Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 14 - Can You Chop This? - full transcript

Fred plans to get rich quick by selling Whopper Chopper food processors, using Lamont's acting school tuition money to make his initial investment.

Hey, Pop?

I'm in here, son.

Hey, Pop. Lunch ready?

Yeah, you're gonna love it.

I got the recipe from the
Cavorting Connoisseur.

Here it is right here.

You're gonna
love it, I telling you!

What is it?

What you want it to be?

Somebody else's lunch.



In here, Mrs. Hopkins.

Oh! Oh.

Good afternoon,
Lamont, Mr. Sanford.

I just stopped over to borr...

Oh, I see you have been watching
the Cavorting Connoisseur, yes?

It's an old Southern
recipe, Louisiana Quiche.

The Connoisseur calls
it Louisiana Quiche,

but I call it Oklahoma Crud.

That's crude.

Crude crud, ain't it?

Oh, well, I'm... I'm having a
little get-together this week

for some of the ladies
in the neighborhood.

Oh, at the Sanford Arms?

Yes. Correct.
Yes. It's sort of a...

Get-to-know-your-minority party.

I wondered if I might borrow
a bowl for my potato chips?

Oh, sure. I've
got one right here.

Oh. Good.

There you go. How about that?

That's fine. Than...
Oh! Mr. Sanford...

Mr. Sanford, my bathtub
is backing up again.

Now, what do you suggest?

I suggest you get in
it, take it out of reverse,

and drive it off a cliff.

Well, I never!

Try it. You'll like it.



Why don't you sit down
and have your lunch?

You expect me to eat that?

It could be worse.


You could expect me to eat it.

I'll grab myself a Fatburger
after the next delivery.

I'll tell you something...

No, no. Wait a
second. One day...

I'm going to come in this house,

and you're gonna fix
a decent meal for me.

Is that today's mail?

Yeah, that's today's mail.

I sorted it already.

Yeah... These...
these go to you.

And these go to me.

And this one goes
in the filing cabinet.

Goodbye, bill.

Oh, wow! It came, Pop!

I've been waiting
for this for weeks.

Man, I've been accepted.


Oh, your adoption papers.

Somebody's gonna
take you off my hands.

No, Pop. Well... You
remember Lee Ginsberg?

He came down to
the Y a few weeks ago,

and he saw me in one
of my acting classes,

and he said I was
terrific, Pop. Oh, yeah?

Yeah, and he's accepted
me into his workshop.

It's an honor to study
with Lee Ginsberg, Pop.

I mean, he's a fabulous
teacher, and besides that,

he developed an entirely
new method of acting.

"Tuition, $200."

He developed an entire
new method of robbery.

The class starts next Wednesday.

I hope I have
enough money saved.

Listen, wait a minute.

Remember, that money in there,

some of that's my money in there

for the work that I did.

I know, Pop, and you
deserve a fair share

for the work you do around here.

Tell me something.

Here's a dime.

168... 169... 170.

I'm $30 short,

but I think I can have the money

by next Wednesday.

Well, listen, son, why
don't you forget about

this old Ginsberg guy?

I can teach you more
about acting than he can.

Oh, sure you can.

Sure I can! Give me that money.

Hey, would you give
me my money back?

Listen. See that?

I got you acting like a
guy who just lost $170.

Stop it. Now, look.

Pop, I just want to tell you,

I know this doesn't
mean anything to you,

and $200 is an awful
lot of money, but...

This is very important to me,
Pop, and I hope you understand.

Listen, Lamont, you're
my son. I do understand.


Thanks a lot, Pop.

And I can't wait

to see you starring
in your first movie...

"Deep Dummy."

Oh, hi, Hutch. Hi, Lamont.

See you later, Pop.

Hi, Fred. Hiya, Hutch.

What's that awful smell?

Oh, it's a recipe I got from
the Cavorting Connoisseur.

Would you like to have some?

I don't think so. I
think you burned it.

Well, put some Solarcaine on
it, you won't know the difference.

Hey, that reminds me.

The Cavorting
Connoisseur is on right now.

And that's it for
today's edition

of the Cavorting Connoisseur.

We missed it.

I do hope you enjoyed the show,

especially Mrs.
Waterford's household hint...

How to make sour
cream in your own home.

You wanna know how to make
sour cream in your own home?

You get some skim milk

and hold it up in
front of Esther's face.

Goodbye, everybody.

See you next time.

See you, Cavorting!

Don't touch that dial!

How would you like to
make some easy money?

Easy money?

He's reading our minds, Fred.

Are you tired of not
having any money at all?

Now he's reading our pockets.

Why don't you be a
Whopper Chopper salesman?

Simply call 555-9191

and our representative
will come out and show you

how this do-all food chopper
can improve your lot in life.

Yeah, I got a lot to improve.

No obligation.

Call now and learn how
you too can earn easy money.

Oh, that ends it.
That guy's crazy.

Ain't no such thing
as easy money.

Oh, I wouldn't say that, Fred.

You know, my cousin became

one of those Whopper
Chopper salesmen,

and he made over $400.


In only 10 days.

$400 in 10 days,
that's $40 a day.

I haven't seen that
kind of money since...

since, uh... since...

Ain't never seen
that kind of money!

What'd you say that number was?

Hey, wait a minute, Fred!

Now, my cousin is
a great salesman.

I don't think you can
do as good as he could.

I can sell anything to anybody
at any time, any where.

Hah, hah!


Let's see.

If he gives me a hundred
Whopper Choppers

at $1.75 apiece...
that's... $175.00.

And I'll sell them for $6.75...

And that makes my profit...

Let's see... 432 divided
by 81 goes into 719 over...

Yeah, okay, okay.


Yes, yes! Speak! Oh.

Coming, coming, coming..

Four billion...

Good morning, good
morning, good morning!

Are you one Fred Sanford?

Yes. I... Good to see you!

My name is Danny Taylor,

and I'm your Whopper
Chopper representative,

and I'm here to tell you...

♪ Da-da, da-da-da-dah! ♪

♪ A Whopper Chopper
man Is hard to beat ♪

♪ He looks 100 per...
From head to feet ♪

♪ He's got a smile, a
style A winning way ♪

♪ No matter where you
go You'll recognize him ♪

♪ And you'll say ♪

♪ Now there's a
man I'd like to know ♪

♪ He has that good old
Whopper up-and-go ♪

♪ And just to look at
him Is quite a treat ♪

♪ It's hard to beat A
Whopper Chopper man ♪

Well, just sign
here, Mr. Sanford.

Sure. These must be your papers
to declare you legally insane.

No, sir, Mr. Sanford.

See, those are
just the contracts.

See, I'm gonna
make you a rich man.

Well, that's what I
want to hear about.

Uh, sit down.

Well, thank you very
much, sir. Thank you.

Oh... Not in my seat!

Yes, sir, yes, sir,
a rich, rich, R-I-C-H

rich man.

Hey, let me make
you comfortable.

Sit right there.

Thank you.

Well, there she is, Mr. Sanford.

The Whopper Chopper.

She dices, slices,
minces, chops, and grates.

She's the wonder of the century.

She's sleek. She's streamlined.

And she's inexpensive.

Is she free Friday night?


Cute, Mr. Sanford.

Well, look, I've got

the rest of your Whopper
Choppers in my car.

I'll just stack
them up out back.

Now, let me see, that's
100 Whopper Choppers

at $1.75 apiece.

That's 175 smackeroos.

Well, as soon as I sell a
hundred Whopper Choppers

for $6.75 apiece, I'll
give you your $175.

Uh-uh-uh, Mr. Sanford.

You see, my policy is
C.O.D... Cash on delivery.

Well, now, that's a good
policy, but try my policy... H.I.D.


Yeah. "Have it in December."

I'm sorry, Mr. Sanford.

I guess we just
can't do business.

Good to see you.

Hey, wait a minute!

Well, you know what?

I'll just have to sell these
to Mr. Lewis across town.

Let me see... this
is his fourth order.

Fourth order? Right.

You see, he's already made
$1600 selling Whopper Choppers,

and you could too,

but, well, if you don't
have the money...

I didn't say I didn't
have the money.

Here, take the contract.

I got the money.
It's my son's money.

See, it's my money once removed,
and I gonna have to remove it.

Well, Mr. Sanford,
just remember,

it takes money to make money.

Well, let me think a second.

I thought.

Hey, look out there.

Should I or shouldn't I?

I'm, uh, waiting, Mr. Sanford.

Give me a minute.
I'm trying to decide.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

He'll kill me.

He'll kill me not.

Uh, I'm talking about
$1600, Mr. Sanford.

He'll kill me,
but I'll die rich.

Here's the money.

Thank you, sir,

and here's your
Whopper Choppers.

And Mr. Sanford, thank
you very much for the money.

Believe me. You won't regret it.


Good to see you.

Hey, Pop, who's that dude?

What's in the box?

What box?

Oh, in the box. Um...

♪ Fa la la-la La la la-la ♪

Here's your Christmas present.

And don't open it up till
the 25th of December.

Whopper Choppers?

The television commercial!

Pop, you didn't!

No, I swear I didn't.

Take my lie for it.

You gave that dude
my tuition money

for those Whopper Choppers.

You stole my money!

Don't say that.

I mean, when I sell
the Whopper Choppers,

I'll give you your money back,

and I'll have enough
money to give you

that 30 bucks extra you need.

But it's stealing, Pop.

No, it ain't.

It's stealing with interest.

The banks do it all the time.

You stole my money, man.

You knew how much that
acting class meant to me.

Well, I'll get it back.

Pop, if I don't have that
money by Wednesday, man,

I'm splitting. I'm leaving.

Oh, son, don't say that.

I mean, after all
I've done for you.

Well, stop doing
things for me, man.

How come every time you
do something ridiculous,

it's for me?

It's never for you.

And if I don't get
that money, Pop,

you will have messed up
a great opportunity for me,

and I'm not gonna
let you do it anymore.

I didn't know that acting class

meant more to you
than your sick old father

who's been taking care of you

for 35 years with arthritis.

Don't you understand, Pop?

It's not just the
acting lessons.

This is the last straw, man.

If I let you get away with this,

there's no telling
what you'll do next.

Wait a minute, son. Be
reasonable. Be reas...

Oh, shucks!

If Lamont leaves, I'll die.

I'll die.

What am I gonna do?

Freddie's life's
gone down the drain.

God pulled out the stopper.

He stole money
from his only son...

For these lousy
Whopper Choppers.

You really think
you're gonna sell

some of those Whopper Choppers

at the party?

Well, I'd better, because
I only got two days

to get Lamont's money back.

You said you could sell anything
just by turning on the charm.

Yeah, and I turned on my charm,

and the people turned
on their sprinklers.

You mean you didn't even
sell one Whopper Chopper?

Not one.

Well, you'd better move fast

if you don't want
Lamont to move out.

Yeah, well, I don't
want him to move out.

He might be a dummy,

but he's the only
dummy I've got.

I'll get it. See
you later, Fred.

Okay, Hutch.

Good evening, ladies.

Oh, hello there. How are you?

Mr. Sanford, you dear, dear man.

I cannot tell you how
much I appreciate

your allowing us
to use your home

for this little get-together.

Well, make yourselves at home.

My door's always open.

Have a seat, ladies.

Hi, Mr. Sanford.

Oh, hello, Janet.
How's your husband?

Oh, he's fine.

Hey, how long you
been married now?

Three weeks.

Three weeks.


I remember when I was
married three weeks.

I said to my son, Lamont...

Lamont! Oh, ho, ho!

Oh, Mr. Sanford!

Oh, ho, ho. Oh, Mr. Sanford.

You are a caution,

and I might add, a
very, very gracious host.

Not only a gracious host,

but I'm supplying the
free entertainment.

Oh, splendid! How interesting!


Well, wha...

Hey, wait a minute.
What's the matter with you?

Why you crying?

This is the first time

me and Roger have been
apart since we got married.

Well, what are you crying
for? You ought to be happy.

You need the rest.

Now, I want you to
pay close attention

because you'll never
see this again in your life.

You will be amazed!

Now, this is an onion.


I want you to notice there
is nothing up my sleeve,

and there is a hat, and
there is nothing in the hat,

so forget the hat.

Here's what I
want to talk about...

The Whopper Chopper.

Here it is, ladies!

I want you to look at
this Whopper Chopper.

This little gadget you can have
for the low, low price of $6.75.


You just take an onion
and drop it right in there,

like this,

and all you have to
do is turn the han...

And grab... wait a minute.

Wait, wait... Oh!

Oh! Oh... Oh, my goodness.

You need a safety catch.

Mine has a safety catch on it.

You got one of these?

Oh, yes, indeed.
We all have one.

You see, Mrs. Miller

had a Whopper
Chopper party last week.

We all bought one.

You mean none of you ladies are
gonna buy a Whopper Chopper?

What has that to
do with the party?

Come, let us get
on with the magic.

Oh, you want magic?


All right, now's my
disappearing trick.

Mr. Sanford,

can you really make
yourself disappear?

Not me. You.


Her. All of them...
Out of the house!

Come on.

Grab your cookies.

Get on out of here, all of you.

Get out of here.

Get out of here before
I saw all of you in half...

Now is the time.

And here it is.

Your Cavorting Connoisseur
has done it again...

Duck à l'Orange.

Smells positively scrumptious.

Isn't that gorgeous?

Hey, Hutch, this must
be the place here.

Hey, you know what?

There's a dead
duck in this building.

Fred. Huh?

Do you really know
what you're doing?

Listen, Hutch, I gotta get rid

of these Whopper Choppers,

and this is my last resort.

Where are you going?

Where am I going?

Up in the crowd,
where everybody is.

In the audience?
In the audience.

Excuse me. Pardon me, ma'am.

Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Will you please?

Not for all the money on earth.

In just a moment,
I'll be inviting

one of you lucky
people in the audience

to join me in this
marvelous repast.

But, right now,

let's take time out for
a commercial message.

30 seconds, Cavorting.

Mr. Connoisseur.

Hi, Danny. How are you?

Great. Couldn't be better.

Hey, I just wanted to tell you

what a pleasure it is to
be running our commercials

on your program.

Whopper Chopper
sales have tripled.

Happy to help.

Hey, listen, it's our pleasure.

Tape is rolling.

I'll see you later.

Talk to you later. Right.

And we are back.

Well, who is going to be
my dining companion today?

I will!

No, you won't.

I will, I will.

You sit down.

You need to go on a
diet and lose weight.

I will! I will! I will! I will!

How you feeling?

Hey, Hutch, I told you

there was a dead duck in here!

Come on. Sit down. Let's eat.

Just a moment,
sir. Just a moment.

My, you must be ravenous.

Good bread. Good meat.
I'm a Baptist. Let's eat.

Would you mind telling
me your name first?

Fred G. Sanford.

And if you got any,
the G is for gravy.

Nice to meet you, Fred.

I take it you like duck.

I can take it or leave it.

It's for my baby.

Your baby?

Little Lamont.

Duck à l'Orange for
an infant, Mr. Sanford?

Shouldn't he be
eating baby food?

Yes. Well, you don't
think I'd take a drumstick

and shove it down
his throat, do you?

His food has to be chopped,
and sliced, and diced,

and... and that's why I'm here.

Pureed. Pureed.

I love a pureed.

I love a parade.

See, this what I want
to show you here.

This Whopper Chopper.
Lookit here, folks.

For a low, low
price, it smashes,

it slices, it dices,

it does everything in the home.

All you do is just
turn the handle...

Wait a minute, now.

Isn't this fun?

Here, Fred, let me help you.

Oh, no, I'll do it myself.

.0..In the whole world,

you take a whole duck
and chop it right down...

Wait a minute!

Hold on, folks.

The Whopper Chopper.

Please get one of these

for the low, low price.

Just call me at 555-1079.

And I give blue-chip stamps.

And se habla espanol.

Call me... cinco-cinco-cinco-

Stop it! Stop it!

Hold it!

Hold it!

You're ruining my
company's image.

Stop the tape! Stop the tape!

What do you want
me to do, Cavorting?

Keep rolling. Keep rolling.

I love it. I love it.

My audience will love it too!

Wait a minute!

You can't show this on TV.

I'll be the laughingstock
of the Chopper Industry.

Hey, throw this guy out of here.

Mr. Sanford, I'm
warning you... Warn this.

I'll throw this
duck at your head.

All right, then, Mr. Sanford.

Okay, look.

All right, look.
I'm begging you.

I'm begging you. Look.

Just don't sign the release.


Yes, I mean, allowing them
to show this on television.

They... They can't do
it without your consent.

I'll sign anything they give me,

as long as I get my money back
for these Whopper Choppers.

Okay. I'll tell you
what, Mr. Sanford.

I'll buy them all back from you.

Here's your $175.

$175. For what?

For what? For your
hundred Whopper Choppers.

Now, just a moment.

Now, you're a businessman...

Now, you know I paid $175
for those Whopper Choppers,

and I can't sell them
for the same price.

Ain't no profit in that.

All right, how much more?

Well, see, there's overhead.

Overhead? What overhead?

Well, onions, a
torn shirt sleeve,

knuckles... that's $200.


All right, $200, but you
gotta give me your word

that you'll never sell another
Whopper Chopper... ever.

That's $5.00 more.

Just for your word?

My words start at $5.00 apiece.

Well, all right.

Here's $200 and the
$5.00 for your word.

And here's my word...

Oh, John.

If it wasn't for
scientists like you,

the swamp monster
would still be killing...

I love you, John.

You've made the
world safe for mankind.

Hey, Pop, what are
you watching that for?

That's the 15th time
you've seen that movie.

Son, that movie is a classic.

Now, if you'd just stay home
and watch movies like that,

you wouldn't have to go to
that old, dumb acting class.

You don't just learn acting
by just watching movies.

You have to practice.

I've learned a lot in
those classes. Look. Here.

Now, you read this,

and I'll show you
exactly what I mean.

Now, you be Father
Callahan. Go ahead.

Father Callahan...

This is Father Callahan, killer.

You haven't got a chance.

You're surrounded, my son.

Come out with your hands up.

Ooh... You dirty rat.

You'll never take me alive.

You're the guys that
gave it to my brother,

and I'm gonna give it to you.

I'm coming out blasting!
This one's for you, kid.

What do you think, Pop?

I can't believe

that a guy that never
had acting lessons

before in his life
could be that good.

All right.

I loved it. I was terrific.

Let me do it for you again.

Come on.

Now, listen, you dirty rat...

No, no. More teeth. More teeth.

I know how to do this.

You dirty rat...
You dirty rat...