Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 7 - Home Sweet Home - full transcript

A Japanese real estate firm wants to buy and tear down all the properties on the Sanfords' block in order to build a brewery.




FRED: This was the
worst damn weekend

I ever spent in my
whole hard-working life.

LAMONT: Let's just
not discuss it anymore.

I should have known better

than to take somebody like you

camping anyway.

Yeah, you should have.

That's right, you should've,

because I think
the great outdoors

should be locked up inside.

Yeah, Pop, but you was the one

that agreed to go.

Yeah, but I thought it'd be
like one of them Disney movies

with them cute little animals,

not a bunch of flies and gnats,

and bats and bugs
and slugs and snakes,

and that big ugly
thing that kept saying,

"Breathe deep, Pop.
You smell that air?"


Hey, Lamont! Open the door!

Hey, it's Julio.

Two days in the
woods with insects,

and here come the Spanish flea.


Hey, man, what's
happening, baby?

What's up?

I've got to tell you, man.

I've been waiting two days

for you guys to get home.

I've got some exciting
news to tell you, man.

You're going to
Puerto Rico forever.

No, man, I'm not
going to Puerto Rico,

but I might be moving.

Hey, I'm sorry
to hear that, Julio.

No, man, don't be
sorry. You're going too.

In fact, everybody on
the whole block is leaving!

Don't tell me that sewer
main backed up again.

No, no, man. It's
nothing like that.

It's good news. Let me 'splain.


Listen, Lamont,
he's going to 'splain.

Go ahead and 'splain, Julio.

You see, the last
couple of days, man,

some Japanese people
have been coming around,

talking to every property
owner on the block.

Japanese? Here?

Right, man.

They want to build a
brewery on our block!

A brewery?

Right, man,

and they want to
buy up all our houses.

Hey, and everything
I've ever heard

about the Japanese people

says that they're
loaded with money.

Well, I'm not interested.

Hey, what do you mean
you're not interested?

I'm not interested.

Look, we sell our houses,
and where are we going to live?

In Tokyo?

Hey, look, Pop, Japanese
people have a lot of money, man,

and if we could get,
say, $15,000 from them,

we could move anywhere.

You like to move so
much, well, watch me move.

I'm moving upstairs to bed.

Good night, good night.

Okay, good night, Mr. Sanford.

Have a good night's
sleep, but just remember,

the Japanese are going to be
here first thing in the morning.

I know that.


They always attack at dawn.

♪ I know I'd go From
Rags to Riches... ♪


Hey, Pop, did the
Japanese get here yet?

Look around.

Do you see any seaweed
in the living room?

Hey, what you doing?

See, when the Japanese come,

I'm gonna invite them for
tea and fortune cookies,

and I'm putting
in my own fortune.

Oh. Oh, that's
genius, Pop. It is.

Now, listen to this one here.

"You will meet a tall,
dark, handsome stranger.

Give him what he wants."

Hey, wait a minute...

It's not going to work, Pop.

It'll work.

Here's the one I know'll work.

Look... "The tea you
just drank is poison,

"so for $50,000,

you can have this
house and an antidote."

Please, Mr. Sanford,
don't do anything like that.

You're going to ruin
it for all of us, man.

How can I ruin it for all of us?

Because the Japanese put
a stipulation on the contract

that says that every
property owner has to sell,

or the deal is off.

That's right, man.

If we don't sell,
nobody gets any money.

I don't like it.

What's not to like, man?

They're paying a
whole lot of money,

and I'll tell you, for the
12,000 I'm going to get,

I'm going to do
a lot of traveling.

Wait a minute.


Right, but we're not
supposed to talk about it, but...

You hear that, Lamont?

If he can get $12,000

for that death trap
he lives in over there,

they'll think this
is the Taj Mahal.

Man, that's not a nice thing
to say about my house, man.

He doesn't mean
nothing by it, bro.

Yeah, I know, man.

Listen, why don't
you go on and leave

before the Japanese
might make a mistake

and catch you here?

Okay, Mr. Sanford. I'll
tell you one thing now,

as soon as you sign, we
all going to get our money,

so, you know, we're
in the same boat.

This is the captain speaking.

Get your poop off my deck.

I'll see you later, man.

Yeah, okay.

Hey, you know, I
think you're right, Pop.

If they give Julio $12,000
for his place, man,

we could get about
14 or 15 for ours.

Hey, it's almost 12:00
and they're not here yet.

Julio said they was gonna
be here this morning, man.

Listen, son, don't
worry, they'll be here.

It's just an old trick that
the Japanese play, see?

They say one thing
and do another.


See, there, what did I tell you?

I can tell you exactly what
that guy's gonna look like.

You can, huh?

Yeah, he'll be short,
with big thick glasses on,

and be smiling, with a big
old funny-looking moustache.

You just watch and see.

He'll have on a pretty dress

and some high-heel shoes.

Mr. Sanford?

Yeah, both of us.

Hi, I'm Lamont Sanford.

How do you do? I'm Helen Funai,

and I represent the Funai
Real Estate Company.

Oh, well, I'm Fred Sanford,

and I'm president

of, uh, Sanford's
Junky Junkyard Inc.

Won't you please come in?

Thank you.

Yes, come right in.
Sit down over here.


Uh, do you care for a
snack or anything like that?

I think I've got some
rice in the cupboard.


No, thank you.

If you don't mind,

I'd like to get right
down to business.

I'm sure you're aware by now

that my company has
been buying up property

on this block.

Oh, really?

Yes, and since you
are the last party

to come to terms,

you can understand our desire

to quickly conclude

Uh, yes, we understand.

Yes, uh, listen, you mean,

everybody else has
signed up but us?

We're the last ones left?

That is correct.

Naturally, we have
carefully appraised

your property,
however, we also realize

that there is a certain amount
of sentimental value involved.

Sentimental value...

Yes, so I think you'll agree

that we have been
quite fair in our offer.


We feel that's
reasonable, don't you?

Uh, yes, that's very reasonable.

Perhaps we should sign, father.

I think I have a
pen in the drawer.

Yes, I seem to have found one.

Here you go,
Dough... Uh, D-Deed...

Uh, Dad.

Uh, see, the Dad's
in my deed's name.

The deed's in my dad's name.

Just sign it there.


Is something wrong, Mr. Sanford?

No, just... selling this place

just breaks my
heart, and, you know,

the sentimental value and all.

Sentimental value!

Since when did you
ever have any... [THUMP]


I know how you feel, son.

Can you... can you see...
Let me explain to you.

See, $20,000 is all right,
but it just don't seem enough

to part with...
with all of this.

All right, Mr. Sanford.

I'll come back

a little later this afternoon.


Yeah, and Frank Sinatra to you.

Are you crazy!

You just said
goodbye to $20,000!

Yeah, but I'm
fixing to say hello

to a whole lot more!



You see, didn't you hear her say

that we were the
last ones to sign up?

Now, if they want all this land,

they've got to
wait till we sell.

Hey, Pop, look, I'm
warning you, man.

Japanese people are
very shrewd businessmen.

Me too, but son, listen.

We got them by the teriyaki.

Pop, what about
our neighbors, man?

All our neighbors
are depending on us

to close the deal.

Let them get their own teriyaki.

Pop, this is the opportunity

of a lifetime, man,

and you're throwing
it out the window

because you're being greedy.

Son, haven't you
learned anything at all

being my son?

Who do you think
I'm doing this for?


Yeah, you've learned something.

Hey, man, it's almost 5:00,

and she hasn't come back yet.

Well, she'll be
here. I ain't worried.

You're not worried, huh?

That's right.

I've been looking in
the real estate section.

Come over here a minute.

Look at this,
"Two-bedroom apartment.

"Decorator furnished.

Swimming pool, tennis courts."

Pop, those apartments
are for singles only.

Well, who do you think
we are? Ozzie and Harriet?


See that? What'd I tell you?

Not only 30, we can get 35,000.

Uh, hello, Miss
Funai. Please come in.

Hello. Thank you. I'll be brief.

Oh, Mr. Sanford,

my associates and I have
decided that in consideration

of your deep feelings
toward your home,

we will increase
our offer to 22,5.

22,5... What's the nickel for?

That's $22,500, Pop.

Oh, that's all right,

but I'm not interested.

Could you come back
tomorrow afternoon?

Are you crazy?

Well, I don't know, Mr. Sanford.

We are working
on a timetable, now.

Excuse me.

May I make a business call?

Oh, yeah, just take the phone

into the kitchen.

Thank you.

I hope she's ain't
calling Japan.

If she is, I'll just tack it on
to the price of the house.

Hey, Pop. Wait a minute, man.

Do you realize what
she's offering us, man?

22,5! Do you know what
we can get with that?

Yeah, 25, and if we
get 25, we can get 30.

Why not 35?

Listen, son, now,
let's be realistic.

Like, you know this yourself

that this house is
not worth 35,000...

Unless we throw in the
carpets and the draperies.

Gentlemen, I am not authorized

to make you any further offers.

However, my father, the
president of our company,

would consider it an honor

if you both would have
dinner with us this evening.

Uh, would he consider it an
honor picking up the check?


My father's only kidding.

We'd love to sup
with you this evening.

What time should we be there?

How about eight?

Eight is perfect.

And here is the
address to our house.

Okay, thank you very much.


Okay, bye-bye.

Wait a minute, what
did you do that for?

I ain't going to no
strange people's house

and sit around with
a bunch of foreigners.

Ain't nothing you can say
to make me change my mind.

A team of wild horses

couldn't get me to
change my mind.

Okay, you'll blow the 22,5.

Uh... Will you
saddle up the truck?


Mr. Sanford, Lamont,
please come in.

And trouble finding us?

Oh, no, we're familiar
with Beverly Hills.

And the hills are alive.

Gentlemen, this is
my cousin, Saburyo.

He and my great-grandfather

are visiting us from
the mother country.

They must be from Harlem.


Let's get out of here.

No, wait a minute, Pop.

Look, just relax.

Relax? How can I relax?

The last time I saw
something this big,

Tarzan was having
trouble trying to kill it.


What did he say?

Saburyo said, "It
is a great honor

to have such
distinguished guests

in our home.

Hey, did you hear that, Pop?

We're distinguished guests.


What was that?

Saburyo suggests

that, in keeping
with our customs,

will you please remove
your jackets and shoes.

Son, I think this
Saburyo might be...

Gentlemen, please,
come this way.

Wow. Boy, this is
a really nice house

you have here, Miss Funai.

So much history and everything.

Hey, this is a
Samurai sword, isn't it?

I'll bet there's a lot
of history behind that.

My great, great
uncle used that sword

to kill himself,
commit hari-kari,

over a hundred years ago.


What's so amazing
about killing yourself?

My uncle Alphonso in
St. Louis killed his self,

but you don't see me
hanging wine bottles

all around the wall.

Please... Ah,
gentlemen, gentlemen,

an honor to meet you.

I am Funai Yukio,

and this is my
noble grandfather.

Hello, Noble.

He is the founder
of our company.

What's he looking for now?

Get up now, Pop.

Shall we sit down?

Yeah, let's sit down.
Where are the chairs at?

Let me help you, Mr. Sanford.

This is sushi,

rice balls wrapped
in seaweed, and this...

is abalone dipped in soy sauce,

and this is sashimi, raw fish.

Ain't you got no
grits and gravy?

Hey, Pop, why don't you
try some of this sashimi?

No, you go ahead and try that.

I'll just eat a few
of these grapes.

Mm! That's all right.

A little slippery,
but all right.

Oh, good,
Mr. Sanford, very good.

You like the fish eyes.

Mr. Sanford, I hope
we did not offend you

by serving our traditional food.

Oh, no. No offense.

Would you care for some sake?

Hey, Pop, you're
going to like this, man.

This is sake. See,
that's rice wine,

Yeah, now you're
getting down my alley

with that wine.

Here you are.

Socky... That's
socky, all right.

Sweat socky.

Gentlemen, I would
like to propose a toast.

To a successful

and mutually beneficial
business agreement.


Lamont, they
trying to poison us.

You'll get used
to it, Mr. Sanford,

and now to business.

I have discussed your situation

with my honorable grandfather,

and he was quite impressed

with your sentimental
attachment to your home.

He is?

Yes, and we have decided,

in just compensation
for your emotional loss,

absolute top price of $27,000.

27,000... [WHISTLES]

Yeah, that's top price, but...

30,000 would be tip top.

I'll tip top you.

You're going to sign
that paper this time, Pop,

and that's all there is to it.

I'll sign it.

Do you have a pen?

I can't sign this, son.

All the nerves in
my hand is gone.

My whole hand
is numb... It hurts.

It goes all the way
around into my back.

It must have happened
when I bowed.

Oh, you have a bad
back, Mr. Sanford?

Oh, yeah,

and it goes all the
way down to my hand,

and I can't move it.

Just a moment. I
have just the solution.

An ancient technique,
frequently used in Japan.


We'll have you signing
the paper in no time.

Wait a minute!

It's... Torture!

Hold back. I know Kung Fu!

I've never... I've
never missed a show.


You really blew
it this time, Pop.

You really blew it this time.

Why'd you have to
run out like that for?

What did you expect me to do

when that big guy
comes toward me

with them two needles?

I couldn't think
of but two things:

run and fast.

Well, you can just
rest assured that

that's the last time

we're going to see those people.

Oh, you'll see them again.

See, they need this property,

and I'll betcha we can still
get $30,000 for this place.

Don't you understand, Pop?

We're not getting nothing, man.

Running out on
those people like that

was a supreme insult.

Well, I'll tell you what.

Just to show you I ain't
got no hard feelings,

I'll call them up and tell
them I'll take their last offer.

Well, maybe calling would help.

Yeah, see, calling

is the next best
thing to being there.


See that? What'd I tell you?

35,000, not 30,000.

Miss Funai, how are you?

Uh, I would like to apologize

for my father's behavior...

Oh, that's all right.
We understand.

Yes, won't you please come in

our humble home and
partake of some sofa.

Thank you.

Great-grandfather has
much he wants to say to you.

Exactly how much?



What'd he say?

He said, "Never in his lifetime

has he met a man
as great as you."

Tell him I agree
with every word.

Oh, man.


What was that?

He wants you to know

that he thinks you are a
dedicated, home-loving man,

and he respects your
great love for your home.

He wouldn't dare
ask you to leave it.

No. No, ask me.

Ask me.

I mean, tell him, ask me,

because that's the
$30,000 question.

Gentlemen, he has
made his decision.

Rather than uproot you
from your ancestral lodgings,

he has decided to
build the brewery

somewhere else.

Uproot me, man! Uproot!

Look, all my people
are buried in St. Louis!

Get to the uproot!

Oh, wait a minute!


Mr. Sanford,

as a gesture of
respect and friendship,

my great-grandfather offers you

this seashell.



Oh, I know, there's $30,000
in here somewhere, isn't there?

This is a fortune
seashell cookie.

Goodbye, gentlemen.

Wait a minute! Wait a minute!

Uproot me. I'll take less money.

I'll take 20,000!

15, and I'll throw in Lamont.
He'll be your gardener.

Give me something!

What am I gonna do with this?

It's a seashell, Pop.

Hold it up to your right ear...

and push it
through to your left.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing

with a handkerchief
up to the phone?

I didn't want to get
any germs on my face.

Well, have any of
the neighbors called

to complain about
you blowing the deal?

No, not one. Oh,
that's surprising.

I would've thought that they
would have been over here

jumping down your throat by now.

Yeah, I'd have thought that too.

Yeah, well, I'm going
upstairs and wash up,

and then I'm going to
split over to Madeline's.

Oh, that's good, son.


Uh, is this honorable Julio?


Yes, this is honorable

of the real estate...
Miss Funee.

Funee? Yeah.

Yeah, calling honorable
to tell you we, uh,

not going to buy any
property in your block

for the brewery,

and it's not Fled's flault.

No, it's not Fled's flault!



Fred, you big dumb Puerto Rican!