Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 6, Episode 12 - Aunt Esther Meets Her Son - full transcript

Esther and Woody welcome their son Daniel, but quickly discover they must practice the forgiveness that Esther preaches.






Hey, that's great, Pop.

That's Pops.

Okay, Pops.

Why don't you put that down
and do some work around here.

That's what I'm doing.
I'm polishing up this bugle.

Because when I'm done with
it, it'll be worth at least $50.

Fifty dollars? Are you kidding?

I don't care how much
polish you put on that,

it won't be worth more than $10.

The bugle may be only worth
$10, but the handkerchief,

used by Custer during
the blowing of the retreat,

could be worth a fortune.

Custer was a general.

He didn't blow a bugle.

I know.

But when the bugler
blew the retreat,

Custer took out this
very handkerchief.

You mean to tell me
surrounded by Indians

he took out a handkerchief
to blow his nose?

No. He was trying to surrender.

He said, "Back off, Indians.
Back off, you silly savages."

Oh, Lamont, Lamont!

Fred, Fred.

It's Sitting Bull.

Oh, Fred.

Where do you get off
busting in my door, anyway?

I'm sorry, Fred,
it's an emergency.

I need help.

Help, huh?

I'm just a junkman,
not a plastic surgeon.

Please, Fred, I need your truck.

I agree, son. You take the
truck and run over Esther's face.

You are an evil heathen,

and one of these days, the
Lord is gonna strike you down...

if he ever decides
to get his hands dirty.

What's the matter, Aunt Esther?

Our truck broke down, Lamont,

and today is the day we're
supposed to pick up our son.

Oh, that's right. I forgot.

The adoption agency
accepted you and Uncle Woody.

Hey, congratulations.

Aunt Esther, let me drive
you over there in the truck

because, uh, you
got that whiplash.

It'll be kind of painful
for you to drive.

Thank you, Lamont.

Why don't you sit down here
and make yourself comfortable.

No, no, don't sit
down on my couch.

I'll have to have it condemned.

Fred Sanford...
That's Fred G. Sanford.

And the "G" is for "Glad
You're Going. Goodbye."

Well, looking at you,

I thought the "G"
stood for "God Forbid."

Say, shouldn't we be
leaving, Aunt Esther?

You're right, Lamont. Let's go.

Oh, say, listen, uh...

Esther, why don't you
just run along with Lamont,

and I'll meet you back
at the house later, okay?

I think he's right, Aunt Esther.

There's only room
for three in the truck.

Is this it?

I mean, y'all get to
keep the child forever?

Well, maybe.

Uh, you see, he's gonna
stay with us for about a year,

and if everything
works out all right,

then the adoption agency
will make a recommendation

to the court.

I know we'll like him.
I just hope he likes us.

I know he gonna
like you, Esther.

Why, thank you, Fred.

Children always love animals.

Fred Sanford, you are
the lowest of the low

and the meanest of the mean

and the baddest of the bad.

And you are the
ugliest of the ugly.

That did it. Get him, Woodrow.

[SCOFFING] Woodrow. Bang, bang!

We'd better leave, Aunt Esther,

if we want to pick
up your son on time.

My son.

Yes, I'm going to get my son.

Forgive me, Fred Sanford,
if I made you angry.

I should be thankful that the
Lord has smiled upon me today.

And in return, I should
smile upon all his creatures.

Bye, creature.

Bye, bat.

Oh, glory!

Oh, glory, he's
coming, that's right.


You old heathen.

I'll see if we have it, okay?

Right over here somewhere.

Let me see.

I know we have it here.

You know, Fred, I'm sure glad
you came back with me, man,

because... Hey, look out!


You know, I'm sure glad you
came on back over here with me,

because, you know,
I'm really, really nervous

about, you know,
being a father, man.

Well, I understand, Woody.

I learned the day
after Lamont was born

that it's much
harder to be a father

than it is to become one.

Yeah, I know, Fred,

but, you see, I'm really
concerned about his past.

You know, he was
a juvenile delinquent,

and he just might still be.

Well, why did you adopt him?

Well, because he
needed it the most.

You know, he's the last person
in the world that anybody wants.

Not true.

What do you mean?

The last person
anybody would want

would be Esther.

Hello, Mr. Anderson.


FRED: Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Where... Where
did she come from?

Oh, she started
work here yesterday.

Is she up for adoption?

No, Fred!

Is she up for grabs?


I'll ask her myself.

Look here, honey.

Excuse me, but you
do some very nice work.

Oh, you like my display?


Yes, uh... very well stacked.

Why are you so
interested in light bulbs?

Uh, I'm from Watts.

Oh, right, yeah.



Fred. Listen, Fred.

Don't you know that
you're twice her age?

Lucky her.

♪ Double your pleasure ♪

♪ Double your fun ♪

♪ I'm Freddy G. Sanford ♪

♪ The "G" stands for "Gum" ♪♪

Hey, here they are, Fred.

Here we are, Daniel.

This is your store,

and upstairs is your house.

That's him, Fred.

Does he look tough to you?

Hard to tell.

Standing next to Esther...

King Kong would
look like John Boy.

So all of this is mine, huh?

My store and my house?

That's right, my son.

Well, all right, then.

Don't stop him,
Woody. Don't stop him.

He might take Esther.


You haven't spoke
to your new son.

You ain't said nothing to him
about the cash register, either.

Just say hello, Woody,

because he's already introduced
himself to the cash register.

Well, uh, hello, son.


If you don't say something to
him about that cash register,

I'm going to ring up a "no
sale" knot on your head.

Can I talk to you
both for a minute?

Hey, Woody. Back off, there.

He wants to talk to me
and Esther a minute.

Just a minute, mister.
I want to talk to them.

Here's all the money back.

Why, thank you, son, but why
did you take it in the first place?

Because I've been
around long enough

and I've been in
trouble too many times,

and I know a bad
case when I see one.

And that weirdo over there
with the legs like parentheses

is up to no good.


What's so funny?

That weirdo is your
new Uncle Fred.

That's Lamont's father.

Hey, come here, Fred.

Hey, look, Daniel wasn't
stealing our money.

He was trying to
protect us... from you.

Why would he do that?

Because he's been around
criminals long enough

to know undesirables.

Well, he ought to
feel right at home here.

Say, Daniel, say
hello to Uncle Fred.

What's happening, Uncle Fred?

"Uncle Fred" this.

Watch it, watch it, Fred.

Well, Daniel, this is it.

And someday,
this will all be yours.

DANIEL: Thank you.

Oh! Can I have her now?

What, you mean Snookums?


Doris Snookums.

Don't worry, Esther.

Now, just because
I happen to think

that she's cute and pretty
and sweet and charming,

that doesn't mean that
I like her better than you

just because you're not.

I'll deal with you later.

Right now, let's all
go up and get ready,

because I got a
surprise for you.

Oh, I like surprises.


Some of the ladies
from my church

is coming over tonight

to welcome Daniel
to the community.

I hate surprises.

Shut up, Woodrow.

Come on, darling.


Good evening, Mrs. Anderson.

Good evening, good evening.

Hello there. Hello, Esther.

Oh... Ladies, meet
our son, Daniel.

SISTERS: Hello, Daniel.

ESTHER: Woodrow?

Aren't you gonna
say hello to the ladies?

Hello, sisters.

Good evening,
brother. How do you do?

How are you, Woodrow?

You're looking healthy
for a man of your age.

Oh? And might I
say the same for you.

Thank you.

As a matter of fact, I
hope I look that well

when I'm 70.

I beg your pardon,
but I'll have you to know

that I haven't seen
my 50th birthday.

Oh, well, I did. I saw
your 50th birthday.

And it was 20
years ago, if I recall.

Woodrow, if you don't shut
your double-breasted lips,

you gonna look awful
the rest of your life.

SISTER SIMPSON: Sister Esther?


We have a little presentation
we would like to make.

Yes, Sister Simpson?

"To Daniel..."

Will it be Anderson?

Well, uh, it takes about a year

before the adoption
becomes final,

but if he decides
to stay, then it'll be

Daniel Anderson forever.

Well, suppose you don't
want me at the end of the year?

Oh, son, that's
out of the question.

I want you now.

And a year from now, I'll
want you 365 times more.

Just give it to
him like it is, sister.

Give him what, Sister Cooper?

This Bible.

See, it has his
name inscribed on it.

"Daniel Anderson."


bring it to church with you
every Sunday when you come.

Isn't that wonderful, darling?

Yeah, it's a real nice present.

And I'll keep it to read.

But I won't be coming to church.


You see, I don't believe in God.

I'm coming, Elizabeth!
It's the big one.

Oh, glory!

Well, you want to buy it?

There's a rag in it.

Uh, no, no, that's not a rag.

That's General
Custer's handkerchief.

You're kidding.

And there's initials
on it. There are?

Yeah. "F.S."

"Fred Sanford."

Uh, no, no, that's
"First Sergeant Custer."

See, he got this handkerchief
before he became a general.

How much?

Uh, $50 for the bugle and
the invaluable handkerchief.

How much for just the bugle?

Uh, $49.95.

Oh, man! That's ridiculous.

Look here. Right, right, right.

I see that you love bugles. $35.


All right, all right,
I'll level with you.

This wasn't blown by Custer.

It was blown by a Private Brown
during the invasion of Normandy.

Twenty dollars.

Okay, okay, wait a minute.

I'll tell you the truth.

Well, it was used by a Boy Scout

to bang on the drum in
the parade last Thursday.

Fifteen dollars.

Oh, forget it, man.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I found it.

Five dollars!

You cheap turkey.

What's happening, Fred?

It's Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred.

Uncle Fred Sanford.

You can drop the "Uncle,"
you can drop the "Fred,"

you can drop the "Sanford,"

and you can drop out of sight.

You too, huh?

Me too, what?

Don't want me around.

You can stay, but just let me
frisk you before you leave here.

Hey, Daniel. What's
happening, buddy?

Not too good, Lamont.

What's the matter?
Everything, man.

I was wondering if you could
drive me back to the home.


Because they don't want me.

Who don't want you?

Mr. and Mrs. Anderson.

Oh, come on, now, Daniel.

Whatever gave
you that idea, man?

She said, "Get out of
my house, heathen!"

That would do it.

Look, why don't you sit
down for a minute, Daniel?

I'd just as soon get
back to the home.

He'd just as soon get
back to the home, Lamont.

I don't want to sit around
here watching him steal.

I didn't steal that stuff.


I gave it back anyway.


All I did was borrow it.


Say, what did you borrow?

Some musical instruments.

Hey, man, I can't
afford to buy it,

so I broke into this music store

and took some instruments
and some lesson books.

And I got caught when I
broke in to return them.

Man, I was only 10 years old.

Hey, listen, Daniel,
that's all over with, man.

That's all behind
you. That's the past.

I want to know why Aunt Esther

asked you to leave the house.

I said I didn't believe
in God. That's all.

That's all?

Telling Esther there's no God

is like telling Jimmy Carter
there's no more toothpaste.

Hey, Pop, would you excuse
Daniel and myself for a minute?

For what?

Well, a little conversation.

You know, man to man.

Man to man?

Who do I look like, Doris Day?

Okay, young man to younger man.

I may be 68 years old, but I
can still float like a butterfly

and sting like a bee.

You got anything to say,
you can say it in front of me.

All right, how about son to son?

Make that dummy to
dummy and I'll leave.

Okay, you got it.

All right, I'll go
into the kitchen...


Thank you.

Sit down, man.

Now, this is what I
want you to do. See...



Who could that be?

It's Aunt Esther.

What does she want?

I asked her to come over.


The exterminator don't get here

till next Wednesday.

Oh, come on in, Aunt
Esther, Uncle Woody.

What is it you want to tell
me about that heathen child

I don't already know?

Who not only doesn't
believe in God,

but he's also a thief.

Just goes to show you
what happens to people

who don't believe in God.

Let him among us
who is without sin

cast the first brick
at Esther's face.

Watch it, sucker.

Aunt Esther, let me
ask you a question.

Um, what difference does it make

whether or not Daniel
believes in God?

What difference does it make?

The difference is
that up until now

Daniel's never had a
reason to believe in anything.

But that's all behind him now.

And he's got you
and Uncle Woody,

and with your influence

he'll probably believe in God.

I think he needs you and
Uncle Woody, Aunt Esther.

But he's a thief, Lamont.

No, he's not.

Excuse me. Am I next?

For what?

To buy something.

Well, you can
see right by the...

the crowd here
that we're very busy.

And you can see the
customers milling around.

Um, less standing
and more milling.

I'm looking for some junk I can
use in a bicentennial pageant

that an Indian Guide
group of mine is putting on.

For example, uh...

Oh, an old fife and
drum or a bugle...

A bugle?

Did you say a bugle?

Of course you said a bugle!

You wouldn't lie
to me, would you?

Here's a bugle. I just
happen to have one.

It was the original
bugle... It's $10.

Will it play?

Not by itself.

See, if you just take
it home and try it,

and then if it don't work,

then that's because
you might need lessons.

Oh. No, never mind. Thank you.

DANIEL: Just a second.

Let me see that
for a minute, huh?

WOODY: Better keep
your eye on him, Fred.



How much did you say that was?

Uh, $15.

I thought you said 10.

That was without the floor show.

Okay, I'll take it. Thank you.

Not bad, Daniel.

Not bad. Not bad?

Darn good.

And he taught himself.

That's why he was arrested
for borrowing them music books.

But you can't forgive that.

Not you. You hold
that against him.

Anyone else would be
proud to have a son like that,

but not you.

Look up in that
Bible of yours, Esther,

and see if there's anything
in there about forgiving.

Forgiving. You should be
ashamed of yourself, Woody.

Hey, Lamont, take
him back to the home.


He's not going to any home.

Except for the home
of his mother and father.

Right, Father?

Right, Mother.

Right, son?

Right, Dad.


Hot damn!



Like father, like son.

Come on, let's go home.


Yeah, Pop?

Let me ask you something.


How come you
never call me "Dad"?

Oh, I don't know.

I suppose it's because you're
more of a "pop" than a "dad."


Well, "pop" this.

You know, you're
really something... Dad.

Thank... Thanks... son.

There's some salad
for you in the kitchen.

Oh, in the kitchen?


I know.

It's the original
bugle used by Patton

to wake up his troops, right?

No, dummy, this
is a real trumpet,

with real valves and everything.

Got to be worth at least $50.

How do you know that?

Because that's
what I paid for it.

Fif... You paid...

Fifty dollars you paid for that?

Pop, what are we gonna
do with a $50 trumpet?

Anybody that would be in the
market to buy a $50 trumpet

wouldn't come to a junkyard.


Come in, Daniel.

What's happening, Lamont?

You wanted to see
me, Uncle Fred?

Wow, that's a bad trumpet!

That's what I wanted
to see you about.

You like it?

Hey, it's out of sight.

It's yours.

Oh, man, I can't take this.

This must have
cost 50 or 60 bucks.

FRED: That old trumpet? No.

I picked it up real
cheap, didn't I, Lamont?

Oh, yeah. He just polished
it up to make it look good.

Hey, man, how can I thank you?

Do you know "Sugar Blues"?


Do you know that number?

No, but I promise
I'll learn it for you.

Oh, hey. Listen, there's
a mute that goes with it.

Don't forget the mute.

Oh. Hey, thanks.

But it doesn't fit.

Well, don't worry. We
won't let it go to waste.

What do you mean?

Uh, you can stick it in
your mother's mouth.


Oh, I'm sorry, Daniel.

Don't spoil it.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, Daniel.

I mean, you have
a wonderful mother.

So try sticking it
in your father's ear.