Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Farting Sex Tourist - full transcript

Mmm.

Mmm, mmm.

Mmm!

What a beautiful day!
I love walking with you guys.

Friends, fresh air, sunshine.

Look how hard you're working.
Everyone's rooting for you!

- You're so happy. Why?
- Why would anybody not be happy?

What if someone has a baby,
and while they love him, or her,

or them, if it's twins...

- We know you mean you.
- I just miss going out, having a life.

John Legend's touring,
and I wanna see him four times.



- So do it.
- I can't.

Every time I go out, RJ makes this face
like, "Mommy, aren't I enough?"

Ugh, babies are the worst.
The trick is to not say goodbye to them.

Alondra, you need to put on a crop top,
go to a concert

and shake those boobs for someone
who doesn't just see them as dinner.

Congratulations on your boobs,
by the way. They are amazing.

When I stopped breastfeeding,
mine turned into Russian nesting dolls.

This one could fit in that one.

Oh, come on, your body is ridiculous

in those tight leggings
and that sweet ass.

Dan is lucky to hit that shit.

Yeah, but it's how he hits it.
The man is tense.

The last time we had sex,
I swear to God, he didn't blink.

I clapped right in his face, nothing.
It's like fucking a British guard.



You two should be having more fun.
Live your best lives.

Give it the full Oprah!

Sheila, you have really changed
in the last few days.

You used to be kind of bland, no offense.
And kinda uptight, no offense.

- We did stuff without you all the time.
- No offense.

Hey, Eric has a science thing
at school tonight. Will you come?

It'll be so much less boring
than going with just Alondra.

No offense?

Of course I'll come.
And I'll bring Joel and Abby.

We love Eric.
I wanted to adopt Eric, but Joel said no.

Seriously, what's going on with you?

It's probably my new diet.
I've been eating a lot of protein.

- Really?
- How many grams?

All of them.

Come on!

May I help you?

Yes. Good morning.

I've been hired to do a documentary
for the National Geographic Channel.

It's an historical look at the undead
and a very legitimate project.

Eager to make it accurate,
I've been visiting paranormal bookstores

looking for materials on outbreaks
and possible remedies.

You'll find the zombie literature
in our lifestyle section,

next to the fertility crystals.

If you hit witch balls,
you've gone too far.

Isn't that always the case?

Anything you can use?

I don't think so. I'm looking
for something more real, less for kids.

I do have one thing in the back,
but I don't show it to a lot of people.

Yeah? What is it?

Zombie porn.

Thank you for your time.

Oh, my God.

- Hey, Rick!
- Hey, Joel.

Can you pop your trunk for me?

Those are words you never wanna
hear from a cop.

Come on,
I want to check the cargo space.

See, I love my bike,
but the only thing it holds is ass.

By the way, you gotta try that thing.
Zero to 60 in one-point-fuck seconds.

Oh!

Hi, honey! Where'd you go this morning?

What's in the bag? Is it a present?
Is it for me? Is it for me?

Plain white bag.

Nasty.

Hey, babe. I changed his diaper,
put on his socks. Great dad alert.

Come on, you.
Let's go listen to some John Legend,

take your socks off,
'cause it's 100 degrees.

I gotta get ready for work.
I gotta drive out to Riverside today.

Might as well be Mars,
except it's hotter, there's less air,

food's not as good, less culture,
and it's further from my house. Fuck me.

So... let's take a look.

Yes. Let's.

Oh, my.

That is roomy.

Rick, look at me, look at me. Look at me.

What?

I can make my hips go side to side now.

- I could never do this before.
- Why would you want to?

Because it's a turn-on, Rick.

Yeah, I see it.

So what's a car like this set you back?

It doesn't set you back, Rick,
it launches you forward.

If you want one, you should get one.

Don't overthink it.
Overthinking is a boner killer.

Hit the deck, we got a shooter!

What the hell, Dan?

Just testing your reflexes, Officer Puss.

Not so bueno. When Santa Monica PD
hears "shooter," they think "oyster bar."

That's 'cause we can afford oysters,

since we make a shit-ton more money
than a sheriff's deputy.

Boom!

Hmm? Thanks, guys.

Here, I got you ant spray.

- That's okay, I have ant spray.
- You don't know what you have.

I need you to kill those little bastards

before they start making their way
into my yard.

I found one in my kitchen this morning.

Now if I get an ant problem
because you have an ant problem,

you and I are gonna have a problem.

- What is she doing, Joel?
- I don't know, Dan.

Just spray your yard.

See? He doesn't think we killed Gary,
he's just obsessed with ants.

Yeah, that's a relief,
and in some ways even more troubling.

Come on, I want to show you something.

- Wow.
- Mm-hmm.

He's throwing up a ball thing, like I did.

I know. I've been going
to all these occult bookstores.

The woman where I found these

said they're copies of prints
from 16th century Serbia.

Then we need to find somebody
who speaks Serbian.

Yeah, in Santa Clarita,

which just got
its first Indian restaurant.

I wonder what it says.

Jesus, I hate that ringtone.

- Clients like it. It's funny.
- We disagree on that.

Uh-oh. It's Abby's school.

Your daughter walked out of class
three days ago

and she hasn't been back since.

We had no idea Abby was skipping school.

She's never done it before,
or at least she's never been caught.

Not a great sportswoman either.
Is anything unusual happening at home?

- Um, unusual...
- Unusual... Unusual...

- No. All good.
- Unusual? Very usual.

The reason I'm taking this so seriously
is because it's not just about Abby.

She's also having a corrupting influence
on Eric Bemis.

And... Eric Bemis
is a remarkable young man, so...

Are you saying that Abby Hammond
isn't remarkable?

I'm sure that's not what he's saying.

It'd be great if that's not
what you're saying.

Eric Bemis has a 4.5 GPA.
The only Bs he ever got

are the ones he raised to study
colony collapse disorder.

That's something that happens to bees.

Based on her biology grades, I guess Abby
may not have known that either.

Well, now it feels like you're calling
our daughter stupid. And us.

Again, I'm sure that's not
what he's saying.

It'd be great
if that's not what you're saying.

Yes, it would be. Let's keep this simple.

If your daughter misses school again,
she's going to be suspended.

Suspended? If Abby is going through
some typical teenage problem

that happens to any typical family
like ours,

instead of punishing her
you should show her some compassion.

And you shouldn't tell me
how to do my job.

Well, maybe if you did it right,

then all the parents
wouldn't talk about you

- like you are a steaming pile of...
- Here's a solution.

Let's all stop talking
until I can think of what to say next.

Okay, we'll speak to our daughter and
make sure she never misses school again.

Good. Because if she does...

- Please don't say it.
- ...miss school again...

- She won't.
- ...she's going to be...

- Don't say it.
- I wouldn't say it.

- ...suspended.
- Okay.

- Goddamn it.
- We're all on the same page.

Honey, shall we?

I have a small refrigerated space
I would love to introduce you to.

I think you would look really good in it.

- What?
- Tiny wine room.

We're selling a house
with a tiny wine room.

Let us know if you're interested.

- Jesus Christ.
- I don't care for him.

He's the principal!
You can't eat the school...

How's it going? All right.

Principal.

We got lucky last night with that guy
you killed in the parking lot.

But people have seen us here.
We signed in.

If his next appointment
walked into a bloodbath,

they might have tied it
to his previous one.

Relax! I didn't eat him... yet.

No, no, no. You won't eat him, ever.

- Fine. Ever... yet.
- Honey.

The more impulsive you are,
the more likely we'll get caught.

And if we get caught,
our lives together will be over, forever.

Do you understand?

Yes. I understand.

I can't be impulsive
and kill the wrong person,

like that bastard in there
who didn't have any family pictures

and probably doesn't have any friends,

but did have sneakers
with reflective strips in his office,

so may run alone at night.

Thank you for hearing me.

So we just got called
into the principal's office.

Why? What'd you do?

What? That was funny!

- She's a remarkable girl.
- I know she's remarkable.

- So then we're done?
- No.

It's because you're remarkable
that we expect more of you.

It all just seems so meaningless.
Seriously, trigonometry?

- What does that matter?
- Trigonometry matters a lot.

There are triangles in everything.

Pizza. Triangles.
Not the shape, the musical instrument.

- Honey, anything you want to add?
- Sure.

If Abby doesn't want to go to school,
she shouldn't go.

- What?
- Wait, you're serious?

As a triangle.

She's not gonna use half the stuff
they teach in there

and you never cared about trigonometry.

The only triangle you were interested in
was the one in my pants.

- Mom! Oh, my God!
- Oh, my God.

Follow your heart.

Listen, you like writing poetry?
Maybe do that.

You're saying I should
drop out of school and be a poet?

- No, no, no. No one's saying that.
- That's exactly what I'm saying.

- Live your best life.
- What's happening right now?

What's happening is you're grounded.
So go to your room.

Thank you. No, that I understand.

- You can't keep being like this.
- You mean, being who I am?

I know you want to do
whatever you want now,

but I'm not sure
the family can survive it.

Hello?

Mrs. Hammond, what are you doing here?
Would you like a Triscuit?

Your front door was unlocked,
and no, thank you.

Listen, I need to talk to someone, and you
are the closest thing to an expert I know.

Thank you. Please, sit.

This morning, I felt really great.

I was encouraging everyone
to be their best selves,

but just now,
I told Abby to drop out of school.

And before that,
I almost killed Principal Novak.

Yes, uh, impulse control.
The undead do not have it.

I gotta do something,
because I can't be like...

- Oh, uh... sorry.
- It's okay.

No pee, so, that's a win.

Do you think it's possible for me
to have any control?

We can't ignore a fundamental truth.

The undead are completely driven
by their id.

But if I can't control myself,
then I risk everything that matters to me.

You can't change your nature.

- But I have to.
- Then maybe you can.

- Do you think?
- No.

- But I could lose my family.
- Then you have to change.

- But you just said I can't.
- You can't.

- But you're saying I have to.
- You do.

You're saying that I need to change
my nature, but that's impossible.

Yeah.

Uh, on the other hand,
maybe nothing's impossible.

Who would've ever thought an octopus
and a kitten could fall in love?

It's on YouTube, you gotta see it.
It'll give you hope.

No.

Wait.

Oh, I'm sorry, did you want one?

You know, I used to ditch.

My home life
was also a little challenging.

Really?

Did Grandma Jenny eat half a man
and bury the rest of him in the desert?

No. But she once made a produce guy cry
over a head of lettuce,

and that was her public persona.

How'd you deal?

Collected baseball cards,
painted pine cones.

Sometimes I went into the woods
and yelled at birds.

You yelled at birds?

We didn't have money for a therapist

and yelling at people
was Grandma Jenny's thing.

Then when I got older...

What?

What?

Whoo-hoo!

Whoo!

Whoo! That was sick!

I got a bike when I was 16
and never yelled at a bird again.

I can see why.

- Was yours as cool as Rick's?
- It was pretty sweet.

'83 Triumph Daytona.

- Do you still have it?
- Yeah, I keep it in the storage unit...

- Oh, my God, I want to see it.
- Nah.

Now it's just a pile of rusted crap.

Check out this view.

I used to bring your mom up here
when we were in high school.

Carved our initials in that picnic bench.

Back then it was all just open space.

Man, things change.

Can Mom still love?

- What? Of course she can.
- Are you sure?

- Yes.
- That's a weird smile.

- I'm freaking out, man!
- I'm freaking out too!

- It's so weird!
- So fucking weird!

Last week, she organized our pasta
by cooking times,

and wouldn't let me eat crackers
in the living room.

Tuesday, she strangled a rooster!

Two weeks ago, she was making me
vocab cards for the SATs.

Now she doesn't care
if I go to school anymore.

- I know! What the hell's happening?
- I know!

I mean, like, did Mom die when Mom died?

I wish I had more answers, honey.

I know things may have changed from
when you were here in high school but...

it's still beautiful.

Yeah, it is.

Come on, your mom's waiting for us
at that science fair.

Wait. Where'd you carve your initials?

There it is.

Aww. That's sweet.

It's been here over 20 years.
Of course, the artwork around it is new.

Nice to meet you.

One day he'll build a woman
out of soft materials

and never come out of his room.

You haven't touched your margarita.

Wow. That's a lot of tequila.

Mmm. Ever since I discovered this little
trick I have been, like, the best mom.

Plus I'm pregaming for a work thing later.

- Tonight?
- Oh, yeah.

Pharmaceutical rep hours
are super flexible.

That's why so many of us have time
to go on The Bachelor.

Oh.

No.

Ugh. Look at him, the king of nothing.

"Yes, welcome to my land.

I am great. I am a sex tourist,
traveling the world over.

Paying handsomely for sex."

"Oh, I am currently farting."

Whoa.

Hi! You dickless bore.

- Eric is quite the star, hmm?
- Yeah.

I don't know where he gets it.
His father was so dumb.

I mean, crush a mouse dumb.

- Oh. My.
- Mm.

- Mrs. Hammond.
- Principal Novak.

I am sorry that things went awry
this morning.

Thank you. Apology accepted.

- I wasn't actually apologizing.
- You just said you were sorry.

I'm sorry about the situation,
which you instigated.

Isn't there a potato clock somewhere
that needs your attention?

You should be grateful
that I didn't suspend Abby.

In fact, I still might.

It all depends on what you say next,
madame.

Fine, I'm sorry.

- You farting sex tourist.
- Oh, snap.

Tell Abby don't bother
coming to school tomorrow.

What a cuntstick.

- Hold this?
- Yeah.

- Sheila!
- Joel!

Hi, you're here. Where's Abby?

She needed to swing by her locker.
I need to tell you something.

- Yes?
- I love you.

I have loved you since we carved
our initials in that picnic bench.

I've loved you for the 19 years
we've been married,

and I'll love you for however long
we have together.

So... you be whoever you need to be.

Just because something's changed
doesn't mean it's not still beautiful.

That's exactly what I needed to hear.

Oh, my God.

Hey, Novak.

- Dad?
- Abby, go back.

Let's keep this simple.

Abby's going through
a really hard time right now

so you're not going to suspend her,
because if you do

I will make your life miserable.

I can sell your home,
I can fuck up your Zillow estimate.

I can rezone your neighborhood for horses.

I have a notary that will do
anything for me.

I am a realtor and I can destroy you.

It'll all depend on what you say next.

Tell Abby I'll see her at school tomorrow.

Okay, then. You have a lovely evening.

Wow, you were intense.

Well, yeah, you're my baby.

All right,
let's go check out Eric's action.

Why didn't you kill Novak?
Not that I'm complaining.

You told me to be
who I needed to be,

and that's someone
who doesn't want to lose her family.

- Come on, honey, we're gonna be late.
- Oh, my God.

- Principal Novak, wait.
- Leave me alone.

- Are you Serbian?
- Leave me alone.

I saw the flag in your window.
It's Serbian.

- I saw it in my research.
- Let go.

- Do you speak Serbian?
- You people are insane.

- Do you speak Serbian?
- No, but my grandmother does.

You better let me go because I live
with her and if I'm not home by 8:00...

I'm a grown man and I can do
whatever I want. Still, I'm leaving.

I need to meet your grandmother!

How's it going? All right.

Hey, girl. Remember that work opportunity
I told you about last night?

- I closed the deal.
- Ooh, awesome. Big sale?

Sale? No, no. The opportunity
was to bone an oncologist.

- What?
- Yeah.

We've been flirting for weeks,
and you inspired me.

"Live your best life," right?

- Thank you.
- Well...

The clients are running 15 minutes late,
so no rush.

It's just three weekends in February.

You can't just pick up
and follow John Legend on tour.

But this could be
my last chance.

Now that he and Chrissy have the baby,
John wants to be home with his family.

He's such a good dad.

You don't do something like this
without us talking about it.

- Hey, good news, Rick.
- Oh, shit.

Your Range Rover came in early.

- Just need a signature.
- Did you buy a new car?

Maybe let's get to the house early. Okay.

This is all you, right?

They're grown-ups.
They can make their own decisions.

- What did you tell him?
- Just drive, honey.

You know, these are our neighbors.

We have to maintain relationships...
Oh, Christ, there's Dan.

Hey, Joel!

The sprayer I gave you
is still on your porch!

Spray your goddamn ants!

Lazy sons of bitches.
I take care of this whole neighborhood.

Whoa.