Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 15 - Jill Clayburgh/Leon Redbone/The Singing Idlers - full transcript

IS REALLY TO TALK TO THE
PRODUCER.
THE PRODUCER IS THE PERSON WHO

PRODUCER.
THE PRODUCER IS THE PERSON WHO
KNOWS WHAT'S HAPPENING.

THE PRODUCER IS THE PERSON WHO
KNOWS WHAT'S HAPPENING.
AH, CHEVY.

KNOWS WHAT'S HAPPENING.
AH, CHEVY.
EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.

AH, CHEVY.
EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.
LORNE, LOOK, UH...

EXCUSE ME. I'M SORRY.
LORNE, LOOK, UH...
SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOWNSTAIRS,

LORNE, LOOK, UH...
SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOWNSTAIRS,
OPENING THE SHOW?

SHOULDN'T YOU BE DOWNSTAIRS,
OPENING THE SHOW?
I'M NOT GONNA DO THE FALL.

OPENING THE SHOW?
I'M NOT GONNA DO THE FALL.
I'M SORRY.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THE FALL.
I'M SORRY.
I KNOW WE HAD AN AGREEMENT, BUT

I'M SORRY.
I KNOW WE HAD AN AGREEMENT, BUT
I'M SICK OF BEING A CLOWN.



I KNOW WE HAD AN AGREEMENT, BUT
I'M SICK OF BEING A CLOWN.
I'M SICK OF JUST DOING FALLS...

I'M SICK OF BEING A CLOWN.
I'M SICK OF JUST DOING FALLS...
CHEVY, WE CAN'T BEGIN THE

I'M SICK OF JUST DOING FALLS...
CHEVY, WE CAN'T BEGIN THE
SHOW UNLESS YOU FALL.

CHEVY, WE CAN'T BEGIN THE
SHOW UNLESS YOU FALL.
BEING A DAMN NEWSMAN ALL

SHOW UNLESS YOU FALL.
BEING A DAMN NEWSMAN ALL
THE TIME.

BEING A DAMN NEWSMAN ALL
THE TIME.
I MEAN, I CAN'T DO IT, LORNE.

THE TIME.
I MEAN, I CAN'T DO IT, LORNE.
DO YOU REALIZE I WAS OFFERED A

I MEAN, I CAN'T DO IT, LORNE.
DO YOU REALIZE I WAS OFFERED A
"McMILLAN & WIFE"?

DO YOU REALIZE I WAS OFFERED A
"McMILLAN & WIFE"?
DO THEY DO FALLS ON

"McMILLAN & WIFE"?
DO THEY DO FALLS ON
"McMILLAN & WIFE"?

DO THEY DO FALLS ON
"McMILLAN & WIFE"?
THAT ISN'T THE POINT.

"McMILLAN & WIFE"?
THAT ISN'T THE POINT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUFFOON

THAT ISN'T THE POINT.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUFFOON
ANYMORE.

I DON'T WANT TO BE A BUFFOON
ANYMORE.
I'M SICK OF BEING IDENTIFIED



ANYMORE.
I'M SICK OF BEING IDENTIFIED
WITH SOME KIND OF... PEOPLE

I'M SICK OF BEING IDENTIFIED
WITH SOME KIND OF... PEOPLE
DON'T WANT TO SEE THE FALL

WITH SOME KIND OF... PEOPLE
DON'T WANT TO SEE THE FALL
ANYMORE.

DON'T WANT TO SEE THE FALL
ANYMORE.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT THE MOST

ANYMORE.
I'M TELLING YOU THAT THE MOST
POPULAR PART OF THE SHOW IS THE

I'M TELLING YOU THAT THE MOST
POPULAR PART OF THE SHOW IS THE
FALL.

POPULAR PART OF THE SHOW IS THE
FALL.
EVERY SHOW HAS OPENED WITH YOU

FALL.
EVERY SHOW HAS OPENED WITH YOU
FALLING.

EVERY SHOW HAS OPENED WITH YOU
FALLING.
I GET STACKS... STACKS OF MAIL.

FALLING.
I GET STACKS... STACKS OF MAIL.
HERE'S A LETTER RIGHT HERE, JUST

I GET STACKS... STACKS OF MAIL.
HERE'S A LETTER RIGHT HERE, JUST
ARRIVED.

HERE'S A LETTER RIGHT HERE, JUST
ARRIVED.
"LOVE THE FALL."

ARRIVED.
"LOVE THE FALL."
LET ME SEE THAT.

"LOVE THE FALL."
LET ME SEE THAT.
NO.

LET ME SEE THAT.
NO.
THEY'VE ALL SEEN THE

NO.
THEY'VE ALL SEEN THE
CHANDELIER AND THE LADDER.

THEY'VE ALL SEEN THE
CHANDELIER AND THE LADDER.
NO, THE CHANDELIER AND THE

CHANDELIER AND THE LADDER.
NO, THE CHANDELIER AND THE
LADDER IS THE MOST POPULAR FALL.

NO, THE CHANDELIER AND THE
LADDER IS THE MOST POPULAR FALL.
I THINK YOU COULD GO DOWN THERE,

LADDER IS THE MOST POPULAR FALL.
I THINK YOU COULD GO DOWN THERE,
OPEN WITH THE FALL, AND WE CAN

I THINK YOU COULD GO DOWN THERE,
OPEN WITH THE FALL, AND WE CAN
TALK... WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT

OPEN WITH THE FALL, AND WE CAN
TALK... WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT
SOME OTHER TIME.

TALK... WE CAN TALK ABOUT IT
SOME OTHER TIME.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE LAST

SOME OTHER TIME.
ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE LAST
TIME.

ALL RIGHT, THIS IS THE LAST
TIME.
TRUST ME ON THIS.

TIME.
TRUST ME ON THIS.
CAN I SEE THE LETTER, JUST

TRUST ME ON THIS.
CAN I SEE THE LETTER, JUST
SEE WHAT THEY SAID?

CAN I SEE THE LETTER, JUST
SEE WHAT THEY SAID?
DO THEY REALLY LIKE IT?

SEE WHAT THEY SAID?
DO THEY REALLY LIKE IT?
SEE?

DO THEY REALLY LIKE IT?
SEE?
MOST POPULAR THING.

SEE?
MOST POPULAR THING.
"LOVE THE FALL."

MOST POPULAR THING.
"LOVE THE FALL."
SO, IF YOU COULD JUST GO DOWN

"LOVE THE FALL."
SO, IF YOU COULD JUST GO DOWN
THERE AND OPEN WITH THE FALL,

SO, IF YOU COULD JUST GO DOWN
THERE AND OPEN WITH THE FALL,
CHEVY... BELIEVE ME.

THERE AND OPEN WITH THE FALL,
CHEVY... BELIEVE ME.
THEY REALLY LIKE IT.

CHEVY... BELIEVE ME.
THEY REALLY LIKE IT.
NO, IT'S THE MOST POPULAR THING

THEY REALLY LIKE IT.
NO, IT'S THE MOST POPULAR THING
ON THE SHOW.

NO, IT'S THE MOST POPULAR THING
ON THE SHOW.
GOOD LUCK!

ON THE SHOW.
GOOD LUCK!
I DON'T KNOW.

GOOD LUCK!
I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S THE BOSS.

I DON'T KNOW.
HE'S THE BOSS.
I WONDER IF I'VE BEEN CONNED

HE'S THE BOSS.
I WONDER IF I'VE BEEN CONNED
INTO SOMETHING.

I WONDER IF I'VE BEEN CONNED
INTO SOMETHING.
THEY LIKE THE FALL.

INTO SOMETHING.
THEY LIKE THE FALL.
THEY LIKE THE FALL.

THEY LIKE THE FALL.
THEY LIKE THE FALL.
"MY KNEE! MY HIP!"

THEY LIKE THE FALL.
"MY KNEE! MY HIP!"
NO?

"MY KNEE! MY HIP!"
NO?
THEY LIKE IT, BUT THIS IS THE

NO?
THEY LIKE IT, BUT THIS IS THE
LAST ONE.

THEY LIKE IT, BUT THIS IS THE
LAST ONE.
I CAN GET A "McMILLAN & WIFE."

LAST ONE.
I CAN GET A "McMILLAN & WIFE."
I CAN GET A "BARETTA."

I CAN GET A "McMILLAN & WIFE."
I CAN GET A "BARETTA."
I CAN GET JUST ABOUT ANY DAMN

I CAN GET A "BARETTA."
I CAN GET JUST ABOUT ANY DAMN
THING.

I CAN GET JUST ABOUT ANY DAMN
THING.
I'VE HAD IT.

THING.
I'VE HAD IT.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

I'VE HAD IT.
EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.
EXCUSE ME.
I'M SORRY.

I'M SORRY. I'M SORRY.
YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THE FALL
WITH THE CHANDELIER AND THE

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DO THE FALL
WITH THE CHANDELIER AND THE
LADDER AGAIN, ARE YOU?

WITH THE CHANDELIER AND THE
LADDER AGAIN, ARE YOU?
I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

DID YOU HEAR THAT?
NO. NO, I'M NOT.
I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO.

NO. NO, I'M NOT.
I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO.
I'VE GOT MUCH BETTER THINGS TO

I GOT BETTER THINGS TO DO.
I'VE GOT MUCH BETTER THINGS TO
DO THAN THAT.

I'VE GOT MUCH BETTER THINGS TO
DO THAN THAT.
I'M GONNA TELL LORNE THAT RIGHT

DO THAN THAT.
I'M GONNA TELL LORNE THAT RIGHT
NOW.

I'M GONNA TELL LORNE THAT RIGHT
NOW.
AND THEN HE'S GONNA TELL ME...

NOW.
AND THEN HE'S GONNA TELL ME...
[LAUGHTER]

AND THEN HE'S GONNA TELL ME...
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]
[MUTTERING]

[APPLAUSE]
[MUTTERING]
WHOA.

[MUTTERING]
WHOA.
EXCUSE ME.

WHOA.
EXCUSE ME.
I'VE HAD IT.

EXCUSE ME.
I'VE HAD IT.
I'VE HAD IT.

I'VE HAD IT.
I'VE HAD IT.
[LAUGHTER]

I'VE HAD IT.
[LAUGHTER]
"THIS IS IT, LORNE.

[LAUGHTER]
"THIS IS IT, LORNE.
THIS IS IT, BOY.

"THIS IS IT, LORNE.
THIS IS IT, BOY.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE

THIS IS IT, BOY.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE
TALKING ABOUT."

THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT THEY WERE
TALKING ABOUT."
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.

TALKING ABOUT."
NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I'M NOT DOING IT, AND I'M GONNA

NO, ABSOLUTELY NOT.
I'M NOT DOING IT, AND I'M GONNA
TELL YOU WHY.

I'M NOT DOING IT, AND I'M GONNA
TELL YOU WHY.
WHY?

TELL YOU WHY.
WHY?
PERHAPS WE COULD...

WHY?
PERHAPS WE COULD...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S

PERHAPS WE COULD...
LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!

LIVE FROM NEW YORK, IT'S
"SATURDAY NIGHT"!
[BAND PLAYS]

Announcer: STARRING...

WITH THEIR GUESTS...

FROM THE UNITED STATES COAST
GUARD CHOIR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

GUARD CHOIR.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JILL CLAYBURGH!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
JILL CLAYBURGH!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HI.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE

THANK YOU. THANK YOU.
WELL, I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE
TONIGHT'S HOST.

WELL, I'M REALLY HAPPY TO BE
TONIGHT'S HOST.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO

TONIGHT'S HOST.
YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO
PREPARE FOR IT.

YOU KNOW, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW TO
PREPARE FOR IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIVE TELEVISION,

PREPARE FOR IT.
I MEAN, IT'S LIVE TELEVISION,
AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE CONNECTED

I MEAN, IT'S LIVE TELEVISION,
AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE CONNECTED
WITH THE SHOW ARE, UH... WELL,

AND MOST OF THE PEOPLE CONNECTED
WITH THE SHOW ARE, UH... WELL,
THEY'RE MY AGE, AND THEY DON'T

WITH THE SHOW ARE, UH... WELL,
THEY'RE MY AGE, AND THEY DON'T
KNOW MUCH MORE THAN I DO ABOUT

THEY'RE MY AGE, AND THEY DON'T
KNOW MUCH MORE THAN I DO ABOUT
IT.

KNOW MUCH MORE THAN I DO ABOUT
IT.
SO I DID, UM... WELL, IT SEEMED

IT.
SO I DID, UM... WELL, IT SEEMED
TO BE THE MOST SENSIBLE THING.

SO I DID, UM... WELL, IT SEEMED
TO BE THE MOST SENSIBLE THING.
I WENT RIGHT TO THE ONE PERSON

TO BE THE MOST SENSIBLE THING.
I WENT RIGHT TO THE ONE PERSON
WHO'S CONNECTED WITH THE SHOW

I WENT RIGHT TO THE ONE PERSON
WHO'S CONNECTED WITH THE SHOW
WHO HAS... WELL, HE HAS MORE

WHO'S CONNECTED WITH THE SHOW
WHO HAS... WELL, HE HAS MORE
EXPERIENCE IN LIVE TELEVISION

WHO HAS... WELL, HE HAS MORE
EXPERIENCE IN LIVE TELEVISION
THAN ANYBODY.

EXPERIENCE IN LIVE TELEVISION
THAN ANYBODY.
HE'S A WONDERFUL GENTLEMEN, AND

THAN ANYBODY.
HE'S A WONDERFUL GENTLEMEN, AND
HIS NAME IS DON PARDO.

HE'S A WONDERFUL GENTLEMEN, AND
HIS NAME IS DON PARDO.
[APPLAUSE]

HIS NAME IS DON PARDO.
[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE ANNOUNCER

[APPLAUSE]
YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE ANNOUNCER
ON "JEOPARDY!" AND LOTS OF OTHER

YOU KNOW, HE WAS THE ANNOUNCER
ON "JEOPARDY!" AND LOTS OF OTHER
PROGRAMS LIKE THAT, AND I ASKED

ON "JEOPARDY!" AND LOTS OF OTHER
PROGRAMS LIKE THAT, AND I ASKED
HIM TO HELP ME, AND, OH, WELL,

PROGRAMS LIKE THAT, AND I ASKED
HIM TO HELP ME, AND, OH, WELL,
HE COULDN'T DO ENOUGH.

HIM TO HELP ME, AND, OH, WELL,
HE COULDN'T DO ENOUGH.
AND THE THING ABOUT HIM IS THAT

HE COULDN'T DO ENOUGH.
AND THE THING ABOUT HIM IS THAT
HE'S NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT A

AND THE THING ABOUT HIM IS THAT
HE'S NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT A
GAME-SHOW ANNOUNCER TO BE.

HE'S NOT WHAT YOU'D EXPECT A
GAME-SHOW ANNOUNCER TO BE.
I MEAN, HE HAS A REALLY CULTURED

GAME-SHOW ANNOUNCER TO BE.
I MEAN, HE HAS A REALLY CULTURED
BACKGROUND AND, WELL, I HAD

I MEAN, HE HAS A REALLY CULTURED
BACKGROUND AND, WELL, I HAD
QUITE AN EVENING WITH HIM.

BACKGROUND AND, WELL, I HAD
QUITE AN EVENING WITH HIM.
FIRST, DON PICKED ME UP IN HIS

QUITE AN EVENING WITH HIM.
FIRST, DON PICKED ME UP IN HIS
CAR.

FIRST, DON PICKED ME UP IN HIS
CAR.
Announcer: NOT JUST ANY CAR,

CAR.
Announcer: NOT JUST ANY CAR,
JILL.

Announcer: NOT JUST ANY CAR,
JILL.
THAT WAS A 1936 COUPE DEVILLE,

JILL.
THAT WAS A 1936 COUPE DEVILLE,
JUST ONE OF THE MANY

THAT WAS A 1936 COUPE DEVILLE,
JUST ONE OF THE MANY
ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILES FROM THE

JUST ONE OF THE MANY
ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILES FROM THE
DON PARDO CLASSIC CAR

ANTIQUE AUTOMOBILES FROM THE
DON PARDO CLASSIC CAR
COLLECTION... SILVER-TRIMMED FOR

DON PARDO CLASSIC CAR
COLLECTION... SILVER-TRIMMED FOR
COMFORT, TASTE, AND A SMOOTH AND

COLLECTION... SILVER-TRIMMED FOR
COMFORT, TASTE, AND A SMOOTH AND
EASY RIDE.

COMFORT, TASTE, AND A SMOOTH AND
EASY RIDE.
CHICAGO 60608.

EASY RIDE.
CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?

CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?
YEAH.

JILL?
YEAH.
WELL, AFTER HE PICKED ME UP, WE

YEAH.
WELL, AFTER HE PICKED ME UP, WE
TOOK A DRIVE TO DON'S HOME.

WELL, AFTER HE PICKED ME UP, WE
TOOK A DRIVE TO DON'S HOME.
OH, WHAT A NICE HOUSE.

TOOK A DRIVE TO DON'S HOME.
OH, WHAT A NICE HOUSE.
Announcer: JILL, THAT'S THE

OH, WHAT A NICE HOUSE.
Announcer: JILL, THAT'S THE
MAGNIFICENT PARDO MANOR IN

Announcer: JILL, THAT'S THE
MAGNIFICENT PARDO MANOR IN
UPSTATE NEW YORK... 36 ROOMS OF

MAGNIFICENT PARDO MANOR IN
UPSTATE NEW YORK... 36 ROOMS OF
CUSTOM-DESIGNED FRENCH NORMANDY

UPSTATE NEW YORK... 36 ROOMS OF
CUSTOM-DESIGNED FRENCH NORMANDY
ELEGANCE, ONE OF THE MANY OF THE

CUSTOM-DESIGNED FRENCH NORMANDY
ELEGANCE, ONE OF THE MANY OF THE
DON PARDO ASSORTMENT OF FINE

ELEGANCE, ONE OF THE MANY OF THE
DON PARDO ASSORTMENT OF FINE
HOMES.

DON PARDO ASSORTMENT OF FINE
HOMES.
CHICAGO 60608.

HOMES.
CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?

CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NICE HOUSE.

JILL?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NICE HOUSE.
WELL, WE WENT INSIDE, AND, OH, I

YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, NICE HOUSE.
WELL, WE WENT INSIDE, AND, OH, I
SAW ALL THESE WONDERFUL

WELL, WE WENT INSIDE, AND, OH, I
SAW ALL THESE WONDERFUL
WORKS OF ART.

SAW ALL THESE WONDERFUL
WORKS OF ART.
AND I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS

WORKS OF ART.
AND I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS
ONE BEAUTIFUL PRINT IN

AND I REMEMBER THERE WAS THIS
ONE BEAUTIFUL PRINT IN
PARTICULAR...

ONE BEAUTIFUL PRINT IN
PARTICULAR...
Announcer: A PRINT, JILL?

PARTICULAR...
Announcer: A PRINT, JILL?
LOOK AGAIN!

Announcer: A PRINT, JILL?
LOOK AGAIN!
THAT'S AN ORIGINAL CéZANNE, HIS

LOOK AGAIN!
THAT'S AN ORIGINAL CéZANNE, HIS
STILL LIFE WITH PLASTER, JUST

THAT'S AN ORIGINAL CéZANNE, HIS
STILL LIFE WITH PLASTER, JUST
ONE IN THE COLLECTION OF THE

STILL LIFE WITH PLASTER, JUST
ONE IN THE COLLECTION OF THE
DON PARDO FRENCH MASTERS SERIES.

ONE IN THE COLLECTION OF THE
DON PARDO FRENCH MASTERS SERIES.
CHICAGO 60608.

DON PARDO FRENCH MASTERS SERIES.
CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?

CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?
WELL, AFTER WE DINED, WE

JILL?
WELL, AFTER WE DINED, WE
DISCUSSED THE SHOW, AND I MET

WELL, AFTER WE DINED, WE
DISCUSSED THE SHOW, AND I MET
ONE OF HIS SONS.

DISCUSSED THE SHOW, AND I MET
ONE OF HIS SONS.
Announcer: NOT JUST ANY SON,

ONE OF HIS SONS.
Announcer: NOT JUST ANY SON,
JILL, BUT YOUNG DON PARDO III!

Announcer: NOT JUST ANY SON,
JILL, BUT YOUNG DON PARDO III!
SEVEN YEARS OF EXCITING LIFE HAS

JILL, BUT YOUNG DON PARDO III!
SEVEN YEARS OF EXCITING LIFE HAS
BEEN ALL HIS, EDUCATED AT FINE

SEVEN YEARS OF EXCITING LIFE HAS
BEEN ALL HIS, EDUCATED AT FINE
NEW YORK PRIVATE SCHOOLS, AND

BEEN ALL HIS, EDUCATED AT FINE
NEW YORK PRIVATE SCHOOLS, AND
HE'LL GO ON TO SUCH SCHOOLS AS

NEW YORK PRIVATE SCHOOLS, AND
HE'LL GO ON TO SUCH SCHOOLS AS
ANDOVER, HARVARD, AND YALE

HE'LL GO ON TO SUCH SCHOOLS AS
ANDOVER, HARVARD, AND YALE
GRADUATE SCHOOL!

ANDOVER, HARVARD, AND YALE
GRADUATE SCHOOL!
DON IS ONE OF A SET OF FIVE

GRADUATE SCHOOL!
DON IS ONE OF A SET OF FIVE
MATCHING CHILDREN FROM THE

DON IS ONE OF A SET OF FIVE
MATCHING CHILDREN FROM THE
DON PARDO COLLECTION OF FINE

MATCHING CHILDREN FROM THE
DON PARDO COLLECTION OF FINE
YOUNGSTERS.

DON PARDO COLLECTION OF FINE
YOUNGSTERS.
CHICAGO 60608.

YOUNGSTERS.
CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?

CHICAGO 60608.
JILL?
YEAH. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?

JILL?
YEAH. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM A

YEAH. YOU SEE WHAT I MEAN?
HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM A
REAL PRO.

HOW MUCH YOU CAN LEARN FROM A
REAL PRO.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY GONNA

REAL PRO.
YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY GONNA
HELP ME.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY GONNA
HELP ME.
THANKS, DON!

HELP ME.
THANKS, DON!
Announcer: YOU'RE WELCOME,

THANKS, DON!
Announcer: YOU'RE WELCOME,
JILL!

Announcer: YOU'RE WELCOME,
JILL!
WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.

JILL!
WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[APPLAUSE]

WELL, WE'LL BE RIGHT BACK.
[APPLAUSE]
Announcer: AND NOW...

A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN
THROUGH THE AGES.

[Austrian accent] HELLO,
ANNA.
HOW DID YOU SLEEP, LIEBKIND?

ANNA.
HOW DID YOU SLEEP, LIEBKIND?
[Austrian accent] OH, I

HOW DID YOU SLEEP, LIEBKIND?
[Austrian accent] OH, I
SLEPT VERY WELL, PAPA.

[Austrian accent] OH, I
SLEPT VERY WELL, PAPA.
YOU KNOW, I HAD THE STRANGEST

SLEPT VERY WELL, PAPA.
YOU KNOW, I HAD THE STRANGEST
DREAM, THOUGH.

YOU KNOW, I HAD THE STRANGEST
DREAM, THOUGH.
I DREAMT ABOUT A MAN WHO LOOKED

DREAM, THOUGH.
I DREAMT ABOUT A MAN WHO LOOKED
JUST LIKE YOU.

I DREAMT ABOUT A MAN WHO LOOKED
JUST LIKE YOU.
HE HAD A BEARD JUST LIKE YOURS,

JUST LIKE YOU.
HE HAD A BEARD JUST LIKE YOURS,
AND HE WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY

HE HAD A BEARD JUST LIKE YOURS,
AND HE WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY
FATHER.

AND HE WAS OLD ENOUGH TO BE MY
FATHER.
I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

FATHER.
I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
AND THEN HE WAS SITTING ON YOUR

I COULDN'T FIGURE IT OUT.
AND THEN HE WAS SITTING ON YOUR
BED, PAPA, ALONG WITH ALL MY

AND THEN HE WAS SITTING ON YOUR
BED, PAPA, ALONG WITH ALL MY
MALE COUSINS.

BED, PAPA, ALONG WITH ALL MY
MALE COUSINS.
AND THEY WERE ALL BOUND AND

MALE COUSINS.
AND THEY WERE ALL BOUND AND
GAGGED, EXCEPT FOR ONE ARM.

AND THEY WERE ALL BOUND AND
GAGGED, EXCEPT FOR ONE ARM.
AND EVERYBODY WAS BARE-NAKED.

GAGGED, EXCEPT FOR ONE ARM.
AND EVERYBODY WAS BARE-NAKED.
AND THEY HAD BOWLS OF WOOD IN

AND EVERYBODY WAS BARE-NAKED.
AND THEY HAD BOWLS OF WOOD IN
THEIR LAP, YOU KNOW?

AND THEY HAD BOWLS OF WOOD IN
THEIR LAP, YOU KNOW?
AND EVERYBODY KEPT OFFERING ME A

THEIR LAP, YOU KNOW?
AND EVERYBODY KEPT OFFERING ME A
BANANA.

AND EVERYBODY KEPT OFFERING ME A
BANANA.
I WAS NOT HUNGRY FOR A BANANA,

BANANA.
I WAS NOT HUNGRY FOR A BANANA,
THOUGH, YOU KNOW, EXCEPT WHEN

I WAS NOT HUNGRY FOR A BANANA,
THOUGH, YOU KNOW, EXCEPT WHEN
THE MAN WITH THE BEARD OFFERED

THOUGH, YOU KNOW, EXCEPT WHEN
THE MAN WITH THE BEARD OFFERED
ME THE BIGGEST AND RIPEST

THE MAN WITH THE BEARD OFFERED
ME THE BIGGEST AND RIPEST
BANANA.

ME THE BIGGEST AND RIPEST
BANANA.
OH, PAPA, THAT WAS THE ONLY

BANANA.
OH, PAPA, THAT WAS THE ONLY
BANANA I ATE.

OH, PAPA, THAT WAS THE ONLY
BANANA I ATE.
AND THEN... OOH, AND THEN THE

BANANA I ATE.
AND THEN... OOH, AND THEN THE
BED TURNED INTO A TRAIN, PAPA,

AND THEN... OOH, AND THEN THE
BED TURNED INTO A TRAIN, PAPA,
AND IT WENT THROUGH A TUNNEL.

BED TURNED INTO A TRAIN, PAPA,
AND IT WENT THROUGH A TUNNEL.
AND WE CAME OUT OF THE TUNNEL,

AND IT WENT THROUGH A TUNNEL.
AND WE CAME OUT OF THE TUNNEL,
AND THEN I FELL AND I FELL AND I

AND WE CAME OUT OF THE TUNNEL,
AND THEN I FELL AND I FELL AND I
FELL, AND THE MAN WITH THE BEARD

AND THEN I FELL AND I FELL AND I
FELL, AND THE MAN WITH THE BEARD
FELL AND FELL AND FELL.

FELL, AND THE MAN WITH THE BEARD
FELL AND FELL AND FELL.
AND THEN WE BOTH SMOKED A

FELL AND FELL AND FELL.
AND THEN WE BOTH SMOKED A
CIGARETTE.

AND THEN WE BOTH SMOKED A
CIGARETTE.
PAPA, WHAT DID THAT DREAM MEAN?

CIGARETTE.
PAPA, WHAT DID THAT DREAM MEAN?
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,

PAPA, WHAT DID THAT DREAM MEAN?
IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,
ANNA.

IT DOESN'T MEAN ANYTHING,
ANNA.
IT'S ONLY A DREAM.

ANNA.
IT'S ONLY A DREAM.
SOMETIMES A BANANA IS JUST A

IT'S ONLY A DREAM.
SOMETIMES A BANANA IS JUST A
BANANA.

SOMETIMES A BANANA IS JUST A
BANANA.
ANNA?

BANANA.
ANNA?
YES, PAPA?

ANNA?
YES, PAPA?
PLEASE DON'T MENTION THIS TO

YES, PAPA?
PLEASE DON'T MENTION THIS TO
MAMA.

PLEASE DON'T MENTION THIS TO
MAMA.
OH, I WON'T.

MAMA.
OH, I WON'T.
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN

OH, I WON'T.
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER...

DEDICATED AND INVOLVED, SHE

HAS A DREAM, A DREAM THAT EVERY

AMERICAN STUDENT, PROPERLY

MOTIVATED, CAN LIVE UP TO HIS OR

HER POTENTIAL.

SEND IN JULIO ALVAREZ.

GOOD AFTERNOON, JULIO.
WON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT?
UH, JULIO?

WON'T YOU TAKE A SEAT?
UH, JULIO?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

UH, JULIO?
NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME BACK.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.
COME BACK.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD BOY, NOW.

COME BACK.
OH, THAT'S A GOOD BOY, NOW.
UM, NOW, JULIO, ACCORDING TO

OH, THAT'S A GOOD BOY, NOW.
UM, NOW, JULIO, ACCORDING TO
YOUR RECORD, IT SEEMS THAT YOU

UM, NOW, JULIO, ACCORDING TO
YOUR RECORD, IT SEEMS THAT YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY HERE AT THE

YOUR RECORD, IT SEEMS THAT YOU
HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY HERE AT THE
JIMMY HOFFA MEMORIAL QUESTION

HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY HERE AT THE
JIMMY HOFFA MEMORIAL QUESTION
MARK HIGH SCHOOL.

JIMMY HOFFA MEMORIAL QUESTION
MARK HIGH SCHOOL.
NOW, LET'S SEE.

MARK HIGH SCHOOL.
NOW, LET'S SEE.
LAST MONTH YOU SET FIRE TO THE

NOW, LET'S SEE.
LAST MONTH YOU SET FIRE TO THE
REMEDIAL READING CLASS, AND TWO

LAST MONTH YOU SET FIRE TO THE
REMEDIAL READING CLASS, AND TWO
WEEKS AGO IN GEOMETRY MR. TROBE

REMEDIAL READING CLASS, AND TWO
WEEKS AGO IN GEOMETRY MR. TROBE
CAUGHT YOU CARVING YOUR INITIALS

WEEKS AGO IN GEOMETRY MR. TROBE
CAUGHT YOU CARVING YOUR INITIALS
INTO HIS NECK.

CAUGHT YOU CARVING YOUR INITIALS
INTO HIS NECK.
WHY, JULIO... JULIO, IF YOU KEEP

INTO HIS NECK.
WHY, JULIO... JULIO, IF YOU KEEP
UP THIS WAY, YOU ARE NEVER GOING

WHY, JULIO... JULIO, IF YOU KEEP
UP THIS WAY, YOU ARE NEVER GOING
TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL.

UP THIS WAY, YOU ARE NEVER GOING
TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL.
WHY, JULIO. YOU SEE?

TO GET INTO MED SCHOOL.
WHY, JULIO. YOU SEE?
YOU DO HAVE INITIATIVE.

WHY, JULIO. YOU SEE?
YOU DO HAVE INITIATIVE.
YOU ARE MOTIVATED.

YOU DO HAVE INITIATIVE.
YOU ARE MOTIVATED.
JULIO, JULIO, LET ME TELL YOU A

YOU ARE MOTIVATED.
JULIO, JULIO, LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY.

JULIO, JULIO, LET ME TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF

LITTLE STORY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
WALT DISNEY, PAL?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
WALT DISNEY, PAL?
WELL, HE WAS GOING TO BE A

WALT DISNEY, PAL?
WELL, HE WAS GOING TO BE A
REFRIGERATOR REPAIRMAN UNTIL

WELL, HE WAS GOING TO BE A
REFRIGERATOR REPAIRMAN UNTIL
HIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR POINTED

REFRIGERATOR REPAIRMAN UNTIL
HIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR POINTED
HIM TO CARTOONING AND

HIS GUIDANCE COUNSELOR POINTED
HIM TO CARTOONING AND
ILLUSTRATION.

HIM TO CARTOONING AND
ILLUSTRATION.
MICKEY MOUSE COULD HAVE BEEN A

ILLUSTRATION.
MICKEY MOUSE COULD HAVE BEEN A
BUILT-IN BUTTER DISH.

MICKEY MOUSE COULD HAVE BEEN A
BUILT-IN BUTTER DISH.
JULIO, I KNOW THAT ONE DAY YOU

BUILT-IN BUTTER DISH.
JULIO, I KNOW THAT ONE DAY YOU
COULD BE A DOCTOR... A SURGEON,

JULIO, I KNOW THAT ONE DAY YOU
COULD BE A DOCTOR... A SURGEON,
MAYBE.

COULD BE A DOCTOR... A SURGEON,
MAYBE.
OHH, JULIO! JULIO!

MAYBE.
OHH, JULIO! JULIO!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

OHH, JULIO! JULIO!
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OH!

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
OH!
HEY, SWEET PEA... UH,

OH!
HEY, SWEET PEA... UH,
MISS CARSON, HI. HOW ARE YOU?

HEY, SWEET PEA... UH,
MISS CARSON, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
HI.

MISS CARSON, HI. HOW ARE YOU?
HI.
JULIO, YOU KNOW MR. TAYLOR.

HI.
JULIO, YOU KNOW MR. TAYLOR.
HE'S THE MUSIC-APPRECIATION AND

JULIO, YOU KNOW MR. TAYLOR.
HE'S THE MUSIC-APPRECIATION AND
PHYS-ED TEACHER.

HE'S THE MUSIC-APPRECIATION AND
PHYS-ED TEACHER.
QUITE A TIME GETTING THAT

PHYS-ED TEACHER.
QUITE A TIME GETTING THAT
INDIAN CLUB OUT OF THAT TUBA

QUITE A TIME GETTING THAT
INDIAN CLUB OUT OF THAT TUBA
PLAYER LAST YEAR, EH, JULIO?

INDIAN CLUB OUT OF THAT TUBA
PLAYER LAST YEAR, EH, JULIO?
WELL...

PLAYER LAST YEAR, EH, JULIO?
WELL...
UM, JULIO, I THINK YOU BETTER BE

WELL...
UM, JULIO, I THINK YOU BETTER BE
RUNNING ON BACK TO CLASS, AND

UM, JULIO, I THINK YOU BETTER BE
RUNNING ON BACK TO CLASS, AND
I'LL CONTINUE WITH THIS ANOTHER

RUNNING ON BACK TO CLASS, AND
I'LL CONTINUE WITH THIS ANOTHER
TIME.

I'LL CONTINUE WITH THIS ANOTHER
TIME.
YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.

TIME.
YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]

YOU THINK ABOUT WHAT I SAID.
[WHISTLE BLOWS]
TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.

[WHISTLE BLOWS]
TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.
SAY, JILL, LISTEN... THE

TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT, TIME-OUT.
SAY, JILL, LISTEN... THE
FOOTBALL TEAM'S SINGING THE

SAY, JILL, LISTEN... THE
FOOTBALL TEAM'S SINGING THE
"MESSIAH" TONIGHT, AND I THOUGHT

FOOTBALL TEAM'S SINGING THE
"MESSIAH" TONIGHT, AND I THOUGHT
PERHAPS...

"MESSIAH" TONIGHT, AND I THOUGHT
PERHAPS...
NO, NO, NO, NO.

PERHAPS...
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M SORRY, PHIL, BUT TONIGHT I'M

NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'M SORRY, PHIL, BUT TONIGHT I'M
PAYING A VISIT TO JULIO'S

I'M SORRY, PHIL, BUT TONIGHT I'M
PAYING A VISIT TO JULIO'S
PARENTS.

PAYING A VISIT TO JULIO'S
PARENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME

PARENTS.
WHAT ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME
ON A BOY LIKE THAT FOR, HUH?

WHAT ARE YOU WASTING YOUR TIME
ON A BOY LIKE THAT FOR, HUH?
A BOY LIKE THAT COULD KILL YOUR

ON A BOY LIKE THAT FOR, HUH?
A BOY LIKE THAT COULD KILL YOUR
BROTHER.

A BOY LIKE THAT COULD KILL YOUR
BROTHER.
FORGET THAT BOY.

BROTHER.
FORGET THAT BOY.
FIND ANOTHER.

FORGET THAT BOY.
FIND ANOTHER.
OH, I CAN'T FORGET JULIO.

FIND ANOTHER.
OH, I CAN'T FORGET JULIO.
I CAN'T FORGET ANY OF THEM.

OH, I CAN'T FORGET JULIO.
I CAN'T FORGET ANY OF THEM.
YOU SAY, "A BOY LIKE THAT."

I CAN'T FORGET ANY OF THEM.
YOU SAY, "A BOY LIKE THAT."
DO YOU KNOW HOW A BOY LIKE THAT

YOU SAY, "A BOY LIKE THAT."
DO YOU KNOW HOW A BOY LIKE THAT
LIVES?

DO YOU KNOW HOW A BOY LIKE THAT
LIVES?
PHIL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A

LIVES?
PHIL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY.

PHIL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU A
LITTLE STORY.
GREAT.

LITTLE STORY.
GREAT.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A LIGHT

GREAT.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A LIGHT
BULB?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF A LIGHT
BULB?
YEAH. THOMAS EDISON.

BULB?
YEAH. THOMAS EDISON.
YEAH.

YEAH. THOMAS EDISON.
YEAH.
WELL, HE WAS GONNA BE A BROOM

YEAH.
WELL, HE WAS GONNA BE A BROOM
SALESMAN UNTIL HIS GUIDANCE

WELL, HE WAS GONNA BE A BROOM
SALESMAN UNTIL HIS GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR TOLD HIM ABOUT

SALESMAN UNTIL HIS GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR TOLD HIM ABOUT
WATERPOWER.

COUNSELOR TOLD HIM ABOUT
WATERPOWER.
PHIL, PHIL, I CAN'T TURN MY BACK

WATERPOWER.
PHIL, PHIL, I CAN'T TURN MY BACK
ON THE JULIOS OF THIS WORLD.

PHIL, PHIL, I CAN'T TURN MY BACK
ON THE JULIOS OF THIS WORLD.
SURE, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A

ON THE JULIOS OF THIS WORLD.
SURE, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A
9-TO-5 JOB, BUT, DAMN IT, PHIL,

SURE, THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE A
9-TO-5 JOB, BUT, DAMN IT, PHIL,
I CAN'T HELP IT IF MY HEART

9-TO-5 JOB, BUT, DAMN IT, PHIL,
I CAN'T HELP IT IF MY HEART
WORKS OVERTIME.

I CAN'T HELP IT IF MY HEART
WORKS OVERTIME.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET BACK

WORKS OVERTIME.
ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET BACK
TO THE "MESSIAH."

ALL RIGHT, I GOT TO GET BACK
TO THE "MESSIAH."
WE'RE REHEARSING THE CANTATA FOR

TO THE "MESSIAH."
WE'RE REHEARSING THE CANTATA FOR
HARPSICHORD AND PLACEKICKER, SO

WE'RE REHEARSING THE CANTATA FOR
HARPSICHORD AND PLACEKICKER, SO
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

HARPSICHORD AND PLACEKICKER, SO
I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "IN THE

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "IN THE
GHETTO" PLAYING]

[ELVIS PRESLEY'S "IN THE
GHETTO" PLAYING]
♪ ON A COLD AND GRAY CHICAGO

[GHETTO" PLAYING]
♪ ON A COLD AND GRAY CHICAGO
MORNING ♪

♪ ON A COLD AND GRAY CHICAGO
MORNING ♪
♪ A POOR LITTLE BABY CHILD IS

MORNING ♪
♪ A POOR LITTLE BABY CHILD IS
BORN ♪

♪ A POOR LITTLE BABY CHILD IS
BORN ♪
[Hispanic accent] TO ME,

BORN ♪
[Hispanic accent] TO ME,
ELVIS HAD HIS BEST HITS JUST

[Hispanic accent] TO ME,
ELVIS HAD HIS BEST HITS JUST
AFTER HE GOT OUT OF THE ARMY.

ELVIS HAD HIS BEST HITS JUST
AFTER HE GOT OUT OF THE ARMY.
BUT STILL, IT'S NICE HE WROTE A

AFTER HE GOT OUT OF THE ARMY.
BUT STILL, IT'S NICE HE WROTE A
SONG ABOUT US.

BUT STILL, IT'S NICE HE WROTE A
SONG ABOUT US.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]

SONG ABOUT US.
[DOORBELL BUZZES]
OH, COMING.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]
OH, COMING.
HELLO, MRS. ALVAREZ,

OH, COMING.
HELLO, MRS. ALVAREZ,
MR. ALVAREZ.

HELLO, MRS. ALVAREZ,
MR. ALVAREZ.
OHH. WHAT SQUALOR.

MR. ALVAREZ.
OHH. WHAT SQUALOR.
WE LIKE IT.

OHH. WHAT SQUALOR.
WE LIKE IT.
OH, YES, WELL, I'M

WE LIKE IT.
OH, YES, WELL, I'M
JILL CARSON, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.

OH, YES, WELL, I'M
JILL CARSON, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
HOW DO YOU DO?

JILL CARSON, GUIDANCE COUNSELOR.
HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?

HOW DO YOU DO?
HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

HOW DO YOU DO?
I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
YOUR SON JULIO.

I'M HERE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT
YOUR SON JULIO.
WHICH ONE?

YOUR SON JULIO.
WHICH ONE?
OH, YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE

WHICH ONE?
OH, YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE
SON JULIO?

OH, YOU HAVE MORE THAN ONE
SON JULIO?
WE ARE VERY POOR PEOPLE,

SON JULIO?
WE ARE VERY POOR PEOPLE,
MISS CARSON.

WE ARE VERY POOR PEOPLE,
MISS CARSON.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE EACH OF

MISS CARSON.
WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE EACH OF
OUR CHILDREN A NEW NAME.

WE CAN'T AFFORD TO GIVE EACH OF
OUR CHILDREN A NEW NAME.
AH.

OUR CHILDREN A NEW NAME.
AH.
WELL, HE'S SORT OF STOCKY, DARK,

AH.
WELL, HE'S SORT OF STOCKY, DARK,
KIND, BROWN EYES.

WELL, HE'S SORT OF STOCKY, DARK,
KIND, BROWN EYES.
YOU'D KNOW HIM TO SEE HIM.

KIND, BROWN EYES.
YOU'D KNOW HIM TO SEE HIM.
I KNOW WHICH JULIO YOU'RE

YOU'D KNOW HIM TO SEE HIM.
I KNOW WHICH JULIO YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.

I KNOW WHICH JULIO YOU'RE
TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, HE'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO

TALKING ABOUT.
YEAH, HE'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO
ANYTHING.

YEAH, HE'LL NEVER AMOUNT TO
ANYTHING.
HE'S THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE

ANYTHING.
HE'S THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE
FAMILY.

HE'S THE BLACK SHEEP OF THE
FAMILY.
MR. ALVAREZ, NO.

FAMILY.
MR. ALVAREZ, NO.
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.

MR. ALVAREZ, NO.
LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF

LET ME TELL YOU A LITTLE STORY.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
CAPE CANAVERAL, CHIEF?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
CAPE CANAVERAL, CHIEF?
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF ORBITING

CAPE CANAVERAL, CHIEF?
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF ORBITING
THE EARTH, BUDDY?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF ORBITING
THE EARTH, BUDDY?
NO.

THE EARTH, BUDDY?
NO.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF

NO.
DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
JOHN GLENN?

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF
JOHN GLENN?
JOHN WHO?

JOHN GLENN?
JOHN WHO?
JOHN GLENN WAS GOING TO BE A

JOHN WHO?
JOHN GLENN WAS GOING TO BE A
DRESS DESIGNER UNTIL HIS

JOHN GLENN WAS GOING TO BE A
DRESS DESIGNER UNTIL HIS
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TOLD HIM TO

DRESS DESIGNER UNTIL HIS
GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TOLD HIM TO
JOIN THE AIR FORCE.

GUIDANCE COUNSELOR TOLD HIM TO
JOIN THE AIR FORCE.
THE MOON SHOT COULD HAVE BEEN

JOIN THE AIR FORCE.
THE MOON SHOT COULD HAVE BEEN
HOT PANTS.

THE MOON SHOT COULD HAVE BEEN
HOT PANTS.
JULIO'S GOT EVERY BIT AS MUCH

HOT PANTS.
JULIO'S GOT EVERY BIT AS MUCH
ABILITY.

JULIO'S GOT EVERY BIT AS MUCH
ABILITY.
HE GOT AN I.Q. OF 46.

ABILITY.
HE GOT AN I.Q. OF 46.
OH, I.Q. TEST!

HE GOT AN I.Q. OF 46.
OH, I.Q. TEST!
TESTS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.

OH, I.Q. TEST!
TESTS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.
EINSTEIN FLUNKED GYM.

TESTS DON'T MEAN ANYTHING.
EINSTEIN FLUNKED GYM.
THAT KID IS NO GOOD.

EINSTEIN FLUNKED GYM.
THAT KID IS NO GOOD.
ONCE I SAW GOOD IN JULIO.

THAT KID IS NO GOOD.
ONCE I SAW GOOD IN JULIO.
BUT EVEN AS A CHILD HE USED TO

ONCE I SAW GOOD IN JULIO.
BUT EVEN AS A CHILD HE USED TO
PULL THE LEGS OFF DOGS.

BUT EVEN AS A CHILD HE USED TO
PULL THE LEGS OFF DOGS.
OH!

PULL THE LEGS OFF DOGS.
OH!
HE HAS THE HANDS OF A SURGEON.

OH!
HE HAS THE HANDS OF A SURGEON.
I'M WARNING YOU, MISS CARSON.

HE HAS THE HANDS OF A SURGEON.
I'M WARNING YOU, MISS CARSON.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM JULIO.

I'M WARNING YOU, MISS CARSON.
YOU STAY AWAY FROM JULIO.
HE'LL ONLY BREAK YOUR HEART OR

YOU STAY AWAY FROM JULIO.
HE'LL ONLY BREAK YOUR HEART OR
YOUR FACE OR YOUR LEGS...

HE'LL ONLY BREAK YOUR HEART OR
YOUR FACE OR YOUR LEGS...
NO, NO, NO, NO.

YOUR FACE OR YOUR LEGS...
NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT

NO, NO, NO, NO.
I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT
JULIO, MRS. ALVAREZ.

I'VE LEARNED SOMETHING ABOUT
JULIO, MRS. ALVAREZ.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MAKE ANY

JULIO, MRS. ALVAREZ.
AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MAKE ANY
SUDDEN MOVES, HE WON'T HURT YOU.

AS LONG AS YOU DON'T MAKE ANY
SUDDEN MOVES, HE WON'T HURT YOU.
HE'S REALLY A VERY, VERY KIND

SUDDEN MOVES, HE WON'T HURT YOU.
HE'S REALLY A VERY, VERY KIND
PERSON.

HE'S REALLY A VERY, VERY KIND
PERSON.
LOOK, THAT KID IS NO GOOD.

PERSON.
LOOK, THAT KID IS NO GOOD.
I'LL TELL YOU, A KID LIKE

LOOK, THAT KID IS NO GOOD.
I'LL TELL YOU, A KID LIKE
THAT... HE WOULD KILL YOUR

I'LL TELL YOU, A KID LIKE
THAT... HE WOULD KILL YOUR
BROTHER.

THAT... HE WOULD KILL YOUR
BROTHER.
FORGET THAT BOY AND FIND

BROTHER.
FORGET THAT BOY AND FIND
ANOTHER.

FORGET THAT BOY AND FIND
ANOTHER.
YEAH, ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND.

ANOTHER.
YEAH, ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND.
STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND.

YEAH, ONE OF YOUR OWN KIND.
STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND.
HE'S MAKING IT SO HARD ON

STICK TO YOUR OWN KIND.
HE'S MAKING IT SO HARD ON
HIMSELF.

HE'S MAKING IT SO HARD ON
HIMSELF.
MR. ALVAREZ, WHERE IS JULIO NOW?

HIMSELF.
MR. ALVAREZ, WHERE IS JULIO NOW?
DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD, I

MR. ALVAREZ, WHERE IS JULIO NOW?
DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD, I
GUESS.

DOWN BY THE SCHOOLYARD, I
GUESS.
MISS CARSON, HE WENT DOWN TO

GUESS.
MISS CARSON, HE WENT DOWN TO
THE MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK

MISS CARSON, HE WENT DOWN TO
THE MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK
AUDITORIUM.

THE MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK
AUDITORIUM.
HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT DOING A

AUDITORIUM.
HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT DOING A
FOOTBALL CONCERT OF HANDEL'S

HE SAID SOMETHING ABOUT DOING A
FOOTBALL CONCERT OF HANDEL'S
"MESSIAH."

FOOTBALL CONCERT OF HANDEL'S
"MESSIAH."
YOU CAN FIND HIM THERE.

"MESSIAH."
YOU CAN FIND HIM THERE.
HE WOULDN'T MISS IT.

YOU CAN FIND HIM THERE.
HE WOULDN'T MISS IT.
HE'S GOT NO MONEY TO GET IN.

HE WOULDN'T MISS IT.
HE'S GOT NO MONEY TO GET IN.
OH, HE'LL GET THE MONEY

HE'S GOT NO MONEY TO GET IN.
OH, HE'LL GET THE MONEY
SOMEHOW.

OH, HE'LL GET THE MONEY
SOMEHOW.
HE ALWAYS DOES.

SOMEHOW.
HE ALWAYS DOES.
WELL, I'M GOING DOWN THERE,

HE ALWAYS DOES.
WELL, I'M GOING DOWN THERE,
AND DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.

WELL, I'M GOING DOWN THERE,
AND DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.
[BABY CRYING]

AND DON'T TRY TO STOP ME.
[BABY CRYING]
GOODBYE, MISS CARSON.

[BABY CRYING]
GOODBYE, MISS CARSON.
COME BACK AGAIN FOR DINNER OR

GOODBYE, MISS CARSON.
COME BACK AGAIN FOR DINNER OR
SOMETHING.

COME BACK AGAIN FOR DINNER OR
SOMETHING.
WE LIKE YOUR FACE.

SOMETHING.
WE LIKE YOUR FACE.
YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.

WE LIKE YOUR FACE.
YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
26, 31, HUT, 2, 3, 4!

YOU'RE VERY ATTRACTIVE.
26, 31, HUT, 2, 3, 4!
[CHOIR SINGING HANDEL'S

26, 31, HUT, 2, 3, 4!
[CHOIR SINGING HANDEL'S
"MESSIAH"]

[CHOIR SINGING HANDEL'S
"MESSIAH"]
HUT!

["MESSIAH"]
HUT!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

HUT!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT!

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

HUT!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT, 2!

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT, 2!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪

HUT, 2!
♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!

♪ HALLELUJAH ♪
HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT! HUT!
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD SHOW, KID.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
GOOD SHOW, KID.
IF YOU COULD BLOCK AGAINST

GOOD SHOW, KID.
IF YOU COULD BLOCK AGAINST
CENTRAL THE WAY YOU DELIVERED

IF YOU COULD BLOCK AGAINST
CENTRAL THE WAY YOU DELIVERED
THAT LAST ARIA, WE'LL HAVE THE

CENTRAL THE WAY YOU DELIVERED
THAT LAST ARIA, WE'LL HAVE THE
BEST OPERATIC BACKFIELD IN THE

THAT LAST ARIA, WE'LL HAVE THE
BEST OPERATIC BACKFIELD IN THE
LEAGUE, AND I MEAN IT.

BEST OPERATIC BACKFIELD IN THE
LEAGUE, AND I MEAN IT.
THANKS A LOT, COACH GWYNNE.

LEAGUE, AND I MEAN IT.
THANKS A LOT, COACH GWYNNE.
[Hispanic accent] HEY, GIVE

THANKS A LOT, COACH GWYNNE.
[Hispanic accent] HEY, GIVE
ME YOUR MONEY.

[Hispanic accent] HEY, GIVE
ME YOUR MONEY.
WHAT?

ME YOUR MONEY.
WHAT?
YOU INSOLENT PUNK!

WHAT?
YOU INSOLENT PUNK!
COACH, LET ME TURN THIS GUY INTO

YOU INSOLENT PUNK!
COACH, LET ME TURN THIS GUY INTO
STREET SLUDGE.

COACH, LET ME TURN THIS GUY INTO
STREET SLUDGE.
BARRY, GIVE HIM THE MONEY.

STREET SLUDGE.
BARRY, GIVE HIM THE MONEY.
GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND SAVE YOUR

BARRY, GIVE HIM THE MONEY.
GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND SAVE YOUR
VOICE, KID.

GIVE HIM THE MONEY AND SAVE YOUR
VOICE, KID.
ONLY IF YOU SAY SO, COACH.

VOICE, KID.
ONLY IF YOU SAY SO, COACH.
I COULD TURN HIM INTO A

ONLY IF YOU SAY SO, COACH.
I COULD TURN HIM INTO A
LEATHER-COATED MOUND OF STREET

I COULD TURN HIM INTO A
LEATHER-COATED MOUND OF STREET
SLUDGE IN A MINUTE.

LEATHER-COATED MOUND OF STREET
SLUDGE IN A MINUTE.
HERE... TAKE THE MONEY, YOU

SLUDGE IN A MINUTE.
HERE... TAKE THE MONEY, YOU
DEVIANT INFERIOR.

HERE... TAKE THE MONEY, YOU
DEVIANT INFERIOR.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A

DEVIANT INFERIOR.
JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A
MINORITY-GROUP MEMBER, YOU THINK

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE A
MINORITY-GROUP MEMBER, YOU THINK
YOU CAN HARASS DECENT CITIZENS.

MINORITY-GROUP MEMBER, YOU THINK
YOU CAN HARASS DECENT CITIZENS.
[GUNSHOT]

YOU CAN HARASS DECENT CITIZENS.
[GUNSHOT]
MY VITAL ORGANS!

[GUNSHOT]
MY VITAL ORGANS!
YOU MONSTER!

MY VITAL ORGANS!
YOU MONSTER!
HE GAVE YOU HIS MONEY!

YOU MONSTER!
HE GAVE YOU HIS MONEY!
[GASPS]

HE GAVE YOU HIS MONEY!
[GASPS]
WHAT DID HE HOLD OUT FOR?

[GASPS]
WHAT DID HE HOLD OUT FOR?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?

WHAT DID HE HOLD OUT FOR?
YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THIS BOY WAS THE BEST DEFENSIVE

YOU KNOW SOMETHING?
THIS BOY WAS THE BEST DEFENSIVE
BARITONE LINEBACKER WE EVER HAD

THIS BOY WAS THE BEST DEFENSIVE
BARITONE LINEBACKER WE EVER HAD
AT MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK.

BARITONE LINEBACKER WE EVER HAD
AT MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK.
GOD!

AT MEMORIAL QUESTION MARK.
GOD!
HIS THEMES FROM ROSSINI,

GOD!
HIS THEMES FROM ROSSINI,
INTERCEPTING A PASS AGAINST

HIS THEMES FROM ROSSINI,
INTERCEPTING A PASS AGAINST
COMMERCE TECH... IT WAS

INTERCEPTING A PASS AGAINST
COMMERCE TECH... IT WAS
UNPARALLELED IN THE WORLD OF

COMMERCE TECH... IT WAS
UNPARALLELED IN THE WORLD OF
MUSICAL BODY-CONTACT SPORTS.

UNPARALLELED IN THE WORLD OF
MUSICAL BODY-CONTACT SPORTS.
JULIO!

MUSICAL BODY-CONTACT SPORTS.
JULIO!
YOU...

JULIO!
YOU...
STOP, STOP!

YOU...
STOP, STOP!
I JUST GOT PERMISSION FOR YOU TO

STOP, STOP!
I JUST GOT PERMISSION FOR YOU TO
TAKE YOUR PSATs OVER AGAIN.

I JUST GOT PERMISSION FOR YOU TO
TAKE YOUR PSATs OVER AGAIN.
JULIO, YOU WERE MEANT TO SAVE

TAKE YOUR PSATs OVER AGAIN.
JULIO, YOU WERE MEANT TO SAVE
LIVES, NOT MAKE A MESS ON THE

JULIO, YOU WERE MEANT TO SAVE
LIVES, NOT MAKE A MESS ON THE
SIDEWALK.

LIVES, NOT MAKE A MESS ON THE
SIDEWALK.
THINK.

SIDEWALK.
THINK.
THINK ABOUT FRANK PAYNE.

THINK.
THINK ABOUT FRANK PAYNE.
WAIT A MINUTE, JILL.

THINK ABOUT FRANK PAYNE.
WAIT A MINUTE, JILL.
WHO'S FRANK PAYNE?

WAIT A MINUTE, JILL.
WHO'S FRANK PAYNE?
OH, HE'S THE DOGCATCHER WHO

WHO'S FRANK PAYNE?
OH, HE'S THE DOGCATCHER WHO
INVENTED THE BUTTON-DOWN COLLAR.

OH, HE'S THE DOGCATCHER WHO
INVENTED THE BUTTON-DOWN COLLAR.
AH.

INVENTED THE BUTTON-DOWN COLLAR.
AH.
DON'T TAKE HIS LIFE, JULIO.

AH.
DON'T TAKE HIS LIFE, JULIO.
TAKE MINE, PLEASE.

DON'T TAKE HIS LIFE, JULIO.
TAKE MINE, PLEASE.
I'M NOT JUST DOING THIS FOR YOU.

TAKE MINE, PLEASE.
I'M NOT JUST DOING THIS FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO

I'M NOT JUST DOING THIS FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO
EVER HAD TO GROW UP THE HARD

THIS IS FOR ALL THE KIDS WHO
EVER HAD TO GROW UP THE HARD
WAY.

EVER HAD TO GROW UP THE HARD
WAY.
AND I'M DOING THIS FOR EVERY

WAY.
AND I'M DOING THIS FOR EVERY
KID WHO EVER HAD TO SIT IN AN

AND I'M DOING THIS FOR EVERY
KID WHO EVER HAD TO SIT IN AN
OFFICE WITH A GUIDANCE

KID WHO EVER HAD TO SIT IN AN
OFFICE WITH A GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR.

OFFICE WITH A GUIDANCE
COUNSELOR.
[GUNSHOT]

COUNSELOR.
[GUNSHOT]
OH.

[GUNSHOT]
OH.
HEY, KID.

OH.
HEY, KID.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU

HEY, KID.
WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
PLAYED FLOOR HOCKEY AND SANG

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU
PLAYED FLOOR HOCKEY AND SANG
"TOSCA"?

PLAYED FLOOR HOCKEY AND SANG
"TOSCA"?
JUST A MINUTE.

"TOSCA"?
JUST A MINUTE.
COME HERE.

JUST A MINUTE.
COME HERE.
DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT JILL.

COME HERE.
DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT JILL.
LAST NIGHT SHE FOUND OUT SHE HAD

DON'T FEEL BAD ABOUT JILL.
LAST NIGHT SHE FOUND OUT SHE HAD
CANCER.

LAST NIGHT SHE FOUND OUT SHE HAD
CANCER.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.

CANCER.
IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Announcer: WILL NOT BE

IT'S NO BIG DEAL.
Announcer: WILL NOT BE
RETURNING NEXT WEEK.

Announcer: WILL NOT BE
RETURNING NEXT WEEK.
THERE IS A PROBLEM.

RETURNING NEXT WEEK.
THERE IS A PROBLEM.
THE PROBLEM IS JILL'S DEATH.

TONIGHT WE HAVE SOMEONE THAT
I THINK IS REALLY... HE'S REALLY
GREAT.

I THINK IS REALLY... HE'S REALLY
GREAT.
I HADN'T HEARD HIM BEFORE, AND

GREAT.
I HADN'T HEARD HIM BEFORE, AND
I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM, AND I'M

I HADN'T HEARD HIM BEFORE, AND
I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM, AND I'M
SURE YOU WILL BE, TOO.

I'M CRAZY ABOUT HIM, AND I'M
SURE YOU WILL BE, TOO.
LEON REDBONE.

SURE YOU WILL BE, TOO.
LEON REDBONE.
[INTRO TO "AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'"

LEON REDBONE.
[INTRO TO "AIN'T MISBEHAVIN'"
PLAYS]

♪ NO ONE TO TALK WITH ♪
♪ ALL BY MYSELF ♪
♪ NO ONE TO WALK WITH ♪

♪ ALL BY MYSELF ♪
♪ NO ONE TO WALK WITH ♪
♪ BUT I'M HAPPY ON THE SHELF ♪

♪ NO ONE TO WALK WITH ♪
♪ BUT I'M HAPPY ON THE SHELF ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪

♪ BUT I'M HAPPY ON THE SHELF ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪

♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ I KNOW FOR CERTAIN THE ONE I

♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ I KNOW FOR CERTAIN THE ONE I
LOVE ♪

♪ I KNOW FOR CERTAIN THE ONE I
LOVE ♪
♪ I'M THROUGH WITH FLIRTING ♪

LOVE ♪
♪ I'M THROUGH WITH FLIRTING ♪
♪ JUST YOU I'M DREAMING OF ♪

♪ I'M THROUGH WITH FLIRTING ♪
♪ JUST YOU I'M DREAMING OF ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪

♪ JUST YOU I'M DREAMING OF ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪

♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪

♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪
♪ IN THE CORNER ♪

♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪
♪ IN THE CORNER ♪
♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪

♪ IN THE CORNER ♪
♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪
♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪

♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪
♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪
♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING

♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪
♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING
FOR ♪

♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING
FOR ♪
♪ MMM ♪

FOR ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪
♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪

♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪
♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪

♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪

♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪

♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪

♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ BE DE BUM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ BE DE BUM ♪
♪ BA DA BUM ♪

♪ BE DE BUM ♪
♪ BA DA BUM ♪
♪ DO ♪

♪ BA DA BUM ♪
♪ DO ♪
♪ MM-HMM ♪

♪ DO ♪
♪ MM-HMM ♪
♪ BA ♪

♪ MM-HMM ♪
♪ BA ♪
♪ BA DUM ♪

♪ BA ♪
♪ BA DUM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ BA DUM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ BUM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ BUM ♪
♪ BA DA DA DUM ♪

♪ BUM ♪
♪ BA DA DA DUM ♪
♪ BE DOO ♪

♪ BA DA DA DUM ♪
♪ BE DOO ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM-HMM ♪

♪ BE DOO ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM-HMM ♪
♪ HMM-MM ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM-HMM ♪
♪ HMM-MM ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪

♪ HMM-MM ♪
♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪

♪ MM-MM-MM ♪
♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪
♪ IN THE CORNER ♪

♪ LIKE JACK HORNER ♪
♪ IN THE CORNER ♪
♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪

♪ IN THE CORNER ♪
♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪
♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪

♪ DON'T GO NOWHERE ♪
♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪
♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING

♪ WHAT DO I CARE? ♪
♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING
FOR ♪

♪ YOUR KISSES ARE WORTH WAITING
FOR ♪
♪ MMM ♪

FOR ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪
♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪

♪ I DON'T STAY OUT LATE ♪
♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪

♪ DON'T CARE TO GO ♪
♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪

♪ I'M HOME ABOUT 8:00 ♪
♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪

♪ JUST ME AND MY RADIO ♪
♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪

♪ AIN'T MISBEHAVIN' ♪
♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ BA DOO ♪

♪ SAVIN' MY LOVE FOR YOU ♪
♪ BA DOO ♪
♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪

♪ BA DOO ♪
♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪

♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪
♪ MMM ♪
♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪

♪ MMM ♪
♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪
♪ VO DEE OH DOH ♪

♪ MM-MM-MMM ♪
♪ VO DEE OH DOH ♪
[APPLAUSE]

HI.
I'M GARRETT MORRIS, TALKING
TO ALL YOU WHITE AMERICANS ABOUT

I'M GARRETT MORRIS, TALKING
TO ALL YOU WHITE AMERICANS ABOUT
THE WAY BLACK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN

TO ALL YOU WHITE AMERICANS ABOUT
THE WAY BLACK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
TREATED IN AMERICA.

THE WAY BLACK PEOPLE HAVE BEEN
TREATED IN AMERICA.
NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU FEEL

TREATED IN AMERICA.
NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU FEEL
GUILTY, AND YOU SHOULD.

NOW, I KNOW A LOT OF YOU FEEL
GUILTY, AND YOU SHOULD.
MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER WAS

GUILTY, AND YOU SHOULD.
MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER WAS
BROUGHT OVER HERE ON A SLAVE

MY GREAT-GREAT-GRANDMOTHER WAS
BROUGHT OVER HERE ON A SLAVE
SHIP AND WAS RAPED BY HER WHITE

BROUGHT OVER HERE ON A SLAVE
SHIP AND WAS RAPED BY HER WHITE
MASTER.

SHIP AND WAS RAPED BY HER WHITE
MASTER.
AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS LYNCHED

MASTER.
AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS LYNCHED
BY A MOB FOR NOT TIPPING HIS HAT

AND MY GRANDFATHER WAS LYNCHED
BY A MOB FOR NOT TIPPING HIS HAT
TO A WHITE LADY.

BY A MOB FOR NOT TIPPING HIS HAT
TO A WHITE LADY.
NOW, THEY'RE DEAD NOW, AND

TO A WHITE LADY.
NOW, THEY'RE DEAD NOW, AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO

NOW, THEY'RE DEAD NOW, AND
THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO
ERASE THEIR SUFFERING.

THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO TO
ERASE THEIR SUFFERING.
HOWEVER, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO

ERASE THEIR SUFFERING.
HOWEVER, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO
RELIEVE YOUR GUILT, I AM WILLING

HOWEVER, IF YOU WOULD LIKE TO
RELIEVE YOUR GUILT, I AM WILLING
TO ACCEPT MONEY AS A

RELIEVE YOUR GUILT, I AM WILLING
TO ACCEPT MONEY AS A
REPRESENTATIVE VICTIM OF 400

TO ACCEPT MONEY AS A
REPRESENTATIVE VICTIM OF 400
YEARS OF REPRESSION.

REPRESENTATIVE VICTIM OF 400
YEARS OF REPRESSION.
SEND YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER

YEARS OF REPRESSION.
SEND YOUR CHECK OR MONEY ORDER
TO...

AND IF YOU SEND IN BEFORE

JULY 4, 1976, I WILL SEND YOU

THIS BEAUTIFUL SCROLL AND I.D.

CARD, CERTIFYING YOU AS AN

HONORARY NEGRO IN THE EYES OF

SEVERAL BLACK AMERICANS.

ONCE AGAIN, THAT ADDRESS...

Announcer: SEND CASH OR

MONEY.

I KNOW I HAVE.

I FELT JUST TERRIBLE UNTIL I

DID.

THANK YOU.

Announcer: AND NOW...

A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN
THROUGH THE AGES.

WELL, DARLING, I CAN'T STAY,
BUT... OH, I MUST HAVE YOUR
ADVICE ON A LITTLE MATTER.

BUT... OH, I MUST HAVE YOUR
ADVICE ON A LITTLE MATTER.
OH, YOU LOOK JUST RAVISHING,

ADVICE ON A LITTLE MATTER.
OH, YOU LOOK JUST RAVISHING,
ISADORA.

OH, YOU LOOK JUST RAVISHING,
ISADORA.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?

ISADORA.
WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
OH, I'M OFF FOR A SPIN IN A

WHERE ARE YOU OFF TO?
OH, I'M OFF FOR A SPIN IN A
RED BUGATTI WITH THAT ABSOLUTELY

OH, I'M OFF FOR A SPIN IN A
RED BUGATTI WITH THAT ABSOLUTELY
HEAVENLY YOUNG MAN.

RED BUGATTI WITH THAT ABSOLUTELY
HEAVENLY YOUNG MAN.
[LAUGHS]

HEAVENLY YOUNG MAN.
[LAUGHS]
NOW, LET ME ASK YOUR ADVICE.

[LAUGHS]
NOW, LET ME ASK YOUR ADVICE.
WHICH ONE DO YOU PREFER... THIS

NOW, LET ME ASK YOUR ADVICE.
WHICH ONE DO YOU PREFER... THIS
LITTLE SCARF TIED COMME çA...

WHICH ONE DO YOU PREFER... THIS
LITTLE SCARF TIED COMME çA...
[LAUGHS]

LITTLE SCARF TIED COMME çA...
[LAUGHS]
OR DO YOU PREFER THIS

[LAUGHS]
OR DO YOU PREFER THIS
GREEN CHIFFON, WHICH I LOVE TIED

OR DO YOU PREFER THIS
GREEN CHIFFON, WHICH I LOVE TIED
LIKE THIS?

GREEN CHIFFON, WHICH I LOVE TIED
LIKE THIS?
OH, ISADORA, NO QUESTION...

LIKE THIS?
OH, ISADORA, NO QUESTION...
THE LONG ONE.

OH, ISADORA, NO QUESTION...
THE LONG ONE.
GOOD!

THE LONG ONE.
GOOD!
WELL, DEAR, TA-TA!

GOOD!
WELL, DEAR, TA-TA!
HAVE FUN, DARLING.

WELL, DEAR, TA-TA!
HAVE FUN, DARLING.
BYE-BYE!

HAVE FUN, DARLING.
BYE-BYE!
AAAAAAAAH!

BYE-BYE!
AAAAAAAAH!
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN

AAAAAAAAH!
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER...

AND NOW "WEEKEND UPDATE," WITH
CHEVY CHASE.
NO, NO, NO.

CHEVY CHASE.
NO, NO, NO.
FIRST YOU FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH

NO, NO, NO.
FIRST YOU FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH
HOT WATER, THEN YOU USE THE ICE

FIRST YOU FILL YOUR MOUTH WITH
HOT WATER, THEN YOU USE THE ICE
CUBES.

HOT WATER, THEN YOU USE THE ICE
CUBES.
YOU ALTERNATE... I GOT TO GO.

CUBES.
YOU ALTERNATE... I GOT TO GO.
YEAH. BYE.

YOU ALTERNATE... I GOT TO GO.
YEAH. BYE.
GOOD EVENING.

YEAH. BYE.
GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T.

GOOD EVENING.
I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...

I'M CHEVY CHASE, AND YOU CAN'T.
OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
PRESIDENT FORD SQUEAKS BY

OUR TOP STORY TONIGHT...
PRESIDENT FORD SQUEAKS BY
RONALD REAGAN IN THE

PRESIDENT FORD SQUEAKS BY
RONALD REAGAN IN THE
NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY THIS WEEK.

RONALD REAGAN IN THE
NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY THIS WEEK.
FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW

NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY THIS WEEK.
FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW
TO LARAINE NEWMAN IN

FOR A LIVE REPORT, LET'S GO NOW
TO LARAINE NEWMAN IN
NEW HAMPSHIRE.

CHEVY, THE PRIMARY WAS

OFFICIALLY OVER ON TUESDAY, AND

THE CANDIDATES HAVE ALL LEFT.

ALSO, OFFICIALS SAY THAT THE

NEW HAMPSHIRE VOTERS HAVE PACKED

AND MOVED TO MASSACHUSETTS TO

VOTE IN THAT PRIMARY NEXT

TUESDAY.

LARAINE NEWMAN REPORTING.

AFTER HIS PLURALITY VICTORY
IN NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS WEEK,
FORMER JUVERNOR... GOVERNOR

IN NEW HAMPSHIRE THIS WEEK,
FORMER JUVERNOR... GOVERNOR
GEORGE... FORMER GEORGIA

FORMER JUVERNOR... GOVERNOR
GEORGE... FORMER GEORGIA
GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER...

GEORGE... FORMER GEORGIA
GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER...
FORMER GEORGIA...

GOVERNOR JIMMY CARTER...
FORMER GEORGIA...
FORMER GEORGIA GOVERNOR

FORMER GEORGIA...
FORMER GEORGIA GOVERNOR
JIMMY CARTER WAS ASKED WHEN HE

FORMER GEORGIA GOVERNOR
JIMMY CARTER WAS ASKED WHEN HE
WOULD START GETTING MORE

JIMMY CARTER WAS ASKED WHEN HE
WOULD START GETTING MORE
SPECIFIC ON THE ISSUES.

WOULD START GETTING MORE
SPECIFIC ON THE ISSUES.
CARTER SAID, "PERHAPS SOMETIME

SPECIFIC ON THE ISSUES.
CARTER SAID, "PERHAPS SOMETIME
IN THE NEAR FUTURE."

CARTER SAID, "PERHAPS SOMETIME
IN THE NEAR FUTURE."
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL

IN THE NEAR FUTURE."
DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL
BIRCH BAYH FINISHED A WEEK THIRD

DEMOCRATIC PRESIDENTIAL HOPEFUL
BIRCH BAYH FINISHED A WEEK THIRD
IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY.

BIRCH BAYH FINISHED A WEEK THIRD
IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY.
HE IS PICTURED HERE AT A RECENT

IN THE NEW HAMPSHIRE PRIMARY.
HE IS PICTURED HERE AT A RECENT
RALLY, HANDING OUT CHUNKS OF

HE IS PICTURED HERE AT A RECENT
RALLY, HANDING OUT CHUNKS OF
SNOW.

RALLY, HANDING OUT CHUNKS OF
SNOW.
PRESIDENT NIXON WAS FORMALLY

SNOW.
PRESIDENT NIXON WAS FORMALLY
PARDONED FOR ALL WATERGATE

PRESIDENT NIXON WAS FORMALLY
PARDONED FOR ALL WATERGATE
CRIMES TODAY BY THE PEOPLE'S

PARDONED FOR ALL WATERGATE
CRIMES TODAY BY THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC OF CHINA.

CRIMES TODAY BY THE PEOPLE'S
REPUBLIC OF CHINA.
HONORING THE AILING FORMER

REPUBLIC OF CHINA.
HONORING THE AILING FORMER
LEADER, THE CHINESE HAVE NAMED A

HONORING THE AILING FORMER
LEADER, THE CHINESE HAVE NAMED A
NEW DISH AFTER MR. NIXON,

LEADER, THE CHINESE HAVE NAMED A
NEW DISH AFTER MR. NIXON,
CALLED, OF COURSE,

NEW DISH AFTER MR. NIXON,
CALLED, OF COURSE,
SWEET-AND-SOUR DICK.

CALLED, OF COURSE,
SWEET-AND-SOUR DICK.
MR. NIXON RESPONDED AT A DINNER

SWEET-AND-SOUR DICK.
MR. NIXON RESPONDED AT A DINNER
BY REPLYING, "I AM GREATLY

MR. NIXON RESPONDED AT A DINNER
BY REPLYING, "I AM GREATLY
MOVED.

BY REPLYING, "I AM GREATLY
MOVED.
SO, MR. PREMIER, AT ANY MOMENT I

MOVED.
SO, MR. PREMIER, AT ANY MOMENT I
COULD GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM,

SO, MR. PREMIER, AT ANY MOMENT I
COULD GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM,
PRESS A BUTTON, AND 20 MINUTES

COULD GO INTO THE OTHER ROOM,
PRESS A BUTTON, AND 20 MINUTES
LATER, 60 MILLION PEOPLE WOULD

PRESS A BUTTON, AND 20 MINUTES
LATER, 60 MILLION PEOPLE WOULD
BE DEAD."

LATER, 60 MILLION PEOPLE WOULD
BE DEAD."
HE WAS LED AWAY IN TEARS, SHOWN

BE DEAD."
HE WAS LED AWAY IN TEARS, SHOWN
THE GREAT WALL, AND PUT ON A

HE WAS LED AWAY IN TEARS, SHOWN
THE GREAT WALL, AND PUT ON A
SLOW BARGE UP A CHINESE RIVER

THE GREAT WALL, AND PUT ON A
SLOW BARGE UP A CHINESE RIVER
WITHOUT A PADDLE.

SLOW BARGE UP A CHINESE RIVER
WITHOUT A PADDLE.
FOLLOWING LEAKS TO THE PRESS

WITHOUT A PADDLE.
FOLLOWING LEAKS TO THE PRESS
OVER RECENT C.I.A. ACTIVITY,

FOLLOWING LEAKS TO THE PRESS
OVER RECENT C.I.A. ACTIVITY,
NEWSMAN DANIEL SCHORR WAS

OVER RECENT C.I.A. ACTIVITY,
NEWSMAN DANIEL SCHORR WAS
SUSPENDED BY CBS AND FORCED TO

NEWSMAN DANIEL SCHORR WAS
SUSPENDED BY CBS AND FORCED TO
HAVE HIS LIPS EPOXIED TOGETHER.

SUSPENDED BY CBS AND FORCED TO
HAVE HIS LIPS EPOXIED TOGETHER.
AFTER A LENGTHY AND TIRING

HAVE HIS LIPS EPOXIED TOGETHER.
AFTER A LENGTHY AND TIRING
CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS

AFTER A LENGTHY AND TIRING
CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS
FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING

CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS
FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING
ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE

FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING
ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE
UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND

ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE
UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND
RED CHINA.

UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND
RED CHINA.
THE TRIAL OF PATRICIA HEARST

RED CHINA.
THE TRIAL OF PATRICIA HEARST
CONTINUES IN SAN FRANCISCO.

THE TRIAL OF PATRICIA HEARST
CONTINUES IN SAN FRANCISCO.
FOR A DIRECT REPORT, LET'S GO

CONTINUES IN SAN FRANCISCO.
FOR A DIRECT REPORT, LET'S GO
NOW TO CORRESPONDENT

FOR A DIRECT REPORT, LET'S GO
NOW TO CORRESPONDENT
HARLAN COLLINS.

[Nasal voice] PATRICIA

HEARST WAS NEVER A CONVERT FOR

THE SYMBIONESE LIBERATION ARMY.

WHEN SHE RAISED HER FISTS IN THE

GUERILLA SALUTE AFTER HER

CAPTURE, IT WAS HER "LAST GASP

OF COMPLIANCE AND PROFOUND

CONFUSION."

DR. ROBERT JAY LIFTON TESTIFIED

FOR THE DEFENSE TODAY.

LIFTON, ONE OF THE COUNTRY'S

LEADING EXPERTS ON PERSUASIVE

COERCION AND THOUGHT CONTROL,

BRAINWASHING, SAID THAT

MISS HEARST, KIDNAPPED AT 19,

NOT YET FORMED AS AN

ADULT, COLORABLE TO EVERY KIND

OF FEAR, WAS MORE SUSCEPTIBLE TO

COERCION THAN ANY ONE OF

HUNDREDS OF PERSONS HE HAD

STUDIED IN THE LAST 26 YEARS.

THIS IS HARLAN COLLINS

REPORTING.

[Normal voice] THIS JUST IN
FROM SPAIN... A MEDICAL TEAM HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT

FROM SPAIN... A MEDICAL TEAM HAS
ANNOUNCED THAT
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO

ANNOUNCED THAT
GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO
IS STILL VALIANTLY HOLDING ON IN

GENERALISSIMO FRANCISCO FRANCO
IS STILL VALIANTLY HOLDING ON IN
HIS FIGHT TO REMAIN DEAD.

IS STILL VALIANTLY HOLDING ON IN
HIS FIGHT TO REMAIN DEAD.
THE IDEAL TOY COMPANY HAS

HIS FIGHT TO REMAIN DEAD.
THE IDEAL TOY COMPANY HAS
RECENTLY INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL

THE IDEAL TOY COMPANY HAS
RECENTLY INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL
NAMED "JOEY."

RECENTLY INTRODUCED A NEW DOLL
NAMED "JOEY."
NAMED AFTER THE GRANDSON OF TV'S

NAMED "JOEY."
NAMED AFTER THE GRANDSON OF TV'S
ARCHIE BUNKER, IT IS THE FIRST

NAMED AFTER THE GRANDSON OF TV'S
ARCHIE BUNKER, IT IS THE FIRST
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT BABY

ARCHIE BUNKER, IT IS THE FIRST
ANATOMICALLY CORRECT BABY
DOLL... THAT IS, IT HAS A MALE

ANATOMICALLY CORRECT BABY
DOLL... THAT IS, IT HAS A MALE
SEX ORGAN.

DOLL... THAT IS, IT HAS A MALE
SEX ORGAN.
WHILE THE TOY COMPANY WILL ONLY

SEX ORGAN.
WHILE THE TOY COMPANY WILL ONLY
MARKET WHITE DOLLS, MATTEL TOYS

WHILE THE TOY COMPANY WILL ONLY
MARKET WHITE DOLLS, MATTEL TOYS
HAS BOTH THE WHITE AND BLACK

MARKET WHITE DOLLS, MATTEL TOYS
HAS BOTH THE WHITE AND BLACK
VERSION OF THE DOLL.

HAS BOTH THE WHITE AND BLACK
VERSION OF THE DOLL.
BOTH ARE REPORTED TO BE

VERSION OF THE DOLL.
BOTH ARE REPORTED TO BE
ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE, AND THE

BOTH ARE REPORTED TO BE
ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE, AND THE
DOLLS WILL BE PRICED

ANATOMICALLY ACCURATE, AND THE
DOLLS WILL BE PRICED
ACCORDINGLY.

DOLLS WILL BE PRICED
ACCORDINGLY.
THE WHITE DOLL SELLS FOR $6, THE

ACCORDINGLY.
THE WHITE DOLL SELLS FOR $6, THE
BLACK DOLL FOR $26.85.

AFTER A RECORD 5 YEARS, 4
MONTHS, AND 27 DAYS IN SPACE,
FOUR AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS WERE

MONTHS, AND 27 DAYS IN SPACE,
FOUR AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS WERE
PICKED UP IN THE INDIAN OCEAN BY

FOUR AMERICAN ASTRONAUTS WERE
PICKED UP IN THE INDIAN OCEAN BY
A SPANISH FISHING TROLLER,

PICKED UP IN THE INDIAN OCEAN BY
A SPANISH FISHING TROLLER,
HAVING FLOATED IN THEIR CAPSULE

A SPANISH FISHING TROLLER,
HAVING FLOATED IN THEIR CAPSULE
FOR ANOTHER RECORD 41 DAYS.

HAVING FLOATED IN THEIR CAPSULE
FOR ANOTHER RECORD 41 DAYS.
NASA OFFICIALS APOLOGIZED

FOR ANOTHER RECORD 41 DAYS.
NASA OFFICIALS APOLOGIZED
PUBLICLY, SAYING THEY HAD

NASA OFFICIALS APOLOGIZED
PUBLICLY, SAYING THEY HAD
FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE MEN MORE

PUBLICLY, SAYING THEY HAD
FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE MEN MORE
THAN TWO YEARS AGO AND ASKED FOR

FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE MEN MORE
THAN TWO YEARS AGO AND ASKED FOR
THEIR NAMES.

THAN TWO YEARS AGO AND ASKED FOR
THEIR NAMES.
WELL, A GIGANTIC CONDOR WITH A

THEIR NAMES.
WELL, A GIGANTIC CONDOR WITH A
125-FOOT WINGSPAN, SAID TO BE

WELL, A GIGANTIC CONDOR WITH A
125-FOOT WINGSPAN, SAID TO BE
THE LARGEST EVER CITED BY

125-FOOT WINGSPAN, SAID TO BE
THE LARGEST EVER CITED BY
ORNITHOLOGISTS, FLEW OVER THE

THE LARGEST EVER CITED BY
ORNITHOLOGISTS, FLEW OVER THE
NATION'S CAPITAL YESTERDAY AND

ORNITHOLOGISTS, FLEW OVER THE
NATION'S CAPITAL YESTERDAY AND
LEFT A DROPPING ON THE

NATION'S CAPITAL YESTERDAY AND
LEFT A DROPPING ON THE
WASHINGTON MONUMENT.

LEFT A DROPPING ON THE
WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
F.A.A. OFFICIALS WILL STUDY THE

WASHINGTON MONUMENT.
F.A.A. OFFICIALS WILL STUDY THE
SAMPLE IN AN EFFORT TO DECIDE

F.A.A. OFFICIALS WILL STUDY THE
SAMPLE IN AN EFFORT TO DECIDE
WHETHER THE FLIGHT OF THESE

SAMPLE IN AN EFFORT TO DECIDE
WHETHER THE FLIGHT OF THESE
BIRDS MIGHT AFFECT THE OZONE

WHETHER THE FLIGHT OF THESE
BIRDS MIGHT AFFECT THE OZONE
LAYER OR CAUSE NOISE AND

BIRDS MIGHT AFFECT THE OZONE
LAYER OR CAUSE NOISE AND
ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION.

LAYER OR CAUSE NOISE AND
ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION.
NOW LIVING IN A HOME FOR RETIRED

ENVIRONMENTAL POLLUTION.
NOW LIVING IN A HOME FOR RETIRED
SAILORS NEAR

NOW LIVING IN A HOME FOR RETIRED
SAILORS NEAR
MARBLEHEAD, MASSACHUSETTS,

SAILORS NEAR
MARBLEHEAD, MASSACHUSETTS,
POPEYE CELEBRATED HIS 93rd

MARBLEHEAD, MASSACHUSETTS,
POPEYE CELEBRATED HIS 93rd
BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY.

POPEYE CELEBRATED HIS 93rd
BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY.
ACCORDING TO HIS DOCTORS, IT NOW

BIRTHDAY YESTERDAY.
ACCORDING TO HIS DOCTORS, IT NOW
TAKES THE ONE-TIME CARTOON

ACCORDING TO HIS DOCTORS, IT NOW
TAKES THE ONE-TIME CARTOON
FIGURE THREE CANS OF SPINACH

TAKES THE ONE-TIME CARTOON
FIGURE THREE CANS OF SPINACH
JUST TO CUT THE CHEESE.

FIGURE THREE CANS OF SPINACH
JUST TO CUT THE CHEESE.
STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD TAKES

JUST TO CUT THE CHEESE.
STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD TAKES
A FLYING LESSON, AFTER THIS

STILL TO COME, GERALD FORD TAKES
A FLYING LESSON, AFTER THIS
MESSAGE.

HI.
I'M LOWELL BROCK, OF H&L BROCK,
WITH MORE OF MY 17 REASONS WHY

I'M LOWELL BROCK, OF H&L BROCK,
WITH MORE OF MY 17 REASONS WHY
YOU SHOULD BRING YOUR TAXES TO

WITH MORE OF MY 17 REASONS WHY
YOU SHOULD BRING YOUR TAXES TO
US INSTEAD OF H&R BLOCK.

REASON NUMBER 13... THE

H&L BROCK CHURCH AND SYNAGOGUE.

THE IRS DOES NOT REQUIRE

CHURCHES OR SYNAGOGUES TO KEEP

FINANCIAL RECORDS.

IN 1957, MY BROTHER, HENRY,
BECAME THE FIRST PRIEST OF OUR
LADY OF THE HOLY REBATE.

BECAME THE FIRST PRIEST OF OUR
LADY OF THE HOLY REBATE.
AND IN 1963, OUR PARTNER

LADY OF THE HOLY REBATE.
AND IN 1963, OUR PARTNER
SAUL WEINSTEIN WAS ORDAINED

AND IN 1963, OUR PARTNER
SAUL WEINSTEIN WAS ORDAINED
RABBI OF TEMPLE B'NAI SHALOM

SAUL WEINSTEIN WAS ORDAINED
RABBI OF TEMPLE B'NAI SHALOM
BROCK.

RABBI OF TEMPLE B'NAI SHALOM
BROCK.
IF YOU ARE A WEALTHY RELIGIOUS

BROCK.
IF YOU ARE A WEALTHY RELIGIOUS
PERSON, YOU MAY WANT TO MAKE A

IF YOU ARE A WEALTHY RELIGIOUS
PERSON, YOU MAY WANT TO MAKE A
LARGE DONATION TO EITHER OF

PERSON, YOU MAY WANT TO MAKE A
LARGE DONATION TO EITHER OF
THESE HOUSES OF WORSHIP AND

LARGE DONATION TO EITHER OF
THESE HOUSES OF WORSHIP AND
CLAIM IT AS A DEDUCTION.

THESE HOUSES OF WORSHIP AND
CLAIM IT AS A DEDUCTION.
WE WILL THEN KICK BACK 95% OF

CLAIM IT AS A DEDUCTION.
WE WILL THEN KICK BACK 95% OF
THE DONATION, KEEPING THE REST

WE WILL THEN KICK BACK 95% OF
THE DONATION, KEEPING THE REST
AS PAYMENT FOR OUR SERVICES,

THE DONATION, KEEPING THE REST
AS PAYMENT FOR OUR SERVICES,
SAVING YOU A BUNDLE ON YOUR

AS PAYMENT FOR OUR SERVICES,
SAVING YOU A BUNDLE ON YOUR
RETURNS.

SAVING YOU A BUNDLE ON YOUR
RETURNS.
YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES AND

RETURNS.
YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES AND
LOOK LIKE A SAINT.

YOU CAN CHEAT ON YOUR TAXES AND
LOOK LIKE A SAINT.
SO COME TO H&L BROCK.

LOOK LIKE A SAINT.
SO COME TO H&L BROCK.
YOU'LL THANK THE LORD YOU DID.

MYKONOS, GREECE... IN GOING
THROUGH THE PERSONAL PAPERS OF
THE LATE ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, AN

THROUGH THE PERSONAL PAPERS OF
THE LATE ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, AN
ATTORNEY HAS DISCOVERED A SECOND

THE LATE ARISTOTLE ONASSIS, AN
ATTORNEY HAS DISCOVERED A SECOND
WILL AND TESTAMENT, POSTDATING

ATTORNEY HAS DISCOVERED A SECOND
WILL AND TESTAMENT, POSTDATING
THE ORIGINAL.

WILL AND TESTAMENT, POSTDATING
THE ORIGINAL.
IN THIS NEW WILL, ONASSIS

THE ORIGINAL.
IN THIS NEW WILL, ONASSIS
INEXPLICABLY LEFT HIS ENTIRE

IN THIS NEW WILL, ONASSIS
INEXPLICABLY LEFT HIS ENTIRE
$3 BILLION FORTUNE AND SHIPPING

INEXPLICABLY LEFT HIS ENTIRE
$3 BILLION FORTUNE AND SHIPPING
EMPIRE TO SINGER ROY CLARK.

$3 BILLION FORTUNE AND SHIPPING
EMPIRE TO SINGER ROY CLARK.
RIGHT NOW, HERE TO REPLY TO A

EMPIRE TO SINGER ROY CLARK.
RIGHT NOW, HERE TO REPLY TO A
"WEEKEND UPDATE" EDITORIAL IS

RIGHT NOW, HERE TO REPLY TO A
"WEEKEND UPDATE" EDITORIAL IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.

"WEEKEND UPDATE" EDITORIAL IS
MISS EMILY LITELLA.
EMILY?

MISS EMILY LITELLA.
EMILY?
WHAT IS ALL THIS FUSS I HEAR

EMILY?
WHAT IS ALL THIS FUSS I HEAR
ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT DECISION

WHAT IS ALL THIS FUSS I HEAR
ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT DECISION
ON A DEAF PENALTY?

ABOUT THE SUPREME COURT DECISION
ON A DEAF PENALTY?
IT'S TERRIBLE!

ON A DEAF PENALTY?
IT'S TERRIBLE!
DEAF PEOPLE HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS

IT'S TERRIBLE!
DEAF PEOPLE HAVE ENOUGH PROBLEMS
AS IT IS.

I KNOW I MYSELF OCCASIONALLY

HAVE DIFFICULTY WITH MY HEARING.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'D WANT

TO BE PUNISHED FOR IT.

AND WHAT DO THEY DO TO THEM,

ANYWAY... SHOUT NASTY THINGS AT

THEM BEHIND THEIR BACKS?

YOU MARK MY WORDS.

IF WE START PUNISHING DEAF

PEOPLE, THEY'LL GET BACK AT US.

THEY'LL CLOSE THEIR EYES WHEN WE

TALK TO THEM, AND THEY WON'T BE

ABLE TO SEE A THING WE'RE

SAYING.

I SAY INSTEAD OF MAKING DEAFNESS

A PENALTY, WE OUGHT TO START

DOING NICE THINGS FOR THEM, LIKE

TALKING LOUDER.

YOU HEAR ME?!

DOES ANYBODY HEAR ME ABOUT

THERE?!

MISS LITELLA?

SORRY, MISS LITELLA.

THAT'S "DEATH PENALTY."

WHAT?
THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT THE
SUPREME COURT DECISION ON THE

THE EDITORIAL WAS ABOUT THE
SUPREME COURT DECISION ON THE
DEATH PENALTY, NOT DEAF

SUPREME COURT DECISION ON THE
DEATH PENALTY, NOT DEAF
PENALTY... THE DEATH PENALTY.

DEATH PENALTY, NOT DEAF
PENALTY... THE DEATH PENALTY.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY

PENALTY... THE DEATH PENALTY.
OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.

OH, WELL, THAT'S VERY
DIFFERENT.
YES.

DIFFERENT.
YES.
NEVER MIND.

MORE IN ON THAT LATE STORY...
AFTER A LENGTHY AND TIRING
CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS

AFTER A LENGTHY AND TIRING
CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS
FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING

CONFERENCE IN GENEVA, MEMBERS
FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING
ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE

FROM SOME 35 NATIONS, INCLUDING
ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE
UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND

ENGLAND, FRANCE, GERMANY, THE
UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND
RED CHINA.

UNITED STATES, RUSSIA, AND
RED CHINA.
WELL, BARRY GOLDWATER WAS

RED CHINA.
WELL, BARRY GOLDWATER WAS
EXECUTED BY A BICENTENNIAL

WELL, BARRY GOLDWATER WAS
EXECUTED BY A BICENTENNIAL
FIRING SQUAD TODAY IN

EXECUTED BY A BICENTENNIAL
FIRING SQUAD TODAY IN
FOXHOLE, ARIZONA.

FIRING SQUAD TODAY IN
FOXHOLE, ARIZONA.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT HIS LAST

FOXHOLE, ARIZONA.
IT WAS REPORTED THAT HIS LAST
WORDS WERE, "BY THE TIME I GET

IT WAS REPORTED THAT HIS LAST
WORDS WERE, "BY THE TIME I GET
TO PHOENIX, I'LL BE RISING."

WORDS WERE, "BY THE TIME I GET
TO PHOENIX, I'LL BE RISING."
AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.

TO PHOENIX, I'LL BE RISING."
AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT

AND THAT'S THE NEWS TONIGHT.
GOOD NIGHT, AND HAVE A PLEASANT
TOMORROW.

Announcer: TONIGHT
JILL CLAYBURGH AND HOWARD SHORE
AND THE SHORE PATROL ARE JOINED

JILL CLAYBURGH AND HOWARD SHORE
AND THE SHORE PATROL ARE JOINED
BY THE SINGING IDLERS, THE

AND THE SHORE PATROL ARE JOINED
BY THE SINGING IDLERS, THE
OFFICIAL UNITED STATES COAST

BY THE SINGING IDLERS, THE
OFFICIAL UNITED STATES COAST
GUARD ACADEMY CHOIR, TO PAY A

OFFICIAL UNITED STATES COAST
GUARD ACADEMY CHOIR, TO PAY A
MUSICAL SALUTE TO AMERICA'S

GUARD ACADEMY CHOIR, TO PAY A
MUSICAL SALUTE TO AMERICA'S
COAST GUARD.

MUSICAL SALUTE TO AMERICA'S
COAST GUARD.
♪ MEN OF THE COAST GUARD

COAST GUARD.
♪ MEN OF THE COAST GUARD
CORPS ♪

♪ MEN OF THE COAST GUARD
CORPS ♪
♪ MAY THIS OUR MISSION BE ♪

CORPS ♪
♪ MAY THIS OUR MISSION BE ♪
♪ SAFETY AND HONOR FOR ALL

♪ MAY THIS OUR MISSION BE ♪
♪ SAFETY AND HONOR FOR ALL
MANKIND ♪

♪ SAFETY AND HONOR FOR ALL
MANKIND ♪
♪ ON LAND AND SEA ♪

♪ FROM AZTEC SHORE TO ARCTIC

ZONE ♪

♪ TO EUROPE AND FAR EAST ♪

♪ OUR FLAG IS CARRIED BY OUR

SHIPS ♪

♪ IN TIME OF WAR AND PEACE ♪

♪ AND NEVER HAVE WE STRUCK IT

YET ♪

♪ IN SPITE OF FOE-MEN'S MIGHT ♪

♪ WHO CHEERED OUR CREWS AND

CHEERED AGAIN ♪

♪ FOR SHOWING HOW TO FIGHT ♪

♪ WE'RE ALWAYS READY FOR THE

CALL ♪

♪ WE PLACE OUR TRUST IN THEE ♪

♪ THROUGH SURF AND STORM AND

HOWLING GALE ♪

♪ HIGH SHALL OUR PURPOSE BE ♪

♪ "SEMPER PARATUS" IS OUR

GUIDE ♪

♪ OUR FAME, OUR GLORY, TOO ♪
♪ TO FIGHT TO SAVE OR FIGHT AND
DIE ♪

♪ TO FIGHT TO SAVE OR FIGHT AND
DIE ♪
♪ AYE, COAST GUARD, WE ARE FOR

DIE ♪
♪ AYE, COAST GUARD, WE ARE FOR
YOU ♪

♪ AYE, COAST GUARD, WE ARE FOR
YOU ♪
["SEA CRUISE" PLAYS]

YOU ♪
["SEA CRUISE" PLAYS]
♪ OLD MAN RHYTHM GETS IN MY

["SEA CRUISE" PLAYS]
♪ OLD MAN RHYTHM GETS IN MY
SHOES ♪

♪ OLD MAN RHYTHM GETS IN MY
SHOES ♪
♪ THERE'S NO USE SITTING THERE

SHOES ♪
♪ THERE'S NO USE SITTING THERE
AND SINGING THE BLUES ♪

♪ THERE'S NO USE SITTING THERE
AND SINGING THE BLUES ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪

AND SINGING THE BLUES ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪

♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A

♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ I FEEL LIKE JUMPING ♪

ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ I FEEL LIKE JUMPING ♪
♪ BABY, WON'T YOU JOIN ME,

♪ I FEEL LIKE JUMPING ♪
♪ BABY, WON'T YOU JOIN ME,
PLEASE? ♪

♪ BABY, WON'T YOU JOIN ME,
PLEASE? ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE BEGGING, BUT NOW

PLEASE? ♪
♪ I DON'T LIKE BEGGING, BUT NOW
I'M ON BENDED KNEES ♪

♪ I DON'T LIKE BEGGING, BUT NOW
I'M ON BENDED KNEES ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO GET TO ROCKING ♪

I'M ON BENDED KNEES ♪
♪ I'VE GOT TO GET TO ROCKING ♪
♪ GET MY HAT OFF THE RACK ♪

♪ I'VE GOT TO GET TO ROCKING ♪
♪ GET MY HAT OFF THE RACK ♪
♪ I GOT TO BOOGIE WOOGIE LIKE A

♪ GET MY HAT OFF THE RACK ♪
♪ I GOT TO BOOGIE WOOGIE LIKE A
KNIFE IN A BACK ♪

♪ I GOT TO BOOGIE WOOGIE LIKE A
KNIFE IN A BACK ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪

KNIFE IN A BACK ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪

♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A

♪ YOU GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ AHHHHH ♪
♪ OOOOOOOH ♪

♪ OOOOOOOH ♪
♪ AHHHHH ♪
♪ I GOT TO GET TO MOVING,

♪ AHHHHH ♪
♪ I GOT TO GET TO MOVING,
BABY ♪

♪ I GOT TO GET TO MOVING,
BABY ♪
♪ I AIN'T LYING ♪

BABY ♪
♪ I AIN'T LYING ♪
♪ MY HEART IS BEATING RHYTHM,

♪ I AIN'T LYING ♪
♪ MY HEART IS BEATING RHYTHM,
AND IT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪

♪ MY HEART IS BEATING RHYTHM,
AND IT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪

AND IT'S RIGHT ON TIME ♪
♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪

♪ SO BE MY GUEST ♪
♪ GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A

♪ GOT NOTHING TO LOSE ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU ON A
SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪

♪ OOH WEE ♪
♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU

♪ OOH WEE, BABY ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU

ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU

ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU

ON A SEA CRUISE? ♪
♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SE-E-E-A CRU-U-U-U-ISE? ♪

♪ WON'T YOU LET ME TAKE YOU
ON A SE-E-E-A CRU-U-U-U-ISE? ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

I'M SURE YOUR WHOLE FAMILY
LOVES CHEESE, BUT ONE MEMBER
NEVER GETS ENOUGH... YOUR CAR.

LOVES CHEESE, BUT ONE MEMBER
NEVER GETS ENOUGH... YOUR CAR.
THAT'S WHY WE CREATED CAR

NEVER GETS ENOUGH... YOUR CAR.
THAT'S WHY WE CREATED CAR
YUMMIES.

THAT'S WHY WE CREATED CAR
YUMMIES.
SHAPED LIKE LITTLE TRAFFIC

YUMMIES.
SHAPED LIKE LITTLE TRAFFIC
SIGNS, CAR YUMMIES PROVIDE ALL

SHAPED LIKE LITTLE TRAFFIC
SIGNS, CAR YUMMIES PROVIDE ALL
THE ESSENTIAL ADDITIVES YOUR CAR

SIGNS, CAR YUMMIES PROVIDE ALL
THE ESSENTIAL ADDITIVES YOUR CAR
NEEDS, PLUS A HEARTY CHEDDAR

THE ESSENTIAL ADDITIVES YOUR CAR
NEEDS, PLUS A HEARTY CHEDDAR
FLAVOR THAT AUTOMOBILES REALLY

NEEDS, PLUS A HEARTY CHEDDAR
FLAVOR THAT AUTOMOBILES REALLY
GO FOR.

FLAVOR THAT AUTOMOBILES REALLY
GO FOR.
TRUCKS LIKE THEM, TOO.

GO FOR.
TRUCKS LIKE THEM, TOO.
RIGHT YOU ARE.

TRUCKS LIKE THEM, TOO.
RIGHT YOU ARE.
NO MOTOR VEHICLE CAN RESIST

RIGHT YOU ARE.
NO MOTOR VEHICLE CAN RESIST
THESE TEMPTING, TANK-SIZED

NO MOTOR VEHICLE CAN RESIST
THESE TEMPTING, TANK-SIZED
CHUNKS.

THESE TEMPTING, TANK-SIZED
CHUNKS.
IS IT ANY WONDER THAT

CHUNKS.
IS IT ANY WONDER THAT
AUTO TREND MAGAZINE CALLED THEM

IS IT ANY WONDER THAT
AUTO TREND MAGAZINE CALLED THEM
"THE PERFECT BETWEEN-PUMP SNACK

AUTO TREND MAGAZINE CALLED THEM
"THE PERFECT BETWEEN-PUMP SNACK
FOR CARS ON THE GO"?

"THE PERFECT BETWEEN-PUMP SNACK
FOR CARS ON THE GO"?
AND TAKE IT FROM ME.

FOR CARS ON THE GO"?
AND TAKE IT FROM ME.
A WELL-FED CAR GIVES BETTER

AND TAKE IT FROM ME.
A WELL-FED CAR GIVES BETTER
MILEAGE WITH FEWER REPAIRS.

A WELL-FED CAR GIVES BETTER
MILEAGE WITH FEWER REPAIRS.
AS A REWARD, AS AN APPETIZER,

MILEAGE WITH FEWER REPAIRS.
AS A REWARD, AS AN APPETIZER,
OR SIMPLY AS A REGULAR PROGRAM

AS A REWARD, AS AN APPETIZER,
OR SIMPLY AS A REGULAR PROGRAM
OF FUEL SUPPLEMENT, WHY NOT

OR SIMPLY AS A REGULAR PROGRAM
OF FUEL SUPPLEMENT, WHY NOT
TREAT YOUR CAR TO CAR YUMMIES?

CAR YUMMIES... GIVES YOUR CAR

PEP AND LETS YOUR CAR KNOW THAT

YOU CARE.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

UH, THE MUPPETS COULDN'T BE
HERE TONIGHT.
THEY ARE AT THE GRAMMYS IN

HERE TONIGHT.
THEY ARE AT THE GRAMMYS IN
CALIFORNIA.

THEY ARE AT THE GRAMMYS IN
CALIFORNIA.
BUT THEY'LL BE BACK MARCH 13th.

CALIFORNIA.
BUT THEY'LL BE BACK MARCH 13th.
AND, IN THE MEANTIME, ONE OF THE

BUT THEY'LL BE BACK MARCH 13th.
AND, IN THE MEANTIME, ONE OF THE
CAST MEMBERS HAS VOLUNTEERED TO

AND, IN THE MEANTIME, ONE OF THE
CAST MEMBERS HAS VOLUNTEERED TO
GO ON IN THEIR PLACE AND PERFORM

CAST MEMBERS HAS VOLUNTEERED TO
GO ON IN THEIR PLACE AND PERFORM
A LITTLE PLAY CALLED "PAYING THE

GO ON IN THEIR PLACE AND PERFORM
A LITTLE PLAY CALLED "PAYING THE
MILKMAN."

WELL, GOODBYE, HONEY.
GOODBYE, DEAR.
HAVE A GOOD TIME IN ROCHESTER.

GOODBYE, DEAR.
HAVE A GOOD TIME IN ROCHESTER.
[DOOR CLOSES]

HAVE A GOOD TIME IN ROCHESTER.
[DOOR CLOSES]
[WHISTLING]

[DOOR CLOSES]
[WHISTLING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]

[WHISTLING]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]
WHO IS IT?
IT'S THE MILKMAN.

WHO IS IT?
IT'S THE MILKMAN.
UM, UH, I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR

IT'S THE MILKMAN.
UM, UH, I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR
IN MY UNDERWEAR.

UM, UH, I CAN'T OPEN THE DOOR
IN MY UNDERWEAR.
YOU HAVE A DOOR IN YOUR

IN MY UNDERWEAR.
YOU HAVE A DOOR IN YOUR
UNDERWEAR?

YOU HAVE A DOOR IN YOUR
UNDERWEAR?
LET ME IN! I'LL GET IT OPEN!

UNDERWEAR?
LET ME IN! I'LL GET IT OPEN!
WELL, UM, OKAY. HOLD ON.

LET ME IN! I'LL GET IT OPEN!
WELL, UM, OKAY. HOLD ON.
[DOOR OPENS]

WELL, UM, OKAY. HOLD ON.
[DOOR OPENS]
UM...

[DOOR OPENS]
UM...
I, UM...

UM...
I, UM...
UH, NOW, MRS. LEFT... JUST A

I, UM...
UH, NOW, MRS. LEFT... JUST A
MINUTE, PLEASE.

UH, NOW, MRS. LEFT... JUST A
MINUTE, PLEASE.
I'LL JUST PUT THIS DOWN HERE.

MINUTE, PLEASE.
I'LL JUST PUT THIS DOWN HERE.
I, UH... I NOTICED, UH, YOU HAVE

I'LL JUST PUT THIS DOWN HERE.
I, UH... I NOTICED, UH, YOU HAVE
QUITE A... QUITE A MILK BILL RUN

I, UH... I NOTICED, UH, YOU HAVE
QUITE A... QUITE A MILK BILL RUN
UP HERE...

QUITE A... QUITE A MILK BILL RUN
UP HERE...
QUITE A MILK BILL, INDEED.

UP HERE...
QUITE A MILK BILL, INDEED.
OH, YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO

QUITE A MILK BILL, INDEED.
OH, YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO
MONEY, AND MY HUSBAND IS AWAY ON

OH, YOU KNOW, I HAVE NO
MONEY, AND MY HUSBAND IS AWAY ON
A BUSINESS TRIP.

MONEY, AND MY HUSBAND IS AWAY ON
A BUSINESS TRIP.
HOW EVER WILL I PAY IT?

WELL, UH, LET'S SEE.
I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE FOR
10 MINUTES.

I DON'T HAVE TO BE ANYWHERE FOR
10 MINUTES.
MAYBE WE COULD JUST, UH... KIND

10 MINUTES.
MAYBE WE COULD JUST, UH... KIND
OF GET COMFORTABLE?

MAYBE WE COULD JUST, UH... KIND
OF GET COMFORTABLE?
NOW YOU'RE TALKING, FUN

OF GET COMFORTABLE?
NOW YOU'RE TALKING, FUN
BUNS!

NOW YOU'RE TALKING, FUN
BUNS!
LET ME JUST SLIP THIS OFF, HERE.

BUNS!
LET ME JUST SLIP THIS OFF, HERE.
SAY, UH, WHEN DO YOU THINK

LET ME JUST SLIP THIS OFF, HERE.
SAY, UH, WHEN DO YOU THINK
YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE BACK?

SAY, UH, WHEN DO YOU THINK
YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE BACK?
AUGUST.

YOUR HUSBAND WILL BE BACK?
AUGUST.
UM...

AUGUST.
UM...
UH, AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S FILM

UM...
UH, AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S FILM
BY A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...

UH, AND NOW, THIS WEEK'S FILM
BY A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...
GARY WEIS.

BY A VERY GOOD FRIEND OF MINE...
GARY WEIS.
WHEN WE LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,

GARY WEIS.
WHEN WE LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,
IF WE WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH

WHEN WE LIVED IN CALIFORNIA,
IF WE WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH
OR SOMETHING, WE'D HAVE TO THINK

IF WE WANTED TO GO TO THE BEACH
OR SOMETHING, WE'D HAVE TO THINK
UP DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRICKING

OR SOMETHING, WE'D HAVE TO THINK
UP DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRICKING
HIM SO HE WOULDN'T KNOW, SO WE

UP DIFFERENT WAYS OF TRICKING
HIM SO HE WOULDN'T KNOW, SO WE
STARTED OUT SPELLING.

HIM SO HE WOULDN'T KNOW, SO WE
STARTED OUT SPELLING.
WE SPELLED B-E-A-C-H.

STARTED OUT SPELLING.
WE SPELLED B-E-A-C-H.
BUT HE CAUGHT ON ANYWAY.

WE SPELLED B-E-A-C-H.
BUT HE CAUGHT ON ANYWAY.
OUT HERE IN NEW YORK, "BEACH"

BUT HE CAUGHT ON ANYWAY.
OUT HERE IN NEW YORK, "BEACH"
ISN'T SUCH A HOT WORD, SO IT'S

OUT HERE IN NEW YORK, "BEACH"
ISN'T SUCH A HOT WORD, SO IT'S
JUST PLAIN "GOING OUT" OR "GOING

ISN'T SUCH A HOT WORD, SO IT'S
JUST PLAIN "GOING OUT" OR "GOING
TO THE P-A-R-K."

JUST PLAIN "GOING OUT" OR "GOING
TO THE P-A-R-K."
BATTERY PARK?

TO THE P-A-R-K."
BATTERY PARK?
OR JUST PLAN GOING FOR MAYBE A

BATTERY PARK?
OR JUST PLAN GOING FOR MAYBE A
BIKE RIDE.

OR JUST PLAN GOING FOR MAYBE A
BIKE RIDE.
OR WE COULD GO FOR A WALK.

BIKE RIDE.
OR WE COULD GO FOR A WALK.
OR WE COULD GO... BATTERY PARK

OR WE COULD GO FOR A WALK.
OR WE COULD GO... BATTERY PARK
IS HIS FAVORITE PLACE.

OR WE COULD GO... BATTERY PARK
IS HIS FAVORITE PLACE.
SO IT USED TO BE THE BEACH.

IS HIS FAVORITE PLACE.
SO IT USED TO BE THE BEACH.
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE BEACH.

SO IT USED TO BE THE BEACH.
HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE BEACH.
NOW IT'S MOSTLY JUST THE PARK.

HE DOESN'T REMEMBER THE BEACH.
NOW IT'S MOSTLY JUST THE PARK.
THIS IS MY VIDEO STUDIO.

NOW IT'S MOSTLY JUST THE PARK.
THIS IS MY VIDEO STUDIO.
[MANRAY WHIMPERS]

THIS IS MY VIDEO STUDIO.
[MANRAY WHIMPERS]
MANRAY, SETTLE DOWN.

[MANRAY WHIMPERS]
MANRAY, SETTLE DOWN.
IT'S... I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF

MANRAY, SETTLE DOWN.
IT'S... I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF
PIECE WITH COMMON OBJECTS OR

IT'S... I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF
PIECE WITH COMMON OBJECTS OR
THINGS THAT ARE JUST AROUND.

PIECE WITH COMMON OBJECTS OR
THINGS THAT ARE JUST AROUND.
AND THE DOG IS ALWAYS AROUND, SO

THINGS THAT ARE JUST AROUND.
AND THE DOG IS ALWAYS AROUND, SO
HE USUALLY GETS INTO PIECES,

AND THE DOG IS ALWAYS AROUND, SO
HE USUALLY GETS INTO PIECES,
WHETHER I WANT HIM TO OR NOT.

HE USUALLY GETS INTO PIECES,
WHETHER I WANT HIM TO OR NOT.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ONE PIECE

WHETHER I WANT HIM TO OR NOT.
I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ONE PIECE
WITH THIS CAN WHICH HE PICKED

I'VE BEEN DOING THIS ONE PIECE
WITH THIS CAN WHICH HE PICKED
OUT OF THE GARBAGE AND SOME

WITH THIS CAN WHICH HE PICKED
OUT OF THE GARBAGE AND SOME
PING-PONG BALLS.

OUT OF THE GARBAGE AND SOME
PING-PONG BALLS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A

PING-PONG BALLS.
I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A
SHORT PIECE, BUT IT ENDED UP

I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE A
SHORT PIECE, BUT IT ENDED UP
TAKING ABOUT 20 MINUTES.

THIS IS A PIECE THAT I TRIED A
FEW YEARS AGO, WHEN I LIVED IN
CALIFORNIA, CALLED

FEW YEARS AGO, WHEN I LIVED IN
CALIFORNIA, CALLED
"THE HOLLYWOOD KISS."

CALIFORNIA, CALLED
"THE HOLLYWOOD KISS."
COME HERE.

HE'S DOING A LOT MORE LICKING
THIS TIME THAN ACTUAL KISSING.
I THINK I NEED A HARDER COOKIE.

THIS TIME THAN ACTUAL KISSING.
I THINK I NEED A HARDER COOKIE.
THIS IS HIS FAVORITE KIND OF

I THINK I NEED A HARDER COOKIE.
THIS IS HIS FAVORITE KIND OF
ROCK.

THIS IS HIS FAVORITE KIND OF
ROCK.
IT'S PURE NEW YORK MARBLE.

ROCK.
IT'S PURE NEW YORK MARBLE.
SOMETIMES I DO PIECES WHICH

IT'S PURE NEW YORK MARBLE.
SOMETIMES I DO PIECES WHICH
INVOLVE HIS HOUND INSTINCT FOR

SOMETIMES I DO PIECES WHICH
INVOLVE HIS HOUND INSTINCT FOR
RETRIEVING.

INVOLVE HIS HOUND INSTINCT FOR
RETRIEVING.
THIS IS ONE THAT HE GOES CRAZY

RETRIEVING.
THIS IS ONE THAT HE GOES CRAZY
FOR.

THIS IS ONE THAT HE GOES CRAZY
FOR.
THIS IS LIKE REALLY HEAVY

FOR.
THIS IS LIKE REALLY HEAVY
RUBBER.

THIS IS LIKE REALLY HEAVY
RUBBER.
THIS THING WEIGHS ABOUT 80

RUBBER.
THIS THING WEIGHS ABOUT 80
POUNDS.

THIS THING WEIGHS ABOUT 80
POUNDS.
HE'S SAD WHEN HE GETS IT.

POUNDS.
HE'S SAD WHEN HE GETS IT.
SOMETIMES AT NIGHT WE HAVE THESE

HE'S SAD WHEN HE GETS IT.
SOMETIMES AT NIGHT WE HAVE THESE
STARING CONTESTS TO SEE WHO

SOMETIMES AT NIGHT WE HAVE THESE
STARING CONTESTS TO SEE WHO
CAN OUTLAST THE OTHER, AND HE

STARING CONTESTS TO SEE WHO
CAN OUTLAST THE OTHER, AND HE
ALWAYS WINS.

THE LONGEST ONE LASTED AN HOUR
AND A HALF.
WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING?

AND A HALF.
WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING?
YEAH, ANYTHING YOU WANT.

WANT ME TO SAY ANYTHING?
YEAH, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
THERE'S THE WORLD TRADE

YEAH, ANYTHING YOU WANT.
THERE'S THE WORLD TRADE
CENTER OVER THERE.

THERE'S THE WORLD TRADE
CENTER OVER THERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

CENTER OVER THERE.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, OUR NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
WELL, OUR NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN
ON THE SHOW SEVERAL TIMES, AND

WELL, OUR NEXT GUEST HAS BEEN
ON THE SHOW SEVERAL TIMES, AND
FOR WHAT HE'S DOING TONIGHT, HE

ON THE SHOW SEVERAL TIMES, AND
FOR WHAT HE'S DOING TONIGHT, HE
NEEDS FOUR PEOPLE, VOLUNTEERS

FOR WHAT HE'S DOING TONIGHT, HE
NEEDS FOUR PEOPLE, VOLUNTEERS
FROM THE AUDIENCE.

NEEDS FOUR PEOPLE, VOLUNTEERS
FROM THE AUDIENCE.
AND I'M GONNA CHOOSE THEM.

FROM THE AUDIENCE.
AND I'M GONNA CHOOSE THEM.
DON'T ALL RAISE YOUR HANDS AT

AND I'M GONNA CHOOSE THEM.
DON'T ALL RAISE YOUR HANDS AT
ONCE.

DON'T ALL RAISE YOUR HANDS AT
ONCE.
LET'S SEE. NOW, THERE'S...

ONCE.
LET'S SEE. NOW, THERE'S...
UH...

LET'S SEE. NOW, THERE'S...
UH...
YOU!

UH...
YOU!
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.

YOU!
YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.
COME ON UP.

YOU HAVE BEEN CHOSEN.
COME ON UP.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

COME ON UP.
AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO IT?

AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?
WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO IT?
COME ON. YEAH, YEAH.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO IT?
COME ON. YEAH, YEAH.
JUST COME STAND UP HERE.

COME ON. YEAH, YEAH.
JUST COME STAND UP HERE.
BE READY FOR ANYTHING.

JUST COME STAND UP HERE.
BE READY FOR ANYTHING.
IT'LL BE PAINLESS.

BE READY FOR ANYTHING.
IT'LL BE PAINLESS.
AND LET'S SEE.

IT'LL BE PAINLESS.
AND LET'S SEE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ON?

AND LET'S SEE.
WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ON?
YEAH, COME ON UP.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE ON?
YEAH, COME ON UP.
AND, UH... OH, I THINK I'LL PICK

YEAH, COME ON UP.
AND, UH... OH, I THINK I'LL PICK
A GIRL.

AND, UH... OH, I THINK I'LL PICK
A GIRL.
OH, I SAW YOU LOOKING AWAY.

A GIRL.
OH, I SAW YOU LOOKING AWAY.
COME ON.

OH, I SAW YOU LOOKING AWAY.
COME ON.
OKAY.

COME ON.
OKAY.
OH, HERE... NOW YOU STAND...

OKAY.
OH, HERE... NOW YOU STAND...
YOU STAND HERE.

OH, HERE... NOW YOU STAND...
YOU STAND HERE.
I KNOW ABOUT THIS... BOY, GIRL,

YOU STAND HERE.
I KNOW ABOUT THIS... BOY, GIRL,
BOY, GIRL.

I KNOW ABOUT THIS... BOY, GIRL,
BOY, GIRL.
YOU STAND HERE.

BOY, GIRL.
YOU STAND HERE.
AND I THINK THAT'S IT.

YOU STAND HERE.
AND I THINK THAT'S IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

AND I THINK THAT'S IT.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN.

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
ANDY KAUFMAN.
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WHOA!

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WHOA!
WHOA!

WHOA!
WHOA!
OH, I LIKE THAT SONG, MR. BILLY.

WHOA!
OH, I LIKE THAT SONG, MR. BILLY.
LET'S ALL IT SING IT, SHALL WE?

OH, I LIKE THAT SONG, MR. BILLY.
LET'S ALL IT SING IT, SHALL WE?
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.

LET'S ALL IT SING IT, SHALL WE?
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.
ARE YOU READY, BOYS?

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.
ARE YOU READY, BOYS?
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

ARE YOU READY, BOYS?
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD
SOME CHICKS ♪

♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD
SOME CHICKS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

SOME CHICKS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A

♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪

♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪

CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.
IT'S YOUR TURN.

ALL RIGHT, LITTLE TEX.
IT'S YOUR TURN.
[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD

IT'S YOUR TURN.
[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD
SOME DUCKS ♪

♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE HAD
SOME DUCKS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

SOME DUCKS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A

♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪

♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪

QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A

♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪

♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪

CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NEXT,

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NEXT,
JOE.

WELL, I GUESS YOU'RE NEXT,
JOE.
[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD

JOE.
[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD
SOME TURKEYS ♪

♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD
SOME TURKEYS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

SOME TURKEYS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪

♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A

♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪

♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪

GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A

♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪

♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪

QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A

♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪

♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪

CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, EDDIE.

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, EDDIE.
[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD

NOW IT'S YOUR TURN, EDDIE.
[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD
SOME PIGS ♪

♪ AND ON THAT FARM HE HAD
SOME PIGS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

SOME PIGS ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪
♪ AND A OINK-OINK THERE ♪

♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪
♪ AND A OINK-OINK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE AN OINK, THERE AN

♪ AND A OINK-OINK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE AN OINK, THERE AN
OINK ♪

♪ AND HERE AN OINK, THERE AN
OINK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK OINK ♪

OINK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK OINK ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK OINK ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪

♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A

♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪

♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪

GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A

♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪

♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪

QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A

♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪

♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪

CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY,

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY,
GABE?

WHAT DO YOU HAVE TO SAY,
GABE?
[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD

GABE?
[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

[Lip-synching] ♪ WELL, OLD
MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE A COW ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE A COW ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ AND ON THIS FARM HE A COW ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A MOO-MOO HERE ♪

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
♪ WITH A MOO-MOO HERE ♪
♪ AND A MOO-MOO THERE ♪

♪ WITH A MOO-MOO HERE ♪
♪ AND A MOO-MOO THERE ♪
♪ HERE A MOO, THERE A MOO ♪

♪ AND A MOO-MOO THERE ♪
♪ HERE A MOO, THERE A MOO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A MOO-MOO ♪

♪ HERE A MOO, THERE A MOO ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A MOO-MOO ♪
♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A MOO-MOO ♪
♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪
♪ AND AN OINK-OINK THERE ♪

♪ WITH AN OINK-OINK HERE ♪
♪ AND AN OINK-OINK THERE ♪
♪ HERE AN OINK, THERE AN OINK ♪

♪ AND AN OINK-OINK THERE ♪
♪ HERE AN OINK, THERE AN OINK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK-OINK ♪

♪ HERE AN OINK, THERE AN OINK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK-OINK ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE AN OINK-OINK ♪
♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪

♪ WITH A GOBBLE-GOBBLE HERE ♪
♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A

♪ AND A GOBBLE-GOBBLE THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪

♪ AND HERE A GOBBLE, THERE A
GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪

GOBBLE ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A GOBBLE-GOBBLE ♪
♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A QUACK-QUACK HERE ♪
♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A

♪ AND A QUACK-QUACK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪

♪ AND HERE A QUACK, THERE A
QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪

QUACK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A QUACK-QUACK ♪
♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪

♪ WITH A CHICK-CHICK HERE ♪
♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A

♪ AND A CHICK-CHICK THERE ♪
♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪

♪ AND HERE A CHICK, THERE A
CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪

CHICK ♪
♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE A CHICK-CHICK ♪
♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪

♪ OLD MacDONALD HAD A FARM ♪
♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

♪ E-I-E-I-O ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, COWBOYS

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]
I'LL SEE YOU LATER, COWBOYS
AND COWGIRLS.

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
HMM?
NOTHING.

HMM?
NOTHING.
OH, WHEN YOU SIT THERE WITH

NOTHING.
OH, WHEN YOU SIT THERE WITH
THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE, YOU MUST

OH, WHEN YOU SIT THERE WITH
THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE, YOU MUST
BE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING.

THAT LOOK ON YOUR FACE, YOU MUST
BE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING.
WELL, I AM, I GUESS.

BE THINKING ABOUT SOMETHING.
WELL, I AM, I GUESS.
I'M THINKING ABOUT A MILLION

WELL, I AM, I GUESS.
I'M THINKING ABOUT A MILLION
THINGS AT ONCE.

I'M THINKING ABOUT A MILLION
THINGS AT ONCE.
LIKE WHAT?

THINGS AT ONCE.
LIKE WHAT?
WELL, LIKE THE MUSIC, WHAT I

LIKE WHAT?
WELL, LIKE THE MUSIC, WHAT I
ORDERED FOR DINNER, WHAT WE DID

WELL, LIKE THE MUSIC, WHAT I
ORDERED FOR DINNER, WHAT WE DID
TONIGHT, WHAT I'M GONNA DO

ORDERED FOR DINNER, WHAT WE DID
TONIGHT, WHAT I'M GONNA DO
TOMORROW.

TONIGHT, WHAT I'M GONNA DO
TOMORROW.
DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT

TOMORROW.
DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
ME?

DON'T YOU EVER THINK ABOUT
ME?
OF COURSE I DO.

ME?
OF COURSE I DO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT

OF COURSE I DO.
I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT
NOW.

I'M THINKING ABOUT YOU RIGHT
NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT

NOW.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT
ME?

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT
ME?
WELL, UH, I WAS THINKING, "I

ME?
WELL, UH, I WAS THINKING, "I
WONDER WHAT SHE'S THINKING

WELL, UH, I WAS THINKING, "I
WONDER WHAT SHE'S THINKING
ABOUT."

WONDER WHAT SHE'S THINKING
ABOUT."
NOTHING ELSE?

ABOUT."
NOTHING ELSE?
WELL, I WAS THINKING HOW MUCH

NOTHING ELSE?
WELL, I WAS THINKING HOW MUCH
I LOVE YOU.

WELL, I WAS THINKING HOW MUCH
I LOVE YOU.
HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?

I LOVE YOU.
HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU A LOT.

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU A LOT.
HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?

I LOVE YOU A LOT.
HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU A REAL LOT.

HOW MUCH DO YOU LOVE ME?
I LOVE YOU A REAL LOT.
AW.

I LOVE YOU A REAL LOT.
AW.
WELL, WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?

AW.
WELL, WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?

WELL, WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
YES.

WHY DO I LOVE YOU?
YES.
WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?

YES.
WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A

WHY DO YOU LOVE ME?
WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A
WONDERFUL PERSON, AND, UH...

WELL, BECAUSE YOU'RE A
WONDERFUL PERSON, AND, UH...
WELL, WHAT MAKES ME SO

WONDERFUL PERSON, AND, UH...
WELL, WHAT MAKES ME SO
WONDERFUL THAT YOU LOVE ME SO

WELL, WHAT MAKES ME SO
WONDERFUL THAT YOU LOVE ME SO
MUCH?

WONDERFUL THAT YOU LOVE ME SO
MUCH?
WELL, YOU'RE INQUISITIVE...

MUCH?
WELL, YOU'RE INQUISITIVE...
ALWAYS WONDERING, ASKING

WELL, YOU'RE INQUISITIVE...
ALWAYS WONDERING, ASKING
QUESTIONS.

ALWAYS WONDERING, ASKING
QUESTIONS.
YOU HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF BRUSHING

QUESTIONS.
YOU HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF BRUSHING
YOUR HAIR IN THE MORNING.

YOU HAVE A FUNNY WAY OF BRUSHING
YOUR HAIR IN THE MORNING.
AW.

YOUR HAIR IN THE MORNING.
AW.
YOU LIKE GRAPE NUTS...

AW.
YOU LIKE GRAPE NUTS...
THE WAY YOU CAN'T STAND WRINKLES

YOU LIKE GRAPE NUTS...
THE WAY YOU CAN'T STAND WRINKLES
IN THE RUG.

THE WAY YOU CAN'T STAND WRINKLES
IN THE RUG.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.

IN THE RUG.
OH, THAT'S SWEET.
YOU THINK SO?

OH, THAT'S SWEET.
YOU THINK SO?
YES.

YOU THINK SO?
YES.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?

YES.
WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
OH...

WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT?
OH...
WARTHOGS.

OH...
WARTHOGS.
[LAUGHTER]

WARTHOGS.
[LAUGHTER]
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: LADIES AND
GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN,
LEON REDBONE.

GENTLEMEN, ONCE AGAIN,
LEON REDBONE.
[APPLAUSE]

ON THE TUBA IS JONATHAN DORN.
[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "BIG TIME WOMAN"

[APPLAUSE]
[INTRO TO "BIG TIME WOMAN"
PLAYS]

♪ WHO'S THAT WOMAN WITH THE
SPARKLING DRESS? ♪
♪ THE DIAMOND BROCADE ON HER

SPARKLING DRESS? ♪
♪ THE DIAMOND BROCADE ON HER
CHEST? ♪

♪ THE DIAMOND BROCADE ON HER
CHEST? ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN

CHEST? ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪

♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
♪ AUTOMOBILES AND A COZY HOME ♪

FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
♪ AUTOMOBILES AND A COZY HOME ♪
♪ BUT YOU ALWAYS SEE HER

♪ AUTOMOBILES AND A COZY HOME ♪
♪ BUT YOU ALWAYS SEE HER
ALL ALONE ♪

♪ BUT YOU ALWAYS SEE HER
ALL ALONE ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN

ALL ALONE ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪

♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
♪ OH, THE WAY SHE TREATS

FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
♪ OH, THE WAY SHE TREATS
THOSE NEW YORK MEN ♪

♪ OH, THE WAY SHE TREATS
THOSE NEW YORK MEN ♪
♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪

THOSE NEW YORK MEN ♪
♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪
♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME

♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪
♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME
DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME
DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING

DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING
SMILE ♪

♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING
SMILE ♪
♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST

SMILE ♪
♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST
LIKE A CHILD ♪

♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST
LIKE A CHILD ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN

LIKE A CHILD ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪

♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
[IMITATING HORN]

♪ OH, THE WAY SHE TREATS THOSE
NEW YORK MEN ♪
♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪

NEW YORK MEN ♪
♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪
♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME

♪ OH, IT'S A SIN ♪
♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME
DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪

♪ SHE KEEPS THEM ASKING THE SAME
DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING

DARN THING ALL OVER AGAIN ♪
♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING
SMILE ♪

♪ EVERY FELLA HAS A WINNING
SMILE ♪
♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST

SMILE ♪
♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST
LIKE A CHILD ♪

♪ BUT SHE TREATS THEM ALL JUST
LIKE A CHILD ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN

LIKE A CHILD ♪
♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪

♪ SHE'S A BIG TIME WOMAN
FROM WAY OUT WEST ♪
[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

Announcer: AND NOW...
"GREAT MOMENTS IN HERSTORY," A
CELEBRATION OF WOMEN THROUGH THE

"GREAT MOMENTS IN HERSTORY," A
CELEBRATION OF WOMEN THROUGH THE
AGES.

[CRYING]
WHO IS THAT?
OH, WHAT IS WRONG, MY LITTLE

WHO IS THAT?
OH, WHAT IS WRONG, MY LITTLE
GIRL?

OH, WHAT IS WRONG, MY LITTLE
GIRL?
OH, PAPA, I WAS PLAYING WITH

GIRL?
OH, PAPA, I WAS PLAYING WITH
CHARINGI, AND HE HIT ME.

OH, PAPA, I WAS PLAYING WITH
CHARINGI, AND HE HIT ME.
OH, HE HIT YOU?

CHARINGI, AND HE HIT ME.
OH, HE HIT YOU?
OH, WHY HE HIT YOU?

OH, HE HIT YOU?
OH, WHY HE HIT YOU?
OH, QUIT MAKING THOSE FACES.

OH, WHY HE HIT YOU?
OH, QUIT MAKING THOSE FACES.
OH. WHY?

OH, QUIT MAKING THOSE FACES.
OH. WHY?
I WANTED HIM TO LET ME PLAY

OH. WHY?
I WANTED HIM TO LET ME PLAY
WITH HIS GUN.

I WANTED HIM TO LET ME PLAY
WITH HIS GUN.
AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,

WITH HIS GUN.
AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,
SO I TOOK IT.

AND HE WOULDN'T GIVE IT TO ME,
SO I TOOK IT.
AND THEN HE GRABBED IT FROM ME

SO I TOOK IT.
AND THEN HE GRABBED IT FROM ME
AND PUSHED ME DOWN, AND I HIT

AND THEN HE GRABBED IT FROM ME
AND PUSHED ME DOWN, AND I HIT
HIM.

AND PUSHED ME DOWN, AND I HIT
HIM.
AND THEN HE PUSHED ME DOWN AGAIN

HIM.
AND THEN HE PUSHED ME DOWN AGAIN
AND RAN AWAY.

AND THEN HE PUSHED ME DOWN AGAIN
AND RAN AWAY.
OH, NOW, MY DAUGHTER INDIRA,

AND RAN AWAY.
OH, NOW, MY DAUGHTER INDIRA,
YOUR NAMESAKE IS GANDHI, WHO

OH, NOW, MY DAUGHTER INDIRA,
YOUR NAMESAKE IS GANDHI, WHO
TAUGHT THAT THE TREE WHICH

YOUR NAMESAKE IS GANDHI, WHO
TAUGHT THAT THE TREE WHICH
YIELDS IN THE WIND IS THE ONE

TAUGHT THAT THE TREE WHICH
YIELDS IN THE WIND IS THE ONE
THAT SURVIVES.

YIELDS IN THE WIND IS THE ONE
THAT SURVIVES.
YOU MUST PRACTICE A PHILOSOPHY

THAT SURVIVES.
YOU MUST PRACTICE A PHILOSOPHY
OF PASSIVE RESISTANCE, MY

YOU MUST PRACTICE A PHILOSOPHY
OF PASSIVE RESISTANCE, MY
DAUGHTER.

OF PASSIVE RESISTANCE, MY
DAUGHTER.
DO NOT THINK YOU CAN MAKE OTHERS

DAUGHTER.
DO NOT THINK YOU CAN MAKE OTHERS
OBEY YOUR WILL.

DO NOT THINK YOU CAN MAKE OTHERS
OBEY YOUR WILL.
REMEMBER TO... OH!

OBEY YOUR WILL.
REMEMBER TO... OH!
OH, PAPA!

REMEMBER TO... OH!
OH, PAPA!
OH.

OH, PAPA!
OH.
THEN JUST CAN I HAVE MY OWN

OH.
THEN JUST CAN I HAVE MY OWN
GUN, PAPA?

THEN JUST CAN I HAVE MY OWN
GUN, PAPA?
NO, NO.

GUN, PAPA?
NO, NO.
WHY NOT?

NO, NO.
WHY NOT?
A SWEET LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU

WHY NOT?
A SWEET LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU
SHOULD NOT HAVE GUNS.

A SWEET LITTLE GIRL LIKE YOU
SHOULD NOT HAVE GUNS.
YOU HAVE A BIG PIMPLE ON YOUR

SHOULD NOT HAVE GUNS.
YOU HAVE A BIG PIMPLE ON YOUR
FOREHEAD.

YOU HAVE A BIG PIMPLE ON YOUR
FOREHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

FOREHEAD.
ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T YOU TOUCH MY THIRD EYE.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.
DON'T YOU TOUCH MY THIRD EYE.
NOW, LISTEN.

DON'T YOU TOUCH MY THIRD EYE.
NOW, LISTEN.
I WANT A GUN.

NOW, LISTEN.
I WANT A GUN.
NOW, GUNS ARE BOY TOYS.

I WANT A GUN.
NOW, GUNS ARE BOY TOYS.
BOYS PLAY WITH GUNS.

NOW, GUNS ARE BOY TOYS.
BOYS PLAY WITH GUNS.
NOW, LEAVE DADDY ALONE.

BOYS PLAY WITH GUNS.
NOW, LEAVE DADDY ALONE.
I HAVE TO MEDITATE.

NOW, LEAVE DADDY ALONE.
I HAVE TO MEDITATE.
WHEN I GROW UP, NO ONE WILL

I HAVE TO MEDITATE.
WHEN I GROW UP, NO ONE WILL
TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

WHEN I GROW UP, NO ONE WILL
TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
I WILL HAVE MY OWN GUN AND

TELL ME WHAT TO DO.
I WILL HAVE MY OWN GUN AND
BOMBS, TOO, AND I WILL CENSOR

I WILL HAVE MY OWN GUN AND
BOMBS, TOO, AND I WILL CENSOR
THE NEWSPAPERS, AND I WILL EVEN

BOMBS, TOO, AND I WILL CENSOR
THE NEWSPAPERS, AND I WILL EVEN
LOCK EVERYBODY UP THAT I DON'T

THE NEWSPAPERS, AND I WILL EVEN
LOCK EVERYBODY UP THAT I DON'T
LIKE.

LOCK EVERYBODY UP THAT I DON'T
LIKE.
[GONG BANGS]

LIKE.
[GONG BANGS]
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN

[GONG BANGS]
Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER "GREAT MOMENT IN

Announcer: THIS HAS BEEN
ANOTHER "GREAT MOMENT IN
HERSTORY."

ANOTHER "GREAT MOMENT IN
HERSTORY."
[APPLAUSE]

HI, MY NAME'S DANNY.
WHAT'S YOURS?
ABOUT HOME MOVIES... YOU SEND

WHAT'S YOURS?
ABOUT HOME MOVIES... YOU SEND
THEM IN.

ABOUT HOME MOVIES... YOU SEND
THEM IN.
WE'LL PLAY THEM.

THEM IN.
WE'LL PLAY THEM.
NO PAY, JUST PLAY.

WE'LL PLAY THEM.
NO PAY, JUST PLAY.
THE HOME MOVIE THIS WEEK IS BY

NO PAY, JUST PLAY.
THE HOME MOVIE THIS WEEK IS BY
WALTER WILLIAMS.

THE HOME MOVIE THIS WEEK IS BY
WALTER WILLIAMS.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]

WALTER WILLIAMS.
[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
IT'S THE MR. BILL HOLIDAY

[SCATTERED APPLAUSE]
IT'S THE MR. BILL HOLIDAY
SPECIAL, AND, WAIT, I HEAR

IT'S THE MR. BILL HOLIDAY
SPECIAL, AND, WAIT, I HEAR
MR. BILL COMING RIGHT NOW.

SPECIAL, AND, WAIT, I HEAR
MR. BILL COMING RIGHT NOW.
LOOK, THERE HE IS.

MR. BILL COMING RIGHT NOW.
LOOK, THERE HE IS.
HI, MR. BILL. HOW ARE YOU?

LOOK, THERE HE IS.
HI, MR. BILL. HOW ARE YOU?
OH-HO-HO, KIDDIES, HOW ARE

HI, MR. BILL. HOW ARE YOU?
OH-HO-HO, KIDDIES, HOW ARE
YOU DOING OUT THERE?

OH-HO-HO, KIDDIES, HOW ARE
YOU DOING OUT THERE?
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR

YOU DOING OUT THERE?
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR
BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE

IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE ALL YOUR
BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE
TV SET.

BRIGHT FACES OUT IN FRONT OF THE
TV SET.
OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT

TV SET.
OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY.

OH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A GREAT
TIME TODAY.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE, AND

TIME TODAY.
ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE, AND
WE'RE ALL GONNA DO THOSE THINGS,

ALL MY FRIENDS ARE HERE, AND
WE'RE ALL GONNA DO THOSE THINGS,
YOU KNOW, THOSE FUN THINGS WE

WE'RE ALL GONNA DO THOSE THINGS,
YOU KNOW, THOSE FUN THINGS WE
ALWAYS DO.

YOU KNOW, THOSE FUN THINGS WE
ALWAYS DO.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND.

ALWAYS DO.
I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND.
HE ALWAYS HELPS ME OUT A LOT.

I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET MY FRIEND.
HE ALWAYS HELPS ME OUT A LOT.
HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.

HE ALWAYS HELPS ME OUT A LOT.
HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.
SAY HELLO, MR. HANDS.

HIS NAME IS MR. HANDS.
SAY HELLO, MR. HANDS.
HEY, MR. BILL.

SAY HELLO, MR. HANDS.
HEY, MR. BILL.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?

HEY, MR. BILL.
HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.

HOW ARE YOU TODAY?
GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, I'M FINE.

GOOD TO SEE YOU.
OH, I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?

OH, I'M FINE.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, I'M DOING JUST GREAT,

HOW ARE YOU?
OH, I'M DOING JUST GREAT,
MR. BILL.

OH, I'M DOING JUST GREAT,
MR. BILL.
SOMEBODY'S COMING TO SEE YOU.

MR. BILL.
SOMEBODY'S COMING TO SEE YOU.
UH, WHO COULD BE COMING TO

SOMEBODY'S COMING TO SEE YOU.
UH, WHO COULD BE COMING TO
SEE ME, WHO?

UH, WHO COULD BE COMING TO
SEE ME, WHO?
IT'S YOUR DOG.

SEE ME, WHO?
IT'S YOUR DOG.
OH!

IT'S YOUR DOG.
OH!
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

OH!
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
SPOT!
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

SPOT!
♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
SPOT!

♪ HERE COMES MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
SPOT!
♪ HE CAN RUN AND JUMP AND

SPOT!
♪ HE CAN RUN AND JUMP AND
PLAY ♪

♪ HE CAN RUN AND JUMP AND
PLAY ♪
♪ I'M MR. BILL'S DOG ♪

PLAY ♪
♪ I'M MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH-HO, SPOT, IT'S VERY GOOD

♪ I'M MR. BILL'S DOG ♪
OH-HO, SPOT, IT'S VERY GOOD
TO SEE YOU.

OH-HO, SPOT, IT'S VERY GOOD
TO SEE YOU.
OH, ARE YOU BEING A GOOD DOG?

TO SEE YOU.
OH, ARE YOU BEING A GOOD DOG?
OH, YES, MR. BILL.

OH, ARE YOU BEING A GOOD DOG?
OH, YES, MR. BILL.
HOW ARE YOU?

OH, YES, MR. BILL.
HOW ARE YOU?
OH, FINE.

HOW ARE YOU?
OH, FINE.
AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING ALL THOSE

OH, FINE.
AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING ALL THOSE
THINGS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO?

AND YOU'VE BEEN DOING ALL THOSE
THINGS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO?
YES, AND I DON'T EVEN GO ON

THINGS YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO DO?
YES, AND I DON'T EVEN GO ON
THE RUG ANYMORE.

YES, AND I DON'T EVEN GO ON
THE RUG ANYMORE.
COME HERE, SPOT, LET ME PET

THE RUG ANYMORE.
COME HERE, SPOT, LET ME PET
YOU.

COME HERE, SPOT, LET ME PET
YOU.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.

YOU.
OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DON'T PULL MY EARS, MR. BILL.

OH, IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
DON'T PULL MY EARS, MR. BILL.
BUT I LIKE TO. IT'S FUN.

DON'T PULL MY EARS, MR. BILL.
BUT I LIKE TO. IT'S FUN.
OH, WAIT!

BUT I LIKE TO. IT'S FUN.
OH, WAIT!
MR. SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.

OH, WAIT!
MR. SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.
OH, NO!

MR. SPOT HAS TO GO NOW.
OH, NO!
OHHHHHH!

OH, NO!
OHHHHHH!
SAY, MR. BILL, HOW WOULD YOU

OHHHHHH!
SAY, MR. BILL, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME COMPANY FROM ONE OF

SAY, MR. BILL, HOW WOULD YOU
LIKE SOME COMPANY FROM ONE OF
YOUR BEST FRIENDS?

LIKE SOME COMPANY FROM ONE OF
YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
WHO'S THAT?

YOUR BEST FRIENDS?
WHO'S THAT?
TAKE A GUESS.

WHO'S THAT?
TAKE A GUESS.
LOOK.

TAKE A GUESS.
LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW.

LOOK.
I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.

I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.
WELL, HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST

I DON'T RECOGNIZE HIM.
WELL, HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST
FRIENDS.

WELL, HE'S ONE OF YOUR BEST
FRIENDS.
IT'S...

FRIENDS.
IT'S...
OH, NO!

IT'S...
OH, NO!
MR. SLUGGO.

OH, NO!
MR. SLUGGO.
OH, I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM.

MR. SLUGGO.
OH, I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM.
HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.

OH, I DON'T THINK I LIKE HIM.
HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.
NO, HE JUST WANTS TO COME

HE HURTS ME ALL THE TIME.
NO, HE JUST WANTS TO COME
OVER AND SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU,

NO, HE JUST WANTS TO COME
OVER AND SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU,
MR. BILL.

OVER AND SHAKE HANDS WITH YOU,
MR. BILL.
BUT, WAIT, WHAT'S THAT IN HIS

MR. BILL.
BUT, WAIT, WHAT'S THAT IN HIS
HAND?

BUT, WAIT, WHAT'S THAT IN HIS
HAND?
I DON'T... WHAT IS THAT?

HAND?
I DON'T... WHAT IS THAT?
OH, NOTHING.

I DON'T... WHAT IS THAT?
OH, NOTHING.
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!

OH, NOTHING.
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
OHHHHH!

OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
OHHHHH!
OH, MR. BILL, OH, IT MUST

OHHHHH!
OH, MR. BILL, OH, IT MUST
HAVE SLIPPED.

OH, MR. BILL, OH, IT MUST
HAVE SLIPPED.
HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

HAVE SLIPPED.
HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
LET THE DOCTOR TAKE A LOOK AT

HE DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
LET THE DOCTOR TAKE A LOOK AT
IT.

LET THE DOCTOR TAKE A LOOK AT
IT.
I DON'T THINK HE'S A DOCTOR.

IT.
I DON'T THINK HE'S A DOCTOR.
WHO IS THAT?

I DON'T THINK HE'S A DOCTOR.
WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S DR. SLUGGO.

WHO IS THAT?
THAT'S DR. SLUGGO.
HE ISN'T A DOCTOR.

THAT'S DR. SLUGGO.
HE ISN'T A DOCTOR.
MY LEG'S FINE.

HE ISN'T A DOCTOR.
MY LEG'S FINE.
SURE, HE IS.

MY LEG'S FINE.
SURE, HE IS.
LET HIM TAKE A LOOK AT IT.

SURE, HE IS.
LET HIM TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.

LET HIM TAKE A LOOK AT IT.
OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO, REALLY.

OH, NO, IT'S OKAY.
NO, REALLY.
OH, HE SAYS IT HAS TO BE

NO, REALLY.
OH, HE SAYS IT HAS TO BE
AMPUTATED, MR. BILL.

OH, HE SAYS IT HAS TO BE
AMPUTATED, MR. BILL.
OH! OH! OH! OH!

AMPUTATED, MR. BILL.
OH! OH! OH! OH!
OH, PLEASE, IT FEELS GREAT.

OH! OH! OH! OH!
OH, PLEASE, IT FEELS GREAT.
REALLY, IT DOESN'T HURT.

OH, PLEASE, IT FEELS GREAT.
REALLY, IT DOESN'T HURT.
LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR.

REALLY, IT DOESN'T HURT.
LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR.
OH, NO!

LISTEN TO THE DOCTOR.
OH, NO!
NO, NO, BUT IT'S OKAY.

OH, NO!
NO, NO, BUT IT'S OKAY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!

NO, NO, BUT IT'S OKAY.
WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
OH, OH, OH, OHHHHHH!

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT!
OH, OH, OH, OHHHHHH!
MR. BILL, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?

OH, OH, OH, OHHHHHH!
MR. BILL, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
OH, MY LEG!

MR. BILL, HOW DOES THAT FEEL?
OH, MY LEG!
I DON'T THINK I CAN WALK

OH, MY LEG!
I DON'T THINK I CAN WALK
ANYMORE.

I DON'T THINK I CAN WALK
ANYMORE.
GO AHEAD.

ANYMORE.
GO AHEAD.
TRY STANDING UP, MR. BILL.

GO AHEAD.
TRY STANDING UP, MR. BILL.
NO, NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.

TRY STANDING UP, MR. BILL.
NO, NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
TRY STANDING UP.

NO, NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
TRY STANDING UP.
NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.

TRY STANDING UP.
NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
OH, THE KNIFE!

NO, I DON'T THINK I CAN.
OH, THE KNIFE!
OH!

OH, THE KNIFE!
OH!
OH, MR. BILL.

OH!
OH, MR. BILL.
MR. BILL'S GOING ON A DEEP-SEA

OH, MR. BILL.
MR. BILL'S GOING ON A DEEP-SEA
ADVENTURE NOW.

MR. BILL'S GOING ON A DEEP-SEA
ADVENTURE NOW.
BUT I CAN'T SWIM.

ADVENTURE NOW.
BUT I CAN'T SWIM.
STAY POSITIVE.

BUT I CAN'T SWIM.
STAY POSITIVE.
WANT TO COME UP, MR. BILL?

STAY POSITIVE.
WANT TO COME UP, MR. BILL?
[COUGHING]

WANT TO COME UP, MR. BILL?
[COUGHING]
OH!

[COUGHING]
OH!
BETTER BRUSH YOUR TEETH,

OH!
BETTER BRUSH YOUR TEETH,
MR. BILL.

BETTER BRUSH YOUR TEETH,
MR. BILL.
I DON'T DO THAT TOO WELL.

MR. BILL.
I DON'T DO THAT TOO WELL.
HERE, LET'S BRUSH YOUR TEETH

I DON'T DO THAT TOO WELL.
HERE, LET'S BRUSH YOUR TEETH
RIGHT NOW.

HERE, LET'S BRUSH YOUR TEETH
RIGHT NOW.
BUT I CAN'T... OH!

RIGHT NOW.
BUT I CAN'T... OH!
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!

BUT I CAN'T... OH!
OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
[MUFFLED CRIES]

OH! OH! OH! OH! OH!
[MUFFLED CRIES]
CLEAN YOUR BREATH, TOO.

[MUFFLED CRIES]
CLEAN YOUR BREATH, TOO.
[MUFFLED CRIES]

CLEAN YOUR BREATH, TOO.
[MUFFLED CRIES]
OH, MR. BILL.

[MUFFLED CRIES]
OH, MR. BILL.
MR. BILL'S GOING ON A SKYDIVING

OH, MR. BILL.
MR. BILL'S GOING ON A SKYDIVING
ADVENTURE.

MR. BILL'S GOING ON A SKYDIVING
ADVENTURE.
[MUFFLED CRIES]

ADVENTURE.
[MUFFLED CRIES]
OH, IT'S OKAY.

[MUFFLED CRIES]
OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'LL MAKE YOU A PARACHUTE.

OH, IT'S OKAY.
I'LL MAKE YOU A PARACHUTE.
[MUFFLED CRIES]

I'LL MAKE YOU A PARACHUTE.
[MUFFLED CRIES]
HERE, TRY IT, MR. BILL.

[MUFFLED CRIES]
HERE, TRY IT, MR. BILL.
READY?

HERE, TRY IT, MR. BILL.
READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.

READY?
ONE, TWO, THREE.
OH, MR. BILL.

ONE, TWO, THREE.
OH, MR. BILL.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]

OH, MR. BILL.
[SPEAKING INDISTINCTLY]
[APPLAUSE]

Announcer: IF YOU HAVE A

SUPER 8 OR 16-MILLIMETER HOME

MOVIE, SEND IT TO...

AND INCLUDE YOUR NAME AND

CORRECT ADDRESS.

THERE WILL BE NO MONETARY

COMPENSATION AT ALL.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

DO YOU, BETTY, TAKE CAROLE TO
BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.

BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
DO YOU, CAROLE, TAKE BETTY TO

I DO.
DO YOU, CAROLE, TAKE BETTY TO
BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?

DO YOU, CAROLE, TAKE BETTY TO
BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.

BE YOUR LAWFUL WEDDED WIFE?
I DO.
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE AND

I DO.
I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE AND
WIFE.

I NOW PRONOUNCE YOU WIFE AND
WIFE.
YOU MAY KISS THE BRIDE.

Announcer: NOW THE

NEVER-BEFORE-TOLD STORY OF

GRABLE AND LOMBARD.

[CHEERS AND APPLAUSE]

GOOD NIGHT!

Announcer: NEXT WEEK WATCH

NBC's "WEEKEND."

TWO WEEKS FROM TONIGHT, OUR

SATURDAY NIGHT HOST WILL BE

ANTHONY PERKINS WITH LEGENDARY

MUSICAL GUEST DIANE KEATON.

AND OUR ANNOUNCER WILL STILL

SOUND LIKE DON PARDO.

WE ALL DO.

GOOD NIGHT.