Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 6 - The Winning Ticket - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Sixty-four minus 81.

Twenty-three minus 107.

Minus...

What are you up to, Pop?

I'm up to here in debt.

Lamont, the Sanford
and Son empire's

on the brink of
a financial ruin.

If we don't do something fast,

we gonna fall
right on our assets.

I know, Pop.



We haven't had a customer
in over three days, man.

But I don't want you to panic,

because I'm gonna go
get some stuff on the truck

that I know will
sell. All right?

Now, where was I?

[TRUCK STARTS]

Thirty-six minus...

Minus 23... [KNOCKING AT DOOR]

How do you do? I'm
Timmy, the Sign Man.

My sign.

I'm Freddy, the junk man.

My fist.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

Go away!



TIMMY: Okay, but it's
gonna cost you money!

Cost me money?

[LAUGHS]

You see, this week,
I'm having a sale.

All my signs are inexpensive.

Even if they were free,
I couldn't afford one.

Ah, I know. Things
are slow all over.

You can say that again.

Don't have to.

[CHUCKLES]

Shall I stick it in the ground?

You're close.

Sir, I can see you're
a desperate man.

I think I can help you.

How can you help me?

Have you ever heard of
the lucky number contest?

You mean, that's
where a proprietor,

uh, gives away stuff, free?

That's right.

Those gimmicks never work.

A friend of mine
had a gas station.

He used to give away
silverware, dishes and glasses.

And?

And he went broke.

That's just it.

He didn't make the
gimmick attractive enough.

What do you call attractive?

Let's say $200.

Let's say goodbye.

Wait a minute. You
don't understand.

No, you don't understand.

You see, "goodbye" means that
someone is leaving the house.

And since this is my
house... You understand?

But $200 will draw
the customers like flies!

When I want flies, I leave
out some sour ham hocks.

But it won't cost you $200.

All it would cost you
is a small printing fee.

What?

Listen, sit down. Please.

You see, I make up a sign
for you and put your name on it.

In the middle, there's a flap
with the lucky number under it.

Then I print up the lucky
number tickets for your customers.

With every purchase,
you give away a ticket.

Then, in a month,
you remove the flap,

and there's the lucky number!

And there's where I kill myself,

because I don't have the
money to pay the winner.

But you don't need the
money to pay the winner,

because there isn't
gonna be a winner.

You mean when I take the flap
off and show the lucky number,

nobody's gonna have it?

That's right.

You mean the
flap-off is a rip-off?

And the beauty of it is
that no one is gonna know.

How do you figure that?

Because no one ever knows
who wins these contests.

Everybody checks
for their own number.

Who ever bothers
to find out who won?

The police.

And if they find out,

they gonna give
me a unlucky number

across my chest.

See, what you
talking about is illegal.

Maybe theoretically,
but not morally.

That's very good.

So, you see, no one
is getting cheated.

Meanwhile, you've
made them happy.

You've given them
something to look forward to,

something to dream about.

You've made hundreds happy.

And only one of them
could have won anyway.

You know, you're right.
I'd be a good Samaritan.

I'd be doing those
poor fools a favor.

Putting a little
hope in their lives.

How much is this
hope gonna cost me?

I can give you the
whole thing for $25

and have it here in the morning.

It's a deal. Good.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, Timmy, look.

Since it's really not going
to cost me any money,

let's make the prize $500.

$500?

Yeah, I don't want to
think I'm a cheapskate.

You got it.

I'll have it in the morning.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well?

He bought it. He went
for the lucky number con.

[LAUGHS] Oh, that's great!

Greater than you think.

This joker upped the
prize money himself. $500!

Oh, $500, that's fantastic!

Now we wind up with
$25 for the printing,

plus the 500 you're
gonna win with this...

[TOGETHER] The winning ticket!

[LAUGHS]

[KNOCKING]

Good morning, Mr. Sanford.

Here's your lucky number sign
and your lucky number tickets.

And here's your $25.

Thank you, Mr. Sanford.

[LAUGHS]

Hey, listen.

You know, Timmy,
this is a great idea

and I haven't told my son yet,

but I bet he's really gonna
be surprised at the results.

I think you'll
both be surprised.

[BOTH LAUGH]

Well, I've got a lot to do. I
have to be running along. Bye.

Bye.

Hey, son, come here a minute!

What is it, Pop?

I got a surprise here.

Yeah? What's...
What's happening?

Here you go. That's
what I want to show you.

[LAMAONT LAUGHS]

What's so funny, dummy?

It's just that the... The
printer made a mistake.

But don't worry, he can fix it.

Fix what?

Well, see, he left
a decimal point out

and instead of saying $5.00,
it says $500, you know?

That's what I ordered.

Pop, are you crazy? No.

This idea's gonna
put us on easy street.

Is that where the
poorhouse is located?

That's your trouble, son.

You think too small
and worry too big.

I'm gonna take this
outside and see how it looks.

All right.

♪ Easy ♪

Hi, Fred. What's that?

Oh, it's the sign I had made up

announcing my
new contest, Bubba.

What kind of contest?

Ah, see, all you have to do

is buy something
at the regular price

and I give you a
lucky number ticket

and you get a chance
at the grand prize.

Well, what's the grand prize?

$500?

That's right, Bubba.
You see this flap here?

Yeah.

Well, under that
flap is a number.

And when the contest
is over, I lift up the flap

and if you've got the
number on your ticket,

you are the winner.

Hey Fred, can I buy something
now, so I can get my ticket?

Yeah, Bubba. Let's see...

Oh, here's something.

Here's a $2 worth of
outstanding sewer pipe.

That's worthless, Fred.

Bubba, this isn't just
any kind of sewer pipe,

this is from the
sewers of Paris.

You see, the French underground
used this in World War II

for an escape route.

Oh, yeah? Let's see.

Hey, them Frenchmen
sure were skinny.

I'll take it.

Okay. Here.

Here's your money.

Now, give me my ticket.

Here's your ticket.
One to a customer.

[CAR DOORS CLOSING]

Well, how's it going, Pop?

Oh, great, son. I'm making
money hand over fist.

And why don't you put
a fist over your face?

Why don't you shut up, you
old fish-eyed weasel face?

I mean, weasel-eyed fish face.

Look who's talking,
Jaws' mother.

Will you guys stop it?

Now, Aunt Esther came over
here to look for some junk,

so that she can take a chance

on winning the lucky
number contest for the church.

We figured if we win the $500,

we could put on a
bicentennial play for the church.

Yeah, and you
can be the rear end

of what Paul Revere was riding.

Aunt Esther, why don't
you look around the yard

and see if the church could
use any of this stuff. Okay?

All right, Lamont.

I'm gonna go inside

and get myself something
cold to drink, Pop.

Go ahead. Take your
time, son. I can handle it.

Pardon me, may I help you?

Yes, as a matter
of fact, you can.

I'd like to buy this table.

Uh, fine. Do you mind
if I ask you a question?

Uh, no. What...
What... What is it?

Well, I'm taking
kind of a survey.

And I'd like to know,

did you come because of
our lucky number contest?

Uh, yeah. As a matter of fact,

a friend of mine
told me about it.

But I tell you, this table,

I have been
searching high and low

for exactly such a table.

Uh, how high?

Well, 11.18, right?

You didn't look high enough.

81.11.

And $2 for exercise tax.

Exercise tax? Don't
you mean excise tax?

No, exercise.

The exercise I'm gonna get

helping you put
this in your car.

Okay, I'll take it.

And here's your money, sir.

And 11 cents.

There you go.

Your lucky number ticket.

It sure is.

You're not even the least
bit concerned, are you?

About what?

When was the last
time you gave up $500

without getting
something in return?

Last April, when I
paid my income tax.

Here.

What's this?

That's your half of the profits
we made in the past three weeks.

There's $175 here, Pop.

You mean to tell me
we've only made $350

since this contest started?

That's right.

That's just great, Pop.

We hold a lucky number
contest to make money,

and it ends up costing us.

Not true. It's not
gonna cost us a penny.

And how do you figure that?

Well, I didn't want
to tell you this before,

but I made a deal
with the printer,

and there isn't
any lucky number.

The only numbers
you have to worry about

is the numbers on
them green ones.

The number under the flap

doesn't match
any of the tickets.

Pop, are you kidding?
That's against the law.

Only theoretically...

but not morally.

Well, I can see that somebody
put those words into your mouth.

What are you gonna
tell Bubba, Pop?

The man's got his heart
set on winning this contest.

Bubba knows that all of his life

the odds have been against him.

Pop, if this thing
were legitimate,

he would at least
stand a chance.

I don't know how
to tell you this, Pop.

What?

I'm ashamed of you.

That's how to say it.

Come on out, Fred Sanford!

Show us your flap!

Yeah, Fred! Today's the day!

All right, all right, all right.

Here it is.

Let's get ready for the
lucky number drawing.

We've been ready, fool.
Just show us the numbers.

All right, all right.

But first, if anybody
wants to change his mind,

just return your
purchase with your ticket

and I'll refund your
money, of course.

Of course, you'll blow your
chance of winning the $500.

Come on. Pull the flap, Fred!

Yeah, let's get
on with it! All right.

Good luck, everybody.

Of course, everybody
can't have good luck,

but what I really wanna...

Why don't you just shut
your trap and open your flap?

You ready?

The lucky number is:

76987.

If you got it... Anybody got it?

Bring it right up.
Claim your money.

Aw, nuts.

Come on, let's go, Esther.

Oh, cheer up, Bubba.
There's always bingo.

Aw, bingo.

76987 going once...

Well, I guess the
winner isn't here.

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford?
Sorry that none of my...

Excuse me, Mr. Sanford?

I got it. I won. There it is.

Oh, I don't need that.

You can take the losing
ticket and tear it up.

No, no. No, hold on.
Hold on, Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, hold it.

This is not the losing one.
This is the winning one.

It's the what?

The winning one.

[LAUGHS]

What are you talking about?

The winning number: 76987.

That's not the winning number.

The winning number is 76987...

That's what I got!

The winning one!

And guess what I got!

The big one!

Look, Mr. LaDuke, there
must be some mistake.

Look, there's no mistake.

I mean, I got the winning
ticket, and I want my money.

Don't worry, you're
gonna get your money.

It's just that we don't keep that
much cash around the house.

Well, look, I understand.

I just wanna know,
when am I gonna get it?

Let's give it to him now, son.

I tell you what, you
come back later,

and I promise you
you'll get your money.

Yeah. Oh, I know I will.

Because if not, I'll just have
a little talk with the police.

Now what are we gonna do, Pop?

We don't have
that kind of money.

Let's start speaking Portuguese.

Then what?

Then we apply for foreign aid.

There's something
fishy around here, Pop.

First you make a
deal with this guy

for this lucky number contest,

then this joker shows up
with the winning number.

I think we've been had, Pop.
Those guys are working together.

Well, I'm sorry, son.
Business was bad...

Let me look at these tickets.

Now, these are
just ordinary tickets

that you could have made
up at any stationery store, Pop.

Those guys are working
together and we've been had,

and we can't even
go to the police

because you were a party
to the fraud in the first place.

Hold it. Hold it right there.

Listen to this.

"In case of a tie, the
awarding of the prize

is left to the
discriminating judge."

That's "discreetion"
of the judge.

So we haven't
anything to worry about.

How do you figure that?

I'll tell you when I get
back from shopping.

Shopping? What
are you gonna buy?

A judge.

Pop, are you sure
this is gonna work?

Don't worry, son.
Everything's gonna be all right.

Here he comes now.

You answer the
door and look happy.

All right.

[KNOCKING]

Come in, Mr. LaDuke.

You got my money?

Yeah, just, uh, right over here.

[KNOCKING AT DOOR]

I'll get it, son. I wonder
who that could be.

Nobody's supposed to come here.

Well, hello, stranger.

Praise the Lord!
Today is my lucky day!

Why? Because you looked in
the mirror, and it didn't break?

What do you want?

I'm the winner of your
lucky number contest

and I want my money.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the money

I've got coming on
this ticket, turkey!

Call me a turkey again

and I'll baste you
with a couple of these.

Son, there seem to be
a little confusion here.

What's the matter, Pop?

Well, this lady says she's
got the winning ticket too.

Wait a minute.
That's impossible.

Well, you must be
reading that wrong.

Let me have a look at that.

76987.

This is really strange.

There are two tickets with
the same winning number.

Yeah, and I get the feeling

somebody's trying to pull
something around here,

and I don't understand it.

I don't understand either,

but it looks like this lady
has a legitimate ticket,

and you got a
legitimate ticket too.

Uh, your ticket is
legitimate, isn't it?

Well, of course it is.

You gave it to me yourself
when you sold me that table.

Oh, that's right. I remember.

And you gave me
mine too, bingo brain.

Well, there's only
one way to settle this.

We're gonna have
to go by the rules.

Rules? What rules?

The rules on the
back of the ticket.

"In case of a tie, the
awarding of the prize

is left to the 'discreetio
" of the judge."

Well, there's no judge here.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, judge? BUBBA: Yeah?

You're on!

Hear ye, hear ye, hear ye!

Come to order!

Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute!

I mean, what's going on here?

And who's this supposed to be?

Well, like it said
on the ticket,

in case of a tie, you've
got to have a judge.

Mr. LaDuke, this
is Judge Bexley.

Just call me "Your Bubbaship."

Well, Your Honor,

I get the feeling somebody's
trying to cheat me.

Is this man calling me a crook?

Well, hold it, Aunt
Esther. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Now, everybody,
just cool it, okay?

Now there appears
to be two tickets

with the same number.

What do you... What
do you say, judge?

Well, seeing that the printer
who printed those tickets

is probably the cause
of this whole mess,

we'll all adjourn to
his place of business

and have a talk with him.

And we'll pick up a
policeman along the way.

A policeman? Wait a minute.

Mr. Sanford, we don't
need a policeman, do we?

Sure we do.

And an ambulance.

With my heart condition,

I could have the
big one any minute.

It would be the
printer's fault too,

and that's murder
in the second degree.

Uh, m-murder? Hold it.

Look, Your Honor, there's
gotta be something else we...

We can work out.

Alright, lady, how about
if we just split the money?

So be it.

$250 to Mr. LaDuke and
$250 to Mrs. Stranger.

Mr. Sanford, you'll
pay Mrs. Stranger

and Mr. LaDuke, you'll get
your half from the printer.

The printer?

Case closed!

Now, wait a minute, Mr. Sanford.

You can't allow this to happen.

Oh, I feel the big
one coming on.

All this aggravation
is killing me.

BUBBA: Killing?

I'll call the police!

Hold it. Hold it, Your Honor.

Okay, fair is fair.

I mean, when you're
right, you're right.

And the lady has
got the $250 and...

Anybody wanna buy a table?

I didn't think so.

Yeah, y-yeah, yeah.

[LAUGHING]

OK, Esther. Now give
me my money back.

I ain't giving you nothing,
you old heathen crook!

I'm trying to win something
here for the church,

and you're here
running a crooked game.

This money's already
been earmarked

to do the work of the Lord.

Oh, glory!

If you don't give me my money,

you're gonna be earmarked
for some intensive care.

What about me,
Esther? I helped too.

That's right.
Here's $50 for you.

And the rest is for my church.

Praise the Lord.

Thank you, Esther.

Hey, Fred, when's
your next contest?

Right now.

How would you
like to take a chance

on getting out of
here with my money?

Pop, just hold it, Pop.

Now, let Bubba keep the
money, because you were wrong.

At least this way,
you're halfway honest.

And besides, we got a pretty
nice profit to show for it, Pop.

You're right, son.

That's right. You a fine
young man, Lamont.

Fred Sanford, you
ought to thank the Lord

for sending you such a wise son

and two wonderful
friends like Bubba and me.

LAMONT: She's
right, Pop. She's right.

Yeah.

Thanks for sending
me such a wise son

and for sending me
two wonderful friends

like Bubba and Esther.

That's wonderful, Fred!

But since I only need
one wonderful friend...

please, Lord,

pick up the tall, ugly
one at your convenience.

It's the "Guess how many
jellybeans in the jar" contest.

Well, how many
beans are in there?

How should I know?

The winner of the
contest will tell us.

You know what?

There's only one way to tell
how many beans are in that jar.

Start counting.

One, two, three...
Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Bubba. What
you so happy about?

I just bowled my
highest game: 185!

186, 187, 188...

Bubba, why don't you
stick a 7-pin in your right ear,

and put a... Stick a 10-pin
in your left ear and split?

What are you so mad about, Fred?

Because I'm counting these...

These beans here
for a new contest

and you keep throwing me off.

Oh, I'm sorry. What
does the winner get?

The bowl and the
jellybeans that are left.

One, two...

Hey, Lamont, did you see
the football game last night?

No, I went out last
night, Bubba. Who won?

The Rams pulled it out in
the last quarter, 31 to 27.

28, 29... Only 45
seconds left to play.

46, 47... Over 70,000 fans!

70,001, 70,002...

Bubba.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

That's okay, Bubba.

Hey, you're losing
weight, aren't you?

See!

Hold it right there, Bubba.

That gives me an
idea for a new contest.

What? Guess how
much weight I've lost?

No, guess how many
beans in Bubba's pants.

[YELLS]

[♪♪♪]