Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 18 - The Masquerade Party - full transcript

In this spoof of "Let's Make a Deal," Fred, Grady and Bubba appear as contestants on "Wheel and Deal," hoping to win a new car as a birthday present for Lamont.


Gas bill...

Light bill... light bill...

telephone bill... light bill...

telephone bill...


This is from the Stinemet's
Collection Agency.

"Dear sir,

"Your overdue account
has been referred to us

"by several companies.


you have been
throwing your bills away."


Oh, my goodness.

Gee whiz, I must have
overlooked these bills.

I have to take care
of them right away.

Oh, Grady.

Hi, Fred.

I... I see it's the first
of the month again.



Well, are you ready?

Ready for what?

Ready to watch Wheel and Deal.

You invited me over, remember?

And I even went

and got little refreshments.

I got some red and some white.

Here's some red...
and some popcorn.

Yeah, well, turn on the TV.

Grady, maybe... Okay.

Maybe it will help cheer me up.



Hi, hello, and good
afternoon, everybody.

Hi, hello, and good afternoon.

Welcome to Wheel and Deal...

Television's most exciting
and unusual quiz program.

Most exciting and unusual.

The program that
picks its contestants

right out the studio audience

and gives them a chance to win

the most expensive
prizes in the world.

In the world,
Fred, in the world.

Who's going to win the
quadraphonic stereo?


Who's gonna win the speed boat?


Who's gonna win
that trip to Italy?


Who, Fred, who?

Who? Who?

Not you, owl face.

And here's the man
that knows who...

Here's your host, Harry Monte.

Hi, Harry.

Goodbye, Harry.

What did you do that for, Fred?

Because that show
is a drag, that's why.

Well, it doesn't bother me.

I... Give me the wine.

I go home every night

and dream that I've
won me a speed boat,

and I'm going down the
river with the speed boat

and the stereo playing,

on my way to Rome or Italy.

Grady, Rome is in Italy.


Well, now is the time to go.

See, they're both
in the same place.

Listen, Grady, tomorrow
is Lamont's birthday,

and I don't want to hear nothing

about all them
presents like that,

because I want to get
him something nice,

you know what I mean?

Well, Fred, what
about two years ago,

when you registered
his name at 31 Flavors,

and they gave him
a free tutti-fruity.

Now, that was nice.

What you say, Fred?

Hey, Grady.

Hey, Bubba.

Hey, man, why the long face?

Fred is worried, Bubba,

that he can't get Lamont
something nice for his birthday.

What happened? Did
they run out of tutti-fruity?

Listen, Bubba, would
you do me a favor?

Yeah, anything, Fred.

Listen, I got a
turkey in the oven.


Lay down next to it.

Oh, Fred.

We... we're missing
Wheel and Deal.

It's almost over now.

Oh, forget about that.

Hey, if you want
to see that show,

I can get you tickets.

Shut up, Bubba. Now,
don't you know Fred by now?

If he doesn't want to sit here

and watch it on the television,

you know he doesn't
want to go down there

and watch it in person.

Now, just use your head, Bubba.


Bubba, I think I want
to go down there.

Now, that's using your head.

See, I could go down there

and win some
presents for Lamont.

My cousin was supposed to go,
but her baby is due anytime now.

We can use her tickets.
They're good tomorrow night.

Hey, that'd be perfect, Bubba.

We could go on down there,

and the three of
use could go down,

and anything we win,

we can give it to Lamont
for his birthday present.

Yeah. Oh, oh.

Oh, Fred, I can't go.

Hmm? I don't have a costume.

Hey, Grady's right, Fred.

You know, if we
want to be picked,

we're gonna have to be dressed

in something real
crazy and weird.

Well... you're ready.

Wow. I... I just
can't believe it.

We're gonna go down
there to Wheel and Deal,

and... and when
we get down there,

I'm gonna ask for a speed
boat, and a refrigerator,

and a trip to Italy,

where I can sit
with my spaghetti

and "pasta" time away.

Listen, now...

here's one thing we've got to
get straight, though, Grady...

Whatever we win is for Lamont.

Oh, but, Fred, I
wanted to go to Rome

so I could be with
Gina under the "Brigida."


Hey, listen, that's
Lamont coming now.

Now, don't you say
nothing about this.

We're gonna keep it a
secret from him, hear?

Okay. Hey, I'll tell you
what we're gonna do.

We're gonna sneak out the back,

and we'll meet you
down at the costume place

over on Melrose, okay?

Okay, that's a good
idea. All right, come on.

Come on.

What's happening, Pop?

Hey, son.

What's happening, Pops?

World War III.

World War III?

Yeah, why else would
they let out of jail?

Hey, man, lighten
up on Rollo, Pop.

He's been helping me all day

to arrange things

for my birthday party, man,

and I'd appreciate
it... Birthday?

No kidding? It's your birthday?

Well, I'll be doggone.

You're having a birthday.

Come on, man, you know
tomorrow's my birthday, Pop,

and remember, you promised

that you was gonna
bring the decorations

and the food and the liquor.

Your birthday?

My, how time flies.

Seems like only last
year it was your birthday.

It fell on your birthday.

♪ It's my birthday
party And I... ♪♪

No decorations.

Ain't no booze.

Ain't no food.

What kind of party
is this gonna be?


Hey, Pop, would you get in here?

Ain't no decorations,

ain't no booze, ain't no food.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, Lamont!

Right on, dude!

Oh, Lamont, you
look so handsome.

Thank you, Aunt Esther.

Hey, Lamont. Huh?

I would like for you to
meet Brenda, my man.



Hello, Lamont.


Say, man, where's all
the party decorations?

And where's your old man?


Huh? Uh, he... Can I
get anybody anything?

Oh, sure. I'm starved.

I'd give anything, anything

for an hors
d'oeuvre and a drink.

I'll kill him.

Hi and hello, everybody.
This is Johnny Jacobs.

Welcome to Wheel and Deal.

Now, here's the biggest wheeler
and the dealer of them all...

Harry Monte.

Hi, everybody.

Hi. Hi.

Madam, that's a
beautiful hairdo.

Why, thank you.

I'll give you
$200 if it's a wig.

You will?

I won, I won.

Here's your $200.

Congratulations. Thank you.

My, my,

what a good-looking group
we've got to trade with today.

"Look here, Harry."

You, Sir, would you
stand up, please,

and give us your name?

My name is Leif
Erickson, and I'm a Viking.

Okay, Viking, look.

You see what I have
in my hand here?

Two, three, four,

five brand-new 100-dollar bills.

Of course I see it.

Why do you think I'm
standing here drooling?

And I'll give them all to you
if you have a tube of lipstick.

A tube of lipstick?

What would I do
with a tube of lipstick?

Man, I'm a Vi-king,
not a Vi-queen.

I'm sorry.

Wait a minute, Harry.

How about a bra?

I've got one of those.



The guy down at
the costume place

told me to wear this
underneath all this brass,

or else it would
turn my chest green.

I'm sorry, Viking,

and you're hurting my wrist.

Well, wait a minute now, Harry,

wait a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute, I
gotta win something.

Come on, now.

Look, my buddies
must have gotten lost

or something,

but they should be
here most any time now.

Look, Viking, I'll
give you $1.00

if you put your bra
back on and sit down.


Fred, up here!

Well, well... What...

What lovely young
couple did we pick here?

Well, hi, Harry.
I... I'm Cinderella.

♪ Sala ca do la Misa ca bo la ♪

♪ Bibbity, bobbity, boo ♪♪

And I'm a blond, and
if you touch my wand,

I'll give you a big kiss.

And who are you?

I'm Fred G. Sanford,
and the "G" is for "Gorilla."

Are you comfortable
in that thing?

Are you kidding? Comfortable?

You ever tried to go to the
bathroom in an ape suite?

Now I know why Tarzan
said, "Aah, ooh, aah!"

Hey, Lamont, hey, man,
I'm a gonna go outside

and see if there's a mushroom
up over this house, man,

because this is a bomb party.

Yeah, you're right, Rollo.

There's no food, no
liquor, no decorations.

No chopsticks, man.

And it's all my father's fault.


Oh, that's him now, I'll bet.

He's in a cab too.

Oh, no it's not, it's
Dap Sugar Willie.

Hey, baby, what's happening?

You? Give me five.

Take it back.

My man.

Hey, everybody.

Don't get up.

Hey, Dap Sugar, I
want you to meet...

No names.

No names, please.

If this party turned out to be
as good as I think it should,

I want to be able
to tell the man

I don't know nobody.

Well, you got it, stranger.

That's cool.

Hey, man, show me
where the food's at.

I'm starved.

Ain't no food at this party.

You've got to be kidding.

You joking?

No food?

Lamont, not even a cookie?

Okay, fellows, let's
play Wheel and Deal.

I have here for you,
Fred, a large box.

Forget the box.
I'll take the girl.

Now... now, Fred, you remember,

this is for Lamont.

Oh, yeah, for Lamont.


Well, I'll take her
Sundays and weekends.

Now, I won't tell you, Fred,

what's inside the box,

but the clue is
"Fun every night."

The clue just walked off.

Now, Fred, you can keep

what's inside the box,

or you can wheel and deal

for what's behind
curtain number one,

and that clue is "air."

It's up to you, Fred.

Air, air, and curtain,

curtain and air and...
Take the curtain.

Take the curtain.

Take the box.

Take the curtain. The box.

Take the curtain. The box.

Would you sit down?

Put your wig on.

Air and curtain.

No, it's air balloon.

Ba... balloon, breath,
breath, bad breath.

A year's supply of mouthwash.

No, no, no, no, no, no, Fred,

take... you take
the box, the box.

You're sure, Grady?

I'm positive,
Fred. It's the box.

The box, I'll take the box.

The box is yours, but
before you show you

what you've got in the box,

let's see... what
you turned down

behind curtain number one.

A brand-new convertible!

No! Grady, you big dummy!

You told me to take that box,

and look what's
behind the curtain,

a convertible.

Lamont would have liked that.

I can see him now,

parked up there
on Mulholland Drive

with a pretty girl,
and kissing her.

Then if it got cloudy,

he could put the top up

so it couldn't rain
on his parade.

I'm so sorry,
Fred, I... I'm sorry.

Dumb blond, you.

Now, Fred, let's
see what you've won

in the box.


Grady, you wait
till I get you home...

A color television set.

I'm gonna give you a big hug.

I won a color
television. Whoo! Yeah!

I've got a great
big television set.


I won a 21-inch
color television set.

Now I can see
life as it really is.

Now I can see what
color the Waltons are.

Oh, come on, Grady,
help me carry this home.

Hey, hold it, Fred,
it's not over yet.

It's time now

for your big "wheel and deal."

Huh? Now, you can keep

the 21-inch color
television set,

or you can trade it in

for what's behind
curtain number two.

It's up to you, Fred G. Sanford.

Uh... yeah, it's up to me.

The curtain. Keep the TV.

Uh... TV, TV?


TV and curtain.

Uh... listen, I...
I should keep...

I was gonna take that curtain,

because it could be
something behind that curtain.

Yeah, yeah.

See, and Lamont likes TV,

but he don't watch
it as much as I do.

I already got a TV,

but I might wind up
with nothing, Grady.

Let's see...

TV and the curtain. No, no, no.

Fred, Fred, Fred,
you... you... you...

You... you take the TV,
because that... that...

That's what you
wanted your whole life.

My whole life,

I ain't even lived my
whole life yet, Grady,

and besides, I've got
to get something nice

for Lamont.

Hey, Grady... TV
and the curtain.


Listen, what... what's
behind that curtain there?

I can't tell you that.

Tell me what?

You what?

I can't tell you that.

What are you, a bigot?

It's up to you,

and there's only
one way to find out.


The box or the curtain?

Well, I ain't... I ain't
taking no chances.

Hold it, hold it, you
can't go down there.

No, no, wait a minute.

You can't... You
can't... Hey, wait up!

Hey, you can't do that!

Open these curtains.

Stop that!

Hey, Grady, hey,
Bubba, look what I won!

A watch, a diamond watch.

Come here and look at it.

I won a diamond watch,

and for myself, I
won these curtains.

Come on, help me take them home.

I've got a diamond watch.



Lamont, why don't we dance on

over to the light switch?

I want to give you
my own present.

Uh, no, you keep
the present, Brenda.

I don't want it.


Because I want the
package that it comes in.


I... I didn't know that was you.

I thought I was
dancing with a tree.

Hey, Fred, Fred,

will you please turn
that light off again.

Lamont's a wonderful dancer.

Grady, don't touch me
with that wand no more.

Hey, pops, what's
happening, Jack?

Hey, listen here, Rollo,
ain't it kind of late for you?

You're gonna miss bed
check at the detention farm.


Fred Sanford, you
sure got some nerve.

Wait a minute, Esther.

Hey, everybody, look, don't
we make a nice couple...

King Kong and the
bride of Frankenstein.

Are you through?

No, son, I'm not through yet,

not until I tell you

what happened to us today.

I'm not interested.

Not interested? I'm
not interested, man.

We were having a good time

till you came barging in here.

We're still having a good
time, and everybody's happy,

and Esther's smiling,

on... only you can't tell it,

because her
face is in front of it.

I don't want to hear
any more of this, okay?

See, see, son,
Grady and Bubba...

I said I don't want
to hear about it.

No, but, see, we went
down to this TV sta...

I don't care about
it. Would you stop it?

Now, just stop it, man.

You just couldn't let me have

one day out of the year

to get attention for myself.

You had to spoil it.

You didn't even do what you said

you was going to do, Pop.

But, son...

I don't want to
hear nothing, man.

You spoiled my birthday.

I didn't mean...

And now look what happened.
Everybody's leaving, man.

Ain't nobody left at my party.


What have you got
to say about that?

Well... Here's your present.

I don't want it. You keep it.

Where... where did I
go wrong, Cinderella?

I ruined my son's
most important day,

and I don't know what to do.

Cinderella, can I
borrow your slipper?

What you gonna
do with that, Fred?

I'm gonna drink out of it.

If that don't kill
me, nothing will.

I'm all alone now.

It's all my fault.

Elizabeth, I'm coming
to join you, honey.

I messed up my son's
most important day.

I failed him.

Lamont, it's you.

Hi, Pop. Sit down, man.

I want to talk to you
about something.

Yeah, I know. You're leaving.


All I want to do

is just ask you just to send
a few bucks to the caretakers

so they can keep the
pigeons off my tombstone.

Look, Pop,

I found the present
that you gave me,

and I opened it.

You found it? Yeah.

And after you fell asleep,

Grady called me and told
me why you did what you did.

Cinderella did that?


Well, I don't know

why Grady don't
mind his own business.

Look, and I apologize, Pop.

I really feel awful, man.

That's okay, son. I forgive you.

You know what? What?

You're a pretty
mellow old dude, man.

I'm lucky to have
a father like you.

You mean that? Yeah.

You mean, like... like...

Like Ozzie was to Ricky?



Well, listen, let me see

how that watch looks on you.

Oh, uh... I sold the watch, Pop.

You sold my present?

Yeah, man,

a diamond watch is
too fancy for me, see,

so I sold it and I
got a cheaper one.

Plus, I had a few
bucks left over.

A few? Mm-hmm.

A few?

You must've had enough
money left over to buy a...

A new present for you?

A present... a present for me?


That's my present? Yeah.

Oh, you didn't have
to get me nothing.

What is it? Let me see that.

It's a remote-control switch

for a brand-new
color television.

Hey, son, this is really nice,

but what good is it
without the television?

This would be like giving
Head and Shoulders

to Isaac Hayes.

Stay tuned for the second
half of Love of Living.

Go inside and take a look, Pop.

Huh? What?

No, you didn't.

You didn't give me
a color television?


Oh, son, I don't know...

I don't know what to say,

only that you're
blocking the picture.

Oh, wow, look at
that color television.

Hey, look, hit that
button over there,

and that changes the stations.


Hello, Lucy.

Hello, Jolly Green Giant.

Goodbye, Ty-D-Bol.

And press that
other button, Pop,

and that turns it on and off.


Oh, son,

I'm gonna try to be a
better father for you, son.

I mean it, and I'm even gonna
invite Aunt Esther over there

to watch TV with me.


Yeah, and then,

I'm gonna click this in
her... Right in her face,

and see if I can
change the way it looks.