Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 8 - My Kingdom for a Horse - full transcript

Fred buys a retired thoroughbred racehorse, betting on a big profit after selling him as a breeding stud.


Come on, sugar.
Come on, come on.

Come on, come on.


Good afternoon, Fred!

Good afternoon!

Go away, Esther.
I'm trying to sleep.

Fred, it's Calvin.

How's your throat?

Still a little hoarse.

Oh, yeah?

So is he.

This is General Lee.

I bought all this stuff

from Daniel L.
Perkins, who retired,

and I am here to make you

a beautiful
business proposition.

What's the proposition?

Come on, I'll show

All right.

Now, I have got a
wagonload of junk here.

You're in the junk business.

I've got junk, so
let's make a deal.

Okay, if the price is right.


I'm asking 200.

I'm answering 50.

All right, for you,

I'll go down a
little lower, 100.

Well, for you, I'll
come up a little higher...


And that's as high
as I'm gonna get.

All right, I'll take it.

$50, but that's
only for the junk,

not General Lee here.

No, for $100 you
couldn't buy this horse.

What do I want with
a horse anyway?

I don't need no horse.

Uh, let me ask you a question.


Why not the horse?

Why aren't I selling the horse?

Fred, would you sell Lamont?

How much?

No, no, I can't sell this horse.

This is a living,
breathing thing.

It's got a heart.
It's got a lung.

It's got a liver.

It's got a strong
back, all that stuff.

I'll tell you what.

I'll throw in $10 extra

for this living,
breathing, stinking horse.

Are you kidding?

Ten dollars for a thoroughbred?

Or a pet, thorough pet.

I... I heard that.

You said thoroughbred.
That's what you said.

He's a thoroughbred.

Well... So, what if I did?

How did Perkins
get a thoroughbred?

He stole him.

Stole him?

That makes you a horse thief.

No, it don't.

He stole him. I bought him.

Well, it makes you a
horse thief once removed,

and once removed,

a horse thief
gets from 10 to 20.

Yeah, well, I don't know
why anybody'd want

to buy a horse like this anyway.

I mean, what are you gonna do

with a thoroughbred racing horse

if he can't race anymore?

Yeah, that's right.

I'll give you 20 for him.



For the senior
citizen Secretariat?

20 for the horse,
50 for the wagon,

take or leave it, or lump it.

Well... Going once.

Well... Going twice.


That's your last trip
to the "well," Calvin.

Well, I'll take it.

Well, I'll go get it.

What did I tell
you, General Lee?

You can fool some of the
people some of the time,

but Fred Sanford, always.

♪ Fools rush in Where
wise men never go ♪

♪ I'm gonna buy a thoroughbred
And make a lot of dough ♪

♪ Da da da da ♪

♪ Da da ♪♪

That's the money...

He's so dumb and so
smart at the same time.

Well... Goodbye, General Lee.

Here you go, 70 bucks.

Thank you.

Take a good care of
yourself, General Lee.

Fred, please, take
care of him. Okay.

Here's his papers...
Right. And his hat.

Good. You got a real...

You got a real
bargain there, Fred.



Goodbye, Grady.

Oh, oh, oh.

You... You know,

in all the years
that I've known him,

that's the first time

we ever had a real conversation.

Whose horse is this, Fred?

He's mine, Grady.

You're looking

at a million dollar
worth of horse.

Oh, yeah? Where is it?

Behind this one?

No, Grady, this one.

Oh, this horse don't look like
he's worth anything to me, Fred.

That's because you
don't know nothing

about horses.

See, this ain't just
a junkwagon horse.

This is a racehorse.

This is a racehorse?

That's right.

Well, I'll tell you what, Fred.

You bring over the
turtle he's racing,

and I'll bet $2.00
on the turtle.

See, he ain't racing anymore.

Well, you can say that again.

He ain't racing anymore.

Say... Say, Fred,
will you please tell me

why you bought that horse?

Same reason

them millionaires
bought Secretariat

when he finished racing.

And why was that?

To make him a proud father.

I don't get it.

He will.

Come over... Come
over here, Grady,

and let me clear it up for you.

Yeah, yeah, clear
it up for me, Fred.

See, a stud racehorse,
now, that's a horse

that when he gets
finished racing,

they take him out to the farm,

and... and then they
put some mares around,

and then one night,
when the moon is mellow,

and they full of
oats, and they...

See, it's like the
birds and the bees.

Oh, yeah, now I got it...

The birds and the bees.

And every time an owner wants

to mate his mare
with Secretariat,

they've got to pay $100,000.

Good goobledy-goo.

You see, if my horse
can just get 2000, 3000,

I'd be rich.

Oh, wow.

How... How often you
think he can do that?

I figure every Saturday night...

Or early Sunday morning.


Listen, Grady, he knows
the weekend's coming.

Say, say, Fred,

did you tell Lamont about this?

No, I'm going to surprise him.

Oh, how are you
going to surprise him?

He's gonna see the horse

as soon he drives
up on the truck.

Yeah, maybe I'd better hide him.

Well... It ain't easy
to hide a horse, Fred.

Nothing's easy for you, Grady.

See, it's when you got
a nimble brain like mine

that difficult problems
become easy.

Oh. Where are you
gonna hide him, Fred?

In the kitchen.

You know that... That...
That's why you're a genius.


I never would
have thought of that.

I'd have hid him
in the bathroom.

Goodbye, Grady.

Yeah, see you later, Fred.

Better to hide him
in the bathroom...

In the kitchen...

Come on, General.

Come on, General.

Come on in here where I
can hide you from Lamont.

Easy now. Come on in.

He won't know know what
to say when he sees you.

Just come on with me,
and take your time, now.

Don't knock nothing
over. Come on with me.

There you go.

You stay... Ooh, easy now.

You stay right in here.
Right there. That's swell.


Now, wait a minute. I've
got something for you.


Uh, oops. Wait a
minute, wait a minute.

I'd better not give you this.

Sugar is fattening,

and I want you nice
and slim and trim

for your first date.


What's Lamont
doing home this early?

Wait a minute. Don't move.


Shh, shh... Shh, shh.

Hey, Pop,

what's that wagonload
of junk doing in the yard?

Well, you see,
Dan Perkins retired,

and he sold it to Calvin,
and I bought it from Calvin.

How much?

70 bucks.

$70! Are you crazy, Pop?

That isn't even worth $20,

and besides, I got
to get the truck fixed,

and we only had
about $80 in the house.

How could you spend
$70 on that junk?

Sit down, son. I got a
little surprise for you.

I don't want no surprises, Pop.

I'm starving.

I've been working all day.

I want food.

Pop, what's that horse
doing in the kitchen?

Uh... How should I
know? You saw him last.

Pop, I want an answer.

Well, that's simple.

I don't want a lie.

That makes it harder.

That's Perkins'

old horse, isn't it?

Son, let me tell you,
that is not a horse.

That's your inheritance.

See, I... I can breed him
and get $1000 a breed.

Well, we're going to
need a bigger kitchen.

No, what I mean is...

I know what you mean, Pop,

and I think it's ridiculous.

I mean, how do we even know

that that horse is
a thoroughbred?

I've got the papers.

Well, where are
we gonna find mares

to breed with him, Pop?

Are we gonna take him
on The Dating Game?

Stop trying to fight
being a millionaire.

Look, if that horse

is such a valuable thoroughbred,

how come he's
pulling a junkwagon

instead of lying
around on some farm

between dates?

Well, it's a possibility

he could've been stolen.

You mean to tell
me that horse is hot?

Hot? I hope he's a nymphomaniac.

Here you go, General, a
little after-breakfast fruit.


Good morning, son.
Did you sleep good?

No, it was... Not too good, Pop.

I was cold all night.

Seems like
somebody stole my bl...

My blanket. That's my blanket!

Well, son, I would
have used mine,

but you know the cold
is bad for my arthritis.

You... You put my
blanket on a horse?

Well, you can
get it back tonight.

Well, what about the smell?

He didn't seem to mind it.

I don't believe this, man.

I just don't believe this.

Why don't you believe it?

What's wrong

with me wanting
my horse attractive?

Well, why does he have
to look attractive, Pop?

We can always dim
the lights in his stall.

I want General Lee
here to feel sharp

so when Mr. Crenshaw
gets here, he's okay.

Crenshaw? Who is that?

Who is that?


He's the biggest horse breeder

in the southwest.


So I'm selling General Lee here.

Are you nuts?

No, really.

I'm selling General Lee,

and then I'll get me
a whole lot of money

all at once.

You think this guy
Crenshaw is going be so dumb

that he's not gonna
know this horse is stolen?

You think I don't know
nothing, don't you?

You think I got me no sense.

You think I got no brains.

Keep going. You're
still on the S's.

Listen. Let me tell you.

See, Calvin called
up a friend of his

who's an attorney,

and he said that I can't
be arrested anymore

for a horse thief

because it's past the
statue of elimination.

The what?


past the statue of
elimination, dummy.

That's the statute
of limitations.

That too.

I've got it, Fred. I've got it.

You've got it? Yeah.

Well, come on in
the house, Grady.

All right.


Wow, what a coincidence,

that looks just like
Lamont's blanket.

Hi, Lamont. What's the matter?

Can't you speak
to an old friend?

Yeah, I was just
about... I mean,

somebody that's known
you since you were a baby

comes over to your house,

and you can't even say hello?

Yeah, I was just...

Somebody who took care of
you when your father was away,

stands before you

and you can't even say hello.

I was just about...

Lamont, I don't deserve
to be insulted like that.

Hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

Say, Grady, did you
look General Lee up?

No, no, I didn't
have time, Fred.

I rushed right over
from the library.

Say, what's that book about?

This is a book about
thoroughbred horses

and all their records
and everything.

Look here.

That's General Lee, born 1959.

That's nine times seven,

goes into 38, multiply...

You know, he's 15 years old.


That would make him about
65 if he was a person, Pop.

Yeah, he's pretty
far gone, Fred.

What are you
talking about, Grady?

I'm around 65,

and I'm just in the
prime of my life.

When was the last
time you were a father?

That's none of your business...

And it's none of my business,

but it's... but it's going to
be General Lee's business.

He was some kind of a horse.

Looky here.

"General Lee, by
Confederate Lad,

out of Carolina Belle."

You hear that, Lamont?

Yeah. So what?

He won $200,000
as a three-year-old.

And you're 32

and ain't never seen $200,000.

He... He pulled up lame

in a stake race
for four-year-olds

and was retired.




I heard the "gee." "Gee" what?

"G" nothing.

That's what it has
in the description.

Does it say what it means?

No, I guess it means "girl."

Let me see.

Girl? Yeah.

Now, why would they
name a horse, a girl horse,

General Lee?

I don't know, maybe
he was in the WACs.

"G" means "gelded."

What does that mean?

It means you were right.

That horse was in the WACs?

No, Grady, it
means... that he's...

What do you mean, Fred?

It means we're
finished, and so is he.

I don't understand.

Grady, the horse has been fixed.


Yeah, see, he's fixed.

He can't have no babies.

Well, why not?

Because he had a

The poor horse.

Maybe he can adopt, Fred.

Shut up.

Hey, Pop,

Pop, how come
you didn't know that?

I don't know how to know that.

All I know is four
things about horses:

win, place, and show,
and tearing up tickets,

and neither one of those

got anything to do
with either one of these.

At least we know that
the horse is not stolen.

Perkins probably
picked that horse up

for a song.

By a soprano.

Shut up, Grady.

How did you let Calvin con
you into buying a lemon like that?

Pop, I mean, how
could you do that?

Nobody cons Fred Sanford.
I insisted on buying him.

Yeah, well, you better
insist on something,

because that guy Crenshaw
is coming over here,

and he's gonna take
one look at that horse,

and he's gonna know the
whole story behind him.

I'll change the name.

Yeah, a lot of good
that's gonna do.

He'll look at that horse, and
he'll know it's been gelded.

Well, we've got to think.

I've got an idea.

Shut up, Grady.

Yeah, that's good too.

I don't believe this.

If I live to be 357 years old,

I won't believe this.

How does he look?

Like Al Capone.

Oh... Well, perhaps
the hat is a bit much.

Yeah, yeah, the hat.

The hat should go,

because the pants look normal.

I'm trying to say...

I... I know this is stupid,

and I've done it
again and again,

and... and... and I'm just dumb.

I guess it's stupid,

but I didn't do it for me.

Oh, I know, Pop.

I did it for you.
Oh, sure, I know.

I wanted you to have
the things I never had.

Well, I'm just happy
to have the things

that he doesn't have.

Uh-huh, there's
that guy Crenshaw.

Yeah. Listen, what
you gonna tell him?

What am I gonna tell him? Yeah.

I'm gonna say, "Hi. I'm
Lamont. This is my father.

Wait till you hear this."

Oh, just... just stay
out of it. Just leave.

I'll take care of it myself.

Mr. Sanford?


John Crenshaw.

It's a pleasure.

Uh, Mr. Crenshaw,
this is my son, Lamont.

How you doing? How do you do?

The pants...

Yeah, the pants.
They're nice, aren't they?

Where did you get them?

No, I mean the horse's pants.

Oh, that's my idea.

I thought since he's
such a great racehorse,

I would just keep his legs warm.

Steady, fellow. Steady, fellow.

This horse is...

This horse is obviously
past his racing days,

Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Crenshaw, we're
not discussing racing.

We're discussing chasing.

What did you have in mind?

Well, I was gonna
sell him to a breeder.

I see, and you have the papers

to prove that he's thoroughbred?

Sure, and as soon as
we finish making our deal,

I'll go in the house
and try to find them.


What's his name?

Uh, General Lee.

General Lee?

Yeah, born in 1959.

1959, yes.


He was of Confederate
Lad out of Carolina Belle.

And that's not all he's out of.

Goodbye, inheritance.

You're trying to
sell me a gelding

for breeding
purpose, Mr. Sanford?

Gelding? A gelding?

I... I didn't know this
was a gelding horse.

I thought it was a racehorse.

Come on, Pop, the race is over.

Mr. Sanford, just...
Just how much

did you think you
could get for this horse?

Oh, 100,000, 50,000.

I'd even settle for 30,000.

Would you take 25?


No, $25.


That's right.

You see, Mr. Sanford, we
horsemen are sentimentalists.

General Lee was
a marvelous horse

in his day,

and I would rather spend
$25 to keep him in a pasture

than to see him
pulling a junkwagon.

Well, I'm a sentimentalist too,

and I wouldn't part
with him for less that 50.

Well, in that case...
Wait a minute.

How... How about 30,

and I'll throw in the pants?

That's a deal.

Come on, General
Lee. You're going home.

So long, General.

Well, at least you
got something out of it.

Yeah, I didn't do too bad.

There's one thing I
can't understand, Pop.

Why would they geld a
horse in the first place?

Well, maybe it'll
make him run faster.

How could that be?

Well, I know if they
was gonna do that to me,

I'd run faster.

How was dinner?

Hey, man, your
voice is getting better.

Yeah, I mixed some
lemon and honey.

Oh, great.

Yeah, and I mixed in some
hot buttermilk and butter...


And added some
orange juice for vitamin C

and a little onion salt
to get it all working.

How... How could you drink that?

I didn't drink it.

I rubbed it on my throat.

Oh, Pop.

Hey, how was dinner? Which one?

That one.

Oh, was this dinner?

I thought this was a
test for tongue tolerance.

Don't be smart. What
was wrong with it?

Well, everything was overcooked.

The roast was leathery,

and that's the first time

I ever ate hashed
black potatoes.

I'm sorry, son.

I just can't get poor
General Lee off my mind.

Why, Pop? What happened?

Well, I got a call
from Mr. Crenshaw.

What did he want?

Well, he said that General Lee

is doing fine.

Well, what's wrong with that?

That's good.

Yeah, and he loves
it in the new pasture,

and he seems to be very happy.

He's living with another horse.

Wait a minute.

General Lee is living
with another horse?

Yeah, General Grant.