Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 21 - The Headache - full transcript

Lamont's headache drives him to the psychologist's couch, where it is suggested the pain in Lamont's head is caused by the pain in the neck he lives with.



Are you sure, doctor?

Yes, Lillian, quite sure.

I just spoke to the hospital.

Thank you for telling
me, Dr. Woodfield.

What will you do now?

What I've always done,
smile through my tears.

Oh, Lillian, Lillian, Lillian.

Oh, doctor, doctor, doctor.

Oh, nose, nose, nose.

Would you turn that off, please?

Say, why did you do that?

I'm watching my
favorite TV show,

Death Valley Hospital.

It makes too much noise, pop.

Do you mind?

I sure feel sorry for Lillian.

I'm not kidding you.

Wednesday, she found out

that her best friend ran
away with her husband,

and Thursday, she found
out her son had been arrested

for stealing a car,

and then today, she found out
that her daughter was pregnant

and was living
with a rock group.

But she did get
some good news...

The doctor gave her
six months to live...

And that's the
same married doctor

that she's been having
the illicit affair with.

Hey, pop, if you don't mind

being a little more quiet,

see, I've got this
terrible headache.

Okay, but... I don't know

why they call these soap operas,

because they're filthy.

Look, pop, you know,
I've got a headache,

a real bad headache.

I've had it for
the last two days.


Uh-oh? What do you mean "Uh-oh"?

That's what Lillian
had last week.

All right, so I've got
six months to live.

Well, that ain't too
bad. It could be worse.

At least you're not pregnant.

Pop, would you stop

talking about this
dumb soap opera?

As a matter of fact,

just stop talking
period, all right?

Well, what did I do?

Nothing, but I've been
trying to tell you, man,

I've got a headache.

I mean, all I'm doing
is just sitting here

watching a sad TV show
and crying and enjoying myself.

Yeah, while I'm
out there all day

working my tail off on a truck.

Why don't you
clean this place up?

Look at it, it's a mess,

paper scattered
all over the floor.

I bet you last night's dishes
are still in the sink, right?



Remember, son, your headache.

I've had this
headache for two days,

I'm going in the kitchen and
take myself a headache pill.

"Pop, do you know
there's not a clean glass

in the whole kitchen?"

Hey, pop. What?

There's not a clean glass

in the whole kitchen.

I'll get you one.

Oh, never mind.

I've had this headache
for two days, man.

Well, listen, son,

maybe I can diagnose your case.


I watch Dr. Woodfield
on Death Valley Hospital

all the time, and
maybe I can help you.

Well, go ahead, I'd try anything

to get rid of this headache,

All right, then,

would you get up
on the table, Miss?

What are you talking about?

Well, see, Dr. Woodfield
is a gynecologist.

You're fooling around. I
thought you were serious.

Now, just leave me alone
and let me get some shut-eye,

and I'll probably feel better
after the pill starts working,

all right?

I'll be quiet as a mouse.

All right.

Since I had this headache, pop,

the least little noise is
magnified a hundred times,

so try and cool it, all right?

Not a sound.


I'll just start
clean up a little bit.




Oh, hiya, Fred.

Lower your voice.

Hiya, Fred.

Come on.

Come on in the kitchen.

Hi, Lamont.

Shh, he's trying
to get some sleep.

He's had this
headache for two days.



What do you mean "Uh-oh"?

Well, you remember,

in Death Valley Hospital,

when Lillian got a headache,

and her doctor told her

that she only has
six months to live?

Oh, that's just something
they tell them silly people

so they'll tune in the next day.

Oh, that's...
You're right, Fred.

Yeah. Let's wake Lamont up.

But why?

Because if he only
got six months to live,

it seems a shame
wasting them sleeping.

Go ahead, you wake him up,
and I'll stand here behind you.

No, no, no, no, no, Fred.

No, no, he... he
might get mad at me,

so you wake him up.

Well, he's already mad at me,

so you wake him up,
and I'll be right here.


He looks so cute.

I just can't resist.

Coochie, coochie, coo.

Grady, what are you doing?
Just leave me alone, all right?

I've got a headache. Let
me get some rest over here.

Oh, oh, I'm sorry.

I'll go fix you a nice
cup of hot tea, Lamont.

Yeah, you do that.

Yeah, son, and
I'll call a doctor.

Hey, pop, forget it, man.

Doctors don't make house calls.

They will if it's an emergency.

A headache is not an emergency.

Not an emergency?
Well, what else is it?

If you've got a headache,
you can't go to work.

You can't go to work,
you can't make no money.

You can't make no
money, I can't eat.

If I can't eat,

my stomach's
on the critical list.

All right, just do
to suit yourself.

You know,

maybe if ate
something, I'd feel better.

Yeah, well, there's
one piece of roast beef

there in the kitchen

that's left over
from last night.

Good goodoligoo, this
roast beef's real good.

Hello, is this
Emergency Service?

This is Fred Sanford.

S-A-N-F-O-R-D... Period.

Yes, I've got to get a doctor

out here right away

to 9114 South Central Avenue.

Yeah. Who?

It's my son.

His head is killing him.

How old?

Uh... he's two.

Thank you, Miss.


Pop, why did you tell that
woman I was two years old for?

Because they
move a little faster

when it's for a kid.

I don't know, Fred,
today is Wednesday,

and that doctor might be

out there on the golf
course somewhere.

No, this ain't one

of them high-falooting

Beverly Hills doctors.

Well, where is he?

He's at the bowling alley.

Mr. Sanford?

Yeah, doc, you sure
got here in a hurry.

Well, luckily, I was
in the neighborhood.

Where's the baby?

Right over there.

How long has he
had the moustache?

Since he was one.

Pretty big for two
years old, isn't he?

Yeah, I used to give
him that kind of bread

that helps you grow eight ways.


What difference does it
make how old he is, anyway?

Oh, it makes quite a
difference. I'm a pediatrician.

Oh, I'm Methodist myself.

Hey, I'm terribly sorry

about the mix-up, doctor.

Well, as long as I'm here,

maybe I can help.

I hope so.

Now... Where does
it hurt, little fella?

No, I've just got a headache.

Well, let's have a look.

Maybe you can give him a pill.

Um, perhaps.

Would you hold this, please?


You're lucky you don't
have to take two of these.

I'll get you a bucket of water.

Take a deep breath.


Once more.

It's all right.

All right, let's
have a look inside.

Open the garage wide.

Say "Ah."

All right, tiger,

go upstairs while
I talk to daddy.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

Now, would you
stop all this nonsense.

I'm a grown man,

and you don't
have to tell nothing

to my daddy.

You can tell me,

and before you close that bag,

let me have a few
of them lollipops.

What do you think, doc?

Well, everything
appears to be normal,

physically that is.

What is that supposed to mean?

Well, headaches can be caused

by stress situations.

Um, I'm a great believer
in psychosomatic illness.

Hey, doc, maybe...
maybe you could help me,

maybe you could
help me a little bit.

I've been having
a little trouble.

See, I've been having
them baby heart attacks.

Well, you need a
baby heart specialist.

Here's my bill.

Hey, Doc, oh,
Doc, wait a minute.

You forgot something.


Hi, Fred.

Hi, Fred.


I said, hi, Fred.


I mean, was that wrong?

I mean, I... I came over,
and so I said "Hi" and "Fred,"

referring to "Hello" and "You,"

as opposed to
"Bye" and "Delores."

What are you talking about?

Well, I'm talking
about a person arriving

in another person's yard

and greeting that
person with the word "Hi"

followed by his
first name, to wit,

hi, Fred.

Hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Fred.

Say, Fred, how's Lamont?

He's not doing too good.

He's at the clinic now.

Oh, wow, that's been going on

for two weeks.

You'd think he'd
be better by now.

Who's he seeing today?

He's seeing a psychiatrist,

and for goodness sake, Grady,

don't say nothing to nobody.

Oh, Fred, now, wait a minute,

you know I wouldn't
say anything,

but that's nothing
to be ashamed of.

We're all modern people,

and we know that just
because you see a psychiatrist,

that doesn't mean
that you're crazy.

That's right.

Yeah. Anyway, I'll see
you a little later, Fred,

and when Lamont comes home,

tell him that I said,
"Hiya, koo-koo."

You big dummy.

All right, Lamont. I
think I see a pattern here.

Oh, yeah, what... what is it?

You've never felt comfortable
lying on that couch, have you?

No, no, no, doctor, not really.

Why? Is it my approach?

No, it's your cologne.

I see something
that I'd like to go with.

Oh, you found a cure
for my headache?

No, not a cure, I found a cause,

and that's the first step.

You know, find a
cause, cure the cause,

then the headache
would cure itself.

Oh, great, okay, lay it on me.

What is it?

Well, a pathological patrophobia

resulting in repressed
psychogenic malaise.

And what does that mean?

You hate your father.


I hate my father?

No, that's dumb.

Hi, son. I thought
I heard the truck.

Hey, pop, I love you.

Huh? I love you.

Hey, you'd better
come on in the house

and lie down.

You might have a
touch of that fever.

No, no, there's
nothing wrong with me.

You all right?

I'm fine, pop.

Oh, I'll tell you.

Hey, how come you got the couch

made up like a bed?

Well, I thought
when you got home,

you'd be too sick
to go upstairs.

Of course you did.

That's another thing
I love about you, pop,

the concern that
you feel for me.

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you.

Say, what... what's happening?

You act like you've been
hit by the sugar truck.

There's nothing
wrong with me, pop.

Look at this. I feel great.

You know, I went
down to the doctor,

and he gave me
a new lease on life.

I feel fab... Look
at this, look at this.

Tennis, anyone? Huh?

Well, what else
did the doctor say?

I don't want to talk about it.

I've got a headache.


All right, Mrs. Nealy,
continue, please.

I can't say it. I'm so ashamed.

Well, of course you can say
it. We're so close to an answer.

Go on, please.

Look, tell me,
what I say to you,

is it going to be in the
strictest of confidence?

It's in the strictest
of confidence.

This room is our
kingdom of privacy

where we can say and discuss

our innermost
thoughts and secrets.

All right, then. Okay?

All right, I'll say it.

All right. Good.

The reason I don't
love my husband is...

Yes? Is... I love you.

Mrs. Nealy... That's nice, lady.

Now get the hell out of here.

Mrs. Nealy, you
don't have to go now.

You don't have to go. Mrs.
Nealy, come back, Mrs...

Do you know what
you've just done?

I'm sorry, doc,

but my son is more
important to me

than that lady.

She was almost
at a breakthrough.

Break through this.

Now, who are you?

I'm Fred G. Sanford,

and they told me downstairs

that you're the doctor
who talked to my son.

Oh, yes, yes, yes.

Yes, yes, I did.

Well, what did
you tell him, doc?

Exactly what do you mean?

I mean, my son
came home acting...

He was... Well,
exactly what did he say?

He said, "I love you,

I love you, I love you,

I love you, I love you."

Oh, Mr. Sanford.


Well, perhaps if
I got to know you

a little better,

then perhaps I
could help your son.

Why don't you lie
down on the couch.


I... I don't think I want
to know you that well.

Mr. Sanford, just lie
down on the couch.

Now, see, I help people

by getting them to relax

and say exactly
what's on their mind.

Now, go ahead, lie
down on the couch.


Now, I know this might seem
a little bit strange to you...


But we have a way of
getting people to relax

by playing a word game.

Oh, we're going to play a game?


I love games.

Did you you ever play

"Pin the mule's tail
on Esther's face"?

I'll say a word, and
you say the first thing

that comes into
your mind, all right?

Okay, doc.

Okay. Esther.


Uh... telephone.





Where? No.

Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, no.

I... I think that we should
play something else.

I think we should...

Let's see. Let's
try some ink spots.

Ink Spots? Yes.

Oh, sure.

♪ And would I be sure ♪

♪ That this is love
Beyond compare ♪

Mr. Sanford.

Mr. Sanford, I think...
Mr. Sanford, please...

♪ Would all this... ♪

I think we should
dispense the game

♪ Be true ♪

♪ If I didn't care... ♪

Mr. Sanford! Would you
lie down on the couch!

Mr. Sanford, please
lie down on the couch.

You asked for the
Ink Spots, didn't you?

Yes, I did ask... Don't hold...

I'm sorry, mister.

Would you lie down?

Just watch yourself,
Doc. I don't play that.

Would you try to relax?

Uncross your legs.


Are you relaxed?

Yeah, doc, listen,

let me tell you, what is
causing all my son's headaches?

Well, first of all,

your son does not want
to admit the first thing

that's causing the headaches.

Well, what is it?

He hates you.

My... Son... Hates... You.

Hey, let's go back to
that word game again.

All right.

All right? Fist.

Oh, wait, no.

Mr. Sanford... Nose.
Behave yourself.

Right now. Cool it, now.


He hates me.

My own son hates me.

After I gave him the
best years of my life.

Now I ain't got nobody
who cares for me.

You still got me, Fred.

Years ago, when
he was just a baby...


And he would cry,
and I'd tell his mother,

I'd say, "Elizabeth, get
up and feed that boy."


I was a good father to him.

And another time, he screamed...

He screamed... and
I... I almost broke my leg

getting Elizabeth out of the bed

to see what was wrong.

I've been a good father to him.

Where did I go wrong, Grady?

Well, you've made
a few mistakes, Fred.

Tell me, tell me, Grady.

No, you see,

because you're not
gonna like anything I say.

Well, it's okay, just tell me.

Well, first of all,
Fred, you see,

Lamont loves you.

He respects you,
and he's a good son.

He works hard, but
on the other hand,

I mean, you just
don't treat him right.

I mean, you're always
grouching and complaining.

You can't cook.

You keep the house messy,

and... and you...
Fred, you're rotten.

Fred, I mean, just deep down,

low-down rotten to the core.

Now, Fred, take it from
a friend who knows.

And you take this from an enemy.

Oh, see, I told you
you wasn't gonna like it.

Oh, hi, Grady.

Oh, hi, Lamont.

How you doing, pop?

Hey, my handsome son.
How... how you doing?

Oh, fine, just fine.

Listen, I was just telling Grady
how... how much I worry about you.

Well, how about a
hot cup of coffee?

Great, I'll get it.

No, no, no, no,

you don't have
to go get nothing.

I'll get anything you want.

Grady, get Lamont
a cup of coffee.

Son, sit right down and relax,

because you've been
working hard all morning.

I know you must be exhausted.

Well, I am kind of tired.

Hey, listen, after
we have this coffee,

I'll fix you a nice hot bath

so the windows can steam all up

and you can write
some dirty words on them

like you did when you was kid.

Uh, no, thanks, pop,

I'll just take a shower later on

and go to bed early.

Well, I hope not too early,

because I've got a
great dinner planned too.

Yeah, I've got
prime rib of sparerib

and coleslaw and
canned sweet potatoes...


And... and guess what
we're having for dessert.

What? Cracker Jacks.

And you can have
the prize this time.

Well, that's great.
It's real nice, pop.

It sounds like a good dinner.
You need any help with it?

Oh, no, no, I want you to see

that I did everything
that you need done.

I'll have it done
myself. I'll do it.

Grady, get dinner started.

Oh, yeah. Here's
your coffee, Lamont.

Thanks a lot, Grady.

All right.

Hey, listen,

after... after we finish dinner,

we can sit here and watch TV

while Grady does the dishes.


Just me and you sitting here,

father-son togetherness.

Yeah, it sounds great.

Excuse me, you two,

but I've got to run
down to the supermarket

and get something extra
special for dinner tonight,

and, you know,

I just really enjoy
being a father to Lamont.

And, Lamont, I hope
you don't hate me

as much as you hate
your present father.



Hey, Pop.


You went down to that doctor,

and he told you everything
he told me, didn't he?

Don't hate me, though,
son. Please, don't hate me.

I mean, you can
hate me if it helps you,

but don't "Hate me" hate me.

Uh, you know what I mean?
I don't know what I mean.

Pop, I don't hate
you, I love you.

But I want you to hate me

if it'll help your headache,

and I know you won't
hate me when you hate me

but you'll just be hating
me to help your headache,

and if you just try it,
it might good for you,

so hate me.

Would you just
stop it. This is silly.

No, it's not silly if
you say you hate me,

as long as you do.

Just say you hate me.

Well... Say, "I hate you,"

and I'll know you don't hate me,

but your head will feel better.

Look, I'm not gonna
say I hate you,

because I don't
hate you, I love you.

Now, I don't want to
talk about it anymore.

Now why don't you
just clean up this place?

Say you hate me.

I'm not gonna say it.

Now why don't you clean
up this place? It's a mess.

I can't stand it
messy like this.

I come home from work,
I've been working hard all day,

and I walk in here,
and this place is messy.

There's newspapers
all over the floor.

The sink is full of dishes,
and you know something else?

When I come in here and
find that soap opera on,

boy, that really makes me
had, because I cannot stand...


Hey, wait a minute,
Huh? Wait a minute.

No, that's... that's not right.

I love you, but...

My headache is gone.

Huh? It's gone.

My headache is gone.

You hate me.

No, no, I don't hate you.

Don't you understand, pop?

I don't hate you, I love you.

It's just that I don't like

certain things that you do,

and I had all of that

bottled up inside of me.

Oh, son, I'm so happy.

Now I know what
happened to Lillian.

Lillian... Lillian
isn't gonna die.

Dr. Woodfield is
gonna save her life.

He'll pull her through.

Listen, you get this
house cleaned up,

because it's time
for the show now.

Oh, I'm not gonna sit up there

and watch this show... [ARGUING]



Boy... Something
sure smells good.

Morning, son.

Excuse me, I've got to
get upstairs to the beds.

Oh, hey,

you fixed breakfast,
and it smells great,

and you've been down here

and straightened up
the living room already?

That's right, son,
that's what you like,

and so I want to make you happy.

Now, let me get to this bed.

No, wait a minute, pop.

Why don't you stay down here

and have breakfast with me, man.

You don't have to
make up the beds now.

I'm not gonna lay
down again till tonight.

Well, you're not, but I am.

That's why I'm going
to get to the beds,

because, see, this cleaning,

and dusting and cooking,

it's gotten my head aching.

Well... well, why
don't you stop?

Because if I stop, then
you'd have a headache.

Say, Fred,

I've finished
cleaning and cooking

and dusting.

Anything else you want
me to do for Lamont?

FRED: Tune in next week

for the further adventures
of Sanford & Son.

Will Lamont leave home?

Will Fred clean up the house?

LAMONT: Will you be quiet!

FRED: Oh, Lamont,
Lamont, Lamont.

LAMONT: Oh, Pop, Pop, Pop.