Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 2 - Libra Rising All Over Lamont - full transcript

Stressed out and feeling that there is no direction in his life, Lamont consults an astrologist to help his sort out this confusion. Based on his rising sign she advises him to establish peace and harmony in his day to day life... even with his father. It is at that very moment that Fred thinks that he is dying after eating eight-day old collard greens that have given him indigestion. Aunt Esther and her church sisters rally around him trying to save is mortal soul from damnation because they think he has a short time to live. Lamont discovers some vital information about the time of his birth that he takes back to Miss Audrey and she informs him that he is to be the aggressor in his home. With that, Lamont demands that Fred snap out of his hypochondriac state and get to the business of getting some work done around the house.


To be perfectly honest with you,

Miss Audrey, I never
took astrology serious

until my friend Rollo

told me how much
you've helped him,

and I thought

maybe you could do
the same thing for me.

You see, I'm in
a rut, a deep rut.

What do you do, Lamont?

Uh, I'm in commodities.


My brother-in-law is in
the junk business too.

What do you want to do, Lamont?

Well, I was hoping I'd
know more about that

once I find out what
my true personality is.

How do we go
about finding that out?

Well, I need some
specific information.

Do you have a birth certificate

I can look at?

No, I don't have
a birth certificate,

but I've got all the information

written down here
on this piece of paper.

See, I copied it out
of the family Bible.

Let's see.

You were born
September 27, 1940.


That makes you a Libran,

and your time of
birth is 5:50 a.m.

That means your
rising sign is also Libra,

making you a double Libran.

This means

that you should strive for
harmony and equilibrium.

"Peace" is the key word for you.

Peace and harmony or
peace of mind or what?

All of that.

I mean, you shouldn't
even argue with anyone

if you can help it.

Not at all.

You don't have to haggle
a lot on your job, do you?

No, my problem is more
at home with my father.

I got the kind of father

that would worry the smile
off the face of Mona Lisa.

Well, you're going
to have to find a way

to be more agreeable
with your father.

Yeah, I wish I knew how.

My father,

he's always arguing
with everybody

and he's stubborn and contrary

and he's always
calling me a dummy.

Up until the time that
I was six years old,

I thought my name
was Dummy Sanford.

You see, Miss Audrey,
my father's getting old,

and the older he gets,
the crankier he gets.

Well, you've got
a serious problem.

A serious problem.

You're a double Libran.

Libra is the scales,

balance, harmony, equilibrium.

If you're constantly arguing,
you can't help but be in a rut.

You're living

in direct contradiction
to yourself.

I am, huh?


You're never

going to get your life together

until you start

establishing peace and harmony,

especially in your home.

With my father?

With your father.

Lord, give me strength.

It's the real thing this time,

ain't it, doc?

That's why I
called the hospital.

I got here as fast as I could.

You know, you look kind
of young to be a doctor.

You sure you're a doctor?

No, I'm in residence,

but I will be a
doctor in six months.

Well, I can't wait that long.

You might as well go
and finish examining me,

since you're in my residence.

Where do you feel the pain?

All up and down, doc.

I feel like an elephant's
standing on top of me...

with those spiked golf shoes,

figuring to tee off.


It's my heart, ain't it, doc?

Mr. Sanford, relax.

Your heart seems
to be perfectly normal.

In fact, I'd say
that what you have

is probably no more serious

than the run-of-the-mill,
garden variety gastritis.

It's probably just
something you ate.

What did you have for lunch?

I didn't have no lunch, doc.

I was too sick to eat.

Did you eat breakfast?


What did you have?

I had waffles and ham hocks

and candied sweet potatoes

and peach cobbler
and collard greens.

Well, that's a very
unusual breakfast,

Mr. Sanford.

A man your age
should start off the day

with something lighter.

Well, I do, but,
see, it was the last

of the eight-day-old
collard greens,

and I had to get rid of them,

because they were
smelling up the house.

Eight-day-old greens?


Well, what you're suffering

is severe gas pains

and a bad case of indigestion.

You wouldn't lie to
me, would you, doc?

I mean, you know,

some doctors won't
tell their patients

how bad off they are,

because he don't
want to scare them,

and the next thing you know,

you go to sleep
and wake up dead.

All you have is a very
bad stomach ache.

It should clear up by tomorrow,

and you'll be
your old self again.

Thanks a lot.

Just come here a minute, doc.


Would you like a glass
of Ripple before you go?

Ripple. What's that?

If you've got to ask questions,
you couldn't be one of us.

I just thought maybe, you
know, you might be trying to pass.

Hey, what's that
ambulance doing over there?

Is something wrong
with my father?

Oh, nothing serious.

I'm Dr. Stewart.

You're Mr. Sanford's son?

Yeah, yeah.

He just has a very
bad case of gas

and acute indigestion.

It seems he ate

some eight-day-old
collard greens

for breakfast

and they didn't agree with him.

Eight-day-old collard greens
wouldn't agree with Superman.

I told him to get
rid of them things.

They had the whole house

smelling like a
pot-liquor factory...

and he ate them.

That was stupid.

Well, look, in any case,

he's really not in any
mood to be chastised,

so it might be a good idea

to sort of just go easy on him.

Don't worry.

Look, there'll be no chastising.

You got me at the right time.

From here on in,

there's going to be
nothing but self-discipline

in that house,
self-discipline and control,

and I've got the
discipline to do it.

Oh, that's nice.

Are you a Zen Buddhist?

No, I'm a double Libran Baptist.

Well, anyway, he
should stay off his feet

for the next day
or two, at least until

the stomach problem clears up.

All he probably needs
is just one big belch.

Is there anything I
should do for him?

Just stand back.


Hey, Pop, how're you feeling?

I'm a little sick, son.

I know. I saw the
doctor on the way in

and he told me.

He did? What did he tell you?

It's bad, ain't it?

Well, no.

Why do you say that?

Why are you smiling at me
like Bela Lugosi or something?

Can't I smile at my own father?

Why are you starting today?

It's serious, ain't it?

Look, Pop,

if there was anything
seriously wrong with you,

you know I'd tell you.

Sure you would...
just to see me suffer.

I don't want to see you suffer.

You're my father and I love you.

No, you don't. Yes, I do.

No, you don't.

If you did, you'd
have sympathy pains.

You mean to tell me

you want me to be sick
just because you're sick?


I don't want to suffer
here all by myself.

A family that's sick
together, sticks together.

That's the most ridiculous thing

I've ever heard in my life.

You ought to be
ashamed of yourself,

and I'm not going to
stand up here and...

There you go again.

Look like Dracula.

I'm going to go upstairs

and put some fresh
linen on your bed, Pop.

For what?

I just changed it a week ago.

You'll rest better
with fresh linen,

and as long as
I'm going up there,

I'll take the TV set.

You might as well be entertained

while you recuperate.

Yeah, be entertained

while I spend my
last days on earth.

If I die,

I hope it's in the
middle of a commercial.

You're talking ridiculous, Pop.



Who is it?

It's me, Fred.


Well, let yourself in, Grady.

The door's open.

I just thought I'd stop by
since I was passing this way

to check... Good goobly-woo.

What's wrong...
What's wrong with you?

You look like you're half-dead.

I'm a little sick, Grady.

That's why I had the doctor
come here a little while ago.

What did he say
was wrong with you?

He didn't say too much to me,

but he talked to
Lamont out in the yard

and I'm sure he
told Lamont the truth.

That's why he came
in here acting weird,

and he tried to be nice to me.

I think it's the big
one this time, Grady.

I think the big one is
sneaking up on me.

Well, I hope not, Fred.

You're one of the few
live friends I got left.

Wadell Jackson died last week.

Oh, no.

What was wrong with him?

I don't know.

He just dropped dead at the bar.

Hadn't been
drinking but an hour,

and he was only 64.

Younger than you.

Yeah, I guess I'm
living on borrowed time,

and Lamont knows it too.

You can tell, when your kids

start treating
you nice like that.

Know where he's at now?

Out buying a black suit?

No, Grady.

He's upstairs,
making up the bed,

so I go up there
and get some rest,

and Grady, I know if
I go up those stairs,

I ain't coming
back down no more.

They'll have to bring you
down for the funeral, Fred.

No, dummy.

I'm talking about
alive, and besides,

what are you doing,

talking to me like that,

if I'm a friend of yours?

I'm sorry, Fred.

I wasn't thinking.

Where'd you say the pain was?

All around in here.

You don't have a bad stiffness

in your back, do you?

Yeah, right between
my shoulder blades.

Why, Grady? What's that mean?

You got the same symptoms
my cousin Charles had.

What did he take for it?

His last breath.

They found him
lying out on the bed,

just like that.

Couldn't even get his socks off.

Hey, Pop, your bed is ready.

This is it, Grady.

I'm going to walk
this last mile, Grady.

See, all them other times,

I was rehearsing for this time,

because this is the big one.

Next stop, heaven.

At least, I hope it's heaven,

because if it ain't,

it'll be a long way back
walking down that other way.

Bye-bye, Fred.


♪ Hey, hey ♪

♪ Freddie's dead
Freddie's dead ♪

♪ Freddie's dead
Freddie's dead ♪♪


Good morning, Pop.

How are you
feeling this morning?

So-so, son.

So-so, and that radio
ain't helping none.

What's the matter?

Doesn't it work?

Yeah, it works too good.

Hey, see if you
can figure this out.


Is that good or bad?

That's normal.

98.6 is the ideal temperature

for your body to be.

For what?

For living.

Oh, that's my mouth that's 98.6.

What about the rest of me?

Look, Pop, I didn't come
in here to argue with you

or get you upset.

I wanted to know if
you were comfortable

and to find out what
you want for breakfast.

Oh, I don't think I'm
taking the chance

on putting anything
in my stomach yet.

Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

Don't tell me that's a Bible.

What do you think it is?

What's wrong with that?


It's just that I ain't
never seen you

that close to one before.

I ain't never felt this close to
the ones who wrote it before.

Say, Pop, aren't
those some pictures

when you were a lot younger?

Yeah, you know,

I just got the urge
to look at them.

A lot of pictures in
here of your mother.

Some of these pictures in
here are over 30 years old.

I sure miss your mama, son.

Yeah, reminiscing can be nice.

It's sort of like
watching your life

flash before your
very own eyes, isn't it?

Why did you say that?


About watching my life
flashing before my very eyes?

I didn't mean nothing by it.

I was just making conversation.

I didn't mean nothing by it.

If you didn't
mean nothing by it,

then why did you say it, dummy?

It'd be my luck to spend
my last days on earth

with a dumb dummy.

Listen, dummy,

didn't you hear me
call you a dummy?

You're even too dumb
to know how get mad

when I call you a
dummy... [KNOCKING]


I'll go see who that is, Pop.

Don't leave me, son.

I'll be right back.

I'm just going to
see... Don't leave me.

Just a second.


Just a second.

Hello, Aunt Esther. Come on in.

Hello, Lamont.

I'm sorry to hear
about your father.

I ran into Grady
Wilson, and he said

that Fred had one
foot in the grave

and the other foot
on a banana peel.

Aunt Esther,

the doctor was here
and he checked Pop out.

He'll be fine in a few days.

Then exactly what
is wrong with him?

Well, he ate some
eight-day-old collard greens

and they didn't agree with him.

Eight-day-old collard greens

wouldn't agree with Superman.

Where is he, in the bathroom?

No, Aunt Esther.

He's upstairs in the bedroom.

The doctor thought it
would be a good idea

if he stayed of his feet
until he recuperates.

Why don't you come
on up and visit with Pop?

I might as well.

Maybe I'll pray for him.

Lord knows he needs it.

Oh, that heathen Fred Sanford.

I just don't know...
Lord save him.

Hey, Pop, guess what?

The buzzards are
circling over the house.

No, you've got company.

Oh, no.

The head buzzard
is in the house.

Say, Pop, why don't you be nice?

Don't tell him nothing, Lamont.

He's going to have to pay

for all of his evilness
and nastiness.

Vengeance is
mine, saith the Lord.

What are you reading, Fred?

I ain't reading anything.

I'm looking at pictures.

Is it one of them

naked heathenish
women magazines?

No, Aunt Esther,
it's a photo album.

Pop's got some pictures in there

that were taken
before I was born.

He's got some pictures
of Mama in there too.

Oh, are there any
of me in there?

I've got a few in here

with the back of your
head, thank goodness.

Don't sit on my Bible now.

What are you doing
with a Bible, Fred?

Reading it.

Ain't it funny

how even the worst of heathens

try to get righteous

when they think
the Lord is about

to tap them on the shoulder?

Listen, Esther,
If I wasn't so sick,

I would give you one of
these across your ugly lips.

Who're you calling ugly, sucker?

I'm calling you ugly.

I could stick your
face in some dough

and make some gorilla cookies.

What's the matter with you two?

Why don't you stop it, huh?

I ain't did nothing.

She started it.

All right, then call a truce.

I thought you said

you wanted to look at
those pictures, Aunt Esther.

I do.

Oh, there's Elizabeth.

She was the prettiest
child my mother had.

She was the only pretty child

your mother had.

Hey, Lamont.

Come here, son.

This picture was taken
the day you were born.

We celebrated all that week

and the week after
and the week before.

Look at us, all laid
out dead drunk.

You were the only one

who was drunk, Fred Sanford.

You were so drunk

they had to give you
oxygen that evening

to wake you up

to let you know
Lamont had been born.

You mean, you didn't know I
was born until that evening?

He couldn't have known.

You weren't born till evening.

No, I wasn't.

Lamont, your memory is faulty,
and besides, I should know.

I was there.

Wait a minute. Why do you
say I was born in the evening?

Because you were.

It was almost 6:00.

Let me see this Bible a minute.


September 27th, 1940, 5:50 a.m.

Now, that's the
morning, Aunt Esther.

Let me see that.

That's Fred's old scribbling.

Fred, you were so drunk,

you even wrote
down the wrong time

when Lamont was born.

Well, I got the right
year and the right date.

Two out of three ain't bad.

No, for a drunk,
that's pretty good.

Then that means
I wasn't born at...

Wait a minute.

I'll see you later, Pop.

I've got to go see a lady

about something
really important.

Wait a minute, son.

I'll see you later.

Don't leave me, son.

That's the way
they do old Eskimos.

They throw them out
on a big block of ice

and let them float
out into the sea

until they freeze to death.

You're going to wish
you had a block of ice

where you're going.

Hello, Lamont. Come on in.

Thanks a lot, Miss Audrey.

What's the matter?

I don't have an appointment,

but this is an emergency.

I found out that I was
born at 5:50 p.m., not a.m.

Does that make a difference?

Oh, no.

I was afraid of that.

It's a wonder you haven't
developed high blood pressure.

Lamont, that means
your rising sign is Aries.

It is?

Aries rising.

Lamont, you're a born warrior.

I am? A general.


A commander.

I like that.

You should decide
on a course of action

and then do it.

I will.

Be assertive.


Don't let anyone sway you

or talk you out of your ideas.

I feel better already
just thinking about it.

Miss Audrey...

That's not part of the service.

Lamont... Speaking of service...

Bill me, mama.

Jive turkey.


Pastor Stackhouse.

Praise the Lord.


Oh, and Sister Simpson.


I'm so glad you
all could make it.

Sister Smith,

we wouldn't have
missed this for the world.

Good, because we're going
to need every available mouth

to pray that heathenish
Fred Sanford

back into good health... Amen.

And if that don't work,

he'll have one of the best
bon voyages of all times.

Where is he?

In the bedroom.

Let's go.

♪ Glory, glory ♪

♪ Hallelujah... ♪♪


"For whosoever

"shall call upon the
name of the Lord

shall be saved."

Help! Help!

Oh, Lord.

Behold your servant,
Fred Sanford, Lord.

Lord, soften his
heathenish heart

and still his profane
mouth that he may

better receive your
blessings, Lord.

Praise the Lord, say amen.

Amen. Amen. Amen.

♪ It's Fred, it's Fred
It's Fred, Oh, Lord ♪

♪ Standing in the
need Of prayer ♪

♪ It's Fred, it's Fred,
it's Fred, Oh, Lord ♪

♪ Standing in the
need Of prayer ♪

♪ Not his son But it's
Fred, Oh, Lord... ♪♪

Wait a minute, wait a minute,

wait a minute.

What's going on in here?

We're trying to pray your father
back into good health, we hope.

How do you feel, Father?

I don't feel too bad, son,

and when you left, I
stopped by the kitchen

and finished off
that potato salad.

Leftovers again, huh?

That's it. Get out of that bed.

Your gold-bricking
days are over.

Now, get out of that bed.

You wouldn't talk like that
to a dying man, would you?

No, I wouldn't.

You wouldn't talk like
that to a dying man.

You're not dying, and I'm
not going to argue about it.

You've got five
minutes to get out of bed

and get down in that
kitchen and fix supper,

and two of them
are already gone.

Now, get out of that bed.

I'm getting up, son.

Praise the Lord,
sisters. We did it.

♪ Praise him, praise him ♪

♪ Praise him in the morning
Praise him after noon ♪

♪ Praise him, praise him ♪

♪ Praise him, you and I ♪♪


I'll see you later, Pop.

I'm going jogging in the park.

Wait a minute, son.

Wait a minute. Come here.

Ain't you going to
watch NFL Action?

No, man, I'm going
jogging in the park.


Oh, hello, Aunt Esther.

Hello, Lamont.

Hello, Fred.


What's the matter
with you, Esther?

You crazy?

This is the Lord's
day, Fred Sanford.

No, it ain't.

This is Sunday.

This is the day I
watch NFL Action on TV

and let me tell you something.

If you don't get out
from in front of my TV,

there'll be some
action in this front room

You said if the Lord healed you,

you'd walk the straight
and narrow path,

and it's time to
take your first step.

Esther, because it's Sunday,

I'm not going to tell you
where I'm putting my first step,

but if you don't
get out of here,

I'm going to show you.

You're a heathen, Fred Sanford.

An old senile heathen,

and if you won't
come to the Lord,

I'll bring the Lord to you.

♪ Whosoever will Let
him come, let him come ♪

♪ Whosoever will, let him come ♪

♪ Oh, whosoever will Let
him come, let him come ♪

♪ I drink Of the water of life ♪

♪ Oh, whosoever will Let
him come, let him come... ♪♪


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.