Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 3 - California Crude - full transcript

While Fred and Lamont are digging a garden, oil is discovered underground at the junk yard. Fred sees millions but before any money can be paid it must first be tested.



Daddy's home. Did you miss me?

You pretty little green things.

Are you thirsty?

Well, lookie here.

Are you happy?

Oh... Ye... Ernie,
you look droopy!

I'll cheer you up.

Have you heard this one?

There was a junkman, he
had a garden in his junkyard

and he was raising
corn and beans.

And guess what he got?


Did you get it?

Got it.

Uh, hello, son.

I was just talking to
my little friends here.

Well, why don't you
ask your little friends

if they'll help you
clean up this mess?

What is this?

This is my new hobby.

Making a mess is your hobby?

I thought it was your lifestyle.

Listen, son, this is soil.

I'm taking up gardening.

Since when?

Since I sold my stamp collection
and spent my coin collection.

Hey, that sounds great, Pop.

Yeah. You see, it's this program
called the "Galloping Geranium,"

and last week, this guy
taught me how to grow

lettuce and tomatoes and
radishes and stuff like that.

Hey, you know, that
gives me an idea, Pop.

We've got a lot of
room in the yard.

Why don't we plant
our own vegetables?

You mean it?

Yeah! We could do it together.

It would be like a
father-and-son hobby.

That's nice, Lamont.

I mean, I didn't know you
were interested in gardening.

Why not?

Well, up to now,

the only thing you've grown
is dumber and dumber.

FRED: We're doing fine, son.

Very fine. Be
careful there, now.

Don't bruise my tomatoes.

This gardening is
hard work, ain't it?

You know, you're
unbelievable, Pop.

We're supposed to be
doing this thing together, man.

We're supposed to
be in the soil together.

Wasn't I right in there
with you yesterday?

Only because you dozed
off and fell into the squash.

But, son, see, at my
age and in this hot sun,

I could have the
big one any time.

Don't give me that, Pop.

For the last few days, I've been
killing myself with this garden

and all you do is sit in that
lounge chair and give me orders.

I'm the gardening expert.
You're the gardener.

See? You're the
Indian. I'm the chief.

Yeah. Sitting Bull.

I'm taking a break.
I'm going in the house.

Well, listen, son, while
you're going in there,

will you freshen this up for me?

I'll help.

One, two.

One, two, three.

One, two.

One, two, three.

That's great, Charo.

You know, you look
better on television.

I'm Professor Leonard Miller,
Cal Tech Poly, Phi Beta Kappa.

Well, I'm Fred Sanford,

Polly wanna cracker,
I sell her junk-a.

Well, how do you do, sir?

You see, I'm a geologist,

and my specialty
is rock formations.

Oh, really?

Well, maybe you can tell me
how Gladys Knight found her Pips.

Er, no, Mr. Sanford.
See, I'm a scientist.

I study the earth.

Well, how would you
like to study the stars?

I don't think you
understand, Mr. Sanford.

You see, now, this
is 34 north latitude,

and 118 west longitude, right?

This is 9114 South Central.

This is a junkyard.

Now, can I help
you with something?

No. But I think I can
help you with something.

Now, I've been
studying oil strikes

in the southern California area.

Look at this.

Now, the Baldwin
Hills oil strike is here.

The La Brea Tar Pits are here

and the Santa
Barbara strikes up here.

Now, if I connect these
three lines and form a triangle,

and then bisect the hypotenuse,

the fourth line
brings me right here.

Right here.

And you know what's
under there, don't you?


I planted it yesterday.

Ah, no, Mr. Sanford.


Are you crazy?

If there was some oil under
there, I'd have found it myself.

But my map has
lead me right here.

That's understandable.

See, this is a junkyard and
your map is a piece of junk.

But Mr. Sanford, I
can prove my theory.

Hand me that shovel.

Oh, no, no, no.

You can't dig with this shovel.

Why not?

Because, A, this
is not your shovel...

All right, I'll buy it.

And B, it's an antique.

What, that? Why, that's
just an ordinary shovel.

No, no, no. Your
eyes deceive you.

This priceless treasure

helped Hannibal cross the Alps.


Did you ever march behind
200 elephants without a shovel?

Well, where did you get it?

A friend of mine, a scholar
of that period, gave it to me.

Oh, well, well! What's his
name? Perhaps I know him.

Oh, you wouldn't know him.

It's, uh, er, it's
Professor, uh, J.C. Penny.

I don't believe I know him.


Well, my goodness,

how can you put
a price tag on that?

Like this.

Fifteen dollars. I'll take it!

I'll sell it.

LAMONT: Hey, Pop, you know...

I'm sorry. I didn't know
you had a customer.

Oh, that's all right, son.

I'd like you to meet
Professor Leonard Miller.

What's happening?
How do you do, sir?

Well, I guess I'll get
back to the garden.

Would you hand me that shovel?

Oh, no, no!

You can't dig in the garden

with a priceless
shovel like this.

Priceless? That old shovel...

Now, now, listen. Put that
priceless shovel somewhere safe.

You be sure you come
back here real soon.

Well... Well, what
about the oil?

Uh, change it every 2000 miles.

And happy motoring.

You mind telling me
what that was all about?

About 15 bucks.

That's what he paid
for that old rusty shovel.

I guess there's a sucker
born every minute.

Yeah, and that
was an hour's worth.

Well, Pop, are you gonna
help me with this garden, now?

Son, I did my part.

I got us a scarecrow.

Yeah, see...

This is guaranteed to scare
away slugs and snails and birds.

You know, you've
gone too far, now.

I don't want anything
to do with this.

From now on,
this is your garden.

Then step aside.

I now dedicate the first annual

Fred G. Sanford
vegetable garden.


What did you do?

My thumb is greener
than I thought it was.

I've struck prune juice!

Hey, Pop!

Pop! FRED: Coming right down.

Well, hurry up, man.

The guy from the oil company
will be here any minute.

What are you trying to do?

Well, you see, son,
it's all psychological.

See, these days, the
Arabs control all the oil.

And if this guy
thinks I'm an Arab,

he won't try to pull a fast one.

Well, you're the first
Arab I've ever seen

whose caftan says,
"Property of El Segundo Inn."

Well, don't worry, son.

He'll fall for it.

See, because I'm familiar
with all of those Eastern culture.

See, we've got
cousins in Philadelphia.

That doesn't count.

The man is gonna
see right through you.

He will?

He's gonna know you're a fake.

You don't know the first
thing about Arab culture.

Are you kidding?

Remember I used to date
that belly dancer for six months?

Well, what did you learn?


Pop, this whole thing...

Would you stop that?

Pop, this whole
thing is ridiculous.

Arabs don't even
dress like that anymore.

Really, son?

The only Arabs
that dress like that

are the ones that
you see on television.

Now, take that off before
you make fools out of us.

Well, I'm just trying to help.

Well, you should have never
put it on in the first place.

Give me this.

I made it up out of
some stuff I found.


I'll get it.

Good afternoon.

My name is Abdula Aram.


Hear that, son, El Fake-o.

I'm the Man from Glad.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I'm
looking for Mr. Fred Sanford.

Hey, this guy is
good, ain't he, son?

Even got the accent down pat.


I do not understand.

Oh, man, cut it out!

We know Arabs don't
look like that no more.

And take off that fake beard.


I'm sorry. I didn't
know it was real.

Of course it is real!

That is my very own hairs
on my little chinny-chin-chin!

Why did you pull it?

B-because that's how
Americans say hello.

It is?

This is a form of greeting
I have never heard of.

Well, everybody does it.

Really? Uh-huh.

Good afternoon.


Oh, I will never get used to

your American customs.

I am having so much
trouble with assimilation.

Well, you should
eat more roughage.


Oh, Mr. Aram, about the oil...

Yes. Yes. It will be
ready in a moment.

The test is almost
completed here.


It is just as I thought!

This is crude.

Pure crude!

Listen, just because we live
in Watts, don't insult our oil.

Oh, no, no, no! You
misunderstand, Mr. Sanford.

In oil terminology,
"crude" is good.


[IMITATING ACCENT] Er, how much?

Well, of course,

everything depends on
the amount of the yield

but it could be
worth, er, millions.

LAMONT: Millions?




Millions, son!




I am prepared to
make you an offer

for the oil rights to your well.

ARAM: I will be back tomorrow

with the assayers and
with the necessary papers

and a blank check.

Thanks a lot, Mr. Aram.

Thank you very much. Not at all.

May the camel of your prosperity

always provide two
humps for your comfort.

I can live with that.

Salaam alaikum.

Yeah, some a-like 'em
hot, some a-like 'em cold.

Hey, Pop, I don't
believe it, man. We're rich.

We're really rich, Pop.

It's not "Pop" anymore.

It's "father."

And to everyone
else, it's Frederick.

Frederick G. Sanford.

And the G is for "Gusher."

Yoo-hoo! Rich dummy.

Very funny. Very funny.

Where have you been all day?

Son, what do rich people
enjoy more than anything else?

Poor people.

No, Lamont.

Rich people always love
to spend money all the time.

Then they get famous
places named after them:

Rockefeller Center...
Kennedy Center.

Uh, Carnegie Hall.

Monty Hall.

Why don't you haul
yourself out of here?

Hey, show Lamont
what you bought, Fred.

"Bought"? Pop, we haven't
seen a penny of that money yet.

I hope you didn't go crazy

and go and buy
something expensive.

Son, you only go
around once in life,

and you ought
to do it with gusto.

You bought beer?

No, son. Here.

Try this here.

$60 an ounce.

Hey, Pop, that
stuff's against the law.

It's caviar.

Don't worry. Smell it.

Eugh! FRED: Huh?

That stuff smells terrible!
What's it made out of?

Fish eggs.



Roe, dummy. Roe!

He will if you get the boat.



Just a little boat, son.


You bought a boat?

It's on lay away.

Pop, we can't afford a boat.

And besides, we live
in central Los Angeles.

Where are we gonna keep it?

On the lake.

What lake?

The lake next to
our summer home.

You bought a summer home?

Pop, look, you've
got to forget about

buying all of this stuff, man.

Once we get some money,

then we can figure
out what to do with it.

Does that mean I won't
be behind the wheel

of a new Cadillac?

You promised Bubba
a new Cadillac?

No, I was going to
let him chauffer mine.


Oh, that must be
Mr. Aram. I'll get it.

Good day, Mr. Sanford.


Good day, Mr. Aram.


Beautiful day, is it not?

Will be, when you
hand over that check.

Uh-uh. Not so fast.

We must wait for the assayers.

What are they assaying?

I don't know. They
are a-whispering.


That used to kill them
down on the oasis!

How long is it going to
take before we know?

Oh, not much longer.

Please, be patient, hey?



Er, excuse me a moment.

I have to check
something outside.

See, they're having
a conference.

I wonder what it's about, Fred.

They probably have to wire
Cairo for some more money.


I don't like it, Pop.
I'm getting nervous.

Hey, well, son, here.

Relax yourself. Here's a cigar.

Here, Bub.

Mr. Sanford.

Ah, have a cigar, Mr. Aram.

Oh, thank you very much.

May the smoke from your hookah
always be sweet upon your lips.

I can live with that too.


I'm afraid I have some bad news,

Mr. Sanford.

You don't like my cigar?

No, the cigar is priceless.

It is your well
that is worthless.

Worthless? Worthless?

Look, don't talk
with your mouthful.

It sounded like
you said worthless.

That is exactly what I said.

But you tested it yourself.
You said it was pure crude.

Well, that was the first quart.

But we tried the rest. It
proved out to be pure sludge.

This happens sometimes.

Oh, you said the well
could be worth millions.

That was before it was assayed.

Yeah, but we shook on it.

In this country, when you shake,
that means you've got a deal.

Alas, I am not familiar with
the customs of your country.

Well, maybe I
should introduce you

to the custom of the big five.


Believe me, I am sorry

that things did not work out.

May the palms of your oasis
always drop dates in your arms.

And may the palms of my
hand drop your teeth at my feet!


BUBBA: It sure is a shame, Fred.

All your dreams up in smoke.

Smoke. Smoke! Smoke!


Come on, Pop.
Snap out of it, man.

It's not the end of
the world, you know.

Oh, yeah? I'm the
laughing stock of Watts.

You read the paper?

"Junkman's Crude Turns to Crud."

Well, I'd like to stay here

and console you,
but I can't, Pop.

I've got to return

all that expensive
stuff you bought.


Oh, hi, Professor
Miller. Come on in.

I'm back! See you later, Pop.

Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford.
Thank you so much.

You proved my
theory was correct.

We struck oil!

You're wrong. We struck out.

That oil well is worthless.

Oh, well, not to
me, Mr. Sanford.

You see, that's why I'm here.

I'd like to dig in
your dead oil well.

I just think you're crazy.
Ain't no oil in the oil well.

Nothing but some
slippery zucchini.

Mr. Sanford, Mr. Sanford,

I might find something
of scientific importance.

And you'd be doing

a great service
to the university.

Mr. Sanford, do you realize

how expensive it
is to do research?


Twenty dollars a day,
in advance. You dig?

Yes. I dig.

Well, here's your $20.

And, now, all I find,
I keep. You dig?

No, no. $20 a day, you dig.

$30 a day, you keep. You dig?

Well, in the name of
higher education, I'll pay it.

And in the name of
lower income, I'll take it.

Well, professor,

good luck and take
all the time you want.

Well, thank you, sir.

♪ If I kiss you ♪

♪ On your two lips ♪

♪ Will you pardon me? ♪

♪ Come tip-toe ♪

♪ Through the tulips ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ Bee-bee dee-dee ♪

♪ Bee-bee ♪

Hello, darling.

♪ Tip-toe Through the window ♪♪

Did you take care
of everything, son?

Did you talk to Professor
Miller like I asked you, Pop?

He hasn't been by yet,

but when he comes by,
I'll tell him to stop digging.

See that you do.

In the meantime, I'm gonna
go out here to a swap meet

and see if I can't get this
business back on its feet.


Mr. Sanford. Mr. Sanford!

You said my map was a piece
of junk, but you were wrong!

We're famous!

Professor Miller,

didn't my father tell you
that oil well was worthless?

Yes, yes, I know that.

But I found something in
there when I was digging.

What? A bone.

A bone?

Well, you better get out of
here before Lassie comes home.

No, Mr. Sanford. This
was a human leg bone!

Well, I didn't do
it! I didn't do it!

I swear I was at
the movies that night

watching Godzilla Eats
the Menudo Monster.

Mr. Sanford, this was
a human leg bone!

And it was over 5000 years old!

See, there. I told
you I was innocent.

I didn't get to
California until 1936.

Pop, would you let him finish?

Mr. Sanford, I
sold it this morning

to a museum for $10,000.

It was an original
California caveman bone.

That wasn't no
California caveman bone.

That was my bone. That was
my hole, my bone and my money.

Oh, no, sir. We
agreed it was mine.

But you'll be happy to
know that I used the money

to set a up a research
fund in both our names.

I think that's great,
Professor Miller.

Well, don't you, Pop?

Look, I don't care
what you're thinking,

there's nothing
you can do about it.

Oh, no?

Out of my way.

What are you doing?

Unless that caveman

was a relative of Peg-Leg Bates,

there's another leg
out there somewhere.

Hey, Pop?

FRED: Over here, son. Come here.

What are you doing
sitting here in the dark?


What are you doing
sitting here in the dark?

This is my new
hobby, tropical fish.

See, that's Louise
and that's Pete.

And we gonna make us a fortune.

By sitting in the
dark watching them?

No, son.

See, we're gonna mate them.

And then... See,
they're rare fish.

$7.50 a piece.

And soon as they have
babies, we'll sell them.

Hey, you know, Pop,

I think you really
got something here.

We just sit back and relax
and the fish do all the work.

Yeah. Right.

Hey, you know how
fast fish multiply.

We'll be rich in no time.

Hey, Pop, can I
ask you something?

Huh? Why are we whispering?

Because I want
everything to be just right.

Hey, put that record
on, "Ebb Tide."

That drives them crazy.

And, you know, Pop,
this is a great idea.

Yeah, and it's only
a matter of time, see,

because they've been
nuzzling all afternoon.

Well, let me ask you something.

How can you tell which is which?

Well, see, the female is
the one with the headache.

And... See, well,
look in this pamphlet

and then you'll
find out about it.

Okay, let me see here.

It says here that,

"The male of the species
is clearly identifiable

by a thin red
stripe on the tail."



I hate to be the
one to tell you this,

but both of these fish are male.

You mean...?


Well, don't put on "Ebb Tide."

Put on "He's Funny That Way."