Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 2 - The Hawaiian Connection: Part 2 - full transcript
Fred and Lamont visit Hawaii tourist attractions while running for their lives from the jewel thieves.
NARRATOR: This is Hawaii.
This is a palm tree.
And this is a coconut.
[HAWAIIAN GUITAR PLAYING]
Last week, Fred
and Lamont got here
because of these three crooks.
Now that you stoled
all of these diamonds,
can we go home now?
Right.
Hey, did you check the airport?
Yep. Got cops
all over the place.
We'll never get past them.
How about the cruise ships?
Same thing.
Look, what I reckon,
they're going to search
us from head to toe.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
What this means,
we're going to have to
find some real clean pigeon
to get them diamonds
back into California for us.
NARRATOR: This is a pigeon.
And the crooks hid the
diamonds in his suitcase.
Some junk association.
I'll just resign,
that's what I'll do.
Either I broke my glasses, or
we in Zsa Zsa Gabor's old room.
Pop, you didn't
bring your glasses.
These are the diamonds that
everybody's been looking for.
Then by the process
of elimination,
we in big trouble.
NARRATOR: They're on their
way home to return the diamonds
to Smitty and Hoppy.
Excuse, please.
Is this the flight
to San Francisco?
Uh, no, sir. Next
counter. Thank you.
ATTENDANT: Now, sir,
checking these through to L.A.?
Not the black one.
ATTENDANT: You can't,
sir. I'll check it for you.
No, wait a minute.
Look. You can't...
Don't tell me what I can't...
Remember, they don't
get off this island alive.
We'll be back in a minute
with the conclusion of
"The Hawaiian Connection."
[♪♪♪]
[WHISTLES]
Hey!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
GLADYS: Hey!
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
LAMONT: If you can lose
that car that's following us,
there's a 20 in it for you.
LAMONT: Hey, could
you drive a little faster?
FRED: Hey, cabby,
we're new in town.
Do you know a
good place to hide?
CABBY: Just tell me
where you want to go.
FRED: Are you familiar
with El Segundo?
CABBY: All right. Come on. Out!
You don't know where you
wanna go, you'll get out here.
It's enough.
Listen, I'm reporting you to
the Better Business Bureau.
Pop, would you stop arguing
with the man? Let's get out of here.
What about my fare?
Is it fair to drop us in
the middle of nowhere?
Listen, I got a cab here.
There's a meter going, and I...
Hey! Hey!
DAVIS: Okay, we
got 'em now. Let's go!
MAN: ♪ One paddle,
two paddle Three paddle ♪
♪ Four to take me home ♪
♪ Fourteen on the right
Fourteen on the left ♪
♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪
♪ No ka best ♪
♪ Take me to my lover ♪
♪ My fair lover
I left long ago ♪
♪ Seen enough sorrow
To last a lifetime ♪
♪ I'm going away no more ♪
♪ Back to Hawaii shore ♪
♪ Singing ♪
♪ One paddle,
paddle Two paddle ♪
♪ Four to take me home ♪
♪ Fourteen on the right
Fourteen on the left ♪
♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪
♪ No ka best ♪
♪ Hawaii is the best ♪
♪ Better than the rest ♪
♪ Hawaii no ka best ♪♪
["BEER BARREL POLKA" PLAYING]
All right, everyone,
all the grandfathers.
Let's have everybody on-stage.
All the grandfathers,
it's your turn.
You a grandfather? Yeah.
Come on up.
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
Everybody!
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We've got the
blues On the run ♪
♪ Sing to the rhythm ♪
♪ Sing out a song
Of good cheer ♪
♪ Now's the time To
roll out the barrel ♪
♪ For the gang's all here ♪♪
Give a nice hand for
the grandpas, everybody.
Give the grandfathers here...
Thank this grandfather.
Yeah! We love your work.
Let's get the car
and get after them
before they get out of sight.
FRED: Aloha! I'll
take care of your car.
MAN: Thank you.
[ENGINE BACKFIRES, TIRES SQUEAL]
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
Yeah, sure. I know, I...
I love you too.
Yeah, but I-I don't... like
you to call me here at the...
Uh... uh, hold on,
darling. I got another call.
Ahem. Uh, chief here.
What? Lost! What? What
do you mean? How did you...?
How could you lose him?
Huh?
You were with Don who?
Oh, Ho.
Yeah. Did you stay
for the whole show?
Aw, that's too bad.
You might have got lucky,
got a chance to get up there
with the other grandfathers
and learn how to do
the hula-hula, huh?
Blong-blong-blong...
No, I agree with
you. Some other time.
Say, listen,
Davis still thinks that
Sanford's got the diamonds.
He's got them stashed
away someplace.
And he's gonna find
out where or kill him.
So go out there and find him.
Get them back.
Right.
Hello?
Oh! Y-yeah, but...
Uh, all right. Tonight.
Out behind Coco Head, dear.
LAMONT: What now?
FRED: Now we head
back to the airport.
They won't think
of looking there.
LAMONT: Pop, are you sure
you know where you're going?
FRED: Sure I know. I got a
built-in compass in my nose.
Now we could use that
compass in your nose.
How would you like
a fist in your mouth?
Pop, what are we doing here?
They only got
fish in this place.
Well, let's have
a tuna sandwich.
We'll figure something
out. Come on.
DAVIS: Okay. Let's go. Come on.
GLADYS: Hey! Aw!
Come on. Get out of there.
Hey, Pop, we're trapped here,
man. They're going to get us.
Listen, son, don't worry.
If they find us, I'll tell them
you forced me to
go along with you.
Thanks a lot, hero.
WILLS: They gotta
be here someplace.
Are you going to shoot them?
Oh, come on.
Don't talk like that.
No, we're just going to find
out where they hid the diamonds.
Oh, good.
Then we'll shoot them.
They've got to be
here someplace.
Let's try the boat.
DAVIS: Anything moves, shoot.
WILLS: You got it.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
Don't move!
WILLS: All right,
get out of there.
You'll never take me alive.
You want to hear my speech
for the panel discussion?
They're going to shoot you.
Gladys, would you kindly
go feed yourself to the fishes?
Glad to see you, Mr. Smith.
DAVIS: Where are the diamonds?
Uh, Africa, mostly. See, I
was reading in this book...
Listen, Brillo-face.
Now, you've got a million
dollars worth of our diamonds.
And we want them.
We don't know where
the diamonds are.
Somebody switched bags with us.
But you found them.
We found them. But we
don't have the diamonds now.
WILLS: You expect
us to believe you?
Believe him.
He used to go to Sunday school.
Sometime we'll set aside a day
to listen to a dissertation
on his religious background.
In the meantime, we want you to
tell us: Where are the diamonds?
And then he's
going to shoot you.
Look, we don't
have the diamonds.
Maybe a couple
of slugs in your toes
will jog your father's memory.
One of you had
better start talking,
or else this kid here is going
to get a .38-caliber pedicure.
You got a count of three.
My baby.
WILLS: One.
Pop!
And you were
such a great dancer.
Two. Oh, Pop.
Would you stand over there, son?
Freeze!
POLICEMAN: Give me that.
Get them out of here.
POLICEMAN 2: Come
on, let's go. Move it.
Hey, thanks. He was
just about to shoot.
We always show
up at the last minute.
But may I say,
that is our style.
Well, I say your style stinks.
You two have a couple
of questions to answer too.
Why? We haven't done anything.
Haven't done anything!
Not returning stolen property.
Not paying for a taxi from
the airport to the nightclub.
Skipping on an $8
cover charge at Don Ho's.
Doing a rotten
hula. Stealing a car.
How's that for a start?
Well, how's this for a finish?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
COMMANDER: How's
your mai tai, Freddy?
FRED: Not bad, chief. Good.
Uh, excuse me, chief, do you
think we could go home now?
Aw, I guess so.
You straightened just
about everything out.
Except, of course,
the whereabouts of a million
dollar's worth of diamonds.
Well, we'll pay you
back a dollar a week.
Yeah. Well, at least you
helped us round up the crooks.
That's something, huh?
The diamonds... Ha! The
way it goes sometimes, hey?
Are you going to stop
looking for them now?
Oh, no, no. No, we never stop.
That's our motto here at Five-0.
What's the motto?
"We never stop."
Well, I guess
we'll be going now.
Yeah, your flight
to the mainland
leaves in about an hour.
So aloha and mahalo.
Yeah. Licky-licky,
likey-likey-lukey.
Howdy doody. Aloha.
Yeah, right. Let me show you...
I'm going back to my
little grass shack in Watts.
Yankee aloha... What?
Why, Mr. Sanford.
What a nice surprise.
You didn't stay very long.
Oh, no, we had to cut it short.
Got to dash to Switzerland
to make a deposit.
Well, you're in 5A and B.
Thank you. Let's go, Pop.
Well! If it isn't
Wilbur and Orville.
Right.
Wilbur and Orville Wright. Good.
Good!
[GIGGLES]
It wasn't all that bad, Pop.
At least we got to
spend one day in the sun.
Maybe we'll go
back again soon, son,
in first class, all the way.
You know, Pop,
Hawaii would be
a fantastic place
to spend your honeymoon.
Yeah. Janet would love it.
The three of us would
have a great time.
Would you like to take
a look at the menu?
I'll get your order
in just a minute.
Hey, Pop, before the food comes
and the trays have to go down,
don't you think you
should go wash up?
Am I dirty?
No, see, I don't mean
that you're dirty...
Well, then, say what you mean.
Well, why don't you
go to the bathroom now
so you won't disrupt
everybody's meal?
Look, don't treat
me like I'm a baby.
I'm old enough to
know when I got to go
and when I don't have to go.
I'm not a baby. Okay. I'm sorry.
Well, then, out of
the way. I got to tinkle.
Oh, it's you again.
Yeah, me again.
But at least I got an excuse.
How come you going home so soon?
I couldn't get a room,
all because of some
dumb junk convention.
Junk convention?
You should have stayed
on as one of the displays.
Listen, fuzz face,
you make one move toward
that washroom door before me
and you get flushed
into the Pacific.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Ahem. I'll go later.
Are they here yet?
In a minute. They'll call
when they're landing.
They weren't supposed
to be back for a week.
I guess Fred missed me.
Yeah, that's right.
Unless he can insult somebody,
he can't have a good time.
Aloha! We're here!
Oh, welcome home, Fred.
BUBBA: How come
you're back so early, Fred?
LAMONT: Ah, it's
a long story, Bubba.
You'll probably
hear it on the news.
You got into some kind
of trouble, didn't you?
Uh-uh. Not till I looked at you.
Hey, what happened, Pop?
Well, pull up a pineapple
and I'll make you a mai
tai and tell you all about it.
You see... [HAWAIIAN
GUITAR PLAYS]
And so I'm a national
hero of Waikiki.
See, I captured the crooks
and I'm an honorary
member of Hawaii Five-0.
Lamont helped too.
Hey, that's fantastic, Fred.
Especially the part where
Don Ho didn't show up
and you did the whole show.
Yeah. Especially that part.
And when you fought
the sharks to save Lamont!
That was wonderful.
Thanks, Jaws.
Hey, Pop, look,
all this is cool, man,
but what really happened
to the diamonds?
Well, they got
turned into cameras.
Somebody's walking around
with a suitcase with a false bottom.
Well, it can't be Esther,
because hers is real.
Well, at least you
saw Hawaii, man.
Yeah, and it didn't
cost us anything.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Come in!
You are Mr. Fred G. Sanford?
That's me. Want
to take a picture?
Get one of her. Save
you a trip to the zoo.
Hey, Pop, that
looks like our bag.
That's right. All right,
thief, hand it over.
It was an accident.
I must have picked
it up in Honolulu.
Your name was in it.
So you must have mine.
That's right.
You have my cameras,
and I need them.
And I have your underwear,
and you probably need them.
That's the bag, son.
You are very honest family.
Your bag was worthless.
Worthless? Are you kidding?
Hey, Bubba, why don't
you go out in the blizzard
and freeze your brain and
wait till they get a cure for it?
Here's your bag, sir.
Thank you. And sayonara.
And Sarah Vaughan.
JAPANESE MAN: Aloha.
A loafer.
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Hold it.
Hold it! Hold it.
Put that down and sit down.
ROLLO: Man, they
must be worth a fortune!
Just sit down and keep your
hands where I can see them.
Now you can be a greater hero!
Returning the diamonds,
saving the insurance
company all that money,
being a good
person, being honest,
giving back most
of these valuables
and the rest to my church.
Oh, glory!
Are you crazy?
Are you crazy?
I ain't giving nothing back.
What are you talking about, Pop?
I'm talking about
first-class living.
Everything you always wanted.
Money, mansions, motels.
SMITTY: Hi, everybody.
And a suite at San Quentin.
Say, what are you doing
here? Where's Hoppy?
He moved over to
Vice for a month or so.
I just came back to
welcome you from the tropics
and to introduce you
to my new partner.
This is Percy. Oh,
how do you do?
Well!
Golly!
I hate to tell you this,
but I just found some diamonds,
should be where
your underpants are.
How would you like a
fist where your nose is?
Hey, those are some
pretty nice souvenirs.
Those diamonds are real, Smitty.
Not only that, they're stolen.
No, they aren't.
They're right there.
I'm going to call Hawaii Five-0.
Fred was just going to return
them to the rightful owners.
Hey, wait a minute! I get it.
The Honolulu heist.
And this is the loot.
You're a hero, Fred!
Wonderful, isn't it?
Yeah, maybe there's
a reward, Fred.
Sure, the diamonds
are worth a million.
They're bound to
give us 10,000 or so.
That's right, commander,
in a false compartment.
Right. Fine.
Well, we're going
to turn them over
to Officer Smith
here of the L.A.P.D.
LAMONT: Reward?
I told you, Bubba.
Well, hey! Thank you very much.
And aloha to you too.
FRED: How much?
He was a very happy man, Pop.
Who cares? How much?
He said to tell you
you are a fine person.
How much?
He said that honesty is
a rare thing nowadays.
How much, dummy?
Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred? Are they kidding?
It'll make a nice donation to
the church, praise the Lord.
Yeah, look here, Pop, it's
better than nothing, man.
I'll just take them
along to the station.
I'm proud of you, Fred.
Here's some mail that
was waiting outside.
See you later.
Yeah, and remember, a
man's best friend is his dog.
A woman's best
friend is her diamonds.
And a lot of women are dogs.
Those dirty, low-down
thieving crooks!
What is it, Pop?
It's a bill for the
plane tickets.
Five hundred and six dollars!
We got to pay
for the plane fare.
Where we going to get the
money? There's the $500 reward.
I know about the reward,
but where are we going
to get the six bucks?
[♪♪♪]
This is a palm tree.
And this is a coconut.
[HAWAIIAN GUITAR PLAYING]
Last week, Fred
and Lamont got here
because of these three crooks.
Now that you stoled
all of these diamonds,
can we go home now?
Right.
Hey, did you check the airport?
Yep. Got cops
all over the place.
We'll never get past them.
How about the cruise ships?
Same thing.
Look, what I reckon,
they're going to search
us from head to toe.
Oh, that sounds like fun.
What this means,
we're going to have to
find some real clean pigeon
to get them diamonds
back into California for us.
NARRATOR: This is a pigeon.
And the crooks hid the
diamonds in his suitcase.
Some junk association.
I'll just resign,
that's what I'll do.
Either I broke my glasses, or
we in Zsa Zsa Gabor's old room.
Pop, you didn't
bring your glasses.
These are the diamonds that
everybody's been looking for.
Then by the process
of elimination,
we in big trouble.
NARRATOR: They're on their
way home to return the diamonds
to Smitty and Hoppy.
Excuse, please.
Is this the flight
to San Francisco?
Uh, no, sir. Next
counter. Thank you.
ATTENDANT: Now, sir,
checking these through to L.A.?
Not the black one.
ATTENDANT: You can't,
sir. I'll check it for you.
No, wait a minute.
Look. You can't...
Don't tell me what I can't...
Remember, they don't
get off this island alive.
We'll be back in a minute
with the conclusion of
"The Hawaiian Connection."
[♪♪♪]
[WHISTLES]
Hey!
[TIRES SQUEAL]
GLADYS: Hey!
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
LAMONT: If you can lose
that car that's following us,
there's a 20 in it for you.
LAMONT: Hey, could
you drive a little faster?
FRED: Hey, cabby,
we're new in town.
Do you know a
good place to hide?
CABBY: Just tell me
where you want to go.
FRED: Are you familiar
with El Segundo?
CABBY: All right. Come on. Out!
You don't know where you
wanna go, you'll get out here.
It's enough.
Listen, I'm reporting you to
the Better Business Bureau.
Pop, would you stop arguing
with the man? Let's get out of here.
What about my fare?
Is it fair to drop us in
the middle of nowhere?
Listen, I got a cab here.
There's a meter going, and I...
Hey! Hey!
DAVIS: Okay, we
got 'em now. Let's go!
MAN: ♪ One paddle,
two paddle Three paddle ♪
♪ Four to take me home ♪
♪ Fourteen on the right
Fourteen on the left ♪
♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪
♪ No ka best ♪
♪ Take me to my lover ♪
♪ My fair lover
I left long ago ♪
♪ Seen enough sorrow
To last a lifetime ♪
♪ I'm going away no more ♪
♪ Back to Hawaii shore ♪
♪ Singing ♪
♪ One paddle,
paddle Two paddle ♪
♪ Four to take me home ♪
♪ Fourteen on the right
Fourteen on the left ♪
♪ Take me to Hawaii nei ♪
♪ No ka best ♪
♪ Hawaii is the best ♪
♪ Better than the rest ♪
♪ Hawaii no ka best ♪♪
["BEER BARREL POLKA" PLAYING]
All right, everyone,
all the grandfathers.
Let's have everybody on-stage.
All the grandfathers,
it's your turn.
You a grandfather? Yeah.
Come on up.
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We'll have a barrel of fun ♪
Everybody!
♪ Roll out the barrel ♪
♪ We've got the
blues On the run ♪
♪ Sing to the rhythm ♪
♪ Sing out a song
Of good cheer ♪
♪ Now's the time To
roll out the barrel ♪
♪ For the gang's all here ♪♪
Give a nice hand for
the grandpas, everybody.
Give the grandfathers here...
Thank this grandfather.
Yeah! We love your work.
Let's get the car
and get after them
before they get out of sight.
FRED: Aloha! I'll
take care of your car.
MAN: Thank you.
[ENGINE BACKFIRES, TIRES SQUEAL]
["HAWAII FIVE-0" THEME PLAYING]
[WHISPERING]
Yeah, sure. I know, I...
I love you too.
Yeah, but I-I don't... like
you to call me here at the...
Uh... uh, hold on,
darling. I got another call.
Ahem. Uh, chief here.
What? Lost! What? What
do you mean? How did you...?
How could you lose him?
Huh?
You were with Don who?
Oh, Ho.
Yeah. Did you stay
for the whole show?
Aw, that's too bad.
You might have got lucky,
got a chance to get up there
with the other grandfathers
and learn how to do
the hula-hula, huh?
Blong-blong-blong...
No, I agree with
you. Some other time.
Say, listen,
Davis still thinks that
Sanford's got the diamonds.
He's got them stashed
away someplace.
And he's gonna find
out where or kill him.
So go out there and find him.
Get them back.
Right.
Hello?
Oh! Y-yeah, but...
Uh, all right. Tonight.
Out behind Coco Head, dear.
LAMONT: What now?
FRED: Now we head
back to the airport.
They won't think
of looking there.
LAMONT: Pop, are you sure
you know where you're going?
FRED: Sure I know. I got a
built-in compass in my nose.
Now we could use that
compass in your nose.
How would you like
a fist in your mouth?
Pop, what are we doing here?
They only got
fish in this place.
Well, let's have
a tuna sandwich.
We'll figure something
out. Come on.
DAVIS: Okay. Let's go. Come on.
GLADYS: Hey! Aw!
Come on. Get out of there.
Hey, Pop, we're trapped here,
man. They're going to get us.
Listen, son, don't worry.
If they find us, I'll tell them
you forced me to
go along with you.
Thanks a lot, hero.
WILLS: They gotta
be here someplace.
Are you going to shoot them?
Oh, come on.
Don't talk like that.
No, we're just going to find
out where they hid the diamonds.
Oh, good.
Then we'll shoot them.
They've got to be
here someplace.
Let's try the boat.
DAVIS: Anything moves, shoot.
WILLS: You got it.
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
[MOUTHS SILENTLY]
Don't move!
WILLS: All right,
get out of there.
You'll never take me alive.
You want to hear my speech
for the panel discussion?
They're going to shoot you.
Gladys, would you kindly
go feed yourself to the fishes?
Glad to see you, Mr. Smith.
DAVIS: Where are the diamonds?
Uh, Africa, mostly. See, I
was reading in this book...
Listen, Brillo-face.
Now, you've got a million
dollars worth of our diamonds.
And we want them.
We don't know where
the diamonds are.
Somebody switched bags with us.
But you found them.
We found them. But we
don't have the diamonds now.
WILLS: You expect
us to believe you?
Believe him.
He used to go to Sunday school.
Sometime we'll set aside a day
to listen to a dissertation
on his religious background.
In the meantime, we want you to
tell us: Where are the diamonds?
And then he's
going to shoot you.
Look, we don't
have the diamonds.
Maybe a couple
of slugs in your toes
will jog your father's memory.
One of you had
better start talking,
or else this kid here is going
to get a .38-caliber pedicure.
You got a count of three.
My baby.
WILLS: One.
Pop!
And you were
such a great dancer.
Two. Oh, Pop.
Would you stand over there, son?
Freeze!
POLICEMAN: Give me that.
Get them out of here.
POLICEMAN 2: Come
on, let's go. Move it.
Hey, thanks. He was
just about to shoot.
We always show
up at the last minute.
But may I say,
that is our style.
Well, I say your style stinks.
You two have a couple
of questions to answer too.
Why? We haven't done anything.
Haven't done anything!
Not returning stolen property.
Not paying for a taxi from
the airport to the nightclub.
Skipping on an $8
cover charge at Don Ho's.
Doing a rotten
hula. Stealing a car.
How's that for a start?
Well, how's this for a finish?
[BLOWS RASPBERRY]
COMMANDER: How's
your mai tai, Freddy?
FRED: Not bad, chief. Good.
Uh, excuse me, chief, do you
think we could go home now?
Aw, I guess so.
You straightened just
about everything out.
Except, of course,
the whereabouts of a million
dollar's worth of diamonds.
Well, we'll pay you
back a dollar a week.
Yeah. Well, at least you
helped us round up the crooks.
That's something, huh?
The diamonds... Ha! The
way it goes sometimes, hey?
Are you going to stop
looking for them now?
Oh, no, no. No, we never stop.
That's our motto here at Five-0.
What's the motto?
"We never stop."
Well, I guess
we'll be going now.
Yeah, your flight
to the mainland
leaves in about an hour.
So aloha and mahalo.
Yeah. Licky-licky,
likey-likey-lukey.
Howdy doody. Aloha.
Yeah, right. Let me show you...
I'm going back to my
little grass shack in Watts.
Yankee aloha... What?
Why, Mr. Sanford.
What a nice surprise.
You didn't stay very long.
Oh, no, we had to cut it short.
Got to dash to Switzerland
to make a deposit.
Well, you're in 5A and B.
Thank you. Let's go, Pop.
Well! If it isn't
Wilbur and Orville.
Right.
Wilbur and Orville Wright. Good.
Good!
[GIGGLES]
It wasn't all that bad, Pop.
At least we got to
spend one day in the sun.
Maybe we'll go
back again soon, son,
in first class, all the way.
You know, Pop,
Hawaii would be
a fantastic place
to spend your honeymoon.
Yeah. Janet would love it.
The three of us would
have a great time.
Would you like to take
a look at the menu?
I'll get your order
in just a minute.
Hey, Pop, before the food comes
and the trays have to go down,
don't you think you
should go wash up?
Am I dirty?
No, see, I don't mean
that you're dirty...
Well, then, say what you mean.
Well, why don't you
go to the bathroom now
so you won't disrupt
everybody's meal?
Look, don't treat
me like I'm a baby.
I'm old enough to
know when I got to go
and when I don't have to go.
I'm not a baby. Okay. I'm sorry.
Well, then, out of
the way. I got to tinkle.
Oh, it's you again.
Yeah, me again.
But at least I got an excuse.
How come you going home so soon?
I couldn't get a room,
all because of some
dumb junk convention.
Junk convention?
You should have stayed
on as one of the displays.
Listen, fuzz face,
you make one move toward
that washroom door before me
and you get flushed
into the Pacific.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah. Yeah?
Ahem. I'll go later.
Are they here yet?
In a minute. They'll call
when they're landing.
They weren't supposed
to be back for a week.
I guess Fred missed me.
Yeah, that's right.
Unless he can insult somebody,
he can't have a good time.
Aloha! We're here!
Oh, welcome home, Fred.
BUBBA: How come
you're back so early, Fred?
LAMONT: Ah, it's
a long story, Bubba.
You'll probably
hear it on the news.
You got into some kind
of trouble, didn't you?
Uh-uh. Not till I looked at you.
Hey, what happened, Pop?
Well, pull up a pineapple
and I'll make you a mai
tai and tell you all about it.
You see... [HAWAIIAN
GUITAR PLAYS]
And so I'm a national
hero of Waikiki.
See, I captured the crooks
and I'm an honorary
member of Hawaii Five-0.
Lamont helped too.
Hey, that's fantastic, Fred.
Especially the part where
Don Ho didn't show up
and you did the whole show.
Yeah. Especially that part.
And when you fought
the sharks to save Lamont!
That was wonderful.
Thanks, Jaws.
Hey, Pop, look,
all this is cool, man,
but what really happened
to the diamonds?
Well, they got
turned into cameras.
Somebody's walking around
with a suitcase with a false bottom.
Well, it can't be Esther,
because hers is real.
Well, at least you
saw Hawaii, man.
Yeah, and it didn't
cost us anything.
[KNOCK AT DOOR] Come in!
You are Mr. Fred G. Sanford?
That's me. Want
to take a picture?
Get one of her. Save
you a trip to the zoo.
Hey, Pop, that
looks like our bag.
That's right. All right,
thief, hand it over.
It was an accident.
I must have picked
it up in Honolulu.
Your name was in it.
So you must have mine.
That's right.
You have my cameras,
and I need them.
And I have your underwear,
and you probably need them.
That's the bag, son.
You are very honest family.
Your bag was worthless.
Worthless? Are you kidding?
Hey, Bubba, why don't
you go out in the blizzard
and freeze your brain and
wait till they get a cure for it?
Here's your bag, sir.
Thank you. And sayonara.
And Sarah Vaughan.
JAPANESE MAN: Aloha.
A loafer.
Hey, wait a minute!
Wait a minute! Hold it.
Hold it! Hold it.
Put that down and sit down.
ROLLO: Man, they
must be worth a fortune!
Just sit down and keep your
hands where I can see them.
Now you can be a greater hero!
Returning the diamonds,
saving the insurance
company all that money,
being a good
person, being honest,
giving back most
of these valuables
and the rest to my church.
Oh, glory!
Are you crazy?
Are you crazy?
I ain't giving nothing back.
What are you talking about, Pop?
I'm talking about
first-class living.
Everything you always wanted.
Money, mansions, motels.
SMITTY: Hi, everybody.
And a suite at San Quentin.
Say, what are you doing
here? Where's Hoppy?
He moved over to
Vice for a month or so.
I just came back to
welcome you from the tropics
and to introduce you
to my new partner.
This is Percy. Oh,
how do you do?
Well!
Golly!
I hate to tell you this,
but I just found some diamonds,
should be where
your underpants are.
How would you like a
fist where your nose is?
Hey, those are some
pretty nice souvenirs.
Those diamonds are real, Smitty.
Not only that, they're stolen.
No, they aren't.
They're right there.
I'm going to call Hawaii Five-0.
Fred was just going to return
them to the rightful owners.
Hey, wait a minute! I get it.
The Honolulu heist.
And this is the loot.
You're a hero, Fred!
Wonderful, isn't it?
Yeah, maybe there's
a reward, Fred.
Sure, the diamonds
are worth a million.
They're bound to
give us 10,000 or so.
That's right, commander,
in a false compartment.
Right. Fine.
Well, we're going
to turn them over
to Officer Smith
here of the L.A.P.D.
LAMONT: Reward?
I told you, Bubba.
Well, hey! Thank you very much.
And aloha to you too.
FRED: How much?
He was a very happy man, Pop.
Who cares? How much?
He said to tell you
you are a fine person.
How much?
He said that honesty is
a rare thing nowadays.
How much, dummy?
Five hundred dollars.
Five hundred? Are they kidding?
It'll make a nice donation to
the church, praise the Lord.
Yeah, look here, Pop, it's
better than nothing, man.
I'll just take them
along to the station.
I'm proud of you, Fred.
Here's some mail that
was waiting outside.
See you later.
Yeah, and remember, a
man's best friend is his dog.
A woman's best
friend is her diamonds.
And a lot of women are dogs.
Those dirty, low-down
thieving crooks!
What is it, Pop?
It's a bill for the
plane tickets.
Five hundred and six dollars!
We got to pay
for the plane fare.
Where we going to get the
money? There's the $500 reward.
I know about the reward,
but where are we going
to get the six bucks?
[♪♪♪]