Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 5 - There'll Be Some Changes Made - full transcript

Lamont moves out after a fight with Fred, but Fred lures his son back by agreeing to allow Lamont's eccentric encounter group to hold its meeting in their home. This episode introduces the recurring character Ah Chew.




That dummy.

Staying out all night.

Doesn't tell nobody
where he's taking the truck.

Could have had an accident.

Could be dead.

If he ain't dead, I'll kill him.

It's my only son...
my only truck.

Hello, operator?

Give me... give me the police.


This the bureau of missing sons?

I mean, persons.

Yeah, I'm looking
for my son, Lamont.

Yeah. Yeah.


You what?

You got a guy there who
don't know who he is?

Well... well, ask
him is he Lamont.

He don't know if he's Lamont?

Does he know if he's black?

He isn't?

Well, it won't make
no difference who he is.

Hi, Pop.

Hold on just a minute.

Lamont, what are you
doing staying out all night?

What are you so
upset about, Pop?

You know where I was.

Now, didn't you find

the note I left you
on the kitchen table?

A note? I gave
it to the milkman.

You mean you didn't read it?

No. I gave it to the milkman.

He read it.

Even Elsie the Cow knows
where you're going before I do.

I'm sorry, Pop.

Yeah. You leave me here
in my solitary confinement,

What if I'd had
one of my big ones?

Then who would have
taken me to the hospital?

Pop, I... I know. The milkman.

In the back of his truck,

squeezed in between

the cottage cheese
and the prune yogurt.

I'm sorry, Pop.

I've... I've just spent
the last 12 hours

with a sensitivity group

exploring each
other's inner feelings.

Inner what?


You see, the group feels that

people don't touch
each other enough,

and that makes them uptight,

and they get high blood
pressure and ulcers.

Well, that's the dumbest
thing I ever heard of.

Now, what if I'm
walking down the street,

and I walk over to
some nice pretty girl,

and start touching her all over.

What do I tell the police?

"Officer, I'm trying
not to get an ulcer"?

No, that's not how
it works at all, Pop.

You see, everybody in the group
touches and wants to be touched.

You see, it makes us feel
like we're brothers and sisters.

Brothers and sisters touching?

They got a word for that.


Hey, Pop, it's just a
nice group of people

made up of blacks,
whites, a Chinese...

You touched a Chinaman?

Yes, Pop. Ah Chew, our
neighbor, is in the group also.

Son, why do you go around

touching all these weirdoes?

Hey, Pop, you need this group

more than I do.

I need that group?

I need that group

like President Nixon
needs a tape deck.

Hey, Pop,

you don't get along
with nobody, man.

Man, you're always arguing
and fighting with people.

I do not.

Yes, you are. You argue with me.

I do not.

You argue with Skillet.

I don't.

You argue with Leroy.

I never argue with Leroy.

Since when?

Since he stopped speaking to me.

See, we had this big argument,

and the first thing he said

was I was arguing all the time.

That figures,
because you're always

arguing and
fighting with people.

And you know why?
Because you're stubborn.

Who's stubborn?

You are.

When was the last time
you gave in to anybody?


I gave in to your mama,

and that was a big mistake.

Why? What happened?


See, "La-mont" is
French for "big mistake."

That's another thing
you're great at, Pop.

Insults. Who?

You are, you're
always insulting me.

I don't insult
anybody. Yes, you do.

I get along with anybody...

You're either insulting me,

or you're insulting my friends.

Like who?

Well, you never
stop insulting Julio.

Oh, those aren't
insults, those are facts.

And that's another thing, Pop.

You're against facts?

No, I'm against prejudice.

Judging people without
even knowing them,

for stupid reasons.

Stupid reasons?

Do you call being a Puerto Rican

a stupid reason?

That's the only thing
good about Julio.

He's got a built-in reason

for you not to like him.

What's the use, man?

You're just
naturally unfriendly.

I'm very friendly.

I just have an unfriendly
way of showing it.

Well, maybe it's about time

you started thinking

about changing your ways, Pop.

If you like somebody,
you should tell them.

Now, do you like me?


Come on, let me hear you say it.

I like you.

Do you love me?

You watch your mouth.

Do you love me?

Of course. You're my son.

Then let me hear you say it.

You're my son.

Let me hear you
say "I love you."

Come on.

You can say it.

I... I... I... I... I... I...

I want some cream in my coffee.


Anybody home?

Hey, Ah Chew. Come on in, man.

Hi, Lamont. Hi, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, grab a chair
and sit down here

and have some coffee.

You know, I was just
talking to my father

about how he can't
express his true feelings.

I can. Choo-Choo, I hate you.


You said I couldn't
express my true feelings.

That's my true feelings.

No offense, Choo-Choo.

Ah Chew.


Hey, Lamont. It's okay.

I mean, since I've
been to the group,

I can put up with anything.

You know, that was
really a great session.

The next one is
gonna be even better.

Pop's gonna sit in on that one.


Wow, that's great, Mr. Sanford.

Maybe now you'll find out

why you hate people.

I don't hate people.

Now, don't get no
rice on my clothes.

Lookit, you said
you hate people.

I'm people.

You're not my people.

Mr. Sanford,

now, you know that
that's not the truth.

I mean, way down deep inside,
we're both exactly the same.

Yeah, deep down,

but as you get
closer to the surface,

I turn black and
you turn yellow.

What is the matter with you?

Ah Chew is our neighbor,

and you know what
it says in the Bible.

Love thy neighbor.

Well, the guy who
wrote the Bible

didn't live in this

If he had, he'd have said,

"Love thy neighbor,
but locketh thy windows."

Now, shove that in
your fortune cookie...


Ah Chew!


Listen. I know that's
not your true feelings,

Mr. Sanford.

I mean, I know that,
way down, deep inside,

you really love me.

Don't you touch me, egg roll!

I'll really close
your eyes up tight.

Mr. Sanford... You're
a hopeless case.

I'll check you later, Lamont.

Ciao, Chew.

You know, you are hopeless, man.

Now, when the group
gets here next week,

I don't want you...
Wait a minute.

Hold it. Hold it.
Stop right there.

Would you
instant-replay that for me?

When what group gets here?

The group.

Every week, they have it

at a different person's house.

Next week, it's gonna be here.

Not here.

I don't want them
groupies around here,

touching and feeling.

Let them go to the
motel, like everybody else.

It's too late, Pop,

because I already told the group

that they could use my place.

Where's that?


Oh, you mean my place.

Well, this is my place too.

No, this is my place.

Your place ain't no place.

Yeah, but this is just as much
my place as it is your place.

Probably more.

How do you figure that?

Because I do
everything around here.

I do all the work
around here and you sit.

I unload the truck and you sit.

I bring the money
home and you sit.

And you can still say
this is your place? Yep.


Squatter's rights.

Yeah, well, I got rights too.

Yeah, you got a
right to be wrong,

and you are wrong,

because, listen, I
bought this place,

I paid the taxes on this place,

I put the insurance
on this place,

and if business keeps
falling off like it is,

I'm gonna burn this place.

What are you trying
to tell me, Pop?

That for the last 32 years
I've been a boarder here?

And that reminds me,

you owe me 32 years back rent.

I'll send you a check.

Where are you going?

I'm not going to stay here.
I'm moving in with Julio.

At least over there,
I'll have some respect,

some affection, and some love.

Yeah, and some roaches,
fleas, and a tropical disease.

So long, Pop.

Wait a minute, son.

You know that check
you said you were

gonna send me for the back rent?

Yeah? Forget it.

Thanks. I want cash!

I know how to get him back home.

I'll fix his favorite breakfast.

Three eggs...

one up, one over,
and one scrambled.

And his favorite cereal.

Ah, that's good. No lumps.

Just don't... Just
don't seem right

for a father to be
living in one place

and a son to be living
in another place...

unless the son is married

and the wife can't
stand the father...

then to hell with both of them.

Come and get it!

Lamont, your breakfast.

What is it?

Oatmeal on a stick.

I already had
breakfast at Julio's.

You know, at home.

No, I don't know.

Because this is your home,
and that's your hacienda.

Look, Pop, we've
been through this

every morning since I split.

Now, I don't live here
anymore. I just work here.

And if I don't live
here, I don't eat here.

Now, would you kindly come
over and help me unload the truck?


Because I got too
much stuff to do inside.

Like what?

I got to eat my breakfast.

And then?

I got to eat your breakfast.

Them damn ungrateful kids.

You raise them up,
sing them lullabies,

fix them oatmeal on a stick...

What does it mean? Nothing.

Don't you know how to
knock on people's doors?

My nephew told me I
could just walk in here.

Don't come in yet.

Wait till I cover
up all the mirrors.

Watch your mouth, Fred Sanford.

I didn't come
here to be insulted.

Tell me where you go
and I'll follow you there.

Oh, shut up, you old fool!

Who you calling a fool?

What are you doing here anyway?

I just came over to bring some
of my homemade preserves.

Well, don't get it up there
too close to your face,

because we don't
want to preserve that.

You may think
your face is a prize,

but it looks just like
a Brillo pad with eyes.

Now, where should I put this?

Watch it.

This is for Lamont.

Well, you came
to the wrong place.

Try next door over at
La Cockaroacha Hilton.

And what is that
supposed to mean?

It means that Lamont
and I had a discussion

about mine, his, and ours.

He said what's his is
mine what's mine is his.

I said, no,

what's mine is mine,
and what's his is mine.

Now, mind your own business!

I don't believe it!

You kicked your
son out of his house?

I didn't kick him out of here.

Thine own son!

Flesh of thy flesh!

Bones of thy bones!

And mouth of thy mouth.

Why don't you shut your face?

Fred, if you won't listen to me,

you could at least

heed the words
of your late wife.

She's up there right now,

looking down at all of this.

She's saying,

"Fred, you miserable, old,
snaggle-toothed jackass."


That ain't me saying it, Fred.

That's Elizabeth.

She's saying, "Fred,
you ignorant, old bum.

"How could you do
this to our little Lamont?

Call him back in the house.

I just can't do it.

You heard what she said.

You heard exactly what she said?

You beady-haired,
old pickle-eyed fool!

What more do you need?

You keep calling me them names,

I'm gonna need an alibi!

Hey, Lamont!

Come in here, son.

LAMONT: I'm not hungry.

You don't have to eat.
Just come on in here.

What's going on?

Your father will tell
you what's going on.

I don't know what's going on,

but I know what's going out.


I've had stomach cramps
that I enjoyed better than you.

Here, baby.

Thank you, Aunt Esther.

I don't know why I came
into this heathen house.

Praise the Lord!

Would you mind telling
me what's going on in here?

Well, I was talking
to your Aunt Gorilla,

and, son, it's true
that you belong here.

This is your home.

This is where you ought to be.

I want you to move back home.

Well, if I move
back in here, Pop,

it's going to be on
my own terms, man.

No more of this "my
this" and "my that."

It's going to be
share and share alike.

Yeah. Share and share alike.

What do you want first,

my arthritis or my
heart condition?

Okay, Pop. It's a deal.

Now, when the group
gets here tonight...

Now, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Just a moment.

Now, you didn't say
nothing about no group.

All right, the deal is off.

No, wait a minute. Okay, okay.

You want them groupies,
you can have the groupies,

but I just won't be here.

Well, that's up to you, Pop.

I'm going to go next door

and get my things
from Julio's house,

and bring them back to my room.

My room.

Our room.

Yeah, that's... Our room...

In my house!



Oh, hi, Salim.

Come on in.

Have I missed any
of the touching?

Yeah, but we've
saved some up for you...

How touching.

Nice place, Lamont.

Oh, it's nothing, really.

But a lot of it.

Salim, how are you?

How are you, Maureen?

Nice to see you?

What hasn't been touched yet?

My back.

Hey, can I get something
for you, Francine?

Ah, how about some sugar cubes?

I'll see if we have any.

I love you, Lamont.

I love you, Brenda.

Hey, Pop, what are you doing?

I'm just taking care
of a few details.

Like what?

Counting my silverware... 17...

You're not even
supposed to be here, man.

What are you...

I thought you were
going out tonight.

I was, but there
ain't nowhere to go.

See, The pool
room caught on fire,

and all of my buddies
went to the track without me.

Why don't you come out
there and join the group, man?

I wouldn't know what to do
after I hug that Chinese fella.

Hugging's only part of it.

Well, I sure ain't
gonna kiss him.

You don't have
to kiss him either.

Just come out there

and say and do anything
you feel like doing.



What if I feel like saying

Say it.

And what if I feel like
taking all my clothes off?

Do it. A lot of people do that.

They do? Sure.

And the chicks too?


Maybe I'll just stick
around as an observer.

Good about letting
your hostilities out.

I'm going to let out even more.

Yes, you really should.

I'm going to let it all go.

Pardon me, pal.

Please take your
hat off in my house.

Maureen, I'd like for
you to meet my father.

He's... He's going to
sit in with the group.

Oh, very nice.



I beg your pardon?


I felt like saying
it so I said it.

Oh, well...
cock-a-doodle-doo to you too.


Come on, son, don't
step on them eggs.

Well, well, well...

I think we can start now, folks.

It looks like we're all here.

Yeah, we might be all
here, but she ain't all there.

Now, when we left off
our last meeting, Francine,

you were telling us

that you were unhappy
because you're fat, right?


Now, Francine, what
you have to understand

is that people don't
care if you're fat.

We like you because you're you.

Don't we, group?

That's right.


Listen, son,

she's not going to take
her clothes off, is she?


And to prove it,

we're all going to
give you a big hug,

starting with Ah Chew.

WOMAN: Go ahead, Francine.

I love you, Ah Chew.

I love you, Francine.

I love you, Brenda.

I love you too, Francine.

I love you, mister.

Get back, fat stuff.

I don't like you.

Neither do I.


Hold it down!

[WHISTLING] Hold it!

Now, I think
you're all forgetting

what this group is about, man.

It's about good, and
honesty, and understanding.

Now, my pop was
just being honest.

And he's got a lot
of good... Like what?

Well, he's... uh...

well, you see, my pop says...

That's it, son, you tell them.

You see... He feels that...

That's it, that's it.

You rolling now.

See, my Pop has got...

Look, don't overdo it.

Why don't we
start all over again?

Now, let's start over

and show him... show
him how understanding

we can all be.

Now, now, now,

there's a lot of good
deep inside my father,

and if we all get together,
we can bring it out.

What do you say?

I don't know. It
doesn't sound good.

It's up to her.


How about it?

BRENDA: Go ahead, Francine.

Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you.

And I like you, Mr. Sanford.

And I like you too... Twiggy!

Boy, I'm bushed.

That's one thing
about the group, man,

it really wears you out.


And, Lamont... You
know your friends?

Maybe I was wrong.

They're wasn't so bad.

I'm glad you feel that way, Pop,

but what made you
change your mind?

Oh, a couple of things.

To be exact, 19 things.


Yeah. My silverware.
None of it was missing.

Come on, Pop.

And you know, that
speech you made

about understanding
me and all that?


That was nice, and
it made me feel good

to hear you say stuff
like that about me.

I meant every word of it, Pop.

They had no right
to attack you like that.

Oh, that was all right.

Because I had a speech prepared

in case things got rough.

A speech? Yeah.

Sticks and stones
may hurt my bones

but words will never hurt me.

Hey, that's good, Pop.

Call me this and call me that...

but I still say that
broad was fat!

I really appreciate
you coming over here,

helping me clean up
like this, Aunt Esther.

I'm happy to do it.

You're my favorite nephew.

Lamont, you know
I'd do anything for you.

Tell her to have her face fixed.

Hey, Pop,

didn't you learn
anything from the group?

Now, I'm sure there's
at least one thing

that you can think of good
to say about Aunt Esther.

Now, think about it, and say it.

Watch it.


Look out.

Esther, what I'm
trying to say is

that... That you're
overly generous.

Every time you
open up your mouth,

you give away your ignorance.

That did it!

Wait a second. Wait a
minute. Wait a minute.