Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 4, Episode 11 - Fred's Treasure Garden - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Grady!

Hey, Grady?

Grady!

Hey, Grady?

Grady?

Look at this place.

Well, my little vegetables...

I want you to know
how happy I am

that you've been
growing so nicely for me

while your Daddy
Fred's been away.



And since you've been so nice,

I have a little poem for you.

Roses are red, violets are blue,

Dorothy's all pink, and
Janet's got a hole in 'em.

Ya get it?

Oh, hey.

What are you doing?

I'm talking to your
father's plants.

Do you mind?

No, I don't mind.

Have you gotten to the part

where you tell them
that you're a yo-yo?

Lamont, you're supposed to
talk to plants and vegetables.

Oh, yeah? And what
fool told you that?



Nobody told me.

I read it right
here in this paper,

in the home garden section.

See?

It says that it's a proven fact

that plants grow best

when they feel the
vibrations of love

emanating from your
heart to their petals.

Now watch this.

Hello, babies.

Grady, you're gonna be
the first old man in history

to get busted for
molesting a tomato.

Don't you listen to him, honey.

Now that's what I mean, Grady.

You're spending too much time

out here in this garden, man.

When... when was the last time

you cleaned up the house?

When was the last
time you cooked?

When was the last time
you made up your bed?

Um... I give up. When?

You see?

That's exactly what I mean, man.

You're spending all your
time out here in this garden

and the house is going to pot.

Well, I'll tell ya
what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna fix you an
extra special dinner tonight,

and to show ya

that I haven't been
wasting my time out here,

I'll get most of the
stuff right from here.

You mean to tell me

you're gonna eat this
stuff right outta the ground?

Well, this is good food.

Here, try this.

Go ahead.

Wait.

Goodbye, Doris.

Go ahead.

Hey, this isn't bad, Grady.

What other kind vegetables
you got growing out here?

Well, let's see.

I got some lettuces
and radishes, and...

Hey, Grady? Grady?

What's that scraggly
stuff growing over there?

Oh, that's parsley.

Wild parsley.

And it sprung up by itself.

Are you sure that's parsley?

Well, sure I'm
sure that's parsley.

And you know what, Lamont?

The great thing
about this garden

is that it's all organic.

No chemicals, no sprays.

It's natural.

Just a little plant
food and that's it.

Oh, yeah?

Well, what do you
use for fertilizer?

Nothing.

Mrs. Nelson's cat
comes by twice a day.

Good afternoon, Grady.

Oh, hi there, uh...
Uh... Esther, fool.

Yeah, Esther Fool.

Oh, how... how's
your whiplash, Esther?

Oh, it's fine.

It'll be all well on Friday.

Well, how you know it's
gonna be well on Friday?

Because the trial is Thursday.

Oh, what a pretty little garden.

No, no, hey, hey,
wait a minute now.

Fred told me to keep
you outta this garden.

Is that so?

Yeah. He said just because

he had planted a Garden of Eden,

there was no reason
to let the serpent in.

Well, I'm here, and
I'm staying here.

Well, as long as you here
and you's staying here,

would you mind
holding out your arms

so you can scare away the crows?

Let me tell you one thing.

When my sister was alive,

I was always
welcome in this house,

but I wouldn't put
my foot in there

unless you fall down
on your hands and knees

and beg me.

So long, sucker.

Grady, if you're done
talking to the vegetables,

why don't you go in there
and talk to the frying pan

and tell it to cook
us some dinner?

Okay, but would you mind
doing me a favor, please,

and... and feed my
plants while I'm in there?

What's that fish for?

Oh, that's for
Mrs. Nelson's cat.

Ya see, sometimes, you
have to prime the pump.

And... and talk to
the vegetables for me,

will ya, please?

Make them feel wanted.

What are you,
some kind of a nut?

Talk to the vegetables.

Did you hear him?

Well, come on, you
guys better eat up,

because this might
be your last meal

before you become my meal.

Say, my man, what are you doing?

Hey, Ronald, what's
happening, man?

Look here, I wanna
ask you a question.

Does that look like
wild parsley to you?

You mean that marijuana?

Say, look here, baby,

it's just about ready
to be harvested too.

Yeah, well, just stay
away from it, Ronald.

Hey, man, don't worry.
There's enough for everybody.

Ronald, just stay
away from it now.

Now get in the house.

Oh, man, so why did your
old man plant that anyway?

He didn't, Ronald. It
just sprung up all by itself.

Oh, it just sprung up, did it?

Well, well, what a fine
spring we're having here.

No, but we gotta
think of some way

to get rid of that stuff.

Hey, don't worry,
baby. I'll do it.

Wait a minute.

I know. I'll... I'll burn it.

That's exactly
what I had in mind.

We can't burn it, man.

If we burn it, then
somebody'll smell it.

I know.

We'll turn it into the police.

Oh, you can't turn it
into the police, fool.

What's wrong with you?

Come on, we gotta
think this out intelligently.

Come on, sit down here.

I got an idea.

I know it'll work,
ya understand?

Right here.

Now we know we can't burn it.

No, we can't burn it, man.

Yeah, and we can't wrap
it up in a bundle with paper

because it would stick
out like a sore thumb.

Yeah, it would stick
out like a sore thumb.

Yeah, and somebody
would find it.

Somebody would find it.

So here's what I'll do. Yeah?

Instead of wrapping it up
in a huge piece of paper.

Yeah?

And throwing it out.

Instead, I'll just get
some little pieces

of paper about this size.

Ya dig?

And then I'll take the
marijuana little by little

and wrap it up

in them... those
little pieces of paper,

and I'll get rid of
it all, one by one.

Are you finished?

Okay, because
now I've got an idea.

Now it's just about time
for Smitty and Hoppy

to get off from duty,

so we'll go over to the precinct

and tell them about it.

What do you mean we?

Ain't they the police?

Yeah, they the police,

but they're also
our friends, Ronald.

Now if we talk to
them off the record,

then we won't get on the record.

Now come on, let's go.

I don't know, man.

I understand I'm your
partner, but I'll go with ya.

I think you're
making a big mistake.

I'm not making no
mistake, Ronald.

Just look, look, now look.

Now if this is marijuana,
it's our duty to turn it in.

But before we turn it in,

why don't we do a
little turning on, man?

♪ A tisket, a tasket I'm
going to fill my basket ♪

♪ A tisket, a tasket... ♪

♪ I'm gonna fill my basket ♪

♪ Doo, doo, doo... ♪

Well, fellas, I'm sorry,
but the time has come.

Let's see.

A little of this, and this,
and this, and some of this,

and a little of this
will make a fine salad.

Now, no salad would be
complete without a pinch of parsley.

[HUMMING]

It needs more parsley.

LAMONT: It's right
this way, Smitty.

It's right over here.

Now, I want you to know

that I'm bringing you
over here as a friend,

not as a policeman,

and not in your
official capacity.

Now, I'm just
gonna come right out

and be honest with you

and tell you it's gone.

What's gone?

Well, Officer Smith,

I think we should
be a bit more official

about this inquiry.

Now... what's gone?

It was parsley. It
was a wheelbarrow.

Hmm?

It was a wheelbarrow.
It was parsley.

It was a wheelbarrow
full of parsley.

A wheelbarrow full of parsley.

Now, that's not your
everyday robbery.

Well, I... I guess
whoever it belonged to

must've come and...
And taken it away,

so it was a false alarm.

Now wait.

Why would anyone put
parsley in a wheelbarrow?

Well, I guess they
wanted to make deliveries.

Make... All right,
now did we establish

that the wheelbarrow
was full of parsley?

No. Partially.

Partially full or
partially parsley?

Partially parsley.

Partially parsley.

Possibly.

Possibly partially parsley.

Probably.

Probably possibly
partially parsley.

Now what I'm trying...
Oh, Smitty and Hoppy.

Hey, Ronald.

Hey, Grady. How ya doing, Grady?

Fine.

Wow, you're just
in time for dinner.

I just got through,
and I got plenty,

and you should come
on in and join me.

You'll love it.

Hey, yeah, that's a good idea.

Why don't you stay for dinner?

Hey, why not?

It's almost quitting time.
What do you say, Hoppy?

All right, let's get it in.

Get it on.

Get it on, get it on, yeah.

Hey, you know what, Ronald?

I'll bet you that stuff
didn't grow wild, man.

I'll bet you somebody planted it

and unplanted it
when we was gone.

Yeah, and I'd sure like
to be his bosom buddy

right about now.

Yeah, well, I'd just
like to get my hands

on the dude that did it.

Yeah, me too.

I had such high hopes.

All right, now
suppose we start off

with a little liquid
refreshments here?

Now this is half mint julep

and half Ripple,

and Fred calls
this "mint jipple".

Well, it sounds
delicious, Mr. Wilson,

but actually we're still on duty

for another five, four,

three, two, one for me, please.

Thank you.

Hey, this is outta sight, Grady.

Hey, you know, Mr. Wilson,

this reminds me of a drink
we had back in the service.

It was called a... A
"block and tackle".

If you drank three of those,

you walk a block and
you... You tackle anybody.

You get it? You tackle anybody?

Oh, what a sense of humor.

Oh, my gosh, short hair and
all, those guys were funny.

Yeah, well, now
for the main course.

Now I call this
"salad a la Grady".

Um, that is marvelous.

That... you know,

I've been eating
only salads lately.

You've probably noticed
I've gotten a little lighter.

Yeah, if you get any lighter,

I understand you'll
be transparent.

All right, gentlemen,

here's what you've
been waiting for.

Say, Grady, that
looks fantastic.

Hey, what all's in here?

Well, I got some cucumbers,

lettuce, tomatoes,
hog head cheese,

and a little wild parsley.

I... I don't... I don't
think you guys

will be wanting to eat
nothing with wild parsley in it.

Ain't nothing wrong
with this salad.

Wrong?

Hey... That is delicious.

Ought to be a crime for
a salad to be this good.

In most states, it is.

Grady, can, can I see you
for a minute in the kitchen?

Well, not now.

I mean, can't you see I'm busy?

Now, you wouldn't
disturb a master chef

in his moment of
glory, would ya?

No, but I...

You wouldn't disturb
George Washington Carver

when he was
planting the peanuts?

No, but I...

You wouldn't disturb Hank Aaron

when he was standing
up at the plate?

No, Grady.

You wouldn't disturb
the Wright Brothers

when they were trying to fly?

That's exactly what I
wanna talk to you about.

Now, would you
get in the kitchen?

You stay away from
that salad, Ronald.

I said, stay away
from that salad.

Oh, man.

Hey, what's this about
the Wright Brothers?

Well, it's the flying part

that I wanna talk
to you about, Grady.

Now, I don't know
quite how to say this,

but I don't think
that was wild parsley

in that salad you made.

Well, what do
you think was in it?

Marijuana.

Marijuana? Shh!

SLamont, are you crazy?

I mean, wait, okay,
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll just go on out there
and ask Smitty and Hoppy

if they taste
marijuana in the salad.

No, wait a minute,
Grady. You can't do that.

They're the police.

Well, you don't think

I'm gonna take your
word for it, do ya?

You don't have to, Grady.

Now, just about everybody knows

that one of the
main side effects

in using marijuana

is the hungries or the munchies.

Weren't they in
the Wizard of Oz?

That was the Munchkins.

Oh, yeah, but didn't
ya just love that picture?

Grady, would you knock it off?

This is no time for that.

There was Dorothy and Toto

and the Wicked
Witch of the what...

Of the West, Grady.

Now, look, now,
what we gotta do, see,

is we gotta go out there,

and... and... and if Smitty
and Hoppy are still hungry,

then that means
it was marijuana.

If they're not, it wasn't.

Now, come on. All right.

♪ Follow The yellow brick road ♪

Oh, man, you were right.

They got the
Munchkins, all righty.

The munchies,
Grady, the munchies.

Now just calm down.

How... how can I calm down

when the police are in there
getting high off of my salad?

They... they... They
gonna take me to jail.

We gotta... we gotta go
out there and stop them.

Hey, wait a minute, wait
a minute, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. Now,
how can they take you

to jail if they eating
up all the evidence?

That's food for thought.

Right. Come on, let's go.

Hey, how... how...
How you fellas feel?

I... I mean... I mean,
how's the food?

Ah, terrific.

Uh-huh. It's marvelous.

Oh, yeah? Yeah.

Well, wait a minute.

Oh, goodness,

you didn't even finish
up this little bit right here.

Oh, come on, don't
leave anything in the bowl.

Hey, don't worry
about me, Grady.

I'm so hungry, I could eat
a porcupine and his mama.

I could eat anything.

And you just did.

Well, that just about
does it for dinner.

I'll just take your plates.

Ronald, why don't you

take these plates and the
salad bowl in the kitchen

and wash them out thoroughly?

Clean them.

Yeah, okay.

And... and... and if you
guys are still hungry,

I suggest that you go
down to a restaurant

and get something to
eat. As a matter of fact,

you should leave now, because
the restaurants start getting

crowded around this time of day.

No, that... that
wouldn't bother us.

We'd just arrest a
couple of people in line

and take their places, right?

Say, Hoppy, my man, let's
go down to the Rib Shack.

All right.

Oh, that's a good idea.

Where... where is that place?

GRADY: ♪ Oh, just follow
The yellow brick road ♪

♪ Follow The yellow brick road ♪

♪ Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the yellow brick road ♪

Yeah, you know,

I saw that movie the
other night on television.

That lovely little girl
and her dog, Tito.

No, no. That's Toto.

Oh, yeah, that little girl,
Toto, and her dog, Tito.

Oh, well, say,

if you fellas don't hurry up,

you're gonna miss
your meal down there.

You know, Mr. Wilson,

you gotta give me the
recipe for that mint jibble.

Yeah, now, that's a
mellow drink, Jack.

Yeah, well, I'm certainly
glad you fellas came by.

Yeah, it was the
high point of our day.

Right out.

Right on.

No, I meant right outta here

and right over to the Rib Shack,

because I am starving.

Great spirit food.

Soul food.

Oh, yeah, soul food.

♪ Follow, follow, follow, follow
Follow the yellow brick road ♪

Say, Hoppy, I think
you'd better let me drive.

Well, that's fine with me.

I was gonna just jog along
beside the car anyway

for a little exercise.

Yeah, good luck, you two,

and I hope you don't
get arrested by the police.

Aren't we the police?

Hey, Lamont, you know what?

I think you were right...
Right about the wild parsley.

Yeah, and then again,

it could've been those
mint jibbles, Grady.

They did finish off
quite a few of them, man.

Yeah.

Hey, what's that I smell?

I don't know, but it's
coming from the kitchen.

I... I put... I put the dishes
in the, in the dishwasher.

Ronald, we don't
have a dishwasher.

Then they baking in the oven.

Well, just look on the
bright side of it, Grady.

At least we don't have to
worry about getting' busted.

I... I... I don't know how
to tell you this, Lamont,

but there's another bowl
of salad in the refrigerator.

Oh, no.

Hey, look what I
found in the refrigerator.

Look, you get
rid of this, Grady,

and I'm gonna take
Ronald out there

and walk him around
until I clear his head up,

then I'm gonna walk you to
the bus stop. Come on, Ronald.

I've got to get rid
of the evidence.

[LOUD KNOCKING]

Uh-oh, it's the police.
They come back.

What am I gonna
do with the evidence?

Esther.

What are you holding
there, you old sinner?

It's your dinner...

and I beg you to stay.

Now, you sure you don't want

something to drink with this?

No, thank you, Grady dear.

Oh, well, I think I'll have
me a little drinky winky.

Don't you know that alcohol
is a lubricant for the devil?

Sure do, and I'm just
about due for an oil change.

When did you say
Lamont would be back?

He didn't say,

but he should be dropping
in before you be flying out.

My, this is delicious.

Oh, yeah?

Are ya... Are ya
getting hungrier?

Why should I be
getting hungrier?

I'm getting fuller, Grady.

Oh, oh, well, why...

Why don't ya take
a big mouthful?

Mm, this is delicious.

I bet you got about five or
six different ingredients in here.

Well, you got that right.

Onions.

Yeah.

Celery, lettuce.

Sure.

Wild parsley.

Did you say wild parsley?

Sure, I said wild parsley.

I mean, you taste
wild parsley in there?

I sure do.

Now, are you sure you do?

Positive.

I've loved wild parsley
ever since I was a child.

Oh, yeah?

Well, now, that's
all I wanted to know.

I hope ya love walking,

because it's time
for you to do some.

Thank you for dropping
in, now drop out.

I should've known.

I should've known, Grady Wilson.

I don't know how I
let you sucker me

into staying here this long.

I came to visit my nephew.

Instead, I visit the devil.

I talked with the devil.

I sat with the devil.

I ate of the devil's food,

and I'm getting
the devil outta here.

Oh, well, it was
wild parsley after all.

That's pretty good, too.

Mm.

Hey, Grady, what are you doing?

Oh, I'm just
finishing up this...

the evidence.

Are you crazy?

What are you doing?

A man your age
eating that stuff.

Well, now wait.

I just thought it was
my responsibility

to look after you,

to make sure that
there was nothing

incriminating around here.

Look, Grady, I... I think
you'd better come over here

and sit down and rest.

Oh, no, I can't do that,

you see, because I gotta
clean up around here.

You were absolutely right.

I have been
neglecting my duties,

and it's time for
me to clean up.

I got to do the... The
mopping, the cleaning,

the dusting, and
take care of things,

and besides, I
gotta do it in a hurry

because I think I'm
getting the Munchkins.

Oh, no.

Look, Grady, you
just go ahead and rest.

I'll fix you something
to eat, okay?

Well, what about the dishes?

Look, just forget
about the dishes,

forget about the housework.

I'll take care of
everything, all right?

Now you just come
over here and sit down,

and... and... and make
yourself comfortable, okay?

Now, I'll take
care of everything.

Don't worry about
nothing, all right?

Just relax.

♪ If happy little bluebirds
fly Beyond the rainbow ♪

♪ Why can't I? ♪♪

[♪♪♪]