Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 16 - The Stand-In - full transcript

The Sanfords welcome Fred's buddies Bow Legs and Al, who are bringing their song, dance and comedy act to an LA nightclub. When Al hurts his back, Fred and Lamont step up and step out in this revue episode highlighted by Billy Eckstine singing "Jelly Jelly."


♪ Put your little foot
Put your little foot ♪

♪ Put your little
foot Right out ♪

♪ Put your little foot ♪♪

How's that feel, Jonathan
Livingston Turkey?

Put your little
foot... Right out.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.


Yeah, yeah, son.

I'm in the kitchen
with a bird in my hand.

♪ Put your little foot ♪

Hey, that's a mighty
fine looking bird

you got there, Pop.

Yeah, son, I'm proud
of it myself, son.

Yeah. Look at that.

Hey, Pop, you remember
when I was a little kid,

how I hated to eat spinach?


Well, I don't hate
spinach anymore.

Oh, you don't?

You know what I hate now?


A handful of turkey
stuffing on my shoulders.

Oh, excuse me, son.
Now, don't get angry.

You know, I'm in
such a good mood.

Listen, guess who's
coming to dinner.

Sidney Poitier?

No, stop kidding around.
I mean, look at the table.

Can of sweet potatoes,
cranberry sauce,

dressing, and a big
turkey... now guess.

The pilgrims are coming?

No, son.

The best friend I
got in the entire world

and this hemisphere is coming.

Don't tell me Bowlegs
is coming here again.

Bowlegs is coming.

Well, how long is he
gonna be here this time?

I didn't ask him,
and he didn't tell me.

When you owe a man
your life, practically,

you just don't ask him

how long he gonna
stay at your house.

Hey, Pop,

you don't owe that
dude nothing, man.

He's a freeloader.

Now, you take that back.

Now, listen, you go upstairs

and brush your teeth.


Because I don't want
to dirty my knuckles up.

Listen, Pop, the thing that I...

Never mind that. Listen to me.

See, Bowlegs did
the greatest thing

any human being could
do for another human.

Bowlegs introduced
me to your mother.

Besides, you owe
him something, too,

because if he hadn't
introduced me to your mother,

you might not even be here
now. I might not be your father.

Somebody else
could've been your father.

You even might've been white.

Well, what's he
doing in town anyway?

He's coming into town,
he's doing two weeks

down at Stone's Casbah & Grill,

him and his partner.

Two weeks?

They're gonna be
here for two weeks?

They'll be here for two weeks,

and they'll be in this
house for two weeks.

They'll be in your
room for two weeks,

and you'll be
sleeping on the couch,

and if you don't
like it, lump it.

I don't like it,

and there's not room for
another lump on that couch.


That's him now.

I'm ecstatic.

That's him, son. Wait a minute.

I'll bet they're... Bowlegs!





Hey, you... you
still look the same.

Oh, no, I had my
legs straightened.

I'm a foot taller now.

Well, it's good to see...

Oh, excuse me, Bowlegs.

Still playing little games.

Aw, I wasn't.

I was just cooking
in the kitchen. Al!

Hey, what do you say, Fred?

How you feeling?

Listen, y'all come on in

and make yourself at home.

Now, listen, I want
you to know this.

My house is your house,

and my son's room is your room.

You remember where
Lamont's room is?

Yeah, I remember where it's at.

I'll take this on up.


Hey, Bowlegs... Yeah?

How was your trip?

Oh, Fred, my trip was fine.

Only had one flat
tire, and that was it.

No kidding? Well,
listen, don't worry about it.

In the morning,

I'll get you a brand new tire.

You don't have to do that, Fred.

I want to thank you, though,

and my partner
wants to thank you.

Hey, Lamont.

Hey, Bowlegs. What it is?

Oh, I'm fine. I
want to thank you

for letting me use
your room again.

My pleasure.

I just been looking
forward to it.

Hey, guess what
we're having for dinner?

Don't tell me.

You made my favorite...
Baked potatoes...


Mustard greens. Uh-huh.

And prime rib!

Yeah, right, right.


♪ Goes the weasel ♪♪

No, it's just a little thing
between my son and I.

See, ever since
he was a little baby

he'd say, "Pop", and I'd
say, ♪ Goes the weasel ♪♪

Oh, yeah, I see.

Well, if you folks don't mind,
I'd like to go up, wash up,

and get out of
these tired clothes.

FRED: Yeah, Bow.
Listen, go on upstairs.

There's some soap up there,

and some towels,

and if you want to
put on one of my suits,

go on, and look in his drawer.

He just bought a new
sweater you can wear.

Pop! ♪ Goes the weasel ♪♪

Thank you, man. Thank you.

All right.

What a meal, Fred. What a meal.

Well, I just hope
you had enough.

Oh, sure. I had plenty, plenty.


You know something, Fred?


That was the thickest
piece of prime rib

I've ever ate in my whole life.

Right, and do you
know that's the first time

I ever had stuffed
turkey for dessert?


Well, I just hope
the stuffed turkey

and the prime rib and
the mashed potatoes

and the corn bread was
filling enough for you all.

But you see, we had
our big meal at lunch.

Lamont, you sure
got a sense of humor.

Yeah, is he bothering
you, Bowlegs?

Because he can get on
out of here, you know?


Goes the weasel.

Hey, listen, how's
the act getting along?

Oh, the act's doing great.

You know, we got a
whole new number now.

You haven't caught
the act lately, have you?

Oh, I haven't seen you

in about three or four years.

Al, shall we sing
for our supper?

You sing, I'm gonna dance.

That's a deal.


Uh, Lamont, hand me
my guitar over there.

FRED: Get him his guitar, dummy.

Hey, hey, first,

why don't we do that old number

we used to do years ago?

You remember that number

we used to do years ago, huh?

No, I don't want to sing.

You're too good for me,

I don't want to sing that.

"All of Me" in A flat.

I tell you what I'm gonna do.

I'll give you four bars.

As long as it's
free, give me eight.

♪ Doo bee da doo ♪

♪ Zip, zap-do, zip
Zee-dee-bee-do ♪

♪ Zub-dee-do De-dub-dee-do ♪

♪ Zub-dee-do de-dub ♪

Here's your eight bars now.

♪ All of me All of me ♪

♪ Why not take All of me ♪


♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ I'm no good Without ♪

♪ You ♪

♪ Take my arms I
never use them ♪

♪ Zoo-be-doo do-day ♪

♪ Take my lips I
want to bruise them ♪

♪ Oh, top-a-doo ♪

♪ Your goodbyes ♪

♪ Left me With eyes that cry ♪

♪ And how could I
Go on being without ♪


♪ You ♪

♪ You took the part
That once was my heart ♪

♪ Why not ♪

♪ Zoo-be-do ♪

♪ Take all of... ♪


FRED: Yeow!


♪ Shut up, shut up Shut
up, shut up, shut up ♪

♪ Zoo-be-doo-bay, boo ♪

♪ Shut up, shut up, shut up ♪

♪ Zoo-be-doo-be-doo ♪

♪ You got it, Fred
Take it, baby ♪

♪ Your goodbyes ♪

♪ Left me with eyes That cry ♪

♪ How can I ♪

♪ Go on living Without you? ♪

♪ Oh, this is the big
one Coming up now ♪

♪ You took the best ♪

♪ Zoo-be-doo-day ♪

♪ So come get the
rest Of this best ♪

♪ So why not ♪

♪ Why not ♪

♪ Why not take all of me? ♪


♪ Oh... ♪

♪ Yeah ♪♪


Brings back old
times, doesn't it?

All right, Al, it's your turn.

AL: All right.

Lamont, could we
get some surface?

Could we get some what?

Some surface. You got it.

FRED: Yeah, son, some surface.

I'll help you pull the rug back.

Fold it right down,

and pull it back
here by the couch.

That's it. I'll give
you a hand there.

Now, Al, you do something.

All right, let's go.

Well, go ahead and do something.


♪ Al, you gotta do something ♪

♪ I ain't been hugged
I ain't been kissed ♪

♪ Just want to see
What I have missed ♪

♪ Al, you gotta Do something ♪

♪ There's a time and a
place And a place and a time ♪

♪ Oh, come on Al
Don't you be so slow ♪

♪ Oh, Al's up here
Making haste ♪

♪ I'm standing up
here making waste ♪

♪ Al, you got to do something ♪

♪ Oh, yeah ♪♪

Wait, wait. Wait a minute.

He fell down over
here. Wait a minute.

What happened?
Are you all right?

What hurts?

I think I sprung my back.

Well, just lay down there

until we find out for sure.

It done happened before.

Don't move, don't move.

Oh, and the last time, I
couldn't dance for two weeks.

FRED: Two weeks!

BOWLEGS: Two weeks?

Man, we open this week!

We got a contract.

The Zanies, comedy and dance.

Fred, you got to do
something, you got to help me.

You got to help me.

I'd do anything in the
world for you. Al, look here.

Come on!


Come on! Dance!

Fred, I really want to thank
you for helping me out.

You know I'd do anything
in the world for you.

You know that. Sure.

Hey, Mr. Stone, I
gotta catch my bus,

so can I have my money now?

Hey, kid, can I give you a
suggestion about your act?


Get out of here.

Hey, now, wait a
second, Mr. Stone.

I worked here at the
Casbah for two weeks

and I expect two weeks' pay.

Well, kid, you worked two weeks,

you got two laughs,
that's a laugh a week.

For a laugh a week,
I pay a buck a week.

Now, here, take your two bucks

and get out of here
before I break your legs.

Hey, now, now, wait a second.

Listen, I don't
have to stay here...

Any longer.

I can go right now,
if that's all right.

Hey, hey, hey. Hey, you!

You. You, come here.

Both of you, come
here, come here.

Come on.

Hey... You Bowlegs?

No, I... I... I'm
Knock-knees now.

That's funny. That's funny.

That's what we need
around here, is more funny.

Yeah, huh? Oh, boy.

Yeah, yeah.

Yeah, sure, take
a look at them legs.

Of course, you must
be Bowlegs, right?

That's right.

And then you're
his partner, right?

You two are The Zanies, right?


I love it. I love it.

Do that thing for
me again, will you?

What thing?

That funny walk
you do, you know?

What funny walk?

You kill me.

Go on, do it.

He's walking.

He's walking.

I love it. I love it.

Hey, he's walking.

Oh, yeah, yeah. That's perfect.

Yeah, you're the
The Zanies, all right.

Hey, you got any music with you?

Oh, yeah, here
it is, right here.

Now, this is my song... Yeah?

And these are the
tunes we do together.

Yeah, well, where's
the rest of it?

The rest?

The dance numbers.

Oh, the dance numbers?

Yeah, the dance numbers.

Look, I bought The Zanies.

Comedy, song, and dance.

Now, you better show me a dance,

or you ain't gonna be able

to show me a walk.

Now, wait a minute
now. Wait, please.

What happened to
your sense of humor

you had a minute ago?

Look here. Watch
me do this. Look.

He's walking.

He's walking.

I love it. I love it.

Yeah, you know, you kill me.

Now explain to me
why there's no dancing.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.
That's very simple.

Tell him, Fred.

Well, see, the dancing Zany,
he's at the rehearsal hall...

And he'll be here tonight.

Yeah, I swear.

He'll be here tonight,

or else my name is
not Fred Zanyford!

That's Z-A-N-Y-F-O-R-D, period.

Wait a minute. Look here.

Look here, watch
this here again.

He's walking!

Fred, I know Lamont
ain't gonna want to do this.

Well, listen,

I don't have to ask him
what I want him to do.

I'm gonna tell him
what I want him to do.

He is the dancing Zany.


Hey, he's sounding much better.

Think I'll go up and
see how he's doing.


Listen, Lamont, I'm telling
you, I want you to do something.


Listen, Lamont, will you
do something for me?

Lamont... do me a
favor, son. Please?

Listen, I got
something to tell you.

Now, I'm talking to you...

I want you to listen to
me when I'm talking to you,

and I'll tell you,
this is what you do.

You just say, "All right,
Pop." You got that?

That's all I want to hear.

"All right, Pop." You got that?

Got it.

Oh, hi, son.

What you doing walking around

talking to yourself
like a fool, fool?

Come here, son.


Don't move, now.

Don't move. Just be calm.

Don't get excited,

and don't move to your right.

Sort of ease over
to your left, son,

because I'm positive

there's some fungus
growing over there.

Watch it, sucker.

I don't have to take
no insults from you.

You sure don't. Just
look in the mirror.

Pop, do you always have to
attack Aunt Esther like this?

Yeah, until they find

some kind of cure for her.

I just came over here to ask you

if you want me to cook
dinner for you and your friends,

but, now, I wouldn't
do nothing for you

or any of your
old sinful friends.

Lamont, you're always
welcome to my house,

but you, Fred Sanford,

you old fish-eyed fool,

don't you ever set
foot in my house again.

Oh, glory!

You old heathen.

Back in your cave, you old bat.

Listen, let me tell you
something right now, Pop.

Now, the thing I want you...

It's all right, then, son. Okay.

Yeah, anything
you want me to do,

I'll do, because
I want you to do

anything I tell you to do.

What's the matter with you, Pop?

Well, see, it's like this, son.

Let me explain to you.

You heard...

have you ever felt
like being zany?

Like what?

How's this sound?

Now you've heard of The
Zanies, song, comedy and dance?


Well, Bowlegs and I,
we're song and comedy,

and you are dance.

Pop, I...

"Popeye" ain't got
nothing to do with this.

See, Bowlegs is in trouble,

and we not gonna let
him down for no reason.

He needs us, and listen,

I owe him a favor
for the rest of my life,

because he introduced
me to your mother.

I didn't know that...
You didn't know that?

I could have swore I told you.

♪ The way You treat me poorly ♪

♪ I know I'm not to blame ♪

♪ Oh ♪

♪ Jelly, Jelly, Jelly ♪

♪ Jelly stays on my mind ♪

♪ Jelly, Jelly, Jelly ♪

♪ Jelly stays on my mind ♪

♪ Jelly Roll ♪

♪ Killed my pappy ♪

♪ It ruined my
mommy Stone blind ♪

♪ Oh, yeah... ♪♪

Thank you. Thank you.

Thank you.

All right.

Nice try, kid, nice try.

Wash up and get your money, huh?

Forget about singing.

STONE: Now, ladies and gents,

without any further
ado, here they are...

The Zanies!


♪ Hot ginger and dynamite ♪

♪ That's all They're
gonna serve tonight ♪

♪ Back in Nagasaki Where
the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ And the women Wiki wacky woo ♪

they can entertain ♪

♪ Would hurry a hurricane ♪

♪ Back in Nagasaki Where
the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ And the women wiki wacky woo ♪

♪ Fujiyama Get your mama ♪

♪ Troubles increase ♪

♪ South Dakota Get your soda ♪

♪ Earth shaking Milk shaking ♪

♪ 10 cents a shake ♪

♪ How they hug
And kiss at night ♪

♪ First you know
It's worth the price ♪

♪ Back in Nagasaki Where
the fellas chew tobaccy ♪

♪ And the women Wiki wacky woo ♪


Hey, wait a minute!
Come on back here!

♪ Come on back ♪

Keep it moving. Keep it moving.

You ain't seen
nothing yet, folks!

You ain't seen The
Zanies. Where are you?

Get out here!


Walk, walk, walk!

He's walking!

He's walking! I love it!

♪ Fujiyama, get your mama
Wrap your troubles in dreams ♪

♪ Oh, yeah North
Dakota South Dakota ♪

♪ Wake up in the morning
And find your bed soaking wet ♪

♪ You get your baby ♪

♪ Kick him, stomp
him And beat him ♪

♪ The baby gets a gun
And you run, run, run ♪

♪ Old Nagi, old saki
Old Nagi, old saki ♪

♪ Old Nagi, old saki ♪
Women wiki wacky woo ♪♪

Off, off. Where's the dancer?

Hey. You ain't seen
nothing yet, folks.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

All right!


Where's the dancing?
Hey, hey, Zanies.

You ain't see nothing, folks.

Wait until we show
you the dancing Zanies.

Hey, where's the dancing?

Hey, dancing Zanies,
where's the dancing?

LAMONT: No, no.

I'm not going up!


Listen, I'm not
gonna come out here

and make a fool out
of... I'm not dancing,

and that's all there is to it,

and I don't want to
hear anything from you.

I'm getting out
of here right now.

I'm not dancing in here.

Hit it.


He's walking, look at him!



Fred and Lamont, we were great.


Even better than even me and Al!

You know something?


These next two weeks are
gonna be the happiest weeks

of my entire life.

Well, that's easy for
you to say, Bowlegs,

because you ain't got
nothing else to do, man...

Wait a minute now,
son. Now, that's enough.

Now, the most important thing
is helping Bowlegs out, see?

For the simple reason, he
introduced me to your mother.

Say what?

Yeah, and see, Bowlegs,
every now and then,

I just feel sentimental

and I've been
forever grateful to you

for introducing me to Elizabeth.

I didn't introduce
you to Elizabeth.


I didn't introduce
you to Elizabeth.

Yes, you did. Don't
you remember?

It was in St. Louis

and they were
having a bond rally.

It was during the
war, about 1942,

and Bucky Linen was
walking down the street...

And Elizabeth came
along with her sister.


And I knew her sister.


And I introduced you to Esther,

and she introduced
you to Elizabeth.

FRED: You introduced
me to Esther?

To Esther,

and Esther introduced
you to Elizabeth.

Now, if you owe me
anything, you owe me

for introducing you to Esther.

I just hope all the things
that you did for Bowlegs here,

was pay enough

for him introducing
you to Aunt Esther, Pop.

No, son, I haven't
given him enough

for introducing
me to Aunt Esther.

Bowlegs, I'm gonna give you

something extra special.

Oh, Fred, you
don't have to do that.


Look here. Now, close your eyes.

Now open them.

Now, which hand is it in?

That one.


That one?


Well, which one?

In both of them, you...
Oh, come on, now!