Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Escorts - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Can't even enjoy a
simple... cup of coffee.

Somebody...

Hello, Elroy. What
can I do for you?

Fred, I need a date.

I don't play that.

Fred, this is serious.

I need to find a lady

for our Moving and Storage
Mens' Party next Saturday.

Don't you know
any moving ladies?



All the ladies I know
can't move at all.

As a matter of fact,

they should be
kept in cold storage.

Well, let me look here
in my classified directory

of the Sanford Stables.

Sanford Stables...

Guaranteed to horse around too.

Yeah?

Yeah, here's one good
one... Theresa Logan.

I took her out once. You did?

I mean, she was...
You know what I mean?

Yeah. Yeah, I know.

Built like a brick shipyard.

Hello. Hello, Theresa, honey.



Fred Sanford here.

Yes.

Say, a friend of mine needs
a date for Saturday night.

What's he look like?

Well, he's a lot like me.

[DIAL TONE]

Theresa... Theresa?

Hello?

Theresa!

I was disconnected.

I think you were scratched.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

See that?

Yeah? It was a disconnect.
I know what I'm...

Hello, Theresa.

Uh, who?

Who is this?

Janet?

You're calling about
your date with Lamont

Saturday night?

Say, listen, Janet.

Would you be interested
in a double date?

Yeah. Like to get
a friend of yours

for a friend of Lamont's?

Uh-huh.

Well, see, his name is Elroy,

and he looks a lot like Lamont,

except around the face.

Yeah, I'll put him on, Janet.

Here you go, Elroy...

Janet? Give me the phone.

Hello, Janet?

Oh, 9:00 instead of 8:00. Okay.

Yeah, I'm sorry that happened.

Just forget about it.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

He was doing it for me, Lamont.

You see, I need a
date for next Saturday.

Why don't you call one
of those escort services?

Escort service?

Yeah, they got escort
services for people like yourself

who need a date, but
don't know anybody.

They'll give you a date
for the entire evening.

See, Elroy? Lamont
knows everything.

I'm proud of you, dummy.

Say, listen,

how much do they charge
for getting someone a date?

Two or three dollars?

No, I think it's
more like 15 or 20.

Twenty bucks?

Say, look, Elroy, for 20 bucks,

I'll put on a formal
gown and a tiara,

and you can take me to the party

and bring me back home,

and I'll smack your face
for trying to get fresh.

This is it right here.

See, Gramercy Escort Service.

Fred, I don't think

we should go through with this.

What do you mean?

You're not only gonna
have a date Saturday night,

but you're gonna
get paid for it,

and so will I.

Is this Mr. Carmen?

Oh, this is Mrs. Willis of
the Gramercy Escort Service.

Well, you're to meet Ms.
Nolan at the party at 8:00.

Yes, and it's black tie.

I'm in trouble, Fred.

I don't have a black tie.

Well, you got black paint.

Yeah.

Well, I'll make you a black tie.

But Lamont said

these escort places only hire

a certain kind of men.

I'm that kind of man.

Oh, yeah?

Suave and debonair.

[CLUNKING]

What is he doing?

That was my friend banging
his suave into his debonair.

Can I get you something?

Yes, indeed.

Sanford's the name.
Escorting is my game.

You want to be a
Gramercy Escort?

Does President Ford
need a personality?

You really want to be an escort?

Lady, we'll escort anything
without a moustache.

Now, when do we report?

[LAUGHS]

Well, actually,

I don't think that you're
what I'm looking for.

I don't think you're what
anyone's looking for.

Well, I'll have you know
we'd be perfect escorts.

Oh? Do you dance? Yes.

Can you waltz? Certainly.

Good.

Then why don't the two of you

waltz on out of here.

Listen, why can't we be escorts?

Oh, I'm sorry. I should explain.

You can't be escorts

because you simply
don't have the experience.

We've got experience.

My name is Fred G. Sanford.

You know what the G is for?

What? Gigolo.

And my friend here, Elroy,

his nickname is Big
Hand, Little Hand.

Big Hand, Little Hand?

Yeah. Service around the clock.

Marvelous,

and I think I'm
running out of time

for both of you.

Oh, don't worry about that.

If you ever need more
time, look at a clock. It'll stop.

Mr. Sanford, I don't find
you the least bit amusing,

and I'm afraid neither of
you fulfill our requirements.

Good day.

Wait a minute.

What requirements?

Well, here, see for yourself.

Mm-hmm.

Aha!

They're well read.

Oh, well, I read all the time.

Are you familiar with
Ladies Home Junk?

And House and Garbage?

The majority of our escorts
are professional men.

Now, there.

You're not a professional
man, are you, Mr. Sanford?

That's Dr. Sanford.

My bag's in the truck, isn't it?

Yeah.

If you're a doctor,
then I'm an airline pilot.

I can believe that.

I can believe that by
the excess baggage

in your tail section.

I think you had better leave.

Let's go, Fred.

No, no.

Not until she gets
us a paying date.

Are you kidding?

My clients wouldn't be
seen in public with you.

That doesn't matter to me.

I'll take them to the
junkyard and dance with 'em.

Mr. Sanford...

if I hired you as an escort,
I'd become the laughing stock.

Okay.

Well, I'll return
to my junkyard,

and you return
to your stockyard.

Hey, how'd it go at
the escort service, Pop?

The lady wasn't interested.

I'm through.

The man I was... isn't.

See, the women
that want Don Juan...

Don Juant me!

Pop, I don't know what
that woman said to you, but...

She said I looked
ridiculous in this suit.

Now, your mother
loved this suit.

I bought it from her brother.

Pop, Mom loved
everything about you.

Yeah. Your mother had taste.

And if Mom were alive today,

she'd still feel the same
way about you, Pop.

I mean, the things that
turned Mom on to you

you didn't lose.

You really mean that, Lamont?

Sure I do.

You hear that, Elizabeth?

If I'm good enough
for you, honey,

I'm good enough for anybody,

and I'm gonna prove it.

Prove what?

That I've still
got what it takes

to take what they got.

You see, son, you are
looking at the president

of Los Angeles'
newest escort service.

Look, Pop, just
hold on a second.

Now, you don't have to
prove anything to anybody.

Why don't you
just forget about it?

Forget it? I'll
forget about it...

just as soon as I put them
Gramercy Escort Service

out of business.

We'll show them, Lamont.

What do you mean, we?

We...

Hutch, Elroy, and yours truly,
and you can be in on it too.

See, you can head up our
swinging singles division.

Just leave me out of this.

Think it over, son.

Think. Fred and Lamont Sanford,

President and Vice President
of our own escort service.

Title... "Sexy and Son."

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello.

Fred's Escort Service
and/or Junkyard.

Oh, you saw my ad in
the Los Angeles Sentinel.

Yes, indeed.

Uh-huh. We've got escorts.

You can come take your pick.

Give them a chance,
and they'll flick your Bic.

All right. Saturday night?

Saturday night for the opera.

Pagliacci?

Why not-chee?

You'll call back?

I'll be here.

Phone hasn't
stopped ringing, son.

[TIRES SCREECHING]

[CRASHING]

Hutch is here.

[BANGING AND CLATTERING]

Elroy's with him.

Hi, Fred. Hi, Lamont.

Did you get any calls, Fred?

Plenty of them,

and there's a lady
coming here today,

and if she likes what she
sees, we're in business.

It's this ad that did it.

Well, what's the ad say?

It's not what it says, Lamont.

It's the picture. See?

Hey, Pop, you shouldn't
have done this, man.

This is false and
misleading advertising.

I prefer to think
of it as insurance.

Insurance? Yeah.

You see, the ladies will
take one look at your picture,

and they'll say, "I want
a piece of that rock."

Okay, and what's gonna
happen when they finally see you?

I just wanted them to
start calling, that's all.

Once they meet me,
my own natural charm

and animal magnetism
will take over.

Well, what about Elroy and me?

Do we have animal magnetism too?

Certainly,

but if the wind is right,
nobody will notice.

I'll see you later.

If you'll excuse us, I
have to instruct my escorts

on the art of being
a top escorter.

Such as?

Such as table manners.

Now, suppose a
client and yourself

are in a restaurant.

What's the first thing you do
when you come to the table?

Grab the tip!

Before that.

Oh, you pull out the
chair for your lady.

That's right.

Then suppose she asks
you for some change.

Change for what?

To tip the attendant

when she goes to
powder her nose.

How much are you
supposed to give her?

How big is her nose?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

That must be the
lady that called

earlier this afternoon.

Oh, good evening.

Um, I must have
the wrong address.

I was looking for
the escort service.

This is it.

But this is a junk shop.

Antiques, my dear, antiques.

Do come in.

Now, you told me on the phone

that you were from out of town.

Yes. I'm here for the
Coiffeur Convention.

Coiffeur... I work with hair.

Mm-hmm. That's perfect.

All of our escorts
like to be teased.

Yes.

Look, perhaps I won't be
needing an escort service

after all.

No, wait a minute, wait.
At least just look us over.

LAMONT: Hey, Pop,
I was on the truck...

That's him!

That's the man in the ad!

Oh, he's not available.

But that's the one
I expected to meet.

Good. You just met him.

Now forget him,
because he has split ends.

But he's young and handsome.

Are you busy tomorrow night?

I'm sorry, but I'm not
part of their organization.

Take me, honey. I
give blue chip stamps.

If you change
your mind, call me.

Marlene Williams.

I'm at the Beverly
Central Hotel.

Hey, Pop, I told you,
you shouldn't have...

Don't talk to me.

I just made a fool out of
myself because of you.

Because of me?

Yeah. You're the one
told me I still had it.

Well, Pop, this young lady
obviously wasn't interested

in a... in a mature
man such as yourself,

but there are a lot
of women that are.

He's right, Fred.

I know a lot of elderly widows
would be glad to go out with us.

Yeah, Fred, and
those widows are rich,

and they tip big.

They do?

Yeah. Yeah.

Well, look, Hutch,

why don't you
call us up a bunch,

and we'll take them out. Right.

Wait a minute. Look
at this good feeling.

The Three Musketeers.

The Three Musketeers
may be up in years,

but one thing we got...

we're still hot to trot.

Get the phone.

♪ Folks, here's the story
About Minnie the Moocher ♪

♪ She was a red hot
Hoochie Koocher ♪

♪ She was the roughest
And the toughest frail ♪

♪ Minnie had a heart
As big as a whale ♪

♪ Hidee hidee hidee ho! ♪

♪ Hidee hidee hidee hee ♪

♪ Hi... ♪♪

Look, son.

Do I look like something

that stepped out of Esquire?

No, you look more like something

that was kicked
out of El Segundo.

Thank you, son.

Yeah, but you don't
look anything like

the picture in this ad.

Well, what are
you talking about?

You told me...

What are you talking about?

You told me to use
my own face, and I did.

Yeah, but that's the
only thing that's your own.

Whose body is this?

Mine.

When was the last time
you saw me undressed?

Yesterday.

Well, this morning
I did 20 pushups.

See, I shape up fast.

Pop, you're only going
to be disappointed again.

Not this time. Not this time.

We're in full swing.

We've got three dates
confirmed for tonight.

Fred...

Hutch just told me
the good news, kid.

Yeah. We in business.

Yeah.

Look, you can do what
you wanna do, Pop,

but just don't say I
didn't warn you, okay?

Now, we're meeting the ladies
at the Continental Restaurant

at 7:00.

Right. Right.

I'm looking forward to it.

How much money are
we gonna make, Fred?

Well, now, the way I see it,

it'd be $15 for tonight,

and if we... if they liked
us, $15 tomorrow night.

Hey, that's $30 each.

How you figure that?

Fifteen and fifteen comes to 30.

Yeah, but when 15
and 15 comes to 30,

ten and ten comes to Freddie.

How come you get so much?

Because the whole idea was mine,

and I got expenses.

Well, I got expenses too.

New shoes, new shirt,
new can of Right Guard.

Okay. How much are
you willing to give me?

Nothing. I want the whole $15.

Me too, Fred.

Well, I'll tell you
what. I'll give you five.

No way, Fred.
All or nothing. 15!

Five! Fifteen!

Six. Fifteen!

Seven. Fifteen! Fifteen!

Eight, and that's
my last offer...

Come on, Elroy. Let's go. Yeah.

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute, now.
What about the ladies?

They're counting on all
three of us to be there.

Well, let them count
all they want to.

Until you count
to 15, count us out!

Come on.

[PIANO PLAYING]

How do you do?

My dear, my name
is Fred G. Sanford.

Don't get up.

Oh, my, Mr. Sanford.

Your face is just like
it looked in the ad,

but your body failed to develop.

No, see, I'm wearing
a bulletproof suit.

See, what may appear
to be fat is all lead.

Now, you order some
appetizers, I'll go to the washroom,

and I'll rush back as
soon as I get the lead out.

How about that 15 in front?

Oh, yes.

Yes... Thank you so much.

Let me kiss your hand.

Oh, my goodness!

Your goodness hasn't
reached your hand yet.

Phew!

Allo, allo, allo.

Mon amie.

You must be Maxine.

Yes, I'm Maxine.

You must be Frenchy.

Oui, that's me.

Frenchy Sanford at your service.

Hey, Frenchy, were
you really born in France?

I am French born,
and I am French bred.

With my French bread,
I make ze French toast.

Toujours.

May you live long to
pay me my 15 bucks.

Thank you.

Please order your appetizer,

and I shall return

as soon as I come
from ze room of ze wash.

Okay, Frenchy.

Buenos dias, Buenos noches.

Buenos knows where
the wild goose goes.

Oh, are you Señor Pitts?

Sí. Do you have any pesos
while we're on that subject?

Like $15 worth,

and then we'll get down to
the Spanish love, Señorita.

Here you are.

Now, if you want to dazzle me

with Spanish words of love,

I'm ready to be dazzled.

Ooh, well, then perhaps

you would like to hear
the sound of the ocean.

Ooh, I'd love that very much.

Oh, great.

I'm going to the washroom,

and I'll leave ze
door open for you.

Pop?

Son, I feel like I'm
going to... What?

Pop.

What happened?

Oh, I just ate three lamb
chops, four enchiladas,

duck under oranges,

and a big bowl of menudo.

Really?

Yeah. Son, I never washed
so many times in my life.

I entertained three
women in three accents,

ate three meals, made $45,

and I'm too sick to
spend the money.

You go about things
all wrong, man.

Would you put on a
pot of coffee, please?

At this hour?

Sure. I found out

that it's cheaper
eating in restaurants

and then have coffee at home.

Uh, ladies!

All right.

Ladies?

Here he is.

[LADIES COOING AND EXCLAIMING]

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

♪ Gotta meet her at 7:00 ♪

♪ Got a date with an angel ♪

♪ And I'm on my way to heaven ♪♪

Hey, Pop, how come the new suit?

You like it?

I bought it with the
45 bucks I made

from the escort service.

Why do you need a new suit?

Well, this morning I got a call

from the Gramercy
Escort Service.

I guess they recognize
talent when they see it,

because they got a date for
me, and I'm gonna get paid for it.

Well, I'm happy about that,

but what's your plans?

Well, son, you
know, with women...

See, women are flexible.

It's necessary to
be flexible with them.

See, I plan to play it by ear,

and if I play it by
ear long enough,

I might work my
way round to the lips.

Well, Mrs. Willis, here I am,

ready, willing, and able.

Well, two out of
three isn't bad.

All right, Mrs. Willis,
we better get on with it.

Tell me about my
date, because, you see,

I'm very particular
about who I'm seen with.

[CHUCKLES]

I'm sure the two of you
will get along beautifully.

Now, here's your escort fee.

Uh-huh.

And here are your
driving instructions

to the house in Beverly Hills.

Beverly Hills?

That's right.

Just ring the bell and
ask for Lola Falana.

Lola Falana?

Lola Falana!

What happened?

Son, you won't believe this.

For the first time in my life, I
had a date I couldn't handle.

I been mauled, and hugged,

and nibbled at the ear.

By your date?

No.

I had to go over to
Lola Falana's house.

Lola Falana!

Uh-huh.

You had a date with Lola Falana?

No, I escorted
her dog to the park.

Here.

[♪♪♪]