Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 14 - The Merger - full transcript

The Sanfords and Julio agree to merge their competing junkyards and bank on business booming after they broadcast a television commercial.


Now, how about
this one, friends?

It's a 1974 hardtop

with only 3000 miles on it.

Now, all I'm asking
for this little beauty

is 2199.99,

but I'll accept any
reasonable offer.

Why don't you
call me, right now...

Crazy Hal, the used car king.

I'm coming, Crazy,

as soon as I finish
these wild hickory nuts.

Pick up that phone,

I'll send you 500
Blue Chip stamps

just for talking...

Hello, Crazy Hal?

Listen, I'm calling
about that 1974 hardtop.

Yeah, I'd like to make
you a reasonable offer...



Well, I'd like to make you
an unreasonable offer...


Well, that's my last offer.

Send me my Blue Chip
stamps, 500 of them.

My name?

Fred G. Sanford.

That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D, period.


Uh, G-E-E.

Sanford, yeah.

No, I didn't call you yesterday.

Will you hang up, Pop?

A... And you've got the address.

Look, I've asked you
not to call Crazy Hal.

But, son, he loves
giving away those stamps.

That's what made him.


That's right, he wasn't nothing

before he started giving
away them stamps,

and now he's the most
famous lunatic in California.

Uh, that's great, Pop.

How about some dinner?

Uh, dinner? Oh, yeah.

We were gonna have leftovers.

I don't care what we have

as long as we have it.

You don't mind
serving it, do you?

No, I don't mind serving it,

and I would, if I could,

but I can't, so I won't.

What are you talking about?

Well, I didn't know
you were coming home,

so I ate my leftovers,
then I ate your leftovers,

and now there ain't
no leftovers left over.

Can we get one thing
straight right now?

I been working hard all day

on the truck, Pop,

and when I've been
working out there

on the truck, the
least you could do

is fix me dinner
when I come home,

or have you stopped cooking too?

What do you mean, "too"?

Well, you don't do nothing else.

Oh, phbbt!

I do everything here.

I load the truck, I
make the pick-ups,

I do the inventory.

What do you do?


You coordinate.

You sleep on the couch all day.

That's right. I'm an
interior coordinator.

Now, why don't you
forget about business

for a little while
and get you a girl

and take her out
and have some fun.

I don't think I have
the strength, Pop.

You got a girl? Yeah.

Well, I got the strength.
What's her number?


You know, I don't
understand you, man.

I been working hard all day,

and I don't understand this.

Hey, Ju.

Hey, Lamont,
man, how's it going?

All right.

Mr. Sanford, bueños noches.

Bueños noches.

That means "good
night," don't it?


Well, good night, so long,

and I'll see you at
the next revolution.

Hey, Pop, would
you leave Julio alone.

No, that's all right, man.

Whenever he
says things like that,

I turn the other cheek.

Well, turn your cheek
toward Puerto Rico

and follow it.

Hey, Lamont, I just
came by to tell you,

I can't make that movie tonight.

Oh, what's up?

No, I'm just too tired, man.

I drove over 200 miles
making pick-ups today.

200 miles? Yeah.

You've been to Tijuana.

Now, where are they?


Them wetbacks.

Hey, Lamont,

we'll make the movie
some other time, okay, man?

Okay, it's been a
hard day for me too.

Look, why don't you grab
a squat before you split.

Great. It seems like every
day is a hard day on this job.

I ask myself why I
ever got into this job.

That's funny.

Just as I was doing
it, I ask myself,

why did Julio get into
the junk business?

Why is he living
next door to us?

Why is he smuggling
wetbacks into America?

Come on, Mr. Sanford.

You know what I'm
talking about, man.

Running a junkyard is
a rough business, man.

Especially when it's a
one-man operation like mine.

Hey, don't feel like
the lone ranger, Julio.

Ours is a one-man operation too.


I'll get it.

Gee whiz.

Long day, man, long day.

Long day, brother.

Hey, come on in, fellas!

Hey, Lamont. What's
happening, Fred?

What's happening?

What's going on, man?

Say, why don't you
guys have a seat?

No, we can't stay too long.

We came by for some parts

for our squad car.

Here? What's wrong
with the police garage?

Yes, well, under
the circumstances,

we thought it best
not to advise them

of the circumstances

surrounding the circumstances.

If you know what I mean.

No, what does he mean?

Somebody stole all our hubcaps.

Did you get to see
the guy who did it?

See him? We
didn't even hear him.

We had the windows rolled up.

You mean to tell me
that they ripped you off

while you was in
the car? That's right.


I'm gonna get you some hubcaps.

Mr. Sanford, what will be
the cost of those hubcaps?

Let's see, that's $2.00 each,

so that'll be...

Hey, $2.00 each?
That's too much, man.

I mean, I got
hubcaps for a $1.50.

You can have the set for $6.00.

Uh, $5.50, I'll let
you have them for.



Three. $2.75.

Hey, wait a minute,
Pop. What are you doing?

Just back out of the way.

You're in the
middle of a junk war.



$2.00. $2.00?

That's right, $2.00, man.

Hell, I'll take them myself.

You must be out
of your mind, man.

Do I look like I'm
crazy or something?

That's my price to them not you.

What do you mean, to them?
Ain't my money good enough?

No, you're money's
good enough...


Hold it!

You're both going
to lose the sale.

Wait a second. Hey, fellows,

what about your hubcaps, man?

We decided to go to Goldstein's

across the street.


I'm glad you agree, Mr. Sanford.

I mean, after all,

you're both friends of ours,

and we wouldn't
want to be accused

of playing favorites,

so we're just going to cut off.

Out! Oh, yeah, cut out, right,

but if I might be allowed

to make one suggestion,

that suggestion might be

that you guys look to
Officer Smith and myself

as an example to the future.

Come on, Hoppy.

Uh, wait a minute,
wait a minute.

Uh, what kind of an example?

I am referring to teamwork.


That's right, teamwork.

Instead of hurting each other,

you could be helping each other,

right, Smitty?

Yeah, yeah, right, right.

Let me illustrate
my point musically...

You see... ♪ Wherever we go ♪

♪ Whatever we do ♪

♪ You know that
we do it Together ♪

♪ Wherever... ♪♪

Just get in the car.

You never let me
sing... Get in the car!

Now, what was he talking about?

I know what he
was talking about,

and I don't know why I
didn't think of it sooner.

Think of what?

Are you thinking
what I'm thinking?

I'm right with you,
man. Talk to me.

Think of what?

If we had've done
this a long time ago,

we'd probably have
a lot of money now...

Think of what? We could
share the work, man.

We wouldn't have to put in
12 hour days anymore, huh?

Think of what?

And by not competing,

we wouldn't lose
sales like we just did.

Think of what?

We'll pool our resources, man.

We could advertise on TV.

Think of what!

Merger! Merger!


With him?

Yeah, what do
you think of it, Pop?

Well, on one hand,

the state of the
economy rules out merger

as opposed to
private enterprise.

Then on the other hand,
that's a better merger.

You see, all I have to do

is merge these knuckles
with your 32 teeth.

Now, that's a merger.


Now, look, we're making
the right move, man.

You're the guy
that told me yourself

that I should take
a... a vacation, right?

Well, now I'll be
able to do that

and so will you.


Yes, when we're not
here to watch the business,

Julio'll watch it.

And who's gonna watch Julio?

Pop, Julio's completely
trustworthy, man.

A guy that owns a
goat can't be all bad...

and besides, he's
got a lot of good ideas.

He said that if the
business works out,

we could even sell franchises.

You mean like them
hamburger places?


Well, what are we gonna
call it? Junk-In-The-Box?

Look, there's other advantages

to it too, Pop.

In fact... you might
become just as famous

as your friend Crazy Hal.


That's right.
That's Julio's idea.

He said that if we
combine our resources,

we could even do

television commercials, man.

Now, how does that sound to you?

Look, I'm not giving my
Blue Chip Stamps to nobody.

Hey, Lamont. Dig this man.

I got the stuff for the sign.

Out of sight.

Sign? What sign?

For our new name, man.
Fuentes and Sanford.

Uh, shouldn't that be
Sanford and Fuentes?

No, man, because, you
see, "F" comes before "S,"

and besides,

Fuentes is such a
beautiful name, man.

Fuentes... Vaya! As
opposed to Sanford.

I mean, Fuentes
means "fountains."

Sanford means "without ford."

It also means without teeth.

Okay, Sanford and Fuentes.

That's settled, man. One
name each, 50-50, beautiful.

Hold tight. 50-50?


Uh, that's a little wrong, see,

because there's two of us,

and there's only one of you.

It should be one-thirds
and two-thirds.

Wait a second. I got just
as much junk as you guys.

Yeah, I know, I know,
see, but there's two of us.

You get a whole
profit to yourself.

We have to split ours
two ways, you dig?

Yeah, you're right, man.

Okay, that's fair.

One-third and two-thirds.


That gives us the
controlling vote

to form a power block,

and the first thing
I'm gonna vote on

is to power you
out of the block.

Hey, that's enough, man.

Now, would you
dig yourself, Pop?

Hey, wait a second, Lamont.

You shouldn't talk
to him like that, man.

If you don't mind, Julio,

this is between me and my Pop.

Oh, yeah, I know

it's between you
and your father, man,

but he's also my partner, man,

and I don't think
anyone should be yelling

at my partner like that, man.

You tell him, Julio.

All right.

Hey, come on, let's go
outside and tear the fence down.

Great, man.

Tear the fence down?

No, wait a minute. Not my fence!

Not the one I built

with your own two hands!

Sorry, Mr. Sanford,

but one business, one yard.

Oh, Elizabeth.

Oh, honey, did you hear that?

I'm coming, darling.

I lost my son and my
business in the same day.

It's them Puerto Ricans.

You give them a
toe, they take a foot.

Give them a foot,
they take an ankle.

Give them an ankle,
they take a leg.

I'm coming to join you, honey,
before they take the good parts!

Hey, wait, that's funny.

Hey, Mr. Sanford?


Oh, yeah, remember that radiator

we sold yesterday?

Yeah, We got $20
for that, didn't we?

Yeah, 20 big ones.


Yeah, well, how come
in the sales record, here,

you got it marked 1-0?

Uh, I always do that, and I
expect you to do the same.

Whenever I sell something
for 2-0 I put down 1-0,

so that means the
tax man gets zero.

Ha ha!


Man, that's really great.

You know, partner... Fred...

Call me Mr. Sanford.

Oh. Okay, Mr. Sanford.

I was thinking you remind me
a little of my father, you know?

Yeah, he had a good
head for business.

I mean, he knew
how to wheel and deal,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, I know what you mean.

Yeah, yeah.

I mean, he really had
a lot on the ball, man.

Just like you, Mr. Sanford.

Call me Fred.

Oh, hey, that's nice.


Oh, I'll get it... Fred.

Julio Fuentes, big time tycoon.

Sanford and Fuentes.

Oh, yeah, yeah,
Channel 14, right.

Oh, that's great.

Yeah, that's right, I
talked to you before, yeah.

Okay, we'll have it
for you by next week.

Thank you very much. Goodbye.

Who was that, Ju?

Hey, man, that
was the TV station.

Channel 14, man.

They said that it's
gonna cost us $90

to put a commercial
on the late movie.

Hey, beautiful.

Hey, we can handle
that, can't we, Pop?

Sure we can.

Don't cost us but 45 bucks.

Wait a minute, man.

You got two-thirds
interest, right?

So that means two of you
gotta pay $60, I pay $30.

That's two-thirds, right?

Oh, no, no, you got that wrong.

See, that's when
you're sharing the profits,

see, the expenses are different.

Well, how do you
figure that, man?

It's just business mathematics.

It's the law of
the... of the triangle.

The law of the triangle?

Yeah, I'll explain that to you.

See, you have
one piece over here,

and we have two pieces.

See we put our
two pieces together

and it comes to a point.

So shove that point in your ear.

Hey, Pop, would you
stop fooling around

when we're trying to
do business, here...

Hey, come on, man, he
didn't mean nothing by that.

I told you, man,

don't say nasty words
to my partner, man.

And I told you that
he's my Pop first

and your partner second.

Hey, Lamont, listen, man...

I don't have to listen.

I know about the business.

I been in this
business for 32 years!


Fellows, fellows, listen to me.

Let's settle this thing calmly,

like gentlemen.

Son... punch him in the mouth.

You know, this is silly, man.

That's right. I don't even
know what we're arguing about.

I don't either, man.

We shouldn't argue like this.

I'll tell you,

I'll get back to
the sales records.

Okay, okay.

I'm gonna get
Rollo on the phone.

Rollo? Yeah.

Yeah, see, he's got a camera,

and he volunteered

to do the TV commercial for us.

Over my dead body.

I know what that Cecil
B. DePorno is gonna do.

I know what kind of
movie he's gonna make.

I'm gonna have to undress.

No, you won't.

I will. I'll have to pose
in different positions.

You will not.

I'll have to wear a mask,

so my friends won't know me.

I can see it now...

Channel 10 presents Fred Sanford

starring in... "Deep Junk."

The sun will be over here,

and you can shoot from there.

Yeah, that'll be perfect.

And we get everything.

Hey, Pop? I'd like for you
to meet Haywood Jones.

He teaches a film class
over here in the community.

Haywood, this is my pop.

How do you do, sir?

Sir? I like a guy
who calls me sir.

Well, thank you very much.

Hey, Haywood, is
this the camera here?

Yes, I want to be
sure everything sells.

All set, huh?

Everything is all
under control, huh?

We're all set, all set, and...

any special instructions?

Yeah, when you start out,

just get the camera tight in

on my face, see.
I'm gonna explain...

Oh, no, no, no, wait
a minute, Lamont.

No, no, I'm gonna
do the commercial.

It was my idea, remember?

Yeah, see, I know
it was your idea,

but see, Julio,

I'm the one that took
the acting lessons,

and I didn't want
to bring this up,

but you got an accent.

What are you talking about?

I ain't got no accent.

Yes, you do, Julio.

No, I don't, man.

Everybody understands
me, right? Right, Mr. Sanford?


Hey, that's it.

Let's just get the
camera rolling...

Hey, now, wait a second, man,

let's talk about this!

I don't want... [WHISTLING]

Hold it!

Fellows, fellows,
hold it, fellows.

Why don't we just
ask the senior partner.

What do you say, Mr. Sanford?

I say, forget them two.

I'm doing the commercial.


Yeah, because, see,

I got something
them two don't have.

What? What?

A beard.

So what does that mean?

Well, people respect a
middle-aged guy with a beard.

Now, take Abraham
Lincoln, and... and Moses,

and... and... and Wolfman Jack.

Wolfman Jack?

Maybe he's got
something, Lamont.

Maybe he's right.

I don't know. I feel
that I should do it.

I don't know, man...

Here, hold these cards, here,

and hold them steady,
so I can read them,

and back up over there a little.

No, back up out
the way! Aw, man.

You ready now, Mr. Sanford?

Yeah, I'm ready.
Roll them, there.

Okay. Stand by.

Would you get back?

Roll them. Slate. And action!

Uh... Hold it, hold it, cut it.

What's the matter, Mr. Sanford?

I forgot my props.

Props? He forgot his props.

Wait a second, forget the props.

See, while he's gone,
get the camera in here.

See, now, the approach
should be over here.

Okay, the approach over there...

Yeah, that's it.


I'm ready now.

You all set, Mr. Sanford?

Okay, very good, stand by.

Roll them.

Would you back up out
of the way? Aw, man.

Please, back up
out of the way, sit.


Hi. You're probably wondering

what this junk is doing
in the Y Boys' Camp.

Wait a minute, hold it.

Cut, cut, cut.

What are you doing?

Well, I saw Steve
Allen do this on TV,

and he sold a lot of cars.

Maybe you should
just tell it like it is,

I mean, straight and simple.

Okay, okay.

Okay, 86 the trees.

Okay, stand by.

Would you back up?

Stand by, Mr. Sanford.

Aw, man.

Roll them.

And action!

Hi, I'm Fred. Fly
me to Junk City.

Wait a minute.

Cut it, cut it!

Wait a second, man. Wait...

I don't understand
what's going on, man.

Would you stop
fooling around, man.

Hey, leave him alone, man.

You heard him, leave me alone.

I know what I'm doing,

now, back on out the way.

Give me some action.

Can't we just... Please, just...

Okay, we're rolling!


As I was saying, my
name is Fred Sanford,

and I'm president of
Sanford and Fuentes.


Wait a minute!


What's the matter?

He don't need no help from you!

I'm not helping, man.

I'm translating for
our Chicano viewers.

Go on, Fred, you're
doing great, man.

Get out the way.

Okay, roll them.
Action, go ahead.

Folks, this is our
junkyard, here,

a giant supermarket of junk...


That's right.

We've got more junk

than we know what to do with.


If we lined all this
stuff up end to end,

it would reach from
here to Yugoslavia.


Go ahead, Fred, come on...

You gotta see it,
folks, to believe it.

This is the place to
make a better deal.


How would you like a fat lip?


All right, well, you
be quiet, please.

Can I talk, man?

Can I say something?

Would you just
back up out the way?

Folks, we'd like
you to come down

and see for yourselves.

We got everything
you want right here...

stoves, car parts,

everything you need, right here.

So you looking
for a good deal...


cash or credit,

new customers or old, no
down payment for veterans.

You don't even
have to be a veteran.

If you been in a gang
fight, we'll remember it,

and we'll take care of
your insurance right here.

If you lose a leg, we'll
help you find your leg...

Here, folks, is
just one letter...


that we've received

from a satisfied customer...

Dear, Mr. Sanford and Fuentes.

We are satisfied with our junk.

Many people have commented

that they have rarely seen

exquisite junk such as ours.

We've always been treated kindly

and respectfully,

and we are very grateful
for your swimming pool,

because our son, John,

has no fear of the
water or the junk.

Thank you, sir... [SHOUTING]

Cut, cut!

What are you doing, man?

We had the thing going, man!

You ruined the whole thing.

We had it going nice too.

What do you want?

What do I want? Look at this!


Listen, if you two can
be in the commercial,

then I can be in
the commercial too.

Now, just go ahead
and roll them, Haywood,

and you tell them who I am.

Just keep it rolling. Rolling.

Uh, friends, I'd like
you to meet somebody

very close to me.

This is my dog, Spike.

Hello, out there.

I'm Lamont,

and I'm one of the
people here, that...


Will you shut up!?
Will you shut up!?

You shut up, you shut up!

Don't tell me to
shut up, you shut up!

No, you shut up!
Why should I shut up?

You don't tell my
son to shut up!

You shut up!

You shut up and
stay out of this!

You stay out of it and shut up!

Don't tell me to
stay out of it...

All right, that's it!

Hold it, hold it, Hold it!

I mean, you guys are crazy!

You with your dumb trees

and your Y Boy's Camp,

you with that yo-yo tie,

and you with the junkeria!

Aw, man... How you
gonna make a commercial?

I don't understand...

Wait a minute, now,
wait a minute, guys!

Hold on, wait a minute!

No, wait a minute!

No, no.

It's not right, it's not right.

That's right, listen to the man.

Don't do that.


Roll them! Roll them!


Ah, what a drag, man.

Three days after
that commercial,

and not one customer, yet.

You seen anybody?

I ain't seen nobody, Julio.

Nobody, man.

But then that
commercial wasn't exactly

the best one in the world, man,

especially when the director

starts trying to
swim in the pool.

That's the first time
we laughed together

in a week, man.

That's right, man.
You know, it feels good.

What should we
do with this sign?

I don't know. You keep it.

I don't want it.

What do you want to do with it?

Let's burn it.

Jam it in, man. Right.

That's the first
thing we agreed on

since before the merger.

Dig it.

You know, it's too bad

that we had to
dissolve our partnership

to be friends again.

I think that's right
what they say,

that friends should not

go into business together.

That's true. I've heard
that a lot of times before.

Dig it.

My grandmother
used to tell me that

all the time when I was a kid.

Well, I see you two
are talking again.

That's the way it's gonna
be from now on, right?

That's right, man. Together.

All right.

Aw, I think I'm
gonna get sick...

but you do make
a lovely couple...

Tweedly-dee and Tweedly-dummy.

Listen, Julio, why don't
you gather up your stuff

and adios.


Hey, I'll help you sort
out your stuff, Julio.

You don't have to help him

sort it out, now.

I know everything that's his.

That brown rug over
here with the stain on it...

and this decorator lamp...

and this chair with
the back out of it

and the stuffing
coming out of it...

and that muffin pan...

and this washboard.
Now, that's all.

Get your stuff and take it
back where you got it from...

your bedroom.

Telescope... and... Ty-D-Bol...

Hey, Pop... Hey,
man, when is dinner?

I'm starving.

Dinner? Oh, I'll
get to it in a minute.

Oh, great. Hey, you got
about a dozen books here.

It must have taken a long
time to put all them stamps in.

No, just about an hour.

Oh, yeah? What are
we having for dinner?

Your favorite... Tongue.

Ooh... out of sight.

Yeah, I'll get it for you,

as soon as I finish
this last book.