Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 8 - How Much Vomit? - full transcript

Hello.

I'm sorry, I'm not in the mood.

To say "hello"?

I know your "hello's," honey,

and that one was pouring me
a glass of wine.

Well, it's been a few days and I guess
I've just gotten used to the frequency,

intensity and sheer insanity
of your undead libido.

It hasn't been that crazy.

Sweetheart, we had sex in the bathroom
at Target 'cause their logo turned you on.

It's obviously designed
to look like a clitoris.

I'm just feeling
a little low energy.



Maybe I need to eat people
with more iron in their diet.

It's okay. We don't have to break
a baby changing table every day.

How about I give you a foot massage?
No strings attached.

Uh...

- I have to bake brownies.
- Now? It's 1:00 a.m.

We have to check in on Lisa tomorrow
so people don't get suspicious.

And nothing says
"We didn't kill your husband"

like a fresh plate of brownies.

Can I at least lick the spoon?

Give me something.

So Dan is still officially
considered missing,

but I may have to face the fact
that he's never coming back.

- That's terrible.
- We are so sorry.

- Can I have a brownie?
- Of course.



Makes it a little easier
knowing Dan was a crooked cop

with a hundred grand stashed away
while I'm running around

with a $40 Michael Kors knock-off.

- Fuck you, that's a fake?
- That's why I can't wear it in the rain.

- Sounds like everyone's moving on nicely.
- Kebab time.

- Oh, hello. I didn't know we had visitors.
- Oh, it's you.

Here. How wonderful.

Joel, Sheila, you remember Anne,
Dan's partner?

She has been so helpful to me
and Eric these past couple days.

- I think it's what Dan would want.
- Such a rock.

- Wow.
- Uh-huh.

You guys want some shish kebabs?

No, thank you, we're not kebab people.

And we just came by to check on Lisa.

And now having done that, we will return
to our home to watch television.

Did you tell them about that guy Loki?

That guy Loki?

We thought Dan had killed
this drug dealer, Loki.

We found his apartment trashed,
blood everywhere.

But it turns out, the guy's not dead.

Mmm.

Mmm!

Mmm!

- Nothing beats a juicy, fresh tomato.
- Anne grows tomatoes in her garden.

I thought they would be too dry this year.

Tomatoes. What can't they do?

Vote? Drive? I don't know. But, Loki?

Oh, yeah, he was holed up
at the Starlight Motel.

Said this couple was trying to bite him.

He must have gotten into some bad drugs
because he also vomited everywhere.

So Dan's not a double murderer.

Just a single murderer,
who had $100,000

and told me we couldn't afford
a housekeeper once a month.

Exactly how much vomit
are we talking about here, Anne?

So much vomit.

We all thought he died.
But next day, he was gone.

This is a weird question,
but did you happen to find

something that looked like
a small red ball?

No.

Just this medium red ball.

Oh, my God.

- I'd call that small, Esther.
- Maybe. I have little hands.

- Still.
- Did he leave anything else?

Notebook. I will not guess its size.

That's medium.

- Look.
- "Must kill"?

Oh, God. We're nice
and we've already killed three people.

Can you imagine what an undead person

who started out as a murderer
is going to do?

- And it's all our fault.
- We are such assholes.

We have to stop him.

I think we bought too much stuff.

We've never killed a dead person before.
I don't know how to shop for that.

You could start
by staying out of the cosmetics aisle.

I needed a brush.

Just once I'd like to come home from
a store with only the stuff on our list.

Oh, I don't remember a men's
manicure kit being on our list.

Now I don't have to borrow yours.

Look, the whole system broke down
after you bought the brush.

I just embraced the chaos.

Tight.

Does this hat
make me look like The Edge?

No. Wait, yes.
What do you want to hear?

- Well, I'm wearing it.
- You look awesome.

Do you think we should get a gun?

Statistically, if we have a gun,

we're 2.7 times more likely
to hurt ourselves than Loki.

As is our right.

I think between the icepick
and your hammer-knife thing

and your beautiful nails,
we're gonna get the job done.

Get what job done?

The same job we do every day:
selling a house.

It's in a bad neighborhood.

The bigger question is,
why aren't you in school?

'Cause I'm selling a house
in a bad neighborhood.

See how lame that excuse sounds?

We said we'd be honest
with each other, okay?

I did not have a class last period.
Your turn.

Sweetie, we are not going to lie
to you anymore.

But being honest does not mean
that we are going to involve you

in something where I may
or may not look like The Edge.

Do you have any thoughts on this?

Yeah. Take it off.
And take me with you.

You're clearly about to do
the coolest thing

- that anyone in this family's ever done.
- You're not going.

And we did that water jet pack thing
together and that was pretty cool.

And you got to do it twice
and I only got to go once,

even though it was my idea.

This sucks. And that jet pack thing
was not your idea.

That mortgage broker gave you his Groupon
because he was too fat to fly.

Are we wrong?

We've made mistakes as parents
but we've never taken our kid to a murder.

I think we should hold firm on that.

The hat's out.

Hey. Came from
a Matrix movie marathon.

Loki is gonna kill someone here
in front of all these people?

He's completely out of control.

Uh... Joel?

Loki?

We definitely bought too much stuff.

It's my dad's.
I want to fix it up and ride it.

Why should my parents be the only ones
who get to do cool stuff?

- You mean kill people?
- It's only bad people.

Come on. One of the wheels is frozen.
Give me a hand.

Oh, uh, where are we taking it?

There is an illegal chop shop
like two rows down.

Chop shop?
They chop things up, not fix them.

You're cute when you're scared.

Well, there's a lot more
where that came from.

Sure, cupcake, I can fix it for you.

I take cash, grass, or ass.
And I'm good on cash and grass.

- Dude, I'm 16.
- Yeah, me, too.

Nobody wants to fuck you, shit stain.

Noted.

Look, I have $400.
How soon can you get it done?

- Tomorrow.
- Awesome.

- For 1200.
- 1200?

This is two years of babysitting money.
It's all I have.

I'm so sorry. Turns out
I don't give a fuck about your problem.

- Shit.
- Maybe I can help.

Wha...?

- Where did you get that?
- Oh, this?

Took it from my stepdad's stash.

And you've just been carrying it around
waiting for a cool time to pull it out?

Well, yesterday at the froyo place
I gave the girl an $89 tip

but neither of you were looking.
So... maybe I can help.

My whole world changed
in that motel room.

It's like I chucked up everything
that was holding me back

and woke up with this new energy and...

Focus? That's exactly what I felt.
Do you sleep?

- Barely.
- Me neither.

Do you feel pain?

Never. I carried a beehive
out of our front yard.

I stared at the sun for an hour.

I ate a bottle to drive
some drunks out of a park.

- You did? When was this?
- Thursday.

I can't believe we were gonna
stab you in the brain.

We have so much in common.

I have a question.

In your notebook it says
you "must kill" tonight at 8:00?

Who are you planning on killing, Loki?

- Everyone.
- Jesus.

With my music.

I was actualizing what I wanted to happen
in my performance.

And it worked.
A couple from Chatsworth bought a CD.

That's wonderful. I... I want one.

Oh. Loki: So Alive. I love it.

It's ironic, but the irony
is for such a specific audience.

$19, seems steep.

And there's only seven songs
and one's a reprise, so six.

Isn't it wonderful how being undead

frees us to be who we want to be?

Yes! Music was always my passion.

But I had no self-esteem,
so instead I embraced violence,

like a drop of dew
embraces a blade of grass.

- Hmm.
- Hang on a second.

"Like a drop of dew
embraces a blade of grass."

That's good.

Really? You like that? I think
the imagery feels a little familiar.

I think it's beautiful.
"Blade of grass." Blade? Violence?

It's the twist on the familiar
that makes it so profound.

So we disagree.

So who are you planning on eating, Loki?
'Cause you are killing people, right?

- It's not all just singin' and dancin'.
- I made a deal with my old gang.

They let me go,
and if they need to get rid of a body

they leave it in my van
in the Magic Mountain parking lot.

By the way, that's, like,
the third sketchiest thing

happening in that parking lot.

Hey, you guys should join me
for a meal sometime.

Actually, Joel doesn't eat people.

He's not one of us.

Oh. That's cool.

You think? 'Cause it feels
like you're being judgmental.

Honey, do you think you could
pay our tab so we could leave?

Also, uh, put something
in Loki's tip jar for the CD.

- Please, that would be an insult.
- Done.

Thank you, honey, so much.

My fucking toe fell off.

- What?
- The little one, it just dropped off.

Has anything like that happened to you?

- No. That must be awful.
- I haven't told Joel yet.

He's not gonna be able
to handle me deteriorating.

- Maybe I can help you.
- Really?

We're the only two like us.
We have to look out for each other.

And learn from each other.

Thank you.
And may I share something with you?

If you miss eating pizza,
eat a man who just ate pizza.

Smart.

Mr. Magnet! Open up. It's Abby.

Uh, the underage redhead
you wanted to bone.

He might not remember your name.

The padlock's off the door.

Oh, my God.

Whoa.

Damn.

Is that heroin?

Judging by the smile on his face,
I'm guessing it's not insulin.

- Check his pulse.
- You check his pulse.

- He liked you better.
- Yes, he did!

He's cold.

Should we call the police?

Here's my perspective on that.

We hired a guy who does illegal stuff
to fix a bike

we're not legally allowed to ride
with money I stole from a corrupt cop

whose body is in your parents' freezer.

So, no.

I get that.

Okay. Let's grab my dad's bike
and get out of here.

Where is it?

I think it's everywhere.

He took our money
and chopped it up for parts?

Wow. What a valuable learning experience.
Shall we go?

When my parents see my dad's bike
is missing they're gonna freak out.

- Huh.
- What?

I'm just thinking, my mom eats people,
and this is a person.

Those are both true statements,

but I don't like the way
you're connecting them.

They're gonna be mad
about the bike, anyway.

If we keep him, my mom gets
a few meals out of it

and I get to show them
I can handle their world.

Plus, something tells me
Travis would enjoy a woman eating him.

Oh, hi. How are you?

- I'm fine. What's that?
- Just a text.

- Is it Loki?
- I can't tell you that.

That would be a violation
of my Fourth Amendment right to privacy.

That's interesting.
You haven't cited that amendment before.

Well, I'm citing it now
because, well, I take the Fifth on that.

It's just hard to see you
connecting with someone

when you and I haven't exactly been
burning up the bed sheets,

we literally did last week
when our candle play got out of hand.

So can I please see the text
to put my mind at ease?

- Are you saying you don't trust me?
- Of course I trust you.

You know what, I'mma go downstairs,
make a sandwich, and...

watch the game.

He's too big. Plus,
he won't bend, he's got rigor mortis.

Damn it. You try to do something nice
for your family.

Okay. Weird idea?
If we break his elbows and kneecaps,

we can bend his limbs the wrong way
and maybe Tetris the whole thing in.

Wow. Okay.

Sure, I took karate as a kid.
Yeah, grab his leg.

Okay.

Okay. Here we go.

Ready? I'm gonna...
I'm gonna snap this dead guy's leg.

You don't have to do this, Abby.

If he's still in one piece,
we can put him back.

- But once we break him, we own him.
- My parents kill people.

My mom puts them in blenders
and eats them. I can do this.

On three. Ready?

One... two...

- Can I look?
- Not yet.

- No peeking.
- Okay.

Now.

Wow. A box full of feet.

I only needed the one toe
but you got me a literal foot locker.

We can match the perfect color and size,

and I know a doctor who can clip off
the toe and sew it on you.

All he'll want is some cocaine
and a handwritten thank you note.

Well, that's great,
but where did you get all these?

From small, bad men
who were no longer using them.

Well, if they were just going to waste...

Mmm... Sheila.

Your skin is so soft and cold.

What are you doing?

Sheila, as far as we know, we're
the only people like us in the world.

- We should be together.
- What? I'm married.

I've only met you twice
and both times I was trying to kill you.

So our relationship starts
from a place of passion.

No, this is crazy. I love my husband.

It's just... really disappointing.

Even dead men and women
can't be friends.

Fuck.

I will never give up, my evening rose.

"I will never give up, my evening rose."

Also...

murder Joel.

I'll wipe off my fingerprints.

I'm such an idiot.

I lost your money,

I let some creep chop my dad's bike up
into a million pieces.

My parents are right.
I'm not ready for anything.

Seriously?

Abby, you are the most awesome,
capable person I've ever met.

You tear-gassed a drug dealer.

You gave me the confidence
to stand up to my stepdad.

You saved your parents
from a murder charge

with just a flashlight
like you're freakin' MacGyver.

Was that too honest? Was it just weird?
Do you know who MacGyver is?

Yes.

And you're always weird.

All right, so was the needle
in his right arm, or his left?

I don't remember, uh,
but I think it was in his left.

- Okay.
- Careful.

All right, here we go. You ready?

One, two...

and I'll just put it right here,
that's good.

What's that?

When'd you learn
how to drive a motorcycle?

Now.

Oh.

- Whoo-hoo!
- Motherfuckers!

Joel?

Joel?

Whassup, Santa Clarita?

March 27, 2000: that sign
stood in front of our first listing.

- Everyone said we'd never sell it.
- The two-bedroom colonial.

- With the unpermitted garage.
- We closed at asking.

Afterward, to mark the occasion,

I made you the only meal
I knew how to cook.

Spaghetti and meatballs. Ohh.

- This is so sweet. I wish I could eat it.
- You can.

It's made from 100 percent free-range Dan.

- Really?
- The noodles are striated biceps.

The meatballs are from...
Honestly, I don't know where they're from.

It was a horrible mess.
Somewhere in the chest cavity.

- I can't believe you did all this.
- It wasn't easy. I puked twice.

Also, I think we're gonna have
to throw out the pasta maker.

I left it to soak,
but it's not looking good.

Did you try vinegar and baking soda?
That's how I got Gary out of my shoes.

Oh.

I shouldn't have made
such a big deal about Loki.

It just freaked me out
you two having so much in common.

But then I realized we've spent
half our lives together.

No one will ever have more in common
with you than I do.

That's wonderful. And you're right,
Loki is no threat to you.

Sheila!

What are you doing?
I told you I'm not interested.

And what's with the door, man?

- You totally fucked up our door.
- I have the answer to your toe problem.

- You have a toe problem?
- I was going to tell you...

Her toe fell off. She knew
you wouldn't be able to handle it.

- Your toe fell off? Oh, my God!
- See?

- Shut up.
- You shut up.

No, you, and I'm really pissed
about the door.

- Guys!
- Sheila, come away with me,

and your toe problem won't be a problem,

because I will accept you
no matter how much you deteriorate.

You and I are the same.
We should be together.

Okay, look, clearly neither one of us
wants to fight. And I don't blame us.

I mean, look how big we are...

and how strong.

Sorry, Joel, you seem like a nice man,

but for Sheila to be free...

she has to stop clinging to her past.

- Whassup!
- Come on!

Let's go, go.

We have to kill him.
It's our only way out.

- I know. So why did we come upstairs?
- To get our weapons.

You mean the ones
we weren't going to use

so I put them back in the kitchen
and the garage?

- Yes, those!
- Don't you get upset with me.

You're the one who bought me
that Japanese tidying-up book.

I just wanted your shoes
out of the hallway.

Sheila!

- Quick, barricade the door.
- Okay.

Why didn't you want me to know about
your toe? That why we weren't having sex?

- You didn't want me to see it?
- Yes.

- Honey, I can handle it.
- I don't know if I can handle it.

Okay? What if this keeps happening to me?
What if I'm breaking apart?

What if I lose control
and you have to kill me?

What if we're too young to get married?
What if we can't sell a house?

What if this baby changing table
can't support our weight?

We'll figure it out, honey.
We always have.

- Or we'll just die right here.
- At least we'll die together.

- Huh.
- Sheila! This is the right thing.

In time you'll see it.

I take back everything I said
about that brush.

I got the body in the car.
Are you sure you can't eat him?

- It seems like such a waste.
- The undead can't eat the undead.

They're too... dead.

Come here. I want to see your toe.

I don't think so.
Maybe you never have to see it.

Maybe I just can have sex
with my socks on.

Or... heels. Bet you'd like that,
wouldn't you?

I would. But eventually
I'd want to take them off of you.

Okay, get ready to have whatever
the opposite of a boner is.

Is that it? That's nothing.

So far.
But what if it's just the beginning?

Honey, we're gonna be okay.
We're gonna find a cure.

I've left messages for that guy
with the Serbian book.

- But he didn't call you back.
- We will find him, I promise you.

In the meantime, you and I
are gonna get through this togeth...

The fuck is that?

- What?
- Wow.

Uh-oh.