Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 3 - Fred, the Reluctant Fingerman - full transcript

Fred, fearing retaliation after witnessing a robbery at Julio's, is unwilling to get involved by describing the burglars to the police.


♪ Folks, here's a story
Of Minnie the Moocher ♪

♪ She was a low-down
Hoochie-coocher ♪

♪ She was the roughest
The toughest frail ♪

♪ But Minnie had a
heart As big as a whale ♪

♪ Hidey hidey hidey hi ♪

♪ Hidey hidey hi ♪

♪ Hodey hodey ho ♪

♪ Hodey hodey ho ♪

♪ Heedey heedey heedey ♪♪

Hello, son.

I was doing Cab Calloway.

He was good... and
good looking too.

His hair was dyed and
fried and laid to the side.

Hey, I bet you don't
know what this is.

Paint remover?

No, it's something you eat.

Oh, stomach remover.

You keep talking like that

and I ain't going
to give you none.

See, this is a special blend of
Swiss cheese and guacamole.

I call it "Holy Moly."

How did you ever come up

with a combination like that?

It's from an old recipe book

handed down through
generations of Sanfords.

See, you're supposed to serve
it with sauteed mule spleen.

There's no such thing.

Maybe that's why
they passed it down,

because I couldn't
find no mule spleen,

so I'm...

I'm serving it with,
uh, potato chips.

Taste it.

Oh, no.

You lapped in it.

I didn't lap in it.

You're always lapping
in the stuff you make.

But I didn't lap
in the Holy Moly.

All right, then
you sniffed in it.

It's just as bad.

I didn't lap in it,
and I didn't sniff in it.

Now here, taste it.

No, that's too much.

I can't eat all that.

Yeah, taste it.


Hey, that's not bad, but how
come you made so much?

Oh, this ain't much.

This is just enough to, uh,

last for about two
and half hours,

straight through the movie

we're going to watch tonight.

You know that movie?

The Mushroom People

Meet the Monsters from Mars.

See, that's that movie

where the people eat mushrooms

and two hours later,

they turn into mushrooms,

and then... and
then another part

is when the monster from
Mars is driving all around,

trying to find out where the
mushroom people are living,

because he got a tank full
of oil and vinegar dressing...

I-I-I know, Pop.

That was... It's, it's...

It's a good movie.

That's not what I
want to see tonight.

I've seen it seven times.

It was a great movie,

but I don't want
to see it again.

You don't?


Well, what do you want to watch?

You want to watch wrestling,

or you want to watch the
Roller Derby? Or Rev. Ike?

Pop, I don't want to
watch no TV at all tonight.

I'm not even going to be here.

That's what I've
been trying to tell you.

Julio wants to shoot
some pool tonight

and he asked me
if I'd go with him.

Yeah, but you promised me

you'd come watch some
Mushroom People with me.

I know I did,
Pop, and I'm sorry,

but Julio asked me,
and I told him I'd go.

Well, what's more important,

you going to shoot
pool, or sitting here

watching Mushroom
People with me?

I mean, what if something
happens while you're gone?

You know, with my bad
heart and my arthritis.

Pop, every time I
want to go out with Julio

and have some fun,

you always say the same thing.

"What if."

Now, I am going out
to shoot pool with Julio

and that's all there is to it,

and I'm going in there
to make me a sandwich.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute.

I want to tell you something.

You don't know like I know.

See, uh... what you've got to do

is stop hanging out
with Julio so much.


Because you might pick up

some of his bad habits.

What bad habits?

Well, haven't you
noticed how he talk...

talk funny?

Pop... Pop, that's an accent.

He speaks English
with a Spanish accent.

So what?

So I'm worrying why you
should hang out with him,

pretty soon, you're going
to be talking just like him.

It's bad enough listening
to Julio talk with an accident,

but you with an accent...

that'd be ridiculous.

Instead of saying "shoes,"
you'll be saying "choos."

"I'm going to put
on my 'choos'."

Yeah, well, I wouldn't
worry about it, Pop,

because once you
talk English good,

can't nobody change it.

And that's another reason too

that you shouldn't
hang out with Julio.

See, because Puerto Ricans

are social climbers,

and Julio got to be
in awful bad shape

to pick you to climb with.

Why don't you just come
on out and admit it, Pop?

The only reason you don't
want me to be friends with Julio

is because you're prejudiced.

Well, it's not
prejudice as much as

I'm against people
that aren't American.

And what is that
supposed to mean?


Like, Americans have pet dogs.

Julio's got a pet goat.

Now, if...

if Julio is American, how
come he ain't got a pet dog?

Well, how come you
don't have a pet dog?

Are you kidding?

And let him mess up my
good imitation Persian rugs?

Why don't you just stop it?

I ain't stopping nothing.

I'm just telling you the truth.

Hey, man, don't
finger my bologna.

First you sniff in the dip,

and now you flap my bologna.

Well, how you going to
flap it unless you finger it?

If it needs fingering,
I'll use my own.

Now, if you finger
somebody else's bologna,

you should eat it.


That's right.

Well, if you say so.

Give me my sandwich.



Hey, Lamont, you ready to go?

Yeah, come on in, Julio.

Hey, man.

Hey, Julio.

Hey, Mr. Sanford.

Lamont and I are going
to "choot" some pool, man.

Uh, could you say that again?

I said Lamont and I are
going to "choot" some pool.

You hear that, Lamont?

You and Julio are going
to "choot" some pool,

and if you're going
to "choot" some pool,

you ought to go put
on your new "choos."

Hey, fantastic, man.

That's real nice. You
got some new "choos"?


Hey, listen, why don't
you go with us, man?

No, no, no, no, no.

He doesn't want to go.

How do you know I don't?

You've got heart
trouble, remember?

That's all the more reason

to do some pool playing
before the big one hits.

You also have arthritis.

Yeah, but when
arthritis hits me,

it bends this finger down

to a little peephole,

and I just slide the
cue stick in there.

Come on, man.

Let's go.

See you later, Mr. Sanford.

That's right.

Go on and leave and have fun.

Leave the old people
to live alone in fear,

with our bad hearts
and aching bones

and worn-out bodies.

Everything is worn-out on you

except on your mouth.

Everything is worn-out
on me except this.

I'll give you some of
this across your lips.

I hope when you're
"chooting," you miss.

Well, anyway, I have all
the Holy Moly to myself.

Oh, no!

No, don't... Get
out of my Holy Moly!

Get out of here.

That dumb Puerto Rican.

He should have tied
you up in your own yard.

Get on over here
and stay over here,

and don't come
back in here no more.

And, and, and if you
want something to eat,

eat them empty Frito
bags laying down there.

A goat in the house.


That goat again.

I don't want this
kind of trouble here.

All right, Mr. Goat.

That's all she wrote.

I'm going to tie you up
and throw the knot away.


Hey, what you two
guys doing over there?

MAN 1: None of your
business, old man.

Listen, I'll make
it my business.

What are you doing over there?

Like they say in Washington,

"You don't know

and you don't want to know."

And they also say,

"When the going gets
tough, the tough get going,"

and you better get
going before I get tough.

Just cool it, old man.
Everything will be all right.

It ain't going to be all right
until you put that stuff down.

That don't belong to you.

Put that stuff back.

MAN 2: You want it put back?

Come on over
here and put it back.

You don't scare me.

I'll come over there and
teach you guys something.

I got something
pointed right at you

that says you can't.

Class dismissed.

MAN 1: That's right.

Get on back in the
house and shut up.

I'm going.

Move! Move!

I'm moving. I'm moving!

I'm going!

I'm going! I'm gone!

You guys don't scare me none!



All right, hold 'em up!


Don't shoot! Don't shoot!

Hey, what are you trying to do,

scare me to death?

I'm sorry, Pop.

Lamont, Lamont, man,
I've just been robbed.


Yeah, I was robbed, man.

Well, let's call the police.

No, man, I did that.

What did they take?

Oh, lots of stuff, man.

Right out of my yard, man.

My tools, my electrical
equipment, my, my...

Oh, everything, man.

They took it all,

and the worst part of it, man...


They stole your goat? Yeah.

That's, that's terrible.

You slept through
that whole thing?

I didn't say I slept
through the whole thing.

If you didn't, tell
us what you heard.

Yeah, and what did
you see, Mr. Sanford?

Did you see them take Chico?

I didn't know they
were taking Chico.

Yeah, but did you see
who broke into my place?

Yeah, I saw them
and I talked to them.

If you saw them
and talked to them,

tell us what happened, Pop.

Well, I heard this
noise in the yard,

and I ran down and
saw these two guys

and I said, "Hey, what
are you doing over there?"

and one guy said,

"You don't know, and
you don't want to know."

Oh, man,

but Mr. Sanford, did you
get a good look at them?

Yeah, I got a good look at them.

Do you think you
could recognize them

if you saw them again?

Sure, I can recognize them.

Man, That's fantastic.

I've got a witness.

I'm going to call the police

and tell them
I've got a witness.

If we've got a witness,

they'll be able to
get Julio's goat back.

That's good. Real good.

That's fantastic, man.

Hello, Police? Yeah,
this is Julio Fuentes.

Yeah, I called you
before about the robbery?

Yeah, right, right.

Listen, I've got a witness.

A man saw the crooks and
he can identify them for you.

Yes. Yeah, here,
I'll let him tell you.

Go on.

Go ahead, Pop, take the phone.

Tell the cops what you saw.

I ain't getting
involved in this.

Come on, man.

Are you kidding?

No, I'm not kidding.
I ain't seen nothing.

You said you saw
and heard everything.

Listen, to the best
of my recollection,

at this point in
time, forget it.

Look, Pop, all you've got to do

is describe those
guys to the police.

If you identify them, man,

they will go to jail.

That's... Yeah, they go to jail

and have more
time to think of what

they're going to do to me

when they get out.

But we've got to
do something, man.

Well, do like I do.

Live and let live.

I've been doing
that all my life,

living and letting,

and the more you
let, the longer you live.


I don't understand that, Pop.

It's... Hey, Smitty, Hoppy.

We saw your lights.

We figured Julio was over here.

We're responding to
the alleged burglary

at the... the Fuentes residence.

No, no, look, it's
not alleged, man.

My goat was robbed.

Easy, easy, caballero.

When, uh...

When did you first
become aware of the theft?

When I got home tonight.

Chico was not there to meet me,

and he's always there
when I come home,

and when he wasn't there,


Por favor, senor.

Could you, uh...

Could you se
habla a little slower?

Look, my goat was a-stolen.

"Goat was a-stolen."

Would it...

Would it make a difference
if we had a witness?

It might make all the
difference. You got a witness?

We sure do. Pop!

Mr. Sanford, please,
you saw the whole thing.

Please tell them
what happened, huh?

Tell them what you saw.

Yeah, what did you see, Fred?

Yeah, what did you see?

We'll handle the
interrogation, son.

This is our territory.

Uh, what did you see?

Uh, two guys... I
heard this noise.

I heard someone out in the
yard, and these two guys out there.

"Say, what are you
guys doing out there?"

and one of them said,

"You don't know, and
you don't want to know,"

and if you know me, you
know that's all I know...

you know?

What'd they look like, Fred?

I don't know.

But you said you knew, Pop.

I know, but now I don't know.

Come on, Fred, tell us.

Now, if there's a gang

operating in the neighborhood,

next time it could be you.

I know, and if I tell on them,

I'm making sure
that would be me.

Mr. Sanford, you know
it is your duty to tell.

That's right, Mr. Sanford,

and you don't have
anything to worry about.

The law will protect you.

The law is always around.

Well, where was the law

when they were
robbing Julio's yard?

Uh, do you know?

No, I don't know, but, uh,

let me put it another way.

No, wait, please, wait. Let me.

Look, Mr. Sanford.

Please, look, put
yourself in my place, huh?

Think of how you would feel

if you had a dog, a
dog that loved you,

one that gave you
affection and comfort

and asked for nothing in return

but the chance to show you

that love and affection,

and then one day, pff.


Your dog is gone.

He has been stolen.

Wouldn't that break your heart?

That's why I don't have no dog.


Well, let me put it
another way, Mr. Sanford.

Uh, you'd be doing
those criminals a favor

by turning them in.

A favor?

That's right.

You'd give them the
opportunity to be rehabilitated.

And you'd give
me the opportunity

to be decapitated.

Okay, Fred, we get the message,

but if you change your
mind, give us a call.

We'll see you later.

Mr. Sanford, I just
have one thing to say.

I'm very, very
disappointed in you.

Yeah, and that
goes double for me,

because you're the one

who's always running around here

spouting the golden rule.

Yeah, that's right.

My Bible says, "Do unto others

as you would have
others do unto you."

And my Bible says,
"Don't do unto others

"if they ain't done
nothing to you,

because you might
get done in doing it."

How can you live with yourself?

Same way I live with myself

when you leave me all alone.

I've got look out for myself,

and that's what
I'm going to do now.

I'm going upstairs

and get me some beauty sleep.

When I was a kid,

you was the one
that always told me

to love thy neighbor.

I didn't know the neighborhood
was going to change this fast.


♪ What kind of fool am I? ♪

♪ Da da da dee-dee ♪

♪ La da-da dee dee-dee ♪

♪ Lee-dee-dee ♪

♪ What kind of fool am I? ♪♪

Hey, Pop, I'm up.

Where's my breakfast?

One breakfast coming up!



Oh, hi, Smitty.

Uh, yeah, hold on
a second. I'll see.

Hey, Pop?


Uh, Smitty on the phone.

He wants to know

if you'll come down
to the station house.

He's got some guys
he wants you to look at.

♪ What kind of fool am I? ♪

Did you hear what I said, Pop?

What should I tell him?

He's waiting.

Maybe you didn't
hear me the first time.

I said it clear as I could.

♪ What kind of fool am I? ♪

Hello, Smitty?

No, he's not going to do it.

Okay, I'll keep trying.


You're never going
to change your mind

about identifying those guys

to the police, are you?


Well, can't you see how upset

this whole thing
has made Julio, Pop?

Look, son.

Into each life
some rain must fall.

Better that it fall on Julio.

Eat your breakfast, son.


but why don't you go
get the newspapers?

One newspaper coming up.

♪ What kind of lips are these? ♪

♪ Ooh doo-doo-doo-doo-doo ♪

♪ And dee-dee-dee dee
dee-dee dee-dee dee-dee ♪♪

Oh, no!

Lamont! Lamont!

The truck!


The truck is gone.

The truck?

Somebody stole the truck.

Oh, no.

I think I'm going
to have a big one.

Hey, Pop... Hey,
Smitty was right, man.

There's probably a
whole gang of them

working this neighborhood,

but if they stole
the truck last night,

they had to make some noise.

Now, did you hear anything?

I didn't hear nothing.

Well, maybe Julio
heard something.

I'll see. Julio! Hey, Julio!

How are you going to make
your pick-ups without a truck?

How can we run a
business without a truck?

I don't know. This is the end.

Hey, what's the matter?

What happened?

Julio, somebody stole our truck.

We were robbed.

Oh, so that's what
they took, huh?

What do you mean,
"That's what they took?"

You heard them?

Sure I heard them, yeah.

I should have suspected
when I saw them.

Ave Maria... You saw them?

I saw them right here,
and I said to them,

"What are you doing
in Mr. Sanford's yard?

Get out of there."

and they said,

"You do not know and
you do not want to know."

Hey. Hey.

That's the same...

It must be the same gang.

That's the same thing
they told you, wasn't it?

Did you get a look at them?

Sure, I saw them plain as day.

I'd recognize them anywhere.

You can recognize them?


Did you hear that, Lamont?


Julio can recognize them.

That'll be a great
help to the police.

Wait a minute. I'll be back.

I'll call the police.

They took my truck.

Took my truck.

Julio, I'm glad that
you can identify them.

That'll be a big help.

Absolutely, Mr. Sanford.

Yeah, right away.

Hello, police?

This is Fred Sanford.

Please send Officer
Hopkins and Office Smith

over to my house.

Somebody stole my truck,

and I've got a witness
that can identify them.

Yeah, right away.

Thanks a lot.

What's that... What's that mean?

Ah, that is my new motto...


Uh, what does that mean?

I ain't describing nobody.

You've got to.

You know the guy took my truck.

Yeah, I know I know
that, but they might...

If I tell on them,

they might decide to come back

and run me over with it.

I don't want to be
run over by a truck!

Especially a stolen truck.

No, wait a minute.

See, if you tell on them,

then they won't have a truck

to run over you with.

That's true, but, maybe
the guys that stole the truck

want to get started
in the junk business.

I mean, I don't
want to deprive them

of equal opportunity.

You might accuse me

of being prejudiced
or something.

No, no, no, Mr. Sanford.

Wait a minute.

What are you talking about?

What are you talking about?

You didn't identify the
guys that stole my goat.

Why should I identify the
guys that stole your truck?

That's right.

Why should he identify the
guys that stole your truck?

Well, see, a truck is
more important than a goat.

Well, not to me.

Not to him.

And besides, I can
haul junk in my truck.

A goat can't do that.

Ah, but my goat gives me milk,

and I can drink it or
make cheese out of it.

Now, a truck can't do that.

A truck can't do that.

Excuse me, is there
an echo in here?

Now, look, each thing is
important in its own way.

Instead of standing up here

arguing about
which is important,

why don't we just wait
till the police get here,

and you can both
do some identifying,

and that way, we'll get
everything back where it belongs?

If he will, I will.

I will think about it.

You'll think about it?

But you know the
guy that got my truck.


I'm going to take my
time thinking about it.

Hold on!

Hey, we got here
as soon as we could.

Officer Smitty, Office Hoppy.

Listen, I'm glad you got here,

because Julio
can identify the guy

who stole my truck, right Julio?

Not until you identify

the guys that stole my goat.

You go first.

No, no, no, you go first.

Will you tell them
what the guys look like

that stole Julio's goat?

We'll take it from here, Lamont.

What did the guys look like

who stole Julio's goat?

Uh, well, one guy
was tall and skinny

and had on a windbreaker

and the other guy
was short and fat

and had on a sweater.

You know,

that sounds like
those two suspects

we have apprehended and detained

pending felony charges.

You got the guys
that stole my goat?

If Fred can put
them on the scene,

it's only a matter of time

before we get everything back.

Hey, that's fantastic.

Did you hear that?

I'm going to get Chico back!


Okay, okay, okay.

Now get to identifying
the guy who took my truck.

Thanks a lot for coming,
Hoppy and Smitty.

Nobody's leaving here

until Julio gets to identifying
the people who took my truck.

Well, that is not going to
be necessary, Mr. Sanford.

You see, your
truck wasn't stolen.

No, I parked it on the
other side of Julio's house.

We wanted to teach you a lesson.

It was just a practical joke

to show you how it feels

to be the one who gets robbed.

Looks like they put
one over on you, Fred.

Yeah, I guess it all
ended in a good laugh.

Even though, you
know... these, uh...

these practical jokes

can end in serious accidents.

Well, looks like
we can go, Hoppy.

Yeah, we'll scoop you later.

Dig you later.

Dig you later.

Hasta Luigi.

Well, I'm going to
go get the truck, Pop,

and I'll be right back.

Hey, Julio,

that sure was a dirty
trick y'all played on me.

Oh, no, Mr. Sanford.

We just wanted to teach
you a lesson, that's all.

But if anything really happened,

I would be the first one

to go to the police right away

and tell them everything I saw.

I guess I'd do the same thing

if it happened to you,

but let's hope it don't
happen no more.

Oh, man, believe me...
Hey, Pop, guess what.


The truck, it was really stolen.

Someone really stole our truck!

My truck is really stolen!

Hoppy! Smitty!

It's gone.

Police! Help!



Hey, man, it's a good thing

that Mushroom People
movie was on again tonight.

After a day like we had, man,

it's good just to sit home
and watch television, isn't it?

Yeah, and since you parked
my truck in a tow-away zone

and it cost me
$17.50 to go get it,

that's about all we can
afford to watch, is TV.

I'm really sorry, Mr. Sanford.

I'm sorry it cost you so
much to get your truck back.

Listen, sorry don't put
no money in my pocket

nor food on my table.

Listen, I'll tell you, I'm so
happy to get Chico back,

I will pay you the $17.50, huh?

Let's have it.

I mean, I can't pay you in cash,

but I will pay $17.50
worth of goat's milk.

I mean, you can drink
it or make it into cheese

or use it to make Holy Moly.

The Holy Moly.

I forgot the Holy Moly.

Hey, the Holy Moly...

Get away from the Holy Moly!


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.