Santa Clarita Diet (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - So Then a Bat or A Monkey - full transcript

- Joel.
- Shh. No words, my love.

I'm sorry, babe, I'm just not really
a "pound one out" kind of gal.

I know, and that's great.

You like romance and lavender candles

and a massage with essential oils
and a wonderful meal but not too heavy.

You're making fun of me.

No. I'm only saying
that sometimes, maybe even now,

- we might try...
- Humping?

Like that rescue dog did
to that little girl at the Rite Aid?

Jennifer Lawrence
chopped off her hair again.

Everybody hates it like that
but she doesn't care.



She's so bold.

I wish I was bold.

Am I bold? No, I'm not.

I'm really upset
about the new toaster oven.

I'd like to be 20 percent bolder.

No, more, 80 percent. No, that's too much.

Look at all the slack in these knobs.

You can't set an accurate temperature.

Yeah, I know, honey.
Did you send them an e-mail?

No, I re-read it.
It came across a little crazy.

Well...

I need a car.

I can't live here anymore without a car.
We're in the middle of freaking nowhere.

- We're not buying you a car.
- You don't need to buy me a car.



Buy Mom a new car, I'll take hers.
Like a normal family.

- I like the Range Rover.
- Ah.

You'd look good in that.

Why don't you love Mom enough
to buy her a Range Rover?

- Ow.
- Well...

What? What is it? Are you all right?

Yeah, I just have this, like, sharp...

Here, sit down.

Oh.

Is Mom dying?

- Stop it.
- I don't know, parents die.

I'm not dying, honey.
I probably just ate something.

I'm fine.
See? All better.

- Are you sure? You scared me.
- Yeah, me too.

Makes you think... life is short.

You're not getting a car.

Maybe we can hang out after school.

Go to the Tea Garden together.

Why?

Because I love you
and I don't see you very much.

I think this is working.

- Joel.
- Dan.

Noticed a light on in your den all night.

Oh, okay. Someone's gonna
get in trouble.

Just kidding, no one's in trouble.

- Unusual, that's all.
- Dan.

- I had trouble sleeping, so I was up.
- You had trouble sleeping?

- Problem?
- Dan, leave people alone.

- Cop brain, sorry.
- I'm not a cop, baby.

- LA Sheriff's Department, all the way.
- Mm-hmm.

Dickless over there is a cop.
Morning, puss.

Another day in pretend law enforcement?

Have a good day, Dan. Be safe.

Santa Monica PD. Shitbirds.

Be careful today
chasing bad guys, honey bunch.

Oh, that's right, they don't allow
pursuits in Santa Monica.

Worried it might hurt somebody's feelings.

Just trying not to kill civilians, Dan.

We protect and serve, not frame and maim
like the sheriff's department.

Suck me, Rick.

Joel, Sheila.

Why do we gotta live between two cops?

Why couldn't it be
two rival pastry chefs?

- I don't know.
- See you at the Petersons'.

Do you have everything you need?

- Yes, Mom.
- I'm just checking.

- Bye, Dad.
- Bye, honey.

Abby.

You look so pretty today.

Eric worships you.
You're the queen of his spank bank.

Mom, please!

Okay.

Hey, some of us girls
are going out tonight.

Drinking, dancing, etcetera.
You wanna come?

No, I can't, um, tonight.

- But thank you.
- You're so flustered.

We're not banging dudes.

At least that's what we tell our husbands.

You're funny. Have a nice day.

Sheila Hammond, say hello to Gary West.

Gary was rocking it up in Sacramento.
Now he's all ours.

- Hi, Gary. Uh, welcome aboard.
- Thank you, Sheila.

I'm very excited to be here.

Sheila works with her husband.
She's the pretty one.

You two gonna sell
the Peterson house today?

We're gonna try, Carl.

None of this "try" bullshit. Do it!

Oh, you're yelling at me.

The Petersons are nervous.
We cannot lose this goddamn listing.

Well, this is the third time
these buyers have been at the house.

- Get an offer!
- Mm-hmm.

Get an offer.

- That's what realtors do.
- Okay.

Come on, I'll show you your office.
It's small.

It's nice meeting you.
I'm so sorry you got yelled at.

Same. I mean, nice meeting you,
not sorry I got yelled at.

Well, actually both.

The master has been completely remodeled.

Lots of light
and brand-new textured plush carpeting.

All headed in the same direction.

It's just lovely.

Do you know what my favorite thing
about the upstairs is?

- The laundry chute.
- Oh, it's amazing.

It was so...

Oh, my God.

Wow!

Wow.

Honey, you okay?

I'm sorry. We are gonna call a crew
and immediately get that cleaned up.

Maybe we should reschedule.

Great idea. I could run you up
to that Cape Cod on Barnhill.

No, please. I don't wanna make
everyone have to come back.

I'm just gonna go use
the restroom really quickly,

and call the cleaning crew.

I'll be right back, excuse me.

- Okay, other bedrooms.
- Yes, this way.

New skylights really open it up,
don't you think?

- I love the crown molding in here.
- Mmm.

- Just beautiful.
- Yeah.

I wanna leave.

Sheila.

Sheila... Oh, my God.

Oh, my God, Sheila.

Sheila. Sheila? Sheila.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.

Oh! Sheila.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

- Did we get the offer?
- Oh, what the fuck?

I'm okay.

I just threw up.

Like a fair amount.

Yeah.

And that came out of me.

Do you think it's an organ?

I really am feeling better, honey.

I wanna get you looked at.

We've been here
over three hours.

I just wanna go home, get out
of these clothes and take a bath.

I feel like a bus station
shit in my mouth.

I'll go see what's happening.

Excuse me.

Do not ask me again
how long it's gonna be.

This isn't a deli counter.

The most life-threatening conditions
have priority. Your wife threw up.

- A lot.
- Your wife threw up.

- A lot.
- Okay, we're not doing this.

Hold on.

Gonna call your doctor
and make you some soup.

You lost a lot of fluids.

Mmm...

I'm okay with you smoking pot.

Excuse me?

I know I complain about it
so you try to hide it,

but I just want you to be
the Joel you want to be.

That's...

That's really nice, sweetheart.

- Sheila.
- Gary.

This is Gary, the new realtor
I was telling you about.

Gary, my husband, Joel.

- Hey, Gary.
- Hi there.

So how are you feeling?
I heard about your afternoon.

- Much better, thank you.
- Oh, these are for you.

And I made sure
the cleaning crew got in there okay.

They took care of everything
so don't worry about that.

- Thank you, Gary. That is so sweet.
- So sweet.

Well, we'd invite you in, but...

Don't even think about it. But listen...
Joel, can I talk to you a moment?

I'm gonna go get cleaned up.

Thanks for the flowers, Gar,
and all your help.

No problem.

Feel better.

That was a crazy amount of vomit.

Well, I'm not a medical expert,

so I can't say what
the proper amount of vomit is.

- It was a huge amount.
- Are you a doctor, Gary?

- No.
- Neither am I.

So let's not dishonor that profession,

which takes eight years
of intense training,

by thinking we can give
medical opinions, okay?

Fine, then let's just stick to facts.

The homeowners came by,
they didn't like what they saw.

So they don't want to work
with you anymore.

They'll be working with me now.

You're stealing our listing?

No, the facts are they fired you,
then hired me.

And that was an insane amount of vomit.

Everything's good.
Gary just needed some advice.

I helped him out.

I can't feel my heartbeat.

- What?
- My heart.

I can't feel it.

I love your hair.

Yeah. Like that.

Bingo.

- Can I help you?
- What?

My manager noticed that you've been
staring at the stethoscopes

for, like, a really long time.

There's something happening with my wife.

Oh, well, I'm only 20, so...

Right. Sorry.

Do you know the difference
between the dual-headed stethoscopes

and the single-headed ones?

Well, dual would be two.

I see. So twice as many then.

It's not just a physical thing,
she's acting different.

I'm gonna get this one.

It doesn't make sense.

My jaw still kinda hurts.

Then stop talking.

I don't hear anything.

- I know, right?
- There's something else.

But no one freak out because I feel fine.

Look. No blood.

Aah...

Still, no one freak out.

Oh, shit.

- Is the juice helping?
- Uh-huh.

Yep.

I can cook that meat
for you, sweetheart.

I'm fine.

- We should go back to the emergency room.
- No.

I'm sorry.

Look, I know things are very wrong
but I feel good.

I have all this energy and, like, a focus.

I can't go to a hospital
where they're gonna put me in a tube

and prick me and poke me.

They might never let me come home again.

Bad for you
because we're having spectacular sex.

Ew.

Ew!

Whatever this is, we need to talk
to someone because we are not experts.

And this is just the sort of thing

the Internet will have
a lot of misinformation about.

- I know someone.
- Who?

- A creeper.
- What's a creeper?

The kind of a nerd who specializes
in disturbing, weird or gruesome shit.

No pupillary response.

Have you noticed any deteriorating flesh?

- No?
- Blackening of the skin,

digits or other pieces falling off?

- No.
- Okay.

- Um, have you eaten anyone?
- No.

- But I may have thrown up an organ.
- No worries.

- Hello.
- We already said hello.

From when you came in.

I haven't had this many people
in my room before.

- You're doing fine.
- Thank you.

Do you guys want chairs?

- We just want to know what's going on.
- Right.

Well... she is dead...

- and also undead.
- What the fuck?

I'm sorry. What are you saying?

She's a... zombie?

I don't like that word,
I think it's inherently negative.

- I don't like it either.
- Let's not use it.

I don't feel dead and undead.

I feel the opposite. Totally alive.

She's been very...

- exuberant.
- Exuberant?

Yeah, they're doing it a lot.

Okay.

Well, one thing we know about the undead
is they're completely driven by their id.

The id is a part of the brain
that demands us to satisfy our desires.

- I know what the id is.
- It just...

- wants whatever it wants.
- I sit behind you in Psych.

- I know.
- How could this happen?

We're realtors.

Well, most new viruses come from animals,
like monkeys or bats.

As humans destroy their habitats,

we're exposed to all kinds
of unfamiliar diseases.

I mean, we're the real
so-called zombies, aren't we?

Consuming everything we want
without any regard for consequences.

As we destroy the Earth
so, too, do we destroy ourselves.

So, then, a bat or a monkey?

Maybe.

Anything else we should know?
Not that we know anything.

Always keep her fed.

I'm pretty sure we don't want to find out
what happens when she's hungry.

And if she starts to show more symptoms,
like, uh, deterioration or aggression,

you may have to...

What?

Um...

Bash her brains in.

We're realtors.

Okay, until we know more,
we cannot tell anyone about this,

especially your mother.

Although it is hard to imagine
how she'd blow this out of proportion.

What a beautiful afternoon.

We should do something.

- Let's buy a Range Rover.
- Fuck yeah.

No.

We are going home
and coming up with a plan.

We need answers.

How'd this happen? How do we fix it?

- Has it affected anyone else?
- Ooh!

Look what I found.

- Don't eat a snail.
- Oh...

- Crunchy.
- Okay.

Oh, crap.

Hey, Dan. How was work?

- Lisa home?
- No, no.

Should be soon, though, I'm guessing.

- Yeah, I don't know her schedule.
- What are you all doing here?

What are you all doing here?

That's funny.

- We were just talking to Eric.
- Eric? Why?

Because...

we found a football in our backyard,
we thought it might be his.

Eric doesn't own a football
or anything else

that would make him come outside.

That's exactly what he said,
only with less implied criticism, so...

mystery not solved.

Then, uh, where's the football?

- Run.
- Mm-hmm.

- Don't shoot! Don't shoot!
- Shoot her! Shoot her!

We threw it back over the fence.

So, as you would say, "case closed."

"Shoot her, shoot her." Really?

You would be a terrible partner
in a crime spree.

Uh, it's called self-preservation.

And it's an instinct
you should be happy I have.

That is exactly what we don't want.

Now Dan is suspicious.

- What if he asks Eric about it?
- Eric won't say anything.

- How do you know?
- Because Eric hates his stepdad.

That's sad, I feel bad
Eric has a crappy stepdad.

Maybe we should adopt Eric.

Out of the question.

Look, you need to fight this a little.
Be a little less impulsive.

I'm hungry.

And there's no hamburger left.

I'll go get you some food,
but then we're coming up with a plan.

- Keep her here.
- All right.

- I'm serious, don't go anywhere.
- All right.

Whoo!

You should slow down.
I need you to slow down. Please slow down.

- Oh! Oh, God!
- Whoo-hoo!

Faster, faster, faster!

Oh, ohh-ohh!

I got organic,
I don't know if that's still important.

Oh. What happened to your hair?

Where's your mom?

Yes!

I'm glad you finally decided to join us.

This is fantastic.

From now on,
always include me in everything.

I can't believe you just went out
and bought yourself a Range Rover.

I've been wanting one
ever since this morning.

I think it's great.
You're my new role model.

Yeah, if we want something,
we should have it, damn it.

End of story.

I'm gonna get some of those
Christian Louboutins.

They're fucking expensive, but fuck it.

There's a cute guy at the bar
looking at you.

Oh, hello, he is cute. Do you know him?

Oh. His name is Gary.
He just moved here.

You like him. Are you two gonna bone?

- Lisa.
- What?

We decided
we shouldn't deny ourselves things,

and boning is a thing.

Sheila, let's go home.

- No, honey, I don't want to.
- Yeah.

Come on, let's dance.

Sweetheart, you bought a car,
and now you're grinding on the neighbors,

and this is not who you are.

Maybe it is.

Maybe it's who I've always wanted to be.

Maybe it's not who you are.

- Honey.
- Is there a problem?

Oh, God, not you.

Look, Joel, obviously you're upset,
but if Sheila doesn't wanna go with you...

Shut up, Gary.

- Sheila...
- Life should be fun, honey.

And I don't care what
Consumer Reports says, that car is hot.

She wants to have fun, Joel.

And doesn't care what Consumer Reports
says. I heard her, Gary.

- Sheila?
- Then maybe you should go.

You know, 15 years ago,
I would have punched you, once.

I might have dropped you.

If not, you would have beaten
the hell out of me,

'cause I just had the one move,
and you're a substantial man.

But now I have a family,
a career, a life.

I'm not gonna be the guy
who gets into bar fights.

- You mean loses bar fights.
- You're missing my point.

You don't wanna get into a fight
because you're afraid you might lose.

That is exactly wrong.

- The losing is a given.
- Damn straight.

- And it's irrelevant.
- You mean inevitable.

Goddamn it, you're frustrating.

At this point in my life,

- I'm not gonna be the kind of person...
- Who wins a bar fight.

- God fuck, what's the matter with you?
- You are.

I'm trying to explain
a very simple concept.

You are.

I'm just gonna call this a draw
and go home.

Have fun.

Joel, come back.

Hey, I'm sorry for butting in.

I just don't like seeing a woman
treated badly.

- It's not gonna work.
- No? Really? How about this?

- Oh.
- Hmm.

Oh, my.

Huh?

You happy now, big man?

You are.

My manager noticed that
you've been staring at the toaster ovens

for, like, a really long... Oh, it's you.

Hey, do you know which one of these
has a knob without any slack?

No. Does it matter?

I thought so.

I really did, but maybe it doesn't.

Maybe I shouldn't care
about toaster knobs,

or being responsible,
or descending into chaos.

Why should I be the only one in my family
who gives a crap, right?

Who sucks it up?

This one's cheaper.

Maybe I want to have fun,
drive a fancy car,

dance like a sex lunatic, hmm?

- You're a good dancer.
- You're missing the point, Ramona.

I don't want to dance.

And I don't want
another shitty toaster oven.

I'm outta here.

Hi.

Gary.

I rang the bell then I saw your car
in the driveway, so...

I'm just gardening. It relaxes me.

What's up?

I just wanted to make sure
you were all right.

Because I didn't wanna have sex
with you last night?

I'm fine.

We were in the middle of dancing
and then you just strolled off.

I had a lot on my mind.

I ended up walking around all night.

Checked out a Dumpster behind Chili's.

They throw away a lot of raw meat.

Whoa, okay.

- How about we start over?
- I don't think so.

- Are you sure?
- I am.

Are you?

I feel like whatever I say

is just going to mean
you push harder against my vagina.

Okay, I was right.

- Listen, Gary...
- Shh...

How about this?

We have some fun.

You said you're all about fun.

And I don't say anything
to your lame husband.

Or we don't, and I tell him we screwed
four times last night in my beamer.

Your unwillingness
to take no for an answer

has made me feel sexy and desirable.

Hmm?

Uh-huh?

Oh.

Aaah!

I know, weirdest foreplay ever.

You ate my fingers.

- I do not hate your fingers.
- "Ate," ate my fingers.

Ohh...

Sheila?

Sheila, we need to talk.

Last night was bullshit.

Sheila!

Sheil...

Oh, Joel.

I really want to make this work.