Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 10 - Baka, Bile and Baseball Bats - full transcript

Sometimes the world casts
aside the one person who can save it.

She began life as a mere baby,

but by the third grade
that would all change.

With an IQ of 172,

but a cold and distant father

who may or may not
have looked like this man,

young Dr. Wolf would soon be sent
to a special school for geniuses.

You know,
we did our own research on Dr. Wolf,

so this was really unnecessarily...
fun and great. Bravo.

I got a little excited
when I heard she was coming.

Had a couple of Mountain Dews,
found this stock footage website,



don't have a lot of friends,
and here we are, so...

Earning a PhD at 17,

Dr. Wolf went to work
for the Centers for Disease Control,

perhaps placing things in very cold vats.

And then one day, something happened
in a West Virginia cabin

that would forever change her life.

Two hikers were discovered dead
and partially eaten.

After speeding to the scene,

Dr. Wolf discovered something
even more horrible:

the suspect had murdered
and eaten his entire family.

What kind of monster could do this?

After running a series of tests,
she reached a startling conclusion:

the madman harbored
an unknown virus...

that re-animates...
...the dead.



Tragically, she was ridiculed and fired.

Dr. Wolf went on to start
her own biotech company,

where she worked with teams
of equally attractive people

to become enormously successful.

Yet convinced the virus is real,

Dr. Wolf has continued
to search for a cure

so that the horror she witnessed
in that West Virginia cabin

will never happen again.

Oh, my God.

The end played a little darker
than I expected.

But Kanye says never to apologize
for your creative choices.

Although I really wish
I'd gone another way.

I made you a smoothie
from the last of that Porsche guy.

- I thought I finished him.
- Nope.

I found a bag of his face
behind the ice cream.

- I am not gonna miss this.
- Thanks.

Honey, if Dr. Wolf can't cure me

and I lose my mind
like that man in West Virginia,

we might have to make
some tough decisions.

- She's gonna help you.
- Right.

But if she can't, we need a plan.

The plan is, after you're better
we fly to Maui to celebrate.

Or I keep getting worse,
and before I do something horrible...

I need you to kill me.

I like my plan better.

Uses up our credit card miles
before they expire.

Look, I know these
are tough things to discuss,

but we have to talk about them, okay?

It doesn't have to be heavy.

We can make a game out of it,
like "Fuck, Marry, Kill."

Which is something
we stopped playing 20 years ago,

when you chose not to kill
or marry my brother.

Yeah, well, I wasn't gonna fuck
the Charmin guy or the Unabomber.

So, babe... how would you do it?

- I don't know.
- No, come on. Tell me.

- I... I don't know.
- It's fine. Just tell me how.

Fine. I'd bash your brains in
with a baseball bat.

Oh, my God, are you serious?

You'd kill me with a bat?

I didn't want to play!

And bash my brains in, that is so angry.

Where is that coming from?

I don't know. That's how they kill
the undead in movies.

- Yeah, but I'm your wife. You love me.
- Okay, what's the right answer?

You kiss me on the lips,
and then place a silk pillow over my face

and shoot me through the temple
with a pearl-handled revolver.

You still end up in the same place.

Yeah, but my way is romantic.

Your way is how a gangster kills
a stool pigeon.

That's Dr. Wolf.

Did you put out the fancy soaps?

Oh, if I didn't, are you gonna
bash my brains in?

Oh, good, that's not gonna be a thing.

This is it. Are you ready?

I am.

Dr. Wolf, I'm Joel... Hammond.

And this is my wife Sheila.

I'm so glad to finally meet you.

Me too.

I'm sorry.
I haven't hugged anyone in a while.

Am I doing it correctly?

Does this feel more natural?
This is too high, obviously.

- Well, I think your first try felt best.
- Hmm.

Enough of this emotional nonsense.

- Who's this?
- I'm Joel.

You can call him "Slugger."

Jesus Christ.

Blood pressure is zero over zero.

Perfect. You could not be more dead.

Do you have any idea how I got this way?

Well, I've only seen one other case
but it might be anything.

The resurgence of an ancient plague,
a mutation of the rabies virus.

I could speculate further,
but it would be as pointless

as trying to observe cold fusion
from the electrolysis of heavy water

on a palladium electrode.

Can you imagine?

She's really funny.

I'm a big fan of your inhalers.

Your use of nanoparticles to produce
lower oropharyngeal deposition is divine.

Oh, that's very sweet.

Dr. Wolf, it's an honor
to have you stay with us.

If you feel at all self-conscious
about kicking me out of my room,

it would be an equal honor
to let you sleep

on the fold-out couch in the garage.

You're trying to trick me. I hate that.
It's why I will not go to magic shows.

- Does that hurt?
- No.

Oh, God! Warn people.

How about now?

A little tickle,
like I have a frog in my throat.

I don't believe it.
I'm finally holding the ancient Serbian...

Fuck, how is that helping?

I could ask the same thing
about your girlish hysteria.

I was checking her brain stem
to see if her autonomic nervous system

was still functioning.

Have you shown any signs
of unprovoked aggression?

Unprovoked? No.
Everyone I killed had it coming.

Good. Then it's not too late.

Now why don't you put down the only
known copy of that priceless book,

ideally away from the chips
and Safeway brand guacamole.

This is amazing.

Something written 500 years ago
is going to help me.

And here... is the remedy.

It's taken me years to find
the modern-day equivalent

of these medieval Serbian ingredients.

You can't just run down to the store
and get myrrh.

But I've tested the formula and it works.

Thank God it works. It's all here.

This is gonna change our lives.

Look at it. It's so beautiful.

Oops.

I'm beginning to think
I'll never unfreeze my eggs.

I'll stay here in your brown tract home
for a few days

while I adapt the solution I've used
on rats into a human-grade injection.

So, how soon after the injection
will I be cured?

- Never.
- But you said it works.

Always.

You're mad about the guacamole.

Yes. But my point is, it's not a cure.

You're dead
and you're gonna stay that way.

All we can do is halt your deterioration
so you'll remain as you are now.

So she'll never be like the way
she was before, ever?

I'm afraid not.

Well, that's a shame.

I know it's not exactly
what you wanted to hear,

but it's mostly good news.

I'm not getting better
but I'm not gonna get worse.

It's definitely
a glass-half-full situation.

We're still gonna have to kill people,

but I'm not gonna have to find
a lovely way to kill you,

which was causing tension
in the relationship.

It was.

I left open that box of crackers
you love so much just so they'd get stale.

I feel like being undead
has made you more vindictive.

It's made me more everything.
That's what I like about it.

It's made me more confident, fearless.

Last week I told Susan,
"Stop being such a little bitch.

If you want that townhouse,
then just make an offer."

I'd have never been able to talk
to a city councilwoman like that before.

And I enjoy sex more,
and don't care as much about foreplay.

That's certainly... a good thing.

Mmm.

Ow, ow. My lip.

Ah.

- Sorry. You just make me so fucking hot.
- Mmm.

Ooh. Ow, ow, ow! Ow!

Oh.

Ow!

Hey.

Uh-oh.

Did you break the skin?

- No.
- Good.

Has she ever hurt you before
in the act of passion?

No. We're not into that.
We're licensed real estate brokers.

It definitely sounds like
unprovoked aggression.

You may be entering
a new, more feral stage.

How long before I completely lose control?

I'm not sure.
All I know is it'll be a progression,

starting with "That was a little rude"

- and ending with "Run!"
- Okay.

We need to move up the timeline.
When can you be ready?

Oh, damn it. I can have everything here
in two days, except for the bile.

The bile?

The book calls for the bile
of a native-born pure Serbian.

Really? Does it also call for the whisker
of an Irishman?

It's effective because medieval Serbians

developed intestinal flora
that resisted the virus.

Unfortunately, my bile guy, Vladé,
is on vacation.

Couldn't you just tell Vladé
it's an emergency?

Ah, he won't care.

He's more reliable than my last bile guy,

but the digestive fluid business attracts
more hobbyists than professionals.

- The baka.
- The baka?

The baka!

The grandmother
of Abby's school principal.

She told me both her parents are Serbian
and exactly how they died.

And then she made me touch
locks of their hair. Long afternoon.

Great. Tomorrow I'll prep the formula
while you two collect her bile.

Hopefully this will work.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.
You said it always works.

On rats. I've only ever done it on rats.

And even then, it's only effective

if it's administered
before they've gone completely feral.

So there's not a cure,
and the partial cure might not even work

because we're too late,
and Sheila's not a rat.

But the good news is I get to make
an elderly woman throw up in a bucket,

which might be a turn-on for some people,
but it's not my thing.

Yet! Who knows? The night is young!

- He seems angry.
- I know, right?

His plan B is to bash my brains in
with a baseball bat.

I wouldn't even do that to the rats.

If I have to put them down,
I dim the lights, play Mozart,

get them high on nitrous oxide,

and then drive a tiny,
mint-flavored toothpick into their brains.

You see?

I've known you, what, five minutes
and already I'd rather have you kill me.

Thank you.

- Have you...?
- Sterilized the cerebral spinal fluid?

- Yes.
- Perhaps you should...

Fractionally distill
the crude reaction mixture? Done.

- Have the...
- Crystals formed? No.

- I wonder...
- Nine point three.

- But I...
- Blue.

- Why...?
- Seven.

Interesting.

Hey, guys. I'm ready to help.

Um, would you like
to chop this table in half?

I don't have a lab coat.

Look, I know we got off to a bad start
with the whole guacamole thing,

but everyone has something cool
to do except me.

Let me ask you this, Abby-san...

Obviously, this was a mistake.

Do you have any knowledge of neuroscience?

I get straight A's
in everything except science.

- Are you good at taking notes?
- Yes.

Take this down, verbatim.

I'd like a turkey sandwich
on whole wheat, no mayo.

Then run to the Rite Aid,
get me a bag of raw cashews,

a bar of free-trade dark chocolate,

and three postcards
with the Hollywood sign on them.

I have nieces.

Thank you for entrusting me
with this super-exciting assignment.

Oh, Abby, wait.
Could you get me a roast beef on...

nothing, 'cause I respect you
and don't want anything.

I'm still not convinced
that getting an old woman drunk

is the best way to do this.

We are not taking her to Magic Mountain.

People throw up
on those roller coasters all the time.

How are we supposed
to collect her vomit?

Strap a bucket to her face like a horse?

No one would care.

The last time I was there,
I saw a baby wearing an outfit that said,

"My parents fucked nine months ago
and all I got was this lousy T-shirt."

Fact: liquor is the best
and least suspicious way

to get someone to throw up.

Fact: I hate when you do the fact thing,
especially when it's not a fact.

Accurate statement: I know she drinks,

'cause last time I was here
she did shots at 10 a.m.

And, objective truth:
you don't have blood,

so you don't feel alcohol,
therefore you can outdrink her.

So, strongly held opinion:
this is what we should do,

because, crossing a line,
your idea is stupid.

You know, I was thinking...

...if it comes to it,
maybe I'll have my sister kill me.

Kathy? That's crazy.

Well, it just seems like
this is really stressing you out.

Maybe it's easier for everybody.

First of all, Kathy's gonna be
40 minutes late killing you.

And she'll probably ask for money
before she does it.

And I don't know what she can grip
with those fingernails.

Certainly not a baseball bat.

Hi!

You man who bring nice box.

That's right! This is my wife, Sheila.

And we brought you another gift

to thank you for helping us
translate those prints.

- Your wife has nice box?
- This guy likes it.

We brought you a wonderful bucket.

Nice.

We also got a few bottles
of that Serbian liquor you like.

Maraska.

We drink.

- Can I help you?
- What?

My manager noticed
that you've been staring at the snacks

for, like, a really long time.

It's just my mom has this illness.

And, um, there's this doctor
who's trying to save her

and she's given everyone
exciting stuff to do except me.

Is excitement important?

I thought so.

But maybe you're right. Maybe it isn't.

My mom's sick.
That's what I need to be focused on.

I should be helping other people.

And maybe I should, too.

Like, lately, I've been doing crazier
and crazier stuff...

and I'm never satisfied.

And maybe that's because
I'm only thinking about myself.

Like with this doctor,
she's in town to save my mom's life

and all I can think about
is she's taken my bedroom.

- So, did you want something?
- Yeah.

Yeah, I do, Ramona.
I want to be more selfless.

Okay.

You make it sound so easy.

Sometimes I see things other people don't.

This should be in aisle five.

Why you no drink?

Oh, I don't want you
to take advantage of me, Mrs. Bakavic.

- Down the hatch.
- Stop!

What are you people doing here?

Principal Novak. Why aren't you at school?

I'm taking a mental health day,

which my therapist tells me
is nothing to be ashamed of.

- My grandson has weak mind.
- Baka, you're drunk.

It's before noon. Last week
you got so drunk that you threw up.

- She threw up?
- Exactly how many drinks did that take?

So we know when to stop.

I want you people out of here.
I am calling the police.

- No. My house. They stay. You go.
- I'm not leaving.

They bring me bucket. You bring shame.

He dance in bathroom by himself.

You are a terrible roommate.

And your food is too oily.

You have a beautiful family.

To the baka's family!

No. I finish.

Oh, really? God, I'm just getting started.

I guess American women are better drinkers
than Serbian women.

American women only good at one thing:

boo-hoo about sex with boss.

- I going to be sick.
- Oh, my God, we brought a bucket.

Shit! Now what?

I have an idea.

We're not bringing her
to Magic Mountain.

Then let's bring Magic Mountain to her.

All right, I've synthesized
the dioxatrope and lithium salts,

- which is the first stage of the remedy.
- Fuck yeah!

Sorry. This is kinda like my Super Bowl.

Here's your stuff.

I actually had a life-changing experience
in Rite Aid, believe it or not.

Hmm. Not.

I'm uncertain this first stage is safe
for anything bigger than a rat.

What are the risks?

If I've overestimated,
it could cause dangerous convulsions.

But there's no safe way to test it.

But since Mrs. Hammond's dead,
if we guess wrong

she could be stuck
in a convulsive state forever.

Exactly.

- Holy shit!
- What are you doing?

Something selfless.

I'm testing it to make sure
it's safe for my mom.

Are you insane? How do you feel?

- Like a good person.
- You shouldn't have done that.

Eric, I'm fine. Really, I'm fine.

I just... just...

- Oh, God. She's convulsing. Abby?
- Don't let her bite her tongue.

- I'll get my medical bag.
- Abby?

Oh, don't grab the bag.
I was kidding, I'm fine.

You scared the crap out of me.

- That wasn't funny, Abby.
- Oh, it was a little funny.

Look, just 'cause I'm being selfless
doesn't mean I'm not gonna get back at you

for sending me to get snacks
when it's my mom who's sick and...

And...

- Dr. Wolf, what's happening?
- Eric, grab my medical bag.

- Again, kidding. Totally fine.
- God, Abby.

- You trying to give me a heart attack?
- I suspected that one was fake.

I'm not a genius like you guys,

but wouldn't it take a second
for my blood to get to my brain and...

Whoa.

- What's wrong?
- What is this, seriously?

- Seriously, what's happening?
- Abby! Abby!

- The toxins have reached her brain.
- Uh, no. No, they haven't.

Motherfucker!

- Oh, my God.
- Abby? Abby, can you hear me?

- Yeah, what?
- I hate you so much right now.

Your commitment is outstanding.

What won't we do?

I don't wear fur,
and I won't eat people's buttholes.

Yeah, we're great.
They should name a street after us.

Switch.

Is the Kramers' fiesta pool party tonight?

Yes, Wendy said they were getting
a margarita fountain.

I'm so glad we're doing this instead.

- Honey?
- Hmm?

Do you resent me?

What?

It's just with the whole
bashing-my-brains-in-with-a-bat thing,

and then calling my excellent
Magic Mountain idea stupid,

and now missing the fiesta...

I think you resent me.

I don't resent you.

I just want to get a bucket
of Serbian vomit and go home.

Maybe she has to be awake to throw up.

Fine. I'll go make some coffee.

Admit it!
You resent me because I ruined our lives!

Sheila, get off of me!

You're mad that you're not
at the Kramers' party. Admit it.

Honey, stop. You're starting to go feral.

We're never gonna get to go to Maui again
without killing someone,

which means it's gonna be
a working vacation.

With technology, every vacation's
a working vacation these days.

Oh, my God.

Whoa. Huh.

Oh!

Prague Castle!
Another place we'll never go!

Come on, I've ruined date night

because when we go to a restaurant
the only thing I can eat is the chef.

We're saving a lot of money
not eating out.

Shit!

Hello, man with nice box.

Oh, look who's up. Help me.

Look, I just don't want
your resentment to build up

and come out in an inappropriate way.

You see the irony in that, right?

All right. I am angry.

I don't like killing people
and stuffing them into freezers,

and throwing away my Pumas
I just broke in

because they got brain on them.

The thing that kept me going

was that one day
our lives would get back to normal.

But now that's gone!
And I don't know if I can keep doing this.

But I'm gonna try.

'Cause I know I'll never do this.

I'm so sorry I attacked you.

I'm gonna try super hard
to never let that happen again.

I'd like that.

I'll always do whatever I can
to make us work.

Sheriff's department.

Shit! Novak must've called the police.

Oh, God. Let's get out of here.

I going to be sick.

You go. We're so close.

Everything all right in there, ma'am?

- I don't wanna leave you.
- You have to.

You attacked me
for not being emotionally available.

Imagine what you'd do to a cop.

Ma'am, open the door.

I'll meet you at home. Go.

Ma'am.

Vomit. Please. I just want your vomit.

Sir, I need you to step away
from the woman.

Just give me two minutes.
Dr. Wolf says it's critical!

Her bile guy's on vacation!

Jesus!

- Did you get the bile?
- Not yet.

Your shirt's torn. What happened?

Honey, I need you to do something for me.

Chain Mommy in the basement.

Every marriage
has its challenges.

Mine's no different.

Sheila and I have been together 25 years.

Things were getting a little... routine.

Monday movie night,
Friday night date night at Japopo's.

The food wasn't great...
stay away from the clams.

Japopo's: J-A-P-O-P-O apostrophe S.

Anyway, a few weeks ago,
things started getting a little crazy.

I won't bore you with the details,
but trust me, really crazy.

And that was hard. Not just for me.

For the whole family.

- You can't just leave.
- I'm sorry.

There's no bile, we just got a call
your father's been arrested,

and I can't be here if the police come

because I'm the president
of a biotech company

and there are chunks of people
in your freezer.

What am I supposed to do?

You're a brave, resourceful girl, Abby.
I saw that today.

You'll be okay.

I've left you all my equipment
and the book.

I want it back, so don't treat it
like a placemat at Chili's.

Do I miss the way things were?
Sometimes.

But there's so much more
to my marriage now.

Sheila pushes me to do things,
to open up.

It's really exciting, man.

When I look back at my life
just three weeks ago

I think maybe I was the dead one.

Ha! I was the dead one.

Sure, sometimes the excitement
gets a little out of hand.

I got tased, that's cool.

But the rest of the time,
and believe me when I tell you...

Hey, guys.

...we're just like any other normal
Santa Clarita family.

Okay, that's wrong.

Hello, we are interested in hosting
a pure Serbian exchange student.

Do you have one we could get this week?

Hello.

The listing on Summervale?

Oh, it's a beautiful property.

Great location, new kitchen,
marble countertops,

detached bonus room.

Ooh. Tomorrow's not great
for me or my husband.

But hopefully next week
one of us will be free.