Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 7 - Strange or Just Inconsiderate? - full transcript

Life has been so hectic lately.
Work is crazy.

They gave us all new keyboards.

Oh, you're done. I thought
you were gonna list more things.

I have more, but it would just
stress me out to talk about it, so...

I know, my life lately is just...

The baby's teething,
my sister won another award for bravery.

She carried two Navy SEALs
to her helicopter.

"Julie has upper body strength,
let's all give her a prize."

And somebody at work
is stealing my breast milk.

I think it's Todd.
He's the only one who eats cereal.

- So there were more things.
- So how are you?



My life's been... a little intense.

What? Tell me. And be very specific.

Well, the other day...

- I misplaced my pen.
- Aww.

- But then I found it.
- Oh.

So with all that craziness going on,

tomorrow we're taking a family day
at the beach.

There's this food truck
that Abby loves near the pier.

They sell fresh oysters
and you shuck them yourself.

- Oh, that sounds wonderful.
- Oh, it's heaven.

You throw your blanket down,
we listen to the waves.

- Not a care in the world.
- God, I love the beach. It's so peaceful.

When I was a little girl,
we'd go there and fly kites.

Oh, fuck!



I fucking love kites.

In the fucking sky,
amongst the fucking clouds.

Boy, you're unusually passionate
about kites. That's awesome!

How have we never talked about this?
Do you prefer single line or double?

Whatever makes them go! Go!

Go that way!

- So exciting. We have to fly together.
- Oh, my God, we do.

- But right now, you have got to leave.
- What? Why?

Why? Because...

it's canning season and the peaches
may already have gone bad.

- You like canning, too?
- Get out!

- What happened?
- I killed Dan.

I thought you were just going
to talk to him.

Negotiations broke down,
so I hit him in the head with a shovel.

- Oh, my God!
- It just happened.

He was threatening to send you to jail
and saying mean things,

and you kinda had to be there.

Come on, grab his leg.

- Let's get him inside.
- Okay.

I really appreciate you
wanting to protect me from him.

It's so sweet. It's so gallant.

Oh, but I can't believe
you killed our neighbor...

- I know. I know.
- who is a sheriff.

And it's just funny
because you're always telling me

we won't survive it
if I act impulsive and...

Honey?

- So sweet, so gallant!
- Yeah.

Now lift his torso. I don't want him
leaving a stain on our floor.

And knowing Dan,
he's gonna want to leave a stain.

Mmm. That coffee smells great.

I love coffee. Think about it.

It's a bean that you drink.

- Are you high?
- No.

I'm just feeling very grateful
about coffee.

Now?

Okay... we need to get Dan out of here
and into the storage unit.

Right. But we can't drag him to the car
in broad daylight.

No.

If someone hadn't converted the garage
to a home office

we could pull the car in,
load the body without anyone seeing.

Well, someone uses that home office
as much as I do.

I don't think someone does,
but let's drop it.

- Fine, it's dropped. But they do.
- Fine.

I'll go to the storage unit,
get the trunk and dolly,

so we can load the body
and wheel it to the car,

which will never again be in the garage.

You really want to criticize
my decision-making

in front of our neighbor
you just killed with a shovel?

Yes.

Easy, easy.

Would it be weird if I took his watch?
It'd be weird.

Gary did that too.
A dead woman would never do that.

- Ooh! I can't believe you eat this.
- You eat meat.

Even after we saw
that slaughterhouse documentary.

I cut out veal and I limited bacon
to the weekends, that's all I can do.

Okay, on three. One, two, three!

Shit.

Shit!

Let's not answer it.

It's Rick.

He knows we're home.
Our cars are out front.

- Because we don't have a garage.
- Fuck you.

- That's helpful.
- Guys, open up! I got news about Dan.

How can there be news?
I just killed him an hour ago.

Well, now if we don't open the door
we're really gonna look suspicious.

Plus, we should see what he knows.

Let's get him in the closet.

Oh, I forgot. This is where we keep
all the stuff we used to keep...

Yes, I'm sorry, there's no room
for the dead guy you came home with.

Hey. Oh.

Hey, Rick. You got some news about Dan?

I was just coming back from a run and...
Are you guys all right? You look flushed.

- We were fighting.
- We were having sex.

We were having sex
and it turned into fighting.

- He tried a move I didn't care for.
- Still learning.

You said something about Dan
or something?

You won't believe this.
I just ran into his partner outside.

Apparently, she came to pick him up
for his shift this morning

and he's missing.

- Can I get some water?
- Oh! No, no, no. No!

You may not. You are the guest.
We are the hosts.

I will get some water, you stay here
with Joel and finish your story.

Gentlemen.

Thank you.

So, what was the move?

- You were talking about Dan.
- Right.

So get this: his partner finds
the front door unlocked, but no Dan.

His car's in the driveway,
his phone's on the coffee table,

his mini breakfast quiche
is still in the microwave.

So sorry about that. All me.

I farted. I did that.

So Dan's partner called it in,

and now there's a couple of squad cars
looking around the neighborhood.

Oh, I hope they find him
so I can give him shit

about being too lazy
to bake a proper quiche.

Ahh. Thanks for the water. I'll just...

Mmmwah!

You are so welcome!

Well, thanks for stopping by.

You take it from here.

Oh, by the way, that guy Anton
you were looking for?

- I found his number.
- Really?

Tell me the move.

You can't handle the move.

Oh, God.

Fucking top-heavy Dan
and his narcing butthole.

This is great.
Rick got that guy's number.

- What guy?
- The guy with the Serbian book

that might have a cure.

- I'm gonna call him.
- Maybe tomorrow's project.

- Right. Dan.
- What are we gonna do?

We can't just take him out of here.
Now there's a sheriff next door.

We can't leave him here.
Abby's gonna be home soon.

Okay, we have to stash him somewhere,
somewhere Abby would never look.

- A bookshelf?
- I was gonna say a dishwasher.

Maybe in her trombone that cost us $600.

Or under the paddleboard
she used four times.

- Master bath.
- Good.

She hasn't gone in there since
she walked in on us in the tub.

That was funny.

That's a five-hour solution at best.
We need a plan.

I've always loved it in here.

The way the light comes in
and dances with the colors on the wall.

This room isn't just a place
I have to use, it's a place I want to use.

Hey, buddy. Focus.

All right? We're looking for a plan,
not a blurb for Better Homes and Gardens.

- Seriously, are you okay?
- Yeah, fine.

We'll wait for the sheriffs to leave,
go get a new trunk,

- and move him to the storage unit tonight.
- Yes.

County sheriff.

- Motherfucker!
- Shit!

Try not to kill this one.

You've killed twice
as many people as I have.

...as I have.

Wow.

So tomorrow, I'm going to the beach
with my parents.

I'm actually looking forward to it.
There's this oyster truck we always go to.

And the oysters are, like, okay,
but the guy gave me a beer once.

Cool. Should we go get a coffee?

I feel like we should stop
and get a coffee.

You're nervous about going home
and seeing Dan, aren't you?

When I left this morning,
he was going to plant his rosebushes

so I'm pretty sure the flash bang went off
and it was a huge mistake

and he's gonna kill me
and I want to try coffee before I die.

Worst bucket list ever.

It's going to be good, Eric.
It's gonna force a confrontation.

Oh, I love those.

Look, what I mean is,
what you have now obviously isn't working.

Dan's a bully. If you don't stand up
to bullies, they just keep coming at you.

And take it from me,
I was a monster in elementary school.

Maybe you're right.
Maybe this will be a good thing.

Maybe it'll make Dan realize, you mess
with this kitty cat, you get the claws.

Great. How married are you
to that wording?

He's gonna see I'm not gonna put up
with any more of his crap.

- There you go.
- I'm gonna tell him,

- "I'm not afraid of you, Dan."
- Perfect!

"And if you've got a problem with me
watching Korean StarCraft tournaments

instead of football,
you can just suck my..."

I mean, maybe don't push it that far,
'cause sometimes with bullies...

"dick! Suck my fucking dick, Dan."

I'm sure you'll find it in the moment.

Thank you. Anytime a sheriff's deputy
doesn't show up for work,

we just wanna make sure
everything's all right.

Oh... of course.

- So either of you see Dan this morning?
- No. Wish I had. Great guy.

Wonderful guy. I can't get enough of him.

Interesting.
He's been my partner for five years

and I've found that most people
just think he's unbelievably repellent.

Well, we don't want to speak ill
of the... missing.

- We love everyone, all of God's children.
- Amen to that.

Mmm.

You know, there is one thing
that strikes me as a little strange.

What's that, Anne?

You two are friends with the Palmers,
and you know Dan's missing,

but you still haven't been over
to check on Lisa.

- Is that strange or just inconsiderate?
- Inconsiderate. Mystery solved.

You know, something like this
can be very stressful for the family,

and Lisa is such a beautiful woman.

- It would be great if you just came by.
- We definitely will.

- Love it.
- Yeah.

Is there anything else we can do to help?

- Just pray that Dan's all right.
- Will do.

Oh. Right now.

Dear Lord,
I sit with some of your flock to ask...

I'm home!

We're in here, praying.

Ha-ha.

- Shall I?
- Yes, please.

Dear Lord,
I sit with some of your flock to ask...

Is there any Advil
in your bathroom?

to ask for your help
in bringing Dan safely back to us.

Lord, we love you...

Jesus fucking Christ!

Honey, I'll be right there.
I'm just down here with the sheriff!

Can you arrest a 16-year-old
for having a foul mouth?

Teenagers. Can't live with them,
can live without them.

- That should totally be a T-shirt.
- What a funny sheriff.

Dear Lord...

Is the sheriff gone?

- Yeah.
- Yes.

You guys don't let me see
The Godfather until I'm 15,

but you fucking kill Dan and leave him
in the bathtub for me to find?

I am so sorry that you had to see that.

He was blackmailing us, honey,
and threatening our family.

I had no choice.

Wait. You killed him?

Yes. Men can kill, too.

Did you also kill the frozen guy
in the storage unit?

- You know about that?
- Yeah.

And I've seen your blender
and I know what's in your smoothies.

Look, you need to kill
and eat people, I get that.

But here's what I need:
no more lying to me.

We were just trying to protect you
from the truth

because we want our family
to be as normal as possible.

You think this family
is ever gonna be normal?

We want to be, honey.

That's why we're going
to the beach tomorrow,

although now we're probably
not going to the beach tomorrow.

Right, because you killed our neighbor.
So, what's the plan?

Are we gonna keep him?
Do I finally get a brother?

We have a plan,
but I feel like in your current state

you're gonna judge it negatively.

You guys are not great at this,
and if you don't get your act together

we will never go to the beach
because you will be in jail.

And I'm tired of walking in on weird shit
going on in your bathtub.

We really lost the moral high ground
on that one.

Yup.

Hey. I just came to see
how you're doing.

Look! The flash bang went off.

Dan knows I'm the only one who
could've put it there. He's not missing.

He's laying low, plotting how to kill me
and get away with it.

Something people would believe,
like... like a reading accident.

- Eric, breathe.
- Oh, my God, I'm not breathing.

- Oh, my God, I forgot how.
- Eric, listen to me.

What if I told you...

that you never had
to worry about Dan ever again?

What? Why not?
Ab... Abby, do you know something?

He's in our bathtub, dead.
My parents killed him.

Can I see him?

Hello?

Whoa.

Jesus, that's a lot of cops.

Oh, you came. Didn't bring any food.

We've already established
we're inconsiderate people.

Yes. Uh, I'll tell Lisa you're here.

Look at them.

All rugged individuals,
yet working together.

In another time,
they would've been cowboys.

What is going on with you?
And don't just say you're okay.

I don't know. I see things
I feel are true and I share them.

I've noticed. And I'm worried about you.

Hi. Thank you so much for coming over.

- How are you?
- I'm fine. I'm sure Dan is fine.

He's probably just in the desert
shooting owls,

or at the beach shooting starfish,

or maybe at that strip club
that has the bacon he likes.

He's a man of many interests.

I guess.
Sheila, can you help me in the kitchen?

Anne has been so useful,

but she cannot julienne a carrot
to save her life,

even with those delicate,
perfect fingers of hers.

Known her for five years,
and this pretty lady

still makes me blush about my fingers.

Well, maybe you shouldn't have
such perfect fingers

and then people wouldn't talk about them.

What am I gonna do with you?

Oh, stop it.

Come on.

- I'll be right back. Are you good?
- I'm good. Good, good.

Dan's probably fine.

I asked some of the boys
to go to that strip club.

Had a lot of volunteers.

Sure, naked women...

supporting their kids.

Oh, that's from a trip to Maui
the four of us took a couple of years ago.

It's so beautiful.

We went to a luau.
Cooked a pig right in the dirt.

Dan took the snout, put it on his nose
and said a bunch of racist stuff.

It was not cool.

But, you know, we let it slide
because it was a vacation, so...

We ate that pork, it was so good.

You wouldn't think meat
cooked in the dirt could be that good.

...a pod of dolphins
swimming right in front of us.

Whoa, what's going on, Joel?

- Sorry.
- Something you wanna talk about?

What's up, guys?

I was telling Joel about Dan and Hawaii,

- and then he started crying.
- Yeah.

Why are you crying, Joel?

Joel really looks up to Dan.
Dan's sort of like a father figure to him.

And now that he's missing, it's brought up
a lot of abandonment issues.

Did your father leave?

- Nope.
- It's also brought up some denial issues.

Don't worry, Joel.
Everything's gonna be fine.

We're gonna have guys in the neighborhood
all night keeping an eye out.

If Dan doesn't turn up by tomorrow,
we'll bring in some dogs to help.

Oh, you mean like therapy dogs
to cheer up Lisa?

No, search dogs.
They can find a rubber glove

buried ten feet underground.

If Dan's anywhere around here,
they'll find him.

Fucking dogs!

- They're the greatest.
- Oh, they really are.

We should be licking them.

Maybe?

He was threatening my parents,
he was gonna turn them in.

Eric?

You were right about one thing, Dan.
I won't be having sex in your lifetime.

- Whoa, coming in hot.
- He was such a jerk to my mom.

And this is probably the most quality time
he's ever spent with me.

I'm just sorry I never got a chance
to let him know how I feel.

You could tell him now.

I don't think he's going anywhere.

There was never a moment
I wasn't scared of you.

But when I see you like this...

I realize you're just a small, sad man.

And who knows,
maybe you treated me so badly

because someone else
did the same thing to you.

Wow.

- That's really sweet.
- I'm not done.

Still...

you can suck my dick.

That would only be like the third
worst thing I've seen in this bathtub.

So, I think I know the answer,
but I've got to ask.

- Are you gonna tell on my parents?
- No way. I like your parents.

Besides, if they go to jail,
you'll move away

and then you'll miss me
and I don't want that for you.

Right. So I have a plan
that might keep that from happening.

- I just need one thing.
- Anything. Name it.

Whatever it is, I'll get it for you.
If I can't, I'll make it for you.

- A flashlight.
- Mine's broken.

Honestly.

Okay, today has obviously been intense
and it's taking a toll on you.

We don't have time for this.

We have to get the body out of here
by morning or the dogs will find it.

Honey, I just saw you stare
at a picture of a beach and start crying.

We got married on a beach
and you didn't cry.

I need you to let me take some
of the weight off your shoulders.

Like about... 200 pounds.

It's impossible.
You can't eat this much in one night.

It's the only way.

Dan will be in the one place
they'll never look.

My stomach.

- How's it going in there?
- He is a very hairy man.

Kinda slows me down.

You're good at that.

I'm just thinking of it
as a very long face with toes.

Thank you.

"My pleasure" wouldn't quite apply here.

But... you're welcome.

God...

I'm becoming my father.

I can't do it.

I can't finish him.

The dogs will be here pretty soon.

- We're going to jail and it's my fault.
- How is it your fault? I killed Dan.

I brought death into this house.

I'm the one
that made killing seem normal.

And it is so not normal, Joel.

The way you've been acting today?

I broke you.

I'm so sorry.

No. You're not the one
who needs to apologize.

I'm sorry, dude.

Jesus, I killed you
and I'm saying, "Sorry, dude,"

like I just beat you at beer pong.

I saw the most beautiful sunrise
this morning.

I've been appreciating a lot of things
these past 24 hours.

Maybe 'cause I've realized...

you never know when your neighbor
might kill you with a shovel.

But I don't have to tell half of you that.

I guess what I mean by "sorry, dude" is...

I'm sorry you're never gonna enjoy
the smell of coffee again,

or see the way the light
dances on the wall,

or go to another beach in Hawaii.

Life is short.

You've got to appreciate it
in whatever time you have left.

Huh.

Thanks, Dan. This was helpful.

- We're going to the beach!
- What?

We promised Abby
we're gonna be a normal family

and that's what we're doing, goddamn it.

Going to the beach?

- That's right.
- It's a family day.

I wish there was more we could do
to help with Dan.

But we'll be thinking about him.

Oh, let me get that for you.

Mind if I grab a soda?

Sorry, we don't drink sodas
in this family, only milk.

- You're bringing milk to the beach?
- Well, they don't have it there.

Hey! We found something.
It's in the garage.

- What do you think they found?
- A guy like Dan? Could be anything.

Shall we?

You're right.

This whole thing would have been easier
with a garage.

Maybe.
But I kinda like having a home office.

Hey, murderers, let's go to the beach.

I really need a beer.

Dan was into all kinds of shit.

They found drugs, money, weapons,

even a finger that belonged to that guy
who went missing from your office.

- Gary? They think Dan killed Gary?
- They don't have a motive yet,

but having the guy's finger
makes Dan pretty suspicious.

They did some digging,
found out Dan was also connected

to some gangster named Loki,
who turns out was blackmailing him.

And now Loki is missing too.

They think Dan was stashing his stuff
when someone came to grab him.

Happened so fast,
he didn't even turn off his flashlight.

- Life is amazing.
- I know.

This is the best goddamn day ever.

We should get high
and go to Magic Mountain.

We really do have
to get better at this.

Oh, fuck.