICENSE TO DRIVE, AND
SHE DROVE HIM... TO SCHOOL.
TONY PERKINS IS...

♪ DRIVEN, DRIVEN, DRIVEN TO
SCHOOL ♪
GETTING A LIFT WAS NEVER LIKE

SCHOOL ♪
GETTING A LIFT WAS NEVER LIKE
THIS.

GETTING A LIFT WAS NEVER LIKE
THIS.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

NOW HERE'S THIS WEEK'S HOME
MOVIE SENT IN BY YOU VIEWERS.
IT'S CALLED "P-NUT FEVER," AND

MOVIE SENT IN BY YOU VIEWERS.
IT'S CALLED "P-NUT FEVER," AND
IT'S BY PHILIP VAN DE CARR.

[LAUGHTER]

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A HOME

MOVIE, SUPER 8 OR 16-MILLIMETER,

OF APPROXIMATELY TWO MINUTES,

SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND

CURRENT ADDRESS.

THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

COMPENSATION AT ALL.

THAT MEANS YOU DON'T GET PAID.

[BETTY CARTER'S "I CAN'T HELP

[IT" PLAYS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, ONCE

AGAIN, BETTY CARTER.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHAME ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHAME ♪
♪ I TRY TO DO THE THINGS ♪

♪ I DON'T KNOW HOW TO SHAME ♪
♪ I TRY TO DO THE THINGS ♪
♪ I FEEL INSIDE ♪

♪ I TRY TO DO THE THINGS ♪
♪ I FEEL INSIDE ♪
♪ BELIEVE ME, IT'S THE REAL

♪ I FEEL INSIDE ♪
♪ BELIEVE ME, IT'S THE REAL
DEAL ♪

♪ BELIEVE ME, IT'S THE REAL
DEAL ♪
♪ AHH ♪

DEAL ♪
♪ AHH ♪
♪ HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ♪

♪ AHH ♪
♪ HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ♪
♪ WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR SOUL? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ♪
♪ WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR SOUL? ♪
♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME

♪ WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR SOUL? ♪
♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME
OTHER'S ROLE ♪

♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME
OTHER'S ROLE ♪
♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪

OTHER'S ROLE ♪
♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪
♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪

♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪
♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪
♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪

♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪
♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪
♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU

♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪
♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU
SEE? ♪

♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU
SEE? ♪
♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪

SEE? ♪
♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T

♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T
HELP IT ♪

♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T
HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪

HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ THAT I AM ♪

♪ HAVE YOU CONSIDERED ♪
♪ WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR SOUL? ♪
♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME

♪ WHAT IT DOES TO YOUR SOUL? ♪
♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME
OTHER'S ROLE ♪

♪ YOU SELL IT WHEN YOU PLAY SOME
OTHER'S ROLE ♪
♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪

OTHER'S ROLE ♪
♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪
♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪

♪ SO BE YOURSELF, YES ♪
♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪
♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪

♪ IN WHAT YOU CHOOSE TO BE ♪
♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪
♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU

♪ DON'T LET THEM CHANGE YOU ♪
♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU
SEE? ♪

♪ THEY NEED YOU, CAN'T YOU
SEE? ♪
♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪

SEE? ♪
♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T

♪ SO TRY IT, AND MAYBE ♪
♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T
HELP IT ♪

♪ YOU'LL LIKE IT, 'CAUSE I CAN'T
HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪

HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY THAT I AM ♪
♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT IS ♪

♪ I CAN'T HELP IT ♪
♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT IS ♪
♪ FOR ME ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT IS ♪
♪ FOR ME ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[DISCO MUSIC PLAYS]

OKAY, HI.
WELCOME TO BUTT COUNTY...
WELCOME TO THE BUTT COUNTY

WELCOME TO BUTT COUNTY...
WELCOME TO THE BUTT COUNTY
HIGHWAY-PATROL TV DANCE PARTY.

WELCOME TO THE BUTT COUNTY
HIGHWAY-PATROL TV DANCE PARTY.
I'M SHERIFF RICK PHILLIPS, AND

HIGHWAY-PATROL TV DANCE PARTY.
I'M SHERIFF RICK PHILLIPS, AND
WE GOT A CHOP-BUSTING DISCO

I'M SHERIFF RICK PHILLIPS, AND
WE GOT A CHOP-BUSTING DISCO
DANCE PARTY TODAY... TOP TUNES,

WE GOT A CHOP-BUSTING DISCO
DANCE PARTY TODAY... TOP TUNES,
SOME REAL NICE PRIZES, AND ALL

DANCE PARTY TODAY... TOP TUNES,
SOME REAL NICE PRIZES, AND ALL
THE KIDS FROM BUTT COUNTY SENIOR

SOME REAL NICE PRIZES, AND ALL
THE KIDS FROM BUTT COUNTY SENIOR
HIGH... ALL SET FOR A WHOLE LOT

THE KIDS FROM BUTT COUNTY SENIOR
HIGH... ALL SET FOR A WHOLE LOT
OF FUN, DANCING, AND POLICE

HIGH... ALL SET FOR A WHOLE LOT
OF FUN, DANCING, AND POLICE
SUPERVISION.

OF FUN, DANCING, AND POLICE
SUPERVISION.
LET'S START THINGS OFF WITH LAST

SUPERVISION.
LET'S START THINGS OFF WITH LAST
WEEK'S HIGHWAY-PATROL BIG HIT,

LET'S START THINGS OFF WITH LAST
WEEK'S HIGHWAY-PATROL BIG HIT,
"FLY, ROBIN, FLY."

WEEK'S HIGHWAY-PATROL BIG HIT,
"FLY, ROBIN, FLY."
[CHEERING]

"FLY, ROBIN, FLY."
[CHEERING]
[SILVER CONVENTION'S "FLY,

[CHEERING]
[SILVER CONVENTION'S "FLY,
ROBIN, FLY" PLAYS]

[SILVER CONVENTION'S "FLY,
ROBIN, FLY" PLAYS]
♪ FLY, ROBIN, FLY ♪

[ROBIN, FLY" PLAYS]
♪ FLY, ROBIN, FLY ♪
OKAY, THAT'S PLENTY OF THAT.

♪ FLY, ROBIN, FLY ♪
OKAY, THAT'S PLENTY OF THAT.
NOW LET'S GET ON DOWN TO OUR OWN

OKAY, THAT'S PLENTY OF THAT.
NOW LET'S GET ON DOWN TO OUR OWN
DISCO DEPUTY, LARRY RONTZ, AND

NOW LET'S GET ON DOWN TO OUR OWN
DISCO DEPUTY, LARRY RONTZ, AND
OUR FIRST SPOT-DANCE COUPLE.

DISCO DEPUTY, LARRY RONTZ, AND
OUR FIRST SPOT-DANCE COUPLE.
LARRY.

OUR FIRST SPOT-DANCE COUPLE.
LARRY.
DISCO DANCE MOBILE ONE, DISCO

LARRY.
DISCO DANCE MOBILE ONE, DISCO
DANCE MOBILE ONE RIGHT HERE,

DISCO DANCE MOBILE ONE, DISCO
DANCE MOBILE ONE RIGHT HERE,
SHERIFF.

DANCE MOBILE ONE RIGHT HERE,
SHERIFF.
WE GOT OUR SPOT-DANCE WINNERS

SHERIFF.
WE GOT OUR SPOT-DANCE WINNERS
RIGHT HERE, AND OUR FIRST

WE GOT OUR SPOT-DANCE WINNERS
RIGHT HERE, AND OUR FIRST
SPOT-DANCE WINNER IS

RIGHT HERE, AND OUR FIRST
SPOT-DANCE WINNER IS
MR. DENNIS TIMPLITT AND

SPOT-DANCE WINNER IS
MR. DENNIS TIMPLITT AND
MISS QUEENIE LUSK, AND THEY BOTH

MR. DENNIS TIMPLITT AND
MISS QUEENIE LUSK, AND THEY BOTH
GO TO BUTT COUNTY SENIOR HIGH

MISS QUEENIE LUSK, AND THEY BOTH
GO TO BUTT COUNTY SENIOR HIGH
SCHOOL.

GO TO BUTT COUNTY SENIOR HIGH
SCHOOL.
YOU WORK AT BUTT'S AUTO GLASS

SCHOOL.
YOU WORK AT BUTT'S AUTO GLASS
AFTER SCHOOL, IT SAYS HERE, AND

YOU WORK AT BUTT'S AUTO GLASS
AFTER SCHOOL, IT SAYS HERE, AND
QUEENIE, YOU CHEW SMALL BITS OF

AFTER SCHOOL, IT SAYS HERE, AND
QUEENIE, YOU CHEW SMALL BITS OF
FOOD WITH YOUR TEETH ACCORDING

QUEENIE, YOU CHEW SMALL BITS OF
FOOD WITH YOUR TEETH ACCORDING
TO YOUR DENTAL CARD HERE.

FOOD WITH YOUR TEETH ACCORDING
TO YOUR DENTAL CARD HERE.
HOW'D THESE KIDS GET DOWN

TO YOUR DENTAL CARD HERE.
HOW'D THESE KIDS GET DOWN
HERE TODAY, LARRY?

HOW'D THESE KIDS GET DOWN
HERE TODAY, LARRY?
OVER, SHERIFF.

HERE TODAY, LARRY?
OVER, SHERIFF.
HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE TODAY?

OVER, SHERIFF.
HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE TODAY?
WE DROVE DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD

HOW DID YOU GET DOWN HERE TODAY?
WE DROVE DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD
VIA EXIT 13.

WE DROVE DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD
VIA EXIT 13.
THEY CAME DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD

VIA EXIT 13.
THEY CAME DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD
VIA EXIT 13, SHERIFF, OVER.

THEY CAME DOWN NORTHSIDE ROAD
VIA EXIT 13, SHERIFF, OVER.
EXIT 13's STILL FLOODED OUT,

VIA EXIT 13, SHERIFF, OVER.
EXIT 13's STILL FLOODED OUT,
ISN'T IT?

EXIT 13's STILL FLOODED OUT,
ISN'T IT?
I'LL FIND OUT FOR YOU,

ISN'T IT?
I'LL FIND OUT FOR YOU,
SHERIFF, OVER.

I'LL FIND OUT FOR YOU,
SHERIFF, OVER.
IS IT STILL FLOODED OUT?

SHERIFF, OVER.
IS IT STILL FLOODED OUT?
DRY, DRY AS A BONE, BUT...

IS IT STILL FLOODED OUT?
DRY, DRY AS A BONE, BUT...
SAYS THEY'RE DRY AS A BONE

DRY, DRY AS A BONE, BUT...
SAYS THEY'RE DRY AS A BONE
THERE, SHERIFF.

SAYS THEY'RE DRY AS A BONE
THERE, SHERIFF.
BUT QUEENIE DROVE.

THERE, SHERIFF.
BUT QUEENIE DROVE.
IT WAS HER CAR.

BUT QUEENIE DROVE.
IT WAS HER CAR.
HER CAR, SHERIFF.

IT WAS HER CAR.
HER CAR, SHERIFF.
I'M A LUCKY GUY.

HER CAR, SHERIFF.
I'M A LUCKY GUY.
SAYS HE'S A LUCKY GUY,

I'M A LUCKY GUY.
SAYS HE'S A LUCKY GUY,
SHERIFF.

SAYS HE'S A LUCKY GUY,
SHERIFF.
UH-HUH, I GUESS YOU ARE.

SHERIFF.
UH-HUH, I GUESS YOU ARE.
OKAY, QUEENIE, WOULD THAT CAR BE

UH-HUH, I GUESS YOU ARE.
OKAY, QUEENIE, WOULD THAT CAR BE
A 1966 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT

OKAY, QUEENIE, WOULD THAT CAR BE
A 1966 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT
CONVERTIBLE?

A 1966 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT
CONVERTIBLE?
A '66 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT

CONVERTIBLE?
A '66 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT
CONVERTIBLE?

A '66 METALLIC-BLUE VALIANT
CONVERTIBLE?
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, WITH

CONVERTIBLE?
WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, WITH
CUTOUTS.

WELL, THAT'S RIGHT, WITH
CUTOUTS.
SURE IS, SHERIFF, OVER.

OKAY, WELL, LARRY'S GOT SOME

REAL NICE PRIZES FOR YOU.

YEAH, WE GOT SOME NICE

PRIZES.

DENNIS, WE GOT BARRY MANILOW'S

ALBUM FOR YOU.

BRING IT OVER HERE, LUKE.

THERE YOU GO.

AND QUEENIE, QUEENIE, BECAUSE

YOU'RE SUCH A NICE GIRL, WE GOT

A BOX OF DR. STOFFER'S LEG-CARE

PRODUCTS FOR YOU.

WE HOPE YOU LIKE THAT.

AND NOW, AS A SPECIAL TREAT,

WE'RE GOING TO RUN YOUR NAMES

THROUGH THE DANCE PARTY'S

CENTRAL COMPUTER, OKAY?

ALL RIGHT.
OOH, SHERIFF, SOMETHING CAME UP
THERE, I THINK.

OOH, SHERIFF, SOMETHING CAME UP
THERE, I THINK.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

THERE, I THINK.
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[ALARM RINGS]

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
[ALARM RINGS]
OOH, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

[ALARM RINGS]
OOH, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
THAT MUST MEAN A BREAK AT THE

OOH, WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?
THAT MUST MEAN A BREAK AT THE
STATE PRISON, SHERIFF.

THAT MUST MEAN A BREAK AT THE
STATE PRISON, SHERIFF.
I'M SURE THAT'S A BREAK AT THE

STATE PRISON, SHERIFF.
I'M SURE THAT'S A BREAK AT THE
STATE PRISON.

I'M SURE THAT'S A BREAK AT THE
STATE PRISON.
WE GOT TO RUN.

STATE PRISON.
WE GOT TO RUN.
KEEP DANCING, KIDS.

WE GOT TO RUN.
KEEP DANCING, KIDS.
KEEP DANCING.

KEEP DANCING, KIDS.
KEEP DANCING.
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE

KEEP DANCING.
WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE
FAST.

WE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE
FAST.
[WHAM!'s "LOVE MACHINE"

FAST.
[WHAM!'s "LOVE MACHINE"
PLAYS]

[WHAM!'s "LOVE MACHINE"
PLAYS]
♪ I'M JUST A LOVE MACHINE ♪

[PLAYS]
♪ I'M JUST A LOVE MACHINE ♪
♪ I WON'T WORK FOR NOBODY

♪ I'M JUST A LOVE MACHINE ♪
♪ I WON'T WORK FOR NOBODY
BUT YOU ♪

♪ I WON'T WORK FOR NOBODY
BUT YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, BABY ♪

BUT YOU ♪
♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
♪ I'M JUST A LOVE MACHINE ♪

♪ YEAH, BABY ♪
♪ I'M JUST A LOVE MACHINE ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, WE RAN
A LITTLE LATE...
HEY, HEY, HEY, ARE WE

A LITTLE LATE...
HEY, HEY, HEY, ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON?

HEY, HEY, HEY, ARE WE
SUPPOSED TO BE ON?
OH, YES, I ALMOST FORGOT.

SUPPOSED TO BE ON?
OH, YES, I ALMOST FORGOT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE

OH, YES, I ALMOST FORGOT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
MUPPETS.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, THE
MUPPETS.
OH, THANK YOU.

MUPPETS.
OH, THANK YOU.
DO IT.

OH, THANK YOU.
DO IT.
YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING

DO IT.
YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING
HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO THE

YOU KNOW, A FUNNY THING
HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO THE
STUDIO.

HAPPENED TO ME ON THE WAY TO THE
STUDIO.
YEAH, WE SAW THIS BUNCH OF

STUDIO.
YEAH, WE SAW THIS BUNCH OF
COWS.

YEAH, WE SAW THIS BUNCH OF
COWS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

COWS.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE ALL THE CATS?

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.
WHERE ARE ALL THE CATS?
Announcer: THIS IS DON PARDO.

WHERE ARE ALL THE CATS?
Announcer: THIS IS DON PARDO.
GOOD NIGHT!