Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 12 - Grady, the Star Boarder - full transcript

Fred seizes a financial opportunity when Grady gripes about his neighbors' fighting: invite Grady to come live in serenity for $60 a month with him and Lamont.


♪ Baby, here I
stand Before you ♪

♪ With my heart in my hand ♪

♪ I want you to read it Mama ♪

♪ Hoping That
you'll understand ♪

♪ And that's the truth, baby ♪

♪ Whoa ♪

♪ Well, you know
I wouldn't lie... ♪♪

Hey, Pop, what you doing?

Oh, I'm fixing a few
snacks for later on.

See, I take a piece of baloney

and wrap it around
some cheese and onion

and garlic and call
it "the Look-away."

Well, why you call it that?

Because after
you eat one of them

and go to talk to
somebody, they look away...

See, I got the recipe

out of the food section
of the Sunday paper.

See, here it is, right here.

It says, uh,

"Tempt your guests
with this delicious,

appetizing horse diver."

Wait a minute.

Let me see that.

That's not "horse
diver." That's French.

That's "hoors de ovary."


Oh, well.

You must be expecting
some female company tonight.

No, just Grady's coming by

to watch the fights.

Say, listen, son,

you got any extra cash on you?

For what?

Well, I need some money

because Donna's
birthday is coming up,

and I want to take
her somewhere nice,

somewhere romantic.

Oh, yeah? Like where?



Yeah, see, she
ain't ever been there,

and it's almost un-American
not to go to Disneyland.

I'd like to know
what's so romantic

about Disneyland.

The Disneyland Motel.

You're a dirty old
man, you know that?

And I'm going to be one
till I'm a dead old man.

I'm sorry, Pop, but
I'm flat broke, man.

You going to have to
think of something else.

I already did,

but I don't think it'll work.

Oh, yeah, what is it?

Me taking Donna
to an all-night movie

and taking a blanket with us.


Hey, get that, will you, son?

I'll bring this stuff in.

All right.



All right!

Oh, hi, Grady.

Hi, uh, uh... Lawrence...

Yeah, hi, Lawrence.

Hello, Grady.

Hi, Fred.

Come on and sit down. Yeah.

The fight's about to start.

You want a cold beer?

Hey. that would be nice.

Would you mind

getting us a couple
of beers, son?

Hey, Grady, why don't you try

some of these horse divers.

Hey, Lamont, hurry up!

The fight's going to start.

Who's fighting,
Fred? Do you know?

Yeah, Indian Joe Roach

and a Mexican
fellow named, uh...

Mexican fellow
named Jesus Alvarez.

Hey, Pop, that's
pronounced "Hayzoos."

Well, he spells it the same
way Jesus spells his name.

I know, but you
don't say it that way.

If they know he was
going to be a fighter,

why'd they name him Jesus?

How did his parents
know when he was born

that he was going
to be a fighter?

Yeah, Fred, maybe they thought

he was going to be a carpenter.

Ooh, look at that left hook.

I bet you won't no hair
grow on that spot again.

Get up, Roach!

Get up before he step on you.


Wow, that wasn't
much of a fight, was it?

I get to see better
fights than that

at home where I board.

You ought to see
the Fergusons go at it.

They fight a lot, huh?

All the time.

She picked up a glass one time

and threw it at him

and broke all his teeth.

Grady, how could she break

all of his teeth?

His teeth were in the glass.

Good, Grady.

Yeah, but as soon as my
social security comes in,

I'm going to find me a place
with lots of peace and quiet.

I'm a quiet person.
Now, you know that, Fred.

You know I know it.

All I like to do is sit
in my room at night

and do quiet things,
like trim my beard,

wash out my eyes,
and cut my corns.

Listen, how much you
say you pay every month?


$60 every month?


I'm going to get us
a couple more beers.

All right.

Hey, Lamont. Come here, son.


I can't find the can opener.

You don't need no
can opener, Pop.

All you got to do is
pull the tab on the top.

Would you come here?

Excuse me a minute, Grady. Yeah.

Why can't you...

I told you we don't need no
can opener with this beer...

Just listen, just listen.

I figured out a way

how we can make some extra cash.

Oh yeah?

Yeah, see, now, Grady don't like

the place he's
staying at, right?


So, he got 60 bucks a month

to pay for a nice
place to stay, right?

I know what you're
thinking, Pop,

and forget it.

Forget it? Look,
that's 60 bucks steady.

Hey, man, I don't want nobody

staying here steady.

We're not so hard up

that we got to take in
boarders for a crummy $60.

Ain't no crummy $60.

That's $60 steady.

Did you make 60 bucks today?


Did you make 60 bucks yesterday?


Case closed.

Okay, so business has been

a little on the slack side.

So we take Grady's pension

and tighten up that slack.

Pop, we're only talking
about $60 a month, man.

That only comes
out to about $2 a day.

Did you make $2 today?


Did you make $2 yesterday?

How many times do I have
to keep closing this case?

Okay, Pop, what about your work?

What about it?

If Grady moved in here,

you'd never get
nothing done, man.

The two of you all
would just sit around here

playing cards and
watching television.

No, we wouldn't.

See, Grady could help
me with my coordinating,

and then, with my arthritis,

I need some help around here.

I thought it was
in your left hand.

See, it's spreading.

Listen, son, it's
just for a month.

What do you say we try it, okay?

Pop, it's not going
to work, man.

I just know it's
not going to work.

Sure it'll work.

Sure. I know it'll work.

Listen, and when his
social security comes,

we'll raise the rent.

Let's go tell him.

All right, but I don't think
it's going to work, Pop.

It's going to work.

Get a couple of beers
there and bring them out.


Uh, Grady, Grady... Oh, yeah...

It's so quiet in here,
I almost dozed off.


Yeah, where you been?

You missed the whole last bout.

Well, we were in
there talking, Grady.

Now, I've got to
ask you something.

Now, you like... You
like both of us, don't you?

Like you?

Why, you're like family to me.

Fred, you're like
a brother to me,

and, uh, uh... Lance.

Yeah... Lance
here is like a son.

Well, here's what
I want to ask you.

See, instead of living
there with the Fergusons

where they be
fighting all the time

and keeping you upset,

why don't you move in
here with me and uh...


Yeah, me and Lance.

Move in here with you?

You mean, be a boarder with you?

That's right.

Why, that'd be like living
with my own family, wouldn't it?

Your own family.


Excuse me.


Don't do that, Grady, not
all over the horse dovers.

I'm sorry, Fred.

It's just that it's been so long
since I've lived with family.

Yeah, see now, though,

instead of giving $60
to some strangers,

you're giving that 60
bucks to your own family.

My own family...
That's right, $60.

Hey, Grady, now, is that a deal?

Wait a minute, Pop.

Maybe Grady would like
to think about it for a while.

No. There's nothing
to think about.

I'm touched.

See that? You heard
him blow his nose.

He's touched.

All I can think about

is how soon can I move in?

Anytime you get ready.

Can I move in tonight

and bring my things
over tomorrow?

Yeah, Grady, you
can go on upstairs now

and go to sleep.

Listen, you take my room.

Your room?

You're giving me your room?

My room.


Grady, will you stop that?

You're going to blow
something out your head

that you need.

Come on, Grady.

You go on up there

and make yourself feel at home.

Thanks. I just don't
know what to say.

Thank you, Fred.

Well, good night, Grady.

Good night, Fred.

And good night, uh... Lucas!


Yeah. Good night, Lucas.

My own family... Fred and Lucas.

Now, listen... Hold it, Lucas.


I knew there was
another one coming.

See, son, you made
an old man happy,

and we get 60 bucks besides.

Okay, smart guy, now,
just tell me one thing.

Where are you
going to sleep tonight?

I'll sleep in your bed.

Oh, no, you're ain't
sleeping with me.

You dribble on the pillow...

and you make them old man
smacking sounds with your mouth.

You ain't sleeping with me.

I wasn't thinking about it.

I wasn't thinking
about sleeping with you.

I was going to sleep
up there by myself,

and you sleep down
here on the couch.

I'm not sleeping on the couch.

You gave up your bed.

Now, I work hard all
day, and I need a bed.

I'm not going to
sleep on no couch.

Well, I can't sleep on the couch

with my arthritis.

Well, you don't have no trouble
sleeping on it during the day

when you're supposed
to be doing some work.

Well, I can't
sleep on it at night

when I'm supposed
to be sleeping.

I'm not sleeping on no couch.

Well, neither one of us
might have to sleep on it...

Every time you always
come up with something,

I always get the
short end of it.

I got to come down here...

You want me to
sleep on the couch.

Listen, don't worry about it.

Be prepared, that's me.

Don't tell me

you're going to sleep
on that old army cot?

No. You are.

I can't sleep on that.

I slept on it when I was
in the Army all the time.

All right, then
you're used to it,

so you sleep on it.

I did my time on it.
Now it's your turn.

Forget it.

Well, look, here,
we'll take turns.

Now, what could
be fairer than that?

You sleep on it tonight.

I'm not sleeping on that. I...


On second thought, maybe I
will sleep down here tonight.

I don't think I
want to go up there

with him snoring like that.

It is kind of loud, ain't it?

Why don't you go up
there and close the door?

All right.

Let's see how I did
this at Fort Dix, 1941.

Hey, Pop?


Hey, Pop... Huh?

The door is closed.

Oh, no.

Hey, Pop, is Grady
ever going to come out

of the bathroom?

He's been up there for hours.

Well, he took the
newspaper with him.

Maybe he's a slow reader.

Yeah, but what am
I supposed to do?

Be glad it wasn't
the Sunday paper.

This is ridiculous,
you know that?

Well, see, it's a
habit he picked up

when he was living
at the Fergusons

where the bathroom
was the quietest spot

in the house.

Yeah, well, what's
he doing it here for?

Ain't nobody
fighting in this house.

Well, it's a habit,

and I just have
to help him kick it,

and I know just how to do it.


We hide the toilet
seat from him,

and only give it to him
when he really needs it.

That's not going to do no good.

Once he gets it,

he'll still be sitting
there for hours.

Not if we hide
it in the freezer.

I'm sorry I ever let you
talk me into this, man.

First, he keeps me
up snoring all night,

and now I can't even
use my own bathroom.

Where you going?

To the filling station.

The filling station?
That's right.

You don't have to
go to no filling station.

You see, Grady just
don't know the rules,

that it's three people
who got to use the toilet.

Yeah, well, I wish
you'd explain it to him.

In the meantime,

I have to use
the filling station.

This is a drag.

Hey, Grady! Grady!


Hey, Lamont! Grady's done!

What a world, what a world...

What you talking about, Grady?

You know, you read the bad news

in the morning newspaper,

and it makes you feel

like you don't ever want
to come out of the toilet.

Yeah, it was beginning
to look like that.


Nothing, Grady,

just Lamont was
waiting to get in.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

Why didn't he call me?

He probably is
calling you something

all the way to
the filling station.

I'm sorry.

I don't want to
cause no trouble.

Well, forget about it, Grady.

Come on in here with me.

Come on in, Grady.

I'll fix you something to eat.

Oh, no thanks,
Fred. I'm not hungry.

Well, sit on down.

You will be hungry
when you find out

what I'm going to fix for us.

I've been saving three eggs

for Lamont's Sunday breakfast,

and because it's
your first day here,

I'm going to fix us an omelet.

Nice big fluffy omelet.

I know how to do that too.

See, I take these three...

Where are these three
eggs I had in here?

Oh, you mean those three
eggs that were in there?

Yeah, those three
eggs that was in here.

Oh, I'm sorry, Fred,
but I ate those earlier.

That's why I ain't hungry.

You ate all three of them?

That's all I could find.

Well, never mind, Grady.

We'll just have us some coffee

and watch television.

Oh, now, that'd be nice.

That's a good idea,
watching television.

Yeah, I love it.

Yeah, little old television.

I'm finished with my
morning newspaper,

and now, I'm
ready for television.


Turn on the news, Fred.

I don't want to
listen to no news.

Why do you want to listen
to news early in the morning?

I thought you'd want to
watch something educational.

Okay, you've got
a choice of three,

Captain Kangaroo, Deputy
Dog, or Huckleberry Hound.

Oh, I don't like
none of those, Fred.

Well, if you don't want to
watch what I want to watch,

why don't you go on
back up in the toilet?

I don't... I don't want
to go back up in there.

They don't have no
television shows up there.

Well, start your own.

Leave the door open and
call it "Face The Nation."


Watching Bozo the Clown, yeah...

Good morning, Fred.


My goodness, what
a pleasant surprise.

Hey, Grady, you
remember Donna Harris,

my fiancée.

Yes, I do. Grady.

Grady moved in with us,

and he's sleeping
in my room now.

Hey, Donna, what
brings you by here

so early in the morning?

Well, I was out on a
call in the neighborhood

and thought while I'm here,

I'll stop by and
give you a neck rub.

Oh, that's so thoughtful of you.

Come on over here.

Hey, Grady, see,
Donna's a practical nurse,

and she cracks my neck.

Oh, really?

Yeah, and she does toes too.

Sometimes, she cracks
my neck and toes so good,

sounds like the
Fourth of July in here.

Are you ready, Fred?

Your Steady Freddie is ready.

Is it a tightness in
both sides of the neck

going down to the shoulder?

Yes, that's right,
that's tension.

Is that what you feel now?

Yeah, I'm tense and
stiff and everything.

Would you do me?

Well, let's see.
Excuse me, Fred.

Oh my, yes, you are tight,

much more so than Fred.

Oh, now, how does that feel?

Oh, that feels just great.

Say, if I run upstairs
and wash my feet,

will you do my toes?

She ain't doing no toes, Grady!


Oh, I'm sorry, Fred.

I don't want to
cause no trouble.

I just thought I'd ask.

Hey, Pop, I'm home.


What's the matter with you?

You look like you're
mad about something.

I am. I'm mad at myself.

For what?

For talking you into
letting Grady stay here.

I've decided something.

Grady's got to go.

But he just moved in here,

and he's probably on
his way over here now

with his things.

What are you going to tell him?

I don't know,

but he's such a dear
friend of mine, I...

I don't want to
hurt his feelings.


We got to figure out
something right away, though.

Here comes Grady
now with a suitcase

and a big smile on his face.

Yeah, he's probably thinking
about all that peace and quiet

he's going to have
with his new family.


Or that peace and quiet

he thought he was going
to have with his new family.

Are you with me, son?

I'm way ahead of you, Pop!


Come on in, Grady!


How do you feel, pal?

Hey, you got all your
stuff in there, Grady?

Yeah, most of it,

but I had to get out
of there in a hurry.

The Fergusons were
right in the middle

of a big fight,

and I just couldn't
stand the racket.

That really gets
to you, don't it?

Ties my stomach in knots.

Makes me feel
like I want to barf.

Now, look, Grady,

why don't you go
on upstairs and relax

and make yourself to home, like,

and dinner'll be ready

in about hour and
a half, two hours.


Dinner'll be ready in
about an hour or two.

Sorry it's a little late, Grady.

How come dinner ain't ready now?

Because I forgot to fix it.

What do you mean
you forgot? You forgot...

You mean to tell me
you're getting so old,

you can't remember
to cook dinner?

Who are you calling old?

I ain't so old I can't give you
one of these across your lips.

If I was you, I wouldn't try.

Whoo! I'll try it.
I'll knock you out.

How are you going
to knock me out

when you can't even
remember to cook dinner?

Well, all right.
Put your hands up.

I don't have to put nothing up.

Put 'em up.

I don't got to put nothing up.

I'll dance around you.

Look out.

Come on. Come over here.

Grady... You'd better
go on upstairs, Grady.

You don't want to get into this.

It's a family argument.

Look, Grady, this
is a family argument.

Come on!

I'm coming.

Move, Grady.

Let me see what you
got on the other side.

Hold it. Hold the phone.

Now, I didn't know you
two had family arguments.

Now, don't...

Now, this ain't going to take
too long. Where's my bat?

We'll be through fighting
in about four or five hours.

Four or five hours?

And if we don't finish it then,

we'll finish it tomorrow.

Come on. That's right.

Fred. No. Now, come on, Fred.

Now, you know I don't never
back out of no agreements, Fred,

but I just can't
stand no fighting!

Just get out the way, Grady.

We don't want you getting hurt.

Come on into me.

You come on over
here. Come on into me.

Cross that line. I don't
need to cross no line.

Cross it again. Cross
it again and boom!

I'll tear you up.

Come on over here!


Put that light down!

No, please don't hit me!

Don't hit me in my ears!

Oh, my goodness! Stop it!

Well, son, we really
did it, didn't we?

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

That was pretty good, Pop.

Pretty good acting.

I'm tired.

We make a good team, Pop.

We were a good team. Yeah.

You were Butch Cassidy,
and I was the Sundance Kid.

All right. Let's go
have dinner, Pop.


Go have dinner?

Yeah, let's go have dinner.

We can't. What do
you mean we can't?

I ain't cooked nothing.
I really forgot to cook.

You forgot to cook?


How could you forget to cook?

Because I'm a human being.

I forgot to cook.

I don't understand that.

There's a lot of
things you could forget,

but how could you
forget to cook dinner?

Like I told you earlier,

I forgot because I'm human.

All the excitement going on
with Grady and everything,

I just forgot to fix it.

That's not the reason.

Well, what's the reason?

You just getting so old

that you can't
remember to cook dinner.

Who are you calling old?

There ain't but two
of us in the kitchen.

I ain't so old I can't give you
one of these across your lips.

Hey, man, if I was
you, I wouldn't try it.

I'll try it anytime I get ready.

I raised you. I'll
knock you out.

Come on, then!

All right!


Well, I'm going to work,
Pop. I'll see you at lunchtime.

Okay, son.

Hey, you know what?

It sure is a pleasure

to be able to use
your own bathroom.

Yeah, that's right.

See, a man's home is his castle,

and he shouldn't have
to share his throne.

Right. Right.


I wonder who that is.
I hope it ain't Grady.

Me too.

Good morning, Lamont.

Oh, hi, Donna. Fred...

Donna, you're here again? Yes.

Oh, what a surprise.

Well, I think you got
short-changed yesterday

on your neck rub,

so I'm here today
to finish the job.

Oh, that's wonderful.

Lamont, Donna's
going to do my neck.

She's going to crack it for me.


Where's your
friend this morning?

Oh, well, him staying here

didn't work out, so he moved.


Bye, son.

Ready to do my neck?


Ah, yes.

Do you actually crack his neck?


I just work out the stiffness

and the tension.

Yeah, she just
works out the stiffness

and the tension.

Bye, son.

Is it a... Is it a tightness
on both sides of the neck

leading down to the shoulders?

Well, yes, that's it.
Is that what you feel?


Look, son, why don't
you get on moving now.

But I just want...

She's not going to do
your neck or your toes.

Go on to work. I was just...

And try to get back
here with about 50 bucks.

Tightness around the neck
and tightness over here.

Not going to hear that
stuff, get me 50 bucks...

Fred? Fred, do you
need some money?

If you do, I can loan you some.

Well, I'll sure pay you back

as soon as we get back
from where we're going.

Where are we going?

You'll find out when
we get to Disneyland.


and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.