Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 11 - Peter Cook & Dudley Moore/Neil Sedaka - full transcript

Hey, diary.

So, this week, it's time
to update my vision board,

which is right here.

These are all the things

that I'm trying to make
come true in my life,

like winning
Lady Lawyer of the Year,

me owning two pygmy goats.

Hmm!

This one here represents
my dream trip into space.

That is one beautiful cockpit.

But, diary, unfortunately,



some things need to be removed
from the board

because now comes
the hardest part.

Diary, I have to stop dreaming
of a life with Richard Royce. Okay?

Richard and I
are never getting married

because he's with Kendall,

and I really wish them
all the best.

No, I do.

Maybe I could marry Richard
in my next life

when we're both dolphins.

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ I'm having such a good time ♪
♪ Good time ♪

♪ I'm having a ball ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪

♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪



♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Super fun wild night ♪

New York is the greatest city
in the world.

I never get tired of the energy.

Everyone is going somewhere.

Yeah, like that hobo.

He's going in those bushes.

Whoa, way to spray those nitrites.

Wait.

Is that... That's James.

James James?

The guy you went out with
and kind of liked,

but he was afraid
you were too into Richard,

so he just left you at the
doormat with a giant banana?

Yes.

Oh, it's too bad you blew it.

James is a prime cut of tenderloin,

and you treated him
like a flank steak.

I've been getting
my butcher's license online.

Look. At the time,
I thought I still liked Richard.

But now, I...

Wait here. I'll be back.

James?

Hey! Kimmie!

Hi. How are you?

Good. I'm really good.
How are you?

- Yeah, you look great.
- Thank you.

I've been... You know, I've been
working out a little bit.

I don't know what that is.

So, you're just here
fondling vegetables?

Yeah. I am.

I was... Yeah,
I was buying some parsnips.

They're a very versatile root,
you know?

You can fry them, bake them,
mash them, dice them.

Oh, so, they're just like candy bars.

They're exactly like candy bars.

Uh, we should...
We should go out again.

Yea... Well...

I mean, what about, uh...

What about you and Richard, though?
I mean, just last time...

Oh, no. Trust me.
I'm so over Richard.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

We should talk about it over dinner

or not talk about it
'cause there's nothing to talk about.

Yeah, so... So, what?

You're... You're asking me out
on a dinner date?

Ye... Uh...y-yeah.

Uh, well, I'm asking you

to a dinner party
at my house tomorrow night

with some other people.

It's gonna be really great.
I'm cooking.

Yeah, I'm... That sounds fun.
I'd love to.

Maybe I can get some pointers
for the restaurant.

Oh, my God. That's right.
You're a professional chef.

Oh.

And now I'll be cooking for you!

Yay!

Yeah.

But we've never had
a dinner party before, Kimmie.

And we only have four spoons.

I know! It's a dangerous idea.

But for the first time
in my life, I feel alive!

Yeah.

So, now that we have the patents
from Washington,

the busan plant
can open as scheduled.

Gamsahabnida.

Gamsahabnida.

Tough crowd.

Did you hear my Korean there?
Crushed it.

Very impressive.
Where did you learn that?

University of Korean Barbecue Truck.

Kendall's dragging me along

to another one of her
fundraising events.

That's great.

Black tie, of course.
The only difference

between one of those
fundraising events and a funeral

is at a funeral,
the corpses don't walk around.

I just wish she was happy
staying in now and again,

but she always wants
to go to these things.

Well, that's a good idea.

Yeah. On a more serious note,

the doctors diagnosed me with
a terminal case of disco fever.

I only have two weeks left
to dance.

Richard, uh, sorry.
I'm so busy.

Can we talk about this later?

Sure. I mean,
I was just gonna say that any...

Mm.

Okay.

Sorry. Do you charge $1,600
to cater dinner?

I... Yeah, I just can't quite
understand you

with your speech impediment.

Did you...

Ugh!

Guys, I got nothing.

That's it. The dinner's off.
Get the rolodex of excuses.

I'm on it.

Okay.

What about... Ah!

Satellite degrades in orbit
and hits the apartment.

Mnh.

Uh, sudden case of shingles?

No, I already used that one

to get out
of cleaning the bathroom.

I knew
those weren't skin sores.

Wait.

What if I just did
the cooking myself?

I mean, how hard can it be
to make fancy food?

I got a molecular gastronomy kit
last year

for the seventh night
of Hanukkah.

We could bust that out.

And if you need a bartender,

I enjoy dabbling
in the lively art of libations.

And I could scintillate the guests
with some close-up magic.

- No magic.
- No magic.

Okay.

Perhaps with our powers combined,
we could impress James.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

But, remember, he's a chef.

So if this comes off
half-baked, I...

I don't know enough about cooking
to finish that metaphor.

Okay, K-Chef, first task...
Guest list.

Right. Okay.

So it will be a table for six.

Helen-Alice, Benji,
you'll be a couple.

- This is so sudden.
- Oh, my gosh.

I'm... Mm, weird.

And who else can I invite

to a sophisticated,
grown-up dinner party?

- Hello, bitches!
- Ow!

Jaz.

Wait. What's wrong with you?

- Nothing.
- We're just super drunk.

Jell-o shots!

Oh.

Kimmie, you invited Jazmine?

Well, I couldn't really think
of any other couples.

Marika said she really wanted
to be my dish pig.

Oh!

Ruby! What's on fire?!

The shorter way to answer that
is, what's not on fire?

Marika, get a fan!

Signature cocktail almost ready.

Aah! Bartender blind!
Bartender blind!

Okay, you need to suck it up,
beardo!

And pick up those limes!

This song's my jam!

- Whoo-hoo!
- No! No!

Guys, this is a grind-free area!

Oh, my gosh.
Don't ground my grind.

Guys, listen! Everybody!

This is a classy dinner party!

We're gonna be all class tonight!

- Uh, Kimmie?
- Primary problem...

There's a hole in the tablecloth.

Secondary problem...
We still have rats.

Okay, you guys get over there.

He's here!

Jaz!

Oh, James, it's you.

Come in.

Welcome.

Dan, there's a lot
of thirsty guests in here.

Chop, chop.

Your libations are served.

Each one is hand-stirred
with a different finger.

So, James, tell us about the new
restaurant you're working at.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, um, it's actually...
It's Thai-infused comfort food.

Yeah, so, we...
We serve things like,

uh, macaroni pad Thai,
fried chicken satay.

It's called, um, Siam-EZ.

A lot of people mistake it
for a brothel.

Uh, I was reading about
this cool restaurant in Tribeca.

You know how with kobe beef

how they massage the cow,
give them beer?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, this place puts pigs
in a hot tub

- and shows them "Risky Business."
- That's awesome.

And, on that note,

I will check in
on our sumptuous repast.

- Ooh.
- Thank you.

Page-a-day vocabulary calendar.

It's paying off.

You two are so cute together.

It's, like, you're so cute and runty
and he's so cute and sickly.

This thing works.

Yeah, how long have you two
been pounding meat parts?

What?!

Us?

- No, no, no.
- Come on, no.

I mean, if we were a couple,

would I be afraid
to look her in the eye?

Aah.

Speaking of couples,

hey,
where's that cute English guy

that Kimmie's got a crush on?!

Uh, Richard is just my friend,

and he's not coming
'cause he's not invited.

Cheers!

- Cheers!
- Cheers.

Ugh! What's in this?

It tastes like grain alcohol
and chardonnay.

Then my work here is done.

Thank you.

This is gonna be a fun night.

Yes, fun.

So, wait. What exactly
is this fundraiser for?

Inner-city youth arts program.

No, wait.
Inner-city youth music program.

Or is it inner-city youth sports?

I don't know. It's something to do
with the inner-city youth.

The one thing I am clear on
is that they're needy.

Andrew!
Where have you been?

Are you sure we're not making meth?

So, James,
you just got back from Rome.

That's right.

Yeah. The locals call it
"The Eternal City."

I'd love to go to Europe,
but I'm afraid of plane crashes.

Yeah,
she's really fun to travel with.

I read about this crash

that took 45 seconds
to hit the ground.

Have you ever counted to 45

while imagining the sheer terror
of plummeting to your death?

No. Have you?

All the time!

Has anyone ever done it
in an airplane bathroom?

- Oh! We have.
- Yeah.

So hot.

Wiped down the surfaces

as a courtesy
to the next passenger.

Am I right? Huh?

Get up there!

Ladies and gentlemen,

get your taste buds ready

for the excitement that is
food mixed with science.

I present to you culinary foam.

Oh.

Uh...

- Maybe you need to shake it up.
- Yeah.

Culinary foam!

- Oh.
- Oh!

Fresh pepper?

Thank you.

Uh...

Oh, this was the only thing
that we made.

So I'm sorry.

I can see it's not edible.

It is pretty gross.

Kimmie, I mean,
don't worry about it.

I can whip something else up
real quick.

I mean, I might need
a cooking assistant to help me.

Yeah. Step aside, Kimmie.
We got this.

Uh, Ruby, I think he means me.

You do mean me, right?

Yeah, I... I meant her.

Hey. There you are.

What's the matter with you?

I haven't seen
you look this unhappy

since you realized that rugby shirt
I got you was a men's petite.

I told you I don't like
events like this.

This is a particularly bad one.

I'd say on a scale of 1 to 10,
this is a definite no.

But, Richard,
networking is a part of our job.

Oh, come on.

Don't be such a fussy face.

It doesn't have to be tedious.

There's plenty
of interesting people here.

Like who?

Well, I don't know.

Uh, let's see.

Oh, look.

There's Senator Fletcher
and his wife, Patricia.

Hi. Wave.

I don't want to speak to them.
They're horrible.

He's screwing the maid,
and she's screwing the butler.

Yeah, and have you been
to their house? It's filthy.

Come on. Let's leave.

And go where?

I don't know. Home?

And do what?

Stay in? Watch a movie?

Have some friends 'round?

Whatever it is
that normal people do.

We can't do that, Richard.

Normal people stay in
for a reason.

They're not as attractive
as we are.

Oh.

So, was this all
just an elaborate trick

to get me to cook you dinner?

Yes.

And you're the big,
handsome cooking bear

that walked right into my trap.

Oh.

You know, I was thinking that,
uh, you could repay me sometime.

You know, come over to my place,
sue my roommate.

Um, can I help with anything?

Yeah. Yeah. Of course.

You know what?
I was gonna do a mirepoix.

I can show you how to do that.

Isn't that what Harry Potter rides
in the Chamber of Secrets?

Okay, you need to not do that

'cause I have a knife.

I don't want to shank you.

- Whoa. Okay.
- There it is. Safety first.

No, mirepoix... Really easy.

It's just carrots, celery,
and onions, so...

All the things I pick out
of my chicken pot pie.

- Yeah, me too.
- Yeah.

All right. And here we go.

There we go.
Think you can do that?

Yeah.

I just need to channel
my hatred of vegetables,

which is easy 'cause
it's right on the surface.

Is it? It's right there.

Aah!

Okay. Okay.

You seriously need to be careful.
I'm not joking.

- Okay.
- Can I show you how to do it?

- Yeah, okay.
- Okay.

First off, please, please, please,

tuck your fingers in
and your thumb.

I don't want you to cut those off.

- All right?
- Okay.

Now, I'm going to just go in here

and we're just gonna guide,
and glide it through.

You got it.

This would be really good practice

if we ever have
to ride a motorcycle together.

I... I was just
thinking the same thing.

You know, we might rob a bank.

We need a fast getaway, so...

Yeah, I didn't want to snuff
that teller,

but that bitch went for the alarm!

- You are so violent.
- Oh, sorry.

You are so violent.

Oh, God. Those jell-o shots
are coming up.

I need a sink or a toilet
or a pillowcase or...

Wait! Not in my purse again!

Richard.

Where are you going?
We only just got here.

Oh, and by the way,

this fundraiser is for
inner-city youth music.

- This isn't working.
- Yeah, I know.

Have you heard the band?
Stinko.

No, I'm talking about me and you.

This. Us. Here.

Feel free to interrupt me
at any point.

Well, I don't know
what you're saying.

I just don't know
if I want to be this kind of couple.

What?
What does that even mean?

I don't know. I'm confused.

Just sometimes I feel the only
thing we've got in common

is relatively decent abs.

Richard, that is not true.

We have spectacular abs!

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner 2.0 is served.

Now with shape and mass.

Yay!

Hold on.
This came out of our kitchen?

I thought our oven was only good
for drying socks.

Mmm, if there's no nuts, gluten,
dairy, eggs, or soy in this,

I'm gonna love it.

Guys, to Kimmie.

Congratulations.
You pulled this dinner party off.

And to James for the assist.

James may not wear
a white mushroom hat,

but he's got
a white mushroom heart.

Don't know what Dan's putting
in these cocktails,

but I think I need to sit down.

Uh, hi. I'm Dan,

and my secret ingredient is...
a shot of cold medicine.

Nice.

Hey. You're so quiet.
Is everything okay?

Oh, yeah. I'm... I'm great.

I'm just...happy.

Oh, I'll answer the door.

I mean,
it's not like anybody needs me

to do some close-up magic, right?

Hello.

Oh, uh, I'm sorry.

Richard?
What are you doing here?

Oh, well, um,
I just came in to, uh...

to talk with you, actually,
but, um, that's fine.

You're busy. So...yeah.

Hi, James.

Hey, Richard.

Oh, my God.
This is really awkward.

Baby, isn't that that guy

that we're not supposed
to talk about?

Shh. We're not supposed
to talk about him.

Right. Well, um...

Note to self, must phone ahead.

Didn't do that. Stupid me.

Um, okay.

Well, enjoy the rest of your evening.
Sorry.

I knew I'd find you here.

I was just thinking,
"This couldn't get any worse,"

- and it totally just got worse.
- Yeah.

You know, this might be a good time
to escape into the world of illusion.

- No magic!
- No magic!

Kendall, what are you doing here?

I was looking for you,
so I came here

because every time
you and I have a problem,

you go running straight to Boubier.

That's not true.

No, that's not true.

Why do you always do this?
Why can't you just talk to me?

Well, um, I try to talk to you,
but it always ends in a fight.

Listen.

I don't want to be rude,
but can you guys take this outside?

I just really
do not want to be involved.

Oh, I think it's a little late
for that, Kimmie.

You've been involved since
Richard and I got together

including the time that you
threw yourself at him

like a desperate maniac.

I'm sorry. I'm just trying
to follow along here.

- Which one is Richard?
- Uh, British dude, eyes like Thor.

You know what?

It doesn't matter anymore
because we're done, Richard.

This relationship is over.

Oh, wait! Hi!
Hey! Steve Rubyat.

I'm wondering if it's too early
to ask you out.

I'll call you. I'll call you.
It's fine.

Okay. Um, on that note,
I should definitely go.

Um...

Hope I haven't destroyed
the entire evening.

Kimmie, I'm very, very sorry.

Wait, James.

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm gonna get going, too.

You know, Kimmie, this is just...

It's just too complicated for me.

Nice meeting you guys.

Oh, this is terrible.

Now Kimmie's never gonna lose
her virginity.

Jazmine!

What? I-I whispered.

Everyone just heard you!

Can you hear me now?

- Yes!
- Yes!

Why are you leaving?

Oh, I don't know.

Maybe there's something
about that being

the worst dinner party I've ever
been to in my whole entire life

makes me not want to stay.

Look, James.

There's nothing going on
between Kimmie and I.

And if you've got any sense,
you'll go back in there.

Don't be a fool, Jimmy.

She's worth it.

Well, Jason and Jazmine
are locked in my room doing it.

Sounds like they're punching
each other with something soft.

Easy does it.

We need this table

for our settlers of catan
tournament tomorrow.

Any scratch is gonna change
the fate of the dice.

Well, it sure was fun pretending
to be a couple tonight.

Yeah.

You know, if we were a real couple,
at the end of a dinner party...

Yeah, we'd probably kiss.

Have a classy dinner party.

Invite a few people over.

What could possibly go wrong?

Hmm.
I don't know, Kimmie.

Maybe just...

Uh, hi.

I, uh, had to come back
to clean my space.

It's kind of a chef's code.

Oh.

Now, before we begin,

if any of you have a heart condition,

please leave the room.

The thrill might
be more than you can take.

Now please, pick a card,
any card.

- Um...
- Yes. Good.

Okay. Now put it back in.

Anywhere in the deck.
Thank you.

Oh, is this the one where
you pretend to be shuffling

but you really put my card
at the bottom of the deck?

No.

It's not.

Oh, I'm sorry, Benji.

Do you have any other tricks?

Not really.

I mean, I can do this thing

where I make myself
disappear, but...

- I want to see that.
- Try it.

Well, okay, uh...

Safe to come back in?