Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 16 - This Land Is Whose Land? - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Are you going to
help me load this truck,

or are you just
going to sit there?

Well, since I got a
choice, I'll just sit here.

Come on, Pop. Help
me load the truck.

I would, son,

but do you know what I
woke up with this morning?

Yeah, you woke up this morning

with a little
touch of arthritis.

No, I woke up with a
big touch of arthritis,

and my hands locked.



Too bad your mouth doesn't lock.

You watch what you say to me,

because don't ever forget,

this... can turn into this...

And this is his twin brother.

Hey, Pop, I'm not
going to load this truck

all by myself.

Now, start picking
up and putting on.

Okay, okay.

Put that back.

You said you want me
to pick up and put on.

How am I going to
put on if I don't pick up?

Yeah, but not the tire.

Not the lamp either.



Not the tire, not the lamp?

No, pick up something else,

you see, because all
of this stuff is not ours.

Some of it belongs to Julio.

What's Julio's stuff
doing over here?

Well, he needed a place
to put some of his junk.

Well, how much of
this belong to Julio?

Well, let me see.

That's Julio's, that's ours,

that's Julio's, that's ours,

that's Julio's,
and this is ours.

I know which is which.

Yeah, but I don't,

and I want this
stuff out of here.

I mean, I might
accidentally sell

some Puerto Rican junk.

I might wind up selling it to
the guy it was stolen from.

Hey, Pop, Julio's
junk is not stolen.

Then why is he hiding
it over here in our yard?

I want it out of here.

What for? We've
got plenty of room.

But we won't have if
we don't stop it now.

That's how they move in.

A tire here, a lamp there,

and then you have a
big wide-rimmed hat

in your living room.

Then cockroaches
in your kitchen,

and pretty soon,

your whole house is
full of Puerto Rican.

I knew the real
reason would come out.

You're prejudiced.

You're never going
to get used to the idea

of Julio being our neighbor.

Well, Julio is our
neighbor and my friend,

and he's not doing
anything wrong.

But his junk is, and
I want it out of here,

and I'm going to tell him.

Hey, Julio!

Would you stop that?

Don't tell me to stop it.

Tell Julio to stop it.

He's the one who brought
this stuff over in my yard.

Hey, Julio!

Yeah, but it's not
hurting anything, man.

His junk is not
hurting anything.

His junk is making
our junk look like junk.

Hey, Lamont.

Hey, Ju.

Mr. Sanford, buenos días, huh?

And beans and disease to you.

Hey, listen,

what's your stuff doing
over here in my yard?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Look, I'm very sorry
about that, Mr. Sanford,

but there is a very
simple explanatíon.

What happened is

that I have been getting in
some big freezers and stoves,

and I've run out of
room over at my place,

so if you wouldn't mind,

I'd just like to leave
it here for a little while

and I would appreciate it mucho.

I don't want it here and I
want you to get it "outo."

Do you mind if I leave it
here for just one week, then?

Well, I'll be fair with you.

I'll give you one
week's free storage.

Hey, that's great.
Thank you, man.

And since your stuff's
already been here seven days,

your week is up.

Adios, amigo.

Hey, Pop, what are you making
a big deal out of nothing for?

Now, his stuff being in our yard

is not doing
anything wrong here.

Why don't you try being a
good neighbor for a change?

I am a good neighbor.

I respect the property line,

and that's what
good neighbors do.

Yeah, but Julio's got a problem.

I can't help it if
he's a Puerto Rican.

We got a problem too.

Listen, Mr. Sanford, I
don't want any trouble, man.

It's okay.

I will put my stuff back
on my own property, okay?

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

And you're another one.

And your mama.

Hey, what did you say, man?

I said, you're still in my yard.

Keep on moving
it. Move it on out.

Wait a second, man.

This is not your
yard. This is my yard.

My property comes
all the way over to here.

Wait a minute.

Let me explain something to you.

My property comes
all the way over to here.

Oh, no, no, no. You are
mistaken, Mr. Sanford.

My property comes
right over to here.

Look, Julio, I
lived in this house

before you ever
got to this country,

and I know my property
starts right over here.

Yeah, that's where I
always thought it was, Julio.

No, but I am positive, man.

When I bought the house,
the real estate man told me

that my line was 10
paces from the house,

which would put
it just about here.

All right, you pace
it off, then you'll see.

Look, it's okay, Mr. Sanford.

I will take your
word for it, okay?

I will move my stuff
further back, all right?

I don't want you to
take my word for it.

Pace it off, and then
we'll see who's right.

He said he'd take
your word for it.

I don't want him to
take my word for it.

I want him to pace it off
and let him see who is right.

Now, get to
pacing, there, Julio.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight, nine...

Hey, Julio, what
are you trying to pull?

I'm not trying to pull nothing.

I'm trying to
count off 10 paces,

but you're in the way, man.

Well, you're not pacing
good. You're still in my yard.

Something must be
wrong with your pacer.

Look, man, I didn't
get to 10 paces yet.

That's because you're wrong.

The real estate agent
probably said 10 feet,

not 10 paces.

See, that's what happens
when you're a foreigner,

come to this country

and ain't learn to
speak the English good.

What?

Oh, look, look. It's
not worth arguing over.

Now, what difference
does it make,

a few feet one way or another?

Because it's just the
principle of the thing.

That's what it is,

because this is his
land and this is my land.

I don't want nothing
of his on my land.

Nothing can move me
once I make my mind...

Holy!

Oh, no! Wait a minute.

Get that killer out of here.

Chico.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Come on, I'll take you home.

Yeah, you take him home.

Get him out of here,

and keep him out of my yard,
or else you won't have no goat.

I'll have me a
king-size goat burger!

And you,

these twins are
waiting to meet your lips.

[VEHICLE ARRIVES]

Hey, Pop, I'm home.

Hey, son.

I should have been
out there to stop you.

You've got to park the
truck out on the street.

Why?

Because I got a
surveyor coming here

to show me the property line,

so park the truck.

You mean you actually
called a surveyor?

I actually called a surveyor.

I'll let him show Julio

where the legal
property line is.

Move the truck, will you?

You're letting your prejudice
get the best of you, man,

and one of these days,
you're going to be sorry,

and don't forget I told you so.

And don't you
forget what I told you.

What?

Move the truck.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That's the surveyor now.

Get the door for me.

I don't believe
you... Mr. Sanford?

IN SPANISH ACCENT:
Mr. Sanford, you called for a surveyor?

Uh, what's your name?

Manuel Eduardo Esteban
Gonzales Y Rodriguez.

Oh, hell, I'm dead.

Excuse me?

Nothing.

Sit down, let me
ask you something.

Thank you.

Now, a survey
is a survey, right?

That is correct.

Well, let's just suppose
for the sake of supposing

that one of the guys involved
in this survey, his name was...

Well, let's just pick
a name at random.

Say his name was, uh, Fuentes.

Now, that would make
no difference in the survey,

would it?

Why should a person's
name make any difference?

Yeah, that's what I always say.

Why should a person's
name make any difference?

The legal boundary comes
from the county recorder.

It can not be changed.

That's good, Manny.
Hey, listen here.

Could I get you something?

Maybe a nice cold
glass of water?

Because we got
some good water here,

and you can drink it

and don't have to worry
about Montezuma's Revenge.

No, thank you.

Well, what do you say
if I send my son down

to get you some
tacos and burritos

and some of them enchiladas?

I used eat them all the
time at the bullfights.

Not me. I hate that
stuff. Gives me heartburn.

Now, Mr. Sanford,

if you will please sign
these authorizatíon papers,

I will proceed with the survey.

Where do you want me to sign?

Right over here.
This won't take long.

Okay.

"Mister..."

Period.

Thank you very much.

Listen, let me ask
you something.

Now, once we get the
legal line established,

and someone puts
some stuff on my property,

what can I do about it?

Anything you
want. It's your land.

You can even confiscate it.

You mean I can keep it?

You can keep it, sell it,
throw it away, whatever.

Well, listen.

What if the guy
that puts it there

comes over and tries to stop me?

You can have him
arrested for trespassing.

Really?

You know, me and you
habla each other pretty good,

don't we?

Yes.

Now, if you don't mind, I
have to get on with my work.

All right.

Take it easy, Manny baby.

Hey, son.

Did you find a somewhere
to park the truck?

I just hope Julio doesn't find
out about what you did, man.

It would be embarrassing
to have to tell him

that you called a surveyor.

Oh, listen, that's
just the beginning.

I'm going to have
him confiscated.

You can't do that.

Ooh.

If I catch him
trespassing on my land,

I can have him arrested.

If I happen to find
him trespassing,

I'll have him arrested
and confiscated.

I'll confiscate him.

Now, where are you
learning all these things from?

From the surveyor. He told me.

Listen, I don't
care what he said.

That stuff belongs to
Julio and you can't take it.

Don't tell me. I can...

If he's on my property,
I can confiscate that,

and then I can confiscate him

and after I confiscate
it, I'll coordinate it.

Yeah, Pop, but
that's not fair, man.

It is. It's all legal.

See, no man is above the
law unless he's president,

and then, it don't even work.

Well, I just hope you
don't ever need a favor

from Julio.

What are you talking about,
need a favor from Julio?

You must be kidding me.

What kind of favor
could I get from Julio?

What would I do, go
over there and borrow

a pair of them
pointy-toed shoes?

You know, you're really
a hard man, aren't you?

FRED: Oh, you don't
know what you're...

I'm all finished.

That will be $25.

Are you sharing the
cost with the other party?

No, I'm going to
pay it all myself,

and it'll be well worth it.

Oh, please.

There you go.

Thank you.

Now, listen.

Now that the legal
line's been established,

then everything's all legal?

That's right.

Mr. Sanford, be careful
not to knock over the stakes

or you will not know where
the true boundary line is.

Oh, yeah. Don't
kick over the stakes.

Let's see.

I don't see no stakes over here.

They're right over here,
on the boundary line.

The legal boundary
line is over here?

That's correct. This
is your property.

And what about all
this property over here?

This part is yours.

This belongs to
the other fellow.

Well, goodbye, and be
careful with the stakes.

Hey, wait a minute,
Manny. This can't be right.

Yeah, but it's legal,

and you better
come over here, Pop,

because you're
on Julio's property,

and he can have you
arrested for trespassing.

Or maybe he'll confiscate you.

And coordinate you.

Yeah, you'd better
come on over here, Pop.

Now you're on our property.

How do you like it?

Hey. Morning, Pop.

Morning, son. Sit down.

I got your newspaper
here for you to read.

I got you some good
coffee, just like you like it,

hot and black

and in your favorite
cup, with the crack in it.

Hey, why all the
special treatment?

No special treatment.

I just wanted to fix you a
good breakfast, that's all.

Here, here's some nice hotcakes.

Hey, with strawberry syrup.

Right. My favorite.

Here's some blueberry
muffins to munch on.

And I also got some ham hocks

and some grits and
some Rice-A-Roni beanie.

Hey, that's all my favorite
foods, and for breakfast.

Yeah, and for lunch,

we'll have chicken wings
and mustard greens.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

And Jell-o.

All right, okay, okay.

Now, why the royal treatment?

No royal treatment.

I just wanted to fix you a
nice breakfast, that's all.

No, that's not all.

Yes, it is.

Ain't no law

against me fixing
you a nice breakfast.

No, but there is a
law against bribery,

and that's what
you're trying to do.

You're trying to bribe me.

Who, me?

Why should I try to bribe you?

You ain't no vice-president.

You're trying to bribe me

so that I won't tell
Julio about the survey.

What survey?

Yesterday's survey,
and it's not going to work.

Listen, son,

come on over here and sit down,

and listen, remember this.

What a person don't
know can't hurt them,

you know what I mean?

Yeah, it means

that you don't want me to
tell Julio about the survey.

It means that you're asking
me to conceal evidence.

You're asking me to
take part in a cover-up.

I should move

to have you
impeached as my father.

Listen, it's my
survey, isn't it?

I paid for the survey

and I can do
whatever I want with it.

And what do you
want to do with it?

Nothing.

But, Pop, it's not right

to deprive a person
of his property, man.

Well, Julio didn't
think he owned nothing

in the first place,

and if he didn't
think he had nothing,

then he couldn't lose nothing,

and nothing plus
nothing equals nothing.

Now, go ahead,
son, eat your bribery.

I mean, your breakfast.

But, Pop, he's going
to know something

when he sees those stakes.

Don't worry about it.
He won't see the stakes.

And why not?

Because I got up last
night and moved them,

and now everything
is just like it was.

Wrong!

Huh?

Because I figured you'd
pull something like that,

and I got up early this morning

and put those stakes back
where they originally were.

You big dummy! What
did you do that for?

Because those stakes tell us
where the true property line is,

and we got to
live with the truth.

But we'll lose the yard.

Yeah, but we'll have
truth on our side.

I'd rather have the yard.

If you hadn't done
this in the first place

and called the surveyor...

It was all your fault.

You don't have
nothing to do with it.

I put the stakes out there,
I spent my own money.

Oh, you shut up.

I wish you'd just shut up.

You are the one...
Mind your own business.

Look at the truck.

Lookit. It must have
been the earthquake.

I didn't even feel it.

No, Pop, it wasn't
an earthquake.

When I put the stakes back,

I moved all our property.

I moved all our
stuff on our property,

and to get the truck in there,

I had to cram it upside
the house like that.

Well, look, the door is blocked.

Oh, look at the window.

Everything is blocked.

Oh, no, you big dummy!

What are you trying to
do, block the house off?

Yeah, well, it's your own fault.

If you hadn't have gotten greedy

and called that surveyor,

none of this would
have happened.

Yeah, but look,

we can't live
without a front door.

We got to go in and out.

Well, there's always
the back door.

Listen, I'm not going to
argue with you about it.

I'm just going to
move them stakes.

I'm going out the back door.

Wrong again.

What?

We can't use the
back door either.

Give me one reason why
I can't use the back door.

I'll give you two.

One, the back door is locked,

and two, I got the key.

Give me that key.

Never.

JULIO: Hey, Lamont,
what's going on, man?

Lay out of this. I'll
take care of this.

Hey, Lamont got the
truck parked like this

because he was drunk last night.

I was not.

See that? He was so smashed
he don't even remember.

I was not!

What is it, Julio?

I can't come in this way.
The truck's in the way!

Well, come in the back door.

Okay, I'll come around the back.

Hey, you big
dummy, wait a minute.

Hey, listen. Wait.

Don't say nothing to
Julio about the survey.

Well, I'm not
going to tell a lie.

I didn't ask you to tell a lie.

Just be quiet and let me do it.

Look, if you don't
tell him the truth, I will.

Listen... Hey, Ju.

Hey, Lamont. What's
going on, man?

Hey, Julio, good to see you.

Come right on in, son.

Sit down there. Have
a nice breakfast with us.

Breakfast?

You're inviting me
for breakfast? Sure.

That's a nice thing to
do, man. Muchos gracias.

No, we don't have no grass.

We don't have no grass,

but I could get you
some shredded wheat.

Great.

Now, that's a step in
the right direction, Pop.

Now, take another one
and tell Julio what you did.

I'm too busy fixing
Julio's breakfast.

All right, then, I'll tell him.

Look, Julio, this is
what happened, man.

Wait a minute. I'll
tell him, I'll tell him.

Look, Julio, you
remember yesterday

when I told you to get all
your stuff off my property?

Oh, yes, yes, yes,

and I want to tell
you that I am sorry

and I am moving
it all back today.

Listen, don't you
worry about that.

Just leave the
stuff where it is,

because I don't care.

It's just beautiful.
Just leave it right there.

This is what happened, Julio.

See, yesterday, he
came into the yard...

Listen, you ain't got to
say that. Eat a muffin.

No, no, I will tell
you, Mr. Sanford,

I want to be a good
neighbor, and you were right,

good neighbors
respect property lines.

[SPEAKING SPANISH]

FRED: Don't talk with a
bunch of stuff in your mouth.

Eat another muffin.

No, Mr. Sanford, look.

I say that we drop the
whole thing, you know,

and just try to be
good neighbors.

Right. Let bygones be bygones.

Yeah. We will
forgive and forget.

We will live and let live.

We will show and tell.

We will have another muffin.

No.

Now, this is what
happened, Julio.

He called a survey over there,

and now we know where
the true property line is.

Hey, you had a survey, huh?

Yeah, come on,
I'll show you. Great.

No, sit down, now.
Sit down, Julio.

Now, look. I thought we
had this all settled now.

Now, why should we
quibble over an inch or two

one way or another?

Now that we know
definitely where the line is,

there will be no
more quibbling, right?

Hey, and besides, I don't want

to have any of my
things on your property.

You don't have to
worry about that.

Yeah, listen, from now on,

we will both keep our own
things on our own property,

and the stakes will
show us where the line is.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Let's go.

The stakes.

I have to get those stakes
before they get to them.

If they beat me to the stakes,

then they'll know
whose property it is.

You're not going to believe

how much property
you've got, man.

Yeah? You mean the survey
showed my property line

came to where I thought it did?

Hey, not only that,

the survey showed that your
land came all the way over to here.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Hey, man, are you
kidd... I don't believe it.

You mean all this is mine,

and that little bit over
there, that's yours?

That's right.

I don't believe it.

You know, something
bothers me, though, man.

Your father, I mean,

knowing your father
the way I think I did,

how come he didn't
come out and move these...

Help!

Help! Get me out
of here! I'm stuck!

Get me out of here.

That's why.

Get me out of here.

Let's get him out.

Don't worry about
a thing, Mr. Sanford.

We're going to
have you out in a jiffy.

I'm sorry, we're
shaking the truck.

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

Here, Lamont, you
get him from the bottom.

I'll pull from the top, man.
Let's get him out of there.

Help me get out of here!

Ow, wait a minute.

Hey ho.

You know, since we stopped,

I think now would be a good
time to get a few things straight.

What? What, what?

Well, like apologizing to Julio
for always putting him down

and talking bad
about Puerto Ricans.

Oh, man, he don't
have to do that.

He does if wants
to get out of there.

Well, what do you say, Pop?

Do you promise

to stop putting Julio down and
bad-mouthing Puerto Ricans?

I promise.

Hey, wait a minute, Lamont.

Maybe just one
more little thing, huh?

Hey, Pop, Julio's got
just one more little thing.

What's that?

Well, Mr. Sanford,

will you do me a
favor and say, "tío"?

Huh?

I said, say, "tío."

What's that?

Well, in Spanish,
tío means "uncle."

Say, "tío."

Hey, you heard what
the man said. Say, "tío."

Say, "tío."

You're not going to say it?

Well, come on, Julio.
See you tomorrow, Pop.

Okay. So long, Mr. Sanford.
We'll see you later, huh?

Hey, wait, wait, wait a minute.

Don't leave me.

What was that you
wanted me to say?

Tío.

IN QUIET VOICE: Tío.

I didn't hear him.
Did you, Julio?

No, man. I didn't
hear you, Mr. Sanford.

Hey, Pop, me and
Julio didn't hear you.

Tío.

Tío.

Tío!

That's nice, man.

I said "tío," not Chico,
you big goat burger.

I'll have my newspaper
now, if you don't mind.

Well, I do mind.

Getting your newspaper

wasn't one of the
promises I had to make.

No, but watching

what I wanted to
watch on television was,

and if you don't
get my newspaper,

I might not feel like
watching Roller Derby tonight.

Roller Derby?

I'll get your newspaper for you.

Where's my newspaper?

I'll get it for you

as soon as I take
care of something else.

What's the problem?

All those promises.

I only asked you
to be nice to Julio.

Yeah, and you made me
promise to be nice to Chico, too.

Well, what's so hard about that?

He's in our yard,

and if I didn't promise
you that I'd be nice to him,

I'd chase him out of here.

Why? What's he doing?

Why? You don't know?

Well, if you go out in the yard,

I hope you don't
have no shoes on.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.