Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Buck Henry/Bill Withers, Toni Basil - full transcript

Yo, yo, yo!

You will never guess
what's happening at work.

My favorite rapper,
Miss T Amour... Mm-hmm!...

She is coming in tomorrow.

And I'm in charge of the meeting!

[ Laughs ]

What, what?!

I know. It's perfect.

I used to rap when I was younger.

At first, it was only to study
for math tests.

♪ Okay, let's get
this Pythagorean Theorem right ♪



♪ "A" squared plus "B" squared ♪

♪ Equals "C" squared,
that's tight ♪

But eventually
I got so good at rapping,

I even had a rap name...
Li'l Big Kim.

If only I could take
the spirit of Li'l Big Kim

and combine her

with Kimmie Boubier,
Attorney at Law...

That woman would be unstoppable
because she would represent!

Legally.

♪ Don't stop me now ♪

♪ I'm having such a good time ♪
♪ Good time ♪

♪ I'm having a ball ♪
♪ Super fun night ♪

♪ Don't stop me now ♪
♪ 'Cause I'm havin' a good time ♪

♪ I don't want to stop at all ♪



♪ Super fun night ♪
♪ Super fun wild night ♪

So assuming Miss T's
record sales continue to climb,

we anticipate
the rest of her catalogue

to be in the tens of millions
of dollars as per annex "C."

As Miss T's manager,
uh, I need to say

that she is very distrustful
of lawyers.

I am very distrustful of lawyers.

And the fact that she
even agreed to this meeting

- is a miracle.
- It's a damn miracle that I'm here.

This woman grew up
with nothing,

and now she has
her own private jet.

I'm afraid to fly,

so I just sit in it and chill.

She chills.

I hear you.

I'm afraid to run on my treadmill,

so I just pack it
in the closet and chill.

[ Snaps fingers ]

You know? You feel that?

But as I was saying,

the track record of our firm
speaks for itself.

Our legal services
are second to none.

- We're all professionals here.
- Absolutely.

And I saw you on "Ellen"
the other day. What's she like?

Okay, let's cut through
the bull, okay?

Miss T, I understand why you
might not want to trust us.

But if you just give us a chance,

we will prove to you

that we will only put
your best interests first.

We're not like your song
"Super Bitch."

♪ Can't trust no one,
got my own back ♪

♪ All you fake-ass lawyers
are wika-wika-whack ♪

No. We are real-ass lawyers.

Yes, we are.

I like you, Kimmie.

Tell you what.

Why don't you come down tonight
to my concert at Revenue?

I'll hook you up, V.I.P.

Oh, my "G"!
I've never been more than a "P."

But, uh, then you'll
sign the contract?

Maybe.
[ Elevator bell dings ]

Then again, maybe I won't.
I'm mercurial as hell.

She's mercurial as hell.

Uh, yeah!
Super lawyer in the house!

- How did you pass the bar?
- Easily.

RICHARD:
Boubier, if you close this deal,

it'll be a major step up
in your career.

People will finally know you

for more than
just your Yoda impression.

[ As Yoda ]
Accurate, though it is.

KENDALL:
Great. Yeah.

That's just the kind of
negotiating skills we need

- on a sensitive case like this.
- Kendall, I can pull this off.

Unlike some people,
I am extremely street.

I know all the signs.

Ffsst!

- Sorry, what was that last one?
- East Side Parakeets.

Ah. Yeah.
We have a natural rivalry.

I'm with the Spider Boys.

[ Humming ]

- KENDALL: Amazing.
- [ Imitates gunshot ]

[ Sighs ]

Is something wrong, Kendall?

I just get a little tired of it,
Richard.

You and Kimmie
are like a summer-camp skit

that never ends.

That's just how we have fun.
She's my fun friend.

Yeah? And how would you like it
if I had a fun friend

that I was doing inside jokes
with all the time?

- I wouldn't mind at all.
- Oh, I think you would.

But it's lucky for you
I don't have any friends.

Except for Desdemona, my maid.

- But...I'm sick of her.
- Hem.

- What are we playing?
- Ladies! Get up!

We be clubbin', clubbin'.

Miss T invited us
to her show tonight.

It's no bigs.

I'm... I'm keeping cool about it.

[ Chuckles ]
Okay, it's bigs!

[ Gasps ]
This is bigger than bigs!

- This is massives!
- [ Chuckles ]

But we can't just go
and be vanilla eye candy.

Oh, but we're so good at that.

I have to get Miss T
to sign this contract.

Nobody at the firm
thinks I can do it.

But do you guys think I can do it?

- Absolutely.
- Y-yeah...

- Yeah, you're great.
- You can do that.

Hey. Did you know that Hip-Hop

is the combination
of two slang terms?

"Hip,"
used in African-American English

as early as 1898,
meaning "in the now,"

and "Hop,"
for the hopping movement.

You're not gonna say that
to anyone tonight, are you?

- It was a reach.
- Yeah.

All right, so how much
of this stuff do I use?

Oh, my mom usually keeps going
until the can clicks.

[ Rattles ]
Okay.

[ Coughs ]

[ Indistinct conversations ]

Oh. So sorry we're late.

Marika inhaled
a whole bunch of hair spray,

and she got really weird
for a few moments.

[ Chuckles ]
Funny story.

I actually thought these guys
were trying to kill me.

[ Laughs ]

KENDALL:
So funny.

Isn't it nice to be doing
something fun together?

Oh, I remember you.
You're the worst one.

Kimmie, if you have any moves,

- now is the time to bust them.
- KIMMIE: Yeah. This is it. Whoo!

The gladiator prepares
to go into the arena.

If she succeeds...
Eternal glory.

If she fails...
Hours of cat videos

and maple-syrup smoothies.

Kimmie, I don't want to put
any extra pressure on you,

but I don't believe in you,

and I think
you're gonna mess this up.

Kendall, I'm basically
a rapper at heart...

and a cat whisperer
and a ghost hunter.

But I-I'm mainly a rapper.

It slightly concerns me that
"lawyer" wasn't on that list.

But don't worry.
We'll just stick a pin in that.

Let us know the second
you get that signature

or the moment
your failure is complete.

Okay, you guys.

Don't pick up too many
strange men while I'm gone.

We won't!

Hey! What's up?!

V.I.P.!

Oh.
[ Chuckles ]

And I was all like,

"You want me to do a verse
on your album?

That's 100k."

And I was dead-ass serious.

[ Laughs ]
Yeah.

'Cause if you do a verse
for less than 100k...

Bitch, please!
[ Laughs ]

That's, like,
the price of a couplet.

[ Snaps fingers ]

What's up, Boo?

Oh. Nothing.

- What's up with you?
- Nothing.

Just up here admiring you
and reading my favorite book,

"100 Years of Solitude."

Magical realism, girl.
You know what I'm saying?

Maybe.

I just read
"The Hunger Games."

We should talk...

Later. Um, I just... Yeah.

Okay. Miss T,
I've actually brought you

the executed contract to sign.

Kimmie,
you're here to hang out, okay?

Because if you can hang,
then I know I can trust you,

and we can work together.

- Are you cool?
- Oh, I am cool.

Believe me.

I have a chronic circulation problem.

All right, then.

I just don't get a lot of blood flow
to the extremities.

I really hope
Kimmie can pull this off.

She does have charm.

And what she lacks in tact,
she more than makes up for

in unfounded confidence.

[ Italian accent ]
Ciao, Bella!

Marcello!
[ Laughs ]

- Mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah!
- Mwah! You made it!

- [ Laughs ]
- Mwah, mwah, mwah.

- Oh, hello.
- Friendly chap.

Richard,
this is my friend Marcello.

I invited him to come out tonight.

We met in a hot tub in Positano
a few summers ago.

Si. I sell wine. I spend money.
I make love. Marcello.

[ Italian accent ] I like pizza.
I like procedural crime dramas.

[ Normal voice ] I don't know why
I'm speaking in an Italian accent.

- Uh, Richard.
- Si.

Hey, do you remember

when we snuck onto
that nude beach in Sardinia?

Oh, I can still feel the sun
kissing our perfect bodies.

[ Both laugh ]

[ Laughter ]

Oh! Marcello is so much fun.

- Si, si.
- Richard and I think

it is so important to spend time
with our fun friends.

- Si, si.
- Don't we, Richard?

Well, I think "fun"
is a very loaded term.

But, uh, yeah, you have fun.

- Love this.
- You're undressing him now.

That's good. Very good.

Well, here we are...
being cool.

Yeah.

Being in a hip-hop club
is a lot more tiring

than I thought it would be.

I should have brought
that fold-up chair I use

when I go trout fishing.

We got to get into the game.

- Really?
- Yeah.

They're moving away.

Dance after them!

[ Both laugh ]

Oh, she make a big boom
with her pelvis, yeah?

Marcello, you're so clever.

- Oh, no, please.
- Is it clever?

Maybe I'm missing something...
like the cleverness.

We must have wine, huh?

Big party time.
So crazy, huh? Okay.

[ Sighs ]

Isn't this great?

Watching me joke around
with my fun friend?

I hope you don't feel excluded.

I would so hate that.

Okay, Kendall.
You've made your point.

Boubier and I do tend
to get carried away sometimes,

and I'm sorry
if we made you feel left out.

Well, I'm glad
I proved my point,

although the cure may be worse
than the disease.

- Hip-Hop make-a me horny!
- That accent's not real.

Unfortunately, it is.
But I hear what you're saying.

It's like some awful impression
Boubier would do.

[ Laughter ]

[ As Fat Albert ] Hey, hey, hey.
It's Fat Kimmie!

♪ And I'm gonna sing
a song for you ♪

[ Laughter ]

Girl, you the sexiest thing
I ever seen in my life!

There ain't no doubt!

A-Antwan, we only just met.

You driving me crazy, Boo.
Real crazy.

Where you from, Kimmie?

Upper Tonawanda in New York.

It's kind of like
your hometown of Detroit,

except instead of Motown,
we have Moo Town...

Museum of Livestock History.

Great cafeteria.

How'd you get into rap?

[ Chuckles ]
Well...

I just kind of started
freestyling when I was younger.

Called myself "Li'l Big Kim."

I think that's why black guys
really like me.

That ain't why.
That ain't why.

TF:
Look what I got!

- Swag bag.
- Swag bag!

Oh! But, wait,
look what I have...

A contract that's ready to sign.

Who wants a hat?

Oh, no.
[ Chuckles ]

I don't really wear hats.

Kind of feels like my hair
is in prison.

Cute as hell.

Mm-mm!

Oh. I know who want this.

[ Laughs ]

My glass menagerie is complete!

Almost.

So, there we are, looking sexy,

and we were in Amalfi,
and we stop for a gelato.

And I called her
a funny name, right?

"Pistachio."

And I called her this because...

I'm nuts.

You are nuts, Pistachio!
[ Laughs ]

Tonight,
we stay up to the sun, huh?

Well, actually, uh,

Pistachio and I have work
in the morning so...

[ Laughs ]
I love this guy.

Come. We boogie, huh?

Uh, well, I don't really
want to boogie but...

No, come on.
Come on.

[ Ringing ]

Kimmie, what the hell
is going on up there?

Did you get Miss T to sign?

You're not getting sidetracked,
are you?

No, I am making progress.

I'm currently holding a chalice.

So you haven't done it yet.

Great. I wish I could say
I'm surprised.

We're coming up.
Clearly, you need to be rescued.

- No, I can do this!
- Then do it!

You have really bad
phone etiquette.

Hurry.

I got rid of Marcello
by teaching him to do this.

Quick!
We don't have much time.

I wish it were that easy.

He's like a tapeworm.
Once he's attached himself,

the only option is to find him
a new host to latch on to.

Hey! My friends, huh?

[ Laughs ]

Thank you for teaching me
that dance.

I love it.

Kimmie,
give me some financial advice.

Should I diversify
in stocks and bonds

or buy a Wolf?

Okay... There is definitely
a right answer to that,

and I will give it to you
after you sign this contract.

Girl, we'll worry about that later.

We got a show in Philly tomorrow.

We'll get on the bus,
order some cheesesteaks,

and talk it over then.

Oh, cheesesteaks
are my favorite bus food.

But, Miss T,
you really need to sign this.

This can't wait.

Please, I'm just trying
to help you.

- Nah, you trying to help yourself.
- Oh!

Man, I thought you was different,
but I knew you couldn't hang.

Oh, yes, I can.
Look, I am so good at hanging.

Nah, nah, nah.

You just another punk-ass lawyer.

You know what?
You're done.

- Get out.
- No, Miss T, please.

[ Chuckling ] I don't...
I don't need to leave.

Like, w-why do I need to...

Listen, please,
do not invade my personal space.

Or I am warning you...
I will unleash a fist volcano.

[ Exhales sharply ]

That's what I thought.

Okay.

[ Screaming ]

Okay, guys,

one day, it might be you trying
to get into the V.I.P. room,

and I'll be the security.

I have a brain
like a pissed-off elephant.

And guess what...
I will remember this moment.

Okay, fine.
You've made your choice.

[ Gasps ]
Antwan!

It's me... Your Boo...
Boo-Boo...Boo?

You know I ain't supposed to be
talking to you, shorty.

Look, I know Miss T
is super mad at me,

and while it's kind of thrilling
to be in my first real rap beef,

I really have to get
back in there and fix this.

And you're the only one
that can help me.

Boo, come on.
Don't do this to me.

I'm just an English major

that realized
I like punching people.

You're so complex, Antwan.

Who am I kidding?

I'm a bodyguard,

but nothing can guard my heart
against this body!

I'll help you, girl.

I got your back, sweetness.

Move.

After you, sweetness.

I forgive you.

Hi. I'm an actuary.

Do any of you work
in the risk-assessment industry?

Got this scar
from the business end

of a pissed-off rattlesnake
back in '04.

Best Easter ever.

No.

Marika, it's not working.

We're saying all these
crazy, sexy, cool things,

and they don't want to talk
to us.

Maybe it's time to raise
the white flag.

Even bear grylls couldn't
teach me how to survive

in this environment.
Let's go.

- Hey, you two!
- Hey.

Are you guys leaving?

You haven't met our friend
Marcello!

Marcello,
we would like to introduce you

to two of our coolest friends,
Helen-Alice and Marika.

I'm Hel...

Three names
but only two ladies.

I love New York.

Mwah. Mwah.

- Ooh!
- Ooh!

Ladies, tonight,
we make memories forever, huh?

I love memories!

I'm a scrapbooker.

- I call her "Little Scrappy."
- Ah.

She calls me "Big Scrappy,"

but that's 'cause
I real like scrap metal.

- You'll catch up!
- I love it. I love it.

Now back away slowly.

Don't be stingy
with that hair spray.

You ain't got to pay it forward.
Go until it clicks.

I thought I kicked you out.

Antwan let me back in.

Damn it, Antwan.

You and your big-ass heart.

It wants what it wants.

Look, I'm so sorry, Miss T,

but I just can't let this go.

You need a lawyer
who will fight for you,

even if that means I have
to actually fight with you.

You got some guts,
Kimmie Boubier.

Take a lot of damn nerve
to come up in here

and say something like that.

Well, I'm more than just a lawyer.
I-I really want you to know that.

I'm a gladiator...

and a ghost hunter.

Although, that doesn't really
apply here.

Wait...

- No.
- [ Chuckles ]

You don't give up, do you, Kimmie?

That's what you and I
really got in common.

Oh, well, that and the fact that
we both believe in mermaids.

Girl, they are real.

- And they mad about pollution.
- Yeah!

There ain't no scientific
evidence to support that.

- Shut up, Antwan!
- Shut up, Antwan!

Give me that contract.

Good job, Kimmie.

This is a big contract
for both of us.

I can't wait to tell
the partners about it.

RICHARD:
Who knows, Kendall?

Maybe one day,
you'll work for Kimmie. [ Gasps ]

Yeah, Kendall.
[ Chuckles ]

Go get me some coffee.

Kendall, make a copy.

Kendall, no, come back here.
Take this down.

Um, "Dear Kendall, you're fired."

[ Chuckles ]

Well, Kimmie,
you are one in a million.

Good job.

Boom.

Ooh. You're doing
a thing there with the...

- Mm, ehh.
- Ah.

- I'm British. Forget about it.
- Okay.

Oh, goodbye, Antwan.

Thank you so much
for all your help.

I want to give you something, Boo.

That's my favorite book.

And my favorite passage
in that book...

"He dug so deeply
into her sentiments

"that in search of interest
he found love,

"because by trying to make her
love him,

he ended up
falling in love with her."

Thanks.
[ Chuckles ]

[ Sighs ]

"May the odds
be ever in your favor."

It's from "Hunger Games."

I'll send you the DVD.

And I'll buy me a DVD player.

Hm.

♪ Everything I do
is to the extreme ♪

♪ Everything I do
is to the extreme ♪

♪ Real fly girls
know what I mean ♪

♪ Real fly girls
know what I mean ♪

♪ Everything I do
is to the extreme ♪

Hip-Hop make-a me horny!

♪ Real fly girls
know what I mean ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

All right, New York!
[ Laughs ]

Right here!

I want to bring up a special guest.

Y'all show some love
for Li'l Big Kim!

[ Cheers and applause ]

Whoo!

Come on, girl.
You said you could rap.

Yeah, but, um...

I-I can't do this.

I only rap math.

Of course you can.

Girl, just freestyle.
Upper Tonawanda style.

Let's get this right.

Fractions, fractions.

Uh...Yeah.

♪ All you twig bitches
just a fraction of me ♪

♪ I'm Li'l Big Kim,
want the world to see ♪

♪ That bigger is better,
and I'm the proof ♪

♪ Show me a skinny white girl
who can raise this roof ♪

♪ Used to be the girl
who never gets the guy ♪

♪ Nobody wanted a taste
of my cherry pie ♪

♪ But I got off my ass
and made it an asset ♪

♪ Now I'm living life large
with no regret ♪

♪ Don't give a damn what
you think about my silhouette ♪

♪ I'm sweet and soft
like a fresh biscuit ♪

♪ Shake it till I make it,
I'm a lawyer by day ♪

♪ But at night I'm a queen,
yippie-yippie-ki-yay ♪

♪ Word to your mama ♪

[ Cheers and applause ]

HELEN-ALICE:
Mathematical speed, you see?

That's why they call me
"Top Gun"...

because I work
in a "risky business."

See?

They're both Tom Cruise movies
and an actuarial pun.

Oh, no. Look like the club
is closing, huh?

We go home now...
Separate home.

Or let me throw this at you...

24-hour all-you-can-eat
Chinese buffet café.

Let's keep this party rolling.

Whoo-whoo!

Ladies, ladies,
Marcello is so tired, huh?

- Perhaps a different time, huh?
- Come on, Marcello!

I thought we were gonna make
forever memories.

Si, si.
And Marcello has them now. [ Laughs ]

Okay, so, good night.
Buona sera.

Ohh, I love this guy!

[ Italian accent ]
Come! We boogie!