Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 5, Episode 12 - Ebenezer Sanford - full transcript

Tightfisted Fred gets a ghostly wake-up call in this spoof of "A Christmas Carol."



Hey, Pop.

You know what, I

All right, here we go again.

You're not talking to me, right?

Well, you're wrong,
and you know it.

Why don't you just come on out

and admit that you're wrong?

Now, go out there
and do that inventory

like you're supposed to,

and if I have time
when I come home,

I'll help you finish it.


Pop, you know I like toast.


All right, I'll do it.

I knew you would,
son. Good morning.

I've always given
in to you, Pop,

but I'm not gonna
do it this time.

If you want that inventory done,

you're gonna have to do
it yourself. You got that?

And when I come home,

I'll finish decorating the tree.

What branch would
you like your teeth on?

You take that tree
and them decorations

on outta here,

because we ain't got no money

to be spending
on no foolishness.

Anything you say, Scrooge.

Scrooge this!


Come in.

Ho, ho, ho.

I bring you the
greetings of Yuletide.

Ho, ho, ho.

Go down to the oceanside
and stand in the low tide

until the high tide
commits suicide.

You don't upset
me, Fred Sanford.

I have the feeling of Christmas.

And the face of Halloween.


What are you starting
something for, Pop?

Hi, Aunt Esther.

Listen, I'm in a hurry.

Was there anything I can
do for you before I leave?

Just put these under
your tree, sweetheart.

Aw, thanks a lot.

Hey, here's a present
here for you, Pop.

You spent money on me?

It's not the amount of money
one spends on a gift, Fred.

It's the thought behind it.

Well, what is it?

Who cares?

Lamont, if you're leaving,
I'm going with you, honey,

because your father
is getting on my nerves.

I wouldn't get
on no part of you.

You think you're
smart, Fred Sanford,

but as my
Spanish-speaking friends

would say, adios, sucker!


Listen, Esther, now,
if that's you again,

I'm gonna take your head

and use it for an ornament
on top of some tree.

I'm tired of y... Sir?

"Sir," that's me.

My name is Ronnie Small.

Oh, uh, I'm Sir.

I'd like to talk to
you about a job.

Well, who do you think I
am, one of the Kelly Girls?

Well, wait. I'll
do anything for it.

What? Yeah?

Yes, I need $10 to
buy a Christmas present

for my mother and father,

and I only have two
days till Christmas.

Anything? Yes, sir.

I'll work both days,
day and night,

for the $10.

Two days?

Yes, sir.

Uh, come on in.

Uh, let me explain

my health and
welfare plan to you.

See, everything you do is
for my health and welfare.

How's this, Mr. Sanford?

That's very good,

and you better hurry, though,
if you gonna get all this done

and get the house
painted by tomorrow night.


Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Pops. How you doing?

I'm doing fine.

Why aren't you
somewhere doing time?

Say, Pop, who is that?

Oh, that's our employee, son.

He's working for us.

He's not working for
us. He's working for you.

He's doing the
inventory, isn't he?

Among other things.

What other things?

Like... painting the house,
cleaning up the yard,

fixing the garage.

And how much are you
paying him for all this?

You're gonna love this, son.

How much?

Ten bucks.

Oh, man, 10 bucks
to paint the house

and clean up the
yard and fix the fence?

That's what I said,
Lepke, 10 bucks.

Yeah, well, how much did you pay

for his ball and his chain?

Hey, Pop, $10 is nothing.

It's nothing to you,
Mr. Rockefeller,

but for him, it means
Christmas presents

for his mother and father.

And if I like his work,
tomorrow I'll give him his $10

and a Christmas bonus.

What kind of a bonus?

Big smile and a firm handshake.

Say, well, look here, Pops,

why don't you slide
this up under your tree?

What is it?

It's a Christmas
present from me to you.

Oh, I don't want
that under my tree.

It'll set my tree
on fire, it's so hot.

Pop, what's the matter with you?

Rollo is trying to give
you a Christmas present.

I don't want his present,

and he don't need his past,

and nobody wants to
see him in the future.

Say, look here, man, why
don't you take it, Lamont?

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, brother.

Hey, Pop, what's the
matter with you, man?

I think it was nice of Rollo

to include you on
his Christmas list.

I don't want to be on his list

as long as he's
on the wanted list.

You got that kid out there
working for nothing, man,

all these hours,
doing all this stuff.

You know, you are Scrooge.

This is just like that
story, Christmas Carol.

What the Dickens
are you talking about?

I see you're familiar
with the story, huh?

Yeah, it's the story about
the true spirit of Christmas.

That's right.

It's about this guy
that worked real hard

for his old gray-haired boss

so that he could get rich
and have a Merry Christmas.

I don't want to hear
any more of this.

I'm kind of sleepy, son.

Naturally. You've
been over-resting.

Well, I'm gonna take a nap.

Why don't you have the
kid do that for you too?



Quiet, Lamont.


Shut up over there, kid!


Who is that?

Who... Who... Who are you?

ECHOING] It is me,

the Spirit of Christmas Past!

Oh, well, look here.

I'll give you... I'll give
you $3 for them chains,

and I'll give you
$2 for that outfit,

and I'll give you 30 seconds
to get out of my house.

Come with me.

Is that you, Lamont?

It is me, it isn't me.

It's today, it's yesterday.

It's all things to all
people, for I am what was.

Uh, could you
say that in English?

with me, Fred Sanford.

Uh... go with him, Fred Sanford.


Now you're wrong,
putting your hands on me.

Don't do that. Don't touch me.

Come with me.

Where are you going?

Into your past.

Perhaps another time.


Uh... This is a good time.

Follow me.

Follow me... I'm following you.

Follow me.

FRED: Where are we?

SPIRIT: Doesn't this
place look familiar?

Yeah. I've been here once.

No, I've been here a lot.

This is my house in St. Louis.

You're the spirit of St. Louis?

Who's that?

That's my mommy.



She can't hear you.

She can hear me,

but she just won't listen
because I always lied.

Fredsie, come on.


That's me. She used
to call me... Fredsie.

That's right. She's calling you.

Yes, Mother?

Did you bring back the bread?

Yes, Ma'am. I got it.

Well, where's Mommy's change?

I had to spend it.

Charlie Stone had an
old windshield wiper,

so I bought it off him,

and some day
I'll sell it for junk

and make lots of money

because that's what
the future of this country

is coming to... junk.


Really. You'll see.

I'm gonna be a millionaire
and buy you things, Mommy.

I'm gonna buy you diamond rings

and fur coats

and your own brand-new
windshield wipers.

Oh, baby.

Now, you've got
to get some sleep,

because Santa
Claus is coming tonight

and he don't want
to find you awake,

because if he does, he
won't leave you anything.



I didn't buy you
anything for Christmas.

Oh, honey, that's all right.

Mommy don't
really need anything.

Get me away from here, Spirit.

Why? Don't you like
seeing your mommy?

Yes, but I don't like seeing me.

I didn't spend all that money

on the windshield wiper.

I spent half of it on
the windshield wiper

and the other half I
bought candy with.

And you never told your mother.


And I could have
bought her a present.

Take me home, spirit.


Follow me.

Goodbye, Mommy.

Take me away from here.

Take me away from here.

Take me away from here!

Wake up.

Wake up, Fred Sanford.

Oh... I'm glad I
was only dreaming.

You know, I dreamt that...

[ECHOING] Come with me.


I've been out once tonight.

[BELLOWING] Come with me!

I'll do the driving.

No cars, Fred Sanford.

We will travel on the clouds

above the stars in the sky.

Uh-uh. I ain't smoking
none of that stuff.

Come with me!

Who are you?

I am the Spirit of
Christmas Present.

[ECHOING] Come with me.

I'm coming with you.

Follow me.

I'm following you.

Follow me.

I'm following you.

Follow... me...
I'm following you.

Follow me...

♪ Jingle bells, jingle
bells Jingle all the way ♪

♪ Oh, what fun it is to ride ♪

♪ In a one-horse Open sleigh ♪♪


Right on, right on.

Esther, you got the
best chicken-flickin'

guitar-pickin' landlord in town!


Hey, I know those laughs.

You should.

These are all your friends.


Yes, the people
that care about you

and the people
that you care about.

Who do I care about?

I don't know who I care about.

Then don't you think it's time

you started to care
about someone?


I know that laugh.

That belongs to Queen Kong.

That's Aunt Esther. Listen.

Thank you, spirit.

For what?

For saying "listen"
and not "look."


Because I can't stand

the sight of her. Quiet.

Gee, Esther, it was nice of you

to invite me over for eggnog.

It's the spirit of
Christmas, Donna...

Love for your fellow man.

That's true.

Say, are Pops and Lamont coming?

No, I didn't invite Fred.


Because he doesn't

have the Christmas spirit.

I wanted Lamont to come,
but he didn't want to come,

because he didn't want
to embarrass his father.

I would have gone,
but she didn't invite me.

I really would have gone.

Out of love, or to insult her?

Both, because I
love to insult her.

It was nice of you to buy
Fred a Christmas gift, Esther.

Especially after all the
insults he heaps on you.

Well, the Lord said
turn the other cheek.

Her cheeks look just
alike... All four of them.

You know, I don't
understand Pops.

I bet when he was a kid,

he used to send
poison-pen letters

to Santa Claus.

Oh, Fred ain't that bad, Rollo.

Why you wanna stick
up for him, Bubba?

He's always calling
you stupid, dumb,

mindless, and foolish.

I know it...

But at least he
doesn't insult me.

Hey, Bubba's right.

I'm never nice to him,

and he's always
trying to be nice to me.

ALL: To Fred G. Sanford.


Don't be nice to me.

Please, don't be nice to me.

You know, if I could
just get him to the altar,

it would be all right.

Stop being nice to me.

I don't deserve it.


Take me away from here.

I want to go, spirit.


I want to go.

Take me away.

No... I don't deserve it.

Too many dreams.

Two bad dreams.

Would you care to try for three?

Oh... Who are you?

The Spirit of Liberace?

I am the Spirit of
Christmas Future.

Uh, Christmas Present
and Christmas Past just left.

If you hurry, you
can catch them.

Come with me.

Uh, uh... I'm coming.

Follow me.

I'm following you.

Follow me.

This is your future,
Fred Sanford.

FRED: That's me? All alone?

No son, no friends?

And do you know why?

No deodorant?


No generosity, no
love, no Christmas spirit.

No kidding? No kidding.

I don't want to see no more.

Take me away from here. I
don't want to see no more.

Get me out of
here. I don't like him.

I don't like him...
I don't like him.

I don't like him.

I don't like him!

I don't like him.

You don't like who, Mr. Sanford?

Uh... him. Me.


Spirit, you shrunk!

You were dreaming, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, uh... Who told
you to stop working?

Oh, I'm sorry.

It was me that told you to
stop working, that's who.

It was me. Stop working!

Are you okay, Mr. Sanford?

Of course I'm okay,

and you're gonna have
the finest Christmas

you ever had in your life.

Here. Here's 20 bucks.

It was 10, Mr. Sanford.

It's 20. Where's
your Christmas spirit?

Are you sure you don't want
me to help with the dishes?

Nope, I'm all finished, Pop.

Hey, and thanks a lot
for my smoking jacket.

That's okay.

Hey, you know, sometimes
you amaze me, Pop.


Well, giving Ron that
$20 and telling him

he didn't have to
come back to work.

Well, it's Christmas.

Yeah, but there's just one
thing I don't understand, Pop.

What's that, son?

Well, you said that you
weren't gonna let me

have my presents
until my birthday,

and my birthday
isn't until February.

Well, just go along with it.

I know what I'm doing, son.

I know that, Pop, but, you know,

when all my friends ask me

what kind of presents
I got for Christmas,

I'm gonna feel
silly telling them

I'm not getting
them until February.

I know, but, see, I work
wonders in many ways.


Come in.

FRED: Welcome,
and Merry Christmas.

RON: Thank you, sir.

Sir? Where are you
getting that old sir stuff?

It's Fredsie.


I just wanted you
to meet my parents,

Mr. and Mrs. Small.

How are you?

Mr. Sanford, the
nicest man in the world,

and his son,
Lamont. How are you?

Hello. How are you?

Uh, have a seat, Mrs. Small.

Thank you.

Say, you know, you
have a nice son here.

He really loves you.

It was nice of you
to overpay him,

but to give him all
those gifts for all of us...

Well... Gifts?

Well, I got to leave now. Ta-ta.

Goodbye, Mr. Sanford,
and thank you.

Before you leave, uh,

what's your first
name, Mr. Small?

Bob. Robert.

Oh, well, I thought
it might be Lew,

because I see
that L on your tie.

Well, that's one of the gifts

your father sent over.

He explained to Ron
that stands for love.

That's right.

That's what Fredsie explained.

LAMONT: Fredsie said that, huh?

And these cuff links
you have here, Ron,

with L.S. on them?

I guess that was a
gift from him too, huh?

Sure was.

Uh-huh, well, of
course I'm familiar

with that L.S.

That must stand for
his famous slogan.

I'm familiar with it, but
just for the heck of it,

what's it mean again?

Oh, it's his way of
life, his philosophy.

Yes, and I loved it.

He even put it on the
box of handkerchiefs

he got for me.

See? L.S. "Love Somebody."

Merry Christmas, son.

Merry Christmas, Pop.

And remember... love somebody.

Gee, Esther, it was nice of you

to invite me over for eggnog.

It's the spirit of
Christmas, Donna...

Love for your fellow man.

That's true.

Are Lamont and Pops coming?

No, I didn't invite Fred.


Because he doesn't

have the Christmas spirit.

I wanted Lamont to come,
but he didn't want to come,

because he didn't want
to embarrass his father.

It was nice of you to buy
Fred a Christmas gift, Esther.

Here's to Fred G. Sanford.

ALL: To Fred G. Sanford!


Come in.

Merry Christmas!

Oh, Fred!

Hey, Fred!


Oh, Fred, I'm so
glad to see you.

You're a little late for
dinner and eggnog.

I am? Well, am I too late
for the Christmas carols?

ROLLO: Not until
the clock hits 12:00.


Well, then start one,
Fred. Go ahead. Yeah.

No, I don't want
to sing nothing.

Uh, A-flat.


♪ Chestnuts roasting
On an open fire ♪

♪ Jack Frost Nipping
at your nose ♪

♪ Yuletide carols
Being sung by a choir ♪

♪ And folks dressed
up Like Eskimos ♪

♪ Everybody knows ♪

♪ A turkey and some mistletoe ♪

♪ Helps to make
The season bright ♪

♪ Tiny tots With
their eyes all aglow ♪

♪ Will find it hard
To sleep tonight ♪

♪ They know That
Santa's on his way ♪

♪ He's loaded lots of toys
And goodies on his sleigh ♪

♪ And every mother's child ♪

♪ Is gonna spy ♪

♪ To see if reindeers
Really know how to fly ♪

♪ So I'm offering
This simple phrase ♪

♪ To kids from one to 92 ♪

♪ Although it's been said
Many times, many ways ♪

ALL: ♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ Merry Christmas ♪

♪ To... you... ♪♪

Merry Christmas, y'all!