Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 9 - The Book! - full transcript

- Honey, it happened. I heard from him.
- Heard from who?

That guy Anton
with the medieval Serbian book

that might have a cure for... Whoa.

Your eye is a little wonky there.

Ever since I shoved it back in,
it occasionally drifts.

Would you mind fixing it for me?

Oh, uh...

Come on. I have a really hard time
lining it up straight, okay?

Please? I'll make it up to you.

Sure.

Although I can't quite tell if you're
flirting with me or my flip-flops.



- So, what did Anton say?
- It was a text.

Said he'd meet with me, but only
in public and only if I stop calling him.

- This feels weird.
- Don't think about it.

How many times did you call?

I'm not telling.
You might take my phone away.

He's gonna be at a paranormal conference
today in Oxnard.

He meets you,
you put on your little horror show,

eat a finger,
let him stab you in the stomach,

- and he'll have to let us see that book.
- Okay. Happy about that.

Less happy about being called
a horror show.

Ooh, wait, right there. Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, now press it until you hear a pop.
- No.

Come on.

Go on.



Now we're grooving.

Yay.

Eric's been to a bunch
of these conventions

and said he'd come in case we need help
translating nerd to English.

Hmm. ParanormalCon.

You know, it's too bad
that Anton isn't a hamster

because then we could communicate with him
through Vicky the Pet Psychic.

I know a lot of this seems improbable,
but I also never thought

one day I might be making a Snapple cap
sound with my wife's eyeball.

Hey, everyone. Don't freak out.

Why would we...

Because a cop's
bringing your daughter home.

I got a call from a colleague
who pulled Abby over

for running a stop sign, on a motorcycle
without plates or a VIN number,

in a jacket that says "Pussy Magnet."

- What?
- My God, that's a lot for me to process.

The smartest thing she did
was drop my name to the officer.

Thank you, Rick, for bringing her home.

If you really want to thank me,

you'll invite me over
when you cook up this beautiful meat.

- You doing Korean barbecue?
- Not Korean.

Whatever. It's calling my name.

- Could have, a week ago.
- You were riding a motorcycle?

Are you crazy?
I mean, where did you even get it?

I decided to fix up Dad's bike,
so I took it to this chop shop.

The guy there completely ripped me off,
and then he OD'd and died.

So I took his bike and I would continue
but Dad's already blinking a lot.

Abby, there are about six points
in that story

- where you could've gotten killed.
- Seven, if you include this one.

You could've gotten arrested.
This could go on your permanent record.

You might not get into college.

I might not want to go to college.

- What?
- Who cares what you want?

What your daddy is trying to say
is that we don't care what you want.

- Obviously, we're upset.
- We're upset.

I forgive you.

I'll be upstairs being grounded.

Good, 'cause you're grounded!

God, that felt hollow.

She stole a motorcycle
and doesn't want to go to college.

We're losing control.

I'm gonna skip the convention today
and spend some time with her.

Honey, this guy, Anton,
has the book that might have a cure.

This might be the only chance
we get to talk to him.

Lately, there's always something
more important than Abby.

We have to go buy a meat freezer.
I have to eat the dead guy in the tub.

I gotta go find the femur
I lost in the driveway.

I know we've been distracted,

apparently enough for you to lose
a human bone in the front yard.

- It had rolled under the car. I found it.
- Fantastic.

My point is there'll be plenty of time
for Abby after you're better.

Honey...

I know that you want to believe
there's a cure, but what if there's not?

Don't talk like that. There has to be.

- We have to try, even if it's a long shot.
- It is a long shot.

But it's a sure thing
that my daughter needs me.

And I need to know that if I'm not
gonna be here, she's gonna be okay.

Fine. I'll just go with Eric.

How hard can it be to get
a nervous paranoid recluse

to show me his most prized possession?

I have faith in you.

I also believe that you won't be
the only guy at a paranormal convention

without a woman on his arm.

Thank you for taking Eric
to the freak convention.

He's so excited
he took two showers. He sweats.

Please, leave us something to talk about.
So, how are you doing?

I'm good.

Dan's partner, Anne,
has been keeping me distracted.

She comes, like, all the time.

That must be... nice.

Really nice.

Eric, you have a gentleman caller.

Mom, you don't have
to sexualize everything.

- He's not wrong.
- Oh, you two.

Hey, you told me you would clean up
your room before you left.

- I'll do it when I get home.
- Promise is a promise, mister.

- Do it now.
- Okay.

Have fun today. I love you.

Ohh!

Goddamn, you still have
that new baby smell.

Ohh...

- I didn't hear any of that.
- Excellent.

Hey, thanks again
for taking me to the convention.

Dan never went to these with me.

He said it should be called
a para-not-normal convention.

I told him that's what paranormal
already meant,

then he accidentally spilled beer
on my Xbox.

- So, any news about finding your stepdad?
- You mean since you killed him?

Oh, that's a thing that you know.

Abby told me.

I'm really sorry, Eric.

He kept pushing me and pushing me,
and I just snapped.

Hey, it could happen to...

Well, "anybody" is probably
too broad of a category

when talking about murdering someone
with a shovel.

I am not a murderer.

Okay, technically, I am.
Not even technically. Literally.

But I refuse to be defined
by the one time I murdered somebody.

But enough about me.
How are you holding up?

I've stopped sleeping.

Every time I close my eyes,
I see Dan calling to me.

Oh, Jesus, Eric. I am so sorry.

No, I'm just messing with you.

Dan was an awful man
and I'm glad he's gone.

Do you know how to fold a hoodie?

Yeah.

The secret is to not give a shit,
'cause I have to save my wife. Let's go.

- And I hang mine in the closet.
- You hang it, okay.

After we return the motorcycle,

I thought we could go have tea
at that cute little tea shop?

Like when you were little?

Remember, that place with the scones?

If you don't answer, will I end
every sentence in a question? Yes?

I don't see
why we have to return the bike.

The guy's dead. He doesn't care.

Well, I'm dead and I care.

You took something
that doesn't belong to you.

You need to learn that's wrong.

Oh, excuse me, sir? Do you work here?

Hey, that's my brother's bike.

Oh, you're the deceased's brother.

I'm so sorry. He was a great man.

What the fuck are you doing with his bike?

My daughter borrowed it
and wants to return it.

Borrowed it or stoled it?

Uh, well, since she's bringing it back,
definitely borrowed.

And "stoled" is not a word.

What? How is he gonna learn?

- College.
- Smooth.

While I enjoy mother/daughter stuff
on the Internet,

this isn't working for me.

So why don't you get out of here
before I press charges.

I'm the one who should be
pressing charges.

Your brother took my money
and didn't fix my bike.

My brother was a stupid fucking idiot,
so if he ripped you off,

- that makes you a stupider fucking idiot.
- All right.

I was just trying to teach my daughter
a lesson about doing the right thing

but having experienced you, I think
you should give her the money back.

Now.

Fine. Fuck it. I'll get it for you.

Wait here.

See?

Now we're learning another lesson.

If you treat people firmly
but with respect...

...you're more likely
to get what you want.

- He's not coming out.
- It would appear not.

Now what lesson are we learning?

To let it go.

We're gonna go have our tea

and we're not gonna let our day
be ruined by some pervert

who can't even look us in the eye
when he's cheating us.

What kind of tea are you gonna get?

Probably like a nice steaming cup of...
fuck you, motherfucker!

You donkey fucker,
give us our fucking money back!

I think we're gonna do different
mother/daughter stuff today.

Awesome.
Can we not call it mother/daughter stuff?

- I know. He totally ruined that.
- Yeah.

- Hey.
- Where is this guy?

He'll be here.
Check it out. I got a churro saber.

This place feels a little less
than scientific.

Don't lose your faith.
Anton is the real deal.

He's got files proving
the government's been suppressing

the existence of the undead.

- Bite?
- Pass.

Yeah, it's not very good.
Once you get food over three feet long,

it's more about structural integrity
than flavor.

- Excuse me. I'm trying to find someone.
- Someone?

Yeah. His name's Anton.

- Anton?
- Hey, Bordan.

- Eric.
- Oh, you two know each other?

Hi, I'm Joel, Eric's friend.

I'm thirsty.

What the hell was that?

These people aren't like you.
You can't come on that strong.

"I'm Joel" is too strong?

Yes, with those piercing eyes
and perfect posture,

you're like that hundred foot tall
Christ statue overlooking Rio.

You need to be more like... well, Bordan.

I'm not sure I can do that,
because I can operate a juice box.

Well, you're gonna have to try
'cause Anton just came in.

Oh, my God, that's him?

- Come on, I need answers.
- Whoa, Jack Bauer, dial it down.

Less...
"I need answers,"

and more... "Excuse me,
hi, I'm so sorry. Um, I have a question."

Yeah.

There's got to be
something in here we can use

to get that guy out of there
so we can talk to him.

I have tear gas
that Eric and I stole from Dan.

Oh, my God, you stole tear gas from Dan?

Dad killed him and you ate him.

Yes, we haven't been
the best role models lately,

but that's what today is about.

We're going to find a non-violent solution
to your problem.

Oh, look.
It's my old college pencil.

- What?
- Not really.

I'm just looking for a way
to talk to you about college.

Why don't you want to go?

Maybe I just want to live a little freer.

You know, like you do now,
less about planning and the future

and more about living in the moment.

Yes, it's fun to be carefree
and spontaneous,

and less hirable
in a depressed job market.

Plans are important too, honey.

Plans? A couple of weeks ago you said
I should drop out of school and be a poet.

Sometimes I say things impulsively now.

That's why I'm not allowed back
at Starbucks anymore,

where that bitch works.

Mom, I'm old enough
to make my own decisions.

I'm not a little girl who needs to...

listen to Raffi to fall asleep.

Oh, my God, Raffi.

You used to play him over and over
and over until I couldn't take it anymore.

♪ Baby beluga ♪

♪ Oh, baby beluga ♪

♪ Is the water warm? ♪

♪ Is your mama home with you so happy? ♪

You know what might help?

Strap this to the front of the car
and drive it through his door.

♪ Baby beluga, oh... ♪

1950s...

the government secretly detonates nukes
over Bikini Atoll, poisoning thousands.

1960s, the CIA secretly tests
its MKUltra mind control project.

2012, a man in Florida
eats another man's face

and they want you to think
that he's high on bath salts?

If you believe that, I got
a Japanese sex doll to sell you, unused.

Uh, didn't you also recently
discover evidence

of an undead anomaly
in 19th century Poland?

- Very good.
- Thank you.

Rybnik, 1870.

Three priests walk into a tavern and, no,
that is not the beginning of a joke.

A local farmer set upon them
and ate them down to their collars.

I have the pictures.

The government came up
with all sorts of excuses:

bad vodka, poisonous flowers, Jews.

What about Serbia?

What?

Didn't your research also uncover a book
about an event in Serbia or not?

I don't know.

16th century Pozica.
You've done your homework.

Yeah. Big fan. I'm Joel.

Oh, you're the guy
who's called me a billion times.

May I see the book, please?

I don't know you
and I don't take it out in public,

but I do keep a digitized version of it
along with ten gigs

of paranormal, classified documents
right here on this thumb drive.

This is the truth, my friends.
Look at it!

Now, stop looking at it.

I'm just kidding, you can look at it.
No, don't!

Too many people want this

and I don't want your lives
to be in the same danger as mine.

- I need to see it.
- Whoa!

Look at this guy.

What is your deal?
You work for the government?

- Does anyone here know this dude?
- I do.

He's cool.

SpaceBaller 2000.
I moderate the Zombie Town subreddit.

Well, if SpaceBaller 2000 vouches for him
then I guess I can let my guard down.

Good reflexes.

Bet you played a lot of ball

before you sold out
and joined Big Brother.

I'm not with the government.
I just need your help.

Nice try blending in, you handsome
thick-haired son of a bitch.

I knew I should've bought you a hat.

Mom, it's not working.

Hey, put Raffi back on.
He makes me happy.

Yeah. He makes everybody happy.

That's why
he's a multi-generational success.

You and your daughter's asses
are a multi-generational success.

Stop reducing us to only sexual beings.

Oh, keep talking,
I'm almost finished.

Goddammit.

- You okay?
- Okay.

New lesson:
if at first you don't succeed...

- then blast his ass with tear gas.
- Yeah!

Yeah, you do!

Put your pants on, bitch,
'cause you're coming out!

Thirteen, fourteen, fifteen, sixteen.

- This is it. Chop shop's right under us.
- Okay.

You hold open the grate,
I'll drop the tear gas into the vent.

- You sure you know what you're doing?
- Yeah, I teargassed Sarah's ex-boyfriend.

- Cole? Oh, my God. I almost ate that guy.
- Really?

Mm-hmm.

We're learning so much
about each other today.

Oh, shit, it's the wrong unit!

We're right over the chop shop.

What kind of screwed up
ventilation system do they have here?

- We teargassed two innocent people.
- Uh...

I just wanted to spend a nice day
with my daughter and set a good example.

What the fuck happened?

I should at least stop cussing.
That's not even that fucking hard.

I need that flash drive.

I should've brought a shovel.
I've gotten pretty good with a shovel.

Remember, we're not letting
that one murder define us.

Look, Anton thinks you're government,
let me talk to him.

Hey. So you moderate
that Zombie Town subreddit.

Oh, you're a fan? Uh, uh...

I'm super busy right now but, uh,
I guess I could sign something.

No, actually, I just wanted
to ask you a few questions

about the, uh, undead subject
you've been in contact with.

What undead subject?

Uh, he's been writing
about a post-mortem female

who's killed and consumed several people.

- What?
- Yeah.

You have?

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Are you posting about Sheila?
You put my whole family at risk.

I thought someone might know something.

Really? Or were you just trying to win
some nerd popularity contest?

Ooh, that hurts.

Maybe I wasn't thinking clearly
because my dual-income household

was just reduced
to a single-income household.

I knew you weren't cool with me
killing your stepdad.

I thought I was, but when a squid's
under attack he throws out ink.

You're not a squid,
you're a boy who smells like a baby.

- I thought you didn't hear that.
- Of course I heard it.

I'm done messing around.
I'm doing this my way.

I can't believe this day
got away from me.

I had fun.

Yeah, me too, but I wanted it
to be about more than that.

Right. You wanted me to learn something.

Mom, I know the past tense of stole

and today I realized that air vents don't
always line up with the unit below them.

- I have all the tools I need.
- Yeah.

But you also stole a motorcycle, and now
you don't even want to go to college.

Why do I have to decide
about college right now?

Because I need to make sure
you're gonna be okay if I'm not here.

Not here? What are you talking about?

One of my toes fell off
and this eye is a bit of a jumper.

Little bugger doesn't want
to stay in its socket.

What are you saying, you're dying?

I mean, like, really dying?

I don't know.

- Oh, my God.
- We're trying to figure it out.

Your dad is actually meeting
with a guy today

who might be able to help me.

- And you didn't go with him?
- No.

Because I wanted to do
mother/daughter stuff.

And, yes, I'm taking that phrase back.

Is it too late to get tea?

Stop peeing.

- I can't.
- I said stop.

Oh, God.

Okay, I stopped.
What do you want?

My wife's life is in danger
and yours is, too,

if you don't give me that flash drive.

- You're peeing again.
- I can't help it.

Here, just take it.

Finally. Is it encrypted?

No.

And just so you don't get really,
really mad and stalkery later,

there's nothing on it.

Then where's the book?

I need the goddamn book.

I don't have it, I swear.
I just pretended I did.

All these people
want something to believe in.

I'm just here to help them with that.
My name's not even Anton, it's Artie.

- Artie?
- Yeah, Joel?

I wasn't addressing you,
I was digesting it.

Oh.

If it's all made up,
why is the government after you?

They're not. I just say that
'cause it gives me credibility.

So it's all bullshit?

You gave everyone false hope
there's a cure?

A cure for what?

- You son of a bitch.
- Ow!

Just get out.

Fuck! Now what?

Shame about Anton.

We had high hopes for him.

But when you work in the field
of necrobiology

you get used to a lot of dead ends.

Ooh, another mysterious
and intriguing person.

I really want to know more.

Did she throw up a red ball?

Was her transition also marked
by a lack of impulse control,

an unchecked libido?

We destroyed a changing table
in a Target bathroom.

I think that covers both.

Who are you?

I'm no one but the woman who sends me
to these things might be able to help you.

She's an ex-CDC scientist
who specializes in fringe virology.

I'll tell her to expect your call.

Dr. Cora Wolf.

- You know, I've had a tough couple of...
- This is real.

It's a good thing Eric posted about this
or I would've never found you.

- Come on, we're leaving.
- Joel, wait. I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have talked
about Sheila online,

and you were right, I was trying
to impress all these people.

You've been cool your whole life
but I've always been...

well, invisible.

So, I was wrong and it won't happen again.

I'm sorry, I was thinking about
how handsome I am. What?

- Seriously?
- Of course not. What do you think I am?

I heard you.

But did you really think
you could get away

- with stealing government documents?
- What?

I'm taking you in, Eric Bemis!

Oh, my God, you're making me
so impressive right now.

Shut up!

You're under arrest for knowing more
than any one man has the right to.

I won't shut up!

You can put my body back
in hibernation fluid

but my mind will always roam free!

- Too big?
- I certainly wouldn't go any bigger.

- Sheila?
- I'm in here.

- How'd it go with Anton?
- Total fraud.

I almost hit him,
and I'm not sure I would've stopped.

Oh, no.

I keep telling myself
I'm not that guy, but maybe I am.

Maybe we're both different people now.

So we'll be different together.

I got a card for a doctor up north.

- I know it's another long shot, but...
- Whatever it is, I'm in.

You are?

Abby's gonna grow up
to be an amazing woman,

and I want to be around
to see as much of that as I can.

So if there's a chance for a cure,
no matter how much of a long shot,

I wanna take it.

Thank God.

On the way home, I came up with this
whole speech to try to talk you into it.

Yeah, it ended like that.

Hmm.

Hello?

Oh, Mr. Hammond.
I've been expecting your call.

I see.

And how long has she been like this?

Really?

Fascinating.