Saturday Night Live (1975–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Saturday Night Live: George Carlin/Billy Preston/Janis Ian - full transcript
The host for the episode is George Carlin, and the musical guests are Billy Preston and Janis Ian. The skits for this episode are as follows: an ESL teacher gives increasingly bizarre sentences to his student, who repeats his every word; until the teacher suffers a fatal heart attack, and the student dutifully acts out an identical "death". New Dad Insurance offers bereaved families a new father to take the place of their deceased one. A distraught rape victim in a courtroom describes the attacker's words in writing, which then confuses an inattentive jurist. Andy Kaufman sings along with a Mighty Mouse record. A reporter interviews the victim of a shark bite who, despite his claims to the contrary, obviously still has all his limbs. Two men, claiming to be a married couple, discuss the benefits of a new vitamin product called Jamitol. A mock ad for pain-reliever Triopenin plays up the product's child-proof caps. Albert Brooks presents a documentary titled "The Impossible Truth," in which he presents several shocking news stories. In the maternity ward of a hospital for bees, father bees anxiously wait to find out if their children will be drones or workers. The Academy of Better Careers offers people an exciting new life answering telephones. Valri Bromfield presents a monologue as a volleyball coach giving some very personal advice to her players before a game. In a mock commercial parodying Lark cigarettes, a truck rolls through town asking people to show their guns. A home security system installer breaks into a couple's home and scares them to death to demonstrate how much they need an alarm installed. Finally, another mock commercial presents 3-bladed razors as an absolute household necessity. During the show, George Carlin performs monologues on blue food, religion, baseball vs. football, and other observations. During the Weekend Update, Chevy Chase reports about President Ford blowing his nose and Emperor Hirohito visiting Disneyland. Billy Preston performs "Nothing from Nothing" and "Fancy Lady," while Janis Ian performs "At Seventeen" and "In the Winter".
- Good evening.
- Good eveniee.
Good evening.
Good...
eveniee.
Good...
Good eveniee.
Let us begin.
Repeat after me.
- I would like...
- I would like...
- ...to feed your fingertips...
- ...to feed yur fingerteeps...
- ...to the wolverines.
- ...to de wolver-eenes.
Next,
- I am afraid...
- I em afred...
- ...we are out...
- ...we are out...
- ...of badgers.
- ...of badjurs.
- Would you accept...
- Would you accept...
- ...a wolverine...
- ...a wolver-eene...
- ...in it's place?
- ...een es place.
Next,
"Hey," Ned exclaimed...
"Hey," Ned asclaimed...
- "let's boil...
- "let's boil...
- ...the wolverines."
- ...the wolver-eenes."
Next...
Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!
NBC's Saturday Nights,
starring George Carlin
with Janis Ian
and Billy Preston.
A film by Albert Brooks.
Jim Henson's Muppets,
The Not For Ready
Prime Time Players,
and comedians,
Valri Bromfield,
Andy Kaufman.
Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin!
Talk about a live show!
It's nice to see you,
welcome,
and thanks for
joining us - live.
I'm kinda glad that
we're on at night,
so that we're not competing with
all the football and baseball games.
So many, man...
All the time.
And this is the time of year
when there's both, you know?
Football's kinda nice,
they changed it a little bit,
they moved the hash marks in.
Guys found it and
smoked them, anyway!
But you know, football
wants to be the No. 1 sport,
the national pasttime.
And I think it already is,
because football represents
something we are,
we are Europe, Jr.
When you get right down to it,
we're Europe, Jr.
We play a Eurpe game.
What was the Europe game?
"Let's take their land
away from them!
You'll be the pink, on up; we'll
be blue, the red and the green!"
Ground acquisition.
And that's what football is,
football's a ground
acquisition game.
You knock the crap out of 11 guys
and take their land away from them.
Of course, we only do it
ten yards at a time.
That's the way
we did it with the Indians,
we won it little by little.
First down in Ohio.
Midwest to go!
I think it's not surprising that
the football advise and...
Let's put it this way,
there are things about
the words surrounding
football and baseball,
which give it all away.
Football is
technological,
baseball is
pastoral.
Football is
played in a stadium,
baseball is
played in the park.
In football, you wear a helmet,
in baseball,
you wear a cap.
Football is played
on an enclosed,
rectangular grid and
every one of them
is the same size,
baseball is played on
an ever-widening angle
that reaches to inifinity
and every park is different!
Football is rigidly timed,
baseball has
no time limit,
we don't know
when it's gonna end!
We might even
have extra innings!
In football,
you get a penalty,
in baseball, you make
an error, whoops!
The object in football is
to march downfield and
penetrate enemy territory,
and get into
the end zone,
in baseball,
the object is to go home!
"I'm going home!"
And, in football, they have
the clip, the hit, the block,
the tackle, the blitz, the bomb,
the offense and the defense,
in baseball,
they have...
the sacrifice.
Honey, I'm home!
- Daddy! Daddy!
- Hey, pal!
How are you doing?
You have a lovely home,
a good job,
solid investments,
a wonderful family...
everything you need
for the future,
or is it?
What if you were
suddenly out of the picture?
Should tragedy strike,
what would happen to them?
Sure, you've provided
for them financially,
but what about their
emotional and physical needs?
- Honey, I'm home!
- Daddy!
Yes, it's "New Dad!"
a radically new concept
in family insurance coverage.
Within seconds after
"Old Dad" is out,
we'll have "New Dad"
in there to take his place.
Is your family
completely covered?
Not just financially,
but in every way?
Why not call your local
independent insurance agent today,
and ask him about
our "New Dad" policy,
before it's too late.
That's "New Dad",
the only insurance that
covers all of their needs.
"New Dad",
Tops In Pops.
And now, Billy Preston,
with "Nothing From Nothing!"
Now I must have
order please or
I'll be forced to
clear this courtroom.
Ms. Davis,
could you kindly tell
the court in your own words
what the defendent
allegedly said to you
when he pulled you
into the alleyway?
He said,
"Hey, baby,
h-how'd you like to, uh..."
I can't, I ...
Now, please, Ms. Davis.
I know this is very
difficult for you
but this is extremely
important evidence.
He said
"h-how'd you like to, uh..."
- Don't make me say it...
- Objection.
The witness is
not on trial here.
Now obviously what he said was
too upsetting for her to repeat.
Objection.
Heresay.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now since this evidence is
so extremely important,
perhaps Ms. Davis
might write down
the defendent's remarks
on a piece of paper.
And now,
here's Andy Kaufman!
Mister Trouble
never hangs around
When he hears
this Mighty sound:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
Yes sir, when there is
a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse will
join the fight.
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation
well in hand.
So though we are in danger,
we never despair
'Cause we know that where
there's danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land!
On the sea! In the air!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin'
for his call:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin'
for his call:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
How many of you have
heard this in your home,
"Where's the
good scissors?
I can't keep anything
nice in this house."
Here's another thing you hear
at home, mostly guys say this,
"Hey, who stole
my underwear!
Somebody stole
my underwear!"
"Which one?"
"This week's underwear."
Do you ever look at
the crowds in old movies
and wonder if
they're dead yet?
I do.
I can't help it.
I do.
Have you ever tried to throw
away an old wastebasket?
You can't do it. People keep
bringing it back to you, man.
"Hey, uh, your wastebasket
is in the garbage here!"
Check this out.
When you...
have a package of bacon,
underneath all the neat,
horizontal strips,
there's always
one weird piece of bacon.
What do dogs do
on their day off?
They can't lie around,
that's their job, man!
As you know, they search
you pretty well at the airport.
There'll be lots of places
later they'll be searching us,
but the airport is where
they're kind of trying it out.
As you know, they search your bags,
to make sure there's no weapons.
"Don't want any weapons
on the plane! you know."
They have the
little fluoroscope job,
and they run you through
the model home, and,
"No weapons!
Let 'em on!"
You get on the plane,
and you're clean!
What do they do, they
give you a knife and a fork,
and all the wine
you can drink, man.
I could take over a plane with
a piece of looseleaf paper, right?
Just hold it at the stewardess's
neck and threaten paper cuts!
"Do what he says!
Do what he says!"
Oh.. there's
a moment... coming.
There's a moment coming,
it's... it's not here yet.
It's on the way.
It's still in the future.
Here, here it is!
Oh, it's gone, man.
There's no present,
Everything is the near
future and the recent past.
No wonder we can't get
anything together,
we've got no time, man?
We would like to
introduce to you, Janis Ian.
Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford,
and welcome to
"Victims of Shark Bite."
My first guest,
Mr. Martin Gresner from
Long Island, New York.
Mr. Gresner,
would you tell our audience
just how you became
a victim of shark bite?
I'd be happy to,
Phyllis. Uh...
I was swimming about
fifty yards offshore from
my summer home
in Mattatuck, Long Island.
It was high tide, and, all of
a sudden, I felt this sharp,
piercing pain in
my left shoulder.
I didn't know
what it was at first,
my left arm
felt numb.
Well, my arm was gone.
Since then, I've had to learn to do
everything with my right hand.
Just when did this
incident take place?
Oh, I'd say maybe...
three, four months ago.
I've had, uh...
I've learned how to shave with my
right hand, and eat with one hand...
Excuse me,
Mr. Gresner,
but it appears to me as though
you do have a left arm there.
Nope! It's gone, see?
Shark bit it off! Nothing there!
No, Mr. Gresner,
that's your sleeve.
You do have a left arm and
it looks perfectly normal to me.
- It does?
- Yes.
It was my leg!
My leg!
He bit my leg off, see?
I have to hop around on
one foot, I'm an invalid...
Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there,
it's tucked under your other leg.
You see? You're fine!
There's nothing wrong with you.
I saw that movie where
that guy had his leg bit off...
We'll be back with
another victim of shark bite
after this commercial
message.
I've got a scar here where
my sister pushed me off a porch...
This is my best friend,
my business partner,
my advisor,
my companion,
my wife.
And I love her.
She's quite a gal,
you know.
She takes care
of the house,
cooks great meals,
makes studded leather vests
at our own boutique,
and still has enough energy to
give me the attention I need
at the end of a long day.
I don't know
how you do it.
Well, I take
care of myself.
get plenty of rest,
go to the Y, eat right and,
to make sure I get
enough iron and vitamins,
I take Jamitol every day.
Makes me take it, too.
Jamitol.
More than twice
the iron and
high-potency vitamins
found in other supplements.
Tablet or liquid.
My wife.
She's quite a gal.
And I love her for it.
I'm Paul Simon,
and I'll be hosting the NBC
Saturday Night show next week.
I'll be joined by
Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow,
and my ex-partner,
Art Garfunkel,
for a little
Simon & Garfunkel reunion.
I hope you'll watch.
And now,
Weekend Update,
with Chevy Chase.
Good evening,
I'm Chevy Chase!
Our top story tonight,
dedication ceremonies for the new
Teamsters Union Headquarters building
took place today in Detroit,
where Union President Fitzsimmons
was reported to have said that
former President
Jimmy Hoffa
will always be a cornerstone
in the organization.
Now, world leaders
in the news,
Japan Emperor Hirohito met
Mickey Mouse
at Disneyland this week.
The Emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline, Washington.
At a press conference
Thursday night,
President Ford
blew his nose.
Alert Secret Service agents
seized his handkerchief
and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday,
in Washington,
President Ford bumped his head
3 times getting into his helicopter.
The CIA immediately
denied reports that
it had deliberately lowered
the top of the doorway.
Ford was on the campaign trail,
announcing in Detroit
that he has written
his own campaign slogan.
The slogan?
"If He's So Dumb,
How Come He's President?"
The Post Office
announced today...
Just a second,
I lost my place.
The Post Office announced today
that it is going to issue
a stamp commemorating
prostitution in
the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp,
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
Murder at
the Blaine Hotel again.
For a live report,
let's go to Laraine Newman
in midtown Manhatten,
at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?
Chevy, I'm standing outside a room
on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel,
where number 38 in a series
of grizzly and bizarre murders
has occurred
just over an hour ago.
The motive, again, murder, as it has
been in the previous 37 slashings.
In a fit of pique, the Mayor
has called the Blaine Hotel
a pockmark on the neck
of midtown Manhatten.
Once again, grizzly death
and murder in the Blaine Hotel.
Laraine Newman, reporting.
Arthritis in
the adult is painful,
lonely, and sometimes
difficult to manage.
Arthritis is
particularly annoying
when coupled with neuralgia
and severe muscular tension.
Abrupt weather changes
can add discomfort.
Inflamed tissues
can cause local swelling,
calling for special relief.
Triopenin,
a compound of powerful anti-arthritic
spantials and antihistamines,
speeds soothing
relief where needed.
Triopenin is gentle,
non-habit-forming,
aids in soothing muscles and
liberating stiff, painful joints.
Soon, you're
handling life again,
feeling better, and getting
a firm grasp on the situation.
Triopenin,
get your hands
working again.
Now with the new
childproof safety cap.
Guests of
NBC Saturday Night stay at
the fabulous Blaine Hotel
in midtown Manhatten.
The Blaine, a tradition
for more than half a century.
Our final story tonight
concerns the birth of a baby
sandpiper at the Washington Zoo.
It's the first such birth
in captivity on record.
baby chick made its debut
at 9:18 this morning,
weighing in at just under 14 grams,
and according to zoo officials,
resembled its mother
quite closely.
The name given
our fuzzy little friend?
Simply "Pip".
One humourous note,
the bird was stepped on and
crushed to death this afternoon
by Goggles, the baby hippo
born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening.
This is Chevy Chase.
Good night and
have a pleasant tomorrow.
Come with us now...
from the bubbling tarpits
to the sulfurous wasteland...
from the rotting forest
to the stagnant mud flats...
From the bubbling tarpits...
to the sulfurous wasteland...
from the rotting forest
to the stagnant mud flats...
This land was made for me!
And me only!
Cause I am Ploobis!
King of all I survey.
Scred!
Scred!
Yes, oh high supreme
mucky muck, sir!
Scred, I'm hungry.
Ohh... what would please
your flatulence?
FOOD! See, I'm hungry.
And when I get hungry,
I get a headache.
And when I get
a headache, I get, uh...
Furious?
No.
Angry?
NO!
- Cranky!
- NO!
- Peevish!
- NO!
- Irked!
- NO!
- MILDLY ANNOYED!
- That's IT!
Oh, thank you, sire.
I get mildly annoyed
when I don't have food.
I'll see to it immediately,
your grossness.
Hmm.
This is something Peuta
should have taken care of
I heard that!
I don't have time to
worry about your food.
Especially
in my condition.
Mmmm.
I said, especially
in my condition.
- Especially in your condition.
- Yes.
- And?
- Yes.
What do you expect me
to do about it?
- You're too old to molt.
- Arrgh!
Oh, Ploobis,
I don't know
what my problem is.
I'm just not in the
swing of things. You see...
I'm having tremendous
difficulty releasing my darts.
Releasing
your darts. Urrgh.
- What should I do about it?
- Go to The Mighty Favog.
He's the only one
who can relieve my pain.
Your pain is
my pain, m'dear.
Well, I'm going to
lie down now.
Perhaps the darts
will loosen.
would it help if I
massaged your moogies?
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Only joking,
only kidding,
Your Majesty!
Don't say it
if you don't mean it.
Yes, sire.
Ah, there you are.
Here's your food,
Ploobis!
Thank you, Vazh.
What've you got here?
Grrrh...
Let go of it, would you?
Tastes like
boiled Kleenex.
This tastes familiar,
is this anyone I know?
Will you want dessert,
Ploobis?
Unnnh.
What I want,
Angel Buns,
is not on the menu.
Come here, you.
Ohhh.
Yeah. Oh, sweetheart.
Ploobis!
What are you doing?
Ah! Well, uh...
Excuse me, ma'am.
I was just on my way
to The Mighty Favog,
you see.
DIS IS
THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
HOW MANY
IN YOUR PARTY?
Uh... one!
Me and Scred.
TALK TA ME.
Oh, Mighty Favog!
I got a problem.
BUSINESS, SPORTS
OR PERSONAL?
Scred?
Medical,
your grossness.
Oh, Mighty Favog,
it's medical.
- MEDICAL.
- Mmm.
IT'S GONNA COST YA.
THREE CHICKENS,
TWO SWANS,
AND A DUCK.
Holy guacamole.
Whatcha got
on you, Scred?
Just two chickens.
But that's carfare home!
Oh Favog, I offer you two
chickens. It's all I've got!
BUSINESS IS SLOW.
I'LL TAKE 'EM.
Pay him the chickens.
Oh, okay,
but phooey, anyway.
Are you ready?
LAY 'EM ON
YOUR GOD!
Here they come!
AWRIGHT.
STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
Oh, Mighty Favog!
My charming wife Peuta
can't release her darts.
AWRIGHT.
YA READY?
We are ready,
Oh Mighty Favog!
HERE IS THE ANSWER!
Well?
CHEER UP.
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
For that,
I paid two chickens?
LIKE I SAID, CHEER UP,
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULDA PAID
FOUR CHICKENS.
NEXT!
You can't argue
with that...
Yeah...
I'M HERE EVERY DAY!
TELL YER FRIENDS!
Did you ever
dial the phone and
forget who you're calling?
Don't you feel dumb?
You don't know whether to hang on and
hope you remember the voice or not.
Then when you remember who
it was, you have to call back,
so you change your voice so
they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever
look at yourself in store windows
when you're walking past the stores?
"Hey, I look cool
in the store window, man!"
Have I done these jokes
before tonight?
Please tell me.
Why is there
no blue food?
I can't find blue food,
I can't find
the flavor of blue!
I mean, green is lime, yellow is lemon,
orange is orange, red is cherry.
What's blue?
There's no blue!
They say, "Blueberries!"
Uh-uh.
Blue on the vine,
purple on the plate.
There's no blue food!
Where is the blue food?
We want the blue food!
Probably it bestows
immortality!
They're keeping it from us!
We have no
blue food, please?
I'll take my vitamin.
Do you take vitamins?
Did you ever travel
with vitamins?
Oh, well...
if you take a lot of vitamins,
and they're not the kind that
says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side.
The plain-looking vitamins.
And you have a whole lot,
and you don't the whole
big jumbo thing on the road,
you take as many as you need
and they're not marked.
And the jar you put them
in isn't marked.
If a policeman really wants
to give you a hard time,
he can hold you overnight
while they check the vitamins.
That's why I travel
with Flintstone vitamins!
The term Jumbo Shrimp
has always amazed me.
What is a Jumbo Shrimp?
It's like Military Intelligence,
the words don't go together, man.
New York cab driver,
temporarily blinded,
still puts in
45 hour week!
- Excuse me!
- Hm?
Sir? Yes,
how did this happen to you?
Well, I was takin' a fare to one
of those movie premieres.
You know them
big spotlights?
- Where they've the lights
in the sky? - Yeah.
I always wondered
how they get 'em so bright
so I went and
stared into it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Stared into the light?
- Yeah.
- For how long?
- About a half an hour.
Yeah?
The doctor says it's only temporary,
my sight'll probably come back.
Oh, that's good.
And yet you still drive?
Damn right I still drive!
What should I do?
Sit home and collect welfare?
I know these streets
like the back of my hand.
- Yeah?
- That's right.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Gotta go now, pal.
Got a fare.
Okay.
- Any cars in front of us?
- No.
In an unprecedented
move to ease world tensions,
the country of Israel
and the state of Georgia
have agreed to
change places.
The entire state
of Georgia,
residents, businesses,
all forms of commerce
will relocate in
the Middle East
on January 1st, 1977.
No buildings
will be moved.
It will be an even
property exchange.
This is indeed an auspicious
occasion of the 20th century
and I hope that New Orleans will
be easier to deal with than Cairo.
I know-I know that
my entire state is
looking forward to
heat without humidity.
In a sweeping majority vote,
this progressive state
has decided to
lower the age of
consent from 18 to 7.
Businesses of all types
report a surge in activity.
Actually, uh,
I'm-I'm in advertising.
Here, I'll show ya,
this is my company here.
I can't read yet.
Oh, well, this says that
I'm in charge of casting.
I cast a lot of people,
you know, like yourself.
Mm hm.
You have very
nice cheekbones.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm with
"The Impossible Truth",
do you live
in this area?
- No, I'm from L.A.
- Ah! Who's your date?
It's just someone
I'm talking to here.
Let me ask
you something...
Why don't you just leave
us for a little while, huh?
All right.
Uh, I'm staying, uh,
at the Inn, you know,
out by the airport there.
- Yeah? - Maybe, I don't know
if you have time...
Although "The Impossible Truth"
airs what it must,
some things
it airs disgusts it.
While you are
viewing this,
"The Impossible Truth" continues
to investigate new leads.
Like the woman who swims 24 hours
a day every day of her life.
Or the man who can eat
a thousand eggs.
Or the genius
with an I.Q. of over 240.
and now we return
to "Bee Hospital."
Mr. Bee!
Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a drone!
- It's a drone!
- It's a drone!
- Congratulations!
- It's a drone!
Mr. Bee?
Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a drone!
It's a drone!
It's a drone!
That's great.
- Mr. Bee?
- Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a worker!
It's a worker?
- It's a worker.
- Hey, it's a worker.
Awwww,
it's a worker!
Thus, concludes this week's
chapter of "Bee Hospital."
And now, a scene from next week's
episode of "Bee Hospital."
- Mr. Bee?
- Yes?
Congratulations,
Mr. Bee, it's a queen!
It's a queen!
- Hello?
- Hello!
By just answering
this phone call,
you have qualified for
a challenging new career
that could earn you
up to 80 dollars a day!
Tell me more!
Did you know that the
recent glut of late night TV ads
for so-called
training schools
has created a demand
for skilled phone answerers
to take calls and
write down messages?
It's true.
The countless schools and
institutions that teach you
computer programming,
motel management,
airport surveillance
and diesel mechanics,
to name but a few,
desperately
need operators
to stand by at the end
of their TV ads.
Now, ABC,
the Academy of Better Careers,
offers you the chance
to become one of these
sought after,
high paid stand-by operators.
You'll learn the latest up to the
minute phone answering techniques
from our staff of
experienced instructors.
You'll explore the telephone,
its past, its present,
and even the amazing picture
phones of the future.
In only six weeks,
our experts will show you
everything you need to know
to answer phones
professionally.
ABC is veteran-approved by the
Federal Board of Public Instruction
- and is eligible under the Stu...
- Excuse me, mister.
- I have to get off.
- But where are you going?
To call ABC
and start my new career
as a sought after,
high paid stand-by operator!
Hey! Don't let life
put you on hold!
Become a stand-by operator!
Call now for free booklet!
Call (311) 555-4425.
That's (311) 555-4425.
Operators are standing
by to take your call.
And now,
comedienne Valri Bromfield!
Thank you.
I don't look like
a comedian, do I?
That's because I'm not,
I'm a school teacher,
and people I need a lot of silence
in this room if I'm going to talk.
People people, please please,
people people, am I in a zoo?!
All right people, let's bring you out
of the suburbs and into the city.
I'd like to have a few words
with you. Okay, okay, people.
Now, today we have a big volleyball
game ahead of us, people,
and as you know the principal is
counting on us winning the cup.
The principal is a what?
Is this a French film
I'm living in, people?
Please! I have a few points
and I'd like to make them!
Okay, people now...
first of all, we're in our
lovely gym togs
and I'd like to keep them
looking lovely and crisp.
Turquiose and white are
a very good combination.
But, keep the box pleat
nice and neat.
Don't sit down
during the game.
And another thing people, please,
two points I'd like to make here.
Dress shields,
dress shields, girls.
Just for that little extra neatness.
Oh, and people,
the hair-styles are
very very nice indeed,
but let's keep them
back off the eyes, okay?
I've got some hairnets here.
"oohhh" yourselves!
Now, people,
Okay.
I've got team captain Debbie
here would like to
have a few words with
you before the game.
Okay? Debbie?
Thanks.
Okay, shut up.
Okay, so we're going to have
a game and everything, I guess,
or I wouldn't be
wearing these things!
Okay, so the most important
thing we have to do is
to go out there and be
really, really cute, okay?
Cause we are
really cute.
And listen to me,
something really great.
There's some guys out there
who are such duh's,
you wouldn't believe! There's
Jimmy and Mark and Connor and...
when I think
about the guys...
I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!!
Have a good game.
We at Saturday Night wanted to see
what kind of people carry guns.
So we took our camera crew
into the streets to find out.
When you see our Saturday Night
truck in your neighborhood,
show us your guns!
It's already Sunday,
and it's God's day OFF!!
That's what it
said in the Bible.
He worked six days,
then He took Sunday off.
It's His one day off,
and THAT'S the day
we all go in and crowd
the church and ask him.
"It's my day off, man!"
Well, we create God in
our own image and likeness.
No question about that.
Every time I see a picture of God,
He has knees and toenails, right?
and a good example,
a better example of our
kind of self-centeredness,
when it comes to God.
When we put a statue of
Jesus on the dashboard,
instead of having Him looking out
and watching for traffic,
which is what
He should be doing,
we have Him
watching us drive.
"Hey! Watch THIS,
Jesus! Left turn!"
You ever see
a statue leap?
Jumped right up into
the baby shoes that time.
Don't worry,
don't worry.
The universe is in balance,
because Jesus
has a statue of
a middle-class American
hypocrite on His dashboard.
It's alright.
Things work out well.
But, uh, we are so conceited
about this God concept,
that we, we'll go around
describing Him to each other.
He's infinite, and we can
never understand Him,
but I'll describe
him for 'ya!"
Well, here's what it's like,
first of all,
first of all, uh,
He knows everything.
He knows
absolutely everything.
I don't even know
what I'm talking about,
He knows what I mean.
Secondly,
He never started and
He's never gonna end.
And third,
He is all powerful.
He can do anything.
He can throw a car
right over a wall.
He's just like us, He's a cool guy,
that's all God is, a cool guy.
That's what all the religions
told us. "He's like us, He's us."
That's what all the big ones,
all the big religions said,
"Love yourself, Love your God,
Love your neighbor,
because you're all
basically the same person.
We just don't have
uniforms yet, that's all."
And we do go for that,
don't we? We kinda buy that.
"Oh, yeah, I'm God. Sure.
Stanley is God. Arlene is God.
God and me are
Arlene and Stanley."
It's a little complicated,
but we do kinda believe that.
And if God is like us,
I think perhaps
he might be subject
to Physical Laws.
I mean,
supernatural?
But subject to
Physical Laws, possibly.
It would explain
a lot of things.
It would explain why He always has
to send an angel as a messenger.
I mean, if He's God,
why doesn't He show up?
"Hey, I got a message
for 'ya, here you go."
He sends an angel. And the angel
always flies in over a mountain.
I mean, that implies that you're
traversing over a phyical space.
So, possibly,
uh, God is subject
to Physical Laws.
People say,
"Well, if God is so benevolent,
how can He
let people suffer?"
He can't help, it lady!
He's subject to
Physical Laws!
Maybe He's only a, uh,
semi Supreme being.
Because He's like us,
and we're not perfect.
I think God may not
be perfect.
I think His work
shows that.
Take a look at
a mountain range.
They're all crooked,
they're never in line.
All different sizes. There are
no two leaves that same.
He can't even give
2 people the same fingerprints!
He's had BILLIONS of years
to work on some of this stuff!
And EVERYTHING
He has ever MADE...
DIED!!
Everything so far!!
So far!
Where did He get
this great reputation?
He's batting .000!
Now, some religions, which are
not to be confused with God.
Some religions
will tell you that it's quite okay
not to worry about your own life.
Religion has a way of
relieving yourself of any
responsibility for your acts.
It was God's will!
It's God's will!
"Oh, I ran over the kid in the
driveway, yes, but don't look at me.
God's will!"
Can't you see
a lynch mob going,
"Let's get this guy, God! That's the
4th kid He's killed this week!"
Religion, religion,
at best, at BEST,
is like a lift
in your shoe.
If you need it
for a while,
and it makes you walk
straight and feel better,
fine.
But you don't
need it forever,
or you can become
permanently disabled.
Religion is like
a lift in the shoe,
and I say just don't ask
me to wear your shoes.
And let's not go down and
nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
Thank you.
Once again,
here's Billy Preston,
with his new hit,
"Fancy Lady."
Oh, honey!
"Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis
is on in ten minutes.
Aw, sweetheart,
I'm tired.
I think I'm just going to
have another glass
of diet root beer
and go to bed, okay?
What was that?!
What's going on?!
Hi, there!
Please,
do not be alarmed!
This is only a simulated
assault and burglery.
Repeat! This is a simulated
assault and burglery!
This could happen to you
at any time, in fact, it just has!
Honey, call the police!
Do something!
No, don't call the police.
I am the police!
I might be, anyway.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.
My name is
Kenny Vorstrather,
and I'm President of
Trojan Horse Home Security.
I broke into your home tonight
to show you just how vulnerable
you and your family are to crime.
I sell a complete range of home
and garden security devices.
You might say
security is my life.
I'm fully qualified to
make you feel secure.
I used to be an
armored truck mechanic,
in Leeber City, Arizona.
And, you, Mr. Kromer,
have the perfect right
to throw me
out of your house.
If you think you can.
If I think I can?!
You're a pretty hefty guy,
Mr. Kromer I ask little lady get prefer
Don't worry, folks, he won't
hurt you! This is my assistant,
he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security.
His name is Harvey,
Harvey Morgomaster.
Harvey, like myself,
is a security expert.
He worked in the Army
as a camouflauge artist,
painting the insides
of payroll vaults.
Mr. and Mrs. Kromer,
we offer a total security protection
plan for your family and home.
For instance,
the TPFLM System.
TPFLM?
Tactically-Positioned
Front Lawn Mine.
Or,
how about these
rec room search lights,
color co-ordinated for
fashionable surveillance.
And,
for total protection
in the bathroom,
Toilet Bowl Piranha.
It's a toothy surprise for the
thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.
Wait a minute.
If we have
our lawn mined,
what do we need this stuff
inside the house for?
Okay, okay.
That's a very
good question.
I'm going to ask
you a question now.
In the event of
a radioactive firestorm,
how secure are
your foodstuffs?
Oh, we have a fridge.
Okay.
I'm going to ask you to help me
in a small demonstration,
a security technique.
If you could go into
your kitchen right now,
and get me a tomato.
Tomato?
Yeah. Just a common
household tomato.
Green, red, I don't care.
Ripe, unripe.
Okay.
See how frightening
that was?
How effective that
was in stopping you?
Relax! Just blanks!
Just a demonstration, sit down!
Sit down.
Here, hang on
to this chunk!
Feels good,
doesn't it?
I want to talk you, Mrs. Kromer.
My briefcase please, Harvey.
Mrs. Kromer, say, a criminal
entered your kitchen
with intent to preparing
illicit piece of toast.
- Toast?
- Toast.
Only we offer the crisper crust self
detonating fragmentation toaster.
Or there's handy
357 Magnum Mixmaster.
Comes in avocado green.
Yes, and harvest gold.
Here we have the sandwich
sensitive hot plate laser.
Oh, that's very nice.
I'm gonna ask you
a question, Mr. Kromer,
and I want you to
answer me quite honestly.
Would you want your wife to be
sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?
Oh, no.
Of course not.
Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be
sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?
It would depend on
who the person...
Look, Mr. Kromer,
how...
how much would you pay
to keep your family safe?
Would you pay, say,
2 million dollars, if you had it?
If I had it, yeah.
Or, one million dollars?
Sure. If I had
a million, yeah.
Have you got $499.99?
Honey, we were
saving that money!
We were?
You don't think you know
how unsafe your family really is.
For instance,
where's your son, uh...
- Ronnie.
- Ronnie, right now?
He's outside
playing in the yard.
Well, Frank?
Put the kid on, will ya?
We'll take it!
We'll take it!
Okay, let the kid go.
I'm glad you decided.
Here, if you could sign right here,
we'll have the contract drawn up...
In the dawn
of civilization,
long before
the Bronze Age,
man first began his search
for the close shave.
Since then, man has been
ardently striding to design
the perfect
shaving instrument.
From the straight razor,
to the safety razor,
to the injector system,
and finally the highly
acclaimed twinblade cartridge.
Almost perfect, yet not
quite the superlative groom.
Introducing
the Triple-Trac.
Not just two blades
in one system,
but 3 stainless,
platinum teflex-coated blades
melded together to form one
incredible shaving cartridge,
easily fitted into your
old twinblade holder.
Triple-Trac's
triple-threat cartridge,
with more close shaves
than ever before.
Here's how it works.
The first blade
grabs at the whisker,
tugging it away from your face to
protect it from the second blade.
Blade number two
catches and digs
into the stubble before
it has the chance to
snap back and injure you,
pulling it farther out so that
it is now ready for shearing.
Triple-Trac's
third blade,
a finely-honed bonded
platinum instrument,
cuts cleanly through
the whisker at its base,
leaving your face as
smooth as a billiard ball.
The Triple-Trac.
Because
you'll believe anything.
I don't know about you
but I sure could listen to
Janis Ian one more time.
Just wanna thank you all for
having some live fun with us.
You at home and
everybody here.
And wanna thank
all the guests, of course.
Janis Ian,
Billy Preston,
Albert Brooks,
the Muppets,
Valri Bromfield,
Andy Kaufman,
the Not quite Ready
for Prime Time Players
and everyone
who took part in this.
And I would not be
sensible and sane
if I didn't tell ya I got
a brand new album this week.
I hope you'll see it.
Bye-bye.
- Good eveniee.
Good evening.
Good...
eveniee.
Good...
Good eveniee.
Let us begin.
Repeat after me.
- I would like...
- I would like...
- ...to feed your fingertips...
- ...to feed yur fingerteeps...
- ...to the wolverines.
- ...to de wolver-eenes.
Next,
- I am afraid...
- I em afred...
- ...we are out...
- ...we are out...
- ...of badgers.
- ...of badjurs.
- Would you accept...
- Would you accept...
- ...a wolverine...
- ...a wolver-eene...
- ...in it's place?
- ...een es place.
Next,
"Hey," Ned exclaimed...
"Hey," Ned asclaimed...
- "let's boil...
- "let's boil...
- ...the wolverines."
- ...the wolver-eenes."
Next...
Live from New York,
it's Saturday Night!
NBC's Saturday Nights,
starring George Carlin
with Janis Ian
and Billy Preston.
A film by Albert Brooks.
Jim Henson's Muppets,
The Not For Ready
Prime Time Players,
and comedians,
Valri Bromfield,
Andy Kaufman.
Ladies and gentlemen,
George Carlin!
Talk about a live show!
It's nice to see you,
welcome,
and thanks for
joining us - live.
I'm kinda glad that
we're on at night,
so that we're not competing with
all the football and baseball games.
So many, man...
All the time.
And this is the time of year
when there's both, you know?
Football's kinda nice,
they changed it a little bit,
they moved the hash marks in.
Guys found it and
smoked them, anyway!
But you know, football
wants to be the No. 1 sport,
the national pasttime.
And I think it already is,
because football represents
something we are,
we are Europe, Jr.
When you get right down to it,
we're Europe, Jr.
We play a Eurpe game.
What was the Europe game?
"Let's take their land
away from them!
You'll be the pink, on up; we'll
be blue, the red and the green!"
Ground acquisition.
And that's what football is,
football's a ground
acquisition game.
You knock the crap out of 11 guys
and take their land away from them.
Of course, we only do it
ten yards at a time.
That's the way
we did it with the Indians,
we won it little by little.
First down in Ohio.
Midwest to go!
I think it's not surprising that
the football advise and...
Let's put it this way,
there are things about
the words surrounding
football and baseball,
which give it all away.
Football is
technological,
baseball is
pastoral.
Football is
played in a stadium,
baseball is
played in the park.
In football, you wear a helmet,
in baseball,
you wear a cap.
Football is played
on an enclosed,
rectangular grid and
every one of them
is the same size,
baseball is played on
an ever-widening angle
that reaches to inifinity
and every park is different!
Football is rigidly timed,
baseball has
no time limit,
we don't know
when it's gonna end!
We might even
have extra innings!
In football,
you get a penalty,
in baseball, you make
an error, whoops!
The object in football is
to march downfield and
penetrate enemy territory,
and get into
the end zone,
in baseball,
the object is to go home!
"I'm going home!"
And, in football, they have
the clip, the hit, the block,
the tackle, the blitz, the bomb,
the offense and the defense,
in baseball,
they have...
the sacrifice.
Honey, I'm home!
- Daddy! Daddy!
- Hey, pal!
How are you doing?
You have a lovely home,
a good job,
solid investments,
a wonderful family...
everything you need
for the future,
or is it?
What if you were
suddenly out of the picture?
Should tragedy strike,
what would happen to them?
Sure, you've provided
for them financially,
but what about their
emotional and physical needs?
- Honey, I'm home!
- Daddy!
Yes, it's "New Dad!"
a radically new concept
in family insurance coverage.
Within seconds after
"Old Dad" is out,
we'll have "New Dad"
in there to take his place.
Is your family
completely covered?
Not just financially,
but in every way?
Why not call your local
independent insurance agent today,
and ask him about
our "New Dad" policy,
before it's too late.
That's "New Dad",
the only insurance that
covers all of their needs.
"New Dad",
Tops In Pops.
And now, Billy Preston,
with "Nothing From Nothing!"
Now I must have
order please or
I'll be forced to
clear this courtroom.
Ms. Davis,
could you kindly tell
the court in your own words
what the defendent
allegedly said to you
when he pulled you
into the alleyway?
He said,
"Hey, baby,
h-how'd you like to, uh..."
I can't, I ...
Now, please, Ms. Davis.
I know this is very
difficult for you
but this is extremely
important evidence.
He said
"h-how'd you like to, uh..."
- Don't make me say it...
- Objection.
The witness is
not on trial here.
Now obviously what he said was
too upsetting for her to repeat.
Objection.
Heresay.
Gentlemen, gentlemen.
Now since this evidence is
so extremely important,
perhaps Ms. Davis
might write down
the defendent's remarks
on a piece of paper.
And now,
here's Andy Kaufman!
Mister Trouble
never hangs around
When he hears
this Mighty sound:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
Yes sir, when there is
a wrong to right
Mighty Mouse will
join the fight.
On the sea or on the land
He gets the situation
well in hand.
So though we are in danger,
we never despair
'Cause we know that where
there's danger, he is there!
He is there! On the land!
On the sea! In the air!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin'
for his call:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
We're not worryin' at all
We're just listenin'
for his call:
"Here I come to
save the day!"
That means that
Mighty Mouse is on the way!
How many of you have
heard this in your home,
"Where's the
good scissors?
I can't keep anything
nice in this house."
Here's another thing you hear
at home, mostly guys say this,
"Hey, who stole
my underwear!
Somebody stole
my underwear!"
"Which one?"
"This week's underwear."
Do you ever look at
the crowds in old movies
and wonder if
they're dead yet?
I do.
I can't help it.
I do.
Have you ever tried to throw
away an old wastebasket?
You can't do it. People keep
bringing it back to you, man.
"Hey, uh, your wastebasket
is in the garbage here!"
Check this out.
When you...
have a package of bacon,
underneath all the neat,
horizontal strips,
there's always
one weird piece of bacon.
What do dogs do
on their day off?
They can't lie around,
that's their job, man!
As you know, they search
you pretty well at the airport.
There'll be lots of places
later they'll be searching us,
but the airport is where
they're kind of trying it out.
As you know, they search your bags,
to make sure there's no weapons.
"Don't want any weapons
on the plane! you know."
They have the
little fluoroscope job,
and they run you through
the model home, and,
"No weapons!
Let 'em on!"
You get on the plane,
and you're clean!
What do they do, they
give you a knife and a fork,
and all the wine
you can drink, man.
I could take over a plane with
a piece of looseleaf paper, right?
Just hold it at the stewardess's
neck and threaten paper cuts!
"Do what he says!
Do what he says!"
Oh.. there's
a moment... coming.
There's a moment coming,
it's... it's not here yet.
It's on the way.
It's still in the future.
Here, here it is!
Oh, it's gone, man.
There's no present,
Everything is the near
future and the recent past.
No wonder we can't get
anything together,
we've got no time, man?
We would like to
introduce to you, Janis Ian.
Hi, I'm Phyllis Crawford,
and welcome to
"Victims of Shark Bite."
My first guest,
Mr. Martin Gresner from
Long Island, New York.
Mr. Gresner,
would you tell our audience
just how you became
a victim of shark bite?
I'd be happy to,
Phyllis. Uh...
I was swimming about
fifty yards offshore from
my summer home
in Mattatuck, Long Island.
It was high tide, and, all of
a sudden, I felt this sharp,
piercing pain in
my left shoulder.
I didn't know
what it was at first,
my left arm
felt numb.
Well, my arm was gone.
Since then, I've had to learn to do
everything with my right hand.
Just when did this
incident take place?
Oh, I'd say maybe...
three, four months ago.
I've had, uh...
I've learned how to shave with my
right hand, and eat with one hand...
Excuse me,
Mr. Gresner,
but it appears to me as though
you do have a left arm there.
Nope! It's gone, see?
Shark bit it off! Nothing there!
No, Mr. Gresner,
that's your sleeve.
You do have a left arm and
it looks perfectly normal to me.
- It does?
- Yes.
It was my leg!
My leg!
He bit my leg off, see?
I have to hop around on
one foot, I'm an invalid...
Mr. Gresner, you do have a leg there,
it's tucked under your other leg.
You see? You're fine!
There's nothing wrong with you.
I saw that movie where
that guy had his leg bit off...
We'll be back with
another victim of shark bite
after this commercial
message.
I've got a scar here where
my sister pushed me off a porch...
This is my best friend,
my business partner,
my advisor,
my companion,
my wife.
And I love her.
She's quite a gal,
you know.
She takes care
of the house,
cooks great meals,
makes studded leather vests
at our own boutique,
and still has enough energy to
give me the attention I need
at the end of a long day.
I don't know
how you do it.
Well, I take
care of myself.
get plenty of rest,
go to the Y, eat right and,
to make sure I get
enough iron and vitamins,
I take Jamitol every day.
Makes me take it, too.
Jamitol.
More than twice
the iron and
high-potency vitamins
found in other supplements.
Tablet or liquid.
My wife.
She's quite a gal.
And I love her for it.
I'm Paul Simon,
and I'll be hosting the NBC
Saturday Night show next week.
I'll be joined by
Randy Newman, Phoebe Snow,
and my ex-partner,
Art Garfunkel,
for a little
Simon & Garfunkel reunion.
I hope you'll watch.
And now,
Weekend Update,
with Chevy Chase.
Good evening,
I'm Chevy Chase!
Our top story tonight,
dedication ceremonies for the new
Teamsters Union Headquarters building
took place today in Detroit,
where Union President Fitzsimmons
was reported to have said that
former President
Jimmy Hoffa
will always be a cornerstone
in the organization.
Now, world leaders
in the news,
Japan Emperor Hirohito met
Mickey Mouse
at Disneyland this week.
The Emperor presented Mickey
with a Hirohito wristwatch.
Dateline, Washington.
At a press conference
Thursday night,
President Ford
blew his nose.
Alert Secret Service agents
seized his handkerchief
and wrestled it to the ground.
And, yesterday,
in Washington,
President Ford bumped his head
3 times getting into his helicopter.
The CIA immediately
denied reports that
it had deliberately lowered
the top of the doorway.
Ford was on the campaign trail,
announcing in Detroit
that he has written
his own campaign slogan.
The slogan?
"If He's So Dumb,
How Come He's President?"
The Post Office
announced today...
Just a second,
I lost my place.
The Post Office announced today
that it is going to issue
a stamp commemorating
prostitution in
the United States.
It's a ten-cent stamp,
but if you want to lick it,
it's a quarter.
Murder at
the Blaine Hotel again.
For a live report,
let's go to Laraine Newman
in midtown Manhatten,
at the Blaine hotel. Laraine?
Chevy, I'm standing outside a room
on the 15th floor of the Blaine Hotel,
where number 38 in a series
of grizzly and bizarre murders
has occurred
just over an hour ago.
The motive, again, murder, as it has
been in the previous 37 slashings.
In a fit of pique, the Mayor
has called the Blaine Hotel
a pockmark on the neck
of midtown Manhatten.
Once again, grizzly death
and murder in the Blaine Hotel.
Laraine Newman, reporting.
Arthritis in
the adult is painful,
lonely, and sometimes
difficult to manage.
Arthritis is
particularly annoying
when coupled with neuralgia
and severe muscular tension.
Abrupt weather changes
can add discomfort.
Inflamed tissues
can cause local swelling,
calling for special relief.
Triopenin,
a compound of powerful anti-arthritic
spantials and antihistamines,
speeds soothing
relief where needed.
Triopenin is gentle,
non-habit-forming,
aids in soothing muscles and
liberating stiff, painful joints.
Soon, you're
handling life again,
feeling better, and getting
a firm grasp on the situation.
Triopenin,
get your hands
working again.
Now with the new
childproof safety cap.
Guests of
NBC Saturday Night stay at
the fabulous Blaine Hotel
in midtown Manhatten.
The Blaine, a tradition
for more than half a century.
Our final story tonight
concerns the birth of a baby
sandpiper at the Washington Zoo.
It's the first such birth
in captivity on record.
baby chick made its debut
at 9:18 this morning,
weighing in at just under 14 grams,
and according to zoo officials,
resembled its mother
quite closely.
The name given
our fuzzy little friend?
Simply "Pip".
One humourous note,
the bird was stepped on and
crushed to death this afternoon
by Goggles, the baby hippo
born in captivity last Wednesday.
Well, that's news this evening.
This is Chevy Chase.
Good night and
have a pleasant tomorrow.
Come with us now...
from the bubbling tarpits
to the sulfurous wasteland...
from the rotting forest
to the stagnant mud flats...
From the bubbling tarpits...
to the sulfurous wasteland...
from the rotting forest
to the stagnant mud flats...
This land was made for me!
And me only!
Cause I am Ploobis!
King of all I survey.
Scred!
Scred!
Yes, oh high supreme
mucky muck, sir!
Scred, I'm hungry.
Ohh... what would please
your flatulence?
FOOD! See, I'm hungry.
And when I get hungry,
I get a headache.
And when I get
a headache, I get, uh...
Furious?
No.
Angry?
NO!
- Cranky!
- NO!
- Peevish!
- NO!
- Irked!
- NO!
- MILDLY ANNOYED!
- That's IT!
Oh, thank you, sire.
I get mildly annoyed
when I don't have food.
I'll see to it immediately,
your grossness.
Hmm.
This is something Peuta
should have taken care of
I heard that!
I don't have time to
worry about your food.
Especially
in my condition.
Mmmm.
I said, especially
in my condition.
- Especially in your condition.
- Yes.
- And?
- Yes.
What do you expect me
to do about it?
- You're too old to molt.
- Arrgh!
Oh, Ploobis,
I don't know
what my problem is.
I'm just not in the
swing of things. You see...
I'm having tremendous
difficulty releasing my darts.
Releasing
your darts. Urrgh.
- What should I do about it?
- Go to The Mighty Favog.
He's the only one
who can relieve my pain.
Your pain is
my pain, m'dear.
Well, I'm going to
lie down now.
Perhaps the darts
will loosen.
would it help if I
massaged your moogies?
Ow, ow, ow, ow!
Only joking,
only kidding,
Your Majesty!
Don't say it
if you don't mean it.
Yes, sire.
Ah, there you are.
Here's your food,
Ploobis!
Thank you, Vazh.
What've you got here?
Grrrh...
Let go of it, would you?
Tastes like
boiled Kleenex.
This tastes familiar,
is this anyone I know?
Will you want dessert,
Ploobis?
Unnnh.
What I want,
Angel Buns,
is not on the menu.
Come here, you.
Ohhh.
Yeah. Oh, sweetheart.
Ploobis!
What are you doing?
Ah! Well, uh...
Excuse me, ma'am.
I was just on my way
to The Mighty Favog,
you see.
DIS IS
THE MIGHTY FAVOG.
HOW MANY
IN YOUR PARTY?
Uh... one!
Me and Scred.
TALK TA ME.
Oh, Mighty Favog!
I got a problem.
BUSINESS, SPORTS
OR PERSONAL?
Scred?
Medical,
your grossness.
Oh, Mighty Favog,
it's medical.
- MEDICAL.
- Mmm.
IT'S GONNA COST YA.
THREE CHICKENS,
TWO SWANS,
AND A DUCK.
Holy guacamole.
Whatcha got
on you, Scred?
Just two chickens.
But that's carfare home!
Oh Favog, I offer you two
chickens. It's all I've got!
BUSINESS IS SLOW.
I'LL TAKE 'EM.
Pay him the chickens.
Oh, okay,
but phooey, anyway.
Are you ready?
LAY 'EM ON
YOUR GOD!
Here they come!
AWRIGHT.
STATE YOUR PROBLEM.
Oh, Mighty Favog!
My charming wife Peuta
can't release her darts.
AWRIGHT.
YA READY?
We are ready,
Oh Mighty Favog!
HERE IS THE ANSWER!
Well?
CHEER UP.
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
For that,
I paid two chickens?
LIKE I SAID, CHEER UP,
THINGS COULD BE WORSE.
YOU COULDA PAID
FOUR CHICKENS.
NEXT!
You can't argue
with that...
Yeah...
I'M HERE EVERY DAY!
TELL YER FRIENDS!
Did you ever
dial the phone and
forget who you're calling?
Don't you feel dumb?
You don't know whether to hang on and
hope you remember the voice or not.
Then when you remember who
it was, you have to call back,
so you change your voice so
they don't think you're a moron.
Did you ever
look at yourself in store windows
when you're walking past the stores?
"Hey, I look cool
in the store window, man!"
Have I done these jokes
before tonight?
Please tell me.
Why is there
no blue food?
I can't find blue food,
I can't find
the flavor of blue!
I mean, green is lime, yellow is lemon,
orange is orange, red is cherry.
What's blue?
There's no blue!
They say, "Blueberries!"
Uh-uh.
Blue on the vine,
purple on the plate.
There's no blue food!
Where is the blue food?
We want the blue food!
Probably it bestows
immortality!
They're keeping it from us!
We have no
blue food, please?
I'll take my vitamin.
Do you take vitamins?
Did you ever travel
with vitamins?
Oh, well...
if you take a lot of vitamins,
and they're not the kind that
says "Joe's Vitamins" on the side.
The plain-looking vitamins.
And you have a whole lot,
and you don't the whole
big jumbo thing on the road,
you take as many as you need
and they're not marked.
And the jar you put them
in isn't marked.
If a policeman really wants
to give you a hard time,
he can hold you overnight
while they check the vitamins.
That's why I travel
with Flintstone vitamins!
The term Jumbo Shrimp
has always amazed me.
What is a Jumbo Shrimp?
It's like Military Intelligence,
the words don't go together, man.
New York cab driver,
temporarily blinded,
still puts in
45 hour week!
- Excuse me!
- Hm?
Sir? Yes,
how did this happen to you?
Well, I was takin' a fare to one
of those movie premieres.
You know them
big spotlights?
- Where they've the lights
in the sky? - Yeah.
I always wondered
how they get 'em so bright
so I went and
stared into it.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Stared into the light?
- Yeah.
- For how long?
- About a half an hour.
Yeah?
The doctor says it's only temporary,
my sight'll probably come back.
Oh, that's good.
And yet you still drive?
Damn right I still drive!
What should I do?
Sit home and collect welfare?
I know these streets
like the back of my hand.
- Yeah?
- That's right.
Well, congratulations.
Thank you.
Fifty-sixth and Madison.
Gotta go now, pal.
Got a fare.
Okay.
- Any cars in front of us?
- No.
In an unprecedented
move to ease world tensions,
the country of Israel
and the state of Georgia
have agreed to
change places.
The entire state
of Georgia,
residents, businesses,
all forms of commerce
will relocate in
the Middle East
on January 1st, 1977.
No buildings
will be moved.
It will be an even
property exchange.
This is indeed an auspicious
occasion of the 20th century
and I hope that New Orleans will
be easier to deal with than Cairo.
I know-I know that
my entire state is
looking forward to
heat without humidity.
In a sweeping majority vote,
this progressive state
has decided to
lower the age of
consent from 18 to 7.
Businesses of all types
report a surge in activity.
Actually, uh,
I'm-I'm in advertising.
Here, I'll show ya,
this is my company here.
I can't read yet.
Oh, well, this says that
I'm in charge of casting.
I cast a lot of people,
you know, like yourself.
Mm hm.
You have very
nice cheekbones.
Excuse me, sir.
I'm with
"The Impossible Truth",
do you live
in this area?
- No, I'm from L.A.
- Ah! Who's your date?
It's just someone
I'm talking to here.
Let me ask
you something...
Why don't you just leave
us for a little while, huh?
All right.
Uh, I'm staying, uh,
at the Inn, you know,
out by the airport there.
- Yeah? - Maybe, I don't know
if you have time...
Although "The Impossible Truth"
airs what it must,
some things
it airs disgusts it.
While you are
viewing this,
"The Impossible Truth" continues
to investigate new leads.
Like the woman who swims 24 hours
a day every day of her life.
Or the man who can eat
a thousand eggs.
Or the genius
with an I.Q. of over 240.
and now we return
to "Bee Hospital."
Mr. Bee!
Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a drone!
- It's a drone!
- It's a drone!
- Congratulations!
- It's a drone!
Mr. Bee?
Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a drone!
It's a drone!
It's a drone!
That's great.
- Mr. Bee?
- Yes?
Congratulations!
It's a worker!
It's a worker?
- It's a worker.
- Hey, it's a worker.
Awwww,
it's a worker!
Thus, concludes this week's
chapter of "Bee Hospital."
And now, a scene from next week's
episode of "Bee Hospital."
- Mr. Bee?
- Yes?
Congratulations,
Mr. Bee, it's a queen!
It's a queen!
- Hello?
- Hello!
By just answering
this phone call,
you have qualified for
a challenging new career
that could earn you
up to 80 dollars a day!
Tell me more!
Did you know that the
recent glut of late night TV ads
for so-called
training schools
has created a demand
for skilled phone answerers
to take calls and
write down messages?
It's true.
The countless schools and
institutions that teach you
computer programming,
motel management,
airport surveillance
and diesel mechanics,
to name but a few,
desperately
need operators
to stand by at the end
of their TV ads.
Now, ABC,
the Academy of Better Careers,
offers you the chance
to become one of these
sought after,
high paid stand-by operators.
You'll learn the latest up to the
minute phone answering techniques
from our staff of
experienced instructors.
You'll explore the telephone,
its past, its present,
and even the amazing picture
phones of the future.
In only six weeks,
our experts will show you
everything you need to know
to answer phones
professionally.
ABC is veteran-approved by the
Federal Board of Public Instruction
- and is eligible under the Stu...
- Excuse me, mister.
- I have to get off.
- But where are you going?
To call ABC
and start my new career
as a sought after,
high paid stand-by operator!
Hey! Don't let life
put you on hold!
Become a stand-by operator!
Call now for free booklet!
Call (311) 555-4425.
That's (311) 555-4425.
Operators are standing
by to take your call.
And now,
comedienne Valri Bromfield!
Thank you.
I don't look like
a comedian, do I?
That's because I'm not,
I'm a school teacher,
and people I need a lot of silence
in this room if I'm going to talk.
People people, please please,
people people, am I in a zoo?!
All right people, let's bring you out
of the suburbs and into the city.
I'd like to have a few words
with you. Okay, okay, people.
Now, today we have a big volleyball
game ahead of us, people,
and as you know the principal is
counting on us winning the cup.
The principal is a what?
Is this a French film
I'm living in, people?
Please! I have a few points
and I'd like to make them!
Okay, people now...
first of all, we're in our
lovely gym togs
and I'd like to keep them
looking lovely and crisp.
Turquiose and white are
a very good combination.
But, keep the box pleat
nice and neat.
Don't sit down
during the game.
And another thing people, please,
two points I'd like to make here.
Dress shields,
dress shields, girls.
Just for that little extra neatness.
Oh, and people,
the hair-styles are
very very nice indeed,
but let's keep them
back off the eyes, okay?
I've got some hairnets here.
"oohhh" yourselves!
Now, people,
Okay.
I've got team captain Debbie
here would like to
have a few words with
you before the game.
Okay? Debbie?
Thanks.
Okay, shut up.
Okay, so we're going to have
a game and everything, I guess,
or I wouldn't be
wearing these things!
Okay, so the most important
thing we have to do is
to go out there and be
really, really cute, okay?
Cause we are
really cute.
And listen to me,
something really great.
There's some guys out there
who are such duh's,
you wouldn't believe! There's
Jimmy and Mark and Connor and...
when I think
about the guys...
I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!!
Have a good game.
We at Saturday Night wanted to see
what kind of people carry guns.
So we took our camera crew
into the streets to find out.
When you see our Saturday Night
truck in your neighborhood,
show us your guns!
It's already Sunday,
and it's God's day OFF!!
That's what it
said in the Bible.
He worked six days,
then He took Sunday off.
It's His one day off,
and THAT'S the day
we all go in and crowd
the church and ask him.
"It's my day off, man!"
Well, we create God in
our own image and likeness.
No question about that.
Every time I see a picture of God,
He has knees and toenails, right?
and a good example,
a better example of our
kind of self-centeredness,
when it comes to God.
When we put a statue of
Jesus on the dashboard,
instead of having Him looking out
and watching for traffic,
which is what
He should be doing,
we have Him
watching us drive.
"Hey! Watch THIS,
Jesus! Left turn!"
You ever see
a statue leap?
Jumped right up into
the baby shoes that time.
Don't worry,
don't worry.
The universe is in balance,
because Jesus
has a statue of
a middle-class American
hypocrite on His dashboard.
It's alright.
Things work out well.
But, uh, we are so conceited
about this God concept,
that we, we'll go around
describing Him to each other.
He's infinite, and we can
never understand Him,
but I'll describe
him for 'ya!"
Well, here's what it's like,
first of all,
first of all, uh,
He knows everything.
He knows
absolutely everything.
I don't even know
what I'm talking about,
He knows what I mean.
Secondly,
He never started and
He's never gonna end.
And third,
He is all powerful.
He can do anything.
He can throw a car
right over a wall.
He's just like us, He's a cool guy,
that's all God is, a cool guy.
That's what all the religions
told us. "He's like us, He's us."
That's what all the big ones,
all the big religions said,
"Love yourself, Love your God,
Love your neighbor,
because you're all
basically the same person.
We just don't have
uniforms yet, that's all."
And we do go for that,
don't we? We kinda buy that.
"Oh, yeah, I'm God. Sure.
Stanley is God. Arlene is God.
God and me are
Arlene and Stanley."
It's a little complicated,
but we do kinda believe that.
And if God is like us,
I think perhaps
he might be subject
to Physical Laws.
I mean,
supernatural?
But subject to
Physical Laws, possibly.
It would explain
a lot of things.
It would explain why He always has
to send an angel as a messenger.
I mean, if He's God,
why doesn't He show up?
"Hey, I got a message
for 'ya, here you go."
He sends an angel. And the angel
always flies in over a mountain.
I mean, that implies that you're
traversing over a phyical space.
So, possibly,
uh, God is subject
to Physical Laws.
People say,
"Well, if God is so benevolent,
how can He
let people suffer?"
He can't help, it lady!
He's subject to
Physical Laws!
Maybe He's only a, uh,
semi Supreme being.
Because He's like us,
and we're not perfect.
I think God may not
be perfect.
I think His work
shows that.
Take a look at
a mountain range.
They're all crooked,
they're never in line.
All different sizes. There are
no two leaves that same.
He can't even give
2 people the same fingerprints!
He's had BILLIONS of years
to work on some of this stuff!
And EVERYTHING
He has ever MADE...
DIED!!
Everything so far!!
So far!
Where did He get
this great reputation?
He's batting .000!
Now, some religions, which are
not to be confused with God.
Some religions
will tell you that it's quite okay
not to worry about your own life.
Religion has a way of
relieving yourself of any
responsibility for your acts.
It was God's will!
It's God's will!
"Oh, I ran over the kid in the
driveway, yes, but don't look at me.
God's will!"
Can't you see
a lynch mob going,
"Let's get this guy, God! That's the
4th kid He's killed this week!"
Religion, religion,
at best, at BEST,
is like a lift
in your shoe.
If you need it
for a while,
and it makes you walk
straight and feel better,
fine.
But you don't
need it forever,
or you can become
permanently disabled.
Religion is like
a lift in the shoe,
and I say just don't ask
me to wear your shoes.
And let's not go down and
nail lifts onto the natives' feet.
Thank you.
Once again,
here's Billy Preston,
with his new hit,
"Fancy Lady."
Oh, honey!
"Boeing Boeing" with Jerry Lewis
is on in ten minutes.
Aw, sweetheart,
I'm tired.
I think I'm just going to
have another glass
of diet root beer
and go to bed, okay?
What was that?!
What's going on?!
Hi, there!
Please,
do not be alarmed!
This is only a simulated
assault and burglery.
Repeat! This is a simulated
assault and burglery!
This could happen to you
at any time, in fact, it just has!
Honey, call the police!
Do something!
No, don't call the police.
I am the police!
I might be, anyway.
Hi, Mr. and Mrs. Kromer.
My name is
Kenny Vorstrather,
and I'm President of
Trojan Horse Home Security.
I broke into your home tonight
to show you just how vulnerable
you and your family are to crime.
I sell a complete range of home
and garden security devices.
You might say
security is my life.
I'm fully qualified to
make you feel secure.
I used to be an
armored truck mechanic,
in Leeber City, Arizona.
And, you, Mr. Kromer,
have the perfect right
to throw me
out of your house.
If you think you can.
If I think I can?!
You're a pretty hefty guy,
Mr. Kromer I ask little lady get prefer
Don't worry, folks, he won't
hurt you! This is my assistant,
he's Vice-President of Trojan Horse Security.
His name is Harvey,
Harvey Morgomaster.
Harvey, like myself,
is a security expert.
He worked in the Army
as a camouflauge artist,
painting the insides
of payroll vaults.
Mr. and Mrs. Kromer,
we offer a total security protection
plan for your family and home.
For instance,
the TPFLM System.
TPFLM?
Tactically-Positioned
Front Lawn Mine.
Or,
how about these
rec room search lights,
color co-ordinated for
fashionable surveillance.
And,
for total protection
in the bathroom,
Toilet Bowl Piranha.
It's a toothy surprise for the
thief who craves relief, Mr. Kromer.
Wait a minute.
If we have
our lawn mined,
what do we need this stuff
inside the house for?
Okay, okay.
That's a very
good question.
I'm going to ask
you a question now.
In the event of
a radioactive firestorm,
how secure are
your foodstuffs?
Oh, we have a fridge.
Okay.
I'm going to ask you to help me
in a small demonstration,
a security technique.
If you could go into
your kitchen right now,
and get me a tomato.
Tomato?
Yeah. Just a common
household tomato.
Green, red, I don't care.
Ripe, unripe.
Okay.
See how frightening
that was?
How effective that
was in stopping you?
Relax! Just blanks!
Just a demonstration, sit down!
Sit down.
Here, hang on
to this chunk!
Feels good,
doesn't it?
I want to talk you, Mrs. Kromer.
My briefcase please, Harvey.
Mrs. Kromer, say, a criminal
entered your kitchen
with intent to preparing
illicit piece of toast.
- Toast?
- Toast.
Only we offer the crisper crust self
detonating fragmentation toaster.
Or there's handy
357 Magnum Mixmaster.
Comes in avocado green.
Yes, and harvest gold.
Here we have the sandwich
sensitive hot plate laser.
Oh, that's very nice.
I'm gonna ask you
a question, Mr. Kromer,
and I want you to
answer me quite honestly.
Would you want your wife to be
sexually assaulted in her own kitchen?
Oh, no.
Of course not.
Mrs. Kromer, would you want to be
sexually assaulted in your own kitchen?
It would depend on
who the person...
Look, Mr. Kromer,
how...
how much would you pay
to keep your family safe?
Would you pay, say,
2 million dollars, if you had it?
If I had it, yeah.
Or, one million dollars?
Sure. If I had
a million, yeah.
Have you got $499.99?
Honey, we were
saving that money!
We were?
You don't think you know
how unsafe your family really is.
For instance,
where's your son, uh...
- Ronnie.
- Ronnie, right now?
He's outside
playing in the yard.
Well, Frank?
Put the kid on, will ya?
We'll take it!
We'll take it!
Okay, let the kid go.
I'm glad you decided.
Here, if you could sign right here,
we'll have the contract drawn up...
In the dawn
of civilization,
long before
the Bronze Age,
man first began his search
for the close shave.
Since then, man has been
ardently striding to design
the perfect
shaving instrument.
From the straight razor,
to the safety razor,
to the injector system,
and finally the highly
acclaimed twinblade cartridge.
Almost perfect, yet not
quite the superlative groom.
Introducing
the Triple-Trac.
Not just two blades
in one system,
but 3 stainless,
platinum teflex-coated blades
melded together to form one
incredible shaving cartridge,
easily fitted into your
old twinblade holder.
Triple-Trac's
triple-threat cartridge,
with more close shaves
than ever before.
Here's how it works.
The first blade
grabs at the whisker,
tugging it away from your face to
protect it from the second blade.
Blade number two
catches and digs
into the stubble before
it has the chance to
snap back and injure you,
pulling it farther out so that
it is now ready for shearing.
Triple-Trac's
third blade,
a finely-honed bonded
platinum instrument,
cuts cleanly through
the whisker at its base,
leaving your face as
smooth as a billiard ball.
The Triple-Trac.
Because
you'll believe anything.
I don't know about you
but I sure could listen to
Janis Ian one more time.
Just wanna thank you all for
having some live fun with us.
You at home and
everybody here.
And wanna thank
all the guests, of course.
Janis Ian,
Billy Preston,
Albert Brooks,
the Muppets,
Valri Bromfield,
Andy Kaufman,
the Not quite Ready
for Prime Time Players
and everyone
who took part in this.
And I would not be
sensible and sane
if I didn't tell ya I got
a brand new album this week.
I hope you'll see it.
Bye-bye.