Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 18 - Lamont in Love - full transcript

When Lamont falls in love with a mysterious woman, Fred and Esther play amateur sleuths to learn more about her.

Lamont's girlfriend's coming.

I've got to pretty
this place up.

Ah...

Well, how do I look, Pop?

Hey, you look great, son,
and you must feel cool.

Why?

Your fly is open.

Well, how's your whiplash, Pop?

Oh, it's a little better.

Yeah, well, maybe tonight

when you go to
the drive-in movie,



you'll watch the movie
like you're supposed to

instead of looking in
other people's cars.

Okay, son.

But the place looks nice, man.

Thanks for cleaning it up.

Right, and in honor of
meeting your new girlfriend,

I didn't sweep the
trash up under the rug,

like I usually do.

Good.

Just don't open the closet door.

Uh, sit down, son.

You've got a few
minutes, ain't you?

Yeah. Sit down.

Now, I think it's time for us



to have a little talk.

I think you're old enough.

I think I'm old enough too.

There are men and
there are women.

Pop... Hold it.

And there are birds
and there are bees.

Is this gonna be one
of those conversations

about the facts of life?

Yes.

Where you tell me
about the birds and bees?

No. I want you to tell me
about the birds and bees

because I ain't
been stung in years.

Okay, Pop, what's on your mind?

Well, this girl is on my mind.

Now, tell me about her.

Well, there isn't
that much to tell.

What do you mean,
not much to tell?

Look, son, you've
got a girlfriend

and you've been going with
her every single day this month,

and you tell me you ain't
got nothing to say about her?

You're serious
about her, ain't you?

Yeah, I'm very serious.

Well... but you haven't
told me a thing about her.

I know, Pop, but, see, I...

Listen, son. Now,
let's get one thing clear.

I don't want to interfere.

The last thing I want to do
is be a nosy, prying parent.

Great.

Wait a minute.

All I want to know is
her name, address,

and place of birth,

and everything she's
done in the past 10 years.

Okay, well, I know

this is gonna sound a
little strange to you, Pop,

but I don't know any more
about Janet than you do.

You're kidding.

No, she doesn't talk
about herself much,

and I don't feel
it's my place to ask.

Well, I don't think it's
your place to ask either,

so I'll ask.

I'm gonna tell you one
time and one time only, Pop.

Janet means a lot to me,

and if you interfere
in our relationship,

I'll never forgive you.

Okay, now, that's Janet now.

Remember what I said, Pop.

Just say hello, goodbye,
and leave it at that, okay?

Ahem.

"Hello, goodbye,
and leave it at that."

Hi, Janet.

Hello, Lamont.

Uh, Pop... I want you
to meet Janet Lawson.

Janet, this is my
father, Fred Sanford.

Nice to meet you, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, I'll just say hello
and leave it at that.

Well, we better be going, Janet,

if we want to get
to Memory Lane.

Okay. Here. You drive.

Nice meeting you, Mr. Sanford.

Goodbye.

I'll just say goodbye
and leave it at that.

Remember what I said, Pop.

Stay out of this, okay?

Stay out of it.
Stay out of it...

Can I answer the phone?

Hello?

No, I'm sorry, sir, you
must have the wrong...

Janet who? Oh, Janet!

Uh, sorry, buddy,
she just left. Right.

Bye.

Uh-oh.

Hi, Fred.

I'll just say hello, Bubba,
and leave it at that.

Bubba, I'm really worried.

Me too.

We better leave here now

if we want to get
to the drive-in movie

in time to park
in the first row.

Bubba, forget that.

Forget it?

Fred, the last time, we
had to park in the back,

and watching the
other couples necking

not only got you that whiplash,
you fogged up the windshield,

and we only seen
half of the picture.

Bubba, I'm worried about Lamont.

Yeah? Why?

Because, see, he's
been dating this same girl

for a month, and... and...

And I think he's
in love with her.

Hey, that's great, Fred.

But why are you worried?

See, the problem is that Lamont

doesn't know
anything about this girl

because she won't tell him.

Oh, I see.

And as a concerned father,

you're worried that
Lamont may be taken in

by this silent and
mysterious woman, right?

Exactly.

You do understand,
Bubba, don't you?

Sure. I know, man.

Look, I saw the same problem
on the late movie last night.

You see, George Peppard
was in love with Audrey Hepburn,

and the concerned
father was played

by that great athlete,
uh, uh... Charles Lawton,

who played hunchback
for Notre Dame.

Uh, Bubba... when you talk,

don't use your mouth.

Well, anyway, Fred,

Audrey Hepburn said
to Charles Lawton,

"Daddy, oh, Daddy," I love him.

Please don't
interfere in my life."

But the father suspected
that something was suspicious

about her boyfriend

until a stranger
called on the phone.

"Hello, I'm a stranger.

Is Audrey Hepburn there?"

Bubba, that just happened
right here a minute ago.

No kidding.

A stranger called here
for Audrey Hepburn?

No, Bubba, some guy
called for Lamont's girlfriend.

Now, what am I gonna do?

Well, look, Fred...

I'm really worried for my son,

but I promised him
I'd stay out of this.

Well, look, why don't you do

what the father
did in the movie?

He promised not to interfere,
so he hired a private detective

to find out about his
daughter's boyfriend.

He hired a private detective?

Yeah.

And then what happened?

I don't know.

You don't know?

No. You see, that's when
I had to go into the kitchen

and wash the butter off my face.

Well, what were you doing
with butter on your face?

I dozed off and my head
fell in the popcorn bowl.

Yeah, that'll do it.

Bubba, I just can't mess
in Lamont's personal life.

If I do, he'll never
speak to me again.

Whatever you say, Fred.

But remember, it's a
hard, cruel world out there,

and Lamont is just
a small, innocent fish

in a sea of sharks.

I'll get it.

Okay.

All right, all
right. I'm coming.

Is this the Sanford residence?

Uh, yeah, right.

Is Janet Lawson here?

Well, no. She went
out with my son.

Okay, do me a favor, buddy.

You tell your son
I'm looking for him.

You got that?

Huh?

You tell your son
I'm looking for him.

Uh, okay... So long.

Oh, no!

Hey, Bubba... What?

Lamont might
be just a little fish

in a sea of sharks,
but that was Jaws!

Yoo-hoo!

Come in.

Oh!

Good morning, Mr. Sanford.

Good morning, good
morning, good morning.

Have a little sit down
there, Mrs. Hopkins.

Oh, thank you.
Thank you very much.

I can't stay long, but
I'm just so pleased

that you asked me
over for a little chitchat.

Help yourself to some tea.

Oh, yes. Yes, thank you. Lovely.

Yeah, you can keep
the bag, if you want to.

You're too kind.

Listen, how are things
with your son, Hoppy?

Oh, he is just
wonderful, wonderful.

He's such a... He's
such a fine police officer.

Such a fine...

but he did, however, have
one minor setback last week.

Setback?

He was at the policeman's picnic

and Chief Davis came up to him

and asked him if he
was enjoying himself

and Howard said, "Oh,
I'm having a gay old time!"

And he has to dress at home now.

You see, they
won't... allow him to...

How are things on your job?

You're a... A store
detective. Yes.

Really? A detective?

Yes.

Oh, what a coincidence!

Coincidence?
What... Yes, you see,

I have a friend who
has a little problem

that maybe you
could help me with,

being that you're a detective,

by coincidence.

Yes, well, uh, what is
the nature of the problem?

Well, um... The nature, yes.

Well, my friend has
this girl that he's been...

having nature with,

but the girl won't tell him
anything about herself.

Hmm, sounds as
though she might have

some skeletons in her closet.

Yes.

And I don't want my friend
to become one of them.

Well, Mr. Sanford, I
think this girl's background

should definitely
be investigated.

Oh, how true.

Uh, how, may I ask?

Yes, well, uh...

my technique would
be to enter her home

posing as a... a... a...

Uh, uh, a poll taker, let's say,
ask a few questions and then,

then, Mr. Sanford, observe.

Observe what?

Well, uh, the... the... the...
The way she wears her hat.

The way she sips her tea.

The memory of... ♪ All that... ♪

♪ No, no, they can't ♪

♪ Take that away from me... ♪

I wish they could.

Well, I guess I'd
better be off. Yes.

Yes.

You are a little off.

Oh, by the way, Mr. Sanford,

if your friend
decides to investigate,

he must have, of
course, a sidekick.

A sidekick?

Oh, yes, indeed!

All the great crime
fighters had sidekicks.

I mean, Sherlock
Holmes has his Watson,

Starsky has his Hutch.

Even Ellery had his Queen.

Not funny, Mr. Sanford.

I'll bet you this... When
you were a detective,

you had a sidekick
too, didn't you?

Yes, as a matter of fact, I did.

I know.

I can see he kicked you
in the side of your face.

Well, I never!

And you probably never will.

Hey, Pop.

Hello, Lamont.

How's my favorite nephew?

Oh, just fine.

Uh, hey, where's my father?

A beautiful son.
A beautiful day.

A beautiful sister-in-law.

Oh, Fred...

Esther and I were
just having a little chat

in the kitchen there, son.

Getting to know
each other better.

Are you feeling okay, Pop?

Oh, your pop's fine.

He's just mending his ways.

Well, it's about time.

Well, I gotta go.

Hey, listen, son,

you going to visit
that girl again tonight?

Well, I might go out with
Janet later, you know,

but right now I've got
to make some deliveries.

I'll see you later.
Okay, son, I'll see you.

I'll be here with my lovely...

Go ahead on, Fred.
Go ahead on and say it.

Back off, Esther. Back off.

Back off.

You're curdling the
cream in my coffee.

But, Fred...

Esther, don't
misunderstand, please.

See, I had to make
sweet talk to you

so Lamont wouldn't know
that you were my sidekick.

Well, I'm still not so sure

that we should interfere in
Lamont's personal affairs.

Esther, I told you.

It's for his own good.
We have to protect him.

But if you want my help,

you're gonna have
to be nice to me.

Okay, I apologize.

I need you in
this caper, Esther.

You're gonna be my right hand

and my left hand.

All right, Fred.

Now, there's just
one thing I have to do

before we start.

What?

Find me some gloves.

I'm coming.

Good evening.

Are you Janet Lawson?

Yes.

Well, we're here from
the census takers' office.

Census takers?

Yes, and we'd like to
ask you a few questions,

if you don't mind.

Oh, I don't mind.

Well, my name is Amber
Estherson and this is my assistant...

Uh, my assistant...
Uh, I'm the Falcon.

Peter Falcon.

His nickname is Ol' Dumbo.

That's "Columbo."

Excuse me.

Why don't we all sit down?

Yes.

Uh, see, now,

we have a few important
questions to ask...

My, you have a lovely place.

I admire your taste.

Oh, thank you.

I got most of it at
Beckman's, on sale.

Now, these
questions... Beckman's!

Oh, I shop there all the time.

Now, these questions...

I just love their special sales.

Question number one is...

I'm always picking up a bargain.

How would you like to
be picking your teeth up

off the ground?

As I was saying, madam,

I think you'll find
these questions

very impersonal
and easy to answer

with a simple yes or no.

Fine. Go ahead.

Well, have you
ever been arrested?

And, if so, when, where,

and how much time did
you spend in the big house,

including escape attempts?

Yes or no?

What kind of a question is that?

Well, I would
give it an A-minus.

Is this a census poll?

Oh, you'll have to
look over my assistant.

He gets carried away sometimes.

I'll ask the questions
from now on.

Now, are you married, dear?

No. I'm divorced.

Aha!

Now we're getting somewhere.

I have met someone
awfully nice, though.

Oh, really? Who, may I ask?

His name is Lamont.

And he's warm and
intelligent and handsome...

Uh, probably takes
after his father.

You know, I think so.

You do?

I only met Mr. Sanford once,

but I have the feeling
that he's a pretty good guy.

You think so?

Oh, he's kind of a
grouch on the outside,

but I'll bet that underneath
is a warm, loving person.

That's why I love his son.

Now for my next question...

Esther, forget about
the next question.

Look, come on.

I want you to go on
home, Esther, by yourself.

You'll be safe,

because this is Be-Kind-
to-Someone-Ugly week.

I'll explain to you.

Uh, look here, honey.

Mr. Sanford!

I'm sorry, Janet, but, see,

you wouldn't tell Lamont
anything about yourself

and I didn't want
him to get hurt,

and I had to know.

Well, I'm sorry
too, Mr. Sanford.

And I guess I deserved it,

and you do have a right to know.

Mr. Sanford, the reason

I didn't tell Lamont
anything about myself

was because I was
afraid if he knew,

he wouldn't like me anymore.

What do you mean,
wouldn't like you?

You're nice and you're pretty

and you recognize
handsome sons and fathers

when you see them.

I'm divorced. I have a child.

I work as a waitress in a bar,

and I have a brother
that's an ex-prize fighter.

I think I met your brother.

I know Lamont's
never been married,

and, well, I thought he
wouldn't want to date a woman

with the background
and problems that I have.

Listen, Janet...
May I call you Janet?

Sure.

Well, look, there's
nothing wrong

with being divorced
or having children,

and, personally,

some of the finest
women I ever drooled over

have worked in bars.

But, Mr. Sanford...

And as for the prize fighters,

you've just saw my
sister-in-law Esther

with the cauliflower face.

But what about Lamont?

Well, how will he feel?

Look, I know my son.

I can handle him.

You think so?

I know so.

See, I think Lamont's lucky

that you like him, Janet.

He's lucky you care about him.

You're a nice guy, Peter Falcon.

Just call me Pete.

I love you, Pete.

Uh, Re-Pete.

I love you, Pete!

Yeah.

Hello, son.

Oh, hey, Pop. Where've
you been, man?

I was looking for
you a while ago.

Oh, I been here and
there. Just enjoying myself.

Yeah? Yeah.

You seem like you're
in a good mood.

I am. I feel great.

I'll see you later. I'm
going over to Janet's.

Uh, however, I've got a friend
who has a big, big problem.

A friend?

Yeah, see, this
acquaintance of mine.

See, this guy has a
girlfriend that he's crazy about.

Go on.

But this girlfriend won't tell
him anything about herself.

I see.

So, this guy's father...

Who only wants
the best for his son...

The friend is me, the
father is you, right?

Well, it isn't Bing
and Bill Cosby.

So long, Pop.

Wait, son. Don't you
want to hear the rest of it?

I know what you're
gonna say, man.

You found out some little
small thing about Janet

and now you think she's
not good enough for me.

Wrong, I found out
one big thing about her.

Maybe you're not
good enough for her.

She loves you.

Really?

Lamont... I'm gonna
tell you the truth.

I think she's the greatest.

Hey, man, I don't
know what to say, Pop.

Yeah, well, just
go on over there

and have a good time.

Yeah. Right.

And listen. Huh?

When you get over there... Yeah?

Make sure that you say
hello to her son for me.

Her son?

She's got a son?

Yeah.

Uh, she got custody
after the divorce.

Divorce?

She's been di...
She's been married?

Yeah, but see,
she supports herself

because she works in a bar.

She works in a bar?

At night.

She works in a bar
at night, has a kid,

and has been married?

I don't know if I want to
see a woman like that.

What do you mean?

Your brain's been
divorced from your body

a long time.

Well, you know what, Pop?

I'm glad you interfered
this time, man,

because I could have
made a big mistake.

Right, son, because
Janet, she's terrific.

I mean, take my word for it.

Now, go on over there.

I don't know, Pop.

Go! Wait a minute.

I don't know, man,

because she's got
a lot of problems.

Son, take it from me, now.

If you don't tell her
that you love her,

she's gonna have a big problem.

What?

Kissing a boyfriend

with a fist stuck in his mouth.

Just go!

I don't know if I should... Go!

Pop, I don't know
if I should go.

Will you go?

Coming.

Lamont, come on in.

May I have a kiss?

First, I want to tell you...

I've got something
to tell you, Janet.

Something I've been
wanting to say for... for a while.

Oh? Yeah.

It worked!

Ooh! Really?

Yeah, it worked.

He fell for it like
a charm, man.

It worked.

Oh, that's... that's wonderful.

Hey, where's David?

He's in the kitchen.

Hey, David.

Shh! You'll wake up my son.

I heard, Lamont.

This calls for a celebration.

Hey, you know, at
first, I really didn't think

your plan would work.

Well, see, I knew it would work.

Now, if I had just told Pop
everything about Janet,

he would've carried
on something awful.

So you let him
find out for himself.

Right, I let him meet
you on his own terms,

and he was gonna meddle anyway,

but this way he got a chance

to meet you on his own terms.

Well, I still think it was
pretty sneaky of you

sending David over
there to scare your father.

Maybe,

but I got the feeling
that the old man

could handle
himself pretty good.

So, you know, I think
this calls for a toast.

Yep, calls for a toast.

To Fred G. Sanford.

The G stands for
a great father and...

maybe a great father-in...

Go slow, baby. Go slow.

A little toast.

Hey, Pop.

You waited up for
me. I think that's nice.

Right, son. I fell asleep
right after the monster movie.

Oh, yeah? What
was the movie called?

It was called Gork Eats New
York and Gets a Thank-You Note

From President Ford.

Listen, son, uh...

Why don't you sit
down and tell me

what happened with Janet?

You really want to know?

Of course I want to know.

I'm concerned. I
care about you, son.

I want you to be happy.

Well, I think things
are gonna be all right

between Janet and I, Pop.

Hey, that's great. You
know, she's terrific.

Yeah. You know, you
were right about her, Pop.

I'm always right.

I mean, so what
if she has a child?

Sure, children are great.

She's still nice to
spend time with.

Spend all the time you want.

Yeah. So what if
she works in a bar?

Bars are fun.

So what if she's been married?

I've been married and I'm okay.

You sure are, Pop.

Yeah, and so you're gonna

keep on going out with her, huh?

More than that, Pop.

More than what?

Well, Janet and I might
be getting engaged.

What?

Yeah. See, you gotta get
engaged before you get married.

Married?

Are you crazy?

Why do you want to get involved

with a girl like that?

She's divorced.

She has a child.
She works in a bar.

She's short.

I don't like the way
she wears her hair.

Her dress is too short.

The way she walks...
Got this big old nose

and them old ears
stick out there like that.

Right, Janet.

Yeah. Tomorrow at 8:00.

I miss you too, honey.

Every second that
I'm away from you

seems like a year.

I can't wait until tomorrow.

Bye-bye, my little sweetie-kins.

Uh, dinner is ready.

Hey, I appreciate
you not teasing me

about what you just heard, Pop.

Right.

And thanks for cooking dinner.

Well, the least I can do is
see that my little dummy-kins

has some yummy-kins
to put in his tummy-kins.

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