Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 18 - The Reverend Sanford - full transcript

To avoid paying taxes, Fred buys a mail-order clergy ordination and transforms his home into the Chapel on the Junkpile for the church of the Seventh-Day Junkists.

♪ Old rocking chair's
Got me chained... ♪

♪ Fetch me my gin, son ♪

♪ Before I tan your... ♪

♪ Old rock... ♪♪

I'll get it.

Come in.

Hello, Fred.

Hi, Fred.

Hello, Woody.

I said hello too, Fred.

You did? Yes, I did.

Uh, look here.

Woody, you keep an eye on her.

And I'll call the zoo

and tell them you captured
a baboon that looks like a...

A parrot.


Now, you're speaking
about the woman I love.

I am?

Yes. I love this woman
with all my heart.

And all my mind and all my soul.

Good. You'll be all right as
long as you don't use your eyes.

Watch it, sucker.

You getting on my nerves.

It would take Muhammad
Ali, Rosey Grier,

with an assist from King Kong

to get me on any part of you.

That did it!

That's right.



Ow! Oww!


Oww. Owwwww!



Lord, have mercy!
What have I done?

Woodrow! This is it.

I got the two big ones,

one in my head
and one in my heart.

Oh, Elizabeth,
I'm coming, honey.

Have a heart and head man ready.

Oh, Lord, have mercy!
What have I done?

Woodrow, what must we do?

Wipe off all the fingerprints
and get the heck out of here.

No. We got to save this sinner.

Even the Lord's lowest
creature deserves pity.

All right, I'll call the doctor.

Even this heathen
deserves to live.

Start to give him
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

I'd rather wipe
the fingerprints off.

Thank you, doctor, thank you.

There's the ice bag, doctor.

Good. You'll be
fine, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, how much do you
get for coming over?

House calls are expensive.

Twenty dollars.

That's fair and reasonable.

Who called you?

I did, Fred.

Then you pay him.

Pop, Uncle Woody called
the doctor for you, man.

Well, that's nice of him,
but nobody told him to call.

I would have made it all right.

Besides, I don't believe in
doctors making house calls.

I'm a Christian economist.

Here you go, doctor. Thanks...

No, Lamont, that's all right.

Let Woodrow pay him.

After all, I'm the
one that hit Fred.

You hit me?

Yeah, Fred, I had my
silver-plated Bible in my purse.

I forgot.

Wait a minute, Pop. Wait
a minute, Aunt Esther.

Pop... What? What? What?

You don't...

You mean you don't remember
Aunt Esther hitting you?

No. Did she hit me?

She sure did, Fred.


Police! LAMONT: Pop, stop it.

Police! Stop it!

I want her arrested!

I want her tried and convicted

and sentenced to the
most severe penalty of all,

life in front of a mirror.

Why, you... Here
she comes again!

Don't hold me. Don't hold me.

Now, wait a minute, Pop.

Doctor, shouldn't
my father remember

being hit by Aunt Esther?

Oh, he will, Lamont.

Obviously he's had
a minor concussion

which will bring on temporary
and intermittent amnesia.

Huh? What's that, son?

Somebody put some
magnesia in my mittens?

I'm sorry, Fred. I really am.

For what? For hitting you.

You hit me?

Police! Police!

Fred, uh...

Then you don't
remember anything?

I remember that you've
been here all morning

and ain't had a drink yet.

Say, Fred, don't you remember?

I stopped drinking
when we adopted Daniel.

Adopted who?


Our son, Fred.
Don't you remember?

I think so.

I seem to recall seeing a
movie called Son of Wolf-Face.

Pity he can't remember
what this lady did for him.

I don't remember.

But I know she belted
me with her Bible.

I always heard
of that Bible belt.

She did indeed.

And then she tried
to save your life.

What did she do?

We thought you was
having a heart attack, Fred.

Why'd you think that?

Because when I hit
you over the head,

you clutched your
head and your heart.

You mean I double-clutched?

Right, Fred.

Pop, the doctor checked
your heart out, man,

and everything's all
right, so don't worry.

It could have been
worse, but it wasn't.

Yeah. We thought you were going.

Almost was.

And so Esther did everything
she could to save your life.

What's that?

She gave you
mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

Oh, no!

Oh, no! With her mouth?

That's right.

Oh, man! And my mouth?


Oh, son! Go boil some water!

Oh, quick! Get me the
flip! I got to sterilize my lips.

You should be ashamed
of yourself for saying that.

Take it easy, Mr. Sanford.

You need some rest.
Don't aggravate yourself.

I don't need no rest.

All I need is a lipectomy.

Come on, Esther.

Let's go home and give Fred
a chance to get some rest.

That would be a good idea.

I'm sorry, Fred.

I really am.

Sorry for trying
to save my life?

No, for hitting you.

You hit me?!

When did you hit me?

Police! Police!


So long, Aunt Esther.

Uncle Woody, thanks for coming.

Thanks for everything.

Try to keep him quiet.

I will, doctor. And thanks
a lot for coming over.

We almost lost him this time.

You mean that, doc?

Yes, I do.

A man in your condition should
know it could happen any minute.

You're quite fragile and
should be very careful.

Forgive me for being so blunt,

but I don't believe
in pulling punches.

I like that.

Go catch up with Esther
and punch her out for me.

Doctor, I wanted to
ask you something.

Will Pop's amnesia pass?


A day or two, things
will be back to normal.

Okay. So long, doc.

Well, I guess I'm pretty lucky.

Yeah, I guess you
are at that, Pop.

I might've had the big one. Yep.

And I wouldn't have
been ready, son.

Well, you know, I don't think
anyone is ever ready, Pop.

Oh, I don't mean ready for
the one-wayer to your mother.

I mean, you know,

not ready because I
haven't organized my affairs.

See, I don't have
my estate planned.

I haven't left instructions as
to the disposal of my empire.

Well, if I were you, Pop, I
wouldn't worry about that.

Son, I must. I
don't have a will.

So what?

"So what?"

Do you know what would happen

if this empire fell
into the wrong hands?


Be some fool walking around
with his hands full of junk.



Easy, Pop. Remember
your amnesia.

You call this dynasty junk?

What happened to "empire"?

Empire, right, right, right.

See, all this stuff
may look like junk.

I mean, that may look like junk

and that may look like junk,

and maybe that over
there looks like junk,

but you put them all together
and what have you got?

A junk pile.


A junkpire!

I'm gonna see to it that it will
live long after I'm gone, son.

Get me a pad and a pencil.

For what?

I'm about to write my
first last will and testament.

Get me a pencil and a pad.

I don't know where one is.

Well, I do.

It's right over here.

I'll look over here.

There's so much junk over here
you don't know where stuff is.

"The little blue ashtray

"in the center of the
castle next to the throne

"with the
20th-century chip in it

"I hereby leave,
bequest and bequeath

"and deed eternally and
without recourse or return

"for perpetuity to the
town of El Segundo.

"It should be placed
on the mayor's desk

"and a plaque nailed next to it

saying, 'Sanford
Empire, circa 1977.'"

The tall dummy
standing before me

I leave to the
Hollywood Wax Museum.

Well, I see you're
back to normal.

Yes, I am, son. Now
get on the phone.


I want you to
call all the people

we have on our special
emergency guest list

and invite them over here
for 7:00 tonight, on the spot.

For what?

For the reading of my will.

Your will?

That's right. Here
it is, right here.

I'm gonna have
it typed up today,

sign it, and read
it tonight at 7:00.

Now, come on. Get on the phone.

Wait a minute, Pop. Let
me explain something.

No, no... Wait a second.

Wait a minute. One
never reads one's will.

Why not?

I wrote it

and I don't have any
secrets to keep from myself.

Pop, I mean a person doesn't
usually have his will read

until after he's passed on.

That's exactly right.

And he's not around to
see the faces of everybody

as they get their gifts.



And he's not around
to hear anybody say,

"Thanks, dead guy."

"Thanks, dead guy," yeah.

And he's not around to
get any presents in return

from the grateful living.

That's... That's true.

Yeah, and mainly, when he
gives away all those goodies,

after they go, the
government sticks their hand in

and rips off a few
dollars for themselves,

whether they in the will or not.

Yeah, right. That's
called an estate tax.


Uncle Sam's just
waiting for all of us to go

so that he can get his
fingers on our money.

You've seen that picture
of him with his hand out.

"I want yours."

That's "you."

No, it's not me.

Because I'm giving
away all I got before I go.

Oh, I see.

So instead of paying estate tax,

you're gonna pay gift tax.

What's that?

That's a tax you pay on
every gift that's over $30,000.

Are you crazy?

Pop... Pop this!
Get on the phone.

Get over there and
call all the loved ones

and tell them to
be here tonight at 7,

because I read the will.

Lamont, I must tell you,

this doesn't appeal
to me very much.

There's something
very unpleasant

about hearing Fred
read his own will.

I... I know, Donna.

But just, see, try
to bear with him.

See, he wants to do this

and the doctor feels that
the less aggravation Pop has,

you know, the better off he is.

Oh, Lamont, Lamont, Lamont.

What is it, Bubba, Bubba, Bubba?

I'm so sorry for you, Lamont.

We all will miss him.

Uh, B-B-Bubba... Was it quick?

Quick? Yeah, I didn't
even see it happen.

Oh, I could have been
a much better friend.

Hey, Bubba, you've
been a good friend.

No, I could have been much nicer

the times that he was so mean.

I could have been more pleasant
at times that he was nasty.

I could have been
more understanding

the times that he was so rotten.

Oh, Lamont, I had
so many chances.

Because he was always so
mean and nasty and rotten.

Uh, uh, Bubba...

Oh, Fred, Fred,
please forgive me.

No way.

Please! I didn't... Aarrghh!

Easy, Bubba. Easy.

Sit down.

Sit over here, Bubba.
Now, just take it easy.

Easy, Bubba.

What's he doing here?

I live here!



But you said we were gonna
have the reading of the will.

He wants to do
it himself, Bubba.

So he didn't die at all?

Not even for a few minutes.

I wonder why he did that.

All right, all right.

Give me the will.

All right, all right.

Uh, everyone please be seated.

As your name is called,

please rise and I'll tell
you what you're gonna get.

All right.

"I, Fred G. Sanford, being
of sound mind and body

"except for a bad
heart, arthritis,

"and a bump on the head
inflicted by Esther Anderson,

"hereinafter referred
to as 'Ugly Creature'

"hereby leave all
my worldly goods

to the following people
in the following way."

Rise, Donna.

Oh, Fred, please.

Please, honey, please.

Don't argue with me on this day,

when I have a pain in my
head and a love in my heart.

All right.

"To the beautiful Donna, who
has been a dear and trusted friend,

and average kisser..."


Well, you don't hug hard enough!

Do you mind? I'm sorry.

"To Donna, I leave all
the pictures I have of me."

Oh, Fred.

Yes, that includes
my baby picture

with my little rear
end uncovered.

Hold it at the right
angle during the sunset,

it bears a striking
resemblance to Esther.

Why, you...

It also includes

my sixth-grade
graduation picture,

which is my favorite.

See, the sixth grade was a
wonderful period in my life.

I was young, innocent, had
no problems whatsoever.

Those were the best
three years of my life.

Thank you, Fred.

The only picture that
is not included, Donna,

is the one of Elizabeth
and I at the wedding.

I understand.

That I leave to my only son,

as far as I know, Lamont.

Thanks, Pop.

Yeah. More about Lamont later.

That's it, Donna. You
may thank me now.


Thank you, Fred.

See. Bad hugger. Oh, Fred!

All right. Daniel
Anderson, please rise.

Hello, Uncle Fred.

Hello, Daniel.

Now, Daniel, you've been
adopted by Esther and Woody.

Now, I know that they love you
and I know that you love them.

That's true, Uncle Fred.

And when you have
love, you have everything.

That's right, Uncle Fred.

So you don't need
anything from me...

except some good advice.

"To my nephew, Daniel Anderson,
I leave the following advice."

What's that?

When you need strength,
son, and manly support,

the best one to
turn to is your father.

When you need love
and understanding,

there's no one better to turn
to than your wonderful mother.

That's lovely.

Turn to her, just
don't look at her.

And you may thank me
for that advice one day.

Thanks, Uncle Fred. - Uh-huh.


please stand up.

What do you mean you
don't know my name, man?

Because I'm not good
with numbers, convict.

Hey, Pop.

Is Rollo in your
will or isn't he, man?

Because I don't think you
should embarrass him if he's not.

He's in the will,
he's in the will.

I'll tell you again,
he's in the will.

"To Rollo, I leave
all the loose change

"I've left on tables
and under cushions

since I moved into this house."

Oh. All right. Thanks, Pop.

I'm not finished.

I also left Rollo all the
pieces of silverware

and knick-knacks displayed
on my bric-a-brac shelf.

That's cool too. Uh-huh.

You will find them all collected
together in one simple place.

Where's that?

Your house, criminal.
Probably under your bed.

Oh, man, that's cold.
I'm taking a walk.

Why not?

You've taken everything else.

Bubba, stand up.

To my trusted friend
and loyal companion...

Oh, thanks, Fred.

To this wonderful human being,

I leave my checkers set.

Gee, Fred, I don't
know what to say.

Well, you don't
have to say anything.

It is for Grady. Drop
it by his house for me.

Well, what about me, Fred?

I'm getting to that.

"To Bubba, my devoted sidekick,

a man who's been
like a brother to me..."

Oh, Fred, I didn't know you
considered me your brother.

That's right, Bubba.

To you I leave a
deck of playing cards

with which I've won a
small fortune over the years.

That's a fact.

You can find the deck
in the secret drawer

along with my coded
key to the little markings.

You mean you've been
cheating me all these years?

Yes. And you call me brother?

Yes, yes. Long-lost brother.

Mostly lost.

Sit down.

Now, Woodrow Anderson,

please rise, if you can.

Now, you know
there's really no reason

for those kind of remarks, Fred.

You know I've quit
drinking. You know that.

I don't know that.

Uh, Pop, I think you should
lie down and rest now.

It's been a very
long day for you.

I'm reading my
will, son. I'm fine.

But you're starting to have
those memory lapses again.

I said I'm fine, didn't I?

Now, be quiet or
I'll disinherit you.

All right now, Bubba.

Bubba? No, Woody!

Man, Woody. Oh, yeah. Woody.

"To my dear friend Woody,

I leave all of my

Hey, thanks, Fred.

Yeah, see they all oversized
and make great blindfolds.

Fred Sanford!

Perfect when you
come home at night

and pin the tail on Aunt Esther.

Oh, please, Pop.

Quiet, Bubba.

Hey, it's me, Pop. Huh?

Pop who? Who are you?

Who are you? Who are any
of you? Who are all of you?

I don't know none
of you. Who am I?

Quick, Woody, call the doctor.

Where am I? Oh, Fred, Fred!

Fred, what have I done to you?

Fred? Fred who?


You, Fred.


Who are you?

I'm Esther.

Oh, Esther.

Give me your paw.

Nice doggie.

Nice Doberman.

He may have lost his memory,

but he sure didn't
lose his eyesight.

Hey, are you sure

he wouldn't be better
off in a hospital, doctor?

No hospitals! I'm not sick.

I'm just having trouble
remembering I'm healthy.

Doctor, I'm a nurse. I can
stay here with him if you like.

I think that would be fine.

Where is everybody?

I was reading my will

and Woody was correcting me
for thinking he was still drinking.

What was this Woody wearing?

Uh, gray suit, a green-striped
tie and a tan shirt.

Is that right?

Hey, that's exactly
what he had on.

I think we're all better now.

Uh, what was
wrong with you, doc?

I will call back
tomorrow to make sure.

Do you want to pay me
now or shall I bill you?

Pay you? We paid you
once today, didn't we?

This is my second
house call, Mr. Sanford.

Your swelling's gone down,

and you've got your memory back.

Twenty dollars, please.


What memory?


What's "dollars"?


Pop? What's "Pop"?

Don't pay him, son.

Don't pay him. I can't
remember anything.

You can remember
how to cheat him.

Here you go, doctor.


I'll show you out,
doctor. Thanks a lot.

Thank you very much. Bye.

Thank you for coming.

You're welcome.


Oh, my goodness!

Come on in.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

I just feel so bad about what I
did to your poor father, Lamont.

But, Aunt Esther,
he's all right.

Oh, the pain!

Oh, Fred! DONNA: Esther!

He's going to be
all right, Esther.


But what about his memory?

Oh, he got his memory back.

What does "back" mean?

Oh, stop it, Fred.

Now tell her you're all right.

She's been standing outside
all this time crying over you.

Now tell her you're all right.


Well, nothing! Now just
go ahead and tell her, Pop.

All right, Esther.
I'm all better.

Really? FRED: Really.

Oh, Fred, I'm so relieved.

I would never forgive
myself for hitting you.

You hit me? Police! Police!

Stop it, Fred!

Fred Sanford, why must you
be so cruel to me all the time?

I'm not cruel to
you all the time.

Didn't I send you a bale of hay
during Be Kind to Animals Week?

Hey, Pop, that's enough, huh?

And I did include
you in my will.

I've had enough of your lies.

Lies? Lies?

Where's my will?

All right, take it easy.

Get me my will!

All right. Just a second. Here.

Here it is. Now listen to this.

Here we go. Let's see.

Uh... yeah, here.

"To my sister-in-law,
Mrs. Esther Anderson,

"who I have insulted in jest,

"embarrassed in anger,

"attacked in self-defense,

"I feel she is entitled to a
fair and equal treatment.

"With all the love
and understanding

"in my heart and
soul, "I leave her...


Why, you beady-eyed...


Here you go, Pop.

Ah. Hey, listen. Sit down, son.

Uh, no, I'm not going to eat.

See, I got a date.

No, this will only
take a second.

All right. What is it? Well...

I don't want you
to think I forgot you.

Hey, I know you
didn't forget me, Pop.

But, I mean, I want you to know

that aside from all
those little things

that I gave everybody,

I want you to have all the rest.

See, I leave you
the entire empire

and the full respect
of the emperor

and all the emperor's love.

That's in your will?

It's in my heart.

Oh, hey, Pop.

You dummy, you!

You big dummy!